So, ladies, it's so good to see all of y'all tonight, and I want to hit us on our right
time tonight.
Hey, Kathy, Ashley, and all, we're coming in, Stephanie, Sarah, Kim, hey, Kim, I saw
your update on when I got off work today.
Oh, thank you, Kim.
Hello, hello, hello.
Hey, hey there, Felicia.
So, I don't think we have anyone.
I love those green earrings, oh, my God.
Thank you.
Oh!
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, Stephanie, yes, Asena, yes, Sania, is this your first time with us?
Yes, it is.
Well, welcome to phase two, we are so happy to have you, I am Ebony, I'm your last year
single coach.
I'm so happy to do.
Nice to meet you.
I am a third grade teacher here in Austin, Texas, and we're so happy to do this phase
of the journey with you.
It's one of my most favorite phases because it causes so much growth to happen, and it
requires a lot of surrender for most ladies, so, yay.
Are you familiar with how to go in and look at the courses?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Good.
And it's just like hard work, I shouldn't have put a piece of candy in my mouth, I'm
sorry.
It's just like hard work, we want you to watch one every week and grab your a-ha moments,
post anything you want to on the community while we'll respond to you.
This coaching session is not just about dating, it's about you, and so, just show up you.
And yeah, that's it, do you have any questions for me?
No, thank you, thank you for the introduction.
You're welcome.
All right.
Okay, ladies, I'm on the phone tonight, so when y'all start putting your hands up, I
may not catch it the same way, but I hope so.
Hey, um, oh, Soficio, hey, Soficio.
Hey, how are you?
Good to hear your voice tonight.
Okay, y'all are rolling in, um, Michelle, and from NYC, is that Malkia?
Good evening.
Malkia.
Is this your first time with us?
Um, I'm usually not live, but I do listen to the replays.
Oh, okay.
All right, well, good.
Okay, good.
Well, glad to have you.
I'm sure, so that means you hear Carla's voice a lot more.
Usually the replay is usually, um, Carla's session.
Anyway, all right, great.
Let's go.
I think it's this ring light that has me glowing, but I'll take it, honey.
I want to take it with me everywhere I go.
All right, so ladies, we don't have much for housekeeping.
Um, just keep showing up, keep sharing, and keep encouraging each other, and it always
helps when you see someone else post.
If you have a like experience, um, thank you, Stephanie.
If you have a like experience, feel free to encourage and support your sisters.
We are not far apart from each other.
Most of us struggle.
Since we've been in this tribe, we understand that most of us struggle with some of the
same things, if not all of the same things.
And most of all of us, probably except for maybe 5%, are nervous about the dating process.
Nobody on here is not nervous whether they've been on 10 dates.
The very first date, the very first profile, the very first everything was a struggle.
It didn't come easy.
Um, and so I just want to say that.
So what do you ladies have on your mind tonight?
Do you post when you have a date?
We like to know when you have a date.
We like to know what you're wearing.
Oh, you got a dinner date tonight.
Oop, whoop, whoop.
We like that.
But no, you don't have to post.
We just like to know all about it.
It's fun.
Lauren, did you have your hand up?
Yeah, I just want to do a follow up to last week.
Go for it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Um, so last week I shared that I matched with someone on Facebook dating, and we were talking.
And I think I mentioned it was like talking and then texting and felt like he kind of
had like an anxious attachment and you encouraged me to take control and slow it down, which
I did.
So thank you.
Yeah.
And it helped.
I think it helped me also, because this is like a new you know, it's been a while.
And then the whole online dating thing.
So I've been able to kind of put more space.
So if he like text me, and I like just take it off the pressure of feeling I need to respond.
I'll like respond when I feel like good about responding.
And I have also initiate some texts.
So we did have our first date on Sunday.
It went well.
I was a little nervous because of the texting and talking on the phone.
I felt like it kind of had a connection.
So I was a little worried like meet in person and there's just like chemistry and then it's
like too much little overwhelming.
So we met in person and there wasn't that for me, which in all honesty, I was relieved
because that tends to cloud judgment.
And I just wanted to be able to have clarity and be able to like be curious and hear him,
especially with questions being asked.
So once got over the whole nervousness of meeting in person, like I just felt calm.
I had this clarity.
I could ask the questions.
I really wanted to find out about him.
And he was very sensitive to me of like wanting to kind of walk around and not just meet and
sit down and have like a meal.
So we we met like at a mall and walked around, got something to drink, sat down for a little
bit, ask some questions.
I try to keep it light, but I also ask some serious questions.
And yeah, and then we did have a meal together and yeah, it wasn't awkward.
I'm just taking it slow and I actually am like learning about him and liking him.
So it's very different for me because I'm usually the pursuer and he's very intentional
and he's making a lot of the contact, which feels good to me.
He's very open and upfront what he wants.
Again, I'm not used to.
So very different for me.
A lot of like leaning back and kind of receiving and not taking the control.
And yeah, so we have another date.
He asked me out again today.
So Saturday is our second date.
That's so exciting.
I'm happy for you and I like that you decided to set a pace that works for you.
I think oftentimes we can put.
Oh, hold on.
I never had no phone call come through because I ain't never been on my phone.
I disappeared from y'all.
Oh, I'm back.
Do y'all see me?
Great.
A lot of times we think that we are operating in a way that, oh, well, he's doing this and he's doing that.
And he's doing this and he's just going too fast.
And he's just this this as if we don't have a vote in the matter.
And a lot of times that happens when we also put other responsibilities on the man.
He should call me. He should do this.
He should do that. He should do that.
Also produces that other mindset.
Well, he just he talked about it, so I talked about it.
He did this, so I did it.
He's just going too fast.
I just don't know, you know.
And so what happens is when we start giving out roles, we exclude ourselves from the more powerful things that we can be doing.
Like what you did and said like this is overwhelming.
Hey, I want to get to know you, but there are some terms that I have.
And these are my terms.
And then all of a sudden you can breathe.
And it's not as bad as you thought it was.
It was just so bad.
because you feel like someone else was controlling the pace of your process. And that's never fun.
Yeah, it really helped me like your encouragement really helped me to like,
yeah, set boundaries. And he's in CFP respects them. And he has like, he'll, he'll still text
like, he's been consistent. So like, what I appreciate, like he hasn't, like, oh, she hasn't
responded, you know, like, he's not playing games, like, I don't respond. And I had told him up
front, you know, I will respond when I can. And I have and like you're saying, not playing games.
Because I also want to acknowledge like his effort. And I want I don't want to discourage him
because especially a man nowadays, like, being really intentional upfront, no games. I'm not
like, does he like me? Or is he interested? Like, he's very interested. He asked me questions.
And I also just wanted to share with you that exercise about like, the picture of the heart,
like really helped me I had that image in my mind of like, being guarded and what to share and what
not to share. Like he is a stranger, I'm still getting to know him. So I just want to thank you
for that exercise, because it was a picture in my head. Yeah, really?
Yeah, that is so awesome. Let you remember when we did the activity, when we put this circle around
us and determine who goes where. And she's just saying that that was very helpful. I'm so happy
to know that, you know, the first time I learned that some years ago, I forgot what I was doing.
But it stuck with me also. Like, that's how I see people in life. Like there's a spot for
everybody. And so yeah, I'm so happy that that's helpful to you. Yeah, yay. Thank you for sharing.
And just as Mandy prepares to share, you guys, I want you to take note that she said he is
definitely pursuing me. When a man wants you, you won't know about it. It ain't no well, maybe he
well, maybe he no. There's no confusion. And you don't know it until you experience one like that.
And when you experience a man who wants you not a man who just want to have sex with you, right?
I'm not talking about that type. I'm talking about a man who knows his value, knows his worth,
and he is pursuing you. Like, you know, the difference. And when you experience you like
they were right. They were right. It took me that experience to know like, they're right.
And just briefly share a win for me. Yeah, that frightens me because that vulnerability,
like it scares me and sometimes I'll run because I'm usually like pursuing and I feel like I have
some control. But like leaning back and receiving like it's really kind of helped me also see where
the hard work I've done. And you know, when I do feel like, like that, like, wanna shut down,
I challenge myself. And like, well, where is this coming from? So the, you know, doing the
hard work has really, like, you know, the dating and discovery really does show you like how much
work you've done. Yeah, good, like, you could like be proud and also, okay, I need to work
more here on this. But overall, it's really just helped me to learn more about myself.
And what I really do want at the end of the day, and what's important to me.
Yeah, that's awesome. That's awesome. Thanks, Lorraine. Yay. Okay, Mandy getting on here
looking fine. Honey, if I knew you were bringing it like that. Oh my gosh.
You're cracking me up. Thank you. So okay, so I've had a really interesting week.
And I went on like a spontaneous ice cream date. And well, I know you're clapping. But uh,
yeah, it was interesting. So it was okay. This man was not my type at all. But I know in the
program, we're like, give him a chance, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so I've realized when I know
somebody's not my type, I just can't do it. Because when he showed up, I was embarrassed.
I know that sounds so bad. But I don't know if anyone's ever experienced that.
But he just looked so much older than me. And he was not cute. I was like, praying to God,
Lord, please let no one see me that I know. I know that sounds really mean and shallow.
But I literally was like, this man looks worse than the pictures. And he was really like,
he was all in like, I can't believe you matched with me. And
this is just a dream come true and got me flowers and all the things and
I had to, you know, I had to break it to him nicely, because it was like a lot, it was a
little overwhelming with the texting after that and sending me scriptures and being encouraging
and all these things. And yeah, anyway, so I just let him know, like, I just see you as a brother
in Christ, but I told him about the program. No, you did hit him with the brother in Christ.
I did, I had to, I was like getting nauseous. And I'm like, I know, I know, because I just,
I feel like I'm, the enemy wants me to believe this lie that if I date a man of God, he's going
to have to be ugly. And I just, I don't know why that it's like, all the guys that I'm interested
in are not interested in me. And then the ones that are not attractive at all, or, I mean,
maybe they're okay. And I'm like, I just need to get to know them. And then maybe they'll become
cute anyway, but I do feel, I know that sounds bad. Okay. But I've dated both. I've dated some,
you know, that are like super fine and disgusting on the inside. And then I've dated some that are
just like, you know, anyway, so that was interesting. And then I've just been praying
for God to shut all counterfeit doors. I've had a lot of conversations, a lot of FaceTimes,
and I just feel like I got, I don't know, like it's just not going anywhere. And so recently
there's this guy who I've been talking to. I actually told him I wasn't interested on Facebook
dating. And then he matched with me again on the art app. And he said, please give me a chance.
And I was like, okay, I will. And it's been like the best conversation that I've had with
a guy. And I FaceTimed him for 30 minutes. He seems very driven. I don't even know, but I like
have so much excitement and peace. He's not like, oh my gosh, like super hot, but he's cute, you
know? And he loves the Lord. He believes in the Holy spirit and all the things that I believe.
And so anyway, I'm kind of trying to like, he's busy. He's getting his master's degree right now.
So I'm trying to like give him space. And I feel like I'm the one that's wanting to like push more
of like FaceTime and stuff, but I'm like, keep giving the ball to like in his court. He lives
in Nashville. So it's like two and a half hours away. But anyway, but he's, I don't know. It's
been pretty fun. So pray for me on that. And then that's all, that's all I have.
Oh man, these are such good updates. I like the guy who's not so pleasant to your eyes.
I like that you didn't. You could have ghosted him. You could have been too ashamed to tell him
like, hey, you're just not my type physically. And could have ghosted him. But you hung in there.
He should have at least looked like his picture. And his picture was already a little ratchet. And
he looks worse. It's like, that's catfish.
Like, that's, that's like the one time I had talked to this guy on his dating app. And then
when we FaceTime, and I was like, your pictures look like you're 27. Like you look 47. I said,
this is not right. This is wrong. I'm like, I ain't going nowhere with you. Somebody see me
Oh my gosh. And out of all people, he saw his pastor and I know his pastor. And I was like,
you got to be kidding me. I was like, God didn't have my back, but that's okay. You know, I forgive
him. Yeah. I do want to make another comment though, about this. The guy, when are y'all
going to meet for a date? We've been talking for like, uh, two weeks, but we matched in the very
first week I started this whole journey. And then, so I found out, okay, he said he was spiritual.
And that threw me off. Cause I was like, uh, no, I'm not doing spiritual. So he was like,
I shouldn't have worded it like that. I'm a Christian. I believe in Jesus as my Lord and
savior. I'm filled with the Holy spirit. And then after he said that, he was like,
please give me a chance. And that's when I was like, okay, but you can't be saying you're
spiritual because to me, you know, that's a little red flag. They don't know no better.
Well, because, cause I even thought about it, they pick it because they're trying to say,
I don't, I'm not religious. I have an intimate relationship with my father.
Right. Well, I spiritual, um, but spiritual actually means, you know,
tarot cards or maybe right. Right. Gay or like, right. Gay is a thing,
but it comes into the whole, whatever. But Mandy, when are y'all going to go on a date?
I don't know. I gay, I put that in his court. I told him that I am down to me
and I would like it to be sooner than later. And I don't know, but.
He's very intentional with his texting, like every text message.
He really like, it's very thought out.
It's very like well-worded, like, I don't know, like the things he's saying
are super sweet and I'm like, are you left bombing me?
Like, it's not like too much.
Like the other guy, the other guy was like, you're a child of God.
You're a beautiful princess and all this crazy stuff.
I was like, I can't, I literally cannot.
But this guy, I'm like, okay, I believe you because I don't have a reason not to
trust you, but Lord, just give me discernment.
Yeah.
Well, I want you to go on a date with him.
Basically.
Well, me too, girl.
If it stays in his court, if it stays in his court too long, he has to have a text
that said, Hey, we've been talking for a while and I'm more comfortable talking
with the person that I meet in person.
Because if you're looking at three weeks, four weeks, that's a no-go because you
don't know a person until you sit with them.
Exactly.
That's how I feel.
I'm just saying.
So if he extends his time, that could be that he don't have any money.
He's waiting to get more money or something like that.
But I'm thinking he's going to say something to you though, and he
probably is planning the perfect date.
I don't know, but tell us all about it.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Okay. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Stephanie.
Hi.
Hey girl.
So I've been listening on the replays and, and then I think I caught one
live, but this is my first time, um, being able to share.
Um, I am about a week into online dating again, after years ago,
trying it and it being awful.
And first, I don't know how many times I've said it like audibly like,
ick, uh, and I don't know if it's just like, it's the pictures, it's the
prompting, it's what they talk to me about right away.
And anyway, the point is that I got to a point where I realized that I am,
like, I'm kind of scared of men.
Like I don't trust their intentions.
Yeah.
And I'm praying about this and I'm trying to go back to, you know, the
revelations I had in my heart work.
But it's scary, especially because like I started with the Facebook dating,
cause you know, I already had the Facebook profile and it was easy
to get into and all the things.
And at first the, you know, the swiping is a little bit exciting
cause you're like, oh, okay, okay, okay.
And I try to go in with an open mind of like, uh, you know that, but you
know, I'm gonna try, you know, I'm gonna keep an open mind.
And then what happens is that when we do much and the guys that I'm not
attracted to start talking at me and they're like duds anyway, it's already
like, oh, I knew it, but also then there are the ones that, you know, or go too
soon and, and, you know, want to be extra flirty, um, or I've, I've
been having several conversations.
I have some possible video dates coming soon.
Uh, just because some of the guys, I mean, I'm in New York, but it takes
a million years to get anywhere here.
So even though, you know, from Queens to Brooklyn, it's just the one borough.
It could take an hour and a half.
So I'm like, you know what, let's, let's try a video because it seems
like a long drive for a little coffee.
Um, anyway, I don't, I'm scared and I don't like it.
I know definitely.
What are, what are the thoughts you're having?
What are you afraid of?
Okay.
So I keep going back to, like I said, I started with the Facebook dating.
I kept, I took, um, forget her name.
The one that does the dating one-on-one.
Um, yeah.
So, you know, I kept it super light.
I, I do believe that men don't even read the profiles
anyway, for the most part.
You know, I kept it lighthearted.
I'm getting a lot more likes than I did when I tried.
Um, online dating before I was also in a different city.
Um, but I was getting a lot more traction, but then what I didn't do is like, I'm
trying to gauge the, how soon is it to, you know, talk about faith?
How soon is it not?
I felt like in the past it was a, I know that it was rejection for God, you know,
from God, like protection, the rejection that was protection, but it hurt every
single time that I would like, you know, I'm a Christ follower.
Like Jesus is important to me, you know?
And I tried every which way in the past to bring up abstinence and the first
conversation, three dates in two weeks out, it didn't matter at all.
turned out to be the same thing, I know those weren't my man,
but it still was taxing.
It stings, for sure.
And so I'm just trying to gauge.
I'm like, how much effort do I want
to put into somebody who I'm just
going to end up disappointing if I don't fit into the box
that they imagined?
Or maybe I should have told them sooner
that I wasn't trying to date like everybody else dates.
So I'm having all these like just hesitation about when
I should bring certain things up.
Or yeah, just let it come up naturally
and get to know the person for who the person is.
But there's this fear in me that the longer
I let that go without telling the man,
he's going to be aggressive and angry when I tell him,
like I wasted his time.
I just realized that talking to you,
like working it out with you, that that's one of the things
that I'm afraid of.
Yeah.
And who have you experienced that with in your life?
What man have you experienced that with?
Like being in your life, foundational.
Like with your father, who have you experienced this with?
Yeah, he was.
My father, my relationship with my father is very complicated.
Yeah.
And he's not a safe person.
OK.
And I'm in the middle of something with him
right now that I've had to put up boundaries.
And it's really stressful.
But I can't let this man continue to affect me
this way in my life.
Like I'm over that.
And a lot of the way we see the world
is your heart sees the world, not your eyes sees the world.
And so the things that you're struggling with about men
and not trusting them and about, oh, when I just tell them this,
they're not like, that's a real thing.
You tell somebody, and they're going to walk away.
But that is under the assumption that you
wanted to keep them around.
So if I tell a person, like so it's a thing
because you may have liked them.
But when I tell a person like, hey,
I don't have sex before marriage,
and they don't want me anymore, it's like, oh, great.
And it's like, well, I know you say that,
but I don't feel that way.
But have you been married before?
No.
OK.
So what happens is we've never been married before.
We don't know how to count up the cost of a man who's
not disciplined.
And so you think you're getting hurt because another man
walked away from you.
But what you don't know is a man who
doesn't operate under discipline also
doesn't operate under discipline in marriage.
And if he can't operate and subject his body to not having
sex, he may not be able to subject himself
from not spending all your money.
He may not be able to subject himself or put himself
under when it comes to how he talks to you.
Because one behavior begets another behavior.
It can just kind of trigger all over.
And so with you being marriage-minded and somebody
says, no, I'm not willing to do that,
you find out that they don't even
believe that they're valuable.
They don't know their worth.
So you keep thinking it's about you and you lost something.
You didn't lose anything.
You met a person who doesn't value their body enough
to keep it until they marry.
And most people will think, oh, well, it's just sex.
Everybody have needs and desires.
We're talking about kingdom men.
Now, I know if you're dating a worldly man,
that's another thing.
But if you're dating a man of God
who says that Christ is his King and Lord,
he comes under a different set of standards.
And if he doesn't measure up to the standard of a man of God,
then you're not interested in having a marriage that's not
a kingdom marriage.
Because marriage comes to make us holy and not happy.
And if somebody is not subject to the Holy Spirit,
you're going to have a miserable marriage.
Because you need somebody to go to.
He needs the answer to somebody.
And so it does sting.
And a lot of people say sometimes, oh, you dodged a bullet.
I'm like, you think I want to hear that?
See, I literally missed everything.
I just wasted my time.
Yeah, I mean, I've been in my relationship with the Lord
now 14 years.
And that's how long it's been since my last relationship.
Because I refused to compromise in that area.
Now, I have, I've been on some dates
and kind of was talking to this guy for about six weeks
in the interim that was a believer.
But for the most part, like I was in Texas
and I just found that there was a lot of Christians
who just were Christians.
But when I talked about biblical concepts,
it was like, oh no, I don't do that.
And it's like, I'm sorry, what Bible are you reading then?
Like, what Jesus are you following?
Because, so I'm trying to navigate this new approach of,
of, well, you know, let those things come up naturally or like a lot of men don't put
it on their profile and a lot of, but then like that gives me so much uncertainty because
I don't have clarity about where they stand and if they're believers or not.
Right.
I understand the process that you're operating under when you think about this, but Stephanie,
just from what you shared to me, man is going to have to be restored in your heart and who
man is and how God designed the creature.
I can't find you.
I don't know why.
Are you still here?
Stephanie?
Oh, there you are.
There's a process that's going to have to happen for you and this has nothing to do
with, is somebody going to want to have sex?
I'm going to be honest with you.
There's going to have to be a level of vulnerability where you allow God to redeem man.
You're not going to all of a sudden meet some man who's so holy and so spiritual and you're
going to trust him.
I don't care how good he is.
You will rip that man apart with your hands.
You'll tear him apart with your suspicion.
Then you're the one who's unhealthy because you don't have a restored identity of how
God made man.
It's not your fault, but there are some foundational things there and you're going to grow through
them.
This don't mean go back to phase one and do more healing.
You've done your hard work, but God wants to take you on a journey so he can restore
man to you.
You've not been in a relationship in 14 years and so this is not accusing, but I don't know
how you're going to respond when you get with a man you really like.
I don't know how well you're going to be able to keep yourself from having sex.
I don't know the boundaries you're willing to put in place because it's one thing to
say it when we're on this side, but when we get on the other side and we start dating
and things start speeding up and we think that they're the one, a lot of things happen.
I am sharing this with you to help you with your perspective of man and sex.
Now, if a man says straight up, I'm not going to wait, that's one thing, but I'm just telling
you it's a whole package.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
It doesn't serve you well to believe that there's not, there are millions, billions
of people on the planet and to believe that there's not one righteous man.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I see it like this.
There's no way God is going to bypass me, whom he invested in and sharpen when he's
looking to put kingdom, put his kingdom man with a woman.
He ain't going to give me anyone like he's not going to give that man anyone, right?
But he's going to put the two best together that serve each other well.
This is not, is not your time or just wait.
This is, I'm saying to you that God is going to do that part.
I don't care how far away it may seem to you, but I believe that he wants to restore man
to you, man, masculinity, mature, marriage minded, even if the one you get is marriage
minded and mature, but he's not the one for you.
So what is my responsibility?
Is to go through this really challenging process and to not ask somebody about their faith
because I don't care what they say, who they are will show up.
You can act like on the third, you could tell somebody, Hey, my faith in Jesus is a really
big deal to me.
Do you have an active relationship with Jesus?
You can say that.
You can say it on your coffee date, but you need to go on a date.
It could be one thing that man can do that can restore a piece of your, your soul that's
been broken.
And it doesn't mean that he's the one I'm going to give you a quick example where some
years ago, I just broke down crying because I was learning that God is like father.
Well, I kept trying to relate to God as father, but see that's the issue.
What our earthly father does gives us a representation of what our heavenly father is like, because
our earthly father is the first one we're introduced to, to what a father is like.
That's why some people can believe, I can't ask God for too much.
That's why some people can believe that that connection is not there.
Cause what have you had with your earthly father before God, you get healed, you know,
different stuff.
You see God that way.
It's just a journey.
Right?
So anyway, I'm struggling with this God is father.
And one day I just broke down crying.
I was like, I can't do this.
I can't do it.
How am I supposed to know you as father?
And I've never known a father in my life.
My father has never been a father to me.
And he said, I heard him clear.
He said, finally, I've been waiting on you to say that.
Now, let me show you what a father is like.
He literally for months after that took unassuming men, one male held the door for me.
I said, my sister has him, my brother-in-law.
I went up to bed.
He got ready to leave.
He said, I'll take care of that.
He cut the light off.
He locked the doors.
The Lord says, a father is a protector.
In those quick moments, he started
restoring broken pieces of me through men around me.
He would use a man in church to say something to me,
not a prophetic word, not, oh, God is a father,
but small things that started healing my heart and giving me.
You have to have an image, an ideal of a father
to know God is father.
It's not just going to happen like that, right?
Does that make sense, what I'm saying to you?
And God is going to do the same thing with you.
And man, he wants to restore man so
that you can receive your husband
and you can honor that man.
And not spend the first five years of your marriage
tearing him down in areas you got to rebuild back up
later on because you finally catch on.
Not much damage you can do with the words of your mouth.
And when somebody say something, you don't trust them.
You make them feel like they wrong, like they bad,
like they guilty.
Like that's a real thing that we can do as a woman
when we've been broken and we're hurting and we don't trust.
So that's why I said to you, I said to you,
I believe that the Lord wants to restore those parts of you.
And so when you're dating,
I'm not telling you it's going to be all sunshine,
but you'll be amazed at what the little things can do.
And you'll be like, oh, okay.
Some people do do what they say they're going to do.
He's not my guy, but he definitely did what he said
he was going to do when he said he was going to do it.
I can appreciate that.
And so it's just these parts.
I don't want you to beat yourself up because you're afraid
or beat yourself up because you don't trust me.
You have a, you rightfully so don't trust me.
And if man has never poured into you,
you're giving them back what they put in you.
That's all you know.
That's like, you're gonna spit up what's been put in you.
And now that you've gone through the healing
and these things have been stirred up,
now the new things are going to be deposited in you
because there's a small wee bit opening
that could allow for it.
And so I think that the Lord always reveals
to redeem and to restore.
He's not one that dangles a carrot in front of us.
Now say, figure out how you going to get it.
That's not who our father is.
And so, and just this last example,
I had dated this guy for an entire year
and I didn't know he was married.
We had gone to premarital counseling.
We had, he was going, I was remembering another church
where he's going to my brother-in-law church
with my brother-in-law's the pastor.
And he was like, like all this stuff,
all my niece and nephew, they all knew him.
It's like, how do you date somebody
you're not know they're married?
Had I gone to his house before?
Yes, I'd gone to his house before.
But his ex-wife, well, not ex-wife.
She gave his ex-wife.
His wife, who I thought was his ex-wife,
she lived in Dallas.
So when it all fell apart from one simple prayer,
Lord, if this ain't you, let it fall apart.
And boy, did it fall apart like the bottom fell out.
Anyway, what happened was the Lord told me,
he said, hey, listen, I woke up that next morning,
like I was just distraught.
And he said, do me a favor.
Don't look for a call, a text or email.
Can you do that?
I said, yes, I can do that.
The next morning, I opened my eyes.
He said, the Lord told me, clean my apartment,
like call my friend over.
She came over, help me clean, throw everything away.
So, oh yeah, he said, don't look for call, text or email.
He was telling me, you're not gonna get an apology.
And you're not gonna say goodbye, right?
So I went through, I'm on a inner healing team.
And so, and I have, I already have a trauma counselor.
So I have so many things already in place.
And I know what has to happen after something like that.
Cause I know the trauma that's been done,
not to the depth, but I know sometimes.
So I'm already talking to my counselor,
already in inner healing church.
I'm already all these things.
So I don't know, maybe about four months later,
I said, maybe let me try this dating thing to see.
It felt so weird.
And I'm, I'm coming straight up.
I'm getting to know this guy.
Like we went out to lunch and he was like,
you're so much fun, let's go again.
We went again.
And I wasn't, my heart was still kind of numb.
So I really couldn't receive him that way.
I didn't think much about it.
I didn't think, is he the one?
I wasn't there yet.
But what happened was the next time we were talking,
he wanted to go bowling.
And I said, hey, you know, do you still want to go bowling?
He's like, Evan, I'm so glad to talk to you.
He said, I met another young lady
and we live closer together.
And I.
I think it just makes sense for her to try a relationship
and get to know her better.
And so I just want you to know, getting to know you
has been absolutely amazing.
He said, you are the most God-fearing, honoring woman
I've ever been with.
He started to say all these wonderful things about me.
And I said, well, OK.
I'm so glad that you met someone and y'all
were going to be in close proximity.
But listen, this is what happened.
When he hung up for me, the Lord said,
this is the way I want you to receive goodbyes.
And this is the way it's going to always be for you.
God made up for me.
He made up in this man what that man didn't do.
Right.
That was strategic.
That wasn't like, oh, and on the flip side, look what you got.
He, as soon as that man hung up for me,
God said, this is the goodbye that you deserve.
So he said, don't even worry about getting
a goodbye from that joker.
I'm going to give you what's owed you because I'm your father.
And so I said that.
I took that time to say that because I
want you to know that God is strategic in that way.
And he sends people to do things, little things,
that restores our soul, that heals wounds,
that it don't cost you a great big investment.
It don't cost you a big old chance to take.
And when you're dating these men,
the one thing you can hold on to is the thing
that I hold on to the most.
He's probably not your husband.
Just say that to yourself.
He ain't the one.
And don't start thinking superficial.
Well, what if he is and I'm rejecting him?
God don't work like that.
But to keep you safe, just say, he's probably not my husband.
So I'm just going to get to know him.
Right?
That takes the pressure off, yeah.
Yeah, it really does.
Just say, he probably ain't the one.
And if he is, trust me, baby.
You will know.
The Bible says that when a man find a wife,
he find a good thing and obtain favor from the Lord.
Any man who looks at you and believes that you are his wife,
he won't be scared out.
He won't run at the first sign of trouble.
He'll be a man that knows that when God put two people
together, cultivation has to happen.
And he's going to look at you and he's going to say,
I think I can work with it.
I see she's afraid, but I think I got it in me to work with it.
You understand what I'm saying?
Yes, thank you, Ebony.
You're welcome, Stephanie.
You can't lose.
You're on the winning team now.
Hey.
OK, is that it?
I hope I answered everything.
Yes, more than enough.
OK, great.
All right.
Then we'll stay with Preeti.
Oh, and Preeti, before you start talking,
so Laura asked a question a long time ago, y'all.
And so she asked, what are my thoughts or, I guess,
coaching thoughts on dating someone
who you are not attracted to?
Was that the question, right, Laura?
Laura, not Laura, but Lori.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, our thoughts on dating someone who.
That was based on Mandy's conversation.
Oh, about her dating someone.
But the way she said how unattractive he was to her,
I mean, that went pretty far right there.
Like, she not like, oh, his nose too big.
Oh, he kind of short.
His ears are flappy.
You know, like, she ain't say no fixable stuff.
He got some tart on his teeth for, you know what I'm saying,
he missing a tooth, which is rough.
But we can get a tooth put in, you're pretty good.
Now, we can get you a tooth.
Order that up.
Right, we can get you a good cleaning.
If you're good, we might even find out
how to get you a good bath.
And sometimes you smell like oil.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, man.
She, now, that was far with she.
I mean, I was a little turned off by the man
just listening to her.
My stomach turned.
I said, God, look at you.
I don't see how she like that.
So I think that it's going to be very challenging.
And I had to learn this the hard way, Laurie.
But it's hard to, there's a level of you're not my type.
And then there is, I am very unattractive to you.
Yeah.
So you're kind and wonderful.
So there's no level of attraction, right?
That's a different measurement for everyone.
Because me, personally, I don't need a fine man.
As long as I look better than him, I'm happy.
I just, I, but he needs to look, I need to be able to stomach him.
So right.
He can look like a little rat.
I'm all, I probably could work with a little rat looking face.
I'm just being honest with you.
He's a good man.
He's a terrorist.
He fears God.
I just love God, but fears the Lord.
That the reason he treats me the way he treats me is because he knows if he goes against
his father, he's going to have some business to tough out with him.
Like that type of man who fears the Lord, that the reason why he didn't cheat on his
wife and the reason why he's faithful to his children and family is because he knows he
has the answer to God.
Yeah.
Man, you know, I can work with little stuff like that.
Yeah.
I know the weight of those things, but if you are like complete, if you are just like,
when you look at him, you want to throw up.
You can't, I don't know how you're going to.
I can't even.
Yeah.
I couldn't even do that.
Yeah.
So that's going to be challenging, but I'm on the other end of wanting, wanting a lot
of attraction because I, I, yeah, because that's not what I was.
I was married to somebody I was attracted to, but not crazy.
Yeah.
As long as I'm attracted, but I'm, I guess, so I don't know if somebody turns your stomach,
I just don't know how that's going to work.
Yeah.
That won't happen.
I'm worried about that.
All my time.
You ain't going to be able to be out.
If you thinking when you with them, I hope don't nobody see me, baby, just leave it alone.
Oh yeah.
No, I won't do that either.
Yeah.
Because yeah, that's, that's too big of a deal, which is also why I think video dates
are really great.
Like a initial like meet and greet over video is great, but I, I, I have, yeah, I've only
been on a date with Steve so far.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a quick question while I'm on here?
Okay.
So I chatted with a second guy, another guy like Steve reached out on Facebook dating
and was super the same type, super fiery eyes, like rugged, you know, all the same thing.
So I'm just like, and he was just like, Hey, like I'm he's, he's he was just like, Hey,
I'm super interested.
But what are your, would love to hear your thoughts on the distance.
And it's only three hours.
And I mean, I've dated like from California to Michigan.
So I'm thinking, I'm like, yeah, that's, that wouldn't be a problem.
I don't see that as a concern.
And he never messaged back.
And he was, he was like, he did have like pictures of the Detroit Tigers.
And I've realized he was with somebody famous, but I didn't know that.
And maybe he needed me to know that.
But like, it was just the weirdest thing.
It was just, and I find like that, like, you know, my adrenaline just goes really high
when I see this gorgeous guy and like super high attraction.
And it's like, Steve, he came in hot.
And I thought, oh, this is my new type.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if this is my new type.
And again, like, I loved what you said when you were talking with, oh, you processed for
a while.
I can't see her on here, but the gal that you were talking about with a father.
Yeah.
And I just loved what you said with, you know, I'm like, the, the Lord was just saying, like,
why are you allowing a man that comes in and text you once to, you know, him falling off to,
to define you in any way.
But I did have an opportunity for more heart healing and went into another encounter.
So I'm thankful for that.
But just, yeah, just why would, what, what do I need to work on other than that heart
healing for like, it was on around abandonment.
And so like, what else could I be working on so that this doesn't impact me?
Because I was like, you know, it's like, I was sad for a couple days.
And that feels, that feels silly that I gave it that much power.
Let me speak into that.
But if you could see how gorgeous he was, Ebony, you might understand.
Sorry, you always do this.
You stay away from the environment.
The way your face light up when a man look real good.
I get nervous for you.
You be like, isn't it?
Might be God's grace that he's like, oh, not, nope.
Too much attraction there.
She won't make it.
Let me speak to this, ladies.
And not that I won't try to hold y'all.
ends forever. I think y'all forget that we're on a faith journey and that when you meet a man,
you are walking by faith. And when you see someone, you're attracted because deep down,
sometimes on the inside of us, all of us could believe that a kingdom man just ain't gonna look
that good, right? Or sometimes we don't believe that we're going to get someone that is just as
handsome as we would desire. Like these, these things that are running in the background,
but you are, every day you click on somebody, you set up a coffee date, you are walking by faith.
You will believe in God for your love story. So think it not strange when you have some
faith fatigue and you just tired. And it's like, well, I shouldn't trip like this because it was
just two days. It's bigger than that. It's not just this guy. It is this process that you're in.
You committed yourself to a program. You're trusting the Lord. You're doing all this work.
You're investing in yourself. You're putting yourself out there and you believe in that
God is going to meet you. And when it falls through, this is another time that didn't
happen. So you pick yourself back up because you're not trusting in that man. You're believing God.
And so it's one thing when you first get started, after you get your seven days and after you get
your seven days, you're like, okay, I did do some dating. So you've been dating for four,
five months at this point. And so I think sometimes we're not counting up what we're
actually doing and how much is it taking to get back up for the thing you thought would have
happened by now. By the time Jackie gets done with us, we ready to go out and take a mountain.
It's really my love story. And he is. But oftentimes there's a journey
from Egypt through the wilderness to the promised land.
And in the process, we're getting stripped of all this stuff that will hinder our promise from
having its fullness in our life. And you don't know the timing. And so I just want you guys to
give yourself more grace when you do get tired. Give yourself more grace when it was just one
conversation and it stings. Yeah, it stings. Because you was in the process before this man
came along. It's bigger than him. This is between you and father God. It's about the man. But
sometimes it even make us think it's about the man, but it's really not. But it is, but it's not
because before him, it was your journey. So I think that it's so important that y'all remember
that. Like faith fatigue is a real thing. And when you feel it, sit down somewhere,
tell the Lord, I'm tired. Because the truth is what's going to happen is the Bible says that
they that wait up on the Lord, he shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings
with eagles. They shall run and not faint. I mean, they should walk and not faint. They
should run and not be weary. That's a real. Why do you think he said something like that?
Why do you think he said in the scripture, he says, after you have suffered a little while,
I will strengthen you. I will perfect you. I will establish you and I will settle you.
That's what the word of God says. Paul says, we don't fight as one that beats against the wind.
Like we're just hitting punches for no reason, right? We're not just like, so all of these
things we know are true. And it's a real thing. And there's a reason why we have those scriptures
that encourage us to get up and keep going and to sit back. And when you're tired and just stop for
a moment and don't have these thoughts like this, if I stop, I need to keep going so I can get
closer and closer. I put it on, I put it on, take a break and I just take some time and just get
regrounded because yeah, it's not a race and, but yeah, definitely like, yeah, it's, it's just a new
thing for me to, yeah, this type, but yeah. Is there something in me that I should be,
that you're concerned about with my getting like so crazy excited? I'm like,
I'm not concerned about you because this is one thing and it's true. The Bible says he who began
good work in you is faithful to complete it. And I don't think he gave me, oh wow. That's the verse
that he gave me when Steve dropped off. I said, what promise do you want me to believe? And he
said, just keep declaring that I'm faithful. And then he gave me that verse. Yeah.
you know trying to do a self-inventory doesn't doesn't serve you best. If there's something that
needs to be pulled out there something needs to be dealt with you better trust and believe that
the father's going to do it because if you're in partnership with heaven for marriage then he's
going to do the work as long as you partner with him yeah yeah okay sounds good you're welcome
okay here we come printing let's go girl
hello so i put my question in the chat but i was super late trying to do it all morning but
i got it but i'm gonna read it now very quickly so um a sister and i from this program we went
on a hike this weekend and you know like before the hike like we prayed like for no tick bites
and also like to meet men organically because like both of us were talking how
like we literally don't see any men and because of this program we've been telling ourselves there
are good men everywhere there are good men everywhere right and so i was like at least
even seeing mankind would be encouraging right so we kind of prayed over it and we went along
and then very early into our hike we we met a pretty attractive man who was you know hiking
by himself he was trying to take a picture in this beautiful background so i kind of reached
out and i said hey i can take your picture and he was very grateful and he was very kind and then
he was very chatty and friendly and then suddenly he became very flirty like in a french french
canadian way you know like he's like oh you mademoiselles are very pretty blah blah blah and
we found out very quickly that like he's he's single and then he comes to visit his mama
and you know so that's why he's here and whatever whatever so i don't know like the moment he
he's with like he was being very nice like it was a little flirty for me i like i don't i don't know
um i think he was a little flirty and then my gods kind of went up and the sister's gods also
went up and so we kind of politely ended the conversation and we kind of went our own separate
way we ran into him a few times and we were kind and polite like you know true canadian but we
didn't engage too much like we didn't like we didn't um you know ask him hey do you like how
many days are you here are you coming back again do you want to go for a hike sometime like we
didn't we didn't try any of it because we kind of got into our own bubble and so we met like we were
talking about this the following day and she kind of had this revelation i was kind of feeling like
weird about it but i couldn't process it and we talked about it and we were like we kind of
went back into our bubble despite the fact that i keep praying that this online stuff is so weird
and i want to meet somebody organically and there the lord answered our prayer and got like you know
a man organically like discovery phase right and then we completely blew it and both of us like we
kind of confided that like how it's our kind of automatic reflex like we didn't plan for it but
it just kind of happened and so and i think like i i was looking back at that because like i work
in a field where there are a lot of men right like i work in policy and government and so like there
are men everywhere and then i'm very professional and like like i'm here to do business and i'm here
to get things done right and so then i kind of like don't switch into like oh like could this
person be something more and like it's very hard for me to switch that
mindset so a i got awkward b i chickened out uh so i guess i wanted to ask you
like what can i do practically like other than because i came back and prayed about it right and
like i was like lord like i was really stupid like i didn't i didn't act on what you like
opportunity you presented to me but i don't know like if um if you have any practical advice for me
so that's a really good story and i have done that also and so i just practiced it a whole lot
like i'll just go in like heb and be like it's just a grocery store here i'm like let me find
one and so i don't like to fear something and if i fear it i go against it with everything in me
this is just kind of mindset i have and so what you can practically do
you won't do what i do just walk up to somebody
so i'll walk up and i'll be like hey or like if they look like you talk men are much nicer to
talk to than women usually you're right women like i'm busy move along unless you say their
hair is cute or their clothes are cute or something like that uh and so so what
you do is you could just be like, oh, hey, how are you?
You know, how's your day going?
And it's like, everything's going great.
You can just keep going.
You don't have to, you know, like you can start
breaking yourself in if you're at the gas pump
and the guys at the pump says, hey, how are you today?
Just something like that.
Give him a nice strong look, you know,
check out, see if he got a ring on his finger.
So this guy was at the service station
and maybe about five days ago
and he was playing this affirmation,
like God's kingdom come, his will be done,
like this very loud in his vehicle.
I was like, I wonder is this guy married?
And I kept trying to see his finger,
but he was at the other gate,
like on the other side of me, so I couldn't see it.
And so I was like, you should say something.
So I said, like, my heart stopped racing.
Like I still go through the same process.
None of this changes.
Then I was like, hey man, what's that you're listening to?
It's really good.
Then he came around and he's like, he was married,
but he was like, yeah, this is on YouTube.
He's like, let me show it to you.
And he was a man of God.
And he was like, it is so good.
I was like, yeah, it is.
Thank you so much for sharing.
It's just nice to hear it.
And it really was good.
But that was just an interaction.
And I just went for it because at first I was like,
just forget it, don't say anything, right?
And so when you interact with a guy,
if he wants to say something to you
and you're looking at him and he's looking at you,
this is opportunity to make a move.
And you can just start speaking to me if you like.
You can slow down and speak to somebody.
And don't move too fast when you're walking away, right?
It's like kind of linger.
I think that's a practical step you could make.
It really helped me a lot.
I don't know.
What are your thoughts about that?
So what should I have done when he was asking,
so what are you guys doing after the hike?
Are you going to this market or whatever?
I mean, we just said, no, we are not going to this market.
So what should I have asked more about his?
I was just like, it was almost like I was lost for words.
And honestly, I'm an extrovert.
I can literally talk to anybody under this.
Did she freeze or did I freeze?
Did I freeze?
Prateek froze?
She froze.
I don't know.
Somebody was telling me, oh, I should have got his phone
number or exchanged Instagram.
And that just feels a bit too intense for me.
I don't think I have the courage to do that.
Well, I understand that.
You gave him enough conversation.
He could have made a move if he wanted to.
And sometimes we have experiences just
so the Lord can show us how closed off we are.
Because when he started flirting, your first thought was,
let me get out of here.
Yeah.
And he could see it.
Y'all like, don't talk to us.
And women will carry a look.
Like, don't talk to me.
And still be praying, Lord, I really want a husband.
They do it.
Like, I watch women do it.
They won't even look at men.
But they keep talking about they want a husband.
They don't understand why the Lord won't come through.
You won't look at nobody.
Every time you go somewhere, you in such a hurry, baby,
even an angel can't catch up with you.
You like, whoosh, whoosh.
I ain't got time.
I gotta go.
When I'm in my car, girl, in traffic,
men will start blushing.
I will stare them down.
And I can see they'll just keep looking back like,
is she looking at me?
Like, they like that a woman would be checking them out.
It just blows their mind.
And they be like, is she looking at me?
I be like.
But I flirt, too.
So that's a part about my personality.
I'm not saying, like, I wasn't always like that.
But I've learned to grow up.
I've grown to be comfortable telling a man
if he's handsome to me without desiring to like him.
I do that intentionally because I like to build men up.
So that's just a part of my who I am, right?
So but back to what I've seen.
What you can do is start speaking to men.
Now, it's going to be more challenging in your workplace
because you can speak to them.
But I understand how you don't want to mesh all that together
because it's one thing to go on a coffee
date with somebody from work.
But if you get down the road in some months' time
and y'all find out y'all don't work out too well,
I don't know how well that's going to go in the workplace.
But practically, you need to start speaking to me.
Okay. Yeah. I mean, when I mean work,
like it's the external circle,
like not my immediate work,
or my immediate work is like a no-no,
like it's too much of HR contention to deal with,
but when I meant work is like in the same field.
Okay. Yeah.
You can find a work.
Yeah. I think, yeah,
then you should give a little more.
You can smile a little harder.
Okay. I was in a conference with like,
I don't know, 5,000 men like yesterday and today,
and like I did not do very well.
So I tried.
But see, we need to be up in that call.
I bet every time they look at me, I'd be like this.
But yeah, try it next time.
Smile. You have a beautiful smile.
It's the small things that help develop you in other areas.
Yes.
All right.
Thank you, Ebony.
You're welcome, Felicia.
Here we come, ladies. We're going to speed up.
Hi, Ebony.
Just quickly, you talk about some things that really helped me.
But one of the things I want to ask.
So we know that we're taught how to do the guideline
in meeting someone.
I'm talking to this guy.
It's kind of fun because we're from the same country.
It's very familiar, and that's why I didn't want to go there.
But he's very, he's okay.
He's hot.
I'm learning how to do that.
I'm learning how to see that
because normally I am not like that.
I just very confident and know that, you know,
I talk to guys who are good looking and they're great.
And I like to let them know that they are.
But he works night and day.
He kind of have some choppy days off,
like he'll have a Monday off, but then he'll work Tuesday.
He'll have a Monday day off, then he'll work the night.
He'll have a Saturday day off, then he'll work night.
So he doesn't have the time.
He wants to make the time for us to meet.
He's four hours away.
That's South Carolina.
But he wants to meet me so bad.
And I'm feeling like I don't want to go
all the way there to do it.
I keep having that tug, like, why can't I just do it?
Or should I not?
How far is it?
I think it's four hours away from me.
Okay, why would you go four hours away though?
I mean, like meet him.
I could meet him,
but it's going to be like two hours, two hours.
But because he works so much, what's your idea on that?
Or he said, let's wait until he can take some time off
to do it.
Do you like him?
I'm getting to like him.
How long have you been talking to him?
About two weeks now.
A week and a half.
It's not almost a week.
Almost a week and a half.
If you like him, I think you should go meet him.
I think that if you're not willing to go meet him
and you want to wait till he takes some time out,
you're going to keep talking to a person
that you don't know.
If you like him, go meet him.
So you can make a decision about him.
But I kind of think he's more like
he wants to take the time off first
to make the effort to meet me.
Now, Fenneke, I really don't care what he want to do,
I don't like that it's your expense.
I don't prefer that you continue talking with someone
until they're able to take out some time,
unless they're able to take out the time next week
or the week after that.
I just don't see how that serves you well,
except for you want to keep it that way
because you don't want to go and meet him
because somehow you feel like it could be a waste of time
and you don't want to invest.
There's some reason you're not wanting to invest
in the person that you say you like.
Now, if it's financial or you have to take out work
to make that happen,
then now we're talking about something different.
I have more time than him.
I can make more flexible room than him.
Cause he kind of tours here.
So right now they're going to be laying off soon.
And he kind of waiting for that.
So he's kind of, you know, working for now
instead of taking the time off.
So I have more time.
take this time off because I'm thinking like driving two hours for a day and he
drive two hours I don't know if that makes sense
Felicia when is the man gonna get the time out there what I'm saying that
should I I think he wants to wait for like longer than I would want to take
the time off yeah so how long do you think he's saying which month the end of
the month this month I can't see your eyes anymore so I think this the thing
to hear what you're saying oh well you know this month it's almost it's the 19
it's the 19th today right 20 no today well it's just about 10 more days 11
actually I think it's 31 days in this month I'm so quick like say oh it's not
gonna work you know just forget it I see it I already know we going there why
you hit your ass from it I'm saying that I can't even say that no more I'm
not trying to pull the wool over my eyes cuz this ain't making sense if you like the man
you don't I do like him but I don't know what's so wrong with me I just maybe I'm
scared I don't know well being scared is a natural thing so I'll tell you what
you can drive it two hours and see it as an adventure but if you don't see it as
an adventure I'm concerned like right you can't do it for him and you can't do
it with some expectation that's unrealistic and sometimes Felicia we
are more comfortable talking to people and just having somebody to talk to then
we are actually meeting people and so which one are you talking because we've
been working on this day for a while hey I know so the thing is what I'm this is
my thoughts if you're not willing to drive two hours to meet him when are you
gonna be willing because if you end up liking him you're gonna have you're
gonna want to spend your desire to spend time with him like but if you don't want
to talk to if you don't if you really don't want to get to know this man then
why are you talking to him no this long distance I don't know it's just oh I
don't think I do well with it but that's what that's what came up you know
four hours three hours away okay well sounds like you need to have a
conversation with him huh
about that you don't want to get to know him oh okay now you may have some
because you enjoy feeling this space that's a real thing right um and if you
don't believe that he's serious about you but if you think that he's really
interested in you and I think that you the integrous thing will be to say hey
I'm not interested and I'm not interested in long-distance dating
okay I'll work on what do you think about this I'll think about it and see
if I want to go in I was thinking about it today that I should be a big girl and
just drive the two hours so you like them I do like him okay so I need to
encourage you just to do it okay I don't know I'm asking you what do you
want me to encourage you to do I don't know I just I don't know I just think I
don't know why I just don't want to make the effort to me to go two hours how
long have you been talking to him about a week and a half oh we can have I don't
know I tell you what the longer you chat with him the hard it's gonna be to make
yourself meet him the more possible insecurities to come in just do it
scared like I said last week come on that's right do it scared I think
You should just somebody may mention in the comments that you should just take a day trip
I think you should I think you should do it for you, though
Anything that happens you're not disappointed you took a day trip to meet a guy. It's really fun. I
Can't see I will drive two hours to meet somebody if I was interested
You're not me, but I would definitely do it. Um, just because I enjoy the process of dating
Right, and I enjoy
What it does within me
So, you know, it's a different man's mindset and so I
Think you need to go on a date though. I
Think I need to do it because I don't date a lot
It's like it was hard to just
Take my little car on this drive and we'll meet someone who I was only like, oh my goodness
Yeah, that's not bad and probably playing for multiple hours
So if you're gonna drive to our job should you know have something else playing too?
So I started in the morning like mid-morning with a cup of coffee go do something go to lunch
And then
Walk around the drive back something like that. Okay. Oh, that's not my problem
Then I go then I drive up by myself like I'm making it very hard like okay, so I'm gonna be driving back by myself
You won't bring him back with you
You
Came about yourself
Yeah, I really need to work on that I don't know where's that coming from where I just don't
Move to do things like that
You know, I'll do anything for anyone. I'll drive to see anyone but
Just to do something for myself like that
Yeah, I think I'm making it hard
Yeah, yeah
Well, this how thank you so much always great talking with you and I always move one step further when you talk to me
Oh good
Thank you, you're welcome Janie
Did you say Jane
Jane I thought was Janie it is Janey. That's what you said
I'm sorry ladies. I can't come on camera. It's my bedtime and I have on my my bonnet and my pajamas
Not to have money. Come on
Yes, I do. I just wanted to give a quick update and share a win today
Okay, so quick update on Melvin
We did talk about
Actually, I wasn't supposed to call him but I did because I did not want to go into the whole next week
You know wondering what his intentions were. So I asked him he come so yes, I'm very intentional and we had a conversation
About him being intentional and wanting to date and he's like, you know
I'm interested in marriage if it's the right person blah blah blah. And so I said, okay, so we had a good conversation
he said I'm glad you brought it up because
it was a good conversation and I
Didn't think you liked me is what he said. I said, well, why would you say that?
He said because I think I talk too much. I said well, that didn't bother me and he said, okay
So I'm really interested in knowing you
But that was the last conversation that was Saturday, so then he text on Sunday. No, that was Sunday
So then he text on Monday. Good morning
And I said, okay. Good morning. That was it didn't hear from the rest of the day. Okay, go ahead. Yeah
So
And so I told him about the program and then when I saw that the program had a sale
I think that's awesome on Facebook. I sent it to him early this morning and I said, hey, this is the program
I was telling you about
I'm not your friend on Facebook. And so he said oh my last name something was the last name is and then that was it
I ain't heard him from him. I'm like, okay, so I wasn't gonna go be his friend on Facebook
I just wanted you to check out the program. That's the program if he was interested in so he had said no more
He didn't call yesterday. He didn't call today and I was not calling him today either
Wait, no
We'll see if he's gonna be intentional
Well, he's done
engine
right
He said he's very intentional about the process and all that but he has not shown it. So I'm like, okay moving on
so I updated my profile to reflect Phoenix and try to get people in
Phoenix and then reaching out to some people there and gotten any responses
Okay, so my way for today is I remember way back when
We were on a zoom and they think it was Bethany and I
I'm not sure if it was Bethany, whoever said,
that men like dresses.
So I get on my little sundress today
and I go to the grocery store.
Yeah.
So, you know how we ladies, we just pushing the cart.
We pushing around, you know, we're going slow,
just checking out each aisle.
This man comes speeding around the corner,
him and his teenage son.
I'm looking at clothes for my grandson
and down the other end of the aisle,
there's men's underwear.
He comes speeding around the corner.
He's like, that don't look like that's gonna fit you.
And I was like, oh, I turned around and said,
oh, hey, how are you doing?
And so I spoke to him, kind of flirty.
And I saw he had his teenage son
and I'm looking like, okay, dude, he got a wedding band?
And then they're down there
talking about underwear, whatever.
So I'm still there.
And so I goes and avoid him.
I go around the other way
because I didn't know if the man was married.
He got a teenager and I'm like, hmm.
So I go around the other way and go to the freezer
to go get me some eggs and milk.
So he comes over there talking to me about some milk.
He come over there talking to me about milk
and I'm looking at almond milk.
He's like, I heard that milk's not good for you.
I said, well, where you hear that at?
Because that's not true.
And so I said, he said,
well, why don't you drink the other milk?
I said, I don't drink cow's milk.
I said, what are you drinking?
So I just have a little conversation with him,
which was kind of cute
because normally I would have been like,
chill, leave me alone.
You got a whole grown son with you.
But you know, I engaged him
and he sitting on his phone talking about,
hey, Siri, what are the benefits of almond milk?
And he's on his phone and everything.
And I was like, I said,
well, I'm still gonna get this almond milk
because that's what I like.
And he asked me what I do with it.
And then he said, well, I'm lactate.
And I thought the man was leading on to something,
but it was cute.
And he went on about his way.
And I said, he might gonna be up front waiting for me
when I get up there.
How funny was it?
He was long gone.
I stayed in that store a long time.
But that was cute.
That was my win for the day
because I actually talked to somebody eye to eye.
Normally isn't passing, you know,
I'm like, hey, how you doing?
You know, I'll speak, but I'll keep on going.
Yeah.
That was a lot of fun.
And when he saw that feminine woman with that dress on,
he had-
Yes.
But that was my win for the day.
That's all I wanted to share.
Good, thank you.
That was a good win.
Daring, that was really good.
You're welcome.
You know, come on Kim,
come on Kim.
You still on mute.
There I go.
Well, I was kind of going along
with what Lori was talking about.
But so Lori, I had somebody also,
but I've been talking to him for a week.
It was, I'm gonna call him Farmer Jay.
And anyway, everything was good.
And then it was his birthday Friday
and I wish him a happy birthday.
He says, he goes, it's actually my birthday today.
I'm going out with some friends for dinner.
And I'm like, oh, I said, happy birthday.
I said, I hope you have a great time tonight,
you know, or whatever.
And I don't know, anyway.
And then the next day I texted him and said,
hope you had a great birthday.
And we've been talking back and forth
and he's been very, very sweet, very nice.
Everything's been great.
And I actually know someone that knows him
and says he's a great guy.
So anyway, I said, hope you had a great birthday, nothing.
Then Sunday, I sent him a little text and I just said,
because we've been talking about
wanting to talk on the phone.
And I said, if you have time today to talk,
I'm home today doing chores.
And then I said, of course,
you could be extending your birthday celebration
through the weekend.
And if so, I wouldn't blame you.
I sent him a photo from my recent trip to Colorado
because he's been talking about traveling.
And I said, hopefully this gives you incentive to travel.
This is where we went fishing.
We live in such a beautiful country, still nothing.
So that was Sunday, Monday, nothing, Tuesday, nothing.
And I'm like, what happened?
What happened?
Like everything was going so well.
So Carla answered me and said,
don't reach out to him again.
Cause I've talked to him like couple days now,
but that's hard for me
cause it's like, I feel like I have no closures.
Like what happened?
I feel like did something happen to him?
Like, is he okay?
Like, I don't know.
So I don't know.
I just don't like it.
It's just like, and of course my history
is like second guessing myself.
Did I say something wrong?
Did I offend him in some way?
Like, what did I do?
And I know I didn't do anything.
And I've done a lot of healing around that.
And I feel like I was kind throughout the entire process.
So I guess guys just disappear sometimes
and it's just frustrating, right?
Disappointing, frustrating.
So I kind of, it's hard.
So Carlos said, just let it go.
And I'm, I, last night I surrendered it.
I, I, I lifted up and surrendered and said, I'm going to give him to you, Lord.
And then I had to get up to go to the bathroom.
And when I came back, I found myself thinking about it again and
looking back at what I said.
And I said, well, boy, you really didn't surrender.
Here you are back in it again.
So then I was like, no, Kim, give it to the Lord, let it go.
And that's, and today I'm feeling a little bit better about it.
Well, and I do have a date tomorrow, my first in-person date, since
this whole thing started, and it's a coffee date and I do have book club
at 1130 and the coffee dates at 10.
So I only have an hour.
So that's perfect.
I'll have to leave.
Um, but I am nervous, but I, you know, it's like, it's just, like
you said, dating for discovery.
I'm just trying to go and have a good time, have a cup of coffee
and learn and meet somebody new.
So I'm trying to, that's where I'm trying to go in with, but anyway,
so that's all that's what's going on.
That's exciting.
And it does stink when somebody falls out the face because you're actually
trying to get to know this person.
And so I'm interested to see if he's ever going to reach back out and
though it may be challenging whatsoever you do, if you reach out to him and
he doesn't respond, you're going to be upset.
And if you reach out to him and he does respond, you're going to be upset.
I'd almost rather him tell me, Hey, look, I'm, I'm, I went to birthday
with my friends and there's this lady and we're kind of interested.
So just tell me the truth.
I, I mean, I feel like I'm not that invested yet.
I, I can handle it, but just why can't you just say why you disappear?
Like why just disappear?
I just don't understand that, but I guess we don't always understand stuff.
Well, yeah, but we'll see if he follows back up with you.
If he doesn't, he didn't want to talk for whatever reason, I guess.
Yeah, I know.
That sucks.
You block his number.
So when you do call back, he can see you don't play.
No, I would like closure on it, but I don't, I don't know
if I'm going to get closure.
So look, you don't need no closure about what?
I don't know.
Just because we were having a nice conversation.
It was my first one out the gate.
It was my very first person on, on Facebook dating.
And I mean, immediately it was like, oh, this is, this is, this is great.
Like it was making me feel really encouraged.
And then now it's like, boom.
Okay.
All right.
This makes sense.
It was your first one out the gate.
Okay.
All right.
I'm checking with you that I understand now a little bit better.
I'm glad you made they come in.
When is your first one?
Yeah.
If yeah.
Yeah.
I've had people stop talking to me.
I'm like, what did I do?
Why?
Why would you just stop talking to me?
Like, what, who does that?
Who does that?
First starting, they do it at some point.
I got like, oh, whatever.
But it wouldn't, you first started and they just up and stop talking to you.
Or you'd be like, what did I even do to you?
What I do to deserve it.
Exactly.
Um, you didn't do anything to deserve it.
And I became, I'm a firm believer.
And I tell people these, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.
I don't want, I don't even want what you got to say, whatever it is, you're
inconsistent, like, this is not judging.
Like you're looking at a person's behavior, um, because he can come back
and say, oh man, if he said he lost his phone, okay, all right.
Then you could give him a chance to talk to him.
But you know, yeah, just kind of like, but have fun on your coffee date.
And if you get to, if it gets spicy, you may have to miss that book club.
And it's like, I don't know.
Enjoy your cup.
I got to make my book club, but, um, you know, but we'll see each other again.
But he lives in my neighborhood.
He's, I mean, not my neighborhood, my neighborhood, but he lives in my area.
So he's close.
The other guy was like an hour away.
Um, so that's good.
And he's, and he, he goes to a really good church.
He mentioned what church he goes to, and I know it's a really good church.
And I, you know, he's a believer, so that's exciting.
And I didn't know about the other guy.
I knew he was Christian, but you know how that is.
I didn't know.
So maybe God, maybe it was God's protection.
Maybe he's not.
You know, that, that person.
So, okay.
Well, thank you.
I'll go tomorrow.
Oh, definitely.
I will.
I'll post it.
Thank you.
All right.
You're welcome.
All right.
Audrey, it's been a long time coming, but we made it.
Hi, Ebony.
So yes, I've never shared yet in this group before.
I've been kind of processing a lot of things and, uh, thanking things.
I don't have a date yet.
Um, but I do want to share some of my process with you about what is going on.
Um, just like thoughts I've had.
So yeah.
So I just wanted to do a quick share, but, um,
So yeah, I haven't been on any dates yet, but I'm like, it's in my mind because I'm like having to rewire my brain a lot.
Like I haven't dated a lot and I've kind of had the mindset too of like, oh, you know, if they like me, like I might be interested in a guy like, oh, he's cute, you know, or like, oh, I like this about him.
Or, but I'm like, if he likes me, he'll ask me out, like, you know, even with like smiling and different things like that.
But I've never like been one to approach guys, drop the hanky, be like, Hey, would you want to get coffee or something like that?
So now I'm entertaining doing that, like stepping out and initiating conversations, um, you know, with like even text messaging, like reaching out to this guy that I'm, I think he's single, like, um, but it'd be like long distance.
So like, I'm thinking of like these situations where I'm like, why not just reach out and message message them, you know, and just see like first before, before going online.
Cause I'm not online yet.
I'm terrified of going online.
Um, number one, cause you hear all this bad stuff about it.
And number two.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Number two, like, I'm also just, I think I'm afraid, like, I think the bottom line is fear, but also like with online.
I'm such an old soul too.
Like, I'm just like, I hate all this.
Like, I don't like the ghosting and all this stuff.
I'm just so, but I'm also like, well, I haven't tried it before.
I need to try it.
You know what I mean?
Like, so, um, so I know I need to do it.
Um, and, but I think I'm scared too.
Cause like, I'm, I'm like worried about how emotionally it might affect me.
Um, because I don't like texting a lot.
Like I don't like, I don't know, but I like, I like your advice of yeah.
Message a week and let's meet them in person.
Let's get this thing going.
So I'm like, that is a great boundary.
Like I can hold myself to that.
Like I can figure this out.
Like we'll figure this out, but I haven't made my profile yet.
So I'm just like procrastinating on it, I guess.
And then the guys that like, I've thought of messaging, I haven't messaged.
I'm scared, I guess, of rejection, which one guy I did, there was a guy.
It's been a few years now.
I did like, just be like, Hey, you want to get for coffee, go out for coffee.
And it was like a big deal for me to ask him that.
Um, but it didn't really work out, but that was okay.
But it was like a, you know, I faced that fear in the moment.
So I'm like, I know I can do this.
But, um, I just haven't yet.
So, but I'm like you, like what you said tonight earlier, you're like, when I have
a fear, I want to, I want to go ahead and conquer it, you know?
And I'm like, yes.
So anyway, that's kind of where I'm at.
I just wanted to share any thoughts you had.
Thank you.
Audrey, thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable.
Yeah, it is, you know, this fear of rejection, like it's a real thing.
Nobody on here, unless I don't know them, there's not a woman I've ever talked to
who didn't have the same fear you have, right?
The same fear that's confronting you confronting us all and it's not going to
disappear, but also you guys, um, me and have another, another process going
through them, right.
And, but they also have fears of rejection.
It's a real thing, but they're built, they're the masculine order, right?
So there's some things that are in them, but, um, it's just, just
that fear, there's nothing wrong with you.
It's just what it is.
And it's only one way to do it, just to do it.
And so on the dating apps you do have, you don't always have to say something to you
because if you match with them, if you like them and they like you back, at least
you know, they liked you, like they were interested.
And so that a point I started a conversation quick.
So as soon as we match, I'm like, Hey, how's your day going?
Because if I don't do it, I'll forget, or I'm not always in an app.
So I had to get stuff done.
Um, but they liked you, you liked them, you know, y'all liked each other.
So at least you got that right.
And then you just ask them like after a week, go on your coffee date.
Like you say it, I wouldn't be concerned about if you get too emotionally attached
to all these other things, that's part of practicing, learning how to organically
and healthily in a healthy way, get to know a person.
Yeah.
And so you got to think before you came to this program, I talk about all these
different boundaries and things to be the place we will show up and put
our heart on the platter and now you're afraid of that happening again.
And then we say, Hey, don't talk about emotional things.
Don't talk about these.
Don't talk about that.
Then you say, well, you need to know.
I need to know something, but that's what you did before you.
got in the program.
Then you'll get on the program and do the same thing
you did before you got in the program.
But it really is too much.
So the less, the better.
Practice getting to know someone,
because that's the same thing that's going to happen,
needs to happen when you meet your husband.
I know we like all these stories that have these fireworks.
When I met him, it was just like, I knew,
and the Lord told him, and we were married in a month.
It's like, and all of us want an Amazon, man,
and God just do it.
I know he does it.
But we don't ever sign up to the Lord and say,
hey, I need, because you don't know what needs
to be processed out of you if you've never
been married before.
And so you think that you're wonderful,
but ain't nobody but you and Jesus right now.
He perfect.
So you've not had any time to be processed,
there's no time to be triggered to see what actually
comes out of you.
But you think, and you're somewhere in your mind,
that you're wonderful.
I know I'm going to be OK.
He just needs to be a man of God,
and he just needs to be all these things.
And somewhere in your mind, you believe you're perfect.
You don't admit it most of the time.
Or we feel like, hey, I'm good.
I'm really good.
God's going to bring the man and da-da-da-da-da.
But the process is worth it.
The refining is worth it.
I believe that when we partner with Jesus in my man,
when we partner with heaven, we get
to see a different version of ourselves.
We get to see that shaped right in front of us.
We get to be vulnerable and get the sting of rejection.
And we get to see how we deal with it.
Do we go eat sugar?
Do we eat ice cream?
Do we go talk to somebody else when our hearts are hurt?
Do we just bounce back and put another person in this space?
Do we allow people to hold space in us
because we don't want to feel empty or void?
Or do we actually run to God?
Why does that matter?
Because when you get married, your husband
is going to break your heart.
He's going to be the person you have
to forgive more than anybody else.
He's going to be the person you have to show more grace to
than anybody else.
He's going to be the person you have
to show more forgiveness to than anybody else.
The closer people get to you and your heart,
the more triggers and things pop up.
That's just the nature of it.
That's why a child can go out with somebody else
and not cry.
But when they're at home, their mama, whatever she say,
they fall out on the floor and cry.
Because they're the person they feel the safest with.
So she gets all of them.
And you know, some people be like,
they don't act like that when they with me.
Their mama just got them spoiled.
That's not the case.
They feel most safe with their parents.
So their parents get all of their behavior.
That make sense?
And so good night, Ashley.
So that's what I'm trying to say to you.
So I want to encourage you to take the journey
and do it while you're in community.
And you're God defended.
And I know you've heard these things before,
but it does well to hear it again.
All these ladies on this call, we're doing the same thing.
I've done the same thing.
And you can take it slow and at your own pace.
But it's something about when you get an in-person date
and you get cute and you go out, it tells you that you want it
and you're desired.
It has nothing to do with sex.
Just going on a date feels good.
Who can attest by the raising of your hand
how good it feels when you go on a date?
It just feels good.
It's just nice.
It makes you feel like a little dainty woman.
Especially when you're doing it with the Lord.
And I'm not saying don't feel that way when
you're not with the Lord.
But I'm just saying, it's just different.
So I hope that encourages you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
It's just part of the process.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
I'm going to get started.
OK, sounds good.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Joanne.
Hello, this is my first time too.
Welcome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Yeah, to be honest, I felt some Greek.
I'm turning 46 in a few hours.
So thank you.
I would say hope deferred makes the heart sick.
I think that's how I feel.
Like, I just like, oh, I thought I'd be married with kids.
I'm sure many people can relate.
But I think when I'm just giving some context,
I feel a little burnt out of dating.
I'm thankful that I'm single.
I do have dates and, you know, but nobody seems to be aligned.
Um, I get discouraged about that.
And I think I want to address, uh, like a situation you, you commented about it.
Like I reconnected with this guy who I had matched with like a year ago.
And then, um, we're in the same Christian circles apparently.
And then he told me he likes me still like, like, I don't know, it's been a year.
And I did get on a phone call with him and last night, and I'm just, I just, I'm
just not, I'm just, I wasn't feeling it.
I mean, I mean, there's a way I describe is like, he's like really good on paper,
but it's just like, he's trying so hard.
It feels like I'm talking to chat GPT, like I'm serious.
And I mean, I'm just like, I feel drained.
And, but then I was talking to my counselor this morning and she's like,
I feel like, yeah, your hope meter is very low.
You're very exhausted.
And so you're not really giving much like grace for men.
Like, but I feel like I used to, I would just be so open and like give many guys a
chance.
And now I'm just like, well, I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't want to waste time.
I'm almost 46.
I'm pretty much almost for it.
I'm like, so I feel like I'm trusting my gut more, you know?
And not like going against like what I, what I like or don't like, but at the same
time, I have this like, well, am I being gracious enough?
Like, you know, like I think there's a tendency to be like double minded and I
don't want to be double minded.
Like, and I'm very prophetic and I'm very discerning and I'm a much more healed, but
I think there's still like these like wounded lenses.
And so I can discern something, but it could be like, like, you know, negative.
So, so anyways, I'm sifting through all that.
And so I'm like, I don't know, maybe I should just like not date.
I don't know.
It's just like a very, I just feel like, you know, there's the prophetic side of me.
That's like, God is able and I trust him.
I believe him, but I don't.
Like the reality is it's hasn't happened and it's not.
And then I'm like, okay, well, I don't, I'm just kind of in this space.
Yeah.
How long have you been on this journey?
Very, very long.
Like, so like I've never been married and don't, you know, don't have kids.
I would love to have kids.
My last relationship was like almost two years ago.
Um, and yeah, so gone lots and lots and lots of dates, you know, I don't
think I have a problem going on dates.
It's like, I just want the right person.
And I'm like, okay, do I, I mean with Tony, this guy, I, I'm not feeling it,
but I'm like, maybe I should just, you know, say, I just want to be friends.
I'll just be friends with you.
And then I don't know, you know?
Well, I mean, how long have you been getting to know him?
Well, I haven't really been getting to know him because we didn't talk.
We haven't talked for months.
Like all we match on his site.
And then I said, no, I'm not into this.
Like, no, I don't, I don't, I don't want to confirm nice way.
No.
And then I saw him at all these single events.
I'm like, oh, okay, cool.
That's cool.
And then I, we didn't talk, but then out of the blue, he's like, I just don't like
you, like, I would like to catch up.
And I'm all like, remember I wrote that on that, um, in the comment.
And so I was like, okay.
But then I'm like, I still feel the same way.
Like this is draining.
Oh, so what's the problem with them?
What's happening.
It's like, it's too intense, too fast.
And I kind of tried to tell him that like, this is a very deep and
what is he doing?
Give me examples.
Oh, he just, he just talks like, so like even our first few conversations, like
he, it was too much like talking about our past trauma and I take ownership.
I asked him a lot of questions and I shared some stuff, but he
would share like a lot, you know?
And it's not like he's totally talking like as deeply about his traumas, but
he always wants to like dig really deep.
And I love deep, but it's like too much too soon for me.
And I try to tell him that.
And then it feels like he's not very confident.
Like he's always asking me permission.
Like, Joanne, is it okay if I ask you questions?
Of course.
It's okay for you to ask me questions.
Or like, is it okay if I text you tomorrow?
And I'm like, yeah, you should just do,
you know, and I'll tell you when I'm comfortable
and when I'm not comfortable.
Okay.
So what do you think initiated your first,
when you first started talking about deep things with him?
Was it just a mistake
or the conversation kind of went that way?
I don't even remember.
It was like a year ago.
I think it was just-
Oh, okay.
You talked to him a year ago.
How far did y'all make it a year ago?
Wait a minute, how far did I make it a year ago?
You talked to him a year ago.
How long did y'all get to know each other?
I didn't really,
I only had a few conversations and a lot of texting
and I was like, okay, this is not gonna work.
For how long?
Maybe like a few weeks.
And then, yeah.
Uh-huh.
What was that?
Sorry.
Why did y'all stop talking?
I was interested.
I told him I'm not interested
because I felt like there was too much like dysfunction,
like woundedness from him.
Like-
He's super pleasing,
told me like his attachment style,
like he's avoided,
all this stuff.
And I was like-
Okay.
So a year later,
you decided to talk to him again.
Well, he wanted to talk.
I said, okay, fine.
So I talked to him last night.
But when you talked to him
and you've been talking to him about a week,
he's still the same person he was a year ago.
He's different in the sense that he told me
he's in Al-Anon now.
He's more social.
He's in a therapy,
which is awesome.
And he's like more content with his life.
But then the vibe of the conversation was still that sense.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I didn't have the-
So I needed the pieces to make sense of this.
So yeah, you're just gonna have to tell him like,
hey, I talked back to you again
just to see,
to catch up,
to see things different.
But I still feel that vibe.
You know,
I don't know how to exactly explain it to you,
but I'm not interested in us doing anything romantically.
So you don't think I'm being like,
like not being gracious enough
because I'm like just hope deferred.
I'm just tired of dating.
I'm just like,
like-
What gracious enough mean?
Like giving this guy a chance, you know,
like am I being too strict and too harsh?
I mean-
Gracious is like to be grateful for something.
What does gracious mean for you?
Like,
like giving the benefits out.
Like, I guess it's a different situation.
Like giving the benefits out.
Like, you know,
I also mentioned there was a guy who was supposed to,
I talked on the phone
and he was just getting postponing and getting interrupted.
And I felt like gracious would be like,
oh, give a guy a chance if he missed his call
or he was not really-
Like gracious, like give him a chance.
Like, you know, you don't know the guy.
Like-
Okay, got you.
So, a couple of things can happen.
You can set the pace.
You can accept that he's intense
because some people are intense.
You can make a decision
about what you're going to talk about.
You can set that boundary.
I would lean,
I would not lean real heavy on chopping things,
chopping him up a lot.
Like, well, look,
like when he started asking you about things,
he's asking you this because at some point,
maybe, you can tell me if I'm wrong,
he got an understanding
that there are certain things you don't want to do
and certain things you do want to do.
So he's going to err on the side of caution and just ask you,
do you okay if we talk about this?
If we're okay if we talk about this?
And you're like, look, don't do that.
I'll tell you what I don't want to talk about.
But him wanting to impress you
just keeps asking, what do you want to talk about this?
Is this too much?
That's a possibility.
If you keep feeding him what you want
and what you don't want,
you're going to keep getting questions like that.
If you want to give him an opportunity
to get to know him,
then you're going to have to do just that
and just let him show up.
So you won't adjust him to what you like.
Take the next two weeks and let him show up as he is.
Accept him for who he is
so that you could get a good measurement of who he is.
Because two weeks is not going to cost you much.
You already don't like him.
So it's not like some huge emotional attachment
is going to happen.
You're basically tolerating him.
So if that's the way you want to go.
So either you want to give two weeks to him,
let him show up and be who he is,
go out on a coffee date, go to lunch, go to dinner,
and get to know him a little bit better for where he is.
Knowing your mind, you're just getting to know him.
then at the end of those two weeks you can make a decision if you want to get to know him more
the other is i never even allowed him to take me on a date well it's okay this is a new opportunity
so right um this is a new opportunity and so you can kind of surrender to that process of
getting to know him for who he is don't adjust him that's not fair that's not how that works
and then um and you're not gonna be the just anybody you marry you're gonna be miserable
i don't care how much either one of y'all hear from the good lord anybody that comes in somebody
life just like if i came over to you and start moving parts around to suit me it doesn't work
it doesn't don't work people don't that's offensive everybody wants to be seen heard
and known for who they are and accepted for who they are right and so you could say take the next
two weeks it's only a little bit about you know after that understanding that i had heard from
the lord and so i think that he's i'm on my season that i had and all these things um all right
but you can do that the other option is go ahead and say sorry
but but what i don't want you to do is stay in your head about am i being too great and i've
been gracious enough am i being this because is it me i'm tired am i so tired that i'm acting like
this just stop that makes you tired i am a believer that whatever the holy spirit wants you to see and
he is going to show you period he's not going to miss the mark because he don't miss the mark
but you keep drilling yourself do you think this is this do you think this is this do you
think it's this it don't matter let the chips fall what they made
you get to know them and in the process get to know yourself
okay well if you if i choose the route of like okay let me just get to know him do you think i
should just allow him to take me out i've never had him take me out a day i don't even know it's
just all like virtual or groups you know yeah you need to go out with somebody joey how you gonna
get a husband you'll never go out i don't know i just like honestly i mean these are also part of
kind of reminds me of like my past like someone who's avoiding oh he reminds me of past guys
because he kind of told me he has a tendency to be like people pleasing and then like
bye you know like i'm not i don't like something i'm just not confronting but so i'm like
well you know i think that you shouldn't concern yourself with that if you you're going to get to
him you need to go ahead and say you know ask them like hey when is a good time for us to meet
up for coffee and just go for the date i mean it really doesn't matter if he's a people pleaser
thing he avoids because you're not evaluating him on that level right now you're just dating
for discovery if none of that even it's nothing has nothing to do with you
those things don't matter because you remember that you are already sitting on the fence
you say you don't want the man but you give him an opportunity to get to know him and so if you
were telling me that you want to be emotionally invested in him it'll be a totally different
conversation right now not if a person tells you that you if you're if your heart is getting
attached to them and they've already told you that they have a tendency to be avoiding or a
tendency to please and then walk away then we'll be having a different conversation so i'm just
saying that for everybody to hear but she's not at that stage and she's at the very beginning
with one foot already at the door
so let us know how the coffee date goes this week
okay we'll see i'll pray on it and then i'll let you know if i do whatever yeah i'll let you know
thank you you're welcome
okay ladies it has been wonderful i hope that you all rest well i think i got everybody because i
don't see any more um yes we are invested too that's right pamela we all invested in this
we need to know michelle it's so good to see you tonight thank you yeah you're welcome michelle
good to see you good to see you too sarah i don't ever get to see your face so that's awesome good
to see you laura and sarah jt
all right ladies you have a good night we'll see you next time and post on the page
Okay, thanks.
One thing i'm going to be making like i'm gonna do a live i'm gonna go live and ask you guys to give me an update under that post, I want us to do that because we usually have sometimes like 50 women, and so I want us to start doing updates through the week, so we can.
get more done more quickly.
Thanks yeah.
Thank you.
you're welcome all right good night ladies.
Have a great night bye everyone bye.