All right, how are you ladies doing tonight?
Good.
Oh, good.
Now, I'm not going to be able to see everybody's face at the same time because my computer
wants to act strange on tonight.
It act strange the other day, but I had my backup laptop with me and I did not bring
my other laptop for work and so now I'm stuck with the janky one that doesn't want to act
right.
And so, it is so good to see all of y'all tonight.
Can y'all hear me well?
It's so weird being on my phone.
Okay.
Can you hear me well?
Oh, great.
Okay.
So, let's just pray.
Father God, I thank you for tonight.
I thank you for your wisdom, your guidance, and your understanding.
I thank you that we have things that we're working through and heaven has solutions.
And so, I thank you for solutions tonight that go straight to the core of the matter.
I pray that you lead in God my words and our words, Lord God, so that we may truly get
the fulfillment that we're desiring in what we say.
In Jesus' name, amen.
So, I see that everyone enjoyed the activation.
Is that true?
It was a fun...
If you didn't get in on the activation, I want you ladies to go back and check it out.
But it was a really, really, really fun activation.
Anybody want to share a particular experience they had when they were doing the activation?
Something that stood out to you?
Maybe something came alive that you didn't know wasn't awakened.
And when it woke up, it's like, oh, I didn't know you were there.
Hey, Heather, it's been a long time.
It has.
Hi.
Hey.
So, good to see you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Anybody want to share?
If you do, you just unmute and share.
I see someone in the thing say, oh, my injury is vibrant.
Thank you.
Nobody wants to share.
Okay.
Is this sharing about the stuff for the activation from last week?
Yeah.
I can share real quick.
I was actually on Saturday, I had gone to meet up with the single city Cleveland group
that I had been a part of.
And we were going around to different shops in the area after we had gone to a tea room.
And I didn't wear them tonight because I didn't even think about it.
But I had gotten some earrings, and they are a little bit dangly earrings, a little
more than what I had gotten.
And they looked really pretty, so I thought they would be good to wear on Zoom.
Yeah.
That's cute.
That's nice.
I like a good old pair of earrings.
I saw your post, and I really like earrings.
I meant to post a picture of them, but I forgot to take a picture of them.
Oh, well, cool.
Maybe next time you can wear them so we can see them, and then you can take them out very
quickly if you want.
They don't have to do that.
Earrings have their own fashion.
They don't have to always match.
I'll have to do that.
Yeah.
Well, that's so awesome.
I guess I did skip a couple of things.
You guys remember if you purchase, these are a couple of announcements, if you purchase
this time of the season, it's still available.
You can still go back through the replay, go through all the information that you got,
so don't forget that.
They're still there for you to have access.
Anyone on tonight that's new, it's your first time being on the Zoom call with us?
Yes, this is my first time.
Dana.
Is it Dana?
Yes.
Okay.
I'm working from two screens.
Oh, okay.
Dana.
It's also...
Oh, sorry.
Go ahead.
It's also mine.
I mean, I've been to the ones for the heart work, like when I was doing heart work, and
I still am, always a work in progress, but my Bible study is usually at eight o'clock,
and I'm a teacher, so I can't really go to one o'clock, but today was meal packing at
church, so I'm here.
Oh, good.
Go ahead.
It's great that you're new, because I've never seen you post.
Yeah, so I'm going to try and find more time maybe during the school day, because that's
my planning, but it's hard, because I never want to miss out on small group, but I also
never want to...
I'm a teacher, so it's a hard mix for me on Tuesdays.
Yeah.
I like a mix.
Why?
Air quick.
Is it still happening now?
No, maybe it's, one minute.
Original sound for musicians, noise removal.
Let me try something.
Better?
It could.
No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whenever I mute and talk and vice versa.
Oh, wait, can you hear me now?
It's you, Ebony.
It's me, yeah.
I do believe it's me, Erica.
Okay, so there is something called noise removal, right?
Which means it takes out all the echo and status
if you go to the left-hand, oh, wow, the feature moved.
You stopped echoing just a second ago,
so can you talk for a second, Ebony?
Yes.
You're not echoing now.
I'm echoing now.
No, you just stopped echoing.
Oh, wow, hallelujah, hallelujah.
I hope it doesn't start back.
What grade are you?
Noise removal.
I'm a reading specialist, so I sort of go in and,
well, I don't go in.
I work with grades four through six.
My sixth graders I've had since third grade,
so now we're on year four,
but I also teach small groups
for fourth grade and fifth grade,
and then I go into classrooms and model for new teachers,
and I write curriculum, so I'm busy.
Yeah, you are busy.
I teach third grade, ELAR, and so, yeah, you are-
Love ELA, love ELA.
That's my passion.
Well, if you teach reading, I kind of assumed it.
Maybe it was, yeah?
It was, yeah, I write curriculum,
so if you ever want any ideas or anything, come at me.
I love to do it.
I love it.
Oh, wow, Karen teaches fourth grade, too.
She just posted, I didn't want to miss that comment,
and there are more teachers,
lots of teachers, actually, in this program,
and so, are in good company.
Yeah, yeah, so good to have you.
This is an exciting phase.
Yeah, thank you for helping our kiddos.
We appreciate it.
Hats off to you.
It takes patience to help a child read.
Yeah.
Yeah, and so, I used to think
I wanted to be a reading specialist
until I worked with my kids on Saturdays,
and Stephanie is a former teacher.
I didn't know.
Yes, that's right, you posted that.
I did know that.
I just didn't know that I knew that,
but anyway, so happy to have you.
This is such an exciting phase.
I tell all the ladies that when you come out of hard work,
oh, I didn't know you were in San Antonio, too.
Okay, I won't do any more of those.
I didn't know you were so close.
When we come out of hard work and we get into phase two,
it's time to work out the hard work
and work out all the stuff that we learned.
Feeling that.
Yep.
Yes.
Woo!
Yeah, so great to have you.
Guys, don't forget,
we just always want to encourage you ladies
not to feel like you have to rush through this phase,
or I know when we get into the program,
I've been in the program, I was in the program,
but this is a new year,
so I guess it's about four years ago now,
but when you get into the program,
you come in, it's like once I get my heart healed,
that's how it works, right?
Then my spouse is going to come
and then you get in phase two,
and we're like, oh, well, you need to date.
We want you to date to discover yourself.
And you're like, I ain't got time for no dating
to discover myself.
I don't want to waste my time.
And so then there's this temptation
to kind of rush through it,
but see this as your equipping center
to give you capacity for marriage,
to help you grow in grace,
to help you grow in forgiveness,
and to expand you into a level of self-awareness
that will be beneficial for you,
not just in dating, but in life overall,
and especially for the marriage that is to come,
because hard work is one of those things that don't stop.
As long as there's a fence in the world,
we're going to have some hard stuff to work through.
It's just the way it is.
So don't forget that we also offer one-on-one coaching
for you ladies that have something
that we cannot unpack over the community page
or coaching or even on the Zoom.
So let's get going.
So tonight, if you are at one o'clock,
it's already full,
but tonight is going to be a special night
because it's one of my most favorite topics to talk about
because I was very much a carrier of this.
And so we're going to be talking about entitlement tonight.
Entitlement.
Look under the resources tab
and it'll have everything that you need there.
We're going to talk about entitlement,
how we recognize titles of entitlement in our life,
if we're operating in it,
and then how we can help ourselves
turn into lean in a different direction.
So I got some good notes,
but I'm going to try to move through them
as quickly as I can.
And we want to shift from entitlement to empowerment and healthy connections.
And I think that's why I enjoy this so much.
I think why it's so beneficial in my life because when you deal with entitlement and
you disconnect from it, it does push you into empowerment and it changes the way you show
up in the world, not just on a date, but in the world with people.
And so just if I can't say this enough, but I want you to know that phase two is not just
for people who are dating, it's for everybody because you learn so much in this phase.
It really is something that helps expand your capacity.
So I want to define entitlement for you.
It is the belief that we deserve something simply because we want it.
It's an expectation of having expecting outcomes or responses or behaviors without honoring
another person's free will.
So I want that to kind of marinate down on the inside of you.
It is the expectation of a particular outcome, a response or behavior without honoring another
person's free will.
We frame entitlement in dating as expectation.
Yes, I can say it again and slower.
It's one of the best things you could ever hear.
Entitlement is the belief that we deserve something simply because we want it.
Entitlement is also expecting outcomes, responses or behaviors from people without honoring
their free will.
OK, so it kind of sounds like.
You could at least do that.
If I did that, you could do this.
You're not honoring a free will.
If I did, so can you do in return without even your permission.
This is a requirement.
And then we entitlement is more framed like it's an expectation without consent.
So you expect something from someone, but they have not given you consent.
They have not agreed to it.
And we see this show up in our relationships, especially depending on what, you know, and
all dynamics of relationships.
But especially, especially, especially in dating, in dating, which is in marriage, but
it's there.
And so I want to talk about how, starting now, how a broken heart is actually the core
of what leads to entitlement.
The brokenness in our hearts and our wounds, we actually use entitlement as a way to cover
ourselves, to protect ourselves.
And so past hurt, disappointments or rejection can create this unconscious belief that one,
I don't know how many of us have not had this.
I can say that I've had both.
God owes me.
Or two, he owes me.
Or somebody owes you for what you've gone through.
You owe me, right?
And then it's not that you didn't have the pain, but we want to get to a place where
we can acknowledge our pain without it letting, without it driving us to entitlement.
So what does that sound like?
That sounds like I'm different now.
I can continue to heal and approach new connections with openness instead of unhealthy expectations.
I am healed now.
I can continue to grow and honor others without expecting unhealthy expectations.
Are we, are we all together on this?
Yeah.
Good.
All right.
What are some common ways that entitlement shows up in dating?
Expecting reciprocal interests.
I gave him an example.
I like him, so he should like me back.
I mean, I called him twice.
He could call me back.
I sent a text this morning and, and I responded to one of his texts, he still haven't called
yet.
Now remember, we're not talking about, we're not, don't let this go well.
So what's the rule for that?
That's not what this is about.
This is what has happened internally inside of you, the expectation that someone should
give something to you that they have not consented to.
And so entitlement kind of says, because I did it, you should, and you better, right?
Oh, you should pay for my meal.
I'm the queen, I'm the woman,
you should pay for my meal.
Now, this is not about,
is it masculine for a man to pay for a lady's meal?
That's not what this is about.
This is about the expectation that
somebody should do something for you.
I am not, this is no way a hit on,
if a man, when he's masculine,
is there a level of thought that a man
should pay for your meal?
Should is not the best word,
but it would be kind and honorable
of him to pay for your meal.
That's what masculine men do.
See, that is a reframing of the word
instead of saying what you should do for me.
He should talk to me.
He should DM me first.
He should reach out to me first.
I'm not gonna reach out to him first.
This is what someone should do for me.
And your reason for being for you is just cause it's me.
So I hope that you're tracking with me.
Or I share my feelings with this person
so they owe me a response.
And we can know that we kind of believe
that in the core of our belief system,
if someone shares their feelings with us
and we feel like we have to give them our feelings back.
So maybe you say, I ain't never thought that.
If I share, I just share what I wanna share.
But if they share and you feel this inclination
that I have to give something back,
that goes against your own free will
to make a decision when you wanna share something
and when you wanna open up.
And the reason why you feel a tug on it
because it is going against your own order.
But you feel this tug because it's like,
well, if you give something, I have to give something.
And that's just not the case in that way.
There's this time invested entitlement too.
So this is around dating,
but we can come up with a lot of other examples,
but you can apply it across the board.
We've been dating X amount of weeks or months,
he should commit.
Now, we already know that you're in a coaching program
and you've already been given really great wisdom
on how to pace for healthy connections
and long lasting connections.
There is a pace that has to happen.
But sometimes we say, well,
I don't wanna say that I love him
and then he don't say it back.
I'm gonna feel bad.
I don't wanna say how I feel
because then they don't say it back.
It's gonna really hurt.
Now, I understand that that is your thought process,
but the expectation that because you feel a certain way,
somebody else should feel the same way in return
does not serve you best.
And then again,
that's rooted in a sense of entitlement, right?
I do, you do.
But when you take someone else's free will away,
you also strip you of your own free will
because you do not apply to others
what you do not apply to yourself.
And so an option is I can share how I feel
because this is how I feel,
whether they reciprocated or not,
because how I feel is not based on their reciprocation
of how I feel.
This is true to me.
So,
does it also include being fair and obligation?
Deidre, I don't know what exactly what you're referring to,
but I will follow up with you
to give me a little more clarity on that question.
Okay.
And the emotional labor expectations,
expecting someone to heal or grow at your pace.
Now, that's a big deal.
Many of you know my story,
I've been married and divorced,
and this is a real thing.
You see it a lot in marriages,
it's in relationships,
but people just keep going.
They don't know how unhealthy it is.
Out of a scarcity mindset,
you make you someone to keep them around,
but you know they really need to grow.
And so you say, that's okay,
I'll help them grow.
And you don't realize
that they're not gonna grow on your timetable.
They're not gonna heal on your timetable.
And so you get involved with them
and you keep telling them what they should be,
who they should be,
how they should be.
Because of this,
this is what you believe.
You expect they should grow at a certain pace,
but that's not people.
That's not you.
The only way is you,
if you haven't gone through a real healing
and growth process.
Because if you ever go through a real healing process,
a real growth process,
it brings a level of self-awareness to your life,
that it is worth its weight in gold.
And you find that you become more gentle,
more graceful,
more forgiving,
more loving.
You bend more towards people
and you say, I understand.
You also understand enough to know
They have to go and where you can't go with them.
You see people for where they are without judging them.
And say, that's where you are.
I understand.
I can't let that be my starting place
because I know it's uphill journey for him
because I've been there before.
I've been there before and I know how far we got to go
and I'm not willing to take the ride with you.
One other thing what happens is sometimes we forget
and we've all said this, and this is not a you thing,
this is a we thing.
And I wanna keep saying we
so that you don't ever feel any shame or embarrassment
because all of us, unless you exclude yourself, it's fine,
have entitlement of some sense.
Whether culture played it into our life
or whether it came through our family dynamics,
there's just this level of expectation sometimes we have
based on our dreams, our hopes and our wishes.
And so I'm gonna continue to keep saying we
because I want you to find yourself
in this teaching on tonight
so that you can go from entitlement to empowerment.
I just wanna add this as we keep going,
that's the reason why I love this faith so much.
I went from entitlement and unforgiveness
and not showing any grace and about what I want,
I want, I want, and you need to be, be, be, be, be,
be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be,
for me and for ministry.
Because it's a God thing that I didn't see people,
I didn't see men, I only saw myself
and I want a replica of myself.
And I had to find out that God was not like me.
And as I broke down through those things
that were very unhealthy,
I came out to be a more empowered person for it.
And in applying these teachings
when you can find yourself, honestly,
you really will go in just that bit of a moment
from entitlement to empowerment.
And an empowered woman is a woman to be reckoned with.
She is an amazing woman.
She's not intimidated when a man comes along
who does not meet up to the place that where she is,
she simply tosses him back in love and grace.
She doesn't think it's about her,
she understands that everybody's not in the same place.
She doesn't get offended, maybe a sting,
when some people show up a certain way
because you can see that that's just where they are.
And I can leave you where you are,
I don't have to take you with me, okay?
And so communication style demands,
we'll find entitlement hiding in these places.
He should know how to communicate better.
He should just know what to say.
I never had that happen before, I'm back.
Or if he cared, he texts more or differently.
Relationship timeline expectations,
believing there's a right pace
and others should match yours or past hurt compensation,
which I was the, like you could have put the cuffs on me
and I thought I wasn't that person.
Well, we're not gonna put the cuffs on me,
I'm being mindful of my words.
But I was very, I can say, ouch,
you would have stepped on my toe with this one.
Expecting someone new to repair old wounds.
And that's a sneaky thing
because I thought I was not that woman.
I really thought I wasn't.
But when a person started to get closer to my heart,
it would all come out.
I wasn't like that when we first started talking
because I didn't have nothing to lose.
But the close, and that's why dating is so,
it sharpens you in a way.
The closer they got to my heart,
they begin to have to pay for what somebody else did.
And so in my head,
even if I kept it under wraps for a little while,
I questioned what they said and what they did.
Like, oh, it's 9.30, you put me on hold for 30 minutes?
And you said you didn't know who it was
when you clicked, when you put me on hold?
How you don't know who called your phone at 9.30 at night?
I'll keep a record.
Ching, ching.
And then if it happens again,
like I'm intentionally keeping record of what you're doing.
And so I am waiting for it to happen again
because, mm-hmm, I'll see.
But don't you know that that's me making this person pay
for what somebody else did?
Someone else broke my trust.
Someone else betrayed me.
So I'm not taking this person at their word
because they're gonna have,
they're paying for what someone else did.
And so now they get questioned.
And it'd be like, I'd be like, oh, okay.
You didn't know who was calling you this time of night?
Mm, at 9.30, mm, okay.
Next time something happens.
And so little things like that,
I would do that in different way,
oh, all kind of ways.
And my driving force was the last one got me,
but you won't get me.
Oh, you won't bamboo for me.
You won't get one over on me.
You won't.
treat me, I'm going to protect myself.
And I'm going to keep record of everything you do.
So when it happens again, I'll know.
But I was guarding myself.
I was withholding myself.
And I was doing it to that person
that I was getting to know.
And they didn't even do anything.
And now they have to literally fight
with somebody who already believes they're guilty.
Because what we don't know, we've
already deemed them guilty.
So they're trying to prove themselves
to somebody who already decided they were guilty because
of what someone else did.
And what these poor men don't even know,
it's probably almost impossible for them to redeem themselves.
Because they're only a level to a place
that a person can please you.
Even in pleasing you, they can't go in
and heal the wounds of your heart.
So they will have to be perfect 24-7
to keep proving something to you.
But they will never prove it to you because you have a wound.
Wounds don't heal from somebody proving something to you.
Because the same way they prove one thing to you,
they're going to show you something else
because they're human.
And then you tie your hands and your ability
to be able to forgive them freely because you're
holding them to your own wounds.
And so we can find that expectation somewhere in us.
And you just wait till a person starts getting
a little close enough.
Or you start investing a little more time
where it's not that big a deal.
That's why you hold back so much.
You hold back some things.
Because you don't know.
I don't know.
Whatever your I don't know could be,
there's that I don't know that's happening.
And we can always take time and investigate those things.
So how do we shift from entitlement to empowerment?
First, we want to recognize the pattern.
Notice the he shoulds or I deserve thoughts
is a red flag.
So type in the comments what you guys
believe a man should do for you.
And when you type what he should do for you,
also put in there why he should do that for you.
What he should do and why.
Go for it.
He said, I look five years older.
Let me shift the camera this way so I can read from the.
Have self-control except to protect me.
He should have self-control except to protect you.
And what does he need to protect you from?
Open doors.
I want to feel like a prince.
He should open doors for you.
Why do you want to feel like a princess, Nadine?
And why is it important that he makes you feel like a princess?
So why is it important he makes you feel like a princess?
Have self-control except to protect me.
Makayla, what is he protecting you from
and why does he have to protect you?
Text me good morning, good night, just to check in.
Leave with biblical grace is what the Bible says.
Text you good morning, good night.
The Bible says that.
Oh, I already.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
See, I knew I did that wrong because I'm also
writing notes multiple times just to check in.
And you want to know what?
I realized myself that's stupid.
That's ridiculous.
I literally was praying about that today at 2 PM
and I was like, OK, but I don't do that.
So why am I expecting someone else to do that for me?
I was in my devo.
And God was just like, ha, got you.
That's so good.
I don't expect anything from anyone.
Then why don't you expect anything from anyone?
Is it because you may get let down
if you have a level of expectation?
Yeah.
So then that's the opposite.
You don't expect anything.
And that also robs you of a really great experience.
And so we don't have to put.
There are certain things as expectation.
There are things as unreasonable expectations
or selfish expectations or entitled expectations.
Plan dates in a timely manner.
Why should they plan dates in a timely manner?
I have a friend that every time I say what you should do,
she says, should is a shaming word, Ebony.
And I'm sorry that I'm turning different ways
because I had to move my camera to the side
so I can look at the thing.
She said, should.
Ebony, should is a shaming word.
I said, well, you should read your Bible.
And I'm saying, is that shaming?
No.
Should pay for meals because he's the man.
OK.
Respect my values.
They are important to me.
All right.
He should do that.
Pursue me and date him because it's a man's job
to lead this woman he does not know.
Also, I have pursued Chase Gazza for an indie ballet.
And I did feel good doing this.
I felt insecure when pursuing.
He should check in throughout the day because I want to know.
I'm sorry, Stephanie, is this serious?
I don't want to be like laughing.
No.
not like not like it shows interest right so like in early in early talking and it you know
it shows interest like you're thinking of me so i'm on your mind not like all day every day i
couldn't handle that that's what i meant and i just said it wrong sorry to cut you off but that's
what i meant and i just couldn't get the words for it okay good he should respect my articulated
boundaries because that tells me if he listens or respects my needs that is a solid heather a man
should reach out to me first on dating apps because it shows he's truly interested usually
when i reach out first the person turns out not to be intentional okay i'm thinking i'm not sure
gotcha um i want someone who has masculine energy i want to make me i want them to make me feel
womanly i plan dates make me feel um playing dates make me feel important pursue me and date
and show my worth which i know is not reasonable but i don't know and i don't know she literally
put laugh out loud so i'm laughing out loud too i'm being the most also i know this is my root
cause of feeling the most know how to connect with me and talk to me and automatically know
what it is that i want because i didn't realize i needed to communicate that that is so good
y'all this is so good and raw i like it i guess i want a guy to not be pushing
with me or push himself on me to respect my boundaries
that he sees me that i'm worth his time at the moment because if i'm a child of god
the way i will honor him okay he should respect boundaries to communicate his own because that
help you grow a relationship when we get closer yeah um wow have not seriously dated since the
90s i don't even know if i have any expectations i know right see if he immediately starts checking
on me too much my avoidant tendencies panic and feel smothered waking up to a text from someone
i just met every morning makes me itch it's important for me that he respects my commitment
to wait until marriage and that he's kind and doesn't laugh and mock me other than that i
have no real shoes i will wait to see how he behaves people will show you who they are then
i can respond to that good compliments words of affirmation because it's my love language
be honest up front someone who leads in god i've done so much work and through god god is the og
i want someone who loves me as much as i do now those are all really good so i want you to think
about those things that you've listed and then think about how many of those things are your
responsibility and so i'm talking about stuff like make me feel like a woman make me feel
feminine make me feel like when does somebody else's responsibility come to make you feel like
something how does that become someone else's responsibility just like let that sinking in
because when we go from entitlement to empowerment we show up as a woman that we are
not like a woman as the woman we are
we show up as a princess it's a daddy's job to make a girl feel like a princess
it's not a man's job it's not your husband's job
when a man shows up to the table with a woman he knows it
and she's not intimidated by his shenanigans because she is a woman
he can't treat her any type of way he can only show who he is but that does not mean
that he is treating me that way because i reject it because i'm woman
so when we move from with this requirement uh to and you can see it through the comments if you
just look at the string of them or i believe if even if we say um i think i can't remember exactly
who said but a couple of people said he should reach out to me first he should pursue me because
now let's hear the because because when i've done it in the past it came back on me okay so that's
the rule but that doesn't make him should have to pursue you because pursuit is a word that's
to be defined and it can be used a lot of different ways because a man
reaches out to you on social media it's not him pursuing you
or because he he reaches out to you first it's not him pursuing you it's him showing interest
just like if you said something to them first is you showing interest
that's all it is but once you come into level one of getting to know each other it's called
reciprocation and so if we have reached out to someone in the past and they did not reciprocate
back in return that spoke to us at the moment we saw that there was not reciprocation
then we said oh they're not interested and so whatever happened in your past where you
did not reciprocate back in return that spoke to us at the moment we saw that there was not reciprocation
to continue to pursue someone, it actually
has to do with something of worth, your worth.
Something happened on the inside of you
that allowed you to keep pursuing someone,
if that's the word we're going to use,
that did not reciprocate the same thing back to you.
But it does not put a requirement on the next man
that he should pursue you.
Pursuit is not even the correct word
when we're talking about reaching out.
Showing interest in pursuit are two different things.
If you qualify a man showing interest in you as pursuit,
that's not well.
Yes, initiation is better, but he still
doesn't owe you initiation.
OK, now I'm going to be real with you.
Now, you can have your mind set on a thing,
but I'm talking about looking at the core of what
you're operating out of.
It's important that you see the core
of your operational system, because I guarantee you
probably, most times, if this is your core operation,
it shows up in other areas, too, about what someone should do.
Jackie posted on her social media
that initiating dating is a two-person's responsibility.
Getting to know each other is a two-person's responsibility.
And it is a two-person responsibility.
But most of the times, we, and I want
to just hang out there for a moment,
because it's not just the two or three people that say it.
Like, we say it all the time.
I was also my belief system.
How about we just say that?
But thank God for last year's single, all right?
When I joined the program, I was married
in 12 months or less.
Thank God for the program that helped me see.
So if, let me look at the clock.
OK, so if I forgot what I was about to say,
I don't know something about pursuit.
Yeah, so let's just look at the core of our operational system.
And yeah, and that's how you kind of weave through that
thing.
And this is not to cause you to have to change your mind about
it.
You can still operate however you choose to operate.
But I don't want you to operate without full knowledge
of what you're operating out of.
That's what it is.
That's what empowers you when you really look at the core.
OK, and so if you're interested in someone
and you want to say, oh, most of the time,
if you don't want to initiate something with the person,
oftentimes it's fear of rejection.
No one builds a should wall without something
to hold it up.
They should because they're a man.
And what does that mean?
What does it mean?
Are they a person?
You know, these people that we are
getting to know in the dating for discovery
are not auditioning to be our spouse.
And you're going to have a lot of shoes
that you think your spouse should do because you believe
you're from watching your parents be married.
You believe from watching TV.
You believe from culture.
You believe because you made it up in your mind.
And it doesn't work like that.
I remember one time I said, I said lobster.
But I said this one thing that stood out to me.
And I said to my ex-husband, I said,
well, you should take out the trash
because that's what a man do.
Because he was like, why is the trash running?
I'm like, well, you didn't take it out.
It's like, well, I said, well, you should.
He said, who told you that?
And it was just like those words convicted me.
I mean, I don't know, it just like froze me.
Ebony, who told you that?
When did I agree to be the garbage taker out?
Why would you sit here and let the trash run over?
But there are so many things I had in my mind
about what he should do.
I'm telling y'all, I had a little longing
from here to New York.
I had been planning for this husband for years.
And when he comes, he's going to be dancing.
We're going to go to the fireworks show together.
When I found out he wasn't going to go
to that fireworks show with me.
And every year I had been believing when my husband come,
we're going to go to the 4th of July fireworks show.
And he didn't want to do the family things
that I wanted to do.
I was crushed, but I had all of these expectations.
And I had created in my mind the man that I wanted.
It didn't even matter what he showed me.
What is this?
A man should not be okay
with seeing his wife take out the trash.
That's an interesting thought.
A woman shouldn't be okay sitting in her house
and her trash is running over.
And she walks by it, waiting for her husband to get home.
Because that is her home
and her responsibility to keep it clean also.
And if that man will...
Yes, you'd be taking that trash out.
Yeah, we take out our own trash now.
I'm just saying, and so this man comes in from work,
and he's like, why is the trash running over?
Because it's like, you know,
this is how we're keeping the home,
like what is this about?
You been here all day?
And so me, you should take it out,
or you should have did it.
But anyway, so let's investigate all of our shoulds
and where they come from.
And let's change them.
So, all right, let's think about shifting
from entitlement to empowerment.
We want to recognize the patterns.
Instead of saying he should, or I deserve,
because we had no choice.
Well, instead of saying, notice he should or I deserve,
those are red flags.
Whenever you hear I should or I deserve.
Whatever you deserve, you give it to yourself.
And when people come into your life,
they will honor you for who you are.
They don't have a choice, it's who you are.
The same way they run over you
when you don't have boundaries,
they honored you for who you are.
That's how it works.
Anybody that comes into your life,
they come into the place where you are.
Okay?
Separate investments from outcomes.
So your time, your energy, and feelings are gifts,
not invoices.
Your time, your energy, and your feelings
are gifts to the people you meet.
It's not an invoice.
I did ABCD.
Y'all ever been around somebody who does that?
I did ABCD, so you should.
Oh, you don't remember when I did this for you?
And you think to yourself,
I thought you did that because you wanted to.
And so,
so let's think about this.
Dating is an opportunity for growth,
not something you're owed.
Not something you're owed.
And I also want you guys to think about this.
What if they, a man, came into your life,
or somebody, any type of relation,
and they demanded the things of you
that you demanded of them?
So let's do a little role play.
Denise, can you take your microphone out?
Let's see if it done.
Oh no, I'm in trouble.
Okay.
Let's try this.
We're getting to know each other.
I reach out, and then I say to you,
no, I'm the man, and I say to you,
well, Denise, well, since it's our first time
getting to know each other,
I think you should pay for my dinner.
I don't think so.
We agree to disagree.
That's what I would answer to that.
No, I'm putting these demands on her,
and I think that you should actually text me in the morning.
You didn't text me this morning.
Why didn't you text me?
Yeah, no, I don't play those games.
And I texted you yesterday,
but you didn't even respond back to me
until like four hours later.
What's that about?
You know, it's funny you say that,
because I actually handled a guy like that.
He was like, I feel like I'm the one always reaching out.
And I said, if you scroll back through our conversation,
you'll see that I'm reciprocating.
I said, if that's not enough for you, bye.
Like, I've got more than that.
That is so good.
And a lot of times it will be very helpful
if men said that to us, but they don't.
But we'll get out, you know,
we'll pick people apart with these expectations.
But guess what?
When you're getting to know someone,
you can express yourself.
I think Heather said it,
when she expressed her boundaries
to see if someone honors that.
That's not entitlement.
That's I am expressing something to you.
And so if you want a man to text you in the morning
and in the evening and at night,
when you start getting to know him,
how about you have this conversation and say,
you know what?
I have an expectation that you're gonna text me
in the morning, in the evening,
in the middle of the day and evening,
because that shows me that you like me.
Can you be sure you do that for me?
Because if you don't request it,
then how are you going to expect it?
What universal law was made
that a man who's interested in you
must text you morning, evening, or night,
or morning, night, or he can't skip a day.
If he skips a day, he's no longer interested.
And if he was really interested,
he would call me every day.
I know because that's what I do when I like somebody.
What?
I want y'all to hear it right so I'm giving it back to you like I want you to hear like
That that's not true
Maybe they have a purpose for life
Maybe maybe they're working on a building project
Maybe maybe they have a full-time schedule
Maybe when they one time a guy told me he's like, you know what?
I don't really think you're interested in getting to know me Ebony because I have to fit you
You can't fit me on a little schedule
Sending me times asking me when I could fit in if you like somebody you make time for them
And so, you know, I just don't think this is gonna work out and I said, I understand I respect your decision
Thank you for your honesty. I said, but as we leave this call
I said, I want you to know that me sending you my schedule is me making time for you
Because I'm sending you my schedule so that I can also make that time available
So that I can talk to you. I said because I want to get to know you
I said my life is as it is and it was this way when you met me
But I am showing up to the table and I am
Working this phone call in so that we can get to know each other
I said, but I understand you have a different expectation and I'm okay with it
and I said so
Have a great day
Because I gotta get the phone call going prayer right now
I've made a few minutes every time right there and he was like, well
Like I'm giving you the best I got I'm telling you I can talk to you when I leave work on my way to this
Next place that's 40 minutes. I got 40 minutes. I'm giving you my time when I get at work
Like that's a really big deal because I need to decompress in the car
But I'm just saying and I I best took phone calls on the weekend
It's true. And so when I'm saying hey, let's get you something for the weekend
It does not show that I'm not showing up, right?
And so I just want I just want us to look at all those dynamics these expectations that we have of people and you have to
consider, um
That's called entitlement. They should put it like that. You're not entitled to somebody's time
But I'm gonna tell you something as you get to know a person
You'll know how they feel about you as the way their calendar opens up more and more and more
Because when a person really does like you want to me it really does like you is it's almost better to see it that way
That when you first start call me anytime anytime anytime anytime and then he dies off like oh
I'm a little busy. Oh my little is versus watching somebody open up their life to make space for you
Right, that's why it's better to hear no because it sounds so good when you hear yes
That's the gift of knowing. Yes
Okay, um
Focus on what you can control your boundaries your choices your responses practice curious detachment
I wonder what's happening for him versus why isn't he doing what I want?
So then kind of like I don't know what I wonder why he didn't answer the phone
I don't guess he was this I'm guessing so like oh, I wonder what's happening with him. I hope everything is
Okay, that takes a lot of practice, but you can get there. Um
Honor needs without demanding change
Now that's a heavy one
Meaning I don't walk up to someone in demand. They change to suit me
And we do that and a lot of times we do it just out of protection for our hearts for ourself
We feel like we need that and we do all of these things entitlement is rooted in
It comes from a broken heart and it comes from wanting and desiring someone else to fulfill something in you that you haven't fulfilled in yourself
You guys
Would you say the last point again entitlement? I don't know was it comes from brokenness or
Pain or wanting to someone to fulfilling you what you haven't fulfilled in yourself
Is it that part of it?
Okay, good
Ladies when we transition from entitlement to empowerment, we also trans transition
We find ourself operating in more grace and more forgiveness in a greater awareness and this empowers you
And so this time when you say I don't need these certain things from a man you can clearly see
What is his responsibility?
what belongs to you because let's say I like what Nadine said she desires that a
man opens the door for her I don't even think she put should in front of him but
there's a desire of hers so she desires a man open the door when she is dating a
guy and he doesn't open the door first time let's say they went out on the
second date or when she talked to him on the phone say you know what something I really
like and I don't know if you do this but I really like when the guy that I'm
getting to know opens the door for me is that something you'll be open to now
she's just presented a desire to him and he can say yes I can do that or he can
say I can try but if he never really did it a lot it's gonna take my wire to get
the swing of things so she could if he says oh I want to do that she gets in the
car he jumps out keeps walking she could sit there in the car not angry and she
can say I was just waiting on you I know you probably I know you probably
not used to it but you did say you wanted to do it and I really like it
that's a totally different scenario from I don't you know what I don't even he
didn't even open the door for me what kind of man don't open the door for a
woman my dad always opened the door for my mom something like that right so
there are a lot of ways we could take that but there is a there's a way that
we can present things to individuals no matter who they are whether somebody
were dating whether someone you had both reactions whether somebody who you work
with with somebody in your family these expectations or entitlements that we
have they're kind of across the board with friends wherever it's just it's
just there so this is what I want you got ladies to do you guys all right I
want you ladies to whether you're currently dated or not to share if you
are currently dating then you can apply the questions to a dating situation but
if it's not dating you don't have to apply to a dating situation apply to a
friend to a parent um I mean my mom had had a lot of this matter of fact usually
your family of origin shapes you in a lot of these things also my family of
origin dealt with a lot of codependency my mama was if I did this you should do
this now if I made the bed the least you can pick up the shoes if I did this the
least you can do that is the language of my entire family the least you could do
you should do this and so like all of this stuff ties into us I don't want you
to think you just wake up this way you don't wake up this way so what we're
gonna do is uh I'm gonna put you in and I can't type it in the chat so someone
who could type it in the chat for me because I'm using my phone I think I
could put us in oh oh I was trying to see if I could put us in a breakout
groups but I don't think I can so it doesn't matter because I can't do it
from my phone which I thought I should be able to do it um but this sucks okay
let's think about this get something you can write down or you can post it in
the chat now that we've talked about entitlement I'm sure that something has
touched you or hit you or made you wonder whether you want to accept it or
not where do you notice entitlement showing up in your daily life in your
personal life with your friends with your family let's think about that what
do you when where have you noticed entitlement showing up in their life and
what past hurts do you think have been creating these present expectations
seeking you tie them back to hurts
can you repeat that last part of the question I'm trying to put them in the
thank you how my past hurts be creating these present expectations I might pass
hurts be creating those present expectations
you
And you ladies can just, um, if you have something just want to share, post it in the chat.
I'm also going to make a while you're thinking I'm going to make a Facebook Facebook.
I want to make a post in the app with the activation for you guys to kind of mull over
and work with.
And you can post this information there too.
If you don't get a chance, if you don't have something readily coming up, I think they
were friends I felt rejected, left out, forgot to reciprocate the love, I think they should
when I do something nice with them, we're starting to.
Yeah.
Um, Michaela, that's really good because let me turn the camera this way.
I am a person who, uh, my way of love is through service.
Um, I, I'm going to be the one that's cooking.
I'm going to be the one that's, Oh, you said your head is hurting and I'm going to grab
you some Tylenol.
And when someone rejects my help, it hurts me deeply because to me, that means they're
not wanting to communicate with me.
It speaks to me that they don't want me.
They don't want me around just because they rejected me getting them Tylenol.
Now that's a real simple one, but I was just trying to make it simple, simple to help you
see.
Like I think the other day I said to my sister was like, Oh, I'm so tired.
Um, she said, I'm so tired.
She had worked overnight.
I said, well, you want to ask your husband to drive you home?
She said, I don't need a solution.
That was hard.
It was harsh.
Um, but at that moment, my whole nervous system froze up because what I heard her say was,
I don't want to connect with you.
I don't want your advice.
I don't want what you have for me.
And I had to hold my body still not to cry.
That's how quick, that's how it grabs me.
And then I had to come home and process through why did I respond that way?
Why did my nervous system do that?
And so a lot of times it's how we've learned love.
If you learn love by doing that, you are noticed when you do things, people respect you when
you do things, you're honored when you do things, you will continue doing that.
And when it's rejected and not accepted, it is hard.
Uh, you was pumping gas.
The question was, where do you notice entitlement showing up in your dating life?
And then how my past hurts, um, be creating present expectations.
I've been able to date for a past 40 years, but this thing go so fast.
Let me go here.
Hmm.
And we, and so Amanda, what you want to do that is tie that to, does that make you feel
like you're not important?
Does it make you feel like you're not worthy?
And a lot of stuff ties back to that.
We want people to come in our life and even if it's a friend, make me feel important.
Make me feel worthy.
Make me feel like I matter.
But I am telling you, when you take that responsibility on for yourself, you will not need any
else to do that for you.
Sorry, I got a little weird because, um, you won't need anybody else to do that for you.
And the truth is you don't need anybody to do it for you.
If you need somebody to do it for you, you're going to find yourself always hurt because
nobody can live up to that expectation.
Nobody can live up to making you feel love, making you feel important, making you feel
special.
There is a heart issue, ladies.
You are, you should be important.
If you're not, should, should is a shame word.
You would like to enjoy the fullness of being loved already within you as a part of your
identity.
And a lot of things that we want from men and dating and other people around us because
we're wanting somebody to feel those spaces in us, but they can't do it.
They can do it for a moment, but they can't do it forever.
So I'm going to, we need to take a few questions and it's 8.01 and we're only going to stay
until 8.15 tonight.
And so the questions we don't get to, I don't know who hand went up first, the questions
we don't get to, um, is, um, a couple of people I am going to start off with because I asked
them to come on tonight so that I could unpack something with them.
Um, the questions that we don't get to, and I will be brief.
So with each person, but the questions we don't get to, will you post it in the app
for me?
Even if you have to do a video, do a video, I'll respond to your video.
Videos are easy then to type in all these things and I can see your face and your facial
expressions and I can hear your heart.
And then when I respond, I would have taken your heart into like, it won't be, you know,
Sometimes words can not be the best.
So remember that empowerment in dating
comes from choice, clarity, and surrender,
not control or entitlement.
Empowerment in dating comes from choice, clarity, and surrender,
not control or entitlement.
OK?
More questions that I'm going to post for this week.
What would dating look like if you released
the need for specific outcomes?
Oh, that would be a wonderful thing.
I'm going to tell you that right now.
If you release this need for a specific outcome,
dating would be so fun.
I did it.
How can you honor your worth without demanding others
to prove it to you?
How can you honor your worth without demanding others
to prove your worth to you?
And a lot of times when we are like, you're going to pursue me,
you're going to pursue me first, and you're
going to do this with me first, and you're
going to do this with me, you're really saying,
prove to me that I'm worth something.
Prove to me that I'm worthy.
Right?
All right.
So Juanita, if you would unmute.
Hello.
So how are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
Good.
I'm very happy to be here today.
We're happy to have you here today.
Now, I'm using my phone, so let me see.
I'm using my phone, so I can't go back to give me an overview
and then I can go from there.
Just tell me what was the story about.
What was the story about?
Guy that I've had a crush on for like three years
asked me out on New Year's Eve.
And so, yeah.
So these are my thoughts.
So what happened was you went into this agreement
or unspoken agreement, and you missed some steps.
And it happened because he was familiar to you,
and you recognized that.
But I'm just playing it out in front of you
so you can put things in rightful order.
And so you picked up like, oh, not to mention
you had a crush on him in the past,
not to mention all these things.
Y'all were still friends, but at one point you did like him
and he wasn't very interested.
And so now this opportunity comes back around.
It looks divine and wonderful because you just
got done with hard work.
Everything opened up.
He's come to his senses, and you are the woman for him.
And so you cast aside the things that you had learned
or had not even learned yet because you just
came into phase two, and you did not
allow for a proper experience that
will help you develop in a particular pace that
will best serve you and him best in a relationship.
And so immediately when you held his hand,
immediately when you became physical in these ways with him,
it spoke something to your heart that it should not
have spoken because it wasn't time for that.
But because you're friends with him,
you already know him, there were certain barriers or boundaries
that just weren't there.
Right?
I'm already comfortable.
I already feel this.
And then there's this thing processing
in the back of your head like, this is it.
This is it.
Until you realize, Juanita, that you're a different woman.
And you forgot about that part.
You may know him, but you are a new woman.
You really are.
And your expectations aren't the same
as they were when you liked him a lot.
And then you realize that what you said in your post today,
I didn't even know if I really liked him as much
as I thought I liked him.
But those were old things that were resonating.
And so how you get back on track from this point
is you say to him, if you want to continue down this process,
you just say, hey, I realized I jumped in feet first, head
first, however they see it.
And I want to slow us down.
And I want to do this the proper way.
And though we already know each other,
and we have so much history with each other, which is rich
and I appreciate, I realize that we're not
going to be able to build well this way.
And it is going to be a challenge.
And you're going to find yourself,
and if at any point that either one of you
decide that it's not going to work,
it's going to be really heartbreaking.
Because you're already operating from a system of I know.
Not I know he's the one, but I know him, he knows me.
And that can be costly.
And so what you want to do is you want to have that talk,
and you want to slow things down,
and you want to take your hand back,
and you want to stop physical touch,
and you want to put boundaries in place.
All your time is not his time.
All his time is not your time.
He's a new person.
He gets to, for lack of better words, because of where you are,
this is not for every woman on this call, this is for Juanita.
This is specific coaching for her.
He has to audition again, Juanita.
I know that he's a lot of things that you admire,
but it serves you best to be able to hear
if he is best for you, if you all's destinies do align,
if he is a spiritual DNA for you,
by pacing things and slowing things down
so that you can operate in purity and in order.
Because at the pace that you're going,
I don't think you're going to land somewhere well.
Yeah.
It's going to happen faster than you could count for.
And then it's going to be the, oh, oh, oh.
Yeah.
And so that's what I was thinking for you,
that you regroup, have a talk with him.
The good thing is he is your friend,
so you don't have to have that fear.
And then y'all figure out what that looks like now.
Yeah.
And so let's slow it back down.
If you find yourself maybe, you know,
everything is fresh and new now.
So y'all may talk on the phone a whole lot,
but that's probably going to slow down.
Seems like both of you have busy lives.
I know you said that he's pretty busy this time as well.
And so slow it down.
Even if you have to, if you wanted to hang out with him
that weekend, don't do it.
Say, hey, let me find myself.
And then in doing that, we can find each other
and grow from this place.
What do you think about that?
I agree with the slowing down.
Even though we've known each other,
I think because I had that attraction to him,
I always had a little bit of a boundary.
He wasn't buddy-buddy like my bestie.
And because he was an attractive man
and I really, really liked him,
I always had an appropriate boundary with him.
Maybe not until the last couple of weeks
when I was like, eh, he's my brother, he's my friend.
I just started treating him a little more normal.
The physical stuff though is real
because I mean, like we went out Sunday night
and he reaches for my hand now.
And then my fear too is,
he hasn't been dating in a long time.
I don't wanna be setting a new blueprint
for what he's gonna do with other women.
And that's a conviction in my heart.
I don't know, we haven't talked to that much,
but he did tell me he hadn't dated in 10 years,
or pretty much he hasn't dated.
And so I don't wanna, I feel guilty a little bit
and I don't want to cause him to sin.
And I'm not sure how I can have that conversation
because it feels like, I'm just not sure
because I don't wanna say one thing and do another.
Cause I think I already started that
and then kind of went back.
So I just...
Well, you're not gonna cause him to sin
unless you yourself sin.
Of course.
Okay.
And you don't have a responsibility
to set a blueprint for him.
You only have a responsibility to set a standard for Juanita
because the woman he meets
is gonna have her own way of doing things.
Yeah.
And you are not the coach of dating.
You're not his coach.
Yeah.
You're not his teacher.
You're not his leader.
You are Juanita and you have the right to have an experience
just like he's showing up for an experience.
And so the guilt that you are feeling,
I want you to explore it
because there is a such thing as a false guilt.
You're not his pastor, you're not his teacher,
you're not his leader, you're Juanita.
And if you carry on something that doesn't belong to you,
it's not serving you best.
It's like you're trying to be something for him.
He doesn't need to be anything for him.
If you want him to learn how to date,
will you encourage him to come into the program?
I'm just being real with you.
If you're gonna take on something,
direct him somewhere so he can get help
the way you got help.
But what you can do is create boundaries for yourself
and now he knows how Juanita likes to be treated.
Yes.
That's good.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I agree.
I didn't, we jumped way, I jumped way too fast.
Yeah.
Yeah, back a little bit.
Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah, you're welcome.
That was, it was easy to happen.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Okay.
And I know I see everybody,
but who else did I ask to let me unpack something with you?
I think it was me.
And after hearing her as I,
oh, I know that's gonna be rough.
What was your, just give me, I've already read it.
So just give me a headliner.
Oh God.
Cause I, I feel like you're a tough love kind of teacher
and I just feel like where this is going and that's fine.
That's fine.
So, so I started seeing someone, right?
I'm gonna be honest.
It went way too fast and not physically so much.
I mean a little physically.
Erica, okay.
Okay.
This, I just, we're almost out of time,
but I read through it.
So the headliner is you're the person that said
in your post, we held hands and we kissed,
but we're just friends.
No.
That's not you?
Tell me, what was your,
what was the like goal of your post?
Post what did you what was your question?
Wait, let me go back cuz I wrote a whole bunch. I'd let my
I prayed about it
I
Wrote everything out on the dance floor because like I wanted to reveal and heal it
One minute did lay it out that were you the one that said that you initially were ashamed to bring it to the group?
Well that too. I mean
Okay, right now I'm talking I'm talking to a guy right I'm gonna be honest
It went a little bit fast because we connect so well, right?
and
Like we have all the same similarities. We I know and
He's very
unexperienced in dating
never had a girlfriend and
so
He it struggles with communication and stuff like that. He's very very nice
but
He struggles with communicating and it just did it doesn't match mine so much. Give me an example what communication?
It's a good morning text, which that was not even so much right, um
Like he struggles with communicating. He struggled with initiating. He's very much. I don't know kind of person. I don't know
I don't know. I don't know and I guess I don't know why that bothers me so much
Well, he's oh, he should know that's why it bothers you what he's an adult
What a thinking brain if someone keeps telling you I don't know I don't know it's like well, what do you know?
Go ahead. That's sort of I guess where I was at and he doesn't seem like he's very decisive
Now, what was the other nitty-gritty part of it? Because I laid like I said, I literally laid it all out for you
This is you are the one that says I will admit we've been a little physical not anything physically large
She's kissing and holding hands. Okay. Yes, but we're not friends. Well
Yeah
We're talking. Okay. Yes
So I have been physical with him and I felt like it was way too quick in my head in my mind
I just got crazy
so I
Did I went too quick and that's not something I normally do and I felt convicted about it
So I talked to him about it and I told him
Way too fast and he agreed that's fine. How long y'all been dating
Like
We've maybe we've been talking maybe a month
Okay, um and then dating wise I mean we've been on like four or five dates at this point
So enough
Well, and what point did y'all start cuddling on the couch and all that?
Third third date. Um, okay. So
Let's just speak to no. No, that's not it. So let's just speak into what happened. So this is a part of dating Erica
There's no shame here
You're talking to the woman who used to have a man who my first second date would be less let's date at my house
I had a lot of things that I had to let the Lord help deliver me from and heal me from and so I'm just
Telling you there's no shame here
If anything could have been anything could have been done one of these women's can attest to doing it as well
Right, so that's not that's not this type of party. I just want you to know that
um, so what happened was, you know, some of the boundaries that
wouldn't
Should it's a shame word
Some of the boundaries that were best not to be crossed would be like going to a person's home
Which is on the videos if you had a chance to watch them, which is holding hands or kissing or cuddling
Why are those so important?
because they cloud your judgment and they cause all of this confusing the confusion that you're having and
Now you're not able to type those things and see things so clearly
So I don't think that you're in much as muddy water as you feel it's just all the mixture that's happened
So when we have mixture, we actually just be like a windshield wiper
We turn on the water when it's not raining you push it forward in your car and you start to clean the windshield out
And you remove those things that are clouding your judgment so that you can see well
So you dating him you've been on four dates are our what Jackie teaches us it is
Give a date three opportunities. It's a yes until it's a no and so now it's time for you to
Evaluate
Okay, yeah, we got you yes in it a speed date even okay
I saw prayers Eric and I had to see what was happening. I didn't know
so, um
What you do now is you evaluate him? I want you evaluate him for who he what he's presented to you thus far
It doesn't matter. I mean you can consider that he's inexperienced
But what you do want to know is Erica, are you making clear your desires or your request?
And so when he keeps saying I don't know. I don't know. I don't know your response would have to be hey
I understand that you feel like you don't know and so what I would like to see happen
happiness, you take a little time to think about it, you can tell me how long it would
take you to think about it, and then bring me back a response, because it's really important
to me that we're able to communicate.
Okay.
Now, the reason I'm saying, and I condensed it, is God is so clever sometimes.
Every single one of your parts in this talk is something that had hit the head on the
nail.
I had so many expectations about what was this going to be like when I first started
dating again, because I worked so hard into going into the heart work, and, oh, I'm not
going to go back on the apps, because the apps are crap, or, oh, like, no, no, no, no,
no, it's just me and God, peace, peace, peace, peace, and, like, peace out, like, I just
wanted to, like, be with myself and focus on God.
And it happened so unexpectedly, I had all these expectations, like, no, I'm going to
do it this way this time, and I'm going to do this, and I'm going to make sure this happens,
and I'm going to make sure I find someone like this.
And when you just had that whole expectations versus entitlement versus empowerment, that
just sort of cleared all of that for me, like, it was a lot of, yeah.
So good.
So after you, now that you're clearing the windshield, I don't know if you want to continue
seeing him, but he could be a really great guy, but things are kind of clouded now.
And so you want to start presenting things to him, what you would like to see happen,
not so that you can stay in the relationship, so that you guys can have better communication.
You can see if he can operate on that level, since you are considering the fact that he's
never really dated before, and so he's not used to being in this type of setting with
an individual.
And so there's some grace there that you can lend out to him, but you're going to have
to be vocal about what works best for you without, and using I statements, a lot of
I statements, not what he should do, but this is what I enjoy, or this is what makes
communication easier for me.
And always a follow-up, do you understand what I'm saying, and is this something you're
willing to agree to?
Because men in general are not deep thinkers like women, and they want to give you surface
as quickly as they can, and that just doesn't work, right?
It doesn't work, you want to invest this journey in someone that is of quality, in
a sense of fullness, wholeness, purposeful, right?
And then you want to have the conversation that we're not going to do each other houses
again, let's just go out on dates, if we don't have the money, let's just shoot up a coffee
shop or go to a park, if it's too cold there, go to a coffee shop, go to a tea shop, or
something of such sorts.
And then tell us how it goes after you have this conversation of getting things back in
order.
Okay, because I did have a conversation, like there is stuff I've, you know, communicated
just on communicating, and he's reciprocal and receptive, but I've graced that this is
new for him.
But yes, like I told him sort of that, like the reeling back, like the next time we're
going to see each other, we're going to a Bible thing.
Yeah, going to a Bible.
And then another thing is, I know that dating is new for him, but I need you to understand
character versus dating is new for you.
Okay?
So that's why we're fruit inspectors.
And so he should, they're, not should, you want to determine, and look, now my spirit
has me on this.
You want, character will say, when a person says to you like, this works better for me,
I know that this is what we're doing.
When they stand up and they operate in that, that shows you their character, that shows
you their willingness.
So we can't say, I know this is your first time dating.
When I clearly express the boundary to you, when I clearly express a desire to you, right?
This is not, this is your first time dating.
This is, you're not honoring what I'm saying, that's character.
That's true.
And from what I'm seeing, he has great character.
So we'll see, we'll see where, like I said, yeah, we'll see.
Yeah, we'll see.
And so this is going to be good.
I'm excited for you.
Thank you.
You're a tough teacher.
Am I a tough teacher?
No.
I'm messing with you.
I'm much tougher on my kids.
No, not at all.
Not at all.
I'm just messing with you.
I feel like you can joke.
Yeah.
Okay.
I know tonight was a passionate talk because talking about entitlement is challenging because
when we're entitled, we get offended.
And I've been in the seat, like I had to have this same tension, uh, uh, uh, talk.
And I was very, babe, I had more shoes and cubs and chewed and get out of my seat.
And I was very, babe, I had more shoes and cubs and chewed and get out of my face if
you ain't going to do this.
And I don't really care because it don't really matter to me.
Then it didn't go over well.
I didn't get many dates, but also, um, good.
Who else, is there anybody else?
Before I take one more question, I know, ladies.
Is there anybody else that I asked you to get on so that I
can unpack with you?
Thank you.
See, you're welcome, because that
means I didn't respond to you in the app, which
made the time longer.
Because it was a lot, and we couldn't do it that way.
All right.
OK.
Go for it, whoever has a question.
OK.
Hello.
Hello, hello.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, Didi.
We missed you.
She's in phase three now.
She's a graduate.
Listen, I'm just, well, there's a couple of things.
I've got some good news, which I'll give after.
But I just wanted to comment quickly about something
that's popped up for me.
I just, I don't want to date, Ebony.
I don't want to date at all.
I put my arc on pause just before Christmas.
I don't know if you remember.
Or yeah, even maybe just after Thanksgiving.
And I have no will or desire.
And I'm just like, what is this?
Like, is this OK?
Or is this not OK?
And I just want to throw it out to you,
because I know you can spot whatever.
So that's happening.
I have felt in the last couple of days
I should get on the apps again.
And I mean it should in a healthy way,
not like I should like doing anything.
So that's a good thing.
Because before it was like, no, I'm like, I can just.
But that's more right now, today, last couple of days,
I'm just like, I could just keep going and just
be in the community.
And I'm just like, is that healthy?
Anyway, there's that.
So any thoughts there?
I don't think there's anything wrong with an individual
taking a break from apps.
I think if you want to be on it, be on it.
Sometimes you have to watch this thing.
It can be a little sneaky.
But sometimes you can feel like you don't know.
It's right at the front.
If I'm not working hard, if I'm not showing up,
I could be missing out.
Or I'm not doing my part as a partner in this process.
And that's not true.
There is no requirement of such sorts
that you continue a process where you need to rest.
Because ultimately, God is writing your love story.
And you can stay on the app, send up to Sundown,
and go on 400 dates.
And still not.
And what happens is you get crushed,
and you get discouraged.
And it's like, God, where are you?
Because I'm showing up to the table.
You have not bought this man yet.
I've done my hard work.
I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do.
And he's not coming.
And so it's really important that you listen and have
discernment when you want to rest.
Right?
Thank you.
You have to remember that God is building capacity in us
for all areas of our life.
And when he writes the love story, ladies,
the hardest part is that we're not in control.
It really is.
And his greatest desire and concern is for us.
It's over your heart.
It speaks to our marriage.
And he loves marriage.
But he wants you first.
And so remember, you have a God that's chasing you.
Marriage is a light thing.
So then you say, why don't you do it?
But for some of us, the most commitment
that we do have to the Father is when we want something,
when we're believing for something.
It's just the way it is sometimes with us humans.
Right?
With the order of our flesh, and that's OK.
But the thing about partnering with heaven for marriage
is you go all in.
And so there's the tear, right?
Because you're all in, or you kind of wadda, wadda, wadda,
and you don't know which place to be.
And it feels like if you take a break,
you're like wadda, wadda, like you could
feel like you're not all in.
Those are some of the experiences
I've had on my journey.
And so Dee, I say take a break when you want to take a break.
And let the unctioning lead you back to that place.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks for that.
Because I could be like, nah, I'm not really bothered.
But I know I'm in this community.
So it's kind of like, I'm focusing on other things
right now, and I'm happy with that.
And consider this.
Seven-day challenges is to get us out there
and to get us moving and get us processing,
get us to build capacity.
But at some point, 14 days is going to be like, OK, now,
when is this phase over with?
And you've been doing this for a while.
You've been in phase two for a while
before you even went to phase three.
And phase three doesn't mean this,
but I'm saying this to you, Dee, and you guys.
Some coaching is directly to that person because
of the journey that they've had.
Now, you're going to start weaning things down
to more spiritual DNA because you've processed
through a lot of things.
And this may be where you start being a little more cut
and shiveled about the people that you choose.
Because now, you've grown from this place.
You've made the capacity.
And these are the things you ask the Lord.
If there's more growth, I welcome it.
And it's going to continue to be growth.
But you're not going to continue like a mad woman
for a seven-day challenge on the 14th day.
That's going to get tiring.
You're not trying to make a career out of it.
And so that's why it's important to be sensitive
to what you're experiencing.
Thank you.
Yeah, you appreciate that.
Good news.
Yes.
My second grandbaby came a couple of days ago.
He's gorgeous.
I'm just like,
God is good.
He's just done it again.
You know, it's just like seeing my children's children.
I'm just like, if you knew, if you knew,
if you knew how the devil tried to take us both out
while I was pregnant.
And there she is, you know,
got to walk her down the aisle a couple of years ago
and she's happily married.
She's like broken, all the things, you know,
and she's just popping them out.
And I'm just like, I get to see that in my lifetime.
Yeah.
God is so great.
So I'm just celebrating that with you.
I just want to share it like it's the best, the best.
The only horrible thing is that not in person, you know,
but the, you know, just the blessing.
I'm just blessed beyond measure.
So I just wanted to share that with you.
Yeah, praise God.
Praise him.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh man, nothing like the look of a grandparent
when they grandbaby come.
God is just, whoo,
you know, beneath me.
Anyway, thank you.
I'm so happy.
Thank you for coming by to share that with us.
And keep coming.
We're here.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Post a picture of your grandbaby.
We would like to see your grandbaby.
You got to post it in phase two though.
Oh, I don't post photos of babies.
Oh, I was wondering, that's why I said one, two,
because-
Yeah, and I heard you say that.
I heard you say that.
And yeah, so yeah.
I had, funnily enough, my daughter sent a message to all,
no posting on my bed and I cracked up.
I'm like, why are you sending that to me of all people?
Like, I'm the last person you need to,
but it was, I know it's for his side.
Because anyone's happy, I get it.
But it's different than that.
That's how my sister,
she doesn't like anyone to have a baby.
So that's why I was like, if you want to,
and I've been-
You picked that up, right?
I know.
I've been sneaking over there to phase three
to check on you.
I've been over there and come over
and check on everybody that goes on there.
Thank you.
It's good to see you though.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Good to see you.
All right, ladies.
This is, I'm going to post,
and if your hand is up for me to grab a question,
I want to end probably at 830 time.
We've got one minute.
And so post it for me, Renee.
I really want to hear from you.
So if you will post it on the community wall
or do a recording, I would love a recording.
Heather, it's so good to see you.
I would love to catch up.
I know it's just, I was like,
Heather, it's like your superstar over here, girl.
But one of the,
and I'm just going to read it right quick,
but I'll post it.
One of the activations for this week
is going to be choose one anonymous
or unreturnable act of kindness.
We believe that this helps a lot with entitlement.
So you're going to do one anonymous
or unreturnable act of kindness.
These are the rules.
No credit.
You get no credit for it.
You get no recognition for it.
You get no thank you or no follow-up.
Now somebody could say thank you, right?
But that's just kind of the rules.
Like you're not looking for any of those things
when you do that.
You're not looking for anything.
You're just going to do one unreturnable act of kindness.
Right?
One unreturnable act of kindness.
Now Carla had this really great idea that she did.
Oh, oh Lord, my minute is here.
She, they do it for Christmas
and this doesn't have to be money though, for real.
But they'll go make somebody's Christmas
and put it at their door,
ring the doorbell and run, jump in the car
and they never know who did it.
And so if you work in the school system or your job,
you can put something on somebody's desk
or you know, whatever you want to do.
You can give a, you can actually compliment someone.
You can find something good about them.
You can be a gold digger this week.
Look for the gold in people.
Look for the gold in the men on the apps
that you're matching with.
Now don't pick something come rusty crusted
then look for some gold.
Don't do that.
You don't need to pick somebody you can look at
or go to a call the day with
and then find some gold in him
when you want to find something else.
But look, don't drop this thing.
Don't drop down too low.
That ain't gonna work out.
But you know what I'm saying?
And so no cost or low cost ideas will be leave a genuine.
Well, I don't know if there's a low cost.
Leave a generous tip for a server
or walk and walk away before they notice
or pay for someone's coffee or meal anonymously.
Return a shopping cart for someone else
without saying anything.
Give a kind compliment.
Leave a thank you note for service worker
or delivery person without signing it.
Leave a note for the Amazon package man.
Put for Amazon man on there.
Put them a little bottle of water out there.
Hold the door.
Let someone go first or offer a small courtesy.
Leave flowers or a plant at a neighbor's door with no name.
Pick up trash in a shared space without telling anyone.
Leave a gift card tucked into a book
at a coffee shop or a bookstore.
Quietly do a helpful task no one wants to do,
like clean a shared space, organize something at work,
no cost, or maybe take out the trash.
Oh, donate to a cause quietly and intentionally.
But I'm going to post that in the app,
and I'm going to post the other things
that I want you to think about.
One thing I really, really, really, really, really.
Ladies, this question that we said,
how can you honor your worth without demanding others
to prove it to you, this one hits deep.
How can you honor your worth?
Because it's going to require you to examine yourself
and to examine your worth and value.
Because when we carry honor and worth and value for ourselves,
we do not demand it from others.
You know, if it's a party going on,
people come to join a party.
That's just how it works.
However you are, that's the only way I know you.
So I can give an example of that.
How can you honor your worth and value
without demanding others to prove it to you
is when you put expectations on somebody else that
attach to them proving that you're somebody or something.
So like when you say, I'm just going to use this for example,
Nadine, this is no slack to you.
This may not be as real as it can get,
but it's just the best example I can think of right now.
Treat me like I'm a princess.
Treat me like I'm a queen.
Well, you're a queen, show up as a queen.
You have that honor and value and worth for yourself.
It's in you.
It's already who you are.
They don't have to prove it to you by doing certain things
that you deem they should do.
Should a person be mistreating you?
No, but if a person mistreated you
and you are in your queendom order,
you're not going to even allow that type of behavior.
You're just going to say, hey, that doesn't work for me.
You're not going to be mad at them.
It's just that it doesn't work for you.
It may work for somebody else, but it just
doesn't work for you.
I had this guy cuss me out one time
because I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore.
And I didn't care about him cussing me out.
I laughed at him because I realized he got a problem.
That boy cussed me out like he been doing me all my life.
I couldn't believe he cussed me out so bad on a text message
like that and expect me to read it.
After he said the first one, I went ahead.
He said like three more.
I didn't even read.
I just blocked him.
I said, this fool is crazy.
This man was really crazy.
I'd never experienced anything like that.
But anyway, so I hope that helps.
If it doesn't, I'll try to put up some more examples later.
You guys have been a blast.
Deidre, will you repost that question you asked me
so I can answer it in the app, if you don't mind?
I didn't forget that I told you that.
And so I really would like you to do that, if you will.
All right, ladies, it's been a blast.
And I'll try to take more questions next time.
But I need to get through that teaching
because it is very impactful teaching.
And it affects our life.
So you guys have it.
Love you, too, Denise.
So glad you're coming back over to our side of town.
Ladies, have a great night.
And I will see you next Tuesday.
Thank you.
Thank you, Emmy.
Thank you, Ebony.
Always a blast.
Love you.
Good night, y'all.
Thanks, ladies.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Bye.