or all right welcome ladies i'm so excited i will repeat so excited to be with you guys
at 12 o'clock on today um is there anyone here it's your first time i don't see anyone but i
could not have it on the right view um good good um so all of you that were asking about let's do a
little housekeeping then we'll get started all of you that um were the times and seasons is up in
the resource tab if you want to register for that once you register for the times and season they're
going to put you in another group and then all the information you're going to need is going to be on
the app but you're going to it's going to be in a different group you'll have access to that only
and have everything you need in there get started so don't worry about supplies don't worry about
anything they're going to have it in there for what telling you what you need everything yeah
you're registered it's going to be exciting you guys i'm excited too because i'm coming
and so bethany is an awesome teacher and so i'm excited um to be with bethany and be with all of
you guys um don't forget that we're doing pre-orders for jackie's new book it's going to
be amazing i don't care how much i go back and listen to the teachings all the time and it's
just good every time and so i only expect goodness and so that name of that new book is modern
dating sucks so we want you guys to pre-order it um even if if you if you don't if it's not
your forte let's just support jackie as a community she has been so so good to us and
so we're just excited to support her um if nothing else and then um you guys don't forget that um
carla and i always doing one-on-ones to support you to unpack things that can't get unpacked over
this live coaching session there are a lot of things that can't even get unpacked over
typing it on the wall and things of such sort so you know adding it to the community and we respond
there's just so much gets lost in the translation or the intent or the understanding and so don't
forget that and if it's not calling myself there are a list of host of coaches that want to help
you with some one-on-one sessions and did i cover everything anybody on here so some more ladies have
come in i'm ebony i'm not caller caller is not feeling well today and so i am stepping in for her
um is this your first time um being in any session if that's you just wave at me
okay if this year if you've never been to eight o'clock and you've never met me i am ebony i am
the coach at 8 p.m um i'm excited barbara it's your first time well i'm ebony i generally usually
always coach at 8 p.m welcome to phase 2 cynthia and barbara i always coach at 8 p.m and so anyway
i am a third grade elar teacher i live in austin texas i have not always been a teacher before i
went into teaching i was a life coach at a non-profit organization um before that um i
i was the director of a youth program for at-risk youth in inner city and then in between all of
that i was a business owner i owned a personal care agency and my then husband which is my
ex-husband we own a property preservation business and so ela is english language arts reading
and so i teach the students all of that um and so that's a bit about me i did this program about
three years ago i think three maybe we're going to a new year end up being four at some point
um and so it changed my life um i believe in it i believe in a revival of kingdom marriages
and i know for myself that this is a life-changing um program and it continues to change my life to
this very very moment and so i want you guys to know that i was just at chapter oh elar um i want
you guys to know that you're this is a life-changing moment for you and you'll never be the
same if you take these truths kick out the old bring in the new practice it your life will never
be the same i am a testimony of that so let's get started um this week am i missing something
let's pray father i thank you for these ladies i thank you for all of the goodness that you packed
on the inside of them when you brought them out of heaven and put them in their mother's womb you
knew that we needed them in this earth and so i thank you lord god as they journey with you they
begin to grow in the truth of the goodness that they are and that all of this earth needs them
in jesus name amen amen amen all right so today we're going to be talking about something that
is so very good and i know that you're going to enjoy it because i see what we
post on the wall, and all of us are the same,
even in our differences.
And so today, we're going to be talking
about confidence in overcoming insecurities.
That means the confidence, overcoming insecurities,
and how those insecurities that you deal with
are tied to triggers.
They're directly tied together.
And so who's excited about talking about that?
I just want to see, because I'm super excited.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that we all need some confidence,
and I think that all of us ladies struggle in that area.
And so we're going to kind of reach a little bit.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
We're going to kind of reach back a bit to hard work,
because it's ongoing.
It doesn't stop.
All of this is tied.
Confidence, insecurities are weaved
into the heart, which are weaved into identity.
And identity produces behavior.
And the behavior is what you see,
but it's tied to those things.
It goes back to the heart.
The heart shapes our identity.
And so let's talk about, what is confidence?
So confidence is the feeling or belief
that one can rely on someone or something.
Or in our case, the confidence in believing
that we can rely on ourselves, that we can trust ourselves.
It is the feeling or belief that we house the ability.
And then, what are insecurities?
Insecurities is your uncertainty or an anxiety about yourself.
Lack of confidence.
Do you see how insecurities and confidence, they go together?
Because your insecurity is a lack of confidence
in your ability in yourself.
And so it's not one without the other.
If the confidence is out, the insecurity is going to be there.
But the confidence is based on the heart and the truths
that you believe about yourself or the lies
that you believe about yourself.
So this is going to be more interactive.
And so we're going to put some things in the chat.
We're going to do some talking, because we want to kind of mull
through these things.
And we want to deal with the root causes
so that you can be empowered forever.
Empowered forever.
So when we have a trigger, we all know what a trigger is, right?
Somebody does something, it gets you all hot.
When we have a trigger, after today's session,
the goal is that you'll recognize when a trigger happens,
another flag is being, something else is being uncovered to you.
It's what you had in phase one called revealing for healing.
The flag is going out saying, hey, something's
happening in the heart.
It's not them.
It's not what they did and how they did it.
They did something, but that something
caused a reaction in you.
And the reaction is waving a flag at you saying,
come and see about me.
Come and see about me.
Something's happening on the inside.
Come in and see about me.
So this is what, let's give an example.
You're talking to a guy, right?
And everything's going good.
And then all of a sudden, he falls out the face of the earth.
What are your thoughts?
Type in your thoughts.
You're talking to this guy.
Everything's going good.
It seems promising.
He believes like you believe.
And this is really good.
He just stops talking to you.
Put in your raw thoughts of what you believe.
He doesn't like me.
Here we go again.
Could you give more feedback to here we go again?
What did I do wrong?
Yeah, anybody else?
I am more like, what did I do?
What did I even do?
I will replay that conversation over and over and over.
He's busy.
He has another girl.
Guy insecure.
He lost interest.
He's not best for me.
I like that iPhone.
He's not interested.
I must have done something, or he discovered something about me
that he didn't like.
Here we go again, as if I've invested
time that was wasted.
He's probably been chatting to others too
and chosen someone else.
You overthink.
He needs time to process.
He met someone else.
Rejection is God's protection.
It sounds good, but it sure don't feel good, does it?
So all of these things are happening in us
because someone did something.
The trigger has happened, and now you
begin to think most of these are negative thoughts
about yourself.
You immediately blame you.
You immediately take responsibility.
responsibility for something.
Why are you doing that, right?
Like, that's the real question.
I'm not questioning, like in our minds,
that's how we track down these things.
Like, why are we doing that?
Why did I just blame myself?
Why did I think something was wrong with me?
And then if I think, oh, he must've picked somebody else,
then that doesn't feel good either
because now it feels like he's chosen someone over you.
Is that right?
And so this sucks, like, oh, I wasn't good enough.
Right?
And so all of these thoughts are leading to something in you
and they are really good for discovery.
And I want you to think back
to your revealing for healing chart
that you got in phase one.
Who remembers that?
Revealing for healing.
Now, a lot of times when we're in our hard work,
we are so excited, we're so pumped up
because we're about to make this thing happen,
about to get a husband.
It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.
I'm confessing, I'm believing.
Yeah, I'm healed.
Damn, let's go.
Put me in phase two.
Put me in the game.
I'm ready to go.
Ah, yai, yai, yai, yai, yai.
You get to phase two and you find out
you gotta actually work the stuff you learned in hard work.
But I thought I was over this, is what you say.
I thought I did the hard work.
What the heck, God?
Where's my husband?
I did everything I'm supposed to do and where is he?
Nevermind the trigger that just went off in your heart.
Nevermind that you're struggling to believe
that you're worthy or that you're good enough
or that if somebody does something
that you're the blame for it.
Because everything that you learned in the hard work
is now what you're gonna be faced with in this phase
because now you have someone to trigger you.
Listen, people, especially people
who've been walking with God for a long time
and they've been single for a long time,
everything is perfect in your world.
So you think you don't have any triggers.
But if I give you some triggers,
we can reveal the issues of the heart.
You just let God do something
you didn't plan on him to do it that way.
How many times you put him in the judgment seat
and tell him what he should have did
and how he could have did and why he did it that way
and why you're not pleased.
Because that's what a lot of girls
who not in dating relationships deal with
or you have some family issue come up.
It takes something to rub against you to reveal the heart,
to reveal the wounds, to reveal the hurting.
And a lot of times when you're not in a community
that is equipping you with wisdom
and helping you understand the workings of the heart,
you don't even get to the bottom of it.
And so a lot of things we jump up to suppression.
Okay, it'll be okay.
The Lord is with me.
I'm all right.
We do whatever it takes to do to get us to keep moving.
You're not wrong for it because you don't have it.
The Bible says we perish for lack of knowledge.
Means it costs you when you don't have knowledge.
And it says, and the key thing is to get wisdom
and all you're getting.
And then it says, get an understanding.
And so you need wisdom, you need understanding,
you need knowledge.
And if you don't have knowledge,
you can't get to either one of them.
Because if you get knowledge, you get understanding.
When you get understanding,
you then operate in a level of wisdom.
But just because you don't get it,
doesn't mean you don't pay the cost.
Does that make sense?
You pay the cost, whether you get the knowledge or not,
you just suffer.
So we have something, it triggers us, especially in dating.
That's why the seven day challenge.
That's why get you out there.
That's why you're dating for discovery.
That's why every man you meet is not your husband
and get it out of your mind.
Because in this phase, we are training you for reigning.
You want to reign.
You want to be what, you want to attract who you are.
And if you don't work your muscles,
if you don't learn how to deal with things
and see the expression of your heart through your behavior,
then how will you attract the best for you?
You will continue to attract everything
you refuse to confront.
And it's no way around it.
It's not what you think that gets you where you're going,
is what you do.
And what you're unwilling to name,
what you're unwilling to confront,
you are unwilling to deal with,
it will deal with you whether you like it or not.
It can deal with you on this side
or deal with you on the side of I do.
I guarantee you, you don't want the pressure
that comes on the other side of I do.
I've been on that side of I do.
You don't want that weight.
You just don't know it yet,
because you live in a fantasy.
But you live in a honeymoon every day in your marriage.
The marriage you waiting on God for, it's a honeymoon.
You don't know it, you can't help it.
You can't help it, you just can't help it.
It's a honeymoon on this side. There are no problems. There are no concerns. Whatever it is. Your love will work it out
But it's not true
The same person you are right here is the same person that's gonna be at the altar
That's just kind of how it works
So, all right
So when something is happening to the heart remember we're going back to our revealing for healing when something is happening in the heart a trigger
Gives us that flag
Which all of this ties back that's why a lot of times you confuse you you believe that I'm not gonna make a good decision
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think I got it, right? Did I say it wrong?
I should have said it wrong. Oh my goodness. Did I do that, right?
How many hours did they say talk on the phone like those are real boundaries like, okay, you're learning those, right?
But like, okay, maybe I said something maybe I did something
Confidence your insecurities
They're all tied to something and they speak something to you about your heart and the purpose just reiterate of this session is to get
You to stop and take care of the heart when the flag goes off
okay, so
Where am I cuz I got a little bit
Get a little bit throw up there. Um, I want you guys, you know
You're I go back to these videos often because they are so good
But I want you to go back to your phase one content and look at your look
Listen to the information again. Those videos are like 14 minutes long
And I think I can listen to jacket like a tape recorder
Because I mean I could just play it over and over and over because it's so good to me
I am by innate the way
I don't know if a birth out of me or something happened
But I've got a hunger for truth and I refuse to live in lies. I refuse to live in bondage
There's a fighter in me that will not go down
And so I listen to truth all day long
I read truth all the time go back and listen to her revealing for healing. That's what we're gonna be talking about
Continuing that our confessions our repentance our forgiving
No, Carla will not be at the 8 p.m. I will be at the 8 p.m
She will be back next week though. She will night. So, um last day. I want to say bye to her
She's coming. Where are you going? Oh
This is my last day. Oh, you're going to face three. No, this is my last day
Yeah, I was hoping to say bye to her do you want to send her an email oh
Yeah, well
You got her email address. No
Okay, I'll give it to you. I want you to be able to tell her by because I would I'll come at 8 and tell you
That'd be good, but I don't want you to miss out on telling Carla back we love you Stephanie and so
We really I really she would like to to she would like to have that goodbye from you
I know her heart and we really love you. So, okay come to eight o'clock and then tell me why are you leaving?
Okay
What don't want you to leave all right, so let's keep it moving so
Let's talk about
Identity now in that video that I'm wanting you to go back and look at in this series. I don't know if you remember this
Jacket talked about when something is happening in heart. Something is happening to our identity
We behave based on our identity we perceive or see from our heart and not our eyes
Who remembers that that you see from your heart and not your eyes?
And so
There's a scripture that says that um, it's in your content for phase one. It is
The name of that video is revealing for healing
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and so the scripture says out of the issues of the out of the heart flows the issues of life
You can't override in your mind what your heart is convinced of
If you believe I can tell you that you're beautiful all day long
But if there's a lie that lives on the inside of you
If your mom did some damage to you if your dad failed to tell you that you were beautiful
If somebody failed to give you identity, I cannot convince you that you are beautiful
You can't put on enough makeup. You can't put on enough pretty clothes
Nobody can do anything about it because in the heart
Therein is a lie and it speaks to you and when the heart of convinced the heart is a
tool of belief
That's why we have it
The Bible says to guard your heart with all diligence for out of the heart flows the issues of life
So you put a seed in the heart Jackie talks about this
It's in your phase one.
You put a seed in the heart, whether good or bad,
it is going to germinate that seed and produce.
Oh yeah, you have to look under courses.
I'm sorry, Gail, if I didn't, it's under your courses.
It's gonna germinate and produce.
And so what does that mean?
Whatever's in there, it has to be identified and named,
like in your feeling for healing.
What is it that I'm hearing?
Track it down.
Why do I believe that?
What is the lie that I believe behind it?
And now we have the root and we pull that sucker up.
And then you have to always, always replace.
And now you work the new muscle
and you repeat this pattern of new beliefs
until it becomes your belief.
Okay, so I got a little bit ahead of myself with it.
So let's take another example of how confidence,
insecurity, all tied to the heart and that is tied,
which creates our identity.
Let's say, let's take my life.
I didn't know until I got in Jackie's program
that I hated men.
I didn't know that I hated men.
Let me tell you, I had a goal in mind,
but I didn't know this until I got in this program,
that all I wanted to do, I wanted a husband
and I'm a believer in ministry, in leadership,
but I wanted every man, my goal was,
I didn't know him, was to sit down at the table
and prove to them why they weren't good enough for me.
Because I had a deep seated belief
that all a man wanted from me was to carry him on my back
and I take care of him.
I had a deep seated belief
that men were gonna try to get over on me
and so what I had to do was be like a tape recorder.
Everything they said, I remembered.
So when you lie to me,
I'm gonna tell you what the truth is.
I'm actually waiting for you to lie to me
because I know the truth.
And so in my mind, I was gonna be so vigilant,
I was gonna make sure I guard and protect myself
because I had this deep seated truth on the inside of me,
some things I got from a father abandonment,
I got from things that happened against my body
that men did, I got from a stepfather that abandoned me,
I got from men around me.
So I gave them back what they gave to me
because that's all I had to give.
I didn't make a conscious decision to do these things
but my heart spoke for me.
My heart did what was needed.
So I learned that I had to protect myself
but I didn't realize I had come into a new place
or I was coming into a new place.
So the things I needed then, I didn't need now.
So we know all of those things, right?
And so I was very vigilant.
You weren't gonna get over on me.
So then you could say,
well, I've had men to treat me like that before,
you won't do it and I'm doing what's best for me
because they gaslighted me.
They were narcissists, they were this
but that's not the full truth.
The full truth is why did they do that to you?
They did it to you
because you didn't know your value or your worth.
They didn't do it to you because they were so horrible
because if you knew your value or worth,
they would have never done it to you.
And so if we live in the scenario
that somebody has done something to me above my control,
you will now come into this phase of the process
and believe that somebody is gonna get over on you
because you believe that it's them
and you don't realize that you had an active role
to play more of a role than they play
because the heart only is an instrument of belief
in your behavior,
you will follow what you believe about yourself.
And if you don't believe that you're valuable
and that you're worthy of love and attention and affection,
then you will allow someone to treat you a certain way.
You don't know that you're doing it.
They're not right that they were manipulative
but they had to have somebody to manipulate.
They had to have someone who was not aware enough
that when you met them, that they were gaslighting,
that they were love bombing you.
You were so hungry for affection and love.
You didn't know that this is unhealthy
for someone to call you baby the first day,
for someone to make plans for next year,
for someone to tell you, yeah, when we get together,
oh, I can see us together on the second date.
You didn't know that that's unhealthy.
You didn't know that relationships are supposed to be paced.
The reason you didn't know it
because you were hungry for love and affection
because you never received what you needed.
So you hunger for it and they gave it to you
and they gave it to you in large doses
because you long for it.
But then you blame them for the outcome
because you lack knowledge
because that's not how you develop relationship.
You like the terms of endearment
because you want to be chosen by someone,
but you never chose yourself.
Does that make sense?
And so, yes, they did something.
But in this process of what you're doing,
in this process of identifying the lies
that are operating in the heart
where this insecurity is coming from
that affects your confidence,
you deal with the root cause of what's happening.
And then you replace the lies
that you once believed with truth,
and you work that truth until it becomes you.
And now I don't have to go out walled up
because you might get over on me.
You won't get over on me because I have eyes to see.
I don't have to catch you up in a lie.
I know what healthy is.
I'm equipped with what is healthy, and this is unhealthy.
I understand health enough
that I'm aware of my own behavior.
See, you don't have to be aware of somebody else's behavior
as long as you're aware of your behavior.
It doesn't intimidate me that someone lies to me.
I just am able to call it a lie and say,
oh, wow, I see that you don't like to operate in truth.
I understand this where you are in life.
That's not where I am.
And so, for what it's worth,
it was great getting to know you, but we can't move forward.
And I don't think to myself,
oh, what are they gonna think about me?
Oh, should I say it nicer?
I am nice.
That's who I am.
Does that make sense?
Like, I don't have to wonder,
oh, what are they gonna think about me?
They should think that that's a powerful woman
and she knows what she wants.
They should think when you walk away,
wow, she told me I was lying, but she sure didn't judge me.
She didn't make me feel bad
because she's also been a liar before.
And she understands the space,
and she's lied to herself before.
See, awareness gives you,
awareness of self allows you to have grace for somebody else
because you too were in a place of growth.
And you don't feel that you have to carry them
as a responsibility,
but you can release them to continue growing without you.
You don't have to teach them.
You don't have to help them.
You know where you're going,
and you're headed to a love story.
You're in dating for discovery to work out some muscles.
I don't have to have a scarcity of mindset.
I can release you freely.
And that's what happens.
So this is what we wanna do.
We can't turn our facts into truth.
And this is something that is talked about in phase one.
And in phase one never stops.
That's the beauty of phase two,
that you realize that you're now practicing
what you learned in phase one, right?
And so in phase one,
one of the things that Jackie talks about in that particular
One of the things that Jackie talks about
in that particular video revealing for healing
is taking our facts and making it true.
So, Justina, she's not on here,
but she posted from one of the activations that we did.
She said, you know, for so long,
I believed that a man always wants something.
So if I do something, he wants something in return.
So I'm not gonna let him pay for my food.
Cause if you pay for my food,
he's gonna want something back from me.
She said, that's what I believe.
She said, but when I asked that man to help me,
he helped me so happily.
He didn't want anything back from me.
She said, but all my life, my mama taught me that.
All my life I believed that about me.
So she took her fact and made it a truth.
And she lived by that truth.
Any of you guys,
none of you think about ever taking a fact and made it true?
You've experienced it.
You may say so many times, but you know,
you just one person.
So maybe you experienced it three times.
You could be the common denominator.
You are the common denominator, but hey, let's say,
every guy you meet does the same thing to you.
And you see this behavior in a man and you say,
this is how all men are.
And you take a fact of what happened to you
and you make it true.
What we're about to do is we're gonna release ourselves
from some of these things that could be a fact in your life,
but they're not the truth.
And we're gonna release those things.
Because even as Jackie teaches in that,
even in that session, we cannot, oh good.
We cannot erase what happened to us.
You can't do it.
It happened, but you can replace it.
It doesn't happen.
to be erased. We can just replace. Life is all about replacing. You don't even want to erase
because you're a testimony. Do you think if I erase the things that happened to me, I couldn't
even share things with you right now because it was erased. But it can't be erased. And we have
to stop giving power to things that should be replaced, giving it power to dictate our life to
us now, meaning the power to dictate our confidence, the power to tell us this is who you
are because that happened to you. We're going to replace some things with the new truths that you
have learned and you're going to work those new truths in repetition until they become who you
are and you're going to be that thing. And so we do this. We replace by first confessing
and repenting and replacing. So why do we do that? What is repentance? Now, if you know scripture,
you know that in some scriptures in the Old Testament, they would repent, put ash cloths
on their head. They had to be really sad because this is the way you have to be when you repent.
But repentance within itself is an opportunity to turn from one way into a new way. Repentance is,
wow, God, I've done this my way the whole time. Here's the truth that's up for grabs.
I'm going to repent for partnering with that lie and I'm going to pick up the truth.
You guys, one of the saddest things that can happen is that you can live in a land of truth
and bypass it because you think your way is better. That's called pride.
And it's called foolish when your way has never worked and you bypass proven results to hold on
to your lie that is keeping you in prison and will keep you in prison for the rest of your
life. For the Bible said it's the truth that sets us free. Lies put you in bondage and what happens
is you become, you feel safe. They serve you in two ways. You feel safe behind them because now
you can't be hurt, but then you lose because you never taste freedom and the power that comes with
it. You will believe that life happens to you and everybody's doing something to you and you're
going to keep attracting that. Who you are, you attract. If you believe, if you can look over
your life and see a pattern that men always show up the same way, it is not men. It's you.
People cannot do to you what you do not allow and that is a real solid thing. I know a woman
who is now married 20 years and her husband calls her an idiot. He calls her stupid. He puts her
down. He treats her like trash and she keeps saying to me that he needs counseling.
I said, really? And that's her prayer that he would get help.
I said, and then some of my other friends are like, I can't believe he talks to you like that. I said,
no, I'm not mad at him. I'm not mad at anybody. I don't have offense with him. I said, but I'm
telling you, he doesn't need help. You need help, but that's what happened when we believe we're not
worthy of love and goodness. There's a belief system within her that doesn't believe she
deserves better. This is the same woman who believed God for her husband.
It's us. That's us believing God for her husband, but don't want to deal with the issues of the
heart. It puts you in a posture that you should not be. And it puts you in a posture to allow
abuse to happen in your life. None of you woke up and said you wanted a man to abuse you.
Talk to you any kind of way, lie to you, leave you broken and hurt. But it was something on
the inside at work within us that allowed for things to happen. And only the only person that
has to undergo surgery is us. And everything around us changed, not just about a man. It'll
be how the way someone talked to you on your job. It could be about a family member. It's all the
same. One principle works all the way across the board. The same principle flows all the way
across the board. And so this is what we're going to do. Because we can't erase, we don't have to
erase. We don't want to erase. Our testimony is what's going to help somebody else. We're going
to replace today. So we're going to do a little practice. And then I'm going to speed up because
I know we have questions, but let me speed up. This is the activation also. You're going to do
it similar when you get home. But I want you ladies to ask the Holy Spirit. This is what
you're going to do right now. There's a grace for you to hear. Ask the Holy Spirit.
What lies do I believe in my heart
that you are ready for me to release?
Just need one.
What lie am I believing in my heart right now
that you are ready for me to release?
What lie am I believing in my heart
that you are ready for me to release?
If you get that lie, type it in the chat.
If you feel like you're not getting anything,
maybe you already know something, check out the chat.
We are more like than we know.
And once you type it, if you have it,
once you type it in the chat, I want
you to ask Holy Spirit, say, ask Holy Spirit,
why do I believe this lie?
That's a good one.
That people won't pick me, that I only attract
men who won't love me.
Yes, so good.
That I'm not worthy of finding love again.
Yes, so good.
Wasting my life in churches that don't.
She kind of, that is, it's not supposed to be funny,
but that's a really good one.
Yeah, the lie that I believe is that I've
wasted my life in churches that don't have enough men.
That no man would treat me right or choose me.
That I'm too old to find a good husband.
I'm not worthy of a good one.
So Cynthia, is it that I am good enough or I'm not good enough?
Everyone else needs are more important than mine.
My life was wasted and abused me and I'm too old now.
And now go ahead and ask Holy Spirit,
why do I believe this lie?
Mm, so good.
Sometimes when you say, why do I believe this lie,
you may hear yourself talk back to you and be like,
well, cause it's the truth.
If this, if this, if that,
cause you remember we said we take our truth
and we elevate it to a fact.
That's something to be discovered.
Mm, so good.
That should have just been said so I would be,
I don't know, I missed a little bit, I missed the time.
I don't know if y'all notice the trend in this.
Most of all of these, no matter how they're souped up
is I'm not good enough.
I'm not worthy.
For whatever reason, you missed the timing.
The enemy doesn't have any new tricks.
He uses the same lies on all of us.
They're almost every last one of these I can relate to.
Like it touches somewhere in me.
So even the youngest person says the same thing
that the oldest person says, nobody will want me.
You just have a different reason why they won't want you,
but both believe they won't, nobody wants me.
Y'all see that?
How is it that your reason that you feel is so justifiable
is the same lie that somebody else believes
and they've justified that lie, they're fortified.
But it's the same thing.
Because ideally if I believe, oh, I'm past that now,
like nobody wants somebody with children
or if somebody is too old,
if I just was younger, it'd be better.
But then the young person turned around and say,
nobody wants me, nobody likes me.
And then they have, but it's the same rule.
God has used my ways to like to help women
in the same situations, my mission.
So we've gotten out these lies
because of the church culture, family culture.
Yes, why do you believe that that's a really good one?
Because of the church culture, family culture,
you guys, it's a culture of society.
Women are programmed to stay looking young
and keep looking young and don't let your skin wrinkle
because if you do, nobody's gonna want you.
Yeah, that's what culture sings to us.
Codependent thinking, that's good.
And once you, even if you didn't get a chance to track down
why you believe that in your quiet time,
ask Holy Spirit, why do I believe this?
It's gonna reveal it to you.
This is your revealing for healing cycle.
And then what I want you to do is
once you've identified it as a lie,
I want you to say, I repent for partnering with this lie.
And we can do this right now.
Let's do this right now.
Now, Father God, I repent for partnering with this lie.
What is your truth about me?
And write that truth down, put it in the chat if you want.
What is your truth about me?
That's so good. I'm lovable. I am whole.
That's so good to share. I am precious. Oh, I love it.
I'm worthy. Yes, he chooses me and puts the right people in my path. So true.
I deserve to be loved and cherished.
I'm a valuable daughter of the king. Yes.
Yes. So good.
Yes, just right on time, pursuing things because now I'm pursuing God.
I'm not alone. Good. I'm beautiful and worthy just the way I am.
These are also good. If they pop up in you, just continue dropping them in.
I'm going to post our activation, which is very similar to this in our community wall.
And as you get truth, I'm beautiful and worthy.
As you get truth, as you receive life, post them, encourage the community.
This is encouraging for me. If you guys are watching this chat,
I know it's going to be encouraging for you as well, because you see that you're not alone.
Every, there is no place of ultimate healing. There's a place of, I see a root, I pull it up.
I replace it with truth. I work that truth until I make, until it becomes who I am.
So that when the trigger comes, it hits up against the truth.
And then I say, this is why I say, this is an everyday things for me.
Hear me. I say to myself, why did that upset you?
I do not say, I can't believe I literally, so trained in me. I say, why are you upset?
Somebody, I have a roommate and it was, it was, we need to make change of money.
And she requested the money from me and I got offended. I said, why would she request money
from me? Have I ever not paid you on time? Have I ever, like I started going through all
these things and it hits something in me. And I said, I, what I wanted to do is I,
I feel safe when I confront people. I'm confrontational because I feel safe when the
elephant is taken care of. I'm not going to sit in a room with you with an elephant in the room.
I can't do it. I feel so unsafe. So I will sit down and say, let's, let's talk this out because
but I knew it wasn't her. It was mean. It was mean. Cause when she sent it, I had forgot all
about it, but I wasn't, I wasn't late. It wasn't that issue. I don't know why she sent it, but it
was mean. Why was I so angry? I could have just said, oh, okay. She requested it. But why was I
so offended? And I dealt with the offense in my heart and I called up my sister. I'm like,
this is what happened. We got to figure out what's happening in my heart.
I have, I have people that I'm accountable to. I have people that I say, we got to find the lie.
People who get to sit in the inner course of my heart are people who go after the lies that I
believe. So when I get on the phone with them, when I talk to them, I say everything I'm thinking,
every single thing. And their job is to find the lie because they know. And I know there's
a lot of living there, but I can't find it, but they will. In one of my confessions, I can't
believe. And they did say, I, when you start talking about what they did and they did,
the Bible says that the enemy is the accuser of the brethren. It is the enemy who accuses.
It says that love covers a multitude of faults. When I hear an accuser in my head, I figure out
what is this going on? I'm not just going to slap a scripture on and keep walking. No, no, no, no,
no, no. I'm going to get to the bottom of this because I'm not going to be bamboozled because
at the same time, the enemy is robbing me of my peace. And it's not going to stop replaying
in my head. I know me. And so I just said, you know,
Now, I know I took more time to do this,
but this is necessary because most of you
guys are posting how you don't trust yourself.
You don't trust yourself because there's
something happening in the heart.
And it's not in every area, but you're
in a highly triggerable time right now
because it's time to practice what you got healed
or what you worked on so that you can fortify
those areas in your heart.
And to be fortified in this phase
is going to produce fortification in marriage
because you're going to be offended all the time.
And you're going to really believe in your little heart
that your husband should be a replica of you.
And it's not true.
The same way you don't keep friends around
that are not like you.
Right?
We have this belief that everybody around,
we're just right.
And if they just do it the way we say it,
they'll see that this is just right.
It's just not how it works, people.
OK?
And so this is your activation.
I'm going to post it, but I'm just
going to say it to you right quick.
And then we're going to take some questions.
And you can have questions about this, something
that you struggle with, something
you want to help navigate.
So I said, I want you to spend time praying this week.
And this week, you're going to show,
you're going to ask the Holy Spirit,
show me where I'm lying to myself.
You know that kind of lie that you don't know you believe,
but I'll tell you the lie, that when you get the husband,
everything will be just OK.
And that's why you sit in the judgment seat.
You put God on trial.
And you say, why haven't you gave me my husband yet?
Because I did everything I should.
You believe that a husband is a reward of you not having sex?
You believe it.
You believe that this is the reward you get
for doing things the right way.
Husbands aren't rewards.
You live rightly because it affords you a good life.
If you practice the principles of God,
it gives you a life that you would not
get if you were practicing other principles.
It gives you peace, right?
So some things you have to get straight.
You're not working for God to do something
and give you a husband.
Deal with that fact, that a husband is not a reward.
It's the order of things, right?
So those are sometimes when we're lying to ourselves.
We don't even know that, right?
Where are you partnering with religion?
You could ask Holy Spirit that.
You can ask Holy Spirit to show you
whatever accusations or confusions that's
happening in your heart.
But at the bottom line, you want to show, show me,
Holy Spirit, what lies am I believing that it's
time for me to release?
When you get that lie, I want you to,
I post a revealing for healing chart, too,
if you don't know how to get to it.
But it's in your phase one content.
I want you to just follow the little lines.
You ain't got to do all of them.
You could just do one of them.
Follow your little lines.
Go around there.
And then I want you to pull back out your Jesus Cares board.
Who remembers Jesus Cares?
Take your new truth or whatever you got
and put it on that Jesus Cares board
so you can keep looking at it because Jesus Cares
and so that you will partner with him
to see the fruition of what you are investing in
and watch it come to pass because it will come to pass.
Okay?
There's a guarantee on the truth that it makes you free.
All right?
And then, yeah.
And so I'll post it so you can have it.
All right.
I think, don't know.
I think it was Gail, then Karen, then Stephanie.
But go for it.
Gail?
Yes.
You told me to come and talk to you about my post.
Yes, Gail.
I screenshotted it.
And you know at the time I didn't even know
that I was going to be on One O'Clock.
Where is?
I screenshotted all the posts I want to remember.
Just seen a Gail.
He does exhibit, but at least he doesn't have any virus.
Tell me why you're not physically attracted.
So I'm going to catch you guys up real quick.
Gail is dating this guy who brings her a gift
every time he sees her.
You know that makes me excited.
But anyway, he's not, it's true.
Each time he brings her flowers or a book or a small gift,
he appears very kind and nice,
but he's not physically attracted to him at all.
He does exhibit the fruits of the spirit,
but admits that he doesn't know many Bible verses.
Now, so she's contemplating, should she go on?
Tell me what about him physically aren't you attracted to?
Well, I wouldn't call him handsome.
I guess, I don't know.
I just am I I try to sit there and visioning myself giving him a kiss or some giving him a kiss
I mean, I'm it's too early for it, but I know it repulses me
Okay, is it his teeth? Is it his? No, what is it? Is his is what is it?
Too big for you be honest. You just saying what's right? Well
He has glasses he
He's his face is
Maybe I'm watching too many Hallmark movie. No, I'm just joking, but I don't know. It's just he
His face structure
His nose structure
His like very outdated glasses. I know he needs a woman to show him right you're gonna say that but
He has I am very active and he's got kind of like a
big belly
mm-hmm, and I
I
Think that's just it. I just I just try to think of myself. Could I kiss this guy?
It's like no, I mean it was kind of like is repulsive and it's not like he's
Deformed or anything. It's just
Well
but yeah, he actually my daughter owns a cafe daughter and son-in-law own a cafe very close to me and
Yesterday he wanted he just said let's go out to breakfast and I see he said where can we go again?
Because it's to be our third date and I said I so I checked with my daughter. Is it okay if I bring a gentleman?
to the cafe for breakfast because it's the best breakfast in this area as far as I'm concerned and so didn't he come with a
Bunch of flowers for her
So he gave me like a wrapped up
Book and he gave her
You know a bunch of flowers with roses and different kinds of I mean, it was a bouquet of flowers
Of course, she was totally enamored
Yeah, he's so kind but he is
Very polite. Yes, ma'am. No, sir, you know very polite. I
Haven't found anything in
In the you know as far as I haven't found any yellow flags except I'm not physically dragged to him one
the second thing is
He said to me yesterday he said, you know
I go to church and everything, but I don't really know very many Bible verses and I guess in my mind
I feel I'm so tired of men
That are baby Christians are just not sold out kind of even though he's got a lot of fruits of spirit
I would say he's a very good moral person and he does go to church
But I'm like a nerd when it comes to the Bible and scripture and studying and
You know, he's into football, you know, I'm just giving you the real thing he's all into the Buffalo Bills, you know
And I would rather be sitting and reading my Bible. And so I just wonder can we relate emotionally and then the honest and then also
I'm retired
I'm 72. I'm retired. I would love to travel
He's 70s and he says he's gonna work all his life he works for Amazon and
He said I'm gonna work for all my life. So, you know, and I don't mind doing day trips, but
In so financially he's not in the same position as me with time and finances
So, I don't know. I just I would I don't know if they're yellow flags. I don't know if I'm being too judgy
Yeah, well
So I thank you for being completely honest Gail and I think it is important that we
Be as completely honest with ourselves as possible. That's why I told you let it all out
This is not a judgment zone
I believe that if you find it where you are simply fit
I would have pushed some but some of the I would have pushed some because
Okay, every person is different. So I make post deal a little different than I will coach you
There's not just one thing about him
I think maybe some of your even more major concerns will be the fact that he's gonna work his whole life
You're retired he's not financial where he needs to be and you're in retirement right now
So he's not financial what he needs to be in your retirement
Carmen, they can speak some more things to you
because you're partnering with him.
He's coming into a marriage.
You're not going to come out of retirement to go back to work.
You're not in your 30s where y'all are working and getting
it and competing.
You know what I'm saying?
You've retired, settle with what provides for you.
Those have a weight to them at a retirement age.
Those are really big, important things.
I think that attraction can grow.
That's a real thing.
And sometimes we'll just say, oh, I'm not attracted.
It doesn't matter to me.
I'm not keep talking if I'm attracted to you.
But you'll be amazed at how you can take a man who's fine,
and if he treats you like crap, he won't look so good anymore.
You can go marry that fine man, that six-foot-four man,
and he can be everything that everybody want.
He probably will be everything that everybody want.
You know what I'm saying?
There is a level of weighing that you
have to do with attraction.
Because in a little while, your skin going to sag,
his skin going to sag.
In a little while, everything is going to kind of fluke.
So there is a weight to be had on it.
And I'm saying that not for you, girl.
I'm saying that for us to put a measure here.
This concept of, I'm just not attracted.
I'm just not attracted.
Look, you don't let a man who's sold out to righteousness
if he's masculine, mature, and marriage-minded
pass you by over attraction.
Look at what the attraction is.
Look at what can be worked on.
And so, and girl, this is a side coach.
This is not directed towards you.
So I think there's some heavier matters with you,
girl, than just his looks, I think, for me,
if I had to process it out.
If a man is, I was dating this guy.
He was a marriage-minded guy.
We had to go our ways in our community to agree with it.
Not because either one of us, all of us cried.
But when we were getting to know each other,
we were into the second month,
and I knew it was marriage-minded.
He, I didn't notice it at first,
but then I looked at, like,
I have an issue with buildup on teeth.
I don't take it personally if you got buildup on your teeth
because I'm not trying to date you,
but I'm talking about me.
And when you have plaque buildup that's hard,
they have to kind of send you
to another type of dentist to get out.
I take dental hygiene very seriously
because of my own journey.
I said to him, because I know that can be fixed,
I explained to him my heart about dental hygiene,
how far I've come, and what that means to me.
And because both of us were marriage-minded,
I wouldn't want to raise my children up in a home
where we care for our teeth.
Dental hygiene or anything about your hygiene
or about the way you look on the outside
speaks to how you feel about yourself on the inside.
I understand root causes of things.
And if you can walk around with your teeth nasty
and your clothes dirty,
I'm not finna look at you like,
ugh, you need to do something.
No, no, no, no, something's happening in the heart,
and Ebony's gonna marry the heart.
It's the heart that I'm gonna be in a marriage with.
And so then I have the conversation in a gentle way,
respectful to a man, and say,
hey, this is my journey with dental hygiene.
And his breath was stinking.
So even when we were riding in the car,
I had to crack the window.
Now that ain't gonna work.
That's not working for me.
And so I had to get in the lane and let it,
I'm like, hey, your breath stinks
because you have all that buildup plaque.
Plaque is bacteria that sends off a smell.
How do I know I had bad teeth in my mouth before?
They gave off a scent.
I have a no-kissing rule anyway.
I don't kiss until I do.
That's just me because of my background
and where I come from
and what I've had to battle through.
But I wasn't finna kiss him
even at the altar with that stank breath.
That wasn't gonna work.
But he's a good man,
and so I was willing to have the conversation
to see what he would do to deal with it.
I ain't tell him what he need to do.
I just told him my preference.
You know that boy went to that dentist, and he did.
And he got the treatment.
And he got that stuff off his teeth, and he did.
And he got all kinds of stuff done.
So I'm just saying, some things can be fixed, right?
You're a little chunky.
I can tell you that I value health.
You can watch how I eat,
and I can ask you, is this something
you'll be willing to get on board with?
Because we can lose that little weight.
So some things can be adjusted, right?
I'm sorry you got to dip out too,
but some things can be adjusted.
That's all I'm saying.
So Gail, back to you.
If this is a no-go for you, it's a no-go,
and I hear your heart,
and I think it's time you had that conversation with him.
So you think the major thing
is the living financial situation then?
I think it has heavy weight,
but all of it is making your decisions.
Okay.
And the fact that you're repulsed for some reason you're repulsed when you look at him and you think about kissing him
That's a really good marker, you know, because there has to be a level of physical attraction
It has to be um
but physical attraction doesn't outweigh when you're in the process of getting to know a person like you have to get to know a
Person because sometimes what they carry will outweigh and you'll be like, oh, well, you know his nose a little big but it's okay
All right, you know when you find out you got somebody that's really good on your hand
Yeah, I don't know, you know, you have people in your life and you look and you look I don't even know
They look like they I remember I used to be closer to 400 pounds and people will still tell me now
We look back at the picture. It's like I didn't know you look that way because you don't see that you see people
And it's like I did not know you were that big and I'm like, yeah
Well, how did they not know?
Looking at me every day, right?
But they saw a person and so if this is to this place you on the third date
We practice is a yes until it's a no you have given it the time you share with him that he's treated you
Well, every good man doesn't mean he's your man. I want to tell y'all
God sends some men into our life because that's the issue when you measure them back. Is he the one?
I don't waste my time. Is he the one is he the one is he the one he ain't the one
I don't waste my time. Well, but he can be the one that God seems to restore you
To show you that you can get flowers that you are chosen that you are worthy of a gift
for no reason
Right, and those are restorative things that God sends along our way and that's why dating for discovery is such a joy
It's so much fun because you can take that as restoration and not think well
Maybe the Lord telling me he is so really good. Maybe I'm just this maybe I'm just there
no, no, no, you got to put things in perspective and see them for what they are and
This was a restorative moment for you Gail. This says you are worthy
You don't have to give something to get something
You can just show up and be Gail and you're worthy of flowers
So I believe that the Lord was giving you your flowers that you so rightfully deserve and I want you to hold on to the
Experience and then it says the bar for the next minute
Sometimes God has to come along and get me to set a bar in our life. Literally. He did it for me
Somebody that comes back and set the bar and put the standard where it should be
You were so used to operating at a low standard with me and now he's coming along in this phase to set the bar
Come on, this is where we are
This is what we're working with. This is where I need you to be because if you don't get here, I can't bring that kingdom, man
You don't even have eyes for him
Right, and so thank you for sharing that Gail
All right, um Karen
Yes, oh that's awesome
Just want to give that feedback. I'm learning so much all the time
At a heart level, I love it. I love it. I love it
Yeah, I just want to do a quick what's been happening and any input
And hi, I think that's the first time I've seen you face
Yeah
And actually I think he responded to something. I wanted to just take a super short time and just say
I've been applying this to a church situation where I've needed and it's very clear. I've had a lot of validation
I've needed to speak the truth and love to some leaders who had some dysfunction that was significant enough and all that and
Just Sunday and for Saturday and Sunday. It became clear. I
Need to move on and and so I just wanted to mention that because I've been applying this there and I'm actually I'm in a process
Of grieving the loss because I have a lot of heart connection and I'll continue with some of the people
But I just wanted to mention that because that affects dating I'm just going slow
You know, okay, so that's one thing. Um, the other is I've been getting to a really awesome, man
I do have some hesitations
But we're getting together today for the third time. We've done the FaceTime and the you know, everything else whatever but I mean and
So, let's see, what did I write down?
The main thing is
Is I get oh, oh, I just love a whole lot of what's happening. I love a whole lot of what's happening
I mean, he just see he just has real godly character
Both assertive and also very sensitive, you know kind of what you all call the divine feminine and masculine
I actually I found out through e-harmony. I tend to have more of what are traditionally called the
Traditionally called the masculine qualities just because of how God made me like a Deborah
And he tends to, he was a, he's a retired elementary school teacher, he tends to have more of what is traditionally called the feminine qualities, but we're both fully, I'm fully feminine, he's fully masculine, we're just, you know that.
So anyway, the main thing I think is, you know, just, just, you know, what, what do I need to do now.
We're getting together today. And I think that, you know, one of the things that's coming up in my heart, I'm two things. One is, I'm aware, it's like the whole physical attraction thing.
It's like, I've come away and I journal afterwards. And I journal, it's like, he seems too old. He just, I don't, wrinkles, he's got wrinkles, he's got more wrinkles. And I'm somebody, I'm, people tell me, where are your wrinkles, Karen, for, you know, I'm 67.
Okay, so I don't want that to be the whole thing. But anyway, I'm going to ask some of these questions, like, could I enjoy kissing him? Just, I'm not doing it. I'm just asking the question.
And also, here's the one main question for today is, we've gotten together and had a great time, like walking in nature together, a park, different things like that, talking about all kinds of stuff.
And I actually, I choose him as a friend, because he is like, he qualifies. And I'm careful in friendship. But I want him to ask me to, to like, you know, well, anyway, I'd like to go to lunch or something like that with him and have him offer to pay.
So I'm kind of navigating, how do we do this? So I think, because I just, I just, you know, we, this is a third time. And, you know, we're gonna probably go in nature unless it's raining. I'm thinking just suggest next time, hey, why don't we go to a healthy restaurant for lunch for something different, and then just leave it to him to see what he does in terms of offering.
I just want to make sure he's stepping up and doing his part. And he has initiated plenty. You know, I mean, and he's very assertive. I love it. I love it. He's very assertive. Anyway, so there we are.
How old is he?
He's about four and a half years older than me. He's 72.
He's 72. And what has he initiated?
Different things. Like, he was the first one to like me. He's initiated, like, texting stuff. Just, I forget everything. But I have, I have it written down. So I'm watching for that. Just initiated getting together.
Are you telling him that you want to spend your dates in nature? Is there something you're saying that makes him believe like, okay, because men will do what the woman likes. So when you do it.
I've noticed that.
Men do what you like. That's just the nature of a man. It's like, oh, whatever she like, I'm gonna keep doing it.
Right. I've noticed that.
Yeah, they're very simple.
I've noticed.
Yeah, I think, I think, actually, like today, and I think last time I said, so what would you like to do?
Okay.
Well, I asked him. Well, he said, like today, he said something about, you know, walking again sounds good, because we both like to do that, you know, in nature.
Okay. And so then what you can say, Becky's, you know what, I'd rather, let's grab a bite to eat.
Yeah, I think, I think I might need to do that next time, because I already said today, that sounds good. Why don't we go to a different place? So we'll, yeah, I like that. Yeah, suggestions are different.
Yes, let's suggest some, let's suggest you have grab a bite to eat. You also can have the conversation, like I've enjoyed getting to know you through our walks. And now I'm interested in what it will be like to enjoy you planning dates for us. Like straight up conversation.
I've already had straight up with him. And what he likes, and I like is if we both say what we'd really like to do. And then we come to a win win solution. That's how I do relationships. It's like mutual submission.
You know, this what I'm saying to you is not, it's not that depth. Okay. This man has never taken you to a restaurant to pay for a meal or a cup of coffee. Right. So this is not about mutual, this how you do the relationship, mutual this. You don't even know if he'll buy you a hamburger. Right. Right. So that means you're expressing to him that you need a date. You want to be taken on a date.
And my idea. Yeah, I, I'm not a real traditional person, and I'm, and I'm celebrating that so I'd rather do what we both do.
both really enjoy. I just know I do need that now. So I'm
definitely going to take that and suggest that next time. Or
maybe this time if it rains today, it might rain today. So
we'll see.
Yeah, even if it doesn't rain, you can measure a person's
ability of spontaneity. Um, because that's fun. That's
exciting. So so you got to deal with knowing that someone that a
man has the posture to take care and provide for you. That's the
order of a man like this is the beginning of it. Will he pay for
me a meal? I know. Yeah, yeah. So I understand that you don't
know that a meal will get paid for till you actually go to a
meal, right? Right. So this is not about like, you know, the
all the other stuff is wonderful. But that's not where
you are. You've been getting stages and you're ready to go
out on a date.
Yeah, and actually, this is a date. This is dating for me to
get together and do something we both enjoy and get to know each
other. That's for me, that's considered a date. But I
definitely need the other kind. I totally agree with that.
Yeah, you need it because you just said you want to know if he
would pay for you something. I didn't make this up. You said
it. I agree. I totally agree. This is that no, this is
helpful. This is helpful. Because maybe I'll even suggest
something different for today. You know, rather than waiting
till next time.
I think I think it'll be really good. I mean, um, somebody says
you need some food. I think that I think it I think it'd be
good. I just you could just throw it out there like or a
cup of coffee or you know, whatever you want to do.
We were gonna go out for something you know, like I do
tea. We were gonna go out for something like that the other
time. But then it didn't work out. You know, so we were gonna
do that. But it wasn't best. But yeah, I think this is a good
next step. Because that's what I'm doing is step by step. Yeah.
So that sounds good. And and my and just so you know, I've
already talked with him about a lot of things that are real
important. I'll finish just with this. Because I've from my own
study of scripture and experience with healthy
relationships that I've seen and others. I actually believe that
it's not there's wrong translations and wrong
interpretations that cause people to think that the husband
is to be the leader of the wife. So I do see that differently. I
already checked with Jackie before I joined. Can you work
with someone like me? So, you know, so I've already talked to
them about that. And he's, he's just really good. He's wide
open. He's into mutual submission. And so, so I brought
up a lot that's important to me. Yeah, well, that's good. Yeah,
it is good. I've taught on this. So
alignment in the matter the most to you,
and I'm bringing them up step by step praying about what to bring
up when what's real important. What's negotiable? What's I'm
bringing up what's non negotiable for me. So okay,
that's great. I'll check with him about the luncheon. We'll
just see. We'll go see how it works. Yeah. Thank you. Hey,
Stephanie.
I have any good to see you on here at this time.
Good to see you.
So I'll be quick. I've taken a pause from from dating. I have
through like the holiday season, but I'm doing hard work stuff.
And so my question is, well feedback for stuff that I'm
working on with family family relationships. So one of the
things that came up in my heart work, obviously, is that I have
like abandonment and rejection stuff that I worked through. And
I lived for a season with some family in in San Antonio. And
there came a point where I decided to move away. And
unfortunately, the time that I made the decision to move away
was like a hard time for the family. And so what it kind of
caused like a rift, I had a really close relationship with
one of my cousins, who's like my sister, she was my bestie for a
season of my life. And over the last almost year and a half that
I've been away, I've been really making an effort to just kind of
keep in touch and keep in contact. She had two small
children that I was very attached to. And it's just been
a constant like she often won't answer the phone or won't return
calls or text me like days later, that they were busy or
were something or the other. And there have been moments where
she does call me back and I'm like, okay, little by little. In
any case, I have
I have taken accountability for and apologized for my role in like the breakdown of our relationship
on multiple occasions and she's received that but she's never offered the same and so on my end
I'm working on I can't control that I can only control you know what what I offer and I didn't
offer my apology with the expectation that that she would give back because that's one of the
points when we had our our breakdown was that I felt I recognized that I used to do things to
earn people's approval and to earn people's affection that that's how I that's how I
function that's that was my goal too and I felt that I had bent over backwards and done all the
things in in building my relationship with them and when it came time to like be there for me
she wasn't there for me or she couldn't she couldn't match me and one of the things that she
she expressed was that um like I did things so that I could keep tabs and then say I've done
all these things for you but you you know like I was only doing them because I expected back
and not out of like my own desire to do right and so of course I was super friendly the first time
she said that but I've I've since worked through and say you know there's some truth to that
because I was expecting to to earn to earn their love right um so I took accountability for that
I guess now just to kind of wrap it up um over like I said over the last year and a half it's
been a lot of like me trying me trying not really pushing um reaching out without expectation
not getting offended when I don't get a response back um but at this point like Christmas came
along and I didn't hear from any of them I called and I didn't get and you know nobody answered the
phone nobody responded back with a phone call or a text message so I was hurt by that and so my my
what I'm working through now is I am working with the Holy Spirit and saying Lord you know each time
the thought comes up and each time the hurt comes up I surrender it to the Lord and I say you know
God just help me be gracious and help me be forgiving and continuously doing that really for
healing and the whole cycle and just saying you know God I'm feeling hurt by this I forgive them
I choose to forgive them and that whole thing but my going forward is like do I continue to try to
engage do I just take this do I even have to say anything do I just pull back and and just let it
be or do I finally say like listen I've been trying really really hard to repair over the last
year and a half I I'm you know it feels very one-sided I don't hold unforgiveness or resentment
but I it's painful for me to to continue to try to seek out and mostly because you know part of me
I know it's it's it's not I know I have to work through that but part of me is like you know these
are believers like they have a church they run a church you know this my uncle's a pastor the
whole thing and then it's just like I recognize that there's so much unforgiveness and resentment
for what they consider was such an offense to them by me and I feel like they offended me too and I'm
working really hard to to push through that and to forgive and so I feel I feel I don't know if
annoyed is the right word but I'm like I almost feel like how come I have to do it and they don't
how come I have to to forgive and and and they don't see the hypocrisy of their own behavior
you know and I know it's not my place to be like y'all are hypocrites I know that's not the right
way forward I guess I'm just trying to figure out do I even say like look I love you I've already
said that I've already asked for forgiveness I gotta say I just forgive y'all and like bless and
block in the way that we do with dating or do I just quietly just let it be because I can't you
know I'm in that struggle right now with like say your piece in like a gracious and loving way or
just let it go man because it's it's really painful it's really painful because you know this
is this is your family this is like my sister it's I've already grieved the loss of the relationship
but it's about like is this something that I try to repair or just let it go yeah so so this is
really good and so the first question I want to ask you did they tell you they wanted to enter
into a restorative circle process or restorative process with you
No. Okay. So that's one thing I want you to hold in mind. They never signed up to restore.
Okay. So this idea that I'm doing, but they're not, they never told you they wanted to be a
part of this process. True.
Right. The second thing that I want to share with you is that people grow in different areas
at different times and when they're hungry for growth. So this concept that because they are
pastors, they should be this also. Paul says, this is my prayer for you, that you will prosper,
even as your soul prospers. So soul is the place where we have traumas and wounds and hurts. And
he says, I want your soul to prosper because when your soul prospers, you will prosper.
And it's very possible that we come into a servant leader position as pastors, as teachers,
as prophets, and we've not had some soul wounds dealt with. Okay. It doesn't make us not righteous.
It doesn't make us because the Bible says he who knew no sin became seeing that we may be the
righteousness of God. They're not righteous by their ex. They're righteous by the blood of Jesus
Christ. They're forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ. And so then you have to see them rightly
in order to see them rightly. I know I said it twice, but I want you to see them rightly,
that they don't have the ability or they're choosing not to operate in this level that
you're operating on because you've gotten the healing, you've gotten the knowledge,
you've gotten the revelation. So you're operating out of it. But just because they're leaders don't
mean they carry that. Yes. They don't have the tools. They're not equipped because if they did,
they will be able to operate in that way because then they will have understanding. Right. And then
so I don't believe that they're hypocrites. You have to see them as people who have not grown,
who are not aware because of their own soul wounds. That's who they are. When you see somebody
rightly, you actually can pray and have a grace for them to be who they are and release them into
that space and pray for their development. Because if it's showing up with you, it's showing up in
other areas of their life. The reason why I'm taking time to explain this because it is your
sister, it is, you do love them. They are your family. And the sooner you can see them in
perspective, it will even bring healing to your own soul. When you recognize, it's kind of like
when a child do something you like, but they're a child. All of a sudden, the thing they did,
if an adult did it to be totally different, but you recognize that they're a child, you'd be like,
they don't know any better. And then it's like, yeah, I know they, I know they stained it, but
they didn't try. They didn't. Yeah, I can accept that. I think it's just the defensiveness perhaps
that comes in because they expect me to like, oh, but you this and you that. And it's just like,
but no, you guys don't do it either. So let me finish with what you're still, what,
what to kind of fully answer you, but those things need to be in place so that you can release.
And out of your own volition, out of what springs up in you, you can reach out and call and say,
hey, just checking on y'all, thought about you. It could be two months later. Hey, just checking
on y'all, just thought about you. That means I don't not expect anything from you. When I feel
that love in my heart for you, I reach out and check on you. If you, so, cause if you put them
in that perspective, you will realize you're doing this, but they're not even in a position to
receive and take back what you're giving as a restorative process, because they're not even
involved in the restoration. Yes. And now you're free, Stephanie, to show up as you. The reason why
I'm going to tell you that I, I was, you know how people say I, um, I used to be, uh, I'm a
recovering, I work so that people will give back to me. I did the same thing with my sister and her
family. Everything I did for her, I didn't know it was so that I could be loved. And the more you do
that with the person, it's almost like for lack of better words, the more they push you away,
the more they despise you because it's the nature of what we're doing. It's the nature of it that
turns it back on us that way. So people can't genuinely bring you in because you're working for
them to love you and for it to be a part of their life. And so you keep working, you keep working,
you're working. It's like, wait a minute. What about me? You ain't doing this for me, but it
flips on you. And I had a very long journey in that process in my life. And so I understand
exactly where you're coming from and exactly where you've been in that sense, because that was
the definition of me.
and so you are released but you're released to show up as you how you want
to show up because when you get to show up as Stephanie they never have to give
anything back in return because you're reaching out to fulfill what was in you
okay right and there's nothing else old and prayerfully one day they will mature
and grow in the area okay yeah so I just don't that's it okay
be free I like that that's good that helps me and if you ever had to have a
conversation with them and I don't know if you had this kind of conversation
before if you ever had to have a vulnerable conversation you could say I
really wanted us to go back to where we were but I understand that you guys have
life and you have things going on and that's just the way it is right now it
grieves me because of the rejection part you know it hurts it grieves you can
tell him it grieves my heart but I can I can accept this and I can accept our new
form of relationship one of the things I had to do with my sister because we were
so codependent even growing up is we stopped being friends so that we can
choose each other again hmm I had to see and it was it was so scary because I
dealt with a lot of self-worth issues and I was for sure that she wouldn't
choose me again mm-hmm I was like she's not gonna choose me and I'm like I ain't
gonna choose her either like that was my defense that was my way of saying you
know but she had to choose me it was scary but it was so freeing because now
I had the choice to choose her I got to evaluate her and say is this the friend
that I want you see we when we're in these positions we believe it's all
about if somebody picks us but what about my choice somebody picking me and
choosing me comes from most of the times a heart wound so where someone's
rejecting you where someone is not chosen you but you forget you get a
choice too yeah I just had a revelation in what you said because what I what I
identify is that I'm afraid that later they'll say well you're the one who
pulled away and you're the one who did so I'm like functioning in this let me
show you that I'm putting in an effort let me show you that I tried let me show
you and again I it was I heard it it's like I I had this false belief I used to
believe the lie that it was my fault that I didn't have the relationships in
my life that I that I wanted that I was to blame that I didn't have maybe the
friendships or the family relationships or the romantic relationships that I
wanted and so that's why I worked so hard to be like let me prove to you that
I'm doing everything that I can to be available to you and to be loving to you
and to work on this relationship and to restore because I'm afraid that that
would be true that it's my that I'm to blame right and so I heard it identify
it came like you're afraid of this because you think you're to blame and
I'm I'm rejecting I'm rejecting that so thank you yeah you're welcome and then
while you reject that I want you to replace it with the truth because in the
spirit in the spirit there's no empty spaces something's gonna feel it and so
if I take out something and it's so interesting I don't think you've been on
the call but this is what we worked on today the lies that hide in our heart
yes affect our confidence and always our insecurities but you replace that with
heaven's truth and so then the next step would be God what is your truth about me
yes what is your truth and feel it there because it's gonna keep coming back up
until this new identity is solidified in you you just don't hear it one time and
run with it it just doesn't work that way because something built that lie
within you over time over and over same way it did for me and you know it takes
some time to come into the newness but the newness is for sure there and I'm so
excited that you don't have to prove yourself anymore and yeah what happens
is when we operate in truth freedom comes and it attracts the best there's
when you get that piece like you just got and you put in the truth then all of
a sudden you start attracting people to your life because now you're not
believing that you push people away or that people don't want you you are you
come in a confidence that you know people like you because you like you you
want to be around you and it's so interesting how that works so I'm
excited for you thank you very much you're welcome
hey Laurie and ladies you guys are free to uh to leave the session please don't
feel like you have to stay on the line hey we're usually over at 115 in this
session kind of thing what I do for 8 o'clock we'll go here Laurie
I took more time teaching today because we needed it and so I just want you to know that you're free anytime
Okay, so I'm still talking with still connecting with Todd
Yeah, and I have another date lined up for this Saturday. I have with a different person
and
Could pick up with another person that's right at the stage where we've already talked about
Going out on a date, but that kind of dropped off a little bit over the holidays
so that's kind of big picture, but so Todd and I have gone out three times and
We went out on Friday and then we met again on Sunday for brunch and
My overall experience is just
Completely delightful. It's all so secure and
Appropriate really boundaried
Yeah, just very inspiring he's an architect and I love design so
We ended up so I
Feel aware that I or I think I am breaking some of the rules and
So
What rules okay, well, here we go
We we stayed out till after dinner like we ended up spending the whole day together on Sunday
We went it was raining. So we took a drive out by the lake and we looked at really great modern houses and
then went to a
art gallery and a kitchen store and
Like just had coffee and because we were gonna go out and walk on the bluff over Lake, Michigan
But it was raining and cold
So and he just he just said well, I could take you back or so I did went in his car with him
But there was just zero sense of question in my mind
other than thinking it's too early and
And
Because it's been two and a half weeks now
and
Then but he's we've hugged had a and it wasn't even a long hug. We hug at the end of our
meeting and
Other than that, there's been nothing physical
and
So it just he brought me a gift. He brought me a little Scandinavian glass teacup on our
On our second date and I just thought because he knows I like Scandinavian design and you know, it's just simple it wasn't like
Way too much or it just felt he's like, oh, I know you like Scandinavian design thought you was out taking a
Gift to a client thought you might like this
Just you know more thinking of you and I'm listening sort of a feeling
But it's like he like I love the mug so it was like so it was just like I don't feel like
People have bought gifts before and it's been something that I cared about and this was just I loved little things and it was a
little thing
But anyway, yeah, then just I mean just honestly had such great we didn't really talk about
like anything
personal on
Sunday was just
inspiring
Conversation around design and just hanging out really? Yeah
And then we came back to Holland separately and went out to dinner and again, just great
So there did we had a couple drinks the two times last time we didn't have any drinks so that was really nice
He did he did ask me if I was if my long-term goal was marriage on the second day
Just it was a high-level question
And we'd had a couple of drinks and I said I'm marriage minded
And that was it. He has been divorced for a couple of years. So and I'm the first person that he's I
Guess dated in the sense of has felt like it would go anywhere
He's gone out on dates, but he hasn't had a relationship. I guess I should say
Yeah, and he did there was a moment of insecurity and in his in his talking about like
Like when his wrist, you know because he brought it up I asked the same are are you
You know, how does that feel?
You know, how does that are you
Do you resonate with that?
Or what's your goal in this space?
And, and he's, he's definitely like, he, there was definitely a vibe of him
needing to think about it and he came out and he says, you know, I, I guess I
want that, but I just don't want to get divorced again and, and so, um, yeah.
So, I mean, I felt like that was, that was honest.
Um, but it's also something that I need to be aware of that.
He's not like, absolutely.
Um, he's like, I just don't want it to happen again.
And I need to know the person that I'm with would fight for it.
So I liked his answer.
Um, there was something else that he said that came up and I said, do you feel.
Because of what he said, I asked, do you feel healed?
Or maybe the way you said it, do you feel healed and ready to be in this, you
know, in the dating space, and he did say no.
And so I have to be mindful of that.
But my experience of him is not unhealed at all.
Like he feels very secure.
He feels very, um, like he doesn't need me if that makes sense.
Um, but I do need to take him at his word.
Um, I also thought later, like if somebody asked me and I was having a
vulnerable moment, there are times when I don't feel healed, you know, and it's
not a hundred percent, all or nothing black and white, um, but he felt he
experienced betrayal.
Um, so I feel, and we definitely have a very soulful connection.
Um, so I, um, he reached out the day after and we didn't talk about it at all.
The third, like on Sunday, um, I didn't really want to go back into that space.
Cause it's early.
Right.
Um, but he did invite me.
He did.
He kind of lays out as he's very intentional about meeting.
He laid out his, he's like, I'm really enjoying getting, learning about you,
getting to know you and would love to continue.
Like, that's kind of his thing that he says that the day after we go out, um,
or even like has invited me out on a second date, but there's always this
sense of, I know where we're at.
Um, and there's also a sense of release in my heart that if this didn't work,
I would be sad, but I don't feel attached or, um, crazy inside.
My thoughts about him are just like, I'm just really enjoying this.
Um, I am going, so this is, this is the rule thing.
I am going to dinner this evening.
Um, so it's two and a half weeks.
So I feel like I'm breaking a rule, but I also feel like I have, I feel I trust
myself, but I did reach out and said, I like this, we were going to, um, you
know, we've just gone out, it's been a lot of eating out and, and I just really
sat with my heart when he, he asked me to come this evening, cause we were
going to go to a light show, like at a garden place over in Grand Rapids.
And it's been a equal back and forth.
He did ask, uh, cause I asked, like, he asked, would you be okay with splitting?
So we've split everything except for, he did buy one round of drinks and he
did pay for the first date, but he did bring up splitting at that date.
And I shared all that in my, in my posts.
I don't feel like I need to go back into that.
It's actually been a really great space for me to be like, um, this is actually
really good because I've had money mindset.
So it's good that this is coming up and it's giving me the opportunity to say.
I would absolutely choose to invest in this, but I did bring up just at a high
level, I can pull up my messages.
Laura, what was the other rule?
You, you say you broke another rule cause you're going to dinner tonight,
going to his house and being in his car.
When did you go to his house tonight?
I'm going, Oh, okay.
Why are you doing that?
What's that?
Why are you doing that?
Cause he invited me and I wanted to.
Thank you.
All the best to you.
Thank you.
Bye.
Why I don't want to yeah, I sat with myself and I asked that question because I thought do I want to because
You know, why do I want to and I'm just really honestly for a way our our connection very much feels like
Friendship at this point like I don't I don't feel I mean do I feel attracted to him?
Yes, but do I want to get physical? No
Mm-hmm
Honestly, just I
Love being in the home. We've been I think you know, we spent Sunday kind of piecing together staying out and
Going to lots of restaurants and it would be nice to have this experience, but I did reach out to him and I said
These are all great ideas because it was going out for dinner again
or to the light thing or both or he invited me over to his place for dinner and
I just said good morning. These are all great ideas
It's it is cold outside because it's like 14 degrees. We've eaten. So the light thing is really cold
We've eaten out a lot and tucking in and cooking sounds lovely
It feels unnecessary to say this as I've appreciated the way you've led
I would need a boundary with physical things as I'd like to get to know you better
Is this something you're in alignment with and his answer was?
Honestly just so
Honoring and feels aligned with that. Obviously, we didn't spell out everything
But I said I'm open for a conversation
But it's also really important to me to have boundaries with emotional connection at this point
So it would need to be a high-level conversation. He said this all sounds
perfect to me and
Yeah, and we'll always honor and we'll always honor your boundaries
Okay
Okay, so nothing spelled out, but I feel like I trust myself because I I asked myself. Am I strong enough to be in this?
We're not drinking
At least I'm not
Yeah
But
Yeah, I mean there is a risk for sure and
I've got a couple girlfriends that I'm like, hey, would you be willing to be?
Account help, you know me to be accountable with you on this
it's basically me setting my boundary and intention and and then coming out the other side and saying I I
Lift by that
Yeah
So I
Am happy that you are talking to someone that you can fully express yourself
It's been a long time coming. Yeah
Agree on that. Yeah, I like the peace that you have within yourself
Yeah, I'm happy for you for that. Yeah now I
Wouldn't be a very wise coach if I didn't coach you according to wisdom. Oh, yeah, so
there's a level of
growth that happens within us and
we feel comfortable with ourselves and
Then there's wisdom
Wisdom even in no matter how much we've grown we submit ourselves to the order of wisdom
I that thought definitely crossed my mind
The order of wisdom says I don't go into a man's house that I don't know because I feel peaceful around him
Because wisdom tells me I do not know him
I don't know how much it feels that I know him and this is for everyone to know
I don't it doesn't matter what you feel
You have to put an order in your life that causes you to submit and I'm gonna give you an example
I can change plans. No, no, but this is not like getting on to you Lord. This is another level
I don't
But I'm not
Let me finish this
I'm not asking you to change. I'm just sharing for this is just a coachable thing
Yeah, I was dating this guy getting to know him. I mean, I felt very comfortable with him. He was amazing and
He wanted to pick me up
He was like when you're tired from work and I'll just pick you up and I'm telling you I'm my own coach in my head
Right. So the coach is in my head and I'm like just let him pick you up
You know, you're tired and we like on week two, you know, you're really tired and he ain't gonna do nothing
He good people like he was a worship leader at the church. Oh, yeah. No, I thought yeah
I know but the coach in my head said you don't know him
Yeah, I caused myself to submit to wisdom and it didn't matter how I felt
because there are levels that you grow in.
And Laura has, she, you know,
when you work and you grow and you become,
there's a different level that operates within you.
This is a true thing.
Even when that level operates within me,
I still come under the order of wisdom.
Has nothing to do with fear,
has nothing to do with anything,
but wisdom tells me to submit to wisdom.
Does that make sense?
And I don't, I know what's on my mind,
but until I've spent enough time with a person
to see their fruits through and through,
I don't know exactly what's on their mind.
Yeah.
Laurie, I don't, I don't encourage you to go to his home
because I don't, I don't,
I just don't think there's wisdom.
And, and then personally, I want to snatch you and say,
no, no, I don't want you to go there.
No, no, I don't want you to.
Well, you know what, it's,
I feel brave for being really honest when like,
I'm like, oh, look what I'm doing.
Oh boy.
I know, that's what I do with,
even if I were to call Carla as a coach or my sister,
I'm like, look, this is what I'm doing.
This is why I'm doing it.
This is on my mind.
If you're going to say something, please say it now,
because this is what I'm doing.
I feel real sure about what I'm doing.
Like literally, that's why I say,
I'm sure about what I'm doing.
And they're like, well,
the reason why this is not going to be A, B, C, D
is because of A, B, C, D.
And I'd be like, yeah, you're right, you're right.
I'll fix it.
I mean, that's how I am, but it is not,
it's not wisdom.
No matter how sure we are of ourselves
and how we feel about a person,
when you don't know them, you just don't know them
and you haven't had enough time to know him.
And Laura, I'm going to tell you another thing.
I want you to be very sure of with him
because at this point, he hasn't invested much
because you are splitting bills with him.
And this is what I see.
I don't see anything bad.
I'm just telling you, this is what I see.
I see a woman, an eligible woman, as wonderful as you,
has showed up, a self-aware woman,
who's splitting everything with him
and now is coming over to his house.
And now he has access to all of her.
He's getting access to all of your wisdom,
all the good things about you,
but he has not put anything in.
He has told you that he's not sure if he's really healed.
Well, these are some cues to you
that I'm just looking for friendship.
Because he hasn't bought in anything
to tell you something else.
But because you are now at a different level
and you're at peace with yourself.
So I am saying to you, be aware of the,
I'm painting this for you to see
so that you can say within yourself,
you are just a friend.
You have not shown me anything.
You've not invested anything.
And so now, if he is just a friend,
he has to really, there has to be a strong boundary in you
that this is just a friend.
So there's no, he ain't put anything in, Lori.
No, nothing.
Y'all put in, he put in time, you put in time.
But he put in nothing.
Yeah, I mean, he paid for the first one,
but if I would have gotten my,
if she wouldn't have taken it,
he would have accepted my splitting the first one.
Oh yeah, because he asked you to split
from the beginning, right?
Yeah.
And so I think that he's keeping it very low stakes
because like he said, he didn't know.
I think when a person said, do you feel like you're here?
Well, no, I don't think so.
That could be to let you know, like, I think you're great
and I wanna keep this companionship
and I want us to keep getting to know each other.
Yeah.
I've just told you,
I don't think I'm here for my marriage.
This is not to make him out to be an enemy.
And on the same token, as you get to know him,
so realize he hadn't put anything in
for a certain level of you.
So let's cap you, right?
Yeah.
If you're gonna keep company with cap you,
this is the second thing.
If he wants a greater investment,
then he has to verbalize a greater investment
and show that he's gonna do that through his actions.
Number two.
Number three, if he did,
if y'all did start getting to know each other
and develop a greater friendship,
things like the marriage that he had the divorce
and not being completely healed from it,
you can always suggest, if y'all got into the third month
and you have to define a relationship
and he wants to go exclusive,
you can say, I am willing to go exclusive with you,
but I would like for you to go into therapy
for your divorce.
Yeah.
A person doesn't have to be completely healed.
They have to be masculine, mature and marriage-minded,
but you are broken.
community, you're healed in community, you're broken in relationship, you can be healed in
relationship. There has to be a level of foundation there to work with. And then when you say to a
person, if you want to go further with me, counseling is going to be required. Why am I so
sure of this? In that last marriage-minded relationship that I was in, that we decided
to part ways and our community agreed was nothing bad. I don't want to have to keep referencing that,
but I'm just saying this to you. I told him, I noticed that you've learned love through pleasing.
I said, in order to go forward with me, I am a woman, I have a therapist, I've had therapists
for years. In order to move forward with me, you're going to have to get some help for that
because I am bent toward control. Pleases and controllers get together. I can't have that,
I'm not living that way. That's why I do what I do for me. He went and got himself in some
counseling. It wasn't a non-negotiable, it was a suggestion if he wanted to do a healthy life with
me. He had a choice. I'm telling you it's realistic. Some people be like, ain't nobody
finna do the work, they ain't finna do it, I need to be with you. Because when you get married,
you're going to need some help. You see what I'm saying? That is a possibility. I know I'm
saying a lot, but I just want you to know, this is not a wild side of conversation with you.
This is an overall wisdom conversation with you. As you all grew, you don't have to be fearful that
he didn't get healing because there are things that make a person, you can see that they're
teachable. You can see that they're integrous. You can see that they're vulnerable. You start
seeing these qualities about them. Then you say, I think you're great, but I could not move forward
without you getting healing because I know that that man is in there, he's going to show up in my
I do. I'm going to have to deal with that man if you don't want to deal with that man.
Okay. This is excellent. I feel like I should postpone going to as much as it sounds
convenient. Obviously, it's interesting to see where people live and all those things. I love
wisdom. I'm going to change plans with him for this evening. It's hard for me to say that,
but I love wisdom. Laura, I'm so happy you changed your plans. I'm happy you received it
because I was a bit- I know what's right. I forced myself to say all these things.
We did get into a little bit of text conversation around, he did say that physical intimacy,
once I get to know somebody is important to me and I said, it's important to me too
within boundaries. That's it. I am not going this evening to his house and he can have his stakes
later. He's gone to the butcher, but it's all last minute. I don't feel obligated. I feel obligated
to myself. I'm allowed to change plans and communicate that with care. I love what you said.
That's crossing my own boundary. I'm skipping over something that is honor and value.
I asked myself, is there something about my heart that I'm meeting that I'm not being honest with
myself about? What would you say is wisdom for going to his house, time-wise?
Yeah. I'm going to speak to that, but let me speak to another thing. Something that could be happening
that you're not picking up on is that he carries a heart and passion for the things you carry a
heart and passion for, and that's architect and art and all of these things. If he designed or
put anything in his house that is similar to what you guys have looked at, that is more like,
oh, well, going to your house would be really comfortable. I'm comfortable even in the car with
you. When you cross the first thing you called a rule is actually a boundary and got in his car,
it sets you up for the next one to cross. There's a strategy that has to be had within yourself
that when you cross one, it makes it easier to cross the next and cross the next. That's why
when the guy kept saying, oh, to me, well, just let me pick you up. I already knew that one boundary
calls for the next boundary to be crossed. It wasn't for long. He was like, well, I can help
you out with that. Well, if you just come by my house. I said, no, no, no, no, no. Had I gotten
in his car, it would have made it easier for me to come by his house. That's just how that's the
nature of principles or boundaries when they open up. I want to say that to you and that you
so much in common that you felt so comfortable
and you're confusing comfortability
with releasing of boundaries.
Boundaries and comfortability
don't have anything to do with each other.
Boundaries is the order that you put yourself in.
You put yourself under this order
because you see a bigger picture.
Yeah, I didn't have the thought of, go ahead.
And you understand that if you did get
into a relationship with him,
you've already come into his personal space,
which is gonna make it even easier for you
to come into his personal space.
And if you decide you do wanna kiss him,
it's not gonna be long before you're on the couch kissing
or before you move into the bed kissing.
And so you have to get ahead of where you're going
and look at it from a bird's eye view
of what crossing these levels,
this and now is gonna cost you
and how much further it's gonna progress you.
Going to his house is gonna speed up things
because you've come into a very personal space.
Yeah.
And so that's how I do bird's eye view.
I go ahead and understand why I put myself
under a certain order so that I can help me out later.
So a timeline for when you wanna go into a person's home
is probably when you go exclusive with a person.
Okay.
Because now you wanna know how they live.
Now you wanna like, now it's time.
You know, Jackie talks about this.
I can't imagine going exclusive
and not seeing where they live.
Well, so if you were, we say exclusive if you can,
if you can in 90 days, so in three months,
but no less than two months, no less than two months.
And this is what Jackie teaches, no less than two months.
How many dates you've gone on in between times,
that counts too.
So it can't always be cut and drag
because if y'all been going out on a date every week,
okay, so then that two months looks different
than another two months, right?
Yeah, we went out on two dates and now it's a new week
and it's been like every other day for like,
but then he has his kids through the weekend.
So we'll be going out to lunch the following week.
Yeah.
And then we have the next weekend,
we have dates penciled in.
Still this, you're just at the second week or third week.
You're not far in at all.
Right.
So you know within yourself,
you haven't spent enough time to get to know this person.
But if you were gonna talk about going to his house,
I wouldn't go to his house before two months.
Okay.
And it doesn't matter, because,
but at the place of we're working up
to defining the relationship exclusivity,
it's exclusivity and I'm only giving you
how I operate my life at this point.
Exclusivity is a conversation.
Oh, you want to go exclusive with me?
Okay, let's discuss some things.
I date for marriage.
Exclusivity means that we are now going to look
at this relationship through a different lens.
And I am going to be measuring if we could do marriage
because I'm not gonna look up eight months in
and then we not working towards marriage.
I'm marriage minded.
I wouldn't go exclusive with someone
that's not marriage minded.
I wouldn't go exclusive with someone
who does not reveal to me their timeline of marriage.
Because you are dating for marriage.
You are not in here wanting to be somebody's girlfriend
for two years.
That's not your idea.
Exclusivity means you take yourself out of the market
so that you can invest in them more.
Now that's when you talking about wasting time
and you don't know where you're going
to go exclusive with the person.
And so once you go exclusive,
you're going to really be evaluating a person
according to what you want in marriage.
And so that's why for me, I'm not going up in your house.
I'm not getting comfortable because I already know
once you cross over into that boundary,
you're going to have more dates at the house.
You're going to hang out at the house even more.
And that calls for a whole nother level
of guarding yourself physically.
Yeah.
You would have had sex before.
They ain't the only one.
You know, the more you know a man,
the closer you want to get to him.
You're going to want to cuddle.
You're going to want to do these things.
And that's why you don't want to do stuff so early
that even still early, you're fighting out urges
and putting yourself in situations that's going to cost you.
Because if you trade out that soon,
that's going to really be a lot.
I mean, it's going to be hard.
Yeah.
I'm just speaking from a real place.
Like, you don't cross them kind of boundaries
and then say, okay, we ain't going to do it.
We ain't going to do it.
You know, we ain't going to do it.
You fighting for your life every moment after that.
And you know, expectations change.
When a woman gives her body to a man,
she judges him harshly.
Cause I'm giving you something now.
That's true, I've experienced that.
It's like, oh, you know.
So anyway, I know I said a lot. I hope I'm very clear with it
But you don't want to be you don't want to speed up the process you want to get hate
See you want to take your time because you know where you're headed and you know, you're marriage minded and at some point
You're gonna cross over
Yeah, and he's definitely not answered
There's definitely questions and it's
At what point do I want to find out if he's marriage?
Mind like do I I don't need to go back into those conversations. Yeah. No, he told you that he wasn't marriage-minded
Um at this point, he told me he wasn't he wasn't right. He already told you he wasn't okay
He said it. Yes at this point. He's treating you like a friend though Laurie and yeah treat him like a friend
Yeah, okay, and then you'll be able to see but if you
You got to treat him and I believe that you're treating him like a friend. You are a gentle person
It does feel like I am because there's not been any flirting at all. Yeah
Well keep treating him like a friend and you'll know the intentions of his heart
You'll you'll know his intentions and so until he makes it until he pursues you romantically
Okay, then you don't really have nothing to talk about. Okay, right?
Basically because y'all are just enjoying each other's company and so continue to date other people so that you won't end up
By mistake pushing you enjoying him so much you're gonna look
Because yeah the needs he's meeting that thing in you. Yeah. Okay. I'll queue up the date with the other guy, too
Yeah, I go for it. Yeah, you know, you know, he yeah
He can't be getting the best that you got and he's not investing. Yeah. Yeah hundred percent
That's that's I love all of this
so I have a text to send and
And then same thing for his car don't go in his car for a couple months
Well, if you
You've already been in this car
You're gonna have to explain what you can you can say?
Yeah, right, you can say I got it to you like you said like you just explained something else
Oh, well, it was so good. Okay. I think I jumped into your car a little too fast
Let's just stay separate, you know, we're out in separate cars. You can say that, you know
About drive you could do that for a while. Um, if you want
Wait do drive with him or don't that?
She's like no and I'm like do
No
Laurie, um
Do or don't I
I
Think I don't feel like I'm going to lose anything
Slow the pace back down pace it back out. Yeah
Just slow the pace back down
But I can't I'm thinking that sometimes if he wanted to ride and look at something because y'all both love art
I'm not trying to put a hard rule. You've already kind of crossed that boundary
So what I am saying to you whatever area you can pace this back out to slow it down
Yes, sit back out to slow down
Pace it back out to slow it down. It may be a time where y'all meet somewhere
It's just certain don't we come to your house to pick you up
But y'all meet halfway that you may have to park and jump in the car with him ride somewhere because y'all are doing this meeting
Place thing. Yeah
Yeah, like I would not go to his house to meet and drive together because he's halfway to where I'm going
Yeah, so
If you hadn't been in this car yet, I'd be like, oh no, but what I'm telling you is you're gonna have to pace it
And slow it back down. You kind of already crossed over. Let's say you had a crossover when it's his house
I would definitely don't go back to his house
Y'all are meeting in the middle and sometimes whatever so but I'm saying yeah pace it slow it back down
And if you don't have to get in this car, don't you know, don't get in this car
But if something happens where y'all around to look at some art or something because it's being crossed, you know, yeah. Yeah
Okay, yep
Sounds good. And um, he wants to be friends, you know friends don't get hooks. Let's give him give him what he say he won't
All right, I'm pursuing you according to anything else. Yeah
He's tasty I want you to be on pace too
Okay
Yeah, I believe him when he said I'm sorry to take so much time. I know it's time for us to go
I believe him when he says
I've heard that from me before. I just don't want to get another divorce divorce hurts and
Saying I don't want to do that again
And so the truth is I don't even know if I want to be married again because yeah
By his past experience that if I marry again, it could end in divorce again
And you know, of course, he's operating out of place of fear
So that tells me he hasn't dealt with the issues of that marriage. Yes. I like to
But that tells you, hey, he hasn't dealt with it, and that's okay, too.
Because when you get information from people, it tells you how to work with them, which
tells you how far to go with yourself.
Yes.
Which also is a good reason to not go over to his house.
Because my heart would go further.
Yeah.
Okay.
This is good.
It's good because it's going to, wisdom always brings life, and I'm guarding my heart in
this way.
Oh, yeah.
And I like what you said about, I'm doing this for me.
Like I'm going to take care of me first, and that's how we have to operate.
Like, we're going to take care of me first, and wisdom trumps our feelings.
That's the beautiful thing about wisdom.
Wisdom takes care of all that.
Boundaries take care of how we feel, no matter how I feel.
Yeah.
I cause myself to submit, no matter what it feels, because my feeling doesn't tell
me the truth.
It doesn't matter what, I mean, there's literally, this is my, I'm the coach in my head.
It don't matter how I feel.
What does wisdom say to you?
Yeah.
Right?
What does wisdom, you know, and so, yay.
And so this, I need to see some sort of shift in the next.
I mean, by two months of him paying, him, it's, he probably, in other words, I don't
want to go and do this forever.
He's truly not ready.
Right.
If y'all are going to be splitting everything, it tells you that he's your friend, but he
just wants to hang out.
And so then you make the decision, do I want to hang out this week or not?
Do I want to spend this week or not?
Because that's what that boils down to, because you've certainly, you've created a pattern
or, and then you can't come, you can, if he was pursuing you romantically, look, I'm paying
for stuff.
Why don't you pay for my food?
Like, I don't know, but he, you're, that's why you're not exchanging any romantic type
experience, giving him romantic experiences, and he's not putting into romantic experiences.
Right.
He going to get friendship level stuff because that's what he's putting out.
And you enjoy his friendship.
That's very true.
That does create feelings.
Yeah.
Food is true, Sarah.
And she, I'm, I don't want to say your name wrong, so I know I got the Sarah part right.
How do you say your name?
Sarah Shell.
Sarah Shell said, I don't know if you see it, but she said, it's also taking time that
could be spent with a true spirit versus friendship.
And so that is true.
If you give too much time, you're taking away from what could be invested in what your spirit,
whoever your spirit mate could be if he's not the one.
And so a balance is needed with the friendship and he has to be clear that it is a friendship
unless he's willing to invest in something else and it's okay because you said that he,
you said the value he brought to where you are right now was worth investing your money
financially.
Yeah.
So that means you need to invest your money, your time financially wisely on the level
of which it is and you control it.
Yeah.
You're in control of it.
Yeah.
Not, we're like, oh, now he's acting like it's for me.
And I think time, I think we should be getting together maybe once a week at the most at
this point because, you know, I was definitely, we were both very excited.
But it may, I think that's just my thought.
Maybe it's not correct, but spending more time, I don't know until something, you spent
too much time.
It speeds things up too quickly.
Yeah.
Okay.
You have to pace yourself.
A couple of nights a week.
That's a bit much.
I mean, it speeds things up.
Yeah.
It doesn't give you time to process either.
Yeah.
It's good.
Yeah, me and Dia, she kind of said, I love that men make it clear that they don't want
marriage again.
So that woman know not to waste their time.
I have enough friends.
I'm ready for my spirit.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah.
I was definitely, oh, I need to take him at his word.
You take him at his word.
And, but even this, that's the thing about, and we're about to go, that's the thing about
dating for discovery.
And you're a little bit more into spirit DNA too, Lauren, we've been at, you've been at
this for a while.
And so their levels have changed for you, but you get to look at this and say, oh, that
was a little thing.
Oh, I can bag my way out of that.
Oh, he really did say that.
Oh.
Oh, I'm going to take him at his word.
Because there are going to be things
that your husband is going to say,
and you're going to have to learn to take him at his word
instead of what you want to believe
and what you want to hear.
This is all such good.
Or when you say it, this is worth me investing.
I enjoy him.
He's fun.
That's a great discovery.
On top of the discovery that says,
I'm not moving past this in my heart or in my emotions,
I know where to put you, and I'm continuing to date
because you haven't showed any real interest in the journey
that I'm going on.
Yeah, yeah.
And I also recognize it's too early to see that.
Also, I am willing to give it time,
but I'm going to keep these boundaries in operation.
Yeah.
It's so much good stuff.
It's really good.
Yeah, it's very good.
Yeah, at this point, I feel like I'm benefiting
and growing through the experience,
so that's why it's worth it to me.
Yeah, yeah.
I've dated low stakes people for the growth that it gave me.
And it's not usury, it's growing.
And low stakes, when you don't have
that high level of attraction,
they are great people to date
because high levels of attraction can take you fast.
Oh, I'm very attractive, but my heart is not in this state.
I'm very attracted to him.
That's not that that's not there,
but it's like I'm asleep in that way.
Does that make sense?
I'm good.
I'm asleep in that way.
And so, and it feels very,
I feel like my heart's much more healed.
It would feel weird to be physical with him
because I don't know him.
He still feels like, I don't want to say a stranger,
but close.
That's true.
And I'm going to tell you this,
if you had gone to his house,
you would have thought you knew him better than you did.
Yeah.
Those are the type of things that play tricks on you.
You think you know somebody.
I made myself say it all out loud.
You did good.
Look at me go.
Laura, you are amazing.
You are, you are.
But thank you for letting us all dig through that with you.
Yeah.
Thanks for the wisdom.
I have a text to send.
You have, yes, you have a text to send, way to go.
I have a text to send and nothing to lose.
That's right.
Nothing to lose.
That's what you have.
I remind myself, nothing to lose.
Everything to lose.
If I lose it, then it wasn't there anyway.
Come on.
That's right.
All right.
Well, ladies, y'all hung in here.
I enjoyed y'all, y'all delight.
I'm going to tell Carla how delightsful y'all are.
Okay.
Are you coming to eight o'clock?
See you tonight.
I need to update Kim.
You know, I always need to update.
I be thinking about you when I'm working with my,
doing other stuff.
Okay.
So all of you ladies,
you carry a special place in my heart
and I'm always thinking about y'all.
Hey, Calandria.
Oh, is it Calandria?
Calandria, have you seen my responses to your post?
I don't think she's at work.
She don't hear me.
But anyway, please check out those responses
to the post that I gave back to you, Calandria.
I want to get feedback from you on that.
I hope to see you ladies tonight.
Lovett, I want to get an update from you.
I posted to some of your things.
Lovetta, Lovett, I hope I got it right.
I see you on here.
I hope you hear me.
Anyway, it was wonderful.
Tell Carla, you guys are amazing.
She'll be back next week.
She doesn't feel well.
Don't forget the activation.
I'm going to repost it for you guys so you can have it.
And I hope you guys have a great day.
See you later.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Bye.
Bye ladies.
Thank you, Ebony.
You're welcome.
See you tonight.
See you.
Bye.