All right. Welcome, ladies. It is Tuesday. This is Love Story Accelerator. It is March
10th. You got me here today, this evening. It is Karla Johnson here. Ebony and I did
a little flip-flop, okay? So I am here to lead you tonight, but don't worry. She'll
be back next week for the 8 o'clock, but it's good to be here. I don't typically get to
come on this call, so I do like to see all these faces that I don't typically get to
see, so it's really, really good to be here. But for those ladies that do not know me,
I am Karla Johnson. I am a success story here at Last Year Single, and I have been coaching
with this program now for, gosh, like over two years now. But I actually came into this
program as one of you all. I was single. I, you know, joined Jackie in the very, very
beginning in 2020, and I walked through this process. I went through the roller coaster
ride just like y'all are going on to, but I gained so much wisdom, so much knowledge,
so much more than just the husband, y'all. And I'm still, like, fitting in the harvest
of what heart work really, truly does. So I hope that will give you ladies encouragement
to know, like, you know, you are here for a divine appointment, and the love story and
the husband is just like the cherry on top. Like, it doesn't stop there, okay? So you're
going to get so much more than you thought you were going to get. And, you know, some
of us might have to wait a little longer, but it's okay. It took me a little while,
all right? But, you know, some of us, I just needed a little bit more preparation because
I was a little bit more stubborn, all right? That's just my personality. But you know what?
Everyone's love story has, you know, something unique about it, and it's just good. So I
love that I get to still hang in for the ride, even though, like I said, I am married now.
I'm very thankful to Jackie that she did not kick me into the car, if you will. And luckily
now she does have, she's starting to incorporate things for couples. And so my husband and
I just recently got to participate in the launching of the Heartwork for Couples. And
so that was incredible, and we're still, like, gleaning stuff from that. And so that's something
for you ladies to look forward to when those spirit mates come for you as well. So know
that this community is really here for fellowship and just to literally walk you through and
prepare you for this season of life that God's promised you. And so, like I said, I'm really
excited that I get the honor and privilege and the blessing to be able to take this journey
with y'all. So thank you for always allowing me the opportunity to do that and entrusting
me with that. But do I have any brand new ladies? This is your first time here in Phase
Two. It's my first time. Tiffany and Kathleen. Anybody else? I think that's it. Well, welcome.
We're so glad to have you here. Thank you so much for being here. So how this kind of
goes, I'm going to just quickly do some housekeeping items real quick. We're gonna
touch on a couple teaching things today, and y'all, I'm getting better and better at feeding
this along. And so I have some ideas on how I'm gonna get through this content, because my
favorite thing to do with you all ladies, and I think what many of you ladies enjoy as well,
is being able to take your questions. I think there's so much value in taking every single
one of your situations and walking you through that process. And what you are going through,
many of your sisters are going through as well. And so it also gives you that opportunity to
prepare for, you know, deeper, deeper connection. And that vulnerability that really is part of
marriage. And so it's, it's really beautiful to watch. And so like I said, it's my favorite part.
So I am
Constantly motivating myself to get through this content.
It's valuable content, very, very valuable.
But oftentimes I feel like I can teach this same content
with y'all's questions.
And so I don't wanna take a whole lot of time
because I wanna get to as many of your questions
as possible.
I can't always get to everybody
because we only have so much time.
You know, we do try to limit,
if we can spend like five minutes per person,
that doesn't always happen
because some things, you know,
Holy Spirit just is like present,
is like, well, no, we're gonna just really soak in this.
And so I always kind of allow Holy Spirit
just to kind of run with it
and see, you know, whatever,
I always just lead of it to him,
like, whatever you wanna do here,
like, this is your call.
So yeah, so that is definitely something
that I always look forward to.
So that is always my goal.
And I am, like I said,
I'm getting more motivated to hurry it up along, okay?
So don't be afraid to call me out, all right?
Sometimes I need that accountability as well.
For any of you ladies that, you know,
you are wanting some coaching
and you're asking the questions
and you wish, like,
it's so nice that I get coaching for five or 10 minutes,
but I just wish I could just get more one-on-one time.
We do have, under the resource tab,
we do have opportunities for y'all
to hire any of the coaches here at Last Year Single.
It is an additional charge,
but that would offer you an extra 50 minute session, okay?
So there's packages and things like that.
So if that is ever something that you feel like
you could benefit from
and that that's an investment that you're like,
you know what, the Lord's really pressing me on that,
know that that option is available.
Some people, they're like, yeah, I'm rolling with it.
And other people are like, you know what, I'm okay.
So no pressure whatsoever.
If you decide not to do one-on-one coaching,
it's not like it's gonna hold you back, okay?
And then if you do,
one-on-one coaching doesn't mean, like,
all of a sudden you're gonna get married
before anybody else, okay?
Like, it's God's timing.
Let's be real, it's God's timing.
So, but I do want you ladies to always know
that that is always an option.
If you feel like that is something that, you know,
the Lord is pressing on you, like,
hey, I really just need to be able
to spend that time with a coach.
Couple other things here.
Actually, I think it covers pretty much all of that.
I do know, I think last week we were talking,
if any of you ladies have been in phase two
for, like, three, four months,
and, you know, you've gone through the content,
you've been on a handful of dates,
I wanna encourage you to sit and pray
about moving over to phase three, okay?
Again, we're not gonna push you out and force you out.
Some of you are ready.
Some of you, if you need to hang back,
just talk to us, and we're here, okay?
I want you just to really pray on that
if you've been here for a while, okay?
I don't want you missing out on things in phase three,
okay, that's gonna be really, really good,
solid stuff for you to glean some wisdom from.
Not that we're not learning stuff in here,
but there is also a value in phase three as well.
But with that being said,
I also don't want you ladies rushing through this phase
and skipping over what we actually offer
here in this phase as well.
So it is about balance, so just, you know,
communicate that with the Heavenly Father,
communicate it with us.
If you have questions about it, we're here for you.
Okay, I think that's about really it.
I'm just looking over my notes just to be sure.
So yeah, all right, let me go ahead and pray,
and then we're gonna dive into
a little bit of online dating
and being able to partner with God in the process.
Okay, so get your notes ready, okay?
Get your pencils and your notebooks
and all that good stuff
because you're gonna want to take some notes.
And yeah, we'll get through that
and then I'll get questions and all that good stuff.
So, all right, Heavenly Father,
I just thank you for this evening, Lord,
and yes, just thank you, Lord.
Thank you for this opportunity, always.
You're always here for us.
Anytime we need you, we can just sit quietly
and know that you are.
right here with us.
And Heavenly Father, I just invite you into this space.
Lord, fill us with your peace and your presence and your wisdom and your knowledge and your
goodness and your hope and your encouragement and your mercy and your grace.
Lord, I thank you for each and every woman on this call tonight and those watching in
replay.
Yes, Lord.
Lord, I ask that you just cover them with just new, refreshed hope.
Lord, I ask that you give courage to those that just need to know that they don't have
to be afraid.
Allow these women to step into this season of taking charge.
Yes, Lord.
That they're going to learn to step into what you have for them.
That they don't have to go in hiding.
They don't have to be afraid.
They can step out with some vulnerability and know that you've got them.
That you have placed them in this community to care for them.
Lord, I pray that they feel loved and cherished by each and every person in this community
and that they know just how very much that they are loved by all of us here, but most
importantly by you.
And so I just ask that you just bless our time together, that you give us your wisdom
and your hope and your encouragement and definitely, like I said, that courage so that we can really
learn from one another.
And Lord, just let us be able to receive what you have for us and have fun.
That you have good things for us and that we're just ready to receive and have a very
good time tonight, Lord.
So I just thank you for that.
In your son Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, notebooks ready.
Okay.
So yeah, partnering with God in the process.
My mouth gets dry here.
So forgive me.
Partnering with God in the process of online dating.
Okay.
So I'm going to go over six principles.
I think what I'm going to do is I'm just so I can move through this ladies so that we
can get to questions and we'll try something new.
I'm going to list these principles so that y'all can get them and then we'll go a little
bit one by one.
Okay.
And then if you have if something that I am talking about is confusing or you're curious
about it or if you have a question or you have a comment about it, jot it down.
And then when we open the floor for questions, let's take those questions then.
How's that sound?
I think that will help us move through this teaching a little bit quicker so we can get
to more questions.
Like I said, it's my favorite part.
So and I think you all really appreciate when we can get to as many of those as possible.
So first principle is going in with a fresh attitude or just don't go in at all.
This is with online dating.
Okay.
Go in with a fresh attitude or don't go in at all.
The second principle, go in to actually date.
Go in to actually date.
And like I said, I will, we'll dive into this with a little bit more detail, but I want
to give you all the principles first.
Three, principle three.
This one is going to require some detail.
Okay.
So hang tight with me on this one.
Just pass them by.
I know that's going to sound really confusing without details.
Don't worry.
We'll get there.
Okay.
But that's principle three.
or remember that clarity filters for you.
Clarity filters for you.
Number three, just pass them by.
Eloise, did you get that?
Just pass them by, number three.
And I know it's gonna sound really confusing,
but when I dive into a little bit of that,
it will make a little bit more sense, I promise.
And if it doesn't, then at the end,
you can ask me more questions about it.
Okay, does anybody need principle four repeated?
Good, okay, principle five.
This one was, this one always got me, y'all.
Don't overshare.
I'm a talker, y'all.
That was always a hard thing for me.
It took me some practice.
I still have to practice that.
Don't overshare.
And then principle six,
you probably have all heard this by now
if you've been in here for a minute.
It's a yes until it's a no.
Okay, so let's go back to principle one,
going in with a fresh attitude.
So what's important here is setting up your heart posture.
It's so important, okay?
So that is by all means,
the thing that I see horizontally
the thing that I see holds up most women
when they step into phase two,
when they're free to date and we're like, online dating.
And I would, like, I don't have a percentage,
but I would say probably a majority,
probably at least over half.
Let's be real.
They're like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that.
God didn't tell me I was gonna meet my husband online.
Nope, he told me I didn't have to do that.
Oh, I had, I already been there, done that,
I've experienced that.
And so there's typically not like a,
yeah, let's go do that, okay?
I say that because y'all, I, that was me.
I was like, oh, do I have to, I don't want to.
And so it's really important.
Like if that's you, one, just, it's okay.
It's okay if there's some hesitation,
if there's some reluctance, if there's just like,
yeah, no, Carla, no, I'd rather like go to the dentist
and have all my teeth ripped out.
I'm not doing that again.
Okay, so just, yeah, like I have the t-shirt,
I got the prize, like, but I really don't have the prize
because I got the baggage, but not really a prize.
Okay, so just know like it's okay if that's where you're at.
I want you ladies to be open-minded of spending time
with us and the Lord and really digging, not digging,
like, cause we don't want to ever dig.
Okay, like going back to heart work stuff here,
but really investigating and being open to seeing
if it's something that's below the surface
that might need some healing.
Are there any foxes in the garden,
any of those little lies that's holding us
from an opportunity to get out there
and practice some of the skills and the tools
and walking into a new season of dating differently?
Cause y'all have been through heart work, okay?
And it doesn't mean that you,
just because you've been through heart work
doesn't mean that you're still not going to have
some heart work that you're going to go through.
Okay, so it is just making sure
that you are checking in with that heart posture
and we are here to support you in that.
So it's just, again, you just want to remember
online dating is not your savior.
It doesn't have to be.
It's not the verdict of your worth.
It's not a detour of God's love story for you.
Quite frankly, we don't know how God has written our love stories, and what I can share, having
been here for five years, not just with my own love story, but with all of the love stories
that I've gotten to witness with many of my close friends that I was single with, and
the weddings that I got to attend with my girlfriends that I met through this community,
but also many of the women that I've had the opportunity to walk with and coach.
The love story that we think, like how we think it's going to look, never, never actually
turns out that way.
Like God has this cool thing that he just likes to be like, Oh, you think you control
that?
Oh honey, just see what I can do.
Like yeah, oh, that would be good, but do you want better?
Like God has a way of just knowing what is better for us, and we can come up with some
pretty good ways of like how our love story is going to play out, but I will tell you
the love stories that God writes for us are way better.
So it's just keeping that as an open mind.
And so if you're like, Oh, but Carla, God told me that he, no, I get it.
God told me that too.
And you know, I didn't meet my husband online dating, didn't meet him through an online
dating, but y'all, I met him online.
He was actually in a Facebook group that I wasn't even part of.
It was a Christian singles Facebook group that many of the women that were in community
here with me were part of, and I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that now.
But my girls that I had built relationship within here because I allow myself to be vulnerable
and open and just do life, they were looking out for me.
And so they saw his profile.
One girl in particular, she's like, Hey girl, what do you think?
And I'm like, yeah, okay, we'll see.
And you know, some of you have heard that story.
I say it often, but lo and behold, yes, he, we've now been married two and a half years.
So yeah, like I'd never anticipated it to look the way that it did.
So just keep that as an open mind.
But again, let's go back to our heart posture.
So if you're going to enter into online dating, bitter, exhausted, barded, and not healed
and hoping that someone else is going to fix whatever it is that is hurting inside, no,
that's where you're in a pause and it's okay.
There were times that I was in seasons where I was like doing online dating and I was okay.
And then all of a sudden it was like, no, this is, there's too much happening.
Triggers are going and I'm like, uh, no.
And I had to push pause and it was okay because my heart posture was not, not in a good place.
And that was okay.
It really, really was.
And so I really want you ladies to be considering, you know, going in with this attitude, this
fresh attitude, like I'm not afraid and I can trust God with my heart.
Like he's the one that's got my heart, my timing and my discernment.
Like you trust him.
You're not striving in online dating.
It's about stewarding the opportunity that God is walking you through and everyone's
going to have a different experience.
And some of you are going to have similar experiences.
Okay.
So be thinking of that.
Okay.
So be checking in with yourself.
All right.
And if any of you want to talk about where your heart posture is with that, we'll take
the questions.
Okay.
Principle number two is going to actually date.
Really want y'all partnering with God and asking the Lord like, okay, Lord, if I'm going
to do this online dating, I really need to make sure, like, why am I really dating?
What's my purpose?
Because it can get really easy to get on these apps and all of a sudden it's like, oh, like
it's nice getting the dings and the likes and the messages and it's safe.
It's safe because they're behind the screen.
Like you don't have to be face to face with him.
right away, right?
And before, believe it or not,
we can find ourselves in some sticky situations
where we're emotionally getting attached to people.
How do you shake in your head, girl?
She knows.
Y'all, this is me.
Y'all, I had a literally a full-on,
what I thought was relationship with somebody
for close to a year.
It was long distance.
Now, he was a real person, okay?
We did meet in person, I think like once or twice,
but not, you know, it took some time.
We talked every day on the phone, several times a day,
messaged, all that kind of stuff for over a year.
And then he eventually moved from Indiana to Florida.
He had like, he was a real person.
So when he moved to Florida,
I thought we were in relationship.
Like we, we shared like stuff.
I mean, we were close.
We shared about our life together.
Y'all, he moved down here
and it was like not like that at all.
I spent a year because I allowed myself
to have this like relationship,
what I thought was a relationship online.
Y'all, don't go into online dating
to just have the emotional connection.
Y'all are here for marriage.
You're gonna be living with a husband.
You don't wanna like be in, have them in the flesh.
Okay, so really make sure that when you're going,
like we need to unpack,
like if you have some fear about going out
and getting some real life dates,
are you gonna hide behind the computer
or are you gonna allow yourself
to kind of get attached emotionally
to strangers that you don't know on a computer screen?
Messaging, texting.
Some of y'all don't even like to do video calls.
You don't.
If you're long distance,
ladies, you're gonna do some video calls.
It's just part of it.
You're gonna do some video calls
or if you're gonna be living long distance,
you know that you're gonna be able
and capable of making that happen.
All right, and we'll get to that.
That's actually part of one of the other principles here.
So dating is a skill, you know,
and these skills are developed through practice
and it's not perfection, ladies.
I will tell you, one, these men that y'all are dating,
they ain't perfect and we're not perfect either.
So it's just about practice.
It's allowing the opportunity
of getting your feet wet
and applying the things that God wants to reveal to you
and put it into practice.
You're not there to window shop.
You're not there to collect some attention
because some of y'all, ladies, I've seen it.
Some of the ladies are just,
it feels good to get attention.
And so some of us, that's all we need.
We're too scared to get the rejection
and have them see us in person,
but we do really like when they are,
you know, feeding us sweet nothings
and saying nice things to us.
And, you know, it's easy just to sit there
and be messaging, but we're not there
just to get the attention.
We're actually there because we're there for connection
and to show up.
It's just, it's so important that you have
that mindset, okay?
And that you really, really check yourself with that, okay?
So online dating is gonna be a place
where you can actually learn about what you enjoy.
You get to learn about how you communicate,
how you communicate with people,
but then also how others communicate with you
and what you might need to work on
or what you're good at.
Y'all, my husband and I,
we don't communicate the same.
Ha ha ha.
And ladies, let me tell you, men don't communicate like us women.
So y'all are going to get some experience with dating some
different men, and you're going to realize there are different
ways of communicating. And it's going to bring out some like,
you know, even just tonight, I mean, I was like, Oh, Lord, I'm
like, honey, I can't do I can't do this. Like, you're gonna just
have to, you're gonna have to communicate things a little
better. I said to him, I'm like, okay, and so like, it's, it's
important, like, you're gonna learn this stuff in dating.
Like, that's why it's also important ladies that when you
step into this whole online dating, like this isn't just
about finding the one, I want you guys just to go ahead and
take the pressure off of yourself. Take it off. You don't
have to look at these dates as Oh, I got to sit here and pick
this apart. And I don't know. And God's got to tell me and I
just don't want to waste my time. And ladies, I've heard it
all. I heard it all. I actually probably did it all. I'll be
real. And so take the pressure off yourself. Like, you don't
have to really start asking that question until you've actually
decided after like, three dates that you actually enjoy hanging
out with a person. And then you're like, Okay, I really kind
of have fun. But yeah, there's just some things I don't think
I know. I don't think I want this and no. But be open. Be
open to allowing that time like grow in that like learn, learn
some things in the process. Learn how you pace emotional
intimacy. Ladies, I get a lot a lot a lot. There's always it's
like the two ends of the spectrum. How many of you are
like? It's the slow burn. Like, I'm not I'm not gonna sit here
and pour my emotional, like, not gonna put my emotions into it.
And so I know you can be trusted. Like, you're like,
okay, we're gonna pace this slow. I'm just now seeing I got
some some chats going on here in the thing. Why my thing never
scrolls down. Yeah, some of us some of us are like, you know,
no, we're, we're, we ain't getting emotionally attached
right away. But guess what, if if you are a little more guarded,
you're gonna realize, okay, things might not be moving
along, because I'm not really showing some interest. And I'm
not like, navigating this well, and I might have to pick up the
pace, I might have to put some some little risks out there. Now
if you were like me, I'm curious who out here was like me. Like,
you went from zero to 100. Like, the emotions were all there.
Like, oh, I think I met the man of my dreams. We're gonna be
married, we're gonna have kids and we're gonna have to do this
and this. Like, how many of that was the how many of that? How
many of you can relate to that? Like, we're gonna we're gonna
watch that. And y'all ladies, you'll see like, some of us go
in from like, we can't I you know, somebody later is gonna
be like, I can't even keep up which guy what guy she's
talking about. One minute she was like, all over this, you
know, oh, I, you know, I can't wait to introduce this guy to my
family. And the next thing you know, like, that guy's gone. And
this guy in just a week, y'all are talking about engagements.
What? Trust me, it happens. Okay, so we're going to want to help
you navigate that. Okay. And so this is the season to spend time
learning things like this about yourself. Okay. Okay, let's keep
this moving here. But just passing by this one is important
because some of you are like, what, what is this principle?
This principle goes along with a like realizing that you're gonna
have to
some realities without losing your peace. Y'all are gonna probably experience this
when you get into online dating. So let's just go ahead and normalize this.
Alright, you're gonna encounter scammers, you're gonna encounter ghosting, you're
gonna encounter wishy-washy men, you're gonna encounter men who don't know what
they want, you're gonna encounter like the emotionally unavailable men, you're
gonna encounter the love bombers, you're gonna encounter, um, what else am I
leaving out here? Oh, you're gonna, you're gonna encounter some men that are like
seriously inappropriate.
It sucks, y'all. Like, I don't know about y'all, but that was, that was, y'all, I'm
feisty, if you guys can't tell. I had two brothers, okay, so I always had to like
hold my own. So when men are seriously like sexually
inappropriate, I'm like, oh heck no. Mm-hmm. Don't. Like, I, this is where some, some of
my, like, masculine, like, tendencies, some of that, like, where that I need to work
on my feminine a little bit, can come out. Some of my guardedness will want to come
out and, you know, I've, I had to learn how to just let that literally roll off my
back. Okay, so go ahead and just sit with that and just be like, okay, these are
things I'm going to encounter. What things might I encounter that I'm
concerned about that I want to start spending time with the Lord and
processing?
We can have conversations about how to, like, y'all, just because we take
questions, you're like, and a lot of ladies are like, I'm in this situation,
I'm in this situation, what do I do? Ladies, you can have conversations with
us about, like, okay, I know that this is a reason why I'm hesitant because I'm
nervous about this situation, how might I handle that? We can, we can sit there
and unpack that, we can go through some, you know, what's below the surface, where
is that coming from, why might that be a trigger for you? We can sit there and
navigate that and a lot of you ladies are going to hear what some of these
other women are experiencing and if you allow yourself to be open to hearing the
coaching and not get defensive for these women, because y'all, I'm a mama
bear, I will get defensive for you all, trust me. Like, there's times where I have
to, like, tone it down for myself so that I'm showing up for you all and not being
like this, oh, I'm gonna knock this dude out, like, I want his number and I want to
tell him what's up. With that being said, y'all ladies need to understand it's not
your job to teach a man how to date, to teach him emotional maturity, it's not
your job to do the heartwork for him or teach him how to heartwork. I have to
even check myself with my husband. There's a lot of times, especially we
were doing couples heartwork, Jackie had to remind me all the, all the time, she's
like, Carla, I know you're a heartwork coach, but you can't heartwork, heartwork
your husband. It's also not your job to sit there and share the gospel with him
on a dating app. We'd like to call that ministry dating. It's not your job.
Like, you totally get it, yeah, trust, oh, trust me, we, we, we do struggle with that,
we do. Doesn't he not know the Lord? He doesn't think that women are allowed to
preach. Oh, does he not know the Bible? Oh, I'm gonna tell him, like, trust me. I have
moments like that too, where I'm like, I just want to educate this man. No, it's
not our job, it's not our job. It's also, ladies, I want y'all writing this one
down. It is not your job to convince him that you are worth showing up for.
Write it down. It is not your job to convince him that you are worth showing up for.
your job to convince any man or boy, okay, because boys are the ones that want to be
convinced. Men, men with the three M's, marriage minded, masculine and mature, they don't,
they're not there for a woman to convince them of anything. So you all are not there
to convince anyone that you are worth showing up for. Not your job. You don't need to confront
them. You don't need closure. A lot of people want to have the closure. Oh, I just want
to end this well. I just feel like I need closure so that I can move on. If you just
knew that, then, you know, I did my part. I honored myself. Ladies, sometimes it ain't
going to matter. It won't. Because if they're not going to receive it, like don't, it's
just not going to matter. You don't need to educate them. You are not their mama. Half
some of these men don't even listen to their mamas. Probably why they have maybe issues
of not having a wife. They weren't raised how to treat their mamas well. Okay, that's
not everybody. Okay. I'm not here to bash men. That's not what we're here to do. Okay.
But I want you ladies, again, just because one guy is not showing up in a great way,
it doesn't mean that it goes for all men. Because what will happen is sometimes it does
happen is we sit and categorize all men are like this. All men do this. All men do that.
And then we start hating on men. And then we become the victims. And then, oh, we're,
you know, we're, we're entitled. Like, we don't want to do that. Y'all. We love men.
We do. You don't want to love a man. Okay. You need, you need one man to love ladies.
If you want a marriage, you do. So you don't want to go in with this idea like I hate men.
Men suck. Okay. Do some men do? Yeah. But guess what? It's not our job. It's not our job. Lord,
you gonna handle them. You get to handle them. Not me. All right. We have enough on our plates
as women. Am I right? We have more than enough. I don't need that. All right. Um,
I like this statement here. Discernment often looks like quiet disengagement.
Discernment often looks like quiet disengagement.
If you were sensing something like, oh, this is not, sometimes you just don't even have to engage
it. If you're, you know, if you start engaging it ladies, and sometimes you get in that battle
and that war and some of these, some personalities, cause I'm not just going to say this as men
personalities, women are like this too. Unhealed can show up like this. They're just there for
the fight. They're just there to antagonize. They're just there to get the rise.
They have insecurities. They want the, they're there for the power. They're there to control.
They have their own stuff. And when we engage in that, we just affirm it for them.
So sometimes when we discern, like, I don't know if this is something we can just quietly disengage
and kind of set with it and allow them to show up how they want to show up that they will honestly
show their true colors. People that really have some unhealthy stuff, they can't contain it for a
very long time. They really can't. I know when I was really unhealthy, I couldn't. I'll be real with
y'all. All right. I had a lot of stuff before artwork that I just really needed a lot of help
with. All right. Okay. Let's move through these last three. Cause I'm going to get to questions.
Principle four clarity will filter for you. This is like about your profile. It's not a
Resume, it's just an invitation
Be clear. All right your photos you want one close-up one full length. No sunglasses. No group shots
Smile, okay guys like your smile
All right. Joy is magnetic
All right competence without performance is attractive
Be confident that's going to be attractive when we act like we're trying to do something. It's keep healthy man
We'll see right through that
You want your words to be positive about who you are?
Okay, don't be negative in your your your profile
Share things about what you enjoy
Communicate what qualities and characteristics that you find attractive
Okay, so don't just talk about you
What's great about you, but also let people know what you are attracted to in a positive way
like
I don't know. I'll go off on a tangent. So let's I'll get with the picture here
You want to make sure that you're filling out
Everything that you can okay
Not every guy is going to probably read all the information
but you never know some men do some men don't don't be offended if
You you put some information in there and they just didn't read it
You know, I'll be honest there were times that I didn't always read all the information
Men who are intimidated by clarity when you're very clear about like who you are what you're looking for in a
soft feminine way if
The men that are intimidated by that. They're not your assignment
It doesn't mean that you're not going to deal with some of those type of men
And you're gonna hope wish that they would have filtered themself out
But just understand that when they do get through that filter, okay
When they do get through a little bit of that fishnet
because
Somehow they just were really tiny and they squiggled in there
Just take them and just throw them out. You know, you don't even need to fuss with it
The do not overshare this is a good one you really want to you want to pace
communication with wisdom
Really really pace communication with wisdom
And be mindful about your emotional and spiritual boundaries
Physical boundaries as well. Okay, we talked about boundaries last week
So if we have any more questions kind of left from that don't hesitate
to
Share, you know ask questions about that. So again, we don't want to overshare so it's not just
The emotional overshare the spiritual overshare all of those boundaries, we're not sitting there telling about our trauma stories our ex
triggers
Per se, okay
We're not sitting there telling about our sex history. That ain't their business
Okay, this is in those beginning stages of dating
Okay, we're not sitting there telling about our sex history
Okay, we're not sitting there telling about our trauma stories our ex
Okay, this is in those beginning stages of dating
Okay
You aren't hiding. Okay. You're not there to hide anything, but you're there to honor
You and your time as well
Okay, you're not going to go and share information that someone hasn't earned the time to receive yet
And that just goes with any
Relationship. I mean I have to tell that to my my
teen daughter
You know, she loves connecting with people. She likes
you know, she wants she
She loves people
She's a very empathetic like she just she's a wonderful social butterfly
She she really is
But that can often sometimes allow her to kind of overshare
And then she finds herself in these like heartbreaking situations because she's over shared with somebody
That she then later learns that they're not a very trustworthy
person
They're not really someone that
Really deserved that information
Okay, and there's ways of being able to
communicate
To guys when we're on dates that are asking about that stuff
Okay
We can discuss that you'll see me
Just go through several of the posts in the app in our community and you'll see
Me respond that frequently like I will give you the verbiage. It's it's very very simple
Um, also don't be offended if guys are sharing a lot of that personal information with you
There will be men that will overshare with you
There's ways of navigating that as well
Hold some space. Okay
Redirect take note take a mental
No. All right, unpack it here with us if you need to. We can walk through that process with you.
Let's see, openness, honesty, and courage.
That's, it's a yes until it's a no. Okay, be open, be honest, have courage, all right.
Don't be afraid to give someone an opportunity. Be honest, like, hey, I'm just getting my feet wet
and trying to decide what I like and what I don't, and I want to see what things we have in common
first before we get into that, you know, that detail, those type of details, you know.
You know, I just, I, I, you know, I'm, I'm new to this, and I'm
working on things in myself, and I just, I want to make sure that I'm aligned with God,
with who I spend my time with, and what I invest in, in that, and,
and being honest about that. You don't have to divulge all the information.
You get to be clear and honest and have some courage to say, okay, and guess what? It's
having the courage sometimes to say it and knowing that if they reject it, that's, that's them. That's
not you. Okay, I see lots of questions going up in the chat. I do want to, I want to get to those,
so I do not want to overlook those. I think I talked about this as well, about the
long-distance dating. Okay, being open, like being open. Some of you are like, I'm not moving. Y'all,
that was me. I was not moving. Y'all, I ended up moving. Took me a while.
So, it's just being open about what does God want to do. It's surrendering,
dating to what God wants to do in your love story. Okay,
so, we've got some time for questions, and I got lots of hands up. So, I know there's lots
of questions in the chat. So, ladies, if you have a question in the chat, I want you to put
your hand up, because I do want to get to those, or if there's anyone that can go through the chat
so we can really get to as many as possible, and if anybody can, like, raise their hand and be my,
like, personally, like, oh, Carla, this person had this question. This person had this question.
If someone wants to volunteer themselves to do that, we'll hit up as many questions as we can.
Sound good? All right, I see Nikki from Florida. Florida girl. I love it. I'm going to take Nikki.
I've got Patty, Luani, Lovelette. She's going to share some stuff. I got Sandy.
Is it, I cannot, it's a Canyon. Canyon? Did I pronounce that right? No, I didn't, did I? Canyon?
No. Girl, help me out. You can just call me Connie.
We had this discussion before, didn't we? Maybe, yeah. Yes. Okay. Yeah, Connie is fine.
Yeah. Are you what? Connie is fine. It's like a nickname. Connie? Yeah, yeah. Connie. Okay, girl.
Girl, y'all, y'all, some of you know the story, like my poor, my poor 10 year old,
we found out a few years ago, he is, and, oh, thank you, Sarah. We found out my, my 10 year old
has dyslexia and that boy probably got it from me because I am phonetically challenged.
Who else have we got? Susan and Rosanna and Lovelette. What's that? That would be nice.
Yeah. Hey, Sarah. And what else?
I just found out I have Huntington's. Hang on a second, y'all. Have you ever heard of that?
I have. My, my mother has. Okay, let's see if she stays muted.
She might be like on her phone and it might just be hitting,
but that happens to me sometimes. Okay, I think,
I think it's, I'm just going to keep it.
All right. Okay. Nikki, I'm going to go with you and then we're going to, we're going to
knock these out. So short, brief and powerful ladies, but we're going to allow Holy Spirit
just to really take over. Okay.
Okay. Um, hi Carla. Um, I, uh, have been in phase two for a really long time. Um, really,
really long time. Um, and Ebony is aware that I have a lot of anxiety with online dating.
Um, done it before. Um, like years ago and went on a couple of dates and had a couple
short relationships from it. But, um, my, I've been in phase two for actually over a
year. I'm not gonna lie. Um, and I hardly share, Ebony knows that as well because the
last time I shared was in November, um, because of a guy that I met at my job and I was working
in the schools at the time I was, I'm a counselor. Um, but I, in November I took another job,
same company, but I'm working in outpatient and still, like I told Ebony, like I would
start the online dating at the beginning of the year. I told her that in December and
I still haven't. And I plan on doing a one-on-one with her because I know that there's stuff
that needs to be unpacked. But the reason that I wanted to, um, come on tonight and
talk is there is a counselor, uh, a male who started working a couple of weeks ago with
us. And, um, I'm 38, he's 42. So we're like close in age. Um, immediately, like my coworkers,
uh, colleagues, um, were some of them at least were saying, oh, Nikki, he's really attractive.
He's not wearing a wedding ring. And they found out he was single and they were like
trying to see if, um, we could be something. But I have a lot of anxiety with, um, the
idea of dating someone that I work with, because if it doesn't work out, I can't even imagine
the awkwardness of that. Um, well, one of the, one of my colleagues, um, reached out
to a, he he's friends with, his name's Adam, just so I like it, I can keep it straight.
Um, Adam is friends with this guy named David that, um, also he doesn't work in our department,
but we, he's a, another colleague. Anyways, one of my, Adam is the guy that is working.
That's the attractive guy. Yes. Yeah. That's working a couple. And David is a guy that
works in a different department. Yes. Who's friends with Adam. They've been friends for
like long, a long time. And so Jen reached out to David cause she's friends with him
to find out if Adam was single and if he was a Christian because they know that I'm a Christian.
Well, David said that he is single. Adam is single, but that for as long as he's known
him, which has been a really long time, like over a decade, I think he's never been a church
going guy. Okay. I'm like, okay, well that doesn't sound promising, but I really don't
know. Well, uh, I'm trying to speed it up. Sorry. I have some anxiety because this has
been like an overwhelming thing for me. Um, so I was like, okay, well that's enough information.
I'm not going to like entertain it, but I'm still friendly and everything. And he found
out that I love drinking chai and I try to get a chai latte like before work or at lunch
or something. So, um, he ended up teams. He actually sent me a team's message to tell
me that he hopes to have a great weekend. Um, so I was already like, Oh, he's, you know,
acting interested a little bit. I wouldn't like get carried away at that point. But then
he messaged me and said he was heading out and want to know if he could get me a tie or
anything else that I would like. And I, um, actually wanted to try, but it was too late
when I saw it. And I remember like learning that it's okay to accept these things. Like
maybe that's just me being feminine and receiving. Absolutely. Like there's no expectation. So I
said, Oh, that would be wonderful. But it was too late. Like he didn't see the message in time.
Anyways, um, he's been really friendly and sweet and kind and everything. And we've been messaging
on we had been messaging on teams. And like, really, I've actually been enjoying the conversations.
And we, we ended up exchanging numbers. And we, we ended up texting a lot, having a long phone
conversation actually on Saturday. Very like the as far as our conversations go, like, I feel like
Ebony would be proud because it's not gone deep at all. Like we literally spent like a whole
whole long time talking about our favorite foods like crazy.
He, he, he, I think we both have good boundaries. Now I over I
used to overshare for sure. But um, we both just slightly talked
about our families here and there. Nothing about trauma,
nothing about exes, nothing about faith either, though. He
does know I'm a Christian, because I've mentioned it here
and there. I told him about a Bible study I was going to I
talked about a couple times that I prayed and made a decision
after praying. So and he's, he said, I can see your faith is
important to you. But that's about as far as it's gone. He
hasn't shared anything about any faith of on his end. I, I have a
lot of anxiety because we've been texting and kind of being
playful, a little flirty, but not crazy. Nothing about each
like anything about like how we're attracted to each other,
nothing like that, but just playfulness. And it's obvious
that there's like attraction, though, and interest between us.
And I don't know how long I should let this go without
telling him that I'm looking for a Christian because I already
feel like it's gone. I didn't even know what I was getting.
Like, this sounds crazy. But like, it happened kind of fast.
Not that I didn't have an opportunity to not give him my
number. Obviously, I had full control of that. But I ended up
I don't know, I just was thinking like, Oh, I don't want
to shut him down. I didn't actually know if he was
technically a Christian. I don't know. I don't know. uses, because
I did want to talk to him. But I now I feel like very anxious
because I don't know if it's gone. It sounds silly, because
it's, it's not like we've had any deep discussion. But I
already feel like it'll be awkward at this point, even to
to have a discussion about like what I'm actually looking for.
Because now we're just be like walking by each other knowing
like, we're not gonna, it's not gonna go anywhere. But then I
also part of me doesn't even want to bring it up, because I'm
just anxious at this point. So I hope I'm making sense. But
that's
yes, you're making absolute total sense. 100%. I wish I was
doing online dating. It sounds crazy, because I've been
avoiding it so long, but like, I've been avoiding it. And now
I'm like, man, this would have been so much easier if I was
doing it.
Yes, right. I could just be like, Oh, hey, are you a
Christian? Oh, you're not? All right. Well, then I don't feel
like going on a date and have the conversation. Like, all
right, cool. Yeah, like, literally gonna be passing him
every day. Like, we we work in the same office. So it's just I
don't know. I don't know what I don't. If I'm a counselor, and I
can help other people. But when it comes to my own stuff, like I
literally feel so lost right now. I have so much anxiety
about it.
I get you. I totally get you. Like, thank you. So it's the
best that counsel and like, give out wisdom. We also need the
same thing too. Because I oftentimes like why can't I take
my own advice? Like a lot of times y'all ladies, things that
I coach you ladies on as single women. It pertains to me as
well. And I'm a married woman. So you all like I like it's, I
want you ladies to understand like this process is what will
be so cool for y'all. And I'm not going to go off on this
tangent for long is that dating and being single actually does
prepare you for marriage because there's a lot of stuff that
shows up in marriage that, believe it or not, you address
in singleness as well. And so it helps you uncover that. So a lot
of times, those of us that help others, we need the same thing.
And a lot of times we talk to ourself and yet we don't want to
listen to ourselves. So you make complete sense. So a couple
things. What I what I love about this situation is, from a
coaching perspective for all the ladies that are on this call, is
that when you are going through something, regardless of what
this looks like for each and every one of you, every one of
you have an opportunity to look at this as an opportunity for
growth. This, this is not like a haphazard, like, Oh, gosh, I
should have done this. And I shouldn't have maybe I shouldn't
have done that. Because I heard a little bit of that
conversation happening, like, I should have just done this, and
I need to own this. Well, okay. But you can't change that. So
you're in this situation now. So what opportunities is the Lord
putting in front of you to be able to address what things are
causing the anxiety?
What is the biggest concern and the common theme that's not just showing up in this
such situation, but how does this feel similar to other situations you've been in your past
where it feels very similar?
Yeah.
I can't, I don't know if you want me to reflect on it or answer, but I have been in
situations where I have gotten involved with a guy who wasn't a Christian and got emotionally
attached.
Okay.
So is there some fear that that's going to happen again?
Yeah.
And I, yeah, definitely that's part of it.
I definitely attach easily, but, and so I'm very cautious because of that.
So I actually, it sounds kind of contradictory, but I rarely attach because I know when I
do attach, it's, it's deep.
And so that emotional bond is there.
I can detach.
And when I do, it's full detachment.
I can't even imagine being with any ex that I've ever dated, but in the moment and it
can last a little bit, I, and I also just get nervous about making it awkward for the
other person.
I don't want to hurt them, but I ended up getting hurt for sure.
Like, yeah.
In, in the process.
And I'm just, that's good too.
So again, that's, that's always something again, and, and ladies, when these situations
come up, just know that we as coaches might ask certain questions and you might not feel
like it, it makes sense, or you might not feel ready to answer that.
And that's totally fine.
This is when partnering with Holy Spirit is super important.
And so, because there's a couple of things here, like I said, like addressing this, some
of the anxiety and the, this, this attachment, that's, that's maybe God is wanting you to
reflect on that.
The like asking yourself this, you know, where does this awkwardness, this concern for making
it awkward for the other person?
Where does that come from?
What's God trying to show me here?
And it's, it's, you don't have to tackle everything, but you get to spend time processing through
being like, okay, what Lord are you highlighting for me right now in this season that you want
me to step out in faith in?
So my, my curiosity is, I'm wondering, is you have shared that you were in a situation
before where you got emotionally attached to somebody and they weren't a Christian.
There's probably some hurt there you've been able to detach, but there might be this fear
of this happening again.
Yeah.
And there's definitely shame with it because I knew better.
So like I have a lot of shame wrapped up in the, in that stuff is you see how there's,
there's something below the surface a little bit.
Yeah.
And so it's spending time and asking the Lord, okay, like you're giving me this opportunity
because I don't have to do this.
This doesn't have to be the same, same situation.
This outcome doesn't have to, doesn't have to be the same as what it was in the past.
What can I do differently now and what Lord are you asking me to do that is going to help
me grow into who you say I am?
What are some things that I can be doing?
My like what I, my opinion, okay, and again, you, you get to decide whether or not this
works for you or not.
How would it make you feel if you had an honest and open conversation with this guy and say,
Hey, again, you're not, you're not even having to overshare, but you can say, Hey, you know,
I need to share something with you and it might seem a little awkward.
So forgive me if it feels awkward, but I, I feel like we're enjoying getting to know
one another.
However, you know, my faith, like you mentioned, my, my faith is really important to me and
that is a non-negotiable.
And before this kind of gets any more awkward than maybe it already can be, I just want
to communicate that to you that I enjoy getting to know you, but I just want to let you know
that this.
If this is only going to go
This is not gonna go further than a work friendship. Is that is that gonna make things awkward for you?
like
Half an open. I mean it's gonna feel awkward for you. You're gonna step into something different
It might cause some anxiety but what would it look like if you faced that
Anxiety and it actually didn't turn out the way that you feared
Mm-hmm. Yeah
Do you think that I should give him an opportunity to say where he is in his faith?
Like I just wasn't I wasn't trying to make it
Too serious too deep too fast, but then it's like so I mean, yeah
Let's let's just ping-pong here a little then we can just you know
Talk through this and see like what might be the best way to
Have this conversation with him
You know if
Because you guys are seeing each other on a daily basis. You have had those conversations
he's made a comment about your faith being important to you and just be like
You know being able to find a time or a situation where you bring that up again
About your faith and just say hey, you know the other day you mentioned my faith being really important to me. I'm curious
what
Where are you at with your faith? Is that something that's important to you as well?
Okay
So it happens. It would be okay to bring it up then like before we
Before he ever asked me out on a date then I think it's like trying to figure out when it's not your aim
Like you're not you're not interrogating him. Yeah say
I think it
What it sounds like to me is you are
Pretty certain this guy is not a believer. Mm-hmm
He's made a comment that your faith is important to you yet. He is not giving you any
Inkling that that's the same for him. Yeah, exactly and and ladies what I will say, I mean I
Don't know about you all and again
Not every man is gonna be like this but
If you're going to share something about your faith
The likelihood of someone else who has faith as something that's important to them as well
Especially when he's asking you like hey, you want to give you a chai latte and you know, there's some flirting happening
there is going to be a
Conversation and there's gonna be an openness for him to share
That similarity. Mm-hmm
My husband was very forward about his faith and it being important to him
Okay, I'm not saying all men are gonna be like that
so ladies that when you're meeting guys online like this guy is a little different because it is
She's meeting him in her community. It does look slightly different. Okay, so
At this with this situation I'd be like, yeah like it's okay to say hey
You know
We were talking the other day about my faith again. You just be having conversation like
Normal conversation at work or whatever. I haven't you know, and you can trust me. I'm sure you're gonna be able to find a way to
Insert your faith in some way. I mean is anybody ever struggled? I mean if you have you can be honest with me. I
I've never struggled with it. If you have we can talk about it any of you ladies. We're
Sharing about your faith in just an organic way and having conversation
Has been difficult
Has that been difficult for anybody
Nikki, has that ever been difficult for you to just kind of no. No, in fact, that's why he already knows my faith
Isn't yeah, because I think talk about it actually, but he picked up on it enough
Yeah, so that's I'm saying I think naturally you're gonna find yourself in a conversation
Where you can bring that up and it will just organically happen. And then that's when you can kind of say hey
You know, do you mind me asking where like where you're at in your faith? Or is that something that's important to you as well?
Mm-hmm, and you can just learn a little bit
but I think that then segues into the conversation where you're gonna he's gonna
Share oh, no this that whenever and then at that point you can say well
You know, I do want to be clear because I know
you know that
This this is the friendship like I don't want to lead you into thinking that this
is going to go anywhere. I hope that's okay. And that will be more natural because then
you get to set that boundary and then it almost relieves the awkwardness before it gets even more
awkward. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, that does. Yeah. Does that give you less anxiety to
approach it in that way? Yeah, that does. That sounds really good. And I have one more question
about it. I think if we had this through text, that would be okay? Text message?
Can you do a phone call? Because you said you've had some phone calls with them.
Yeah. Yeah. I would do a phone call. Text, ladies, my whole thing is with text is
things can be misinterpreted. There's a lot with phone, in person. I like in person stuff better,
but I can understand, again, if you've had naturally, you can have conversation on the
phone. Again, you see him in person, you're going to get face-to-face interaction with
them at some point. But there's a lot of misinterpretation with text. Yeah. And so
I'm always about face-to-face first and if not anything, a phone conversation because you can
hear tone. Yeah. Yeah. That's super important. That's just how I operate. But I also think
something to be said, even you just mentioning, man, I've been wanting to get online and I have
been reluctant to that and now I wish I was. I think even the timing of this is helpful for you
to be like, okay, if I can face this anxious situation, then you know what? I can do anything.
I can build the courage up and face this anxiety and get myself on the apps because guess what?
You don't have to. There's no rule book of what it looks like.
You don't have to do it so often in this and that. You get to pace this however
God wants to reveal things to you.
Yeah. When you said that, I just got this like, you know what? God is just doing something here.
And so I think it's one, I think it's awesome that you're able to share this and you're being
real and honest and raw here in community and that's where growth happens.
And that's where growth happens. So it doesn't matter how long you've been in phase two.
All right. There's no shame. Again, there's no shame. I don't want you to feel shame.
But if shame is something that even the Lord is highlighting for you, then that's another
thing that you can be like, okay, Lord, I see this. Help me navigate this. This gets to be
your walk and it gets to be your intimate time with the Lord
and your personal relationship. That's one thing, ladies, that I found so
incredible about this community is we go in, we come in for this idea of like,
oh yeah, I want to be married. But we come out and like me, I'm still in and get so much more.
Like the one thing that I'm like, yeah, like I'm blessed that I have my husband, but y'all,
anyone that I talked to about this program will hear me say the best thing that I got from this
program was the deeper intimate relationship that I got with the Lord that I didn't know I was missing.
There's so much more in this community when we open our hearts to that.
Yeah, I agree very much so.
Yeah, so I applaud you.
Thank you. I appreciate your feedback. I do feel better about it. I kind of feel like I'm
possibly in our in my conversation with him, I'll take some accountability for like my energy,
because I do feel like I feel a little bit responsible, not because like I said anything
like I would regret necessarily, but just responsible for getting a little bit swept
away without knowing for sure if he was a Christian and like.
I think, I mean, it's just obvious.
He knows that I am attracted to him,
like by the way I've behaved a little bit.
Not that I've behaved in like an immoral way,
but just my energy.
And I guess that's like part of my anxiety.
And so I just feel-
You're good with claiming things as my anxiety.
I don't like, careful with that.
Do you know where I'm going with this?
Yeah, I think so.
Claiming it as yours, that you're owning it.
Yeah.
Did you get to hear Supernatural Saturday?
I actually missed this one, it's the only one I missed.
So yeah, I actually missed it.
Because you can take authority,
like I want you to have that authority,
like there may be anxiety,
but it doesn't have to be yours.
Jesus took care of that on the cross.
We don't have to pick up, okay?
And I say this as someone who has struggled with anxiety.
And I have to remind myself that every day, okay?
I only say it because I hear it, because I do it.
That's why that stood out to me.
Yeah.
I've battled with myself, and I do still battle with,
but I think God is gonna do something really beautiful
in helping you overcome this lie
that anxiety belongs to you, because it doesn't.
And so, yeah.
All right, okay, let's keep moving, girls.
We're gonna get as many in as we can.
Okay, Patti, let's go.
Thank you, Carla.
Of course.
So like you, Carla,
I have been very hesitant to do online dating.
And so like Laura, I did a meetup,
and I'm always looking to try to do more meetups,
but just one so far in person.
So I found, well, Facebook showed me an ad, okay?
For a group called Meet Five, I think.
Supposed to be a,
turns out to be an app,
but it's supposed to be to make friends.
The goal is to get you off your phone
and meeting people in real life.
So I said, oh, good, I can try that.
And I just joined it yesterday,
just put up the picture that I posted in our group
with myself, me and my dog, just one picture.
I was like, it's not a dating app.
We're just gonna try to see if we can meet certain people.
And I don't even have anything,
like I selected some hobbies and,
but I don't have like a little bio or anything.
And so my question was going to be about,
because it's not specifically a question, right?
So my question was gonna be some tips,
any tips that you had for navigating
either in-person meetups or online dating
where the groups is not,
or the app is not specifically Christian.
Then I wanted to share what happened quickly.
Today, I went to their like welcome new members call.
It was a Zoom.
And I just came back from walking my dog.
I wasn't really dolled up or anything.
Oh, did you, were you saying something?
I'm sorry.
Oh no, go ahead, keep going.
You're good, you're good.
And I had no, I was just like, okay,
I'm just gonna hop on here, you know?
And I was really there to learn how to learn,
to use an app.
And I got, you know, I'm on Zoom a lot.
So I saw that there was a, I could see the chat.
So I was like, wait, is that an individual chat?
Oh, it's a man, a picture of a man, anyway.
There you go, girl, yes.
Oh, hi, how are you?
What state are you in?
So I was like, oh my gosh.
I was like, okay, calm down.
We know not to get overly excited.
And he's, you know, just, you could just,
and so we went back and forth and he's in Atlanta
and he's telling me about, you know,
have I ever been to Atlanta?
And last time he was in New Jersey and blah, blah, blah.
So that went back and forth.
That was nice.
And then, and this is, the problem is that my face
can be very expressive, which is probably not a good thing.
That's why I try not to be on camera so much.
I'm not like the, anyway, I look up and there's another one.
Oh man, I'm like, you know.
hiding this is good i love it amazing because you know i feel like this may this may be that
i may never see them again but question are these zooms like a weekly thing like you're zooming
or is it was it just like a new members like you're only doing it once it's a one time only
okay i i i don't know i just joined yesterday so i know it said new members so i i don't know
did they drop drop any phone numbers to you one of them tried the second one was like and i was
like uh no they just told us not to give phone numbers out they did okay that's good i didn't
say that to him but in my head i was like people would not want me doing that either you know right
i don't know you you know and um so you know i was like well if you could find me in the app
i'm not even a premium member i like that you know if they here's the thing if they want to
come like they can't they'll they'll they'll seek you they'll seek you i love it um so i'm gonna get
to your question because i do want to i want to leave space for other people here too um
tips with navigating when you're not and this is a great question ladies because um
i know as christians it's like oh well where do i go to meet christians well
we're christian we go like do we not hang out in other places that are just not always labeled like
oh this is where i hang out because i'm a christian no you go to the grocery store you go to
you know bowling you go to you go and do activities you go to restaurants you go to
you go and do life right so and and as christians like we're called to
to to to model that have relationship with people i mean i'm not like even when i'm picking my
friends like i don't i don't i don't question them like are you a christian because if you're
not a christian i can't be your friend like believe it or not ladies like a lot of it's
it's crazy how this actually happened a lot of the moms at my son my youngest son's school
are not believers like somehow it's like that like we all just kind of and believe it or not
like there's a lot of things that i'm like they do not have the same beliefs as me we're not on
the same page about a lot of things together but what's really cool is like there is a respect and a
a like a genuine understanding of like getting to know them and they we we value like i value them
and they value me and like i see opportunities where i'm like wow like i have the opportunity
just to pour into them and show them i don't have to evangelize to them i don't have to
you know get them to believe what i believe i just get to show up that's how i get to show up
and so you know this is a really great question so i would my biggest suggestion is you show up
because you enjoy getting to know people you're there to meet people and learn about
others and learn about yourself you know one thing that i what i would do would be my encouragement
and my tip and what i try to do in general um and this was some something that you know a therapist
that i had a long time ago prompted me to do and it's just something that's been really impactful
in my life and i think it it applies here is to approach every encounter that i have with a person
curious about and asking myself what do i find attractive about that person
not just and i was like well like what do you mean and i was asking like what do you mean
like men i mean he's like no he's like all people young old male female
of all different you know ethnicities everything every person that god puts in front of you
see try to look at them through a lens of how god might see them
learn about them be curious about them you know um you might learn something that you
never learned before you might
I, you know, and, and, you know, there might be times where you might learn that you don't
have a certain personality.
Like that happens too.
Um, so that would be my tip is, Oh, there you go.
Thank you, girl.
Um, that would be my tip for any of you ladies with any of these situations, like even not
girl, you're good.
Um, even with the whole like online dating and, Oh, I'm so sorry, girl, you are super
woman, super woman.
Um, and, uh, cause some ladies are like, Oh, I only want to go on Christian sites.
And I'm like, I get it.
But when you're out doing life, you're not like, do you get to pick and choose like Christians
that are in your path?
Like we were not ever like, we don't know who God wants to put in our path.
So just enjoy every opportunity you get to interact with others.
That would be my advice.
That would be my tip.
Like when you're going out, you're welcome.
All right.
Luani, how are you, girl?
All good.
Um, I'll be brief.
Cause I know there's still a lot of people, um, I try to knock it as many as we can.
I might not get to everybody, but we're going to do our best.
Okay.
What I'll try to do to make it fast is I did post a while back, something that you commented,
which was like, I was sharing my profile and then Ebony was helping and you're like, no,
go do the challenge.
So I did the challenge of posting to our community.
Okay.
So I kind of did it at much.
Like when the whole was, did this happen with the whole, like when the update happened?
Yeah.
I'm still going in the back, like trying to sit here and scour.
So thank you for coming and let me know.
I'm going to look for you.
Do you have an idea about when it was posted?
Ooh, that was maybe is in February, January, February.
And then there was a second moment where, um, I, I rarely get to ask.
So maybe three weeks ago I did this with Ebony and I did ask and she's like, girl,
your story is like, we're not going to have time.
So write down every detail and we're going to go through it.
Um, and I posted it.
Okay.
Did she or I comment?
All she said is, Oh my God, that's a lot.
I'm going to bring this to the whole group of coaches and get back to you and it's been
a good minute.
All right, girl, we don't, we don't get to this.
Are you able to, can we, well, I've been divorced for four years, never had a date.
I've been in online apps.
I've been to speed dating, whatever.
Never got anyone interested.
Um, I, I, I admire, I see all of you guys like, Oh no.
And they keep coming and what do I do with this?
I'm like, no, I don't have that situation.
Like I have nobody.
You're feeling stuck.
Like I, I, it's not that you're not wanting to get out and date.
You're just like, it's not happening.
Is that what you're saying?
Exactly.
Um, and every now and then a friend is like, no, you're, it's not happening.
So we're going to make it happen.
And they'd like make a dinner and make me meet someone and still doesn't go anywhere.
Yeah, girl, I actually relate to that on so many levels because my whole process in, in
last year single, I had a lot of first dates.
I do need one second because I've been this whole time waiting for my question, but of
course the Walmart delivery guy is here and calling and wanting the space for you.
You go do that.
And then you come back.
Okay.
Cause we're, we're, we're taking care of you.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
All right.
Um, Sandy, is yours like super short, brief and powerful?
If it's not, we'll, we'll hold it.
And I'll find someone who has a short one to Luana comes back and put you on the spot.
You're good.
I think if you scroll, if you're on your phone, scroll, scroll left to right and it should
be like tapped on you.
Where did she go?
Oh, there she is.
Okay, there you go.
Can you hear me?
Yes.
Okay.
Can you hear me again?
I'm not really.
Okay.
I'm going to hold you.
Okay.
Come back to you.
Okay.
All right.
Is it, I'm going to butcher your name again.
And I, I hate doing this.
Like I always, it's fine.
You already know I'm coming to you.
Yeah.
Mine isn't really a question.
It is.
I think I can keep it short.
It was basically just, we had talked about checking in on, I guess our heart posture
or something with dating and how, I guess I just was trying to open up a little bit
more and like check in with share where I'm at.
And I kind of just go back and forth between, yeah, feeling really hopeful sometimes and
very encouraged, especially when we have our calls, anytime we have our things together
in this community.
But then sometimes, and I think this is where it's a lesson for me to guard my inputs because
very easily I can see something, hear something from someone and instantly be like, oh man,
you know, like just all of a sudden be like disheartened and like not having a positive,
yeah, not having as much of a positive or hopeful outlook.
Okay.
That plus the fact that I honestly have not gone on any dates since being in this phase,
just been chatting with some people online, but it hasn't been great.
But yeah.
Anyway, just, just wanted to share that.
I love that.
No.
See ladies, I love it when y'all come and you're just honest and real.
Like this is, this is the best, like this is what I love.
Like this is why I love having these, these, the time to be able to do this.
And probably why I tend to go over anyway.
But I get it.
Yeah.
Like this, this back and forth heart posture like this, you're hopeful and you can get
encouraged.
But yeah, there's times where we hear things and we're like, oh no, absolutely not.
And so the thing that's coming up for me to ask you is, especially cause you, you mentioned
the thing with men.
Is there anything that's happened in your past that maybe there might be some layers
of unforgiveness that still needs to take place?
Like there's some unforgiveness there that there's some forgiveness that needs to take
place where you're looking at a lens.
You're looking at men through a lens of just one person and applying it to everybody.
Is there, is there a possibility of that?
I don't know.
Yeah, not, not, not one specific person I think is popping up, but a pattern, a series
of people.
Oh, definitely a pattern.
Oh my gosh.
Yes.
A pattern of, you know, disappointing, disappointing behavior from people.
And yeah, a repeating pattern that honestly, like even up until like very recent events
where I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing that's causing these kinds of people to always
show up.
But, and then that kind of makes me shut down and like not want to.
Yeah.
And that's where the disheartening comes in because it's like, oh, this again, this again,
like, and that's where, you know, it's, let's take some time and let's, when, when you find
yourself getting disheartened or you hear of something, you, you have the awareness
that I'm disheartened.
This is what come up.
Are you coming here in community and sharing that with us?
Are you going into the app and saying, hey, today on the call, when someone was sharing
about something and when they had to experience this with the man, like it, it, it brought
this thing up in me and this emotion and this feeling, and this is what it reminded me of.
And then just, it doesn't even have to be a question and just be like, this is where
I'm at.
And this is what I'm struggling with coaches.
Can you help me ladies to get used to like, like it's, it's, it's, it's this getting used
to the being comfortable coming to us here in community and showing up like, don't.
Don't hesitate to share anything and everything that's coming on your mind.
Like, I would rather you all blow up the app to the point where like, I'm like
staying up till four o'clock in the morning just to, to try to get to every
single person.
Like, I feel like I've had to do that since this, the app literally like messed
up our admin reply stuff.
Like y'all like daily, I'm just like, Lord Jesus, help me.
Um, like I just told Ebony today, I'm like, Ebony, I literally think I've
gotten through everything in March and now I'm having to go back through
February.
I'm like, I just pray that I get to everybody.
So, um, but if I have to stay up till four in the morning, then by golly,
that's what I'm going to do.
I would rather you ladies showing up and letting us know and being vulnerable
with where you're at.
Like, there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with being like, look, I, I go
back and forth from being hopeful and disheartened.
Like y'all, that happened to me a lot.
You know, I went through a season where I was like, I'm done.
I'm so like, y'all, I got, and then y'all, I got in the group.
And I just laid it all out.
Okay.
And this community is such a loving place because the way I showed up, like
was probably not the prettiest, but because I did it, like God was able to
really work, but I remember going in one time, I mean, like, you know what?
I'm so fed up y'all.
I've been in this community for, and at this point, like it had been over a year.
And at the time it was called marrying in 12 months or less.
We weren't, we weren't always called last year, single it's
called married in 12 months or less.
And y'all I had, I was very sideways about, I was, I was one of those
women that I was always showing up.
I was at every call.
I was unmuting.
I was sharing what I was going through and trying to get dates
and guys didn't want to date me.
Get on the first date and like nothing had like this constant disappointment.
And y'all like, we would have this like women that would just, you know, every
month or two, we'd get a new challenge and a new group of women that would
come into our community and it would be like a few months down the road.
They would have like an engagement story.
Y'all I was very sideways about it.
And I'm like, you know, I'm so fed up.
I've been here.
I'm showing up why, you know, and I literally, I laid it out.
I was like, and why is this happening?
Why is it that I'm showing up and doing all these things and I'm doing what I'm
asked to do and these women who hardly show up, it literally just came in four
months ago and now they're sitting there picking out wedding dresses.
I did that y'all.
And thank goodness I did.
And like, you know, Jackie was, she just loved me through it.
Bethany loved me through it.
The sisters in the community loved me through it.
In fact, there was a lot of women that are like, you know, Carla, thank you for
saying that because that's where I'm at too.
I was just too afraid to say it.
And just being able to release that allowed, just to confess it, allow, it
opened me up for the ability for God then to start moving.
I had this community praying, you know, and Jackie and Bethany and a lot of the
women like, you know, pouring into me, asking me some difficult questions at
times that challenged me, some areas of healing that I needed to work on, some
other things that I, like a lot of it I saw had to, had to do with my own identity
and how I felt about my, my own self.
It was so much easier for me to look at other people, but it was, I was like,
man, no, this is a, this is reflective of me.
Like I want, I like, I want you ladies to feel encouraged to just
be yourself here.
There is nothing, nothing that y'all can't do, like that you can do here that
we're not going to love you through it.
And quite frankly, when you do, like you're going to have sisters who'll be
like, thank you so much for sharing that.
So like, girl, I just want you to know that you're not alone.
You're not alone.
alone.
You're not.
And yeah, there are going to be times.
And you know what?
It's also OK to press pause on dating.
If you're like, look, I did this,
and this really upset me, and I, OK.
You know what?
We're going to have you pause.
And now we're going to sit here, and let's spend some time
with the Lord on this.
Let's walk you through this.
Let's partner with you on this.
We're here to do life with you.
That's what we're here for.
And when you do that, you'll be surprised.
You're going to start getting filled with more hope, more
encouragement.
You're going to get success.
You're going to celebrate.
You're going to see how you're growing,
and you're going to see how you're doing things differently.
And you're going to start seeing how things are
going to start turning around.
OK?
I will try to start posting more.
Girl, we got you, OK?
Thank you.
And I get it.
Life is tough.
Life gets in the way.
I mean, I had the luxury.
I joined in 2020 when the world was shut down.
But obviously, I've been here for five years.
And I'm still here.
By the grace of God, Jackie didn't kick me out.
So yeah.
But I just appreciate you showing up and just
sharing that with us.
Because I guarantee you, there's a lot of women on here
that are right where you're at.
Is my girl Iwani back yet?
I don't see her.
Girl, where'd she go?
Did she go?
Well, I wrote her name down, because then I'm literally
going to go search in her name.
And we are going to comb through that app.
And I'll stay up till 4 o'clock in the morning if I have to.
Lord Jesus, help me.
Oh, thank you.
She kind of thanked you.
Yeah, like, I'm here because of what was poured into me.
And I'm thankful that I get to show up and pour it back
into y'all.
It's what, like, it literally blesses me
to be able to do that for you all.
It's how I show my gratitude and thanks
for what God has done in my life.
Because ladies, if God's going to do it for me,
he's going to do it for you really well.
Like, I believe that.
I believe that with every ounce.
And when I was in the season, and I really, I was,
I went to Jackie, and I'm like, I'm done.
Like, this is just not going to happen.
I'm just, I'm giving up on marriage.
Like, I had a very, like, I like to call the come
to Jesus moment with Jackie.
This is when we were a much smaller community.
And I had, you know, was able to have some time with her.
And, you know, she said something to me
that has just has impacted me in so many ways.
And I've had so many full circle moments with it.
And I've been able to take what she was able to do for me
and give it back to so many of the women here.
She said, Karla, you're the bride.
And just borrow my faith.
I know you've been through a season,
and you didn't get what you wanted this year.
But you got what you needed.
And it's OK to borrow my faith.
And I was like, OK, Jackie, like,
it's going to have to be your faith because I just,
I don't know anymore.
And I held on to that thread of her faith
because I didn't have it.
I didn't have it anymore.
And, oh, literally seven days later after that conversation
is when my husband dropped to my DMs.
And then I was ready to cut and run for weeks.
I didn't, and she had to talk me off so many ledges.
But God did something really miraculous.
And it was his timing.
And it was, it had to be God.
And that's when I knew that that alone was the confirmation
that I needed, and the reassurance,
and what I have needed even in my marriage.
Because, y'all, marriage is not easy.
You get married, there is an.
enemy that wants to kill, steal, and destroy marriage.
A lot of people think, oh, I'm going to get married.
Things are going to get better.
No, not always.
It's not always going to be easy.
If y'all saw Jackie posts on social media,
it's not always easy, but it's worth it.
You grow together.
There's so many beautiful things that happen in marriage,
and it doesn't look the way that we all
think it's going to look.
But it actually turns out better, really does.
And like I said, I borrowed her faith,
and I'd been in this community for over two years.
I was done.
I was absolutely done.
And seven days later, my husband dropped in my DMs.
So like I said, if it can happen for me,
it most certainly is going to happen for you.
So if anyone on this call just feels
like the faith isn't there anymore,
and they're losing hope, I will hold the space
for your faith and your hope.
And you get to borrow mine.
Because it was Jackie's faith that I borrowed
that got me to where I'm at.
And so that's what I'm here to give each and every one of you.
And so when you need the pep talk,
you need the big sister talk, you
need sometimes the Band-Aid ripped off, I've got you.
I've got you.
Most importantly, God's got you.
All right?
And my girl Luani's not that cool.
You're welcome, ladies.
This is why I love, like this is what I wish I literally
could have just the hour and a half just
to sit and chitchat with y'all, where
we can have these questions.
And so Rosanna, I'm going to, I'm
going to, can you be short, brief, and powerful for me?
OK, go.
Because I, like, I missed you.
You're like my birthday buddy.
Me, you and Evan are your birthday buddies.
Thank you, thank you.
Real quick, I decided I'm going to be taking a pause
on the apps.
I think I did about the seven dates.
I did a couple of phone calls, I did a couple of dates.
I gave a couple guys that I'm like, hey, I'm not in a space.
I'm realizing I am not in the capacity
to date anyone right now.
But the encouragement to get on the dates because of this push,
because I thought I wasn't going back on the apps again.
I was like, absolutely not.
And then I did.
It boosted, it helped.
I was a different woman than I was a year ago on these apps.
And it certainly encouraged me.
And I'm so excited.
And I'm a lot more concise with what I'm looking for,
what I tolerate.
And I'm also not as scared to vocalize to men
that I'm not able, I'm not in a capacity
to be able to date or talk, even to getting to know them.
Even some incredible men.
And I was like, oh, no, but if I don't.
But my cousin's like, that's a scarcity mindset.
Don't worry.
Like, oh, but what if?
I was like, no, no, no.
That's right.
God is not a god of scarcity.
However, I will say that there is one friend that I have,
I am willing to talk to.
He and I are, I'm liking that.
So there's no exclusivity.
And some things have popped up in our lives
recently, just individually with medical issues and work issues.
And I'm content where I am getting to know him.
And I think we're both in a place like, wow, life's got hard.
So we don't know what to pursue right now.
But I really want to get to know him as a friend.
It seems really dope.
You're in a place of supernatural surrender.
Yeah.
And that's what I've loved about watching you in this season
and getting to witness and see you through this journey
is there is a presence.
Like, I'm a feeler, y'all.
OK, that's just one of my things.
That's one of my gifts is that I just feel.
And with you, like, I can just feel the peace and the growth
and just, like, literally there is a rejuvenation
and a healing that is just covering you.
And it has been amazing to watch.
And I think that alone has been one big success for you.
And, you know, God sees it.
He's honoring it.
He's walking.
He is not wasting anything.
And this goes for all of you ladies.
God doesn't waste anything.
And so, like, whatever season you're
in in this whole process that you're walking through,
don't compare yourself to what someone else is doing
or not doing.
And it doesn't look like this person, and then I'm doing this.
Again, I'm not saying that you're not going to have it.
have moments of like that. But if you do find yourself having
moments like that, share it. Okay, but it's been beautiful
just to watch like, you've had this transformation. And I mean,
I wasn't in phase one coaching in phase one, I don't know, like
all your backstory. But I can feel it. I really can. And like,
you just I know you're you're showing up different because
you like you you give that presence off. Because it's
literally that heart transformation is taking place.
And like, it's what you've needed. And it's just again,
like, you are walking in obedience, and you're abiding
in him, and he is just going to honor that. And like, you know,
God is just going to be continuing to just do beautiful
things in your life. And, you know, you can trust in his
timing. And so, so ladies, sometimes it, it, it, it might
just be like, I just need to go on the dating apps for a little
while. And then there might be an app like a time where you're
like, okay, I'm gonna put things on pause. And guess what, that's
okay. And then, you know, here in a few months, she might
decide, you know what, some things have settled, God did
some things. And she's seen some, you know, fruit from her
obedience, and what God is just really doing. And just the the
things that she's experiencing. And she, you know, she might be
like, you know, I feel like God's calling me back to this.
And then, who knows? We don't know what it looks like. We
really don't. Like, that's kind of the cool thing. Like, think
about it, ladies. Like, it's, I don't know about you all. But
when I go to the movies, like, I, I mean, I like watching
movies I've seen before. But there's just something about
watching a movie for the first time, because you have no idea
what, what it's like, what the ending is gonna look like. Like,
we get to experience that with our lives and our love stories
and all these things like we don't get, we don't get to see
the ending. There's no book that we get to flip to the very
end, you know, because I don't know about you, but I was always
that person that I would read the last couple pages of a book
because I just wait. Okay. There's, I just couldn't. I was
a slow reader, y'all. Like, I just didn't have the patience.
But, you know, but there is like, there's just something
about watching a movie for the first time and seeing the
ending or reading a book and actually waiting, which again,
never really happened often to me. But with our life, like we
don't, we, we actually don't know what the ending looks like.
And so, but what we do know, and what God tells us is that he's,
he's good. He's got the victory. He's working all things out for
our good. That's a promise. And he's not a liar. God is not a
liar. So we know it's a good ending. It's not one of those
crappy movies that have those really crappy endings. Okay.
Like, those are the movies that I don't like. All right. We're
just like, really like that.
I don't like that, you know. Um, but
may I ask something really quick? Like, I'm content being
this. I'm content getting to know this one. This friend. Like
I just want to be his best friend. We just laugh and he
just he can be himself with me and I can see him for what he
is. And maybe I'm just a lot I'm here to walk in this journey
with his medical ish. I don't know. But like, we're not
putting any, we're not putting anything on anything. I just
want to be I really want to get to know this person, whatever it
looks like. But I definitely have. And I was speaking to a
girl who I've gotten connected with because you guys say get to
know these ladies. Well, you know what, we exchange numbers.
This girl and I happen to do time and seasons together. And
then I happen to see her on Saturday prayer with
supernatural. And I was like, Oh my gosh, how are you? She's
like, Hey, your word that you spoke is literally coming. And
that was a confirmation to me. And then she and I exchanged
numbers. We just talked two days ago. I'm like, girl, I need to
tell you about this guy. Tell me about your guy. And we did that.
Like, I'm putting into action what you guys have said. And I'm
making a friendship with this woman in Colorado, and I'm in
Ohio. All that is like, I was like, Can you pray for me? Can
you tell me what's going on? We were laughing like school girls
because of some of the stuff she shared. Yes. And she spoke over
something. And it was funny because the way the word that
she gave me of just like, I feel like this is what the Lord is
telling me take it or leave it, pray about it. Which is really
ironic because the word
she gave me is actually the meaning of this man's name.
And I'm like, oh, I'm like, Jesus, what are you?
And I'm trying to be like, calm it down, calm it,
just like Patty was like, don't read into it,
don't read into it.
And I'm like, I'm gonna trust you, Lord,
and we're just gonna be friends for right now.
But I'm liking being his friend,
I'll just tell you that right now.
So we've been on two dates already.
I just wanna know, is it cool that I wanna be friends,
but I also put pause on it,
because I'm not trying to meet,
I don't have capacity to meet other people right now.
Yeah, again, yeah, you're good.
Like, again, you've had,
like, I can tell that there's been a lot of healing,
like, in you, that this is, and you're involved,
and like, you're connected, and you're engaged in community.
You know, don't, just don't go rogue on us, okay?
No, I don't wanna do that.
I don't wanna do that. Yeah, don't do that.
Okay, ladies, that goes for all of you.
Don't go rogue, all right?
Don't do it.
And, you know, stay connected, like, you know,
that's important, and I love that.
I love that you're taking the wisdom,
and you're absorbing it, and you're putting it into practice,
because, yes, y'all, get connected with each other.
You know, I was in Florida, and I mean,
I had just women from this community all over the place.
Like, y'all meet Erin Joy when you moved to phase three.
She's in North Carolina, I've met her.
There's women in Atlanta that I have known,
and spent time with, Missouri, Indiana.
Bethany was in Kentucky, and then Indiana,
and now she's back down to Florida.
Texas, California, just all over, y'all, all over.
Wisconsin, and then my, I flew my youngest
to go visit his dad, and we flew into Green Bay,
which is like the tiniest airport ever.
Well, she lives 15 minutes from the airport,
and so she literally came and hung out with me.
Like, I'm telling you, like, get connected,
and then I was living in Florida,
and then I ended up moving to Texas.
I'm in Dallas, you know, Fort Worth now,
and so, like, there's several girls here.
I mean, even just this weekend, ladies,
get in single cities if you are in, like,
a single city area.
Like, I literally was like, you know what?
My husband and I have been, like,
wanting to go to Upper Room, and so I was like,
hey, like, my family and I, we're gonna go check out
Upper Room if anybody wants to join.
One of the girls is like, hey, it's actually where I go,
and if you want the Upper Room experience, come on Saturday.
So we, I put it in a single city.
Like, anybody wants to meet up, we're gonna do this,
and then we're gonna go to brunch.
And, like, we threw it out there.
Like, get connected, do life with each other.
Like, it's just, it will be a blessing.
Like, it really will.
And so, yeah, girl, you enjoy the season
that God is literally walking you through.
Like, there is a peace and a joy that is just,
that literally is covering you,
and the healing and the rejuvenation
that is all over you is good, it's contagious,
it's, like, sit in that, soak in that, okay?
Thank you, I needed to hear that encouragement,
because my mind has been all over the place,
and because a lot of people who are well-meaning
say lots of stuff, and I'm like, listen,
I'm abiding in the Lord.
Amen.
It's a yes until it's a no.
I'm not getting any no's, I'm listening,
I'm seeing the reality of this person,
and there will be an understanding
if something has to change on a romantic level,
or just to stay on a friendly level.
God is going to let you know and let you see
what you need to know and what you need to see
when you need to know it.
Amen.
Okay, so I don't have to control it,
because I feel like I want to.
No, oh no, no, girl, you're not picking up the control.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
And if you ever feel like you do,
and you need a sister, come to me,
because I'm a control freak as well,
and it's something that I'm working on myself.
Okay?
So we can, like, help each other with that, all right?
Thank you so much, thank you.
Yeah, absolutely.
Ladies, this is not just about finding our spirit mate,
it's about what does God want to do
and grow and heal in us in general?
Because all of it is preparation
for stepping you into relationship and marriage.
But it's going to, this is going to bless not just marriage,
but it's going to bless all your relationships.
I mean, God's, you've got a bigger assignment than marriage.
God's called you to something bigger than just marriage.
There's other purposes that you are here.
It's not just to be a wife, it's for other things too.
And so, you know, allow this community to be that.
opportunity for you. Okay, we've got you. We're here for you. Sandy, is it the worst if like,
okay, I know. It's got to be like two minutes. Okay, so I'm trying to figure out discernment.
So that's my preface of my question. So I started dating somebody.
And basically, he was came from a singles group and but he also ended up he's out he goes to my
church. Amazing. Um, so what happened is we were going to this something, a meeting, we're going
to go to like a conference. And I somebody goes, I guess there's the police and the security came
and said, Hey, we need to escort you out. And I asked him to him to the guy that I'm seeing.
I said, Okay, what's going on? Because he seems like a very, very, he's a very godly person,
you know, and then she called me and told him because he left because he had to go.
I said, What happened? And he said to me that several years ago, he was involved in a singles
group. And there was this Christian singles group and there was alcohol involved. And he
was aggressive. He doesn't know exactly what all happened, because he kind of blanked out.
And he had pushed a girl into the pool. And okay, so so he blacked out he he didn't realize
and again, I guess he was aggressive with her and pushed her into the pool. And I was like, Okay,
so I then I wanted to ask him more further, but I didn't feel like it was time.
Then I tried to ask him the other night, okay, so tell me exactly I'm kind of confused at what's
going on. You know what that was all about? He's like, Yeah, they just need to learn a lot of
forgiveness. I worked on that for like a whole year with people and they need to learn how to
forgive. So my question is, is I don't know if this is like a red flag. I'm trying to figure it
out. Okay, first, okay, real quick. How long have you been getting to know him? Two and a half
months. Okay. So what other things have you seen in this two and a half months before this situation
happened? Is there been any yellow flags? His temper? His is no drinking? No, no, but he had
told somebody that I know because that he had a drinking problem in the past, but he doesn't tell
me that. Okay, so you guys have been dating for two and a half months. How many dates would you
say that you have been on? Two to three per week. Okay. So girl, you're not exclusive, correct? He
hasn't asked for exclusivity? He has. Yeah, but we're not intimate or anything. So yes.
You're exclusive, but you're not intimate? Correct. Okay. So you're level three.
Oh, okay. Okay. He's, he's asked you like, I only want to date you and you were only dating him.
Correct. Okay. So you're not into, so you're not having sex, which ladies aren't having sex
with anybody. All right. And if you ladies, if you are like, there is no shame, but like,
we're going to want you to come and have a conversation with us about that because we're
going to need to coach you through that, but I'm not going to sidebar here real quick.
Um, have you, have you kissed him? Yes. Okay. So you're level three. Oh, okay. All right. You're
level three. You got a level three relationship. All right. So now it's, you have these conversations,
you, you get to have these conversations. Okay. So what we coach for a lot of these women is
because they're level one, level two, they, they haven't really gotten to know these guys. They're,
they're only been on like, you know, two or three dates. You are going on two or three
dates a week with him. You are doing life with him. You're seeing him in community and church.
Like you guys are, you're seeing like what this would look like if you continue to walk down a
path of where intentionally, like, where is this going to go? Yeah. Right. Right. So now it,
it is about having honest conversation and having, cause ladies marriage is going to.
require you to have some not-so-great conversations. So there's preparation and
exclusive level three relationship of when situations like this happen you are
going to want to see how do they navigate and how do they show up when
there's conflict. Is he open with you and being honest with you about
what he's struggled with. If he has a struggle with alcohol and he is yet
to share that with you and you're hearing that from someone else I would
say hey I there's something concerning that I'm hearing and I need to know what
this is. Okay. And again it's having those conversations but I
want you to be communicating here with us not just here on the calls okay I
want you in the app as well like let us know. So I asked to be in level three
and they said I had to need to pay like a $39 or something per month so
as I go. Okay yeah so we're talking about membership. I'm talking about your
level of relationship. I'm not talking about the phase in which you're in this
community. Okay. Watch the dating 101 video in yeah okay yeah that's where I'm
talking about the levels of dating. Level three is exclusivity. Okay you're in a
level three exclusive relationship but you're still here in phase two with us.
I like to call it like it's love story accelerator. I like dating for
discovery but it doesn't mean that we don't have women that have exclusive
relationship in this phase but yes when you shift over to phase three which is
the all community the VIP community that is it's a monthly it's a monthly
fee. Okay. Which it's no I mean there's there's things that are different there
than there are here but it's very similar. Okay. But what I'm saying is I
want you still showing up to coaching calls. Okay. Whether you're in phase two
or phase three we can sort that out later but I want you showing up in in
these coaching calls I want you keeping us updated with what the relationships
look like what what's what your experience is because ladies when you
get into level three exclusive relationships what will happen is
oftentimes like ladies will just kind of scoot out of here but that's when you
really need to be showing up more. Oh that's where I need to show up more
because I don't want to make a huge life mistake. Because we're here to be your
blind spot. Yeah. We're here to see any of those blind spots that you might have
and and help you kind of uncover anything any patterns that you haven't
even been able to recognize yet and we want to help help you navigate those. So
I want you to have some of these conversations with him and I want you to
be mindful of how are you responding how how are you showing up what are you
feeling what are you thinking those emotions do they feel is there any
thing familiar about it like familiar from your past. To my first
marriage is when my friends told me about the warning signal he repented
basically my first ex-husband but that was a pattern that they asked me like
okay he has this control issue well he had a control issue throughout my whole
marriage. So that's what I'm saying we want you we want you showing up so that
we can walk this this relationship out with you. I'm not saying like again we
want to be able to see if these are red flags or if they're green flags. Okay.
These are yellow flags. You got yellow flags. Okay. You do. Yeah yeah yeah I mean we all have yellow flags.
You got ladies you got him you got police showing up and escorting your
boyfriend out and you didn't you have no idea what's going on that's that's a
yellow flag and he you have no clue what's going on you finding out that he
had a drinking problem he hasn't told you about that that's a problem like we
need to have conversations about this but you're in level three now so we got
to help we don't want you to sit here and like have a meltdown either okay so
we're here to navigate this you're you're there's there's nothing you've
done that's messed up that that to use right now okay like we got you God's got
you. I don't want to ban him. I mean I enjoy his company and I mean I see who he is
within my church everybody knows him and like they don't know me but they
know him.
And he's so friendly with everybody and he's just, yeah, now you get to see what, you know,
what conflict can look like in relationship and you're going to navigate, what does it
look like for him?
How does he show up?
But you're going to get to sit here and see, how are you showing up?
Is there anything that God's revealing to you that, you know, there's some healing that
needs to happen in you or some, you know, patterns or behaviors that are showing up
in you that God wants you to, to investigate and to kind of look at.
Okay.
And so I want you to not just be mindful of how he's showing up, but be checking in with
yourself and have some self-awareness.
And that's why coming in community and sharing with us the process and, Hey, I had the conversation.
This is what happened.
Oh.
And then, then if something else happens and you're sharing that with us here, and we're
going to be able to ask you some good questions and help you navigate this way better.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
That's why you have us.
Yeah.
We're like, we're your coaches because we're here to coach you through that.
Yeah.
So, and again, like when you're sharing it, you are helping so many other women in community
here.
And by the way, I met him because a single city, because the did led me to a singles
group.
Okay.
So I'm just saying, where are you located?
Phoenix.
Okay.
So there's big, big, huge singles groups everywhere.
Yeah.
Oh, for sure.
I was just here in December too.
So, and I, there's a, there's a woman that's in Phoenix.
I think she, she's in phase three.
She's married.
Okay.
She, she was in my, my community when I was in the program and she she's great.
She's absolutely wonderful.
I think she might, I don't know if she's in the single city and oversees any of that,
even though she's married.
But the single city, I don't think is big here.
It's the other groups that led from single city that I got involved with.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, yeah.
Connected here.
Get show up.
Okay.
We're here to navigate your relationship with you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you.
And, and, and help and help you.
You know, reveal what, what has gone, what does God want to show you in there?
Okay.
Like, that's what we got you, girl.
I don't want you to feel like you have to do this alone and you have to experience like,
girl, I can only imagine that, that I can only imagine, like, when did this happen?
A week ago, Tuesday.
So for a whole week, you've been sitting here, Oh girl.
Yeah.
And so late ladies don't sit here for a week waiting for a call to let us know you get
your butt sitting those apps and you let us know what's happening.
We got you.
We're going to cover you in prayer.
We're going to sit here and like give you encouragement.
We're going to, we're going to do what we're here to do, what we're here for.
Okay.
That's what you're, that's why you're here.
All right.
So I can only imagine for a whole week you've been sitting with this being like, what am
I supposed to do?
I mean, granted it was a huge conference.
And so basically I'm giving him a shadow of a mirror, the benefit of the doubt that, you
know, it was just like the girl didn't want him there.
And so she told him he's an unsafe person and I can't, you know, that's, he's got, I
mean, so I'm like, okay, it's a yellow flag cause he's not, he's not disclosed that to
you.
So if that's the alcohol problem to you, if that's really, you know, a thing, again, they're,
they're yellow flags.
He did tell me he was trying, he did, he did quit beer, he said, but then he drinks it.
So, okay.
So yeah, you definitely, these are, these are definitely yellow flags.
So if you want to, yeah, you definitely want to, these are things that you're going to
want to look at for sure.
And again, I don't want to sit here and we don't know enough yet.
So we want to help walk you through this.
Thank you.
So that's, that's important.
We want to, you know, be gentle with this for your sake and, and again, my yellow flag
for him as well is the fact that does he take ownership if he's not sharing with you about
some things that he's struggled with, you know, and owning it because you know, if it
did happen, like, yeah, I mean, but I mean, wasn't time yet to me or did we even need
to, it's just something in his past that needed to be, yeah, I mean, I, and I get that.
And hear me out here, I get that, but your spirit mate, your past and their past is not
going to matter.
It's going to be being able to be vulnerable and share about your past with someone and
still walking through life with them.
You know, I have a past.
My husband has a past, but we are open and honest with each other about that.
And we don't have to hide anything.
And it's important for my husband to sometimes know the seasons that I've walked through
because it's made me who I am.
And his seasons have made him who he is.
And actually, when he's shared that with me, I've actually gotten to see how he has taken
accountability for how he showed up in the past.
And he's accepted his choices, but he's also owned his choices and he's also moved on from
and he's forgiven himself and he's also know he is forgiven for those things.
And he's grown and become a better person because of that.
And so I've seen that he's teachable, that he has, you know, an openness.
He's got a growth mindset.
He's got really good qualities in him that shows me that he's going to show up.
And if he steps out of character or if he has a flaw in him that God needs to sort out
with him, he's mature and masculine enough to step into that.
And I can trust that, you know, because for a wife, like that's what I need.
You know, if I'm going to have a husband lead me, I also realize he's going to make mistakes.
I want to know how is he going to handle his mistakes.
He's going to come to me when those are mistakes.
You know, I don't want to all of a sudden get a knock on my door and someone is telling me,
we're repossessing your car and you're sorry.
We're foreclosing on your house because you didn't pay the mortgage for a year.
Like, because my husband wasn't honest with me.
No, we're not doing that.
Like, there's levels.
So I hear what you're saying, okay?
Like, yeah, two and a half months is still fresh, but you're now an exclusive relationship.
Like, there's certain things that you're going to want to learn about him.
And is he going to show up and be vulnerable?
Are you able to feel vulnerable?
Are you able to trust that he's going to come and share with you some uncomfortable things?
Can you share uncomfortable things with him and how does he show up for you?
Yeah, yeah.
Those are all good things that that's what you're wanting to learn that.
Okay.
Okay, so we got you.
Thank you.
You just keep us posted, okay?
Okay.
All right, ladies.
I know there's a lot of comments in the chat.
I'm going to quickly go through and see if I can't copy and paste and then go read through
them later.
And then if I see anything, I can always address them in the app for y'all.
And then if you had a question and I didn't get to it, post it.
Myself and Ebony can definitely follow up with that.
Again, thank you all for your patience with, you know, the glitches in the app and Luani.
I know she's never came back, but I'm going to go check on her stuff tonight as well.
And ladies, y'all, I apologize the time, like this is where I'm going to need to own it.
This is on me for not setting a boundary and ending it, but I chose to do that.
And I'm thankful at the same time because I think God is doing some pretty great things
here.
So thank you for staying and understand that we're not always able to do sessions this
long.
Okay.
We can't expect this every single time.
All right.
But you all are a blessing.
I appreciate you.
And we will see you all next week.
And all right, ladies, love you.