I have the honor of presenting to you, His Majesty, Charles B.
Is somebody watching Zipperty?
Yes, do you believe it?
All right.
Can't access your camera, please.
My camera went out.
Oh, Lord.
I'm sorry, ladies.
Am I back?
Yay, hey.
Hello, you all.
Hello, hello.
It's so good to see you all.
All right, let me put it on gallery view so I can see who all do I see.
Hello.
All right, so just a few little housekeeping.
It's so good to see y'all tonight.
I hope all y'all had a really good day.
Did y'all have a good day today?
Yeah?
Anybody have a not-so-good day today?
Nobody?
Good, good.
I don't see anyone that's new on tonight.
If you are new, go ahead and wave or unmute and tell me you're new.
We're so happy to have you.
How do you say your name?
N-A-O.
Noah?
Tell me how you say your name.
Hi, Ebony.
It's N-A-O.
Well, N-A-O.
It's been a while.
Yes, I know.
How have you been?
I've been good.
Good.
I've been launching a digital business.
What's happening?
So that's what?
Life coaching, transformational life coaching.
Yay.
That's so awesome.
Yes, thank you.
That's why I haven't been able to be in all of the sessions, but I'm coming back.
Yeah, no, I'm so excited for you.
My prayer is that your business would just overflow.
That the Lord would fill you to capacity and then pour in more capacity for you.
That this journey would be the thing that catapults you into greater, greater things
that heaven has for you.
I'm so excited for you and all the lives.
Oh, thank you, Ebony.
Thank you, Ebony.
I receive it with all my heart.
You're welcome.
Hey, Amanda, is this your first time with us?
Welcome.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
We're so happy to have you.
So just a few housekeeping.
You ladies know you can watch one since Amanda's new.
I have to do one video a week.
You process with Jackie's all of the information on there.
Come join us.
Coaching is not just for dating, it's for the whole person.
Whatever you got going on, bring it on in because we learn from everything.
All the things that we use in dating, we also use in life like grace, forgiveness, right?
Patience.
This is a faith journey with the Lord.
And sometimes we have to just keep faith in it.
My Lord, it can get tough.
And so we come to support each other.
We come to hear what others are doing.
Even if you're not in that stage yet, it's so good to hear about it.
When others are going through their processes, we can learn so much from each other.
And women, we're so much alike.
We're not much different at all.
We may express differently, but we miss you too, Karen.
And those pictures you posted with a green on, you're just absolutely adorable.
Yeah.
So we do one on one coaching.
Look under the coaching tab or in the resource tab.
All of our coaches are absolutely amazing.
And yeah.
Do you have any questions, Amanda, since you just came into phase two?
Any questions about how everything works?
No.
Thank you.
I had the opportunity to listen to the replay from last week.
Yeah.
I had joined the group, I think on Wednesday or Thursday.
And I thought, OK, let me look at the previous replay.
So I have an idea.
So thank you for the introduction.
Oh, yeah.
Well, good.
You're welcome.
Hey, Daisy, is this your first time?
Yeah.
Daisy Jones.
No, you don't.
Probably a busy.
Cool.
OK.
Anyway, we're going to get started.
Tonight is simple.
So I hope that you ladies have your questions ready.
Oh, this is just second lap.
OK.
Let's pray.
Father God, I thank you for all of these ladies.
Every place, Lord God, where their faith is feeling a bit abandoned.
and then a bit shipwrecked,
every place where they're disappointed
because they thought something should have happened by now.
I don't care what the happening is in their job,
in their personal life, in their family,
in their daily life, in the process with their spouse.
Oh God, I just speak, Lord God, grace over them,
grace in those areas where they keep falling short,
grace in the areas where they feel like
they can't get it right.
I pray, Lord God, that your presence would invade
every space that they know that according to Psalms 139,
that you are the God who formed them in their mother's womb.
According to Psalms 139, you know all of our thoughts,
that you're always with us, Father God.
And I pray that they get to know that God
that walks with them in the good and the bad.
David said in the book of Psalms,
yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
I release that over them now,
that they will not fear any evil,
that it may be a shadow, but they don't have to fear it
because all it is is a shadow, oh God.
So Lord God, I just, I bless them now.
I bless them with your might.
I bless them with your strength.
I bless them with your resilience.
I bless them with your wisdom, Father God.
And so I just thank you that your integrity is filling them,
that you're bringing them to new places in you,
places of honor, places of faithfulness,
places of stewardship, Father God.
And I thank you that this journey holds more for them
than their eyes could have ever thought to see.
I thank you, Lord God, that this journey
holds more for them than the one thing that they desire,
which is a husband, but you have so much more.
I thank you that this is a time of building,
that this is a time of reconstructing.
This is a time of reordering.
I thank you, Lord God,
that you're putting some feet on new paths.
I thank you, Lord God,
that they're going in directions
they never thought to see coming.
I thank you, Lord God,
that the prayers that they prayed many years ago
are coming to fruition.
I thank you, Lord God,
that they're gonna declare
that you are the God that brings things to pass.
You are the God that does exceedingly abundantly
above all that I could ever ask or think.
I thank you, Lord God,
that you're bringing back dreams of businesses
and causing them to come to pass.
I thank you, Lord God,
that you're bringing back dreams to help in ministry
that they never thought would come to pass.
I thank you, Lord God,
for somebody on this call
that you're releasing them into the homeless ministry
where they can help homeless people
and build them up, Lord God.
I thank you, Lord God,
that you're birthing them into the good land.
So I pray now, Lord God,
that the boundary lines have fallen for them
in pleasant places,
and they shall taste and see that you are good
and all the time, you are good.
I pray, Lord God,
for women that arise in the courage,
in the strength, in the might of Jehovah Sabaoth.
I thank you, Lord God,
that they get to see
that you are the God that goes before them,
that you are the God that surrounds them,
that you are the God that keeps them,
and that you are the God that builds them up
and makes them mighty.
We thank you, Jesus.
Amen.
Glory to the God that makes us mighty.
Glory to the God that empowers us.
Glory to the God that makes himself known in the earth.
I just declare over you
that your life will testify that God is good.
When people look at you,
they're gonna say that God is good.
When people look at you,
they're gonna say God is faithful.
Your life will testify of his faithfulness.
Your life will testify of his goodness.
Your restoration will testify that God restores,
that he is Jehovah Nisi,
Lord God, our banner.
They're gonna look at your life and say,
God is love.
God is forgiveness.
God is grace.
Oh, and God is good.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, one more thing.
I just thank you, Lord,
that you're bringing these ladies into the promised land.
I thank you, Lord,
that you're bringing them into the promised land.
And I just declare that they will not circle
any more mountains.
They will not circle any more mountains.
We're not circling mountains, ladies.
We're going into the promised land.
So take that.
This was not prompted.
I do not have it written down.
And I believe that the Lord wanted to release that over you
because it came out of my mouth.
And God is good.
All right.
So I need an E-pen because hands are going up
and I need to write it down.
So tonight I said this,
and it will be rather quickly
because I believe most of you ladies have done this
because your own dating apps are ready.
But we're going to talk a little bit
about building a dating profile
because believe it or not,
we do have questions about that
and a lot of, as a matter of fact.
And, you know, I've had.
I've had many ladies to ask me,
like they'll say,
hey, I'm not getting any hits on my dating profile.
And it sucks.
I've done it before.
Like, you be like, now I know
somebody should be saying something to me.
And then the few that come through,
you be like, is this a ex-murderer?
They be looking so weird.
And I don't know why men take picture
with the camera under they chin.
And I be like, what?
Did you see that before you posted that?
I'm offended that you would even say something to me
that you think I would talk to you
and the camera under your chin like that.
So, you know, there are times.
And so we've looked at their,
looked at the profile, looked at their profile.
And there was, it was lacking.
It was lacking in the photos.
It was lacking in the description.
And so we want to just hit on that a little bit tonight,
especially for those who've not really,
oh yes, the chap-lipped, dead-ass, fish-picked,
Lord Shekinah.
We can count on you to tell the truth, Kanye.
So we want to think about our dating profiles
and we just kind of want to run through
how to build a dating profile that attracts alignment.
Right?
So we're dating for discovery,
but you do want to track alignment.
And I'm going to tell you something now.
I'm going to be real with you.
A lot of these men, they don't read your profile
because they say stuff to you.
And it's like, you didn't read that I was a minister.
You didn't read that I'm building a kingdom.
Did you miss that part of my profile
that you would get in my inbox and say this?
And then when you ask them something,
they be like, oh, I didn't know that.
You didn't know I lived 200 miles away from you?
Did you not see it?
And so, so I couldn't say, oh, it doesn't matter.
But for men who are intentional, it does matter.
I've seen men with very intentional profiles.
I've seen men that say, I'm building the kingdom.
I'm a man of God.
If you don't have A, B, C, D,
or you know how men express themselves, right?
And so there are intentional men out there.
And so for all of us who haven't built our dating profile
or who think we may want to revamp it,
put some pictures up.
You want your main profile picture to be one that's lively.
Get a shirt that matches your skin tone,
that makes you pop, that makes you stand out.
And your main profile picture, you know,
just don't, it should not be with a person,
another person, it should just be you.
We shouldn't be struggling to tell who's who, right?
So anyway, let me stick with the notes.
So we're gonna try to build this profile
that really attracts alignment
because clarity creates connection
and confusion creates mismatches.
And then if they are still confused,
you can say goodbye when they talk to you.
So get clear on what you want to express about yourself.
Right?
So you want to stay away from being vague
and you, and just like saying like umbrella-ish thing.
And the one thing I want, let me say this.
Don't be afraid to say,
I'm looking for a marriage-minded relationship
or I am intentional about dating.
I know a lot of times women ask, should I say that?
Should I say that?
Yes, you should say that.
Hey, I date with intentions for marriage.
I am marriage-minded or I date with intentionality.
I'm very intentional in my dating process.
A man who wants something serious, he's gonna,
as he's scanning, he's gonna like to read that.
I know I like to read it when I look at a man's profile
and if he doesn't have anything on there
unless he look really good.
And they're not like on Facebook,
they tell you the music they listen to.
And so now this is me.
A person can tell me,
it depends on what they say
about their relationship with God.
If that don't match up with the type of music
they listen to, I'm just a little concerned about that.
Because there are some artists that certain stuff they say,
there's no way in the world you are listening to that
and you are remotely close to the Lord.
I don't know, like Bad Bunny or certain rap artists
that curse and talk about killing.
Like that just is a mismatched life right there.
Something's not right about that, right?
And so I do base things on,
I will look at a person's music list.
Not if they just listen to old school music,
but, and so that's a discrepancy for me.
But anyway, so I hope I didn't get too far off of that.
Hey, Susan.
So a man who wants something serious,
he is scanning for confirmation.
That's what I was saying.
When I scan, I scan for confirmation, right?
And so you want to be intentional about that.
Clarity may feel like vulnerability, but that's okay.
It'll save you time and energy.
Clarity is kindness, just best put.
So you want to swap out two vague phrases
for real life details.
So instead of saying, I love to travel and have fun,
you can say, I usually take one international trip a year.
I really enjoy traveling to South America because,
you know, I don't know,
cause I'd like to pick fruit or something.
I'm just putting something there, right?
I really like to travel to these parts of the country.
That gives a little bit more,
it takes away the vagueness and it kind of narrows down
more about your personality.
It tells me something about you.
Let's see, this I want to touch on here.
You can add a couple of lines about your actual lifestyle.
So you can say something like this.
On weekends, I usually hit the gym kind of early
because I want to spend the rest of the day relaxing
or I want to spend the rest of the day doing some things
that I enjoy doing, that I don't get to do
through the week, you know, something like that.
So when they say, what do you like to do?
You know, some of my weekends,
I usually like to hit the gym early
and then go spend time with family and friends
when I get an opportunity.
Or you can say something like on weeknights,
I look forward to Pilates, cooking,
whatever you like to do, right?
So you're kind of giving a description
of what your weeknight would look like in one little phrase,
not in a long drawn out sentence.
Why does this matters?
Because people can get an idea
of what life would look like with you.
Without saying this is what life is like with me, right?
So, or if you say early in the morning,
I walk my dog, Bristow, you know,
so that tells a person you're into dogs
or you get up and walk,
or we go to the dog park on Saturdays, right?
So I can tell that you're a dog lover
or whatever animal you have, you really care about them.
You're not trying to sound impressive,
you just want to be accurate and enjoyable
and you want to sound fun.
Have you ever read somebody's profile
and you'd be like, wow, they're fun.
And then you read somebody else's profile
and they'd be like, I like to go hiking, run marathons.
And you'd be like, I was going to try to talk to you,
but I know I ain't going to fit in your world.
I don't even know why they put that on.
They know most people don't run no marathon.
Now, but I just be like,
God, Lee, I want to say something,
but if you expecting that out of me,
it ain't going to work, buddy.
You know, we're not hiking up no mountain.
At least I'm not, I'll see you when you come back down.
I don't mind supporting you in the hike, but my Lord.
So you want to include your faith,
but make it simple, honest, and in an integrated way, right?
So, you know, you want to say,
my faith is very important to me
and the person that I experienced life with,
I will hope to be the same for them.
And you know, my faith in Jesus is very important to me.
I spend, I enjoy spending time in ministry,
building kingdom or doing the work of the Lord
or whatever, however you want to say that.
You can say Sundays usually include going to church.
You can say my Wednesday night
usually includes going to Bible study.
You can say my Saturday mornings
usually include serving the city,
you know, serving the homeless,
serving the disadvantaged,
working at my local foster care center,
something like that.
Then that shows some things about what you like.
So Jackie says that our dating profile
should signal alignment, not control outcomes.
So what does that look like?
When faith, and I'm going to have to read this
in word for word.
When faith becomes overly rigid,
it's often fear trying to create certainty
and that can block healthy connections.
You're not looking for perfect performance.
You're looking for shared values and willingness to grow.
And I think that that's a really big thing right there.
You're not looking for perfect alignment.
You know how sometimes when you do ministry
and you're like, they have to be A, B, C, D.
The only time I think when it is most valuable,
if you know that you've been called to the mission field
and you're pretty much,
you're going to be on the mission field.
Now, even then, if it's a big deal for your spouse
to go on the mission field,
God can always adjust what your mission field looks like.
And so, but you know, you've been called to another country.
You're already in that country, right?
You're already in Iraq.
You're already stationed there.
or wherever you're going to do ministry or because that's a little different. So it's
going to have to be a little bit more, you know, it's going to have to be a little bit
more locked in in that sense. But you want shared value systems.
Just because I'm a minister on a platform doesn't mean you have to be that,
but you do have to be committed to righteousness.
Right? We have a shared value system. So I hope that that is clear.
And then a willingness to grow. And I've said this often,
you're not looking for a perfect person. You're looking for a teachable person,
not teachable by you. You're not the teacher,
but you notice that they have mentors in their life that they send me.
Even though they don't have mentors, they have authority and pastors and leaders and teachers.
Right? They're willing to learn and to grow. They're not stagnant. That means a lot,
because if they're not willing to grow on their own, marriage requires a lot of growth.
It requires a lot of adjustments, a lot of bending. And that even goes for us. I want
y'all to think about that because a lot of times we're looking for marriage-minded men,
but are we being marriage-minded women? If you're unwilling to show grace,
if you're unwilling to forgive, if you're unwilling to bend or to grow,
and if you're still stuck in guarding yourself because of fear, then you may not be as marriage
minded as you would like to be. Now, is there a time and a place for that? Yeah, you're growing
out of that. And that's why you're stepping out on faith and doing the things that you're doing,
because you're coming out of hiding. You're working your way out because you are marriage
minded. And you know that this process is going to require some vulnerability. So you're going to
submit yourself to boundaries so that you can guard your heart without diligence, because you
are stepping out and it is going to sting and you are going to feel their rejection, but you're not
going to identify yourself as rejected. And it is very hard to start talking to somebody, I don't
care if it's a week, and then you have to let it go because you are on a faith journey. And this
faith is built up on the inside of you every Saturday morning, everything we're teaching,
everything you're believing. And of course, you're going to believe when you meet somebody and y'all
start kind of start checking some boxes. Okay, this might could work. And you know that first
month is the most exciting time ever. You could talk on the phone, I don't know, but I feel like
you could talk forever. I don't know what you call that, but it feels good.
So because of that, there's a lot going on right there. Okay. And I don't want y'all to ever think
that that's not an awareness, right? I'm very aware of that. I've experienced it more times
than I could count. And so I understand, and I want you to have fun, but you're going to have
to submit yourself to order and boundaries because if you don't, it's going to cost you more than you
want to pay because it feels so good. It feels so right. And anything has to submit to boundaries.
Okay. I'm not going to get too far out. All right. And so, yeah. So when you do this,
when you share what you're looking for, we are not creating a checklist. We are not doing that.
We're not creating a checklist because that's very intimidating. Even a person who cares it
will reject it because they're like, I'm not trying to meet your standards. You automatically
feel measured. I've looked at people's stuff and I'll be like, I got that, but I ain't going to
give it to them. This woman, you got to be A, B, C, D, and I can be A, B, C, D, E, and F, and G,
but I'm not going to be it for you because I already feel measured and I already feel like
I have to perform for you. It immediately creates a performance mentality. And I'm like,
I'm not going to dance for you. I'm not going to, who are you that I have to meet these requirements
for you? Like, I get offended. Who are you? I don't even know what you carry. I don't even know
who you are. I don't even know if you got the stuff you're trying to tell me that I got to have
to be with you. And it's like, no, don't worry about it. I'll go take my goods somewhere else.
And that's exactly how I respond to that. And so if I'm responding to that, I can't imagine how
a man is responding to a woman that gives this checklist of who he has to be to get to know her.
Okay. And so what we want to do is we want to share what we enjoy. So instead of saying,
I need you to be whatever, A, B, C, D, you will say, I enjoy men who value family,
men who value health and communication.
individuals who value growth and legacy.
I am letting you experience me based on what I enjoy,
and you can determine if you fit anywhere in there.
You can evaluate yourself. Are y'all tracking with me?
Yeah. Okay. It's not a screening test.
It really is.
You're inviting somebody in and see if they align with you.
And then
this is a really good example we have on here.
I'm looking for a relationship where there's consistency,
communication, and we genuinely enjoy doing life together.
Doesn't that sound nice? Yep. It does.
It makes you smile when you hear it. It's like, yeah, I like that too.
I value someone who's emotionally available and communicates well.
Yeah. I know, Roberta. Me too.
Roberta. Roberta. I got you, my student. Yeah.
We talked about using photos.
We don't want to do a lot of filters.
You want to look like yourself for sure.
And you want to pick colors that cause you to pop.
And I want to stop right there for any questions you all may have.
You also want to show photos about...
Show photos maybe of things, not your main photo,
but photos of things you've done. And then I'm going to tell you this.
Another thing you could do is go to ChatGPT.
Type in what you want to say. Say to ChatGPT,
this is everything I want to say about myself.
And then you're going to tell ChatGPT, this is for a dating profile.
I want to sound soft and feminine, but with direction.
Whatever you want to say.
ChatGPT going to spit out to you three different options.
And then you're going to pick the option that you like.
And you want to make sure that you add into there.
I want soft and feminine. Masculine men are attracted to soft,
feminine women. Femininity draws masculinity.
And then when you hear how ChatGPT works,
and you're going to be like, that's me. That's what I want.
So tell ChatGPT who you are, what you're looking for,
what you don't want to sound like, and what you do.
You don't have to say what you don't want to sound like.
Say what you do want it to sound like.
Okay.
What, and I see hands are up probably for coaching,
but who has a question about dating profiles?
Dating profile. If you do, just unmute and go for it.
I have a question, Ebony.
How do you do your profile?
Because I know that there are certain professions
where you're helping people.
And that can be very, I guess, like what you do.
Because I know, I already know you don't put that out there.
So what do you put instead of your profession?
Because I find that sometimes guys will go for that.
Like, what do you do? What's your career?
And then that actually makes me nervous, especially online,
because I've experienced trauma in that area.
And it actually happened.
I'm not going to go to what happened.
I'll save that for later.
But like, how do you guard that where it doesn't end up being the focus
and ends up, and you end up kind of doing what they, your job,
or they end up like, things kind of revolving around your job,
or what you do, or do you even go there at all in your profile?
Oh, well, you know, I'm a teacher by day.
Right.
So I put that I'm a teacher.
Right.
So suppose they ask, so they ask you about your,
so tell me about your career.
Like what, and they are like getting into questions about it
and how was work today?
And every time you try to direct it to finding out about them,
or I think telling them about what you enjoy,
but they're not really.
Oh, well, you just say, yeah, you say, hey,
I would really love to share with you what I do as a career,
but that's part of, parts of my career have to be really be guarded.
And so as we get to know each other better,
that may be something I can open up about,
and they'd be like, guarded.
You, then you'll say, yeah, like if I work for the CIA,
something like that, I wouldn't be able to tell you that.
Okay.
Yeah.
And so it's, vulnerability is a really wonderful thing.
It's a good tool to use and you could just be a front with them
and like, hey, this is what this is.
There are lots of professions where people really can't share
what they do.
They, they can't for, you know, certain reasons.
And so you can say, is that what you mean?
Like you really can't share with them what you do.
Yeah, like I wouldn't want to, because I've had situations too,
like I wouldn't want to go into details about what,
what I do in terms of the, you know, the whole, you know,
I'm a social worker, right?
But what I found is I've, I found is I got mixed.
opinions about that in the past like oh it's good when a guy wants to immerse
you in their lives and they want they want to see like how you can like
partner together in that and like and there's a piece of alignment right where
yeah turn into something but you tell them no like when they you just have to
say no I mean you just have to say what it is when they say it to you Mika yeah
oh hey I totally get your questions I've gotten these before but I really like to
keep this separate my work because it is dealing with people's lives and it is a
sentence of the matter and so let's just talk about something else okay that's
helpful thank you cuz I get the question like oh oh so you oh I can definitely
put you put you to work I have a lot of stuff to work on oh lord like no no I've
heard that before but no my case load is pretty full may I talk about something
else thank you ma'am yeah also I just wanted when she said my profile thought
about all let me read to them what my profile says on on Facebook yeah so it
says I'm someone who loves life and finds joy in meaningful connections
whether there's quality time with family and friends discovering new places or
revisiting old favorites faith is at the center of everything for me prayer
kingdom work and serving others aren't just things I do they're who I am I'm
passionate about life about living a life of purpose and I'm looking for
someone who's walking that same path I'm intentional about dating in very much
marriage minded yeah that's what mine says I used to be the person also
nervous to say oh I'm marriage minded or I'm this but after you date for
discovery for a while you know and you kind of make it through those phases you
do move into a time of dating for spiritual DNA you you there's a time
where you transition into that but this phase when dating for discovery you
really are trying to discover yourself and it's a lot of fun doing it so I had
to do it Jackie was my coach she was the only coach but she's my coach and like
we had like the seven days was like petrifying to me but after I did the
first one I got hooked I was sometimes going like three days a week it took me
so long just to do what she was saying I didn't want to put myself online I
didn't want all this resistance that you know y'all everything I've never said I
always knew it was me and I struggled a lot with oh what if they don't like me
because of my size and but people like different that's like those are all the
thoughts that will run through my mind why I didn't want to post myself I
don't want people just looking at me and realize I look at people and judge them
well I don't judge them but they ain't my type so I have to keep going right or I
look at them be like S.F. I actually look at pictures sometimes like they asking
me out to my please and so I expected not to get there back in return but you
know it's like I got over and so I went on my first day and I was like you gotta
be kidding me I did not know that this was this much fun and so I used to do
three three I always kept three at a time the best will rise to the top the
other one will fall in there the other one fall out I replaced them and now
just keep going so much fun but I learned so much about myself and it
really did change me it changed me a lot so the first time I learned how to
operate in boundaries yeah get a rotation I had to learn how to operate
in boundaries I learned value and honor for myself I watched myself go from
taking really literally crap to elevating in the standard of men and
watching the guy watching God elevate me and restore me and bring me to a
standard that I didn't even know existed and so it was fun it was a lot of fun
and so yeah all things cost and so it you know just come with the cost you
like somebody a lot that didn't work it hurt you know so anyway no more
questions about profiles I always think you can post your profile post your
pictures let us take a look at it let us give you feedback you know us ladies
we know ladies okay we're gonna tell you if they color looks good on you if it's
popping if we can see your eyes if you could look different you know it's all
in the picture baby it is for sure true you know all right so this is the order
that I have I want to start with Karen
Yay, I finally got it unmuted.
Well, I finally posted an online profile, which is a huge step.
Yay!
Went on a date on Friday.
Woo!
Yep.
So, it was encouraging.
The Lord was so kind that there was traction right away.
That was one of my fears, that there would be no traction.
But, so the question though is, I'm finding, like a lot of the other ladies have said,
men don't tend to ask questions, which I've had in the past.
So at what point, do you have any tips for how to get the conversation going or saying,
hey, what would you like to know?
Or like, how do we, it comes down to, finally I just start making statements to see if they'll
ask me a question and they don't.
So then it just goes dry.
Yeah.
Well, don't be afraid of silence.
And my encouragement to you, not to carry the conversation.
It's a lot of work and it's emotionally draining.
We can do it for a while and not notice it, but then when it hits you, you're pretty tired.
So what, and I've just recently had to do this, I say, I've been doing a lot of the
leading.
I'm just going to sit back right now and I would like you to lead in some questions.
You haven't asked me much about myself and I really like, I want to know what you want
to know about me.
Or I would really like it if you ask me some questions.
When you ask me questions, it shows me that you're interested in me.
Even if we haven't met yet.
I don't care if you ain't met yet, you're on the phone, it's like, hey, I've been doing
a lot of the talking.
I would love to hear from you.
As a matter of fact, when guys ask me questions, it lets me know that they're interested in
me.
Open your mouth and let him rise or fall, sink or swim, it's up to him.
Like one of them, I said, I'm a big fan of meeting in person or talking on the phone
or doing a phone call or video call rather than having extended text conversations.
What are your thoughts on that?
How would you like to schedule that?
And it's been quiet.
I mean, he might come back around, but.
Well that was a nice way to put that, you know, evidently he, maybe he didn't want to
do that.
Yeah.
Cause it's been a week.
I was like, well, it's been a week.
It's time for a phone call or a video.
Yeah.
That was a long time.
Yeah.
I would even have to, you talking about y'all texting back and forth on the app?
Yeah.
For a week.
That's a lot of work.
Yeah.
So about like noticing masculinity from this last week, I did notice that the guy that
I went on a date with, like we connected on Monday, we went on a date on Friday.
He said the time he's like, I'll cover your coffee.
Like he was very, um, intentional, so that's nice to notice that.
Yeah.
That was nice.
And it made the conversation comfortable.
It was great.
That's good.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah.
But men can be, I don't know what's up with them and asking questions that I just, it's
true.
But I still, I say the same thing every time, I don't know if you better go get you some
Google or some, I don't know how you get the question.
You better find him.
I don't care if you ask me what my favorite color.
I stopped talking.
I was stopped talking.
I don't care about getting quiet.
We've been, I took a nap on this phone and then after a little while, I'll be like, well,
hey, it's been great.
I see you don't have many questions and you know, like I shared, I'm not planning to move
forward with carrying the conversation, but it was really good while it lasted.
And I hope that when we talk tomorrow that we'll be able to engage in more conversation.
Yeah.
Nice.
One guy's like, are you open-minded?
Hmm.
Open-minded about what?
Why are you open to having a baby?
I'm like, we already covered this two sentences ago.
Okay.
They don't, they don't bliss, they look hard.
He's like, I would love to have another baby.
That's a great ambition.
You don't know me.
Oh, wow.
That is weird.
It was like, wow, you're looking for a baby mama.
That's not me.
I'm looking to be a wife.
I know.
That's true.
I didn't think I'm like, let me ask you about this.
Not just to carry a baby.
He need him a baby mama, he need him a carrier.
That's right.
You can go get yourself a surrogate.
Yeah, that's true.
You know, a guy told me, he said...
He said, I really want a wife.
I said, what do you look forward to in a wife?
I know this, I'm supposed to be listening to you,
but this is what he said.
You know, a wife, she makes the home.
You know, somebody to come home to,
cooks, brings peace to the home.
You know, maybe run your bath water when he got through.
I said, you know what?
I want me a wife too, now that you put it like that.
Right.
I want a wife.
To run your bath water, cook your food, make peace.
I would love to come home to somebody to run my bath water
and cook my food and make peace.
Like, I hear him, but I'm like, I want one too.
He said, what?
I said, I want one too.
That sounds great.
Great.
I want a wife.
If that's the definition of wife, set me up.
Yeah, that's the definition.
But I thought I understood his heart.
He was sharing with her desire.
That's right.
But it was just funny to me when I said that.
He said, what?
I was like, I just want one too.
That's a pretty good thing you got going right there, buddy.
Anyway, go ahead, sir.
No, that was all my questions.
So I'll write that.
I love that we have replays
because I can't write fast enough.
So I will write those prompts down.
Thank you.
Which prompts?
That you said to like go back to have them ask a question.
Like, oh, I've been carrying the conversation.
Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah.
Okay, and I'll try to type it in here.
Awesome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Mika, it's been a while.
Okay, I just had to get unmuted.
I didn't expect to be called so soon.
It has been a while.
Well, I put your name after Karen.
Were you after Karen?
Yes.
Okay, perfect.
Yep, yes, ma'am.
Okay, so I was chatting with this guy on art.
And it's been about three or four days,
maybe three days on art back and forth.
He seemed really nice.
I wasn't really, I'm not a fan of like long distance,
but he was just like, you know, I said that really up front.
I'm like, honestly, I really, at this age in my life,
I think I really don't want to do the long distancing.
But he was like, oh, that won't even be an issue.
I'll fly to you.
And I was like, no, I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving up.
He was like, oh, you're beautiful.
And I always remember what you were saying,
like, that's what guys see, their visuals.
So I'm like, okay.
And, you know, and so, you know, we started off okay.
And I was like, oh, what's your favorite book?
Do you like to read?
And he was like, oh, he was like, yeah,
I enjoy Tony Evans.
And he was able to, I was like, what'd you like about it?
But then again, it kind of got to similar
to what she was saying, like with the question.
It's like, no, no, no, wait a minute, here I go,
asking questions and they'll just be dead silent.
So if I ask, how was your day?
Just questions that are very flat.
That is just like, yes, no, did you hope you had a good day?
I'm like, I did, but like, you know,
and even on my profile,
it says communication is very important.
And so, and so I was like, I just want to be transparent.
I'm not going to be, you know, with the long distance thing.
I would only be able to be where I am.
I'm just transitioning to a new church.
I'm a caregiver too.
So like, where are your roots?
My roots are here.
And he's like, well, my roots will be wherever my wife is.
I'm looking for a wife and a family,
a wife and a family.
He went right to it.
And I was like, oh, okay.
And he said he, he was just like,
he went into like this whole thing about like,
have I ever been engaged before?
And I was like, honestly, I, I think I was like,
we don't have enough relational equity
to really talk about that yet.
I've never been married.
Have you been married?
And he's like, no.
I was like, hey, I was like,
maybe once we get to know each other,
we'll actually have a phone call, actual conversation.
Then we can talk about those things.
But right now I'm interested in just getting to know you.
And so we went back and forth like that for a while.
And then I started dropping the hints about the text message
because it will throw these things out.
Because it will throw these long gaps.
He started having these long gaps.
And then I said, you know what?
I'm not offended.
I was like, so apologize.
I probably shouldn't have said I'm offended
because I don't really know you.
We're getting to know each other.
But, but then I started saying, I was like, you know what?
I'm not really good with the texting, the text messaging.
I'm not the best with text messaging.
Some things were coming up.
I probably should have just broken down
and said I have preferred phone conversations.
And I think like in-person,
because then getting to know someone in-person
is really the best way to go.
So long story short, we kept kind of like,
you know, kind of keyed us around
what he was doing with soccer.
But then today he was like, what do you do?
And I was like, oh, I'm a social worker and help families.
He was like, oh, I want to be a social worker.
for one day too.
And I was like, really?
I was like, so what do you do now?
And he was like, well, I'm into investment and insurance.
And I was like, life insurance?
I'm like, if I'm being negative, it's scary.
I didn't, like, I was like, oh Lord,
oh Lord, I'll be on the news.
What kind of insurance?
I didn't ask what kind of insurance.
But I was like, okay.
And he was like, but I think I wanna switch to social work.
And like I said, I can fly out there.
And I was just like, well,
I was like, do you like what you do?
And he was like, yeah, I like it.
But I just, I was like, what do you like about it?
He was like, I help people.
And I was like, okay.
He was like, I've always wanted to get my MSW.
I'm like, all right.
But to be honest, that actually turns me off.
It was like a turn off for me because I feel like
I kind of, I'm at a phase in my life
where I want you already cooked.
Like there should be a partnership.
Like if I'm already like doing all these things
with social work, I feel like it's gonna be
like a masculine thing.
And I'm gonna be, he's gonna be looking.
So like, you know, like it's gonna, I don't, you know,
I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too far ahead.
So I said, you know what?
I was like, Ana, to be transparent with you,
the distancing is a bigger deal for me
than I realized in the very beginning.
I was like, it sounds like we were just kind of
going back and forth with texts.
And I was like, maybe if I was in my twenties,
you could just kind of see or whatever.
But I'm really at a place right now.
I want to get to know someone right away in person.
And that's just, that's just for me.
And also that's about safety.
And I wish you the best.
You seem, you're a really nice guy.
You seem like you're God fearing.
And I want somebody that you can go to your games,
your soccer games, these games that you're doing
for these kids, because it sounds like it's amazing.
And I honestly, I won't be,
I thought about what you were teaching us
about being able to reciprocate.
And I'm like, I wouldn't be able to reciprocate
flying out and not fully knowing you.
That's too much.
I wouldn't be able to risk that.
I don't feel comfortable making a risk like that.
And yeah, and so, and so I was like, yeah.
So I was like, I wish you the best,
but get this, it gets better.
So I matched him.
Dude found me on LinkedIn.
Hmm.
Yes, requested me on LinkedIn.
I'm like, how did he do that?
Should I be, should I be nervous?
Should I flag it?
Should I see it as that's a wonderful thing?
Or I don't know.
I shouldn't say, should I see it as persistence
and mask him trying to step up?
He was like, he was like, I know.
He acknowledged about the communication thing online.
And then he was just like, you know,
he was going on and trying to,
when he realized I was pulling away, then he was going in.
But some guys enjoy the chase.
He was showing me who he was the past four dates.
I was like, I was like natural connection.
Something that happens organically.
I don't want to have to pull and force.
Like you said, that's exhausting.
I don't have the energy to be finding out
and asking questions.
I do that for work.
Like, you know, so I don't know.
I just want your opinion.
Do you think I should give him another chance on LinkedIn?
I feel like a step is missing.
Like I've said.
No, no, no.
You don't want to be involved because of the distance.
Just leave that alone.
What is your opinion about the whole process?
I think I'm reaching out your LinkedIn
and we haven't even had a phone conversation yet.
Hey, say that again.
I'm sorry.
It went out a little bit.
He found me on LinkedIn
or from the app to LinkedIn.
When I unmatched him, he found me.
Oh, when you unmatched him.
Yeah, because he said something.
And then I was just like, I was like,
oh, I wish you the best.
He was like, he was like, I don't mind flying out.
He's like, I am financially independent.
Cause he's right.
Like when you start talking about going to school,
it does give off, I'm not secure or something stable.
Something's off for career or whatever.
Like I would be carrying him at one point or something.
But I didn't say that.
But he said it.
He was like, he acknowledged the weakness
in our interactions on the app.
And then I was like, no, I didn't even reply.
I just unmatched him in the conversation.
It pulls it.
None of my information was anywhere,
but he found me on, like I said, he found me on LinkedIn.
Maybe he could put it in my picture or image or something.
I'm like, how does he find me on LinkedIn
without your information?
Probably just did some really good research.
This puts you at ease.
I know a lot of women who research men
and they're not trying to kill them.
This is true.
We got some investigators on this screen
written in to know everything about these men.
Pads, who they auntie is, who they cousin is, baby.
I used to be an investigator.
I used to know who their next door neighbor was
and I wasn't trying to kill them.
And so I'm just telling you, he is not out to kill you.
So it's okay.
He could have just investigated you.
It's true.
Actually it is wisdom, right?
So technically I should be the best.
to get it done while they were on the app too.
Well, you don't have to.
It's unnecessary.
It's a lot of energy for a lot of nothing.
OK.
Thank you.
That's how I do it.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
You do?
Yeah.
I mean, you got serious about somebody
and you wanted to look up something.
But looking up every person you talk to on the app,
conversation could last a week or two weeks.
No, but yeah, the distance is going to get you.
The point is, is the distance is the issue.
So no, you shouldn't give them another chance.
That's settled in your heart.
That's a done deal.
That's a non-negotiable for you.
Yeah.
So not settling in your heart is a non-negotiable.
And you're not going to miss anything.
Oh, you're welcome.
Lovetta.
I'm sorry.
I had to figure out how to unmute myself again.
You're OK.
So for the last four weeks, I've been talking with Estella.
And my insecurities are starting to pop in.
We did minimal chatting back and forth online.
And it was, I think, a week or two ago.
And it was, I think, right around Easter.
All of a sudden, he just says, would you
like to have a phone call?
And I just said, I love that.
Shot on my number.
And within five minutes of me putting the number on the app,
he was calling my phone.
So we've had very good conversations.
We've been chatting for about four weeks now.
We have gotten together in person.
He is about two hours away.
And there is lapsing and texting.
And he is very busy.
I can understand that.
And he did say sometimes he gets emotionally drained.
And he apologizes if he doesn't reach out from time to time.
But my insecurities are seriously
starting to kick in because another date is not planned.
And it's been a little over a week.
But there is a lot going on in his life.
I'm sorry.
How long have y'all been talking?
About four weeks.
And we've been on one date.
He lives a little over two hours away.
And he drove all the way here and spent
about two and a half hours having dinner with me
and then drove home that evening.
So it is quite a drive.
He is a prosecutor.
So he's got a very intense job.
His days get long in court and taking care of case files.
Along with that, he's also applied for two different jobs
and been going to job interviews the last couple of weeks.
And now is in the process of putting his home up for sale.
And he also flips homes.
So he's trying to work on the floor and stuff
so he can make a little bit of a profit off of it.
So my insecurities are really starting
to rise because I've never dated a man of this caliber before.
And he really likes that I'm not overly demanding
that he's texting every day and I'm not flipping on on him.
How often does he communicate with you?
Usually every two to three days.
I'll hear from him.
And then I'm sorry, I did a big loop.
Keep talking.
Every two to three days, he'll text you?
No, yesterday he messaged me and we messaged yesterday.
And then in the evening, it just kind of fell off.
And then he responded this morning
kind of messaging back and forth throughout the day.
But I do know that there's a lot going on in his life.
And when he gets home, he's probably
trying to get stuff done because he's
putting his house on the market.
So I'm very understanding with that.
But just my insecurities are stepping in.
We're just in the process of getting to know each other.
Nothing's exclusive at this point.
So how do I reel myself in?
Well, does he have time for dating right now in his life?
Because it sounds like he may not.
That's what I'm curious about.
Well, OK.
So that needs to be your question.
And if he does have time for dating,
then regardless of whatever he has going on,
then he's saying he's committed to making time for that.
So that should be the question you ask.
I want to say this to all of us ladies.
Sometimes we believe.
that our insecurities are popping up are.
But sometimes when your nervous system
gets a little out of whack, it's not always you.
It is the lack of direction from the man.
It is because there's no direction.
You don't know which way you're going.
And that sends off an alarm to your nervous system.
Because a man who comes and brings clarity,
you will see you are not triggered.
Your nervous system is calm and at peace
because he's providing direction for you.
And when there's a lack of direction and clarity,
you will find yourself becoming very anxious, very nervous,
like we call it nervous or anxious.
But you're going to feel it.
And your system is starting to get wonky.
But a man that comes in and provides that leadership,
he's clear about what he wants.
I am you.
Don't have that.
And I just want you all to be mindful,
be aware that that can also create that in you.
You could feel those things happening in you.
Now, you have the responsibility to take care
of your nervous system and to attend to you.
You can attend to yourself.
But I want us to be mindful not to always put something on us.
Notice when something outside of us
that our system is responding to and saying, not safe,
not safe, not safe.
That's what your system is saying, hey, hey, hey.
I know this place.
This feels familiar to me.
I know this.
And it's sending alarms out to you.
And you think, get yourself together.
It's OK.
You need to calm down.
Don't act like that.
Your system is just requiring some attention.
Right?
And so if somebody is only texting you
every three to four days.
And honestly, I'm OK with that because I
don't like the endless texting that goes nowhere.
So when he does, and here's what I want to clarify.
When he is texting, he seems to be intentional about
conversation, asking how I'm doing,
like if I tell him something's going on in my life,
like I just got my vehicle back.
He's like, well, how much was the bill?
I could have probably done it better.
And I'm thinking, well, we're not exclusive.
So he was curious in what was repaired
and how bad I got gypped.
So I think there is, I would say he's
led with more clarity than most men that I've dated.
And I like that texting every day endlessly about nothing.
Well, I would prefer a phone call
because y'all look a good age.
So no one should be texting endless in my opinion
unless that's your preferred form of communication.
But I do want to say this.
The question needs to be raised if he's interested
and is he relationship minded or marriage minded?
Because if he says yes,
then there needs to come with some intentionality.
And I'm not sure that I'm convinced texting somebody
every three or four days is intentional.
And I will tell you this,
I know I'm pretty sure it won't build a relationship.
So whether you like it or not,
it's going to be really hard to build a connection that way.
So what does that mean?
You're left with filling in the blanks.
What could be, what I do like.
You hold on to the things that he does say.
You got to hold on to some script
to wait for another three to four days
because his life is so busy.
And he has this going on and that going on
and this going on and that going on.
Or this, that and all the other doesn't matter
when a person wants to build connection with you.
You're not going to be able to build connection this way.
And you're left by yourself to piece something together
to hang on that long,
unless you are dating someone else and it doesn't matter.
And so if you are dating someone else,
I can see how you can go three or four days
without talking to a person
because it really doesn't matter.
But if you are not, LaVetta,
you have to be mindful
that you're not building a story without him.
Because if that's the case,
you're actually doing more work in your emotions
than he is doing in your natural physical process.
And so you're going to have to see what he wants
or fall back to his pacing
and talk to someone who wants to build connection with you.
Well, I guess I'm confused
because you guys talk about pacing within the same token.
I've had guys blown on my phone for a month on end
when I'm getting a phone call.
Him and I actually have a couple phone calls a week.
I can't hear you.
You say you actually what?
We've had at least two phone calls every week.
For the last two phone calls a week. Yeah, about an hour, hour and a half long. Okay,
so you just introduced that information. Yeah, we have been talking on the phone. And then
in between, like, we'll lapse like a day or two, and then we'll do some texting. And I'll
be like, hey, we'd love to hear your voice can connect and then we'll make a phone call.
Okay, so this added information you do understand what you told me was he only takes you every
three to four days? Well, I had mentioned at the beginning that we had phone calls.
I didn't hear that. So he takes you every three or four days and you talk to him twice
a week a week at least for an hour and a half. Yeah, we have. What is we have or we do? Oh,
we have the last couple weeks. The last conversation we had was on Saturday. And then before that
you had a conversation when on the Tuesday before that, it was like Friday before that,
we actually had a date on the Sunday. So I saw him forward. And I don't know if it's
a lot on his part. I think it's just me getting nervous. Okay, what are you nervous about?
I don't know. I think it's just one of these. Oh, you know, got a really good job and I'm
smart, very smart. Maybe I'm not worthy. Mm hmm. And so if we're going to go down that
road, what was happening here is you don't feel worthy of his vocation. Okay, because
at the end of the day, whether a person is a lawyer, a judge, pastor, a preacher, and
let's say a president, whatever you want to call it now, certain levels of people, your
level, okay, what I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to say that part. What
I'm telling you at the end of the day, they're a person, they're an individual. And when
they show up in your life, they're going to, if he's a, if somebody is a lawyer, when
they come into your house, if they're your husband, they're not a lawyer in your house,
they're John in your house. They ain't a lawyer. They titled on coming to their responsibility
as a husband. They ain't got nothing to do with it. That's what they do. It's not who
they are. You understand? It's what they do, not who they are. And so I'm saying that to
you so we can deal with this unworthiness. And if you feel unworthy of him, I want you
to stop talking to him because in your unworthiness, you will accept less than heaven's best for
you. And I absolutely mean it. If this cannot be resolved, you, I encourage you to stop
talking to him. You are setting yourself up for abuse in every way, because there's no
way you can use anything properly. When you feel unworthy of it, you don't even feel deserving
of a thing. That means you can't find value in it because you don't find value in you.
Everything is skewed. You know, when a man doesn't feel like he deserves a woman, a lot
of time, those type of men don't treat that woman well because he has no value for it.
He doesn't even have value for himself. So how can he value this thing? How can he see
the value of it? Does that make sense? So if you, and if you feel unworthy of him, you're
going to accept a lot of things you shouldn't be accepting. I just, I want to say that.
What do you think about when you hear that? Because I'm about to repeat the same thing
and that's not going to be helpful. When you hear that, what are your thoughts?
But that's the case. That's something that I have to work on me. I don't know if it means
I need to stop talking to him because I'm into this with other men as well. Not just
the man who's caliper. I felt unworthy.
Well, you say, are you telling me every man that you talked to, you don't
feel worthy of?
Not every one of them,
but the ones I really seem to like.
The ones you think even if, okay,
let me give you an example.
If the man you really liked worked at a convenience store,
would you feel unworthy of him?
Possibly, yeah.
No, well, we do have, yeah.
What do you feel unworthy about?
Do you feel like, what is it that makes you unworthy?
So I feel unworthy because...
I don't know how to answer that right now.
All right, let's make a post
so that you and I can start conversating about that.
I'm gonna give you some questions to explore
so that we can kind of,
there'll be some filling in the blank,
kind of give you a sentence stem,
and then you fill it in
so we can get to the bottom of that.
I won't be able to convince you of your worthiness,
but I can help us lay out what the root of this is,
and then we can deal with it.
We can take an ax and chop it down.
Yeah, and then we can plant new seeds.
They're gonna produce new fruit in your life.
I am concerned that he only calls you once a week.
I'm concerned that he only texts you
every three to four days.
And I'm interested to see
how you're gonna build something solid with it.
If you feel unworthy, I'm concerned about that.
And if you're holding onto it
because you think it's the best thing
that ever happened to you, I'm concerned about that.
And so those thoughts flow back and forth
because if you feel unworthy,
you also believe that this is so good.
And my thought process, you may not feel that way.
I'm not trying to put thoughts on you,
but there's an even highway, there's an even flow.
And so, and I do want you to ask him,
has he told you if he wants to build anything with you?
If he's married to you?
Well, at this point,
he's like, we're just getting to know each other.
He's like, we don't really know each other yet.
So he's wanting to pace things as well,
which is fine with me.
It's like, I'm glad that he's not like
blowing up my phone every day.
Yeah, I hear you,
but this is not about blowing up your phone every day.
This is about intentionality.
And I want us to get that clear.
Blowing up your phone every day could be love bombing.
It could be an attachment style for a person.
They just want to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Okay, which does speed up the pace.
But when you ask somebody, so like,
hey, what are you actually looking for?
Are you marriage minded?
Are you dating for a committed relationship someday?
I'm not asking you for anything right now.
I'm just wanting to know what is your goal?
Yeah, we already had that conversation.
Okay, that's what I was just asking you about.
And what did he say?
Yeah, he's looking for a relationship.
Seems to be marriage minded,
but we're in the process of getting to know each other.
I did let him know that that is my end goal.
I don't know if it's with him.
My intent is to get to know him as a person.
But the end result would be I am looking for marriage.
So if marriage is something
that you're never wanting to do again,
or isn't in your plan, then he seems to be okay with that.
He's looking for a relationship.
But ultimately, we're just in the process
of getting to know each other, so.
Hey, Lavea, okay, let me say something.
You don't have to defend to me
what y'all in the process of doing.
I'm concerned that when you do that,
that you're not operating in the reality of things with me.
So there's a direct question on the table.
Is he marriage minded or not?
Not does he want to date someone long-term.
You're not looking for a long-term relationship.
You wanna know.
Oh, he's marriage minded.
Now, you just said that to me, but you never
told me what his answer was.
Because if you threw out to him what you just said,
unless you're saying this to me and you didn't actually
say it to him, if you said to him, my end goal is marriage
and he said nothing back, then that's a concern.
I know that you're in the beginning stages.
I'm not asking you to speed anything up.
But I am your editor.
I catch what you cannot see.
And I am not interested in you going down
a path with a man who is not marriage minded.
So that means if you were two months in,
that means two months of you were tied up in that.
And you're going to have to recover from it.
And so knowing that he's marriage minded,
it has nothing to do with going ahead of time.
It lets you know the type of person you're working with
and how much you should invest of you.
So you can still talk to him if he's not marriage minded.
But you can now know how to invest yourself properly.
Right?
And so after you put in time, you
won't come back with unmet expectations.
So let me go back and ask the question again.
Did he say he was marriage minded or not?
Or y'all didn't really talk about it?
He more asked me.
So I guess.
You say what now?
More or less.
He asked me.
What you were looking for.
Yeah.
And I don't remember if I asked him that.
So maybe that's something I need to ask him.
I think that in one of those one hour conversations
y'all are having, I think it would be really good to say,
hey, I didn't get any clarity on this.
And I know you asked me about my intentions.
But I also would like to know about your intentions.
And I'm not looking for a commitment or anything
from you right now.
We're just getting to know each other.
But are you marriage minded?
And if so, when do you look to be married?
I was talking to a guy.
And he was great.
He treated me so good.
I liked him a lot.
And I always have wanted a Hispanic.
And he was Hispanic.
And so I just really like Hispanic men.
And he was a little chubby too.
I don't know why I like the little chubby, chubby ones.
And I don't like chubby Black men.
But when they're Hispanic, they just be so cute.
Like a little teddy to be.
And so you know how they talk.
It just makes me happy.
And so I was like, are you marriage minded?
He plays on a worship team, really great guy
in ministry and stuff.
He was like, yeah, in about five years.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's married minded in five years.
I said, bro.
I said, let me talk to you like a sister in Christ right now.
I said, I can't ride with you.
He said, what you mean?
I said, I ain't finna be with you for five years.
And what you think we supposed to do them five years?
You going to have sex with you?
Like, what you planning on doing?
Because I ain't sleeping with you,
and I ain't going to be with you five years
without sleeping with you.
So that ain't going to work for me.
Like, he was just like, oh.
So I'm just giving you an example of how smooth that was.
It's just, it's nothing to that, right?
And then I quickly just moved down.
So let me talk to you like a sister in Christ.
I ain't finna wait for no man for no five years.
I don't encourage nobody to do that.
But that was his bottom line.
He said, I'm not getting married before five years.
And we gracefully split.
Because I wasn't finna stay with him for five years.
And so, and God forbid you give up two years
and before you know it, then you ain't married
and you done wasted two years with somebody.
So anyway, that's what I'm saying to you, Lovette.
I want you to get, just get that clear.
And,
please do.
And post.
So we can get to the bottom of the unworthiness.
And you made a lot of breakthrough in this area.
And I don't want you to lose ground.
And sometimes we think we're really struggling
when the enemy is coming back to take ground from us.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
So you'll start believing it's you,
but you, you made a lot of ground in this.
You covered a lot of ground in this area.
And so.
Yeah, because, I mean,
the last guys I've dated off the apps and stuff,
I've known my worth, I think,
because this one is of a higher caliber.
It's, you know, like,
Yeah, he may have a higher job title, but I want you to know that the foundations for
a husband, there are people with job titles, owners of companies, they get divorced every
day.
They get divorced every day because it takes a special skill set to do the institution
of marriage.
And I need you to remember that because it doesn't matter what title he has out there
in the world.
What matters is if he's integrious, if he's honorable, if he's teachable, if he's righteous,
if he's a leader, who he is on the inside, right?
And so I hear you about that title, but the title ain't going to be worth a hill of beans
when he take on the title as husband, because it's going to trump that.
And that's when the rubber is going to meet the road.
And so I just need you to grab a hold to that truth.
All right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
Joanne.
Hi, it's been a while.
Hey, hey.
Hi.
So I have a couple questions.
Okay.
The first one is I'm excited.
I'm going on a date with the guy this Sunday, but this is a more general question.
The first question is general.
It's like, it's always awkward after a date and it's like, okay, what do you do now?
Say goodbye?
Like, do you wait for the guy to initiate, like, oh, you know, you want to see each other?
Because sometimes guys who are interested, they don't immediately ask, you know, ask
me out again, but some guys, because they're not interested in something more, they find
out something doesn't seem the line, then they don't really say anything in the moment.
You know what I mean?
So do you recommend, like, just to not say anything and be like, I had a good time.
Okay.
Talk to you later.
Yeah.
So Jackie teaches when we, you know, get home or whatever, we just shoot a message and tell
them that we enjoyed the date.
Okay.
Yep.
So, hey, it was a really great date.
Would love to do it again someday.
Or even if you're on the phone with him.
So it's a really great date.
Would love to do it again.
And so they already know that you are interested in having another date with them.
And so that's not up for question.
Okay.
So, well, this guy's driving about an hour and a half to see me.
So should, I think I would say something like, oh, text him when you get home because I want
to make sure he's got home safely.
No, no, he's not a child.
He's not a woman.
He's a man.
Okay.
So, so just text him like, the point is, should I know you should not, you can if you want
to, but he's a man.
Right.
Okay.
Uh huh.
Okay.
So, so do you think I should wait until he gets home and text that to him or, I don't
know what you should do.
You can do either one, but I'm telling you, you don't have a responsibility that is kind,
but he's not a woman.
He's not a child.
And so you can, you can say that to him.
I just wanted to get rid of, I should, no, you don't have to.
It is kind, but men aren't like women now.
They're not, he's a man.
Just remember that part.
And so when he, when you think he's made it home, just say, hope you made it home safe,
you know?
Okay.
You know, I just think when we say text me when you make it, you know, it's just a very
feminine thing to me.
What are your latest things?
Do y'all think that's pretty feminine?
What do you think, Ms. Bunny?
You can school us.
You think?
Yeah.
Ms. Bunny was married for 36 years.
Like, tell us something.
I agree with you, Ebony.
It is a feminine thing and most men are not going to respond to that in a good way.
It puts them on the hook for making sure they get back to you at a certain time for
one thing.
For another, it's like you are acting like there might be problems with them making it
home.
And that is giving him the masculine viewpoint of himself that he would want you to have,
I don't think.
Okay.
Yeah.
That was so good, Ms. Bunny.
I'm so glad I asked you.
I'm so good!
Thank you!
Oh, I'm so good, I gotta tell the team about this, darling!
Oh, I have to watch the replay!
I know it didn't sound right, but I didn't know it like that.
Yeah.
Don't do it, Joanne.
I know you a little hard-headed sometimes.
I won't do it.
Can I ask you a question?
I won't, I'm listening, I'm trying, okay.
The next question is about dating Catholic men, okay?
So I'm very charismatic.
Yeah, I'm charismatic, so.
You know it ain't gonna work out, Joanne.
What?
You know it ain't gonna work out for you!
No!
How are we gonna stop this stuff?
Joanne, look at you, you're trying to say something bad.
It's just because, I mean, he's like,
you know, I live in the mecca of software engineers
in Silicon Valley, and I find them endearing.
They're like stable, they're a little boring,
quirky, autistic, but they're like committed.
My dad was kind of like that, so I'm like,
he has his qualities, but this whole like going to mass
and Catholicism, I'm not sure if I can do that
because I'm so free, I'm like getting on my seat
and dancing and painting, waving my flag sometimes,
that that's the way I like to worship.
I don't go to a church that's like full out like that,
but I'm just like, I don't know if I can do this.
And I find out that a lot of Catholics
don't have a practice of reading the word,
and that's sort of like very different than me,
you know what I mean?
But you're like, no, don't even consider it, Joanna.
You can ask him, me buddy like, no,
you can ask him, he may have been wanting,
I mean, you can ask him,
he may have been wanting to break out of Catholicism.
He may not require for you to transition over
to Catholicism, but if you're gonna do that,
I want you to be mindful of what you're choosing
and live with your choice.
I mean, if we're gonna process it this way,
if you wanna date him, go on a date with him or whatever.
But if you're talking about being marriage-minded
with this young man, you're gonna have to get
some things straight and come into his world,
trying to change him and tell him who he needs to be
based on who you are.
Right.
That's been my past and I don't wanna do that.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
He's very fixed on his Catholic church.
And I said, well, I kind of go to worship
where it's like a rock band, you know?
And he was like, well, that's not my cup of tea.
But you know, I find a lot of guys will say this
in the beginning, I'll do whatever for the right lady.
I'll travel whatever distance, I'll do whatever.
I'll have another kid, you know,
cause they're like close to 50s, right?
Right.
I'll have another kid that's with a bride lady.
They always say that.
And then I'm like, well, are you really?
You know?
Yeah.
Uh-uh.
Nah, me brother said, leave it alone.
Okay.
Joanne, do you know you're gonna try to change him?
I already know what you're gonna try to do.
Well, I introduced him to this program,
but I think that's okay.
It is okay.
There might be, we have Catholics in the program, I'm sure.
There's nothing wrong with being a Catholic.
The problem is you're charismatic
and he's told you what he's committed to.
Yeah, I know.
Joanne, I am also charismatic.
Don't do it.
You don't mess, honey.
You don't mess.
Okay.
Thank you, Ms. Buddy.
We need wisdom around here,
especially for Joanne cause she got it.
I'll be telling you that right now.
She was like, we went on a date.
It was so fun.
But now I don't know what to do
because I really need to break up with him
because he says he's not gonna switch.
I don't wanna hurt him.
I don't know.
I should've done it.
I should've listened to you.
Okay, okay.
You guys know what's up.
Okay, can I ask you one more question?
Yeah.
Okay.
So,
I kind of think I know what you're gonna say,
but like, okay, so on the online things,
there guys will be like
quick to just give me their number, you know?
Like after like two exchanges,
they're just like, oh, call me, text me, you know?
I wanna, I don't know, or ask me out already.
I'm like, yo, like we don't even know each other.
So I'm like, oh, I would like to ask you,
I'd like to, you know,
to know you a little bit before we exchange numbers. But then I feel like the questions
I asked may be a little too intense. And I asked, you're like, yeah, that's probably right.
Like I asked things like, well, do you want kids? That's one of the things because that is sort of
like a factual thing. Like a lot of guys realize, okay, I don't want kids. So why are we talking
more? So it's in a way, it's a time saver. The other thing I will ask is about the,
do you believe in the gifts of the Holy Spirit are alive? You know, because, okay.
Yes. All right. Do you want to ask about kids? Fine. You can say something like, you know,
I really look forward to having a family and having children. What are your, your take on
children? This about the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I really encourage you to steer away
from that question. The reason why is I will prefer that your non-negotiable be someone
that's committed to righteousness. The gifts of the spirit are things that people grow in.
Even if they don't have it, a man that's committed to righteousness is a man that hears from the
Holy Spirit. And you can get a man who does, who has gifts of the spirit and working his life
in his heart is far from the Lord. There are men of God who lay hands on the sick and see them
recovered. They cast out demons, but the Bible says that in the last days, he's going to say,
depart from me, you worker of iniquity. I never knew you. They have double families.
They have multiple wives. They have homosexual partners. And I'm really encouraging you to
find your foundation in men that are rooted in righteousness. We grow in the spirit.
The spirit is a, is a very interesting thing because you can be hearing one thing and you
can be off. You can be hearing some from another direction. If you're not rooted in community,
you come back with all this confusion. I thought I heard the Lord say what I thought I heard the
Lord say. Now I thought I heard the Lord say, and I thought I heard the Lord say
righteousness, wisdom, community, and prophecy all work together. And so.
Well, the reason why I asked that is because, not because I want somebody to be,
you know, they don't have to be operating the gifts of the spirit. I just know I can't be
with someone who is a sensationalist. That's the issue for me. Like I've met guys, they're like,
no, no. And I'm like, well, I got radically healed. So you're saying I'm a liar. Like I
can't be with somebody who's like, no, there was no prophecy. No, you can't speak in tongues. Cause
I'm like, well, that's what I do almost every day. So is that a two, a one or two alpha,
this is very common in the area that you're in. What was that? Say that. Did you have a question?
Is this a one or two out thing? Or is this very common in the area that you live in?
Um, no, I've met several, I would say 30% of the men that I've, um, encountered at least 30% of
the men that I'm encountering on online dating are like, no, I do not believe in the gifts of
the spirit. And they start like debating. And I'm like, I'm not here to debate, dude.
Okay. So, okay. So I didn't know that like, for me, um, I don't generally,
I don't ask people stuff like that, but, um,
I personally believe that you can hold off on that question.
Okay. I just, it just seems intrusive to me when you're first talking to a person,
do you believe in the gifts of the spirit? Huh? But if you feel passionate about it,
you continue. I don't live in your culture. Like I don't know these people where you are.
It's different here in Texas. I mean, I, I'm not saying everybody takes believing the gifts of
the spirit. And there are people who are sensationalists. I just, I feel that it's
better at another time. Okay. Okay. But
I, I'm hearing you. I'm still processing while I'm talking and I'm reading your body language too.
And so I could tell that it means a lot to you. I'm trying to strike a balance
because you know, the environment you live in. And so I was first speaking
from the environment that I live in. And so
Uh, I'll, I'll take this back to the team and I'll, I'll give you a response. Um,
I don't think it should be a political.
Um, I'm just, I'm just just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just,
Let me check with the team and share something with you a little more solid and have a little
more reasoning that you can choose to agree with or not.
I don't prefer you agree just because I say, hey, you shouldn't.
And I don't think you will.
I think that you need, you know, things to weigh out as to why.
Well, I think that the core reason why I see, I really don't have a whole lot of time on
my schedule to just talk to all these different guys and go on these different days.
Well, you know, you say that, Joanne, but you've been doing it for a long time.
So I believe you do have time and you spend, you've been doing this, like you have time
to do it.
So I know you feel like if I asked you this question about, do you believe in the gifts
of the spirit, it's going to save me time, but they hadn't got, they still don't get
you anywhere.
You still don't know, you still haven't observed their character.
You so, and I'm going to help you explain something.
If a man is a cessationist, but he honors you, he leads his home well, he does all the
other things.
I think it's going to be really, and he lets you be free in who you are.
Who knows what your life will do in his life to help bring him over.
What I'm saying is you don't know how God has designed the setup and what you're helping
hands will do to cultivating your husband.
I'm not saying you should choose a sensationalist, but what I'm saying to you, you're putting
a lot of weight on the back of something that doesn't carry as much as you think it does.
Because just because he doesn't believe in the gifts of the spirit doesn't mean he's
going to hinder you.
That's my fear.
And I'm kind of wondering, I'm confused.
How is that different than being with a Catholic who is open to the gifts of the, who believes
in the gifts of spirit?
I'm like, isn't that kind of similar to someone who's a cessationist?
No.
Cessationists, they don't believe in the gifts of the spirit, but they can believe in everything.
A Catholicism is almost another type of doctrine.
First of all, in Catholicism, if a person is a cessationist, they still believe Jesus.
They still believe Jesus is the savior of the world, period.
Catholics still pray to Mary.
Catholics still pray to the saints of old.
Catholics still have a priest in place.
Jesus is the high priest.
Catholic has taken both worlds and pulled them together.
Those are different belief systems.
And so that's not a comparison.
When you take a cessationist, they're just saying, I don't believe in the gifts of the
spirit that they died at with the apostles.
I'm not saying one is better than the other, but when you try to compare them, those are
two different things.
And a person can be a cessationist and make a wonderful husband.
So you wouldn't also, like disqualified guy who says he's Christian, but doesn't really
go to church and all that.
You wouldn't just knock them out right away.
You would just be like, okay, let me get to know you.
But they say, I'm a Christian, I go to church, I don't really practice abstinence and whatever.
I don't know.
So this is a thing here of extreme.
So we're not comparing.
Let's make that clear.
Okay.
So then your next question is, would I choose a person who's not committed to ministry?
I would not do that because my spiritual DNA does not allow for that.
Now somebody else who doesn't mind that may do it, doesn't make them less righteous.
That's just how they roll.
And that's where they are in Christ.
That's not where I am.
I have a mandate on my life.
I operate in ministry.
That's not going to work.
That doesn't work for me.
And so you have to decide.
So if somebody, but I'm telling you the weight you're putting on sensationalism.
So because we're not comparing, the weight you're putting on a sensationalist, I don't
think it is just to put that type of weight on something to ask somebody that when you're
first meeting them.
That's a pretty intrusive question.
That's the difference between my faith is important to me and I value the person that
I have in my life.
They need to value that as well.
And so I don't want us to get into comparing and say because of one, because of the other,
because that doesn't make well for decision.
That's not wise.
So I'll give you some greater feedback on that when I talk to the other coaches.
And it's still your choice to ask that if you want.
No, I really appreciate this feedback because I do think that I'm probably asking too much
too soon as a way to like, whatever, for my reasons.
So but yeah, but then I start thinking, wow, I've really not even given guys a chance to,
I don't know if they even go, they'd say they don't know.
even go to a church. They don't, they've kind of just doing their own thing and they don't
really have community. So then I'm like, okay, so should I, should I give them more opportunity
to get to know? I don't know. This community thing, most men
don't have community. That is very common with men. But it doesn't mean that they won't
come into community. And so then you have to measure a man's willingness to come into
community. But most men don't do community. That's just nature of me and they will get
out to themselves. But post any more questions that you have. It is 836 and I say that three
more people. All right. Thank you. You're welcome. Alexandria, are you on your way to
Austin? Well, almost, but I got an in-person interview.
So that's exciting. When you get here, I'm going to take you to dinner for your, for
your new job. I would love that, Ebony. So much. Yeah. Yeah.
That's actually what I wanted to talk about. Well, one celebrate with you guys. Thank you
so much. I see Rosanna's hearts. Thank y'all. It's a huge deal. Cause I felt stuck in Tyler
through spiritual warfare and all sorts of stuff. I've been here for seven years. So
trying to get out is like, it's a really big step. I'm emotional, but
Oh, hold on, Alexandria. One second. Ladies, it's 837. Please feel free to dismiss yourself,
but they waited for a while. So I want to grab their questions, but you are free to
go. Yeah. So yeah, it's a big, it's just been,
it was hard to, I told my supervisor, it's just been hard to do. But anyway, my supervisor,
I told her, cause we have a unique relationship. I was like, you know, I'm thinking of applying.
And so, um, she was like, she was like, okay, like, have you applied yet? And I was like,
Oh, like I have to apply. Like it's just been like this weird process. So I applied and
then I got, um, I got an interview with her and I think my expectations were just this.
And so why I'm bringing this up is this actually what I wanted to talk about. Like, so I can
do this with dating as well. If I get really excited about something and I think it's the
right thing to do, I've prayed about it. It feels right. Um, so like after the interview,
it was like this pending, like, we'll talk to you maybe in a week or a month. And I was
like not okay for like four, for however many days, this was Thursday of last week. Um,
and I guess just kind of wanted some insight on that. Like I would try to bring myself
back in prayer. I tried to just like let what was coming up, come up with God and be like,
you know, just trust issues thinking is he really, does God really care about these desires
of mine? You know, this is in human hands and it's really out of my control. Um, it
just was very hard to wait. I was, I think I've been nauseous for like four days and
like just really anxious. Um, so I guess my concern is I can do the same thing with a
guy of like, I get really excited about a guy and I think it's right and I want it and
I have that anxious attachment situation. And like, I just was basically like, I mean,
I did pretty good, but you know, I feel like a crazy person and um, it just makes me concerned
for if I meet this person that I'm really excited about and I see it's right and I want
it. How in the world am I going to like chill out? Like I'm just really nervous for that.
So, so what you do is you just keep yourself in community and you hold yourself accountable
to your community and you run everything by your community. You take yourself out of the
authority seat and you give authority to someone in your community and you submit yourself
to what they say and you do it religiously because you know how you handle it. Submit
yourself to them and do what they say. Okay. They're going to, they're going to help you
navigate. Okay. Yeah. Cause I lost my, my brains, but then she got back to me finally,
um, today after I had sent up a followup email and she said, yeah, you know, we'd like to
offer you an in-person interview. So I feel much better now. I'm not as scared, you know,
it's still nerve wracking, but I feel much more at peace. There was something about this
like I expected something different from the interview. I thought it was going to be much
more straightforward. So anyway, I don't know what, what triggered it. I guess. I don't
know if you can, if maybe it was more of a normal reaction cause it was such an unknown
and it wasn't supposed to be like, it's my same organization I work for now. I was expecting
like a transfer and it ended up being.
an hour and a half, 22 questions, director, two supervisors.
Wow.
Yeah, it was a lot.
And I just wasn't expecting it.
Oh, thanks Mika.
I just saw the congrats.
I haven't been able to read all the messages.
Well, and also Alexandra,
I want you to be mindful of that
when we want to control outcomes,
we can get very nervous and anxious
and it doesn't make anything wrong with you.
It's just that you're growing in those areas with the Lord.
Some things come easier.
Other things you want to grab the wheel and control.
You've been wanting to get out of Tyler for a while.
And so I just want you to know that God is with you
and we don't know what's going to happen.
That is nerve wracking.
And it is.
And so you can continue to turn it over to the Lord.
You can continue to find your safe space in him.
For me, I find a scripture that resonates with me
and I hold really fast to it.
You know, the Bible says that the name of the Lord
is a strong tower and the righteous run in
and they are safe.
Those types of scriptures are real for me
because when I get in that loop in my brain,
it keeps going round and round and round.
And it has to do with management of our nervous system.
Everything is firing out
and we have to learn how to manage those emotions
or manage your nervous system or help it.
Like I know when my nervous system is on high alert,
I can be talking to somebody
and I'll try to grab food to start eating.
And the moment I'm looking for food,
I know something is off on the inside of me
because I'm trying to use food to calm my system down.
And I'm like, oh no, we're not doing that.
I have to redirect it.
And so the awareness that your system is running rampant
and Roberta's on here, she's a counselor.
Is she nodding?
I'm like, yes, I'm saying the right thing.
Yeah.
So it's just your nervous system
and don't beat yourself up about it.
Just keep staying in fellowship with the Lord.
Play some worship music.
These things about you are not gonna change overnight
but you can walk with him through it.
And the truth is when you hear you may not get it,
so that's true, I may not get the job.
That's a real fact.
I got to that point.
Yeah, I'm gonna be really sad.
I will be really sad.
I got to that point.
I was like, had to pray it all out.
And even, you know, back to my natural state,
just when I'm at rest, I go to worst case scenario.
Like that's my at rest,
like let's figure out what could go wrong.
And so it's so much work.
And I just, I'm, you know,
I really feel like the Lord was working in it
and I'm looking forward to more growth
because it's really tough to be.
At least I'm aware, but it was very miserable.
I know.
Who was so miserable?
I've been like this, miserable.
Yeah, thank you.
You're welcome.
And listen, all the other Austinites,
I did not know you were in Temple, Tiffany.
Eloise, I did not know you were in DFW,
but listen, we're gonna all get together
and celebrate this job.
You need, make sure you post it.
Yeah, don't wait two months later
and say I just got started.
Y'all are gonna make me cry.
Yeah, and I'm so excited.
Tiffany, I didn't know you were up the street.
What have you been waiting on?
Come on, y'all, we're gonna get together.
Oh, I have to read everyone's message.
Well, hey, I would love to do that.
I will post when I get the offer letter
and accept so that it's for sure.
And then I had a question on another route, Ebony.
Technically, I'm probably supposed to be moving
on to the next phase.
My only hesitation with that is I'm not,
I'm not really dating too much right now.
And I also, I also, I guess, worry that like,
because of that, I'm, what if I start dating
and then those coaches just don't know me very well?
And that part, I'm just nervous about.
Oh, no, go ahead and go to phase three.
It doesn't matter if they know you or not.
You can always come back and join in
on our coaching session if you want to.
You can see a post in this section
and you can post there too.
So you can get there.
What they say that you can get,
what we sell here, you put it all together,
pick and pull and choose.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
You'll like phase three, go for it.
Okay.
Chantel, you in Austin too, what?
I have to read everything.
I know.
Yes, please join us.
And when she posted, everybody that's in
the surrounding areas, you need to like drop a post.
Yeah, this is a huge deal, you guys.
I've been in a, feeling like I'm stuck.
So this program has helped me to get unstuck
and figure out that I desire.
I said I would never move to Austin
because the stupidest reason.
I was like, everyone's moving there.
I don't want to cause more problems.
So, that's literally why I didn't move to Austin.
But I love Austin.
And so, I just didn't, you know, the confidence to follow my desires and that, like, the Lord,
once you've done the healing work, the Lord works through your desires.
It's been really cool.
So, very grateful.
I'd love to celebrate with you guys.
Okay.
And we can't, I can't wait to meet your dog.
Oh, yeah.
He's handsome.
He's not great with other dogs, though, but.
Oh, I don't have a dog.
Don't worry.
Okay.
He's great with humans.
Look at him, y'all.
He's.
Okay.
Rosanna.
Thanks, guys.
You're welcome.
Hi.
He wants to come to Dallas and celebrate.
We'll do one in Austin and we'll drive all up to Dallas and celebrate.
Okay.
Go ahead, Rosanna.
Hi.
So, I have a question.
I am.
Let me see.
I have been excited to date and it's been good.
And I was like trying to make a goal of like a date a week.
And that didn't happen.
So, I didn't have a date last week.
But I need this.
I had a date with myself.
I look dope.
And I went out.
I was like, none of my single mom friends who would hang out.
And I'm like, you got to be kidding me.
I actually don't have my kids.
Like timing changed for me with something.
And I was like, you know what?
I'm still going to go.
I had an espresso martini and I just took my time and enjoyed it.
And actually, one of my girlfriends, who's a single mom, but she had all her kids with
her, happened to stop by.
And this open bar area was very sweet, very pretty.
And we chatted for a little bit.
And I'm glad I did that for myself.
And I was able to just like, I was actually listening to some of the stuff that I was
going to try.
I need to listen to the 3Ms because I missed it on Tuesday, which I'm going to do.
Anyway, the point is like, so I was bummed I didn't get a date.
I was supposed to have a date on Friday.
Another guy from high school that's connected with me.
However, he has, he's returning from a funeral on Friday and he doesn't know what time he's
coming home, like early evening.
And I love the beginning.
So we had just connected via, because I sent a personal invite to everybody for our 25th
high school reunion.
I blasted, but I personalized it to every single person because that feels good.
I can't wait to see the single guys that are here because I'm going to look dope.
I can't wait.
With that, some people have talked back with me and this one of the guys was, was him.
And so we've dialogued back and forth all of a sudden.
Last week, he, out of nowhere, he brings up these compliments.
He's telling me, he's like, you're very beautiful.
Well, he starts saying all this stuff, I'm like, I had a, I mean, he kept on talking
to me.
So I was like, oh, maybe he's interested, but I was, whatever.
And then he gave me all these compliments and it was quiet for a little bit.
And I'm like, when is this guy going to ask me out?
Like if you're going to say that.
So I waited, I asked a guy friend, I was like, listen, what is the dynamic, like whatever.
And I was like, he's like, it could be because you've only texted and we have left some voice
messages on Facebook.
He's like, because you haven't done that.
He doesn't want to come off as creeper.
He doesn't know.
Like, he's like, you could say, Hey, it'd be cool to like meet up for coffee, whatever.
I'm like, oh, there's going to be pursuit.
I don't want to.
And I was just like, I was just trying to calm myself.
I was spitting out stuff and then I chilled out.
So then I finally was very bold.
I was like, I'm going to be bold with you and you can take it forever.
Whatever you want.
You've given me all these compliments.
Why haven't you asked me out?
And he was just like, I took him off guard.
And then he told me, he was like, I actually am very timid with beautiful women.
You're strong, you're independent, all that stuff.
And I'm like, okay.
He's like, I suppose it is timidity.
It's also a fear of rejection.
He's like, and some people may view that as weak.
So then I said, so you think you're weak?
And then he was like, I didn't say that.
I said, some people may view that like, okay, I was like, let you know, I'm going to let
you know that had you asked me out, I would have said, oh, he's like, if I had asked you,
would you have said yes?
I'm like, yes, I would have.
Even if it wasn't on a romantic level, I would have happily, his story is very cool.
So because we've been going back and forth.
So then right after he's like, would you like to go out for coffee or dinner?
And I'm like, yes, I would.
So we had set it up.
But now he can't go.
And I'm kind of bummed.
But all that to say, I'm sorry, is, I don't know, like, I am not, all the guys on Bumble
have like, quieted down all this stuff.
And I'm not trying to pursue and I'm so proud of like, the water, I'm the duck, it keeps
on going off of me, and I'm getting a thicker skin, and I'm proud of that.
But then part of me is just like, I'm chatting with this guy, but I'm like, do I want to
engage in talking to somebody else?
Because I want to go on a date, I have childcare for Friday, again, you know what I mean?
So like, I don't know what to do.
I'm hoping I'm not trying to fill up the anniversary of my husband's death is next week, the second
year.
So I went to counseling, I have a cat, I had a Catholic lawyer last week, and I have another
one the day after of his second year anniversary of death.
So I purposely did that.
And I'm just trying to figure out like, I don't know.
One, I want to go on a date. I want to keep on doing this discovery. It's really fun.
But I don't but then I don't know and I'm like, am I trying to cover up something like
I don't feel like I am but I don't know if I'm just too tired to like want to re-engage again
Put myself back on Facebook dating. I've swiped left on the most of the guys to be honest because I'm like, I don't know
So I don't I don't know what to do or like should I continue conversing with guys?
This guy should I give him my number should be just like hey, let's talk on the phone. Like what do you
Suggest because he he has talked with me every day like texted me or say how are you blah blah blah
I don't know what's going on. What's what's the question? I know that's what i'm trying to figure out
Should I oh, i'm, sorry
Should I go back on bumble and start swiping right with guys and and get back on on facebook dating?
But should I do that and also I think I like alexandra like i've been on here for a while and
I know I have asked you about phase three as well, and I don't know what to do. I'm like, okay
I feel like i'm still in this discovery. Well, hold up. You can be still dating discovering phase three
It's just because you're on phase three doesn't mean you're no longer not dating for discovery
Okay, so phase three has nothing to do where you are in your dating
Oh, what is I need more?
If you are just starting off in dating phase two is more closely knit
So you're going to have more access phase three is bigger lots more people
And so we do want you to date some while you're in this phase get you some date scenes
So you can have a lot of this, uh, you know
This I got I had lots of dates. I've had i've had experiences with all different men
And the 34 year old date was fun. I don't know
Hold on roseanne. I don't want to forget the first part of the question. No, no, i'm sorry
So the first part of your question is should you re-engage in social?
So dating apps, but what i'm trying to say to you it seems like you're having a lot of success without dating apps, right
Where are all these dates coming from?
No, one of it last week two weeks ago was bumble I I opened my range I was playing around I put 28 29
because
Let's i'm keeping it
Listen ladies, I got an eight-year-old and a six-year-old. I want him to wrestle with my kids
And I want him to wrestle with me, you know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah
When we're married when we're married y'all, you know, so like that doesn't mean i'm in shape 45 year i'm in shape at 43
My gauge is like 28 to 50. Huh? I'm, sorry. We hear you. You want to look tough?
Okay
I want to say ladies, but I won't if you want to talk to me
I'll share my stories with you of what I want in the name of the lord when we're married. Yes
but
that's really up to you if you if you're enjoying not being on the apps don't be on the apps because
I don't know if you pay for bumble, but facebook. They know for you
Yeah, so if you want to be on there be on there if you don't don't and if you want to check it out check it
Out, you know dating when you're on the apps, it kind of sucks you in
Yeah, picture picture picture and it can get tiring and it does suck you in it can be consuming
Um, and so take a break start back take a break start back. See what's out there
Okay, i'm kind of i've done better. Um
Ebony i've i've remembered getting sucked in for a long time. I've learned now to be a lot more
balanced with it now that i'm
More in this in this program. I have wonderful thing
But i've it's just it goes in phases because I had no desire and all of a sudden like yeah
Let's go back on it
I don't know if I want to just like what joanne was saying like
Do I want to talk to people like and I love that you had the three people?
To talk to like I'll go out with you. We'll talk to you like sometimes it just feels weird
Um, but I haven't even started that but like i'm not gonna lie I want to go on a date
I would love to go on a date this friday and it's not gonna happen with matt. So
Now what like he said he's like we'll meet up because I told him I was like well
He's always you know, he's really sweet. He's like i'm really I feel bad. Are you upset?
I'm, like i'm not upset this happens. It's part of your your work that you have to do. I'm not petty like that
I was just and he was like, I bet you look amazing
He's like, oh i'm dressing up in a suit and it always makes you feel good and I was like
Oh, yeah, it does blah blah blah. He's like I bet you look gorgeous dressed up and I was like well when you meet me
Um, you'll see that
And so he's like we'll meet up. I'm like, all right
And part of me just like how do I do that now?
Like what should I say to him now?
Should I say like would you like to talk on the phone sometime like he?
He says he'd like to hear my voice. He likes it when I leave voice messages on the facetime not facetime
Facebook you can do facebook messenger. You can use that
So, I don't I don't know what I should do if I should talk to this guy or just leave it alone and be like
Don't talk to anybody except continue on the conversation with him instead of adding it to more guys with bumble or friendship
It just depends on what you want to juggle, but you know
You can add more guys if there's whatever.
I was gonna ask you about your date on Friday.
Is there anybody that you've already gone out with
that you'd like to go out with again
that you can say,
hey, would you be interested in hanging out on Friday?
I mean, but I think he's gonna have his son.
He was sweet, but I don't know if it's gonna go anywhere.
His sobriety is too early for me.
I've opened up my eyes to certain things about stuff.
I consulted people with wisdom
who struggled with addiction once upon a time,
this and that and the other,
and I was trying to weigh out options and talk to people.
And a year and a half is too soon for me.
I would rather somebody who has longer time.
I'm open to the idea of now
because some of these men that I know who are pastors,
they were saying like, I'm not invincible, I'm not Superman,
but I know my limits.
I know what I do, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I can handle that.
I was comparing sobriety and recovery
to my late husband who barely did anything.
And I was like, if that's what it is,
I'm not doing it with nobody.
But then I talked to men who are like, I do this,
I go to meetings, I do this, I blah, blah, blah.
I have community, I work out, I go see my mental health.
There's all these things that are labeled.
He's like, you know, like your husband did.
And I'm like, nah, he didn't do any of this.
The man was spitting about, this was an older guy.
This was Noah from a long time ago.
We're just friends now.
I don't know, the Lord has opened up my eyes
because even when I put it on non-negotiables,
obviously somebody in active addiction
is an absolutely non-negotiable.
That's not gonna happen at all.
But the one in recovery, I was teetering with
even when I presented it to the Lord
because I didn't feel, something didn't feel
like I should close that off.
I'm not saying I'm gonna go back to it either
with whoever it is.
However, I've noticed it's a lot of the men that I've met,
a lot of them do have substance from the past with addiction.
And so I don't wanna write people off
because of my husband, my late husband.
But I just, I don't know what it is.
Like I wanna be, I wanna honor my singleness
and enjoy it and not look back and be like,
man, I was always in a rush wanting to like date guys,
blah, blah, blah.
But like I never dated when I was in my 20s.
This is my dating right now is in my 40s.
So I don't know.
I don't even know what I'm trying to ask you, Ebony.
I'm sorry if I'm confusing you.
You're not confusing me.
You wanna go on a date on Friday night.
So I'm saying if you can't, that's what we're on right now.
So if you can't go on a date on Friday night,
then you need to probably think of something
you wanna do for yourself.
That's for sure.
Because I've also been, I've had a lot going on.
The Lord used a blessing of something
that had nothing to do romantically
but with my daughter, my 12 year old.
The Lord just blessed us.
We've been having a lot of hard difficulties with stuff
and everybody dealing with the grief of Jeff.
But the Lord really blessed a time with her and I.
And I'm so happy about that.
So, and with that saying, it was like,
he took something very heavy on my heart
and allowed good talk to happen with my daughter.
And I think that was good to take something off my plate,
but I also need to fill myself.
I did fill myself with a Big Mac and French fries today
and ice cream when I was talking to you.
So I did that, but like to do something for Roe by myself
without feeling guilty that I'm not doing something
with my children, even though most of them
are actually gonna be out of the house.
I shouldn't feel bad about that.
And I wanna get gussied up and go out.
So maybe I should go salsa dance, I don't know.
Oh, that'll be fun, do that.
I love salsa dance.
If they have it open, I probably shouldn't
just ask my other single girlfriend
if she wants to come with.
Yeah, I think you should.
I think actually dancing would be cathartic for me.
So I'll look into it.
Well, let's do that.
All right, thank you for doing that.
And I've got to consider phase three.
I don't know, I'm gonna miss you guys.
You can come anytime you want.
How do you do that?
Just look on events?
Just go to your, yeah, let me see how do I switch in.
I don't know if yours look like mine.
Yeah, you go to the top, it's a little tab
and then you select under my groups.
The tab, my groups.
At the top of the page where it says my groups.
If you don't figure it out, post it down.
I want to, it's nine o'clock.
I want to pray this out.
I want you, I need some agreement for Alexandria
because she asked us to pray.
And so I want to pray right now.
If you ladies would agree with me.
Father God, we thank you for Alexandria.
And what I thank you most about her life
is that her steps have been ordered.
You knitted her together in her mother's womb.
You know everything about her.
All of her days have already been planned.
And so we say thank you to the apple and the omega.
You are both the beginning and the end all at the same time.
I thank you Lord God that she gets to live a life
of wonder and surprise with you
because you have great things in store for her.
So Father God, I don't.
know what's to come, but I know if you have your hands in it, it's good.
It can't be anything but good.
It's going to always be good.
Jesus told a parable in the New Testament, in the book of Luke.
He said, if my son, if your son asks you for bread, would you give him a stone?
And if he asks you for fish, would you give him a snake?
Now, you men who are evil at heart know how to give good gifts to your children.
What more than your father in heaven, who is much greater and good,
even more good than any man on earth.
And so, Father God, I know that you are a God who gives good gifts.
I also know that you are a God who does
exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we could ask or think.
So I say, if you don't do this, I know you're going to do something better.
God, if you don't meet this, then do the better that you have in store.
And so we thank you, Lord God, for favor.
We thank you for open doors.
We thank you for new places.
And we thank you for new grace over Alexandria.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Amen. Thank you so much.
Amen.
All of my Austin ladies, we're going to celebrate in Austin and we're going to
move the party to Dallas with Miss Eloise.
And Dallas has a lot of ladies, a lot, a lot, a lot of ladies.
And so.
That'll be really good.
Yeah, I'll be in town the 18th for the in-person interview.
Do we want to wait until I get an offer or do we just want to meet up the 18th?
Like or the 18th is is a Monday or is it a Monday?
So I think it would be like the Sunday or the Saturday before 18.
I'll be in Houston on that that weekend before.
But I mean, everybody else can meet.
I'm not trying to like it's depending on me.
But the 23rd would be nice.
So get get your date.
And are you going to you?
Are you moving to apartment here or something?
Are you moving with your friend?
No, if I was just going to move and find a place of the yard for my dog.
I mean, I don't know.
I know you had connections here.
So, yeah. So let us know once you get it.
And then we'll play.
Eloise has a connection.
I'll text you.
OK. All right, ladies.
Rest well. So good.
So good. Thank you.
I mean, have a good night, ladies.
Have any.
you