All right, welcome to Ask Jackie, also known as Loveseats.
This is only for our VIP community, used to be called our Phase 3 community, but not everyone
comes to VIP community.
It's not necessarily a linear process, so it is now only called VIP community.
And so this is where I show up, I'm not really involved in Phase 1 or 2 of the program.
My videos are, and people see my teaching there, but this is where I show up to coach
you guys, where I let you ask me questions, and this is where that happens.
And so only where it happens.
And then of course, Supernatural Saturday is somewhere else that I show up.
So if you're new here to VIP community, welcome.
This is the Ask Jackie Loveseats portion, and there should be a tab in your resource
tab in your app that allows you to submit a question or submit your desire to be in
the loveseat during this session every month.
All right, this is a co-ed session, and it is a really good time.
All right, so without further ado, let me kind of look through the names here.
Got a light crowd tonight.
I'm sure it's because of the holidays, the time of year, everyone is really busy trying
to get a lot of stuff done, and I get it.
But Michelle is first up.
Michelle, are you here?
Michelle in Ohio, are you here?
Michelle Martin.
No?
Okay.
We will move on to the next person.
Kaylin, are you here?
Well, this is embarrassing.
Where is everybody at?
All right, Kaylin is not here either yet.
They could be late.
They could be coming.
All right, so that I believe...
Jane.
Jane, are you here?
Yep.
It's Jane.
Janie Harris?
Yes, Jane.
Okay.
That's me.
You submitted a question, right?
I did.
All right, wonderful.
All right, there she is.
Hi, Jane.
Welcome to the loveseat, and welcome to Ask Jackie.
Okay, let's go ahead.
I have your question here, but you go ahead and ask it so that everyone can hear it.
So, my question is in regards to long-distance dating relationships, and also I'm in the middle
of transition.
So, on some of the apps, I will put my current location, which is Hampton, Virginia, but
I always make it known that I am transitioning and going to be moving to the West Coast as
soon as I sell my house.
And so, sometimes I'll look for people on this side, on the East Coast, and then other
times on another app, it allows me to put in a search for the West Coast.
And so, it's been kind of difficult, but I always make it known, and then some people
were like, no, I'm definitely not doing no transition.
And so, I'm kind of looking for somebody who may be a little bit more open-minded, because
at this age, I'm 60 years old, and so at this age, I'm not opposed to relocating, right?
So, I'm going to Arizona for a business opportunity, but I can work virtually, right, and so I
can relocate anywhere else.
And so, then my question would be with the online, with the transition, I don't know
if this is a good time to even be starting to looking, but I have met a guy who, he is
in Ohio, no, Chicago, he's in Chicago, and we even talked about maybe the possibility
of having two homes, right?
We can have a, people do it all the time, they have a winter home, they have a summer
home, you know, if we, and Arizona is summer all the time here, so Chicago.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you were talking to the students in Chicago, and you guys were
already talking about where your homes were going to be?
So, no, we were talking about the possibility, because I tell people I'm relocating, they
were like, oh, okay, and so, yeah, we were talking about that possibility of, you know,
that's not out of the question.
Because most people just like shut it down.
Like, no, I'm not, I'm not going away.
I'm, I'm, you know, I'm in North Carolina.
I'm not going anywhere.
So that wouldn't work for me.
Right.
So I would want to know ahead of time.
Sure.
No, for sure.
But right now you still live where, where do you live right now?
Currently I'm in Hampton, Virginia.
Hampton, Virginia.
And when are you supposed to move to Arizona?
So I'm moving to Arizona as soon as my house sells.
It's been on the market now for about 30 days.
So as soon as it sells, probably I was looking towards the end of the year.
If it doesn't happen, you know, I don't have a timeframe that
I have to be over in Arizona.
Okay.
All right.
So it's kind of open-ended, right?
It's really open-ended.
And so, first of all, I want to really encourage you to, um, to focus on
connection with people and not logistics.
Right.
You have like, a lot of people will lead a conversation with
what they think the deal breaker is.
And friends, you can apply this to anything.
Okay.
We're, we're, we're applying it to her, you know, location or her living
situation right now, or her transition.
But a lot of times when we're getting to know someone, especially, you know,
over an app, we will lead with the thing that we think is going to be the deal
breaker.
And the reason why we do that is because we don't want to waste our time.
We don't want to waste anybody else's time.
I get that.
But what we really need to lead with is do we even have a connection with this
person?
Do we even like them?
Cause let me tell you something.
When someone likes you, when we allow someone to get to know us and they like
us, they'd be willing to overcome a lot of stuff in order to be in relationship
with us, possibly long distance, possibly transition, possibly your bad child.
That you think everyone needs to know about in the first three conversations,
because you're like, well, no, one's going to sign up for this circus.
So I better let them know that I have a kid that, you know, is unruly and
disrespectful and crazy teen, whatever.
No, that's not what you do because people will have grace for a lot of things
about us and about our lives right now.
Currently, if we allow people to get to know us now, if you're extending your
app to some place that you don't live and you know, because the app allows you
to search in a huge place.
And so if you're, if you're talking to people in Arizona and you haven't moved
there yet, then you simply to say to them, Hey, I'm relocating when my house
sells, I'm coming in town for a job.
I'm not, I'm not there yet.
I'm not there yet, but that is the plan to relocate.
And then if you're talking to people where you live now, there's not, it's not
necessary to say, well, I could be moving any day now, unless there's a connection
that warrants that information.
Do you get me?
Like, if you have a connection, you guys feel like you're really, really
vibing and this, this could like really have potential.
That's when you're like, Hey, I just want to let you know that I was considering
moving to Arizona because maybe you won't, like you just said, you can live
from, you can work from anywhere.
So, you know, maybe you don't leave Hampton if you find your spirit mate there
and they can't leave there right now.
I mean, anything is possible right now.
What I really love more about your story right now is that
the world's kind of your oyster.
I hope you feel that way.
Cause I feel that way about you feel like, wow, I'm 60 years old, but
you know, I'm not retiring.
I'm refiring the world is my oyster oyster.
I'm on an adventure.
I'm on adventure with Jesus right now.
How exciting, how fun.
And what you need is you need to lead with that because you need to attract
someone who also wants this, you know, the third of their life, this last third
of their life to be like the best third, right?
Last third, best third.
That's what you're really looking for.
Looking for someone who is not stuck in their ways.
Someone who wants to do something out of the box.
That's really what you want to do.
So yeah, don't lie to someone about the situation that you're in, but also you
need to spend the time that you're talking to someone, especially those
first couple conversations, not on logistics, but on connection.
Do I like you?
Do you like me?
Do we have anything in common?
What are you excited about in life right now?
And that is that, that is, that's my advice about that.
And then I wrote some other things down here for you.
Um, I think that, okay.
So I said, I wrote down, stay open, stay open.
And if I were you, I would say something because not everyone
needs to know your business.
And so if I were you at the very beginning I have here, um, you know, let
them know that you're exploring new opportunities and you're exploring new
That you're not rooted that you can, like you said to the Chicago guy, like I can go
anywhere.
You know, I had my eyes kind of looking, I live in Virginia, but I had my eyes looking
at Arizona.
I think Virginia has some winter still, but Arizona, not so much.
So you're dating with intention, but also really flexible.
That's really, that makes you very attractive.
You're dating with intention, but you're also really flexible, right?
About what can happen next.
And then I already told you, focus on the connection.
I think that's really important.
And then, and then the other thing, and I already said this to you, is that, you know,
let what you're doing right now be part of your story.
Like what's exciting about you instead of like a deal breaker or a barrier to relationship.
Let it be an exciting part of relationship.
Like, Hey, I'm open to getting to know really anybody right now.
I'm being very intentional because I am, I'm very, I'm, I'm in flux right now.
I'm very fluid without making it sound unstable.
Like I have an opportunity to just be anywhere that I want to be sound good.
That does.
Cause cause that's what, that was my concern.
Is it, would it come off as I'm unstable?
Like I'm looking for some way to latch on to, and I don't want to be, a lot of people
are digital nomads.
A lot of people have, a lot of people have opportunities where they don't have to be
any specific zip code.
And so I would just lead with that.
I would just lead with that instead of talking about where you are, where you might actually
go.
You know, I wouldn't give, I wouldn't give any more information when my house sells some
of the Arizona, I would just keep it open.
And once again, let the connection lead what you say next to this person, not, you know,
not your situation.
Let the connection dictate what happens next.
Okay.
Cool.
Okay.
Cause otherwise, cause listen, if I don't know you, if I'm a guy, I don't know you and
in your age bracket, okay, the men that are in your age bracket, if I'm one of those guys
and I don't know you and you kind of cute and I'm, I'm enjoying kind of talking to you
and then you throw a wrench at me, like, Oh, Hey, I'm moving.
And it's nowhere near where I live.
Then I'm just like, I don't have enough of a connection or any kind of real, you know,
history with you enough to try to overcome that obstacle, which is like, well, bye, right?
Yeah.
Even people that meet on, meet on a vacation somewhere.
So you meet someone in Cabo and you're really vibing with them and then you got to go home
to your different cities.
It's like, well, the relationship's over, but it isn't over if one or the other person
is able to continue the relationship because they have the flexibility to continue the
relationship.
And right now you have a lot of flexibility.
And so definitely focus on that.
That's not instability.
That's flexibility.
And that's very different.
Okay.
Thanks for coming on love seats.
I hope that that helped you.
Thank you.
Do we have Michelle Martin?
You're welcome.
Welcome.
Yes, Michelle.
And you're here.
Okay.
Let me, let me scroll down and find you here.
There she is.
All right.
Michelle.
Hi Michelle.
Exciting.
All right.
I know you're where your question is.
I have it here, but you go ahead and tell everyone what your question is.
Yeah.
So, um, I've been dating someone since July.
Things have been going really well.
Um, I, he was not like my type.
I had some like initial, like, I don't know that kind of thing with him, but, um, he's
just been really great.
We have very similar, like values.
We kind of want the same things in life.
Um, we see each other a lot and we've started talking more about getting married and it
just felt it's, so it's been like four and a half months.
It felt like a natural conversation at the time because it was kind of like, we were
both thinking about it.
And so, and he's, he's like very ready.
Like I think he would propose like now, um, and I told him like last week that I wanted
to marry him and I meant it.
But like, I got hit with like a lot of unexpected anxiety, like in the days that followed and
feelings of like kind of picking the relationship apart and like backtracking of like, well,
it was like a lot of fear of missing red flags.
Is there something I'm not seeing?
Like just a lot of paranoia.
Um, I'm also in a health flare up, which causes really extreme anxiety.
So that's.
me, that's been a challenge that he and I've had to kind of like
work through together. Last night, I was just in a really
anxious place. And I like brought up something he'd said
like a month ago, that was like, not terrible. It was like maybe
a little bit of an off collar joke. And like, it was one of
the things that had started like obsessively going around around
in my mind of like, Oh, well, should we talk about this? Or do
we believe the same things about that? And I could tell it threw
him off a little bit because he wasn't expecting it. And he was
kind of just like, he got kind of quiet. And we ended up
talking through it. We had a great conversation. Like, I feel
like it was like a revealing healing, revealing for healing
moment for both of us. I felt great when I went to bed. But
still, when I woke up today, it was like, my mind was replaying
the conversation and like, Oh, like, did he respond immediately
the way I wanted to? I don't know, just a lot of like
anxious, kind of compulsive thoughts like that of, of, like,
just like fear based thinking about the relationship. I've
been having nightmares that we break up. I've like had not have
not felt this way the whole time we've dated. Until we started
actually putting talking about dates, talking about rings, like
talking about real things. It was just kind of like, I like I
was just surprised by how anxious I got. So that's
basically it.
Yeah, but it's, you know, it's par for the course. It's really
normal. You know, a lot of people call this cold feet. You
know, that's what you know, that's how people describe it as
things get really, really serious. And, and it looks like
there's marriage, you know, a long term commitment on the
horizon. This is where people start to this kind of stuff
starts to surface. It's important for all of you guys to
know that it's not that this stuff is coming out of nowhere.
Okay, it's coming out of somewhere. There's a difference
between those two things. It's not coming out of nowhere. It's
like, wait, what, where did this come from? Everything was really
great. And then all of a sudden, I feel this way. Because it's
coming up from in here, something in here is getting
triggered. It's not coming from out here. It's coming from in
here. And so first of all, the very thing that we need to ask
ourselves, and I wrote this down for you just now, as you were
talking, is I really sense from what you're saying, and
everything that you wrote about him, everything that's good
about the relationship good about him. I feel like it's less
about he's not the one and more because of the long health
battle that you've been in for so many years. It's more, am I
the one? You know, it's it's more Can I be the one? Can I
sustain relationship at this level? You know, because for
most of your relationship, it's not that you've been your your
best self physically, but you've been doing pretty good. And you
know, you've definitely done way worse in the past with different
things that you've dealt with with Lyme and autoimmune and
different things. And so like you said, I'm in a flare right
now. And so I really believe that that has to do with this.
Yeah, it's kind of chicken and egg is the stress of intimacy
causing flares flare causing stress, you know, so it's like,
you know, it's that whole different. It's that whole
thing. And I feel like having and I had to have these very
honest conversations with David when I met him because I also
was sick, you know that not with Lyme, but all but with
Epstein-Barr and with which is called chronic fatigue. For
those of you that don't know what that is, with adrenal, my
adrenals were fried. So I had extreme adrenal exhaustion from
panic disorder, was dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder.
And so I, you know, I needed him to know that even though he was
kind of seeing me on an upswing, I somehow needed him to
understand what it would look like if I was like the worst of
myself. Because I wasn't the worst of myself at the moment,
like I was enjoying falling in love and being in love. And you
know, and I definitely felt some of what you're feeling like, do
I even like him, you know, like just kind of picking things
apart and becoming very scrutinizing. Yeah, which
happens when when we're afraid, that's a fear response of let me
find something wrong with this, so I can give myself permission
to leave it. But really, what I was mostly afraid of is that I
was going to be what I knew I was capable of being as far as
the worst of myself, like that was going to like rear its ugly
head, and that this person wasn't going to be able to
handle it, because they didn't know that version of me, they
weren't going to be able to love me. And that, you know,
that they would leave. Yeah.
Yeah, it's really, it's really hard to share those. Like,
because it does bring really intense mental health struggles
when I get sick, when I'm in a flare up, and a lot of it's
very chemical, and there's not a lot I could do about it. Do you
feel like it would be wisdom to just say, like, if I'm feeling
that way, and I'm feeling even, sometimes I feel like the enemy
attacks
my mind more too. And I feel like that, like, if I'm feeling
this compulsion to like, bring something up or talk to him
about something, would it be wise just to like, wait and say,
like, I'm gonna wait until I'm not feeling like this and make
sure that I'm not just doing this out of anxiety. Because I
kind of felt like that's what I was doing.
You guys are far enough into this relationship now that you
guys are talking about getting married, talking about rings,
talking about dates, he's got to be able to show up. Even with
the worst of you. He's got to be able to, you know, we always try
to obviously show people the best of us in relationship. But
when relationship progresses to this point, and we do have some
life controlling problems, like like she said, that are out of
our control, we have some situations where we haven't been
healed yet, we haven't been delivered yet. We're believing
for those things, but those things have not happened. We
have, you know, for some of you, it might be you have a
really crazy family that you know, you have to be involved
with because you take care of a parent who has a mental health
issue or a sibling or whatever that is. It's like we almost
have to put those skeletons on parade at this point in the
relationship. Because if they can't handle the worst of us,
then as the saying goes, they don't deserve the best of us.
Like they're not the right person. If they cannot handle
like, you know, our darkness, and they only want our light.
And so I think that really just being honest with him at this
point, about the things that you experience. I think that's
really important. Okay. I was really honest with David about
what I was experiencing and what my fears were. And he showed up
in that space with me. And he continued to show up in that
space with me, because I was really, really sick. After we
got married, I was on I was I was doing well. But then after
we got married, I went through some really stressful things
that really kicked that back in. And David was right there with
me, he was exhausted, he didn't understand, but he was right
there with me through that. Like if I was up all night, because I
wasn't well, he was up all night. And that is the kind of
partner that you have to have in your life, ladies and
gentlemen, if you have something in your life that is
not ideal, but it's just your story right now. It's part of
your story right now. You know, so let them in. Yeah, I don't
think I read everything you wrote. And I just want to tell
you, I feel like it's not time to let him go. I feel like it's
time to let him in deeper. Yeah. So father, we just pray for your
daughter right now, Lord, whatever's causing this flare,
we just ask that her body would come into alignment with the
finished work of the cross, physically, mentally,
emotionally, Lord, we just declare Shalom, Shalom, over
every cell over every thought. And we ask God that you would
put your supernatural strength in her in this weakness, father
and raise her up. In Jesus name. Amen.
Man, thank you.
We're here. We're here with you, girl, you can show up in between
the smiles. And we all got stuff.
Thank you.
Although you got a great smile, though.
All right. So can I see the hands of people where you have
something that you know, is just true right now in your life that
you wish it wasn't? It's you know, it's fact right now, I
should say the truth is, is that you're healed, you're delivered,
you're set free, whatever it is, but you have something going on
right now, that it would be really difficult for you to, you
know, let someone into a deeper place of vulnerability with that
thing, or to even believe that you're worthy of being chosen or
loved at this place in your life, because of whatever that
is. And we see the hands of people that really feel, you
know, maybe you're really struck a debt doesn't have to be a
physical situation or a mental health situation. It could be
you made some mistakes, you're struggling with debt. Now, you
went through a bad divorce or bankruptcy or something, and
you're embarrassed because your credit score is really low, or
maybe you don't have a car, something that you're just
embarrassed. Maybe you're embarrassed about the state of
your shared parenting agreement. Maybe your former spouse is
really not well, mentally. And you would hate to share the
details of that with anyone because who would want to sign
up for that. Or perhaps it's your children that are really
struggling. Maybe you have adult children that are struggling
with addiction, that are struggling with mental health
issues. And you don't feel like anyone would want to partner
with you. So just like I told Jane at the beginning, these are
not things you lead within relationship, you allow someone
to fall in love with you, before you start telling them all the
reasons why they shouldn't fall in love with you.
I was guilty of that.
I tried to lay it out to David.
Hey, these are all the reasons
why you shouldn't fall in love with me.
These are all the reasons
why you shouldn't want to be with me.
I did that on our first date.
I know I tell you guys not to do this,
but we were friends and neighbors,
and we had been friends and neighbors for over four months
before our very first date happened,
before we admitted that we had feelings
beyond friendship for each other.
And I remember showing up to that coffee shop,
and I did not drink coffee,
to tell him all the reasons
why he should not be asking me out on a date,
all the reasons why he should not want
to be romantically entangled with me.
And he wouldn't allow me to say those things.
He had gotten to know me as a person
and as his neighbor and as his friend,
and he liked what he knew about me.
And so we have to allow people to get to know us
before we start telling them all the reasons
why they shouldn't want to know us.
Very, very important.
And so, but in Michelle's case,
it's very different because these people have,
he does know her, he knows as far as he can
what she's dealing with in her body.
And the reason why I say as far as he can,
you never really understand
what someone else is going through
if you haven't experienced it yourself.
You want to have empathy.
And that's why the Bible says that we should weep
with those that weep and rejoice with those that rejoice.
Yes, we don't know what it's like to be in their shoes,
but supernaturally, we can be given empathy,
supernatural empathy to be able to partner with them
and support them even though we don't know
what it's like to be them.
I hope that makes sense to everybody.
Having a special needs child, that's another thing.
If you have a child that is not going to,
without a miracle, ever be independent of you,
then that is not something that you have to lead
on the first couple conversations with.
It's not something that you need to lay out to somebody
what it looks like to be you and live your life.
You need to let them get to know you first.
They're not marrying your situation.
They would be marrying you.
And they can overcome a lot of your situation
if they love you.
And so that's not something that you need to let people know.
Oh, hey, I never get a break.
There's no respite.
I talked to a woman today that has a special needs son
and it's been a long time since she's had respite.
And for those of you that don't know,
special needs parents usually do not get a break
if they don't have family,
if they don't have a partner that can help
and you guys can take turns.
Single parents of special needs children
are some of the most exhausted, frazzled,
stressed out, overworked, overwhelmed people on the planet.
And so if you ever want to serve in any capacity,
think about volunteering for an organization
that gives these amazing parents respite,
which means a night away from their child,
a day, a shopping trip, a weekend,
stepping in and being trained in what it takes
to take care of a special needs child.
So that being said, you don't have to start out with,
hey, I don't get a break.
I don't get any respite.
I just want to let you know,
if you sign up to be with me, then this is a prison.
You're going to join me in prison.
And if that's the way that you feel about your life,
we need to get a different perspective
because I believe that God has help for you.
I do, I believe that God has help, helpers for you.
He has people he wants to bring alongside you to help you.
You need to start asking for help.
You need to start looking for help.
I remember very clearly, I might have a picture of her.
One of our guys that got married in this community,
he wanted to date his trainer
and he was really kind of like puppy love with his trainer,
very infatuated with his trainer at the gym,
the person that trains him at the gym.
And he wasn't sure if she was a believer or not.
He just really wanted to ask her on a date.
And I was like, bro, shoot your shot.
Go ahead, do it.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
You know, go ahead.
So he did, and she said yes,
and they ended up having a series of dates
and he was just smitten.
He was a smitten kitten with her.
And very soon after they started dating,
he already knew that she had a special needs son,
a son that without a miracle
is not going to live independently from her.
And he's older, he's 18, 19 years old.
And he didn't care about that.
He's the kind of guy that wouldn't care about that,
but she could not understand that.
She was not able to receive that type of affirmation
or that, you know, he was very marriage-minded
and she didn't want to date him anymore
because he was marriage-minded.
And this was her mindset.
I do not want to make anyone else
live the life that I have to live.
I don't want anyone to join me in prison.
And the reason why I know this is because she actually became my
trainer.
So this is, these are local people.
And I ended up starting to work out at that gym as well and hiring her
to be my trainer.
And so when she stopped seeing him very short relationship,
just a few, just a few dates.
But that was the reason why is she knew he wanted to get married
someday.
And I'm not going to marry.
And she never wanted to marry. She said to me, I'm never going to marry.
I'm not going to marry.
She got divorced a few years after her son was born.
Because the.
The diagnosis of her son actually, you know, destroyed the marriage.
Like that happens a lot.
With children that are ill or children that have special needs,
the stress of it actually caused the marriage to disintegrate.
And so she wasn't ever going to get remarried.
And I was like, you're amazing. You're going to get remarried.
And I was just so little seeds of, you know,
there are people out there that wouldn't see it as a prison to marry
you.
They would see it as a privilege to marry you.
And just little things here and there and here and there.
And I'm so happy to tell you that she is happily married.
She is married to an amazing man. He's got two sons of his own.
And, you know, her son loves his brother.
And he's so patient and kind with her son and he does not see it as,
you know, any kind of.
Problem or something he has to deal with because he wants to be with
her.
Sees it as an honor to be her husband and to be her son's bonus dad.
And you guys, come on.
I mean, there's so many people out there.
There are people out there.
So whatever your situation is that makes you.
Makes you feel like you're unlovable.
You lie into yourself.
You are.
And no one else is going to be able to break that lie.
You have to break it first so that you can attract the truth.
You have to come out of agreement with that lie before the truth is
And the truth is going to be shown to you.
Cool. All right.
Long story there, jumped in, wanted to tell you, Caitlin, are you here?
I see you.
I'm going to put you on the screen with me.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
Make sure your video is on and I'm gonna.
Okay.
My video is on.
I I'm looking for you. Oh, there you are. Okay.
Hi.
All right.
I have your question here.
Tell me what you have.
I mean, tell everyone what you, what you have,
what you were going to ask me.
Yes.
I need to ask you if my situation with this guy is toxic.
Or if it turned toxic suddenly.
I started seeing this guy.
We went on three dates.
And I noticed that during our dates, he would talk a lot.
And he wouldn't necessarily affirm me or ask follow-up questions.
And then.
I didn't really say much about it.
And I decided to not see him again, but a lot of people, my community,
including this community were like, give him a chance, bring it up to him.
So.
I reconnected with him, brought it up and he made a better effort at
asking me questions.
I think we went on two dates after that in which I felt like, oh,
he's very attentive and whatnot.
And I think recently he asked me let's go on a road trip or let's go on
a Saturday upstate New York road trip.
And I decided that I didn't feel comfortable. Like something felt like,
okay, let's, can we wait a while?
Can we wait a couple of months before we do that?
I think a part of me felt like if he goes back to being the guy who
talks a lot about himself.
Girl, you're going to be captive audience in that car.
I know. Right. I know.
Even though we had two.
Even though we had two good dates, sometimes in our phone conversation,
he would spend like 90 or 95% of the time talking about like his
perspective and his thoughts straight through.
And I was just kind of being gracious.
And I think recently we had a date on Sunday.
I asked him to come to my part of New York, which is very Asian.
I wanted to see like some part of my culture to see how he would feel
about that.
And when we sat down to eat dessert, he,
he told me that he didn't know how he feel about dating me because he
likes like traveling and he likes going to museums. And I just said to him,
like, I'm not really interested in going to museums, but like,
I would never go, I wouldn't say I would never go,
but I'm just not super interested. And he said, well,
these things are really a big part.
part of my identity. And if you don't like those things, then
maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.
And I was like, okay, and I just said to him, you know, if that's
how you feel, I can hear that. And, you know, um, I think I
just what is he an archaeologist? Is he Indiana
Jones? I mean, why is he got to go to museums all the time?
He's, he's, he's a really creative talking about, like
every day, like, like what once a month, twice a month? Like
what? How often are we going to a museum?
I think he just really wants to be with somebody. That's how I
feel too. Like once you go to a museum, you can't like, I don't
I wouldn't want to go back for another few years. After I go
once. And what's really interesting that I started
talking to him about, like how I felt like we were going
somewhere. And then all of a sudden, he grabs my hand, and
he just gets really interested in me. And he starts like
kissing me. And then at one point in time, he says to me,
like, like, right now, you know, if you if you ever want to like
climb on top of me, and you could just do whatever you want.
I'm like, what is going on with this guy?
Okay, so first of all, he grabs your hands started kissing you.
Like, did you want to be kissed?
We were holding hands for a while. I think. Later on, we had
a conversation on the phone about what happened and how he
suddenly went from wanting to not see me anymore to like,
being interested all of a sudden. And then he, he was
actually also getting sexually aroused to like, like he was
trying to hide it. And on our phone conversation, his
personality change. It's like, he started yelling at me like, I
wanted you to fight for us. I wanted you to say why we should
be together. And you started telling me, can you remind me
again, how many dates you've had with this person?
We probably had about maybe, like seven in person dates, but
we spent like a lot of time talking on the phone connecting
what you mean you spent a lot of time listening on the phone. On
the phone, we were mostly like 5050. I like we did pretty well.
Sometimes.
Mm hmm. What, what, first of all, what you're what you're
describing is very anxious attachment type of stuff. And,
yeah, it's really unhealthy. Did you say this guy was a
believer? Yep. Like a believer, like a practicing believer, he
has, he has faith. And he also has a relationship with God.
Yep.
Well,
the whole anytime you want to climb on top of me comment is,
is not is is not chivalrous, first of all, and definitely not
a man who is has self control. So yeah, I think that so you're
asking me if I see red flags in this. Yeah, I do. I see a lot of
red flags in it. Let me ask you a question. What are you
attracted to about this guy? Oh, that you're even just showing up
or even wanting to know if you should continue what what what
what's the draw? I think there's certain things about him that I
am attracted to like, like, I do think that he is serious about
his faith except for his one comment about me. Maybe there
are more of those to come if I should stay around. I know that
in our last conversation over the phone, he started to put me
down because I wanted to date slowly even though we're
spending five hours together. When you say down, but what
what? Give us a sample of what that Yeah, like, like you want
to date at the slow pace. It's not normal. There's like a
certain way that people date and you don't know that and you're
not following that everybody knows the way that you're
supposed to date. We had to wait to wait for you and do it on
your timing and it's so slow.
Look, you need to release this one back into the sea with
gratitude. Okay, with gratitude that he showed you really early
on sell a seven dates in what you're dealing with here. Okay.
Because the exhausting you with his words and pressuring you
with his words and belittling you with his words. That was gas
lighting, by the way, gas lighting one on one. That is
that's, that's more of that to come for sure. And it's gonna
get worse. So definitely thank God that your God defended and
that you saw what you need to see. You saw what you need to
see. Now, it sounds like you are attracted to him at some level.
And so the, the onus is on you to give a clean break and just
not talk to him anymore and not let him, you know, try to talk
you into another chance.
I think I'm done at this point, because he was furious. I think
I'm done. You said no, no, I let me explain. Let me explain what
I'm gonna say, because this is pretty important.
And I invited him to my neighborhood,
which was pretty Asian.
And after the date,
he was not happy that he came to my neighborhood.
He's not Asian, he's of a different race.
The fact that he ranted and was really upset
that we didn't go on his trip
and that he had to spend the evening in my neighborhood
of a different ethnicity,
like I cannot be in a relationship with a person
who cannot appreciate being in a neighborhood full of Asians.
Like, I just can't.
He didn't make a racist comment,
but like just how furious he was at being in this place
just kind of threw up some red flags.
Oh yeah.
All the flags.
Girl, you're in the middle of a fricking parade of flags.
Okay, so yes, definitely.
All of these things and that you're right,
that's just the icing on the cake,
but I need, I really need as your coach
to hear you not say, I think I'm done.
I really want to just hear you say it.
I'm done.
I'm actually officially done.
And what's really interesting is that
right before I went on the date with him on Sunday,
I said to the Lord, like, if this isn't something of you,
like let it be shown,
let the things that need to be shown be shown.
And if this is of you,
then let the things that need to be shown show that as well.
And God answered my prayer.
He certainly did.
Now, where do you live at?
New York City.
NYC.
Okay.
Write that down.
Okay.
A thousand percent.
Yes.
I'm so proud of you.
Yes.
You're choosing yourself here.
You need to.
Gentlemen and ladies, both.
I just want to let you know,
just let's go back to something that was a yellow flag
that she said.
Now, of course there's lots of red flags here.
So I'm not, don't hear what I'm not saying.
I'm not going back in her story to say, oh, well, you know,
maybe it's okay.
No, it's a hundred percent not okay.
She just said that she's done.
That's great.
But the very first thing that she mentioned about him,
the over-talking.
So many people do this.
So many men, especially no offense, guys.
There's a lot of ladies that over-talk as well.
I shouldn't say a lot.
There's some ladies that over-talk as well,
but there's a lot of men over-talkers.
One of the number one complaints I hear from women is
he talked the entire time.
I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
He didn't ask me any questions about myself.
I basically was his captive audience to hear what he thought
about everything in the world.
And even when I would say something back,
he wouldn't have a conversation with me.
He would just start talking again about whatever it was
that he wanted to talk about.
Gentlemen, this is not okay.
And this is, if you do this, this is why you're single.
It's a hundred percent why you're single.
I have a father-in-law that does this.
I love him.
He's David's dad.
I love him.
I really love him, okay?
Because I'm in family with him.
Now, if he was a stranger
and I was forced to try to get to know him,
I'd say, oh, he's a sweet little old man, but oof.
But I will tell you that I do not ride in the car with him.
I don't.
When my husband takes him to church with us,
he goes to church with us a few times a month.
Cause you know, when he feels like it, he's 85 years old.
I drive separately.
Because when I tell you he does not take a breath,
he does not take a breath.
And that might seem rude to you.
And you're like, well, Jackie, just make the sacrifice.
Well, I will at lunch after church, I'll make the sacrifice,
but I'm not going to be captive in a car for an hour
with someone talking a blue streak.
I just can't, I can't do it.
And so I just want to let you guys know
that talking at people and not talking to them,
it's not okay.
And it's quite possible that it is part
of being alone so much, living alone, being alone.
It could stem from not having enough friends
and not enough community.
And you like save up all your words
and then you use them.
But this is not something that is okay.
And if you do this on dates,
you're going to drive whoever it is that you're seeing
on that date away.
So ladies, you will do it if it's you doing it.
Men, you will definitely do it if it's you doing it.
Okay.
So let's get to the bottom of why you over-talk,
why you don't know how to have a conversation,
which is a two-way thing.
I talk, you answer, you tell me your thoughts,
and then I respond.
That's how a conversation works.
I ask you a question, you answer it.
You ask me a question, I answer it.
All right, I'm not, Caitlin, you obviously know,
but I'm just telling everybody
because this is really beautiful thing that you brought up
in this scenario with this man
that is true of a lot of people.
And so thank you for bringing that to us.
All right, so you're back on the market, full throttle,
not that you weren't, but you are.
And so I believe that this experience
is going to accelerate.
you. Do you believe that? I think so. I think it helped me see that when people cross major
boundaries, you really need to back off. I have a quick question for you. What's the
proper way to break it off? I haven't broken it off with him yet.
You have in the past kind of broached the subject like, well, it was, he was the one
that said, Hey, he's the one that brought up first. Hey, I don't think we're a match.
And of course he was like, museums are my identity. Okay. I've never heard that one
before, but he was the one that brought that up first. God bless him, Lord help your son.
But at the same time you can use his own words with, you know, with him, you can say, Hey,
I really appreciate the dates. Um, thanks for allowing me to get to know you and getting
to know me, but I don't think that we're a match. And so I, I don't want to go out anymore.
And then that's it. He doesn't get to break you. He doesn't get to show up and say whatever
he wants with this kind of person. Unfortunately, you're going to have to like, probably bless
them and block them. Cause I don't feel like he's going to let you have the last word.
Like texts. Oh yes. If you see him in person, he's just going to, who knows what he's capable
of. He's a very, um, what's it called? Unpredictable person. And so just with the, Oh, I don't
want to kiss you. No, I just, I think he's unpredictable. And I think that I, if I were
you, I mean, you're only seven dates in, it's not like you were engaged to be married. Just
go ahead and, and text him and say, Hey, I've been really thinking about this. And there
have been things that have happened, you know, on our dates that I just really don't feel
comfortable with.
I don't think we're right for each other. Like you said, already, we're not a match.
And so thank you for your time and getting to know you, but this is, you know, I don't
want to continue to see you. And then don't let him berate you. Don't let him come back.
Don't let him sweet talk you and try to get back in. And also don't let him try to, to
badger you and get back. I think was how we left our last conversation. He has a lot more
anger to share with me. Anger. No, don't allow it. Bless them and block them. Bless them.
Block, block, block. Okay. All right. Keep us posted. Please show up in the group and,
and post in there and tag me so that I can see it. Thank you. All right. Yes. I'm coming
to New York, by the way. I, I have a couple, you guys, I'm going back to Jersey early next
year, very early next year, right after the new year, sometime between winter and spring,
I will be in New York, New Jersey, and long Island. So if you live in those areas, please
watch jackiedorman.com the events page. We will be posting about those conferences, singles
gatherings that we will be doing there in those areas. Excited to see all of you guys.
You know that that's one of my favorite places to go. I love it. I love New York city and
now I love Jersey and I've never been to long Island. So that's going to be great. I need
to get like an accent, the long Island thing. Does anyone have a long Island accent? We
can hear it real quick. I know it's like really noticeable. All right. All right. Those
were all the people that wanted to get in the love seat. So let's do a popcorn round.
We have about 15 minutes left. I'm going to un spotlight myself. All right. You guys,
that's good advice. I don't care who you are. All of that. Love it. Ask Jackie's one of
my favorite things. Lily, what's your question? Okay. So I posted in the group and was suggested
to jump on. I'm trying to figure out, there is someone that I met last week and we've
had three dates. We talk on the phone and I asked him about just the last week connected
in February and he decided to move on, move forward with someone who lived closer. We
live an hour and a half away. And so I asked what happened and what he learned from the
he brought up that it got, he just made a bad choice and they got to the point where
they ended up going to court. And so I kind of left it alone because it was probably like
that was in the first conversation we had after reconnecting. So now I'm trying to figure
out if, if, and when I should ask and I not trying to pry. So not too sure how to handle
that? Um, I would just not ever talk to him again. I mean, God literally is showing you what you need
to see. You don't need the details of it. Uh, I feel like you probably like a lot of women have
a mercy gift where empathy can get overextended and you don't, that's just a massive distraction,
honestly, in my opinion. Okay. I would just stay the course. It was great. It was like a gift from
heaven that he decided to move on with someone else and not you. So thank God. And let's keep
moving forward. Okay. Cause that sounds like a big can of worms. Okay. Cause we have another,
we have another person somewhere in our community where, you know, they were dating someone who got
involved in some sort of court case because of a mistake they made. And who knows really what that
but I gave them the exact same advice because whether it's criminal, whether it's civil,
it just sounds. And, and, and, and the fact that they're saying, and in this case is true in this
other, this is true in this other case as well. The fact that they're saying that someone that
they were romantically interested in is now taking them to court. That should be the biggest red flag
that we have. That's big. It's not like, Oh man, I got into a traffic accident. Now I got to go to
court. Oh yeah. I got this business thing going on and I got to go to court. No, it's like this
person that I wanted to be romantically involved with. I did something wrong and now they're
taking me to court. It's like, I don't even want to know what you did. I don't want to know
because I know everything I need to know right now. And that is thank you, Jesus.
What if he was actually the one that filed? I don't know all the details still. Okay. But
he told you that he made a mistake. Yeah. Listen, girl, I'm going to tell you something about
yourself because I've, I've talked to you enough on these ask Jackie's and and this is true. And
this used to be true of me as well, but you are a, you are a high level empath and you are going to
attract a lot of, you know, I know we call them narcissists out there, but you are going to
attract some broken people because of this gift that you have. And it's really important that,
you know, you get this imbalance and that you don't allow your empathy to be overextended.
Do not allow your empathy to be overextended. The best thing that you can do. And the best
thing that I did for myself, because I am also a high level empath is learn some really strong
boundaries. And at first it felt so foreign to me. I felt like I was being mean because like,
I have really deep, you know, deep love for people and, you know, really deep mercy for people.
And I want people to do well, and I can see the gold and the good in people very clearly. And
that got, that had me so confused when I was younger. But now I've been walking with Jesus
for 28 years and I've had a lot of really sketchy moments in my life because of this gift being
overextended because friends, your gifts overextended will become weaknesses. And so if
you also like me and Lily have this high mercy gift, please make sure that you are taking extra
boundary classes, reading the books, believing it, implementing it, even when it feels foreign
and kind of icky in your body to do it because it will maybe even save your life. Okay. Really
important because I feel like people who carry these gifts are targets almost for this stuff.
Does anyone resonating with what I'm saying right now? Anybody and women have, you know,
we have a little, we have empathy just naturally because of the feminine, but I'm talking about
even over and above that, over and above it. Okay. And I think it was Lilian. Someone said
that their mom overtalks, but if your mom is elderly, I do think that it is a form of dementia
to overtalk. I think that's, what's going on with my father-in-law. I think that it is,
God love them. I think it's some kind of form of, of just
aging and dementia. So that could be possibly what's going on with your mom as well.
I used to work at a nursing home. I love, I love elderly people. And I used to work as an
activities assistant at a nursing home way back when my daughter was really young and I was a
stay at home mom. And I just need to get a couple hours of work in somewhere. And a lot of the
even to not anyone. And so it definitely is a form of that for sure. All right.
Anyone else have any questions? Thank you, Lily, for showing up and asking us that.
Thank you for allowing me to speak.
to that for you. I believe that God, you are God defended. And
God's going to continue to root the wrong people out of your
life if you let him.
Jackie, can I ask you a quick question? Yes. So I met, I met
we're dating for almost five weeks now and things are moving
very quickly. And I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Things are
getting a little physical at this point. And I don't know how
to buck up a little bit. I wanted to take, you know, a
break, but I don't want to send him that negative vibe and
confuse him.
Okay, let's backtrack. So you've been dating for five weeks? Yes.
How many dates have you been on?
Um, about six.
How often do you talk to him besides when you're in person?
Every day. And in the morning, he talks before I mean, he calls
me before he goes in for work. And then when he when he's done,
he called me back. And then every night we FaceTime. So we
are connected.
And how what do you like about him?
He's mature. He's a merry minder. He loves Jesus and he's
masculine and he seems to have everything together. But I am
feeling a little overwhelmed and I am struggling with self worth
thinking that maybe this is this is too good for me, I guess.
Well, it's not too good for you. But you said that it's coming.
It's exactly what you've been wanting as far as on the
surface, but you said it's gotten physical. Can you?
Can you give I think he I believe he's love languages.
It's, you know, quality time and physical touch. And I had
escalated to, you know, grabbing hands kissing. And this weekend,
he literally sort of tried to grab my butt. And I thought that
was so
that was he was trying to grab your butt. Yeah, like in public
like hit you on the butt or no, no. When we were kissing, and it
was very gentle. And it was, you know, but I don't know how to
Well, you like him. Okay. And you're attracted to him. He's
attracted to you and you guys are grownups. Okay, we're all
grown people here. We're not little kids. And so obviously,
you know, we want to be physically connected. He's
connecting with you every single day. It is early. It's only a
little over a month. But I think this is just the perfect time.
And people ask me all the time, when is the appropriate time to
tell someone that I'm waiting until marriage or what my
boundaries are sexually, this is the perfect time. And what he
does with that information is going to tell you everything
that you need to know about the future of this relationship.
Yeah.
I actually told him that we literally two weeks in, I told
him that I wanted to wait. And he said that he's he's on board
and he's okay with that. However, he behavior doesn't
seem to be, you know, supporting that.
Well, a lot of people do, you know, at your age like to make
out and so that's when you set another boundary. So he said
he's okay with no sex before marriage. But now you need to
let him now have what you're okay with before marriage, you
don't want sex. So you told him what you're not okay with. But
now you need to tell him what you're okay with. Right? Right.
If you guys are so hot and bothered when you kiss, then
it's possible that you won't be kissing to that extent. Or you
might be giving, you know, goodbye kisses. Or, you know,
you have to set the you have to set the bar, you know, high for
both of you. If you know what your temptations are. Look,
everyone right slippery slope. I had a student once who told me
that she was immune to, you know, lust, unless a man touched
her back. Yeah. I mean, you know, like, that was it. That
was the G spot for her. Okay, so that gets touched. We're on
like Donkey Kong. Let's go. Alright, so all of us have
all of us have something that, hey, that's the point of no
return. The point of no return is that thing. So I'm not going
to do that thing. Because I know that if we do that, then that's
it. All right, closer on the floor. It's done. Alright, so
once again, we're all grown men. And some of us have never had
sex before. So just so you know, you
guys have a tipping point as well, but the rest of us that have had sex, we know what
our tipping point is. Go ahead, Erica. Yes. Yeah. One last question. I guess at this point
he, um, you know, I guess I understand the levels of relationship, but you know, obviously
he don't. Um, but, um, he said, I'm into you. I want to date you exclusively. So at this
point, when is it healthy to move to level two? When is the right time? I mean, you're
level three. You're already level three. That's my concern. Level three, baby. You're there.
Right. So that's what I wanted to know. That's what level three is. Yeah. Level two is you're
still dating other people. Level exclusive. Erica, you've been around here for a long
time. You know, I know, I know, but for the first time, Jackie, I don't know what I'm
All right. Well, thank you for the advice. It's like, yeah, we, we like each other a
lot and then it's, it's one of those situations with, um, you know, I need to, to go back
to, to, um, you just need to set the second boundary. You already said no sex before marriage,
but now you need to say, Hey, you know, this is going really fast and I really like you
and you really like me and we have to pace ourselves because there ain't nowhere else
to go from here. If we don't. Yeah. And you have that conversation. It sounds like it
sounds like you can. Yes. Yes. And you're going to get one of three answers. You're
going to get, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But then he doesn't respect the words and he still
continues to do the behavior. So that will be one response. And that will tell you that,
you know, he's really not committed to no sex before marriage. And then that really
makes me wonder if all the other things you said about him were true, as far as he loves
Jesus and all the things, okay. You can't talk out of both sides of your mouth, friends,
one or one, one or the other is true. And then the second response you could get from
him is, Oh yeah. You know, I'm not really on board with that. Yeah. We don't have to
have intercourse before marriage, but if I'm going to be in an exclusive relationship,
you know, I want it to be sexually, I want it to be physical. And that that's another,
and that's a really honest response. And actually I really admire someone who would say that,
even if they're a Christian, because at least they're being honest with us and they're not
going to tell us what we want to hear. And then the third response is, Oh my gosh, I'm
sorry. You're right. I should be leading in this. And I just, I repent to you and yeah,
you know, let's have better boundaries and I will, I will honor that. And then they do
honor it. Now, of course we want that one. Yes. Yes. We'll take the breakup one too,
because he's being honest as well. But the third one, nah, that's a red flag. Yes. Yes.
All right. Well, thank you. Make sure you tell us what goes on. Okay. Yes. So I for
meeting tomorrow and, um, uh, I guess we're going to have this conversation. So I just
wanted to get your advice on how to, you know, um, approach that conversation with
him. Absolutely. That's how you do it. Thank you. Appreciate it. You're welcome. I have
a question. Oh, I'm going to take the guy first and then I'll come to you. Louis, you
have a question. It's good to see you. I didn't know you were on here. Hello. Yeah, I'm here.
Um, yeah, Michael. So I guess it's kind of, it's more so two part ish. Um, I do need some
wisdom cause I think maybe I kind of, I don't know, screwed some things up. So I haven't,
you know, been too much in his dating scenes. I'm still trying to figure, feel all this
out. And I'm like, you know, I was just kind of trying to discern. I was like praying to
certain from the Lord. So there was this girl I was, uh, I think I kind of mentioned her
to you when we had connected. You did the realtor girl, right? Yeah. And so the next
day, you know, I was, I was still, I had some appointments to go check out some homes and
I didn't even care about the homes anymore. Cause I was like, I was interested in this
girl and I wanted to be intentional and ask her, you know, if she was interested. And
so towards the, yeah, towards the end of that showing, I, I could send, she, she may be
interested cause she kind of hung around the first time she was just talking. And I said,
Hey, I'm, I'm actually interested in pursuing you. I don't know if it's mutual. And she
said, yeah. Uh, you know, and, uh, she gave me her personal number and I followed up with
her the next day. Uh, and so actually before we had left, cause she, so she has a daughter
and her daughter was home, a nine year old daughter. She was kind of home alone. She
had invited.
I invited her, uh, I said, Hey, uh, tomorrow I'm doing some ministry stuff.
Um, at, at, at a college campus nearby.
And I was like, you know, do you want to come and you can see
what my life kind of looks like.
That was kind of my intention.
Um, right.
You told me about that.
Yeah.
And so, uh, she, she initially said, yeah.
And then, uh, that was supposed to be like on a Saturday.
And then I was kind of, I reached out to her to see the next day to see,
Hey, how's her daughter doing?
Um, cause she said her daughter was like sick or something like that.
And, um, I, there was a church event thing that popped up.
Uh, and I invited her.
I, I was thinking, Hey, this would be a great, it was like for, it was set up
for kids and it was going to be like a movie type night, so I've, my mindset
was, I want to invite you into a group environment and your daughter
can have something to do.
You can bring her with, so it won't keep her from not coming out.
That was kind of like my, my mindset.
And I guess one, I was, I don't know if I had rushed or should have said that or
asked her, but then eventually she replied and she said, Hey, my daughter
is still not feeling well.
Um, and, uh, she said that she, she won't be able to make it tomorrow.
Uh, and then I replied with completely understand.
And, and I, I, I asked her if maybe it would, so my heart behind this
question was, well, her daughter is sick.
It seems like she has a hard time getting out and leaving.
She doesn't have anybody to take care of her daughter.
So I was like, well, what if I came by your place area, not to go inside?
I made that clear, but just to have a date and walk around your, your, like
a park or rock around your, your place there for a little bit.
And she never replied back.
So I guess, uh, I just maybe need some coaching that I maybe shouldn't.
Was there something in there that I shouldn't have done?
I have, and then, and then I kind of took a step back.
And so this is where my question comes in is I think when I think about reaching
out to her, I kind of get this anxiety and I am like, I don't know how to discern.
Is this my, my flesh maybe just being scared of something that maybe I haven't
been able to pinpoint yet, or is this the, is this not non peace from the Lord?
Like, how do I discern that?
Um, and so, well, first of all, you, you know, you're the last person to reach out.
She hasn't responded.
Right.
Okay.
So the ball's in her court because, because, okay.
So everyone listen up.
It's really important.
Context is important of how we meet people.
So Lewis met this girl, you know, he's a handsome guy.
You know, she's a pretty girl.
She was meeting him in a business context.
It's great.
I'm glad he, he was able to shoot a shot.
I, I told him he should for sure, because we don't ask enough people out in the wild.
And so ladies, please be approaching, be approachable out in the wild when
you're just living your life, when you're doing your thing, when you're running
errands, you're at the grocery store, be approachable in the wild, because that's
how we used to meet people back in the day.
And I really do believe that, you know, we're trying to bring that back around.
And so I appreciate it that he, you know, asked her out, said, Hey, I'm interested
in, you know, in, in seeing you or, you know, taking you on a date.
And that was great.
And so, but we don't know if, because she was showing him places to purchase,
she was a realtor, we don't know if she said yes, simply because she felt like
she had to, because, you know, a lot of people don't have good boundaries.
A lot of people in that situation would not have the guts to say no.
They just simply wouldn't, especially women.
Women are so amicable and they're so, you know, like, Oh, okay.
Yeah, sure.
So, um, so we don't know Lewis, if she ever really intended to go out with you.
She ever really wanted to go out with you because she was kind of put on
the spot and she just did it.
Okay.
You weren't just approaching her in a grocery store.
You had already spent time with her twice showing houses and had like long
conversations about different things.
And so she said, yes, now we're to give her the benefit of doubt that
she really, really wanted to say yes.
But now, you know, Lewis is inviting her to ministry stuff.
We don't know how strong of a Christian she is inviting her and her daughter to
and, you know, different things.
And then not, not taking no for an answer, but when she has objections,
overcoming those objections with, well, Hey, why don't I come and hang out with
you? And I love, I love one thing about this Lewis is that you're giving your,
you're so kind of pure hearted that you're giving her the benefit of the
doubt that she isn't making excuses that she really just can't do it.
And so you're trying to make it easier for her and just really believing that she.
really wants to do it, but just can't.
And that's great.
But the fact that she hasn't responded to that
kind of tells us everything we need to know.
That for whatever reason,
she's not ready for this level
of someone wanting to get to know her, right?
And so the ball's in her court.
I would not text her again if I were you.
I would just kind of let that go.
And then at the same time, when it comes to
what he was asking about was,
how do I know if it's like God saying,
by the feelings that I have inside,
like God saying, or if it's just me fearing rejection?
Well, it's not really something that we need to know
because God very rarely,
I know this is gonna really hurt a lot of your feelings,
but God very rarely tells you,
don't go on a date with that person.
Now, if your safety is in question,
because we have this beautiful gift called free will,
it's really a beautiful gift, okay?
And it is the gift of us doing
what we feel like we want to do.
And when you're surrendered to God, as Lewis is,
a lot of us, we get pretty clear on what we want
and what we don't want
because we've surrendered our free will to God's will.
So my advice to you, Lewis,
because of who you are and in full-time ministry
and what you do as far as with your life,
I really do believe that you're kind of on a narrower road.
Okay, you're on a narrower road
than maybe some of the rest of us,
where a lot of what we do in life is more of our will
and maybe less of God's.
You're pretty sold out as a missionary
and in full-time ministry.
And because of that narrower road,
you're probably going to feel like,
you know, this isn't something worth pursuing
a lot faster than the rest of us.
And you know what?
That's okay.
But that doesn't mean that you don't do your hard work
and make sure that you're not fearing rejection
and that you're not dealing with avoidant attachment.
You and I talked for a bit on that call
and I do see some avoidance in you,
which is normal for your age range of men.
A lot of men are dealing with, you know,
wanting to find the woman that they think
is perfect for them.
And they have a lot of maybe expectations
that are not realistic, not about the way she looks,
but about the way it's going to feel
or how it's going to hit
or what it's going to look like to meet that person.
And so as you're surrendering to God,
I really want to encourage you to surrender
all of that stuff, really to surrender all of it.
Get honest with yourself,
make a list of all of your expectations
of what you think it's going to look like
to meet your spirit mate.
You know, what's going to feel like,
you know, what this, you know,
how you're going to know right away or whatever,
like take all of that, put it on a list
and then give it to the Lord.
Say, hey God, this is what I'm operating in right now.
You know me, you know me better than I know myself
and I need to surrender this to you
so I don't get in my own way.
Cool?
But real older girl, that ship has sailed.
Now, if she circles back around and she says,
oh, I'm so sorry I left you on red.
I just was dealing with a lot right now,
single mom and my daughter was sick
and I just really was overwhelmed
and really just didn't know what to say.
She's honest like that and says,
hey, I want to take a rain check, then cool.
But if she doesn't, then you just know that
it just wasn't what she was looking for right now
in her life as far as to pursue.
Awesome, yeah, thank you so much.
That makes sense.
And that's good, she don't need to waste your time.
So, did you get spotlighted yet?
Because I haven't been at spotlights
this month or last month.
Did you do a spotlight?
I'm not really sure.
I was on last week with Renee,
but it wasn't really a spotlight.
It was kind of more of a,
well, it kind of was, but it was kind of like a mix.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what single spotlights, that's what she's doing.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Cool, all right.
Okay, well, we're gonna get you spotlighted out there.
Ladies, guys, if you know anyone who should meet Lewis,
he's up in Dallas right now.
But he is full-time on mission,
does some really cool stuff
as far as what God has called him to do for ministry.
And so if you know someone who's a missionary-minded person,
maybe they're in business,
but they really support missions,
they believe in missions,
they would be a good spirit mate
to someone who has completely sold out to the mission field,
that would be the right.
I really see you as someone who's in business.
So the realtor thing, like someone who's an entrepreneur,
someone who has,
that's where they feel called,
but they really.
really believe in building the kingdom of God
with their finances and with their business.
And so I think that would be a really good fit for you.
Oh, Kim knows someone.
Kim, I wanna hear from you.
I saw you post something in the group
and I'm not in there very often.
So I saw you posting about that guy that you were seeing.
I did.
You broke up with him?
Oh no, no.
Oh, you put an update in there and I just didn't see it.
It's really the last two weeks, the first week,
you know, we kind of just gave each other a break.
And then I left to Florida last Saturday
and we're planning to see each other Saturday
with his identical twin boys.
So we haven't had like, I wanna use your language,
like, hey, you know, I noticed you, you, you know,
you talk, I don't wanna say you talk a lot,
but I can't remember what you said in the post,
but I'm gonna try that.
Oh, right, that's, he's the over-talker.
He's the over-talker,
but I think he had a lot of other factors.
Like he was furloughed.
He just got back to work today.
And so he talks a lot,
but I think he talked more than what he would normally do.
So I'm just trying to.
I mean, yeah, if there's, listen,
if the jury's out on that and there isn't a bunch
of other flags that are making that red,
then yeah, of course, give him an opportunity
to show you who he is.
Guys, some people do over-talk because they're nervous
or because they're stressed,
but you'll quickly find out what is really going on
with that person if you continue to get to know them.
So that's where you are.
So, but Kim, you said, you know someone for Lewis.
So write us, admin at JackieDorman.com,
send it, send us, send us it, send us.
I feel like she's not ready,
but she would be the perfect match for him.
She's in, she's in Dallas?
No.
She's in Maryland, but hey, you never know.
Well, send it anyway.
And what do you mean by not ready?
Breakup, widowed?
Divorced, maybe a year, but she, I feel like she's,
Charlotte and I have tried to get her to join
last year's single.
And, you know, so I'll try again.
Okay.
And sometimes you guys,
just because someone doesn't want to join
a community for singles,
doesn't mean they're not ready to meet someone.
They just don't want to join a community for singles.
And so that's, that's definitely something.
Okay, so cool.
That's great.
Now, Jessica, you wanted to ask a question.
Where are you at girl?
Yeah, I'll try to reign this in.
You know, I haven't, I'm divorced
and I've been divorced twice.
I just started going online dating about three months ago.
The first guy that I liked,
we ended up chatting and we eventually went on a date.
I, at the same time, was chatting with different people,
learning the process of saying no and moving on, et cetera.
So I've done a fair amount of that.
I've had three other live dates with people.
So this guy though, on our third date,
he reached over and was going to hold my hand.
And kudos to me, I, for the first time in my life,
I asked myself this question, am I comfortable with that?
And I'm like, no, I'm really not at this point.
So I pulled my hand away and I said, you know, John,
I'm not really comfortable.
And he pulled his hand away and he goes,
wow, a woman with boundaries.
And so we joked about it,
but we've been on some more dates.
And the fourth date, I said, John, we need to talk.
I said, I need to tell you why I pulled my hand away.
I said, I am just walking into this world.
I haven't had a date in 11 years.
I have kept my heart closed.
I've done a lot of heart healing.
I've been in this last year single program
for several years.
And I said, I have to sit across the table from some men.
I have to figure out who Jesse is in relationship to men.
I need to meet a few toads.
I need to, so that I know who a prince is.
I said, John, you're not a toad in any way, shape or form.
So basically said, oh, Jesse, he said,
you friend zoned me, okay?
So I let that go for a week
and we just kind of ended it on a text.
I'm like, I'm not comfortable with this.
So John, can we talk?
So we talked again.
I said, you know,
I think we need to talk that through a little bit more.
And so we've seen each other, we've gone through rides,
we blah, blah, blah.
Basically, here's the issue.
He checks a lot of my boxes,
but not the top two.
So we've been very clear about that.
Where are the top two?
I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.
Now he brought up the spiritual aspect of his life
before I did in our first date.
And he said, you know, I have a relationship with the Lord.
He's a Catholic, he got disgruntled with their faith,
he hasn't gone to church in years.
And I did ask him, I said,
are you ever open to going to a non-denominational?
He says, sure.
So then the other things is I did say,
you know, John, I really don't,
I will not have sex before marriage.
And he said, oh, well, that would be really hard.
And I said, yeah, it would be.
And then the other day when we were talking,
I said, John, you know,
you said long-term relationship in your profile.
Does that mean marriage?
And he said, I don't think I can be married again.
I said, really, why?
He said, because all I've seen is that people,
they're getting along great, then they get married,
and then they quit trying and it falls apart.
And I pushed on that, you know, with him.
And I'm like, I think he's believing lies.
But anyway, he is, the thing is he's mature, he's masculine.
He has so, he's done so much of his heart work.
He was in law enforcement, he was a fireman.
He's done a lot of things.
We laugh, we enjoy each other so much.
But I did ask him this question,
John, are you afraid of anything?
You don't seem like a fearful person.
He goes, he says, well, that list you said of things
that you're looking for in a man,
I do feel a lot of those boxes, except one.
I said, which one?
He says, insecure.
He said, I am afraid of getting my heart broke again.
So basically what we've been doing
is dancing with this thing of like,
it's like, I love spending time with him,
but I feel like I'm playing with fire
because some things aren't falling in place.
And he, you know, he's spiritually, I don't think.
How many dates have you been on with him?
Probably six, seven.
And I don't even know if I'd call them dates.
We had four dates,
but then we've just been hanging out as friends supposedly.
But he called me last, yeah, he called me last week
and he said, Jessie, I have a question for you.
A serious question.
I'm like, oh my gosh, he has a serious question.
He says, I feel like you like me more than a friend.
I have feelings.
He's a little flirty.
He's a little flirty guy.
What's that?
He knows, I said, he knows how to pull the strings.
Yeah, we both do.
Well, here's the thing, Jessie, you're having fun.
Oh yeah.
Are you enjoying yourself?
I am, too much.
Well, just keep on enjoying yourself.
It's been a long time since you, like you said to him,
I haven't been out here in a long time.
I would not say no to dates with other men,
but I would just continue to have fun and enjoy yourself.
You know what it is you want.
And I don't think that you're the kind of woman
who's gonna compromise what she wants
for a little bit of attention from someone.
I think that a lot of you are in this boat with Jessie
where it really feels good to be flirted with
and to be admired and to have someone who you laugh with
and you're having fun with.
Will they end up married?
I've seen it happen.
Bethany, not the Bethany that leads my heart work,
she's a success story of this community,
but there's another Bethany who's your age, Jessie,
who's a success story, who had a neighbor, get this,
she met a guy on a dating app
that actually ended up living two miles away from her.
He was just right down the road.
And he would, you know, they just like the two of you
had so much fun together, but he swore he was a widower
and he'd been widowed for a long time,
and a widower for a long time.
And he just said, you know, I'm old,
I'm not gonna get remarried.
And she wanted to be remarried.
She was a widow, he was a widower,
and he would just be so chivalrous.
He would bring her, she had adopted children,
even though she was in her sixties,
she had young kids that she had adopted.
And he would bring her stuff and he would do stuff for her.
And it was very obvious that, you know,
he was really loved her,
but also kind of falling in love with her.
And, you know, they're married now.
They're happily married.
In fact, after they got married,
he had a huge heart crisis, almost died,
and our community prayed him back to life.
And he's doing really, really well now, very healthy.
And they're just really happily married.
So you never know.
But.
You know, just like you, she's like, well, you know, I really, really like him.
I don't want to, I'm playing with fire.
I'm scared.
I'm going to get my heart broken because he's not going
to change his mind about this.
But follow peace, spread out, spread yourself out with some other dates, with
some other men, just so you don't get too attached, but if you're enjoying yourself
and he's enjoying you and you're sticking to your guns and boundaries, I
think you should keep going forward.
Okay.
Thank you.
Keep us posted.
Keep us posted on your, on your toes.
All right.
Sounds good.
Thank you.
I thought for sure.
You're going to say, get out.
You, you wished I would, you wanted me to, but I didn't make this simple cheese.
I'm just saying what I feel like.
Holy spirit saying, so you're, you're, you're classy lady.
Keep it classy.
I know you will.
And just have fun.
Okay.
All right.
Enjoy yourself.
All right, guys, we have to have fun.
We need to have fun.
Will that be her spirit mate?
I don't know.
The jury's still out on that.
We have no idea what's going to happen.
Um, there's a, there's something that shifts in people's heart.
When they fall in love with us, they say never will I ever.
But then all of a sudden they're like, yeah, I will.
Um, because we change our minds once we, once we find someone that we really
want to spend the rest of our lives with.
So that could happen.
And for a lot of you, you just need to stop needing certainty
at the very beginning of things.
If it's good, there's a lot of green flags then go with that.
Okay.
All right.
Um, guys, I have a lot of cans coming up, but we're really at the end of our time.
So if you want to go ahead and send your questions in, I'd be happy to answer them.
Um, we're, we're actually past time and, uh, and I want to tell you guys something.
I'll be talking more about this on supernatural Saturday, but
this word about the siege is over.
If you haven't heard that supernatural Saturday or the ones that came after it,
please go and listen, please go and listen to it because we are seeing
so many testimonies coming in.
So many testimonies, including, and I'll talk about this a little bit on Saturday,
but my brother, you guys know, I have a brother that's a year and a half older
than me, that's been homeless and mentally ill for 28 years, you guys, 28 years.
He's never owned his own home.
He's always lived in his car.
Um, he's not an addict and nothing like that.
He just lives out away from society in his car, travels around,
never can rest, always camping.
Um, he lived here in my house for a year last year because he got hit by a car
and his bicycle and was permanently crippled by that accident.
And I want to let you guys know that, you know, we have tried and tried and
tried me and my younger brother.
And my younger brother's father, who is my mom's last husband before she
passed, we have tried to get him to buy a trailer, let us buy you an RV.
You know, my mom left him some money when she passed away.
You know, we have control of it.
Let us do something for you.
And he never, ever has been mentally willing to own something where he would
not have to just live in his car and just, you know, constantly be driving
around, being harassed by police, sleeping in parking lots, whatever.
Today, today, y'all, we signed the contract for my brother to own his own
house, just a little tiny house and a little tiny town in Texas, little two
bath, two bedroom, $35,000 house, you guys, but it's a really good shape
and a little Mayberry town.
But do you see how crazy this is?
The siege is over friends.
When I tell you how many times we have found something like, Oh, this RV,
can we buy this for you?
We'll put it on this piece of land.
How about this?
How about that?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And then even today, while the realtor was making up the contract, I'm like,
Oh no, is this going to go all the way through there?
How can this go all the way through?
This would be a miracle.
I just want to let you guys know the shift is here.
The shift is here.
28 years.
I've been praying for this and it has finally happened.
It's finally happened.
So I want you to apply that to whatever you've been praying for, for a really,
really long time, wherever you have felt stuff, bottlenecked, whatever feels like
it would be impossible for that to end or for that to start or whatever it is.
The siege is over and father has released that of your sons and
daughters right now in Jesus name.
I thank you, Lord, that we are in a season of the miraculous and of
sudden leaves.
And so, Lord, I thank you, God.
I thank you that each and every one of them is going to feel like their number
is getting pulled out of that raffle father.
Each and every one of them are going to feel.
like they are like wowed by the things that come to them in the season of breakthrough
in Jesus name.
Let it be.
So, amen.
All right, friends.
Thank you so much.
For those of you that didn't get to ask your question, either wait until next time, or
if you really want to ask it, go ahead and ask it in your group and tag me in it.
Ask it in phase three, Facebook or guys in men's Facebook or on the app.
Make sure you tag me in it.
The four of you that had your hands up and I will make sure that I come around and an
Okay.
All right.
Love you all.
See you soon.
Thank you, Jackie.