Navigating disappointment with emotional intelligence and maturity.
Disappointment in relationships often invites us to grow in emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
When we feel let down, it's an opportunity to separate past patterns from present realities,
discern relational dynamics, and realign priorities in ways that reflect maturity,
reciprocity, and love.
Step 1.
Pause and reflect.
Separate past from present.
Ask, how is this relationship or interaction similar to or different from past relationships?
Recognize the patterns from your history that might be impacting the present.
Gain clarity by differentiating between the current person and the past.
You could put a column for one, a column for the other, noticing what feels familiar and
then also noticing what might be different.
You can invite the Holy Spirit in for illumination and discernment here.
Use your emotions as a signal just to gain some understanding and clarity here for your
own self.
This might take some time.
You may need to pause this and spend some time on this.
Again, right now, you're just noticing these things.
You're not really doing anything about it yet other than recognizing, getting illumination
and awareness.
Step 2.
Gain clarity on communication.
Define your intentions.
What am I hoping to communicate to this person?
What am I hoping to receive in response?
This is the current relationship.
So what am I hoping maybe to get from this person?
What am I hoping from this interaction?
Or if you've had the interaction, what was I hoping from that interaction?
What had I hoped to receive?
What didn't I receive?
What felt frustrating?
What unmet need maybe didn't get met there?
So you're paying attention to the impact and clarity on what was communicated and maybe
what wasn't communicated that you had hoped for.
Invite the spirit into this to just illuminate, giving awareness.
Now as you're considering this current relationship, I want you to reflect on their role.
What role is this person currently in my life?
Do they need to hold that role?
For example, if this is a friend, I want you to pay attention to how much time, energy
and effort am I investing in this?
Maybe I want to invest more.
Maybe you're noticing I'm not investing what I think I would typically, or you're starting
to get some self-awareness there.
Or maybe you're noticing that you're investing too much and it's not reciprocal and that
might be causing some frustration or disappointment in the relationship or in your experience
that you're attuning to.
So I want you just to pay attention to what role, because we want to align the role with
the intentionality.
Just getting curious, even Jesus had his inner circle, so we want to pay attention to that.
And that's with intentionality, are there shared values here?
Is this a trustworthy person?
Some questions you might want to define.
Do I want in my inner circle?
What qualities do I need them to have?
What values do we align on?
How much time, energy, and effort do I want to invest in this relationship?
Is it reciprocal?
Remember the difference between a ministry and a relationship.
A ministry is one way, and a relationship is two ways, and maybe defining that, maybe
even defining that for the other person so that they aren't misunderstanding the relationship.
How might God be shifting this relationship?
Is he shifting it?
He might not be, but if he is, how is he?
What is he teaching me through this dynamic?
What am I learning?
What am I becoming maybe more aware of?
Awareness will lead to clarity that then can lead to action.
Am I holding on to this person, maybe out of habit, fear?
That's a good one to pay attention to.
Am I just afraid to let this person go because I'm struggling with an ability to be by myself?
Maybe I'm afraid of abandonment or something else needs to be looked at, and that would
go back to our primary caregiver.
Maybe what role they did or didn't play in our lives, and talking to a counselor about
that could help unpack that as well, or is there a misplaced hope here rather than intentionality?
Is there a misplaced hope in a something that you're wanting them to give you that maybe
they really can't, and then that is also just a skill deficit?
As we're seeking emotional intelligence, understanding that we might be asking somebody to meet a
need that they just are not capable of meeting, and then asking ourselves, well, what do I
want to do about that?
How can I get this need met in a different way, and what boundaries might I need to put
in place in order so that I'm not drained and my capacity isn't drained in this situation?
Evaluate your inner circle relationships.
We talked about this already.
Is there mutual respect, care, and investment?
That's something if you feel that there is closeness in the relationship, and you are
noticing maybe some unmet needs, these would be your relationships where you can have these
conversations.
At least that's the goal, right?
To be able to say, hey, can I talk to you, and I'm noticing I'm feeling a little disappointed
here.
I'm hoping that we could spend more time together, and it's been difficult to not get
to have time with you.
Is there a way that, or however you communicate your bent, your personality style, your love
language, and then considering the other person as well, and their bent personality and love
language.
That does take discernment, and prayer, intentionality.
Maybe it's not the right timing to bring that up, or when would be the right timing?
You could just ask them.
What would be a good time to talk?
I really miss talking to you.
So that's where you can assess the reciprocity.
Does this person also talk to me, and initiate communication with me about their own feelings,
thoughts, disappointments, desires, hopes?
That's a good thing if they do, if they can do that in a way that is respectful and kind,
that does show a mutual investment in the relationship.
Do they challenge you in love, and can I do the same for them?
How do I feel after interacting with them?
Something just to pay attention to, and get a little bit more awareness on.
Am I energized at peace, or drained and unsettled?
And people can play different roles in our lives.
So just noticing that as well, and that can be a good thing.
And step five, distinguish between friends, partners, and ministry.
The nature of the relationship, a true friend or partner is mutual, both giving and receiving
care and love, and initiating those sensitive conversations.
A person who consistently requires your energy, effort, and care without reciprocity may be
more of a ministry than a friend or a partner.
Reflect, is this relationship one-sided, and if so, is it serving God's purpose in my well-being?
Does he want it in my life as a ministry, if it is needing to be moved into that category more so?
There could be an imbalance in the power structure.
As a counselor, it's unethical to have those kinds of relationships with clients, and so
those would never be a mutual relationship.
So keeping that in mind as well, like, is it even a privilege?
appropriate for this to be? What would be the person's experience if this was? Do they
feel comfortable being open and honest with me and vice versa? And what might be some
of the dynamics in play? And then that could be a conversation. What is that like for you?
If it is a work relationship, what a friendship in a work relationship might look like because
we can't have friends and work relationships, but there might be a dynamic there that just
needs to be talked about. And just the reality and truth on that in both people's experience
can just be important to validate. Emotional attunement and validation. Checking in. What's
coming up for you in this interaction? And it's okay to feel this way. Remember to practice
self-compassion. I am loved, I am worthy, and I am capable of navigating these relationships.
Referring yourself to what you're needing at times when there are those frustrations,
when someone isn't capable of meeting that need. It's okay to pause and seek self-compassion
and compassionate resourcing for your own self. Maybe I'm not getting emotional validation
from this friend who I had hoped was a friend. Maybe what I need instead is to pause and
seek that somewhere else. I notice disappointment. I notice frustration. This might just be a
different relationship than I thought, and that can be difficult. And there can be grieving
involved in that letting go of just the truth and reality of what they can provide in your
life and what they can't. And that's why it can be really healthy and is really healthy
to have multiple friendships and relationships. So define who's in your inner circle. Jesus
had people in his inner circle. And then who's your next circle? Your next. Remember he had
his three, he had his 12, and he had more than that. Determine your next steps. Decide
how to move forward here. So you've noticed the disappointment. You've noticed maybe unmet
needs. You're clarifying what might be coming up from past, differentiating present. You're
clarifying the role of the relationship if it needs to shift. You're clarifying maybe
what communication you need to have, what's been communicated, maybe what hasn't been
communicated that needs to. Will you communicate your needs and boundaries with this person?
So now you're deciding how to move forward. Is it necessary to? Does it even make sense
to? So you're just deciding. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does. If so, what will you say? What
do you want to say? What makes sense to you? And then how might you tailor that? Or just
saying that exactly what you want and what you feel. Knowing this is a safe place to
do that. If you aren't sure because you don't feel safe with this person and that can be
a signal to maybe assess if this conversation can even happen or will just bring more frustration
and disappointment. You might not know the outcome. So just being aware of maybe their
limitations and even your own capacity. What would that be like for you? Maybe it's just
not the right timing. If it's going to feel devastating right now, maybe saying, I guess
I can't have this conversation right now. Might need to build up my own resources. That
could be seeking therapeutic support. That could be doing other things to care for your
body, mind, soul, and spirit so that you could be in a better place to have a difficult conversation
if you do sense that needs to happen. If they can't meet your needs or engage in mutual
care, what role will they play and how will you shift them into that role in a kind and
compassionate way moving forward? So consider is it time to pull back, maybe redefining
their relationship, maybe letting it go entirely and how might you do that in a way with honor,
mutual respect and care. So now embracing growth and love. I want you to recognize your
worth. You are loved by God and your relationships should reflect that. Trust that God desires
healthy life giving connections for you and will guide you toward relationships that align
with this purpose for your life. Not everyone is meant to be in that inner circle and that
is just even according to the research, the capacity for us to have close human relationships.
We do need to invest in those few and then move out a little bit, but it isn't possible.
We'll be fragmented if we're investing in over 50 people, over 52 people, even into
the hundreds, we would become very fragmented. So those relationships...
even in our social media would be just possibly more, more of a ministry engagement, encouragement.
What do you feel led to share?
What is your purpose?
And that can feel exciting to invest in that way.
But knowing that that will not be typically mutual, you could get fulfillment out of that
because it is meeting a need for that, for that person and the Holy Spirit is using your
gifts and talents.
And that's wonderful.
So learning and growing, even in disappointment, there's opportunity for growth.
So both in emotional intelligence and spiritual discernment, leaning into this process with
curiosity and grace.
So remember, not every person is meant to be in our inner circle and that's okay.
Relationships are a gift, simply a gift, and they can transition in time.
They can transition in seasons as well.
A spouse wouldn't typically, unless they pass away, or there's severe emotional neglect
or abuse, and there would be a disruption there and seeking wise counsel and therapy
for that would be best in that situation for the best way to move forward.
Remember relationships can challenge, nurture, and grow us closer to God's love and heart.
If our relationships aren't, that is also a signal.
God is our number one, highest, securely attached relationship, so we seek him first
in all things.
As you navigate disappointment that is common in any relationship here on earth, remember
to prioritize yourself, your own physical, emotional, mental health needs, spiritual
needs, while also showing honor and respect towards the people in your life.
I can honor and respect my own self and honor and respect those in my life, and they might
also need other relationships and other resources to help their own growth and development in
building emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.
So as you navigate these feelings, remember your own values, nourish your heart, and reflect
that care and respect.