WEBVTT

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All right, it's so good to see everybody, especially when the weather is the way that

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it is.

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Like I said, unless you're probably in Florida, I think most of you are probably been stuck

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at home.

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Am I right?

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So like no dates are probably even happening.

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You can't even get on the road.

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So I know it's definitely put a kink in my plans over the last week.

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I've got a women's retreat coming up in Oklahoma over the weekend.

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I'm supposed to leave on Thursday and I'm like, is that going to happen?

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I have no idea.

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So so yes, I hope everyone's staying warm.

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Thank you, y'all.

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Like I legit my husband literally 20 minutes ago looked at me, he's like, you're going

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to have to do something because you literally look like you rolled out of bed.

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And I looked at him.

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I said, because I literally did just roll out of bed.

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So y'all, I hit this with a curling iron super quick.

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I did my eyebrows and my lips and that was it.

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Like you'll be amazed of how you can look on camera and having to do minimal.

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So I know several weeks ago we did a live where we kind of did a, you know, how to come

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presentable if you're doing a video call.

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Our goal is to do that like every six weeks.

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So as we get new ladies coming in, or if you missed a live and you missed that, or

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you know, you came and you're like, yeah, that just didn't hit.

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Like I need another coaching on that.

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We're hopefully going to be able to start incorporating just some weekly teachings that

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we're just going to hit like once every six weeks.

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Okay.

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So just keep that in mind.

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We're kind of shifting things up again a little bit, but you, many of you are probably not

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going to know the difference.

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I mean, I'll be honest.

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I've been doing this for about two years, over two years now as a coach, I've been in

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this program since the very beginning in 2020 as a single myself and the success story.

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So I do have some experience with Jackie, with the program, with what we coach here,

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what we teach, the ups, the downs, the inside outs, the, the guardrails, the stepping over

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the guardrails and what happens when you step over the guardrails and then just how to kind

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of redirect yourself.

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Like just know I've been there, I've done that.

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Like I've got the t-shirt if you will.

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Okay.

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So for those of you that don't know me, I am Carla Johnson.

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I am one of your coaches here at last year.

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You will see me mostly in phase two, but that does not mean that I do not hop in from time

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to time in phase one.

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So if you just recently came from phase one, I know I've spent a little bit of time in

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there over the last couple of months.

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And then I and myself and Ebony are typically in here phase two, most of the time I do pop

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in and with my comments in phase three, especially for my ladies that I'm always trying to like

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the keeping me updated that I've, you know, built rapport with people I've coached one

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on one with and such like that.

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So you'll see me all over, but mostly I'm currently right now in phase two.

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So do I have any new ladies on today that are brand new to phase two?

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Anybody?

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Maybe this is not like you're new, like you're not new to phase two, the call, but maybe

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this is the first time you've come to the one o'clock.

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I know.

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Yes.

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Is it Rosanna?

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Rosanna?

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Yes.

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So I get it.

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The one o'clock hour is not always the best time, which I get it because like most of

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most people are working like it's hard or people will come in and they can't come on

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camera because they're literally just coming in to listen.

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They can't participate and engage.

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So that's why we do have those two calls.

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I personally love this one o'clock time because it's a smaller group.

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And I feel like I get to know you ladies a little bit more intimately.

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That's just, I'm such a relational person, not that any of the other coaches aren't,

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but that's just where me personally is my comfort zone.

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So I enjoy this, this hour or two, really, let's be real, like it typically lasts close

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to two hours.

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My goal is always 90 minutes and no more, but I struggle, I'm working on it.

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So yeah, for those of you don't know me, that's who I am.

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A couple of housekeeping items, I'm not going to take too much time on this.

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Again, just welcoming those of you that are brand new to phase one or in replay, so maybe

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you're not on right now.

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live, but you're going to be watching this and replaying. We want you to feel

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welcomed here. We don't want you to feel lost. I know sometimes, you know, you

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come out of that comfort, you know, that warm, cozy blanket in phase one, doing

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all that comforting heartwork. And then we get so comfortable there. And then

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it's like, we're gonna throw you out in the ice cold. Yeah, she's shaking her

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head. Exactly. So it's like winter right now. Like it would be like, we've had

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several snow days, and then it's like, okay, you've had enough snow days, we're

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gonna throw you out. And we just want you to feel like that's not the case. We're

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never gonna like force you out and to do something that is out of your comfort

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zone. We are going to stretch you, but we are never here to make it

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uncomfortable. We're here to walk alongside you. So if you ever find

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yourself like, I'm like in a panic, or I feel like a deer in headlights. Let us

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know like, you're not alone. Chances are, someone on the call or in this

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community has experiencing it in the moment, or have, I can assure you, myself

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and Ebony and any of the coaches in this program, we've done this program, and

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we've been in that position. All right, I've, I've, I've seen it all. I've done

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it all. I assure you, I've had moments of highs, and I've had moments of some

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really, really lows. Okay. So I've had moments where I've wanted nothing to do

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with this group, but I forced myself in it anyway. And then I've had moments

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where I'm like, it has literally been my lifeline. So just keep that in mind. And

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so you're gonna force yourself to go to the gym. God bless you. Um, yeah, that's

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that girl. That's good for you. Get yourself in the gym. I have not been out

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of my house in days, like we haven't even gotten in the car. Like me and my

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husband had to go pick up some food from like, like, there's that we have a

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pretty large neighborhood and I have been utilizing everybody's like, personal

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businesses, like to pour into people's like business, because I'm not getting

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out and I'm not trying to cook. I mean, I had Girl Scouts delivering Girl Scout

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cookies to me because I'm like, this is great. And this is an excuse for me to

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eat Girl Scout cookies. Normally, I wouldn't do that. But it's, it's a snow

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day. It's totally okay. So I'm sitting here supporting everybody's business in

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the neighborhood. And my husband and I looked at each other like, is it even

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safe to go out on the road? Like, are we allowed to drive in the neighborhood?

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Because we literally have not been out. So I'm more power to your girl. I'm

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cheering you on. I want an update. How'd that go for you? Okay, I'm gonna be

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looking for that update in the chat. So yes, welcome to those of you that are

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brand new, or maybe just maybe you're just coming back. You've been out of

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phase two for a moment. And you're like, Okay, I got to get back into the swing.

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I think so. We welcome you. Just a reminder. This is a place for you to

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receive. This is not a place for you to put your teacher hat on your coach hat

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on your leader hat on. There's so many of us ladies that are boss babes. I know I

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have so many ladies that you all are versatile and you are multi talented. And

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you have so many gifts and talents. And you know, if you were like me, it was

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really hard for me to receive. And it was really easy for me just to kind of

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overextending gift. And so I just want this to be a just gentle reminder, this

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is your place to receive. Go and encourage your sisters. Don't go in and

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coach them. Don't like let let myself and Ebony pick up that that work. Like,

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that's what we're here for. Okay. I'm definitely share your journeys, ask your

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questions, share your experiences, all that good stuff. Don't rush through this

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phase, just like phase one, you know, you've probably heard it several times

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in phase one, don't rush it. The growth truly happens in those foundational

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stages of heartwork. And then now that we're going to start releasing you into

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dating. And as you get comfortable with that, it's okay to take it slow here.

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All right, it's okay not to rush out of it, like to rush into it. Now that

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doesn't mean that there aren't some ladies in here that they just their

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personality is like, let's dive in. Let's go off the deep dive. I mean, I'm

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diving into 20 feet of water. Let's go let's do some flips into the water like

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they're ready to go just because that's their personality doesn't mean that's

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required of you. That's what they're choosing works for them. You get to pace

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this however you want to and however God leads you. You all are on your own

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journeys. Don't compare yourself to anybody else. That is the biggest advice

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that I can give. Because if I did that, and actually I'll say I did do that. I'm

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was to be honest with you ladies.

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I did do that I got frustrated because I was like why is it happening so quickly

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for everybody else why is everybody else getting dates quicker and it doesn't

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seem like anybody's knocking on my door or I go on these dates and no one wants

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a second date with me what's wrong with me I'm showing up I'm doing everything

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that Jackie's asking me to do and these people hardly show up why are they

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getting the dates why are they getting the ring on their finger so quickly it

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was so easy for me to fall into that trap and so I say that for my own

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experience and I say that knowing that there will probably be one or two of you

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that will fall there and it's okay if you find yourself there I really do

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want you to encourage come and share it in our community there is no shame

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there's no guilt that needs to be put on you you're a real person you have

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feelings and it's okay to feel that I'm gonna leave that space for you to feel

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it we like to say here feel the feels so you can heal the feels 100% if you

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can't feel it then you're gonna avoid it and you're not gonna be able to heal it

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it's never gonna get brought to light if you're not gonna allow yourself to feel

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it and if you aren't gonna be honest and own it and be truthful about it then it

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just stays in the dark that doesn't work for anybody I mean I'm saying that

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from my own experience and that doesn't work just in your single life ladies

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that will work in your married life too okay I'm learning that now as a fairly

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newlywed we've been married a little over two years like we're having to grow

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and like we got some feelings that are starting to reveal because that's just

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what happens in relationship and I think I just froze for a hot minute did I

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freeze for a second my computer froze on me but I think I'm back online okay so

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just keep that in mind don't rush I don't think I saw many people doing the

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activations this week it might be because we really didn't talk a lot

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about it I am gonna give you ladies an activation this week I hope you will

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enjoy it and like it I think it's going to encourage you I think it's going to

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connect you ladies more at least that's my my desire and just get us into our

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comfort zone and really stepping into a more confident self okay so the topic

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today is going to be online dating okay and just dating in general I really like

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online dating dating in general okay a lot of it has to do with online dating

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and preparing our minds for what dating is going to look like so that's what

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we're going to talk about today so I'll share some activations here after our

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teaching and then just to remind you ladies continue to post your questions

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in the app I'm getting updated on a few of those with the snow delays and my

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kids being up my rear end it's kept me pretty occupied Karen you get it like

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some of you ladies are laughing with me could probably know you know it's like I

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have older children that it's like you're not toddlers why am I having to

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do so much for you right now like I could have three toddlers and I feel

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like I had more time then I have a 10 a 14 and a 16 year old and I'm like why

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so yeah I'm catching up on those but I do want to again we kind of always

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announce this ladies if you are ever in this situation where you're like these

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group coaching calls and teaching calls and the posting in the app just doesn't

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seem to fulfill that you're like I just need a little bit more we do offer one

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on one sessions it is additional charge okay but it is an option if you feel

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that it is necessary for you but it is not a requirement it doesn't mean oh

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you're not going to get the same healing and breakthrough if you can't

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have a one-on-one with somebody that's just not true okay so when I was in this

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program we really didn't have a whole lot of one-on-one we had a little times

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where Jackie would you know be able to kind of pour into us because it wasn't

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so big but we didn't have as many coaches back then it really was just

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Jackie so just know it's not required to get breakthrough what I will say helps

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with the breakthrough is when you are engaged in community and you are posting

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you're showing up you're commenting you're you know being real with what's

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going on in your life that's when we'll see a lot of growth those coaching

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sessions are 50 minutes five zero okay sometimes that first call might be like

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an extra five or ten minutes

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because we're just trying to like talk about the logistics of what that will

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look like if you've never done a one-on-one call before okay and then

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we'll give you an intake form when you go into like it's on the resource page

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of our app there is a little icon and say hire a coach and when you go in and

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hire a coach you'll when you go in and hire you'll get like there's five

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questions I will encourage you ladies fill that out as detailed as possible

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it's not mandatory but I will tell you you will get so much more out of your 50

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minutes if you just share it all so you're not spending 30 minutes giving us

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the backstory on a 50-minute call I had that one time it was good now luckily

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this person had three that she booked three calls with me so it was good to

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have her dissect what she was experiencing for those 30 minutes but if

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she was only gonna do one call there wasn't a whole lot of coaching I could

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do in the last 20 minutes now she booked the second call and we got a

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little deeper and then she's still gonna eventually book that third call when she

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works through a couple of things and she's gonna meet with me again so just

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that gives you a little bit of an idea Stephanie no worries I know you're here

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you are my girl that always shows up and you are always absorbing stuff so I

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totally get to you so yes I answered that question you do have a few

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questions in app okay I will definitely be touching base on those today and

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tomorrow before I leave for my women's retreat I am literally gonna have no

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electronics like I have to turn in my phone but Ebony is still here when I'm

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on my retreat just FYI and then I still come back and I always still go and

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check in and see how y'all are doing so just I might not comment on your stuff

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but I do read your stuff so let's see I'm just going through the chat real

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quick before we jump in okay good Sam yeah Sam I know you and I have unpacked

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a lot in this community and I think have I kept up to date on all of your posts I

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don't know if I've responded to everyone all quite yet but I know you

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you've shared some success you're good okay good I've seen some of your posts

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and it seems like you're doing well so I'm talking to Sam because she's she's

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frequently showing up and posting in the app and she's showing up on the calls

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and so I again when you ladies are doing that again I'm not trying to specifically

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call out one person just know like the more you ladies show up whether it's on

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here or in the app like we're gonna start making those connections with you

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so just keep that in mind like again and that's super helpful I had to learn that

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when I was in the community too if you if you're someone that is scared to be

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vulnerable we get it 100% and share that with us we're not gonna make you like

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dredge it all out but if you're like hey I struggle with vulnerability I need I

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need to ease into this let us know that and the grace and the space is here for

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you we totally get it okay but like I said we always want to continue to

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stretch you so that you can continue to grow okay okay you have to get off at

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150 but no rush got it okay well we're 20 minutes after I'm gonna go ahead and

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dive in I'm gonna stick to my bullet point I see two hands up so Michaela

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you're one of those and you're the one that has to jump off and I see Audrey's

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got her question if anybody else has questions that they want answered go

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ahead and put your hand up now and then as we're going through the content of

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another question comes up you can raise your hand and I will try to get to all

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of them at the end and then and maybe if I see all the hands it's going to keep

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me in check to kind of get through this material and if I need to slow down to

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say hey Carla can you slow it down because I'm taking notes and it's always

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in read place if you have to go back and watch it okay so we're going to talk

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about online dating today and so before we even kind of get into that all

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together we're going to just kind of talk about our heart posture for a

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moment with that okay my chat is not wanting to scroll and I see things

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coming in so um all right so before we talk this whole strategy of online

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dating we've got to talk heart posture here okay this is important not everyone

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there's always a few of you or a lot of you depends on who's in my group that

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you just don't want to do online dating I get it I was one of those people I was

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I was like no I've been there

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done that it's, you know, bad experiences, you know, before

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heartwork, you know, so I get that. So we're going to talk

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about heart posture first here. So what I want to share with you

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ladies is, as a reminder, online dating is not going to be your

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savior. Okay, keep that in mind. Online dating is not your

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savior. It's not a verdict of your worth. Sometimes it can,

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you can go into online dating, and then you're not getting any

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likes or people aren't responding to you. And it's

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very easy all of a sudden to feel like there must be

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something wrong. No, that's not it. Sometimes it's just the

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algorithm. Sometimes it's the app you chose. Sometimes it's

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the area that you live in. And that's just not the app that

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people are using in the area that you live in. That happens.

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It does. It's not the verdict of your worth, period. And it's

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not a detour from God's love story for you. Okay? If God's

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not got a love story, and it's intertwined in online dating, it

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doesn't mean that you get online dating that you're screwing up

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God's love story for you. Like I get people all the time. You

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know what, Carla, God just told me that I'm not going to meet my

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husband online. Okay, cool. That's fine. He doesn't have to.

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But we're not jumping into online dating. Thinking that's

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where our husband is going to be. We're just using it as a

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tool right now. That's it. Okay, so it's just about being like

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check out check our heart right here. It's really just a tool.

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And that tool will work best. If you have a surrendered heart,

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and you literally hold it loosely in your hands. Okay,

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going back to those beginning chapters of heartwork, having

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that supernatural surrender, you will have to supernaturally

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surrender the idea of online dating as well. Okay, some of

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it is easier for others. And some of it isn't. I get it. Like

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I said, I was not a fan. But I use it as a tool. And it

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actually grew me and benefited me in so many ways. Okay. So if

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you're entering online dating, and you are bitter, you're

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exhausted, you're guarded, and you really aren't healed,

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you're going to know you're guarded because you're going to

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be really resistant to whole online dating, which again,

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we've all been there. I don't think I've ever met a person

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that's not at one point been like, to online dating at some

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point in their life. Even some of the most bubbly ladies that

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you'll meet in here. I assure you there have been a moment in

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their life where they're like, I am done. I was there. I was

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like, that's it. I can not I can't swipe anymore. I can't

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get another message from somebody. I am so over this.

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Okay. Like, I was just not in a good space. Okay. So if you're

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bitter, exhausted, guarded, you're not feeling really

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healed. If you're hoping that someone else is going to fix

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this ache in you and that you're looking at it because you're

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just wanting to be filled, that's when it's okay to put a

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pause. If you are experiencing any of those emotions, it's okay

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to press pause. If you need a week or two and just say, I need

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a break. I need to go have some fun with my girlfriends. I need

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to connect with my family. I need to go spend some time with

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my grandchildren. I need to go invest more in my kids. I need

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to go like spend a little time and energy on my business.

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You're allowed to do that. You're allowed to press pause.

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Okay. I want you ladies be checking in with your heart on a

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weekly basis when you're online dating. Okay. The first

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principle with this, I want you ladies to write down if you're

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taking notes, is go in with the fresh attitude or don't go in

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at all. If you're not going to have a fresh attitude about

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online dating, don't go into it right away. Give yourself some

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time to process it with us. If you need a little extra space

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and you need to walk that through with us coaches, we're

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giving you the grace and space to do that. Okay. A fresh

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attitude does not mean that you're afraid because guess

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what? A fresh attitude could still mean that you're slightly

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nervous about it. It just means like God, I trust you with my

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heart and my timing and my discernment. It is a surrender.

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I'm going to have an attitude of surrender and I'm going to

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be open. Doesn't mean

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And then I'm not gonna be scared of it.

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Doesn't mean that there are not gonna be moments

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where I might get a little anxious.

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That's okay.

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I got a community of sisters

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that probably get where I'm coming from

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and I can share it there.

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I can let my anxiety out there in my community, okay?

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So just real quick before I move on,

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before we even start talking more about strategy,

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I want you all to do a quick heart check

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right now in this moment, okay?

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We're not here to judge you.

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You all are literally your own heart check.

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And I want you, this is about honesty

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and it's about surrender.

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In one word or two, what posture are you bringing

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into the idea of online dating right now?

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One word.

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Two, if you can't really fit in one word.

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Got excited, that's good.

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Exhausted, fun, dread, anticipation.

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Like maybe even like an expectancy.

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Like you don't know what to expect

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but you're anticipating something to happen.

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I love that, Cynthia.

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She's like profile.

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What are you feeling about your profile?

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Like, are you feeling excited about it?

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Are you like, I'm nervous about it

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because I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

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So we're gonna talk about our profiles here in a moment.

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We got some disengagement.

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So I want you ladies to kind of see,

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do you all see how there's some overlap?

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Do you see how some of you are in one space

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and some of you are in another?

364
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It's okay.

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Not everyone is going to be in that same space.

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So those of you that are like, I'm a little discouraged,

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I'm disengaged at the moment,

368
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I'm dreading it.

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Guess what?

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You're not alone.

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There's other women in community

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that are right there with you.

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And us coaches are fully aware of that.

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And we've been there too.

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So when you show up in the app

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and hear with your questions, let us know that.

377
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We're gonna help you unpack that.

378
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We're not gonna rush you to get excited.

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We're gonna help you prepare your heart to get excited.

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We're gonna help you prepare your heart

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to be open to it.

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And if it means just that, Carla, I just need a pause,

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we're gonna give you that space.

384
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Okay?

385
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And then you'll see that there's some ladies here

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that they're excited.

387
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You're gonna see those women are gonna be excited

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to share about their experiences.

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And there's nothing wrong with that either.

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I want you ladies to share the excitement

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that you're experiencing.

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It's going to give encouragement

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in the moment.

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And it's actually gonna give encouragement

395
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to some of those ladies that are still not quite sure

396
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if they're ready for it yet.

397
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So if they see you ladies having fun with it,

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when they get their hearts ready for it,

399
00:28:08.840 --> 00:28:10.060
they're gonna remember, you know what,

400
00:28:10.060 --> 00:28:12.180
there's women in here that have enjoyed it.

401
00:28:12.180 --> 00:28:14.780
So if they can enjoy it, then I can too.

402
00:28:16.500 --> 00:28:17.340
Okay?

403
00:28:18.520 --> 00:28:20.660
So just keep that in mind.

404
00:28:20.660 --> 00:28:21.660
All right?

405
00:28:21.660 --> 00:28:23.460
You don't need to change your perspective

406
00:28:23.500 --> 00:28:25.660
of how you feel about it at all.

407
00:28:26.780 --> 00:28:28.220
I'm not saying, if you felt dread,

408
00:28:28.220 --> 00:28:29.500
I'm not saying, okay, by the end of this call,

409
00:28:29.500 --> 00:28:31.380
I want you to not feel dread.

410
00:28:31.380 --> 00:28:32.580
If you're excited about this,

411
00:28:32.580 --> 00:28:34.340
I'm not gonna be like, okay, by the end of this call,

412
00:28:34.340 --> 00:28:36.460
I'm hoping that maybe you're not gonna be as excited

413
00:28:36.460 --> 00:28:38.140
and you're gonna be a little bit more worried.

414
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Like, that's not what I'm doing either.

415
00:28:39.740 --> 00:28:41.340
Okay?

416
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So just keep that in mind.

417
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Just know God is ready to meet you exactly where you're at.

418
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Same with us coaches.

419
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We're not here to pretend.

420
00:28:51.260 --> 00:28:52.940
We're just here to be ready.

421
00:28:53.620 --> 00:28:56.260
Be ready for what God has for you.

422
00:28:56.260 --> 00:28:58.180
You do not have to pretend here.

423
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Okay?

424
00:28:59.180 --> 00:29:02.020
So the second principle that we're gonna go into

425
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is go in to actually date.

426
00:29:09.220 --> 00:29:12.780
So ask yourself, why are you really dating?

427
00:29:14.380 --> 00:29:16.860
And this will make more sense as I get there.

428
00:29:17.740 --> 00:29:22.740
You're not going into online dating just to window shop.

429
00:29:23.300 --> 00:29:24.140
You're not going in there

430
00:29:24.140 --> 00:29:27.020
just to get attention from people, to get likes,

431
00:29:27.020 --> 00:29:29.300
to sit there and have a pen pal.

432
00:29:30.220 --> 00:29:32.820
Like, you're there to date, ladies.

433
00:29:33.900 --> 00:29:35.540
We're not there just to sit there

434
00:29:35.540 --> 00:29:40.540
and just have these long heartfelt conversations

435
00:29:40.620 --> 00:29:44.220
at 11 o'clock at night when you're in your pajamas

436
00:29:44.220 --> 00:29:45.660
and you just need to be comforted

437
00:29:45.660 --> 00:29:47.220
and you're eating your Girl Scout cookies

438
00:29:47.220 --> 00:29:51.700
that you had delivered because you're snowed in

439
00:29:51.780 --> 00:29:53.140
and you can't get anywhere.

440
00:29:54.260 --> 00:29:55.100
You know?

441
00:29:56.700 --> 00:30:00.020
Like, you're in it for intention.

442
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:07.500
putting it into practice. You're not going into it to spiritually psycho

443
00:30:07.500 --> 00:30:16.260
analyze complete strangers. Y'all it's easy to do that like especially if

444
00:30:16.260 --> 00:30:19.800
you're like me I'm a very like intuitive person and I can discern things very

445
00:30:19.800 --> 00:30:26.980
easy it's very easy so easy for me to like like talk to men when I was online

446
00:30:26.980 --> 00:30:33.040
dating and I could literally be like he's anxious and he had this happen in

447
00:30:33.040 --> 00:30:36.760
his life and this is how he's gonna show up when he's on a date and you know what

448
00:30:36.760 --> 00:30:40.720
this is probably gonna make him not a very good potential partner oh but this

449
00:30:40.720 --> 00:30:50.560
can make him a bit y'all no stranger it's we don't need to go in there to do

450
00:30:50.560 --> 00:30:59.540
that you're there to like get to know people to date in real life okay so go

451
00:30:59.540 --> 00:31:05.260
in it to actually date because dating is a skill and those skills are developed

452
00:31:05.260 --> 00:31:13.380
through practice not perfection. I'm gonna be real with you ladies I was not

453
00:31:13.380 --> 00:31:22.160
the best dater in the very beginning like I probably did it all wrong that's

454
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:26.520
okay and even after some some work I still probably was doing some things a

455
00:31:26.520 --> 00:31:30.320
little not so what I should have been doing you know I was a deep diver I

456
00:31:30.320 --> 00:31:36.800
wanted like I just wanted to overshare just needed to get to know somebody like

457
00:31:36.800 --> 00:31:41.520
I'm an open book but I'm an open book Jackie I'm okay with everybody knowing

458
00:31:41.660 --> 00:31:45.540
anything about me I have nothing to hide and she's like Carla they don't need to

459
00:31:45.540 --> 00:31:52.140
know your whole life they are strangers okay so just keep that in mind this is

460
00:31:52.140 --> 00:31:57.060
literally a skill this is a place and dating in general this is not just

461
00:31:57.060 --> 00:32:01.220
online dating this is dating in general it is a place for you to learn what you

462
00:32:01.220 --> 00:32:08.580
enjoy it's a place for you to learn how to communicate I will tell you a lot of

463
00:32:08.580 --> 00:32:15.040
times what I notice as a coach the struggles with dating actually comes

464
00:32:15.040 --> 00:32:20.400
because we've never really learned how to communicate relationships sometimes

465
00:32:20.400 --> 00:32:24.800
don't go well because people don't know how to communicate with it one another

466
00:32:24.800 --> 00:32:32.440
like I can't tell you the dating if you practice communicating and dating you

467
00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:36.420
are gonna make your marriage a whole lot easier if you can practice communicating

468
00:32:36.420 --> 00:32:39.800
with someone especially communicating with someone that doesn't that's not a

469
00:32:39.800 --> 00:32:44.760
good communicator or doesn't communicate the way that you do because chances are

470
00:32:44.760 --> 00:32:48.320
ladies you don't marry someone that doesn't communicate the way that you do

471
00:32:48.320 --> 00:32:56.000
because fun fact they're men they communicate way differently than we do I

472
00:32:56.000 --> 00:33:01.260
mean I literally could probably pull my husband out and be like honey come come

473
00:33:01.260 --> 00:33:07.320
verify do we communicate the same and he's gonna be like oh heck no like we

474
00:33:07.320 --> 00:33:14.840
will sit in like circles of conversation and like not like repeat ourselves over

475
00:33:14.840 --> 00:33:19.380
and over again and like reword things I mean like what do you mean you don't get

476
00:33:19.380 --> 00:33:24.560
it I just told you five different ways like you don't get it like because we

477
00:33:24.560 --> 00:33:29.000
literally we just don't have the same communication style as one another so

478
00:33:29.140 --> 00:33:36.140
let the dating process help you practice that if not for nothing you don't have

479
00:33:36.140 --> 00:33:38.780
to like that's what I'm saying like sometimes I like it I don't know how I

480
00:33:38.780 --> 00:33:42.260
feel that I don't know if I'm really attracted to him but that's okay just go

481
00:33:42.260 --> 00:33:44.900
see how you communicate can you communicate with somebody that might

482
00:33:44.900 --> 00:33:51.620
might communicate differently than you do it's just for practice you're not

483
00:33:51.620 --> 00:33:57.340
gonna hurt his feelings all right as long as you're checking your heart and

484
00:33:57.340 --> 00:34:01.960
you're not sitting there like expecting something from someone too soon too

485
00:34:01.960 --> 00:34:07.360
early we're gonna help you pace emotionally right like there's no harm

486
00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:11.480
no foul okay and then again we're gonna put boundaries on the physical stuff too

487
00:34:11.480 --> 00:34:15.800
because then that can get little we talked about boundaries last week more

488
00:34:15.800 --> 00:34:19.840
reiterate that again we really don't want to be crossing any physical

489
00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:27.060
boundaries whatsoever especially in in level two okay as you get to know

490
00:34:27.060 --> 00:34:32.420
someone in level two there could be a hand holding a hug I will say you're not

491
00:34:32.420 --> 00:34:36.020
kissing anybody until exclusive level three and I know some people argue with

492
00:34:36.020 --> 00:34:40.820
me about that that's fine it's no hard rules here but I'm gonna be very I'm

493
00:34:40.820 --> 00:34:45.699
gonna tell you from my own experience it is ideal not to be kissing people until

494
00:34:45.699 --> 00:34:50.360
you are an exclusive relationship and then we definitely not have sex before

495
00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:54.880
marriage ladies and I know that's been a hot topic that always is a hot topic

496
00:34:54.880 --> 00:35:01.920
and we can always dive into that even some more and unpack that

497
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.280
more. I've even brought it to the team like, hey, I would really love us to

498
00:35:04.280 --> 00:35:12.400
really get some good resources on this. So just know that's in the works, okay?

499
00:35:12.400 --> 00:35:19.720
It's there for you to learn how to emotionally pace intimacy. I was not good

500
00:35:19.720 --> 00:35:31.800
at this. I fell in too quick, too soon. Because I was just like, oh, they're

501
00:35:31.800 --> 00:35:36.440
magical. They're wonderful. This is great. The sparks are there. Look,

502
00:35:36.440 --> 00:35:41.800
he's just so perfect on paper. Look how hot he is. He's so gorgeous.

503
00:35:41.800 --> 00:35:48.760
I'm like, done, sold. I just so want a husband. He said the right words.

504
00:35:48.760 --> 00:35:55.520
He's like Jesus with skin on it, ladies. I only met him once. Or maybe not at all.

505
00:35:55.520 --> 00:36:00.960
Maybe it's just on a video chat or just in messaging back and forth.

506
00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:06.800
I'd be like, I'm sold. I'm smitten on this guy. No, we need to pace that

507
00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:12.760
emotional intimacy. I know I laugh about it now. I know I'm

508
00:36:12.760 --> 00:36:19.080
laughing about it because that was me. So no, if you struggle with that, I am not

509
00:36:19.080 --> 00:36:24.680
laughing at you. I'm laughing because I was there. And I am a safe place and I

510
00:36:24.680 --> 00:36:32.040
will help work through it with you, okay? I've been there, all right? And it's also

511
00:36:32.040 --> 00:36:36.920
the online dating and dating in general is just a way to learn how to stay

512
00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:41.560
grounded instead of attaching too quickly. That's really, really healthy.

513
00:36:41.560 --> 00:36:45.280
This is where that heart work, you start seeing how heart work really is working

514
00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:52.480
in you and how healed heart work has actually been incorporated in. You're

515
00:36:52.480 --> 00:36:56.880
gonna realize, well, I really have healed because you're gonna start

516
00:36:56.880 --> 00:36:59.400
practicing it and dating and you're gonna start showing up in ways that you

517
00:36:59.400 --> 00:37:05.280
never thought you could show it before, okay? Next thing, handling

518
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:09.720
realities without losing your peace, okay? So with online dating, there are some

519
00:37:09.720 --> 00:37:14.800
realities that you're just gonna have to be open to, okay? We're not gonna

520
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:22.520
sugarcoat it. You are going to encounter scammers. There are gonna be

521
00:37:22.520 --> 00:37:30.560
people that ghost you. You are gonna encounter some wishy-washy men and men

522
00:37:30.560 --> 00:37:36.760
who just don't know what they want. They're out there. You're not gonna be

523
00:37:36.760 --> 00:37:43.880
able to filter them all out, okay? So the next principle, principle three, you just

524
00:37:43.880 --> 00:37:51.400
have to pass them by and that's gonna be easier said than done and you want to

525
00:37:51.400 --> 00:37:56.960
know why? Because there's heart wounds wrapped up in all of that and when we

526
00:37:56.960 --> 00:38:01.840
recognize it, we're gonna process through those heart wounds. So if you are

527
00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:05.920
recognizing you're getting super offended and super irritated and super

528
00:38:05.960 --> 00:38:09.560
frustrated and mad like you are just feeling it and you're now you're

529
00:38:09.560 --> 00:38:14.760
starting to label men in general. All these men online are like this. All men

530
00:38:14.760 --> 00:38:20.400
want our sex. All men, you know, they're just so inappropriate, you know. Ladies,

531
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:23.480
that's a heart wound. That's a lie that's creeping in that you're

532
00:38:23.480 --> 00:38:31.920
believing. Are you gonna encounter that? Most likely, but when our heart is

533
00:38:31.960 --> 00:38:38.920
starting to really get jaded by that, that's where it's internal and there

534
00:38:38.920 --> 00:38:46.160
needs to be some healing taking place. So I'm just reminding you if you keep that

535
00:38:46.160 --> 00:38:53.280
focus of I'm just gonna pass them by. Now, that doesn't mean you're not gonna need

536
00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:59.400
our help to help you coach how to pass them by. That's what we're here for. I had

537
00:38:59.400 --> 00:39:04.280
several of those. There'd be some guys and I'm like, okay, bye. Like I'm not

538
00:39:04.280 --> 00:39:07.760
interested in that at all and then for some reason there'd be one or two that

539
00:39:07.760 --> 00:39:12.680
come and I just be triggered in all sorts of ways. Like I would be like, okay,

540
00:39:12.680 --> 00:39:15.240
I'm healed through this and I'm healed through that and then all of a sudden it

541
00:39:15.240 --> 00:39:22.160
was like a guy made a comment about, you know, dating younger women and I'd be

542
00:39:22.160 --> 00:39:26.640
like, excuse me? Like I was in my late 30s so when guys would talk about dating

543
00:39:26.640 --> 00:39:31.960
20 year olds, I would take that so offensively. Want to know why? Because my

544
00:39:31.960 --> 00:39:37.160
husband, not my husband, my son's father left me for someone who was 12 years

545
00:39:37.160 --> 00:39:43.880
younger than me. That was a wound and then when I would go on dates with

546
00:39:43.880 --> 00:39:50.200
people, if they were dating someone that was a bit younger than me that I liked,

547
00:39:50.200 --> 00:40:01.680
that was a wound. Okay, so this is the key to remember. It is not your job.

548
00:40:00.720 --> 00:40:02.220
to teach a man how to date.

549
00:40:04.300 --> 00:40:06.080
All right, you're gonna get all this information.

550
00:40:06.080 --> 00:40:06.920
You're gonna be like,

551
00:40:06.920 --> 00:40:08.120
but that's not the way they should be dating.

552
00:40:08.120 --> 00:40:10.880
That's not the way Jackie and my coaches have taught me.

553
00:40:10.880 --> 00:40:12.480
Ladies gotta remember, they don't have coaches.

554
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:13.400
They don't have us.

555
00:40:15.280 --> 00:40:18.000
And even if they did, sometimes they don't always listen.

556
00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:19.640
Okay, I mean, we have men in our community

557
00:40:19.640 --> 00:40:21.240
and just because they've been in our community

558
00:40:21.240 --> 00:40:23.980
doesn't mean that they've all like processed heartwork

559
00:40:23.980 --> 00:40:25.060
the way that we have.

560
00:40:25.060 --> 00:40:26.960
Heck, there's some of you women in here,

561
00:40:26.960 --> 00:40:28.560
like I'm not trying to call you out,

562
00:40:28.560 --> 00:40:29.480
there are some women in here

563
00:40:29.480 --> 00:40:30.600
that have not done their heartwork

564
00:40:30.600 --> 00:40:33.320
the way that they probably need to do their heartwork.

565
00:40:34.520 --> 00:40:35.960
There's women in phase three right now

566
00:40:35.960 --> 00:40:38.920
that they left my phase two and I'm like,

567
00:40:38.920 --> 00:40:40.600
you weren't ready.

568
00:40:40.600 --> 00:40:43.300
You didn't do your heartwork

569
00:40:43.300 --> 00:40:46.440
and you're gonna feel it in phase three.

570
00:40:46.440 --> 00:40:49.760
So if some of us women can't do it, guess what?

571
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:51.600
Not all the men do either.

572
00:40:51.600 --> 00:40:53.960
And just because a man hasn't been in heartwork

573
00:40:53.960 --> 00:40:57.280
doesn't mean that he hasn't done any healing and heartwork.

574
00:40:57.280 --> 00:41:01.000
My husband is like the prime example.

575
00:41:02.960 --> 00:41:05.780
He did not go through the heartwork program,

576
00:41:05.780 --> 00:41:07.420
but he went through counseling

577
00:41:07.420 --> 00:41:11.180
and he literally has worked through a lot of his stuff.

578
00:41:13.240 --> 00:41:14.880
Now we get to work through heartwork together.

579
00:41:14.880 --> 00:41:18.240
We're actually doing the couple's heartwork right now.

580
00:41:18.240 --> 00:41:19.720
So that's a lot of fun.

581
00:41:19.720 --> 00:41:22.000
I have to take my coaching hat off.

582
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:23.840
Like I've literally been told by Jackie,

583
00:41:23.840 --> 00:41:26.800
like Carla, you're not allowed to coach him.

584
00:41:27.680 --> 00:41:28.520
And I'm like, what?

585
00:41:28.520 --> 00:41:29.440
But I know this material.

586
00:41:29.440 --> 00:41:31.800
She's like, uh-uh, you're his wife.

587
00:41:31.800 --> 00:41:36.000
Okay, so keep that in mind, ladies.

588
00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:37.000
You've been through the heartwork.

589
00:41:37.000 --> 00:41:40.560
It's not your responsibility to coach any of these guys.

590
00:41:40.560 --> 00:41:42.880
It's also not gonna be a responsibility

591
00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:45.160
for any exclusive relationship you get into,

592
00:41:45.160 --> 00:41:46.920
any engagement that you get into,

593
00:41:46.920 --> 00:41:49.780
any marriage that you get into to coach these men.

594
00:41:50.680 --> 00:41:52.360
You're not the mamas.

595
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:54.240
You're not the teacher.

596
00:41:54.240 --> 00:41:56.460
They are gonna have to have accountability

597
00:41:56.460 --> 00:41:57.300
in other places.

598
00:41:57.300 --> 00:42:00.340
They're gonna have to have spiritual accountability

599
00:42:00.340 --> 00:42:01.620
in other areas.

600
00:42:01.620 --> 00:42:03.520
They're gonna give grace there.

601
00:42:03.520 --> 00:42:05.100
Some of them are gonna come in with it

602
00:42:05.100 --> 00:42:06.780
and it's gonna look beautiful.

603
00:42:06.780 --> 00:42:09.020
Some of them are gonna have certain things

604
00:42:09.020 --> 00:42:10.780
and then there's something else lacking

605
00:42:10.780 --> 00:42:12.140
and you're just gonna have to give it to God

606
00:42:12.140 --> 00:42:14.660
and let God work that out, okay?

607
00:42:15.660 --> 00:42:19.500
It's not your job to teach them emotional maturity.

608
00:42:20.340 --> 00:42:21.740
You won't come across a lot of men

609
00:42:21.740 --> 00:42:25.620
that just don't have emotional maturity, okay?

610
00:42:25.620 --> 00:42:26.720
That's just a given.

611
00:42:28.220 --> 00:42:30.740
It's not your job to make him do his heartwork.

612
00:42:30.740 --> 00:42:34.300
You cannot force him and tell him,

613
00:42:34.300 --> 00:42:37.520
I'm not gonna date you until you do your heartwork.

614
00:42:37.520 --> 00:42:39.500
That's manipulation.

615
00:42:39.500 --> 00:42:41.500
Go back to your Divine Feminine video

616
00:42:41.500 --> 00:42:43.500
and that toxic feminine.

617
00:42:43.500 --> 00:42:48.500
When women show up in this manipulation and control,

618
00:42:48.580 --> 00:42:49.900
that's toxic.

619
00:42:50.940 --> 00:42:54.020
So it's not your job to tell them to do the heartwork.

620
00:42:54.020 --> 00:42:56.460
It's not your job to share the gospel with them

621
00:42:57.740 --> 00:42:59.240
while you're on a dating app.

622
00:42:59.240 --> 00:43:00.080
And I know a lot of people,

623
00:43:00.080 --> 00:43:01.580
oh, no, but God told me we're supposed

624
00:43:01.580 --> 00:43:03.060
to share the gospel with everybody.

625
00:43:03.060 --> 00:43:04.540
Not on a dating app.

626
00:43:06.820 --> 00:43:09.940
You can evangelize where God shows you to evangelize.

627
00:43:09.940 --> 00:43:11.580
It ain't in a dating app.

628
00:43:11.580 --> 00:43:15.180
It's not on a date, okay?

629
00:43:15.180 --> 00:43:16.720
It's just not.

630
00:43:16.720 --> 00:43:18.460
We're not missionary dating here.

631
00:43:18.460 --> 00:43:21.620
Not going on dates to win people over for Jesus.

632
00:43:22.500 --> 00:43:25.580
God will call you on another path to do that.

633
00:43:25.580 --> 00:43:28.740
Okay, if that's your purpose

634
00:43:28.740 --> 00:43:30.540
and God's given you that gift

635
00:43:30.540 --> 00:43:33.620
to be able to preach the gospel and speak into people

636
00:43:33.620 --> 00:43:36.580
and bring, you're a fisher of men.

637
00:43:36.580 --> 00:43:38.060
God's gonna give you another avenue.

638
00:43:38.060 --> 00:43:39.380
He's not gonna say, oh, here, honey,

639
00:43:39.380 --> 00:43:41.060
go do this on a dating app.

640
00:43:41.060 --> 00:43:41.900
No, he's not.

641
00:43:41.900 --> 00:43:42.740
No, he's not.

642
00:43:42.740 --> 00:43:44.740
I assure you, he's not gonna do that.

643
00:43:44.740 --> 00:43:47.540
And it's not your job to convince them

644
00:43:47.540 --> 00:43:49.460
that you are worth showing up for.

645
00:43:49.580 --> 00:43:51.900
You are not going to have to convince

646
00:43:51.900 --> 00:43:54.340
that any man that you're his wife.

647
00:43:55.900 --> 00:43:57.420
It is not your job.

648
00:44:00.500 --> 00:44:03.500
He gonna see that, God's gonna tell him,

649
00:44:03.500 --> 00:44:05.100
boy, you need to look at that woman

650
00:44:05.100 --> 00:44:08.460
because she can't, you better snag that.

651
00:44:08.460 --> 00:44:10.420
You better put a ring on that at some point.

652
00:44:10.420 --> 00:44:11.780
You better get to know her.

653
00:44:13.340 --> 00:44:15.740
Because he who finds a wife finds favor with the Lord.

654
00:44:15.740 --> 00:44:17.860
That's Proverbs 18, 22.

655
00:44:17.980 --> 00:44:19.540
Proverbs 18, 22.

656
00:44:21.340 --> 00:44:25.900
God will speak to your husbands and let him know.

657
00:44:26.940 --> 00:44:28.060
He better open it.

658
00:44:28.060 --> 00:44:31.260
God knows how to slap some sense into you.

659
00:44:31.260 --> 00:44:33.180
And he will slap some sense into some men.

660
00:44:33.180 --> 00:44:34.020
Don't think he won't.

661
00:44:34.020 --> 00:44:35.060
He slaps some sense into me

662
00:44:35.060 --> 00:44:37.460
and he does that to me all the time.

663
00:44:37.460 --> 00:44:38.780
Because that's just how I sometimes need

664
00:44:38.780 --> 00:44:40.580
to hear God speak to me.

665
00:44:40.580 --> 00:44:43.580
Because I can be pretty stubborn, believe it or not.

666
00:44:43.580 --> 00:44:44.580
Anybody else?

667
00:44:44.580 --> 00:44:45.900
Anybody else like a stubborn one

668
00:44:45.900 --> 00:44:49.220
that sometimes God just has to like, oh, honey.

669
00:44:50.980 --> 00:44:53.300
So keep that in mind, all right?

670
00:44:54.340 --> 00:44:56.660
You don't need to convince any man

671
00:44:57.900 --> 00:44:59.980
if he doesn't see you for being.

672
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:09.360
wife, then it's okay. Your husband will. You don't need to confront, you're not going

673
00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:17.120
to need closure, and you don't need to educate. It's not your job. If a guy acts out of line

674
00:45:17.120 --> 00:45:21.520
and says something completely inappropriate, you don't have to confront him about it. That's

675
00:45:21.520 --> 00:45:27.880
when we call, it's time to bless and block him. Boy, bye. You don't even have to tell

676
00:45:27.880 --> 00:45:39.200
him you're blocking him. He's sending you text messages, you block his number through

677
00:45:39.200 --> 00:45:44.720
your phone service. You can do that. You don't need to see those messages. He's getting super

678
00:45:44.720 --> 00:45:55.680
offensive with you and calling you names and criticizing you. No, no sir. Bye. I don't

679
00:45:55.680 --> 00:46:00.400
know you. I'm not in an exclusive relationship with you. Here's the thing ladies, you're

680
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:03.560
not going to be in exclusive relationships with those type of men because you're pacing

681
00:46:03.560 --> 00:46:10.480
yourself well. Period. You're bringing all of your dating experiences to us so we can

682
00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:23.600
see your blind spots. Discernment will look like quiet disengagement. You might be discerning

683
00:46:23.600 --> 00:46:28.800
something like if a guy is sitting there criticizing you and is telling you you're

684
00:46:28.800 --> 00:46:33.840
wrong about something. Let's just say you are, maybe you've had two in-person dates.

685
00:46:33.840 --> 00:46:38.400
The two of you are on the phone one afternoon and you're having a conversation and you were

686
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:45.680
talking about a service that you saw. Maybe it's tonight and you're talking with them

687
00:46:45.680 --> 00:46:52.720
about the service that your pastor gave over the weekend. There's a disagreement. Maybe

688
00:46:52.880 --> 00:46:58.720
there's like, well, I don't quite see it that way. If he is a respectful man, there's going

689
00:46:58.720 --> 00:47:04.160
to be a way where you can both agree to disagree. Now, if he's sitting there criticizing you

690
00:47:04.720 --> 00:47:10.080
and basically telling you that you're wrong and I'm going to say it's going to come thick

691
00:47:10.080 --> 00:47:14.640
and it's not going to feel good for you and if you need to talk it out with us, you can

692
00:47:14.640 --> 00:47:22.080
share it with us. We'll let you know. Sometimes if they come off that way, sometimes it's just

693
00:47:22.080 --> 00:47:28.320
ask them a question and see how they respond to that question. Sometimes that question is

694
00:47:28.320 --> 00:47:33.040
a boundary to see if it's enough to kind of get them in check to see if they're like,

695
00:47:33.040 --> 00:47:38.560
they check themselves. So, I mean, if it's something like that, like you've gone on two

696
00:47:38.560 --> 00:47:44.000
in-person dates and all of a sudden he starts criticizing you. I mean, here's a big topic.

697
00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:48.880
There are some people like, and again, I don't want to cause any rift here.

698
00:47:49.840 --> 00:47:54.160
This has happened in our community. It personally has happened even when I was

699
00:47:54.720 --> 00:48:04.480
single with one of the girls I was close with. She believed that, I mean, women could be pastors.

700
00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:10.560
She was dating a guy that was like, women are not allowed to be preachers and everybody has their

701
00:48:10.560 --> 00:48:16.240
own opinion on that, okay? So, we're not going to argue that right here in this chat right here,

702
00:48:16.240 --> 00:48:24.800
but there was a level of disagreement for the two of them, okay? He was downright

703
00:48:24.800 --> 00:48:34.400
talking down to her, criticizing her, and that was all she needed to discern to say,

704
00:48:35.840 --> 00:48:39.600
you know what? I really appreciate that we've been getting to know each other. I've enjoyed

705
00:48:39.600 --> 00:48:46.240
those two dates. I think now is probably a good time. I don't think that we're going to

706
00:48:46.960 --> 00:48:49.840
continue this romantically. I really do wish the best of luck.

707
00:48:52.400 --> 00:49:00.080
You can bless someone on their way and use some disengagement there. Does that make sense?

708
00:49:01.760 --> 00:49:08.000
So, that's one way. Okay, we've got a few more and we're almost done here, I promise, okay?

709
00:49:08.560 --> 00:49:13.120
Your profile. Keep in mind, this is not a resume. It's an invitation.

710
00:49:15.360 --> 00:49:20.000
So, your profile needs to reflect clarity, joy, and approachability.

711
00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:31.200
Your photos. Here's some guidelines. At least one close-up photo. Do a full-length photo.

712
00:49:32.160 --> 00:49:39.280
I'm going to say don't include photos with sunglasses. Unless you have a lot of others,

713
00:49:39.280 --> 00:49:44.720
maybe one, but I want to see your eyeballs. Men want to see your eyes. That's a feature that a

714
00:49:44.720 --> 00:49:50.800
lot of men really love. Eyes and smile. So, yes, lady, the photos that you post,

715
00:49:50.800 --> 00:49:58.400
make sure you're smiling. All right, you want to look feminine and inviting. No one looks,

716
00:49:58.400 --> 00:49:59.760
we're not

717
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.240
I'm doing the, what is it, the,

718
00:50:02.240 --> 00:50:04.560
when selfies started coming out like this,

719
00:50:04.560 --> 00:50:07.200
I'm gonna date myself because this kind of happened

720
00:50:07.200 --> 00:50:10.160
when I first like had social media.

721
00:50:10.160 --> 00:50:12.360
Everyone had the selfie, the duck face, the.

722
00:50:14.360 --> 00:50:17.680
We don't want that, ladies.

723
00:50:17.680 --> 00:50:18.720
Rosanna, you're laughing at me

724
00:50:18.720 --> 00:50:20.400
because you know what I'm talking about.

725
00:50:20.400 --> 00:50:21.600
You do.

726
00:50:21.600 --> 00:50:24.000
And y'all, like the teenage girls still do that.

727
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:25.880
I still see girls, like I'm out,

728
00:50:25.880 --> 00:50:27.760
like even with my teenage daughter,

729
00:50:27.760 --> 00:50:30.040
and like my daughter doesn't have a phone.

730
00:50:30.040 --> 00:50:33.720
We just got my 16-year-old son a phone,

731
00:50:33.720 --> 00:50:35.120
and it's just like text and talk.

732
00:50:35.120 --> 00:50:37.320
There's no like internet, social media.

733
00:50:37.320 --> 00:50:38.640
But we'll see kids just sitting there,

734
00:50:38.640 --> 00:50:40.640
and you see these girls like,

735
00:50:40.640 --> 00:50:43.360
and I'm like, are kids still doing that?

736
00:50:43.360 --> 00:50:45.320
Like what?

737
00:50:45.320 --> 00:50:47.680
Ladies, you need to go through your profiles.

738
00:50:47.680 --> 00:50:49.720
If you've got any of those, take them off, okay?

739
00:50:49.720 --> 00:50:52.800
We want smiling photos, okay?

740
00:50:52.800 --> 00:50:54.360
You wanna be warm and inviting.

741
00:50:54.360 --> 00:50:56.640
And don't do a bunch of group shots.

742
00:50:56.640 --> 00:50:59.320
I'm just gonna say, if you can crop people out,

743
00:50:59.320 --> 00:51:02.600
and I say that because oftentimes,

744
00:51:02.600 --> 00:51:04.520
if you've got a lot of group shots,

745
00:51:04.520 --> 00:51:06.440
there are some men that they're just quickly,

746
00:51:06.440 --> 00:51:08.320
they don't know who you are.

747
00:51:09.520 --> 00:51:11.920
They might see, if you've got a couple group shots,

748
00:51:11.920 --> 00:51:13.760
and that same friend is in the same,

749
00:51:13.760 --> 00:51:17.760
they might think your friend is the person

750
00:51:17.760 --> 00:51:19.160
that's the profile.

751
00:51:20.160 --> 00:51:24.160
Like, just don't, don't.

752
00:51:24.160 --> 00:51:26.320
Like, even if your mom's there,

753
00:51:26.320 --> 00:51:29.720
because I can't tell you, oh, is that your sister?

754
00:51:29.720 --> 00:51:31.560
Like, what?

755
00:51:31.560 --> 00:51:33.320
Guys will do that.

756
00:51:33.320 --> 00:51:35.120
Or they're like, oh, that's your mom,

757
00:51:35.120 --> 00:51:36.520
and then it is your sister.

758
00:51:36.520 --> 00:51:39.200
Like, that's gonna be real awkward.

759
00:51:39.200 --> 00:51:41.640
Or hey, is that your sister, and it's your grandmother?

760
00:51:41.640 --> 00:51:43.600
Like, y'all, like.

761
00:51:45.040 --> 00:51:47.240
So try to limit yourself.

762
00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:50.760
So try to eliminate those as best as possible.

763
00:51:50.760 --> 00:51:52.040
If you have questions about it,

764
00:51:52.040 --> 00:51:53.360
or there's just this one that you're like,

765
00:51:53.360 --> 00:51:55.960
I really love this, this really, like, captures,

766
00:51:55.960 --> 00:51:57.320
you know, what I'm about.

767
00:51:57.320 --> 00:52:00.760
Like, we can, again, there's no hard rules.

768
00:52:00.760 --> 00:52:03.800
We're just gonna wanna, we're hoping that we see a mixture,

769
00:52:03.800 --> 00:52:08.800
and we see several close-ups, at least a full-length,

770
00:52:09.360 --> 00:52:11.560
nothing that's distracting, okay?

771
00:52:12.080 --> 00:52:15.720
Your joy is gonna be magnetic.

772
00:52:15.720 --> 00:52:19.840
Your confidence is gonna be without performance.

773
00:52:19.840 --> 00:52:21.440
Confidence is attractive.

774
00:52:21.440 --> 00:52:25.480
You don't have to perform your confidence.

775
00:52:25.480 --> 00:52:26.360
When you start performing,

776
00:52:26.360 --> 00:52:30.040
that sometimes doesn't translate as attractive.

777
00:52:30.040 --> 00:52:32.960
Words, so when you're using your words for your profile,

778
00:52:32.960 --> 00:52:35.200
you wanna be positive about who you are.

779
00:52:35.200 --> 00:52:37.280
You wanna share about what you enjoy.

780
00:52:37.280 --> 00:52:38.200
And you also wanna make sure

781
00:52:38.200 --> 00:52:40.640
that you're communicating qualities and characteristics

782
00:52:40.640 --> 00:52:44.640
that you find attractive in a positive way.

783
00:52:44.640 --> 00:52:46.520
I cannot stress this enough.

784
00:52:46.520 --> 00:52:49.320
Don't list the things that you don't want.

785
00:52:49.320 --> 00:52:50.480
I don't want a guy

786
00:52:50.480 --> 00:52:52.880
that's not gonna open the doors for me.

787
00:52:52.880 --> 00:52:53.920
That's negative.

788
00:52:54.840 --> 00:52:59.040
You can say, I value chivalrous men,

789
00:52:59.040 --> 00:53:03.600
men that open doors for all women, okay?

790
00:53:03.600 --> 00:53:06.560
My ladies that are in Texas, you know what I mean.

791
00:53:06.560 --> 00:53:07.720
That's apparent, that's was,

792
00:53:07.720 --> 00:53:09.320
I learned that's a thing in Texas.

793
00:53:09.320 --> 00:53:11.360
I was dating in Florida.

794
00:53:11.360 --> 00:53:13.720
I married a Texas man

795
00:53:13.720 --> 00:53:16.120
and all my friends now in my Texas area,

796
00:53:16.120 --> 00:53:18.600
like men in Texas, like it is a thing.

797
00:53:18.600 --> 00:53:23.160
Like their mamas teach them to open doors,

798
00:53:23.160 --> 00:53:25.280
teach them to pump the gas.

799
00:53:26.440 --> 00:53:27.720
Like that was foreign to me.

800
00:53:27.720 --> 00:53:30.080
Like I would get on my husband and be like,

801
00:53:30.080 --> 00:53:30.960
I would just go open my door

802
00:53:30.960 --> 00:53:33.440
and my husband would like get mad at me.

803
00:53:33.440 --> 00:53:34.320
He's like, shut that door.

804
00:53:34.320 --> 00:53:37.840
And I'm like, you don't keep me in this hot Texas car.

805
00:53:37.840 --> 00:53:40.560
Honey, you need to run over here.

806
00:53:40.560 --> 00:53:42.800
And he's like, I will get to it.

807
00:53:42.800 --> 00:53:44.640
You don't open your door.

808
00:53:44.640 --> 00:53:46.120
Same thing when we go up to a place,

809
00:53:46.120 --> 00:53:48.480
like I will just want to go reach for the door

810
00:53:48.480 --> 00:53:50.960
and he'll snap at me.

811
00:53:50.960 --> 00:53:51.880
Like, don't you dare.

812
00:53:51.880 --> 00:53:54.080
And I'm like, and sometimes I'll just sit there

813
00:53:54.080 --> 00:53:56.440
and I'm like, impatiently waiting.

814
00:53:56.440 --> 00:53:58.680
Like, can you come open this door?

815
00:53:59.520 --> 00:54:04.520
Again, like, but like share the,

816
00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:07.600
like share it in a positive way.

817
00:54:08.360 --> 00:54:09.760
Don't share it negatively.

818
00:54:09.760 --> 00:54:11.160
Okay.

819
00:54:11.160 --> 00:54:14.240
And then fill out everything that you can on a profile.

820
00:54:14.240 --> 00:54:16.080
I know that not all men are going to read it,

821
00:54:16.080 --> 00:54:18.720
but just do your best to fill it out.

822
00:54:18.720 --> 00:54:21.720
You know, you're going to like it when other men fill it out.

823
00:54:21.720 --> 00:54:24.320
So just do your best to fill it out.

824
00:54:24.320 --> 00:54:25.400
You know, all the photos,

825
00:54:25.400 --> 00:54:27.760
any of the prompts that are there, if there's questions.

826
00:54:27.760 --> 00:54:31.280
I know some nowadays, not when I was online dating,

827
00:54:31.280 --> 00:54:34.080
that they even have spots now for videos.

828
00:54:34.080 --> 00:54:35.480
They can post videos.

829
00:54:35.480 --> 00:54:36.320
They didn't have that.

830
00:54:36.760 --> 00:54:38.760
I did a lot of Facebook dating and at the time they didn't,

831
00:54:38.760 --> 00:54:41.120
I think now there might be a spot

832
00:54:41.120 --> 00:54:44.800
if you do Facebook dating where videos is an option.

833
00:54:44.800 --> 00:54:49.800
So principle number four, clarity filters for you.

834
00:54:51.960 --> 00:54:55.440
Clear, being clear and like having that clarity,

835
00:54:55.440 --> 00:54:57.560
it's going to do your filtering,

836
00:54:57.560 --> 00:54:59.400
most of your filtering for you.

837
00:54:59.400 --> 00:55:00.240
It really will.

838
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:07.840
Okay, if men who are intimidated by your clarity, they're not your assignment.

839
00:55:07.840 --> 00:55:14.240
They just aren't. And this also means that doesn't mean that men aren't, you're not

840
00:55:14.240 --> 00:55:17.600
gonna have to deal with some men that don't filter themselves out. You don't,

841
00:55:17.600 --> 00:55:21.200
you're gonna see that there's some men that they're just gonna, they're just

842
00:55:21.200 --> 00:55:25.440
gonna attempt it. You don't have to be offended by it. This is when we apply

843
00:55:25.440 --> 00:55:32.320
that principle of just pass them by. That's it. Okay. Pacing communication

844
00:55:32.320 --> 00:55:39.680
with wisdom. That's next. Somebody was posting this earlier. Like, I encourage

845
00:55:39.680 --> 00:55:46.880
you ladies, do not be in more than one or two online communities. Three max if

846
00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:53.600
you have the capacity for it. You can use free options like Facebook dating

847
00:55:53.600 --> 00:55:59.920
hinge. Those were some good places to start. There's no, I know someone injured

848
00:55:59.920 --> 00:56:05.360
like, hey, where was their recommended sites? Everyone's gonna have something

849
00:56:05.360 --> 00:56:11.440
that works for them. Us coaches are gonna share with you what worked for us. Many

850
00:56:11.440 --> 00:56:16.080
of us share Facebook dating because that was really honestly the most promising. I

851
00:56:16.720 --> 00:56:23.840
know myself. I know Bethany. I know Renee. I think Ebony uses Facebook dating. She

852
00:56:23.840 --> 00:56:28.240
might use another one or two. I, I, she will probably share that on tonight's

853
00:56:28.240 --> 00:56:36.160
call. Um, hinge, bumble. Um, there's several, there's like Christian mingle.

854
00:56:36.160 --> 00:56:39.840
Some people have good luck on Christian mingle. Some don't. There's, you know,

855
00:56:39.840 --> 00:56:45.200
coffee meets bagel. I mean, there's all sorts of apps. You just have to be

856
00:56:45.200 --> 00:56:50.560
willing to try out a couple and just because one works for someone else,

857
00:56:50.560 --> 00:56:53.760
doesn't mean it's going to work for you just because it works for you. Doesn't

858
00:56:53.760 --> 00:56:59.840
mean it's going to work for someone else. Um, so I mean, just keep that in mind.

859
00:56:59.840 --> 00:57:05.520
Um, a lot of times it has to do with, you know, your demographic, where are you

860
00:57:05.520 --> 00:57:10.640
located? What's your age range? What are you looking for? It depends on what's in

861
00:57:10.640 --> 00:57:16.240
your area and what site you're on. Okay. You might be in an area where a lot of

862
00:57:16.240 --> 00:57:21.520
people, your age is using hinge. Now there might be another sister on here.

863
00:57:21.520 --> 00:57:26.080
That's your same age, but she lives in a different location and she gets on hinge

864
00:57:26.080 --> 00:57:32.240
and it's a bunch of older men. And she's like, wait a second. I'm not, not this.

865
00:57:32.240 --> 00:57:35.840
These men are like 15 years older than me. I'm all I'm getting is these older

866
00:57:35.840 --> 00:57:38.720
men. And I don't want to date older men. Well, that's when it's like, if you've

867
00:57:38.720 --> 00:57:44.000
given it like several weeks, like a good solid month and that's the trend that

868
00:57:44.000 --> 00:57:48.480
you're seeing, that's when it's okay to be like, okay, I'm going to shift and try

869
00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:54.720
something else. That's why I encourage, try him out free first before you go and

870
00:57:54.720 --> 00:58:01.520
pay for one. If you're going to pay for one, do like one free and one paid.

871
00:58:01.520 --> 00:58:07.440
I never did paid. I was a single mom. Like I wasn't, I wasn't gonna spend any

872
00:58:07.440 --> 00:58:13.120
more money than I needed to honestly. And like I said, Facebook gave me quality

873
00:58:13.120 --> 00:58:18.240
and gave me options. And so I had success with that. So I kept with that.

874
00:58:18.240 --> 00:58:22.560
Um, what you ladies to keep in mind that your pacing is going to matter text for

875
00:58:22.560 --> 00:58:28.880
about one week, some, some exchanges back and forth. Don't be going past one week

876
00:58:28.880 --> 00:58:35.760
without at least attempting that video chat or an in-person date. That's important.

877
00:58:35.760 --> 00:58:41.360
Like in that first, like after that first week, we really do want you moving to a video,

878
00:58:41.360 --> 00:58:48.400
an in-person date, a phone call if necessary. Um, you're not going to build intimacy

879
00:58:48.400 --> 00:58:56.400
through texting. It's just not going to happen. Okay. Um, top phrases to use confidently.

880
00:58:56.400 --> 00:59:03.440
I'm looking to date in real life. Ladies, there are going to be some men that are, Oh,

881
00:59:03.440 --> 00:59:09.920
I'm really busy. I can't do that. Give grace there. Okay. You might throw it out there like,

882
00:59:09.920 --> 00:59:13.040
Hey, why don't we meet in person? Or why don't we do this? Hey, you know, like I've got this

883
00:59:13.040 --> 00:59:17.920
and this going on. Okay. No problem. You might have a few more texting exchanges. Hey, how's

884
00:59:17.920 --> 00:59:23.920
next weekend looking for you? If they give you another thing. All right. Okay. I would say if

885
00:59:23.920 --> 00:59:29.680
they turned you down twice, maybe give it one more time to drop the hanky of like, Hey, let's try

886
00:59:29.680 --> 00:59:36.880
this. If they deny it a third time, that's when you're saying, Hey, I understand we all have busy

887
00:59:36.880 --> 00:59:41.840
lives. I get that. Um, I'm just looking to date in real life. It sounds like you've got a lot going

888
00:59:41.840 --> 00:59:46.240
on in your life. You've been really pleasant to get to know, but I think I'm just going to go

889
00:59:46.240 --> 00:59:50.640
ahead and move on. I wish you the best of luck. If things ever change and you ever have some free time

890
00:59:51.200 --> 00:59:54.960
where you're going to be able to date, you know, more intentionally in person,

891
00:59:54.960 --> 00:59:59.280
please reach out to me. I'd be, I'd be interested in meeting you in person. If that's something that

892
00:59:59.280 --> 00:59:59.840
you can.

893
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:09.240
can do. Do you see how you're not taking the opportunity completely off, but you're leaving

894
01:00:09.240 --> 01:00:15.680
an option open and you're respecting the fact that maybe they just have a really busy life?

895
01:00:15.680 --> 01:00:22.680
And sometimes all it takes is just that gentle nudge where they have to hear it like, oh,

896
01:00:22.680 --> 01:00:27.560
wow, you're right. I've been really nervous about dating in person and I've been pushing

897
01:00:27.560 --> 01:00:35.760
people off. Maybe I need to just face my fear and go on a date with somebody. Ladies, men

898
01:00:35.760 --> 01:00:40.520
struggle with insecurity and nerves too. Not saying that's every situation. I mean, some

899
01:00:40.520 --> 01:00:45.480
of these guys are just literally, they're wanting the dopamine hit. They're just dating

900
01:00:45.480 --> 01:00:49.320
because they just want to like, they want the likes, they want the attention. And you're

901
01:00:49.320 --> 01:00:54.320
going to see that those are the guys that are really not going to be intentional. That's

902
01:00:54.320 --> 01:01:00.600
why we reciprocate efforts and it's okay to drop a hanky and show interest, but we're

903
01:01:00.600 --> 01:01:05.240
not going to take on the full responsibility. We're going to give them some space to pick

904
01:01:05.240 --> 01:01:11.160
up the hanky, to pick up the hint that, hey, I'm interested. Are you interested too? Then

905
01:01:11.160 --> 01:01:16.160
you better pick that up and you better give that back to me and invite me out on a date.

906
01:01:16.160 --> 01:01:22.200
Or sometimes you have to be like, hey, let's get together. Are you available Friday or

907
01:01:22.200 --> 01:01:29.320
Sunday? Would either of those days work with you? You're not fully taking the lead. You're

908
01:01:29.320 --> 01:01:33.920
dropping a breadcrumb. They're going to have to take a lead and pick it up and then make

909
01:01:33.920 --> 01:01:38.560
the, yes. You know what? Friday night works great. How does this, then he could say, how

910
01:01:38.560 --> 01:01:44.800
does this time sound? Perfect. What would you like to do? Let him lead that. Doesn't

911
01:01:44.800 --> 01:01:46.680
mean that there are not going to be times that you're going to have to jump in with

912
01:01:46.680 --> 01:01:55.040
some suggestions. Not all men are planners. Keep that in mind. Okay. Um, some other, some

913
01:01:55.040 --> 01:01:59.880
other confident things that you can say, Hey, those are great questions for a live conversation.

914
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:05.720
Do you want to go ahead and set that up? So they start asking you some questions and you're

915
01:02:05.720 --> 01:02:09.960
like, that's a really great question. I would love to be able to answer that to you in person.

916
01:02:09.960 --> 01:02:14.280
Why don't we go ahead and set that up? Why don't we get on a video call? Would that work

917
01:02:14.280 --> 01:02:19.480
for you? Or, you know, you can ask them the questions like, Hey, what takes up most of

918
01:02:19.480 --> 01:02:25.000
your time right now? Like what matters to you? What right now in your life matters the

919
01:02:25.000 --> 01:02:30.120
most to you? What's taking up a lot of your time in the current. And then you might even

920
01:02:30.120 --> 01:02:35.680
ask them. So tell me some things that you do to kind of decompress or restore your energy.

921
01:02:35.680 --> 01:02:38.960
Like when you're exhausted and you know, especially those guys are sitting there, I have a busy

922
01:02:38.960 --> 01:02:44.920
life. My job's busy. There are men out there that work hard and be like, wow, that sounds

923
01:02:44.920 --> 01:02:48.840
like a really hot, like you've sound very, very busy. So tell me what kinds of things

924
01:02:48.840 --> 01:02:55.520
do you do to kind of relax and enjoy and decompress and like, go have fun. Like what, what things

925
01:02:55.520 --> 01:03:03.600
do you like to do? What do you do to recharge? Okay. Um, stay in the present day, present

926
01:03:03.600 --> 01:03:08.720
day conversations. You don't want to be tiptoeing about the past. You don't want to start talking

927
01:03:08.720 --> 01:03:13.080
about future stuff, especially my ladies. They're like, Oh, he talked about the future.

928
01:03:13.080 --> 01:03:17.600
You see, is this, you know, that's some of you ladies will get attached to that. I was

929
01:03:17.600 --> 01:03:22.600
like, Oh, he said he wanted to go on this vacation with me. Like, I think we're going

930
01:03:22.600 --> 01:03:28.960
to go like, no, stay in the present session, the beginning, say in the present, um, focus

931
01:03:28.960 --> 01:03:32.560
on what are they building currently in their life? Like what are they built? Like what

932
01:03:32.560 --> 01:03:38.800
are they doing in their life currently? What is their focus in their current life? And

933
01:03:38.800 --> 01:03:43.960
then you can even start asking him, what are you, where do you see yourself going in the

934
01:03:43.960 --> 01:03:49.200
next year or two? What goals do you have for yourself in the next year or two? This doesn't

935
01:03:49.200 --> 01:03:52.680
have to be like, where do you see yourself in 10 years? Y'all I don't even know where

936
01:03:52.680 --> 01:03:57.920
I see myself in 10 years. I hope I have all my kids out of my house. Oh, that doesn't

937
01:03:57.920 --> 01:04:02.800
look like my older brother stayed with my mom and dad. Like he was way older before

938
01:04:02.800 --> 01:04:06.920
I moved to this house. I'm sitting here thinking, what if my kids are like that? Gosh, I hope

939
01:04:06.920 --> 01:04:13.640
not. My husband and I didn't ever get that newlywed, no children's stage. We'd like have

940
01:04:13.640 --> 01:04:23.360
the kids. They were eight, eight, 11 and 13 when we got married or something like that.

941
01:04:24.360 --> 01:04:30.840
They were young, so we never got, and then they're with us full time. Like, so I'm like,

942
01:04:30.840 --> 01:04:35.320
I don't know. Like you asking a single mama, where's she going to be at in 10 years? She

943
01:04:35.320 --> 01:04:39.160
had no clue where she going. Same thing with a single dad. He probably don't know either.

944
01:04:39.160 --> 01:04:46.840
He probably doesn't know where he's going to be at next week. All right. So keep that

945
01:04:46.840 --> 01:04:53.120
in mind. Next thing, emotional and spiritual boundaries. This is going to be a big one

946
01:04:53.120 --> 01:04:56.880
ladies. Principle number five, do not overshare.

947
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.140
Dating is not the place for your trauma stories,

948
01:05:03.140 --> 01:05:06.980
your ex details, trigger explanations,

949
01:05:06.980 --> 01:05:10.820
sexual history, deep theological processing.

950
01:05:12.700 --> 01:05:14.620
This doesn't mean you're hiding anything,

951
01:05:14.620 --> 01:05:17.280
it just means you're honoring the timing.

952
01:05:19.020 --> 01:05:20.420
Because I get someone with,

953
01:05:20.420 --> 01:05:22.620
but my spirituality is so important to me,

954
01:05:22.620 --> 01:05:24.260
my relationship with God is so important,

955
01:05:24.260 --> 01:05:27.020
and I need to know that this man is going to align with me.

956
01:05:27.020 --> 01:05:28.460
I get that.

957
01:05:29.460 --> 01:05:31.700
I'm not saying that you are hiding it

958
01:05:31.700 --> 01:05:33.900
and you're not trying to learn that,

959
01:05:33.900 --> 01:05:36.940
you are just honoring the appropriate time

960
01:05:36.940 --> 01:05:39.460
of when that enters in the conversation.

961
01:05:40.980 --> 01:05:45.980
And oftentimes it will happen organically and naturally.

962
01:05:46.340 --> 01:05:49.540
You're not gonna have to force it, okay?

963
01:05:49.540 --> 01:05:51.140
A healthy response sounds like,

964
01:05:51.140 --> 01:05:53.100
that's a great question for us to explore

965
01:05:53.100 --> 01:05:55.540
once we get some time to know each other better.

966
01:05:56.540 --> 01:06:00.020
Remember, guys might not have this coaching.

967
01:06:00.020 --> 01:06:02.660
They're gonna come at you with the questions about the ex

968
01:06:02.660 --> 01:06:03.660
and why you're divorced,

969
01:06:03.660 --> 01:06:05.780
and what happened with your baby daddy,

970
01:06:05.780 --> 01:06:08.660
and why aren't you in a relationship,

971
01:06:08.660 --> 01:06:11.780
and what happened that destroyed your last relationship,

972
01:06:11.780 --> 01:06:13.140
what caused the breakup?

973
01:06:13.140 --> 01:06:14.580
They're gonna ask those questions

974
01:06:14.580 --> 01:06:16.860
because I just feel like that's kind of

975
01:06:16.860 --> 01:06:18.620
what people do in the dating world.

976
01:06:18.620 --> 01:06:21.260
Like nobody really knows what to ask,

977
01:06:21.260 --> 01:06:24.220
and so they think that those are the questions to ask.

978
01:06:25.180 --> 01:06:26.260
And if they do ask it,

979
01:06:26.260 --> 01:06:28.220
you're gonna give them some grace and just say like,

980
01:06:28.220 --> 01:06:29.660
you know, that's a really great question.

981
01:06:29.660 --> 01:06:31.500
I'd love to answer that more

982
01:06:31.500 --> 01:06:32.500
when we've spent some time

983
01:06:32.500 --> 01:06:34.860
really getting to know each other.

984
01:06:34.860 --> 01:06:35.860
All you have to say.

985
01:06:37.580 --> 01:06:38.900
And you're gonna see if they're gonna respect

986
01:06:38.900 --> 01:06:39.740
that boundary or not.

987
01:06:39.740 --> 01:06:44.420
If they get super offended, you don't need to move on.

988
01:06:44.420 --> 01:06:47.140
That's, when we say it's a yes until it's a no,

989
01:06:47.140 --> 01:06:48.180
that's a no.

990
01:06:49.140 --> 01:06:51.300
They weren't respecting and honoring boundaries.

991
01:06:51.300 --> 01:06:52.500
They got super offended.

992
01:06:53.060 --> 01:06:55.740
That's when it's a no, okay?

993
01:06:57.660 --> 01:07:02.660
Depth is earned through consistency, not access.

994
01:07:05.260 --> 01:07:06.820
You don't give someone the,

995
01:07:06.820 --> 01:07:09.660
you just don't give someone the access to the depth.

996
01:07:09.660 --> 01:07:11.500
Or just because they have access to you

997
01:07:11.500 --> 01:07:12.580
doesn't mean that all of a sudden

998
01:07:12.580 --> 01:07:15.140
you share all the deepest, darkest secrets with them.

999
01:07:16.300 --> 01:07:17.540
This doesn't just go in dating.

1000
01:07:17.540 --> 01:07:18.860
This even goes in like real life.

1001
01:07:18.860 --> 01:07:21.780
Like I have to talk to my kids about this.

1002
01:07:22.300 --> 01:07:24.900
My bonus children,

1003
01:07:24.900 --> 01:07:26.740
they've experienced some trauma in their life,

1004
01:07:26.740 --> 01:07:29.660
especially like my daughter is a very empathic.

1005
01:07:29.660 --> 01:07:31.700
She really connects with people,

1006
01:07:31.700 --> 01:07:33.020
but she's had some trauma.

1007
01:07:33.020 --> 01:07:38.020
So it's really easy for her to want to share with people

1008
01:07:38.540 --> 01:07:43.540
the trauma because she wants to connect.

1009
01:07:43.540 --> 01:07:47.140
So she's willing to tell people

1010
01:07:47.140 --> 01:07:50.380
the deep things that she's had to experience.

1011
01:07:50.380 --> 01:07:51.780
And I'm like, oh honey,

1012
01:07:52.820 --> 01:07:55.700
you've got to trust people with that.

1013
01:07:55.700 --> 01:07:58.340
You don't come out the gate with that.

1014
01:07:58.340 --> 01:08:03.100
You need to know that someone is going to honor acts,

1015
01:08:03.100 --> 01:08:05.620
like is going to honor that.

1016
01:08:05.620 --> 01:08:08.460
You don't want to just give someone access to that

1017
01:08:08.460 --> 01:08:10.660
just because they're in front of you.

1018
01:08:10.660 --> 01:08:14.020
And you hopefully want to build a relationship with them.

1019
01:08:15.260 --> 01:08:17.740
And you think that's what's going to

1020
01:08:17.740 --> 01:08:21.020
build that relationship with you and connect you to them.

1021
01:08:21.020 --> 01:08:23.660
That's going to create those trauma bonds.

1022
01:08:23.660 --> 01:08:24.939
Okay.

1023
01:08:24.939 --> 01:08:28.020
Openness, honesty, and courage.

1024
01:08:28.020 --> 01:08:31.819
You know, that is super important when you're online dating

1025
01:08:31.819 --> 01:08:33.500
and dating in general.

1026
01:08:33.500 --> 01:08:36.060
So for example, if you're going to be open to long,

1027
01:08:36.060 --> 01:08:38.100
like open to long distance,

1028
01:08:38.100 --> 01:08:40.460
I'm going to be really real with a lot of you.

1029
01:08:40.460 --> 01:08:41.819
Because this is a question I get often,

1030
01:08:41.819 --> 01:08:43.380
especially with online dating.

1031
01:08:44.740 --> 01:08:46.380
What about long distance?

1032
01:08:46.380 --> 01:08:48.180
You can be open to long distance

1033
01:08:48.180 --> 01:08:51.540
if and only if you have the capacity for it.

1034
01:08:51.540 --> 01:08:54.660
You're going to know if you have the capacity for it or not.

1035
01:08:54.660 --> 01:08:56.260
Okay.

1036
01:08:56.260 --> 01:09:00.460
There's a grace that goes on long distance dating.

1037
01:09:00.460 --> 01:09:01.460
Okay.

1038
01:09:01.460 --> 01:09:05.140
If you're not sure, talk to us about it.

1039
01:09:05.140 --> 01:09:06.220
You can talk to me about it.

1040
01:09:06.220 --> 01:09:07.300
I did long distance dating.

1041
01:09:07.300 --> 01:09:08.260
My husband was in Texas.

1042
01:09:08.260 --> 01:09:09.939
I was in Florida.

1043
01:09:09.939 --> 01:09:11.100
Okay.

1044
01:09:11.100 --> 01:09:13.899
So if that's something you're not sure about,

1045
01:09:14.260 --> 01:09:15.899
we'll walk that process with you.

1046
01:09:17.220 --> 01:09:19.819
I always encourage you ladies to understand

1047
01:09:19.819 --> 01:09:22.979
the potential financial costs that it can carry.

1048
01:09:25.740 --> 01:09:26.580
Okay.

1049
01:09:27.500 --> 01:09:29.420
Just know it's a possibility.

1050
01:09:30.859 --> 01:09:33.859
If you can't at sometimes stretch

1051
01:09:33.859 --> 01:09:37.580
and be able to financially sometimes contribute,

1052
01:09:39.020 --> 01:09:40.580
then it might not be for you.

1053
01:09:41.500 --> 01:09:43.700
That doesn't mean it's all your responsibility

1054
01:09:44.460 --> 01:09:45.779
if you're a woman and dating long distance,

1055
01:09:45.779 --> 01:09:48.380
it's important that the man also help front

1056
01:09:48.380 --> 01:09:49.819
that financial expense.

1057
01:09:50.779 --> 01:09:53.620
My husband did a lot more of that

1058
01:09:53.620 --> 01:09:56.340
for fronting that financial expense.

1059
01:09:56.340 --> 01:09:59.060
Every now and then I kind of helped out

1060
01:09:59.060 --> 01:10:00.460
in little ways that I could.

1061
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:08.800
could but he was the one that was able to kind of provide more of that you know he just he had a

1062
01:10:08.800 --> 01:10:15.520
higher paying job than I did he had you know that was he had a job where he traveled so it

1063
01:10:15.520 --> 01:10:22.720
was incorporated like his job had him traveling to Florida so it just worked out for us um

1064
01:10:22.720 --> 01:10:30.240
um another thing do not get into long distance dating if you're not willing to relocate

1065
01:10:30.240 --> 01:10:34.880
or if they're not so you might not be willing to locate but if they're saying I'm willing to

1066
01:10:34.880 --> 01:10:38.720
relocate and you know that in the beginning and you know and you're very clear like I can't

1067
01:10:38.720 --> 01:10:45.040
relocate and they're like well that's fine I can then it's a go ahead only if you have

1068
01:10:45.040 --> 01:10:50.000
the capacity for it and only if you understand the potential costs that can come with it

1069
01:10:50.000 --> 01:11:04.240
okay keep that in mind um clarity if you enjoyed the date say so don't make men well I think he

1070
01:11:04.240 --> 01:11:08.640
we had a good time if you don't come out and tell him you had a good time he probably doesn't know

1071
01:11:09.360 --> 01:11:12.800
and even if you told him at the end of the day you're probably going to need a reminder because

1072
01:11:12.800 --> 01:11:18.080
if he was excited about the date he probably doesn't remember what you said because he was

1073
01:11:18.080 --> 01:11:24.880
probably all giddy so you might have to remind him the next day and say hey thanks again that

1074
01:11:24.880 --> 01:11:31.440
was a really fun day I had a really good time I would love to do that again that's it now you put

1075
01:11:31.440 --> 01:11:37.920
it in his court now he gets to invite you out okay so let let them know that you want to see them

1076
01:11:37.920 --> 01:11:46.880
dating is not a chess game um it's discernment with courage okay um surrendered dating

1077
01:11:48.160 --> 01:11:55.040
um oh principle six it's a yes until it's a no you don't need to overthink things

1078
01:11:56.000 --> 01:12:00.560
you don't need complete certainty you just need the next faithful step okay

1079
01:12:01.120 --> 01:12:05.760
surrendered dating online dating done well is not exhausting it's filtered peace

1080
01:12:06.800 --> 01:12:13.840
um you're not chasing love you're partnering with God you're allowed to enjoy the process

1081
01:12:14.720 --> 01:12:19.040
you're allowed to say no without guilt you are allowed to say no

1082
01:12:21.120 --> 01:12:25.440
some of you say no too much that I might be like you're maybe you're not allowed to say no right

1083
01:12:25.440 --> 01:12:32.400
you're not allowed to say no right away okay some of you say yes too many times and I might

1084
01:12:32.400 --> 01:12:39.280
say you need to practice saying no also no many you are allowed to say yes without fear

1085
01:12:40.480 --> 01:12:46.640
okay and trust God with the outcomes again easier said than done but we're here to walk that with

1086
01:12:46.640 --> 01:12:53.360
you um the love story God has written for you does not depend on perfection it depends on obedience

1087
01:12:53.360 --> 01:12:59.360
healing and courage you're not late you're not behind you are literally being prepared

1088
01:13:01.040 --> 01:13:10.800
okay all right lots of hands up gonna go into questions I love it I know there's lots of

1089
01:13:10.800 --> 01:13:15.280
things going in the chat but I want to get to questions first and then I will come to

1090
01:13:15.280 --> 01:13:22.640
the questions in the chat so Audrey you're up next you're you're my first person up here

1091
01:13:23.360 --> 01:13:27.200
so I'm gonna go for you how are you what's going on

1092
01:13:31.920 --> 01:13:39.680
there you go you're on mute yes okay so um I yeah I'll just go ahead and start I guess this is kind

1093
01:13:39.680 --> 01:13:45.680
of a deeper question because I'm kind of deeper or kind of gotten to know a guy a little bit give

1094
01:13:45.680 --> 01:13:50.160
me the give me the highlights give me like the core things let's get to the question and then

1095
01:13:50.160 --> 01:13:55.680
if I have to ask some more to get pull some more details we'll do that how about that okay so I've

1096
01:13:55.680 --> 01:14:01.440
been seeing a guy for almost two months now I've been he knows about the 90 days I've been like

1097
01:14:01.440 --> 01:14:07.120
waiting and still getting to know him and stuff like that I really like him um it's long distance

1098
01:14:07.120 --> 01:14:13.120
about two and a half hours he's came to my town twice and then I this past weekend very fresh

1099
01:14:13.120 --> 01:14:19.920
very hot off the press um I was visiting him for the weekend I got an Airbnb it was a great weekend

1100
01:14:20.160 --> 01:14:26.240
we did a lot of activities we facetimed we've talked a lot about a lot of things I've liked this

1101
01:14:26.240 --> 01:14:30.560
guy I've enjoyed him I've been questioning about like attraction and different things

1102
01:14:31.200 --> 01:14:37.600
uh he has three kids he's been divorced um but anyways so naturally and organically

1103
01:14:38.720 --> 01:14:44.480
um this came up while we were spending time together this weekend every time we would get

1104
01:14:44.480 --> 01:14:51.360
in the car he this podcast would play about pornography and um literally we listened to the

1105
01:14:51.360 --> 01:14:55.840
it was like a podcast that he's recommended to me before not that specific one but every time we got

1106
01:14:55.840 --> 01:14:59.840
in the car it was on and would start playing like just because the bluetooth or whatever

1107
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.320
And with the first 15 minutes of it,

1108
01:15:03.320 --> 01:15:04.600
it was like talking about,

1109
01:15:04.600 --> 01:15:07.440
oh, what should a girl do when she's dating?

1110
01:15:07.440 --> 01:15:10.040
When should she ask about pornography?

1111
01:15:10.040 --> 01:15:12.500
And like, what's the question you ask?

1112
01:15:12.500 --> 01:15:15.080
Like, when's the last time you viewed pornography?

1113
01:15:15.080 --> 01:15:17.800
I've known this, like I've heard of this.

1114
01:15:17.800 --> 01:15:20.020
Like I'm very like,

1115
01:15:20.020 --> 01:15:21.920
obviously I had already prayed about to the Lord,

1116
01:15:21.920 --> 01:15:23.440
like, when do I talk about this?

1117
01:15:23.440 --> 01:15:25.600
When do I bring this up?

1118
01:15:25.600 --> 01:15:27.100
It's an important question.

1119
01:15:27.100 --> 01:15:30.340
I felt like it was an organic thing to like,

1120
01:15:31.500 --> 01:15:32.340
hey.

1121
01:15:32.340 --> 01:15:33.180
Well, hey.

1122
01:15:33.180 --> 01:15:34.820
So I'm guessing if it hopped on Bluetooth,

1123
01:15:34.820 --> 01:15:36.140
he must have been listening to it.

1124
01:15:36.140 --> 01:15:38.060
So, hey, honey, you.

1125
01:15:38.060 --> 01:15:38.900
I don't know.

1126
01:15:38.900 --> 01:15:39.720
I really don't know.

1127
01:15:39.720 --> 01:15:40.640
So guess what?

1128
01:15:40.640 --> 01:15:42.380
You'll answer that question.

1129
01:15:42.380 --> 01:15:44.860
I was like, I felt like it was really like the Lord,

1130
01:15:44.860 --> 01:15:46.620
like, okay, Audrey, go ahead.

1131
01:15:46.620 --> 01:15:47.460
Let's bring it.

1132
01:15:47.460 --> 01:15:48.280
How did he respond to it?

1133
01:15:48.280 --> 01:15:49.780
I mean, did he get weird?

1134
01:15:49.780 --> 01:15:50.620
No.

1135
01:15:50.620 --> 01:15:51.440
I actually felt like-

1136
01:15:51.440 --> 01:15:52.700
As long as there was like no discomfort,

1137
01:15:52.700 --> 01:15:54.640
it wasn't like awkward.

1138
01:15:54.640 --> 01:15:55.480
I didn't feel like-

1139
01:15:55.480 --> 01:15:57.520
That's gonna be a very, very awkward conversation.

1140
01:15:57.520 --> 01:15:59.000
If you are even awkward about it,

1141
01:15:59.000 --> 01:16:00.920
you might not be ready for that conversation.

1142
01:16:00.920 --> 01:16:02.120
And that's okay.

1143
01:16:02.120 --> 01:16:02.960
Yeah.

1144
01:16:02.960 --> 01:16:04.280
But from what I'm hearing from you,

1145
01:16:04.280 --> 01:16:06.840
you're kind of like, all right,

1146
01:16:06.840 --> 01:16:07.960
like this is organic.

1147
01:16:07.960 --> 01:16:08.800
This is natural.

1148
01:16:08.800 --> 01:16:10.000
Let's go.

1149
01:16:10.000 --> 01:16:11.240
That's kind of how I felt.

1150
01:16:11.240 --> 01:16:13.440
And like, I even asked, I was like,

1151
01:16:13.440 --> 01:16:15.520
can I, can we have this discussion?

1152
01:16:15.520 --> 01:16:17.920
Can I ask, are you okay or comfortable?

1153
01:16:17.920 --> 01:16:19.560
And he's like, yes.

1154
01:16:19.560 --> 01:16:20.760
And then-

1155
01:16:20.760 --> 01:16:22.400
Okay, so what was his response?

1156
01:16:22.400 --> 01:16:24.680
So yeah, this is kind of really like more deeper

1157
01:16:24.680 --> 01:16:27.040
and like really kind of what I have questions about,

1158
01:16:27.040 --> 01:16:29.000
about how do I need to proceed?

1159
01:16:29.000 --> 01:16:29.840
Okay.

1160
01:16:29.840 --> 01:16:32.000
This is a guy that I was really thinking

1161
01:16:32.000 --> 01:16:35.680
is leading towards becoming exclusive.

1162
01:16:35.680 --> 01:16:36.840
Okay.

1163
01:16:36.840 --> 01:16:38.800
Like, I've just been praying about it.

1164
01:16:38.800 --> 01:16:40.520
I've been like, Lord, what is your will?

1165
01:16:40.520 --> 01:16:42.600
Like, I feel like he's,

1166
01:16:42.600 --> 01:16:45.080
I felt like he's been ready to go exclusive.

1167
01:16:45.080 --> 01:16:47.080
He knows about my 90 days and like waiting.

1168
01:16:47.080 --> 01:16:48.880
So that's like a month out.

1169
01:16:48.880 --> 01:16:49.720
But I feel like-

1170
01:16:49.720 --> 01:16:51.920
When you say you're waiting for 90 days,

1171
01:16:51.920 --> 01:16:55.800
like you're waiting for talking about exclusivity.

1172
01:16:55.800 --> 01:16:57.280
Is that what you're referring to?

1173
01:16:57.280 --> 01:16:59.520
Yeah, making the decision after 90 days.

1174
01:16:59.520 --> 01:17:00.560
Okay.

1175
01:17:00.560 --> 01:17:01.400
Yeah.

1176
01:17:01.400 --> 01:17:02.640
Got it.

1177
01:17:02.640 --> 01:17:05.000
So basically his answer was,

1178
01:17:06.920 --> 01:17:09.880
he can't really remember the last time he viewed pornography

1179
01:17:09.880 --> 01:17:11.960
possibly two months ago.

1180
01:17:11.960 --> 01:17:15.080
And then one of the other questions was like,

1181
01:17:15.080 --> 01:17:18.160
basically just asking all about it.

1182
01:17:18.160 --> 01:17:20.560
And so it's kind of like what I,

1183
01:17:20.560 --> 01:17:22.640
well, we had a long conversation about it

1184
01:17:22.640 --> 01:17:24.560
because I had more questions,

1185
01:17:24.560 --> 01:17:28.800
but basically he's never really gotten free from it.

1186
01:17:28.800 --> 01:17:30.840
It's been an ongoing battle and struggle,

1187
01:17:30.840 --> 01:17:34.280
which he actually knows why and how and when.

1188
01:17:34.280 --> 01:17:39.280
And like, he's very much real about how he falls into that

1189
01:17:41.000 --> 01:17:42.560
and how it happens.

1190
01:17:43.480 --> 01:17:45.880
And basically kind of came down to the conclusion

1191
01:17:45.880 --> 01:17:48.320
of like this, he's been through a lot

1192
01:17:48.320 --> 01:17:50.040
in the past four years with divorce,

1193
01:17:50.840 --> 01:17:52.640
with finances, with all that stuff

1194
01:17:52.640 --> 01:17:54.600
and like weariness and everything.

1195
01:17:54.600 --> 01:17:56.680
And so he's honestly admitted to me,

1196
01:17:56.680 --> 01:17:59.960
he was like, I haven't seen this as an issue

1197
01:17:59.960 --> 01:18:02.880
to actually deal with and uncover

1198
01:18:02.880 --> 01:18:05.520
because I've been believing the lie from the enemy,

1199
01:18:05.520 --> 01:18:09.000
which is so subtle that it's not that big of a deal

1200
01:18:09.000 --> 01:18:11.280
or I can have this in my life

1201
01:18:11.280 --> 01:18:13.120
and there's no consequences to it,

1202
01:18:13.120 --> 01:18:16.280
which is the exact opposite of what that podcast talks about.

1203
01:18:16.280 --> 01:18:17.880
It's like sounding the alarm.

1204
01:18:17.880 --> 01:18:19.680
It's like, this is a big deal

1205
01:18:20.320 --> 01:18:22.160
and it's like, I don't know what affects your marriage.

1206
01:18:22.160 --> 01:18:24.320
And like, I mean, it's a great podcast.

1207
01:18:24.320 --> 01:18:27.360
I mean, like it's, I haven't listened to all of it yet,

1208
01:18:27.360 --> 01:18:28.960
which now he said he has,

1209
01:18:28.960 --> 01:18:32.000
but it's like basically his response is like,

1210
01:18:32.000 --> 01:18:35.120
I, you know, it could be every,

1211
01:18:35.120 --> 01:18:36.760
on average it could be once a month

1212
01:18:36.760 --> 01:18:39.440
he's looking at OnlyFans on Instagram,

1213
01:18:39.440 --> 01:18:43.480
or it could be he doesn't have any accountability set up.

1214
01:18:43.480 --> 01:18:47.120
Like there's never been like more than three months

1215
01:18:47.480 --> 01:18:49.080
in sobriety.

1216
01:18:49.080 --> 01:18:51.600
And I, in that moment, like, I mean, I get it.

1217
01:18:51.600 --> 01:18:52.560
I've struggled.

1218
01:18:52.560 --> 01:18:57.480
I have a testimony of overcoming that in different ways,

1219
01:18:57.480 --> 01:18:59.240
but still like I have a testimony,

1220
01:18:59.240 --> 01:19:03.080
like I have victory, you know, in this area.

1221
01:19:03.080 --> 01:19:04.240
Like I'm not perfect.

1222
01:19:04.240 --> 01:19:05.880
I have to guard it.

1223
01:19:05.880 --> 01:19:07.600
And I do, I guard it.

1224
01:19:07.600 --> 01:19:09.360
Like, and the Bible talks about, you know,

1225
01:19:09.360 --> 01:19:11.080
the Bible talks about that so much.

1226
01:19:11.080 --> 01:19:14.440
So it's like, and I even told him,

1227
01:19:14.440 --> 01:19:19.000
I was just like, look, dude, like you're an amazing guy.

1228
01:19:19.000 --> 01:19:20.960
And he is, he's an amazing guy.

1229
01:19:20.960 --> 01:19:22.360
I've enjoyed my time.

1230
01:19:22.360 --> 01:19:25.560
I've never felt took care of,

1231
01:19:25.560 --> 01:19:30.160
like loved in some ways, like seen in some ways.

1232
01:19:30.160 --> 01:19:31.560
Like I've enjoyed my time.

1233
01:19:31.560 --> 01:19:33.680
Like he's an amazing guy.

1234
01:19:33.680 --> 01:19:35.200
There's so much potential in him.

1235
01:19:35.200 --> 01:19:38.680
There's so much I see that God wants to do in his life.

1236
01:19:38.680 --> 01:19:40.040
And I was just like, look,

1237
01:19:41.040 --> 01:19:44.640
I mean, I just basically just told him the truth.

1238
01:19:44.640 --> 01:19:46.280
Like I would anybody else, like,

1239
01:19:46.280 --> 01:19:48.680
I'm like, God is wanting you to get free.

1240
01:19:48.680 --> 01:19:51.800
Like you, this does not need to be tolerated in your life.

1241
01:19:51.800 --> 01:19:54.800
Like this is, you have so much more, you know,

1242
01:19:54.800 --> 01:19:58.800
I let it all out in the loving way possible in a gentle way.

1243
01:19:58.800 --> 01:20:00.400
Like how I would want someone.

1244
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.920
want to tell me and how I've had people tell me.

1245
01:20:02.920 --> 01:20:05.320
So, and he was receptive to that.

1246
01:20:05.320 --> 01:20:08.360
Like he was, I mean, he was, I mean,

1247
01:20:08.360 --> 01:20:11.080
we had a pretty good like hour and a half,

1248
01:20:11.080 --> 01:20:12.680
two hour conversation.

1249
01:20:12.680 --> 01:20:16.040
And you know, he was like, I know I need accountability.

1250
01:20:16.040 --> 01:20:18.260
I'm going to reach out to these two men in my life

1251
01:20:18.260 --> 01:20:20.680
who are like pastors and a mentor in his life.

1252
01:20:20.680 --> 01:20:22.560
He's like, I'm going to confess to them.

1253
01:20:22.560 --> 01:20:24.640
I'm going to ask for accountability.

1254
01:20:24.640 --> 01:20:26.440
He says that he's reached out to them

1255
01:20:26.440 --> 01:20:28.200
and he has that set up,

1256
01:20:28.200 --> 01:20:31.160
but I don't know any details of what that looks like

1257
01:20:31.160 --> 01:20:33.600
or whatever, because I kind of just left yesterday,

1258
01:20:33.600 --> 01:20:36.560
which, you know, we, I did tell him, I was like,

1259
01:20:36.560 --> 01:20:38.400
hey, I'm going to have to pray about this,

1260
01:20:38.400 --> 01:20:39.480
about moving forward.

1261
01:20:39.480 --> 01:20:42.360
Like I need to seek wise counsel.

1262
01:20:42.360 --> 01:20:44.280
This is kind of concerning to me.

1263
01:20:44.280 --> 01:20:45.120
You know what I mean?

1264
01:20:45.120 --> 01:20:48.760
Because like my expectation to move forward with a man

1265
01:20:48.760 --> 01:20:52.520
is that there's some level of like freedom,

1266
01:20:52.520 --> 01:20:54.220
at least for three months or longer.

1267
01:20:54.220 --> 01:20:57.440
Like I even think it takes three months to be detoxed,

1268
01:20:57.440 --> 01:21:00.080
to not objectify women naturally.

1269
01:21:00.080 --> 01:21:02.200
So, I mean.

1270
01:21:02.200 --> 01:21:03.360
I think that's smart.

1271
01:21:03.360 --> 01:21:05.400
And I'm going to even look that up

1272
01:21:05.400 --> 01:21:07.480
because I know with,

1273
01:21:07.480 --> 01:21:11.680
I know with other addictive and other addictive programs,

1274
01:21:11.680 --> 01:21:15.680
they will like, like with alcohol and drugs,

1275
01:21:15.680 --> 01:21:19.600
when you decide to go into those types of programs,

1276
01:21:19.600 --> 01:21:20.880
they will tell those people

1277
01:21:20.880 --> 01:21:23.920
to not get in a relationship for a year.

1278
01:21:23.920 --> 01:21:27.080
I don't know if that's the same for pornography.

1279
01:21:27.720 --> 01:21:31.080
So I would want, before I give that,

1280
01:21:31.080 --> 01:21:34.800
I would want to know what do those,

1281
01:21:34.800 --> 01:21:37.040
like people who are in that kind of program,

1282
01:21:37.040 --> 01:21:38.720
what's encouraged for them.

1283
01:21:41.720 --> 01:21:46.720
We've had this come up in this community before.

1284
01:21:46.960 --> 01:21:49.140
So I've coached through this before.

1285
01:21:50.120 --> 01:21:53.700
So I'm going to be very transparent, okay?

1286
01:21:54.140 --> 01:21:57.660
You are not going to be able to get

1287
01:21:57.660 --> 01:21:59.020
into an exclusive relationship

1288
01:21:59.020 --> 01:22:01.900
with someone who has this as an issue.

1289
01:22:01.900 --> 01:22:02.740
Yeah.

1290
01:22:02.740 --> 01:22:04.340
You just can't.

1291
01:22:04.340 --> 01:22:05.180
Yeah.

1292
01:22:05.180 --> 01:22:06.000
Okay?

1293
01:22:06.000 --> 01:22:08.700
I'm not saying that means that it is, he's a bad person.

1294
01:22:08.700 --> 01:22:09.540
Yeah.

1295
01:22:09.540 --> 01:22:10.380
He's not struggling.

1296
01:22:10.380 --> 01:22:11.460
I'm not saying that he can't get free of this.

1297
01:22:11.460 --> 01:22:14.900
I'm not saying that he's really committed to owning.

1298
01:22:14.900 --> 01:22:17.200
He's going to start asking for accountability.

1299
01:22:18.260 --> 01:22:22.400
It is not your job to walk this out with him.

1300
01:22:22.920 --> 01:22:27.280
You can't hold him to the fire on this

1301
01:22:27.280 --> 01:22:31.200
because your relationship isn't that,

1302
01:22:31.200 --> 01:22:33.120
you're not exclusive with them.

1303
01:22:33.120 --> 01:22:38.120
Like you don't want to build your exclusive relationship

1304
01:22:39.520 --> 01:22:42.180
on this tether of something

1305
01:22:42.180 --> 01:22:44.760
that they're having to break free from.

1306
01:22:44.760 --> 01:22:46.260
Yes.

1307
01:22:46.260 --> 01:22:49.760
What can happen, and this has happened in our community,

1308
01:22:49.760 --> 01:22:51.800
someone was working through that.

1309
01:22:51.800 --> 01:22:54.120
Now they were already in the process

1310
01:22:54.120 --> 01:22:56.600
of working it with somebody,

1311
01:22:56.600 --> 01:23:01.600
but then they were asking her to hold them accountable.

1312
01:23:03.980 --> 01:23:05.520
It doesn't work that way.

1313
01:23:05.520 --> 01:23:08.840
So it was like, and then he was starting to test the waters

1314
01:23:08.840 --> 01:23:12.940
like what's physically okay and what's not.

1315
01:23:12.940 --> 01:23:15.800
When I'm hearing, like when y'all had that conversation,

1316
01:23:15.800 --> 01:23:19.400
I love the fact that he is open enough

1317
01:23:19.400 --> 01:23:20.520
to be honest with you.

1318
01:23:21.400 --> 01:23:22.840
That is a quality character.

1319
01:23:22.840 --> 01:23:24.320
That's what I'm saying.

1320
01:23:24.320 --> 01:23:26.880
It is not our heart and our space

1321
01:23:26.880 --> 01:23:30.120
to criticize and judge him at all.

1322
01:23:30.120 --> 01:23:33.120
Like you said, we all have stuff.

1323
01:23:33.120 --> 01:23:34.520
We've all struggled.

1324
01:23:36.080 --> 01:23:39.520
I struggled with that too in my past.

1325
01:23:39.520 --> 01:23:42.220
I've, you know, have testimony of that as well.

1326
01:23:43.560 --> 01:23:47.320
So we're not condemning somebody for it,

1327
01:23:47.320 --> 01:23:52.320
but you also need to have some non-negotiables

1328
01:23:52.520 --> 01:23:54.200
and hold some boundaries

1329
01:23:54.200 --> 01:23:58.080
because you do understand what that can create in a marriage.

1330
01:23:58.080 --> 01:24:01.480
And that is, you can't build a foundation

1331
01:24:01.480 --> 01:24:06.120
and a healthy relationship with someone who is justifying

1332
01:24:06.120 --> 01:24:08.760
and not thinking that their addiction

1333
01:24:08.760 --> 01:24:13.440
or the desire to occasionally look at OnlyFans

1334
01:24:13.440 --> 01:24:15.400
and have some sort of pornography

1335
01:24:15.400 --> 01:24:17.440
is just not that big of a deal.

1336
01:24:17.440 --> 01:24:18.560
Yes.

1337
01:24:18.560 --> 01:24:21.480
It just isn't, okay?

1338
01:24:21.480 --> 01:24:23.880
He might not be convicted with it.

1339
01:24:23.880 --> 01:24:26.300
He might not have gotten the conviction,

1340
01:24:27.320 --> 01:24:29.920
but he is also sitting here thinking,

1341
01:24:29.920 --> 01:24:33.440
well, it's just, it's never been a big deal for me,

1342
01:24:33.440 --> 01:24:36.000
so I guess I've just never really dealt with it.

1343
01:24:37.300 --> 01:24:39.960
Okay, now that this is coming up,

1344
01:24:42.120 --> 01:24:43.800
are you gonna deal with it?

1345
01:24:43.800 --> 01:24:44.640
Yeah.

1346
01:24:45.600 --> 01:24:49.720
But I don't want you to sit here in this process

1347
01:24:49.720 --> 01:24:53.000
being so hopeful, oh, see, he's dealing with it.

1348
01:24:53.000 --> 01:24:54.840
Look, he's done this, this, and that.

1349
01:24:56.880 --> 01:24:58.840
Like, I don't know how long that process is.

1350
01:24:58.840 --> 01:24:59.680
That's what I'm saying.

1351
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.840
and other addiction recovery programs,

1352
01:25:02.840 --> 01:25:05.320
they tell them no relationships for a year.

1353
01:25:05.320 --> 01:25:08.640
I don't know if that's the same with pornography.

1354
01:25:08.640 --> 01:25:10.280
It's possible it is.

1355
01:25:11.160 --> 01:25:14.000
So we're not having you wait around for a year.

1356
01:25:14.000 --> 01:25:15.120
I mean, I would even say,

1357
01:25:15.120 --> 01:25:17.200
do you want to wait around three months?

1358
01:25:19.280 --> 01:25:24.280
I mean, yeah, I mean, I, I mean, my,

1359
01:25:24.280 --> 01:25:29.280
my gut instinct, yeah, my gut instinct is no,

1360
01:25:30.080 --> 01:25:31.760
I'm not waiting for anybody.

1361
01:25:31.760 --> 01:25:36.280
Like my, like, especially if, you know,

1362
01:25:36.280 --> 01:25:38.480
somebody comes along, like I think it's more so

1363
01:25:38.480 --> 01:25:40.800
like if I haven't met anybody else

1364
01:25:40.800 --> 01:25:42.460
and thinking about going exclusive,

1365
01:25:42.460 --> 01:25:45.000
it's like three months later, he pops up.

1366
01:25:45.000 --> 01:25:46.060
Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

1367
01:25:46.060 --> 01:25:48.120
I think you can leave the door like, hey.

1368
01:25:48.120 --> 01:25:49.000
Yeah.

1369
01:25:49.000 --> 01:25:53.080
It's, I am so thankful you shared that with me.

1370
01:25:53.080 --> 01:25:54.800
That was really vulnerable.

1371
01:25:54.800 --> 01:25:58.640
Like that is such a amazing quality in a man.

1372
01:25:58.640 --> 01:25:59.520
I value that.

1373
01:25:59.520 --> 01:26:01.060
I appreciate that.

1374
01:26:01.060 --> 01:26:02.680
I respect that.

1375
01:26:05.360 --> 01:26:09.640
Because that is so important in relationship

1376
01:26:09.640 --> 01:26:11.320
between a man and a woman,

1377
01:26:11.320 --> 01:26:14.840
I do think it is important for you to go work through that.

1378
01:26:14.840 --> 01:26:17.040
And I want to be able to give you that space

1379
01:26:17.040 --> 01:26:19.720
to be able to, to work through that.

1380
01:26:19.720 --> 01:26:24.720
So I'm not comfortable moving forward,

1381
01:26:25.200 --> 01:26:29.440
but if you decide that you want to work on this

1382
01:26:29.440 --> 01:26:32.500
and this is something that you do want to get freed from,

1383
01:26:32.500 --> 01:26:34.440
I'm going to encourage you to do that.

1384
01:26:34.440 --> 01:26:38.200
And then if down the road, you've worked through this

1385
01:26:38.200 --> 01:26:40.440
and you feel like in a much healthier state

1386
01:26:40.440 --> 01:26:43.780
where you really feel like this is not going to be an issue

1387
01:26:43.780 --> 01:26:47.980
in a relationship, please feel free to reach out to me

1388
01:26:47.980 --> 01:26:51.220
because who knows where I'll be, you know,

1389
01:26:51.220 --> 01:26:52.780
if there's an open door,

1390
01:26:52.780 --> 01:26:56.140
then I would love to continue to pick this up

1391
01:26:56.140 --> 01:26:58.260
where we've left it.

1392
01:26:58.260 --> 01:27:01.300
But right now, I think it's probably more important

1393
01:27:01.300 --> 01:27:04.460
that you work on sorting this out for you

1394
01:27:04.460 --> 01:27:06.540
before you even consider getting

1395
01:27:06.540 --> 01:27:08.500
into a relationship for yourself,

1396
01:27:08.500 --> 01:27:12.980
because it's valuable for you to like,

1397
01:27:12.980 --> 01:27:14.220
it's going to be valued,

1398
01:27:14.220 --> 01:27:18.900
valuable to any relationship that you want to enter into.

1399
01:27:19.980 --> 01:27:22.940
This isn't about me, this is about you

1400
01:27:22.940 --> 01:27:25.700
having an opportunity to have the healthiest relationship

1401
01:27:25.700 --> 01:27:30.460
for you, if it's with me or with not, or without.

1402
01:27:30.460 --> 01:27:31.540
Yes, 100%.

1403
01:27:31.540 --> 01:27:34.100
That's how you are coming at it, honoring.

1404
01:27:34.100 --> 01:27:37.500
And again, doesn't mean he's going to hear it that way,

1405
01:27:37.500 --> 01:27:42.500
but it's not your responsibility to hold his feelings.

1406
01:27:44.540 --> 01:27:46.460
He's allowed to feel however he wants to feel

1407
01:27:46.460 --> 01:27:47.300
and it's not your fault, okay?

1408
01:27:47.300 --> 01:27:49.540
That's so good, that is so good.

1409
01:27:49.540 --> 01:27:51.620
And I express that to all of you ladies,

1410
01:27:51.620 --> 01:27:54.020
because I get so many of you ladies in other situations,

1411
01:27:54.020 --> 01:27:57.340
you're like, I just don't want to hurt his feelings.

1412
01:27:57.340 --> 01:28:00.480
Ladies, if you're clear and kind,

1413
01:28:01.340 --> 01:28:03.800
he decides how his feelings are.

1414
01:28:05.220 --> 01:28:09.100
If your heart is in a posture to not be hurtful

1415
01:28:09.100 --> 01:28:14.060
and you're clear and kind, it's not on you.

1416
01:28:14.900 --> 01:28:18.180
Now, if you're going in there with some kind of attitude

1417
01:28:18.180 --> 01:28:21.340
and you're just like, dude, like, I'm sorry,

1418
01:28:21.340 --> 01:28:23.100
but I just cannot get with somebody who's going to do that.

1419
01:28:23.100 --> 01:28:25.500
And you know, you really should probably look at that.

1420
01:28:25.500 --> 01:28:29.060
Like, do you see if there's judgment on that?

1421
01:28:29.060 --> 01:28:33.100
It's dripping in judgment, that's offensive.

1422
01:28:33.100 --> 01:28:36.980
Yeah, he going to get triggered by that.

1423
01:28:36.980 --> 01:28:39.140
Like, that's going to be hurtful.

1424
01:28:40.140 --> 01:28:43.660
But if your heart is coming in from an approach of,

1425
01:28:43.660 --> 01:28:48.540
look, I appreciate and respect the fact

1426
01:28:48.540 --> 01:28:50.700
that you were willing to share that with me.

1427
01:28:50.700 --> 01:28:52.460
That's not always easy,

1428
01:28:52.460 --> 01:28:55.920
especially in early stages of getting to know somebody.

1429
01:28:57.140 --> 01:29:00.260
I know how difficult that might've been.

1430
01:29:01.940 --> 01:29:04.700
I do want to, I want to honor the space

1431
01:29:04.700 --> 01:29:06.460
for you to be able to go work that out,

1432
01:29:06.460 --> 01:29:09.380
because in any relationship you get into,

1433
01:29:09.380 --> 01:29:11.500
whether it's with me or anybody,

1434
01:29:12.500 --> 01:29:17.060
you deserve to have an opportunity

1435
01:29:17.060 --> 01:29:18.180
to have a healthy relationship

1436
01:29:18.180 --> 01:29:23.180
where that is not going to be part of the foundation.

1437
01:29:24.820 --> 01:29:25.900
Yeah.

1438
01:29:25.900 --> 01:29:26.740
That's really good.

1439
01:29:26.740 --> 01:29:28.340
I'm glad you brought that up.

1440
01:29:28.340 --> 01:29:31.740
I think this is a great thing for you ladies

1441
01:29:31.740 --> 01:29:33.780
to be able to hear, because believe it or not,

1442
01:29:33.820 --> 01:29:36.500
many of you ladies are going to

1443
01:29:36.500 --> 01:29:37.940
have these types of scenarios.

1444
01:29:37.940 --> 01:29:41.580
Like I said, I coached a woman last year,

1445
01:29:41.580 --> 01:29:43.540
might've been even a year and a half ago.

1446
01:29:43.540 --> 01:29:46.500
She was in a relationship with somebody,

1447
01:29:46.500 --> 01:29:47.740
dating relationship.

1448
01:29:47.740 --> 01:29:50.420
We didn't find out about it until we'd talked her

1449
01:29:50.420 --> 01:29:52.220
into kind of getting comfortable

1450
01:29:52.220 --> 01:29:54.180
with going out on a date with this guy,

1451
01:29:55.540 --> 01:29:57.620
because she had some walls up.

1452
01:29:57.620 --> 01:29:59.580
And so he presented well,

1453
01:29:59.580 --> 01:30:00.420
and then all of a sudden,

1454
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:02.000
All of a sudden we're like, yeah, go on a date with this guy.

1455
01:30:02.000 --> 01:30:03.280
And she's like, oh, I'm getting to know him.

1456
01:30:03.280 --> 01:30:04.040
It's great.

1457
01:30:04.440 --> 01:30:08.920
And then like, like a month later, uh, he just told me he

1458
01:30:08.920 --> 01:30:10.000
struggles with pornography.

1459
01:30:10.000 --> 01:30:11.720
And we were like, whoa.

1460
01:30:11.760 --> 01:30:12.160
Okay.

1461
01:30:12.160 --> 01:30:13.480
Now you got new information.

1462
01:30:13.960 --> 01:30:14.320
Yeah.

1463
01:30:14.960 --> 01:30:19.160
Don't beat yourself up for trying it out, but now you've got new information.

1464
01:30:19.160 --> 01:30:22.920
Now we, we gotta, we're getting wise counsel now.

1465
01:30:23.440 --> 01:30:23.800
Okay.

1466
01:30:23.800 --> 01:30:27.800
So ladies, this is when God defended comes in play.

1467
01:30:28.800 --> 01:30:36.080
I don't think it was by coincidence that you walked in to that conversation.

1468
01:30:38.480 --> 01:30:44.960
To me, I think God allowed that to come to light because it's giving you the

1469
01:30:44.960 --> 01:30:48.720
opportunity to be like, okay, how do I feel about this?

1470
01:30:50.720 --> 01:30:56.040
You are given this opportunity where now you get to hold a boundary in a line

1471
01:30:56.720 --> 01:31:08.880
and you get to say, I'm not going to sacrifice and, and my core values for

1472
01:31:08.880 --> 01:31:12.520
this, this ladies that will happen.

1473
01:31:14.000 --> 01:31:18.400
There will be times like there will be a really great guy and he's going to look

1474
01:31:18.400 --> 01:31:18.800
great.

1475
01:31:18.800 --> 01:31:22.200
And there's going to be one thing you're like, well, I can compromise on this.

1476
01:31:23.120 --> 01:31:25.480
That's easily how the enemy will want to operate.

1477
01:31:25.720 --> 01:31:32.280
He will get you to compromise on values that God's not going to make you

1478
01:31:32.280 --> 01:31:38.200
compromise a value that he's put in your heart, that he desires for you.

1479
01:31:38.560 --> 01:31:40.400
He's not going to make you compromise that.

1480
01:31:42.160 --> 01:31:43.440
So I love that you brought that up.

1481
01:31:43.480 --> 01:31:44.840
Thank you so much for sharing that.

1482
01:31:44.840 --> 01:31:45.800
I really appreciate it.

1483
01:31:46.280 --> 01:31:47.080
Thank you, Carla.

1484
01:31:47.160 --> 01:31:50.320
Um, so it kind of, cause I've just been, I'm like, Lord, what do I need to do?

1485
01:31:50.320 --> 01:31:53.200
How do I need to, like, I just, I agree with everything you said.

1486
01:31:53.200 --> 01:31:54.640
It's kind of what I've been feeling.

1487
01:31:55.200 --> 01:31:59.720
So kind of with that, it's like, I kind of probably need to close the door of

1488
01:31:59.720 --> 01:32:03.360
even just spending time with him to get to know him and the FaceTiming and the

1489
01:32:03.360 --> 01:32:06.080
texting and all that, that we've kind of had.

1490
01:32:06.400 --> 01:32:11.200
Look, I've spent some time, I've gotten some wise counsel and I've really, I've

1491
01:32:11.200 --> 01:32:12.240
gotten peace about this.

1492
01:32:12.240 --> 01:32:16.000
And again, like if you need to go back and watch this and replay and write down

1493
01:32:16.000 --> 01:32:18.680
some of the notes, if you like some of the verbiage and the language and you

1494
01:32:18.680 --> 01:32:23.120
need to kind of prep, like do whatever it is that you need to do a hundred percent.

1495
01:32:23.600 --> 01:32:26.240
I mean, I'm a person, I have to rehearse sometimes the things I'm going to say

1496
01:32:27.520 --> 01:32:28.200
that's just me.

1497
01:32:29.240 --> 01:32:32.200
So do whatever it is that you have to do, but yeah.

1498
01:32:32.360 --> 01:32:34.560
Um, no, I think it's wise.

1499
01:32:34.720 --> 01:32:35.200
Yeah.

1500
01:32:35.440 --> 01:32:36.920
Yeah, I agree.

1501
01:32:37.040 --> 01:32:38.360
It's really disappointing though.

1502
01:32:38.360 --> 01:32:40.880
I'm like, and I even feel that from him.

1503
01:32:40.880 --> 01:32:46.560
Like, I think he knows and it's like, he's like not wanting to like lose the

1504
01:32:46.560 --> 01:32:50.200
connection and like lose the, which again, you're not saying like, Hey, I'm not

1505
01:32:50.200 --> 01:32:51.800
closing the door permanently.

1506
01:32:51.800 --> 01:32:56.840
I'm saying, look, if, if this, if, if God is, is all over this, guess what?

1507
01:32:57.960 --> 01:33:01.240
I'll be here six months down the road.

1508
01:33:01.760 --> 01:33:06.160
If that's the case, if that's the case, you know, like we got to

1509
01:33:06.160 --> 01:33:08.040
trust God with this right now.

1510
01:33:08.240 --> 01:33:09.000
Absolutely.

1511
01:33:09.320 --> 01:33:18.520
Cause you, again, it's each, each of you deserve the opportunity for your best

1512
01:33:18.520 --> 01:33:23.080
shot at healthy relationship, whether it's with each other or whether it's somebody

1513
01:33:23.080 --> 01:33:23.600
else.

1514
01:33:23.880 --> 01:33:24.440
Yes.

1515
01:33:24.480 --> 01:33:25.280
That's so good.

1516
01:33:25.560 --> 01:33:26.160
Yes.

1517
01:33:26.480 --> 01:33:28.400
It's just, you know, it's true.

1518
01:33:28.800 --> 01:33:29.160
Yeah.

1519
01:33:30.040 --> 01:33:32.160
And ladies, I want you to think about that.

1520
01:33:32.160 --> 01:33:39.520
Even when someone maybe says, Hey, I'm going to have to like, maybe they break

1521
01:33:39.520 --> 01:33:40.760
things off with you.

1522
01:33:41.560 --> 01:33:45.800
If you can frame it in that, you know what, that's the best thing for me.

1523
01:33:46.040 --> 01:33:50.720
Cause now it gives me, it releases me to go have the best relationship

1524
01:33:50.720 --> 01:33:52.160
that's actually out there for me.

1525
01:33:53.200 --> 01:33:54.240
That happened to me.

1526
01:33:54.280 --> 01:33:58.680
My son's dad left me seven months pregnant.

1527
01:33:59.440 --> 01:34:06.040
I was devastated the way that I had to literally wrap my head.

1528
01:34:06.040 --> 01:34:09.360
The mindset that I had to have was he did me a favor.

1529
01:34:11.120 --> 01:34:12.280
He really did.

1530
01:34:12.640 --> 01:34:18.560
He set me up to not be in a relationship that was going to not just be toxic for

1531
01:34:18.560 --> 01:34:20.640
me, but be toxic for my son to be around.

1532
01:34:21.640 --> 01:34:28.440
He gave me the best shot at finding who God had for me to be in a marriage that

1533
01:34:28.440 --> 01:34:35.800
God wanted for me and to have a husband that was going to show up in a fatherly

1534
01:34:35.800 --> 01:34:42.520
way more consistently than what his biological father has been able to do.

1535
01:34:44.760 --> 01:34:45.800
I wouldn't have done that.

1536
01:34:45.960 --> 01:34:46.800
I would have stayed in it.

1537
01:34:46.800 --> 01:34:48.360
That's just the type of person I am.

1538
01:34:48.880 --> 01:34:51.000
Like when I'm in it, I'm in it.

1539
01:34:51.040 --> 01:34:52.280
Like I'm a loyal person.

1540
01:34:52.280 --> 01:34:55.600
Like when I took Cymbis, I'm like, I'm that loyal, like that's how I am.

1541
01:34:56.040 --> 01:34:56.440
All right.

1542
01:34:56.440 --> 01:35:00.040
There's, I'm like, when I make a commitment, I make a commitment.

1543
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:05.900
Like divorce isn't an option, you know, now, unless it's a biblical grounds, like there

1544
01:35:05.900 --> 01:35:10.720
are biblical grounds, but that he did me a favor.

1545
01:35:10.720 --> 01:35:17.160
He gave me such a gift by giving me the opportunity to have a healthy marriage and be with a healthy

1546
01:35:17.160 --> 01:35:20.440
husband because he wasn't going to be it.

1547
01:35:20.440 --> 01:35:28.040
So if you ladies can bring that and like digest that, it doesn't mean that it's not going

1548
01:35:28.040 --> 01:35:37.280
to hurt, but remind yourself of that truth, you know what, I've got something better out

1549
01:35:37.280 --> 01:35:38.280
there.

1550
01:35:38.280 --> 01:35:39.280
Okay.

1551
01:35:39.280 --> 01:35:40.280
All right.

1552
01:35:40.280 --> 01:35:41.280
Rosanna, how are you?

1553
01:35:41.280 --> 01:35:46.840
She's going to go work out here, here shortly when we get off this call.

1554
01:35:46.840 --> 01:35:47.840
Yes.

1555
01:35:47.840 --> 01:35:52.040
I'm waiting for my teenage son to come home from the Y so that I can go so you can watch

1556
01:35:52.040 --> 01:35:53.040
my two little ones.

1557
01:35:53.040 --> 01:35:54.040
I have five children.

1558
01:35:54.040 --> 01:35:57.040
So, um, you go, you go.

1559
01:35:57.040 --> 01:35:58.040
Okay.

1560
01:35:58.040 --> 01:35:59.040
I am real quick.

1561
01:35:59.040 --> 01:36:03.040
I'm a widow way almost two years ago.

1562
01:36:03.040 --> 01:36:07.040
And, um, I was telling her on here, um, he struggled with addiction, drug addiction.

1563
01:36:07.040 --> 01:36:11.600
Um, and so a non-negotiable for me is I do not want to be with anybody with any type

1564
01:36:11.600 --> 01:36:13.560
of addiction recovery.

1565
01:36:13.560 --> 01:36:18.360
It is not a knock on anyone who was in that beautiful, bless the Lord, all of that.

1566
01:36:18.360 --> 01:36:21.880
Um, but like, I love that Audrey brought that up because that's the next thing.

1567
01:36:21.880 --> 01:36:28.440
Like even sexual addiction is an addiction and, um, I'm not, I'm not, um, what is it

1568
01:36:28.440 --> 01:36:29.440
like?

1569
01:36:29.440 --> 01:36:30.440
I've seen porn.

1570
01:36:30.440 --> 01:36:32.640
I've like, it's not, it's nothing new to me, but it's not something I struggle with.

1571
01:36:32.640 --> 01:36:35.040
And those are things I addressed a very long time ago.

1572
01:36:35.040 --> 01:36:36.040
Yeah.

1573
01:36:36.040 --> 01:36:39.240
So that's a non-negotiable that I wrote on my list that Jackie had for us.

1574
01:36:39.240 --> 01:36:42.760
Um, so I'm glad that Audrey brought that up because eventually that's going to have to

1575
01:36:42.760 --> 01:36:47.600
be a topic that has to be addressed because I love sex and I do not want him daydreaming

1576
01:36:47.600 --> 01:36:48.600
about some highlight reel.

1577
01:36:48.600 --> 01:36:49.600
He had an only fans.

1578
01:36:49.600 --> 01:36:50.600
No, thank you.

1579
01:36:50.600 --> 01:36:51.600
I'm hot enough.

1580
01:36:52.320 --> 01:36:53.320
I'm on my phone and I was on you.

1581
01:36:54.320 --> 01:36:55.320
Do you know what I'm saying?

1582
01:36:55.320 --> 01:36:56.320
Let's repeat this.

1583
01:36:56.320 --> 01:36:57.320
Well, ladies, it will.

1584
01:36:57.320 --> 01:36:58.320
It breaks trust.

1585
01:36:58.320 --> 01:37:04.760
Like trust is so important in a relationship and when you invite, you know, pornography

1586
01:37:04.760 --> 01:37:11.360
and any of that stuff, it really in, in, let's, and I don't even go a step further.

1587
01:37:11.360 --> 01:37:19.300
If you have sex before marriage, it will literally cripple your trust in your marriage.

1588
01:37:19.300 --> 01:37:26.940
It, there, it's just something that happens because now you're uncertain.

1589
01:37:26.940 --> 01:37:29.380
You're not sure.

1590
01:37:29.380 --> 01:37:30.380
Am I enough?

1591
01:37:30.380 --> 01:37:32.700
Am I like that?

1592
01:37:32.700 --> 01:37:34.900
It trust is so important.

1593
01:37:34.900 --> 01:37:36.140
That's why it is really key.

1594
01:37:36.140 --> 01:37:39.620
I'm glad that you, you know, that is a non-negotiable.

1595
01:37:39.620 --> 01:37:43.700
And again, like you said, you know, that the, the whole addiction piece, that's going to

1596
01:37:43.700 --> 01:37:50.660
be a non-negotiable for you based on some of your experiences and maybe even what your

1597
01:37:50.660 --> 01:37:51.860
children have experienced.

1598
01:37:51.860 --> 01:37:55.140
Like you're, you're sitting here thinking, okay, I know that it doesn't mean that you

1599
01:37:55.140 --> 01:37:56.620
don't extend grace.

1600
01:37:56.620 --> 01:37:57.900
I was very similar.

1601
01:37:57.900 --> 01:37:58.900
Okay.

1602
01:37:58.900 --> 01:38:01.060
I was in a relationship with a drug addict and alcoholic.

1603
01:38:01.060 --> 01:38:02.700
It was very toxic.

1604
01:38:02.700 --> 01:38:04.220
It was very unhealthy.

1605
01:38:04.220 --> 01:38:10.140
I knew for my wellbeing, especially then once I became a mom, I was not going to invite

1606
01:38:10.140 --> 01:38:15.100
that into my life because it just what, there was no space for it.

1607
01:38:15.100 --> 01:38:20.340
I just didn't know what that didn't mean that I didn't love people that I'm like, you know,

1608
01:38:20.340 --> 01:38:23.780
praise y'all that if you can, there's no judgment.

1609
01:38:23.780 --> 01:38:33.060
I just knew it was not, I just knew God told me that's just not going to be for you.

1610
01:38:33.060 --> 01:38:38.060
Didn't mean that I didn't have conversations with guys that struggled with it.

1611
01:38:38.060 --> 01:38:41.380
And I would be open to getting to know them.

1612
01:38:41.380 --> 01:38:46.500
But when it came down to, and I sat with it with the Lord, the Lord's like, no, it's okay

1613
01:38:46.500 --> 01:38:47.500
to be a no here.

1614
01:38:47.500 --> 01:38:51.140
I'd be like, okay, I'm okay with that.

1615
01:38:51.140 --> 01:38:52.140
I learned a lot.

1616
01:38:52.140 --> 01:38:54.460
Like I learned that I could show grace.

1617
01:38:54.460 --> 01:38:59.760
I learned that I didn't have to be controlled by someone else's addictions and challenges,

1618
01:38:59.760 --> 01:39:07.300
but I also learned it just wasn't a lifestyle that I was going to have that I was ready

1619
01:39:07.300 --> 01:39:08.740
to have the capacity and grace for it.

1620
01:39:08.740 --> 01:39:10.660
Like I was just like, God was like, it's okay.

1621
01:39:10.660 --> 01:39:13.180
You don't have to like, okay, cool.

1622
01:39:13.180 --> 01:39:14.180
Moving on.

1623
01:39:14.180 --> 01:39:16.620
Like, so I love that you brought that up.

1624
01:39:16.620 --> 01:39:17.620
Yeah.

1625
01:39:17.620 --> 01:39:19.220
I have compassion for it.

1626
01:39:19.220 --> 01:39:23.300
It's going to knock out amazing people, but like, I don't want to have to, the other shoe

1627
01:39:23.300 --> 01:39:26.900
dropped multiple times and I never thought it would.

1628
01:39:26.900 --> 01:39:27.900
Right.

1629
01:39:27.900 --> 01:39:32.460
And so I, I just, I won't, I won't put my children through that again.

1630
01:39:32.460 --> 01:39:38.620
And I don't want to put myself through that, but I respect the heck out of people in recovery.

1631
01:39:38.620 --> 01:39:43.420
My compassion for it is so much greater because I loved one, an addict.

1632
01:39:43.420 --> 01:39:46.660
So totally, totally get it.

1633
01:39:46.660 --> 01:39:49.420
So it's not that it's just something that I, I am choosing.

1634
01:39:49.420 --> 01:39:54.740
I do want to say to you, okay, this, again, this is not like, I just, this is not a doomsday

1635
01:39:54.740 --> 01:39:55.740
message.

1636
01:39:55.740 --> 01:40:00.020
This is a, because you recognize you've got some past trauma.

1637
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.600
how the shoe always dropped. I do want you to recognize how that similar feeling could

1638
01:40:05.600 --> 01:40:10.320
potentially show up in any relationship because you've had the experience where

1639
01:40:11.520 --> 01:40:16.240
you've always anticipated you've had this expectancy like things are going to go great

1640
01:40:16.240 --> 01:40:19.600
but then like in the back of your mind like is the shoe going to drop is this you're going to

1641
01:40:19.600 --> 01:40:24.080
drop is this you're going to drop just because someone's on an addict does not mean that there

1642
01:40:24.080 --> 01:40:28.800
are not going to be times that's going to try to creep into any any new relationship.

1643
01:40:28.800 --> 01:40:33.280
I want you to be mindful of that and I want you to when you recognize that feeling

1644
01:40:34.240 --> 01:40:39.440
be able to address that lie and recognize and be able to communicate with the person that you are

1645
01:40:39.440 --> 01:40:45.440
in a relationship with and be open and working with the Lord about like what that healing looks

1646
01:40:45.440 --> 01:40:51.440
like and I only say this from my own experience like I'm I'm married and we literally just talked

1647
01:40:51.440 --> 01:40:57.680
about that recently that this I've had people like not follow through say that they were going

1648
01:40:57.680 --> 01:41:02.480
to get clean and sober and then they didn't follow through so anytime my husband says that

1649
01:41:02.480 --> 01:41:07.520
he's going to do something and he doesn't follow through like it could be simple as like going and

1650
01:41:07.520 --> 01:41:14.640
picking the kids up from practice and then he forgets it will bring me back to that same emotional

1651
01:41:14.640 --> 01:41:22.080
feeling of when my drug addict former boyfriend said he was going to get clean and sober and then

1652
01:41:22.080 --> 01:41:33.360
I found him using again and I'm like and it would put me in that same reactive state and my husband

1653
01:41:33.360 --> 01:41:42.000
be like I forgot and I'm like and he's like you are reacting like and and I had to recognize I'm

1654
01:41:42.000 --> 01:41:48.640
like oh my goodness this is me responding out of something else so I'm saying that just to

1655
01:41:48.640 --> 01:41:56.160
keep that in mind as you walk into dating that if you recognize that feeling that's all that is

1656
01:41:56.160 --> 01:42:04.400
it's nothing to be scared of feel it feel it we'll address it it you'll be fine yeah my I've

1657
01:42:04.400 --> 01:42:09.680
been doing therapy and she said that she's like Ro the shoe dropped look where you are and I'm like

1658
01:42:09.680 --> 01:42:16.080
oh oh my gosh so she addressed that with me I'm glad you're saying it though because I guess now

1659
01:42:16.080 --> 01:42:19.920
even you addressing it is saying the falsity of knowing that it's not going to happen again is a

1660
01:42:19.920 --> 01:42:25.280
complete lie it's just how am I going to react to it when it does happen because I'm flawed so I'm

1661
01:42:25.280 --> 01:42:28.960
going to disappoint him too and I have to remember that because I get all my kids with stuff like how

1662
01:42:28.960 --> 01:42:34.000
do you forget that I'm a mother of five and I forget stuff all the time so like I it's so easy

1663
01:42:34.640 --> 01:42:39.200
that I justify well I'm gonna take care of everybody else I'm not allowed to forget things

1664
01:42:39.200 --> 01:42:43.360
you only have to worry about you I have to worry about all of you yes yes and I said and they

1665
01:42:43.360 --> 01:42:47.360
rolled her eyes at me I guess the one quick question I have and I'm going to try to do this

1666
01:42:47.360 --> 01:42:51.520
so that you can get to the other women I'm fine I'm super excited about getting on the apps now

1667
01:42:51.520 --> 01:42:56.480
I have a different mindset this mindset is differently fresh and new and exciting because

1668
01:42:56.480 --> 01:43:00.400
now I'm not looking like oh is this guy going to be a potential husband I'm doing this to put the

1669
01:43:00.400 --> 01:43:05.440
practice of heartwork and dating online in to action we're doing it we're putting what feet

1670
01:43:05.440 --> 01:43:10.720
to our face like she says and I'm going to do that so I'm very pumped about that to learn about myself

1671
01:43:10.720 --> 01:43:15.680
and to learn maybe new likes and dislikes that I never realized I had and met and work on my

1672
01:43:15.680 --> 01:43:21.920
communication skills etc so with that I did this um the times and seasons thing that Jackie had

1673
01:43:21.920 --> 01:43:26.480
with Bethany Hicks and it was mind-blowing and so like I realize I'm in two different seasons of my

1674
01:43:26.480 --> 01:43:30.720
life winter with my babies like I am hibernating I am someone who loves to go out I'm a social

1675
01:43:30.720 --> 01:43:36.080
butterfly I love to do that when I was married and when I as a single mother um so like I'm

1676
01:43:36.080 --> 01:43:39.440
and the Lord is blessing me with that time to hibernate with my children all five of them

1677
01:43:39.440 --> 01:43:44.480
because they range from age 16 to age six so I have a huge gap in age but they're beautiful and

1678
01:43:44.480 --> 01:43:49.040
the Lord is blessing that time individually and as a mother with all of them to be with them so

1679
01:43:49.040 --> 01:43:53.600
he's honoring that on top of that though I feel like I'm in a transition into spring stage with

1680
01:43:53.600 --> 01:43:58.800
my love life I sense it like I don't know if this sounds hopefully somebody can relate to this like

1681
01:43:58.800 --> 01:44:04.160
I can sense my man is coming I can feel it I don't know what it is I may have already met him

1682
01:44:04.160 --> 01:44:07.600
because I'm I have a guy friend that I've talked to for six months you know the preparation period

1683
01:44:07.600 --> 01:44:13.200
is here like you know it's approaching like yes point is yes and I'm there I feel like even the

1684
01:44:13.200 --> 01:44:19.280
snow days God is I cannot tell you the compounding of efficiency I have prayed for for it almost a

1685
01:44:19.280 --> 01:44:24.400
decade to get stuff because I struggle with I have ADHD and I embrace it but um the Lord is also

1686
01:44:24.400 --> 01:44:29.440
going to help me with that gift that I have that's just a different thing that I have but he's helped

1687
01:44:29.440 --> 01:44:34.000
I deleted 29,000 emails yesterday while watching a movie with my little ones but I was like let's

1688
01:44:34.000 --> 01:44:37.440
be proactive let's do this at the same time because I already seen the movie I I've been

1689
01:44:37.440 --> 01:44:43.440
doing like God is downloading things for you to work on in this season to kind of learning

1690
01:44:44.000 --> 01:44:48.240
and that's that preparation period so you're hibernating that's saying like I think you're

1691
01:44:48.240 --> 01:44:54.640
recognizing like you are hibernating you're in this season you're about to transition into it

1692
01:44:54.640 --> 01:44:59.120
embrace embrace this time cherish it

1693
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:03.720
but you can still be expectant and excited about it too.

1694
01:45:03.720 --> 01:45:05.280
I am, and so that's my question.

1695
01:45:05.280 --> 01:45:07.600
Like, I took a social media fast,

1696
01:45:07.600 --> 01:45:09.920
which has been probably some of this exponential stuff

1697
01:45:09.920 --> 01:45:12.100
of why I'm not wasting a lot of time.

1698
01:45:12.100 --> 01:45:13.320
I do wanna put boundaries on there,

1699
01:45:13.320 --> 01:45:14.720
so I'm gonna work on the Lord with that.

1700
01:45:14.720 --> 01:45:18.200
However, I feel like I need to put myself

1701
01:45:18.200 --> 01:45:19.420
on the Facebook dating app,

1702
01:45:19.420 --> 01:45:20.440
and now that I'm praying about it,

1703
01:45:20.440 --> 01:45:21.680
I might consider a Christian app.

1704
01:45:21.680 --> 01:45:23.820
I've never done it, so I might do Salt.

1705
01:45:23.820 --> 01:45:25.960
Those are the only two I'm gonna do, that or Bumble.

1706
01:45:25.960 --> 01:45:27.580
With that though, Carla,

1707
01:45:28.580 --> 01:45:29.980
I don't know if I should just do it,

1708
01:45:29.980 --> 01:45:31.500
show you guys, put it out there,

1709
01:45:31.500 --> 01:45:33.940
and then let it sit for a minute,

1710
01:45:33.940 --> 01:45:36.840
because I wanna do that,

1711
01:45:36.840 --> 01:45:39.020
but I don't know if I should be focusing.

1712
01:45:39.020 --> 01:45:40.540
Maybe that's the prepping to see,

1713
01:45:40.540 --> 01:45:42.420
hey, there are some hits there with some guys,

1714
01:45:42.420 --> 01:45:43.260
and if they're patient-

1715
01:45:43.260 --> 01:45:44.080
Put boundaries up.

1716
01:45:44.080 --> 01:45:45.940
You can put the boundaries up.

1717
01:45:45.940 --> 01:45:46.780
Okay.

1718
01:45:46.780 --> 01:45:48.340
You can put boundaries up,

1719
01:45:48.340 --> 01:45:49.660
because like I love how you're saying,

1720
01:45:49.660 --> 01:45:51.020
you took a social media fast,

1721
01:45:51.020 --> 01:45:53.380
so now when you incorporate that back in,

1722
01:45:53.380 --> 01:45:54.960
I really do want you to focus on

1723
01:45:54.960 --> 01:45:56.740
don't get overwhelmed with it.

1724
01:45:56.740 --> 01:45:59.220
Ladies, when you start online dating,

1725
01:45:59.220 --> 01:46:01.340
it can get very overwhelming,

1726
01:46:01.340 --> 01:46:05.860
and if you are like me, and it gets overwhelming,

1727
01:46:05.860 --> 01:46:08.080
the best way to not overwhelm yourself

1728
01:46:08.080 --> 01:46:10.580
is put restrictions on yourself.

1729
01:46:10.580 --> 01:46:14.660
I'm only going to get on for one hour

1730
01:46:14.660 --> 01:46:18.360
between nine and 10 to swipe.

1731
01:46:18.360 --> 01:46:19.200
Okay.

1732
01:46:19.200 --> 01:46:20.940
Because my kids are in bed.

1733
01:46:20.940 --> 01:46:21.780
Yes.

1734
01:46:21.780 --> 01:46:26.620
And then on Friday night and Saturday morning

1735
01:46:27.460 --> 01:46:29.300
is when I'm going to respond to people.

1736
01:46:29.300 --> 01:46:33.980
Like you, and you get to work that in on your schedule

1737
01:46:33.980 --> 01:46:35.900
on what works for you.

1738
01:46:35.900 --> 01:46:40.180
I will say pencil it into your schedule,

1739
01:46:40.180 --> 01:46:42.620
and do not give yourself-

1740
01:46:42.620 --> 01:46:43.460
Diversify.

1741
01:46:43.460 --> 01:46:44.280
Yeah.

1742
01:46:44.280 --> 01:46:46.660
Don't say, oh, I guess I'm going to do it now.

1743
01:46:46.660 --> 01:46:48.040
Because you're on this,

1744
01:46:48.040 --> 01:46:50.920
because you've coming off of a fast,

1745
01:46:50.920 --> 01:46:52.540
of having to fast something like that,

1746
01:46:52.540 --> 01:46:54.820
I think if you can keep that mindset,

1747
01:46:54.820 --> 01:46:56.540
I think then you're going to transition to that,

1748
01:46:57.300 --> 01:46:59.860
and again, just because you're on it

1749
01:46:59.860 --> 01:47:02.920
doesn't mean you have to utilize it.

1750
01:47:02.920 --> 01:47:03.760
It's okay.

1751
01:47:03.760 --> 01:47:05.260
As long as you remind yourself,

1752
01:47:05.260 --> 01:47:07.680
you don't have to have this fear of missing out.

1753
01:47:07.680 --> 01:47:10.820
If a guy messages you and you just decide,

1754
01:47:10.820 --> 01:47:12.580
and you see it like three weeks later,

1755
01:47:12.580 --> 01:47:14.180
oh no, I missed my opportunity.

1756
01:47:14.180 --> 01:47:16.540
No, if that starts creeping in,

1757
01:47:16.540 --> 01:47:19.280
you're going to tell yourself that's a lie.

1758
01:47:19.280 --> 01:47:21.260
We're going to crush that.

1759
01:47:21.260 --> 01:47:23.300
You're not going to miss out on anything.

1760
01:47:23.300 --> 01:47:25.020
I'm actually going to prompt you ladies,

1761
01:47:25.020 --> 01:47:26.020
I'm going to probably share it now,

1762
01:47:26.500 --> 01:47:28.740
and then I'm going to take Mika and Mikayla.

1763
01:47:28.740 --> 01:47:32.780
Your activation, I know a lot of people jumped off,

1764
01:47:32.780 --> 01:47:33.980
but we'll post it in the thing.

1765
01:47:33.980 --> 01:47:36.140
I want you ladies to,

1766
01:47:37.300 --> 01:47:39.580
I want you to celebrate a space,

1767
01:47:39.580 --> 01:47:42.540
to celebrate, be seen, and prepare your hearts to dating.

1768
01:47:42.540 --> 01:47:44.660
I want you to be able to do it together.

1769
01:47:44.660 --> 01:47:45.500
Okay?

1770
01:47:45.500 --> 01:47:48.020
So whether you are actively online dating,

1771
01:47:48.020 --> 01:47:49.420
or you're considering,

1772
01:47:49.420 --> 01:47:52.900
or you're preparing yourself for that season, okay?

1773
01:47:52.900 --> 01:47:55.660
I want you to kind of introduce yourself to our community

1774
01:47:56.420 --> 01:47:57.260
as if you are,

1775
01:47:57.260 --> 01:48:00.420
so if you want to share like your profile,

1776
01:48:00.420 --> 01:48:04.620
to introduce us to who you are, okay?

1777
01:48:04.620 --> 01:48:05.940
Post your picture.

1778
01:48:05.940 --> 01:48:08.460
So this is just an invitation that you're

1779
01:48:08.460 --> 01:48:12.380
like literally sharing one post in the community today.

1780
01:48:12.380 --> 01:48:13.700
If you don't do anything else,

1781
01:48:13.700 --> 01:48:15.660
at least share this one post.

1782
01:48:15.660 --> 01:48:16.860
I mean, I want all the posts.

1783
01:48:16.860 --> 01:48:19.220
I want all your details ladies.

1784
01:48:19.220 --> 01:48:22.660
But I know some ladies are a little more like quiet.

1785
01:48:22.660 --> 01:48:23.500
I get it.

1786
01:48:23.860 --> 01:48:26.820
Some things that I want you to include,

1787
01:48:26.820 --> 01:48:30.460
and remember, there's no right or wrong way to do this.

1788
01:48:30.460 --> 01:48:33.300
I want you to include a current photo of yourself,

1789
01:48:33.300 --> 01:48:35.100
something that you'll probably use

1790
01:48:35.100 --> 01:48:39.940
if and when you're online dating, like for a profile.

1791
01:48:39.940 --> 01:48:43.100
I want you to tell us where you live,

1792
01:48:43.100 --> 01:48:45.260
what city and state, okay?

1793
01:48:46.260 --> 01:48:48.900
And then whether or not you're open to relocating.

1794
01:48:48.900 --> 01:48:50.860
We're going to do something with this, okay?

1795
01:48:50.860 --> 01:48:52.300
Some fun facts about yourself.

1796
01:48:52.300 --> 01:48:53.220
Let us know who you are.

1797
01:48:53.940 --> 01:48:55.420
Like something light, human, joyful.

1798
01:48:55.420 --> 01:48:57.020
Like just give us an idea of who you are.

1799
01:48:57.020 --> 01:48:59.980
It doesn't have to be a book, just a couple of things.

1800
01:48:59.980 --> 01:49:02.180
Things that you really enjoy.

1801
01:49:02.180 --> 01:49:03.100
How do you relax?

1802
01:49:03.100 --> 01:49:05.220
What fills your cup?

1803
01:49:05.220 --> 01:49:08.820
You might want to share like a couple words

1804
01:49:08.820 --> 01:49:11.300
that maybe even a close friend would describe you,

1805
01:49:11.300 --> 01:49:12.340
how they would describe you.

1806
01:49:12.340 --> 01:49:13.220
I went to my friends.

1807
01:49:13.220 --> 01:49:14.700
I'm like, okay, give me three words

1808
01:49:14.700 --> 01:49:16.500
that you would use to describe me.

1809
01:49:16.500 --> 01:49:20.380
And I used those to put into my online dating profile.

1810
01:49:20.420 --> 01:49:22.020
Usually friends.

1811
01:49:22.020 --> 01:49:25.660
If you want to utilize that for this activity.

1812
01:49:25.660 --> 01:49:27.660
And then just share with us, like,

1813
01:49:27.660 --> 01:49:29.860
what are you attracted to?

1814
01:49:29.860 --> 01:49:31.140
What are you looking for?

1815
01:49:31.140 --> 01:49:33.180
What attracts you to something?

1816
01:49:33.180 --> 01:49:35.900
What are those qualities and characteristics

1817
01:49:35.900 --> 01:49:38.020
that you're looking for?

1818
01:49:38.020 --> 01:49:41.340
Remember, we're going to keep it positive, okay?

1819
01:49:41.340 --> 01:49:42.460
And if you want to share something

1820
01:49:42.460 --> 01:49:45.380
that you know you're excited about or praying about,

1821
01:49:45.380 --> 01:49:46.660
share that with us.

1822
01:49:46.660 --> 01:49:49.980
So it's kind of like an introductory post,

1823
01:49:50.460 --> 01:49:52.660
what you would probably put on an online profile.

1824
01:49:52.660 --> 01:49:55.060
Or if you want to share your online profile,

1825
01:49:55.060 --> 01:49:56.420
we want to see who you are.

1826
01:49:56.420 --> 01:49:59.900
This is coming out of hiding here in our community.

1827
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:04.320
okay for those of you ladies that are on online and this is not going to be

1828
01:50:04.320 --> 01:50:09.640
difficult for you my ladies that are still like uncertain about this whole

1829
01:50:09.640 --> 01:50:14.080
online dating this is a air this is a space for you to it doesn't feel as

1830
01:50:14.080 --> 01:50:19.360
threatening because then this is what I want y'all to do I want y'all going in

1831
01:50:19.360 --> 01:50:26.360
and I want you commenting on each other's post I want you to engage with

1832
01:50:26.360 --> 01:50:31.280
some kindness and encouragement I want you complimenting each other speaking

1833
01:50:31.280 --> 01:50:36.400
life and affirmation over each other pray over what you're reading about

1834
01:50:36.400 --> 01:50:42.400
them and then I want you to be asking yourself about what you are seeing your

1835
01:50:42.400 --> 01:50:48.240
sister post do I know somebody that might be a good fit for her we're gonna

1836
01:50:48.240 --> 01:50:50.960
incorporate this community-based matchmaking that's why I want to know

1837
01:50:50.960 --> 01:50:56.760
what city and state you live in because you might know someone where they live

1838
01:50:56.760 --> 01:51:02.800
and you don't know who God's gonna highlight y'all one of the sisters in my

1839
01:51:02.800 --> 01:51:08.960
community is the reason why that I married the man that I married she

1840
01:51:08.960 --> 01:51:13.960
didn't know him she just saw him on a like a Facebook group Christian Facebook

1841
01:51:13.960 --> 01:51:18.280
singles group and she's like oh look at this guy like read his thing she's like

1842
01:51:18.280 --> 01:51:22.800
that seems like a guy that car like that that would be a good fit for Carla

1843
01:51:22.800 --> 01:51:27.440
she's screenshot all of his information she sent it to me it's like hey what do

1844
01:51:27.440 --> 01:51:31.520
you think about this guy she commented on his post like you need it you need to

1845
01:51:31.520 --> 01:51:36.000
meet my friend Carla he thought it was weird then there were other women that

1846
01:51:36.000 --> 01:51:39.760
were in this community that was also in that community then chime in and oh

1847
01:51:39.760 --> 01:51:48.200
Carla's great oh yeah he reached out to me I thought he lived closer to me he

1848
01:51:48.200 --> 01:51:54.880
lived in Texas not Florida so she was she was looking out for me so that's

1849
01:51:54.880 --> 01:52:01.640
what I want you ladies doing in here this week so maybe you're not ready to

1850
01:52:01.640 --> 01:52:05.240
go online but you know what maybe one of your sisters in here has a match for you

1851
01:52:05.240 --> 01:52:11.560
you don't know she might see it now and then six months down the road she might

1852
01:52:11.560 --> 01:52:18.320
oh my gosh like I remember Callie and you know she lived in this area and I

1853
01:52:18.320 --> 01:52:22.560
just met I think this guy would be great for her I need to connect with her I

1854
01:52:22.560 --> 01:52:27.360
need to see she'd be interested in meeting this guy or you know what Gail

1855
01:52:27.360 --> 01:52:34.640
I Gail is in oh I know where she lives she lives in New York okay I I know

1856
01:52:34.640 --> 01:52:38.400
somebody there or someone just brought that up to my attention I just heard

1857
01:52:38.400 --> 01:52:43.560
about somebody I'm gonna go see if she's if she's single still maybe she's single

1858
01:52:43.560 --> 01:52:48.960
and then you reach out to Gail and be like Gail are you still single if you are what do

1859
01:52:48.960 --> 01:52:55.480
you think about this guy what are your thoughts you see what I'm saying I want

1860
01:52:55.480 --> 01:53:00.520
you ladies practicing that this week okay I will put the like instructions in

1861
01:53:00.520 --> 01:53:03.680
myself or Ebony will put the instructions in there for you ladies to

1862
01:53:03.680 --> 01:53:08.400
be able to kind of get the details on but there's no right or wrong way but

1863
01:53:08.400 --> 01:53:13.040
just practice presenting yourself introducing yourself practice those

1864
01:53:13.040 --> 01:53:19.040
profiles like speaking life over yourself so I think it's a great idea

1865
01:53:19.040 --> 01:53:25.480
row that you you can open the door and decide if you want to try one doesn't

1866
01:53:25.480 --> 01:53:29.640
have to be a paid one right away and you just set some boundaries on it like I'm

1867
01:53:29.640 --> 01:53:33.600
only gonna get on this twice a week on this day in this day for this many hours

1868
01:53:33.600 --> 01:53:39.840
you set a timer your mom you know I know you know what timers are cuz I use

1869
01:53:39.840 --> 01:53:43.440
them my kids I have to be like do y'all need to set a timer cuz you can't look

1870
01:53:43.440 --> 01:53:49.840
at the clock I'm gonna set a timer for you so set a timer for yourself okay I'm

1871
01:53:49.840 --> 01:53:53.320
gonna give myself an hour and when that dinger goes off I'm getting off the app

1872
01:53:53.320 --> 01:54:00.080
then we'll go spend some intentional time with my kids so how's that sound

1873
01:54:00.080 --> 01:54:07.360
good awesome all right Mikayla jump in and then I'm going to take Mika

1874
01:54:08.920 --> 01:54:18.040
so just a quick question on so it's kind of about a particular situation but it's

1875
01:54:18.040 --> 01:54:23.080
kind of a larger question that I have for myself you know I've been dating and

1876
01:54:23.080 --> 01:54:28.080
I think we've been chatting in the app about this particular guy and we've been

1877
01:54:28.080 --> 01:54:34.920
on four dates and some of it's just kind of this larger theme sometimes

1878
01:54:34.920 --> 01:54:40.920
within myself of like sometimes being on dates and not really feeling like a

1879
01:54:40.920 --> 01:54:46.040
great connection with a person or sometimes there's been guys that I have

1880
01:54:46.040 --> 01:54:50.880
had great connections with that then just like don't work out you know like

1881
01:54:50.880 --> 01:54:56.160
yeah they're very talkative very chatty we seem to connect right this is the guy

1882
01:54:56.160 --> 01:55:01.920
that like the conversation just doesn't seem to be slow that's

1883
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:04.240
Okay. That's what I, I, I had a feeling. That's what it was. I was just making sure that I was

1884
01:55:04.240 --> 01:55:11.040
on the same page. Okay. So it's kind of hard for me sometimes to gauge what really is a great

1885
01:55:11.040 --> 01:55:15.760
connection sometimes. Cause I've also had guys that like, they're hilarious and you, I could

1886
01:55:15.760 --> 01:55:22.080
talk to them for six hours and sometimes I have, and then six weeks later they're like, you know,

1887
01:55:22.080 --> 01:55:27.760
I'm not ready to date or I don't want to move or whatever. So it's, so I have this question for

1888
01:55:27.760 --> 01:55:34.560
myself of, you know, when I'm not feeling a connection with someone or if I just feel like,

1889
01:55:34.560 --> 01:55:41.760
I'm not sure if this is working out, like how long do I kind of persist versus kind of just

1890
01:55:41.760 --> 01:55:48.800
trusting with knowing or kind of trusting within myself, like your own intuition of like, I just

1891
01:55:48.800 --> 01:55:55.040
don't think this is the right connection or kind of like that own internal view of like, well,

1892
01:55:55.040 --> 01:56:00.480
I just feel bored. And so I just want to move on. So does that make sense when I'm saying like,

1893
01:56:00.480 --> 01:56:03.200
what's the difference between your own? That does make sense. Cause you've been on four

1894
01:56:03.200 --> 01:56:08.560
in-person dates. Yes. Yeah. And so how long has this stretched? Like it's been over a month.

1895
01:56:08.560 --> 01:56:13.680
It's been since like the end of December. So like a month. So yeah, it's yeah. So you're,

1896
01:56:13.680 --> 01:56:18.240
you're looking at probably five to six weeks. So you, you've gotten to know him at some point.

1897
01:56:18.800 --> 01:56:25.280
Is he, is I'm curious, does he engage in conversation? Does he initiate conversation?

1898
01:56:26.640 --> 01:56:34.160
He does. He does. The first couple of dates it, he was pretty quiet. I would have to kind of just

1899
01:56:34.160 --> 01:56:40.800
get quiet and then he would eventually interject. He does text me, but it's very,

1900
01:56:40.800 --> 01:56:44.800
sometimes it's just in the evening. Maybe we exchange a handful of texts every day,

1901
01:56:45.440 --> 01:56:50.400
even like today he hasn't messaged me. And I've tried to even like sometimes message him first.

1902
01:56:51.200 --> 01:56:55.760
I've tried to be very, you know, sometimes I can be a little bit closed, not closed off,

1903
01:56:55.760 --> 01:56:59.440
but I'm always unsure. Like I'm unsure of everybody. I'm the one that doesn't really

1904
01:56:59.440 --> 01:57:08.480
attach right away. I'm the one that like, so, you know, that's just me. So I've been trying

1905
01:57:08.480 --> 01:57:13.040
to be more warm, more friendly and not, and not just flirty, but just friendly. And not that I'm

1906
01:57:13.040 --> 01:57:18.400
not a friendly person, but with guys, I just tend to be reserved. So, and I just kind of feel like,

1907
01:57:18.400 --> 01:57:23.360
I don't know. It just feels like, I feel like interpersonally, we're not connecting, even though

1908
01:57:23.360 --> 01:57:32.000
he kind of seems to like me, but it's still just feels like he's initiated all the dates and planned

1909
01:57:32.000 --> 01:57:37.120
pretty much all of them. Okay. Well, that's, that's a good sign. Okay. Since you've been on

1910
01:57:37.120 --> 01:57:43.120
four dates now, I mean, have you had, have you guys started diving into some more in-depth

1911
01:57:43.120 --> 01:57:47.760
conversation? This would, this would be where it's appropriate. Now you're, you're getting to know him

1912
01:57:47.760 --> 01:57:52.320
maybe now a little bit more on a deeper level to see, is there any potential of this kind of

1913
01:57:53.040 --> 01:58:02.400
progressing? Or you can ask him like, so where do you see things going in your life in the next

1914
01:58:02.400 --> 01:58:07.040
year? Like, what are you, what are you praying about? Like, what are you dreaming for? What are

1915
01:58:07.040 --> 01:58:12.480
you praying about? You know, praying to God for like, what are things that are important to you

1916
01:58:12.480 --> 01:58:20.320
right now? Like get him kind of maybe talking about that and kind of seeing where he lands

1917
01:58:20.320 --> 01:58:24.960
to see if that opens the door to have a conversation or where it invites you where

1918
01:58:24.960 --> 01:58:30.400
you're like, yeah, like I'm in this, you know, this pro like I'm in this group right now,

1919
01:58:30.400 --> 01:58:35.040
you know, I've been preparing my heart and you know, I know God's got marriage for me down, down

1920
01:58:35.040 --> 01:58:40.080
the road. And so I'm just been open to getting to know people. And, you know, I, I like to think

1921
01:58:40.080 --> 01:58:46.160
within the next year, I'd be in a, in a exclusive relationship with somebody. You see how it's kind

1922
01:58:46.160 --> 01:58:51.520
of like, you're kind of like, that's where sometimes like you do have to pull that out.

1923
01:58:51.520 --> 01:58:58.320
Now, ladies, again, I wouldn't say, let's go have that conversation with all men. This is a guy that

1924
01:58:58.320 --> 01:59:02.640
we're, we're trying to like figure out a little more. We're going to, we're going to try to see

1925
01:59:02.640 --> 01:59:08.400
what we can pull out. Cause she's a little shy. It sounds like he's a little shy. So we might have

1926
01:59:08.400 --> 01:59:13.520
to kind of nudge a little more like, this isn't something I'd be like, ladies go and ask this,

1927
01:59:13.520 --> 01:59:19.200
like you on date number two that you asking a guy to, Hey, are you looking to get married in

1928
01:59:19.200 --> 01:59:23.840
the future? Like we're not doing that right away. All right. But she's, she's been dating this guy

1929
01:59:23.840 --> 01:59:30.560
for well over four weeks, a little over a month, four dates. He's initiating things,

1930
01:59:31.680 --> 01:59:38.160
but he's not really doing any forward motion here besides it's just being dates.

1931
01:59:39.360 --> 01:59:44.400
Like, is he, I mean, y'all getting to know each other a little more in depth.

1932
01:59:46.080 --> 01:59:51.040
Coming along. I felt like I tried to ask not super pointed questions, but I was trying to

1933
01:59:51.040 --> 01:59:55.920
ask meaningful questions, like on our second date, like nothing like about our relationship

1934
01:59:55.920 --> 01:59:59.840
or whatever. But, and sometimes I felt like I was almost like pulled.

1935
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:05.080
things out of him. So then I backed off and I just was like, I'll just let him share what

1936
02:00:05.080 --> 02:00:10.800
he wants to share. And then the third day, you know, it kind of got better by the end.

1937
02:00:10.800 --> 02:00:15.400
And he did talk more and share more. I remember you shared that. And then did it kind of go

1938
02:00:15.400 --> 02:00:21.440
back by the fourth date kind of felt like it. The fourth day, it kind of felt like,

1939
02:00:21.440 --> 02:00:24.560
you know, we were around a lot of people, we were like in a busy restaurant, then we're

1940
02:00:24.560 --> 02:00:28.360
at bowling alley. So I didn't want to feel like I was putting him on the spot. And like

1941
02:00:28.360 --> 02:00:32.640
people being an earshot of like, well, tell me about what you believe about this or what

1942
02:00:32.640 --> 02:00:38.640
you believe about that, you know. And so I didn't want to ask like, really deep questions,

1943
02:00:38.640 --> 02:00:45.160
just because we were around people on an active date. So that means yes, that's good. So we

1944
02:00:45.160 --> 02:00:49.680
had said, you know, talking about maybe trying, I tried to communicate like, well, hey, like,

1945
02:00:49.680 --> 02:00:53.520
what if we like, how like, he was asking me, like, how much do you want to talk? How much

1946
02:00:53.520 --> 02:00:57.840
do you want to text? Like, how much do you want to go out? So I kind of shared, you know,

1947
02:00:57.840 --> 02:01:02.160
I would be okay going out like once or twice a week, I said, I just feel like I'm to the

1948
02:01:02.160 --> 02:01:06.120
point where if I want to, I want to get to know somebody, I don't just want to waste

1949
02:01:06.120 --> 02:01:09.560
your time. Like I either want to intentionally get to know you, like, either this is going

1950
02:01:09.560 --> 02:01:13.760
to work, or maybe, you know, we need to invest time otherwise. So he's like, well, once a

1951
02:01:13.760 --> 02:01:17.640
week would work for me. And he said, What if we called a couple times on the phone during

1952
02:01:17.640 --> 02:01:22.240
the week, and we had some of those more intentional conversations? I was like, Oh, okay, well,

1953
02:01:22.240 --> 02:01:27.000
that would be great. So that was last Friday. Okay, but there's never been on the fourth

1954
02:01:27.000 --> 02:01:32.240
day. Okay, yes. But there's never been any revisiting that, like in our text messages,

1955
02:01:32.240 --> 02:01:35.720
you wouldn't revisit that right now. But I would say like, in a couple weeks, you could

1956
02:01:35.720 --> 02:01:40.880
say, Hey, you know, when we had that conversation? Where do you see this now? Like, where? I

1957
02:01:40.880 --> 02:01:44.960
mean, are we wanting to kick this up a notch? Do you want to start trying to get to know

1958
02:01:44.960 --> 02:01:50.320
each other more frequently? I mean, this is that that time where you're like, are you

1959
02:01:50.320 --> 02:01:56.800
going to start introducing each other to y'all's communities? Like, y'all do group

1960
02:01:56.800 --> 02:02:00.920
dates where Hey, my friends and I are going to go do this. Why don't you come along and

1961
02:02:00.920 --> 02:02:05.760
bring some of your friends like you see how you're gonna start now kind of doing life

1962
02:02:05.760 --> 02:02:12.400
together to see how y'all how your circles intertwined? Does that make sense? Which honestly,

1963
02:02:12.400 --> 02:02:19.800
like, I live an hour and a half away. So yeah, that's kind of challenging to does he show

1964
02:02:19.800 --> 02:02:24.720
up like this when he's around his own friend? Like, do you know anything about his his circle?

1965
02:02:24.720 --> 02:02:30.000
Does he talk about his friendships? And what does he do in his free time? Have you learned

1966
02:02:30.000 --> 02:02:35.400
any of that? He talks about his family. He's not really talked a lot in depth about friends.

1967
02:02:35.400 --> 02:02:44.360
So tell me about like, you're so when you're not going on a date with me once a week. Yeah.

1968
02:02:44.360 --> 02:02:50.760
What other things do you do? Like, are you hanging out with friends? What kinds of things

1969
02:02:50.760 --> 02:02:59.120
do you do? Like, drop that there. See if that kind of opens them up a little bit. Um, again,

1970
02:02:59.120 --> 02:03:05.160
I mean, are you dating other people? Are you still like not I kind of had several that

1971
02:03:05.160 --> 02:03:10.920
I was going out on dates with and I kind of just got exhausted. And so he was like the

1972
02:03:10.920 --> 02:03:15.360
last one and the other ones kind of faded away. So I was like, well, I'll kind of see

1973
02:03:15.360 --> 02:03:20.280
how this goes with this guy. But how do you feel about kind of jumping back in and seeing

1974
02:03:20.280 --> 02:03:25.520
if you can introduce the new couple people to see if I've kind of thought about that

1975
02:03:25.520 --> 02:03:30.120
I would that would be my suggestion. Because again, I you never really know I wouldn't

1976
02:03:30.120 --> 02:03:35.840
say you again, it's a yes until to know it doesn't sound like it's a complete no. He

1977
02:03:35.880 --> 02:03:44.680
just might be really slow to get to know. Um, so who knows? Um, I mean, if you're enjoying

1978
02:03:44.680 --> 02:03:49.800
the time with him, again, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's not like y'all are leading

1979
02:03:49.800 --> 02:03:56.000
each other on in any certain way. I would just I would start incorporating, get yourself

1980
02:03:56.000 --> 02:04:04.120
back out there, see if there's anybody else that you can, you know, be introduced to get

1981
02:04:04.120 --> 02:04:14.800
to know because then eventually that might he might fizzle out. Or it might have him

1982
02:04:14.800 --> 02:04:22.120
rise to the occasion. Who knows? Um, again, that this, this is that tricky one. Because

1983
02:04:22.120 --> 02:04:26.320
again, personalities, you're still just trying to get to know. But I would say because you

1984
02:04:26.320 --> 02:04:32.040
guys have been getting to know each other for over a month, and you've had four dates,

1985
02:04:32.040 --> 02:04:39.400
it's okay to kind of ask some deeper questions and prompt some more of those types of questions.

1986
02:04:39.400 --> 02:04:43.440
We just don't want you asking those questions in the first like two or three days. You know,

1987
02:04:43.440 --> 02:04:47.840
as you're getting to know, like you need to know a little bit more details, you're going

1988
02:04:47.840 --> 02:04:53.960
to want to start incorporating family, seeing where they're at long term. You know, is this

1989
02:04:53.960 --> 02:04:57.960
Do I continue to stay in this? If someone

1990
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:03.380
doesn't even want to get married in the next five years.

1991
02:05:03.380 --> 02:05:07.460
Like, you know, those are questions again,

1992
02:05:07.460 --> 02:05:09.980
like you want those organically to come up.

1993
02:05:09.980 --> 02:05:12.060
So again, it's just finding subtle ways to do that.

1994
02:05:12.060 --> 02:05:17.060
But it sounds like he's pretty shy, a little closed off.

1995
02:05:18.460 --> 02:05:21.460
That's almost the sense I get is almost kind of like,

1996
02:05:21.460 --> 02:05:23.940
I don't want to say like a sadness about him,

1997
02:05:23.940 --> 02:05:27.780
but almost like a reservedness that doesn't always seem,

1998
02:05:28.720 --> 02:05:31.160
I don't know, it almost seems a little, maybe,

1999
02:05:31.160 --> 02:05:32.000
I don't know.

2000
02:05:32.000 --> 02:05:34.200
I mean, I don't want to project that onto him,

2001
02:05:34.200 --> 02:05:35.040
but it's just-

2002
02:05:35.040 --> 02:05:36.360
Yeah, I mean, and you don't, you don't know,

2003
02:05:36.360 --> 02:05:37.200
and you just get out of the relationship.

2004
02:05:37.200 --> 02:05:39.400
He's very quiet, you know?

2005
02:05:39.400 --> 02:05:42.680
Heartbroken, like, you don't know.

2006
02:05:42.680 --> 02:05:43.520
And then again,

2007
02:05:43.520 --> 02:05:46.220
you're not going to dive into those questions either,

2008
02:05:48.240 --> 02:05:50.880
but you are going to want to start seeing

2009
02:05:50.880 --> 02:05:53.480
that there is some interest on his part.

2010
02:05:53.480 --> 02:05:57.620
But like I said, it's good that he's asking for dates.

2011
02:05:58.620 --> 02:05:59.600
And he's setting those up.

2012
02:05:59.600 --> 02:06:00.720
Well, he got me flowers,

2013
02:06:00.720 --> 02:06:04.320
and then he kissed me on the one date, which I was like,

2014
02:06:04.320 --> 02:06:07.680
I was like, and I just, I just was like, I don't know.

2015
02:06:07.680 --> 02:06:10.040
I really didn't feel, or I mean, I just,

2016
02:06:10.040 --> 02:06:11.100
it just kind of happened.

2017
02:06:11.100 --> 02:06:11.940
And I was like-

2018
02:06:11.940 --> 02:06:12.960
That was on the fourth date.

2019
02:06:12.960 --> 02:06:14.840
That was on the third date.

2020
02:06:14.840 --> 02:06:16.400
Did he try to kiss you on the fourth date?

2021
02:06:16.400 --> 02:06:18.240
No, because I talked to him about it,

2022
02:06:18.240 --> 02:06:19.800
and I said, about the kissing thing.

2023
02:06:19.800 --> 02:06:22.120
And so we talked about it, and he was like-

2024
02:06:22.120 --> 02:06:24.640
That could also be why he's a little guarded too,

2025
02:06:24.640 --> 02:06:29.220
because he could have been getting the courage,

2026
02:06:29.220 --> 02:06:30.300
and then all of a sudden he's like,

2027
02:06:30.300 --> 02:06:32.900
uh-oh, I made a mistake again.

2028
02:06:32.900 --> 02:06:37.140
So I think I'm going to ask you to pray a little bit

2029
02:06:37.140 --> 02:06:42.140
into the courage and comfortability that you have

2030
02:06:42.340 --> 02:06:46.100
with communicating and being bold in conversation with him.

2031
02:06:46.940 --> 02:06:48.740
Being able to, again, so ladies,

2032
02:06:48.740 --> 02:06:51.720
sometimes you are going to have to really

2033
02:06:51.720 --> 02:06:54.240
be bold with some men, okay?

2034
02:06:54.740 --> 02:06:58.300
I don't typically like to encourage you ladies to lead this.

2035
02:06:58.300 --> 02:07:00.780
For some men, they need the nudging,

2036
02:07:00.780 --> 02:07:03.180
but that does not mean you take it over, okay?

2037
02:07:03.180 --> 02:07:06.300
We're not setting that tone for the relationship,

2038
02:07:06.300 --> 02:07:08.180
if there is a relationship.

2039
02:07:08.180 --> 02:07:11.540
I would encourage you to step in,

2040
02:07:11.540 --> 02:07:13.460
or step out of your comfort zone,

2041
02:07:13.460 --> 02:07:15.420
and be willing to kind of have,

2042
02:07:15.420 --> 02:07:19.300
ask some more bold, direct questions

2043
02:07:19.320 --> 02:07:24.320
in a clear, clarifying, confident, kind way.

2044
02:07:25.560 --> 02:07:27.080
There's ways of wording it,

2045
02:07:27.080 --> 02:07:30.160
and again, we can get on the app too,

2046
02:07:30.160 --> 02:07:34.260
and we can be getting some ideas generating too,

2047
02:07:34.260 --> 02:07:37.440
about what those questions could look like.

2048
02:07:37.440 --> 02:07:40.440
And I can get some feedback from Ebony too,

2049
02:07:40.440 --> 02:07:43.120
because she's really good at this stuff.

2050
02:07:43.120 --> 02:07:43.960
Sounds good?

2051
02:07:43.960 --> 02:07:44.780
That'd be great.

2052
02:07:44.780 --> 02:07:45.620
Yeah, that'd be awesome.

2053
02:07:45.620 --> 02:07:48.040
Ebony is so good about,

2054
02:07:48.040 --> 02:07:53.040
she's such a great communicator, especially in dating.

2055
02:07:53.260 --> 02:07:55.580
So let's get that in the app,

2056
02:07:55.580 --> 02:07:59.020
let's get that conversation going.

2057
02:07:59.020 --> 02:08:01.060
Could I initiate with him

2058
02:08:01.060 --> 02:08:04.580
to have one of these phone conversation?

2059
02:08:04.580 --> 02:08:06.580
I've kind of thought, well, he hasn't mentioned it,

2060
02:08:06.580 --> 02:08:08.940
we were supposed to talk this week.

2061
02:08:08.940 --> 02:08:10.300
We've been getting to know each other,

2062
02:08:10.300 --> 02:08:11.880
and I know we talked about, you know,

2063
02:08:11.880 --> 02:08:14.340
getting together once a week, and we can keep with that,

2064
02:08:14.340 --> 02:08:19.040
but what are your thoughts about, you know,

2065
02:08:19.040 --> 02:08:20.440
the pace of things?

2066
02:08:20.440 --> 02:08:22.180
Where do you feel?

2067
02:08:22.180 --> 02:08:24.000
Is this a good pace for you?

2068
02:08:24.000 --> 02:08:28.000
Ask him where he wants to see the pacing.

2069
02:08:28.000 --> 02:08:29.440
It's okay to ask him.

2070
02:08:30.840 --> 02:08:32.920
Like, yeah, I know we talked about this.

2071
02:08:32.920 --> 02:08:35.920
I did, and he kind of didn't know,

2072
02:08:35.920 --> 02:08:37.920
and so then I said,

2073
02:08:37.920 --> 02:08:39.640
I said once or twice a week is good for me,

2074
02:08:39.640 --> 02:08:41.960
and he said, well, what about once a week for meeting up?

2075
02:08:41.960 --> 02:08:44.460
Just because we live so far away and he has a dog.

2076
02:08:46.100 --> 02:08:46.940
So-

2077
02:08:46.940 --> 02:08:47.780
I mean, this is where I'm going to ask you,

2078
02:08:47.780 --> 02:08:49.740
like, how do you feel about getting really bold

2079
02:08:49.740 --> 02:08:50.900
with your questions?

2080
02:08:50.900 --> 02:08:53.760
Because I'm a really bold person.

2081
02:08:54.820 --> 02:08:57.380
So I might be giving you something that you're like,

2082
02:08:57.380 --> 02:08:59.980
I don't want to ask him that question.

2083
02:08:59.980 --> 02:09:02.900
If he says that, like, oh, I don't know,

2084
02:09:02.900 --> 02:09:05.220
and be like, okay.

2085
02:09:05.220 --> 02:09:06.540
I would just come out and be like,

2086
02:09:06.540 --> 02:09:07.820
is there a reason for that?

2087
02:09:07.820 --> 02:09:09.380
Like, do I make you nervous?

2088
02:09:10.280 --> 02:09:14.600
Like, I would just be like, am I intimidating?

2089
02:09:14.600 --> 02:09:17.960
Like, I would just be very bold, be like, you know,

2090
02:09:17.960 --> 02:09:21.480
and say, I feel like there's times

2091
02:09:21.480 --> 02:09:23.320
that maybe you're just not very open with me.

2092
02:09:23.320 --> 02:09:26.240
Like, do I, am I, do I have an intimidating personality?

2093
02:09:26.240 --> 02:09:29.600
I've been told sometimes I can be very intimidating,

2094
02:09:29.600 --> 02:09:32.200
which that's actually, I had a male therapist told me,

2095
02:09:32.200 --> 02:09:35.760
he's like, men are probably intimidated by you.

2096
02:09:35.760 --> 02:09:38.800
I'm like, what do you mean by that?

2097
02:09:39.220 --> 02:09:40.340
So, I mean, that's what I'm saying.

2098
02:09:40.340 --> 02:09:42.260
Like, if he's kind of acting a certain way,

2099
02:09:42.260 --> 02:09:43.340
I'd just be like,

2100
02:09:43.340 --> 02:09:45.900
I noticed that you're really quiet around me.

2101
02:09:45.900 --> 02:09:47.620
Is there a reason for that?

2102
02:09:48.620 --> 02:09:49.580
That's true.

2103
02:09:49.580 --> 02:09:50.400
I mean-

2104
02:09:50.400 --> 02:09:51.240
Well, I told him, I told him,

2105
02:09:51.240 --> 02:09:53.060
I said, sometimes you're really quiet.

2106
02:09:53.060 --> 02:09:57.180
I said, and I don't, I don't know what that means sometimes.

2107
02:09:57.180 --> 02:10:00.060
And he talked about that a little bit, you know.

2108
02:10:00.000 --> 02:10:01.000
And what does he say?

2109
02:10:01.000 --> 02:10:03.920
Like, can you explain to me why you're so quiet around me?

2110
02:10:03.920 --> 02:10:05.840
It makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

2111
02:10:05.840 --> 02:10:08.120
And again, you can kind of have some flirty,

2112
02:10:08.120 --> 02:10:12.240
like girly banter with that.

2113
02:10:12.240 --> 02:10:17.240
So it doesn't feel like so like charged and interrogating.

2114
02:10:18.160 --> 02:10:19.560
Like it can be flirty.

2115
02:10:20.720 --> 02:10:22.600
I would try that on him and kind of see

2116
02:10:22.600 --> 02:10:25.440
if it kind of cracks open his little hard shell

2117
02:10:25.440 --> 02:10:27.080
a little bit.

2118
02:10:27.080 --> 02:10:29.560
It sounds like he just might be really nervous

2119
02:10:29.560 --> 02:10:31.800
around really pretty girls.

2120
02:10:31.800 --> 02:10:32.640
I don't know.

2121
02:10:34.160 --> 02:10:36.400
There's times I dated guys that were like that.

2122
02:10:36.400 --> 02:10:37.680
And I mean, it came out there.

2123
02:10:37.680 --> 02:10:41.400
They were like, I've just never dated anyone so beautiful.

2124
02:10:41.400 --> 02:10:43.280
And I'm like, okay.

2125
02:10:43.280 --> 02:10:45.160
Like I get with that.

2126
02:10:45.160 --> 02:10:46.840
Some men literally, they're like,

2127
02:10:46.840 --> 02:10:49.840
you are the most beautiful person I've ever dated.

2128
02:10:49.840 --> 02:10:52.200
And I'm like, oh, okay.

2129
02:10:52.200 --> 02:10:53.440
There's a shyness there.

2130
02:10:53.440 --> 02:10:54.760
There's a discomfort there.

2131
02:10:54.760 --> 02:10:56.880
So play around with it.

2132
02:10:56.920 --> 02:10:59.840
But I do want to encourage you, get back on the apps,

2133
02:10:59.840 --> 02:11:03.000
start getting and seeing what else is out there.

2134
02:11:03.000 --> 02:11:05.280
That way you're not spending all your time and energy

2135
02:11:05.280 --> 02:11:07.040
just focusing on this one.

2136
02:11:07.040 --> 02:11:10.800
Get your mind and entertained at something else

2137
02:11:10.800 --> 02:11:12.920
and see kind of where you feel with that.

2138
02:11:12.920 --> 02:11:17.560
And like I said, either he can rise to the occasion

2139
02:11:17.560 --> 02:11:19.760
or he might fizzle out altogether.

2140
02:11:21.040 --> 02:11:22.920
Keep us posted on that.

2141
02:11:22.920 --> 02:11:23.760
For sure.

2142
02:11:23.760 --> 02:11:24.600
Well, thank you.

2143
02:11:24.600 --> 02:11:25.440
That's great input.

2144
02:11:25.440 --> 02:11:26.280
Awesome.

2145
02:11:26.680 --> 02:11:29.400
All right, Mika, hey girl, how are you?

2146
02:11:29.400 --> 02:11:30.480
You're my last girl.

2147
02:11:30.480 --> 02:11:32.200
And I know I'm going way over.

2148
02:11:32.200 --> 02:11:33.480
Hey, I'm doing fine.

2149
02:11:33.480 --> 02:11:36.840
I'm going to get these teachings down a little bit shorter.

2150
02:11:38.120 --> 02:11:38.960
Okay.

2151
02:11:38.960 --> 02:11:43.800
So I've been in a video chat with a guy and he was asking,

2152
02:11:43.800 --> 02:11:46.440
so my question is how do I,

2153
02:11:46.440 --> 02:11:49.640
how do you respond when they ask about,

2154
02:11:49.640 --> 02:11:51.000
should I be redirecting?

2155
02:11:51.000 --> 02:11:52.240
Cause this has happened more than once

2156
02:11:52.240 --> 02:11:55.320
where a guy will ask if I live in a home

2157
02:11:55.320 --> 02:11:59.360
or an apartment, like where do I live?

2158
02:11:59.360 --> 02:12:01.880
Like either the first phone conversation

2159
02:12:01.880 --> 02:12:04.400
or the second phone conversation.

2160
02:12:04.400 --> 02:12:06.440
So like, I know that in general,

2161
02:12:06.440 --> 02:12:09.400
I tend to be a little bit more guarded like Fort Knox.

2162
02:12:09.400 --> 02:12:12.280
So I'm trying to like do a little bit of the opposite

2163
02:12:12.280 --> 02:12:14.480
of that and give people the benefit of the doubt.

2164
02:12:14.480 --> 02:12:18.120
So I'm not coming up so like a wall, like rigid.

2165
02:12:19.960 --> 02:12:23.320
But then this guy did need boundaries

2166
02:12:23.320 --> 02:12:24.560
cause talk about recovery.

2167
02:12:25.560 --> 02:12:29.640
He had just been, just finished recovery for like,

2168
02:12:29.640 --> 02:12:31.360
he's been a sober for one year

2169
02:12:31.360 --> 02:12:34.840
and he's like in this recovery support program thing,

2170
02:12:34.840 --> 02:12:36.440
which I respect.

2171
02:12:36.440 --> 02:12:39.200
But so I guess my question for you is,

2172
02:12:39.200 --> 02:12:43.040
and also I use, I don't use my actual name,

2173
02:12:43.040 --> 02:12:44.120
not even the first name.

2174
02:12:44.120 --> 02:12:47.840
I'll say Sunshine Lady for one as a screen name.

2175
02:12:47.840 --> 02:12:50.800
And then I'll use Lady Intercessor for another,

2176
02:12:51.800 --> 02:12:52.640
for the other.

2177
02:12:52.640 --> 02:12:56.640
And I kind of liked, I kind of been using it like a buffer

2178
02:12:56.640 --> 02:12:59.600
because it actually, what I found is it kind of draws,

2179
02:13:00.720 --> 02:13:02.600
you'll get guys that'll ask questions about like,

2180
02:13:02.600 --> 02:13:04.640
who also are interested in prayer

2181
02:13:04.640 --> 02:13:06.280
or I'll get someone that's, you know,

2182
02:13:06.280 --> 02:13:08.960
will ask me about joy or the joy of the Lord.

2183
02:13:08.960 --> 02:13:10.560
So it makes a good conversation starter,

2184
02:13:10.560 --> 02:13:12.560
but I thought maybe,

2185
02:13:12.560 --> 02:13:14.400
cause I'm getting like a mixed, right?

2186
02:13:14.400 --> 02:13:17.600
So I was thinking maybe because I'm putting up this wall

2187
02:13:17.600 --> 02:13:21.520
with my screen name, is that also,

2188
02:13:21.520 --> 02:13:25.120
am I getting the, am I setting up myself

2189
02:13:25.120 --> 02:13:28.040
for expecting that there needs to be a wall?

2190
02:13:28.040 --> 02:13:29.200
Does that make sense?

2191
02:13:29.200 --> 02:13:30.040
Like-

2192
02:13:30.040 --> 02:13:32.400
I'm gonna ask you this question first.

2193
02:13:33.920 --> 02:13:35.920
Why are you choosing not to use your name?

2194
02:13:35.920 --> 02:13:37.800
Like just your first name?

2195
02:13:37.800 --> 02:13:39.880
I've had my identity stolen before.

2196
02:13:39.880 --> 02:13:42.000
Like it was someone I was in a relationship with.

2197
02:13:42.000 --> 02:13:46.000
Like he put, his uncle put a whole utility bill

2198
02:13:46.000 --> 02:13:49.240
of $3,000 in my name when he was helping me move.

2199
02:13:49.240 --> 02:13:51.040
And some of the papers,

2200
02:13:51.040 --> 02:13:53.000
like was somehow in his car or something.

2201
02:13:53.000 --> 02:13:53.840
And he took his-

2202
02:13:53.840 --> 02:13:55.520
How long were you in that relationship for?

2203
02:13:55.520 --> 02:13:57.240
Oh, it was about, it was three years.

2204
02:13:57.240 --> 02:14:00.640
Three years, about 15 years ago.

2205
02:14:00.640 --> 02:14:01.920
Okay.

2206
02:14:01.920 --> 02:14:02.760
So-

2207
02:14:02.760 --> 02:14:06.440
I can understand that would kind of keep you guarded.

2208
02:14:06.440 --> 02:14:07.280
Yeah.

2209
02:14:07.280 --> 02:14:09.360
And then something else happened again with my car,

2210
02:14:09.360 --> 02:14:10.760
with one of my cards.

2211
02:14:10.760 --> 02:14:12.360
So this is why I'm asking you,

2212
02:14:12.360 --> 02:14:13.800
this is why I'm asking you this,

2213
02:14:13.800 --> 02:14:18.480
because is you putting your first name up,

2214
02:14:18.480 --> 02:14:22.080
just your first name on a dating profile,

2215
02:14:22.080 --> 02:14:25.040
is that gonna open you up to getting your identity stolen

2216
02:14:25.040 --> 02:14:26.880
if you just have your first name up?

2217
02:14:28.280 --> 02:14:30.120
No, not getting my identity stolen,

2218
02:14:30.120 --> 02:14:33.600
but I started thinking about like in terms of just privacy.

2219
02:14:33.600 --> 02:14:38.520
Like now, like if my clients see like my name

2220
02:14:38.520 --> 02:14:40.320
or if you're like Google searching for me

2221
02:14:40.320 --> 02:14:41.920
or something like that.

2222
02:14:41.920 --> 02:14:44.160
I think also just confidentiality.

2223
02:14:44.160 --> 02:14:45.400
Like I've had some awkward,

2224
02:14:45.400 --> 02:14:47.160
some semi-awkward situations too.

2225
02:14:47.800 --> 02:14:49.040
You do have a unique name.

2226
02:14:49.040 --> 02:14:51.800
So if you Google chat your name,

2227
02:14:51.800 --> 02:14:54.400
it's, you almost can't have like,

2228
02:14:54.400 --> 02:14:56.240
you almost don't need your last name.

2229
02:14:56.240 --> 02:14:57.640
Is that what you're kind of?

2230
02:14:58.560 --> 02:14:59.400
Yeah, like-

2231
02:14:59.400 --> 02:15:00.240
People can still probably search.

2232
02:15:00.000 --> 02:15:04.320
Do you have a nickname that's very similar to your name?

2233
02:15:07.760 --> 02:15:09.120
Or your middle, do you have a middle name?

2234
02:15:09.840 --> 02:15:11.600
My middle, my nickname is Sunshine.

2235
02:15:12.240 --> 02:15:13.280
That is, yeah.

2236
02:15:13.280 --> 02:15:15.280
So it's on, it's in my honest way.

2237
02:15:15.280 --> 02:15:16.480
My middle name is Jeanette.

2238
02:15:16.480 --> 02:15:17.760
My middle name is Jeanette.

2239
02:15:19.280 --> 02:15:21.680
Okay, do you use Jeanette for anything short?

2240
02:15:22.800 --> 02:15:23.040
Like.

2241
02:15:23.680 --> 02:15:24.960
No, that's, that's a good point.

2242
02:15:24.960 --> 02:15:26.080
Maybe I can use Jeanette.

2243
02:15:26.080 --> 02:15:29.440
Use that because then you're not kind of putting this cover.

2244
02:15:29.440 --> 02:15:31.600
The only reason I'm saying that is because.

2245
02:15:32.800 --> 02:15:34.960
If you're putting intercessor on there.

2246
02:15:34.960 --> 02:15:38.160
That's great because then people kind of see like you love the Lord.

2247
02:15:39.120 --> 02:15:42.800
But I also don't want you to open yourself to where the men are going to start talking

2248
02:15:42.800 --> 02:15:44.640
about the Lord and you're going to get like.

2249
02:15:45.600 --> 02:15:48.560
Thinking men can look out for that.

2250
02:15:48.560 --> 02:15:52.240
Ladies, if you put a lot of God stuff on your profiles.

2251
02:15:52.880 --> 02:15:53.840
Men will see that.

2252
02:15:53.840 --> 02:15:56.880
And again, I'm not saying that you need to go in there with this like.

2253
02:15:57.440 --> 02:15:58.400
Guard up or anything.

2254
02:15:58.400 --> 02:16:02.000
Because again, like, you're kind of like, you, you know that you have a Fort Knox.

2255
02:16:02.000 --> 02:16:03.840
So, you know, release that.

2256
02:16:03.840 --> 02:16:07.440
And again, that's why I'm asking you, like, you recognize that you're doing that.

2257
02:16:07.440 --> 02:16:10.480
That's why I asked him, like, well, let's, let's, let's unpack why you're not putting

2258
02:16:10.480 --> 02:16:11.440
your first name up there.

2259
02:16:12.160 --> 02:16:12.560
Yeah.

2260
02:16:12.560 --> 02:16:14.000
And that's, there's a fear there.

2261
02:16:14.960 --> 02:16:16.240
Yeah, I definitely want.

2262
02:16:16.240 --> 02:16:18.480
Yeah, with the job and also my job too.

2263
02:16:18.480 --> 02:16:21.280
Like, I definitely don't want those two to that.

2264
02:16:21.280 --> 02:16:23.840
So I want to start with maybe your middle name.

2265
02:16:24.560 --> 02:16:25.120
Okay.

2266
02:16:25.120 --> 02:16:26.080
Middle name up there.

2267
02:16:26.880 --> 02:16:31.840
And again, if they, and again, you can even share with people.

2268
02:16:31.840 --> 02:16:39.120
I don't put my name up there because I've had my identity stolen before.

2269
02:16:40.719 --> 02:16:45.040
If they ask you, you can say, Hey, this isn't my, this is my middle name.

2270
02:16:45.040 --> 02:16:48.799
I don't share my first name because I've had my identity stolen and I need time to

2271
02:16:48.799 --> 02:16:49.840
get to know someone first.

2272
02:16:50.959 --> 02:16:53.200
You're allowed to be very clear on that boundary.

2273
02:16:54.320 --> 02:16:55.040
Okay.

2274
02:16:55.040 --> 02:16:55.280
Okay.

2275
02:16:56.240 --> 02:17:00.000
I want you to just be able to, you can have boundaries.

2276
02:17:00.000 --> 02:17:03.520
I just don't want you putting up these walls where it really does.

2277
02:17:03.520 --> 02:17:08.160
Like, cause this is one thing I will say, and I don't know if you were on my call last

2278
02:17:08.160 --> 02:17:10.320
week or not, or if you heard it in replay.

2279
02:17:10.320 --> 02:17:14.480
I miss, I didn't get a chance to catch when I, when we talk about boundaries and like

2280
02:17:14.480 --> 02:17:16.480
the walls, like, Oh yes, yes, I was.

2281
02:17:16.480 --> 02:17:17.760
That's where I got the four knocks from.

2282
02:17:17.760 --> 02:17:17.760


2283
02:17:18.639 --> 02:17:20.400
And I put that in, like, we had that in the notes.

2284
02:17:20.400 --> 02:17:22.480
So I didn't know if, you know, Ebony uses that too.

2285
02:17:22.559 --> 02:17:25.760
Um, it's just, for me, it's just a way that I can remember it.

2286
02:17:26.320 --> 02:17:35.200
Um, one thing that Jackie shared when she taught on this, she would remind us the own,

2287
02:17:35.200 --> 02:17:40.160
like when you put walls up, the only people that are scaling walls are thieves.

2288
02:17:41.280 --> 02:17:44.879
You don't want to be putting walls up that thieves are going to try to scale.

2289
02:17:45.920 --> 02:17:50.959
So that's why sometimes it's like, you want the gate, you want a gate to keep people out

2290
02:17:51.600 --> 02:17:56.719
and only allowing healthy people in, but you start putting those walls up where it

2291
02:17:56.719 --> 02:17:57.760
becomes a challenge.

2292
02:17:58.400 --> 02:17:59.600
Thieves like a challenge.

2293
02:18:00.160 --> 02:18:02.480
Oh, we don't want to do that either.

2294
02:18:03.200 --> 02:18:03.920
So that's what I'm saying.

2295
02:18:03.920 --> 02:18:05.440
Put your middle name up there.

2296
02:18:05.440 --> 02:18:12.080
We don't need to be, it's good to be cautious and be discerning, but let's do it with wisdom.

2297
02:18:12.080 --> 02:18:13.280
Let's not do it out of fear.

2298
02:18:14.559 --> 02:18:16.320
Really want you to lean into that.

2299
02:18:17.280 --> 02:18:21.520
Kind of like the guy that's going for that might like, enjoy the chase or enjoy just

2300
02:18:21.520 --> 02:18:25.200
the dopamine rush of trying to find that person.

2301
02:18:25.200 --> 02:18:25.760
Oh, I see.

2302
02:18:25.760 --> 02:18:26.320
Exactly.

2303
02:18:27.120 --> 02:18:31.120
And again, when these guys are asking you about where you live, I mean, you can be like,

2304
02:18:31.120 --> 02:18:32.559
I don't feel comfortable sharing that.

2305
02:18:32.559 --> 02:18:34.000
Is there a reason that you're asking me?

2306
02:18:36.639 --> 02:18:37.840
Just be straightforward.

2307
02:18:37.840 --> 02:18:44.240
You can tell them, I don't feel like that's an appropriate question for me to answer right

2308
02:18:44.959 --> 02:18:47.280
now because I'm not quite sure why you're asking.

2309
02:18:47.280 --> 02:18:48.959
Can you help me understand that?

2310
02:18:51.520 --> 02:18:52.719
I mean, I think it's a little odd.

2311
02:18:52.719 --> 02:18:55.120
Like, why does a guy need to know if I'm living in an apartment or a house?

2312
02:18:57.680 --> 02:19:01.680
Like, is he trying to see like, do you own your own home?

2313
02:19:01.680 --> 02:19:02.719
Are you renting a home?

2314
02:19:02.719 --> 02:19:03.840
Do you have roommates?

2315
02:19:03.840 --> 02:19:07.280
I mean, I've realized that those questions have come up.

2316
02:19:07.280 --> 02:19:09.520
I do ask that because they wouldn't know if you have roommates.

2317
02:19:10.160 --> 02:19:15.280
Sometimes it's just, they want to know, like, are you around a lot of people?

2318
02:19:15.280 --> 02:19:16.959
Like, do you, do you have a bunch of roommates?

2319
02:19:16.959 --> 02:19:17.840
Are you active?

2320
02:19:17.840 --> 02:19:19.200
Do you have people over?

2321
02:19:19.200 --> 02:19:24.799
Is there, you know, I also, I don't, again, when people ask me that, I'm not trying to

2322
02:19:24.799 --> 02:19:30.879
tell you if I don't know you again, and I can just say, and I don't have to be assuming

2323
02:19:30.879 --> 02:19:38.400
that they're trying to be sketchy, but I can answer it in a way that I am comfortable answering

2324
02:19:38.400 --> 02:19:38.639
it.

2325
02:19:38.639 --> 02:19:40.320
And I can put up a boundary.

2326
02:19:40.320 --> 02:19:45.280
I don't feel comfortable sharing that information with you because you're not someone that I

2327
02:19:45.280 --> 02:19:45.840
know very well.

2328
02:19:45.840 --> 02:19:46.799
You're still a stranger to me.

2329
02:19:47.440 --> 02:19:48.000
Right.

2330
02:19:48.000 --> 02:19:52.800
So that wouldn't even be discussed until like, you're like, on maybe like a second date,

2331
02:19:52.800 --> 02:19:55.760
like in terms of like a, but not even the second date, right?

2332
02:19:55.760 --> 02:19:59.440
I don't even, like, that's one of those things, again, like, why would we use an apartment

2333
02:19:59.440 --> 02:19:59.840
or a home?

2334
02:20:00.000 --> 02:20:04.240
Like if they own their home or if they're in a yeah, I mean if you're talking about something like okay

2335
02:20:04.240 --> 02:20:08.720
Some people mean like hey, what what area of town do you live in like just to kind of know?

2336
02:20:08.720 --> 02:20:13.560
Oh, I live on you know this side of town close to you know here. Oh, okay cool. Yeah

2337
02:20:13.560 --> 02:20:15.560
I've got friends that live over there, you know

2338
02:20:16.960 --> 02:20:18.880
I

2339
02:20:18.880 --> 02:20:25.500
At one point when I was dating I was looking to purchase a home. So that was that was

2340
02:20:26.100 --> 02:20:33.540
What was going on in my life currently so when I was talking about present-day things I was talking about house hunting

2341
02:20:34.420 --> 02:20:39.820
Now I would share that but again, I wasn't sharing addresses. I wasn't sharing

2342
02:20:40.900 --> 02:20:47.740
The cost of like what type of house I was look what was in my price range like that was not information

2343
02:20:47.740 --> 02:20:52.900
That was privy to any of them. I could just say yeah, I've been saving up to purchase a house

2344
02:20:52.900 --> 02:20:56.860
I'm gonna be moving soon. And so I'm working with a realtor right now

2345
02:20:56.860 --> 02:21:00.260
And these are some things that you know, these are some areas that I was looking in. I

2346
02:21:01.100 --> 02:21:03.300
Mean, but again, I you're not

2347
02:21:03.980 --> 02:21:12.300
Requiring to divulge all that information. So do you see how sometimes that conversation could come up if they're in a season of certain things

2348
02:21:12.300 --> 02:21:14.300
But not always does that make sense?

2349
02:21:15.020 --> 02:21:16.460
Yes

2350
02:21:16.460 --> 02:21:21.060
But I would again like yeah, if you're getting guys asking you those questions

2351
02:21:21.980 --> 02:21:25.900
Like do you live in an apartment do you live in a house do you own your own house?

2352
02:21:26.580 --> 02:21:28.580
Do you?

2353
02:21:29.060 --> 02:21:34.180
Do you have roommates and you haven't met them and you haven't been on a couple dates with them

2354
02:21:34.900 --> 02:21:36.660
You're not

2355
02:21:36.660 --> 02:21:38.660
You're not asking

2356
02:21:38.940 --> 02:21:41.140
You're not answering those questions, right?

2357
02:21:41.900 --> 02:21:45.540
And again, you say hey, I'm just not comfortable asking or answering that

2358
02:21:45.780 --> 02:21:50.300
Let's just let's get to know each other a little better. Is there I mean, is there a

2359
02:21:51.500 --> 02:21:54.700
Reason that you're asking that like can you help me understand why you're asking me that?

2360
02:21:54.700 --> 02:21:59.260
I mean you can even ask that first like can you let me understand why you're asking that like that's a that's a different

2361
02:21:59.260 --> 02:22:01.260
That's a question. I've not heard before

2362
02:22:01.700 --> 02:22:02.820
like

2363
02:22:02.820 --> 02:22:10.100
It's not typically a question. I get asked often whether it is or not, you know, like no, that's helpful. That's yeah, I mean

2364
02:22:11.060 --> 02:22:17.740
But I do I think it's helpful to know like you're aware of the guards that you have

2365
02:22:17.740 --> 02:22:20.340
And so as we progress

2366
02:22:21.100 --> 02:22:26.700
Through your dating. I do want you know myself and ebony. Let's let's work with you on

2367
02:22:27.340 --> 02:22:28.700
helping you

2368
02:22:28.700 --> 02:22:35.980
Break down some of those fears and let's get to some of those core things that you're believing and let's ship them again

2369
02:22:35.980 --> 02:22:38.940
It doesn't mean that you have to completely remove them

2370
02:22:39.260 --> 02:22:44.740
but we we might need to see are we putting those things up because we're

2371
02:22:45.220 --> 02:22:48.300
Being driven from our fear not from

2372
02:22:50.020 --> 02:22:55.700
The place where we're truly surrendering to the Lord, does that make sense? Yes, that makes sense. That helps a lot

2373
02:22:55.700 --> 02:22:57.700
Yeah, so my we're here for you like

2374
02:22:59.140 --> 02:23:01.140
We get it

2375
02:23:01.140 --> 02:23:03.140
Something else I noticed is like

2376
02:23:03.460 --> 02:23:09.620
From these groups. It's actually been making me get on the apps a lot more and what I found is with one of the apps

2377
02:23:09.620 --> 02:23:11.220
It seems like you get more

2378
02:23:11.220 --> 02:23:14.900
I get more like so the first I started feeling kind of like oh no

2379
02:23:14.900 --> 02:23:19.380
No one's liking me, but I found when you're on it more and they I guess they can see your little red

2380
02:23:20.180 --> 02:23:24.460
Indicator that you're online you get more likes just because you're on more

2381
02:23:25.140 --> 02:23:27.980
Thinking. Oh, this actually could be a real person cuz they're on

2382
02:23:28.500 --> 02:23:34.980
Hey, I didn't realize there are some of these apps like there are fake profiles. There are bots

2383
02:23:34.980 --> 02:23:41.300
I'm sure I mean, these are businesses. They're trying to like make their app better and all that kind of stuff

2384
02:23:41.300 --> 02:23:47.540
I don't know how that whole system works to be perfectly honest, but that could be why I mean, it's possible

2385
02:23:47.700 --> 02:23:49.700
I'm not saying that's the only

2386
02:23:49.740 --> 02:23:56.100
Reason, but it's possible. So even if you just had it up on your computer whether you're on it or not if you know, I

2387
02:23:56.620 --> 02:24:00.380
Always sometimes typically have my computer up and I'm just not logged out and I've got

2388
02:24:01.260 --> 02:24:02.460
several

2389
02:24:02.460 --> 02:24:09.020
Windows open and logged into something, you know, because I'm just half the time I get distracted with my kids or something

2390
02:24:09.540 --> 02:24:11.420
Yeah, yeah

2391
02:24:11.420 --> 02:24:14.780
That would those are just things. I would just keep keep your eyes on

2392
02:24:15.700 --> 02:24:17.700
All right. Yes

2393
02:24:19.460 --> 02:24:23.260
Sticking it out with me. I think this is the longest I've ever gone and my apologies

2394
02:24:24.020 --> 02:24:30.180
This has been the longest I've ever gone. I I have not been able to get to the chat. There's several

2395
02:24:30.940 --> 02:24:36.540
So if you're still on with me and you put something in the chat and I haven't addressed it

2396
02:24:38.260 --> 02:24:41.500
Please come in the app and share it there

2397
02:24:43.940 --> 02:24:46.380
So Stephanie I see you I know you can't come on camera

2398
02:24:47.180 --> 02:24:51.860
Like you're holding that firm boundary of not sharing your number on social media. I I think that's smart

2399
02:24:52.460 --> 02:24:56.100
Like and that's fine. And if if they're not willing to respect that boundary

2400
02:24:56.860 --> 02:24:58.860
Then that's your answer

2401
02:25:00.000 --> 02:25:04.820
they unmatched you, then you were just God defended.

2402
02:25:04.820 --> 02:25:09.820
Like you don't owe anybody your number that's a stranger.

2403
02:25:12.100 --> 02:25:14.200
Like you can have a couple exchanges

2404
02:25:14.200 --> 02:25:17.420
and then share your number, share a Google number,

2405
02:25:17.420 --> 02:25:20.780
do a video Zoom call, like whatever that looks like.

2406
02:25:22.660 --> 02:25:25.100
So yeah, if any of you ladies have questions about that,

2407
02:25:25.100 --> 02:25:29.380
again, we are here in the app to answer those questions.

2408
02:25:29.380 --> 02:25:31.780
I'm gonna be in there today and tomorrow

2409
02:25:31.780 --> 02:25:36.780
to catch up as well, hopefully.

2410
02:25:41.020 --> 02:25:42.740
Awesome, okay, perfect, perfect.

2411
02:25:42.740 --> 02:25:45.380
So yeah, I apologize if I got to all the chat,

2412
02:25:46.220 --> 02:25:48.740
but it's been a pleasure ladies,

2413
02:25:48.740 --> 02:25:52.820
always jump on tonight with Ebony as well.

2414
02:25:52.820 --> 02:25:54.980
And I'm gonna talk with her tonight as well

2415
02:25:54.980 --> 02:25:57.580
about how her session went, how long it went.

2416
02:25:57.580 --> 02:25:58.820
And we're gonna see what we,

2417
02:25:58.820 --> 02:26:01.420
as we continue to go through these teachings.

2418
02:26:01.420 --> 02:26:03.940
Now, I think we've gotten through all of our teachings.

2419
02:26:03.940 --> 02:26:05.700
When we go back and do reteaches,

2420
02:26:05.700 --> 02:26:07.620
we're hopefully gonna be able to scale some things

2421
02:26:07.620 --> 02:26:09.780
so that maybe our teaching portions are not as long

2422
02:26:09.780 --> 02:26:11.680
so we can answer a lot more questions.

2423
02:26:12.580 --> 02:26:14.820
Okay, so hopefully that helps.

2424
02:26:14.820 --> 02:26:18.500
All right, ladies have a blessed rest of your day.

2425
02:26:18.500 --> 02:26:19.660
We'll talk to you soon.