All right. So two different things that we can do here. So Jim and Phyllis, I'm sure
do not want to be the only students in this heart work for couples because then they're
going to get my full attention and maybe my full attention is too much. I think it could
be. Yeah. And so if you could turn up a little bit, you're a little bit low. Really? Yeah.
To me to ask you, I have you up. Let's see how you are. Okay. Am I, am I, am I too low
to you, Carla and Jeremy? No, you're okay. Yeah. You guys just had to turn mine up too.
Yeah. Perfect. All right. Okay. So I think what we're going to do that makes the most
sense is we're just going to do a little overview of what this heart work for couples thing
is all about, what we're doing with it. Give Jeremy and Carla and Brian and Megan and
whoever the couple is that you're bringing in a chance to catch up. Okay. And then we'll
do week one's coaching next week. All right. So if Phyllis, if you and Jim want to go on
to week two, week two has been posted today, so it is available in your app or you guys
can just, you know, hang out week one, process it a little bit more. And, um, okay. All right.
So let's go over a couple of things, shall we? Okay. So Phyllis and Carla had done the
heart work, Jim, Jeremy, have you guys done the heart work? Like the part work for reg
just for people, not for couples. Okay. Okay. I mean, I read the book we read. No, I was
talking to Jeremy. If there is a way for him to, can he somehow access the men's heart
work or because he's married, would that not work? No, he could access the men's heart
work and he can even go to the men's coaching stuff on Monday. It's not specifically for
singles. It's more of a men's group than it is a single men's group. Same with you. Is
that included in the monthly fee that I pay the 37 for him to go to? Like, if you wanted
to do that, she doesn't have access like on his, on the app, he only has that. Well, what
you're going to do Phyllis, because you're married, what you're going to do Phyllis,
because you're married is January 1st. Um, spirit, the spirit mates community is opening.
So you're going to transfer your $37 over to spirit mates and it's not 37, a person is 37,
a couple. And so that'll be a subscription. And so he can have access to anything that
is accessible in the program via the spirit mates community, including the men's group.
So once again, the men's group meets on Mondays, it meets tonight. Um, and it's at the same time
as this, but you guys will be graduated from this. So it doesn't matter. And it's powerful.
The guys meet they're really transparent with each other. David has, you know, other leaders
come on met male leaders that, you know, men just deal with different things than women deal with.
And it's a very safe space for guys to process. And it's a good thing. So I encourage both of
you guys to get involved with that. Once you're in the spirit mates community in January. Okay.
All right. Let's talk about heartwork for couples just briefly. So Carla and Phyllis,
you guys have taken heartwork before. This is not like that. Okay. It does have some of the
basic tenants of it. Meaning like the very first week of heartwork for couples is shared surrender.
You guys know that heartwork for individuals is supernatural surrender. So, but when you get
married, it's not just about one person surrendering. It's about both people surrendering,
right? Because if you have a marriage where there's one person that surrender, and I don't
mean to each other, I mean, to God, you have one person who surrendered and another person,
who's really not quite sure that they want to surrender for whatever reason.
That's where a lot of conflict comes in. David used to do something called yell at me in the
spirit, meaning that when he felt like he couldn't talk to me because I had too much trauma to hear
him, I was super triggered by something he was doing. And it isn't because what he was doing
was wrong. It was because it was poking something in me that was unhealed. And most of marriage
where there's conflict, you're just poking each other's orphan is what I call it. You're just
poking each other's orphan, the place where the person's unhealed, where they still have all
kinds of mindsets of scarcity and lack and rejection and abandonment, anger. Every time
you show up in anger, I want you to document that when you show up in frustration and irritation
and just straight up anger, make sure you document that because that means that you feel very unsafe.
You feel very unsafe when you show up in anger.
Because remember anger is fear and hurts body guard.
I learned this in psychology.
I didn't learn this in church.
I went to school to be a psychologist.
You're gonna see a lot of that throughout this course.
A lot of my psychology training,
because it's not all bad.
You know, we are spirits that live in a body
that possess a soul.
And that soul is that psychological space.
It's that heart space, that mind space,
that will and emotion space.
And it's the space that has all the junk in it.
And our body listens to our soul space.
And that's why we act out.
That's why we feel anxious and depressed.
That's why we have all kinds of issues.
And then our spirit, once we know Jesus,
it's the redeemed part of us.
But we don't often follow after our spirit,
the spirit following spirit.
We're usually following after our soul, right?
Making soulless decisions based on broken information.
So anger, this is what I learned in my psychology training.
And it makes sense.
And it's been proven to be true over and over again.
Anger is a secondary emotion,
meaning it cannot exist without a primary emotion.
And guess what the primary emotion is?
Fear or hurt.
Those are the primary emotions.
And so when we show up in anger,
it's because we're either afraid or we're hurting.
So I want you to pay attention to what hurts you
and what makes you afraid,
because that's why you're showing up in anger, okay?
So please individually keep track of your emotions
during this four weeks.
Please do not keep track of each other's emotions.
Do not say, oh, oh, you're showing up in anger.
Make sure you write that down.
What are you afraid of right now?
What are you hurting about?
And I'm specifically talking to Carla.
Because she's a coach
and she's got to take her little coaching hat off
in her marriage,
because that doesn't belong on in her marriage.
And Phyllis, you also know enough to know better.
And so we got to let these gentlemen,
we got to let them learn at their own pace.
Grace, truth, and time is what causes breakthrough.
Grace, which Jesus gave us all at the cross.
Truth, which has to continue to be applied
in order for us to finally realize it.
It doesn't, it's not a one and done.
And time, that's where the time comes in.
Got to hear it probably over and over again
before it sticks.
And that's just the way it works.
And that's the way it works for all of us.
None of us got to where we are
in any breakthrough overnight.
Okay.
What else do I want to tell you guys about this?
So when I read through my course afterwards,
and when I like started making the videos for the course,
I realized that this is not for couples.
It's just for married people.
I wanted it to be for pre-married people
and maybe even people that were dating seriously.
But I realized that I,
in order to make this really impactful for married people,
I have to put some stuff in it that really reminds people
of why they got together in the first place.
You don't have to have it.
This is not about having a terrible marriage.
This is not a crisis intervention.
Our work for couples is not a crisis intervention.
There will be some people that are crashing out
in their marriage, for sure, that get in this class.
But it is, the whole purpose of it is to connect
at a deeper supernatural level,
to let each other into a deeper level of intimacy,
specifically emotionally and mentally, not just physically.
We're probably all having sex.
That's not the point.
The point is, is that there's an emotional
and a spiritual and a mental place
where we can let each other in and trust each other deeper.
And then it's just unpacking or diffusing these bombs
before they go off and blow up our marriage and destroy it.
Because all of us have ticking time bombs inside of us.
And that's what I teach in heart work, the regular,
is that we all have stuff inside of us
that's just waiting for a spark.
And so David used to yell at me in the spirit
because I couldn't hear him in the natural
because I already thought I knew what was going on
because I was running an old play.
I was hearing a rerun from my mom, my ex-husband,
whoever had hurt me before.
And so he had to go out in the backyard.
I didn't know he was doing this.
And he would just say,
God, you better get your daughter.
She needs help.
She's not listening.
She can't hear me.
I love her, but she thinks I'm doing something wrong
to her and I'm not.
And I need you to help her.
I need you to get through to her.
I need you to talk to her because she won't listen to me.
She won't talk to me, you know?
And he used to do that.
And guess what?
By the time he reconnected with me,
maybe it was an hour later,
maybe it was half a day later,
I had humbled myself to hear
because I do hear from God.
And while he was talking to God about me,
God was talking to me.
And God was about the only.
man that I trusted at the time, even though I know he's not a man y'all, but he has male pronouns.
All right. Jeremy's having flashbacks of Simbas right now. Okay.
You know, I'm funny. You're going to have fun, bro. Okay. So, um,
So this whole course is about us really feeling safe to hear each other,
to remember why we came together in the first place and to learn some tools that will help us
have a deeper, more intimate connection, not just for ourselves, but for legacy. The fourth week of
this program is all about legacy. Like why are we together? And what do we want to build together?
What do we want to do together? And how can we start doing it now? Like, do we want to build a
we want to go after some societal ill and go after it and be champions and change the world?
Like, what does that look like for not just us, but our children? And I am going to do one more
product. Um, probably very soon I'm going to release it. And that is heartwork for blended
families. So that will be coming out as well. And I'm actually going to have my grown children be
part of that and talk about, you know, so for kids that want to show up, they'll, they'll be coached
by my 20 something years olds, um, from a place of what that was like when they were in blended
family as kids. Right. And so it's going to be good. All right. So since we're going to go ahead
and call it sort of a hiatus on coaching for the first week, I'm just going to really answer any
questions about the format, any questions, Jim and Phyllis that you might have that I can just do
hanging fruit on over, you know, anything that happened in week one that you didn't understand
that you need more clarity on, but as far as coaching coaching, um, for week one, I'm going
to go ahead and bump that to next Monday. And then David, David will be with us too then probably.
So that'd be good. Okay. Okay. So who's got questions about, um, it's laid out in four
you do one week at a time. You don't move ahead. In fact, for this very first go around, we're not
going to even post the next week's material until after the coaching session. So you have the whole
week to do it. It does have a lot of, uh, homework together because remember this is not hard work
for individuals, hard work for couples. And so you do the reading together. There'll be some
things that you think about on your own, but you'll come together and you'll do some activations
and it's going to, it might make, you know, something might come out.
I bet because I know what the material is. That's going to annoy one of you to each other.
But all I can say is what I say for the regular hard work, don't shut down
and you'll make it through. And if you do shut down and fall off, get back on.
Okay. We do have one question cause we kind of kept questioning it.
Um, while we were doing it was the, the week one homework is the step one. So circle,
what, um, circle one that describes how you most often see your partner. So that was like how
I'm viewing him or how I think he's viewing me. Well, you need to print out two of those and you
both need two of them. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, he's your partner and you're his partner. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, okay. Well, the next question says through your eyes,
how do, how do you see him through? Right. When I feel stressed, I tend to see you through a
blank lens. So that one, you still use, I mean, whatever word we think the lens is. And that
first, that circle one is how I'm seeing him kind of most of seeing my partner most of the time,
or is it just like, because I feel like that could be, you know, uh, different depending on
how I'm feeling. Are we, you know, getting along or are we not getting along? You know,
then that's why it says the majority of the time. Okay. Yeah. It's just the majority of the time.
How do I see them? Not, not, not, you know, I mean, it's not all the time. We can never say
all you guys. And that's one thing you need to learn that we don't ever want to, we don't ever
want to use the words always like you always, right. You never, you know, because that's those,
those things are not true. And so that's why that is about the majority of the time. Cause what
we're trying to get down to is what is your filter? Cause remember when you're seeing
your partner, you're not seeing them as they are. You're seeing
them as you believe they are in your heart, right? Yeah. Heart
filters. Remember heartwork? Yes. Yeah. And so that is what
this is about. It's about clearing off the heart lens so
we can see the person clearly. And so that's why it's important
for you to take inventory of how do I see them most of the time?
Do I see them? Do they do I see them as someone who's just
withdrawn most of the time? Do I just see them as someone who's
withdrawn from the relationship? Do I see them as someone who is,
you know, present and attentive? You know, doesn't matter if
every once in a while they fall off, they act out, they wild
out, of course, we're all going to wild out sometimes we're all
going to crash out sometimes. But the majority of the time,
how do I see them? Do I see them as dependable, reliable? You
know, that's what's important. And you might have something
right down there that's not that fun for your partner to
hear. But you guys, this isn't about criticizing each other.
It's not about playing the blame game. It's about really hearing
each other. Really hearing each other and we're going to do a
communication exercise later in the heart work that has to do
with us listening and understanding listening to
understand. And then after we've listened to understand,
then being able to give feedback because gentlemen, men have been
created to kind of fix stuff. And so when your woman is
talking, a lot of times you're immediately thinking about how
you can fix this problem and make it go away. So we can all
be happy again and move on. But most of the time, the feminine
just wants to be understood and just wants to be if necessary,
commiserated with for a moment. And so we have to listen to
understand what is it that she wants from me? Why is she
telling me this? And you may even ask her and I love I love
direct communication. I'm a direct communicator. So I will
tell David, I'm about to tell you something and I don't want
you to fix it. I just want you to hear what I'm saying because
I'm really pissed off right now. About it's usually about someone
else, not even about him. It's usually about was something else
that's going on. This is making me really mad. And I just need
to vent. I want to rant. I want to tell you about this. And then
after he's listened to understand what I'm going through
and he's offered me some comfort, then I'm open to him
fixing it. Because now he's listening to reveal, Hey, you
know what, Jackie, I think you're the villain of the story.
You have a bad attitude. And you know, you need to look at this
differently, blah, blah, blah. Or Hey, you know, I think that we
have boundaries with that, you know, with that organization,
and we're not going to use them anymore, like whatever the
business problem is. So we are definitely more able to respect
each other's input. If the person has listened to
understand first, because we all have wisdom to share. And how
can you really even give anyone any wise counsel if you haven't
fully heard out the problem? Right? Okay. And men seem to do
this a little bit more than women do. Unless, of course,
you're a coach, and then maybe not. And so it's going to be
really important that we just start really listening to each
other. And you know what, all of you have had people in your
past that didn't bother to listen to you. And that makes
you feel uncared for, whether it was a parent or a former
spouse, all of you have experienced what it's like to
just not be heard. Okay, we're gonna talk about self defense
mechanisms this month. And we're going to really try to not go
into our favorite ones. So if you'd like to crash out,
withdraw, hide, flight, freeze, fawn, fight. No, we're gonna try
our best to stay present. Okay. And if you start having trouble
in the shared exercise, because you just start getting angry,
then take a timeout. Remember, you're gonna go ask yourself,
why am I mad? What am I afraid of? What am I hurting about? Why
is this ticking me off so much? And then when you feel like you
can come back to it, maybe it's the next day, maybe it's the day
after the next day when you feel like you can come back and
really just do the exercise together without taking it
personally. That's when you do it. Okay. Because in week three,
you're going to give
your person, your partner permission to really tell you
things that they've never said before.
Not just about you, but about themselves,
things that they've just never felt a liberty just to share,
things that they need to really just get off their chest.
And so some of that stuff may be a little scary to you,
especially if you've, you know, just been
not really in a place where you can receive
that type of feedback, cool?
Okay, so just like the regular hard work,
it's not gonna be easy, but it is gonna be worth it.
And I know that by the end, when we get to week four,
which is all about legacy, it's all about building.
So this is about like kind of tearing out
some rotten pieces of the foundation
so that we can rebuild on it.
When you get to week four, you get to talk about dreaming.
In fact, week three and week four,
we get to talk about dreaming.
The first two weeks are a little rough,
but then we start talking about some really fun
and good stuff and what we wanna do together.
And it's going to,
I feel like this is gonna be transformational, cool?
Okay, all right, does anybody have any questions?
Go ahead, Ben.
Okay.
Ben, can you hear me?
Yeah.
I've kept one of the notes outside before,
but I don't think you were able to hear me
because the gopro mic was left.
Oh yeah, you actually are breaking up really bad,
but I can't hear you, go ahead.
No, I was just wondering, do you use a lot of words?
Like when you're communicating?
Do I what?
Can you hear me?
You are breaking up, do I get a lot of what?
Do you use a lot of words
when you're explaining yourself?
Like to...
No, Jackie, you know I talk, I can't stop talking.
I use so many words.
He's asking, do you do the same?
I think women do use more words than men.
But Carla, if you can work on simplifying
your communication.
Yes, that's what I've been trying to do.
Yeah, because you have a lot of hats.
You have a teacher hat, you have a coach hat.
You went to enough therapy of your song
that you have kind of your own, like you're a therapist.
Like you're not one, but you play one on TV kind of thing.
Like you have that hat.
And so there's a lot of big concepts and big words
and Phyllis and Carla both,
you need to understand that your guys,
neither one of them have been through the heart work,
the regular one.
And I guarantee you, Carla,
Jeremy has not had the type of input
that you have had for years and years and years.
And so let's just not expect people to have a PhD
in inner healing or whatever.
And men are simple creatures.
God created them that way.
It doesn't mean that they're not smart.
They're very smart, but they're also very simple.
Keep it simple, sweetheart, okay?
So if we want them to hear us,
we all have to keep it simple
and then take a breath
and let them answer one question at a time
instead of giving them a history of Confucius.
Yeah, I just didn't know if that was.
It's probably a female thing.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
We kind of have the opposite going on.
We kind of have the opposite thing going on.
Oh yeah.
Jim's the talker.
Yeah, but he's a talker,
but he's still his,
like when he gets down to,
you know, when he's telling me the whole thing
and he gets it down to,
if you would just do this,
he fixes the problem,
tells me what he wants, right?
If you would just do this, it would be fine.
So, you know, that's where,
so the simple thing is there,
but he is very, very smart
and very kind of in tune,
I think with his emotions,
I think more so than I am.
Okay, well, that's gonna be fun for you guys.
That's gonna be fun.
I've been married for a really long time.
Oh, see, so some other woman created what you have now.
But that's gonna be a great little switcheroo for you.
Yeah, it is a switcheroo.
Phyllis, you're gonna learn to open up and share more.
How about that?
Yeah, that's what I'm, that's what he wants.
That's exactly what he wants.
Yeah.
So been working on it.
Well, so this is good.
Even though this is, even though it's hard work for couples,
you are gonna probably get some hard work for yourself
as far as like, why do I do this this way?
Yeah.
So that's gonna be good.
Yeah.
So Carla for sure.
And Megan will be in the same boat as you
cause she's been to lots and lots of therapy as well.
We just have to make sure that we just keep those hats off.
Okay.
We're just husbands and wives here.
That's what we are.
We're not trying to, you know, show the other person
everything that we know about this.
We're just trying to just show up, do the, do the content.
And, and experience the closeness that it,
that it should bring and the unity that it should bring.
So you'll see a fun story in the,
in the little ebook that I wrote,
you'll see a fun story about David and I
and a shag carpet and a lost, a lost Ruby.
And yeah, it's, it's, it's a good story.
So Carla and Jeremy will see it too.
And you'll see the power of agreement
and you'll see what God can do when we get on the same page.
All right.
Cool.
All right.
Does anyone have other questions?
All right.
So guys don't race too far ahead
since we're going to do the coaching next week,
but two is up.
And if you want to take a sneak peek at you, you can,
but you know, it sounds like you guys didn't do that.
Didn't do that worksheet yet anyway.
So you guys can get that stuff done and that'd be good.
It's, we did it,
but we weren't exactly sure if we had like the right,
like the, got it here.
You know, I think the sentence on when you're stressed,
I think we got that one.
It was that first part.
Like, like, how do I see you the majority of the time?
My answer will change because of that clarification.
Okay.
And so that's better.
Yeah.
But the rest of it we did.
Did you guys do the activation too?
Yeah.
The huddle.
Okay.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Well, I can't wait to hear more about that
and hear how that went.
We'll have shared time since there's so few couples.
You guys, if you're wondering how long
the coaching sessions will be on Monday,
they won't be longer than 75 minutes.
Okay.
And a lot of that will be shared time
with you guys kind of sharing how the activation went.
It's not going to be a,
it's not going to be redundant reteaching of the,
of the, of the material you guys have to read.
You guys have to activate, you guys have to do.
And then that's going to really just be more of a time
where you can ask me questions, I can give you feedback
and you guys can share your experience
with that week's material.
Okay.
All right.
Look forward to seeing you guys next week.
Everything will be on the calendar.
See you soon.
Bye.
Okay.