Now we're working.
All right.
Good afternoon, ladies.
We've got...
There's not very many of us on today.
There's only seven of us.
Well, hopefully, we'll get a few more popping in here.
But it is good to see those that are here and on camera.
Always good.
I know Lovelette's at work.
Hey, Kelly, it's good to see you on as well.
All right.
What am I doing here?
Good question, right?
Awesome.
Okay.
All right.
Well, let's get started.
Okay?
We're recording.
This is Phase 2.
All right?
This is March 24th.
This is the 1 o'clock session.
I'm Carla Johnson.
I'm one of your coaches here at Last Year's Single.
It's so good to be here.
I'm going to go ahead and get started.
All right.
Let's get started.
All right.
Let's get started.
All right.
Let's get started.
All right.
Let's get started.
All right.
Welcome.
It's so good to be here.
It has been a week, y'all, it has been a week.
But, you know, some really amazing things are taking place.
I believe that God is just really, really showing up.
How many of you got to see or listen to the replay or got to be on Supernatural Saturday?
Anybody?
I see Michelle.
Michelle and Patty.
Gail, have you not gotten to watch the replay yet?
Definitely check it out.
Okay, I'm going to touch a little bit on that.
Y'all, God was speaking to me through that this week.
I have been intentionally spending a lot of time in prayer, more than I probably have
ever been in my life.
I always, you know, I'm always looking to be intentional with God.
And that's kind of part of my story.
For those of you that don't know me, I am a success story from this program.
I am married.
I am currently blending a family.
I've been married for almost, it's been two and a half years, actually.
Yeah, it's been two and a half years.
And came in the heart work in 2020 as a single and did the heart work.
Was here for a couple of years until I did get to meet my husband.
And then now I get to go through, you know, continue to get to go through heart work as
a married person, blending a family.
And so God's able to, you know, show me and reveal some things to me through what we do
here and what I was able to experience as a single.
And he's able to grow me into that relationship as well.
And when I share my experience of last year single, I always, it's always humbling and
personal to me because, yes, while we're all here because we want to be married and
that's definitely certainly why I kind of jumped in and joined, you know, at first I
was a little like, I don't know about this lady.
I don't know about this Jackie Dorman lady.
I don't know about this message that she's putting out here.
Like at the time it was called Married in 12 Months or Less.
And, you know, my, my beliefs were like, I don't know if that's very healthy to be
married in 12 months or less.
And, and so I had some, I had some heart work to do.
And, and then, you know, I was in here for more than 12 months, but obviously being in
the program and kind of learning what that entailed and how the heart work really was
the foundation of that and, and experiencing that myself, I understood exactly why, you
know, God led her to call it that.
And now we call it last year single.
So anyway, that has been a treasure for me.
It has been humbling.
It has been, you know, wonderful.
And yes, I am success story got, you know, got to be married and, you know, married now,
you know, I'm blending a family, but I always share with people that that is only just a
little bit of the fruit that comes from this program and doing the heart work.
Like God does so much more with this community and this program.
And one of the biggest takeaways that I got even before I met my husband.
Okay.
When I was in the process of doing heart work for the very first time.
Okay.
And I had been in therapy for like seven years plus when I joined probably like seven years.
I had been in therapy, okay?
And so I came into Jackie's program
with a good amount of therapy, okay?
And what was so abundant through this program
was that there was that tipping point.
There was that little bit of like grace,
that supernatural to it,
when I was able to supernaturally surrender.
And what happened is, yes,
I got to experience at some point,
eventually, I did get the husband,
I got the marriage, all that.
But before that, the intimate relationship
that blossomed with the Lord
was by far the biggest blessing.
And then came the fruit of this community
and the relationships that I built here
with several of the women, with Jackie,
with so many people in this community.
And then now I'm here in this program still
as a married and Jackie Kepney.
So now I get to pour into you
and get to be part of your story
and pour into you and it blesses me.
It continues to help me heal,
because I'm still doing heart work, y'all.
Marriage will have you doing heart work.
And so, and I sat here and I thought,
oh, look at this, like heart work in the beginning
brought me this beautiful relationship
with the Lord and this community.
And yes, I got this marriage now
and this blended family
and I get to do all these things, y'all.
And I just tell you,
God is still pursuing me
for a deeper relationship with him.
And this week I have really been so intentional
because he's been telling me
just how much I have needed more heart work.
And I'm like, I've been so resistant to it, y'all.
And I have had to really surrender this week to it.
And so Supernatural Saturday was such a blessing to me
and everything that's kind of going on in my life right now.
And I'm just so grateful and thankful
because I believe that what I get to experience,
I get to pour out to y'all.
And I believe that God doesn't just give us these things
for us to grow in a relationship with him.
But it's also for us to give it back.
And that has been just such an honor and a blessing.
And so it's just been very, very therapeutic for me.
It's been very healing for me.
And so this session I'm really looking forward to.
And like I said, the Supernatural Saturday
this weekend was really good.
So definitely check it out for sure.
And so we'll dive in today with what we'll get into.
And so that we'll unpack a little bit more real quick,
a couple of housekeeping,
and then I'm gonna go into prayer.
And then we are going to do about 20 minutes of teaching.
My goal is 20 minutes of teaching from insecurity,
going from insecurity into confidence.
Okay, so yes, in dating, but just in general.
Okay, so we're obviously taking it from a place of dating
because that's the phase we're in.
We came out of heartwork, okay?
But it is really centered around a heartwork, okay?
And so I really think that this session
is gonna be a blessing to y'all.
I think it really goes well with what Jackie shared with us
on Supernatural Saturday.
So I want to, first of all, is there anybody brand new?
I don't think so, to the community here on at this moment?
Anybody?
I don't think so.
Well, if there's anybody in replay, welcome.
If you are new, I've already introduced who I am.
So we're good there.
And you'll continue to know me.
I want to celebrate you ladies this week
for just continuing to stay engaged in this community.
I can't thank you enough, just the vulnerability
and the courage that it takes to show up.
And it really does matter.
It will benefit your
growth and healing and it also allows the other women in this community to
grow and heal as well. So I want to celebrate that. I want to thank you for
that. I want to keep encouraging you ladies to do that, okay? So if you if
that's something you've been working on and you've been doing that and you've
been putting yourself out there and sharing with the community on the on the
app and posting your stuff and you know I just continue to do that all right and
celebrate that okay because I know it takes a lot of courage to be able to do
that. If you are someone that still needs to work on that I want to encourage you
to do that a little bit more this week, okay? All right and so please please do
that. Myself and Ebony are you know we're working really hard to to stay up with
those so just because we might not respond immediately please don't let
that discourage you from getting in there and posting because we will see
every single one of those, okay? And so I know we've dealt with some of the
glitches and we you know I feel like we're getting a rhythm here we're
working those out and so I just want to keep encouraging you to do that. I also
want to gently remind you ladies to be in a season right now where you get to
receive, okay? I want you engaging with the ladies in the community. I want you
encouraging one another but I often sometimes see that you know it's very
easy especially if you're like me and you have like these gifts of being able
to like teach and counsel and and coach and and do all these things and give
good advice and you have a gift you have certain gifts that you just you can pour
into. It's easy for us to step into that role when we see that and we want to
kind of go and give advice, okay? And oh you know and pour into it and it comes
from a really sincere good place, okay? So I get it, believe me. I am of all people
totally understand that but I really want to encourage you ladies to sit back
and just receive right now, okay? That doesn't mean that you don't engage with
each other but I want you to be mindful of when you are responding to the to the
other ladies here in the community especially on the app that we are not
advice-giving. We're not saying, oh I do this or I learned this and this is what
I did and I think you should do this, okay? Myself and Ebony get to kind of do
a little bit of that, okay? That's what that's what we coach for, okay? We're
here to ask the questions. We're here to help help you ladies. You all are here to
just receive and take it in, okay? That's what you're here to do, all right? Now if
something that someone posts is like highlight something to you that it
touches you because it reminds you of something that God's highlighted in you
instead of commenting under their post with that, go and make your own post and
you can share it in the community. Hey, you know God highlighted this to me and
and then you share what God highlighted to you in what that person shared and
then we can see is God gonna highlight something in you that you can grow and
receive something from so that we're always sitting in a position of
receiving, surrender, what does God want to do in this season for us? So I want to
encourage that, okay? So please continue to do that. Please don't forget that we
do offer one-on-one coaching. It is an additional cost but if you feel like you
need a little bit more time to process things longer than what we're able to
give here on these group calls, okay? And obviously in the app we're there to
coach you as well. It doesn't mean that we're not here to coach you. It's just
sometimes some people need to be able to process for a long period of time. That
is me, okay? I'm an external processor and I use a lot of words to process
things, okay? Cherchelle knows. She gets it. I am an external processor. I need a
lot of that. So if that's you and you're just like, okay, I'm gonna need, I need to
just really get to the nitty-gritty of this and I need a 50-minute session.
I'm gonna just you know invest in that and
Sign up for a one-on-one coaching session. Those are offered. It's in the resource tab. Okay?
otherwise if that's just something again that you're like, I you know, I'm
Again financially you're like, I don't know then we're here to process it with you
It just may take a little bit longer
You might not be able to get a full like 50 minute like get it done right now. I am impatient and
And I use a lot of words so for me like those are things that like I need and so those are
available
For those reasons resources are available for those ladies that are very similar to me. Okay?
So again, those are in the resource tab. So, all right. I don't know if any of you ladies saw
My post the other day. I'm actually going to use that to pray from this morning
As we pray into this and then we're gonna get into our
coaching for
Today and then I'll take your questions and then I will
Gently remind myself to give you all your activation because I think I've forgotten to do that for several weeks
You forget to do the activation at the end. Yes, like thank you
Yeah, and I'm like, oh I forgot to mention the activation at the end of my call because we just get into the coaching part
and take in all the questions, so
We're gonna do that. So, all right
I'm going to use my prayer that God
released over me
The other day and so I'm gonna use that to pray us in and then we'll get started. Okay, so
Heavenly Father, I just I thank you as we step into this season
Lord that we open our hands and we surrender our hearts
Lord I ask that you use us and that you prepare us
Lord that you use me and that you prepare me in this season as well, or I thank you for the gift of
Being able to pour into these women. I thank you for each and every one of them that you've brought them here
Lord, and I just I
Can't thank you enough for their hearts and their openness and their vulnerability
Lord I ask that you not only make me ready, but you make them ready
For all that you have for us to receive not just on this call today, but just moving forward
Lord I thank you that
We don't have to fear the clouds the rain
That those are a sign of abundance and provision and growth
That you use that rain to grow the seeds that have been planted
That the tears that we have sown
That you don't waste a single one
You see them all and you use them to bring healing growth and restoration
Lord, I thank you that you don't leave our side that you meet us in every single season
That we can come to you exactly as we are
That you heal us restore us you are you strengthen us and you renew us
You don't do this just for ourselves
But you do this so that we can pour into each other as well
And Lord, I thank you for that opportunity that you've given me and I thank you that you've given each and every one of these
opportunities for these women as well
Lord, I ask that you fill us today with humility and vulnerability
That you allow us to use every single part of our story for the glory of your kingdom
Lord, I ask that you bring forth deep meaningful connections
You open fields of rich sweet abundant fruit for all of us to enjoy
Lord, I thank you for the endless harvest that you allow us to step into
The grace that you give us to gather things that we didn't plant and that we are reminded of your goodness
Is always going to be greater than what we imagine and I thank you for that in Jesus name
Amen
All right
Teaching from insecurity to confidence. So I'm going to move through this as quickly as I can
So keep your questions get a question raise your hand. We will definitely take those at the end of here
My goal is for us to
Be able to
I'm going to give the information and then I want at while I'm going through
Be able to
be able to
this teaching I'm going to hopefully ask for you ladies to go through and
be able to
process some of this on your own and then it will lead into our activation as
be able to
well okay so we're gonna start here so most times we think about confidence
especially in dating we think it's got to look like in order for me to be
confident in dating it has to mean I'm not bothered by things I don't overthink
things and I'm I'm walking into dating in completely secure okay we look at our
attachment styles and you know many of us okay I know there's a few of you that
taken that attachment style quiz which is in the resource tab and you know
there are a couple people that they'll take that attachment style and they get
secure attachment alright and for those of you that take that good for you not
all of us get that okay oh you know I'm speaking to those ladies that don't or
for us that don't that don't get the secure attachment we love you ladies
that get secure attachment but some of us are probably like mmm must be nice
alright but not all of us have that secure okay some of us have anxious
attachment some of us have avoidant attachment I myself have a little mixture
both okay so um so yeah um the reality is that not all of us are secure
attachment okay so that's not real that's just not realistic that doesn't
mean that we cannot step into some secure attachment okay but I want us to
just think okay I'm gonna go into this dating situation and just because I've
had heartwork does not necessarily mean I have to show up and have to look a
certain way in order to be confident in this and if I mess up or if I don't look
a certain way if it doesn't turn out a certain way then it must mean I'm not
good at this dating thing or I must not be ready for dating right and that's
just not true okay all right that's just not real um confidence doesn't mean that
there is just no absence of insecurity whatsoever like that there's just not an
absence of insecurity like you can still be confident and have some insecurity and
I want you ladies to understand like what that looks like so it's
understanding what your insecurity your insecurity is pointing to okay so that's
the goal it's not saying I can't be confident and insecure at the same time
it's I can be confident because my insecurity is pointing to me to
something that God wants me to work on
this is the truth your triggers are not the problem
the triggers are just a signal
your triggers are not the problem it is a signal that there is a problem and God
wants you to partner with him to heal it
so guess what ladies you're in that you're in this season of going through
the hard work and guess what we tell you when you step into dating you're gonna
get triggered some of you are gonna not want to do the dating because it is
going to trigger you so you're just gonna avoid the dating altogether you're
afraid of it you're just not date because freaks you out y'all that was me
for a little while I didn't date because I didn't date for a good solid year when
I was in this program that was part of my avoidance I was anxious and avoidant
so my avoidant came in and then once I started getting into my avoidant then my
anxiousness comes in okay and now I'm in marriage so now I get a little bit
both okay so it's about learning what that can look like what do those
triggers actually point to and so some of you are like I'm not gonna date
because I'm avoiding that I can't be confident today
So we got to look at that and then some of you are going in and dating because
There is like this anxiousness like I got I got a date something. I got to get some validation
I got to get something I'm missing something. And so I need to fill it. I
got to attach anxiously and
So then we're insecure and we second-guess like oh, does he like me? Does he not like me?
Why isn't this moving fast enough all these like anxious stuff starts showing up
So you'll see I see women coming in here. Some of them are just like hmm. I can't I'm not dating
I can't get a day that uh, you know
I see that and then I see
women that are just jumping date after date after date and finding all the flags all the flags or and they're like
Why is this not working? And then they're like
Overdoing it like they're an overload. Okay, the
Relationship is going to do that relationship is going to
Trigger you okay one way or another you're either gonna avoid it or anxious and if you're secure, oh great
again
Us ladies that are not secure and don't operate that so nicely and we're still learning how to do that in our heart work
We're side-eyeing you just a little bit
Okay, we love you, but we are side-eyeing because it's so, you know, we're being triggered. That's what it is. Okay
Don't don't take offense to it and you're secure so you're not gonna take offense to it
But us ladies that are not superior. We're probably like
Must be nice
All right, so that's what that is there it's your triggers are not are not the problem
It's just a signal that there's some healing that needs to get done
Okay, so you got to do that healing part in that heart work part without the dating
And so now you're stepping into this dating part. It's gonna bring some stuff up. Okay, and guess what ladies?
Your marriages are going to probably bring some triggers, too
I am experiencing that right now
Okay, it doesn't it doesn't mean it's horrible I
Am thankful that I have this community and I have this teaching that I have done this work
So that I'm like, oh I know what this is
But as someone who has gone through this program
For two years before I met my husband and now I'm two and a half years in y'all
Let me just tell you do the preparation now
Really surrender it now because it is going to come up in marriage
You're gonna want to do as much as you can
To heal yourself do not neglect and avoid the things that God is trying to show you in this dating season
Please
Don't avoid it if you're gonna avoid it don't avoid it. I
Wasn't avoid it and there's some things that I will I am going to be transparent
There were a lot of things that I avoided and now I'm I can't not avoid it
You can't avoid it in marriage, especially when you have children
And I got children that have trauma
It's just the truth, okay
So
That's that
I'm spending a lot longer time on that than I wanted to so I'm gonna move right along
Okay, so the root the root is the heart issues. That's beneath the insecurity
Okay, so that is I gotta make sure I get to my spot here, um
You don't just react
To what's happening?
It's not just a reaction to what is actually happening. You're reacting to what it means to you
What does it mean to you
What happens it means something to you?
It's connected to something that's happened
Some something okay, it's cuz y'all everyone in here
Can be put in a situation the same situation and all of you will respond differently a
Delayed text if I ask you ladies
How how do you respond to a delayed text every single one of you is gonna have a different
response
Same situation different response
Someone's tone
With you
You're gonna have a different response
Then
everyone in here. I'm going to get transparent here. Tones are a trigger for me. Someone's
tone sends me a message and gets me really into my feelings. And that has been a challenge
to explain to my husband. His tone sends me messages. I understand that they are not what
he's trying to say, but the tone he takes sends me a message. And then I react and then
my reactions trigger him y'all. And we go in this cycle. Okay. It's learning. It's not
the thing that's happening. It's what is, what does it mean? And so if I'm not willing
to go look and search, what does this situation mean to me? I'm not going to be able to get
out of that pattern. If he doesn't go and look at his stuff and his trigger, he won't
get out of that pattern. We both have to come together. Y'all, when you get in a relationship,
you got to have two people doing that. So right now y'all are single. You're only doing
you. So work on this now with yourself because the reality is not a lot of men are going to go
and be getting this kind of work. The reality is not a lot of men go do this stuff. And I know
we're all like, Oh, well then I'm now I'm going to put these standards. This man has had to go
through the heartwork. Y'all I wish it was that easy, but that might not be your love story.
Wasn't mine. Now that my husband do some work. Absolutely. He did. Okay. But he didn't have the
same level that I did. And even then, like, clearly I avoided a lot. So that's what I'm
saying. Like, let's get into this habit. I really want to pull this out of you. I really want this
to sink in with you ladies. Okay. So why this, I think this teaching is going to be so good. I
think this is going to become one of my new favorite teachings basically. Okay. So we're
all going to have these different reactions to different situations because it means something
different. You know, one person can stay grounded and be like, Oh, well that doesn't phase me. A
changed tone doesn't phase me. You know, my husband, like to him, he's like, your tone might
not trick my, my tone might not trigger him. I know my emotions do my like over emotions do. So
if his tone triggers me and then I allow my emotions to get in, Ooh, that's just not a good
combination. And so he, certain things won't trigger him. Certain things will trigger me. So
again, one person could stay grounded and secure with something, and that might make someone else
spiral. Okay. So a tone might trigger you where another woman in here is like, well, the tone
doesn't trigger me. It's someone raising their voice to me or not. Actually, that's still a tone
thing. I'm changing their plans. Someone who's not a planner. That's probably a better one. That's
when I get a lot to the guy doesn't plan. And that's, that's what, like, I'm a planner. So
people that don't make plans, like, I don't care. People don't make plans. I've been, if you, if
you're not a planner, then I just want you to follow my plan. That's fine. You don't want to
plan. No, no problem. Just follow mine. If you don't want to plan or you don't want to follow my
plan, then guess what? You're going to need to plan yourself because I'll follow your plan. You got
a plan. I'll follow your plan. I am one of those people y'all I can go. I am a planner, but I love
it when someone else takes charge. I went to a retreat with a bunch of women at church. Y'all
some women that just could not deal with the fact that like they were told what to do when to go to
bed like what like it was scheduled i mean there was a reason that they did it this way and i'm
like maybe we couldn't have our cell phones y'all and some of these women were losing their minds
and i'm like y'all take it take it i don't have to be in charge of something let's go i need a break
i'm down i'm ready for the lord yes i get uninterrupted time with the lord bring it i
will follow what y'all i had i was one of the people that had to sleep in the room with eight
other women there's some women that were like i have to share a room excuse me i was like and some
of them they got the they got the room with like two other people and they got the big giant king
bed and i'm like y'all i got i had the bunk the top and i was cool with it y'all i was like
you just tell me where to go and i will i am happy happy happy
okay like that don't bother me if you if you don't if you if you you want a plan
you go for i will follow your plan but if you are someone
that doesn't want to follow my plan yet
you won't plan oh we got problems that gonna be a trigger for me
all right so it's it's learning these things and so um our internal beliefs
and unhealed places of our heart is why this happens
okay and a lot of these are just their their roots okay and those common roots are the fear of
abandonment the fear of not being chosen feeling not enough feeling too much
there's fear of rejection fear of i think i said fear of not being chosen
fear of rejection fear of i think i said that fear of abandonment rejection and
then i think there is one more i think there's like the three
but let's just go with where i'm at because i don't want to take up
any more time than i know i'm kind of stretching this here
um but y'all these these don't start in dating
so all of you that are you know you're jumping into dating
y'all this didn't start here it didn't start in dating it really didn't it didn't start in your
relationships in the past you know or per se okay now are some of your past relationships pouring
into the dating experience yes y'all i went when i went through heart work i did a lot of my heart
work i did a lot of my heart work through like a lot of my childhood stuff
and now as i'm in marriage i'm realizing a lot of stuff is surfacing from my past relationships
where i'm like well i did some of that work with my my childhood there are still some deeper layers
of my childhood that you know i'm realizing were in the past relationships that are now kind of
coming into what i'm experiencing now and so i'm having to kind of dig into my past relationships
and how i showed up there and what patterns got created in past relationships and fears
and things that kind of surfaced and belief systems that formed there and then look at those
and see how those got formed even in my childhood now luckily i've done a decent amount of heart
work in my my child my child stuff that when i look there at my childhood stuff like it it's not
as it's not like that heart surgery like when we all went like you know when you first time first
time you go through heart work some of you ladies might just be recently out of heart work
like the first time going through heart work y'all
like jackie shares in the book like it's like scheduled heart surgery all right i promise you
it doesn't have to be like that every single time you recognize an area that needs some healing
a lot of times it's only like that when we typically avoid it when we avoid
addressing it because then the
Problem just grows which means we need a bigger surgery
Like sometimes it's just going there
The doctor just needs a little fix something or give you a little little medication and you're good
but if we avoid that problem
And
Continue to like not ignore it
It's gonna create a bigger problem and eventually the doctor is gonna be like yeah, you're gonna need surgery
You're gonna need to be put under some anesthesia
like
Y'all do not get to a point
Where you stop avoiding and you neglect it
Do the work now and and some of you like there's gonna be some stuff. It's not gonna be fun
All right, but we're in this community where we get to experience this and be here for each other
Like this is such an amazing opportunity
Like what a gift
Like I'm so blessed and so thankful for Jackie and David and what they've what they've created here
y'all I like I
Would not be where I'm at if it wasn't for them
I wouldn't and I'm so thankful for it
It is absolutely amazing
And
Y'all like I still am leaning on Jackie and David and you know
Others in this program to help me through this season now. I'm so blessed
It's such a beautiful thing
So don't allow that to pass you by when these things get brought up like I really want you to embrace it
so
These these things don't start in dating the dating is going to reveal them
Okay
And it's nothing to be scared of
Alright, so how might this in insecurity show up and how does it feed your triggers? Okay, there's I'm gonna do five
I'm gonna go through this quickly because again, I want to want to get through this
You might overanalyze everything and if someone wants to type these in the chat for me
Because I know I'm gonna have to rush through these quickly
So then that way for if I'm rushing too fast people can
Can catch them in the chat?
over analyzing everything
So for example, like why is he why hasn't he texted? Did I do did I say something wrong?
The trigger is there's like an uncertainty you're unsure
You don't know what's going on
The root that that's the trigger
The root is you lack internal security
The trigger is uncertainty the root is you don't feel secure inside
Okay
So if you're over analyzing everything that's we want to get to that root second
Seeking constant reassurance
That needing validation
Wanting clarity too early like you need to know where this is going
like
Where is he? Where's he at? Like what?
What page is he on?
like y'all are
Y'all y'all haven't even met on a date you don't even know like y'all haven't met in person
Or maybe you've had one or two dates and you're still like
I don't know
He's got this divorce and da da da da. Well, well
Hold hold up like you just met him
Okay
We don't need to to quickly get it. You know, it's about pacing
Okay, the one in clarity is super early
Feeling anxious without affirmation like there's no affirmation. So it's making you anxious
Okay, so
You're needing validation wanting clarity feeling anxious because you're not getting out affirmation
There's this you're needing reassurance the trigger might be this silence or space
Okay, that's that's the trigger
There's silence or space because there's not reassurance there
That's the trigger the root
Might be this fear of not being enough
I need reassurance because I might not be enough
I need to be reassured
So I can then that kind of
to me goes back into, I need to feel secure about that.
Okay?
Some of these can all kind of like mingle.
I'm just giving you some examples.
Number three, comparing yourself to others.
If you're someone that, you know,
you compare yourself to their ex,
especially for someone that might want
to bring up their ex all the time.
Again, if someone's bringing up their ex all the time,
I'd be like, hmm, let's look at that.
Okay?
For some women, like that doesn't bother them.
Some women, that would be a trigger.
And that's okay.
Some of those triggers, I would,
if it doesn't trigger you,
you got someone's bringing up his ex all the time,
we gonna look into that.
We're your blind spots over here.
We're your coaches and we're gonna be your blind spot.
But I won't know what's going on if y'all don't tell me,
hey, this is what we were talking about on our date.
Some of y'all come in and tell us what's going on.
Like when you're like a month into this date
and now you got some gas leaks.
It happens, all right?
And it's okay.
We love you.
If it just, it will happen.
If you've done it, don't worry.
We're here for you, okay?
Just don't not share it with us
because now you're like worried.
Oh my gosh, I didn't come in here
and share this and now it's exploded.
Like now there's all these gas, it's okay.
Look, we're all here to learn.
We're all here, like we all make mistakes.
We're all like, it's okay.
So, you know, maybe he's comparing,
you know, he's constantly bringing up his ex
and you're comparing yourself to his ex.
There's other women, there's social media.
I know a lot of y'all, you go on their social media
and y'all go figuring out who are they following.
You know how many ladies I have seen?
Hey, I met this guy like on Instagram
and I looked at who he's following.
He is following a lot of really risky women.
Okay.
Yeah, might be a red flag,
but let's really get to the root
because the trigger is this competition,
this perceived competition.
Like they are looking at other women,
that there is some competition there, that it's unhealthy.
If y'all are going and searching for that
and there's like, and you're like,
I don't know, that's a red flag for me.
You're right, like we can discuss how that is a red flag,
but if you're hyper-focused on that
and y'all are sitting there combing through,
it may be a red flag and we might release him,
but we're gonna need to address this root
of having an identity that's insecure
because it's gotten you to a point where it's freaked you out.
Now, some of you will see it and just be like,
oh, yeah, I'm not attracted to that,
and you'll move on and that's fine.
You'll see that and you'll be like, I'm okay with that
because it doesn't stir anything,
but the ladies that that doesn't trigger,
those are the ones that don't bring it up.
I don't hear about those because they've moved on
and they haven't allowed that
to create discouragement in them.
They've allowed, like the women that struggle with that
are the ones that that's created a discouragement in.
If it's discouraging to you,
then there's probably a root there.
There's probably some healing.
The root would be an identity of insecurity.
It's probably like a rejection.
You might be too much, not enough,
which is also, that kind of goes,
the too much, this is actually,
goes into the next one.
Number four is like you're overgiving and over-functioning.
You're doing too much too soon.
That's a lot of, that's,
a lot of anxious attachers will do that.
They all remember names,
because there's a lot of negative space
over yummy 👧‍🌶‍🌶‍🌶‍🌶‍🌶‍🌵‍ like little candy monsters.
Then number five.
Remember, I'm both.
Something that comes up at the end of a good deed
is that God can forgive,
I have this fear of not being enough,
but anyway,
about being rejected,
because I'm not enough.
And then I also have this, I'm too much.
Whoo!
So I relate to all of you ladies.
All right, so the next one is like,
you might show up over giving and over functioning.
You might be like, so like I said,
doing too much too soon, trying to win somebody over,
trying to please, this is my people pleasers.
Okay, I'm a people pleaser.
Might try to be fixing everything.
I'm a fixer, y'all.
I have this gift of being able to come in
and I have a strong gift of discernment and wisdom
and just being able to see things
and like, I'm a great organizer, I'm a great planner.
And so I'd come in and be like,
oh, I see what needs to happen.
And I can come in and I can fix and sort it all out.
But I see that and I'm like, well, oh, let me help.
Let me do this helper gift, this leader,
like this, I can do this.
And y'all, it gets overextended.
And then I get into this operating
in this unhealthy place, okay?
Because now I'm sitting here, I got to fix.
I got to do, I've got to perform.
And the trigger might be,
because if I don't, they might leave.
I might lose them.
They might fall apart.
Y'all, I was in a relationship in my 20s
where I was in a relationship with a drug addict,
an alcoholic, severe drug addict.
Very, very severe.
And I had a very, I mean, back then I was a,
I mean, codependent, people pleaser, very insecure.
Like I needed, like I had to do so much to help and fix.
And it was like, I could never, it was just a lot.
Because I, and then the root was like, it was my,
I had to earn it.
I had to earn the love.
I had to fix.
It was my responsibility.
So that's the root.
Like you might believe you have to earn love.
Your belief might be, it's my responsibility.
I have to earn it.
I have to fix it.
I have to earn it.
So yeah, kind of like abandonment, like,
yeah.
And so it's recognizing these things
as they show up in relationship,
now that we've got heartwork and we can,
and now we can sit here and be like,
oh, this is what's going on.
And when we recognize it, y'all,
we see what we're attracting.
Y'all, if these relationships in these situations
that you're finding yourself,
I want you to, like, these things are gonna surface.
When you find yourself in these things,
allow them to surface because guess what?
It's just an opportunity for God to come in and heal you.
And guess what?
You're gonna get in relationships with some people
that they themselves have stuff too.
Y'all, I'm in a marriage and my husband's got stuff
he's gotta work on too.
It doesn't mean that I married the wrong person.
It just means that God brought us together
because we both have some healing to do.
I'm not responsible for my husband's healing.
My husband's not responsible for mine.
We are both in a commitment
and in a relationship that we both committed to.
Before God, a covenant we've entered
and a promise that we, God is our center.
God is our center.
and therefore we take it to the Lord. I have a vow to my husband that I will I
will go to God and that's who I go to for my source. I trust that he's gonna
do the same thing and y'all that's the kind of healing that you want to enter
into when you all are dating and these things will allow you when you enter
like y'all are gonna have stuff that comes up in dating. Y'all I will tell you
we had this stuff when we were dating and I'm gonna be honest I neglected a
lot of it out of my own fears and insecurities. Now it doesn't mean like I
said it doesn't mean that I married the wrong person it just means that now
we're in marriage and we're blending our kids and now it's we got some stuff
to work on and that's okay. I'm just thankful that I have a husband that
wants to do the work.
That's what we want you ladies entering into relationship with and that's why
when these things surface is if you bring them to us we can help you
navigate those and the goal is let's give you tools so that you can bring
them to the table with the person that you are getting to know to see how they
respond. Are they gonna show up mature marriage-minded and masculine? Is that
how they're gonna show up? They're not gonna be perfect y'all they're gonna
have yellow flags. Okay okay the last one reacting emotionally instead of
responding intentionally. So this is like you're pulling away or maybe you're
clinging. You get upset quickly. The trigger is perceived rejection but the
root is unhealed emotional wounds.
This is taking way longer than I thought but I really think that this is going to
be really impactful. I hope y'all are getting some good stuff out of this. I
really really do.
Did we get the last one number five and I will post these in the I'm gonna post
these in the community because I do think once we can unlock this I think it
will really take y'all's dating to the next level. It really really will because
this really it's all centered on heart work. It's all recognizing and you can't
recognize all of this until you start getting into the dating. Okay and some of
us you know we still need a little time and if that's you and you're not in like
you're not dating yet or yeah that's fine like we're here like you don't have
to be dating right now but we want to get you there. Okay so this is now how
you can reframe some of those triggers and these aren't these aren't random. Okay
so instead of asking you got a shift so instead of asking why is he making me
feel this way. I tell my kids all the time like I have a my youngest son I
remember when he was in preschool he got in trouble and he's like well they they
were doing it they were like throwing something over like the playground fence
well mom they were doing it and I'm like well just because they were doing didn't
mean you have to do it well well and I was like did they make you do it he's
like yeah and I'm like no they didn't no one makes you do anything you choose
guess what God gave y'all free will we all have free will we get to choose so
instead of saying why is someone making me feel this way we're asking what is
this revealing in me I am I responding this way what's this showing me y'all
hear me say all the time you'll keep hearing me say all the time
When you get in these dating situations, if you look at every single dating situation
as an opportunity for growth, you will get so much out of this community.
What is this revealing to me?
If you find yourself in this constant pattern of just, you know, disappointed relationships
or disappointed dates.
Y'all, I went through so many first dates, guys just were not, like, going on second
dates with me.
A lot of them, I couldn't even get them to go on dates with me, okay?
And that was identity stuff that I had to get to, okay?
So those are things that we can look at.
Where was I at?
Why is this revealing?
Like, what is this revealing to me?
Because your triggers are highlighting beliefs, exposing wounds, and revealing where your
healing is needed.
So for example, if he's taken a lot, like a guy that you're dating is not responding
to you quickly, like, I haven't heard from him, what's going on?
And this is just an example.
Some of you ladies might not struggle with this, and that's fine.
There's other things.
Like, I'm not just pointing out one thing and you're like, oh, that doesn't work.
That doesn't happen to me.
No, this is just an example, y'all.
I want you really assessing how do you get triggered, okay?
So this is just an example, okay?
So he takes too long to respond.
That trigger is just anxiety.
You've got an anxious trigger, okay?
And you are interpreting it, oh, he's losing interest.
I'm not enough, okay?
Now, however you decide to react, that's, again, you've got to recognize how do you
respond to it, okay?
What's it saying, okay?
So you're like, oh, he's losing interest.
Well, really, the deeper truth is, I just don't feel secure.
I'm not feeling reassured right now, therefore, I don't feel secure.
So it's not the fact that he's not responding.
It's a heart issue that I'm not being reassured.
And is it that person's job to reassure you?
Where's the truth?
Where do we get our worth and our reassurance?
Yes, Sarah Shell, you get it from the Lord.
We've been lied to by things that have happened in our lives, where the enemy has planted
these seeds of deception and distraction and all these things, and we've allowed all these
events in our life to create these belief systems that we now operate in.
We want to go to the Lord and be like, okay, this is what you're, so the Lord's like, okay,
you're operating in this, and this is what's showing up.
Are you going to come to me now and recognize what it is that you're doing and how you're
showing up and what you're believing?
And do you want to come to me and partner with me so I can show you the truth and I
can help you navigate this?
So he can help you put in position and he can sit there and say, here, this is what
I have for you.
Let's work on this, because y'all, he's not keeping any blessing away from us.
He is a good dad.
A lot of times we're keeping it from ourselves, and sometimes he's keeping it from us because
he's like, I can't give this to you because if I give it to you, you're not, like, you
might not, it's going to get destructive.
This might not be something that you can carry.
Y'all, you're not going to give keys to a brand new Mercedes to a five-year-old.
Five-year-old can't drive.
Y'all, I ain't giving that to myself.
16-year-old, I ain't giving an expensive car
to my 16-year-old.
We're not even allowing my 16-year-old
to drive my Honda CRV, y'all.
And that thing has been on a couple accidents.
I'm still not letting my teenage son use that car.
We're like, no boy, you're gonna save up money
and you won't get a truck, like an old, old truck.
You won't learn how to drive in that.
You ain't using my car.
Like, why would we get, why, sometimes, why, what?
God's not gonna, it's because he loves us
and he cares about us.
He's not gonna give us something
that we're just gonna like, ugh,
like not be able to have the capacity for.
The third belief was, let me get back to my notes here.
Revealing where healing is needed.
So it's more or less saying, okay,
there's a deeper truth, there's a heart issue there.
So it's allowing that to come to surface.
And so now, we're going to,
the big part of this teaching now
is how to build real confidence.
Step one is identify the belief behind the trigger.
So you're gonna ask yourself, what am I afraid this means?
What story am I telling myself?
So when you recognize a trigger or a response to something,
what am I afraid this means?
What is the story that I'm telling myself?
You've gotta be able to identify what the trigger is
and what you're believing.
So we come on these calls
and we do the group coaching
and that's where I typically fall short
because I'm always taking so long
to go through these teachings.
But y'all, this, what I'm teaching y'all right now,
if we can get a hold of this,
we are going to be able to really unlock
a lot of growth in phase two.
We really are.
If we could start activating these patterns
of recognizing and being able to how to build
this confidence in dating,
oh my, like y'all, is this gonna be,
y'all are, it's gonna be good.
Your dating experiences are gonna be good,
which I believe then your marriages
are gonna be really good, okay?
It's just gonna be awesome.
So you gotta be willing and able and surrender
to the uncomfortableness of being able to identify
the trigger and what's really behind it.
What are you believing?
Because that's where the transformation is going to start.
The second thing you do is you've gotta challenge the lie
because most of these insecurities
are built on distorted beliefs,
past experiences and false conclusions.
And like we gotta go and replace those things with truth.
You gotta be able to figure out what lie you're believing.
It's time to get honest with ourselves.
This is the vulnerability part.
This is where you've gotta start owning your stuff.
Y'all, this is Holy Spirit right here.
We gotta stop sitting here
and picking apart what the men are doing
and we gotta start looking at ourselves.
This is number two, challenge the lie.
Because we gotta be replacing the truth.
We gotta be able to get honest with ourselves
so that we can really get to the root.
So I'm gonna challenge you ladies,
those of you that are dating,
if you are someone that's constantly focusing
on what the men are doing wrong,
you've gotta be able to get honest with yourself.
You've gotta be able to get honest with yourself
it's time to start looking in the mirror.
That's going to be a hard one for some of you to hear.
Y'all, that would be me.
Y'all, I'm saying this and it's because I have to hear it for myself.
I'm going to be real with y'all.
Doesn't mean that there are red flags and you're not paying attention to red flags,
or that you're not going to see yellow flags,
and that you're not going to bring them here.
You can still bring them here,
but we're not going to sit there and focus so much on
the other person's red and yellow flags that we're not looking at our own.
Y'all, I'm getting like mama bear here.
I'm getting mama on some of y'all.
I think some of y'all need to hear this.
I love y'all. It comes from this place of love.
Y'all, I'm saying this because I'm saying it to myself.
I'm having to get really hard on myself right now.
It's time to start looking at your own stuff.
Start looking at your own stuff.
Because now number 3,
it's time for you to do your heartwork.
Y'all thought you got out of heartwork and face one.
You get to do heartwork in here too.
Yes. All you ladies that are like,
I think I need to go back to heartwork. Can I go back?
No, because we're going to do heartwork with you in here too.
I'm excited to do heartwork with y'all.
Number 3, it's time to get your heartwork pants on.
You don't take those off.
You're not going to go do heartwork and put your heartwork pants on,
and then step into phase 2 and then go take those pants off.
No, ladies, you're keeping pants on when we go out dating.
You ain't allowed to take your pants off when you go out dating.
No, ma'am. You're keeping those on.
We're going to keep those heartwork pants on because we're going to still do that.
Because this is not just behavior management,
this is we're getting some heartwork done.
I'm just going to act confident because I got some heartwork now.
I'm going to act confident.
Y'all, I'm going to pretend this doesn't bother me.
Y'all, I will promise you,
you can sit there and you could pretend things are looking good,
and you can sit there and make everyone think that,
oh, this relationship is fine,
or, oh, no, I'm loving this.
This dating thing is great.
I love it.
Oh, it's looking great.
Y'all, I was usually not that person in this community.
I was always looking at the women that were doing that,
and I'm like, I was judgy.
I was critical.
I'm like, how is it that they've got all this stuff going for them,
and they've only been in this community for like four months,
and they've already engaged?
I'm like, what?
Y'all, I was a little bit of a bitter Betsy.
I was. It took me a little longer.
Because again, I'm stubborn sometimes.
All right. But no, it's hard work time, y'all.
Here's the thing. Some of those women that are doing that,
it's because they are honest with themselves.
They are taking that stuff to the Lord.
They are doing the work,
but it might look like it is easy, but it's not.
Y'all are just seeing the highlight reels.
Y'all scrolling through the social media,
and that's all you see.
Okay?
Because I would say all those social media posts that you see,
maybe 10% of those people really, really,
really are experiencing that
because they're really doing the hard, hard work.
And those are the people that are actually also getting real and honest with you,
and are going to sit there and share the junk with you too.
You're going to go to them,
and they're going to be real and honest with you.
The ones that their life is just so beautiful and all that,
they haven't done their hard work.
Okay?
We have a lot of women in here that have done their hard work.
work, our success stories, and things are going great.
But it still doesn't mean that it's been easy for them, y'all.
It's not easy.
It just has to be worth it.
I do not want you ladies getting this false sense
that hard work is just going to make things easy.
It doesn't.
Hard work will have its challenges.
But I will tell you, I would rather
do hard work and all of this in a community
and have support than to sit there and try to do it myself
and ignore it and not be real and honest with people
and not receive the wisdom and the help from people
that God's putting in my life to be able to pour that into me.
I'm sitting here wanting to be, oh, well,
God's just going to do it.
God's going to do it.
Well, yeah, God's bringing us certain people to do it.
Are we willing to get honest and real with ourselves and own it?
Like, that is so valuable.
You've got to be willing to do the hard work.
OK?
Ask yourself, why do I feel unsafe?
Like, what is this showing me?
Why hasn't this healed yet?
I'm confident if, yeah, I've done some of this little hard work.
Now something else is coming up and it's surfacing.
So why?
Why does this feel unsafe?
Why hasn't this healed?
Confidence comes from healing.
It doesn't come from pretending.
I've shown up several times where I've just
pretended everything is fine.
It's not all the time.
It's just not real life.
It isn't.
But y'all, we get this blessing of a God who loves us,
who has these big, giant fields for us to harvest.
We get to choose to go into those fields
and reap all of this.
What do we want to choose?
I don't want to stay in that barren, cold winter season.
I want to go look for, where are things sprouting?
Where has God planted seeds?
And where is their growth?
I want to go after that.
So number four is shifting from this external validation
to internal stability.
Not needing validation on the outside externally
through relationships or validation from other people
or that our life needs to look a certain way in order
to get that validation.
It is having the stability inside
inside because God is in us, and he's our source.
And y'all, that's not always easy.
OK?
I get it.
So instead of doing this, do they like me?
Shift into the, do I feel aligned, safe, and respected
here?
When you're in those dating relationships,
ask yourself that.
And it doesn't mean you don't approach things with curiosity
and you don't try to learn and grow and say, OK,
I really am interested in this person.
This person has some yellow flags.
Let's see how they respond.
Are they willing to do and work and grow?
Are they willing?
Aligned, safe, and respected.
And then number five is let triggers guide your life.
or growth. Not control behavior. Y'all, this is me preaching to myself. I like to control
things. I think I'm going to control my behavior, then I think I'm going to control everybody
else's behavior. Really, I need to be like, okay, what is triggering and how can I allow
this to grow me? So when these things show up, you're no longer pretending. Okay, I'm
going to sit here and like ask these questions and now I'm going to say, okay, how can I
grow? So triggers are not something to suppress and they're not something to be ashamed of.
They're invitations for healing. So what confidence actually is? A confident woman
still gets triggered, but she doesn't get controlled by those triggers. Y'all, women
are emotional beings. Okay. My husband always points this out to me. Women are just more
emotional than men. And if you're like me, who's very like overly, I have this, what
is Jackie called it several supernatural Saturdays ago, it was a HSP, hypersensitive person.
That is me. I am a deep, deep feeler. I am an empath. I feel very, very deeply. It is
a gift. That gift frequently gets overextended. My emotions can typically control my behaviors.
That's what I'm learning. Okay. And so what happens is a lot of time I get ashamed of
those. Okay. But we're not, we're not going to be sitting in that. Okay. We can be confident
that emotions are not bad thing. They're just invitations to grow. So I don't have to be
controlled by those emotions and by those triggers. Instead, we get to be curious instead
of reactive. So that's what you're going to practice this week. You're going to practice
getting curious instead of reactive. If you're in these dating situations, you get triggered
by something. I want you to get curious about it. You get to be, you get to reflect instead
of spiral. Y'all, I've been doing a lot of reflecting this week. I have been in my journal
and in my Bible probably like more time. I've actually been in probably in that more than
I've been actually sleeping to be perfectly honest. Like God is really doing a big thing
in me. All right. Now I wouldn't say like, that's gotta be you. All right. We're not
going to just like overdo it. All right. We're going to, we're going to baby step it.
We're going to pace ourselves here. Okay. So we're going to reflect instead of spiraling
and we get to choose truth instead of fear. Yes. Yes, there shall. Yes. I, yes. I want,
if you are someone who is an empath and really feels, and it's you like, I've had to learn
this too. And I like, clearly I have to really, really learn even more. You will pick up other
people's feelings. And sometimes it is hard to decide, is this, am I feeling someone else's
stuff or am I feeling my own? That is, that is very, very true. Sometimes I'm like, I
don't, I don't understand why I'm anxious. And I'm like, like my, I'm like, I'll call
my husband. I'm like, I'm feeling really anxious. And he's like, why? And I'm like,
I don't know. And a lot of times I think it's just because I'm feeling someone else's anxiousness.
And, you know, I have kids like, and I have kids that have, have been through some trauma
and some stuff, you know, you got three kids, like it could easily.
be that I'm just sensing some of their stuff. So I'm having to like be mindful
of that. So we're gonna get curious, we're gonna be reflective, and we're
gonna choose truth over fear.
The biggest takeaway right now, your insecurity does not disqualify you from
love. Okay.
Insecurity does not disqualify you from love.
Y'all, I was in this program for two years before I met my husband.
It didn't disqualify me because God needed to do some extra work on me and
that's okay.
It's totally fine.
So if you've been here for a little while or you get discouraged because
you're seeing that, y'all, it just, don't even, don't even, don't even buy into
that lie.
You're not disqualified. You're not.
However, if you ignore doing the hard work, you will stay stuck in the same
patterns and you will be here longer than you want to be.
You will.
I was single for two years in this program. I have been here for five years,
okay.
Been married for two and a half.
And I can literally, from my own testimony, from going through this
process, myself in single, singleness and marriage, and also being on this side as
a coach and all the women that I have, I've been doing this for over two years
now, ladies. Several, I mean hundreds of the women that I have walked alongside.
The ones that ignore doing the hard work stay stuck in their patterns.
There are still women in the community that were in this program when I was
single.
I've been here for five years, okay. That's not a, that is not an insult to
them at all, okay. It's not.
But we have to adjust. The reality is, if we're not willing to supernaturally
surrender,
we might not, like, God's not just gonna give us a husband for us to not carry it
well, all right. He's not holding back on us. He won't hold back on on you, but we
can hold back on us. He's given us the invitations, y'all. Some of us are just
taking those invitations and throw them in the mail, or throw them in
the trash. Taking them from the mail and throwing them right into the trash. I'm
going to encourage you, those invitations, open them up.
You're in community here, and you've got several of us here to walk this journey
with you, okay.
Confidence is built when you face what's underneath, you heal what is unresolved,
and you stop outsourcing your worth.
It's the courage of doing the hard work.
It's built facing what's underneath, healing what's unresolved, and when you
stop outsourcing your worth.
I know I've got three ladies that have their hands up. I am at time. Can I ask
you ladies to type your things in the chat?
So while I'm going through the activation, I want you ladies typing your questions.
So our activation is, I want you to type in your questions.
Our activation is, I want you to take time this week and invite Holy Spirit into these triggers and insecurities.
I imagine that if you've sat through this teaching already, there's probably been some things that God is already highlighting to you that are triggers of yours.
I would be surprised if there's not a single person that's here right now or that's watching this in replay where you can tell me that God has not highlighted something.
So I want you to sit with that.
You might have something right now at this very moment that God is highlighting to you and I want you to write that down.
What is Holy Spirit inviting you into to show what is a trigger and insecurity?
What is surfacing?
And here's questions I want you to ask.
What have my recent triggers been trying to show me?
What belief or fear is underneath this reaction?
If you have a trigger, you have a reaction.
And let's get honest with ourselves, ladies.
Let's share how we react and how we respond.
We're not hiding.
Listen, we all have stuff.
And I will tell you, when you open up yourself to vulnerability and you share the real, like the parts of us, like y'all, sometimes I'm like, I don't want to share that because it's really ugly.
People are going to think differently of me.
And usually, because y'all, I was in this community, all right?
I did this as a single, all right?
When I showed up and I admitted and I confessed to how I reacted and responded, those confessions actually allow us to be able to get healing.
It's when we confess.
And then those confessions lead to other people being able to heal, too.
And I don't get judged.
A lot of times, those times where I think I'm going to be judged, God uses those times to actually bless other people.
Like, what?
Like, you've got to be kidding me.
Your courage to just be honest and share that and to share how you react, that alone is going to help other people get breakthrough.
And it's going to, that confession then actually opens the door of like where you actually get to see, okay, well, this is what this is.
And now God can sit there and say, okay, now we're going to look at this.
We're going to look at it together.
And then you ask yourself, when did I first start believing this about myself?
So those are the things you're taking, their activation is invite Holy Spirit, those triggers and those insecurities.
You're asking him some questions.
And now that's the first part.
Now you're going to take those beliefs to the Lord.
You're going to repent from coming into agreement with the lie.
And you're going to break partnership with that belief.
That is important.
And this is the part I feel like those first two steps when a lot of people, a lot of people can struggle here and not do those things and they'll avoid that.
And then the people that do this part, they're good at these first two things.
They're good at asking the questions. They're good at sharing. Okay, this is
lion-bleeding. Y'all, where I see a lot of people fall off is the next, these last
parts. A lot of people forget to ask God, what is your truth about me in this area?
That frequently gets ignored.
Really want you to circle that. You have to ask God, what is the truth about me in
this area? And you've got to be patient with hearing from him. And you've got to
give yourself grace. You will not always get this right away. And even when he
tells you, it doesn't mean that you're going to step into it. It takes practice.
It took us a long time to believe those things. And we've had many years of
believing the lie. It might take us a little time to be activating that truth
and be replacing that. We might have to repeat that over and over again. But if
we don't do this part of hearing from God of what the truth is, and being open
to constantly, hey God, I'm recognizing this. Help me here.
Because we have to ask, but then the also part of it, you got to replace it.
You got to replace the lie with the truth. Because I will even say, some
people will go and they'll sit there and be like, I know that this is what God
says about me, but some of y'all don't believe it.
You sit there and you read your Bible and know that God says that about you, but you
actually don't believe it in your heart. Because you don't act on it.
You don't step into that. We can, we know the lie, we see here, oh I know this
trigger, I know this about myself, I know this lie, and this is what God says. And
we can, we can tell the coaches, you can tell your therapist, you can tell all
these people, oh yep, this is, this is what God says about me. I mean be good at
that. But some of us, we don't replace it. We do the pretending. You have to replace
the lie with the truth. So one, you got to ask God for the truth, and then you got
to actually replace it, and then you got to believe it, and then you got to walk
it out. There's going to be action steps to that. You need to write it down, and
you need to add it to your Jesus Cares board. And then you put, you put steps on
those prayers. You walk it out. God will start revealing what are some things
that you need to do. Okay? You walk it out. And you will not do it perfectly, ladies.
You won't. The guys that you're dating will not do things perfectly. They won't.
My husband does not do things perfectly.
He might get mad at me for saying this, but he is a very stubborn man. He is very
hard-headed. And this is where we butt heads, because guess what? I am too.
And sometimes it becomes a competition.
Who's going to be more stubborn than the other?
I usually win. And I'm not, I'm not boasting about it, because it's probably not a good thing.
You are putting on your Jesus Cares board the belief. What it is that you, what's the lie you're
believing, and the truth that you're believing. Like, Lord, I'm giving this lie over to you,
and this is what I'm believing. And I'm asking you to show me what, what I'm believing.
So, let me just use the first random example that came to my mind, because this was on my
Jesus Cares board when I was, you know, going through as a single, is financial stuff. Like,
just being diligent on spending your money on things that you don't want to spend your money on.
Like, just being diligent on
staying financially sound and getting things paid off
and saving up for things and being diligent with that.
So maybe getting out of debt is something that
is an insecurity, is a fear of yours.
And so you might have this belief that
actually one of our women in the community,
she just got engaged, okay?
She just got engaged, she was in the community,
she was in the program,
like she came in when I first came in too, okay?
So she's literally been in this program for five years
and she had this, like she was,
I mean, I remember coaching her like,
gosh, when I was even single,
because about finances, about being in debt,
like she wanted to be out of debt.
And, you know, there's this belief,
a lot of women have this belief that
they have to be out of debt in order to be qualified
for a guy to wanna date them.
And then even some women will be like,
a man can't be in debt in order for me to date them.
Okay, this belief system, okay?
And so she like, she just, y'all,
she literally, she just got engaged, okay?
And so you might put being,
like the debt is on your Jesus Cares board.
So you're putting that up there and you are,
like you're gonna sit there and be like,
okay, what is it about debt that I'm believing that's a lie?
What is, God actually says the truth?
And then,
Jesus cares about that.
He wants you out of debt.
He doesn't want you to be a slave to the lender.
But,
what, we just say, oh, I'm gonna put debt
on my Jesus Cares board and, you know,
miraculously, Jesus is gonna just wipe our debt out.
Y'all, I remember several years ago
when there was all that conversation about
student loans being wiped out.
Like, that was kind of one of those things
where everyone was just like,
oh, that's literally like what we kind of,
you know, we do pray like that Jesus would just come along
and poof, I forgive you of all your debt.
I'll be like, yeah, woohoo.
I mean, that would be lovely.
Unfortunately, that's just not really
always how things work.
So it would be putting that up there
and being like, Lord, I know that you care about this
and I trust that you are gonna direct me
and give me action steps that's gonna walk me to this.
And guess what?
I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna be obedient
and when I do that, he can then put his super to my natural.
But I'm not just ignoring my debt.
I'm putting it on my Jesus Cares board
so I can see it every day.
But I'm choosing not to believe the lie
of what it has to say about me.
Instead, I'm waking up every day and be like,
Jesus, I know you care about my debt
and I trust that today, if there's anything
that you have to show me that I need to do
that's gonna help me get out of debt,
you are going to show me and I'm going to listen.
You are gonna make it clear to me.
You are gonna step me into that
and I'm not gonna ignore it.
I'm not gonna bury my head in the sand.
I'm gonna step into it.
That's what putting it on the Jesus Cares board looks like.
Okay?
All right, I'm gonna quickly go through.
I hope you ladies put your questions.
Go through and make sure I catch all of these
because if I don't answer it on this call,
I will have it and I can always address it in the app
and I will work on providing an outline
from the teaching today.
It will probably be like sometime tomorrow or Thursday
because I don't wanna post it ahead of time
because there's some women who have not,
are not on this call or haven't,
obviously they'll watch the replay
or they'll go to the call tonight.
And again, Ebony will have her own style
of how to teach this.
So, but we typically kind of pull from the same notes.
So, thank you, Michelle.
Confidence is built when,
good question.
I gotta go back in my notes, girl.
Oh, it's when you face what's underneath,
when you heal what's unresolved,
and when you stop outsourcing your worth.
All good questions.
Okay, now I know Patty, Michelle and Karen all had questions
so I'm gonna go quickly look for your questions
and see if I can't give you at least an answer
to what you're asking
without having to do a long teaching on it
because I know I can, again, I get long winded.
Okay, Michelle, I see yours.
I have been dating this guy
or getting to know him for about three weeks,
texting, phone calls, everyday video chats, and now email.
He wrote me an email, which I think is beautiful.
He lives about two hours away.
We have not yet had a date.
What is my next step?
Should I say something or do I let him plan the date?
Michelle, is this the same guy that you went on?
Okay, this is a different guy.
So this is not the guy that you went,
did you end up going on that date, by the way?
I went on the date, but the guy never showed up.
Well, God defended, God protected.
Yep.
Yep, and let's, again,
that's something that you can take this whole teaching,
if God is highlighting anything to you with that,
then you get to take what we talked about today
and apply it to that situation, okay?
We're not gonna allow getting ghosted ladies
to discourage us from thinking
that we're disqualified from love.
Nope, it's just gonna be a revealing for healing, okay?
So this is a new guy.
So he wrote you a beautiful email,
lives about two hours away.
You all have been texting for about three weeks,
and you've had phone calls every day,
so actual phone calls, and you've had video chats.
Yeah. Okay, perfect.
Has there been any conversation
about what getting in person would look like?
No.
Okay, so this is where you get to drop a hanky,
and I will suggest, yeah, you say,
hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you.
I've enjoyed these last three weeks.
I am on, I'm guessing it was a dating app, right?
Yes.
Hey, I'm on this app because I want to date in real life.
I am looking for a relationship, okay?
I'm not in a hurry,
but I'm looking to actually date in real life,
so I'm enjoying getting to know you.
I would like to hear what your thoughts are
about us planning a time to get together in person.
What are your thoughts on that?
Okay.
You lay it out there, and you listen.
You are now, you're curious of how he's gonna respond,
and we're not gonna react, okay?
There might be some triggers in how he responds,
or might be paying attention to that stuff.
Okay?
And don't be afraid that you're gonna mess something up.
Okay?
It's all a learning experience.
You're not gonna mess anything up that God has for you,
as long as you are in alignment with him,
and that's your heart posture.
Okay?
So I've messed up several times with my husband
before we were even married.
Like, if you make a mistake,
and that person's supposed to be your husband,
God wants this, like, you'll work it out.
Like, there's grace.
There's so much grace on that.
So be open to that.
See what he says.
Let's see how he responds, how he reacts, okay?
And we're gonna just kind of,
we're gonna see and kind of gauge.
And his response is gonna communicate something to us.
And then you get to bring that back to us.
Okay?
I would rather you share it quickly in the app,
because I don't want you to wait another week.
Okay?
Ladies, I really don't want y'all waiting a full week
to get this.
get back to us about those things, okay?
And I know like the glitches and stuff like that
have really caused some challenges,
but like I said, we're working on those.
So, but God's got us,
God's working everything out for his good, okay?
All right, so hopefully that answers your question.
Good, good, good question.
And I love that we could apply
all of our coaching stuff with it too.
Yes, Teresa, my plan is I'm gonna create something.
That is gonna be my goal.
I will probably get, my goal is tomorrow,
Thursday at the latest.
Okay, Karen, I see yours now.
What are signs a man may be a scammer
and what else can I do to check him?
Example, I messaged a man and told him
I needed him to selfie verify
before I communicate with him.
Did you post this in the app?
I think I briefly glanced at it.
Yeah, and I wrote that a little bit further down.
There are some things I identified,
Ebony responded to, and then I got some other ideas
and then I see some other ideas in the chat.
I just want to avoid it
because it was a yucky experience, so.
Gotcha, so yeah.
I mean, this is a really good question
because ladies, if you're online dating,
you are going to experience the possibility of scammers,
okay?
I want all of you ladies,
and this is not Karen specifically,
to be checking what surfaces inside you
with the idea that how are you reacting
or responding to scammers?
What's the belief, what's the concern, what's the fear?
Okay, I really want you ladies focusing on that, okay?
Because that will reveal a lot too, okay?
I did do that.
And a lot of you will have different responses to that.
So Karen, that might be something that you could look like.
I dealt with it pretty quickly and called a couple friends
and asked them to pray for me.
Yeah, there you go.
I had a great connection a couple hours later
with somebody I'm still communicating with.
He's really good.
So go ahead.
Yeah, I mean, and that's what I'm saying,
like you're coming in with curiosity,
and you'll be checking and saying like what,
so when you caught that,
when you saw that and you're like,
oh, this is what's coming up,
this is what's surfacing,
I'm gonna ask some people to pray for me.
What was revealed to you
and what did God speak to you
about what was underneath the surface of that?
Can you share that with us?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
I've done a whole lot of healing for it,
but I felt just briefly like it's like, yeah,
because it reminded me of stuff from the past,
a man looking at me in a lustful, yucky way,
and I quickly got off
and I just did a quick like healing with that.
And I said, with the Lord,
I asked the Lord to come into it.
And I didn't feel like it affected me very long,
but I did feel like I wanted to share
with a couple of friends just to say,
and that was helpful.
Yeah.
So I feel okay about it.
I just don't wanna do it anymore than necessary.
Okay, so what is God showing you
to look for with these men?
Oh, so that they're not scammers.
Some of the things I wrote down
that I identified at some point was
like they were writing in the middle of the night.
Okay.
And then somebody I checked with on Saturday,
cause I was starting to clue into,
okay, these are maybe some signs.
He wrote in the middle of the night,
like three in the morning.
And then he said, hope your day is going well.
And I thought, what's going on here?
Yeah.
Yeah, so it sounds like it's from another part
of the world or something.
So I wrote some things down so I can be aware.
And this last thing that I did
with a second man that I realized
I think there's something going on
is I'm on plenty of fish
and people can selfie verify it's called.
So I told, I texted him and said,
before I talk with you again,
I need for you to selfie verify.
So that's a feature on plenty of fish.
That's amazing.
And is he, did he do it?
No, I am not messaging him.
There you go.
So I think that's another key.
I just want helpful keys.
So I don't have to deal with more than.
That's great.
Like see if the apps that you're on has a way
to help keep you secure in that way.
I love that you brought up the,
you had this, like, I don't,
I don't think it's any,
I don't think it's a coincidence
that you recognize that someone was messaging you.
did you know at 3 a.m. in the morning yeah yeah that's me that is y'all that's when you are
sitting spending time with the lord the lord is going to literally speak to you she's not
getting freaked out about it okay she's not spiraling from this it is something that like
she's discerning she recognizes it and it's a well that's interesting she's getting curious about it
she's not reacting she's getting curious okay that's what we talked about earlier
it's allowing those things to give us curiosity and not reaction and so that's a god thing
god's allowing you to and he's we're going to reveal things to you and you'll have a check of
why is he messaging me at 3 a.m. so now this is when you get to be curious
and you get to go check yeah i i need to trust that gut sense and you get to you get you get
to ask some questions you get to ask some curious questions you're not going to interrogate but
you're going to ask some questions and you you don't have to get you don't have to be fearful
because you know that god put that prompting in you and you don't have to react because god is
going to give you a plan on how to get the information that you need yeah and there's
not going to be an unsettling in your spirit ladies you are not going to be unsettled there
is a peace that surpasses all understanding that comes with it so again like karen what did you
what did you do with that man um that messaged you at 3 a.m what did how did how did you get
curious with him the the second one there were two so the first one i actually went on a live
video chat i mean i i you know i asked for that and when it came on it was not the same person
as it was in the profile there you go so i quickly got off i blocked him and reported him
and then when i went on to check some other men i noticed ah this man also you know some similar
like the middle of the night and then i thought and then i didn't and then i texted you all i
messaged you and i decided i'm gonna wait and pray about this and when i slept i got the insight ah
ask him to selfie verify so i think the holy spirit was helping me yeah so i love it she's
like okay this guy's messaged me at 3 a.m well what if at a different hour that's not 3 a.m
i ask him to video chat me
if he starts avoiding that
that is how you go and check you actually ask questions she's not having to ask questions
hey um you're messaging me at 3 a.m um are you not in the like that like and accusing him okay
she's not going to sit here and open the door and invite him like hey you're messaging me at 3 a.m
you're messaging me at 3 a.m which means you probably are a scammer and you probably are
not in this country right now she's she's not gonna go because y'all con artist
will literally gaslight you to pieces they will know how to take that accusation and twist it
around and they will lie themselves out of it and if you're not careful there's many of a few
ladies that will believe it like that's i will sometimes get scammed if like i'll be honest like
we're not like i'm not sitting here saying like oh there's you know that's not an insult okay
that's just it's deception we all can be caught off guard
so she she's not gonna sit there and disclose that information she's just gonna say hey um
let's video chat actually it's before i do that i asked him to selfie verify because i don't want
chats i don't want any chats with yucky now not everybody so not everybody's gonna be on plenty
of fish that would have that opportunity right okay right so like i see certain apps will have
certain ways that you could do that but if anybody that's on here like that's why video chat i said
that first week first week you want the video chat because that will verify whether or not
someone's a scammer or not
Really, I mean that is one of the big reasons why we tell you
In person date or video chat within the first week
The last thing you want to do is y'all if you're if you're spending more than one week having conversation
You can only have like surface level conversation
for about a week until it owned like eventually the door opens after a couple weeks where
You're probably gonna start getting into this
This territory where you might start asking some more in-depth personal questions and ladies if it is a scammer
They are scammers for a reason and they're con artists for a reason because they're trying to get some information from you
There's a reason for it
So they are gonna do what they can to keep you
Entangled in that cycle for as many weeks as possible
Because the longer they keep you in that
The easier it's going to be to get whatever it is that they're looking for and I don't know like I'll be honest
I don't know what kind of information all these scammers look for
I'm sure there's all sorts of different scammers getting all sorts of different information and do it for all different reasons
I I probably don't even have the long list of why?
They all do it
I haven't done that research yet. Maybe that's maybe that's something that I need to do to help the community. I don't know
But these are those are reasons. So that's that's one of the reasons why
So I love it. You come at it with curiosity
We're not coming at it with
accusations and interrogation and like again, and we're gonna check ourselves
Is this an insecurity? Is this a trigger? Is this what's the root of this?
And we're gonna approach it accordingly
Okay
I think it all apply to what we talked today. All right, Patty. I'm looking for your question girl
Mmm, there it is. It's right there. Okay, you signed up for a singles event from your church and you visited last fall
It's a movie and dinner and it's described as 30 plus the church website says the group is for people 30
If a man starts chatting with me at the event, how can I tactfully say I am in my early 50s or ask how old he is
So I can let him talk to other women if he's too young for me, okay
You haven't been on to the event yet
No, not yet, it's Saturday so
Are you is there a reason that you are afraid that you might be talking to someone?
That's 30 and that
They won't know that you're 50
Oh, you're you're muted
People have told me that I look younger than I actually am and the event says 30 plus so
It could be that there are a lot of 30 somethings. Okay, so
What what?
What
Would it be okay, hold on let me see if I can ask this question like make it the wording out. Um,
Would it be
terrible if
You sit and have conversation with someone who's 30 years old
At a first name I don't want to be a cougar I'm not I want an age-appropriate
No, I get it
Okay
So you get to have conversation with someone and they approach you and they're 30 years old. Mm-hmm
Yeah, I'd be horrified by that. Okay. Mm-hmm. Why?
Because I could be their mother and I don't want to be dating someone
what
What's the fear?
What's the root of that but but it's not age-appropriate what's the belief
That you should that the best ideally you want to date and marry someone who's within six seven years
Okay, that's so that might be one of your non-negotiables like your idea
Okay. Now this is ladies. This is where we really talk a lot about
It's not always it's not always about
Dating for age. It's about dating in the season
Okay
again, I
My my range was like five five years five years older five years younger
It didn't mean if someone was six or seven that I didn't like
Potentially entertain it because it was about the season that they were in. Okay
That was important to me
Now there was a guy that was much older. He looked a lot older
And I was like, I don't want to date this guy because I could tell he was older.
Like I was in my late thirties and he was like 10 years older than me.
And I was just not interested. And I, I, I shared with him, Hey,
I asked him how old he was because I pretty much knew he was old and I didn't tastefully do it.
Okay. I, I kind of didn't do it well. Um, and the way I worded it and said it
definitely triggered him and he got very offensive, um, defensive.
And that to me was just an indicator. I'm like, yeah, don't want to date that guy.
And even if he was my age, I wouldn't want to date him.
Like maybe cause he then made it sound like I was incorrect and I did second guess myself.
I was like, Oh my gosh, what if I really did just insult this guy?
And I'm like, but even then I was like how he responded, even if he was my age, his response
was not attractive. So it didn't matter. And so I kind of like let that go. And I processed that.
And I was like, okay, that's whatever y'all. He still carried that. He carried that y'all.
This is actually when we first had men join our community.
He was one of the first men that Jackie kicked out of the community.
And when he got kicked out, it wasn't because of me.
It was because he was really insecure and he was like, there was a lot of unhealed stuff.
And you want to know what he tried to circle back and manipulate and try to get back to having
conversation with me after he got kicked out. And y'all, this happened like six to seven to
eight months before he got kicked out. And I was like, what is going on? Like,
why are you reaching out to me? Cause I'm past that. So like, I get all of that. It's,
all of that. It's so it's about seasons. It's not about age. It's about how we approach
those conversations. So I get the, if you're dating someone and you kind of,
you recognize that they're younger, you get to kind of just sit back. And like,
if you are gauging, you say, Hey, like can I ask you a question? Like, can I ask how old you are?
You can ask them how old they are. It doesn't have to be insulting.
You can ask them about the season of life they're in, because it's not, I guess it's not always
about the, the, the age. It's about the season of life that they're in. So with the age that you're
in and the age that you're looking to date, what does that season of life look like?
And what questions can you ask that would indicate that they're in that same season
without asking their age? So then you don't even have to ask the age. You can just ask
about their season of life. So, so for example, and I don't know if this is you Patty, but like,
I'm thinking, are you close to retirement? Or are you like, is that you, you've,
you don't want children. Like you kind of had, like you're kind of moved on from like,
when you're in your fifties, you're probably not looking to have your own children necessarily.
Right. That's true. Okay. So if the concern of dating someone that's in their thirties,
right. You're dating, you're talking to somebody that you're thinking, this guy is probably in his
thirties. He might think that I'm in my thirties. So you can then drop little hankies about
yeah, I'm just really enjoying the season of life that I'm in. I, I don't know,
Patty, do you have children? I don't. Okay. I would say for ladies that have, like, you could
talk about your grown children, how like, oh, I'm, I'm really looking forward to being a grandma
or whatever, or, you know, I'm an empty nester or however, but you could be like, you know what? I'm
really enjoying the season of life that I'm in. And, and just talk about that and talk about how
you have this freedom and how you're looking forward to building relationship and being able
to travel and, you know, get into a season of life where, you know, you'll be close to retirement and
you, you may not have to be tied down and you could just get up and go and do.
do things that you're looking forward to
being at the age that you are.
Now, if someone's 30 years old
and they are not in that season of life
and they're wanting children.
Yeah.
They're going to probably.
See, I don't really travel.
Okay.
Because I don't have kids, but I have him.
There you go.
And so, that's my baby dog.
So, I'm not arguing with you.
I'm just saying that, you know,
for me to say something about traveling and.
Yeah.
So, that's where I want you to spend some time
and be like.
But I'll think about it.
I'll think about it.
Like this is where I think the Lord
is going to highlight to you
ways that you can engage in conversation
with someone that is going to,
it will naturally come up in conversation
so that there doesn't have to be this awkwardness.
Okay.
So, you don't have to be worried about it.
Because here's the thing.
Is it okay?
Are you okay if a man asks you how old you are?
Yeah, I'll tell him.
Because it's, I mean, if you were on the dating app,
you know.
Exactly.
So, my whole approach to this is
they are just as much responsible
to be asking you these questions
and figuring out if they're in that same season of life.
Mm-hmm.
Just as much as you are intentionally
wanting to make sure that you are in alignment.
And my questions to you
and kind of what I was engaging in at first is,
at this event, would it be terrible
for you to engage in conversation
with someone that's 30 years old
that may not know that you're 50 right away?
I mean, it's not terrible.
I would feel bad because I think that that's a no-go for me
and he could ask some other lady who is 32
and that would be good.
But here's the thing.
But you don't have to be in charge of that.
This is God writing your love story.
Mm-hmm.
Because guess what?
Maybe there's a conversation
or an opportunity in someone
that you're supposed to interact with
that God can use to highlight an area of growth
for you or for them.
Okay.
And so, ladies, y'all don't have to be afraid
of having a conversation with someone
that's not your person.
And I would encourage you
to spend a little time with the,
I would feel bad.
What's that belief rooted in?
Where does it become your responsibility
to carry someone else's feelings
or to carry someone else's feelings?
Like, he's a man.
He's having conversation with you.
His God is leading and directing him.
He is just as much responsible
for the conversation and getting to know you
as you are with him.
You're there for dating for discovery
and getting to know somebody
and enjoying the person for who they are,
not whether or not are they my husband or not.
Does that make sense, ladies?
These are things that can surface and really reveal.
So that's a really good question, Patty.
I'm really glad that you asked that.
Thank you, Carla.
These are ways that we really get to kind of see
how this whole, y'all do you see how these dating occurrences
and these questions that we have really do
kind of expose areas that we just have to
spend some reflection on, that's it.
And they might feel scary
and we might get in our heads about it,
but it really doesn't have to be.
Okay, ladies, I appreciate you all
letting me take this long time to go through this.
I really looked at this material and I thought,
oh, I'm gonna be able to fly by.
I was like, I got this, I got this this time.
Oh, I did it.
But I will say, I think this is one of the things
my most favorite and I'm looking forward to this week and what y'all
activate and what y'all get from this and able to sit with the Lord. I'm gonna
quickly close us in prayer and then if y'all can get on tonight definitely jump
in on Ebony. She's much better at moving through the content faster than me so I
will probably be listening for hers because I will then be able to use it in
the future of how she can get through it and then we'll go from there but all
right so Holy Spirit Heavenly Father gosh thank you so much we invite you
into every trigger every insecurity and every hidden belief in our hearts Lord I
ask that you reveal these lies that we've been agreeing with and show us the
truth of who we are in you help us to release fear walk us in healing and grow
in truth true confidence that's rooted in your truth Lord teach us show us heal
us grow us amen all right ladies thank you so much
all right I'll see you soon
you