7 o'clock caught me by surprise. It's 7-on-1. My word. Okay. We're working with a full house.
Mandy, I am so happy to see you. I have been thinking about you. I have been concerned
about you. I have no way to get in contact with you and hear you up here. Praise Jesus.
Don't leave me like that, girl. I want to look for you in third year. I said, did she
transfer? I literally been looking for you. How are you? I took a month off. I've never
used the word mental health in my life until this phase, so. My word. Came into phase two
and you need a mental health month. Yeah, I did. I just, well, I felt like I was supposed
to give God the month of August and I didn't. I rushed into phase two and then I was like,
okay, I'll give you the month of September. So I did and it's been nice, like a nice reset,
but I have gotten off all dating apps. Like I just, so then I was like, do I even join?
Like, what do I do? But I'm up late making banana bread tonight. So I was like, I might
as well. Well, honey, you know, you look good when you make banana bread. Okay. I'm
so glad that you joined us tonight and I totally understand. I have taken myself off of things,
distractions, and we're going to get started. But you know, I always say this and I've come
to learn this. God is highly invested in us as individuals. We have a high investment
for a spouse. He has a high investment for us because he knows that once he develops
us, then there's nothing in the way from doing a kingdom marriage the way he designed
for us to have it. And so it's just so interesting how invested he is in us. And that's why
when Jackie speaks of marriage and how easy it is, though, it seems like the journey is
long. She knows that it's a guarantee just because of how invested in us God is. But
I'm learning that he is a father that when you want kingdom, he says, okay, well, let's
clean it up. Because if you want kingdom, if you want what heaven has, it looks a certain
way and it requires a certain heart posture in an individual to carry it. And so I understand.
Hey, and I feel like God really just needed to show me like the importance of what you
and showing me how to do it properly and not with my flesh and not led by my soul,
but really led by the spirit again, like I originally wanted it to be. So just yeah,
whatever's next. I'm open for it. But yeah.
Oh, that's good. That's a great update. I'm so happy. I'm happy to see you other ladies
also. It's just that it's been a minute for Mandy, but I'm happy to see all of y'all.
I would do my usual shouts out, but we're four minutes in. So, but I'm excited. Let's pray.
Father God, I thank you for these ladies. I thank you for wisdom. I thank you for understanding.
I thank you that you've given us kingdom solutions that get to the root of the issue that we
may be whole and complete, lacking no good thing. We love you in Jesus name. Amen.
All right. Well, ladies, I don't have any updates.
Who's coming to the five year anniversary in a couple of weeks?
Just a show of hand, anybody on tonight that's coming? I will be there.
And if you will be there, I'm going to be so happy to see you.
And so, you know, they say people look different in person than they do on the screen.
And so if I act like I don't know, you say, you know, you know me.
And then if I look at you, it's like, I know you know me. I might not remember your name.
I want you to remember it's me. I don't know.
It's strangest thing when you get in front of somebody, they just kind of look a little different,
look a little shorter, maybe a little taller because you can't tell on camera.
But if any of you guys do come, we'll be happy to see you. Sarah, you're not coming?
You're in Austin.
Does it cost money?
Yeah, it was $50.
Oh, okay. I think that's why I didn't sign up.
Well, I totally understand that.
So, ladies, what do we have tonight?
What are your thoughts? What have you been processing?
What has the Lord been showing you?
How's your personal dating life? Let's go, Sarah.
It's okay. Waddell.
Yeah. I don't know that it follows any correct phonetic stuff.
You heard me.
Yeah, um, well, I've got a few things I don't want to take very long, but, um, so I did
want to start by saying last week, I, uh, brought up that, uh, one of my closest friends
told me that when she sees me interact with single guys, that I'm really, uh, defensive
and kind of mean, which if you know me, like, normally people say I'm not mean enough, um,
and so I found that surprising. Um, so, and you told me to just do the opposite of what
I would normally do. And so this past weekend I went with some friends from church to do
some Latin dancing lessons and I've done them before. It was super fun, but when I, I found
myself wanting to be like really standoffish and not like engage much with whoever I'm
dancing with. And so I did the opposite and I smiled and I was nice and it was really
uncomfortable, but, um, I think it helped. I, you know, I was asked to dance more than
I normally am. And, you know, imagine that someone smiles and wants to dance with somebody
who smiles and is not mean. Um, so thank you. I didn't realize how quickly if I'm uncomfortable,
I turn into that, I'm going to be mean to these guys. Um, so that, that was just a thank
you, but, um, it's all cute. Seems so small, but apparently really hard for me. Um, so
my question kind of two part is, um, so I've been back on the dating apps for two weeks
now, I think. Um, and no, no dates yet. Um, I am texting a guy we've been texting for
a week or messaging for a week and we just started texting last night and he still hasn't
asked me out on a date. And I know this comes up a lot in here, but I'm just, I don't, I
don't understand. And I said today, I, uh, we were joking back and forth about places
we've traveled and we both said, oh yeah, we should go together. Blah, blah, blah. You
know, joking. And, um, and when he said it to me, I said it first, but then when he said
it to me, I said, oh, I'd probably be down one day, but I got to meet you first. Winky
face. And, um, and then he was like, for sure. And then ask me something else and continue
the conversation. So I'm just like, what? Do you have any intention of asking me out
on a date? How long are we supposed to be talking? I don't know. Yeah. Um, I would have
to be, um, honest with you. I would stop texting him and require voice conversation. Um, you're
going to run into that. Let's just get beat. Just as be texting buddies and you're right
there at that. Um, if you exchange your number, I will go to a voice call and you can share
with him that you, well, I'm going to tell you what you're going to share it. And I could
fix it up that you're not in the business. So talking to people you've not seen before,
like that's just not the business that you're in as an adult. So, um, I will move to a voice
call our next conversation. So when you text and say, Hey, I would love to schedule an opportunity
to talk with you a voice call. Here's my availability. What do you have? Um, and then
you can also say, I made a hint at, um, us meeting up possibly. Um, wait a minute.
Let's just, let's see what, let's see what happens when you move to the voice call. Um,
um, and it might, so he, he went like several hours today without saying anything, which
that brings me to my second question a second, if we have time, but, um, then he just messaged
me before I got on here. Cause I said something happened at work, but you know, I'm trying to be
tough or whatever. And he said, would you say you're a dominant person? Um, which I thought
was an odd question. I've never been asked that before. Um, and then talked about something else.
So maybe that's where I say, like, I don't, that's something I don't text about. I don't know.
Yeah. Um, you know, now you want to move, we want to move from text to conversation.
You want to get these texts and conversations. It's not going to let's, let's move from text
to conversation. You know, you could have told him like, Oh, that's an interesting question.
How about you and I schedule a time we can talk and just say, you know, um,
I'm not a big texter with, especially when I'm getting to know a person.
So I prefer that we have a conversation and then schedule a meetup time for coffee.
You can say all that in one chunk.
These are the times that I'm available to speak with you.
Okay. Okay.
Now, once you lay that down, once you say that, what is it going to measure for you
if he responds back with, okay, this is the time that I can speak?
Because, so this is where you're going to be able to tell which way he's trying to go
with this, or he acts like you've never even seen it.
So you're not going to continue to text him.
He's going to text you, you're not going to respond for hours.
And then probably four hours later, he's going to say, hey, got your text.
I don't know if you missed it, but I mentioned to you earlier
that I prefer to have a voice conversation.
Let me know when you can talk and we'll finish this conversation.
That's the last you're going to speak of it.
Okay. And then after that, right.
Got it. Thank you.
Are you comfortable with that?
Yeah. Well, I've never, I, even though I'm mean to these guys,
supposedly I struggle with telling people no.
So that's going to be, it's going to push me, but I think it's a good thing.
So, or not no, but you know, pushing back on people.
I struggle with that actually.
So yeah.
Well, see, this is not pushing back.
This is, this is you talking about what Sarah is going to do.
Yeah. This ain't going to, this is not about you pushing back on him.
This is about you setting the standard for your life.
So this is the beginning stages of Sarah setting standards.
And Sarah doesn't have to be mean to tell people to stay back away from her.
She has a voice that is worthy to be heard.
Your voice can be heard. You are seen, heard, and known Sarah.
And so the, you're just, this is you stating what Sarah does.
He can make his own decisions, but this is how you operate.
I like that.
So you want to get used to taking your stand as to who you are because it's
necessary. So I'm excited for you to do this. This is really good activity.
You're welcome. I'm telling you when you're dating, it's such low stakes.
You can practice more easily.
Like I know you feel really nervous about it and you're afraid,
but the truth is you ain't got a lot of skin in the game.
So if it don't work,
at least you practice saying what you want and standing your
ground. And I'm going to tell you when you do it,
it don't matter who you do it with. Once you do it,
I'm telling you some muscles come, you feel them. You'll be like, yeah,
that's right. I'm not going to sit and sit on the phone with you.
Yeah. You're going to enjoy it. You're going to really enjoy it.
So when you said no skin in the game,
that was the second part of my question,
but I know I've already taken a while so I can ask it later on the app.
But so I've noticed myself going into old
patterns of like today when there were hours between us talking
I get this really attached, like nervous. Oh my gosh,
I've already blown it somehow. He's done with me already. Like I,
ah, I, and I have done this every relationship I've ever been in any dating
scenario. I just,
I like immediately go to romanticizing all of it and I haven't even met them.
Yeah. So please help.
I know that is so funny ladies. How many of you guys have done that?
Just raise your hand so we can support Sarah here. Let me raise my hand.
Thank you. Okay. So yes,
this is a real thing and the fact that you recognize that you're doing it
is the bonus, right? It is the thing that, Oh,
I recognize I'm doing that thing again.
And then what you say to that thing is I'm not going to do that because I don't
have to do this. And then you coach yourself. You tell yourself the truth.
This thing that happens is not going to just disappear.
But when you speak back to it and set boundaries within yourself and cause
yourself to come under submission of the truth that you do know in the wisdom
that you do carry,
then you'll see that that thing is not going to have such strength with you
anymore. And so one reason you feel a little nervous about it,
these are some truths. You're talking to somebody,
you got somebody on the hook, you know, you got somebody on the line,
like you, you want to go on a date. That's the whole goal.
And so let's not discount that that is happening and running in the background.
Let's not discount that you do desire to meet someone that can be a mate for
you. We are dating for discovery,
but a lot of stuff we discount and don't realize that it could be.
playing a role, but if you rightly divide things, you can take a stand. But if you don't kind of
take the mud and kind of separate it, the dirt from the water, you'll find yourself always doing
this kind of thing. And then how about we just accept, well, I'm excited to be talking to
somebody. I'm excited that someone is taking interest in me. Yeah, so this makes me nervous.
Yeah, I'm thinking, did I say something wrong? I don't know. Let me look back at my text. Nope,
doesn't look like anything is wrong to me. Okay. Oh, I'm not the problem. He just hasn't
responded back yet. It's okay if he doesn't respond. People do have a life. I'm glad to
know a person who has purpose. I have purpose. I do more than hold my phone. Like, I know that
seems so simple, but if you will learn to talk yourself through the behavior that you're having,
you could bring things back into a center place and accept you for who you are and start rejecting
the part of you that does that and speak some sense into that part of you that does that.
And so that's what I want to encourage you to do and anybody else to do, because that's what I do
with myself. I remind myself, like, no, you didn't do anything wrong. And even if you did,
if a person doesn't have grace for you, then that's on them.
It's true. That is true.
And you're showing up as yourself. If they don't give you an opportunity to clean up
your mess and that shows the way they deal with getting to know a person.
And like, those are some things I have, I'm a believer in talking to ourselves,
because it's one thing we will do as ladies. We will beat ourself up, but we won't take time to
talk to ourselves. We won't take time to show grace to ourselves. And it's very important that
you take time to coach yourself, to talk to yourself, to tell yourself truth. And what if
I did blow it? So what? It's not the end of the world. Like, okay, I'm human and it's okay.
And then so I'm a coach of myself. And I encourage you, Sarah, to coach yourself. All of us,
when we start leaning into that anxiousness, say, I see you,
I see me leaning toward anxiousness, but I'm going to bring myself back over here.
Thank you.
This is better than the therapy sessions I go to where I actually pay therapists.
Thank you. It was very helpful.
You're welcome. We thank God for kingdom solutions and wisdom.
Heaven cares it all. And we're so happy to be partakers of it. So y'all just pull it. I believe
the more we ask of heaven, the more we pull, the more he pours out through whatever vessel
is speaking, he will do it. All right, Felicia, how are you?
I am wonderful.
Well, good. Praise Jesus. How's your heart doing?
My heart is well. I, so wonderful to train your heart, how to, you know,
get through the things in life. Yeah. Because we can't stop the things that come, right?
That's true.
Our heart is trained and we're able to be within a different level, right?
Yeah.
Good. Yeah. Wonderful. You know, one of the things I want to thank you all for
family. I'm kind of the rock in the family. So we're going to traveling up.
What Friday to not a funeral person, but I get called in my heart that I need to
support his wife. He just was a support to him. They were not together, but she,
they weren't divorced, but she was going to support him and she wanted to be there.
And also his friends that stood with him. It's such a perfect example of, I don't know if they
know that it's a biblical thing they did and they walked through with him. His friends were amazing.
They have always been by his side. So I want to hear in my heart. I need to
go there to send a great appreciation to each and every one. So I'll be saying,
I'll be doing a message at the funeral.
Yeah. You guys Felicia's brother transition. And so that's what she's referring to.
Yeah. How far is the drive? Well, I'm not going to drive. I'm going to fly away. She's going to
like take me to Chicago and back. Okay. Yes. So we'll be there. I'm not a great
driver. Five hours a little bit too much for me right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot
of sacrifice, financial sacrifice and stuff, but just the love is pulling me to be there.
So we're going to be there and see my sister. I haven't seen in a while.
it's going to be a mixture of little things, good things. Yeah. We're going to have fun in the
midst of that. Yeah. So yeah, I want to give you an update. I haven't, um, take a break. I mean,
I'm softer in my, in my seeking and still say, hi, I don't want to, I didn't feel like I need
to totally get off. I need to test myself, how I would be in that, you know, in that journey.
I've been through a lot of that. I've been through husband passed away. So I know grief,
so different, different timing, but it was a great time for me to test myself. And it was
really, really a good time. I went on a date with this guy last Wednesday and I didn't get time to
post. Um, you know, he's young, he's 40. I'm like, dear God, how old are you? I'm 51. Oh,
that's just 11 years. Right? Yeah. 40. I was like, Ooh, I can't even pass 49. I got to coach
myself to say hi to 49, but he was, he wanted to say to meet me and he was like on it. So I went
and we had a good dinner, you know, but you know, we see where we're at. We're in coaching and he
lost his mom and he's grieving a lot. He shed some tears in the conversation. I didn't do a
video call, which I normally do. But when I went, um, he cried when he was talking about his mom
and he lost his two children. So he has a lot of stuff going on there. Yeah. A lot of stuff is
lost by gun backless and something like that. I didn't get into too much of the children,
but the mom is what's on his heart now. So the great thing about it is that he's looking,
he started going to counseling the very week he decided that he needs the help.
And I really give him credit for doing that. He wants to do that and his job is going to pay for
that. And that's good. But he's not, you know, because of where we're at, you can see that he's
not, it would be, it would not be great to put yourself into a relationship with someone like
that. And you can see, I, you know, I'm not sorry for him. I'm empathized with his passing
because I've gone through that, but you know, but I didn't shut him off. You know, he say hi to me
and I still say a little higher now and then with boundaries, you know? So yeah, so that's going well.
And then I continue, well, I have a surprise that I was talking to this other guy at the same time
and we, we meet and then he surprised me with lunch yesterday at work. So he was like, those
two were close. And you talk about it. That close is so amazing that you get to
you walk into work and I'm like, Oh my God, it was so beautiful though. And he brought lunch
and kind of feed her on what I like. And he was like, can you please let me know? Is that,
is that exactly what you like? It was a perfect salad. It was really good. So we went outside.
So we have a nice beer a day where we can sit and talk and eat. And it was really good.
It was really nice. Yes. And then I have this other guy that I'm talking to, he's in North
Carolina. I'm like, you know, they're coming in full swing and they're, you know, there is like
a different, it's a different season of them. He wants to meet me and you know, he's fun and he's,
he's 59. Yeah. So I'm just enjoying conversation and meeting and see where it goes and
learn to see, you know, where I'm at also, but it's a beautiful thing. So I'm getting into dating.
I'm not posting. I need to, but yes, it's happening. This other one in North Carolina,
he wants to meet me, but because I'm going away, it would have to wait until I get back.
But he's fun, you know, he's full of life and all of that good stuff. So let's see what happens.
Any coaching for me? Felicia. I mean, you guys will have to, if anybody who's been around long
enough to know what Felicia started in hell, she's got me and just racking them up saying,
yeah, I'm dating. I'm like, okay, what happened to the truck driver? Did we drop him altogether?
Yeah. I, I, you know, he, he has to understand that he's not emotionally available.
Many times we talk about it and we have a way where he started in the end, where he starts
saying that I need to be patient. And I didn't like that. I think he was trying to cultivate
me to become, you know, because just like you said, you said it and I'm telling you,
you're worth so on point and I know exactly that's what, and I told him, I said, you're trying to
cultivate me because he doesn't know what I've done. I've waited 18 years for my husband to come
until, and, you know, he didn't come home through the front door and came home in a
different place. And I don't want to go back.
that. In that he wasn't, he didn't even try to be what he
taught. That's how he does it. You know, he likes to just rest
for two days. And then no, we can't do that. That's not what
we do. And saying that if we're not in coaching, and coaching is
so amazing in this place that we could have just picked on that
and maybe think something of it, but I could not want something
like that. You know, I need someone who's around.
Yeah.
Felicia, unmute yourself. I had to mute everybody to mute one
person. Sorry.
Okay, sorry. Yes. So I let him know that he's not emotionally
available. I wish he could take that as you know, someone who's
seen it because when I asked him one question, I said, what is
one of the hardest thing a woman has to deal with you with? And
he said, his son. And I said, I don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. What is the one here? Exactly what it is you
know, he thinks you need to skirt around his schedule and
wait on him when he's ready to work like that.
Right. Well, that's good. I'm glad that that's ended. Yeah.
Yeah. But you know, one thing about it, I believe this when we
when we get rid of what isn't best for us when we take a
pain when we notice that someone is not serving our life
life best, especially in dating, and you drop that one, it just
keeps getting better and better.
Exactly.
Kind of like when you if you've ever sold insurance or sold
something, the more nose you get, the closer to the yes, you
get. It's like the more you start shaving back like, oh,
yeah, this isn't serving me. If you hold on out of a scarcity
mentality, you keep getting toxicity, you you keep lip
dealing in there and then you kind of emotionally tied up in
it. But when you just go ahead and sweep it to the side and
say, hey, this isn't serving me best, then something else comes
or something else coming something about on that dating
train. It's like once one break or once one pop happens, it
kind of flows. Now I know something can happen and shit
like nothing for crickets for a while. But it seems like it
gains a momentum. And then something just keeps operating.
And so there is a momentum that does happen in dating. And so
I'm excited for you, Felicia. And I'm so glad that you
scooted him to the side. But I'm glad that he also was one he was
a person that came along and broke you open and dating like
got the ball rolling for you. Everything every person we meet
serves us because it's the journey that we're on in the
journey always tells us something about ourself.
Right, right. That's good. One thing I realized, though, is
that I don't know if it's something that I need to deal
with that I'm finding that the closer they get to a memory, I
don't want that memory. I realized that they just phase
themselves out easily. I don't never had to tell anyone really.
They just honestly face themselves. They realize that,
you know, that's not what I want. That's not what I'm going
to find. And very nicely, they just like, you know, just phase
themselves out. You know, I don't know if that's something
that I should look into, because I do see a familiar pattern that
just, you know, keep coming up. And I really don't want that,
you know, like with the guy who lost his mom and, you know, you
know, he's, he's not well, he's not well to me, but he snapped
the other day. And I said to him, I said, Hey, you're
snapping. And you know, you know, what was that? And he
said, Well, another woman had told me that I was not ready
for a relationship. And he think I was saying that to him,
because I was telling that I'm going to just continue working
through my healing. And I think that's what I need to do. And
I'm so grateful. He's doing the same thing. And that's, you
know, that's a great choice we make in getting counseling and
getting help with his grief. And then he snapped. And I said,
you're snapping. Why are you snapping? But he thought I was
rejecting him. Maybe that's what he thought.
Right.
Well, you handle that well.
Yeah.
So I'll let you know, update you more about this. And I'll
continue.
You know, okay, sounds good.
Thank you. I'm so grateful for your priors. So grateful for
your coaching. I get to always experience what you teach. I
don't know why I just always experience exactly what you
teach me. And I'm excited about it.
Yeah, I'm excited, too. Hey, Jesus. Yeah, that's awesome.
Susan, is this my first time meeting you?
Yes, it's my first time on here.
Welcome. We're so
Happy to have you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
How long have you been in phase two?
I just like this week.
Yeah.
I watched her dating one on one video already.
Yeah.
Well, look, we're so happy to do this part of the journey with you.
We truly are.
I want you to know that as an organization, as a ministry, that we're praying for your
success and we're so excited for what heaven is doing in your life.
And so thank you for trusting us as a safe place and allowing us to do this journey with
you.
Oh, thank you, Ebony.
You're so sweet.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
What you got?
Um, okay.
So.
Bear with me.
Hopefully I don't look crazy.
I just got home from a chemical appeal.
My face isn't all red and weird, but, um, no, I, I went on a date like two weeks ago
with a guy from hinge, um, and it went really well.
We were, we ended up staying for like three hours and he was like, you're the prettier
in person and your smile, like you're authentic and you're just, your spirit radiates out
of your smile.
And he was just giving me all these compliments.
Like it wasn't love feeling it.
And he, he mentioned, um, he's like, we were talking about what types of food we like.
And then I said, I like Thai food and he's like, okay, well, we'll do Thai food next
date.
And he's like, what are you free next Wednesday or Thursday?
And I said, yeah, I think next Wednesday would be a better day, but we didn't like really
set it in stone.
And then we just kept talking and then anyway, but I had it in my head that it was going
to happen.
And then, um, I had company coming into town right after that.
So he's like, well, I'll try not to bother you too much, but I'll just message you and
say hi.
So you'd like text me every day and just say, good morning.
How was, how are you?
How's your company?
You know?
So most days he texts me or every other day, but he hasn't mentioned like going out again.
And so I was like a little bit disappointed, but then I was just kind of confused and now
I'm just annoyed.
Um, but so how does that work?
I was listening to Jackie's dating one Oh one.
And I think she said like, help him out.
Maybe some men aren't good at it by the third or fourth date.
But I'm like, what about the second date?
Cause he was really good at just like from the app.
Hey, let's, you know, uh, I, I have another coach that I had been working with before
and she taught me on dating apps.
Like she, she would only go three back and forth and then she'd say, I'd like to hear
your voice or I'm not a text or I'd like to have a voice to voice connection.
If I give you my number, will you call me?
So I do that on all apps.
Like I get to the point.
And so he was instantly like, okay, yeah, I'll call you at 6 PM tomorrow.
Then we did the FaceTime.
Then he asked me on the date on the FaceTime.
So he has like the, I don't know if he's just been busy, but I just didn't know if you had
advice on how to navigate it or do I just keep, I guess, waiting.
How long has it been since the last date?
The first date was two weeks ago tomorrow.
Oh, and last week he said that y'all were going to go get Ty.
Yeah.
That's what he had said, but then he never brought it up.
Right.
He was really excited when he probably said it.
Do you want to go out with him?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm open to go out again with him.
So now I can't figure out what could happen.
Like he could be broke.
He could not have the money.
That's a real thing.
He could be waiting until he gets paid.
He could also be entertaining other women because y'all are dating, you know, people
are getting to know each other and spend what money he had.
It didn't work out like he wanted to.
He did want to go out, you know, all of those things are possibilities.
But if you would like to go out on a date, say, Hey, I know we mentioned a couple of
weeks ago us hanging back, us, you know, hanging back out again.
Let me know when you're interested in doing that so that I can, so that I can get the
date on the calendar, you know?
So I know that we talked about this.
I'm very much interested in us going back out again.
Let me know when you would like to do this so I can put a date on the calendar.
Okay.
Now, so that means you re-introduced it to him again, and now the ball is completely
in his court.
And if you don't see any traction on that in two weeks, you know, he still wants to
talk consistently or text.
If he still wants to do that, but y'all haven't in another week or so, you know, you're not
looking for a texting partner or pen pal.
Right.
Then you'll know how to make decisions from there.
Okay.
So my other question is, yeah, I like his politics.
fix. He's very fit, very good looking. He had Christian on his
thing. So we're on the date and I'm like, really feeling it. And
then I say so you have Christian comma spiritual. What does that
mean to you? So he says, Well, I grew up my mom was Baptist
Christian. My dad was Jehovah's Witness as a child. I was
confused. Oh, I'm like, I just felt myself like, ah, like it
plated. And I'm like, Okay, and then he said, But I have been
thinking about seeking and getting involved in church
lately. And I'm like, Well, that's good to hear. Because
that's a deal breaker for me. I said, But you know, I want you
to seek for you. And then I did share like about our church. And
he said, like the pastor growing up just like screamed too much.
And he's like, I just want someone to talk calm and
whatever. And so what, what is? What's the advice there? Like,
because normally for me, I'd be like, Oh, no, done. Like, I'm
very, like picky if they're not a Christian. I'm just like, Oh,
nevermind. But I'm trying to be a little bit more open minded or
a little bit like more chill, like, okay, like God work. He
said he's interested. He asked me to send a sermon of our
church to him. So I sent that to him last week. Any comments
on that?
I think that you can definitely if you want to continue to get
to know him. But I think that you should be sure that you're
squashing some expectation of him to be something then that
he's not. He is a pre believer, at best. And that's just who he
is. And that's where he is. And he's completely he has the right
to be that person. And so what can happen is I really like him,
but I need him to pick up on this Jesus thing. I need him to
pick up on this church thing. I sent him a video. He didn't say
nothing about it. He's gonna have to get that part together
if I'm going to be with them. Right? Do you hear that? Like
that thing? I mean, he's gonna have to get that together. No.
So you have to keep this really straight and see him for who he
is and where he is not for some potential because he asked you
told him about your church and he says he want to know more
about God. Really, we have to understand our own spiritual
journey. Be aware of your growth with the Father. Be aware of
your yeses to God. Be aware of how long it took you to operate
in one area or another and how completely free will the Father
is with us in the area. So um, yeah, so he's definitely a good
to go to like, get to know to, you know, just dating. Um, but I
don't know what type of level of believer you're looking for. Um,
when you're talking about a spouse, but he's definitely good
to go to date and get to know. And I don't know what all things
you may find out about him that may speak to his character and
and, you know, a whole lot of other core things, right? Um,
because, you know, you I don't know, you know, what you're
looking for, but just keep keep your eyesight rightly on who he
is and where he is in the area.
Okay. Yeah. I mean, I didn't know if I should have just been
like, okay, well, call me when you are saved. You know, like, I
didn't know how to
if you were trying to pick him for a husband, there's
different. A husband is mature, masculine, masculine, mature,
and marriage minded. Okay, we're evaluating a man for a date. I'm
not evaluating him for your husband. Okay, you need to
should you evaluate him as a husband, unless you get to know
him more, he actually starts carrying some qualities that
make him look mature, marriage minded and masculine. Any mature
man is going to have some level of relationship spiritually with
Father God, because you you don't you need someone to lead
you. Spiritually, that's that's what you're in the kingdom of
God. So your husband is going to, you know, be a priest of
the home. He has a position as the as the man and you have a
position as the woman. And so I'm not measuring him by those
core things are measuring him by you getting to know him. Okay.
And so so they kind of changes. Okay, I gotcha. He's very
masculine. He's very, he seems so far to have good character.
He's a police officer. He does a lot of like, reading and self
help, but we'll see. I'm not keeping my options closed. I
have a whole other. I have a whole other roster I'm talking
to.
Right? You got a roll of dicks. And, and I like what you say he
because the truth is, a lot of times, all times we don't know a
person.
because we just don't know them.
We've seen some glimpses of some things,
but it's through observation and time
that we really get to know them.
So we know that he likes to read self-help.
So that means that he's aware of himself
and he wants to improve himself.
And so that does speak something about him as an individual
that he will get the resources he needs
to help himself grow.
And I think that's something that's worth noting.
You know?
Yeah, and he said he's reading a book right now
about women and understanding and how like,
if we have a fight that, you know,
the woman wants you to come after her
if she storms out the room.
So he's like trying to learn, which is good.
Yeah.
So, okay.
Yeah, I think those were,
I think that answers my questions.
Well, good.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, Kim.
Hello?
Hey, I'm sorry, not Kim.
Wait, Kim.
I'm sorry.
Oh, we're going the other way.
That's all right.
I skipped Heather.
Heather, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
I'm good with that.
I'm coming right back, Kim.
I'm coming right back.
Heather.
Hi.
Hey.
So I don't typically share.
I appreciate everything.
Guys, thank you so much for what you've been sharing.
I've just been listening in for weeks
and really appreciate hearing all of the advice.
So just been a sponge and absorbing it,
but kind of my like little journey
and praises and I guess confession in this as well
is that I've been,
God has been talking to me through the process,
which I've been really appreciating.
And there's been little things,
whether it's been a change in position at work.
So I have more free time.
So it's allowed me to get out of kind of a toxic situation
with a coworker and working through forgiveness
for a couple of those coworkers
and like losing my voice and finding that again.
And so like all of that's been great and helpful.
And I have a game night that,
sorry, I've got a cat on me.
And I've got a game night that it has two married couples
and one single man that's in that group.
And just seeing those three be servant leaders
and like loving sacrificially
has been one of those like sweet redeeming moments
that I was just like, God, like that's really great.
Thank you for showing me that.
Or even just some other things of like,
do I really want to like,
I've wanted to be a wife and a mom for so long,
but it hasn't happened.
And is this something that I really want
or is it just something that I'm supposed to want?
And I've just kind of been like thinking about it.
And I sat in that for a weekend
and it's very hard for me to like sit still
and not do anything.
And I woke up, I prayed about that all weekend
and I woke up Monday morning
and my second thought in the morning past, thank you,
was, hey, you wanted to hike on the Appalachian Trail
for 20 years.
Like I wanted to do the whole thing.
We're sticking with sections at this point,
but the whole thing.
And I finally got to do that this year.
It was just like four days.
I know, so great.
And by the time I got off the trail,
I was like, okay, how can I do this for like two weeks
and even go even longer and everything else.
And it's like, yeah, I've wanted to do this for so long.
The trip itself wasn't, any part of it was like,
none of it was ideal.
It rained, like we just,
we didn't hit where we were trying to go.
Like it was a mess and it was such a learning opportunity.
And again, by day three, we're like,
let's try to go for two weeks next year.
And it's like, yeah, that was again,
one of those like big dreams.
And so it was being married and being a mom and all of that.
And so there's just been like really sweet moments
along the way that he's been talking to me
through some things and even looking at buying a house.
I thought about buying a house here recently
and this looked like Snow White's before pictures.
I mean, it was a dilapidated little cottage
with like roots growing into,
like vines growing into the house and water damage.
And I'm like, I can fix this.
And I realized just how isolating
and how much of a distraction that was gonna be.
And they're like, he talked to me
through the lesson I was teaching in Sunday school
and a note card that a friend gave me like shortly after.
And I was just like, again, God, thank you
for showing me some of these distractions.
So he is talking.
However, I just realized why October 16th
sounds so familiar to me.
And it's gonna be 18 years
since I've been in a committed relationship,
since I've had a boyfriend on Thursday.
And I'm like, I'm not okay with my single life
being able to buy lottery tickets.
And so that was just something that has really,
I'm like, that's been too long.
I've been on the apps, but I haven't like,
I'm on it, but I don't get on it.
on it and I've just been like so hesitant and I've been pouting like a toddler because
this wasn't the way I thought it was going to go.
And I know we all say it and, and it's just, I'm like, I don't, I don't like it.
And then the confession is there is a guy who has been in my three of my social groups
for the last three years, three of them, friend of a friend, like two friends of friends is
I tried to like get them to get social and like help us get to know each other a little
better and, and nothing like happened.
And finally he was kind of getting a little flirty.
There's some things there.
And so I, I read Ruth and I Ruth did up and I asked him out and I just said something
to the effect of like, Hey, this has been a minute, but I was like, Hey, I think you're
pretty awesome.
I'd like to get to know or like to be intentional about getting to know you a little bit better.
Would you like to go on a date with me?
And that went from a yes to a coffee to a no.
And, and so it was just like, okay, like, thank you.
Cause he was like, I don't, he didn't, I don't want to lead you on.
I don't know if there's anything I've done that is like, need you like kind of think
that way, but I just want to be like really honest with you.
I don't see you that way.
And it just, I don't want to, but then we'd like kept talking and Oh yeah, we're still
in friend groups.
So that would have been like November, probably October, November, two years ago.
Fast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So fast forward, here's the funny part.
Fast forward to may the following year, I changed positions.
One of our mutual friends who didn't really know that we were like, well acquainted, like
acquainted was like, Hey, my wife and I got married later in life.
And we had families when we were single that just like kind of brought us into their homes,
did life with them and, and had game nights.
So my wife and I, every Monday nights, you know, dinner at five 30, we put the kids down
and then game night.
And the only other person that's going to this is that guy.
And so for a year, Ebony, I, and I was like, Oh God, you have such a sense of humor because
I was trying to manufacture this for like over a year.
And then I just like went, well, I shot my shot and balls in his court.
If there's ever a change of heart, it has to be on his end.
So we've been doing that for over a year now.
And there's part of me that is like, there's so many wonderful things.
Like I've, I knew some stuff about it beforehand.
I've been able to do life with him for the last year on this like weekly basis.
And I'm like, just wake up and see me like, what is your like?
And so I've pouted about that too, a little bit where I'm like, I've let it go, but I'm
just a little like grumpy towards that, where I'm like, what is it?
So anyways, that's all of my, I, I know that it really just boils down to suck it up, buttercup
and get out there.
You're going to have to take, you're going to have to get off the bench and take some
practice swings.
But I just, I have felt a drift in, in a lot of things.
I know that the summer is usually a time that in general, just with my work schedule and
everything else, it's a time for recovery.
And I kind of take my foot off the gas with a lot of things.
And even just like, I listen and I tune into all this stuff, but even just like engaging,
having my camera on, sitting still and having my camera on have all been like, I was like,
no, today we're going to make a change today.
So anyways, that's where I am.
Any pearls of wisdom are wonderful.
That was a lot.
Oh, somehow.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
How did I, I was on mute.
No, you had a backlog.
That's all there was.
You just had to catch us up.
Bring me up to speed.
Oh yes.
Suck it up buttercup.
One thing that I've learned, and I was sharing this with, I think with another coach,
when you don't do nothing, you'd be amazed at how much time flies.
When you start putting your, you can easily put your hand to something else and get busy
doing something else.
And before you know it, the months and the years will roll by you.
And even, you know, what you do in life with this guy in the group, like that could have
been very much a distraction from you doing something else.
Cause it's like, oh, well we're getting to know each other this way.
And maybe some hope that he will come around and just see you.
But listen, I'm going to tell you something.
In the beginning, when God brought the animals before Adam, he named them.
And the Bible says that he still did not find one comparable to him.
And when a man looks at you and he can't name you white, then he is not the one for you.
Just like you get to look at things and name them.
Do you understand?
And so if he doesn't see you as white, then he does not see you as white.
He does not see you as white.
Then buttercup has to move along.
Right?
But we don't want to shake him and be like, see me.
When Adam saw Eve, he said, I know you.
You're bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
You were me.
And so I think that, and I'm not doubling back on that.
I know you're not carrying anything with it.
But I can see how doing it that year, it kind of felt like,
OK, they brought me in.
Now this guy's coming.
And it could seem like something was going.
And I couldn't blame you for feeling like that
or even thinking that, right?
But and I don't know what's going to come up there,
if something or not.
And I know you're not saying that one way or the other.
But I do believe that as you start to date, get out there.
Get things moving in your life.
Get something activated.
Just do it.
Because the longer you don't do it,
it's just the longer you don't do it,
and time just keeps passing you by.
And so I do want to encourage you to do that, Heather.
No matter, just do it to get things moving in your dating
life.
Yeah.
I think it'll be really good for you.
It's going to give you an opportunity
to work out some hesitations, some fears, some concerns.
Things are going to be triggered that you didn't expect when
you haven't dated in 18 years, right?
So think about how much teaching you've
gotten on marriage, what makes a good relationship,
and how you feel like, yeah, I'm ready to go.
But you never tested it on anyone.
Yeah.
Nobody has come close enough to your heart to trigger you.
The thing about dating is a man, a potential person,
triggers you differently than I would trigger you,
than anybody else would trigger you.
Because you like them, and now you
risk rejection or them coming into spaces
that you had warded out, right?
And one pastor said this, and it's so funny.
He said, all the women could look at another woman
and talk about her if she's dating and falls
in sleep with someone because they
don't have the temptation.
Yeah.
They don't have a temptation.
Nothing's testing you.
And so you've not had to exercise any muscles.
That's just an example.
We don't have to exercise when we want to over-talk
or when we want to do this or we want to.
So you start working all of these muscles,
and all this fear starts coming up.
And what if this?
And then what if that?
And so it just opens up a whole new world.
And it's really good for you, Heather,
because I'm excited for you to do that.
Because literally, dating changed me.
This phase changed my life.
It changed me as a woman.
You keep saying that, and I love that because that's
so encouraging to me.
Because really, right now, I'm like, ugh.
It just feels intimidating.
And I know it shouldn't be because you've
said it a million times.
You don't have skin in the game.
So take the practice swings.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You have to make moves.
And that's something that, in all of his wonderful wisdom,
it's like, yeah, I'm good at being single.
I've got a pretty nice life.
I don't need one.
I would like a good team captain.
I want to be a mom.
I want to be a wife.
Because right now, I'm very safe.
I'm very safe, but I'm also very stagnant.
And there aren't any risks being taken.
And when I have gotten up, I saw a cute boy as chatty as I am.
I become so quiet.
I don't know if it's because I'm just
like scared I'm going to say something dumb,
so I just don't say anything at all.
Or I run.
So those are the two things that, over the last couple
of years, I've been able to identify and go, oh my gosh.
Fight or flight kicks in, and I fly.
And then when I do stand there, I'm
like, I need something to talk about.
Which, again, I very rarely have that issue.
So again, like you said, it's those muscles
and not wanting to hide.
Oh, yeah.
And this, I've always shared, it was very intimidating for me.
I had Jackie as a coach, and she was just like, do it.
Like, there's like with her, you listen to Jackie.
She's like, well, you need to get out there and do it.
And you were like, OK, OK, can I do it?
And like, she's not cutting no corners with you.
It's just like, do it.
And eventually, one day, the do it hit me.
Like, do it.
I didn't want to put my picture.
Everything y'all have said, I said.
I don't want to put my picture on no dating app
so people could look at me and judge me.
So the truth was, I was insecure about me.
And a lot of times, we don't want to deal with the truth
about us as women, that we're insecure about the way we look.
We're insecure about our size.
So what we say is, well, I don't want anybody judging me.
I don't want somebody looking at my picture.
You don't want to be rejected.
That's what you don't want to be.
And the sooner we are real with ourself about where we are,
we can realize that we're human.
This is a human thing.
It's not just a you thing.
It's a human thing.
And so I had to get past all that.
all of those things, right?
And then it's like, oh, and then here comes all the weirdos
and bozos and you think to yourself,
why do you even think I would talk to you?
So I took it personal.
I took it personal.
Oh, would you be able to say, hey, beautiful?
I'm like, oh no, he didn't speak to me that way.
When I find out that if a man thinks a woman is beautiful,
he's gonna call her beautiful, but we get so offended.
Yeah, oh, he wants my number way too fast.
I do not know him.
I feel unsafe.
Like, no, I'm just gonna bless and block him.
Like I went through everything, I've heard it all.
I've heard it with God.
I believe God this and I believe God that.
Like everything, the book against the order of,
it's like, I've said it all.
So Heather, what I'm saying, it is intimidating
and it is scary and then for some people,
it may be easier to do some things,
but for the same people that some things are easier to do,
there are other parts that we do easier
and it's hard for them.
And so I really like, I also wanna say this.
I really like the way you did a couple of years ago
when you say you just went up to him and was like,
hey, do you wanna da, da, da, da, da, da, da?
I think you should carry this with you
on your dating journey.
In a week, you need to be meeting up for coffee.
Don't be texting somebody for a very long time.
Use that same little that you got in you there to go.
If you're gonna be on there, say, I'm going for the dates.
Okay.
Yay.
You need to post when you get your first date
because it won't be long before you get one.
Okay, I appreciate the encouragement.
And ladies, I see the chat.
Thank you guys so much.
I hate it.
Kim, tell us girl, tell us all about it.
Well, okay, so I didn't get to talk today at 12
and so I did post.
I just saw that Carla responded,
but she told me, she goes,
see if you can talk to Ebony about this.
But okay, so, all right,
I had the seventh date with the older guy.
And I mean, so far everything's been great,
but I guess we came back after dinner to my house
and we watched a little bit of television
and he kind of put his arm around me
and this is the first time I've noticed this
and it's kind of weird to say,
but I feel like I'm being judgmental,
but I just got a whiff of body odor
and I was like, oh no, oh no.
So then, so now that's been in my head
and I'm like, okay, I need to give him grace,
but at the same time I'm like,
and then I don't know,
I had a friend say, oh no, and this is so mean.
She goes, not old man smell.
And I go, no, don't say that, don't say that.
Cause like there's such a thing as old lady smell too,
but I just don't, you know, it's like, no,
but you know, but smells and stuff.
Like I noticed when we went to dinner,
I didn't smell it and he smelled good.
But then when we got back,
I don't know if he's sweating cause he's nervous
or I don't know what's going on,
but anyway, so that was that.
But my other thing is, so I don't know,
there was really nobody coming on the dating apps
that I was really that interested in.
So I was just kind of focusing in
because he's so good
and has so many of the fruits of the spirit,
but, and I didn't talk to him that night
about going to my church,
but I did ask him if we could pray
when we ate on his patio
and we prayed together before the meal
and he did with me, which was exciting,
but I didn't go to the next step.
And I think I'm holding back
cause I'm a little bit like,
if I invite him to my church,
it's really kind of getting serious.
So, but then I do want to know,
I need to know, cause like I said, he's Catholic
and I just don't know where he is with,
he doesn't like, he doesn't go to church
cause he doesn't like mass,
he doesn't get anything out of it.
And he told me his granddaughter
goes to a non-denominational church
and she's loving it.
So I don't, I just don't know like where he is
and that's what I get worried about.
Like you said, I mean, I do kind of had pictured
if I have a husband,
he's going to be the spiritual leader
of the family type of thing.
And, you know, and now I'm like,
am I going to be the one leading him in that direction?
Like, I don't know.
So I've got, so now I've got questions.
Now I'm starting to doubt.
Now I'm starting to wonder.
And I haven't gotten a no from the Lord.
So, you know, it's a yes until it's a no.
So he's asked me to go,
he made a plan for us to do something on Thursday.
And I don't know, like,
there was a 63 year old guy on the app
that he kind of fell off.
Well, he's back and now he wants to meet me.
And now I'm like, but now I feel like I'm,
I feel guilty.
Cause like, it's hard to date more.
one person. I don't know, I've always found it hard. But then
again, it hurt me in the past, because I've tend to settle, I
get into something. And then I just settle. And I don't want to
do that either. So I don't know. So now I don't know. And I
don't know if I should be back there on the dating apps
looking. I just don't know what to do. I just feel like I'm at a
place, right? Because I don't want to keep this going. I don't
want to hurt him in any way. He's a great guy. Yeah. And I do
still like him, though. I don't I just don't know what to do. I
Okay, yeah, I'd be happy to help you with it. And so what you
want to do is have conversations, you want to talk
to him about what does he believe spiritually, and you
want to share what's important to you in that way. You also
want to share with him, um, the concerns you have that, hey,
we've been on seven dates. I am seven, right? Y'all have been
dating a pretty good here. Y'all haven't made anything exclusive.
Um, but that's because he hasn't asked yet. And you're not going
to just slide into it. So when you say all I want to date
anybody, you know, I don't want to hurt him. It's as if you're
committed to him. And he's never asked you to be in the exclusive
relationship with him. I mean, he he's not dating anyone else
that he got off the dating app. So I but he's but he we haven't
talked to exclusivity. And you're gonna have to be asked to go
exclusive. That's how it works. Okay. Okay. That's just the way
it is. You get you asked for commitment. You don't just get
commitment. Right. And so, um, what I'm saying is like real
conversations, like, where are you spiritually? So you don't
have to let me clear this up. So when we say, am I gonna have to
be the one to lead spiritually? You don't have to be what you
want is a righteous man. Right? You're not his you don't want to
be his pastor. So he you don't, I think sometimes we believe my
husband has to be this so he can teach me the word. So he can
teach me this, but you may not be saying that. But he doesn't
have to teach you to lead spiritually. But he does have to
be in relationship with Christ. You would like him to know how
to pray. If you want your deathbed, you do want a husband
that can go to the father and believe on your behalf to get
you well and whole, like those are some solid things that you
want. Right? So like he has to be a man of God. He has to be
righteous. That's a foundational. That's a non
negotiable. So your conversation is based on that you, you don't,
I don't want you to say, well, I'm going to have to be the one
to lead. That doesn't mean that you're leading because he's not
where you are spiritually, because if he's committed to
righteousness, you all are going to sit under a leader.
That's going to help you both grow in the things of God.
They're going to be main groups that he's going to be a part of
possibly they're going to be things going on functioning
within the body of Christ that you're a part of that helps you
both to grow and put you both in your proper lane. And so the
question then becomes, does he understand the order of man in
kingdom that this is the order of things, right? And so I just
want to make it clear about spirit. You still don't ever
have to be the spiritual leader. You can be stronger in things
that he is, but it doesn't mean that that man won't carry some
balance. We just don't know what that is. And so I'm saying
that there's one side, then I want to say this, you just have
to have a conversation with him. If he can come to your house
and put his arm around you and have a slightly put his arm
around you and watch something in your home with you, then you
can have a spiritual conversation with him at this
point. Because y'all are seven days in and y'all are really far
in and some of the things that you feel, some of the guilt that
you may be experiencing because you know, he's investing his
time. You know that he likes you and you honor him as a person.
You appreciate him. That's who you are. That's your heart Kim
and that is a natural response to goodness, right? And so that
means that you have a conversation with him because
you do honor him because you do respect him. And then you ask
where is his faith? What does he believe in? And you can tell
him the desires you have for your life. You can share with
him like that. Hey, I'm enjoying getting to know you, but I am
struggling with the age difference. I don't know what
that would look like because this is the desire that I had
and I'm nervous about that. You can't do anything about, I'm
just going to give him a name. Like John, you can't do anything
about this, but I want you to know where I am because we are
getting to know each other and I'm enjoying getting to know
you and I know that you're investing in me. Right, that
was what honorable conversations look like, especially
at this point. And then you know, you want the man to lead
an exclusive conversation, but you can say, I don't know where
this is going, but I don't want us to go here without
understanding.
this. That's that's good. Okay. Mm-hmm. And so then like so the other guy has come back
you may feel a look now. He's not on dating apps. That's his style. That's how he prefers
to do it. This he's an older man. He's seen the woman that he wants in a man's mind. I
found the woman I want. They're not like women in that way. If a man wants you that's one
thing. This is the truth. You're gonna know it. You're gonna know what a man wants you.
You ain't gonna be confused about it because he's gonna show up like he wants you and he's
gonna put his attention and focus on you. And he knows that he could lose. Men are built
to carry stuff like this. They're built to go and get the woman they want. A woman is
built to reciprocate. That's her feminine order. When a man pours into her she pours
something back out of her out of herself to him. If he pours in anger and wrath she's
gonna give it back to him. He give that woman hell she gonna give it back to him double.
But he sows goodness and love and kindness in her unless she's just jacked up. She reciprocates
that back. She produces that back out to him. And so he's doing what a man does Ken. Right?
You could always you could say when you have a talk with him make a list of the things
you want to discuss. Say I know that you're not on dating apps but it doesn't make me
closed after seeing other people. If you want to say that you don't have to say that but
if it makes you feel better you can say well I'm not seeing anybody right now. You can
go through all of this deal if you want or you don't have to do it at all. This guy that's
came in the picture if you want to get to know him go out on a date with him I don't
think it'll cost you much to go out on a date with him. Just to see. Have another date.
You can have options. Another thing that I want to add is you know you can a man can
take a bath. He can clean his teeth and you can get him some nice clothes.
He dresses really nice and he's I've never had it before in the seven days. This is the
only time. Yeah. And I you know maybe it was just a one time thing. Maybe he forgot to
put deodorant on that night. I don't know. But maybe you should have told him. I think
I like to normalize stuff. But I'm just saying it to the ladies too. Like there's some things
about me if they're worth it. If it's something about them and you notice their breath or
something you can offer them a mint or gum or if it's persistent you may need to have
a conversation with. I'm talking about now she's pretty good date scene. Like they've
been talking for a while. So this is not you know at the beginning. So they've been in
this for a while. So you know some things can definitely be fixed up for sure. So I
hope I addressed everything. But I think you will really enjoy having that conversation
with him. He's an honorable man. He's a good man and you're an honorable woman and a good
woman. And I just think you would enjoy developing that friendship with him. Like that's what
I'm going to go in on the next one because we're walking at a botanical garden. So we'll
just be the two of us. There'll be a good opportunity to talk. So that'll be right.
You must be speaking in case you get must again. Here I brought deodorant in case you
forgot yours. I need a refresh to you. I know that you've been forgetting your deodorant
lately. What's this Old Spice. Old Spice. All right. Thanks Stephanie. Thanks for keeping
it light too. You're welcome. Okay. We got Vern, Hilda and Joanne and Dee just came in
the room and guess what we got. Five minutes. It is 18. Now everybody get in their mind
what they're going to say. Okay. You got it. You take one minute. I take one minute. Let's
go. Let's try this. Go Vern. Okay. I just wanted to say to God that I was trying to
get to know he was a joker and he well no he was actually a scammer and he I had met
him on Christian Cupid and yeah so we talked for about a week but then I had already started
noticing I noticed some things from the beginning but however one night I was like waking up
out of my sleep where I was like okay Lord I got it. Okay I know I know I know I know
let it go. So the very next day I'm speeding it up. I'll leave something out but he would
always tell me you know about his mom and his daughter because he say his wife had died
right. But anyway so.
The last time I talked to him was when I was awake
and in the middle of the, in the 40 in the morning.
And I was like, okay, okay, okay.
I know, I know.
Let me get rid of, let me get rid of him.
But I listened to him that day.
And he was talking, he told me his daughter's birthday
was gonna be on the 10th of this month.
And so he was like, you know what, sweetheart?
What would really be, God, I already told him,
stop, don't be calling me, no, don't, don't, no.
But anyway, so he said, my daughter's birthday is coming up
and it would be really good for you to,
you and her to get to know each other,
you know, to get her a gift, right?
And so right before that, he said he had talked to his mom,
told his mom about us.
And I wanna really know if you're really into this.
And I know I told you to be about December
when I'm retiring, I'm gonna come to Georgia
and meet you and all of that
and for us to get together and all of that.
But anyway, so when he told me about this gift
and I was like, so I think that could be nice,
but what do you, what is it that she have in mind?
And so he was like, well, she would like a Apple phone,
And I'm like, sir, are you talking about an Apple?
I say, I don't even, I say, I don't even buy my own phone.
I say, but I don't know a whole lot about Apple phone,
but what I do know, I was like,
don't them things cost like $1,700 to $2,000 or whatever?
And he was like, but that would really let her know
how much you know that,
cause you gotta be her new mom and everything
and you get that for her.
That would just draw, and I was like,
let me tell you something, Heidi,
you got the wrong one on that
because it is no way I would be buying.
And I was like, let me ask you a question.
I said, you sent me a picture,
some pictures of you and your daughter.
And I was like, now I saw a phone in her hand.
He said, oh, she had lost that phone
and that's why she wanted a new one.
I was like, oh, no, buddy boy, that is not gonna happen.
That just will not be happening.
I would not be giving anybody any,
I would not be buying a phone.
But I did notice when I was talking to him real quick
that in the background, he would always mute.
And when he come off a mute,
I can hear this stuff in the background.
And in my mind, I could hear this,
but in my mind I'm visualizing,
he's sitting in this room where, you know,
just a lot of chatting and talking going on or whatever.
And I remember seeing something on Facebook one time
where this guy gave a testimony
and he was telling about how he used to scam people.
He was from Africa.
He used to scam people and all of the things that they do.
And he said, they will either start asking you
for money or gifts.
And he said, they sit in a room
and all they're doing is talking to people all the time.
And so he said something, he said,
and they'll start asking you, he say,
for all kind of gifts, expenses, gifts.
And he said, Apple, and he said, Apple phone.
That's, I already knew already
that he was doing some things,
but I just wanted to share that with y'all
because just because they on a Christian network
doesn't necessarily mean
that they're not trying to scam.
Because, yeah, so I just wanted to share that.
But, you know, I was always keeping somebody
that's talking to him.
I just haven't gotten a real date just yet.
But I'm very happy about it.
Somebody said, was it like a call center?
I can hear like noise in the background, yes.
Kind of, yeah, I can just hear noise in the background.
He would always put me on mute
and then it would always say rerouting
when he'd come back on or it would hang up or whatever.
And I asked him one day and I was like,
why does your phone do that all the time?
And then, you know, the time that he would be calling me
and all of that.
But I put it all together because I was like,
I don't need to be trying to figure this out.
Holy Spirit, I know this is not it.
You ain't even gotta, you don't even have to tell me
because I was waking up in the middle of the night
like, oh no, cut that out right now.
Yeah, so, but anyway, you know, I still,
I have guys that I'd be still holding conversations with
and, you know, after that, I'm still getting,
I mean, I'm still getting messages from people,
but yeah, I just wanted to share that.
Yes, he was a joker and he was a scammer
and I blocked him and everything.
I just cut it.
Just cut it out.
Yeah, that's so good.
You're right, Marn.
I wasn't really worried about you getting scammed no way.
Even if you were, what?
Look, you ain't getting nobody like that.
You ain't getting no money like, no way, no way.
I said, you got the wrong one.
So I went on and got, okay, thanks.
Thank you for the update.
It's so good to hear from you.
Hilda, where did Hilda go?
Is she gone?
I ain't heard from Hilda.
I'm here, I'm here for you.
Did you change your mind?
I'll just, quick question.
Just what strategies are the ladies
that are using now for to-
like finding what what what um app are they finding more success in um as far as like men like
replying and just because i'm using upward and i think i'm using i forgot what the other one was
just they're both christian sites but there's no there's no momentum there's just like they swipe
and then there i sent the message and then there's no response and so i'm trying to like
not spend a whole lot of time every day but i do check in i am but uh i don't know it's just
it's just i don't know it's getting kind of tedious and i don't know i don't want to waste
my time in there if there's other ones that are better i know there's other ones but
just wanted to check with people that are already actually using it
yeah ladies if you would drop something in the chat now to you uh the one you named
um they're dropping them in the chat so if you check it out here um the what which one did you
just name what did you say your night like your message and some something
upward oh i never do you hear me i never do well with holy i mean not holy crap upward
i'm always scammers and i'm just telling you my experience it has always been that way i have a
friend who does so good with upward but it has always been horrible for me don't have many likes
even if i like somebody they don't ever respond back scammers some you know always want to go to
whatsapp to talk it's just always scams and always not a lot of looks i just want you to know for me
it wasn't good it didn't serve me well it never has for years it never has i don't know what's
up with it okay all right and then i'm just so um we got the chat uh yes upward is rough
upward is horrible oh it's called meet my age facebook i um i don't know i didn't find anything
in facebook well try again uh two of my friends met their husbands on upward okay um bumble
is left christian cafe i haven't tried that i can try that um that's about it then i guess right
i've heard some ladies say coffee meets bagel or bagel meat coffee or somebody
um a lot of people try hinge i've not heard a lot of bad things about hinge
um yeah i have hinge it's kind of been slow too on hinge too just kind of like i'm just like
i was wondering if there was any like message that you initially sent i've been trying to like
um you know i'll get a message that will kind of hone in like a response like something that
would hone in a response and just weed out people you know what i mean weed out the we
have the ghosters weed out the people that don't want to respond and just like i don't know i'm
just trying to i'm trying to develop a system for this because it's really mentally draining
you know i have so many other things in the day that i have to you know do and i'm trying to fit
this in and it's just a little discouraging and so you know and i'm not i'm not looking for just
anybody that just gives me you know i want i want you i want i i like that that that guy that
really like like you said masculine like he's responding he's i just not i don't know it's
world is like this not where are these guys he's not responding yes i don't know i think i think um
i think also i agree with some of the ladies put in the chat over here that um it could be state
too um i'm gonna tell you like i'm hearing yeah i'm in new jersey i'm in like i'm getting a bunch
of likes i mean i'm getting daily i'm getting complimented on my my pictures complimented on
my profile but there's yeah but there's just and they're all from all ages and then but they're
but they're not responding the ones that i do filter out they're very lit and another thing
i have issues with is when they start like oversharing like i can't even get a word in
i don't even know how to cut them off they're just talking to themselves and like so i had
to develop a way to like set some boundaries with them and so yeah just just getting some advice
some encouragement and hopefully some success on some of some sites that are better um my friend
got um a friend of mine got married from a bumble um but you know it's really hit or miss but she
was on it for two years before she found someone yeah so yeah it was a long commitment that's a
yeah so anyway that's all that i really had to say was that okay thanks all right thank you
you're welcome joanne
Tell us, how's the lover boy feeder going?
Oh man, I have some sad news. I just, I just didn't think I could do it with Tim like,
um, I felt like it was too much of a gap like our differences. Yeah, I kind of been questioning
like, I really think in the end it's a choice. Um, I don't know how to talk. It's like, long
story short, I felt like he was, it would be like, I don't know, like kind of repeating
my parents marriage where like Tim is such a good acts of service person, but I think
I'm even now with my mom, like I get really emotional. Like I'm actually a very, oh gosh,
verbally affirming, physical touch person. And he's just not really. And I think I just
felt so tired, like telling him like, this is what I like, this is what I, and he was
willing to do it, but it wasn't natural for him. So I just felt like, I don't know, I
don't know, this is me too much work or something. Like he's very committed, um, to like, to
work things out. He's very like devoted, like we're going to work through whatever it just
takes hard work, but he's just such a logical person. I felt like I couldn't really connect
with him from my heart. And that's so important. I think it's even more important. And then
when I was talking to my therapist today, it was like, I realized it just hurts a lot
because it makes me feel alone because my parents couldn't like meet a lot of my like
deeper needs. And so when I feel like, oh no, it's happening again with Tim in a way,
I'm like, I don't know. I don't want it to be a project, you know, where I'm like just
telling him like, this is what I like, this is what I don't know. So I just said, I think
we should just be friends. And then spiritually, I didn't know if we were on the same page
and like, sometimes I kind of, yeah, a little bit, I'm kind of like, did I do the right
thing? You know, cause I know it could work, but like, I also want to be with someone who's
like really into Jesus, you know, like, I mean, we, we express our faith differently,
but I feel like there's a difference between like a hunger for God, like where we could
just talk about God all the time. And like, I don't know, it just, it was, it was hard.
And I, then I know some of it has to do with like what I'm going through with my mom. There's
like a lot of healing and it's just bringing up a lot of like family stuff, but yeah. So
I just, it's just been like, it's been a healing, really good healing journey, but it just feels
such, such a mess. Yeah. Sometimes I wonder is, is it okay for me to date in this, this
where I'm just going through so much with my, with family stuff. I mean, but I did get
on like a call with a guy on, on, on app and he wants to come, he's going to come out because
he has work out here from SoCal to the Bay area. So we're supposed to meet up at the
end of the month. And like, when I talked to him, it's like, I could talk to him about
God. Like we just mostly all talked about God. It was wonderful. I don't know if we're
like that compatible in other areas, but yeah. So I just, I don't know. Sometimes I'm
like, I hope I'm doing the right thing, you know, just by deciding. I don't, I think it's
just too big of a gap. Yeah. Joey, how long have you been knowing the other gap? Tim,
the one that I've been going on. It's about a month. So we went on like six dates or something.
Okay. All right. Well, well, you know, the things that he was lacking, it was going to
require, it was going to take time for him to grow. I feel like you had spent enough
time and enough dates to make a decision if you wanted to move forward with him. And so,
you know, if it had been two weeks, it would have been different, but it's a month and
y'all have spent a lot, y'all have had a lot of experiences together. And so you were at
a place that you could make a decision about, is this what I want to move? Do I want to
continue? I hear you when you say it's like, oh yeah, he says he'll work on it. But what
you're saying is, I don't want to work on something with you. I don't want to work on
this.
It should be a level of foundation that you already have.
And so we're gonna have, I'm looking at potentially
having to go in here and lay some foundation and build for it.
He ain't just working on it.
You have to build this in him, right?
And so, like you said, that he's not
able to connect on certain levels that you desire.
Because he doesn't have it, he's willing to do it.
But he is a deficit in that area.
So that means he didn't even get it.
There's a deficit there for a reason.
And so he's gonna have to really work.
And he may be willing to do it, but you also
got to go through the process with him while he works on it.
And y'all are not even in an exclusive relationship.
And so I understand that.
And I understand with the relationship with Christ,
definitely carrying a lot of weight.
Because you being a believer in love with Christ,
you make it have a good time and do experiences with him.
But if you can't sit down and talk about Jesus sometime,
then what do you really have?
Because Jesus has your heart.
Like, that's the core of you.
That's the whole, Joanne, like that's the core of you.
And so it's like, I can't share the things that
are most precious to me with you.
So what do we really have, right?
And so I understand that.
And it may not be a good time for you to date right now.
You may need to take a break.
You will find out when you go on this next date how
you feel about that person.
Like, if it feels like too draining for you,
I think that's just something you can test out and see.
But I don't know how much availability
you have emotionally right now.
And so don't take on things that require from you.
Don't start trying to think through stuff,
process through things.
Keep it light and have fun.
But don't carry on.
It's just going to frustrate you more
if you're trying to measure this person out for something
potentially.
Like, you need to keep it at a certain surface level.
Yeah, and that's really hard for me to do.
I know.
That's what I know.
That was just what I was thinking.
I just didn't say it.
I was like, I'm going to say this to Joanne.
I know it ain't going to get far when I say it.
No, no, I'm not going to say it.
Keep it light, keep it light, but.
You operate, this just is challenging for you.
But I want you to recognize where you are
and where you have going on and be true to yourself in that.
So you won't go pick up some guilt for no reason
or a false sense of guilt. Recognize where you are
and operate from where you are.
And if you're able to recognize the season that you're in,
it's your responsibility to keep things like Joanne.
This is your responsibility to do that for Joanne.
It's just it's kind of how that goes.
You're going to have to be responsible and steward
your heart very well right now.
Yeah, so it's really it's like a mess
because I feel like I am healing from mother, father stuff.
Like God is healing, like restoring,
I think, my relationship with my mom,
which caused a lot of damage, a lot of emotional trauma.
And because of that, it's like hard for me to be light.
And then secondly, I'm working on like not performing.
My job is entertaining, you know, like I am a musician.
And so like I know how to get people like me
through making them happy, entertaining them.
That was my role with my mom to entertain her.
And so I'm like, OK, so if I keep it light,
am I just like faking it?
You know, because it's really easy for people like me.
But I don't know if I like them.
Like and I'm like, yeah.
So so sometimes I get all mixed up.
Like is it because I have unhealed like voids
that only no one can feel or is it just I made this way?
I need more like and a more in tuned emotional person.
And then like how do we keep it light when I'm feeling
so like emotional about my mom and my dad?
You know, it's like, how do I or am I pretending?
Am I performing now?
And then, you know, well, that's why you need
to take a break for one one.
But if you're not willing to do that, Joanne,
I don't think it has anything to do with you're healed.
If you're not, stop asking.
questions that you shouldn't ask somebody that you only know for a few days like some of this stuff could be taken care of Joanne a
Lot of the things you do have nothing to do with unheal
But you try to make it safe for you
You try to safeguard your process and safeguard your life and you believe if you ask enough questions
It's gonna give you safety to move forward and I am telling you that's not true
It gives you some form of something but none of these things have been tested
And so you keep trying to say make your way safe
So you ask all of this stuff you dive into all of these things very early on you wear yourself out
They go tell you they life story you process it through they stuff and it's just like joy
It's just a week, but you you have been you know in the past you refuse not to operate this way
But it has nothing to do with being unhealed. It has to do with you wanting to be safe
But I am telling you you can't safeguard yourself from whatever you're trying to safeguard yourself from
Because people have to be invested in and you have to take a journey with them. That's how people are
That's just a that's the natural order of things and when you start ciphering information ahead of time
It doesn't make it better for you. It makes you believe, you know what you don't know
It makes you believe that because somebody says something that is truth
That's that's being you you have to be unaware of yourself there are things that you say
They're not necessarily true about you Joe and put you in the right position things change
So I am telling you you should observe people and grow in a natural way and it will be healthier for you
But I understand that you have a need you really really have this need to safeguard yourself
And I'm asking you to be in yourself in a different direction
Um and
There's no way around it
I'm telling you you can't actually ask enough questions to help you know a person it when you get done
All you know is what they tell you
That's all you still know is what they see it and when they fall apart
You're gonna say but you say and you say but you say it and he said and that's what you say
It didn't and you said this and you said then it's like what is that?
Yeah, it's like yeah, I said it but that doesn't make it true
But I don't think it's because you're so wounded and you need to go get more hard work
It's just that you need to stop yourself from wanting to do. This is that I understand what you're doing
But you're not gonna lose you can't lose
It's if it has this thing it just has this thing that's that's the cost of the that's the cost of the process
Imagine if you're if you're stinking that means that you are touchable and that's a good thing that you can feel
Yeah, I just I just hope I made the right decision I mean
If it's not right, you know, it'll find itself but you you can't go wrong Joey
You you it's like if it was wrong decision, what's the worst that could happen? I
Mean, what?
What's gonna happen? I mean the worst. I mean, they're not really because I mean
Not really. I mean cuz he was he I'm the one who said good. I just want to be friends
He's like well if you because I kind of sort of left the door a little open
Because I'm like, I'm just I'm just tired I just this whole thing is tiring my mom's thing and he's like well
It's up to you. I'm like if you wanted you want to talk again? You're the one who hasn't I'm like, yeah
Yeah
Yeah, I think that it's okay. I'm glad that you for whatever reason decide. Hey, I'm gonna take a break from this
And just be settled in the decision that you made you can make good decisions
And guess what? We serve a God of restoration
If this is somehow your husband, he's gonna be your husband next month in the next two months from now. I
Mean, I don't know what you're measuring if you made a mistake
There it's okay
You did what you felt was best for you in the moment, and that's it
That's true. That's just it like this. You can put a nail in the coffin. This is this day buried that thing
And you're human
Yeah
And so we're praying for your heart
This one thing is true and the journey that you're on and my prayer is that you?
Walk more closely with your elder brother. Jesus Jesus in this season as your friend
And that you give your heart to Papa God so that he can hold it and enjoy your friendship with Jesus in this season
because it takes a friend to stick beside you doing hard things like this and Jesus is your friend and
It's just a journey
Yeah, and I don't want you dating to distract yourself from it
I don't want you appropriating emotions in places that you shouldn't
So be real mindful and guard your heart with our diligence in this season in this time
You're welcome and keep us posted
Okay, yeah, we want to know how you're doing
You're welcome
D
Mandy Mandy took a break in a month of September. Hey, I take breaks all the time y'all's for real truth
Hey
Felicia was before me. I don't know. She just never put her hand down. Oh, okay. I didn't want to jump in
Okay. Well, thank you for seeing me and I know it's late. So I
Really it might not be the time. So let me know and I'm thinking if we have to book a private call
So be it but I really would love to unpack what happened with mr
Man, man, man, and I just went on a date with mr. Oh, hello
Just about an hour ago and I it really helped. It didn't help
I mean, I knew how I felt about mr. Man, man, man after I date the other yesterday. Oh times just gone
But um, I would love to unpack it and I don't know if this is the time to do it
I'm willing to start and you can stop me but whatever. Um, if it's not an appropriate time, I know, you know
I'm conscious of the time
So
They said they love your nicknames for your me and well
I wouldn't mind unpacking with you. It is 838 exactly. Yeah, these
And and it's not that I know you've been waiting. So I
Saw a kind of playing time like this
So when we had one amount of time
There were a certain number of women that already had their hands up in my mind says, okay
I can take as much time
I want on this one because we only got four left and then you kind of came on the tail
It's like oh man, I used up so much time because I thought we hit extra
Yeah, this is what I want to say to you
I if you want to do this post it on the page in a video style
Versus typing it out and I can listen to you because sometimes when we're able to talk you can express it better than typing
Yeah, I know. I know I've been doing video posts on yeah
As well
Okay, if you're comfortable with that you can make that post and then I will listen to what you're saying on tomorrow and being
Respond, how does that sound?
Yeah, I'll think about it because it's for me it's like I might just need a one-to-one
But I also realize that it might be helpful for me to unpack it just because it might be helpful to others what you say
To me, but it's more about
My comfort level I spoke I saw I have to think about it after kind of okay
Think about it. And if not, if that doesn't work for you, um, I
Don't want you to feel like you have to get a one-on-one
You can I don't want you to wait till next Tuesday either. No, I don't I need to unpack this
No, I don't know what's available with slots, but I'll look it up and see I haven't done it before
The one-to-one yet. So but I really do need to it's like I was trying so hard to get on a call today
even if it was with Carla, but it's just
Which might be all tied in this crazy season right now
It's just all kinds of madness going on and I'm just like really and I was trying to get on a call
Because I really do need to let it out and see what you know, your wisdom you walk on
you know what your wisdom says because
Something's happening. So we'll see but anyway, yeah
Well shit check out the resources in tomorrow tomorrow. Yeah tomorrow's Wednesday, but go go check out resources and
in
Book a slot
but I mean if you change your mind if it's just some of it that you need to get out tonight go ahead and make
A video on some of it and I'll respond and I can let you know like oh, yeah
Let's like this is something deeper happening. Let's unpack this this way. Okay. I'll give it a go
Yeah, I'll try and make a video and see what happens. Okay, and then go. Well, I'll think about it and all the things
But yeah, no, thank you. That is helpful. I appreciate it. Thank you. You're welcome
Okay, ladies it has been a blast I hope you guys rest really well
It's so good to see y'all that I haven't seen in a while and you know, Lori, I miss your voice
I don't know what's happening that you decided you don't want to say anything to me anymore. I know
Yeah, but I miss you. I'm so happy to see all of y'all
And I pray sweet sleep and rest over you guys until we meet again, please post in the chat
Keep me up to date. I miss y'all
sometimes when you've been gone a really long time.
And so rest well, I hope you have a good night.
And Sarah, I hope that you're doing well since last time.
Sarah McMichael in Austin.
Yes, I am.
Okay, good, good.
That's good, I'm glad.
Jodi, all you guys, Stephanie.
All right, talk to you later.
Have a good night.
Good to see you Nikki and Shelly
and Audrey and Kim and Ashley.
Good night.
Thank you, Ebony.
Good night.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Thanks, Ebony.
You're welcome.