I guess I gotta take my one-legged earring out, oh I really wanted to wear it.
Hey Anita, Jocelyn, Sarah, Nadine, let me put this on the other view, all right here
we go.
Hey Heather, Nikki, so good to see you, Heaven, and Tonya, and Stephanie, and Felicia, hello
ladies.
Is that everybody for now, yeah that's everybody for now, this seems like, now I could be wrong,
but Jocelyn, Sarah, Tonya, Nadine, is this y'all's first time?
I've been a couple times, but sporadically I haven't spoken up and I don't think you've
seen my face.
Oh okay, what about you Sarah, in Austin, whoop whoop, I'm in Austin too.
So I've come once before and I've been doing this phase of the program for a few weeks,
I just haven't been coming to the meetings.
Okay, okay, and then you Kathleen, Drake, is this your first time?
Yes, my first time, I was renaming myself as to where I'm from, yes.
Okay, and you're, is this your, did you just come over to this phase?
I just did as of last Thursday or something, yes.
Oh, welcome, welcome, welcome ladies, so happy to have you in this phase.
I'm Ebony, I live in Austin, I am a third grade teacher, and what else, I was in this
program, I like to see all the ladies coming up getting so excited, I'm seeing Sharai jumping
here, Martina, and Lauren, and Lydia, and Patty's in the house, I did this, I was in
the program as one, as a student, probably about, I think the years keep moving up, but
I think it's about three years, maybe three and a half years, possibly four, I'm not sure,
and phase two still stands to be one of my most favorite phases that I was in.
Now, of course, it was probably called a little different then, and Jackie was my coach at
the time, but it was, dating changed my life, and it made me very powerful, and it increased
my capacity to be a lot of who I am right now.
This entire program helped to grow me in ways, when I came in, I didn't know what I was getting,
and so I'm excited to have you, I'm excited to do this phase with you, it is so wonderful
to be able to partner with the Lord's daughters in the earth, to see his kingdom come and
his will be done in your life.
And so with that, I'm going to pray, Father God, I thank you for this opportunity that
we get to partner with heaven, to see a revival of kingdom marriages, people that you put
together to do your bidding in the earth, to tear down the camp of the enemy.
We thank you, Lord God, for spiritual DNA aligning, Lord God, where we will be with
the person that you have designed and chosen, that we will both serve each other best.
And so I thank you tonight, Lord God, for wisdom and solution, for whatever we have,
you are the knower of all of our hearts, and you know what we need, no matter what the
words out of our mouth speak, help us get to the root of the issue.
In Jesus name, amen.
Amen.
And so, just know that phase two is not all about dating, it is about dating, but it's
also all about you, and this is the opportunity you, in this phase, you get to work out the
work that you did in phase one.
And so the hard work doesn't stop, because now you're going to get the triggers, you're
going to get the rub.
That's what dating do for you.
Dating men does this for you.
And so a lot of times it's like, well, why I have to date, because baby can't nobody
trigger you like a man can trigger you.
Your mama can't do it, your child can't do it, your cousin can't do it, and your job
can't do it.
And the reason why a lot of times we're so hesitant to do it is because we know, what
if I get rejected?
You probably will.
What if I get hurt?
You'll get over it.
It's going to happen.
What if I get ghosted?
You probably will get ghosted, right?
You are God defended.
That's one reason why Jackie tells us that you really are God defended, and there's absolutely
nothing that could go wrong if you operate within the confines of the beautiful boundaries
that have been set in place, because these boundaries help to guard your heart so that
when the steam comes, it won't steam so bad.
When the ghosting comes, it won't last too long.
You'll find yourself being bad.
It usually will take you a month to bounce back, you'll bounce back in four weeks, then
three weeks, then two weeks, then one week.
operated in the confines of the things that keep your heart safe and the things that have
been put in place in this program is masterfully done to keep your heart safe and whole and intact
to help you grow without unnecessary pains and every pain that you get to have is a pain that
helps you grow and so that's why it's not without pain because nothing causes us to grow like pain
it cannot help you grow or become bitter and you get to choose and so ladies let's not forget
because some of us that are new I do want to make this disclaimer let's be sure not to post
things from outside ministries or outside organizations when it comes to posting things
that you know you want to get clear with admin before you post and that's for the safety of
everyone's heart maybe if you post a different type of teaching that may speak to you but it
and so we like to clear all of that up before it hits the platform because once people read it and
once they see it we can't take back what they've seen or heard or how they feel about it but when
it comes from Jackie is the program that they signed up for and so they decided to be a part
because I didn't move quick enough great so if all is well do you any of our newcomers have any
questions you want to watch one video a week if you can take notes they're going to be a lot of
ahas in it so good all the time and then you don't have to have watched a video before you come to
this session that's not what it's about this session is for you and wherever you are and
like you know you guys you'll only be in this phase for such a short time and then you'll
move to phase three and then you continue your process and so do y'all have any questions for me
yes are you dating or engaged or what's up girl what's up let us know is that Helen speaking to
me I am dating I am not engaged I am just I guess I could say sadly but happily um just ended like a
six months it was like five and a half months a very marriage-minded relationship
I ended that it broke my heart but it worked well for me um um I pray for his wife all the time he's
an amazing man of God um and then yeah and then two weeks ago like just three days ago I had to
break it off with this guy that it was been a long time since I really liked the person
and I really liked him um I thought it was promising um but um he wanted to be married
in the next five years and uh that don't work for me and I want to be married within a year
right or whenever I meet like there there is I and I realized that that was fine and dandy for him but
I don't I don't I don't partner with delay so may I ask why you ended the marriage-minded
relationship the first one and then got with a not really marriage-minded guy I'm sorry
we had only been talking for two weeks this guy that I just ended with so let's say that and so
it wasn't time to talk about his goals and he was marriage-minded he just not marriage-minded in the
same time frame as me and granted he was younger which I didn't want to deal with him but he's 36
and I'm 42 and so that makes a difference sometimes when you're that young you feel
like you have a lot of more uh you know a lot of more options or living to do and the guy that I
was with though he was for five and a half months he was mature he was marriage-minded he was
masculine but I over the process of time I came to believe that he wasn't to the level of maturity
that I needed for my spiritual destiny and DNA and he lacked the ability to champion me and it
was very important to me that the person who leads me has the ability to champion me he was more bent
toward pleasing because he learned to love through pleasing that's how his mom taught him love and I
was okay with that he was in counseling for it I said however I am also bent toward control not tell
you what to do but to put the pieces in place to keep me safe and controllers and pleasers draw to
each other but they don't work always well together if you're not getting help and because
I've been married before I understood what the dynamic would have been like and I wasn't willing
to tear him apart and have to deal with three years worth of me redoing what I did when we
first said I do and so I processed through some things very well both of us had counselors we
were very strategic we set it up when we dated but these are some of the ideas I
had, we always dated, he got mentors from his church.
They were kingdom marriage people.
I had mentors from my church,
and so when we would go out,
they would go with us and kind of mentor us
and talk with us.
And so we had a lot of time.
I didn't go exclusive until 90 days.
And so I had so much time to evaluate things
and see things and take it at a pace
where we could catch as much as we could.
You're gonna, even in marriage,
you're gonna marry somebody
that has to have the ability to cultivate you.
It does not mean anything's gonna be perfect.
I understood that, but cultivation has to happen,
but people have to have capacity to cultivate.
And so we were, he is marriage minded.
He's ready to get married.
He's an awesome man of God.
But when we can't boil down to it,
when you start separating where I'm headed in kingdom,
where his ability, his capacity was at the time
and who I am, they weren't as part.
And so when I felt the Lord calling me
to make the decision, I told the Lord, no, I cried.
I said, just turn my heart toward him.
I'll just do it.
You just do it in me.
It was the craziest prayer I ever prayed,
but I didn't wanna, we had worked so hard.
We had worked so hard.
It really broke my heart to say it.
So when I said it to him, I was in tears.
And I said, and it was the Lord who,
I learned so much with him.
He treated me so good.
My Lord, that man was good to me.
And one of my, and I'ma hurry up so y'all can talk.
One of my, I remember when I first met him
and like a week later, he was like,
you know, Ebony, I really want, you're so beautiful.
I really want to kiss you.
And I said, I understand that you wanted to kiss me
because a man shows his affection by kissing.
The first thing he wants to do is kiss this pretty woman.
And I said, I understand.
I said, but I want to share some with you.
And I said, this is premature,
but because you brought this up, I'm gonna share it.
I said, I'm not kissing someone until I say I do.
And I said, so maybe that's something you want to process.
And that is my rule because of my past,
because of I know how, if I start this now,
we're how much more space we got left.
I'm 42 years old.
I've been married before.
Like I can't, I can't get a ball rolling
that I can't keep up with and I know me.
And so he said, well, he was taken back.
He just got quiet.
And he said, well, can we negotiate?
Like, is there some wiggle room?
I said, well, we can only talk about negotiation
when we go exclusive,
which will probably be a while from now.
And I said, at that point,
I will measure how well you've honored my boundaries
to that place.
And I'll see what we could work out.
Maybe if there's another option,
maybe like kiss on the cheek or kiss on the forehead,
but I wouldn't know that until I could determine
how well you honor boundaries.
And he got quiet.
He said, I see.
He said, well, you're worth it.
If that's what it is, you're worth it.
And that's what he said to me.
And every time I ever, it's like, he's never,
he was never pushing.
He always look at me.
He just said, Ebony, you're worth it.
Whatever it is, God has blessed me
with a righteous, pretty woman.
And you could pray.
He said, you can't get no better deal than this.
And he was just like telling me this all the time.
And so when he looked at me,
no man has ever looked at me and said,
Ebony, you're worth it.
Whatever you cost, you're worth it.
And he meant it.
He wasn't lying.
He treated me that same way all five months.
He ain't never touched me in approach and said,
oh, I got away with myself.
He didn't do any of those things.
He really came to restore the right order in me.
And he treated me like no man has ever treated me.
I didn't have to think.
I didn't have to plan nothing.
And I'm not saying that every man is going to be,
but that's who he was.
If I said one thing,
next thing I know he's coming back with a plan.
If he said we were going to talk about something,
he gave me the date and the time.
And sure enough, I never had to ask the question.
He was like about that conversation we had.
And so I may ask him some and I said,
do you need a few days, 24 hours?
He's like, hey, give me a day or so to work through that.
And I followed back up with you.
He always did what he said.
And so that's why I pray for him a wife.
Because I know what heaven has put in that young man.
Like I pray for him.
I know he's going to make some woman so happy.
He's going to honor her so well.
And so that's why it was so challenging for me to say,
bye-bye.
That's so hard, Lord, it was so hard.
I thought my world were crumbling.
But I'm going to tell you what made it easier
that we had never crossed any physical boundaries.
Now we held hands.
Because one, he had an issue with his sight.
And so because of that, we had to hold hands quicker
because I would need to help him.
But other than that, we held hands, and we didn't hold hands until probably a while.
I am just very ... Listen, I done had all the relationship mess ups. I done did stuff so wrong.
When Jackie was saying, nobody's supposed to be at your house, baby, I meet somebody,
tell them to come over to my house. I have paid a high cost for where I am.
God has so graciously blessed me with wisdom and to have access to wisdom.
The wisdom is true. What is right, Jackie, is right. I am telling you,
I'm not trying to convince you, but I'm telling you the truth. I've done it the wrong way.
I've let my feelings and the emotions, that chemistry you get in the first two weeks,
that you just can't get enough of this man, and you want to talk on the phone all the time,
and it's just so, so good, and it seems like the world is perfect.
If you make decisions in that stage, it costs. I know. I've done it so many times.
I could lose count, seriously. Not that many times, but I've done it enough.
I don't know. I forgot what question was asked, but that's that.
I actually woke up yesterday morning for my prayer time, and the words that came out of my
mouth was, Lord, have you not found one suitable for me in the earth yet?
I understand the heart and the desire for the promise, for what you innately feel,
even if God didn't speak a word to you. He didn't have to speak a word to you. He built you
to partner in this way. It's a real thing,
and I get it. How did he take it?
It was hard. Let me see. Who am I talking to?
Me. Stephanie.
It was very hard, and so because of that, we processed through it for a whole week
before we stopped talking. I told him, I'm going to tell you this now. He's an introverted,
internal processor. I said, I'm going to tell you this, and let's set a time to follow up tomorrow.
Then he got on the phone, but it was just in pieces.
The next day led to the next day, and because I honor him as a man of God, as my brother in Christ,
I wouldn't dare just drop him like whatever. I knew what the Lord had showed me.
I knew, and within a moment, the attraction left. There was the Lord. In a moment, I looked at him.
The person I had already planned stuff with, I looked at him, and I did not like him,
not because some he did. I wasn't attracted to him. I was like, did I have blinders on?
But the Lord needed my attention, and that's what drew my eyes to the Lord. I was like,
what's going on? Then he began to show me things that I'm really attracted to is leadership,
and the people having the capacity for what's on my life, because whoever I come under
is either going to help build me or cap me. If you step out and go around it, you're out of order,
and it's not going to work well for you. Because you can't be saying, I'm doing this in God,
and you over your husband. You're going to go over him. No, that man has to have capacity for you.
It's not that he didn't have capacity because he wasn't obedient to God, but the capacity for what's
on my life, he did not house. It took the Lord turning me to God, and I'm like, God, what's
happening? A level of leadership that was there that I admired, that I was attracted to, it wasn't
there in its fullness. He needs more time to grow and maturate. Now, there's a woman on his level for
him, but I didn't know that until God opened my eyes to it. Anyway, he took it very hard because
he felt like we've done everything right. I've done everything that the Lord has asked of me,
and how could this happen? We processed through it for about a week, and then after that,
we didn't talk again for the next 30 days because you need a clean, smooth break.
Then I checked in on him for just a few minutes. How are you doing? I'm thinking about you.
I want you to know that I'm praying for you. We didn't talk again after that for another 30 days,
so I could tell when I talked to him that that affection, it broke it. It's not there. Plus,
I was praying for him. I was praying for the process. I could tell when I checked on him
for 30 days, he was still mad at me. He didn't say it, but I could feel like,
get off of my phone now. I could tell he was working through it. Yes, Stephanie,
what's your other question?
So, okay, because just in case any one of us should go through this, did you come and see
counselor from your leaders, like, you know, like, because you guys will say, come in and check in,
you know, like, if you're, you know, going through this, how would we do that? You know, because,
you know, because the way you talk about it, I'm like, why the heck you stop talking to him? You,
you lit up, you like, how you did, I'm like, how did you, you know, because I don't know how I
would do it because I had a heartbreak and I broke, I cried with a guy for nine months. I
felt like I had a, it was a whole baby, you know, in my youngest. I'm like, how, what did you do?
You know, you can help us if we should go through this, how we would manage the tools we need to,
you know, to do it. Do we come to you openly and talk or, you know, how does that work? Did you
go to your leaders in this group? I mean, let's just say. So I get to have Carla as my personal
coach, right? I get to have access to Carla and Bethany. But I also have my own counselor. I've
had a trauma therapist for years. And so she helped me process through this relationship from
the very beginning. I have a sister and a brother-in-law, they're both pastors, but I do
ministry alongside of them, but they're very good with relationships. They were a part of our
And so I told you, we set it up where when we will go out, he picked two
kingdom marriages from his church. I had two kingdom marriages from like my own community.
And so when this was happening, we were communicating with them.
So we got all of this community around us that we're talking to. And I'm sharing with one of
the wives, like, what am I processing? What am I feeling? What is this? And what is that? And
they're like, yeah, this is going to have to come to an end. Like, you're right. I see this.
Yeah, you're right. That's it. And so we had a lot of community. I do things in community. And so
after the 90 days, I presented him to my community. I presented him to like three of my pastors.
I presented to him to my close friends. I presented him so that they can begin their
evaluation process. I presented him to men that I valued and honored. And so I do everything
community. And I learned that because of my first marriage was not in community. I refused to
ever do marriage again without community. And so I am very strategic in that way. And so you should
come to the community and you should share it with us because it helps me have community around you.
I also serve on an inner healing team in my church. I'm one that serves there, but I have
the privilege of getting an appointment whenever I need one. And so I am seeing my therapist. I have
all these community believers around me that are praying that we're sharing things with.
Hold up. Felicia is saying something just took me right out. So yeah, I think you should share
with your community. And I think that we should definitely build community with people who,
who value it on our covenant and who have wisdom. I have a lot of wise people in my life
that when they say something, I submit to it because I've chosen them to put them in that seat.
Like literally I had a friend message me. She was like, I saw when y'all were out and I saw
this thing happen. So when I bring people in to go on dates with us, their job is to evaluate
the way I interact with him, scrutinize it to catch what I cannot catch, scrutinize how I'm
interacting because they know me, they know what I'm bent toward. And because they know my tendencies,
they know how to point out things to me. And so it was just very, very organized in that sense.
Um, I date, you know, and I really do date for kingdom. Like I, I, uh, very, very much so.
And, um, yeah. Felicia, what's your question? Yeah. With Richard, um, kind of, as you share,
it kind of opened up a little bit more of, um, clarity and wisdom. He wants to talk more
to our conversation because like I said, the, the one thing, and it's just because it's over
the phone when we're talking is we haven't met yet again for the second date. And, you know,
he's maybe not clear on yet. Cause he used a lot of wisdom and when he's conversating,
how much he opens up as yet, which is good. That's what we teach. We teach us, right.
Yeah. So he wants to talk to, but now you share that it's okay to process through it, even though
you, you know, you might not be a future through it. And that was what I was saying, you know,
and I'm learning so much more.
to do that and I think it gives me so much peace of mind
to do it the way you just said,
process through it even though, because it's healthy.
It's not abusive, it's not disrespectful.
So he wants to talk through it,
so you gave me the answer tonight by sharing
and what would your advice be on that?
Is to talk to him, he wants to talk to me later
and process through it, so if that's okay.
And like I said, I shared on coming to that,
it just keep bringing up the familiar, my past.
Is it me bringing up my past or is it the reality of him,
his work life?
Yeah, I think that, and I just wanna say this to everyone,
when you're getting to know a person and there's grace
and then there are real things
and you cannot ignore the real things.
Right, so you gotta open up the windows
and let the light in.
There are things that are in you that's happening,
of course, because it's affecting you.
So something is happening in you
when this person does whatever they do
and you need to process through it with community,
probably not with that person all the time
because they can't help you, you don't have direction.
So you're gonna be looking to them to give you direction
or to give you some answer to make you feel better
and that's not gonna happen.
And if it does happen, it's probably,
a lot of times it won't serve you best.
You gotta figure out what's happening in you first
and then when you own your own stuff,
you can show up to a table to have a conversation
with the person.
But if you haven't owned what belongs to you,
you know, I heard someone say today
that women will fall in love by what they hear
and men fall in love by what they see.
And we hear the right thing that make us feel safe
and feel better and calm us.
We'll be like, okay, yeah, yeah.
And sometimes when you're just talking to the man,
it seems like he could have a way
of convincing you of something.
I don't know if you've ever been
in a horrible relationship before or just a regular one
and they're telling you something,
but you know it ain't true,
but somehow you're listening to them and it's like, okay.
Okay, right.
And then later on, you're like, they do it.
It's like, I knew it.
It's like, I knew it, but I listened to you
and you lied to me and you get even more angry,
but that's because you showed up to the table
and you hadn't processed out really what's happening
and you let what they say soothe you or ease you
or lead you.
And then you blame them for you giving them
the responsibility to show you the way.
They don't have a responsibility to show you the way.
You have a responsibility to figure out what's happening
on the inside of you as best you can.
That's why you have community around you
to help you process.
You need community, wise people.
And then when you get you together,
you can show back up to the table
and can stand firm in what is true for you.
Even if you need to take back what they say
and process again,
you can't afford to have someone else
navigating your ship for you.
And then you get mad when you're the shipwreck.
You shouldn't have listened to them anyway.
I'm just saying like people would lead you up the creek
without a paddle.
We have a responsibility to own our own stuff
and deal with our own stuff as best we can
and then show up to the table
with whatever they have that's an issue.
And so Felicia, if his job is an issue, it's just an issue.
And you keep mentioning about his job
and I think that it's an issue.
I don't think you will keep saying this
if it wasn't an issue.
And so what if your past has something to do with it?
Yeah, your past has something to do with it.
In the past, you were in a marriage or a relationship
where a person did not have time for you.
No, you're not gonna do that all over again.
And you've been talking to him long enough
to invest emotions at this point.
And so at this point, to guard you and honor your heart,
would you have a response?
We all have a responsibility to guard our own heart
with all diligence.
That's what the Bible says,
to guard your heart with all diligence.
Why?
Because the heart is the birthplace of things.
The heart would take, if you let it come in,
it's not gonna reject it because it's alive.
The heart don't know that.
You have to guard the heart.
And so once the seed goes into the heart,
whether it's the truth or lie,
it will germinate in your heart and produce for you
deceit, lies, or truth and freedom.
And so if that's not working, Felicia,
it's just not working,
and then you think that if you're sensing
that it's time to release it,
I wanna encourage you to release it.
Listen, ladies, we can't lose.
We are God-defended.
Well, what if I let go of something God wanted?
Well, I've got big enough and loud enough
to tap you on your shoulders and to work it back out.
He had a plan for us when Adam fell, and it was Jesus.
The Bible says that Jesus had been slain
since the foundations of the earth,
over 2,000-plus years.
ago, God had a plan for mankind even before Adam did what he did in the garden. We got a God who
can make a way. You talking about a guy who can build a bridge over troubled water? That's him.
So if this is your spirit mate, the Lord will work these things out, but you can honor who's
in front of you, especially if you've developed something with them and say, hey, it has been
wonderful getting to know you. Right now, I'm unsure. I think that you should part ways with
people as best you can, unless I'm being disrespectful, you've got a blessing block.
But if you develop something with them to honor them and say, hey, I don't know what's off.
It could totally be me, but I need time. And so I want to walk away now.
Right? I'm going to walk away now because this is what serves me best in this season of my life.
And that's just what's best. And people know how to follow up if they have questions.
And that's when you get to see, are they going to say to you, well, hey, look, what's going on?
Because you're worth it. What is it? What can I do? Why are you feeling this way? What's the issue?
And they're not wrong if they don't say it. Some people don't have language. Some people
don't even know how to express their own selves. They don't know how to advocate for themselves.
And that's fine too, because you know how to advocate for yourself. And that's who matters.
Okay. So I got Kathleen.
Thank you, Ebony. Thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome. Oh, I'm sorry, Felicia. I thought you were gone because I didn't see your
face no more.
Listening to wisdom. Thank you so much.
Okay, you're welcome. Did she leave? Okay.
No, I'm soaking it in. It's so rich. Thank you.
You're welcome. Okay. Kathleen. Kathleen or Kathleen?
Kathleen.
Kathleen. Gotcha. Okay.
Yeah. Okay. So I'm new. So you can decide to say, I'm going to answer that later. Or
I don't know what the program is. I'm struggling because I watched the first video.
And you know, you have however many weeks to go on seven dates. What?
I haven't been on a date in three years. Yeah.
Okay. Because I can't get men to talk to me. They don't talk to me.
Like in public. They don't talk to me. I'm on two different apps.
It man it. How? How do you?
Because I see things and I'm like, nope. And then I see that and I'm like, nope.
And then you start a conversation and then they fall off the planet and okay.
Is that, is that like normal?
So you just wave at the camera so she can see how normal that is.
So she won't feel like she in the boat.
And then some of these men, they're like way younger, right? Way younger. And I'm like,
honey, I want to just say, find somebody that'll have your children. Just it's what?
Okay. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just old. I don't know. It's, it's wild out there.
How many scammers? Yes. How old are you?
Old enough. You, you look, you have a baby face.
Oh, God bless you. No, I'm I, I need to learn how to say my.
What, what two apps are you on?
Um, okay. So I was, my girlfriend put me on hinge like
three weeks ago and I was on it for a week and I was so grossed out.
I had to delete it. So now I'm on upward and holy.
Okay. So what grosses you out? Let's start right there. What grosses you out?
Okay. So I'm prophetic. So I see things.
Right. Oh, I responded to you.
You did. You did. And so that's hard. Okay. So I'm trying to be open-minded.
And so that's when I engage and we'll have a conversation and then.
Okay. It's so foreign. Yeah.
So let me just hang in.
Well, let me start somewhere before you hang in.
Cause it's, it's not going to pay you well if you hang in a certain way.
So first.
First, you're only looking for a date with a safe person.
Anybody, they can be.
You, they can't be anybody
because you keep turning them away.
They can't be that.
But you want a safe person to go out on a date on.
You need to really ask Jesus to give you his eyes
because it's as prophetic as I am
and not measuring the gift.
Even your husband is gonna have to have cultivation.
You're gonna have to cultivate him.
Marriage is to make us more holy than it is happy.
And so whatever package it is,
you're gonna have to do some work with that package.
It's gonna grow you, it's gonna extend you,
and it's gonna stretch you past your borders.
Marriage is designed to do that, right?
You're probably gonna be opposite in a lot of ways.
You may be prophetic, he may be a man of the word.
He'd probably be thinking,
ain't nobody got time for that prophetic stuff.
But he's gonna get with you
and God is gonna partner the prophetic with the word
and it's gonna be powerful.
And then God is gonna partner something in him
that you feel like, oh, we got time for that
and make you more powerful.
And so the understanding of dynamics
of how God works things is different from us.
And so we have to set aside whatever thoughts we're having
and stick with a particular set order of wisdom.
Like you gotta operate in wisdom.
So that means when I click on this person
or I give them opportunity, are they a believer?
They not like, I look at what people listen to.
I feel like what you put into your ears
tell me about who you are.
And so I like when they post the music that they listen to
because if they're listening to certain people,
it ain't gotta be gospel or Christian music
or whatever elevation all the time.
But if it's certain type of artists
with certain type of lyrics, it's like, no,
you bet I'm not going out with you
because that's what you listen to.
Some artists really tells you,
if you listen to certain type of artists,
it tells you a lot about a person.
Not just, it's not a secular music.
I like old school music, but it's beyond that, right?
So you gotta say within yourself, they're not my husband.
I'm not looking for them to be my husband
because you, Kathleen, are in phase two of this program.
In the phase two of this program, we date for discovery.
You date to find out about you
because God is writing your love story.
If that leads you, if that's the leading thought,
you will see more grace in display.
And you have to continue,
I just have to continually remind myself,
Jackie would say, just go on a date with you.
And I just be like, oh, how dare, oh my goodness.
And I went on the dates and I kept going on the dates
and I kept learning about Ebony
and I kept seeing me for who I really was
in the areas that had to be stretched
and grown for what heaven had.
And it was true and she was right.
And so you have to think,
so what I used to tell myself is,
they're not your husband, they're just a date.
They're not your husband, Ebony, they're just a date.
Even when I'm clicking, they're not your husband,
they're just a date.
They're not your husband, they're just a date.
It's not your husband, like, oh, I programmed myself.
And it's like, okay, are they close?
Can I get a coffee date with them in a week?
And let's get on this date
because something happens when you go on a date.
You haven't been on a date in three years.
One thing you do know when you go on a date,
if a person not like crazy,
you feel dainty and cute and desired.
And you remember what it feels like to feel that way
or to have that.
And now we're getting you in love story mode
because we need to get you into your dainty,
cuteness, feminine order.
Dates help you get there.
Instead of your, he gotta be this and he gotta be that
because I'm this and the Lord and they gotta be this
and they gotta be that and they gotta be this
and they gotta be that.
If they're not this and they're not that
and na-na-na, I'm not having to do with it.
And that's not heaven's plan.
It's just not, it's not his plan.
It just doesn't work that way.
There are some powerful couples,
people that I admire who were like,
no, we were told the opposite in whatever ways or not.
They were both kingdom believers.
And so that's one thing, Kathleen,
I think if you would just practice that,
it will really help you get a date.
Remember you're on a date.
What do you think about that?
Cause you got this stern look,
so I don't know what you're thinking.
I need subtitles for my face, right?
Yeah, it's okay.
I just asked.
I, I can, I, I think I can do that.
I, I guess because of when I grew up,
it was don't date unless they're marriage material, right?
That's how I was brought up.
programmed. And, um, but I appreciate what you're saying. Um, I'm not Catholic. I don't.
So a lot, a lot of the men are like Church of Christ and Catholic and that. So you're
saying, yeah, just do it and try it. And you don't have, you don't have to know all the
things before you meet in person. That's what I hear you saying.
Yes, it's true. That's what I'm saying. Okay. I'm going to tell you something about feeling
like, you know, so much to make a decision. All you know is what they say. They've not
yet proven. I don't, I'm, I'm on leadership. I've been around leaders. I've been around
my powerful men of God who molest their daughters. I've been around powerful men of God who do
signs and wonders and can teach. And they, they, they have extramarital affairs for years
on their wife. There are a lot of times. So you come in, like, if the man say this,
he say, this is a go now. Yeah. He's a great candidate in words. I wish Mandy was on here
to tell her testimony. She came one night and she was in tears. I don't know if you
ladies remember, but like she was talking to this guy. And this is the first time she
talked to somebody, a believer who was on par with who she was. She's perfect. She's
all these things. And two, and before she got on the call, she had prayed and she could
not believe their connection. And then his wife picks up the phone. She couldn't believe
the things he was saying at the level that he was speaking to her. She's not like, you
know what I'm saying? She's not somebody who believes in anything. And so I'm just saying
people, you have to reserve an opportunity to observe people. You've got people who,
who aren't necessarily up in the church or preaching, but they are kingdom people. They
have strong character. And I'd rather have a solid, strong character than somebody who
could speak in tongues and prophesy. Do they have a teachable heart? Are they willing to
submit and grow? Do they stay the course or do they catch a little fire? Then they burn
out, you know? And so these things you don't know until you get to know a person is so
important not to go in with the mindset. Is this the one? No, he ain't the one. He probably
not. He could be, but he probably not. You're dating for discovery. The Lord wants to extend
your capacity. So whoever you once were, you're going to get upgraded by this man. He's going
to get upgraded by you. He's going to cap your ceiling if he has not done have the capacity
and he could talk the talk, but does he have the capacity? The Lord told me this one time,
I was getting to know this guy and I said, Oh, some, some, some, some, something. And he reminded
me of David when Samuel went to anoint him. And he said, Oh, surely this is the one called
Jezebel. Surely, surely this is the one. Surely this is the one. Sure. This one, the Lord says,
I, the Lord judged the heart of me. You look at the outside, but I judged the heart of me.
This is what I began to pray and ask the Lord. And I do this now, Lord, how have you judged his
heart? How have you judged it? Because it matters how the Lord has judged the heart. Not if the
heart is good or bad, or if the heart is this or that. God knows the inner workings of a man's
heart, his ability to turn his heart, his ability to cause his heart to submit. Only God knows that
we don't. And so we have this list of criteria, what somebody should look like, what they should
be like, how they should be. And now I'm not telling you to go hang out with a bum. I never
said that. I'm not telling you to hang out with somebody who doesn't honor you, who does not have
foundation. You can go on a date with somebody who doesn't meet your foundational criteria.
They're not marriage minded. You know, you ain't going to keep going on a date with them. You just
had a cup of coffee with them, right? And it's not for you to figure out if they have, are they
anything. The best way to know a person is just to get to know them. Because you are God defended,
something's going to happen in the process. You're not going to go on a date with somebody and fall
in love. If you do, God wants to reveal something in your heart. Like you're in a community of wisdom.
You bring it back, you lay it out. You got people looking at it saying, oh, I think something's a
little right about that. And so you're set up for the best possible outcome. I don't want to be on
a little preaching wagon here, but this is very helpful to know. Like you have to get out of your
head, get out of your perfect story and know that in marriage, things are messy. If you're not been
married before, if you have been married before, you know that things are messy in marriage.
And you know that marriage requires a lot of forgiveness and a lot of grace and ain't going
to be no way to get away from that. And your heart is going to be broken by the one you love the most.
So many times they had to be broken because they cheat, but you're just going to be broken.
She's just gonna hurt. Forgiveness ain't forgiveness unless you gotta push your way
through to do it a lot of times. Like that's when it counts that you look at a person and you say,
I still choose you. It's easy to choose when it's good. Right? So, Kevin, I think you should
get out of the head. Lay down your prophetic and pick up dating for discovery. And wisdom is with
you. It won't be without you. And I think that you are beautiful and you should be getting a date.
And you gotta stop getting grossed out by men. They got a job. Are they a believer?
And whatever your other criteria are, can they hold a decent conversation?
Let's go grab a cup of coffee. Grab the cup of coffee before you spend three weeks really
getting to know them. Skip all that. You want a date. The first week, they like peacocks. They
strutting their stuff. Catch them on the first week before you find out they ain't got no sense.
But, you know, stop digging. Feel safe. You have the Lord with you. And go for a cup of coffee in
broad daylight or 10 a.m., 11 a.m. and make it happen. Set your timer for 45 minutes. You're
probably going to enjoy yourself. Stay longer than 45 minutes. Don't talk about emotional
things. Don't talk about spiritual things. And don't talk about future things. Go to AI.
Get you some questions. Laugh and have some fun and take your pretty self home.
And then next person. And sit up all night on the phone with somebody,
knowing you got to get up and go to work. It's so much fun.
You know how you start feeling like that little girl when you start talking to a guy that you
like? It's just something about that feeling. It's so fun.
Till you be at work and say, what was I thinking? It was so dumb. Then you do it all over again.
But, look, we want you to giggle and laugh again. You won't come back to this stage again.
In a little while, it's going to be till death do you part. And it's coming. But now you get
to have a little fun. And we want y'all to do it as best we can.
All right. Amen. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. Jodi.
All right. Thank you. I'm new too. And Kathleen, I totally get you. I totally get you. It's the
in me. You want to figure it out first. It's so hard. So that kind of is related to the question
that I had, actually, because I kind of changed my question. But originally, my question was like,
I'm only on Facebook dating right now, because I don't really know which other ones to go on. And
I don't really want to spend money at this point. But I've only been like, what is it?
Liking people that either talk about their faith in their profile, or have the Christian music,
or some decent music, or, boy, loosely, if they say they're Christian, if they click on the icon
Christian, because what does that mean? That could just mean they believe there's a God.
And so I totally relate to that, wanting to have it all figured out before you even say yes to
clicking on them. So I guess, yeah, I'm kind of looking for a little guidance in that too,
or strategy. What do other people use as their criteria to say, okay, you're one that I like?
Ladies, can you put that in the chat for her? I'm not trying to cut you off. Can you put in
what some of the criterias that you look at? Just type it in the chat. Go ahead, Jodi. You can get
through talking. I was just letting them know to start putting it in. Yeah. And then I like what
you said about, are they teachable, willing to grow, that kind of thing. But
But, you know, I think, gosh, you know, I don't wanna,
well, the guy that you broke up with,
I don't even know how to ask this,
but why would I invest my heart
for X amount of time if I already know
that, yes, they're a Christian,
but they're not really involved in church yet.
And then once I start talking to them,
they start going, is it because of me?
Do you know what I mean?
Like that discernment,
and I don't want to be pulling them along
like you were talking about.
I would like, I too would like a leader.
So that's-
Yeah, let me address that.
So the guy that I was talking to was a believer.
He was a leader in his church.
Okay, so he was very, very, not just active,
he was a leader in all ways, very much in his church.
So he was a straight up righteous.
I mean, he was sold out to righteousness when I met him.
Okay.
So one, we don't invest our hearts.
So that comes with time.
We were dating for five months.
Right.
Right, and so there's a pacing that happens
and you have to pace.
If you find that it's challenging for you to pace,
that tells you that something is a bit unhealthy
and it's okay because you're like, whoa,
why did I just tell, okay, let me reel this back in
and figure out what's happening with me.
That's why you have community.
And it's not true that you're gonna invest.
If you invest your heart in a man
that's not mature, marriage minded or masculine,
then there's something happening within you
because that's the criteria.
Right, okay.
Mature, marriage minded, masculine
is not the criteria to go on a date.
If you keep looking at a date like he's your husband,
you're gonna get tripped up every time
because you can't look at a date that way.
Do dates lead to spouses?
Yes, but if you're not looking for a spouse,
will you go on a date?
I know, but I wanna cut the time in half.
Yeah, but see, when you cut the time in half,
you cut your time in half, Jodi.
Yep, that's true.
Because God doesn't just partner you
with the man for your now,
he's partnering Jodi with the man for the Jodi
you have not seen.
And so when we come and we think we so qualified
and we think we're so this and we think you're so that,
you're not so this and you're not so that.
Why?
Because the version that you'll be in 10 years
is not the version you are now.
And you don't know how to find a mate suitable for that.
You just know what here and now looks like.
And so because you only have eyes on here and now,
it costs you,
because you keep trying to find a mate suitable
for where you are.
I am telling you, five months ago,
I would have not selected the same man I selected
before I selected him.
And that's just how fast I was grown in the Lord.
That's just how fast things are happening within me.
Who you are today will not be who you pick six months
from now if you are growing.
Yeah, I get that.
So that's, you have to eradicate your mind.
I'm telling you,
you gotta tell yourself over and over, Jodi,
he's not my husband.
He's not my husband.
Could he be?
Could be.
He's not though.
He's not my husband.
I just wanna date.
I sing this song to myself.
You have to,
when you're in this phase of dating for discovery
and Kathleen, you don't have to get seven dates.
It's just the challenge,
just to double back on that.
But, you know, we want you to get out there
and put some heat under you to start dating.
That's all that is.
But Jodi, he ain't the one,
but he is the one for a coffee date.
Okay.
You will not invest your heart,
your God-defending and you have a community
that even when you feel like it,
I tell people all the time,
can't nobody slow a woman down
and a woman that feel like she done met the one
till she crashed the ship.
Oh yeah.
She be like, you can't tell her nothing.
She just like, you be like, listen, baby, slow down.
You gotta admit.
You gotta, you gotta submit yourself to wise counsel
no matter what.
Put yourself under seduction.
Tell yourself they know.
It's gonna, it'll cost me more not to listen.
I can't lose by listening to wisdom.
Right.
So you're not investing your heart.
You're going on a date.
Okay.
So I went on the first date of this challenge on Sunday
and I was really, I was really excited.
And he ended up, I ended up learning more about his ex-wife and her faults than I did
about him.
And I thought, oh my word.
We chatted, texted for probably only because of time, we couldn't figure out a time to
get together for probably about a week and a half before we actually got together.
And what I texted with, who I texted with, and who I went for a walk and had coffee with,
it was not the same person, right?
It was crazy.
And so this is like the first time that I feel, I feel good about not just giving grace
to him because, oh, maybe he was nervous.
Normally, I would give grace and give grace and give grace.
But I'm like, no, I think he told me who he was.
So I have to listen to that.
I mean, is that right?
What did he say?
Well, he just, I mean, he just told me all about his ex-wife.
And when I, he asked me a couple of questions about myself and when I would start to answer
without fail, every time something would remind him that I said about him and he would interrupt
me and start talking about him and, you know, his stuff.
And so, and then he did say at one point, and I don't remember the context, but something
about that, his ex-wife said that he has anger issues.
And so I was like, oh, OK, you know, put that in the, put that in there.
And so I just wonder if just him only talking about her or himself and not really being
interested in a back and forth conversation, if that was him telling me who he was.
I don't know.
I mean, do you give someone like that another chance or?
How long had he been divorced?
I, a couple of years.
I didn't ask specifically, but that's.
That's what you're sensing.
Yeah.
Well, this is a really good question, you guys, because men say the same lines.
Most of us have heard them.
Ask me anything.
I'm an open book.
And I can't tell you if you could pull up the recordings, how many women say all he
did was talk about himself.
Yes, I think this is a real thing because you got to believe in a little while.
Most men, you have to pull some out of them.
So you know that that's not typical behavior, right?
For me to talk so much that they over talk you is generally the woman who does it.
But I do want to say this, that I don't think I don't know things he said to you.
That's what I'm not privy to.
Um, but the things you, the things you're saying didn't mean he showed, there was nothing.
I don't think he showed you that he talks a lot.
And they talk about his ex wife.
Now, I don't, I don't see anything about his character in the things that he did.
And one thing we have to remember, I'm not saying you have to give him another opportunity,
but we do have to be careful about what we label.
Because let's say you had a friend girl.
Every time you start talking, she could, she cut you out.
You're not going to go back home.
She showed me who she was.
You're not going to do it.
You're going to be like, every time I talk, she cut me out.
She got to stop this stuff.
Right?
All right.
You got friends that every time you talk, they cut you out.
And he's like, chill out, girl.
Hold on, I got something to say.
That's a real thing.
And you build, I'm in close community with friend girls who cut me out.
And I'm like, stop this stuff.
So when they be like, okay, okay, okay.
Go ahead and say it.
And so I just think that one, you could be picturing futuristic.
Now that's not, that's, that's easy to do because you, you're marriage minded.
Right?
Yeah.
But he didn't show you anything, in my opinion, just based on what you said.
Yeah.
That tells you something about his character.
Now, I don't know how much community he has.
Sometimes when people talk too much, especially females that I'm around,
I know that they don't have anybody else to talk to.
Because they're telling me every single thing they got to say.
Every encounter they had with the Lord, everything the Lord told them, everything they did,
everything that tells me they don't have anybody else to talk to.
So as soon as they get in the women's group, they take over.
Yeah.
They keep talking.
You be like, do they not recognize that there's other people here?
But they don't because they don't have another.
Outlet and so they get in this outlet where other people may spill everything
And so me and have a tendency to do that me have a tendency to say let me tell you everything go front
So you can decide if you want me or not because most times
Me and cough up the most money in the dating experience
And I like if you don't want me here it is
I've been a B C D E of G and then y'all right because like he just was talking about all his personal stuff and
These men haven't been coached
Before you got in this program. Well that you when I say you not you. Yeah. Yeah in this program
we will sit down on a date and tell all of our business and spill all our
Pearl before swine and say I'm just deep like this. You're not deep. You don't know how to build healthy connections
That ain't deep
Wisdom says you don't spill your pearl before swine because they will trample over it
Yeah, your wisdom to people who value you and honor you
so that means that you're not in community where you can share with people who value and honor what you share that you will get on
A date with somebody and say I'm just deep like this. There's not deep
That's not wisdom, right? And so a
man who has not been trained can do or people go out on dates and they
Feel like something's wrong if he didn't touch my hand or he didn't look at me as a sexual object
You feel that way because that's the culture. We're a part of and you wonder does he want me?
You've learned this whole system backwards and this comes to put it in the right order
And so I don't feel like he did anything
But if you're not interested in him, you don't have to go on another date with him, right?
Faith with him. You can't go on another coffee date with him
So this person is not the person you want to be with but you do enjoy going out with them do low stakes coffee date
So they won't spend money on you like yeah. Yeah, right
So I've done it. That's an honorable thing. Like no, we're not gonna have you spending your money like this, but you know, I
Hope I
Yeah. Yeah, that was good. And I'm gonna look at the chat to see if oh, yeah go for it
Okay. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. Naomi. I
Have a name
So
I have two questions
One you remember that you told me like I should live fear on the side. Oh, yes, so I did that and
There was this guy that approached me
so my question is when this happened like we start talking about like I'm starting a business and
I started explaining about what I was doing and he was like, hey, I can help you with it
like doing marketing
But my question is for example, how do I handle this like to not make this about job?
Or work and to make that separation or do you think it is a good way to meet him a
Good way to meet him. Uh-huh
Yeah, I haven't met like I just feel like meet in person. Well, we have met in person. Oh
Go to the same church
Okay, I can
And so your question is do I
Do I think you guys talking about that is a good way to meet him?
Oh to get to know him better because y'all have that in common. Mm-hmm
But you've already met. Oh y'all know each other but y'all haven't went on like a coffee date or anything like that. No, no
But he likes you or no, this is
But you like him. Yes
You want to go on a coffee date with him?
No, no, we haven't
So the first time oh, so now I see why I'm trying to understand
So you're saying is this a good way to lead into let's go grab a cup of coffee and talk about the marketing strategy
yes, or
Make a separation, you know, like
Or how do I continue the conversation now?
You can say this you can say I really like that
About marketing you want to help me
But I would like to lay that aside and see if you like just grab a cup of coffee and see we can get to
Know each other a little bit better before we start, you know talking about those things like I would be interested
So you want to make the distinction so he don't think that you're tying this to it
Like, you know, I'm so glad you know about these things
But as I'm getting to know you I would be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee to get to know you better
Outside of those things first, what are your thoughts? I always I want you to come back strong with what are your thoughts about it?
And so that gives him the autonomy to say oh, well, I'm not really interested that way
but the
way you say it keeps it open so you can write down what I just said so you can say it that
way if you like it that way you can say well it don't sound like me it don't have to sound like
you it gotta sound like the one who's helping you get this date this is the language say you know
I really like that you know a lot about this area because I need this information
now that we've been chatting I want to lay that to the side for a moment and I was wondering if
just like to go grab a cup of coffee so I can get to know you better I'm interested in knowing you
what are your thoughts about me so good you think you can do that no
it sounds like a business proposition you gotta make it sound like I'm doing business
with your brother like this it don't sound like real like will you check the box yes or no do
oh it's like you know hey you're such a wonderful person I want to get to know you
I live in Ecuador okay
I'm like she's from Brazil
yeah and then I have another question there is also another guy in the same church
and this guy is always trying to approach me and I'm terrible I don't know why but I'm like
I will run away and I will just not do it but then I'm also like thinking because I was like
um listening to the other girls that were saying like you get a lot in your head and you start
like seeing the person and you start creating like a story of who is that person yeah but you really
don't know him but because of that I'm like okay I need to stop doing this and not stop it but it's
keep doing it and also the other thing is like if the two guys are from the same church like
how do you do the dance like I don't know how you handle that well I mean is it a small church
it is do you like the one that's trying to approach you
yeah oh let him approach you smile at him look at him make yourself available when he walk out
the church go walk outside in the parking lot when everybody else is there you know like like
oh hey how are you doing today speak to him look him in his eyes when you speak the one who's trying
to get to you to get a date I think that you should I would more lend myself to him than the
one that hasn't asked me yet if I have to be honest with you wait when again the one who is
looking for you to ask you out the one you know that likes you I would lend myself to him first
because he is pursuing you you know that he's trying to get you get to you and you do like him
and so I want you to smile at him make eye contact and find a reason to talk to him and he will take
it from there all you gotta do is look at him in the eyes you know when you make that direct eye
contact he know he gonna go for it you just need to talk to him now Naomi I need to hear about a
date next week y'all go get coffee after church come on man I need to come to your church today
you like that how many y'all want to go
yes yeah so look back at him speak to him ask him how he's doing how's the day going
you know what he's been up to make eye contact this guy that likes you right
and you like him too you gonna do it yes
do it do it do it do it I'm gonna do it okay good go for him first though don't wait
but I will go I will let him go first since he he's he wants you like you know for a fact that
he does okay all right thank you you're welcome Sarah hello hello so um I guess my question is
kind of similar to what we've been talking about um I will in in a lot of the programs they've
to be open you know um especially when we're just starting to date and stuff so I've been
kind of looking at people's profiles and trying not to make any assumptions about them and just
being like oh they look nice they
look, you know, safe. So I'm going to go on a date with them, even though they're not necessarily
somebody that I would have chosen, maybe. Anyway, so I did that. But then the guy that I went out
with, I went on a couple of dates with him. And I felt like by the end of those couple of dates,
I felt like he was basically exactly who I thought he was from the very beginning.
Like, so at first, when I first saw his profile, I thought, okay, he looks, you know,
pretty like straight edge and like, just not very interesting. Like, he just, but I thought,
you know, I'm going to be open. He looks, he's, he's relatively attractive. He seems safe. Like,
I'm just going to go out on a date and give him a chance. But yeah, but now looking back, I'm like,
well, he's basically exactly who I figured he was going to be from my first impressions of him.
So then I'm thinking, okay, maybe I need to pay more attention to my first impressions.
So maybe I'm not being picky enough. Do you think I'm not being picky enough?
What did he turn out to be?
Just, just not, I mean, just not very interesting. Like, I kind of got the impression that
from his profile, he didn't really get out much. He just, he just didn't seem like an overall
very interesting person, I guess.
Okay. Well, I think that all of us come with the level of intuition as a woman.
And so we have intuition. God has given it to us. And then what God defended,
I don't think it necessarily means you need to be more picky because he was safe
and you did have a date with him. That was your goal. And then you find out the second date,
he's not going to make it for the long haul. And so then you kindly and gently release him.
But the, but you got the job done. Okay. You didn't put on a wedding dress,
but you got the job done. Right now you're dating for discovery. And if you remember that's your
goal, you'll find yourself enjoying the process and refining as you go. So this is a refinement
because you say, should I refine something that I'm doing? That's what dating does. When you date
that person, you'd be like, oh, I kind of thought that, oh, it seemed like that. You can say, well,
do I need to refine more? You don't need to refine more. That was a good question.
Okay. Like, I don't think you need to be more picky. I think if you said like, I picked him,
he was like ratchet, cussing, just a party animal. I knew it from when I looked at him,
he looked like this was going to be the type of time I had with him. It was horrible. Then yeah,
whatever that profile was like, when you picked him, don't pick another profile like that.
Like, have you ever picked somebody and by the time they like you back, you go back and look at
their profile, like what was I thinking when I picked them? What did I do before? Like,
wait, because you know, when you're on that scroll and you can't find no good matches,
like, okay, let me just chill and let me pick somebody. And then you get to picking for some
reason, these crazy people. And then they talk back to you and be like,
why am I even talking to this fool? When did I pick him? Who picked him? So like sometimes,
that's what I'm talking about. Like, sometimes you'll end up doing that. And then you'll know,
like, hey, that I won't do that particular thing again. But I think that you're doing well. I think
you went out on the same date. But then am I wasting my time? If he was exactly who I thought
he was going to be, and I wasn't super interested in that type of person, am I wasting my time?
Or am I getting good experience dating? Right, you're getting good experience dating. You never
waste your time when you invest in yourself. Okay. So we keep thinking that when I go out
on these dates during phase two, because this is the phase you're in. You're in a dating phase.
So you're getting seven dates. That's pretty fast, pretty quick in a short amount of time.
It's like rapid dating. That's the reason why you set a number like that. So you can do this
and not get hung up and not get stuck and not get in your head, but keep moving, keep moving,
keep moving. That's the goal. You see the pace of it. So when you set something like seven
and you're in this phase, you can be in it up for a little while, but you're looking at most people
five to six weeks in this phase. Seven dates is a lot for people who work, who got a life,
who got stuff going on. So it's like a rapid thing. Let's keep it moving, learn and keep it
moving, learn and keep it moving. But when you keep saying, if you keep thinking, I'm wasting
my time, you can't waste your time investing in you. You can't waste your time learning in you.
You can't waste your time having to set boundaries.
You can't waste your time when it stings because they ghosted you. You can't.
waste your time because you get to bounce back
and how you bounce back, the resilience that it builds in you.
When you speak up for yourself, how powerful you feel.
When you show grace and say, you know what?
I was ready to cut him out, but he's a pretty OK guy.
Oh, OK.
He's not my type.
Do you know you can meet a good man and he not be yours?
You can meet a great man and he's not yours.
Sometimes you have to give up the good for the better
and the better for the great.
It's a real thing.
I did a whole teaching on it.
It's a real thing and it hurts.
And so I think that it helps a lot when we make this phase
the goal to be what it is, dating for discovery.
And enjoy along the way.
It was like, I thought you were boring in exactly what you turn.
And then you say to myself, yeah, I met Jeff and he's very boring.
I know that I don't desire a boring husband,
but I did like that he kept his word.
I did like that he did what he said he was going to do.
I did like that he didn't dishonor my boundaries.
You know, it feels good to be a woman.
I did like that he planned the date.
I'm just saying, I'm not saying he did that, but I'm just saying
like there are so many things you could pick out.
I did enjoy that.
I did enjoy like getting to know him.
It was totally different from texting in person, but it was kind of fun.
Right. It's nice to know that within a week I planned our wedding.
Maybe I should stop that kind of stuff.
It's nice. Oh, I thought to myself, well, maybe I can move over here
within two days.
You know, maybe I should stop that kind of stuff.
Oh, I did fantasize for a whole week before I met him.
That's why I'm so disappointed and disappointed.
Maybe I should stop this stuff.
Like there's so much you can extract from it besides.
They weren't exactly what I thought.
Yeah, they're who they are and who they are.
Didn't this suit you?
Yeah. And what about like part of me being open
and kind of what I thought I had heard in the program was to date
to not necessarily limit to your geographical location, but kind of date
because you don't know where your husband is necessarily. Yeah.
But then but then when I find somebody that I like in there,
you know, for example, in Illinois and I'm in Texas,
then I'm like, OK, well, like where is this going to go?
And like, how far can we actually go at this distance, you know?
And like, how can I actually meet them?
I mean, I know you can do like a video call,
but I after I don't know, after
going on a few dates, I was kind of wondering
if I should just limit my location in Texas for now, just so I can
at least be able to quickly go on the dates with them
and not be limited by that by distance.
Right. Let me tell you something.
Texas is big enough for you to limit.
I pass up some people in Dallas.
I'm like, I can't do it.
I don't feel like getting on the road.
San Antonio, because I'm in Austin, I'm in Georgetown.
So I'll do San Antonio.
But yeah, I think you should limit right now to get seven dates.
And so it would be good to to to cap your surrounding area
to where you can do a date with the person there,
because even if they're in Dallas or even if they're in Houston,
they're still going to have to wait until weekend.
Let's say somebody told you they were right in.
I know what part of Austin are you in?
If they said they were in Georgetown,
you guys can meet halfway on a Friday or Thursday,
even like anything for a cup of coffee to get it over with
or on a Saturday morning for a cup.
Like there's just the convenience of being right there
instead of taking a whole day to plan to meet somebody halfway.
So local serves well.
And if you're not, long distance is a lot of work.
So you're not willing to do that.
It's a lot of sacrifice.
And you get to know people through experience.
But I believe that if something comes across your path
and you are introduced to somebody who lives in another state,
I'm saying don't limit.
They're saying don't limit God in there.
No, OK.
But I mean, you got to necessarily go out looking for me and this out of state.
OK, so.
But if I called you upstairs like I got this great guy,
I think you guys would be wonderful together.
But he's in North Carolina.
Do you want to just talk to him and give him a try?
And if that's like something presented to you, you can say, you know what?
I'll be willing to talk to him.
And then he ends up being your your spirit mate, right?
Something like that. That's a little different.
OK, yeah, thank you.
That's helpful. You're welcome.
OK, good.
Oh, is Karen still here?
No. OK, no, Karen.
OK, no, Karen.
Um, Jodi, oh, I wrote you down twice, Jodi.
I don't know why.
Brandy, sorry.
That's weird.
Brandy.
Hey, Brandy.
Hi.
Good to see you.
I have a question that I kind of figured out the answer maybe,
but I still want to run it past you and see what you would say.
Yeah.
So I'm going to try and condense this a little bit if I can.
But I did put it in the, you know, wherever the updates go.
And folks are like, yeah, well, I'd
like to know the answer to this one, too.
So this is for all of us, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
I saw somebody saying they want to know the answer to that also.
Go ahead.
So I've been talking to someone on Facebook.
And last week, we agreed to meet,
but I had to go out of town for a family reunion,
so it didn't work.
So we're past, like, the two-week mark.
And I was the person who dropped the hanky.
But I realized maybe it's more about the style
of dropping the hanky, because I literally said,
hey, would you like to get together for coffee?
Versus saying, it's nice to get together for coffee
and letting that person, like, lead from there.
So I don't know if it's just, like, a nuanced thing,
but I'm just sorting it out.
So basically, he said, yeah, sure, I'd like that.
Great, great, great.
And he kept trying to give me his phone number.
I'm like, I'm not taking phone numbers
unless I've met you in person.
Like, I won't, like, I don't need,
we don't need to be texting and all that.
Like, I just, that's a personal thing for me.
And when I say that, guys are OK with it,
so I don't feel like that's the worst thing.
But all that to say, he wouldn't give any, like,
he wasn't working on details at all.
So, like, he didn't ask, like, where we would meet or anything.
And, like, he said yes, right?
Like, yes, I want to get together for coffee.
That'd be great.
But, you know, as time went on,
he never mentioned really any details about it.
Like, babe, yeah, maybe Tuesday.
That was all he supplied.
And so I was fighting with the idea of, like,
do I need to keep asking him if he wants to go on a date
or does he want to still get coffee?
So I did ask him, I think, yesterday before I sent the message,
like, hey, do you still want to get together for coffee?
Just check him in.
And he said yes.
That was his whole response.
Yes, exclamation point.
No other follow up sentence, nothing more.
And I was just like, I don't know what to do with this
because I feel like I either have to ask for more details,
which makes me feel like the planner.
Maybe I'm not the planner, but I feel like the planner
if I'm, you know, providing all the details.
Or I just have to wait and let it play out.
So I didn't like that.
So I just decided there's too much confusion.
So I don't want to go on the date anymore.
I don't feel like I'm the person who's planning all of the details.
And I kind of just I don't know if it was the best idea,
but I kind of gracefully said something along those lines.
And I said, you know, thank you so much for your time as well.
And I just, you know, wanted to share like why this was maybe a little frustrating for me.
And then, of course, like he said, oh, no, I really want to.
Let's try again.
Can we organize?
Let's do all the things.
And then like he was really responsive.
So we're actually going to all this to say we're actually going to get together
for a virtual date tomorrow.
But I'm not I'm just like, OK, let me just follow this.
And I don't think he's going to be my person.
But for the sake of discovery, I will go see what's around this corner.
But I don't suspect it's going to be anything.
But it could be a great learning opportunity for him and for me.
And to just simply practice like being in communication with another human
who's on the dating journey.
So that's where I'm at.
But I just wanted to share like my process as best I could.
Yeah. Oh, OK.
He's your single Renee's single guy friend.
They asked to join here.
That's who it is, Renee.
Oh. No, I'm not you, Brandy.
Renee, how do you know that the person Brandon is talking about
your single guy friend?
Did he tell you about her?
No. Oh, what?
OK, hold up, Renee, hold up.
Randy, so listen, this is how we can avoid, ladies, this thing about
I suggested I dropped the hangy, but he's not picking up in planning.
Well, if you suggest something, sometimes it could suggest
that you're going to come through with the rest of the plans possibly.
But this is what I do.
But I won't have to have any back and forth questions.
Always. This is my practice.
I would love to grab a cup of coffee if you're interested.
It let me know these are the dates and times that I have available, but I'm going to always end it with
Let me know what works for you. This is my availability
I I I have an idea. I think it would be great if we got together for a cup of coffee
What are your thoughts about that?
So it eliminates any thought in my mind. Did they just go along because I asked
It eliminated thoughts in my mind. Did we have to plan so they're like, yeah, that'd be great like hey
Well here are my dates and times. Let me know whatever coffee shop works best for you
And I think this is going to be fun
So that gets all this did I do did they do it whoever did it is done, but they have everything to go with
And if I have to follow up you I follow up in fullness
So when you say like do you still want to do coffee? I will say hey haven't heard much from you about the coffee date
I am interested in going if you are still interested in going these are the times that I have available that day
Let me know where and what time works best for you
I would really like it if you were able to get back with me by this date and time
Whatever as detailed as you could get that gives them all of your information so you won't have to worry
About did they not have what they needed to make it happen?
Um, sometimes guys will put it back in your cup like wherever you pick why do they do that?
Not because they're not planners. They could be not planning some guys suck at planning, but they want to please you
And we keep seeking out sometimes we go like well they didn't plan nothing, you know, i'm not doing it
I'm not doing all the work. They're gonna have to show me that they do work. There's a danger in that mindset
Because your husband could suck at planning and he could be a great man, but he could suck at planning
You know, I just want us to be really mindful of that mindset
And you have to be willing to to like give what's needed to make it happen
Even if they say I don't know what's in your area. Oh, oh, okay. That's a great question. You want to be closer to me?
I'll uh, you know this this is the zip code that I'm in or something that i'm around this mall area
Something like that to give them a little more details as to what they plan if it's a big place
Right, so i'm in a little small town georgetown or if it was texas small like whatever coffee shop you pick i'll be in distance
Very short distance of it. And so brenda, that's one way to navigate that
and um
Yeah, and another thing too
Sometimes when a woman doesn't want to talk on the phone and give her number sometimes men get nervous that it's a catfish
that's a real thing and it's like
You don't give me your number, but you want to go out with me?
You don't want to hear my voice, but you want me to show up at a coffee shop and talk to you
Right, like that's a real
plausible thing
If a man told me that he wouldn't talk on the phone to me
He ain't gonna see me in no coffee shop
That's just me. I don't I need to hear your voice. However, you asked him to do a video call or
So that's a different thing. So I don't want to leave that out because
You you ask so you want to do a video call? So you're telling him I want to see you
I'm, just not in the business of giving out my number to a person
I haven't seen or gotten to know and there's nothing wrong with it
But I just want you to know like when it says you say it seems like he just really want to talk on his phone
Men feel like let me hear you
Let me make sure you're a woman. That's why someone having a profile like I don't want no dudes
I don't know like they get like I don't want no trends like that's not the business that i'm in
Like they get bombarded with a lot of these things
And so I just want you guys to keep in mind their journey on the dating site, too
And what is what could they be saying that they're not saying it used to irritate the heck out of me y'all
When soon as I made with a man, he like he go my number call me boy. I don't even know you
I used to get so offended
How dare he asked me for my number?
I was
offended
And now i'm like now sometimes they go just a tad bit too far i'm like let's do two more chats or two more not two more
Days, but I used to be highly offended that they would ask for my number
But that means they've been on this side a while and it's like look if you want to talk you got my number
I'm not gonna be texting you back and forth on this app. And that's how I am like I'll block you
But i'm not about to be going back and forth on this app with you
And because I don't get on it a lot. But okay. Yeah
Yes, I appreciate it though. I appreciate it. I appreciate it
That's very helpful and I will work on that
just
Seven so I can be on my way
Yeah, I hope you have fun though brandy i'm working on the fun part yes, yes, you need a good time
I'm gonna have a good time
Dates to get and i'm gonna enjoy myself. Okay
Thanks, Stephanie.
You're welcome. Go for it, Kim.
All right. My hand down.
I'm struggling because I too,
like a couple of people I've already mentioned,
didn't know that dating seven people or whatever,
the assignment was going to be as such when I joined.
My journey is, I'll try to be brief,
is that I became a single mother when my children were seven and 11,
and I hadn't dated for 26 years because God told me to wait.
He asked me if I was willing to do that, and I said yes.
I believe that God told me that I
wouldn't date until my children were grown and out of the house.
I said, I can do that with your help.
I did that. My son stayed at home till he was 34.
Golly, son.
I'm not kidding you.
Both of my children are married and family and everything, so that's good.
But that was five years ago.
When he moved out, I'm like, okay, God, here I am.
I also believed and have believed and stood on the fact that I believed that God was
going to provide someone for me and was going to make it so obvious that I wouldn't
have to date around because I don't want to have to date around.
I'm not really interested in dating around to find a man.
I'm 66 years old.
I pretty much know what I want, and I'm not willing to accept anything less than that.
And so I'm struggling with the discovery thing because I feel like I'm going out just
to meet an assignment, and I did go out on my first date.
I felt like I almost felt let down because I felt like this time that I have waited has
been sacred and that I've been saving myself for the right one, not just anyone.
And so I felt like going out on these dates is just not really fair to me, nor is it fair
to the other people because I'm just doing it for an assignment, and I don't need to
date around to have fun.
My life is full, and I would love to have a man, and I believe God has someone for me
that I've been waiting for, but I don't need to date around to find that.
I don't feel like that.
And so I'm doing this.
I went on the date, and just because I was told that that was part of the expectation,
but I have gone through the dating websites, and there's two scammers to every one real person,
and it just turns me off because I never wanted to be in that position, and I felt like God
wasn't going to require that of me because he was going to, and I'm not saying he's going
to FedEx delivery a man.
It's not like I've been hiding out, but I also asked God to make me so that I wasn't
tempted for so many years.
I asked God to make me invisible so that I didn't have to deal with people asking me
out, and he did that.
Not one person in 26 years, and I have been in the people profession working with lots
of, I was a counselor for 35 years, and I've been out there.
It's not like I've been hiding out either, and I probably was, because I knew it would
be a while.
I probably wasn't putting out vibes like I'm interested, so it's probably, but not one
person asked me out or was interested, and that's okay because I told God I was willing
to wait.
So I feel like right now that I'm having to put myself out there and dive into these dating
websites that I don't really want to, and I have been making connections, and like in
the last week, there's been five people that were not who they say they were.
You cannot tell someone, you cannot tell who someone is by their profile, and I know you
know that, but these people are, I don't know, I just, I have, obviously I have some trust
issues when it comes to online dating.
dating because, um, I I'm on, I'm becoming more wise about it, but I see right
through them and, um, so anyway, I just, I just felt like, um, that I spent my
first date doing what I was supposed to do by going out, but I just, um, really
felt like that was safe for somebody really special, you know?
So I'm not, I mean, I'm, I've been around, so it's not like I'm just, I don't know
about the dating for discovery thing.
I don't know that that fits for me and I'm not saying it's not good.
I understand it would be really good for, for many, um, that need to
discover and learn about themselves.
I've spent many, many years learning about myself and healing and going
through lots of heart healing and processing everything.
Um, so I guess my question has to do with, is there anyone ever in this
program that really does, that really does get, that really has the experience
where someone comes along and God says, this one's for you.
And they, they don't have to do all the, the dating because I
still hope that that's for me.
I still hope that, and I'll, and I'll date because I, I committed to this
program and I will do it, but I really don't want to.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
I hear your heart and what a journey you've had.
Yeah.
I hear your heart's been good.
I mean, he's been my man, you know, and he, he has fulfilled,
um, the desires of my heart in every area, but he knows, but he told me that
would be, he had, he was saving someone for me, so I don't know, I just don't
know how to navigate through this part of it because I still believe.
I still believe that.
And I just don't know if it's going to come through the process that
I'm having to participate.
Right.
And so I'm thinking a lot of things.
And so we're going to piece through the things as best I can.
So one of my thoughts for you, um, I, some first question would be, and I,
I'm navigating this skillfully with Holy spirit.
And so if you see me pausing is because I want to honor what you've had with
the Lord and not dishonor, I think it's sacred as well.
And so I understand that.
Um, and so why did you join the program?
Um, because I wanted to make sure that I was ready.
I mean, I have been through healing and I've been in, like I said, I I'm
in the counseling profession, so there's always, um, the awareness that, you
know, is there anything that, you know, I, is there any little things I haven't,
you know, healed from, and I want to be ready now that I, now that I know that,
that I feel like the time is, and, you know, God's giving me, it's getting ready,
getting ready.
I'm, I have this urgency to, to start looking, uh, keeping my eyes open and,
and being ready to receive what he has for me.
So I felt like if there was anything that I needed to address, I wanted to, and I
guess I also felt like, um, because I did have some men trust issues, I was married
to a church leader and, um, he abandoned us one day he was here and the next he was
gone.
So I had abandoned things and I'm like, well, how, you know, have I really dealt
with that?
How can I trust another man again, even if they're a church leader and, um, that
kind of thing.
So I just wanted to make sure everything was, that I was ready and healed.
And so that's why I, that's why I joined.
And it gave me a little bit of confidence to know that this, the Christian matchmaker
you know, like, um, cause I didn't know really what the program was about, um,
before I joined it other than here's a Christian matchmaker.
But then once I listened to the introduction and it was spirit filled and I'm like, Oh,
this is good.
And I thought if nothing else, this is good.
You know what I'm saying?
It was, so it was like, so what's, what's the plan that you propose for you to.
To grow in the healing that you have from the abandonment issue.
Do you plan for when you meet, let me, let me narrow down the options is your plan
that when you meet this man, that God says he's the one.
That he bears all of your issues. It helps you walk through them or no
I'm already I've already been through my issues. I feel like I'm already but you haven't had a man to test it on you've been
with Jesus
Jesus don't abandon you
Yeah, right, right
So you have you haven't had a man to practice with you've not tested out your healing at all
The only person you can attest to because you haven't had the opportunity to be back in the situation where if I gave myself
You could do this to me again
Because that's the reality of what's gonna happen. I don't care if God stamps approval on a man. That's not gonna take away
the thought of being abandoned again, and so what I'm saying to you is this a
Lot of times when you date you work that thing out
You iron it out. This is not me suggesting you date
I told you I want to come from this with a lot of different angles with you
That we can get a fuller picture in a perspective because if the perspective shifts
When you go out on a date, you don't feel like you're sacrificing was precious
Mm-hmm
That's that's not the most precious thing for you to sit down with another brother in Christ over a cup of coffee
If you want to see it that way
That's not you you didn't lose when you get to sit in the company of an individual and you get to show up as Kim
As her new refined self and does it have a romantic connotation?
Yes, because when they saw you they saw a beautiful woman and they want to go on a date with her. That's true
So that's one perspective
so that's when you take dating and you use it as a tool for all the healing that you receive to put a man because
Nobody's gonna trigger you like a man. They don't have the ability to do it. I don't do it. No woman
No children. No, nobody can do it like a man
The a man because a man represents a husband, right?
And so you have all these things about what you want a husband to be and so you're lining them up
But dating helps iron that out
So that's one thing one way dating can serve you. You're not cheating you you invest it in yourself
Nobody marries a person before they date them or get to know them
even if heaven says they're the one either you gonna get to know them before you say I do or
After you say I do but the thing about after I do is you have an expectation on them to be a husband
But how can they be a husband? Have they not yet been your friend?
So there are these stages of development that just happen whether you do it on one side or you do it on the other side it
Has to happen
Nothing's gonna change about that
Does that make sense? So yes, so that's the perspective shift on dating
You're not dating if they're the one you trust that the Lord is writing your love story
However, it does give you an opportunity to iron out those abandonment issues and watch his flags go up
So that when the husband does come along you can see with eyes that he is the one
And sometimes when people don't check our boxes and God sends the one you'll never see him
Because there's a lens that you have that can be stronger than the Holy Spirit
Fear will silence anything in you you start liking a man
That's when a woman fear start rising up the most because now I feel my heart attaching
I feel my emotions leaving me and now you put me in a very vulnerable place
Because once you start feeling that you're vulnerable and now they have opportunity to misuse you like somebody in the past
Be it like that's just a real thing. That's gonna happen in the process
That's one option. The other option is you can go back to the Lord and
Ask him like you can say to him father. This is the journey we've had I
Don't like dating I don't desire to do this. What are your thoughts about it?
And that's all you need to know you don't have to hear anything else at that point because right now you're just trying to hear
The father's heart to what your process and if he says to you Kim, I want you to date
I think this would be good for you. You can say yes, you can say Kim
You know what?
I don't want you to date
But you want to hear his heart for your journey and it doesn't mean that and you can stay in this program
you can go to all the sessions you can enjoy that part of the process if you want to do that and
You can wait on the Lord to bump you into your husband
I believe and still even this process does not exclude God from being a supernatural matchmaker. That's what he does in there
He's supernatural matches individuals but for whomever you match with you're gonna have to go out with them
So whether you feel super good about God has his hand on it,
and I believe that this is the one,
but when you start talking to them,
you find out, oh, I thought that's what I heard,
but I didn't, I don't know, you know,
those exchanges we have with the Lord can be, you know,
he can do a lot of things with those,
but that's an option for you, Kim.
And you don't want to feel,
it's not for you to feel blocked in
and feel forced to do something.
That's what my heart really wants to say to you.
Like, you don't have to feel forced to do something
or to be someone that you're not ready to be
or you desire to be.
And I don't even want you to feel like
because you do it that you don't do it
that way you're losing.
You have a father that is working for you
and fighting for you and he is for you.
And so my encouragement out of all things
is to go back to the one who made the promise.
The Bible says that God is faithful to complete the work
that he began as he who began a good work in us
is faithful to complete it.
But I would go before him and wait.
And I would take everything in my mind
that doesn't want to do it,
everything I thought what God would do,
how he would do it,
and I would lay it on the altar of the Lord.
I will get it all out of my system
so that in order for you to hear,
you're going to have to rid yourself of what you thought,
what you wanted and how you wanted it
because you don't know the mind of God.
There are things that we just don't know
and how he's going to do it.
And this is not me rooting for you today.
I am telling you, I lay my stuff on the altar.
This is what I want.
This is how I want it.
And this is what I thought you were going to do.
Now I give it to the altar of the Lord
and I ask that you give me what you have in return.
Let me hear you clearly.
And then I submit mine to community
so they can also process it through with me.
We hear even through,
even if you're a prophetic person,
you know that as the Lord speak,
it has to come through us.
It has to come through a vessel
who is limited in our words, our vocabulary,
their experiences I have with God to tell people,
I can't even explain it.
It's so much pain.
I don't have the vocab for it.
So the one writer says that
if we had to compare ourselves to God,
we're like a rock.
That's how dumb we are in comparison to who he is.
It's true.
And so when you're hearing,
it's so good to hear in community to submit these things
because we have something that's also working in us
that wants it the way whatever we thought it could
or would be like.
But I want you to go back to the one
who orchestrated all of this.
And you're not going to be shunned
because you made a decision that I don't want to date.
Nobody in this community is going to do that to you.
It's just, that's just not how that works.
Yeah.
Keep us updated.
Yeah, I will.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
Joanne, are you still online?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey girl, you've been writing a long time.
Now, I'm going to tell you.
I don't know.
You should start raising your hand first
because you know you be having some good stuff
for us to talk about.
But we got 11 minutes between you and Renee.
So you got it?
Okay.
I feel some anxiety because I actually feel like
the one of the guys I went on a date with,
there's like potential.
And I realized, oh, I have anxiety around this.
Like, and I'm like, oh, I need more healing
because when I don't hear from him,
like, I'm like, oh, what does this mean?
You know, even though we have this,
like, and that's the other thing too.
It's like, I want to,
I think I need to do better job pacing because,
well, he's taking me out to this really nice restaurant
this Saturday.
And he was like, are you excited?
We're going to, you know, it's like wine and dine,
which is pretty amazing.
Like, he's like, we're going to eat.
We're going to have wine.
We're going to have dessert.
I'm like, oh my gosh, that's like really intense, right?
So part of me feels like, why am I worried?
But then part of me is like, is this kind of intense?
This is like a lot, you know, for a first date.
I don't want to get my emotions too involved.
And I was just like shooting the breeze saying like,
I love jazz because I used to sing jazz.
And like, there's this jazz festival coming up.
And he's like, oh, let's go.
Like, he was like, yeah, like, let's check it out.
And then I'm like, oh no,
I don't even know if I should go with him
because then I have to be in his car
and that's like a long time.
So I feel conflicted because I just want to try
to guard my heart and do things well and not,
oh, why is this?
Yeah.
So, uh, I just, I'm just realizing I have some fear like what you just shared, like
I kind of actually have hope for this guy.
And um, I'm trying to, you know, I'm overcoming anxious attachments.
So I realized, oh gosh, I'm getting anxious.
I don't like this, you know.
So let's normalize.
This is a thing because we'll diagnose ourselves really quick.
Let's normalize that when you like a person is more ecstatic.
That's the thing I was telling Kim about.
If you meet somebody that you like, it opens you up in a different way.
And you start like, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Am I even making a good decision?
What, what are we doing?
He's spending all this money.
Oh, we should just get coffee.
Oh, wait a minute now.
It's like, everything is like over the top.
And it's like, it's not anxiety.
Somebody you like and you scared you're going to get rejected and hurt is a real thing.
So we got to say, Hey, this is a part of it.
And this is the part that can sting because you got to actually kind of get to know them
to see if it works out.
So it's a thing, Joanne, you are not regressing.
You are not being anxiously attached.
Your emotions are not going anywhere.
You know how to operate in wisdom.
You are God defended, and you're going to guard your heart with all diligence by talking
about things on the right level for where you are and who you know, what you know about
him.
And the truth is you don't know him.
You're getting to know him.
Now, if you can not ride in the car with him, you need to just drive your car there and
you can explain to him like, we don't really know each other that well, so we're not going
to ride together.
I don't care how much the tickets cost.
There's not any harm to him.
You are a woman who has to protect herself.
That's all that is.
You're a woman and he's a man, right?
And so you get to analyze.
I'm so happy because you analyze everybody so well, Joanne, and now you like somebody.
I have some interest and now I'm like a little scared because I'm like, he told me he's going
to get back to me.
He hasn't gone back to me.
What does this mean?
You know what I'm like?
I don't like these thoughts.
I don't want to have these thoughts.
And then I'm like, what do I tell him?
Like, I don't think I want to spend all day doing it.
You know, what I really what I want is like if the dinner goes well on Saturday, I don't
think I'm ready to go all day like, you know, jazz festival.
But I want to offer something else.
Like I want to say, well, if dinner goes well, I'm open to, you know, meeting up for like
lunch, you know, in my in my hood or something, you know, how about you say you show up as
and you say, let's just do dinner.
All day is a lot.
And when we go to dinner, if it goes well, how about we plan another date another time?
You know, they say sometimes dating is some of the one of the biggest scams because people
don't always show up as themselves.
And I made a promise to myself about I said, when I show up, I'm going to show up as Ebony.
That's it.
I'm already kind.
I ain't got to say I got to be kind.
I'm already honoring.
I ain't got to say I don't want to say that because it's not honoring.
That's who I am.
And you show up in the fullness of who you are.
Be authentic.
That's a long day.
That's all day.
I don't want to be with you all day.
Now, you can find a pretty way to say that.
It's like, hey, I'm so excited to go to dinner and get to know you.
This place that you pick sounds amazing.
Men want to hear that.
They want to know that you appreciate you like other things.
They like to be appreciated.
Like, yeah, I am stoked to meet.
This is impressive.
Yeah, I was.
Yeah.
The one thing is, we know I don't want to hang out all day because that's a lot.
And so how about we just do dinner this time and then we'll see what was I'm excited to
see where we go from there.
So leave some excitement there, but just show up as Joanne.
Don't show up.
You know, you don't have to like do all those like I'm anxious or those sorts of things.
No, no, no.
I'm not going to say that.
No, no, no.
I mean, I feel like it's too soon to really like him, but I actually have hope.
But something else, and I'll end soon because I know like we got to go, but like something
else you brought up.
I'm like, oh, my gosh, I don't know if I could do those things like the sister from Ecuador.
And also like, these are my times that I'm available.
Would you like to go out?
I feel like for me, that's so like pursuing and aggressive because something I'm considering
is actually being a little bit more proactive with men that I do think is quality, which
is rare.
I don't usually find men that I'm like, I want to really get to know this person.
And if they don't really like initiate, then I don't really do anything.
So I'm considering what would be comfortable for me to do without being like, hey, would
you like to go out?
I mean, I don't know.
That seems very.
Scary, like too pursuey, like I feel like I'm pursuing and I'm aggressive or like that
just I don't know.
Let's break down the definitions of what you say pursuing and aggressive is because if
I got on the phone with you right now, just like Joanne, let's go out for coffee tomorrow.
He's like, okay, yeah, let's do it.
And I say to you, Joanne, okay, now I'm out for this time, my lunch break is at this time
and I can do this.
What can you do?
And then you'll be like, okay, well, I think on Friday, I have this time and this time.
What is that?
Did I just pursue you?
No, I love that.
I actually really like it.
That's how I roll with a lot of my good friends.
That's the same conversation you're having with this guy, except for you've created this
idea that if you do that, that a man is supposed to show, like do something for like a man
supposed to plan and a man supposed to do this.
Like it's all these laws working in you that have already been there that are ancient,
that won't allow you to make a connection with a person.
He has plenty of time to reciprocate.
He has plenty of opportunities to do your pursuit of you.
It's called reciprocation in getting to know a person.
He's just the person.
If you want the coffee date, provide what information you have.
That's all you're doing.
They have to agree and say that they're going to show up.
But it has a lot to do with what you've already laid in.
A lot of times people feel like they are going against every fiber of their being and somehow
this must be God because it goes against them.
It's laws that you have laid within yourself about who a man is and what he should be and
how he should be.
Even if he's not the one who's asked me on a date.
I think it's different if he's asked me and then I tell him.
It's up to you.
You don't have to take the opportunity.
You don't have to do it this way.
You can stick with the way that you like to do it.
You can stick with what makes you feel comfortable.
But it's a feeling.
It's not based on reality.
Because you just told me you like to do the same thing with your girlfriend.
So that means you put a standard on a man.
Now, do I say when you go out to a date, a man should pay?
That's my first option.
Yes.
Do I think that there's a level that he should treat you because he's a man?
Yes.
That's still there.
That's masculine.
But to say, because he didn't plan the first meetup,
that he's not pursuing you.
You ain't even in the, it's not that.
You liked him.
He liked you back on a dating app.
This is no different.
Oh, actually, no.
These two guys are actually in person.
I met this guy in LA and I don't live in LA.
And then I was referred.
So it's like, I just, they've never asked me out.
They never, I've talked to them a little bit,
but they're not like, Oh, I want to get to know you.
Or I don't know. So it just feels like.
But you want to get to know them.
Yeah, I'm interested in one of the guys.
I had a two hour conversation with him yesterday.
Oh,
Asked me like it said, like, I'm interested in getting to know you.
He just, we just talk once in a while.
Well, for that guy, you can always say, you know, I enjoy talking to you.
I'd be interested in getting to know you better.
On a different level. If you're interested, let me know.
At that moment, you stated what you had to say,
but you also put the ball in his court.
You don't think it would scare a guy off. If he saw it.
Who cares if he don't want you, he don't want you.
He didn't want you before you said it.
Scare him out.
He don't want you now, you know,
He doesn't want to know you like that.
Instead of you thinking it in your head.
Now, you know, he's not interested in you like that.
It wouldn't change that. If you kept talking to him,
you still interested in him and not knowing if he was interested in you.
You just dealt with it.
Or you can stop being concerned that if he's interested in you and just
continue talking to him.
There's an option.
Yeah.
I just, I'm just curious about like being more proactive instead of like,
Oh, I just keep talking or like,
I don't know.
I don't know. I just, I won't ever.
Say anything because I, I just think if a guy's interested, he would,
he would initiate like, and if he doesn't initiate,
then he's not interested. I just assume that.
I can't 100.
I understand what you're saying.
Right.
If a man likes you, he's going to make it. No, I could say that.
If some women come up intimidating, they thought about it.
They keep talking to you, hanging around. Maybe they thought, I don't know,
but I must, I somehow put it in the chat.
I'm a sooner than later.
I don't like fantasy situations.
You have me thinking something could happen. I'm talking to you.
So now that's not my personality.
I will.
not i will not up that type of time hoping somebody asks me out
before i do that i'll say to them you know i like getting to know you so you got about if
you're interested you got one more day to ask me out if not we're gonna continue the way we are
you can flirt and leave it alone if he don't ask you he don't ask you
but no i don't i don't lend out time like this okay so test i i i
yeah i've done other advice too like oh just lay lay back and let the guy and so i'm just kind of
yeah maybe i can experiment you know i think you can flirt with him and see if he bites the bullet
but you need you need to make the flirt kind of a clear flirt but
whatever is gonna happen weird or numb weird is gonna happen if you
once you cross the chicken line you cross the chicken line
if you cross the line you're gonna cross the line you ain't you might well lay low
but don't start wondering we could be together what it would be
yeah no i'm no i don't do that no i don't sound like he's saying it i think we're getting a little
closer don't do that to yourself no no no i'm not like that it's more like do i'm i don't feel
comfortable making a move that's kind of what i'm saying i'm not like i i'm yeah trying to
interpret well show up in your feminine order and just flirt i haven't well
i don't know okay
i have i you know my i'm a very dominant person after i i i don't like elephants in the room
i don't care what it costs me i'm gonna face the head on because i feel safe with knowing
i feel unsafe without knowing oh well i've been i've been criticized for that like joanne you
so just like after like dtr all the time what are we what's going on so i was like okay i'll
just surrender and let go you know what i mean yeah so okay you are interesting joanne
all right is that it joanne well yeah i want to be respectful i can always save my others
okay okay all right renee hey girl
hey sorry you don't have to feel like you have to hang in with us please by all means have a
good night we're so happy you joined us um it's over at 8 15 so we we went well over i just wanted
to get all the questions in and so um yeah so no pressure to hang on go ahead um renee and if not
um you can just i'll give the question and you if you want to answer in the other one
no well i did but like i have a question but if you want to answer it in the um in the ask a coach
isn't fine too so um because i want to be respectful of your time also um and
as you can hear in the background your baby yeah she's getting restless oh boy we've been on here
wow what's your question renee though um so like um uh so remember the the guy from dfw
yeah like i was talking about um yeah he's a great guy and stuff like that but what does
that stem from like i remember you one of the girls had asked about you dwell you dwell like
a guy you like you're like oh wow yeah you think about him but it's it's not gonna go anywhere and
you know that but you think about it and you're like wow i kind of like him yeah you're like
and you're going yeah i do kind of like him yeah and and it's like yeah you just met yesterday
people you just met yesterday this is not like hey hey i've known him for 20 years
no like i met him in the grocery store we bumped carts oh my gosh we're getting married
and you're like no that's not gonna happen like but you're like you know what i've i've uh picked
up my wedding dress and the flowers are on order yeah yeah do you know his name yeah you're like
do you know his name uh no it's some guy in produce but i uh i think we are we connected
did he look at you not really but he did look down at his cart that i just bumped so i think
it's a connection and you're like no no and so i'm like you know but i was like
No, I am curious about that. And then you had said, I know, and I wanted to apologize,
I didn't get back on because I've been busy with the small fry. You're like, Hey, get back on.
And we'll talk about like my aggressiveness. So I relate, I can't relate to Joanne not being
aggressive, because you're like, yeah, you are kind of aggressive in your, your, your profile,
telling men what you want and what you don't want. And I was like, well,
I don't have a problem with that. Not at all.
But if, if you to be respectful of your time, if you want to answer that and ask the coach,
I completely understand. I don't have a problem with that.
So what, which, which question are you saying? Do I want to answer?
Either one, like both of them, all of them, all the above, whatever you want to do, Ebony.
How not to fantasize?
Either one.
I didn't realize you live so close to, I didn't live. I did not understand you live in Georgetown,
Texas. You live in Georgetown, Texas.
I live like an hour from Georgetown, Texas.
Oh, wow. One of the young, oh Lord, it's 907. One of the young ladies, her name is, why is her
mouth, she's sleeping mouth. She's going to make a post, but she's coming into town. She's from
Nebraska, but she's in year two, phase two. And I told her just make a post and let the
ladies in the area know she's here. When I was in, when I was in this program, if somebody came
to town, all of us like meet and go bowling or meet and go out to eat. So I told her to post it,
um, so you guys can all get together. And so, um, yeah, so just wanted to say that. Um, and so,
yeah. But, um, the question is, how don't you fantasize, which I think is kind of fun
and sweet and cute because you already know it's not true. Right. So it is fun.
Oh yeah. It's hilarious. Cause you're like, yeah.
And then the other one is how you don't be so aggressive.
Um, you said, well, you didn't say anything about that. You just said,
Hey, are you going to be on, um, Tuesday night meeting? I'll, I'll address it there,
but you didn't say what you were going to address. And I was like, okay, well,
was it about your post when you, I think it was about my profile and you were like,
you're a little aggressive in there. And I was like, was I aggressive?
What you did was, let me tell you what you did. Let me tell you, you say,
this is what I want. And what I don't want is a weak man. You didn't use them words,
but this is what you say. I probably did use those words. I guarantee I probably did use those
words. I guarantee I use those words. I want somebody to be able to tell me when I'm wrong,
but also admit when they wrong. And I'm like, yeah, I was pretty straightforward.
I mean, that's not straightforward. That's combative.
Yeah. You were like, that's combative. And I was like, really?
And no man wants to sign up to a combative woman because women have a tendency to be combative.
And so when you tell a person, I want somebody to be able to tell me about myself,
but if you're wrong, you need to own it. That sounds like a wounded woman.
So if you want a man with wisdom, you'd be better off saying, I enjoy men who carries wisdom.
I enjoy keeping company with wise men. Because what you said, so that's combative. It does feel
aggressive. And no man is going to sign up to come wrestle and argue with a woman.
Especially when women always believe that they're right. And I don't know,
most women, I believe that they're always right. Even when they're wrong,
they believe some of what they say was right, at least.
That's true. I mean,
And so you got to take some pictures with color. You're going to have to take some pictures solo,
and you're going to have to put some color on. So it's going to liven your pictures up a lot.
And I think that that's going to really help your photos and your profile. Because you're a
beautiful woman, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be getting dates. But with black and
white, you look washed out. So it doesn't look lively. But put on one of your colors that you
know complements your skin. You have beautiful black hair, and I think that should be on display.
And then consider the profile that I gave you back in return. And then you want to be mindful
of that when you do go out on dates. One thing that's going to help you is when the man says
something, just say, oh, that's such a great idea. I don't care what you think about it.
It's going to put you in the feminine order. Men are, in some senses, this is how men are designed.
They're designed to enjoy appreciation. They're designed to enjoy like, man, that was a good idea.
That was a really good thought. You never said it was the best idea.
idea you just said that was a good idea like oh I never thought about that, like the instead of yeah I already knew that because see one time.
If you want to be softer say.
I never thought about it that way i've had some thoughts, but not quite like that that's it.
Right sorry i'm laughing because i'm thinking yeah that's beautiful idea let's eat raw fish yes.
That's my idea yeah that is a great idea right stand on the roof and jump up that's a great idea yeah.
Remember you're gonna you're gonna you're not gonna talk to boys you're gonna be talking to
to a guy right to grown up man grown up man can act like little boys but that's the part of them
that's fun you have to accept the little boy not an immature man because there's a little boy like
it's a little girl in all of us. True they have their own side too. They have the little boy that
um so yeah and so I want you to do that Renee okay and and just you know soften up
um your profile and into. I sent you a new one. Okay. That is I hope softer I have. I think what
the problem is. Toned it down. Oh when you put it under reply like under original it's just not
popping back up for me like so I didn't see anything so I need to go back in and find that
because it's not sending me. Oh do you want me to just ask it like a separate question then
again ask the coach a separate one. That'd be great and I noticed that somebody had put
at my name one time and it popped right up but if it falls under another post we literally have to
go into like a back or the way to pull them up because they're not showing us again like somebody
at the front of me had been four days since I said something bad and I didn't even know that
had said anything and so there was. I think that's the same thing for me. I think when you
replied to come on it it does the same thing and I think it was like six days so I think it's that
same thing it kind of like but you have to click on that post and then click back and then do the
same thing so I think it's actually the same type of thing going on also where it does that so I
like that's the same thing too so that's good that makes sense I can do that okay all right
okay good talking to you thank you good talking to you all right you're welcome Nikki
um I just wanted to say that I really appreciate you Ebony um I just hear the
heart of the Lord and everything you say and you're like a blanket to the soul
I just want to thank you Nikki I was like what do Nikki have to say I cannot get out this land
without Nikki talking I could not believe your hand was up thank you Nikki thank you
thank you you're worth every minute listening to for real thank you so much it's very kind
I appreciate you all you all this love it's so fun being here with y'all yeah these are
best times you guys one day we're gonna be putting on dancing shoes showing up at your
wedding whether you believe it or not it is sure to come the Bible says that God is a rewarder of
they who diligently seek him that when he shows up he always shows up with reward in his hand
and we're gonna be like you know um be like Abraham against against against the odds he hoped
in the Lord anyway and God does fulfill his promises we know we don't like the idea that
it could take a long time but whether it take a long time or a short time he is faithful to
complete the work that he started in us and so God I just thank you for these ladies I thank you for
their journey and I thank you above all that they get to know their father in ways they have not
known you before I thank you Lord God for the future is bright for them even their present time
in Jesus name amen I mean good night ladies I'll see you next Tuesday
thank you good night y'all God bless everyone good night night ladies night night