Hey everyone, welcome back to the HeartWorkForCouples Week 2.
Last week we talked about expectancy and faith and the power of a shared surrender and this
week we're going to talk about healing what we hide or the power of emotional honesty.
And so I'm excited about this week.
We're starting to move into things that are even deeper, even more vulnerable because
if we want to heal something, we have to heal it at the root.
We can't just look at the fruit, we have to look at the root.
And so this week we're going to hold up what I call the heart mirror and allow Holy Spirit
to show us what we need to see about our own hearts and about the heart of the relationship.
Because every relationship has two stories.
The one that we tell and the one that we're afraid to tell.
And most couples aren't hiding from each other, they're not deceiving each other.
They just don't know how to be vulnerable.
They don't know how to show the other person their full self because they've been hurt.
And so we hide without even knowing it.
But at some point in life, we have to step out into honesty.
We have to step out fully into the light.
And so if we want to truly experience God's best for our marriage and not just for our
marriage but for our individual lives and our life together, we have to be willing to
honestly look at what's been bruised, what's still tender and even what's been buried beneath
the surface.
We've got to let that stuff come up.
We call that a revealing for healing because you cannot heal what you continue to hide
even if you don't know you're hiding it.
But the beautiful thing is, is that the moment that we are willing to be vulnerable and bring
that thing into the light, heaven now has permission to address it and heal it.
And so let's get started.
I want to teach you guys just a little bit into what you had to cover on your own this
week.
So this week's reading assignment was chapter four, five, and six.
So make sure that you read that.
And then you take a look at the rest of the teaching in this video.
So first off, whether we realize it or not, we all communicate our internal world, not
just through words, but also through our habits and our actions.
Whatever we believe we become and whatever we become, we attract.
For example, if you shut down, it's because something in your heart doesn't feel safe.
That's what's happening.
It's not just because you don't have any words to say.
It's not just because you're a processor.
It's also because you don't really feel safe in that moment.
And so now fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, you're freezing.
Now if you get loud and reactive, we call that the fight reaction is because something
in your heart doesn't feel heard.
And so now you're raising your voice.
And if you try to control everything, it's likely because something in your history felt
out of control, possibly something in your origin family, maybe in a previous relationship,
maybe even at your job.
And if you completely withdraw, that's flight.
It's not because you don't care.
It's because you've learned to survive and not to connect.
And this is why trying to fix behavior doesn't work because behavior is just a symptom.
It's a symptom of something.
It is the fruit and we have to get to the root and the root is always in the heart.
The heart is always the source.
And so we don't fix it by distance.
We don't fix it by arguing.
We don't fix it by ghosting or walking away.
We fix it by healing whatever is causing that behavior in the first place.
We can't fix it by anger.
Fighting is not going to fix it.
It's not.
Anger is protecting.
Remember, anger is hurt and fear is bodyguard.
And so if anger keeps showing up, we have to dig down to where that anger is coming
from and avoidance isn't going to fix it.
You can't just avoid it and hope it goes away.
We have to face it and we can face it together if we trust each other enough to be vulnerable
because where there's smoke, there's definitely fire.
And so now it's time for us to really address that smoke before it becomes a bigger fire
because it doesn't have to, you know, the heart becomes that storage container where
all the pain is being stored.
And here's something I really want you to take in.
Your heart was created to bring life.
Life in your communication, life in your intimacy, life in your dreams, life in your unity.
Your heart should be the source of life.
But when we keep stuffing disappointments and regrets and shame and all different types
of things down in there, when we bury all of our unmet needs and we just say, ah, well,
if they cared about me, they would figure out what I need.
When we push our feelings aside and we don't communicate them, when we over-function and
try to make everything okay through controlling, we're not having intimacy.
We're robbing ourselves of intimacy because every time we hide hurt instead of healing
it, we lose a moment of connection that could have grown the coupledom, that could have
grown our connection with each other.
When you're vulnerable, it actually grows connection.
I know you feel like, oh, I don't want to be too much, but you're not going to be too
much.
We don't want to use our hearts as a storage unit for pain anymore.
We want it to be a birthplace of new life in our marriages.
And the only way we're going to do that is if we get really brave and we decide
that we're going to step out and let the other person really see us.
Remember into me see. So every reaction, every shutdown,
every emotional wall is connected to a belief that's beneath the surface.
For example, if deep down you believe that love always leaves,
you're going to keep your guard up. Even though you're married,
even though you've got a ring,
even though you've got a certificate that says that you're married to each
other and they can't just walk away.
If you believe that love eventually walks away,
you're never going to fully open up.
Even if love is standing right in front of you,
you're not going to let that person fully know you.
Now,
if you believe that you're on your own and no one else is really going to ever
help you,
you're not going to be able to receive help or comfort or emotional support.
Even if your spouse is trying,
if you believe that you have to be independent,
even when you're married and you don't know how to become interdependent,
because being vulnerable makes you feel weak and it makes you feel afraid
because if you don't take those walls down,
you're afraid that this person is not going to like what they see.
And so you force that person to climb the walls.
And when you're silent or you're secret with your wants,
your desires,
or even your needs,
what happens there is that other person starts to feel like you are just
withdrawing from them.
And then a lather,
repeat situation starts to happen.
I know that our comfort zones seem comfortable,
but they actually create distance and you can't build walls and expect for your
spouse to climb them,
right?
We cannot do that.
And a lot of times we'll even get busy doing something else so that we don't
have to work on the relationship.
Couples are notorious for busyness,
overworking,
scrolling.
That's a big one.
Just staying distracted.
Perfectionism.
Sarcasm can also be a sign that there's something wrong that you're not willing
to address.
If you're starting to become sarcastic,
self soothing patterns,
pornography,
let's talk about it,
right?
Social media,
just in general,
maybe friends running around doing other things besides working on the
relationship.
And these things are producing more and more loneliness.
They're not fixing loneliness.
They promise control.
They promise,
you know,
filling the void,
but they're actually robbing us of connection.
They promise relief,
whatever your self medicators are,
but they rob us of intimacy.
So the very things that we're running to for safety,
instead of the relationship,
end up becoming the things that keep separating us.
And so it's time to put all those things aside,
maybe even fast those things for a little while,
even the ones that are not evil.
Okay?
Some of those things are evil.
And if you have an issue with that,
then we need to dig in deeper,
like the pornography and the other self medicators,
alcohol,
but even the ones that are not bad or diabolical,
they can really keep us from becoming one and really working on what we need
to work on.
And so let's take a fast,
even from that stuff,
the distractions,
the extra friendships out here that we're always running around with,
instead of really focusing on what we need to focus on inside of the marriage,
really taking time to really be with each other instead of miles and miles
apart,
because we don't want to avoid confrontation because healthy confrontation is
part of a healthy relationship.
And I remember a couple that I worked with that they avoided vulnerability.
They avoided confrontation.
They were so proud that they never argued.
They weren't fighting,
but they also weren't connecting.
Anytime someone says,
we've never had an argument.
I'm very suspicious of that because if you live respectful,
you can also be living as roommates and not covenant partners.
Does that make sense?
It wasn't dishonesty that they were operating in,
but it was self protection.
So when they finally got honest with each other about how they really felt,
they had some arguments and that's good.
They had some healthy conflict when they brought up their fears and their
disappointments,
when they brought all their emotional truths out into the open and guess what?
What they were afraid of didn't happen.
It didn't break them.
It actually bonded them.
It actually brought them closer than they had been in years.
Honesty isn't going to hurt your marriage,
especially if it's expressed respectfully,
it actually will heal it.
And so this week is your invitation into that same kind of healing.
So right now I want to guide you through something very simple,
but incredibly powerful.
Do you want to do an activation with me?
All right.
So wherever you are,
take a deep breath,
sit with your spouse,
relax your shoulders and let your heart soften.
I want you to feel your heart just kind of softening up.
You're not guarded.
You're not afraid.
Now ask yourself slowly,
internally,
ask yourself,
what emotion have I been hiding from my partner out of fear or
pride?
What truth about my heart am I finally ready to share?
What kind of honesty would help us feel safer?
not smaller. Now look at your partner and speak this sentence to them. And I want
you to take turns doing this. There's something I haven't said because I
didn't know how you'd receive it. And then share one honest thing. Okay? Don't
get crazy. Don't share everything that you've been holding back. Don't share
your whole life story. Just share one thing. One thing that comes up when
you're doing this exercise. Don't dig for it. It's gonna come up. And when your
spouse shares, please do not fix. Don't defend what they're saying. Don't try to
explain or counter. Just let the presence of God relieve any pressure that you
guys have. And just feel relief that you're able to just live out loud with
each other. God, just help us bring these hidden places into that you're healing
light. Teach us to see and be seen without fear. Clean our hearts. Heal our
habits. Break the lies. Expose the counterfeits. And make our marriage a
safe, honest, and holy place where we both can feel safe to be fully ourselves. Amen.
Now let the silence just settle for a moment. Let your hearts breathe. Remember
you're not trying to fix. You're not trying to defend or help. If they shared
something really traumatic that happened to them or they shared something that
might not be that pretty on the outside, don't try to make it pretty. Just let it
be what it is. Now don't forget. Don't forget to do all of your reading
assignments. Make sure that as you're reading, you're highlighting anything
that exposes any kind of emotional pattern that you've been in, a hidden
pain that you've been hiding, any old beliefs, any lies that you've been living
out of, right? Behavior follows identity. Any places where honesty could be an
open door for healing in your relationship. And then journal about
those habits. Journal. Make sure that you're answering all the questions. The
heart work for couples only works if you do the work. It's the heart work and the
hard work. So make sure you do that truth-telling template and schedule that
five-minute honesty hustle, huddle, I'm sorry, huddle with each other. And this
week it might feel tender. It really might. But a tenderness, but tenderness is
a sign of healing. And next week, I just want you to get ready. We're gonna
continue to go into these deep dives. It's gonna be a little uncomfortable for
a couple weeks, but we're stepping into something even more powerful about
healing together. And we're gonna talk about forgiveness, not just for each
other, but for ourselves and for other people in our past. Reconnection and how
to move from surviving, not just in the marriage, but just in life to thriving.
It's gonna be deep, but it's also gonna be where lots of breakthrough and
miracles happen. So I'll see you in week three.