Hey, happy Thursday, everyone.
It's so good to be here tonight.
I'm excited to unpack some of this stuff that God's been just showing me in our community.
Some people, not everyone, but some people struggling with this dynamic that I'm going
to talk about tonight.
But even as I was preparing it, I just want to say, I think a lot of people have different
aspects of this that they might struggle with from time to time.
And so I hope tonight is a blessing to you.
I've been praying for you all, and I'm super excited to dive in.
So I'm going to pray and just get us started so we can jump into heartwork seats at the
end.
So if you do have a heartwork question, it doesn't have to pertain to the content, but
some of you might want to get into the heartwork seat after you hear the content tonight as
well.
So I just want to open that part in a little while.
It'll be a little while, but just so you know, it doesn't have to be a question about the
content.
But if you do have a question about the content, that's great as well.
All right.
So Father, we just thank you for this night.
We thank you for just the truth that you bring into every situation, God, that you sent Jesus
to be the way, the truth, and the life for us.
I thank you that there is no other way to heaven except through him.
And I thank you that you would help us to have a deeper revelation of his love, of the
victory that he died to give us.
God, we thank you that you would help us to, God, first and foremost, see you as God the
father in a correct lens with a correct heart filter.
God, I pray that if anyone here or watching the replay just really still has a disconnect
in any way with you, God is their good father who gives good gifts that you don't withhold.
You don't trick.
You don't lie.
You don't deceive.
God, I pray that you would just continue to mend that a little bit more tonight.
God, I pray that you would help them to see you the way that you truly are, that you're
good, that you're faithful, that you're kind, that you do follow through on your word.
And you are a man, you're a God, but you sent Jesus to be the man here on earth to show
us how you fulfill your promises to us.
And so help us to see everything through that lens tonight as well.
And we thank you that you sent the Holy Spirit to be our helper and our guide in the process.
We're asking for revealings, for healing to happen, bring anything that's in darkness
to the light that's needed.
And we just praise you and thank you for that in Jesus name.
Amen.
So I have one housekeeping thing just real quick.
I want to do a plug for next Tuesday night is our next event for our phase three ladies
in our men's group.
We are doing love stories again on Tuesday night, Brian and I will be the host.
And we actually have two success stories from our community actually that are going to be
here to join and share their stories with us.
Some of you will know Gabby and Tim, they actually were both in our program on the men's
side and the women's, and they have been married for a few years and have a little baby now.
And it's been really awesome.
And then also Ralph and Diana, and some of you know them as well.
And they were also both in our community and we're super excited to have them come and
share their stories.
So just want to let you all know that's what's coming next week.
So you can hopefully plan to be there and join us as well.
So tonight, I want to just kind of get you prepared in your heart.
I want you to imagine that you're looking in a mirror.
But instead of seeing your reflection, I want you to imagine seeing the person that you're
hoping to marry someday.
I'm going to repeat that.
I want you to imagine that you're looking in a mirror.
But instead of seeing your reflection, you see the person that you're hoping to marry
someday.
Now here's the uncomfortable question.
Are you looking at someone who would complete you?
Or someone who would enable you?
So as you see that person, is that someone who's going to complete complete you and partner
with you in life?
Or is that someone who's going to enable you in any way?
Many of us have been taught that love means finding someone who will fill our gaps.
But what if that's actually their recipe for dysfunction?
So I want you to be thinking about even in your own life, I've done it before too, where
sometimes we have these gaps, and we are looking for that person to fill those, whether that's
a hole in your heart, we're going to talk about this and dive into this more, but from
your mom or dad, or even your guardian, whoever that person was for you, whether it's financial
and you're struggling, and you are looking for a way out, and you don't mean to, you
know, I was raised by a single mom.
She had four kids, and I can tell you that my mom hardly ever dated.
And when she finally did start dating, I was a teenager that
had not really had even enough time to process.
Counseling wasn't a thing back then.
And I can tell you that I remember getting really upset
when my mom started dating.
Now, I know why I did,
but I'm just saying that to say this.
I know that my mom struggled in a lot of ways
and finances were one of those ways.
And I wish that she had gotten the help that she needed
to become more secure in who she was in that way as well.
It might be something else for you,
but what is that gap that you're wanting
that person to fill?
Is it loneliness?
So be thinking about that and writing it down
because the Lord wants to help you
with where that gap is at in you.
Because as we will find out tonight,
your spirit mate is not meant to complete you.
One plus one is equaling two,
not one half plus one half.
Okay?
So we're gonna keep talking about this
a little more tonight.
So we're diving deeper into the heart patterns in us
that either set us up for thriving marriages
or to create relationships
that feel more like therapy sessions
and lots of dysfunction and continuing cycles
that God is actually nudging us to overcome,
but maybe we just aren't sure how to do that yet.
And instead of being honest and real with ourselves,
we just keep pressing through
and keep trying to make things work,
which obviously we believe that you all have spirit mates
that you're looking for them and they're looking for you.
But I do believe in God's divine timing.
And I can look at that even in Brian and I's lives.
If either one of us had met each other a year or two
before we did,
I honestly am not sure we would have chosen each other.
Genuinely.
So I'm so thankful for the healing that God did
in both of our hearts and even to prepare us for each other
because both of us are called to ministry
and high levels of leadership.
And we both needed immense healing
to be able to carry that mantle with each other,
not one person ahead of each other, right?
So that might look different for you as well,
but again, just trying to share some things
to kind of get your heart going
and seeking the Lord tonight.
So I'm gonna talk to the women first, okay?
I'm gonna do a little bit different tonight.
I have some information for my ladies
and then I have some information specific for my men.
And then I'm gonna bring it together at the end
and talk about how do we rebuild trust in ourselves
when we've made mistakes in the past.
And this applies to men and women.
So I hope the guys will get a lot out of this tonight
as well.
But even as I'm talking to the ladies,
gentlemen, I wanna encourage you to still be dialed in
and listen because these are things
that can also help you know,
hey, yeah, maybe I shouldn't date
or get really into a deep relationship
if a woman is presenting some of these things.
And then the same thing, ladies,
when I'm talking to the gentlemen,
I want you to stay dialed in as well, okay?
So ladies, if you're looking for a husband
and you might not even like know
that you're looking for a husband to be a father, okay?
I don't think any of us are like,
I want, I'm looking for a husband to be my father,
but subconsciously you continue to attract people
that you're looking for them to solve your problems, okay?
So that's what we're trying to stay away from.
You're not looking for a parent,
you're looking for a spirit mate.
Again, that person that can partner with you
in life's like vision and mission
and God's calling for you.
So I have four key indicators for each,
the men and the women tonight,
and there could be so many more.
These are the ones I felt led to share tonight.
Number one is dependency versus interdependency.
I talk a lot about one of the big things that Jackie said.
I mean, it hit me like so powerfully
that I wrote it on a post-it note
and I put it up on my mirror
and I prayed it over myself all the time.
Literally every time I would go in my bathroom,
I would partner with that thing.
And it was, I come out of agreement with independence
and I come into agreement, Lord,
with interdependence on you, okay?
So if we first learn how to have interdependence with God,
then we can learn how to have healthy interdependence
with our spirit mate.
So dependency versus interdependency.
A red flag that presents itself
is that if this is something
that you actually subconsciously struggle with
might look like or sound like this.
Looking for someone to make decisions for you,
fix problems, provide constant validation.
I'll repeat that again.
Red flags that could present themselves
that this is something you struggle with
is you're looking for someone to make decisions for you.
Fix problems, provide constant validation for you.
Do you know who you are as a woman?
Do you know your identity in Christ so much that you're with that other person and you
don't start changing who you are just to get them to like you?
If that is something that you are struggling with, where as soon as you start dating someone
you're kind of like a chameleon and you start changing, I'm not saying that I haven't changed
anything.
I go to Lego shows, y'all, for my husband.
He loves that.
But I do that more out of love for him.
I haven't changed the core of who I am.
Do you see the difference?
I still do all kinds of things that I love doing, where in the past when I would get
in relationships a lot of time, I would quit doing the things that I cared about and loved,
just always trying to make that other person happy, which is dependency, codependency,
all those things.
So what healthy looks like, you know, that interdependency is partnering where you both
bring strengths and you make decisions together.
So you're not looking for them to be the decision maker.
And ladies, one of the things in the red flags, and when I say this, it's not wrong to want
to have people to help us when we have a problem, okay?
But what I have heard showing up quite a bit lately is I have problems with my house and
I need someone to help me fix them.
Again, I'm not saying that's wrong.
I'm just saying as women, I'm not asking you all to lean into like hypervigilance and dependence
where you partner with, I don't need anybody to help me.
But what I am saying is sometimes we could start moving towards a solution before the
spirit mate comes, and then he can become a part of what you're already doing.
There's a difference.
Okay?
All right.
So here's the heart check.
Am I looking for someone to complete me or compliment me?
In the sense of not compliments, but like partner with me, they're kind of this team
and we compliment each other, okay?
So there's a difference.
So here are some heartwork mindset shifts for this one.
We want to shift from I need someone to validate my worth to I am already worthy and valued
by God and I'm becoming more whole in Christ every day.
And out of the overflow of the love of the Father and my confidence in who I am in Christ,
I can find a healthy partner to do life with.
Here's another one.
From I can't handle this alone.
And again, you all, I have sympathy for my single moms.
And I mean, I saw my mom struggle.
I saw my mom late into the night mowing the lawn.
And yes, as kids, we did help with that, you all.
So what my mom wasn't just doing stuff or by herself.
But when we weren't old enough to do some of that stuff, my mom did carry that weight.
But here's the thing.
My mom wasn't very good at asking people for help.
Okay?
And I think that I saw that, well, I know I did.
I saw that being raised and I took that on myself a lot and still struggle with asking
people to help.
It's something I have to really work on.
Number two.
This is the number two of the four key indicators.
Security source versus security partner.
Here's the red flag.
Seeking someone to provide emotional and or financial security you can't create yourself.
Seeking someone to provide emotional and or financial security that you can't create yourself.
Now again, this is like the end of the spectrum.
Like, you're just really, that's the lie you're believing.
That you can't figure this out yourself.
That you're always going to struggle financially.
Which isn't true, ladies or gentlemen.
This can apply to both sides, okay?
But we can all go to get education on finances.
If you even go into a bank that has an investment firm, they have investment advisors that will
sit with you and literally they will help you come up with a plan on how to get from
where you are to where you need to be to be healthier.
All right?
So it's all whether or not we're willing to put in the work to grow and build that muscle.
Now obviously there's hard work related there as well.
Here's the healthy side of it.
Building your own foundation, even if it's a little bit at a time, and inviting someone
to build alongside of you.
I just told a story on the hard work session on Monday night years ago.
This wasn't true, but I felt like every time I would get money, I had holes in my pockets.
That's how it felt.
But really, I was a big giver. And a lot of times I was giving beyond what I should have been giving.
I wasn't being very mindful of the budget and things like that, right? And in my heart,
I'm like, well, God's telling me to give. Hmm. I don't know about that. I don't think God would
ask me to give more than he actually had given me, you know, in what I made. But I think sometimes
that's what we just keep saying instead of really like, okay, is this a wise decision right now?
Or should I wait, Lord, and save the money up and then sow the seed into this person,
right? Okay. So I'm going to keep going. Here's the hard check. Am I looking for rescue?
Or am I looking for a life journey partner? Am I looking for rescue? Or for a life journey
partner? Any ladies in here wanting a Prince Charming? And again, I'm not saying it's bad,
okay? But you all, I wanted the Prince Charming. I wanted the White Knight to literally, I would
think about it. Like in my subconscious, that was in there. Because you know, we grow up and we watch
all these movies. And that's how it happened, right? So when it doesn't present itself that way,
sometimes we actually think the person isn't the person when they're really amazing.
Because they didn't have the white horse and all the things that we thought they needed to have.
I know that I'm speaking to some people. So again, it doesn't mean we won't have our
quote unquote Prince Charming ladies. I think Brian absolutely was my Prince Charming.
He did amazing things to be chivalrous and kind. And those were the things that mattered more than
all of the ideas that I had of what I was looking for or wanting. Here's the heartwork
and mindset shifts. From someone else will provide my security to God is my ultimate security. And
I'm building stability day by day with Him. I'm going to say that one again. We're going to shift
out of someone else will provide my security to God is my ultimate security. And I'm building
stability with Him day by day. Here's another one. Shifting from I need to be saved from my
circumstances. Two, I'm stewarding what God has given me and growing in wisdom. Wisdom,
it takes time sometimes. But you know, we're in a culture where everything we want it immediate,
don't we? But the lessons I've learned the most and that were the of the biggest impact in my
life were typically lessons I learned more and more over time. So learning from other people,
you know, how many of you know somebody who is better with their money and finances than you?
Just they're better than where you're at right now. Anybody have somebody in your life that
they're just further along in their finances than where you're at right now? I think that most of us
hopefully are raising our hand there because there's always somebody that's ahead of us in
these areas in our lives. So what if we could just reach out to them and have them, you know,
sit down for coffee and like, hey, like I would, I've just recognized that this is something that
I feel like God has blessed you that you have wisdom. I would love to just hear like your top
three things that you do to grow your savings, you know, for people that don't have a lot of
My first real job, I had several kind of real jobs, but this was my first like corporate job.
And my boss and his wife, literally both of them at different times were telling me do a 401k,
do a 401k. And you all do you know what I told him? I don't have the money to do it.
Like I need every penny I make. And that is how I really felt. But you know what I found later on
I finally did do a 401k years later, is that you figure out, like, you don't even really miss that
money, because it goes right in there. And then you figure out how to live off of what you still
have. You shift. And that's what I did. Praise the Lord. But I wish I had listened all those years
earlier, because I would have had a lot more saved than even than I do right now, even though I'm
still doing good. So these are the kind of things we make these excuses that we can't do certain
things. But yeah, we go by Starbucks all the time. Maybe you're not a Starbucks person, but maybe
yours is shoes. Maybe yours is, you know, gentlemen, I don't know, motorcycle stuff. I don't know what
y'all like. But just whatever it is, could we, you know, press pause on that for a little bit and
save a little bit of money. All right, I'm gonna keep going. Unequal versus equal dynamic. Okay,
unequal versus equal dynamic. This is number three. Here's the
red flag. Women being drawn to men who tell you what to do, or
whose approval you are constantly seeking. Women being
drawn to men who tell you what to do, or whose approval you are
constantly seeking. Now, this doesn't mean that we aren't
going to going to appreciate the wisdom of the men that God
brings into our lives. Okay, so I'm not asking you guys to
again, I'm not asking you to partner with the lie that you
don't need help from the spirit mate that God wants to bring
you. And that you don't you can't listen to them or you
can't submit. I know a lot of people still don't love that
word. All right. This is more about, you know, you just are
constantly needing them to approve of everything that you
do, even some of you all. Again, I love you, but you're going on
these initial dates, and you're sharing stuff about what you're
doing in your life. Like, oh, I got this plan. And I'm going to
go on this thing with this person. On a first date that
that person knows way too much about you. They don't need to
know the things that you're planning to do with other
people. You're supposed to be there getting to know them. So
why are we doing that? So we need to unpack that and see
where that's coming from. That did that need in us to over
share, or maybe not a need, but a heart wound. Okay. I'm going
to keep going. The healthy side of this is respecting each
other's voices and autonomy as equals. So again, that we're
giving that space, we're listening to them, but we also
have that space to share as well. And it's equal heart
check. Do I want to be taken care of? Or do I want to be a
co leader? Okay, do you want to co lead in your marriage? I hope
so. And men, I'm just going to say this real quick. If that's
not the kind of woman you're looking for. I'm going to
encourage you to really pray about that because you guys
should be co leading in life together. Now that she would
submit to you and also that you would submit to her submission
is a co respect. Okay. It's not one lording over the other.
Alright, I'm going to keep going. Here's the heartwork
mindset shifts from his opinion matters more than mine to we
both bring valuable perspectives to decisions. So if
you're someone that you're just not sure if your voice matters
or that you bring value to the table, I'm going to encourage
you not not press pause forever. Okay, so don't hear what I'm
not saying. But I want to encourage you at least take a
few weeks to really figure out what your value is. What are
your values? Like, what do you care about? But also what is
your value in the Lord? Like, what do you really believe about
your value? Because if you're trying to get out there and
date, and you don't even know that you're worth something,
that's going to go all kinds of sideways. All right, from I need
his approval to feel good about myself, to my identity is
secure in Christ, not in human approval. Again, who does who
does Christ say that you are? And who do you believe that you
are? Do you believe that when you come into a room, that that
room lights up and that you bring amazing things to that
place? I hope so. All right, number four, healing your past
versus healing, or excuse me, healing your past versus
building your future. Okay, here's the flag, hoping a
relationship will heal childhood wounds or fill father
voids. This is where this one comes in pretty strong. Red
flag, hoping a relationship will heal childhood wounds, or fill
father voids. Here's the healthy side of it. Doing your own
heartwork to enter marriage whole. Remember, one plus one
whole people equals two. Now, does that mean that we're never
gonna have heartwork to do again? No, we're gonna have
heartwork to do. I've been married several years, and I
still have heartwork that I'm doing. Praise the Lord, God is
good. But you will, you will feel that shift in yourself when
you you become more secure in who you are. And you're not
seeking, you know, to have that void filled or that constant
approval and all these things I'm talking about. Here's the
heart check. Am I expecting this person to heal my past? Or am I
doing that work for myself right now? And again, I don't I
know a lot of us we don't think that we are looking for someone
to heal our past. But again, it's like, we're wanting that
that Prince to come in and rescue us. God is the rescuer,
you all. He's the only rescuer that needs to do the rescuing.
Okay, all right, heartwork mindset shifts from love will heal what was broken to Christ
heals what was broken and love grows in that healing.
I'm going to say that again.
We're shifting out of love will heal what was broken to Christ heals what was broken
and love grows from that healing.
So the hurt in relationship healed in relationship, how that happens is we become healed on the
inside by Christ and out of that healing, that's how we then can connect in healthy
relationship over here, okay?
It's not that person coming into your life and then you automatically heal because they're
there.
All right, does everyone understand that?
Because honestly, like I, you know, a lot of times we're walking around.
I don't know if y'all have ever seen or the little kids books, but where you're walking
around with that tank or a bucket, you know, and it's half empty and we're carrying it
around with us looking for people to fill our bucket when in reality, we need to get
our bucket filled with the Lord and then find somebody else that has their bucket filled.
And then we can bring these awesome buckets together and pour them out on people.
It's quite fun.
All right.
Okay, here's the ministry moment for the ladies before I go to the gentlemen, only Christ
can be your ultimate source of security and healing.
A godly husband supports your journey, but cannot be your savior.
Only Christ can be your ultimate source of security and healing.
A godly husband supports your journey, but cannot be your savior.
Okay, here's my content for the men.
Men seeking mother figure versus true partner.
Gentlemen, are you looking for a wife?
Are you looking for a spirit mate or someone to be the mother that you always wanted?
If it's the latter, you're setting up a relationship that will drain the both of you.
Here's four key indicators.
Caretaking versus partnership.
That's number one.
Red flag might look like or sound like, and again, these all could have additional red
flags, but these were the ones I put together for tonight.
The red flag could look like you're looking for someone to manage your life, handle responsibilities,
keep you in line, constantly nurture you.
You know, you have a bad day and they've got to be the one, kind of just the same as the
ladies, kind of that they got to make you feel better and they got to pour all this
energy into you and you're just draining, draining, draining.
The healthy side of this is both contributing to the household, both sharing responsibilities,
both supporting goals.
You're again, team.
And there's no I in team, right?
It's two people coming together and working as a unit.
Heart check here.
Am I looking for someone to take care of me or build a life with me?
And I know a lot of men, you might not like be like, yeah, I'm looking for someone to
take care of me, but I'm just going to share, you know, even from the way that you're raised,
sometimes you might not realize that you're looking for a wife to take care of you because
you haven't developed a certain skill yet.
So for example, you know, my husband didn't grow up in a house where their mom, like she
did work.
So I'm not judging her by any means, but she didn't do laundry very often.
And they would put their dirty laundry in a closet.
And if he ran out of clothes, he would have to go into the closet and get the dirty clothes
out and wear them all that.
Like I can't even imagine.
I know that like I went through a lot of things too, but just that was what I like.
It made me like, oh wow.
My mom was a single mom, but we always had clean clothes.
Like, you know, so again, not judging his mom.
It probably was something that came down generational with her for her.
Some other things is like he would eat, you know, soup out of a can growing up.
And so again, no judgment.
I think a lot of people, more people do that than I even know.
I used to eat ramen, y'all.
I'll tell him myself.
I used to do hard ramen and I would, that would be my dinner when my mom was working
or whatever.
But so we all grow up with this stuff.
Okay.
But the reason I'm mentioning it is because when we went through Simbas, one of the things
that was a potential thing, a hot topic, it's called when you guys, you know, meet your
spirit mate, highly recommend Simbas.
We talked about things we didn't even know we needed to talk about.
Yeah.
Paul, Paul's like, he doesn't like doing dishes.
Brian's the same way.
Okay.
He grew up.
You put him in the sink.
Well, if you just keep putting
in the sink. Guess what? They just build up and if you don't have someone coming behind you to do
them, they're just a bunch of dishes in the sink, right? So when we went through Simbis,
one of the hot topics that it said we would most likely, you know, have any kind of disagreement,
which we don't really fight you all. If we do have any kind of ruffles, it is over chores.
Lo and behold, no surprise there. Why? Because we were raised very differently. And even my mom,
you know, like in his mom's defense, my mom had a lot of issues with paper, lots of paper around.
She just had there was piles, piles, piles everywhere. And when we would have guest
overs, she would like hide all that stuff. But then it would just come right back out.
So I grew up seeing that. So guess what I have had a hard time with growing like over the years,
getting rid of the paper. So we all have our stuff. So why am I saying that? I'm saying that
because, you know, he's kind of used to putting the dishes in the sink. And one of the first
things we actually had a little tiff about was like, why do you not wash the dishes ever? Like,
just rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. Like we have a dishwasher. I'm not always the
like, people have massive blowups over this kind of stuff. So these are the kind of things you want
to work on. And not that you have to love doing all of these things. But let's not like assume,
and I think Jackie, I don't know if she said it on Supernatural Saturday, but I know I heard her
recently say, man, if you're just looking for a wife that can just cook for you, you might want
to learn how to cook for yourself. It doesn't mean you won't find someone that can cook and loves
cooking and baking all those things, because some women do. But not all women do. And I'll tell you,
like, I will cook several nights a week, but you all we are busy. We're busy running two churches
now. And I have all my last year single stuff. And a lot of nights, we're just going, going,
going. And so it's just been easier for us to, you know, get food that's made that's healthy
and good and and bring that in. So you know, everybody adjusts to what's going on. But here,
yes, there are a lot of men that are great cooks. All right, I'm gonna keep going or I'll get stuck
and we will run out of time. But I just wanted to kind of bring that to the surface so that
it doesn't mean that you're always intentionally looking for someone to take care of you. But some
of the things from your past may show up in that way when you're dating or in relationship. Okay,
so here's the heart check, or excuse me, the heart work mindset shift. So we want to shift
from someone should handle what I don't want to do to I take ownership of my responsibilities
and share burdens appropriately. Someone should handle what I don't want to do. We're shifting
out of that and we're shifting into I take ownership of my responsibilities and share
burdens appropriately. Do you guys know what chore reduces stress doing dishes? I do think
you're right on that. Sandra. All right, here's another one. We're going to shift out of I need
constant nurturing and comfort to I can both give and receive support in healthy measures.
Remember, we want to do giving and taking on both sides. Ladies and gentlemen, we should
all be giving and then know how to receive it shouldn't be like I'm just taking taking
taking from the other person or giving giving giving and it's not reciprocated. That's not
healthy. Here's number two, comfort provider versus life companion. Here's the red flag,
seeking someone to soothe emotions and provide unconditional comfort without reciprocating it
to them, which is what I was just talking about. Here's the healthy side of that, both offering
and receiving emotional support as equals. Here's the heart check. Am I looking for someone to make
me feel better or share joys and struggles? Again, there's that sharing that teammate.
So we're shifting out of mindsets like she shouldn't make everything okay for me.
Y'all, I'm just gonna tell you, I hear this, especially after our couples are getting married.
She should make everything okay for me.
Two, we face life's challenges together as a team.
Okay, that we would shift out of mindsets like I give little but I expect much emotional comfort.
Two, I actively contribute to our emotional connection and
her well being. So again, that's that mutual contributions. And
for the guys, I just want to kind of spend a few minutes
here, because I am seeing so many people struggling in this
area where, you know, we shift back into on on occasion, the
areas where we haven't and this is ladies and gentlemen, I'll
speak to both sides here. When we haven't taken adequate time
in the heart work in some areas, even when the Lord's nudging us
to like deal with an area, and we're just like, I'm just gonna
date, I'm just gonna keep going. And a lot of times what will
happen is, again, we're, we're wanting that other person to
make everything okay for us them to fix it. And then what happens
is, the marriage is amazing. But guess what you all once we get
married, there's more pressure that gets applied. Okay. And
when that happens, it tends to cause all these areas that are
not healed yet to start to come up to the surface and percolate
to the top. And sometimes they get triggered, right? And we're
not expecting it. And so what are we going to do in those
moments? Are we going to stay a team and partner with each other
and work through it? Or are we going to put it on the other
person to be like, you just need to make me feel better. So you
need to change. And this is again, for both the ladies and
the gentlemen, are we going to own our stuff and stay a team?
Are we going to blame shift and point the finger at the other
people? So I'm going to keep going on equal versus equal
dynamic. This is the one for the men. And I had this for the
ladies as well. But here it is for you. Being drawn to women
who constantly give without receiving or who enable your
weaknesses. We all have weaknesses, ladies and
gentlemen, okay. And so are we willing to be honest about those
things and not seek to get that fulfilled from that other
person? Healthy, healthy side of this both giving and receiving
challenging and supporting each other as equals. Here's the
heart check. Do I want to be mothered and enabled? Or be an
equal partner who contributes meaningfully? Here's the mindset
shift from she should give without expecting much back from
me. And again, I don't think that we do this like overtly. I
think sometimes it's the subconscious messages that we're
sending out to people. And so that's what I'm asking you guys
to look at. Now we do act on those things by like what we're
saying and doing, but what's going on subconsciously in us.
So we want to shift out of that into healthy relationships
require mutual investment and respect. So again, that mutual
giving respect and investing in each other, shifting out of I
prefer women who don't challenge me to I want someone who sees my
potential and encourages my growth. Gentlemen, do you have a
hard time being challenged by women? If you do, I really want
to encourage you to look at that with the Lord. I'm going to tell
you a little story about Brian and he would be totally okay with
me sharing these stories. He has a great job as a pastor here,
but we're wanting to save for our own house. We're super
blessed to live in the parsonage. But we have a big
vision for where God wants to take us and we just really want
a pool and some fun things too that we don't have here. And so
as we've been talking about that, he was wanting to get a
second job and years ago, he did lift on the side, he worked a
job and then he worked lift. And so he was just like, I can just
do that again. And it wasn't that I cared if he did lift, but
I just kept feeling like he was settling for less than what God
had for him. And so I courageously talked to him about
it that day. Thankfully, my husband has a teachable heart
and he trusts me to speak into his life. But I just said, you
have all these giftings, like you are so great at teaching
context about the Bible and he has all these book ideas. And
I'm like, I really think you should just do something
related to that. I'm like, you literally could make a course
out of the book you already have. And I was just kind of
pouring into him. And we had this conversation and he was
uncomfortable. Okay. But we talked it through. You all four
weeks later, my husband came up with an idea of a company that
he is working on officially launching November 1st. It's a
big deal. And he's been working really hard on it. And he, we
believe that it will be a great source of additional, you know,
blessing to the church that we're leading as income comes
in for that. So I just
Just want you all to know, ladies, you hold power
in a good way to encourage your men
and speak life into them.
But men, you have to be willing to receive it.
Because your wife, your easer, loves you.
And she's going to see things in you
that you might not even see in yourself.
Hopefully, you will see them in yourself as well.
But in that situation, Brian, he was
willing to hear what I was saying
and seek the Lord about it.
And then God showed him more about who he is.
And even as he's working on this program and leading the church
and we're launching these additions,
God continues to build on that now.
And he's hearing different things.
And it wasn't that he was insecure
or he thought bad about himself.
But he's like, do you ever feel like, ladies and gentlemen,
sometimes you're just kind of walking.
And you're not hunched over.
But your shoulders just aren't maybe as confident.
But then something happens.
And you just start to walk differently and live
differently.
Well, that's kind of what's happening in the spirit realm
for him right now.
And so that's why I wanted to encourage the men on here
and those that will watch the replay and even again,
the ladies.
We have power, all of us, to build up or tear down.
Our mouths and our tongue are like,
it's either going to be an unruly fire
or it's going to be something that's going to lovingly
pour life into people.
Which one do you want to be?
You know?
OK, number four, avoiding growth versus pursuing growth
together.
Here's the red flag.
Hoping a relationship will let you remain
comfortable in immaturity.
Ouch.
That's tough, right?
Hoping a relationship will let you remain
comfortable in immaturity.
Here's the healthy side of it.
Becoming the man God calls you to be before entering marriage.
Does it mean you have to be perfect?
No, it does not.
But again, this is all about us getting confident and growing
in that confidence and then entering that marriage
knowing that you're a blessing to your wife.
You don't have to be perfect to be that blessing.
Brian is my covering.
And I'm super grateful for everything God is showing him.
But I have to be willing to trust him too.
All right, here's the heart check.
Am I expecting acceptance without growth?
Or am I becoming the man God calls me to be?
Here's the heartwork mindset shifts from.
We're going to shift out of.
Love means accepting me as I am without change.
You just got to take me the way I am.
Ladies say this too.
I've been hearing it.
It's on both sides, but I'm talking to the men.
Because we have some ladies that are just like,
they just got to accept me the way I am.
No, you all.
That's not healthy.
All right.
We're going to shift into love means
becoming the best version of myself for our relationship.
So who can we become today or tomorrow
that's a little bit healthier version of ourselves,
becoming that best version that we can become?
Here's another one.
We're going to shift out of.
I'll grow when I find the right person.
Two, I'm growing now so that I can be the right person.
Are you growing now, ladies and gentlemen?
This is for everyone.
So that you can be the right person?
Or are you just focused on finding the person?
I absolutely had to stop just looking for the person.
And I had to really grow in who I was.
That hole in my pocket that I thought I had,
you all, I didn't have that.
And God had to heal some things in my heart
around orphan mentalities and mindsets
that I had that were limiting belief systems regarding money.
And after those changes happened,
you all, that's when I started stepping out
to be a part of Last Year Single.
Before that, I had a full-time job.
And I didn't know if I was ready to leave that.
And then I took a little baby step.
And then God led me to take another step.
And before long, I quit that job
and then came full on being like, I'm a consultant.
And I'm a huge part of this team.
But God had to take me out of the place I was
so that I could come to where I am.
So here's the ministry moment.
Your wife cannot be your personal development coach.
Only Christ can transform your heart.
Now you all, I've told you before,
it's hard for me to turn the heartwork coach off.
Sometimes I'm talking to my husband and I'm like,
oh, you didn't ask me to heartwork you on that, did you?
And he's like, no.
So we work on that all the time.
But that's how it is sometimes
when you're doing things in ministry all the time.
I am. It's just like, it's just in you, but he doesn't always want that.
And so I have to learn how to, when he's talking to me, ask him, do
you want me to help you with that?
Like, even if he has a dream, I'll try, I'll start interpreting that dream.
And, and he's just like, I just wanted to tell you the dream.
So I'm sharing these funny things with you because even with Brian,
when I'm telling him something, I'm not necessarily telling him
because I want him to fix it.
So gentlemen, ladies don't always want you to fix everything.
Okay.
Super important.
All right.
So we're going to start to transition to the self-trust just for a little
bit, and then I'm going to open the heartwork seat for anyone that has
any questions or anything that's coming to mind tonight that you want to talk
through, um, yes, Brandon, of course.
Yes.
Being excited for someone who challenges you in a good way is it can be a really
empowering thing.
Like I said, he's about to launch a business out of that one conversation.
And that's super exciting.
So some of you might be thinking I've made mistakes before in some of these
areas, or even maybe lately.
So how can I trust myself to make better choices in the future?
And maybe it doesn't relate to the things I've talked about tonight, but
maybe you've just chosen bad.
Um, someone that was really unhealthy.
They ended up cheating on you.
I know you guys know a lot of my story, but, um, I tended to pick people that,
um, just took advantage of me and didn't treat me the way that I needed to be
treated, but I kept allowing myself to be treated that way.
So when I was really honest with myself and with the Lord, what was revealed is
that I didn't actually believe that I was worth more than that.
And that's what had to change.
That's what shifted everything.
So the way that we learn to trust ourselves is, um, we started dressing
these things and start looking at the enemy wants to keep us stuck in shame.
So is the enemy keeping you in shame or guilt or condemnation for
any mistakes you've made before?
If that's still showing up for you, I want to encourage you
to seek the Lord for that.
You know, some more healing, probably a little bit more
heartwork is needed in that area.
Because God wants to use all of these experiences that we've been
through to develop wisdom in us.
One of the things that I feel super proud of, even though I'm not proud of being
in that relationship for six years and my prior marriage for 12, that was
abusive and all these things, I'm not proud of those things, but what I am
proud of is I've learned a tremendous amount of stuff from those things.
I took all of that to the Lord and said, can you use this
in me to help other people?
Like I want to use my pain for your purpose, Lord.
And I genuinely prayed that all the time.
And so I'm so grateful that I get to do what I'm doing now.
So growing in discernment and self-trust after a mistake, mistakes
don't disqualify us from wise decisions in the future, ladies and gentlemen.
And I think that's where we get tripped up.
We think if we make a mistake, all of a sudden that we're not able
to make wise decisions anymore.
But all of these things are again, a part of our education and wisdom.
So we have to learn from them rather than continue to carry that shame.
Three practical ideas.
Now I'm not going to go far into teaching on this tonight.
I just want to give you some handles of how you can, um, what like practice
learning to trust yourself more in the days ahead.
Okay.
So I'm going to give you three things that you can practically implement.
Number one, practice the pause and check-in method.
Okay.
The pause and check-in method is, is something like this.
Here's the process.
Before important decisions, pause and ask yourself three questions.
What is my gut telling me?
What does logic suggest?
And what aligns with my values?
What is my gut telling me?
What does logic suggest?
What aligns with my values?
Now you all, you know, that we've been talking for a few months in this
community about, we don't want to over-spiritualize everything.
Some of you all are getting way off course because you're looking for
these signs constantly from the Lord.
And if God gives me this sign, then they're the one y'all we got to,
we got to get away from that.
Wisdom is going to be your ally.
And so is peace.
Let peace be your guide.
Okay.
The practice is we start small, low stakes decisions, and then we build confidence
and trusting ourselves with those.
And then we get a little bit bigger in those kinds of decisions that we're making.
And that will.
grow more confidence as well.
So for example, you know,
it doesn't always have to be romantic related,
ladies and gentlemen.
You know, if you're trying to pause and check in
about a decision to take a new job
or to move to a new city, start small.
Jackie coached someone on this before,
instead of just like up and moving,
you might wanna take a trip to that area in that town.
You know, there's a lot of people that even say like,
this is church related, but this can apply
if you're considering moving to a new place
that we should drive around and test the spirits.
What does that mean?
Well, we drive around and we pray.
What do we experience?
Like, what is God saying to us about that area?
Is he saying, yes, like, yes, there's grace here.
Yes, there's peace here.
Or do you show up and you're just like,
oh, something doesn't feel right here.
Okay, those are the kinds of things that we can do.
And that's just one idea.
But, you know, maybe it's before that step,
you start looking up some stuff online about that place.
Do you, you know, what are some things to do there?
What are, you know, what churches are there?
All that kind of stuff.
Okay, the purpose, distinguish between fear-based reactions
and genuine wisdom.
So if we tend to be very fear-based,
we might wanna write down a couple things again,
that we can, those three questions,
what's my gut telling me, what's logic,
what are aligning with my value,
but maybe we might have a couple other checkpoints
if we're someone that tends to partner with a lot of fear.
Number two idea, keep a decision journal.
Here's what you would track in your journal.
And I know a lot of guys,
cause my husband's this way,
he's like, I don't like to journal.
Well, everybody can learn how to do something.
If you really want to help yourself,
and this is something that you're willing to try,
I think it could help you.
Here's what you're gonna track.
You're gonna track your decisions,
but you're also gonna track, excuse me, track the outcomes.
So for example, if you make a decision to go on a trip,
what was the outcome?
Did you have fun?
Did you enjoy the experience?
Did you go into the negative red
because you spent money on a trip
that you maybe shouldn't have spent?
You know, so let's not just talk about the fun.
Let's look at all the outcomes of that thing, okay?
What were the factors that you considered
before you made that decision?
You know, were you looking at the pros and the cons?
What were the feelings that you had before the decision,
during the decision, and after the decision?
How many of us actually take that long of a time
to pay attention to the feelings that we're having
regarding decisions that we're making?
Now, some decisions have to be made fast.
You know, I get it.
But are we dialing in and actually paying attention
to what's going on inside of us
as we're making these decisions?
I saw this TV show.
I won't even tell you all which one,
but like, it was so funny,
this episode the other night, these ladies,
there were three ladies in the show,
and they all were getting these hiccups
and the constant hiccups for, you know, days.
And they all got them because there was something in them
that they like needed to say, but were afraid to say it.
And I know this is a little different,
but it's almost kind of like, you know,
these pent up feelings show up in us in different ways.
And sometimes when we're not looking at the way
our feelings are when we're making decisions,
at some point, those can also come to the surface
when we least expect it.
So here's the evidence.
You're gonna track the evidence of your decision,
create proof of growth,
and identifies decision-making patterns.
Creates proof of growth
and identifies decision-making patterns.
So as you see it literally on paper,
you're gonna start to have the evidence of like,
okay, like when I make decisions,
these are some of the things that typically happen,
especially when I make decisions regarding
going out with friends or, you know,
going on dates or, you know,
whatever that is for you.
You wanna include both successful decisions
and your learning experiences.
So again, remember, it's not just the decisions
that were really great, that worked out well,
you wanna also look at the ones
that didn't turn out so well.
And then the mindset, processing decisions
and allowing God to heal you as you grow.
I know that I've joked about this before as well,
but it keeps coming up and so I'm gonna share it.
So when I was dating, before I even met Brian,
but he was one of the people on the board,
I literally, because in the past,
I had dated someone and got super fixed on them
and then they were not healthy people.
So when I was going through my process,
I wanted to see on paper, like for my...
Myself, the pros and the cons, the good stuff, then maybe red flags or yellow, all that stuff.
And so I just had a poster board and I had a section for each guy that I was talking
to and I would, I gave him nicknames and then I wrote things that were good that I noticed.
I noted, I wrote like yellow flags.
I wrote like certain dates that we went on and how that went.
How did I feel on that date?
So for example, the one guy that was a worship leader sounded really great.
Every time I was with him, he always tried to push the bar a little bit about, he never
like was like, Hey, come have sex with me.
But he was like, you know, what kind of sexy lingerie do you wear to bed at night?
No dude, I'm not going to talk to you about, I literally said that to him.
I'm not going to talk to you about those things.
So then we go on this date and he's like, you know, can I kiss you?
And no.
Can I hold your hand?
No, I'm not comfortable with that.
And y'all, I wasn't being a prude.
I just wasn't comfortable around the guy.
And I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with him.
But then like the next thing he did is, you know, we were doing those questions where,
you know, you're supposed to have fun.
Well, guess what questions he went right to?
Of course the sexual ones.
And so I just was like, you know, I think it's, I think we've had a great time.
And I just kind of figured out how to end that night.
And I called it like, that was it.
Because that was like the third offense after I'd already said multiple times, I'm like,
this guy's just trying to press these boundaries over and over and over again.
So if he's doing that when I'm dating him, before we're even exclusive, he's going to
do this more and more and more.
And I've been in that boat before and I didn't want to be in that boat again.
So yes, I tracked that on my poster board.
So it helped me see very visually how I felt and thought about these experiences.
Instead of trying to keep it all up here.
I don't know if any of you are like me, but man, stuff can go just like roll around in
here and roll around in here and it just can really consume.
And so if I get it out on paper, it can really help a lot.
So here's number three, the accountability partner review method.
Okay.
Here's the setup for it.
You find a trusted friend, a mentor or coach who knows your relationship patterns and past
mistakes.
Hey, last year, single community is really amazing for this, but also I really encourage
you all and you all please pick someone who is going to be accountable, like really hold
you accountable to things.
Not just they tell you what you want to hear, okay?
And then before you pursue someone new or make a major relationship decision, have an
honest conversation with this person about what you are seeing and feeling in this relationship.
Here are some of the questions that you would ask your accountability partner.
What patterns do you see me repeating?
Are any of you the kind of people that you start to get to know someone and then you
just pull away real quick?
If they even slightly, like maybe there's something good about them and then you get
scared and pull away.
Well, maybe that's one of the things that your accountability partner can point out
to you because maybe you don't even recognize it about yourself.
Here's another one.
Am I being realistic about this person and or situation?
Here's the third one.
What blind spot, blind spots might I have right now?
Yeah, Gwen, yeah, people want to ask you to cuddle and they don't even know your name.
See you later.
Bless you and just keep moving because they are not for you, you all, okay?
Let's see here.
This is, I'm going to speak to the men here for just a minute.
Men often process externally and benefit from trusted male perspectives.
This is for the most part.
If you are a man that had really bad dynamics with your dad, you are going to be a guy that
is attracted to having a lot of friends that are girls, okay?
That's not super healthy when you want to end up with a spirit mate because your spirit
mate isn't going to want to share all of you with that, okay?
And so for the men that this might be you, hopefully there's not any guys in that situation,
but I know that we've had men like that in the past.
I really want to encourage you to work on growing your male friend base.
Same thing with my ladies.
If you have a bunch of friends that are guys, but you're just like, yeah, I don't get along
with ladies.
I don't get along with women.
So I just have guy friends.
Well, shouldn't we look at what's causing that?
Where did that start in us?
Was it something with our mom?
Was it something with our sisters?
Did we get hurt by a friend in the past and we just decided?
Or maybe we just grew up and we had a lot of brothers
and that's not our fault, but maybe we just
maybe we don't know how to relate to other girls.
Let's get to the root of these things
instead of just existing and continuing in these behaviors.
All right, here's another thing.
You want to make this accountability partner
and practice a part of your standard
part of dating and relationship
and not just in crisis times, okay?
You want to start small.
Remember, trust rebuilds through consistent
small acts of good judgment.
And I also think it's really important to mention right now.
If we say that we're going to do something
and then we don't do it,
we're actually breaking our own word,
which causes us not to trust ourselves,
whether we realize it or not.
And this can even be in small things.
Like we say we're going to work out and then we don't.
We say we're going to go.
I had a lady in Hartworth.
She was saying, you know, she keeps telling her family
she's going to travel back to China to visit them,
but then she never goes.
And so now her family feels like you don't keep your word
and they're upset with her.
Well, I mean, there's reasons why she's not going back.
But she's not being honest.
And she keeps saying, I'm not ready to come and visit right now.
I have some heart healing I need to do whether they understand or not.
That's up to them.
That's their problem.
But she's not being honest and she just keeps saying,
I'm going to come.
And then she doesn't.
So she's breaking her word every time.
So we need to keep our word.
We need to be honest with ourselves, know what our values are.
We need to be patient with ourselves as well.
Don't wait for a perfect decision.
To restore your confidence.
Remember Jackie talks about this all the time.
We want to take imperfect action.
So allow God to heal you as you, as you go,
you're going to start to learn how to trust yourself more when you make
different decisions than you did in the past too.
So for example, this last time around when I was dating,
and I was really taking time to think through these people and these
situations and, and instead of just going right past red flags with somebody
that wasn't healthy.
Guess what I started.
I started trusting myself a lot.
It felt really good to like, think through those things.
And sometimes I came into the group and was like, Hey,
what do y'all think about this?
I mean, that's what we do and it helps. Right.
Okay. So I hope that was really helpful for you, for you all.
I want you to think about the ministry moment as well regarding again,
like God doesn't waste our mistakes,
kind of bringing this part to that kind of close.
He uses them to develop the discernment we need for the relationships that
he's preparing for us.
So what mistakes have you made that you are still allowing to define you or
hold you back or things that other people did to you.
Those don't define you. They don't have to define you and hold you back.
So today is the day that we move forward and we really think through like,
how are we approaching these relationships?
How are we looking at people again?
Are you looking for someone to fill this void that's in here?
Cause only one person can fill that and it's God himself. Okay.
All right. So I'm going to open the heartwork seat again.
It can be about the content that I covered tonight.
It can be about another question that you have.
If you're just not sure how to process something that you're going through,
if you've never been on a advanced heartwork session, it's,
it's kind of similar to when you went through the heartwork.
So you can ask any question and I'll do my best to help you kind of process
that through. Amaka, is it Amaka? I'm so sorry. I can't remember.
Correct. I'm sorry. I don't have my video on. I'm on my phone.
Yeah. So one of the things that I've been walking through,
which is very related to what we talked about is the more I've read
through the content and gone through the course,
I realized that I don't really know what a wife is,
which is interesting because like you, you think, you know,
like even when you're a child, you've seen a lot of families.
I grew up in a family, there was a wife there.
And sitting with the Holy Spirit,
I've realized that the dynamic in my home was such that my mom was a
daughter instead of a wife. And I don't know if that, that makes sense.
If I need to go into that. Yeah, exactly.
So my dad was very bossy and my mom was just very subservient.
And I think I've seen that in the dynamics of my relationship with men as
well, where I tend to lean towards men that tell me,
it's almost like I try to get approval from men a lot.
And that was the case in my last engagement as well,
that lasted longer than it should. And I thought that.
was healthy. And so I'm at the point where I'm like am I ever going to be ready to be married
because I'm realizing that I don't know a lot of things. And also the topic that you covered today
was just very spot on because it's what I've been working through the last four weeks specifically
around like how do I make that shift into actually understanding like what my role is
as a life that I want to be so that I'm not like in a situation that I'm not ready for
or that I thought I was ready for and I'm just stressing the other person out you know.
Yeah well first let me say this I totally think that you can be a wife and that you can learn
as you go because I'll tell you what like there's things I'm still figuring out on how to be a great
you know easer and helper to my husband and to run a house sometimes it gets overwhelming like
my mom didn't teach me a lot about how to take care of a house I just kind of my grandma did
some stuff but I've tried to pick things up along the way learn from other people and then the other
thing I just want to say is that you know this community has a bunch of people that have now
married and are wives now and you know I hope one day that we will have more like we do the
love stories you know and you guys hear their love story but I would love to see even you know
some of those people coming back and pouring in and like just even sharing like what they've
learned about being a wife or a husband or whatever but until then I would highly recommend
you know even thinking about in your life right now where you live do you have any couples in
your life that have healthy marriages and you know spending some time with the wife and just
talking to her and and you kind of learning some of the ins and outs of things now doesn't mean
that you'll become everything that they are that you even have to be but again it's about hearing
different people's ways of life and and deciding is that something that I want in my marriage
is that the kind of wife I want to be or do I want to do something different so just like
parenting like I knew that as I became a parent I I didn't want to do things the way my mom did
them in a lot of ways like I want to I wanted to be a different kind of mom and so when not only
with my stepson but my spiritual daughters like I I genuinely am like very invested and very
intentional to pour into them and and I love my mom my mom I really do think with what she had
did the best that she could but the things that she would say that were mean and stuff like I was
like I don't want to ever do that to my kids you know and so it's like taking what what is good
what we think is valuable and implementing those things and learn like growing again it's just like
a toddler you know how do we learn how to ride a bike well a lot of times we they have training
wheels on them first right and then once we gain confidence then the training wheels tend to come
off and then we get a little older and we learn how to ride a bigger bike and so I want you to
know that even learning how to become a wife can be very similar you know and the training wheels
in my opinion would be having a good community around you even before you become married that
you know you're learning like I said from other wives and people that are healthy and then having
that support system around you when you are married whether that's you know whether you move
one day into that or or whatever that looks like but community in every phase of our life is really
huge you all I know that's super helpful I think for me there there isn't a lot of healthy examples
around I will have to like go outside of my comfort zone to find them which I will be doing
by God's grace one last follow-on question will be did you ever find yourself like because as a
woman you have this tendency to nurture if you're not careful you could easily switch into like
being a mom to your partner which is something that I've done in romantic relationships in the
past so how do you manage that line because it can be very thin yeah um I think yeah I think I'm
growing in that honestly um I really try not to tell him what to do okay there's a difference
between like that day when I approached him about him considering doing the lift I was speaking into
like hey I see this about like I see this quality in you I see these capabilities in you and I would
to see you walk in that but if you really want to do lift I'll support you 100% versus like for
example he's a gamer okay I know some of you ladies don't think
I mean, it's cool, but whatever, he's, he's amazing.
And that's something that helps him de-stress and I, I just don't judge
him because I have things I like to do to de-stress like puzzles and, and stuff.
But, you know, if he's in a place where I noticed he's playing the game, maybe
more than I would like him to, to do.
I don't nag him about that because here's the reality.
I know that there's times when I get in the puzzle zone and I'm, I do that.
I tend to do that when I'm really stressed too, and I'll
just go for hours on this thing.
And if I give him grace, he gives like, it's mutual.
Now, if I really wanted to spend time with him or whatever, like all I have to
do is say something and I mean, it's not like he's going to put that game in front
of me and I'm not going to put my puzzle in front of him, but there's freedom.
And I'm able to have like things that we enjoy and do without that other person
constantly feeling upset about it.
Um, so that's, that's a couple of light examples.
I would also say that, um, I try not to like parent him in decisions in the church.
That's a big thing where I noticed that tries to show up because I sometimes
worry about how people are going to treat him with certain things.
Um, but the reality is, is he's a man and he's capable of making those decisions
and handling whatever happens if, you know, it goes great or if people.
Don't like it or whatever.
So it might show up for you in different ways.
Um, so I would, I would encourage you to look out where does that tend
to show up for you in relationships?
Like, what are the things that you tended to maybe harp on them
about, or try to parent them in?
And then is it because the men that you were attracting weren't
masculine and mature in those areas?
Or is it that you need healing regarding things in your own life that
caused you to say that to them?
Uh, a lot, the Bible talks about a nagging wife is like a dripping.
I forget how it says it, but like, you know, it's just like that drip, drip, drip, drip.
And so we, we really want to, yeah, not partner with kind of those behaviors.
But again, there are times where I also love to offer the flip side of that is
when we feel heard as women, gentlemen, when we actually feel heard, we won't
tend for the most part, I'm not saying never, but for the most part, we
won't tend to keep saying that thing.
So there's the balance side of that.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Great question.
All right, Dawn, go ahead.
Hey, hi, Bethany.
Yeah.
I wanted to go ahead and share about the number one pattern, which has been so
prevalent all my life was the first one.
And I've been really, and I'm still attracted to, um, the, the father figure.
So I personally never had a dad.
I never had a father.
So my first marriage, he was like my father.
Cause I was very young and he was 20 years older than me.
The second marriage was the same way.
So I've been married three times and they were all like 20 years older than me.
Very bossy, very dominant, very controlling.
But I'm going to provide for you.
I'm going to protect you.
The main thing was provider and protector.
Your father never had that.
So they did this, which, and they did.
So that was my big thing.
Financially, I was always provided for very well because they were all
businessmen and they all had lots of money.
So that was one thing.
And protection wise, they always protected me.
Um, so now my last ex boyfriend, right before I came to last year single,
it was almost been a year, almost two years now, a year and a half.
I've grown so much.
Um, but Arthur was the same way.
He was 74, you know?
So he was way like 18, 17 years older than me.
And so that's, so the cycle I keep seeing that I trying to try to pick guys, like
now that I'm in the level one, two dating that are much younger than these ages.
Like for me, a red flag is I don't want to be with a man that's over like 15, 12,
15 years older than me, because that's where that father figure is going to come
into.
And I don't really, but I see that, that that's a big issue because I'm still
attracted.
I'm very attracted to older men.
So if I see a man that's 15 or 20 years older, fine wine, I said, he's a father
figure.
And subconsciously I go with that because I'm in a situation ship now where I have
an older male friend who is romantically attracted to me and he's like, I'd be
another father figure, but I'm more healthy now.
So, um, we date, but I'm not romantic with him, but he has the tendency that he
wants to take care of me.
Okay.
So a couple of things, when you start talking to these men, do you have
conversations early on these men in the past?
So we'll talk about those guys right now.
Um,
did you have conversations early on about your upbringing and not having a dad in your life?
Did you trauma bond is what I'm trying to get to. Yeah, probably with especially the earlier ones.
Yes. Okay. So that is a key thing right there. And this is why we tell you all,
you know, when you're first dating the levels of relationship, those are there to help you
so that you all aren't trauma bonding. The reason I stayed with the girl's dad,
so long as I trauma bonded with him right in the beginning, and it got really hard to
untangle from that. Okay. And so if you're trauma bonding really quickly, that's gonna be
tough. But now that you're learning your, you know, how to kind of pace yourself,
get to know each other and community. I would also say, Don, as we've been coaching the last
couple times I've done like advanced heartwork with you, the financial side for you has been
a big thing. And I believe it doesn't mean that, you know, again, that the man can't be a provider.
But if we are in such a pit where we feel like we can't provide it all by ourselves,
then that does put us in that place to like, I need a rescuer, I need someone to come and save me,
versus like, I'm learning how to like, save a little bit, I'm learning how to budget differently
and, and you're gaining confidence, and you're going into that relationship totally differently
than how you have in the past. So it doesn't mean you have to have everything worked out. But I do
think you continuing to grow in that area is going to be beneficial. Yeah. But then the question I
have, the thing that gets me the most is I have a fear about being with a man like, like, say,
he has financial issues or struggles, too. That's the last thing I want. So I tend to shy away from
the same boat as me, because I want somebody to take care of me. Well, he has to have money to
take care of me. Yeah, which is what I what I talked about tonight is, we want both people
to becoming stronger. It doesn't mean that, like, when I met Brian, he still had significant stuff
from his ex wife, because she took him through the ringer you all he was trying to get his girl
custody of his girls back. I didn't shy away from dating Brian because he had that because I knew
where it came from. And I actually honored and valued like, he was trying to have visitation of
his kids. And he was fighting for that. I grew up where my dad just didn't even give a rip if he was
in my life. So of course, I thought that was awesome. But we did have conversations about
Okay, well, how are you met? Like, how are you taking care of this? You know, and I learned how
he manages money, and he was on a plan, and he was paying on it. And he was being faithful. And,
you know, he was also saving money. And but you like, he was very good at budgeting. And so I
looking at the and that didn't come in the first couple dates, y'all that came over months and
months and months and months of dating, okay. But it is important for y'all to understand that
because, you know, again, like, I didn't just get rid of him because he had debt. But I did get to
more about him to know that he was taking care of his responsibilities, and learning how to not just
stay in that place. And then he learned the same thing about me as well. So we were both bringing,
okay, we both are in this growth process of growing and being better stewards learning how
to invest our money, we didn't grow up being taught those things. And so learning to do that
more and more and more. And now I mean, we're in a totally different place just a few years later,
you know, and so that's where I think Don instead of, you know, you don't have to attract someone
that's just in the pit of finances, either. But you growing healthier is going to attract
most likely someone else who's somebody else. But then the only other thing I wanted to mention is
this, the stuff regarding your dad. And even if you've worked through it before, I just want to
encourage you to ask the Lord if there's anything else that he wants to reveal to you that still
needs healing regarding your dad, leaving you in any kind of abandonment, because that might be
what's causing that deep, like attraction to the men that are significantly older than you.
Yeah, like it's not healthy. I keep thinking it's not healthy, like even with my male friend now.
Yeah, like, I see some red flags, even though like, I'm not romantic with it. But we do spend
a lot of time together. And because it's good. I know he's like a protector, and he wants to
take care of me. It's like all these other promises that I've been through before.
And I would encourage you and anyone else that's in a situation like Don,
to be really honest with yourself about that friend. Like, if you know, it's not healthy.
And you know that he really likes to be a protector and you like to be taken care of.
then you guys are both kind of feeding off of each other's, actually, like, wounds.
Versus like, hey, like, I really, I bless you in the Lord, you're a really amazing person,
but I can tell that this is kind of a dynamic that's growing and it's not healthy for me.
You don't have to tell him what's healthy for him, but you can say, it's not healthy
for me to want to be rescued and depend on, you know, whatever the need is that's getting
met by this guy.
Because if you know, it's not really God's best for you to be in that connection.
We tend to hang on to things for a reason.
So let's ask the Lord to help us identify what is really leading us to do that.
Because here's the other thing.
I, one of the guys that I dated before I met Brian, a really nice guy.
He actually was the one that said to me that he felt like we would be best just friends.
And of course, like my pride and ego got hurt a little bit, but like the night he told me,
we had a really good conversation, but then he like wanted to keep getting together on
Zoom and just keep talking and keep getting to know each other.
And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to do that.
And he was kind of taken aback.
And I was like, you know, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but like, I got to save
this space for my spirit mate.
And if I'm spending time with you, then that's time I'm not spending, like being open to
receive my spirit mate.
And so I, God has told me I need to guard this space for that person.
And I blessed him and all the things.
And you know, we just didn't get back on Zoom after that because I just didn't see the need
for that.
And because you guys, I'm pretty like careful about not having a bunch of guy friends.
You know, I have, you know, people that, you know, we go to church with and all that, but
like, I don't just hang out with guys.
That's the space for my husband.
And if we go and hang out with a couple, cool.
That's awesome.
Well, then we're there with couples.
So I want to encourage you all just to kind of consider that again, on both sides, men
and women, like, who are you filling your space with?
And is it filling loneliness?
You know, what's, what's going on there?
It could be a little bit of both.
It could be some loneliness as well, because the other level one and two dates didn't pan
out.
So that didn't pan out.
And then he's like, Oh, I'm your friend.
And I'm here.
I'm like, I'm willing to hang out and be and I want to be more than friends with you.
And I'm like, but I don't want to be more than just friends, you know?
Yeah.
So pray into that, Don, and let us know how that goes.
Okay.
We have a question.
A lot of people are asking about the accountability partner.
So are you guys like the dating coaches that help get the accountability of partner?
Like we need a dating coach, but I keep thinking I'm not going to need to at least get a level
three.
Yeah.
I mean, we have coaching in the group.
We have coaches that are available for one-on-ones on the website.
But as I mentioned, you can also find someone in your local church.
You can find a friend through this group.
You know, if you have friends in this group that'll hold each other accountable, that's
a great find, right?
There's plenty of people in this community that you could connect with.
But yeah, if you have someone local now, make sure it's not someone super religious, okay?
You want them to hold you accountable, but you don't want there to be this bashing, okay?
The legalistic bashes.
All right.
Great question.
Yeah.
Ask me somebody from the group.
I'm going to do a dating one-on-one.
But once I get past this level one, two thing.
Okay.
That sounds great.
Jennifer Young asked in the chat.
Yeah.
Thanks for sharing, Don.
Thank you.
Yes.
Jennifer Young asked in the chat, what about people who keep their exes as friends?
Well, I think it depends on the situation.
If they are someone that have kids in the mix, then that's like one scenario.
You know, I know how I would feel about that.
I don't think that they should be spending time with people that they dated anymore.
But that's just me.
Everyone has to choose what you are comfortable with.
So I don't feel like I should tell you what you should do.
I think you should pray about it and ask the Lord what His best for you is.
I don't think that's a healthy dynamic for people personally.
Now, if you only went on a couple of dates with somebody and you weren't like exclusive
or serious, that's a whole different story.
So I would pray into that.
I know that I would not be comfortable.
That was one of the questions I had for Brian when we were dating.
But part of that question for me was also because I was in not only the relationship
with the girl's dad, but my ex-husband, both of those people cheated on me in those relationships.
And so I wanted to make sure I wasn't walking into another situation where right from the
get-go, they've got these exes hanging out in their phone and stuff like that.
Like I just wasn't going to date somebody that was doing those kind of things.
So for me, it was a no-go if that person had exes on their speed dial or even in their
phone.
And I mean, I didn't go through Brian's phone or anything.
I have no clue if he's got people's numbers in there.
But just I tried.
Trust him 100%.
And so I don't even think about that kind of stuff
until I just said it.
So yeah, but great question,
but know what's good for you
and have confidence walking in that.
Lolita, go ahead.
Hi, so I met this guy online,
I think it was on Holy, I'm not really sure.
And we did a video, I guess you would say a video chat.
Like we FaceTime.
So I had his number and everything seemed like it went good.
And then all of a sudden he,
cause he worked nights, he kind of disappeared for a week.
And then he came back like around my birthday
and was saying happy birthday and everything
because he asked to be my friend on Facebook.
I originally asked him and he said,
oh, I don't know you good enough for that yet.
And then he sent me a friend request later.
So then I got the friend request
and we were talking a little bit here and there.
And then one day he told me, oh, I'm going on a date.
I need to be honest with you, I'm going on a date.
So I'm like, oh yeah, okay, I can respect that.
And so he went on a date and then when the date was over,
he called me and we talked a little bit.
And then after that, he just like,
I don't know, he was talking to me for a little bit
and then he said, oh, I don't believe in, you know,
having sex before marriage and all that.
And I'm like, well, I don't believe in that either,
but I was looking for a job.
He said, well, if I can get a job in the area where he lives
cause I live in one state and he lives probably
like maybe an hour or something away or whatever.
And he thinks that, I guess it's long distance or whatever.
So he said, well, if you get a job there,
you can come and stay at my place.
And I guess he'll be on the road
cause he's a truck driver.
And I was just listening and I'm like,
I haven't even gone out on a date with you
and you talking about me staying at your place.
So then he came back and told me that
he was gonna be monogamous with someone.
And I said, okay, fine.
So I'm getting the answers that I need.
So I blocked him and I just moved on.
And then he came back and asked me,
did I block him on Facebook?
Cause he's still my friend on Facebook.
And then he sent me different Bible scriptures
and just a whole bunch of stuff.
And I don't know.
And he's like asking me, he said,
well, I only said that because you live so far from me.
So I don't know if, you know,
I wanted to do this long distance relationship.
So I'm looking at all this deceit and lies and everything.
So I'm just not gonna deal with him.
So remember the thing how I said,
you're gonna ask yourself, what is your gut telling you?
What is your gut telling you Lolita?
Oh, my gut is telling me that he's not,
he's not genuine.
He's not gonna up and up.
I'm like, it's like.
Yeah, I think this is one of those times
where you start small.
You trust yourself in this decision
because to me, again, you said it yourself.
This guy hasn't even driven to go on a date with you.
And he's saying you shouldn't move here to get a job here.
That's so backwards.
The other day I went to Sandy Cove.
I like it up there, real nice place and all that.
And he told me he was up there,
but then he said, oh, well, you were in a meeting.
Yeah, I'm doing ministry, right?
And so you're gonna come up there and bother me,
but you're supposed to be a Christian man.
Like, it just did not make sense.
It sounds like you already know what you should do here.
The other thing, I just wanna say this out loud, okay?
Because something else that you said, I'm just like, what?
So he went on a date, told you he was gonna go on a date,
then goes on a date and then calls you after the date?
Yes.
See you later, sir.
No way.
Why are we giving them our time, ladies and gentlemen,
when that is going on?
I mean, what'd y'all sit and talk about?
Did he have a fun time on his date?
I mean, that's just weird.
Yeah, and you never even asked me on a date.
Right, and so to me,
I think you already blocked him on the other thing.
I would go ahead and block him on Facebook.
That's my honest gut feeling.
Just hearing you talk about it,
I think I've already heard you say
how you really feel about this.
I don't think you need to worry.
This is not a spirit mate material.
Remember, marriage-minded, masculine, mature.
Somebody who is mature is gonna ask you on a date.
date and treat you like a lady. Okay. That's what that is. Right, guys? Guys, do you agree?
Tell me in the chat. Help Lolita out here. Yep. Paul's like your brother in Christ is
like move on from that. Yep. Thanks, Paul. Thanks, guys. Tim's saying yep. So they're
all agreeing. All right. So we'll pray for you. I think God has something way better.
I believe so, too. All right. Awesome. So I'll let Okay, I have Carla and let's see
if I can remember how to say is it Marley? Did I say it right? Awesome. Okay, so after
then, then I'll pray us out and close the night down. Carla, go ahead. Okay, so I had
posted about this on the Facebook page, but I had met this really amazing man we met at
the beginning of September on whichever app and then we ended up meeting and had basically
now at this point three fantastic dates. He was masculine, marriage minded, all the things
and we really just both were pleasantly surprised at how great the first date was. And he immediately
asked me for a second date and was really making me a priority and consistent in his
communication to the point where I actually complimented him. And I said, I so appreciate
how consistent and intentional you've been with your communication. And then the following week,
he we'd had our third date. And we on that date talked about him even coming with me to my small
group. And then maybe he wanted to take me to this water park. And then we were going to maybe
even go to the beach on Sunday, because it's nearby. And so he was excited because he thought
it was going to be a lighter week at work. And he works in hospice and palliative care.
And he's a counselor for patients and their families. So I know it's really heavy, hard stuff.
And we had talked about it. And at first, I asked him if he really liked it. And he said, Yeah, I
really feel like this is the work I'm supposed to be doing right now. And it's I've been doing it
for eight years. And I just really love this work. And then at the beginning of the last week now,
um, he did have Monday ended up being a much longer day than he expected. There were different
emergencies at work, he ended up not even being able to come to join me on Tuesday and didn't even
text me about it until like 7pm. It started at 630. But he said I couldn't even get away to
get to the phone, which all that was understandable, right? Like I expect him to be fully present in his
work when he's working with hospice and palliative care patients. But then he didn't text me at all
that night, he the next morning sent me like short one word, look, few words texts of that has
he come home and his pipe had burst and he was dealing with that. And then he was just starting
to mention how just overwhelmed with sadness and grief and the heaviness of everything he'd been
seeing. And it was just getting really, really hard for him. And then, even when we were going
to do the waterpark thing, he was like, not proactively planning for that actual day. And so
reached out that morning. I was like, so are we still meeting today? What's the plan? And he said,
oh, I forgot to tell you that I have a carpet replacement coming at 230 today. So I can't but
let's maybe try to go to the beach on Sunday. So that was the plan. And then on Sunday, I'm at church
in the morning, and he texts me and says he had to take his mom to the ER. And so part of me was
like, is he actually? Is this all happening? Is this really true? Or is he lying? And I really
don't feel like he was lying. Because we did a couple of short FaceTimes at that point. And I
could see the sadness and the grief in his eyes and in his face. And I can tell he's overwhelmed.
And so I was trying to be very, you know, just loving and patient and kind and offering to pray
with him and things like that. And I also don't want to be a savior, right? Like that was I've
married and divorced twice. Yeah, I'm gonna have you pause for a second. Okay. So
y'all have been on three dates. You should be at level two. Yes. Community getting to know each
other as friends. There's a lot of oversharing happening here. Okay, about the heaviness of all
this stuff that he's carrying. I just I think, to me, I would kind of take a step back and really
Yeah, really assess and put the tools into practice from the community that you've been
learning. And, you know, maybe see if you know how he responds when you don't, you're not constantly
available to him. So when you say put the tools from the community into practice, which specific
tools are you referring to the levels of relationship, the dating levels of relationship
and really go back and review that content so that
you're, you aren't getting, you guys went real fast, really,
really fast. And then it's like, pump breaks, pump breaks, pump
breaks, but now it's like a lot of ever sharing and he's, you
know, got all this and he might he might really have this stuff
going on. Right? You all shouldn't be talking about that
right now. This is supposed to be fun.
And I mean, we were just having these fun conversations and
asking lots of questions. And then it got so heavy when things
got so heavy for him, you know, and so
as you guys started talking about it. So when sharing, you
could have redirected, and you could have said, I'm really
sorry to hear that you're you're struggling right now. And, you
know, if we need to jump on a call another day, when you're
feeling lighter, and kind of we have more time to just focus on
getting to know each other, we can totally do that. But like,
continuing to then create that space for him to talk about all
this stuff that isn't, it's not your where you're at is not even
strong enough to carry that.
Yeah, I, I think that's probably the point where it's so hard for
me, because I am a coach. And I've done all these things. And
I've helped so many people. And so I naturally then ask
questions, like you said, it's kind of hard to turn it off. And
so that's the part of trying to be very vigilant to and not
understand that I'm married. Well, I wasn't coaching the guys
I was going on dates with.
Well, I wasn't coaching him either. But it's just my
natural inclination is to ask questions when somebody shares
something, whatever. So I mean, yes, and I fully recognize we
don't have a level three relationship or anything like
that, either. So I was just trying to be like, letting him
know, if he needed to talk or whatever, but maybe I shouldn't
have been saying that.
Yeah, I would back off of that kind of verbiage. Anybody that's
been a counselor, a coach, a helper, like you've been in
a lot, we tend to be way too comfortable with that verbiage
and dating. And that, you know, we can just definitely my
challenge, we can just say, that's where I was kind of
giving you some verbiage in the future, I would just encourage
you to say, Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you had a tough day.
You know, I'd, I'd love to talk to you on a day that you're
feeling a little bit better. And you know, where we can just kind
of focus on getting to know each other, without going into just
the struggles of life, you know, and you just kind of
redirect it. And if you know, they react, and they don't like
it, well, then you, you know, something else that you need to
know about that person, if they respond, and they're like, Yeah,
you know, I probably should talk to you on a on another day, then
you guys just close it down and connect on a day where you don't
have all that baggage in between just trying to get to know each
other.
Yeah, I think at the beginning of these things going on, we kind
of started there. And then as more and more things were going
wrong, and I just, I don't know, I think my natural
interpolation was just didn't ask more questions. And so
anyway, at this point, I just sent him a message last night,
and just because he stopped like even reading, he would ask me
something, I would reply, and then he wouldn't even read my
reply to like the next day. So I was like, Okay, something's very
off here. So I just said to him, I just said, I sent him a couple
of things of scripture that I felt like I should send him to
encourage him and just recommended that if he has a
pastor or another counselor, somebody that he can talk to,
the you know, that don't even don't even do that.
No,
I can't be supportive and kind to a fellow Christian, though,
and not say anything.
Because here's the thing, you're not his mom. And you're not,
you're not there to fix him.
I'm not trying to, but I feel like it's your natural stranger
on the street who is saying something to me. And we're
talking about Christianity. I'll, I'll give him a scripture.
I'll just, you know, like, I don't feel like I can just be
like, sorry, I don't care. You know, like, that's what I am.
I want you to see something that's happening right now.
When I mentioned that you shifted to defense defender.
Okay, I'm, it's okay. I'm struggling because I really want
to understand this better. And I don't. This is the part I don't
know. And so it's me trying to clarify.
Yeah, I'm trying to help you. Because this is the same kind of
thing I used to struggle with. I wanted to help everybody. Okay,
including the guys I was dating. And I wanted to fix their
problems. I, I had a need to feel needed. Because I grew up
taking care of everybody in my life, literally. And I didn't, I
had to learn how to, it doesn't mean I don't care about people.
I cared about every person I met. But it wasn't my job to
fix them. And I could set a boundary because in the past,
too, what would happen is that because I grew up in a church
where there was a lot of spiritual abuse, a lot of
religion as well. And so even in that I was always like, Oh, I
got to send everybody.
scripture. I gotta, I gotta sow the seed into everybody, and I gotta save everybody." No.
God is the one that saves people, and I don't have to be that person for every person that I meet.
And so I gave myself permission to set a boundary this time, or this last time around,
couple years ago, to not send Brian a bunch of scriptures. He's a pastor.
He can read the Bible. I didn't need... Now, there was on occasion, like, you know,
I'd let him know when he got sick, I care about you and praying for you. I would say something
like that, but I didn't, I didn't, I shifted out of, like, I gotta solve the problems here,
into I just get to date and have fun. And when we want to have a spiritual conversation after we
were exclusive, and we had conversations about our beliefs and things like that as we were getting to
know each other, but you all, we didn't pray together until we were engaged. We didn't do
a bunch of devotionals together, because he and I both agree that you start to get way too connected
spiritually when you haven't even built a relational foundation, which is what a lot of
people do, and Jackie coaches on it. It doesn't mean you can't ever do that stuff. It just means,
like, some of us, we get, we get all the cart before the horse. If they send us a scripture,
we're like, oh, we're like, oh my God, they're so spiritual. That's what I did with my spiritual
daughter's dad. He went to church every Sunday, you all. He sat next to me every Sunday and was
cheating on me all the time while doing it. Truth. He sent me scriptures. He went on social
media when we first met and declared how I was the best thing that ever happened to him,
and God sent me to him. Well, I do think that is true, because I blessed his life tremendously.
And I'm not saying that to be prideful, you all. I blessed that man and his children tremendously.
But I also let myself be taken advantage of, and I allowed myself to be minimized and treated very,
very badly. So I'm saying all that to you to say, a lot of the times I was always trying to help him,
and he was in this place of struggle all the time. He was always in desperation, and I was always
trying to help him get out of that place. Yeah, that's not a fun cycle to be in. So part of what
we have to do is we need to turn off our... We literally have to just remind ourself, okay,
I'm going on this date to have fun. Even if they mention something that they're having a hard time
with, I don't have to fix that. I literally would just coach myself and remind myself
when things were happening so that I wouldn't keep getting tripped up with that stuff.
So I would put some guardrails in place for yourself. You know, here's where an accountability
partner for you would come really in handy. Like, hey, Carla, call me after your date.
You can talk to them about what you did on your date, what you guys talk about. You know,
and when you go too far in conversation, they can lovingly say, hey, remember you don't have
to fix them. Remember, you get to just have fun right now. I can't tell you how many times
Jackie Dorman said to me, Bethany, just have fun. Bethany, just have fun. Y'all like all the time
because I had to learn how to not be so spiritual that I couldn't have fun
and to get out of the fixer helper place and just learn how to date.
So put some guardrails in place for yourself. Again, it's practicing. So, you know, I would go
back and listen to the recording because the, let me look and see here. It might be that first one,
the dependency versus interdependency. You know, it said the red flag is looking for someone to
make decisions for you, fix problems, provide constant validation. You know, you can flip that.
Well, do they always have problems that need fixing?
If so, they might not be in a place that they're ready for a relationship.
Right. I mean, that's kind of what I came to and just said, it doesn't seem like you have the
capacity to do anything right now. So basically I, that was why I sent him like, here's a scripture,
go talk to someone else kind of thing. So I would encourage you for anyone that this relates to,
I would encourage you to look at when is the first time you felt the need to
fix the problem that wasn't your responsibility.
ability to fix. And that, you know, even when you're younger,
really asking the Lord, when was the first time I felt like I had
to fix a problem that was not my responsibility to fix? What I
find happening with a lot of people is when is in this can
happen when you're older, too. But when as children, your
parents or your guardians or someone that's an authority over
you puts responsibility on you that is not yours as a child to
what happens is you carry that and then you feel this
responsibility for it. And then that kind of continues to happen
throughout your life. And so that's why sometimes we get into
these places where we're taking responsibility all the time for
other people's stuff and trying to fix them because we believe
we have to be responsible to do that, which is what you said, I
want to be a good person. I want to be kind and I want like I
want to show that I'm caring. Well, you are caring. You not
sending someone a scripture doesn't mean you're not caring
or that you don't care. It just means you're not sending them a
scripture trying to fix them. But do you know when you when we
back out of our like emotion and we're like, Okay, the truth is,
is that I am a good person. And I do care about that person. I'm
and I'm enjoying getting to know them. But I get to let him stay
in the fun box right now. Yeah. Yeah.
I think that I don't remember so much about my childhood being
that but I know obviously, I've been a triplet mom, I had two
step kids, I was taking care of everybody and everything. And I
married two different husbands that both I was definitely
trying to be a savior to them and help them and thought I
could whatever and so I know I don't want to make that mistake.
But I also am realizing as you're talking that I definitely
feel like I've been affected by having that brain surgery. And
after that, I couldn't for months, I couldn't even like
emotionally regulate myself or anyone else. And I felt like I
was zero contribution to anybody in any way. And so it just felt
like I finally can help people and I couldn't before. And so
now I'm just like, I want to help everybody I can, whoever I
meet, you know, like,
yeah, but you think about something you just said there is
that you've been having to learn emotional regulation again. And
so I want you to kind of think about that too. And my heart
goes out to you. I my mom had a brain injury. I saw her struggle
in a lot like my mom, you know, in old age in a lot of ways. And
I don't not saying this is the same for you. But in a lot of
ways, she acted kind of young and had to learn how to mature
in areas again. And so for anyone that has gone through
that, you know, I know that's not easy, but understand that
you might have to, that's where these guardrails are going to
come into play. And they'll help you kind of retrain yourself in
regards to this too, that you'll come back into balance. And
maybe that's why we're having this conversation tonight to
help you, you know, your pendulum probably swung, you
know, the other side, and now it's kind of swinging back, and
it'll start to, it'll start to come back in, and it'll kind of
come into that good place. But it might take you having, you
know, having these conversations, you did a great
job. I know that it was tough in the beginning. But I wanted you
to like, know that you were safe with me, I wanted to help you.
But ladies and gentlemen, sometimes this is where it can
get really uncomfortable, but just know, like, I love you
guys. And all my heart's desire is to help you get from where
you are, to the next step to where you need to go. And so I'm
willing to have, you know, kind of that tough moment and
uncomfortable moment to hopefully help you all get
there. And so we're praying for you. And I'm excited to see
where this is going to lead you. And, you know, great job on
letting him know kind of, hey, I think you're, you know, not in
the right, that was you choosing to value yourself. And that's a
key win. So I hope that you really celebrate that in
yourself tonight. Thank you. You're welcome. Thanks for
sharing that with us. Marlee. Hi. Hi. Hi. Okay, so so I'll go
back to one of the things that you talked about earlier in the
session about making space for our spirit mate. And so I have a
friend, a male friend, I'm not interested in him. I don't think
he's interested in me either. We've been friends for decades
now. And we love a lot of the same things, nature
photography, have beautiful conversations and all. And, and
so recently said, Oh, it would be nice to hang out more, or
hang out period. So he set a time in his calendar, in our
calendars to meet at what he was suggesting was every two weeks,
we go for an hour or something.
coffee, for a walk, whatever, riding our bicycles, whatever.
And I said, well, maybe every two, three weeks.
So I just want to have some tips
so that there's that balance, right?
Being time for, but not completely neglecting
or depriving myself from, because I enjoy his company
and I'm sure he does.
And we have great conversations about work and all,
but so yeah, some tips maybe regarding that.
And there's a question that is in the chat
that has been coming back and I have as well.
How do we get an accountability partner?
So I'm just-
Yeah, you just ask someone.
Like when I was going through my dating again,
I reached out to, I had the coaching group and I came in.
So number one, y'all use the coaching group,
stay accountable in community.
That's what we're here for.
So I did that all the time.
And then I had two people that I would talk to
after dates that I felt comfortable with
that were in the same season as me,
not people that we're gonna kind of judge
and all that kind of stuff.
And I would just be, I was accountable to them.
Like I would talk to them about my experience
and we would kind of process it out together.
And they were people that knew my history as well
and what tripped me up in the past.
And so I was able to kind of just make sure
that I was choosing differently this time.
And so, yeah, I just think, again,
let it be someone who is a safe place,
but someone who will hold you accountable.
Like basically speaking truth to you in love,
having those hard conversations if they're needed
is really important.
So my question, I know you said that there's no intimacy.
He doesn't like you, you don't like him,
but now he's asking to spend more time with you.
Are you sure that he doesn't like you?
Pretty sure.
I'm just saying normally,
unless it is just you guys are feeling a need
in each other, okay, which is possible.
But typically if a guy is asking to spend more time with you
then he is enjoying that time and he wants more of it.
So that's why he's asking you to spend more time with him.
But if he's not willing to ask you on a date
or take it to the next level, it doesn't mean I'm...
You guys, I'm not saying you guys
all have to get rid of all your friends,
but I'm just saying that sometimes it's very tough
for you to enter a relationship with your spirit mate
when you have such an intimate relationship
with this other guy or vice versa,
a man that has these women friends,
that he's super intimate and shares his life with them.
And so that typically doesn't coexist really well
from my experience.
I'm not saying it never does.
I'm just saying a lot of the time.
And so again, I would ask you similar to what I asked Don
to really ask the Lord.
I'm not saying you can't go have fun with this guy, okay?
But I do want you just to do a little bit
of heartwork around this.
For the Lord to reveal to you what needs
is this man meeting in your life right now, okay?
And God, do you want this man to continue
to meet those needs in my life?
And let the Lord show you.
Because I don't want you guys feeling like,
Bethany told everyone to get rid of all of their friends,
if they're the other gender.
I'm not fully saying that.
I'm just saying that this is an area
that people get really tripped up
and they spend many years just being friends with someone
and spending a lot of,
think of the time that you're spending with him,
that you could be out meeting new friends,
maybe going on a date with someone new.
And so that's where, even with that guy
that wanted to still be my friend,
I'm like, we can still be friends,
but I'm not gonna get on Zoom and hang out.
And what I meant by that is we were friends on Facebook
and that was good enough for me.
Yeah.
In this case, I think it's because things
have been really slow on the dating side.
And yeah.
So are you saying to us that if you had a guy
that was interested in dating you,
that you would spend less time with this guy friend?
That might be very telling there, Marley.
Again, I'm not saying that it's bad to have a friend,
but I think that we sometimes have these friends
because again,
we don't want to be lonely and it fills a void that we have. Yeah and yeah sorry go ahead go
ahead. I was gonna say and it's not even that we we spend we spend that much time together
um like we it was a long weekend here in Canada this weekend so we saw each other um um on Monday
and and so our booked time was supposed to be yesterday and I said no well we will we'll see
each other the next time around right um so it's not that we spend that much time together
but we do. Yeah yeah and again I'm not saying that it means you guys are constantly together
but the reality is is that's like um Megan put in the chat like do you have other girlfriends
you want to hang out with instead like you know um so let's just consider let's just talk to the
Lord about it a little bit and let him lead you in this and again I'm not saying that you have
to just not be friends with this guy today but I just want you to be praying about you know
what is it that he's getting out of this friendship as well you know because here's
the reality too is like do we believe God is going to send us a spirit mate and are we doing
everything we can right now to make the room in the space for them before they come which is one
of the things that was on the points tonight you know are we doing these things before they get
here so that when they get here then we're not in this awkward situation of like oh now I got a
spirit mate now I gotta handle this situation with this friend that's a guy over here and
what if he doesn't like that and you know all those kind of things and so again it's okay to
take time to process this but I just want you to be praying about it and I did want to circle back
as I start to close I want to circle back to one thing I was saying because I don't want it to be
taken out of context either shoot now I think I've lost my train of thought I was something I
said earlier and I wanted to make sure now I'm not going to be able to think of it let me see
if I can scroll back and see the comments because something I was saying sorry guys I just it was
really good point and I wanted to make sure everybody understood what I was saying
oh I know what it was um so when I said about the guy going on the date and then calling Lolita
after and I was like get out of here but here's the thing it's because he told her that I want
sure that part's clear because I was thinking like you know I think I remember going on a date
and then getting home and calling a different guy after and but I didn't tell the guys that I did
that they didn't need to know that but I I had an in-person date and then I had a video date after
but I wasn't sitting talking to the different guys about that does that make sense I wanted
to kind of differentiate that because when you are in that level one and you're or level two
where you're starting to get to know a couple people you know some of you guys I know you're
not into you know dating more than one person but if you are getting to know more than one person
I don't want you to think I'm saying you can't you can't go on a date or and talk to someone
different it's that they again this guy was telling her about it that to me always feels
wrong like why are they doing that are they trying to make us jealous that's unhealthy so that's the
part for me that was not the healthy healthy uh healthiest thing that could have been done there
now if he had just gone on that date and never said anything and just allowed himself to get to
know lolita separate from that then okay right because then he's valuing both people and there's
not this contention and stuff going on all right well let me close this down this has been a great
night if you guys have questions from things I said I will do my best to get into the phase three
and the men's group in the next few days I know the men sometimes you guys are like
is anyone out there I just want you to know I do try to come in every now and then and check on you
guys um so I'll do my best to show up there in the next few days if you guys have questions too
all right uh let me pray us out father thank you so much for this night god I thank you for all
feelings for healing that are happening god I pray that more will come I pray that you would
just give us uh dreams and visions and revelations of who you have for us just like we started
tonight that when we look in the mirror god that we wouldn't see ourselves but we would see the
person that you have for us, that the person that we believe we deserve and that we are moving
towards. And Lord, if that isn't someone that looks healthy, I pray that you'll help us to
shift in the areas of our hearts that we need to so that we can step further into the fullness of
who you originally created us to be. I pray for spirit mate connections accelerating in this
God, I thank you for just continuing to breathe a fresh wind of fresh hope and encouragement into
everyone that is here, those that will watch the replay. And I just thank you God for your
blessings upon our life in Jesus name. Amen. God bless you. Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you, Bethany.