WEBVTT

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Well, I have a fun little topic for tonight, but I want y'all to catch up with me and tell

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me where you're at in your life.

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David, I want to know, are you still talking to that girl?

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No, it didn't pan out.

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I had a feeling since you were a little like outgoing on the last single spotlight.

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Yeah, I didn't.

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You know what?

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She's a lovely human being, but yeah, it just didn't work out, but yeah, I'm talking to

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new people though.

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All right.

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Well, I don't know if you guys noticed it last time, so I tried to get the skinny on

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the single spotlight and people matching, and I just got the impression there's not

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a easy, clear system in place right now.

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So the plan at some point is that when we do a more formal single spotlight, there would

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be a way for you to find the matches like, and then you guys have access to the profiles

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on the spirit mate match software.

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And then you decide.

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Cause I was like, I said, just from me talking to the guys, they would rather get all the

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look them up and decide for themselves rather than you waste time deciding if you think

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they're right fit or not.

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Like I think they would rather just go through them.

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So I don't know how soon that's going to happen, but in the meantime, since we're not doing

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like very long single spotlights, I'm kind of doing this free form.

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I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've given you guys permission to just reach

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out to each other.

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We're just pretty much what I've said, like, if you're willing to share, put your, however

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you want it, people to find you there on Facebook, put your handle on your thing and don't be

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upset if people reach out to you, like you're not sharing for nothing.

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You're sharing for people to reach out to you.

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So I feel like for now, if that's, since that's how we're doing it, how has it felt to do

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that kind of like group share where I'm like asking fun questions, getting you guys to

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share?

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Like, I feel like it's been really interactive and helpful to find out new and interesting

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things about people that you wouldn't normally find out about.

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Yeah, it was, it was a blast.

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Like I had a, I had a great time and it's, and it's fun to watch too.

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Well, and that's, this is like the second time I did it.

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And I feel like when she doesn't have specific people, she wants me to spotlight.

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I feel like it's a good way to get, and honestly, if you guys have noticed, if there's men there,

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I'm going to call you on you almost every time.

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And then I tried to change up who the women are.

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So it's always new ladies getting spotlighted and I'm very picky.

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Like I'm not going to spotlight you if I can't see you and you don't look like you put yourself

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together.

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I can't just kind of the thing.

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All right, David, David was the first one on.

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So David from PA, are you there in the background?

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Yeah, I'm driving.

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So and it's dark here and it's, you know, 35 degrees.

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Oh golly jeeper.

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I mean, I'm in Nashville, Tennessee and we had flurries this morning.

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I'm not kidding.

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Flurries.

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And it's supposed to have flurries.

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Well, David, you're way up north, David, right?

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Is it like snowing up in good old Canada?

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Snow storms, hail storms.

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Like my car had two inches of ice on it and I was trying to like use my broom for my house

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and my neighbor was like, use an ice scraper.

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So she like came out of her house, gave me her ice scraper.

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But yeah, it took me about 45 minutes to get my car unstuck from all the ice.

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Oh no, that's just an oh no.

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Oh no, no, no.

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Well, and then Bob, thank you for joining us tonight.

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Bob, remind me where you, where do you live?

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I'm in New Jersey.

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This is my only third time on.

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So I don't know.

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Where in Jersey are you?

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How well do you know Jersey?

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I grew up in Connecticut and I went to Lehigh for college.

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So I know Jersey pretty well.

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Okay.

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So I'm in, I was outside Morristown.

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Oh yeah.

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In Randolph, which borders Morristown.

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Yep.

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Yep.

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It's lovely there.

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It's lovely.

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Nothing like the Jersey Turnpike, I'm going to say.

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Um, although you have some you have the Jersey shore is also quite lovely. All right. Um,

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so tell so so

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David right you are chatting with people. Are you chatting with people in the community?

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online all of the above

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Yeah, so, uh recently single and um

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Yeah, I just I just decided I said, you know what like i'm just gonna go back out there and still meet people and

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No time for morning. Just like yeah get back on the horse. And you know what life's too short. So I went back on the apps

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Um, but I most of the people i've been chatting with are within the community

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Um, so one of the girls who was spotlighted I just added her on facebook and she was like, oh, thank goodness

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I was hoping you'd add me on facebook. So we've been chatting

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Uh, I can't remember her name or is it?

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I think you're

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I'll put it in the chat in a second. But then and then I also had another zoom date this week with another woman in

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the community

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um

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She's out of my age range, but I think

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um

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Yeah, she's nice to talk to you. You're mid 30s, right?

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Early 30s. I'm 33

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Yeah

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and uh

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And yeah, and even some connections that I I thought would never come back

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so there was one person phoebe who like

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For a long time for like two months we were like

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She's like quiet disorganized. So she was like, oh, I like you. No, I don't like you. I like you

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No, I don't like you and so I just was like no more playing games

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And so I didn't talk to her months and I saw her on a dating profile and and I liked it

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And then she wrote me a text saying hey, why did you why did you like my dating profile?

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um, so I just I wrote to her and I said, you know what like

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Like your interest for the lord and there's a lot of like shared mutual interest there

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And you know i'm looking forward to reconnect and she said yeah, it's great that you're connecting and last year single and uh,

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You know fourth quarter here we come

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I'll i'll connect with you in the chats is what she said and when I when I come on the thing

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So I was like, well, all right then

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Okay, I like it. Okay. Uh

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So bob tell me where are you at in your dating?

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life right now

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um

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Where am I at? I'm exploring right now. I'm not dating anybody. Um

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Meet up with with all night. So I haven't been on like I said, it's my third meeting on here

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So I have not been I guess i'm going to go

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I guess i'm still going through the whole heart checking. So you're still going through the heart book the heart work book then

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Yeah, are you guys let me ask you a dumb question. Somebody asked actually I was doing a private session with a client

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Do the guys read the same original book

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As the ladies or do you guys have a different book that you're using?

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I think it's an edited version

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I think it's the same book

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I don't I don't know about a book. I just went through the heart work videos and then the past sessions videos

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Yeah, the videos I think those are the same videos that we're seeing the ladies are seeing too

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There's just a woman and she's having her she wants her her level three boyfriend to do the heart work

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And she just wanted to make sure there wasn't a male version of the heart work book, and I didn't think there was

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Yeah, I so I was comparing it with evelyn. And so like some stuff is is a little different

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Um, so like some of the stuff that I read she didn't read

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Do you have an e-book that you're using? Yeah, it's like an e-version like a downloadable e-book

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That's the one I have do you mind can you email it to me by any chance sure i'm gonna put my um

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I think it's the same only because once I thought there were some gender changes that would be needed to make it male

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Yeah, I have the well I don't I have the way back when I did it

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We were given the e-book version and that's the one I have saved

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and I got the imprint and

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My my husband

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I think he bought the kindle version of it and listened to it and i'm pretty he thought it was fine though

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Like he didn't think oh my gosh, I can't read this because it sounds like it's only to girls

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But um, this is my downloaded off of the uh last year single site

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Yeah, that's I think that's the same book

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Now I got I got mine through the app, I mean it seemed like probably the same thing in the app

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Okay. All right. You know what? So it's in the app. All right, i'm gonna have to go look then

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All right. I'm gonna have to go look. Okay

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Fabulous. Okay. So I know what's going on with david, right?

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Bob, you're pretty new. So have you bob have you started going to any of the

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Phase three co-ed stuff yet or no then yet?

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The only thing

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I've done is this three times I was on one of the faith Fridays sessions Thursday night ones. And I was on last Saturday's morning one

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Okay. Okay, so you haven't started doing the phase three where you get to see all the ladies like

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No, okay. Well, that's going to be super fun for you. Um, so the options for you guys

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Sunday night prayer is obviously co-ed fridays co-ed saturdays co-ed

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And then once a week on either a tuesday or thursday night

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um

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Actually, I think this thursday is love seats ask jackie where you guys can ask jackie any dating questions you want and it's co-ed

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And then next week I think it's a heartwork teaching sometimes it's a something fun

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Kind of thing and then once a month I host single spotlight where I try to spotlight as many of the men and the ladies

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as possible

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and

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David wright can tell you it's a lot of fun

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um

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Lately, she hasn't had like because she is like kind of spotlighted all of you at this point

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you know, I think we're kind of just doing this like

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Scramble, so basically the first 30 minutes. I ask really fun questions like go

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Go pick your favorite spice in the cupboard come back and tell us about it

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And so it has fostered some really interesting like my favorite question was grab the oldest thing in your closet

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I was surprised how many people still had their prom dresses. I was like, okay

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And so and then I ask more serious questions. So it's been a really cool way for folks to meet each other

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So you're kind of early. So bob tell me are you divorced never married? Do you have kids?

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Uh divorced, I was married 20 years. Uh, I've been divorced now about

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12 13 years three kids

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Okay

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A lot of the house and one grandchild

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Awesome. Do you mind tell me how old you are?

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um 70

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Ooh

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What's your ideal woman

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Right

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Um, I just know some we know I know some of the women in the community that live up your way

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Uh, well, I do know couple I mean the ones who introduced me this was angie lee who i'm friends with okay and

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carol who I know now and um

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Carol

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Carol, yeah, she's on staten island

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Okay

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And then i've met uh, julie

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And a candy

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only through some of the things that angie's been

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Organizing. Yeah. Well, that's good because andy's getting a lot of fun activities. So that's awesome. All right

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Okay, I won't keep bugging you. Okay david from pa

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um

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Remind me we're in pennsylvania. Are you remind me?

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I'm north of philly, but south of allentown bethlehem. I'm closer to allentown bethlehem

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Oh, yeah, because we had this conversation right because I went to lehi

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hi

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Yeah, that's right. Okay

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Yeah, you're supposed to you're supposed to see me like a philly cheesesteak or something. I'm just saying i'm kidding

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Okay, so david from pennsylvania are you in the datings like where are you in your dating story right now

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Um, I think i'm all over the place to be honest with you, yeah

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Okay

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I know I've spotlighted you i've called on you. I wasn't have you been talking to any of the ladies in the community?

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No, there's four people i'd really like to know about but it's like I can't find two of them online

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Another one has been in the community a long time and maybe she was on camera maybe for a few seconds

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maybe

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David tell me who they are. I'm gonna do some homework for you. Who are they?

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You you got you got a you got to blip that out. You can't just record that

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Hold on. Okay. Hold on. Hold on

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Okay, so i'm just here to I do have a video clip I want to show you guys and get your thoughts on

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But I wanted to see where you were in the dating process. Okay, andrew. I know well i'm looking at your ceiling now fabulous

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Andrew tell me a little bit about you because I I recognize you but i'm blanking on how old you are and where do you live?

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Yeah

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Yeah, so i'm um

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I'm, uh, 34 years old. I'm in detroit area. Um, yep, and um

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I'm still dating the same. Uh filipina right now. Oh my gosh. How's that? That's right

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How is that going? When when is the last time you guys got to see each other?

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Well, the last time I got to see her was in july

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um

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And i'm waiting for um, december 28th to visit her a second time

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Okay

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You're very patient man. I love it

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Yeah, I kind of have to be patient especially because of the situation where the typhoon tell me about the typhoon

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Are you worried? Oh, oh the typhoon passed her and she's safe. So I'm

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It it actually was just north of her like she was in an area where it's like close to it

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But not like actually perfect in line with it. So yeah

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Mm-hmm

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Perfect. Okay, Mike, where are you at in the dating situation? Tell me

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so

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Yeah, well

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Everybody I find is complicated

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You know like seriously I can't I'm like Lord, could you bring somebody that's not like it, okay

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Wait, remind me how old you are because I have somebody that's amazing for you

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I just turned 50, but I haven't I'm not allowed to date long distance

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Because who is Southern California considered long-distance Lord, is it?

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California considered long-distance. I don't know Lord. Is that I

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Guess I could get the audio. It is really

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I'm gonna come back on real quick. Yeah, okay. I

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Forget the Lord has told him that all right. I want to try to share something. Hold on. I

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Gotta see if I remember how to do this. I

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Want to get your opinion? Oh my gosh share

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I mean you guys haven't shared a file on zoom in so long like my brain cells are gone

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Okay

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I'm gonna go to

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Did it uh here let me go to my desktop and

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Then I gotta find this

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Video

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Gonna move you guys to do them. No, I gotta move you away. Oh, I don't know. I can't get to that thing. Okay

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We're coaching, all right

252
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Right. Everyone says marriage should be 5050. Can you guys see this screen?

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Yeah, all right. I want to talk to you guys about relationships because I think this is like a really common topic

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Where it talks about like how?

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You know marriage is about giving 5050 like if I give 50 and you give 50

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So this is Brené Brown who like next to Jackie, of course might be my hero

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And I just I would love to like just kind of banter around what you guys think

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About what she says about marriage

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It's the biggest crock of bullshit I've ever heard it's never 5050

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Yeah ever and so what we do is we quantify where we are

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So if Steve comes home and he'll be like I got 20 just in terms of energy just energy

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Investment kindness patience, I'm at a 20 and I'll be like I'll cover you. I got your brother like I'll pull the 80

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sometimes we come home, which we have done a lot my mom has been sick and

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I'll say I've got 10 and Steve would like two days ago said I'm riding a solid 25

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so we know that we have to sit down at the table anytime we have less than a hundred combined and

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Figure out a plan of kindness toward each other. I love that

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Yeah, because the thing is marriage is not something that's 50-50 a

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partnership works when you can carry their 20 or they can carry your 20 and

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That when you both just have 20 you have a plan where you don't hurt each other. Everyone says marriage should be 50-50

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It's the biggest crock of bullshit. I've ever heard. It's never 5050

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and so what

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so, I mean I

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It's really a hundred hundred but

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Because you're but yeah, but I think I think she's trying to make the point that as humans

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We physically can't show up with a hundred percent of ourselves every single no

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And I think that's very and and so what I call guys to is to actually pull

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pull up pull pull at least an 80 and and and Renee

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Do we want to get spicy or do we not get want to get spicy because like there's spicy as far as

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I

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Really like what she's saying, but I have seen it rare that that happens because generally when I have seen a man

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Not be okay

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Then that Fritz is the woman because her need for security and safety is usually dependent on him being

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Strong and and I know that it's well

284
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It's funny because I the reason why I wanted to show that video especially because of what you had just said earlier

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I'm meeting women

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Who've got a lot of stuff and I would argue women or say the same thing

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They're meeting men who have a lot of stuff like and I think the problem is we're all getting to an age

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Where we're coming into the story with a lot of stuff

289
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Yeah, that's fair.

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So in theory, I love the idea of the man, and I love what you're trying to say, like

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you're trying to encourage men to be the leader.

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And I don't know though, is it sometimes being a good leader saying, like when I ran my nonprofit,

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sometimes being a good leader is saying, you know what you guys, I need help today.

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I don't have it all today.

295
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Now, and that can be true.

296
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Okay, so I was married for 20 years, right?

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And healthy women, yes, like, you know, like, I mean, and hopefully, but like, so here's

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like, okay, I guess we're getting into this.

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Yeah, let's do it.

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I wanted to have a good conversation.

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So here we are.

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Okay, so at a woman's core need is security and safety.

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I mean, like that.

305
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So there's the whole gold digger thing, but that really is just them getting their needs

306
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met through, you know, like, my, like, they are after some protection anyways.

307
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So, so a lot of times now, and this is what I encourage men to, and I've learned how,

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as a dude, when you're not okay, I have, it's rare for me to see a woman who can actually

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handle that.

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And that and Renee, and you, I probably like, you know, my guess is that you're probably

311
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actually pretty okay with that because you have, you're, you're, you're very strong,

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right?

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But I can tell you, I've counseled guys time and time again, who are like, I can't, every

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time I actually share that I'm not okay, she freaks out.

315
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And then it's easy.

316
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Let me ask you a question, because how early that is shared in the relationship matters.

317
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Like I met a guy once a couple, I don't know, two or three years ago.

318
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I really liked him.

319
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He could have been a good option, but he shared his brokenness so fast.

320
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And we did not have enough deposits of healthy for me to pick that up.

321
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So this is really on a marriage.

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In relationship.

323
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I was talking as Brene Brown is like in this, like, let's go back to the video, right?

324
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Okay.

325
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So you're talking about in marriage, you've seen this happen where men say women can't

326
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handle it.

327
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Or, or we just, it's so it's like, okay, if I'm dealing with X, Y, Z, and whatever, A,

328
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right.

329
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And I can share maybe X and Y, but like Z, you know, it's easier for me to mitigate.

330
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Like, I don't want to have to pick up pieces as well as deal with everything that I'm already

331
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in.

332
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Right.

333
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Yeah.

334
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Go ahead and jump in, David.

335
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Yeah.

336
00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:43.800
So sorry, I just got a clear thought.

337
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I think for me, I'm in a place where I've stopped trying to figure it out.

338
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So I always used to see it as a puzzle, right?

339
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Like, Oh, like they're saying this, does that mean that, does that like, I love to figure

340
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it out.

341
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And what I've, what I think the Holy Spirit's been leaning into is like, let me do the work.

342
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I'm going to do the work in them.

343
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You do the work in you and let me do it.

344
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And so what I've just been trying to do is giving people space to be them.

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And honestly, like one thing I've noted is that sometimes my tone can change and I might

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be saying the exact same thing that I said to somebody, you know, like three weeks ago

347
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and I thought it was funny, but today, you know, it might've been a bad day.

348
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I lost a friend recently, you know, like my tone shifted when I lost my friend and I had

349
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to talk to the person who I was seeing and saying, look, you know what, you're right

350
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:40.500
this week, I've been kind of a dick, like kind of a jerk, like someone just because

351
00:23:40.500 --> 00:23:44.660
of my tone and, and, and I'm really hurting and, and that's not fair on you.

352
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And, uh, we figured it out and whatever, but yeah, I think she's right.

353
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But I think you just both have to be honest and say like, Hey, we might not make it to

354
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a hundred tonight.

355
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And you know, like, how are we going to take care of our family?

356
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Honor God.

357
00:24:02.580 --> 00:24:05.440
We have to have a plan for kindness, right?

358
00:24:05.480 --> 00:24:07.040
You don't have to have a plan for guys.

359
00:24:07.040 --> 00:24:19.040
So to your point, Mike, it's interesting because see, like I, when I think about

360
00:24:19.600 --> 00:24:25.900
being secure and safe with Brian, I never equate that with, he's got to have a shit

361
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all together every single day.

362
00:24:27.560 --> 00:24:33.800
Like, and so part of me is wondering if the women that are saying that, like, if

363
00:24:34.060 --> 00:24:39.700
men are saying that, are these really godly women who are, who are given the

364
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pushback?

365
00:24:40.620 --> 00:24:45.960
Because even in Jackie's book and like everything that she talks about, it's,

366
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you know, it's about being vulnerable and honest.

367
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And I don't think in any, even when we talk about the divine masculine and the

368
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divine feminine and Bob, you're not that probably not in that section of the book

369
00:24:59.740 --> 00:24:59.980
yet.

370
00:25:00.740 --> 00:25:08.320
But, you know, we talk about the role of the man and the role of the woman, but I don't

371
00:25:08.620 --> 00:25:16.340
think it ever includes, or she's ever expecting, like, I don't think that, like, David presents

372
00:25:16.340 --> 00:25:18.740
like he's got it all together all the time.

373
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:21.380
You know, can I just comment too?

374
00:25:21.380 --> 00:25:21.860
Yeah, yeah.

375
00:25:22.040 --> 00:25:24.120
This is a dialogue, so yeah, jump in.

376
00:25:24.780 --> 00:25:27.180
You used to use the example of roles, right?

377
00:25:27.180 --> 00:25:31.660
So I think that's an important distinction here, because there is a difference.

378
00:25:31.740 --> 00:25:35.280
You play a sport, you know, baseball.

379
00:25:35.760 --> 00:25:40.240
Not everybody's going to be the pitcher, because none of the rest of the field, you've got

380
00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:43.420
nine guys sitting on this pitcher's mound, nobody else is playing the role.

381
00:25:43.800 --> 00:25:44.480
You can't win.

382
00:25:44.920 --> 00:25:51.320
You have a role, and a woman's role, a man's role, should complement, but not be the same,

383
00:25:51.900 --> 00:25:52.380
right?

384
00:25:52.380 --> 00:25:59.900
So when you use the example in the video, I would say, for even a more extreme example,

385
00:26:00.260 --> 00:26:02.600
a husband, wife, and two kids are walking down the street.

386
00:26:03.280 --> 00:26:04.500
Somebody approaches them with a gun.

387
00:26:05.080 --> 00:26:05.780
What do they expect?

388
00:26:06.020 --> 00:26:09.940
Who's going to step out first, the man or the woman, to defend the family?

389
00:26:10.380 --> 00:26:15.300
The expectation is the man's going to step out first, that he's going to put his life

390
00:26:15.300 --> 00:26:19.020
ahead of his wife and his family first, right?

391
00:26:19.020 --> 00:26:25.800
So that's a role that he instinctively would want to play in that situation.

392
00:26:26.180 --> 00:26:37.460
In the video, I didn't set her hearing—setting her context for when they're 25% or 30%.

393
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If a woman comes home, or a man comes home every night, and in their role, they're saying,

394
00:26:42.560 --> 00:26:44.060
I'm 25%.

395
00:26:44.060 --> 00:26:50.780
I can't be 100%, then that's going to be exhausting to the other person if every night,

396
00:26:50.780 --> 00:26:54.020
that person, in their role, is 25%.

397
00:26:54.500 --> 00:26:55.100
100%.

398
00:26:55.300 --> 00:26:56.500
Yeah, 100%.

399
00:26:56.500 --> 00:27:03.200
And so I don't think the implied is that—I think it's more like they have a daily check-in,

400
00:27:03.660 --> 00:27:05.720
you know, for each other, kind of the thing.

401
00:27:05.920 --> 00:27:07.140
And so you're right.

402
00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:14.080
And actually, to kind of what Mike was saying, I think even a husband would get exhausted

403
00:27:14.080 --> 00:27:18.240
if his wife came home every night and said, I'm pulling 10.

404
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:21.140
And he's like, yeah, I got to pull the 80 or 90.

405
00:27:21.320 --> 00:27:26.440
I think he'd get tired at some point, and he would want her to start pulling more in

406
00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:26.940
the energy.

407
00:27:27.140 --> 00:27:35.320
It's just this idea that when you get married, it's not like you always have 10, 20, 50%.

408
00:27:35.320 --> 00:27:40.180
Like right now, you guys, I've got a paper due this week, which I'm really procrastinating,

409
00:27:40.320 --> 00:27:42.620
and I really should be finishing my paper.

410
00:27:43.300 --> 00:27:47.180
And so I feel like when I have a—the week I have a paper due, I'm lucky if I'm pulling

411
00:27:47.180 --> 00:27:48.420
a 30 or 40.

412
00:27:48.800 --> 00:27:55.040
But like the second my paper's done, I feel like it's my time to flip the switch and like

413
00:27:55.040 --> 00:27:56.000
pull my weight.

414
00:27:56.520 --> 00:27:57.040
Go ahead, Mike.

415
00:27:58.800 --> 00:28:02.060
You know, and so, okay, so there are things that come at you.

416
00:28:02.060 --> 00:28:06.920
If your standard is you're both at 25 and 10, that's just not going to work.

417
00:28:07.100 --> 00:28:12.440
That's not going to—I mean, like, so you—I don't want to use this analogy, but—or this

418
00:28:12.440 --> 00:28:16.000
is not an analogy, but this—so my ex went through cancer for three years.

419
00:28:17.100 --> 00:28:22.760
She was at a five or less, right?

420
00:28:22.760 --> 00:28:26.360
And so I was pulling everything, you know.

421
00:28:26.360 --> 00:28:33.540
And then—so then she got better, and I had been getting an hour or two of sleep a night

422
00:28:33.540 --> 00:28:35.460
for three years straight, right?

423
00:28:35.460 --> 00:28:37.580
And I got wrecked, right?

424
00:28:37.580 --> 00:28:40.700
And she couldn't—and I just wore out, right?

425
00:28:40.760 --> 00:28:42.100
Oh, and then my son's autism.

426
00:28:42.200 --> 00:28:42.520
That's right.

427
00:28:42.520 --> 00:28:44.800
It was two years of fighting to get him tested for autism.

428
00:28:45.420 --> 00:28:51.020
And she couldn't handle me not holding the fork, right?

429
00:28:51.020 --> 00:28:55.220
So I never got a chance to—and then she filed for divorce, which is great.

430
00:28:55.220 --> 00:28:58.760
Well, see, and Mike, and I would say in your instance, that totally sucks.

431
00:28:59.480 --> 00:29:05.140
Like, she can't pull 5% for three years, and then when your exhaustion kicks in, because

432
00:29:05.140 --> 00:29:08.920
you weren't meant to carry 90, 95% for three years.

433
00:29:08.980 --> 00:29:12.480
Like, to Bob's point, nobody could sustain that.

434
00:29:13.100 --> 00:29:17.900
So, but I do see—so then my thing—and I think, you guys, this is a great—this

435
00:29:17.900 --> 00:29:20.900
is a great thing to be checking in dating, right?

436
00:29:20.900 --> 00:29:24.880
Is, is she okay when you're not okay?

437
00:29:25.820 --> 00:29:26.840
I mean, because, right?

438
00:29:26.900 --> 00:29:30.940
And if she's not, can you work through that?

439
00:29:32.040 --> 00:29:34.840
Otherwise, you're always going to have to be okay.

440
00:29:35.660 --> 00:29:36.140
Amen.

441
00:29:36.920 --> 00:29:39.760
Well, and I—and that was just all I wanted to bring up.

442
00:29:40.120 --> 00:29:41.380
And I love that, Mike.

443
00:29:41.380 --> 00:29:46.160
So are you saying to me—because that doesn't seem fair to me, because if you have guys

444
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:53.280
saying to you, I can't be okay, like, I always have to be okay, like, that's not, that's

445
00:29:53.280 --> 00:29:54.060
not life.

446
00:29:54.120 --> 00:29:55.120
That's not humanity.

447
00:29:55.300 --> 00:29:59.980
I don't know any husband—I don't know any great marriage where the husband would

448
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.320
say I was okay the whole time.

449
00:30:03.820 --> 00:30:04.280
No, no.

450
00:30:04.320 --> 00:30:06.620
But being able to share that you're not okay

451
00:30:06.620 --> 00:30:08.520
and not have them freak out.

452
00:30:08.680 --> 00:30:09.680
And that's what I'm saying.

453
00:30:10.280 --> 00:30:11.160
And make it.

454
00:30:11.660 --> 00:30:13.060
So a lot of, so this is what it's like,

455
00:30:13.060 --> 00:30:14.340
you know what, I'm really-

456
00:30:14.340 --> 00:30:15.620
I feel like this might be a good teaching

457
00:30:15.700 --> 00:30:17.920
for Bethany or Jackie to do for the women.

458
00:30:18.060 --> 00:30:19.360
So that's why I want to hear more.

459
00:30:19.780 --> 00:30:22.380
So like, so I have, so I counsel a lot of dudes.

460
00:30:22.580 --> 00:30:23.780
A lot, right?

461
00:30:23.780 --> 00:30:25.520
You know, and I've done a lot of marital counseling.

462
00:30:25.880 --> 00:30:27.720
And he's like, hey, I share,

463
00:30:27.740 --> 00:30:29.620
like she's like, I got fired today.

464
00:30:29.620 --> 00:30:31.940
And I'm scared to death to go home.

465
00:30:34.320 --> 00:30:36.040
And like, and you're like,

466
00:30:36.140 --> 00:30:38.060
he's like, cause I know she's not going to be okay.

467
00:30:38.060 --> 00:30:39.680
And I'm already having a hard enough time

468
00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:40.900
because I just got fired today.

469
00:30:41.140 --> 00:30:43.320
And now, and I don't even want her to know

470
00:30:44.540 --> 00:30:47.200
because now I have to deal with me getting fired

471
00:30:47.200 --> 00:30:50.380
and her freaking out because I don't have a job, right?

472
00:30:50.480 --> 00:30:54.720
And like, and, and, and, and just seeing a dude

473
00:30:54.800 --> 00:30:58.340
like literally in my arms crying, right?

474
00:30:58.340 --> 00:31:00.420
And like, he's like, I know she's going to freak out.

475
00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:04.160
And I didn't, and I, I can't, and this is,

476
00:31:04.520 --> 00:31:07.340
I mean, that's just one of many different things, right?

477
00:31:08.020 --> 00:31:12.420
And so like women want vulnerability.

478
00:31:13.180 --> 00:31:17.720
They want, and every dude wants to be able to be not okay.

479
00:31:18.100 --> 00:31:18.660
Right?

480
00:31:18.660 --> 00:31:21.280
But we, I have found, right?

481
00:31:21.280 --> 00:31:24.040
That when we're not okay, a lot of times women aren't okay.

482
00:31:24.080 --> 00:31:26.480
And that makes us not want to be not okay

483
00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:28.180
because we don't, it's easy.

484
00:31:28.180 --> 00:31:30.540
It's hard enough to mitigate what we're dealing with,

485
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:32.980
but having mitigate what we're dealing with

486
00:31:32.980 --> 00:31:36.300
and what she's now bringing to the table, which just adds,

487
00:31:36.640 --> 00:31:38.820
it's like adding another thing to the thing, right?

488
00:31:39.380 --> 00:31:40.340
I love this.

489
00:31:40.420 --> 00:31:42.300
I mean, I think this is, that's why I'm saying,

490
00:31:42.300 --> 00:31:44.860
like, I think this might be a great topic

491
00:31:45.380 --> 00:31:47.540
for Jackie or Bethany to be teaching on.

492
00:31:47.900 --> 00:31:50.300
Like, you know, how do you partner with someone

493
00:31:50.420 --> 00:31:52.460
who's having a not okay moment?

494
00:31:53.500 --> 00:31:56.100
Because like all the women in our program

495
00:31:56.100 --> 00:31:59.240
that are kingdom women and they want a kingdom marriage,

496
00:32:00.380 --> 00:32:05.080
there's, I can't imagine how hard that would be

497
00:32:05.080 --> 00:32:07.460
if they walk into a marriage thinking

498
00:32:08.520 --> 00:32:10.960
he's got to have his crap together all the time.

499
00:32:10.980 --> 00:32:15.140
Like, and I would argue the healthy women in our community

500
00:32:17.100 --> 00:32:20.040
know that he's not going to be okay sometimes.

501
00:32:20.040 --> 00:32:24.660
They just need to know he's got a plan or roadmap

502
00:32:24.660 --> 00:32:27.560
or like, hey, I'm not okay today,

503
00:32:27.680 --> 00:32:29.620
but I'm not giving up on us.

504
00:32:29.620 --> 00:32:33.000
Because I think when women hear I'm not okay,

505
00:32:34.420 --> 00:32:38.840
they internalize it into, then you're not okay with me.

506
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:40.200
Then we're not okay.

507
00:32:40.380 --> 00:32:41.400
Then we're not okay.

508
00:32:41.560 --> 00:32:42.000
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

509
00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:43.640
If you're not okay, then we're not okay.

510
00:32:43.840 --> 00:32:44.820
That's what I hear you saying.

511
00:32:44.840 --> 00:32:47.140
And so that's where their panic is setting in.

512
00:32:47.480 --> 00:32:49.260
Like, as opposed to,

513
00:32:49.820 --> 00:32:52.100
Brian can be having a really bad day

514
00:32:52.100 --> 00:32:53.880
that has nothing to do with me.

515
00:32:53.880 --> 00:32:55.200
And you know what?

516
00:32:55.300 --> 00:32:58.180
Old unhealthy me couldn't separate the two.

517
00:32:58.340 --> 00:33:00.680
I would have thought if he was having a bad day

518
00:33:00.680 --> 00:33:03.580
that I wasn't doing something to make him feel better.

519
00:33:03.700 --> 00:33:05.560
That it was, I was still lacking

520
00:33:05.560 --> 00:33:07.560
because I wasn't helping him feel better.

521
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:10.620
And so I feel like this is a really good thing

522
00:33:10.860 --> 00:33:16.040
to kind of sit on with both sides to go like,

523
00:33:16.040 --> 00:33:18.260
it's okay to not be okay.

524
00:33:18.740 --> 00:33:20.500
But back to what Bob was saying,

525
00:33:20.500 --> 00:33:22.140
you just can't sit there forever.

526
00:33:22.140 --> 00:33:26.180
But it's also okay for somebody to be not okay.

527
00:33:26.340 --> 00:33:27.460
And it's not about you.

528
00:33:28.040 --> 00:33:29.060
And it's not about you.

529
00:33:29.220 --> 00:33:30.580
And it's not about us.

530
00:33:31.440 --> 00:33:34.100
Well, it's not sure how to respond to that thing.

531
00:33:34.220 --> 00:33:34.640
Go ahead.

532
00:33:34.780 --> 00:33:36.040
I don't, sorry, I don't know how to,

533
00:33:36.140 --> 00:33:38.040
I can't figure out how to put my hand on this thing.

534
00:33:38.080 --> 00:33:39.460
I saw some people raising hands,

535
00:33:39.480 --> 00:33:40.580
so I can't figure that out yet.

536
00:33:40.680 --> 00:33:41.420
Just jump in, buddy.

537
00:33:41.500 --> 00:33:42.340
Just jump in.

538
00:33:43.600 --> 00:33:44.680
I don't know if you ever hear

539
00:33:44.680 --> 00:33:46.540
of the Love and Respect series

540
00:33:46.860 --> 00:33:49.220
that this Erickson couple, I think it's Erickson.

541
00:33:49.240 --> 00:33:51.380
I can't remember their first and last, their first names.

542
00:33:51.380 --> 00:33:52.220
They're called the Erickson.

543
00:33:52.340 --> 00:33:54.960
Emerson, yeah, aggregates or whatever.

544
00:33:55.040 --> 00:33:56.420
Yeah, Love and Respect, truly amazing.

545
00:33:57.340 --> 00:33:58.080
Yes, yes.

546
00:33:58.080 --> 00:33:59.200
And to your point, Michael,

547
00:33:59.560 --> 00:34:02.900
you earlier talked about the job situation with somebody.

548
00:34:03.220 --> 00:34:05.900
And he used the example in the respect,

549
00:34:06.060 --> 00:34:07.700
the concept was she needs respect,

550
00:34:08.040 --> 00:34:10.420
he needs, she needs love, he needs respect.

551
00:34:10.520 --> 00:34:12.500
And they feed off each other.

552
00:34:12.540 --> 00:34:16.820
And that the biggest thing he needs from a woman,

553
00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:18.080
the husband needs from the woman

554
00:34:18.080 --> 00:34:21.360
is respect and belief in him.

555
00:34:21.860 --> 00:34:24.060
So when a guy comes home and says,

556
00:34:24.179 --> 00:34:26.199
oh my God, and I've been in this situation, I lost a job.

557
00:34:26.580 --> 00:34:29.260
It's like coming home that, you know,

558
00:34:29.260 --> 00:34:31.679
a lot of times your identity is wrapped up in your career

559
00:34:31.679 --> 00:34:34.699
and your job, suddenly you lose it, right?

560
00:34:35.040 --> 00:34:39.560
What he needs is her belief in him

561
00:34:39.560 --> 00:34:41.280
that he's gonna get through it.

562
00:34:41.699 --> 00:34:44.000
And he will rise above it

563
00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:46.040
and enforce that in him, her belief.

564
00:34:46.040 --> 00:34:48.280
And I mean, the book was really clear

565
00:34:48.440 --> 00:34:52.420
how important it is that a woman doesn't realize

566
00:34:52.420 --> 00:34:56.820
how important her belief in him is to sustain.

567
00:34:57.300 --> 00:34:59.980
It's probably the most important thing is for.

568
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.840
her. The one person he wants in his life to believe in him is his wife.

569
00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:07.860
All right. I'm going to pull up while you guys are talking. I think I,

570
00:35:07.860 --> 00:35:12.220
I have from the divine masculine and feminine

571
00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:14.940
teaching and it's technically

572
00:35:18.840 --> 00:35:23.120
in phase two. So I'm going to pull this little summary sheet up.

573
00:35:24.100 --> 00:35:28.680
Da da da da. Hold on. Where'd you go? I lost you guys for a second.

574
00:35:29.400 --> 00:35:32.640
All right. I'm going to share this cause I feel like this list is also

575
00:35:33.620 --> 00:35:37.100
really good. Cause this is tying now back into

576
00:35:37.860 --> 00:35:41.980
look at your dog. So cute. Oh my gosh. My dog's the best.

577
00:35:41.980 --> 00:35:45.600
She's the flower girl. The flower dog pictures. Those were the cutest things.

578
00:35:45.960 --> 00:35:49.040
Oh my gosh. You guys, my dog was the flower girl. I mean,

579
00:35:49.040 --> 00:35:51.640
you can't make this up. Okay.

580
00:35:53.640 --> 00:35:57.240
All right. Do you guys see this divine feminine session outline?

581
00:35:58.700 --> 00:36:04.200
So I kind of summarized what the divine masculine is and the divine

582
00:36:04.200 --> 00:36:08.420
feminine. So the, so the, you know, per Jackie Dorman. Okay.

583
00:36:08.420 --> 00:36:11.240
So what does God say is the divine masculine?

584
00:36:11.580 --> 00:36:12.880
So here's what,

585
00:36:13.040 --> 00:36:16.260
how you all are designed and what we're looking for.

586
00:36:16.740 --> 00:36:20.520
Men should be the order keeper. They kind of keep things in order.

587
00:36:20.900 --> 00:36:23.300
They are the defender of the woman.

588
00:36:23.760 --> 00:36:26.540
They are the dispenser of justice,

589
00:36:26.540 --> 00:36:28.980
kind of like defender. When you guys talked about that,

590
00:36:29.020 --> 00:36:30.980
if somebody comes up with a gun, he's the defender,

591
00:36:31.300 --> 00:36:34.360
he is the provider and we don't think just financial,

592
00:36:34.520 --> 00:36:37.900
we mean he's going to provide, he has the covering,

593
00:36:38.860 --> 00:36:41.600
he is loyal and he is a helper.

594
00:36:42.460 --> 00:36:43.960
Men like to fix stuff.

595
00:36:45.660 --> 00:36:49.780
So it says men have a hard time with women who look like they don't need

596
00:36:50.980 --> 00:36:52.920
anything. And so for the women,

597
00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:55.980
I have more here cause it's obviously it was a teaching to women,

598
00:36:56.540 --> 00:37:00.680
women are the nurturer and,

599
00:37:01.220 --> 00:37:04.720
but we have to make, make sure that we don't,

600
00:37:05.060 --> 00:37:08.360
men don't need us to mother them. Nurturer is not mother.

601
00:37:08.780 --> 00:37:12.580
We are a counselor. We can give wise counselor,

602
00:37:12.820 --> 00:37:16.300
but we don't want to turn into the therapist for the man.

603
00:37:17.060 --> 00:37:20.340
We are gifted to bring wisdom and discernment.

604
00:37:20.540 --> 00:37:23.380
And it says here that wisdom and it says, however,

605
00:37:23.380 --> 00:37:28.160
with a broken unhealed heart, that can sound judgmental.

606
00:37:28.180 --> 00:37:30.780
And so Mike, kind of like what you were talking about.

607
00:37:31.120 --> 00:37:36.420
If you're meeting men who say that their wife can't

608
00:37:36.420 --> 00:37:37.080
handle something,

609
00:37:37.220 --> 00:37:41.720
I would say that she's probably got some unhealed places into her heart

610
00:37:41.860 --> 00:37:45.040
and she is getting a little judgy McJudgy.

611
00:37:46.240 --> 00:37:48.640
Women are also supposed to be the comforter.

612
00:37:48.740 --> 00:37:51.500
They're supposed to be bring peace and Shalom.

613
00:37:52.100 --> 00:37:54.880
They're supposed to be meek, which is not weak.

614
00:37:55.760 --> 00:38:01.120
And they're supposed to be the receiver and we are supposed to be

615
00:38:01.120 --> 00:38:05.300
fun. So that's what she describes as the role. You know,

616
00:38:05.300 --> 00:38:08.300
I think Bob, you were talking about the roles of the men and women.

617
00:38:08.540 --> 00:38:10.640
And so when you're looking at that list,

618
00:38:11.060 --> 00:38:15.920
you guys do better when you get to excel here and women do well,

619
00:38:15.920 --> 00:38:19.280
when we get to excel in our,

620
00:38:20.240 --> 00:38:24.320
in our divine roles. So in seeing that,

621
00:38:27.320 --> 00:38:29.820
I feel like when you merge those two topics,

622
00:38:30.880 --> 00:38:35.020
it becomes unsafe for men when

623
00:38:35.020 --> 00:38:39.440
women don't trust that men will be their provider.

624
00:38:39.560 --> 00:38:42.420
Like they can lose the job and still be a provider.

625
00:38:42.920 --> 00:38:47.220
They can lose the job and still be the protector,

626
00:38:47.900 --> 00:38:48.400
you know,

627
00:38:50.100 --> 00:38:53.680
and they both have to build that up in each other.

628
00:38:54.320 --> 00:38:55.980
Like to your point, Mike,

629
00:38:56.020 --> 00:38:59.120
I would hope that I would be the wife that says, actually, you guys,

630
00:38:59.640 --> 00:39:02.140
you know what? When I first was dating Brian, I mean,

631
00:39:02.140 --> 00:39:03.600
we don't talk about it a lot.

632
00:39:04.600 --> 00:39:08.760
But in the first month that I was dating Brian, he was very unhappy in his job.

633
00:39:08.820 --> 00:39:13.080
He was already looking for another job. And in fact, I said to him, I think,

634
00:39:13.080 --> 00:39:17.460
I think you're not hiding enough in your current employment that you're not

635
00:39:17.460 --> 00:39:21.780
happy. Like just from what you're sharing. He's like, Oh no,

636
00:39:21.780 --> 00:39:24.200
I'm totally fine. No, he was not fine. I mean,

637
00:39:24.200 --> 00:39:26.540
he literally called me one day to say, well,

638
00:39:27.340 --> 00:39:31.280
they asked me to resign. And, um,

639
00:39:31.680 --> 00:39:35.120
I think it was a really hard phone call for him to make. And like I said,

640
00:39:35.160 --> 00:39:39.900
we weren't even dating a month and I could have been really judgy

641
00:39:39.900 --> 00:39:42.820
about it. I could have been like, Oh my gosh, he can't provide for me.

642
00:39:42.820 --> 00:39:46.500
Like who's the, you know, and I just was his biggest cheerleader.

643
00:39:46.780 --> 00:39:50.920
Instead of letting that be his worst moment.

644
00:39:50.920 --> 00:39:52.760
I was like, well, you know what?

645
00:39:53.560 --> 00:39:56.400
Maybe you were a little too blunt and honest, but you know,

646
00:39:56.420 --> 00:39:59.680
you've got all these other things going and you know, you guys.

647
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.700
within a week he was interviewing and ended up getting a job which ended up being a promotion.

648
00:40:05.140 --> 00:40:10.360
So God had him. But Mike, to your point, I can't imagine what it would have done for our

649
00:40:10.420 --> 00:40:16.260
relationship if I met that conversation with fear and disappointment in him.

650
00:40:17.240 --> 00:40:24.080
One example from classic literature that like fits this perfectly is Charles Dickens' book

651
00:40:24.080 --> 00:40:27.780
David Copperfield. There's this character, Mrs. McCobber.

652
00:40:29.200 --> 00:40:33.900
Her husband is going to go into debtor's prison and everything and she's saying,

653
00:40:34.060 --> 00:40:38.740
I'm never going to desert Mr. McCobber. Just so sweet the way she is in that book.

654
00:40:39.180 --> 00:40:44.840
I love that. I read David Copperfield in high school. I've not heard that in a very long time.

655
00:40:46.380 --> 00:40:47.680
What were you going to say, David?

656
00:40:47.680 --> 00:40:54.840
Yeah. So I think about providing, I had a conversation in the past relationship I was

657
00:40:54.840 --> 00:40:59.440
in recently that I just let the person know, I was like, hey, financially, because she lived

658
00:41:00.180 --> 00:41:05.220
two and a half hours away, I was like, I can't keep driving to you every single week because

659
00:41:05.220 --> 00:41:12.300
I was like, this is costing me, with gas and food and fuel, minimum $100, but it was around $150 a

660
00:41:11.920 --> 00:41:17.040
week. And I said, my budget's pretty tight right now. And so I just let her know. I was like,

661
00:41:17.040 --> 00:41:21.960
this is what it's looking like. And so that really hurt her. She said, well, God would want me to be

662
00:41:21.960 --> 00:41:26.760
with a man who can provide. And I said, okay, but I said, but look, I've already got a plan.

663
00:41:27.380 --> 00:41:33.880
I know how much it's costing me to keep going. So yeah.

664
00:41:35.280 --> 00:41:40.580
I'm telling you what, you guys, I'm really glad we're having this conversation because I really,

665
00:41:40.580 --> 00:41:48.060
want to talk to Jackie about this offline because I think that we want men to provide for us,

666
00:41:48.100 --> 00:41:57.500
but I think it's really unrealistic and unfair to think, I mean, that's a lot of money,

667
00:41:57.720 --> 00:42:05.380
David, for you to have to put up. And I mean, I don't know.

668
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:13.800
So that's one of the, and I think that's too, like, I mean, and I talk to a lot of ladies too.

669
00:42:13.840 --> 00:42:20.420
So it's not like I counsel everybody or coach, sorry. I got to, you know, but I do think it's

670
00:42:20.420 --> 00:42:26.100
something that's important. Like every dude wants to be a hero. Right. And like when you come home

671
00:42:26.100 --> 00:42:34.300
and you get, rather than comfort, you get condemnation or concern or like freaking out,

672
00:42:35.060 --> 00:42:38.680
or it's like, it doesn't become safe. Does that make sense?

673
00:42:40.080 --> 00:42:44.380
Yeah. And I think for me, I was always raised that it's not how much you make,

674
00:42:44.440 --> 00:42:48.760
but it's how well do you manage it? Right. Like, are you managing your budget and are

675
00:42:48.760 --> 00:42:52.700
you living within your means? And are you being realistic about what you're actually spending?

676
00:42:55.060 --> 00:42:58.720
Yeah. One of the reasons why I'm not doing long distance dating, it's not that I have the money.

677
00:42:58.740 --> 00:43:03.640
I got 45 grand sitting in my bank account right now, but it's that I don't want to burn through

678
00:43:03.640 --> 00:43:06.800
that because that part of that's a ring. Part of that's a wedding. Part of that's a future.

679
00:43:07.420 --> 00:43:15.380
Right. And, and so I could date long distance and if something actually kicked off that the Lord

680
00:43:15.380 --> 00:43:19.920
allowed me to, but I'm holding that with, you know, I'm actually homeless at the moment, which

681
00:43:19.920 --> 00:43:24.520
is kind of funny because the Lord won't let me allow me to sign a lease. Right. Which is kind

682
00:43:24.520 --> 00:43:28.080
of a weird place. I've never been in this place before. And I'm like, well, it'd be so much easier

683
00:43:28.080 --> 00:43:32.800
just to go get a place right now. He's like, hold out, wait. Right. And so I think there's things

684
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:35.200
like, Mike, where are you staying right now? Where are you staying tonight?

685
00:43:35.920 --> 00:43:39.780
I have my, I have friends, like, you know, they have a, they have a huge warehouse and I'm good.

686
00:43:39.820 --> 00:43:44.620
So like, um, and he's teaching me to lean on other people, which is not one of my favorite

687
00:43:44.620 --> 00:43:50.680
things to do. I think, you know, I'm growing. This is, and I think that's part of this process.

688
00:43:50.700 --> 00:43:54.800
He's like, I'm not going to let you be the solo no more. Right. Like, you know, I'm going to make

689
00:43:54.800 --> 00:44:02.500
you depend on community. So, um, but I, I just think women don't understand. Well,

690
00:44:03.040 --> 00:44:09.620
yeah, actually that's fair to say. I was like, I don't want to be harsh, but I don't want women

691
00:44:09.820 --> 00:44:16.180
understand that the power they hold. Oh, okay. Sorry. Like I said, like a, your, your wife,

692
00:44:16.300 --> 00:44:23.280
right. Has immense power. And there's, and like every dude wants to be a hero. And when you get

693
00:44:23.280 --> 00:44:30.360
crushed, you don't feel like a hero. You feel like a failure. And when you come home and you,

694
00:44:31.940 --> 00:44:37.380
if, if your wife was like, and Renee, I love your story, your, your, what you did. Right.

695
00:44:37.480 --> 00:44:43.600
Because he never lost here. He never lost hero status. Yeah. I know. It's, it's kind of like,

696
00:44:43.600 --> 00:44:46.800
you know, um, or just, um,

697
00:44:49.620 --> 00:44:57.220
like when you lose hero status, it's absolutely crushing. Right. And, um, and I think that's

698
00:44:57.220 --> 00:44:59.980
something that women don't understand, like, yes, you can.

699
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.840
freak out. Yes, you can, like, I don't know, but it's God who's the provider. Like right

700
00:45:04.940 --> 00:45:11.780
now, I'm like, I, I'm kind of in a relationship, kind of not, but like, I'm like, this is,

701
00:45:11.960 --> 00:45:17.420
this is bizarre, and not atypical for me. This is, you know, and like, but I'm feeling

702
00:45:17.420 --> 00:45:21.920
very vulnerable and very, and my work sucks. And like, like, Lord, what are you doing?

703
00:45:22.660 --> 00:45:27.040
And I'm like, I don't know if I can try, like, having somebody who could be entrusted

704
00:45:27.040 --> 00:45:34.060
with that. It sounds like you weren't right. And be like a cheerleader and not be a helpmate,

705
00:45:34.720 --> 00:45:41.440
not a, a weight. I think I think that's a lot of times. And yes, you guys are wired

706
00:45:43.060 --> 00:45:47.900
for security. But if you you know, but like you said, you see that he's not tied to this

707
00:45:47.900 --> 00:45:52.040
and that. And if you actually were tied to the Lord is the provider, like Jackie met

708
00:45:52.040 --> 00:45:54.740
David and David was a train wreck. As far as like,

709
00:45:54.740 --> 00:45:58.640
he always talks about how he was ready to file for bankruptcy when they met.

710
00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:06.120
And so like, and, but like bringing that, because that's a cute story. But it's a reality

711
00:46:06.260 --> 00:46:11.880
sometimes. Right. And I think it's great in theory. But when you're, you know, a lot of

712
00:46:11.880 --> 00:46:16.740
women aren't prepared for. Okay, the odds are you get married, there's going to be a

713
00:46:16.740 --> 00:46:21.500
loss of job at some point. It's just it's just something that you navigate. And there's

714
00:46:21.620 --> 00:46:26.060
going to be that. And to Brené's point, there's a lot of times where one person's

715
00:46:26.060 --> 00:46:31.700
pulling more than the other. But like you said, it's, it's important that it isn't that

716
00:46:31.880 --> 00:46:37.080
it flips. Yeah. Right. Or, or it gets back to baseline, or like what, like when, you

717
00:46:37.080 --> 00:46:43.920
know, one's not. And so I don't know, I just, I think that it would be great to do a call

718
00:46:43.920 --> 00:46:47.480
on like, hey, this is what happens when a man gets crushed. And this is how to love

719
00:46:47.480 --> 00:46:52.720
them and cheerleading well. And yes, you're going to feel XYZ and kind of you may be

720
00:46:52.720 --> 00:46:59.620
freaking out yourself. But you're what he needs from you is a cheerleader and somebody

721
00:47:00.120 --> 00:47:03.040
to, you know, lift him up.

722
00:47:03.800 --> 00:47:09.660
How do you feel or think that some of this has been, you know, womanhood, or role has

723
00:47:10.040 --> 00:47:17.080
been cultured out of her also, over the last 3050 years, right. And I'll tell you, I worked

724
00:47:17.080 --> 00:47:20.500
in a professional environment. And I have some closer women friends who've told me at

725
00:47:20.640 --> 00:47:26.300
time that, you know, they've gone into meetings with guys and men and, you know, senior people

726
00:47:26.300 --> 00:47:31.500
in an office had to have difficult conversations, they walk out of it, and they walked into

727
00:47:31.500 --> 00:47:36.480
their own office, close the door and broke down and cried. Because they felt in that

728
00:47:36.480 --> 00:47:43.260
room in that table in that setting, they had to be just like the man in that room. They

729
00:47:43.260 --> 00:47:47.260
couldn't be vulnerable, they couldn't have their own weaknesses, they had to go away

730
00:47:47.260 --> 00:47:52.460
and be able to be what they really felt was I want to break down and cry right now. Right.

731
00:47:52.940 --> 00:47:58.600
So I think sometimes this culture is also impacting the ability for a woman and man

732
00:47:58.600 --> 00:48:02.980
to be what is a more intrinsic role in nature.

733
00:48:03.180 --> 00:48:09.240
And it's hard because Bob, a lot of the women, especially once they get to like 40s and 50s,

734
00:48:09.240 --> 00:48:14.100
like a lot of us have had to be the boss, babe, we've had to walk into meetings, and

735
00:48:14.100 --> 00:48:19.320
we've had to put on a lot of masculine energy. And I think what happens is, you know, they

736
00:48:19.320 --> 00:48:24.360
kind of come into this program, and they want to reclaim that feminine role that we were

737
00:48:24.360 --> 00:48:30.300
designed to be. But I think sometimes it's coming from a place of exhaustion or frustration.

738
00:48:30.300 --> 00:48:35.800
So it's like, that's it, I'm done being the man, I want somebody else to provide for me,

739
00:48:35.800 --> 00:48:41.440
like, I'm ready to be provided for and cared for, like, I can't be the feminine unless

740
00:48:41.440 --> 00:48:48.560
you're going to step up and be masculine. And that's true, but it does, it still has

741
00:48:48.560 --> 00:48:55.600
to hold space and grace for that masculine man to have hard days.

742
00:48:55.960 --> 00:49:03.400
Well, another thing to think about, I was just gonna say, like, sometimes I feel like

743
00:49:04.700 --> 00:49:10.880
the women need to step back to allow the man to be in the masculine role, because I sometimes

744
00:49:10.880 --> 00:49:18.200
feel like in some of my past relationships, like she was expecting me to step in the role.

745
00:49:18.520 --> 00:49:23.840
But the reason I wasn't filling that role is because she was not stepping back.

746
00:49:24.220 --> 00:49:25.640
Yeah, for sure.

747
00:49:26.800 --> 00:49:27.680
Go ahead, David.

748
00:49:29.940 --> 00:49:35.540
So this is a bit off topic, but today I was praying and I said, Lord, could you please

749
00:49:35.540 --> 00:49:39.620
let it be Renee tonight? Because I have a question for Renee, and I don't know what to do. And I

750
00:49:39.460 --> 00:49:43.100
said, God, I don't know her schedule anymore. She's been married, but can you please be Renee?

751
00:49:43.400 --> 00:49:46.820
And then when I saw Rizzo, I was like, okay, good. So I'll ask you very quickly,

752
00:49:46.900 --> 00:49:54.700
because I know we're short for time. But so I, I'm talking with Phoebe again,

753
00:49:54.700 --> 00:49:59.240
and she was the one that texted me like, why do you like me? Why did you like my profile? Right?

754
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.540
And so I told her why I liked it.

755
00:50:01.700 --> 00:50:02.740
I gave her a sincere answer.

756
00:50:03.160 --> 00:50:04.820
And her reply was like,

757
00:50:05.020 --> 00:50:06.180
oh, thanks for your honesty.

758
00:50:07.460 --> 00:50:08.900
You know, fourth quarter, here we come.

759
00:50:09.520 --> 00:50:11.760
I'll see you in community when I come on sometimes.

760
00:50:11.860 --> 00:50:13.440
And you know, I'm glad you're involved

761
00:50:13.440 --> 00:50:15.120
unless you're single, right?

762
00:50:15.140 --> 00:50:17.940
Do you feel like she was just giving you the brush off?

763
00:50:19.580 --> 00:50:22.240
No, I actually think that's her way of flirting.

764
00:50:23.380 --> 00:50:23.820
Okay.

765
00:50:24.660 --> 00:50:27.580
And like, and that's how what Phoebe does it.

766
00:50:27.580 --> 00:50:28.820
It's like, she'll write me a letter saying,

767
00:50:28.820 --> 00:50:29.660
hey, I really like you.

768
00:50:29.720 --> 00:50:30.700
And then she'll say like,

769
00:50:30.740 --> 00:50:32.540
oh, but I'm afraid so I can't.

770
00:50:32.700 --> 00:50:34.500
Like that's been me and Phoebe's dynamic.

771
00:50:35.760 --> 00:50:37.600
Wait, how long have you been doing that?

772
00:50:40.120 --> 00:50:43.800
So with Phoebe, it was like May.

773
00:50:44.360 --> 00:50:47.000
And then I cut off communication

774
00:50:47.760 --> 00:50:50.320
because I said, I'm no more like push and pull.

775
00:50:50.420 --> 00:50:53.520
So like, I just cut it off when I started last year single.

776
00:50:53.880 --> 00:50:55.520
Then she wrote me a big letter saying,

777
00:50:55.460 --> 00:50:57.200
hey, I really like you.

778
00:50:57.340 --> 00:50:58.340
I care about you.

779
00:50:58.340 --> 00:50:59.620
Is Phoebe not in our community?

780
00:51:00.080 --> 00:51:01.020
She is, yeah.

781
00:51:01.840 --> 00:51:03.160
Wait, I gotta get my phone.

782
00:51:03.280 --> 00:51:04.240
It was on the charger.

783
00:51:04.360 --> 00:51:05.460
I gotta see who this chick is.

784
00:51:06.880 --> 00:51:07.160
Uh-oh.

785
00:51:09.460 --> 00:51:11.840
Because I don't like hearing that anybody

786
00:51:11.840 --> 00:51:14.460
in our community is doing a push pull with you.

787
00:51:14.500 --> 00:51:15.600
That's pissing me off.

788
00:51:16.720 --> 00:51:17.520
I don't like that.

789
00:51:17.600 --> 00:51:19.540
I wouldn't want anybody in this community

790
00:51:19.980 --> 00:51:21.040
doing the push pull.

791
00:51:21.680 --> 00:51:24.360
I'm gonna come back to you while I'm pulling her up.

792
00:51:24.640 --> 00:51:26.380
Mike, did you have anything more to say

793
00:51:26.380 --> 00:51:28.220
about the other topic we were heavily in?

794
00:51:28.860 --> 00:51:30.840
Well, I had a question too, but yeah.

795
00:51:30.840 --> 00:51:32.500
So the other topic, I just,

796
00:51:33.740 --> 00:51:35.280
and I think the ladies need to know is like,

797
00:51:35.280 --> 00:51:37.560
most dudes aren't, we wanna provide,

798
00:51:37.740 --> 00:51:39.820
but we're not looking for that role.

799
00:51:39.900 --> 00:51:40.720
We wanna partner.

800
00:51:41.200 --> 00:51:41.640
Yeah.

801
00:51:42.080 --> 00:51:43.500
Right, like we want somebody that,

802
00:51:45.060 --> 00:51:47.820
not that she has to pull all the weight,

803
00:51:47.980 --> 00:51:49.840
but that like we work together, right?

804
00:51:50.140 --> 00:51:50.560
Yeah.

805
00:51:50.940 --> 00:51:53.260
So like, I suck at-

806
00:51:53.260 --> 00:51:54.280
Phoebe Milton, is that it, David?

807
00:51:55.140 --> 00:51:55.680
Yeah, I'm in.

808
00:51:55.960 --> 00:51:56.140
Yeah.

809
00:51:56.680 --> 00:51:58.120
Okay, keep talking, Mike.

810
00:51:58.760 --> 00:52:01.820
So anyway, so this gal that I have been

811
00:52:01.820 --> 00:52:03.400
in community with for a couple of years,

812
00:52:03.540 --> 00:52:04.820
her husband tried to kill her

813
00:52:04.820 --> 00:52:07.960
and then that was special, really broken.

814
00:52:08.320 --> 00:52:10.900
And anyways, like that was a couple of years ago.

815
00:52:11.540 --> 00:52:13.600
But anyways, when I'm talking with,

816
00:52:13.760 --> 00:52:15.040
like, should I expect,

817
00:52:15.080 --> 00:52:16.500
so there's the pursuer part, right?

818
00:52:16.500 --> 00:52:18.320
Like I'm supposed to be a pursuer, yada, yada, yada.

819
00:52:18.720 --> 00:52:20.680
But isn't there supposed to be some reciprocation

820
00:52:21.100 --> 00:52:22.400
or, right?

821
00:52:22.420 --> 00:52:24.140
Like, you know, and so I was like-

822
00:52:24.140 --> 00:52:27.240
Yeah, Jackie has said that women should match

823
00:52:27.240 --> 00:52:29.080
the energy if we're interested,

824
00:52:29.400 --> 00:52:31.360
we're supposed to match the guy's energy.

825
00:52:32.020 --> 00:52:33.720
Yeah, and so like, yeah,

826
00:52:33.720 --> 00:52:35.060
so I haven't had a whole lot of,

827
00:52:35.300 --> 00:52:36.880
I mean, she did come back once,

828
00:52:36.920 --> 00:52:38.580
but then, so last week I was like,

829
00:52:38.640 --> 00:52:39.080
hey, how are you doing?

830
00:52:39.280 --> 00:52:39.700
How's your kid?

831
00:52:39.900 --> 00:52:42.080
Because she's got two boys, right?

832
00:52:42.960 --> 00:52:46.000
And I'm just trying to just get to know her

833
00:52:46.000 --> 00:52:47.520
and I'm not looking to, you know what I mean?

834
00:52:47.700 --> 00:52:49.860
Like, and she's like,

835
00:52:49.880 --> 00:52:51.480
well, I want to get to know you too, yada, yada, yada.

836
00:52:51.520 --> 00:52:54.540
But then I haven't heard, it's been crickets since

837
00:52:54.540 --> 00:52:56.820
and I've been going through a crap ton.

838
00:52:57.520 --> 00:52:59.420
You know, like I've been getting obliterated.

839
00:52:59.720 --> 00:53:01.840
So I haven't had the energy or haven't cared.

840
00:53:02.060 --> 00:53:04.560
So I should, I just let it ride and let it go

841
00:53:04.920 --> 00:53:06.780
or should I actually continue throwing?

842
00:53:06.960 --> 00:53:08.720
Well, so here's what I would do.

843
00:53:09.440 --> 00:53:12.560
And this advice would be for anybody,

844
00:53:12.880 --> 00:53:13.560
including David,

845
00:53:13.840 --> 00:53:15.860
is if you're trying to get to know somebody,

846
00:53:15.860 --> 00:53:18.620
you're like, hey, I'm available next Thursday

847
00:53:18.620 --> 00:53:20.600
at 5 p.m. for about 30 minutes.

848
00:53:20.700 --> 00:53:21.980
It's a really busy week,

849
00:53:21.980 --> 00:53:23.580
but I want to make time to just,

850
00:53:23.580 --> 00:53:24.940
you know, get to know you a little bit.

851
00:53:24.940 --> 00:53:26.040
Can we do that time?

852
00:53:26.040 --> 00:53:27.240
And if that time doesn't work,

853
00:53:27.280 --> 00:53:28.100
do you have another time?

854
00:53:28.660 --> 00:53:32.280
And if a woman's not booking that time with you

855
00:53:32.280 --> 00:53:33.700
and she just, but she's like,

856
00:53:33.700 --> 00:53:34.600
oh, I'm really busy.

857
00:53:34.660 --> 00:53:36.520
I still want to talk to you.

858
00:53:36.520 --> 00:53:39.100
But she's, and I would say this goes both way.

859
00:53:39.920 --> 00:53:41.800
When I hear from a guy and they're like,

860
00:53:41.880 --> 00:53:43.320
oh yeah, I really want to make time for you.

861
00:53:43.320 --> 00:53:46.360
But that time doesn't ever have a specific time and place.

862
00:53:46.360 --> 00:53:47.920
And that's just, that's just crap.

863
00:53:47.980 --> 00:53:48.920
I don't have time for that.

864
00:53:51.080 --> 00:53:52.720
So you want to put energy.

865
00:53:52.840 --> 00:53:54.200
And so that's what you could do, Mike.

866
00:53:54.200 --> 00:53:55.920
You can say, hey, you know,

867
00:53:55.920 --> 00:53:57.480
I looked at my schedule for the week.

868
00:53:57.520 --> 00:54:00.060
I've got this time available or this time available.

869
00:54:01.040 --> 00:54:04.400
Do either of those work for a video chat

870
00:54:04.400 --> 00:54:06.260
on Facebook Messenger or FaceTime

871
00:54:06.260 --> 00:54:07.820
or however you like to communicate.

872
00:54:08.240 --> 00:54:10.140
I would be really specific.

873
00:54:10.440 --> 00:54:12.760
And if she can't make those two times

874
00:54:12.760 --> 00:54:14.940
and she doesn't offer an alternative,

875
00:54:15.780 --> 00:54:17.000
then I would let it be.

876
00:54:18.280 --> 00:54:20.500
Because like when we're together on like Wednesdays

877
00:54:20.500 --> 00:54:23.540
when she shows up, we have a great time.

878
00:54:24.280 --> 00:54:26.640
Oh, when she shows up live?

879
00:54:27.720 --> 00:54:30.560
Yeah, like I thought we really connected

880
00:54:30.560 --> 00:54:32.000
and then I'm like really confused.

881
00:54:32.140 --> 00:54:33.340
Well, I mean, she is going through a lot.

882
00:54:33.460 --> 00:54:34.500
Well, and I think people,

883
00:54:34.540 --> 00:54:37.400
I think people enjoy people's company,

884
00:54:38.000 --> 00:54:39.760
but this is where I feel like

885
00:54:39.760 --> 00:54:41.920
what separates the wheat from the shaft.

886
00:54:42.100 --> 00:54:44.940
This is where you find out how serious people are

887
00:54:45.420 --> 00:54:47.680
about putting in time to a relationship.

888
00:54:48.200 --> 00:54:50.320
It's one thing to show up and know,

889
00:54:50.320 --> 00:54:51.680
oh my gosh, I'm going to see Mike.

890
00:54:51.860 --> 00:54:53.220
He's so much fun to be around.

891
00:54:54.180 --> 00:54:57.280
That's different than I'm really serious

892
00:54:57.280 --> 00:54:59.980
about giving Mike some attention and getting to know.

893
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:01.680
to see if this could go anywhere.

894
00:55:02.600 --> 00:55:03.080
Okay.

895
00:55:03.220 --> 00:55:05.760
You know, and so like, that's what's confusing about it.

896
00:55:06.060 --> 00:55:08.080
And so that's where I would be like,

897
00:55:08.180 --> 00:55:09.740
I would be really specific.

898
00:55:10.020 --> 00:55:11.620
And if she says,

899
00:55:12.020 --> 00:55:14.220
and if you give her a couple of times to choose from,

900
00:55:14.620 --> 00:55:16.640
she doesn't pick either one of those times

901
00:55:16.640 --> 00:55:20.340
and she doesn't offer an alternative, I'd leave it be.

902
00:55:21.300 --> 00:55:22.220
All right, cool.

903
00:55:22.260 --> 00:55:22.640
Thank you.

904
00:55:23.060 --> 00:55:23.440
Yep.

905
00:55:23.700 --> 00:55:26.140
Okay, so David, back to you and Ms. Phoebe.

906
00:55:27.600 --> 00:55:29.860
How far away from you is Phoebe?

907
00:55:31.080 --> 00:55:31.920
Two hours.

908
00:55:32.540 --> 00:55:33.040
Okay.

909
00:55:33.720 --> 00:55:37.060
Is it still gonna be this expensive train ride,

910
00:55:37.400 --> 00:55:38.500
doohickey to get to you?

911
00:55:40.220 --> 00:55:43.420
Yeah, but Phoebe was always more willing like to come.

912
00:55:43.760 --> 00:55:44.020
Okay.

913
00:55:44.260 --> 00:55:47.260
So you and Phoebe have been dancing since May?

914
00:55:49.580 --> 00:55:50.040
Yeah.

915
00:55:50.340 --> 00:55:53.220
Okay, so what has stopped you guys from actually seeing,

916
00:55:53.480 --> 00:55:54.920
have you seen each other in person?

917
00:55:54.920 --> 00:55:57.060
Yeah, three times.

918
00:55:57.680 --> 00:55:59.740
So we, this is before I did the heart work.

919
00:55:59.840 --> 00:56:01.260
So we saw each other three times.

920
00:56:01.720 --> 00:56:04.580
And then I wanted to have a conversation with Phoebe once.

921
00:56:04.600 --> 00:56:05.280
And then Phoebe said,

922
00:56:05.420 --> 00:56:06.980
I actually want you to write it all out for me.

923
00:56:07.080 --> 00:56:07.800
So I did.

924
00:56:08.060 --> 00:56:10.140
And then that blew up.

925
00:56:10.160 --> 00:56:11.180
And then we had a very,

926
00:56:11.800 --> 00:56:14.540
we had like a last conversation and it was really peaceful.

927
00:56:14.540 --> 00:56:17.020
And she just said, hey, I like you, but this is scary.

928
00:56:17.560 --> 00:56:19.180
And you know, on the one hand, I like you,

929
00:56:19.280 --> 00:56:20.380
but I'm also afraid, so.

930
00:56:20.880 --> 00:56:23.680
So is she recently in the program?

931
00:56:24.100 --> 00:56:25.940
No, she's like two years in.

932
00:56:26.920 --> 00:56:26.920


933
00:56:28.080 --> 00:56:30.120
So anyways, then I was like, you know what?

934
00:56:30.240 --> 00:56:31.600
She just asked me a bunch of questions.

935
00:56:31.660 --> 00:56:32.960
She's like, hey, like,

936
00:56:33.340 --> 00:56:35.840
and I didn't know that she was asking me heart work questions

937
00:56:35.840 --> 00:56:37.220
but I just didn't have the answer.

938
00:56:37.300 --> 00:56:38.260
And so I said, you know what, Lord,

939
00:56:38.700 --> 00:56:40.080
I wanted to do this program.

940
00:56:40.160 --> 00:56:42.120
So I did last year single, not trying to get her back,

941
00:56:42.260 --> 00:56:43.360
whatever, I just thought, you know what?

942
00:56:43.700 --> 00:56:45.640
I just know that I need to work on me.

943
00:56:45.780 --> 00:56:47.340
And I just thought that she was just

944
00:56:47.740 --> 00:56:49.240
not really that interested in me,

945
00:56:49.520 --> 00:56:50.420
but more just was like,

946
00:56:50.700 --> 00:56:52.700
the purpose was to just develop myself

947
00:56:52.700 --> 00:56:54.920
and maybe meet somebody great, right?

948
00:56:54.920 --> 00:56:57.780
And then didn't talk to her for like six, seven weeks.

949
00:56:57.840 --> 00:56:59.280
And then she did an interview with Jackie

950
00:56:59.280 --> 00:57:00.400
where she just said, hey,

951
00:57:00.680 --> 00:57:02.160
I haven't felt connected with anybody.

952
00:57:03.280 --> 00:57:06.180
And then, you know, like basically every connections

953
00:57:06.180 --> 00:57:07.640
I've had, it's just been level one.

954
00:57:08.760 --> 00:57:10.760
And then after that interview,

955
00:57:10.760 --> 00:57:14.160
she wrote me a huge letter saying, I really care about you.

956
00:57:14.480 --> 00:57:15.740
You weren't, you know, like,

957
00:57:15.740 --> 00:57:17.940
and then we talk and then she slams the door

958
00:57:18.060 --> 00:57:20.420
and she's like, actually like, I don't like you at all.

959
00:57:20.820 --> 00:57:22.280
I don't know why you would think I'm interested.

960
00:57:22.280 --> 00:57:24.980
So then I just walked away from it.

961
00:57:25.640 --> 00:57:28.020
And then I met Evelyn and Evelyn and I were going great

962
00:57:28.020 --> 00:57:29.840
until Evelyn became obsessed with Phoebe.

963
00:57:30.520 --> 00:57:32.560
And I don't want to talk about-

964
00:57:32.560 --> 00:57:34.080
Wait, how did Evelyn know about Phoebe?

965
00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:36.980
I mean, the guys have been walking with this.

966
00:57:37.020 --> 00:57:37.720
So they know this journey.

967
00:57:37.860 --> 00:57:39.220
It's David and Pia's nodding.

968
00:57:39.460 --> 00:57:40.000
But-

969
00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:41.860
Did you tell her about Phoebe?

970
00:57:42.740 --> 00:57:44.720
No, so she figured it out

971
00:57:44.880 --> 00:57:46.700
because she wanted to know who referred me.

972
00:57:46.700 --> 00:57:48.780
And there's only five Canadian women in the program.

973
00:57:48.900 --> 00:57:51.860
So she, by trial of error, who did you know?

974
00:57:51.860 --> 00:57:52.960
Does she know Phoebe?

975
00:57:54.420 --> 00:57:56.960
She only knew her just because she likes to

976
00:57:56.960 --> 00:58:00.240
add all the Canadians in last year's single.

977
00:58:00.720 --> 00:58:02.940
And so they had been texting a little bit

978
00:58:02.940 --> 00:58:04.460
but not really knew each other at all.

979
00:58:04.640 --> 00:58:07.460
And then one time we were driving and she was like,

980
00:58:07.520 --> 00:58:09.040
and I said, oh, that's a really great church.

981
00:58:09.040 --> 00:58:09.960
Cause it was Phoebe's church.

982
00:58:10.120 --> 00:58:11.980
And I, she told me all about it.

983
00:58:12.040 --> 00:58:13.780
And so I just, and I, she says, oh, like,

984
00:58:13.860 --> 00:58:14.420
how do you know that?

985
00:58:14.440 --> 00:58:15.100
And I said, oh, a friend.

986
00:58:15.200 --> 00:58:18.600
And then it was like three hours of who do you know?

987
00:58:18.620 --> 00:58:20.020
And I said, oh, that's Phoebe's church.

988
00:58:20.020 --> 00:58:22.040
And that's the only time I ever brought up Phoebe.

989
00:58:22.200 --> 00:58:24.120
But then Phoebe would come up every single day.

990
00:58:24.660 --> 00:58:27.380
And then it all escalated when Evelyn was like,

991
00:58:27.420 --> 00:58:29.180
I need to tell Phoebe that you're mine.

992
00:58:30.140 --> 00:58:31.000
And you know, like.

993
00:58:31.060 --> 00:58:33.060
Oh, oh no, oh no.

994
00:58:33.060 --> 00:58:33.500
Yeah, yeah.

995
00:58:33.520 --> 00:58:35.540
And then I was really setting some boundaries

996
00:58:35.540 --> 00:58:37.620
and those boundaries just were getting walked all over.

997
00:58:37.880 --> 00:58:38.280
Yeah.

998
00:58:38.280 --> 00:58:40.660
And I just, and I just, in kindness and in truth,

999
00:58:41.680 --> 00:58:43.500
the Lord woke me up in the middle of the night

1000
00:58:44.020 --> 00:58:45.120
and he said, David,

1001
00:58:45.160 --> 00:58:46.760
you need to cancel your plans with Evelyn.

1002
00:58:47.280 --> 00:58:49.320
And he said, you know, this is for me because tomorrow

1003
00:58:49.320 --> 00:58:52.380
I'm going to give you a box of gold on Monday.

1004
00:58:52.440 --> 00:58:53.520
And I thought, oh, like,

1005
00:58:53.520 --> 00:58:55.760
maybe that means like words of affirmation, men's group.

1006
00:58:56.140 --> 00:58:58.260
No, I found an actual box filled with gold.

1007
00:58:58.980 --> 00:58:59.260
Shut up.

1008
00:58:59.720 --> 00:59:01.620
Yeah, I can grab it if you want to see it.

1009
00:59:02.080 --> 00:59:03.420
I believe you.

1010
00:59:03.840 --> 00:59:06.100
Yeah, but like my 24 karat gold, diamond rings,

1011
00:59:06.360 --> 00:59:07.120
sapphires, rubies.

1012
00:59:07.780 --> 00:59:08.160
So, Evelyn.

1013
00:59:10.240 --> 00:59:11.120
But then.

1014
00:59:11.220 --> 00:59:12.620
No, but that's obsessive.

1015
00:59:12.700 --> 00:59:14.240
I mean, here's the thing, you guys,

1016
00:59:14.440 --> 00:59:16.760
we're not supposed to do that in community.

1017
00:59:16.860 --> 00:59:18.700
We're not supposed to manipulate,

1018
00:59:18.700 --> 00:59:20.760
just because we know there are women in the community,

1019
00:59:20.940 --> 00:59:24.420
we're not supposed to manipulate that.

1020
00:59:25.260 --> 00:59:27.080
Yeah, so that didn't work out,

1021
00:59:27.100 --> 00:59:28.240
but I really tried to be kind

1022
00:59:28.760 --> 00:59:30.320
and leave her better than I found her.

1023
00:59:30.340 --> 00:59:31.660
I really was working on that.

1024
00:59:31.880 --> 00:59:33.000
And I learned a lot.

1025
00:59:33.100 --> 00:59:35.860
I was really happy when I was with her and, you know.

1026
00:59:36.240 --> 00:59:38.780
So are you still giving Phoebe any of your attention?

1027
00:59:38.780 --> 00:59:40.300
Cause she don't sound good either.

1028
00:59:41.680 --> 00:59:42.080
No.

1029
00:59:42.500 --> 00:59:44.780
So Phoebe, when I went back on dating apps,

1030
00:59:44.840 --> 00:59:47.580
I did hit like on Phoebe and then Phoebe texted me saying,

1031
00:59:47.580 --> 00:59:48.800
hey, why are you liking me?

1032
00:59:49.400 --> 00:59:51.640
And then that's why Phoebe then started texting me

1033
00:59:51.640 --> 00:59:54.120
and saying like, oh, like, why did you like me?

1034
00:59:54.280 --> 00:59:55.360
I told her why I liked her.

1035
00:59:55.820 --> 00:59:58.620
And then she said like, oh, well, I guess I'll see you.

1036
00:59:59.140 --> 00:59:59.980
And, you know, I said, oh, I'm looking for.

1037
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:00.600
or do we connect?

1038
01:00:00.940 --> 01:00:02.060
She says, oh, I'll see you in community.

1039
01:00:02.720 --> 01:00:04.920
And I was like, how do I respond to that?

1040
01:00:05.040 --> 01:00:07.460
I don't think you should respond at all.

1041
01:00:11.340 --> 01:00:14.280
No, no, she's already told you.

1042
01:00:16.420 --> 01:00:18.140
Well, see, I just feel like that's,

1043
01:00:18.320 --> 01:00:19.920
I mean, I'm just being a girl here for a minute.

1044
01:00:20.040 --> 01:00:23.640
If I told a guy, if a guy private messaged me,

1045
01:00:23.640 --> 01:00:25.760
like one of you guys private messaged me

1046
01:00:25.800 --> 01:00:28.940
and my answer back was, I'll see you in community,

1047
01:00:28.940 --> 01:00:30.940
that's me blowing you off.

1048
01:00:32.200 --> 01:00:32.200


1049
01:00:32.200 --> 01:00:35.240
That's not me trying to get one-on-one time with you.

1050
01:00:36.340 --> 01:00:36.700
Right.

1051
01:00:38.980 --> 01:00:42.020
But I think she, but let's face it,

1052
01:00:42.020 --> 01:00:43.820
Phoebe might like you liking her.

1053
01:00:45.160 --> 01:00:48.600
Yeah, and I felt a little used.

1054
01:00:48.700 --> 01:00:49.980
I don't wanna use that word, but I was like, oh, like.

1055
01:00:50.800 --> 01:00:50.800


1056
01:00:51.020 --> 01:00:53.200
You just wanted me to tell you what I liked about you,

1057
01:00:53.320 --> 01:00:55.280
why I liked you, and now you're like, no, see you later.

1058
01:00:55.620 --> 01:00:56.660
Not good enough. That's what I'm saying.

1059
01:00:56.660 --> 01:00:59.080
There was a little bit of an ego scratch there.

1060
01:01:01.240 --> 01:01:03.460
Yeah, like, oh, it's like, yeah.

1061
01:01:05.940 --> 01:01:06.380
No.

1062
01:01:07.900 --> 01:01:10.280
Mike, I'm praying for that for you too.

1063
01:01:12.400 --> 01:01:12.860
Yeah, I hate.

1064
01:01:12.860 --> 01:01:15.560
What happens a lot, the ego scratch thing.

1065
01:01:15.600 --> 01:01:17.640
I hate the ego scratch thing, dude,

1066
01:01:17.640 --> 01:01:18.940
that just drives me freaking batty.

1067
01:01:19.840 --> 01:01:23.520
I'm like, you know, it's like, oh, you just got all,

1068
01:01:23.660 --> 01:01:25.080
like, oh, look, you know, the flower,

1069
01:01:25.080 --> 01:01:27.840
like, your plumage is fluffed up, right?

1070
01:01:28.140 --> 01:01:30.120
It's like, oh, and that was all it was about?

1071
01:01:30.320 --> 01:01:31.300
All right, you know.

1072
01:01:31.620 --> 01:01:34.920
But that also shows you you're dodging a bullet.

1073
01:01:35.460 --> 01:01:36.280
Oh, yeah.

1074
01:01:36.640 --> 01:01:38.700
Like, I mean, I would much prefer

1075
01:01:38.960 --> 01:01:42.960
that it happens early than late,

1076
01:01:42.960 --> 01:01:45.740
than after, like, you actually get attached, right?

1077
01:01:45.860 --> 01:01:47.340
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

1078
01:01:47.340 --> 01:01:48.540
Which, for me, is like 30 seconds,

1079
01:01:48.580 --> 01:01:49.720
but, you know, like, that's okay.

1080
01:01:50.580 --> 01:01:52.920
I mean, A, that's a bummer with Evelyn

1081
01:01:52.920 --> 01:01:57.520
because she let her own insecurities ruin a good thing.

1082
01:01:59.720 --> 01:02:02.140
But was Evelyn also the one that was kind of complaining

1083
01:02:02.580 --> 01:02:04.980
that with your whole, like, it's costing you

1084
01:02:04.980 --> 01:02:06.440
a lot of money to go back and forth?

1085
01:02:06.580 --> 01:02:07.500
Was that the same person?

1086
01:02:08.040 --> 01:02:09.740
Yeah, so Evelyn was also like,

1087
01:02:09.780 --> 01:02:12.120
I want you to be the man and pay for everything, so.

1088
01:02:12.300 --> 01:02:15.440
Right, and then she told me, like, well, you know, like,

1089
01:02:15.480 --> 01:02:18.760
oh, like, I, she's like, oh, you should've told me.

1090
01:02:18.760 --> 01:02:20.660
I have, like, $150,000 saved.

1091
01:02:21.320 --> 01:02:23.520
And I was like, oh, well, like, anyways,

1092
01:02:23.520 --> 01:02:25.560
it was like the whole thing of, like, I don't know.

1093
01:02:25.580 --> 01:02:27.060
There was a lot of different dynamics there,

1094
01:02:27.200 --> 01:02:30.080
and I just tried to leave her better than I found her.

1095
01:02:31.060 --> 01:02:33.480
And, yeah, but with Phoebe, like, I've written,

1096
01:02:33.720 --> 01:02:36.400
I haven't sent it yet because the Lord told me to wait.

1097
01:02:36.700 --> 01:02:38.160
And I was like, I need to wait on this.

1098
01:02:38.160 --> 01:02:40.720
But I was gonna say, like, hey, like, you know, like,

1099
01:02:40.980 --> 01:02:42.900
you know, like, YLS has been great.

1100
01:02:43.020 --> 01:02:44.580
David Dorman's mentorship has been great.

1101
01:02:45.140 --> 01:02:47.320
But I'm thinking now maybe I shouldn't even send

1102
01:02:47.320 --> 01:02:48.800
that text at all and just leave it.

1103
01:02:50.920 --> 01:02:54.340
I think she actually wants to dangle you a little bit.

1104
01:02:54.660 --> 01:02:57.020
I think she wants you to reply.

1105
01:02:58.380 --> 01:03:00.900
And I promise you, mark my words,

1106
01:03:01.140 --> 01:03:04.920
you're not gonna reply, and I give it 30 days.

1107
01:03:05.380 --> 01:03:06.840
She will reach back out to you.

1108
01:03:06.840 --> 01:03:09.160
She will find another way to connect with,

1109
01:03:09.460 --> 01:03:11.460
if she still needs that ego boost,

1110
01:03:11.820 --> 01:03:14.080
she, now, if something else distracts her, she won't.

1111
01:03:14.560 --> 01:03:16.240
But if she still needs an ego boost,

1112
01:03:16.320 --> 01:03:18.080
she'll find a reason to reach out to you.

1113
01:03:18.720 --> 01:03:19.640
Uh-huh.

1114
01:03:20.140 --> 01:03:22.780
Yeah, and I just wanna talk about that whole thing.

1115
01:03:23.100 --> 01:03:25.700
Like, you know, I don't have a problem paying for it.

1116
01:03:25.880 --> 01:03:28.300
Like, honestly, I prefer, like, taking care of it.

1117
01:03:28.380 --> 01:03:29.960
Like, you know, I mean, that's, like, my preference.

1118
01:03:30.780 --> 01:03:35.280
But not as a gun to my head or, like.

1119
01:03:35.560 --> 01:03:36.020
Exactly.

1120
01:03:37.060 --> 01:03:39.940
Like, I want a partner, not somebody who's, like, you know.

1121
01:03:41.580 --> 01:03:44.060
Anyways, so, like, so I think, I just wanted to,

1122
01:03:44.280 --> 01:03:46.300
like, you guys, like, partnership's great.

1123
01:03:46.300 --> 01:03:47.980
You know, and then, and, like, David,

1124
01:03:48.020 --> 01:03:49.660
I love that you're, like, hey.

1125
01:03:49.680 --> 01:03:50.760
Have a seat, come here.

1126
01:03:51.260 --> 01:03:52.060
Oh, hello.

1127
01:03:52.640 --> 01:03:53.040
Hello.

1128
01:03:53.900 --> 01:03:54.500
Hey, Brian.

1129
01:03:55.020 --> 01:03:56.360
Okay, he's coming back.

1130
01:03:56.840 --> 01:03:58.120
I told him to come out,

1131
01:03:58.140 --> 01:03:59.820
because I wanted to ask him a question

1132
01:04:00.080 --> 01:04:04.320
for you guys to get his perspective on something.

1133
01:04:04.360 --> 01:04:05.960
Nothing like putting you on the spot.

1134
01:04:06.080 --> 01:04:08.020
Nothing like putting you on the spot.

1135
01:04:08.180 --> 01:04:10.640
Have you guys met Brian yet?

1136
01:04:11.440 --> 01:04:12.220
How's it going?

1137
01:04:12.920 --> 01:04:14.200
You introduced us once,

1138
01:04:14.200 --> 01:04:15.340
and I told him he was good looking,

1139
01:04:15.340 --> 01:04:16.820
and then his face went so blush.

1140
01:04:16.940 --> 01:04:18.340
That's right, that's right.

1141
01:04:18.340 --> 01:04:21.040
Okay, so one of the things that we were talking about,

1142
01:04:21.100 --> 01:04:22.300
we're talking about a number of things,

1143
01:04:22.780 --> 01:04:25.800
but one is, you know that 50-50?

1144
01:04:26.720 --> 01:04:27.580
Yes, yes.

1145
01:04:28.860 --> 01:04:31.180
They were saying that sometimes

1146
01:04:31.880 --> 01:04:34.000
that they're getting flack from women

1147
01:04:34.200 --> 01:04:36.860
who don't let them show up with less.

1148
01:04:37.420 --> 01:04:40.180
And then Mike brought up a really good story

1149
01:04:40.180 --> 01:04:41.640
of a man, he was counseling,

1150
01:04:42.500 --> 01:04:44.420
and he lost his job,

1151
01:04:44.520 --> 01:04:46.280
and he didn't want to go home and tell the wife,

1152
01:04:46.360 --> 01:04:49.120
because it was like, I was going to let her down,

1153
01:04:49.120 --> 01:04:51.720
and I was telling them about how,

1154
01:04:52.400 --> 01:04:53.840
you know, what happened at Galen.

1155
01:04:55.020 --> 01:04:58.740
And so how did I, like were you,

1156
01:04:58.920 --> 01:04:59.980
because we'd only been dating.

1157
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.880
not even a month. Were you at all afraid to tell me, were you afraid that I was going to

1158
01:05:06.040 --> 01:05:09.980
feel like you wouldn't be able to, how did you know I was going to be a safe person?

1159
01:05:11.020 --> 01:05:12.780
That's such a loaded question.

1160
01:05:14.620 --> 01:05:18.480
I mean, it's just because it's how the relationship felt from the beginning,

1161
01:05:18.660 --> 01:05:28.960
in all honesty, right? So we were, well, I mean, we became best friends. And so then that's when

1162
01:05:28.960 --> 01:05:35.060
I felt like I could tell you anything. And the question after that was, is whatever your

1163
01:05:35.060 --> 01:05:41.620
response was. And there's always two opportunities for people. They can either respond or react.

1164
01:05:41.780 --> 01:05:47.400
And we don't want people to react because that's always negative. And being somebody that's in the

1165
01:05:47.400 --> 01:05:52.380
medical profession, let me just put it to you this way. If you were sick and you went to the doctor

1166
01:05:53.320 --> 01:05:56.980
and the doctor gave you medicine and said, come back and see me in a week.

1167
01:05:56.980 --> 01:06:02.440
And you came back in a week and then the doctor says, oh, well, you're reacting to the medicine.

1168
01:06:02.620 --> 01:06:08.500
What does that mean to you? We got to change course. We got to do something different.

1169
01:06:08.880 --> 01:06:14.340
So if the person is then going to react, then you've got to figure out where they're coming

1170
01:06:14.340 --> 01:06:21.800
from. And is this some sort of trigger that was going on prior to you being together?

1171
01:06:21.800 --> 01:06:27.280
Or do you just have that relationship and you have that trust in that relationship? Because

1172
01:06:27.280 --> 01:06:34.540
I'll be honest with y'all. I'm not an easy truster. My number one rule when I meet people

1173
01:06:34.540 --> 01:06:40.400
and talk to people is trust nobody. And then number rule number two is don't ever say anything

1174
01:06:40.400 --> 01:06:45.020
you don't ever want to hear again. And then rule number three is always referred to rule number

1175
01:06:45.020 --> 01:06:54.280
one. But anyway, so the key was is that I just felt so comfortable with Rene and that

1176
01:06:54.740 --> 01:07:00.060
she was my best friend and that I could tell her anything and that she would be supportive.

1177
01:07:00.680 --> 01:07:07.260
And she was. And so I really don't I don't know what I would have done if she would have responded

1178
01:07:07.620 --> 01:07:13.280
differently or if she would have reacted because, you know, that could have been a catalyst that

1179
01:07:13.280 --> 01:07:23.800
threw us into chaos because it was totally unexpected. Maybe not so much, but I'm one of

1180
01:07:23.800 --> 01:07:29.240
those where I like to speak my mind. You don't ask me a question that you don't want the truth to

1181
01:07:29.240 --> 01:07:37.360
because that's what I'm going to do. Right. And so my boss at the time had asked me a couple of

1182
01:07:37.360 --> 01:07:44.340
really hard questions and I gave her a couple of really hard answers that required her to do some

1183
01:07:44.360 --> 01:07:51.920
reflection and her reflection decided was it was time for me to go because she didn't want to hear

1184
01:07:51.920 --> 01:08:01.340
the truth. And so if you are. I guess let me say it this way. If you don't feel like that you could

1185
01:08:01.340 --> 01:08:06.480
tell them that. And they would be supportive, then you're with the wrong person.

1186
01:08:08.040 --> 01:08:15.580
I don't know how else to put that. I know that I have been I've prayed for

1187
01:08:17.080 --> 01:08:25.260
Rene for a very long time. I've been was single for six years and had, you know, my marriage

1188
01:08:25.819 --> 01:08:31.920
was not good. Even though I was married for 13 years, probably the last four or five,

1189
01:08:32.240 --> 01:08:39.560
even six years of my marriage was not good. And so I would I just continue to pray and pray and

1190
01:08:39.560 --> 01:08:46.340
pray. And when I got divorced and was released from that burden, I just prayed for and I wasn't.

1191
01:08:47.319 --> 01:08:55.040
This is where God has a sense of humor because I always said I just want somebody to a love me as

1192
01:08:55.040 --> 01:09:01.520
much as I love them and be helps my relationship with Christ grow. And this is what I got.

1193
01:09:04.020 --> 01:09:09.240
So I mean, but I saw that to say so some of what you were saying is because we were pretty early

1194
01:09:09.240 --> 01:09:18.800
in our relationship. And I how I reacted could have broke us really, because I could have been

1195
01:09:18.800 --> 01:09:24.500
like, Oh, my gosh, he's not gonna be able to provide for me. And I also could have done the

1196
01:09:24.500 --> 01:09:30.300
well, if she fired him, what does she see in him that I don't see? Right? Like, if she thinks he's

1197
01:09:30.380 --> 01:09:36.580
fireable, should I be breaking up with him? And so like, that's where I think Mike, to your point,

1198
01:09:36.779 --> 01:09:44.660
like with the whole ego thing, it's just like, I'm just I'm glad we talked about this, because I'm

1199
01:09:45.500 --> 01:09:52.460
sad that more women aren't supportive of y'all when you guys have a bad day. And honestly, even

1200
01:09:52.460 --> 01:09:57.100
what you just said about the reacting thing, David, that reminded me of how I feel like

1201
01:09:57.100 --> 01:09:59.140
Evelyn responded to the whole Phoebe gate.

1202
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:07.000
It's like she just very much reacted, like she had a lot of reaction, and that was probably

1203
01:10:07.000 --> 01:10:11.980
coming off of some other wound that had nothing to do with you, but you were the one left

1204
01:10:12.260 --> 01:10:15.620
trying to navigate that, for sure.

1205
01:10:16.660 --> 01:10:27.100
So there's a medical term that's called, oh gosh, it's a form of PTSD.

1206
01:10:27.100 --> 01:10:37.180
And so what happens is that something in your either childhood or growing up in previous

1207
01:10:37.260 --> 01:10:47.240
relationships causes, is a trigger to bring back those types of memories or that feeling

1208
01:10:47.240 --> 01:10:48.620
that you can get.

1209
01:10:48.620 --> 01:10:57.880
And so the goal is to have that communication with your partner to say, you know, you got

1210
01:10:57.880 --> 01:11:01.400
to talk about things, and this is where honesty is good.

1211
01:11:01.420 --> 01:11:04.040
And that's why that whole 50-50 thing is crazy.

1212
01:11:05.780 --> 01:11:10.820
Because you just come up and then, for example, I'm going to use that example.

1213
01:11:11.020 --> 01:11:17.220
One night we were talking, and I said something to her, and she goes, okay, this is now the

1214
01:11:17.480 --> 01:11:22.380
third time that you have brought this up, so you have to tell me what that means so

1215
01:11:22.380 --> 01:11:24.240
that I don't keep doing it.

1216
01:11:24.240 --> 01:11:29.480
So she felt comfortable enough to bring that up to me, and we were early on in our relationship

1217
01:11:29.480 --> 01:11:35.320
with just shows that we had developed that friendship and that we were able to have that

1218
01:11:35.320 --> 01:11:35.760
communication.

1219
01:11:35.760 --> 01:11:37.720
And I'm like, oh, that makes sense.

1220
01:11:37.780 --> 01:11:38.580
You know what?

1221
01:11:38.580 --> 01:11:39.180
You're right.

1222
01:11:39.360 --> 01:11:43.760
So I went ahead and we talked about it, and then she was like, oh, okay, great.

1223
01:11:43.760 --> 01:11:51.020
And so it's really, I can't say more than just it's all about communication.

1224
01:11:51.560 --> 01:11:52.840
It really is.

1225
01:11:54.500 --> 01:11:55.140
Yeah.

1226
01:11:56.220 --> 01:11:57.060
Good stuff.

1227
01:11:57.200 --> 01:11:57.660
Thank you, guys.

1228
01:11:57.740 --> 01:11:58.160
You're amazing.

1229
01:11:58.700 --> 01:11:59.020
Yeah.

1230
01:11:59.020 --> 01:12:00.120
Thank you, guys.

1231
01:12:00.160 --> 01:12:00.680
You bet.

1232
01:12:00.920 --> 01:12:01.520
I mean...

1233
01:12:01.520 --> 01:12:01.520


1234
01:12:01.940 --> 01:12:04.820
You know, we're both here to support you guys.

1235
01:12:05.280 --> 01:12:10.540
I just, I wanted him to come in because I was like trying to figure out, like, what

1236
01:12:10.540 --> 01:12:11.080
is it?

1237
01:12:11.440 --> 01:12:14.800
What did I say when he did lose his job?

1238
01:12:16.500 --> 01:12:18.240
Like, I'm, you know what?

1239
01:12:18.400 --> 01:12:19.000
You're right.

1240
01:12:19.180 --> 01:12:23.320
Like, I must have trusted him enough that I didn't overreact.

1241
01:12:23.720 --> 01:12:30.040
And I guess now that I'm hearing him say respond versus react, I probably responded to him,

1242
01:12:30.040 --> 01:12:33.540
and I probably didn't react because there was probably a part of me going, oh, shit,

1243
01:12:33.540 --> 01:12:34.460
I'm in school.

1244
01:12:34.540 --> 01:12:36.020
I don't have any money.

1245
01:12:36.040 --> 01:12:38.140
You need to be the one making the money.

1246
01:12:38.140 --> 01:12:42.460
And what if you get another job somewhere else that's even further away?

1247
01:12:42.680 --> 01:12:43.400
Like, you know what I mean?

1248
01:12:44.260 --> 01:12:49.560
And so, but that has to do with, that's why you guys doing the heart healing is so important

1249
01:12:49.560 --> 01:12:59.580
because if I was not in a healed heart space, and I was in a self-preservation space, then

1250
01:12:59.580 --> 01:13:06.060
him losing his job, kind of back to what we were saying, Mike, you were saying women feel

1251
01:13:06.060 --> 01:13:12.500
like they can't hear a man say, I'm having a bad day because we equate it with the relationships

1252
01:13:12.500 --> 01:13:13.620
not doing good.

1253
01:13:14.060 --> 01:13:18.120
And so, see, that's how fast my brain in an unhealed place could be like, oh, my gosh,

1254
01:13:18.320 --> 01:13:19.740
he's going to lose his job.

1255
01:13:19.840 --> 01:13:21.420
He's not going to be able to come see me.

1256
01:13:21.680 --> 01:13:22.660
I don't have any money.

1257
01:13:22.760 --> 01:13:24.200
How is he going to be able to come see me?

1258
01:13:24.200 --> 01:13:25.060
Like, you know what I'm saying?

1259
01:13:25.400 --> 01:13:30.400
Like, we spiral, and this is why doing heart work and having those conversations with each

1260
01:13:30.400 --> 01:13:31.520
other is so important.

1261
01:13:31.520 --> 01:13:36.100
And so, that's why, David, I don't want you playing with Phoebe, playing with your heart

1262
01:13:36.400 --> 01:13:37.460
at all.

1263
01:13:37.740 --> 01:13:40.880
And if Evelyn didn't trust you, then bye-bye, sister.

1264
01:13:41.740 --> 01:13:49.380
And Mike, that girl from church, if she doesn't want to agree to book time with you, like,

1265
01:13:49.380 --> 01:13:52.020
you all are amazing guys doing the hard stuff.

1266
01:13:52.100 --> 01:13:56.800
You're doing your heart work, and you need to be with women who are going to be your

1267
01:13:56.800 --> 01:13:57.080
champions.

1268
01:13:58.080 --> 01:13:58.640
100%.

1269
01:13:58.640 --> 01:14:01.320
I couldn't say that any better.

1270
01:14:02.200 --> 01:14:06.920
And I mean, really, in all honesty, that's like, that's the gist of it.

1271
01:14:06.980 --> 01:14:11.840
And I think you keep telling me that Jackie says this all the time.

1272
01:14:12.560 --> 01:14:14.060
It's a yes until it's a no.

1273
01:14:14.620 --> 01:14:17.760
But you got to have what those boundaries are.

1274
01:14:17.800 --> 01:14:23.540
You can't just keep passing up those nos, like, oh, you know, it'll get better, or no,

1275
01:14:23.580 --> 01:14:24.280
it'll get better.

1276
01:14:24.800 --> 01:14:27.120
Yes doesn't mean sitting with abusive behavior.

1277
01:14:27.260 --> 01:14:27.560
Correct.

1278
01:14:27.560 --> 01:14:29.160
Like, it's a yes until it's a no.

1279
01:14:29.340 --> 01:14:34.740
I have done that too loosely in the past, and I've tolerated bad behavior.

1280
01:14:35.540 --> 01:14:37.640
So it's a yes until it's a no.

1281
01:14:37.880 --> 01:14:41.480
It means give people a chance, but it doesn't mean get walked on.

1282
01:14:43.460 --> 01:14:43.980
100%.

1283
01:14:43.980 --> 01:14:44.740
It's in there, down there.

1284
01:14:44.740 --> 01:14:46.640
It was so fun talking to you guys tonight.

1285
01:14:47.160 --> 01:14:47.680
Yeah.

1286
01:14:47.680 --> 01:14:48.420
Always a blessing.

1287
01:14:48.620 --> 01:14:49.440
Happy for you guys.

1288
01:14:50.160 --> 01:14:50.700
Thank you.

1289
01:14:51.500 --> 01:14:52.540
Very congrats.

1290
01:14:52.840 --> 01:14:53.300
Yeah.

1291
01:14:53.300 --> 01:14:53.740
Congratulations.

1292
01:14:53.940 --> 01:14:54.440
Yeah.

1293
01:14:54.440 --> 01:14:57.060
I mean, we're certainly not perfect.

1294
01:14:58.340 --> 01:14:59.980
Last week, y'all, we live in.

1295
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:01.640
500 square feet of space.

1296
01:15:01.820 --> 01:15:05.120
And last week our communication skills were like.

1297
01:15:05.080 --> 01:15:08.060
Mud, capital M-U-D, mud.

1298
01:15:09.960 --> 01:15:11.180
But I love how you.

1299
01:15:11.320 --> 01:15:14.500
He kept going, he kept going, how did you not hear me?

1300
01:15:14.520 --> 01:15:16.100
You were sitting right next to me.

1301
01:15:16.100 --> 01:15:17.660
And I said, did I respond?

1302
01:15:17.880 --> 01:15:20.640
Cause if I didn't respond, I promise you, I did not.

1303
01:15:22.920 --> 01:15:25.200
It's selective hearing, selective hearing.

1304
01:15:25.500 --> 01:15:25.900
Yeah, yeah.

1305
01:15:25.900 --> 01:15:27.780
Yeah, that's exactly right.

1306
01:15:27.780 --> 01:15:31.960
I like, you know, but like, I just think it's, you know, I think you nailed it.

1307
01:15:31.960 --> 01:15:36.880
Like every, you know, like your word champion, every dude wants

1308
01:15:36.880 --> 01:15:38.680
to be his bride's champion.

1309
01:15:38.760 --> 01:15:39.280
Yeah.

1310
01:15:39.680 --> 01:15:40.200
Right.

1311
01:15:40.200 --> 01:15:44.300
And like, and we'll, and we'll go through fire and do anything.

1312
01:15:44.880 --> 01:15:45.040
A hundred percent.

1313
01:15:45.140 --> 01:15:47.280
Like, like, like a hundred percent, literally.

1314
01:15:47.620 --> 01:15:50.500
But man, if you lose that status, there's nothing more painful.

1315
01:15:50.800 --> 01:15:51.320
Yeah.

1316
01:15:51.460 --> 01:15:51.980
Yeah.

1317
01:15:51.980 --> 01:15:53.840
Well, I'm glad we talked about this.

1318
01:15:53.840 --> 01:15:57.640
Cause I really feel like this is a topic we need to revisit with the ladies.

1319
01:15:57.780 --> 01:16:03.200
Because I don't think some of them realize how their words can be knocking you guys

1320
01:16:03.200 --> 01:16:11.060
down off of that champion status and how, how some encouragement could really be

1321
01:16:11.060 --> 01:16:11.480
helpful.

1322
01:16:11.760 --> 01:16:17.040
Well, cause when you do your words, when they start breeding the seeds of contempt,

1323
01:16:17.040 --> 01:16:19.420
then your relationship is starting to end.

1324
01:16:19.420 --> 01:16:20.040
Yeah.

1325
01:16:20.160 --> 01:16:20.820
Yeah.

1326
01:16:20.820 --> 01:16:21.500
A hundred percent.

1327
01:16:22.840 --> 01:16:25.600
I, I have a bit of a question.

1328
01:16:25.600 --> 01:16:28.460
Like, so Jackie's been talking a lot, like, okay, now we're going to focus

1329
01:16:28.460 --> 01:16:33.080
on like community matchmaking, but like, it would be really good to have a session

1330
01:16:33.080 --> 01:16:36.060
or go over, like, how do we talk to each other in community?

1331
01:16:36.140 --> 01:16:39.560
Cause I've, I've not talked to a bunch of women in community and they're

1332
01:16:39.580 --> 01:16:42.000
constantly kind of trying to use the heartwork against me.

1333
01:16:42.060 --> 01:16:45.520
Like, it's like things like, Oh, like that's not what, what the heartwork

1334
01:16:45.520 --> 01:16:45.740
says.

1335
01:16:45.740 --> 01:16:47.440
And then I go back to the book and I watched the session.

1336
01:16:47.520 --> 01:16:49.060
I'm like, Jackie, you didn't say that at all.

1337
01:16:49.720 --> 01:16:50.340
Wait, wait.

1338
01:16:50.340 --> 01:16:51.380
So what are they saying?

1339
01:16:51.440 --> 01:16:52.560
Like, give me an example.

1340
01:16:56.040 --> 01:17:01.300
Uh, well, like, so for instance, like, so, uh, Evelyn said like, Oh, like,

1341
01:17:01.620 --> 01:17:03.680
you know, you need to share your past with me.

1342
01:17:03.800 --> 01:17:07.700
So she's like, in order to go forward, I have to know all your past.

1343
01:17:07.800 --> 01:17:11.080
And I said, no, I just said to her, I said, look, you know what I said?

1344
01:17:11.080 --> 01:17:14.680
I said, I'm looking forward and present to the goal, but I said, my past is mine.

1345
01:17:14.700 --> 01:17:18.020
And I said, okay, so he listened to the heart work too.

1346
01:17:18.020 --> 01:17:19.860
And I can tell you, that's not what she says.

1347
01:17:19.860 --> 01:17:27.140
She, she will say to you shares at especially at level two and level two,

1348
01:17:27.220 --> 01:17:31.500
you were not sharing the past level three, heading into marriage.

1349
01:17:31.600 --> 01:17:36.920
You are starting to share some of the past, but she has even admitted

1350
01:17:36.920 --> 01:17:39.060
that there are parts of her past.

1351
01:17:39.420 --> 01:17:41.800
Her and David had been married 17 years.

1352
01:17:41.800 --> 01:17:44.620
And she'll tell you that there are parts of her past.

1353
01:17:44.620 --> 01:17:51.060
David's just learning about, because he will, you know, and ask Brian,

1354
01:17:51.100 --> 01:17:54.540
I've said this to Brian, because there's a lot of my past, like Brian

1355
01:17:54.540 --> 01:17:56.420
hasn't asked for the details on.

1356
01:17:56.680 --> 01:18:00.680
And I just said, you know, Brian, I feel like I ask you more questions

1357
01:18:00.680 --> 01:18:01.460
than you ask me.

1358
01:18:01.500 --> 01:18:04.620
And I said, what if he goes like, I really don't need to know about your

1359
01:18:04.620 --> 01:18:07.440
past because it's your past and you've already learned those lessons.

1360
01:18:07.560 --> 01:18:11.460
And I said, well, what if I do a speaking engagement and I bring up to

1361
01:18:11.460 --> 01:18:15.800
connect to the audience and I bring up this thing I did 25 years ago.

1362
01:18:15.800 --> 01:18:17.720
And that's the first time you hear about it.

1363
01:18:17.720 --> 01:18:20.240
And he's like, well, that's the first time I'm going to hear about it.

1364
01:18:21.800 --> 01:18:24.240
So you don't owe her.

1365
01:18:24.520 --> 01:18:29.660
You are, you owe her some themes, things that you've learned, things

1366
01:18:29.660 --> 01:18:33.860
that you've grown in, but especially in level two, you guys, you

1367
01:18:33.860 --> 01:18:36.000
should not be vomiting the past.

1368
01:18:37.780 --> 01:18:39.400
Oh, sorry, Brian.

1369
01:18:39.460 --> 01:18:40.320
I wasn't trying to cut you off.

1370
01:18:40.340 --> 01:18:40.820
That's okay.

1371
01:18:40.820 --> 01:18:41.140
Go ahead.

1372
01:18:41.140 --> 01:18:42.940
You ask, this is your time.

1373
01:18:43.920 --> 01:18:45.120
Hey, I love hearing you.

1374
01:18:45.300 --> 01:18:45.900
Sorry, we're over time.

1375
01:18:46.180 --> 01:18:49.940
But, um, I think like the other thing too, with, with that one was that like,

1376
01:18:50.400 --> 01:18:53.760
so when it ended, she was like, oh, by the way, like I'm talking to Jackie

1377
01:18:53.760 --> 01:18:57.020
and Jackie knows, like, you know, I've been telling Jackie this whole thing.

1378
01:18:57.040 --> 01:18:58.360
And I just said, look, I'm God defended.

1379
01:18:59.400 --> 01:19:01.700
And, uh, you know, like God's my defender.

1380
01:19:01.700 --> 01:19:04.580
And I said, I'm really proud of how we've, we've, we've ended this.

1381
01:19:04.620 --> 01:19:05.320
And I said, you know what?

1382
01:19:05.420 --> 01:19:07.780
Like, I care about you as a human and as my sister in Christ.

1383
01:19:08.300 --> 01:19:10.360
But at the end of the day, God's my defense.

1384
01:19:10.360 --> 01:19:13.340
So I'm not worried about my actions or right.

1385
01:19:13.460 --> 01:19:16.180
And then, and then she got mad because Jackie agreed with me.

1386
01:19:16.200 --> 01:19:19.060
And she said, well, you and Jackie think this, but you're both wrong.

1387
01:19:19.060 --> 01:19:21.080
Because if my feelings were hurt, that's what matters.

1388
01:19:21.540 --> 01:19:24.660
And I said, girl, you've been in this program five years in my

1389
01:19:24.660 --> 01:19:25.860
head, but I didn't say that out loud.

1390
01:19:26.520 --> 01:19:29.600
I was like, this is the pot calling the kettle black.

1391
01:19:30.920 --> 01:19:31.680
You know what?

1392
01:19:31.760 --> 01:19:32.620
I mean, here's the thing.

1393
01:19:33.680 --> 01:19:39.740
We're we, none of us should be using this content to hurt people.

1394
01:19:40.460 --> 01:19:44.180
Like the heart work is meant to heal one another and

1395
01:19:44.180 --> 01:19:45.700
to show grace with one another.

1396
01:19:46.060 --> 01:19:48.720
It's not meant to be used as a weapon.

1397
01:19:48.880 --> 01:19:53.540
And so never let anybody use this content as a weapon against you.

1398
01:19:53.720 --> 01:19:55.660
I did realize that it is eight 24.

1399
01:19:55.780 --> 01:19:57.740
So we probably do need to go, but this was so much fun.

1400
01:19:57.740 --> 01:19:59.900
You guys, I, I, I get on it.

1401
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:00.960
Just once a month.

1402
01:20:01.140 --> 01:20:01.660
Go ahead.

1403
01:20:01.900 --> 01:20:05.720
Real quick, is that email better or the DM you on Facebook?

1404
01:20:06.660 --> 01:20:09.220
Because I guess my biggest questions about the women

1405
01:20:09.220 --> 01:20:11.540
that I'm interested in is I have no clue

1406
01:20:11.540 --> 01:20:15.540
what their actual age is and how strict they are on that,

1407
01:20:15.540 --> 01:20:16.580
if it's a huge gap.

1408
01:20:16.920 --> 01:20:17.460
That's all.

1409
01:20:17.540 --> 01:20:18.640
That's like the first number one question.

1410
01:20:18.660 --> 01:20:20.460
I see your, I got it.

1411
01:20:20.460 --> 01:20:21.520
I got your message.

1412
01:20:22.440 --> 01:20:22.440


1413
01:20:23.060 --> 01:20:23.420
Oh, yeah.

1414
01:20:23.500 --> 01:20:24.720
It's just a test message.

1415
01:20:24.780 --> 01:20:25.700
It was just a test message.

1416
01:20:26.040 --> 01:20:26.620
But is the email better?

1417
01:20:26.620 --> 01:20:29.460
Yeah, I just accepted it, so you can start messaging me now.

1418
01:20:29.460 --> 01:20:32.040
OK, so you'd rather have that than the J-Media,

1419
01:20:32.260 --> 01:20:33.560
or are they both OK?

1420
01:20:33.940 --> 01:20:37.500
Sure, just tell me who it is, and I'll message you back.

1421
01:20:38.580 --> 01:20:39.500
OK, yeah.

1422
01:20:39.500 --> 01:20:42.880
If they're like 29 or something, and I

1423
01:20:42.880 --> 01:20:45.260
have a hard time telling that, then obviously it's not good.

1424
01:20:45.260 --> 01:20:47.340
It's not good if I'm 51, you know?

1425
01:20:47.460 --> 01:20:48.960
I'm sorry, you said you're 51?

1426
01:20:49.680 --> 01:20:50.200
Yeah.

1427
01:20:50.200 --> 01:20:50.500
OK.

1428
01:20:51.940 --> 01:20:54.460
Yeah, the issue I'm running into is I want kids.

1429
01:20:54.920 --> 01:20:57.080
And in order to have that, hypothetically,

1430
01:20:57.080 --> 01:20:59.840
you know, ideally it's like 38, 39,

1431
01:20:59.940 --> 01:21:01.460
but that's kind of pushing it with a gap.

1432
01:21:01.940 --> 01:21:05.720
Yeah, I mean, she could be early 40s

1433
01:21:05.720 --> 01:21:07.600
and still be able to have babies.

1434
01:21:07.720 --> 01:21:09.520
There's a woman we met at church.

1435
01:21:09.760 --> 01:21:11.020
I said, what, she's 48?

1436
01:21:11.140 --> 01:21:13.740
She's like, she's still hoping to have real babies on her own.

1437
01:21:14.520 --> 01:21:17.460
So if she's ovulating, she can still get pregnant.

1438
01:21:18.680 --> 01:21:22.180
So we'll be praying for you on that, David, for sure.

1439
01:21:23.620 --> 01:21:25.420
I'd like to have someone close to my age,

1440
01:21:25.420 --> 01:21:28.420
but then I'm kind of risking that factor.

1441
01:21:29.220 --> 01:21:29.860
So, yeah.

1442
01:21:29.860 --> 01:21:32.920
I mean, low 40s would probably be good for you,

1443
01:21:32.940 --> 01:21:34.560
and she could still have some babies.

1444
01:21:35.540 --> 01:21:37.600
Yeah, David, will you pray us out?

1445
01:21:39.060 --> 01:21:40.380
Yeah, for sure.

1446
01:21:41.240 --> 01:21:45.280
Father God, thank you so much for these men in this chat.

1447
01:21:45.720 --> 01:21:48.320
And Father, and I just pray a special blessing

1448
01:21:48.540 --> 01:21:49.920
over Renee and Brian.

1449
01:21:50.020 --> 01:21:52.160
We pray over their home, that it would be a place of peace

1450
01:21:52.160 --> 01:21:54.520
and a refuge, that people, when they come in the door,

1451
01:21:54.520 --> 01:21:56.300
they would say, wow, we just feel peace.

1452
01:21:56.720 --> 01:21:57.800
And when they wake up in the morning,

1453
01:21:57.800 --> 01:21:58.880
they would feel peace, God.

1454
01:21:58.920 --> 01:22:00.440
And I just thank you that this is a union

1455
01:22:00.440 --> 01:22:03.240
that is God defended and God connected, God.

1456
01:22:03.360 --> 01:22:04.920
And so anyone that's coming against them,

1457
01:22:04.920 --> 01:22:07.620
we just say, no, this is a marriage that is protected.

1458
01:22:07.760 --> 01:22:10.200
And so, Lord, we just cover Renee tonight in peace.

1459
01:22:10.380 --> 01:22:11.240
We pray for her studies.

1460
01:22:11.400 --> 01:22:12.880
And Lord, we pray that when they eventually

1461
01:22:12.880 --> 01:22:14.300
have a honeymoon, that'll be great.

1462
01:22:14.520 --> 01:22:15.400
In Jesus' name, amen.

1463
01:22:16.920 --> 01:22:17.540
I love it.

1464
01:22:18.220 --> 01:22:19.100
So true.

1465
01:22:20.600 --> 01:22:22.000
Eventually, you're gonna get there.

1466
01:22:22.520 --> 01:22:22.740
Yeah.

1467
01:22:22.740 --> 01:22:24.800
Well, it's not gonna be Montego Bay,

1468
01:22:24.960 --> 01:22:26.860
because we've been officially told no go.

1469
01:22:27.620 --> 01:22:31.000
But we're going to one of their other resorts in Jamaica.

1470
01:22:32.360 --> 01:22:34.260
That's like, yeah, Dunn's River.

1471
01:22:34.740 --> 01:22:37.180
So we want to try to support the country.

1472
01:22:37.860 --> 01:22:39.480
And so we're still, you know, so we're going,

1473
01:22:39.760 --> 01:22:41.780
just taking a little detour to the right.

1474
01:22:42.220 --> 01:22:43.620
You guys, this was awesome.

1475
01:22:43.800 --> 01:22:47.020
I will see, well, I think Mike's leading next week,

1476
01:22:48.280 --> 01:22:50.680
but hopefully you'll see Brian more too.

1477
01:22:50.680 --> 01:22:53.480
He's going through some training over Christmas break.

1478
01:22:53.700 --> 01:22:56.860
And so hopefully you'll see us a bunch more in the new year.

1479
01:22:57.900 --> 01:22:58.880
Thanks for now.

1480
01:22:58.920 --> 01:22:59.460
See you guys.