Nadine, this is a beautiful picture of you.
Oh, thanks.
I took it when I started doing real estate not too long ago, but yeah, it's been a while.
Yeah.
Wow.
How old are you?
Like 27, 28?
I'm 33.
Oh, okay.
Let me adjust this laptop.
So, did we have a good week, lady?
All feeling under the weather, I understand.
My throat has been a bit scratchy tonight for some reason or another, so I totally understand.
Oh, you've been sick all week too, Emily?
Oh, no.
Well, let us get started.
I want us to have plenty of time.
Oh, wow.
Good workout.
Jesus, I thank you for these ladies.
I thank you for the opportunity for us to come together to hear the wisdom that you have
stored for us.
I thank you, Father God, that you are working great things.
You have good thoughts toward us, and you always plan for our highest, greatest, best.
And so, we love you, Jesus, and we thank you.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Amen.
So, are there any new ladies on tonight?
Just wave at me if this is your first time joining us.
Stephanie, this is your first time being on with us?
Yes.
I mean, I've done the heart work before, but never got the chance to do Love Accelerator.
But, I mean, I've been in Jackie's program for a long time.
Maybe that's where, but this is my first time on this.
Okay.
Sorry.
It seems like I'm so used to seeing your name.
So, good.
So happy to have you in tonight's session.
Teresa, it's your first time?
It's your first time, too, Chantelle?
Well, good.
We're so happy to have y'all tonight.
I'm Ebony.
Of course, you see my name on the screen.
I'll be the coach for 8 p.m.
And sometimes, every blue moon, if I get to fill in for Carla, I will be the one o'clock.
But literally, it's only been two times since I've been a coach.
So, not hardly ever, if we're going to put it that way.
So, yeah, we're happy to have you.
Just a little bit about myself.
I did this program, I guess, four years ago now.
I am currently a third grade reading English language arts teacher.
Yeah.
I'm saying it's so good to see you.
And Patty and all y'all.
I'll start calling everybody out.
But, yeah.
And so, this was one of – everything about this program is so good.
But I think this phase changed my life the most.
It was the one that I was most resistant to, just because I already had an idea of how things should go, even though I got in the program.
I found that I wasn't really willing to submit to the wisdom that was provided for me.
And so, I hit my head a whole lot before I realized that Jackie's way is better, which is, i.e., God's plan.
So, even when I thought I was signing up for something, I still wanted to have it.
Yes, this is phase two, Stephanie.
I still wanted to have it my way.
And so, dating grew me tremendously, and it helped to challenge me and accelerate me in my own self-awareness.
And so, I am hopeful.
I know this program changes lives, and I know it'll do the same for you.
And I hope that you enjoy phase two as much as I did.
Just a couple of announcements.
Let me see.
Thank you, Auguste, for your extended grace as we navigate the updates.
And so, you may notice that you'll post something or maybe a response to us, and we don't respond back to you.
It's not that we don't want to respond back to you.
We actually don't see it.
And so, sometimes we may log in from the admin side, and it's completely blank.
Like, we don't even see anything there.
Or somebody could say, you know, I responded back to you.
You didn't say anything.
We'll try to go through the system and find where that particular post that something was posted on.
So, there's a lot of delay also.
And so, it's just kind of where we are.
So, please forgive us.
It's not personal.
And if you see, like, oh, they responded to them and not to me, it's not like that.
It's just how it's coming up when we log into the app.
Also, mark your calendars for February 17th.
We are going to do another camera ready for online dates call.
We'll give you feedback.
Oh, yeah.
So, look fancy.
So we can give you feedback.
And so look like you would look
if you were going on a date or try something new,
try a new color, look up your color palette,
ask ChatGBT, put your picture in there,
ask them what clothes look good on you,
what color looks good on you,
what lipstick would look good on you,
how would your hair look differently,
what color would look good on your hair?
Do some research and try your new colors out on us.
Do a color you've never worn before and see what happens.
See, and let us look at you and say,
oh yeah, that really does go with your skin color.
So we want you guys to do that.
Don't forget that Karla and I both accept one-on-one.
If you wanna do any one-on-one coaching,
and you feel like that you have more to be unpacked,
the sessions are 50 minutes
and they are under the resource tab.
So a lot of ladies like to do this
if you don't wanna go back and forth,
there is a fee, a lot of times people ask.
Are you sure the bobstyle would look better on you, Sandy?
I'm sorry, I got distracted with the chat.
But yeah, we have more things to unpack.
I definitely encourage you to do a one-on-one
coaching session and I think they're great.
And I think you would really enjoy it.
All right, here we go, 706.
So this week, and this is the thing that I'm gonna do
because I have to do it, 50 minutes once per week.
So 50 minutes in a session is what you get
with one-on-one coaching.
It's just a nonstop 50 minute session.
I'm gonna set my time, oh, February the 17th
is for when we come dressed camera ready,
doing something new.
The session, I have to be done at 8.30 per my boss.
So I'm gonna set my timer five minutes before 8.30.
When the timer goes out, whether I'm talking
or whether you talking, we have to end the conversation
and then we'll post it in the app, okay?
And so please help me by not being offended
when that happens and follow up with me
because we really do wanna hear what you ladies
have going on and we really do wanna help you
process through things.
I hope there's something that you've been able to tell
about our hearts, that we are all in it with you all.
We are praying for you all
and we wanna see heaven's highest good
happen in your life.
So we are very well invested in who you are
and what heaven has for you.
And more so than anything, we are committed to the vision
that heaven has given to Jackie,
that there's a revival of kingdom marriages
and we are the boots on the ground
and we wanna see God's kingdom come
and his will be done in your life.
And so if we ask you to follow up, please do
because we wanna help you navigate things.
So are there any questions, any thoughts?
Not any questions about coaching, about dating yet,
but just any question about anything that I've said?
I have a question.
This is Eloise.
This is my first week and I have no idea
what we're gonna be doing in this part.
I've been in phase one, it seems like forever.
So I don't know how you do phase two at all.
Yeah, that's a good question, Ms. Eloise.
So what happens in phase two is we want you to watch
at least one video a week,
very similar to what you did in phase one.
And what we're gonna do is you watch the kickoff one.
Jackie, it's just a seven day challenge.
It doesn't mean that you have to get seven days,
but it's just to get your engine running, get you going.
These coaching live calls, coaching that we're doing,
it's for every part of who you are.
It's not just if you're dating.
You're gonna hear a lot of dating questions,
but you'll see as we start processing through things,
dating has more to do with us
than it does with the other person.
And then not only do we process through dating,
you can have family issues
and different types of relationship things that are going on
that we definitely want to process through.
And so we have the coaching sessions on Tuesday.
You can come to 1 p.m. or 8 p.m. or both.
And then we have activations.
We talk about them in our session,
but we also post them so that you can see them
and that you can actually go out and do the activation.
We believe our activations help ignite things
on the inside of us.
I'm convinced that it does.
They're a lot of fun,
and they do help put you in the perspective and mindset
for where heaven is taking you.
Sounds great.
Sounds great?
Yeah.
Oh, great, good.
So tonight, we try to do about 25, 30 minutes
of some sort of teaching to equip you.
And then we try to spend the rest of our time
as much as we have taking on some dating questions
or some challenges that you may be having
and try to navigate those things with you all.
And so tonight we're going to be talking about,
and you'll see.
the rotation of the topics.
So we're not going to be able to cover everything
in 25, 30 minutes.
It's just not possible.
And so you'll see we'll rotate back
through those same topics again and try
to cover more issues that we're having in the area,
equip you more for your capacity or to grow and expand you
in those areas.
So tonight, we're going to be talking
about one of my favorite things, and it's confidence.
Confidence and insecurities.
And they go hand in hand.
They're really, at the core, they're a heart issue.
They're an identity issue.
If there's a heart issue, it's an identity issue.
It's a way in which we see ourselves
that is usually almost always shaped
by how we've been cultivated in life, our past experiences.
Because our past experiences have a lot to do with this,
if we don't get the things healed in our heart,
like you just went through the hard work
and you come into this phase, hard work's not over.
You actually get to work that thing out of you, right?
So now here comes the buffering or the rubbing up against.
And you don't know that it's going to happen,
but it happens so well in dating.
Nothing pulls truth out of you like dating,
because everything in you sends up all these alarms.
And it's like, get back.
Get too close.
Get as much as you want of South.
Most people say when he shows up, they get scared.
Because it's like somebody is getting closer
to the secret space.
And everything in you wants to protect you.
Because as much as you want it,
you know just as much as you want it.
If it falls apart, that's just how bad it's going to hurt.
And we, in a natural way,
like to protect ourselves from hurt.
So with that goal and with that in our mind,
wanting to protect ourselves,
it takes us a while to grow to a secure place.
A secure place usually has a lot to do
with you trusting God more fully
with your destination and your journey.
A lot of times we're trusting with the destination
because you know if he really can't nobody
make it happen for him at this point.
But it's the journey that we like to do it our way.
It's in the journey that we like to put up the walls.
It's in the journey that we like to secure our hearts.
Because though I hear you got about the destination,
the end goal, the journey is what I'm afraid of.
Because a lot of time we have a history with God
and we felt like he didn't come through
the way we thought he should have.
He didn't show up the way we thought he should have.
He didn't protect us or guard us the way we should have.
And a lot of those just are broken things
that happen on the inside of us, right?
We generally don't take account for where we are
and what we were doing and why we were doing it.
We believe that God overrides our will and he does not.
A lot of times we believe that we've been waiting on God
for 20 or 30 years and it's his fault.
Reason why something hasn't happened for us,
that's not true.
And so the reason why I say that is not true,
everybody may have their own personal experience,
but heaven wants more for you
than you could possibly want for yourself.
And sometimes we don't see in life
that we're not in the right alignment
to partner with what heaven wants to do.
And sometimes heaven can come
and we'll put up such a resistance
that we can't even grow in that order.
And I'm gonna give you an example.
Somebody says, hey, take this road, this is the best way.
And you decide, I don't wanna go that way.
No, I wanna do it this way.
And you can find places in your life
where you've hit your head up against the wall
so many times till you just stop and say,
okay, there is a different way.
A lot of times when we're praying with God
and we don't have all of the understanding
of maybe the root systems that are growing in us.
And we keep saying,
but I'm just waiting on God to bring me a husband,
I'm just waiting on God to bring me a husband.
And this man never shows up.
You haven't dealt with any of your root systems though.
There are things in you that naturally push people away.
And you can still with your same mouth
be saying, I'm waiting on God.
I'm just waiting on God.
But we still haven't dealt with a lot of things.
So there are moving pieces when we talk about,
I've been waiting on him.
But I just want to say the same thing Jackie said.
There are no waiting rooms in heaven.
There are no waiting rooms.
There's no 20 year, 30 year waiting room.
And there's no reason why you're being held back
from your love.
So there's nothing about you.
There's nothing about you so horrible.
The reason why you have to be on the bench.
And so I hope that that's a restorative thing for you
that thought that, okay, this time I'm in the game.
And me and coach Jesus, we're going to get it done.
So anyway, so let's go back.
Well, let's keep moving more so.
So you have confidence and insecurities
and they tie hand in hand.
And one of the things I want to kind of touch on.
When there's an insecurity, they feed our triggers.
Sometimes we think we just have triggers,
but insecurity feed into your triggers, especially in dating,
in the place you want to guard yourself the most.
So how can I identify when I have an insecurity?
You usually feel it if you process out loud in the moment.
Out loud, you will have somebody to help you identify it.
But one thing I want to tell you and I want to help you identify insecurities,
especially in dating or in family dynamics, it doesn't matter.
The opposite of insecurity is security.
So it's security or insecurity.
And insecurity, when we don't deal with it to become secure,
we will find a way to engineer safety
because security equals safety.
And if you don't deal with it the right way,
you will engineer a way to keep yourself safe or you feel that keeps you safe.
So how do I identify it?
I identify it when I create my dating
profile and I give a laundry list of things that must be met.
And I say you have to be this,
you have to be this, you have to be this and you have to be this.
And if you're not this and you're not this and you're not this,
you're not this, then we can't do that because you're not A, you're not B,
you're not C, you're not D, you don't speak in tongues.
You don't go to church enough.
Our ministry doesn't align.
You're not this, you're not that.
Now, I'm not talking about the three M's, mature, masculine, marriage minded.
I'm talking about the security test
questions that you want to put a man through in order to guard your heart,
because you're insecure, you're trying to manufacture safety for yourself.
That's how you know when you're operating
from a place of insecurity because you're working to manufacture safety.
And sometimes as women, we feel like if you can just answer these questions, I feel safe.
So tell me you love God and I feel safe.
No, I'm not going to actually take time
to research and observe to see your fruit.
Just say you love him.
That's enough for me.
So that when you find out he doesn't,
you say in return, but you said you love God.
And so a lot of times as women, because our language is communication,
we feel like if you say it, you must mean it.
And I don't have to do any more work after that.
I'm just going to hold you to what you say when the truth is.
Whether a person says they love God or not,
the due diligence wisdom tells me that I take my time and pace and get to know anyone.
OK, and so this has nothing to do, don't hear what I'm not saying,
this has nothing to do with when you're dating, you want someone to be
a Christian, I'm not saying that, like, you know.
So we're not we're not saying that part,
but what I am saying is
your security questions can indicate to you that there's
an insecurity and that you're trying to manufacture safety.
And the best way for safety is to actually enter into enter into a growing
date dating scenario with the person, pace yourself,
pace yourself, pace yourself so that you can get to know them,
because there are certain things if you've been dating long enough,
if a man say per se checks a bunch of boxes, you will shoot up like a jet into space.
And in one week, in two weeks, you'll be in love.
Every day you talk to somebody about, well, I can move there, I can do this.
Oh, it sounds like he's great.
I've never connected with nobody like him before.
And he's just amazing.
It's and it's because of three boxes he checked in one day or two days.
But boxes to us could mean safety.
But true safety, true security is found in pacing in a relationship.
That's called healthy.
What keeps our heart safe?
What keeps us secure?
Boundaries.
Why do boundaries keep us safe and secure?
Because we are a prize.
You are worthy to be loved.
You are worthy to be treated right.
You are worthy to be accepted.
You are a treasure in a jewel, not because you're a woman, but because God made you.
So what happens is you find out that you are treasure.
You find yourself worthy of safety and protection,
not because out of fear of being hurt,
it's because you're a person, right?
And then you submit to boundaries
and boundaries keep you safe.
Questions and questionnaires and all of these,
if this is right or this is right, this is right,
there's some, they're just an attempt
to manufacture security.
I hope I hit that well,
because I kind of hung out there for a little while,
but it really shows up in there
and you can check yourself
when you start doing those things.
You know, or check when you say something
and someone doesn't respond quick enough.
What comes up in your heart?
Do you start to ponder, did I say something wrong?
Did I do something?
When you start off with, did I, did I, did I,
then stop and evaluate and tell yourself this,
if I did do something wrong,
if I did say something they didn't like,
they are big enough and grown enough to let me know.
And if they don't let me know,
that has nothing to do with me.
I don't try to be kind, I am kind.
I don't try to be honoring, I am honoring.
And at any time I don't operate as such,
I expect that person to speak for themselves
and say something.
Until then, they'll get back to me when they want to.
And they do get to show up the way they want to show up,
because if I let them show up the way as who they are,
I can observe their patterns to know
if this is worth my time.
But when we don't allow people to be who they are,
we can't observe them to see their patterns, to know them.
You know, nobody shows up to be evaluated.
And so a lot of times when we have like,
B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B,
we're actually doing it so we can feel safe.
They're like, well, why would I want to talk to you?
I don't want to be evaluated.
Nobody wants to be evaluated.
People want to be seen, heard, and known.
You want to be seen, heard, and known.
Have you ever saw a man on a dating app or talked to a man
and it feels like he got all these little check boxes
and you say to yourself,
I really don't know if I add up to all this.
You'll start to feel like you have to prove yourself
to them, even though they didn't say it.
Who's ever felt that way?
Like, oh, I got to work to prove myself.
That same thing happens when we give out the same thing.
Everybody's just trying to find safety and security.
So even when men do it, they're also seeking the same thing.
They want to feel safe.
They want to feel secure.
So the thing we have to remember is that we're all people.
Nobody is not a person.
And I really, when we see men as enemies
or somebody that's trying to get over on us,
we've taken the facts of our life.
We've taken what has happened in our life,
the facts of our life, and we made them the truth.
And so we've clumped people together
and we said, this is what's true.
But that can't be the case.
Those are facts.
They are not true.
Do you hear me?
What happened in your life was a fact.
It's not true.
And it's not true for every person.
Every one of us, this is something I want to share.
Every one of us have fallen short in some area of our life.
And if you're not able to recognize your shortcomings,
then there needs to be more hard work to be done
because there's a level of self-awareness
that has not come there yet.
So why do I say that?
Because the Bible says with the same measure
in which you judge, you will be judged in return.
And so when we start to judge people
according to some ways,
we must not fail to consider ourselves.
And to consider where we've fallen short
and consider that we want to be accepted.
We want to be seen.
We want to be known.
But the problem is when you're operating in security,
you feel like everybody is a suspect
and you cannot see them as humans.
You only see them as somebody trying to take from you.
Somebody trying to get over on you.
And when you see them as suspect or victims,
this is a ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
not a red flag for them.
A red flag for you.
That, hey, something's out of sort.
I don't even know them.
This is not that you're turning a blind eye
to somebody who's trying to look on you.
This is not that you're turning a blind eye
to somebody who says something foolish to you.
Please don't hear what I'm not saying.
If you have any questions, I do want you to ask me
because I think this is a big deal.
And I think that as we grow in this way, we'll find ourselves feeling more safe.
True safety is an inside job, it's not an outside job.
You feel safe, not because somebody makes you feel safe, you feel safe with you first
and then they create an environment that you recognize safety and you say, okay.
But the first safety happens within you.
And so sometimes how, what does that look like?
Sometimes they look like you saying, oh, well, I just, I can really be, I can be myself with
him.
He makes me feel so safe.
I don't have to feel like I have to guard anything.
And like all of those things in some way, form of fashion are true.
But if the circumstance changed, all of a sudden you're really broken and hurt, right?
What I'm saying to you is, you don't bask in the safety of another person before you
are outside of you having your own safety within.
Does that make sense?
So you may create, it's inviting safe space for me, but it's not bored of my own safety.
And so my own safety that lives within me leads me, it gives me wisdom, it speaks something
to me.
And so even when all these little shenanigans here fall apart, or even if it's family issues
or even if all these, whatever's going on, there's a safety within me that leads me,
that shows me the way.
And so we have to carry our own safety and we have to carry our own wisdom and we carry
them everywhere we go.
So sometimes we take our facts of life and we make them our truths.
And that can't be the case, it's never supposed to be this way.
And this is something you guys went over in phase one in hard work.
So what do I do?
What do I do with my facts that keep contending for truth in my life?
You uproot the roots and you replace them.
You replace it with truth because facts of truth live in two different worlds.
Truth will override facts because truth gives you the greatest perspective, the highest
order, and it gives you freedom.
Freedom is found in truth, bondage is found in the facts of your life, especially if the
facts of your life come from broken, fragmented things, like it's a fact that this happened,
but I don't have to live in this forever.
Have you ever taken something from childhood?
I will say me, that's why we all were in the hard work too, and you've lived it so long,
that's all you know, and it's kept you in bondage so long.
That's what facts can do for you.
It will keep you in bondage.
And so we can't change the facts of life.
We cannot change the facts of some things that have happened to all of us.
What we can do is take a truth and fill that space.
Listen, there are no empty spaces anywhere.
It doesn't work like this.
Something is going to fill the space and we have to determine what is going to fill the
spaces of my heart, of my soul, of my world, of my family dynamics, of anything that's
going on.
So am I going to let a higher truth fill that space?
Or am I going to let lies continue to live there?
And so we uproot lies, we replace them with truth, and then we work that truth every day
until we come into a different revelation of who we are.
You know, a lot of times we'll come into FaceTune, we'll think, I thought I got over this stuff.
That's not quite how that works.
You uproot lies, you replace them with truth, and then you work them until you look in the
mirror and you look like you.
Because what you see in the mirror, when I say you look like it, you're looking back
at you.
And now you become a reflection of power.
You become a reflection of security and safety.
When I say power, empowerment.
Empowerment within you gives you the ability to make the best decisions.
It gives you the ability to submit to wisdom.
It gives you the ability to honor your life, and your body, and your mind, and how you
to operate, that's what happens.
And so you keep working it until it's perfected in you.
The facts don't go anywhere.
They're still there.
And actually I love how even in my own life,
the facts have become my stepping stone.
It has become the podium per se that I stand on
and tell a higher truth for other people to be set free.
You don't have to suppress them.
You don't have to stuff them in a closet and hide them.
That doesn't have to be done.
Those facts will serve your life.
You just don't need to serve them.
Okay?
So one of the, and I'm gonna wrap this up.
One of the things we want you guys to do is
we wanna take some time to make new space
for new things in your life,
new truths and new identities to be birthed.
And we want to bring forth new confidence
to help you respond to the triggers with understanding.
And so, and because I read,
I wanna say this a little bit.
We're gonna take some time and make space for new stuff,
new truths, and we're gonna birth new identity.
If you find that you are the person
who has this laundry list of what a man needs to be
to be a part of your life,
and you're refusing to let those things go,
and I'm not talking about mature marriage,
man and masculine.
I'm not talking about the core foundation of what a man is.
I want you to know that that is a flag to you
that a lot of these things that you are saying
are out of protection and safety.
And you do not feel secure.
You feel insecure because the opposite of secure is insecure.
And if you don't deal with the root of things
and you don't wanna face it,
you are manufacturing safety for yourself.
Because every human has the need to feel safe.
And if we don't deal with the core,
we don't realize what we're doing,
we are manufacturing safety
and we believe if all of these boxes are checked
and you meet my idea, then I got myself something.
But I'm telling you, you don't have yourself anything
because you don't have the ability to see somebody
three years, five years, six years, seven years,
10 years, 20 years, 15 years down the road.
You are limited in vision.
You are limited in knowledge.
You are limited in wisdom because you are human.
You come with limitations.
The things that are the most important in your life
you don't even control, like your heart beating,
like your lungs pumping,
like the blood going through your body,
like the activity of your limbs,
like the working of your brain.
You are limited in your control.
Very, very limited.
But we believe because we control
these little moving things all around us
that we're in control.
But you or me could do nothing if our hearts stop beating.
You or me could do nothing
if there was our lungs were not pumping.
You or me could not go in and fix any digestive issues
that will be on what we were eating.
Right?
So do you hear what I'm saying?
So what we do is we can manufacture safety.
And I heard somebody say that part about the control
on ministry the other day,
just let you know I borrowed that from somebody,
but it's true.
The part about us being in control.
And so what I want us to do is I want to take a little time
and I want us to, we want to replace new stuff,
new truths and birth new identity
to bring forth confidence in you.
So you don't have to have some kind of checklist
for a man to meet,
but you can actually pace yourself and get to know people
and not be afraid of every little thing somebody does
so you can see them for who they are and be okay with it
and not see it as a threat to come and take you out.
But like, hey, you just got an issue with lying.
I understand.
You know, you can't go on a journey with me,
but yeah, I hope you get help for it.
It's okay.
Oh, you just don't keep your word.
I understand.
You have some growing to do in the area.
We just can't grow on this journey together.
That's not where I am.
I'm not in the ability to help people grow right now.
I'm not in the changing business.
Only Jesus can do that.
So I can give an example of what a good list is.
A good list is when you say,
I need a man or I'm looking for a man who.
as a teachable heart.
I need a man who's committed to righteousness
versus a man who speaks in tongue,
who's Holy Ghost feel, who's charismatic,
who does the same ministry I do,
who reads the Bible with me.
I need a man who's committed to righteousness
because a man who's committed to righteousness
honor God in all he does.
The Bible says that the step of a good man
is ordered by the Lord and he delighted in his way.
You understand these are,
so sometimes we curate a type of man, a type of image.
So you say, well, he needs to be financially well out.
How about he has to have an entrepreneurial mindset
or he's willing to work to provide for his family.
He's willing to do what he has to do
to take care of his family.
His family won't go without.
So there are alternatives to these ideas that we have.
But a lot of times the ideas that we have
are based on our vanity.
They're based on things that we feel like
people should have or should be in it.
It's just not the truth.
It's whatever you measure yourself by too.
You measure yourself by things.
If a man has to look a certain way for you,
oh, he gotta be this and he gotta be that.
He gotta be this tall.
He has to be that.
A lot of times you have to check
what do you believe about yourself?
Most of the times when we think like that,
our thoughts are like, I don't want nobody to see me with him
or I need him to look good.
I look good.
We both need to look good together.
This is not about preference.
It's preference versus deal breakers.
That's true, Sandy.
But however you see you,
it is the same lenses that you see other people through.
People who operate in grace with themselves,
they operate with grace with other people.
I've seen it.
People who show mercy to themselves,
they show mercies to others.
But people who criticize themselves
every time they mess up and beat themselves up,
they're gonna do it to somebody else.
People who don't forgive themselves,
they're not gonna forgive nobody else.
And so all of these things are a reflection of us.
So I want us to take some time, thanks for that, Sandy.
I want us to take some time
and I want us to make space for new stuff,
new truths, and birth new identity for new confidence.
Because remember, our confidence is tied
to our ability to feel secure.
Or if we're insecure,
we're gonna do whatever it takes to manufacture safety.
You're not wrong for that.
This is not a wrong thing.
This is a aha thing.
So that when you see it pop up,
you can say, hey, hey, hey, what's that?
Oh, I see you in there.
You ain't gonna stay around my block too long.
I'm gonna deal with you.
You have to make you one of the most important projects.
Have y'all ever took a man and tried to fix him up,
made a project out of him?
Well, this is phase two where you make you the project.
And you're a project worth investing in.
You have all the tools that you need to do it.
Don't be afraid to do what you've never done.
Don't be afraid to submit yourself to a boundary
that you've never submitted yourself before.
You're gonna find that boundaries are for you first
and they keep you safe first.
All right, and so that's what we're gonna do.
And the way that we're gonna do is
we're gonna ask Holy Spirit, and I'll get this posted.
We're gonna ask Holy Spirit to show us what lies
we are believing about ourselves
and that he wants us to release.
Holy Spirit, what lies am I believing about myself
that I need to release?
So let's just ask Holy Spirit that right now.
And you guys can post in the chat
what lie you're believing about yourself right now
that Holy Spirit shows you.
Some of you may pop up instantly,
but what lie are you believing about yourself
that he wants you to release?
That I have to earn love.
Yeah, that's a good one.
That I'm shy to feel safe in love, to try again for it.
To try again for it.
Bring me a little more clarity around this, Stephanie.
Is that a lie?
Are you saying the lies that you don't feel safe in love,
but he wants you to try again?
That I'm a victim to man's emotions.
Emily, can you give me a little more insight
that I'm a...
victim to man's emotions?
Are you saying that you're like, become weak about,
if they, I don't know, yeah, give me more insight.
That I'm on my own.
Ooh, yes, Calandria, I know that one.
That lie always creeping around my door.
I have to do everything on my own.
That I'm not okay.
What do you mean by I'm not okay, Alexandria?
To feel safe, to be loved again,
dating, putting myself out there, okay?
That I have to fix myself and lose weight
before I get to set up profile.
Yes, be afraid of trying again.
Like when me and Exploding make sure
I don't know how to respond.
Okay, I got you.
Trying to believe I'm beautiful.
Feel seen, especially anger.
That I'm unworthy.
Lie, I had to say, I'm going to have to move out of state
or out of the country to meet someone.
God, if they, come on, you better tell it, hun.
That's right, Shekinah, I agree.
I will be abandoned or seen as difficult
if I express anger or difficult emotions
Yes, Susan, that resonates so well with me.
That God doesn't want to give me the love my heart seeks.
He's against my desires.
Yes, Narya, I agree.
I'm not safe, things are going to explode around me.
How I feel, I guess, yeah.
I don't look good on camera,
few of your old photos, yeah.
How many of you ladies, like when the lady posts,
it's like, yeah, me too.
Yeah, like every last one, I'm like, yeah, that's me too.
God, Lee, that's me too.
I'm not good enough.
I don't believe a man with love only.
Love me only how I make him feel
that I'm going to have to accept a sugar daddy
cause at least I have nice things.
But Khaledra, I know you didn't mean it to me.
Oh, you put a laughing in your mouth.
That I'm not chosen.
Oh, but think about,
I don't believe a man would love me
only how I make him feel.
I really, that really resonates
and I'm sure that I'm backwards sexually
because I've kept myself pure.
That's a good one.
That I'm not chosen, that God's holding marriage from me.
Yes, because of childhood trauma
and sexual abuse and things that I've experienced,
I grew up with a deep seated belief
that men, to please a man,
that sexually, that my job,
the only thing men responded to was pleasure sexually.
So that was a rooted belief system in me.
I didn't know it.
That it's very similar to what you're saying
that I don't believe a man would love me
only how I make him feel.
Also lies that it's not good to be true.
I'm not worthy of it.
That it's too good to be true, yeah.
Yeah, so many resonating too
that I'm doing to repeat the pattern
of survival from childhood, yes.
You know, and another thing I like to call these,
you ladies, is these are the giants in your land.
And I want to encourage you
and let you know that they're coming down.
It's no coincidence that we all,
and every time we do this, it's the same way,
that we all face the same giants.
I know you can look at some of these
and be like, oh, I never dealt with that.
But most of them,
they resonate with you in some way or the other
because the enemy has no new tricks.
And when we are wounded in our souls,
that's his entry point to come in and plant his lies.
And so what we have is these giants over in our land,
even though you guys are now entering into the promised land.
The promised land is not your marriage.
This is it.
Wherever you were equipped and you were expanded
and your tit pegs are being stretched out,
oh baby, that's the promised land.
The promised land is filled with goods
for you to load up on.
And you're in the promised land.
You're in the good land.
You're in the land that will give you
what you need to sustain your life.
The Bible says that God gives us everything
that we need according to life and godliness.
And so it's not a matter of marriage.
It's a matter of, do you have everything within you?
You have everything within you in Christ.
And so what we're looking at through this chat
are called giants in the land.
And I wanna encourage all of you,
just take out your little smooth stone like David
and get ready to slay you a giant.
Come on, Karen, that won't take much.
Come on, get ready to slay you a giant, Rosanna.
We gonna slay this giant by pulling it up from the roots.
And so the Holy Spirit has shown you
one thing that you believe.
I want you to take that one thing that you believe.
And don't waste no time with that giant.
Come on, I like that.
Don't waste no time.
I'm looking at the chat, so I'm getting worked up now.
Okay, don't take your time with this giant.
Like, let's get ready to get rid of it.
And don't believe because you think it tomorrow
that that means.
it's not going anywhere. If you believed it for 30 years, trust me, it won't take but a good six
months of consistency to break that thing. You believe that you're going to always be with you.
That's a lie. It's not going to always be with you. Before long, you're going to look in the
mirror and you're going to say, who is this woman that I see? Oh my, she's more beautiful than I
thought. So I want you to take that one, make sure that you write it down, but I'm sure it
resonates with you so you remember. You're going to come out of partnership with that lie,
and that's what this is going to sound like. And I don't want to, I want to just do five minutes
and I want us to chat. So I want you to come out of partnership with that lie, and I want you to
spend some little more time with it, but you can repeat after me now if you want to, and you're
just going to say, oh, well, before that, you're going to ask the Holy Spirit, when did you first
start believing that lie? And this is what you may need to take a little time. This is already
posted on the wall. Holy Spirit, when did I first start believing this lie? I was working with
someone on last night and we were dealing with some childhood issues. It was actually an inner
healing session that I was doing and with the ministry that I'm a part of. And she first
believed the lie when she was like three years old. Her grandmother asked her for some fish,
I guess, to fix her plate. And they went and took the goldfish out of the tank and put it
on the plate and gave it to her grandmother. And her grandmother started screaming.
But this is the first time having the feelings of guilt entered her life. And ever since then,
she's operated out of people-pleasing and guilt. So she's always felt guilt for not pleasing a
person. But Holy Spirit took her back to the age of three, giving her grandmother fish. It was so
childlike and so funny. We're all sitting in the session laughing, but that's when guilt came in.
That's when pleasing came in. The enemy doesn't play fair. He comes before you even know of your
own self to attack an identity. And that's why the Bible says he's a thief. That's a thief of a thief.
That's what you call a dirty thief right there. You're fighting something you don't even know
about. You can't even name it. It's coming for you and you don't even have knowledge or know-how.
So that's low. But that's why I want you to ask Holy Spirit. You may can think of some
things that happened, but Holy Spirit can pinpoint when did this thing enter. And when
he takes you back to that memory, I want you to acknowledge it. Don't push it away and say,
yeah, that did happen. Wow. And then the next thing you're going to do is you're going to come
out of partnership with it. Like now that you see that this is a lie, this is when it came in.
He's just going to say, you know what? I repent for believing the lie that I'm not good enough
because my daddy was never around. See, there are things like if your father was never around,
your mom was never around. They worked all the time. It said to that little child,
you're not worthy of love. If you were, they would be here with you.
It's little small things that speak identity. It speaks identity to you, tells you who you are.
And so we repent for partnering with that lie all of this time for coming in agreement with it.
And then we ask the Lord for truth to replace this lie. This is what you all have in phase one.
It's called revealing for healing. It's a cycle. And so you ask Holy Spirit for truth to replace
the lie. You're going to adopt this new truth to your life. You're going to even add it to your
Jesus cares board because you're going to have to keep it in front of you and you're going to
rehearse it. And when you get in tough spots, you're going to rehearse it again because you're
going to be more aware of what's happening on the inside of you. And you're going to keep rehearsing
it and you're going to keep rehearsing it until you no longer have to rehearse it because it's
going to be written on the walls of your heart. See, when you rehearse the truth, you're planting
a seed. And that's the thing about the heart. It's an instrument of belief. That's why the enemy
knows he can come in very early and plant something in your heart because your heart doesn't know the
Bible says, guard your heart with all diligence because it's an instrument of belief. And you
think nothing is happening, but you start planting the seed in the heart before long, baby, it's
going to produce the same way it produced every other thing in your life. But sometimes the enemy
will come in and make us believe that it doesn't happen the same way with truth. And I'm going to
tell you like the old folks say, the devil is a lie. If it happened that way with lies, it happens
that way with truth. And you keep planting the truth until your fruit come forth. And I declare
over every one of you, you take root downward and you produce fruit upward. That's the word of God.
And I just declare over you that even in the
dry and barren seasons, you will produce fruit.
There is fruit to be had out of your life
and God is gonna get the glory out of you.
That's just the way it works.
You did not create yourself.
And so that's what's so beautiful
about this process that you're in,
partnering with heaven for a spouse.
Because he cares more about you than a spouse
because he can do a spouse.
But this you seeking him, this you showing up,
he's like, oh baby, this is prime time for work.
Let me get my baby what I've been wanting to get her
all this time because for Papa,
you ain't never stop being his baby girl.
For Papa, God, you belong to him.
And his desire is to treat you like the little girl
that he's always longed to treat you like.
Even in the midst of our little parents who were human also.
They may couldn't give us what we need, but oh, he got it.
So they're just add that in.
Okay, so I'm gonna post it
and then you guys are gonna watch the Lord
help you grow in this area.
And then while you're gonna post what's happening,
post what's happening in your heart,
tell us the hard times, tell us what's going on
and we're gonna all grow together.
Okay, 7.51, we got 40 minutes
because we're not leaving till 8.30, well, 8.25.
Okay, oh Lord, it's popping up so quick.
I think it was Sandy, Karen, Nariah, go ahead.
She's saying I was first.
Sandy, Karen's first, then Sandy, then Nariah,
then was it Rose, okay, yeah.
I don't know if it was Rosanna a little bit.
It was Rosanna, okay.
And then you, Lovetta, I hope I said it right.
Okay, and then it was between Susan and Alexandra,
but go Karen.
Okay, well, I just wanna say,
I'm so excited about everything you just said
because it's everything I've been practicing this week
that just naturally occurred.
So on last Sunday, I went to a disco dancing night
and because my friend kept begging me to go
because she was hosting it or whatever, and I went.
And normally when I do these things,
usually there are men there are a lot older
and no one that I, but I just dance.
Like you learn, you just dance with all different people.
Anyway, so this one event, I went there
and I actually met a guy and we like connected
and danced and laughed and had a great time.
He asked for my number.
He put my number in his phone as Karen the Dancing Queen.
And I put his number as Aaron the Dancing King.
So it was hilarious.
And so then he's even taught me how to swing dance.
And then he asked where I live like city-wise.
And I said, oh, I live in this city.
And he goes, oh, I live in that one.
So then we were very close in like city
because this event happened in Tampa.
And so he lives over on Clearwater and I live in Largo.
So we're on the other side of Tampa, but on the same side.
So that was kind of nice.
And then, and he was cute and we danced probably,
I don't know, six or seven times or whatever.
And then, yeah.
And of course you dance with other people
throughout the night.
Like he danced with other people,
I danced with other people,
but he would come and sit and chat with me for a little bit.
And then he would go dance.
And then he asked me to dance again.
And so anyway, long story short, he leaves that night.
And then like a couple of days later,
he texts me and say, hey, you want to go dancing tonight?
And I was like, oh my gosh, yes.
Like, so I went dancing with him on Wednesday.
We went swing dancing.
And again, we probably danced six or seven times together.
And then in between,
obviously you're dancing with other people
as that's just how it goes, right?
And the only other thing I learned about him that night
is like, cause I said,
I need to probably go home sometime soon
cause I have to get up early.
And I told him I was a teacher and he was like, oh, okay.
And I said, what time do you have to get up?
He's like, I don't, I'm retired.
And I'm like, what?
Like, so I don't know how old this dude is.
I think he can't be older than 50 in my mind
cause he doesn't look that old, right?
So I don't know.
The whole point of this situation is
I have seen how much I have grown
just from doing last year's single
because I was approachable.
I was happy.
I was having a good old time.
I wasn't asking him, are you a Christian?
Are you this?
There was no box ticking.
It was just being present in the moment, enjoy this person.
And he was attracted to that.
He wanted, he contacted me.
And then the next day after we went dancing,
he asked me to go dancing again.
And I couldn't go because I had a wedding.
And so I said,
cause I kind of was like being joking around with him.
And I said, oh, you are quite the dancing king, aren't you?
I'm like, but I can't this weekend, maybe another time.
And he goes, oh yes, no problem.
He's like, well, if I'm the king,
then I decree that you shall go dance.
with me when I get back in town. So it is written, show it, so I'll be done. And I like
died laughing. I'm like, who does that? I love a good sense of humor. So that's where
we're at. And he's out of town. I haven't heard from him since. But I'm just like, okay,
I don't know. I don't know if he's a Christian. I don't really know how old he is. I don't
know. I don't know if he's ever been married. I don't know anything. And it's freeing because
I am not hindered. I'm not worried about a checklist. I'm just enjoying the person and
the connection of just dancing with this person. And if something happens and it turns into
more great. So the thing that I've learned about myself this week is there's been constant
thoughts going through my mind, oh, he's probably not a Christian. And I'm going, no, God can
do anything. If God wants this guy to be a Christian, he'll be a Christian. And I'm not
going to worry about it. And I've been practicing that, taking that thought captive because
that's from the past. The past me would think, oh, he's not a Christian. Oh, I'm not going
to like this guy because I don't know anything about, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm just
letting it be all natural and free and just kind of like just discover, discover myself
and discover him without having a checklist or having like talking about religion or anything.
If we get to know each other more, that will all come up in the right timing. So I just
wanted to share because I'm just like so excited. And the word that God gave me this
year was to be expectant, you know? And I'm like, okay. And so that's why the enemy keeps
trying to attack me like, oh, he's probably not this, probably not that. And I'm like,
no, I'm going to be expectant. It's a yes until it's a no, and we're just going to move
forward. Amen. That's so good. That's so good. I'm so excited for you. That's so good. Thank
you. It was nice to meet someone in a natural environment and like the Facebook dating and
stuff. I've tried and I've tried and I've tried and I've tried and I'm like, it goes nowhere.
And I don't know, you know, but like just going out to a random event and you meet someone,
I'm like, wow, that was so easy. You know, like, wow, God, thank you. I didn't even do
anything. Like I just showed up. So anyway, it's so good. Yeah. Just wanted to share.
Thank you for sharing, Karen. You let us know. Come on, Sandy. When we hear it happen to
somebody else, I want you to start saying he in my neighborhood, God's in my neighborhood.
You see manifesting all around you. You need to walk out the door tomorrow ready to be talked to.
Smile. Look available. Yep. Amen. Go ahead, Sandy. He's in my neighborhood.
Okay. Karen, that's awesome. So, Ebony, I just, I love your shirt. Love your blouse. I love the
two-tone kind of thing going on with it. Okay. So I've tried to kind of make some notes to make
this the same. So like I said, on my post, I met this guy at like a Bible study and it's the,
so I just went and started going to this church in January. And so in this Bible study, I thought
he was actually with another lady that was sitting beside him. So when it came around, I was like,
I thought everyone was married. So I'm like, you know, I'm single. I'm looking for blah, blah,
blah. So if you guys know any really great single guys, you know, so I just put it out there. Right.
So after, after the Bible study catches me and he's talking to me, I didn't realize that I was
like, I thought he were with her. He's like, no, I've been divorced since like 2010. I was like,
oh. So it wasn't much longer after that, that he he's really taken the lead on inviting me. I mean,
he's part of the men's group. He, you know, like all the things, like the groups and everything
and him talking about like what he shares in group is really like point is really like on point with,
you know, like a Christian man and stuff like that. So it's been, it's been really, it seems
like really healthy, but when, when we're talking, so let's see. I, so we're, we've been,
we've gone out a couple of times. So the first time that we went out, we went out for lunch,
he paid for it and stuff. And then he's like, you want to go get caught after like two hours,
you want to go get, go down to the coffee shop. Cause I think the waitress wants us to get out
of here. So I was like, yeah, sure. And so anyway, ended up being like four out longer than I wanted
to be, you know, because I want to like, kind of not, I want to have, I want to book in stuff
and kind of manage my time a little bit better and not be so accessible, I guess. And once I,
and then the next time he asked me, we met at some other small groups where they do potlucks.
And so our church has like, we're a church of small groups, not a church with small groups.
And so we went to, he invited me to the park for a walk. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to bring my dog.
He's like,
I'm kind of driving by because driving by picking me up because it's like it's right
on the way.
He's across from the park.
I was like, yeah, sure.
And after I said that, I'm like, I don't want to do that.
So I messaged him back and I said, you know, I'll just meet you there.
No big deal.
He's like, fine.
He met me there.
We went for a walk.
We had a talk and all that stuff.
You know, um, I probably overshared a little bit, but it was, um, it's hard because with
us being at the same church, right?
Like it's very difficult because other dudes can come up to me and I know they're married
and I don't mind giving them a side hug.
But with him, it's like, I wouldn't want to do that because I don't like it's, it would
be a little bit weird and awkward and like give him permission to, you know, like think
that there's more to it than that.
Um, uh, so he's really been pursuing me.
He's only been back in church like two years.
Um, he came out of, uh, um, out of another relationship that I think was like eight or
10 years or something like that.
And I'm assuming they live together.
We haven't talked about it yet because like, that's a long story.
We all have these long stories.
We're not at the point to be sharing like real previous relationships and stuff like
that yet, I guess.
Um, and so, um, we, I really don't know a whole lot about him.
He was raised Baptist kind of in a really, um, toxic, like rigid, you know, way.
And so he really rejects that.
It's we're in a non-denominational church now.
Um, and so, um, he, um, you know, I, I'm, I have some judgment toward him because, um,
you know, like I'm like, he's only been back in church two years.
He was with this girl for like probably 10 years.
I'm like, okay, Sandy, wait a minute.
You just got out of a toxic relationship two years ago with the guy for 20 years, nearly
20 years.
So I, and you know, like the, the guy was in a toxic relationship with, right.
He was in church.
He, he went to church with me and he, he was on the security team and the usher team and
all that for a period of time until he, you know, until, you know, like things just kind
of started reappearing again, um, which is why I had to leave.
Um, and so I, I am aware that I have that story going on in the back of my head.
Um, I'm not, not attracted to him, but I'm not, not like super physically attracted to
him.
Um, if I was, it would probably be, I wouldn't say dangerous, but it would be a little bit
more difficult.
Right.
Um, and so, um, I'm, I'm curious about that.
And we've been like, after we went out on Friday, then he texted me Saturday about going
out and he'll kind of, I don't want to say text bomb, but when I text him, Hey, how you
doing?
Then I'll get like four texts back from him.
Um, but it's not, um, I, I don't know that I want it to be different than that.
You know, like he's not overbearing, but he's also attentive and stuff.
Um, so I think my, um, so here, here's another thing I think that is, is, um, like what you're
talking about earlier.
So we were talking, cause I'm a, you know, like I said, I'm a therapist and so I do kind
of like, you know, like marriage counseling and dating counseling and stuff like that
too.
Right.
And I integrate a lot of this stuff into, into my teaching and stuff.
So we were talking about, you know, I was doing this class for, um, younger military
guys on base and, um, I told him, I said, you know, we talk about boundaries, the difference
between boundaries, deal breakers, non-negotiables, you know, and, and different things like that
and splicing them apart.
And, um, so we were talking about, um, boundary or non-negotiables and non or, or deal breakers
like smoking, drinking, you know, drugs.
He's like, Oh, so is that one of your deal breakers is drinking?
And I'm like, well, I mean, kind of, yeah, because there's a, there's a group at church
and they might have like a shot or they might, um, you know, smoke cigars and the guys will
get around and just talk and chat and just be guys.
Right.
And I've never, I don't know that I've ever seen a guy that drinks alcohol where it's
not problematic.
And so I know that I have that thing going on with me and I don't want it in my life.
I don't want it in my relationships, but that's because it's always been like this, you know,
bad addictive, bringing out bad behavior and stuff like that.
So I don't know if that's, you know, uh, like how to, how to navigate that and whether that's
really like a deal breaker for me, because I know for me, he comes home and he's got,
you know, four together and he comes home and he's got alcohol on his breath.
It's going to light me up.
Right.
I'm going to be like, I'm leaving, you know, not like leaving the relationship necessarily,
but I can't like, I know that that's a really strong thing for me, but it comes from past
relationships and stuff and my childhood.
My, my mom's second husband was an absolute drunk and a waste of oxygen.
And so I know I have that.
And so I'm kind of, so I'm wanting to learn how to navigate that deal breaker.
And if there's like room, how, how to know, like, like how to, how to manage that.
So that's a lot.
So I'll just leave you with that on your thoughts on it, I guess.
So how to manage the deal breaker is the question.
I think how to manage the deal breakers, how to manage my, um, uh,
the judgment toward him, um, how to navigate the, the gradual disclosure process.
Um, uh,
well, so, uh, I think, so the, let's talk about the deal breaker one.
So how to handle the deal breaker one is you're gonna, it probably will take a
little observation to see his temperament in drinking or his, um, uh, how, um, it may
come with, would annoy him a little bit better because, okay, let's say he drinks
a little, but his dad was alcohol.
You never know when this ticking bomb is going to become him.
If he loses the job, will he go down?
I'm saying like, there are a lot of moving pieces.
If you want to say this, the deal breaker, because people can drink a glass of wine
and never, that could not be a place of stronghold.
Um, uh, give me an example.
I could drink wine, but I'm not prone to be a drunk.
I don't think I am.
I don't drink because I choose not to.
That's not my, that's not something I choose to do.
But even when I did, I wasn't prone to be an alcoholic.
I feel like people have things that they're bent toward, you know, like if you open
your door in Florida, an alligator may come through.
If I open my door in Texas, a scorpion may come in, has a lot to do with our family
bloodline and things that we're most prone to based on who we are and where, where we
live, meaning location of who you are.
And so I think that's something to consider.
Um, I think that if your deal breaker is no alcohol, no alcohol, based on how you
grew up, if somebody grew up with a raging alcoholic for a father, uh, watched him
get drunk, beat, beat your mom, do all kinds of things.
You're probably not going to want to be married to someone who drinks alcohol and
you have the right for that.
It's just, that's just the way that falls.
Like, no, I don't want it in my house.
I don't want it around me.
Ain't nothing wrong with it.
Right.
Um, but you have an opportunity to get to know this guy and just let things unfold.
Um, and kind of, see, this is the thing about once you get to know a person, when
you get past the month mark and you're talking, um, daily or every other day
you're going out, the natural conversations just come about.
History just shows itself naturally.
It's no way around it.
Your conversations are going to change.
You don't stay, somebody asked me, like, how long do you stay surface level?
You don't stay surface level forever.
But you definitely shouldn't be beyond the surface level in two weeks, you know,
but by the third week and fourth week, you're going to start talking about more
things, um, naturally.
And so I think that, and so you were asking about the development of the
relationship, right?
The disclosure.
So I think as you get to know him more, things will just naturally come up.
Is there too frequent of like meeting?
Is it too?
What now?
Is there, is there a timeframe where it's too frequent to like, if we're seeing
each other every day, is that like too frequent?
Well, if you see that, yeah, if you're seeing each other every day, it's going
to speed up the process and you'll find that in a week you think you're going to
think, you know, that person more than you do, but no matter how many times you've
seen them in their week, that's just one week, it's just seven days and your mind
will tell you something different, but it's not true.
You know, it'd be kind of like, if you went to H to the grocery store every day
that week and the person was working there, you see them and you speak to them
and you kind of feel like you, maybe you know them, but you really don't know
them.
You've never been like in their own personal space.
Now this person, granny, might be going to dinner, you may be going to walk the
dog, you may be going to the park, but seeing somebody every day speeds up a
process, just like talking to them every day.
Now, the thing about one of the reasons why I guard myself against talking to
somebody every day until we get to a certain point is because if things have
to go our separate ways, I'm creating something I'm giving to them that I'm
giving to myself that I'm giving to them that I'm giving to them that I'm
being used to.
And you're going to miss that more than that person.
And it'll feel like it impacts you more.
But it only impacts you more because you
talk to that person every day.
That's just like, it's no different
when you have a loved one.
Somebody who lived in the house and saw them all the time
and you lived out of town, it impacts them more
because they saw them all the time.
You love them.
You're hurting, but they weren't a part
of your everyday routine.
And so that's kind of how, what I, my thoughts about it.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Was that everything?
Yeah.
For now, yeah.
I'll post another one and I'll post another question
and the thing, cause it's a simple question,
but I'll let these other ladies go.
Thank you.
Okay.
And tag me in it because I didn't even see this post
from you when you just told me about this.
I didn't see it at all.
I hadn't seen it.
I didn't know.
Oh, you had responded to it.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Go for it, Nara.
You're welcome.
Hi.
Hey.
So I finally decided to create the dating apps.
I watched the videos and I made a profile last week
and it's been feeling a bit overwhelming for me.
I'm having a hard time like sifting through the guys
that are showing interest in me.
I'm finding that I'm not, and I don't know,
as you were talking tonight,
I wonder if I have like almost a subconscious checklist
that's like blocking me a little bit.
I don't like a lot of the guys on there
and I don't know if it's important,
but I realized like maybe I want someone
for my own culture.
I went on two video dates this week though.
So they were fine,
but the one guy I actually went on a video date
with this week, he had a lot of green flags,
but he didn't really ask me a lot of questions.
I noticed that he was talking about himself
a little bit more and he was just like oversharing.
I noticed that the guys I spoke to this week
were oversharing a lot about their past relationships,
about just a lot of things that I personally
wouldn't share with them and didn't share with them.
And then just being very complimentary,
but not really asking me a lot of questions.
But then in terms of qualities and character,
I could see it,
but the attraction is not really there a lot.
And I don't know,
I don't know where to go from here
because my instinct is to just shut it down
after a conversation,
but I wanna be more open-minded
because I know that that hasn't really worked for me.
And I thought I did my heart work
and I know I did do a lot of heart work,
but I didn't realize that this dating process
is actually like activating me so strongly.
I'm so anxious all the time.
And I realized that I think I'm a bit of an avoidant
when it comes to relationships.
So yeah, I don't know, it's bringing up a lot for me.
And I just thought I'd share because yeah,
it's just been a process.
Yeah.
I think if there weren't hands up,
you guys kind of wave at the screen,
if you wave at your screen,
if you've had the same experience
or experienced the same thing that she's talking about.
Like, so Naira, I wanna tell you,
men don't have dating coaches.
And so they just talk.
All of them do it.
I'm telling you, most every man I've talked to,
they just tell everything.
They, in their mind, I think they think
if I just get it all out,
she gonna decide if she wanna move forward or not.
So I'm gonna tell it all
because me usually foot the bill.
And so you gotta think,
every woman they go out with,
they're expected to pay for it.
And so I'm just gonna talk and tell you what it is.
She don't like me, gonna leave now.
I really put the heat in their minds.
They're gonna overshare because they're nervous
and they're talking to a beautiful woman.
They want to impress you with who they are
because men, that's their identity, what they work.
They're gonna put whatever they're proud of,
they're gonna show you.
They're not like you.
There's this really good book
that I enjoy reading, it changed my life.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
It will help you understand
that men and women are totally different.
And a lot of times we want men to show up like us
and they're not us.
They struggle with texting sometimes.
They'll do better in-person dates.
And so I want you to know that.
They are oversharing.
They don't know, they're not,
they're not trying to offend you.
And I like the way you just held your ground.
Like, okay, just let them talk.
And sometimes you can be like, hey,
hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Thank you. Thank you.
They'll be like, huh?
They'll be like, I hear you.
You want to share.
Maybe I've done something to make you feel safe.
But let's just hold off on
those type of conversations
until we get to know each other better.
So would you be interested in
grabbing a cup of coffee maybe?
You can divert and like go
because one of the goals that we want
is for you to get a live date.
So you did good with your video calls,
but the goal is to date.
They're not your husbands.
They're your date.
So when you say, I did my hard work,
I thought I did.
It's true, you did.
And you realize that coming into dating,
it triggers you in ways,
it rose up against you in ways.
That's what makes this so good.
Because other relationships don't do this.
Maybe like a mother or father
or if you're real close,
intimate relationships,
but nothing is gonna rub you like a dating.
Right?
And so the goal is to date.
If they're local, try to get it with them.
If you can, I know people are working.
So within a week is what we say
at the end of their week or two weeks.
Video dates were great.
We're not taking away from them.
But I'm telling you,
when you're weaving through,
just to address this,
if they seem mature,
if they seem safe,
that you can have a conversation
with them over a cup of coffee,
then that's your goal.
Because you're dating for discovery.
God is your matchmaker.
He is writing your love story.
And I want that thought to lead you.
Because if that thought leads you
that I'm dating for discovery,
you're discovering you, not her.
In discovering others,
you discover yourself
because you discover how you respond to them.
So like you just said,
I'm starting to think I'm a bit of a hoarder.
No, it's just that you're trying to fit
into this new way.
You're trying to fit.
Some people make you want to run.
Some people make you want to draw close.
You go out a cup,
you'll come back and say,
I think I'm disorganized.
I don't know which one I am.
But it's just the shifting up
and shaking up of things.
And having to stay committed to a process.
Yeah, no, that's true.
And it's helpful.
I just,
I don't know.
I think it's hard for me to,
I'm very particular about who I'm willing to go on
an intimate date with
because it almost feels like,
when I take that step,
it's almost like it feels like I'm committing,
even though I know that's not the case.
Like in my head,
it's just, it feels like,
oh, we're dating,
even though I'm just getting to know you.
It's just awkward.
I just hate dating, to be honest.
Yeah.
And so what happens is,
you believe the way of doing things for so long.
And now that it's time to trump that belief system,
it doesn't want to let you go easily.
And so what you have to do is take what you know to be true
and stand up against that lie.
And say, I hear you.
I understand you have feelings about this thing,
but your feelings are a lie
because this is the truth.
Dating makes everybody nervous.
There comes this way,
there comes styles of rejection.
There come these thoughts of,
oh, why should I invest?
Or what if this goes around?
Or I don't want to hurt them when I say I don't like them.
Like all these things start springing up,
springing up, springing up.
And when you hear them,
you have to actually deal with the lies
because they're not going to go anywhere.
Right.
Yeah.
That's what this person that I went on a video date with,
like there wasn't anything specifically red flag.
So it would be appropriate for me
to go on a in-person date with him.
I think it would be good for you.
If you felt safe,
if you felt safe talking to me,
seemed like he got some good sense,
he stayed close enough,
I think you should go grab a cup of coffee.
Okay.
Low stakes dating,
especially for those of us who don't want to feel
like we're taken from somebody or not too invested,
coffee is always best.
You can easily walk away from somebody
who bought you a cup of coffee.
Especially if you carry this false sense of guilt.
Well, he lives two hours away, so.
I mean, y'all can meet each other halfway.
True.
If you want to go out on a date with him
and you want to meet up with him,
you can meet halfway in between plays.
Or you can do a early lunch.
But you just said sometimes when you go out with people,
you feel like you owe them or that you're tied to them.
And so the less money spent will probably help you.
Yeah, that's true.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Go for it, Rosanna.
Hi.
Okay.
Hey, so real quick, this was great,
security and confidence or whatever.
I just had a little five-minute phone date with a guy
and he asked if we could,
because I was like, I can give you five,
he's like, I'll take five minutes.
I'm like, okay.
So we matched on friendship,
no, it actually was friends on Facebook dating.
And so that was cool.
And so that was last Wednesday, very early in the morning.
I was up way too late.
And he was like, hey, I'm Noah, this is blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, hey, it's so great.
Thank you so much for popping up, but I have to go to bed.
So I was like, can we chat tomorrow?
He's like, yeah, that's fine.
Like, let me know when you can chat or whatever.
So we dialogued or whatever, and that was fun.
And then we talked on the phone maybe a couple days later
and did we talk twice?
We've talked twice on the phone.
And then now we're,
then we had a little phone date today or whatever.
And we're gonna hang out on Sunday for appetizers.
So, ah, close the door, please.
Close the door.
I'm on the phone.
Nope, I'm on the phone.
My goodness, this is the motherhood.
Bye, bye, bye.
One moment, I'm so sorry.
You're okay.
Rosanne has five little ones, y'all.
You wanna go a little bit till she comes back for you next?
Oh, she's back.
You didn't come out mute, but go ahead, Rosanne.
I'm so sorry, guys.
This is another topic, like parenting,
single parenting and dating.
Anyway, we're gonna, this guy and I have really clicked.
And so like, we'll dialogue.
And I was like, oh, I really liked the song.
I wanted to like lead you a little about my personality.
And so it was really cool.
And it's just nice
because we got different genres of stuff that we like.
Anyway, so I'm looking forward to seeing him.
However, when you talk about the insecurity type thing,
so I don't know what it was,
because we can, what was it?
Because of the FaceTime thing, I got really nervous.
And so I was just like, oh my God.
He's like, I could tell you were a little bit nervous.
And I was like, okay.
And so I think I was realizing how,
I was like, how did I come off?
Did I seem like, you know, I got in my head.
And he said that, he's like, you're in our head a lot.
I was like, I know.
And I was like, the only thing that I wanted to be
was like cute on the phone.
You know, we were like joking.
He's like, oh, you nailed that.
And I was like, oh, because I was,
and then I said, I was like, I looked cuter this morning.
He's like, stop.
He's like, why are you saying that?
And I'm like, and then I noticed, okay.
Last Friday, I went out with one of my girlfriends.
I looked smoking hot and I saw people,
like men were looking at me.
And women were probably like, that was the cute shoes.
You know, like, it felt so good.
I had this confidence.
I walked in the room.
I've been walking, like watching how to like walk on heels
so I can walk more.
I am looking at these etiquette classes,
because I am classy and the men are seeing it.
So I'm walking, I'm smiling at men
and they are smiling back at me.
And I'm like, and it feels so good, right?
And I'm at that concert.
And then the two, two of the lead singers come up to me
and sing to me at the thing.
And I'm like, and then I froze up.
And one of my closest friends, she's like,
I have never seen this side of you, the shy side of you.
It's like, I can be comfortable and confident
with a lot of things, which I am.
But with men, that's where my,
all of a sudden I get like their eyes.
I'm like, do I really want this attention?
I like attention, but do I want this?
I want attention when I allow it,
not when it's unexpectedly given to me.
And so I'm not used to,
I think the thing about like saying like,
if I'm so pretty, why don't guys tell me that?
You know, I think that's the lie I was believing.
And I don't like that.
And this weekend, I am going out with another girlfriend.
We're going out by ourselves on Valentine's Day
and I'm gonna look really hot.
And so like, I can't wait, I'm so pumped.
And then I can't wait to see this guy on Sunday
to have appetizers.
And I don't know, like we've just really clicked.
I really, he's the one who's getting more of my attention
than, and I've done a couple of dates on the phone.
One guy, our first one was like,
womp, womp, and I was, it seemed so good on text.
And when we talked, he ended up talking a lot,
like most men do.
And then he asked me a little bit
and then it went back to him.
And I was like, okay, well, he's like,
well, if you ever wanna, you know,
I'm moving an hour and a half away now.
So I think things are gonna change.
I'm like, yeah, it's fine.
He's like, if you ever wanna call, it's fine.
I'm like, okay.
And then I talked to another gentleman who's 61 years old
and I need to figure out,
I clicked on his thing cause he liked my profile.
And then now I'm just.
It's like, be real.
You don't want to be with a 61-year-old.
So I don't know if I should just write it out
and being like-
Yeah, write it out.
Should I just write it out to him
or like leave a voice memo?
Cause we talked on the phone, like you're great,
but I have to be aware of myself.
Like I can't be with someone almost, you know,
18 years older than me.
I just leave it like that?
Is that the false guilt where I'm like,
I have to call you cause we did all this stuff.
And is that like,
or do I owe him a conversation?
It could just be you honoring him as a person.
Yeah.
It could just be you talk to this person
and you know within yourself,
it's going to take some bravery to have this conversation.
And you're like, I don't want to be brave or I don't.
Cause you feel the heat of it.
Or you're going to press through and be brave
and have the conversation.
Like call him and being like, hey.
Yeah, or you're going to leave a voice memo
and say, I'm not brave enough to say this
on the phone with you.
I can't tell you why,
but I did want to leave this voice memo
and tell you what I'm really thinking
because I do care.
And then you say it or-
I think he'd appreciate it.
Yeah, I think he would.
Yeah, I think so too.
And then-
He know he in over his head, baby.
He is.
He know he in over his head.
I guess so.
But it felt nice.
And he sounds like the three Ms.
He is that.
But I'm like thinking, I'm like, girl,
my parents are his age.
And I'm like, nah, I can't do that.
Cause I'm looking at him.
He had enough years to become three Ms too.
That's true.
That's very true.
It's 826, so you got a question.
I'm about to shut us down.
I just want to like, how can I continue my confidence?
Why do I have it one day?
And then it goes away with like,
I want to make sure I have that confidence on Sunday.
And I know I do.
Like I carry it.
Please go.
What I was going to tell you is
I want you to consider that you are a mom.
I want you to consider that you were married
for a great number of years
and coming into this season of dating
and all of these things are new for you.
And you're just trying to find your balance
and you're just getting, becoming more free
as this single woman.
And so you're growing at all these different dynamics.
And so you're going to freeze up.
You're getting attention that you didn't get for so long
and whatever you did have,
it could have been lacking the attention that you deserve.
And so this is just a new world for you.
Yeah.
I just think that you're just adjusting
and you're going to find your sweet spot.
You're also going to find like,
it's one thing for you to look smoking hot
when you're with your friend girl,
but when you're dating,
when you're with a man on a date,
there's another woman you want to pursue.
That's not the same,
the same smoking hot short dress
if you've been over your booty cheek
may come out with your girlfriend.
It's not what you're going to wear on the date.
Not saying you wore that,
but I'm just giving you an example.
It's not what you're going to wear on a date with a man
because you're not going to send out that idea to him
about who you are as a woman.
So I just want you to know
that's the difference in showing up.
What you do with your girlfriend
is not what you're going to do with a man on a date.
And now you are being measured
in the light of what could this man
possibly be thinking about me.
So it's just a different dynamic
and you just kind of get the rhythm as you go.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
You're welcome.
All right.
This 828 who wrote,
I'm so sorry you guys,
we're out of time,
Lovette, Susan, Claudia, Alexandra,
you can post on the app or make a video for me
so that I can maybe see your face.
If you're okay with it,
see your face, hear your voice.
If you can go live,
go live and do it that way or write out.
And Lovette, I did want to respond to you.
You had a lot of good breakthrough in your post.
The reason why I hadn't responded to your post,
I saw your post,
but I needed to pray
and so I've been mulling over it.
And so I go back to it and I look at it again.
And so I do that with a lot of posts.
You guys may not know that sometimes I pray
and sometimes I get things quickly,
but you had a lot of great breakthrough.
I'm so happy for you.
I'm so sorry that that happened to you
when you were a little girl.
That's your post, right?
About what Carla told you to ask
and you asked the Lord about it.
And so I want to look back at it one more time.
I looked at your post three times.
So just so you know,
and I could have put that on there,
but I was like, when I respond, I wanted to respond.
And so it is 829.
You ladies have been lovely.
I'm so sorry I didn't get a chance to get to all of y'all.
And please post for me.
Please, please, please.
Yeah.
All right.
Ladies, have a good night.
Look for the activation as well on the page.
I miss you, Alexandra.
It's so good to see you.
All right.
Good night, ladies.
Thank you, Ebony.
You're welcome.