All right, welcome ladies. It's so good to have you all here. It's April 21st. This is your one o'clock Eastern
live phase two love story accelerator
live coaching call here
I'm Carla Johnson. I'm one of your coaches here at last year's single. If you don't know me, it's good to meet you
I am a success story. So I've been with Jackie since 2020
when she kind of launched this whole community and
It took me a couple years, but I did meet my husband and we've been married and now
Going on two and a half almost three years
So and then I've been coaching here at last year's single now over two years. So
it's just an honor and a privilege to be able to
pour into you ladies the same way that others were able to pour into me and
just
be able to
you know give you my own testimony and share and kind of help guide you through with what
God is gonna lead you on this journey
So just keep in mind, you know
God has each and every one of you on your very own journey
And so don't don't fall trap into that comparison game like oh, it's not looking this way for me
And so it's not gonna happen or oh it needs to look like this or it's not really God like let go
and fully surrender what that love story looks like because
After you know five years of this movement and you know over 1600
engagements marriages and everything like that everyone has their own unique story and
There is bound to be you know
Someone that has some similarity or something
And so I don't want you to fall trap and thinking well
Carla said it needs to look this way or
Ebony said it needs to look this way or Jackie said it needs to look this way
at the end of the day like
Your heavenly father is your source
And you know our heart is always to be you know a vessel that the Lord uses to help
You know his plan for your life and your love story, so I just want to encourage you all with that
You know, obviously we do have guardrails that we we kind of coach from
Because after you know having you know had this program for about five years, you know
Jackie and and Jackie's
She was doing this long before so
She's she's she's got she's got some knowledge. She's got an anointing definitely for sure. So
What she teaches is definitely very supernatural it's definitely very God anointed so
We're here to you know, just walk that journey with you. So do I have any first time?
ladies to phase two
With us right now, yes
Our girl from Germany
She's on the border of Switzerland. I can't pronounce her name correctly, but she's like say it however you want
So Susanna Susanna
She's like hey, it's good we're learning right
So it's good to have you with us and
Anybody else that's tuning in and watching replay if you are brand new we want to welcome you here
Ladies get familiar and get comfortable with our app
Definitely get in there share what's going on in your life. I'm what questions you have
Just play around with that any questions. Just you know, definitely ask us that's what we're here for
I don't really have any whole lot of a housekeeping stuff. It's kind of just the same but again
We've got five teaching content videos here in phase two
So it's a little bit differently in phase one. It doesn't have a book that goes with it
There are videos because you watch one of those videos a week
Don't rush through them. Don't do more than one. I mean even if you have to do one every two or three weeks, that's fine
And in
Absorb it digest it like just really pray and meditate on it
Come with your questions
See what God is highlighting to you and be able to
Just learn something new
And then we obviously have these live calls every Tuesday the one o'clock Eastern and eight o'clock Eastern
8 p.m. Eastern not 8 a.m.
and
You know getting on these calls is definitely really helpful myself and Ebony
We typically will, you know, teach some content and then open the floor for questions
That can be dated dating related or it doesn't always have to be dating related
It can be artwork related to it can be life related like whatever it is that you are experiencing
again, this is
your journey
Show your love story and so everyone's gonna have you know things going on in their life that God is highlighting to them
that you know, he wants to heal and and and and move you towards so
Your questions are always
Definitely
Invited here. Okay dating or not dating. All right
so today
We are gonna I I thought it was really good because I know we talk a lot about
You'll hear us say this phrase that Jackie teaches about the three M's
Do I have anybody here that has no idea what the three M's are?
Everybody knows what the three M's are
Oh
Well, this might be a refresher for everybody. I
Always feel like we say that and some people are like, what's the three M's?
And so I really want us to dive into that
you know what the three M's are what that will look like and how to discern that and
You know
Also not trying to rush into saying someone has them or doesn't have them quickly
She's like, I don't remember what they are that's good because we're gonna teach them teaching them today
All right. Good. Good. Good for a second. I'm like, oh my gosh, everybody knows what these are
So I'm like, oh man, I'm gonna get this everybody falling asleep or in this class
but no, they are
masculine mature and
Marriage-minded and so you'll hear Jackie often talk about that. You'll hear myself and Ebony share about that
and so I just want to kind of touch on what that is how to just learn what that looks like and
And then we'll go into your questions
So I'm gonna go ahead and open up stuff in prayer
And then we'll go ahead and get started on talking and learning about the three M's and then we'll any of your questions. Definitely
Throw those up in the chat and I will do my best to kind of be checking those especially towards the end
Especially towards the end I'll typically go through and look through those as well. Okay
So have my father I just thank you I thank you for this day. I
Thank you for this time that you're bringing us together. I thank you for the connection
That we have in this community
And Lord, I just thank you that we we all share the desire to grow in wisdom and truth and
It's and not just our truth, but your truth Lord
And I just really I just pray that we lean into your truth
Not not the truth that you know, we've we've built on
Through our past experiences, but you know, what what do you our Heavenly Father say is true?
And so Lord, we just invite you in this space
You know, we ask that you quite any distractions. There's any anxieties Lord. I just ask that you calm them
You know and just help each and every person on this call and in the replay
Be fully present here with us today
You know as we talk about relationships Lord I and the desire to partner
With the one that you have for us Lord, you know, we just ask for your guidance and your discernment in that
You know help us to see clearly to recognize what healthy
Aligned
Truly means for each and every one of us. What would you have for us Lord?
Give us the wisdom to learn
what it means to look for a man that has
marriage minded and masculine and mature and
Not just to understand these on an intellectual level Lord
but
That we can trust
Ourselves and we can trust you
That you're gonna show us what that looks like in real life and we can trust that we know what that looks like in real
life
So Lord guide our hearts from any confusion
You know keep us from chasing any potential instead of truth
Strengthen us in our patience Lord our self-worth and our trusting of each other
timing. Lord, I ask that this just be a time of encouragement, you know, let this
space be, you know, uplifting, let it be honest, and let there be growth. You know,
speak to each and every woman individually the way that she needs to
hear it today. I just ask that, you know, we just give this time and this
moment all to you, Lord, as you lead this. In Jesus' name, amen. All right, you ready
ladies? Okay, so yes, marriage-minded, mature, masculine. Those are the three M's.
Okay, so first one, let's go over masculine. Okay, this is not going to be
about, so I'm going to tell you like what each one is. I'm going to give you
some like examples and then what it's not. Okay, the reason that this is super
important is because when you are dating or getting to know someone or you're
just even just meeting people, especially men, okay, I'm not just talking
about, you know, you're looking for a husband, okay, because you're just gonna
come in contact with all sorts of men, all right, and it's good to be
able to recognize these qualities in all different men, all different stages
and ages, and the reason that's important is because when you are dating,
what you're looking for is you want that all three of these
characteristics and qualities is going to create a clarity, a consistency, and
it's going to help you understand where the potential commitment is, okay. You
want to know where you stand, you want to know that his actions match his words,
and that he's actually capable of being in a relationship, okay. Y'all are single,
y'all are getting clues of what would a healthy man look like, and
keep in mind there's no such thing as perfect, okay. We all have yellow flags.
It's being able to discern, do they have these qualities at their core and are
they are they leaning on them a majority of the time? Are they
open-minded? Are they teachable? Are they looking to grow as an individual?
Individually with their Heavenly Father, like as a man, but do they also want to
grow in relationship? Because ladies, when marriage is going to mature anybody, it's
God's maturity plan for mankind. It will mature a man and it will
mature a woman, all right. We're great individually, there's nothing wrong with
being a woman, there's nothing wrong with being a man, but when we come together in
a covenant to serve the Lord, that can be so powerful for the kingdom, and there's
growth that happens there. So rest assured when you get into marriage,
there's going to be trials and tribulations. So you want to make sure
that that person that you're aligning with is actually in alignment with what
God has for you, and so we want to help you discern that, what that looks like. We
want to help you uncover what blind spots you have, what lenses are you
looking at things. You know, we have experiences from our past that are
going to put lenses on us. Ladies, I still have lenses. I've gone through heartwork,
I'm married, I still have areas of healing and growth that God is still
wanting to refine, and he's using marriage to do that, and he uses other
things too. He just uses relationships in general, but marriage is that one big
strong one, and so that's why those three M's are really, really important, and I
really felt like it would really be good for us to just really spend some time on
that today. Okay, so that's why that's really, really important, and you really
do want a combination of those three.
And the reason why is like, you know, you can have someone who's masculine, but they're
not very mature.
And that's going to be really exciting.
Like, yeah, I got this masculine man, like they're adventurous and they're, you know,
but if they're not very mature, like it's not going to be very stable.
All right, I don't know about you all, but as a female, one of the things that is super
important for me as a female is stability and security.
And so having a man that is mature helps create that stability.
Okay.
Now, it doesn't mean like he can't be goofy at times and humorous and things like that.
I'm like, we're not talking, he has to be like super serious all the time.
But you want like at their core, like, are they mature when time, like when, when God
calls them to, Hey, it's time to be mature about things.
Super important.
Okay.
You know, you, maybe you have the maturity, but they're not so much marriage minded.
Like that's safe.
They're going to be safe for you.
You're going to be so mature.
They're going to be like, they, they're going to let you know, like they care about you,
but it's going to get stagnant because that commitment, that, that, like that true marriage
commitment, they're not there.
And so it's going to kind of leave you like, Oh, like where do I still stand?
Like that security might kind of dissipate a little bit.
And then maybe they're marriage minded, but they're not very masculine.
You know, then guess what happens?
You boss babes.
And that was, that was me.
I'm one of those ladies.
Like I like my control.
I mean, I take charge.
I mean, I was a single mama for seven years.
Okay.
I didn't have the masculine energy like in my home, so I had to create it for my son.
And so, you know, if they're marriage minded, but they're not very masculine, guess what
happens?
You going to be the one feeling like you're carrying that relationship.
And we don't want that either.
You know, men are the leaders, they're the spiritual leaders or the spiritual head.
And so you really do want, want to invite that and you want, and they, and they need
to be able to step into that as well.
So it's going to be able to learn how to balance that.
So for you ladies that might be like me who can, you know, be, take charge and, you know,
I'm a very structured, like, let's get it done.
Let's, let's look at it this way and let's get organized.
Let's, you know, got a plan.
I'm a very plan oriented, very focused.
I have to learn sometimes how to like step back and allow my husband to be the one to
do that.
And that's not always so easy.
Okay.
And so we want to help you ladies kind of grow into that in that single season.
Okay.
Believe it or not, this is your preparation time.
This is your preparation for marriage.
And I assure you, like I was in this community, single, doing all of this stuff, preparing.
And I'm so thankful for all the preparation that I did.
But I will tell you, there are some preparation things that I devoided and I'm having to do
it now and sometimes it's not as fun, but it's, it's needed and it's necessary and it's,
it, God uses it for all good.
So, um, masculine.
Okay.
Let's go to the first one.
Masculine.
This is going to be, again, it's not about, it's, it's not, it's not about like a stereotype.
It's not about that dominance, like that macho man.
It's about relational energy.
So it's about, um, a masculine man is going to be comfortable taking initiative.
He's going to, um, he's going to move relationships forward and create a sense of safety and direction.
That masculine energy is a, is an energy that is protective and covering, provides, protects,
covers.
That's, that's what you're looking for relationally.
Cause what that's, he's not going to leave you guessing about anything.
Okay.
And again, we're not looking for perfect.
Okay.
There may be times that we come into, you know.
dating somebody, and we might guess things from our own insecurities and how
we see things, and so it really is about a balance. We're looking for over time
and consistency. Majority of the time are they showing up masculine and not
leaving you guessing all the time. Okay, so again these are all combinations of
things. So you know he might ask you out with a clear plan like, hey let's
grab dinner on Thursday at this time. Does that mean that if a man is not a
planner and is a little like, oh whatever you want to do, like there will be men
that y'all come in contact because they've been conditioned that way too.
Because there are some boss babes out there that like to control things and
they might have been wounded by some of those women and been like reprimanded
because they didn't let the woman decide what she wanted to do. And so guess what,
they're trying to just like, you go ahead and do what you want to do. Okay, so and
that's where communication is gonna come in. Okay, so we're not putting the
axe on them right away just because, oh he doesn't plan a date. We're looking
through time. Okay, but you're gonna recognize and notice, hey I recognize the
guys that are clear about the plans. They are, they're gonna follow up after the
date. They're not just gonna disappear. That's a masculine man.
You know, he's going to make decisions instead of referring everything to you
all the time. Now that doesn't mean he's not going to want your input. Ladies, you
want to have a man that is going to seek your input. That's how healthy
relationship works. I mean, if my husband goes and makes a
decision without consulting me, it can cause some friction because we have
different gifts and God uses us differently. And so sometimes I'm like,
hey honey, like I see that that's like a really good idea. Let's tweak it this way.
This will make it even better. And so you want someone that's going to be open
to hearing what your thoughts and considerations are. But at the end of the
day, like that man is going to be a majority of the time the decision maker.
But it does not, again, it does not mean your input doesn't matter. Okay, so again,
we can we can talk about that, that balance, what that looks like. So what
it's not, it's not passive behavior. It's not every time he's like, whatever you
want to do, whatever you want to do, I don't care, whatever you want to do. It's
not like passive like, oh well, that's not what you're looking for. Okay, because
in marriage, that's going to get really conflicting. Okay, it might feel safe
and loving early on in those dating stages. Oh, he really just cares and just
wants me to decide and you know, it's really important to him. Yeah, that's
going to feel good for a while until you're in a marriage and things are like,
you really do need that masculine energy, that dominance, that protective
provider to step in and just make the decision. You know, one thing that men
are really good, like women are, men are emotional, but not to the extent that
women are, I think. And that's always a good thing. Like, that's why I love that
my husband will be the decision maker because y'all, I'm a fairly highly
emotional person. I'm very aware of that and there are times that it's probably
not a good idea, depending on where I'm at emotionally, to make the decision. I
mean, I'm a pretty smart cookie. Like, I really, I'm like, when I get there, I'm a
very rational, logical person, but if I'm, if I've got some emotion behind there and
it's intense and it needs to be, there needs to be a decision quick, I'm not the
one to make it. Now, it doesn't always mean like, I come
back and say, hey honey, now that I'm not emotional,
Next time, can we do it this way? Or here's my input. Or in the future, this is what this
can look like. Okay, so that's masculine. Let's move on for time here. Mature. This
is about emotional and life stability. Okay, like he's going to take responsibility for
his life and his choices. Okay, it doesn't mean that he's not going to have life choices
that were not very mature, but he's going to take responsibility and own the fact there
may be things that he didn't do well, and he's going to learn and grow from them. That's
maturity. He's going to communicate respectfully, directly, and then someone who's going to
handle challenges without drama, and someone who's going to handle challenges without avoiding
them. Like walking into a relationship with someone that's like, oh, well, they're just
easy, carefree, whatever, like nothing bothers them. Well, that's great if they're not getting
emotionally charged and they can kind of separate that, but if it's an avoidance where they're
ignoring things, that's not healthy either. That's not mature either. Like you want someone
who's like going to handle the challenge but not avoid the challenge, but you also want
someone who's not going to just make it very dramatic either and put a lot of the emotion.
Us women have more than enough for that, or at least I guess I should speak for myself
because some of you ladies might not, but I know myself, and I most certainly do.
All right, so practically this is going to mean like there's a consistency and they're grounded.
They're not going to be reactive and chaotic. Now, again, that doesn't mean that they're not
going to have their moments. Even us women in our health, we are allowed to have our moments too.
I need a lot of grace from my husband because sometimes I like to step into my very emotional
side. All right, so if my husband is going to step into a very immature side, I'm going to
need to give him some grace. Some examples is if something is bothering him, he's going to
talk about it instead of withdrawing. He's not going to avoid it. He's not going to ignore it.
He's going to own his past without blaming other people for it, especially like exes.
So ladies, when those men want to open those ex files, and some of them will open
them very, very quickly, if they're sitting there and talking about everything that their ex did
wrong and what was wrong with their ex, be mindful of that. That's kind of showing you that there
might not be that maturity there. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's absent, but we want
to be watching for consistency. Are they going to be open and willing to navigate that? Is that
an area that they need to grow in? Then they're going to keep their commitments. He's going to
call when he says he's going to call. He's going to show up when he says he's going to show up.
That doesn't mean that there are not times where things come up.
So ladies, sometimes there can be a one or two off, but if it's consistently happening,
especially within the first couple of weeks, and it's happening frequently,
that's an immature thing. They're not being consistent to keeping their commitment.
Okay? If a man is going to ghost you and breadcrumb you and play games,
that's not maturity. That's immaturity. Blaming others for their circumstances,
that's immaturity, and avoiding serious conversations is also immaturity.
Okay? Now marriage-minded. This is someone who is intentional about alignment around commitment.
Okay? So they want to be in a committed relationship that leads somewhere.
Okay? And again, these are not things that you might find out right away. Okay?
And you're not going to like interrogate them. Okay.
Cause some, some men like they want that,
but they've also had women where women will push themselves on that.
And that can get a little like intimidating. Like guys just want to,
like, it's not that they're not wanting marriage.
It's just that they want to make sure that they're making a wise decision,
especially a man that is like values
the covenant of marriage.
Like I would hope that they're not going to want to jump into that marriage
conversation right away
because God forbid,
they don't think about that very well. And then they get in a, you know,
in a relationship and then, Oh, that's not who God has aligned for them.
I mean,
I want someone who is intentionally aligning with the Lord
about that, that,
that covenant they're going to date with a purpose and it's just not for
entertainment. Okay.
That doesn't mean that dates are not entertaining. Ladies,
you want to have fun on your dates.
You're going to want to have fun in your marriage.
So have fun. All right.
Let men are going to be adventurous. They're going to want to have fun.
So let them, let them do the fun things too. Okay.
But they're not like, Oh, it's okay.
Whatever. You know,
like you are going to want them to like be looking to get to know you more that
there's a purpose. Like they really do want to learn more about you.
And again, first date, they may not ask a lot of questions about you,
because they might not know what that looks like.
That may never have been modeled to them. So again,
we want to give some grace here. Okay.
But we're going to look over consistency and time.
What is this showing up as they're open to building a future ladies,
men that don't have goals about the future.
They're probably not thinking about marriage.
If they don't have, I mean, I'm saying like not every marriage minded man is
going to come and say, Oh, I want, I want to have a wife and kids.
They might have like,
I want to move up in the company or I want to start my own business someday.
And this is what I want to do.
Like they're thinking ahead of where they want to be.
What is going to motivate them,
drive them to continue to provide, protect,
to move forward. There's gotta be some motivation,
some drive there. Okay. So he's not big,
like it's, he's not just figuring it out indefinitely.
Like he really does have a plan.
Like there is a reason and a desire in his heart to work hard.
So he's going to express that he wants a serious relationship at some point,
probably pretty early on. Okay.
Like if you've been dating someone for several months and they have not alluded
to a serious committed relationship,
that might be an indicator that they're just not marriage minded.
He's going to ask meaningful questions about what your goals are,
what things you value and over time.
Okay. Not right away. Like some of us ladies like,
all right, over time, he's going to want,
you're going to see that move towards exclusivity and commitment.
Okay. Now I want to also kind of share too,
ladies is that we do have some of those men that will portray that and they'll
be very quick to that. You gotta be careful with that too. Again,
it's always about balance.
That's why we sit in a place of God defendedness and protection because
God will allow us to see things over time.
It's okay to not rush into things.
It's also okay not to just be hesitant all the time.
It's a balance. And so if you're someone that quickly rushes into things,
we're going to ask you to like sit on it for a minute.
Now, if you're someone that's like avoidant,
Like, nope, nope, nope, you're going to always just kind of push away.
We're going to probably say, hey, we're going to ask you to kind of sometimes
step out of that comfort zone and move a little toward that direction.
All right.
Those, and Catherine, I just happened to see your question pop up.
If they rush you into those serious conversations, and again, that doesn't
mean that they're a bad person or that they're like rushing you so much.
It may mean that they just don't know any better and there's ways for us to
slow the pacing down.
Hey, that is a really good question.
I'm really glad that you asked that.
It's really important.
Would it be okay if we dove into that question into more detail when we are,
once we've gotten to know each other a little longer, once we've been on a date
or two?
Because I do think that's a really important question.
I think it will be really good once we've seen like how we interact with each
other, like on the here and now.
We're not rushing to those serious conversations.
You're not dumping all of your past stuff on them with a complete stranger
because you don't know what they're going to do with that information.
But, ladies that are a little avoidant, you are going to have to be open over
time to giving them a little something.
You can't always be closed off because men that want marriage-minded
relationships, they want a woman that's going to invite them in.
A healthy man is not just going to barge into a house.
He's not like one of those rude salesmen that come and bang it on your door
trying to get their foot in.
They're legit going to wait to be invited in.
And if you're closed off and you're just sitting there talking to them through
your peephole or through your ring app, you're looking at their face and they
can't see you, but they can hear your voice, they're going to be like,
the door is going to have to open.
You're not going to say, oh, here, come into my kitchen, make yourself a meal.
Why don't you go ahead and take a nap in my bed?
No, we're not doing that either.
It might be, oh, would you like to step in for a moment?
And it's in the entryway, like there or in the sitting room.
Would you like some coffee?
There's going to be an invitation.
There's going to be something there.
Okay.
All right.
Sound good.
I think I've covered, oh, I don't think I said what it's not.
What it's not is, it's not a, hey, let's just see where this goes.
It's not a, hey, let's just see where this goes.
I mean, in the beginning, yeah, that first, first and second date.
Yeah.
Like a guy might just say, like, see where this goes because
they're trying to get to know you.
My husband asked me, even before we met on our first date, he came from Texas
to Florida where I was at, oh, I'm busy.
Am I going to see you more than once?
And I was like, uh, well, let's, let's go on a first date first and see if we get
like, I don't know if like, I w I didn't know if I was going to like him.
Like, what if he was weird?
I don't know.
Um, or what if he didn't look, you know, like I was just like, no.
Um, and, and it's funny cause he's, he even said, he's like, when I said that
to him, in his mind, he was like, oh, she's right.
What if she's crazy?
Like, he was like, wow.
Like, and, and so we talked to, like, we, we joked about it.
He was like, wow.
Like, and, and so we talked to, like, we, we joke about that where it's like, well,
yeah, like you don't want to overcommit to someone that you really
don't quite know right away.
So, you know, it might be a, oh, let's just see where this goes after, like before
meeting or after first date, but it's not going to be like, you've been dating this
guy now for like, you've gone on three, four dates.
You might've been dating for a month or two and they're like, yeah, let's just
still see what happens.
And you're like, okay, well we've been on eight dates.
Um, I'm not quite sure what you mean by let's see where this, like,
what do you mean by that?
Okay.
So that's not what that is.
That's not marriage minded.
Um, it's a marriage minded man is not going to avoid labels in future
conversations.
Okay.
If a man has avoided future conversations and doesn't want to have those labels
again.
You're not asking for those labels on date one, two, three.
Okay. Like we're not, we're not doing that. Okay.
Now some men will want to make it exclusive because
they themselves have some stuff that they've got to work on
because they're trying to rush into something. Okay.
It doesn't mean that they're a bad thing. Y'all. My,
my husband obviously was like, can I see you see you a handful of times?
My husband was very much like, Hey, I'm not messing around.
Like I want to be exclusive. And I, and he's like,
is that going to be okay with you? And I was like, uh,
I'm open to that, but can we get to know each other a little better?
And he was respectful of that boundary. He didn't push.
He didn't keep at it. He was very clear and direct. Like, look, I,
I'm dating because I know I want to get married someday.
And y'all, he said that, I think, I don't even think we've gone on a first date.
I think he like was very clear to me about that in the very beginning.
And I was like, okay, cool. Um, I was still like,
okay, well let's get to know each other. Okay.
But I knew that if he was going to continue to be intentional with me
and show interest in me,
I knew where his goal in goal was.
His goal was for marriage,
but it didn't mean we had to rush into that decision. Does that make sense?
Not pushing there. Okay. But it doesn't mean that a marriage, I was,
I will say there are a handful of men that will,
that there'll be very straightforward with you.
You are going to have to learn to take that information
and discern how that makes you respond.
If that's going to build an anxiousness in you or an eagerness in you,
that's going to be unhealthy.
You're going to want help guiding that.
We're going to want to look at that together.
You're going to want to spend time with the Lord with that.
That's what us coaches are going to be here for. Okay.
I was always a person that rushed into things.
So by the time I got to Jackie and heartwork, I was like,
I'm not rushing into anything. Like I knew, like I was like,
I was like, I'm not, I'm not kissing anybody until that's exclusive.
I was letting the man lead the conversation.
And if he led the conversation, I needed to have a piece about, like,
I was like, I'm going to make sure. And I was like,
you best believe I'm going to my, my community here.
I'm going to Jackie and all the ladies. I'm like, okay, here's the situation.
This is what's going on. You know, am I like,
do I have any blind spots, ladies? Like, let me have it. All right.
And there were times Jackie pulled band-aids off and I was like, dang you,
why are you doing that to me right now? Um, but it was good.
It was really, really helpful. Okay. So, um,
how are we on all that information? Good.
All right. If we need to,
I can even just kind of go into like some early indicators,
what you might see after a first date.
But I feel like I kind of talked a little bit about that already.
Like as I was talking through that,
but if you still have more questions, just definitely let me know. Um,
what I want is like, what I really want to emphasize with you ladies is
you, you can't often,
like you're going to be able to see hints and spot possibilities of the three M's
in there in those early stages,
but you're not going to be able to confirm until you see that consistency over
time. Okay. Um,
it's really about a filtering process,
not a just a one-time test.
Like there's going to be a, like take it through the filter. All right.
Cause again, these men are human. Okay. They're human beings.
They have, they, they have flaws. They send just like we do.
All right. They got yellow flags.
All right.
So I just want you to understand it's about timing.
Like look at it this way. Like before a date you're screening,
are there any red flags? Okay.
And again, some of you ladies, you're going to want to come here and say, Hey,
I think this is a red flag. Is it a red flag?
Cause a lot of times there's ladies like,
Oh, this is a red flag.
And I'm like, that's not a red flag.
That's a yellow flag, but that's not a red flag.
And then some of you ladies are like,
oh, this is a yellow flag.
And I'm like, no, honey, that's a red flag.
Okay, so that's what we're here for to help you with.
So that before getting in-person date,
you're doing some screening.
Then like those first one to three dates,
this is where you're taking a sample.
Okay, you're walking around Costco.
You're taking a sample.
All right, you ladies that go to Costco
know what I'm talking about.
As Susan was smiling, she knows what I'm talking about.
A kid knows what I'm talking about.
I don't ever typically take my kids grocery shopping.
And if I do, and they go to Costco,
like that's all they want are the samples.
And I'm like one of those people, I'm like,
I don't want the samples.
Just get me in and get me out
because it is crowded in Costco.
But the first one to three dates, you're sampling, okay?
My, that sort of tastes good.
I might come back tomorrow
and hopefully you're still out here
and I might take another little sample of that.
I'm not sure yet.
Depends on what I've got going on in my day.
All right, you're just saying,
do I see any signs of the 3M's?
Okay, that's your sampling.
Are there signs?
Then over time, after those three dates,
you are getting confirmation.
Like this is real.
This man is mature and it's showing up consistently.
This man is masculine and it's showing up consistently.
He is marriage-minded
and this is how it's showing up consistently.
After that sampling process, okay?
That first, you know, three dates or so,
that first month, now you're looking for consistency, okay?
Does that make sense?
Yeah, sort of.
I don't have very many ladies on the video
so I can't see all your reactions, okay?
So I want you ladies looking for,
is he demonstrating the 3M's, okay?
Okay.
Any questions about our content?
And then we can jump into questions overall.
I'm gonna scroll through our chat here.
Got it, got it.
Awesome, awesome.
I love it.
Y'all are speaking German.
So yes, Karen, a man of God is, yes, gonna have the three,
a man that has the 3M's is gonna be a man of God, okay?
Yes, so, and that is what we are looking for.
I mean, obviously, ladies,
like you are looking for someone who is in alignment, okay?
A godly alignment, so 100%.
So, yes, Karen, a man of God is gonna have the 3M's.
So, okay, Laura, I see you need input.
You had thoughts on Sunday after your second date
if you're attracted to him.
It might just be my finding an excuse to push him away
because he hasn't demonstrated any red flags.
He's sweet, kind, and respectful.
Okay, and Laura, was this something you posted?
Because I have not, I've had my family in town,
so I have not been in the app for the last day or two.
And so I don't know if maybe,
have you gotten any feedback from Ebony yet?
Or tell me about that.
I did post a few days ago,
but I haven't had a chance to go back and look.
But after her Sunday, like I was like,
oh yeah, I think I'm gonna like not see him anymore.
But like I connected with some of my other girlfriends
like in the program and yeah,
and then I had a good conversation
with my therapist about it yesterday too.
And just thinking that it might be
because of my fear of like trusting somebody.
And cause like he hasn't demonstrated
like any red flags at all.
So what about him are you not attracted to?
And like, and then share with like,
let's share about what are the fears of not trusting?
Like, what are you recognizing?
And it's kind of like giving you thoughts like,
oh, I don't know.
Like, tell me a little more.
What is not attractive about him?
Well, I mean, he is a handsome man.
It's just that he has like this gap
in his like two front teeth,
either on the bottom or the top, I can't remember.
But.
kind of bothers me or whatever.
But I'm like, it is what it is.
But,
and then like,
he does have like a slight receding hairline
or I don't know.
But he does like have a beard that I really like
and whatever.
And so, and has like an amazing smile.
And,
but other than that,
I feel like very comfortable around him.
Cause like, he is someone that like,
is a part of my Rotary Club.
And so like, I've known him for a while.
I just,
I knew that he was divorced.
And so like, I asked like,
another man from my Rotary Club,
who's married to like,
who's friends with Wade.
To know like, if he was like dating or whatever.
And when I like brought it up to like this other guy, Greg,
like his face just lit up and he's like,
oh my gosh, Laura,
I'm gonna reach out to him to like tomorrow
so he can call you.
And he actually did or whatever.
And I mean, it's been great.
We had like,
like our first date like lasted for like three hours
and like the three hours like just flew by
and we had like amazing conversation.
And then even our date on Sunday for lunch,
I had set an alarm on my phone
cause I had like some stuff to do like in the afternoon,
but my phone was in my purse.
So I didn't even hear the alarm go off.
But two hours like flew by
and we have like amazing conversation
and just like everything flows.
And it was kind of weird
cause we went to this restaurant
that like, I guess he goes to quite a bit.
And I know the owner of the restaurant
and cause he used to own like this other
like bagel shop in town.
And so like, I was asking him about that
when we first got there.
And then it was funny cause then he was like
preparing our salads.
And then he asked, he's like,
oh, so is this like your wife or your significant other?
And I was like, no.
I was all like, but I was like,
I didn't say that I was his friend or whatever,
but it was just kind of comical, but it was fun.
Was Wade right there when he said that?
Yeah, like he heard the guy ask us.
What did Wade say?
He just kind of chuckled too.
Like he didn't really say anything,
but my first reaction was like, no.
So he handled it, like he handled it well.
Like he handled like, he didn't get awkward about it.
He wasn't upset about like me just like immediately saying
no, cause I think like he was like,
I'm surprised that the guy even said that too.
So, but you know, whatever.
Okay, so this came up in my head.
So he's in your Rotary Club.
You've been around him.
You've recognized him.
What drew him to you in the first place
to talk to Greg about him?
Cause there had to be something there.
Cause he would just, like he owns his own business.
He's an architect and has like a small firm,
like in our town, it's like him.
And he may have like one administrative assistant
or something, I don't know.
But so he doesn't come to like every Rotary meeting
and I'm like our secretary.
So I'm there like at the front table as people get there
with like our treasurer and this other secretary
that we're training.
And so, but every time like Wade would come,
he would have this big smile on his face
and he would like chat with me before,
like he went to his table to like sit down
and meet like other people and whatever.
And so, yeah, that's what like attracted me to him.
So there's some qualities.
Like his friendliness and like, yeah, like his big smile,
like every time he saw me and stuff.
So there are attractive qualities about him
that invite you in to wanna know more about him.
That's good.
Oh yeah, and even yesterday, like at our meeting,
one of my girlfriends, she came
and she was just a guest of another member.
And so like, and I was talking to her about him
and I was like, as I was talking to her, I'm like,
oh, well, he probably won't come today
cause he doesn't come to like every Monday meeting
cause he's like busy with his like office and whatever.
And as I was talking to her, like, he was like,
he showed up, he was like right behind.
Well, especially, I'm interested to see Laura
if he's gonna start coming more frequently.
Laura, I think he came because he wanted to see you.
I was just about to say, I want you to be paying attention.
Is he gonna start frequently coming?
Cause that will show an intentionality
that shows a interest.
Like he wants to get to know you more
as if he's gonna just now start showing up.
So now let's really, okay.
So some of the things that are not,
that you're not attracted to, the gap in the tooth,
which, you know, there's Invisalign.
We always fix that.
Receding hairline.
I mean, here's the thing.
I mean.
Do we ever really know?
I mean, if we were younger and dating somebody,
would we know like 20 years from then
if they were gonna get older,
if they were gonna go bald?
Well, I was even shocked with like our Rotary Club.
Like I volunteered at one of our elementary schools,
like in this first grade classroom.
Like every other week I have a partner
who goes like on the week that I don't go.
And this little girl, she asked me like a couple of weeks ago
she's like, so whose grandma are you?
And I was like horrified.
I'm like, excuse me, like my kids aren't married,
I don't have any grandkids.
And like, I guess she thought that I was like
one of the kids grandma in class.
Cause like, I do have like a few gray hairs or whatever.
I was like, excuse me, why?
You know, I used to be like,
oh, I don't want a man that's balding.
Cause I had, my dad was, doesn't have all his hair.
And then there was a time that like, I was like,
well, especially as I got older,
I'm like men that had no hair,
but that had facial hair.
I was like, I could probably date that.
Like I could get, I mean,
and I used to not like facial hair.
Now, like I told my husband, I'm like, no,
keep your facial hair.
I love your facial hair.
Like our preferences.
Well, yeah, there was this guy that went to my church
like years ago that like, I, he kind of like grew on me.
And he, he does have like a huge,
like receding hairline or whatever.
But like, I was more interested like in his,
like his character and his friendliness and his like,
like his character, like really kind of like won over.
So those are the things that will sustain a relationship
are those qualities and characteristics.
Now, if you were, if you told me,
I'm not attracted to him because, you know,
he's just always negative all the time.
And like every time, like, you know,
or something of like that show more of a character
where maybe he's a pessimist or just negative or rude
or something of that nature where you're like,
I'm just not attracted to that.
Or if maybe he's like, you know,
really frugal or something like that, not generous with,
you know, maybe he's just like, doesn't want to, you know,
get, he doesn't give to charities or some whatever.
Like if it was something like that, we could dive into that.
But if it's the not being attracted
is more of the looks thing.
I do want, I want you to, like,
this is where I will be like, it's a yes until it's a no.
The no's are where-
Yeah, that's what I've been thinking too.
And like, so like, I was like kind of like
that was going through my mind and,
and yeah, like he's like on like every date,
like he always pays for like everything, even like Sunday.
Like I started to like pay for my salad
cause I like ordered first and he's like, oh no, Laura,
like I'm gonna take care of it.
And I'm like, are you sure?
And he's like, definitely or whatever.
And I'm like, okay, whatever.
And yeah, he's super generous.
And the only thing that came up
in our conversation on Sunday was he just briefly touched
on like his ex wife being like argumentative or something,
or, but like, he didn't really like dive into that.
And then like conversation like shifted
and like we moved on to something else.
Yeah, like those are good things.
Like, so ladies, like you will, you might hear things
and I don't want you to say, oh, he's talking bad about her.
Well, he shared how his ex wife is argumentative.
You know what that signals to you?
Now what you are kind of now gonna be,
again, it's just something that you're like,
okay, I'm gonna remember that.
Cause now when you see him,
if you continue to keep dating him
and you see someone that gets argumentative with him,
whether it's a salesperson or a waiter
or maybe he has to take a phone call and some,
what you're going to, you're gonna tune in
and you're just gonna turn the volume up a little bit
on your like senses of like, okay,
how does he respond to someone who's argumentative?
How does he show up?
Does he hold himself together?
Now I wouldn't say if one time you see
like there's some heated argument and he reacts,
okay, that was telling,
but everything else is again, you're like, okay,
but there's still a lot of really good qualities.
I still really enjoy spending time with him.
Let's say another argumentative thing comes up,
but this time he's more calm, relaxed, mature about it.
And then you start seeing that, okay?
Or you see it happen like the calm response
and then maybe there that one time it kind of sparks
and here's a reactionary.
Like if you are consistently seeing the calm,
responsive, mature response.
like reaction. That's a good sign. He's human. He's allowed to have moments where you're just
not going to deal with someone who's argumentative. You're allowed to see. So do you see, see ladies,
how we're, we're, we're gauging that over time, but she's tuning in. Okay. Well, she says,
he said that she's argumentative. I wonder what that looks like. And again, she's, she's not going
to need, she's not, she didn't dive in and ask a bunch of questions about the ex. She kept that
boundary. She allowed him to share it, but then she just was like, okay. And then he, he moved on.
Now, if he stayed consistently talking, she might've be, Hey, um, I, I I'm, I'm flattered
that you feel comfortable talking to me about these things. Um, why don't we hold these types
of conversations until we've gotten to know each other a little better about our exes and see how
he would. Yeah. I've kind of rehearsed like what I would say. So in, when he brought that up, like
my mind went to like, Oh, should I say something? But yeah, it didn't last very long. So I was just
like, you see how you can kind of shift into that. So I love that you're recognizing.
He's got some really great qualities. And so then you even shared, okay, is this coming up? Because
I have a fear not to trust. Have you been able to spend some time leaning into that with Holy
spirit? Like where is that rooted? What, what memories are tied with that? That same feeling
that's coming up? Is there anything? Yeah. Like I have been like praying about that. And I know
it's mainly related to like my ex husband. Cause like we were married for almost like 24 years by
the time, like our divorce went through in 2018. And, um, he just hurt me for many years in our
marriage or whatever. And so I think it's, and, um, yeah, I, I didn't really have many relationships
prior to like getting engaged and marrying him. And so like, that's kind of like my gauge of like,
yeah, relationships that I've been in. So when things start feeling like it could lead to
somewhere, there might be that feeling of anxiousness that will surface because you had
that connection once before. And the time that you remember having that connection,
your body also remembers the pain and the hurt that it went through.
And so, and also in that relationship, everything happens so fast. I mean,
we started dating like a month later, we were like engaged and like, I don't know,
like a month and a half later I moved back from Italy and like, we were already like preparing,
preparing like our marriage and whatever. And he came like the summer and yeah.
Keeping those types of things in like knowing, okay, is this me responding out of fear because
of what happened in the past? Lord, what do you want me to look at from that? How, how,
how would you like me to walk through that healing process? Because guess what? Like,
I'm sure you've probably heard this from Jackie.
She will say like, if you've been hurt in relationship, you'll be healed in relationship.
Right. Yeah.
You've been hurt in family, you'll be healed in family. Hurt in community, healed in community.
The thing that potential, that, that created a hurt, God can use to restore
that hurt and heal that. And so there is a vulnerability that will come with it
at times. And that's that trusting and partnering with God to walk through that.
And so that's probably what you're starting to feel kind of surface a little bit. And it's like,
your body wants to go into that protection mode of, well, I don't know if I want this because
I don't want to, I want the connection. I want all this good stuff, but what if it comes with
this? And I don't want that because that didn't feel good. So I'm going to protect.
So I'm going to protect.
Well, yeah. And also like, sometimes my mind goes to like, oh, well, because with the ex,
like he came across this, like this really great guy or whatever, like we got married or whatever.
And then I found out like five years into our marriage that he was addicted to porn. And that
was like huge issue in our marriage for like many years. So sometimes like, I, I'm always suspicious.
I'm like, oh, are you putting like that on this good front? And then like, I'll get attached to
you, like, we'll like become engaged or whatever. And then I'll find out like at that point that
like, there's this huge issue that like, I'm not going to deal with it.
But ladies, do you hear Laura recognizing she
recognizes looking back of when she was with her her former husband how quickly
things happened so she does have wisdom and remit like oh well this is what
happened this is what like I rushed this and I did this so she's able to now
recognize areas that she was like oh I wasn't I I could have maybe learned a
little bit more here and if I would have done this instead of this and again it's
not because she it like it was her fault but she's taking what happened and she's
learning it so she doesn't repeat the same thing again that's that's wisdom
that's how God used that that's how God can use what we've experienced to
protect us because it gives us wisdom and clarity well what happened then and
how can I change my behaviors and my reactions moving forward so that I don't
fall into that same cycle does that make sense oh yeah cuz it's a lot different
cuz like yeah in that situation like I did things so much faster cuz like in my
two dates with like Wade like I he hasn't hugged me I haven't held his hand
nothing no like whatever like and so like for me it seems kind of weird or
whatever but like you've had a lot of life experience since then too so you
got to think about all the life experience that you've had between that
time how have you grown in those 20 plus years you're not the same woman that you
were when you met your former husband that you are now so the chances of that
repeating again very slim especially when you are in a mindset of growing and
learning and connecting with the Lord and like okay I want to do this well I
want to do it in a healthy way I want to recognize what areas in my heart that I
need healed when you have that recognition that ladies is what's going
to that's part of that partnering with God to keep yourself God-defended and
God-protected well yeah and then I just had a quick question because I'm sure
maybe somebody else has a question whatever but so after the first day so
was on a Saturday evening so like last so a week ago Sunday at church and I was
mentioning to like my preacher about how I got on the state and his immediate
question was like oh is Wade a Christian and at that time I was like oh I'm not
sure and so like of course he goes into this big discourse of like oh Laura I'm
not sure if you need to be still dating him because like that's very concerning
that like you get attached to someone who's not a Christian which like so then
I like initially like after him like kind of like saying that to me I was
like oh yeah I mean I I don't want to marry someone who isn't a Christian or
whatever exactly then I do know some of the other ladies like from the program
and they're like yeah like when you're just doing like discovery dating it's
like you're not gonna like ask him 50 questions like oh are you a Christian
like you go to church but I actually did find out on Sunday that he does go to
church or whatever so he does he is a believer or whatever and so yeah well
and that's and that's the thing too like you want to see how it comes up
naturally in conversation and just in it and again it's not about where
somebody's been it's where they're going okay and obviously you want them to have
a drive to want to be connected with the board but right I mean if that could
look so and so many different categories so again it's how does that come up in
conversation it's like does it happen naturally is there an interest in an
intrigue and again like ladies she didn't have to go and ask all the bunch
of questions she didn't have to go interrogate him she found out oh he does
go to church okay cool well yeah cuz he was actually because his office is
actually like a block or so from like my church and like a couple weeks ago like
on a Sunday evening he was like walking past my church like we had come out of
church church was over that evening and I was actually talking in the parking
lot with the preacher from my church and Wade comes walking by and he's like oh
hi Laura or whatever and he was on his way to like get something to eat at the
like local grocery store like there you go and so he already knew that like I go
to that church or whatever and didn't burn when he when he set foot on on the
property yeah no that's good so yeah ladies that's the discovery dating piece
like yeah
Or you don't have to, again, it's letting all of that information unfold.
You know, and again, like this is discovery dating.
Do we know if this guy that Laura's, you know, talking to, is this going to be a,
she's going to go on a couple more dates with, is it someone that she's going to,
you know, date for many, many months?
Is it somebody that she potentially getting, we don't know that.
I mean, something can happen in a couple of weeks and she's like, Oh, you know what?
God really showed me that this wasn't the person.
And then she moves on fine.
It's about following that piece and it's recognizing what responses and reactions
do we have in our hearts that surfacing and learning from that and recognizing
ladies, it's being in tune to ourselves as well and how we're responding and
spending time with the Lord with that.
Like, okay, God, this is coming up.
What do you want me to gain from this?
What opportunity are you inviting me into?
Okay.
Cause ladies, the marriage, the man, that's all bonus, the healing and the
intimacy with the Lord, that's the really big gift that we get in this community.
Truly.
And that's what prepares you and sets you up even for that, you know, covenant
committed relationship and marriage as well is having that alignment with the
Lord and you get to walk that process out.
Like this is your time with the Lord right now.
This is your single season with the Lord right now, as you get to learn more about
other people and what you like, what you don't like and who like discovering,
who does God have for me?
How intentional has he been in creating a husband for me?
What might that look like?
Like, have fun with it.
Get excited about it.
Like, I want it to be fun for you ladies.
I mean, yes, there's going to be some healing moments and some stuff that
comes from all of this that, you know, it can, it can get us to our core and
really get into our emotions, but it's also important to just enjoy the process.
And have fun with it.
Like life is meant to be enjoyed.
And so I want you ladies, you know, I know we talk a lot about heart healing
and, and things of that nature.
I just, I want us like, make it a, make it a balance.
All right.
I don't know what led me to say that.
So just, you know, sit with that, but Laura, I I'm excited for you.
I'm excited to hear more.
So just keep us posted.
I think you're doing wonderful.
You're checking in with the, you know, the ladies in the community that you've
connected with and you're coming here, you're using the app, you're, you're
coming to calls, you're balancing that off and you're, you're gaining wisdom.
You're spending time with the Lord about it.
You're not making quick rash decisions.
You are a lot.
You're sitting with the process and that's, that's all this is about ladies.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I'm so proud of myself that, cause when I was going, getting ready, like
the afternoon of like the first date that it was at 6 PM, like my heart was
literally racing for like the hours prior.
Cause I literally hadn't been on a date since like the early nineties.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I was so nervous.
I had contemplated like texting him and canceling and whatever, but I was
like proud of myself that I like, I did not.
I went and like, I had a good time and then like, I was getting somewhat
nervous or whatever, but like, I went to that too.
And yeah, so.
So see, she like, she went and did something like she hadn't done in a long
time, she, she conquered it.
She got the courage.
She was bold.
And now she's like, Oh, this is easy.
Like, well, yeah, cause I was like, if I don't go, I'm not going to get this
experience and then I'm just going to stay where I am and I don't want to stay.
Like at some point you're going to get those nerves and you're just
going to have to get through it.
Like at some point, ladies, if you get nervous about having a first date, like.
You're going to have a first date.
You're just going to have to go on it.
And the sooner you get it done, the easier the other first dates will become.
And then, you know, you get on the first date, guess what?
Oh, you might go on a second date, a third date.
At some point, ladies, you're going to meet someone that's going
to be your last first date.
Think of that. Ladies, think of that. You are going to meet someone and your first
date is going to be your last first date. There is someone you are going to date
that you're going to marry and you're gonna have a last first date.
Get excited about that. So embrace the nerves. You know you're gonna have those
conversations like oh my gosh that first date before I met you this is what this
is what I was going through. I mean I have that with my husband. I told him
I'm like I almost canceled because you wanted to have dinner at like nine
o'clock at night. I'm like who has dinner at nine o'clock at night? I was like I just I
was like I made my pajamas at nine o'clock at night like and you wanted to
go out to dinner. I'm like no and you know what and I laugh and I mean I had I
went to a girlfriend like you know I just don't know and then she was like
well maybe just go out for dessert. She's like Carla just go and so I would
I'll sometimes even message her and be like yeah you remember you remember how
you had to talk me off the ledge where I was almost about to cancel with this guy
and so that that became part of my love story and that's how I incorporated my
friends and my community into my love story like we have we had moments of
laughter of yeah can you believe I almost missed out on going on this last
first date with my now husband because of all these things that you know I
didn't want to go out and have dinner at nine o'clock at night and I thought it
was weird because of it and then I later found out is because his job he
was here for his work and it it was his busy season where he literally will work
15 hours in a day and he actually got reprimanded for leaving early to go on
that date and I'm like that wasn't early but in his insurance Medicare world that
was like crazy early for them so I learned something so he he stretched
himself to go on that date so I was able to stretch myself and go out on the 9
o'clock p.m. dinner date hey Susan I see your hand up how are you
what question yeah um it's funny is your say your husband does Medicare and does
he do health insurance too that's what I do so he does Medicare in life okay
perfect yeah um so my question is I went I matched with a guy like in
December then we just never ended up connecting we had a nice phone call we
like text back and forth a few times then he disappeared and whatever I
unmatched him unholy and then he recently found me again unholy and was
like I'm sorry I dropped my phone in the ocean right after we match and like
that's why I didn't you know you didn't hear from me blah blah so anyway we
connect and he seems to be masculine I'm not sure about mature marriage
minded but you'll be indicate you'll see in the air so he reached out he planned
a date and like I had a really good time I actually it was like oh I'm actually
interested in this guy I thought he was like good very good-looking and I was
like hmm so maybe it's not a big deal like maybe I'm just getting triggered
because this happened before and I talked to you about it before actually
okay there was one guy on a date that had talked about like ooh I loved
watching you walk away to the bathroom and yeah okay yeah before the date I had
mentioned that I'm not working very much right now and that I've been laying at
the pool so he texts me and says like so did you lay at the pool and make guys
break their necks again today and I just thought well does that reveal like
something in his heart that he's thinking about checking women out at a
pool or that to me is showing a compliment that he it to me that's a
compliment that he finds you attractive okay okay so yeah I just like okay like
like basically saying like hey you're an attractive woman many men probably find
you attractive okay okay now where it can cross that line is if it's he's
leading into more sexual things it's like is he gonna continue to keep
pushing that boundary like at that point be like you know did you laugh it off
did you like whatever did he keep going with it yeah no he didn't I laughed it
off I said going with it then that's what I'm gonna be like okay now if and
ladies if a comment like that doesn't make you feel comfortable you can
express that like you're allowed to say oh no you know you know and it like
maybe a one-off okay but if if he makes a compliment like that again like
Again, it depends on what is, how it makes you respond.
Okay, for me, that wouldn't trigger me.
For some women, that might trigger them
because of their own traumas and wounds
that might have happened.
If you've ever been sexually abused or something,
or treated in a way, that could.
I get very triggered when people don't respect boundaries.
So if I see someone do something or say something like,
hey, I really don't like, hey, could you please stop that?
Like, hey, I asked you not to do that.
And they joke it off, that's a big trigger for me.
Because I was emotionally and mentally abused in that way,
in relationships, that anytime I try to put a boundary up,
it was dismissed.
So dismissiveness is like a big thing for me.
Where some women, the physical comment might be a trigger.
So that's where, I love that, Susan, you're coming,
you're having the conversation with us.
Like when that one guy was like,
oh, I liked watching you walk away.
That, he's literally talking about your body
and how he's responding to your body.
That to me, no, that's a red flag, no, sir.
And then I like, again, because that doesn't trigger me,
I would come back and be like, well, get one last good look
because you ain't seeing that again, honey.
And that's what you said last time
when I told you the story.
Yeah, like, I mean, I have no problem
being very blunt about that.
Because for me, that's not a trigger.
For me, that's a, dude, no, that's a boundary
and you're gonna respect that boundary.
Now, so, but with this guy saying,
oh, did you turn a lot of heads at the pool?
He's just gauging and showing like, you're attractive.
And he's probably even like,
I wonder if she's dating other guys.
You know, I mean, there could probably
be some insecurity there.
Like if he's interested, but again,
this is where you're just, you're taking the information
and you're collecting, you're collecting information,
you're putting it in the catalog,
you're putting it in a file
and you're gonna see how does he show up?
How does he show up consistently?
Now, is he gonna continue to make comments like that
or indicating that men are gonna be attracted to you?
And if that is kind of a sign, like if he repeats that,
there might be an insecurity there of, you know,
women dating other men while he's been dating them.
Who knows if he's been cheated on.
I mean, these are just things that you're just,
you're collecting information at this point.
Like my indication is he's just paying you a compliment
and, you know.
Okay, yeah, I joked back and I said, no,
that wouldn't be kind to have a bunch of men
break their necks and go to the hospital.
I'm just in the privacy of my own backyard, Tanning.
There you go.
And then I think there was something else.
And I don't know if he said it or I said it.
He said something about, well,
I might need a neck brace when I meet you, like,
or something.
Yeah, he's paying you a compliment
because he's saying, hey, I find you attractive.
Like, that's his way of finding you attractive.
Now, you're more than just a beautiful face.
Yeah.
So what other ways is he like getting to know you?
Like, that's what you're looking for too.
I mean, ladies, it's okay to be flattered,
to be flattered that somebody physically is attracted.
I mean, ladies,
you wanna be physically attracted to the man you marry.
Like, you're gonna want to, okay?
And so there's nothing wrong with physical attraction.
We don't want physical attraction to lead the relationship.
What other stuff is there?
Is he interested in getting to know your heart
and what is important to you, your goals?
Like, things of that nature.
And have fun.
And it's great.
Like, he's attractive and he's, you know,
he's attracted to you, you're attracted to him.
Great.
Like, now you get to see what's attractive about his heart
and he gets to see what's attractive about your heart.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, I liked the date.
Like, we had a really good time.
Like, I was intellectually, like, stimulated.
Like, I like, he's intelligent, successful.
You know, like, everything went well.
We laughed.
Like, he didn't say anything crazy or inappropriate.
I told him I was.
being a house and like I showed him the pictures and everything
and then he's like, so you put, you know, 250,000 into it, how
much you're going to make? That was the one thing I was like,
it's personal asked me like,
and did you tell him that you say, Well, that's personal.
I said, Well, I don't know. I said, hopefully over 100
grand, but we'll find out. But like, I didn't give him like
direct numbers. But that's kind of like, but and then again,
those are indications like how is it does? Does? Does he say
things like that consistently? Yeah, again, like if he does,
you you communicate boundaries, you see how he responds to
that? Yeah, offensive, then that's going to be an indicator.
If he's like, Oh, again, this is about discovering. And it's
also about learning how we ourselves communicate our
boundaries. And what's important to us. That's important to
Yep. So that so that we both are like the end of the date, we
both have to go to the bathroom before we leave. And I'm like,
All right, well, let's walk to the bathroom together. So the
women's bathroom is further the men's bathroom here, right? So
always stops. And I'm like, I continue on. And I don't know, I
didn't intentionally, I just kind of instinctively looked
back, and he was watching me walk, fine, whatever, I just
kind of laughed and like went in the bathroom. We leave the next
day, he texts me in the morning, like I had a great time with you
yesterday. I said, Likewise, sir, I had a good time with you
too. And then he said, Did you see me watch you walk away with
like heart eyes. And then I just put like, haha, I think I'm just
like a little bit like paranoid. I'm like, Oh, gosh, if he
doesn't say something inappropriate, I hope like I did.
I do like that he thinks I'm attractive. But then
so yeah, so I would say if if what you might like on, you
know, as you're getting to know him, what could be helpful for
you is saying, Hey, I really appreciate the compliments. One
thing that I'm working on myself personally, is learning when
when to take those compliments sincerely, and when they are
driven in an inappropriate way. So it would be really helpful
for me if you cut back on some of those, until we've gotten to
know each other better. Would that be okay with you? I'm
really flattered that you find me attractive. I find you
attractive. But I don't want, I don't want to have my head
clouded. So if you could just put a pause on that until we've
gotten some time to know each other better. Yeah. And I see
your response to that. Okay. I mean, that's what I'm saying.
It's literally it's about you recognizing where you're like
regulating your emotion and your feeling and communicating in a
healthy way. And then allowing the other person to have the
opportunity to respond back in a healthy way as well. Okay. Okay.
Yeah, we get to learn we get to learn what Okay, was there a way
I could have said that better? Or was there a way that they
could have responded better? Like, it really is a learning
process. Yeah. I mean, and that's that happens in
relationships like that happens. I mean, my husband and I, I
mean, we have moments where like, Oh, we, we handled that
conversation really well. This is what we did really good. And
then there's other times we're like, we did not handle that.
Well, it we ended up arguing about something like, what did
we do that was that we could have done better? Like, and then
we adjust. And then sometimes we don't always do that. Sometimes
it's like we fall back into the same trap and go through some of
the same cycles. And we're like, we did it again. Look at what we
did. Like, it's it really is about having that open, open
communication, and, and that balance. So you get to learn
that. And that's the cool thing. Yeah. Okay, keep us posted
because I'm excited. Well, through these last night, can I
actually go ahead? Okay. So I was actually trying to get to
the part, which I appreciate all your insights, but I was trying
to actually get to the part that was important. So I just like I
don't normally do this. And it wasn't any like intention, but I
randomly was just like on Instagram. And I was like, Hey,
I wonder if he has an Instagram. So I actually have a fake
Instagram account. So I was like, and I it's because I ended
up investigating the last long relationship I was in and
finding a lot of information. So I never actually deactivated the
fake one. But I do look at a few things on my fake one because I
don't want people to know that I'm looking. Okay, so I randomly
just like I wonder if he has an Instagram. And he did.
And I was like, Oh, yeah, he is cute. And I was like, looking at
his like, motivational things he was posting. And I had no
intention. I was not fishing to find something. I don't feel
like I'm super distrustful, even considering my past situation.
But I did end up seeing that he randomly took went to San Diego
yesterday. And he's posting himself walking like along the
beach. And there's a woman like walking pretty close in front of
him. And then I'm like, so I was like, well, maybe he's not
with her. Maybe she just happened to be walking right in
front of him. So then I'm like, then I look at his highlights.
You know, they're like the archived stories. And I see them
golfing together like a year ago. And I was like, then I
noticed I saw I click on her Instagram, then I noticed that
she moved to it looks like she moved to Phoenix. And she was in
Denver before and he just moved here from Denver a year ago. So
my season Phoenix and he's in Denver. That he's okay, so I
live in Phoenix, and he just moved to Phoenix a year ago. And
before that he lived in Denver. And it looks like she was
posting that she lived in Denver around the same time he was. And
now she lives in Phoenix around the same time he lives in
Phoenix. And so I went through like, they don't have any
pictures of them together on either of their pages. But now I
am like suspicious, of course. Okay. And then like she posted
stuff about like, she has these big dogs. And I remember him
having these big dogs on his profile, but they're not there
anymore. So I'm like, I mean, I think there's ways I could
easily like find out if I asked for him to send me pictures of
his dogs, and they match the ones that she posts. But like
she posted like a Valentine's Day thing where she had set the
table. One was a wine glass. One was like, not now do you see how
you're kind of going? Yeah, now I really like this is why. This
is why we don't go searching for stuff. Okay. Because yes, there
could be something here. But it also could be something that's
not there. Yeah, my my goal is, it's for you is what? What's
going on in your heart that's leading you to continue to keep
that fake Instagram account and look at that stuff? Yeah. What
things are you believing? And still aligning with what fears
are coming up? Yeah, I mean, it wasn't like it wasn't for
really for him. I wasn't looking to investigate, find
something negative or in fear at all. I just thought I would
like it and then we're like, Oh, yeah, now I see it. You see,
it's like all it took was to see one thing. And it got your mind
thinking. And then it took you down the path. Yeah, you're
clicking hers and his and now you're sitting here trying to
piece together this puzzle. And, and how many days have you been
on with him? One? It? It's too soon for you to be asking him
questions about his his personal life. Right? That hasn't been
established. I mean, because he's allowed to be dating other
people, right? He's allowed to have close friendships. Maybe
it's a best friend. Maybe it's a sister. Not a sister, not a
sister for different races.
Half sister steps. I mean, there's no way they're even
half. But again, I mean, but but Susan, but you hear what I'm
saying? Like, I'm giving you examples of how it could not be
in you're already coming and saying, but it's not that it's
not that I'm just saying it's not there. There's no way
they're related. But yeah, but again, it's where's what's what's
that rooted in? Where Where's that fear coming from? And it's
okay to have that fear. I mean, it sounds like you had a
situation in the past.
Yeah, it's probably coming from the situation in the past. I
think it's just this world. It's probably hearing other friends
negative experiences. Yeah, I mean, they're
and that's exactly like there are men out there that date
multiple women at the same time. Well, I mean, I was dating a guy
and he was in a relationship with somebody and I was like,
and he showed me a picture. Oh, I'm I'm I'm babies and my friend
needed help with her kid or with their kid. He didn't say her. It
was his girlfriend's child. And he sent that picture to me a
stranger.
And I was like what I mean, and I if it blew my mind
like there are people out there like that, but if I
Allowed myself to think that I had to be on guard about that. I
would I
It would make my life so unenjoyable
Yeah, I mean and that's one thing like
Jackie will teach on if you are looking for something
You will find it because that's what you're that's what you're looking for
and so if we have if we're looking at a lens of being suspicious or
afraid of that happening again to us and
We're looking for indicators to tell us that is what's happening
We're gonna find it
What my encouragement for you ladies is?
It should like know like no no one should ever have to experience to be treated in such a way
There's never an excuse for it
But one thing that I've had to learn is
What part did I play and what could I have done differently if
I would have
Not jumped here and not jump there if I would have asked this question if I would have discerned
Like it it was more or less like hey, I didn't keep good boundaries for myself
So now I can feel confident. I'm gonna keep better boundaries
I'm gonna communicate clearly in a healthy way and I'm gonna listen for how they respond because I'm not gonna react out of fear thinking
I'm gonna get rejected
It's okay if they reject me because I don't want I want to be rejected by the person that God doesn't have for me
And that's okay
And I don't have to think that person's a bad person
It's just that that person's just not for me. I had to do the healing in myself and I will tell you ladies
That's not always easy
So like I'm sharing this with you Susan and not not to make like I don't want you to hear
I don't want there to be any heaviness on it because again, I I've experienced that too
It's just a it's a highlight of hey
we're many of us have been exactly where you've been and we get it and
I want you to lean into that. What does it mean to be God defended? What does it mean?
Into that what does it mean to be God defended?
What does it mean for God to show you wisdom and discernment?
so that you
You can walk into getting to know any
Guy that on a discovery date
without having to worry about
Needing to go click through
that
You know what?
I'm gonna look for other indicators and I'm gonna discern the three M's better
I'm gonna take time before I
Emotionally invest like what are some things that you can put guardrails for you?
To allow you to not open up to get hurt quite
Quite yet. You know what I'm saying? Does that does that does that register?
I mean, I feel like I really balanced about it. Like I I don't feel like I'm like, oh my gosh
I'm so excited about it. I'm like, I don't know him. We'll see his date was cool
but for some reason I just was like
I wonder if he has an Instagram like and then now it's like now I am suspicious because it's like it is
Like I don't want you to like so I would even just say like
Even when I'm not
Suspicious, but then it comes to that like spend time with Holy Spirit on that one. Like yeah, what?
What are you trying to reveal to me Lord like what can I what can I grow in right now like
Because here's the thing like I
Have I have been cheated on and there are times the enemy will want to come in. I
Mean in there ladies, there are times like my husband is on he he's on the phone all the time
and I'm like
There will be times where I'm like, what if and I'm like, oh my gosh, like if I look at that
And think that that's what's gonna
Like that's gonna create a distrust
Distrust and I'm like, I know better. God. God has shown me proof that my husband is a trustworthy person. I
Don't have to I don't have to go searching and then I can go to my husband be like, oh my gosh
You'll never believe what the enemy tried to do to me today
Like I literally had a thought what if what if you're messaging someone like
And he would just be like, oh my
Gosh, you're crazy.
I'd be like, yeah, I know.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's about facing and being able to be open of,
hey, I'm aware that sometimes the enemy
wants to lie to me about these things.
And this is how I'm gonna fight it.
I'm not gonna play in to his hand.
I'm not gonna go searching.
But again, like this guy you've gone on one date with,
you might wanna put up a guardrail for yourself.
Like, it's okay to see if someone has an Instagram,
but I would give yourself, okay,
I'm gonna allow myself to know the person for three months
until I look at their Instagram.
Yeah.
And then before I look at it, I'd be like,
hey, this is, and have a conversation with them prior.
Like, whatever that looks like.
Again, you get to go to the Lord
and let him speak to you of how you navigate that.
Yeah.
So just, yeah.
I mean, I trust myself to see the red flags
just between interactions.
So it'll, I mean, something else will come up
that will be a no.
But spend some time this week,
like if there's anything about that situation that comes up
that's making you second guess,
like how do I now approach this interaction?
Yeah.
Share that with us, and we can walk through that.
I mean, what, do you suggest anything?
Or just keep getting to know him?
I think he's probably-
Just keep getting to know him,
because again, like you guys are not in a commitment.
Right.
We're just getting to know each other.
Now, obviously, because you've seen this,
if there's some indicators of things
like moving in a direction,
there's probably gonna be a time
where you're gonna come clean with him.
If this continues and you go on a few more dates,
I, my suggestion is say,
hey, so I have something to confess.
I was looking at your Instagram, and this is what I saw.
Can you help me understand that?
I don't wanna overthink this.
And it's gonna, it's,
there are gonna be some discomfort there.
Yeah.
Yes.
I don't think I'm gonna look at guys' Instagrams anymore.
And use that.
And here's the thing,
because if you do something
and you have to go own honestly to that person,
because here's the thing,
is if this person is someone
that you wanna enter a covenant marriage with someday,
any man, okay, how would you honor that man?
How would you honor a man
that you would walk into marriage with?
You would honor him with honesty.
And so what your actions and your choices
will model that, because you know you're,
I mean, it's no different than like,
really how we, as Christians, it's like,
I walk my life because my God knows every thought,
not even every action, every thought that I have.
So I'm accountable to God with everything.
The next person that you are accountable to on this earth
will be the person you enter marriage with.
And so that honesty will be there.
And so showing up and making choices
based on what would I have to get honest about
and sharing that with him and saying,
hey, I'm gonna come clean,
this is gonna be super embarrassing.
I mean, obviously you're not gonna do it right away.
Like, get to know him a little bit,
because that's a lot in the very, very beginning.
But if you see, like, things are progressing
and you are interested and he's interested in you,
there's gonna be a, and here's the thing,
and when we're honest and we share this,
we get to see how they respond.
And that in itself, God is indicating to us
what that partnership would look like.
It's gonna be like, you want an honorable husband?
Then you're gonna go be really vulnerable to him
and you're gonna see how he responds.
And that's gonna show you,
is this man in alignment with me?
Yeah.
My, your heavenly father,
is he responding honorably to you
who just came to him in a submissive posture?
How is he responding to you?
Because here's the thing, like,
if we get
Vulnerable with a man or a husband
That is like a women submit to a husband. That's very vulnerable ladies
The husband is to love his bride like Christ loved the church
There's a nurturing there's a comforting there's an empathy that goes there. There's a respect and a love and a consideration
Holding that vulnerability and
like
Making it a safe space
So how he responds to that will tell you a lot
and
That's okay
It will stretch you
getting vulnerable and
Honest will stretch every single one of us
But I like that you're like I'm not gonna look at any more Instagram
So do that and if that enough stuff like I can't look at any more Instagrams because if I do
I'm gonna have to admit that I did this
Know if I'm ready to do that quite yet because I don't really know this person right very well
I don't know how they would respond to me
so you'll know you could go look at someone's Instagram when you feel safe enough to have the
Conversation with them that hey, I went and looked at your Instagram today. And this is what I saw
That's when you know, it's safe for you to look at their Instagram
right
Because then you feel safe to have the conversation the honest conversation with them, right?
Yeah, thank you. I feel better. Yeah, I could be jumping conclusions. Maybe it really is just a friend. I mean and
Maybe it's not I mean, that's what I'm saying. We don't
Yeah, I mean, yeah, like okay. Hold on. What what did God highlight to me? What can I learn from this?
Yeah, for sure
I'm sure I'm a little bit triggered from the past because it hasn't been that long and I've been investigating the past recently and
Finding all this stuff that I was lied to about from years. So I think it's just
Yeah, it's go back through your heart work stuff like go back to that content
Go back through the healing for revealing go back through the forgiveness stuff ladies healing is in layers
It really is
I mean I have like things that I still like things that I have gone through forgiveness and in past
Relationships and it will sometimes service and I have to go back. I mean like, okay
There's another layer here that I got a better forgive and let go of
Because God will reveal something new to me and I'm like, okay. Thank you Lord
I appreciate you giving that to me because I know the Lord reveals that stuff for my good
Because he has something to give to me. That's greater
And so I don't look at it as oh
God is trying to you know
Discipline me and you know, whatever
No, he's just saying okay, honey
Now you're ready to grow a little more because I got something even greater for you
So let's get you through this so I can you know, we can get you to this and then it's like, thank you Jesus
like thank you and
Shift our mindset and our posture that way. It really does make a difference
Thank you so much, and I know we didn't have a lot of questions
But Laura and and Susan, thank you so much for sharing that. I think we got a lot of
Really good teachable content from that. I hope you all learn some good stuff from the the three M's
I'm gonna just quickly look here through
Make sure I didn't miss any questions
And then this way if I did I can always respond in the app with them, I don't think I did I think
Think we are good
All right, ladies, we'll have a wonderful rest of your day and I will see you all later. All right
She had a question further up in the chat. I don't know if you do
Love that said that she had a question further up in the chat. Okay. Oh, I
Looking and looking after the first date is okay to suggest a fun activity if the man has not suggested getting together again
He has reached out after the date and I and we have a call set up for tonight
Yeah, I you can definitely, you know, just drop that
Has he oh and she's not I don't think she's here anymore if she sends it in replay
I don't think she's here. I don't think she's here. I don't think she's here. I don't think she's here
Has he oh and she's not I don't think she's here anymore if she sends it in replay
I will and i'll and she posts in the app. So i'll respond to one of her things too. So yeah, that's a great question
I typically like to let the guys lead that second date, but it's if he's connecting
And sharing and like like setting up another call
Like you can definitely drop a hint like
Oh, yeah, I might go do you know, I might go to this like
and in the park thing on Saturday night.
Have you ever heard of it?
And see what they say,
like you can drop subtle hints of things
that are like to do,
or oh yeah, I had a friend that went ax throwing
and you know, I've never done it,
like I think it would be really cool.
Have you ever done it before?
And see kind of how they lead that.
You know, you can always drop little subtle hints
and see how they respond to that.
So, all right.
All right ladies, I'll talk to y'all later, okay?
Bye.