Great. Welcome, ladies. It is April 14th. All right. This is your Tuesday live check-in
phase two Love Story Accelerator. I'm Carla Johnson. I'm one of your coaches here at Love
Story. Your last year single. We don't have very many ladies on with us this afternoon.
Everybody must be, you know, go out and join the weather. It's a little dreary today in
Texas, but it's not as cold as it used to be. So weather is definitely getting better.
But we'll see who else jumps on. And I don't think I have anybody brand new that's on the
call or at the moment, but maybe in replay. We just definitely want to welcome you here.
Go ahead and go through a few housekeeping items. Again, just continue to stay engaged
and encouraging in the app. Post your questions there. It's always really good. I was just
speaking with the ladies that are on right now. My goal is to really be able to pull
a lot of our teaching content from the questions that y'all ask in the app. It's super beneficial.
I know when I was in the program, I joined in 2020. I was a single as well. And, you
know, it was just really, really helpful to know that, like I had other sisters that
were in this community, like going through the same process that I was. There were moments
that I was dating and then there was moments that I wasn't dating, but it was always still
really, really beneficial. And even in those moments that I wasn't dating, there were still
things that the Laura's highlighting for me that were revealing and healing areas that
were able to help me prepare for a season of marriage. So even if you're not dating
currently, I don't want you to think that you're not able to participate, that you can't
come to these lives, that you can't be in the app asking your questions. A lot of times,
you know, we're here to do life with you, actually. You know, it's not just about dating.
And so, you know, a lot of the times when I was in the program specifically, you know,
I would just be going through just, you know, what singleness brought, you know, as a single
mom and, you know, a Christian and, you know, in my late thirties and just all of the things
that kind of were involved in that. And it was just nice to be able to sit and process
with a group of women that just understood where I was at. And so, and we're also on
a similar journey. So even if you are not dating, I want to encourage you to still jump
in and then encourage each other in the app. The one thing that I am going to, you know,
just kind of button up here a little bit, because I am seeing a little bit of it happening
in our app is let's really, really work on not giving a lot of advice. And I know that's
really hard. I know that was really hard for me when I was in the community, because it's
just kind of like my gifting and my nature. And so what that means is, you know, it's
really easy for us to kind of read someone's situation. And especially if you have a pretty
heavy discerning gift, or you can kind of read through the lines or see certain things.
And if you're just prophetically gifted, you might sense some things in the spirit and
you'll want to share that. And so I am going to ask that you ladies, um, um, Eloise, I'm
not sure as your, um, can everybody else hear me? Okay. Everybody else can hear me. Eloise,
maybe try your, um, volume. I know my volume when I first got in. Um, okay. You'll even
come back. Sounds good. I'm going to take a sip here of my tea. So my goal is not to
lose my voice when I typically get this kind of sickness, I will end up losing my voice.
So my goal is to make it through this session. And then I have a whole, whole week. Um, anyway,
back to what I was saying about the housekeeping stuff. So yeah. Um, it's really easy for us
to like read someone's situation and want to be able to share insight or kind of give
our, our opinion about something. Um, and, but what happens is we can often read something
through our own lens. And so if we have a blind spot or we have a wound that the Lord
just hasn't revealed to us quite yet, we can sometimes share that with one of, um,
our ladies here in the community.
And so to kind of just allow you ladies
to kind of sit in that divine feminine,
which is that receiving posture,
you know, I really want you ladies
to just give yourself permission
to not have to give advice here.
That you can just encourage, you can relate,
you can, you know, definitely say,
yeah, I completely understand where you feel that way.
You feel that way, I've had similar experiences.
Now, if something does get highlighted to you,
I would encourage you to even post your own post,
I guess you would, like make your own post
about something that you recognize,
hey, you know, I recognize when reading someone's post today
this is something that came up to me, you know,
can a coach help me sort through this?
Or this is how I'm looking at this.
Does anybody have any insight
of maybe what God could be highlighting to me right now?
That is just one way for us to kind of remove ourselves
from that position.
And then again, it just opens us up to receiving.
So continue to work on that.
Again, if you're new, make sure that you are watching
one of those content videos a week.
You are allowed to move over to phase three
once you've completed those five videos
and been here at least a minimum of five weeks.
I definitely encourage ladies
to stay here a little bit longer.
You know, obviously, you know,
a year or two might be a little long,
but, you know, we don't want you rushing through
in a five-week period.
A lot of your healing is gonna come in that phase one,
which you are familiar with,
and in this phase two where you're starting to date
and you're starting to get yourself, you know,
getting to use those tools, those heartwork tools
as you date differently.
And so that will be something new and different as well.
So make sure you're watching those videos.
Make sure that you're participating, posting in the app,
and as well as coming to these lives, okay?
We know that not everybody can come,
so that's why we have them in replay.
We have two of them a day,
one o'clock Eastern and eight o'clock Eastern.
Cool?
All right.
All right, I'm gonna take a drink, refresh my voice here.
I see Dana does have a question.
I am, Dana, I'm gonna hold your question
because I am gonna cover Karen's question
that she had in the app.
Excuse me.
And then I have two examples today
from posts that were in the app.
So one was Karen's and another one was from somebody else.
And so I'm gonna teach from that today.
And so it really is just gonna be about
like those early dating stages
and what discernment versus like an emotional
and spiritual overinvestment might look like, okay?
And just being able to really zone in
and like pay attention to that
and recognize what's happening
and being able to kind of reflect and look inward
of what's happening within us
when we get ourselves in those situations,
especially those early levels of level one
where we haven't even met the person yet.
And even those early stages of level two
where you might've only had like a video date
or one in-person date.
And so that will be really, really helpful,
especially when we are at a stage in our life
where we're like, we know we wanna be married.
Like we know we're like,
I'm not trying to waste any time here.
I know what I want.
I know who I am, you know?
Like I've gone through this heartwork stuff
and I wanna show up as my best self.
And so what can happen is that we can sometimes
have the good intention, but we get overextended.
And so we want to be able to pace you ladies accordingly
and be able to use these opportunities
of getting to know people as a way to reflect
and allow the Holy Spirit to invite you
into whatever opportunity and invitation
he wants to allow you to explore, okay?
So, all right.
So definitely seeing some things come up
in the season for some of you ladies.
And so what I want,
what we're first, okay.
So Karen, I'm gonna go over yours first.
So what happened with Karen was,
and if you guys wanna go into,
and then she can kind of, you know,
fill in any of the gaps that I might miss here.
Um, she has been talking to a gentleman from an app, I think you do plenty of fish.
Yeah, plenty of fish. And so I think you started chatting with him like less than a week ago,
like last Wednesday. So we're in less than a week time period. Okay. And so it's very,
very short. Okay. She hasn't had a video date yet. Hasn't met in person, but they're doing
exchanges. Okay. She's given, um, a secondary number, which is what we advise you ladies to
have like a Google voice number. So you're not giving out your personal information.
Um, it's always wise to do that. Um, and you know, the guy's a little,
little, little triggered. He's, he's a little like, you know,
you know, standoffish a little bit. I don't, I don't, yeah. Like Karen, I, it's interesting.
It's definitely interesting. And for you ladies that have been here for a minute with Karen,
y'all know her heart. Like she is so intentional and so like considerate and compassionate for
other people and their feelings. And she is always, um, so like invested in showing up in
the best way possible. Like, like every time I think of Karen, I'm like, she really does
take to heart. Like, what does it look like to model Jesus? Like it is her heart. Like for those
ladies that have been here, you, you all of her Karen, you just, you see that in her heart.
And so one thing that I love is that that's exactly how she shows up when she's dating.
And so she's always putting her best foot forward. You know, you can definitely tell
she's done her heartwork. She's, she's gotten a lot of healing. Like God has taken her through
some seasons and has really refined her and grown her into such a close, intimate relationship with
him. And it shows, it shows in how she interacts with people. And so this gentleman, you know,
is a little bit like, you know, why are you giving me a second? You know,
why are you giving me the second number? And, and he was, he was calling you. Now you asked
for a video date and he didn't honor that, but he did send you like called you like three times
and you weren't available. And you had told him that like, this is the time I'm available. I can
do a video call. He didn't honor that. Instead he calls her three times and she just shouldn't
have her phone on or was on silent or, you know, she's busy. You know, not everybody has their
phone attached to them. Okay. And so, and I get it like some people like this gentleman
may not have experience with that and that's okay. Now he's calling her, but then he approaches her
with this, um, well, I saw you were active on the app, but you didn't answer your phone.
I mean, he's getting really intense emotionally. You definitely see him triggered.
And he's definitely like, he's intense and just, yeah, I definitely think we caring. Would you
agree? Okay. You did add more. Okay. So yeah. So the reason that this is important because
ladies, when you start recognizing, this is how people are showing up within the first
week or when you've only gotten to know someone for just a couple of weeks, like
you're in those level one, level two, like hardly getting to know someone,
especially if you've done your heartwork and you've you're showing up and your best,
healthiest self, it be really easy to overinvest really quickly.
You can, you can invest yourself quickly. You can misread someone else's intensity
as connection. Like they're getting intense and you're like, Oh, well this you want,
because you have a heart to want to connect with someone. Their intensity is intensity is going to
draw you into connecting with them. And then you're going to try to build something with someone
who hasn't even shown you consistency yet. Remember like we're at six days. There still
hasn't been enough time that's passed to show any level of consistency. And so
So he had some suspicions early on.
He had multiple calls, was pressuring a response from her.
He was monitoring her behavior, which
I think I shared that already.
Hey, you're active on the app, but you're not
available to take my call.
And then there was confusions around what the plans were.
I mean, she was really clear.
Y'all know Karen.
She's really clear.
She's a clear communicator, y'all.
You can't misunderstand her communication.
I mean, 90% of the time, you are very precise about, hey,
this is when I'm available.
Can you do this?
You allow those options.
You do that very, very well.
And so there was confusion around his follow-through
and what those plans were.
And so later on, again, she's invested,
and she's communicating.
She's being consistent.
She's showing up with consistency.
Then he's now using language like, oh, I've
just prayed for someone like you,
and oh, I think God's answered me.
Oh, ladies.
Ladies, OK?
We got to slow that down, OK?
I'm not saying that this man may not have,
like he may have a great relationship with the Lord.
But now we're building a spiritual intimacy
very quickly.
And again, for someone who wants connection
and who someone intentionally has a relationship
with the Lord, that's going to want to draw you in.
And so we got to slow that down.
And so this, ladies, that's not discernment.
This is not discernment at all.
It's premature emotional and spiritual attachment.
You're emotionally attaching, and you're spiritually
attaching at this point, OK?
Six days, haven't met in person, only
had some phone calls and some texting.
Excuse me, just a minute.
Sorry, ladies.
Forgive me.
So this is kind of what I challenged
Karen with a little bit.
I lovingly challenged her.
And Karen and I, I've been coaching her for some time.
We have that relationship.
And I'm going to do that with all of you ladies.
And Karen, again, she's just got this wonderful heart.
She takes my coaching very well.
And I know sometimes some people don't always want to.
I know when Jackie was coaching me,
y'all, I would get super offended and super triggered
very, very easily.
So I appreciate that Karen is always very open-minded
and very willing to just receive.
So thank you, Karen.
But I gently just was like, hey, let's
challenge this a little bit.
You're responsible.
You're responding in a beautiful way.
You're calm.
You're kind.
You're faith-filled.
These are all great, healthy, intentional behavior.
Communication, it's great.
However, underneath this, I'm seeing some overexplaining
happening, like trying to create some unity.
She's managing his emotions.
He's getting intense.
And she's trying to like, OK, she's really in tune.
I mean, my guess is she's very empathic.
She can feel.
She senses very easily when someone's not feeling great
or she can just, I mean, even if they don't, they might deny it.
She's like, she feels it, OK?
I feel things too, so I get it.
People can deny it, but you're like, no, I
know what it feels like.
And so she's so in tune with that.
So she's going to sit there and try to manage that and bring
a peace and a calming.
One, because for those of you that are feelers,
you're going to feel that intensity.
And it's going to be natural for you to want to take that on.
And it's only natural if you haven't worked the gift
very well to want to kind of calm it so it calms you.
When you're having to really discern,
that's someone else's intensity and not yours
and not pick it up.
And so we can fall in.
Y'all, I fall into that trap.
I can feel, I mean, even in my own home,
I can feel the intensity of other people.
people in my own home, and I just want to like, calm the
situation. And then it, it heightens my intensity level.
And then it's just, it's, it's not good for anybody. And so I'm
sitting here trying to calm and whatever, and it's not really
it. I'm managing someone else's emotions, and it's not my
responsibility. And so especially when you are getting
into a conversation, or you're getting to know someone in like,
you know, just a week or two weeks, or even like, three to
four weeks, you don't really know that person yet. So you're,
you're pulling in this responsibility of someone else's
emotions, naturally. And so I'm challenging Karen to kind of
recognize that, like, hey, let's, let's stop for a minute.
Let's, let's really decipher, is this discerning? Or is this
something else? And she's kind of wanting it to move this into
this relationship mode, because again, she's got this heart to
connect. Y'all, Jesus wants to connect with people. That's,
that's the heart of our Father, our Savior. He wants connection.
And so when we have that, it's natural to want to build that
relationship. And so if that's you, you have to be mindful of
how that shows up, especially in these early stages. And so you
want to catch that. And so I really want you all to
understand, like, you're not called to build trust with
someone who hasn't demonstrated that they're trustworthy yet.
And that's not to be putting up this wall, okay, because I,
again, we're not going to be putting up walls, it's a
balance here. There's going to be some risk, like you are going
to have to take down some walls, and allow someone to show you
that they're trustworthy. There's risks involved there.
But it's not your job to build that trust. They have to show
they have to show some consistency that they can be
trustworthy. It's reciprocal. Okay? So it's not your job to
repair any misunderstandings. It's not your job to spiritually
align the connection. And it's not your job to cover the whole
relationship in prayer together. You can go pray yourself
separately. This is why we tell you ladies like to do not get
involved in praying for each other when you don't know each
other very well. You can pray for yourself and what happens in
that interaction. privately. You start sharing that with someone
that you've only had some interactions with with in a week
or two. There's a spiritual intimacy that can be built
there with someone that hasn't shown you any consistency or any
fruit of whether or not they're a safe person. Okay? So your
role, ladies is to observe, discern, and watch for that
consistency, that clarity and the emotional stability over
time. This is where us ladies, okay, and this is a little bit
different, I think for us ladies than it is for men. Because
especially ladies that are in their like 30s or 40s, that
maybe want children, we have a biological clock. Or if you're
even older, you're like, I've waited this long, I'm ready to
go spend like the best part of my years with somebody, like you
want to get it going. So we get into this like, Oh my gosh, I
got to do this quickly, like the clock's ticking. And so we just
want to kind of rush into that. And so we think we got to move
into that so quickly. So we try to hurry it along, instead of
really allowing there to be time for that observation period,
for the fruit to actually be able to be seen. I mean, I just
am getting this vision of even like, you know, you think of I
used to live in Florida. And so I'm thinking of like orange
trees, like all the orange groves. Like, when you drive
past orange groves, like you don't see like, it's not like
one day you drive
by the next day, bam, there's these big,
beautiful oranges on the trees.
It takes time.
There's time that is involved
in that fruit growing abundantly.
So the same thing is gonna happen
when you ladies are getting to know someone new.
And so I know we're having this tendency
to like wanna pull and like quickly get to this like,
okay, I wanna get to know them.
I wanna see like, where's this gonna go?
I wanna connect with somebody, I want that.
But if we rush that process,
we're going to not see the flags.
And we're gonna be building something
that's not actually there.
It's a facade.
Okay?
And so I really want you ladies to be able to be,
allow there to be time to really watch and observe
and discern and see the fruit if a man is healthy.
And the way you do that, like, you know,
we want the men to be able to lead,
but we need to see how that looks.
Does it mean that we don't reciprocate?
Does it mean that we don't show interest?
But we need to also see how are they gonna be showing up?
Because ladies, healthy men
are not gonna lead with confusion.
They're not gonna have, add pressure.
They're not gonna be monitoring your behavior.
I'll tell you that much.
They're gonna be solid.
They're not gonna lead with a spiritual intensity
without having a foundation first.
And there's not gonna be,
a healthy mature man is gonna have consistency,
not inconsistency with his follow through.
So when we put up these boundaries
and these healthy boundaries of like,
hey, this is when I'm available to do a video call.
This is what's going on.
This is this.
And again, like,
Karen is really, really good at communicating.
She's intentional with that.
And so I want what's being reflected back to her.
I want her to attract someone
who's going to match her healthiness.
And so that's what we're here for,
to kind of, let's shed some light on that.
Healthy connection does not,
it starts with a steadiness.
It's not an urgency.
Okay.
So then I'm gonna give you another example, ladies.
Okay.
So another one of your sisters here in the community,
she had a situation,
not similar, but sort of,
like there was some intensity.
There was definitely some emotional,
like he was moving very quickly
into an emotional and spiritual intensity.
He made statements like,
Jesus has shown me that like,
you know, you're exactly what I prayed for.
Like something like along those lines,
like, oh, like, and that's early.
Like this comes early, oh, you know,
God just, God just, you know,
answered my prayer so like immediately,
oh, I can just tell you're, you know,
God brought you in my life.
Like early on ladies.
And it was interesting,
cause like sometimes,
and I was actually just listening to a sermon
not too long ago.
I feel like it was just the other day.
And it's like, and it was funny
cause this past week,
and it was funny cause this pastor
was talking to the singles in the,
and he was talking to single women.
It was like, you'll get men that will be like,
oh, you know, God just showed me that you're my wife.
And it's so early on.
And he was encouraging women to be like,
well, that's interesting because God didn't call me
and share that message with me.
Like God is going to speak to you and that person, okay?
So if they're coming off and saying that, ladies,
if God has not spoken to you
and you haven't gotten like confirmation,
I'm not talking about supernatural confirmation.
Not like, oh, God told me this name was going to be Michael.
And then all of a sudden Michael shows up.
Like, I'm not talking about that kind of confirmation,
but there is like the peace
that surpasses all understanding.
things that you can't literally control yourself,
that literally is just God.
And so, you know, you're hearing all this
like high emotional language from this guy.
And so, what did your sister here in the community do?
Okay, and she handled this really well.
I was really impressed.
And I was really thankful that she came.
And it doesn't mean that she didn't have things
that were happening maybe in her head,
but she was able to come into our community
and process and pull out her wins,
but still show up very grounded.
She didn't match his emotional intensity.
She didn't overexplain.
And she didn't over invest or try to manage it.
This gentleman, I'm gonna pull it up
because I wanna make sure that I get the details correct.
So, give me just a moment
because I want to make sure that I get this.
Let's see here.
Let's see.
Where did it go?
I had just had it too.
I know that they hadn't even met yet.
And they hadn't met.
I think he's been divorced twice.
She was not really sure what,
and of course the website crashes, of course.
Let me see if I have it in my notes here.
He got very emotionally intense.
And then she ended up staying grounded and was like,
hey, let's just like talk on the phone
and take this step by step.
She really like didn't respond.
And like, you could tell he kind of got triggered
a little bit.
And she just regulated the pacing.
Like he kind of got a little, you know,
and when she said that, like, hey, like,
let's just go and have a conversation.
He started pulling back.
And then he was like, oh, I didn't feel like, you know,
he felt like she wasn't showing enough interest.
She wasn't responding the emotional way that he was hoping.
He wasn't, she wasn't matching his emotional intensity.
She was staying grounded.
And it triggered some old wounds in him
around giving too much and not receiving enough back.
He even said that to her.
Like he ended up sorting that out.
Like, oh, this just reminds me of like,
when I just give, give, give,
and I don't get much in return.
Like that's a, that's an unhealed thing in him.
And that doesn't mean that we don't have compassion
for that person,
but we have to stay grounded that we don't pick that up.
We don't buy into all of that.
You can have compassion for someone,
but not pick up the rope
and just say, hey, let's go ahead
and just have a phone call.
Like, I think my, I've told you ladies this story
before my husband was visiting,
coming to meet me for the first time.
I was in Florida and he was in Texas
and we'd been chatting for like three weeks.
And so he was coming in person.
He was coming over a weekend and he was like,
oh, am I going to get to, you know, see you more than once?
Ladies, like, yeah, we had some great conversation.
I didn't probably follow all the guardrails.
Actually, I know I didn't follow all the guardrails.
I mean, my husband definitely deep dove, you know,
crossed some boundaries with like, you know,
giving me too much information,
but I was able to kind of like collectively like
take it in, but like, oh, okay, that's nice.
You know, I definitely was like holding it there,
you know, obviously processing with Jackie
and all the women in the community.
And so when he said that, I'm like, well,
how about we see how our first date goes first?
And when I said that to him,
he never said anything in response,
but now obviously we're married.
We talk about that situation.
He's like, yeah, when you said that.
I thought to myself, Oh, she's right.
What if she's crazy?
Like it was like a, for him, he was just like, Oh, like that's probably smart.
And so like, but that I was able to be like, I could have Matt, like he was
excited, I mean, you know, and I'm, of course he was excited, like, I like to
think I'm, you know, obviously he married me, like I was a good catch.
Right.
So, but I didn't have to like match that intensity right, right away.
And so I was just like, well, let's just see how it goes.
Okay.
Like, I didn't have to like buy into it right away.
I was able to pace it.
I was able to stay grounded in that.
And so, you know, she was just like, Hey, I'm just going to throw this out there.
Let's, you know, let's have a conversation.
And so she was able to recognize in her own grounding in her own spirit.
Like what he was showing up in was an unresolved emotional pattern.
And so ladies, what you'll recognize if you are grounded and you are healthy and
you come across men that might have some areas where they have some unresolved
emotional stuff, it doesn't mean it's a red flag.
It's a yellow flag.
Okay.
But we all have stuff.
It just means there you might recognize if you are a little bit more grounded,
that that may feel unsafe to a man that's not healed in a certain area.
And that's what that could show up as.
And so those are things that you want to be mindful of.
That's why coming in community, walking us through it.
We'll, we'll, we'll talk you through that process.
Again, we're looking for men that are mature, marriage minded and divinely
masculine, they're open-minded, they're willingness, they're teachable.
They have that relationship to have their hearts molded and shaped.
Okay.
They understand that they are a whole person in Christ, but ladies,
we get complete in marriage.
Okay.
Our oneness is when husband and wife come together because then we're
in that full image of God.
And so we ourselves need the masculine ourselves to kind of, you know,
soften up our edges, just like men need us women to soften up their edges.
So these edges that you find are just yellow flags, but we want to make
sure that we're discerning, are they yellow?
Are they red?
Are they yellow turning green?
Are they yellow turning red?
Okay.
So again, if you are a grounded woman, you might recognize that.
And if you're grounded, and then all of a sudden they bring this intensity,
it probably just means like, it's, they don't feel safe with you because
they're not used to someone who's grounded and it's not your job to go
manage their emotions, you get to see how they show up, are they going to move
in the direction of a green flag?
Or are they going to still continue to show like they've got stuff in
there, they're completely blind to it.
So instead of like, and so she's not doing anything, anything wrong because
he's unhealed and she is like, that's enough.
There's nothing wrong there, but because she isn't, she's not overgiving.
She's not getting overly emotional.
She's not rushing any intimacy.
She's not managing emotional uncertainty.
Instead, she's literally meeting her groundedness with maturity and
then he withdraws or destabilizes.
So he's either going to withdraw and like destabilize, and that's going to
kind of give her the understanding of where he's at, or it's going to be
enough to kind of be like, oh, I'm, I'm okay.
Like I've got some stuff.
I was triggered here.
And then he shows up and regulates, how do they show up?
She doesn't now need to manage any of that.
Okay.
Sometimes what we're not going to see is like.
even when we feel this calm externally, like on the outside,
we still might be overexplaining
to create understanding,
managing someone else's emotions and reactions,
moving into a conflict resolution too early,
and spiritualizing connection to create unity.
And so, you know, let's gently name that.
You're responding like you're a partner
in a relationship that hasn't been built yet.
Man.
And so, that's the early stages of dating.
So that's in those beginning, level one,
and the first date or two or three.
Okay?
So again, dating's reciprocal,
and it's reciprocal only applies
after consistency is established, not before.
If you recognize that you're the one
showing up consistently, and they aren't,
ladies, we've gotta recognize that.
We gotta see what's being revealed there.
Okay?
So what does this recalibrating look like?
Okay?
So I'm gonna put this kind of in Jackie's way
that she would probably explain it.
So instead of smoothing things over,
instead of creating emotional
or spiritual alignment too early,
okay, because that's what we kinda wanna do,
we're just gonna shift to observing,
we're gonna slow down,
and we're gonna let his behavior reveal who he is.
We don't have to force anything.
We don't have to control anything.
All right?
This is something that, you know,
for someone like myself who likes to have control,
because I tend to pick up people's responsibilities,
because I'm a feeler.
I can just feel the energy being off.
And so in order to kind of feel like I'm balanced,
I just gotta go manage everybody else.
Well, ladies, let me tell you,
getting a marriage and have family,
it doesn't work very well.
It just makes you just go all crazy, all right?
So definitely you don't wanna do that.
Because again, trust isn't something
that you build for someone.
It's something that someone demonstrates to you over time.
Okay?
And then when we're sitting there doing that
for other people, guess what we forget to do?
We forget to focus on us and our relationship with God.
And we can even sometimes forget how to trust God
with our own stuff,
because we're wrapped up in everything else.
Okay?
So I want this to lean clearly.
Intensity is not connection.
Spiritual language is not maturity.
Ladies, my son's biological father
had a lot of that spiritual language.
Not a very mature man.
The man left me seven months pregnant.
That is not a very mature, masculine, marriage-minded man.
All right?
But he wooed me with the,
oh, he's so in love with Jesus.
And, you know, oh, he's a family man and not, you know.
I wanted the connection.
I have to own my side of the street in it.
Okay?
I've healed.
I've let go.
I've done the forgiveness.
I've owned my part of the street.
I've recognized where I needed to grow.
Thank God for heart work.
Thank God for Jackie and this community.
And early consistency matters more than early chemistry.
So you ladies that are like, I just didn't feel the spark.
We're not always looking for the spark right away.
We're looking for consistency first.
Because ladies, let me tell you,
marriage, lifelong marriage, is about consistency.
Not always the spark.
There are going to be days when you're sick
and the spark ain't going to matter.
It's just not.
You just need the consistency.
You just need the follow through, the show up,
the just be consistent.
That's what you want to see first.
before the chemistry. Okay, it doesn't mean that the chemistry is not going to be
there, but are you focused more on the chemistry being there or the consistency?
So instead of you know going into this thought process of oh do they like me
and how do I keep this going and oh I want I want to continue like I want to
give them a chance I want you know I want to give them the understanding I
want to I want to do all these things like we're gonna remove those questions
and I want you ladies to start asking yourselves these questions. Is this
healthy? Do I feel grounded being myself?
Is there emotional consistency over time?
And ladies some of you will be able to feel grounded and have a peace and
you'll still be like well I I can give this I can give this I'm good but ladies
I really want you to be paying attention of what's being mirrored back to you
because if you have that heart to give that
it's a gift. Let let it be received by you as well. If you are willing to show
up in that way, God's got someone that's going to match that as well. What you
believe you become what you become you attract. So Karen like she's so
intentional and she has this connection she she's going to attract someone
that's going to be able to match that. We don't doubt that at all because one day
she's gonna cut like she's she's gonna meet someone that has that same
intentionality, compassion, consideration, love, care and and they're gonna
recognize that in her and they're gonna appreciate it and they're gonna give it
right back. What we don't want to happen is for it to get abused by someone that
just wants to use it.
Okay and so you're the second example that I gave you like one thing that
your sister in this community shared she ended her statement when she was
sharing with us she's like I just know I'm not seeking to be chosen because
I'm already chosen and she rested in that and I was just like I mean I'm just
reading it and she wasn't even all like on a call like I was reading it I'm like
oh my gosh I felt that I totally felt that. You know you don't have to chase
clarity, you don't have to manage confusion, you don't have to match
emotional intensity. She was able to stay rooted, stay peaceful and in
observation mode. Like she was able to respond from peace and not from this
desire to create connection.
To observe what actually is happening and not to emotionally invest too early.
I love that Kelly that's some confirmation right there. So what you
heard in a teaching this morning girl receive that. Receive that.
Okay so I hope this helps you ladies as you are stepping into those early dating
stages. Okay because I'm starting to see I mean you all are having these
experiences with like getting to know and especially if you're online you're
gonna get you're gonna you're gonna have to probably go through some of them and
ladies let me tell you you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna meet some
unhealthy men. You will. You totally will and because guess what we all still
have healing to do. So guess what the man that the man that you're gonna marry is
gonna have some unhealed areas. Because guess what we still have unhealed areas.
All right. Can I ask one quick question related to that? Go for it. The question
is like it started happening Saturday afternoon where these you know yellow
flags came up when I and I discovered it Saturday evening. It's like oh gosh he
called did it or whatever. So what can I do to slow it down? I'm you know I'm
I'm writing lots of notes because I want, this will help me in the future.
Well, so what was your first response on Saturday then?
Like, what was it?
I'm sorry.
Um, Saturday.
Oh, just explain.
I explained.
And I, I, I said a couple of things like, um, I had my phone turned off.
Okay.
You know, so I, I let him know, sorry.
I had my phone turned off.
Can we read like, yeah, yeah.
And so I, I, what was his response?
I don't have it yet.
Let me see.
I got it right here.
Um, um, I think it was the next morning or something like that.
Did it, did it, um, um, real quick here.
Um, so like, sorry, I didn't have that up here yet.
Um, oh yeah.
I said something, you know, okay.
I explained just some basics.
So he'd know, you know, um, and I'm getting ready to sleep.
So I look forward to connecting soon, whatever.
And so the next morning he responded with, I'm surprised.
I asked some questions on my previous texts, but you didn't answer any of it.
So I have to also give you a head up anytime I'm calling, you know, so it's
like, anyway, it wasn't very helpful.
And actually I asked him what question, cause I looked back and I didn't
see it and he never responded to that.
That's another yellow flag for me.
If I ask, if I say, what question didn't I answer?
And he never responds to that.
And you're clearly communicating.
Hey.
And again, your heart is, it was, it's, it was honest.
You didn't, your heart wasn't to miss a question, right?
Exactly.
And so you clarified it and he didn't respond and didn't reciprocate that.
Yeah.
That right there shows you a lot of what you need to know that right
there showing you no consistency.
Okay.
So I was saying that you can just, you get, again, you don't have
a relationship with this person, right?
Right there.
I mean, at this point they could be someone from a different country
and be like someone that's not even who they say they are.
I mean, we really, I mean, honestly, we really don't know.
So that's what I'm saying.
There's, I get the wanting to honor who you are, but you're already doing that.
Right.
You're already doing that and how you already show up and how you communicate.
If they don't receive that, that's on them.
You don't have to overcompensate because they themselves might not have shown any
consistency that they're willing to be trustworthy.
Right.
So recognizing it as the first thing I'm saying,
okay.
And you don't, and at that point you don't have to, at this point, let him lead.
There was a miscommunication.
I'm so sorry about that miscommunication.
Um, I just didn't have my phone on me.
Um, maybe we can chat another time.
Then let the balls in his court.
If he wants to initiate something, let him initiate it.
If he tries to initiate something and he's throwing in some like passive
aggressive, like, oh, well you didn't, you didn't respond to my, my, my questions.
And oh, do I now need to, to confirm that I need to call?
Hey, I'm sorry.
You feel that way?
Um, I just think that maybe this is not going in that direction.
I wish you the best.
Like at that point, that's a, it's a block.
Yeah.
The one thing I did at that point, and actually, I mean, the one thing I did
is say, then can we connect today, which was Sunday, you know, for a video call.
Um, but like I wrote in my post, I'm T I've been aware for years of, of, uh,
what, what is it's called the over-functioning or trying to have a
healthy relationship with a man who isn't healthy enough.
I've known that's my issue.
It's just changing is the challenge.
Oh girl.
Yeah.
I get you.
And I was so glad I was getting your input and coming here and just, you know,
absolutely.
Well, and I love it because like you, you, you see it and like, you're aware
of it and, and you coming into this community and sharing it is helping so
many other people and it's helping me in all honesty, like you sharing it.
It reminds me of like, Oh, like I struggle with that too.
Yeah.
And there's still areas in my life that, I mean, and I'm not single anymore, but
I'm like, Oh, I really can still find myself operating it like that's how we
all really, it, it, it really just allows us to support each other.
and pour into one another.
And so I love when you ladies can come
and just, you know, be open, be willing.
And I love the fact that, you know,
she was even like, oh, like I didn't have my phone on.
I would still love to connect.
How about we do a video call on Sunday?
She, at that point, she could have stopped there
and was fine.
I would have been cool with that.
Then guess what?
He didn't follow through.
He didn't video call her.
Like-
He agreed to do it and then didn't show up.
So that right there shows more inconsistency.
Right.
And Karen, like, that's what I want you to focus on.
Are like, what makes you want to stay engaged
in interacting with someone
who's not going to show you the same consideration
that your heart is for others?
Yeah.
If you are willing to show that consideration for others,
why would you not want others to,
why are you not receiving that for yourself?
Why are you accepting less?
Absolutely.
It's another onion layer of healing.
Exactly.
So it's okay.
And that's what we all have it.
We all have it.
So thank you very much.
That's all I need.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing.
All right.
I got Dana.
I got Laura.
I got Patty.
They've all got questions.
We've got 30 minutes.
I see my girl, Jenna on.
Jenna, are you able to unmute as well?
I don't know how long I have you for.
I know.
Jenna, are you the one that we were talking about?
You're a single mama?
Yes, I am.
All right.
Do I have you on for long?
No, yeah, I'm here.
Okay.
I'm going to hit up with Dana, Laura, and Patty,
and then we'll follow up with you, okay?
Sound good?
Thank you.
Awesome.
All right, Dana, what you got for me?
I'm going to be really quick
because I don't really like long anything.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm long-winded.
That's okay.
That's who you are.
It's just not where I'm at.
I've noticed that this isn't actually a question,
although I do have one at the end.
And I'm not sure if it's from doing heart work.
Well, I think it is from doing heart work.
I've noticed that I am seeing a pattern
in one of my oldest friends.
I'm not saying dearest,
but one of my oldest friends that is problematic.
And I don't know why I never saw it before,
but I think I'm just healed more.
And now I'm seeing, and I'm thinking,
how did I not see this before?
Because she frustrates me no end.
No end, you know, there's, you know,
all I do is get the drama from her whole family
and her neighbors and every, like,
and so I thought, well, what the,
anyway, I'm quite pleased.
Like, I'm very, very pleased.
So now it's managing, you know,
how do I know manages?
Because she won't talk, she won't,
she, you know, she won't engage unless it's on her term.
So I have to wait for her to finish sulking,
which could be months.
It could be.
And then we'll have a conversation
and then I may need to shift
where she is in my friendship circle.
But I just, I found it quite interesting
that this would overlap into other areas of my life.
And I quite like that.
Yeah, I feel.
Yeah, no, and that's why I love that.
And that's why I encourage you ladies,
like for anybody that's on that,
you're like, oh, I'm not dating.
So I can't come to these calls.
Yes, you can.
Because what, like, it's not just relationship
in like dating, it's relationship in life with people.
We're created for relationship.
Whether it's with family, with friends,
with coworkers, with, you know,
people we go to church with.
Like all of this heartwork stuff,
it really does benefit all your relationships.
And how you interact, even in your friendships,
will pour into how you'll interact in a marriage.
Because ladies, you're gonna marry your best friend.
Like friendship and like coexisting and working with,
like all of that is part of marriage.
So coming here to be able to process through those things
is all really, really good and all really healthy.
And I love, like, fun fact,
I was in heartwork for over a year before I started dating.
And Dana, I had a lot of.
you're experiencing. Like these aha moments of like, oh my word, like, how did I not see this
with this person before? And it's because we had blind spots before and we had areas that weren't
healed. And so it's just going to get you to take even deeper layers of healing. And it's going to,
I, I really even just sense this, this, you're going to have this understanding and compassion
and you're not going to pick, like, I already even just feel you're like, my friend is not
going to talk and it might take her months and you're already not picking that up that you're
like, it's okay. You're not going to not love her, but you're also not going to pick it up.
You're going to allow her the time and space and the grace
for her to work through that on her own. And you're there when she's ready and that's good.
And that's healthy. And that's just going to allow you that once you step into, you know,
and I know you've been dating and you, I think last time we talked, you had that one gentleman
that was his, he was still married or something like they don't do something. And it was just
like, but you're like, but I actually was open-minded. Like you, you didn't respond the
way that you did in the past. And that was huge growth. And so I love that. I think, yeah, I mean,
you're, you're, you're doing the right thing. You're, you're seeing, okay,
I might have to adjust where she falls in my, in my priority right now.
Doesn't mean that you don't love her. You don't care deeply for her,
but you also know that buying into the cycle, the drama, the frustration isn't helping her.
And it most certainly isn't helping you either.
So you get to just pray for her and just have peace with that
and spend time with the Lord. Be like, all right, Lord, what do you want to show me with this
and see what he shows you in his timing? Yeah. Yeah, I do too. And my question was,
you, someone, the, when you were speaking with Karen, you mentioned something about a Google
voice number, which I wrote down. I've never heard of that. I somehow I missed that and I
hate giving out my number because I have a very unusual name and it would be so easy to find me.
Are you in, and you're in Canada, aren't you? I am. I don't know. Is that different? I want,
I don't, I cannot remember. I know. Cause I know there was women I coached in England and France,
and I don't think that they have Google numbers, Google voice numbers. Just type in Google voice
number and see if it's available in Canada. It may not be. Okay. But I would imagine there's
probably something similar. If you don't do a Google voice number, what platform are you using
for, are you doing online dating? Yes. Facebook. Okay. Facebook, you can use messenger and don't
friend request them. I don't think is I haven't seen that in there. I've looked. So you can,
you can, I did that when there's, again, it's been a few years, but I can't imagine them changing
this. You can message people on Facebook messenger and not be their friend. Oh, your profile is like,
ladies, you want to make sure that your profile is locked to private. Okay. Make sure you have
that locked down to private so that people can't just search you and see all your things,
but they can still message you. You would just have to like go and look.
They're just not going to see all of the things that you post.
They could also, um, we could also do video calls that way. And you can video call that way. I did
that one because I did Facebook dating, honestly, like that was my preferred dating platform
for several reasons. Um, and that's what I was able to do now. I would get men that would
friend request me, but I wouldn't usually, I would never accept their friend request.
Right. Um, because I mean, I was a single mom and I
had post pictures of my son and everything because I family that.
You know was long-distance and yeah, and I was just like I don't need random people seeing where I'm at what I'm doing
Yeah, so I had that pretty locked well on lockdown. So
But yeah, you can do video that way and then you can have a zoom account
It's it's you can do a free zoom call like 40 minutes. I
Talk a lot and so for me to kind of limit how much interaction how much talking I was doing with someone
that I
Didn't really know very well. And so I wouldn't deep dive. I
Do zoom calls because it cut me off at 40 minutes
And I know what's up is I do what's up with all my my friends in Europe and in Australia
They all have my number and
So I'm thinking that means I still have to give out my number to use. What's up?
Yeah, I was gonna say I think what's up, yeah, you have to your phone number is linked to that it's like
Yes, and I know I know personally like here in the States
What's up gets hacked frequently
And there's a lot of there's a lot of scammers that go on what's up in the States?
I don't know but I but I understand how people are using that
Internationally, so I get that
I'm not saying that everybody's that's trying to use what app is gonna scam you like I'm not saying that at all
But those are just things to be mindful of that's why you don't always want to have something attached with your phone number
Like yeah, my son's school
We have like parent groups on what's app at the beginning of the year
we had like
hundreds of numbers going into our
kids
Grades groups where we share information about our children
And it was like brand new beginning of the year. So we just thought these are all brand new parents
Because we were a brand new school and it was like, oh no, we got hacked and it was phone numbers
and so like that's just I mean
So you just have to be very careful with that, but that's what I would check out Facebook and then zoom
And then if you just type in like a Google search and just be like
Google voice number or something that's similar to using Canada. I'm sure there is something
Like my husband he he uses like a Google voice number for his work
so he's like an insurance like he sells insurance and
So and it calls go directly to his cell phone, but now his clients don't have his direct
Phone number they have a separate number
Which is helpful. Yeah
So, yeah
Canada thank you, and you're sounding better actually. Oh, thank you. I
Know I'm trying. I'm just I'm thankful. My voice isn't gone yet. I'm really hoping my voice doesn't I don't lose it
So just be praying for me praying for me ladies. All right, Patty. How are you? What's your question?
I'm good. Thanks Carla. Great seeing you as always. Yes a couple of years
Oh, here's man a couple of weeks ago
You said something about
How one of the main purposes of dating for discovery was to work out the heart work
Right. Yeah, and you know, I
Guess I kind of experienced that and I'm just not dating. Let me be clear. I'm not dating anybody
Me getting back and interacting with people in person
world of zoom
For almost everything. It's been lovely
But I realized what you were saying that until unless I get out there and talk to people
I'll be perfectly healed in here
Of course. Yeah
But there's always another layer and that's like that's good like
That's why we need
What I wanted to get your feedback on I guess
So
I have okay
I live in an area where there are very few people of color and I have my journeys at different churches
interacted with
several different Christian gentlemen who are not people of color and I
Have to take the responsibility for misinterpreting
Their different gestures of friendship as romantic interest and so then
I would get what I would call like they would then when they realized that I thought they liked me,
then they were like, you know, kind of pretending not to see me and all kinds of other things like
that. So now I have this like, feat of talking to anybody who is not a person of color and getting
burned again. And so when I went to the new church where I think I am going to stay for a while,
I was standing in the lobby waiting for the doors to open and there was, and I mean again,
I'm not saying that this, I don't have any ideas of this person's intentions. I'm just talking about
my own reaction. Person was turned around, stopped talking to his friend, turned around and I could
kind of feel that he was looking at me and I was just like, no, we're not trying to do this five
times. And so I just looked straight ahead. I just kept looking like, like I didn't see him.
And then I went into church event, you know, when they'd open the door like,
so my thing is just, I don't have any delusions that that was any kind of interest. However,
it's church and church is supposed to be a crude community of Christians where people are at least
spiritual and friendly. So maybe next time I could just at least turn my head and smile or,
you know, and, and just be at least full instead of being all, but I'm just so,
I feel like a fool for doing it for, for, for falling for it, for, for, for being a
misinterpreting for time. And so my guard is like way up with that. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does. So, I mean, I think this is kind of what I'm, I'm curious is happening. So,
so you're in an area where there's not a lot of people of color. So it's, it sounds like
when you're there, the people that are not of color don't know how to respond.
And so is that, do you feel like that's actually,
a lot of people of color? They do. Okay. What I'm wondering is like, does that happen?
Like, because they don't know how to respond. They don't know how to like,
like just accept people for who they are. And so if you've been in a situation where if this
has been kind of the environment you've been in, what are some of the things like that have
happened and belief systems that have now been rooted that are some of the like, what are,
what are some of the core beliefs that you believe about yourself or others that shows up? Like,
where is that? What's that? Well, the main one is that if someone is, if a guy in church
is chatting with me and he's not a person of color, he just sees me as a buddy. Okay.
So do you believe that? Okay. So someone not of color. Which is fine. I mean, everybody has the
right to their own beliefs, you know, I'm not trying to force anybody, but I'm just saying,
I can't afford to be like, Oh, maybe he likes me because that's not. But do you see how you're now,
you have this view of like rejection. I, if this person's not of color, they,
they must only like me as a buddy. So I'm being rejected. I'm not of any value.
Is that something that you tend to have a pattern of show up in?
Well, I don't think that it means that I don't have value. I just think that I have to learn
that even though that's the environment that I grew up in, that's not my community, so to speak,
that's not my dating community. Let's put it that way.
What kind of, what do you mean by environment you grew up in?
Because I mean, everybody else here on the street is white.
Okay. And that's since I was five.
Okay. So what has been like, I mean, that's, but what's your experience been when you were a kid?
Like, can you go back to some of your earliest memories? Oh yeah. I mean, it's bad. That's why
I try to leave that in the past. You know, I'm not even bringing that part up, but.
Okay. Well then let's talk about that.
I can't delude myself. That's why.
I travel 45 minutes to go to a church where there are more people of color,
so at least I have a chance. Okay. Might not happen. We don't know what God's will is,
but at least I'm putting myself in an environment where there's a possibility.
I love that you're getting open, but I do want to kind of come back to this
comment that you made of not wanting to kind of go back in the past.
Well, I mean, I just, I know that it just, I know what happened and I know,
and I've done a lot, I've been in a lot of counseling throughout my years, you know,
so I don't know, like Dr. Kelly, who was a child psychologist, she told me
that I shouldn't play the old tapes. Not to play the old tapes.
That's how long ago it was. They were tape recorders.
And so, and I, and what she was basically was saying is not to keep rehearsing the hurtful
things that were said or done to me because it's not helping me, you know? So therefore,
I'm just talking about the interactions with guys in the last even 10 years, you know,
that's more recent past. So, yeah, we don't want to go and replay the old things, but what we can
do is go and recognize what do those past interactions, what do they tell us? What do we
now believe? This is where that heartwork piece comes in. And so, and like you, like I had been
in therapy for like seven or eight years before I came to Jackie's community. I mean, I did a lot
of therapy and I mean, I'm still, I still do there. I mean, I'm like, to me, I think therapy is super
beneficial, but there's just something super natural. And like with what we do with heartwork,
that is even deeper. And it is that piece of being able to, we don't want to replay the tape,
the old tapes and the old patterns. And we don't want to stay stuck in that same feeling,
that same emotion. We can recognize I felt that way, but you don't want to stay in that emotion,
right? But we do need to recognize because of that emotion, what now do I believe?
And that belief right there
shows up in our behavior and then how we respond. And that's what we need to get into alignment with,
with what God's truth is. And that's that heartwork piece. And I know,
and I know,
I, I understand
when there are some things in our past that have just really, really hurt us.
And we, and we've, we've done the therapy and we've, you know, talked and talked and talked
it out. And you're like, but this is still what I'm dealing with. You, you get to the point where
you're like, I just don't even want to look at it anymore, but let's approach it in a different way.
What if we don't look at the, what happened in the pattern, but we recognize
what does, what, like, what is it that is showing up? How would that,
how does my behavior follow my identity and my belief system?
How does my behavior follow my identity and my belief system?
I mean, it's hard to say. I have,
I, I have worked hard at not letting the bullying experiences that I experienced as a child
affect how I interact and how I show up in adult relationships.
However, that does not change the fact that I, you know, I went to
like one of the big churches when I was in my 20s and 30s.
And, you know, there were so many single guys there
and I never got asked out by anybody
except for someone of a different religion
who was exploring Christianity.
And I was Sunday school teacher,
welcomer all over the church.
And, you know, I brought friends to church
and they got asked out.
Yeah.
And I was sitting there like, wait, what happened to me?
You know, so the fact that I still felt
continue to fall for guys, white guys, to me
is amazing because it's like you should have woken up
from that a long time ago.
But then again, there were no black guys.
There were no Latino guys.
I can't like people who aren't existing in front of me.
So, you know, but I think it does mean that, you know,
not the childhood experiences, but the kind of rebuffs
from the men when in the past several years
are the reason why I'm like, I don't need to talk to you.
It's OK.
Hello.
Goodbye.
So when you think back on that, and you're like the bullying
and then not wanting to show up in the adult,
like you can't change those things in the past.
So you want to show up as your best self
and not allow what happened in the past to affect
in how you show up in the future.
But I have to ask, have you ever been
allowed to just actually express exactly how it made you feel?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I've told various counselors, Ebony included,
but like, you know, psychologists and stuff.
So, oh, yeah, I've definitely expressed it.
Your feelings are valid.
Those hurts are real hurts.
Mm-hmm.
Um, no, and with being in therapy, I mean, I'm asked,
I imagine, have you walked through that process
of, you know, spiritually like walking it out with like, OK,
God, where were you in all this?
What, what, you know, what was it like to be in therapy?
What were you saying?
What did you want to show me?
Mm-hmm.
What has he shown you in that?
Like, what are the beliefs?
What are his truths?
Like, I want to, I want to know what truths you are rooted in.
Yeah.
And I appreciate that.
I'm definitely going to, I just want to kind of prep you.
Yeah.
Brendan's going to be coming over.
OK.
I'm not.
We can always process this more even next week, too,
because I think.
She can hear it.
I don't care, you know, because I want to, you know,
if you're willing to talk with me now, but I'm just saying,
I'll probably have to get up and but I'll take the thing.
So what have I felt that God was telling me?
Well, first thing is, you know, despite what they said,
I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I know that I'm God's child, dearly loved.
That's what Ephesians says, right?
And there were many other, you know,
verses about how much God loves us.
The numbers of hairs on our head.
So why did all of that happen?
And certainly, I was not born again until I was 16,
but I was still believed in God.
And I definitely prayed that they would stop.
That's all I wanted, just for them to stop.
But I guess what I believe, my interpretation of it
is that God provided a way out eventually
when I got to high school, I went to my parents
and I said, I can't take any more of it.
And so we all found, they found a school in another town
and I got to go there and it was just so lovely
because there was nobody harassing me.
They didn't have that history of targeting me.
And so I feel like that was one of,
that was God providing that, right?
Because they were prepared to send me to a school
where they had to pay and the guidance counselor
was like, no, you can do the regional school system.
You know, so that was an awesome, awesome thing,
you know, and I'm thankful for that.
It definitely has made me focus my life on kindness
because I know what it feels like
to be the recipient of repeated cruelty.
You know, it's why I'm writing books for children right now, and my book is, I have a book about
bullying, and people are always telling me I have to, you know, make it nicer, and all
kinds of things like that.
But the bottom line is, it has definitely, it's shaped who I am, for sure, and hopefully
I've taken it and flipped it, is what I'm hoping.
But you know, having said all that, it's, I don't know exactly what to say, but I do
feel that they're not taking me seriously, they're not, you know, because it's too many
times.
People that wouldn't go to this church, like people are not.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, they just, you know, it's like, oh, I didn't mean that, I tease lots of people,
you know, and all that kind of stuff.
So, you know, because it's happened four times, I have to be like, hello, there's a pattern
here.
And they're not saying they're evil people, they're just seeing you as like a little sister
in Christ.
And so that's what I know, like when they, some people come up to me, if people come
and talk to me, it's hard for me not to be like, not to remember all of those, not the
childhood stuff, but the men who, oh, patty, hugs, and all kinds of things, you know.
Again, that's exactly kind of what, you know, and Jackie even teaches this, it's kind of
like when we start believing people are only going to see me as a sister, they're not going
to find me attractive, guess what, you're going to find, you're going to find confirmation
in that.
Yeah.
And so if that's what you're focused on, that's where you're finding your confirmation.
That's where your eyes have been fixed at.
In the beginning, you started talking like, I know I'm fearfully, wonderfully made, and
you know the scripture.
And I love that you've done the work and you can go and look at some of those challenging,
those trials and tribulations that you've had to walk through and how God has turned
all those things for good.
Like even what the enemy means for evil, God uses it for good.
And so God is using all these, you know, horrible, hurtful things that have happened
to you to bring his light into the world.
And that is so beautiful.
You've done that process, but I really feel led to ask you to like pray and meditate on,
you know, we have those scriptures, we have God's truth, we have his word, and we know
his word is truthful.
He's not a liar.
But where have you seen it actually show up in your life?
Solid evidence where you're like, God, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
And I know this is true because of this.
I'm fearfully and wonderfully made because when I was six years old, you did this.
You showed me this.
I'm fearfully and wonderfully made because even when these four men, you know, did this,
you showed me this.
I want solid evidence, not just the word, but him actually showing you that fruit of
just how beautiful and fearfully, wonderfully made you are.
And yes, we can.
We can turn all of those things that have been hurtful and that the enemy has wanted
to destroy and kill.
And we can say, you know what?
But God's going to turn it around.
And that is wonderful.
But if we still have this belief and this, I've got evidence because, you know what?
These four guys only saw me as a sister.
They didn't see me as interested.
Guess what you're going to attach yourself to?
Yeah.
That's a hard, I don't really have an answer, unfortunately, and you're not supposed to
have an answer right now.
You know why?
Because this is where you get to spend some intimate time with the father.
And he gets to show you and walk through this season with you.
And he gets to highlight to you.
beautiful moments to show you that you are cherished. There is a man out there
that's gonna see you and choose you because you are chosen because God
chose you and it's not gonna matter what background, culture, anything. That man is
gonna see you and he's not gonna see the outside, he's gonna see what's inside
your heart. He's gonna know you because God knows you and I pray that God just
starts revealing to you people, even strangers on the street that will
recognize and call that out of you. Lord, show me. Show me that people see me the
way that you see me, Lord. That the enemy is a liar. Prove to me that the enemy is
a liar. I know that you're true. I know your word is true.
Give me evidence, Father, because you love me so much and I know you will. And Lord,
I am patient and I know you are going to bring me what I need to see when I need
to see it and it's going to be beautiful and it's going to be impactful.
Amen. I mean, thinking back, there was a gentleman in Toastmasters, this
public speaking group, that did say that my smile was beautiful.
Hello! I'm still finishing up with Zoom. Good to see you.
Yeah, so that's like maybe one example. Yeah, sit with that this
week and, you know, marinate on that. You know, you take as much time that you need
and that the Father wants to spend with you. Okay. All right. Thank you, Carla.
You are so welcome. I love you, girl. I love you, too.
All right, Jenna, how are you? We've got like five minutes. I just wanted to check
in with you. I'm so glad that you got to jump on. I know you've been sharing some
of your single mama. I was a single mama, too, so I totally relate. I just wanted
to check in on you because I know I saw you had responded and
then I was like, oh, you didn't get to come and then I was like, oh, maybe she'll
come this week. And so then I recently saw what you had posted as well and, you
know, I definitely related to a lot of that. That, you know, the one having
to turn your child over that you share over to someone that has hurt you. Yeah.
And that maybe is, you know, you're not quite at a place where you feel like
they're a trustworthy person, but they are your child's father. Yeah. It's so
beautiful. And so that's and that's and that can be a very vulnerable thing. And
so I relate to that in so many levels. Yeah. I think I don't know if you were on,
but I shared a little bit earlier, like my son's dad left me at seven months
pregnant. Yeah, I heard that. Immediately, like very early on, I think my son was six
weeks and he like my son's dad was like, when do I get him for overnight? And I
was like, what? So, you know, and and and just how he even showed up in some of
his choices and things like that was it was a challenge. And this is a. What's
that? He and he claimed Christian, correct? Yes. Yes.
Absolutely. That's the hardest thing is like having heard his church and like
he's literally a minister and like an upcoming pastor and what's a church and
he can lead worship and he sings at other churches and everybody thinks he's
just like the greatest person ever. And I can see the brokenness. I can't fix him.
I learned that I can't control like I'm not going to move away and control the
situation because that's not the answer. I just I told him the other day, I was
like, well, just pray for discernment over my daughter and she'll eventually
see how it is unless you change. You don't mean but she's going to even say
like, I mean, I that like I told I had a lot of.
conversations to like, you just you're like, Oh, you know, and
that was
Oh, she's so anointed. And oh, da da da da. And he's and he
fixes a little old ladies.
Oh, yeah. And they're gonna show up and they're gonna show up
looking great. Absolutely. The best, the best advice that I was
given. And what really helped me is, I'll tell you a couple
things. You know, just again, my son is now 10. Okay, so going
over 10 years on this.
It gets better. And I know a lot of people would always tell me
that when my son was probably around your daughter's age, and
littler, and I'm like, I just don't believe it. It does. It
really happens. And you when you take your eyes off of that, when
you take your eyes off of him, and you focus your eyes on the
Lord. And this is easier said than done. Okay, right. And I've
walked this out. So just understand like I I'm not saying
things that I didn't have to struggle through. Yeah. But when
you take your eyes off that person, and you focus on the
Lord, and what you can do, and what God leads you to do. Even
in the moments that you're like, I don't want to do that, Lord.
But he's like, you're gonna do this. Yeah. Sometimes it's
literally like, Lord, I'm just gonna bite my tongue and make it
bleed. Because you're telling me and I don't want to listen to
you. It is following God's obedience. Yeah. But you get to
once you start shifting, and you start putting into practice what
the opportunities that God is giving you to be able to instill
in your daughter and empower your daughter with. And when you
start seeing that fruit come, you get to recognize like you're
in you have to so like any poor seeds, like I don't have to talk
negatively about my son's dad. Yeah. I mean, there's times that
like his dad is actually like my son adores him. And there's
times I'm like, I don't know why. But I'm like, you know
what? For the sake of my son. Isn't that how I want my child
to see his dad? Because that's a that's a part of who he is.
Yeah. Like, like that was one thing that I had to get ahold of
is when you look at a child, they are part both parents.
Yep. And so it is being able to kind of pull out. And some days
it's really hard. Yeah, to pull out some of the really positive
things in that other person. Or like certain situations. Sorry,
um, recently, like I get what you're saying. And when I when I
get revelation of something, it takes two days for me to be
like, Oh, okay, let's not do that anymore. You know, I'm
saying? Yeah. But here recently, it's been like, I think some of
my emotions are still in there, like the how I'm dictating or
whatever. But it's been like, he he will do stuff that how do I
say like, he'll set for example, Saturday, he had a farm this
farmer's market thing because I launched this skincare business
or whatever. And we went to the farmer's market, he showed up,
he helped me or whatever. So that's also like a boundary that
I'm like, I don't really think you should like show up for me
anymore. Because then like, I get emotionally re intertwined
or whatever, like, oh, he's showing up, he's doing this,
he's doing that. So I'm like, we need boundaries. And whenever I
put boundaries, something in him, so once me around too, so
then he'll break those boundaries, right? But he still
doesn't want to commit. So we went to the farmer's market, he
helped me set up and I was like, but he was really distant. And I
was like, Okay, so we're playing games today. Okay. So
then, um, Monday, he took my daughter, and I had to find out
through Facebook, that he had his ex wife there, even though
she's engaged to somebody else. And his son was there, who's 19
or whatever. And then X. And this was someone that was kind
of intertwined. There was some like inappropriate. Yes, because
it was a pastor that I met my ex at this
church that this pastor was the pastoring over now it's shut down now because of whatever
happened and that pastor tried to get with me and where I was I was like oh I'll flirt
back like nothing happened but I like flirted and whatever and this was even before me and
this guy got together but I was honest and I told him and everything but however that
was his pastor for like seven years so that was who he was up under and so he was at the
event and I was like why are you still talking to people like that you know and I guess that's
none of my business but then I was like and then why is my daughter in the background
of your little video of everybody and I can't control who he has around that's also something
I have to learn but at the same time I'm like dang like he really never respected me like
because how are you going to still hang around somebody like that and he just doesn't make
you're starting to the the mask is coming off the sheep wool like it's you're starting
to see like oh my goodness like you're starting to see the wolf behind the sheep's clothing
yes yes and so when you see that you're just like oh why didn't I see that and you know
like the best thing I can say is like don't beat yourself up but just recognize okay Lord
what is that spending time again that's where I say take the focus off of them and put your
focus back on the Lord so that's the issue so I've been solid I guess and then I was
the one trying to change it or the the constant battle going back and forth but like but wait
we were in worship together at 3 a.m. you're speaking in tongues and like really broken
before God and all these things and you get words of knowledge for people and people have
a breakthrough doing your worship but yet he's fake though like how you know and I that's
like the struggle I go through daily like because you're one person at church and amen
brother and amen this and amen that but then with me you're like it's like you're sleeping
with the enemy like but again that's because you're still shifting your focus on how he's
showing up okay you want him to you want him to be something that he's not or that
okay but then who is that at church though that's the fakeness that's what you're talking
about the wolf in sheep's clothing okay and then again and you have this and now you've
got this vulnerable tie because your child is involved and unfortunately like you can't
you can't do anything to change that yeah so it really is it's about you know showing
up for your daughter and in praying for her covering and like it really is a letting go
and trusting the Lord and really spend time at like ask yourself do you trust the Lord
with everything I mean and that's hard that was that's a hard thing especially like again
when we're a single parent I have to literally remove myself especially when when they're
baby babies remove yourself where they can't care for themselves yeah you are now putting
the well-being of your part half of your you know like part of you
into the care of someone else that you were like deceived me yeah and that's hard
but yes God the God yeah loves you and loves your child more than you love your child
yeah I mean I this is not I mean it's not a similar situation but my my son's dad left me
seven months pregnant to date he was I was 32 he was 30 he was 30 and the girl he left me for
was 20 and she had a child that was like a year and a half older than my the son we had and I
didn't know about her until my son was six months old but she like that happened before my son was
born and so that was always like when I would drop my child off even before I even knew it
there was another one woman caring for my child and I had no idea I know no idea and so I I mean
and I was in the heart work and I was having a really
Assess and work through I had already gone through the heart where I mean that all happened before I entered the heart work
and
there were still times like I would see them on
Facebook and there was a person that I saw
was related to his
Girlfriend
who was
Into witchcraft in Satanism
But
Y'all
This is I was in heart work
Yeah, I'm like
whoa, like what am I supposed to do like that because I'm like like
He has no idea what he's spiritually inviting into our son's life
Like if my sons are I mean I did I did that whole like
What spiritual doors are opening up for my child?
He has I had my best friend she's like Carla
You know how to fight this spiritual battle
Stop allowing the enemy
Just sit there and get you worked up and fearful that that God doesn't have
Your son's best interests at heart and that there is no protection for him
She's like you pray the armor of God over your child every time he leaves that house
Yeah, that's true. He's like are you praying? Are you praying Ephesians over your son?
When you drop him off
She's like that's your that's you being obedient to the Lord
Wow, yeah, you can't change
How his father shows up and who he puts in contact with your kid?
Yeah, like that that should not keep you from being obedient to God and what God has called you to do and that is to
cover your son and
She's like you step in that authority and you know
Like you can't you give all authority to God when your child is out of your care
Because guess what Carla she's like when kids 18, you're gonna have to do that
You're getting prepped for that, yeah, that's true and so I want you to start taking authority
of what you've what God has given you
You don't you don't keep your eyes on his dad and what his dad is doing. Oh, he's got all these God
Why are you blessing him with words of knowledge and everybody thinks he's so wonderful and fantastic and I know who he is and nobody
Guess what?
The Lord sorts all of that out it's not it's not ours it's not our responsibility
God's blessed you as a mother and
that little girl
Needs you to be that spiritual covering for her and that's exactly what you're gonna do
Regardless of who her father is and you are going to be obedient to the Lord and you are gonna be obedient to God
You're going to be obedient to the Lord and you are gonna walk in who he's called you to be and
You're gonna get the healing that you need so that you can continue to move forward
Yeah, what he decides his free will his choice is on him and guess what you get to pray for him
Yeah, I still pray for my son's dad. Yeah
I
Don't really like to
Yeah, I'm glad you said though about being obedient like covering her and stuff cuz I do that
I'm not gonna say I'm perfect into it every single time. No, of course not
but
God gives me dreams too, and he's been showing me certain things like warnings, which is so just kind of intertwines
Because I know that the Lord warns me in dreams and so I take it seriously and even when I
Comment to him because there's still I don't know why there's that still that openness about me with him
Like I'll have a dream and I'm like, hey, how do you about the baby?
I just want to show you like tell you about it because you know, I'm prophetic you're prophetic like you love God
I love God
So like maybe we can kind of tag-team prayer or like I'm warning you because he's warning me on what's coming or whatever
Yeah, I always have dreams where he
Recently it's like he's more nonchalant about certain things. Like my daughter will be in danger and
Like an example there was like this really quick there was a parking lot there was a
Tall white guy. He said he's had a dream about a white guy, too
It's like like the baby's diaper off or whatever and I was like, whoa, that's crazy, right?
And so I had a dream about a guy in a parking lot didn't know who he was
He was looking at me crazy
and the baby was kind of
walking away from me and didn't have my hand and she fell into like this drain like
It was supposed to be covered and it wasn't and she fell
But when I looked down, there was no current.
The water didn't look deep, it didn't look dirty,
nothing like that.
It just, but it's, you know, she got swept away.
And I was like, well, regarding her age,
and even though it's like ankle deep water and it's clean,
I still gotta go after her.
And so a friend of mine was like, it looks safe.
It looks a certain way, but it's not.
And you still went after her.
And I literally handed her dad the phone
and was like, here, cause you just stood there.
And was just like, whatever, you know?
And I was like, no, I gotta go after her.
Here's my phone, I'm going after her, you know?
So he's a little bit more nonchalant
when it comes to people and situations
and people that do witchcraft.
But he's like, oh, but yeah, but they can come to Christ.
And this is what my Facebook page is for and blah, blah, blah.
And so I'm like, okay.
But again, I want you to, I want you to listen.
Like I, like discerning and getting those dreams,
you know how to spiritually fight those battles.
No, that's what I'm saying.
That's why I'm like, yeah.
And that's what you get to do.
What will happen if you're not careful
is that the enemy will want to use what the enemy
or what God is trying to give to you
so that you can fight spiritual,
like despite the spiritual battle,
like you can, you know, pray over your daughter.
The enemy is gonna want to twist it to put fear in you.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Now you're operating in fear.
You're not operating out of discernment
because now you're fearful.
God is not gonna give you a dream of discernment
and then make you be fearful.
Yeah, yeah.
You're just gonna be like, thank you, Jesus,
that you've given me this discernment.
I'm gonna pray over my child.
I know you protect me.
You allow me to see this because you've got me.
You love my child.
You love me.
We've got this.
Thank you, Jesus.
And guess what?
You get to go pray in the spirit for that.
Yeah.
And then you release it.
Yep.
And then you have that peace
that surpasses all understanding.
But if you catch yourself sitting here
in the anxiousness and the fear, guess what?
The enemy just took what God meant to give you
for discernment and he used it.
Yeah.
And he got you entangled.
Right.
And now you're just playing the game.
And he's just sitting there thinking, look, look, look.
See, look, God's giving you this
and now I'm getting to play
all these little puppet strings for you.
Yeah, yeah.
But you don't get to,
like, you just get to thank God that he's given you gifts.
Yeah.
And you get to pray and fight it in the spirit
and that's it.
So hold on to that.
I want you to start recognizing
when you're operating in fear
and when you're operating in God's peace.
Okay.
Okay, and catch that.
All right, but it's time to jump off.
Thank you so much, ladies.
All right, Eloise, I'm looking at your message right now.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry about your car wreck.
Girl, I think you're in Texas.
Those Texas drivers.
I am in Texas.
Yes.
Girl, these Texas drivers are insane.
We're definitely praying over you
and I'm so glad that you were able to hop on.
I mean, even when you can't hop on,
we always have this in replay as well.
So just know that's always there.
Just go on the replay.
Okay, I didn't know that.
Mm-hmm, and yeah, just keep showing up, girl.
And share with us in the ad what God's putting on your heart,
like what it is that you feel that he wants you to work on
and we got you.
I think I met you in Austin.
Did we?
Yes, I think you came in Austin.
Yeah, I was there.
Yes, so, but yeah, you just hop on whenever you can
and we're praying for you.
And yeah, we're always here at one o'clock and seven.
Well, it's 12 o'clock our time and seven o'clock our time.
That's central time.
One o'clock Eastern, eight o'clock Eastern.
Yeah, yeah.
So I'm still working on the first seven dates.
And so, and I don't know any of the dating sites.
I did that years ago.
It was not successful.
So I don't know of any of the ones that are going now
and all that.
sort of stuff. Are you on Facebook? Oh yeah. I, I had good luck with Facebook dating. I
know Renee did. I know Bethany did. I know Ebony's used Facebook dating. You can start
there. And again, there's not like, you don't have to stress out about the seven dates again,
just release that to the Lord and just literally hand him the pen and be like, okay, Lord,
you're going to make this happen and I'm just going to step into, you know, imperfect action.
So what can I do today? Yeah. So yeah, I've, I've had several conversations. I've never
met a stranger, so that's not difficult for me. So, um, uh, and I'm in some Christian
singles groups in the Dallas, Fort Worth area and stuff. So, um, but, uh, I just, so where
do you find the Facebook dating thing? Um, so when you're on your page, I think it will
probably be under settings. Um, probably under settings and there's like, it will have a
dating or like a little heart. I'd have to do some research and figure out like where
that is, whether you're on your phone or on the, on your desktop. But I think even if
you would just Google like how to, how to set up Facebook dating, it should give you
probably instructions. Dating app for, for Facebook. Yeah. Just be like, how do I, how
do I, um, sign up for Facebook dating? Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, I've got to go. Um,
but ladies have a blessed rest of your day. Definitely jump on Ebony's call tonight. If
you can make it, watch it and replay as well. It's been a pleasure. I hope you ladies have
a fabulous week and definitely keep coming to app and share us, um, share with us all,
all that you're experiencing. Okay. Talk to you ladies soon.