All right, we've got five of you ladies on, I'm sure there will be more.
It is March 17th, it's St. Patrick's Day, I'm not wearing green, so I'm not going to
go out, so don't get pinched.
My kids are on spring break, so it has been a bit of a crazy weekend, but they're out
of the house.
My oldest is working and my husband is back in the office working, so I get the house
to myself and I can dive in to y'all's post and really focus on connecting with you all
and getting to what y'all are sharing in the app, so I will be doing that this week.
I did see, I think I've caught up on all those posts, and I know several of you saw me kind
of just, hey, post if I haven't reached out to you, and I saw a lot of people posting
in there, so I'll be following up with that as well, and so, yeah, so that will be good,
I think we're getting things moving with that.
I also noticed a lot of ladies are tagging myself in Ebony, I do get those notifications,
so that is really helpful, so just keep tagging us for right now until we get those updates
and those admin settings back to what they were used to, and then with that being said,
I definitely want to encourage you ladies, this little bit of our housekeeping, be consistent
with posting.
I know when we come into these group calls, I was not here last week, I did the evening
call, me and Ebony swapped, and I forgot we had done that, but it really does help
myself and Ebony when you ladies are posting more consistently, because I was jumping on
the evening call, and I'm not typically on the evening call, and so I'm not caught up
with what is happening, but when you ladies are posting in the app, both myself and Ebony,
we can dive right in on either call and kind of have an idea of what you're going through,
what you're experiencing, so that's really helpful for us, so I just want to encourage
you ladies to stay consistent with posting there, not just for us coaches, but also for
the ladies here in community, because growth will happen for all of you through each other,
like I was in this program, for those of you that don't know me, I am a success story,
I came in in 2020, I was here for a couple of years before I met my husband, and I went
through the whole dating thing, and I went through the heart work, I went through the
highs and the lows of where I didn't feel like dates were coming, and then where it
was like the triggers were happening in the dating, and I could never get past one date
with somebody, like all of that stuff, and being able to share that in community and
also other people sharing what they were experiencing helped me grow as well, and so there's a lot
of fruit there when we can show up in community and tell everyone what we are going through
and being vulnerable there, that's part of the preparation, and so that is important,
so just keep that in mind, and also just again, it helps move these group coaching
calls along a little faster, because we're not having to get all of the details, we can
really get to the point and get direct coaching for you, it's just really, really helpful,
because we do want to get to as many questions as we can, but time doesn't always allow that,
so that will be helpful, but if you do find that you do need a little more time with a
coach, more one-on-one, that you don't want to do it in a group setting, because there's
a lot to unpack, we do offer one-on-one coaching, that's 50 minutes, it is an additional fee
though, so I don't know what everyone's financial situations are, some people are able to do
it, some people are like, finances are tight, I get it, you know, gas prices are skyrocketing,
I mean, I got a family of three kids and they just are eating me out of house and home,
so you know, it's available, but I also want you to know, like, you have coaching here,
the group coaching, we can use it, it just can't be as extensive, and that's when the
app comes in really handy, because that's where we can
be touching base with you more frequently and be working with you little by little
and giving you the coaching that you need. It's just not going to be an all one like 50 minute
session. It'll just be little bits and pieces through the app. So that is another reason why
that's important. If you've been here for like three to four months here in phase two, I want
you to start praying about shifting over to phase three. Okay. That's if you've completed all the
five weeks of the videos. So you're watching one video a week. You've been to some lives here.
You're dating. Okay. You don't have to have completed your seven dates. Okay. No, that's
typically a, like people get confused. Like I, I didn't do the seven day challenge. I'm not,
not through that. So I can't move to phase three. That's not true. You can have one date,
two dates, and you can still move to phase three. Some people even get confused and think,
well, I have to be in an exclusive relationship to get to phase three. And that's not,
that's not true either. And I know that's where the confusion is, is like, we have phase one
heartwork. Phase two is Lester accelerator. Phase three is the VIP community, like the,
the all community, if you will. And then we have levels of dating, dating one level one is like,
you're just like, you haven't even met somebody yet. It's just like, maybe it's somebody in a
church community, an online community somebody that you work with, or, you know, a friend of
a friend, like that's level one level two is the get to know you like you're in person. Like you've
gone on an in-person date or a video date. Level three is the exclusive. So that's where people get
confused with level three and phase three. They think I have to be in a level three exclusive
relationship to be in phase three of last year, single. No, that's incorrect. Okay.
So hopefully that eliminates all the confusion. Okay. Um, in order to go to phase three and last
year, single, you just have to have been in phase two or a minimum of five weeks have watched the
video content and have come to some live calls. Now, some ladies choose to stay here a little longer
and I, I don't encourage the rushing because I want you ladies to really get
some time here where you can get your feet wet with dating and get some coaching from myself
and Ebony and feel confident that you've, you've, you've got some hard work under your belt. You've
got some experience with dating, you've got some guardrails, you've recognized where your triggers
are, and then that's when you can hit into phase three. So that's, that's what my suggestion would
be. Um, so yeah, Gail, you like, you're an example, like your example, like she, you've been in here
for a minute and she's got some dating under her belt and so she's, she's about ready to shift over
to that phase three. Now I know you've got a situation and I don't know if you've got to unpack
that with Ebony or not. Um, I try to, to, to reach out to you and I don't know if you saw my message
or not. So, and then I try to come on, um, at the one o'clock and I think you had already gone.
So, um, I don't know what you like, so I do want to chat with you a little bit, um, and see where
you're at with that. Um, so yeah, but you're going to be in that, you're, you'll be shifting into
that phase three. I think you'll, you'll be ready for that, but I do want to give you some support
with where you're at with your decision. Okay. Sounds like you got some stuff. So, um, we're
here to help you process through that. And just because ladies, you aren't in phase two and when
you go to phase three, it doesn't mean that you're not going to have support there either.
There's coaches there to support you and to walk you through processes as well. Okay. And,
and to navigate you through any dating situations that you, you might experience. Okay. Um,
what are some markers to let you know that you're ready for phase three? Um, I think it's just,
you know, it's you just knowing like, okay, I I'm confident. I, I've, I've learned this material. I've,
I've been to the live sessions. I've been participating. I'm engaged in this community.
I'm, you know, seeking the Lord with this stuff. Like you're just engaged, like you're engaged
with it. You're coming to lives. You've watched the content. You have some awareness of that.
And I would say you've had like, at least have one or two dates under your belt.
Like I would say that that would prompt you like you're ready to go now like I
said some women just feel like they want a little more support and that's okay if
that's you just let us know and we're here to help you this is not we're not
just here to help you through the dating process we're just here to help you in
general like with heartwork stuff too this is a journey this is not just
about getting the husband okay we're actually going to kind of dive into that
a little bit with the divine feminine teaching today okay so I'm going to go
through a little bit more of these questions before we move on no worries
about making lunch girl you're good
why move to phase three what is offering okay so that's a good question so phase
three there is going to be some more coaching there there's going to be some
accelerated heartwork coaching that's there we have all community events so
there's men in the community there you're going to get there's ask Jackie's
so you'll get you'll get to be in front of Jackie a little more there's there's
all sorts of things there's extra horses if you will so it's just kind of a
cyclic like here in phase two we kind of rotate the same thing it's all about
dating dating dating like phase three you're gonna get a little bit of
everything okay we even at times we'll do like one of my favorite things was we
did love stories and so and my husband and I have done this before where we
come on and we've shared our story and so we'll have people from the community
that walked through where you're at who have success and they get to share like
their love story how it worked for them what what they got to what God did in
their life like how did God write their love story what were some things that
they had to grow in what did God do for them like their walk their experience
like it's and so you get a little more of that like I love what we do here in
phase two like I love it when you all are here and I I always like to stay
like on top of what like your dates and stuff and so I do get sad when you know
y'all leave but I still get eyes on you but we we do kind of just it's it's
repetitive like we're gonna just continue to coach through dating and at
some point I want you ladies to feel confident and know that there's support
there in phase three too but you're gonna get extra things there too that
you're not maybe gonna get here not that what we don't do here is valuable but I
want you to not miss out on some really great things in phase three as well okay
yes and so the times and days that they meet will be different I do believe
phase three I do know that they have Tuesday nights and I think sometimes
Thursdays as well so that will be like Monday I know is phase one stuff so I
jumped in there before on phase one we do one at one o'clock Eastern eight
o'clock Eastern for phase one and then face to our lives are one o'clock
Eastern and eight o'clock Eastern for Tuesdays and then I believe phase three
is typically Tuesday evenings and then Thursday evenings so that's that's that
hopefully that is helpful for you all and yeah you're you're not necessarily
about to like kind of go back but you should still have the content available
from my understanding like you shall still have access to some of the content
from phase one in phase two like you'll still have access to be like watching
the content videos okay and like here in phase two like I will still pull things
from phase one so we can still utilize stuff that you all have gotten in phase
one we can still pull from that as well and then when you're in phase three the
coaches have the access to the material from phase one and phase two so it's all
there okay so we have ways of getting that to you it like and there's ways of
you in your app of being able to get that okay and if you have trouble getting
that content you could
probably email admin and say hey I need to get the revealing for healing cycle
from phase one can I get that document I I don't know how to get to it it should
be available to you in your app but if you can't find it and you've spent some
time searching for it then reach out to admin
oh you're clicking on the wrong zoom link yes the in the in the events and
and ladies that actually reminds me make sure that you're checking the events tab
because there will be times that the meeting ID and the password will change
okay so that like we do filter that sometimes because you know the these
calls are for paying members and so we just like we want you all to get what
you pay for and so it's not fair if you're paying for a membership and then
someone from last year stopped paying and they're still coming to calls like
that's just like it's not honest right so we do have to kind of rotate that as
well so keep that in mind
awesome awesome awesome okay let me see here okay so let me go ahead and let's
get your notes out get your little writing pads okay I'm gonna try to get
through this teaching I have real I'm really working hard on making my teaching
super short brief and powerful so that we can get to y'all's questions because
that is very very important to me so I'm gonna say a lot of information I want
you to be writing down anything that like hits you I'm gonna ask questions I
want you to really like sit with it okay so today is we're gonna do the divine
feminine teaching okay so we do have that divine feminine video many of you
might have already watched it many of you might have watched it a couple times
I am one of those people I like to watch it more than once and like to go back to
it if you haven't watched it no worries okay it's there they're free to watch
okay so one thing about this community is that like we're not here to focus on
forcing relationships and that's like like and that's why we have y'all
do heart work okay because that's the key foundation like when you do your
heart work you're gonna just show up in dating differently okay and just because
we've done heart work once doesn't mean that we don't continue to work on heart
work okay so I just want you to have confidence that you know when you're
doing your heart work and your your foundation is heart work like you're
going to just show up differently and so I want you to really get a hold of
is that love doesn't come from striving it comes from alignment
okay
so after women do the heart work they're gonna start dating differently because
you'll often hear Jackie say what you be what you believe you become and what you
become you attract
your behavior follows your identity and then that behavior is going to show up
with outcomes okay so that's why that heart work stuff matters so when your
beliefs start shifting your identity is going to shift and when your identity
starts shifting your be your behavior shifts and then your dating outcomes
are going to start shifting to all right
so you don't create lasting change by trying harder you create change by
becoming different by learning different by applying wisdom so I know
for myself before heart work and when I was in my 20s and dating and all that
stuff I would always ask myself this question and many of you might be able
to relate to this you'd ask yourself well what should I do to get love like
Jackie Carla Bethany and tell me what I have to do to get love like if that's
you it you can admit it like that was me does anybody feel like yeah like I just
want to be told what to do so that what do I have to do in order to get a
husband like if you've had that thought go ahead and just raise your hand what
do I have to do get a husband what do I have to do differently
show me what I need to do right give me give me the step show me what it is like
you know come with me on my date Carla and tell me what I need to say what I
need to do and how I need to act right like like have you ever seen those those
like shows where they have someone like you've got a microphone like somebody in
your ear and they're telling you what to say like how like y'all like wouldn't
that be so awesome like we could just be we could just literally like be on your
date with you and when your date says something we could like tell you what to
say like yeah like hitch it's funny it's funny you say that because when my
husband tells people like yeah my wife is a dating coach you know for you know
for last year single and and you know for this you know woman Jackie Dorman if
you've ever heard before and they're like you mean she's like hitch like it's
not really like that but you know it's it's funny that you say that my husband
says everyone thinks that you're hitch Carla everyone thinks that you and
Jackie and all the coaches that you know Ebony and all them y'all are hitch but
yeah like that that would be ideal like if we could sit there and like literally
tell you what you need to do but it's it isn't that instead it's not asking what
do I need to do to get love it's
who am I becoming through this process so that I can be in alignment and my
dating will naturally reflect that
it's allowing dating to be the process of you aligning with who you are and
then that will then put you in alignment with who God has for you
it's about identity about stepping into that it's about that confidence okay so
as you do that heart work again like I always tell you ladies like just because
you're not in phase one anymore doesn't mean that you stop doing hard work like
I want you ladies like when you find yourself in some of these situations be
be open to hearing from the Lord of what areas of your heart is he still want to
be working on okay so as you do that heart work you're going to become more
regulated you're going to become more self-aware you're going to become more
secure more open and then from that identity you're going to date
differently and you're not going to be dating from fear you're not going to be
dating from pressure but it's going to be from out of alignment out of
alignment of who you are and who you are in Christ
okay now one thing that I see here that I really want us to kind of unpacking
that we're going to kind of uncover today because these are there's two
common things that I will frequently see here that become blocks when ladies come
from phase one into phase two and they start dating there's two there's two
blocks two patterns and this is what it can look like the first pattern is
there's this over giving and over controlling and so this is what this can
look like it can look like trying to secure an outcome you might be over
texting over initiating you're given too much too soon
I'll slow down a little bit because I know you ladies are writing so you're
trying to secure an outcome you're over over texting over initiating like you're
trying to move it along you're giving too much too soon you're ignoring
intuition because you want to avoid losing someone
some of you will get that intuition of like this doesn't feel right this doesn't
feel comfortable and like but you don't want to act on it because if you do and
it becomes a reality the reality is is this person isn't an alignment with you
which means that you're gonna have to let that person go
and that can get really scary. So you ignore that because it's fear and then
you're managing the connection. You are managing it instead of just allowing it
to happen. So this is some gentle truth ladies. Every time you override yourself
to keep someone, you're delaying your alignment.
Dating is not about keeping someone, it's about revealing the alignment.
Divine Feminine is about trusting the process over a pressure.
This is getting heavy ladies. I see a lot of like, oh, is there anybody that
relates to that one? Like, wow, like, yeah, I've got some fear there. Like, I want to
initiate. I don't want to lose somebody. I want to over text or I don't
like, I don't want to address the things that are kind of right
there. Y'all, that was me, especially with my son's biological father. Y'all, like, I
did not, like, I saw it. I just didn't want to see it because then it
was like, then I'd have to start it all over again. Then I'd have to go through
the whole, like, find someone that actually is attracted to me, that I'm
attracted to, that we have the same things in common, that, you know, this is
just comfortable. Like, I didn't want to go through that again. And so it was just
like, well, let me just hold on to this because they're showing me
attention, but there's some things here that are just non-alignment. Like, I know
the way they're showing up isn't healthy, but I can look past that. Like, I'll look
past that. It's not really that big of a deal because I'd rather have somebody
than nobody at all. Y'all, it never ends well. You just create bigger wounds and
hurts and stuff like that, okay? So that's a common, like, that's a really common
block that I will see when we step out of heartwork and into dating. Like, we
still want to kind of hold on to that. Another one, so again, like, I want you
ladies to be really spending time and asking yourself, which one do I
operate in? And you might operate in just one. You might operate in both. Like,
it can be either or, or it can be both. I oftentimes operated in one more
than the other, but that didn't mean that I didn't operate in the other, okay?
So, so at times I could operate in both. So, this other one that I don't, like, it
sometimes goes overlooked, is being barred and overprotected.
This one sometimes does not frequently get addressed. So, sometimes this block
isn't your insecurity, it's sometimes protection.
And what that can look like is very rigid boundaries that prevent intimacy.
And what women will do here is then they shape it up, but not Carla, I just have
boundaries. These are just boundaries. And we do teach boundaries and boundaries
are important, but what I want you ladies to really be
focusing on, am I using these boundaries to protect myself because I'm fearful?
So, again, very rigid boundaries because it's going to prevent any sort of
intimacy. It might show up like you're quickly shutting down when vulnerability
appears. You might have to get a little vulnerable and that's uncomfortable and
so you're going to want to shut that down. You're going to stay emotionally
self-contained. You're not going to allow your emotions to get involved. Yeah, we
don't typically see this a lot from women. That's why I say
sometimes it can go unnoticed so this is going to be for a lot of times like my
avoidance my ladies that like to avoid some of my women that have been really
wounded by men okay this is when I can some I operate in both okay I I can be
very emotional so I can get very insecure but then because of some of my
wounds vulnerability can scare me intimacy can scare me and so I can be
like what this is I just need boundary I just need boundary and y'all I can fluff
it up like nobody's business like and make it look like it's healthy all right
so that's when I have to just God check me in okay this is what we'll do y'all
I like some of you very prophetic ladies okay this is me okay I'm speaking to me
so I know I'm gonna speak to some of you as well many of you will call it
discernment but really it's just you avoiding openness
and I might hit a trigger with some of you I know when I got called out with
that I was like don't tell me that my gift of discernment is me being closed
off mm-hmm no like I know I do I do have and I'm not saying you don't have gift
of discernment it's really it's it's it's checking our gift of discernment
and really taking it the Lord I mean like Lord is this this me discerning
something or is this me not wanting to be open to something because I'm afraid
and allowing God's wisdom to help me navigate that
protection can feel very very very powerful but it can also block
connection and that's why here at last year single we're gonna coach you ladies
and we're gonna remind you you are God protected and God defended that doesn't
mean that you don't you don't follow intuition and wisdom and and discernment
it just means we're gonna sit with and not try to put blocks up and just allow
the Lord to lead this as well we're gonna be cautious but we're not gonna
block it and so there's so those are things again and it's not like and I
know I might be saying this to some of you ladies you're gonna be like well
that's just like there's gonna be some rigidness I get it like y'all that was
me and again I wanted to cover in discernment okay and it's not gonna be
something that's an easy like fix okay that's a lot of what how we get through
that here in community it will it will be you ladies opening up especially you
ladies that do struggle with wanting to block things off it will require you
ladies coming here in our community and being open to receive the coaching to
share certain things to sit with it and there might be some resistance there
might be some irritation with what you're coached y'all there were times
that like I didn't always like what Jackie coached me I kind of like what
she had to say and even now like there's times like even like I'll go to Bethany
and sometimes Bethany will have to be like Carla this is some of your
controlling like stuff coming out this is that like counterfeit and y'all I
don't like hearing that because I don't like that like I can operate in this
controlling like it's not something that I like that I do we don't like to be
called out of it but I don't know about you all but I'm
thankful for my close friends and mentors and coaches that are willing to
tell me the hard things they're just there to lovingly push me in the
direction of like what really God wants wants me to grow in like whatever we
coach you it's always gonna come out of love and a lot of times it's coming from
a place of we've been there I mean I y'all like I would give you like if you
wouldn't be like okay I'm gonna need all the details on Carla like I would I
would literally be like Bethany Jackie you are like I give you my full
permission to disclose to anybody that comes to you you can disclose it all to
them like you know so if it makes you feel like you know Carla doesn't
understand me like no she probably does you know like I probably have been there
and I probably at times was probably one of the most difficult students
So I get it. Okay, so those are the two patterns I want you to be mindful of.
So the core reframe here is the Divine Feminine is not enclosed. She's
discerning and she's open. There's a difference between this isn't aligned
for me and I'm not available to be seen.
Okay, we're closed off and we're guarded. We're not coming out of hiding. There
are going to be times in dating you're gonna have to open yourself up to some
some risks, some of vulnerability. Okay, I'm not sitting there like you're gonna
sit there and tell them all your personal information. We're not
saying disclose it all. Obviously this is when we're using wisdom and
discernment, but some of you ladies want to guard yourself because you've been
hurt and then that's just a hard work thing and then we're here to help you
work through that. Ladies, I still show up in my marriage with some hard work
stuff, some things that I can be on guard with. I don't want
you to think, well I'm not gonna find a husband until I like learn to just not
be vulnerable. That's not the case. It's a journey. It's a process. Okay, and
we are safe for you. We're your landing strip here.
Okay, for some women the risk is over giving and it's never fully
letting someone in. Like that that it that will be the risk. That's scary, but
ladies if you want to be married and you want love, it requires openness. It does.
Like marriage is like the closest bond that you will have on earth.
Like it is your relationship with with God is the most intimate. The next
closest relationship that you experience here on earth is marriage.
It will stretch you. It will grow you. It will, I mean, y'all the emotions will go.
Okay, you got two people becoming one. That's not always easy, but it's worth
it.
So these are some things that I want you ladies to be writing down. These are
some reflection questions and we can unpack those here later if we have some
time. I'm gonna make sure I got all my notes here. Am I truly discerning or am I
protecting myself from vulnerability?
The divine feminine stays open enough to receive and grounded enough to walk away.
I'm sorry, can you slow down and repeat each question? Thank you. It would be
great if you had a PowerPoint or a word or something. I know, I know, you've been
asking about that. Maybe next time. Yeah, I know. We're still kind of in the
works of figuring out like what that can look like because we try to switch it up
because we don't want this to always be repetitive. But myself and Ebony and
Bethany are kind of coming together to see what we what we can do. So that you
ladies have that. But I agree because I'm a visual person. I need something in
front of me. So that's how I operate that way. So I feel you. So am I truly
discerning or am I protecting myself from vulnerability? I mean then if
anybody is able to multitask, if they want to type it in the chat so that it's
in the chat for someone to go and recover, that might be helpful.
Okay. I'm also sitting here looking through the chat as well. So she kind of,
yeah, okay. I saw your message from 1222. This end up staying stuck and what else
you need to do. So hopefully this material, I think you're still on with me.
Hopefully this material is helping you. Is it? Okay, good, good. Okay, but then I'm
going to want to update from you. I want to know what what God's
highlighting.
you and what what he's speaking to you after after we get get through this okay
the divine sentiment I cannot ever say that word divine feminine stays open
enough to receive and grounded enough to walk away this is embodied alignment oh
for some reason I thought I had more questions than that I guess I don't um
all right I'm gonna move through this fairly quickly so that we have more time
for questions okay um proper preparation versus participation so this is for
women who are not currently dating this season is preparation you are building
your identity your standards your emotional capacity and alignment and for
those women that are dating this is participation your triggers are going
to reveal patterns your reactions reveal growth area edges and your the work will
become real okay so for some of you ladies that are like I still I'm not
getting dates or I'm not ready to date yet like you're you're not behind you're
just preparing okay we're all on different different journeys okay you
are preparing so if you are not yet dating I want you to be asking yourself
like what's holding me back
what am I like is there something that's holding me back from dating is there a
fear is there a belief that is keeping me from staying open am I blocking
things am I not wanting to be vulnerable or am I just overthinking it and wanting
the outcome to be a certain way are we forcing an outcome are we getting on the
app and like you know trying and like guys are just not giving us the time of
day because we're sitting here trying to operate and control it
so I want you I'd like this is for both like if I don't want you thinking like
oh I'm not dating or like this is for everybody um so reflection where am I
striving instead of trusting let me see if I can type these in here Cynthia for
you where am I striving instead of trusting
where am I abandoning myself
instead of being chosen
and ladies some of these some of these reflection questions may bring up some
emotions or some memories and if that's the case write them down spend time in
prayer with these these could be things that God is revealing and wanting to
heal where am I where am I closing instead of staying open
and where am I can where am I trying to control the timeline that's a big one
I always want to rush that like how does he feel about me does he like me does he
want to date me like why doesn't he ask me to be his girlfriend yet and then
it's like then you get an exclusive relationship like is he gonna ask me to
marry him like can we move this along like but keep in mind the divine
feminine doesn't rush she doesn't chase she doesn't abandon herself and she
doesn't close her heart
all right ladies I feel like I've let me see if I can find my last little sheet
here can you repeat that last one again please yes she she doesn't close her
heart she doesn't abandon herself and she doesn't close her heart I mean all
for doesn't rush
She doesn't chase.
Yep.
She doesn't abandon herself, and she doesn't close her heart.
OK?
Did you get that?
Can you explain how she could abandon herself, please?
Yeah.
So I'm going to make this personal.
Ways that I've abandoned myself.
You know, I'll just frame it in my relationship
before I met my husband, before I joined HeartWork,
with my son's father.
I knew something wasn't aligned.
I wanted to believe that this guy was a family man,
that he had good intentions and a good heart.
And there were certain things that I needed.
I needed to feel chosen.
I needed him to show up, you know?
And ladies, I'll just be real and transparent with you.
Obviously, I was never married to him.
I quickly got into physical intimacy with him
and got pregnant very, very quickly,
before I really knew him.
Everything was great in the beginning.
Like, the infatuation, like, oh, this guy is perfect.
This is everything that I've wanted.
Like, oh, you know?
He said what I wanted him to say.
He loved the Lord.
And you know, he went to church, and he
talked about us going to church.
And he had a son.
And you know, he just seemed like the great dad.
And he shared all the things that he wanted in his life.
And I'm like, that's so wonderful.
Like, this is a man that I've always wanted.
And then, y'all, I gave in.
I was like, oh, this is perfect.
This is exactly what God wants for me, you know?
I made it happen.
Like, OK, so now I got to do, right?
I get pregnant, and it shifted.
I got, I had horrible morning sickness, horrible.
We lived 45 minutes away from each other.
I was a schoolteacher, so I was having
to wake up early in the mornings.
And I would request that on some evenings,
like, he come up to visit me so I wouldn't
have to drive the 45 minutes.
Or again, ladies, wouldn't, like, don't follow my lead
here.
I would spend the night and wake up the morning, go to work,
and I'd have to drive like 45 minutes to an hour.
And you know, I was pregnant and sick.
But I'd be like, why don't you come up here
and you do the driving?
Y'all, he wouldn't do that.
There's always an excuse for that.
And I, like, put my things aside.
I abandoned myself.
And what was, I abandoned who God said I was
and who I was to be cherished.
Now, that didn't mean that, and it's not, ladies,
and I don't want you to interpret this as a posture
and going into, like, you have these expectations
and you're owed something.
Like, you know, what's the word I'm looking for?
We've talked about this before, and it's on the tip of my tongue.
Entitlement.
It's not coming from a place of entitlement.
You, I deserve this, and you need to do this for me.
No, it's literally just a man truly wanting
to protect and provide.
You know, there's times where, like,
my husband shows up like that.
And there will be times like, babe, honey,
I appreciate you wanting to do that for me.
But, like, no, this is, you don't have to do,
like, there'll be a, like, I'll be like, babe,
that's not necessary.
There's a giving there.
That's like, he's, but I'm not expect, like, I'm entitled.
Well, you didn't do that for me, so, you know,
you're a bad husband.
You're a bad boyfriend.
No.
Like, it's not from a place of entitlement.
I let myself go, I literally like became a shell of a person, didn't allow
myself to be seen and loved and cherished the way that God wanted his
daughter to be cherished and loved and seen. Like that's how I abandoned myself
because I didn't put up good boundaries because I didn't
think I was worthy enough. That's how I abandoned myself. So that was a really
good question, very very good question. So I'm gonna give you ladies like an
example that may be more practical that you all might have experienced before or
you've seen other women do. So like you feel like this need to text him so
someone doesn't lose interest. Like someone's like you're messaging
somebody or you've gone on a first date you feel like you need to text them. Like
oh why isn't he texting me? Oh maybe I need to reach out to him or I need to
explain myself to him or I you know I don't want him to lose interest so I
need to I need to be the one to to show interest here. Like I'm not saying that
you don't reciprocate that but there is a heightened awareness like I need to
text him so he doesn't lose interest. What that is is that's a fear of losing
connection and that old identity is telling you I need to secure this but an
aligned identity is going to tell you you don't it won't require chasing. Like
it's trusting that alignment doesn't disappear because you don't perform a
certain way. Ladies you will not perform for your husband. You will not have to
perform for him. If you think that you performing for your husband is going to
get you get him to love you more then that's that's not a healthy probably
healthy relationship.
If I thought I had to act a certain way in order for my husband to love me
that's a hard thing that I need to work on. Or if my husband says well you know
what you need to do this and if you don't do this then I you know my love is
not going to be there. Ladies that's not that's that's conditional love and
marriage is unconditional love. God's love for us is not conditional. We don't
perform for God to love us and if marriage is in the image of like if
that if marriage is the perfect image of God is of man and woman becoming one
then why why would marriage be conditional? Why would we need to
perform a certain way? So when you are showing up and dating you don't need to
perform a certain way. You don't have to act a certain way. You just need to be
your feminine self and be open to receiving. You don't have to chase after
anything. You just get to align with who you are and sit in that. And like I said
there there will be triggers that come up. There will be old patterns that might
want to surface but that's what we're here for in community. We get to walk
through those things and we get to like help uncover like okay well what's God
showing us here? What's God wanting me to see in this process? Like who does he
want you know what is he trying to show me here? How is he trying to help me grow
into who he's created me to be? This is that preparation. Dating is a preparation.
This is that this is what discovery dating really is. It's not just
discovering what you like about a person and what you want. It's
discovering who you are. How you want to show up in dating.
Does that help ladies? I hope that this divine feminine teaching especially with
dating. I hope this leaves you feeling confident and like you feel a little bit
more empowered to step into dating.
And if you don't we can talk about it. Like I'm gonna we're gonna open up for
questions. We got like 35-40 minutes here and I think someone posted I love this.
Thank you so much for your note-taking. She kind of you are awesome. I love it.
Love love love.
Susan, so you did the same thing?
Yes, girl.
Like I, you and I are not the only ones like we definitely, many women
probably relate to, to that, like you abandon yourself, like, you know, and,
and that's, and there's no shame in that ladies, but I want you to spend
time and like, ask yourself, like, okay.
Like, if I did this in the past, where's, where's that root?
Let's heal that.
And ladies, as you date in this season, like that's going to start
revealing these things to you.
So you can start peeling those layers off and you really get to step into that
fullness of who, who God has you to be.
All right.
I got three hands up, three questions.
Anybody else?
Anybody, anybody?
Okay.
Susan, I'm going to take you first.
Cause I feel like I've missed you a few times and I'm going to Susan, Gail and
Karen, and then anybody else throw those hands up, um, Catherine.
Okay.
You're going to go under, um, I think it's under react on the bottom toolbar.
And then there's going to be a tab that says, raise hand.
Got it.
Okay.
So you're going to go under, um, I think it's under react on the bottom toolbar.
And then there's going to be a tab that says, raise hand.
Got it.
All right.
And so then, okay, we got Susan, Gail, Karen, and Catherine and look at Susan.
She is out like enjoying life.
Look at her.
Oh my gosh.
Susan, where do you live?
Do you live in Florida?
I'm going to be so jealous.
I live in Arizona.
Okay.
For everyone, the view.
So don't mind me.
I'm in my like sports bra.
I just miss Palm trees.
And I'm like, I miss Florida.
I'm going to a hair appointment and my husband was in the car with me and we
passed these like beautiful homes like these, I mean, they're massive, um, here
in the Dallas area and this one house has like Palm trees in their backyard.
And I'm like, babe, I want Palm trees in my backyard.
It would just make me feel like I'm back in Florida.
All right.
What'd you have for us today?
Don't mind me.
I've got like teeth, whitening strips in and hopefully I don't talk about good.
Um, no, I just had a question.
Um, I went on a date, it was actually a while ago and I forgot to ask the
coaches, I was just like wondering like how you would have handled the situation
cause it was inappropriate.
Okay.
He was like a few minutes late, which is like, okay, fine.
But, um, then when we sat down to eat, like his phone would go off and then he
would stop and like start responding to his texts.
He's like, Oh, hold on.
I just like to respond and handle things right away.
And I'm like, no problem.
You know?
And then he took a call, like to me, that's rude.
Um, and then, then we were, you know, we talked and stuff like that.
And then I got up to go to the bathroom and then he, I think I came back and he
was just basically implying that he enjoyed watching me walk away.
Um, and I think I was just so caught off guard.
Like I just laughed.
I didn't know what to like, how to handle it.
And then hindsight is like, what would I have done?
Should I have just like caught up and laughed?
Like, what would you have done?
Okay.
First thing, um, the few minutes late, I would give grace there for
first date, give grace.
Okay.
That, that one, that's not a, that's not a flag.
Okay.
Ladies, it's a flag when it's consistent.
Okay.
And I know some of you're gonna be like, but Carla, I just want a guy, like I get
Okay.
This is when, okay.
You may not like people being late, but just because it's your preference
doesn't mean that it's somebody else's.
Okay.
This is where you just get curious and you get to communicate what's important to you.
So it could be a one-off.
He might show up late.
Okay.
You're going to look for patterns.
This is where we are being observant.
This is what the dating for discovery part is about.
So things like arriving late, that's not a nope, not going on a date with him again.
Nope.
Don't like him.
That's not a, Oh, that's a flag.
No, it's not a flag until it becomes consistent and you've approached it with
some grace and had some curiosity or have expressed like, Hey, you know, in the
future, can you let me know if you're going to be a little late?
I'm cool with you being late.
I just need a heads up, something like that.
Okay.
Then if there's no respect for that boundary again, like then that's, that's
a, okay, we're, we're going to be mindful of that.
Okay.
It's a, we're going to.
be observant okay so the few minutes late I wouldn't I wouldn't have been
alarmed with that I wouldn't that would have just been a I didn't like that okay
continue moving on the being on the phone kind of another thing I agree I do
not like people being on their phones when you're spending time y'all I even
have this with my husband when I'm having conversation with him cuz he's
working he's got agents he's got people and I'm like I'll stop my conversation
and I'll be like and he'll be like what and I'm like honey I'm okay pausing
cuz if you need to stop I'm not gonna continue talking because it doesn't make
it feel like what I'm saying is important to you and he's like babe I'm
listening I'm listening I'm like I know you're listening to me it doesn't feel
good for me and so I'm willing to adjust that I'll stop because I know he
might need to take that call I'm willing to compromise there okay so that's just
again first date now my husband was not doing that on a first date okay so again
that would be a just because it's my preference doesn't always mean it's
theirs again you don't know what I mean you might know what his job is I mean my
first thing in my top of my head is real estate agents are the people that
I would think if y'all are going on dates with the real estate agents I
would think those are people that are constantly on their phone make I mean
cuz that is you get an offer you got to move things quickly I'm not I don't know
if he was a real estate agent and I don't like I'm sure he probably wasn't
okay but those are things like you're gonna observe and if someone is on a
date like if I want a first date and someone picks up their phone and then
takes a call when there's an opportunity and they put it down on I would be like
hey I might I'm the type of person I can I don't mind being confrontational at
times in a gentle way I have no problem saying hey is there a reason that you're
having to be on your phone I'm gonna approach it with some curiosity I'm
gonna be curious about it you know because I don't know what if they're
like my my mud I just found out my mother's in the hospital well I'm gonna
have some compassion for that or if he's like oh I like I'm a real estate agent I
got this one like I'm gonna have some compassion for that but I have some
understanding I want to be curious I'm gonna ask a question okay now if the
response is oh like and it's kind of just like whatever I'll be like oh okay
well um you know a little a little bit about me is I really like when I'm
getting to know someone to be like in the here and now and I like to not have
the distractions of my phone would it be okay if you put that away while we're
getting to know one another and you get to see how he responds if there is a
genuine respect girl you got answers and you're gonna see the next the next date
does he acknowledge putting his phone away in the future does he register that
because if a man is interested in you he's going to listen for those things
and he's going to want to impress you okay now if he's kind of just like
shrugs it off or gets defensive girl that's your answer you can finish your
dinner so you get a night you can get fed okay all right you're still be
pleasant and you still enjoy yourself like so make conversation not gonna be
rude you just know yep that that's it that's a no when we say it's a yes until
it's no that right there that disrespect like he just didn't honor
that does it make him a bad person you don't have to sit there and have your
judgments about him and sit here and I get all angry about it you just be like
thanks Lord you really showed me that that's not something that seems like it
aligns with what God would want for me and I appreciate you showing me that and
I got some experience I got to utilize you know setting a boundary you know
you've got you got to practice some things and you take that and then if he
asked to go on another date you say you know I appreciate the offer I just don't
think that this is gonna end in a romantic match so I wish you the best of
luck but no I'm not interested in the second date but thank you that's how you
respond to that okay
Now, the comment that he made, do you see how at this point, if you would have probably
come in with some curious questions, you probably would have gotten some answer before he even
opened the door to this comment.
And at that point, you might have even stopped the comment because he would have been like,
whoa, this girl knows who she is.
She's confident in herself.
She values herself.
The guy would be ridiculously brain dead if he's going to make a comment like that to
a woman that is saying, hey, when I'm getting to know somebody, I like to avoid distractions.
Or hey, you don't have to be not getting a clue to realize, wow, this woman is a woman
who knows who she is.
And she's valuable.
She's a catch.
And any guy in their right mind is not going to make a inappropriate comment like, oh,
I really enjoyed watching you walk away.
Are you kidding?
No.
And if you did have those interactions with him when he came in late and when he got his
phone out and then he said that, girl, at that point, you just say, you know what?
This date is over and you get up and you walk away.
Or I would say, you know what?
This is the last time you're going to see me walk away.
So enjoy the view one last time.
And I'd get up y'all like that.
That's what I would say.
Like at that point, that's that's that's that's how I respond.
OK, like because that's just my personality because I don't I don't tolerate that stuff.
So at that point, like.
I feel like I've I've been very clear of what my boundaries are and what I how I want you
to show up on a date and and how I want to be treated on a date that when you make a
comment like that, there is really no other explanation.
But you know what?
This this is done.
This is your last look of the of the view.
Enjoy it.
And I'm going to tell it last because it happened in a way.
All right.
So that would be like my response.
Now, if you hadn't had that, like you could just be like again, it would be like, I'm
sorry that that comment is not appropriate or that didn't make me feel comfortable.
And I'm going to go.
I really don't like that.
That's not OK.
I don't like those kinds of things.
And I don't like for me, I don't even like it when men are joking like that, like that,
especially for a first date.
And some guys think that's flirty.
Yeah, I don't I don't like it.
You know, and if if you kind of like feel like, OK, it's just like he was nervous or
whatever, you know, you might be like like, ha ha, that's funny, but, you know.
That really makes me uncomfortable, like I don't really know you that well, like, can
we save those kind of like flirty pickup lines for when we spent some time knowing
each other a little more like again, like you get to decide what that looks like for
me. I would end the date.
Yeah, yeah. I should have been a red flag is like I didn't want to make too much of
it. But now in hindsight, like even before the date, he was like, yeah, I'm just
trying to get you to spend all your time with me.
And I'm like, you haven't even met me in person.
You're just basically going off my pictures.
Yeah. You know, but after the ladies do I do want to share like some of these men
really just don't know.
They don't have coaches.
They do this because it does work.
Over. Can you mute?
There you go. Thanks, babe. Like some men do this because it works.
Because for some women who haven't had hard work.
I mean, before I had hard work, that kind of stuff would make me feel like, oh,
flattered. Oh, look, I'm you know, I'm cute.
Like they like I would.
I mean, I'm going to be honest with you, ladies.
Like, yeah, that would have worked on me prior to hard work because I was not a very
confident like person about myself.
I didn't have a strong identity and who I was.
And so men do.
because it will work for women and there are women out there that will give it up
on the first date. They'll kiss on a first date. They'll have sex on a first date.
They'll flirt on the first date. They'll show up dressed like implying that
they'll do that on a first date and maybe they won't but they'll like
they'll give the guy something to look at. I mean and I'm not like it
happens and and that's why I you know I'm I don't excuse men's behavior. I
don't think men should behave like that but I also think us women are also
accountable to that as well. Like I'm teaching my daughter you don't dress and
act a certain way but men I'm teaching my boys you most
certainly do not talk to women a certain way and look at women a certain way. I
mean we both are accountable to those things. So yeah unfortunately yeah you
will ladies you you may potentially come into contact with some men that just
don't know better and they do it because it's worked for them in the past and so
you get to decide you know what I I'm not even gonna entertain this but you do
it with grace. You shut it down with grace. You shut it down with divine
feminine. You can still hold strong boundaries and be kind. Like being nice
and kind to me are two different things. I can be kind and firm. My
kindness is not just kindness towards you it's kindness towards myself as well
and I can do it in a soft graceful way as well that honors me and also is
respectful to you and makes you know that wasn't okay. Does that help? Yeah I
did thank you yeah I'm like oh I'm getting these guys I had another one on
I was texting and I sent him pictures of myself and he put like a drooling emoji
on all of them and then I said that we would do another call and he put like
the yummy face emoji and I'm like that's not the right emoji. That to me is
like never mind and then you block them. Yeah and then he's like ooh that body
deserves some serious attention and then like I was like what? Yeah yeah and I
don't like you know pay attention like you know when that initially happened
what were your thoughts and feelings? Yeah just like kind of shocked like I'm
always just like shocked and then I think just like and in I think I always
want to assume the best of people maybe he didn't mean it like that because it
was like he said other stuff and we had one call and he seemed like he was a
serious Christian and he'd done fasting and he's this and that and you just like
you you kind of make excuses or you're like this can't be what he meant I don't
know like oh well this is just how men are right like yeah I mean I just want
you to be checking yourself or you know in the past was that a pattern in the
past was that something that worked for you isn't the past was that something
that you know made you feel like mm-hmm someone was attracted to you yeah like
does that reassure you like does that I mean those are questions to be asking
yourself and to be sitting with you know and being like oh like that doesn't feel
good why does that not feel good did that ever feel good in the past like why
didn't like it's just time for reflection like you get to spend that
time with the Lord if you if you notice that that comes up frequently yeah
that's helpful yeah thank you absolutely all right Gail I want to know have you
made a decision I have made of a decision I just haven't okay
related I haven't relayed it um Ebeneez I think Ebeneez I came in in the
afternoon Ebeneez suggested I hit a 90-day mark with the gentleman that is
local I'm sorry I have a terrible cold that I would choose a date and tell
because both men were like acting like they've had enough of this me dating two
people for months you know and so she said hit the three three month or the 90
day date which is April 7th and tell both of them you'll make a decision by
then which I did I'm very honest I tell both of them I'm going please don't show
up at my house the local guy shows up at my house please don't show up at my
house I'm going on a date and so I'm very open with both of them I don't know
if that's wise or not wise but I don't want to lie you know stop by your house
I love that you're not wanting to lie that's good so um but the guy from Oneida
I've had a lot more dates with him both men are very
respectful, very, um, I guess the one red flag I have with United guy, which is a
distance guy, he's an hour and 15 minutes away. And he's been coming, coming to me
each time we've been seeing each other. Um, he's not a Christian. I decided, you
know, he's been, I know God, I believe in God. But as it is, we're now in to the
second month. Um, he doesn't have a relationship with God. And even though
he's really wonderful, I just I can't, I can't, you know, or two are unequally
yoked together, you know, and so that made the decision. He's the one that's
going. Yes. Okay. He is the local guy. Um, uh, I talked about his family. Yes,
his family is more open to me and receptive of, you know, um, you know,
like we were going to go someplace and his daughter bought tickets for us to
go him and I. So I'm feeling it that way. But this is the question I have. This
is the I don't know if it's yellow or red flag. Now he does not speak. I want
to say not swear, but he he doesn't swear, but he doesn't have filthy
language around me. But the big but is his family are f word every other every
every sentence f word f whenever we're around them. It's and it's it drives me
crazy. And he tries to tell them let's be civil. Let's be civil. There's a lady
here and they don't listen to him. Um, at all. And that's the only I mean,
that's not like we're gonna be living with his family or anything. But that's
the one I mean, he doesn't he doesn't do it. He doesn't have filthy language out
of his mouth. But his family, I've never heard so many f bombs, you know, they
can't even complete a sentence without saying it. And it bothers me. And he
keeps looking at me like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but they won't listen to him. So
I don't even know what to do in that situation. Okay, sounds good. Okay, a
couple things. So you've made a decision. Local guys is the one that
you're choosing. So I would let's get that done. Let's not wait till April
7. Okay, I think both men are will appreciate that. Okay. I think local guy
will appreciate that you didn't make them wait any longer. And then I think
the long distance guy will will appreciate the fact I mean, it might not
feel good. But I think in the long run, he he will get to sort that out on how
he receives it will be his own journey. And I think you know, do you have an
idea of like, how you will share it with him? No, he keeps making all these
elaborate plans. And I just I was here listening to your he was like, Okay,
Friday, all set. I'm going to help you move out. I have an apartment building.
I have to move my I'm move. I had furnished the apartment building. Now
I've got to move the part the furnishings out of the the one apartment
should I say? Yes, he's making all these plans. He's making all these I got boxes.
I got tape and you're just gonna you're just gonna have to rip a bandaid off
Gail, you're gonna rip the bandaid off. Okay. Um, you just say, Hey, I know
you're making all these plans. And I know I told you I was going to give you
until April 7, to make a decision. I don't want to make you or anybody have
to wait that long. I have really enjoyed my time with you. You've really made me
feel special and seen. And I appreciated and valued your intention to court me
and to get to know me. It has meant a lot to me. However, what is what? What is
very important to me where I don't know, we're actually not even say I don't
know. I know that will not allow me to continue this relationship is where
we're both at with our faith. And, you know, I, I, you know, yeah, and just
see it like that. That's important to me. I, I know that walking with someone
that has an intimate, deep relationship with the Lord, is what the Lord wants
for me and what, like, it's important to me because I value that that is number
one. And I know that you will, you've said you would honor that and respect
that. But it's not just about you honoring my relationship with the Lord.
It's about me also desire.
that my partner has a deep intimate relationship with the Lord as well. And
it's not fair to you for me to pressure you into that because your relationship
with the Lord should be yours, not based on my needs and wants. Okay? Yeah. And I
think the reason what I like with this if it's if you can go back in the
recording if you want to pull anything like from that you can you can use any
of the words if you want but I think I think even framing it like it's not fair
to you for me to ask you to build an intimate relationship with God because
that your relationship with God has nothing to do with me and if I ask that
of you then it's not it's not oh it's not a true valuable relationship with
the Lord and that's important and I want to respect that for you I also need to
respect that for me as well so you just gonna pull the band-aid off okay so now
real quick so we can move on to the other two ladies the language of the
family okay ladies when you get married and you marry into families there's
gonna be things you can't control I relate to you Gail because my husband's
dad's side of the family that lives south like near Austin they live in the
country they got language they they drink first okay but y'all like what's
different about them is they they have deep relationships with the Lord but
they have colorful language and you know my my brother and sister-in-laws they
may not have this strongest relationship with the Lord but my father-in-law and
his wife do I don't love it especially when my kids are around I don't always
love the drinking I don't like some of the conversations that they talk about I
don't like that my nieces and nephews hear about like some of their parents
escapades that they go on and do and my kids have come up to us and then like
you know because sometimes we'll have a couple drinks like my husband and I
don't drink anymore now but in the very beginning like we would go down there
when you have like you know a couple drinks and stuff my youngest would be
like mom I don't want you drinking it made my kid uncomfortable and I that's
when I finally I like my husband Isaac had to sit down conversation and like
you know what we're not doing this but we get to decide what what works for us
we don't have to participate in it but we can't force someone else to do what
we ask them to do and to align with it and so that's just one of the things
that when I go down there I just know I prepare myself you know what boundaries
do I want to set my husband I will have a conversation of like look this is what
this is gonna look like this is what I'm allowed I'm okay with the kids being
around this I want this time frame I don't want to be around this lot you
make you set a plan before you go over there and so you decide like hey honey I
know we're going to your families I know they're not willing to change their
language I get that I will respect that I don't enjoy it I appreciate that you
try to get them to not do that we can't control them would it be okay if we just
spend two hours there I will be able to tolerate it for two hours after two
hours I'm gonna have to ask that we go you guys come to an agreement and and a
boundary of what that will look like does that help yes very much so thank
you I was hoping it wasn't a red flag no no I mean you can't control what the
other family does like ladies like you you're gonna meet members that you
didn't even realize existed y'all like and then you'll meet family members and
they're gonna be all great and then you know down the road a family member is
gonna like show you their true colors and you're gonna be like oh I'm this is
you're married you can't divorce someone just because her mom shows up being
manipulative you know it manipulates your children yeah like that happened to
me just a couple months ago my mother-in-law was manipulating my oldest
son and got really nasty to him and I just looked at my husband I'm like I'm
not okay with this and he and I had a conversation of what that looked like
like moving forward.
And I love her and she, you know, I do,
I care about her deeply, but I said, moving forward,
I'm not comfortable with our kids being forced
to stay with your mom when we have to leave out of town.
We will find other people.
God will provide us other people.
Okay.
Because I don't want my oldest son to feel like
he's told he's not allowed to work
so that he has to do something for them.
And do hard labor for them.
Like, it just was, and that's what we do.
Like, you just have to have the conversations.
The relationship is between you and him
and you have to decide what works for the two of you.
And there has to be an agreement before.
Okay.
It's on the red flag.
Okay.
You're welcome.
All right, Karen, you're up next and then Catherine.
Okay, first thing, I wanted just to let you know,
I'd love to get a copy of the list you put up
about ways women abandon themselves.
And I tried to do a copy and paste, but it didn't work.
So just wanted to let you know if there's any way
to get that in the, you know, whatever.
Well, you put a post and say,
hey, can you share with me some ways?
And then I'll just say, and I'll kind of give you
just some of my own experiences of how that's happened to me
and just go off of that.
Does that work?
Whatever works, just letting you know,
I think it's a great list
and I've actually been doing a lot of it, so I'm yay,
but I always like to keep checking
and I do need to keep learning.
So I'd be like, hey, can you share with me more about,
you know, ways women might abandon themselves
in a relationship and how to show up in the divine feminine?
Sure.
Questions that I could be asking myself
and then I'll shoot you that list.
Sure, that sounds great.
And then ladies, y'all can be on the lookout for that too,
if you want a copy of that.
Sound good?
Sounds good.
Okay.
The main question I have,
or the only question really,
is I've been on Plenty of Fish
and I've been getting like a huge number of likes
since I started like February 5th.
And I only began checking those on February 19th,
two weeks later.
And it was just like a huge number.
And I finally got through all of the likes
to discerning what to do with them,
responded to a few men, you know,
just, you know, swiped off some others, all of that.
Okay.
But at this, it was tiring.
I'll be honest, it's like, oh my God,
you know, what's happening?
So anyway, my question is,
I'd like to do whatever else I can do
to screen more men out.
Okay.
I have been praying, I'm an intercessor,
I've been decreeing,
Lord, you open the doors that are meant to be,
that no one can close
and you close the doors that no one can open.
That's the keep David from scripture.
And I was thinking, I know I checked,
I think Ebony said, it was like,
at one point in another site,
it was okay to put in my profile
that I've been through a Job-like experience,
Job-like in the Bible.
Yeah.
But I'm thinking of adding that, you know,
I'm about 95% recovered,
cause that's the truth, you know.
I'm still dealing with a little bit.
So I don't know.
I don't know if that might help
or if there are any other ideas.
I mean, my intuition,
like the first thing that I think
is just allowing the men to be curious about that
and asking you those questions.
Now, but when you say like,
you wanting men to be screened.
Well, that's what a profile is.
Honestly, for me, a profile, yeah.
But you're not gonna be able to screen out who likes you.
Oh, right.
But they might screen themselves out.
But when you go, you get to screen out.
So they're not,
I don't want you to start putting up all of these walls
that you're trying to get people to not want to like you.
I'm doing it, honestly, and it's not working.
But it's working.
Well, it's not working
because God doesn't want you to do that.
No, no, honestly, I know somebody else who got married
and they put things in,
I'm just speaking about who I am.
Yeah.
They don't like it, then they, you know.
Then they can't, exactly.
You're just gonna-
That's all I mean.
Ladies, when you're filling out your profile,
you are just allowing, it's an invitation.
It's an invitation for someone
to just get to know you better.
What do you want them to know about you?
It's an invitation.
Now, we're not gonna give them all the deep, dark secrets.
Okay?
We're not gonna over share.
Okay?
We're gonna give them like the big parts of like
what you really want anybody knowing about you.
Like what would you want anybody walking on the street
that might stop and say hi to you?
What would you like them to know about you?
Like that's what you're sharing.
Now as far as screening men, you get to decide that.
So one thing that like I did is I would pull up the profile
and for me personally, if their religion did not say
Christian, gone.
I don't care how wonderfully written their profile was.
I don't care if they were like Mr. December on the calendar.
Like if you didn't say that you were a Christian,
I didn't even, I just swiped it.
You could have sent me this beautiful message
that was super thought and I'd be like eh,
you're not Christian, bye.
I wouldn't look at now.
Now I was open, I'm like Lord,
if I'm going to swipe and you don't want me to,
I trust that you're gonna tell me.
And I don't have to second guess it.
I don't have to be critical of myself.
I don't have to like question myself.
You're just gonna give me a Holy Spirit prompting
and I trusted that.
And so I also just surrendered that.
Like Lord, I trust that if I swipe on somebody
and I wasn't supposed to, you've got a way.
You've got all sorts of ways to be able to bring
that person right back into my presence.
Like I don't have to worry about messing this up.
So when you go through it, like you get to just,
I don't want you to sit there and overanalyze
do I swipe or do I not, okay?
I've got my criteria and I like that.
Yeah, so just go with that.
I mean, yeah, you're gonna pull things up,
but like again, like it could be like
they didn't put Christian on their thing.
Like you remove them, you know?
I even, another thing I would swipe through their photos,
ladies, if they had any shirtless selfie pictures.
No, they didn't make the cut.
If they had pictures, you know, in the gym
or in the bathroom, like they had the bathroom.
No, I'm not doing that.
Like I wanted like genuine pictures.
If they had pictures of them like partying,
like with a drink in their hand, no.
All right, I don't have anything against like drinking
and having like a few drinks with somebody,
but I was like, I'm a mom.
I'm in my late 30s.
I don't need to be doing that, you know?
Like, you know, do I like a nice glass of wine
every now and then?
Yeah, but I don't need to see you holding
this glass of wine in a picture.
Like I don't need to see that.
Now, if you're in Napa and you're at a winery,
okay, that's gonna intrigue me more
because it's, you like to travel places
and I wanna go to Napa.
I've actually been to Napa since, you know, I've dated,
but I'm like, those would be things I wanna see.
Do you have pictures of traveling?
Because those are things that I like, you know?
Do you have pictures being outdoors?
Like, those are things that I would look for, but yeah.
Shirtless selfies, gym selfies, bathroom selfies.
I don't care what you said.
You could sit there and say, I'm a Christian.
I love Jesus, and you could sit there
and quote the Bible in your profile
and you got a gym shirtless selfie.
Bye.
Like, you get to decide all of that.
But again, when you're doing your profile,
like, go in it with a,
what do I want just anyone to know about me?
What do I love about myself
that I want to invite people in to know who I am?
Like, what's important to me?
Yeah, and this is important.
So I think, and Ebony already said,
yeah, it's fine to put that in about having, you know,
I've been through a Job-like experience.
I think I might add the 95.
I might just add that just because I want to,
I honestly, I know somebody who's married.
It might, it might, it might elicit some curiosity
and it might be like something
that they want to have a conversation about.
And when you have that conversation, I would.
filter out all the details, but you get to share like the highlights, the surface level stuff,
where they get to know you a little better. Does that make sense?
Yeah, I'll think about the input. Thank you.
Awesome. All right, Catherine, you're last. You're up. And then I got to go.
How are you today, Catherine?
Hi. Yeah, I'm okay. But I wanted to talk about that last date. And yeah.
Yeah. So it was nice. But I don't know. So I asked about like, I tried to ask open questions,
like we talked about church. And then he said he didn't really go to church right now. And I said,
well, do you think that's maybe not that important to you? Or what do you think? And he was like,
no, I think it's important. But yeah, so but it's kind of hard to find a church when you're kind of
asleep in the morning. But there is a church that has afternoon services and stuff. Yeah.
But I've been also thinking that I don't want him to like go to church because of me.
And I also, you know, I have been dating him before. So this was like a first date.
But I told him about my dad that's been diagnosed with cancer and that stuff. And that it's kind of
a heavy subject. But I felt like I needed to tell him so that he could like,
know where I'm at right now. Yeah. Like doing a lot of reintroducing this relationship,
like there is a little bit of a past that way. If there's a little bit of a setback, it's like
it because you have something else going on in your life. Yeah, yeah. And so when I'm when I
told him about that, he was I mean, he said that it was sad, but he was really quick to move along
really quick to move along to like, he started talking about someone he knew that had been sick
before or something. And then I kind of didn't feel seen then because he kind of rushed along.
And I actually addressed it a little bit later on. And he just said that it was really hard for him
to talk about death and cancer and stuff. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know if it was good or not good
that I kind of addressed it because I kind of felt like I want you to behave this way. So I'm
gonna I mean, I think it's you're you're practicing, these are things that you're practicing,
you are, you're recognizing, like, I shared something, you quickly moved off of it. And
it made me feel this. And then you got to address something. And then now after he responded,
how did that make you feel? Did? Did the? Did you? Did that feeling of not being seen go away
when he explained? No, not right away. But then we got to talk a little bit more about it. And
then I felt seen because he he is a good listener. Okay. But what I noticed pretty quickly is that
he talks a lot. And I'm not used to guys talking that much. It's, it's more like,
like, I will ask him a question, and he will start talking about it. But he will like give
me every detail. So it kind of, yeah, that's not typical. It takes such a long time. And I'm like,
I feel like I feel like it's very stretching to me. I'm like, okay, like,
but it's hard to just be myself and just relax in a sense. And, and I remember this being an issue
the last time around. But, oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So a couple things here. Yeah. He talks a lot.
So that's, that's that. Yeah. If you're not used to men talking like that is not most men don't
talk a lot. Most of the time as women have more words. But I want to I want to go back to this.
When you shared about your when you shared about your dad, you, you went to feeling like you
weren't seen because you the response wasn't what you had hoped. I want to like to me that's showing
me like what that could be a heart revealing. Is there any other times in your past where
that is a pattern where you you open up and then it's not
it's not received and then you feel you almost feel like you opened yourself up
and you feel like exposed and then like it's uncomfortable like I just exposed
myself and now I didn't get seen I didn't get acknowledged and now I'm
hurt do you have other times in your past where that feels similar is that a
pattern like are there times when you want to share something with somebody
and you're hoping that there's a connection and that they're gonna they're
gonna see you and hear you and you don't receive that and it leaves you feeling
like not connected to them yes this this exact situation reminded me but it
wasn't really me but me and my ex we visited my dad and I think it was my ex
that told about that his sister had cancer and that that was hard for us and
then he he just started talking about something else and at that moment I felt
like that was rude but I've since when I think about it I know that he's really
bad talking about feelings and he probably just didn't know how to like
what to say but yeah that reminded me of that that's so when these types of
things happen this is when you know ladies when you're in and you're in
dating and you're getting to know people I these are the things that I want you
to recognize like I want you to be in tune with your emotions and your
feelings when you feel like you're not being seen or certain things aren't
getting reciprocated it is important to be recognizing how does this feel
similar because things that happened in your past and how it was felt in the
past it will show up in in current relationship if it's not healed and so
this could just be an indication for you know God wanting you to go go back if
there's some areas of forgiveness if there's a lie that you know got rooted
and what you were believing and God wants to come and replace it with truth
so I would encourage you to spend some time with the Lord this week on that
like reflect on that like reflect on what that feeling was like when I share
something and it's not reciprocated or it's I don't get the response that I'm
hoping it makes me feel like I'm not seen what do I believe about myself what
does that say about me and is it true and then you know go through that
process go through that revealing healing cycle because and that reason I
that's why I asked you after you addressed it and he expressed well you
know it's just really hard for me to talk about this hmm did you still feel
that way and you said kinda mmm so that's what's telling me there's that
that to me it's there it's below the surface okay like I like that you went
to him and interest it because you're it's the curiosity so if you're going in
with that curiosity and you're just like well I didn't feel good why did you do
that and then they come and like oh like I you know I was thrown off guard like
I'm sorry like that just is really uncomfortable I didn't know how because
some people don't know how to react with heavy things like that we don't know
where they're at we don't know what their experiences are with death and
cancer and some pretty emotional topics so it could be a discomfort for them and
that's why they're responding out of their own discomfort not because they
don't care to see you and they want to connect with you they are just
uncomfortable in their own place and so when we ask for that curiosity and if it
is a I just didn't know how to respond there would be a relief with that and
you would be able to move on but because it still resonates a little bit it tells
me that there's something it's there's something below the surface there yeah
so I want you to just can I stop saying what's that so when where we left it was
that he wanted to see me again and I said that I wanted to see him too then
there hasn't been any contact since then and I just feel like I've just noticed
in the days that has gone by that I think I need a lot more
that I know what's going to happen than I usually do probably because the grief that
is coming in and out.
Yeah.
So I think this divine feminine teaching that we've kind of gone over is this.
Are you feeling like you need to control an outcome?
Yeah.
And so sit and process that.
I think it's okay for you just to sit and allow the love to come to you.
You know, it's okay.
You let that be in his court, but you don't let that hold you back from getting out and
enjoying life.
Okay.
You've opened the door.
Yeah.
I'm just wondering if I should just, I just want to give up in a way.
Well, let's just keep the door open.
What would it look like if you kept the door open and just trust God to handle and do what
needs to happen?
What would that look like?
You don't have to do anything.
You don't have to lose hope.
You don't have to shut a door.
You don't have to make anything happen.
You get to just let it leave there and you get to sit and be like, Lord, what do you
want me to do today?
How can I enjoy this life that you gave me?
You know, what is something that you want to go out and enjoy?
Do you want to go meet some new people?
Do you want to go, you know, are, are you on the apps?
Are you getting to know other people?
Are you, you know, going to like meet up things?
Are you going, you know, to farmer's markets and getting to know stranger?
Like, what is it that you want to do to go enjoy life?
And you can leave that door open.
And you know what?
If he, if he doesn't contact you for weeks, but then a month later, he's like, Hey, sorry,
I had some stuff going on.
Would you like to go out again?
There's no, there's no awkwardness.
You just are like, Oh yeah, I'd love to go out.
And you get to, you get to choose to do that.
And you get to see what unfolds.
It's just hard because I don't really have peace now because of that.
Yeah.
Well, so let's, let's talk about that.
What, what, what feels unpeaceful?
What are you hearing?
What are you feeling?
What's the worry?
Just that I don't know what is happening.
So what would it feel like if you just didn't need to know what has happening?
Where's that come from?
Is there ever, does this feel familiar that you didn't know what was happening?
And when you didn't know something that was happening and you found out something, what
happened?
Hmm.
You didn't know what, like what was going to happen.
And then what happened?
Was it devastating?
There's probably a lot of times that has happened, but one of them is when my ex left me, but
I've already walked through that in heart work.
So, okay.
So we walk through that and heart work does not necessarily always mean that there's not
deeper layers of healing.
There can still be some residual stuff there.
So you might want to sit with it and be like, Lord, is there anything else that I'm holding
onto that you want to heal?
Or is there a deeper root there?
Is this from, maybe it's not from my ex, but maybe it's something from further in my past.
I've recognized in myself that there's times where there are things in my childhood that
caused something else in my teenage years that caused something else in dating relationships
that caused something else in my relationship with my son's dad.
I might've dealt with something way back in my teenage years, but that same feeling comes
up and I'm like, oh, this reminds me of something from my son's dad and I had to go work and
heal that.
And then something else might come up and I realized this comes from, for example, just
recently, I realized my sense of needing to have control over everything and feeling like
everything is my responsibility was literally based on my childhood as early as three and
four years old, that my childhood always felt chaotic.
And I always felt like it was always put on me to have to create the calm.
I was responsible for creating my own calm at three and four years old.
So whenever there's chaos, guess what I feel like I have to do?
I have to be in charge.
and that's in all my relate so when there's times just because we've gone
through heart work in a certain thing does it mean that there's not deeper
layers there could still be some residual stuff there so spend some time
this week I want you to process what comes up and then come in the app I want
you to share because I don't want you to wait a whole week you know give it a
couple days and then come and process share it with us and then we can help
you process through some more of that stuff that's not good yeah thank you
all right yeah and then going back to the whole you know it's hard to find a
church and hey she kind of are you are you able to unmute because I see you
chatting here and I want to read through your stuff here and I know I'm going a
little bit over but I want to I want we're gonna we're gonna chat through
what you're putting up and so but going back to that church like hard to
find a church I love that you like asked him like ask them a question like
and like is it important he said it's important great another question you can
ask him like so what are some other ways when you're not able to go to church
what are some other ways that you find time to connect with the Lord hmm and
see what he says do you have other outlets do you have other ways of
connecting in community he does go to a small group so like it's not that he's
saying that's not important it's just he does have a hard time finding it in
schedule yeah and be like oh have you ever thought about attending the church
that has the afternoon service have you ever looked at you know if there's a
Saturday night service I mean I know lots of churches do Saturday night
service I mean my church just literally moved from doing Sunday evenings now
we're doing Sunday mornings we were a church plant we were renting out a
church we had to do Sunday evenings but now we're at an elementary school so we
get to do Sunday mornings oh like just offer that suggestion and then you're
not forcing him you're just saying hey have you looked into this and then your
hands are off you're not forcing him to do anything yeah all right hey she kind
of hey okay I'm gonna I'm seeing you chat and the thing and I feel like I
want to I want to what's going on what's what's what's what we're chatting about
okay so are you talking about when I said I've had men tell me they haven't
found a church yet okay so you were talking about Facebook dating okay I
just saw you chatting a lot I'm like I don't want to ignore you because I feel
like the last time you were here and I'm like she had a lot of questions and then
I never got to address okay so you're saying most people on these apps call
themselves Christians because they believe there is a Christ but not
because they have relationships with him so yeah 100% that can happen that's
why we we have to just give grace there it's why we're gonna get curiosity but
you said if men haven't found a church but they spend hours for looking on one
so tell me more about that yeah because the church I go to now I was born and
raised in it right but I have but I've experienced moving way to the other side
of the country and moved from Virginia to California and I was there for five
years and every Sunday I would visit with a different ministry until I
planted myself somewhere where I felt comfortable so I know from experience
that if you're really serious about finding a church that you feel
comfortable with and that you feel like you're getting fed and I was actually
active not just a pew warmer you know I was on the pastoral support team you
know you know so I feel like hey if you got time to be on a date now I'm looking
for women today you have time to you know hey look at some churches in your
area and attend that's how I feel but like say you just moved to us to
somewhere if a guy if I'm out on a date and I'm like hey what church you go to
no like oh hey I just moved here two weeks ago haven't found the church yet
okay I get that but I've had one guy be like hey I've been here five years no
you're not looking no okay so let me ask you when that happens like how are you
approaching that like how what's your delivery with him so my response is
typically I'm so sorry you have not found a church yet in the five years
that you've been here I do know how it is looking for a church I've moved way
on the other side of a country I did take each Sunday and maybe some nights
through the week to visit different ministries until I found what I like and
I hope you find something that you like for me because I'm not just in church
I'm very active I can't be with someone that's not at least a member at least a
member where we're active like okay yeah I can't I can't be the one going to
church in your home watching a game on Sunday because it's up a fact that
you've
ever been a member of a church, and that wasn't your priority,
but everything else is.
You get up and go to work, you're getting on a date
and out looking for women, but you
mean to tell me you can't find somewhere to be planning?
Yes, yes.
So OK, yes, I totally see that.
OK, and I like that you're approaching it like, hey,
I can understand that.
These are some things I did.
And you are set in this like, if they're not going to church,
and at least they've expressed like, hey,
I just haven't found one yet, and they've
been there for several years.
You're like, OK, that's not going to work for me.
This is probably not going to resolve
in a romantic relationship.
We're getting to know you.
Right.
And you can shut that down, and that's good.
That's your criteria.
Now, if a man says, I'm not currently going to church
right now because God is doing a different work in me right now,
what would your approach of that be?
Oh, that is a good one.
I would love to meet somebody that says, hey, I'm not
in the church, but I am in a community
where we're doing outreach.
We're feeding the poor.
We're passing out Bibles.
It's not like I don't have a set community.
That happened to me.
God told me when I got in this community,
I was put in my church.
And this community, like last year's single,
kind of became my, I mean, I was going to all of our live calls.
I was doing the prayer calls.
I was doing that.
And he shifted me out of my church.
And there was a season I wasn't going to church on Sundays.
And so I'm asking that out of curiosity
because I want to make sure that you ladies aren't just shutting
men down just because they don't go to church.
But they may not be going to church
because this may not be the season that God has them in.
God may have them doing something else.
Doesn't mean that they're not ever going to attend.
It's just God has them in a transition.
And so that's what I'm going to sit here and ask those questions
because I want to make sure that that's where you ladies are
approaching it, OK?
So that's good.
I'm glad to hear that.
That gives me relief.
Thanks for digging deep, though.
Thanks for digging deep.
Yeah.
They definitely have to be a part of the community.
Can I challenge you?
Sure, I'm always up for a good challenge.
I want you to be paying attention of your heart
posture, though, of like, and girl, I say this out of love
because I can get this way, too.
And it can get very frustrating when, again,
these men, you have time to go searching for women
and spend time with that.
But you can't go spend time with the Lord?
Like, boy, check yourself.
But I want you to be sitting with that in your heart
posture as well.
I don't want that, like, because I get it.
Like, sometimes that kind of stuff
just frustrates me about people.
But I don't want you to stay in that space
to where that's the energy that you give off.
Does that make sense?
Absolutely, absolutely.
And I love how you brought up that make sure
that they are at least in a part of some type of community
because that's always my follow-up question.
OK, good.
Because just because you're not, yeah.
I just want you to be cautious, especially
like, you know, here in our community,
like, when we're sharing with the other women.
We don't want to approach it like we're attacking men.
Like, I get it.
Some of these men just need some help.
But we don't want to have, like, these men are the enemy.
They're the negative.
Like, we're not here to attack men.
Absolutely not.
We got to give grace, OK?
So yeah, some of these men can give some excuses.
But we just want to make sure that our heart
posture is like, hey, this is how I would approach it.
When they do this, this has worked for me.
OK.
So I just want to check.
That's why I'm coming in, just to check
that that's where you're at.
So that's where I can believe to hear that you are.
I appreciate you.
Of course.
All right, ladies, I'm definitely well over time.
So I'm going to take off.
But thank you so much for coming.
Jump on tonight at 8 o'clock if you are available to hang
with Ebony tonight.
And then I will see you all next week.
And make sure to be consistent in the app.
And we're going to be in that this week as well,
just to be touch and base with you, OK?
It's good to see you.
And Leah, it was good to see you, too.
I wanted to say hi.
I haven't seen you in a while.
So it's good to see you as well.
All right, ladies, have a great rest of your day.