All right, ladies, welcome to Ladies Only.
For those of you that are joining us for the first time in phase three,
we do this once a month.
This is a place where we can talk about all kinds of stuff
that we wouldn't normally talk about necessarily in a co-ed setting.
But today's a little different because I have a special surprise for you.
As you can see, there is a man here.
The one and only David Dorman is here tonight.
And so what we're going to do for Ladies Only Night tonight
is David and I are going to switch.
He's going to be here so you can do what I call ask a dude, ask a man.
Anything that you might want to ask him about men,
about marriage-minded men, about anything in general,
except for like, you know, me.
You can ask him, no, I'm just kidding.
You could ask him about me too.
But we're going to do that tonight.
So David is here to, you know, answer all your questions.
No holds barred.
Anything, you know, he might not have the answer,
but he does coach men and he has done, you know,
almost 30 years of ministry.
So he has a lot to say about men, about where men are.
So this is going to be a Q and A tonight,
a grab bag, if you will, of ask a guy.
So David is here to do that.
And I'm going to head over to the guys and let them ask me stuff.
So let me make sure, David.
I reclaim the host. Can you hear me?
Yep. Awesome.
All right.
All right, guys.
See you soon.
Hello, ladies.
How are you?
Good, good, good.
I'm trying to just get my bearings here.
Maybe get my chat up.
What is going on?
A couple of you are unmuted.
So just make sure you're muted there unless, well, I mean,
those of you that are going to start lining up
to ask questions, you can unmute when you do that.
So just make sure that you got that
have a good,
clean
recording tonight.
Let me go ahead and hit record on this.
Pause recording, stop recording.
So it's already being recorded.
Nice.
Somebody is on the job.
All right.
So here we are tonight, ladies.
This is, as Jackie said, going to be a Q and A tonight.
So get your hands up ready.
We'll take hands.
We'll just kind of go through, take hands.
Questions.
Make sure that you have a question.
That would be helpful at first to actually have a question
rather than just, hey, I've got something to share,
which, you know, we take shares on Friday, Faith Friday.
I do that.
Some of you that are regularly on Faith Friday,
you kind of used to me doing that.
And so, but tonight is about questions
and Jackie put it like, ask a dude.
Okay.
So ask a dude.
I guess I'm a dude tonight.
I don't really refer myself too much as a dude,
but I will for tonight if that's what it takes.
So I'm willing to go there.
So I've got three hands up.
And if you're afraid for whatever reason,
intimidated and you don't like to ask questions
in front of the group, it'd be helpful if you did,
but if you have to put it in the chat, that's fine.
Let me just look to see the chat here.
Yeah.
So you guys are going to be hard.
You guys are going to be hard.
I can tell already.
You guys are going to come up with really hard questions.
It's not going to be who's got a softball question first.
I didn't let, let me just warm myself up.
All right, Diane, I'm going to trust you
that you have a softball question.
Go ahead, Diane, unmute yourself,
get your question out there.
Okay, so just recently got on the dating apps.
I'm wondering how much of my faith
and what I am looking for in a spirit mate
should I put out there?
Yeah, I mean, that's a good question.
Again, I'm going to tell you,
I reserve the right to say, I don't know,
but I will also tell you what I think,
and then that's just what I think.
It's not necessarily the right answer.
I'm just telling you, this is just what I think.
I think it's an important variable,
an important value to lead with it.
I'll just put it this way.
Not whether it's right or wrong,
I'll just put it this way.
It is definitely a differentiator.
So it's definitely like, if you lead with that,
men know exactly.
where you stand. So if that's what you want to put out there and just cut to
the chase for that reason, that's not a bad reason.
However, that's also not everything who you are. I mean, yes, you are a daughter
of God, you're a child of God, and that is first and foremost in your life, but that
also doesn't give you an opportunity to make sure that, you know, someone is able
to connect with you. Because maybe guys, you know, I was in the church
world. We were definitely in the religion environment very strongly when Jackie
and I met. And it wasn't that I wasn't looking for a godly woman. Matter of fact,
my prayer in the moment when I just had moved into that place where I
moved in as a single dad, and I moved out of this house that I thought I was
gonna live in the rest of my life, and I moved into this place that happened to
be next door to Jackie, who I didn't know at the moment, and I didn't
know when I moved in. I had just been saying to myself, and it really wasn't a
prayer. It was a prayer, technically, but I wasn't trying to pray. I wasn't, like,
trying to seek God. I wasn't trying to, like, oh Lord, if you be thy will. I wasn't
doing any of that. It was just more of a, you know, Lord, I don't want to be single
the rest of my life, but at the same time, whoever I meet, it can't just be anyone.
It has to, I know, I mean, I've got kids. At the time, I was still working in
ministry. I have a ministry career. It's kind of the only career that I knew
of at the time, that I saw myself in. I was like, I have a lot at stake here. I
can't just meet anybody, and so I kind of just left it at that. I didn't try to
say, you know, I want to meet a woman, and she's got to be like this, and I'm
looking for this, and I didn't put a list of things out there for the
Lord or for myself or anything. I just trusted that God would bring the right
person, and that I had community and people around me that would be able to
help me navigate through, and I did have a wingman at the time, Wilson, if you've
ever heard that story. He was a pretty good dude in my life at the moment, still
a good friend of mine. We just saw him a couple months ago, and you know, he was
just kind of, he was that dude that was there for me, that kind of gave me a
little bit of swagger, a little bit of game to my, like, never having been in the
dating pool ever, because I, like, came out of the womb, married, basically, and I
married the girl I met in junior high school, I mean, for crying out loud, and I
broke up with her when I went off to college, and she still had her senior
senior year left. I broke up with her. Why? Because I'm a stupid kid. I don't
know what I'm doing. I'm like, hey, I'm gonna go to college, and you never know
who I'll meet. I'm just gonna break up with you. Hey, see you later, and that was
like, I broke her heart, the whole thing. It was terrible. It was the worst thing I
could have done, and anyway, that's what happened. So I say all that to say that,
you know, I wasn't necessarily looking for, like, oh, and, like, super, like, she's
gotta be a Christian. Like, I wasn't focused on that. I wasn't so intent on
that. I just wanted to meet somebody, but I, to put it like that, I just put it
before the Lord. I said, you know, Lord, but it's, it's gotta be, you know, it's
gotta be the right person. I mean, I got kids, and she's gotta love kids, and
she's gotta want to, like, integrate, and it wasn't detailed at all, and that was
it, and then, um, when I met Jackie, and, like, the yelling, and the yard, and the
whole thing, and then she came over later, like, my perspective on that was, first of
all, and I think you kind of know this, I had no idea, first of all, I was getting
yelled at. I had completely zero idea that I was getting yelled at, if you know
this story, and the thing about it was, is, um, you know, so I was clueless, and I,
this kind of, like, my general thing is, like, men, good men especially, they're
generally clueless, and I don't say that disparagingly. I just say that, like, hey,
bro, I mean, like, seriously, give us, give us some insight here. Give us, give us
some indication. Usually, a good man, I think, for the most part, if they're, if
they're given a little bit of clue, like, you know, like, hey, I kind of like you,
you know, like, from the, from the woman's perspective, I kind of like you, kind of,
like, I would give you a chance. Like, that's huge for a guy, especially if the
reciprocation is true. If, like, he sees you as, like, wow, like, so when Jackie
came to apologize to me at my doorstep, like, the next day or
whatever it was, finally when that happened,
all I could think about was,
who is this beautiful woman standing in front of me,
even just talking to me, like giving me the time of day.
Like I was just, I could not,
I didn't know what she was saying,
I didn't know she was apologizing,
I didn't know what was this for.
All I knew is that there's just,
there's a beautiful woman that lived next door
and she was coming over to talk to me.
And I'm like, wow, that's all I knew.
So good men are kind of like that, I think,
to a degree.
Now, if a guy's like a good guy and he's got some game,
maybe there's a little bit more to it,
but I mean, men are pretty simple.
So you have to decide,
is that gotta be the hard differentiator coming out?
Like, look, I just want you to know,
I'm a Jesus girl, I'm a Christian,
so don't even talk to me.
I mean, like, I don't know,
you may be missing out on somebody
that wants to go a little bit like,
I don't wanna approach it from that angle,
but at the same time,
maybe that's what you wanna do.
You're like, look, I don't got time to waste.
I'm not doing any, no, I'm just gonna put it out there.
I don't know if that helps you or not,
but that's just what that does.
It's just so you know.
In this day and age, that's like, look,
that's a clear like, hey,
it could be kind of a stiff arm,
just so you know.
All right, who's next?
Susan?
Hello, Dave.
Hey, lady, go easy on me, go easy on me.
Yeah, I love what you said.
Okay, so that kind of segues into what I was gonna be,
what I wanted to ask,
because generally, I hear this,
I've experienced this a lot.
I'm not very approachable.
However, okay, so I went to this singles meet and greet,
and it was designed for singles,
so you were there for,
everybody was there for the same reason,
to meet and greet.
And so being my outgoing gregarious self,
I just definitely went up and I introduced myself
to just about every man that was there,
engaging in conversation.
Also, I'm very sensitive to feedback,
and I do know that men are not interested,
if they're not interested in you,
they are not interested in you.
I mean, and so my question is,
when you're out in the wild,
and you wanna talk to a, meet a man,
which doesn't happen for me really ever,
anyway, but I'm just gonna ask,
just in the anticipation that sometime in my life,
I will approach a man willy nilly,
is it best to be just direct?
Or is it too forward?
Because men, if they're interested,
they'll approach you.
Is that true?
Or do they need help?
Well, I think the biggest thing,
and this is, we've been putting the final touches
on the Modern Dating Sucks book.
And the Modern Dating Sucks book,
if you all have read Jackie's books,
and liked them before,
you're gonna like this one for sure.
And it gives, but it gives a lot of practice.
This book is full of just practical stuff.
And it's not just like,
it's just not, it's not like anecdotal advice,
like in this situation, do this,
in that situation, do this.
It's sort of pillars and principles
that give you sort of this navigation
to be able to sort of like navigate all situations.
And I think one of the biggest things
in that scenario is like the marriage mindedness.
That's one of the, it's one of the things
that is required for the relationship to go.
Because if you're marriage minded,
and the guy is marriage minded,
then the direct is probably pretty good.
Because it's kind of like, hey, I'm into you,
you're into me, let's talk.
And this is like, let's go.
You know, let's, there's no point in wasting time.
I know what I want, you know what you want.
It's when the other person or you or both
don't know what you want.
That I think that's probably what it comes down to.
So like you, and you obviously you don't know that
when you don't know this person.
So you have to give it a second to get to know,
hey, is this person within the first couple conversations,
you should be kind of able to determine,
discern whether this person's marriage minded.
And there's some clues in that.
And I'm not gonna go into like, what the book talks about.
But you know, there's some clues about that,
that you can pick up about whether
they're marriage minded or not.
And that's probably one of the best indicators.
Now, they could be marriage minded.
Minded and then be off on all the other things that kind of
Compatibility and different things that like this is not a match even though your marriage minded
That's great. But this is not a match. And again, it's one of those things. You don't know until you get into
Know this person so you do have to give it a minute to know this person, but um, I don't think direct is wrong
especially if it's like
You know, you happen to be meeting somebody who is like ready to have that conversation
but
What would be the best?
Well, I think or a guy I think if you don't know, I think like if you're interested
The the being flirty is is very helpful guys
like I don't I mean if somebody's flirting and
There's obviously different ways to flirt. There's different like there's there's too much and there's like
Sometimes just enough is is okay. So what's good? What's good flirting?
From a man's perspective. Well, I don't think I don't think men like it when women come on too hard
Yes, I don't think that's I don't think I don't think a man is like unless he's just
You know looking for something that's not good and not right other than that, which is what not what we're talking about
I don't think men generally like a woman to come on too hard, but definitely
You know like one obvious like flirt it's like oh
Like oh this this woman's kind of interested in me like again
I'll go back to the doorstep like Jackie was talking to me at the time. I couldn't get past
There's a beautiful woman standing here like actually discuss talking with me
Like that was just like wait, like I'm I'm 15 years old at this point
Like I'm not but I was 32 or whatever it was but I went back to being 14 or 15 or whatever like oh my god
There's a beautiful woman talking to me. I can't believe like I just didn't I couldn't get past that so I couldn't see
That
Even her standing there was a little bit of her finding out like who's this guy?
Like maybe I I'm interested in I'm gonna talk to him, whatever
She wasn't I mean she was there to apologize
But she wasn't there just to apologize. You know what I mean? Yeah
So there was a little bit of that but it took me a minute a couple conversations a friend a couple of friendly neighborhood
conversations to figure out oh
this woman actually might be kind of
interested or kind of at least giving me an opportunity to get to know her like this is not usual and
Usually it's kind of like one of those things. It's like usually pretty girls
Don't talk to like like you'll give you the time of day, you know and
You know, so it's just like what's up with that?
so if you're like in your flow and you want to you know
Drop the hanky a little bit flirt whatever but not too much. I think this is pretty good indication, but he may not get it at
first
Put it that way
That's just so funny to me not too vague of an answer
But you know what I'm saying, right? Yeah, okay. Yeah
All right, Jane hi Jane I
Is actually Janie two-syllable, okay. I'm sorry. That's okay
That's okay. So my topic is a little bit sensitive to me at least
so I haven't seen it addressed anywhere in this group or
Many other groups that I'm in so it's in regards to interracial dating and dating outside your culture
Yeah, so my question is
How do you ask a person without being too sensitive?
Well, how do you put it in maybe the profile because I'm doing it. I'm doing online dating, right?
And so I've had african-american men. Tell me they only date Caucasians or the opposite
If I see a nice-looking Caucasian man, he's like I don't date african-american women, right?
So I found myself now. I'm living in Arizona and and I'm quite naturally
Almost always the only african-american in the room
Events I go to and I'm like, this is gonna be understand. Yeah, this is gonna be interesting. So
And it's uncomfortable for me to be quite honest with you. And so
How do you address that or do you guys talk about that in your book or in the
Events that you have with your guys. I
Mean it that particular issue as far as
Race does not come up a lot
But we do address it and we do talk about it. And I think my opinion is this like
This
Like, for instance, it's kind of,
we kind of do joke about this,
because in the church that I was in at the moment
when I met Jackie, it was a very, very blended church,
like very well blended.
I mean, the style of kind of like ministry and worship
and all of that was very demonstrative,
very culturally, we were friends with a lot of,
like all black churches,
but our church wasn't necessarily an all black church,
but it just stylistically we attracted.
And so I don't know, it was probably 50-50.
I really don't know.
And I was for sure, it's kind of funny
because I tell Jackie, I said there's,
I said, you know, I don't know what would have happened
had I not met you.
I said, I'm pretty sure I probably would have been married
to a black woman, you know, like, had you not come along,
you know, because it was just one of those things,
like it was, it could have been an inevitability.
It could have gone 50-50.
And, but it wasn't about like whether this person
is of a different race.
I think probably culturally,
it's probably more of a differentiator
in terms of just what's culturally,
what the culture is like.
And, but I don't think that I personally
could have never been attracted to somebody
of the opposite or not opposite or of a different race
than me on just that alone.
It probably would have been more of a cultural difference
that it would have been like not compatibility or whatever.
So the reason I say that is because I just don't think,
I think it's very shallow and narrow-minded
to basically say something like,
I don't date people that are of this race.
That's just kind of strange to me.
And it borders on like,
I don't think the right thought process.
Now you might wanna say like,
there's a certain mindset or culture
or like certain type of person that I don't,
that's not appealing to me
and that may draw along those lines.
And I guess that's your preference.
But at the same time to say that I don't date people
from a particular race,
I just think that's kind of limiting.
I think it's narrow.
I don't think, I mean, I guess if I were to journey
with that person, I would sort of understand
where they're coming from a little more.
I guess that's valid,
but still it just seems like such a write-off
that's like, I don't understand why you would do that.
I don't know if that helps your question or not.
Yeah.
Because I think that things that establish
and really are meaningful in a relationship
that's gonna succeed in marriage
have way much more to do with your personality,
where you are in your marriage-minded readiness,
where you are, like where you're headed in life.
Like all the things that we talk,
we talk about those kind of core value things
in this group versus do you culturally align?
And of course, I know people who are married
that are considered interracial marriages
that it was a wake-up call to them,
but they're loving it.
Because it is different culturally.
And it can be very entertaining in that way
to watch a couple like just grow
because they're so culturally different
and yet they're coming out so different in the end
and it's a beautiful relationship.
It works.
I have also seen where those cultures collide
and it creates a problem because sometimes
it doesn't create a problem for the couple,
but sometimes it creates a problem for the families
and the friends around them, which is sad.
I think that's poor.
It's like, why wouldn't you embrace somebody
that is a good person, that loves the person that you love,
that's your friend or that's your family member
and you wouldn't support that relationship
just because they're not of the same race.
That just doesn't make any sense to me.
So that's kind of like the way we put it.
That help?
Yeah, that helps.
That helps.
I mean, I guess it's just me.
You in Arizona, that's a real thing.
I get it.
That would be challenging.
Yeah.
Just demographics at that moment.
It's not that I wouldn't date outside my race,
it's just that I never have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
It's just something at this age I thought I never
would have to navigate, but here we are.
Yeah, I get it.
Don't write it off, you never know.
Yeah, well, thank you, appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Helen.
Hi.
Pastor David and everybody.
Hi.
My question is, is early level two, OK,
is it OK to ask a man with all three
M's how long it would take to be financially stable enough
to support a home?
And is early level two too early to ask that?
At what point did you say?
Is it OK to ask at what point?
At an early level two, or maybe at any level,
is it OK to ask, hey, when do you
think you would be in a position to be financially
stable and independent enough to support a family?
I think, this is my opinion, Jackie probably
might say it differently, I'm not really sure.
She probably would agree with me.
I think if you're going to have a direct answer to that,
to me, a stage one or stage two, level one, level two
relationship, where you are level one being you just
know who this person is, or you know they exist,
and you might know their name, and you
might have some context in which you know this person,
like you work with them, you go to the gym, whatever.
So they're in your orbit.
Level two, meaning that you're intentionally going on a date,
or you're intentionally trying to talk to this person,
all the way up until the moment at which the relationship might
become exclusive, where you say, OK, I'm exclusively
going to date you, you date me.
That's level three.
That's where exclusivity comes in.
And then during exclusivity is where
you find some of the moments where
you're talking more seriously about,
where is this going, all that whole journey.
And that's a journey.
It's not a moment.
It's not a one thing.
It is a part of the process.
And then, of course, level four, engagement.
I think the conversation for real financial conversation
comes at the end of level three into level four, for sure.
Absolutely.
The reason you have level three and level four
before level five, level five being marriage,
is there are still moments where things can be, unfortunately,
called off for the right reasons.
And that might be one of those right reasons,
where financially we just couldn't get there,
because this is not going to work for whatever reason.
I think those should be extreme situations.
I think there should be situations where you're like,
I'm seeing this.
When you're in level one, level two, that's just observation.
And to me, I don't say this because my wife
is Jackie Dorman.
I say this before I even met Jackie,
even knew who Jackie was.
It is unacceptable to go on a date.
I would never go on a date and not pay.
I would fight you for the paycheck.
If you had some sort of reason, like you had to pay,
and whatever, equal, and all that, I'm like, cool, whatever.
But you'd have to fight me for it.
I mean, I just wouldn't, or I would pay before.
I just wouldn't.
I just, I don't know.
Maybe it's the way I was raised, whatever.
I just would never even.
Listen, maybe this is me again.
I do not care if it was the last $35 in my pocket.
I'm not cheap.
I just am not that way.
I don't care if it was the last dime I had.
I would spend it to be just like, I'm not going to be a bum.
And I'm not going to look like a bum
and not pay when I only have $5 in my pocket.
I'll find a way to pay.
But you're not leaving.
You know what I'm saying?
That kind of manning up to me is, I think, valid.
It's good.
It's honorable.
I don't think, you know?
So I think in stage one, stage two,
it's about observing the behavior.
Like, what does he do?
You can observe a lot of that in terms
of his financial preparedness, paying attention.
I noticed that when this came up,
he bulked at it because he's like, oh, that's
like really expensive.
And I'm not saying that that's bad.
It just depends on what it is he's talking about.
Yeah.
He pays for everything.
The price of a vehicle or the price of dinner, like those are two different things.
Yeah.
He pays for every meal.
He says it's old-fashioned.
His income level isn't the best.
You are in a stage two?
Early level two, I would call it.
Early level two and you know how much he makes?
I know the industry.
Oh, okay.
Enough to know that, but I know he's 53 and bought his first house at 24, so I know he
has the ability to be independent.
Yeah.
That's another indicator.
It's like, look, I've known many men and people for that matter.
I mean, just the world is full of them.
I was one of them.
Listen, I was driving a 94 Buick rusted out Buick Century when I met Jackie.
I'd just gone through bankruptcy.
A year and a half before I met her, both of my cars were repossessed in the same day.
I just foreclosed on my house that I moved out of.
That's why I moved into the townhouse that I moved into because I was trying to live
in the big house that I was living in where two paychecks would pay for it.
Then when the one paycheck wasn't there, everything went to hell in a handbasket and it was just
like done.
I literally lived in that house for as long as I could before the sheriff was going to
knock on the door and say, get out.
That's why I moved.
So I wasn't in the best financial situation at all.
You are also 32.
32.
Correct.
But I could have been 40 or I could have been 45.
I mean, these things happen all the time and I know it's sad because one of my first jobs
I ever had was my first nine to five job.
I was 20 something years old.
I was just newly married myself and there was a guy that worked at the place that I
worked at and this kind of was kind of a place where it was a nine to five job, but it wasn't
like the ideal nine to five job.
Like it was a call center and it just wasn't like, it just wasn't, it was like entry level
made like a little bit better than entry level maybe.
But it was nine to five during the day, full time, 40 hours a week.
And this guy that worked there, you know, he said to me one time, he goes, yeah, cause
I was, it wasn't like I asked him like, why do you work here?
But it was just one of those things and you could tell he was insecure about it and he
was in his forties.
He goes, well, this is just what you have when you got to start over.
You're 40 years old and you get divorced and blah, blah, blah, and all this stuff.
And I just thought that was the saddest thing.
I was just, I felt for the guy.
But I had no idea that I would be that guy in 12 years or 15 or whatever it was, you
know, and I was that guy.
But I always remembered him saying that I was like, man, I never want to be that guy.
Ten years later, I was that guy, but I didn't stay in that mindset.
You know, for the rest, I just, I, I, everything I could do to try to rise to the moment, rise
to the moment continually until, you know, we are able to do better and better and better.
And it was hard.
So the measure of a man may not be his paycheck, but it also may be, if he lets it, could identify
him in a way.
So if he doesn't let it, it doesn't mean that's the measure of who he is.
Okay, Paula, go ahead.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you, Helen.
Hi.
I hope there's a lot more men like you out there that I haven't found yet.
I hope there are.
I know there is.
I really do.
I know there is.
Yeah.
Well, my situation is probably a little different.
I'm doing the online dating stuff, but I don't seem to get past the initial just chatting
in the chat.
I'm not a real good small talk person.
I try to ask questions, but I just feel like I'm kind of like drawing from an empty well.
You know what I'm trying to say?
Yeah.
I don't get a lot of feedback.
And it's like, and then I don't know.
And then it's like, well, I don't know what to say.
I don't.
I swear.
And then I kind of stumble and then I kind of like, oh, maybe.
I don't know.
You know, like I said, you know, I haven't done this forever.
Yes.
But the men I do know, like at church or whatever, seem to find me intimidating for some reason.
And I maybe I find you intimidating.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
Maybe I take that a little too personal and maybe I'm a little too afraid I'll be intimidating
towards them.
I don't know.
Okay.
Here's my, here's my feedback.
All right.
Feedback on that.
That's what I'm asking.
Is is that I you know, what quite honestly, I'll be honest with you. I can see why men could see you
as
Being intimidating, but I know you I know you differently. I know you I know you're from Faith Friday
I know you're a very deep spiritual
Well, I know I know how you and so you there's an intensity about you, but that's good thing
That's a powerful like like anointed
Heavenly prayerful thing like I get that I like to think of it as a tiger by the tail, but you know, yeah
Yeah, however, however, you want to but here's the thing
That trait doesn't come into play in the relationship until later
Right. So at the front end of the conversation
It has to be a little bit more playful a little bit more
Fun relational and so what you can do I this is no joke
You'll just have to practice
And here's
This may sound funny. This may sound weird
but I'm telling you what I am on the AI train and I am on it and like like it's
It's crazy. It's such a great resource
you literally could
just chat with AI as if like hey, I
Am who I am. I am this age. This is where I live. This is kind of what I am
Yeah, I need to have an engaging chat with a man
Who's like this like my age and blah blah blah and all these things like the men you'd think that you would
Like to meet or you would be meeting. Okay, let's really just have going a date with AI
now
Well, here's the thing it will give you that I like you say now
Now I said that wrong
Do you think that's engaging or whatever and it says and it will be honest with you and tell it be honest with me
Does this sound like whatever? Does this sound like I'm intimidating to sound fun?
Does this and it will kind of give you some ideas?
Okay, and you can say how could I say that funnier? How could I say that better? Oh, wow
Hey, I will come up with some crazy. Whatever thing you don't got to take its word for it
You just gotta let it inspire some creativity inspire some ideas, you know, I'm saying, yeah
Not to me it to me a chat and chatting something in a chat is different than you and I talking
No, no, no, of course, of course, you know
You're saying though you can't get past the chatting stage
Well, yeah, they don't you know, it's they don't want to it doesn't seem to engage and I never know kind of what to say
Okay, so they're not engaging either yeah, they're not giving me a lot of feedback either so I can't even be intimidating towards him
Come on. Well, no, but the other thing is this is that is the AI exercise?
It makes a good idea ideas of like, you know
Questions to ask that are interesting that you know that give you the op like hey, I got to get these guys engaged
Give me ten questions that I can engage these guys with and don't be corny like you got to tell it
Don't be stupid. Don't be petty. Don't be corny
Give me some real good like think about it for a second AI do your job
You know
That's I don't know that's it's just a suggestion you might try
Suggestion, you know, I know AI is can be a really good tool if you you know, if you let it it can be you
Know it's again. It's not the end-all. I wouldn't take its advice
100% right, but I would let it like just I would let it trigger your thinking go. Oh, you know what?
I never thought about that way. I don't like what it said, but I kind of it made me think a different way
Okay, so that's gonna help you sort of just like open that up
No, but I now I'm kind of worried when you even talked to like, you know
I'm a little intimidating and like I don't try to come off that way. I don't know. Of course you don't of course you don't
But you'll have to be aware of it to go like hey
I need to say something funny and then I'm gonna like tease this guy a little bit and then he's gonna laugh and then something's
Gonna like we're gonna like oh, that was hilarious
I do have the shock factor though David when I do say something to you know, tease them. They're pretty sure
Okay. Okay. I you know, I I believe that I can get by with that pretty well. I believe that
All right. I'll go. Thank you so much
Shot give it a shot. See what happens. All right. Thank you
Okay, is it pretty how do I say your name you said it well, oh good pretty good
I'm calling from Canada. Okay, so I have two quick questions for you
Actually, one is that when I'm trying to look at profiles online I get
Men in their 40s who say that either they
don't want to have kids or they say that like my kids are my whole world or my
kids are all my priority so as someone who's never been married and doesn't
have kids like I I get kind of lost on how to navigate that like what is that
like like you know what's a good way to approach it and my second question is
because online dating hasn't really been my friend so far I'm also trying to like
meet people more organically and so like I'm I'm pretty extroverted and it's it's
not hard for me to make friends however I'm trying to like as someone who met
your wife as a neighbor and as a friend I just wanted to kind of just like have
some clarity on how do you know like if if that's that's the direction you could
move like if there if there any signals that you gave or you received if you
could elaborate a little bit more on that like signals that I gave that I was
interested in her or just willing to yes because when I I have asked this
question to chat GPT whether like that question or that remark was like
friendship or does it like it does it mean more and honestly like I've got
responses both ways so it is like it has been hard for me to distinguish and I
feel like maybe like in the past people did give me some signs and I didn't like
I didn't read them properly so I just want to make sure that I'm a little bit
more intentional and alert going forward yeah okay so couple things couple things
there yeah you know that the the child question that it's that that could be
difficult to navigate in the regard of your when you say you're meeting men or
talking to her connecting with men in their 40s is that because you're in your
40s yeah I mean the the app will match me mostly with people in 40s or 50s
yes I'm in my early 40s okay okay I guess that but so that's why I'm
clarifying just I just want to make sure yeah so I mean obviously that can be a
non-negotiable the children the whole children equation whether they have
children don't have children you do don't never had you know all that kind
of willing to have more all that kind of stuff the whole children thing can be a
non-negotiable depending on who you are what you want and then of course who the
other person is what they want so obviously that can be a non-negotiable
in terms of like what is your feeling about having children or children that
exist and so on so on so there's nothing you can really do about that because you
can't just make somebody want to have children when they don't etc etc etc
right but at the same time if that is an obstacle up front you know it the
question of whether that has to be an obstacle going forward is something that
you don't know until you have a date or have it a conversation you know at some
point down the road or whatever so sometimes those things do change because
sometimes a person will see another perspective they never saw before so on
and so on so again that's just one of those things that either becomes a
non-negotiable or something that changes over time with regard to a comment I
remember there was a moment and I'm trying to think I think it was about two
and a half to three months in knowing into knowing Jackie we met in April 19
years ago this month we met for the first time I don't know what date it was
it might have been earlier in April and 19 years ago and then long about May or
June maybe even into July I don't know there was that there was a day and it
was just one of those moments where I was out in the yard I was doing something I
think my dad had come to visit me and stay a couple days with me and so he was
around and he met her we were not dating we were not in a relationship or
anything but you could tell there was just sort of that like feeling of like
you know is this person into I don't know I couldn't tell any any further
whether she was
She would be interested in having that kind of a conversation or even going there like in the conference like is once you breached
Hey, I like you. I don't like you. Whatever. That's like that's a whole nother
I'm not her neighbor just her neighbor anymore, and she's not just my neighbor anymore
It's like oh now we're like we like each other or I he likes me, but I don't like him and I didn't know any of
that and
Somehow
Something about like
Going forward in life or not necessarily being married again
But anyway, I made the comment as she was walking away out of the yard and again
This is three months in and I said, you know
if I were looking to
Have a relationship or something like that. I didn't I don't think I said get married again. I said I wouldn't have to look far
and
And I meant
that in the way that you think I meant I meant like I wouldn't like like, you know, like I just kind of lay that
out there and
I didn't know it until
Years later that that comment and I placed that comment on purpose for that reason
But I didn't know she picked it up at that moment. That was the first moment. She says that she realized oh
I think this guy likes me. I think he's into me
Now mind you I was probably into her. That's first day. I saw her, you know, but I didn't tell her that
I didn't really know how to tell her that it didn't how to indicate it again. I'm 14. I'm standing on the front
There's a beautiful a stand in front of me. Give me the time of day
so I'm just like what is going on in my life and
So it took me a while to kind of come to that sort of like line that that's pretty good line I think
but
you know that was
kind of like
just came to me in the moment and I could I kind of felt like I needed to say something at some point in the
next whenever
because I
Wanted to let her know in
A casual way without being too vulnerable getting rejected and being like you're an idiot like get away all that
I had to let her know that I was interested and that was kind of my way of doing that
She took that as a signal. She's very intuitive. Obviously that way I
Didn't know her profound giftings in this area at that time
so I didn't know that was even good enough for her like but she's a woman like women know all these things and
So then it became more like it became more and more like that
I think that we took the walk after that day a week later, whatever it was
So that was very helpful
But I think I think it could be obvious. I don't know if I'm answering your question or not
That's just what happened to me
Okay
Yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to get some insights so that I don't like miss signals because I think probably
It's possible that I I did in the past. So I just want to be more intentional about it. I
Don't know like I don't
Maybe I'm different kind of guy
But I you know
First of all, I'm a very loyal individual second of all
At loyal to a fault and second of all
I was brought up with a certain value system that just like that was just ingrained in me. And so and it's not
Perfect by any stretch of the imagination not trust me
I could go on and on and on and on about all of the imperfections of me in my life and
But at the same time
I don't understand these guys that are like don't know what they want. I
Just I don't get it. It's like what either you want to be married or you don't want to be married like just just say it
Instead of just like well, you know, I'd be like no not well, it'd be nice
It's you know, sometimes I meet the right person. That's a bunch of crap
That is such bull, you know what it's just like bro, what are you doing? I
Asked the guys on our Monday night calls all the time. I like guys
Love you. God bless you. I love Jesus. I love your heart and everything. But what are you doing?
I get is this your priority or not?
and
the and the whole like
you know wanting to like
Creep around and like maybe just be on dating apps to hook up and like just kind of see what happens. No, it's like
That's just I don't know. That's that's not
I'm not even gonna say it's wrong. It is wrong. I'm not gonna criticize it for being wrong. I'm criticizing it for being bad
dumb and stupid i'm criticizing it for being just like how
much of a non-person do you want to be seriously
and i and i just it just kind of irritates me that men you know are are sort of just letting
their lives happen to them instead of them being more intentional about anything in their life
you know and trust me i i get being in a mindset and a mind frame of like being depressed
i went through a period of depression for probably about 10 12 maybe 15 years
while i was married to jackie there was a lot of like non-purpose in me
maybe 10 years because i was wrapped that that that's another part of the equation that we don't
talk about a lot my identity was who i was in ministry and when that was no more for me
i didn't know who i was and it took me a long time to figure that out
like who am i what am i what am i like what am i doing
like and god was so gracious though that i didn't lose everything again
you know after having lost it the first time and part of our story i don't know if you know this or
not but like you know my wife like on paper the story written down on paper is kind of like my
wife left me and i was in ministry and how could you know then then you can like well oh my gosh
you're such a good you're you know faster and you're doing all this good work and your your
wife left you and all this kind of stuff and it's like a very sad story and it's a very sad story
and that's true on paper but the reality is is that somehow i failed my marriage it didn't matter
what position i held or what kind of guy i looked like on the outside somehow my
wife my first wife i we were missing it
and even though she was the one that called it out and then was the bad person
and basically got excommunicated and left and didn't want anything to do with that blah blah
blah blah blah as the story might go like written down recorded
on facts alone doesn't record the intricate nuances of relationship that i was failing miserably at
and then at the same time
lost my identity i'm married again and here i am kind of doing the same thing again like god forbid
i lose this again so i had to come to myself so i haven't always been like but i can rise to
any moment arise to a challenge in any time i can rise to it but sometimes in the day-to-day
i can rise to it but sometimes in the day-to-day consistency man it i fight life just like you all
i fight the dread that the whatever that i don't want to that like i want to go off and
do whatever you know i can i can medicate with the best of them trust me just like everybody can
and so uh it's it's it's a struggle but i want men to to be in the struggle not just
abdicate the struggle because they don't want to that's that's bullshit if i can be clear that's
just not right i need we need men to we need men to be men and so it's just a shame that
there's so many wonderful godly ladies and wonderful godly men out there that aren't in
um a relationship that is legacy and building and and i'm not shaming anybody promise you
listen to me i'm not shaming anybody i know how hard it is i know how difficult it is
and you know i know levels of readiness but it's just it's this this why we do the work we do
because we want to help men and women come into their best
moments their best decisions their best preparation for what could be that's why we do what we do
that's why we do what we do so that was a long answer to that i don't know if i can get to all
these
Sorry, guys. Tiffany, go ahead. Okay, kind of to piggyback on what Helen said,
in terms of, I don't want to say readiness, because I feel like I'm meeting men that are
definitely marriage-minded, but they have it in their heads about how things should go,
just like I do. Like, just like I do. That's, you know, it's fine. So what I'm coming up against,
and I've even mentioned this to Jackie, when we're having conversations, phone call, and it's,
let's say, around dinner time, and I say, hey, you know, I'm, you know, having dinner, I'll call you
back. And it's like, oh, okay, well, what did you cook for dinner? Nothing. I don't cook. So it's
like, oh, nothing. I don't cook. What do you mean you don't cook? I'm like, oh, you know, I just,
I don't like to cook, so I don't cook. Well, how do you eat? You know, and it's like, oh, I have
a chef that comes in a couple times a week. He cooks for me. Oh, okay. Well, that's nice. Like,
yeah. Well, don't you think that's a waste of money? No. Well, you must, you don't like to bake?
No. Oh, okay. So, I mean, that's interesting. And I was like, well, yeah, you know, everybody's
different. They have their things. You know, I said, I'm willing, there's some things I'm
willing to pay for, other things I'm not. And basically, it goes down the road of,
I don't do domestic labor. I don't wash clothes. I don't clean. I just don't do stuff like that.
I think people. And I'm finding men, and typically the type of men I date, they're generous.
They're generous financially. They have a really good financial background. But again, I'm trying
to broaden my horizon. And so, but I'm finding out, like, a lot of men equate femininity with
those things of cooking, of cleaning, of those things. I don't equate it with that, but I'm
finding that they do. And they are like, well, you're not feminine enough. You know, I need a
woman that's going to do this. And I was like, I understand. Well, what if, you know, you don't
have the money to pay that? Well, I have the money. So, I pay it. Like, that's, it's just,
you know, even when I was unemployed for almost a year, I paid it because I don't do that anymore.
And so, I'm wondering, truly, how important is a woman being able to cook a meal?
A woman, because I feel like I'm generous in other ways. I just don't do that. So,
I'm just trying to figure out how important, truly, is it for a, you know, woman? And I've
told the guys, like, look, it sounds like you want a wife appliance. I'm telling you, this is what I
offer. If that's not good enough for you, I understand, but I'm not going to change what I
won't do. Like, I love my son, but I don't wash your clothes. So, why would I wash your clothes
when I don't wash my kids' clothes? And so, I'm just trying to find out how, seriously, how
important is it? Is this something that I need to tweak on some level? Yeah, that's what I want
to find out, how important is it? No, no, no, no. I mean, like, look,
I'm begging my wife to, like, not do those things. Like, sometimes, I'm like, look, babe,
if you don't, like, get this taken care of another way, like, this is going to kill you and me and
everybody in between. Like, stop it. Like, literally. And I, trust me, I carry my load of
the chores as well. So, we both do. But at the same time, like, why are we doing this? Like,
like, we would be so much more available in the rest of all the other stuff we could do
with our lives if we had to do this. And I understand everybody doesn't have it that way
and or everybody doesn't value that way. Some people love to do that. Like, that is their
service, their personality. That's what they're geared to do. They love it. They love to homemake.
I mean, for you, do you. And if you have, like, the answer to your question is this,
the right to the right man, that is not a problem. Okay. That's what I always would say. I'm like,
well, this is just not your person. Like, because I feel like I grew up in a household. I'm the
youngest of 14. My mother was like, look, you know, I grew up with help because my mother had
so many kids, my mother and father. And so, my mother would say, you know, it's, I don't want
to exhaust myself. I won't exhaust myself for a husband or the children that I love.
I want to be relaxed. So, therefore, I pay, you know, your dad, he pays for help. And I just want
men to be okay with that. Like, you know, maybe it'll change, but let's be okay. Do you.
I mean, with anything, with anything like that's like in our culture, in our world today, I mean,
that's obviously considered like a luxury, you know, to be able to afford that. But here's the
thing. Like if you got it that way, I mean, with anything you can be irresponsible, of course.
Like you can be responsible with a thousand different things that doesn't, that doesn't
indicate, oh, this person doesn't have.
Like whatever they would criticize you for living that way for like that doesn't mean that at all
It just means you are placing your value for your time and your energy into things that you think that are like worth it
Like I don't know what you do for a living
I don't know what you do with your time when you don't do that
but it's like look I am not just trying to like
Make life easier for myself or trying to be some like better than another person
Being I'm just trying to place value where I place value
There's nothing wrong with that and to each his own and somebody where you're placing value like I love my home
I want it to be clean. I want it to be the way I want it to be
I love cooking and making things for other people because it's the way I show my value and love that's
Two different things, but it's the same thing because it's what you value
Every night
Alright, so yeah, I know it's just about placing value
You know, I would love I'm a bougie kind of guy. I would love to have all the things, you know, and
Someday I might you know, who knows?
but
So I have to live my life the way I live my life, but at the same time I get you
Yeah, that's a man I would not have a problem with that at all but like let's go
I'm relaxed, you know, we're married. I'm relaxed
Do you really want to be bothered with me after working all day and cooking and cleaning? You don't want that
I don't want that for you. I want you to see me relaxed and you know and ready to receive you
Well, so I'm people really good at that something and they and they have an efficient way of doing it
It's not like it's not a it's not a chore. That's like a this is just what you do and whatever like that's cool
Thanks, I appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Lydia. Oh, it's 802 and I promised Jackie one hour exactly
Juanita can I can I bump you? I love you girl
You know I do
Okay, Lydia one one last thing here. We got to go
Okay, I'll make it quick so you were taught you were talking about a little while ago about
Man, and the response so I've been on dating apps for several years now
and it just seems like everybody all these men either they always want something and
in
some instances I
I've been taken advantage of
Literally financially whatever. Yeah, and so how do what is my what do you recommend?
my role would be
In that because or either either they want to take advantage of me or they just want to chit-chat
There's like really you say advantage of you. They're asking you for money
Yeah, what?
Yes
No, that's that's a hard. No, I don't care if it's five dollars five hundred dollars fifty cents. It's a hard
No, it's like why are you asking me for money? Like what that's
completely
Inappropriate
Yeah a thousand percent. I don't care for even for what reason that's like I wouldn't I mean if I were hard up and I
Had to ask a stranger for money because I was hungry. That's one thing but like
to ask somebody for money and you don't really even know them like
that's
That's not right
Right. I don't understand that
Yeah, I don't even understand why that's in the equation like I don't understand why that's even a like like oh, hey
Can I borrow some money? No can't borrow some money. I don't even know who you are
So so it's like this situation. Oh, I'm I'm like I have this, you know out of the country contract and no
Everything went wrong on that. Oh
Sorry, bro, that's your problem. That's not my problem. I exactly
Sorry
I'm not even sorry. Actually, that's just your problem. Like I don't know what to tell you
That's that this must be must suck to be you
Because I don't know anything about that
Yeah, so no, that's not your that's not your responsibility at all
Yeah, I would just that's just a hard no, it's just like yeah, okay
Let's end this conversation because I think I'm not gonna talk to somebody else
I don't know that's even worth
talking to somebody
Any length of time if that's where they're gonna take this conversation, you know, I'm saying
Right, right. Yeah
Okay
Well, yeah that but or you said somebody would chat and wait time
Exactly. There's just no commitment. They just want to just chit-chat and go
It's just like this texting back and forth and it's like, you know, I'm done with that
After the first after the first day or so maybe like you're just getting no
You don't know anything about this person and they're just chit-chatting whatever you know, you know, yeah
No, it's got it. It's got a it's got to go somewhere. Otherwise, it's just like, okay
Love you. God bless you. But you know
This there's nothing there's nothing here I don't have time to sit around and chit-chat with you
Yeah, that's a no. That's a hard no as well
Okay. Thank you
All right, god bless you ladies, I love you all you are such incredible ladies
God bless you. I pray life and health and wealth over you. I speak healing for you
I speak that you are just encouraged and lifted up today and
You're such a blessing to us all
Let us know how much more we can serve you and we will see you on the next whatever it is
I don't even know what the calendar says, but we'll see you then. God bless
Bye