All right, there we go, all right, we're recording, awesome.
Welcome ladies, oh good, Kelly's here today as well, awesome.
It is April 7th, I hope everybody had a really wonderful Resurrection Sunday, had a good
Easter.
I don't know about you all, but I did not do all of the things that I usually do with
my family, all the Easter baskets, all the things, just did not have the energy this
year, but honestly it was probably the most significant and fantastic Easter that we've
actually had, and so it was really, really nice.
Really got to just spend time with the kids and showing them, like, really what it's all
about, so I hope you all got a very nice Easter as well.
I got a couple questions, I'm guessing Kelly and Dana probably have questions, is that
correct?
Yes, awesome, okay, good, do me a favor, go ahead and type your questions in the chat,
that way we at least get those started, if you have them, because I don't want to lose
them.
If for some reason you have to jump off before the teaching is over, I can then go and scroll
up to the chat and grab your question, and I can answer it, and then you can watch and
replay and I'll be able to answer it there, sound good?
I'm going to go over some housekeeping stuff real quick, and then our teaching today is
going to be, we're going to be, I mean, obviously we date differently, because we got out of
heart work, right?
All right, and some of us might not be quite ready to jump into dating yet, and that's
fine, but one of the things that when you are ready to start jumping into dating is
understanding what does it mean when we say, we want you to be God defended, like, what
does that actually mean, like, okay, like, okay, Carla, I believe in God, I know God
has good things for me, but what do you mean I'm showing up being self protected and self
defended and not God defended, and so I really want us to spend some time really talking
about what that looks like, how we might be operating in that self defense, why that's
probably happening, because here's the thing, we've all done it, myself included, all right,
so those of you that don't know me, do I have any new ladies on from, yes, Kathleen, this
is your, like, first phase two, do I have anybody else that's brand new to phase two?
Anybody?
No?
Okay, yes, awesome, well, welcome, if you're watching a replay, so glad to have you here
with us, so yeah, we're moving out of phase one, we're into phase two, and we're like,
okay, now we're doing this, like, discovery dating, okay, we're dating a little differently,
what's that look like?
So, yes, that is what we're going to be talking about today, so a couple housekeeping things,
again, ladies, keep coming into the app, you all are doing a really awesome job of engaging,
asking your questions, sharing your wins, you know, your ahas, your takeaways, what
content you're watching from our training, so we have those five videos in the content
portion, okay, so you're watching those, we're only doing one of those a week, plus these
weekly calls here on Tuesday, so we've got a one o'clock call, an eight o'clock call,
we've put those in replay as well, and then we hope that you are also watching Supernatural
Saturday, and then, so those will be in the replay section, so we have replays and content,
so you have your training content, your five videos with Jackie, and I think Renee's got
a few in there, and then we have our replays, which is Supernatural Saturday, and then the
live calls that myself and Ebony do at one and eight o'clock, and then occasionally,
I think there's like one Sunday a month that gets recorded, so that will sometimes pop in
there as well, so definitely make sure that you're checking that out, and then, ladies,
don't forget that we have that resource tab, all sorts of things are under that resource tab,
we have,
you can sign up with an affiliate link.
So if you love what we're doing here in the program
and you think more people need to like need
what we got here and it's doing something for you
and so you wanna share it with your friends,
any singles that you meet, any guys that you meet
that are just not your guy,
but you're like, maybe he's somebody else's guy.
Like this is a really great Christian guy
and he's just not my cup of tea.
You know, he lives somewhere else or whatever.
You can introduce them to Last Year Single
and you can give them a link
and you can actually get paid for signing them up.
Okay, so that's under resource tab.
If you want an extra boost of coaching,
we do offer one-on-one coaching
that is available for an additional fee.
We have 60, not 60, 50 minute sessions that are available.
Several of us coaches are on there
and so you can click on our calendars
and book some time with us
if that is something that you just want
some additional one-on-one coaching time.
But the app is always there
for y'all to ask your questions, all right?
Don't wait till these Tuesdays
to jump on and ask your questions.
If you've got a question and it's Wednesday or Thursday,
don't wait till Tuesday.
Come in the app and say, hey coaches,
hey Carla, hey Ebony, I need some help here.
Or hey, God kind of highlighted this to me,
can you share something about this?
Or hey, I had this great win
or this is something that I, share it with us, okay?
Don't wait for the Tuesday call, okay?
I don't know about y'all, but I have like hamsters
and several different wheels in my head.
And so I will sometimes forget things.
So if it comes to you, put it in the app
and then we'll respond there.
Make sure that you are engaging
with your sisters here in the community.
We just ask that, wait for like no advice giving,
let myself and Ebony kind of coach the ladies
with the advice.
But if something reminds you of something
that you've experienced or you have some wisdom in an area,
make a separate post and say, hey,
I was thinking about this because someone had posted.
And then you can process through what it was
that you experienced, what God showed you.
And then people can comment on that, okay?
So it's a little bit of an encouragement that way, okay?
So anyway, we will go ahead and get started.
I'm gonna quickly pray us in
and then we will get started on our teaching.
I hope I will not run super, super long today
so that we can get to all of your questions.
Thank you, Kelly and Dana,
for putting those questions in the chat.
And then, yeah, so let's go ahead and pray.
So Lord, I ask that you open our hearts today,
that you reveal any fear-based vows
that we may have made out of our hurts
in ways that we've defended ourselves
and the lies that we've agreed with.
Lord, I ask that you teach us
on how to step into your protection,
your truth and your confidence
as we prepare for the love that you have for us.
We ask this in Jesus' name, amen.
All right.
Okay, so dating differently
from self-defended to now God-defended.
So we're gonna start breaking off these fear-based vows
and we're gonna start letting God write our love story.
Okay, hey, Sarah Schell, good to see you.
Awesome to see you.
I always love your background.
She's got the beautiful clouds.
All right, so what happens oftentimes
is like many of us women,
and I say many, because this was me,
especially when we're in our seasons of singleness,
we kind of walk in this self-defended mode.
Okay, because we're single.
We don't have a protecting over us, right?
We kind of forget God is our defender, our protector.
But when we're walking here on earth,
we're kind of like, okay, well, I'm a single.
I gotta defend myself, okay?
And there's nothing wrong with that.
And there's nothing wrong with us because of it,
but the reason why that's happening
is because some things typically happen to us, okay?
We might've gotten in a relationship that, you know.
created some sort of hurt. We may have had, you know, an absence of a parent not defending us,
or maybe being the one that caused us harm. And so we kind of just go into this, like,
we've got to protect ourselves. So we end up, like, building walls, we kind of create rules,
we make these internal vows so that we don't have to feel that pain again.
But today I want us to talk about what it would look like to move away from that self-defense
and to move into what God-defended protection and supernatural surrender would look like.
Okay? Sound good? All right, ladies, if you have any questions, go ahead and throw them in the
chat, because then I can scroll up and I will go through and that's how I'll pull questions today.
Okay? And then that way, if someone has to jump off, I'll have your question in the chat,
and then when you watch the replay, I can always go and respond that way. So, all right. But yeah,
ladies, this isn't just about dating. This is, you know, yes, we're in that dating phase,
but this isn't just going to help you in dating. It is really about preparing your heart to carry
the love that God has written for you. Okay? Not just in dating, but believe it or not,
you're going to have to show up in the same way in marriage as well. Okay? So,
you want to really be able to prepare yourself to be able to carry that
so that you're going to be able to receive it well. Okay? So, self-defense is just going to
be a natural response. So, when you've been hurt, you've been rejected, you've been disappointed,
like your heart creates these strategies that are going to keep you safe. Okay?
And one of the primary ways that it does that is through these like protective
vows that we can sometimes make. And so, in dating, some of these common vows that we make,
and I want you to just to go ahead and like give me a thumbs up or a head nod if you're like,
yup, done that, done that. Or even share some of the vows that you've made in the chat.
One of them, I'm never going to let that happen to me again.
Have you ever made that vow? I'm not going to date a man who's in debt.
Make a vow men can't be trusted.
Men can't be trusted.
Come on, I know some of you have said that one. I know I have.
I definitely had like, oh, these men, they can't be trusted.
All right. I'm not going to allow someone to deceive me again. So, I'm going to be a detective.
How many of you are sitting there like Googling their name, looking at their socials,
scrolling through? All right. Y'all, some of my past relationships were with people that
struggled with like substance abuse and alcohol, drugs, that sort of thing. So, I definitely was
very guarded with not wanting to date someone that struggled with addictions.
And so, that was a big one. I would go and see. So, guys that had the photos of being at bars and
stuff and like, no, wasn't going to do that. And like I said, there's nothing wrong with that.
But what can happen is that we start like believing so many different things that we
kind of get on guard a little bit where it can actually block some things that God really wants
for us. Okay. And so, we're going to go into that a little bit more depth. Okay. So, these vows,
they're going to feel wise, you know, and some of them are. Okay. And they're going to feel protective
okay. I'm not saying like I should have been like, oh, it's okay. Like, I should go date someone who
has a drug problem. Like, no. Obviously, I'm going to be mindful of that. Okay. But am I going to
just go sit?
be a detective about it.
Like, no, that's not necessarily,
like that's not being God-defended either, okay?
And because some of these guys are gonna be responsible.
But what can happen is when you experience
an uncomfortable outcome,
you actually don't slow down
and ask yourself some really important questions.
Okay, so I want you to think about these two questions.
What decisions did I make that led to that outcome?
And then what beliefs were those decisions rooted in?
What happens is we put up these vows
and we kind of skip the self-awareness part.
And we kind of move straight into self-protection.
The second question, Sarah Shell,
is what beliefs were those decisions rooted in?
Yeah, if somebody could write those questions in the chat,
that would be helpful.
And then did anybody see,
I was a little late on the one from last week.
I thought I had posted it and I realized I ended up posting
I think yesterday or the day before.
I did kind of just a brief like outline of the call
last week and this week and I posted it
and pinned it into the app.
Are people finding that helpful?
Kelly said yes, okay, thank you.
Because I know a lot of people are like,
if you're like me, I'm a note taker.
Like usually when I'm on calls, even Supernatural Saturday,
like I listen to Supernatural Saturday,
y'all always have like my journal
and I'm seriously like always writing things down
with Supernatural Saturday, anything, I'm a note taker.
So I like having those notes.
I know not everybody can do that.
They wanna be like present and focused.
So if it helps you for me to have those for you,
I'm definitely willing to do that
and post those each week.
So yeah, Sarah Shell got those two questions up there.
So yeah, those questions are super important.
Like you wanna be asking yourself
in those types of situations, okay?
You could even go back into some of your old past,
you know, relationships or past situations that happened
and you'd be like, where you've created those vows
and you might even recognize that you're like,
well, I never thought about my part in that.
Not from a place of shame or guilt,
but of reflection, of self-awareness.
And that's where wisdom and discernment can come in
and God can use those situations to teach us
so that we don't enter into those things
because our behaviors now become different.
You know, we've talked a little bit last week
and the week before,
I think about how our behavior and identity are linked.
Like behavior follows identity.
So if you're recognizing you behave a certain way,
it's probably linked to the belief system
that you have about your identity.
And so you're really gonna wanna do that.
So again, you're taking the things
that you've learned in heart work
and now you're gonna be applying them
as you step into the dating process and relation.
And ladies, this doesn't just go with dating.
This will go with relationships with people at work,
family members, friends, neighbors.
If you got kids,
if you got young kids and they go to school,
helps them with how they handle their friends.
I just had a situation with another mother.
At my son's school, y'all, she wrote me a manuscript about how I was completely out
of line on something.
I was just like, what is happening here?
And I'm looking at this like, oh, she just hasn't done her heart work.
And I'm sitting there reading all of it and I'm like, well, my old self, if I wanted to
react and I wanted to kind of take on some of my old identities that I used to carry,
I would have been right there defending myself and chiming in.
Because it was all about religion, y'all.
And everyone knows that I'm a believer.
A lot of the parents at the school know I'm a dating coach for a Christian community.
They know what I do.
They know I'm typically the one that's like, okay, I'm going to come with solutions.
I'm going to be respectful to everyone.
And she was like ready to like, like she literally like came and started.
And I'm like, oh my God, like, you can really start carrying some of that stuff.
And so all this to say is like, we don't want to show up in this like, I've got to go defend
myself.
We want to really come and approach these things as, okay, I don't have to behave a
certain way because that's not who I am.
So if I am behaving a certain way, I want to reflect and see why that is so that I don't
find myself into another pattern again.
This is where we use our wisdom and our discernment from past things.
Like I could have literally found myself in such a mess of some drama, y'all, and way
back when I would have been that woman.
And I know some of y'all know what I'm talking about.
You know, us women can be very dramatic.
There's that mean girl, the bickering and all that kind of stuff.
Hey, no worries.
No worries, Nancy.
Totally fine.
But yeah, so I really want you ladies to start thinking about that self-reflection piece.
So when you start bringing in those vows and we protect ourselves, we forget the piece
that we play in to it.
And that's the part where we can actually do some reflection and gain some wisdom and
spend some time with the Lord and the Lord can start revealing things to us.
And so we can start seeing some of our own patterns and our own behaviors as opposed
to us than just creating things to avoid, traits to eliminate, or patterns to control.
I don't know about y'all, but I'm a closet, not actually a closet anymore.
I've come out like I struggle with needing control of things.
Okay.
It's no secret.
Jackie will tell you.
Bethany will tell you.
I'm a rule follower.
Like I want everyone following rules.
Okay.
And we create these systems not because we're healed, but it's because we're trying not
to feel that pain again.
And again, there's nothing wrong with that.
Like there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go through that pain again.
And I believe God doesn't want us to go through that pain again, but God also doesn't want
us to shut things out to the point that we're not reflecting and growing.
So what feels like protection actually can become limitation.
And these strategies actually, while they might guard your pain, they can actually sometimes
block what God's best for you, believe it or not.
Okay.
So the difference between God-defended versus self-defended.
So self-defended living, this is what this is going to look like.
Okay.
Self-defended living is rooted in fear, past hurt, and mistrust.
It creates walls and rigid control.
And it will react from past experiences.
So now in dating, okay, so some of you that might be in dating now.
being ready to start getting into dating. I want you to be thinking and being
mindful of watching for these things while you date, because this is what it
can look like. It can be you over analyzing everything, okay? What someone
did, how they acted, what they're doing, like what if it like we all like that
over analyzing, what did this mean, why did they do this, okay? Avoiding
vulnerability, that's being self-defended. I'm not gonna open up and allow myself
to be to be vulnerable at all, because when I'm vulnerable I get hurt, okay? Now
ladies, that doesn't mean on a first, second, third date, you're telling them
about your toxic, you know, ex-boyfriends and all the drama, okay?
We're not doing that, we're not talking about that kind of vulnerability,
alright? We're kind of keeping some of that stuff like, you know, we're doing
some of the surface level stuff at the beginning, alright? We're not deep
diving quite yet, okay? Follow us, Dating 101, alright? If you don't watch that
video, definitely watch it, alright? But there's gonna be moments of like, you're
gonna have to take some risks. You might have to open yourself up a little bit,
you might have to say, you know what, I don't like... I'm trying to think of
something. I don't like bowling, but you know what, I'm gonna try it anyway, and
the reason I don't like bowling is because I always throw it in the gutter.
Y'all, I really do. And I don't want this like, guy making fun of me. I don't want
to be vulnerable in front of him. You see what a horrible bowler I am, but you know
what, I'm gonna be a little vulnerable. I'm gonna be like, you know
what, bowling's not my thing, but I'm gonna let you see a side of me that I
don't let a lot of people see. So I'm gonna let you take me bowling, okay?
Second date with my husband, I let him see how competitive I was. He took me to
an arcade and I was like, alright, we're like, this man needs to know, one, I'm a
baseball mom. My son was seven at the time, he's ten now. I was like, I'm that mom in
the stands. I mean, I'm yelling, I'm hollering, there's bad calls, I'm probably
having somebody tell me, Carla, sit down. Don't make the umpire mad.
So I'm like, okay, if this guy is gonna take me on a date and we're gonna see if
this is like, gonna progress anything, he's gonna need to see that I'm competitive.
And so, went to the arcade and I was like, it's on. Alright, that's a little
vulnerable. Not everybody likes somebody that's competitive. But I was like, you
know what? I'm gonna be myself. I'm not gonna not show up and be like, oh, well
maybe he maybe he doesn't like competitiveness and I'm just, no. He
needed to see it. And fun fact is, he's competitive too and he's a
sore loser. Luckily, he's not in the house today. So yeah, so that's how that
can show up. It could be disqualifying quickly. Like, you might disqualify
yourself quickly or you might disqualify somebody else in dating. Oh, that person's
not gonna like me because da-da-da-da-da. Or, you know what? Mmm, you know, he
that he doesn't go to church on Sundays.
What? Okay, he didn't doesn't go to church on Sundays. But what if he has a job and
he's not able to? But what if he goes to church on Saturday nights? I don't know. I
mean, you never know. Like, some people are in transition from one church to the
next. Like, we're not
to sit up and put up these walls and these like not not doing something well
I'm not gonna get in a relationship with it's not a believer in Jesus so I'm not
gonna date anybody that doesn't go to church each week because they have to
love Jesus
so I've done that
y'all and then the person that I did that that I thought okay I'm only gonna
date someone who loves Jesus was my son's biological father and he went to
church every Sunday but guess what he was not he did not have a very close
relationship with the Lord all right my son still asked me he's like mom does
my dad love God honey that's a question you're gonna have to ask your father
like those types of things like we we can actually end up guarding ourselves
so another thing that it can look like in dating it's leading with suspicion
instead of curiosity you're gonna get suspicious you're not gonna be curious
curiosity is going to lead to questions suspicion is you're gonna hide the fact
that you're trying to find something out curiosity is you're just gonna be
like hey I was thinking um so is there a reason why you Sundays don't work for
you to go to church is there a reason for that oh it's because you're looking
for a church oh okay cool
you see what I'm saying like we're leading with curiosity we're not sitting
there going to scroll through his socials like oh on Sunday he was at a
football game he wasn't at church I don't know okay so we're not if you are
showing up being more suspicious and not unless curious okay those are signs
that you're being self-defended okay any questions but I'm in the chat all right
and we can know if you have more that you want to impact or if you're not sure
like hey I do this is this me being self self-defended or not then we can go go
there too now God defended living this is what this is gonna look like right
it's gonna be anchored in trust in God's protection it's gonna hold healthy
boundaries without fear and it responds from truth instead of reaction
Kathleen that is a good question I do want to get to that one because I was a
single mama too so we're gonna we're gonna get to that too because I want to
talk to you about this wasting time thing because that's another mindset too
that we're gonna we're gonna unpack as well okay and then yeah like if you're a
single mom there is a little bit of a well I have to be self-defended and
protect because we are we are protecting our children they can't
always protect themselves so the people that we're inviting in we are gonna have
to make sure that they're safe okay but again we got to remember God is not just
protecting me he's also protecting my son by giving me wisdom and allowing me
to look at my behaviors and my patterns and allowing me to lead with curiosity
allowing me to be you know not to overanalyze things but to to ask more
questions to allow me to feel safe I can be vulnerable about this but I'm not
going to be overly vulnerable here like I can partner and align with God in
those things and if I'm doing that then guess what I will naturally be
protecting my child okay so if you're God defended this is what it will look
like in dating it's going on a date with curiosity and discernment you're curious
you want to get to know you you're you want to understand why they do what they
do or why they show up the way that they show up
especially if there's some yellow flags
first I want you to check
okay, is this a flag because I'm fearful of this happening? How can I release the
fear and be more curious about this and approach it so it doesn't, so I can ask
a question without it seem like it's an interrogation.
It's staying emotionally open while grounded.
Being able, like you're grounded in who you are and your identity and just
because someone responds a certain way, you are grounded enough that your
emotions do not have to drive you. Y'all, this is something that I did
not realize I had to work on until I got married.
Y'all, I've been married like two and a half years and I used to, I think I
shared this on last week's call or a week before that, used to drive me nuts.
My husband has this saying, he's like, feelings are fleeting. It just drove me
nuts. Like, I'm a highly sensitive person. I'm a feeler. I'm an
empath. Like, I'm driven on emotion, y'all. I have big emotions. I have big feelings.
So, my husband says that. I'm like,
but I'm learning. I'm like, oh my gosh, I get what he means. Sometimes my emotions
can feel so big that my behavior does not show up grounded at all. I'm like, oh
that's what he means. I can still feel hurt by something, but it doesn't mean I
have to show up in a certain way that I have to go defend myself. I can put up a
healthy boundary and respond and say, hey, I know that you love and care about me
and when something like, when I did this and this happened, that was really
hurtful because I felt dismissed. I know that you care about me, but I don't like
feeling like I'm not being listened to.
Instead of having to like blow up and being like, I can't believe like you, I
mean, y'all, I can get some pretty big emotions. And so, going into another
way that this can look like in dating is responding intentionally without
reacting.
Like there's intention to your response. Like what are you, what are you trying to
solve? Are you trying to show up with that heart that of who God says you are?
And honoring and respecting who you are, honoring, respecting God, and then you're
honoring and respecting that person. And just because you do that doesn't mean
that they're gonna show up that way. Guess what? That's gonna be your response.
Like that's gonna be your answer. That's gonna be God defending you. Because
ladies, if you respond intentionally instead of react, guess what? And then
they react. Y'all, you might see that yellow flag turn red real quick. And there
you go, you got your red flag. Hey, thanks for the time. I really appreciate the
date we went on. I wish you the best of luck, but I don't see this moving in a
forward direction. Bye. You don't have to get worked up. But do you see if you kind
of start accusing somebody of something? Start like, you know, pointing blame or
oh well, you know, you did this and did it. Y'all, I can tell you, I have probably all
the stories of the things that I used to do. And still sometimes do. Sometimes my
husband is like, what? That's not what I was doing. And he's just like, what are
you talking about? And so I can show up in this like reactionary and then guess
what? If that person gets defensive or reactionary to me, guess what? Some of,
like, sometimes my husband has a pretty darn good reason.
reason to get defensive with me because I haven't been very pleasant myself.
It would only be human nature to respond in that way.
Or have you ever had somebody respond to you like that?
You know, mom, she was like this, this the other day, she was like, y'all, she was like
coming at me.
And I was like, you didn't have to get all preachy and I'm like, they didn't ask for
your advice.
And I'm like, well, I, but this is a chat.
It's an open forum.
Like it was, it was, I mean, y'all, it was, it was, it was comical.
And I'm like, I could have went into defense mode because the way she showed up, I mean,
I let my, I let my 14 year old daughter read it because I'm trying to teach her on how
she responds to people and how she can like show up and you know, your choices and behaviors
have outcomes and how you show up real, like is your choice.
Your choice will have an outcome.
And uh, I, I let her read it and she's like, mom, you should have done it.
And I was like, oh, trust me.
My flesh wanted, my flesh wanted to say a few things.
I said, but I was like, God checked me and I was like, it wouldn't have solved anything.
And I'm like, and deep down, I really do enjoy that mother.
I think she is a lovely woman.
I think she loves her kids.
Like I think she is a very joyful person.
Do we have the same beliefs?
No, and that's okay.
But if I'm someone who's supposed to be a Christian, wouldn't I want to be an example
of what that looks like?
I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to react to her.
And so it literally, I was like, I was like, I don't, I don't have to respond like this.
But trust me, like we can, like I, I, I, and I, y'all, I would have, it would have been
very, very valid.
Some of the things that she presented, there would have been some validity to me
responding the way I wanted to, but I just didn't need to.
So those are things to be looking at.
So your core question is, am I operating in fear or is it from the trust I have in God?
Practice being God defended, it builds your capacity to carry healthy love later.
Because again, ladies, you're going to have to do that in marriage and those ladies have,
you've been married before, you, you understand that this is not just to enter into a
relationship, it's to be able to sustain a relationship because ladies, let me tell you,
especially if you get in marriage with someone that is God's spirit mate for you and it's kingdom and you're in alignment with God, y'all, the enemy is going to, it isn't going to like it.
It's just truth.
They always say, Oh, like your first couple of years of marriage are the hardest.
I'm y'all, I'm, I'm literally in the first couple of years of marriage.
It is not easy.
It isn't.
You have to be able to sustain it.
You want to build these tools now.
So that when you do enter into this covenant, that's of God and the enemy is going to be like, I don't like that.
You are going to want to be grounded in God's defense and not your own.
You can't fight the enemy by yourself.
You really can't.
Okay.
So breaking these protective vows and doing the heart work.
So a lot of the women, a lot of us women, myself included, would say, Oh, I'm never going to let that happen again.
And so that statements that God is going to be like, Oh, but I'm going to do what I'm going to do.
I'm going to do what I'm going to do.
And so a lot of the women, a lot of the women, myself included, would say, Oh, I'm never going to let that happen again.
It's not rooted in any healing, it's just rooted in like,
I don't want to have to have that happen to me again.
It's rooted in fear.
I want to be able to control my future.
I don't want to have to go through that again.
And so the real issue isn't about the outcome,
it's the belief that's underneath it.
So instead of asking like,
how do I avoid this happening again?
You're gonna ask yourself a different question.
You're gonna ask, you know,
what was I believing about myself then?
What was I believing about that other person?
What was I believing about God?
What was I believing about love in general?
Was there anything that I was believing
in any of those things that wasn't rooted in God's truth?
Because those beliefs are gonna shape your decisions.
Because again, what you believe you become
and what you become, you attract.
Your beliefs will shape your identity
and your identity will then come out in your actions.
Behavior follows identity.
So those decisions are gonna shape what your outcomes are.
So you need to ask yourself,
is this vow protecting me or is it gonna keep me stuck?
And does it align with truth or does it align with fear?
Y'all, I had non-negotiables.
You know, Jackie walked us through like
non-negotiables from heaven, okay?
I was like, obviously, gotta love Jesus.
That's a non-negotiable,
that should be on everybody's non-negotiable, okay?
I was able to kind of release that one to have,
I'd like, okay, God,
you're gonna show me what that looks like.
I didn't have to interrogate anybody
to know that they had a relationship with the Lord
because I honestly didn't trust myself in that area
because my son's biological father,
I thought, was a believer in Jesus
and it was very clear further down the road
that was not the case.
So I was kind of like, you know what?
Anybody can fool me with that.
So I'm just gonna need God to show me
that they have a relationship with Jesus.
So I wasn't even gonna ask the question
because you can ask a question,
you can ask someone to give you like,
oh, what do you, you know,
and they can give you a fluffy answer.
And I was like, I'm just gonna watch for it.
I'm just gonna see, I'm gonna see it
because then Jackie was even, you know,
she taught on don't be a gift inspector,
be a fruit inspector.
Look for the fruit.
Are they kind?
Do they have joy?
Do they have peace?
Are they patient with people?
Do they have some self-control?
Like looking at their life,
do they show those qualities?
And you're not gonna see those in one date or two dates.
You're gonna see that over time
after you've spent some time getting to know them,
having interaction with them.
So,
you wanna make sure that
you are aligning with truth and not fear.
So an old, like an example of this transformation
would be like an old vow of I can't trust men, okay?
I'm gonna use that one
because I feel like a lot of us
probably have used that before.
I know myself included.
So our old vow is like, I can't trust men.
Like I can't trust what they're gonna say, okay?
My son's biological father told me he loved Jesus.
Can't trust him because he clearly didn't.
There's a lot of things that he did that showed me,
you know, that he didn't love Jesus.
So I'm just not gonna trust men.
But the new truth is God is my protector.
I can walk in wisdom, discernment,
and trust without closing my heart.
So that non-negotiable was easy for me.
I was like, God's just gonna show me.
I can be open to this.
I can be wise.
I can all that.
Now, some areas where my non-negotiables were,
they had to be willing to move to Florida
because I wasn't moving.
Sarah Shelshing knows what that is.
But Sarah, you do know I moved.
I did, I moved.
What was my other non-negotiable?
Oh, I wanted a house.
another baby. I believed God told me I was gonna have more kids. I just, when God
told me that, I envisioned it the way that I wanted to envision it. I put it in
my, like with my abilities and my capacity, like okay if I'm gonna have
more kids this is what I got to do. I'm gonna have to actually birth another
child. Like that's how you have children, right?
And you know I dated guys and guys that like would tell me, oh like I've had a
vasectomy, I can't, like I'm like well then you must not be it. Next. Like oh I'm
not moving to Florida, okay next. You don't look close, oh yeah next.
And so I did this for like, y'all I was in this community for two years and
these were my non-negotiables. And finally I was just so fed up. I had like,
I was like Jackie I'm just done. I'm done with this. And she's like, Karla, like she
was just having me release the like moving part. And I'm like, well gosh
she's gonna have to do something crazy. And literally a week later, one of the
women in the community showed me my husband's like profile thing from a
Facebook singles Christian group that I wasn't even in. And I was like, yeah okay.
And so he ended up messaging me. We all thought he lived in Florida. No, he lived
in Texas. And so when he told me that, I had already had a conversation with
Jackie. And Jackie's like, well I'll just be open to like dating
outside of the Sarasota area, Florida. And I'm like, okay well whatever. And so when
he said that, I'm like, well I'm just gonna have to be open to this. And then we
dated a little bit and then he's like, oh I can't have more kids. And in the back
of my head I'm thinking, well those things can be reversed. But when I went
to God and I went and I and I asked that to God. I'm like, okay God like you can
change the heart of a guy to do that right? And he's like, well yeah Karla but
you need to go and evaluate what it is that I told you. He's like, I said you
were gonna have more children but I never said you were gonna birth them.
And I was like, what? My husband had two children. I was gonna have more children.
And their mother had passed. They didn't have an earthly mother anymore. She went
to be with Jesus. So I was just like, oh that's what that means. Oh okay. All right
God. So like I put these vows up like and the reason that I had that vow was
because my first pregnancy with my biological son was not a great
experience. Because his dad just just just didn't treat me well at all. And so
I was I I felt like I was I missed out on something and I just wanted to get
what I thought I missed out on. That it was gonna make up for the pain that I
had experienced through my first pregnancy. And so I didn't want to have
that pain be the only experience that I had when it comes with kids. And being
you know having kids. And God's like, Carla like you can redeem any story. Like
what are you doing here? Okay so those are things that I want you to be
thinking about. So again it's that your new truth. Okay really really opening it
up with what God what you can trust God with.
So some activations that you can do. You can journal what your vows are. We should
be thinking about this. Journal your vows. Ask God to reveal the root beliefs.
Release the fear-based agreements that you've made with them. And then replace
those with truth. And then ladies I really want you to make sure that you
watch. I was gonna go I I don't want to cut this a little bit short.
I tied a little bit in to kind of go along with what Jackie shared on Supernatural Saturday,
but some of you might not have watched that yet, so why don't you go ahead and watch Jackie's
Supernatural Saturday, because I think that will tie in a lot with what we're talking about today.
Um, but now the last part, let's practice what God-defended living can look like daily,
okay? Because it's one thing to, um, Susan, I'm not sure what you're wanting me to repeat. I'm
talking about Jackie's Supernatural Saturday. I was going to tie in some stuff with what we're
teaching today on being God-defended. Oh, your, okay, so yeah, your activation stuff, yes. Um,
that's what you can do is, okay, journal what your, what, have you made any vows about dating?
Like, what you're, like, oh, I'm not going to let that happen again, or, you know, I'm not going to
date a man in debt. I'm not going to date someone, you know, what are those? I'm not going to date
someone that doesn't want to have kids, whatever that looks like. Mine was like, oh, they need to,
they need to have, want more children, and, and, and, um, they need to be willing to move.
Now, my husband was willing to have more children because I came with a child,
but it didn't, when I heard that, I thought, well, this means I have to actually give birth to a
child, and God was like, that's not what I said to you. I was like, oh, okay, so not all our vows are
not wise vows. We just need to be assessing what are the root beliefs as to why we made that vow.
So, that's the second thing, like, ask God to reveal the root beliefs.
I want you looking, are there any fear-based agreements that you need to release with that vow?
So, my fear with the whole pregnancy was I wasn't going to get this, I didn't get the
picture-perfect fairy tale, um, pregnancy experience with a loving partner,
and I thought I was missing out on something, and this fear, like,
I was less than, or, like, I was less of a mother or something because I didn't have that.
That was just a lie. Like, it didn't, it didn't mean that I wasn't any closer to my birth, you
know, my biological child because it didn't look a certain way, and it also doesn't mean that I
can't have a close relationship with my bonus children because I didn't birth them at all.
So, this fear of, like, not being able to have a close relationship with the child because
the pregnancy didn't look a certain way, like, I got to let go of that, that fear, and that agreement,
and then I replaced it with the truth, which God was like,
you're called to be a mother. I mean, look, y'all, I mean, I remember even God showed me
God showed me early on in my singleness because, again, I don't know if anybody, I don't know if
I've shared this, um, my son's dad left me when I was seven months pregnant, and so
I just remember thinking, like, he was going to be without something,
like, his dad really was not going to be really present, and God showed me, he's like, Carla,
Jesus' earthly father wasn't really his biological father, like, whoever is going to come into your
life, and be your husband, and is going to be the person that's going to step into that role,
that's okay, because Joseph wasn't biologically Jesus' father, but he loved him just the same,
and so I was like,
I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,
well then that's true of any of us. So that's the truth that I started
receiving. Anytime that lie wanted to trickle in, I had to go back to that but
like that truth. Because God gives us that evidence. He gives us his word. And so
we've got to be able to go back to that truth. Okay, Susan hopefully that covered
all of that. So the daily, daily living in this posture of being God-defended.
You know having a daily prayer like just Lord surrender my fear, my
self-protection, and any of my vows to you and lean me in your truth today. Just
wake up every day like God just just surrender those things to him. Okay, when
you're in the moment of whatever it is that you're you know that's heightened
whatever that that experience. I want you asking yourself in that moment am I
reacting from fear or am I responding in alignment?
Y'all I had to check myself when that mom was sending me messages. I mean my
husband had to look like are you in your head about that? And I really wasn't in
my head like I was in my head about it but in a positive place because I was
telling like I was speaking God's alignment in me.
Like I was in that moment but I was like I'm in it but I'm reflecting on am I
responding out of fear or am I responding in alignment? Is this truth
or fear? Which one is it? Now after the interaction okay so maybe maybe you
don't even recognize when you're in it. Okay, maybe the emotions like again if
you're like highly emotional like me like sometimes you go zero to a hundred
so quick and you don't even realize it. You could just start reacting so you're
laughing because she like it too. She's a highly sensitive person too. She
knows. My emotional empath girls y'all know and we sometimes don't realize it
until after and then then we're really emotional after that right? And then
we're really in our heads and so then if so if you're not even recognizing it in
the moment okay. It's okay. It's okay. You're giving grace. Now it's after after
that interaction now you need to ask yourself did I show up self-defended or
God-defended. Let's not go to the well I'm gonna do this differently and I'm
gonna do this and that because that's when we start creating those vows of
protecting ourselves. Y'all I'm like I'm a queen at this. I'm having to learn to
get myself out of this. Okay, so what does this look like? Anchoring your worth in
God and not validation. And this this type of stuff it could start really
surfacing where those areas of heart work that we really need. You know if if
you are someone that's constantly seeking validation that's rooted
somewhere and God wants to heal it. So again if you recognize I'm constantly
seeking this validation God's gonna be gentle with you and show you. It's
setting boundaries from love not fear.
That's a huge one. You don't set boundaries to protect ourselves and
create these walls. We're putting boundaries up because you're saying hey
like I value this. This is important to me. My relationship with somebody is
important and I want to keep that intact and this is what this is gonna need to
look like so that this relationship is safe for both of us.
So we're creating a boundary out of love and we're talking about what their needs
are and hey if this happens then this is gonna happen. If this happens then I'm
gonna do this. Okay and it's not from fear because then if they choose not to
do that we're not gonna spiral.
we're not going to get all fearful, then that's when we start to try to operate
in that control. It's responding intentionally instead of reacting.
So again, if you're like a highly sensitive person, highly emotional
sometimes, you might not get this one right. This one might take some practice.
All right.
Maybe that's where they get the saying, practice makes perfect, because you might
need a lot of practice. I have to have a lot of practice of responding
intentionally and not reacting. And then staying open while trusting God's
protection. And it is like that sometimes is really uncomfortable. And so again,
this kind of ties back to what Jackie was talking about a little bit. It's
doing some of those uncomfortable things. Like you got to kind of get uncomfortable
at times. But you know, staying open to that idea. Like I can trust that God's
got this. It's gonna be a little uncomfortable. And then she even says on
Saturday, like one thing that stuck out to me is, if you go back and look at all
the stories in the Bible, anytime you were in God's like alignment, like when
God told you to do something, when God called people to do something, it was
never easy for them. It was hard.
And then, you know, she reminded us on Saturday, like we have this saying
here. It doesn't have to be easy. It just has to be worth it. Like it's not gonna
be easy, but it will be worth it. So some real-life examples. Staying present
instead of overanalyzing. Communicating clearly instead of testing.
Letting triggers reveal healing, not shutting down. So a lot of times when you
ladies have questions, I'm gonna ask more questions. I'm gonna want to get more
below the surface. And then it's practicing emotional
availability. It's gonna, like for some of us that have a hard time becoming
emotionally available, it is gonna have to sometimes, it will feel very
vulnerable. So one of the key truth is you are not just preparing to meet the
right person, but you are becoming a woman who has the capacity to receive
and sustain love. So some truths to hold on to is self-defense may feel safe, but
it can block God's best. Protective vows can often come from fear and not truth.
God-defended confidence builds capacity for love.
And you don't need to wait, because God can move now. That was a big part of
Jackie's Saturday message, if you haven't watched it.
The resurrection is now. There's no waiting. It can come early.
All right. Okay. I'm gonna go scroll through. If anybody else has any questions,
you can go ahead and put your hand up. I know I had Dana, and then there was
somebody, I think Kelly put her question up there. And then I did see a few more
questions pop up. So then I know some people sometimes have to pop off. So I'm
gonna go through and get all the questions from the chat. So then that way
if someone had to jump off, they are able to watch the replay and get their
question. All right. So Kelly, I see yours. You started to date a new person, but
was still stuck on the person that you had talked about before. So that I think
I remember that guy was the guy that for a couple years, like he was around, right?
Okay. I'm just refreshing my memory. The new person left just walked, just walked
to talk. Okay. You just want to talk through it. Okay. So let's, we've got
about 20 to 30 minutes. Let's, can we make it like, give me like the one big,
big, big thing that you really feel like you want to process through it like
right this moment. Like what's the big, big thing that you feel like you're
stuck on?
Um, why I can't like this, this new person was very, like, he
He was very kind and made sure that I was safe and came out.
I was shocked from the time my husband passed away until I found a camera in my bedroom.
He came out and put lights around.
I live on nine acres and he put lights around the farm and stuff.
But I just couldn't get over.
I kept on thinking of the past relationship and then this past relationship started texting
and coming.
It's like, why can't I get this person out of my head?
And then started pushing this new person away.
We had went on like 15 dates and stuff and I just can't get the old person out of my
head.
Okay.
So did this guy, the new guy that you were dating, you said you went on like 15 dates
and he was really nice and kind.
Was the reason for him walking away, was it because the new guy was messaging you?
Was he aware of that?
Yes.
And I was supposed to go and see the old guy's daughter and his kids and he got kind of,
he was like, he didn't understand it.
And I tried to kind of explain it.
And then my phone was like laying out and he saw a text from the old guy.
And it was like, I love you KLP, which is like this old guy's last name.
Like P is Pearl, this old guy's last name.
Yeah.
Because he used to call you.
Yeah.
I remember that.
He used to call you by his last name.
Yes.
Yeah.
He picked up, he brought over a dog panel for the dogs because I have a cat and he picked
up the dog kennel and he like left and really haven't.
Let me ask, when this new guy and you had the conversation, did he put up any boundaries?
Did he ask you anything specifically like, Hey, I don't want you texting him.
I don't want.
Did he ask you any of like to do any of that?
No, because I wasn't texting him back.
Okay.
Did he?
But I didn't block him either.
Did he ask you to block him?
No.
Okay.
Can I ask you why you didn't block him?
Because I, I know, I know, I know, and you know, and you know, the last time we talked
about this and I, and remember when I was, I had asked you, I'm like, can you get rid
of his number?
And you were like, it's going to be hard.
And I'm like, I know it's going to be hard.
You were honest with him.
Yeah.
I still like, I still have feel like I still have huge feelings for this guy.
Like I still like, I still have.
What is it that you're believing about it though?
What are those feelings attached to?
What are the beliefs about you, about yourself?
I just so wanted, I don't, I don't know.
Like the, like, I don't know that my dad, my dad started reaching out to that I haven't
seen in three years.
I'm just so confused.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Um, is your dad someone that, um, is there a lot of pain there from like your childhood
with your dad?
Huge.
There was a lot of abuse.
Is there any similarities between your dad and this old guy?
Um, he, he's just like a really free spirit.
Like my dad, I mean, he just, my dad would take off on the motorcycle and just wouldn't
even tell my mom where he was going.
Like he'd leave for a week and like be, and I could see Harry doing like, yeah, so that
free spirit, like your dad, get on the motorcycle, wouldn't tell your mom and would just go and
be free spirited.
this was always kind of had you there and then just never really wanted to
commit but just expected you to always just be there when it was necessary like
when it when it suited him right convenient it's very it's very familiar
so are you still holding on like are you still wanting some are you like could
it be tied to
wanting healing and acceptance and not being rejected by your dad and that if
you shut it off then there's no possibility of being able to get that
feeling of but they cared about me yeah all this time with somebody I mean
because you think about you you have a father like you wanted that love that
attention you never really want to let that go right and so with if that's
similar to this older this guy that you know you just let go of but still can't
let go you're still stuck on him are you afraid that if you shut it out then what
did did that time with him mean is is that something that you're fearful of
yes absolutely well that's that's what we need to get what is God's truth about
that what did you learn in that time was it a waste of time no what did God show
you in that time that made that season worth it it may not have ended the way
that you had hoped but what did come out of that season what did you grow into
what did God do
what were some of the good things for you not with that person but what did
you gain for yourself in that season can you think of anything
I came here I started doing work I mean okay where were you at before you met
him like were you somewhere where you know like where you where you at now
what I did you like you moved your locations like you moved out of state or
how no no I'm still at the farm site that my husband and I okay yeah but you
said something about work no I currently am not like I'm retired like because my
husband passed away in a terrible tragedy I get his Social Security so I
don't have okay but so then when you met this this other guy what came from that
I know I I went through the heart work like I okay okay sorry I misunderstood
you okay no no it led you to heart work okay so what's some great things that
have happened to you since you found heart work I mean I've done a lot of
forgiveness mm-hmm yeah absolutely and that's that's good and forgiveness will
happen in layers to I want you to spend a little time though spend time with
what was going on in that relationship like when what this outcome that you
have with this guy what was happening in that relationship what what were some of
the ways that you showed up how did he show up
up, then how did you respond? How did you respond? Then how did he respond? And spend
time with that. Okay. And then let's, let's dive into that, share that in the app because
I don't, I want you to start, I don't want you, I want you to process through some of
this, but I don't want you to have to wait like several weeks. Okay. I want us to continue
to keep going through, um, because you are like, it's, it's going to be time to release
this guy. We've got to look at some of those things. Cause I, like I said, I think last
time we talked and I knew it was going to be hard for you and I, I was praying that
you were just going to be able to do it. But if you didn't, like I understood being able
to read his number and being able to completely block him. Okay. Thank you. Okay. We got
it. All right. Okay. Um, Dana, I got your question next year. You said you were wondering
if something, um, something is missing about dating. You've had, um, three or so coffee
meets, but no second dates. One man actually changed as I was talking, I could see, um,
I had lost him. Okay. I don't know what happened. I was hoping going out and meeting new people
would be fun so far. It's kind of boring. Okay. Gotcha. Um, there's nothing that you're
missing. I don't think because truth be told, I think of the entire two years that I was
in last year single, I think I had one or two people that I'm actually went on a second
date with most of the guys that like I'd go out on a date with, it would be one day. Yeah.
So that the way that I had to start looking at it and the way that God kind of showed
to me was Carla, I'm just, you're getting some practice. You're finding out what you
like, what you don't like. And I'm just getting closer to your husband. And so it was just
kind of showing me like, there were some guys I'm like, Oh, that was a nice guy. I liked
this about him. And there were some guys that would, I was disappointed that they didn't
want to have a second date with me. Cause I'm like, like they seemed really nice or
I really liked them. And so what it did for me was it allowed me to see that there was
still possibility that they're like, I could be open to the idea that I would want to be
in a relationship with somebody else. And so, um, I think it would just be like, try
not to hold so much expectation and the outcome, but being that here and now, but you, you
mentioned that one guy you saw all of a sudden you saw him that you lost him. Explain that
to me. Like, what were y'all talking about? What, where did you saw all of a sudden see
that you had him? And then all of a sudden, like what was going on? And all of a sudden
you saw you lost him. Um, we were talking about, what were we talking about? Oh, um,
I had asked him about what his, uh, what's the word if he was divorced or separated or
single, whatever. Um, cause he had kids, but that doesn't necessarily mean he'd ever been married.
Um, and he, which he was very honest with me, which I appreciated. He said, technically
he's separated. Okay. I guess at that point, you know, my face is an open book and I went,
you know, to me separated means you're still married. I didn't say that out loud,
but that's just how I feel about it. I know the world doesn't feel that, but I do. Um,
and then, and he's from Africa. So we were discussing life there versus life here. And
cause Canada's very, it's a melting pot of everybody and everything. Um, and he said that,
uh, he got married. I forget what country in Africa he's from, but there it's not like here
you, uh, he has to pay the bride price to the parents and then they're married.
There's no city hall. There's no church. There's no paperwork. That's it. You're married.
And then in order to get divorced, he needs to get that money back. And that hasn't happened.
And as a woman, uh, I'm sitting there going, well, exactly how, you know, in my head,
because I put a filter on, it's like, how much exactly is a woman worth?
Yeah, that's, yeah, then now you're, now you're kind of mingling in some culture stuff there too,
like what, right. But so he's in Canada now. Yeah. He's been here a few years. Um, he studied
hard, became a nurse. He's working with the, our healthcare system now, um, and feels that his life
is more settled and he can now begin to work on some of these other things like, you know,
actually getting his money back. Um, and then, but while we were just, I guess he could see on
my face that I was just, you know, an old me would have just torn a strip off him and let him have it.
But, uh, at the same time, I do recognize it is a cultural thing and this was what he grew up with.
And this is what he knew then. It's not what he knows now. Cause we did discuss some, cause I
have been to Africa, not to the country he was, uh, born and raised in, but a different country.
But, uh, I am familiar with some of it and he said, yeah, that that's pretty much what it's
like women, children, animals, they have no value, none. Uh, and you know, if you ask any
like curiosity questions, like what his beliefs and thoughts were about that. Uh, I was trying
really hard to, um, not react and yeah, let him have it. So, um, well, so yeah, like I could see
I'd lost him already. So it's, I don't, Oh, well I did. I said like, how does that change? Cause
you know, he said at one point, Oh, cause I asked him if he must miss being there because it's so
different here. And he said, well, no, actually I'm uncomfortable now when I go back, because
you know, for example, um, I was visiting my brother and he got mad at the dog and killed him
on the spot because that's what you do because they have no value. And that's what I would have
done if I had been there too. But now I see life differently and that I don't have the same
reaction. So when I go back and I see that it's very hard for me. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's a good
thing. Yeah. I was going to say, it sounds really like, so this, so kind of going back to your
question with this, you're getting no second dates or third date, but I want you to start
looking at how each one of these dates is going to start opening you up to opportunity to do more.
Um, it's like an invitation, like God is inviting you to reflect and be like, okay, what is it Lord
that you want me to look at and do differently and see differently and celebrate? Like what is
new and different about me now that I've got heartwork? I mean, I think it's a huge win.
Like hearing you say, like I was trying really hard not to react. Count that as a win. Yeah.
Oh no, it was definitely a win. Like these are things. So I don't want you to think, well,
there's, am I missing something with dating? Am I not doing something right? No, you are actually
working like this. I mean, like to use the word working, you are a lot, you're showing up the way
we would ask you ladies to show up, being open to learning at what is God showing you in the process.
So it's not going to matter ladies. If you go on 50 first dates or you're going to go on,
you know, 10 dates with one person and then go on another 10 dates with a second person,
whatever that looks like, God gets to be in charge of this. God is the one writing your
love story. You're just surrendering being like, okay, what do you got for me next?
All right. Who's next? So again, kind of going into that, that process of, and like I said,
I had to kind of just look at it like, I'm just going in to see what is it that I like and what
I don't like. And I'm just moving one step closer to the person that's actually my spirit mate.
And so, and I mean, I'm not saying that there were not times that it was disappointing,
but that's when I really leaned on this community. And in those moments when I would feel disappointed,
I did.
just ignore it. I went and searched what was it that I was really believing and
really started a process and like reflect on where does this feel similar?
Where does this feeling feel similar? Is there something God's trying to show and
heal in me? And so that's what I like because I think it's like I said I think
it's a celebration that you were like hey I didn't react. I would have let him
have it. Well he left intact so I think it's a win. Yes absolutely. So I would
even go like what what would have caused you to like in the past to have reacted
differently? Like what does it say about another person that made you feel like
you had to defend yourself or you would attack somebody and and now reflect on
how you know what I don't like that but I don't have to now respond the same way
that I did. Because I agree I ladies my whole like again this is my opinion. I
would prefer and encourage you ladies not to date men who are not
like not divorced. Does that make sense? Like I you can't really date someone who
who is in a covenant who's still married. Like how are you going to be in dating
someone looking to potentially get married if they're still in a covenant
with somebody else? Like that's not something that I would encourage. Now I
know there's different circumstances for different people. Some people have been
separated for five years but there's custody battles and estate battles and
all those things or the marriage has just been over but there's certain
technicalities and law like all of that kind of stuff. But again I would I would
want that stuff to be settled before moving into that. But does that mean
you're gonna always know? I don't want you ladies being so suspicious because I
don't want y'all sitting here interrogating men about their past
relationships because really I wouldn't even encourage y'all finding all the X
files out. And that that again kind of goes back to what we were talking about
that suspicion thing. Showing up in that here and now and kind of just learning
about who they are and seeing their fruit. Believe it or not ladies when
you're God defended let me tell you some of the things that you will find out. You
will be surprised what God will let you see and how like some of these truths
can come out. And if you don't believe me y'all go to eight o'clock tonight with
Ebony because I know Ebony's got some stories. She's told me some of these
she's like Carla I wasn't sure and then all of a sudden it was like she realized
that someone was still married or something. And she didn't even ask but it
just like got highlighted to her by something or somehow. Like y'all I even
went on a date with somebody this was before heartwork and I met them online
and I had gone out on two dates I think with this person and I was at my
hairstylist and I was talking about this date this guy and he was shorter and I
and then I said his name and I was like yeah he's really really short and she
asked me and she's like and his name was what and I think I had a picture and
she's like um that's my boss's boyfriend and I was like what my hairstylist so
like and I didn't like God just I was just having a chat with my hairstylist
and she's like well that guy sounds familiar what's his name again do you
have a picture of him and I was like what and he had to cancel one of our
dates and it was because he had to watch his friend's kid well guess whose kid it
was it was his girlfriend's kid
I was like you got to be kidding me so you'll be surprised like you will you
will find that stuff out eventually or they'll just offer it to you and I think
yeah just being able to be like okay well tell me more about that well that's
interesting and you can politely disagree with people you can I had to do
that this week and I had to politely disagree with that one mother like okay
well that's that's not how I would see it like that's not that's not something
that I would align with that's not what my faith and that's not what you know my
beliefs are but I appreciate you sharing your insight with me I mean we can get
along with other people that don't have the same beliefs as us and we can still
enjoy ourselves with the person we might not enjoy them or their beliefs but it
doesn't mean that we have to show up not enjoying ourselves does that make
sense so I think you know you're doing a great job by recognizing you know wins
that you're having don't think that you're doing anything wrong you know
there's just gonna be you know people that you're gonna get to know and you're
just be like yep next next next and that's totally fine find things that like
you do like about them and things that you don't and then see what God reveals
to you in in those moments and what it is that he's wanting you to work on in
that in that time but it sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one so and I
like that you're I mean but you're going out and you're you're getting date and
like that's that's the thing is getting experience you know putting it into
practice is definitely and I find too that I'm I'm a lot of stuff does does
God doesn't reveal until I'm actually out with someone or I'm well I'm not in
a relationship but when I'm in a relationship and then these things come
up it's sitting here by myself nothing really comes up I asked myself the
questions I get nothing so I need to get out yes if I'm going to ever continue to
grow and learn yes so ladies she just said something so true especially my
girls that just came in this phase and they're like well I'm not dating yet I
get it y'all I spent I spent a year not dating in this program because I was
like I'm not gonna date there are gonna be things that get revealed to you once
you get in to the dating world because you've done the hard work without dating
so now you're gonna start dating and it will allow things come to surface so
getting out there and seeing what things trigger you or what responses you have
to things what how you react how you respond how other people react and
respond to you it will show you so much and these are things that we can unpack
in the app and on our calls all all good things okay thank you so much Dana all
right I'm gonna keep scrolling here because I know I think I saw a few more
questions difference between phase two and phase three phase two which is what
we're in now it's gonna be a little bit smaller so it's it's we kind of spend a
lot more time really focusing on dating since you just came out of heartwork
phase three is no different you're gonna have women and and then there's there's
the men in that program too so there'll be you know events that you go to and
calls that you go to with men and the women but you will just specifically
like when you're asking questions to the coaches and things you're gonna have
women that have been in the community for you know a few months a few weeks
well they wouldn't have been here for a few weeks because you would have been in
phase one and two for for much longer but there's women that what that were in
the program when I was started the program in 2020 there's a few ladies
that are in there still so there's people that were in there and then got
in a relationship were engaged and then things didn't happen so now they're back
in there again so you're gonna have people from all different levels that
have been in this community and there's more teachings that are there we'll do
accelerated heart work over there in phase three I
Honestly, here in phase two, I try to incorporate the dating and the heart work together.
I try to have fun with it too.
We want to have fun dating, but we also want to show up differently.
We want to utilize dating differently.
So what are we going to learn and grow from it?
How can I use the heart work tools to apply when things come up in dating?
But that will happen in phase three as well.
But I don't believe that phase three has weekly calls like we do.
I think they might be bi-weekly or sometimes they might have two calls in one week.
I don't really pay attention to all the calls that they have because I'm usually focused
on your phase two.
And then Kathleen, I don't know if she's still on here.
She asked, what's the last year single code for the single city's Facebook group?
Nancy, thank you so much for answering that.
It's in the resource tab.
There is a code for depending on what city it is, and so that is on that document.
So if you are looking for that single city, again, you're going to want to pick something
that's close to you.
And I know some cities are not near you.
Find the closest one to you or at least one that you can visit and sign up that way.
Let's see.
Let's see if I can get any more questions.
Yep, won't let another man hurt me ever again.
Yep, that's definitely a common vow that I know many of us, I know I made that.
And Michelle, so you have some questions that you need to put in the community.
So I want you doing that this week.
Okay.
Is it a bad thing to see if they have past records?
Okay, that's a good question, Lovelette.
It's not going to be a bad thing.
I just don't want you ladies going and like investigating that stuff.
Because if you are literally like, if that's what you're looking for, ladies,
you're going to find what you're looking for.
So I don't want you to spend so much time and so much like anxious, you know,
energy on like, I've got to go find what's wrong with this person.
If you're going to be finding, if you're literally in your head saying,
I'm going to find something wrong with this person, guess what?
You're going to find something wrong.
You are going to like literally come up with something in your head
that's just going to be wrong.
I truly do believe that God will allow things to just surface.
Believe it or not.
When you come to the table with curiosity and you ask curious questions,
and you really do truly want to know, not because you're afraid
or you're trying to interrogate them or, you know,
prove that they're not a good person.
Like you'll be surprised like some of the things that you find out.
And then there is a groundedness that comes with it, that it will not faze you.
That you'll just be like, oh, well, that's interesting.
Okay, well, thank you for sharing that with me.
But it's, you know, about 145.
I got an appointment at two o'clock.
So it was such a nice time getting to know you.
How about we connect here in a couple of days and we'll see where we're both at.
And if we want to proceed doing this again.
And then you leave.
Or you hang up the phone.
And then you say, yeah, you know, I had some time to think.
I don't see this moving in a forward direction.
I wish you the best of luck.
Like, and you're not, like, it's not going to cause a reaction in you.
Because you're leading with curiosity.
And you're not like worried about being fearful of something.
Does that make sense?
So hopefully, I know you're at work.
So you can't probably respond.
So I don't think it's a bad thing.
I think it's a God thing when it gets revealed.
Not coming from, like, you playing detective.
Does that make sense?
And then, okay, so I think that got done.
Yep, she did that.
Okay, I do see Nadine.
Yep, she's in and out of work.
Okay.
in the app too and so I've got to go in today in the next few days to kind of
see because I've got to go back ladies and still I'll respond to you but it
does not notify me if you respond to my response to you so I've got to go back
and go search all of that stuff so it does take me a little bit more time but
know that I have a system now where I'm like writing these things down so that I
go and follow up because I know there were times I was like I know I I know I
responded to somebody and I cannot remember who it was and then I can't go
and I go scroll and I can't find it so I'm like I'm gonna start writing it down
so I can always go verify and then if we do just send us another post and say hey
a few days ago I responded and I don't know if you saw it so and I I haven't
gotten the updates about the app and what they've been able to get worked out
yet so I'll have to do that okay I'm just seeing if there were any more
questions here
okay yep I find I have to stop making up stories about what the man is like
thinking based on the profile that's so yes like we can read a profile and like
envision what they are like whether it's good or bad like some sometimes I had to
watch myself because then I would get this like fantasy oh this me must be
this great person and then all of a sudden that like and that's what I want
to believe and then they start like maybe I was interacting with them or
went on a date with them and they would start showing some yellow flags but I
had already envisioned them to be something wonderful and spectacular based
on what they portrayed in a profile or how they showed up maybe on a first or
second date or something and I wasn't looking at the flags okay and so I was
like my my thing was I there would be red flags and I wouldn't see that there
were red I would look at them being like oh that's not a red flag that's oh it's
okay that's probably like a lime green flag or maybe slightly yellow
I was just not like I was just you know I I had so much grace for everybody
because I just wanted I just wanted to be in love and then what happened then I
kind of switched to the other side everybody had a red flag once you've
been hurt so many times you're like that's red flag mm-hmm
nope red flag red flag red flag I mean I was like I don't know what those people
on the the referees in soccer I think goodness my youngest does not play
soccer he's he wanted to and he was good and then I we transitioned him to
baseball he's asked to play soccer again but I'm like please no cuz I don't
understand that sport but it was like all the red flags I'd be throwing them
at everybody and I know some of y'all do that too because you'll sit there and be
like oh he did this and this is a red flag for me and and then I'll come
behind there I'll be like okay I can see that you don't like this but honey this
isn't a red flag this is a yellow let's get curious let's be open to finding
some more information out and sometimes those yellow flags do turn red and
sometimes those flags that we thought were red that are actually yellow
they'll actually turn green too does a man exist that is actually okay with
losing yes they do they just won't tell you
that's funny so okay Lou you said I literally did that with the guy I'm
chatting to he told me he was between churches and my immediate thought is
I've been here before and what it really means is he doesn't go a month later he
is telling me about his new church and how it's such a good fit for a son to so
see I love that so sometimes people can be in between churches or you know there
was a season y'all like I wasn't going to a church I was actually like this
community was my like spiritual you know connect like I looked like Jackie
is always like she's very Holy Spirit filled and I would like
what we would be talking about or whatever like that the messages that she
was speaking on always spoke to me and I mean even now like Supernatural
Saturdays would is typically aligned with the things like my pastor does or
things that I watch from other churches because now after COVID it's like
everybody puts their stuff on on you know all their sermons are everywhere I
mean my husband and I have like three four or five different like pastors that
were like oh we want to watch this sermon series we've gotten to the point
now we really don't watch a lot of television if anything we watch a lot of
sermons which is nice so like you know so yeah I love that so don't just write
someone off right away just because they don't go to church or they or they're
not a certain belief or faith is you I know you know I and Bethany would
probably be okay with me sharing this because she shares this before is you
know she had some hesitations about her husband Brian because he wasn't the same
denomination as her and you know she's actually has shared how it's grown her
and her faith in her by being able to experience with her husband pastoring in
a different church and now that they've they've moved on and he pastors somewhere
else and they've moved but like she would have missed out on some really
incredible opportunities because her husband is a really awesome guy and so
like at first that was kind of a mmm it's not the same denomination I don't
know if we'll really get along and you know it they're they're like perfectly
matched for each other and yeah I don't think Kathleen is still here but she was
the one that was a single mom about like how do we not waste time with someone
without being self-defended and so again if I want you ladies this comes up often
and I can't remember if this was part of the teaching I did a few weeks ago or
not I want us to really spend some time talking about this wasting time I get
this a lot from us ladies in phase two we don't want to waste our time with the
wrong person however I want us to shift out of this mindset that we're wasting
time like time is scarce yes I get it we only have so much time on earth but
it's what we do with that time and what God can do with that time so you might
go out with someone that's not your person but by going out with that person
what can that time with them what can God do to help reveal something to you
that's gonna grow you into something bigger does that make sense I feel like
that was a lot of words but being able to look at each day in each opportunity
as something to grow in that God is going to God's gonna give me a new like
new vision new wisdom new something with each opportunity you're gonna be able to
gain something from it he's not gonna let anything go to waste like God does
not waste time
I feel like we're the ones that waste time
we waste time because we don't look at things as value
so that's kind of what I wanted to touch on with Kathleen I know she had to jump
off but you know what can you learn you can learn so many different things about
yourself y'all I learned more about myself with some of the bad dates that
I've been on and then I learned like like one of the things that I loved is
learning wow I'm not attracted to these these guys anymore like those were the
guys of guys that I would be attracted to the ones that weren't good for me
those were the ones that I wanted to go date and then all sudden I'm like get
some hard work and then I'm like oh that's not attractive and then I was
recognizing I'm like wow I what I wish I was not attracted to this for like a
decade ago I would have saved myself some time but I was embracing the fact
you know what I didn't have to I was
learning about it now, and I was embracing it. I knew that God was going to do something with it.
Okay, so Suzanne had some things here. Okay, I felt difference between those two types lately.
I was chatting since a week, was saying how happy he was by writing. I'm so thankful that I met you.
I could scream. It is obviously that Jesus made us meet. My old self-defended was scared. My new God
first calmed down and peacefully replied, well, let's talk on the phone and see how we move on.
Exactly. So yeah, she's recognizing like, whoa, that's a little much. Like I'm a little scared
by that, but she was able to approach it like, hey, I'm going to set a boundary
and let's do this first. Y'all, my husband, I always laugh at this because we talk about,
I share the story all the time. And he thinks it's funny that I share it with y'all because
his thought process when I shared this with him, because he was coming to visit me.
The first time he was living in Texas, I was Florida and he was coming for like a weekend.
And he's like, so am I going to get to spend more than like one day with you? Like, am I
going to get to see you multiple times over the weekend? And I had never met him in person.
And like, and I didn't follow like the guardrails of like even having a phone conversation or a
video call with him. And we had been chatting through text message for three weeks. Like
that was a big oops on my part. Like we don't advise you ladies to do that. And so I was like,
I hadn't even like talked to this guy on the phone except the night before. And so he's
asking me like, so do I get to see you more than once on the weekend? And I was like,
uh, let's like, let's see how we get along. Like when we meet each other first,
because I'm thinking I'm not going to promise you like I'm going to hang out with you multiple
times. What if you're weird? Um, and he didn't say this out loud, but he told me he did think
about it because he says, when you said that, I thought to myself, oh, she's right. She could be
crazy. And I was like, yeah, no. Um, but I was like, yeah, like I wasn't going to promise to
hang out with you like more than once. Like, cause you know, I'm, I'm an honest person.
I don't like to make promises if I like can't keep them. Like, I'm not going to tell someone
I'm going to do something and then not feel like I can follow through on that.
Like I don't like that makes me very uncomfortable. Um, so yes. Okay. Yeah. Then
people were writing down the questions. Um, perfect. Thank you for doing that.
Um, okay. Michelle says I'm talking to a new guy. Heard God say, he's not the one either. So what
do I do keep talking to him or say goodbye? Okay. Is Michelle still here? I don't know if she is or
not Michelle. Um, that's a good question. Okay. We don't have a whole lot of time,
but I definitely want to, um, I say, why do you think he's not the one?
Why do you think God said that? Has there been more than one confirmation from God?
Um, I heard him say he's not the one last night. Okay. And then I heard him say it again.
During my prayer time this morning. What, what do you think led to that? Like,
what about him? Do you feel like, do you feel like there's something about him? That's like,
does it make sense that you're like, Oh, it doesn't, it doesn't make sense. Good. Okay.
Um, I say like, well, then can you ask God? All right. He's not the one. Is there a reason
that you want me to
interact with him? Is there, is there a purpose in me going on a date with him?
Is there something that you want me to see that this way, maybe is it you go out on a date with
him, but don't have the expectations of him being the one, but then God's going to reveal something.
Okay. Yeah. Start shifting some of your questions. Start taking some of these
different questions to God. That would be my advice. Yeah. Um, okay.
Sarah, I love it. You can come to Texas girl.
All right, Kathleen, and yeah, she's not here,
but I'm gonna read her question, I think.
Is this kind of profile post too self-protected?
I love the outdoors, camping, animals,
early mornings, and hands-on work keep me grounded.
I've worked ranches and stables across Pennsylvania,
Ohio, Texas, and California.
I'm a mom with three kids, old enough to stay home alone,
young enough to live with me, full custody.
If you read this reply, I'm counting the cost.
Face centered, no pretense, gray hair, but full of energy.
I spent 27 years teaching art
and now run a local independent business.
I value real connection, growth,
and building something new.
I don't think that's, to me,
that does not sound self-protected at all.
That's letting us know what you enjoy.
You are hardworking, like you enjoy being outdoors.
It sounds like you've got experience there.
I like the fact that you share that you have kids
and that you're also sharing that you have kids
that are old enough to stay home alone.
Because for some guys,
they might not want to date you
because they might struggle with the idea
that they might not get to spend as much time with you
if you have younger kids and can't find sitters.
That was something that I had to struggle with.
Some guys were like,
I want to be able to go out more frequently
and I couldn't do that.
I had my son 95% of the time.
I don't think that's being self-protected at all.
I think you're being very open.
I've got kids, but they're old enough
to be able to stay home.
So it's not like I have to organize something.
But they're still young enough
that they have to live with me and I have custody of them.
So I still care for them.
So I think that's important.
I think she's being specific of like,
hey, this is, I'm face-centered, I have energy.
She lets us know a little bit about what she did in the past
on what she's valuing.
I would even, Kathleen,
I would share what qualities and characteristics
do you find attractive in the opposite sex?
Like what are you hoping,
like what draws you to another person?
So, I mean, obviously having connection
and being meaningful, like explain that.
What are some ideal dates even?
Things that you enjoy doing for like first and second dates.
So hopefully if you're watching that replay,
that helped you.
I think I've got,
okay, so Sarah, I hope,
were you here to hear the wasting time?
Okay, good.
I know you stepped away for a quick minute.
Okay, and Nadine, I'm gonna go back in the app.
Is this one that you've put on the app,
the question that you had about answering the text
and understanding how to navigate?
No, that one just came up,
but I can put it in the app.
That's no worries.
Put that one in the app.
And I did quickly see,
earlier this morning,
I don't think I've gotten to respond.
I like that you are,
I think it was, was it you?
You're going and staying in a hotel, correct?
Yes, but I was even trying to figure out
if that's even appropriate.
I mean, we've had four or five dates now.
It's been a month and two weeks.
So I'm, I don't know.
I just wanted feedback,
but also like I'm not in the best headspace.
I've just had so much going on this week.
So there's a lot that I'm realizing.
Do you need to just put pause
and just ask them like,
hey, can I do this another weekend?
I was thinking about that too.
Yeah.
It's okay to put things on pause
if you've got other things in your head too.
Like you don't need to overwork this.
I think you remind me a lot of myself.
And correct me if I'm wrong,
are you like, this is how I was.
I was like a rule follower.
Like I like to follow the rules.
Like I want to be told like this,
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
Is that how you are as well?
I think so.
In some ways I'm getting out of that
and I'm trying to be free,
but I think this is why I like the rules
because when I don't have the rules,
then I'm not good at keeping my own boundaries.
And then when that happens,
then I beat myself up.
And then it's like this cycle.
Like I'm literally like tracking everything
that happens in my mind as things are coming up.
And there's just so much where like,
I'm just seeing.
Like even before I got all the healing,
like a lot of the relationships,
whether the guy was good or not,
I'm just seeing like how unhealthy
my mind patterns have been.
So yeah, some of that's coming up with this guy.
He's not doing anything, but I'm mad at him.
Not that he's done anything.
One of those situations where it's like,
you didn't do anything.
This is all me.
So what helped me, and I'm just sharing this
because I can relate to this on so many levels,
so many levels, the thought process
and the mindset that we get into
and the thinking that we kind of get into.
And it's like, someone could be doing something
or not doing something and I'll go there.
I had to learn to kind of start looking inward
and really getting to like really spending time
with the Lord and asking, okay, what is it that I value?
Lord, who do you call me to be?
Like, I want to abide in you.
These are the things that I wanna align with.
What would you like?
How would you like me to show up?
Because here's the thing.
God is a God that gives us choice,
but he's also created us to be certain,
like we are who we are.
Like, are you kind?
Well, yes, I'm kind.
God created me to be kind.
Okay, I have a choice on how I show kindness.
Doesn't mean I have to follow rules of how to be kind.
I have a choice on how I show up in my kindness.
And so as you reflect, okay, God, who am I?
Who have you created me to be?
What do I value?
What's important to me is important to you.
So now I have a choice on how I show up.
I don't have to follow a rule,
but when I get the choice,
I'm going to choose the way that you
have already made me to be.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Like spend time more looking at who you are
and your identity and how you show up in that way.
And not so much on,
cause here's the thing,
if you're looking at like how others show up
and how if this, that,
or I've got to show up this way
and that your head will go that way.
I've been doing that in my marriage even
and with my bonus kids.
I'm sitting here thinking,
why am I constantly like in my thoughts like this?
And it's because I love and care about my family
and my husband so much
that I just oftentimes don't want to let them down,
that I overwork it.
And then that eventually still lets them down
because then I'm not showing up authentically.
I'm showing up by overdoing something.
And so when I sit back and be like,
I am a kind mother and God is showing me each day
how to show up in kindness with my children.
Not in how I think they want me to show up,
but how God is showing me to show up.
So spend time with the thought,
you can give me rules,
but at the end of the day, you created me for free will
and I get to choose.
And so if you've got a lot on your plate right now
and you say, hey, I've got a lot going on.
I want to spend the week kind of clearing my head.
Can we reschedule for another week
with that be okay with you?
You're able to do that
and you don't have to worry about how he responds
or doesn't respond.
Because if you believe that God is calling you to show up
and honor you and who he's called you to be,
you're not gonna do anything wrong.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I think everything that you said is like spot on.
And I know that the Lord's trying to teach me
to take care of myself
because I can't pour from an empty cup.
And I think this is, it's so hard for me to do that because I've trained myself to always
give, give, give to everyone else.
And I think that's why right now I'm just like depleted because I'm like, I'm so empty
right now, but it's kind of hard to hear from God.
Go sit, spend time with the Lord.
Like I had to do that a couple of weeks ago.
I had to literally just be like, I am not doing anything.
And I just sat and worshiped and prayed and journaled and just, I mean, I was in my Bible
and worshiping and pray like first, probably a solid week because I was like, Lord, what
I need to hear from you and it, it will really do you some good where it was, it will do
you so much good.
And being able to reflect on where, like what's that rooted in trying to please everyone else
and do for everyone else.
Because we, we tend to do that and it's still like we people please, but it's tend to, it's,
it's still manipulation.
It's a, it's a really weird form of manipulation of I'm pleasing person because I'm wanting
something.
I'm wanting them to respond a certain way.
So you see how that manipulate, I manipulate, I want them to respond a certain way.
So I'm going to do something that will get them to respond the way that I want them to
respond.
Okay.
And I'm going to sit here and be like, I have a good intention because I care about them.
But do you see how it, the way we operate in it isn't very healthy.
Yeah.
Like once you start looking at what is it that I'm trying to get and why, and then replace
it with what is it that God actually says is true.
I was always like, so for example, I love to have things clean and organized.
I'm a person of structure, structure, organization, clean, or like, that's just me.
I value it.
I love it.
I operate really good out of that.
I'm my best self when things are like flowing like that.
My kids and my husband, they don't see like, they think you just want everything perfect.
And I like, I started carrying that as a negative thing.
And I'm like, wait a second, that's not true.
It's not about perfect.
It's about the love and consideration that I have.
But I was trying to force them to do what I wanted them to do because I wanted them
to see me as loving and all that.
But I was like, I don't need to force them to see it.
I already know I love them.
So I just need to show up.
And it's not about the perfection.
And so that, and it's like, since then it's like, oh, everything flows.
So it's once we can sit and see and watch how we can operate in that, it really does
unlock a lot.
So if you have to take a pause, you're allowed to do that.
Thank you.
Can I ask real quick, there's a text message and I really don't know how to respond.
Okay, I'll make it super quick.
But we were talking about like the basketball brackets and I'm not a sports person.
And I guess the way that I responded, he thought that I was talking about the dating
apps.
And so he said, I misunderstood your message.
I thought you meant you deleted the Facebook dating app because early on in our conversation,
he had deleted his and he said that he just prefers to just get to know one person at
a time.
And we haven't talked about it since.
And it's been a month and like two weeks and we haven't really talked about like where
we're at.
And we've been enjoying, you know, getting to know each other.
And so then he said, I guess it's not really a separate app, haha, I wanted to size up
the competition, and then changed it back to like the bracket thing.
So I guess for me, my initial thought is, okay, like, I don't know, I kind of look at
it like, okay, so you're fine with there being competition, so you must not be that interested.
You know, or maybe, okay, is this overanalyze, are you overanalyzing what he's saying?
Are you going to get curious?
Okay, then help me with this.
There we go.
That was the first like, that's the first thought like, let's not think about well,
oh, is he thinking this?
Is this why he said this?
He could just be saying it because he's nervous or he's like, who knows, like, are they're
just trying to be flirty?
Like he's trying to be witty.
like
Sometimes guys don't think before they open their mouth. I have to say that kind of quiet because my husband did come home
he's in his office, but
But yeah, so I wouldn't don't don't overanalyze it don't think it you know
That would be my advice how do I respond just get curious about it? What do I ask?
Well, I mean
Hmm
Like usually I'm really good at this kind of stuff like I can because I'm pretty witty about things but
Is this this isn't the guy that you're going to go visit is it this is him I'm I
Ebony I was telling her about just it was overwhelming with all the trying to keep
Talking to other guys and with all that I have going on
And so she just encouraged me just to keep getting to know him
So if something naturally comes up for a date with another guy, I'll I'll go on it
But I'm not kind of actively pursuing anything else
Okay
so
Last year, okay with last year single like we definitely want men leading the exclusivity talk
Okay
Like that one I think is is huge sometimes though depending on the male
or if we've
Made it awkward because I'm a I'm a person that can make things awkward sometimes. Um,
They can get the wrong message and then they can get nervous about it it will just depend on his personality
Continue to still kind of get to know him and see how things pan out
You can get curious just by some of your own
questions about
Like as you're getting to know him
He'll subtly be able to I think you'll figure out whether he is interested in
getting
being more serious with you or not or dating or being and like
Getting on the app like you're gonna see like to me that sounds to me. It sounds more like
He's not really
Interested in the competition
He's just trying not to sound too eager
Okay
Well, and he made him he made a comment on the phone the other day about like when I met when I meet his brother
So it's one of those things where it's
Now that like I'm glad I asked that like his first second I thought maybe you were talking about a different person
Cuz even him like
Offering to save you money like he's showing
interest in
Consideration like he's not trying to get you to come visit him and he's been the one that I think I asked you like
Is he is he financially kind of supporting that whole thing?
Is he coming to you and it sounds like he is definitely leading that
He is and he didn't ask me to go see him
I just felt bad that like he's driven down four different times
And I just I don't know. I I used to be the person that I was like, oh
I'm not doing anything like you're doing all the work, you know
and so I'm I know the Lord's healed me in that way and so now it's like
After he's given some that I'm like, okay, I feel safe enough to also return some so yeah
I think that that will be good for you, too
It's like you open up and you're you're now you're getting a little vulnerable to and kind of showing the interest
And so what some of this?
Overanalyzing could be is because it's a little uncomfortable. Yeah, there's some risk here now
you know, you've got some guards up and you're starting to let some guards down and
So just know it will feel uncomfortable
But just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's not God
Okay
You're still safe. You're still God defending
All right, you've got us as a community here. You've got us here walking with you
Okay, we're gonna help you see blind spots and anything like that
Enjoy the process. That's what Jackie had to tell me a lot
Like she's just like go have fun with it. I just have fun
enjoy
Enjoy someone treating you well
Easier when we're in person
It's the the lapse in between and now that you know
He's an hour away and so I can't hang out on the weekends that I have my son. So it's like every
two weeks and it's like this my poor mind it's like the warfare that I've
been but he's the only person that I've had such warfare with it's interesting
time spend some time and ask yourself like what's this what's the fear what
are you scared of it's gonna reveal a lot there there's some there's been some
pain in the past there's been some hurt you've opened yourself up and you've got
me especially I mean I know this is being a single mom you know you have you
have a kid with somebody like that's pretty vulnerable and so the idea of
opening yourself up to someone else now and then it's not just you it's your
child too there's gonna be some vulnerability and then if you've already
kind of felt that that pain before it's it's gonna be it's there's gonna be
challenges there but it's nothing that God's not sitting right next to you and
walking alongside you in he's got you through that and it's it is about
enjoying that process and watch this man just show up godly to you and what
are ways that you know God is showing you know himself to you through this guy
and how you know is he doing that is this man honoring God by how the guy is
showing up not just with you but with others and enjoy that like there are
doesn't mean that this man's gonna be perfect because there's no such thing
but being able to really embrace I mean like okay I can I can go at this being
God defended and I know I'm protected but spend some time with that like it
what what is this space apart what's the fear what am I really scared of are you
scared that you know you've spent some time getting to know him and it's it's
longer distance so is there a fear that he's gonna lose interest or there's
somebody that you know could be he'd be leaving a double life or like what does
that what's that fear is it that he's not in your world or you're not in his
world you haven't seen him in his world I think it's good that you're going to
spend some time with him because if he's come down to you you get to now see him
in his environment go see him around his friends and his family how does he show
up naturally because here's the thing they're gonna know if he's not acting
like himself and you're gonna see it all over their face is it time felt like
when do you when when do you start introducing on four dates and you guys
have talked for six weeks right mm-hmm
but it's like a month month and a half I think you'd be okay with it okay I mean
at this point there's some investment now you know he's he's investing time
and money you are potentially like you're looking I'm gonna invest some
money I'm gonna go get a hotel I that to me is a risk like as well like that's
opening yourself up to some vulnerability that's okay that's that
progression that's piecing now if this was like a first date it was like the
first two three weeks I'd be like whoa let's hold on like we're getting ahead
ahead of the cart but you know it's it's been a few weeks there's been there's
been activity he is consistently coming down and showing up so there's there's
interest there but at some point because it's long distance you are gonna have to
see what each of you are like in your world but then you're gonna have to be
able to see what it would look like for you to be around each other more
frequently and what does that look like because that will look different like my
husband and I we were long-distance we had to spend longer periods of time
together because I need we needed to see how we interacted in not just when we
were in like good moods you know I had to see him in like he gives himself I'm
like a not like he's just got an attitude about something or somebody
upset him I wanted to see what that looked like or if I was exhausted I was
tired I didn't get enough like he needed to see how I was gonna show up
Like that's good.
And I would say, especially with long distance,
long distance will speed up a process a little bit too.
Okay.
You know, I mean, and you guys aren't fully
like long, long distance,
like you're not states away like I was,
but there is still some, you know, distance there.
There's more intentionality that is included.
Okay.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
I'm still gonna post a video just on some of the like,
mindsets, but I appreciate this really much.
Absolutely.
All right.
All right, ladies.
Thanks so much.
I know this was a long one,
but I hope I got to,
I think I got to everybody's questions.
All right.
Have a good one.
See you later.