it's a hard work yeah just just been trying to have balance lately yeah yeah for sure i understand
that okay hello audrey hello sue hello lauren and who else i don't see leah and alicia and
hellen hey hey hey i'm like the lady's gotta come on in yes so i totally understand take your time
we totally understand um i was wondering i was like is something else happening tonight i didn't get
the oh what they call it like the memo or something so but you know hey audrey hi ebony
an honor to meet you on sunday such an honor sorry for bumping into you on the dance floor
multiple times i was sober i promise ah it was so much fun hanging out with you i was one of the
one of the greatest joys of the day i was just so thankful to um be able to enjoy your presence
it was a blessing and you're more beautiful in person y'all she's more beautiful in person
than on camera just say yeah thank you you make me blush
thank you so much hellen it was so good so i was so so blessed so blessed
by um me carla was still talking about it i was like it was so good to meet you all
so wonderful to meet you too alicia it was just so wonderful i hope i'm saying your name right
it was it was a blessed time i tell you well ladies um we're gonna get going tonight i'm
just gonna pray father god i thank you um for all of these ladies i thank you um for wisdom
on tonight wait a minute one second in the middle okay here we go oh let me do that too
okay so father god we just thank you for wisdom we thank you lord god for insight we thank you
that you know the root of every issue that we have and so we ask for targeted targeted coaching
that goes to the core of what's happening and so i just thank you now in jesus name amen i
thank you that this is a safe place um where we can be seen known heard and accepted in jesus name amen
all right ladies what do y'all have let's see some hands let's hear some updates let's talk
what's on your mind what's on your heart it doesn't have to be about dating oh is it here
i'm gonna come right for you i forgot is there anybody new your very first time on a call
mika okay mika i didn't know it's your first time yay mika we're so happy to have you but malika
your name your name your hand is up to say something right because you're gonna move to
right okay um mika's your first time with your first time in my call or your first time in phase
two it's my first time in your call but i feel like i know you because i've been watching
everybody you would call us replays oh gotcha i mean listen oh my goodness you girls you ladies
jam-packed with wisdom and experience and it's just been such a blessing so i've not
to tell i've shared that with college if i got on her call at one two but um
i didn't get a chance to share that i've been watching the replay so oh good well praise
jesus i'm so glad that we're able to share things that that uh that's helpful for you
um it is always our prayer um that the lord makes himself mighty through us through all of us you
and us as coaches so that we can have a time of restoration and hope and renewal um
funny too which helps say that again mika
a wonderful sense of humor both of you very funny it just it makes the calls like
you get you get stuff but and at the same time it's like you're laughing too so it's like
it's wonderful i've been really enjoying them thank you oh good so glad you're welcome you're
welcome well welcome we're excited to do this part of your life with you it is the phase that
changed my life a heart a hard work changed me but nothing did it like dating um it helped me
to discover myself and to uncover things that the lord wanted to heal to expand me to stretch me to
capacity to my life he definitely used dating as a vehicle to help me grow and so i am hopeful that
you get the opportunity to walk with the Lord in the same way, to be stretched, to be multiplied,
to be increased in your singleness, so that you can enjoy the fullness of what he has for you.
All right, Helen, not Helen, Ashley, not everyone down.
Hi, I just mostly just want to say some wins. I was able to get on one o'clock,
so I talked with Carla a little bit on one o'clock, but she did tell me that if I don't
reply to my comment as just like my comment, and I reply to you to your comment, that you guys
don't see it. Oh, that's true. So just figured that out, and I did send you a reply. One of
them, I don't remember which one, about what I was going to say to my sister, because I think
we talked about it on the chat, and I apparently didn't write it down. So that's in the
coach, in the group, in one of the messages that I sent.
I don't have my phone to like figure out which one it was.
But are you saying that you want me to tell, do the script again, tell you?
Yeah, if you'll just look at it later, that'd be great.
Yeah, I'll look at it.
That'd be fine, because mostly I just wanted to get on and share my wins.
And then Carla told me to put, I'd only had one earlier, Carla told me to put it in the
community page, so I will do that later. I haven't had a chance to do that tonight.
My one that I mentioned earlier was, this was so wild, you guys, this is just so wild. So my,
literally my very, very first boyfriend, like I was 14, my very first boyfriend,
earlier this year, out of the blue, texted me, like he had to work to find my name,
because my name that I have now is my married name. So we had to work to find my name and
my phone number. Found out, and I'm like, I don't even know why, I found out he's married,
it was not going well. And so I quit texting him, I like just didn't reply. I'm like,
we're not doing this. And then last night, he texted again and was like, hey, moving into my
new place and just looking at old pictures, and he'd sent a picture of me, like he still has a
picture of me, like what? I was like, and so it was just so easy. That's the part about it. It
was just so easy. I just was like, wow, that was a long time ago. Sounds like it's not going well
with your wife. So sorry to hear that. I'll be praying that you get the healing you need in this
season. And that was it. I was like, it was just so easy. It was so easy. So that was that was
exciting when and then today. I'm probably my daughter can probably hear me. So maybe be a
quiet. Um, we pulled up to my parents house to get my son. She wasn't there. She was at home.
And stopped say hi to a neighbor that I'd not met before pet her dog said hi. And you know,
just exchange like information. Oh, new to the neighborhood. You know, just her dog and her
fiance and I was like, it was so great to meet you started to walk away. I was like, wait. I was
told to step out of my box. So I told her about this. And I was like, I was like, you probably
know some single people. She immediately had an idea. So we exchanged phone numbers. Oh, wow.
So yay. Yes. And then I left my parents house without feeling guilty that I wasn't staying
for dinner because I didn't know that my mom was making dinner and I was like, I gotta get home. I
was just good. So all sorts of wins last 24 hours. So yay. Yes. Yes. That's so exciting, Ashley.
That is so exciting for you. That's really good. You are really stepping out there.
You go Ashley. I just wanted to share this. I know.
I did that.
Good for you. Congratulations. We rejoice with you.
Um, Helen. I know you get in love in the chest.
Way to go. Um, hey, girl. I thought someone else was nice. Okay, you
it could be the way I wrote it down. Did someone else feel that they were next?
You feel like I skipped you? I didn't try to. Okay. All right.
Going once, going twice, okay.
Quick question on the whole apps and online stuff.
I'm experiencing this whole endless texting,
which is exhausting.
And then on the other spectrum,
this one guy wants to meet up for coffee
and we've never even talked.
So what is your recommendation of someone's like,
straight up, like, let's meet up,
but like, isn't there usually a step,
like you're on the phone or you have a FaceTime,
you don't just meet all of a sudden
when you've never even like spoken or anything.
What do you think?
Yeah, so you can accept the coffee date
and say, you know, before we, you know, meet up,
I would love to chat with you.
So you can intentionally put the coffee date out
three days or to Friday or to Saturday morning.
And then in the meantime,
you'll have a good four days in between.
You can say, you know,
in between us getting together coffee,
I'd love to hear your voice,
maybe to do a video call just to know who I'm talking to
and who I'm going to meet up with.
Oh, okay.
And then so, and then you can say, you know,
I want to be intentional with talking to you
a little bit more each day before we go on the coffee date.
Cause I feel more comfortable that way.
Okay. Okay.
That is a good action plan.
I really like that.
And then another guy, he lives in Arizona.
He's like five hours away
and he was asking me what I think about long distance.
And I said, I used to be against it,
but if it's drivable or, you know, a plane ride away,
I'm open like a few hour plane ride or a few hour drive.
I don't know about across the country.
That's a little bit much.
Like, I don't think I could do East coast, West coast,
you know, kind of thing, but he's only five hours away.
So with just being,
but leave it to him to be like, take the step about,
okay, let's meet up in person.
Like wait after that FaceTime or whatever day,
you know, talk or whatever,
or just see how it goes, how it flows.
I think you want to see how it goes, how it flows now.
I don't ideally.
Okay. You know, when you, when you, so I think,
so let me see how I want to say this.
You can allow him to lead in the meetup.
However, if the leading to meetup is past two weeks,
then you don't keep letting him lead you
because now you're two weeks in
and you're just talking and chatting with somebody
and you're moving into three weeks, you know?
So there's a line that you set within yourself
that if I haven't met you face to face,
I'm not going to continue in conversation.
You don't have to say that to him,
but you need to have that within yourself
because we say, if you are long distance,
like, you know, like hours apart, like five hours
in two to three weeks, when your schedule clears,
you guys should be meeting up.
Now let's say you are thousands of miles apart,
you know, no more than four or five weeks,
but it's really important that you meet with the person.
And so, yes, you can let him lead in the conversation
in a sickness, but you're going to have to, you know,
you can, you know, always be clear.
You can be, clarity is kindness.
So you can always say, like,
hey, I'm going to know you.
It is my goal that we meet you
before investing a lot of conversation time.
Well, you broke up a bit.
Can you repeat what you just said?
Sorry, you broke up.
So you can always say, like, if you're like you,
evidently you like talking to him,
so you're considering it.
Say, hey, I would really like to meet up with you
as soon as we possibly can,
so that I can see if it'll be good for us
to start getting to know each other.
Okay.
And so it is my desire that we don't waste a lot of time
before that takes place.
Okay.
That makes total sense.
He also mentioned his ex-wife was long distance
and ended up cheating on him.
I don't know what to do with that.
I didn't bring up the ex combos
because we're not supposed to do that,
but he brought it up.
So I'm like, oh man,
I'm not going to touch that with a 10 foot pole.
I know, it's going to be hard to keep up.
Why we ain't got a long distance wife?
Why we got a long distance wife?
He running.
Look now.
Yeah.
We'll see how the FaceTime things go.
And I do believe the Lord lets you say things
even virtually and gives you a discernment
and stuff like that.
So I'll see how FaceTime,
if it even proceeds to that, I'll see how it goes.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I think it's going to be a fun experience either way.
Yeah.
And the last thing is that I went on a speed dating thing,
the one I posted about.
Yeah.
And it wasn't Christian, you know?
So they promised five or almost guaranteed five men
at least, but there were only four.
So they offered a refund.
It was only 25 bucks.
It wasn't a lot.
Oh wow.
But it was interesting to.
you know, just interact with guys one-on-one. And they had a, they had two age groups in the speed
dating event, 33 to 45, I think, and 45 to 59, something like that. And then they had the groups
mingle ahead of time. And that wasn't planned. It's just that people took a while to show up
because it was during rush hour, you know, at seven o'clock and people took time to get there.
So it was really fun to interact with the entire group for a good half hour before the speed dating
actually started. And then they had the lady sit down and then the guys rotated. And, and then at
the end, they give you a sheet to fill out where you want to say yes to a date or yes to a friend,
which is interesting. I didn't know you, you could match up as a friend kind of thing. So,
but they're not believers. So it's like, but it was one thing that kind of broke my heart is one,
a couple of the guys seemed like they had really low self-esteem and it struck me, you know, guys
and girls too, but struggle with identity, but the struggle with identity with non-believers,
I think is even deeper because you have no one to lean on to. And one guy was like, I don't even know
why anybody would ever want to be with me. And I just said, you know, there's someone for you. I
didn't want to start a whole thing about God created in his image and you, you have value.
And like, I didn't want to, I didn't go into all of that. We only have eight minutes, but,
but I was like, no, there's someone for you and don't, you know, I, I hope that you stop
thinking that way. Like I just try to be life given to him, but it just may be sad to see guys
like thinking like that, you know, kind of thing. And one of the girls, Suki, I don't know if you
know her, Suki came also. So she was in the other group because she's in a different age group than
me. They looked like they were having a lot more fun than our age groups. So I encourage you to,
maybe I can send you the information. If you ever want to, the guy that organizes it actually
lives in New York, but he organizes events in San Diego and a couple other cities.
Oh, that's cool. Thank you for sharing that. I always wanted, we wanted to know like insight
on what speed dating events would be like. And I was supposed to go to one here in Austin and
my friend girl was just telling me that it's on a Wednesday. And so I can't go on no speed date,
even on a Wednesday night. Oh, you did? You had fun also? Is it Sucre? Is that how you say her name?
Suki. Suki. Okay. Thank you for sharing that. I didn't know you were on there, Suki. I'm here.
Yeah, that's nice. Oh, you're going to one. Oh, cool. And for Virginia Beach.
All right. Speed dating is on the roll. It must be the speed dating season or something.
Everybody's talking about speed dating.
Somebody was just talking to me too about speed dating. They said, the only thing is you don't
know if they're a believer or not. And I was like, well, sometimes you don't even know if
the believer is a believer. So you just never know who you're going to meet because you're
a believer and you're there, you know? Yeah. And Jackie says it in one of the
two videos. She says guys don't always come out up front with their faith stuff or they're in
the low season of in their faith, which all of us experience low seasons in our faith, right? And so
you just never know. And so you could go there and somebody may be struggling in their faith or is
backslidden and ready to come back or whatever. You never know.
So, yeah, that's the reason why I went. I was like, oh, there could be a believer there. You
so full of life, Helen. I really like that. Especially in the dance floor.
Oh, yeah. Helen has some energy, baby, that will fill the room.
Oh, wondering about the flip over. She keep doing spins on this. You cannot do all the spins when
you do an electric slide. Can't wait for the next one. Everybody, please come to the next
last year's single celebration or whatever. I'll come to the next one. All right. Is it Malkia?
There we go. Okay. Yep. Malkia, just like Nokia, Ikea. Actually, let me turn up my volume here.
All right. So I am moving on to phase three. And I just had a question on
situation. So I have a
what is that? Oh, I'm sorry. There's they're giving me a little message here about
taking my hand down. I had a question about. So I have I'm part of a friend group, WhatsApp group.
That's a Christian group. And so there's
Lots, there's probably like half, half of the people in the group are probably men and the
other half are women. It's like 170 of us. So we have a lot of meetups and get-togethers and stuff.
And so I had a question. So if, so I have a lot of different acquaintances and friends in the group,
how do you turn those sort of casual situations into potential dates, but not, you know, but you
want to portray that it's more of a casual type of date. You're not, you know, you're not trying
to say you want to marry the guy or anything like that. Cause usually when you're in a group like
that, people are very, they're very nervous about asking people out cause they don't want to be in
a situation where they have to feel like they have to leave the group if it doesn't work out,
those kinds of things. Yep. So what you're going to have to say is whoever this potential person
you would like to get to know more, you can say, I know that we're in the meetup group and this
could probably be a little odd, but I want to encourage you not to feel odd about it. Very low
stakes. Would you be interested in getting to know me outside of just regular friendship? If so, we
could grab a cup of coffee. If not, that's completely fine also. No pressure. Okay. That
sounds good. And that way they can give a straight up answer. They don't feel like they have to,
they have to oblige you. You've already put it out on the table. Like, you know,
you put any feeling they had out in front of them and they know that you accept it.
And then you don't have to worry about all the weird stuff.
You know, somebody like them wondering, are you trying to say this? No, I'm saying what I just,
I'm saying what I'm saying. And this is what I'm saying. Yeah, exactly. Cause I mean,
you don't know them that well. They're just interesting. And maybe you'd like to get to know
them more. Yeah. And that's what you could say. Like, I think you're interesting. I would like
to get to know you more. I'm not trying to make it an official date, just low stakes. Grab a cup
of coffee to see if we would be interested in getting to know each other better. Okay. That
was a good one. I'm going to take a look at the chat now.
Hello. Hello. Listen, yeah, your friend laying it down thick. I'm thinking we're going to have to
get them some dancing shoes after a while. What do you mean by that?
You can wear dancing shoes to your reception after you're ready.
Look. Look, I don't know about all this. Like I'm starting to, I'm really freaking out. Like
I keep waiting. I want, I think I'm wanting God to say no. Cause I'm freaked. I don't know. I'm
like, I don't know if I'm ready for all this. I don't know. Well, the thing about it is ladies
like, okay, when you're older, like everything is like in faster motion. I want to go back and
be younger. This is like, I mean, especially cause he's so much older, it's going way too
fast for me. Like, but I, you know, I just watched 60 minutes the other night and the
guy's talking about once you hit 75 men and women are going to fall off the cliff. And I'm like,
what? Like, like that's when everything starts going downhill. And I'm like,
so I don't know. I'm kind of freaked. I'm just freaking out a little bit, but I mean, he's still
been really good. But the other thing I'm worried about, we had a conversation or a text or something
and he mentioned something about cuddling. I said, snuggling, like something about snuggling.
He said something about cuddling. Then he said, he goes, I didn't know, but there's a difference
between those two. So I, I didn't know. I Googled it and looked it up. And apparently cuddling has
got more of a deeper intimacy thing going on there. So I'm like, is he trying to see if
is, is he like wanting to go there? Like, and I'm like, Oh no. Like now I've got to have this
conversation, but it feels too soon. And then I don't know, like, Hey Kim, y'all been on 15 dates?
Well, I've been on, what have I been on? Like 11, I think. I think I'm at 11.
How long have y'all been dating?
I met him, um, was it the first week in September? I think.
Honey, that man laying down. I told you.
He's laying it down because he's old because he's old. I shouldn't say that he's older,
but he, he's like, we don't have time to waste. Like, and I get it.
Like I kind of need to get on things too.
My kids are like, mom, this is your 10 years of travel.
Like you need to get out there and travel, like just go for it.
I'm like, no, you don't understand.
Like they don't understand either because it's like, I think, you know,
like I'm looking for a marriage and I'm not looking for a marriage tomorrow, but.
Oh, I don't know.
I just, and I, I've been praying to God about this.
I said, I don't think that you'd lead me this far.
Sure.
But I'm like, surely this isn't my person yet.
Lord, like, is this it?
Is this it?
I'm I'm, I don't know.
Like, so anyway, that's where I'm at and I'm going to have to have the sex talk.
I think.
And I'm, I don't know, like I'm trying to figure out how to, how to do all this.
It's you know what, that's the reason I was afraid of getting
in dating in the first place.
I didn't want to deal with all this stuff.
Like what did you want to do?
Meet the man, the man right at the door.
I just, I wanted God to give me the, I don't know.
I just wanted, well, I think the problem is honestly, Ebony, the problem is, okay.
I told you he's Catholic.
He believes, but he's not like we all like, you know, he's not about Jesus.
Like, I don't, I don't mean to offend anyone if anyone's Catholic, but you know,
there's Catholics that are really like into it, but you know, basic Catholics,
they go to mass, they don't get a lot out of it.
They don't, they don't feel the spirit.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, and I didn't think God would give me, I thought he was going to give me a
man that was going to lead me and be there with me.
I, I think he's willing to go to church with me, but like, I don't know.
I just, I don't know.
I just, I'm in a, I'm kind of feeling anxious and I don't want to feel anxious
and I know I don't need to, cause the Lord's going to take care of this.
And I know that, but I, um, I mean, honestly, I'm feeling anxious and I'm,
and I, I don't want to, I'm trying not to, and I keep praying about it.
And I said, I don't have to be anxious or afraid you are with me.
I know.
I know that you're by my side and you're not, you know, it's all going to go well.
If this is my person, it's all going to go well, all of it.
And if it's not, I need to know, right.
I need to know.
Let me, I'll help.
Let's, let's give, let's give some perspective.
You're going to feel much safer once we're done giving perspective, unless
you decide not to lean into it.
Um, but first I want you to look at what you desire in a husband.
Now you want a husband who is integrous.
You want a husband that is teachable.
And so when you evaluate his spirituality, if he's made Jesus Lord of his life, I
want you to evaluate to see if he has a teachable heart.
And I want you to pray this prayer to the Lord.
If you're going to consider this man, right.
Because you, this is not a comment that you're running out of time, but you have
more time behind you than in front of you.
Right.
And if we're talking about biologically, so there's a scripture that
says, and the Lord taught me this.
There's a scripture that when, you know, Samuel went out to anoint the King,
every son he looked at, he said, surely this is the one, every one of
Jason's sons, surely this is the one.
Surely, surely, surely.
And he said, this is the one he looks so good.
He's this, this, this.
And then God says that you judge the outer appearance, but I,
the Lord judge the heart.
And this was the Lord told me, he said, Ebony.
Well, he didn't say this.
This is what I deduce from it.
From that example he gave me, I started asking the Lord to show me how you have
judged this man's heart.
How have you judged this man's heart?
And so I want you to ask the Lord.
I don't know your friend's name, but I would like for you to ask the Lord,
Lord, how have you judged, you know, Tommy's heart?
Okay.
That's one thing.
So you'll find safety in there because the Lord will speak.
You don't, you don't have to be anxious.
Another reason why you're feeling a little anxious.
If he's talking to you about cuddling, it's nothing wrong with it.
There's a step.
He wants to be closer to you.
He likes you.
But before you get to, can we cuddle?
There is a conversation that talks about where is this going?
Now he's not used to those conversations because you didn't have to have
conversations like that in your day and time.
If you don't want me to go study long enough, y'all spending all your time
together, you're not talking to nobody else.
It's just we're together.
Nobody had all these rules.
Men didn't do that kind of stuff.
They do now.
They didn't play women.
They found a wife.
They usually settled down.
That's the way it went.
And they pursued her.
She never had to drop a hanky or ask them nothing that just any man would
have never even said that out his mouth.
Even if he was nervous, that's.
It's not how it used to be so in his mind. It's kind of like
We're together
Well for you and him to want to have conversations with him about sex before we even go there
This will be a good leeway
So I noticed you talked about cuddling and snuggling and to me that kind of lends itself to something that can lead into sex
And so before we have that conversation
I want to know you
Would
I would prefer we have a conversation about who we are. What are you proposing that we are?
And where are we and where would you like to go?
Not you tell me what we are. What are you proposing within yourself that we are?
What would you like
And where do you want to take this?
Right, and so those are all him questions not telling giving you direction
You're just getting up front his direction because what happens is if you say to him, where are we going?
When he says he wants to marry you you're going to feel obliged
You're going to feel like oh
He want to do this and he want to do that. I don't know if I want to do that
Without a doubt it's gonna happen if you use we and he tells you what we want to do
you want to know what
He has in his mind to do
Right and so you already you're establishing and it's going to make a shift you're going to feel it
You're not going to even carry what he says
You're going to see him as his respective person and you're going to see your ability to make your own decision
And at that point kim you're going to have to make a decision and that's fine, too
You're going to feel very safe because you're going to get to make the decision
Okay, so if we're exploring what you want like god show me how you judge this man's heart
And the lord will show you that indeed you're going to get to evaluate him
You've been around him enough to evaluate him. Does he honor boundaries? Is he respectful? Um,
Like you start evaluating him based on what you desire and let's
I'm not
I'm, not saying spiritual doesn't matter but let's just sit that one thing
There so, you know you right now he's not up to that par and then check out all the other areas
Okay, that makes sense, yeah, that's good
And so one of the things the reason why you're a little anxious is because you're trying to make decisions in the dark
And so what happened is I just cut the light on
You're not where he wants you to be. You're not somewhere else. You're right where you are and you're in a good place
You had a good time with a wonderful man
And sometimes no matter what age we are we switch up the good for the great
Because if there was a man knocking on your door right now, and he was wonderful
You'll be able to easily walk away from one thing and move into the next thing
it's just a
It's it's not even like you think I found him and it took this much time
Well, he came in this month, but things can switch and change around so very quickly
And so don't allow scarcity or any thoughts of fear about what could be not be although i'm not saying that you are
But when you see them trying to creep in and just push them back because you're not in the land of scarcity
Okay, but I so
I said I was still looking on the dating sites kind of just seeing what's out there
Just in case because in case god put someone in front of me, but then i'm not dating anybody else
I am not seeing anybody else. I'm not but it's not because you've chosen him. It's just because no one else has
well, because I haven't really been actively as active as I was because i'm dating somebody like now, you know two times a week or
You know
That's true. You're pretty tied up there can
I know
Well, once you get the straight of these things and uh, you can have a heart-to-heart conversation with him
Then when you get ready to have a conversation if you felt like oh another one more thing I want to say
Sometimes it can be very distracting for you to operate in the mindset
I know god wouldn't do this or god wouldn't do that god
I thought she's gonna do it like this and god wouldn't do it like that. Sure
God will tell me this this is the one god pick god. This is the one you bring
It's a lot of responsibility on god and not very much on you
Yeah
God doesn't choose your mate
I believe that he will bring a suitor before you
And you can use the wisdom that he put in you and lean on the guidance of the holy spirit in your choosing
And I believe that god will give you his vote
But he is not going to say kim. This is your husband. You better marry him. That's not who he is
He doesn't even make us do that with salvation
We freely choose and so that language can put you under this like god you're doing this
I guess that's how god wanted. I guess he just want me to be whatever. I guess gaga gaga gaga gaga
And it's not a god thing
This is a Kim in partnership with God because she trusts that her good father has something
really good and she wouldn't dare choose a spouse without her father's approval.
Like she wouldn't do it. She knows that he knows what's best and he's always going to give her best.
And so we have free will we have to you do and when you operate items that's true and God
God likes that you're confident in the wisdom that's on the inside of you.
He likes that you're confident he has equipped you to make good decisions.
Just like you raise your children and when they make good decisions you look at them and say yes
that's how I raised them. You don't you know if you're a grown child even when your children get
a certain day keep coming well mom what's your this or mom what you think you like make your own
decisions. You don't know how to make a decision. It's like this crippling handicap and we you know
I'm saying like there's a level of there's a dependency on God I'm not saying that but I'm
saying the Lord has equipped you Kim you set in a program that told you exactly what to look for.
One of the things that we perish for the Bible says that we perish for lack of knowledge.
You don't lack knowledge. You don't lack wisdom nor understanding. You have an active
Holy Spirit working in you and I want you to be confident in that. I think that said I think I
think maybe I'm forgetting that it's like I think it's it's on me and I'm not trusting myself but
I've I've I've worked with the Lord and I've done the hard work and we've worked together and
talked and partnered and I just need to trust that yeah I I guess I'm forgetting that yeah.
Yeah it's a refresher that's all I came to do is give you the refresher we all need it
and the language of God is going to do the in God and I know God it's really a trap we just
don't know and that's why I said the quicker you can change that that language you won't feel that
that you can't do it that language alone says you can't do nothing.
You and that's what that's what you're creating but you're not trying it's a common language
but when you say I know that my God is with me I am God defended I cannot lose because he is
going to lead me right I know that he's with me I'm going to get on his phone and I'm going to
have a real conversation with this man like and I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to share my thoughts
with him I'm not afraid that I can lose God is with me that right there produces something else
in you so I'm not meaning to drag it out but I hope this is helpful to the rest of you all too
because it really that language thing matters. Thank you thank you you're welcome please
let us know how it goes Kim you're gonna do great I will thanks you're welcome Felicia
is Felicia still here I'm here oh see okay I'm here hey girl how was the date
oh my goodness continue to learn so much huh
oh my goodness man I tell you when I'm done with this I'm gonna be like
ebony and I'm excited about that yeah we you know like I said he the officer he drove two and a half
hours and he had a little bit of setback that he had to puff someone before he came so you know he
came so that was integrity but when he came I wish I could do the demonstration he came and then
he came from his truck and then he just started looking at me it was a little dark it was lit
but it was a little dark it was daytime so he came a little later which he told me he was
but then he came out of his truck and he started looking at me from here like tilt his head and he
put his eyes all the way down to my foot and I said why are you looking at me like that and he
had a picture of me because you know we were talking for at least two two and a half maybe
two and a half weeks he said and I said why are you looking at me like that and he said well
um I'm looking because women like to hide themselves and I don't want to think I see you
and then when I go home I didn't
and he said women like to hide themselves because we should allow ourselves to be seen
because either we're big or small so if the man wants to go along with it then they they will
I said, I said, oh, interesting, interesting.
And then I said to him, I said,
what if when you step out of your truck,
I started stripping you to look at you to see what I want.
Would that be nice?
And I said, you know what, maybe you're bored.
Let's go walk.
Like we said, we were going to do and talk.
And then, you know, he was just talking and you know,
but I already knew that was it.
I didn't like the way he,
I don't think that's how you're supposed to look at someone
when you meet with them.
You know, our men, thank God we prayed for them
because honestly, I know other people are praying for them,
but we spend time in the morning here to pray for them
because I heard a lot of things, you know, women
and thank God I'm a part of the LYS
who teaches us how to pray.
And I knew how to before,
but it empowers me how to see just their growth
and how they do things.
But I will, I still, you know, one of the things I look at
and I said, what if it wasn't me who have a high self-image?
What if it was another woman?
It would have broke their heart and you know,
which it could.
And that's why I said,
it's so important for us as women to build our self-image.
And that's what you guys help us to do
is to build a strong self-image.
And when men like that, when men do those things to us,
we know where to put it.
I walk away and someone said, how was the date?
And I'm like, what date?
I was like, I forget about it.
My friend asked me today,
he said, you didn't tell me about the date.
I swear to God, I forget it.
I forget it.
I didn't remember because I held my head high
and I'm still sweet like pineapple.
Didn't bother me at all.
And I told him, thank you for coming.
Thank you for the effort that you made.
And you know, that was it.
Yeah.
No, I totally understand.
Yeah, that was out of order.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's not a pleasant experience at all.
That is not.
That, yeah.
That is not.
No.
And I didn't feel like I need to discuss it with him.
He knows, he's 59.
I know age doesn't matter.
He has girls too.
But that's just to meet and let us know that,
you know, that's not.
And in the beginning I met with him
because I know you remind us to meet with them
as long as we're safe and we're not, you know.
So I like that, you know, meet with them and to see him.
Let me tell you, I am learning so much how,
even when I'm talking to them on like the chat
and I'm moving into a conversation,
I don't waste time to move it over there.
And one of them, he said, he's a real cowboy.
I was ready for that one.
He said he wants to meet me because he's in Virginia.
And I said, okay.
He, I don't know what he said talking about Jamaican woman.
And then he said he married to a Haitian woman
and she was younger and he kind of paid her to leave.
And I don't know, he was just pitching those things at me.
But then he said, you seem like a good woman.
And I said, what do you mean by that?
You know, I kind of like to ask them what they mean by that.
But anyway, he said he wants to get to know me more.
And then this evening at 7.32, he said,
well, I'm in bed.
I'm in bed and I'm like, okay.
I said, good night.
Have a good rest.
Right.
Going to the gym.
So, you know, those are the things like when they say
his wife left and his wife,
he said he came when she was crying every day.
Why would you want to be in a million dollar home
and you're crying every day?
Well, apparently he showed me why,
because 7.32, you want to get to know someone
and you're in bed.
So easy to see them like, oh my God,
I'm so excited that I can get to see them
and know them from the beginning,
because I'm like, you're going to set time to know someone.
You're going to spend 10 minutes
to talk to them after work, right?
Right.
But you're in bed.
I mean, I know they go to work early and all of that,
but he's in bed 7.32.
I said, good night.
Have a good rest.
I'm going to, I'm going to the gym.
Right.
That's why I'm in bed.
That's why the wife was crying,
apparently, because you were not emotionally there,
even though she was in a million dollar home.
You know, just God help our man and stay high and stay.
Ladies, we can do this.
We're getting our spirit made
and we're learning how to do it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much for singing, Felicia.
I'm so happy for you.
What number date is this for you?
What's that for you?
Four.
My, my, my.
How things do change.
Yeah.
And then the one, I never forget to tell you
about the one who had brought lunch for me.
You know, he does have a emotional problem.
We're a very sweet guy, love his family and stuff.
But whenever you talk to him,
he gets a little snappy, not rude.
And I do ask him, where's that coming from?
And he said, well, I'm talking to you.
And I think, I didn't think you were on the phone
or you weren't interested.
And he complained a lot about I'm not giving him
the same amount of time he's giving me.
And he's a little bit, you know, rough about it.
And I said to him, I said, but we don't,
where's that coming from?
I keep asking, where is that coming from?
Why are you so frustrated?
And he can't answer me.
So I told him, I said, listen, that's a problem for me.
I want someone who likes to talk about what's going on.
And I said, if you get frustrated
and then you're like, there you go again.
Like if I said to him, why were you frustrated?
He said, there you go again, right there.
It means that you're not a communicator.
You're not willing to talk about the situation.
So I let him know that if you're not gonna,
I said, I'm not looking for that.
I said, sorry, you know, maybe you're a great guy
for someone else, but I am not looking for that.
I'm not looking for that challenge.
You know, I let them know upfront, like you said,
what did you say?
You say something a while ago.
Clarity is kindness?
It's kind, yes.
Clarity is kind and I do believe that.
So that's it.
So I'm getting out there and you know what?
I want this dating site to be my story.
And that's why I'm not giving up on it.
Even though sometimes I feel like I want to,
but I do feel I need to let it be my story.
Oh, that's good.
I'm excited for you.
Thank you, Ebony.
You're welcome.
Wow, Sarah, why are you coming on?
Mika, is your hand still up from the beginning
or were you in?
I put it down and then I put it back up.
I'm sorry for the confusion.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That means I've been skipping over you, ain't it?
Okay.
I shouldn't have said something,
but I was enjoying listening to the ladies share too.
Okay, I'll get you after Sarah.
I thought, I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't, I didn't know.
Yeah, I do have you on here after Sarah.
Okay, sorry about that.
Go ahead, Sarah.
So I don't have any really updates
with any guys this week or anything like that,
but two questions kind of.
So I was talking to one guy and he,
I live in Arkansas and he lives in North Carolina.
And I just, we were talking for a while on an app
and I just realized I may not be at a point
where I feel like I can do long distance.
And he seems like a great guy.
I have not had an actual phone caller with him or anything.
Anyway, I started telling him about this program.
How do I get him a link for the guy side of things?
What you do is you send him,
you go to resources and let me see something.
Go to resources and you go to LYS affiliate program.
And so you give him your affiliate link.
Okay, so that'll work for men too?
Yes.
Okay.
And then when he, I'm hoping.
But if it doesn't, I'll ask,
let me send Bethany a message.
Carla just told me that I could use that link today
for a guy.
Go ahead.
Someone's talking.
Go ahead, whoever's saying that.
Sorry, I was saying Carla told me
I could use that affiliate link today for a guy.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Perfect.
Thank you.
So, and then on that same note,
so I'm excited to send him that.
And then I also have a friend that she's a newer friend.
We met at church.
She's also single dating.
Anyway, I'm gonna send her one too.
So I, even though I'm kind of struggling
with the dating thing
cause it's just not many prospects right now.
I will say, I do feel like God's moving
in a lot of other ways
where I've had married friends forever.
And I feel like he's finally bringing some single ones
through church and helping me in that community there.
So I'm thankful for that.
But my other question was,
if I'm trying to tell if this is my pride getting in the way
or if this is a logical thing to think.
But so I've had a couple cases where talking to a guy
on an app and then he'll stop responding.
And then like a week or two later
he'll come back and say something.
I know I've done that before when it's in the past
cause I've dated on dating apps in the past
and I've done it before when I'm not interested in a guy
and then like something's not working out
with somebody else.
And so I go back to that guy
and like, I'm not actually that interested.
I've been there.
So that's how I.
I feel like the guys that are doing that,
I feel like they're not interested,
they're just bored maybe.
But is that my pride getting in the way?
Should I give him another chance, talk to him again, or?
I don't know.
I can't say that it's pride.
And I think that,
I think that what it speaks to
is that you weren't the first preference.
That's probably what you're feeling.
I don't want to say that.
And everybody desires to be of first preference.
And so I'm not gonna say that.
I do know one way you can fix it
is if they don't talk to you after a week
or something, just unfriend them in the app.
That's true.
If you're gonna find that you're torn
whether to talk back to them or not.
So I am, let me tell you a little bit about my personality.
If I feel like something is gonna put me in a spot
where I don't know what to do
or cause me any kind of confusion,
I'll cut it out.
I'll come with a reasonable amount of time
and say, okay, if this person hasn't talked to me a week
that shows me they're not interested.
If this person hasn't talked to me within two weeks
that shows me they're not interested.
I'm willing to give them two weeks
so they may be busy.
They may go out of town.
They may not get on the app until the weekend.
That's how I was.
So my work, I didn't talk through the week.
I didn't have the capacity for it
because I get to teach young minds.
But I was a little hit and miss
and I was quick to move out of the app
because if I'm gonna get to know somebody
I wasn't gonna be able to do the app.
So I would set a reasonable time.
Okay, in two weeks if they haven't, I just block them.
It's not a hard thing.
It's just that so that I won't go back.
Should I talk to you again?
Should I not talk to you again?
Okay.
Hilda says she does it in three days.
So yeah, so but pick whatever you're comfortable with.
Pick that.
Okay.
Yeah.
And- That helps.
That helps.
Do you have another question?
No.
Okay, this wasn't to rush you.
No, no, yeah, this wasn't to rush you.
I just wanna ask something.
You know, this process, this journey,
we talked about this.
It is definitely a faith journey.
But one of the things that I think I'm gaining insight on
is when we sign up to partnership with the Lord,
his marriage is easy for him,
but his goal isn't marriage, it's you.
Mm-hmm.
And I know we feel like, okay, I got a program.
Do it now.
Now, do your part, God.
Bring him.
Where is he?
Bring him.
He ain't showed up.
Where he at?
Bring him.
And so then it comes down to,
is God your vehicle to your husband?
Or is he the one you're in partnership with for your life?
You are speaking to me because I have,
I'm trying not to cry right now,
but in the past week or two,
totally have realized how I've idolized marriage.
And I'm almost,
it's almost like I've gotten closer to God in the past year
as a means to an end to get a husband.
And I don't wanna be like that.
And so I'm trying to figure out how to balance
still trying to date without making that
the only reason I'm close to God.
I don't know if that makes sense,
but he has convicted me this past week or two that,
this is not your end goal, Sarah.
Like this, your end goal is to get your purpose in me
and figure out what that is and live for him.
And so, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad.
Yes.
And it's a real thing.
It's hard.
For all people.
And yeah, and it's the perspective in your heart.
If you don't know it,
you're gonna find yourself being offended with God,
accusing God,
because you don't even recognize the motive
of what you're operating under.
So if he is the vehicle to the ends,
to the means to getting your spouse,
you're gonna always be in conflict with God
in how he does things.
Because God, if he's gonna put his stamp of approval,
you're gonna say, that's the man that he brought you.
Then he knows he has to stretch you for capacity.
He knows that you don't know the woman that you're,
the more fullness of who you are,
and that you're subject to choose a man
where you are right now.
And in his goodness, he guards you
because the man you would choose today
does not have the capacity
for the woman you'll be in five years.
And God knows just with a little more seasoning,
a little more storms and wind,
a beast of a woman is gonna come out of you.
And the man that you choose today
will not be suitable for where you're going.
But you don't know these things
because God is your vehicle to a means to a husband
instead of the one you partnership and do life with.
And you turn to him and say,
okay, father God, where are we on the journey right now?
What are you developing in me?
I know whatever you're doing is gonna be good
because you're getting me.
somewhere you're taking me somewhere but that is the conflict it is a real conflict because you're
in an active faith journey for a spouse you're believing him for a spouse and you don't put one
down for the other you actually do both at the same time and so that's why when we start realizing
that sometimes marriage can be it'll go back and forth you'll go back and forth and that's why we
have a hard time we pick up the pen and we put it down we pick up the pen guy's writing my love
why I sure can't see how he's writing so I need to do something they tell me I'm on a date why
I'm not getting a date I'm doing exactly what they say I do this abc equals this and then it's
this frustration that come because it's like what you want from me god Susan got married she ain't
have to do all this yes that's exactly you're saying every thought I have had for the past two
every thought most all women have and then it's well maybe I had my time maybe I had and I passed
it up I should have did it when I was young I should have stuck with it I should have
and then you hear Jackie say God's gonna do it marriage it's not a hard thing and it's like oh
yeah sure it's not a hard thing but she's seen God prove himself so much that she knows that
hard thing but we do know what is the challenging thing is us because we don't stay out of the way
long enough and we don't get we don't actually know the process that we're in and because we
don't know the process that we're in we haven't bought into the process yet yep but God is so
gracious and kind that he keeps walking with us in the process and he's not asking you to not choose
a spouse he's not asking you to just walk this way he's just saying let's take the journey
and we'll come to an expected end yep we'll come to the expected end and so I just want to
encourage y'all in there because it is a real conflict it can be a real conflict happening
within you um about how all of this is going and perspective shifts the heart and puts it in a
position to be able to receive the goodness of what God is doing what he wants to do and what
he will do in your life it literally will shift you and put you at a place where you can stop
being offended with your father when you can stop worrying with the one that you say you trust and
you're depending on to make something happen and he's not trying to make something happen he is
trying to fulfill a greater purpose in you and guess what marriage is in there too your fear
that marriage is not in there is the problem but it is I don't worry you are speaking right to me
tonight I was so mad at him last night I was in such a mood I was so mad at him why are you doing
this to me and no because it's not the point marriage is not the point I thought I had done
the hard work but I this phase two is this is some serious artwork so I know hard work doesn't
stop and you need these things to come irritant against you yeah so what's in you can come out
and got to put in or all these other things can bubble up and come out so those true things that
are within you can live and so I just want to say that I don't I don't want to take time up from
other questions but thank you because you spoke everything you said has been my thoughts the past
couple two weeks so thank you you're welcome Sarah
Mika
wow I love that I love that I tried to put on my camera
oh I know you're driving I pulled I pulled over so I'm at my destination but um
yeah um uh my question is so I went to this um event that was for uh Christian Singles it was
actually in Pennsylvania I think it was like I'm sorry it was like I think it was like southern
New Jersey or middle New Jersey and um basically it starts off where we had like a breakfast where
everyone's sitting and there was this gentleman he had actually um he's he didn't identify as
Jewish but he said he actually converted to Christianity because a Jew Jews for Jesus
witnessed to him so he was just sharing his whole testimony and sharing showing us all the pictures
so it was male and female we were just sitting and we had just finished breakfast
and um and hey I just thought he was kind of cute and he's you know he was made an effort to ask me
about my um he asked what did he ask he asked why did I like animals it was something off
off the cuff and um and then I mentioned that I had been to Israel before
and we were kind of chatting a little bit but it was kind of like it wasn't really a date
because like other people were kind of chiming in too.
So it was kind of like a shared conversation.
So it doesn't count.
It's not my one.
But afterward, we went to visit the animals
in like an animal shelter.
And so the lady was putting it together.
She organized that.
So I thought that was kind of cool.
And I kind of was like noticing him,
but I thought he was maybe checking someone else out
or just talking to someone else.
And I ended up just kind of gravitating
toward this other group of people or on the other side.
And, but more toward the end, when we're heading out,
he was leaving at the same time I was.
And I heard him singing, humming a song.
So, and he was walking not too far from me.
And I was thinking about what you,
one of the activations in the recording
to do something out of the ordinary.
It's okay to like, you kind of gave us permission
to start conversations with a guy.
It's not, doesn't mean that you're like leading them on.
And I think I did have those recorders in my head
somehow.
And so I asked him, I said, I said,
oh, he's a worshiper too,
which is totally just not me to do that.
Just the opposite.
And he said, I said, no, I said, oh, he sings too.
That's what I said.
I didn't say worship.
I said, he sings too.
And he said, so this is my win, I guess I'm sharing too.
But he said, I love to worship.
And then I loved it.
Oh, that's nice.
I don't know what else to say.
I went blank.
So my question is, what would you have thought
would have been a good way to keep the conversation going
that would have been not too forward appropriate
for someone that I'm just meeting for the first time.
We never really, you know,
we were having a few conversations here and there,
not really engaging the entire event though.
Yeah, so just any kind of suggestions you could,
where I am planning on going to other events
that they may have in the area
and he's planning on going to,
cause I found that out from what I was hearing.
So that's one question.
Then the other question, if there's time,
is if you have ever had an experience
where you'll stop yourself in those moments
where you can keep the conversation going,
how did you get away from that?
Because I can, now that I think back,
someone can take that as, oh, she must not like me.
And I imagine I have done that probably
in the past before HeartWork.
Yeah.
And so I'm glad that you had the conversation
that sounded fun.
Yeah, it was fun to step out of the comfort zone.
And then after it, I was like, uh-oh.
I don't know what to say.
I think that you can say,
I think one of the most powerful things we can do
is be ourself.
And I know that,
it takes a conscious effort to just be you.
And so when you run out of words to say,
say, I don't even know what to say right now.
Let's just have a moment of silence
until I gather myself.
Like, right?
And so you don't have to be on people.
What comes from a heart flows out from the heart.
It's a heart to heart thing.
People know when you're being vulnerable
and they just be like, yeah, they're fine.
They're fine with me.
Just be who you are.
And I do want you to lean into just being who you are
and saying what you would say.
And if you said it and it was goofy, guess what?
Then Mika is goofy.
That's what makes Mika who she is.
When Mika run out of words to say,
yeah, that's what makes Mika who she is.
I remember one time I ran up,
I'm gonna hurry up because I know we got short time.
I had told myself this guy, he was fine.
And I was like, this was some years ago,
maybe like six years ago.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I was like, I was having these thoughts in my head.
Oh, that guy's not gonna wanna talk to you
because you're fat.
Like, those are the thoughts in my mind.
That guy's not gonna wanna talk to you
because you're big.
And I said, I'm not gonna let these thoughts run me.
Like I had been meditating on not letting my thoughts
tell me this guy's so fine.
I said, I'm gonna go up and ask him for his number.
Like I had never done nothing like that before.
So I talked myself into it.
I jumped up and I said, do you have a girlfriend?
I didn't even know he said, yeah.
It's you, he said, yeah.
I thought he said, no, my mind didn't hear nothing.
I was like, can I have your number?
He was like, yeah.
He gave me his number.
I was like, I did it.
And when I sat back down in my desk, I said,
what the man, did he say he had a girl?
Yeah.
So he texts me and I was like,
I was like, did you say you had a girlfriend?
And he was like, yeah, but it's not a problem.
And I said, I think it is.
And then I was like, look,
I just wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Talk to somebody.
I said, we're not.
Well, I don't know if I said that's who I would be now
to say something like that.
I ended up trying to find, I just told,
oh, I told him, I said, oh, you talking to somebody
that I don't really wanna get involved
with anything like that.
But anyway, so that's the same example of me just was like,
my mouth already focused on one thing.
I didn't hear nothing he said.
All I had in my mind was I was gonna defeat the lies
that told me that somebody wasn't gonna desire me,
that they couldn't speak for themselves
if they didn't want me and say,
hey, I don't wanna get to know you.
My whole goal was to conquer the lies
of the enemy in my head.
I accomplished it.
I'm just sharing that sometimes we get caught up
when we're stepping out, doing something new.
You're lost for words.
You don't know what to say next.
And all I'm saying, Mika, is that it's okay too.
Cause it's a really funny story.
Thank you ladies.
But yeah, but you can always say,
I'm lost for words.
I can't believe that you're a worship leader
because I would just think to myself,
is he a worshiper?
And then you can always say,
if it's something about them that you have experience with,
you can share that.
You can be like, oh, that's pretty cool.
You can just say, that's really cool.
I admire that.
I like that.
What got you involved in worship?
When did you start worship?
So you can always take the thing that they say
and ask them when did it start?
Or what draws them to something?
If you just want like, you know, small talk conversation.
That's helpful.
That's both of those.
Those are, that's really helpful.
The story and with the context and the actual tips.
Just show up.
Yeah, be Mika.
Okay, cool.
Cool, cool.
This is the L-A-U-R-A, Laura.
Yes.
Hey, Laura.
Hello, it was so good to meet you in person
on Sunday night.
And to meet Jackie and David in person too.
And Helen as well.
And the elders I was with at the retreat or whatever.
But, so I think we will all start.
Ladies definitely go next time if you're able or whatever.
Yes.
Because it was awesome or whatever.
But yeah, because I'm not on apps,
but I have started asking friends that I trust
if they know of someone that they would recommend
that I meet.
And so Wednesday night when I was like packing,
getting ready to leave like early Thursday morning,
I had found some pictures that I was like,
they were taken like 20 years ago
of like some friends we used to go to church with.
And so I texted the husband and wife and yeah.
And so then just in like texting,
I happened to ask them if they knew of anyone
that they would recommend.
And the husband actually said that there's a single guy.
His name is David in his fifties.
And I just turned 57 on Sunday or whatever.
So I'm gonna go to their church on Sunday.
Yay.
And they're gonna introduce me to David.
So we'll see how it goes.
That's gonna be nice.
Please keep us updated.
I will.
Well, mine was on Sunday night.
Did you just?
Or Sunday.
Oh, I did too.
You did say it was your birthday.
Yeah, happy birthday.
Okay, cool.
All right, keep us updated.
Thank you, Sarah.
You have the Laurie with-
Oh, I definitely will.
Okay.
Yeah, did they send a picture?
No?
No.
Laurie?
No, I didn't see a picture.
I'm trying not to like-
That's helpful.
I'm just gonna go and like-
Yeah, just go.
And meet him or whatever.
Yeah.
The worst that could happen is if he didn't have-
Yeah, cause otherwise like if I see a photo
and then like I have like these like, yeah.
Yeah.
Cause also like I met someone at our church like years ago.
I mean, I was married and his name was John.
And like when I initially met him before I got married,
yeah, like I wasn't really interested in him.
I ended up inviting him to like a wedding with me.
And like he came cause I ended up being home from Italy
when a girlfriend was getting married.
And then I regretted that I had invited him
cause like he's kind of a nerd or whatever.
I mean, he's a really nice guy.
And, but over the years when I was having like
really lows in my marriage,
I kind of had like an emotional like connection
with this John guy or whatever.
And then like, I had to like, just like cut it all off
or whatever, cause it wasn't like fair
to like my husband at the time, whatever.
So, but I just realized,
even if I'm-
I'm attracted to somebody like initially that if I get to know a nice person and that
That that does change like how I see them
Mm-hmm. Yeah, gotcha. That's cool
All right
Laurie T'Challa
Is that how you say your last name?
It's Takala
Takala
Yeah
Okay, go for it, yeah, okay, so I went on a date tonight
like in-person date
This is a totally new guy actually shared super quick this this afternoon. I
So, you know that turn on the dime prophecy and what I'll say to preface it is I'm not I am not saying
Okay, this is it. This is
From the Lord, but I'm just noticing things so I found a dime on the ground at church on
Sunday and to be honest with you like I'm like, yeah, whatever like sometimes I know my heart like can be like
offended or
Just
Like I
Question sometimes that kind of thing like and that doesn't mean that's gonna determine my life, right?
Right, but but I did find it and I immediately when I saw a dime on the ground
I thought of the word turn on the dime. So I picked it up
and stuck it in my purse and
anyway, the next day I I had opened up my Facebook dating again and the next day I matched with this guy in
Indiana and
I
Started the next day and like we just really hit it off and
Just had so much fun. Just so light-hearted so easy just like
so many shared interests, he's an architect and I
love design like interior design and
He loves to cook and
I love to cook and like he sounds like he's a
great cook and like
Just like so many just shared interests like the converse and so anyway
He's like I'm actually heading home now if you want a video
Chat, I think he said would you if you'd like my number I can send it to you
And so I said, yeah, sure. That'd be great. I said I'd love to chat sometime or maybe even
Do a video chat and then he messaged back. He's like I am gonna be home this evening
Do you want to hop on a video call? So here it is within like
48 hours. We were on a video call and
We talked for a couple hours. I know that's totally breaking the rules, but it was just so healthy and easy and
no weirdness, like no nothing like just
beautiful and fun and light-hearted and easy and
No, like yeah, and I just felt like I could totally be myself and
Then he's like, you know what? I actually am meeting a client up in your
Area tomorrow, which he was an hour south of here and we met for dinner today. Ah
And oh my gosh, like so some like exactly the same thing in
In person is like exactly the same like immediately when I saw him I
just
felt great about it and
It's just his energy is just like he's so humble
He's humble, but spirited. Does that make sense? Uh-huh
Just so kind like so kind to the waitress and
Such a gentleman and
Like the convert like we he's like I didn't want to leave
Like so we're definitely gonna be
continuing on
Like this is like, you know, I never did message back that guy Ramesh
Yes, as I thought you know what? I don't feel a connection, but if he does reach out again
I'll keep on just to
be discovery
Yeah, but
Nothing like this like
yeah, this is just like a
Feeling of somebody that would just be such a great companion like just so much fun and he's
Empathetic and he's he's so caring. He's smart
But he's like so understated as well, yeah
And it just has lots of qualities that he's peaceful.
Yeah, he prayed for our dinner.
He goes to the same church as my he actually lives like 20
minutes away from my nephew.
He goes to the same church. I mean, it's a it's a really big
church, but yeah. And loves his mom, his dad's no longer here,
but adores his mom, like, has a great relationship with his
sister. Like, yeah, like, no problems.
Yeah, let's see.
He has been married twice. So he was married for 14 years. And
then he was married for two years. And then he's been single
for three. And he did say that his he did say that that and
this was just like, a few sentences in a text, which I
wasn't even asking, but I can't remember what we were talking
but excuse me, but it was. But he said that one was a dumpster
fire was his terms. And I just said, Oh, I said, I, I said,
I'm something like, thank you. Thanks for your honesty. I hope
you're doing hope things are better now. Something like that.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm glad that you're dating someone local.
Yeah. Well, I mean, it's four hours, but it's not a plane
ride. Right? It's not a plane ride. Yeah. So that's good. I'm
excited to hear more about this. Yeah. Yeah. This is good, Laura.
Yeah, this is really good. Yes. Like no confusion. super clear
communication. Oh, I know what I was gonna say. He did come in
for a kiss. Uh huh. At the end. And he was forward but it wasn't
like a bad forward. It was sweet. Yeah. And it was too
quick for me. It was just more like a pack. Yeah, yeah. He
kissed me on the cheek and then he went to my lips. And I think
I was like, Yeah, he texted. He says, Oh, I'm sorry. I think I
was too forward. I mean, feeling I definitely feel I feel all the
great feelings, but I don't know him. Right. So I was just
gracious with him. And I I said, Hey, I appreciate the
communication. And I don't remember what else I said. But
I'm hoping that's not like indicative of something. I don't
I don't think so. indicative what you mean?
Have a red flag.
A red. It's not a red, red flag. It's just how long you've been
talking to him.
Days.
Well, really just two days. Okay. Yeah. So you know, it's that
phase when you meet somebody you like and they have all these
highlights. It feels so good. Oh, yeah. So good. Yeah. So some
parts he may be used to doing things that way. Right? He may
know, but it wasn't. It wasn't like a large. Well, let me get
there. So he could be used to doing things that way. He saw a
pretty woman and when a man sees a pretty woman that he wants to
kiss her. Now, I don't know what he's used to his dating, how he
has dated in the past. And that could speak to his approach. But
when you lay down your boundaries about the approach
you like, you get an opportunity to see him honor those
boundaries. So it doesn't necessarily mean at all that
it's a red flag. It means that that could be the way that he's
used to doing things in the past. And so it is so important
that we don't slap a red flag on everything that he's making
sexual comments to you. That's a totally different thing. But
when he kissed you on your cheek, Evan, I'm not trying to
say what you did or didn't do. But the jump back wasn't wasn't
quick enough. He maybe he felt like she wants more. You
probably was just being gracious like, Oh, I don't know what to
do. I didn't expect that. So you probably froze. We were hugging
and then coming out of the hug. He kissed. Oh, yeah. So that was
a quick to probably too quick for you to adjust your body or
100% whatever. And so he could have took that as a cue to go
in for the lips because he got away with the cheek. But once
you've explained to him, I'm sure you have that. Next time
that he thinks that he wants to kiss you, he needs to ask you
and kiss.
Right now
Yeah, yeah, so that's that's what I wanted to say. I wanted to top that out with it
It's not necessary. So you don't have to be afraid it is a red flag because everything is going so well
Because truth is you kept it at the forefront. You don't know him
So all the wonderful things that you noticed about him are just wonderful things that you've noticed
Yeah, because you really don't know who he is. Those things remain to be seen but you know that he's after a good foot
And so that's the good thing. Yeah, so
Yeah, let us know how it goes yeah, it's very fun. Yeah. Enjoy it
I don't want you to get caught up in it. This is it. This is the stuff. No, I feel I feel at ease
It wasn't bad energy at all. Yes, it was sweet
Good. Yeah, okay. Keep me updated. All right. Yay
Nikki from Florida
You
Hey, I'm a knee hey Nikki
I feel bad if I go next because I raised my hand like just a few minutes ago
Oh, I wasn't even sure I was gonna share but what you talked to Sarah about
Resonated with me and I can if there's time I can share at the end. Okay
Um
Joanne
Hello, hey, does that seem about right?
What do you mean the order yeah, sure, I mean
I do look better
Yeah
Well, I mean like dating
Goes to ride, you know
Like I don't know. It just takes me. It's just like anyways, so I'm not like actively dating
I have a I have more like updates and praise reports
Like I had a breakthrough with my mom because she's going through cancer, right? So she's very intertwined with like
How I see myself and dating because she's trying to break me up with men and spoken really negative toxic stuff and very controlling
and
Because of what her state we've had really candid conversation. She basically indirectly gave me her blessing to date
Whoever I think the Lord is bringing me which she's never done in my whole entire life
She's like really racist. She's like very opinionated and who she thinks I should marry and
So that was a huge breakthrough for me to be honest
to feel like this
Empowering feeling like oh my mom. Trust me. I
Can make because I think that's where the double-mindedness can come in when I decide on should I be with this?
Should I date this guy should I not?
So that's really huge. So I'm like
Kind of chilling out on dating too because you know, my mom's going through so much
I'm kind of taking care of a lot of things
I
Have a couple questions, but a one really cool thing is I got asked out by this 28 year old on fire
dude, I mean
I'm 46 dude. Like this guy had no idea
Like flatter I was like, whoa, I don't know and I haven't told him yes or anything
I don't even know if it's a good idea because I like that's that's like 18 years difference
but um
Yeah, I I'm not quite sure this is this is the thing I should be doing um
but something I'm more thinking about is like
so I have a couple friends that are really close to me and they have seen kind of like a history with me where
Like I have a lot of I have a lot of guy friends and
Like
I'll hang out with him one-on-one. And so they're like, I think you should stop hanging out with guys like one-on-one
because you're kind of getting like emotional needs from them and
And if you really want a husband you should like not
You know open up to them in that way like you should reserve for your husband
do I mean do you think that's true because
Like I definitely don't want to be like filling it up with like guys
You know what? I mean until like I've I'm God's like I'm in this serious relationship kind of thing
I mean, what are your thoughts about that? Cuz cuz I'm I am going through a hard time. You know what I mean? And
So
You
So if you were dating somebody, this wouldn't be a question,
right?
So you were like dating a couple of people.
So I don't think because you talk to guys
or have guy friends that it is taking up.
OK.
You could have a lot of guy friends
that you use to meet those needs in your life.
You could do that.
That's a possibility.
If you do that, you're going to show up emotionally
unavailable.
You probably won't appear as attractive
because you don't look like you're needing.
Does that make sense?
Because you're filling those voice with those people.
I don't take you to be that type of person.
I don't know everything about you,
but you do share things about yourself.
So I have not known you to say you've
been friends with somebody.
And now you make him like your man without saying it.
So I was thinking if you were saying
that the man was your friend, they would just literally
be your friend.
Well, I just want to make sure I'm not having like.
So I have a guy friend.
He's like 20 years older than me.
So we're not going to go there.
But I know he's attracted to me.
But people will think that because we'll hang out
like one on one, like for like a couple of hours.
And then we'll go out and do stuff outside,
you know, downtown or whatever.
And people will think, are you guys together?
You know what I mean?
And I do feel like I get like this masculine energy
from him.
You know, he's like still treats me.
He's just like that type of guy.
He's affirming.
But we talk a lot about dating, to be honest.
Like, we talk about different people in our lives.
And so I just want to make sure I'm preparing myself well
for my husband.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, it doesn't matter if y'all talk about dating.
You can talk about dating and still talk
to the man that you like.
And he could still be getting something
meant by talking to you.
And still talk to you about whoever you're dating,
whoever you with.
You know, you got married men who
talked to their side chick about their wife.
And they said she could give them advice on their wife.
So I'm just telling you, like, the dynamic
that you're talking about is not impossible.
But the fact that he likes you and that he treats you that way
because he likes you, but y'all are under the gas of friends,
but you know that he likes you and he does
treat you really well, that could
be a little sticky place.
So I will be mindful of that.
Unless when you go out, men are chasing you down
with a stick, it really doesn't matter
if you're out in public with this other guy
that's your friend.
Unless when you go out, men are always trying to talk to you.
And unless you're out with this friend of yours
every single weekend.
Like, you're tying up your whole life with him.
OK, so.
No, no.
It's, like, at most, like, once every two weeks
or something like that.
At most.
Joanne, that's a regular dating life.
Wait a minute.
Oh, really?
That's too often?
OK.
At most.
OK, so that's why I think my friend was like, Joanne,
I think you're not dating anyone,
but you're sort of, like, pseudo-dating,
even though I'm, like, I'm not dating him.
But you know what I mean?
That's why I'm like, I need to be careful,
especially because I'm more vulnerable, too, with my mom.
It is very emotional.
Like, I cry pretty often because she's, you know,
this is like, I don't know when she's going to die, right?
So you think I should be careful.
I should be careful?
I think that if you want to get to know this person,
if you like hanging out with them, hang out with them.
You're not in a relationship with anybody.
You are a single woman.
You are very single.
I think if a man came along and you thought that he was worth
it, you would go and talk to that man.
I don't believe that you're tied to whoever this other man is.
No, I'm definitely not tied to him.
OK.
Because I don't want to use, you know,
I don't want to use, you know, like, friends with benefits.
I mean, I don't feel he's at that level.
You know what I mean?
OK, so this is what you say to him.
Say, hey, I know we're hanging out,
but make no mistake about it.
I would never, ever want you.
The thought of being with you turns my stomach.
And let's see how much longer he hang around.
You won't have to worry about him feeling
like you're using him then.
Because you already told him, I would never, ever, ever,
ever, ever want you.
I told him we can't be together.
Yeah, we don't want the same things, right?
He's so much older.
He doesn't want kids.
It's like obvious.
It's like off the table.
I hear you say it's obvious.
But that man knows the reason why you're hanging out
with him every two weeks, too.
Men are like women.
Men say, you're taking up time with me.
You want something with me.
You gonna give me her time.
I'm a winner.
I'm gonna win her over.
It's something.
Like, come on, Joanne.
Now listen, all I need you to do
when you see him next time,
you make sure you tell him you'll never, ever,
ever, ever, ever want him.
And you just need him to know that
and say, come on, let's go downtown.
I mean, you know what's interesting though?
Another update is like,
I was feeling so bad about the Tim thing, right?
And remember I felt so, no, I want to,
wait, I'm jumping to another topic.
No, I'm just, so, you know, no,
but this is really cool because I've been praying,
like, I do not miss God, right?
Like, I don't miss, like,
what if I made a decision in faith
and I'm like, what's wrong?
And I made the decision with Tim not to move forward.
And I felt so bad about our conversation,
closure conversation.
Oh my gosh.
I was like, oh man.
I didn't fully, fully close the doors.
Like, there's no chance.
But he did reach out to me and like, say,
like, I feel like I'm very thankful
because I don't think there's any bad blood
and he's actually trying to be supportive
in my journey with my mom.
So, yeah, I don't know.
Maybe this is a really good,
I'm thinking this is a really good place for me
because now I'm not prioritizing dating.
And I feel like maybe I was too invested emotionally.
Do you think I was too emotionally invested
in all these guys?
Joanne, first of all,
you don't have to prioritize dating
because you're going out with a man every two weeks.
I don't know where you be coming from.
You have too much time to think and process stuff.
Furthermore, that guy's probably not best for you
to be friends with him because he really likes you.
Now, I'm just, you can do what you want.
I understand why you're allowing him to support you.
He was a really great guy,
but remember the decision you made
and why you made that decision.
And so you want to make sure that you keep things at a very,
if you're going to still be his friend, keep it,
make sure you stay on the up and up with it.
With anybody, right?
With Tim, with my friend, it's like older.
When you get out, I don't know what if you do,
like when I get up, I talk to you.
When I get at work, I talk to you.
When I like create these patterns with these people,
putting them in a space to be some type of support
to you in there, right?
And so it's not about you being too emotionally invested.
It's not about any of that.
This is about you making sure that you hold true
to this friendship thing that you say that you're doing
and that the people that you allow to be friends
are really people you will want to be a friend.
Because having someone as a friend for me
is a pretty high qualification.
You have to actually have something that I can grow from.
You got to be able to sharpen me
for me to keep you in my corner
and to say, I want you to be my friend.
Now, do you need more acquaintances?
Maybe you want more acquaintances.
Do you want to build some more community?
Maybe you want to build some more community.
But when you start to say that I want this person
to be my friend, friendship is a very intimate thing
and you have to be willing to invest in people
to have a friendship with them.
And so that's where the rubber meets the road
and there's a dividing line.
Because if you're not willing to invest
in friendship with them, then what are you investing in?
What are you doing?
So that's something that you can measure things by.
That way you know what you're doing.
So it's about do you understand your, what are you doing?
Because that's all that matters.
Like the motives in my heart kind of thing?
Not the motives of your heart,
that you're just aware of what you're doing.
I don't think you have some motive, some evil motive
or just make, yeah, just make sure you're aware.
Good night, Yesenia, so good to have you.
Just make sure you're in alignment
with what you have going on
so you won't be two weeks from now breaking down.
I don't know what to do.
He's talking to me and I like him
and I thought this, this, this, this.
You don't want to get in the uproar.
You got a lot of emotional things going on.
Keep it clear in your mind and heart what you got going on.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay.
And if it's clear, you don't have to worry
about all that tugging and pulling, none of that.
That's true, that's very true.
Okay.
All right.
All right, girl.
Okay, thank you.
Good, I'm glad to hear from you
and still praying for your mom as well.
Yeah, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Okay.
Yolanda, did she leave?
Yeah, I think so.
Aubrey. Hello. Hey girl, how you doing? I'm a little bit better. Yeah, I've been praying for you.
Yeah, it's been a really, really challenging journey and I am trying to, I
think one of the biggest kind of takeaways where I'm at right now is this
like idea of not overly investing into relationships so quickly and I think
with this previous relationship I just like jumped right back into this like
very high stakes, dating, making it work with someone rather than exploring and
seeing like does this work and anyways I just, I don't know, I think I'm trying to
rearrange because my, I get back into these mindsets of like intensity and
like need to make it work and then like kind of the whole is God doing this and
what is God and putting all this pressure but I guess my my thought
process is like how do we prioritize, how do I, when I get back into this place
with someone who's really seriously minded about dating and it's got to be
it's very spiritual kind of and very like intense from the beginning, how do
I not step into that place again because I think it's a normal place for me to go
back to of like okay we're doing this and you want it and so that means we're
doing it and I got to figure it out. Any suggestions? Yeah, so because you know
what you're bent toward it's easier for you to bend the other way and you'll be
able to quickly identify when they operating so you won't oops I fell into
it again because you know all the signs because you have operated in the past
that way so that's your superpower and because it is your superpower that
you're able to see these things very quickly you have a game plan to pace
yourself and you you be sure that you clear in your heart and mind that
someone is going to choose you and sometimes the idea that someone is
choosing me causes you to do what they want to do because they're choosing you
because deep within you you don't believe that you're choosable and that
someone is going to choose you and now that they've chosen you you got to get
on board and so therein lies a root issue your value and worth you may say
get out of your mouth that yeah I'm great somebody will want me but the
first person that says I choose you and tell you to do things their way you jump
on board that tells me that you're struggling with believing that somebody
else would choose you and if you struggle to believe that somebody else
would choose you means that you believe that you're not choosable and you're not
worthy to be chosen and so that's a thing that you have to keep in front of
you of course they're gonna choose me I'm Aubrey lots of people would like to
choose me but more so you choose yourself Aubrey and when we choose
ourself and this is this is this is a this is real right here when we choose
ourself we don't mind laying down the laws for our life because we chosen
ourselves I chose me and this is what serves me best because I chose me
whether you join the party or not I choose me hmm yes yes I've been playing
praying for Jamaica I will do that Felicia Aubrey so so okay so first thing
choose Aubrey keep it at the front of your mind you say it day and night when
you get into walking into these relates especially if it's somebody you like I
choose me you have to rehearse in your own head the things that you've not done
before you're getting your muscles strong in them and so you will keep
saying and you will keep talking to yourself you will talk to yourself over
and over and over and over and over that's just the way it works okay and
then when they want to move fast you say you know I'm enjoying getting to know
you but I like to take things at a different pace
For you, Aubrey, that means you're going to strategically plan how often you're going to
talk to them. No matter how good it feels, you're going to cause yourself to submit to
an order that you put in place. Is this a lot of work? Yeah. Is it worth it? Are you worth it,
Aubrey? If you deem that you're worth it, then you put in the work to cause yourself to come
under the order that's going to serve you best in the long run.
And so you put things in place. You put guard words in place. I'm not telling you this from
something. I'm telling you what I do for my own life even now. The same coaching I get to use,
the coaching I live by. I strategically slow down phone call conversations, especially if I like a
I do things very strategically. I have cut off times on the phone. I do it like I don't put up
walls, but I will guard my heart at all costs because it's my responsibility. The Bible says
that guard your heart with all diligence because out of your heart flows the issues of life.
And I've learned that guarding my heart and pacing myself produces a better outcome because it hurts
some kind of bad when you have to break up with the person. Yeah. And so you have to find a way
to get to know them and to show up with the least casualty of your own heart because it feels good
at the moment, but you don't realize how many mangled broken pieces you will have to carry
yourself back with that's going to have to be restored and made new. And all of that process,
that don't feel good. And it's challenging. And if you don't get properly restored each time,
a little bit of you just get chipped away. And so that's why when people think women,
oh, they're bitter. Oh, they're this. It's just every time a little more got chipped away,
a little more got chipped away and a little more got chipped away until they become this bitter
woman that they never wanted to be. And because they want to guard and protect themselves,
they don't know other way to be. And they feel like hurt keeps me safe.
Bitterness keeps me safe. Anger keeps me safe. So I, at all costs, I have to stay safe.
So I'm telling you on the front end, you say at all costs, I'm going to guard my heart well.
So that means you put things in place. So you set the pace for any relationship that you're in,
because you're the one in it. You don't have a partnership with them. You have a partnership
with God. They are not your partner. God is your partner. And so simple things like causing
yourself to submit to the order that keeps you paced is what you do. I don't care how much they
like you. I don't care how much you like them. Because you know you've done enough people to
know when you think it's the one, six months in, it could be.
Even if they come on strong. I mean, it's like, if they come on strong, it's like,
well, I guess this is what's happening. Like that's, I just go with it.
I go with it.
You go with it because, I mean, I could be wrong, but there's something about being chosen.
There's a pressure that you feel to go along with something. You've learned that behavior
somewhere probably in your childhood. I've never had a one-on-one with you,
but you learn that behavior somewhere. You learn the behavior to just go.
Go with the flow that someone else sets for your life and that doesn't serve you best.
Oh, Sarah says she does it in friendships too. I got another friend. She'll tell me like,
she's growing, but she'll be like, Ebony, you're bullying me. I was like, I am?
She gets to practice with me. I tell her to tell me when I do something, because if she
practiced with me with a safe person, then she'll be able to stand up to somebody else.
It's just that, okay, you don't want to rock the boat. I'll just do it.
People pleasing, all of these things.
Yeah. I think it was with my mom. I stand up to my mom now and I say no now.
In other relationships, I think really where I feel safe, I can, but if I don't yet feel safe,
it's really hard for me to set my own limits. It's really, really hard for me.
Yeah. One of the ways to do that is to feel safe with you.
This idea that you hand over your rights to somebody else, you hand over everything to
deal with it, to deal with you, to tell you which way you're going.
What you want to do is feel safe enough with Aubrey, that when Aubrey makes a decision,
vision that's best for her.
She feels safe with the decision she made.
And you can start practicing that today, tomorrow.
You don't have to wait to be in a romantic relationship
to do that.
You can practice it in little things.
Just start saying no for no reason.
Like, that's where I started.
I feel so guilty when I say no.
I know.
That's why you need to go against and say, no.
Hey, Aubrey, you want to ride up to the store with me?
No.
Why not?
I don't know.
I just need to say no today.
I needed three no's today.
And you got one of them.
I love you, though.
Pick somebody.
Say, can I practice with you?
My sister practiced with me.
That's how she got her voice.
I would say, let's go some.
She'd say, no.
I'd say, why not?
She'd say, because I'm practicing.
I'd say, OK, I respect you.
Like, I just had to bite it so she could grow.
She had to come out of that bundage.
And so did it cost me?
Yeah, but she was safe with me to say no
until she got strong enough to say no to other people.
Find you some safe people to practice no with.
Arbor, say no every chance you get.
I am telling the more you work that muscle,
the better you become at it.
You just got to keep working it and working it and working it.
No.
Why not?
I don't really have an answer, and I
don't want to give one right now.
I haven't figured that part out yet.
Find people you can be vulnerable with
and just say what you're thinking,
and just to practice it.
It's going to help you a lot.
And don't rush back into dating.
You know, let your heart have some time to breathe.
There's no hurry.
Trust me, the set time for you to have a spouse
is waiting for you.
The worst thing you can do, one of the things that
will cost you the most, is to enter yourself
into a time of delay, because you won't allow the Lord
to come in and to heal your heart.
You want to be whole and complete, lacking nothing.
And I say that God uses relationships also
to bring healing to us.
But you know you're tore up and you're hurting.
You don't want to put yourself out there like that.
Take your time.
There is no hurry.
This was already a part of the story,
and it's working something really good in you,
because this time you're going to come out,
and you're going to gain, you're going to get strength to say no.
When somebody takes you too fast,
you're going to learn how to pace relationships.
And believe it or not, this was all
working to get you to this place.
Because it's not going to all of a sudden,
when you get in marriage, you ain't going to need it no more.
Yeah.
I also set a limit now for myself, for my own sake.
I'm like, if you can't be here for dinner on Friday night
after work, if you can't make, then you're too far away.
I've set this limit for myself, because I've
done so many long distance.
Because I'm like, OK.
And I've done so much long distance,
but it's not good for me.
It's not good for me to do the long distance thing.
So I'm setting some limits.
Yeah, that's a good limit to set.
Long distance will cause you to cling more tightly
than you need to.
It'll cause you to put a lot of eggs in the basket,
because it is long distance, and you invest a lot
to make that work.
And you just don't have a lot of energy for anything else.
The closest thing you have between you and that person
is the phone.
So you're going to talk more.
You're going to video chat more.
And in doing so, you think you really
know them when you really don't know them,
because you really know people when you experience them.
And so you've got this whole little thing.
And so most of the time, you're spending just
trying to get to know them more.
Just trying to get to know them more.
Just trying to spend more time with them.
And in the process of doing that,
you're not dating anybody else.
You're not talking to anybody else.
And so that's the thing about long distance.
And plus, you're young, Ivory.
Yeah, I agree.
If they can't make it down the street for them, then that's it.
That's a good one.
Keep us updated, OK?
OK, I've been thinking about going to phase three,
but I just like you so much, so I don't really want to.
But I've been in here for ages.
It's been so long.
I've been in phase two for months and months and months.
But I don't really want to leave you, Ebony.
I don't want you to leave either, Ivory.
When you came out, I was like, Ivory's here.
But I understand you.
I know, Kim, I sure don't want you to leave.
I don't want any of y'all to leave.
But you're going to enjoy phase three also.
And I'm just right across the way.
I'm not far.
Yeah, you too, I don't want you to leave.
But let us know when you go, though.
Because you know, once you put the email in, that's it.
You got to stay on it.
Yeah.
I might watch through the videos again first before I get.
Yeah, I always have access to the videos.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
All right, sounds good.
I just started and I'm not going to want to leave.
Let's see.
Now, I know y'all don't like to hear this, but it's 8.51 between D, Nikki, and Sandy.
We got eight minutes.
Go.
Okay.
All right.
Hello.
Hello, everyone.
All right.
I've just got back from Colorado.
I've just got back from flying, so I'm a little disorientated, but I just wanted to give you
an update and get some advice as well, if possible.
Well, firstly, I've been feeling like, oh, I can't be bothered with these mails, right?
Just because I'm just, I've got stuff happening at work and I just would rather, if I had
a choice, which I do, is to just stop for a minute, dating.
However, you know, it's like, it's an important part of my life, you know, and I'm going to
get married very soon.
Oh, I am.
I am married.
You know what I mean?
And I, you have to put in the work to get the fruit, right?
So yeah.
Anyway, so that's the kind of underlying thing, since I was unwell, that's kind of been underlying.
There might just be dregs of that.
Okay.
So the mails.
Oh my gosh.
So there's a few, there's Mr. Elite High Achiever, he's a new one.
And then there's Mr. Scarlet Pimpernel, who's another.
Then there's Mr. One-Liner.
And then Mr. Man, man, man.
Okay.
Mr. Far Too Smooth, while we were on this call, I just told him goodbye because I'm done.
He's too, I can tell he like wants to really be a writer, poet and all of this because
he was just giving me some long soliloquy of nonsense.
Like we haven't even started yet and already he's giving me hassles because I said I wanted
to get to know him, you know, as a friend.
So I kind of just said goodbye.
So that's that.
And I feel better.
And Mr. Old School, I unmatched with him because he was the one that was with the stilted conversation.
Just the last time I left, it was let's communicate by, you know, set up a video call and he was
just going on and on about a phone call and let's meet now.
And then I was like my time zone and he was just like, oh, I see, you know, I'm pretty
free because I'm retired.
And so I said, okay, well, how about a Zoom call at this time, whenever?
And I didn't even, I know he saw the message, but he didn't respond.
So I thought when I finally got back online and saw it, I just unmatched, I haven't got time.
I didn't get a good vibe with him anyway.
Okay, so Mr. Elite High Achiever, it's a contender.
He's visiting the island, he's on holiday, looks like he just wants to meet, you know,
pretty ladies or something, which is fine because he's actually my type of person.
Like he's a high achiever and he's in this membership that I know.
And, you know, just be nice to meet someone that's on that gets it kind of vibe.
But otherwise he's handsome, all of the things, but I'm not looking for anything.
So my thing is, what do I say to him?
Because he left it, I told everyone that I was going away, well not everyone,
told a few of them I'm going away for a few days off island.
And he was like, message me when you're back.
So I've got something like, hello, Mark, I'm back on the island.
How's your vacation going? Do you think that's good?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I won't go over the others because they're just very strange.
Mr. Scarlet Pimpernel, first it was, you don't look your age.
This was in September 28th. And I even messaged back, good afternoon.
I get that a lot because I didn't really know how to respond to that.
Then I got a thumbs up, which to me is the biggest offense,
but I've been coached through that from another coach.
So it's okay. Anyway, never mind.
And this is September 29th, Sunday, Sunday, just gone after September 29th,
which is fine. I would have to say seeing how you look,
how intelligent and artistic you seem to be,
I would be more interested in just friends, but you get that a lot as well.
I'm sure. I'm kind of like, I don't know what to say.
I'm just kind of like, so maybe if you're okay with it,
I'll plant it in the conversation in the app.
And I would just love to hear your feedback on that.
But what I really want your real life coaching on is Mr. Man, man, man.
Okay. So overall, he is back in California.
As you know that we're just, whatever.
He, I've not, one of the biggest things for me is that he has been,
he initiates conversations, but always via text and it bothers me.
And I've done the whole, yeah, sure. Give me a call.
And we'll, you know, whatever.
But I'm kind of just a little bit,
and then recently he messaged me when I wasn't available, I was away.
I saw his message and responded when I was coming back home,
traveling back on, was it Sunday or Monday? I've lost travel time.
But so we've had this text relay and then my flight got delayed.
So I shouldn't have, but I was bored and we were in the same time zone.
So I just messaged him, you know, it was late at night.
I wouldn't normally do that, but I thought, you know what?
And we were supposed to have a conversation,
but I didn't book a hotel in the end.
And so, you know, just a quick phone call to catch up.
But he, I just, I don't know. I'm just not sure like what to, how to be.
And I think it's because I might like him like more.
Don't smile because I know you know what you think.
you know and what you're being no right but anyway i don't know how when i when i like someone
i i'm trying not to get too familiar with him you know we're still early we're still at whatever it
is and i'm just trying not to go there because i'm not getting attached you know all the things
right i want to date other people i don't know how i feel about him really i have a suspicion i
might like him just because he's got all the technically checking checks the boxes um and
i'm just getting both it bothers me when i like someone and i'm trying to protect myself i start
to get a bit dismissive and i feel like that's how i'm being which brings me back to me trying
to you know yeah but d this guy won't get on the phone with you i mean it's okay so
straight up he won't he won't when we're texting he he'll start with texting and so it's not that
we didn't try to call the other day or whatever but it's just it's not the default and i don't
it's more that i have to communicate that or just leave it because his default is text but
when he's up for conversations he is but it's just that i'm not happy with
i don't know if it's me not speaking up enough you know just to say hey i prefer phone calls
if that makes sense actually saying it instead of um yeah let's let's let's jump on the call
you know i mean like when it's there's been a few texts or whatever and he's always been
happy with calling and it's still that whole thinking i'm thinking that i'm too busy and in
my own time i'll reach out to him and so somehow it feels to me that i'm even though he is all
the way a man and masculine it feels to me like i'm being a little alpha in this and i don't like
it like i want i want the man to be the man and only because it's like he's leaving it to me to
call like in my time because i'm busy and you know like um he's open to calls and he's he's totally
up for it and when we talk about the calls he calls or whatever but i don't want to be
i don't want him i want him to just call me because he wants to call me does that make
sense and if he doesn't that's fine okay so what's gonna happen d is you're gonna have to
take out of your vocabulary that i'm so busy it's not i'm not taking it i'm not taking it he he's
from what he knows about me so i'm i don't use it but you're gonna have to reshape reshape what
he knows about you you need to be available so this means that well i will call but she did
it's you you so busy d so busy d so busy d so busy d makes time for what d wants to make time
for and there's anybody and so it's probably best at this point that you have a clarifying
conversation with him you can say hey let's jump on a call i want to talk to you about something
when he gets on the phone say i'm interested in getting to know you better and at this point i
would like to see us have more live conversations and face time so that we can get to know each
other okay it's like point blank simple that's it now you have shifted things yeah and well i know
you'd be so busy so when are you available look uh say give him the times that you're you're
available that may be hard for you because i don't know what type of business you do but
you know or you may say i will make this time if you can you know there's a down sometimes you can
make available like how about this is our time that we talk you know that you can make space
for him so that you can get to know him so you can really see if you like him or not right right
yeah so yeah okay thank you um i'm feeling i've been a little cringy because yesterday i did the
thing i shouldn't have done we didn't have the call we should have had so i got a text in the
morning like call me when you're up um and time zones and all of that and i ended up calling when
i was on a plane it was the only time i saw it and it was just before takeoff i thought why not
knowing that he was at work the worst thing for me in my life and to do is to call a man when he's
at work do you know what i mean but i just well i say that i didn't know he was at work but maybe
he would have been getting ready so i just called him i thought you know what i just want to call
and um he picked up but he was in the middle of something he wasn't quite at work but he was
getting started and it was awkward because he was in that you know work and it annoyed me because i
did a thing that i shouldn't have done so now i'm feeling a little like i don't want to talk to him
again like oh he has to call me next and all of these things that i know are very immature but
just from fruit i guess past experience of you know let the man call you when he's when he's
able to call you i mean he asked for the call so i didn't mind it but i also feel a bit rejected
even though it wasn't me it was just he was busy i know that was the feeling yeah that's the feeling
we have when we call somebody and they don't answer you feel rejected and so you're gonna
have to dump he picked up by the way but he was being a distraction but you felt it still there's
this thing that there's this thing there because you're believing something that's not true
because if you were dating him and y'all really liked each other he said call
time you're going to be happy just to hear whenever he picks up. And so let's dump some
of the laws that you have working in you, that let the man call if he wants to talk to you,
let the man this, let the just you getting to know a person, take all the other things out the table
because it's not serving you best, it's actually hindering you and making you feel some type of
your decision making. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. Okay. It'll work out.
Okay. All right. Nikki, did you change your mind?
Um, yeah, it's so late. And it's like more involved. It does involve a guy. So I would
want to take some time. I know Nikki, please come back Tuesday. Tell me all about it.
Yeah, I will. I really do want your advice. It. It was not something I was looking for. And I'm
not on the dating apps. In fact, I was thinking I will get on the dating apps in January, honestly,
like let me get through the holidays. And I'm just enjoying like listening to your
advice and like what the Holy Spirit has given you to share. And so I'm, I'm fine. Like I wasn't,
I'm not in a rush. Like, I don't feel that way right now. But I did meet a guy, but it's
complicated. And it I met him organically, like, yeah, at work. But it's complicated. And it's,
it's creating some anxiety in me. And I, it's, it's unresolved. It's an ongoing thing. In fact,
I only see him once a week. And I see him on Wednesdays. So it's like, I don't know what
tomorrow's gonna bring like every day. It's almost like I'm watching a TV show. And like,
I don't I have to wait a week for the next episode. Like, it's just really annoying. And
it's, there's some disappointment that I'm trying to deal with, too. And so what you shared with,
with Sarah really, like, like I said, resonated with me, because I'm trying to
process my disappointment about certain things that involve this person. And
yeah, so I don't know, it's like, I like, I kind of feel, I know, this is not correct. It's not
the character of God. But sometimes I wonder if God is disappointed in my disappointment.
So I kind of want to process that at some point, maybe next week, and then it might be even
different. Because I'll have another day. Yeah. Um, if God is disappointed,
and you're disappointed, like disappointed, because you're disappointed, or shares your
disappointment with you. More like, he's disappointed in my disappointment. Like,
I haven't learned to tolerate disappointment yet. I kind of want to share, but I just know it's so
and okay, the context will make sense. I think, but what would you be opposed to doing a video
and posting it on the coaches thing? Um, I'm not opposed to it, but it's not ideal. So
I can wait next week. I want the live feedback. Okay. And then this is, of course, you know,
it's a cost, but I'm not pressuring you do you can always book a one on one if you wanted to,
do a thorough work through things, but there's no pressure. I'm just telling you this option,
because I don't know what are you want to work through? And if not, this always there, you can
book with me or Carla and or anybody on there you want, ideally, but you've been around us the most.
Um, or Tuesday, and please raise your hand first, then we'll get started. That way we can do it.
And just okay, notes of everything so that you can sometimes we'll forget what we were
feeling. But you're probably won't be far removed from the feeling. It's just another feeling
trumps it. Yeah, yeah. Another development in a story. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, all right. I wish
I could. I was like, I don't have anything to share. But then, and this whole thing started
at the end of September. And I still was like, Well, you don't have anything to share yet,
because it's really nothing. But then it became something. But then it wasn't. But then it was
nothing again. And then it became something, which is why the disappointment, it's like
I've been a roller coaster of anxiety and disappointment.
Appointment and up and then hope and optimism and so I'm like trying to figure out what the lesson is in all of this because
I wasn't looking for this like it just fell into my lap almost
and
Now I'm like, okay god, what are you trying to teach me because it's probably not gonna work out with this guy and
I'm just like, okay, like I
Just want the disappoint. I want to be able to like
Tolerate this disappointment and learn this lesson because I don't want to I feel like I'm just gonna keep being
Disappointed if I don't learn how to tolerate it
Well, I don't know the full extent and I know that we don't have time to share but I'm gonna say this
To help you a lot of times it says. Oh god, what is this for? But everything you're feeling that's what it's for
Everything
that when you get to date or you get to know a person that get start getting close like that and you start having all
Those feelings that you like them and this could be this and this could be that and I'll kind of just crumbles right in
Front of you. God wants you to partner with him when it starts crumbling
Yeah to work through what you're feeling because that is a part of the growth process
So it's it's oh, it's like it's okay
That's why it's all of it is so good for you because you're discovering something about you that's what we call discovery dating
Like right. Yeah. Yeah
Huh, I really appreciate what you said and I agree and I have been partnering with him
I've been going to God with all my emotions all my feelings
So I just want to add one thing
To what you were saying and see what you think about it. Um
Okay, because it's like every week is something different and with the context it'll make sense but
Like I'll
Tolerate the disappointment. I brought I've brought it to God. I've prayed through it
I accept whatever the outcome is and then something different will happen the next week
and
then I'll get my hopes up and then I feel bad that I got my hopes up because it's like it's like God is saying I
Thought you accepted this like your disappointment you you got through it
I and I know he's not saying that but it's like it's just this weird
Just this weird perception I guess but I I feel bad every time I hope
About this situation. Oh, I know
Yeah, it's hope deferred makes the heart sick. Yeah, like I feel like I haven't learned my lesson yet
Like stop getting your hopes up with this situation
Well, whatever this situation is. I'm not sure if it's serving you. Well, I know we keep extending time and still not talking about
Okay, you may have to let this fella go but we'll
Think he got too many problems already
I'm a little concerned myself, but
Let's talk about it Nikki. I don't want you to do it by yourself in
Let's let's let's chat about it
Thank you, okay
He's not a bad guy
Not at all. In fact, that's I wish I could tell you but anyways, he's not a bad guy
I promise it's not him. Oh
Yeah, and that's what makes it so difficult. He's actually like really wonderful in a lot of ways
But from what I know about him so far. Yeah. Yeah, okay
Okay, and there's well outside
Outside things that make me wonder is God doing something like outside things that I I'm not asking for I'm not looking for anything
In fact, I haven't encouraged this at all. So that's why I'm like, oh lord
I don't know what you're doing. But then I'm I keep thinking I need to accept the disappointment and move on
internally move on
But anyway, I'll share more next week. Thanks for okay. We'll process through it. Okay. All right
Sandy I
Thanks for I know it's super late. Thanks for taking my I guess my hand. I really don't have a question
I just wanted to kind of introduce myself. This is my first time being back
And so I started the phase one like in January last year
and I did the phase one and I was in a I was in a very toxic relationship to the point that I actually
moved out of state and
Have been doing a lot of work a lot of my own work with attachment and and stuff like that
and getting to a place where I'm I
I'm not fully through all of it yet
But it's like just like I'm always gonna love this guy and it's just gonna be that way
but I can't have him get in the way of my what's going on in my future, so
Um, I just jumped back into, you know, this program and it's, it has, um, morphed the,
the format of it has morphed from when I was in it, um, last year, uh, like a year and
a half ago.
And so, um, Ebony, you're new.
I love what you have to say.
Um, I could really resonate with what you were talking to, um, Audrey Aubrey about,
um, I just, um, got on not too long ago, got on two dating apps.
I'm not super happy with either one of them because they keep like putting people up there.
They're like 250 plus more miles from me.
And I'm like, you can't tell me that there aren't people closer than that.
Um, so I'm super disappointed with it so far.
I know it's early in the game for me.
Um, but anyway, I just wanted to say hi and kind of get a better feel.
I guess you're on here every Tuesday evening then?
And Carla is on Tuesday afternoon.
Okay.
I'm so happy to join you and I plan on being back next Tuesday.
Yeah.
We're so happy to have you back, Sandy.
It's going to be a joyful ride.
I'm sure of it.
All right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Ladies.
It was a blast.
I was so happy to hear from Nigga and from all of y'all, please post, say something on
the community wall.
I'm always waiting and excited to hear what you have going on.
So good to see you tonight, Leah and Nadine in Orlando, Florida, cause Carol Jean, I think
that's how you say your name.
Ashley, keep us updated.
All right, ladies, you guys have a great night, sleep well, and know that your husband is
coming soon.
Um, Ebony.
Thanks so much, Ebony.
You're welcome.
I didn't know if you wanted to still pray for Jamaica.
Uh, I do, but it's late.
Okay.
Yeah.
So we're going to have to pray separately.
I thought about it, but it's so late.
Okay.
Thank you though, Nikki.
Thank you.
Bye.
Okay.
Bye, ladies.
Thank you.