Okay, so welcome to our coaching session.
Even though it is technically called online dating, I'm actually going to spend a little
bit of time talking about regular dating in the wild and answering your dating questions
or letting you stump me with questions that you get from guys that you don't know how
to answer.
Because as you all know, I did online dating since the beginning of Dawn.
Like nobody is older than me who's been doing online dating longer than me, and nobody hated
online dating as much as I did.
And that is how, in fact, I married my husband, because God has a funny sense of humor.
So Jackie was like, hey, you're going to do this teaching.
So I'm like, all right.
And I've been doing the online dating teaching, if you remember from phase two, from the get
go.
Again, pick the girl who hates online dating the most to find a successful way to do it.
And I promise you, y'all, I still would have bet my last dollar I was not going to meet
my man online.
I think God is just a funny sense of humor.
But before we started recording, I was talking about my outfit and what it takes to be camera
ready.
I've asked if you are live here tonight to be camera ready.
And if you want, you're going to raise your hand later, and I'm going to critique what
I see.
And so I'm a big fan of having a legitimate background.
I know a lot of you guys have some woo, woo, woo, like backgrounds.
And like, I get it.
For some business meetings, if I'm sitting in bed, I don't want the office to see that
I'm sitting in bed.
So I will have a professional thing behind me.
But I feel like the background things does something funny here.
Like it just does something funny here.
So I made sure that if you notice, blue top, blue in my vase.
There's some red going on here.
I've got some red earrings and a red necklace going on with some yellow.
So I'm making sure it all works, and I'm facing the light.
It gets rid of all the wrinkles.
So forget the wrinkle cream.
Just get a light on your face, and it gets rid of all the things.
So that's what you want to make sure, because a lot of times, people have the light behind
you, and it just adds like this wonky hue.
So you want to think like, this is where I've done.
If you guys have seen any of those videos, like from phase two that were recorded even
two years ago, this is what you see, this really pretty painting.
So your background says a lot about your personality.
So you want to be able to make sure that it's there.
Okay.
So just like Bethany did, and just like Jackie did, I'm going to always have some notes at
the front end.
And then, so for you to take notes with me, and then if you want, then at the end, you
guys are going to flood me with questions and all that stuff, and I'm going to flood
you with some questions.
But usually what I try to do is see what I'm seeing in the feed, in the VIP feed.
I'm going, wow, I keep seeing this question over and over again.
Sometimes it's, you're new, and you're welcome to phase three if you're just coming on.
But some of you ladies have been here like two or three years, and I'm like, are you
still asking that question?
So I'm going to always at the top of the hour, make sure we cover the nitty gritty, so we
don't make the same mistakes.
Okay.
So I have five online quick dating basic notes.
If you are going to get online, and really number one and number five are the same thing.
Number one, you cannot take it too seriously unless you get past date number four.
I mean like a legitimate date, whether it's a video date or in-person date, he is not
not picking you, she is not not picking you.
They don't know you.
They are just getting to know you.
So I don't want you crying, analyzing, and getting upset about anybody in that beginning
discovery phase.
You are getting to know complete strangers.
That's it.
Think about it.
When we were in school and at a job or at a community group, when we used to meet people
in real life, we used to see them for weeks and months at the gym, at the office, at school,
and we had time to observe them.
When there were plenty of people, we immediately went, no, right?
That's all that's happening in this beginning phase, is you're just filtering out a lot
of people and they're filtering out you, and if they don't swipe on you because they don't
like your weight or your height, let them go.
Like so you can't get online if you're going to take every person that matches or doesn't
match with you personal, or they match with you, you match with them, and then they don't
message you.
Or you message them and they don't message you back.
You have to be able to just let it go.
Just sing Elsa and let it go.
The number two thing is, remember, online is just a tool to get to a live date.
It's kind of like, some of you are too young to know this, but a lot of companies dot bombed.
In the dot bomb, we all know what the dot bomb happened with the World Wide Web, is
when people.
try to create a product just for the web.
Like, they didn't realize that the web was just,
the internet was just a vehicle to,
another vehicle to sell their product.
If it wasn't a good product, it didn't last, it bombed.
And so, it's just a vehicle.
So, an online dating app is just a vehicle
to increase your chances.
Okay, this might be the pizza place
telling me the pizza is ready.
Hold on.
No, it is not.
Oh, 8844, 88, I guess he's downstairs.
My husband's just been away for four days
on a business trip.
And he's like, so would you make me for dinner?
And I'm like, how about we order pizza?
Because I'm like, I had an online dating class
to get ready for.
Okay, I think she ran into him.
Okay, anyway, so number two,
I really want you to kind of think about that.
The online tool, it's just a tool.
So, if you are using online dating to keep texting
and never meet somebody, you are wasting your time.
So, it is just a tool to as quickly as possible
secure a live video and a live date.
If you are just chit-chatting and it's three weeks,
three months later, and y'all are still texting, stop it.
We don't have time for that.
It's just a tool.
Number three, you are going to pick just one
or two to use at any one time.
I never did more than two at one time.
And in most recent months, I was,
let me just mute somebody, okay.
In most recent months, I was just using,
before I met Brian, I was just down to one.
I was lazy.
I was just using Facebook dating.
It was free.
It was easy to use.
I just went with that.
Bumble, Hinge, you know, Upward, Holly,
whichever one you're using.
And I would also say, give it three months.
So, pick one or two, give it three months.
Ah, I know, I'm getting used to saying my husband.
It's freaking me out.
Although I still say people, I introduce myself,
and I still say, oh, Renee Rizzo.
Forget, yay, good stuff, babe, thank you.
Okay, four, swipe on the maybes.
That's the whole point of this, you guys.
Swipe on the maybes.
If you're like, eh, you know, you didn't quite like
the photo, but you liked the bio,
or you liked something about it,
and you're like, I'm not sure, give it a shot.
Just give it a shot.
And then number five, you're getting to know strangers,
it's all discovery.
So, it's back to don't take it personal.
So, number one, don't take it personal.
Two, online is just a tool to get a live date.
Three, pick one or two sites, stick with it
for three months.
Four, swipe on the maybes.
Five, you're getting to know strangers,
it's discovery, don't take it personal.
Okay, so here are some specific questions and issues
I've seen you guys ask on the phase three Facebook page
that I want to make sure I go over.
Okay, oh, I have been trying to find a girl in community
for my husband's best man.
Good looking man, he owns 14 Papa John's,
he lives in Lexington, Virginia, he's what, 61?
But because of his location and all the companies he owns,
he can't leave.
So, anyway, some of you have come to my mind
and I try to go to your Facebook page
to either look at your profile photo,
your photos in your featured or your cover photo
and you've got bupkis for me, bupkis.
Your profile photo, not current.
Your cover photo, not current.
Your favorites, like, did you guys know?
And so, you have to think, what is someone gonna see
on my social media page if they're not a friend of mine?
So, you have to think about what are they gonna see
that's public?
So, like, obviously, if you look at your profile,
you have a section called favorites,
where you, or it's called featured.
You can do a featured, like, I have, like,
eight featured photos and that's, like, public.
So, you wanna make sure if Renee or Jackie or Bethany
or Cheryl or some other sister in here
is trying to set you up with a dude
or vice versa with a girl, we need to be able
to get to some of your hot photos pretty fast.
Please do not make it hard for us.
Does that make sense?
So, find a way, have your friend look at your profile
and see what somebody sees when it's public
and they're not your friend.
And if they can't get to your photos fast
and it's, like, I was, like, struggling.
So, I'm, like, oh my gosh, I know she's really cute.
I gotta find a hot photo of her.
So, make sure you got some cute photos of you.
That's the first thing.
So, if you're gonna do online dating,
you're gonna allow your sisters and brothers here
to do community-based matchmaking.
Your social media has to have good shots of you.
Full body, dressy photos, casual photos, fun photos.
Okay.
The second thing that I know,
I know I feel like I'm vomiting on you
so I might need.
I don't know why I have so much energy.
I've been taking notes on this for like the last three weeks.
It's why I feel very passionately about it.
You think I wouldn't care about single people married, but like I actually care more now
because it's driving me bonkers.
Okay.
A lot of you say, I only attract the scammers online.
So there are two things causing that, two things causing that.
If you are only attracting scammers, one, I'd like to, I'd like for you to put your
photos and your bio in the Facebook page for us to look at it.
You're either looking a little too hoochie or you're looking a little too needy.
Something in there might be drawing the attention of the wrong dude or the wrong girl.
They're either seeing somebody that they think is looking for just a main squeeze, a little
fun fun on the side, or something in your photo screams inexperienced or your bio and
easily duped.
So if that is you, I want you to put your photos and your bio in the Facebook page and
let your coaches help critique it to see if you are in fact attracting.
The other way that you're getting a lot of scammers is you are accepting and liking photos
and profiles of people that are impossible.
Like they're gorgeous and their home is a mansion and the photos, like they're just
too good to be true.
Like you're like, oh my gosh, what do you, like you guys, I think I clean up good.
Like I'm not hot, but I clean up good.
So I try to match with men that were like in my tier, that were like, like me, they
weren't super hot, they weren't super fit, they like, you know, sorry, babe, so you want
to make sure that if you think this is the bandwidth of your hotness and your caliber,
then that's about the bandwidth that you're going to accept.
So you want to make sure you are liking profiles that look real, if that makes sense.
So those are the two main ways that you're going to be attracting it.
And now I got plenty of scammers, so don't think that I didn't either.
But if you're saying you're only getting scammers, then I would say, let's see what you're putting
out there.
Let's see what you're trying to reel and let's see what you're liking.
Let us help you start to like more appropriate photos.
I feel like that's like the first thing it needs to do.
Okay.
And I need to say this to people, this next thing, who are probably over the age of 40.
And I say this because I've walked about four of you and some of my closest friends through
this in the last three months.
Some of you are staying in relationships that have turned into situationships.
They were on the fence at the front end, whether they were marriage-minded and you've
been in it and you've cried with me and you're like, I just can't imagine starting over again
to date somebody new.
So if you're here, I'm saying this because I love you and I'm saying it because you're
not the only one that's doing this.
So I'm not pointing you out.
Nobody's going to be like, oh my gosh, they're going to know she's talking about me.
No, because it's happening to more than one of you.
And actually Jackie posted about this on her Instagram page somewhere in the last week
or two where she specifically talked about this, that we're seeing a growing number of
women in our community and possibly men who are staying in relationships.
And the only reason why you're telling me you're still there is because the thought
of starting over again is too overwhelming.
Does that resonate with y'all?
You know, right?
We've all been there where we're like, it's good enough.
It's good.
And, and here's the thing, you guys, if somebody is giving you 65% of themselves, I get it.
65% sounds a whole lot better than nothing, doesn't it?
But I promise you the 35% they're not giving you is causing you so much grief and it is
not what God's best is for you.
Am I perfect?
No.
Is Brian perfect?
No.
And there's not one part of me that feels like I compromised my morals, my values, my
integrity.
Did I have to compromise on some of the stupid stuff?
Probably.
But I didn't have to compromise on anything that mattered.
And so my cup and we both feel like our cup is overflowing.
You all deserve that.
I don't care whether you're 29 or 79, you all deserve God's abundance.
And how many of you are divorced?
You know, marriage is hard, right?
You know, marriage is hard.
So you don't want to accept...
less than God's very, very best for you.
Okay, so right from the get-go,
you wanna make sure you pick people
who are marriage-minded, they're mature,
and they're operating, and they're masculine and feminine.
If they are weary about those three things
from the get-go, you are not setting yourself up
for success, and I've got some really good questions
I'm gonna go through at the end
that you are gonna learn right away.
So when someone is like everything,
but they say to, oh my gosh, I just got out of a divorce,
I've been married for 30 years,
I can't ever imagine getting remarried,
that is not the time to be dating them.
They might change their mind,
but you don't wanna be the practice guy or girl.
You do not wanna be the practice person.
You wanna get somebody who actually wants
the same thing that you want.
The other thing, somebody did ask,
and I heard just different questions,
like what's appropriate in your first live date
with somebody?
Is it appropriate to hug them or not hug them?
Do you do the frontal hug where they can feel your boobs,
the side hug that you give at the church?
I will say this, you do what feels comfortable for you.
We are all different, we all feel differently about hugs.
But one person did say something that kinda triggered me.
Somebody said, I'm a hugger.
Y'all, some of us have been through child sexual trauma.
Some of us have been through sexual assault,
a lot more people than you realize.
So when someone says I'm a hugger,
you're not taking into account how the opposite person
might feel with a hug from a stranger,
because that's who you are on the first date.
You are still a stranger that they're getting to know.
And so you guys, I actually am, I'm Italian.
I touch my, I mean, I hug and touch my family
and my cousins, probably inappropriately, I'm sure.
Physical touch is my love language,
and I still don't like hugging strangers.
I just don't, it makes me uncomfortable.
And I've been known to do this or this
when someone goes, oh my gosh, I'm a hugger.
And I say that with women, especially, y'all, I'm 4'11.
So if there's a larger woman
and she's got like a full set of boobs,
her boobs are like smack in my face.
It's not what I need in the very first conversation.
And I've got a big bosom, so I get it.
I'm just short, so I'm gonna hit that at your waist.
I'm not gonna hit that at your face.
And so, oh, I almost rhymed there.
And so I would say, do what's safe for you,
but also be considerate of the person next to you
that you're meeting.
You don't know how they feel about that.
Okay, I'm almost done,
and then I'm gonna be ready for your questions.
Okay, confusion is from an unhealed or unavailable person.
If you are trying to decipher text messages and phone calls,
and you're figuring out where you stand
with this guy or girl, it is not from God.
God is not the God of confusion.
You should not have to decipher what the code means
by a text message.
If you are getting mixed messages,
you're probably dealing with somebody
who's either unavailable, not ready, or unhealed.
And you wanna be dating somebody who is healed,
who is ready.
Now, are they perfectly healed?
No, because there are some things
that Brian and I are still getting healing from together,
but there was literally not one time in dating Brian
that I was confused.
Not one time, not one time.
Now, did I also feel like some of this crazy high
serotonin sparks with Brian that I have in the past?
No, I mean, I would say I had higher sparks with the crazies.
You guys, the higher the sparks,
the crazier he ended up being.
So I learned that what Jackie was talking about,
like that whole thing we think is chemistry,
it may not be chemistry.
It might be your unhealthy hormones
kind of attracting their unhealthy hormones.
So I learned to like, look for the fruit,
look for peace, look for clarity.
I was joking around with somebody,
I'm like, safe is the new sexy.
Like, there is something so sexy and amazing
about being completely comfortable.
It is why, when Jackie kept saying,
you wanna marry your best friend, you wanna marry,
I'm like, really?
Because I wanna have sex with my person.
So like, I don't know if I wanna have sex
with my best friend.
You really do.
You really wanna go after your best friend.
Okay, so that's kind of my summary of notes.
Some good questions.
So a lot of you go, is he or she a Christian?
Is he or she a Christian?
And you wanna ask that
without asking for their church resume, right?
Because we all know there are plenty of men and women
in the church who are on staff, who are elders,
who are in a Bible study, who can quote scripture,
who are not godly or healthy people, right?
So we're not looking for the pedigree and church resume.
I used to tell you guys to say,
ask this wonderful question, which I thought was wonderful.
It was, how does faith show up for you?
How does faith show up in your everyday life?
I apparently traumatized my husband twice.
because I did not like his answer the first time,
so I evidently, three days later, asked the question again,
and he didn't know what to do with that.
So I've learned that maybe that question's
a little too deep.
So here are good ways to find out about someone's faith.
You say, what do you do that takes up your time
in any given week that matters to you?
What do you do that takes up time
in any given week that matters to you?
And if they're like, I don't know,
then I would say, well, let me go first.
So if someone says to you, I don't know,
you go, let me go first.
So you kinda lead with it.
So here are things that are important to me,
obviously, besides my ministry job,
I'm very involved with my women's ministry at church,
I'm on the prayer team, I go to the gym regularly,
and I eat healthy, in fact, I count my macros,
and I love taking my dog to the park.
So I make sure I say a bunch of things that matter to me,
and not just my faith thing, but my faith thing is in there.
And so then I see what they say,
then I would see what they would say.
The other way that you can find out
if faith is a part of their everyday life is you can say,
well, I'm sure you and I have been
through really hard seasons.
Without getting into the details
of what we would call a hard season,
what do you lean on when you're going through a tough time?
And if they go, well, gosh, I don't know,
I would say something like,
well, I lean on my close friends, I lean on prayer,
I lean on meditation, I lean on exercise,
like I would list all of the things I lean on,
and my faith would be part of that answer.
And so you say, now, how about you?
So if in those two answers,
you don't hear anything about your faith, that's a clue.
Now, it's not a definitive, but it's a clue to pay attention.
Now, if I ask those questions on a live video,
I would not text those two questions.
Those are not texty questions.
I will reverse back and tell you
what are appropriate texting questions.
But that is a question I would ask on a video call.
That is a question I would ask on a first date.
And if I still don't get a faith question,
at some point, when I start talking about my faith,
I might say something like this.
I might say, well, hey, you know what I have noticed?
I've mentioned a few times where faith shows up in my life.
And as you can tell, it's a part of my everyday life,
just like exercise is, just like my job is,
and just like spending time with my friends is.
You didn't mention it, would you be willing
to share a little bit more about where faith is
in your daily life?
Is it in there at all?
And then that's not, so that's a bit more direct.
And so at that point, you've tried to lead into it,
and then you lead into it.
Because then that point, they might go,
oh, well, gosh, you're right.
I guess I didn't mention it,
but it's a really big part of my life.
I pray every day, I do a Bible app every day.
I've been watching church online, or I go to church,
or I haven't really found my church home yet.
Like you might start to get some information about that.
Let's see.
And then I might ask a question is,
what do you wish you had more time for?
What do you wish you had more time for?
And then how marriage ready somebody is,
the question I ask usually, the question I used to ask was,
where are you at in your dating season?
Where are you at in your dating season?
Are you just getting out there?
Are you just trying to find friends?
Or actually, are you looking for somebody?
But where are you in your dating season?
That kind of lets you know a little bit about
where people are in their story.
And if they just say, so that's a good time
that they might say, I'm just getting started.
I just got divorced.
Now, I don't know about y'all, but I'm 57.
Brian and I, I know where I was last year
when I got back online after my last breakup.
If a guy said to me, I just got divorced.
I don't know, I'm just getting back out there.
That is not a dating position I wanted to get involved with.
That wasn't good for me,
because I knew he was gonna be going through
a lot of figuring it out.
And I didn't want to be practicing there.
That's just where I am.
Now, for some of you who are like, Renee,
I haven't had a date in seven years.
I don't want to be that picky.
Then I would say, keep talking to that person.
Just know that that might be a practice date person.
It might not be somebody ready to settle down.
But really pay attention to somebody's readiness
and what they say up front.
Super, super important.
Okay, I'm gonna shut up,
because I also have a list of a lot of in-person ways
for you to meet people.
But I do want to stay in this vein
of online dating right now.
So let me backtrack, because I forgot to.
Let me backtrack and tell you
what's appropriate texting information.
So when you're online,
think about what you wouldn't mind in the New York Times,
the top page of the New York Times.
Think about any content you wouldn't care if.
Anybody knew it about it. I call it the resume information. You know,
I am Italian. I am the third of four children. Um,
I have a finance degree. I'm back in seminary. Um,
I used to work for a for-profit healthcare company.
Then I was in church ministry and then I ran a nonprofit. Um,
I used to coach cheerleading. Um, I'm a fitness instructor.
I love all foods. I'm a great cook. Um, I really love to read.
I love going to the beach. I prefer sun, not winter. Um,
my favorite class when I was growing up, you know, we're math classes,
which is ironic because I did terrible in the engineering school.
And I ended up finding out that I'm a really great writer and communicator,
which I did terrible on the English SATs.
Like you see how I'm like giving you lots of information about me,
but this is like, and Brian would tell you every time he asked me something hard
or personal, I would say, that's a great question.
I would rather answer that when we can see each other and we can hear tone and
inflection when we can see each other here, tone and inflection.
I don't say, well, we can have a video date so I can see if you're a scammer.
I never said that. No, I would say, you know,
90% of communication is body language, tone and inflection.
That's a great question. Just not for text.
So I would set the tone right away. What is appropriate texting conversation,
which means to this day,
Brian and I have never had a conversation by text that is
deep and like personal, like, what do you mean? What do you mean by that?
Well, Renee didn't like what you said last night.
We have always done those because we FaceTimed right from the get go.
So we hardly even talk on the phone like 99% of the time.
If we're talking digitally, it's on FaceTime.
The only time we're not doing that is if one of us is driving.
And even then, you guys,
we Marco a lot because we've gotten so used to liking to see each other's face
when we talk that we either Marco or FaceTime even more than we just talk on
the phone. So you really want to make sure now some of you are younger,
like, but I like texting Renee.
I promise you your spouse is going to be standing next to you like for your
marriage. You don't want to be texting your spouse.
Like they're going to be right there.
So don't develop a texting habit with somebody that you're going to be looking
at or else you're never going to be able to have the hard conversations when it
really gets hard. So texting is facts only. It's not feelings.
It's facts, not feelings.
And so when you start talking about faith and feelings and future faith,
feelings, and future are for a live conversation. Texting,
you're just trying to, I kind of look at it like this.
You know how you have your resume and a cover letter.
Do you want to know what is the goal of the cover letter and resume?
Somebody come off mute and tell me what is the goal of the cover letter and
resume? To get the interview. Yes, that's it.
It is not to get the job. It is just to get the interview.
Do you want to know what your job is? When you first start texting somebody,
you just want to get that video call. You just want to get that first date.
Now, let me ask you another question and be bold.
What is your goal of the first date? What's your goal of the first date?
It's the same as your first interview. What's your goal of the first interview?
Not to get the job, right? The goal of the first interview is
probably get the next interview, right? How many people get a job offer?
If you're going after a pretty big job,
you're probably going to have two or three interviews, right?
Before you get a job offer.
So you're not asking what the salary is in the first position of the first
interview you are. And in fact,
which should you be doing on your first interview at a job?
What should you both be doing?
Getting to know each other. Yes. Yeah, there we go. Yes.
So you're both getting to know each other. Believe it or not,
when you go for a job interview,
you're not just trying to sell yourself for them to hire you.
You want to see if you like them. You want to see if you want to work there.
So that first date is for you guys to see if you actually want a second date.
That's it.
You are not determining if they are spouse material on the first date.
So for those first few dates,
your only goal is to see if you want to see them again.
That's it.
And so I feel like if you kind of go in with that mindset,
when you're doing online dating,
you're going to go in with a lot less intensity,
a lot less desperation and a lot more fluidity,
fluidity. Um, if that makes sense.
And so think about like when you're doing the cover letter and the resume and
think about that as you're dating, like, I'm just trying to book that.
Like I'm just trying to book the phone call.
I'm just trying to book the video date. I'm just trying to book that live date.
I'm just trying to book that second date.
Like that's kind of the pace that you're going on. Um,
okay.
Okay, and so let's see.
Yes, you are weeding them out.
All right, Cheryl, have you been in the texts?
Is there anything somebody's asked me
that I need to address?
I'm sliding through now.
What's a hoochie?
Somebody asked what's a hoochie.
Anya has a question, so.
Who does?
Anya.
Anya, what was the question?
Okay, Meg Smith, you don't need to make your profile public.
I understand that, but so my Facebook page is not public,
but some things are public.
Your actual basic, like, well, you have to be searchable.
Like, if you can be searchable and your page can be private,
but then at least your profile photo
and your cover photo need to be accessible.
So I would say don't have pictures of your children
in your profile photo or your cover photo.
If that is all somebody can see
from a private Facebook page,
then those two pictures need to be just you.
Because I promise you,
that is how people are gonna try to see what you look like.
They're just gonna try to,
because that's what you would be doing, right?
Like you'd be searching to find pictures
of this other person.
And I wanna say the featured can be,
yes, thank you for saying that, Cherie.
I think you can make the featured photos public
while everything else stays private.
All right, Aina, what was the question you had?
I might've just misheard or misunderstand,
but when you were saying the last point
about like the one question about where you're at
in your dating season to kind of gauge where they're at
and paying attention to one's current readiness,
you had said something like if their answer
was just getting started or whatever,
made it kind of sound like that means not ready.
But I'm thinking even on our end,
like I haven't been on a ton of dates,
but it doesn't mean I'm-
Well, so here's how you-
I might've misunderstood, but-
No, that's actually a great question.
So let's clarify that.
So I'm gonna help you give the right answer
so that even though you're early in your dating,
so you actually don't, if you haven't dated in seven years,
I don't think you should say I haven't dated in seven years.
Okay, so you're not gonna say that.
You're gonna say I'm dating with intention right now.
I'm dating with intention right now.
I'm obviously online to meet somebody in real life
and I'm really hoping to find my person
to go live out my next season with.
I've enjoyed my life, but I'm intentionally looking
for somebody for my next season.
Do you see how that sounds ready?
Yeah, it's great.
And it doesn't sound desperate.
You haven't said, oh my gosh, I am waiting for my husband.
Like I'm looking for my husband.
Doesn't say that, but you're like, oh my gosh,
I haven't dated in seven years.
I'm just getting out there.
Like you don't want anybody to take advantage
of that posture, right?
You wanna sound like you're confident.
And so, and that brings up another great question.
I'm so glad you brought this up.
Someone says, when is the last time
that you've dated somebody?
You know what, I'm in a dating season right now.
So I'm in a active season of getting to know people.
I'm in an active season of getting to know people.
You know what, and then someone might say to you,
well, how long has it been
since your most serious relationship?
It's been a little bit.
But you know what, my goal right now
is to meet people in real life now
and get to know who they are today
and for them to get to know who I am today.
I feel like there's a time and a place
for us to talk about our past and now is not it.
That's usually how I answer something like that.
Because like when they ask you questions like,
well, how have you met somebody?
And you know, there's no short answer.
Like sometimes if they ask a really hard question,
well, how come you've never gotten married?
I would say things like, well,
there's not a short answer to that.
The only short answer I can give you
is I haven't found my person.
Anything longer than that
is something we'll figure out together.
So never feel like you have to apologize.
Never feel like you have to overexplain.
It is okay for you to say,
I really wanna focus on who I am today and who you are.
And if we keep talking to each other,
there's plenty of time for us to learn about our past.
I will appropriately share about my past
with the right person.
So I'm glad you asked that.
Does that help kind of?
Yeah, absolutely.
It was really good too that you included like,
when's your last serious relationship?
Because I always get that question.
I'm like, I've never had one.
So, you know.
Right, so you're just gonna say,
you know what, it's been a bit.
Yeah, that's good.
It's been a bit.
Well, how long?
If they keep kind of pressuring you on that,
and you can just be like, look, you know what?
There are just some questions I'm not gonna answer
in the texting conversation.
If that's not working for you,
I don't wanna waste your time.
And those are the people that I am fine
walking away from right away.
Because if people are trying.
trying to dig too much about my past and like uncover stuff.
Those are the people I just don't feel good about.
Like, I feel like people then are gonna,
they're gathering information to use against me
at some point, I don't know.
And or they're operating in defended,
like not God defended, but in self defended.
And you guys, and we have to think about ourselves
when we do that.
Like, what are we asking to make sure
we're not asking questions to try to rule people out.
Okay, what is appropriate on your first date?
Oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, that.
Okay, anything else?
That was a great question.
But you're a slow writer.
Well, you're gonna like, I listened to Bethany last week.
She's talked at the speed of light
and she had a lot of content.
And I think she suggested for you guys
to go back in and take notes.
And did you know when you guys watch this stuff in replay,
you can either speed it up or slow it down.
So since I'm talking at the speed of light,
you can actually listen to me at like 0.75
when you get to the good stuff.
Let's see, should you be proactive or let the men lead?
Okay, so it is okay for you to drop the hanky
and let a guy know that you're interested.
It is okay to do that.
In fact, I did one of my coaching calls
with one of y'all privately
and we talked about having really cute business cards
ready to go.
Like I already happen to have business cards
because of my coaching business.
So when I would meet people,
men or women that I wanted to talk to again,
I'm like, oh my gosh, here's my card.
It's got my email and that's got my cell phone on there.
I'd love to hang out with you again.
Like I would do that for women and men.
So you need to find,
if you're gonna wanna meet people in the wild,
you have to have a fast way to hand them away
to contact you that's easy and accessible to you.
And so it is okay for you to have a cool conversation
with somebody at the DMV, at the grocery store.
And you're like, I kind of feel like we're vibing,
but I can't tell.
So this is how you do it.
Like you're like, Diane,
I just had a really great conversation with you.
I have no idea if you're even single or even looking,
but I didn't wanna leave this moment.
So I'm gonna hand you my card.
And if you're not at all interested
in getting to know me again, that is okay.
You can toss it out on the garbage on the way out.
I will not be offended.
But at the remote chance
that you might wanna chat with me again,
I would love to hear from you.
This way I never leave that moment
wondering what they're thinking.
So I think a version of that is completely appropriate.
But then after that, we do have to let the men lead.
We really want men to kind of then pick up the ball.
We don't have to go like, oh my gosh,
maybe he lost my number.
Maybe I'll try again.
Like we have to kind of trust the universe,
so to speak in that.
So I know Coach O just said,
I suggest letting the man lead.
So that's where I might be different than what you just said.
I think Jackie has coached on this.
I believe it.
I think it is so hard for men right now.
I feel like we have,
like there's a lot of conversation about toxic masculinity.
Women get, women are hard to approach.
Ladies, we're not easy to read sometimes.
So I think it's okay for us to let a guy know
that we're interested.
But again, I always try to say it in a way
that lets them off the hook.
Because they usually laugh at me.
And now irony, you guys, I was at the gym last week
and this one guy started joking around with me.
And I'm like, so I tried making sure he saw
that I had a ring.
He didn't care.
And I mean, he literally looked 20 years younger than me too.
And at one point he was like,
hey, I want to start following you.
Like, what's your handle?
I'm like, no, no.
I said, dude, I'm married.
I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't appreciate that.
He's like, ah, that's okay.
I'm like, no.
And I'm like thinking to myself,
where were you when I was single?
Because no one ever talked to me at the gym
when I was single.
But y'all, and don't be doing that.
Don't be letting people follow you
if you're in a relationship.
Okay.
Um, okay.
Anya, I feel like I got your question.
Is there anything else I missed?
All right.
All right, come at me with any question
you either have about online dating or dating
or the question that has stumped you
and you don't know what to say.
So raise your hand.
Ooh, Anya, do you have another question?
You might be mixing me up with someone else on the call.
Oh, it's a different Anya.
Okay.
Go for it.
What's your question, girl?
Yeah, my question.
I put it in the chat.
I don't think you saw it.
I know, I thought there's too many.
Sorry.
I am having a continued issue
where when I'm going out on dates,
first and second dates,
men are trying to kiss me on the first or second date.
And every time it's really awkward
because I'm like, oh, oh, no, sorry.
Sorry, I don't kiss until I'm in a relationship.
And so I'm just wondering, how do I head that off?
How do I set the expectation before we're in the moment
where he's trying to kiss me?
Is it happening every single time?
Well, I haven't been going on tons of dates,
but the last three dates I've been going on,
it's been happening.
OK.
Do you feel like there was any, and I'm just
going to ask the hard question, and you can tell me
like I'm being a jerk, is there anything
that you felt like in your body language
and your attire that gave them the impression that they could?
And if your answer is no, then we're going to work with that.
Yeah, it's no.
I actually had been on four dates with another guy
that did not try to kiss me.
And so he and I have been kind of wingmen for each other now.
We're going to be dating events.
And he said, I never got an impression, Anna,
that you were going to kiss.
So great.
OK, perfect.
So this may be too blunt for you,
but it's something to consider.
So you're on the date, you're having a good time,
and just say, you know, you could say somewhere
as you guys are getting to know each other,
oh, Tony, by the way, I'm really enjoying getting to know you.
I do kind of, just so you know, when
I'm at this discovery stage of just going on first dates
with folks, just so it's not awkward later,
I kind of don't put any romance in in these early dates.
And so don't be offended later if I'm not in it.
And if you weren't going to do that,
then we're both on the same page, yay.
So it is OK for you to say it preemptively.
If you feel like it's an issue.
And here's the other thing.
And also, though, if somebody does go to kiss you,
you also don't have to make a big, long explanation.
And all you have to say is, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry.
I don't kiss on these early discovery dates.
No harm, no foul, but I don't kiss
on these early discovery dates.
You don't even have to go so far as to say,
I only kiss with somebody I'm in a committed relationship with.
You can, but you don't have to.
Just say, oh my gosh, I've enjoyed getting to know you.
I just don't make out this early.
And then don't feel bad that you've said it.
Like, maybe some of why you feel awkward about it
is that you feel bad, but you actually
should not feel bad about it.
They're doing something they don't necessarily
have been given permission to do on the first date.
So if it's awkward, it's awkward for them.
Don't let it be awkward for you.
It is OK that you assert your, oh my gosh,
I don't kiss on the first date.
I don't kiss when I'm just getting to know somebody.
But I really enjoyed getting to know you.
You can soften it with, but I enjoyed getting to know you.
And I'm glad you asked that, because that's a very common
issue that comes up.
Great.
Thank you.
You bet, sweetie.
Helen, what you got?
Can you hear me OK?
Yes, I can.
Forgive me for not being on camera.
I will be next time.
OK.
Question about where a man is with his faith.
If he says, I do church online.
I don't have an in-person faith community.
That's something that's a big deal for me.
But they're open to finding it.
Just kind of haven't found it.
What do you do with that?
And then number one, number two, when
is it an inappropriate time to go to church together
or explore new church together?
That's good.
OK, so just so you guys know, Brian
was working three jobs, one of which
was an overnight nurse being at the hospital as a house
manager.
And so he was only watching church online
when I first met him.
And that did raise my eyebrow.
I was like, didn't love that answer.
But he also mentioned that he did two Bible
apps every single day.
And I was like, wow, I don't do two Bible apps
every single day.
So that kind of caught my attention.
And then as we had more conversations,
it was clear that faith was a part of his life.
And so that's what I would say to you
is it might raise your eyebrow, but it's actually
since COVID, it's actually not unusual for single people
to be doing church online, especially guys.
It's really not.
They're having a harder time to connect and find their church
or find one they like.
And so I would say don't hold it against them,
but see how faith is showing up in all
of their areas of their life.
Do they have a prayer life?
Do they read the Bible?
Are they in a men's group?
So you start to pay attention to that.
And then Jackie would say, really,
you don't want to bring going to church together
until you're heading towards an exclusive relationship.
So I would say in the first month
that you're dating somebody, praying together,
doing a...
Bible study together, going to church together.
Ideally is not the best plan.
Just because you can create a soul tie
with somebody spiritually, and it can give you guys,
in the same way that sex too early
can give you false sense of intimacy,
doing a church or prayer thing together too early
can give you a false sense of a connection,
just because it's not there.
But reading the Bible together is okay.
Cheryl, help me here.
I mean, Jackie would say not in the first few weeks.
I think Cheryl, I mean, I think Jackie would say
not in the first few weeks,
because it can, again,
it's still kind of creating that soul tie.
You really want to make sure you're dating somebody
kind of closer to exclusivity.
Like you're weeding out all of the other people
before you start praying together.
Because praying together, reading the Bible together
is a form of spiritual intimacy, right?
It is.
Now, I will say this, you know, I was in seminary
and I went on a couple of dates with a guy
who was like a total theologian.
And we had really great theology conversations,
like really in-depth theology conversations.
But they were much more factual
and not as like reading and unpacking scripture together.
So I would say in the first few weeks of you dating somebody
I would hold off on that.
Cheryl, would you agree that Jackie would say that?
Yes, she would.
Yeah, okay, great.
All right, Tammy.
Okay, I listened to the replay from the coursework
about the dating, online dating.
And I can't remember what you said about
like if somebody just wants to comment, you know,
over a few days or whatever,
how are you and that kind of small talk stuff.
And they don't really ask any questions and you-
Oh yeah.
And I don't get it going.
How do you get it going?
Okay, so here's what you say.
After like two or three days of,
hey, hey, how are you?
How are you?
This is where you can be super blunt.
Hey, John, I'm really great.
I'm just letting you know that I'm only using
this online portal to meet somebody in real life.
So that means within a week,
I would be booking a video date or an in-person date.
If that's not where you're at, that's totally okay.
I just don't wanna waste each other's time.
And if they say, okay, yeah, that's what I want to,
then I would be like, great.
Do you wanna book a video chat?
I use my Zoom account for the first one.
And then if we click, then I'll give you my cell phone
and we can go to FaceTime or something after that.
Would you be available sometime this weekend?
So that you guys, I was willing to get that direct
on trying to lock that time down.
And if they hemmed and hawed after that,
then I would just stop talking to them.
So somebody says to me, well,
what if they keep just asking you questions?
You stop replying.
It's really that simple.
You just stop replying.
You don't reply on the tool
that you don't wanna use anymore.
And so, and Tammy, don't be afraid of all the people.
Like, I mean, I've had men just like slip away
or like call me some really awful names.
I just think, again, remember I said rule number one
is we're not taking any of this personal.
And so that's how I would get somebody from the,
hey, hey, hey, nice day, whatever.
I'd be like, hey, look,
I don't know what you're trying to do online,
but I'm looking for somebody I can talk to in real life.
And so, a random, hey, every now and then
is probably not gonna get us there.
So unless you wanna book a video chat,
I'm gonna release you to go talk to other people.
Like a kind of, Hunter, I'm gonna wait on you
cause I've answered a bunch of questions for you.
And there's a bunch of people that I've never seen before
that are new.
So I'm gonna fly through them first
and then I'm gonna swing back around to you.
Okay, buddy?
I'm gonna flip to a guy.
Coach O, I don't know you.
I'm so excited.
Hey, how you doing?
Yay.
And you're one of the new guys
and you weren't on the group call I did
with the men last week.
So this is fun.
Tell us, what is your question?
It was like less of a question.
It was more of a statement.
I think I may have raised my hand earlier,
but I think you kind of really answered that.
As a guy, as a man,
I was just saying like for the women,
I think that was kind of answered.
But like, yeah, let the guy,
let him know that you're interested.
Like smile, flirt with him so that he,
there's not a question.
So then he can say, oh,
and he'll pursue if he's interested.
You know what I mean?
Like that's what, yeah.
So I just wanted to, really that was-
You wanted to kind of underscore that, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just exactly, exactly, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so from a guy's point of view,
and since you're newer,
is there anything that I'm saying that is shocking to you,
or are you finding this helpful and refreshing?
Because it's always good for me to hear
what a guy is thinking.
Because you know what,
obviously we have predominantly women on here.
So you might be going, okay, Renee.
I think you just say would have scared the crap out of me if you had asked me that question, right?
No
I think the other thing is that when you said on the young lady that said um
Oh the guy tried to kiss her like, you know, like yeah
Nah, like absolutely not like, you know me
I think you just have to let the guy know before y'all meet like hey, you know
I know we're gonna date and everything but I just want to let you know, you know
I don't kiss into a relationship boom guys like direct like just guys like to be direct
Let him know just what it is
You know I'm saying they'll respect that more and they know what the what the guidelines are, you know, so they're not
Figuring out the whole day exactly
I love it. And you know what you said that I love too and it's something I always say is
Adults make statements children explain and so what you just said was I don't kiss on the first date
You said it like it was a fact you didn't explain it. You didn't have to answer why to it
You're like, that's just my guideline. Like I just don't kiss on the first date just so we're clear
I don't guess it's not personal. So don't think I'm being rude. That doesn't happen
If he or she has a problem, that's not the one like, you know, right then and there like nope
That's not the one for me. I love it to get to know each other. Yeah, I love it
I'm gonna be so excited to get to know you better. All right, since you are fresh on the scene here coach
Oh, tell me what is it? What's your first name?
Oshel
I'm in Dover, Delaware. I'm from Philly, but I live in Dover
Okay, and tell us how old you are. Oh, wow. Okay
You start flirting with somebody
Okay, I'm not flirting with you that I promise. I'm just trying to help the other ladies here get to know you
No
I'm over 40
Well over 40
Some I mean, I'll tell you how old I'm almost 50. I mean, I don't have a problem to say, you know, okay
Well, there are some ladies in their 40s that are excited to see coach. Oh join the team. Just saying
Okay, and what I am gonna tell everybody on here since you're on here live
Make sure your name here you guys can rename here is
How it appears in whatever social media you want somebody to slip in your DMS
So if you want them to slip in your Instagram DM
You're gonna do at with your handle name if you are searchable on Facebook
You're gonna actually put how your name appears on Facebook
So if there's somebody here in this community, you want to reach out to you like sweet Tammy
It just says Tammy like Tammy's not like so Tammy
It would be hard for a guy to find you on social media because it just says Tammy
so be willing here in this community if you want somebody from this community to
Go a searching for you or like say coach Oh goes man
I got a brother that would be great for Marley
Like he wants to be able to find a way to get to Marley and so that's how you have to do it
All right. Thank you for that comment, Jessica
You are I put that in the in the just so I guess we can catch that I can think I missed some of it
How you do it
How to do the rename Cheryl is great at giving you instructions on how to rename your zoom page, yeah, okay
Yes, she'll put the instructions right in the chat. Jessica Frank. You are up. Yeah. Hey Renee. Thanks
I just want to say go Eagles. I noticed I had their coach. Oh
Wait for football season
Thanks. Thank you. Yeah
Renee mines really quick. I I've had a few
first dates recently
And both were just one and I'm like, I'm sitting there like, okay, this is cool
We're having a good time and then they send me a message
It was nice meeting you. That's it
Okay end of the day
Did you let them know you wanted to see them again? No
Okay, so what we encourage people to do the gang and this is about being a little bold you're gonna be like, hey Tony
I had a great time with you tonight. I'm not sure where you're at
I just wanted you to know I would love to see you again if that's not where you're at
No harm, no foul, but it was really great meeting you you this way you've left
No doubt that you're interested in a second date now
Some guys don't like that being that forward
But a lot of times guys don't always read our body language and they can't always tell so
And I would say
Especially if you are if your countenance on a date is a little more shy
It's not as outgoing naturally. He may have even a harder time
Discerning if you're interested or not on the date
So you want to make sure you smile a lot and this is only if you want to go out with them again
Obviously if you don't want to go out with them again
Now were they people that kind of matched all your?
things
Yeah
Okay, so that would be my one clue I would add is make sure you're smiling a lot, making
sure that you are fun, that you're funny, and that you let them know that as you're
walking away, you're just like, oh my gosh, I had a really great time.
I'd love to keep, I would love to keep getting to know you.
So when you say something like I would like to keep getting to know you, you're admitting
you're just still both getting to know each other.
Like this isn't like, I'm not asking you to get married.
Now I will say this, you guys, and men are, men are much more decisive than women are.
Like women can be decisive, but men are pretty decisive.
And so sometimes there is something either about our looks or personality that is just
not their thing.
Like there was this one guy, I thought we were having like the best date ever.
It lasted like three hours.
Like we even shared appetizers.
We even ate the same thing.
And he hugged me goodbye and it wasn't just like a nice hug.
Like see, he was really cute.
So I was like, okay with the hug that night.
And so he hugged me, I'm like, man, he's totally going to ask me for a second date.
And then like, I got a very polite, yeah, no.
And I was like, huh, didn't see that one coming.
But remember we just said, unless you get to date number four, don't take it personal.
There was just something about us that was not their jam.
And they don't, for some reason, oh, okay.
So somebody just asked me, Jessica, it came to me privately, so I'm not going to disclose
who it is.
They asked if you are willing to date long distance.
So my response to that is I have to get in person pretty early on because I had an experience
recently where I just, this guy called me every day for like weeks because he was so
busy he couldn't fly here.
And then when we met, it was like, we both knew.
Where are you?
Nothing here.
Pennsylvania.
Oh, you're only in Pennsylvania.
Yeah.
Okay.
Totally doable.
All right.
And you guys, that would be true for everybody.
We really want you to manage how often you're talking to somebody online before you meet
the person.
Yes.
Like you want to pace yourself.
You don't want to do this whole big romance thing, and then you meet in person and it's
like wah, wah, wah.
It's very awkward.
Okay.
So that person has just learned that, so you might be getting a little private DM.
Okey-dokey.
Okay.
Thanks.
Okay.
Kristen.
Hi, Renee.
Hi, Barb.
My question is regarding online dating.
Sometimes I find a guy that I'm interested in and sometimes he's usually like liked me
or he like somehow, you know, sent me some and so I responded and then like he's just
giving me one liners and like not asking me any questions.
And so I'll keep asking questions like a couple of times, but then I'm kind of like, okay,
how much do I keep asking?
So I wouldn't keep asking questions for more than two or three times.
And then I would say like, hey, it seems like it's really hard.
You're having a hard time asking me questions.
So we have one of two options.
Either you're not that interested and we can both call it a day or it might be easier for
you to talk live.
Would you be up for a video date?
So what you kind of do is in these moments, you kind of give people the ultimatum.
It's like you're letting them know you're done doing the heavy lifting.
Like it's seeming like you're not asking me any questions.
So either this is awkward for you, which I totally get, or you're not that into me, which
is totally cool.
So if you are still interested in getting to know me, would it be easier to pop over
to a video chat?
And then if you get nothing, then at this point you can just close the thing.
I used to think, you guys, we owed people these long explanations and then I would stay
matched with them until I know they read the thing.
But if I find that like guys are just like falling off, I just started deleting the conversation.
Like there's not even a goodbye here.
It's just like zoop.
So try to ultimatum them, but in a kind way.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you're like, you're, cause you want to act like you're breezy about this.
Like you just don't care.
Where's my conversation?
Um, who do I need to mute?
There we go.
Did you mute them for me, girl?
All right.
Thank you.
Okay.
So hopefully that answered your question.
Um, is it Marley?
Am I saying that right?
Marley?
Okay.
Good.
All right.
Hi Renee.
So this is a question that I put on the app.
Um, so I've been on a few dates, um, so, uh, video, we, we are not in the same city.
Um, we've chatted on over the phone, we've, uh, texted.
And it's been going well. We've been pacing ourselves.
And last night I asked, and I don't know how that question came to mind.
I asked about how he plans to celebrate Easter.
And the answer that I got from it was, I'm not religious.
And I didn't know.
Yes, exactly.
It's not any Sunday. It is like the high holiday of Christianity.
So I wasn't sure where to take it from there.
I just continued the conversation as nothing had actually bombed me internally.
But we had just discussed meeting in person because we are two hours away from each other.
So we were just discussing.
Was that the first time that faith had come up?
Yes. Well, I have mentioned that I go to church.
And on my profile it says it specifically that I'm a Christian woman.
Did he say he was a Christian?
He didn't. My profile says I'm a Christian woman looking for...
Yeah, yeah. I know. I know. But guys don't read profiles all the time.
Okay. So did his say anything about faith at all?
No.
All right. When that is... I'm glad you're bringing that up.
Because when a person, guy or girl, does not mention their faith at all,
that should be a yellow flag right off the get-go.
And before you get too far in, you want to ask those questions I was talking about
literally within that first phone call.
Because they've indicated nowhere that they have an active faith.
And so that's when you can ask the, you know,
what do you do in a typical week that takes up time that's important to you?
You know, what do you lean on when, you know, you go through hard seasons?
And if faith is not either one of those answers,
then you can actually be a little bit more blunt.
You can be like, hey, Brent, you know what?
I noticed that in my... you may not have realized it,
but in my profile I mentioned that faith is a big part of my life.
I've just told you how much it shows up.
I did notice that you didn't say anything about your faith in those questions
and you didn't mark it off.
Do you have an active faith life and what is that like?
And then the immediate answer is, oh, I'm not religious.
I will say this.
When someone kind of comes in, you can say,
I didn't ask you if you were religious.
I asked you if you had an active faith.
And so are you telling me that you don't have an active faith?
Because everyone, like, gets a little defensive.
Like, with the whole I'm not religious crap.
I will say this.
Usually for me, and I know Jackie has given different advice on this,
but I did online dating way more than she did.
I have learned that if people don't mark off Christian
and it's nowhere in their profile,
they are probably not an active believer.
And I know sometimes men don't like to get chased down
and so they don't put it on there.
And I'm not saying it doesn't happen,
but it means that you have to find out sooner than later.
So when you found that out, it is okay for you to say,
and it's okay for you to even have another conversation with him.
Like, in the moment, though, if somebody admits that,
you can say, like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I actually thought we were on the same page faith-wise.
I did not realize that.
I'm actually looking for somebody who has an active faith.
I don't need him to be religious, but he does need to have an active faith,
and he needs to be a believer in Christ.
And if that's not you, I'm so glad you were honest
and told me that before we even met in person.
And if he's like, is that a deal-breaker?
Yeah, it actually is.
Like, it gets to be a deal-breaker for you.
Sorry, go ahead.
So I would say, tell me why you would want to meet him in person.
Me?
Yeah.
Well, at this point, I was thinking, well, I want to backpedal.
So I guess I'm giving you permission to backpedal.
So here's what you can do.
You can call him up and say, you know what?
You said something that kind of took me aback,
and I did not have an immediate response.
So now that I've had some time to think about it,
I want to ask a clarifying question.
When I asked about faith and going to church on Easter,
you said that you weren't religious.
I need you to actually tell me a little bit more about what that means to you.
Does that mean you don't have any active faith at all
and that you're not a believer in Christ?
And if he says, well, no, I'm not, you can say,
well, then we're probably not right for each other, and that's okay.
But, like, I'm not here to defend the gospel.
I'm not here to prove anything to anybody,
but I do need to hang out with somebody
who actually believes the same way that I do.
And so I'm so glad that you were honest
before we even, you know, spent any more time going forward.
Right. Thank you.
Renee, the only thing, the other thing is that
because we've met through Facebook dating,
we have friends and we have common friends, right?
And we've figured out, like, we were in the same circles.
We lived in the same city.
right, etc. So the other thing that I was thinking was to have that conversation and
tell him we can be friends, knowing, okay. Well, I mean, here's the thing. I mean, I
don't know. Do you have room for more friends in your life? Do you have the capacity? My
only concern when we say this, you guys, especially at our age, I feel like you're closer to my
age than some of the young people here. I don't know that I had, I would have wanted
to make capacity for a male friend that I'm going to go hang out with that wasn't my boyfriend
because that's how I get stuck in a situationship. So you've met this person online. You could
say like, you know, hey, we can be Facebook friends, but we're probably not going to go
out one-on-one, you know? So what does that mean, be friends? Like you have acquaintances
like, hey, you know, obviously we have mutual friends, so we're probably going to run into
each other and it will be great to bump into you. That's what you could say. Things like
that. Like, you know, I realized we have mutual friends, so we may cross each other's paths.
I wish you the very best. If I see you, it'll be great to see you in person, but we're probably
not on the same page dating capacity. It is okay to say that. And I'm so glad you're finding
that out. And I'm glad you asked that because everybody else is hearing us have this conversation
about faith. Stephanie asked in the chats, how do you tell a guy that it is too early
for that spiritual intimacy? You just say it. Kind of like what Coach O said, you just
say it. Like, you know what you guys, I've just learned, you know, I've done enough dating
to learn that in those first early weeks that I'm not going to create emotional intimacy,
sexual intimacy, or spiritual intimacy. So we're just going to focus on getting to know
each other in our day-to-day life. Like in these first early weeks, we're just trying
to get to know each other. That's how you say it. I'm trying to make sure I don't create
too much emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy in the first few weeks when we're
just figuring out who we are. And again, you don't explain it. You just make a statement.
Okay. Let's see. David, did you have a question? Yeah. Oh no. The plane's coming. I live near
the airport. Damn. Dang. She killed us. David, are you serious? What airport? San Antonio?
Does San Antonio have an airport? Yeah. Yeah. It's like the seventh biggest city in the
country. I live near the airport, so the planes fly over my house constantly.
So funny. I used to live in an area of Nashville that was right next to the airport and I could
always hear the airports. Sorry. I just got on here because I was thinking about whether
to go to California for Live Action's Pro-Life Young Leader Summit. I don't know if I'm going
to go. It's on Saturday. I have friends that are there, so that's awesome.
You're going to go on Saturday? I used to run a pregnancy center for 20 years, so I have a lot
of friends that speak at those events and are a big part of that. So I don't know if they're going
to be there this weekend, but probably. I don't know if I'm going to go because it's too far.
But anyway, on secular dating apps, how do you make sure that they believe in no sex before
marriage? And me as a Catholic, I guess Protestants are allowed to use contraception including
condoms and all this stuff. And as a Catholic, we're not allowed to use any of it. So how do I
make sure? How do you not waste your time either? I've asked this a lot. Can you ask it on the app?
Do you believe in no sex? I will say this, and what I'm about to tell you lines up with what
Jackie would say, but I'm not telling you that this is what you have to do because some people
are very specific about this. Some people will put right in their profile, no sex before marriage.
They might say it right away. For me, I have found that in what Jackie has said is you have
the sex talk when the sex talk is appropriate to have. So when you're like a first and second date
with somebody, it usually is not a conversation that should, it's not a conversation I would have
with a guy at the grocery store. I would not go up to a cute guy at the grocery store and start
talking to him and go, oh my God, and he asks for my number. I wouldn't in the aisle, like in aisle
eight, I would not say to him, by the way, I don't have sex before marriage. I'm like, I just wouldn't.
That would be weird for me. I'm gonna find out how he feels about sex as I'm asking all of those
other questions. So some of those faith questions, that's gonna start to give me an indication. But
somewhere in date, believe it or not, people who are sexual are gonna let you know pretty
damn fast. Like I've had plenty of guys on the first date tell me, like, I will say this,
here's a good sign that they want sex before marriage. If they start talking about how their
spouse wouldn't have sex with them when they were married,
Well, I'm a very sexual person and the reason why my wife and I, or my husband and I, whatever,
is because we weren't having sex in our marriage.
If I'm learning about their sex or lack of sex life on the first date, it is probably
way too high important for them and they're probably going to want to have sex before
marriage.
So I've just learned that without actually even having to say it.
I want to say with Brian, we were probably video chatting for about a week when he was
on vacation and at the very end of the vacation, he basically said, Hey, I booked the same
trip with my family next year.
So maybe if we're still together, you can come.
And I was like, hold on there, bucko.
I even called him bucko.
Hold on there, bucko.
I was like, I don't do any trips with men that I'm not married to.
And I said, and by the way, since I might've already annoyed you, I might as well tell
you right now, I'm not going to have sex before I get married.
So I said it pretty quickly in, but the conversation presented itself.
So I find that if you have the right conversations early on, you can usually tell pretty much
right away.
So Jackie and I are not fans of it being in a profile.
We are not fans of, of talking about it before the first day or even on the first date.
But if the conversation comes up from the opposite person and it's important to them,
you're not going to ignore it.
The reason I mentioned it is because if it's brought up later than sooner, then that puts
a lot of pressure on me to uphold, to be strong and uphold chastity while I'm on the date,
if I'm weak.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, here's the thing.
So when you're going on discovery dates here, you're not supposed to be hugging her, touching
her, kissing her.
So there's no work that is going to be required of you to be the strong one.
So I would say I'm Protestant.
I believe in birth control, but I'm not going to be making, I would have not made it hard
for you, David, just because I wouldn't bring it up in the first date doesn't mean I'm not
like there's like every single, just so you know, and I don't know how new to the program
you are, but every woman in our program here pretty much all feels like you do.
We're not having sex before we get married.
That's pretty much the general consensus of everybody in the last year single program.
So I can tell you if you choose to try to date somebody in this community, she's on
the same page with you.
I'm talking about secular women because I'm on a lot of...
Well, then you shouldn't be dating secular women.
What are you doing?
Have y'all talked about that?
I joined the meeting late, but I mean...
Okay.
So we would definitely say, I mean, so that's my point.
Well, you can't always find a Christian woman on these apps.
I mean, I'm sure all these other people would tell you that on the call here.
I mean, it's kind of a luxury to be able to find Christians on all...
Well, that was another question I was going to ask.
I would say this, David.
There are about 500 women in this program.
Yeah.
All of them are believers.
All of them have an active faith life and all of them would love to get to know you.
Well, not all of them.
Whoever is fitting in your category of likes, there's plenty of women to write in this community
before you even go.
I mean, and I can't say that to the women in this group because there's only 10 of you
on the call.
There's only like 10 guys on the call at any given time.
But I can tell you that you wouldn't have to go further than this community to at least
start to have some really decent dates.
But no, you shouldn't be dating women who...
If you listen to the tape, I'm not going to repeat myself, but at the front of this session,
I talk about how to find out about their faith life quickly on.
If she has an active faith life, you want to find that out pretty soon and you don't
go past date one or two with her.
So you should not be missionary dating.
You should not be dating.
And there are Catholic women in this community as well.
So you are not the only Catholic.
I was raised Catholic.
I get what you're saying.
And so there are Catholic women in this community.
You can find out about their faith life pretty early on, and that will tell you where they
are, but we do not recommend missionary dating.
So I'm going to tell you, because to me, your bigger concern shouldn't be that she wants
to have sex with you.
Your bigger concern should be that she doesn't share the same faith in Christ that you do.
That to me would be your bigger concern.
Because if you both have the same faith in Christ, then you're both going to be committed
to that abstinence.
Did you talk about what apps that you recommend we be on?
Yeah.
I mean, and so what we've noticed is like, I met my husband on Facebook dating, Bethany,
who also runs the program, met her husband on Facebook dating.
But the common ones that we've heard that have been the most successful for people in
the community is Facebook dating, Hinge, Bumble, Holy, Upward.
Hinge and Bumble are all secular.
That's my point.
But there's plenty of Christians on there.
Like I have I went on.
Well, you have to.
Use the filters.
Yeah, and you have to ask the right questions early on.
I'm sorry I'm taking up so much time.
It's OK.
I mean, like, I actually think most of the women
here are actually appreciating your frustration.
Ladies, are we appreciating the frustration?
We didn't think there were guys out there.
I know how to ask all the right questions.
I just entered the meeting late.
So it's all good.
It's all good.
I'm the question master.
No, no, David, and you know what, I will say this.
Bring some of these other questions up on the Monday
call that you do with just the guys.
And sometimes I help that.
And I could be a lot more.
I can give you guys a lot more specifics on it.
So I'm so glad that you are here.
And I'm so glad you asked that.
OK.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, it's all good.
It's all good.
Hunter and then Nitin.
And then, yeah, we got about 15 more minutes left.
So Hunter and Nitin, you go up first.
Hunter, what you got?
Where'd you go, Hunter?
OK.
Is that better?
I can't see you.
But as soon as you start talking, you will eventually.
Yeah, I should see you.
All right.
So basically, I'm on the Arc app.
And I just see women come and go and swipe.
And I'm putting some things on there like,
I want someone who, and I put three things about women
that I took advice from the resume.
And then, let's talk about that's
my ordinary dialogue that I use.
And then I have this thing at the end that says,
you should not go out with me if,
and I assume this is me establishing boundaries,
like, you continue to hang out and connect with your ex.
Refusal to meet my family or peers
at the moment or last minute.
Refusal to be vulnerable and have any connection.
And refuse to be into pursuing me.
And I'm doing it on the initiative
because I will stop pursuing.
Wait, say that again.
So what's your question?
So is saying you should not go out with me
is establishing boundaries?
Wait, I'm sorry.
I'm still confused on your question.
Am I establishing boundaries with when I put this in,
you should not go out with me if?
Well, I don't like that.
I don't like that wording at all, Hunter.
I don't like that wording at all.
I want you to only put wording of what you're for
and what you want.
I am looking for this.
I am looking for that.
I want to date somebody in real life.
Like I didn't say, don't contact me
if you're not willing to meet me in real life.
I just said, I am on here to date in real life.
So you want to make sure your post sounds positive,
what you want, and then you kind of leave it be.
All right.
And then what about,
let's talk about where areas are you from and raised.
Tell me about your family.
When was the decision you made to come to Christ?
And what's the next on your bucket list?
Is that a good one or no, I need to improve.
We're getting really specific here.
So this might be better for the men's page
or the men's night, but I think that's a fine question.
Again, all you're trying to do, remember,
on your profile is to get their interest
and have a conversation with you.
And all you want to do is text a little bit
of information to get to a video call.
So I'm not a fan of like those really fun,
like, you know, those questions like that,
like I ask on a single spotlight,
those are good for live conversations.
I don't like those kind of ethereal questions for texting.
I just feel like those make great conversation starters
when you're live.
So you just want to get the basics out.
All right, Nitin, you're up.
Hey, Renee, how are you?
How are you, buddy?
I haven't seen you in forever.
I've been busy with work.
Okay, Renee, a quick, I'll keep my questions short.
So I'm a part of a spirit-filled Facebook group, right?
And I had the pleasure to talk to a couple of ladies
and within a few conversations,
we knew that this is like the distance or family situations
that is not going to work out.
But at other times I have reached out to ladies
just to, you know, get to know them, right?
And no response.
So when a lady ghosts you or doesn't respond to you,
how should I take that?
Move on?
Remember what I said way back to the front of the hour,
which is don't take it personal.
I will say this.
Here's what I can say to the ladies in this community.
And I'll say this to the men too.
We are in community together, right?
And it's awkward and it's a little more uncomfortable
to have us drop the hankies.
to you and you guys not respond.
Because then when we see you on the videos here, we're like, oh my gosh, so and so is
on here.
He like totally ghosted me from my like little dropping of the hanky thing.
So I would say, could we at least consider the courtesy to say, thank you so much for
reaching out.
I don't think we're a match right now.
That would be my thing I'm going to ask the men and the women in this community to do,
is if somebody from this community says to you, hey, I just saw you on the dating call
with Renee.
I, you know, I don't really know anything about you.
You just caught my eye.
I would love to have a conversation.
Are you open to that?
Now I will say this, I gave every guy a chance in this community that had the guts to do
that with me.
Cause I'm like, wow, that's a pretty brave thing to do.
I lead the classes.
That was a probably a hard thing to do.
I personally gave every guy in this community a chance.
Like I gave them a 10 minute phone call, like something.
But if you're like, oh my gosh, Renee, if I gave everybody a phone call, I would never
get anything done.
If you're getting hundreds of DMS, okay, fine.
So maybe you can't, the very least you can do is reply back and say like, hey, I really
appreciate you.
Like leave them better.
You know, that's when Jackie's a whole leave them better when they found them matters here.
Like, hey, you know what?
We're in this community together.
I want to give you a thumbs up.
Thank you so much for reaching out.
That was so sweet of you.
I really don't think that we're a good fit or the distance looks too much, or I just,
I just don't think we're a fit or I really, I don't have time for that.
At least they know you, they saw it and you actually said no.
But other than that is the rule of thumb and, and you know, like the whole message requests
and the DMS, like you guys, sometimes I don't even see those right away because they go
to a different section of your DM.
And so, so be paying attention to this after you guys do a co-ed session with last year
single check that section of your DM.
See if somebody has left you a message that doesn't show up in your regular section.
Try to not ghost them, try to at least give them a response back.
But that's the rule.
You guys, if we drop the hanky and they don't respond, it's not personal.
It feels personal, but it's not personal.
What was your other question?
Thank you, Renee.
No, last question.
Renee, I have, I generally, when I get on the calls, I see the ladies, the interaction
and everything.
If I'm interested, I generally reach out to the, via Facebook profile, send a message
and then add, add friend requests so that it doesn't end in their spam folder, because
that's the rule of thumb.
Otherwise they would, nobody knows if it's in the spam folder.
No, I have done that, but I've, in some of the cases I have not got, got a response.
Well, I will say this.
I don't, I don't accept friend requests to people that slip into my DMS, even from this
community right away.
So if you DM me and you say right off the bat, I'm in the last year single program with
Jackie, then people are going to know that it's you now.
So, and I would say this, and this is a good reminder though, Nitin, is that everybody,
you guys, you should be checking your spam section.
You should be checking your other section where it's the non-friend people after we
have these classes, because chances are somebody might be slipping into your DM that you're
not even realizing.
So let's all be responsible.
Let's check our spam periodically.
Let's check that other section periodically, but Nitin, don't feel offended by that.
Like I don't, I don't accept a lot of friend requests because for me, I'm like, I don't
know if I want to be your friend yet.
Like I haven't even decided if I want to talk to you.
So I know you're thinking it's going to actually help you, but it actually doesn't.
I could be wrong.
That's just my opinion.
Natasha, what you got?
Thank you, Renee.
You bet.
Hi, Renee.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
Good.
Thank you.
I'm just going to say something right away.
You have really good energy.
Your smile is contagious.
Oh, thank you.
Very warm in the first 10 seconds.
Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I wish I could put that through in my online profile, which doesn't exist anymore because
I actually took a break.
I was on them for a year here in New Zealand.
I find it quite challenging, so I kind of took the approach after your session on dating
in the wild.
So just engaging in social events and single mingle events in the community and just getting
out, you know, going to like, my friend likes to go to the brewery.
So going out to things like that, just being out where men are in the wild.
But now what's interesting is here in New Zealand, and everyone says this, people who've
grown up here.
I haven't grown up here.
I've just lived here for six years.
I'm from Botswana originally.
And people keep saying, you know, Kiwi men do not go after women.
What kind of men?
Kiwi men.
New Zealand men.
Oh, okay.
They don't actually typically.
They don't, so you kind of have to drop the hanky quite a bit
because they don't, they will not approach you.
Even if you're out in the wild,
even if you're looking fabulous,
they're just not going to approach you.
You kind of need to make the first move.
They don't, and I really struggle with that
because, I mean, where I grew up-
Did you hear how I said that though,
when I did this watch?
I'm gonna do it for you again.
Okay.
Natasha, I had such a great time talking to you.
I have no idea if you're even looking to date anybody,
but I would love to talk to you again
and get to know you a little bit more.
Here's my card.
It's got my cell phone and my email.
You might totally think I'm a psycho
and you might want to tear it up on the way out.
It is okay, but I just didn't want to lose this moment.
So here, take it.
It was so nice to meet you.
And then you just turn and walk away.
How did that feel?
Did that feel offensive or creepy?
Did I sound desperate?
Not to me.
And I mean, I'm confident enough to do that.
I just, I think you could pull it off.
That's why I'm telling you, you could pull it off.
That's why you guys have to have these business cards
ready to go or something.
You have to have something to be able to,
like, I know this probably sounds so crazy,
but I don't want to leave this moment
because you just have really good energy
or like, I really liked your smile.
I want to continue this.
I want to continue this conversation.
I'd love to talk to you.
And you guys, practice it on people of the same sex
if you feel like this is just so weird.
Like, oh my gosh, you are a girl
I think I want to have a glass of wine with
because my husband and I,
I started talking to some girls sitting next to us
at Sable Reserve, this little kind of like little distillery
and like her and I Facebook friended each other afterward.
So like, I think I want to hang out with her.
So it could happen with somebody
who's not somebody you want to date.
Yeah. Awesome.
Thank you.
I was awesome.
Okay. By the way, I'm glad you brought that up in the wild.
Cause I told you guys,
I was going to tell you where to go in the wild.
And I'm going to say it every time I talk to you every month
because I know some of you are like,
I don't want to meet online.
That's fine.
If you're not going to go online, you got to get out.
And here's where you do it.
Meetup.com always has meetup events.
Another app or another website is called
Events and Adventures.
Event and Adventures.
Also a great thing.
Jigsaw data, Jigsaw Dating.
Jigsaw Dating, I don't know how national it is,
but it is coming up on my Facebook feed left and right.
And they do a lot of mixers and speed dating
and they put them in age brackets.
It's about to be spring.
You can go to your local rec center
and join a pickup pickleball.
Look for events like March Madness.
Go to all of the sports bars during the day
and watch some good old fashioned basketball.
Go to festivals.
Go to street fairs.
Go to antique shows.
Go to farmer's markets.
Do swing dancing, line dancing.
Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity.
Volunteer on places that you care about.
Continue to tell your people that you're looking.
Continue to say to all your married friends,
never be afraid to invite me to picnics and parties
that you might invite other couples and single people.
The more people I get to meet,
the more I might meet somebody
who knows a single person for me.
So that's why you wanna go to your friends' parties,
even if you're the only single one there,
because you might meet a couple who's related to somebody
or is best friends with somebody who is single.
So you always wanna keep doing that.
So those are my suggestions on places
to keep meeting people out in the wild.
Um, okay.
Da, da, da, dum.
Is there any other question that is in the chat
that I missed?
Let's see.
Okay, I'm looking, looking, looking.
All right.
By the way, I'm really appreciating the kind comments
I'm seeing about Catholics.
I get very defensive of the Catholic Church
because some people here are super Protestant
and they're like, ah.
And so I love that y'all are like being so good about it
because we're all believers here.
We all have different denominations
and everyone's walk looks a little bit different.
And I can also say this to you guys.
You know, Jackie has talked about this.
Brian's faith is so much more flourished
than when we first started dating.
He already had a solid faith,
but like I'm watching him now and I'm like, oh, whoa.
Like, I mean, I've just been blown away
by how much he just needed.
When Jackie teaches the Divine Masculine and Feminine
in phase two, she talks about how women
are supposed to be the nurturer.
And she says that being a nurturer
is not caretaking for somebody else,
but it is.
is providing the soil for them to grow.
And so, ladies, sometimes we just need
to provide the soil for them to grow.
Men, same thing.
You just need to provide the soil for them to grow,
whether it's growing in their faith,
growing in them eating healthier,
and exercising, whatever it may be.
Ew, I love, I love all the stuff I'm seeing in here.
Any other final questions and thoughts?
Like, I want, and so, just so you guys remember
how it goes now for phase three.
At the top of the month, Jackie's always gonna do
her love seats.
She's gonna always bring fire and talk about
whatever the heck is on her mind.
And you can ask her any question about anything.
It doesn't have to be about dating.
The next week, Bethany's always gonna do advanced heart work
as it relates to anything that might be hurting
any of your kind of relationships,
whether it's a romantic relationship or a family.
And then mine's always gonna be billed as online dating.
But don't think you can't ask other questions
about dating here.
I'm really the person helping you get those early dates.
That's what I feel like I want you to know.
I'm here to help get those early dates for you.
So like, if you've not been out dating in a long time,
or you think there are not godly people out there,
I'm here to tell you there are.
And all that good stuff.
Okay, David, do you have another quick question for us?
Oh, I keep seeing people say,
a card, like a bit,
are you talking about a business card for your job
or for dating?
No, you can, not a dating card,
but you can have it be a social card.
Haven't you ever like, I mean,
it could be like just your name
and it can like have a verse that you like on it.
It could show all the sports that you're interested in.
Like David, like, I don't know what you do for a living,
but a lot of times people just have a card available
because they're networking.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I have a coaching card
that's for my coaching business,
but I like having them in my purse
because I never know, like,
I've literally met somebody, I'm like,
oh my gosh, I wanna go hiking with you.
Like, I've literally run into somebody at Trader Joe's.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I wanna be in that hiking group.
And I'm like, here's my business card,
which makes no sense,
but it's what's got my phone number on it, you know?
So I just have something to give them,
as opposed for me, no, you might be like,
cause you might wanna take the step of going,
well, tell me your phone number,
but then that feels a little weirder, right?
Like, cause somebody might go like,
I don't know if I wanna give you my phone number,
but if I'm doing a leave behind, then it feels less weird.
So it's just a suggestion.
I'm just throwing out ideas.
Not all of these ideas might work for you.
Some of these ideas that you might feel like
there's no way in heck,
I'm ever gonna hand out a business card.
But the card has your phone number on it anyway, right?
It does.
Here's, okay, some of you are like,
I don't want everybody to have my phone number.
I've got, you can have a Google number on there.
Here's what I didn't,
I realized it didn't matter that my cell phone was on there
because I ran a nonprofit for 20 years.
My cell phone was on that business card.
My cell phone, my business card is probably
in a thousand churches in the bathroom
with my stinking cell phone number on it.
So my business, my cell phone is out there.
It is out there for the world to see.
So I realized, once I realized that,
I'm like, Renee, you're hoarding your cell phone number.
Like it actually makes a difference.
You are Googleable and people can get to you
and your address faster than you realize.
So for me, it's just my real cell phone number.
Plenty of people here get a Google voice number
to use in there.
Okay.
Oh yeah, starting in April,
Jackie said she wants everybody coming camera ready
on camera.
Now I know some of you are coming from the office
or whatever, and you're not gonna be in there.
Lydia, great lighting, by the way.
Lydia Campbell, I said to tell you,
really great lighting girl.
The light is shining on you.
You're looking good.
I just have to say, cause you came right in my screen.
And so you popped out it to me.
And so take a look at yourself, you guys.
See if you see shadow kind of hiding your face or not.
See if you see like, you wanna make sure like,
and if you have a very neutral background,
like some of you are showing very blah, blah, blah
backgrounds, then make sure your outfit
and or something's got some pizzazz on it.
Cause you wanna make sure you pop out.
All right.
It is 8.37, I went, or 8.35, I went way too long.
So I'm gonna close us out in prayer.
It was so fun being with you all.
We'll be here every month.
It's all good.
All right, Father God, we just thank you so much
for each and every single person here.
We know that you are writing everybody's love story.
We know that everybody has intrinsic value and worth.
Everybody is an heir to the kingdom.
And so Father God, you want to give good gifts
to your sons and daughters, and you want us to be
in healthy, happy, holy relationships.
And so Father God, I just ask that tonight be
that whatever they're supposed to remember
and glean that they remember,
and whatever that is not of you,
Father God, they just forget.
And so we just thank you for this community.
We thank you for Jackie and David,
and we lift all of this up in the precious name of Jesus.
Amen.
All right, you guys, it was so fun.
being with you tonight.