I can do the Z up.
I can do Z up.
I got that.
All right.
Yeah.
Good evening, ladies.
We are going to get started.
Tonight is really good.
I don't know if there's not a topic,
there's not one that I am favorable toward,
because Jackie has designed this program.
Hey, Shekinah.
She's designed this program to touch, thank you, Mandy,
to touch everything we need.
It's a program that is very equipped for the journey
that we're on.
And so every topic is so good to me.
Is there anyone, it doesn't look like to me,
hey, Karen, that this is your first time with us?
First time.
Oh, Lauren Nichols, so good to see you.
And Leah.
And is it Kenyon?
Kenyon.
Yeah.
Oh, good.
Kim is in the house.
So good to see y'all.
It's your first time, Alice.
Well, where did I talk to you at?
Did you post?
No, it's my first time in Facebook.
I just graduated this past weekend.
OK.
Welcome to Face, who your face looks familiar.
And I have no, I don't know why.
But welcome to Face, and we're so
happy to have you, Alice.
I'm Ebony.
I am the coach for 8 PM.
Carla is the coach at 1 PM.
You can come to one or the other, or you can come to both.
It's up to you.
They're both good.
And if you have to watch replays,
I'll say watch them both.
I don't know if somebody has that kind of time.
But anyway.
You're welcome.
So Alice, this is the face where we
want to encourage you to watch at least one video a week.
You can post your aha moments, those things
that are just like, oh, wow.
And all of those videos are kind of like the oh, wow.
So we want you to do that.
We want you to take your time.
Have you done the welcome video from Jackie yet?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Oh, good.
And so you know about the seven-day challenge.
Please, if you're excited, great.
If you're frightened, great.
I heard that.
I still have food, so I'm going to start next week.
You're going to start next week.
Well, good.
And if there's not a requirement.
Hey, Susan, I see you came in the room.
It's not a requirement for you to have
go on dates to come to coaching, because that's
not what coaching is about.
We coach you about your whole life.
People are going to talk a lot about dating, of course.
But coaching extends over to all parts of your life.
So I want you to know that.
So that's not the requirement.
And we'll help you with posting, your profile,
everything you need.
We're here to support you.
We want to support you on the journey.
And we want to be with you every step of the way.
We want to be your editor to catch things
that you don't see.
And we want to be your shoulder when things don't go
the way you wanted them to be.
We want to be the place that you cry.
This community will support you.
So we're here for it all.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry if you were seeing something.
I muted you, but I had to get rid of that background noise.
Don't rush through phase two.
I know, phase three is amazing.
But don't rush.
Take your time.
And then you can always come back in and visit with us.
So if you're ready to go to phase three,
we don't want to hold you back.
I think phase three is absolutely amazing.
It's just in phase two, it's a smaller community.
And so you get a lot more attention, per se.
It's just a larger community.
But they still take good care of you.
That's not what I'm saying.
They have really great events that they do.
So all of that is wonderful.
You ladies, please don't forget, there's
something that you need to unpack
that can't be done over coaching.
Because a lot of unpacking can't really be done in coaching.
Like in this session, we could do some in small amounts.
But you can do one-on-ones anytime.
Carla, myself, and lots of other amazing coaches,
you'll see them all on the page.
And so please feel free to do that.
And just for in case anybody is, phase three is,
what is it called?
Last year single.
This is called Love Story Accelerator.
Phase three is last year single.
And I can just kind of give you some
of the things if you remind me.
There are no criteria to do phase three.
We just like you to stay in phase two to about four
to five weeks.
And then you can just send an email under the Resources tab
and say, hey, transition me over to phase three.
And they'll send you over to phase three.
Just for clarity, coaching.
Coaching is not free, there is a fee.
And so you'll see that fee when you get ready to sign up for it.
It's a 50-minute session with any coach that you choose.
If you feel passive, yeah, you transition over.
I don't want you to, yeah.
So it's up to you.
How did activation go this week?
We had a lot of feedback.
You ladies did really good.
Who wants to share an area that they stepped out in?
Something that they noticed about themselves
that they didn't know at first?
Something that you got to practice?
Whoever you are that wants to share, unmute yourself
and go for it.
Nobody?
OK.
All right, if you ever think about it, drop it in the chat.
We'd like to hear about it.
Boundaries are really good to practice.
I think I really got the hang of it.
It is still posted, so you can take a look at it,
but I'll take it down when we come out of the session.
I think the one boundary that really changed my life, that
helped me do all other boundaries,
was the order of submission to boundaries first.
And so once I caused myself to submit to an order,
then everybody else submitting to the order in which I
submitted myself to came a bit easier, much more easier,
because that was my norm.
That became who I was and how I operate.
And so tonight, what am I excited about?
Lord, let's pray.
Father, I thank you for these ladies.
I thank you for insight and wisdom.
I thank you for whatever issue they have,
whatever problem they have, that the kingdom has a solution.
And so we thank you for kingdom solutions on tonight.
I thank you, Lord God, that the things that we teach
will absorb, go down deep, and produce fruit, Lord God,
that the women around them can partake of,
that they will have a story to share,
that others can grow and take their journey.
In Jesus' name, amen.
So tonight, we're going to talk about online dating.
And we're going to try to hit up some things as it relates
to online dating, first starting with the heart posture.
And so a lot of times, when we think about it,
most of us are already probably online dating.
But some of us aren't online dating.
And there are various reasons why.
Some people say they don't feel led to go online dating.
Some people say they don't want anybody looking at them,
staring at them.
There are a lot of reasons that we
don't want to do online dating.
And if you guys know, before you started online dating,
you had your reasons why you didn't
want to go to online dating.
You had the things you were thinking in your mind
about online dating.
And still, probably sometimes, think about those things.
But when we're looking at the ideal of online dating,
we're talking about a heart posture first.
And so what happens is, when we go on online dating,
some things we have to remember, which always kind of tie back
to what we think about ourselves,
is that we're not going in to rescue anybody.
We're not trying to be somebody's pastor, meaning
their teacher.
And this is not a detour from God's love story for you.
And a lot of times, when we are very headstrong on,
this is not spiritual enough, you think it's a detour.
You think, this is not the path to get me there.
I know this is not the path to get me there.
But that's because we subconsciously
believe that this path equals a husband.
When the program is not designed for online dating
to produce your husband, online dating
is a sign to help you discover you.
And so in online dating, so many women
have already discovered that they
struggle with setting boundaries.
You struggle with telling the man
don't speak to you that way.
You struggle with leading the conversation in a healthy way,
so people are just saying whatever.
And you're like, oh, I could have caught that.
Oh, I shouldn't let that happen.
Or when you do get on the date, you actually don't know how.
You tell a man not to touch you, but he keeps touching you.
You don't know what to do.
These are discovery things.
So sometimes we can come out of it and think,
they were rude.
They don't this.
I don't want them anymore.
But we don't reflect on how did we respond?
And why did we respond that way?
Or why did we not respond to someone doing something
that we don't like?
Why did we not respond to someone saying something
that we don't like?
Why didn't we advocate for ourselves?
Why didn't you stop the process?
And so some people take two ways of doing it.
They put up walls.
And they say, up, click, hang up.
But they never process through, how
do I take control of this moment and say, hey,
without getting mad, without being
offended at somebody else's behavior and say to them,
hey, let me just stop you right quick.
Let me interrupt that language that you're using.
It doesn't work for me.
It feels very dishonoring to who I am.
And if you're going to continue that way, we're
going to have to end this conversation.
But most of the times, we get angry and block them.
Anger says that you have not yet learned to use your words
to express yourself.
The goal is for you to practice using your words
to express yourself, because you're
going to need your words to express yourself
when you get married.
Because when you get married, you
ain't going to be able to slam the door and go in your room.
You can do it, but that ain't going to last long.
And it's not going to get the job done.
And so that's why we say when you come into this phase,
the idea that you're dating, you're
online dating, or every date is your husband
doesn't serve the process well.
Are we all together?
Yeah?
OK.
So online dating is not the savior.
It is not a verdict on your worth.
And this is something we do struggle with a lot.
Based on how a man, when I say we,
because I'm talking about me too, it's not a you thing.
It's a we thing.
All of us, I believe, have been at this place
at some point or another, or may still be hanging out there.
When a man speaks to you in a certain way or something
he says, it's like it's a judgment on your worth.
And some of the first thoughts you may hear popping up
is, what was it about me that make him
think he could say that to me?
Or some men look so strange and so weird,
you think to yourself, what would make him think that I
wanted to talk to him?
And then on top of that, you look at yourself and say,
does my beauty not speak that he wouldn't be on my level?
You take it as an insult, as it's
a reflection of your beauty, of your intelligence.
And so it's like, what made him think I would even talk to him?
Or if you keep getting scammers, or you
keep getting men who talk to you crazy,
you think it's a reflection of you.
And so you want to give up because you
think the interesting men aren't interested in me,
only these maybe poorly developed men.
And so now, this says something about me.
It only says that the scammer wants to scam,
and the poorly developed man thinks you're cute.
That's all it says.
He likes you.
Just because somebody like you don't mean
you have to like them back.
So that's one thing.
How somebody shows up is not a judgment on you,
or your beauty, or your intelligence,
or your values, or your morals.
Just because a man insists on having sexual comments,
it doesn't mean that you look like somebody
who would have sex with him.
You just look like the next person
he's going to try to see how far you let him go.
And every time you let a sexual innuendo slip by,
and you hear it, and you don't call it,
he's going to keep doing it.
And so you think, well, I ignored the first one,
but he kept on.
Of course he kept on, because if you say nothing,
that means you just said something.
You said, I don't mind that language.
There's no such thing as nothing being said.
To say nothing is to say something.
And so online dating is just a tool.
That's all it is.
And for some of us, it's a tool to get us a clever man
to choose from, to get you to start talking to a man.
To get you to come out of the world
where nobody's trying to talk to you.
Because sometimes in Christ, we are under the idea
that or concept that he's going to Amazon us a man based
on one love story that we heard.
Or something's going to happen so supernatural
that you have to bypass getting on a person as a friend.
You're going to bypass everything.
You bypass the whole process in your some mind
that even that our God is not.
The Bible says that he's the only wise one.
And so wisdom tells me that in order
to be in fellowship with any single person, even with God,
I have to get to know them.
But somehow in our, what do they call it?
It's not called a, I call it a fantasy,
but they call it a suddenly.
There are suddenlies in God.
But suddenlies happen to people who are prepared.
Because God can't trust you with a suddenly
if you're not prepared for it.
How are you going to qualify for a suddenly?
A suddenly is not a suddenly.
It's just a sudden, but you have been equipped and prepared
for the suddenly.
and so God in his wisdom understands preparation. He says that any man who builds a house must first
count up the cost. He said that if you're going to take up your cross and follow me, you must first
count up the cost. And so it's only when we get into these romantic relationships at times as
women, we ignore that Christ told us before you even follow me to count up the cost. And so do
you believe that within the institution of marriage, he's not going to require you to
count up the cost by preparing yourself? And so I just wanted to add that because on online dating,
you get an opportunity to hear how quickly you move, how you don't practice pacing. And when
pacing is encouraged, you bypass it because there's something in you telling you that another
way works when it has never worked. I don't know what it is that keeps speaking that it works,
but you keep doing it even though it doesn't work. You know what I'm saying? And so you need
somebody to date to see that part of you, right? So are we together? Does that make sense?
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I only see a few people. So when you nod, I'm like, okay, I'm there. We all together.
All right. If you are doing online dating and you are bitter, you're exhausted, you are guarded,
but not healed. You're guarded and you're hoping someone else will fix the ache. It's okay to take a
pause. You got, sometimes we have to, we have to lay things out and recognize when you believe
some man is going to come through on a night, a night on a night and shiny armor with his armor
night on his horse to save you from the aches of your life, to feel those places where you're
just so lonely. I just need somebody to feel the space. Oftentimes men are able to love bum you
because you're in such a deficit so that when they start to put you in your, in their future,
you can't believe they would imagine a future with you. And so you get excited because they
keep saying the things that you belong to here. If they keep saying the things that you long to
hear, that means that there is a deficit within you that needs to be filled up from you and by you
through your relationship with the Lord, through your community, through your friends, through
everything around you. If you recognize that instead of telling a man what your love language
is, you have to learn your love language and deal with your love language within yourself.
So you need approval. You have to surround yourself with people that can approve of who you are.
If it's physical touch, then you need to get, go get you some lotion, rub it on your body,
take care of your body. That's one way for physical touch. Another way is when you hug
people. Another way is when you have interactions with children and you can pick them up.
You believe that physical, physical touch and lust are two different things.
There's two different things. Sex and physical touch are two different things.
One of the things that people said they miss most about church during COVID was actually
hugging the people at church. Because when you walk in, most people, unless you have some type
of issue with touching, which is another issue all by itself. When you hug somebody, it's the
embrace of a friend. It's the embrace of a sister or brother in Christ, because you know they love
you. They like you and you accept it. It's touch. We all need touch, physical touch. If they've done
studies before, I'm sure you've heard of it. When a baby is not touched, ever touched, we have an
issue. They really can die from not being physically touched. It is a need that we have,
but physical touch is not sex. It's not lust. It's a need that you have that's being perverted.
The only way you know physical touch is through sex, but there are other ways that you're getting
physical touch. You just have not looked into them. I hope that we're all together on this.
When you come to the table empty, you are praying for the enemy to fill you up with foolishness
that doesn't pan out at the end. It costs you more than you want to pay, for sure.
Another thing is, you don't want to go in hoping that somebody could fix your ache
for a husband, hoping that you can find the one, because the Lord really is writing your love story.
The more prepared you get, the closer you get to the promise. We don't want to stamp heaven's
name on something that's half done and undone, and then you go tell the world this is what God
gave you, and you don't even know how to communicate. If you can't communicate,
then you're not going to communicate. Then you're the person in the marriage.
Marriage is the institution of two people whatever you bring to the table. That's what y'all eat
I want you to know that whatever you bring to the table
That's what y'all having for dinner and whatever he brings to the table. That's what you're having for dinner
So if it's spam, baby, you gonna have some $2 spam
But all my goodness is it a real back?
medium rare
You got yourself good eat
Alright, if it's a big old pot of vegetable soup tastes so good with a slice of cornbread on the side with the buttermilk
You're about to eat good
And so this is the phase where we make the eating good
Then when you sit down to the table with a man he enjoys
Fellowshipping with you because it's something on the inside that makes you a good fellowship
You got something to eat
All right, and that they can look so yeah, you got something to eat you you build yourself well, so
I'm like expedited Lord. Don't we won't expedite we want to get it expedited
Anyway, so principle number one
Let's talk about a couple of principles and we're gonna get a chance to take do some more a little hopefully more coaching tonight because
I will cut it out to allow us for more time because this is about online baby
So principle number nine go in with the fresh attitude
But just don't go at all because you're only gonna become more and more miserable. I
Can't tell you how many breaks I've taken in the past from online dating
If you find yourself fearful to take a break from online dating
It's because you're operating scarcity and you believe that this is your only hope
You believe that all the powers in your hand and if you don't do this you slacking on the job
It's not true. It's a lie from the enemy. You're not gonna miss anything
Okay, you're not you can't miss it the Lord's gonna make sure of it
And so when you start having those thoughts you get rid of them and you confess the Lord is the author of my love story
I know that he will do what's best for me
And if you don't know it you say because most of us don't believe that God is just that good or we don't sometimes believe
That he loves us for our best interest
So that's why we come up with schemes and plots and we put up with stuff that we shouldn't
Because we believe that this is the last thing
So that means I don't believe God loves me enough to give me the best and that's okay
You may have some things to point to in your life as to why you believe that
But we want to get rid of that belief system because it's just not who our father is and there's nothing wrong with
Confessing that to him. And so then you will say help me. Let this go while I rest
I'm struggling to believe that you will give me the best and then he can come in in that way help you
So you don't have to deny it. Okay, and then so
So a fresh attitude doesn't mean I'm not afraid it just means God. I trust you with my heart
my timing and my discernment
Y'all and I'm gonna say this online date is not striving. It's about stewardship, which is a really good point
It's not about striving it really is about stewarding what you have in your hands and leveraging everything
I don't know what I was about to say, but I really wanted to say it and if it comes back to my mind
I am going to say it
Because it was it was really important. I do believe so
Let's do a fast heart check
so
We want you to self-assess your heart right now your heart posture without shame
Okay, and we want you to assess it while you're in community with other women
I've told you this before that we are more alike in every way
there is not one single pose that has ever been made that no other woman has not ever made and
It seems like things go in ways
Because one person opposing it all of a sudden all that week is the same post over and over if you ever check it out
You'll see it, but it goes in ways. So
We're gonna do this quick heart check, there's no judgment
We just want you to be honest and the honesty brings you to a place of surrender
So we want you to respond in the chat only that way can be fast and maybe you can feel safer
By writing it and not seeing it. So in one word
What posture are you bringing to online dating right now now, I'm gonna give you some options is it hopeful are you guarded?
Are you curious? Are you tired? Are you open? Are you cautious or are you expected?
In crystal you're not online dating right now
You can't say what you did bring in the past or what are your thoughts about why you're not dating online or how you feel?
about it
Okay
I see
I'm rolling in, hopeful, good, cautious, yeah, good, good, good, these are all so good.
If you guys are watching it or you ladies are watching these things come through, tired
lots of going on saying yes, yes.
You know it does take a level of energy to do online dating, I'm telling you, it really
does.
If you would just notice what the sisters are putting in here, can you see the overlap?
That it's not just one person, it's everybody.
And so now that you see your posture, you've written down your posture, if you're tired,
take a break.
If you feel guarded, think about why you feel guarded and deal with it.
It's an inside posture of the heart.
It really has nothing to do with what's outside of you.
There could have been some factors that caused you to go inward and put up your guards, but
we want you to do, we want you to live in freedom.
And so what you want to do is deal with what made you feel guarded.
What did that thing trigger in your heart to say guard it up and deal with that thing
so that you can live freely?
Okay, now, when you're doing online dating, this is something that some of us get stuck
at.
Are you ready for this?
This is a really good one.
We want you to go in to actually go on a date.
Sometimes we can go into window shop.
Sometimes we can go in to not collect attention at all.
And then sometimes we can go in and spiritually psychoanalyze strangers.
And so when you're looking at their posts or their look profile, it's like, oh, I mean,
I have to say, please, please.
I mean, that's a normal thing you're going to swipe.
But it's the thoughts that are going through your mind when you're swiping like, oh, and
then if it's one is fine, you'd be like, well, wait a minute, let me see what he got going
on.
Maybe there's something that I can work with.
Or if you look at a man that you think is very attractive, and maybe he, you know, talking
about he goes to the gym or how he eats so good and got all of the guns out, you know,
you may want to talk to him, but sometimes we have thoughts like he wouldn't want me.
Now I can't tell you how many times I've had this thought and how many other women have
had this same thought.
And so it really used to affect me at the very beginning.
And so back in the day, I would give my sister my phone and just let her pick the people.
And she would pick who she thought was worthy of me.
She would pick people she wanted me to take a chance with.
She would pick people so strategic to my personality, and it was a lot of fun letting her do that
because there are people that I would have picked, but I didn't want to pick because
I look at them and be like, oh, you know, they don't want me.
So online dating, though, is actually a place you learn what you enjoy.
Y'all, this is more about discovery than anything.
It really, really is.
There is a power, a self-awareness that comes through you in this phase of the program.
This was my most favorite phase is where I learned the most hardest lessons is where
my heart was broken.
Sometimes I felt beyond repair.
It is the place where I had to bow out to the order because I thought my way was the
best way, even though I had started the program and I felt like it was amazing.
Something in me said that when I talk to a person, we're going to talk about everything.
Even though the program said don't do that.
I'm like, no, I need to know like how you believe in Jesus, what your level is.
I need to know this stuff because that's what I need to know before I go any further.
No matter how many times Jackie, our coach, said don't do that, I did it anyway because
I thought I knew best and it cost me a lot.
Not just one time, not just two times, not just three times.
If there was a rule to be broken, I broke it.
And it has so much to do with the wounds in my heart, the way I learned affection, the
way I learned love, the way I learned acceptance, all of these different processes, all these
different heart issues.
And so I did these things on repeat until it broke me enough for me to realize that
I needed help and I needed to put myself under an order that I needed to submit to boundaries
that I can't.
God to first drive me to a man and when I get there I take it from myself and we do
everything that we shouldn't do.
We don't grow well and I somehow I left my partner God in the background and now it's
ordered the rules of me.
So online dating really online dating phase two within itself dating helps to develop
something in you that is a worthy to be developed.
So this is a place where you learn what you enjoy learn how you like to be spoken to learn
learn.
I talked about this learn how to can you even communicate most women have only been with
Jesus.
They ain't been with no man.
So Jesus did you to this use this but you don't know how to communicate with the person
you know not a set boundary.
You don't know.
You got all these missing pieces you know man say you beautiful and you block him.
What in the world and what he supposed to say hey ugly now call me by my name take the
compliment.
What is what is this what what is this going on ladies?
I remember the first time a man told me hey beautiful I was like no he did not.
Why would who did he think I am?
I was so offended anyway it was just so funny and so now you ladies say I've already been
there so I know what you're saying but it's like it was a compliment right.
So anyway you learn how to communicate you learn how to pace emotional intimacy in this
we struggle with and we always put it out.
Well I just I'm a big talker.
I just talk a lot.
Now the truth is you don't know how to pace emotional intimacy because you've never learned
it and you get into the program and everything is laid out for you but you get to submit
yourself to the order because somewhere even though it has never worked you believe it
works your way and so you don't want to pace yourself emotionally you get on the phone
with the guy and you just go straight through it you just keep doing it and keep blowing
up.
Now I don't want you to be like me I had to go through about three or four times before
some said hey that's they just told you that doesn't work.
You can research it anywhere that's not how you develop relationships.
So um and it's a it's a place where you learn how to stay grounded instead of attached too
quickly.
So this is the thing and I've said this many times and I'm gonna I'm gonna wrap this phase
up and we'll talk about some more things next time we get on this subject but uh wow Holy
Spirit is helping guide me tonight I guess because it literally slipped my mind once
again so um let's just move on from that I've got a few more minutes okay.
Remember that online dating in this phase is not about finding the one immediately it's
about becoming a woman who dates from wholeness not hunger.
We want to get some full women around here so you can date from wholeness and not hunger
wholeness and not scarcity.
And so oftentimes we say this and you listen to the women everybody will say well I you
know I didn't want to hurt them hurt them there's a man you're talking so you ain't
talking about no four-year-old child ten-year-old boy this is a grown man it's in some way people
are not responsible for their own emotional well-being and you're the one that has to
be responsible for it so do this I'm gonna let you talk to me any kind of way and I'm
just gonna well you know I don't want to do that but really there's something else at
work in you that wants to hold on to something that is not serving you it's scarcity.
We believe that something is about other people nothing is about other people before
it becomes about you so even if you wanted to somebody to talk to just to have a conversation
going have you ever been like before I just want to talk to a man I just want to hear
some testosterone I could talk to my friend but I want to talk to a man and sometimes
you'll keep men around just because you want that connection and sometimes you'll pay a
higher cost to get it that's an inside job you're not doing anything for him so then
when you come back and you relate it's like well I did this and I did this and I did this
and I did this longer the days of the I did this and I did that and I did this and I did
that it's not somebody else it's us if you tolerate foolishness it is not the foolish
person it is
to you. It is us. Okay. So it is not about a woman who dates. This is about a woman who
dates from wholeness and not from hunger. In phase two, along with phase one hard work,
you get to phase two, you get to practice your hard work. It brings you to a whole woman.
I've seen it happen. I look at myself every day and I'm looking at you and I know what
it does. It really does bring you to wholeness. Um, if you just operate under that, uh, thing
and Heather, I want to say something to you too. I'm glad you cut your camera. I'm not
right now, but I will. Um, let's normalize this one thing and I'm going to wrap this
up here. It's so much good stuff, but listen, let's normalize something. This is a reality
of online dating. Are you ready? Here they go. There will be scammers. You will get ghosted.
There will be wishy-washy men and they're going to be men who don't know what they want.
They're going to be men. That's going to be talking to you this hot on Friday and Saturday
and cold come Sunday through Thursday. They're going to try to pick back up where they left
off it, but you going to be gone. Okay. You're going to already be gone. Hey, who is it Diana?
This is my son, Chris. Hey, Chris, you need a, you married? No, I'm not married. You need
to join the program. How old are you? I'll be 46 on Thursday. What are you waiting on?
Oh, I know. Right. Oh, something else going on. I had to talk to Diana. I got a 46 year
old handsome man's son and he ain't married and she's sitting on the screen full of women.
Okay. Okay. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you as well. So, um, yeah, so those are things
that's going to be there and we have to be, uh, no, look, my love is hook us up. He handsome
too. I didn't want to make him feel too embarrassed. I just let it go. He's, he's a cutie. You
got to tell us more about him. Yeah. But, um, so yes, look at somebody else said he's
cute to him. He kind of, he, um, so just let these things pass, you know, like we have
to let these things pass and don't take it personal. It's not you. Where are you going
to go, Susan? I'm going to church for a class at church, but okay. Send me a follow up email.
I will. I haven't forgotten. Okay, great. All right. But I'm listening to church. Okay.
Oh, okay. So we want to handle these things without losing our peace and I'm gonna, I'm
gonna wrap it up right there. Um, we're going to have, uh, let's talk about this one more
thing. Facing matters. This is the thing with online dating. All right. We told you guys
that you are dating for, uh, in-person date. You are not looking for texting buddy. So
that means once you text for about one week, if you want to stay on the platform and text
back and forth, we want you to be working your way up to an in-person date.
So then you want to move to zoom video, a phone, do Google voice. If you don't want
to give out your number into an in-person date, if you don't want to get much, don't
give them out your number until you get there. That's fine. If they don't like it, then they're
not the person for you to chat with. Okay. Some people don't like that kind of stuff.
I don't prefer this stuff. If a man tells me he's not going to give me his number until
we go out on a date, then I'm going to stop talking to him. Cause I'm not going to meet
somebody I've not seen before. And I'm not going to meet somebody. I haven't heard their
voice before. That is me. That feels very unsafe to me. And it's weird. I don't meet
people I have not seen before. And I do not talk to people on the phone that I have not
seen before. That's a no go for me. Um, I'm quickly, I am more quickly to move to a video
call because I want to see that person. And I'm not even as comfortable exchanging pictures
of pictures that are on there. That's who I am. That's how I look. Let's get on the
FaceTime so we can all verify how everybody look around here. Okay. Um, that's just how
I feel about that. Everybody's different, but I'm telling you when a man says he doesn't
like that, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him because I am a woman telling
you for myself that that's how I operate. And a lot of times we get offended with a
man when he does that, but he's just saying, no, I'm not finna meet a woman I haven't seen
before. You ain't finna show up looking like nobody.
Okabea, no, get me out there.
You know, I don't even know how you sound, right?
And so you're interested in a live date.
And so let's try not to be texting for three weeks
somebody you've never seen before.
And then getting attached and making plans in a life.
Right?
Yeah.
All right, we're gonna stop there.
This is your activation for this week.
And then you guys don't start putting your hands up yet.
I want you to, but I'm gonna lose who was first
if I'm looking at these notes.
And so this week as a community,
we're gonna create space for everybody to be seen,
to be celebrated and to pair our hearts for dating together.
So whether you've actively online dating,
considerate or simply preparing for the season ahead,
this is a gentle and joyful way to practice
introducing yourself and inviting community
in your journey.
So this is not performance.
This is not comparison, and this is sisterhood.
So this is your invitation.
We want you to create one post in this community,
introducing yourself using the prompts below.
I know that sound like, ah, la, la, la,
but it really is good.
So check it out.
You are going to share only what feels comfortable.
There is no right way to do this, just your way.
So what you're gonna include in your post,
this is already gonna be posted.
I've already posted.
A current photo of you, something that feels like you,
something that feels simple, natural and current.
You're gonna tell us where you live, city, state or country,
whether you're open to relocating,
because these are the things you're also put
on a dating site, right?
Like whether, I guess, if you're open to relocation,
yes or no, or maybe a few fun facts about you.
Make them like light and human and joyful.
This gives us a glimpse into who you are.
And this is also gonna help you
create your dating profiles.
No, I don't think you can do a video
called the Google number.
Things that you genuinely enjoy.
How you spend your free time?
What helps you relax?
What fills your cup?
Now, that's a really good one,
because most ladies, I can't tell you how many times
I've seen it, and I was one,
don't know nothing about they self.
Like, I don't really know what I like.
Has a man asked you, like, what type of stuff you like?
One time I said, you know, stuff that everybody is like,
I ain't know what I like.
I was like, you know what normal people like to do?
That was not a good answer.
And then words, words that close friends
would use to describe you.
Think about your character, your heart, and your presence.
What you're generally, what's with these G and R's?
I don't know.
What you're generally attracted to.
So energy, values, character, lifestyle.
Keep this grounded and relational.
And then there's some optional things for you to do there,
to do there as well.
And I want you to check that out.
We want you to engage with the posts
that your sisters put up.
Ask questions, share something that you really liked
about it, comment on more than the photo,
comment on their personality.
One of the things that women struggle with most
on online dating or meeting a man,
the first thing he says,
he didn't ask me anything about me.
It matters to you that this man doesn't care about you.
You wanna be pretty, but it's more to you than your looks.
And so it's a really big deal
if somebody doesn't ask you something about yourself.
So we wanna practice asking our sisters things about them
so they can get the fulfillment out of it
because that is a real thing.
So, all right.
The rest of the activations already posted.
So Heather, what I want to tell you was,
everybody else can go ahead.
If you have a question, just put your hand up.
I'm happy to take it.
Heather, what I was gonna say last time.
Oh no, Lauren, you gotta go, I miss you.
Can you make a post and tell me how you been?
All right.
So Heather, I know last time you were mentioning
about struggling with, I gotta find your key.
Still, what did you say this last time
about you're avoiding the things you struggle
with being avoided?
And one of the things that helped me,
and I don't know if I said this to you before.
One of the things that really helped me grow out of
the way that I learned to attach
because it is a learned style from childhood.
You didn't decide it, somebody decided it for you,
is I understood that I was a new creation in Christ
and now I get to show up differently and love differently.
I don't have to abide by the rules
or what has been cultivated in me from my family.
And I don't know if there's something I've said to you
but I wanted to say it to you
because just because you're an avoided,
you have learned that that was the love style
that your family gave you.
You don't have to operate in it.
And the tendencies may not ever leave.
And I heard Jackie say this in one of the teachings
that the tendencies may not ever leave
but it doesn't mean you have to.
obey the tendencies. You don't have to operate under them and the more you operate under them
and the more you keep declaring that you are an avoidant, the more you're going to operate in it.
And so what I started doing was because one time I kept saying, well, you know, I'm just
disorganized. I'm just disorganized. If they do this, I do this. And the Lord clearly spoke to me.
He said, that's not who you are. And you're going to have to stop saying it because the more you
say it, the more you're going to be there. And I was listening to this book and he started
ministering to me about why do you operate under the old order when you've come under a new order?
My love isn't disorganized. My love isn't anxious. And you have your love, my love living in you
give people what they so rightly deserve because when you give it out, you also give it to yourself.
It's wrong to have the best thing to give to them, but hold back under a false identity of who you
are. And it opened my eyes so much because it was like, oh, I don't have to give people
this broken love that I received. Why would I want to give somebody the brokenness that I received?
And so I made up my mind that I would not give people the brokenness that I received,
but I will pour from me out of the wholeness that I've received in Christ out of all the
hard work that I've done because they don't deserve to get that. Cause I know how hard
that way of loving was on me. I know what it's shaped in me. And I made a law within myself.
I will not give someone else what was given to me and it's not who I am. And so just because
you're bent that way, you can always lean in the other direction. And I just wanted to share that
with you. Is that helpful in any way? It is. I was about to put my hand up, but then you said my
name. So I didn't, but can I respond or I know? Yeah. Well, first of all, thank you. I appreciate
that. I thought a lot about that through the heart work and just understanding that for me,
it wasn't so much my family, but my environment, like that really shaped that a lot in me. And
so I really struggle with that. And also with, with dating, this is actually one of the questions
I was going to ask you tonight because, and you know, I'm trying to find how to navigate.
I'm trying to find how to navigate. We all are. And this is great because this program is giving
me for the first time, I feel like I'm learning how to date. Like I never understood how to do
certain things and always end up being too fast or too slow or me walking out the door. So,
but I have a different question, but I want to say, first of all, thank you very much. I just
was typing, finger typing some notes down because I have to remind myself of that when I start
feeling stressed or concerned. And my tendency is to be bold, whether that means taking a trip
and being, or just being completely unavailable. And, you know, so my question though was,
so I've been going out on dates with this, this gentleman who is very nice. He is considerate,
ticks a lot of the boxes, all these things. I'm not finding myself attracted to him
in any like longer term capacity, but he's really nice. He's actually fun to go do things with, but
we're not like, there's, it's, I think I've given it a lot of time
where I'm just not feeling that way about him. And I'm, I struggle a little bit because for a
while I was like, well, am I being avoidant? Am I just because, you know, imperfection? And it's
a yes until it's a no, as Jackie says. And also, although I've not really experienced it, but like,
you know, give people time if they're really wonderful or things are right, you know,
attraction can grow out of unexpected relationships. So I've been trying to like,
talk myself through these, like, don't do my normal, I'm out of here thing. Also, because
like I said, he's really nice. And when we've gone out, we've really had nice time, fun. He's
fun. And I feel like I have someone fun to do things with, but I know he likes me a lot. And
I know that he would like to work towards, you know, another space. And I'm not feeling that.
And I feel like I'm in this in-between space where I'm not sure quite what to do because I have not,
you know, committed to dating this person one-on-one because I was kind of trusting how
I'm feeling. And I also hate the idea of not having someone fun to do interesting things with,
because if I think of something fun to do, or he thinks of something fun to do,
he's a fun person to do them with. But I don't want to kiss him. I don't want him,
you know, I'm not feeling it.
You know, I I've tried to see if it's me just being me
and I'm like, I don't know what to do and I
Can say I'm just not attracted to you and like close the door, but then I'm like, but he's actually a really nice person
I don't know. Okay, so let's talk about this
How long have you been getting to know him
For about three four months like I was for the record
December was not counting because I was sick the whole month. So I didn't see him for like five weeks
but we've gone out on like probably
Five or six dates in person and then we talked periodically
well, what reason why I say whoo because I
Don't I you you could possibly just not be attracted to him. It should have grown. Do you guys talk in between time?
He always checks in
We don't have a lot of really that's part of the thing I'm like I I
Need an engaging person who's got a lot of I don't know
We do talk but it's not like we talk every day or anything like that. We talk
because a cup maybe
once or twice a week and then we'll kind of check in on schedules and
I'm not making myself the most available because I'm not feeling it, but he's also really nice and
And so this this one thing I want to touch on that why aren't you attracted to him
Well, I've been thinking about it. I'm like, what is the problem?
There's two things one
Which is a concern and I this is also why I feel like I gave this a lot more time as he's had some health
Problems like he had a stroke a year or something ago and he's been recovering and he's doing really well and it's not
You know
he's doing great actually considering it was major, but I
I've been a caretaker before and that is a fear for me to have to just I mean it could happen anyway to anybody
things happen in life, but like
That from for a while. That was like, okay. I prayed a lot about that
I'm like, okay
Am I not giving a person a fair chance because people go through things and then some people recover really well
And he's doing very well, but it's a thing and then the other wasn't the other part
One thing was his stroke food-related like it was because of the way he cares for his body or did it happen from some other
trauma, I
Don't know and I don't know that he knows
Exactly why it trapped because a lot of times you don't know what triggered it, but I know he's a veteran. I know he's
Now considered disabled veteran
But that old easy
Hmm. Oh
He is 50. I
Think he's 54. He's right a little over than me
You I'm 52. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. No
Like maybe late 30s early
Wow, I'm
Wow, I'm speechless really
Anyway
Is he on high blood pressure medication? He's on a ton of medications. He just had a major stroke
He may just had a major stroke, but he wouldn't go on high blood pressure
I'm trying to see what attributes to his health because I know it sounds like I'm picking apart
But it does matter because let's say he had an injury. He had a stroke
But if he has high blood pressure and he's not eating well and taking care of his body
It's gonna make you even more fearful that puts you in a position to take care of him
I know he is now but all of this is on the backside of what was a major stroke
yes, but right now he's on 14 pills a day and I believe that I
don't know his full history because
I'm respecting him
unveiling certain things at certain times and I also don't want it to end up being like this big deep divulgent thing and I'm like
By the way, I'm not attracted to you
after he says
I'm not crying. Yeah, but I I know it was a major stroke like they he's considered miraculous by certain doctors
but he's doing really well, but
So I'm thinking about that
Yeah
I was trying to dissect the fear part because even though you want to be a caretaker there are certain things a person can
Show you that makes them look like they will be even more care in the future or certain things
They can show you that yeah that happened, but you're recovering well
So I just want to kind of dissect yourself and so what's the second thing the second thing is
He
He's like I am a nerd I'm a brainy brainy nerd
I am also an adventurer and I like to do a lot of things and I like to I'm really I really get into that
So like I'm always reading something. I need
intellectual stimulation
and I need, I need wit and humor.
And he's, he gets the jokes and stuff,
but he doesn't have,
he doesn't offer that in his personality.
It doesn't come through.
If I ask him if he's reading anything,
he's not reading anything,
even though he's very intelligent,
but he's not, his brain doesn't,
he's not stimulated by any of the things
that I find really interesting,
other than we have a great time if we go do something.
And there are interesting things,
like we went to the rodeo, you know what I mean?
Like we went to, you know, fun things,
but when it, I lack the intellectual stimulation
and the conversation and the things that really,
like, I want to have a conversation
about something really interesting or what happened today
and nothing's happening.
I mean, and I don't know if part of it's
because he's dealing with, you know, family or recovery.
And that just takes over his, a lot of his personal life.
And then he just wants to relax,
but I'm not that girl.
I need, he'd be happy to come along,
but I need that conversation.
I need that interest, common interest in some things
that drive me for us to be in common.
Like if you have a hobby,
you want to teach me about a hobby.
I don't know how to fish,
but I'll go learn how to fly fish
if you're really cool about it.
So what you're saying is you're,
one of your main attractions is intellectual,
stimulation, like that's just who you are.
It's a part of your personality.
You like intellectual attraction.
And so intellect and then his health issues,
you've been a caretaker before.
Okay, these are my thoughts.
I would like to see you spend more time talking to him
outside of going places with him
to see how that feels to you, not to keep you in it,
but just to give more time.
You're not conversating with him
or introducing these interesting conversations
to see how he can get to know him.
So you could just say,
I really like intellectually stimulating conversations.
And so I want to explore that part of who you are
as a person, like you can literally say that.
And so let's start talking with each other
a little bit more through the week
and see if we could do that, right?
You've been dating him three or four months
to be able to say you want to explore
a particular area, right?
And so, because you're not talking to him,
you don't get much exploration of it.
You only get the good times when y'all go hang out
and do something fun and he's fun to do things with.
Heather, I understand that there's a desire of yours
when you partner and marry somebody,
you want to have something in common with them,
especially at the core of who you are.
But you can marry a man who's a leader,
who's a protector, who's a provider,
who has something that you like being fun.
He may want to travel.
There can be some things that he may not have
that main thing that you have,
and you may have to build community outside of that man
for that, but not only that,
once he sees what makes you happy,
he could possibly start to pick up on those things.
That's not a promise, but I'm telling you
that all the time, if I want to speak
in the level of a husband, he doesn't have to be like you.
I don't think you're asking him to be just like you.
I believe that you like intelligent conversations.
I enjoy intelligent conversations.
And so if you're boring to me,
that's what my boring is going to say.
I am like you, I don't give you a plumber,
teach me how to be a plumber.
That's interesting to me.
I ain't never been a plumber before, it's fun.
So I wanted to just see what it would be like
after a week of intentionally having conversations with him,
sharing with him the direction you want to go
and see what you hear, see what he comes up with.
You lead in the conversation and see how he feeds out of it,
if he can join in, or if he's just super quiet
and has nothing to say.
And you may have tried that when you're out before
and it didn't go anywhere.
Like you said, you make your jokes,
but he doesn't really get them.
Well, it's okay if he doesn't get your jokes,
because one day, let's just say,
if it were to go somewhere, he'll know.
You ever heard a woman say,
I just go along with his jokes, he thinks they're so funny.
That's no different than you showing up,
being yourself and your husband doesn't say,
okay, could you stop it with that?
That's not funny.
Versus him letting you express yourself
and do your funny jokes while he's sitting in the company
of you because he enjoys you that much,
that he wants to hear your jokes that are not funny to him,
but are funny to you.
And you accept it in this space to be Heather.
Versus trying to squeeze that out of Heather.
Does that make sense?
To me, it makes no difference,
whether it's funny to you or you're my husband,
or do I care?
What is that being expressed that you have for him
I'm, I need to not always have to be the like, like some people
when he needs you?
And how do you build that effect to him?
never, they're always the planner, they're always the
When you don't care?
doer. And I need, and I need somebody to not to not be that
Because you don't care for another person.
person all the time. I never, I've always been the fixer. I've
It does.
It makes sense.
always been the person who has to take care whenever people
I think
fall apart. I don't want to have to be that person all the time.
And if I don't, like I have asked, I'm like, Well, what
books are you reading? Or what kind of things interest you? And
I, I try to lead with conversation when we've talked
on the phone, even just to let him, you know, offer anything
that is on his interest level, I don't, I do weird, you know, I've
my career has had me doing things that people don't usually
understand anyway. So I'm used to that. So I don't mind. But I
don't know how long you can do that. I'm going to try it more
than but if it doesn't, it's but it's one thing to then he starts
talking and I'm still not addressing.
But, but that's what you're trying to figure out. But let's
say, yeah, let's talk about some of the first thing that you say
does he who plans the dates as he plans today?
Um, I've, he has when I've asked him, I'm like, do you want to
think of things where we can both come up with some things
and we come up with fun things to do. So he does he offers and
jumped in and he brought up some really fun things to do and I
picked a couple and it's been fine for activities.
Okay. Um, you disappeared. I always throws me out when I'm
here. And so this is what I want to say. I want you to be
comfortable what you're doing. So I'm not saying to you, drag
yourself along and do something else. I was just going to try
for one week to see how he operates. And I understand that
you feel tired of bringing things up. But Heather, if he
doesn't read books, he doesn't read books. Right. Okay. And so
this may be, you may have tried this. I don't know, you can
tell me. So this is not me just saying, I'm learning through
you, right? You may say, Hey, I've tried to talk, what
interests you? Let's talk about what interests you. And if he
says, whatever you want to talk about, then you say to him, Hey,
listen, I'm trying to see if we are compatible intellectually,
that you, we both bring something to the table that
provides conversation as a woman conversing and talking is
important to me. And so this is what I'm doing. We've been
dating three or four months, and I would like to see how
compatible we are in this area. And I can lead the conversation,
but I would enjoy you leading and what you're going to measure
there, not that he leads you to a good conversation, but how he
shows up without your direction after you've expressed your
design, because that's a real measurement of a thing. And that
tells you more about a man than him doing exactly what you want
is that he keeps trying. This woman wants to measure. She
likes to talk. Let me come up with something to talk about.
Even if he has to go be creative and go to Google and come up
with topics, it's good to see that in a minute, because it
tells you that he is teachable, right? That he does that. But in
by any means, when you get done thinking about what we just see
it, and if in you, you say, I don't want to do it, don't. Go
ahead and come up with a way that you want to exit growing
with him, what you're going to say, and then close it out and
keep moving. The longer you hang on, the more you want to hang
on because you do have a fun time. But guess what? Now
there's going to be somebody else that you're going to have a
fun time with. But with whoever it is, there's not going to be
A, B, C, D, E, F, G. But there will be, does he have a
teachable heart? There will be, is he a leader? It will be, is
he a provider? Is he a protector? There will be some
core things there that are mandatory. And then you measure,
can they grow in these other areas? You measure, can a person
grow based on what you share to them vulnerably about what you
desire and what you need? And then watch it over time. You
give it, a man can do anything for a week now. They good at
that. They will show their feathers for a week. But you
kind of give it a little time. And so that's what I'm saying to
you. But if you, if none of these things, like you feel like
I've tried all that, I'm not going to do it. No pressure. No
pressure.
No, I appreciate that. I haven't tried all of that. I've tried
some things along that direction. But I just don't
want to also, you know, that's that thing, right? We're all
responsible for our emotional well-being. But I also don't
want to lead a person into a space, knowing that I can't join
them there. And then they are there. Because I didn't do my
due diligence and get out.
Yeah. And so your due diligence is to tell him what you're
doing. We've been dating for a while, I have so much fun with
you. But one thing that I am concerned about is
I am, my stimulation comes from intelligent conversations or however you want to say that.
You enjoy talking about things that bring knowledge and all such sorts, whatever you
want to say.
You're intelligent with words.
I know you'll know a way to say it.
And so say, I want to take the next couple of two or three weeks and just explore that
because I don't want us to move, try to keep moving forward if we're not going somewhere.
And I can sense your desires for me.
I understand that you do enjoy me and I enjoy our time together, but this is an important
piece to me.
And then you can always reiterate, I date with purpose.
And so I would never be a waster of your time or my time.
Vulnerability gets you far because it puts the cards out on the table.
So when you do have the other vulnerable conversation that says I've waited out and this is not
going to work best for me.
You're a great person and you know, but this is not going where this is not going to end
in a romantic relationship with us, which, what are your thoughts about what I just said?
You know, not you, but that's what you say.
That's how you have those conversations just in all in straight up vulnerability and you're
doing your part.
So ladies, I know I took a little more time with this.
Thank you.
That was very helpful.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
Let me know how it goes.
Okay.
I know I took a little more time, but I thought that was really, really good.
Now I think Felicia was next.
Where are you next Felicia?
Yep.
She was Crystal.
Okay.
Are you?
I'm not sure who was next.
Maybe.
I think it was you.
Do you want me to go?
Hi.
Well, first of all, I'm going to say I miss you.
I miss this Tuesday.
Where are you?
I don't see you.
Who, me?
Oh, there you are.
Oh, I'm going to miss this beautiful face.
I'm going to miss the voice.
I'm going to miss the coach.
Where are you going?
Well, I think it's time as I had said it a while back and Carla text me and kind of
tease me into it.
So I said, I think it's time to go on.
I don't want to, but I need to.
I don't think this character wise to keep holding up in this air when I can move on
and learn more.
Oh, to phase three.
Yes.
I thought you already went to phase three.
You know, you can always come over.
Oh, I can.
I never know that.
I thought when you go over, you can.
That was it.
Mandy's in phase three.
Oh, yeah.
And they come back to visit.
Huh?
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Now, I know.
I really do just appreciate you and the investment.
I do spend some time with Carla, but not much as you.
And just so much I have learned from you.
I walk around and just hear me and you.
Are you in me?
And I tell you, every time I come on coaching and I have to go back to dating, it's like
I'm challenged.
Yeah.
I am so challenged.
Yes.
I'm challenged.
Like, OK, how am I going to do this again?
How am I going to start over like I'm up here and I don't know how to come back down.
You know, but I want to also understand that, you know, he's not in coaching and I am.
So I'm going to hear things that he might not.
But you know, Brian is amazing.
He is.
And I did say yes to his exclusive.
But now I'm like, I'm missing.
No, I'm like that.
I start asking my question.
I don't know if it's normal, like, oh, I didn't get to date a lot of people before.
I wanted to do that.
Like, can I just can I just be that girl where I can just date some people and just get the
experience?
I don't know what that was like.
But I wanted to do it.
Do it.
Please.
Yeah, you did that.
Oh, you having a lockdown syndrome.
Now that you have the market, you like, oh, I read it with us on the market.
Oh, baby, you dated plenty of people.
Oh, my God.
And then you start talking about online.
I'm like, oh, God, I miss the fun of that.
I don't know if you guys remember, but Felicia wouldn't even do online dating, which is when
you tell me.
I don't know.
Ebony.
I don't know about that.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
I just don't know.
I hear what you're saying.
I'll think about it.
And then one day she's like, I did it.
I know.
Ebony is amazing.
Believe her.
Whatever she said about it.
It's exactly what we're going to learn.
I get to learn so much from it and I get to I love when you say I get to love love.
What did you say about that?
I'd write it.
I can't go back.
So online dating teach us to love who we are,
or love what we love.
Enjoy what we love.
Let me look.
I think if somebody else knows, will you put it in the chat?
Yeah, enjoy what we love.
Enjoy what we love.
Oh, we get to learn about, yes.
Learn about what we enjoy.
Learn about what we enjoy, exactly.
And my goodness, I get to learn.
Cause I might say, I didn't know what I like either.
I didn't, you know, I didn't know.
And I get to most of my, honestly,
my dating thing come from learning on online
and going on Facebook.
I could not get off Facebook.
Every time I try others, they just never work.
Facebook was it for me and it just worked for me.
It was really great.
But yeah, yes, I did say yes to him.
And you know, I can't find much that I can say
that I don't enjoy about Brian,
but there's one thing that's just kind of ticking at me.
And maybe you can help me with that,
is that he enjoys playing video game.
And I like to see the kid in him.
It's really nice when he does it
and I can sit and do my own stuff.
But he also liked to do the phone game too.
It's something he's been doing for years.
And I did ask him this question
that what's one of the hardest thing a woman will,
is challenge a woman about you, you know,
not liking or not enjoying.
And he said him playing his video games.
And I am wondering if it's, I'm very understanding.
And I know I can, I have my own hobbies
and I'm a busy girl all over the place too,
but I'm kind of wondering,
is that something that I will able to understand long-term?
Cause he enjoys it so much.
And one thing I want to say, he's emotionally present.
He's available.
He can be on that thing plane
and he hears everything I'm saying.
He knows when to get up and do something for me.
I mean, we work out together one day a week
and we also make a meal together one day a week.
And he's just present, but I'm just kind of wondering,
is this going to bother me long-term?
Is it?
I don't know.
I mean,
You do know, you know, you do.
It's either yes or no.
If you already have something on the inside of you
that says if a man plays video games,
it's kind of like grow up.
Like their thoughts, we think we don't know,
but we do know.
There's a thought you have about video games.
You measure how much time is he taking on the video game?
Because at some point,
you're going to want him to cut that video game off
and look you eye to eye.
Does he have the ability to do that?
It's not about what he can juggle
while he's playing the video game,
but at some point you're going to want that off eye to eye.
And if video games really do bother you at the core,
how many hours a day does he spend doing it?
And is he able to say,
okay, well, we're going on vacation
or this is not the time for that.
We need to deal with something.
So you can measure it by those things,
but you can be truthful.
For me, a man that plays video games,
for me, it's a turnout.
That's just for me, but it's not a deal breaker.
And because there's so many other measurements all around it.
So do you like it or not?
You can say yes or no.
Yes, I like it.
I mean, I like it.
I like it.
The one that he plays on the phone,
it helps him with his health benefit that he walks.
It makes him walk a lot.
So it does help him with that.
And he attach it to that.
So he can get up and go do his walk.
He walks a lot.
I work out a lot in the gym, he walks more,
but we're combining both of that together
where he work out one or two days with me
to do weight strengthening and I do walking too.
But I just was just thinking about it
if I think it's long-term,
if it's something that would be,
I would learn to understand.
Another thing, it's not about you learning
to understand though, Felicia.
It's about you deciding if I like it or not,
and am I willing to accept it?
If you keep saying, will you understand it?
That's what he likes to do.
Okay, okay, yeah.
It's not about do you understand why he likes it?
Because at some point you're gonna want him
to prove it to you or tell you why he likes it so much.
If you're trying to understand it.
You don't have to understand it to accept it.
It's either do you accept it or not?
Yeah, so how do I know that?
How do I, I mean-
You know right now.
Oh, now, okay.
You know right now if you like it or not.
Do you like it, yes or no?
I mean, I like it.
I do like it because I don't know how to be the kid.
I never know how to be that kid and to enjoy things
and to just rest my brain and stop always worrying
about what's the next, you know, I just don't know how
and I think it will help me how to just relax.
And I just don't know how to do that.
Cause I've never do the kid stuff when I was growing up.
Does he, yeah, but y'all are not kids anymore.
Okay.
Bear that in mind, does he operate in purpose?
Oh, he is, he does.
Okay, so it's not a lack of when you see him
on the video game, you're thinking,
can't you be doing something else better with your time?
So he does operate in purpose,
not purpose and intentionality toward you,
but in his own life.
Does he have purposeful things that he's doing?
Yeah, he does.
Okay, and so that's one thing.
And then another thing is I have a friend,
her and her husband are very happily married
and he is a gamer.
And he's on the game, she being on the phone with me,
doing what she like, you know what I'm saying?
And it doesn't bother her at all that he's a gamer.
She accepts that he enjoys gaming.
That's how him and his sons bond, over gaming.
But he does not let one thing slack or lack in the house.
He cooks all the meals, he's always very present.
They do fun things together.
He doesn't choose a game over his family.
Right.
And so when you think about it, like she's not a gamer.
No, that's not what she likes or what she's into,
but she lets him have his hobby.
She lets him do the things that he likes to do.
And so that's just the way that it is.
So I don't want you to fight for understanding
more so saying, I may, I don't know.
That's his thing.
That's what you're saying, can I live with it?
If you can accept that that's the thing he likes to do,
you can live with it.
But if the thing that he does controls
all other parts of his life,
then that's gonna be hard for you to live with.
Well, of course, of course, of course, I do.
I do understand that.
Yeah, and so that's what I'm saying.
I know it's like, it is kind of cut and dry though.
It's not understanding, it's whether you accept it or not.
Even if you say I don't accept it and he's worth it,
you find a way to accept it.
Well, that's what I'm saying, right.
I do understand.
And I just love you so much
because you just give me a highlight.
I do.
You know, because you know, as a woman,
I can just think, do I understand it?
Am I gonna live with it?
Will I tolerate, you know, all that stuff we're going on
with, because that's what I'm saying.
Is it gonna be a problem?
Is it one thing I can accept?
And then later on, I'm like, okay, I don't like this thing.
You know, that's not, that's not right.
You know?
Yeah, it's gonna be real hard.
Right.
So you helped me to, to understand this.
And I think basically that's just one of the things
I was thinking about.
And he get to, like I said, bond with his kids with it.
My kids, they're gamers too.
And let me tell you, they're excited to meet him
because I used to throw their things away
and they're like, no mom, you understand.
Oh, see, oh, this is interesting then.
Yeah, my two girls, my two girls love that.
And they, they, they already like, you know,
just like, oh mom, no, you will understand it.
Cause I used to just take their stuff
and throw it in the trash when it's in my couch.
I didn't understand it.
Like get it out of my couch.
I need to sit.
So basically that's it.
So I did say yes to him, but that was one of my concern.
And, and sometime I don't know if I'm, I don't know.
Sometime I'm like, I'm like high and I'm low
and it kind of bothers him.
He said, he don't know when I'm low, what's going on.
He's like all over the place.
And I, I don't communicate.
I never knew that I, I thought I was a communicator.
He said, I don't communicate with him
and let him know what's going on.
Then he's like, what did he do?
I mean, did I, did I quit on him?
You know, I never know it was so bad
when I get either high or low,
I don't have that balance, that middle place
where I'm either in or out.
Yeah.
And one thing you can tell him is that,
hey, I never even knew I showed up like this.
Thank you for pointing out,
but I want you to know that if I do show up low
and there's something happening with you and I,
I want you to be assured that I honor you enough
to tell you what the problem is
and I wouldn't leave you out to dry.
So that means he needs assurance
because he believes in how you show up
is something about him.
He doesn't have a coach
and he probably hasn't gone through any type of healing
and hard work for that.
It creates a codependency.
So you're, you're like this,
then he's learned that this has something to do with me.
But you can tell him, hey,
I honor you so much as a man
and the way you've shown up in my life,
that if it was ever something about you,
I know that you want to know
and I'll tell you,
even if I have to write it in a text message.
So just know I'm learning how to balance out myself.
So he needs some assurance in that area.
Right.
And we did something like what you said.
I did let him know that.
And we talk about one thing,
we can talk about anything and I love that about him.
He's so adaptable.
We can work through things and we can talk through things
and that's great.
That's really a-
I'm gonna put my shoes on top, Brody.
Let's see.
I need the help.
I need the help to continue still.
So I'll go to see Jackie
and I'll come back to you when I need.
Oh, I'm crying.
Help.
No, we're so excited for you to leave here.
Thank you so much.
And I'll see you when I will see you again.
Thank you.
See you again.
You're welcome.
Okay.
I got, I don't know.
Was it Kim?
Was it you next Kim?
Was it Joanne next?
Crystal though.
Go Crystal.
Hey, appreciate the time.
Hey, yeah, really like to hearing for Felicia and Heather and just gaining insights.
So my question is, um, I'm not, it's not a relationship, but I've started talking with
a guy and it, it really kind of just started out.
We were in the same conference together for a week and he made a suggestion on some other
things that he thought I might benefit from, but they've been like two hour conversations.
I don't, I'm not feeling like romantic interest.
My concern is sometimes I've done this before in the past where it's not at first and then
it is sense.
So I'm, I'm thinking, should I guard my heart now?
Um, do I continue in these conversations?
Do I limit them?
Um, no, what you do is you say he starts at one way, but he also ends up another way with
romantic conversations.
Even though he does, no, no, no, no.
He right now, it's friendship.
It's not, there's not romantic conversations.
I'm saying what happens in my heart sometimes is that I start out in conversations and you
know, it's like, Hmm, he's a friend.
And then I'm further down and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm romantically interested in him.
And I've had two hour conversation, two hour conversations, but at the start I don't feel
that way.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
So I'm thinking, okay, do I guard my heart now?
I don't know if it's going to romantically, if there's going to be an interest later on,
but right now I just feel a friendship towards him.
I feel, I appreciate his advice, his counsel, um, some of the things that he's referred
me to.
Um, but I'm also like, Hmm, you've done this before where you've had conversations and
then further down the road, you're, Oh my gosh, I like this guy.
And I like him as a friend.
I don't, I don't, I guess I don't know him well enough to say there's a romantic interest.
There's, I just don't know him that well.
How long have you been talking to him?
Um, it was in January, so it hadn't been that long.
We were at a conference.
We were at a conference for a week.
It was a week long conference.
Yeah.
I saw him every day.
We talked every day and then afterwards, um, he called and said, I'm just checking on you.
See how you're doing.
Oh, so he likes you.
Well, I, I honestly, I don't know.
I, I feel like he has a lot of friends and he checks up on people, but he does that with,
I mean, there was a couple there, he calls them and he's, he's like, Hey, I want to encourage
you crystal, you know, to, to build a solid tribe around you and have people that are
speaking into your life.
And, um, so I'm just kind of, I've just known in the past, I have, um, had conversations
and it felt like friendships and then further down, it's like, because I guess the more
you get to know somebody, then you find out, Hey, oh my gosh, I do like you.
And then what do you do at that juncture?
Right.
This is what you do.
So I hear you.
What happens when you're talking to a person and getting to know them and y'all start out
as friends and you're like, Oh, I think I could be interested in liking him.
The first moment you sense that the first moment you've made a pattern out of talking
to this person, you can't wait till they call or you're waiting on them to call.
Like all these patterns, they happen, right?
They develop.
So what you need to do is you have to tell them like, I've been talking to you so much.
I think that there is an interest beyond friendship here.
Um, would you like to, uh, is this something that you feel the same way about?
And they're going to say yes or no.
And if they say yes, you'll say, well, let's grab a cup of coffee and kind of see, you
know, let's talk about it.
If they say no, say, okay, this completely acceptable.
And you can tell them beforehand, like no pressure.
I'm going to say something to you and there's absolutely no pressure for you to respond
a way that I want you to respond.
But as I've been getting to know you as a friend, you're a really.
I think that you're a pretty great guy, and I would like to know you or get to know you
beyond friendship.
Is this something you will be interested in?
And then you repeat, like I said, there is no pressure.
You won't hurt my feelings.
Then he's going to say yes or no.
If he says no, say thank you so much for being honest and say, now, don't take this the wrong
way, but because I am a woman and I've found out that I like you, I'm going to have to
cut back our conversations because I like you, and so that's not going to work.
So I have to take the necessary steps to savage the friendship that we have while also dealing
with my feelings of liking you so they won't move forward.
Okay.
That sounds really good.
And that's how you handle that, and that's just how you show up authentically yourself.
Yeah, because I don't want to go in guarded.
I don't know.
Recently there was an exposure of this one prophet and then somebody else, and I went
to bed that night after watching a series of things and just crying and praying and
saying, you know, all these people in my life started popping up that had deceived me.
And the next morning the Lord took me to Genesis.
He said, look at Laban, look at Rebecca and look at Jacob because they were all deceivers.
I don't want you to focus on the deceivers.
I want you to focus on me and I'll walk you through it.
And so that's why I'm kind of like, Father, I almost feel like I'm wanting to guard my
heart in advance and it's like, but I want to live authentically.
So I appreciate your answer.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
That's really good word that the Lord gave you.
And I think this would be good for you because just because there are people in the world
who deceive and betray, we don't have to take the option of not showing up as ourselves.
Vulnerability, not telling somebody about your business vulnerability, but vulnerably
showing up as yourself actually guards you against betrayal.
It actually guards you against someone taking advantage of you because you're showing up
as yourself.
And when something is off kilter, you are able to detect it and say, Hey, you just did
that.
It felt strange.
Some boundary was crossed.
I'm not sure what it is right now, but let's not do that thing again until I discover what's
happening.
That's the, that's what vulnerability gets you.
Okay.
One other thing, Ebony.
So as you were sharing that, I tried to record it and I don't think it recorded because you'll
say things in here and I'm like, brilliant.
And then I'll get off the call and I'll go, what did she say?
No.
Yeah.
So is this taped?
Like can you?
It is recorded.
You can go back.
What you can do is if you don't want to hear all this, so listen through the whole thing.
One thing you can do is you can post it on the wall and tell me to give you their response.
Okay.
And just put on there, Hey Ebony, tell me how I, whatever.
Tell a person that I'm becoming emotionally attached and then I'll type it out in the
thing.
Awesome.
Okay.
That's all.
All right.
Sounds good.
All right.
Great.
You're welcome.
Okay.
And Crystal was next.
Was it Kim after Crystal?
Joanne and then Kim.
Thank you.
Everyone's keeping up with this.
Great.
Joanne, tell us about the day where you showed up as yourself.
Oh yeah.
It was good.
Um, yeah, it was really good.
I'm just, yeah, it was good.
I, it was, it was really interesting because, cause I'm a singer and at the end it was so
interesting cause I, I bumped into, um, the guy who backs me up playing guitar and it's
my home, hometown.
Like I know everybody.
And so he was with me, Jay.
And then, so then I ended up singing and it was so interesting cause I'm like singing
four love songs and I'm like, okay, I try to look at you, but not look at you.
And I don't want to be, you know, cause it was our first day.
Um, it went well and I actually gave him some feedback cause he, he was very interested.
Um, and basically I've had, I have a few talks with him afterwards.
Like he's a really good guy.
I just noticed he wasn't really asking me many questions and like he would interject
like when he did ask me a question that he would bring back to himself.
But when I told him, Hey, I noticed that this is something I need a guy who's a good listener.
He actually took that really well and appreciated.
He's showing me that he's a very teachable guy.
Yeah.
My concern is more like two things. I would say I tend to have an issue with
pacing. I tend to get attached too quickly. Especially when guys are
showing interest like straight up. Like basically he's like ready to be
exclusive with me. Who? This guy. After one day he wants to be exclusive. I don't
think he means I want to be your we're ready to be boyfriend-girlfriend but
he's not like I want to see other women. You know he's more like I want to just
see you and he really he's really interested in me. So which is scary but
also like flattering and I've noticed like we've had some really good
conversations since and I feel like it pulls me in but then it also activates
kind of the anxious attachment tendencies. How long have y'all been
getting to know each other? Oh it's so short. I mean like well we started
talking a month ago but I was sick and so he waited for like a month before we
can get on a video. So everything was through the app and I was just like you
know getting to know him through you know questions and stuff and I met him
for the first I mean I video called we video called last Friday and then we met
up Saturday but we've been talking almost every day. That's a lot. It's like
actually a lot. Today I haven't really talked to him much it was just like one
quick yeah but that activates my attachment style where I'm like oh my
gosh like because I've had really bad experience with guys being really really
intense and feeling like I'm the one and like they're just like whether I'm the
one or not the one they're just really intense and want to pursue me you know
and they're very clear that they like me so it kind of like it triggers some
fears in me like oh I this feels so good but is this really true is this really
real and this is so early. I you know so I feel a little conflicted and then also
like I'm also kind of wondering too about him because he he's been divorced
only a year and a half and I just don't know how healed he is like he's very
motivated to get married again and and he's how long was he married oh a long
time 23 years right so person who's been married is used to being married they're
not used to having girlfriends yeah he doesn't know another way he had a wife
for 23 years yeah so his mind is not seeing another Avenue another way he
wants a wife so I'm just telling you so you don't have to fear it you can bring
balance because that's what he knows it's a wife yeah I don't know how to
because I have a problem I mean I told her I don't I'm not ready for
exclusivity I told him that I'm not ready and I said that you know I may
still go on other dates and he didn't like that but you know and no that was
good you told him that yeah let me let me add this to what you're saying Crystal
X is one in a wife the same as marriage-minded yes the same as
marriage-minded but marriage-minded comes with wisdom but yes that's me he's
this person is marriage-minded yeah yeah so Joanne because I'm about to spew
things out to say back so what's your question because I want to stay within
the confines of whatever your question is you're gonna ask me oh you can say
stuff it's just how do I pace myself well with the situation and be I think I
tend to be back and forth back and forth where I'm like I like this but I'm
scared but I don't even know how I feel why do I need this reassurance from him
I'm just like I think I'm like is this too is like I'm discerning is this
intense is this a bad pattern or is this like I don't know I'm not sure
yes Ernie I'm discerning okay so we you don't have to discern right now we can
actually just operate out for wisdom okay so that anxiousness in you when
somebody wants you is actually an inside job you have to remind yourself that you
are desirable and that people do want you and that you want yourself because
you get excited because a man wants you that means you something you didn't
believe that you're wantable
Attracted. Oh, it's like they chose me. They chose. That's a real thing
Most all women have that thought you want me you chose me even though you know
You talk to people that want you even though you know all these things
There's something that jumps and leaps on the inside of you. He wants me
He already wants me. He likes me. And so you have to take that language and normalize it and say, of course, he will want me
Of course he desires me I'm fun. I'm attracted
I I'm intelligent and so you have to remind yourself of those truths about yourself
And it's the same thing the reason why friends want to be around you
It's the same reason why people like your company because of who you are
That way you won't be floating away because he wants you and then the second thing is you don't have to you don't need
Jesus to give you a message when
Within the
Program that you in they've already given you boundaries to operate with you
And so, you know by wisdom that you guys don't know each other well enough yet
That's why you told him no to exclusivity
And so what you're gonna do is, you know that he's ready for that
He's been married 23 years so we can understand his readiness does not indicate, right?
His readiness doesn't do that it just says he'd had a learn pacing
But you know how to pace and so then the first thing you might not do it
But this is how you do it
If you choose to do it you cut back how much you're talking to him if you feel yourself getting attached in you take back
Talk time you intentionally put yourself under order so that you can pace yourself
Emotionally because it's not gonna drop out of the sky
This man is like a dog on the hunt right now
He use his nose take him everywhere. You know how doggies when they smell some that's it. He's been a man
So you cannot allow him being a man to dictate to you how you're gonna show up
You have to honor and respect who he is and who he's being and then honor and respect the order that you set for your life
And so you're gonna pace and if you find the more you talk to him the more you like him
You're gonna say the more I talk to you the more I like you and wisdom tells me that this is too fast
So this is what we're gonna do
I'll talk to you today and then we'll skip a day. Don't text me. I won't respond
Just like that
I'll talk to you the next day and we're gonna cut our time back to 30 minutes
And stick with it. Do not cross your own boundary at the moment. You do it. You're gonna continue to do it
So that means if you gotta find somebody else to put in their spot to talk to do it
I guarantee you if you stick with it, even a week is gonna slow down the process. You're gonna you're gonna feel the ship
Under order is my
Deidre is a law I created for myself. I caused myself to submit to order so I may operate in order
That's just a law that I designed
that's language for myself, so you won't hear that language, but
If you don't submit to order you won't operate in order
I feel like I need structure, but I don't want to sound legalistic. Hey, so here is the plan, dude
Well, you can call it you can call it legalism if you want I call it having wisdom
and so if
Wisdom is offered to you joanne and you want to slow down the pacing of your emotional development for a person
Then you need to do what wisdom is saying to you all these ideas of well
I don't want to sound like a legal who cares if you sound like a legalist
You're trying to guard your heart without diligence
So you won't make you won't fumble on something that doesn't have to be fumbled on
And so what has to happen is open real conversations
They say this is what's happening. And this is what i'm going to work to prevent to take care of me
And then you get to see someone honor
you
And once you can see that a person doesn't honor you that makes you wonder what that's why you can't break your own rules
Because you want to measure him honoring your decision you do it for one week do it for a second week
Until you slow the pace say I am slowing the pace
for me
And this is what i'm doing and that's what you can do
But if you continue at this pace, you keep talking lots of hours every day. It's not going to slow down
It's going to increase and it's going to take your ability to judge wisely off the table
So do you think it's okay for me to just say hey, let's let's see what your our weeks are like
Why don't we plan certain times this week to talk like once or twice this week?
I think no, I think what you need to say is
This emotional pace that we're going to is too fast for for me to determine
If I want to keep going in this relationship, why do you avoid truth? That's what you're doing like oh
can I just say it like this? What's wrong with that language that I just gave you?
Like, this is what's happening and this is what I'm going to do.
When you hear me say that, what do you hear? Like, what do you feel?
I think this is what I've been working with my therapist is like, I feel way too responsible
about losing connection. Like, I'm going to lose, if I say that it's going to lose connection.
Okay. And what happens if you lose connection?
It's like my fault.
And what happens if it's your fault?
What are you losing though?
You're losing connection, but what else are you, what happens? He stops talking to you?
Yeah, I guess so. No, no, no conversation or no attention or...
And what happens when, oh, what happens when he stops giving you attention? You don't get it
anymore because you like how he wants you, right? You like that he wants you.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah. There's nothing wrong with liking it, right? And so this is how it works.
It is a fear issue and it comes from some of those buckets that we talked about earlier.
You've got to narrow down and feel them on your own.
A man pursuing you or wanting you or desiring you is feeling something for you.
You, it is a good feeling when somebody chooses you. I'm not taking away from that.
I know how that it's not just a feeling. It is a fulfillment of something within you,
but it should not be a fulfillment beyond the judgment of wisdom.
This situation you have going on is not going to go away.
So you remember, I don't know if you won the call last time and I'm going to wrap this up,
but you remember when I said there are some things to boundaries,
there are things that come in and steal your ability to, to, to operate in boundaries.
One was a scarcity in mindset. The other one was not feeling worthy of love or
abandonment or rejection, right? These are one of the thieves that are robbing you of boundaries
because you can't even set the boundary because you're too attached to a fear or you're too
attached to, but they're giving me what I long for. So how do we do that? We deal with the thing
we're longing for. We deal with that issue. And at the same time, because you have me in your ear
and I'm your coach, you set the boundary. Just like I say, like take care is really about taking
care of myself, right? It is. But in the meantime of taking care of yourself, you need to set the
boundary. I don't want to move away from that point for you, Joanne, because this is something
you need to do. If you've never done it, let's practice. This is the purpose of this phase.
Practice for the first time, use the language I gave you, go out on the limb, see what a vulnerable
conversation produces for you. It shows the other person that you value them,
that you value them enough to share the truth with them, and that you have a plan to guard
your heart. And while you're doing that, it's going to give you enough space to breathe,
to deal with the Joanne that longs for this attention, that longs to be sought after.
Sought after and deal with in-house and find a way, whatever, get to the root or whatever,
which we just got to some roots, deal with the lies. Let's uproot the lies and let's put some
truth in and keep working by that truth so that when the lie comes up again, you can insert the
truth again. It's going to take a while to get used to this, but this is the best time for you
to start the prison. So you think it's wisdom and loving to meet in that person to say,
hey, I don't think it's healthy for me and wise to talk every day. I did already tell him that I
don't really want to talk every day. This is a little too much. And he agreed like on the phone,
um, but it was kind of like open-ended. Okay. We'll just talk like a text or something. But
I think I need to say, I have to figure out what is comfortable for me. Like I need to slow it
down. This looks like this amount of frequency probably let's try this, you know, this would
be, let's try this, you know, do, do you think I should even say, I know I'm trying to practice
because this is an area that I'm growing into, or is that too much information?
You can say that I am a, I'm a, I try to be very vulnerable. And so you're asking a very
vulnerable person. I lay the cards out on the table and this is what it is. This is how I
operate. Like, Hey, this is what's happening. I want to practice pacing. Cause I really want
to get to know you well, whatever you want to say. And so see, like, I do have, if we talked.
I think our emotions will get ahead of ourselves more than you think your emotions will get ahead of you. No, we
Don't sign we to him. This is about you
Okay. Okay, just ownership. My emotions may go ahead of what what?
Being you have wise make wise decisions about whether or work, you know get fit or something like that, right?
So yes, so slow down the pace so I can feel
like you know, what's
So I am slowing I don't want to do anything I am slowing down the pace
So that I can get to know you better
That's the goal
No, so it's not what do you think we should do? And so then you say this is what I am going to do. I
Am going to talk to you on Mondays
Wednesdays and Friday Fridays
The times that I have available are these days what times work best for you?
Because then it doesn't sound legalistic if you've explained on the front end what's happening
but please stay clear we statements make this about I
Write that when you make our statements it lets a person know this is not up for negotiation. I'm doing what's best for me
And it also sets a standard that Joanne does what's best for her
That means when you come into Joanne's life, you better know that she's guarding what's best for her
You better know that she weighs the options of what's gonna serve her best because she protects and guards her time
She protects and guards herself. She protects and guards her emotions
She protects and guards her heart see a lot of times we're afraid to do something, but you don't understand what it says about you
It says that you're a woman of wisdom
And that you're honorable woman because you sit down to tell the truth
Yeah, try it's gonna be so much fun
Okay, okay you gonna try all right who yeah
Kim
Hello, hello, how are you?
I'm good. Well, I posted on the wall and you just said something about I'm packing up
We probably don't have time for all that. Also, I'm gonna say is he's out of town this week. Today's five months and
When he gets back in town, I'm gonna have to nail him down on the marriage thing so
Because but when you said that like I know it takes some time
But I just don't want him to think that means I want to marry you right now
But I'm just I need to know whether he's marriage minded. So
If he's not I'm gonna have I told him that already that if he's not marriage minded
I'm gonna have to start seeing other people again. Like that's I'm just gonna have to get back to
to dating again
what you really want to do, but
But I have to because that's what's my end goal. So your goal is marriage and so you can tell him
You can X and we've been dating for five months at some point. You guys need to make it official that you're exclusive
I'm not really comfortable with this unsaid exclusivity. Um, Kim and
I'm concerned that you are avoiding it as well
Because you don't really know if you want to be in or out and so it's gonna force you to give an answer
Uh-huh
Because this shouldn't be an unheard thing and you keep going because the more you keep going the more attached you become the more you're investing
So you're willing to do that, but you don't want to put something like nail it down
Well, you have to make decisions too and
You the conversation needs to be had. Are you marriage minded and when would you like to be married because I can't I don't
You shouldn't be somebody he knows what he wants
He knows what he's gonna do and that decision has to be made and you need to know and so and say also
We haven't determined if we're exclusive or not. You haven't invited me to that conversation
Yeah, he's an older guy, I mean, yeah, he's exclusive I mean we're exclusive now
It's just been unspoken like I mean he immediately went there but like kind of like what you know
He immediately decided I
Right, you know the person he wanted. Yes, he had been married for a long time
So so exclusivity leads to marriage if you're not if it's loose
Exclusivity is not the end goals not marriage and there's no point of being exclusive
And so when you talk with him
You need to have a conversation about what he desires your desire is marriage and you need to know
Is there also his desire and if so, what is his timeline for that?
This is cuz you're exclusive now. So this is business
Right? Because I know you enjoy him, but you want to be married. And that's just the way
it is. And if he's not, if he's not going to go, if he's not going to do it, then it's
a.
Well, I mean, yeah. So if he says, you know, I'm still considering that, like I said, he's
been considering it. I think he has, but no, you need an answer. He needs an, okay.
That man know what he want to do the same way he knew what he wanted to do when he put
his eyes on you and he kept pursuing you and he's still talking to you. You need to know
that's your response to him. No, as you've said, you've been considering, I need your
answer because I want to be married and it doesn't matter if he thinks you want to be
married tomorrow.
Kim, you 70, you should want to be married tomorrow. He 83. When y'all going to get married
two years from now, you ain't 22 and 27. You should want to be married in six, seven,
eight months. You guys are wise enough to, to make some decisions. This is not that you're
it's not that, um, you, you should have a desire to want to turn over and be in the
bed with him to have sex with him. That's what you do. That's one part of marriage.
You're not getting any younger. You are operating in discipline. You are keeping yourself pure.
You're going through this process because you're trusting God for your love story. And
so you're not on a sailboat. Just want to get sailed away in the wind. No, no, no. So
he needs to give you an answer. A real solid answer. Don't, don't be in that conversation
without your answer. Okay. So when it gets back in town, we're going to have that talk.
I'll find that out. I'll be letting y'all know. Okay. Let us know. I'm rooting for him.
Oh, he has a good man. That's for sure. If he's not my husband, I mean, he's going to make,
he'll make somebody happy. He's a good guy. Yeah. Well, good. Okay. All right. Thank you.
You're welcome Kim. Um, who, who's next? Mandy Benzema.
I don't think you have Mandy and zero Mara. Okay. Michaela, where you know? Well,
I don't think you were before Mandy, but okay. Okay. Sorry. I don't, I don't know.
Okay. Go Mandy. Hey Mandy. Hey. Okay. My voice is going out. I've been sick for like two weeks.
Hold on Mandy. Michaela, wait a minute. One second. Michaela said she had to get out. Give me
one second. I'm not. She can go. I'm not thinking. Michaela, what is it? What was your question right
quick? And I can see if I can answer it right quick. Um, it's okay. I had posted something
in the chat. And so if you just want to respond on the chat, that's fine too. No,
I want to respond right now. Uh, I took a screenshot of it. I don't want to take
a turn. I don't want to jump in front. You're not taking her turn. You're not taking her turn.
Just hold up. It's fine. Thank you so much. Yes, yes, yes. So, so yes. So you realize your
awareness came that you avoid me because of all these things you learned about yourself
and also that you avoid me, right? This is you. And also you avoid me because you don't want to
feel that rejection. Is that right? Yeah. Right. So we're trying to avoid disappointment at all
costs, which keeps you single and even more disappointed. And you got to just get your hopes
up and let the Lord help you. So this is what, if you haven't done this, you, you want to clearly
identify the lies that you're believing. God is not going to uproot the lies for you. You're going
to uproot the lies and you're going to find a truth to replace it with. And the reason why you
is it's important that you do it. If you haven't done it, I'm not saying you haven't, you have,
yes, but I'm just walking it all the way through. It's important that you do it because they're
going to keep coming up. You live by these lies. Life has shaped these things. You're going to be
suspicious. You're going to think things you have to constantly go back to the truth because living
in the truth is what makes you free and keeps you free from disappointment, right? Disappointment
is an expectation that you set within yourself. People can tell you lots of things, but you don't
have to make that your expectation, because you know, this truth that you're a fruit inspector
and you get to know people not by what they say, but by what they do and how they behave and
operate. So you don't have to be suspicious because you know, in time, all things will
show themselves to be true, right?
And so that's why you have to get the truth that you hold on
to, Makayla, so that you can work your way
through the process of the first person you talk to,
work yourself through the process of the next person
that you talk to.
There's not going to be a single person that
comes along and erases all of these horrible things
that you think are going to happen, and make all of your
dreams and fears go away.
Because every single person is human.
The beauty of a marriage is that where they fall short,
you hold them up and say, I choose you anyway.
You just hurt me to the core of who I am.
But there's enough good in you for me not to abandon you.
I value you.
I honor you.
Because when you chose him, you chose
a man that was mature, masculine, and marriage minded.
And so what you want to do now that you've
come to a place of awareness and you get the truth
about the lies you believe, you want
to work your way into dating.
But I don't want you to just work your way
into dating blindly.
I want you to know that based on who you are
and how life has cultivated you, what
you have to keep working over and over and over in your mind
until it reaches to your heart and you produce your own fruit.
It's not going to change the process.
It is tedious, but it's going to change you for the long haul.
Because your husband is going to hurt your feelings a lot.
He's going to disappoint you a lot.
Because part of marriage is to make you
more holy than it is happy.
So you're going to have to practice forgiveness more time
than you can count even now.
And you're going to have to work through hard things
and brokenness and expectations and things
you thought were going to be, and they're just not.
And you're going to still have to learn how to show up.
And so what you do now is preparing you
for what it will be.
And so I want to encourage you, and this was a lot for me
to post to say, but I want to encourage you
to narrow down your truth.
And yes, you're not just going to get your hopes up.
You're going to go in with a plan.
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
That's good feedback.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
OK, great.
Thank you for hanging in there.
Yeah, no problem.
Thanks for hanging with me.
Yeah.
OK, Mandy.
Hey, y'all, our last three is going to be like a rodeo.
It's 8 57.
The only reason I'm able to stay up this long, y'all,
I'm telling you because we didn't have school today
because of the wonderful ice.
But go ahead, Mandy.
Thank you, Jesus.
That's why I'm on here, because I have a two-hour delay
tomorrow.
Oh, put your question into a message to me.
Go ahead, Mandy.
OK.
OK, so real quick, I've been taking my online dating
break since September.
I know we are now almost in February,
but this is where I'm at.
The online dating thing has been really hard,
so I think it's interesting that we are
discussing online dating today.
I'm really trying to pray into it
because I have a disgust for online dating now.
And it's really hard for me to ever want to go back.
But I also feel like, well, God, I tried it.
It didn't work.
I'm never going to do it again.
However, I had a conversation with a guy
for the first time since September
that I met on Facebook.
And I liked what he was posting.
And so he added me or whatever.
And I was like, I don't even know who this guy is,
so let me actually look at his stuff.
And he seemed pretty like, you know,
and like always talking about God,
all the things he's saying sounds
like the things I agree with.
Anyway, we had a conversation.
And I'm just realizing I go, I am so open with myself
because I don't have guilt. I don't have shame of my past.
I do this with friendships and relationships.
And I know they're like, don't tell a stranger your business.
But I tell strangers my business.
Like, I don't have, this is my problem.
And I'm like, how do I not be
who what I've been my whole life?
Like, there's something wrong with this, I know.
But how do I be like surfacy with people?
Because my thing is like, I've always loved
deep conversations.
I love intellectual conversations.
Yeah, I don't know the whole open book thing.
That's me with men and women.
And I don't know.
So I'm like, I literally, I really need prayer,
I think, in this area.
Your advice would be awesome too.
But like, I don't know how to do this.
And I think this is actually an issue.
Yeah, one reason why you should, I've
been watching you on YouTube, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
When you post, it comes up.
Because I think I subscribe.
But anyway.
Oh, thank you.
So you're welcome.
So that may be one reason why you share so much.
Because you share so much on social media platforms.
I pray it helps people, though, too.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah.
But I'm just saying, that could be your balance of restraint.
why you find it challenging to restrain yourself
because you're used to sharing things
that encourage and motivate people.
That's one thing.
So when we can identify the reason
why we may do something, it helps a lot
because you won't keep beating yourself up
saying you got to change it.
It helps you channel, right?
So the next thing, Amanda,
is you have to submit to the order of wisdom.
Okay.
And you can't be unwilling to submit to wisdom
because wisdom tells me that people are,
that you know people over time.
And it's true.
You're an onion, Mandy.
You could tell them a lot about you,
but they're not going to know you
until they experience you.
Right.
And when you meet a guy,
I want you to have this experience right here.
The experience should be,
I can't wait to talk to Mandy again
so I can get to know more about her.
Okay.
I'm excited to know more about Mandy
because you have pasted enough
that they want to come back for more.
So one of the things in me doing one-on-one coaching,
if anybody's done one with me before,
because I want to see women empowered and grow,
it'll be, you know, well over time.
And I'm still doing it.
It's not because I'm not aware.
It's because I want them to get all of this goodness,
but it's only so much you can process at one time.
Right?
It's only so much a person can take in.
And so I can be like a water hose,
spewing things out,
but it doesn't mean it's absorbable.
And so there's one thing you keep in mind.
Another thing is,
oh, good night, Deidre.
I'm going to miss you.
I like your ponytail.
So that's it.
So the thing is,
what did you go, Mandy?
You have to submit to the order of wisdom
and wisdom tells you you get to know people over time.
Let wisdom guide your tone.
Okay.
Do you think you can do that, Mandy?
I mean, I'm going to pray about it.
I know the Lord revealed it to me
because I was just pondering on it today.
And that's what I feel like God brought up to my mind
was just like,
I overshare
so easily.
And I first thought it was a strength,
but it's not,
because then I'm like telling them everything about me.
And yeah, I'm onion and all the things,
but then I'm also like,
but they don't need to know that.
Like not every guy needs to know my testimony.
No, it is true.
And I think that you're a woman of community,
but if you're not,
say those things for your community.
Yeah.
Do you share in community?
I mean, my community has definitely gotten very small,
but yeah, I don't feel like I need it.
Yeah, it's just a weird,
I don't know, Ebony, it's weird.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't have an exceptional case, Mandy.
You have a case that you don't submit to order and wisdom
and you need more community
so that you can take your pearls
and give them to people who value and honor you
and who know you.
And so I want you to build more community
because I am telling you,
more community you have,
the less you get in front of a man
that does not know you, value you, honor you,
has not grown to a place of stewardship yet.
Of the things that you share,
you will not do it because you have another outlet.
Right.
Just like if you talk to more than one man at a time,
one man cannot get the best of you
because you're spreading yourself thin.
Same thing's gonna happen when you develop a community
and someone that you can talk to,
a woman that gets you on your level,
or it could be a guy or a person
that gets you on your level.
They can stimulate,
they can talk to you on your level of ministry,
talk to your level of understanding.
It's a beautiful thing.
Yeah.
So the Bible says in the book of James,
if any man lacks wisdom, let him ask of the Lord
and he will give it to him liberally and without reproach.
And so when you ask for wisdom,
he will pour it out on you as necessary.
And it's also gonna be necessary for you, Mandy,
in ministry, if I just may cross over for you,
because it's gonna be necessary that you understand wisdom
and how to share, what to share and when to share.
And you need the Lord to bridle your tongue
and you need to submit to the bridling of your tongue
because this is going to be very necessary
and it's gonna cause you to stop.
It's gonna help you not put yourself in situations
where you're hurt, where you're abandoned
and where you're abused and that comes under wisdom.
You don't need a supernatural work, you need wisdom.
Yeah.
And I'm telling you from me, I've been where you are
and I've had to learn to submit to the order of wisdom.
Okay.
And so it is the key.
There are things I've.
wanted to share it. And I was like, wow, I really overdid it. Oh, wow. And I had to
submit to wisdom and say, teach me when and how. And in any time when you don't know,
just be quiet. You can never go wrong with being quiet.
What if somebody just asked you like straight up about like, you know, we talked about like
about the baby daddy thing like, and just say, that's a great conversation for when I get to
know you better. Just, you know, leave it like that.
Yeah, that's a really good question.
Because I'm like, oh, well, you know, my baby daddy. I just go with it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one thing about too, we underestimate how much people take
who we used to be in our past decisions to come up with somebody with decisions about who we are now.
That's true. That's true.
And you, people do it. I do it. You hear it.
I do that to other people.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay. Right.
When they could have kept it to themselves. I know one lady one time, she wouldn't look,
she liked the guy. She wouldn't look them up. It was very early on. It was just like the second day.
And she saw that he had a divorce like 10 years ago. And it triggered her so much.
She couldn't hold herself back from asking him. Why?
Why would you be asking somebody on the second day about their personal business?
That's part that is high.
Right. And he didn't share it either.
Yeah. He didn't share this. And that wasn't, he wasn't hiding. He don't even know you.
Why would he tell you he had a divorce? That's a very personal thing.
And so let wisdom guide you and start putting yourself under the order of it.
If you intentionally put yourself under the order of it, it will embrace you.
Okay. And what was that scripture? You said James, what?
James.
I can look it up too. Something about bridling of the tongue.
Bridling.
Yeah. I'm taking that.
Come on, any man ask lack wisdom or brighten your tongue?
Both of them.
Any man lack wisdom, let him ask of the Lord. It is James.
I can look it up.
Okay. Yeah. Cause you know, you're a Bible scholar.
Go for it. And we got Google now. We ain't got to flip through pages. James one in five.
Okay. James one in five.
And then James also talks about bridling our tongues.
Okay. I'm going to try to pray into those and ask the Lord about that. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. See you soon.
Okay. Bye.
Bye. Okay. Go ahead forward. I, you told me how to say your name, but.
Yeah, I have a little bit of a dilemma. I, I think last time I spoke to you,
I told you that my, that I had like a lunch date with my coworker.
And then we had like a, kind of like a date after work or we just went to target hung out.
And then I came home on my commute, but he said he was going to visit me.
I invited him to a Christmas party and last minute, he said he couldn't come because
his ex wouldn't, didn't want to take care of his puppies.
And he didn't want to like leave him, you know, to make a mess or whatever.
So that's fine. I left it like that.
Um, but not this weekend, the weekend before he actually came down to visit me and we had
like a great time. We spent the whole day together. Um, and I, I feel so much peace around
him and my brother was having a party for his son. So we showed up at the place and everybody
was like, Oh my gosh, like he's nice. Like he's really nice. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but then I asked him
some question about, um, you know, cause he's got two children and I was like, Hey, um, do you
get a refund back because of your kids? And he goes, yeah, well I file a separate. So then I
asked him, I asked him later, I was like, Hey, can I, you know, something you said, um, can you,
um, I just, I just wanted to ask you, and this was via text. I was like, um, you said you file
separate. Are you, what does that mean? Or are you still married? Something like that. And he goes,
well, um, our divorce hasn't been finalized. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I was kind of disappointed
because, you know, we, we talk a lot and he doesn't, he hadn't told me. I know. Um, yeah.
So I said, Oh, okay. Well, pray for you. But I was really tired to have a full conversation.
Um, the next day I saw him at work. Um, I mean, I was brain fried when we're having that
conversation and when I'm tired, I don't have, I don't know. I just didn't want to talk it,
the separated live. Yeah. Anyway. And, uh,
I mean, I did kind of feel a little bit of a relief. I don't know if I was like scared
or what. Because I do like the widow even though he's like an avoidant, but he seems
like an avoidant. I just like our conversations that we have because we can talk about the
Lord and I can't have, I don't feel like I have the full conversation with Alfredo about
the Lord, even though we have a lot of things in common and he's very kind. But yeah, so
the next day, I mean, he went to my office and he gave me a kiss on the lips. And I think
he, I was texting the widow and he came in because he's right next to my office and he
came and I guess he caught me and I guess I was really upset. So he kind of ignored
me like the rest of the three days, kind of a little bit.
You were texting who?
I was texting, I know you told me not to talk to the widow.
Who?
Well, it was this guy that told me that he only wanted to be friends. And I had some
things, I stopped talking to him for like a while, a long time. And I went and I dropped
off his things and I thanked him for, because he did, he bought me my car battery when my
car broke down.
Oh, okay, okay, okay, I got you. I'm on tape now.
And he would always like either feed me dinner or whatever, or take me to nice places. So
he was out in Mexico and he's like, hey, if you want to wait for me until I come back,
or if you don't want to see me, that's fine, I understand. Or if you don't want to see
me, you know, it's up to you. But then he took me to Pasha, he was really excited. And
I mean, I guess when we do talk, we have really good conversations. And I don't know why the,
why Aurelio, the widow, offered to take me, he wants to take me on a trip, like a very
nice trip. And I was like, why would you want to like, take me on a trip if you don't have
like feelings for me? That's just kind of weird. Kind of a romantic place, I gotta say.
What did he say?
Huh?
What did he say when you asked him that?
I haven't asked him that. I had asked him if he wanted to go hiking on last Monday.
But he sounded like he was busy. And I could tell he was a little grouchy. So I just,
I said, you know what, it's okay. Don't worry about it. You know, I that's fine. It's you
have a rich immense retreat to go to. So I don't want to. I know that you just came back from the
trip in Mexico. And I don't want to give you extra. I didn't want to force it. So the next
day, he goes, Yeah, that's really wise of you. He goes, the next day, he sent me a video of
the trip where he wants to take me. He goes, it's, it's I'm saving for this to take you here.
Basically, but I that's what I was like, wow, this is like, looks really romantic. Like I did.
I said, Well, maybe I could save some money. But I want to tell him, you know, I don't want to go
there. If you know, I think I would want to go with my husband there. I don't think it's called
Cuatro Cienegas. It's like a, like a, I mean, it's just it looks almost like a resort. It's
really pretty. But yeah, yeah, he me and me and the widow have never kissed. He's never like
crossed boundaries like that. At all. I mean, Alfredo and I did kiss but yeah, that was before
I knew. I didn't know he was separated. I just
Yeah, so what's your question about that? What are you just?
I don't know. I mean, I know San Antonio takes like two years for sometimes for people's hearing
to even go through. And I looked at her page and she's seems like she's moved on and like she's
posting pictures with the with the new boyfriend and her kids, you know, for Christmas and but
yeah, they I wouldn't I don't know what Shelly asked, but
She says they both signed the papers and just waiting for the state to award it.
I don't know. I don't know.
He didn't even tell her.
Yeah.
Um, well, um, I'm sorry, you had to find it out.
You know, when people are married, they can get back together anytime they
That's how I feel. They have children and most people that were married they
didn't get married to get a divorce. So there's very you know I've been married
and gone through a divorce before and married people go they go through little
stuff so she may be with a boyfriend today and then all something happens and
now they try to work it out and so you end up with the short end of the stick
and so the best way to guard your heart is to understand that he's a married
man and so he's married and so that means he wouldn't serve your life best
and you want to be married. You want to be married and so for me I don't
really really care they signed the papers if they signed the papers well
when they get finalized he can call you and so I was getting to know this guy he
was a wonderful guy and I know he said that he was divorced and so he made a
comment and said we were talking he's like yeah that's why once we get this
paperwork done it's gonna finally be over with I said what huh what did you
just say yeah paperwork and so when he said then I said oh brother man of God
Wow I said let me talk to you like a sister in Christ I said now I don't do
this foolishness I said like bruh this is this is true I told him if God told
you to marry me right now you couldn't even obey your God because of the
covenant you've made in the earth that's how that works you couldn't go to a
courthouse and marry me because you aren't papers with somebody else and I
said so you've been a great person to get to know once your divorce is final
give me a call and if I'm available I'll talk to you it's just simple as
that yeah how that works and and so I think that that would serve you best
okay but one question I want to ask you can you share with me why do you think
you still talk to the widow if he's you like him but he's explicitly told you
that he does not desire you in a relationship I think I think I get a I
don't know I mean I think he he gives me a little bit of he's like I think the
other day we had the conversation and he's like so you are interested in me
and and because I don't know I was telling him about me going through CBP
and how the guy was like really helpful I was like you know what it was like
five o'clock in the morning because that's it's time I commute I forgot if
I put my laptop back in the back and I asked the CBP officer if he could please
check for me if I had my black bag in the bag but you know a lot of them are
like really young they go to our church some of them this guy you know I was I
wasn't trying to flirt with a guy or anything but I told him that and it was
like like he got like jealous over that like he's like well you don't look as
young which I thought was totally rude and then he he apologized and he was
like I love you with the love of the Lord I was like that's so weird for you
to say but okay so you know he's he's not healthy for you he's he's not
choosing you he is actually stringing you alone only because you allow it and
so it's not that he used so many words to do it but he's saying he don't want
to be a relationship he wants to take you somewhere to intimate place to do
what y'all gonna sleep in separate room what what is he what what is the
expectation here and so I want you to be aware of your own heart and to guard
it without diligence because this is not healthy because as he's telling you he
doesn't want you the reason why he keeps coming around because you allow it and
you're gonna bear the brunt of the pain because you keep letting your emotions
develop and I know sometimes it feels good to talk to somebody who wants us
because he says he doesn't want you but he keeps engaging with you so those are
he was like why why did you stop talking to me did you stop talking to me because
you you were mad at me and I said no I didn't stop talking to you because I was
mad at you I was like I you know that wasn't the reason and I mean I didn't
even tell him you know I was just trying to protect my heart from you you can say
that you can say I like you you told me you did not desire relationship with me
so that tells me I need to move along
I do what's best for me that's what this is yeah yeah and he can say well we can
be friends I don't want to
friendship with you. I like you now. I don't. I don't want a friendship with you. Right?
And so I'm concerned about that and I just want you to know that you can continue on. I can't
tell you what to do. That's not what I'm saying. You can continue in it, but I don't believe it's
going to serve you very well. There's a reason why he told you explicitly what he desired,
what he does not want. And anything that happens after that is going to be on you because you
were aware of how he felt. And don't trust me. He's going to remind you of that. Yeah,
he was like super excited to see me. And like he, like I could tell he was like, yeah, but yeah,
I guess he gives me the mixed signals. I don't know why he does. What he does is make signals,
but he already told you that he did not want anything romantic with you. Yeah. So he told
you what you wanted. And so, but, so I just want you to keep that in mind. And that other guy,
you have a conviction already within yourself that you don't want that. And I just encourage
you to release it. And if you want to do a one-on-one with myself or Carla, it'd be really
good because I want to unpack some things with you in your heart and what's happening. So that
you won't be prey to someone, someone entering you in a way. I want to, I want to deliver you
to your love story, not with more scars on your soul, but a whole healed woman so that you can
stop accepting less than what you deserve. And right now there, it seems to be some beliefs
that you don't deserve the very, very best and you do. And so if you were considering
getting a one-on-one with one of us, it would really, really be good for you.
I really do believe it. Thank you, Eboni. I appreciate it. Yeah. I'll make that investment.
You're welcome. And D your next, but Prateet, when you're talking about dating someone with,
and you can be prepared, you dating someone that has a disability, you have to accept for you,
if you're willing to accept that disability or not, you don't have to live in fear.
You can live in the present. And it's not a slight to a person that if I tell them because of this,
I don't want to be with them, that's hard. Well, that is the truth. And so you can tell a person
I've enjoyed getting to know you. How do I know how hard it is to do? Because I had to do it.
I was in a marriage minded relationship. I shared this with you all. And he was a absolutely great,
fantastic, wonderful man, committed to righteousness. My community loved him.
His community loved me. We had a wonderful kingdom marriage minded relationship, but he was legally
blind. And by the six months, the more time I spent with him, I realized that at the capacity
that I was moving at the way that I move, not the capacity, the way I move that it just wasn't
going to work. And it broke my heart because I wasn't rejecting him, but I didn't have the capacity
for that. But it took a while for me to figure it out. So you think that you're leading a person on,
but it's not true. You have to wait till some things subside, the enjoying how he treats you
and you treat him, how you consider everything because they really are a good person. They really
are kind. They really are honorable. They really are righteous. They really are those things.
But you have to walk that journey out sometimes. But if you know from the beginning,
you just have to say, look, I think you're a great person, but I don't believe I can long-term
live with this disability that you have. I have been a caretaker most of my life, and I don't
want to invest in that. So every person is different. Everybody meets somebody that has
capacity for who they are in the fullness of who they are. And so they have their people who marry
quadriplegics every day. They have the capacity for that. I don't have the capacity for that.
Yeah. There are people that carry capacity for things.
Yeah. There was this lawyer that wanted to date me also, vision issues, disability.
And I also noticed, I mean, my little brother was disabled and he found a wife who was just
like him. And they were the cutest couple. My brother passed away last year.
Thank you. Thank you. So special. But I think because I've known firsthand, I was like,
I just can't. I feel like I see myself. And he was a lot thinner than I was. I was like,
I think I can carry this guy. I don't want to do that. Thank you, ladies.
You're welcome. Okay. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Yeah. So great. All right, ladies,
if you're hanging on, please don't hang on. You can get out the line if you would like,
this is Willow is now.
I'm 30, so I haven't been to work in three days.
So, but you don't have to hang on to stay in the session.
Drop out.
It is totally fine.
I hope that helped Priti.
Go ahead, Dee, what were you gonna say?
If it didn't send my message.
I appreciate you.
Hello, I appreciate you taking my...
Okay, so I posted a couple,
well, six hours ago now it looks like.
So I don't know if you,
I imagine you haven't had a chance to see it,
but I'm having a,
no good time because of what happened.
And I explained what happened.
To someone that I used to date that I was really into,
I really thought something was going,
we were going somewhere.
Essentially, I blocked him, blessed him last year.
It was like two years and I let him hurt me twice.
I felt so silly, feels foolish, so everything.
And I noticed this morning,
I'm in my swing, I'm going, things are happening.
I'm building momentum.
You've seen the things that I've accomplished
and I'm still moving towards things.
And straight up, the enemy's trying to take me out, right?
You know how it is, you get something happening
and then boom.
And so this person who I blocked,
I noticed a text this morning that he'd sent on Sunday
saying that, hello, this is me, this is my new number.
So that's how he got through to me, new number.
But what got me more, I was kind of just like,
meh, I am tired.
I will say that I've been tired lately,
just in the sense of exhaustion.
I'm not sleeping a lot and it's not problematic.
It's just that I'm working.
I've just got things to do and I'm loving it.
But anyway, so this might be partly
why I'm feeling a bit off.
However, the last three digits of his number, 666.
Now, I don't know about you, but for me personally,
for me personally, that's a silly thing to say.
Personally, when I see things like that, it's a sign.
And it's always a warning, always in my life, right?
I'm not being superstitious.
It's just a thing that I, you know?
And it was like, whoo, you know?
So I'm like, who is that?
Which is a good thing.
I didn't even recognize, he said, you know,
please name like where he's from.
And I'm like, huh?
Cause we were really close.
And I didn't even recognize who it was.
So that's a good thing.
So it's not like I've, you know,
like I've been holding a torch for him or anything.
I'm really kind of, cut the salt eyes,
all of that last year.
But I'm feeling that, again, it might be because I'm tired,
but there's something still that I need to let go of.
That's the bottom line.
But I'm bothered, I'm rankled.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, you know, like I blocked it.
I prayed, I worried, I declared, I did all the things,
you know, I can see what's happening,
potentially what's trying to happen spiritually.
Like I said, you know, it's just a thing to derail me,
potentially if I let it, you know,
I'm strong-minded, all the things,
but I'm just being straight out.
Who do I talk to about this?
So I thought, let me come on this call
and see if I'll be able to talk.
Even if I have to book a private session, that's fine.
But I'm bothered.
I'm kind of like, not like seeing their obsessing about it,
but it's like a little bit of a,
and I feel like there's more him, like I'm not,
I haven't allowed my, I thought I was over him.
I might be over him, but I'm bothered.
I don't know, maybe I'm not explaining myself,
but I blocked it.
I deleted it again.
I deleted this new number.
I didn't, I just saw the 666.
And for me, what you were saying to Mandy about,
because wisdom for me has always been a thing for me
and I'm really going in full on.
The past three years, I've really been seeking wisdom.
My mouth, oh, I don't want to speak, curse myself,
but let's just say verbally, you know,
yeah, I have to watch what I say as well.
So I totally get what Mandy was mentioning,
but the point is, is that what happened
with the last time I saw him,
the last day we went on last year,
I was, I confided in him.
Something that had happened.
I tried to make a video about this.
It didn't upload in the app,
but essentially I was attacked by a business owner,
or the premises of the business office space
that I was renting.
So it set me back about a while.
This is like about 2024 now.
I've lost track of time because it was 2023,
the fires, 2024, it was just all these things.
But the point is, is that I can fight.
When we finally, he and I got together,
it was different.
I was stronger and I was just like,
you know, I've forgiven him, but I'm not dating him.
You know, he wanted to see me
and I thought it can't hurt, I'm strong.
This was last, probably this time last year,
I've lost track of time,
but that's the last time I saw this person
who's just surfaced again.
And we had, I should have, that was a lot.
But like the first time we saw each other,
I should have left it there.
It was like, I knew that in my heart
that I'm not bothered about him anymore,
if that makes sense.
But me being.
it was a boundary thing. He's like, you know, do you want to see each other again? And I said yes.
So it's kind of like I didn't stand firm. So anyway, at the final day, I told him what happened
because we were catching up. He actually apologised for what he'd done the year before. He realised in
his heart, I never said anything, I wasn't holding anything against him, in my mind I'd forgiven him,
you know, and he literally let out, you know, I really felt bad, I was so bad, the way I treat
just disappeared and all of that. And so for some reason, I opened up and told him what happened.
I would say he's a man, he's a masculine man, he's a man-man. And I felt like he had me.
I misunderstood. It wasn't like a romantic thing, it was just like a guy. I didn't have anyone
around at that point that I could just lean on and just cry, you know, and I really felt like
I could. I felt like we were maybe moving towards a friendship, maybe, not friendship, but just
anyway, I felt safe. I misunderstood because I'd spilled it all, I was
crying out. And then he went just weird. And I'm not blaming him. This is what happened anyway.
And then after that, he literally, there was no text, no comments. We were very, he and I very
much, we don't text, we'd rather speak to each other, but we text or arrange to meet up.
But anyway, the point is, this is a whole year ago. And I realized I was mad at myself, because it was
ultimately, I don't even like him anymore. So I was mad at myself for going out with him more than I
should have. And then I spilled all this private stuff that nobody else had. I told my best friend
back in England, and I told my daughter and my son-in-law, but they're far away. So I hadn't
been able to tell. And there's more that happened, I won't say it now, because we're on camera. But
it wasn't a sexual thing. But this guy, it violated my person, you know, violated my person.
And it was a really horrible experience. So I thought I could just tell him, because I thought I
could. And he, anyway, the point is, is that I didn't hear from him for a few days. I thought, wow,
you know, like, and then it was like, what did you expect? And were you expecting him to, you know,
I was all through it with myself, you know, with my own mind, like, it wasn't like,
but it was the way that he just disappeared. It was like, oh, so then, no, this is last year.
And that's why I blocked it when I eventually texted him. So I kind of didn't care. I didn't
care about, it wasn't like a romantic feeling. It was just feeling like, well, you tell someone
something and they just disappear. So I worked with that on my own heart, you know, like, what
do you expect? I don't expect things from people. But now he's resurfaced.
Now he's resurfaced. So I basically said goodbye last year, sent him a text, kind of, you know,
thank you for your efforts, because he had been trying to make amends with me.
I hadn't heard from him for days after I'd spilled my guts on that day. And I just was like, goodbye.
And I did my own internal bless, block, delete. And we had a history, I deleted everything. And
I'm that person, usually, that hangs on to, you know, just because, it doesn't matter. Anyway,
blocked it, moving on with my life. As you know, I've been not dating for a few, well, maybe weeks
now, since maybe November. I finally get this nudge from Holy Spirit, like, you know, it's time,
get back on the apps, Sunday. So it's like, maybe Sunday was the day that something happened and
shifted, because Sunday was the day that I was like, okay, and then I finally got back on the
apps yesterday. So it's kind of like a separate thing. And then today, I don't usually check this,
my phone a lot. And this is my Google Voice number, he has my real number, and he has my
but the point is, I looked down as I'm doing something earlier today. And I saw,
I was on a call. And I saw this text. And I'm like, oh, it's like, you know, it's the area code.
And it's on my California number, which is a business line, my Google Voice,
an old business. And so I was like, oh, maybe it's someone, you know, I was curious to who it was.
And that's when I saw it. And then I saw the number. And then I saw the 666. And to me, that's
just a red alert. For me, that's just like, don't, it happens with when clients come to me, or people
want to be a client, for instance. Anyway, I have to explain 666, when I see that number, it's a no
for me. So it was kind of like all these different kind of emotions. I looked at it, I felt a bit
like, okay, it's him. Oh, 666. No, not engaging, didn't respond. Posted the post in the app
here. And then, you know, I prayed on it, like, Lord, you know, now I need healing.
I know there's something that needs to be released. I feel that way. But I blessed,
I blocked, I deleted, I haven't responded. I don't intend to. I mean, as far as I'm concerned,
I'm done. I don't want to ever see him again. But I just want to force him.
So you are, you are upset by the trigger that happened.
Not trigger.
I don't know.
I'm literally, I'm talking now
because I'm just like letting it out.
I don't know what's happening.
So I want to share something with you.
You see his number, you haven't talked to him forever.
There was a really big scar there, but you really liked him.
And sometimes we like to skip over that part.
It was nothing wrong with you liking him.
You may like him for five years from now.
My very first boyfriend that I dated for seven years
back leaving high school and the first part of college,
he's married now, but I'm very aware of the fact
that he really was my first love.
And it took, and I was still very aware that that's true.
It's true that I really loved him.
And I don't mind honoring that in my heart,
but he has a wife.
So I can't imagine us being together, nor do I want to.
Are you with me Dee?
It seems like your screen froze.
Oh, did I freeze or did Dee freeze y'all?
She's frozen.
It was Dee.
Dee, did you hear me?
Yeah, I can now.
Okay.
So it's nothing wrong with you accepting the fact
that you really liked him.
It's nothing wrong with you.
So you're reliving how he treated you and it hurts
and that's what's happening.
But you also can say, I really liked him and he hurt me.
He reached out to me.
Man, I blocked him and I did all those things,
but attached to his number,
attached to him are these memories.
And as they come up, you can say, yeah, that did hurt.
Man, that felt bad.
And then you can ask the Lord, just write it out.
What, you go back through the soul type breaking process.
It don't matter how many times you do it, just do it.
Say, Lord, what are you uncovering?
What's happening in me?
And then you're going to say, you know what?
Thank you, Lord.
I give back whatever his name is,
everything that he gave to me that belongs to him.
And I take back everything that belongs to me from him.
And it doesn't, the reason why you can't say,
well, I already broke, you know,
sometimes we're like, well, I did that.
I did that.
Do it again because it's resurfaced.
And it doesn't even mean something deep
in your heart has to happen,
but attached to that is that you liked him a lot.
You trusted him.
You confided in him.
And the reason why you did it
because you found him to be a safe space.
And it doesn't mean that he doesn't still care
with that little piece of your heart.
He betrayed you, but because you're not bitter
and operating in unforgiveness and you forgiving him,
you don't have to deny what he was, what he did do,
how he did make you feel.
Both of these things can be true at the same time
while you make a wise decision.
You don't have to, one doesn't have to block out the other.
And I really want you to get,
I hope you can hear me even though you're frozen.
Give space for that to happen within you.
Honor what you did enjoy and then give him back
all those other things that he gave you
that you no longer want ownership of.
Are we together, Dee?
Oh, hope she didn't freeze forever.
But if she started back talking,
I'll start back talking to her.
Ladies, it is 9.39.
Dee, I'm still here.
And you guys, it's been a long,
this is a long time right here,
but you guys have a good night.
I want to be able to take some of your questions
like the last two times.
And Priti, will you post that on the wall for me?
Because somebody having health issues,
arthritis, diabetes, and all those types.
If they have diabetes and it's uncontrolled,
they gonna get their leg cut out.
You're gonna have to take care of them.
Those are some things you have to consider.
And it is true.
If they end up with crippling arthritis,
what would that look like for your life together?
And so there's nothing wrong with that either, right?
And so post it and I'll go more into it.
All right.
So good night, ladies.
And Dee, did you hear the last part of what I said to you?
I heard honor what I enjoyed,
give back what I no longer want,
but then I got kicked out and came back again.
And yeah, so don't throw away what was good.
Hold on to those things that were good
because you know that those things are possible.
And then release those things that weren't so good.
I want you to do that activity
and I want you to see how your heart
is gonna feel the next day.
Because you need to allow yourself
to have the experience instead of believing,
well, he was this, he was that.
Like you got to put up a wall.
You don't have to guard yourself against him.
You're free from him.
And you liked him so much that at his number,
the fact that he reached back out,
meaning I really did mean something to him.
Because when somebody betrays you,
you wonder, did I mean anything to you?
You know, that you would treat me that way.
And so it can bring up all of those feelings
when they reach back out.
Like, oh, you're reaching.
out to me. I meant something to you. And you want to know that because you gave
him parts of you that you wouldn't have given to him otherwise unless you
believed that he had some found value in you. Does that make sense? And so you don't
have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You don't have to
unrecognize something. Both can live in the same space.
I hope that helps. Let me know if it helps. Can you repost, go through the
process, and see if you have some relief? We'll do. Yeah? Thank you so much. You don't look like I helped you.
I don't know. It did? Oh, okay. I'm just, it's... You're processing. You did. You did. No, thank you.
You did. And it's just, I, who do I talk to about this? You know, that's, it's you, right?
It's the community. And so it's much more. And it's kind of like, I think I'll just book a, I'll schedule a private call because there's so much going on.
Oh, indeed. Another thing, if you wanted to, yeah, it is so much more and I can hear it. And I won't be able to address it all. But if you want to try to do a live again, so you can talk through it, I think you need to voice, because as you voice, all these things are coming up, and they need to come up and out. And so it would be good if you voiced it instead of writing it too.
So if you want to try to do another live, I want to tend to your heart. If I was sitting there beside you, I will hug you. And I can't be beside you, but I want to tend to your heart and I do care.
And so if you can get some of it out on a live post, that will be good. If you want to book a session, that will be good too. But I want to help you as much as I can to get you to a steady place to do what needs to be done.
And so sometimes when we allow both things to exist, we'll come to a place because there's some fears happening in you. Something's happening that we need to get to the bottom of.
And I know deep down that this is a healthy, this is a good, it's needed. Like I know that it's not happening at this time for no reason, as well as it could be maybe an adverse thing. It's also a very big thing for me. I know it. And so I can feel on the other side it's going to be massive. But right now it's, and right now it's just, there's more.
So I will, I will, I will try again. I've tried a few times and I kind of even tried on my computer because my phone won't let me do it. And I tried on my computer, wouldn't let it happen. We'll see.
Read down that, download, take the app out and reload it. Do the app again because someone just did one yesterday. So try to, sometimes it won't, it won't let me post sometimes. And so I have to take, redo, re-up. So just try it.
Try to book a session with us. I want to unpack that with you. We'll post what you can and then we'll break it in chunks and we'll go piece by piece.
Okay. So let me just pray with you. Pray us out. Father God, I thank you for your hand that is upon thee. I thank you that she's come to this place so that you can do a greater work in her heart.
And Father God, I know that you're with her. I know that she's not alone. I thank you for giving her revelation. I thank you for giving her wisdom. I thank you for giving her insight. And I thank you for the place that you bring her to of arrival and that when you clear this out, it makes way for her spirit mate so that she won't go into relationship with the fear that this is going to happen again because she knows what it feels like.
So thank you, Holy Spirit, for guiding her on this journey. In Jesus name. Amen.
Amen. Thank you. Thank you so much.
All right. Good night, ladies. Good night.
Thank you, Ebony. Good night, ladies.
You're welcome. Good night.