Um, but welcome. Welcome. Welcome. It is February 10th. It is.
1 o'clock Eastern so good to see you. Also, yes, I've got some hand raised.
Um, I do want to get through the content fairly quickly. I see lots of you on how many of you we have on today? We've got 18, including myself.
So, many more of you today than usual. So that is good.
I'm glad that you are all able to be here. I know this 1 o'clock hour is sometimes a bit challenging because of work.
And so I definitely want to get better at making these short, brief and powerful.
Um, a couple of things real quick.
Um, housekeeping 1st of all, do I have any new ladies on?
Um, Phase 2. Sarah, good to see you. Do I have anybody else that's brand new Phase 2?
Is it Annalie? Annalie? I'm butchering your name.
What is it? Annalie. Annalie. I love that name. It's beautiful.
Annalie. Okay. So, good to have you.
So, welcome ladies. Um, if you have any questions about Phase 2, don't hesitate to ask those in the app.
We'll definitely keep you updated. I know it's sometimes it's a transition from Phase 1 to Phase 2.
Um, we have content for you to watch and cover. Don't rush through just like Phase 1.
This is, this is not, this is not a sprint. Okay.
Your foundation work is going to be in Phase 1 and in Phase 2.
Phase 1, especially because it's the heartwork stuff, because that heartwork is what you're going to continue to use throughout the program,
throughout life, throughout marriage. Okay.
So, for those of you that do not know me, I am Carla Johnson. I am one of your coaches here at Last Year Single.
Just a quick background. I came to know Jackie in 2020 when she first launched Last Year Single.
Um, I came in as a single myself. I am a success story to the program.
I've now been married about two and a half years, um, and I'm currently going through the newly launched Spiritmate Couples Heartwork with my husband, in fact.
And so we are even going through heartwork together. And so we're testing out that, that new program as well.
So, um, really cool things. So, like I said, you will use heartwork continuously.
So, again, what you've learned in Phase 1, you're going to continue to learn here in Phase 2.
Okay. We're going to start you dating here in Phase 2. You don't have to, you don't have to, like, dive into the deep end.
We, pace, pace yourself here. Okay. Some ladies like to, they like to hit the ground running.
Other ladies are like, let me just chill and kind of watch for a minute. Totally fine.
Okay. Don't rush the process. Um, we're here for you. We'll walk you through the process.
Um, and then we will walk you through the heart, like, heartworking as you go through the dating because that will happen.
Okay. Heartwork will begin to surface as you're getting into dating, um, relationships or things will start to trigger you because now you're going to be interacting with men.
And if you've been hurt by men, you're going to get triggered by men.
If you've been hurt in a relationship, you're going to get healed in a relationship. Okay. If you've been hurt in family, you're going to get healed in family.
So maybe if it's meeting somebody's family, even like that can trigger you too. Okay.
Or having to deal with children or whatever, there's all sorts of things that can come into play.
As you start navigating dating, um, old wounds from past relationships will begin to surface.
Those fears will start creeping in. And so we'll want to address those as they come up.
Um, the best thing for you to do is continue to show up in our community post, post, post, let us know what's going on, what's going on in your heart.
What are you, um, what are you celebrating? What are you struggling with? What, you know, it's got highlighting to you.
What wins are you experiencing? Um, what questions do you have with the content?
Any and everything, whether it's dating related or not, bring it to our community and we will help you process it.
Okay. Um, again, I said, um, before the call, but some of you might have just jumped on.
Thank you for always extending grace, especially as we're navigating, um, some of these new updates and as coaches are not getting the same notifications as before.
So, um, we're doing the best we can to get to all your replies, especially when you're replying to us after we've replied to you.
So I know I myself like to ask y'all good hearty questions, especially heartwork stuff.
And so if you have replied to me and I have not been able to get to you, no, I am diligently trying to scroll through those.
Okay. Um, and then don't forget ladies that we do offer one-on-one coaching.
It does come at an additional fee.
but some ladies have found that it is a good investment for them because it does give you
50 minutes of one-on-one time with an actual coach. So it's like these group settings,
but it's just you and a coach. So myself, Ebony, we're on that list. There's a handful of other
coaches in our last year single program that are available as well. When you click on us,
you can see our schedule and you can book a call with us. But like I said, it is 50 minutes. It is
an additional charge. Okay. But lots of people get great breakthrough. I usually get a couple
calls a week and it's really incredible to see the breakthrough that a lot of women get
because we're able to dialogue back and forth together a little bit more than we can here in
these group calls because we have more of us here. But I don't want to take away from what
you can glean here in this community, in this group call. Okay. A lot of teaching happens when
y'all ask your questions here, whether it's here on the live call or whether it's in the app.
Okay. Be going in the app. Check out your sister's questions. Look at the responses. You're going to
grow and learn from stuff, from what they're experiencing, what wisdom they're getting,
all of it. Okay. So definitely take a look at that. Okay. And then next week, next Tuesday,
so it's the 17th, we are going to probably do another one of our come ready to be
as if you're going on like a video date and we'll give you some tips and feedback. Sam girl,
I love it. She's got, she's, she's all done up. I love it. I'm so excited. Um, so yeah,
definitely we'll do that. We did that about six, six or seven weeks ago, maybe five weeks ago. I
can't remember. Um, come camera ready with the cameras on and we will give you tips and feedback.
I mean, I've got lots of you ladies on looking great. Okay. But if you want some tips and tricks
on how to do those zoom calls, how to kind of show up like zoom call date ready. Okay. It's a
new season. I know Jackie did this for us and I was so thankful for it because I'm like, I've never
like done a video date before. Like, what is that? Like, how, how do you do that? So, um,
it was super, super helpful for me. So we're able to give you feedback. Um, it will probably,
I'm going to hope, hope that we're going to get through that a lot quicker this time around than
we did the first time we did it. Cause that was definitely longer than I had anticipated. So I
don't want it to go too long. Cause I want to make room for questions. Um, but for today,
um, we're just going to talk a little bit about confidence and insecurity.
Um, that definitely shows up, especially once you ladies, um, start jumping into dating.
I'm going to take my coffee here real quick. Cause my mouth is getting dry. Um, but yeah,
go ahead and raise your hand if you're going to have questions. Cause I do want to see,
um, how many questions I do have. Cause that will prompt me to
definitely scoot through this, um, much faster. Good, good. I love it. Fantastic. Okay. So yeah,
we definitely want to address those, those insecurities and we want to help you ladies
build confidence. Okay. Um, believe it or not insecurities will, will actually sometimes even
hold you from jumping into dating. So this doesn't even have to be like, well, Carl, I'm not even
dating yet. So I don't even know if I have insecurities. Well, if you're not dating yet,
there could be some insecurities there and that's okay. I was one of those. I didn't date for a full
year in this program. I have lots of insecurities, which I will, um, you know, be very candid with
you about my insecurities. I'm definitely very much an open book with you ladies. Um, so I will,
you know, put myself out there first and then you ladies can share your insecurities with me,
um, if you are comfortable. Um, and then, um, we'll talk about how we navigate that.
How do we take those insecurities and look at those and figure out through heartwork,
how can we shift those? How can we look at those insecurities and see, okay, those are just
what maybe we think are facts in our own reality. And it might actually be facts of things that
have happened in our life, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is truth, that it's
God's truth. And so that's where that heartwork comes in. Okay. And so basically insecurities are
just, you know, fears, anxieties, uncertainties about yourself. Okay. And we're confidence is
where you actually feel.
Like you're ready, like you're ready, you have confidence,
like you are, here I'm using the word confidence
to define confidence, where you really are,
you're like, you know what, I feel good.
And I actually believe that when I show up,
I am who I am and I'm comfortable with that.
Okay, we're, if we're insecure, we're a little unsure.
We're not sure about ourselves.
So confidence is just being sure.
We know what the truth is.
We know what God's truth is.
We don't have to be afraid of it.
We can show up because we got nothing to lose.
God's got us, right?
Okay, so let's talk about some insecurities, all right?
If you know some insecurities
that you have right off the bat,
go ahead and put them in the chat.
Share what some of your insecurities are
and I will bet a lot of what y'all post,
many of you will share very similar insecurities,
believe it or not.
Yes, both sessions is, Paul, I'm thinking you were asking,
are both sessions on confidence and insecurities?
Yes.
Feeling like others are better than you.
That is definitely one.
I mean, especially if you're going into dating,
especially if you're doing online dating,
I don't know about you,
like you're online dating and you're like,
well, certainly they're gonna find somebody else
that they're gonna be more interested in,
especially if they're not responding to you right away.
Someone's responding to you
and then all of a sudden they just kind of stop.
Oh, there's probably somebody better out there.
They probably found somebody better, right?
Totally, it totally happens.
And sometimes like maybe they were talking to somebody else
and that doesn't necessarily mean
that we're not worth something.
It just means there's a better person suited
out there for them.
And then that person who they're talking,
that person that you're talking to
is better suited for somebody else.
And there's somebody else out better for you.
Did that make sense?
I was kind of like wrapped around here,
but it's literally, yeah.
Like Sam said, it's that feeling of not being chosen.
But what is the truth?
The truth is, is that we are chosen.
I love Jackie used to always say,
all it takes is one.
Y'all, you're just marrying one person.
So you're not going to get everybody to say yes to you.
If you do, it's probably going to cause you more drama
than you like to handle.
My husband always likes to say, he's like,
he never understands how, he's like,
I don't get why men have more than one person to date.
He's like, or even when they get married,
he's like, I don't understand why men when they're married,
why they would have other women.
He's like, one is enough.
Now, mind you, he's married to me.
And sometimes I'm like, honey, is that a compliment?
Like, are you feeding me a compliment right now?
Like, okay.
I mean, and he is, but he's, it's true.
Like, I'm like, why would you want to preoccupy yourself
with more than one person?
My son's tablet is up and talking to me right now.
Very strange.
Sorry if you heard that.
I'm like, who is that man talking to me right now?
Who is in my house?
It was my son's tablet.
Okay.
So yeah, like, again, it's, you only need one.
Trust me, if you got more than one saying yes to you
all the time, you're going to have more things
on your plate that you want.
And believe it or not, we do sometimes,
like some women are like,
I'm dating like a few guys at the same time
and I don't know what to do.
That's why I always tell you ladies,
like once you get a couple,
like you don't have to continue to stay in the app.
Like, it's okay.
You're not going to miss out on anybody.
All right.
You just, just feel out the couple
that you got conversations going with.
They'll weed themselves out or you'll weed them out,
whatever happens.
And then you could just jump back in
and get it and pick up another one if you need to.
Okay.
There's no, no rushing.
Okay.
So yeah.
So let's read some of these insecurities.
So we had the not being chosen,
that there's someone better out there.
Okay.
Okay, let me keep going up here,
cause it scrolled down.
So yeah, again, that never getting chosen,
no matter how great I am, never getting chosen,
that you're gonna be put on the back burner,
that you're just gonna be in their rotation,
that, you know, so, you know,
you're making sure that you don't put all your eggs
in one basket, you know, that happens.
So maybe you're used to kind of putting your eggs
in a couple different baskets, so in case,
cause if you put all your eggs in one basket,
they might throw you on that back burner,
and then you're like, well, what do I do now?
And so it is about this balance,
and it's going in with confidence,
and so it's about learning,
like how do we gain that confidence?
So again, we can definitely dig in to more on that,
and so, like I said,
I definitely wanna make room for questions,
so we can definitely pull out more of these things
and how we can navigate those things.
Yep, again, the not feeling good enough,
some, okay, Callie is talking about, you know,
being insecure about bringing nothing
to the table financially, you know,
especially if you've been in divorce, ladies,
and believe it or not, it's funny,
cause my husband and I were talking about this,
my husband was on the men's call last night,
and he was talking about, you know,
some of the insecurities that men have,
and we were talking about it,
that, you know, some of the men think
that women only want men that are financially stable,
and he's like, and some of the men are like,
I've been divorced,
and, you know, it's not that I'm not working
and I'm not financially stable,
it's just this divorce kind of costs me a lot,
and I'm having to like build back up again.
And so they get insecure thinking that, you know,
just because they might live in an apartment
and not have an own a home,
because they had to sell the home in the divorce,
but they have an apartment
and they have a very good paying job,
that now a woman might not date them
or feel that they're valuable
because they don't have something.
So that happens to men
just as much as it happens to us women.
And so Callie, I can relate to that.
So I told you ladies, I was going to share some of my own,
I was gonna get, you know,
transparent and open with you ladies,
that was a concern of mine too.
I was a single mom, I was in my late thirties,
I was really afraid that men weren't gonna wanna date me
because I was a single mom,
that they thought that I was only gonna want them
for their money, that I only wanted to be provided for.
I was a school teacher for some time
and it was a great job.
I worked really hard to get there.
And then I became a single mom.
I was, you know, seven months pregnant
when my son's dad chose to walk out.
And I was like having to juggle single mom
to a infant baby, toddler.
And then for any of you that are teachers,
I know I probably have a few out there,
y'all know how consuming being a teacher is,
very, very time consuming.
And your day doesn't end when the kids get dismissed
and your day doesn't begin when the bell rings.
Your day starts from the moment you wake up
to the moment you go to bed,
especially if you, you know, you really poor,
if you are just have a servant's heart
and you love children, like that just happens.
And so that was really challenging for me.
I was having to balance being single mom
and a teacher where I wanted to pour into my students.
And it just became, for me, it just, it wasn't,
it just didn't feel like that's what God had called me
to do and so I ended up stepping away for some time
from teaching and was working as my second job
as my full-time job.
My second job as a teacher, because that's another thing.
Not only was I teaching and being a single mom teaching,
I was then having a part-time job
waiting tables on the side.
And I was like, I don't wanna do this.
I don't wanna have two jobs and be a single mom.
And then I was trying to even start like a side business.
So I was trying to put in another thing on my plate.
And I was like, I can't do this.
And so I left teaching.
And I was like, okay, I'm just going to focus on waiting tables.
And you know, that wasn't a very, for many, especially where I was living, I was living
in Sarasota, Florida.
It's very, very bougie.
Okay.
It's very high end.
And so, you know, for some guys in that 30 to 40 age bracket, they were kind of already
making something of themselves.
And so dating a single mom that was a waitress wasn't very successful in their eyes.
That's the way I saw it.
I thought guys were literally rejecting me because I was just a single mom, waitress,
not really making much money, had nothing to bring, nothing to offer to the table, not
only financially, but intellectually anything.
Only being a single mom, never being married.
What Christian guy's going to want to date me?
Because I wasn't a virgin and I wasn't married before.
So do you see how all of those insecurities really, really, I found it very difficult
to step out with confidence that God truly did have an amazing, God-fearing man that
was going to desire to walk through life with me as a mom, was going to love my child like
their own, was going to provide and protect me the way God has asked, you know, that designed
man to, was going to value me as a wife and what I can bring and offer to the table.
And then it didn't have to look in this, you know, successful box the way that, you know,
we tend to look like, oh, I have to have this full-time job and be a mom and do all these
things.
Not that there was anything wrong with it, but I just knew, like, I didn't want that.
And I wasn't sure I was ever going to find out what Christian man was going to be okay
stepping into a role to do that and not see me as someone that wasn't going to show up
and still offer what God had created me for as the female, as the divine feminine, as
a mother, as a wife, you know, who had a heart for helping people, who desires to do something
in ministry.
Like I desire that.
I didn't know what that looked like, but I'm like, okay, God, I don't, I don't know if
that guy exists.
I really didn't.
And so I really did have to kind of start going through the hard work and it really
was going through the dating process and allowing God to use a lot of the dates that I was on
to begin to start surfacing some of these lies that I was believing.
And then God was able to come in and like start filling those cracks with his truth
so I could start literally replacing all of those lies and start believing his truth.
And so that's what I want to start unpacking with you ladies today.
I want to take your questions.
I want to hear about what things, insecurities you have, and let's really just start figuring
out like, where does that lie?
Because what we really can start doing is start doing that revealing for healing chart,
which I believe is in phase one.
I think I referenced it a week or two ago, which if we have to, if someone wants to remind
us in the app, if you're looking for it and can't find it, we can see if we can't post
it somewhere in the app, but it's going to be, you know, taking those things that we're
believing, those insecurities, those lies, and being able to replace it.
So we have to be able to confess those things.
What are, what is it that we're believing?
We need to repent those things.
And that's going to take some, sometimes it's repetition.
You know, I still sometimes have to show up in my marriage and have to release my husband
to be like the red winner, the sole provider, because I still can operate in this.
I'm not contributing enough financially.
So Callie, like you said, like, you know, this fear of like, I'm not bringing enough
to the table financially.
Y'all, I'm married and I still sometimes do that.
I still have to be like, oh, that's just that old lie that I'm not contributing the way
that I'm supposed to, where God has to come in and be like, no, you are contributing.
There's other things that you are literally called to do, your husband values.
And I have to sometimes confess to my husband, like, honey, I have to confess to you.
I'm really starting to operate in this feeling like I'm not showing up enough and I'm getting
in my head and I feel like I'm having to overwork.
things and overdo things and, and I'm, I'm getting, you know,
insecure about it. And he is like, Hey, you've done this,
this, this, and this, like you helped this out with the kids
and you did this with the kids.
And look at all these emails that you wrote to the principals
this week, which y'all I've written a lot of emails to
principals these last two weeks, my kids just been like, really
giving it to me. So, I mean, he has to come in and remind me.
And he's like, and babe, look like all the meals that you're
having to get together. And now that we've got, you know, now
all my kids have afterschool stuff. I've got, you know, my
oldest just started his baseball practice. My youngest is now
getting his baseball, like up and going. My daughter is now
doing rehearsals twice a week. He's, he's like, babe, our
schedule got really full these last few weeks. You, if you
were having to contribute much more financially, how would we
manage all of this other stuff? And so it literally, you're
having to repeat, oh, that insecurity can still come up,
but we're going to confess it and replace it with lies. So I'm
giving you an example in marriage, right? You ladies are
single, so it will still come up. That's why this community
is here for you. Because if you start practicing this stuff now
as a single, you're going to be, and coming here and being
vulnerable with us here in this community, ladies, it's going to
be a breeze to be vulnerable with your husband. If you can
start getting vulnerable here, you're just practicing that
vulnerability because you're going to be vulnerable in
marriage. So if you're hesitant about being vulnerable in this
community, I really want you to start taking some of that to the
Lord as well. It's that vulnerability that allows you to
grow closer together, not just to each other in relationship,
but even in our relationship with God. It's about being
vulnerable with him too. I just went on this retreat. I don't
know if you ladies, if you were on last week or you heard the
replay, I went on a woman's retreat. Y'all, I had to get so
vulnerable. There was some stuff that I really kept inside,
especially about this need to control. I have this insecurity
that I need to control everything. I'm responsible for
so many things. I had to not only get vulnerable with a bunch
of women that, yes, they go to my church, but I don't know them
super well. But then I had to literally get real and raw and
vulnerable with God. Once I was able to do that, oh my goodness,
the release that happened was incredible. That stuff happens
here in this community. Ladies, it will continue to happen once
you all get married. Then you can still just practice even
that in marriage. We're going to practice that. Again, we're
going to continue to keep showing up, be vulnerable,
confess what we're working through, and repent and receive
what God has for us and what is God's truth. I know Sam's got to
get off at two, part two. I'm going to take her question. I
know Sheila is here. I see you, girl. Is there anybody else? You
literally are busted for time. I'm going to take Sam. Then can
I go down to Karen, Sheila, Susan, and Luani? Then do I have
anybody else? Don't be shy, ladies. Put your hand up if you
have a question. All right. Then I'm going to scroll through
these comments as well. We've got a good 55 minutes. I'm proud
of myself. Karen? Yes. Yes. See, I was short, brave, and
powerful. All right. Sam, what you got for me? I know you have
lots of updates. At some point, if there's time at the end, I do
want to hear how did your listening party go? I could not
make last week. She's here local in Dallas. She had a listening
party. She put it up in our single cities group. I was going
to try to come to the one that got iced out. I had it on my
calendar. I was like, yes. Then it got rescheduled and it
interfered. I'm like, no. Okay, there's going to be more album
release parties. I'm going to get with you about, probably in
single city, about my husband and I coming to Upper Room.
Oh, yes. Amazing. Okay, sounds good.
We want to do that. Any of you DFW ladies, get in single city.
Get in single city.
All right, maybe we can do a like a little get together or something like a little meetup
at upper room or something. Yeah, DFW represent. Okay, get yourself in single city. All right,
Sam, what's your question? Okay, so we're going back a few weeks, because we talked about
boundaries. And we mentioned spiritual boundaries in the app. And I just don't really have a great
understanding of what that looks like, especially because going into tomorrow evening, him and
the other girl that's from the worship team, Rachel and myself, we are all basically the
worship leaders of our house gathering, the three of us, and we have just felt the Lord calling us
to record a worship session together. So we're getting together Wednesday night, the three of us,
I didn't really know how to like, handle that. Because I don't want to say no, you know what
I mean? Like, so I've actually been fasting the last couple of days, and we'll be as well into
tomorrow as well. Because the way that that I talked with the Lord about it in my journal the
other day was I felt like he was really speaking to me about, like, there is like this real deep
spiritual connection between he and I. And it's like, I think it would make our spouses uncomfortable
if we're not each other's, you know what I mean? So but like, it's really hard to not gaze at him
with those longing looks, the same way he looks at me. And like, the Lord even like, wrote it in
my journal, where he was like, you know, I don't want you like, gazing at him the way that he so
willingly gives that gaze to you in worship, you know what I mean? Like, because it's not about
either of us, it's about the Lord. So and part of me actually feels like really, like, cruel to not
match the energy, I guess is what I'm trying to say. But I know that I don't need to. And I know
he's already mentioned too, that he's like, it feels like you resent me. And I'm just like,
that's not it at all. I mean, I kind of do because you're kind of giving me more emotional
vulnerability than I should have from you. You know, but like, I also can't control his behavior,
I have to control mine. So I feel like I kind of have to be cruel in some ways,
since he's not interested, you know, like, okay. And I don't know how to
do that. And I think, and that was the one that I was trying to go back and pray on. And then
everything happened with that app. And I like, it's, it's gone. Like, I'm like, I can't.
And then I think the replies work now, though, because it said at Carla Johnson at the top of
it. So it might have pinged you. So okay. Okay, good. All right. So I'm definitely gonna I'm
gonna follow up with that one for sure. But let's unpack a little bit here.
Because I think you did when you originally had posted that you did a couple weeks ago,
you did have some breakthrough. Did you not about what yeah, Lord was highlighting? Where
are you at with that? Where was that at? Okay, so yeah, we had had. So in preparation for this
coming Wednesday, last Tuesday, the three of us met. And we each met individually with each other
to try to clear the air on things. So and it just it was clear, like, Holy Spirit was like,
you got to talk to him about this whole spiritual boundary thing, because I hadn't talked to him
about it at all yet. You know, and so then I was like, Alright, fine. So I just mentioned him. Hey,
I'm trying to figure out what the spiritual boundary is. Like he made some. He made some,
some decisions about it, which is great. You know, he's like, How about we not talk one on one,
you know, or text back and forth unless it's just about the music and the worship.
And I'm like, Okay, that's great. You know, so how's that working right now?
I feel like I've already broken it because we had Friday before the listening party.
I really felt like there was some strife going on in our house gathering. And it was like division
between people and gossip and slander. And I knew of some things and I was like, trying to pray
against it. And so I kind of feel like a mother of the group. And I know that he's got a father's
anointing very much. So I reached out to him. And I was like, I know, I know, we're not supposed to
be doing it. But like, for for the sake of our group, right, for the sake of our family, like
that we have here in our gathering, then as a father, will you come in agreement with me against
the spirit of division, spirit of gossip, spirit of slander? He's like, Yeah, absolutely. You know,
and, and he was like, the, the boundaries are there, you know, for you. So whatever you're
comfortable with, then, you know, so he's still like this open book, because it doesn't affect
guys the same way, though, you know, okay. So you you cross that boundary? Yeah. Did that feel
so you're saying you cross that boundary? And you're like, I don't like it didn't feel comfortable
for you. It felt really comfortable, because it wasn't about us. It wasn't about he and I, it was,
you're like, okay, as long as this is, this is about like something else. Okay. Yeah. And you're
not feeling
feeling like there's resentment in that way. Okay, no. So yeah, this is and ladies that
are on this call. So this is more of a delicate situation because this is someone that she
has relationship with in her community. Okay, so she is in close proximity. They've gotten
to know each other. I'm just giving everybody else a background here. Yeah, we're both worship
leaders. We're both worship leaders. And we're both running towards Jesus in the same
way. Do you know what I mean? Like, so definitely together is hard. She's, she definitely feels
a pull. She has attraction to him. Yep. Yeah, you know, she got out of her comfort zone.
She dropped hankies. And it sounds like he's just not really sure where he's at. You know,
he values her as person. And he, you know, worships with her. He sees her as a sister
of Christ. It he just doesn't seem like he knows where he's at, where he stands. With
marriage, relationship, all that. It's a it's a no from him. For me. He's not attracted
to me. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, I'm not there. I don't that's, that's not where I'm at. Okay,
so he's saying no. So now she's having to have relationship, not like, like community,
okay, community with someone. Yeah, she's now trying to figure out how to have boundaries.
But she's also still guarding her own heart. Okay. So God is we like stretching her in
this season. And she's, she's gonna be learning some really valuable things. It would take
us all day to run through the hard work I've already done on this. Do you know what I mean?
Like, it would. You're making progress. So I want you to focus on the progress that you
have made. Okay, so now we've got to get to these boundaries. Okay, so your spiritual
boundaries, you're like, okay, we're not talking. But now you're sitting here saying,
one thing I want to bring up. So you've you made those those were clear. But now you're
still at what it sounds like they're when y'all are still worshiping. There's some sort
of gazing happening. So I want to be clear here. You're not gazing at him, but is he
gazing at you? Oh, it's, it's both ways. It's 100% both ways. Like, and usually what happens
is that we'll end up singing the exact same thing at the exact same time. That's spontaneous.
That's not actually a song. And we have some we're like, Whoa, like the spirit is moving.
It's clear the spirit is moving. And it's moving the same way in both of us. And we can't help
but go, wow, what just happened, right? Like, that's, that's where it's coming from. Okay.
It's incredible. Before you all were, where are you worshiping?
We're just at the house that we gather up for our house church.
House is it? It's several guys rented out, but not him.
It's a place that you would have come. It's a place that you would have come for the party.
Okay. Do you know those guys? Yeah, they're all part of house church.
Okay, guys. Yeah. Good guys. Okay. Yeah.
Do you know if they have anything going on that they like, do they live there?
There are several, well, the guy that I, that I, that I'm connected to does not live there.
Okay. When you go into worship before you worship, are you praying?
Not alone, but with others. Yeah. And I'm actually this next time that we've gathered,
just the three of us, I I'm fasting and praying these three days. Yeah.
Okay. Right now, just what is speaking to me is I just really want you to pray
before you go into worship that only Holy spirit stuff is, is coming out
that, and that you were literally just guarding from anything else.
Um, and then, um, have and let him know, like, and, and how do you feel about, look,
there needs to be a boundary when we're worshiping that this
gazing at each other cannot happen. There's no resentment. I want to be fully.
focused on the Lord and not focus on a person. Yeah. And when we're looking at each other,
it is really difficult for me to not get pulled in. And I do not want that to hinder my worship
with the Lord. Yeah. Yeah. How do you, do you think, and he sounds like he's fairly receptive,
like, Oh yeah, very much so. Yeah. And that way you're communicating to him, like, look,
this is nothing to do with resentment. This is everything to do about me guarding my spiritual,
like health and my, like, this is sacred to me. Yeah. And I don't want anything
interrupting that. And so, you know, I, and you can say, I appreciate you for being so sensitive
and so respecting and honoring of my boundaries and how we communicate with one another.
And I appreciate how you have been very patient as I navigate this as well.
I mean, sometimes it's just open and honest communication. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And because I'm curious when he's asking those questions to you,
Hey, are you, it feels like you're resenting me. What's going on in your head when he's
coming to you with those types of questions?
There's probably an element of truth in that, you know, that I've not worked through completely.
It doesn't mean that I'm not working on it, but you know, like, why doesn't he like me
everything about where we're going is the same direction and we both love the Lord in the same
way. And it's not that I'm seeking something in him that I don't have that I need, you know,
like I see a lot of myself in him and like, like that's okay. So let's go deeper. Okay.
We're going to go deeper. So yeah, we both,
we both are seeking the Lord. Why, why is this? So what are you believing about yourself?
What are you telling yourself? What is you, what are you starting to think about yourself right now?
What are you questioning? Yeah. Are you questioning him? Are you questioning you?
Well, I guess, I guess I, I, he's given me more detail about his life than I think I should know,
to be honest. One of which is that he feels like his wife's name has the word Anna in it somewhere.
So he has pursued three women with Anna in their first name, or it was their first name,
and all three have rejected him. And so I know all of this about him. So like,
I guess where I'm at right now is like, if my name were Anna, would this be a different situation?
Do you know? So are you, do you think you're kind of like doubting, is there doubt?
That there is, I'm frustrated that he's closed the door for such a silly reason.
Do you know what I mean? Have you shared that to him?
Yes. Okay. What is, what was his response? He didn't, he, he, he thinks he's heard from the Lord.
So, okay. Yeah. So he's adamant about him hearing from the Lord. We're going to respect that. Right.
Yeah. But it's still here where you're like, that's so silly. Yeah. Because you're thinking,
but we're both, we're both seeking the Lord. We're both this. So why isn't it happening?
Yeah. So who's, who's, who, what, again, let's, let's just keep going deeper.
The heartwork for me is like, why do I feel like I need to convince him of anything? Do you know
what I mean? Yeah. So where does that, where's the convincing? Where, where are you trying to
come? Like you're, where's this feel? Like, do you feel like you need to convince him? Do you
feel like you need to convince yourself? Do you feel like you need to convince God?
That I guess a little bit of all of that. And I've worked through some of those things,
you know, already because the Lord was like, for a while, the Lord was like,
yeah, you can absolutely pray that his heart changes. Doesn't mean that's, you know,
that's going to be the case. So then so then I, I leaned into that idea of like,
you know, I would really like you to make this choice for me, Lord. But then like,
As far as where I'm going right now,
I'm trying to close the door
on the romantic side of this relationship
so that I can have a really good brother and career,
like, you know, like, and worship friend, you know?
There's so much that God wants to do,
not only with him in that,
but with him and others together,
not just him individually, you know?
So, and it's a great community.
So, you know, I was like,
Lord, I just need you to close the door.
And then I had a mentor the other day,
was like, no, he's not going to do that.
God's not going to close that door for you.
Like, he's actually, he's giving you the choice
and you need to make that decision to close the door.
And I'm just having trouble making that decision,
closing that door, you know?
Like, and the best way for me to do that
is to like not have any kind of relationship
with him for a while, you know,
to sort of get it, to work through it.
To push it out.
Yeah.
So what would that look like?
Would it mean making a choice
that you have to kind of step away from something
or ask that he step, like, what would that look like?
Yeah.
It would have to, it would be that I have to step away
or I have to approach those things differently.
Like one of the things is that we have a nightly prayer call
at 8 p.m. Monday through Friday that we're both on.
I'm not on it every night, but the nights that I am,
like then, and when he's on,
then the minute I turn my camera on, he turns his on.
And you're like, dang it.
So then, you know, I've been actually trying
instead of even turning my camera on,
but like being a part of it,
but having my phone down like that, you know?
So I don't see his face
because I need to not see his face.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, so that's what I'm trying right now.
And then sometimes it's even hard when I hear his voice,
you know?
So I'm like, oh.
But it is gonna be a little bit easier in March and April
because he's gonna be in a totally different state
for two months.
So I won't see him in person at all.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, I definitely think, again,
this is just kind of, there's a couple of things that,
you know, again, I want you, you know, praying into,
praying into, you know, obviously,
what are those insecurities?
What are those belief systems?
Again, you know that it's like this feeling
like I have to convince, okay?
It sounds like there's a little bit of control there,
like still wanting to kind of hang on to something.
Like if I have to let go of something
and I have to make, because it, I mean,
for those ladies, like did you,
did you ladies listen to Supernatural Saturday?
My husband and I have been talking about this all week.
Actually, not all week, since Saturday.
The, Jackie talks about like God's will,
like what God's will is and what it isn't.
And that has been, my husband has even been like
struggling with what was shared.
And I'm like, well, there's like,
you gotta see it from these different perspectives
and all this kind of stuff.
But this, we have the free will
to make choices based on wisdom.
And again, and sometimes it is this releasing,
like God, you give me the free will to choose,
but even when I choose, you don't leave me.
Your will is still for joy and growth and maturity
that you can work all things for good.
But in every choice that I make,
you're there to help me process to grow
and joy wins wisdom and truth.
And, you know, that's just his will for us.
And so you are, you're kind of like,
but God, I just want you to do it for me,
but I want it to look this way.
That's what I've struggled with.
Like, God, you've given me all this wisdom.
I just know better.
I know better, Lord, I know.
Like God, I like, I have all this wisdom
and like, I know that you sometimes
just don't always show up with, you know,
as somebody's name for marriage and that, you know,
like, but that's not where he's at.
He hasn't, God has not given him whatever wisdom it is.
So you're having to literally be like,
okay, Lord, I'm trusting you with someone else's will.
I got to trust you with mine.
And yes, we both are moving in this direction
and we both love you deeply.
And this could be beautiful and a great thing,
but he doesn't have the wisdom yet.
So would it really be that beautiful?
and
Who's to say that God doesn't have that? There's not somebody else that is gonna have
The wisdom that is what you're needing that's gonna grow you into
Something more that God has for you. This lady. You're your marriages aren't just for you
It's for other as
Well, it's your family. It's your community. It's your marriages our ministry believe it or not
And
So, I'm how are you feeling? Uh-huh. I'm definitely at to a point right now where
I'm struggling with what people say about
well, God gives you this desire right to have a husband that he's gonna have somebody for you like and I just
right now I'm like
It's great that he's giving me this desire
but like what if all he really gave me this desire for was just to lay it down and I just that's all I
Really want to do right now. It's just laying the desire down
Yeah, which is a good place to be, you know
Um, it's just a hard place to be right now
Like what if he has given me this desire just so that I can lay it at his feet
And is that such a bad thing God lie
What's his word say
He gives us the desires of our heart but that same scripture talks about him being the desire
But is he a liar no
He's not
Was there ever a time okay, so now ladies this is when we would like I will go this is where the heart work where
I'm now gonna ask you Sam. So this is where ladies. This is sometimes where we want it now
I'm starting to get to kind of like, okay. Where are we? What what?
What beliefs are we starting to?
reveal here
It sounds more like this trusting God with what he says
God you said you have marriage for me. But what is
It's I don't know if you've ever he's ever really said that you know, like your doubt
There's the doubt that I'm not sure
Yeah, I know I'm supposed to I'm supposed to believe it. I know I've done the hard work around that
Just maybe I just need to do it again
Like the healing and all that will come in layers like I like again ladies, I'm gonna be
Like
this very thing this trusting this control this
You know, that was something that I just recently had to lay down myself. It was another layer
and I had to ask the Lord like Lord like
You you say
This is gonna happen, but how do I know how do I know?
like
I've been let down before people have told me that they would do things and they've let me down especially men
Like I was here when I was single. I was like, I don't know Lord like
You say you got somebody for me
Men, I've always sat there and said, oh, I love you. I'm gonna be there for you
I'm gonna be the father to your child, but then I'm gonna leave
And I'm like, okay Lord like that never happened. Now. I have a husband and
He's in it that man, I mean my husband is very committed
But we don't have the easiest blended of blending of a family right now and there's days where I'm like
Lord is this like what? What what did you do? What why did you bring us to this?
Are you gonna deliver is there healing here? Is there healing for my family and I have to be like, I don't know Lord
you brought me this husband, but then you you stuck me here where everybody's got trauma and
It doesn't seem like anybody's healing from their trauma
And God's like Carla because it's not yours it's not yours to decide
You've got to trust me
With everybody else's stuff
You just walk with me, you know, I've got this
And so it is, it's going back to that.
And I had to ask Lord, like, where did this surface?
When did I feel like I had to be responsible
for everybody's growth and healing?
And for me, it literally started as early
as three and four years old.
My home always felt like chaos.
And I always felt like as the three and four year old,
it was always my responsibility to kind of keep everything.
And I didn't know, I didn't know any,
like I was three and four years old.
I did not, I didn't know, but I was such a feeler.
I was such an empath.
I could feel the chaos and I had no idea what to do with it.
And I grew up my whole life as a feeler
and had no idea this empathic gift that I had.
And God was, is having to grow me in.
And he's like, you are a feeler,
but you got to know what's mine and what's yours.
And so it really is like, okay, Lord,
that's where it was laid.
Now, show me pieces of my life where I need,
like I needed you and you were there
and what I needed to give up.
And like one of those moments was my baptism as a teenager.
I got baptized as a teenager with a group of friends
that I went to youth group with all the time.
I felt like they were like my close sisters.
And as soon as I got baptized, y'all,
a week or so later, I felt so betrayed and rejected
and cast out by those friends.
That's when I, God showed me,
that's when I lost trust in him.
I put all my trust in him and I was like,
Lord, my life is yours.
I give it to you.
And then all of a sudden it was like poof.
And then I felt like I couldn't trust him.
And God showed me that and I was like, whoa.
And so when I got back from the retreat,
our church had baptism and so many of the women
on the retreat were getting baptized.
And I was like, for years I've been wanting
to like rededicate my life and be baptized again.
And I was like, I don't know.
I don't know if I can.
I don't know.
I've been struggling with that.
I came home and I was like, I want to,
but I don't want to take away from anybody else's baptism.
I want to make it about other people.
And God's like, Carla,
are you going to let me redeem this for you?
When are you going to just allow this?
When are you going to let go of the control?
When are you going to lay it down
and just let me move and let me work?
Get uncomfortable, Carla.
He's like, get uncomfortable.
Let me heal that so you can start working
on trusting me again.
And I would love to tell you, like I did,
I got in the water, y'all, like I got in the water
and I'm still having to work through some letting go
of some trust, like, okay, Lord,
I got to trust you with my daughter.
I got to trust you with how this blending family works.
So I want you to really spend time in this moment.
Again, just doesn't have to just be about relationship,
but it's about your relationship
with trusting God for his word.
Believing that if he has marriage for you,
believing that you do hear from him,
that he does speak to you.
When did you feel like you believed him
and he let you down?
And was it really him or was it the enemy
trying to make you doubt God?
My husband said something to me in that moment
when I was telling him, and he's heard this story before,
but that night when I was contemplating
before we went to church, he's like,
Karla, could it have been that God was in fact
just removing certain people out of your life?
He wasn't taking something away.
He was actually removing something that wasn't necessary.
I was like, I never thought about it.
I thought that it was God not doing something for me
when really it was possibly God doing something for me.
And so again, it's having that full faith that,
yeah, it looks beautiful.
Like, yeah, this guy is great.
I mean, it sounds like he is a really great guy.
But what if there's better, better for you
and better for him?
What if there's wisdom he needs to walk in?
What if there's someone who has more wisdom for you?
And it's about laying it out.
And it is going to get uncomfortable.
It gets uncomfortable.
There is literally a sacrificing of yourself.
I think many of us have been there.
As believers, when you really have to lay it down,
I mean, there is a wrongness to it, really.
And so it is about just releasing that.
I really hope that this doesn't just speak to Sam.
I hope this is speaking to so many of you on this call.
I really do.
I know I've spent a lot of time with it.
But I really do feel like there's
such power in what the Holy Spirit wants you
ladies to hear and absorb.
Trust him.
Trust his truth.
He loves you.
He wants what's best for you.
Like, especially in this laying our insecurities down,
like, Lord, just take those insecurities from us.
Give us the ability to just lay them at your feet.
Lord, give us the humility to come to you in the discomfort
and know that you've got this.
God, you love us.
You died for us.
You shed your blood.
You sacrificed all so that we could have eternity with you,
God.
And not just eternity after our life here,
but Lord, you say heaven on earth as well.
Lord, you give us that.
You desire that for us, Lord.
And I thank you for that.
Lord, and I just release to all these women on this call,
I release the hope and the trust and just the desire
just to lay it down at your feet.
Remove our grip.
Remove our grip from the things that we just so
want to hold on to because we're just so scared.
We're just not sure that we can trust you.
But Lord, begin to reveal what it is that you do
and who you are.
We can trust you.
You are good.
Lord, I cast out any of the lies that the enemy has tried
to plant into our gardens, Lord.
And I believe and I trust that you
are going to begin to soften that soil in our heart, Lord,
so that those roots can just gently be pulled up and uprooted
and be tossed aside.
And that new seed of your word and your truth
can be planted in our garden so that your word and your truth
can begin to grow in abundance in what you have for our life.
And that that garden begins to flourish
and that fruit begins to be harvested.
In Jesus' name, amen.
You got to go.
Love you guys, bye.
Love you.
All right, ladies, thank you.
Thank you for just letting us dig into that.
I really hope that blessed so many of you.
But that's really what heartwork looks like, especially
when we have those insecurities.
Y'all, when we get into these things and we're unsure,
it really is just taking it to God.
Where does this come from?
What do I need to release?
What do I need to trust God with?
What's he going to show me?
What does he want to do in my life?
All right, Karen, I'm letting you come up.
And then I'm going to take Sheila and Susan.
Don't know if I had anybody else.
Thank you for being patient, Karen.
So lovely to see you.
Thank you so much, first of all, for your input
when I did the post.
I'm praying about everything you and Ebony wrote.
Just want to check on a couple of things.
I'm processing stuff like the whole thing about questions.
And I love the idea of what I call open-ended questions,
rather than.
like yes, no kinds of things because I've I've I'm aware of
that but II but I don't do what I'm aware of sometimes. It's
okay. I know. I know. You're growing and learning, girl. I'm
happy. I'm okay. I'm okay. This is what it's all about. So
anyway, but anyway, so some of my questions, what what I want
to ask about concerning questions I um ask when I'm
first messaging uh you know, men that I'm interested in or
they've liked me and I and I want to check them out um is
you know, I want to ask questions about what's most
important to me um and um and I honestly the kind of person I
am. I am very focused on not wasting time but you know aiming
for you know what god's called me to which is I know what the
lord's shown me and I put it on my profile um so so that
that's my aim is like I don't want to waste time but I don't
want to so I and I tend to go deeper sooner. Yeah, but I
would like that too. Yeah. Yeah. But at the same time, I
don't want to waste time and if a man, you know, so anyway, so
that's kind of the balance here. I understand about you
know, um being open, you know, and and and not interviewing
but just building rapport first cuz I've done a lot of that
with teaching or in ministry, whatever um my aim, you know,
and I and this is one of the things you all wrote about even
in asking questions is I'm honestly aiming like my
purpose is to meet and eventually marry god's best man
for me that the lord has clearly promised me um so it's
not just like when I was in my third, when I was like thirty,
I did like a dating thing, you know, um and and then it was
just like, hey, it's whatever, you know, and yeah, you're
kind of like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't know a whole lot
about exactly where I was going, you know, and stuff like
that. So, like, no, this is who I am. This is what I'm called
to do and now I want to go find that. So, yeah, there's
gonna be this. Yeah. Ten to like I'm I'm looking for
something certain in particular, right? Yeah.
Absolutely and so I'm I I 100% get that especially for you
ladies that are um a little bit, you know, you're you're
older, right? Okay, you're not in your thirties. You're not in
forties. Okay, we're we're we're hitting, you know, you've
had some experience in life but we have went, I get this all the
time from from ladies. Like, you're like, but Carla, like,
I'm not young. Like, you're young at heart but they're like,
Carla, I'm not dating like I'm twenty and thirty anymore and I
get that. So, so, this is what I wanna share and I think this
this really goes to you ladies that are in your forties and
up because I would even say that if you know, if you're
dating older like my husband and I were very similar too
because we were, I mean, I got engaged at forty. He and I just
kinda knew what we were looking for. Like, we didn't kind of
like, again, I don't like to, I don't like to use the term
waste time. I didn't spend a lot of time dating a person that
after a while, like it didn't seem to kinda go anywhere. Like,
but what I didn't do wasn't when I first was introduced to
somebody that I was like, bam, like, where are we going? Like,
what what does this look like? Okay, I still allowed a few
weeks of kind of really getting to know someone before kind of
going into that depth. You kinda start peeling some of
those layers and so that would be my wisdom to share and again,
I'm not, I'm forty. I'll be forty-three here in 16 days. So,
I don't have the wisdom of being older than that but I
will say from that perspective and just again, I've coached
women in this program that are older. I would trust the
process and you don't have to come in with those deep deep
questions in the very beginning. I'm not saying that
you have to sacrifice those things that you know like
you're looking for that you know that this is just kind of
who you are, what you're looking for. I would never want
you to sacrifice those things, okay? Especially when you know
like, hey, I'm I'm in a season of life like this is this is
where I'm at in my life and this is what makes me happy.
This is what fills me with joy. I would like a partner to walk
alongside me in this.
And I believe that God does accelerate those things.
I mean, that kind of happened in my situation too.
Like my husband and I, it was like,
he knew he wanted to get married.
I knew I wanted to get married.
We spent about three weeks or so,
like really kind of getting to know each other.
And I was very like, I don't know, I'm not sure yet.
Like, I need to know more about you.
I need to see some fruit here.
I need to really see that you are who you say
you are going to show up as.
Because again, you can go in and be like,
tell me about your deep faith.
And anybody can sit there and tell you a good story.
There are men out there that are great storytellers.
My husband's, or not my husband, my son's father was that.
Because I did the, oh, like, I gotta love,
you gotta love Jesus.
And oh, he gave me all the Jesus talk,
all the church talk, all that stuff.
And then he didn't wait for marriage.
I didn't either, okay.
I'm just as guilty of that, all right.
Don't just put it all on him.
But guess what happened?
There was no fruit of his relationship with the Lord.
And I recognized that before I could,
I mean, I recognized it after I was already pregnant.
I was like, dang it, what did I do?
Because I thought I was going in and doing my due diligence,
really finding out, like, does this man love Jesus?
Oh, he's going to church, he's doing this.
Oh, he's sitting here telling me all the growth
that he's done and where he's come from
and his testimony and all the good things.
And then I'm like, oh, but he's not showing up that way.
Okay, so it really isn't about like,
you're not having to not get that,
but let's ease into it.
Like, give it some time, give it some interaction first.
Like, really just get to know them.
How do they show up in their everyday life?
What is, how is a stranger gonna see them?
When you're walking down the street,
if you're married to him and you're walking down the street,
how is a stranger going to look at them and you?
Because they're not gonna know y'all's testimony.
How do they show up just walking in life
without needing to have all of that,
like, excess story right away?
Like, that's not always necessary in the very beginning.
Does it mean that as you grow in those couple of weeks
of like, you know, I really,
I really like who this person's showing up.
I really think there could be something there.
Then you can be asking some of those questions
and then see if that will accelerate, okay?
Does that make a little more sense?
Does that give my older ladies a little bit more ease
of the feeling like, I don't wanna waste my time.
I see a couple of heads shaking.
Saoirse, she's kind of shaking her head.
Paula, okay.
I really hope,
cause I like, I get that from ladies all the time.
And I'm like, what, what do I, how do I coach you ladies?
Cause I want to give you really good wisdom.
Something that you really can be like,
oh, that's what it is where she gets me.
She understands.
I really hope I've translated that well.
That it's not that you can't get there.
Let's just not make it in those first interactions.
Okay.
Let's, let's hold it.
Let's really just,
who does this person show up on a daily basis?
Who would, who would just any,
everybody just walking by them in a,
like who would their server see them as?
How do they just show up in life?
Are they joyful?
Are they, are they kind?
Like what things do they enjoy?
Like what makes them laugh?
I love that you shared like your criteria of like,
you're looking, does the man smile in his photos?
I love that.
Does he look like a joyful person?
Like, does he smile?
Cause ladies, guys look at that too.
Your photos.
They want to see your eyes and they want to see your smile.
They want to see, does she carry herself with joy?
Like, I love that.
And I do.
And I love that, you know, for me, it was,
I just, I needed to see that they marked Christian.
If they talked about God, yes, praise Jesus,
that they talked about it in their profile.
They might not have always did, but again,
I had to decide there were some times.
Sometimes my criteria was that they didn't say anything about God in their profile.
I didn't click it.
Then there'd be times where I'd be like, okay, I'm not really getting much going on here.
Okay.
I'm just going to be okay.
If they check Jesus and just see if I can get to know men.
And so sometimes they wouldn't.
And I'm like, okay, that's fine.
Sometimes that criteria changed on a daily basis.
I did.
I love the fact that you're like, I need the guy to actually tell me who he is.
Like there's gotta be something.
He's got to at least be able to talk a little bit about himself.
Like that you can pull some sort of hobby or interest.
So you can have something to talk about.
So I like that.
I like that you're looking for at least a little substance, but again, I don't want
you to get so rigid that you're literally not able to find anything because it's, you've
kind of, you're, you're kind of just putting up some of these walls again.
You just kind of want to open up, filter a little bit.
It's just some questions that again, you can kind of see the nature, but again, if
they don't give you what you want on them, the messaging, don't hesitate just to do a
video call.
And again, that video call doesn't have to be if, if in 20 minutes, you're like, sky's
got no personality.
This guy is not joyful.
Like you can end the call and it's 20 minutes.
And the last thing I want to leave ladies, and again, like I just felt God really prompt
me to share this with you out of love, the not waste time and God, I really felt, does
God waste any of our times?
Does he turn any of our decisions and our choices into something that's wasted?
Can he take any thing that we've decided and that we've walked in, in our, our, our free
will and our choice and our wisdom, is he capable of taking what we've done and using
it for our good, that it is not wasted time.
And if we have some of this, like, if you're like, but no, I did, then those are some things,
Luis, I saw you got a laugh at that.
I don't know if you were, do you got some of that feeling in there?
Like, but no, I wasted my time on this person.
Cause y'all, I had that, like I wasted my time y'all in my twenties with a drug addicted
alcoholic boyfriend back and forth.
I feel like I wasted my twenties y'all.
So that was something for me that I was like, Lord, you say that you could turn that around,
but I don't know.
That decade was a long time.
It was a long time.
God's come through and he's really redeemed a lot on this other side and he's walked me
through the healing and the growth that I've, I've gotten to experience because I went through
a really, really tough season.
It was through that tough season that I really, it's like I almost needed to fall apart in
order so that God could put me back together.
And so, yeah, it was a lot of years and there was a lot of things that I had to own that
I chose, but again, I don't have to condemn myself for it.
I don't have to feel guilty.
I don't have to feel shame for it because I was just doing my very best.
And so it really is just kind of walking that out, but God does not waste our years.
He can redeem those years in a split second.
He really can.
He can accelerate things like nobody's business.
I'm still praying for that.
You know, again, I've got a blended family.
We're older, you know, we're in our forties, we've got older children, 10 and 14 and 16.
All of our kids have experienced some trauma.
And you know, it's like my husband and I, especially for our teenagers, we're like,
you've only got so many years and I'm sitting here thinking, how do I restore?
How do I, I'm sitting here thinking, how do I restore some of their stuff?
How do I restore the trauma?
And God's like, well, it's not up to you.
Like it's Carla, it's me that restores it.
I'm just going to use you to be a vessel.
You walk in what I call you to, but you let me restore all of that.
And guess what?
After they leave your house, I'm not done.
I still get to restore all of the things that they've experienced in their childhood, even
before you came, Carla, or even before your husband came into your youngest son's life.
I don't waste anything. I restore all.
Okay. All right, Shelley, you're up, then Susan.
Can I just mention a half minute thing? I just want to say I appreciate how in the feedback from you and Ebony,
I can still ask the questions that are most important to me about their walk with God,
but there's an open ended way to ask it.
So I'm still going to ask those questions because it's important to me.
So I appreciated that.
I like even the question, like you can say, like, what's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday?
Yeah, or actually the question was, I love hearing how someone experiences their relationship with God personally.
What does your walk with God look like in the season?
I'm going to use that because it's more open ended, but it's still asking.
Ladies, you can use that, especially if they mention God in their profile.
If they're mentioning God in their profile, then I say that question, go for it.
Yeah.
All right.
That's great. And also the second thing about my criteria, it's not screening all the men out.
It's just I need to screen.
Yeah, you can't.
I'm going bananas if I just check.
You're not wanting all those yeses like I said early on today.
You're like, that's too many.
I can't.
You have too much drama.
So I am.
I'm checking out two men so far and messaging.
Whatever.
Thank you.
That's it.
Awesome.
Thank you, Karen.
Appreciate you.
All right, Shelly.
We've been, I know she and I, Shelly, she had some things before the update on our app, too.
I know she was processing some stuff, too.
And then the post had disappeared and I couldn't pull it back up because I had been asking her questions.
So, Shelly, I don't know if you're nearby.
You can unmute.
I'm glad to see you.
I'll give you a minute here.
I don't know if she's nearby.
I see lots.
Some of these good old chats here.
I like it when my thing does not scroll down.
Because now I've got, like, several that I have just not been seeing because it hasn't been moving.
I don't know if Shelly is able to unmute just right yet.
Is there a UK single city?
Possibly.
Check out the resource tab.
I know we've had several ladies in that region.
I know, probably like six months ago, I know I was coaching a woman in France and a woman in Scotland.
So I know there's some, they were such beautiful women.
They're in phase three now.
But I know that there's more than that.
I mean, I know we've got women even in Africa.
I know there was, like, Tanzania.
I just did a one-on-one call with a woman, I think she's in phase one, from, oh, where is she from?
Nambia, which is, like, between South Africa and then I'm going to mispronounce it, Angola or something.
I don't know if I got that right.
But we have members in this community from all over the world.
Posted in the DC singles.
So you would be in Facebook, the Facebook singles group.
So you would have to have a Facebook account.
And then you would join that.
You'd have to have the code, which is in the resource tab.
You need to check out that link.
That document will have the codes for all of those.
Because everyone's like, what's the code?
I don't get the code.
It's literally in the document.
You've just got to look at the document.
And then they'll accept you in.
If it's, like, a week or so and you still haven't gotten in, like, post a message and we can probably reach out to whoever's leading or moderating that group and see if, you know, like, hey, did you go in and make sure that you're approving people?
And then after that, you would just post.
And then usually that person will have to approve the post.
Yeah.
Okay.
So that was that.
I'm still reading here.
So then someone was like, yep, Jackie mentioning that, you know, people have missed out getting married because they thought their husband had a specific name.
So, yes, like, that has happened.
So that's why when Sam was bringing up that.
Yeah.
I mean, again, like, God's got him this up and, you know, this gentleman that Sam's talking that she's friends with.
And so we're not going to sit there and try to control that and coach him in that area.
God's got to do that for him. So it really is about where we're at.
Let's step out of our control and our will. And we don't have to coach these men.
We don't have to teach these men. We don't have to preach to these men.
That's not what we're having to do. We let that go. We let God sort that out.
Let's see. Someone's not seeing Tuesday night sessions either.
OK, so we will look into that. Insecurities. Good, good, good.
OK. OK, I don't want to run out of too much time. I am going over because I've got two more ladies.
Oh, there's Sheila. Hey, girl. You're on. OK. I've got a few minutes.
I want to take Sheila and Susan. So let's be short, brief and powerful.
OK. And then preaching needed to drive to a meeting. OK, perfect.
All right. I'm trying to get to all these calls or all these things.
OK, so someone's saying they're not seeing in the evening classes.
OK, I'm going to have to look at that. So I'm going to make a note to myself.
All right, Sheila, unmute. Let me know what's up. How are you?
Are you there? There we go. I think I got it. Gotcha. I can hear you now.
All right. I just got pulled over. Oh, no. You just got pulled over. You need to pull over.
Hold on. OK. We're going to we're going to pray over that.
I'm going to I'm going to talk to that officer if you're getting pulled over.
No, no, no, no, no. No, sorry. I had to pull over because I love that you're being safe.
I love that. Ladies that are ever driving in the car pull over.
OK, you don't. But if we have to have a conversation with an officer and we have to pray over it.
Don't think that I won't. OK, because I will. And let's just hope he's he or she is a Jesus follower.
All right. All right. What you got for me, girl? Oh, man, I have so much and I don't even know where to start.
And I'm coming out of work. So my brain is mush. I know I had put a bunch of different questions in the community.
But when I looked this morning, I don't think anybody had really seen them. So I'm not quite sure.
Were that had they been replied to at all or were these the ones that because I know you and I, I was I'd asked you some questions like a few weeks ago and we were going to start processing through some.
Was that the one that you were talking about? Yeah, one of them. And then there's been a couple since then.
So I've kind of had a bunch of different things going on and. OK, let's pick one. I've got your name written down and I have like all these exclamation points because I'm going to try one thing in my side to see if I can't literally just pull up all of your specific post and then comb through and see what I can get in hopes that I can hit them that way.
So that way we can unpack. So give me the one that's like been burning the most that you're like, Carla, I just need you to help me with this one right this second.
OK.
OK, I guess I'll go with this one. So is.
So I work with in a day program with adults with disabilities and I've been on the waiting list to bring someone into my home so that, you know, it's an added income and stuff.
And the person they fit me with was not a good fit, so I can't see how that will work, but.
She could potentially match me with someone else. What I'm wondering is if is that going to hinder finding someone like finding a spouse? You know what I mean? Is that going to put people off if I have somebody living in my home who has a disability?
OK, well, let me ask you this. Did God put it on your heart? But is this something that you feel like God is literally telling you, you know what, I've called you to.
You know, serve and.
Love on people with a disability and you know, I'm giving you this opportunity. Do you feel like this is a God?
door open for you in this situation having someone in your home and being able to
To walk through that like do you feel like that has been God putting that in your life?
Do you have peace about that?
Yes, but this was before I had planned on ever dating. So now I'm feeling a little conflicted inside
I'm not sure like
Okay, so
You've got some conflict so that that felt like that was on your heart you feel like God led you to that right you're like
Okay, God
you've just put this on my heart and
I wasn't thinking about dating and now I'm in a situation where I could be bringing somebody in my in my home, but oh
How is this gonna affect dating because I really want to date
All right
What do you think?
What
Concern, do you have how dating might affect that like how how you having someone in your house would affect dating?
How do you think someone might?
approach that
Well, I went on a date last week and it had come up and I wonder if it's one of the reasons why
Like he didn't want a second date. You know what I mean? I guess that's kind of
Kind of
Put the thought more into
Well, I guess let me ask you this do you
When you think of a husband your future husband
Do you believe that?
your husband is going to
Want to walk out what God is placed in your heart
Do you think he's gonna want to come alongside you and walk through that and honor and and respect what God has placed in?
your heart, I
Mean, I would hope so
Right. Okay, so any
Husband that's gonna any man that's gonna come into your life
Right and
Is God fearing
He wants a relationship with the Lord wants a relationship with you who desires that who sees that you have a relationship with the Lord and
Loves that you have a relationship with the Lord. Is he not gonna want to honor what God's already called you to do?
So if God is calling you
To
Bring people in to help them with their disabilities
Whoever you date
Are they going to honor and respect are they going to feel threatened or not want to date you?
Because you have someone living in your home, or are they gonna see?
Or inquire like oh tell me more about that. You know, did you did you explain to him?
Like yeah, I have someone coming in my home and this is why this is what I I felt led to do
And this is why
Um
I think that
So
The person that I had been working with
I've been on the fence whether it was a good match
Yeah, so that purse that person the first person that you're like, this isn't a good yeah
So I think I approached it maybe
Probably the wrong way which
I think
Sorry, I read whatever popped up and now I lost my train of thought
I
Have a little bit of ADHD so I get that
What was they saying so so when you went out on a date with this this guy when you were
Explaining the situation. Did you kind of explain it to him with the with the one person that just wasn't a good fit?
Yes
Probably just didn't have it probably just didn't sit well because you were like this. It's just not a good situation
Could it have come across like oh, that's a little bit uncomfortable. I don't know if I want to like do it like do that
Well, I question what I said was
Because this person it was
Somebody who needed like 24 hour like attention
it was just too much for me and I was kind of on the fence about it and my people-pleasing was
basically running the show and
Yeah
So it was one of those things where I was kind of like,
oh, I feel like I'd be losing my independence.
And he's like, well, isn't that what you signed up for?
And I was just kind of like, hmm.
So I can see like for me saying something like that
might put off someone who's looking for somebody serious.
You know what I mean?
Thinking, oh, well, she wouldn't want to commit to me either
because, you know, she's afraid to lose her independence.
So I see like that probably wasn't the right thing to say.
Yeah, so that's where, so that's really good.
I like that you're kind of recognizing that.
So do you see how you've got this, you know,
now you've got this concern, this, you know, this insecurity
like it's me having someone live in my home
gonna cause someone not to want to date me.
So now if you have that in your mind,
you see how it's kind of showing up already.
You're almost like,
now it's like the way you're speaking about it.
It's almost, you're kind of like making it happen.
Not that you're intentionally meaning to do that.
But again, it's going into it be like, you know what?
No, I'm gonna like, Lord, what is the truth here?
Lord, I have a, you put this desire in my heart.
You've called me to do this.
I have peace about it.
Like I'm serving you.
And so what's, why did I choose to do this?
Was it, is it, is it your will?
Is it your will?
Is my heart pure to this?
And if it is, how can I express that
to whoever it is that I'm meeting
if I'm explaining this to them?
And that person, then they get to decide
whether they see that and they're like,
wow, that's really awesome.
I love that about her,
or I want to get to know more about her.
Or, you know, that's really cool.
Like they get to decide,
do they continue to walk with you?
And if that's not for them, that's okay.
You kind of want people to kind of exit themselves out.
It's okay, again, as long as you,
if you are showing up with confidence that,
you know, I am walking in who I am,
who God has created me,
stepping into what he's had me do,
I don't have to fear anything.
God's got somebody out there for me.
And you know what?
If anybody comes in my life that isn't for me,
God's going to remove them.
He's going to have them bow out.
And that's okay.
That doesn't reflect that I'm doing something wrong.
It just means it's not for them.
And that's all right.
Go into it with the confidence and being like,
you know what, God, is this what you called me to do?
And again, you are the one that's going to go to the Lord
and you know what your conversations with the Lord looks like.
You know how you hear from him and what he speaks to you.
But I want you to make sure that you're paying attention.
Are you hearing him or are you hearing yourself
in the doubt?
Yeah.
You're doubting yourself like,
you know what, if I walk this out Lord,
then that means no one's going to want to date me.
Well, no, that's not true.
Because if God called you to it
and God's also called you to marriage,
God's got someone that's going to literally partner with you
and is going to appreciate and honor that and respect that.
And then guess what, if you do that,
and then a man is walking alongside you
and you see all these fruits,
and then, you know, God's kind of like putting on your heart
like, you know what, maybe it's time to kind of remove this.
You know, I've called you to that
and now I'm going to go ahead and release you from that.
Guess what, you're going to have a husband that is going to,
you know, let's say you guys get married
or you're going to walk into engagement.
You're going to have a partner
that's going to also walk you through that.
And again, there's going to be a consideration,
a respect and honoring.
You know, one of the one things that my husband did early on
when he asked me about wanting kids,
y'all, I wanted more kids.
I wanted to have another baby.
And that was on my non-negotiable.
You know, if guys had vasectomies, they were,
if they got the snip, then they got the snip from me.
And then if they wanted to move,
if they didn't want to move to Florida,
I wasn't leaving Florida.
They got, sorry, boy, that's a non-negotiable.
But I got really challenged when Jackie's like,
Carla, you need to take some of your non-negotiables.
Maybe moving is, maybe relocating is on the table for you.
And here's why, take it to the Lord.
And that's literally when my husband came around.
And then I found out he was living in Texas.
I thought he was in Florida and I was like, dang it.
And then he had had a vasectomy and I was like, dang it.
But I was like, you know what?
I'm just going to get to know him.
Like literally just get to know him
and we'll see where this goes.
Once I got to know him and then there was.
It's like, Oh, this actually, this guy is a solid guy.
If he would reverse his vasectomy and move to Florida, I literally was like,
okay, Lord, um, maybe this guy is for me.
Maybe you can change his heart.
You're told me he's like, Carla, I told you, because then I had the
conversation with my husband.
Cause he's like, look, I've had a vasectomy and I don't want more kids.
And he's like, I need to know from you, like, where are you at with that?
And I told him, I mean, I told him like why I wanted kids and all that.
And he said some hard things to me.
He's like, well, are you truly wanting more kids because you think God is
calling you to have more kids?
Or are you only wanting more kids because you're trying to fulfill something
you feel like you didn't get before?
I was like, dude, who do you think you are?
I mean, at first it was kind of like, excuse me.
But when he said it and I sat with it for just, I mean, it literally only had to
take me like a few minutes to kind of go sit with it and God was like, you, that
man said that from a heart of just, he was speaking truth to you, Carla.
And he wasn't saying that to insult you.
He wasn't saying that to control you.
He wasn't saying that to, to manipulate you in any way.
He was really saying it because he wanted to make sure like, you know, he knew that
he wasn't going to have more kids and he wasn't trying to like fool you or disguise
you.
He was just being completely real.
And he wanted you to take that.
And he's like, and now Carla, you're coming to me and you're asking me.
And he's like, he told you something hard that led you to come to me, Carla.
And I'm telling you that I told you you were going to have more kids.
I never said you were going to birth them.
And I was like, what?
He's like, you get more kids.
You get two out of this deal.
You get another two.
It's just not in the way that you thought you heard me say to you.
And so sometimes it is that partnership of, you know, having someone that's going to
walk alongside you and give you those questions, but it will feel, and you'll know it's
different because it's not going to be coming from a place where you feel like you're
going to have to people, please.
It's coming from a place where this guy is literally just, he's a good guy, whether
he's your guy or not.
He is going to just be an honoring, respectful, mature, masculine man, because
ladies, I dated a lot of those mature, masculine men that were not my men.
They're out there.
And I was like, dang it, why isn't he mine?
Because he's a really good one, but he's not mine, so I got to release them.
OK, so there will be men that will show up like that.
But I want you to just, again, sit in the knowing.
That.
Whatever you're called to do, just continue to walk out the steps of what God's called
you to do and other things in life, and God's going to come meet like those men are just
going to come.
You're not going to push a man away just because you're stepping into something that
God's calling you over here to do.
Now, are you going to sit in that season?
Are you going to have someone living in your home?
When you get engaged and married, who knows, I don't know what God has for you, maybe,
maybe not.
I would think probably not you're going to want a home of your own, but who knows?
Maybe your future husband has a calling on his life for the same thing.
We don't know what that looks like.
This gets to be God's love story that he has written for you, not the one that we
write for ourselves.
So sit in that process, spend some time asking yourself, you know, where do where did I
start believing these these things that, you know, I'm in control of what God's got for
me or if I do something, then he's going to he's going to withhold something from me.
Is there ever a time in your life, in your past where you felt like God withheld
something from you or someone like a father or a parent or a teacher or a coach
withheld something from you that you might be thinking God is now going to withhold
something from you.
And let's walk through and see what if there's healing that that needs to come
through there as well.
Where did that where did that lie come in?
And let's replace it with God's truth.
And say, Lord, I'm so sorry that I doubted you.
I'm so sorry that I thought that, you know, if I walked in something that you call me
to do, that I literally could interrupt your plans.
I can't interrupt your.
plans Lord not if I'm walking in your desire for me. You know you give me a choice but
every one of my choices you have for my good. You will walk it out. You will see it out because
your will for me is joy and maturity and growth and nothing that I decide you're not going to
call it for good. How's that feel? That's a lot. Yeah. I think a lot of it's also rooted in
feelings of rejection I guess. Yeah. Yeah.
Well and that's part of the process and that's what we're here for Sheila.
This is good. It is good to cry. It's good to let out the vulnerability.
This is where the healing comes. You are making great progress. You are getting breakthrough.
Like trust in that process. Would it be okay to be able to hop on at 2 30 on Tuesdays
like if you just expect that that's what I'm going to hop on? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.
Because I hate that I haven't been able to like I feel like I'm not
being able to you know process things fully I guess. I definitely still come in the app like
right now like the app is a little funky like I said I was on earlier I know you were on but
we are in that process like we started getting a no flow and then they did an update and then
it like crashed my like admin like to be able to get notified when y'all were like responding to me
and I'm like no I have women processing stuff with me right now I can't have that happen.
So I'm in the works. I have an email out. I am literally doing my best to troubleshoot
so still show up as much as you can the app because again we can't always like go into depth
but if you and I will be processing what we can through the week because I mean it sounds like
you still had other things that we want to process I want to be able to pull out the one thing I hope
this you got a little breakthrough here and you could still spend some time processing more with
the lord and continue to keep us updated okay but you're you're doing great this is the this
is part of the work yeah this is what happens like this is where you ladies that show up and
get vulnerable like these are the ladies I see get lots of breakthrough the success stories that
like are powerful are the ladies that show up and get breakthrough like this I watch the um
Supernatural Saturday last night which was helpful because yeah like I've been dealing with
more of the the stuff that come back up again like the people pleasing and the rejection stuff
which I thought I had dealt with so that was kind of helpful to it comes up in layers it does yeah
so that's why Supernatural Saturday is so good because it you'll be surprised like it just
I still listen to it you know and I'm married y'all but I'm telling you I'm
heartworking through marriage like thank god Jackie just literally launched a
heartwork for couples like me and my husband and like three or four other couples just went through
it and y'all get excited because when y'all get married you get to do that with your husbands
too once you've spent some a few years married you're gonna want that it'll be good it'll be
good for you especially you know once you got a couple years in you know and my husband is now
like he's in the men's community and he's like on he like randomly like went on the call last
night and I'm sitting there like going in and out of the bedroom helping my son with his math
homework and I go in like a second or third time and I'm like is that David Dorman's voice that I
hear like what what's what are you doing and like he comes out he's like yeah I was I was on the
men's call I'm like I'm like good like he's he's invested in the heartwork stuff too because he
realizes the value of it and he's listening to Supernatural Saturday as well so ladies I don't
want you to get beat up or you feel let down or don't lose hope or get discouraged when some of
those things that you thought you dealt with resurfaced and don't think that you didn't deal
with him ladies you did you did process through this stuff in heartwork you did there's just
another layer and it's okay and that's what we're here for in this community and that's
That's why I'm thankful that Jackie's incorporating
marriage groups in it.
I mean, I've been waiting for a while.
I mean, luckily, she let me stay in because she's like, hey,
I need you to coach.
You're married now, but will you stay?
Will you help coach?
And I'm like, yes, I will.
So ladies, don't get discouraged and think
that hard work stops.
It will.
It still continues, OK?
How do you know when you're ready to move on to phase 3?
Well, I always tell you ladies, make
sure you get through the video content.
Stay here at least four to five weeks.
But I also let you ladies know, you
don't have to rush through it.
If you are comfortable here, and you're
kind of wanting to work through this dating process,
and you want the extra support in the dating process,
and you want extra help in that as you're dating and working
through some hard work stuff, you can stay here.
And once you kind of feel like, OK, I got this now.
I'm working through this, and I'm good.
And then you feel like God is giving you
the green light to go through, then you can go through.
And sometimes, ladies like to stay here.
And I'm like, girl, you've got so much growth.
You're ready.
I have a few girls I've done that with.
Girl, you're ready.
You're ready.
I don't know.
OK, well, that's fine.
You can stay here.
But I'm telling you, you're ready.
And then they eventually are like, OK, Carla, you're right.
I'm ready.
I'm like, OK, you're good.
Myself and Ebony, we'll let you ladies know, too.
Like, hey, we see the growth, and you'll hear it.
You'll start hearing us more often say, hey, you're ready.
You're ready.
OK, thank you.
You just let us know when you think you're ready.
I have one more quick question.
I know we've got to end this, right?
Yeah, I've got to still take Susan here.
OK, so is there any point in a long-distance relationship
with no person?
I know the answer to this already.
But we're interested in each other,
but he's a couple states away.
But it doesn't seem like either one of us
would be able to move.
And I posed that to him.
And he's like, well.
If neither of you can move, then no.
I didn't think so.
And he's like, well, let's meet anyways and just
see what happens.
And I'm just kind of like, eh, well, what's the point, really?
Well, I would just say, look, I'd
be interested in entertaining that if you
think that moving would be an option for you.
But I know that moving is not an option for me.
OK.
Yeah.
Put the boundary up.
Yeah.
All right.
Because maybe that's why he's saying, oh,
well, let's see what happens.
Because maybe he would consider it if something.
Well, OK, well, I'll consider it if you
think that if things go well, you be willing to move,
then we can talk about that.
But I can't move.
And so if you 100% cannot move, then I'm not
going to move forward with this.
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
Thank you so much, Sheila.
All right, Susan, thank you for being so patient.
How are you?
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
No problem.
Thank you.
I haven't seen you yet.
I've messaged with you on apps.
Yes, I know.
And I've seen your post.
And I know you're like, I posted.
And I don't know, have I gotten to all yours?
I thought I've responded.
I don't know if I have.
No, it's OK.
It's OK, though.
I'll just ask you real quick right now.
That's all I have.
Perfect.
Just a couple quick logistic easy questions.
So I matched with this guy at the beginning
of when I was just starting to date in October
on Facebook dating.
And we had a nice phone call.
And he was out of town working.
And he works out of town for months.
And I said, oh, well, when do you get back to town?
And he's like, you don't want to know.
He never even really answered the question.
And I was like, oh, boy.
Yeah, and so anyway, he kind of ended the call
because he was still working.
And it was like, I don't know, 630 at night.
And then I didn't have a lot of experience.
So I never really reached out or followed up.
You know what I mean?
Hey, it was really nice talking to you the other day.
Did you want to talk again or anything?
And so I didn't hear from him either.
But I really liked the call.
He's ambitious.
I like he has his own business, like me.
We have things in common.
And I really liked his family background.
He sounds like he comes from a strong group of believers.
I think his parents or his grandparents
started 50 churches.
And his grandma knows about healing.
And I'm really passionate about that.
And he's probably one of the most physically attractive guys
that I've matched with.
So I was really interested.
He just messaged me like two weeks ago out of the blue
and said, hey there.
And I mean.
And there was since the phone call in October.
And I was like, so I think I put back,
oh, hey, I'm surprised to hear from you.
And that's all I put.
And then he didn't say anything.
So I'm like, oh, well, maybe I should give it like a chance.
Should I text him and say like,
hey, it was nice you reached out like two weeks ago.
Are you back in town?
Yeah, you back in town?
Were you interested in connecting?
Yeah, I would just, yeah, be forward about it
and see like, hey, what's going on now?
Is he out of town like often?
Like, does he go out of town frequently?
You think he's gonna be out of town a lot?
I think so, but I can't, I'm not sure, but I think so.
I think if you just wanna get to know him
and see where he's at and see if when he's in town,
like see what that looks like.
I don't see there's anything wrong.
Cause again, this is discovery dating.
See what you like, see what you don't like.
Again, this is one of those situations where,
if he's frequently out of town
and you're wanting to date someone
and as you get to know him, like how realistic is it
that you're gonna be able to get to know somebody
that's not around a lot?
Right.
And even ladies, when you're long distance dating,
it's still important that if you are open to long distance,
that you are open to being able to commit
to being able to visit them frequently.
Cause-
Which I would, yeah, which I would be able to,
cause I'm like self-employed
and I don't even work that much anymore.
So I am like, I have total freedom and I'm also not,
I don't wanna use the word clingy, but I'm not,
that's probably what got me in trouble in the past
is I was like too fine with distance
and the last relationship didn't end up being good
cause he was cheating, but-
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
So yeah, that's what I'm saying.
That's what you wanna really make sure.
And again, it's not because you're, I mean,
I was in a long distance relationship
and I wasn't coming and seeing him
and he wasn't coming to see me
because we were worried that we were gonna be cheating.
You know, it was just more or less
as we needed to get to know each other.
We needed to do life together the best way that we could.
Cause I mean, if we were gonna commit
to exclusive relationship and engagement
and then eventually get married, I mean, when we had kids
and you know, that was important.
Like we needed to have life experience, not long distance.
I had to see him in his element with his friends and family.
He needed to see me in my element
with my friends and family.
Like that was important.
You need to see how people show up in their daily life.
And so you wanna spend as much frequent time as you can,
not because you're worried that they're cheating,
but you wanna make sure that you are,
you aren't like, oh, well, it's okay.
I don't need to see you.
I can just do a video call with you or whatever.
No, you wanna invest that time still.
For sure.
Right.
Yeah, I'd say, reach out and say, hey, like you reached out.
Like, are you in town?
Are you wanting to get together?
How are things?
But I wouldn't make a habit,
like if he's not gonna initiate
or you guys aren't gonna like try to get something
on the calendar, even if it's a video call.
Yeah.
Like get something where you're gonna get
to see a face-to-face video or in-person
sooner rather than later.
So then you can kind of see where that goes.
Okay.
But we don't want a lot of pen-palling.
Yeah, no, totally.
No, exactly.
Okay, that's good.
Is there anything else?
Yeah, just real quick.
The other one was-
Yeah, no, because I know you had posts
and I'm like, I can't find all of that.
It was one that you helped me with,
which was really helpful.
It was a guy that he was an hour and 20 minutes late
calling me and I kind of had attitude.
And you helped me kind of examine
why I had an attitude about that.
And I said, it's because I had like,
just stood up for a date and I had like contractors
on a house I was flipping, manipulate me.
And I just was kind of in a like a defensive place.
So anyway, he's a nice guy.
Like he kind of still laughs about it.
He's like, oh, that first call was funny.
So I'm glad like you gave it that other opportunity
and like he like, so that went well then?
Yeah, no, we had a nice first call
and then he missed the second call.
He apologized after.
And again, I think you guys encouraged me to give him grace.
So I gave him grace.
We set up a third call.
He missed it again.
And I felt myself even like a few minutes before the call
being like, oh, this guy better not even.
I was just ready for like,
and he did and I was like, I got a little triggered.
I got a little ticked, but then I was like, okay,
he's a firefighter, he's on call.
Maybe he got called in a fire.
Let me give him a chance to explain.
So that's what turned out happening.
He's like, I'm so sorry.
a little girl drowned.
It was like a sad day.
It, you know, that's where I was, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, we did do a FaceTime.
It was cool.
What was my question?
I don't know what my question is.
Oh.
Well, you gave him grace
because we were walking through and like, you know, yeah.
So, and then he was kind of like,
joked about that call, did he not?
Yes, yes, he joked about the call.
Okay, you all still getting to know each other or?
Yeah, like he went out of town with some guys
for his birthday to the Dominican Republic.
And there's a few things that I'm like,
like you said, I think his friends want him to party.
And he's like, I'm 40, I'm past this.
I can't wait to come home.
And I'm like, okay.
And then we were on FaceTime and someone interrupted him
and he went, Jesus.
And I was like, okay, don't like that.
But I'm like, okay.
And then like he had mentioned on the phone to me,
that he was raised Christian and stuff.
But I think he said he described himself as lukewarm.
So I'm trying to see what, okay,
well, what does his lukewarm mean?
But like, I think I'm open to just,
you know, like dating for discovery and stuff like that.
Yeah, you're getting to know like what you like,
what you don't, like not coming in with like this criteria.
Like he's gotta be there.
Because again, ladies don't come into it like,
is he my husband?
He's not like, just see how he shows up.
Yes.
Yes, I have to keep remembering.
Stop like looking for husband.
They can be lukewarm Christians,
but are they like lukewarm
and they're like ready to get like drenched?
Like they are like seeking and they just like,
they're there.
Like they're, you know, they're seeking it out.
And like, then yeah, by all means.
You know, I mean, I think everyone has a season
in their life when they're, you know,
we have ups and downs in our walk.
You know, we go through some things.
And so we don't ever wanna sit here
and just determine that someone is gonna be lukewarm
and stay lukewarm.
Yeah.
But, you know, it's something that's like,
to me, those are just yellow flags.
Like, okay, let's see.
Let's see, let's see where his fruit is.
What fruit does he have?
What do I like?
Is this something that, you know,
he's showing up and I'm like, you know.
And again, I always encourage you ladies
before assuming anything or thinking one thing,
always ask questions for clarity.
When you think about something
and you think it could look some way, ask a question.
Give them an opportunity to explain it in their words
because sometimes they'll confirm it.
And sometimes they'll surprise you and be like,
oh, that is not what I thought they were saying.
They were actually saying something different
and I like that answer.
Or, oh, I don't like that answer.
It's now it's a no for me.
Like, so whatever that looks like.
Right.
Yeah, that helps a lot.
And then like a thing that's kind of happened a few times,
like it happened with him too.
Like there was a few days where I didn't hear from him
and then I reached out,
like I don't really like to text every day, honestly.
Like I'm like, I haven't even met you.
So I like kind of prefer a few days to go by,
but I messaged him and then I said like,
I don't know, hey, whatever, how are you?
He's like, oh, he sent me an audio.
Like, honestly, I'm kind of telling on myself right now.
Don't judge me.
But I kind of went with my gut
that you weren't that interested in me.
And so that's why you didn't hear from me.
And you know, whatever.
So I was like, oh, well, thanks for being honest.
I mean, I haven't met you to tell you
if I know if I like you or not, you know?
So how long have you all been chatting?
I don't know.
I think we matched a few weeks ago.
Okay, does he live close?
He lives here, but he works in California.
So he flies there every like few days to work
and then come back.
That's another one, get an in-person sooner.
Yeah, I need to get an in-person.
Yeah, I'm honestly not sure if I'm attracted to him either.
And I'm trying to say like, yeah, after a couple of weeks
and if, oh, I didn't think you were,
well, how do I know if I'm interested in you
if I haven't met you in person?
Yeah, I think that was like maybe after the first week
that he said that.
Yeah, because you don't want this like
where you feel like you have to kind of chase him.
Yeah.
You know, again, like.
Right.
Ladies, that's another reason why I'm like,
just get the phone, like the video calls
or the in-person dates sooner rather than later
because we want more of a reciprocation.
And, you know, it's okay if men have insecurities.
It's okay if they're not sure.
but we don't want them to sit there and not participate where they're stuck in
their like insecurities oh like you know cuz again there are men out there that
will they're just on online dating for dopamine hits I'm not saying that that's
the case with this guy I mean again we're not anything but this is why it's
important that we get in front get those in-person dates give up someone the
benefit of the doubt get to know them give them the opportunity to reciprocate
back you know we don't want to feel like we're having to pull them along and do
the work for them does that mean that we let them do it all we show interest okay
some of these guys need a little little encouragement they need to know that
you're interested in them yeah but not so much that you're always the one
showing them that it's pretty clear and they're just not taking it they're just
you know waiting to get oh I like it when she tells me that she likes me and
she's reaching out to me all the time that's that's a little boy at that point
for someone to to give him a cookie again that again we're not judging those
men right but you know bless them they can get their healing however they need
to get it God's got them on a journey but we don't have to be the one to be
their coach their mother their their teacher like we don't have to do that
mm-hmm we don't want to show them how to be a
masculine man mm-hmm it's I feel bad it's like and it's not attractive it's
like kind of a turnoff to like there was this other guy imagine he seemed like a
great Christian guy we went on a first date and he was nervous a little bit and
like I was open I told him at the end I'd go again I said I had a nice time it
wasn't like oh like it you know huge spark or anything but like there was
multiple times where he texts me and then you know a few days ago by and I'd
reach out and then he'd be like oh honestly I just thought you were
interested in me and like it was just multiple times or it's fine if you just
want to be friends and it was kind of yeah so exactly exactly let me see was
there any other questions yeah and then I imagine this other guy and he was
perfect gentleman like a communication was good all that nice talk but he was
raised to hold his witness but he's not but he I didn't really get a feel so I
guess I could go again like he's like I'm off I don't like religion I go to
church sometimes I'm all for like I love God God loves me but I kind of was like
not sure where he's at so I guess maybe I could just keep getting to know him I
just don't want to waste like I feel conscious of like wasting guys money too
like he's like oh I look next time I'm gonna make us reservations and I'm like
well maybe I should just suggest coffee or something like you just say hey look
I you don't like we don't have to do dinner reservations like I'm I really
enjoy just like low-key dates where we really get to know each other we can
just go bowling like we can just do something you know fun or just I mean it
can be a coffee it can be going and getting ice cream it doesn't have to be
this sit-down dinner but I want you ladies to understand to like guys get a
decision on how they show up to like it's not on us to feel like we're the
ones forcing them to take us to nice restaurants and do all of those things
that's their decision okay we can give other ideas and say hey like if that's
what you want to do that's that's fine but we can also do this this or this we
just want to go for a walk in the park or we want to you know go axe-throwing I
don't I mean whatever hat like whatever interest yes there is like axe-throwing
I love axe-throwing it's fun I'm competitive so my second date with my
husband was an arcade you know it's actually kind of funny because he asked
me what my what my favorite just the other day he asked me what was your
favorite part about our second date and I said oh when I kicked your butt in
that game and he's like yeah I'm like why what was your favorite part he's
like oh well you know when we sat down and we had this it was something like
really cute and I'm like yeah no honey I was I said I kicked your butt and you
didn't let me win and I won like I knew like so I mean just things like that
like just going to somewhere where it can just be fun and it doesn't have to
be expensive I mean spend time if that late if ladies I'll leave you with this
if any of you ladies
feel this way about, oh, wasting a guy's money or wasting a guy's time and feeling subconscious.
I want you to spend some time with the Lord on that and figure out where is that coming from.
Okay, where do we take on that responsibility? And not saying that there are not women out there
that actually do abuse it. There are women out there that literally do abuse men for that. They
want them to take them out to all the nice restaurants with the intention of not really
truly wanting to value the guy. And if that is your heart, you need to go check it with the Lord.
But if you're sitting here conscious about it, chances are that's not your heart. It's your
concern that that's how it's going to be portrayed. So that is not your heart.
Right. So it's discovering, okay, where does, what's that rooted in?
Yeah. I think my mom kind of gives me sometimes coaching like that. And, but I could see how
that would be codependent. I think my mom sometimes is like giving me coaching like that.
And, but I think I could see how that could be codependent because it's like, it's up to him to
decide. But I just like, I'm in my head thinking like, oh, I probably make a ton more money than
him. And I'm probably not, it's probably not even going to go anywhere. Like he doesn't seem like
he's on my level spiritually. Oh, I feel bad. Like, yeah. Using his money.
Well, that's where, again, like I always suggest like give the options, like you get to like, if
some men feel like they have to, they have to perform. It's like, um, was like the peacock and
the feathers. Like they feel like they just have to like fluff up and they have to like be the
brightest, like bird and like that. I understand that. But when we can come in and be like, Hey,
I would have, oh, like we can do that. Or what do you say about doing this? Offering something else
and letting them say, oh no, but I really wanted to. Okay. Like, like let them leave that if that's
what they want, but give them that option. If you feel like then you actually are giving them an
opportunity to where, if that is something that is on their mind and they're concerned about,
you gave them an opportunity out. And then now whether they choose, chose it or not,
that's on them. Come back on you. Right. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Thank you. And sometimes
ladies, if you're on online, you can put that in your profile, like, Hey, dates,
like kind of dates that enjoy lists and dates that are inexpensive. So that guys know in the
So that guys know in the beginning, Oh, I can just go do this. And, you know, that, that might
help lower their anxiety, if you will, you know? Right. Yeah, for sure. And like, I know Ebony
mentioned, you know, like people not touching you and stuff, like, especially on the first date.
And so we were leaving in the restaurant, walking to the car and he kind of like went behind me
and like kind of touched my waist and the smaller back for like a brief second to move me to the
other side of him because he wanted to walk on the outside to protect me. But like, do you have
any thoughts? Is that okay? My husband did that, but my husband actually asked my permission
on our first date. If he could hold my hand. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Again, that was just a boundary
thing. I mean, again, like I was okay with like a handhold or something. Again, my husband was
very mindful of how I felt and what my level of comfort was. Um, I, he asked me for a kiss and I
said, no. And so that was important to me. So again, that's just going to be dependent on
each individual. Again, I, I'm not comfortable if a man is going to touch you ladies and it's sexual.
No. Now, if a man is just trying to help open a door and like help you kind of, you know,
whatever. And if it kind of gives you a cringy, like you can communicate like, Hey, like, thank
you. You know, but again, we want to make sure that it's, is it a response from a trigger, a
wound, or is it, this is just like a discerning, like, I don't like that this man is touching me.
I feel like this is an advance and he's not respecting me. Right. Let's not assume that
it just a glance, like, like, again, he was just trying to provide that. I don't see anything
wrong. Like if a guy is going to just, again, be a gentleman and be protective,
I don't think that that kind of touch is negative. Now I had another date where the guy
did do the small of my back, the grabbing of my hand. And then there was something in me that
like, it felt good. And I was like, Oh, this is, this is nice.
And I was like, this is a first date, Carly, you should not, like, I had to go check myself.
And I was in this community and I went home.
I came to the community and I was like, ladies, I'm going to be open.
And this is how the date went.
And this is something that stirred up in me.
And this is something that God's showing me that I had to work in because I was known
to be physical with people very quickly.
And so that was God saying, Carla, you need to be mindful of this.
God was showing me that this guy was not a guy for me, but I could see how all of a sudden
the touch, the attention, that he was an attractive guy, but he was, he didn't have a lot of guy
friends.
He was in and out of relationships, frequently living with the women.
There was a lot of, he had lots of foul language, he had a good job, I think.
But I'm like, there was, I mean, it literally like just those things that I was like, he's
attractive, he had a good paying job and he, whatever.
And then he's giving me attention and like holding my hand and grabbing me in the crowd
and you know, showing me off basically.
Like I felt very much seen and it felt good and I was like, but Lord, the man cusses like
a sailor, which look like sometimes like there's just get it, whatever that for me,
I'm like, that's not attractive at all.
And again, he was living with girlfriends, like all of his relationships, he had lived
with the girlfriends.
I was like, that's not happening.
When I asked him about friends, he was basically like, well, I don't really have any close
friends because I always lived with girlfriends.
And I'm like, well, that's like, those were things that I knew right off the bat.
I'm like, this is not good, but I had to go check myself.
So that kind of touching, I was like, I had to go check that.
So it's about what, what does it stir in you?
What do you notice?
But again, like my husband, he was like, can I hold your hand?
I was like, yeah, because to me it was, it was an innocent, like he was just literally,
you know, right.
It was harmless.
You know, and obviously he wanted to kiss me, you know, I'm like, dude, you're going
to have to wait.
And even then, after I kind of explained it to him, he, even after we got exclusive, he's
like, I just want you to know that I know you, you know, you wanted exclusivity before
kissing, but I don't want you to feel like just because we're exclusive, he's like, I'm,
I want you to let me know when you're ready.
And he let me kind of lead that, but he, you know, he led the conversation, which led
me to feel more comfortable.
So yeah, the whole, you just got to check, check your heart, check where you're at with
it, put boundaries up if you need to, but you can discern if they're being creepy or
not.
Yeah.
I totally trust that.
Okay.
All right, ladies.
I hope that was a good call.
Thank you so much.
I will double check on that Tuesday night thing and see if we can't get that fixed in
the group.
Loretta, I did see, I don't know if she's still on here or not Loretta.
I don't know what it is because the way I wrote it, it looks like a U not a V. I did
see your message that you have a post.
So I will be looking at that shortly.
I think everybody else that I get to, I hope again, ladies, thank you so much for being
patient with our app right now.
I'm hoping that we can get that sorted out sooner rather than later.
And all right, well have a great rest of your day.
All right, ladies.
We'll talk to you soon.