WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.600 --> 00:00:06.740 Hey friends, welcome to week one of the Heartwork for Couples. 2 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.980 When I say I'm so excited about this, I've been wanting to do this course for a really 3 00:00:10.980 --> 00:00:11.440 long time. 4 00:00:11.940 --> 00:00:13.400 And so if you're new to me, welcome to me. 5 00:00:13.400 --> 00:00:16.560 I'm Jackie Dorman, and I'm so honored that you're here with me. 6 00:00:16.560 --> 00:00:20.680 Over the next four weeks, we're going to let God do what only he can do. 7 00:00:21.160 --> 00:00:24.740 He's going to heal your hearts, he's going to strengthen your unity, he's going to deepen 8 00:00:24.740 --> 00:00:29.300 your connection with each other and restore the places in your marriage that have been 9 00:00:29.300 --> 00:00:33.460 tired, tender, or maybe just tested, maybe just been through a lot since you got married. 10 00:00:33.720 --> 00:00:38.360 Now this isn't counseling and it definitely isn't just self-help, but it is going to be 11 00:00:38.500 --> 00:00:38.940 transformational. 12 00:00:39.500 --> 00:00:43.860 This is where you and your spouse get to step into a new rhythm of love and agreement. 13 00:00:44.140 --> 00:00:48.800 And today, we're going to start with one of my favorite things, expectancy. 14 00:00:49.640 --> 00:00:51.520 Expectancy has to be the foundation of your marriage. 15 00:00:51.660 --> 00:00:53.920 And so ask yourself, what do you expect from love? 16 00:00:54.160 --> 00:00:55.860 What do you expect from each other? 17 00:00:56.440 --> 00:01:00.940 And possibly, maybe you should ask, what do you expect from God in the area of relationship? 18 00:01:01.700 --> 00:01:02.820 Because here's the truth. 19 00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:05.220 Every couple begins with hope. 20 00:01:05.500 --> 00:01:06.480 That's what brought us together. 21 00:01:06.900 --> 00:01:08.100 We're hopeful about each other. 22 00:01:08.220 --> 00:01:11.460 But sometimes our hope has scar tissue because we've been through a lot. 23 00:01:11.860 --> 00:01:16.260 We want to believe the best, but we've lived through the worst, all kinds of disappointment. 24 00:01:16.440 --> 00:01:19.900 And because of that, we're already preparing for things to go wrong. 25 00:01:20.060 --> 00:01:22.580 So let's talk about that today in our teaching. 26 00:01:23.120 --> 00:01:27.060 Many of us learn to expect disappointment long before we ever met each other. 27 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:33.080 We learned it from childhood, possibly unsafe parents, past relationships. 28 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:36.820 Maybe you've been married before, or maybe you've just had your heart broken before by 29 00:01:36.900 --> 00:01:40.980 a romance or maybe a friendship, a betrayal, abandonment, rejection. 30 00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:46.040 I always say that relationships are for reasons and seasons and treasons, but that's caused 31 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:50.780 our emotions to shut down, to shut off a lot of times. 32 00:01:50.780 --> 00:01:55.440 And we start carrying that disappointment into our marriage instead of expectancy. 33 00:01:55.880 --> 00:01:57.900 But expectancy is not just an emotion. 34 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:01.080 I want you to know it's spiritual, it's prophetic, it's powerful. 35 00:02:01.520 --> 00:02:03.680 Because faith and fear both require belief. 36 00:02:03.900 --> 00:02:04.720 Think about it for a second. 37 00:02:04.840 --> 00:02:07.780 They're both futures that we're agreeing with. 38 00:02:08.220 --> 00:02:11.340 We're what if-ing on both fear and faith. 39 00:02:11.900 --> 00:02:17.200 And so our imagination is what's coming into play, and we need to release our imagination 40 00:02:17.200 --> 00:02:21.160 to God, because fear rehearses pain, but faith will rehearse your promises. 41 00:02:21.540 --> 00:02:24.820 And here's the simple truth that will shift everything if you let it. 42 00:02:25.200 --> 00:02:30.360 Your partner is not your past, but if you're not careful, your past can become the lens 43 00:02:30.380 --> 00:02:32.100 that you're seeing your partner through. 44 00:02:32.980 --> 00:02:39.380 And some of us are still making these people that we love, our partners, our spouses, pay 45 00:02:39.460 --> 00:02:40.520 for old debts. 46 00:02:41.180 --> 00:02:45.420 We're still making them prove to us that they love us because we expect rejection. 47 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:50.680 And when we expect to be hurt, we start interpreting everything that they do through that lens. 48 00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:54.540 Maybe a look from across the room, either not even looking at us or looking through 49 00:02:54.540 --> 00:02:55.120 us, right? 50 00:02:55.120 --> 00:02:56.780 But we think that they gave us the stink eye. 51 00:02:56.900 --> 00:03:01.520 We think that their tone of voice suddenly is evidence that they hate us now, when really 52 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.000 it's just human imperfection. 53 00:03:03.040 --> 00:03:03.980 Everyone gets irritated. 54 00:03:04.100 --> 00:03:04.800 Everyone gets annoyed. 55 00:03:04.940 --> 00:03:06.120 It doesn't mean they hate you. 56 00:03:06.580 --> 00:03:11.800 In chapter one of the book, we're talking about expecting not the worst, but expecting 57 00:03:11.800 --> 00:03:12.860 the best of each other. 58 00:03:12.860 --> 00:03:15.480 Because if you expect disappointment, you're going to find it. 59 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:17.800 I promise you, you're going to find whatever you're looking for. 60 00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:21.820 But if you expect connection, what you will do is you'll begin to cultivate it. 61 00:03:21.880 --> 00:03:25.860 If you expect irritation, you're going to find it because we're all going to be irritated 62 00:03:26.540 --> 00:03:27.380 by marriage. 63 00:03:27.880 --> 00:03:32.040 Marriage is hard, especially when your heart is hard and you cannot build intimacy with 64 00:03:32.040 --> 00:03:32.840 a braced heart. 65 00:03:33.440 --> 00:03:36.640 You can stay married, sure, but you can only function. 66 00:03:36.920 --> 00:03:37.900 You're not going to flourish. 67 00:03:38.540 --> 00:03:42.020 Not with a hard embraced heart, a heart that's bracing for disappointment. 68 00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:44.700 It can survive, but it cannot thrive. 69 00:03:44.980 --> 00:03:50.400 But God wants to change your posture from bracing for the other shoe to drop to believing 70 00:03:50.480 --> 00:03:54.060 from suspicion to peace and from fear to expectancy. 71 00:03:55.220 --> 00:03:57.560 Now let's talk about our marriage is getting a new lens. 72 00:03:58.340 --> 00:04:03.320 That's what this first part of the heart work is all about because our marriages need to 73 00:04:03.320 --> 00:04:05.260 have a clear and clean lens. 74 00:04:05.940 --> 00:04:09.220 Every married person has a heart lens. 75 00:04:10.620 --> 00:04:12.100 Every one of us does. 76 00:04:12.580 --> 00:04:17.220 Unmarried people have them and they're full of memories and assumptions, probably beliefs 77 00:04:17.220 --> 00:04:23.180 that are wrong and some that are right, past pain, old patterns, defense mechanisms, unhealed 78 00:04:23.180 --> 00:04:25.200 childhood wounds, childhood imprints. 79 00:04:25.640 --> 00:04:28.120 Without renewal, we're not going to see our spouse correctly. 80 00:04:28.420 --> 00:04:32.300 We're going to see them through the fear and the rejection, the suspicion, insecurity, 81 00:04:32.300 --> 00:04:36.420 the disappointment that is already all over our dirty heart lens. 82 00:04:37.060 --> 00:04:41.660 And our partner becomes the screen that we're projecting our past onto, if that makes sense. 83 00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:47.340 This is why Proverbs tells us above all else, everything that you do, make sure that you 84 00:04:47.340 --> 00:04:49.980 guard your heart because everything flows from it. 85 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:54.080 Because the heart is not just an emotional center, it's an interpretive center. 86 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:56.320 It's a life giving center. 87 00:04:56.720 --> 00:04:59.980 And what we decide in our heart is what we're going to have. 88 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:03.600 We decide with our heart, what things are going to turn into. 89 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:05.360 If your heart expects rejection, 90 00:05:05.580 --> 00:05:08.400 then you're going to feel rejected even when your spouse is just simply maybe 91 00:05:08.400 --> 00:05:11.580 tired that day. If your heart expects to be misunderstood, 92 00:05:12.040 --> 00:05:14.560 you will interpret every single moment, 93 00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:19.280 even if it's a neutral moment as an attack. And if your heart expects conflict, 94 00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:21.420 you might not just find conflict. 95 00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:24.660 You actually might create it even in calm seasons of your marriage. 96 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:26.980 And this is why God wants to renew your heart. 97 00:05:26.980 --> 00:05:32.320 Because until that lens changes, love cannot be fully received by you. 98 00:05:33.140 --> 00:05:36.960 And so we go on in these first three chapters to talk about shared surrender. 99 00:05:38.020 --> 00:05:39.800 Chapter three is going to really take you there. 100 00:05:39.820 --> 00:05:43.820 And I want to go deeper here in this teaching about shared surrender because 101 00:05:43.820 --> 00:05:45.740 surrender and marriage is not about giving up. 102 00:05:45.760 --> 00:05:49.660 It's about giving God permission to lead, not just one of you, 103 00:05:49.740 --> 00:05:50.420 but both of you. 104 00:05:50.440 --> 00:05:54.160 Because when both people surrender their hearts and surrender control, 105 00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:57.960 surrender the fear of being vulnerable, possibly your assumptions, 106 00:05:58.440 --> 00:06:01.920 something is going to shift. Shared surrender will say, 107 00:06:02.140 --> 00:06:05.140 we don't have to know everything. We don't have to fix everything. 108 00:06:05.400 --> 00:06:09.940 We just have to be in agreement with God and with each other. 109 00:06:10.540 --> 00:06:13.360 And I know that sounds like a small thing, but agreement is powerful. 110 00:06:13.700 --> 00:06:17.580 The Bible says if two of you agree and touch anything, it will be done. 111 00:06:18.660 --> 00:06:21.620 Agreement is not just sameness. We're not alike all the time, 112 00:06:21.620 --> 00:06:26.360 but it is alignment and alignment creates peace and peace will create safety 113 00:06:26.360 --> 00:06:28.480 and safety is going to create more and more intimacy. 114 00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:32.040 And this is why this first week is so foundational. 115 00:06:32.340 --> 00:06:38.000 We cannot go further until you build this connection and connection cannot be 116 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:39.720 built on suspicion or fear. 117 00:06:39.800 --> 00:06:43.240 It cannot be built on a braced heart for disaster. 118 00:06:43.400 --> 00:06:47.480 It has to be braced on unity and God wants you to have unity. 119 00:06:47.480 --> 00:06:50.780 And that's why this first week is about expectancy, hope, 120 00:06:51.060 --> 00:06:52.280 faith and shared surrender. 121 00:06:52.700 --> 00:06:55.620 I used to coach a couple who had been married for quite a bit. 122 00:06:55.780 --> 00:06:59.700 I think they'd been married around 12 years and they thought their biggest 123 00:06:59.700 --> 00:07:03.840 problem was communication. They were terrible communicators with each other. 124 00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:06.340 But as I listened to a lot of their stories, 125 00:07:06.340 --> 00:07:09.480 I realized it wasn't just communication. It was actually expectation. 126 00:07:09.820 --> 00:07:13.400 He expected always to be criticized by her and she expected always to be 127 00:07:13.400 --> 00:07:14.260 disappointed by him. 128 00:07:14.260 --> 00:07:18.320 And that's why they weren't communicating well because they were responding to 129 00:07:18.320 --> 00:07:22.200 the echoes of their past through each other, right? 130 00:07:22.200 --> 00:07:23.640 He couldn't stand to be criticized. 131 00:07:23.880 --> 00:07:26.340 He had a critical mom and she couldn't stand to be disappointed. 132 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:30.220 She had a disappointing dad. And because of those things, 133 00:07:30.220 --> 00:07:31.860 I call it poking each other's orphan. 134 00:07:32.180 --> 00:07:36.460 They came together and they were constantly not hitting on all cylinders. 135 00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:38.160 They were constantly on different pages. 136 00:07:38.400 --> 00:07:42.740 And so they were able to come together with that revelation and they were able 137 00:07:42.740 --> 00:07:45.960 to truly communicate, not from a place of fear, but of true vulnerability. 138 00:07:46.260 --> 00:07:49.000 So I want to activate you in this right now, 139 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:51.580 go ahead and close your eyes and take a moment. 140 00:07:52.520 --> 00:07:56.340 Think about what you've been expecting in your marriage lately. 141 00:07:57.080 --> 00:08:00.540 What do you expect your spouse to say before they even open their mouth? 142 00:08:01.460 --> 00:08:06.060 And I want you to ask yourself, what am I afraid I'm going to repeat? 143 00:08:07.260 --> 00:08:11.640 What am I afraid I am going to have happen again in my life that's happened 144 00:08:11.640 --> 00:08:12.120 before? 145 00:08:13.940 --> 00:08:16.880 What good thing can I expect from my spouse this week? 146 00:08:21.640 --> 00:08:23.340 Take a couple minutes. 147 00:08:27.260 --> 00:08:30.380 What do I need to release so that I can receive again? 148 00:08:33.400 --> 00:08:36.820 Let's go ahead and pray. God, we need you to heal our heartlands. 149 00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:42.000 We need your help to see each other through your eyes, Lord. 150 00:08:44.280 --> 00:08:48.820 Replace suspicion with faith and fear with expectancy and teach us to believe 151 00:08:48.840 --> 00:08:52.060 again. Believe in each other. Believe in marriage. 152 00:08:52.500 --> 00:08:53.800 Believe in legacy and lineage. 153 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:57.700 Believe that goodness and mercy and love are pursuing us, 154 00:08:57.700 --> 00:09:01.020 not just by you in the land of the living for other areas of our life, 155 00:09:01.100 --> 00:09:03.300 but pursuing us in this relationship. 156 00:09:05.060 --> 00:09:06.660 In Jesus name. Amen. 157 00:09:08.360 --> 00:09:12.940 So this week I want you to make sure that you read all of part one chapters one 158 00:09:12.940 --> 00:09:13.440 through three, 159 00:09:14.280 --> 00:09:17.640 and then highlight every sentence that stirs something in you. 160 00:09:18.340 --> 00:09:21.900 It's going to be those areas where God is inviting you to hope again. 161 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:27.260 Make sure that you complete your week one worksheet and don't forget to write 162 00:09:27.260 --> 00:09:29.520 your hope declaration together. That's very important. 163 00:09:29.620 --> 00:09:33.680 So set aside one night this week for a vision talk where you're going to dream 164 00:09:33.680 --> 00:09:34.420 out loud, 165 00:09:34.920 --> 00:09:38.320 talk about what your marriage means and what you still want to do and build 166 00:09:38.320 --> 00:09:42.020 together. And then next week we're going to dive into what we call the heart 167 00:09:42.020 --> 00:09:42.360 mirror. 168 00:09:42.860 --> 00:09:46.100 That's where we're going to see what's really happening beneath the surface of 169 00:09:46.100 --> 00:09:51.140 our hearts and letting God clean out fully the places that maybe we've been 170 00:09:51.140 --> 00:09:51.440 ignoring. 171 00:09:52.260 --> 00:09:57.000 All those troubled places in our marriage or maybe just in our relationships in 172 00:09:57.000 --> 00:09:59.200 general with other people, friends, community. 173 00:09:59.320 --> 00:09:59.980 Those are all 174 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.080 rooted. Those problems are not really the problem, those are symptoms of the 175 00:10:04.080 --> 00:10:07.700 problem and so they're rooted somewhere. So next week we're gonna go deeper. It's 176 00:10:07.700 --> 00:10:10.900 gonna be deep, it's gonna be freeing though and you're gonna feel so much 177 00:10:10.900 --> 00:10:14.580 lighter afterwards. So I'll see you in week two. Ciao for now.