Jackie taught me, doing it over and over again.
And so somebody hit record before I did.
So I'm going to go ahead and I was going to hit record just since I felt like we had enough
people here.
So welcome to our lovesy slash do's and don'ts of dating.
My name is Renee and I'm exciting to be here.
So I came up with this topic with Jackie because I have been watching and reading everybody's
posts in the community, especially in phase three, I'm like, okay, you're in phase three.
You kind of been there a while.
So I kind of expect we all kind of paid attention in phase two and we kind of know the rules
of the road.
And so I've been noticing some of the same patterns happening again.
And I'm like, dang it, like we've talked about this.
So I thought, I said, Jackie, I would love to kind of revisit some of the rules of the
road, the do's and don'ts of dating at different stages.
And so here are my topics tonight.
I'm going to take questions.
You can be in the love seats tonight.
You can ask me any dating question you want, but here are the topics I'm going to cover
the do's and don'ts of meeting people in the wild, out in the real world without the internet.
Level one dating, especially online reviewing and texting stage.
Like how do you get out of that texting stage?
Then how do you do the live dates and the video dates?
How do you get, how do you do level two well?
And then how do you get to level three or how do you know when you're ready for level
three?
And then the last thing is how to do long distance dating.
Because Brian and I were long distance, we were three and a half hours apart.
So I just lived through it.
So I know what that's like.
So I will try to hit the chats as I get towards the end.
So feel free to like throw it in there.
I don't know who else is Mannington.
I don't know if Cheryl and Aaron are Mannington tonight.
So somebody will alert me if there's something drastic I need to, but I promise this will
be a conversation where you guys both get, well, we both get to go interact back and
Okay.
So meeting people in the wild.
And this is especially important for those that are like really tired of online dating.
You're like, I'm just sick of it.
I need to take a break from it.
That's great.
So unless you are in fact, um, on a dating sabbatical, if you are in fact on a dating
sabbatical, that might be different.
That's an intentional.
But if you are still trying to date, it means you need to be doing something.
It means you, if you're going offline and you're not going to be online, then you need
to be doing the other stuff, which is being willing to meet people out in the wild.
So here were seven things that I thought of that you should be doing.
You need to one, be going to new places.
If where you're going doesn't help you meet people, then you need to go new places.
That might be a gym, a grocery store, a coffee shop, um, a singles ministry, um, a place
where you go watch a basketball game or now it's football season.
Y'all it's like diehard football season in the South here.
And so guys and girls will be out there watching some games.
So go to new places.
That's the most important thing that you need to do is go to new places to y'all need to
do this.
Especially if this doesn't come natural for you, you have to practice flirting everywhere
to everybody.
I don't care if it's some old man where you're getting your little car kind of replaced.
You don't know that his son might be single.
And so there's a way of being flirty and friendly without being sexual.
So it's not like you're trying to pick up some old guy or trying to pick up some married
girl or whatever.
So I know there's men and women on here.
So practice flirting.
So I call this low stakes flirting.
I do this at the gym, at the grocery store, at a coffee shop where I get my car serviced.
And it'll be simple things like at the grocery store.
I'm really short.
Hey, could you reach that for me?
Hey, could you reach for that for me?
Or if somebody is purchasing something I'm curious about, like, oh my gosh, I was thinking
about buying that.
Do you really like that item or oh my gosh, I really love the watermelons here.
Like I don't know.
I just said a watermelon.
Dirty dancing.
There you go.
So practice flirting with people that are low stakes.
You guys, you can even flirt with people of the same sex.
It is just called being friendly and engaging in conversation.
So practice your flirt.
Three, go places where the opposite sex is.
So you know, I used to like be a member at a bougie little bar studio like y'all all
women.
I'm not going to meet men there.
I'm in the women's leadership cohort or Denver Seminary.
I mean, Jackie was like, look, how are you going to meet any men if you're going in the
women's leadership cohort?
I know.
Like I wasn't putting myself in front of any of the men.
And so you want to make sure that you are going places.
I actually got a chance to chat with the men on Monday night, a couple of Mondays ago.
And here's where they are.
Ladies, here's where men are.
They are at sports bars, especially football season.
You can go during the day on Saturday and Sunday.
You can see.
football games. Ladies, there are always good looking men on Friday night lights at your local
high school rivalry football games. It is Friday night light season. You can always find people to
talk to. So if you don't have kids, find a friend who has kids and go and hang out. You'd be
surprised at how many people dancing. I can't tell you how many of the guys in our group here go do
like online or line dancing, West Coast swing. And they said that there was actually more men
going to those places than women. But so go dancing, like go go dancing. Let's see meetup
groups, hiking events, volunteer events. So if you're gonna go to a volunteer event, again,
pick something that the opposite sex is going to go and serving meals to the homeless carton,
like the big jugs of like food supplies and stuff. Habitat for Humanity is a great kind of
nonprofit to support because you're actually going to be doing an activity together.
Outdoor festivals fall is upon us. I don't know about y'all, but like Nashville and Franklin,
find any reason to shut down that dang street right down the road here and have a festival
for just about every single reason. I find festivals and outdoor concerts and outdoor
vendors a much easier way to mingle with people than an indoor like loud concert. That seems a
bit hard for me to do that. So we're talking about the do's and don'ts for those of you who
are coming on late, the do's and don'ts tonight. That's what we're talking about. And right now,
we're focused on meeting people in the wild. Go to new places, practice flirt,
go places where the opposite sex are. Show up at these places. This goes with like the flirting
thing. Show up at these places ready to smile, chat, and flirt. Look your best. So you guys,
normally, when I used to bring my car into the shop and go sit at the dealership, I looked like
I was ready to go shop at Walmart, not go pick up a guy. So now I had to make, so for the last
couple of years, I've just made sure I look good everywhere I go. Like my sister would make fun of
me. Like we would get on the plane. You guys, when you go to the airport, always look good at the
airport. You never know who you're going to run into at the airport. And so like my sister used
to tease me. She's like, why are you getting all dressed up? I'm like, because I'm still single,
darn it. Like I got to look good at all times here. So I can't, I can't take a break. And like,
there's day look and there's evening look. I mean, guys on this group right here, David and Tim could
tell you, we don't need to be dressed to the nines, but we just need to look like we're just
a little presentable. All right. Find the good in every outing. Even if you don't meet somebody,
I can't tell you how many times I've been to like singles events, like local events and women can
get, and I don't know if the men do this. So if you're there, you can, you're here, man. You can
tell me if this happens with the men too, but it is really clear when women, if women don't
meet a guy, like that's it, the night was wasted. It wasn't a good event. And so instead of looking
to enjoy yourself, if you focus on, I'm only going out tonight to meet my husband, meet my wife.
If that's your intention, then you're kind of setting yourself up with a very high stake.
And so you're not giving yourself any room to just have fun and meet new people. You guys,
I've had a lot of really good interaction with my single friends and going to places where I
didn't meet anybody. And a lot of it had to do with my attitude. Also, especially this is true
for the women. And it may be true for the men too, but the men kind of confirm this with me.
If you are going out with girls, pick only one or two girls to go out with. If you want to try to
meet men, men will kind of stay away from you if the posse is four or more. So if they see four or
more girls together, that is probably too many for them to feel like they they're feeling like
it's a girl's night out. They're not going to see that as a way to intermingle. So I try to,
when I try to go out and flirt, I try to only pick one single friend to go with.
Or you pick somebody like me. I'm engaged. So guess what you guys, I can flirt even better now
for my friend. So I'm going to be like the best wing woman right now. So that was my number six
item. Be a great wing man or a great wing woman. Somebody who's going to flirt for you and help you
woo in and reel into somebody to come talk to. Because there's something about when you don't
need to try to find a date, you get much more flirty and much more friendly because like the
stakes are, um, four might be easier than two. Really Tim? So we talked about this like last
week. Like if it's two, it's like if it's two or three girls and it gets easy for guys to talk to,
but if there's only one or two guys, they kind of have a harder time coming with four. But if
working with four girls, if you've gone out with four girlfriends and you've been able to meet guys
and it's working for you, um, let's see, what was number five? Oh, find the good in every outing.
So number one, go to new places. Two, practice the flirt everywhere. Three, go places where the
opposite sex are. Four, show up at these places ready, look good. Five, find the good in every
Six, be a great wing woman or wing man.
And then seven was go out with one or two, try not to go out with an entire posse.
Okay, those are the do's.
Here are some don'ts when you go out or don'ts.
Don't sit at home, don't sit at home y'all, don't sit at home.
Don't sit at home or go places that you know you will not be in front of singles.
Like don't keep picking the same places to go where you're not going to be in front of
anybody that's single.
Don't sit with a large group at a table that is not accessible to mingle.
So if you're going to go with like 10 friends and you're going to go get one of those tables
with 10 people and they kind of jam you in the pack, it's going to be really hard for
you to mingle around the bar area or the restaurant to meet people.
I have found the easiest place to flirt with strangers to be a nicer restaurant sitting
at the bar during happy hour with a girlfriend.
I find sitting at the bar makes it a lot easier because guess what?
Even if a guy's not sitting next to you or a girl's not sitting next to you, they need
to come to the bar to order their drink and that's a great way to talk to a stranger.
Okay, so don't sit at home, don't sit with a large group tucked in the back corner.
Don't only talk to single people.
I know this seems counterintuitive you guys, but like there are so many great married people
that know good people.
Chances are your married friends and married people might know somebody, they might know
the one single person.
So I want you to have that mindset of thinking like anybody is a possibility.
Jackie always talks about network dating and community dating.
I can't tell you how many times, like I literally met this sweet man at church this week.
I want to hook him up with somebody in our program because he was like, he was, y'all,
he looked my age and he was 64.
I don't know how he was 64, but he looked my age and he looked amazing.
And I was like, dude, I got to find you a girl.
He's like, I can't find a good godly woman.
I'm like, I got 700 women I could introduce you to like right now.
And he, and so, um, okay, Jeannie, I'm on it.
I'm on it.
Where are you?
I'm on it.
Um, I'm going to get him in this program because he just looked like a great guy who was just
looking for a great girl.
So you guys, they are out there.
They're just zigging and zagging with you.
Okay.
Now I did say go find, go to places where you want to meet the opposite sex, but here's
my don't on that.
Number four, don't go to places you would never ever go to again with your significant
other.
So if you abhor golf, don't go to the driving range because chances are if you meet a guy
at the driving range, he likes to golf.
Don't go horseback riding if you hate going horseback riding.
So I'm also going to say, um, if you want to go outside your comfort zone, that's okay,
but don't pick a place that you literally hate.
And if your husband or wife did that, you're like, Oh my God, I can't believe they like
to do that.
Well then I would say don't go to that place because you also don't want to be fake either,
right?
If you, so if you're, if you're going to go to a new place you would normally not go to,
you want to be open minded.
But if it's a place you're like, there's no way I'm ever going to go do that, then don't
go there because you don't want to give that false sense of that you enjoy it.
You know, um, five, which kind of goes into number five.
Don't be somebody that you're not.
I don't want you to.
That's why I don't go to pickleball.
Exactly.
Lydia, if you can't stand pickleball, why go do a pickleball thing?
Like that just would be crazy.
I mean, exactly.
Um, don't be somebody that you're not.
So that's kind of like that thing.
Like you guys, you don't have to be me.
You don't have to be Jackie.
You just have to be the best Rebecca, the best Natasha, the best Tim, the best David.
That's the only person that you have to be is you have to be the best version of you.
So don't be somebody that you're not.
Six, don't complain about dating, online dating or work or anything.
So whenever you meet people of the opposite sex, it is really easy to commiserate how
hard it is to be single together.
Like, oh my gosh, online dating sucks.
Doesn't it?
Oh my God.
There are so many creepos out there and creepy girls out there.
They just like, do you know what I'm saying?
Like misery loves company.
So it's really easy to meet somebody of the opposite.
So, oh, you're doing online dating too.
How's it going?
Right.
I know it's a shit show out there.
Right.
Like, you know, like it's easy to fall in that, but let's not do that.
Right.
Let's just be super positive.
Like, you know, I have not found my person yet, but I've met so many great people and
I've learned so much about myself and every population.
There are some great people and I'm trying to pay attention to the really cool people
I meet, not the ones that I don't like.
So that positive attitude will show on your face and negative attitude kind of crinkles
you down.
If you don't have money for Botox or fancy skincare, drink water and have a good attitude.
And that will do a lot for your facial expressions.
I promise you.
Number seven, again, it goes back to don't complain if you don't meet anybody.
It's just the complaining is just.
You guys, complaining is just, you know, it's just the enemy trying to steal your joy,
for sure. Okay, so those are the do's and don'ts of the wild. I'm going to go, I'm going to keep
flying through all of these, and at the end, I'm going to take all your questions. So hopefully,
all of them ask what, how the dating process is going, Natasha, is that what you mean?
Just be super positive about it. It's our opportunity to encourage them. You know what,
I know it can be really difficult, but the truth is, you guys, in every season of our life,
there are platforms and things that we could find all the faults in it, but I really am just trying
to focus on what's going right and what's good about it. And you know what, I'm on there,
so it can't be all that bad, because I'm on there, and I'm pretty amazing. It's like,
so you see how you can turn that around? Okay, so now we've switched over to online dating,
because so many of us are trying that process. Okay, so if you don't have a lot of time,
and I've said this to the men and women, and you're like, I don't have time to spend hours
and hours online. No, don't. Don't do it. Like, pick one or two sites. Like, I was only doing
Facebook dating when I met Brian, and I decided I would spend about 20 minutes in the morning,
20 minutes at the end of the day. That's it. I personally only liked on profiles where they
liked me first. I only responded when men made the first attempt. So men, if you are on here,
know that a lot of us are being trained. We want you to drop the hanky first. So we want you to
like our profile first, and we want you to make the opening comment. Now, I will say this, y'all.
Brian is probably going to put this in our vows, but he had the worst opening line ever. I had this
really cute, sassy photo of me in his opening line. Y'all, I'm a wordsmith. I wanted a big bio.
It was great pic. That's it. That's it. And he picked the sassy photo. So here was my attitude.
Oh, really? Sure, you picked the sassy photo, you scammer. Yeah, you sleaze. I mean, like,
literally, that was my first opinion. So I wrote back, nice smile. Like, I was kind of being
flippant with him. Nice smile. And then he had a really nice opening paragraph because he said,
Renee, I would spend all this time trying to write an opening thing where I mentioned something that
she wrote in her bio. I noticed about what she looked like. I would put all this time into it
for that first text. And then half the time, the women didn't even respond to it. So I thought,
I'm just not going to do that anymore. I'm just going to put a, like a little ping out there.
And if then she responds, then I was going to come in with something more meaningful,
which he did. And so you guys, like, don't be afraid of that first opening text. That's kind
of lame. So, so guys, if you're going first, it doesn't have to be super like, hey, I really
enjoyed reading your, I would, I would encourage more than what Brian did. Nice pick won't always
get you someplace. I happen to be, you know, bored and tired and I was willing to give it a shot.
But say something as simple as, hey, it was really great reading your profile. I look forward
to chatting with you. That's it. That's all you got to say. And so ladies, don't get upset.
Don't get upset. Sorry, the cleaners are outside my door. So don't get upset when the guys have
lame opening sentence. That's why a lot of them have a lame opening sentence because they're tired
of putting all this energy in and women blowing them off. So give them a chance until that second
one. Now, if they don't get past good morning, hey, hey, hey, then you might want to move it
along. It's all good. So here are the do's and don'ts at the reviewing. So I was, I'm sorry,
I jumped to that because I'm trying to help you not spend so much time on texting and being online
on the dating apps. I want you to learn how to get in and get out with the dating apps,
getting in and get out. So that's how you get in and get out. Ladies, you only like the profiles
where they've liked you first. You only talk to the men that reach out to your first men. If you're
going to reach out to women, be actually ready to have a conversation with her. So less is more.
You don't need to like cast the net if you don't think you want to chat with her. And then you can
keep the question super, super short at the front end until you kind of weed out. All right. So here
are my six do's for reviewing a texting page. One, create an engaging profile that hits all the
highlights. So you guys, we know you love Jesus, but every answer to your question doesn't have to
be Jesus. So make sure that you share all of you, all of the things that make you, you, the books
you like to read, the movies you like to go see, the activities you like to do, places you like to
travel, foods you like to eat. Make sure your profile is a good snippet of all the things that make you, you.
Two, include close-up. So like this is a close-up photo and y'all look at face the light. Look how
young I look. No lines and wrinkles. When you face the light, all the lines disappear. Makes you look
really good. I'm looking at the camera right now. I see a lot of you facing the light and you look
like me. I see some of you with the light behind you and you got dark, you know, and it's like, it's
Casting a shadow on your face, so make sure you got light on your, light is your friend, light is your friend.
A full-length photo, a close-up photo, and you guys like photos that show different sides of your personality.
I mean, share briefly what you're looking for in somebody else. Always, oh, when the messages have to, so, Amika, that's a great, I'm not sure if I'm saying your name correctly, Amika.
I will tell you this, how I handled it on Bumble was, I would say this, hey, I really enjoyed reading your profile, especially loved what you said about running.
If you're still interested, I'd love to hear back from you. That's it, that's all I would say.
I would pick one thing about their profile that caught my interest, and then I would leave the ball in their court.
So, you quote, unquote, make that first contact, but you don't have to, like, share too much about yourself.
You're basically saying, hey, I know you liked my thing, but I don't know if you liked mine with 500 other women, and you didn't even read my profile.
So, I actually would invite people, like, hey, I really enjoyed reading this about you.
Go ahead and read my profile, see if you think we might be a match to have a conversation.
That's what I've tried to do, because I actually want them to do that, and somebody suggested sometimes reading their, or answering their question.
Okay, and keep the bio short and sweet.
All right, three, respond if someone catches your attention, even if they don't check all the boxes.
So, like, I will say this, Brian was three and a half, she was like, my new time limit was three hours, mainly because I was in school, and I'm like, I don't have the time to travel more than three hours.
And so, my limit was three hours, and he was three hours and 18 minutes away.
So, I was like, oh, crap.
But you know what?
He had a lot in his profile that I really liked, and so even though he had a really horrible great pick opening line, I liked what he wrote in his bio.
And so, that was just enough reason for me to keep talking to him.
So, respond.
If you're on the fence about responding, always give somebody a chance.
Number four, have your basic questions and answers ready to go.
The same stuff that we seem to ask all the time, and the stuff, if you guys are like, I have no idea what questions to ask.
I'm getting tired of asking the same things.
Have you not noticed in the last couple of single spotlights, we ask really fun questions, and we ask questions that get really good answers.
So, go re-listen to the single spotlights and steal those questions.
They are great first questions because if you notice, those guys and the ladies answered those questions in front of all of you,
potentially over 100 people that could be complete strangers, and they felt pretty good doing it.
So, it's really no different.
So, those are great first questions.
You find out a lot of creative stuff about people without finding out too much of their stuff, if that makes sense.
And if you have them cut and paste it.
Oh, why did the balloons just go up?
Did anybody else see that?
So, if you have those questions and answers already typed up in your task bar or your notes bar,
you can start cutting and pasting them in if you want, or you can have them on your phone so you can cut and paste.
So, if you're like, Renee, I'm so tired of answering the same things.
That's okay.
Then just have some of those answers ready to go.
I don't see old single spotlights in the replays.
I will check with Cheryl on that.
Tim and I will send a message to the guys about where those are saved.
Okay.
Here's what I think are the do's of faith questions right away.
So, mind you, you're still texting.
You've not had a video date with this person.
You've not talked to them on the phone.
So, here's what I think are safe faith questions to ask.
And there are questions you ask and you don't do anything with, and you let it linger,
and you store that information in the back for you to follow up with when you talk to them.
This is not a conversation you're going to keep going if you don't like their answer.
You're not sure about their answer.
So, what do Sundays typically look like for you?
What do Sundays typically look like for you?
Here's what they look like for me.
I go to the gym.
I go to church.
I prep for, you know, school.
I do my meal prep.
I get some laundry done.
What does Sunday look like for you?
If they don't mention going to church, I don't ask them more about it.
I just go, hmm, I tuck that away.
Hmm.
The next question I might ask is this.
When you're going through something difficult, what things do you lean on?
What things or people do you lean on when you're going through something difficult?
Because if you asked me, I would say really good friends.
Sometimes I have a therapist.
Sometimes I pray about it.
Sometimes I might go to my pastor about it.
So, you're going to learn.
If faith is a part of their research, I go pray.
I read scripture.
I listen to worship music.
So, again, if how they get their, how they go through something difficult,
if they don't mention anything faith related, I just go.
Hmm, don't do anything with that information.
If they ask me a faith question,
or if I wanna push just a little bit more,
I might go, so tell me,
is faith a part of your everyday life?
Is faith a part of your everyday life?
And if they say, whatever they say,
and any of those questions, you guys,
they answer it, and I go, hmm, okay.
And I'll just jot to myself,
ask more about this when you're on the video call with them.
I'm not gonna do this until I can see them,
I can see their body language,
and I can hear their tone and inflection.
I'm not gonna, Lillian, probably,
I could probably get these questions somewhere to y'all.
I could probably do that.
I could probably put together
this little typed-up teaching for y'all, too,
in case you wanna have it again.
Okay, so no matter the answer with the faith questions,
I move it along.
To find out if they have the three M's,
or for the men, the MFM,
because you want us to be mature, feminine,
and marriage-minded,
or the three M's, masculine, marriage-minded,
here are the typical questions I might text early on.
Where are you at in your dating season?
Are you just getting started?
Have you been in a while?
And I just let that question linger.
Where are you in your dating season?
Because if they, like, I just got divorced.
I just got on here.
I'm kind of going, well, you know what?
He might take a while.
Like, he's not gonna be somebody
that's gonna try to, like, rush into a relationship.
But if I get a guy who's like, you know what?
I've been kind of doing this a while.
I'm really just looking for my person.
I'm like, okay, that's somebody I wanna talk to.
Or if somebody says, you know what?
I've been single a while.
Golly, I'm really hoping that one day I can get married.
So I pay attention to, again,
these are not questions I do a follow-up with.
I'm just trying to assess where they're at in their dating.
So those are the things I think that are good to do
in those early review texting stage.
Create an engaging profile.
Include those close-up photos.
Be brief in your bio.
Respond if someone catches your attention.
Have basic questions and answers ready to go.
In those faith questions and in you assessing
where they're at in their dating,
you plop a few questions out there
just to get their answers and you leave it be.
Here's what I don't do.
Here's what you don't do in the texting stage.
You don't try to unpack why they got divorced
or why they're never married.
Guys, you probably don't get this as much as women get this,
but, because there's more of us women
that have never been married, I feel like, than guys.
And we get this question all the time.
Oh, really?
Why did you never get married?
There's no short answer to that.
There's no shorter answer to that
than why did you get divorced?
And so, I don't know you.
You're a complete stranger and I'm not texting you
when I think I know the answer to be true on that.
So, I usually just say, you know what?
That's a great question.
It's not a short answer.
I said, here's what I'll say sometimes.
My short answer is, sometimes I made great choices,
sometimes I didn't.
Sometimes he made great choices, sometimes he didn't.
Anything else I'd love to tell you about
as we get to know each other longer.
Seriously, that's it.
That became my new answer,
because it's such a crazy question.
And then the other question I get,
and don't answer the question,
how's it going for you?
That's the other weird question, people.
So, how's this going for you?
Well, I'm still single on here, so I don't know.
Just say, you know what?
I'm meeting some really great people.
Obviously, I have not found my person yet,
but I'm meeting some really great people.
I don't know.
I think sometimes, you guys,
people aren't trying to be creepy or weird
when they ask questions.
I think people just don't know what to do.
Like, I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt.
Okay, here's what I don't, also what I don't do.
So, when someone says to me,
they're divorced or they're widowed,
here's all I ask.
Oh, how long ago did you get divorced?
And they'll say, two years, two months, two days,
whatever it's been.
And I just say, awesome.
Do you feel like you've had an opportunity
to process that with somebody you trust?
Whether it's a therapist, a pastor, a best friend.
Do you feel like you've had time to process that?
I do ask that question pretty early.
I do.
Because whether it's been two months, two days,
or two years does not tell me that they've processed it.
And if they're like, yeah, I really have had a chance,
or I did divorce care.
Again, no matter what their answer is, you guys,
I'm not asking follow-up questions.
When I'm throwing questions out at the texting stage,
I'm just gathering data.
I'm learning things I might wanna follow up with
when I go to a video call.
Okay, two, I don't try to unpack faith,
life in great detail.
I already said that to you up front.
I ask some basic questions and I leave it be.
Here's what I'm trying to do, you guys.
I don't know about you, but I did not wanna have a marriage
that included us texting.
texting on the phone all day.
I wanna be able to see my partner
and have a conversation face-to-face.
So if I start from the get-go, texting the hard stuff,
then that's how we're gonna learn how to communicate,
and I'm just not doing that.
Let's see.
And you guys, do me a favor,
and I know Jackie always says this too,
try not to give too much advice in the chat,
especially if it's countering what I'm trying to say,
because Jackie wants me to teach some stuff,
and so I will definitely try to answer all your questions,
but if you guys start giving advice,
then you're not paying attention
to the content I'm teaching,
and I'm not sure if I would agree
with all of the advice you're giving.
And I don't know, maybe you're giving great advice,
so I'm just saying it's hard for me to keep up with that.
There will be a chance for you guys to weigh in,
and you guys get to weigh on each other's stuff
all the time in the chat,
so you got me, you got me getting advice from Jackie,
so take advantage of that.
Okay, so don't try to unpack.
Okay, do not discuss.
You guys, I see this in the chat all the time.
Y'all still do it.
I don't know why y'all still do it.
Please do not discuss sex, abstinence,
and the early texting exchange.
Renee, I don't wanna waste my time.
Really, unless you're gonna have sex with this guy or girl,
why are we talking about sex
in the first couple of conversations?
Now, if they bring it up, you can just simply say,
you know what, it is too soon
for us to have that conversation.
It is too soon for us to have that conversation,
because what you're teaching
is how to have boundaries and set boundaries,
and see if they're willing to follow the boundaries.
You guys, boundaries is not just physical.
It's about the things that you discuss in your attention,
and there's a lot to do with boundaries,
and it's not just sex,
so do not discuss sex, abstinence, and all that stuff
in the first texting conversation.
This is all relating up to videos.
Okay, and to further that,
do not ask questions about feelings,
beliefs, or anything heavy here.
You wanna get in the practice
of having these conversations live,
ideally when you can see their body language.
You guys know that 80% of communication
is tone and flexion and body language, 80%.
So if we're having these hard conversations by text,
we are missing 80% of the communication.
So we're just guessing, and we're creating stories.
No matter what, you guys are coming to the conversation
with a story in your head, men and women.
You're both coming to the conversation
with a story in your head.
You both have believed a narrative
dependent on your past experiences.
So no matter how somebody answers it,
you're gonna have that lens.
You don't come in neutral.
You don't come in any conversation neutral.
There's no topic that you guys are gonna discuss
when you date that you don't already have
some preconceived opinions, thoughts, and beliefs on.
And if you do that on texting,
it's gonna have a really hard time communicating that.
So that's why we don't do that.
So those are the do's and don'ts of level one.
This is just level one.
You're talking to a bunch of strangers.
You're trying to get to the video date.
If Brian were sitting next to me,
he will tell you the number one answer
I started giving him within three text exchanges with him.
That's a great question, Brian.
I'd be happy to answer that on a video with you.
I think it would be much less clunky to do that there.
That's a great question, Brian.
By the third time I said, that's a great question, Brian,
he's like, hey, so I guess we need a book of video date
if I'm gonna learn the rest of this information.
Oh my gosh, a video conversation.
That's a great idea, Brian.
Let's do that.
And so then it's his idea
that we're having this video conversation.
And so that's what you're setting it up.
I wanna help you guys have a healthy relationship,
which means you're gonna be able
to talk to each other in person.
Okay, the video dates.
If you notice, many of you know that I've taught.
Right here, this is a cute little picture.
I make sure I've got a good setting.
The light is on me.
I look cute, at least from my waist up.
I'm in my pajamas, waist down, but you don't know that.
So my goal is always to get to a video date
within a week of texting.
I never last longer than a week of texting.
Unless I'm like out of the country on a mission trip
or there's some extenuating circumstances,
I usually will say to somebody
after three or five days of texting,
like, hey, you know what?
I don't know about you,
but I'm really not looking for any digital friendships
or any digital relationships.
So I'm gonna wanna move quickly to a video
and or a live date as quickly as possible.
If that's something you're interested in, great.
Let me know and let's get that booked.
Otherwise, I wish you the best.
Boom.
That is how direct I am, you guys.
And I probably went on, I don't know,
a hundred video dates in the last few years.
I promise you, guys will move to that
and women will move to that if they are interested enough.
If they are not interested enough
to book a video conversation with you,
then they're not interested.
interested enough. They like you, but not enough. They like you, but not enough. We
want them to like you enough to book that video date. That is actually why I don't move
to Google Voice. I know a lot of people like to move to Google Voice. They don't like videos.
They're uncomfortable with videos. Here's the reason why I don't like moving to Google
Voice, because all you're doing is taking the texting conversation to a phone number
that they now have access to you 24-7, and they could be texting you in the morning,
on Sunday afternoon, late at night, and you still have not booked the video date. So some
of you love it. More power to you. I'm not going to tell you not to do it. For me, I
would go to a video date, and then from the video date, I would hand out my cell phone
number. So for me, that's when I would give out my cell phone number. Now, I will tell
you this. I don't know what kind of crazy thing I was smoking when I was talking to
Brian because he was on vacation with his family, and I actually gave him my cell phone
number, and our first date was on FaceTime. I don't know why I didn't do the Zoom thing
with you guys. I was being lax and sloppy in my own rules, and for some reason, I felt
like he was safe enough to give him my phone number, and we FaceTimed, and it was fine,
and look, here we are. So sometimes, here's what I will say. The do's and the don'ts,
you guys, don't be so rigid on the rules that we're giving you here. You know, sometimes
just go with the flow, right? We're just trying to give you some guidelines, but it's not
perfect for every person in every situation. And the other reason why I go live on a video
sooner than later is I want to make sure they are who they say they are. I'm not going
to say, hey, dude, hey, chick, like I need to make sure you're not a scammer, so I need
a video date. No, I don't say that. I say, you know what? I'm a visual learner, and I
love to be able to see people when I'm talking to them, especially when I first get to know
them. I'm big on body language and expression, and especially if you're a quiet person, I
just, my brain doesn't know what to do with the silence when we're on the phone. So if
you don't mind, can we do a video chat first? I know it can be clunky. I know it's awkward,
but can you do it anyway? And I'm learning if they like you enough, they will do it anyway,
even if it's not their preferred method of a video. So that's why I like to do it. Get
to a video date within a week, get to a live date within two to three weeks. If they want
to come to, you know, I've seen this on the post. Somebody's like, well, some guy wanted
to go out with me right away, and we hadn't done a video date. Here's what I've done if
they want to see me right away. Awesome. You want to come to me? I pick a coffee shop.
That's literally a half a mile, a mile away from where I live, but I don't tell them that
I only live a half a mile or a mile away. And I meet them there during the day. No harm,
no foul. So I'm going to make it super easy for me. So if they don't want to do a video
date, because that's weird, and that feels like a resume, and they want to meet me live,
then they got to come to me. That's just kind of the rule of thumb. If they like you enough,
what is my answer here? If they like you enough, they will come to you.
I'm trying to help you guys date efficiently, because we don't want any wishy. I don't want
you wasting time talking to wishy-washy people. All of these suggestions I'm giving you are to
help you to weed people out faster. We want you to pick men and women that are ready to court and be
courted, that are ready to date, that have the time and the capacity. And if they're not willing
to do any of those things, then they're not going to make any effort for you in the relationship,
and move it along. Okay. Keep those first few dates light and airy. Unpack a broad range of
topics about who they are today and where they're going. So that's how you make sure you don't get
into the overshare. So many of us, we're empaths, we're in ministry. We are good at getting people
to vomit their stuff. It makes great for ministry. It's bad for dating. I'm the queen of it. All I
have to do is see a stranger and go, oh my gosh, how are you today? And the next thing you know,
they just share their whole life story with me. So it's great in ministry, it's terrible in dating.
So I've learned how I get away from that as I talk about what's going on in their life today,
where they're going. When you do that, when you stay on the less in the past, you're going to get
less of the trauma and drama that brought them to today. So if you stay focused on today and you
Now I'm going to tell you this one and I broke this rule. So keep the stories brief, keep those
conversations short. So I failed that y'all. Brian and I talked hours right from the get-go. Like
once we had our first FaceTime, it was like two hours long and we managed to talk two hours every
night for like two straight weeks. But I will say this, we never once did the I love you stage. We
never once did the, oh my gosh, where are we going to? Like we literally spent two weeks
unpacking who we are and where we're going. He became my best friend in the first six weeks
that I dated him. Like we kept it not not romantic, but we kept it very, like I found my best friend
in those six weeks. So they weren't romance conversations. They were like, hey, join me
in my world today and learn about where I want to go.
and I'm gonna join you in your world today
and I'm gonna find out where you are gonna wanna go.
And so I found my best friend in doing that.
And we stayed away from super romantic questions.
Like, oh my gosh, how do you feel loved?
How do you like to cuddle?
Like, we didn't do that.
We didn't do that.
I really got to know him in those weeks.
So it says, keep the stories about the past brief,
stop with, okay.
So if somebody asks you a question and you're like, wow,
that's about to hit the hornet's nest.
Like if somebody used to ask me about my dad or something
and they're like, that's the hornet's nest.
Learn what you're willing to say at each level.
So if I said something like, or if they said to you like,
I don't know, I'm just gonna make this up.
You know, do you have any daddy issues?
Not that the men would ask that right away,
but just go with me here.
Or what was your relationship like with your dad?
Here's what's safe in the beginning.
You know what?
My relationship with my dad was really complicated
and I'm glad that we put some time
into our final years together.
We were able to have a really good friendship.
That's something I feel really safe talking about
and saying that to any stranger.
As we get further along in that dating process,
I might start to say, you know what?
My dad made so many mistakes,
but he really didn't have the tools to get better
until much later in life.
And you know, it was really hard
and I'm sure it really impacted the choices
that I made in dating and how I dated for many years.
It's a little bit more information.
Then as I go further along in the relationship,
so I want you to think through all of the tough topics
in your life where in the past,
if you started to answer it,
you would start to vomit too much information
and then you have an overshare hangover the next day.
So whether it's your weight, your job, your school,
your divorce, your children,
think of every topic that's kind of heavy in your life
and literally chart it out.
What am I willing to say at this stage,
this stage and this stage?
So if you know ahead of time,
you're not gonna get sucked into the vortex of oversharing.
And that's gonna be how you help
the other person reign it in.
And that's what something, you know,
Brian did really well with me in the beginning
is we learned really quickly.
We both had an issue with our parent,
but we both said for about six weeks,
you know what, that's a really big story.
And if we keep dating,
I promise I'll unpack that story with you.
And I did not find out his story with his mom
until we were eight weeks into the relationship
because it was too big, you guys.
It was really big.
It was even bigger than my issue with my dad.
It was really big.
And I get why he guarded that story.
And I'm glad he guarded that story
because we did not trauma bond in the beginning
because between his mom issues and my dad's issues,
we could have really trauma bonded.
And we did not because we did that.
Okay, so do, I'm sorry, I went way off my list.
Do get to the video dates within a week.
Do get to a live date within two to three weeks.
Do keep the first few conversations live.
Do unpack a broad range of topics
about where they are today, where they're going.
Number five, do keep the stories about the past brief.
Six, look like you're all in for your dates
with your appearance, surroundings, and behavior.
You guys be all in on your dates.
Like be all in on how you look,
how you present about yourself.
If you're doing an online date, don't do it schleppy.
Like guys, it's really funny
because I do a lot of teaching with the guys.
And you guys sometimes pick the darkest room in your house
to get on video camera.
Like take a peek at where you're getting on video camera
and make sure it's got some light and airy
and some life into it.
Maybe it's got a cool picture.
If you guys remember from the single spotlight last week,
David, that guy David was sitting behind that,
in front of that picture, that was amazing.
And he was able to like have a whole conversation about it
because of what was behind him.
Seven, let them know at the end of the date something.
If you never wanna see them again,
you're just gonna simply say,
Kathy, I had a really great time.
I, Kathy, I really enjoyed getting to know you tonight.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Or, you know, John, you know,
thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me.
Period.
And then you turn and walk away.
If you really liked him and you wanna see him again,
you're gonna be like,
Candace, I really enjoyed myself tonight.
I don't know where you're at,
but I would love to continue to get to know you.
If that's not where you're at, that's okay too.
But I just wanted you to be sure you knew where I was at.
And then you turn and walk away.
So you are letting them know
exactly where you stand with that.
If somebody asks you out on another date
and you're not sure,
you can just be really, you can be totally honest.
You can either say, you know what?
I've really enjoyed getting to know you.
I don't think I wanna continue this further,
but I really appreciate it.
I had a really great time tonight.
It was really nice of you to spend all this time with me.
Or if you're on the fence
and you're not sure you wanna say yes or no,
just say, oh my gosh, thank you so much for asking.
You know, let's just both sleep on it tonight
and see how we both feel in the morning.
and, you know, get back to each other or, you know, let me get back to you on that.
Let me check my schedule and get back to you on it.
So if you feel like you need to let them down in a text message, you can say, Hey, let me
think about that.
Or let me check my schedule.
I'll get back to you.
There's a lot of ways that you can kind of fend it off.
Don't treat...
So here's my three don'ts.
I only have three don'ts.
On the video dates and those first couple of dates, do not treat it like it doesn't
matter.
But two, don't treat it like it's life or death.
You guys, it's just a first video date.
It's just a first date.
Now, I know some of you are like, Renee, I haven't been on a date in 10 years.
It's epic for me.
Like, I get it.
It is.
Sometimes it is when you're getting back on the horse, except don't treat it like it doesn't
matter, but don't treat it like it's the end all and be all.
It'll be a much better place for you if you can hold your hands a little bit loosely.
Three in that first video date or that first date, do not try to figure out if you want
to marry them.
Please don't.
You're just deciding if you want to go on a second date with them.
That's it.
You're just deciding on the next date.
Okay, you guys, I'm almost done and I can't wait to get to some of your questions that
are in here and I am going to slide back in.
Level two dating.
So now you're in level two dating.
You're actually going out on dates with this person, but you're not yet exclusive.
So he might be going out on other dates.
She might be going out on other dates.
We don't know that.
One, there's only three dos.
Do have fun.
Have fun.
You guys try to have fun.
This is discovery dating for a reason.
We want to make sure that you are not treating it like a job.
Pick things to do on the date that you will enjoy whether he or she is a schlep or not.
Like you want to like pick things that you actually want to go do so that your chances
go up that you might actually enjoy yourself, even if this person's not your person.
Because look at all the other amazing people in this community.
That date you just had might be a really great person, but not your person, but you've got
a whole community for you to bring that person to.
Number two, especially this is true if this is long distance or if you met somebody online,
date in community.
You guys do not solo date.
Do not just keep bringing them to your house.
Go out on all these dates, meet his people, meet her people, bring them to your people.
I date, you know, poor Brian talks about how the first eight weeks felt like the Supreme
Court justice confirmation hearings because there was not a weekend that went by that
he didn't meet somebody in my posse.
I found every godly couple that was married 20 plus years.
I didn't care what my bitter divorce friends had to say, really.
I didn't want them to meet Brian because they were just going to be cynical, but all the
happily married people and all my single people that still had hope, those are the people
I wanted to meet with Brian and I was waiting for them to poke holes at him at any given
moment because I really wanted to make sure his character was showing up in everybody
else and not just me because I had like rose-colored glasses on.
Three, and I kind of mentioned this early, know your boundaries when you're dating in
level two.
What are your boundaries on your time?
How much time are you willing to give?
Your schedule, how much you're willing to carve out and change your schedule because
of this person?
And the content information that you're going to give them, kind of like where we're talking
about before, and what are your emotional, spiritual, and physical boundaries?
So a lot of times with boundaries, you guys, we just think it means like, can I make out
with him or her?
Can I, you know, how much physical contact can we have?
But you want to think about your spiritual boundaries, your emotional boundaries, your
time boundaries, your schedule boundaries, all of those boundaries.
Be thinking about them ahead of time in that level two dating.
So do that.
Four don'ts.
Do not declare your undying love in those first four to six weeks.
We did not.
And I'm not saying you should have to follow the way we did it too, but try to reign the
that in.
In the first four to six weeks, continue to get to know them.
If you're feeling the undying love, that's fine.
Just keep it tucked in just a little bit, just a little bit longer.
Number two, do not try to future forecast too much in the first four to six weeks.
Try not to, like Brian and I were super committed to not plan too far out.
Like sometimes, like when we met in like February, we were like, right away, we was like, oh,
what are you doing in July?
Oh, we're not talking about July yet.
That's too far out.
Like, oh my gosh, would you want to come to my niece's wedding with me in September?
Okay, well, we're not future forecasting.
Like so we caught ourselves because it was really easy to be like, oh my gosh, I got
my person.
I got my plus one date for New Year's and Thanksgiving.
And like, it's still February.
So slow the roll.
Like, so try not to future forecast.
Try to stay present when you're in that level two dating.
Be careful of physical intimacy, of course, because we don't recommend you dating more
than one person.
If you are starting to make out with more than one person, we all know that movie because
I said so.
That was the only part about Mandy Moore's character that really made me uncomfortable
was the fact that she was like really intimate with two people at the same time.
It would have been one thing
if she was doing level two dating with both of them,
but she was not.
Also, here's what you don't want to do in level two.
Don't use lingo that we use here
and that they don't use out there.
It's kind of like, you know, when you're on church people
and we say things like fellowship and we use terminology,
like even koinonia, breaking bread,
like we use term, we have, we got Christian terms
that like don't make sense the outside world.
Like I'm pretty sure they don't call themselves secular.
We do, we call them secular.
They don't call themselves secular.
No.
Okay, so we don't want to say things like,
well, I'm only doing level two dating with you.
Okay, what the heck is that?
I need to make sure you got the three Ms.
Okay, so like do all the things,
but you guys like don't, like don't use terminology
that's going to scare them away, like whatever.
Now, if they want to start to learn more,
but here's what I used to say to people.
I'm in an online Christian singles discipleship community.
That's what I used to say.
That's what I felt comfortable saying.
Online Christian singles discipleship community.
That worked for me.
Saying matchmaking when I was running
a faith-based nonprofit, didn't work for me.
That works for you, great, go for it.
Like I'm not saying lie to people, but be honest,
be as honest as you want to be with people.
Okay, so are you ready for level three?
You are, know you're ready for level three
when you realize you're both on the same page
and you really want to focus on each other.
And it looks like you have the same core values, beliefs,
and you want the same things out of life.
Do not go to level three,
simply because everybody else around you is,
or because a lot of time has passed,
or because you feel pressured.
And if you absolutely have zero attraction to the person,
and you can't see that in changing at all,
and you don't look forward to being with them,
please do not get an exclusive relation with them.
I'm assuming you're going to get exclusive with them
because you want to actually spend more time with them.
Okay, long distance.
I'm just going to really kind of fly through this
because I want to be able to answer some questions.
Long distance, please get to a video date
as soon as possible because we want to make sure
that person is who they say they are, right?
Get to a live date within a few weeks.
And you guys, sometimes you guys say things
are long distance and you're like, it's 90 minutes away.
That is not long distance.
Like it's inconvenient, but that is not long distance.
That's like commuter hour.
Do you realize it could take me an hour
just to get to downtown Nashville?
And that's only 20 minutes, technically 20 miles away.
And so when I think of long distance,
I think of like at least two hours or more.
If it's 90 minutes or less,
that's just, I would call that inconvenient,
but I would not call that long distance.
So these are people that you're going to have
to really book that driving time in there.
You want to get to a live date within a few weeks.
Jackie used to say within six dates or six weeks,
but we've realized the sooner the better.
The sooner the better on a live date.
Obviously, if you have to get on a plane,
you may have to think that through a little bit,
but I would say, even if you have to get on a plane,
I would not go longer than three months.
You guys, please do not go longer.
And then don't go longer than a month or two
between live dates.
When you are doing long distance,
you need to make sure you know what that person
is like in real life.
And you don't want the digital relationship
to get ahead of the live relationship.
And so you really want to make sure that you're doing that.
Take turns on that location.
Meet halfway, stay connected.
And if you guys are meeting live on the weekend,
do not just use texting throughout the week.
Try to at least book one video call,
if not one phone call during the week, if not more.
But don't go from a live visit to just texting all week.
We want to try to increase your in-person,
your live conversation with that person.
Do be safe.
I want you to be safe.
So this is made,
always let folks know where you are and have a backup plan.
There was a girl in this community
that was actually dating this guy
that lived about 20 minutes away from me.
And I got a frantic phone call from her
because she booked four days to be with him.
And I forget, by day or two or three,
she was ready, like she was already at the airport.
And I was like, girl, like, I will come get you.
Like, I went to the airport and picked her up.
I'm like, you got two more days here.
You are not going to sit at the airport for two days.
Like, I'm not letting you do that.
But I also don't want you to be with somebody
that you don't feel safe with.
So when you are going out of town,
make sure you have an exit strategy if you need one.
Make sure you got your girls,
your guys ready to protect you.
Don't invest too much time online until you meet.
Keep it at level two until you meet in person.
Don't just talk and talk and talk and talk, talk, talk, talk,
because that's not real life.
So if you're going to do a lot of long distance,
digital time, make it fun, do board games,
watch a movie, do cooking together,
take each other on a walk through your town,
find other ways to just talk.
And then also don't let it drag on.
Long distance dating is not forever.
Jackie will always say it just flames out really fast.
or it just starts to drag out and people lose steam.
So you wanna make a long distance live sooner than later.
Okay, if somebody has a question,
go ahead and raise your avatar hand
and I will answer the questions
while I'm also gonna try to fly back through.
But if you think you had a really good question,
feel free to post it right now
and it'll be probably easier than me
trying to go all the way back.
So y'all been chatty, which is good.
I love that y'all been chatty.
Is it Wiz Dean?
I love that.
Okay, girl, you're up.
What's your question?
So I have a level two guy that's coming to visit me
from out of state this weekend.
And we've talked for about like a month,
we're doing video dates.
So I wanted to ask,
cause he kind of mentioned some of his past relationships.
When would it be appropriate to ask about that?
Mostly because he brought up that he traveled
with some of his ex-girlfriends before.
It might've been just one,
but he did say,
oh, but I paid for them to have a separate room.
So that kind of made me like, oh, really?
So I just kind of am like-
So he hangs out with his ex-girlfriends after the fact?
No, no.
This is like when he was dating them,
he traveled with them.
Oh.
And had like,
he said that he paid for them to have a separate room.
They stayed in separate rooms.
Yeah.
I do wanna kind of know that before proceeding
cause that's-
What do you wanna know?
Well, I just wanna know like,
does he,
did he actually have separate rooms
or is he just saying that?
Well, I will say this too.
What you really wanna pay attention to
is how he wants to date you.
And so I can say this,
five years ago,
the last two people that Brian dated,
he slept with both those girls
and he behaved in a way that I would not behave.
Now he's a different person
and he dated me completely differently.
And so what I learned is it was less about,
is how he was in the past gonna be how it is today.
It's more of,
will he date the way you wanna date today?
So I would more focus on things like,
if it comes up in conversation,
like, you know what?
In the beginning of us dating,
even if we had separate rooms,
I just wouldn't feel comfortable,
you know, going and traveling together.
Is that something you'd be okay with?
So what you're really trying to establish is,
here's my boundaries.
How does that fit with you?
And how does that fit with what you're,
cause if he says to you,
well, gosh, that's ridiculous.
Like, I totally feel like we should be able
to travel together and get separate rooms.
And then you're gonna have to pay attention
to what that sounds like as his,
as you talk about boundaries and other topics.
Because again, you wanna have a partner
who's gonna want you to feel safe.
Cause like right away when I first met Brian,
he was saying something like,
oh my gosh, this is where my family comes every year.
And if we're still dating in a year,
like he said this in the first week, y'all.
I was like, whoa there, bucko.
Like, A, we've only been talking a week.
And B, if we're not married,
I ain't going on no trip with you.
Like, that's how snotty I was.
Because, and I just think he got excited in the moment,
but like, I promise you, as he started to court me,
he realized there was no way in heck
I was gonna go on a Florida trip with him.
And I teased him, I'm like, today,
some of the stuff that you said in that first week,
I'm glad God gave me the grace to give you some grace.
Like, I will say that you guys,
and I'm not saying you don't pay attention to yellow flags.
I'm not saying that, but I'm saying
there were some slightly dumb things
he said in the beginning.
And he also dated non-believers.
And so I was probably the most serious believer he had dated.
And so my set, my boundaries were a lot tougher,
but he was really willing to do those.
And he ended up being much happier in that.
So I would say, start to be clear
about what your boundaries are,
what's important for you and see how he honors those.
Does that help?
Yes, that's helpful to focus on the-
Yeah, because otherwise you're gonna get dragged
into unpacking his past too much.
And I don't want you to spend your time
getting to know him today with learning about his past.
Okay, that's good, thank you.
You bet, sweetie.
Oh, Nitin, hello.
How are you?
I'm good, how are you?
Doing well.
Go way back.
Quick question.
Let's just say I'm interested.
I see a lady on a call on a regular basis
or on let's just say frequently basis.
And if I'm interested in them
that are in part of the LYS community,
what would be the best way to get in touch with them?
Because I realized that I can't send every request
to admin at Jackie because you guys are,
Jackie and team is busy.
Okay, so you're trying to find somebody
in this community to talk to.
Okay, so I will say this,
ladies make it really easy for the guys
that contact your Facebook profile or your Instagram handle
however you want to receive.
direct message, that's what your Zoom page should look like.
So mine says Renee Rizzo.
So if you go to Facebook, you can find Renee Rizzo
and you can send me a direct message.
So ladies and gentlemen, if you,
and so this is true for the men too.
If you want women to drop you a hanky in the chat box,
then you need to have your name represent the way.
If you have the state after your name also is helpful
because sometimes there's more than one Joe Smith.
And so if I know that Joe Smith lives in California,
I've got a chance that I'm gonna message the right person.
Also make sure your profile photo
on Facebook looks like you.
So whether you want somebody to find you
on Instagram or Facebook,
make sure your profile photo looks like you
and make sure your handle matches the handle.
Okay.
So if we all start doing that,
that's gonna make it easier.
So for people like Nitin who wants to find you
to actually find you.
It is a really good question.
Somebody asked if Brian moved to me.
So we were three and a half hours away.
You guys, I will say this.
I really thought I was gonna have to be the one
to move to him because he was the one that had a job.
I was in college, really kind of only working part-time
but he had already been looking for a job before he met me.
He'd actually just been offered a Dean position in Virginia.
Thankfully he did not take that
because I would have not swiped on Virginia.
I'm not gonna lie.
I wouldn't have done it.
And so he just started honing in more on schools
in Kentucky, Tennessee, I'm in Nashville and Georgia.
And I was like, all right, Lord,
if we're meant to be together,
then he's gonna get a new position
in a similar distance or smaller.
Or if he's out in Nebraska,
then maybe we weren't meant to be together.
And this is how God accelerated our relationship.
I would say within seven weeks of us dating,
he had only been here three times.
He got the job in Nashville and he was here within two weeks
and so that accelerated our relationship for sure.
If we were still dating long distance,
I doubt we would be getting married this soon.
It's only because he was able to move here
and we were able to spend like every single day together
and God just continued to do that.
And that's what Jackie talks about.
Like she wants you to pace yourself when you're dating.
So in those, remember in those first eight weeks,
we built a friendship, we didn't say I love you.
And then all of a sudden he gets this job here
and then God just accelerated everything.
But like every person I met was like,
oh my gosh, you two are perfect for each other.
He got the job, he found a place to live.
His daughter's like best friend from college
lives in Franklin, 10 minutes away from me.
One of his family members lives 10 minutes away
from my mother.
So like God just started making it all happen
and that's what accelerated it.
We didn't accelerate it, God accelerated it,
but we've built a very safe friendship first.
Okay, what is the appropriate rate change to be?
I don't know.
Does anyone know how speed dating works?
If you have to list questions waiting.
Speed dating you guys,
I mean, there's all different speed dating.
I love the idea of speed dating.
I'd be all over the speed dating idea.
Every speed dating thing does it differently.
Sometimes you just show up
and you should have your questions
ready to go to start asking.
How long in the dating should we expect the guy to propose
or reveals intentions?
Well, golly, I would say it's hard to give a one answer
on a guy proposing.
I would say that the phrase that Jackie uses
is he courting you and is the relationship progressing
and moving forward?
That's what you're looking for.
Is my relationship progressing and moving forward?
You know, we talked about getting married in May,
but we didn't get engaged for another three months.
And so I would just say you wanna be looking
for that relationship to be growing.
If you're starting to feel like it's stagnating
or slowing down, that's a good indication
that something is wrong.
Video calls, to do a video call,
I do not give out my phone number.
I usually use Zoom for a video call.
If it's somebody in this community
and they already know my last name,
I will do Facebook Messenger video.
Okay, let's see.
Have you, I've never thought to ask,
have you dated non-believers?
I think that's a great question.
I don't, Steph, I don't know.
And of course, allow for explanation.
I will say, you guys, I don't feel like
that's a good question in the texting stage.
Have you dated non-believers?
I don't think that's a good question.
I don't know that, I think a lot of people will date people.
And no offense, but how do you define non-believer?
Like, depending on your denomination,
you and he might define that differently.
Like, you know, if I grew up,
when I grew up in the Catholic Church, you guys,
I was a believer and everybody was a believer.
I didn't know people, like, I didn't grow up in a system
where there was this like moment
where I went down to the altar
and declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
And so, depending on how you define non-believer,
and how people were raised in the church.
I don't even think they might go.
Well, of course she was a believer or he was a believer.
They they checked off the Christian box.
Like so I get the intention around that question, I just again, you guys,
when it comes to faith questions like Brian would tell you that I like,
I thought I had the perfect faith question.
If you notice, I didn't give it tonight.
I used to say, tell me, how does faith show up in your life?
I thought that was a really great way to ask.
And he is was his answer.
I don't even know what his answer was the first time.
Apparently, I asked it on the first video call.
And apparently in our first day, I didn't like the answer on the first call.
And I asked it again.
And he literally said, well, Renee, since you're asking me this question
for the second time, apparently I didn't answer it correctly the first time.
And he really didn't know what to do with that question.
And like, you know, he has a strong faith.
Some days I feel like his faith is stronger than me.
But that that question just flummoxed him.
He didn't know what to do with it.
So we have to be careful about the faith questions.
And I know why we do it.
We want to weed out nonbelievers.
But you guys trust that the Lord's going to show you.
I believe that their faith is way more apparent by how they behave.
And this is for men and women than what they say about their faith,
because I don't know about y'all, but I've dated plenty of people
who were elders, deacons on the team, in church, in Bible studies.
And they were narcissists.
They were douches.
They were abusive.
And so just because he's got all the right faith answers
does not mean he is walking or she is walking with the Lord.
So I would just say, ask a couple of faith questions and then just watch.
Watch their faith.
Watch how it plays out.
Again, I don't know who they dated.
I don't care how they dated.
I want to know how they're going to treat me in this dating relationship.
OK, anybody else got a question?
I'm trying to fly through, but there's just so much in here.
I'm hoping you guys please tell me some of this is like
I'm with y'all and y'all feel good about it.
Right. Like I got some nods and people look a little sleepy and tired.
It's OK. I get it. It's hot.
OK, anybody else?
Let's see. Anybody else have any questions?
OK, we're feeling good.
I just I wanted to like comment on the things I was seeing
continually on our Facebook feed, which is a lot of people
still dating and trying to like dice.
I will say this to you, too.
You guys not once in nine months dating Brian.
If I had to read a text message and go like,
I wonder what he was thinking.
Oh, my gosh. What did he mean?
Oh, my gosh. I have no idea.
Not once, not once.
If he or she is your person, they are not confusing.
They are clear.
You know where they stand all the time,
even if they have to move slow.
That's not to mean that they have to move fast.
But I promise you healthy people to date healthy dating people
like like I don't text.
Oh, yeah, I'm not.
Well, Steph, I mean, you feel free to come on and chat with me more.
I want to I don't know if I answer what you were trying to get at either.
But oh, sure.
I was just you were I was typing that in real time
when you were talking about how Brian that's his name, right?
Yeah. Brian had previously dated women who were nonbelievers.
And I like you have taught.
I don't do a lot of texting.
You know, I love your way of saying, look, I'm done texting.
But I don't do a lot of that either.
And so when when I was typing that, I was thinking of, oh,
that's a great question to ask later, like level two or even level three.
Yeah, perfect. OK, perfect. Yeah.
And because here's what it does.
It kind of teaches you a like and how did that work for you?
Like and also like how did that work for you?
And I will say this.
Let's see.
Let's see. OK.
Yeah. By the way, Nitsen, you are correct.
You guys like I have to forget, like in Facebook Messenger,
when somebody messages you and they're not a Facebook friend with yours,
you have to go to that message request section,
which is a kind of different section.
And I have found messages from like six, seven months ago.
I'm like, oh, and I felt so bad.
I mean, ladies, I will say this, you guys, if men and men,
this is true for you, too.
If somebody in this community, I don't want to I can't speak for everybody else.
But if somebody in last year's single private messages,
you at least have the courtesy to respond and say that you're not interested.
Please don't just ghost them and leave them hanging.
The very least that we can do in this community with one another is be kind.
Right. And just say, hey, I really appreciate you reaching out to me.
I don't really want to pursue anything right now, but I really appreciate it.
Like there's I mean, does it hurt a little bit?
Yes. Does it sting a little bit? Yes.
But, you know, we all know that it's like it feels worse to just not know.
I'm OK. All right, Crystal, what you got?
Well, I'm going to piggyback on on this question, because I feel unclear
and I would I would love clarification.
Yes. You know, what if I could if I wanted to message someone in the community?
And I.
from what I understand, I've been here almost a year,
is that I feel that I would never do that
because I feel like everything is supposed to go
through admin somehow or through the,
the when, you know, when the spotlights, you know,
you're supposed to email a certain, you know,
you email your pictures and everything like that.
So I kind of piggyback on that because I feel,
you know, I felt like we're not supposed to do that.
I will say this, when it's the single spotlight,
I think the preference is for there to be a filter
probably because when it's a spotlight,
somebody could get bombarded with like a hundred messages.
That's really different than me kind of going,
oh gosh, Cheryl Nelson, man, she's kind of cute.
Like, I want to get to know Cheryl.
And so like, I'm going to just privately message her
and check in on her and she, and you know,
Cheryl's amazing, but in a given night,
she might not get bombarded by a hundred people.
So I think it really, so that was a great question.
And I think it largely has to do with volume
and just trying to manage that volume.
But I will say this, you guys,
if you private message somebody and they don't respond,
don't like become a stalker and keep after them.
And if they didn't bother to message you back,
then shame on them.
And let's see, if you haven't dated much,
how do you answer that for men who might be concerned
you've never been in a relationship, like for level one?
Okay, that was probably close to when I was talking about,
why are you still single?
Or how come you've never been married?
Here's what I used to date,
because this was a question I got.
Renee, what was your longest relationship?
Y'all, that answer's not really good.
Like, I'm a, like I'm either,
we're going to get married or I'm out of here.
So I'm a, like, I've never dated anybody longer
than two years, a year and a half.
And I mean, because like within a year and a half,
if we're not getting married, then we're not going anywhere.
And so I would just, I would break up with them
or they would break up with me.
And so usually what I would try to say,
so this isn't, so I could have been upset
that Brian had been married twice.
You guys, that was like my biggest deal breaker.
I never wanted to be with somebody
who'd been divorced twice, ever.
But he could equally say,
so what was your longest relationship, Renee?
And I'm like, eh, two years.
He's like, yeah, I at least have proven
that I can stay married.
And I'm like, fair.
So the answer I would say to that is, you know what?
I actually haven't had a lot of long dating relationships,
but let me show you where I have shown commitment.
I've had these two friends since I was in high school.
I've been a part of this church community
for the last 10 years.
I stayed at this job for seven years,
even when things got tough.
So I actually do have history of being solid
in a relationship when it's a good and healthy relationship.
So that's how you can answer that question
when it doesn't match your date.
Now, if you have flitted around in every area of your life
and church and your job,
then maybe somebody might be afraid
that you wouldn't wanna jump in.
Kim, you're up.
Yes.
So what about politics?
I know Jackie has brought this up
and you guys have brought it up,
but I'm talking to a guy,
everything is just great about him,
but we're on different parties
and he'd made a comment about what he believed in
and ooh, I don't know.
I don't wanna make a judgment just yet.
Yeah, I mean, I will say that's a great question, Kim,
and I will say this,
it really depends on how passionate
you both feel about the politics.
So I come from a very conservative background,
but I'm very fiscally conservative,
but I'm probably more socially liberal
than most of my conservative friends.
So that kind of gets me somewhere stuck
on the parties right now.
And so I have tended to lean towards men
who weren't so politically charged
and they were more open.
And so one of the things I actually liked about Brian
is that he's like,
eh, this is kind of how I felt after the last election,
this is what I did.
I kind of see this and I kind of,
so he sounded as caught in the middle as I did.
And we both weren't passionate enough about it
that I thought even if we voted differently
at any given election,
that we could both honor that space.
If I saw somebody was a diehard Trump person
or a diehard liberal,
that person was probably not gonna wanna be matched with me
because we were probably gonna be at odds
on some really core issues for me.
So that's what I tended to do.
So Kim, I don't know how tightly you are around politics
and or the person you're dating.
So I would say if you're both tightly convinced
about a party, then if it's not the same one,
it's gonna be a problem.
If you're both a little loosey goose on it,
then it's probably not gonna be a problem.
Does that help?
Yeah, it does.
We're both loosey goose, so.
Then I would say let it ride for now.
Okay.
Thank you, Cheryl.
Hey, Renee, I was first of all I'm super excited for you, congratulations.
And I also wanted to ask if you could expand on your comment about how you always felt like it was clear or you weren't confused. And if you're confused that's not a good thing.
So could you share a little bit more about that. Yeah, so he brought it so one inch actually Jackie just posted about this on Instagram, because she was saying like an avoided personality, they would, they will fluctuate from being really super attentive,
very flirty, and then they would pull back the next day, and all of a sudden they would need some time and they weren't available. And so they were there was like this push pull.
It's like one minute they seem really into you, then the next minute they're not really into you. And so, well, when I, when I, and I'm so glad you asked that so that where it's like the behavior is being inconsistent, and it's not being consistent
so you're like, well, wait a second. Last week I thought that person really liked me they were calling me three times a day they were texting me, and now I'm getting these kind of sporadic texts and I don't know what to, I don't know what to make of this.
That's what I would call confusion and you're probably not crazy. Usually, if especially women are intuitions really kind of interesting and I know sometimes our intuition but when it's trauma based and there's harm, we can become cynical, but I would say,
usually the facts kind of speak for themselves and I'm a big fan of truth is always on the side of time, truth is on the side of time. And so if you're ever not sure about if someone's liking you enough, then watch, pay attention over time, you will start to see it like everybody can have a bad day.
So I'm not saying that you don't talk like a guy doesn't talk to you for a day or he got some big, he lost a big promotion at work he's allowed to have a moody day she's allowed to have a moody day so I'm not saying that, but I'm saying if in general, over time you feel like you're going forward then it's going back and he seems so into you now you're not sure if he even likes you.
Do you know I'm saying like that has a lot more confusion. And so there were, and I will say Brian was literally the first person I don't think I've ever dated, it just progressed a little bit more every day.
There were maybe one or two moments I had my old trigger panic hit and I'm like, and I had some faithful friends in this community that are like, all right, Renee.
What's true, like, what's true going on right here. I know you're feeling all that but what's, what's the true story behind that and so I kind of let it ride for a day and then it kind of leveled out so that's a little different than their behavior flip flopping some classy.
Does that answer the question.
Yeah, thank you so much. That's really helpful. You bet. I appreciate that.
You guys, somebody.
Leslie you brought up a really good point about dating.
And somebody else put this in their post.
You will make time for the right things in your life right Jackie always says that like Brian was working three jobs, when he met me, and he's, I was like dude how are you can even find time to date me.
He's like I'm gonna have to be intentional. I mean and I'm working. I'm like working like I don't know three jobs like I'm working this stuff I'm doing some chaplain work, I'm going to school.
And so like I don't have a lot of disposable time either but I have committed that I'm willing to give a certain amount of time to dating and build this relationship because I've actually heard people say I don't have time to date but I really want to be married.
You can't do that, because marriage takes time and so if you don't have time to invest today, you don't have time to invest in the marriage. Now not everybody needs a lot of time like, you know, quantity time is not my love language, I don't need a lot of time.
So like when Brian goes on a business trip for three days I'm like, like, I'm good I got three days back like y'all I'm like, I've been single my whole life so he's way more prepared to be married than me I'm a little traumatized about the 24 seven aspect.
Like, I'm like, Okay, can we just agree that I don't have to pee in front of you I've been doing alone for this long. I don't need to start learning how to do it.
And he just kind of laughed at that. But, so, as a single parent whatever your thing is that strapping your time. Just give the time you have the person who is right for you will accept that amount of time until you can grow that time.
So Brian knew I didn't have a lot of time to give me but he was willing to use the time, I was able to. So if you're a single mom or you're working two jobs.
Know what your limits are, and just be really honest about that up front like hey you know what I've got two kids. I'm only gonna ever be able to see you every other Saturday night, and on Wednesdays.
And if that's not a good enough schedule.
for you. I totally respect that. And I need somebody who can honor that. All right. I'm
going to take the last two people and then I'm going to wind us down. Ana.
Hi. I have a question. I'm struggling a lot. Just in general, like a lot of, I feel like
everything in my life is going sideways right now. And I'm debating if I need to take a step
back or if this is the time that I should be leaning in. And I'm wondering what your advice
is on that. I would say lean in with the capacity that you have to give. So in January, I did not
have, I had quit one gig and I had like no job. And I was like, oh my gosh, I don't feel good
about myself. Like I was just in a season where I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't think I have anything
to give. So I was like, all right, well, I don't want to just give up dating altogether. So what
can I make time for? What am I willing to put in for? And that's all I put in. Like that's the
amount of time I was willing to put in. And so I would just say, pray about it. Pray what kind
of capacity you do have to give. If you're like Renee, I got no capacity. Like there's nothing
left in the tank. Like every place I show up, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, I'm anxious,
I'm fearful. Then I would say, take an undetermined amount of time and get recharged.
And even if you just saying that, like you're like, I'm just going to take this weekend and
take care of me. I'm going to get some stuff going again. You might find that just giving yourself
permission to do that is enough. And you don't have to say like, all right, I'm going to not
date for the next six months. Don't, don't do that to yourself. You can just say, I'm not going to
today. I'm not going to date this week. Like this week, let me look at my calendar for the week.
I don't have time to get online this week. I'm not going to do it. I don't have time to go to
a meetup group this week. I'm not going to do it. And give yourself the grace that it's okay.
Like, I think sometimes we think we have to put ourselves in a timeout for like this really long
period of time. And we have to announce that timeout to everybody. You don't have to announce
it. Like, and you can decide every day and you can change your mind. Like, you know, I'm actually
feeling really good today. So I would say be willing to be open. But if you're finding that
on dates, like you're falling asleep on dates and you're about to cry on dates, maybe not book the
dates. You know what I'm saying? So I would start to lean into your body and see, but on a, if you
are not putting dating in your path, I'm hoping and praying that you put something in your schedule
that gives you peace, that gives you joy, that makes you smile. I don't care what it is. I don't
know. Oh my gosh. Simon Sinek just did a TED talk about eight minutes. Like there's something like
we only need eight minutes of somebody's undivided attention to feel better.
Eight minutes. And so her and I kind of came to this agreement that if either one of us texted
each other eight minutes, we were about to fall apart and we needed undivided attention for eight
minutes. And so that's what I would say to you is make sure that at least eight minutes a day,
you're getting joy back in your soul, whatever that is. Okay. Yeah. I think I'm, I'm struggling
a bit with I've been having a hard time with the apps. And so I've been trying to do a lot of in
person things like speed dating, you know, walking key events, like other like singles group type
things. And just the past couple of times, it's been really disappointing. And just, it seems like
my age has been coming up a lot as a deterrent. How old are you? Just turned 44. Okay. Well,
you don't look 44. I know. I know. And you know what? So here's what, here's the advice I gave
somebody that I was privately coaching. I said, you know what, for the next 60 days, I only want
you to book things that give you joy. That you know, we're going to give you joy for the next 60
days. Just pick joy things, whether it's go to the zoo, whether it's go to a dance class, a paint
class, go hike. Like I want you finding. And so I would say that to you, like take the next 30 days
and find your joy again. Only say yes to activities that are a hell yes. Okay. I don't care what they
are. I don't care if you don't meet anybody because you need to bring joy back in your soul.
Okay. Awesome. Thank you. You bet, sweetie. All right. Was there any last one before I close
in prayer? I hope y'all felt like you got something out of tonight. Let's see. Yes,
I am doing one-on-one counseling. You guys, I'm on the, I'm on the coaching page. Yes.
Coach with me so I can get rid of my chaplain gig. No, I love being a chaplain. It's just,
it's a lot of traveling. Yeah. I'm so excited. You guys, I'm excited to be.
Back here because I definitely feel like on the other side, you know, how Jackie always says hurt in relationship healed in relationship
It's so true. Like my perspective is really shifted in the last year. Um, and
And you know how she always says to that
sometimes the person you end up with is nothing like the person he thought you would end up with and
It's really funny
I thought that meant that we would end up with somebody who doesn't look like what we thought it would look like or he doesn't
Of the career that we thought Brian actually looks exactly like the person I would have dated and he actually has a career that I
would have picked but um
My love for him looks very different than I thought it was gonna look like it's not platonic love. I
Do love him and I am very excited to consummate the marriage
however
It's a different kind of attraction. That's the only thing I can tell you is like he is my best friend
He is my fuzzy slippers. And so that's what's different
Like I thought I would feel like, you know that that chemistry that like rally or I gotta have you right now kind of chemistry
Thing like it's not like that
That's what's not like what I thought it would be but it is so much better in a completely different way
So when Jackie says to you it might not look like how you think it looks like it doesn't mean that here that you are
Gonna have to marry the person you're not at physically attracted to God's not gonna do that to you
He's not gonna make you make you like somebody that's not gonna do that to you
he's gonna give you somebody you're like, oh my gosh, I get to choose this and
We are Brian and I are making each other better every single day
And if you're coming to the five-year anniversary party in October six days after we get married y'all
We will be in Austin with the team
Celebrating at the five-year anniversary because we're not doing our honeymoon until I'm on my winter breaks
I was like if we do our honeymoon in October y'all I'm bringing school books with me
I'm pretty sure you don't want that to happen. So he's like, yeah, let's postpone that
So I will be looking forward to that. All right, I'm gonna pray us out cuz I don't want to go past 90 minutes father
God, I just thank you so much for being with every single person here
I know I speed a lot of information father God the stuff that was supposed to land in people's hearts. Let it land
Stuff that was just too much or not good for them because not all my advice is good for everybody father
God just have it go away from their brain and have them forget it father
God in any area of dating or life that each person has them. I want you to speak to them right now
I want you to remind them and show them how much they're loved and valued and affirmed
Just because you created them and you say who they are
We don't say who they are and the dates don't say who they are
so father God, let us go to sleep tonight with a review with a renewed sense of
identity that we are sons and daughters of the king that we are chosen that we are adopted into an air like we are
Heirs to the kingdom and that whoever God brings to us is just icing on the cake
And so father give us peace in that in this as we patiently wait father
God even knowing that sometimes it can get frustrating and we are thankful for Jackie and David as for a special blessing on them right now
That you bless them abundantly for holding this sacred space that y'all is so unique
and we are so thankful for this sacred space that we get to do our single season with and we just lift all of this
Up in the mighty and precious name of Jesus. Amen