WEBVTT

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Hey, how are y'all tonight?

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Good. Yeah, I'm good.

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It's so good to see all of y'all.

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Sorry, I'm late.

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I never had to put this meeting code in,

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and I apparently kept putting it in wrong,

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but I've never had to do that before.

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Hey, I'm here. Is there anyone on that,

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if this is your first time,

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this is a weird platform.

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Thank you, Mandy.

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Is this your first time with us?

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No? Great.

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If you are, I don't understand,

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it's the way I logged in.

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Oh, it is. Fran Can.

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Hello.

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Well, I'm Ebony.

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It's so nice to have you here.

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Megan, were you waving your hands

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your first time from Minnesota?

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Oh, great.

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I'm at eight o'clock.

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Carla is at one o'clock,

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and of course, Eastern time.

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And the ideal is when you come into phase two,

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is that you watch one video a week,

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just in case you weren't aware of that.

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And you don't have to.

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You watch it as you can,

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but one video a week,

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kind of get your aha moments from it.

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Are you guys on the dating scene yet?

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Have you started dating yet?

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Yeah? Great.

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No online dating?

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Well, watch some of the videos.

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They'll help get you prepared for dating.

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You don't have to watch the video

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before you make a profile.

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We would love to see your profile.

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We would love to give you feedback.

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We would love to see the colors that you chose.

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If you're gonna go on the apps,

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it's not a requirement.

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There are many places you can meet men.

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I like meeting them in the wild.

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It's actually really fun.

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So yeah.

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Any questions about how to navigate anything?

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What's what?

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What's happening?

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What's going on?

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Who are the people?

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Okay.

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You're online.

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I actually just had been dating lately.

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Okay, great.

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Well, let's pray.

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Father God, I thank you for these ladies.

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I thank you for our time.

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I call this a time of good fellowship

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because we get to fellowship with each other,

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but we also get to fellowship with your wisdom,

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with your power, with your strength,

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with your encouragement, Lord.

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And we just thank you for a place

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that we can gather together

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with one mind and one accord.

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Lord God, to see your kingdom come

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and your will be done in our life

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as it pertains to our whole life and to marriage.

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And so we thank you for it now.

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In Jesus name, amen.

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How many of us believe that he who began a great work in us

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is faithful to complete it?

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Are we familiar with this scripture?

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Yeah.

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The Bible says,

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he who began a great work in me is faithful to complete it.

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And not only does it say that,

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it says that God makes all things beautiful in its time.

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And you know, that scripture scares me a lot sometimes.

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Cause it's like, well, what's the time?

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Is it next month?

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Is it next week?

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Is this a perfect time for beauty, Lord?

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Can't you see?

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But it says that he makes all things beautiful in its time.

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And so one thing that does do is tell me

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that the father is working

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and he's making whatever this thing is I have,

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whatever I'm concerned about,

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he's working to make it beautiful.

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And one thing I know about my God,

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he is a God that does things in complete extravagance.

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Heaven is extravagant.

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What Christ did on the cross was extravagant.

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It is unmatched.

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Nobody could do it.

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He did so much, we can't even pay them back.

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So we just say, thank you.

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So this is the guy that I'm talking about

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who makes all things beautiful in its time.

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This is the God I'm talking about.

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He makes it beautiful in his time.

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This is the God I'm talking about

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that brought the children of Israel out of Egypt,

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out of bondage, and they took the wealth of Egypt with them.

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This is the guy that makes all things beautiful in his time.

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So that means as I take this faith journey with the Lord,

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as I go through this process,

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I have the go-ahead to pick up all the jewels

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and the treasures that I find along the way

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and tuck them into my little bag

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because God makes things beautiful in his time.

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And when I come out of one place, I don't just come as me.

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I come loaded, fully equipped, jam-packed, ready to roll,

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nothing missing, nothing lacking, nothing broken

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because that's who our God is.

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And so, yes, he does make all things beautiful in his time.

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And this other scripture that's so exciting to me,

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and it says that a day is like a thousand.

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He says, the Lord is not slack concerning his promises

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as some may think,

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that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord

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and a thousand years like a day.

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Now, sometimes when I used to hit it up,

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I'd be like, look, I'm not about this thousand years stuff.

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I don't know what you're talking about, Lord.

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But when I find out that he can take a thousand years,

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he can take five years of waiting, four years of waiting,

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10 years of waiting.

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years of waiting and make something happen in one day, boy, do I get excited.

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So, you know, that word cut one way, but when it come back the other way,

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it works in my favor and it works in your favor because it only takes one

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moment, one day when you meet your husband and it is a done deal.

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Literally the moment you meet him, that's it.

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And he'll take all of this and make it happen in one moment for us.

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And so we are excited tonight, ladies,

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because the Lord is making some things beautiful in your life.

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That's what he does. That's what your goal is. Marriage. His goal is beauty.

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Yeah. All right. His goal is beauty.

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And so we just don't take it any old kind of way. All right.

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So we pray and tonight we're going to talk about something that everybody kind

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of gets their little panties in a bunch about because it's kind of confusing.

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It was confusing for me. It's like, what does that really mean?

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So most of all of Jackie's saying, I would say, but what does that really mean?

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And that's this one thing of it's a yes until it's a no.

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It seems so, everything seems so confusing.

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One minute you ask about a man and give him a chance.

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The next minute you ask about the same behavior and it's like, Oh no,

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cut that a loose blessing block. And you're like, I don't know what to do.

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So for all of our new people, I hope I'm not too excited tonight,

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but Jackie teaches us that it is a yes until it's a no.

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And the reason why we do that is because a lot of times when you've been single,

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I don't know what Jackie says is going to tell you when you've been single and

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just you and Jesus, you have all these demands of people.

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You sit and create the perfect husband sitting on the beach.

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Everything's wonderful. He serves you. You're happy. He listens.

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He's your best friend. He's all of these things.

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He has no problems whatsoever and you don't have anything to work on cause you're

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pretty perfect. You're just waiting on the Lord for this man to come along.

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Well, somebody comes along and he looks like a human.

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He's actually not Jesus. And when he shows up,

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he forgets to maybe call you or text you the actual time and location and you're

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really like, I'm cutting him out. He's inconsistent.

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I'm not dealing with this. Do you know when we got to the table,

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he asked me no questions about myself. I mean, I don't think he's interested.

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All he did was talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

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And what we'll do is we'll say, Nope, I'm not doing this.

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That's the first date. First conversation.

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You may not consider that he's nervous.

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You may not consider that he might not know what to talk about.

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So he just keeps talking about what he's good at, right?

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You don't consider that he's sitting looking at a beautiful woman and he's

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tongue tied. You forget that a man sees with his eyes,

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like he's a visual creature, individual.

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And we like communication is who we like, what we hear.

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And so you have two different things at work here. And so when he says to you,

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Hey, beautiful, you're offended. I'm not going to talk to him.

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He called me beautiful. I don't like to be greeted that way.

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Don't you dare call me beautiful. Don't you call me pretty who you don't know me.

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And so a lot of these things cause us to cut people out.

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And so that is so other things, right?

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So what we say is it's a yes until it's a no. And so we say,

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we want you to take three dates and long as it's a yes,

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you go on another one. And as long as a yes, you go on another one.

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And when the no comes, it becomes a no,

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but don't let it be a no your first go around,

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especially when it's not things that are, uh, like, well,

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he's not tall enough. That's not a no. You know,

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we don't want to build on those. Um, those, um, what do they call it?

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Like vanity type things or, um,

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appearance type things or, um, you know, if it's going to be a no,

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let it be because he touched you inappropriately or you punch him in the nose.

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If he does that, let it be a no, because he, you know,

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said something inappropriate to you. He keeps using sexual innuendos. Um,

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you feel unsafe around him. Um, things like that.

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So we want some heart. Those are absolutely a no, right?

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That has nothing to with grace is called boundaries.

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When a man crosses your boundaries continually,

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then that becomes a no for you. Okay.

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You ask him not to call you pet names. He continues to call you pet names.

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And we understand. And someone asked about this. So I will say this pet names

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are not, they do not serve you. Well, they feel good.

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But what the reason why they feel so good is because it's a belief that this

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person knows you better than they do. That's what it produces.

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Like I know you so well, so I'll give you a, uh,

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I'll give you a term of endearment.

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Those are terms of endearment from people who know you,

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right? They give you a nickname, they give you a pet name.

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And so you have somebody to come along,

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you baby every time they talk to you it's going to create something in you

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and it's gonna do it very quickly pet names speed up something so quick your

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head will spin and you know that they have ability to do this because it does

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feel really good hey baby hey babe what you doing love

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oh honey it just most of the times we want terms of endearment that's why

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people get people terms of endearment they care about them right and so it

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feels good when somebody come along and say the things that you've longed to

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hear and so we don't do terms of endearment that's not part of the

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script tonight but it's a yes until it's a no and so um you want to take your

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time you want to observe and you want to give an individual an opportunity it is

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to your advantage to operate and grow in the power and the ability of grace

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and forgiveness a lot of times when a person does something that we don't like

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instead of us marking it down it's like oh that's them we can't see it apart

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from us because we've already looked at them through the wrong lens you're

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already viewing them as your spouse or potential spouse and so what happens to

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guard yourself you go way ahead and you say oh no I couldn't be with somebody

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that do stuff like that anyway the moment you hear thoughts like that and

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you're just getting to know a person you need to know you've already decided

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something about them you've already put an expectation because at the point of

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the beginning of knowing a person in the early stages of it's a yes till it's a

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no this is very early this is surface level conversations right you're just

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getting to know them as a person they're not attached to you then they're not

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they should have no attachment to you they're an individual you're an

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individual and you're just getting to know them so when they do something that

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is not favorable or something that you don't you don't desire it's not against

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you it's who they are and so that's how we're able to watch a person and see if

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they're consistent or inconsistent so you don't have to get offended because

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they're inconsistent your job is just mark that oh I noticed after these two

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weeks they're not very consistent but sometimes what happens is a man will

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come in and we'll talk about this and we yeah well we're gonna talk tonight also

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about my little notes here so I don't get way I've checked we're gonna talk

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about fireworks versus real chemistry and this kind of flows into that okay

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fireworks versus real chemistry sometimes what happens is okay sorry

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let me stop right here okay so how do we get this these expectations what happens

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is you come in with the perception because I need to hit on this is he the

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one those questions don't serve you best it's hard to say is he the one without

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imagining him being the one and that's why your judgments are so so harsh

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against a person because you're thinking is he the one and if you're the one you

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ain't gonna be a B C D so if this helps you this is what I do I tell my brain

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that is wired to think that way he is not the one and some people feel like oh

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well that's not faith I don't know what to tell you but if you want to survive

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this dating process and you want to guard your heart without diligence I am

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I err on the side of he's not the one so that I can stay grounded within myself

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and make wise decisions because if he is the one I won't miss the one that's not

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gonna happen as a matter of fact the more you show your true self the more

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the one is gonna want you and a lot of times in dating we come up with our we

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come with our best mask on and we show up you know like there is like you're

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not a person and that's not a real thing you are a person and we can find ourselves

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judging another person harshly when we're unaware of the fact or you don't

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operate in awareness that you're a person with fault and with flaws as well

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and there is no perfection to you and so this serves in two ways it is so important to

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See people as people.

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So you can live in La La Land before you marry him, I don't believe he's a person,

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but when you get to the other side of that, do you find out he is a real person?

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And so are you.

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Right, so one of the things that allows us

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to have this thought process is when we start with in the is running

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in the background, is he the one, is he the one?

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Why do I say this is challenging for us?

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It's challenging for us because we're in a program,

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believing God by faith for a husband.

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It's always running in the background

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of your head because you believe in God for a spouse.

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And so that's why I take this stance on it to help myself,

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because I know that I'm in a partnership to my love story with the father.

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And I believe that any day I can meet my husband.

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I believe that the promise is coming.

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I don't believe that it's far out.

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I believe that is right at my doorstep.

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As a matter of a matter of fact, I pray prayers like this.

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Lord, I know he's here.

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Open my eyes so that I may see.

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Because I know that you do what you say you're going to do.

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So the problem is not you.

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The problem is I just can't see.

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Instead of saying to God, where is he?

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Oh, I say, God, I know you do what you say you're going to do.

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I got a whole track record of you being good and you being God and you keeping

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your word and you being faithful to complete this until the end.

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So the problem has to be my eyes.

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Open them up so I may see what you have done for me.

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And if that is not your prayer and you

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are encouraged by it, I encourage you to adopt that prayer

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because it will change the posture of your heart.

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And it will give you a reminder of who you're in partnership with.

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The one who is the Alpha and the Omega, not the beginning and the end,

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but he's the beginning and the end at the same time.

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He's not one here, one here, he all the way through it.

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And he's always working for our good.

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And so I say to him, I know you're working everything for my good.

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So the problem is I just can't see what you're doing.

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Open my eyes so that I may see.

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I know you're doing a good thing in me.

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Open my eyes so I may see what you're restoring in me, what you're rebuilding

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in me, what you're doing in my life right now.

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Help me see your hand because you're always moving.

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You're always working.

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I can look around me at the whole world

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and see that you never stop moving, that you never stop working.

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What are you doing right now in this season, Lord?

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OK, I just throwing it out there.

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All right. OK.

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And there's some other things that are running in the background is,

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do I feel enough? Should I pull back?

318
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He just did this.

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What do I do next?

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He said this was usually takes right back.

321
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He didn't take right back.

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Like so there are a lot of things that can be happening at the same time.

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And so I use prethoughts to safeguard

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myself and this will help you get through the process in getting to know a person.

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Because at the end of the day, if you notice some inconsistency,

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they're just inconsistent.

327
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But it really hurts when you really like

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a person because you really wanted it to be like, man.

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We were here like you.

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So in order for us to make that type of decision that early on,

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would you agree that you had to be thinking something?

332
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You haven't had an opportunity to observe this person.

333
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Usually this happens within the first first the first to second week.

334
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A lot of this happens very early on.

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Um, when so I just want you to know that it may happen in the first three weeks,

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but when you start dating a person and getting to know them and it looks very

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promising, even if it's on paper, some parts of you, you start releasing.

338
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Out in that process, you don't know, but it like trickles out like, OK, OK, OK.

339
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Well, I'm telling you in the first two, three weeks or month,

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this is just the time of it's a yes until it's a no.

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This is just the time of getting to know a person.

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And it's going to feel good talking about all the things you shouldn't talk about.

343
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But it comes back to bite you really hard

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when you get to week three and you find out it's not going to work.

345
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Now, I'm just being honest with you from my own experience.

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You really have to be mindful to guard your heart without diligence, not put up

347
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walls, but follow come under your own boundaries, come under the boundaries

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that we've given you ladies in this program, because it's going to work to serve you.

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This, you know, sometimes.

350
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Let's talk about this. Sometimes when a man comes in really hot, it speeds up

351
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something on the inside of you, right? But he can switch over to hot

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cold, hot cold, hot cold, hot cold, and you get very confused when that happens. So he

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starts out strong. Hey, how's your day going? Just want to hear from you, you

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know, like, and this is when we feel like it's fire or it's chemistry, it's these

355
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fireworks because they come in hot and they're they're giving that consistency

356
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that you would like. You can't, for some reason when you're dating, it seems like

357
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two days is weeks. I don't know what, it is the craziest thing ever. Hey, who all knows that?

358
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Like, it's like one day, two day, three day, seems like freaking forever and it's like, it's, I keep

359
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telling myself, it's just one day, it's just two days, it's just three days, but

360
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:04.120
myself don't want to hear that. I be like, we on a roll, shit!

361
00:21:07.120 --> 00:21:12.440
So because myself can't always be trusted that way, I have lots of

362
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accountability and these accountability people in my life tell me it's been 23

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hours. I'm serious, like, I train people to say stuff to me like this. Like, literally, it's been

364
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count the hours, count the minutes, and give it back to me because I'm over here in

365
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la-la land somewhere. It's like, and so my sisters, I was like, but you don't really

366
00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:43.480
know him, right? I'm like, right. But he said, yeah, he just said, didn't he? Right. This

367
00:21:43.480 --> 00:21:48.760
constant reminder, you don't really know him. And so, anyway, so sometimes when a man

368
00:21:48.760 --> 00:21:55.160
comes in hot, we think it's chemistry. You want to call it, some people call it

369
00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:58.600
chemistry. You think it's a real connection, but it could just be a lot of

370
00:21:58.600 --> 00:22:03.960
fireworks. And fireworks release a lot of dopamine. Dopamine in our brain is the

371
00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:12.640
thrill of it. I love it. It's just so exciting. And so, fireworks feel like, if you

372
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:17.960
want to know what fireworks feel like, they feel like instant intensity. Who's

373
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ever felt that instant intensity before? I don't know. Why it got to feel so good?

374
00:22:24.680 --> 00:22:32.920
Golly. Why the Lord didn't make it where it can feel bad? Emotional obsession.

375
00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:40.600
Thank you. Emotional obsession. Like, you're obsessing over this thing. You don't

376
00:22:40.600 --> 00:22:44.040
know. There's this loop running in your brain, even when it's in the background.

377
00:22:44.440 --> 00:22:49.720
Or you keep picking your phone up. You keep checking. You keep checking to see if they've

378
00:22:49.720 --> 00:22:53.880
called or maybe they text. Did you mix something? Or this constant, that's the

379
00:22:53.880 --> 00:23:01.480
constant thinking about them. Or the high highs and then the low lows. Now, I know me

380
00:23:02.120 --> 00:23:11.080
fairly better than times past. And so, let me say this before I say this. Oftentimes,

381
00:23:11.080 --> 00:23:15.640
these things that you feel like are like chemistry or connection. It's actually your

382
00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:21.720
nervous system being activated. That uncertainty can give you those dopamine spikes. So, like,

383
00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:26.360
you're uncertain that all of a sudden they come through and everything disappears. It feels so

384
00:23:26.360 --> 00:23:30.520
good. All of a sudden, you get that spike of dopamine. And then it's that emotional

385
00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:41.160
unpredictability is mistaken for a spark. And intensity is not clarity. And so, a lot of times

386
00:23:41.160 --> 00:23:46.680
when you have intensity, it lacks clarity. And it takes us a few days to catch up with it. But all

387
00:23:46.680 --> 00:23:51.960
of a sudden, you'll notice later, start posting, I thought this, but I'm confused. When that

388
00:23:51.960 --> 00:23:56.040
confusion start coming, if you're confused, it's because they don't give you clarity.

389
00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:03.800
And we're so quick to blame ourselves. But if you ever, ever date a man who is intentional,

390
00:24:03.800 --> 00:24:11.560
he is going to always be clear. If you are confused, it's because you're not giving

391
00:24:11.560 --> 00:24:17.720
clarity. If you are confused, a lot of times you're being bread crumb. Anytime you feel like,

392
00:24:17.720 --> 00:24:22.520
oh, they could give more. You're probably right. They probably could give more. You're not in your

393
00:24:22.520 --> 00:24:30.840
right mind, ladies. The Lord has given you intuition. There are walls, there are things,

394
00:24:30.840 --> 00:24:35.320
but you can tell when somebody is not doing what they started out doing.

395
00:24:36.200 --> 00:24:39.800
But let's remember that the starting out was just three days ago.

396
00:24:43.240 --> 00:24:49.640
And so, if in your mind, you've already decided they were consistent, you get angry because now

397
00:24:49.640 --> 00:24:55.400
you believe they're behaving inconsistent. When at first they were consistent,

398
00:24:55.400 --> 00:24:59.720
but there was no at first because you're still at first.

399
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.000
They were never supposed to be judged as consistent.

400
00:25:08.280 --> 00:25:10.380
It was only two days.

401
00:25:13.020 --> 00:25:14.700
So we cannot make a decision

402
00:25:14.700 --> 00:25:17.300
that a person is consistent after two days.

403
00:25:17.300 --> 00:25:20.700
Listen, y'all know when we start a diet,

404
00:25:20.700 --> 00:25:24.140
now you know you may start out them first two days strong,

405
00:25:24.140 --> 00:25:26.420
but you let Friday and Saturday roll around.

406
00:25:26.420 --> 00:25:28.460
See how you gonna be showing out.

407
00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:33.640
This is what I'm talking about, the consistent stuff.

408
00:25:33.640 --> 00:25:34.480
You know what I'm saying?

409
00:25:34.480 --> 00:25:37.440
So you know yourself when you're doing a new routine,

410
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:38.880
you need at least three weeks

411
00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:41.180
to see if you're really in that thing, right?

412
00:25:41.180 --> 00:25:43.400
This is just a measurement of things.

413
00:25:43.400 --> 00:25:46.560
And it goes all, how long does this at first last?

414
00:25:46.560 --> 00:25:48.800
Like, when does it move from there?

415
00:25:48.800 --> 00:25:52.640
And so at first,

416
00:25:52.640 --> 00:25:54.440
look, I'm about to define it with the definition,

417
00:25:54.440 --> 00:25:55.600
is at first.

418
00:26:00.280 --> 00:26:03.880
But I would measure a person's consistency

419
00:26:03.880 --> 00:26:08.720
over at least three weeks, four weeks.

420
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:12.800
You all start seeing a person's rhythm at that time, right?

421
00:26:12.800 --> 00:26:14.680
Because at least in about a month,

422
00:26:14.680 --> 00:26:16.200
they should have gotten busy enough

423
00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:18.000
not to come through on their word

424
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:20.360
to no fault of their own and be able to follow up and say,

425
00:26:20.360 --> 00:26:22.200
hey, I know I said I was gonna do this.

426
00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:24.140
I'm not gonna be able to make that happen.

427
00:26:24.140 --> 00:26:25.680
Or even if they didn't send the text,

428
00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:26.760
the next time you talk to them,

429
00:26:26.760 --> 00:26:28.200
they're not acting like nothing happened.

430
00:26:28.200 --> 00:26:31.360
It's like, hey, woo, it didn't happen.

431
00:26:31.360 --> 00:26:33.800
I thought it would, I didn't get an opportunity.

432
00:26:33.800 --> 00:26:37.260
And so you give it enough time so that life can life.

433
00:26:39.840 --> 00:26:41.320
If a person is consistent,

434
00:26:41.320 --> 00:26:42.600
you're gonna start seeing a pattern

435
00:26:42.600 --> 00:26:43.760
that they're really are consistent.

436
00:26:43.760 --> 00:26:44.720
If they're inconsistent,

437
00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:45.840
you're gonna start to see a pattern

438
00:26:45.840 --> 00:26:47.240
that they're inconsistent.

439
00:26:47.240 --> 00:26:48.880
It is really hard.

440
00:26:48.880 --> 00:26:53.640
Consistency is not an easy thing to pull out.

441
00:26:53.640 --> 00:26:58.640
It's just not.

442
00:26:58.680 --> 00:27:00.840
Think about if you start a new workout routine.

443
00:27:00.840 --> 00:27:02.800
When you ain't consistent, you just ain't consistent.

444
00:27:02.800 --> 00:27:04.600
You can't make consistency up.

445
00:27:06.120 --> 00:27:09.380
You either gonna do something and be working at it

446
00:27:09.380 --> 00:27:12.120
or building upon it, and that's just how it is.

447
00:27:13.760 --> 00:27:15.080
That's kind of how I see that.

448
00:27:15.080 --> 00:27:16.800
Now, what does real chemistry feel like?

449
00:27:16.800 --> 00:27:19.120
Because we know what fireworks feels like.

450
00:27:19.120 --> 00:27:23.440
All this intensity, the nervous system, the dopamine hits.

451
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:27.000
But real chemistry tends to feel like calm curiosity.

452
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:30.200
It feels a little boring.

453
00:27:32.080 --> 00:27:34.120
It feels like it's sitting still.

454
00:27:37.040 --> 00:27:40.280
Just calm curiosity, a steady interest.

455
00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:47.240
It's just steady and paced, relaxed presence.

456
00:27:48.920 --> 00:27:51.760
Yeah, you're not feeling the need to show out who you are,

457
00:27:51.760 --> 00:27:53.260
how wonderful you are.

458
00:27:54.280 --> 00:27:57.200
You're just calm, pleasant.

459
00:27:57.200 --> 00:28:00.160
And attraction that builds over time.

460
00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:02.760
And a lot of times, culture has trained us

461
00:28:02.760 --> 00:28:05.200
that we need attraction from the jump.

462
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:06.400
That's not true.

463
00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:10.240
Attraction from the jump gets you having sex very soon.

464
00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:11.080
I'm just telling you,

465
00:28:11.080 --> 00:28:13.320
if you ever been on here and you had sex before,

466
00:28:13.320 --> 00:28:18.320
attraction very early produces fireworks very quickly.

467
00:28:19.160 --> 00:28:20.000
Very quickly.

468
00:28:21.400 --> 00:28:24.280
I don't like attraction early on.

469
00:28:24.280 --> 00:28:25.640
I am not that person.

470
00:28:26.560 --> 00:28:30.960
And I'm just speaking for me, but I need things paced.

471
00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:32.760
I would rather grow in attraction

472
00:28:32.760 --> 00:28:35.160
because I have found out your character.

473
00:28:36.120 --> 00:28:39.840
And we can go there because if you marry a person,

474
00:28:39.840 --> 00:28:41.960
I don't care how good they look,

475
00:28:41.960 --> 00:28:45.440
whoever they are is the person that you're married to.

476
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:47.440
Whatever bondage they bring into your life

477
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:49.400
is the bondage you're gonna live under.

478
00:28:51.120 --> 00:28:54.320
And it ain't gonna be no, I don't care how he look.

479
00:28:54.320 --> 00:28:56.200
I don't care how tall he is.

480
00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:57.760
You ain't gonna care either.

481
00:28:59.560 --> 00:29:01.440
By the time he get through dragging you

482
00:29:01.440 --> 00:29:02.800
through all sorts of hell,

483
00:29:02.800 --> 00:29:04.480
you ain't gonna wanna look at a man

484
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:06.840
that look like him no more.

485
00:29:06.840 --> 00:29:08.120
I'm telling you.

486
00:29:08.120 --> 00:29:10.400
And you don't wanna move so fast

487
00:29:10.400 --> 00:29:12.800
that you get yourself in a predicament

488
00:29:12.800 --> 00:29:15.120
that costs you your heart

489
00:29:15.160 --> 00:29:16.800
and the time it's gonna take you

490
00:29:16.800 --> 00:29:18.840
to pull yourself back together,

491
00:29:18.840 --> 00:29:20.840
to get back at this thing again.

492
00:29:20.840 --> 00:29:22.640
Because even after you do the hard work

493
00:29:22.640 --> 00:29:23.840
to pull yourself back together,

494
00:29:23.840 --> 00:29:25.200
then you gotta go back through the process

495
00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:27.520
of somebody else saying something just like they said,

496
00:29:27.520 --> 00:29:29.360
independent if you're gonna wall up

497
00:29:29.360 --> 00:29:30.800
or if you're gonna believe again.

498
00:29:30.800 --> 00:29:33.480
You gotta keep doing the same process over and over.

499
00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:35.320
You have to show up vulnerable again.

500
00:29:35.320 --> 00:29:37.280
And so all I'm saying is a lot of times

501
00:29:37.280 --> 00:29:39.000
this instant attraction that we want,

502
00:29:39.000 --> 00:29:41.680
it really does cost us because it will speed up the pace,

503
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:43.160
especially if they start talking

504
00:29:43.160 --> 00:29:44.920
the way we want them to talk.

505
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:47.800
Women love talk.

506
00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:52.720
It's like, tell me what I wanna hear

507
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:54.280
that sounds good to me.

508
00:29:54.280 --> 00:29:56.760
It sounds real good to me.

509
00:29:56.760 --> 00:29:58.440
All right, and so that's why you're so bothered

510
00:29:58.440 --> 00:30:00.600
when they don't ask you anything about yourself.

511
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.400
Cause we, we like to communicate. That's who we are.

512
00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:06.800
So attraction that builds over time.

513
00:30:07.320 --> 00:30:11.920
I feel safest with that type of attraction. Um, it may feel less dramatic,

514
00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:15.960
but it's more stable and it's real. And Jackie says,

515
00:30:15.960 --> 00:30:20.040
it's all secure attachments, secure me and feel boring.

516
00:30:21.720 --> 00:30:24.120
I know me, this is what I was saying. When I talk,

517
00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:29.440
getting to know this guy and we got into a little spat and the inside of me was

518
00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:33.960
like, Ooh, I like him. And I said, no, no, you little toxic monster.

519
00:30:33.960 --> 00:30:35.520
You come out of there.

520
00:30:36.320 --> 00:30:40.520
I know I'm aware like that. I'm attracted to this. Yeah.

521
00:30:40.560 --> 00:30:44.720
Yeah. Let's just duke it out. And we like to argue with me.

522
00:30:45.080 --> 00:30:49.160
I grew up under that toxicity and because I'm healthy and whole,

523
00:30:49.160 --> 00:30:54.160
I can hear it when it talks to me and I can feel it when it responds.

524
00:30:55.520 --> 00:30:59.120
And I know when, um, I can tell when I,

525
00:30:59.160 --> 00:31:02.720
when I have these intense feelings, when I'm getting to know a person,

526
00:31:02.800 --> 00:31:07.720
I know that it's my nervous system and it's an alarm to me that this is not,

527
00:31:08.120 --> 00:31:12.480
this is not safe for me. I will not go along with it.

528
00:31:13.400 --> 00:31:16.440
Meeting a person for the first time and having very instant,

529
00:31:16.440 --> 00:31:20.400
intense feelings is a red flag for you, for yourself.

530
00:31:21.560 --> 00:31:25.600
You don't know them. It's not love.

531
00:31:26.560 --> 00:31:30.480
It's not meant to be because they're in town.

532
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:31.760
I'll tell you how you measure it.

533
00:31:32.360 --> 00:31:36.680
It's not God saying he's the one because that same intense,

534
00:31:36.720 --> 00:31:40.520
instant intense feeling will have you hemmed up in the corner making out.

535
00:31:43.120 --> 00:31:43.960
It's true.

536
00:31:46.560 --> 00:31:49.720
So listen to your nervous system.

537
00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:55.400
When all of these fireworks start going off on the inside of you,

538
00:31:56.600 --> 00:31:59.320
think about it. We just, I just told you, usually when you're,

539
00:31:59.360 --> 00:32:00.880
that's your nervous system.

540
00:32:01.480 --> 00:32:05.000
And a lot of times it is meeting something that is familiar to it.

541
00:32:06.840 --> 00:32:08.200
All right. Um,

542
00:32:10.920 --> 00:32:15.600
real chemistry feels like balance. You want to avoid extremes.

543
00:32:17.280 --> 00:32:21.160
You don't want to force chemistry and you don't want to dismiss, uh,

544
00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:22.040
um,

545
00:32:24.560 --> 00:32:28.640
you don't want to dismiss a connection that's taking its time to develop.

546
00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:33.840
And it actually gives you room to breathe and it gives you space to think

547
00:32:35.400 --> 00:32:40.400
space to think serves you best pacing serves you best.

548
00:32:43.520 --> 00:32:48.160
I was talking to this guy and this is a real recent thing.

549
00:32:48.240 --> 00:32:50.920
I was talking to this guy and he came in really hot.

550
00:32:51.720 --> 00:32:55.920
What are your goals? What did this, this, this, he's just whatever. He's,

551
00:32:55.960 --> 00:33:00.000
he's a minister and oh, that's great. I knew some people that he knew.

552
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:02.320
I know all this, he was ordained and was like all this.

553
00:33:02.520 --> 00:33:07.080
And so my mind just wasn't in the right place. It just wasn't on,

554
00:33:07.160 --> 00:33:11.560
on garden. So what I told you, how you judge a person consistent. And I saw,

555
00:33:11.560 --> 00:33:13.360
I was like, okay, he's on it.

556
00:33:13.760 --> 00:33:17.720
But then I started noticing over the week he didn't really do what he say he

557
00:33:17.720 --> 00:33:18.560
don't do.

558
00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.080
He say it and it took me almost like two weeks to catch up with it

559
00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:29.200
because I had already made some decisions in my mind about him based on the

560
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:33.600
community that he runs with based on this, based on all of these things.

561
00:33:33.600 --> 00:33:36.040
You can, so sometimes when you date in community,

562
00:33:36.040 --> 00:33:39.560
you will give that person more credit based on the people they know and the

563
00:33:39.560 --> 00:33:40.400
people you know.

564
00:33:42.560 --> 00:33:43.160
And you'll say,

565
00:33:43.160 --> 00:33:47.360
I know they're good people because they're connected to so-and-so you don't

566
00:33:47.480 --> 00:33:52.160
know that they vouch for them. I had a really good friend and I'm gonna,

567
00:33:52.200 --> 00:33:54.320
I'm gonna, I'm gonna wrap it up here without family.

568
00:33:54.320 --> 00:33:58.120
I had a really good friend and um, anyway,

569
00:33:58.680 --> 00:34:03.160
she, she, she was in the program and um, she, um, anyway,

570
00:34:03.240 --> 00:34:06.400
she met this guy and the, her community knew him,

571
00:34:06.720 --> 00:34:10.040
this state community knew him. She calls me and she's like, Hey,

572
00:34:10.440 --> 00:34:14.840
this is who I met. I believe this is the one I believe got this. And I said,

573
00:34:14.840 --> 00:34:20.159
Hey, no. She's like, huh? I said, no. I said, I don't agree with that.

574
00:34:20.159 --> 00:34:24.280
I don't believe with that. I don't agree with that method. I said,

575
00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:26.520
they may know him, but they, they don't know him.

576
00:34:27.239 --> 00:34:29.520
They don't know what he does in his bedroom at night.

577
00:34:30.040 --> 00:34:32.000
They don't know who he talks on the phone to.

578
00:34:32.440 --> 00:34:35.719
They don't know anything about this man. They may know what he shows them,

579
00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:38.440
but they don't know him. But I said, most importantly,

580
00:34:38.679 --> 00:34:43.440
they don't know him enough for you to trust him according to their word about

581
00:34:43.520 --> 00:34:48.199
him. For you to relink with your heart interest to him,

582
00:34:48.480 --> 00:34:50.679
take their words and hold them,

583
00:34:51.040 --> 00:34:55.520
but not say you come get a seat at my table because so-and-so vouched for you.

584
00:34:56.960 --> 00:35:00.040
You get a ear from me. You get my attention.

585
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.960
you get dinner with me, but you don't get a seat at the table

586
00:35:03.960 --> 00:35:06.640
in some of these intimate spaces of my heart

587
00:35:06.640 --> 00:35:10.920
based on what someone said about you.

588
00:35:10.920 --> 00:35:17.040
And it turned into a really big, big, big, big mess.

589
00:35:17.040 --> 00:35:18.600
It did not turn out well.

590
00:35:18.600 --> 00:35:22.320
And it was a mess.

591
00:35:22.320 --> 00:35:24.480
It was very hard.

592
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:26.560
He was still married.

593
00:35:26.560 --> 00:35:29.280
And I'm like, we don't do still married.

594
00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:30.000
Don't do that.

595
00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:30.640
Don't do that.

596
00:35:30.640 --> 00:35:32.080
I said, I've been married before.

597
00:35:32.080 --> 00:35:33.160
I know married people.

598
00:35:33.160 --> 00:35:34.920
Married people, they're still married.

599
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:37.400
They can decide at any point to go back to their spouse.

600
00:35:37.400 --> 00:35:39.240
Because anybody who's ever been married

601
00:35:39.240 --> 00:35:41.760
wants their marriage most of the time.

602
00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:43.760
And if a person can say, let's work this out,

603
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:45.120
especially if they have children,

604
00:35:45.120 --> 00:35:47.200
you are going to work it out unless you

605
00:35:47.200 --> 00:35:49.120
have to fight for your life to get out of it.

606
00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:54.880
That's marriage.

607
00:35:54.880 --> 00:35:57.240
Yes, that is called adultery.

608
00:35:57.240 --> 00:35:59.320
I don't care if you ain't the papers ain't signed.

609
00:35:59.320 --> 00:36:00.400
Well, they in the process.

610
00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:01.200
They ain't signed.

611
00:36:01.200 --> 00:36:01.800
Don't do it.

612
00:36:01.800 --> 00:36:02.880
I know married people.

613
00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:03.640
I've been one.

614
00:36:03.640 --> 00:36:06.120
They will turn around and tear them papers up.

615
00:36:06.120 --> 00:36:08.800
And we going to make this work, baby.

616
00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:10.480
It's just the nature of the game.

617
00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:15.240
And it wasn't about just like I said, but it was what.

618
00:36:15.240 --> 00:36:18.000
It happened just like that.

619
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:22.000
I said, nobody wants to give up their small children

620
00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:22.600
in divorce.

621
00:36:22.600 --> 00:36:25.360
Nobody wants to do that.

622
00:36:25.360 --> 00:36:29.840
But anyway, so I am saying that this thing about it's

623
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:30.560
nothing wrong.

624
00:36:30.560 --> 00:36:31.960
We want to date in community.

625
00:36:31.960 --> 00:36:33.080
That's not what I'm saying.

626
00:36:33.080 --> 00:36:34.800
It's a wonderful thing.

627
00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:38.280
But before someone gets a seat at the table of your heart,

628
00:36:38.280 --> 00:36:40.120
let them show you who they are.

629
00:36:40.120 --> 00:36:41.480
Go through the same process.

630
00:36:41.480 --> 00:36:43.520
Have the same boundaries.

631
00:36:43.520 --> 00:36:45.320
Put yourself on the boundaries.

632
00:36:45.320 --> 00:36:46.680
Boundaries are for you first.

633
00:36:46.680 --> 00:36:48.080
They serve you best.

634
00:36:48.080 --> 00:36:51.240
All right, so how does this all work together?

635
00:36:51.240 --> 00:36:53.600
This is what I posted for you in the early stage.

636
00:36:53.600 --> 00:36:54.960
There's some attraction.

637
00:36:54.960 --> 00:36:56.840
And there's a no clear no.

638
00:36:56.840 --> 00:36:57.960
So just stay open.

639
00:36:57.960 --> 00:37:00.720
If you're in the early stage, there's some attraction there.

640
00:37:00.720 --> 00:37:02.120
But it's a no clear no.

641
00:37:02.120 --> 00:37:03.200
You still have a yes.

642
00:37:03.200 --> 00:37:04.120
Keep going.

643
00:37:04.120 --> 00:37:06.520
And then when you get to the dating stage,

644
00:37:06.520 --> 00:37:09.440
you're observing their consistency.

645
00:37:09.440 --> 00:37:12.880
And that also your body responds to them over time.

646
00:37:12.880 --> 00:37:16.400
Your nervous system tells you a lot, ladies.

647
00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:17.800
It talks to you.

648
00:37:17.800 --> 00:37:20.440
It knows when you're safe.

649
00:37:20.440 --> 00:37:22.800
Sometimes it'll respond to old programming.

650
00:37:22.800 --> 00:37:24.600
This is true.

651
00:37:24.600 --> 00:37:26.520
But it can tell you a lot.

652
00:37:26.520 --> 00:37:29.120
And what it does, don't tell you about that person.

653
00:37:29.120 --> 00:37:31.120
It tells you about you.

654
00:37:31.120 --> 00:37:32.800
So then you have the responsibility

655
00:37:32.800 --> 00:37:35.480
to ask me, hey, what's happening right now?

656
00:37:35.480 --> 00:37:37.000
What are you thinking?

657
00:37:37.000 --> 00:37:38.200
What are you feeling?

658
00:37:38.200 --> 00:37:40.400
What are you believing?

659
00:37:40.400 --> 00:37:41.720
OK?

660
00:37:41.720 --> 00:37:45.200
And then ongoing, my clarity is built from patterns, not

661
00:37:45.200 --> 00:37:47.320
moments.

662
00:37:47.320 --> 00:37:50.240
You want to build your clarity of an individual

663
00:37:50.240 --> 00:37:53.280
from their patterns.

664
00:37:53.280 --> 00:38:01.440
What they do over time, T-I-M-E, time, over time.

665
00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:03.360
And sometimes this stuff will sneak up on you.

666
00:38:03.360 --> 00:38:04.200
I'm telling you.

667
00:38:04.200 --> 00:38:05.680
You got to watch it.

668
00:38:05.680 --> 00:38:08.400
That did just snuck up on me not too long ago.

669
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:10.400
I said, what was I thinking?

670
00:38:10.400 --> 00:38:11.200
I wasn't.

671
00:38:11.200 --> 00:38:11.880
I was tired.

672
00:38:11.880 --> 00:38:13.560
I'm a schoolteacher.

673
00:38:13.560 --> 00:38:15.160
Woo!

674
00:38:15.160 --> 00:38:16.600
I had to send that text.

675
00:38:16.600 --> 00:38:17.560
We on a line.

676
00:38:17.560 --> 00:38:20.440
Whoa, brother.

677
00:38:20.440 --> 00:38:22.000
It's OK.

678
00:38:22.080 --> 00:38:23.840
I know you look inconsistent.

679
00:38:23.840 --> 00:38:24.920
I asked you to fix it.

680
00:38:24.920 --> 00:38:25.640
You didn't did it.

681
00:38:25.640 --> 00:38:26.360
Got to go.

682
00:38:26.360 --> 00:38:28.080
OK, now.

683
00:38:28.080 --> 00:38:29.000
It's OK.

684
00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:30.040
That's just who you are.

685
00:38:30.040 --> 00:38:31.080
This is just who I am.

686
00:38:33.800 --> 00:38:34.320
Right?

687
00:38:34.320 --> 00:38:37.360
And then the chemistry awareness.

688
00:38:37.360 --> 00:38:42.200
I'm not confusing fireworks with compatibility.

689
00:38:42.200 --> 00:38:45.280
And this thing, this confusing fireworks with compatibility,

690
00:38:45.280 --> 00:38:47.920
if you sit still long enough, you

691
00:38:47.920 --> 00:38:49.800
can't tell the difference between fireworks

692
00:38:49.800 --> 00:38:51.360
and compatibility.

693
00:38:51.360 --> 00:38:53.120
I heard this person say this.

694
00:38:53.120 --> 00:38:56.080
They said, when I go out with this person,

695
00:38:56.080 --> 00:38:57.680
we have so much fun.

696
00:38:57.680 --> 00:39:01.160
But I'm thinking, is it just because I'm a fun person?

697
00:39:04.840 --> 00:39:07.200
This is telling compatibility.

698
00:39:07.200 --> 00:39:08.720
This is how you tell the difference.

699
00:39:08.720 --> 00:39:10.160
It's very clear.

700
00:39:10.160 --> 00:39:14.000
You just have to sit and think about it.

701
00:39:14.000 --> 00:39:17.720
So I'm a fun, funny, outgoing person.

702
00:39:17.720 --> 00:39:22.120
But sometimes, I can tell when I'm bringing the show.

703
00:39:22.120 --> 00:39:24.360
Now, sometimes, I can pretty much always tell

704
00:39:24.360 --> 00:39:26.720
when I am the promoter of the show.

705
00:39:26.720 --> 00:39:29.840
Even with my friends, I got some friends who are introverted.

706
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:33.000
If I don't bring the show, we going to be sitting there bored.

707
00:39:33.000 --> 00:39:34.120
I know it's me.

708
00:39:34.120 --> 00:39:35.800
And so sometimes, they want to hang out.

709
00:39:35.800 --> 00:39:36.840
I said, too much work.

710
00:39:36.840 --> 00:39:37.520
I can't.

711
00:39:37.520 --> 00:39:38.400
I'm tired.

712
00:39:38.400 --> 00:39:39.480
I'm just tired.

713
00:39:39.480 --> 00:39:43.160
I know how much work I got to do to have fun with them.

714
00:39:43.160 --> 00:39:45.000
I got to bring it.

715
00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:46.960
I have a really good friend.

716
00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:49.000
We were best friends in college.

717
00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:49.880
And he'll call me.

718
00:39:49.880 --> 00:39:50.840
I won't answer the phone.

719
00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:51.480
He boring.

720
00:39:51.480 --> 00:39:53.640
That's why I told him to call his women, leave them.

721
00:39:53.640 --> 00:39:54.600
He can't keep a woman.

722
00:39:54.600 --> 00:39:57.160
He's so boring.

723
00:39:57.160 --> 00:40:01.200
And I have to do all the work in the comfort.

724
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.160
For Satan, I told him, Ty, I cannot pull the weight.

725
00:40:05.160 --> 00:40:06.920
I love him, bless his little heart.

726
00:40:06.920 --> 00:40:08.360
All the women leave me.

727
00:40:08.360 --> 00:40:09.480
He fine.

728
00:40:09.480 --> 00:40:11.760
But they don't want him.

729
00:40:11.760 --> 00:40:13.800
He don't want to go out to dinner, y'all.

730
00:40:13.800 --> 00:40:16.200
This boy don't want to do nothing but sit at the house.

731
00:40:16.200 --> 00:40:18.480
And I was like, you're boring.

732
00:40:18.480 --> 00:40:20.160
No woman wants this boring life.

733
00:40:20.160 --> 00:40:21.960
And when she first gets with you, you fine.

734
00:40:21.960 --> 00:40:23.600
So she thinks she got herself something.

735
00:40:23.600 --> 00:40:25.360
So she find out you don't want to do them,

736
00:40:25.360 --> 00:40:27.600
and go outdoors and play with them dogs all day.

737
00:40:27.600 --> 00:40:28.560
Get on the phone.

738
00:40:28.560 --> 00:40:32.640
Don't have nothing to say, nothing.

739
00:40:32.640 --> 00:40:36.200
He go, bud, listen, I need your advice about something.

740
00:40:36.200 --> 00:40:37.360
This is what happened.

741
00:40:37.360 --> 00:40:39.120
After that, he shut up.

742
00:40:39.120 --> 00:40:41.760
And I got to told him the rest of the way.

743
00:40:41.760 --> 00:40:42.760
I can't do this.

744
00:40:42.760 --> 00:40:45.920
OK, so anyway.

745
00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:48.680
So you're not confusing fireworks with compatibility,

746
00:40:48.680 --> 00:40:51.720
and you're not ignoring the steady attraction either.

747
00:40:51.720 --> 00:40:53.880
So there's a steady, slow attraction.

748
00:40:53.880 --> 00:40:55.360
Don't ignore it.

749
00:40:55.360 --> 00:40:57.760
And you don't have to hope for something faster.

750
00:40:57.760 --> 00:40:59.360
Sometimes you'll say this to yourself.

751
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:00.520
Well, I need to see.

752
00:41:00.520 --> 00:41:02.200
I need to see where this is going to go.

753
00:41:02.200 --> 00:41:03.280
I just need to know.

754
00:41:03.280 --> 00:41:05.440
I need to know what they're thinking, what they're this,

755
00:41:05.440 --> 00:41:06.240
what they're that.

756
00:41:06.240 --> 00:41:07.840
There is a time and a place for that.

757
00:41:07.840 --> 00:41:11.040
So you can surely, in week three,

758
00:41:11.040 --> 00:41:15.640
if you can't tell if they're marriage minded, you can ask.

759
00:41:15.640 --> 00:41:20.040
Hey, you can say, I date with intentionality,

760
00:41:20.040 --> 00:41:21.760
and I am marriage minded.

761
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:24.640
I'm not desiring to marry you because I don't know you.

762
00:41:24.640 --> 00:41:25.880
But I do want to know.

763
00:41:25.880 --> 00:41:29.720
I wanted you to know my mindset, and I would really

764
00:41:29.720 --> 00:41:33.160
enjoy hearing your perspective.

765
00:41:33.160 --> 00:41:35.000
And if they say they're not marriage minded,

766
00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:38.080
please don't get insulted.

767
00:41:38.080 --> 00:41:40.280
And don't say stuff like, why are you wasting my time?

768
00:41:40.280 --> 00:41:42.160
He talking to you because he like you.

769
00:41:42.160 --> 00:41:44.440
He think you're cute.

770
00:41:44.440 --> 00:41:49.480
Let the people tell you y'all pretty ladies.

771
00:41:49.480 --> 00:41:52.080
Man's supposed to tell you you're beautiful.

772
00:41:52.080 --> 00:41:54.720
Let the people tell you what they see.

773
00:41:54.720 --> 00:41:59.360
Let the men shower you with compliments.

774
00:41:59.360 --> 00:42:03.160
You are worthy of compliments.

775
00:42:03.160 --> 00:42:06.440
And give some back.

776
00:42:06.440 --> 00:42:08.960
So if I'm on a dating app, and a man says to me, hey,

777
00:42:08.960 --> 00:42:10.800
beautiful, I say, you know what?

778
00:42:10.800 --> 00:42:13.440
You look really nice in that picture with that orange shirt,

779
00:42:13.440 --> 00:42:15.240
if I must say so myself.

780
00:42:15.240 --> 00:42:17.040
They get so excited.

781
00:42:17.040 --> 00:42:21.360
But I do try to give a compliment back.

782
00:42:21.800 --> 00:42:22.960
Sometimes it's hard.

783
00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:25.880
Sometimes it's hard.

784
00:42:25.880 --> 00:42:27.040
I am not a looker person.

785
00:42:27.040 --> 00:42:29.240
As long as I'm the prettiest one in the relationship,

786
00:42:29.240 --> 00:42:31.880
it really doesn't matter.

787
00:42:31.880 --> 00:42:33.920
And as long as they don't look like a crocodile,

788
00:42:33.920 --> 00:42:34.800
we are all good.

789
00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:35.880
I'm not.

790
00:42:35.880 --> 00:42:38.040
You just have to dress nice.

791
00:42:38.040 --> 00:42:40.960
You got to look good, like you got to dress nice.

792
00:42:40.960 --> 00:42:43.640
But I am not a big looks person.

793
00:42:43.640 --> 00:42:46.040
So everybody's not like me.

794
00:42:46.040 --> 00:42:47.680
So they could just be decent.

795
00:42:47.680 --> 00:42:49.880
Just be decent.

796
00:42:49.880 --> 00:42:52.120
Be somebody I can take home to my mom and dad.

797
00:42:52.120 --> 00:42:52.720
That's all.

798
00:42:55.960 --> 00:42:57.160
Anyway, OK.

799
00:42:57.160 --> 00:42:57.960
That was fun.

800
00:42:57.960 --> 00:43:00.560
So final takeaway is a yes until it's a no.

801
00:43:00.560 --> 00:43:03.320
And we do not let us have funny emojis.

802
00:43:03.320 --> 00:43:07.880
And you don't want to force certainty.

803
00:43:07.880 --> 00:43:10.280
You want to start recognizing certainty.

804
00:43:10.280 --> 00:43:12.040
It is very easy to force certainty.

805
00:43:12.040 --> 00:43:14.560
And I have been a person, I want certainty.

806
00:43:14.560 --> 00:43:16.440
Certainty makes us feel safe.

807
00:43:16.440 --> 00:43:18.000
And sometimes you'll find yourself

808
00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:20.440
doing that very early on because you want it.

809
00:43:20.440 --> 00:43:22.280
You're like, I don't want to invest too much.

810
00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:23.400
I don't want to give my heart.

811
00:43:23.400 --> 00:43:24.360
Like, I just need to know.

812
00:43:24.360 --> 00:43:26.040
I just need to know where this is going.

813
00:43:26.040 --> 00:43:29.960
I am telling you, even if a person tells you on week two

814
00:43:29.960 --> 00:43:32.440
that they're marriage minded and they're intentional,

815
00:43:32.440 --> 00:43:35.200
that still doesn't tell you where you're going.

816
00:43:35.200 --> 00:43:36.800
Even if they say they want to see,

817
00:43:36.800 --> 00:43:38.800
they want to invest and see how things go.

818
00:43:38.800 --> 00:43:40.640
In two months, you can find out that that's

819
00:43:40.640 --> 00:43:42.960
not the person for you.

820
00:43:42.960 --> 00:43:44.440
I've done it so many times.

821
00:43:45.160 --> 00:43:46.640
Don't force certainty.

822
00:43:46.640 --> 00:43:47.520
Go with the flow.

823
00:43:47.520 --> 00:43:49.240
And it's challenging.

824
00:43:49.240 --> 00:43:50.840
For me, it has been challenging.

825
00:43:50.840 --> 00:43:52.640
I can't speak for everyone.

826
00:43:52.640 --> 00:43:54.360
But you're on a faith journey.

827
00:43:54.360 --> 00:43:56.040
You're believing God for a spouse.

828
00:43:56.040 --> 00:43:59.560
That alone makes this a little bit more complicated

829
00:43:59.560 --> 00:44:03.600
or a little bit more challenging not to want that certainty.

830
00:44:03.600 --> 00:44:06.760
And so if you're craving certainty too much,

831
00:44:06.760 --> 00:44:11.800
be mindful of how much emotional energy you're putting into it.

832
00:44:12.120 --> 00:44:15.920
Because sometimes they will push you to desire more certainty

833
00:44:15.920 --> 00:44:18.200
because of how much you're giving up

834
00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:22.200
or how much of you you're releasing.

835
00:44:22.200 --> 00:44:24.640
Now, some people don't like to talk to more than one person.

836
00:44:24.640 --> 00:44:28.520
But if you find that you have trouble with it,

837
00:44:28.520 --> 00:44:30.960
it's a really good possibility.

838
00:44:30.960 --> 00:44:33.240
Maybe you should try talking to somebody else.

839
00:44:33.240 --> 00:44:35.640
Maybe you should try filling your schedule a little bit

840
00:44:35.640 --> 00:44:36.160
more.

841
00:44:36.160 --> 00:44:39.560
Make yourself busy.

842
00:44:39.560 --> 00:44:40.560
Make your mind busy.

843
00:44:40.560 --> 00:44:43.520
Even if you don't talk to another guy, do something.

844
00:44:43.520 --> 00:44:45.080
Get a new hobby.

845
00:44:45.080 --> 00:44:48.440
These things really help you take your mind

846
00:44:48.440 --> 00:44:50.840
and put it somewhere else.

847
00:44:50.840 --> 00:44:55.720
Do what you have to do to keep you balanced.

848
00:44:55.720 --> 00:44:59.160
Because you want certainty so you could just release it.

849
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.040
Lisa be like, good, finally made it.

850
00:45:03.040 --> 00:45:04.800
Now let's just be ourself.

851
00:45:04.800 --> 00:45:09.080
And so what I was thinking was, no, no.

852
00:45:09.080 --> 00:45:12.600
Be yourself, but don't give yourself away

853
00:45:12.600 --> 00:45:14.960
until one who has not proved themselves worthy

854
00:45:14.960 --> 00:45:19.840
to steward you, to care for you, or to choose you.

855
00:45:22.560 --> 00:45:25.920
No, no, no, no, no, no.

856
00:45:25.920 --> 00:45:27.240
We don't give ourselves away

857
00:45:27.240 --> 00:45:29.440
to those who cannot steward us well.

858
00:45:31.000 --> 00:45:32.800
It is not worth it.

859
00:45:34.360 --> 00:45:35.600
Yep, great.

860
00:45:35.600 --> 00:45:39.680
So, okay, we'll stop there.

861
00:45:39.680 --> 00:45:42.640
It is 48, okay.

862
00:45:43.720 --> 00:45:46.560
We gonna make it quicker than everybody.

863
00:45:46.560 --> 00:45:49.360
Consider everybody because at 8.30 we gonna stop

864
00:45:49.360 --> 00:45:51.080
cause we got a field trip tomorrow at work

865
00:45:51.080 --> 00:45:53.680
and I gotta come with my A-game.

866
00:45:53.680 --> 00:45:55.880
I don't know who went first.

867
00:45:55.880 --> 00:45:57.440
I didn't write it down.

868
00:45:57.440 --> 00:45:59.760
I do know somewhere.

869
00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:01.240
Go ahead, Rosanna, it's you.

870
00:46:03.040 --> 00:46:04.560
Whoever was first, go for it.

871
00:46:04.560 --> 00:46:06.240
I'm sure you know who you are.

872
00:46:06.240 --> 00:46:07.520
They said Karen.

873
00:46:07.520 --> 00:46:08.440
Is it Karen?

874
00:46:08.440 --> 00:46:10.280
Yep, Karen, it's you.

875
00:46:10.280 --> 00:46:11.120
Hey, Karen.

876
00:46:13.040 --> 00:46:14.520
You won't go on a field trip

877
00:46:14.520 --> 00:46:16.360
till you get in that bus with all them third graders.

878
00:46:16.360 --> 00:46:18.200
You gonna change your mind, Lovetta.

879
00:46:21.080 --> 00:46:22.000
Hey, Karen.

880
00:46:22.000 --> 00:46:24.360
Hey, hey, I'm assuming it's me, Karen.

881
00:46:24.360 --> 00:46:25.560
I know Karen Walsh is on here too.

882
00:46:25.560 --> 00:46:26.560
Oh, it's two Karens.

883
00:46:26.560 --> 00:46:28.600
Oh no, Karen Walsh was last though.

884
00:46:28.600 --> 00:46:29.440
Right, yes.

885
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:30.280
Okay.

886
00:46:31.160 --> 00:46:32.000
I do know it.

887
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:34.720
I mean, when you have many Karens.

888
00:46:35.640 --> 00:46:38.760
Okay, I have a proud moment and a question.

889
00:46:38.760 --> 00:46:39.840
Okay, go for it.

890
00:46:41.320 --> 00:46:44.640
The guy that I'm gonna get together with on Thursday

891
00:46:44.640 --> 00:46:47.360
messaged this morning saying,

892
00:46:47.360 --> 00:46:50.280
let me know if you have ideas of what we can do on Thursday.

893
00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:51.760
Yes.

894
00:46:51.760 --> 00:46:54.440
So I took a minute and went, what would be feminine?

895
00:46:54.440 --> 00:46:56.280
What would Ebony say?

896
00:46:56.280 --> 00:46:58.360
Yeah, I responded to you.

897
00:46:59.120 --> 00:46:59.960
Oh, it didn't show up yet.

898
00:46:59.960 --> 00:47:02.200
I didn't think I made it back to you on time.

899
00:47:03.120 --> 00:47:04.600
I already responded to him.

900
00:47:04.600 --> 00:47:05.440
Okay.

901
00:47:05.440 --> 00:47:07.440
I found a friend who has done this too.

902
00:47:07.440 --> 00:47:08.280
Okay.

903
00:47:08.280 --> 00:47:09.120
Similar mindset.

904
00:47:09.120 --> 00:47:11.120
So we'll see if they're similar.

905
00:47:11.120 --> 00:47:12.640
And so I did respond with,

906
00:47:12.640 --> 00:47:14.880
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better

907
00:47:14.880 --> 00:47:16.400
and our time together.

908
00:47:16.400 --> 00:47:18.240
It would mean a lot to me

909
00:47:18.240 --> 00:47:20.800
if you would set the time and location

910
00:47:20.800 --> 00:47:22.960
and I'm sure you'll make a great choice.

911
00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:23.880
That was great.

912
00:47:24.840 --> 00:47:27.400
It took a lot of courage

913
00:47:27.400 --> 00:47:29.480
and I sent it and I was proud.

914
00:47:29.480 --> 00:47:31.120
And then like an hour later I was like,

915
00:47:31.120 --> 00:47:33.400
oh my goodness, this could go so bad.

916
00:47:33.400 --> 00:47:37.800
Like all the fear, all the like scarcity mindset.

917
00:47:37.800 --> 00:47:39.880
What if I'm being too much of a,

918
00:47:39.880 --> 00:47:41.240
like, am I being too much?

919
00:47:41.240 --> 00:47:43.280
Am I making it more complicated than it needs to be?

920
00:47:43.280 --> 00:47:44.960
Why couldn't I just be lighthearted

921
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:47.280
and say, why don't we do ice cream?

922
00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:50.640
Because I don't want to be planning the rest of my life.

923
00:47:50.640 --> 00:47:51.720
Come on.

924
00:47:52.760 --> 00:47:54.160
I want you to plan.

925
00:47:54.160 --> 00:47:56.200
This is the second date.

926
00:47:56.200 --> 00:47:57.040
That's right.

927
00:47:58.120 --> 00:47:59.200
You did right.

928
00:47:59.200 --> 00:48:00.800
There's that vulnerability hangover,

929
00:48:00.800 --> 00:48:03.320
like, golly, what did I do?

930
00:48:03.320 --> 00:48:04.240
Does that get easier?

931
00:48:04.240 --> 00:48:06.160
So that's my question is like,

932
00:48:06.160 --> 00:48:08.360
okay, I'm adhering to the wisdom.

933
00:48:09.480 --> 00:48:11.240
And then when the question comes of like,

934
00:48:11.240 --> 00:48:13.040
oh, I'm being too much.

935
00:48:13.040 --> 00:48:15.840
Well, I'm going to tell you what I think,

936
00:48:15.840 --> 00:48:17.400
what language,

937
00:48:17.400 --> 00:48:19.040
I think it's the language you use

938
00:48:19.040 --> 00:48:20.960
that made you feel that way.

939
00:48:20.960 --> 00:48:23.560
When you said it would mean a lot to me,

940
00:48:23.560 --> 00:48:25.960
it sounded like he was doing you a favor.

941
00:48:26.720 --> 00:48:27.560
Yeah, I don't like that.

942
00:48:27.560 --> 00:48:28.400
That was my friend's language.

943
00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:30.320
I couldn't figure out how to flip it.

944
00:48:30.320 --> 00:48:31.160
I know.

945
00:48:31.160 --> 00:48:32.720
And so the language that I gave you,

946
00:48:32.720 --> 00:48:34.480
you still did really well.

947
00:48:34.480 --> 00:48:35.320
I don't want to,

948
00:48:35.320 --> 00:48:36.520
but I'm trying to help you identify

949
00:48:36.520 --> 00:48:38.920
why that backfired in a way.

950
00:48:38.920 --> 00:48:39.760
Yeah.

951
00:48:39.760 --> 00:48:40.960
Like I didn't, it didn't sit well with me.

952
00:48:40.960 --> 00:48:41.800
Yeah.

953
00:48:41.800 --> 00:48:42.640
Yeah.

954
00:48:42.640 --> 00:48:43.840
So your language was,

955
00:48:43.840 --> 00:48:45.040
actually the language,

956
00:48:45.040 --> 00:48:46.680
the way you described what you wanted

957
00:48:46.680 --> 00:48:47.800
was your best language.

958
00:48:47.800 --> 00:48:52.000
When you said, I value men who plan.

959
00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:54.080
Your language was the language to use.

960
00:48:54.080 --> 00:48:57.880
So, hey, I go ahead, pick the place,

961
00:48:57.880 --> 00:48:59.000
give me the date and time.

962
00:48:59.000 --> 00:49:02.400
I have a high value for men who do the planning.

963
00:49:02.400 --> 00:49:04.600
Let me just send me the information.

964
00:49:04.600 --> 00:49:06.400
I know you'll make a great choice.

965
00:49:06.400 --> 00:49:07.600
So it wasn't,

966
00:49:07.600 --> 00:49:08.680
you didn't say anything wrong.

967
00:49:08.680 --> 00:49:09.920
There was nothing wrong with you saying,

968
00:49:09.920 --> 00:49:10.840
I would really like,

969
00:49:10.840 --> 00:49:12.280
or whatever you said.

970
00:49:12.280 --> 00:49:14.520
But I think that piece of language

971
00:49:14.520 --> 00:49:16.720
comes from a place of do this for me.

972
00:49:18.200 --> 00:49:20.120
Do it for me.

973
00:49:20.120 --> 00:49:21.880
And it's also when he does it,

974
00:49:21.880 --> 00:49:23.040
you can also turn around

975
00:49:23.040 --> 00:49:25.640
and feel like he did something for you.

976
00:49:26.840 --> 00:49:28.920
But that's not,

977
00:49:28.920 --> 00:49:30.520
that's not it.

978
00:49:30.520 --> 00:49:33.600
You value men who make plans.

979
00:49:35.040 --> 00:49:36.520
That's just it.

980
00:49:36.520 --> 00:49:37.360
Yeah.

981
00:49:37.360 --> 00:49:40.040
And so you're sharing what you value.

982
00:49:40.040 --> 00:49:42.520
And then when he honors from that language,

983
00:49:42.520 --> 00:49:43.400
what you value,

984
00:49:43.400 --> 00:49:45.680
then you have something to track about him.

985
00:49:46.840 --> 00:49:47.680
Yeah.

986
00:49:47.680 --> 00:49:48.520
I like that so much better

987
00:49:48.520 --> 00:49:49.360
because that keeps the,

988
00:49:49.360 --> 00:49:50.840
we're not connected yet.

989
00:49:50.840 --> 00:49:52.680
Like what I value

990
00:49:53.360 --> 00:49:56.200
versus it felt like more like a demand of.

991
00:49:57.160 --> 00:49:58.480
Oh, it wasn't a demand.

992
00:49:58.480 --> 00:50:00.080
It sounded more like a favorite.

993
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.320
It's not a demand.

994
00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:03.680
A demand says, don't ask me what to do.

995
00:50:03.680 --> 00:50:04.640
You figure it out.

996
00:50:07.760 --> 00:50:11.120
A demand, you know, so I just, I think that you did good.

997
00:50:11.120 --> 00:50:13.080
I'm so glad you said it.

998
00:50:13.080 --> 00:50:15.840
But I'm just telling you what the language that

999
00:50:15.840 --> 00:50:18.920
may make you feel the way that you're feeling.

1000
00:50:18.920 --> 00:50:20.360
But it was perfectly fine.

1001
00:50:20.360 --> 00:50:22.280
You did a good job.

1002
00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:23.360
You didn't fold.

1003
00:50:23.360 --> 00:50:26.720
You didn't just do it because you were afraid of rejection

1004
00:50:26.720 --> 00:50:29.240
or you were afraid of what he would say back.

1005
00:50:29.240 --> 00:50:30.520
No.

1006
00:50:30.520 --> 00:50:32.320
And he was probably asking you because he

1007
00:50:32.320 --> 00:50:33.600
didn't want to make a mistake.

1008
00:50:33.600 --> 00:50:35.240
He don't want to get it wrong.

1009
00:50:35.240 --> 00:50:38.240
He's probably had women ream him a new one for making plans.

1010
00:50:38.240 --> 00:50:39.200
Who knows?

1011
00:50:39.200 --> 00:50:40.600
But this is Karen.

1012
00:50:40.600 --> 00:50:42.360
And this is what Karen values.

1013
00:50:42.360 --> 00:50:45.840
And so it was good to start off on a good foot.

1014
00:50:45.840 --> 00:50:48.520
And you made clear what you wanted to happen.

1015
00:50:48.520 --> 00:50:50.640
So he couldn't come back and say something else.

1016
00:50:50.640 --> 00:50:52.000
It was clear.

1017
00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:53.800
Now, let me know the time and place.

1018
00:50:53.800 --> 00:50:55.280
That's all I need from you.

1019
00:50:55.280 --> 00:50:56.280
Yeah.

1020
00:50:56.280 --> 00:50:58.600
Which we don't have yet, so you know.

1021
00:50:58.600 --> 00:51:00.240
I think you did an excellent job.

1022
00:51:00.240 --> 00:51:02.040
And I want you to continue doing that.

1023
00:51:02.040 --> 00:51:03.680
Everyone, please hear that.

1024
00:51:03.680 --> 00:51:05.720
Show up as you.

1025
00:51:05.720 --> 00:51:06.760
Find the language.

1026
00:51:06.760 --> 00:51:09.360
If you don't know the language, take what you want to say

1027
00:51:09.360 --> 00:51:11.440
and put it in chat GPT.

1028
00:51:11.440 --> 00:51:15.360
Tell GPT what you want your outcome to be.

1029
00:51:15.360 --> 00:51:18.560
And let them give you language.

1030
00:51:18.560 --> 00:51:20.080
I forgot about that tool.

1031
00:51:20.080 --> 00:51:21.280
It's a good one.

1032
00:51:21.280 --> 00:51:23.440
Let chat GPT give you language.

1033
00:51:23.440 --> 00:51:25.000
You can't get to somebody.

1034
00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:26.400
Even take what your friends say.

1035
00:51:26.400 --> 00:51:27.080
Put it in there.

1036
00:51:27.080 --> 00:51:28.120
He's not quite hitting it.

1037
00:51:28.120 --> 00:51:30.640
Put it in there and let it give you the language you need.

1038
00:51:33.280 --> 00:51:34.880
It's very helpful.

1039
00:51:34.880 --> 00:51:36.960
Because sometimes we just don't have the language.

1040
00:51:36.960 --> 00:51:39.520
We know what we want, but we don't have the language for it.

1041
00:51:42.160 --> 00:51:43.160
Thank you.

1042
00:51:43.160 --> 00:51:44.000
You're welcome.

1043
00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:45.320
Way to go.

1044
00:51:45.320 --> 00:51:48.320
Thanks.

1045
00:51:48.320 --> 00:51:52.440
Just be prepared to go anywhere he picks and do not complain.

1046
00:51:52.440 --> 00:51:54.920
Don't have to sign up for tennis?

1047
00:51:54.920 --> 00:51:55.640
It don't matter.

1048
00:51:55.640 --> 00:51:56.600
Just look happy.

1049
00:51:56.600 --> 00:52:00.360
And when you get there, say, men really like appreciation.

1050
00:52:00.360 --> 00:52:02.240
This is their language.

1051
00:52:02.240 --> 00:52:04.720
Look, this is great.

1052
00:52:04.720 --> 00:52:07.920
I don't think I could have did better than this myself.

1053
00:52:07.920 --> 00:52:09.320
Wow.

1054
00:52:09.320 --> 00:52:12.160
Oh, did you see they had this on the menu?

1055
00:52:12.160 --> 00:52:13.880
Wow.

1056
00:52:13.880 --> 00:52:17.240
You think he won't be playing the 15 more days, baby.

1057
00:52:17.240 --> 00:52:18.840
He going to have that calendar booked.

1058
00:52:23.560 --> 00:52:25.640
Yep.

1059
00:52:25.640 --> 00:52:26.520
Love it.

1060
00:52:26.520 --> 00:52:29.360
You're going to be eating out the palm of your hand, Karen.

1061
00:52:29.360 --> 00:52:30.200
Well, you know.

1062
00:52:30.200 --> 00:52:33.280
Well, right now, he's my only connection currently.

1063
00:52:33.280 --> 00:52:39.040
So I'm working on a like, OK, fill your time with hobbies.

1064
00:52:39.040 --> 00:52:39.680
It helps.

1065
00:52:39.680 --> 00:52:43.200
It really helps the mind so much.

1066
00:52:43.200 --> 00:52:45.360
Yeah, I got a garden to plant.

1067
00:52:45.360 --> 00:52:46.240
Oh, good.

1068
00:52:46.240 --> 00:52:46.760
Good.

1069
00:52:46.760 --> 00:52:47.560
Do it, Karen.

1070
00:52:47.560 --> 00:52:48.600
Thanks for sharing.

1071
00:52:48.600 --> 00:52:49.760
Thanks.

1072
00:52:49.760 --> 00:52:51.760
You're welcome.

1073
00:52:51.760 --> 00:52:55.760
Whoever's next, just go for it.

1074
00:52:55.760 --> 00:52:57.160
I believe it's me.

1075
00:52:57.160 --> 00:52:59.200
Hey, Luann, I miss you.

1076
00:52:59.200 --> 00:53:00.680
Hello.

1077
00:53:00.680 --> 00:53:01.640
Me too.

1078
00:53:01.640 --> 00:53:04.240
It's been a good minute.

1079
00:53:04.240 --> 00:53:05.120
Thank you.

1080
00:53:05.120 --> 00:53:08.640
I said it's been a good minute.

1081
00:53:08.640 --> 00:53:13.400
So today, I wanted to share certain feelings

1082
00:53:13.400 --> 00:53:15.520
about yesterday's spotlight.

1083
00:53:20.720 --> 00:53:25.120
So I came to a realization that I might not

1084
00:53:25.120 --> 00:53:31.720
be wanting the men that would be actually suitable for me.

1085
00:53:31.720 --> 00:53:35.400
Because she described Matthew, who was the guy,

1086
00:53:35.400 --> 00:53:39.800
exactly as what I think I want, right?

1087
00:53:39.800 --> 00:53:40.760
I'm sorry.

1088
00:53:40.760 --> 00:53:46.200
She's a puppy, and she's a handful, and she barks.

1089
00:53:46.200 --> 00:53:48.960
That's why I'm trying to hold her.

1090
00:53:49.000 --> 00:53:57.160
And then he's like, well, at my church, no women are leaders.

1091
00:53:57.160 --> 00:54:01.560
And I want a woman to stay in the house.

1092
00:54:01.560 --> 00:54:07.440
And I'm this person who, I've been working since I'm 13.

1093
00:54:11.280 --> 00:54:14.840
I've always been responsible for my own bills, and my own life,

1094
00:54:14.840 --> 00:54:16.600
and my own choices.

1095
00:54:16.640 --> 00:54:19.920
And now I have my own business.

1096
00:54:19.920 --> 00:54:23.960
So it's just getting me, like my mind

1097
00:54:23.960 --> 00:54:30.160
is going at 100 million miles per hour right now.

1098
00:54:30.160 --> 00:54:34.640
Because I'm like, OK, what do I want then?

1099
00:54:34.640 --> 00:54:38.160
What's the kind of man that's still loyal, and good,

1100
00:54:38.160 --> 00:54:43.360
and masculine, and marriage-minded,

1101
00:54:43.360 --> 00:54:44.480
and all the good stuff?

1102
00:54:44.520 --> 00:54:50.800
But would want a woman like me, you know?

1103
00:54:50.800 --> 00:54:52.360
So let me re-pitch.

1104
00:54:52.360 --> 00:54:58.800
No, just to give you an update, no news on dating or anything.

1105
00:54:58.800 --> 00:55:01.440
I'm still at the very center.

1106
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.220
Same stage nobody with you on the were you in the hot seat?

1107
00:55:07.560 --> 00:55:09.560
It's called spotlight yesterday

1108
00:55:10.280 --> 00:55:16.080
Jackie no, no, no Jackie introduced someone from the group. Okay

1109
00:55:17.440 --> 00:55:19.440
It was a guy called Matthew

1110
00:55:20.200 --> 00:55:26.040
Okay, I didn't know if you were a spotlight if you were in the seat in these guys sometimes in phase three

1111
00:55:26.440 --> 00:55:31.280
They do where the woman is there and the man choose between the three women and I don't know

1112
00:55:32.040 --> 00:55:36.200
The oh, that's so cool. Okay. No, I'm not in phase three yet. No, I

1113
00:55:37.400 --> 00:55:39.400
Am an extrovert. I don't care

1114
00:55:45.520 --> 00:55:49.200
No from there you're saying you wonder to yourself like

1115
00:55:50.040 --> 00:55:51.600
Yes

1116
00:55:51.600 --> 00:55:54.800
I've been having this in my mind. I even moved to

1117
00:55:55.240 --> 00:56:01.160
Oklahoma Tulsa like thinking well in Miami, there's no like these cowboy like man

1118
00:56:01.720 --> 00:56:04.040
you know Christian and stuff and

1119
00:56:04.640 --> 00:56:06.820
then when he was talking I'm like

1120
00:56:07.920 --> 00:56:09.400
Huh?

1121
00:56:09.400 --> 00:56:11.400
That's not me at all

1122
00:56:14.280 --> 00:56:19.800
So I find right now I'm needing help to reroute I'm like

1123
00:56:20.480 --> 00:56:22.360
yeah, I

1124
00:56:22.400 --> 00:56:26.560
Think that I want to share this with all of you and I think that

1125
00:56:28.720 --> 00:56:30.720
Everybody is so different

1126
00:56:31.720 --> 00:56:33.720
Every woman on here wants something different

1127
00:56:35.960 --> 00:56:42.560
Everybody's lifestyle is set up differently and you're just a different person and that man wants something different that other man won't I

1128
00:56:42.800 --> 00:56:47.760
Know so many men who don't believe it's possible for them not to have a two-income household

1129
00:56:48.520 --> 00:56:50.600
There are some men who are past their child

1130
00:56:51.520 --> 00:56:54.720
Rearing stages, they don't need that type of lifestyle

1131
00:56:55.680 --> 00:57:01.960
Right, and so I want you to know Matthew is just one person. He's just one man. He know I

1132
00:57:02.960 --> 00:57:08.360
Understand that and I'm not saying he's the only man in the world. I'm just saying that it was

1133
00:57:09.240 --> 00:57:13.080
interesting for him to have every single characteristic of what I

1134
00:57:14.520 --> 00:57:19.280
Thought I wanted and I've been asking God for all this time for four years now

1135
00:57:20.600 --> 00:57:27.720
But then seeing that I'm not the other side of it, you know, like I'm not the mirror to that

1136
00:57:29.320 --> 00:57:33.840
Yeah, so I was gonna continue I'm gonna just pick up right there

1137
00:57:35.200 --> 00:57:36.520
so

1138
00:57:36.520 --> 00:57:38.520
And thank you for bringing that clarity

1139
00:57:38.840 --> 00:57:43.360
Sometimes what we believe we want when it's in front of us like I really don't want it

1140
00:57:43.760 --> 00:57:46.160
But this is what I really want to get to

1141
00:57:47.160 --> 00:57:54.400
Sometimes the things that we desire or we want requires a different version of us and when we are marriage-minded

1142
00:57:54.880 --> 00:57:59.920
We have to come into agreement with being a different version of who we are as a single woman

1143
00:58:01.320 --> 00:58:07.520
And it's not because that's what this man wants. But the version of yourself that you truly do desire requires a change

1144
00:58:08.240 --> 00:58:09.200
and

1145
00:58:09.200 --> 00:58:16.180
So it is very important when you see something you said you want and then you put it against where you are

1146
00:58:16.560 --> 00:58:19.120
You may have to ask the question of yourself

1147
00:58:19.320 --> 00:58:25.480
What has to happen for me to become that version of that woman because I desire that

1148
00:58:26.400 --> 00:58:27.360
and

1149
00:58:27.360 --> 00:58:29.640
So just because you worked your whole life

1150
00:58:30.520 --> 00:58:33.160
Doesn't mean you have to keep working your whole life

1151
00:58:33.240 --> 00:58:37.000
Lana and just because you meet a man who says I want a woman to stay home

1152
00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:42.200
It doesn't mean when he meets you he can't understand that she runs a business. And so yeah

1153
00:58:42.720 --> 00:58:48.800
This is this was my desire, but I've met her and she's amazing and because I'm marriage minded

1154
00:58:48.800 --> 00:58:55.800
I'm willing to give and so in marriage is this beautiful thing about give a little take a little give a little

1155
00:58:56.240 --> 00:59:00.280
That is one of the true core foundations of being marriage minded

1156
00:59:00.960 --> 00:59:05.360
But it is very important for us to understand that when you get married

1157
00:59:05.360 --> 00:59:09.320
You're gonna have to be willing to be a different version of the person that you are now

1158
00:59:10.280 --> 00:59:12.880
Not a different version of your moral compass

1159
00:59:13.520 --> 00:59:17.760
Not a different version of all the wonderful things that make you who you are

1160
00:59:17.960 --> 00:59:23.540
But you are now becoming somebody's wife. You are becoming somebody's helper

1161
00:59:23.740 --> 00:59:25.740
You

1162
00:59:26.180 --> 00:59:32.540
Cannot stay single and be married the single-minded person is different from a marriage minded person

1163
00:59:32.980 --> 00:59:38.460
Even Paul said in the scripture that when you're married you care for the things the natural things first

1164
00:59:39.300 --> 00:59:47.140
Your cares change and we have to I want you guys to think to yourself. Am I willing to be a different version?

1165
00:59:47.900 --> 00:59:51.260
Just like in this program when you showed up in the hard work

1166
00:59:51.260 --> 00:59:56.060
You had to be a different version of the person that you would normally be because you would normally be sitting up here talking about

1167
00:59:56.060 --> 00:59:59.940
All of your business putting your heart out for the world to see

1168
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.780
If you did not shift you wouldn't have got any breakthrough

1169
01:00:05.540 --> 01:00:11.020
It was impossible and then when you get to dating and we said well you got to do ABCD you like, okay

1170
01:00:11.020 --> 01:00:17.040
You know, I'll try it. Whatever if you never try it, you'll never be you got to be willing to become a different version of yourself

1171
01:00:17.920 --> 01:00:22.200
In marriage is one of those things that really require a different version of yourself

1172
01:00:22.200 --> 01:00:24.880
And how do I know this if you don't ladies you don't know me

1173
01:00:24.880 --> 01:00:31.000
I've been married before and I haven't been in married as long as miss bunny. Well, she were married for is it 37 years miss bunny?

1174
01:00:34.680 --> 01:00:36.680
41 51

1175
01:00:40.800 --> 01:00:46.640
She she how you want to cut her cut cut my gonna let her coaches how long is bunny

1176
01:00:46.640 --> 01:00:48.640
Oh

1177
01:00:56.200 --> 01:00:59.560
Yeah, well you be you become two as one

1178
01:00:59.760 --> 01:01:07.080
Yeah, and and when my husband passed I think that and that was 10 years ago when he passed

1179
01:01:07.080 --> 01:01:09.080
I think that was the hardest

1180
01:01:09.520 --> 01:01:10.640
part

1181
01:01:10.640 --> 01:01:11.720
was

1182
01:01:11.720 --> 01:01:13.640
Who am I?

1183
01:01:13.640 --> 01:01:15.640
That is how I felt

1184
01:01:17.160 --> 01:01:19.160
Because everything we

1185
01:01:19.880 --> 01:01:24.800
Thought was, you know, we work together for things and it was a blend

1186
01:01:26.000 --> 01:01:29.520
You become a blend of the two of you

1187
01:01:29.920 --> 01:01:37.720
And so your thoughts and your beliefs not not about the voice so much that but your beliefs about life

1188
01:01:37.720 --> 01:01:40.840
And your home and all of that is

1189
01:01:41.560 --> 01:01:43.320
merged

1190
01:01:43.320 --> 01:01:46.360
So you do become different together

1191
01:01:48.400 --> 01:01:50.560
Yeah, yeah, I agree with you

1192
01:01:51.720 --> 01:01:57.440
Thank you for sharing. Yeah, I think miss I was married for

1193
01:01:58.680 --> 01:02:02.600
Yeah, so it actually took me a good while to

1194
01:02:03.680 --> 01:02:05.680
Leave the marriage mind

1195
01:02:06.000 --> 01:02:12.040
And and go back to whatever who am I and what do I want and all that stuff?

1196
01:02:12.040 --> 01:02:15.000
So maybe that's why it took me four years to be here

1197
01:02:16.400 --> 01:02:21.960
It's a while. No, it took me a while. Yeah, and so yeah, and I apologize for my puppy

1198
01:02:21.960 --> 01:02:24.440
I I can't hear your puppy. So what?

1199
01:02:24.960 --> 01:02:29.640
I don't so with that awareness. I said that to you to say I

1200
01:02:30.400 --> 01:02:36.600
Still believe that the woman that you described or that he described that that woman lives in the inside of you. I

1201
01:02:37.240 --> 01:02:42.040
Don't believe that there's confusion. I don't believe that you can't be that version

1202
01:02:42.040 --> 01:02:46.880
I just believe that right now you have to be who you are because if it doesn't get done who's gonna do it

1203
01:02:46.880 --> 01:02:48.880
you're gonna do it so it's

1204
01:02:49.480 --> 01:02:51.760
Sometimes we try to have grace for where we're not

1205
01:02:52.600 --> 01:02:54.600
You don't have grace for that

1206
01:02:54.640 --> 01:03:00.200
You're not there right now. You got to make this business work right now. You got to do ABCD

1207
01:03:00.200 --> 01:03:05.520
So I said all that for the encouragement of you will be you will have to become a different version

1208
01:03:05.520 --> 01:03:10.160
But it doesn't mean that that version is not in you and it doesn't mean you need to go back and redefine some things

1209
01:03:10.160 --> 01:03:13.160
Maybe refine something, but you don't have to redefine anything

1210
01:03:13.160 --> 01:03:18.200
And I think it's time for your soft gear era and you've been taking care of yourself this long

1211
01:03:18.320 --> 01:03:21.740
You need that masculinity to help soften you

1212
01:03:22.320 --> 01:03:25.600
Well, I wanted it's just not happening. I

1213
01:03:28.720 --> 01:03:31.140
Have signed up well, you know all the

1214
01:03:31.980 --> 01:03:37.380
Stuff and I've moved to a new city I go everywhere

1215
01:03:39.100 --> 01:03:42.860
Every event everything and it just didn't happen

1216
01:03:43.380 --> 01:03:49.460
It's not I am I am a little bit more encouraged now or a lot

1217
01:03:50.500 --> 01:03:57.500
Because a month ago I started a new lifestyle. So I started with medication with

1218
01:03:58.340 --> 01:04:00.340
personal training with

1219
01:04:01.620 --> 01:04:04.540
Nutritionist, yeah so far. I lost 10 pounds

1220
01:04:05.620 --> 01:04:07.260
Yeah

1221
01:04:07.260 --> 01:04:09.260
But it's it's hard

1222
01:04:09.700 --> 01:04:11.700
because I

1223
01:04:12.220 --> 01:04:14.220
I gained

1224
01:04:14.300 --> 01:04:16.300
28 pounds in a year. I

1225
01:04:17.180 --> 01:04:19.180
I'm not myself

1226
01:04:19.900 --> 01:04:23.860
So to give myself grace when 10 pounds means nothing

1227
01:04:24.580 --> 01:04:26.580
to the amount of

1228
01:04:26.940 --> 01:04:30.620
Weight I need to lose is really hard. Yeah

1229
01:04:31.380 --> 01:04:32.820
Yeah

1230
01:04:32.820 --> 01:04:34.820
Well you way to go. I

1231
01:04:35.660 --> 01:04:41.180
Rather you lose 10 pounds and gain 10 pounds and I know you agree with me on it. Oh, yeah

1232
01:04:41.380 --> 01:04:45.780
That's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm like, well at least I lost 10 pounds

1233
01:04:45.780 --> 01:04:50.300
Come on, the only way you're gonna get the 28 hours if you first gotta get the 10

1234
01:04:51.260 --> 01:04:54.980
Yeah. Yeah. I have a way to go but

1235
01:04:55.620 --> 01:04:57.620
I'm happy for you

1236
01:04:58.820 --> 01:05:00.820
Just good

1237
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.000
Thank you.

1238
01:05:01.000 --> 01:05:02.000
Yeah, it's bringing your...

1239
01:05:02.000 --> 01:05:03.000
And I think I've...

1240
01:05:03.000 --> 01:05:04.000
It's restoring your...

1241
01:05:04.000 --> 01:05:05.000
Yeah.

1242
01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:06.000
It's restoring your resilience.

1243
01:05:06.000 --> 01:05:07.000
And I'm missing...

1244
01:05:07.000 --> 01:05:14.400
Yeah, because for all this time, I haven't heard ever that I'm beautiful or any of that

1245
01:05:14.400 --> 01:05:21.000
because maybe I don't feel it, so it just doesn't happen, right?

1246
01:05:21.000 --> 01:05:23.000
Yeah, because you are beautiful.

1247
01:05:23.000 --> 01:05:25.000
Oh my goodness, don't make me cry.

1248
01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:26.000
Thank you.

1249
01:05:26.000 --> 01:05:27.000
You really are beautiful.

1250
01:05:27.000 --> 01:05:30.000
But, you know, nobody's going to be able to convince you of that.

1251
01:05:30.000 --> 01:05:31.000
That's an inside job.

1252
01:05:31.000 --> 01:05:34.000
I don't have many men tell you you're beautiful.

1253
01:05:34.000 --> 01:05:36.000
That's an inside job, but you are beautiful.

1254
01:05:36.000 --> 01:05:38.000
I've always told you you're beautiful.

1255
01:05:38.000 --> 01:05:40.000
Oh, you're so sweet.

1256
01:05:40.000 --> 01:05:42.000
So you're like, nobody like you on the apps.

1257
01:05:42.000 --> 01:05:46.000
I'm like, I'm about these people will be dinging her down.

1258
01:05:46.000 --> 01:05:48.000
Well, I don't know.

1259
01:05:48.000 --> 01:05:49.000
It's...

1260
01:05:49.000 --> 01:05:51.000
I think maybe it's about energy.

1261
01:05:52.000 --> 01:05:58.000
And I do see that the heart work is taking a longer time to sink in.

1262
01:05:58.000 --> 01:06:06.000
So I'm seeing a lot of revelations come up and a lot of things happening.

1263
01:06:06.000 --> 01:06:14.000
And I got to this point where I made these decisions to like, no, I got to go back to a place where I feel comfortable.

1264
01:06:14.000 --> 01:06:16.000
Yeah, that's good.

1265
01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:17.000
That's good.

1266
01:06:17.000 --> 01:06:19.000
Way to go.

1267
01:06:19.000 --> 01:06:20.000
Thank you.

1268
01:06:20.000 --> 01:06:21.000
Come on, my 10 pounds.

1269
01:06:21.000 --> 01:06:23.000
The Lord in my neighborhood.

1270
01:06:23.000 --> 01:06:24.000
Somebody tell me they doing good.

1271
01:06:24.000 --> 01:06:25.000
I'm like, it's on the way.

1272
01:06:25.000 --> 01:06:26.000
It's on the way.

1273
01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:27.000
Yeah.

1274
01:06:27.000 --> 01:06:28.000
All right.

1275
01:06:28.000 --> 01:06:29.000
Okay.

1276
01:06:29.000 --> 01:06:30.000
Let's...

1277
01:06:30.000 --> 01:06:34.000
I'll have to keep a positive mind for sure.

1278
01:06:34.000 --> 01:06:35.000
Yeah.

1279
01:06:35.000 --> 01:06:36.000
Well, so good.

1280
01:06:36.000 --> 01:06:37.000
Way to go.

1281
01:06:37.000 --> 01:06:38.000
Thank you for sharing.

1282
01:06:38.000 --> 01:06:39.000
Thank you.

1283
01:06:39.000 --> 01:06:40.000
You're welcome.

1284
01:06:40.000 --> 01:06:41.000
Whoever was next.

1285
01:06:41.000 --> 01:06:42.000
Go for it, Rosanna.

1286
01:06:42.000 --> 01:06:43.000
Hi, ladies.

1287
01:06:43.000 --> 01:06:44.000
Noana, you are beautiful.

1288
01:06:44.000 --> 01:06:45.000
Hermosa.

1289
01:06:45.000 --> 01:06:46.000
Gorgeous.

1290
01:06:46.000 --> 01:06:47.000
Beautiful.

1291
01:06:47.000 --> 01:06:48.000
Bella.

1292
01:06:48.000 --> 01:06:49.000
You are.

1293
01:06:49.000 --> 01:06:50.000
Oh, my God.

1294
01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:51.000
You ladies, thank you.

1295
01:06:51.000 --> 01:06:52.000
You are.

1296
01:06:52.000 --> 01:06:53.000
Yes.

1297
01:06:53.000 --> 01:06:54.000
You are.

1298
01:06:54.000 --> 01:06:55.000
I'm just...

1299
01:06:55.000 --> 01:06:56.000
About the spotlight really fast.

1300
01:06:56.000 --> 01:07:00.000
I was excited because it encouraged me to believe that they're actually very good men.

1301
01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:01.000
And when I popped...

1302
01:07:01.000 --> 01:07:04.000
When I thought, I was like, oh, it's you.

1303
01:07:04.000 --> 01:07:06.000
Like, I was taken aback for a minute.

1304
01:07:06.000 --> 01:07:07.000
And it encouraged me.

1305
01:07:07.000 --> 01:07:10.000
And I was like, dang it, I don't live in Texas.

1306
01:07:10.000 --> 01:07:11.000
I was like...

1307
01:07:11.000 --> 01:07:15.000
I wrote down in the statement, I'm like, Lord, clone him and bring him up north.

1308
01:07:15.000 --> 01:07:16.000
You know what I mean?

1309
01:07:16.000 --> 01:07:17.000
He's got like eight friends.

1310
01:07:18.000 --> 01:07:19.000
He said he has eight men.

1311
01:07:19.000 --> 01:07:20.000
He mentors other men.

1312
01:07:20.000 --> 01:07:21.000
He's like, Jackie, I'm going to tell them to go.

1313
01:07:21.000 --> 01:07:22.000
And they're like-minded like me.

1314
01:07:22.000 --> 01:07:23.000
Blah, blah, blah.

1315
01:07:23.000 --> 01:07:24.000
And I was like, yes, Lord, please.

1316
01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:26.000
Because maybe one of them wants to move up here.

1317
01:07:26.000 --> 01:07:27.000
You know what I mean?

1318
01:07:27.000 --> 01:07:28.000
Like, maybe somebody wants to relocate.

1319
01:07:28.000 --> 01:07:29.000
I have to have this mentality.

1320
01:07:29.000 --> 01:07:30.000
Who is this man?

1321
01:07:30.000 --> 01:07:31.000
How old was he?

1322
01:07:31.000 --> 01:07:32.000
48 years old.

1323
01:07:32.000 --> 01:07:33.000
Has a gym in his garage.

1324
01:07:33.000 --> 01:07:34.000
Has three young girls.

1325
01:07:34.000 --> 01:07:35.000
Yeah.

1326
01:07:35.000 --> 01:07:36.000
Is he white?

1327
01:07:36.000 --> 01:07:37.000
Yeah.

1328
01:07:37.000 --> 01:07:38.000
Oh, okay.

1329
01:07:38.000 --> 01:07:39.000
What part of...

1330
01:07:39.000 --> 01:07:40.000
Is he white?

1331
01:07:40.000 --> 01:07:41.000
White or just like...

1332
01:07:41.000 --> 01:07:42.000
He's in Austin.

1333
01:07:42.000 --> 01:07:43.000
He's a cowboy white.

1334
01:07:43.000 --> 01:07:44.000
He like...

1335
01:07:44.000 --> 01:07:45.000
Oh, nice.

1336
01:07:46.000 --> 01:07:47.000
Any ethnicity, hair color, blah, blah.

1337
01:07:47.000 --> 01:07:48.000
He was all for it.

1338
01:07:48.000 --> 01:07:49.000
Yeah.

1339
01:07:49.000 --> 01:07:50.000
I was like, I thought it was okay.

1340
01:07:50.000 --> 01:07:51.000
And white people, I didn't mean it like that.

1341
01:07:51.000 --> 01:07:52.000
I'm not trying to call y'all white people.

1342
01:07:52.000 --> 01:07:53.000
I'm trying to get like, you see, like...

1343
01:07:53.000 --> 01:07:54.000
I did not...

1344
01:07:54.000 --> 01:07:55.000
Like, it wasn't like that.

1345
01:07:55.000 --> 01:07:56.000
Please, please don't send an email on me.

1346
01:07:56.000 --> 01:07:57.000
It's not like that.

1347
01:07:57.000 --> 01:07:58.000
It's kind of like...

1348
01:07:58.000 --> 01:07:59.000
I'm an attorney.

1349
01:07:59.000 --> 01:08:00.000
I'll defend you.

1350
01:08:00.000 --> 01:08:01.000
Don't worry.

1351
01:08:01.000 --> 01:08:02.000
Thank you.

1352
01:08:02.000 --> 01:08:03.000
I need to exchange people.

1353
01:08:03.000 --> 01:08:04.000
I need to exchange people.

1354
01:08:04.000 --> 01:08:05.000
I need to exchange people.

1355
01:08:05.000 --> 01:08:06.000
I'm an attorney.

1356
01:08:06.000 --> 01:08:07.000
I'm an attorney.

1357
01:08:07.000 --> 01:08:08.000
I'm an attorney.

1358
01:08:08.000 --> 01:08:09.000
I'm an attorney.

1359
01:08:09.000 --> 01:08:10.000
I'm an attorney.

1360
01:08:10.000 --> 01:08:11.000
I'm an attorney.

1361
01:08:11.000 --> 01:08:12.000
I'm an attorney.

1362
01:08:15.000 --> 01:08:16.000
I need to exchange people.

1363
01:08:16.000 --> 01:08:17.000
I need to exchange people.

1364
01:08:17.000 --> 01:08:18.000
I'm an attorney.

1365
01:08:18.000 --> 01:08:19.000
I'm an attorney.

1366
01:08:19.000 --> 01:08:20.000
I'm an attorney.

1367
01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:21.000
I'm an attorney.

1368
01:08:21.000 --> 01:08:22.000
I'm an attorney.

1369
01:08:22.000 --> 01:08:23.000
I'm an attorney.

1370
01:08:23.000 --> 01:08:24.000
I'm an attorney.

1371
01:08:24.000 --> 01:08:25.000
I'm an attorney.

1372
01:08:25.000 --> 01:08:26.000
I don't even know what to say right now.

1373
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:27.000
What do you mean?

1374
01:08:27.000 --> 01:08:28.000
There are people that are white, white...

1375
01:08:28.000 --> 01:08:29.000
They're so white.

1376
01:08:29.000 --> 01:08:30.000
You know they only want a white woman.

1377
01:08:30.000 --> 01:08:31.000
And then there's like, oh, he's a cowboy.

1378
01:08:31.000 --> 01:08:32.000
He's a man's man, right?

1379
01:08:32.000 --> 01:08:33.000
Yes, yes.

1380
01:08:33.000 --> 01:08:34.000
Corporate white type guy?

1381
01:08:34.000 --> 01:08:35.000
Cowboy white.

1382
01:08:35.000 --> 01:08:36.000
Vajado.

1383
01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:37.000
White Vajado.

1384
01:08:37.000 --> 01:08:38.000
Hey, I'm about to talk, so I need to...

1385
01:08:38.000 --> 01:08:39.000
No, not right now.

1386
01:08:39.000 --> 01:08:40.000
What's wrong?

1387
01:08:40.000 --> 01:08:41.000
One second.

1388
01:08:42.000 --> 01:08:43.000
I'm on right now.

1389
01:08:43.000 --> 01:08:44.000
It's my 15-year-old.

1390
01:08:44.000 --> 01:08:45.000
Can somebody else go?

1391
01:08:45.000 --> 01:08:46.000
I guess I'll get on in a minute.

1392
01:08:46.000 --> 01:08:47.000
Okay.

1393
01:08:47.000 --> 01:08:48.000
Sorry.

1394
01:08:48.000 --> 01:08:49.000
Okay.

1395
01:08:49.000 --> 01:08:50.000
Okay.

1396
01:08:50.000 --> 01:08:51.000
I think I'm next.

1397
01:08:51.000 --> 01:08:52.000
You like corporate white Shelly?

1398
01:08:52.000 --> 01:08:53.000
Well, take him and take your cowboy hat off.

1399
01:08:53.000 --> 01:08:54.000
Send your email me if you like him.

1400
01:08:54.000 --> 01:08:55.000
Aren't you in Texas, Shelly?

1401
01:08:55.000 --> 01:08:56.000
Go ahead, Joanne.

1402
01:08:56.000 --> 01:08:57.000
I think you're next.

1403
01:08:57.000 --> 01:08:58.000
Oh, I don't know, Shelly.

1404
01:08:58.000 --> 01:08:59.000
I thought you were in Texas.

1405
01:08:59.000 --> 01:09:00.000
Okay.

1406
01:09:00.000 --> 01:09:01.000
Okay.

1407
01:09:01.000 --> 01:09:02.000
Okay.

1408
01:09:02.000 --> 01:09:03.000
Okay.

1409
01:09:03.000 --> 01:09:04.000
Okay.

1410
01:09:04.000 --> 01:09:05.000
Okay.

1411
01:09:05.000 --> 01:09:06.000
Okay.

1412
01:09:06.000 --> 01:09:07.000
Okay.

1413
01:09:07.000 --> 01:09:08.000
Okay.

1414
01:09:08.000 --> 01:09:09.000
Okay.

1415
01:09:09.000 --> 01:09:10.000
I thought you were in Texas.

1416
01:09:10.000 --> 01:09:11.000
Okay.

1417
01:09:11.000 --> 01:09:12.000
Go on, Joanne.

1418
01:09:12.000 --> 01:09:13.000
Good news.

1419
01:09:13.000 --> 01:09:14.000
I had a really good date with the guy on Sunday.

1420
01:09:14.000 --> 01:09:15.000
He drove out, and it was really good.

1421
01:09:15.000 --> 01:09:16.000
Joanne, turn your volume up.

1422
01:09:16.000 --> 01:09:17.000
Oh.

1423
01:09:17.000 --> 01:09:18.000
Oh, can you hear me?

1424
01:09:18.000 --> 01:09:19.000
I can hear you.

1425
01:09:19.000 --> 01:09:20.000
I just want to hear you louder.

1426
01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:21.000
Oh, okay.

1427
01:09:21.000 --> 01:09:22.000
Yeah, I was just wanting to give a quick update and then ask a question.

1428
01:09:22.000 --> 01:09:23.000
So, I had a good time with the guy that I went on a date with on Sunday.

1429
01:09:23.000 --> 01:09:24.000
I'm just going to put this down.

1430
01:09:24.000 --> 01:09:25.000
Okay.

1431
01:09:25.000 --> 01:09:26.000
Okay.

1432
01:09:26.000 --> 01:09:27.000
Okay.

1433
01:09:27.000 --> 01:09:28.000
Okay.

1434
01:09:28.000 --> 01:09:29.000
Okay.

1435
01:09:29.000 --> 01:09:30.000
Okay.

1436
01:09:30.000 --> 01:09:31.000
Okay.

1437
01:09:31.000 --> 01:09:32.000
Okay.

1438
01:09:32.000 --> 01:09:33.000
Okay.

1439
01:09:33.000 --> 01:09:34.000
Okay.

1440
01:09:34.000 --> 01:09:35.000
Okay.

1441
01:09:35.000 --> 01:09:36.000
Okay.

1442
01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:37.000
Okay.

1443
01:09:37.000 --> 01:09:38.000
Okay.

1444
01:09:38.000 --> 01:09:39.000
Okay.

1445
01:09:39.000 --> 01:09:40.000
Okay.

1446
01:09:40.000 --> 01:09:41.000
Okay.

1447
01:09:41.000 --> 01:09:42.000
Okay.

1448
01:09:42.000 --> 01:09:43.000
Okay.

1449
01:09:43.000 --> 01:09:44.000
I'm just going to put this down.

1450
01:09:44.000 --> 01:09:45.000
No worries.

1451
01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:46.000
I'm going to put this down.

1452
01:09:46.000 --> 01:09:47.000
And it was sweet.

1453
01:09:47.000 --> 01:09:48.000
He actually asked me right away.

1454
01:09:48.000 --> 01:09:49.000
He's like, you want to meet up again?

1455
01:09:49.000 --> 01:09:50.000
Right away?

1456
01:09:50.000 --> 01:09:51.000
I didn't even have to ask, you know, wait or anything.

1457
01:09:51.000 --> 01:09:52.000
He wanted to meet up.

1458
01:09:52.000 --> 01:09:53.000
So, I haven't heard from him, though, but I'm just going to trust that he's going to get

1459
01:09:53.000 --> 01:09:54.000
back to me, so.

1460
01:09:54.000 --> 01:09:55.000
I don't know.

1461
01:09:55.000 --> 01:09:56.000
I don't know.

1462
01:09:56.000 --> 01:09:57.000
I don't know.

1463
01:09:57.000 --> 01:09:58.000
I don't know.

1464
01:09:58.000 --> 01:09:59.000
I don't know.

1465
01:09:59.000 --> 01:10:00.000
I don't know.

1466
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:01.000
I don't know.

1467
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.040
and set something up.

1468
01:10:01.000 --> 01:10:02.000
I don't know.

1469
01:10:02.000 --> 01:10:03.000
I don't know.

1470
01:10:03.000 --> 01:10:04.000
I don't know.

1471
01:10:03.040 --> 01:10:05.120
Joey, who is this guy?

1472
01:10:05.120 --> 01:10:08.800
Well, he's someone that...

1473
01:10:08.800 --> 01:10:13.400
Well, it's someone that I met online and then...

1474
01:10:13.400 --> 01:10:14.600
Oh, okay.

1475
01:10:14.600 --> 01:10:16.880
Well, you said it, when you talked about him,

1476
01:10:16.880 --> 01:10:18.960
you talked as if I knew who you were talking about.

1477
01:10:18.960 --> 01:10:20.520
So I'm like, who is this person?

1478
01:10:20.520 --> 01:10:22.360
Well, no, I didn't really say much.

1479
01:10:22.360 --> 01:10:25.520
I just said, I'm going on a date with this guy on Sunday

1480
01:10:25.520 --> 01:10:27.560
and I'm really looking forward to it.

1481
01:10:27.560 --> 01:10:29.360
Okay, so you met him online.

1482
01:10:29.360 --> 01:10:31.080
Yeah, went on your date.

1483
01:10:31.080 --> 01:10:33.600
Yeah, I went on the date and it was really good.

1484
01:10:33.600 --> 01:10:38.400
And yeah, and he said, told me afterwards,

1485
01:10:38.400 --> 01:10:39.440
can we set something up?

1486
01:10:39.440 --> 01:10:40.280
I said, sure.

1487
01:10:40.280 --> 01:10:42.600
But I think our schedules weren't lining up immediately.

1488
01:10:42.600 --> 01:10:43.440
We're both cold.

1489
01:10:43.440 --> 01:10:44.880
So he's like, I'll call you or text you.

1490
01:10:44.880 --> 01:10:46.240
And I'm like, sounds good.

1491
01:10:48.520 --> 01:10:50.720
And I sent, you'd be proud of me.

1492
01:10:50.720 --> 01:10:54.040
I did not ask him certain questions.

1493
01:10:54.040 --> 01:10:56.720
It just came up naturally.

1494
01:10:56.720 --> 01:10:58.400
So praise the Lord.

1495
01:10:58.760 --> 01:10:59.880
Praise the Lord.

1496
01:11:01.760 --> 01:11:03.640
I would just say this,

1497
01:11:03.640 --> 01:11:05.640
if certain questions come up naturally,

1498
01:11:05.640 --> 01:11:07.880
you have to release them naturally.

1499
01:11:07.880 --> 01:11:09.800
You have to say, yeah,

1500
01:11:09.800 --> 01:11:11.440
it's a better time for this question.

1501
01:11:11.440 --> 01:11:12.920
And now it's not it.

1502
01:11:14.280 --> 01:11:15.120
What do you mean?

1503
01:11:16.520 --> 01:11:19.760
I mean, even though a question comes up

1504
01:11:19.760 --> 01:11:21.280
and you didn't ask it,

1505
01:11:21.280 --> 01:11:23.720
there's still a place to put that question.

1506
01:11:23.720 --> 01:11:26.240
And it doesn't mean that it's owed an answer.

1507
01:11:27.240 --> 01:11:28.520
Oh, what do you mean?

1508
01:11:28.520 --> 01:11:30.480
Like, I didn't even ask him anything.

1509
01:11:30.480 --> 01:11:31.520
He just brought it up.

1510
01:11:31.520 --> 01:11:33.320
And then he asked me.

1511
01:11:33.320 --> 01:11:37.040
I understand that he asked you, Joanne,

1512
01:11:37.040 --> 01:11:38.360
but I am telling you,

1513
01:11:38.360 --> 01:11:41.280
because I'm kind of, you know,

1514
01:11:41.280 --> 01:11:43.560
been kind of walking with you for a while.

1515
01:11:43.560 --> 01:11:44.400
Yes.

1516
01:11:44.400 --> 01:11:46.040
That even ladies,

1517
01:11:46.040 --> 01:11:48.440
when someone else brings up the question,

1518
01:11:48.440 --> 01:11:51.960
you have to be willing to say, that's a great question,

1519
01:11:51.960 --> 01:11:53.720
but I would like to spend a little more time

1520
01:11:54.000 --> 01:11:56.000
getting to know you before we discuss that.

1521
01:11:56.000 --> 01:11:57.400
Oh, gotcha.

1522
01:11:57.400 --> 01:11:58.240
Okay.

1523
01:11:58.240 --> 01:12:01.240
Because, and let me just add a little commentary to that.

1524
01:12:02.880 --> 01:12:06.360
Questions that you answer that are asked,

1525
01:12:06.360 --> 01:12:10.080
you feel like it gives you data.

1526
01:12:10.080 --> 01:12:12.560
It tells you something about that person,

1527
01:12:12.560 --> 01:12:14.480
but prematurely is telling you

1528
01:12:14.480 --> 01:12:16.400
what you don't need to know right now,

1529
01:12:16.400 --> 01:12:19.640
because you will attach yourself to their response

1530
01:12:19.640 --> 01:12:22.160
and it'll be running in the background

1531
01:12:22.160 --> 01:12:24.320
because you know things prematurely.

1532
01:12:24.320 --> 01:12:27.280
So it can be like, I don't know.

1533
01:12:27.280 --> 01:12:28.600
You can pick a question.

1534
01:12:28.600 --> 01:12:31.160
You may think they're just sharing with you.

1535
01:12:31.160 --> 01:12:32.600
They may say, so, you know,

1536
01:12:32.600 --> 01:12:34.280
what happened to reason why this happened in your life?

1537
01:12:34.280 --> 01:12:36.440
And somehow it may lead to why they got a divorce.

1538
01:12:36.440 --> 01:12:37.720
I'm just picking something.

1539
01:12:37.720 --> 01:12:39.120
And they start sharing with you

1540
01:12:39.120 --> 01:12:40.280
what their marriage was like.

1541
01:12:40.280 --> 01:12:42.520
And then you think to yourself why they're sharing.

1542
01:12:42.520 --> 01:12:43.360
Oh, wow.

1543
01:12:43.360 --> 01:12:45.240
He really does have a good heart.

1544
01:12:46.240 --> 01:12:47.080
I mean, wow.

1545
01:12:47.080 --> 01:12:48.520
That was really honorable.

1546
01:12:48.640 --> 01:12:50.200
Uh-huh.

1547
01:12:50.200 --> 01:12:51.640
When that comes up,

1548
01:12:52.880 --> 01:12:56.360
a lot of times that comment doesn't just stay right there.

1549
01:12:56.360 --> 01:12:58.640
You trust them a little bit more

1550
01:12:58.640 --> 01:13:01.440
because you know a little bit more about them,

1551
01:13:01.440 --> 01:13:03.960
but that is a premature knowing.

1552
01:13:03.960 --> 01:13:05.920
That shouldn't be something that you know

1553
01:13:05.920 --> 01:13:07.480
in the first two weeks

1554
01:13:07.480 --> 01:13:09.280
because you don't want to prematurely

1555
01:13:09.280 --> 01:13:11.960
before you've watched a person pattern

1556
01:13:11.960 --> 01:13:16.000
attach any part of your trust to the situation.

1557
01:13:16.080 --> 01:13:19.120
You want to stay as separate as possible.

1558
01:13:20.640 --> 01:13:23.560
And so too much information,

1559
01:13:23.560 --> 01:13:25.640
no matter who introduces it,

1560
01:13:25.640 --> 01:13:27.920
has to be, you have to be vigilant

1561
01:13:27.920 --> 01:13:29.760
about keeping it at a distance.

1562
01:13:29.760 --> 01:13:31.280
It can be costly.

1563
01:13:31.280 --> 01:13:33.560
I can speak for myself, but this is the truth.

1564
01:13:33.560 --> 01:13:35.400
And that's how we can get to the end of the week

1565
01:13:35.400 --> 01:13:38.400
or end of two weeks and feel really heartbroken.

1566
01:13:38.400 --> 01:13:40.560
And sometimes we need to look at the information

1567
01:13:40.560 --> 01:13:42.080
that we're exchanging.

1568
01:13:42.080 --> 01:13:43.880
But go ahead, Jalyn.

1569
01:13:43.880 --> 01:13:45.960
Okay, well, that's it for him.

1570
01:13:46.800 --> 01:13:48.920
I'm just waiting for him to reach out

1571
01:13:48.920 --> 01:13:50.640
to set up something.

1572
01:13:50.640 --> 01:13:52.880
And I'm trying to just lay back and not do anything,

1573
01:13:52.880 --> 01:13:54.400
just trust the process.

1574
01:13:55.800 --> 01:13:56.840
The question I have is,

1575
01:13:56.840 --> 01:14:00.960
so I started talking to this other gentleman

1576
01:14:00.960 --> 01:14:04.680
and I really love texting him.

1577
01:14:04.680 --> 01:14:06.600
And it's great.

1578
01:14:06.600 --> 01:14:08.000
And I brought it up to Rene,

1579
01:14:08.000 --> 01:14:12.160
but I think I might talk to him later tonight.

1580
01:14:12.160 --> 01:14:16.120
And I'm kind of figuring out how I should phrase this

1581
01:14:16.120 --> 01:14:19.840
because on the phone, I feel really drained talking to him.

1582
01:14:19.840 --> 01:14:22.960
Like he just, he'll ask me questions

1583
01:14:22.960 --> 01:14:25.200
and I'll answer them in bite-sized form.

1584
01:14:25.200 --> 01:14:26.760
I don't go off and off, you know,

1585
01:14:26.760 --> 01:14:27.840
that's just not who I am,

1586
01:14:27.840 --> 01:14:29.480
especially when I'm getting to know someone.

1587
01:14:29.480 --> 01:14:31.640
But he'll just take over the conversation

1588
01:14:31.640 --> 01:14:34.280
and like share a lot about himself.

1589
01:14:34.280 --> 01:14:37.280
And I'm like, I can't even get a word in, you know?

1590
01:14:38.160 --> 01:14:42.160
But like, there's some really great qualities about him.

1591
01:14:42.160 --> 01:14:46.200
I didn't want to just disqualify him because,

1592
01:14:46.200 --> 01:14:48.520
you know, two conversations, he's just kind of

1593
01:14:50.320 --> 01:14:53.000
talking a lot where I'm really drained afterwards,

1594
01:14:53.000 --> 01:14:54.200
just to be honest, right?

1595
01:14:54.200 --> 01:14:56.120
But I don't feel that way over text.

1596
01:14:56.120 --> 01:14:59.960
And he's very, he is a,

1597
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:07.400
Very initiative and he's very communicative almost like a lot like text is a lot, but I try to pace myself and

1598
01:15:08.760 --> 01:15:14.480
So yeah, I'm just kind of like I even asked chat GP. How do I say this and Renee was saying?

1599
01:15:14.480 --> 01:15:16.320
Oh, you should just like

1600
01:15:16.320 --> 01:15:21.240
Hey, how about we do this fun game? Like it just doesn't sound like me

1601
01:15:22.320 --> 01:15:28.800
To be like I asked you something. Yes, you know and you answer and come up with five questions

1602
01:15:29.320 --> 01:15:33.840
Um, because this would be my third conversation with him, right?

1603
01:15:34.360 --> 01:15:35.640
and

1604
01:15:35.640 --> 01:15:38.160
Actually, we were talking about going to see the movies tonight

1605
01:15:38.160 --> 01:15:43.160
But I got injured rock climbing and I'm actually incredibly exhausted. My body is recovering

1606
01:15:43.280 --> 01:15:47.000
so I told him I I think I need a rest tonight and

1607
01:15:47.320 --> 01:15:51.040
Plus I was like, I think it would be good to just go on a coffee

1608
01:15:51.680 --> 01:15:55.800
First meeting, you know, it's kind of it's kind of probably better

1609
01:15:56.080 --> 01:16:02.000
But in a way I almost wanted to go on a movie because I'm like so tired and then he can't talk to me that

1610
01:16:02.000 --> 01:16:04.000
much

1611
01:16:08.120 --> 01:16:12.320
But then I also know myself when I'm physically like feeling vulnerable

1612
01:16:12.320 --> 01:16:15.800
It's not good for me because if they try to make a move

1613
01:16:15.800 --> 01:16:16.480
I don't know

1614
01:16:16.480 --> 01:16:22.960
I might not do well because I would want to be held in touch because I'm I just I know myself so

1615
01:16:23.280 --> 01:16:28.120
Um, so he has been trying to like talk to me and like get a date going and stuff

1616
01:16:28.120 --> 01:16:33.920
I'm the one who's more like I'm I'm busy or I'm tired or I have this going on

1617
01:16:33.920 --> 01:16:35.920
so how do I my question is I

1618
01:16:36.080 --> 01:16:42.880
Mean, how do I talk to him and tell him I wanted to have more balance

1619
01:16:42.880 --> 01:16:46.200
Like I was thinking oh, I really love our text conversations

1620
01:16:46.200 --> 01:16:47.840
Can we make sure they're more like?

1621
01:16:47.840 --> 01:16:53.360
Back and forth like it's hard for me to process a lot of information all at once while I'm getting to know you

1622
01:16:53.360 --> 01:16:59.280
Does that sound okay, or how do I that sounds fun? I think I really encourage showing up as yourself

1623
01:16:59.800 --> 01:17:07.840
To what and whatever you showing up as yourself and whatever you're gonna say say it and I'm not saying don't use tag

1624
01:17:08.280 --> 01:17:11.240
What you just said is really great, you know

1625
01:17:11.880 --> 01:17:15.760
Joey you're a really great communicator and you are not harsh

1626
01:17:16.440 --> 01:17:21.040
You are kind and you are honorable and I really want to remind you of it

1627
01:17:22.000 --> 01:17:26.400
And so what you're saying is hey, I need some balance. It's a bit overwhelming

1628
01:17:26.400 --> 01:17:30.280
You can say you are a you're a talker you're communicator

1629
01:17:30.280 --> 01:17:34.040
You can say that about him and say you naturally have more words than me right now

1630
01:17:34.040 --> 01:17:37.440
And I know the time is gonna come when I have more words than you

1631
01:17:38.040 --> 01:17:42.240
and so what I want to do is bring some balance because I want I

1632
01:17:42.440 --> 01:17:48.240
Value the things that you share with me and so I'm seeing now that I'm needed a little more time to process it

1633
01:17:50.280 --> 01:17:51.720
And so

1634
01:17:51.720 --> 01:17:57.360
No, when we're talking I want to just kind of bring a balance to it so that I could really

1635
01:17:57.920 --> 01:17:59.920
Enjoy this experience with you

1636
01:18:00.880 --> 01:18:03.960
Okay, so it sounds fine. I don't need to be afraid to

1637
01:18:04.720 --> 01:18:06.800
I just don't want to like

1638
01:18:07.600 --> 01:18:12.800
You don't want to shut him down, I don't want to shut him down make him feel bad and also I'm like, is he lonely?

1639
01:18:13.040 --> 01:18:19.360
Who don't is he lonely because he's kind of giving me this impression like he's been married for 20

1640
01:18:19.360 --> 01:18:21.360
He was married for 20 years

1641
01:18:21.800 --> 01:18:28.720
No, I don't know exactly what happened. She'd filed it and I think he's been really burned. I don't really don't know his story

1642
01:18:29.240 --> 01:18:31.240
But

1643
01:18:31.480 --> 01:18:33.360
You can also

1644
01:18:33.360 --> 01:18:36.980
Give you can give it some more time and see if it mellows out itself, too

1645
01:18:37.280 --> 01:18:41.440
It may mellow out after he kind of gets some of this out of his system

1646
01:18:41.560 --> 01:18:46.120
He may be backed up like you can see if it mellows out another thing

1647
01:18:46.120 --> 01:18:51.180
I want to say you talked about texting and I noticed this and I said that I was gonna share it with you all

1648
01:18:52.560 --> 01:18:58.480
I was talking to this guy and when I talk with him on the phone, it's totally different than when we text

1649
01:18:59.160 --> 01:19:03.720
There's something about texting that a person can be whatever you

1650
01:19:04.360 --> 01:19:06.240
Want them to be?

1651
01:19:06.240 --> 01:19:13.380
They can sound however you want them to sound and so when I was texting him, I was more attracted to him

1652
01:19:14.040 --> 01:19:17.960
Yeah, we have very good conversations a highly intelligent me

1653
01:19:18.360 --> 01:19:24.320
But I was much more attracted to him when I was texting him and that's why I'm attributing

1654
01:19:24.320 --> 01:19:27.840
Sometimes ladies can start texting a man and you like have you talked to him yet?

1655
01:19:27.840 --> 01:19:34.360
No, we've been texting for three weeks and you're completely happy with it because that man is anybody you want him to be his voice sounds

1656
01:19:34.360 --> 01:19:36.360
Anyway, you want it to sound?

1657
01:19:37.000 --> 01:19:39.580
His words are as sweet as you want them to be

1658
01:19:41.000 --> 01:19:47.600
But when you hear his voice and he talked you can't think oh, I ain't say it that way this boring

1659
01:19:48.240 --> 01:19:50.640
talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk about

1660
01:19:51.160 --> 01:19:56.560
Like literally like whatever it is and I noticed and I was like, oh wow. I'm a shit is with the ladies

1661
01:19:56.560 --> 01:19:59.800
Cuz and my face

1662
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.640
time with this guy so I'm not just I face I like FaceTime so I'm FaceTime and having these

1663
01:20:04.640 --> 01:20:12.080
conversations all all the time I really like FaceTime I want a video but that's a real thing

1664
01:20:12.080 --> 01:20:16.080
and that may be what you're experiencing because on text he can be anyone you want to be he can

1665
01:20:16.080 --> 01:20:21.120
sound any way you want him to sound and then when you get on the phone the reality of who he is is

1666
01:20:21.120 --> 01:20:29.280
right there in your ear and yeah no what happened was it was like I got on the phone and I it was

1667
01:20:29.280 --> 01:20:38.400
I was really excited and it was great and then I saw his face I mean he's not a badly he's actually

1668
01:20:38.400 --> 01:20:46.320
very attractive guy but I was like dude this guy got so much freaking facial hair and he asked me

1669
01:20:46.320 --> 01:20:52.960
he asked me he was like so what do you think and I was like oh shoot what do I say and I said oh

1670
01:20:52.960 --> 01:20:59.200
I think I think I'm just getting to know you yeah it's good to meet you but I was like I'm really

1671
01:20:59.200 --> 01:21:05.280
curious how you look without the beard I actually think he's a very handsome guy but it's so much

1672
01:21:05.280 --> 01:21:12.720
facial hair that I I think it changed my tone and I was like I wasn't as excited also he just kept

1673
01:21:12.720 --> 01:21:18.640
talking talking about so then just was like uh I don't know about this you know what I mean no no

1674
01:21:18.640 --> 01:21:22.480
I do not like when a guy asks me back how you look at least I won't tell him if a person don't

1675
01:21:22.480 --> 01:21:29.760
say how you look don't say nothing don't say nothing a guy did that to me recently he's like

1676
01:21:29.760 --> 01:21:33.680
you're beautiful thanks well you didn't say anything about how I look you don't want me to

1677
01:21:33.680 --> 01:21:42.000
say nothing about how you I said wow I said yeah I said really I'm I'm excited to meet you in person

1678
01:21:42.000 --> 01:21:49.040
I prefer to get you don't want to say it I was like your skin is nice

1679
01:21:52.480 --> 01:21:56.000
I mean I don't know what to say and then um

1680
01:21:58.000 --> 01:22:01.360
you have quack on your teeth like this is an issue here sir

1681
01:22:03.840 --> 01:22:06.000
leave me alone I panicked

1682
01:22:06.720 --> 01:22:22.320
I was like oh man maybe this guy doesn't think I'm trying to you know and then I don't know when

1683
01:22:22.320 --> 01:22:28.800
they send me a picture do they want me to comment on their looks I didn't you know I'm just like oh

1684
01:22:28.800 --> 01:22:35.200
cool you know I just hearted the message and stuff I mean I do think he's handsome don't get me wrong

1685
01:22:35.200 --> 01:22:40.240
I feel like in person I've seen his pictures like he's here but he didn't have that much facial hair

1686
01:22:40.240 --> 01:22:46.640
you know and so but I think that even if he was like very good chemistry I I would I'm not a

1687
01:22:46.640 --> 01:22:53.120
person I'm not I'm like you too I'm not a I don't focus so much on books it does matter to a point

1688
01:22:53.120 --> 01:23:00.000
but it doesn't matter that much and so um that's kind of and to what point what I'm like dude this

1689
01:23:00.000 --> 01:23:06.240
guy's still like over dominating the conversation I'm drained I'm drained go but go to the coffee

1690
01:23:06.240 --> 01:23:10.960
date with him you can set the pace and when you talk on the phone to him you can intentionally

1691
01:23:10.960 --> 01:23:15.040
be busy you can be washing dishes and say I'm really tired up right now I'll get a chance to

1692
01:23:15.040 --> 01:23:19.280
talk with you like hey I'm taking some time out just to process and when you talk to him in person

1693
01:23:19.280 --> 01:23:24.640
then he can look at your facial expression and see you when you say you know it's so interesting at

1694
01:23:24.640 --> 01:23:29.120
this point in life because you have so many more words than I do right now and usually I'm the one

1695
01:23:29.120 --> 01:23:33.120
with all the words and so what I want us to do is just kind of pace ourself in our conversations

1696
01:23:33.120 --> 01:23:38.240
because I really want to take all of this in it is so wonderful getting to know you um but I'm

1697
01:23:38.240 --> 01:23:44.160
kind of on process overload right now do you think I should say that um in person with you

1698
01:23:45.360 --> 01:23:50.080
not on the phone let him see your pretty little face when you say it and he gonna be like yeah

1699
01:23:50.720 --> 01:23:57.840
yeah yeah whatever you say okay so don't even say it over FaceTime or you can if you want but

1700
01:23:57.840 --> 01:24:03.760
you said y'all are going on a date soon right well it's because I'm exhausted from indoor rock

1701
01:24:03.760 --> 01:24:07.920
climbing I didn't want to show up when I'm exhausted I know it doesn't do me well so when

1702
01:24:07.920 --> 01:24:15.200
are y'all going we haven't planned it uh I could say I mean I'm free tomorrow it's more up to my

1703
01:24:15.200 --> 01:24:19.920
body because I've been oh well whenever you're ready go for your coffee date experience him in

1704
01:24:19.920 --> 01:24:26.240
person and let him just show up as himself that way he won't be nervous am I talking to him

1705
01:24:26.240 --> 01:24:32.160
enough man I'm not talking enough that's my man just let him run his course okay so maybe I should

1706
01:24:32.160 --> 01:24:36.000
just say hey why don't we just set something up tomorrow and not talk to him over the phone

1707
01:24:36.000 --> 01:24:41.680
well I can do that quickly over the phone and just tell him in person like we can set something up

1708
01:24:41.680 --> 01:24:47.360
over the phone tonight and be like he knows I'm tired that's why I didn't go movie with him so

1709
01:24:47.360 --> 01:24:53.120
maybe I could just do a quick phone and then like oh I gotta go now I need a rest and then just see

1710
01:24:53.120 --> 01:24:59.360
him in person there you go yeah okay okay all right thanks for sharing let us know how it goes

1711
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.000
Okay, go for Rosanna

1712
01:25:05.720 --> 01:25:12.440
Hi, I'm so sorry forgive my attitude all like three of my five have been interrupting me today. I've had a really rough day

1713
01:25:12.880 --> 01:25:17.120
Yeah, just with attitude and tomorrow's the two-year anniversary of my husband's passing

1714
01:25:17.600 --> 01:25:19.960
So I've just it's been a lot. There's a lot going on

1715
01:25:20.760 --> 01:25:23.840
But I a really quick question. Um, I

1716
01:25:24.640 --> 01:25:29.360
Had so the one guy was supposed to go out with on on last Friday. I ended up going dancing

1717
01:25:29.360 --> 01:25:31.360
I think I told you all that he had a

1718
01:25:31.400 --> 01:25:36.000
Reschedule because he had to go to a funeral and he wasn't gonna be back in time, but we never rescheduled

1719
01:25:36.000 --> 01:25:40.120
However, he commented it was a busy weekend for both of us. I wasn't on face on

1720
01:25:40.840 --> 01:25:44.560
Social media a lot and he um, he saw my story

1721
01:25:44.720 --> 01:25:50.480
He's like wow, you looked really I saw your real your you look great great in those heels and in that dress

1722
01:25:50.480 --> 01:25:53.600
You're you're beautiful. So his comments of how I look are

1723
01:25:54.320 --> 01:25:58.920
Happening way more. This is like I said this started last week with his comments of like my his attraction

1724
01:25:58.920 --> 01:26:02.000
He's definitely to me which is cool. However, like

1725
01:26:02.720 --> 01:26:08.400
He has not rescheduled anything and I think and I mentioned something of how he's like

1726
01:26:08.400 --> 01:26:14.040
I bet you get those compliments a lot of like a beauty or whatever and I was like in person

1727
01:26:14.040 --> 01:26:20.520
Actually, I don't like people don't men don't approach me and tell me that so yeah behind a screen. That's fine

1728
01:26:20.520 --> 01:26:23.880
You can all the men say to all of us on the on the on the apps, right?

1729
01:26:23.880 --> 01:26:28.840
So that's that doesn't really mean a lot to me to be quite honest. It's nice to hear though. I will say that

1730
01:26:29.240 --> 01:26:34.640
However, I was like, I'm very old-school. I would love it if a man would approach me blah blah blah and then he

1731
01:26:35.640 --> 01:26:40.720
He's like, well, I would I was like, I don't know if men are intimidated or just nervous or women have made themselves

1732
01:26:41.160 --> 01:26:46.440
Like do the comments he said like how dare you call me beautiful or how like they don't know what to come off as like

1733
01:26:46.440 --> 01:26:51.080
You're gonna be a creep if you come up or are we I love I would love it

1734
01:26:51.080 --> 01:26:53.800
I think I did that but then he was just like he's like for myself

1735
01:26:53.800 --> 01:26:58.520
I would probably he's like with a woman as beautiful as you I would be intimidated. He's like and I'm not necessarily scared

1736
01:26:58.520 --> 01:27:02.080
He's like more of the rejection of you being like no, I was like, okay, so

1737
01:27:02.720 --> 01:27:05.560
He already like kind of asked me out ish or whatever

1738
01:27:05.560 --> 01:27:10.560
But I still I think that was his way is still saying that he's kind of nervous if he were to ask me out again

1739
01:27:10.840 --> 01:27:16.400
So, I mean I would like and I think I like what you're saying. We've been we've done voice memos on Facebook and

1740
01:27:17.600 --> 01:27:18.760
and

1741
01:27:18.760 --> 01:27:20.760
We've text we've done messenger

1742
01:27:20.760 --> 01:27:23.320
So, I don't know if I don't mind initiating being like hey

1743
01:27:23.320 --> 01:27:25.400
Do you think we can actually talk on the phone or like?

1744
01:27:25.520 --> 01:27:29.500
When do you think we can reschedule before this high school reunion if you decide to go

1745
01:27:30.520 --> 01:27:34.280
If you want to see me before then like should I do that?

1746
01:27:34.280 --> 01:27:39.920
Like I'm not sure what to do and then I'm still talking to other guys who are like somebody was like, what's your what's your?

1747
01:27:39.920 --> 01:27:41.240
Schedule like so we can meet for coffee

1748
01:27:41.240 --> 01:27:43.240
But this week is very busy for me

1749
01:27:43.520 --> 01:27:49.080
Just because of Mother's Day and my son's baseball games like this this other dude asked me for coffee doesn't know I have five children

1750
01:27:49.080 --> 01:27:55.200
Yet, you know what? I mean? So that's another thing. He's 31 too. He's the youngest one. He's just like oh my so

1751
01:27:55.640 --> 01:27:57.640
whatever I

1752
01:27:58.680 --> 01:28:01.680
Just want some suggestions of stuff of what do you

1753
01:28:03.280 --> 01:28:08.600
We've talked for like a month this guy like voice memos and messenger, okay

1754
01:28:08.600 --> 01:28:15.200
This is the language I would prefer for you to use. I will say we've been talking voice memos and chatting

1755
01:28:15.200 --> 01:28:18.160
I just want you to know that I am interested in

1756
01:28:18.880 --> 01:28:24.840
Going out on dates or yeah, I've been on the phone if there's something you would like but past this

1757
01:28:25.440 --> 01:28:27.440
Past this point the ball is in your court

1758
01:28:28.280 --> 01:28:29.360
Okay

1759
01:28:29.360 --> 01:28:30.760
Yeah, okay

1760
01:28:30.760 --> 01:28:32.640
Cuz even in the thing I said I was like

1761
01:28:32.640 --> 01:28:34.880
I really love it when men initiate and when men lead

1762
01:28:35.120 --> 01:28:39.360
to do stuff and then he vocalized of how he would be in a relationship if he were and he was like

1763
01:28:39.440 --> 01:28:41.960
He was like if cuz he's a cuddler. He's very affectionate

1764
01:28:41.960 --> 01:28:43.920
So we were talking about some stuff love languages

1765
01:28:43.920 --> 01:28:48.600
And I he was like just you know, just so you know if that were me and you you know

1766
01:28:48.600 --> 01:28:53.120
Whatever like that would be the treatment you would be getting so I'm like, okay, I will you'd be affectionate with me

1767
01:28:53.120 --> 01:28:55.120
I got it like not in an appropriate way necessarily

1768
01:28:55.720 --> 01:28:57.720
so like if he's

1769
01:28:57.840 --> 01:28:59.520
What was I trying to say with that?

1770
01:28:59.520 --> 01:29:03.120
There was a point what you were like, I kind of already said like hey

1771
01:29:03.120 --> 01:29:06.080
I like it when men take a lead or when they initiate but I don't know if he's still

1772
01:29:06.480 --> 01:29:11.640
Timid so just say what you said. I do I want to talk to him on the phone or I don't know

1773
01:29:11.640 --> 01:29:15.280
I don't know. I can't figure out what's in his mind

1774
01:29:15.280 --> 01:29:19.000
I would I don't either but I'm just reminding myself not to do that

1775
01:29:19.000 --> 01:29:24.120
And so I would say just what I said, if you want to okay, you leave it at that

1776
01:29:24.120 --> 01:29:29.880
Don't say anything else if he doesn't step up, you know at that point is because he's choosing not to I don't care

1777
01:29:29.880 --> 01:29:33.680
He says he's not cheese. You've actually told him you like him initiate

1778
01:29:33.680 --> 01:29:38.640
He still hasn't done it, but he wants to tell you what it would be like if you were his woman. So

1779
01:29:40.000 --> 01:29:45.600
So, um, you can fantasize about that, but you can't actually follow through on what I shared

1780
01:29:45.840 --> 01:29:51.680
But right we'll do we'll notice that and then you'll make your last statement

1781
01:29:52.480 --> 01:29:55.320
We're talking we're chatting. You've made some comments

1782
01:29:56.880 --> 01:29:59.880
Clarity but I'm willing to start

1783
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.480
Speaking with you on the phone if you want to talk and I'm also willing to go out on a date with you

1784
01:30:04.560 --> 01:30:06.960
I want you to know that now the ball is in your court

1785
01:30:07.600 --> 01:30:08.480
Okay

1786
01:30:08.480 --> 01:30:08.960
I will do it

1787
01:30:08.960 --> 01:30:11.040
That's a lot easier because I think this will be like the third time

1788
01:30:11.360 --> 01:30:14.640
In the sense of like third times a change of like just in case you're not getting this

1789
01:30:15.280 --> 01:30:18.240
Just to be more direct. I suppose. I don't I don't know

1790
01:30:18.800 --> 01:30:24.400
But maybe after this if he doesn't step up you need to pull back on how much you're chatting with him

1791
01:30:25.040 --> 01:30:28.320
Okay get to get that and not step up

1792
01:30:29.200 --> 01:30:34.640
Just like that so he don't get to keep planting seeds about if you were this and he thinks you're so pretty

1793
01:30:35.040 --> 01:30:41.280
You know, that's just talk. So let's just say that one last time and okay, you call it done

1794
01:30:41.840 --> 01:30:43.840
Cool. Thank you

1795
01:30:45.600 --> 01:30:47.600
Hey karen

1796
01:30:50.480 --> 01:30:51.520
Hey

1797
01:30:51.520 --> 01:30:57.760
It's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah, just a couple things one. Um, there was a guy I talked to

1798
01:30:58.320 --> 01:30:59.440
Months ago

1799
01:30:59.440 --> 01:31:03.600
And we had a really great conversation on the phone. But then at the end of the conversation, he said he wasn't

1800
01:31:04.240 --> 01:31:05.840
fully divorced

1801
01:31:05.840 --> 01:31:07.840
and you told me

1802
01:31:07.840 --> 01:31:11.840
End it and I did I said I sent him a message the next day. I said i'm sorry

1803
01:31:11.840 --> 01:31:14.000
I'm gonna have to end this since like you're not fully divorced

1804
01:31:14.720 --> 01:31:17.360
And that was that and I hadn't heard from him again, and then I just heard from him

1805
01:31:17.920 --> 01:31:19.840
Yeah on sunday

1806
01:31:19.840 --> 01:31:24.400
Out of the blue. Hey, karen. Just want to let you know i've been divorced as of march blah blah blah

1807
01:31:24.880 --> 01:31:25.840
Ah

1808
01:31:25.840 --> 01:31:31.920
And then i'm like, okay, but that was like a month ago. So like you're still not like

1809
01:31:33.040 --> 01:31:36.000
You know what? I mean? Like I don't know what to do with this dude. Like what do I say?

1810
01:31:37.440 --> 01:31:38.480
well

1811
01:31:38.480 --> 01:31:43.920
Was he separated with his wife before he got the divorce like the way they separated for a year or two years?

1812
01:31:44.000 --> 01:31:48.000
Had they he said a couple years they had i've been separated for a while. Yeah

1813
01:31:48.560 --> 01:31:50.560
Like not together at all

1814
01:31:50.640 --> 01:31:52.000
I don't think so

1815
01:31:52.000 --> 01:31:55.840
So that makes a difference when you're talking about. Oh, he needs time to heal

1816
01:31:55.920 --> 01:31:58.800
He hadn't been with his wife and they had been separated for two years

1817
01:31:59.840 --> 01:32:03.920
It's not like he had just moved out of the house with her if that makes sense

1818
01:32:04.400 --> 01:32:07.920
Okay, or she just moved out like that's something for you to consider

1819
01:32:08.560 --> 01:32:15.360
And so if you wanted to start back conversing with him, um, you can tell him like I know you said

1820
01:32:15.360 --> 01:32:17.120
Y'all been separated for two years

1821
01:32:17.120 --> 01:32:22.400
Can you share with me some of the things you did to bring yourself back to heal to a well place

1822
01:32:23.120 --> 01:32:26.160
This is something that concerns me because you were married

1823
01:32:26.560 --> 01:32:31.920
You can voice that concern and he can share what his journey was like with you and what he said for himself

1824
01:32:32.000 --> 01:32:34.800
Especially they've been separated two years. That's a lot of time

1825
01:32:35.840 --> 01:32:36.640
Okay

1826
01:32:36.640 --> 01:32:37.840
Mm-hmm

1827
01:32:37.840 --> 01:32:39.840
And then the other thing

1828
01:32:39.840 --> 01:32:44.960
is, um on a whole different thing, um, one of the ladies from my

1829
01:32:45.360 --> 01:32:48.000
Um bible study fellowship group that i'm in leadership with

1830
01:32:48.560 --> 01:32:52.560
She she's actually the leader of the group and she said to me a couple weeks ago

1831
01:32:53.120 --> 01:32:55.120
Out of the blue. She goes. Oh karen

1832
01:32:55.520 --> 01:32:57.520
I have somebody I want you to meet

1833
01:32:58.000 --> 01:33:00.560
Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay

1834
01:33:01.600 --> 01:33:02.800
I was like

1835
01:33:02.800 --> 01:33:04.800
Finally my community

1836
01:33:04.960 --> 01:33:06.960
You know working for me, right?

1837
01:33:07.360 --> 01:33:09.360
Community come on community

1838
01:33:11.040 --> 01:33:12.000
Yes

1839
01:33:12.000 --> 01:33:18.640
So anyway, um, I told her like I would be fine if she just wanted to send him and I a text together

1840
01:33:19.200 --> 01:33:21.040
And introduce us that way

1841
01:33:21.040 --> 01:33:22.320
And she's like, okay. Let me go

1842
01:33:22.320 --> 01:33:27.360
I'll ask him because she knows him from church and like she does like I guess the children's or something with him in church

1843
01:33:27.440 --> 01:33:28.800
I don't really know

1844
01:33:28.800 --> 01:33:30.800
and so, um

1845
01:33:31.440 --> 01:33:35.920
Then she went to church on sunday and she sent me a message saying hey I spoke to him

1846
01:33:36.320 --> 01:33:41.120
He wants to meet you, but he wants it to be natural. He doesn't want a blind date

1847
01:33:42.240 --> 01:33:43.280
so

1848
01:33:43.280 --> 01:33:45.280
She's like come to church with me

1849
01:33:45.760 --> 01:33:49.600
So now I have to i'm going to go to her church in a couple weeks because he won't be there next week

1850
01:33:49.600 --> 01:33:53.680
But i'll go a couple weeks later get to his to her church, but i'm like now that feels awkward to me

1851
01:33:55.600 --> 01:33:57.840
I felt like it would have been easier to just like

1852
01:33:58.960 --> 01:34:00.960
Take it from the two of us just like meeting, you know

1853
01:34:00.960 --> 01:34:04.720
but now I have to like hang out with a church with her and like hope that we

1854
01:34:05.440 --> 01:34:08.880
I don't know now. It's hard. I don't know what to oh, I see what you're saying

1855
01:34:08.880 --> 01:34:13.680
So he said he wanted to be more natural and she's like come to church with me. He can see you

1856
01:34:14.240 --> 01:34:17.280
Um, because he didn't want to do a blind date, right?

1857
01:34:21.440 --> 01:34:26.000
So, I don't know i'm just trying to like i'm excited that this is a first

1858
01:34:26.480 --> 01:34:32.000
Community person trying to like match me, which is great. I've been praying for this. Yeah, so i'm just like, okay

1859
01:34:33.360 --> 01:34:36.880
It just kind of feels weird now. I know I say go for his phone

1860
01:34:36.880 --> 01:34:38.880
I

1861
01:34:39.600 --> 01:34:41.600
Say go for it

1862
01:34:42.480 --> 01:34:47.440
You have nothing to lose everything the game right and you've never done anything like this before

1863
01:34:47.920 --> 01:34:51.840
Just I get it. I would be a little nervous too, but go for it. Okay

1864
01:34:52.800 --> 01:34:55.540
That was it and look look real good, baby

1865
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:02.000
It's good to see you.

1866
01:35:02.000 --> 01:35:05.000
Good to see you too, thanks.

1867
01:35:05.000 --> 01:35:06.000
You're welcome.

1868
01:35:06.000 --> 01:35:07.000
Fran.

1869
01:35:07.000 --> 01:35:08.000
Fran Kane.

1870
01:35:08.000 --> 01:35:09.000
Hi.

1871
01:35:09.000 --> 01:35:10.000
Hi.

1872
01:35:10.000 --> 01:35:11.000
So, Can is for Canada.

1873
01:35:11.000 --> 01:35:12.000
I'm in Canada.

1874
01:35:12.000 --> 01:35:13.000
I was wondering that.

1875
01:35:13.000 --> 01:35:21.000
I was like, I want to say Canada while I'm talking to my Fran Kane.

1876
01:35:21.000 --> 01:35:28.500
So, I don't really know how this works, but if it's similar to the hard work, then I think

1877
01:35:28.500 --> 01:35:32.500
I got an idea in terms of sharing.

1878
01:35:32.500 --> 01:35:46.500
But this is my first week with Phase Two, and I listened to a couple of Jackie's recordings,

1879
01:35:46.500 --> 01:35:53.500
courses, and I find that everything she teaches is everything that I thought that I shouldn't

1880
01:35:53.500 --> 01:35:56.500
do.

1881
01:35:56.500 --> 01:36:03.500
When it comes to waiting for the guy to take the lead and all that good stuff.

1882
01:36:03.500 --> 01:36:06.500
So, just some background about me.

1883
01:36:06.500 --> 01:36:12.500
I'm going to be a bit vulnerable, but it's good to be direct and let things out.

1884
01:36:12.500 --> 01:36:15.500
But I never actually had a boyfriend.

1885
01:36:15.500 --> 01:36:22.500
I have been on dates, most of them through online dating, which I hate.

1886
01:36:22.500 --> 01:36:25.500
I would prefer something to happen organically.

1887
01:36:25.500 --> 01:36:32.500
And for the longest time, I thought that it was going to happen organically, but guys

1888
01:36:32.500 --> 01:36:33.500
don't approach women.

1889
01:36:33.500 --> 01:36:37.500
And I don't know if it's, bye-bye, give up.

1890
01:36:37.500 --> 01:36:38.500
I don't know.

1891
01:36:38.500 --> 01:36:46.500
But I think I've been on only two dates where I met people organically, you know, doing

1892
01:36:46.500 --> 01:36:47.500
life.

1893
01:36:47.500 --> 01:36:51.500
But most of the other dates I've been through online.

1894
01:36:51.500 --> 01:36:54.500
And I've never passed three dates with a guy.

1895
01:36:54.500 --> 01:36:58.500
So, I don't know.

1896
01:36:58.500 --> 01:37:03.500
I'm just like, I'm a little bit all over the place, but I'm 36 years old now and I want

1897
01:37:03.500 --> 01:37:04.500
to have kids.

1898
01:37:04.500 --> 01:37:05.500
I want to get married.

1899
01:37:05.500 --> 01:37:12.500
So, I'm trying this to get things shaken up a little bit because I don't want to get to

1900
01:37:12.500 --> 01:37:18.500
40 and be like, oh my God, I wasted all that time and I'm still in the wait.

1901
01:37:18.500 --> 01:37:22.500
So, yeah, I'm going to stop there for now.

1902
01:37:22.500 --> 01:37:25.500
But yeah, that's a lot.

1903
01:37:25.500 --> 01:37:27.500
There's a lot in my head going on right now.

1904
01:37:27.500 --> 01:37:28.500
Yeah.

1905
01:37:28.500 --> 01:37:31.500
So, thank you for sharing and being vulnerable.

1906
01:37:31.500 --> 01:37:38.500
I want you to know that a well over a large number of ladies in the program, some ladies,

1907
01:37:38.500 --> 01:37:41.500
most, a lot of ladies never kissed a man before.

1908
01:37:41.500 --> 01:37:43.500
They're like 35, 36.

1909
01:37:43.500 --> 01:37:44.500
They've never had a boyfriend before.

1910
01:37:44.500 --> 01:37:46.500
So, you're in very good company.

1911
01:37:46.500 --> 01:37:49.500
I want you to know it's very common.

1912
01:37:49.500 --> 01:37:52.500
So, it is very common.

1913
01:37:52.500 --> 01:37:54.500
At the beginning, you were saying something.

1914
01:37:54.500 --> 01:37:59.500
Were you saying when you listen to her, she tells you, she encourages you to do everything

1915
01:37:59.500 --> 01:38:01.500
that you don't do?

1916
01:38:01.500 --> 01:38:03.500
Like approach the man first, drop the hanky things.

1917
01:38:03.500 --> 01:38:05.500
Is that what you're saying?

1918
01:38:05.500 --> 01:38:06.500
Yeah.

1919
01:38:06.500 --> 01:38:07.500
Yeah.

1920
01:38:07.500 --> 01:38:10.500
So, it goes against your way of thinking.

1921
01:38:10.500 --> 01:38:11.500
Yeah.

1922
01:38:11.500 --> 01:38:12.500
Yeah.

1923
01:38:12.500 --> 01:38:15.500
It is a big like, what?

1924
01:38:15.500 --> 01:38:20.500
So, I do want to, I want to do a little, I want to touch and hear this for all of us

1925
01:38:20.500 --> 01:38:21.500
ladies.

1926
01:38:21.500 --> 01:38:26.500
We have to recognize the times that we're in, in the earth.

1927
01:38:26.500 --> 01:38:32.500
And so, a lot of people will say, oh, well, ladies like to hold on to, well, men have

1928
01:38:32.500 --> 01:38:36.500
always asked ladies, and if a man wants to talk to me, he's going to approach me.

1929
01:38:36.500 --> 01:38:38.500
Those days are long past.

1930
01:38:38.500 --> 01:38:40.500
It's true.

1931
01:38:41.500 --> 01:38:45.500
Ms. Bunny Mike can attest in her days growing up, men did approach women, or Ms. Sheila

1932
01:38:45.500 --> 01:38:48.500
can, or Ms. Peggy can, they did, or Krista can.

1933
01:38:48.500 --> 01:38:49.500
Men always did that.

1934
01:38:49.500 --> 01:38:50.500
That's what men did.

1935
01:38:50.500 --> 01:38:56.500
But as the, as times change, what you have happening, that we're not as patriotically

1936
01:38:56.500 --> 01:38:59.500
led in our households as it used to be.

1937
01:38:59.500 --> 01:39:03.500
Women have, women lead the matriarchal homes.

1938
01:39:03.500 --> 01:39:04.500
Times have changed.

1939
01:39:04.500 --> 01:39:07.500
Boys don't see men be men anymore.

1940
01:39:07.500 --> 01:39:10.500
Boys don't get to see that figure in the house.

1941
01:39:10.500 --> 01:39:14.500
And so, what happens is, you have to, a lot of times, adjust with the times in which you

1942
01:39:14.500 --> 01:39:20.500
live in, and recognize the times you live in, and say, okay, this is the time I'm in.

1943
01:39:20.500 --> 01:39:23.500
What's happening in this time?

1944
01:39:23.500 --> 01:39:27.500
I know guys who are dating, and they never will ask a woman in public, but they're always

1945
01:39:27.500 --> 01:39:29.500
on a date, and I say, won't you just ask her?

1946
01:39:29.500 --> 01:39:31.500
You're like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

1947
01:39:31.500 --> 01:39:35.500
And it's like, come on, dude, you're a man.

1948
01:39:35.500 --> 01:39:40.500
But times has changed so much, and sometimes we have to allow our approach to evolve with

1949
01:39:40.500 --> 01:39:41.500
the time.

1950
01:39:41.500 --> 01:39:47.500
Look around you in the earth, and see the time that you're in, and adjust to the timing.

1951
01:39:47.500 --> 01:39:49.500
That helps with that.

1952
01:39:49.500 --> 01:39:55.500
Because now, that law that you have ingrained in you, you'll see that that law is not sufficient.

1953
01:39:55.500 --> 01:39:57.500
It's outdated.

1954
01:39:57.500 --> 01:39:59.500
And so, what you'll do, you'll update.

1955
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:04.640
your brain programming with the concepts that Jackie teaches,

1956
01:40:04.640 --> 01:40:06.840
and it is reciprocity.

1957
01:40:06.840 --> 01:40:09.600
It is, if you're interested, let someone know.

1958
01:40:09.600 --> 01:40:12.200
And if they're interested, they'll say something back.

1959
01:40:12.200 --> 01:40:14.280
And so when rejection speaks to you and say,

1960
01:40:14.280 --> 01:40:17.240
I ain't going to say nothing to him, he may not even like me.

1961
01:40:17.240 --> 01:40:17.960
That's true.

1962
01:40:17.960 --> 01:40:20.280
And if he says something to you and you didn't like him,

1963
01:40:20.280 --> 01:40:22.960
you have the right to say, I don't want to talk to you.

1964
01:40:22.960 --> 01:40:24.040
That's how it works.

1965
01:40:24.040 --> 01:40:26.640
People get to say what they like and what they don't like.

1966
01:40:26.640 --> 01:40:31.440
But that comes with the update of your programming.

1967
01:40:31.440 --> 01:40:32.560
Are you tracking with me?

1968
01:40:32.560 --> 01:40:34.080
And I'm just sharing with you things

1969
01:40:34.080 --> 01:40:37.200
that help you through that part of the process,

1970
01:40:37.200 --> 01:40:40.320
because that is not how we've been taught that it works.

1971
01:40:40.320 --> 01:40:43.600
But the times that we live in, it is how it works.

1972
01:40:43.600 --> 01:40:45.560
And this is not a campaign for dating apps.

1973
01:40:45.560 --> 01:40:47.400
I'm just telling you why it looks

1974
01:40:47.400 --> 01:40:48.720
the way it looks in the Earth.

1975
01:40:48.720 --> 01:40:52.320
So me, as a Black woman, being age 43,

1976
01:40:52.320 --> 01:40:55.640
I understand that if I date a man from a Black community,

1977
01:40:55.640 --> 01:40:58.280
that he probably did not have a father.

1978
01:40:58.280 --> 01:41:01.000
I have to accept that real fact.

1979
01:41:01.000 --> 01:41:04.080
And that means that man is going to lack some things

1980
01:41:04.080 --> 01:41:06.000
that I desire from him.

1981
01:41:06.000 --> 01:41:08.040
That doesn't mean he's not going to be masculine,

1982
01:41:08.040 --> 01:41:09.360
mature, and marriage-minded.

1983
01:41:09.360 --> 01:41:11.120
But he didn't have a father, and he

1984
01:41:11.120 --> 01:41:14.960
didn't have a man to show him what it's like to love a woman.

1985
01:41:14.960 --> 01:41:17.320
And so though he has a good, solid foundation,

1986
01:41:17.320 --> 01:41:18.560
I have to consider that.

1987
01:41:18.560 --> 01:41:20.160
But I also have to consider that I

1988
01:41:20.160 --> 01:41:23.000
may have to help cultivate that part of him,

1989
01:41:23.000 --> 01:41:25.160
that I may have to get my hands in this thing

1990
01:41:25.160 --> 01:41:27.920
and help him as he matures in this area.

1991
01:41:27.920 --> 01:41:30.240
So I have to be sure that the man that I choose

1992
01:41:30.240 --> 01:41:31.880
is teachable.

1993
01:41:31.880 --> 01:41:34.360
And so my goal changes from, he should know.

1994
01:41:34.360 --> 01:41:38.200
No, he should not know, but he has to be teachable.

1995
01:41:38.200 --> 01:41:40.480
He has to be willing to submit to mentorship,

1996
01:41:40.480 --> 01:41:42.120
because I see we're going to need that.

1997
01:41:42.120 --> 01:41:44.320
And a Black man wanting a Black woman

1998
01:41:44.320 --> 01:41:46.800
will have to understand that most Black women grow up

1999
01:41:46.800 --> 01:41:49.800
in a matriarchally-led home, and she probably doesn't

2000
01:41:49.800 --> 01:41:52.960
understand respect for a man.

2001
01:41:53.000 --> 01:41:54.880
And because of that, he's going to have

2002
01:41:54.880 --> 01:41:57.240
to grow with that woman as she learns respect,

2003
01:41:57.240 --> 01:41:59.400
because men have to have respect,

2004
01:41:59.400 --> 01:42:01.000
and women have to have love.

2005
01:42:01.000 --> 01:42:02.240
We have two commandments.

2006
01:42:02.240 --> 01:42:04.640
Jesus said, men, love your wives.

2007
01:42:04.640 --> 01:42:07.080
Women, respect your husband, because it's just two.

2008
01:42:07.080 --> 01:42:09.440
It's just one simple thing each one of us have to do,

2009
01:42:09.440 --> 01:42:11.760
but it's the hardest thing to do,

2010
01:42:11.760 --> 01:42:14.480
especially when you've never seen it.

2011
01:42:14.480 --> 01:42:17.920
And so within me, I know that the Lord has

2012
01:42:17.920 --> 01:42:19.560
helped me grow in respect, but I'm

2013
01:42:19.560 --> 01:42:21.560
going to have to have some practice on the job.

2014
01:42:21.600 --> 01:42:25.400
I tell me, hey, this is the way I was raised.

2015
01:42:25.400 --> 01:42:29.200
This is where I've come, and if you don't have grace for me,

2016
01:42:29.200 --> 01:42:30.200
I am teachable.

2017
01:42:30.200 --> 01:42:32.720
I'm part of the process.

2018
01:42:32.720 --> 01:42:34.440
Then this is not going to work.

2019
01:42:34.440 --> 01:42:36.000
This is the condition.

2020
01:42:36.000 --> 01:42:42.000
Even culture teaches women not to honor men, not to value men.

2021
01:42:42.000 --> 01:42:43.680
They train us and program us.

2022
01:42:43.680 --> 01:42:44.560
You can do whatever.

2023
01:42:44.560 --> 01:42:45.520
You don't need a man.

2024
01:42:45.520 --> 01:42:46.840
You do it yourself.

2025
01:42:46.840 --> 01:42:48.560
But yet, you want to come and partner

2026
01:42:48.560 --> 01:42:51.240
with a man in the household, and you want to take over,

2027
01:42:51.240 --> 01:42:53.200
because you believe that your way is best way,

2028
01:42:53.200 --> 01:42:56.600
and we don't understand the office of a husband,

2029
01:42:56.600 --> 01:42:59.040
and the office of a wife, and how they play together.

2030
01:42:59.040 --> 01:43:01.880
I'm not trying to preach, but I'm trying to bring a reality.

2031
01:43:01.880 --> 01:43:05.200
And when we can come in the reality of where we are,

2032
01:43:05.200 --> 01:43:10.200
it really helps us adopt new principles, new understandings

2033
01:43:10.200 --> 01:43:12.800
with a greater ease.

2034
01:43:12.800 --> 01:43:15.320
And I hope this is helping.

2035
01:43:15.320 --> 01:43:16.800
No, it is helping.

2036
01:43:16.800 --> 01:43:19.600
My thing also is I have two brothers,

2037
01:43:19.640 --> 01:43:22.600
and they always tell me, no, you let him come to you.

2038
01:43:22.600 --> 01:43:24.720
You do not go to him.

2039
01:43:24.720 --> 01:43:27.040
There are guys, and they tell me that when I'm like,

2040
01:43:27.040 --> 01:43:30.440
yeah, but he might be shy, or I don't know.

2041
01:43:30.440 --> 01:43:31.840
That's always what I get back.

2042
01:43:31.840 --> 01:43:36.840
And then also another thing is the Bible says,

2043
01:43:36.840 --> 01:43:38.520
do not come from to the world,

2044
01:43:38.520 --> 01:43:39.960
and I'm looking for a Christian man.

2045
01:43:39.960 --> 01:43:42.720
And so I'm hoping that there are Christian men

2046
01:43:42.720 --> 01:43:44.160
who are like, I will be the head,

2047
01:43:44.160 --> 01:43:45.680
so I'm going to take the lead.

2048
01:43:45.720 --> 01:43:49.680
And I'm hoping that we can see that,

2049
01:43:49.680 --> 01:43:54.320
maybe not in all cases, but in many cases.

2050
01:43:54.320 --> 01:43:57.560
Yeah, but those are two different things you're mixing.

2051
01:43:57.560 --> 01:43:59.520
So let's keep them separate.

2052
01:43:59.520 --> 01:44:01.680
Let's separate out those two last things you said.

2053
01:44:01.680 --> 01:44:03.400
They don't all go together.

2054
01:44:03.400 --> 01:44:06.120
So your brothers are the one doing the choosing.

2055
01:44:06.120 --> 01:44:08.200
You have to be chose.

2056
01:44:08.200 --> 01:44:09.040
That's the truth.

2057
01:44:11.520 --> 01:44:14.000
The man is going to ask you to marry.

2058
01:44:14.360 --> 01:44:16.600
You can choose, but you're not the one choosing.

2059
01:44:16.600 --> 01:44:18.840
You have to be chosen in order to be married.

2060
01:44:20.200 --> 01:44:22.720
They're in a different position than you,

2061
01:44:22.720 --> 01:44:24.600
and you have to understand that.

2062
01:44:24.600 --> 01:44:27.680
Some parts of you say they're a man, so they must know,

2063
01:44:27.680 --> 01:44:28.640
but you got to remember,

2064
01:44:28.640 --> 01:44:30.960
your brothers are going to choose.

2065
01:44:30.960 --> 01:44:33.400
They choose their wife.

2066
01:44:33.400 --> 01:44:35.400
You don't choose a husband in that way.

2067
01:44:35.400 --> 01:44:37.440
You have to be chosen.

2068
01:44:37.440 --> 01:44:39.720
So I'm saying that to you to say,

2069
01:44:39.720 --> 01:44:42.120
if you want to say something to a person

2070
01:44:42.120 --> 01:44:43.560
to let them know you're interested,

2071
01:44:44.120 --> 01:44:44.960
it's as simple as,

2072
01:44:44.960 --> 01:44:46.480
I would enjoy getting a cup of coffee

2073
01:44:46.480 --> 01:44:48.720
and getting to know you better if you're interested.

2074
01:44:48.720 --> 01:44:52.640
With the moment you say, if you're interested, let me know,

2075
01:44:52.640 --> 01:44:54.440
then the ball jumps to his court,

2076
01:44:54.440 --> 01:44:58.160
and then he gets to come back and say, yes, I'm interested.

2077
01:44:58.160 --> 01:45:00.240
And that thing in you that you say,

2078
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:02.620
you wanted for him to say something to you first

2079
01:45:02.620 --> 01:45:03.880
has all been ironed out

2080
01:45:03.880 --> 01:45:05.600
because you had a piece of the puzzle,

2081
01:45:05.600 --> 01:45:07.520
he had a piece of the puzzle.

2082
01:45:07.520 --> 01:45:09.040
Jacket says that we have,

2083
01:45:09.040 --> 01:45:10.800
each person has a responsibility,

2084
01:45:10.800 --> 01:45:14.300
it's a 50-50 responsibility to get to know each other.

2085
01:45:17.120 --> 01:45:20.560
Now, would you go into a relationship and say,

2086
01:45:20.560 --> 01:45:21.720
are we gonna go exclusive?

2087
01:45:21.720 --> 01:45:22.600
No, you will not.

2088
01:45:22.600 --> 01:45:24.760
A man leads in that.

2089
01:45:24.760 --> 01:45:26.640
If a man is not asking you to be exclusive,

2090
01:45:26.640 --> 01:45:28.640
you're not asking that man to be exclusive

2091
01:45:28.640 --> 01:45:30.600
because if he wanted to be exclusive with you,

2092
01:45:30.600 --> 01:45:32.160
he would say that to you.

2093
01:45:34.040 --> 01:45:38.300
If you start giving, calling and chatting,

2094
01:45:38.300 --> 01:45:40.240
but he doesn't give you reciprocity,

2095
01:45:40.240 --> 01:45:41.520
you're watching patterns

2096
01:45:41.520 --> 01:45:44.300
so that you can see he's not investing.

2097
01:45:44.300 --> 01:45:46.680
So there's an opportunity for everyone

2098
01:45:46.680 --> 01:45:48.240
to have a piece of the pie

2099
01:45:48.240 --> 01:45:50.480
when you're talking about getting to know a person.

2100
01:45:50.480 --> 01:45:54.400
And your first phase is getting to know a person.

2101
01:45:54.400 --> 01:45:57.200
He's gonna have plenty of time to choose you.

2102
01:45:57.200 --> 01:45:59.360
That's what you want.

2103
01:45:59.360 --> 01:46:00.280
That's what you're saying.

2104
01:46:00.280 --> 01:46:02.040
You're gonna have to show some effort

2105
01:46:02.040 --> 01:46:03.160
that you wanna get to know me.

2106
01:46:03.160 --> 01:46:04.760
But this is just the first phase

2107
01:46:04.760 --> 01:46:07.900
and that's the beauty of this part of the program,

2108
01:46:07.900 --> 01:46:10.680
that you're dating for discovery.

2109
01:46:10.680 --> 01:46:13.160
This is very low stakes.

2110
01:46:13.160 --> 01:46:15.040
And it takes a while to catch on to this friend

2111
01:46:15.040 --> 01:46:17.400
so don't feel any type of way about it.

2112
01:46:17.400 --> 01:46:19.480
I was in this program, I guess about four years ago

2113
01:46:19.480 --> 01:46:20.480
and Jacket was my coach.

2114
01:46:20.480 --> 01:46:22.200
And let me tell you something,

2115
01:46:22.200 --> 01:46:25.600
I hit my head up against the wall every which way but loose.

2116
01:46:25.600 --> 01:46:29.520
And I was very resistant to this, very resistant.

2117
01:46:31.520 --> 01:46:33.960
It was resistant, I was all in it.

2118
01:46:33.960 --> 01:46:36.400
I broke all the boundaries, ladies.

2119
01:46:36.400 --> 01:46:38.740
That's how I learned that you have to submit to them

2120
01:46:38.740 --> 01:46:39.880
for your own self,

2121
01:46:39.880 --> 01:46:42.980
that you have to bring yourself under a order.

2122
01:46:42.980 --> 01:46:45.060
So that's that, right?

2123
01:46:45.060 --> 01:46:47.920
And now you come over to, you want a man,

2124
01:46:47.920 --> 01:46:50.320
the requirement or the foundation of any man

2125
01:46:50.320 --> 01:46:53.520
that you're gonna marry, according to this program,

2126
01:46:53.520 --> 01:46:57.160
is he's mature, he's masculine and he's marriage-minded.

2127
01:46:58.920 --> 01:47:00.840
That's your foundation.

2128
01:47:00.840 --> 01:47:03.080
So him being righteous is not a question.

2129
01:47:05.520 --> 01:47:09.520
That's not up for questioning.

2130
01:47:09.520 --> 01:47:10.880
Whether he approaches you first,

2131
01:47:10.880 --> 01:47:11.960
don't tell you if he's a leader,

2132
01:47:11.960 --> 01:47:15.600
it just tells you that he ain't afraid for you to say no.

2133
01:47:16.720 --> 01:47:17.860
I don't know if y'all noticed this,

2134
01:47:17.860 --> 01:47:19.600
but some of the men who,

2135
01:47:19.600 --> 01:47:20.920
and I'm not trying to talk about a person,

2136
01:47:20.920 --> 01:47:22.800
but some of the men who don't look the best

2137
01:47:22.800 --> 01:47:25.320
are the ones who will approach you in a hot minute

2138
01:47:25.320 --> 01:47:28.120
because they feel like I ain't got nothing to lose.

2139
01:47:28.120 --> 01:47:30.520
And so I'm saying that to you

2140
01:47:30.520 --> 01:47:32.360
is just because they approach you

2141
01:47:32.360 --> 01:47:34.160
doesn't make them a leader.

2142
01:47:34.160 --> 01:47:37.560
Maybe they feel like they don't have anything to lose

2143
01:47:37.560 --> 01:47:39.480
because the worst you can say is no.

2144
01:47:40.840 --> 01:47:42.480
And so that's why we don't put everything

2145
01:47:42.480 --> 01:47:45.400
in the same bucket and in the same category.

2146
01:47:45.400 --> 01:47:47.360
Evaluating a man as a husband

2147
01:47:47.360 --> 01:47:49.600
and evaluating him as somebody you'd like to get to know

2148
01:47:49.600 --> 01:47:51.140
are two different categories.

2149
01:47:53.440 --> 01:47:56.480
And so that's why this phase was my favorite phase

2150
01:47:56.480 --> 01:47:58.200
because it's dating for discovery

2151
01:47:58.200 --> 01:47:59.800
and it's getting to know a person,

2152
01:47:59.800 --> 01:48:01.440
is learning how to pace.

2153
01:48:01.440 --> 01:48:03.800
Even if your husband dropped down out of heaven,

2154
01:48:03.800 --> 01:48:06.000
you need to know how to pace.

2155
01:48:06.000 --> 01:48:07.560
You can go and marry him in a month

2156
01:48:07.560 --> 01:48:09.200
because you feel like the Lord said he's your husband,

2157
01:48:09.200 --> 01:48:12.000
but when you say I do, you still got to get to know him.

2158
01:48:13.560 --> 01:48:18.560
You can't bypass the process because it's not bypassable.

2159
01:48:18.560 --> 01:48:20.000
Does that make sense?

2160
01:48:20.000 --> 01:48:21.640
And so the things that you're gonna learn

2161
01:48:21.640 --> 01:48:25.600
in dating for discovery give you capacity for marriage.

2162
01:48:25.600 --> 01:48:26.800
They expand you.

2163
01:48:26.800 --> 01:48:28.560
It helps you operate in grace.

2164
01:48:28.560 --> 01:48:29.880
It helps you pace yourself enough

2165
01:48:29.880 --> 01:48:32.040
to get to know a person for who they are

2166
01:48:32.040 --> 01:48:34.680
because in marriage you have to see people for who they are

2167
01:48:34.680 --> 01:48:37.600
because they're gonna be there as themselves.

2168
01:48:37.600 --> 01:48:40.000
And sometimes we live in fantasy land so long.

2169
01:48:40.000 --> 01:48:41.760
We live in urgency so long.

2170
01:48:41.760 --> 01:48:44.120
We live in the world that time is not on our side

2171
01:48:44.120 --> 01:48:45.620
and we're running all out.

2172
01:48:47.720 --> 01:48:51.600
And it's not true because you're worth the investment.

2173
01:48:52.440 --> 01:48:54.200
All of us are worth the investment

2174
01:48:55.400 --> 01:48:57.840
because nobody gets married to get divorced.

2175
01:49:00.480 --> 01:49:02.360
And that's just not what you want.

2176
01:49:02.360 --> 01:49:07.080
And so I saw this as an opportunity for him.

2177
01:49:07.080 --> 01:49:09.640
It's gonna take a while to catch on to the rhythm.

2178
01:49:10.680 --> 01:49:14.040
This program is such an opportunity for growth.

2179
01:49:14.040 --> 01:49:16.240
It's gonna go really fast.

2180
01:49:16.240 --> 01:49:19.880
Your phases are really fast, but maximize them.

2181
01:49:19.880 --> 01:49:20.760
One lady said like this,

2182
01:49:20.760 --> 01:49:22.720
she's married now but she was on love seats.

2183
01:49:22.720 --> 01:49:24.240
She said when she came to this program,

2184
01:49:24.240 --> 01:49:25.720
she studied it like a college.

2185
01:49:25.720 --> 01:49:27.880
She took it like a college class.

2186
01:49:27.880 --> 01:49:30.640
And whatever Jackie said, dude, she did it.

2187
01:49:30.640 --> 01:49:31.520
Like it was college.

2188
01:49:31.520 --> 01:49:35.080
She told herself, this is my college course to marriage

2189
01:49:35.080 --> 01:49:36.560
and I'm gonna do whatever they say do

2190
01:49:36.560 --> 01:49:38.060
even if I don't wanna do it.

2191
01:49:39.820 --> 01:49:42.600
And it served her well.

2192
01:49:42.600 --> 01:49:44.600
And it's gonna serve all of us well.

2193
01:49:44.600 --> 01:49:47.080
And I want you to see it like a short time

2194
01:49:47.080 --> 01:49:50.120
because when you get married, this time will never be again.

2195
01:49:50.120 --> 01:49:53.040
And so I want you ladies to have fun.

2196
01:49:53.040 --> 01:49:56.320
I want you to see somebody you like and drop the hanky.

2197
01:49:56.320 --> 01:49:58.400
I want you to feel that hurt a little rejection

2198
01:49:58.400 --> 01:50:00.160
just kind of percept, yep, it hurt.

2199
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:01.800
Brush it out.

2200
01:50:01.800 --> 01:50:05.000
And I want you to get as many dates as you can.

2201
01:50:05.000 --> 01:50:07.400
I want you to laugh a lot.

2202
01:50:07.400 --> 01:50:09.880
Meet at the coffee shop.

2203
01:50:09.880 --> 01:50:12.760
He's not your husband, if that helps you.

2204
01:50:12.760 --> 01:50:15.240
And it does help.

2205
01:50:15.240 --> 01:50:19.560
So you can see people rightly, right?

2206
01:50:19.560 --> 01:50:21.920
OK, Fran, any more questions for me?

2207
01:50:21.920 --> 01:50:23.200
I hope I helped.

2208
01:50:23.200 --> 01:50:25.480
I know how this is just starting.

2209
01:50:25.480 --> 01:50:26.520
I know, I know, I know.

2210
01:50:26.520 --> 01:50:28.960
OK, did I help you?

2211
01:50:28.960 --> 01:50:30.320
No, it was helpful.

2212
01:50:30.320 --> 01:50:32.160
It was helpful, thank you.

2213
01:50:32.160 --> 01:50:33.280
Yeah, you're welcome.

2214
01:50:33.280 --> 01:50:34.840
You sure?

2215
01:50:34.840 --> 01:50:36.400
Yes, I have more questions, but it

2216
01:50:36.400 --> 01:50:37.920
will be for another session.

2217
01:50:37.920 --> 01:50:39.200
It will be for another session?

2218
01:50:39.200 --> 01:50:40.280
Is it a quick question?

2219
01:50:40.280 --> 01:50:42.080
I know we got to go, but is it a quick one?

2220
01:50:42.080 --> 01:50:44.120
What is the question?

2221
01:50:44.120 --> 01:50:48.800
No, I was just, oh, it might be a long question.

2222
01:50:48.800 --> 01:50:50.960
It might be a long question, maybe next time.

2223
01:50:50.960 --> 01:50:52.680
OK, or you can post it on the wall,

2224
01:50:52.680 --> 01:50:55.680
and we'll respond in the app.

2225
01:50:55.680 --> 01:50:57.760
OK, well, I'm going to go for it.

2226
01:50:57.760 --> 01:50:59.720
And if it's long, you tell me.

2227
01:50:59.720 --> 01:51:05.560
So I also find that oftentimes, the guy that I want

2228
01:51:05.560 --> 01:51:07.600
are not the guy that approach me.

2229
01:51:07.600 --> 01:51:10.600
And I always wonder, do I need to adjust,

2230
01:51:10.600 --> 01:51:16.880
or is it just like it's going to happen in its own time?

2231
01:51:16.880 --> 01:51:18.760
So meaning, I have a master's degree,

2232
01:51:18.760 --> 01:51:22.600
and a lot of the guys who approach me online

2233
01:51:22.600 --> 01:51:25.440
don't have degrees.

2234
01:51:25.440 --> 01:51:30.240
And most of the time, I get that I probably

2235
01:51:30.240 --> 01:51:31.840
make more money than they do.

2236
01:51:31.840 --> 01:51:34.360
And I'm like, don't they look at my profile,

2237
01:51:34.360 --> 01:51:35.800
and they approach me anyways?

2238
01:51:35.800 --> 01:51:36.600
I don't know.

2239
01:51:36.600 --> 01:51:37.720
So that's one thing.

2240
01:51:37.720 --> 01:51:42.240
And also, but you mentioned that guys

2241
01:51:42.240 --> 01:51:46.040
that are not necessarily traditionally attractive

2242
01:51:46.040 --> 01:51:52.480
would feel less shy of approaching a woman,

2243
01:51:52.480 --> 01:51:54.280
because that was also one of my problems.

2244
01:51:54.280 --> 01:51:56.200
I'm like, oh, maybe I think I'm a seven,

2245
01:51:56.200 --> 01:51:58.000
but actually, I'm only a five, and that's

2246
01:51:58.000 --> 01:51:59.680
why I'm only attracting fives.

2247
01:51:59.680 --> 01:52:00.600
I don't know.

2248
01:52:00.600 --> 01:52:03.400
But that's also something that happens to me

2249
01:52:03.400 --> 01:52:06.360
that, in terms of looks as well, maybe I

2250
01:52:06.360 --> 01:52:09.840
need to shift my perspective, because I might see myself

2251
01:52:09.840 --> 01:52:13.080
at a level that I'm truly not, and I need to change that.

2252
01:52:13.080 --> 01:52:15.080
But that's also some of the struggle

2253
01:52:15.080 --> 01:52:17.400
that I have in terms of dating.

2254
01:52:17.400 --> 01:52:21.240
Yeah, so these are very natural beginner struggles,

2255
01:52:21.240 --> 01:52:24.080
because for a while, you've been living the expectations that

2256
01:52:24.120 --> 01:52:26.000
are not probably real.

2257
01:52:26.000 --> 01:52:27.720
You just don't know it yet, and that's

2258
01:52:27.720 --> 01:52:29.560
why I'm here to help you.

2259
01:52:29.560 --> 01:52:31.560
And so you've been living in fantasy world

2260
01:52:31.560 --> 01:52:33.400
about what your husband is going to be like,

2261
01:52:33.400 --> 01:52:36.120
and what type of man you want, and how he has to be.

2262
01:52:36.120 --> 01:52:40.440
And sometimes, it's not based in reality.

2263
01:52:40.440 --> 01:52:45.960
So first thing is, just because someone is attracted to you,

2264
01:52:45.960 --> 01:52:49.480
it is not a reflection of who you are.

2265
01:52:49.480 --> 01:52:53.160
It's a reflection of them being attracted to you.

2266
01:52:53.160 --> 01:52:54.880
That's all that is.

2267
01:52:54.880 --> 01:52:59.840
They saw a beautiful woman, and they like what they saw.

2268
01:52:59.840 --> 01:53:05.160
And the way you respond to them is a reflection of you.

2269
01:53:05.160 --> 01:53:07.320
So when you respond to a person and say,

2270
01:53:07.320 --> 01:53:09.320
why would you think I would want you?

2271
01:53:09.320 --> 01:53:13.240
That's a reflection of your heart.

2272
01:53:13.240 --> 01:53:15.360
That's a reflection of you looking at them,

2273
01:53:15.360 --> 01:53:17.560
not being able to see their internal qualities.

2274
01:53:17.560 --> 01:53:20.160
You don't know what you don't know if they're righteous.

2275
01:53:20.160 --> 01:53:21.240
You don't know if they're kind.

2276
01:53:21.240 --> 01:53:22.680
You don't know if they're generous.

2277
01:53:22.680 --> 01:53:24.280
You don't know if they're patient.

2278
01:53:24.280 --> 01:53:26.880
But you've looked at their outer appearance,

2279
01:53:26.880 --> 01:53:30.600
and you decided, why would I want you?

2280
01:53:30.600 --> 01:53:33.640
OK, so disclaimer.

2281
01:53:33.640 --> 01:53:35.560
I have been on dates with a lot of men

2282
01:53:35.560 --> 01:53:37.640
that I do not find attractive, because I

2283
01:53:37.640 --> 01:53:39.800
know that what's in the heart is more important.

2284
01:53:39.800 --> 01:53:41.360
But I'm just saying that.

2285
01:53:41.360 --> 01:53:43.640
I'm just saying that.

2286
01:53:43.640 --> 01:53:49.640
I don't know why I cannot have the looks and then

2287
01:53:49.640 --> 01:53:50.840
other qualities.

2288
01:53:50.840 --> 01:53:51.800
So you're mixing it.

2289
01:53:52.440 --> 01:53:54.160
It's not about why you can't use.

2290
01:53:54.160 --> 01:53:56.760
It's not that you can't have somebody that looks the way

2291
01:53:56.760 --> 01:53:57.640
you want them to look.

2292
01:53:57.640 --> 01:53:59.520
It's just the person you went on a date with

2293
01:53:59.520 --> 01:54:01.600
is not your preferred look.

2294
01:54:01.600 --> 01:54:04.600
Most married people I know, most all of them

2295
01:54:04.600 --> 01:54:06.280
say that their spouse is not somebody

2296
01:54:06.280 --> 01:54:07.360
they would have chosen.

2297
01:54:09.880 --> 01:54:11.440
Have anybody heard that before?

2298
01:54:11.440 --> 01:54:15.800
No, not really one I would have picked, based on looks.

2299
01:54:15.800 --> 01:54:19.360
But I just really want to debunk this idea

2300
01:54:19.360 --> 01:54:23.280
that because they chose you and they don't meet your standard,

2301
01:54:23.280 --> 01:54:27.000
it doesn't speak anything about you or your beauty.

2302
01:54:27.000 --> 01:54:29.560
They like how you look.

2303
01:54:29.560 --> 01:54:31.600
You have to remember that.

2304
01:54:31.600 --> 01:54:33.960
Now, you have a master's degree.

2305
01:54:33.960 --> 01:54:35.400
Somebody is trying to talk to you.

2306
01:54:35.400 --> 01:54:38.600
They don't have a master's degree.

2307
01:54:38.600 --> 01:54:42.240
So I'm hearing that education is of value to you.

2308
01:54:42.240 --> 01:54:45.600
Would that be a right assessment?

2309
01:54:45.600 --> 01:54:47.680
What if a man tried to talk to you,

2310
01:54:47.680 --> 01:54:49.200
and he didn't have a master's degree,

2311
01:54:50.040 --> 01:54:53.760
but he had a multimillion-dollar business?

2312
01:54:53.760 --> 01:54:56.920
It has never happened, so I cannot speak to that.

2313
01:54:56.920 --> 01:54:59.120
But answer the question.

2314
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:03.300
Well, I mean, if he gets to that level, it means that he,

2315
01:55:04.980 --> 01:55:09.060
you know, he can think and he can reason and he's smart and all that stuff for sure.

2316
01:55:09.380 --> 01:55:13.780
Oh, so you believe that your education determines if you're smart?

2317
01:55:15.180 --> 01:55:19.500
No, because I know a lot of people who are not educated, who are smart.

2318
01:55:19.980 --> 01:55:25.060
I think for me, education is also a sign of like discipline, hard work.

2319
01:55:25.540 --> 01:55:29.460
Um, and that's also what I'm looking for in a man.

2320
01:55:29.760 --> 01:55:32.920
Yeah. And so it's going to the gym every day consistently.

2321
01:55:33.080 --> 01:55:35.680
And so it's meal prepping every day consistently.

2322
01:55:36.080 --> 01:55:38.680
And so don't get too tight while I'm talking,

2323
01:55:38.840 --> 01:55:43.000
but I'm trying to help you debunk some of your belief patterns and systems that

2324
01:55:43.000 --> 01:55:44.480
may not add up to the truth.

2325
01:55:47.520 --> 01:55:49.360
Education does represent that,

2326
01:55:49.440 --> 01:55:53.520
but there's no reason for you to hold fast to that in this instant. Yeah.

2327
01:55:53.920 --> 01:55:56.040
It represents that a lot of other things represent that.

2328
01:55:56.220 --> 01:55:57.060
Okay.

2329
01:55:58.220 --> 01:56:02.860
Whatever a person can take in their life and stick to consistently can show all

2330
01:56:02.880 --> 01:56:04.780
of the things that education shows.

2331
01:56:06.780 --> 01:56:10.340
So I decided I want a doctorate degree. This is a real thing.

2332
01:56:10.460 --> 01:56:11.660
I wanted my doctorate degree.

2333
01:56:12.500 --> 01:56:16.500
And so I got in the program because I thought that it took smart people to get

2334
01:56:16.500 --> 01:56:17.460
doctorate degrees.

2335
01:56:18.220 --> 01:56:22.060
I made it up to my dissertation and I quit the program because I found out it

2336
01:56:22.060 --> 01:56:24.300
didn't take smart people and I never wanted it.

2337
01:56:26.140 --> 01:56:28.660
I did not want it. I did not want a doctorate degree,

2338
01:56:28.660 --> 01:56:33.500
but I thought you smart people that clearly must be smart. They're not smart.

2339
01:56:33.500 --> 01:56:37.660
They're committed. They're just committed to the process. But I'm just,

2340
01:56:37.820 --> 01:56:42.180
I'm just trying to help you fight. Like I'm trying to help you, uh,

2341
01:56:42.220 --> 01:56:43.500
do like a pink,

2342
01:56:43.500 --> 01:56:48.060
like a weave through some of the things you may believe

2343
01:56:48.500 --> 01:56:49.980
about anything.

2344
01:56:51.300 --> 01:56:55.340
And so if somebody tries to talk to you and they don't have a master's degree,

2345
01:56:56.580 --> 01:57:00.340
it's just a degree. It just shows that they, what you said.

2346
01:57:00.360 --> 01:57:05.100
So the core of what you really want is a person who's able to be consistent and

2347
01:57:05.100 --> 01:57:06.020
to stick through.

2348
01:57:06.620 --> 01:57:10.260
You want to be able to see that they have the ability to stay with something.

2349
01:57:10.500 --> 01:57:12.260
That is a really good measurement.

2350
01:57:12.620 --> 01:57:15.660
That's a good measurement when you consider somebody for marriage.

2351
01:57:15.940 --> 01:57:19.100
That's why when you're getting to know a person, if they're not consistent,

2352
01:57:19.260 --> 01:57:21.300
you decide that, Hey, this is not going to work for me.

2353
01:57:21.300 --> 01:57:25.320
Because one of the core things a person needs to be to build a relationship is

2354
01:57:25.320 --> 01:57:26.380
consistency.

2355
01:57:29.660 --> 01:57:34.180
So what I'm showing you is just because a person that have to have a degree,

2356
01:57:34.180 --> 01:57:37.500
there's not another way to evaluate the thing that you really want.

2357
01:57:38.140 --> 01:57:42.460
And a person can have a very educated discussion with you without having gone to

2358
01:57:42.460 --> 01:57:47.060
school. And I know people who go to school that have suck conversations.

2359
01:57:49.700 --> 01:57:54.420
Like they ain't talking about nothing at all. And you know,

2360
01:57:54.440 --> 01:57:58.320
and so is there your body language?

2361
01:57:58.320 --> 01:58:00.720
So you like, it does not like this conversation.

2362
01:58:01.120 --> 01:58:04.600
No, I agree with all that you said. Um,

2363
01:58:05.520 --> 01:58:07.480
and I've dated a lot of wealthy,

2364
01:58:07.800 --> 01:58:10.600
gone on dates with many people who don't have that.

2365
01:58:10.880 --> 01:58:14.280
My mom doesn't have that and I respect her. So I always leave the door open,

2366
01:58:14.280 --> 01:58:16.020
but I think it's also comes to,

2367
01:58:16.600 --> 01:58:19.960
I will be the provider and I do not want to be the provider in,

2368
01:58:20.620 --> 01:58:24.940
in a relationship. I do not want to be a provider in my relationship.

2369
01:58:24.980 --> 01:58:29.940
So let's stick with that. I value a man who provides.

2370
01:58:31.420 --> 01:58:35.900
I believe that a good measurement of a man who provide may not be,

2371
01:58:35.900 --> 01:58:40.180
if he has a master's degree, you can marry an engineer,

2372
01:58:41.100 --> 01:58:43.780
hear me. And in the next year,

2373
01:58:43.780 --> 01:58:48.780
he has an accident where you become the provider and you become his

2374
01:58:48.800 --> 01:58:52.760
caretaker. He's your husband at this point. Okay.

2375
01:58:52.840 --> 01:58:55.080
So this can get spent all kinds of ways.

2376
01:58:57.640 --> 01:59:02.640
So what I'm saying to you is let's measure just what your heart desires and not

2377
01:59:05.440 --> 01:59:07.520
attach. They don't have a master's degree. They're not there.

2378
01:59:07.760 --> 01:59:11.560
You don't want to be the sole provider for your household.

2379
01:59:11.720 --> 01:59:14.520
So that means when you start evaluating a man,

2380
01:59:14.720 --> 01:59:17.200
you want to see his track record working.

2381
01:59:18.100 --> 01:59:22.740
Maybe you want to know about a man who has the heart of an entrepreneur so that

2382
01:59:22.760 --> 01:59:26.420
maybe you are a builder and you like to create your own money.

2383
01:59:26.900 --> 01:59:31.900
So me is very important to me that a man is either working somewhere where he's

2384
01:59:32.300 --> 01:59:34.860
building some type of where he's able to invest,

2385
01:59:35.060 --> 01:59:38.740
that there's enough flow of money, um, that he has an entrepreneur heart.

2386
01:59:38.780 --> 01:59:41.980
I would really like that better. Um, I don't always,

2387
01:59:42.060 --> 01:59:45.420
I don't enjoy being a slave to a system in exchange for something.

2388
01:59:45.720 --> 01:59:48.920
And so I, I'm, I'm always, I have an online store.

2389
01:59:48.920 --> 01:59:52.200
Like I'm always doing something outside of those types of things.

2390
01:59:52.560 --> 01:59:57.560
And so your better investment would be to get length to have a measurement for

2391
01:59:58.200 --> 01:59:59.440
that type of man.

2392
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:04.560
So that means that this man would have to be teachable. That means he would have to be

2393
02:00:04.560 --> 02:00:09.360
integrous. You want a man who's committed to being righteous because what comes along

2394
02:00:09.360 --> 02:00:15.200
with a righteous man is the order and decrees in the laws of scripture. Right?

2395
02:00:16.880 --> 02:00:23.200
You want a man who is generous. Why? Not just generous with money, but generous with his time.

2396
02:00:24.080 --> 02:00:29.760
You want a man who honors family. So that means when you get to this stage,

2397
02:00:29.760 --> 02:00:33.840
you're looking at a man to see how he operates with his mother. You're trying to see how he

2398
02:00:33.840 --> 02:00:37.840
operates around his family. You want to hear what his family has to say about him.

2399
02:00:37.840 --> 02:00:43.760
This has nothing to do with a master's degree. Right? You want to see a man, he's been on his

2400
02:00:43.760 --> 02:00:48.560
job 30 years and yeah, it may be a warehouse, but he's already the supervisor or he's the manager.

2401
02:00:48.560 --> 02:00:52.960
He may be in a position that took somebody else a while to get there. Like, oh, there's so many

2402
02:00:52.960 --> 02:01:05.520
things that can show you the things you desire. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with all of that. Okay. Okay.

2403
02:01:06.720 --> 02:01:10.480
I know we've said a lot. I would like to encapsulate it into one thing,

2404
02:01:10.480 --> 02:01:14.240
but I don't know how to do that because we have talked about a lot and I have tackled a lot of

2405
02:01:14.240 --> 02:01:21.120
things. But your perspective shift is going to give you more grace as you're dating and it's

2406
02:01:21.120 --> 02:01:26.720
going to open you up for what heaven has for you. I want to encourage you to ask heaven for heaven's

2407
02:01:26.720 --> 02:01:31.520
non-negotiables for your life. You see where you are, but you don't know where you're going.

2408
02:01:31.520 --> 02:01:36.480
And heaven knows the type of husband you need to cultivate the woman that he has designed you to

2409
02:01:36.480 --> 02:01:42.560
be. Marriage makes us most holy than it makes us happy. And whoever your husband is, he's going to

2410
02:01:42.560 --> 02:01:48.640
have a design upon him. They probably won't come with the things that you think are needed for your

2411
02:01:48.640 --> 02:01:55.200
journey, for your life. Does that make sense? And so Jackie always encourages us to ask God for his

2412
02:01:55.200 --> 02:02:00.640
non-negotiables for our life. It is very helpful for the journey. And so I want to encourage you

2413
02:02:00.640 --> 02:02:06.880
to do that. I think that's a really good starting point. And lay out what your heart really wants

2414
02:02:06.880 --> 02:02:13.840
and not the things you decided is the measurement for that. Does that make sense? One of my greatest

2415
02:02:13.840 --> 02:02:20.000
fears when I came into this program is I would have to carry a man. That really bothers me. And

2416
02:02:20.000 --> 02:02:25.920
so this was one of the things that had to be broken off of me. I was really, I used to date men just

2417
02:02:25.920 --> 02:02:32.560
to prove that they could not stand, that they wouldn't make it. Literally. I judged them so harsh

2418
02:02:33.680 --> 02:02:37.360
because I've already decided I wouldn't carry a man and they weren't good enough.

2419
02:02:38.160 --> 02:02:44.160
And so that is a real thing and you, we can wear it like armor and we wonder why we don't attract.

2420
02:02:47.600 --> 02:02:51.840
We don't attract the type of man that we would like to be with because we repel them.

2421
02:02:53.520 --> 02:02:57.760
I'm not saying you're doing that, but it really helps when you break down what you really want.

2422
02:02:57.760 --> 02:03:01.280
Hear your heart and then say, Lord, what does that look like to you?

2423
02:03:01.280 --> 02:03:03.280
Yeah. Okay.

2424
02:03:03.280 --> 02:03:05.280
Ebony. Yeah.

2425
02:03:05.280 --> 02:03:11.600
This is Rachel. I just wanted to add, I don't know to what you were saying to Fran. Is there a

2426
02:03:11.600 --> 02:03:19.600
cultural aspect? Because for immigrants, education is very important. And I don't know if that is the

2427
02:03:19.600 --> 02:03:25.200
case because I can totally relate to Fran. I'm not saying that, you know, I see what you're saying. I

2428
02:03:25.520 --> 02:03:32.320
just was thinking of another perspective as well that maybe for her, like the cultural expectation

2429
02:03:32.320 --> 02:03:37.520
of, oh, when you're an immigrant and you come from a different country, like there are parents,

2430
02:03:38.160 --> 02:03:43.360
when you're a child of an immigrant parent, the expectation of, you got to go to school,

2431
02:03:43.360 --> 02:03:50.400
you got to get to the highest degree that you can possibly get. Like, it's a real thing. So I just

2432
02:03:50.480 --> 02:03:52.480
wanted to add that.

2433
02:03:52.480 --> 02:03:56.480
I agree with you. And thank you for adding, but I thought that Fran was going to say that when I

2434
02:03:56.480 --> 02:04:02.480
asked her about the degree, but that's not what she responded back and say it. I assume that it

2435
02:04:02.480 --> 02:04:08.480
was more culture because that is a big deal. You come to this country and once you get highly

2436
02:04:08.480 --> 02:04:14.480
educated, you know, but that's not what she said. Fran, is there another part of your heart that

2437
02:04:14.480 --> 02:04:16.480
you didn't get to share?

2438
02:04:17.440 --> 02:04:19.440
Or it could be there and you don't know.

2439
02:04:19.440 --> 02:04:26.720
Yeah, I think what Rachel says is a little component of that for sure. Because, yeah,

2440
02:04:26.720 --> 02:04:31.440
I am an immigrant here and my mom had, her dream for me was work for the government,

2441
02:04:32.560 --> 02:04:40.320
do as high as you can in education, be financially stable, and then go to school.

2442
02:04:40.880 --> 02:04:53.040
I grew up with a, you know, a single mother, immigrant coming to a new country. So I think

2443
02:04:53.040 --> 02:05:00.000
it plays a role also in that. But it's also because my conception of a hard worker is someone

2444
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:02.800
one similar to me, and maybe because of my background,

2445
02:05:02.800 --> 02:05:04.640
is that if you are a hard worker,

2446
02:05:04.640 --> 02:05:07.600
you're going to reach for as high as you can.

2447
02:05:07.600 --> 02:05:09.520
And it's not necessarily a degree.

2448
02:05:09.520 --> 02:05:15.240
You can be, I don't know, an entrepreneur, like you

2449
02:05:15.240 --> 02:05:17.400
mentioned, and be very successful

2450
02:05:17.400 --> 02:05:20.440
and reach really high as well.

2451
02:05:20.440 --> 02:05:22.800
Like from the culture that I come in,

2452
02:05:22.800 --> 02:05:26.960
like people who don't go the academic route typically

2453
02:05:26.960 --> 02:05:29.040
are kids that don't do well in school

2454
02:05:29.040 --> 02:05:32.960
and that were not the well-behaved kids,

2455
02:05:32.960 --> 02:05:34.320
the hardworking kids.

2456
02:05:34.320 --> 02:05:36.640
And I know school is not made for everyone,

2457
02:05:36.640 --> 02:05:38.520
and maybe that's also why.

2458
02:05:38.520 --> 02:05:40.800
But that's something that is in my head

2459
02:05:40.800 --> 02:05:44.080
as well, that if you were a disciplined person,

2460
02:05:44.080 --> 02:05:47.520
if you are someone who worked hard,

2461
02:05:47.520 --> 02:05:50.720
unless you have special circumstances that maybe you're

2462
02:05:50.720 --> 02:05:52.720
an immigrant, so maybe you were a doctor back home

2463
02:05:52.720 --> 02:05:56.600
and now you come and you have to do, I don't know.

2464
02:05:59.040 --> 02:06:01.040
Yeah, you have to do other jobs that are not,

2465
02:06:01.040 --> 02:06:02.440
like you see what I'm saying.

2466
02:06:02.440 --> 02:06:03.520
I know what you're saying.

2467
02:06:03.520 --> 02:06:08.800
I think it's also ingrained in my head that, yeah.

2468
02:06:08.800 --> 02:06:10.440
No, I hear your heart in that.

2469
02:06:10.440 --> 02:06:12.840
And I will say, I'm not an immigrant,

2470
02:06:12.840 --> 02:06:15.400
but in my family, education is highly important,

2471
02:06:15.400 --> 02:06:17.400
and all the women are educated.

2472
02:06:17.400 --> 02:06:20.240
My grandfather was a sharecropper,

2473
02:06:20.240 --> 02:06:21.560
and we're going to wrap this up.

2474
02:06:21.560 --> 02:06:25.560
And he told, the white man told him

2475
02:06:25.560 --> 02:06:27.040
his daughter couldn't go to college,

2476
02:06:27.040 --> 02:06:28.840
which was my grandmother.

2477
02:06:28.840 --> 02:06:31.560
And he walked out of that land with his child.

2478
02:06:31.560 --> 02:06:34.520
And my grandmother and his wife would not

2479
02:06:34.520 --> 02:06:35.960
addine to their name.

2480
02:06:35.960 --> 02:06:40.680
And my family owns over 1,700 acres of land

2481
02:06:40.680 --> 02:06:42.280
that my grandfather paid for.

2482
02:06:42.280 --> 02:06:45.280
My grandmother was the first Black woman

2483
02:06:45.280 --> 02:06:48.280
in the state of Mississippi to be the superintendent

2484
02:06:48.280 --> 02:06:49.920
of special education.

2485
02:06:49.920 --> 02:06:53.400
And so I come from a lineage of strong Black women

2486
02:06:53.400 --> 02:06:57.080
who believe in education highly, a lot of education.

2487
02:06:57.080 --> 02:07:00.080
And so they measure a lot of things out of education.

2488
02:07:00.080 --> 02:07:01.960
And so for some of it, I totally get it.

2489
02:07:01.960 --> 02:07:05.840
And they raised the women to be very,

2490
02:07:05.840 --> 02:07:08.280
the women in my family, if a man ain't got no money,

2491
02:07:08.280 --> 02:07:09.680
he can't say nothing.

2492
02:07:09.680 --> 02:07:12.920
The Lord had to deliver me from so many things, so much

2493
02:07:12.920 --> 02:07:15.360
control the women carried in my family.

2494
02:07:15.360 --> 02:07:18.840
And their husbands, you can't say much to them now,

2495
02:07:18.840 --> 02:07:21.280
because they measure everything by what do you have,

2496
02:07:21.280 --> 02:07:23.120
what your degree, what money you have.

2497
02:07:23.120 --> 02:07:24.800
It's just a lot of little things.

2498
02:07:24.800 --> 02:07:26.600
But I think, friend, I'm going to say this and I'm going to go.

2499
02:07:26.600 --> 02:07:29.640
I think you should write that down as well and ask the Lord,

2500
02:07:29.640 --> 02:07:31.240
what do I do with this?

2501
02:07:31.240 --> 02:07:32.960
And how does that show up in my life?

2502
02:07:32.960 --> 02:07:34.400
Because it's a part of you.

2503
02:07:34.400 --> 02:07:37.560
And it's a part of why you feel so strongly about why

2504
02:07:37.560 --> 02:07:39.040
you feel those things.

2505
02:07:39.040 --> 02:07:40.800
And that's the agitation you feel,

2506
02:07:40.800 --> 02:07:43.480
because there are other deep seated things there.

2507
02:07:43.480 --> 02:07:46.280
And I think you should get it all out on paper

2508
02:07:46.280 --> 02:07:50.400
and say, now, Lord, what do you desire from me out of this?

2509
02:07:50.400 --> 02:07:52.520
What would this look like in my life?

2510
02:07:52.520 --> 02:07:56.400
And I want you to bring me back what you get.

2511
02:07:56.400 --> 02:08:00.520
Because your expectations matter when you're out here dating,

2512
02:08:00.520 --> 02:08:03.200
you know, and how you're measuring things.

2513
02:08:03.200 --> 02:08:06.280
Because it's going to determine who you may turn away,

2514
02:08:06.280 --> 02:08:08.080
who you may give a little more grace to.

2515
02:08:11.200 --> 02:08:12.920
OK.

2516
02:08:12.920 --> 02:08:14.280
Come back to see me, please.

2517
02:08:14.280 --> 02:08:17.120
I hope I did nothing to you.

2518
02:08:17.120 --> 02:08:19.120
OK.

2519
02:08:19.120 --> 02:08:21.680
All right, ladies, you guys have been amazing.

2520
02:08:21.680 --> 02:08:23.160
It's so good to see you, Roberta.

2521
02:08:23.160 --> 02:08:24.880
And have fun.

2522
02:08:24.880 --> 02:08:26.200
And I'll see you next time.

2523
02:08:27.000 --> 02:08:29.080
And Tiffany, update us again on something.

2524
02:08:29.080 --> 02:08:30.520
It's like I need to know something.

2525
02:08:30.520 --> 02:08:31.800
Bye.

2526
02:08:31.800 --> 02:08:34.320
OK, all right, bye, ladies.