Okay.
Great.
I just didn't hear a second, you know, why I've been here is a recording in progress.
Y'all hear is that recording in progress?
Yeah.
Gail, have you been?
Have you, did you see Carla today?
She's looking for you.
She is looking for you.
I bet she is.
Oh, all right, ladies, let's, huh, what are you gonna say?
That's the beauty of having two of you.
I can pick and choose who's going to agree with me.
It's true.
Hey, Ms. Bunny.
Hey, Abby.
Hey, Karen.
It's so good to see y'all tonight.
Good to see y'all.
Thank you.
Kelly, I hope you're getting some things worked out, getting some peace.
Hey, Ms. Tiffany, I'm making some moves.
Hey, Grace and Telly, Audrey.
I just want to speak to everybody, you know, Jody, Ms. Jean, do you say your name?
Ed, Edwich.
Did I say your name right?
Close.
Kind of.
Let's pray.
Jesus, I thank you for tonight.
I thank you for these ladies.
I thank you for what you're doing.
I thank you for a revival of kingdom marriages, and it includes every single woman that I'm
looking at, because you have great plans for your earth, and we're going to be the ones
to get the job done.
In Jesus' name, I do pray.
We thank you.
Amen.
Well, is there anyone, this is your first time on tonight, give me a wave of a heart
or something.
Thank you.
All right.
Nobody's new.
Okay.
I'm not going to spend a lot of time.
Thank all of you ladies for staying engaged.
Hey, Sarah, and keeping all of your, all of the brides encouraged and motivated and sharing
your heart and your stories with each other, it really matters and it shows us that we're
not that much different.
Yeah.
And so if you guys haven't been catching the supernatural Saturdays, you should catch the
replays because they have been amazing.
I think they're always amazing, but they have been really, really filled with some faith
that you need to grab hold to for the journey.
Don't forget there's always one-on-one coaching.
We have a plethora of lovely coaches that you can work with one-on-one.
I believe not just because I am one, but I believe it makes a lot of difference.
And so if you've ever thought about it, I say, go for it.
Now we've already prayed.
And so I want to talk about this tonight and I'm going to set my timer because I got notes
and I'm going to have them because it's so good.
It is so good tonight.
And I don't want y'all to miss any of it because I know how important it is.
So I'm going to set my time for 25 minutes.
Okay.
All right.
So tonight we're going to talk about something that I struggle with and that I know a lot
of you struggle with.
And it's this God-defending concept.
And so Jacob always says, you're God-defending, you're God-defending.
And we're like, yeah, we're God-defending, but I don't really feel like that.
And I really don't know how to do that.
And so I keep defending myself because I don't know how to be God-defending.
And I've shared with you ladies before that being God-defending is actually a faith walk.
So I kept expecting to wake up and be God-defending.
Listen, if you haven't been God-defending before you got to this program, this is not
something you practice in your life.
What you actually practice is being you-defending.
You defend yourself, you guard yourself, and especially you may be God-defending in one
area, but you may not have ever had to be God-defending in this area.
What is this area?
This area is your love story.
There are so many traumas and wounds and everything that goes flying when you start talking about
your love story.
You have to work through hard stuff that daddy did, that mama did, that brother did, that
cousin did, that dead man did, that the first husband did, that the second husband did,
and the one boyfriend did.
So look at all it.
So from all of those experiences, your nervous system is wired to protect itself when anything
that looks like love comes near.
So this expectation that you're just going to be something that you've never had to be
before is a pretty harsh expectation to have on yourself, but once you release the expectation
yourself to be something you never had to be before, you will actually have a better chance
at being. But as long as you don't give yourself grace, as long as you believe you should be,
you're going to keep acting like you should be instead of confessing, I don't know how to be,
teach me how to be. And when you become teachable, you can learn amazing things, right?
So we're going to be talking about dating differently. We're going from self-defending
to God-defending. Now, why are we so, and in this process, we're going to be breaking
fear-based vows and letting go of things so that God can write your love story.
You know, I know it sounds really good when we say it, and it's true,
all things are true, but it takes a level of faith to let God write your love story.
Because he hadn't written your love story before now. He does things a lot differently than you.
And so you just can't quite get the hang of this thing because he's saying through the program,
Jackie's putting this thing together that the Lord has shown her, come do it this way. And you're
like, I heard from the spirit, he's the one. I got the butterflies to prove it. He's everything
I've ever wanted and more. I'm going for it. I don't care about the boundaries. I don't need
the boundaries. I don't need boundaries. I know what I feel. And a week later,
you busted and disgusted. Your heart is broken because you followed the pattern you've always
followed. And then we give you a new pattern and you have to be willing to submit yourself to a
new way of doing things. But following this way, operating in faith with heaven this way,
saying that, God, you know what's best for me. No matter how long it's taking, I still believe
you're working for me. Oh, no matter how many setbacks I have, I still believe you're working
for me. No matter how many triggers that are coming up, I believe you're still working for me.
Hey, you get it. You see, it's even a journey with me saying it. No matter how afraid I feel,
I believe you're still working for me. Right. All of my thoughts about myself. I still believe
you're working for me. Nobody wants me because I'm too ugly. I'm too fat. I'm too old. I'm too
skinny. I'm too, too, too, too, too. Right. And you're still walking hand to hand with God and
believe that he's working for you. And so this is a journey. All right. So many women in singleness
walk in self defended. Who's going to defend you if you've never had to let God defend you?
I want that to be as clear. I was going to say as clear as clear as crystal clear as I can get
that for you, that you are embarking upon a new journey. The sooner you receive it,
the better you'll be able to receive whatever, whatever is the Lord's has for you. So now
it's not that the journey is a challenge because something is wrong with you.
It's because something has happened to you.
There's nothing wrong. And we think that what is wrong with me that I just can't get this thing
that I'm God defended. Why am I even worried about this? God is taking care of me.
It's not, it's not you. It's what has happened to you and your body. Your system is doing what
it's supposed to do. It is protecting you. It's saying, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
getting too close, getting too close, getting too close. This looks like my past or this resembles
this. And so these are just all parts, the inner workings of a person. Right. So what happens
we build walls, we create laws. You don't know when you say certain things that you're creating
laws, but you tell yourself that'll never happen to me again. You watch, then you become a detective.
Oh, nobody will never treat me that way again. And then you watch for anything that looks like it.
You sniff it out. You'll make it up. Give you a sense. You'll make up the whole story.
Why? Because you're going to protect and defend and guard yourself at all costs because you don't
want to feel that pain again. You already know what it feels like. And you just not going to
go back down that road again. So that's how it happens. So you make all of these inner vows
and you believe that these things will protect you from pain. And they actually become the thing
that hinders you from receiving the love story that God has for you because of the laws that
you operate in. So we're going to talk about that today. We're going to talk about being
God defended and we're going to talk about being supernaturally surrendered because you can do it.
You will do it. And if you're going to get to the love story that heaven has for you,
you have to do it. Because not every single person is the same and we cannot judge people
the same way. And it's just, you know, this is a part of it. You have to be vulnerable and surrender
to get married just in case you didn't know that.
You kind of have to, right?
So this isn't just about dating.
It's about preparing your heart to carry the love story,
to give you capacity for what's in front of you.
Because if you go into marriage,
and you can't get married,
a lot of people have miserable marriages
because they're guarded and walled up
and they refuse to trust each other.
You can be miserable,
but it's not the kingdom love story you signed up for.
I'm gonna tell you that right now.
So all things are possible,
but you want the best outcome.
Okay, so self-dependent and protective vows.
And those are the vows that I was talking about
that we make unknowingly.
So when you've been hurt, rejected, or disappointed,
your heart creates strategies to keep you safe.
That's just what the heart does.
And we think, I just said this,
we think that we're protecting ourselves, but we're not.
So let's listen to some common vows.
I named a few.
I'll never let that happen to me again.
I will not date a man who has debt.
I will not date a man who has children.
I will not date a man who lives at his mama house.
I will not date a man,
like everybody has a I will not date a man.
You can drop it in the chat if you want to.
I will not date a man that drinks.
You raised with an abusive alcoholic father,
the chances of you marrying a man that drinks
is probably slim to none.
Now, I'm not saying that you're wrong for that,
or you should date a man that drinks,
but there are people who casually drink,
they never get drunk, they never hit somebody.
That's a reality.
That's a real, real reality.
But because of that trauma and that wounding,
that's just a place that you're not going, right?
Men cannot be trusted.
I remember when I started this program,
I didn't even know it, but I hated men.
Hated.
All I wanted to do was sit in front of a man
and tell him why he was not good enough for me.
Because I believe that men wanted me to carry their load
and lead the way.
And I wasn't willing to carry the load of another man
the way I did my ex-husbands.
I just was not willing.
My back was no longer strong enough.
And so I wanted to find a way to disqualify that person,
right, before they tricked me,
or whatever my mind thought,
before I got back in the situation I was in before,
because I was never gonna do that again, right?
So go get your stuff together.
You struggling, struggle by yourself.
I'm out the struggle bus.
I ain't never gonna get back on the struggle bus again.
I struggle all by myself.
I don't need you to help me struggle, uh-huh.
So that was me.
That was my mindset, and I was locked in, all right?
So you know how did somebody say,
I got the T-shirt to prove it, been there, done that.
I got the T-shirt to prove it to you.
That was how I was.
I didn't even know that I hated me.
And here I am showing programs saying I wanna be mayor.
I'm believing God for a love story.
And that's how I know that there's so many other layers
behind I'm believing God for something.
There's so many other things that you have to work through,
because there's a real thing back there
that is hindering the thing that we really desire.
And when heaven puts his hands on something,
he's not trying to piece something together
and send you up to the altar
because you want a husband so bad.
And then you go tell somebody that it's God
that he wrote your love story.
It don't work like that.
The Lord is interested in your healing, your wholeness.
Marriage is a light thing to the Lord.
That's an easy thing to do.
But getting you to grow and heal
is the most challenging thing
because you are the one who has to surrender yourself.
And you refuse to surrender yourself.
Sometimes we refuse to do the work that's required
to make us whole and healthy.
But we will want a man to come along and be whole and healthy
but we refuse to do the work that's necessary
to be the thing that we desire, right?
So another thing is I'm not gonna allow someone
to deceive me again.
And when you make that law,
you really do become a detective.
Oh, I won't date an addict or a liar or a cheater.
You shouldn't date an addict.
I wouldn't date an addict either.
But these vows, a lot of these vows, they feel wise.
They feel protective
and they feel like you're being responsible.
But this is what happens.
They actually create the thing that keeps us down
because you apply these laws to everything.
The laws don't just stay in one little box.
They get applied to everything all across the board
and everybody becomes a threat.
Unless that man come floating in on some wings,
most of us won't budge.
And so you create these laws
and they just kind of float across the board for everybody.
And what, and the thing is, we skipped the self-awareness part.
And that's the part that is most damaging to us.
Because you believe that somebody did something to you, and you never account for your responsibility
or your hand in the matter.
See when you're talking about a relationship that you signed up to be in, we're not talking
about what mama did, what daddy did when you were a child that you couldn't control.
Those are different things.
We're talking about a relationship that you continually say yes to.
Oh, well, he's a narcissist, you still say yes to it.
You have a role to play in anything that happens in your life.
And so you excuse yourself from your role with the laws you create, and you punish the
people around you and want them to prove that there's something to be something, but you
refuse to deal with your hand in the matter.
Your hands was in the cookie jar too.
You're the one that kept making decisions to say, for whatever reason you did it.
We don't deal with the reasons why we did what we did, and that is the issue.
Because your energy will be better spent dealing with why did I do what I did so that I will
never do that again, instead of saying, I will never date a man that's an addict again.
You say to yourself, why did I stay in a relationship with an addict?
Who was that woman?
Who was I when I made that decision?
What was happening on the inside of me?
What did I believe about myself?
You understand?
What wisdom did I adhere to?
What help did I cry out loud to get?
What am I going to do differently next time?
Oh, what can I do?
How can I get me well so that I won't make those decisions again?
Are y'all tracking with me?
Okay.
And so, so we don't want to ever skip the self-awareness and move straight into self-protection.
And most of the time, we're more in self-protection than we are in self-awareness.
And that's why you're in this program, because you want to become self-aware.
Because you knew when you signed up that the first part of this program was hard work.
And hard work requires you to become self-aware.
And it continues on, especially when you start dating.
And that's why most of us say, I thought I was healed.
Oh, listen, healing is just a part of life.
It's just that everything that comes up helps to sharpen you, to shape you, to make you
stronger.
Right?
And so that's how that works.
So we create this system on the inside of us.
We create things to avoid, things to try to, traits to eliminate, and patterns to control.
And one of us could be able to find ourselves in one of those.
You're either one who's trapped to control.
What does control look like?
Control looks like if you do this, this, this, I'm not doing this.
You actually go ahead, go into the future and project things so that you want to control
things.
You want to protect yourself.
You want to stay ahead.
Right?
You go give yourself a scenario and produce an outcome, or traits to eliminate.
If a man carry a certain trait, then I ain't got no business with.
Now, they're just a man.
You can do that with a friend.
If you meet somebody and they have a certain trait, you be like, oh, no, I don't even fool
with people like that.
Right?
And then things that you're just going to avoid.
I'm going to avoid being vulnerable.
I'm not going to be vulnerable with anybody.
I'm not going to trust you until you can prove to me you can be trusted.
What's the opposite of it?
If I am aware, I'll have boundaries that I submit to, boundaries that I honor in my own
life.
See, I don't have to demand boundaries of somebody else when I submit to my own boundary.
My boundary says that if you don't honor me in the way that you speak to me, that I don't
continue in friendship, relationship, no kind of ship with you, and I don't get mad at you.
I just say, hey, it seems that we don't agree in the language we're going to use with each
other.
It's been a journey, but I'm going to have to end it here.
That is you putting yourself under an order that says, hey, I'm worth more.
I'm not going to allow something like this to happen again.
Right?
And so I govern myself from within.
So we said that these strategies, some of the strategies we use, the vows we create
may block the pain, but they can also block God's blessing.
You guys, every person, including you, me, anybody else, we're going to have yellow flags.
You're going to have issues.
You may even have a few red flags.
with those red flags are. Everybody has to be cultivated. When the Lord gives you a spouse,
they're going to cultivate something in you and you're going to cultivate something in them.
And so we have to be sensitive when we are in these processes so that we can know what is
just a cultivation area. You know, well, I'm Pentecostal and he's Baptist and we don't go
to the same church. He may be wonderful, but I'm not doing that. I don't want to go to separate.
You've got to know what to bend on. You've got to have non-negotiables that are rooted in a
healthy place, right? Because everybody has to do some changes. So let's talk about still hitting
with God-dependent versus self-dependent. I'm going to kind of speed us through because I want
to get to a lot of these things. When we are self-defended, we are living in fear, past hurts,
and mistrust. We create walls and we are rigid. We want to control things. I've said that. And
then we react from past experiences. Now you may be able to find yourself in this, but I was very
reactive from past experience. If I even sniffed that you were anything like my past, that was the
end of that story. Didn't even matter to me. Wrap this stuff up, pack up and let's go. I have a
problem with it at all. But in dating, what would it look like for you? You're overanalyzing
everything. You avoid vulnerability. You disqualify quickly. When you disqualify quickly,
there's a reason you disqualify quickly. You have to ask yourself, why am I counting this
person out already? You have to start questioning your motive. Just start questioning your decision
process. Why am I making these decisions? And when your answer comes back, I ain't finna waste my
time. You need to ask yourself, what time are you wasting? You want a hug. How long are you
going to be at this? You disqualify them out of fast, right? And leading with suspicion instead
of curiosity. Yes, disqualifying ourselves can be not, it's not being God defended. All right.
Now, what does God defended look like? You're anchored in trust in God's protection.
You hold healthy boundaries without fear, without fear of what? Without fear of losing the person.
Like this is, it's a healthy boundary. I know that it's healthy. And if you have to walk away
because of my health and boundary, then you just have to walk away because you don't serve my life
best. And I won't serve your life best because anytime that we don't know how to handle something
abuse is inevitable. It's going to happen. If you don't know the proper way to use a tool or
anything else, you're going to misuse it. You're going to abuse it. And so you're both going to
mishandle each other because you're working from two different spaces and places. All right. And
then in dating, we said it looks like, um, oh, and so we're talking about God defended living
and also respond from truth instead of reaction. I see it there. Right. Okay. So what does it look
like when you go on a date, you go on a date with curiosity and discernment, not trying to figure
out to nail somebody to the cross. Right. You're just curious and you have discernment. So you make
little notes. Um, you stay emotionally open while still being grounded. That's a mouthful. And then
you respond intentionally instead of reacting. And one way I say to do this, it helps me. I remind
myself to respond from who I am, not who they are or who they show up to be. I'm not going to let
who you be determined who I am. I get to still be me and ladies, you still get to be you. You can
show up as you, I don't care how the next person shows up. Right. Oh, well, he didn't respond to
me. I'm not going to respond to him. Well, if you respond, respond and make a decision. The last one
was respond from truth. I don't know. They responding intentionally instead of reacting.
Was it that one, Sarah? Yes. Thank you. Okay. So one of the questions you have to ask yourself,
and I know I'm saying a mouthful, but I want to get through it all then, you know,
I'm trying not to get too sidetracked. One of the core questions I want you to say,
you know, am I operating out of fear or from trusting God?
And a lot of this stuff gets muddy y'all, because you're trying to remember all the
guardrails that the program said. And did I do this right? And then I do that right. And I thought
I did this right. And I thought I did that right, but then I messed it up. Yes. Everybody do you
see it? So I just did the same thing. It's okay. You're learning. Give yourself grace to be a
student because that's who you are in this season of your life. This season will soon pass.
One day you'll be married,
so be the best student you could be.
Show up, give yourself grace, be teachable,
learn, grow, laugh, have fun.
Give it all you got.
Why not?
You're here right now.
Enjoy this phase of your life
because it's gonna equip you for more than marriage.
This is equipping you for life.
You're going to reach great heights in life.
Jackie says this, she said,
if you think being married is the prize of all prizes,
I'm here to tell you, it's just not.
It's not the highest pinnacle of life.
And I'm not putting it down,
but I'm telling you all of these tools
empower you to reach all the things
you want to reach in life, not just marriage, okay?
All right, so we want you to be anchored in the truth.
So not just to enter into a relationship,
but be able to sustain a relationship, okay?
Let's break some protective vows.
Everybody knows what protective vows they have.
If you don't know, I want us to think about
because we want to do a shift
and I want to give you an opportunity to do that.
So let's think about whatever protective vows you may have.
So many women say, I'll never let that happen to me again.
What is your, I'll never let that happen to me again?
So I'll make the statement and you fill it in.
I'll never let this happen to me again.
What did you hear?
What was your never let happen again?
And you can drop it in the chat if you want.
All right.
That's right, that'll make you feel when you don't want to.
I'm telling you that, that make you feel so, whoa!
Shira, Sheree, you done been gone so long,
I'm gonna say your name wrong.
I'm so happy to see your name pop up in this chat.
Sorry, y'all.
Emotionally dependent.
I'll never let a man make me feel less than again.
Yeah.
Flirt with other women again.
I'll never choose him over me again.
Wow.
Be with another person that battle addiction
because then they can't fall back anywhere.
Reck me.
Take poor treatment.
Not under my boundaries.
Not stressing that little man hurt me again.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Now I like all of these vows
because they're all so real
and you ladies can check them out
and I can relate to a lot of them.
Now, now that you, this is the vow that you made
and you probably hold fast to that vow
with everything in you
because that vow is your truth.
But I want you to think about the role you play
in that situation.
I didn't make my 25 minutes.
I want you to think about your responsibility
in that situation.
And that I want you to post
what you will never let yourself do again.
Not about the man, but what you will,
what boundary will you submit yourself to?
So I will never allow myself to feel inadequate again.
I will never allow myself to be absent of my value
and worth, right?
So we say, I'll never believe that I deserve treatment again
or that I have to put up with lying and deceit.
So then we make a new law that I'm gonna invest in myself
so that I can understand my value in my work.
How does this sound, Sarah?
I'll never ignore my needs again.
I'll never feel less than again.
So I will say my needs are important
and I will not ignore them.
Because what happens is
when you don't ignore your needs,
you're gonna be amazed,
people that come around you,
they won't ignore your needs
because you value your needs.
I'll never not speak about it
and bring it to the table, right?
I will say, so what you will say for yourself,
a law that you can create for yourself is,
I will honor the things that are true for me.
I will speak up for myself.
I will never allow myself not to have godly boundaries
in a relationship again.
So then what that looks like is,
I will submit to boundaries and order in my own life.
I will never take my relationship for granted again.
I will value the relationships in my life.
I will value those that I love.
I won't get engaged to pickle again,
but we'll take the adequate time to get to know a man.
I'm dating, so I can't evaluate
if he has the values that I desire.
That's right.
Yeah, Lauren, yeah, that's it.
I'll not kneel on my knees and use my voice to express them.
Yeah.
I'll wait for guys to talk to me first
so that they don't pretend not to see me or know me.
I will wait for guys to talk to me first
so that they don't pretend not to see me on,
okay, I see what you're saying, not to see you or know you.
Like, act like they don't know you and they overlook you.
Because they're trying to act like
they don't see you or know you,
but they do see you and know you.
I will submit to boundaries and order my life.
Yes.
And so any of the ones that not to get attached too quickly
and pace myself better, take things slower.
Yeah.
So I will honor pacing in my life
because I understand that relationships take time.
Yeah, all of these are good.
And so all of these,
yeah, so not being codependent or allow abuse.
So I will no longer abuse myself through codependency.
Okay.
Never let a man hurt me like that again.
I will not allow myself to be put in situations
or I will not,
I will guard my heart with all diligence
and be wise in the decisions that I make.
Because when you say never let a man hurt me like that again,
that's not, it's still putting on the man.
I don't know what part we was on, but you,
so we were trying to reverse this, right?
You guys to take responsibility for ourselves, right?
That's how we would say it.
I was an empath and enabler, right?
So that means I will submit to boundaries
and order in my own life.
The only way that we can be an enabler
is if we don't hold our own selves accountable.
See, when you're an enabler,
you're not holding them accountable
because you don't believe in accountability.
Because if you believe in accountability for your own life,
you will enforce accountability with everybody around you.
As a matter of fact, you're never being an enabler to them
because you value accountability, right?
And so when we value accountability,
we're not an enabler
because we value and honor accountability.
And we believe what's good for the gambler
is good for the goose.
Uh-huh.
If it's good for me, it's good for you too.
And that's just how it gonna go.
All right, great.
If I didn't get to, I'll talk about guard your heart
seems like, uh-oh.
Talk about guard your heart, it seems like building walls.
So the Bible says to guard your heart with all diligence
for out of it flows the issues of life.
And we understand, and this is in your phase one,
that the heart is an instrument of belief.
And that's why the Lord tells us,
one of the reasons why he tells us
to guard it with all diligence,
because whatever you drop in there is going to,
it's a seed, it goes into the heart
and the heart just nourishes.
It doesn't know the difference.
The heart don't say this right, this wrong.
That's why you can pick up things in your childhood.
A child will believe anything you tell them.
You could tell them,
I can't see you behind that pole right there.
And they will believe you.
They have a belief.
All of us have beliefs.
The heart, it's a belief system.
And so that's why the Lord says,
guard your heart with all diligence.
Don't just let anything come in and out.
Don't just let anybody speak something into your life.
Don't grab a hold to whatever you hear.
Guard your heart.
Don't hand it over on a platter.
Don't go and sit down at the table
and spill your pearl before swine.
The Bible says they may trample over it.
Guard your heart without diligence.
So it's a difference between guarding our heart
and building walls.
All right?
So,
we talked about that.
It's something, yeah.
So we're making the shift.
So it says, what was I believing about myself?
What was I believing about him?
What was I believing about God?
And what was I believing about love?
And I want us to answer these two questions.
I want to know.
What do you believe about God as it pertains to your love story?
So what do I mean by that?
Do you believe deep down in your heart that, uh, I don't really know if God wants me married,
right?
I know what we're believing for, right?
We're in this program, we're getting, we're getting ramped up, but what do you believe
about God?
Do you believe he's invested in you?
Do you believe he wants to see you married?
Do you believe he has that for you?
What do you believe about God in your love story?
Good girl, that's good.
Because sometimes you say to yourself, you know, like, Oh no, my Lord, I don't know if
he has marriage for me yet.
Anybody else have any thoughts about that?
I want to believe he does, but I get discouraged.
That's a big one.
After waiting for so long, it's tempting to believe that marriage might not happen.
I sometimes believe that God isn't sure if I should be married or not.
Sometimes I do believe he's preparing me though.
I believe the Lord does want me to be married again.
I do believe that's something for me, but I'm impatient and feel bad about it.
Don't feel bad about it, Rosanna.
It's a part of the process.
I wonder sometimes he hears about me, about my desires for marriage, because I have been
waiting so long, planning my life, including marriage and family.
It's been difficult to believe he has marriage for me, I believe, but I want the tracking
number.
Come on.
Tracking number.
Everybody wants the tracking number.
I want to believe he has something wonderful for me.
This waiting season is hard and I get discouraged.
These things are also true, and these are the things that are operating and running
in the back of our program, right?
That's why you ladies keep pushing, keep going after it, keep showing back up, keep smiling,
keep being motivated, keep being encouraged, and all of this is part of the journey when
you're walking with God and we're seeing your God defend you.
So do you see all the moving pieces that's happening?
Like these are a lot of things happening all at the same time, and they are really, really
happening.
And so that's why I say, don't beat yourself up.
I tell myself this so much, Ebony, be a student, Ebony, be a student, not be Ebony, you are
a student.
You are a student.
The father sees you as a student.
You are a student.
You are learning.
And I do that intentionally so that I will not withhold grace from myself.
This process is very challenging.
And most of the reasons why the process is very challenging is because it requires so
much of you.
It requires growth.
It requires shedding off of things that will hinder you, not just from a marriage, but
they've been hindering you in life.
And this is the faith walk.
And there's a reason why you show up here.
It's because you want heaven's best, because you tried your best and it just don't work.
It's not good enough.
You want something more and there's something more is required of you.
And so, yes, it can be a very challenging, challenging process.
And so what we're going to do is we're going to shift into
I really want to touch on that.
Okay.
I'm going to post some activations and we kind of already did it together is where you
take the old vow.
I can't trust me.
And then you're going to do a new truth.
And we just did that.
I kind of said the truth out to you, but I'm going to also post these in the activation
for the week.
So that as some come up, you can renounce that old vow and adopt a new truth.
Now, this is what I want us to do.
I want to do a faith shift.
Because these are the things we're believing your doubt, sometimes doubt, disbelief, unbelief,
sabotage.
These things are real.
And they're real for all of us.
At some point or another.
You may start out running with the horses and you get tired, especially if you get on
them data app, baby.
These things will set you down.
But, you know, and then you try to gather yourself back together and keep going.
Or even your own self.
A lot of us, because of our vows, we disqualify ourselves.
Do you know that some of us make vows that says, oh, he'll come when he comes, but you're
not really ever expecting him to come.
It's true.
Did you just say it?
Yeah.
You know, it'll work.
this, it or that.
And sometimes those are self-defense,
you're defending yourself, you're protecting yourself,
you're guarding yourself
because you don't have really any intentions
of ever stepping out
if you had to tell the truth about yourself.
And so those are also ways of self-defense as well.
And so this is what we're gonna do.
We wanna shift to everything's coming early.
I just wanted to get to this slide.
Everything is coming early.
So everything we put on here is everything coming late.
It ain't happening.
You know that song,
be coming around the mountain when it comes.
Come on around this mountain.
Why you gotta come around a mountain?
Can you just go up a little hill?
Come on here.
All right, so tonight we wanna shift.
We wanna shift to everything is coming early.
So,
the example that we have here is,
this is so much fun.
Everything's coming early.
Not later, not eventually,
not when you feel perfectly ready.
You're not gonna be perfectly ready.
You gotta get married, make your mother hold it
and make you happy ladies, right?
So it's not later, not eventually.
And we say in one of my intercessory prayer groups,
we're not next, we're now.
We're not tomorrow, we're today, okay?
All right?
And we always say my case will be different.
So this is what we're gonna do.
The principle is the Lazarus principle.
So when Jesus arrived, everyone thought it was too late.
They said, if you had have come earlier,
if you had have showed up, my brother wouldn't have died.
That's what the sister said to Jesus.
He says, but I am what?
The resurrection in life.
And so that's what I'm speaking over you ladies tonight.
That Jesus is the resurrection in life.
And he did not have to come any earlier than today.
He did not have to.
He didn't need to.
You're not next, you are now.
And so this is what we're gonna do.
Not someday, not eventually.
You know that not eventually is for the people
who guard themselves with, oh, it'll come, it'll come.
Right?
So right now, Lazarus was dead.
He was dead, dead, like his body stink, right?
And then, and that's the kind of situation
people just stop believing.
There are areas in our life that are dead
and people just stop believing.
It's very true.
And we're gonna get an opportunity for you ladies
to start digging through some of those dead areas
in your life.
It's not just marriage.
We have things that have died in us
that the Lord wants to bring back to life.
And I want you to hold to those.
And I want you to think about them.
Things that are dead in you that need to come back to life.
You're not next, you're right now.
We're talking about the resurrection in the life, okay?
So what have you labeled too late, too broken,
not happening anytime soon?
I know some of us put marriage in there.
Well, what else have you labeled too late, too broken?
Having kids.
Having children.
Yes.
Being a mom.
Yeah.
First three, wow.
Consequence of past mistakes and foolish decisions made.
Okay.
Debt.
My, my, my.
What's your dream job, Abby?
Having a marriage where we can spend a few years
getting to know each other before having kids.
You gotta make babies soon.
You mean get married.
I do.
Get me pregnant.
Oh!
Oh, figuring out when you're gonna walk in your calling.
Yeah.
What else?
Too late, too broken.
Okay.
Being an audio book reader.
Oh, you can start that tomorrow.
I've seen the process.
Health.
Your health is too late, too broken, okay?
Some of us, it may be our confidence, our openness,
our hope for love, higher annual income, okay?
To meet a quality man.
Being a mom.
You know, Jackie always says,
it's like, how do I get started?
I know.
Doing what God has called me to do.
She always says that you can always be a mom.
It's true.
I believe that there's always a child who wants a mother.
We have lots of them.
Meet a man that loves God.
Wow, relationship with my younger brother.
Okay.
There's always a child that wants a mother.
I believe that a mother is not a person
that pushes out a baby.
There are lots of women who push that babies
and those same children.
a mother so what does that tell me just because you make a baby it doesn't make you a mother
but it comes with a heart it comes with character it comes with the dna makeup of a woman a woman
carries the makeup of a mother the dna of a mother she does not have the birth of baby to be a mother
okay spiritual mothers are mentioned in the bible find a travel partner oh killer i travel with you
i'm just messing with you i just want to see you laugh ah all right all right so
all of these things we believe are too late too broken never gonna happen what happens in these
situations will create laws that protect us right because of all of these broken places but what
happens is you actually lower your expectations and that's what you're saying that'll never happen
for me so you lower the expectation all right so what we want you to do we want you to surrender
you're too late you're too nervous and not gonna happen to the lord and whatever those things are
i want you to declare over them so finding a travel take finding a travel partner jesus
is the resurrection in life and i believe that he will resurrect this for me
and i know that sounds simple but your heart needs to hear that jesus is the resurrection
in life and he wants to bring life to dead things in your life and if you've been allowing them to
lay there and be dead take this invitation to call life into them you know the lord asked um
um ezekiel in a vision was it ezekiel yeah i mean elijah wait a minute let me get my bible stuff
together
yeah ezekiel sorry so you're asking you know what these dry bones he said lord
thou know us give me one second
all right he asked him do you with these dry bones listen he said lord thou know us and the lord told
him to speak to the bones and the bible says that the bones begin to connect right and he says
lord he asked him another question the lord says speak to the wind so their breath will come into
them we know that the lord that that represented the house of israel right and the lord bringing
them back together but i'm speaking i want you to speak over the dry bones and the dead bones
in every dead place in your life and speak to the wind you be the wind let the words that come out of
your mouth be the breath that blows life into them it ain't no need to live with dead things
your spiritual womb is not a graveyard
there are no graveyards on the inside of you only life flows from you
so grab your things and begin to speak over them say i speak to you and i say live
i will be a mother that's not a declaration of if hopeful there is nothing in the world
stopping you from being a mother is nothing in the world stopping you from great getting a greater
income there are so many ideas out here that the lord can drop in your mind there's so many things
can drop in your mind there's so many things you can put your hands to
if there's a look you don't have a purpose you were born with purpose
and the lord is more excited to reveal it to you then you want to know that's true
right so are we i hope we're doing that
so
did anybody speak over their stuff that's why i was waiting so put some of your
put some of your declarations in the chat i want to see what you're saying to to your issues now
to your dead things that you're calling back to life go ahead and make one good strong breath
give give a good breath to it what would your breath speak to your dead things
you're going to be the wind what is your wind speaking to the dead things in your life
Yes, they did.
They did say it was not too late.
Rise up.
I am a wife.
Your story is not over.
I declare that I will be a wife and a mother.
I declare that I'm financially free and living in my purpose.
That's right.
Oh, I can feel the wind.
Come alive.
The Lord is preparing me to meet my spirit mate.
Yes, he is.
I declare and decree that the heavens are open over my finances and future marriage
in Jesus name.
I'm aligning myself with God.
Yes, it's going fast now, but these are all good.
It's only the beginning.
You know, I thought about this song.
I don't know if y'all know, but it says, we've only just begun.
The romance is not over.
I got a lot, a lot of love to give.
Have y'all heard this song before?
It's an old song.
I want y'all to find that song and sing it over your issues.
We've only just begun.
The romance is not over.
I got a lot, a lot of love to give.
And I believe that the Lord is speaking that over you all that you've only just begun.
The romance is not over.
You may apply it to a marriage and it's wonderful, but the Lord has a love story with you.
He is committed to you.
You only just begun.
This romance of you is not over.
He has so much love to give to you.
So much things to bring to life.
I remember one time the Lord told me, he said, go look in the mirror.
Oh, when you see the plans I have on you, when you see the designs, the way I created
you, Oh mama.
And I could hear him laughing like, you just don't know how I made you.
And I want to declare that over you.
I'm the one speaking an incredible calling to help women and an incredible man who will
love me and my little babies.
That's right.
Financial abundance to be a blessing and lots of joy and laughter.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Oh, thank you.
I miss my calling in life, huh?
Oh, I speak life and hope over my situation.
I clearly, I still have good and godly marriage and children.
Yes.
Oh, you ladies listen.
I know it seems impossible, but marriage is the light thing to the Lord.
And the most challenging thing is us growing on the journey sometimes.
I'm a wife who will be happily married to my husband.
Yes.
I'm a mother to children that I get to have raised in our home.
God makes me able.
God is the one who goes with me into relationship and marriage.
He's always with me.
Amen.
And so, especially us, you know, a lot of times, ladies who we do want children, you
know, we do, you know, let's not have a law working in us that we might necessarily might
not want a husband that's already had children or he may have grandchildren that you get
to raise.
You never know what could happen to their parents.
And now they get to be in your custody and they're yours forever.
The father can work things.
He is the source of all resources.
It's just, it's just never, it's just never too late.
So let's, let me take, okay.
All right.
So I'm going to declare this over you all.
My breakthrough is coming early.
I break agreement with delay and God is moving sooner than I expected.
All right.
Now repeat after me.
My breakthrough is coming early.
I break agreement with delay.
And God is moving sooner than I expected.
Oh, wait, they just do some to me.
So that's over your finances.
That's over your marriage.
That's over your motherhood.
You never know how God will place children in different places under your care to be
their mother.
One of my little boys in school, he, he's, he didn't have a mother.
You know, I work with a lot of Hispanics and a lot of times they just cross over the border
or their parents, they'll get enough money.
They'll come with the data.
Come, he'll get enough money to bring the son or the children over, but the mother will
still be in the other country.
And I had a little boy in third grade and he was just, it's hard for a little boy with
not having a mama.
And he was just, he had a lot of behavior issues because he missed his mom.
And so I had been praying for him and praying for him.
And one day he came home.
the room, you know, I said, I told him, I said, you know, it's normal for you to hurt because you
don't have a mom. You're actually supposed to be angry because it's an injustice. It's wrong.
God never made you not to have a mommy here with you. I said, but I have a proposal. Sometimes
God will give us people in the meantime to keep a good watch over us and to be for us what we need.
And I was wanting to know if I could fill in for your mom until she can step in for herself.
And then little boy looked at me with tears in his eyes and he said, yes. And he, he, he had so
many anger issues, so upset, but he said yes to me. And I was just praising the Lord because I was so
nervous to say that to him, but it's things like that. You know, we can not, um, can I miss the
hand of God and how he's using us to be a mother. I have lots of students who don't have mothers.
I intentionally so into them not to take the place of their mother, but to stand in the gap
until their mother comes or while they are with me, they will know a mother
and her name is miss Jones. And I am very intentional. I am very intentional to mother them.
I'm very intentional to show them that the kingdom of God is near. I'm very intentional for them to
see what it's like to be with Jesus because they get to be with Jesus through me. And so
the Lord is working these things out all around us, all around us, all around us. So
Lord help us release self-defense, release self-defense and fear-based vows. You'll get a
chance through this week to deal with some more of your fear-based vows. Teach us to trust you
as our protector, restore our expectation, show us how to walk in confidence, truth, and openness
for the love you have for us in Jesus name. Amen. Yeah. Being God defended is one of the
most beautiful things you can ever be. And I'm saying this because you feel the safest
when you're God defended. You trust yourself. You feel safe with you when you're God defended.
When you learn how to submit to boundaries and order, you feel safe.
And feeling safe is a wonderful way to feel because you trust God because he's the one
that's helping you and you trust that God is defending you and that all is well for you.
And all of a sudden you realize that you can't be bamboozled, tricked ever again.
You really cannot. You realize that nothing happens without your agreement.
Nothing happens without your approval. Nothing can happen in your life without your agreement.
That is the absolute truth. Yeah. All right. Susan, how do you be God defended in single
mother profile writing? Um, Kathleen, raise your hand and you can ask me that. Um,
after Susan, go for it, Susan. Me, or is there another Susan on here?
Susan. Nope. Okay. No, but that's okay. No, I can say my name. My name's German,
so no one can say mine. It's like Knaka, but I don't even say it like that. I just, I say like
Knoak. Yeah. Whatever. No. Okay. Yeah. So,
so we want to talk about the, what happened, right? Yeah. I don't know if there's like,
you said you wanted to say something to me in person or whatever. And so, so this,
the issue that Susan had and she posted it was that, um, or she tried to post it was that, um,
there was a misunderstanding between her and someone that she was getting to know, um, over
the dating app. Um, based all on one question, how did she deal with long distance dating? This was
a very important question. Um, Susan, um, responded to him and saying, Hey, let's just have a phone
call. And then he was like, he, um, he basically said to her that she was ignoring him and she
overlooked him. And that was true. In my opinion, when I looked at the messages, um, but, um, Susan
feels like she was just practicing what she learned and she was just practicing what she learned.
And what happened was it was just, um, misunderstanding. So when you read things,
things differently. When I read it, I read it like, tell me your experience, not tell me your
relationship. But because you're on guard against it and you don't want to start sharing your
relationships and you're like, no, I'm not going to do that again. That's what you processed it as.
And sometimes you can go back and look, I like read something one time and got so angry and
then went back three hours later and I was like, he didn't even really say that. I don't even know
why I got so upset. I've done it so many times and it's like, what happens? It's almost like
sometimes, and I'm not saying this happened to you, your emotions hijack you. Have you ever
been hijacked by your emotions? You get triggered and they literally hijack the whole process.
And you settle down and you're like, what? I don't even know why they didn't even say that
though. I don't know why I heard that. But it's actually our inner dialogue, what we're hearing
inside or internally or what we've been playing. And so, and what I was saying to you, Susan,
it's nothing wrong with what you did. It was just a misunderstanding. And the same thing he was
saying, you dismissed me. You were saying to him, you dismissed me. And for him, he was trying to
protect himself by saying, look, I don't even want to go back down this road again where this seems
like this could be a great person. Like this is what I hear him saying. And I just need to know
what your experience with long distance is because I don't want to do this again.
Just tell me, are you used to dating? Was this a year of dating or how did the distance or how
did y'all see each other? So even though he was very emotionally intelligent with his wording,
he did express himself very well. He shared exactly how he was feeling, what he felt like you did.
And it wasn't wrong. It was dismissive. The way when you read it, it felt dismissive,
but that's not your heart. And so Susan in turn says to him, I don't appreciate you telling me
I'm somebody that I'm not. Right. So he made a determination about who she was based on she
was learning. You can say, well, what else are you going to make a determination out of? But
wisdom says, I don't know this person. This is just what it seems like. And so that's all I
want to say to you, Susan. It was nothing wrong with you. If it ever came down to you being like,
if I have to tell you about a relationship, it's just like, forget it. Now I'm not going to do
that. And so, and if you wanted to reach back out to him, I noticed that you say you were
horribly offended with him. I was pissed. I was. And then I thought like, oh, he's prideful. He's
talking down to me. Cause he was all like, as a spiritual, you know, I speak and I'm,
you know, spiritual leader. And I just felt like he was trying to like, I was like,
best wishes finding who God has for you. I was like, that was my nice way of like,
I think that both of you guys did a really good job or of expressing yourself. Yeah. And I, I,
I liked the dialogue. I liked the way he didn't just cut things out, but he actually went through
great lengths to explain himself, like to share. I've never seen a man share that much
about his experience. Yeah. And so that led me to believe that he was wanting to know like what,
like if it was any possibility, because that was just kind of interesting. Give me one.
Yeah. I could have, it could have maybe been salvaged. I didn't react so much ocean.
I'm sorry. Y'all was hard for me to do this with the dog barking in the background. Yeah. Seems like
it could have been salvaged, but that's all I wanted to say. I wasn't saying, oh, you did
something so terribly wrong. You weren't wrong for, for your response. It just lacked understanding.
Yeah. Yeah. And then one thing I would do in the, but you said it, but I want you to look back at
it maybe in a couple of days and see, can you see where it was dismissive? It sounded like you,
when you read it, it looks like you just kind of passed over that you brushed over.
Yeah, no, I know. Yeah. I can see that. I asked you something and you brushed over it again.
Yeah. And I didn't even like, like, even to like, I was like, oh, I don't like how he's using my
name. Like, oh, come on, Susan. Don't do me like that. Like I was like, oh, he's using my name now.
I just had attitude. Like you don't even know me. And you were over here like, oh, Susan,
this hurt me. And oh, Susan, that I'm just like, stop saying my name. Yeah. And for me,
when I read that, I felt like he was trying to be playful. Okay. Yeah. No, that one, I think,
yeah, that one, I think he was being playful. But the other ones that just rubbed me the wrong.
way, Susan, and this and this, Susan, I was like, but that's
good. It revealed some things I can work on. Yeah, I was being
prideful. But then to an extent, I was being prideful. So
yeah, and you were just guarding yourself. You don't want to go
back down the road with another man asking you about that past
relationship. You didn't want to bring it up. You don't feel safe
about bringing up their relationship. You don't like the
person you were in that relationship. So you don't want
them to know this, Susan. Yeah, because it's none of their
business and they don't have to know this. Their relationship
can actually be talked about where that Susan, you can talk
about a relationship, even though he wasn't asking you to
you don't have to talk about it at all. But Susan, I want you to
know that if someone asked you about a relationship, you can
always say things like, yeah, I was in that relationship a year.
But we found out that we didn't serve each other's lives best.
We weren't best for each other. What do you mean by that? There
was some major differences that weren't best and best is about
as much as I'm going to say about it. You see? Yeah.
Thank you so much for fitting me in.
You're welcome. I didn't make you you haven't started your
class yet, have you?
My what?
Class.
Oh, no, no, my class is in 30 minutes. Thank you, though.
Okay, good. All right.
You've been gone so long, Shirai. You might miss you.
Hello, Ebony.
Hello.
It is. I've been gone so long. And I'm in this part of my
question. I'm so long because my class this year, my
kindergarten class has been the behavior has been woo wee. And
it's been beating me up emotionally, spiritually in all
the leaves.
Oh, wow. Little bit of kindergarten. My word.
So it's been rough. And some and so I've kind of like, because of
everything that's been going on at work, I really haven't really
been engaging in the dating thing at all. And, and, in fact,
like some, some disagreements that I've had with my principal.
It's really like it, like, I've literally been in tears. Leaving
work and out of office. It's been, it's been really bad. And
so and I guess it's brought up some things as far as like
dealing with conflict with men. For me, and so and just because
of just because I came out of a home as a child, where my dad
was, you know, verbally abusive towards my mom. And so anytime a
man like raises his voice, or, or anything like that, it's, I
shut down. And so that makes me, you know, getting into it with my
principal, kind of like, brought that back, because I don't know
how to respond in conflict with men, you know? Right. And so that
makes me think about how do I, how would I react in marriage or
relationship if I can't even like, know how to like, have a
conversation with my, my boss, you know what I'm saying? So I
want to ask you about that.
Right. So I think that interacting with your boss is
just a really good experience, because it's discovery. And so
now you've discovered something about yourself. And the root
cause of it is whatever happened in your childhood with me. And
so now, you don't have to wait until marriage or say, well,
what's going to happen when I get married? Because you can
actually deal with the root cause of it now, because it has
come up now. Will you get in marriage and still respond in
certain ways? Yes. But that doesn't mean you have to go in
the way you are right now. But you can actually start the
healing process in the area. Because now you know what it is.
And so what you have to do is track down the lie that's
attached to it. Because there's something you're believing.
I get I just I get I freeze whenever, anytime there's like
conflict, I don't know how to like, express like express
myself and, and feel like
Like in the moment, I freeze.
And then later on, everything I wanted to say,
you know, thoughts come right.
I should have said, I should have said, I should have said.
Oh yeah, why didn't you say this?
Why didn't you say that?
Right.
But you know, I don't wanna say psychologist.
I wanna say scientist, whoever they are.
They said that we 1,000 times faster than a second
respond the way we are wired to respond
before we respond logically.
And that's why I asked you to wait before you respond
because you're naturally gonna respond
the way you are wired to respond,
the way you were shaped and cultivated to respond.
It happens so much faster,
a thousand times faster than a second,
you will respond the way you were shaped
and cultivated to respond.
So sometimes, I would say, take a deep breath and wait.
Well, I don't always pull it out so well,
but you can keep working it.
But I wanna say this to you, Shirai.
Both of us are teachers and you have access to therapy
for like 30 bucks a session.
Do you have a therapist?
No.
I wanna encourage you to get a therapist.
And I wanna encourage you to get a trauma therapist
because I believe that it's gonna be very helpful for you.
We've been on this journey for a while.
So I know that the wounds you've inflicted from your mother
and I know the wounds, the issues you have with men.
And I think that this is a really great time
for you to invest in yourself
because it's gonna pay off in large dividends.
And it's very inexpensive for you.
And you can get it done.
You can meet with somebody easily over Zoom if you have to.
Like it's an easy thing to get done.
I've had a trauma therapist for many, many years
and I do EMDR.
I don't do talk therapy.
And that's just how I govern that part of my life.
I govern my life in that way.
I've governed every area of my life.
I'm very intentional
and I wanna encourage you to be intentional.
Why?
Because you are a single woman.
You can do anything you wanna do with your time.
Anything you wanna do with your time.
And when you enter into marriage
there's gonna be a weight on you, a heat on you.
There's gonna be something has to happen now
because now you're partnered with somebody else.
But there are so many things you can clean up right now.
And you're not gonna be a very happy person
carrying that.
Right?
That's not gonna make for bliss for you.
You're right.
Yeah, literally in one of our last conversations
that was not very good.
I literally yelled at him,
what do you want from me?
And I was like in tears.
Like that, it was bad.
It was bad.
Yeah, that's tough.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't, and to the point where I've almost like,
I've almost considered like leaving my campus
but I almost feel like I don't think God wants me to do that
cause I feel like,
cause I don't handle conflict well
and I feel like maybe that's me running trying to leave.
No.
I think that those are some really tough.
I'm very leery about attaching something about God
to these situations.
But I believe I'm trying to run.
I don't believe God wants me to do that.
I don't believe God wants me to do this.
I think that you're putting yourself under order
that you know not to be true one way or the other
and it's not the point.
I think what has to be looked at is that
God wants you healthy
and whatever you can do to be healthy
while you have this conflict.
Conflict shows you what's happening.
If you don't have conflict, you don't never know.
You don't ever know it's there.
And so I think I can't find my right words
but when we start attaching that,
oh, I don't think God really wants this for me anyway.
If I'm running, God doesn't want me to run.
Well then if that's the case, what does God want you to do?
The Bible says for you to prosper
even as your soul prospers.
So your soul needs to prosper.
Your soul is your mind, your will and emotion.
All of those cracks and crevices
that the enemy has come in and set up shop
because there's a crack there for him to do it.
And the Lord wants you healthy and whole.
And so I don't have a thought about if you're running
or if you should leave.
All I know is that conflict
helps you discover you. Then that you have some of the best days in your life right now to
heal those things that weren't cared for well. You deserve it, Shirai. You deserve it.
That's the truth. So not only do you have things that are happening within you that deserve to be
healed, you're also a teacher and teaching is very, very challenging.
I didn't know like I know now. This year has showed me.
Right? So my encouragement would be to you is to get help as quickly as you can like
get on the internet and start typing looking for somebody. Seriously, you won't regret it.
I will. You are not the first person to say it. So I will.
Okay. It's so good to see you. Thank you. I'm glad to see you too.
I know. Oh, you're a teacher as well. What grade do you teach? Let's go, Pauline.
Hi, can you hear me? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. So no, I just wanted to come on because I think you mentioned on my post that
you wanted to speak to me about. Yeah. And I think it was about the guy that I had. I thought it was
going well. And then things ended. Then I talked about how I did the forgiveness prayer. And you
about, were you asking me about how I felt about offended or?
Yeah, let me, let me find it rather quickly here. It's true.
And I also have a second question, Ebony.
I've met another person after, and he is really way older than I am, like more than 20 years older.
And, and there are many things that seem to be a good match, which I know it's a bit of a, what,
how did that happen? And, and I know that, you know, some people don't really encourage
dating with someone who is like, really like the age gap is significant. I'm talking about 20 years
and above. But I'm just wondering, is it really not a good thing? Or there are situations where
that can be something God has for us too. I'm just truthfully curious.
So let's, this 20 year age gap is something that you will have to consider for yourself because you
guys are in different seasons of life. And so then you will have to consider what you want life to
look like for you. Consider what season he's headed into and where will you be in your season of life
when he's headed there, you'll have to evaluate those things. And then you have to evaluate that
person's character. And then you have to evaluate their personality. And then you have to evaluate
And so I don't, I am not, I don't like to involve what I think God wants when I can operate in
wisdom because the Lord operates in wisdom. He's given us wisdom. The whole book of Proverbs talks
about wisdom. And so you cannot operate in, I think God wants this, I think God wants this,
I think God wants this in your void of wisdom. The Bible says by wisdom, a man builds a house.
So wisdom is required when you're doing these things. So you do, you sit down and you write
out, there's a 20 year age gap. This is where I am. This is where he is. This is where he's headed.
This is where I'm headed. So like, so you have to weigh those things and then you make a decision
from there. Do I want to continue to get to know this person? And then you have to also understand
that in the first three months, everything's going to be butterflies and kiki and kaka and lala.
First of all, you're 20 years younger, right? So everything is going to be a big, a big
heyday. So it, you know, you need all of that to fall away. So what I was saying to you about
this pain that you say you experienced from this person, not talking to you,
that it was so much pain that you had to actually free. Well, not so much pain,
but you want to forgive them for offending you or causing you pain.
What, how did you feel? What caused you pain?
I think that, I mean I do recognize my part in that but I think the reason why I felt that I
needed to do the forgiveness prayer was because I think of the approach that he was adopting
in dating or getting to know someone because the way that he was going about it with me or
my impression of it was it was almost like we are like like almost like part of each other's life
there is updates there is talking there is kind of like sharing things checking in and then just
suddenly out of the blue he just goes silent like that you know and with no kind of like
oh you know I've noticed this and we are not suitable so you know I'm sorry I've got to
you know stop this I mean I thought that I would have thought that someone who is
mature and mindful would would actually care to drop just a sentence about that instead of just
going radio silent and just I thought rude and disrespectful and and I whilst I understand
different people have different approaches and comfort level but I it just doesn't sit
well with me and that's why I feel like I needed to let that go forgive him and
and and also forgive myself for investing so early so fast such that I felt so hurt
yeah that's that's the thing yeah so I hear your heart and that's why I kind of like to have
this dialogue because when we're just typing on the app you can't hear we can't hear each other's
heart most of the time and so I like what you said because you had to release yourself from
moving so fast so quickly and so what it was is like he was he's like doing all the things you
like y'all talking you're getting to know each other it's fun and exciting he just falls flops
out the face of the earth no saying anything to you that is harsh he ghosted you you didn't do
anything to deserve that but the so so that is due to be recognized here Pauline this is not
a reflection on who you are it's a reflection on who he is not you and so in a paced situation
you can say oh wow he ghosts people okay that doesn't work for me
right but when we front load the situation because it was only two to three days but a lot can happen
in two to three days if you're talking to somebody you're having fun you're laughing
y'all are texting and all these things everything feels so fun and it feels so good right um so
that's that's that drop out that hurt that you experienced but it was only two to three days
so the only thing you know about him is what he told you yeah but now you do know
an observable thing about him is that he ghosts people and you made a decision that people that
ghost people are not your type of people right no they're not your type of people but it served
you really well because you got to learn that you know what next time i'm going to take it a bit
slower next time i'm going to set the tone for how much we talk
because i realize i don't know this person so i really even if i have to talk one day and skip a
day that's what i'll do to guard my heart to make sure that i'm not moving too quickly and so even
when things happen in this dating that are disappointing to us we are dating for discovery
and there's so much to be learned that's good thank you and i think i do notice that i struggle
with pacing and i think part of it has probably got to do with early attachment
um issues um and i and and i think through this experience i realized two two two core beliefs
one is um i think i wrote that that i that i think i said that give me a second let me just
pull it up for myself strong men are scary strong men are scary but you know like like as in we are
i mean we are looking for marriage-minded mature and masculine men and so they need to be strong
right but i realized for me when i see a strong man mature and marriage-minded i'm attracted to
them i'm like yeah you are the type
You know and then but my belief is that strong men are scary and I'm unworthy
And then that may kind of makes me go into this whole anxious insecure
I don't know what I'm doing and a lot of that pleasing and a lot of like pace. How do I pace?
Maybe I can't pace. I don't know how to pace or I shouldn't pace
What if I lose something, you know that kind a lot of the anxious energy in that?
and so I think that's like the piece that I
need to
heal from
So that I can
date
strong men with confidence because I'm worthy, you know, and that pacing doesn't become so
So difficult or so anxiety provoking or that I don't feel like I'm trying to rush ahead and go my old ways, you know
Yeah, I don't know am I making sense
Yes, it is definitely a heart issue and
belief of worthiness because what you're saying is you get intimidated by masculine me and
Because it's what you mean by strong right masculine me and me that are
Masculine. Yeah, I don't know what your father was like
I don't know what your experience has been but it is very worth you tracking down and
replacing that line and
I don't want you to skip that Colleen because you're gonna attract who you are and where you are
So if you want a healthy whole man and this is for all of us we have to work to be healthy whole women and
Don't skip a single step
Because I am telling you when you get that healthy whole part of you together
You are not going to allow anything just to happen in your life
You're just not
You're gonna be more self-aware
You're gonna be able to see people for who they are and where they are and you'd be able to make decisions
Because you understand what it takes to grow
You won't have walls. You'll have boundaries in order
And you'll be able to see people
It's a beautiful thing to see people for who they are and where they are and you don't judge them
You understand because you've been there before too and you know that it takes work to grow
And so probably I don't want you to skip over there
I want you to go back and take your of course stuff out from on phase one and dig through
Why do masculine me and intimidate you?
Right because this cycle about you getting anxious get all that a break
All of that will fall off of you let let's just release that fear this is the part of the process
What what's happening now is coming up. So if you're falling for you, it won't stay with you
I used to be very anxiously attached and there's still a being in me to be that way
but I leave myself back in the other direction because I get to be in charge and
So I tell myself what we're gonna do not myself. Tell me what we're gonna do. I'm the captain of the ship
and
I understand that. I don't have to pour from a cup of anxious attachment
That I have another reservoir on the inside of me and though I may have been shaped in there as a child
I don't have to live out of it as this one that is healed in whole
And so when my little toxic patterns come up, I sense them. I see them people through the cloud
I'm telling you something about me. Ain't nothing like it like a good argument with the man. It just turned me on
You know, it's toxic
You look toxic something in there you don't get a seat at this table we don't do this foolishness
Right, and so you you begin to see the things and so Pauline that's where you are
Like you're seeing what's happening. Maybe you didn't used to see it before but now you see it happening
That tells you that you are healing
But we don't want yeah
Yeah, and so you want to keep chopping away at it and getting to the root of and so all those questions
I asked you I told you to go back and do some research and get to the bottom of it
You want to do that without diligence?
This is your time in your life to deal with these things and I want to encourage you to do it
Okay, I'll do that. Thank you. Okay, you're welcome
Rosanna
Hi
You posted I had a chance to read it was a holiday weekend, but I saw
You thank you, I thank you for responding to my thing about
Your I am so glad I was able to hear the replay about
The restoration with dating I really appreciate it
And Tiffany, thank you for being open about marriage.
I was listening to all I was working out, and it just, because it brought something
up in me that I'm trying to speak against that we were just declaring, and Tiffany,
just like you brought up stuff with marriage, I get nervous about my five children.
My kids are wonderful, and so, but I get nervous with, I don't broadcast it, and I usually
tell men, sometimes through text or through talking on the phone, if we get to that point
or whatever, because sometimes they'll start asking about children, and I always say it
kind of funny.
I always say, hold your breath.
I have five kids.
And usually, the response has actually been positive, to be quite honest, as I'm saying
this out loud.
And I'm like, okay, that's cool.
So I don't want that to be a blockade of something of like, why wouldn't that be some, you know,
there are men that want families.
And even Noah, when we were talking, I was like, what is it, something that you want?
And he's like, I want a family.
I want, you know, and it was beautiful, because there are maybe, you know, some men who desire
things like that.
So I think that's my hang up with certain things, and I don't want to be that way, because
when I was talking to my therapist the other day, I do EMDR as well, and so I wanted to,
Shirai, I wanted to encourage her with that as well.
It's been incredible breakthroughs for me.
And I just want to know, what am I afraid of?
I think, I don't know if it's, I'm going to get interest in a guy, because, you know,
you said it's fruitful and butterflies, you know, and then you have interest, and then
maybe I'll feel like, oh, you're going to reject me, because I have a lot of kids, or
we're not good enough.
And that's an old mentality I have been fighting, and that I have worked through with the heartwork
tremendously.
I've grown.
And I don't know, like, I'm so excited, like, like I told you, I'm back on the apps again.
I'm talking to a couple guys, and I'm excited about it, and I want to go on dates.
I want to go on multiple dates with multiple guys.
So I hope that works out.
So I don't, maybe I don't know what I'm trying to ask.
And I think some of it too, is that I'm wondering when your suggestion, if I should stay with
you guys on phase two, because I love it, but I feel like eventually I'm supposed to
go to phase three, I'm sensing it.
And I also sense that the Lord has been telling me, he's telling me he's coming, he's coming,
and I'm hearing it, but I'm hearing it a little bit more now.
And I'm excited.
And the last time he said it, he's like, be prepared.
I'm like, okay, I'm telling you, I'm purging things.
I have removed my closet space.
I have everything in the closet or my dressers.
I got rid of stuff.
I got rid of winter clothes.
I'm clearing stuff out, and I'm making room for, you know what I mean, to get ready.
I'm excited about being single, and I'm trying to learn how to be content, but there's times
I'm not content, Ebony.
I'm going to be really, and then Nadine had a beautiful photo with her son and smiling.
She's like, I'm happy in this season.
I'm like, I wish I could, but I'm straight up like, I felt single in my marriage for
a very long time.
I've been waiting to be loved for a hot minute.
I'm going to tell you that for real.
It's been a long time.
And not saying that my late husband didn't love me, but not the way I deserved, and I
think it bothered him that he didn't do it the way he should have either.
And so I don't know, how are you content?
And I think I said I'm impatient, and you said it's part of the process, so thank you
for acknowledging that.
But then I don't want to look back and be like, oh, now I wish I wasn't dating someone
or, you know, and I don't know.
And then I have my 25 high school reunion coming up, May 24th.
I can't wait.
My old high school crush is going to be there.
A guy who stopped talking to me, the breadcrumber, like Kevin, the one I met before Noah is going
to be there.
I'm going to look slamming hot.
You know, I can't.
I want to flirt with all these dudes, because some of them are single, or just be like,
she's still got it.
That's right.
She's still got it.
Well, I think what I want to say is that, you know, you can totally go to phase two
if you want.
I mean, phase three if you want.
I think that you will enjoy it.
You can always come over to phase two.
You can always post and ask questions.
You can always come on the live.
They have sessions that are really good.
I would encourage you to go if you're ready to go over there.
Don't wait.
You'll always have access here.
And I will tell you that you don't have to be impatient in God, but you can always ask
him, what are you doing in this season right now?
Because he's always doing something.
And whatever he's doing is of the utmost importance.
There's a scripture that said, let God be true in every man alive.
And so when you hear the truth of God about what he's working in and what he's doing,
then you know that that is the truth.
And whatever you're thinking is not true.
It's a lie.
And so I think that is a very, it is important to operate in the grace.
you have for where you are. Because when you become impatient, you will go into accusing God
and believing that he should do what you want when you don't have a clue of what awaits you
in the next year, five years, 10 years, 15 years. You don't know what's there, but he does.
And he knows what this time is going to do, what he needs to cultivate in you. You said that you
wanted to, God wants to restore some things in you, some things that were lost in your marriage.
There needs to be some upgrades that happens in your life, Rosanna. There needs to be upgrades
because you're going to have to choose a suitor. And you want to be able to choose a suitor that
is at the level that you've come up to and not the one you're just sitting at. Right. And so
think about it that way. If you want to dive into purpose, when you get a husband,
you already have to care for your children. They come first, then it's going to be a husband,
right? And God is first of all, but you're going to have to deal with the domestic things of your
life. And so the Lord is telling you to get ready. So in getting ready and you believe that it's
coming soon and things do happen soon with God, we think, oh, when you look back, oh, it was a
year when he spoke that and now it's happening. But when you're in that year, you're tracking day
for day, right? So it feels like it's so far away, but you have the time now to enjoy yourself,
show up in your high school reunion, looking fine, to flirt with anybody you want to flirt with,
to enjoy yourself. God wants to restore the years that the canker worm and the locust ate up.
Let him have his way in your life because things will change and he will give your children a
father and he will give them a father, a man that's after his own heart. So they will be
raised up in righteousness, in truth, and have integrity and value. He's going to do that. He
wants them to have a father. And so I think that this is a really good time for you to enjoy
yourself. And so Lord is sending someone to help you to lighten the load. You carry a lot, right?
And so, um, I believe that God is with you and I believe that this is a season of restoration
and so enjoy it because it will be short and I believe it's going to be shorter than you know.
And so, um, because of that, seek the Lord with everything in you,
tell him to come into your life and lead you and draw you closer to him so that you can see the
purpose in the plan he has for you spiritually, ministry wise, while you have the capacity for it.
Okay. Yeah. Cause there's not a guy taking my time. And even with Noah, like he's, he's unplugged
for a bit and that's actually been nice and in a pleasant way, like my time isn't occupied
talking to my friends. Right. Um, but it's been, I feel I'm like, Lord, what are you up to? Because
I think he's even, he's pouring it to me while that's, you know, and I, and I love that. So
thank you for, for saying that. And I guess I could just know I can go on dates and look fly
and flirt with dudes on my reunion too. And then be like, Oh, Hey, that was fun. Yeah. And I want,
I want a high caliber man. Cause I'm a fly dope woman. Like the way that he's allowed me to see
myself guys, I would not have said this about myself even before the program, to be quite
honest. Like I'm, I'm, I, I am glad that I'm speaking in truth and you know what I'm going
to put on Facebook. There's this thing that I love and I'm finally feeling like I could do it.
It says, would I date a woman like me? And then the quote on the bottom says, I would go to war
for a woman like me. And I was like, I can actually tell you that's exactly how I feel. Like any man
who gets me, like, how did I get you? How did no guy blah, blah, blah. And some of it might be that
they're not ready for the challenge of rising up to excellence because I have done the hard work
I've put in those tears and I'm, we're all doing that right now. And I'm so proud of that level.
And I certainly, I want a man, honestly, I want someone up higher so that I can be challenged
because I'll bulldoze over a dude. Like I don't have patience for it. I need somebody strong
because I'm very strong and I'm okay having a man stronger than me. I want a man stronger than me.
That's fine. But just so that he also recognizes that I equal in a different, perhaps challenge
him in a different way that he's like, man, I can't do what she does, but I, I offer something
else. But I, and I look at him and being like, I respect who he is because I am not able to do that.
And that we can grow together and challenge one another to grow closer to the Lord and be a
kingdom, kingdom family, right? I want a kingdom marriage, kingdom kids, like let's do this. So
thank you. It's just, I'm speaking with elevation now because this program, EMDR and this program,
I had the breakthrough happen right before I came to, to Jackie's program. So it's like he,
he worked in tandem with this. So thank you for sharing that and, and just being awesome. You,
you and, and all the coaches have been incredible. So thank you.
Thank you for reminding me of that and to pour into the Lord so that I can,
while I'm at capacity, to focus on Him with a man not being a distraction for me. I'll just
date a couple of them and go on dates. That'll be fun.
It will be fun. Have fun.
Thank you.
You won't be single ever again.
You're right.
We have to remember that.
You're right.
You won't be single ever again.
Okay.
All right.
You're welcome. And ladies, it is 8 40. We end at 8 30. I'm not about to cut you and Tiffany out,
but feel free. I put it in the chat. Feel free to be dismissed. I'm not holding you.
I don't want you to think you have to stay.
Okay. I know you ladies have been working all day or whatever.
Go for it, Gail.
Yeah. I hope you say what I want you to say.
Oh, okay.
So look, I have a local guy and a distant guy.
And, uh, I, um, two weeks ago or so told the distant guy that we were just friends and, um,
said to go, I would go exclusive with, um, the local guy who I've known for three months.
I mean, and I'm saying,
Huh?
You pick one.
I picked one, but I think I picked poorly. Um, that's my question.
I, is this that you pick the one that y'all be like the grandchildren softball games?
Yes. Yes. You know, I see him. I mean, I've been seeing him it's three months,
but I've been seeing him six. I mean, both retired. So I see him like six days out of seven.
That's how, and then he goes to my church. So, um, it's intense. He's kind of, um,
smoothed his way into my family and friends and church. Okay. And it's been okay. Except,
except I mentioned to, to, uh, last week in the afternoon group to, um, I forget her name now,
but anyways, I mentioned to her that I, uh, I still am keeping the distant guy is friend.
We still, you know, he was hurt, but he said, you know, I still want to be your friend. Um,
but the thing is, is, um, Easter, the local guy that I went exclusive with
is now trying to become more physical. His hands are starting to wander and I have corrected him.
I can see you laughing, but it's been a battle. I even went to my pastor and told him, you know,
what am I going to do? It's like, I feel like I've got, I'm, I'm, I go in for a kiss and it's
like, I'm with an octopus, you know? And I'm like, and so I keep covering myself and saying,
this is for my future husband. I literally, this is for my future husband. Stop your hands. And,
and it's like smooth, you know, coming in through the side, you know? And he knows,
I tell him over and over my strong beliefs and he knows it. He knows it, but I feel like now
it's a disrespect. And when I talked with my pastor about it, it was quite embarrassing,
but I, he said, Gail, he's a new Christian. You have to keep your standards up here.
Don't drop them to his standards, but keep maintaining them. But I don't, I guess I don't
I don't, I guess I don't feel like I should be constantly maintaining them. There should be
an area of respect, like, and not have to battle with him in, you know, not every day, but almost
every, you know? And so I'm going to really, this is ridiculous, but I had a dress on, on Easter.
We came to my house after going out to eat and he literally, and I'm going to show,
he literally quickly has like caught his finger on my top and pulled it out and looked down.
And I slapped, not him, not across the face, but I slapped his hand. I said, stop.
And honestly, now I'm really wondering if I made a good choice. I mean,
I feel like I'm disrespected totally. And then second of all, he has this female friend
that has been a family friend for 27, 37 years, actually. He does, she has a large estate and he's
the grounds and, and building maintenance man on it. And I'm finding out, I found out
yesterday, I believe that like, he'll say good morning and good at night to me. He'll check in
good morning, good night. Well, he does the same. And so he was showing me something on his phone
and I, something popped up like from her. And I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what it is.
He said, what are you doing?
He says, well, we, we talk every day and we, you know,
I said, so you say good morning and good night every day
and talk in between.
He said, yeah.
And I said, well, it kind of bothers me.
And so now I'm really feeling like I'm getting red flags,
even though it's been going so good for so long.
So that's my question, help.
Yeah.
So, you know, everything goes so good for so long
to about the three month mark,
sometimes four, fifth month mark.
And then people kind of show up as they are, right?
And then you made a choice.
You said that we're, we're exclusive,
but you're going to have to deal with this.
And so you, you can tell him,
you can tell him you want to come out
of exclusivity right now.
You have that choice.
You don't have to stay in a relationship with him, Gail.
Right?
No, I don't have to.
You don't have to.
You can say, hey,
I've asked you not to touch me several times.
You came into my home and you looked down my dress.
That made me, that was disrespectful
to look upon my body in that way without my permission.
And I'm making a decision to end this relationship.
I will not move forward with a man
who does not honor my body.
I am marriage minded
and there's no way we can continue on this way.
And obviously he's going to say, I won't do it again
or okay, all right, if this is what you want to do.
And then you're going to say, yes.
Now, if he says, okay, I'll keep my hands off of you.
You can decide if you want to move forward.
And he says that he won't do that again,
but you said you've expressed this to him several times.
People do what we allow them to do.
Yeah, actually I've been, I honestly,
I'm constantly like going like this.
But that's what I'm saying.
It's very uncomfortable.
But this shouldn't be the case.
The first time, I'll give first time.
The second time he did something to violate you that way,
automatically, he shouldn't be in your home.
He shouldn't be alone with you
where you couldn't fight him out for.
Like it don't even have,
we shouldn't even have to think like this.
This is an adult.
You told him don't put, he shouldn't put his hands on you.
And so you've been dealing with this too long.
And if you want to know my thoughts is
he needs to be cut out.
He's not a child
and he's going to do what you allow him to do.
That's all he's doing.
Knowing you're doing what you allow him to do
and you shouldn't be fighting out for an adult.
Okay.
Mac, God forbid you ever have a weak moment.
It's over for you, right?
There's no restraint.
Right now I'm feeling, right now my emotions.
I mean, I honestly, I told him I loved him
and I felt I loved him
but now the walls are starting to come up.
Well, again, you can love somebody and leave them.
You don't have to put up a wall.
You put up a boundary because if you put up walls
you're going to take that to the next man.
How about you submit to boundaries for your own life?
And the boundary you set for your life is
I don't have sex before marriage.
You don't get to touch my body.
We don't do these things.
If you agree to do kisses with him
now it's time to take that back.
He doesn't get the privilege to give you a kiss anymore.
You are not an octopus.
He doesn't get to suck all over your face.
He doesn't know how to store what you giving him well
so that he doesn't get access.
Okay.
Yep.
He didn't get access to your body that way.
And so it's not about if you made a mistake
it's about you went exclusive and now you see more.
Now you get to make a decision.
So that's what this stage is about.
You start talking about what you want from marriage
where are you headed?
You let him take you off the market
because you were marriage minded.
So that means you're not looking for somebody
to make out with.
You're actually progressing toward the altar
talking about hard things.
And now you see that he didn't understand boundaries.
That's just not in touching your body.
He ain't gonna honor your boundaries
in a whole lot of more areas.
Okay.
Because he's showing a dishonor for boundaries.
Yeah.
Yeah, cause it just started actually when
I have to almost pinpoint it.
When I went exclusive with him
and told the distant guy that, you know
we could just be friends.
It was not a romantic relationship.
I believe that's when he took
started taking liberties like that.
It wasn't all along.
It was just within the last couple of weeks.
Yeah, but that's not right.
And it's only gonna get worse.
You've already talked to your pastor about it.
Yeah.
your pastor was right you got to hold up high standards and yeah he'll he'll have to sit on
the sideline until he comes to himself okay and you can evaluate if there's something you want
to move forward in now the distant guy so if i so i'm like basically choosing either drop him off or
reduce to friend level until he is that what you're saying i can reduce him to a friend level
um or just to get rid of him completely that's up to you now i don't do keep it i don't i don't
keep lovers as friends okay well yeah i don't consider him a lover i guess a lovers i feel
as somebody that has had sex and all that but oh no you told him that you loved him so in your mind
you're gonna go get in a relationship with another man and keep the man around that you also said you
loved okay keep the man around this look down your dress keep the rain around that soaks your
face you think you're gonna keep him as a friend what does he have that you want from him as a
friend how can he help you grow how can he help you be better okay so when i say i'm gonna keep
somebody as a friend what does he carry that you value that you want in your life as your friend
so you can say i'm oh go ahead answer the question i'm sorry oh i'm just saying uh
comrade camaraderie without the physical um so you know somebody hang out well companionship
companionship uh okay since we're at church i don't know you know that's a whole thing he's
gotten friends with people at church yeah i know how do you navigate this i don't know
no no gail this is all part of the process you decide to date someone you went exclusive with
them he came in with a part of your church family this is a part of it it's just like
when you get to the end and you decide you know somebody is not going to be well to marry you all
of a sudden you keep them and you marry them because he ain't with your family now you gotta
say bye bye to the family bye bye that's just the way that thing works and i'm gonna tell you
the reason why i'm saying this to you you can keep him around for companionship but understand
that you're keeping him around to meet a need in your life to feel a place in your life that's
unhealthy okay that's unhealthy for you if you're gonna have to find companionship and camaraderie
in healthy community okay that's what you think i just need you to be clear on that now you can
tell him you dishonor my boundaries and we need to revisit exclusivity at a later time when you
can show me that you can honor my boundaries this means you cannot come to my house anymore
we will not be riding in cars together anymore like you gotta start pulling back stuff you gotta
strip some stuff back and you gotta make a hard push and you gotta stick so if he touches you
against it if you ever touch me again that's gonna be the end of this and you gotta be ready to follow
through on that but to say hey stay my friend and you think you made the bad decision you're gonna
go pick up the other man that you kept around as a friend like you want to keep friends around here
yeah
trying to keep you up for your fish on the line
i have a hard time letting go i really do you have a hard time letting go it's time to learn how to
let go because it seems like you're keeping someone in your life that doesn't value you or
honor you and if a man will open up your dress and look down your dress he will not value that
that's not what you desire for you i want you to reconsider what you want to keep around okay
good should i stay here or go to phase three as long as you come back and visit because i'm gonna
find out what's going on with you and these fish are sailing me from around your part
okay if i went into phase three can i come visit these or not yes you can always come
visit because amandee is in phase three i don't know she's still on the line but she's in phase
three okay okay yeah and you can always come back shelly are you in phase three also
i think she may be i don't know because i got the idea slide back over i am not in phase three no
i'm fully in phase two oh okay okay so do you have to slide back and forth or can you be in both
i mean can you participate you can participate i think you i don't know i better ask
yeah okay i don't i know you get access to the coaching yeah because we don't have events in
phase two all these
Vents happen in phase three and sometimes.
Yeah, you can come back and forth.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Okay.
Oh yeah, you can do both.
I'm in both.
Joanne said she's in both.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Okay, we're gonna take,
you're welcome, we're gonna take Tiffany
for our last six minutes.
Go for it, Tiffany.
Okay, this should hopefully be short and sweet.
I need the truth of,
so my old vow was the one about the addiction,
that I will not date someone that has had an addiction
because I don't want them to fall back
and it wrecked life, right?
So when you said we have to own our part,
it offended my mind,
but so my last husband had been clean and sober
for 13 years.
I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and several other things
and had been bedridden in constant pain for nine months.
No, nothing was helping.
And so he suggested that I try marijuana.
I've never, I'd never done it at that point.
I was absolutely desperate.
So thinking he's been clean and sober 13 years,
it's not, I didn't even think
about the possibility of any of that.
So that lasted like four or five days.
It gave me relief, but I hated the way I felt with it.
So I was like, I'll deal with the pain,
we'll figure this out.
So I shut that part down.
Well, little did I know that the door stayed open,
but I was so bedridden that there was so much time
where he was, you know, doing his own thing,
coming in and out of work,
that he started doing coke and stuff in the house.
And the Lord actually woke me up in the middle of the night
and actually like told me, get up,
go down the hallway and just stay.
And like, I actually watched the whole situation of him
having a dealer come to our home
and then him do all of that stuff in our kitchen
with me and my daughter in the home.
And so,
I take responsibility for that.
Like I opened that door.
But I don't know how to break that.
I don't know what the truth is to grab ahold of
because on the dating apps,
like I'll see this or that or whatever.
And I'm just like, nope, nope.
And I'm talking to a guy that I've talked to
for several days and I like what I'm, you know,
I like our interactions.
He's so respectful and honorable.
And I found myself, we had our first phone call last night
and I found myself praying that he, he told me,
he said, we were talking about, you know,
like being younger and he's like, yeah, you know,
I went and did the, all the crazy stuff.
And I found myself praying
that he wouldn't tell me what he had done
because I didn't want him to tell me
that he'd done any of that.
Yeah.
Well, I want to say something.
I'm glad you shared your heart.
And I think that I actually offended your heart
because not just your mind,
but the statement that I made needs to be cleaned up.
Right?
So when you say what part did you have to play,
you didn't, that wasn't your responsibility
that you tried, you get medical marijuana
for medical issues.
Okay.
And if there was a part to play,
maybe you would, this is your husband.
So you're going to go get counseling.
You're going to go get help.
You're going to do all of those things.
That's a real thing to help your spouse.
So this will be like, if you were enabling somebody
or if you didn't have accountability or things like that,
but Tiffany, no, I am sorry.
I offended your heart and I was wrong
because I wasn't talking about a situation like that,
but I could have put,
I should have put some clarity around it.
So thank you for sharing your heart.
And I want to tell you that I understand your heart
because my ex-husband was an addict.
My brother was an addict and my uncle was an addict.
And I don't have much capacity for people who.
had addictions before. And so I understand your heart. When I look at a man, he looks like,
if he says, God has brought me from a long way, I just feel right on past it.
All I keep thinking is he's been on drugs. I ain't got time for this,
but that's the real thing. And I'm not. Yes. And so I know what it feels like. My ex-husband's
dealer would come to the door and I would have to pay him off to bring some type of
peace to my home. And so I understand. I hear your heart. I know. And I'm sorry. I'm so glad
you shared. I'm so glad you didn't take that with you because there's no responsibility in you
smoking marijuana to help you. Even if you had chosen to smoke marijuana for recreational
purposes, that was your choice as an adult, right? How would you know that it would set him
back? Or you didn't consider that or think about that because it was 13 years ago, right? And you
weren't even with him when he got clean and sober. Is that right? Correct. Right. And so you didn't
live that life with him. You would have been way more aware had you lived that life with him
or whatever. So, yeah, I'm so sorry, but no, I don't think that you have any responsibility in
that. And you were married. And so in marriage, we stand with our spouses and we try to give them
help. And that's what marriage is. And that's what love is. And even when I think that I don't
if I had to take some responsibility for it, I don't know what it would be. I worked my I wanted
him to get help. I understand addictions. I've had a lot of addicts in my family. Like I said,
I have some history with it. And so I wanted him to get help. And I think he was addicted to
cocaine and addictions are very, very strong. I applaud anybody who comes out with their life.
Because it's not a cakewalk and it ain't just get the wheel power.
You know, so, yeah, but I understand you. Oh, it's kind of like the example I gave.
They all surely says that her former husband was a drug addict. Also, if you grew up with an
alcoholic father, the chances of you dating a man that drinks alcohol is going to be really hard.
And you don't have to override that. I just don't think a little girl who's lived with abuse her
whole life from a father or watch her father beat her mom because of alcohol. I just don't think
I just don't think this is a hard change of her. You being able to override it,
you know, and so it's OK to like.
I just say I just believe that there is a challenge and you get to choose if you don't
want to date somebody who's been an addict before. You get to say, oh, when they tell
you they've been an addict before, you can rejoice with them and be like you glad that
they were. But you know how to not allow that relationship to go any further. That's your
choice. Like you get everybody gets to set their own non-negotiables.
Jackie always says it's better to have non-negotiables that are from heaven.
Those are going to be your best non-negotiables. But everybody gets to set their own non-negotiables.
They're yours. They're yours. And you can run them by somebody and say, hey, is this something
I can work with? Is this something that's pliable, bendable? You know, I can't, you know,
work with a person. But you get to have your own non-negotiables. It's your right.
Nobody can take it from you. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. So I hear your heart in there.
And please forgive me for accusing you of having a role to play in that. I am sorry. Of course.
Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm so glad you said something. But Lord,
would be more mindful. God is so kind to us. That was very kind of you. Yeah. Thank you so much.
Okay. Well, ladies, it has been great. Kathleen all the way to waving me back.
It's been so good. You are so welcome, ladies. You ladies are absolutely amazing. And Ms. Bunny,
you know, ladies, as we go for tonight, Ms. Bunny, what am I supposed to ask? What
keeps happening when you log on to that, try to get in the Grand Rapids, Michigan group?
Well, I applied for membership. So it shows on their screen that I'm pending.
But I've never, I never heard from anybody. And it said, and I did text asking about my application to Bethany who is the administrator, and she never got back to me.
And it says there that there have not been any posts for the last month.
And so I'm wondering if it's a even active.
Jody says she's in the Grand Rapids group she just a Jody. I never went to anything I don't think they have at me anymore. Okay.
She only says family they have at me anymore.
What administration administrator. Oh, someone over the group, and that's why nobody's responded, because even Bethany wouldn't have access to it.
I think that Bethany.
I think Bethany moved to a different state.
Also, how can I get in the group.
There isn't another group that's even that it's two and a half hours away from me.
Yeah.
Three and a half hours.
I don't think there is a group anymore unfortunately I never went to anything because I did, I discovered it.
Okay, thank you Jody. Yeah.
Maybe somebody should take it.
Ebony, maybe somebody should take it off the list.
Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna shoot a message over to Bethany and see how they want to handle that and they may be actually looking for someone to actually feel the space before they take it out the list.
And so that's a real thing. Yeah, that's a, it will be better if someone fielded.
And, but maybe put a note up there like hey we're not active right now.
Right.
Yes, and it's the only one in the whole state.
Golly, Michigan a big state.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Jody was saying she hopes they keep it yeah I think it will be really nice to be kept more than.
Okay, I'm gonna work on it.
Yeah, you're welcome and thank you for being patient with us.
Absolutely.
Okay.
All right, ladies. Hey, I see you.
You don't never hear your camera but I'm happy to see you.
I hope that you're dating. You don't want you to send me an email and give me an update or something, I mean posting give me an update.
Alright ladies have a good night rest well.
Thank you Ebony.
You're welcome.