everything that's going on. Let's pray. Father God, I thank you for every one of these ladies. I
thank you Lord God that you always have a blessing in store for us. That means you always have
goodness stored up. The Bible says that in heaven there is a storehouse of goodness and so we just
thank you for that storehouse and I ask that you pull from it on tonight through words of wisdom,
through understanding, helping us get to the expected place on time, no delays. We thank you
that things are coming early. We declare it. We claim it to be so in Jesus name. Amen.
Amen. Well, if there's anyone new, I call that for you. Wave at me. If not,
if you are, then wave. Welcome. I just want you guys to remember that this phase is for you to
receive and I hope that you enjoy receiving. If there's anything that you need that you're not
able to get, please share with us so that we could be of highest help to you in your process.
Don't forget that your video courses are under the tab. They're five total. You can watch one a week
plus you have replays and lives. Don't forget about prayers every morning if you ladies want
to join and it's really good. We have Supernatural Saturday which is always so good with Jackie
and it's under the replay tab and we do offer one-on-one for a fee and so you're welcome to
choose from any of our amazing coaches. We're all there ready to service you and yeah, those are all
the announcements and updates. Before we get started, not if you have any dating or personal
questions that we're going to get to the coaching part, do you have any questions about the program?
Anything you need to ask, say, you can just unmute and go for it.
Okay, well good. Oh, go for it. Sorry, if we put something in the chat and then
one of the leaders responds and asks us a question,
should we respond to the question or start a new chat? I haven't figured that out.
Well, the thing is for our system is having glitchy issues so put at that person's name
Carla or Ebony and see if that will allow it to pop up for us to see it and let's just say
after a day or two you didn't get any response and I'm sorry y'all have to do so much work for this
but I put at and I don't know how to make your names appear. I don't know why it doesn't work
for me but there are other people who post and put at and it immediately comes to me.
So if you put at and you don't see any response, try making a new post. Oh, it's only for the
initial post that works. Thanks Nadine and if it doesn't work, create a new post and say hey,
I responded, check out the post. You don't have to repost the response, just say I responded,
can somebody check out the post? Create a new one, put at somebody's name, whoever you want
or both names and just say I responded to your post. They'll be best because sometimes we have
to look for a couple of days to find some of them literally and so we are truly sorry about that but
we want to respond and sometimes they're urgent so try to put you know at on there as soon as you
can and so we can respond to you especially if you got something you got to answer to that night
or you need a response, we can try to get there as quickly as possible. Yeah, sounds great.
It's good. Good. Thanks. Good, good. So tonight I'm gonna set a timer because I want to do 20
minutes. I don't want to go over 20 minutes but we're going to be talking about early dating
and this is going to be about discernment versus emotional and spiritual other investments or
over investing. So this is in early dating, you have to create discernment versus emotional and
spiritual over investment. So this brings up the question, what is healthy dating? Okay,
a lot of times when we start dating especially because you ladies are on a faith journey,
we really lean in heavy to what feels spiritual. It's just so happened that spiritual feels really
fast for some reason and it feels like an instant connection and you check all of my boxes and I
believe it's the Lord. Now it's not a coincidence this happens for every single woman. I said I
want you to hear this pattern because we are walking by faith and we do believe in sudden
here and we do believe that things are accelerated for you.
And this is what you hear all the time.
It's so easy for this to become muddy water for you,
because when someone takes an interest in you, it feels good.
Now, if nobody else agrees, I know how it feels.
And it's exciting to get to know a new person.
It's exciting that somebody is calling you.
It's exciting that they're texting you.
It's exciting that they want to know
something about you and you want to know something about them.
So you got to think that you've got a lot of excitement going on.
All right. Got a lot of excitement.
You just got out of Supernatural Saturday.
It's coming early. Expect early.
Expect early. Then somebody shows up.
So it's very easy for these early dating experiences.
Yeah, they do. I'll take care of that.
I just thought it would take care of itself and I wouldn't have to.
Sorry.
All right, that's better.
So it's so easy for these early
dating experiences to get really muddy, really
confusing, and what what happens is
if you believe that there's some type
of spiritual connection that you move too quickly in it, if you believe it's some
type of emotional connection, if it happens very quickly,
we sometimes associate that with intensity.
We believe because of the intensity, it must be spiritual.
It must be God.
It must be a match, and you can think I want you to think about when you start
talking to somebody and it's intense, this has happened once for me.
It has happened for me.
It has happened for a lot of women
because we confuse intense with spiritual.
Right, or intense with any will make an
emotional connection or attachment out of that intensity.
And so because what's the so what happens is you need to be grounded.
We need to be grounded in truth.
Hear me, I don't care how spiritual it is.
It should not lack wisdom.
The more wisdom that it lacks, the less spiritual it is.
All right, the Bible says in the book of Proverbs,
there are two voices that call out to you.
One is called foolish and one is called wisdom.
OK.
We use wisdom to build a house, Christ said, before you even follow me,
go count up the cost.
There's no way you're going to get in a relationship or talk to somebody the first
time and you haven't counted up the cost, you can't count up the cost because you
don't know them.
You literally do not know them, you only know what they told you and what
they told you sounds good, but it's not a good enough to build on.
You still could be on sink and sand.
Because it takes a process for this, so
what happens is we usually when we misread that intensity for something
spiritual, we make an emotional attachment too soon.
We will over invest too quickly.
And even though you may not over invest
with your words is something about your heart, little pieces of your heart that
you hope you had, you'll kind of sprinkle it over there and you usually don't know
it until they do something to reject you or they ghost you.
And all of a sudden you feel something had left you, but you didn't know it left.
Has anybody ever experienced that?
You're talking to them and when they ghost you, it hurts so bad.
But I think somewhere in that little
time frame, one day, two day, three days, something left our heart.
We gave over something too soon
because we weren't grounded in wisdom and in truth.
This doesn't take a special type of woman.
This doesn't take a skilled type of woman.
It takes the type of woman that's sitting
in this coaching group that has access to every one of Jackie's teaching.
That's the woman, the equipped woman.
The woman who has come into the understanding
of wisdom given to them through a program, this program.
You can't be, you cannot be bamboozled, you cannot be tricked.
I am telling you that you are like what they call bulletproof.
You are trick proof.
Whenever you have wisdom.
No one can deceive you.
Wisdom and boundaries guard your heart.
I don't care what someone has done to you
in the past, this is not the past.
This is now.
You now have knowledge and access
to understanding that you didn't have in the past.
OK, so.
Sometimes we misread intensity as connection and it's so easy to do that and intensity feels so
good and it feels a lot like connection. I'm telling you ladies it really feels like connection
and it happens very early on and I want you to hear me because if you've dated anybody before
you felt this before. It's intense and intensity feels like connection but it's not and it's hard
for me very hard for me even me to tell myself this is not connection. This is not spiritual.
I have to submit myself to an order that says hey this is not wisdom. What you thinking about
Ebony? I don't care how good it feels and I'm telling you my self-talk so you can borrow it
if you need to. No matter how good it feels
this ain't it. You don't know them. You literally do not know them. You don't know them. You've only
text them. You know you've only done one FaceTime. You really don't know them and I say that to
myself over and over and over again because it feels like a connection okay and then what happens
is you try to build something with someone who hasn't shown consistency yet.
You need that track record of consistency before you release anything into someone else's hand
that belongs to you to steward. You need a track record of consistency and I'm not talking about
no two or three days. He said he's gonna call and he called. Everybody's excited in the first week.
That's an exciting time. Everybody wants to get phone wasted. Yes I want to talk to you all night.
I know I gotta go to work but let's just talk okay. Everybody wants to text. Everybody likes to
see their phone go ding and everybody's around you don't know that you're getting a text from
somebody like this is a real thing and so I don't want you to ever feel like you're wrong for the
feelings that you're having. I'm sharing with you exposing my process and some of the other
ladies process so we can agree that this is a real thing and you can give yourself grace when
the ding comes up giggle at it because it does feel good and when you recognize that it feels
good say but hey I don't know them yet. So you cannot suppress how you're actually feeling and
try to override it with some truth. No embrace what you're experiencing and then lay the truth out.
Don't deny yourself because that will cause you to actually move away from your discernment.
If you you need to stay stay grounded in yourself so you can stay within discernment.
So you can say yep that feel real good but I ain't gonna let you pick me up.
Don't deny that it would be nice but no we're not gonna do that. That's not what's best right. So
you want to stay in discernment. The way you stay in discernment is to stay grounded and tell
yourself the truth. Tell yourself how you feel. That's perfectly fine. So let's talk about when
it feels spiritual but it's actually unstable right. It feels spiritual but it's actually unstable.
You can know it feels spiritual but it's actually unstable if you only know the person a few hours,
a few days, a few weeks. When a person says to you I pray for someone like you,
I think God has answered me. How many of you guys have heard a man say that like
first day two days and we always hear that men know first. Men always know when they meet the
woman. You've even heard men say it like I already knew. I already knew when I talked to her. So you
that really gets crossed over in your mind because they're like I've been looking for somebody like
you just kind of white but I when they say that I want you to say to yourself but they don't even
know me. Think about all the places when this happens I want you to bring yourself in real
time. It's happened to me a number of times so that's why I'm telling you this is what I do.
I said that's so interesting they want me to be their wife. I bet they don't know I struggle with
A and B and C and D. I bet you they knew that they wouldn't want me to be their wife. I bet you they
knew how disrespectful I could be. They don't want me to be their wife. I bet you don't know if I run
over them like a bulldozer they wouldn't say the Lord told them I'm their wife. So I remind my own
self of the truth about who I am and where I am in the areas that I need to grow and I say it'll all
come out in the wash when they get to know me. I wonder they're gonna still be singing that same song.
So it really helps you to bring some reality and truth to your soul.
yourself up because it sounds so good it do feel good like yes i'm the one let's get married
how i've longed to hear those words right so so all of this it feels so spirited so intense but
it's not there's no consistency there yet you don't know them and it really and i know i keep
expressing this it feels like you do but i'm telling you you don't okay and so when a man
says this to you it's that that can that can be a challenge for you and so you're gonna have to
process through the way i just did and i hope that i'm able to help you and you fill in your
own thoughts with it okay that somebody meets you and says you you're the type of woman i pray for
after they looked at your resume after y'all talk about everything you do in ministry everything
they do in ministry and how you've always dreamed of doing an orphanage and they've always dreamed
of doing an orphanage i was literally talking to a guy he said it's so crazy everything this is the
first time i talked to him everything that you want to do are things that i already like to do
i said well wow but he doesn't have any dating coaching he's not been in a program before
but for him and so that's another thing i want to tap on this sometimes we believe because the
man is at liberty to say all these things and do all these things that we have to jump on the
bandwagon you have to remember that they've never been in coaching before they're not trying to
manipulate you or even play you a lot of times this is how they learn to do relationships this
is how they learn how to do dating move in fast the intensity feels good for both parties they're
learning this new woman she pretty we we this is it i don't know if you know but y'all could talk
you could talk to a person for one hour and feel like wow this is the one who's ever felt that
before like the conversation was so good you kept talking it was so fun it seemed like you just
clicked and when you get off the phone it seemed like you'd be kind of knowing them for about two
weeks but it's been two hours like this is a real thing so i just want you to know how real that
could be especially depending on how much you talk about in those two hours right and so um when
somebody says this you you're the person i always wanted it sounds good to be chosen so what happens
is you have to slow down right and you have to realize that this person don't know what they're
talking about just because a man says to you and i hear this well i just talk to one person at a
time and so now that i'm talking to you i'm really not worried about being on the app and you just
say okay i understand everybody do things differently
it's all right i'll answer that you just tell them okay i understand thanks for sharing
right you cannot allow that to dictate something in you that you need to bring some type of a
exclusivity to the table because that's something he's decided to do that's just the way he does
things right and sometimes you have to be careful there's a scarcity mindset that a sneak in that
sometimes you have to be careful there's a scarcity mindset that a sneak in that you don't hear it's
an undertone well i better try to i mean if he did that maybe i should do that too i don't want to
mess anything up if you listen closely it may be playing back there right or if he finds out that
i'm talking to other people maybe he'll stop talking to me i mean he's serious this is really
kind of what i want but he's never asked you to be exclusive with him he just told you that he's he
just like to talk to one person at a time men share a lot very quickly let's just normalize
that that's a real thing they literally share they will share their whole life with you in 30 minutes
and a lot of times they're thinking let me just get this out the way so you can know i've been
married two times i got demon children and me and her fell out because of this and this ain't
working because of that and this happened this oh and i've been to jail one time i did this one time
and you're like whoa whoa whoa whoa there's too much personal stuff because you're in the program
and you know that's an overboard but they feel like if you don't want me say it right now because
here i am and sometimes we take that as an invitation that we need to pour out more but
it's just not true and even more so when you do start to pour out you notice they're not asking
you questions about you so now you feel like they don't want to know anything about you
and you're like they've asked me nothing about myself and i've taken all this interest in their world
right
It's just the process, it's just pacing.
It could not mean anything.
I actually, I felt like this guy one time
wasn't asking me anything about myself.
So I know how that feels, I'm not removed from it.
And I was like, because of that,
because he wasn't asking me anything about myself,
what I did was I beefed up how much I was talking.
I tried to fill in the gaps.
I tried to keep the conversation going
until I realized that that was causing me
to be anxious and to over invest.
And I could feel it in my nervous system.
So I had to pace myself.
You said, how do you pace yourself?
In the moment, I had to calm myself down.
I said, wait a minute, something's happening here.
I feel like I'm working.
I could feel myself working.
And so what I said was I got my conversation together
and I said, hey, I wanna share something with you.
I said, when I talk to people,
I really enjoy when they ask me questions.
I said, for instance, like when we're talking,
I enjoy if you ask me questions
because I feel like when a person asks me questions
that they're interested in me.
And so just before I even said that,
I prefaced the question, I was like,
hey, are you enjoying getting to know me?
He's like, yeah.
I said, oh, so you are interested in getting to know me.
He was like, of course.
I said, well, I wanted to share this with you.
When I talk, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
And I always try to make sure I don't make I statements.
I always try to make sure I don't tell a person what to do
or tell them because they didn't do something.
This is an accusation against them.
All I'm saying is what I like and what I prefer.
And I said it that way.
He never had to give me an answer.
I would look for performance.
Don't really matter what you say.
But what he did say to me was this.
He said, can I tell you something?
He said, well, I'm just chill.
I'm just laid back.
And I went trying to hit it.
He said, well, can I share something with you?
He said, it's going to be kind of personal.
And I said, well, you know, go for it.
He said, I actually suffer with, I deal with rejection a lot.
He said, I've gotten much better.
He said, but sometimes I am concerned about asking something
because I may get rejected.
And he said, I think that's what you're seeing.
And I thought that was so good.
And I made a note of it so that I could share
because I had never processed the fact that a person,
when he said that, oh, that made complete sense.
But he said, I feel like I'm going to be rejected
if I ask certain things.
He said, so what I do is I chill and I just watch
and I just observe and I kind of just go with the flow.
He said, but I hear what you're saying
and it's not because I'm not interested in you.
And I just said, okay, now it doesn't mean
that I'm not going to be observing to see
if he don't ask me more questions
because he got to get past himself, right?
That's just me saying like,
what is your ability to get above yourself?
But I thought it was interesting to hear
and I'd like to pass that on to you all.
So when pacing is going really fast,
we slow down by slowing us down first.
We remind ourselves of truth
that I don't know this person, we're not there yet.
We bring ourselves subject to the boundaries
that we put in place in this program
or put boundaries that you have for yourself.
Everybody should have some boundaries that they adhere to.
And I say should with a strong should,
because if you don't have any boundaries
or order that you come under, then what are you doing?
Are you a city without walls?
Whereas anybody can come in and out.
Well, he felt like maybe in the past,
he's been rejected for asking questions.
Somebody said, wait, what?
He'd be rejected for asking questions?
I don't think I understand.
I believe I have,
have you ever want to say something to somebody
about how you feel, but you're scared
if you say they're gonna reject you?
Have you ever been talking to a guy
and you really want to express yourself,
but you're like, I ain't gonna say that.
I'm not going to ask
because I don't know what you're gonna say back.
Or if you ever want to have a hard conversation
with somebody and it really was your truth,
but you didn't say anything.
I think that's what he's talking about.
I don't know what he could have wanted to ask.
Now I'm thinking to myself,
the simple stuff like,
oh, you know, maybe do you enjoy work?
Now I do believe he lacked communication,
ability to communicate, right?
So let's not say that that's not there,
but I believe he was telling the truth about what he said.
However, he may lack some communication skills.
A lot of times men do lack communication skills,
but I think sometimes people just be nervous
and as they get to know you better,
maybe they'll ask more questions.
I don't know what his experience has been
with asking questions.
I remember the first day we started getting to know each other
he did ask questions, but it seems like.
They kind of fell out. I hope that helps.
But this is not to excuse.
Look, don't take this as if somebody don't ask me questions, then it's OK.
They may be feeling rejected and you keep
talking to them because you're not going to keep talking to somebody.
Don't ask you questions about yourself.
You're going to you're going to conclude that they don't they're not interested
in you and I don't care how interested they say they are.
In a week time, if they don't ask you
nothing about you and you have to carry every conversation,
nobody's going to listen.
That's hard to hold up to.
You're going to stop talking.
You're going to talk to them less.
That's a heavy load to carry.
I've tried it before. That's hard.
So how do we slow down?
We use discernment and we say if somebody says I pray for someone like you,
I always want to meet somebody like you, you remind yourself of the truth.
And remember that any statement like this
and you don't know a person is very premature.
It's premature emotionally and it is a spiritual attachment.
That's why we encourage you not to read
the Bible together, not to send scriptures to each other,
not to pray together early on, because that creates a spiritual attachment.
And you believe you know them by the spirit and everything else is OK.
It's something about when we feel like we know a person by the spirit,
that's who they are, listen, you can know them by the spirit.
And what you don't know,
it's going to take them 10 years to develop a way to communicate.
You can know somebody by the spirit.
Have you ever looked at your life
and seen how long it takes you to grow in one area?
Look at your life, think about stuff you had to grow in
and how long it took you to grow with the Lord.
And when you chose, you didn't want to grow and you didn't want to deal with it
and you didn't want to talk about it.
And you look a year pass up, two years pass up.
That's the same thing when you're talking to a guy and you're saying,
I know you by the spirit, but you don't have any fruit.
So Jackie teaches us that we are fruit
inspectors, not spirit inspectors, because you need what's in the natural.
When you're talking about the making a relationship work.
I hope that I hope the ring makes sense there.
Let's talk about this.
Let's talk about early on.
What's your role in the first week?
Your role in the first week is not to repair misunderstanding is not to be
spiritually aligned in connection. A lot of times we like to make sure we're
spiritually aligned, spiritually aligned.
But remember, you only have words.
You've not seen the fruit of anyone and they've not even seen your fruit.
Sometimes we believe when a person matches
all of our boxes, that they're perfect for you, but are you perfect for them?
Oh, this is just what I need.
A lot of times when we have these boxes
that we want men to check out, we say, yes, he checked out all of my boxes.
He's perfect for me.
Now, the thing before that thing, I don't know.
OK, I'm trying to repeat myself and they
didn't, but she said that ain't the thing, she said the thing before that thing
about what our role is not in our first week of getting to know someone, Nadine.
Yes. OK, our role is not to repair any
misunderstandings, our role is is
not to spiritually align the connection,
like get us spiritually in alignment,
and our role is not to cover it in prayer together, like to stabilize uncertainty.
Your role is, this is the good part, to observe, to discern and to watch for
consistency, clarity and emotional stability over time.
Time is your friend in dating.
Time is your friend.
For some reason, when you're first getting
to know someone, it seems like the time is fleeting,
like you want to use every moment to talk to them, to get to know them.
It's fun.
But early dating, if you don't get that pacing, when you get that pacing off in
the first week or the second week, you're going to say things you can't take back.
You start to feel things you can't unfeel,
you start to plan things in your heart that should have never been planned.
And so what you have to do, if you did let the pacing go really fast,
just go ahead and come out of agreement with all the things you put yourself
in agreement with in the first two weeks, the first three weeks or even the first
month. Look, this ain't no one way street.
They make that U-turn, baby, go back the other way or jump over to.
next street and start afresh okay use your yield come on over around the little loop
and go the other way there is you can't mess this up
okay you really can't
because if a person chooses not to be with you they choose not to be with you
as the same way when you choose not to be with them you choose not to be with them
i don't care how long you've been without a date they are not the last fish in the sea
and i guarantee you is a bigger and a better one especially when you grow from what you've been in
if growth happened in your life then you're going to get something even better than what you had
it is not to be compared okay so your role is to observe is to discern and to watch for consistency
clarity and emotional stability over time
a healthy man does not lead with confusion he doesn't lead with pressure he doesn't
lead with monitoring behavior he does not lead with spiritual intensity without foundation
like them playing out how y'all gonna take over the world through the kingdom without
any foundation with you not a healthy person and then he doesn't have inconsistency but he
follows through he keeps his word okay and you're not confused everything is clear
um yes a healthy connection starts with steadiness and pacing healthy connections start with
steadiness and pacing if something takes off and goes really really fast i encourage you to slow
it down and it just could mean sometimes that this person just doesn't know how to date
but it's okay for you to set the tone for yourself
look you don't need a man to lead you in pacing to guard your heart without
diligence that's your responsibility it's not their responsibility
it is your responsibility to guard your heart all right um let me see
um
there's something
one more thing i want to say you don't have to match a person's emotional intensity
a person can be whoever they want to be and show up however they want to show up
they could like example they can say i'm off the apps i saw you i'm just gonna get to know you okay
right um you don't have to over explain yourself and you don't need to over invest
or try to manage anything it's hard not to do that but it's worth you not doing
yes it does work it worked for all situation that's true
sarah was saying this it works for work situation okay um
um so you want to regulate pace pacing you want to operate in discernment and you want
to operate an emotional maturity and let no one else set the pace or the tone
for the process that you're in and then this last thing i want to say
i made this note but i don't even know what i wrote you guys
bears identify possible issues in the person you are getting to know okay um if you pace enough
you will be able to identify possible issues in the person that you're getting to know
and it's not like you're being some kind of spy but if you pace and slow enough and if you ground
yourself you can identify like oh he does move kind of fast oh that was really quick to say
something like that to me oh oh wow yeah we shouldn't be talking about that that's not best
even if you do it after you talk about it don't beat yourself up because you said something on
the conversation there's always tomorrow and unless somebody says something to you that was
sexual or offensive in nature you really don't have to bring correction to whatever you allowed
in that conversation like if you talk too much emotional or you share too much overshare
you ain't gotta go back and fix that it's just the next time don't do it
just say oh i shared a little too much this is a part of the journey
you have to give yourself grace and by all means enjoy
enjoy there's there's a pleasure that comes with knowing you can't lose
there is there is a delight like i can't mess this up i can't lose
okay um
Okay, let's let's land with this intensity is not connection.
Spiritual language is not maturity.
Now, that's a good one.
Please hear me ladies.
Spiritual language is not maturity.
I don't care how much spiritual language they have.
It doesn't mean they're mature.
Okay, anybody ever met some mean they can use a lot of spiritual
language, but they were not mature at all.
Mm-hmm and then early consistency matters more than early chemistry.
A lot of times we say, oh, I just didn't feel anything good.
You want early consistency more than you want early feeling something
or chemistry.
Okay, the more you get to know a man and he's masculine mature and
marriage-minded baby.
That's all the chemistry you need.
He's integrous and honest and kind and gentle.
And righteous and committed to it all by himself without you.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, great.
Great.
Um, did we have?
I'm trying to see I believe we had an activation.
but
When you ladies are talking to someone in these early stages, I want you all
good.
I want you to zone in on pacing deny yourself calling them.
Give yourself some hours of time in between things start practicing pacing
and don't matter if you get it wrong, you're going to get it right if you
practice it.
Slow things down just for the sake of it.
You know be like, oh, I'm gonna have a really busy day tomorrow.
I want you know, we may not get an opportunity to talk but I do want you
know, I'm gonna be very busy and so I may not be able to reach out to you.
That's it.
You may not be doing nothing just don't reach out.
Tell the person hey, I'm having a busy busy day tomorrow, you know, if
you feel like things are going to practice how to give yourself pacing.
And you're not leaving them hanging.
They understand that you care because you say what you say it.
You can text them every day.
I said if you struggle with pacing know you can take somebody every day if
you want now, we'll tell you if you start texting every morning every
night all day long when you guys do split up and you stop talking you're
going to have to get over seeing that text makes it text message very very
often.
So there are different parts of stop talking to people that you agree.
Sometimes we just grieve we ain't got nobody to talk to anymore because we
enjoy having somebody to feel their space.
You think they hurt you so bad you just grieving that you don't have them
there anymore.
And if somebody else came along do the same text and you'll be happy to feel
them in that spot too.
And so sometimes when you do a heavy heavy talking all the all the all the
time when you decide to part ways you will miss that more than the person
itself.
And so that's just something you that's one reason why I pace conversation.
Because I don't want to deal with it.
And so
All right.
I think Nadine was first and then after that is between Tiffany Rachel and
Gail and I don't know because I was looking down but you guys know go for
Nadine.
I think Nadine was first.
Was she first?
I think so.
Yeah.
Hey, today is not a good day.
Well, I need your help.
Okay, and I wrote everything down so I can try to be quick to make sure all
the other ladies have some time on it.
But I've just kind of really been in anguish today.
So it's been seven weeks and this past Sunday.
I went to visit him for the first time because he's been down here for the
first few dates and then we met halfway for one of them and then we met
It was very eye-opening because it was just very eye-opening.
So we connected at his house and then he gave me like a tour of the area that
he lives in and when we went on the drive, there was just a lot of homes
that had like a lot
Just trash and like trash cans and like trash cans and like trash cans and
Just trash and like junk in front of their homes and I pray that doesn't
offend anyone but and so it's kind of hard for me to wrap my mind around
Like, being so close to that, I don't know.
And so, especially since he's, like, really shared about having a lot of big dreams, and
finances is, like, a fear thing for me that I'm still healing from.
But we went to some of the Cumberland Falls, and then in that we had a conversation that
led to an opportunity to ask him about his thoughts on, like, Halloween, and he gave
me his thoughts on that, which did not align with, you know, how I see that, which is really
hard for me, because that's a very clear stance in my household.
And then we visited his friend's house, who wasn't there, and he wanted me to come in
the house.
And I was just not, I was not comfortable with it, because I didn't know the person.
And he was like, Well, if you knew her, it'd be fine.
Like, it's fine.
I was like, Well, can you at least call her?
Because I just don't want to be in someone's house without them being aware.
Like, I'm just so uncomfortable.
And so when he did that, then I felt better, at least.
And so he just wanted me to show, he wanted to show me, like, the place where there's
a lot of ministry that they do with kids in that house.
And when I walked in, there was an area that I just wanted to vomit.
And like, when I'm sensing there's something in a house that's not of the Lord, like, I
get really nauseous.
And it seemed like he was, like, oblivious to that.
And so when we walked out, he was showing me this truck that he had purchased.
And at that point, I kind of just felt like, I was like, Oh, my gosh, like, is this, am
I dating my father?
Because my dad purchases all these different projects, and then he doesn't have time to
get to them.
But he, he invests money and effort into them.
And I didn't realize what that is a trigger for me.
And so after that, we grabbed food, and then we said good night.
And then the next day, I remember that night, I was just, the biggest thing that was on
my mind was just, I just felt like, and I know where I'm not supposed to be going that
far in.
But like, spiritually, I was just like, I don't know if, if the head knowledge is connecting
to the mind knowledge.
And I don't know if I am wrong in this, and if I need healing in this.
So I kind of just made it up in my mind that night, I was like, I can't move forward.
Like I just, like, I don't know if I can trust spiritual discernment here.
And I don't know if that's a lack of maturity on my end.
But the next day, we ate breakfast together.
And yeah, and so there was a lot of things that happened that morning, but I got bit
by a tick.
And so, so he saw another side of me where I was kind of like panicked.
And he was very calm and, you know, collected and all the things but I was like, a girl
like in that moment, big time.
And then like, towards the end of me about to leave, he got a call that a close friend
of his had passed away.
It was like a grandmother.
So there was just so many things going on the last two days.
And mind you, the last two weeks before I even saw him, it was like so heavy as far
as all the things on my plate and just, just feeling attacked.
And so, and I almost canceled going because of that.
And I probably should have so that I could kind of figure out what was my heaviness versus
what was what I was sensing in all the things.
And so I think at this point where I'm at is that, like, I am nervous for his lack of
spiritual discernment.
But at the same time, like just listening to what you were saying about how a man should
operate, the fruit are there so far.
Like, he has been gentle and he has been patient and it's like he wants to wait on me hand
and foot and he's very considerate.
And if I say something, he'll implement it, you know, he's not perfect.
There's things that have been like, a trigger unintentionally, but the fruit is there.
So I'm like, but spiritually, I don't know if there's that, but the things that you were
saying about how a man doesn't need to like, push things and needs to pace and all that.
He's doing those things.
And so I think that's what makes this really hard.
But at this point, there's been a lot of conversation.
And so there's lots of conversations about female friends.
And I know that it's not in a sexual way, but he grew up with sisters and he has one
brother who's autistic.
And so I do think that there's some something there that may need healing.
And so.
So I just don't know, he has male friends, but a lot of them are all over the country
and where he's at, he really doesn't have that guy community.
So that is concerning for me.
And the fact that he is, you know, he's 10 years senior to me, he's 43, and he doesn't
want to be in Kentucky, but yet he is in Kentucky.
And I understand he has a renovation project and he has to, you know, get that turned over.
But at the same time, it's kind of like you don't have children.
So I don't know, it is a struggle there.
And financially, which I can't judge, because I am like in debt and all the things.
And so this is where I'm like, Lord, I need I need you to give me some wisdom on this
one.
But he's fine.
He's not in debt.
But it sounds like even though he's paying the bills, a lot of his money is going into
this renovation project.
So then for me, I'm kind of like, are you going to be able to provide because it's not
just me, it's me and my son, you know.
And so I guess where I'm at today is that I jumped to conclusions very quickly.
And I've just been like, going back and forth on this.
Because he's been so consistent, he listens, he asks questions.
He's seen some good parts and bad parts of me, and he's still interested.
But the fruit's there.
But I also feel like I don't want to be judgmental with where he's at.
Because like you were just saying, sometimes it takes us a while to grow in a certain area.
And I understand that.
And I guess what I see is that I see God in him, and I see the potential.
And I know I'm not supposed to be looking based off of the potential.
I have to look at where he's at right now.
So that's really hard for me.
And if I decide not to move forward, I think what breaks my heart is that I really feel
like this would break his heart, like with some of the past that he shared with me.
And it's been similar with my walk.
So that's it.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I hear you.
I wish that your trip down would have been much more pleasant for you.
I think one of the top things I want to help you process through is your measurement of
spiritual discernment, and that you measure it against whoever, who you are.
Because I can put you beside somebody else, and they could believe maybe you don't have
much spiritual discernment.
So I think that we have to be very mindful to be grounded in the fact, is a person committed
to righteousness?
Because that is a core foundation.
Are you committed to righteousness?
Because the Holy Spirit lives in all of us, Nadine.
Yes ma'am.
So the Holy Spirit lives in all of us, and spiritual discernment comes from the Lord.
That's something somebody could grow in.
But if he never grew in it, he has the Holy Spirit living in him, and he does have discernment.
If you have a gifting where you can pick up on spirits, and you can sense and feel, that's
a gifting that you carry.
And I want you to be really mindful not to judge people by how you experience the Lord,
meaning they have to experience the Lord that way.
Okay.
Okay?
And the roles that you all will play in each other's life, where he was sharpening you
in the Lord, and how you were sharpening him in the Lord, and what would you carry
will the Lord use to help influence him.
And that's what happens in marriage.
We bring our resources to the table and we share them.
And before you know it, because he's married to a woman who discerns well, he gets an anointing
to discern.
The same way before you learn to discern or what it was, or you became shaped in the Lord,
you sit under some righteous teaching.
They taught you some scripture, right?
They help you grow and learn.
And so that's for all of us ladies, measuring people spiritually as far as did they discern
this or are they able to pick up on things spiritual?
Can they prophesy or do they speak in tongues?
Those are not best non-negotiables.
What a non-negotiable, healthy non-negotiable looks like, are you committed to righteousness?
Are you committed to righteousness?
You came that way, with or without me, you fear the Lord.
Do we understand what I'm saying?
Do you understand that Nadine?
I do.
And I, when you were talking about certain things we shouldn't do, I do.
I know that you and Karla have been saying you need to relax and you need to have fun,
but I'm so concerned of that, that sometimes I feel like that's what robs the fun, you
know.
But we had moments where it was playful and it was fun to bring that side out, but then
I hear something like this and then I, or I feel like I sent something and then it,
it just kind of overtakes me, so.
Well, that's okay.
What happens is it sounds like you're operating out of fear and somehow I believe if he could
spiritually discern, you'll be safer.
Okay.
So you've counted something against him because you picked up on a spirit and he didn't.
I don't even know if I can marry you.
Now hear that.
I don't know if I could be with you because I discerned something in the area and you
didn't.
You know what?
Forget how kind you've been, how gentle you've been, forget the fruits of the spirit that
you carry.
You didn't even pick up on that spirit.
I don't think I can do this.
Do you hear that?
I hear that.
And, you know, at the five week mark, I feel like it was like, instead of me having the
anxious attachment, then all of a sudden it switched to, um, uh, what is it preoccupied
where you're kind of like running away?
Yeah.
But I'm telling you, no matter what you switch to, you don't have to.
You carry the love of Jesus.
And I encourage you that when you want to switch into a way to give out love that you
switch back to Jesus, I want you to use your spiritual discernment to discern when you're
giving someone your leftovers or when you're giving somebody something that's not heaven's
best for them.
You do not have to operate under preoccupied.
You do not have to operate under avoidant.
You do not have to operate under anxious attachment.
You have Jesus on the inside of you.
You have a pure love on the inside of you that you can give from.
It flows through you.
It's the same power that gives you discernment can give you the power to give someone the
best.
And so when he didn't discern something you discern, it was like you, it sounds like you
feel like he wasn't able to protect you.
He wasn't able to be something in Christ that you feel like you need him to be.
That is not a, that is not a solid prerequisite.
It's not a solid non-negotiable.
So I encourage you to put down my non-negotiables that a person has to be committed to righteousness
because growing in the things of the spirit is just growing.
That's all it is.
It's growing.
And if he never grows in spiritual discernment, is he committed to righteousness?
Does he fear the Lord?
The Bible says that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and he delights in
his way.
Not the steps of a man that can spiritually discern the atmosphere.
The steps of a good man are ordered by God and the Lord takes delight in him.
Right.
And so I want you to think about these things when those fears come up on the inside of
you.
Okay.
So the thing you said about like, Oh, I saw all this trash and I just couldn't live in
it.
Do you know Nadine that this is not going to be the way it was with your father.
You don't have to marry your dad that he gets to make all the decisions where you're
going to live and what you're going to do.
You have the right to say, if he asked you to go exclusive and he wants to marry you,
you have the right to say, I will marry you, but I will not live in this place.
That's my non-negotiable.
But I believe that some of, because of the order that your father had and the way that
you all submitted and did everything he wanted, your mind is painting a picture that you're
going to have to also do this, right?
And that's not true.
And what if he does buy his cars and he spends his money on stuff and he's like your dad
in that way.
Was your dad a provider?
Did he keep you safe?
Did he hold his family together?
Did he respect his home?
Like there's so many other benefits.
There's so many other wonderful things than the one thing a person doesn't do well.
Are you following me?
And so it is important for you because you work to guard yourself against different things
that you start listing out all the good things and measure them for yourself.
Soon as you start like going on a loop, stop the loop and write.
Remind yourself about the truth.
Have you ever been friends with somebody and you do one thing to them and they throw you
away like y'all didn't have good years together?
Have you ever seen that before or had experienced that before?
And it's like, all I did was this one thing, did you forget I was the one you called and
cried to?
Did you forget how I was there for you?
Did you forget when I gave you this money, did you forget how I showed up here?
Did you forget these things?
I want you to think about it that way because you've had some time with this young man.
So I want you to start looking at a whole picture.
There's no big deal that he went in the house
and could pick up on something.
There's a gift.
I don't know if I touched on it,
but I wanted to touch on it.
And his age, Nadine, could be helping you
to lean more toward things the way things were growing up
with your dad.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
Because he's older than you.
This could be like shifting you into it.
And I'm bringing it up so you can be mindful of that
if you weren't mindful of it.
Okay.
And if you've gotten to the point at this seven week mark
and you've written down things and you're not,
if you don't want to move forward,
you don't have to move forward.
But I don't want you,
I want you to clearly know what you're basing them on.
Okay.
Right?
Maybe you don't carry spiritual discernment.
Right?
That's something you grow in from the Lord.
So make sure,
I want you to write down heaven's non-negotiables.
Okay.
So, Jackie always says,
you can have any non-negotiable you want,
but I prefer you to have heaven's non-negotiables.
Especially when y'all are seven weeks in,
this is a pretty good, y'all are in, right?
This is almost two weeks.
And so pretty soon,
some decisions are going to have to be made.
No pressure.
You know, another thing I'm going to tap on,
then I'm going to move on
cause we only have about 17 minutes left.
Nadine, I want you to be mindful
that you cannot judge a single man
the way he spent his money
off of how he's going to take care of you and your son.
That is your insecurity.
Okay.
It's your insecurity about
how you're going to be provided for,
and is he capable of providing for me?
You're insecure that he's going to be able to do this
based on what you're seeing.
But y'all are not even at that place
for him to rearrange his finances,
to make you feel safe with it.
He didn't have a responsibility
to have you to feel secure in that.
If he did that and told you that,
it will push you even further into the future.
Are you following what I'm saying?
Yes.
And so if he wants to throw every dime of his money away,
he can throw every dime of his money away,
just like you could throw all of your money away.
If you want to take all your money and buy your boy
a brand new wardrobe and some new shoes,
get what you can do with it.
And he don't have the right to look at you and say,
I don't think she's wise
with buying her son all of those clothes.
It's your baby.
It's your money.
And so we cannot determine.
And I know there's a thing was like,
you can look at how he steward his money to make decisions.
You can look at the way a person stewards their money
or look at the way they handle things
to try to draw from that.
But I don't think that we can draw from what,
unless you have other things you haven't told me.
I don't think it's wise to draw
that he can't provide for me and my child.
Okay.
I mean, there's nothing else.
Those are the red flags.
Okay.
So that's not a red flag.
Okay.
That's him spending his money the way that he wants.
It's not a red flag
that he didn't discern something spiritually.
That's a gift that you're carrying.
Okay.
And it's just, it was a good experience though.
It was a good eye opener.
And I'm glad it could have been more pleasant,
but that's okay.
It was what it is because remember,
dating helps us discover ourselves.
And so those things that you've written down
and the things that you've noticed,
really look into them and ask the father,
father, what is this really about?
Everything, I think I touched on everything,
but ask the Lord, what is this really about?
What's happening in me?
And you're pretty far in now
to start getting a little nervous or a little cold feet.
I want you to know this to be expected also.
Okay.
But I do remember,
so I have been hearing a lot of different things
and this is where I struggle
because I hear certain verses about how God sees him,
but then I hear other things.
So, and I'm not trying to go off that.
I'm trying to go off of the word.
But like that morning when I was worshiping at church,
I heard do not settle, sweeten 18.
And it's one of those things where it's like,
I just don't trust what I hear in my mind anymore.
Like if it's not the Bible,
because I just, I struggle in this area.
Well, the thing is going to have to happen
when you're hearing something,
you need to find a scripture.
help you. So what happens is when you hear don't settle sweet Nadine, it could
be, I don't know where did it arise from. Regardless of where it arise from, you
have a scripture that says trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean
not into your own understanding. In all that ways acknowledge him and he will
direct your path. That's the scripture that you have. You take that scripture
and you go to the Lord and you say I place this young man on the altar Lord.
I give this relationship over to you. Have your way. I trust you Holy Spirit
that you tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. Mm-hmm. I trust
that you will highlight what needs to be highlighted and so you'll have to do a
constant surrendering to the Lord. You don't have to live in confusion. You
don't have to say I don't trust this or I don't trust it. You just take it and
put it on the altar. Okay. Father God I give this to you. I know that you are
working things out for my good. I know that you are writing my love story and
we have to keep switching back and forth. It's called being God defended. Sometimes
we take over then we give it back. Sometimes we take over again we give it
back and you go through this shuffle with the Lord and that's okay. Okay. But
you're gonna have to keep surrendering it and he will direct your path. Thank
you. You're welcome. Who's next? Tiffany or Rachel or Gail? I don't know.
I think Gail is second. Okay you Rachel. Okay go Rachel. Hey Rachel. Oh you third.
Go Tiffany. Wait a minute. Gail is second and then I'm third. Hey Tiffany. Oh Gail is
second. Oh Gail is third. Who's second? Oh I thought she was before me. Okay I guess I'll
go. Okay. Okay. Um so what I wanted to share is I'm I don't know if it's a
struggle but I'm kind of hesitant. I know that I shared about my friend maybe
two weeks ago about Tom and I'm a little bit hesitant to share to ask him like
why have we not dated? Do you remember? Do you remember me sharing? Oh yes the guy that you
meet up y'all hang out but you haven't said anything to him yet. No so the only thing I said to him is I had
sent him a text because I saw him I think it was two weeks ago or three
weeks ago I can't remember but I had sent him a text because he's in last
year single as well. He's in the guy community and I said I said after we met
up like I think it was three days four days later I said hey like I know that I
shared with you that you know I'm in phase two now and that I'm open to
dating so if you know any great single guys that would be a great fit like let
me know. I'm open to dating and to being set up and he did respond he was like oh
like that's a cool message and he told me that he had coaching I don't know who
I think Jackie's his coach and that you know we'll talk about it so I haven't
seen him in person so but although I haven't seen him yet I'm anticipating
that you know maybe I'm gonna see him soon but I'm kind of hesitant I think
part of it is that I think in my heart there's there is a fear of rejection
like oh what if he says that oh well I'm not I'm not attracted to you or
like something like of that nature does that make sense oh yeah I feel for me I
feel like it's easier that he comes to me and has to be then me like putting
myself out there does that make sense I would rather yeah like ask is there and
you could there be anything here rather than me stepping out but I think it's
I'm operating out of fear does that make sense well I hear you but I think that
you've said enough okay like you said you're open to dating you said you're
open to being set up now it's like you've said that you're open to these
things so if he's interested either he's excluding himself which you didn't say
you didn't tell him that you wouldn't talk to him no he doesn't want to be the
one and so he's in the program and if he is interested in you and David is his
coach or whoever coaches the mean maybe not David somebody else I think you did
a good job ratio and I don't think you should do anything
Okay. Okay. That's good. Yeah, you did a really good job. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, you
did good. That was really good. Okay. Awesome. Thank you so much. That's it. All right. All
right. I don't know who three, who four is it Gail? Hey, Gail.
Hey. Um, so just an update, uh, local guy, distance guy, uh, local guy. Um, uh, I told,
I think I spoke last time about him pulling my top, uh, you know, all that. Well, I hadn't
heard from, I talked to you. I had, he kind of like avoid, he wanted, he did not, I said
we need to talk. I said that was like, I need, we need to talk. And I'm too busy the
next day. We need to talk too busy, he says. And then he kind of two days, he just disappeared.
And um, then, uh, he contacted me this last Friday and said, uh, okay, I can talk now.
And he came over to my house. Wow. Three months is the key to switching. He came, he came over to
my house and I could tell he was like, um, in a, like fighting mode. And I, he, I've been in two
abusive marriages and his whole premise is, is, Oh, I'm going to help you heal. I'm going to be
the love you never had. And he started in like saying the most horrible things I've really for
a victim of domestic violence to have somebody say that you stayed there because maybe you
enjoyed it or, or you, you, you couldn't walk away. I mean, he just went after me like, um, and I
said something like, well, I, I kept trying to calm it down, calm it down. Um, and I, the last
thing I mentioned to him is I, you know, I do have an issue that you're signing your dead wife's
every year. She was handicapped. She passed six years ago. Her car has a license, um, handicap
license plates on. So you can, you can park anywhere in a handicapped spot. And I told him a
while way back that it kind of bothered me. He was signing every time he got the form to renew, he
was signing her name. And I said, that's kind of like, it's illegal if people found out. And, um,
so he mentioned that to me, he said, I can do what it's my wife's car. It's none of your business
what I do. And, and I can do whatever I want to do and I'm not doing it for you. And then he goes,
it's a deal breaker, like hollered. It's a deal breaker. He stands up and says something like get
out of my face. And he walks out my door. I'm telling you, I'm talking about a guy that I was
getting candy and roses on a weekly daily basis. I love you, you know, 20 times a day take, well, he
did take me to urgent care twice when I was having a breathing problem. Didn't want to leave, you
know, he stood outside the exam room, all concerned. I mean, he just flipped. It's hurtful.
Yeah, that's hurtful. You didn't deserve that. It sounds like though he came to pick a fight so you
can break up with him. Because he kept ignoring, ignoring you, kept ignoring you. Then he came over
aggressively and said hurtful things that he knew you would say, you know, especially tapping on
those things, your marriages and those hurtful things. It sounds like he was very intentional in
that.
Yeah. And so, um, I was upset and it just so happened that friend, because I demoted far away
guy an hour away to friend because I made the decision to be exclusive with a close guy. And so
the far away guy was concerned about my health because honestly, I've, they think I might have a
form of COPD, but I, they thought I had pneumonia. They thought I had cancer, a spot in my lungs
that was nullified. So I have not been healthy the last three weeks. And so friend, oh night a
friend, you know, one hour away friend contacted me when I was crying and bawling after the local guy
and he said, I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I'm
sorry, I want to you need somebody there. And I says, Well, no, don't come an hour
away. But what you can do is, is we can talk on the phone, you know, just talk to
me, talk me down. He did. He actually got me laughing. Long story short. He said,
Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend? I mean, my life is like, actually, what he
said is, is I would like to take it more than that. Can we be because Okay, can we
be pre and in the pre engagement period is what he said. Yeah. He said, I said,
Well, is that like boyfriend girlfriend? He's no, it's much more than that. I
said, Well, why not? Because I don't I'm not in a dating anymore. It was just
those two. But I have known the local guy for three months and two weeks. And I
have known the far away and I've been communicating with a far away guy for
what did we decide it was two months in three weeks. So almost a week, two weeks
apart, something like that. So yeah, I have we have talked a lot on the phone.
And this weekend, we spent eight hours, he came down and we spent eight hours and
literally just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. But I guess I just thought just
giving you an update what happened and to warn these women, I mean, this, the
local guy, he just, you know, said all the right things did all the right
things. He he went to my church every week, even when I was sick and couldn't
make it. He's in church, he's friends with now friends with a pastor, blah,
he just warmed his way into my couple of my kids in the church. And and not and
but I have never been. He actually he looked at me and said, I said something
like, oh, he said, I can sign my wife's name because I'm a power attorney. And
I've been a power attorney for both my parents. And now my aunt I said, once
they're dead, power of attorney is non existent. You know, you can't sign for
them when they're dead as power attorney, executor, you can do it. You
can do it. But anyways, without the legal details. And I and he said, well, I
can and you're calling me a liar. And you lie for every one lie I tell you tell
five. I mean, he was just coming off like you said, like he was bound and
determined he was gonna nail me to the wall.
I think that I want to say this because I don't want any lady on this call to
come in fear that somebody is going to up and turn on you. I don't believe he
up and turned on you. I believe that you get to know people over time. And
there is something special about 90 days is true. But it doesn't mean that
people are going to up and turn on you. We want to just release you off from
that fear because that's not true. There are things that he said and done
before now get that his personality and just like if you tracked or traced, and
I don't think that all of his good deeds for you should be washed down the
hill. I'm just being real with you. I don't agree. I believe that people can
be both. They're not wanting and we can be both. You can just as sure as you can
be kind, you can be not so kind. Every one of us have areas in our life, you can
come out some gentle woman, if I trigger you right, you'll come be a rant raving
crazy woman start throwing stuff all over the place. Was the part of you that
cooked the meal not the woman that cooked the meal? Was the part of you the
woman who was gentle and kind not that woman? Yes, you were that woman, but you
were the other person also. And so I think that is important that we
understand that we can be both people. And I think he came there to pick a bone
with you. He knew that you were ending it with him. And maybe he wanted to end it
on his terms. But I don't believe that he is a mark for us to mark men by. Well, I
just know when you when I said 30 days and like all of a sudden I started
seeing the bad that you said that's usually around the time period. You do, you get to see people more fully. That's why Jackie encourages us to take our time. She says do 90 days, but if you can't at least 60 days before you go
exclusive. But at the three months, four months, five months, you start to see
people more fully. And so, but I don't want anyone fearing that somebody's gonna
up and turn on you. We're gonna pace well. We're gonna guard our heart with our
diligence. And they're gonna operate on the boundaries and everything's gonna be
just fine. Because people are gonna show up. We're people. We're people. Yeah, but
Gail, well, you were gonna break up with him. I'm sorry he said those mean things.
But it was for the good because he wasn't, he was not, he was not respecting your
boundaries.
Okay, was not he was not and so however he had to leave and he I tell you what
You were trying to keep him around as a friend
I believe that you got done a favor when he came there acting that way with you. You still want him to be your friend?
No
Exactly you told me well, you know, we could be friends. I said, yeah
Well, why are you trying to keep him as a friend? You want to feel the space in your life?
You want to keep something around and I said, well, you know, I don't agree with this keep him as a friend
But now don't worry. He said enough. You ain't keeping him around
Okay, let me move to Tiffany we got like four minutes thank you for sharing hey Tiffany
Okay fast so I had two first dates this weekend
It was um
and I I
kind of struggled with having the two because I
It was something I had to work through. I literally had to tell the Lord. I'm not a floozy
And I know like I'm I got over that right so the first date was
Horrible, it was
awful
And I see why now the Lord had the second one planned because it was so bad
I even told the Lord after we left I
See what you did because I probably would have gone into a shell and just been like forget it. I'm done
um, I
Knew there was no way on earth that there was gonna be a second date with this guy
But the date like I'm waiting on the waiter to come and bring the ticket and I'm like God just get him here, please
and he said
So, you know like this has been going great and I'm thinking are you sitting at a different table?
And he said sir, are we gonna see each other again
Are we gonna see each other again
But me I froze
Because I just didn't want to hear this dude and I was like, well, you know, like I've got a busy schedule
and I've never
So I
Left and later that night message him. It ain't good. It was even worse. So my question is I need some verbiage
for if that happens again
I say that cuz that was awful
Well, you can always wait till you get home and takes it
I mean that's kind of challenging to say in a person's face. You can practice that muscle. You can't practice it
You can say like hey, um, this didn't turn out the way I thought it would so we're not gonna see each other again
But that can be challenging to say in front of a person. I don't even know if I could pull that off
I'm not comparing you to me
But I'm telling you I'm not gonna give you some advice that I don't think I could pull out
So what I'm saying to you is they said we can have another you so well, let's let's look into it
Let's look into it. You can say something like that
And then when you get home you can voice message them
You can talk to them over the phone and tell them or you can text them
But you can get on the phone and say hey, you know
Thank you for the experience. I don't want to go any further
I wasn't able to tell you this face to face because it was just hard for me
But I want to tell you now
Yeah, and I did and it was awful
I ended up having to block the guy the guy messaged me on a different phone number
Oh, I blocked that number and then today three days later
He could he messages me on a different phone number and I'm like, oh lord
So no, we just got cray-cray out of the way, so it's got to be better
Better it always
So I went on the second date and the next day. Yeah, totally redeemed it
It was a beautiful date
So here's a couple of the questions one and you you kind of talked to some of this today I
Really want to get to know this guy now my I've only known him for a week and a half
So I keep telling myself that yeah
But in in our texting in our talking on the phone, we've got a second date planned. I
Am struggling with I don't want to be on the apps. I don't want to
Be on Facebook dating anymore just because my schedule and the bandwidth
But is that setting myself up?
for something if I do that?
No, what you're saying is you just wanna invest
in getting to know this guy and see where it goes?
Yes.
Yeah, you can do that.
That's up to you.
But whether you stayed on the apps or whether you didn't,
pacing, just operating pacing, operating boundaries,
there's nothing wrong with it.
You don't have to talk to multiple people at one time.
Okay.
Yeah, so it's nothing wrong
with you getting to know one person.
And putting your energy in what you do have focused that way.
Okay.
Thank you for that.
I think sometimes we talk to multiple people,
the other times that's kind of tiring.
That's a lot.
Yes, it is a whole lot,
especially with everything else going on.
So I feel like in what you were talking about,
like enjoying it and you were speaking to me in that
because I feel like I really do enjoy talking to this guy
and he has not, of course, had coaching,
but he has already, like he sets pacing in some of it,
which has been really cool.
Cause I'm like, oh, I see what you're doing,
you're pacing and you don't even know it.
So, but I also still feel myself being very guarded
because I'm like, we've only known each other
a week and a half.
So how do you balance that?
How do you know when it is time
to start letting your guard down?
How does that look?
Well, we don't have guard.
I know this is gonna sound strange.
You're just operating under boundaries.
Okay.
That's you to me.
Right, so it's just boundaries.
I don't want you to feel walled up.
You can still be yourself,
but you be yourself in a paced way, right?
And so it's just two weeks.
You may talk a lot and sometimes when you talk a lot,
it progresses more quickly in what you say.
And so, so you still at two weeks,
let's not share any deep personal things.
Let's not talk about any emotional heavy things.
Let's not get into a lot of deep spiritual things
where you're reading the Bible together,
you're going to church together, stuff like that.
So, right, this is just the second week.
So you have time.
And by the time you get to the third and the fourth week,
you're gonna naturally start talking about more things.
That's natural.
You're gonna naturally want to know more about each other.
And so if you're talking a lot,
you may wanna slow down how much you're talking
because you're gonna naturally wanna talk about
more deeper level things,
which when you start sharing things
that are closer to your heart,
what's gonna happen is some of your heart
is gonna be going out.
Makes sense.
And right now you're in the getting to know phase
so that you can make a decision later on.
And so find really fun things to talk about
that helps you get to know that person
versus your personal, personal world,
like deep personal things.
But I'm telling you, week three,
you're gonna be talking about things
you didn't talk about at week one.
Week four, you're gonna be talking about things
you weren't talking about at week two.
That's natural and it's normal.
Yeah.
All right.
Oh, go ahead.
And if you did talk about something
that probably wasn't this, it's okay.
It's what it is.
You're older, like there's so many different factors in it.
It's not the end of, you know.
Yeah.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
Last is when do you determine
if you actually have a connection versus the intensity?
How do you determine that?
You're just a week and a half in, it's probably intensity.
So how do you determine?
You can't determine this early
because it's still very early.
They're still exciting.
You still wanna know things about them.
You just, you wanna talk to them.
You wanna spend time with them.
And so all of that is like nature doing its work,
boy meets girl.
It's something pulling you to that person,
like pulling you.
You wanna be around them.
You wanna talk to them.
And so now's not the time to determine about a connection.
You do feel a connection,
but that connection could be solely intensity.
But if you give it four weeks, you give it eight weeks,
you give it, you know, you go into two months,
you'll be able to start defining things.
And that's why it's so important
to just have a lot of fun right now.
Enjoy the intensity.
Don't let the intensity dictate to you.
So recognize this is intense.
This is fun.
These are my boundaries.
Okay.
That makes sense.
Thank you.
Yeah, feel the feels.
Don't let the feelings make decisions.
Gotcha.
Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. Thank you. You're welcome. All right, ladies, it has been a
wonderful night. I hope you ladies sleep well on tonight and post, post, post and we look
forward to seeing you all soon. Good night. Thank you, Ebony. You're welcome.