Tonight is so good to see all of you coming in on tonight.
Now, tell me who is here that is your first time.
Is that you, Jolene, that's your first time?
And let's see, Lydia, is this your first time?
No, I've been here before.
Thank you.
Where were you?
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Saturday I was not here, but I've
been on the Tuesday calls before.
But I finally figured out how to use my,
how to log in to Zoom on my phone to attend the calls.
OK, got you.
Before that, it was just, I could, I was just on,
I could just hear you, that's all.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.
Yeah, well, I'm so glad you're able to get logged in.
Yes.
Yeah, and talk, rather.
Talk.
Tish, is this your first time?
Did I see a Tish?
Say Trish.
Trish, where are you?
This is my second time.
Oh, there you go.
OK, well, welcome.
Welcome, Jolene.
It's just you the first time.
It's OK, we welcome you.
You don't see where to raise your hand on your phone.
If you have an iPhone, it's at the bottom.
So Jolene, welcome to phase two.
This is, is this your first day and first night?
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, in the accelerator, it's my first night.
I went to one of the, in the heart work sessions,
one of those meetings, but that's it.
Oh, yeah, we're so happy to have you.
This is such a joyful phase of the program,
dating for discovery.
I don't know if you had an opportunity
to watch the welcome video from Jackie,
but there are four to five videos.
It's five of them, four or five.
You just watch one each week, as quickly as you want to,
but preferably one per week so that you can kind of stew
on the information, get all the goodness out of it.
There's dating one-on-one, there's online dating,
there's boundaries in this divine feminine.
And if you haven't watched the one that gives you
the challenge, there's a seven-day challenge.
Have you watched it yet?
I think I watched most of the trainings,
but I don't know why the seven-day challenge isn't
ringing a bell.
OK.
So it's something that I think it's called.
It's not called welcome, but it's called something else.
You do not have to get seven days,
just our way of encouraging you to get out there and get
moving.
Oh, OK.
OK, seven dates, you said, right?
Yeah.
I thought you said days, like you have
to do something in seven days.
OK, so yes, I am working on that challenge.
Oh, good, good.
I'm from Mississippi, and so I've
got a little twang to the sound of my voice,
so sorry about that.
Yeah, OK, thank you.
So you don't have to get out seven days.
It's not going to stop you from moving on to the next phase
if you want to, but that's a challenge to get you out
and get you going.
Because this phase, and I'll just repeat,
is about dating for discovery, not
dating to find your spouse.
It may be really hard to reprogram your mind that way,
but we like to take this time after hard work
to get you practicing what you learned in hard work
to solidify it so that you can grow in it.
Because just because you did hard work
does not mean you've had an opportunity to practice it,
because you haven't.
You just came out of it.
And so when you date for discovery,
it takes out the pressure.
It makes it low stakes so that you
can evaluate yourself to see what's
happening on the inside of you now
that you have some triggers headed your way.
And that's how we kind of iron things out.
And so what happens is God is writing the love story.
You're working on growing in capacity
and getting yourself prepared.
So great.
That's housekeeping.
Ladies, don't forget to pre-order Jackie's book.
What is the name of it?
Modern Dating Sucks.
We're always so excited to support Jackie.
It may be a book of your interest.
It may not be a book of your interest,
but you are welcome to support her
in that pre-order of her new book that's coming out.
Also, don't forget, mark your calendars.
Do it today.
Tomorrow, not tomorrow, next Tuesday, we are coming on.
And we are going to be fixed up.
you don't know about this challenge. Jolene is somebody who wasn't here on last week,
don't know about it, but we want you to get all dolled up what you would look like on a date or
video call date. Let's check you out. Let's check out the colors that you pick. Let us admire,
pick the colors you think go with your color palette and things of such sort. Let's look
at what your lighting looks like in the background. And so that's it. Just get all dolled up
and let us see you and let us compliment you. Right? Okay, great. You guys will see that I
posted the activation from last time. We will talk about activation just for a few moments before we
get started. And don't forget that Karla and I are always doing one-on-one coaching sessions
for things that we can unpack. What day is that, Ebony? Next Tuesday. Don't forget that we are
doing one-on-one sessions, Karla or myself, or any of our other lovely coaches, if you need to
unpack more than we can unpack on a live coaching call or on the community wall. I encourage everyone
who wants to get rid of some roadblocks or some things that are happening that are much deeper
than what we can deal with on here to book yourself a one-on-one coaching session. And
did I cover it all? Times and Seasons. Who's going to Times and Seasons? Yeah, me too. It's
located on the resource tab. Finally, it's there. It's waiting for you. And let me tell you,
once you sign up for Times and Seasons, it's going to automatically put you in another group
just for people that are going to Times and Seasons. And so then all the information that
you're going to need is going to be in that group that they're going to place you in.
So you don't have to worry about missing anything or not getting anything.
Once you're signed up, they're going to take care of the rest and you'll know about it.
I don't want to be like I've been every other night, so come and let me write some of y'all
down that has your hand raised. Now, granted, this may be a little out of order, but I'm starting
somewhere. All right. Oh, got you, Sandy. Okay. Jeanne, I thank you for these amazing,
awesome ladies who signed up to do this journey with you. Everybody has to believe you for
something. We have to operate by faith in some part, and this gets to be our part.
And so, Father, we happily partner with the one who knows all, sees all, the one who's gone way
ahead of us and can pick a spirit made much far better than we ever could. And so we say yes and
amen to the promises of God in Christ Jesus, because that's the way it works on the winning
team. In Jesus name, amen. Amen. Amen. What did you guys do from your activation? Who did something?
Just unmute and tell me about it, or you can type it in the chat. But tell us about it.
Which activation did you do, and what was the response like, or what did you experience?
I can share, Ebony. It happened today. A friend of mine offered to bring me some
soup because I'm sick, and I was like, I can make... I started to say no, and then there
was something inside of me that was like, someone's offering to help me. So I was like,
just receive the help. So it was hard to type. I'm like, yes, that would be great,
because it was... I mean, in your head, you're like, do people really want to... Are they just
saying that? Do they really want... But anyway, I could benefit from it, and I was like, maybe this
will bring her joy. So it was great. She brought it to me, and I was blessed for sure. That's so
good. Way to go. That's a big step. That really is. Yeah, you're welcome. Anybody else want to
share? I'll have two. I have two questions. Okay. My first question is, what is it with
the men that want phone numbers and feel like they can't just communicate through the app,
the dating app first for a while? Is it like a little teenage boy inside of them? They used to
get excited over getting girls' numbers when they were younger. Is that just resurfacing now that
they're older? That's my first question. Why are they so impatient as far as... I do want to
communicate and ask a few vetting questions first before I give out my number, and then I also like
them to plan like a coffee date first as well, but I'm not sure why the men are so impatient as far
as, oh, here's my number. Give me a call. Give me a call. It's kind of annoying me,
but I just want to know the answer to that. Number two, for the women, I'm sure I'm not the only one.
A lot of us grew up in church, and when we were younger, we
We were very, very positive about marriage, dating,
definitely being intentional.
OK.
Uh-huh.
Hold up.
Let me finish up this part.
OK.
I don't want you to go through that whole question
and then say this to you.
And so that's why I decided to break in,
because it sounds like it was going to be good.
Let me finish up this part, and then we'll do that part.
OK, no problem.
It sounds good.
All right.
Anybody else with the activation?
That's it?
OK.
I get to.
Oh, yeah.
All right, perfect.
So tonight, if you've been in, I got to do a session.
I got to do, what is it?
12 o'clock today.
They were so wonderful, and they were so gracious.
And so I get to now, if they've been at 12 o'clock,
they've already seen, we've already talked about this.
But tonight, we're going to talk about something
that I believe that every one of us can benefit from.
And we're going to be talking about confidence
and overcoming insecurities and how those two things tie
together.
And they all loop into the heart.
So whenever there is a trigger, whenever something's said
or done, there's a trigger.
Anytime there's a trigger, that's a red,
that's a flag to you, that something's
happening in my heart.
And so usually, when there's something
happening in your heart, you find
that there is an insecurity there.
Insecurities affect your confidence.
Hence, when you are triggered or something,
there's a breakdown along the way.
Or you don't trust yourself, or you
don't believe that you can make good decisions.
You didn't wake up that way.
It's coming from somewhere.
It's coming from something that you believe.
And so we're going to revisit what you
talked about in heart work, phase one.
That's where we're going.
And I know a lot of times, I listen to Jackie.
So Jolene, since this is your first time,
I was in this program about three years ago.
And I've been family ever since with this program.
And I don't know if it's me, if I'm some kind of Jackie junkie.
You know how they call those fans that are junkies.
But I can listen to her over and over and over.
And the teachings never get old.
And they always touch a place in me.
And so your heart work is something
that you're going to revisit a lot of times.
Because we believe sometimes when we come into the program,
OK, I've done the heart work.
Now I'm ready for a husband.
Jesus, where is he?
And why haven't you delivered him?
Because I did my part.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
Now where is he?
But ideally, as you grow in self-awareness,
you understand that everything has to be walked out.
Everything has to almost be cemented within you
so that you can become that thing the same way you became
everything else you were.
Because it was a repetition of the same lie
over and over and over.
And that's why it doesn't just leave.
And so if we take a look at what confidence is,
a lot of people would say that they are confident.
And their confidence in different areas.
And so a confidence is a feeling or a belief
that you have towards someone or something.
But this particular confidence is the one
that you have towards yourself or inwardly,
what you feel about yourself.
And the insecurities are uncertainties or an anxiety
about oneself, a lack of confidence.
Because wherever there's an insecurity,
there's going to be a lack of confidence.
Now, so we're going to discuss how your insecurities feed
into your triggers.
Whatever you're lacking in feeds into the triggers.
Somebody triggers you, preferably.
And in this stage, it will be a man.
That's why this is such a good stage.
Because nobody triggers you like a man triggers you.
And nothing triggers you like letting somebody
in close to those intimate spaces.
And so that's why before now, you
can't measure it because you ain't let nobody in yet.
Kind of like the people who've been walking with Jesus
a long time.
And then they talk about everybody else
because they ain't in no relationship.
So they don't have nothing to worry about.
Then when they get in one, they see how it feels.
They see the pressure.
And all of a sudden, now you're triggered.
You didn't have anything to trigger you at first.
Jesus does everything right until he
do something you don't agree with
and you think you should have did it differently.
And then you start fussing and thinking and fussing.
So give me one second.
Oh, shoot.
So let's talk about that.
Because on the
community walls, and even in our sessions,
we've been admitting that we don't trust.
We think we're going to mess up.
We think we're going to make a mistake.
And we believe this because there are so many rules for us
to keep up with.
This program doesn't have so many rules.
This program has boundaries to help
you develop relationships at a pace and safe way that
guards your heart.
But because you are not used to operating in order,
it feels like it's a lot because you're not
used to actually developing healthy relationships,
preferably, and specifically, romantic relationships.
You believe that how you feel dictates how you behave.
And so if it feels good, it must be good and the right thing
to do, except for in this area of your life,
you know that it doesn't work.
But you are insistent on doing the same thing again
every time you get that good feeling.
And there's something within you because it feels so good,
you will override wisdom to do it again,
and then to be hurt again.
And what happens is when we don't
have an understanding of what the root cause is,
we will blame the person by saying they were narcissistic.
They were abusive.
They were manipulative.
They love-bombed me.
How did they do it if you weren't a participant?
Did they hold you down?
Who selected them?
Who did the picking?
And when we skip over the picker to accuse the other person,
you'll never get to the core of what's happening.
Let me give you an example.
If a man is successful at love-bombing you
and you don't recognize that he's love-bombing you,
this is not a criticism to you.
But that means you were so hungry for affection
that you didn't notice somebody shouldn't be talking to you
on the second day about how you're going
to spend your future with them.
That whoosh, that went right past you,
that a complete stranger is planning your future with you.
And what vacations will be like and what children
will be like, and you think is just dreaming?
That's not a criticism, but that's a thing.
Now, if you were outside of that, you'll be like,
no, I don't think.
But it's something when you get caught up in it
and you're in it and you're going,
there's a deficit there and they're filling it.
So they weren't the only ones that benefited from it.
You benefited from it because it filled a place
for you that was void.
And so when we get into, when we start dealing with things
that resonate down on the inside of us, that's happening,
we can identify, why did I let them treat me like that?
Why did I let that person talk to me like that?
Those are the questions you want to start asking yourself
because a lot of times we will find that at the core,
we let people treat us a certain way
because we don't believe that we're worthy of that.
We don't believe that we're worthy of that.
We don't believe that we're worthy of anything better.
We don't believe we deserve what's best or higher,
like anything higher.
And so,
let me ask you something.
If you were talking to a guy and everything was going good,
it's been about four days and it seemed like he was good,
committed to righteousness, had good conversation.
And he just, all of a sudden stopped talking to you.
Out the blue, stopped talking to you.
Share with me in the chat, what do you believe has happened?
You were liking him, he was liking you,
seemed like it was going good.
Okay, he found someone else.
I wasn't good enough.
He's not emotionally ready.
I said something wrong.
I did something wrong.
He was talking to multiple women or I said something wrong.
I wonder if he was true.
He's busy with something else.
He lost interest for whatever reasons.
What did I do?
Some men are just blown and bored
and not ready for a relationship,
definitely not marriage.
That is true.
He got scared when thinking about
what a serious relationship would mean for him.
Maybe he didn't want to give up his freedom
or start flirting with other women.
Okay, and so this is kind of a mixture of things.
that's happening, but I guarantee busy with something else.
If I counted up how many eyes, I did something wrong.
I must've said something wrong.
That immediate thought to say, what did I do wrong?
For those of us, I know, that's what I be, I.
I don't know what happened, I wonder what could have happened.
And sometimes I replay my conversation.
I'll look back at the text message like,
what actually happened here?
And that's a normal thing, right?
That's a normal thing.
He was processing, we weren't a match, right?
So that's a normal thing to wonder what was said,
like just double checking yourself.
But sometimes we immediately go to what did I do wrong?
When you didn't do anything,
you were just having a conversation with this person
and they decide to drop out the face of the earth.
What they decided to do actually
has nothing to do with you.
It has to do with their decision that they made.
And this is the same root cause when somebody says
that when someone doesn't choose us,
that we believe it's because of us
or that our name is now rejection
because they chose to walk away.
And so you in turn don't wanna tell a person
when you're no longer interested.
You stay into things because you don't want to say to them,
no, because you, this is what you think of,
no, what did I do wrong?
And you don't want someone else to feel the way you feel.
Are y'all with me on that?
Because this is how you feel when something goes wrong,
that you must've done something.
And so when you wanna walk away from something,
you don't take your choice to have a choice.
Because you think if you take your choice to have a choice,
it's gonna be, somebody's gonna feel bad.
Like you feel bad if someone uses their power
to make a choice and not talk to you anymore.
Because the truth is, that's all they did.
Does it suck?
Yeah.
Did it not feel so good?
It's true.
But it was their choice and it was on them.
And so our responses to when something happens
tells us what could possibly be happening
on the inside of our heart.
And we have to go and deal with that thing
that's happening in our heart.
Because why is it so important?
Because if you don't deal with what's happening
in your heart, it's still you.
And when you get married, it's gonna be you.
And when you get married, it's gonna be you
and they gonna have to live with you.
And you're not gonna suppress it and keep it to yourself
because you are gonna show up.
And when you learn to deal with you,
it teaches you how to have grace with other people.
Because you now understand that it takes time to grow
and people are complex in nature.
And that how they show up is usually an indication
of what's happening in their heart.
It has something to do with how they see themselves.
Our behavior points back to our identity.
Okay, so we're gonna go back to revealing for healing
what's in the heart work and there's nothing wrong with it
because you're working out the things
that you learned in heart work.
That's what this phase is about.
And that's why dating for discovery is such a genius idea.
Okay, because you get the triggers at low stakes
with you being in control.
Anytime you can date low stakes,
it keeps you in more control.
But when you start dating with expectations,
high expectations, are you this?
Are you that?
Are you this?
Are you that?
You gotta be this.
You gotta be that.
You gotta be this.
You gotta be that.
You lack self-awareness.
And that is the truth.
Anytime you have a measuring rod
for somebody you don't know, you lack self-awareness.
You lack the complexity of people
knowing the complexity of people.
There's this belief that if they told me this,
it must be true.
That is not true.
You can tell people something
and it means absolutely nothing.
And so when you say, oh, they checked all of my boxes.
You only know them for two days.
You don't know them.
It takes time to know a person.
And when you get to the end of your month,
only thing you have to show for your broken heart
is, well, he said.
He said, he said.
He said, he said, he said, he said.
And then everybody around you go,
oh, they so wrong for treating you that way.
How could he do that?
And I'm not like criticizing you,
but I am telling you that you have to deal
with what's happening in your heart
so that you can show up in a level of awareness
where you're not a victim.
You don't have to live with walls all around you.
You don't have to live that way.
You don't have to.
One thing that I did, and I'm gonna share this with you,
and it goes back to what's happening in the heart.
When I came into this program, I hated men.
I didn't know I hated men.
Jackie told me I hated men.
My goal, I was a believer, a leader in ministry,
and I wanted a husband.
I didn't know I hated men, but I could tell you this.
My goal for every man I talked to was to sit down
at the table and prove to him
why he wasn't good enough for me.
And I had a list longer than your arm
because I didn't understand me.
I had a list that protected me,
and I would have never got a husband that way
because I had more walls than this house on me.
And I did it all out of self-protection.
And when they said to me, you hate me,
I was like, where you get that from?
I was like, no, you're just giving back me
and what they gave you.
The father that abandoned you,
the stepfather that abandoned you,
the one that molested you,
the husband that did this, the man that did this.
Every man in my life only fed me bitterness.
What did I have to give back?
And so I had a deep-seated belief
that all a man wanted to do was for me to pick him up
and carry him on my back.
And I'm sick of weak men.
And if you're not weak, prove why you're not weak.
And that's what I thought of men,
the one who wanted to be married
and was believing the Lord for her love story.
So therein lies a problem.
If you had to listen to my,
now that you're listening to my story,
how many husbands did you,
how many men did you think I would draw
with that inner thing working inside of me?
And so, because I believed
that somebody was out to use me and misuse me,
I had a rule allowing me,
baby, that was tighter than glue.
I was going to listen to you.
And I was a tape recorder.
And the moment you lied to me,
I could bring back up the truth
of exactly what you said and when you said it,
because nobody was gonna ever get over on me again.
I didn't know that when you're healthy and whole,
you don't have to guard yourself
from someone getting over on you
because you can recognize the behavior
and give it back to them what belongs to them.
You really can say,
oh, it seems like he has a problem
with keeping up with the truth.
I see that we don't align.
That's a thing.
When you grow, you don't become defensive
because somebody lied to you.
You can just say, hey, that did not feel good,
but I understand that you need,
you got some more growing to do.
And we don't align.
And so that's the power of getting to the root
of the issues in the heart and dealing with them
so that you won't live a life on defense
and offended every time.
What tells us that something is happening?
I know this is a repeat.
It is the trigger.
How do you get the trigger?
You need to date somebody.
If you're not dating, you can get a trigger from your job.
You can get a trigger from someone in your family,
but whenever the trigger comes
in any type of relationship, don't ignore the anger.
Let your first question be, what's happening?
That's my question.
I'm my own coach in my own head.
What just happened, Ebony?
Why do you feel this way?
Why are you this angry?
Why are you this offended?
Why won't you start rehearsing this thing in your mind?
Because I want to get to the bottom
of what's costing me my peace.
Okay, so Jackie said in one of the teachings
and I encourage you guys to go back and take a look at it.
And in this teaching, it was revealing for healing.
It's in your phase one course content.
You have access to it.
It's a 14 minute session.
Cause you know, all of those teachings
are just like 14 minutes.
She says that we can't take the facts of our life
and make them truth.
That what's a fact you can't say is the truth.
And so.
Oh, I don't know if you guys looked at the community wall
and Jacinta was sharing that all her life,
she believed that men always wanted something.
So she never asked a man for anything
because if she asked him, she knew
he would want something in return.
I could understand that.
I believe that as well.
She said, but doing this activation,
I asked a man for something.
He was happy to help me, and he didn't want anything back
at all.
And so I now see that I was believing a lie all of this
time, that every man just wants something from me.
And so that's one of the things where she believed this lie
and she made it truth for all men.
That was a fact that happened in her life or an experience
she had, but it wasn't truth.
And so what we have to do is take whatever facts or things
that are resonating with us and hold them up against God's
truth and ask Holy Spirit, what do I
do with this thing that I believe?
If you dig deep enough, you'll find out
what you believe in your heart.
All you have to do is keep questioning what you're doing.
Question your behaviors.
Why are you showing up this way?
Why are you offended?
Why did that bother you so much?
Don't question them, question yourself.
Because if you get to the bottom of what's happening in you,
you won't show up to the table blaming.
You'll know how to give somebody back what belongs to them,
and you'll know how to take what belongs to you.
And you'll know how to walk away in peace
because that's what you do.
I give you back your lies.
I take back my vulnerability, my openness.
You had a great opportunity to get to know a great person,
and you get to keep walking away.
And you can be at peace.
And so we're going to debunk.
That's what we're going to do.
We're going to actually do this now.
This is going to be your activation for the week.
You're going to begin asking Holy Spirit,
show me the places in my life that I believe in a lie.
Show me the things that you want me to release
so that I can accept God's truth.
And so I'll read back through that
so you guys can write it down.
I'm also going to post it when we're done with this session.
And so one of the things that Jackie teaches in that session
is that you cannot erase your past.
You can't erase the experiences.
You can't erase what happened to you,
but you can replace it.
And honestly, most of the things, if you overcome them,
they become your testimony.
They become the thing that you help somebody else with.
Everything that we learn,
every teaching that Jackie gives comes from her
digging deep enough and not stopping
until she got the truth so we can glean from her wisdom,
if that makes sense.
And so we don't have to erase those things.
We can't keep calling them truth and we will replace them,
or you have the option to replace them.
And so how do we do this?
The same way the lies got there,
the untruths got there by repetition,
it's the same way you replace them.
Am I saying you're going to keep declaring something
over and over and over till it hits?
No, that's not what I'm saying to you.
I'm saying you're going to confess the lie.
You're going to repent for the lie.
And then you're going to ask the Lord,
what do you have for me?
Why repent?
I thought repent means when you do something wrong.
I thought repent means when you feel bad.
Repentance means it is essence.
Sometimes you do do things and you grieve and you repent
and you're grieving and you're hurting.
But repentance just within itself is to say,
my way was the wrong way.
I'm not going to turn around or turn the other way
and accept your way, God, as the best way,
as the highest way.
And so I repent for partnering with the lie
that I'm not worthy of love.
I repent for partnering with the lie
that I am not good enough.
I repent for partnering with the lie
that my way is better than you
just because my way makes me feel safe.
I repent for accusing you of not performing for me
the way I thought you should.
I now want to trust that you're working things out
for my highest good.
Something like that, right?
And so you confess what's happening.
How do we confess what's happening?
You got to track it down.
And the trigger is what helps you.
And that's why it's such a genius process.
And so I don't know if you guys remember,
but you had a revealing for healing chart
and it starts with the trigger.
And so whenever the trigger comes,
you ask yourself or you ask Holy Spirit, what is this?
What lie?
Am I believing and then you're going to get to the bottom of it you ask that question and you're going to say oh
Why do I believe this lie?
When did I first start believing this lie and then you're going to get an answer
And then you're going to make a decision you're going to have an invitation in front of you
Do I want to hold on to it or do I want to release it?
And when you choose that you want to release it you're then going to ask the lord what can I replace it with
It's so important that you replace because what you have to understand there are no empty spaces
It's going to be filled with something. That's just not how it works
There are no empty spaces in the heart
There are no empty spaces anywhere. It's either going to be filled with one thing or the other
The heart is an instrument of belief
And so as soon as you uproot the lie, you have to plant the seed of truth in it
And when you plant that seed you keep working that over and over and over until it
Produces in your life and it will produce in your life
It's only a matter of time and so someone asked a question
They said I know
That i'm anxious. I know that i'm this way. What do I do about it?
Just because you still have feelings you still have memory it doesn't mean you have to be it
Many years ago. I was much more of an anxious attacher
I was aware of that being the way that I learned love from my childhood. It was I learned it that way
So, what do I do when that anxious attacher shows up I just lean in the other direction
I say oh I see you anxious attacher, but that's not how we operate
And I lean in the healthy direction I don't fear anxious attachment
Because all I have to do is lean in the other direction
There are some things that may stay with you forever. It's not about what stays with you. It's about what you do with it
When it shows up
Does that make sense?
Good i'm glad it makes sense. And so I want it's everything
Okay, I don't have um
Give me one second
Sorry
I'm at home alone and all the lights were off on the other part of the house and that just was just a little too
That was just a little too too creepy for me. I didn't like that. Sorry. Okay, so
um
We'll we'll do that. Let's do a little bit of that activation now
So I want us to take a moment and ask holy spirit
Just say holy spirit or I say it for you. You can close your eyes. You need to think
Holy spirit, what lie am I believing about myself that you would like me to release?
So
And you get that lie, I want you to just put it in the chat you can write it down
You don't have to share if you don't want to it's up to you
If you can't if you're not hearing anything
Look at the chat and see do some of those resonate with you that my standards are high. Oh, that's really good
That i'm the fuel to my future relationship
What does that mean? Give me a little more insight that I don't have a future. This is all life will be ever be
So good. I've heard that one before
Then my way to find me. Yes, the guys won't be attracting me because of my race
Yes, insecurity of fear like I have to keep them going. Mm-hmm
Oh, I see
I'll never find love again
That god is punishing me
That I have to be perfect to be accepted. Oh story of my life kim
I'm, not capable of making wise safe decisions not chosen valued good enough. There is something wrong with me
No, god will wait until marriage for six, yes
Marriage will take away my freedom
Um, lydia, yeah
And so what part of this part of this
Gamma true. I don't know. No, i'm not good enough for anyone. Mm
That i've missed the boat. Come on the love boat. I'm finna tell you right now
Sarah soon it will be making another round not attractive yes yes so good
this is so good and I hope you ladies are watching the chat and in this
someone else post another one you like yep there's me too oh yeah that's me too
cuz I'm over here like mm-hmm yeah yeah me too oh and so now what I want us to
do I want us to X um X Holy Spirit why do I believe that lie why do I believe
that lie
you
Holy Spirit why do I believe that
okay Sarah now X him why don't I love myself and why don't I trust him so Lord
why don't I trust you and why don't I love myself
you
and Felicia you can X Holy Spirit why do I believe that my financial situation
won't be accepted
ah because I'm still single
all because you don't spend time with him so you believe in the lies of the
enemy because the voice of your father is not loud enough hmm oh you're not
good enough because you've never felt chosen when did you first start
believing that you weren't chosen that's a really good question to X because the
world says my sense is glad because we're let me respond to six oh wow you
know um live it I learned this six please me when I was a little girl and I
was molested a good number of times and it taught me this six please me and so
there wasn't a relationship that I didn't get into that I was a fear I'm I
had I had a big issue with making out very heavily because I thought this
would please me and so I had a lot of the issue and it was rooted from me
learning that me and it pleased me and to have sex with them it pleased me to
give my body to them
and I find that a lot of times it's women in any just in my line of work
that women who have been their bodies have been taken from them in some way or
another will respond that way in relationships I'm never unfair I had to
find a husband because I don't believe in myself I don't believe myself because
I thought I had to be the best to be successful and I wasn't this was the
only way to be proud of myself I like lack of affirmation from my
father yeah all of these are good because I'm still saying you haven't
started dating seven years after divorce that would speak something to me too I
hear your heart oh good thank you for sharing it a little bit I'm not open to
easily talk about it because I'm still blaming my past for mm-hmm yeah let's
let's talk about let's break down that blame Felicia give everything what give
everything every player in that past whatever it is everything to its right
on a rightful owner and when you give everything to the rightful owner if you
haven't done this then just repent for what you own what belongs to you give
yours to Jesus because he said cast your cares upon me because I care for you and
they asked him what he has for you no man way sex into marriage because it's
what the culture says to have the world dates because many believe is important
to test drive to show love through intimacy all right past experience where
I wasn't in racially diverse church environment and the guys always always
prefer to date people their own race all of this is so good ladies and so what
you want to do is now that you some of this stuff we still need to get down to
the true when did it happen what is the real thing but I want you to use a
revealing for healing chart and then you want to replace it but some of some
of the things we're posting we still haven't got down to the bare bones of it
because if
because if people believe that culture taught us this,
that we supposed to do this, but why do you believe it?
Did me and turn you down because you didn't have sex?
You know, you understand what I'm saying?
I know this is the acceptance because culture taught this,
but why are you so convinced by it?
So I'm gonna give you an example.
I don't believe that,
I don't know why I've never believed this.
I don't believe that somebody
wouldn't wait to have sex with me.
I'm just, I don't believe it.
And if they don't wait, they just can't be with me.
And that's just how I feel about it.
I'm convinced.
I believe that if a man is righteous
and he's from the kingdom that I'm from,
and he didn't operate in self-discipline,
that he doesn't get to partner and do life with me.
And when I've dated men who are righteous
and they come at me sideways like that,
I say, hey, we gotta talk as from a brother to a sister.
Let's just sit down to the table
as brothers and sisters in Christ.
You realize what's happening here?
Do you realize what kingdom you're from?
And what we do in this kingdom?
And I would straight up ask,
what are your thoughts about this?
What's happening in your relationship with God
that you're preaching the gospel,
but you're having sex behind closed doors?
This is not me judging.
This is me sitting down talking to my brother in Christ.
Like what's happening, man?
Do you need deliverance?
Bro, what's going on with you
that you don't value your body?
That you're willing to toss it out?
I'm telling you, giving of your body
is not just, oh, well, it's lust.
It's attached to something in your heart
about you valuing your body.
And when you get to a point
when you realize that what you carry,
I've sold my dignity out before.
I know what it feels like to come back empty handed.
I know what it feels like to battle
with the spirits of guilt and shame.
If you actually are committed to a kingdom wall,
I have lived it and I won't live it anymore
because it's not worth it to me.
And what I carry in Christ
is not a trade out for me anymore.
And so I guard all these things with diligence
and I'm not gonna get put in a situation
because I already know if I get myself caught up,
there's not gonna be a happy ending for me.
I've gotten caught up enough to know.
That we ain't hanging out at my apartment.
We ain't riding in the car at night.
We just ain't doing none of this stuff because I know me.
I know what one touch will do.
I already know if you breathe close to my ear
what's gonna happen.
I've been living in my body long enough.
I remember one time the Lord told me,
he said, Ebony, I said, yes.
He said, never trust your flesh.
It is the wisest thing you can ever do.
It's to never trust your flesh.
That's wisdom.
And I said, thank you, father.
So we'll keep digging till you get there.
That's what I want you guys to take
what you've written down today.
If we didn't make it to the bottom
where you can ask the Lord for a replacement,
that's what I want you to do.
I want you to take what you have, where we stopped,
and keep digging and come back and post it in.
This brings so much breakthrough
for so many people in the community.
I want you guys to post under the activation
what you discover and what you replaced it with
because it helps so many of us.
If you notice, most of all of us struggle
with the same lies.
So we're gonna move on and take some questions,
but I want you guys to learn how to fight for truth.
I want you to learn how to fight.
Don't let up until freedom finds you
because whenever you allow yourself to break through
in freedom, you keep attracting the same thing.
It is true.
You do not attract who you are not.
It's almost, if you're not willing to do the work
in your own life, why do you expect a good,
a wonderful man to show up and live with, be and do?
Why do you want the very best
that you won't do the very best for you?
I'm telling you, you attract who you are.
When you start getting to the truth of things on the...
inside of you and you won't let go until you get to the bottom,
there is an empowerment that comes over you that shoots you to the top.
When Jesus said this, he said,
Satan came but he could find nothing in me.
So the same things that used to come for you, they won't be able to find a home
in you, a place in you. And so my encouragement is to not
stop fighting for the truth. It is worth it for your confidence.
You will begin to trust and believe in yourself and know that you can make the
best decisions for you.
I don't care how many times I tell you that you're beautiful.
If your mama told you you was ugly the first five years of your life,
I don't stand a chance. I don't care what the mirror tells you.
I don't care how much makeup you put on. I don't care how many men you get.
Nobody's going to be convinced you that you're ugly, I mean that you're pretty.
And if you ugly and your mama spent her whole life telling you how pretty you
are, I'm telling you ain't nobody gonna be
able to convince you you ugly, not even that mirror.
Because we see with our heart, not with our eyes.
I'm telling you, I'm a four-figure woman but I used to be close to 400 pounds
and when I grew up I was overweight my whole life, even as a little girl like
it's like two. And nobody in my family's overweight but
when I would go to family gatherings, all my family would do is tell me how
pretty and fine my legs were. And my auntie used to say, oh if I had
big cousin and black culture, my black culture, they like big legs, they
like big hips, men like that. And so my aunts would just
tell me, oh if I had some big old pretty fine legs like yours,
oh if I had this, oh if I had that. And so the thought of me being
not attractive, beautiful in my face was never an option.
And so when kids used to call me fat, I used to say I'd rather be fat than ugly.
Like that was just my response but I was convinced
so if I was ugly, they wasn't gonna be able to tell me.
My daddy used to tell me when I was a little girl, he would, they would call me
fat. He said, you tell them baby, you ain't fat, you fine.
Like he was so just like, the things that you hear now, I
knew that I was fat, right, and I'm sorry if the word fat offends anybody.
But I learned to accept a new revelation of fat.
All of us have fat on our body, some of us just have a little more than others.
And so for me, fat is not associated with negative even though my whole
childhood it was. And I refuse to let it rule over me.
I refuse to hear that word and let it have dominion over me
and change my thought process. And so anyway,
those things, that's a real thing. We're programmed into some way.
And so anyway, I hope that's fun. I'm gonna post the activation. I really want
you to do it and take back out that Jesus Cares board
if you put it up. And when you get something, put it up
there. One truth at a time. One at a time.
That's all it takes is one at a time. When you get breakthrough in one area,
it just keeps coming. It just keeps coming.
There are like people who have really good revelation or really good
understanding. It seems like they understand everything
because once you get a little bit of it, it keeps attracting to you.
Have you ever seen a family and their whole family is wealthy?
Every generation, the next one is wealthy. It's like, or they have brilliant minds
when it comes to business. It's like everybody in your family is
like this because you keep getting more of the same thing
over and over and over and over again. I am excellent at picking out lies
because I do it to myself. I have very few people that get to sit
in the inner course of my heart, but those who sit there,
I talk to them. And when I talk to them, I tell them everything I'm thinking
and believing without any shame. And their only job
is not to make me feel better. No, no, no. Their only job is to find the lie.
The only job they have is to find the lie. And when they find it, baby, we jump
on it like a pack of wild wolves. I'm like, oh no, the devil ain't gonna get
over on me. You don't know how long I spent my life
living under lies, believing that I couldn't skip because I was fat. I
couldn't run because I was fat. Everything because I was fat because I
was fat because I was fat. I couldn't do nothing. When I walked in the room, they
were laughing at me because I was fat. It robbed me so much of my life, all of
these lies about myself that I couldn't do, I couldn't be,
that I just refused to live in bondage. And I got a problem with it. And so I
come out the lies hard and I'm gonna pull it down every
time no matter what it costs me because I cannot live
under that. I was made for freedom. And so, so were you.
So, great. Yes.
Yes, all right, Shekinah.
So yes, to answer your first question,
you have to say your second part back over.
But some men jump right to asking for your number
because they could have been on the apps a long time
and they don't want to do that small talk at the beginning.
Some of them don't know how to do that type of talk.
I think I've shared this with you before,
but I have an uncle who is very attractive and I love him.
He's an amazing man.
And he told me, niece, I'm trying to do these dating apps.
He said, but I don't know what to say to these women.
He said, I just asked him, can we grab a cup of coffee
and I could just talk to you, talk to a person?
He said, because I'm just not used to this.
He said, I don't really know what to say.
But he said, if I could talk to him face to face
over a cup of coffee, we can have a decent conversation.
He said, so I just asked him, can we exchange numbers
so we can get to know each other?
He said, because I'm not really good at this.
He's not the only man that has said
that there's a lot of men that say that.
And I know it can come off offensive sometimes
when a man goes straight, here's my number, call me.
But those are some of the reasons why they do it.
Okay, I can see that, but it seems like a lot of them
just shut down after I say, hey, we can communicate on here
until we're both comfortable
or after we meet in person over coffee.
I do love the coffee idea for the first meeting.
I love the coffee idea.
I love like, oh, well, if we have coffee
and we feel comfortable about seeing each other again,
then let's exchange numbers.
And some of them even shut down at that.
So I just bless and block and keep it moving.
But I was just wondering if you had some insight on that.
That part, I think that sometimes there's more of a like,
oh, what, man, she don't even give me her number.
Don't even worry about it.
I can hear a man saying that.
I can believe that's probably why they say that.
So it's just like, forget it.
She don't wanna give me her number.
She don't wanna get to know me.
That's what they're thinking.
Okay, because typically I communicate very well.
And a lot of what I am saying,
I do have it already pre-saved in my phone.
I'm like, hey, I'm sure you like me.
You're real big on how a person's presence feel
and really intuitive about how people feel in your presence
and around you face to face.
I said, so, hey, before we exchange numbers,
how about we just communicate on here?
I check it frequently and we can talk over coffee.
If we feel comfortable, then we can exchange numbers.
Some are okay with it, but I'm finding majority are not.
So I was like, what is this big deal?
If I'm still talking to you through the app,
like there's no difference between messaging in the app
and then texting on a phone.
I still get the notification on my phone.
So I'm like, what is the issue here?
Yeah, I think it's just preference.
And I think she kind of, I may be like,
probably like one of those guys,
I do not like to talk over the app.
I don't keep the app on my, I don't like it.
It just does something to me.
It bothers me.
I just don't like coming on my phone,
texting anybody like that back and forth.
And I'm like, hey, look, I'm serious.
Like I am like, it could be almost the second day.
And I'm like, listen, it's great getting to know you,
but I don't have the capacity to keep checking my phone
for our conversations.
And if you would like it, I would like to exchange numbers
if there's something you're interested in
and let's just have a conversation
and let's plan for a cup of coffee.
I am a, that's just, and so I think it really,
I don't, I just think it's a preference.
And if a person doesn't, you communicating with them
that you, I want to get to know you,
but this feels a better pace to me
and that they don't under that, then it just doesn't work.
It's just like, okay, fine.
Because it's not like you're two weeks in
and you're not, so yeah, it's preference.
Yes, thank you for clarifying that.
And I also, that also lets me know ahead of time,
I feel like I love the way I, how I communicate.
Cause I feel like, hey, if I'm letting you know,
I'm checking my messages quite frequently.
If I'm letting you know,
I'm willing to meet you for coffee in person.
And then after that, let's exchange numbers.
And I say, okay, if they're not comfortable with that,
then I know that they are not flexible.
And so we would not be compatible
cause it seems like they're stuck in their way.
So I'm like, okay, that's a good way of me vetting you.
Yeah, that is a good way.
Yeah, it's true.
If they don't prefer it and this will work for you,
it's not gonna work out.
Mm-hmm, and then my second question,
cause I'm sure some other people
have some other questions as well.
I want to be considerate.
So my second question is a lot of us that are in our group,
we're looking at our age
and most of us would not have thought in a million years
if somebody said, hey, you're 35, 40, 45
and you're not married yet.
If somebody had told us this in our early twenties,
we would not believe them.
We would have said, I rebuke you, Satan, get away from me.
So I just need some clarification on when we were excited about our future,
when we were in our twenties and we were saying, yes, my husband gonna find me.
Like, it was like, as much as I know, I'm African-American.
That's how much I knew my husband was going to be right around the corner.
Like that's how much faith I had.
That's how much faith I had.
I knew without a shadow of a doubt, cause I'm like, I'm working on me.
I'm serving the Lord.
We fast and then praying for it.
I'm actually being intentional as far as being social, being approachable.
Um, I never was the type where people didn't feel like they couldn't come and
talk to me cause I don't have, I never had that resting B face, never had it.
I've always been approachable.
So why couldn't someone come at that time when I was so hyped and excited
about what I thought God was going to do it and now decades later, it hasn't
happened, so now I have to fight through to get that positivity again.
That's a good question.
I believe that some of us, when we wanted a spouse, we may have not taken this
route to partner with the Lord, to do hard work, to see what's happening.
You didn't have the access to that type of knowledge.
So you were just waiting.
I did the right, basically.
Um, and then some of us who were partnering may have been doing some work.
It don't mean everybody wasn't doing work.
Like she kind of said, she was working on herself.
She was fasting.
She was praying.
She was believing the Lord.
I do believe that in so many areas, when we walk the Lord with, from my
experience that we miss, we don't have all the information because it is true
that we may have a timing for something in our life and God's timing may be
different and if you don't have insight from the Lord, that his timing is
different.
And you believe whenever I get ready, I should get married.
But now if you are one that's walking hand to hand with the Lord and he has
your life on another schedule, it's going to feel like he didn't do something at
a time that you thought he should have done it.
And that just wasn't true for your destiny.
It wasn't true for the book that he had written about you.
I might give you an example.
I was praying for a friend one time and I told the Lord, I said, what word do you
want to give her?
At this point, she had a cancer diagnosis and it was in her blood and it was pretty
much, she's going to die.
I said, we were making intercession, praying, all this stuff.
I said, what do you want me to tell her?
I'm going to give her a word.
And he says, tell her that I'm her friend in this season.
I said, tell her what?
I want to be her friend and I want to be her friend.
I said, I'm not telling her that.
I literally said, I said, she's dying.
She's dying.
I'm not going to tell her that.
He says, he said, well, that's my word for her.
He said, the reason why you don't want to tell her that is because you don't
understand what a friend is because she's in a season that's not about to leave her.
And she needs somebody that's going to hold her hand while she's
throwing up over the toilet stool.
She needs somebody that's going to sit at the foot of her bed when she didn't have
strength to do anything, but lay there.
She needs a friend.
She doesn't need a father.
She doesn't need a healer because I've declared her healed.
She needs a friend.
He says, don't you, don't you forget that I was on the scene before you got here.
And I said, and I just started to cry and repent because he had to get so strong
with me because I was just so upset.
I'm like, my friend is dying.
And I'm sharing that to say that we don't always understand God's timing and why he
does what he does and why he says what he says.
And we can have our mind so focused on one thing and he's doing something else.
One time I was preparing to commit suicide and it was a done deal.
And I got down on my knees to pray one last time.
And my thoughts was to me, God, whatever you're going to say,
please save me from myself.
And he said to me, you will have an unprecedented love for my people.
And I said, what?
Literally, what is unprecedented?
Like, I didn't even know what the word meant.
And I was just like, forget this life, forget this stuff.
How are you talking to me about an unprecedented love for your people?
And I'm telling you, I'm going to go take my life.
He already knew that my life was saved.
He saw this day right here.
He said, this is what I'm thinking about.
This is where my mind is at.
This is where I'm at and you over here.
And so I'm saying all that to say.
God is not on our timetable.
And at the moment you put your hands in his hand to trust him for the journey.
You.
automatically sign up for his timetable.
And this just kind of how it work.
Yes, the timetable, that is just real,
I'm really struggling with it.
Because I'm like,
because I always have to give God his word as well.
You know, I have to say, well, Lord,
your word says that if we make it past 70,
that's grace after that.
You know, throughout the time,
you know, with humankind is just has been cut,
the lifespan of humankind has been cut down by the Lord
quite a few times.
We now live in 900 and something years,
like Methuselah and all them back in those days.
And so yeah, that's what I'm trying to press through,
like his timing.
Because I've been always active
in doing things that I enjoy.
I mean, painting, traveling, bowling, spa days.
I mean, you name it.
The only thing I have not done yet
is jumped out of a plane and parachuted.
That's the only thing I have not done yet.
Because I feel like I should be enjoying my life
as a single woman.
That's what I was raised to do.
Enjoy your single life, enjoy your social life
before marriage, because once you're married,
you have to consider the other person.
But I'm gonna let somebody else go.
I think Alexandra, she was trying to put her hand up.
You know, she's been up here for a while.
So I'm gonna let Alexandra go.
And I'm gonna go ahead and sign out.
But thank you for reminding me again about his timing.
And I'll just keep that in prayer.
Yeah, and so my next thought to you was Shekinah.
I would actually, if you probably have done it,
but I would ask the Lord,
what do you wanna do right now in my life?
What's your plan for right now?
Yes, I love that.
I'm gonna add that too.
So instead of asking why aren't I married yet,
just ask where's your hand moving in my life right now
so I can go to where is it?
I love that.
All right, Alexandria.
Yeah, was there someone ahead of me?
I got lost for a little bit.
Okay, okay.
I had all those posts that you've been helping me with.
Yes.
Yes, I'll let you refresh.
But you told me to lead with a question.
So I can lead a certain question.
I can tell you what that was if you want.
Oh yeah, what's the question?
Yeah, yes, yes.
Just like when are the differences that we have
when we hang out like enough to be a no?
Because I feel like the last state we have
with how he responded to me in a couple of ways
would have been like a no for me.
But then, in all the context of all these positives
of who he is, and I didn't wanna push him away.
I wanted to talk to you guys first before I said no.
So what I wanna say to you is this,
his culture is gonna play a big role, Alexandria.
Or Alexandra, sorry.
It's okay.
His culture plays a big role in who he is.
Very big role in him.
Bigger than you probably are processing.
Okay.
Not because he's Nigerian.
That is a whole different order,
the way an American woman operates
than the way a Nigerian woman operates
with her husband or with the person she's dating.
They have a whole different level of posture.
An American woman feels like she has her rights,
and she does.
We've been blessed to live in a country
where women are given rights.
A woman can scream help and something's happening
and she's seen about.
We don't realize how much in other countries
that women are suppressed,
are looked at as literally nothing,
and are not considered.
And so I'm just wanna hit on this
so you can see the big difference
because sometimes we don't recognize
there's this huge difference in the way American women are.
And so American woman will get you straight.
Straight, straight.
Right?
We got our rights and you need to back up.
So not to say Nigerian don't have rights,
but take this for what I'm saying
and don't take it for what I'm not saying,
but there is a much, much, much greater level of submission.
Okay?
And so let's consider that.
And so he's gonna have his thoughts and opinions about,
like you said, a woman should have long hair.
This is not, I like a woman with long hair.
This is something that has been ingrained in him.
It's a belief system.
Now, your banter and his banter are gonna be different.
That's the difference you keep seeing, I believe.
I want to work through this thing about he's critical of himself.
Mm-hmm.
He's not your husband, but I'm using this to show you something.
Your spirit mate is not going to be a person that is perfect, and he may show up as a person
who's more linked toward being critical toward himself.
It doesn't mean that he won't be worth it to you, right?
Yes, he is.
If he's critical to himself, he's very capable of being critical to you, but if he's aware,
you can tell that shows up, and then what's in you will help heal what's in him.
You're not rescuing him, because remember, he's already showing up to the table aware
of his behavior and dealing with his own behavior, so I just want to say that to you.
Now, so because of those culture differences, I think that's where this big difference is
coming from in banter and jokes, and it's going to show up in so many other different
areas, so I just wanted to address that.
I think that even though a lot of good things about him, I wanted you to be able to recognize
those things, so that when you see them again in somebody else, you can pick out good qualities,
and then you can look at what's not so good and really figure out, well, okay, that's
not so good, but that could be because of this.
It's really good to process instead of walking away saying, well, I really didn't like that,
so I was dealing with it.
That doesn't serve you.
That's not the highest service that you can give yourself from an encounter or an experience
with the person.
You kind of always want to dig through it, because remember, you are choosing your spouse
with the lenses of your heart, and your perception matters, and how you understand things matters,
but if I had to give, respond to you about should you walk away, I think that you should
walk away.
I think that you've given it enough time.
I believe that the same things you complained about with him at first are the same things
that you have an issue with now.
They never changed.
You didn't add.
You didn't take away, and I think it is challenging for you when y'all are not able to come on
one accord with small talk.
It's like you keep missing each other in that space, and it's a yes till it's a no.
Him liking to watch violent movies, some of us may be married to people who are in ministry
that watch horror movies.
Is it going to take away from their righteousness?
No, but does it tell me that they're not aware of what they're putting through their eye
gate and how it's affecting them?
Yes, and so I'm just telling you that, but I think that you did well.
Likes to go to cheaper restaurants on dates, and you're a foodie.
That's an issue.
If he tight, he tight.
You're going to be even tighter.
I'm telling you something now.
I hope ain't nobody don't hear.
African, this may not be you, but a lot of Nigerians, they like to send a lot of money
home to their people.
I think I talked to you about this.
I'm not about sending my money over there to your family.
We can put your mom and dad on a stipend or something every month, but we can't be sending
my money over there.
You can send your, and you can't even send your money because your money is my money,
but there are going to be some things happening there.
You've done well.
You gave it time.
You learned a lot.
He was born in the UK, actually, but his parents are both Nigerian, and he was very influenced
by them.
Yeah.
Because it was his mom and dad.
So Nigerians generally, even when they live in another country, they raise their children
according to their culture.
Yeah.
Which is so tough for them to acclimate then here, but yes.
I think if it were me, I would raise my children according to my culture as well, unless my
culture was toxic.
I believe that, I think, you know, I don't know, you want them to be connected with both.
You don't want them to lose it, but I think you've done well.
I think you can applaud him when you walk away with all the things that you enjoy about
him.
And just tell him, like, I've enjoyed these things about you, and I just don't believe
that we align right now.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You did good, Alexandra.
Thank you.
And I always find it awkward to like, how do I word, like, I would love for him to meet
someone else in this program.
Like, how do you, or do you think that's a good idea?
And how do you introduce that?
Because it feels touchy when you're like...
Ending things with someone but like here's a dating app
or
work
For me you wanna for me now
I can't speak to you for him
But for me is an insult if you don't want to talk to me get off my phone and by back
But I don't need you to fix me up with nobody
Cuz it almost sounds like a pity thing like I
Don't like you but look I want but what you're saying is my heart is well towards you
That's what you say. I want to see you prosper. Yeah, I want to see you do well
Like he might he would very well be a good match for someone else
Yeah
He could there would be a match for somebody else because there could be not so much of a culture difference there
Right, and so I agree with you
You could tell him like, you know after you, you know share, you know, have a really good
Healthy conversation with him. I don't know how he's gonna take the conversation at the end
But you know, you can always say like hey
If you're ever interested, I'm in a really good dating program if you ever want to know about it
I think there's some women in there that may suit you this kind of you can see
That's a good way to put it
Thank you so much
Well, thank you and I just pray peace over your heart right now with everything that's going on with your sweet dog
Yeah, I pray that the Lord's wraparound presence. Oh
Diagnosed with leukemia
Today you guys and so I just pray for the Lord's wraparound presence in your home around your heart and around your sweet
Pup, and I know that God is with you. He's right by your side
Thank you
Ashley tell us about the mr. Eric
Eric right? Yeah. Yeah, it's Eric. Hi. I see this now
We just we have really great conversations he's
Emotionally mature and marriage minded and you talked you talked you mentioned you said to Alexandra about being aware of own behavior
Like he's always listening to what God's saying
He's aware, you know behaviors and he told me recently even he was like there's some he was like
I noticed some things God's talking to me about that
I got to work on that. I haven't but he's been talking to me about that
I haven't been working on that. I need to be working on
He
He sees me he listens he's gentle
I'll like explain something in my random like can't get my words together
Kind of way and then he'll like he'll likes
No, like, you know, we're like repeat back like hear what I'm saying, and I'll say it and I'm like, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying
It's it's been really good
Yeah, you feel seen heard and known. Yes. Yes. It's also very terrifying
It's all been used against me before so it makes it very terrifying
What does that mean? It's all been used against you before my ex is really manipulative
Mm-hmm, like I remember even having a conversation with my ex before like, you know, that's manipulating, right?
He was like, no, I'm just doing da da da da da and I literally sat there and looked up the definition of manipulation
I was like, no, you just gave me the definition of manipulation. That's what you're doing
So, what are you saying being used against you before what do you mean by that with Eric you know, no with my my like I
Just worry because he can see me so well
that
That it could be being used against me. Oh
I
don't know
That it could be being used against me oh
Because you are operating vulnerability
Mm-hmm because of your level of vulnerability with him
You are concerned because of your past experience that he will use those things
Against you in the future in some sort of way. Mm-hmm, which I've not seen
What you've not seen and so what you do is when you have those type of fears
You're not gonna be able to convince yourself
That oh, he's not like that. The reason why you can't convince yours. You cannot fully do it is because you don't know him
Because your heart knows that you don't fully know him yet
So your mind has had experiences and you've had conversations and you've discussed things
But your body literally knows that you don't know him that way. Oh, yeah
That you are still in the process of getting to know him and so in your vulnerability actually
What you have to do is
Guard your heart without diligence
I didn't say wall your heart without diligence, but before you give certain levels of vulnerability,
before you are vulnerable in certain, there are levels to vulnerability.
Because a person can store one level of vulnerability, it doesn't mean they can store the other level
of vulnerability.
You don't know if they can store it or not, but time shows it to you.
And so sometimes when we can trust a person they're easy to talk to, we believe that we
can pile it all on them.
They have yet to proven how they steward our hearts or how they steward their hearts because
we've not seen enough of it in action.
Because you know, because I ain't telling you this, this truth, what you do is you release
parts of your heart or the levels of vulnerability that you're going to operate in, in phases.
And so no matter what you've been doing before now, pull that back and keep it at a certain
level in the more deeper parts of your heart that you are processing.
You take it to a safe place, like someone who fully knows your value, somebody who's
walked with you for a long distance, give that to them and watch what you, what you've
invested already over the next six months, how it's cared for, how it's honored.
Does that make sense?
There are friends I have that I love, but they don't get every part of my heart because
they can't steward it.
Even when you're married, if anybody's been married on this line before, including me,
even when you're married, your husband can't steward all parts of your heart.
There are parts of their own heart they haven't cared for and nobody is supposed to be the
keeper of your heart, but the father and the father leads you on how to release parts of
your heart into safe environments, because you are limited in your ability to, to perceive
and to see and to know it takes someone much higher than you to help you release at the
appropriate time.
This is what wisdom tells you, this is what wisdom tells you, that it takes time and seasons
to know people, not out of fear, but out of wisdom that you give people an opportunity
to watch how they steward their heart before you give them your heart to steward.
As a matter of fact, you don't need them to steward your heart, you steward your own heart
and you allow parts of your heart at the proper time to be put into their hands to see what
they do with it.
And so you've done a good number.
So some of your fears are based on principles that are natural working principles, that
even though your ex-husband done that, you don't have to live based on him, but you can
put yourself under the order of wisdom that I just shared with you and say, okay, I've
been pretty vulnerable, I think that's enough to watch how this rolls out.
And then you just watch and you be a fruit inspector.
And then you see how that's handled, not over a week, not over two weeks, over three months,
over four months, and then you give out a little bit more.
You know how I told you that scenario that when a woman likes a man and it's at the end
of the week or two weeks, she sits across the table from him and she says, I got something
for you.
She takes out her heart and passes it over, here you go, because I like you.
That's how women communicate.
If I like you, I'm going to give you something that's precious to me.
I'm going to give you my treasure, but that's not wisdom.
But a woman is very prone, they did a study that that's what women do.
When they like a man, they say, I'm going to give you something, and they try to give
the very best that they have.
And for a woman, her heart is the very best that she has.
And sometimes, unknowingly, we will put it in our hands and hand it over.
And then we'll say, oh, how could you do that to me?
I told you I didn't like that.
I told you that hurt me.
I told you this.
I told you that.
I told you this.
I told you that.
You said you understood.
I told, I told, I told, I told, because you believe that your words somehow equal an understanding.
And that was never the, that's not the order.
The order is pacing and timing.
That's just the order.
And that helps you guard your heart without diligence.
And it helps you not have unrealistic expectations
of a person and put more on them
than they can bear as a human
or that they were even supposed to carry.
And you've loaded it on them and tell them
to carry something that they're not equipped to carry
because it just takes time.
So I hope that's helpful to you for that fear
because you don't have to live in fear.
Nobody has to live in fear.
You can submit to wisdom and operate from that place.
And actually when you do that,
you're gonna see fear leave you.
Yeah, on Christmas we were talking
and he'd said something, he'd asked a question
and he'd said something and immediately,
I hadn't told him about this conversation I'd had with God
and immediately God reminded me of the conversation I had
and I needed to, basically there was a shift.
There was a shift.
God had said that to receive
what God was trying to give me,
there were a couple of things that I needed to release.
And in that moment, that was something
that I needed to lean into and to release.
And so there was a shift after that.
A good shift, right?
A good shift, a good shift.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was good.
And we talked about it later
and he'd also noticed the shift, so it was pretty big.
Yeah, well, that's good, that's good, that's good.
So I'm happy that you like him.
You know, I'm gonna sing this song to you.
I'm really happy you like him.
That smile, who remember it?
I don't know, everybody's here when Ashley,
when Ashley, she's a different woman.
And it's not just because of this man,
she was this different woman before he came along.
You have blossomed so much, just had so much breakthrough.
That's been a word that I've been hearing a lot is blooming
with this song, Seasons of Blooming.
Yeah.
And I've also heard acceleration,
which is part of the reason why the whole thing's
been a little bit terrifying.
Yeah.
And yeah, and I show up, I know I show up different with him
but also I realized like I show up as myself.
This did it.
Right?
Yeah.
And I notice,
cause I am worried about the manipulation,
but at the same time, like I am feeling safe.
I'm feeling safe and I'm feeling seen.
And so I'm able to express and speak more
than I have in the past.
And it's safe every time.
That's good.
And so I'm gonna remind you.
And I've been responding, sorry.
I've been responding to my kids differently as well.
Oh, that's good.
It's coming everywhere.
Yeah.
It's coming everywhere.
That's so good.
I'm glad that you're in a time of acceleration.
I want you to pace yourself.
I want you to pace yourself and pace yourself
and pace yourself and pace yourself and pace yourself.
How many weeks have y'all been knowing each other?
Over a month now, like five weeks, I think.
So you've only known him for one month and one week.
I know you feel like you know him,
but I'm gonna remind you, look at the camera.
Look at me.
You don't know him.
Okay.
Now, you need to pace yourself
and pace yourself and pace yourself.
Because within you, when I say you don't know him
and you feel a deep embedding that you do,
you need to pace yourself and pace yourself
and pace yourself.
Because I am telling you, you know no one in five weeks.
You need to pace yourself and pace yourself
and pace yourself.
Those feelings that you have,
you gonna have to reel them in.
The more you think you know him,
the more you're gonna wanna be physical.
These are natural things.
It ain't just because it's Ashley, it's natural.
So you pace yourself, you pace yourself, you pace yourself.
If you don't, it doesn't matter
if you believe he's the one or not.
God is not in a hurry to get you
into some type of physical tie up with a man.
God is not in a hurry to get you to sex.
I'm gonna help you with that one.
There ain't no acceleration that he done put on your life
that's gonna cause you to operate in sin.
And it may say, well, Ebony,
what seems like the only thing you're thinking about sin?
No, I'm being real with you.
The more you cuddle, the more you walk,
the more you hold hands.
And those things cost you.
Because if he's the one.
that comes to bring restoration to your heart
is he's the one, if you find out down the road six months
that, oh, we really don't work but it was a fun time,
you wouldn't have traded everything over
in the name of what God said it was acceleration
but you're going down a path that doesn't look like God.
So if we're gonna hang out on the side of God
and what God is doing, then you wanna pace yourself
and pace yourself and pace yourself
because there could be acceleration
and you operate in wisdom and pace yourself.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I really like that.
Huh?
The pace yourself.
I just, I do really well with examples.
I'm like, I like pacing self examples.
If you feel like, you know something's moving fast.
You can feel it.
It's like, oh, you know it.
You can say like, this makes me nervous.
It's moving fast.
If you know it's moving fast,
you have to find a way to pull back.
You pull back by cutting your talk time down.
You do it with vigilance.
You do it and don't apologize for it.
You do it and say, we are moving fast and I like you
and my end goal as I date with intentionality
and I date for marriage, I'm going to help us
by helping myself less talk less.
That's what you do.
If you talk less, start doing other activities
when you, I mean, you have your children
so you have a very full life.
I understand that and you're already trying
to fit conversations in where you can, but pull back
and you tell them what you're doing, why you're doing it
and y'all could do it as a team.
It's not like you're coming in and trying to go against him.
You're telling him, I want us to make it for the long haul.
I know what I'm experiencing in my body.
I know what we've experienced together.
You know what it's like when you're around a person.
You know when the chemistry is high.
So all these things, you know, but you're going to have
to find a way to pace yourself and one good way
is to kind of tighten up on that communication part,
how much you talk or whatever it is.
If you have to, I know y'all do like weekends
when he comes down or you up or whatever it is.
Say, let's just spend one day together.
I mean, I dated someone that lived three hours away
and I was very paced because I know what distance can do.
And it can make you think in your heart
if you just had them there with you.
So there's already a momentum working in you
because you can't see them every day.
There's a momentum and it's going and it's building
and it's going and it's building.
And so you can check those areas and check yourself
when you feel like you know him
because I'm telling you, Ashley, you don't.
And if you rebel against me, tell inside of you,
if it books against me and you ain't been knowing him
for five weeks and I know you got good sense
and I know you know you can't know nobody in five weeks
and you feel that book say, hey, hey, what's that?
What's this thing that wants to be so sure
that you can't hear something outside of it, right?
You know, have you ever dated somebody
and you don't want nobody to say nothing to you about them
and they sound like they finna say something
against your good stuff.
You like, it's something in you that books up.
Like that's a real, real thing, right?
When you feel that book, say, hey, what's this about?
I don't have a scarcity mindset.
I'm open to hear.
Lord, I'm open to hear.
I'm open to hear.
I'm open, like you have to keep telling yourself,
you have to keep doing these things.
You have to be your own coach in your own head, Ashley.
And you gotta cause yourself to submit to wisdom
because you're not gonna do it on your own
because it feels so good.
And just, it do feel good, it do feel good,
but just keep showing up and keep spilling it all out.
Like, just like, this is what it is.
I mean, even if you don't wanna do it in the chat
or whatever, a private, like this is what it is.
This is where we are.
This is what's happening.
Give me wisdom.
Give me understanding.
Yeah, when you were talking to Lori during the one o'clock,
I was like, okay, got it.
Hearing it, I was like, I don't like it.
Oh yeah, oh, cause I was gonna say,
if you were at one o'clock and you had heard Lori,
it would have been very helpful to you
because she just laid it out and she was,
and I was like, hey, look, don't do that.
And she was like, okay, I like wisdom.
You're right.
Yeah.
You're not gonna have enough sometimes.
Don't take this like this.
Cause it's not, when we like somebody,
we just kind of lose our senses.
So it takes somebody outside of you that you say,
I know they're right.
Let me submit myself.
because if I don't have somebody to help me I'm gonna run amok. And it's true.
Yeah some of my problem has been that I feel like like things that I've been
hearing from God for a while like that they're coming that they're coming in
alignment and so that makes it harder as well. Yeah but it shouldn't make it
harder for you. The one way to keep your mindset clear is to operate
in purity. Okay that's why I keep hanging on because it's gonna blind you. So
whatever you're hearing from God is not going against you operating in purity.
Whatever you're hearing from God is not going against you operating in
boundaries. And if what you're hearing from God is causing you to go against
boundaries, that you're in a healthy program that told you that this serves
you best because they produce marriages, and this program is for kingdom
marriages, then something's in conflict here. Because the order of God doesn't go
against the Word of God. Okay and so the the promises of God don't say in a
little fine line um talk on the phone to somebody four hours out the day. Yeah.
Wisdom tells me there's too much if I want to make the long haul. Wisdom tells
me that at a certain height of liking a person we don't need to be coated up on
the couch watching certain type of movies. Wisdom tells me that I need to
guard some things. Right? So whatever opposes the order of God, that's an issue
and you need to deal with that issue. Yes the Word of God doesn't go against
boundaries and we think acceleration, we just throw everything in the bucket with
acceleration. And you have to be mindful not to do that actually. Does that make
sense? Mm-hmm. You really do. Um and that's just how they work and the best way to do
it is to pace yourself. You see better when you pace. Yeah. God knows the end so
he don't have a reason to be, to run. Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah. He's invested, yeah he's invested in your growth. He's invested in
your growth. He, God is very much invested in your growth. Okay. All right. You got this.
Thanks. You're welcome. All right. Oh we gotta go.
Lovetta. Lovetta did you see my, did you see my um my responses to you? I did. I
did. So the one fella that I was, I had a phone conversation with that I actually
thought might be you know halfway decent is the one that says like I'll call you
back and I haven't heard a word from him. No, no text after that response or after
my message back just saying looking forward to connecting again. Mm-hmm. Um so
processing through that um have um had some phone conversations with a few
other fellas um you know trying to keep things more surface level. Um what I'm
noticing is a lot of people go right into all their their stuff right off the
bat and just trying to to slow them down. Um supposed to meet with a fella on New
Year's Day. Um he was he's like two hours away. He was gonna we're gonna meet
like about three towns away from mine um for lunch. Of course it's Minnesota so
the weather's a little off. Um my questions with that one is you know I'm
52 so a lot of these men are like 59, 60 and like they're already on disability
things of that sort and it's like I'm working, I'm financially stable, seems
like a nice guy you know worth it to go on a date but I don't know like in the
long run if it would work out.
And then there's a fella that I've been messaging back and forth with um I
hadn't agreed to meet him tomorrow halfway you know I just suggested well
maybe we should go bowling. He's been asking a lot of questions, seems super
interested.
We've been learning a lot about each other and just like we're supposed to meet tomorrow
and like tonight on the app, it's like, well, women in menopause, how do you, you know,
like are you sexually active?
Like kind of went into that whole, like, you know, we're older, women in menopause, you
know, like don't necessarily always want to have sex.
Are you intimate?
Things of that sort.
And I, my response was like, this is too soon.
I feel this is too soon to be discussing issues like this with a person that I'm getting to
know and not in relationship with.
So then the response is, oh, I'm sorry, like, well, what would you like to know about me?
I guess where I don't think men understand is like, they're asking us such personal questions.
It's like, you're digging into like stuff that the person at the gas station shouldn't
know about and they won't like it if I ask them for the social security number or their
bank account, but they're asking me this information.
It's like, how do you respond to this stuff or do you just, just say we're not aligned?
Well, you responded very well.
If a man is asking you questions about sex, just go ahead and bless and block him.
You can respond for practice, practice response.
You did a good job with the response, but you know, just go on about your business.
If it's somebody that you're having a conversation with and y'all are meeting up or some of such
sorts, I want you to use that same language to them and say, hey, that's inappropriate.
I won't continue this conversation with that type of talk.
And to be honest with you, it's quite offensive.
And then you give them an opportunity to say whatever they're going to say.
And you can keep your cool.
You don't have to get upset when you let them know, hey, I don't like these types of conversations.
It's not appropriate and I won't have any parts of it.
And did you get rid of that guy I told you about?
The other one's still messaging.
He's trying to set up a date for Saturday and I've just been-
But what if he didn't respect your boundaries?
Oh, girl, I felt like a sausage on a plate.
I'm serious.
Did you get rid of him?
Yeah.
I think some of it's just the conversation, having someone to talk to.
Okay.
Yeah.
But I want you to know that I got a little mama bear over you when you told me that.
I don't know if you've noticed it in my message, but I was more direct than I would ever be.
And I felt it rise up in me and I was just like, okay, it's yours.
And so I got really mama bear at the moment.
But that's not someone good to keep around because he is repeating to you the lies that
you believe about yourself.
You don't keep that type of conversation around.
Right.
It's not the conversation you keep around.
That's the conversation you get rid of really quickly because he's come with a mission to
go against you.
He is not working for you.
That's what happens when a woman stays with a man who doesn't serve her.
She keeps him around because she doesn't want to be lonely.
Yeah.
And she saves all the things that he's done, but she's keeping him around to her advantage,
which makes her just as much as a user as he is.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
And so this is not to call your user.
I am telling you, you are selling yourself short to feel a space to have someone to talk
to and that does not serve you best because this is your season of empowerment and rising
up so that you can set the standard for your spirit mate so that you can meet him with
your eyes of your heart that have been enlightened with the truth and now operate in the truth.
You are no longer of a scarcity mindset.
You may feel like it, but you have to let him go because he represents scarcity.
That's what he represents in your life.
He is the stronghold of scarcity and the enemy has sent him on a mission to keep you
bound.
Okay?
And so he is the enemy, he is the threat.
If you want to look at it like that, he's the enemy of your soul because your soul is
already speaking these lies to you that you're not worthy, that you're not good enough, that
you're just good for sex and no man wants a woman unless she has sex.
When you keep company like that, it's going to keep, it's empowering those lies and we
need those lies and strongholds to break and fall to the ground.
Yes.
And the more we say no, I'm telling you, I did the experiment.
The more you say no to what doesn't serve you best, the better the pickings become.
It's just something that happens because what happens, we attract parts of who we are.
Now, you could say, well, I'm not a person who believes this or that and I keep attracting
that man.
Well, you know what to do, right?
When God told Adam to name the animals, he didn't name the fish, his wife.
He didn't name the whale his wife.
He gave them the name.
He didn't tell the dog, you my wife.
You call a dog a dog and a cat a cat.
So you got to call these men what they are and send them back.
That rhymes.
It's true.
The more you send back, you've identified them well.
So when the right thing comes along, you can identify it well and not accuse it of being
the dog or the cat.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I guess that helps them.
Okay.
So the one that's more local, I'll get rid of him.
The one that I was messaging with that I'm supposed to meet tomorrow that asked about
that, I think, you know, he did say like, well, what else would you like to know about
me?
I think I'll just say, hey, look, based off that last question you asked, I'm not seeing
that we're aligned.
And, you know, is that best to just get rid of him too?
Because clearly, I mean, we haven't even met and the question's coming up.
So that's just a blessing block also.
I think so.
Unless there is a level of, like, if you said something and he straightened it out and you
just want a coffee date and you don't feel like he is a threat in that way.
I know I'm not being double-minded when I say this to you.
He, you could bless and block him, but you said that you, yeah, that was inappropriate.
Go ahead and bless and block him.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
It's like, I haven't even met him yet.
I've tried to find a way, like, oh, is he that bad?
But yeah, that was inappropriate.
I mean, like, who hasn't had a phone conversation?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We were setting up to have a date and it's like, all of a sudden this question just comes
out of the woodwork.
I'm like, excuse me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And I was polite about it, but yeah, so through this process, I wonder, because they, you
know, the comment comes out and it comes even out of Jackie's mouth is, you attract what
you are.
And I've struggled with that.
Mm-hmm.
But I think you answered that question for me.
Yep.
It's not that we necessarily attract what we are, it's we attract what we allow.
Mm, that's good.
We attract what we allow.
Because the way you worded it tonight is the more you just keep swiping, the better the
pickings will be.
Instead, I just keep, and I have, like, usually when guys, I mean, and I have let go of a
lot of them.
Like, I just, I don't even answer the question and I just, you know, on apps that they start
getting inappropriate, I just let it go.
I usually don't even respond to it.
I just stop talking to them.
It's kind of like, that's when I go ghost.
Right.
So when it gets hurtful, but I know it's not just happening to me, it's happening to a
lot of people.
And then how to go about, like, with these, so that's a new mentality for me.
It's like, I just can't allow it.
Just keep going on and not let it affect me.
But then, like, there's these fellas that the banter is just pretty superficial.
It's not really going anywhere.
Drop the hint.
Like, oh, I'd really like to get to know you.
And like, I would like to get to know you too.
But there's no, like, helix to exchange numbers, set up a date.
Do you just let those fall?
Yeah.
You have to let them fall.
I'm going to tell you something.
I want to speak to something that's happening that I hear within you.
Dating online can be challenging.
Let me just clear that up.
It can be challenging and you're in kind of thick of that challenge part.
And I don't want you to lose heart.
And it is hard to stomach when somebody says you attract who you are.
And that is the truth.
Or you attract some of the truths you believe about yourself.
But where the game changer comes in at is when those things come and you throw them back.
Because you are not that person anymore.
Because somebody comes, that's not on you because they came.
You send them back.
And the more you do that, it's like you're putting up
a sign saying, low self-worth don't live here anymore, baby.
I ain't taking no stray cats.
I don't take in stray cats and feed them no more around here.
There's literally a sign up.
I know for my own life, if you could
been a flower on the wall over my life in the type of men
I used to entertain, in the type of things I used to do,
you will be like, that's you.
But I had to keep releasing and sending back.
Send back, no, no, no.
And it just kept going up and higher and higher.
Because there comes a time when you have to prune things out
of your life.
And you have to say, I'm taking no stray cats over here.
And when you're able to do that, what you're doing now,
it breaks scarcity off of you.
Because you're saying, I don't care what I got to choose from.
It don't take but one.
And you ain't it.
And if all 10 of y'all came, if 10 came,
I know another one is coming.
The fact that one came is proof enough to me
that another one is coming.
It don't feel like it.
Oh, it don't feel like it.
But it's true.
It's true.
And so, yes, you ain't taking stray cats
and feed them over there.
This is a new sheriff in town.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
OK, Trish is gone.
Megan.
Is Megan?
Hey, girl.
I'm sorry, girl.
I'm just trying to find my button.
Oh, hey.
You guys, we are well over time.
And we got like eight minutes left.
But y'all are free to go.
And I think I say this, everybody here already
knows that.
But I'm just telling you again, I
don't ever want you guys to feel like you have to hang out.
OK?
I'm just, I've worked this week.
I think I have more energy.
But go ahead, Megan.
Yeah, hi.
Sorry.
I think it's the first time I'm joining a live on your call.
Yeah, hey.
You've answered a few of my questions in the app.
So yeah, I just want to, first of all, say thank you so much.
It's really, really helped a lot.
Yeah.
And actually, just through the course of today's live session,
a lot of my questions have been answered.
So just with the pacing of being vulnerable
and things like that.
So I just wanted to say that.
I do have a question, though.
And this is to do with, so I'm towards the end,
I guess, of this module of the Seven Dates by God's Grace.
I didn't think I would, but I've got to it.
It's had a few challenges and things like that.
But it's gone really well, and I'm really enjoying it.
You did seven?
Yes, I got seven in.
Woo!
It had challenges, but yeah, I'm definitely
learning a lot about myself.
And I think one of the challenges
has been that even though it's meant to be dating to discover,
I find that I somehow put my heart in it.
And I think you have showed, just
talking about the vulnerability you were sharing earlier,
just having the different stages of vulnerability,
I think maybe that's probably one of where
my mistake has been coming from.
And also receiving the vulnerability, by the way,
because I find maybe guys tend to share a lot with me.
And then there's also a sense of connection,
which is probably a false connection as well.
And I have to keep reminding myself.
Sometimes I do say, you know what?
Actually, this is only just the second date with you.
So we can't talk about this or things like that.
So that's been good to learn that and learning more
about it.
But the question I have, now that I
feel like I'm getting towards the end of this phase,
is what is the transition from dating to discover
to dating back to finding a spouse?
If you know what I mean, right?
OK, yeah, now it's service level and things like that.
So how do you, yeah, how do you, what
does that transition look like?
The transition looks like, don't forget
to count up the things that you learn so that you
can take them with you.
But you're going to start fine tuning your search.
And you're going to now not entertain everything.
And not to say you were entertaining everything,
but you were a little bit more lenient.
I mean, as far as, I don't know how
you did it because this is my first time talking to you.
But ideally, this is the place I'm speaking from.
Ideally, you were dating somebody
who was respectful enough for you to have a lunch with
or have a coffee date with, right?
And so now you're fine tuning that
because you understand the dynamics of who you are.
And so now you are not probably accepting
such a wide range of people.
You're a little bit more intentional about who
you choose to give your time to because
You've done the dating thing, the repetitive dating, dating, dating,
dating, dating, and so you want to transition into more fine tuning
the people that you give an opportunity to take up your time.
And even if you select that person and you find out like, hey,
I don't think I'm a little bit interested in getting to know them as much.
You can say something because you've grown and you've learned some things.
You can be willing to release them a little bit more quickly because you should
have weaned out of you in this process.
Oh, if they're too short, you should have weaned out of you
entitlement.
You should have you should have weaned out of you by this time.
If you've been keeping with the teachings
and tracking the not showing grace, what he should be and what he shouldn't be
and how he better show up and how you need to show up and he don't chase me,
he don't do this and he don't pursue my all of those things.
Ideally, we would have weeded those things
out by now and you would have grown in capacity.
And so because you've grown in capacity, you show up differently.
Yeah, right.
And you learn.
That's why you that you learn, you learn and you learn that I'm a fruit
inspector, truly, and if I just take my time, I'll see.
Right. And so then that gives you the position
to be able to start fine tuning things.
Because you're not so much as focused on
dealing with all of this stuff, I just name happening in you.
And every time somebody say some of this
and you triggered and you fly off the handle because you've learned that this
is the issue in my heart, let me see to that.
And so to answer your question, I said a lot of random, but to answer
your question, you just start fine tuning your search.
You start if I can use these words, you start seeking out a higher quality.
Somebody that you more can see yourself with, like, you know, like, OK.
And when I say more can see yourself with you, not a ministry, but I'm coaching
to a whole group now or if they preach this and this, that you're not looking
for a reflection of yourself yet, you know, you're looking for marriage,
mind and mature and masculine.
Hmm.
A man that has a teachable heart, a man that's integrous.
That's how you measure somebody.
Are they teachable?
A teachable heart makes for a really good
marriage because they have a hunger in them for knowledge and to grow.
Are they submissive?
Do they have community?
Will they submit to order when things get haywire?
If you talk about a husband, will I be able to go to somebody who we've trusted
and say, hey, you need to talk to him, you actually listen to somebody?
Those are some of the measurement measuring things.
You use those type of measurements, right?
Those are more of a more qualitative
measurements to use for a person, not boxes.
Yeah, and is there I guess there's maybe no answer to this, but is there
like if you've been dating maybe a couple of people or someone,
is there like a time frame for that?
I know there are some suggestions in the notes
of, you know, maybe the first one to two months of discovery.
And then you have exclusivity and things like that.
But is there typically a time frame for that?
Like, because you know how you're saying, just with examples before you after five
weeks, you still don't know the person.
So when does it switch to now you know them?
You know, when is that switch, if at all?
I think that when you're continuing to know a person,
but Jackie says this is what she teaches out 90 days before exclusivity.
If you can do 90 days.
But if you cannot do 90 days, two months before you go exclusive with them
at their minimum, two months before you go exclusive.
Now, I'm going to tell you,
I know when you start liking somebody, they can seem like a long time.
But y'all, two months ain't but eight weeks.
The truth is, you know what?
You're right.
It's like only when you like somebody that you start adding up days.
Like, well, we start talking a half day on this day.
Well, really, I think it was like 18 hours
on this day because you want that time because you got sense enough to know
that you really don't know you haven't had enough time.
But I'm telling you something that I practice for my own life.
It wasn't it was this it wasn't easy, but I put myself under it.
I made myself wait 90 days for exclusivity.
And let me tell you, it makes all the difference in the world.
It just does.
It just gives you more time and it causes you to put yourself in a different order.
Now, there's acceleration that happens on things.
Some people are going to be married in six months.
It's just this is a thing.
But what do you do with the time that you
have before you get to the I do is what matters.
How did you spend your time? Did you spend?
in your time discovering each other,
understanding each other.
Did you spend yourself time sitting down in wise counsel
among wise mentors and working through things
because you have an understanding of things.
And so did you use that time wisely
or did you use it at the movies and La La Land,
kissing and cuddling,
like you can't keep your hands to yourself.
Well, you could have been using that time more wisely
to discover things that will help you.
Things that you can take care of on this side of I do
so you won't have to deal with it on the other side
because you're gonna have something to deal with
but some stuff ain't got to be dealt with.
It can be taken care of beforehand.
And so I said, before you go exclusive,
even the person, last person I went exclusive with,
he mentioned exclusivity to me in like three weeks.
And I was like, I know he ain't got no coach.
I didn't know that fella.
Me and don't, the most of these people you meet
don't have anybody coaching them.
I said, that is flattering that you will want to do that.
I said, but these are some of the rules I operate in.
Yeah.
If you want to be exclusive with me
and we make it this far, check back with me on this date.
Because I date for, I date with intention
and I'm marriage-minded.
And so if I go exclusive with you,
that means I've considered you to be,
you could possibly be a spouse to me.
And so if I come out the market for somebody,
oh, well, we doing some business then.
This business now, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
No, thank you so much, Yvonne.
So I did.
Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
Hey, Patty, you put your hand down.
Did I, did you raise your hand, Patty?
No, I didn't have my hand up.
Oh, hey.
Sandy, Sandy like, I'm next.
Hey.
I'm next.
Okay.
So I just wanted to say like, Audrey,
you are so cute in your little hat.
Isn't she cute?
It's so adorable.
I know.
I wish I could pull that off.
Anyway, so Ebony, I wanted to share a win with you.
So I was, this guy and I had mutually matched on Facebook.
And so he was driving back from Georgia or whatever.
Anyway, he asked me,
he said something like the next morning,
he said, you mentioned your faith in your bio.
May I ask where you go to church?
May I ask what DOM nomination?
And I was like, oh my gosh, like, this is really cool.
And so I told him, I said, good morning.
My agenda typically start blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I was raised non-denominational.
KJV would love to chat more about church in person, right?
Cause I'm not like, I'll give you a little bit,
but I'm not, I'm doing this thing in person.
And then he says, would you like to meet for a beer
or a coffee?
I was like, well, I don't drink, but a coffee sounds good.
And so then he says, I understand and respect your beliefs
in Christ and your choice not to drink.
I feel differently and think that we are not meant
to be a couple.
I wish the best for you in the future.
And I'm sure there's a partner for you
with the same beliefs, take care.
I was like, what?
Like, where did that come from?
And so part of my brain went to,
I wonder if my ex put someone up to like trying to
not spy on me, but trying to get information for,
you know, like that was one of the places my brain went.
But anyway, it was just like, deuces, bye.
You know, if you're at that level,
even if that's something that, you know, whatever.
I mean, it's like, if you're at that level,
I don't have time to kind of explain all this stuff to you.
Okay, so that was my win.
My question is this guy and I,
he lives about an hour away from me.
And so he'll, every now and then he'll come this way.
And he's like, well, when I come out to Bass Pro Shops
or whatever, you know, like, so he lets me know.
He's like, hey, I'm in the area, you know, can you meet up?
I'm like, oh, like I can meet you for,
from this time to this time.
It's gonna be short though.
So I finally met up with him after we had kind of
chatted a little bit here and there on the app.
And so met up with him, we talked for like an hour.
I told him my book ended it,
cause I said, I have to take care of my dog
and let my dog out during my lunch break
because like I work 10 hour days.
And so we met, so we went in there to Starbucks
and he couldn't even buy me a drink.
I'm like, I bought my own drink.
I was like, so I was kind of like mental note, right?
Like it was a, it was a, like a four or $5 drink.
drink. I'm like, like, I'm not buying dinner. Like we're not,
you know. Anyway, so that was kind of like my mental note that
I made. I was calling her. Um, we sat down, we chatted for a
while we got to talking about because it was Christmas and
stuff. Um, we had talked about our kids and stuff. He is. I'm
non denominational Christian. He's Methodist. I don't know
what did I don't know much about the differences between that.
But the way that he talked and what he stood for was really,
really on point. One of his, he's got two girls, they're
both. They're both adults. One of them is claiming she's a boy.
And she's, she's not willing to have a relationship with him
until he admits that she's a boy. He refuses to. So he's
taken a really hard stand on it's a very basic stand, but
it's a really hard stand on the truth versus his, his, his child
his daughter. Um, and so we kind of talked about that we see eye
to eye on some of the basic stuff, you know, where the word
and faith comes in, we seem to be like set eye to eye on, you
know, like, what he talked about was, I wouldn't say impressive,
but it aligned with what I would have wanted in someone,
right. Um, and so I told him, I said, Well, I had a really great
time would love to do this again. He said, Me too. I gave
you my phone number. We, we texted I think, like the next
day, because we met Christmas Eve, I think the next day was
Christmas and whatever. So he's like, Hey, I'm doing, you know,
I'm over my families. And I said, Yeah, I got a young lady
that from the church that came over and we're hanging out
together. And I didn't want to like, start like getting into
this text mode a lot. So after he told me that, hey, I'm
grilling and doing all this stuff with my family. I didn't
text him back for like, two days or something. And so I messaged
him back. And it was just like, like, there wasn't a bump in the
road. And it's just like, Hey, how's it going? He's like, Yeah,
I'm going out playing golf or blah, blah, blah, whatever. And
then I didn't text him back again until today. Was it today?
Yeah, today. And I just don't know. He hasn't asked me back
out again. But he seems like I don't know if I need to like,
prod him to do that. I mean, we do live a little ways away from
each other. I don't want to just keep texting him. So I don't
know what that next, like protocol is. And, you know, and
at this point,
um, I would, um, my encouragement would be to, you
know, say, Hey, I'd love to get to get to know you. You're
someone that I would like to get to know. I know that we've been
doing a lot of texting, but I want to have more experiences
with you. And so, um, yeah. So what does that look like for
you? Ask him like, you know, what does that look like for
you? So that's makes sense. You're because I'm trying to
avoid you saying let's go on another date. So that's why I'm
saying that. So you will say, Hey, I've been enjoying getting
to know you. I know we've been texting a bit much, but because
I do want to get to know you, I would prefer that we have more
experiences, live experiences together. Tell me your thoughts
about that. And what does that look like for you? And so that's
you expressing what you want, then putting the ball in his
court. He knows what your heart is, what your desire is, and you
put it in his court to make a plan to take you to dinner or to
lunch. And when he responds back, if he's like, yeah, that
sounds good to me. And then now he should say more than that.
But if he doesn't, let's say he, he ain't up on the fashion like
that. He don't know what to say. So, well, great. Let me know the
place and time. Then if he says something like, well, you choose,
no, no. Just respect, like I said, let me know the place and
time. And then any other foot pushback after that, just don't
respond.
Okay, is it too? Is it rude to wait a couple days to text back?
Like, I mean, like with, um, because like I said, after he
texted me Christmas, it was like a couple days later. And then
because like I said, I didn't want to get into this. Like,
we're constantly texting each other. And we really haven't
been.
Oh, so you've been intentionally not texting him because you
don't want to get into texting. Exactly. They could give out
look like you're not as interested to kind of
Does he retext back kind of quickly? He does, yeah. Yeah, no, it's okay. You were just doing
what you thought was needed to be done so you won't get into a texting relationship
and so you make it known to him what you desire. Okay, do I let him know that I'm like
kind of that I don't want to get into like a texting marathon with him?
Well, I thought that part of what you were going to say is that I know we've been doing
a little texting here and there. Oh, you can just add I'm more of a phone call person.
I'm more of a phone call person. I prefer to talk on the phone. But anyway, I wanted to let
you know that I do enjoy spending time with you and I'm interested in getting to know you more.
And so then you just put both of those things in the same message.
You know, then ask him what are his thoughts about that?
Okay, sounds good. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, and did you try that? I forgot who suggested it
when we were talking about dressing up. Yeah. Did you do that with AI or talk to your daughter?
Or talk to your daughter? I did not do it with AI. What I did is I talked with I found this thing,
it was like daily look, but it's like stitch fix. It was really expensive.
But I talked with my daughter about it. I think and I'm going to try the AI thing. I don't know
if I can just like upload a bunch of my stuff in my closet and put stuff together for me.
But I've been working toward that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I did it. So what you do is you take a
picture of yourself and load it into AI or chat GPT, right? And you say, I am wanting to spruce
up my wardrobe. This is my age. I need, give me a color palette, right? And the type of clothing
that will look best for me. And you can also say, I want to jazz it up. I don't know how to do that.
Listen, I got back all of my colors, what looks best on me, the type of pants, type of skirt,
the type of shirt. It is amazing. Sandy, all of you ladies, if you're having love, you know,
want to know your color palette and you don't know, stick your picture in there. Like AI is good. I
got it all wrote down, but I've been buying the colors. I've been looking at it, holding up and
stuff like, Oh, that does look good on me. Or, you know, and things I hadn't even thought of. It'll
tell you like, Hey, you would do really well. If you put a cream top with a, for me with a green
skirt, like some kind of green, they said, I can't remember. And it's true. And so they were like,
you're, you look good on corals and rays. And that is so true. I buy a lot of core and lottery
because people have always complimented. So put your picture in there, preferably a full body one,
and then tell them you want to know your color palette. You want to spruce up your getting into
the dating scene. Um, you know, how should you do your hair? How would your hair look best? Like
all of these things. It's lovely. I did an AI picture with me and I was like, put me next to
a really, um, attractive man. That's about his mid forties. And I got the little scruffy beard
thing going on. And it did. That's cute. That's good. That's good. Where do I find this to put
my picture in and such? Just go to chat GPT, chat, GPT, chat, GPT. Um, Kim, tell me my dancing shoes
are sitting by the door. Oh, Ebony. Um, first of all, I'm not on camera because I, I got the flu
for Christmas. Yay me. Um, so I've been sick for about a week now, but, um, and it was an urgent
care on Friday. It was really bad, but that's okay. I, you know what? I'm praising the Lord
in my flu because you know what? It gave me, it gave me this time away from our, for me to process
and to deal with all my own stuff with it. And the Lord has used this time, you know, so I'm just
praising for the flu right now, even though, because I really, I needed that because I felt
like I was feeling pressured and, and all of that. So it's been good. Um, also today, your call was
on fire today at noon and I, I got a lot out of that. So I realized today that, you know, we kind
of went into exclusivity without having the talk. It, it was kind of a, well, it wasn't really assumed
I think by him, but we talked and at the time I wasn't seeing anybody else. And he said something.
and I go, I'm not really seeing anybody else right now,
but we never discussed it.
And because I had to talk about marriage-minded
on our second date, and he, remember,
I don't know if you remember that,
but he was like, at this age,
I didn't think that would be a thing
because he's a widow of 57 years and all that.
But we've never revisited that.
So I've been working on the way I'm gonna bring this up.
I mean, we're gonna talk about this
because I need to say, listen,
well, we're almost four months in now.
And I mean, he's an incredible guy, there's no doubt.
He might be one of those good fish
I might have to throw back, but I don't know yet.
I don't know yet.
I'm not gonna throw him back yet,
but I'm just saying he's just amazing.
He is absolutely, I mean, he's very good.
But he didn't get to go to church with me.
And that was the plan because I was sick
and he was sick too.
So he still hasn't been to my church and that got delayed,
but he asked to go, you know?
So he, you know, and he very much said,
well, he said the wrong word though.
This was, well, this is my thought about it
with the Catholic thing.
But he said, I know, he goes,
I really do wanna get more religion.
And I'm like, oh, Marv, it's not really religion
that we're talking about here.
We're talking about something a lot deeper than that.
But I didn't go there with him yet,
because he's just, he doesn't know.
He just doesn't know what he doesn't know.
But I do think, you know, he seems open.
He seems, as you always say, maybe he's possibly teachable.
But anyway, I'm ready to have the conversation
and say, listen, okay, I talked about this
at our second date.
We've never revisited it.
Have you thought any more about it?
But I did tell you I'm marriage-minded.
And where are you?
What do you think about that?
And where are you with all this?
Because it's like, I don't wanna keep going in this,
because I do, I mean, I do like him,
and I do have some feelings.
And I don't wanna keep going if he's not marriage-minded.
So I need to have that talk, right?
I need to have that talk.
And so I'm real clear.
I've got more clarity.
I wasn't feeling as clear.
I'm real clear about what I need to do,
how I'm gonna say it.
I've been working on my conversation,
practicing it, and all of that.
So yeah, so I'm feeling pretty good,
even though I've been sick.
And this was, I haven't been,
I don't think I've had the flu since I was 38.
So it's like, because I always got the flu shot,
and it always seemed to work.
But man, I'll tell you, apparently this one is a bad one,
and it's not matching with the flu shot,
I don't think, as well.
So everybody be careful and wash your hands.
I'm just saying.
But anyway, but no, I'm feeling pretty good.
I mean, he's definitely all in.
There's no doubt about that.
And we did spend time over Christmas.
He was around my family.
I was around his.
And he's got an incredible family.
He fits in pretty well with my family, too.
So that's all good.
And my daughter came to me and said,
oh, mom, I really like him.
He is, you know, he is so nice.
And she goes, way better than your last one.
I go, well, yeah, no, I would say that, too.
But anyway, so that's where I am with it.
But I'll tell you what,
I love that you're doing these little teachings
and kind of refreshing all the stuff with us.
I appreciate that.
And today really, really did help me a lot.
And hearing you talk to Lori and just tonight,
even with the ladies and, you know,
and about the physical with Ashley and all of the things,
it's like, because, you know,
we kind of got into a little bit of that stuff on,
you know, a little kissing on the couch, too.
And I'm glad this slowed things down.
I need to pace and I need to keep it slower, so.
Yeah, that's good, Kim.
And I want to do this just for one of the things
that you're struggling with,
this thing about him and church and things of such sorts.
If you haven't done this,
I want you to write down this question
and just ask to the Lord.
You can say it any way that best suits you,
but you can ask the Lord, you know,
you can say, you know, Father God or Jesus,
however you want to talk to him,
is whatever his name, what's his name, John?
Have you ever told me his name?
His name is, well, his name is Marvin,
but he hates that name.
So he goes by Marv, M-A-R-V-E.
Okay, is Marv your best for me?
And if he is, let me know.
And if it's not, let me know.
Because it's time to make a decision
and your vote is the one that matters the most.
Okay.
Okay, because if God says that Marv
is the one that's going to serve your life best,
it's going to help.
He already knows, God knows what you don't know.
And your reservation about him being careful.
or not understand relationship and difference in Christ and things of such sorts,
God counts that cost up. You're trying to count that cost up, but you don't have the ability to
do it properly. You're limited. Well, I want God to tell me what to do, but I have a hard time
hearing him sometimes. But you won't miss this because you're in the valley of decision.
You're telling the Lord and don't feel the pressure. Say this to him, pray this prayer to
him. Say, Lord, it's time for decisions to be made and your vote counts. This is what I'm
measuring, but you do such a better job than me. Is Marv the one that you've designed to
serve my life best? If he doesn't serve my life best, let's do away with this. And you'll see.
So no pressure, just what you're doing is transitioning. You're giving the authority
over to the Lord to do what he needs to do. And before now, you were a little bit nervous
about that because it was good. You were having so much fun. You remember you said,
I want to know, but it kind of like, I don't know. It was just fun and we were having such a good
time. And it's like when you've been in the drought or things haven't been good for a while,
you just kind of want to have some enjoyment, enjoy it. And that's kind of what I was going
through. I understand that. I could have been very well, would have done the same thing.
There's nothing wrong with it. That's a normal thing. It's okay. So let's do that as you move
forward. I think that you're going to find a lot of clarity when you switch over from the decision
maker to the one that receives God's input, because he does have input. That's great to hear.
I mean, he knows that man and he knows how well he's going to serve your life.
Yeah. Okay. That's great. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Ladies, don't forget to come
all dolled up with your cameras on and don't not show up cause you didn't do it. Just come on
anyway. Cause y'all know, I want to see you and I want to know what you got going on and I'm going
to, and yes, thank you Shekinah for putting that in there. Go to the play store to your app store
and download check GPT. I missed some instructions there. Don't forget to check out for the
activation that I'm going to post it. I really want you guys to spend some time with it.
And it was a good night and I enjoyed you all and we're going to get our time back on track.
Trust and believe me. Good night, ladies. Good night. Bye. Good night. Thank you.
Good night. You're welcome.