Hey, how are y'all tonight?
Good. Yeah, I'm good.
It's so good to see all of y'all.
Sorry, I'm late.
I never had to put this meeting code in,
and I apparently kept putting it in wrong,
but I've never had to do that before.
Hey, I'm here. Is there anyone on that,
if this is your first time,
this is a weird platform.
Thank you, Mandy.
Is this your first time with us?
No? Great.
If you are, I don't understand,
it's the way I logged in.
Oh, it is. Fran Can.
Hello.
Well, I'm Ebony.
It's so nice to have you here.
Megan, were you waving your hands
your first time from Minnesota?
Oh, great.
I'm at eight o'clock.
Carla is at one o'clock,
and of course, Eastern time.
And the ideal is when you come into phase two,
is that you watch one video a week,
just in case you weren't aware of that.
And you don't have to.
You watch it as you can,
but one video a week,
kind of get your aha moments from it.
Are you guys on the dating scene yet?
Have you started dating yet?
Yeah? Great.
No online dating?
Well, watch some of the videos.
They'll help get you prepared for dating.
You don't have to watch the video
before you make a profile.
We would love to see your profile.
We would love to give you feedback.
We would love to see the colors that you chose.
If you're gonna go on the apps,
it's not a requirement.
There are many places you can meet men.
I like meeting them in the wild.
It's actually really fun.
So yeah.
Any questions about how to navigate anything?
What's what?
What's happening?
What's going on?
Who are the people?
Okay.
You're online.
I actually just had been dating lately.
Okay, great.
Well, let's pray.
Father God, I thank you for these ladies.
I thank you for our time.
I call this a time of good fellowship
because we get to fellowship with each other,
but we also get to fellowship with your wisdom,
with your power, with your strength,
with your encouragement, Lord.
And we just thank you for a place
that we can gather together
with one mind and one accord.
Lord God, to see your kingdom come
and your will be done in our life
as it pertains to our whole life and to marriage.
And so we thank you for it now.
In Jesus name, amen.
How many of us believe that he who began a great work in us
is faithful to complete it?
Are we familiar with this scripture?
Yeah.
The Bible says,
he who began a great work in me is faithful to complete it.
And not only does it say that,
it says that God makes all things beautiful in its time.
And you know, that scripture scares me a lot sometimes.
Cause it's like, well, what's the time?
Is it next month?
Is it next week?
Is this a perfect time for beauty, Lord?
Can't you see?
But it says that he makes all things beautiful in its time.
And so one thing that does do is tell me
that the father is working
and he's making whatever this thing is I have,
whatever I'm concerned about,
he's working to make it beautiful.
And one thing I know about my God,
he is a God that does things in complete extravagance.
Heaven is extravagant.
What Christ did on the cross was extravagant.
It is unmatched.
Nobody could do it.
He did so much, we can't even pay them back.
So we just say, thank you.
So this is the guy that I'm talking about
who makes all things beautiful in its time.
This is the God I'm talking about.
He makes it beautiful in his time.
This is the God I'm talking about
that brought the children of Israel out of Egypt,
out of bondage, and they took the wealth of Egypt with them.
This is the guy that makes all things beautiful in his time.
So that means as I take this faith journey with the Lord,
as I go through this process,
I have the go-ahead to pick up all the jewels
and the treasures that I find along the way
and tuck them into my little bag
because God makes things beautiful in his time.
And when I come out of one place, I don't just come as me.
I come loaded, fully equipped, jam-packed, ready to roll,
nothing missing, nothing lacking, nothing broken
because that's who our God is.
And so, yes, he does make all things beautiful in his time.
And this other scripture that's so exciting to me,
and it says that a day is like a thousand.
He says, the Lord is not slack concerning his promises
as some may think,
that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord
and a thousand years like a day.
Now, sometimes when I used to hit it up,
I'd be like, look, I'm not about this thousand years stuff.
I don't know what you're talking about, Lord.
But when I find out that he can take a thousand years,
he can take five years of waiting, four years of waiting,
10 years of waiting.
years of waiting and make something happen in one day, boy, do I get excited.
So, you know, that word cut one way, but when it come back the other way,
it works in my favor and it works in your favor because it only takes one
moment, one day when you meet your husband and it is a done deal.
Literally the moment you meet him, that's it.
And he'll take all of this and make it happen in one moment for us.
And so we are excited tonight, ladies,
because the Lord is making some things beautiful in your life.
That's what he does. That's what your goal is. Marriage. His goal is beauty.
Yeah. All right. His goal is beauty.
And so we just don't take it any old kind of way. All right.
So we pray and tonight we're going to talk about something that everybody kind
of gets their little panties in a bunch about because it's kind of confusing.
It was confusing for me. It's like, what does that really mean?
So most of all of Jackie's saying, I would say, but what does that really mean?
And that's this one thing of it's a yes until it's a no.
It seems so, everything seems so confusing.
One minute you ask about a man and give him a chance.
The next minute you ask about the same behavior and it's like, Oh no,
cut that a loose blessing block. And you're like, I don't know what to do.
So for all of our new people, I hope I'm not too excited tonight,
but Jackie teaches us that it is a yes until it's a no.
And the reason why we do that is because a lot of times when you've been single,
I don't know what Jackie says is going to tell you when you've been single and
just you and Jesus, you have all these demands of people.
You sit and create the perfect husband sitting on the beach.
Everything's wonderful. He serves you. You're happy. He listens.
He's your best friend. He's all of these things.
He has no problems whatsoever and you don't have anything to work on cause you're
pretty perfect. You're just waiting on the Lord for this man to come along.
Well, somebody comes along and he looks like a human.
He's actually not Jesus. And when he shows up,
he forgets to maybe call you or text you the actual time and location and you're
really like, I'm cutting him out. He's inconsistent.
I'm not dealing with this. Do you know when we got to the table,
he asked me no questions about myself. I mean, I don't think he's interested.
All he did was talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
And what we'll do is we'll say, Nope, I'm not doing this.
That's the first date. First conversation.
You may not consider that he's nervous.
You may not consider that he might not know what to talk about.
So he just keeps talking about what he's good at, right?
You don't consider that he's sitting looking at a beautiful woman and he's
tongue tied. You forget that a man sees with his eyes,
like he's a visual creature, individual.
And we like communication is who we like, what we hear.
And so you have two different things at work here. And so when he says to you,
Hey, beautiful, you're offended. I'm not going to talk to him.
He called me beautiful. I don't like to be greeted that way.
Don't you dare call me beautiful. Don't you call me pretty who you don't know me.
And so a lot of these things cause us to cut people out.
And so that is so other things, right?
So what we say is it's a yes until it's a no. And so we say,
we want you to take three dates and long as it's a yes,
you go on another one. And as long as a yes, you go on another one.
And when the no comes, it becomes a no,
but don't let it be a no your first go around,
especially when it's not things that are, uh, like, well,
he's not tall enough. That's not a no. You know,
we don't want to build on those. Um, those, um, what do they call it?
Like vanity type things or, um,
appearance type things or, um, you know, if it's going to be a no,
let it be because he touched you inappropriately or you punch him in the nose.
If he does that, let it be a no, because he, you know,
said something inappropriate to you. He keeps using sexual innuendos. Um,
you feel unsafe around him. Um, things like that.
So we want some heart. Those are absolutely a no, right?
That has nothing to with grace is called boundaries.
When a man crosses your boundaries continually,
then that becomes a no for you. Okay.
You ask him not to call you pet names. He continues to call you pet names.
And we understand. And someone asked about this. So I will say this pet names
are not, they do not serve you. Well, they feel good.
But what the reason why they feel so good is because it's a belief that this
person knows you better than they do. That's what it produces.
Like I know you so well, so I'll give you a, uh,
I'll give you a term of endearment.
Those are terms of endearment from people who know you,
right? They give you a nickname, they give you a pet name.
And so you have somebody to come along,
you baby every time they talk to you it's going to create something in you
and it's gonna do it very quickly pet names speed up something so quick your
head will spin and you know that they have ability to do this because it does
feel really good hey baby hey babe what you doing love
oh honey it just most of the times we want terms of endearment that's why
people get people terms of endearment they care about them right and so it
feels good when somebody come along and say the things that you've longed to
hear and so we don't do terms of endearment that's not part of the
script tonight but it's a yes until it's a no and so um you want to take your
time you want to observe and you want to give an individual an opportunity it is
to your advantage to operate and grow in the power and the ability of grace
and forgiveness a lot of times when a person does something that we don't like
instead of us marking it down it's like oh that's them we can't see it apart
from us because we've already looked at them through the wrong lens you're
already viewing them as your spouse or potential spouse and so what happens to
guard yourself you go way ahead and you say oh no I couldn't be with somebody
that do stuff like that anyway the moment you hear thoughts like that and
you're just getting to know a person you need to know you've already decided
something about them you've already put an expectation because at the point of
the beginning of knowing a person in the early stages of it's a yes till it's a
no this is very early this is surface level conversations right you're just
getting to know them as a person they're not attached to you then they're not
they should have no attachment to you they're an individual you're an
individual and you're just getting to know them so when they do something that
is not favorable or something that you don't you don't desire it's not against
you it's who they are and so that's how we're able to watch a person and see if
they're consistent or inconsistent so you don't have to get offended because
they're inconsistent your job is just mark that oh I noticed after these two
weeks they're not very consistent but sometimes what happens is a man will
come in and we'll talk about this and we yeah well we're gonna talk tonight also
about my little notes here so I don't get way I've checked we're gonna talk
about fireworks versus real chemistry and this kind of flows into that okay
fireworks versus real chemistry sometimes what happens is okay sorry
let me stop right here okay so how do we get this these expectations what happens
is you come in with the perception because I need to hit on this is he the
one those questions don't serve you best it's hard to say is he the one without
imagining him being the one and that's why your judgments are so so harsh
against a person because you're thinking is he the one and if you're the one you
ain't gonna be a B C D so if this helps you this is what I do I tell my brain
that is wired to think that way he is not the one and some people feel like oh
well that's not faith I don't know what to tell you but if you want to survive
this dating process and you want to guard your heart without diligence I am
I err on the side of he's not the one so that I can stay grounded within myself
and make wise decisions because if he is the one I won't miss the one that's not
gonna happen as a matter of fact the more you show your true self the more
the one is gonna want you and a lot of times in dating we come up with our we
come with our best mask on and we show up you know like there is like you're
not a person and that's not a real thing you are a person and we can find ourselves
judging another person harshly when we're unaware of the fact or you don't
operate in awareness that you're a person with fault and with flaws as well
and there is no perfection to you and so this serves in two ways it is so important to
See people as people.
So you can live in La La Land before you marry him, I don't believe he's a person,
but when you get to the other side of that, do you find out he is a real person?
And so are you.
Right, so one of the things that allows us
to have this thought process is when we start with in the is running
in the background, is he the one, is he the one?
Why do I say this is challenging for us?
It's challenging for us because we're in a program,
believing God by faith for a husband.
It's always running in the background
of your head because you believe in God for a spouse.
And so that's why I take this stance on it to help myself,
because I know that I'm in a partnership to my love story with the father.
And I believe that any day I can meet my husband.
I believe that the promise is coming.
I don't believe that it's far out.
I believe that is right at my doorstep.
As a matter of a matter of fact, I pray prayers like this.
Lord, I know he's here.
Open my eyes so that I may see.
Because I know that you do what you say you're going to do.
So the problem is not you.
The problem is I just can't see.
Instead of saying to God, where is he?
Oh, I say, God, I know you do what you say you're going to do.
I got a whole track record of you being good and you being God and you keeping
your word and you being faithful to complete this until the end.
So the problem has to be my eyes.
Open them up so I may see what you have done for me.
And if that is not your prayer and you
are encouraged by it, I encourage you to adopt that prayer
because it will change the posture of your heart.
And it will give you a reminder of who you're in partnership with.
The one who is the Alpha and the Omega, not the beginning and the end,
but he's the beginning and the end at the same time.
He's not one here, one here, he all the way through it.
And he's always working for our good.
And so I say to him, I know you're working everything for my good.
So the problem is I just can't see what you're doing.
Open my eyes so that I may see.
I know you're doing a good thing in me.
Open my eyes so I may see what you're restoring in me, what you're rebuilding
in me, what you're doing in my life right now.
Help me see your hand because you're always moving.
You're always working.
I can look around me at the whole world
and see that you never stop moving, that you never stop working.
What are you doing right now in this season, Lord?
OK, I just throwing it out there.
All right. OK.
And there's some other things that are running in the background is,
do I feel enough? Should I pull back?
He just did this.
What do I do next?
He said this was usually takes right back.
He didn't take right back.
Like so there are a lot of things that can be happening at the same time.
And so I use prethoughts to safeguard
myself and this will help you get through the process in getting to know a person.
Because at the end of the day, if you notice some inconsistency,
they're just inconsistent.
But it really hurts when you really like
a person because you really wanted it to be like, man.
We were here like you.
So in order for us to make that type of decision that early on,
would you agree that you had to be thinking something?
You haven't had an opportunity to observe this person.
Usually this happens within the first first the first to second week.
A lot of this happens very early on.
Um, when so I just want you to know that it may happen in the first three weeks,
but when you start dating a person and getting to know them and it looks very
promising, even if it's on paper, some parts of you, you start releasing.
Out in that process, you don't know, but it like trickles out like, OK, OK, OK.
Well, I'm telling you in the first two, three weeks or month,
this is just the time of it's a yes until it's a no.
This is just the time of getting to know a person.
And it's going to feel good talking about all the things you shouldn't talk about.
But it comes back to bite you really hard
when you get to week three and you find out it's not going to work.
Now, I'm just being honest with you from my own experience.
You really have to be mindful to guard your heart without diligence, not put up
walls, but follow come under your own boundaries, come under the boundaries
that we've given you ladies in this program, because it's going to work to serve you.
This, you know, sometimes.
Let's talk about this. Sometimes when a man comes in really hot, it speeds up
something on the inside of you, right? But he can switch over to hot
cold, hot cold, hot cold, hot cold, and you get very confused when that happens. So he
starts out strong. Hey, how's your day going? Just want to hear from you, you
know, like, and this is when we feel like it's fire or it's chemistry, it's these
fireworks because they come in hot and they're they're giving that consistency
that you would like. You can't, for some reason when you're dating, it seems like
two days is weeks. I don't know what, it is the craziest thing ever. Hey, who all knows that?
Like, it's like one day, two day, three day, seems like freaking forever and it's like, it's, I keep
telling myself, it's just one day, it's just two days, it's just three days, but
myself don't want to hear that. I be like, we on a roll, shit!
So because myself can't always be trusted that way, I have lots of
accountability and these accountability people in my life tell me it's been 23
hours. I'm serious, like, I train people to say stuff to me like this. Like, literally, it's been
count the hours, count the minutes, and give it back to me because I'm over here in
la-la land somewhere. It's like, and so my sisters, I was like, but you don't really
know him, right? I'm like, right. But he said, yeah, he just said, didn't he? Right. This
constant reminder, you don't really know him. And so, anyway, so sometimes when a man
comes in hot, we think it's chemistry. You want to call it, some people call it
chemistry. You think it's a real connection, but it could just be a lot of
fireworks. And fireworks release a lot of dopamine. Dopamine in our brain is the
thrill of it. I love it. It's just so exciting. And so, fireworks feel like, if you
want to know what fireworks feel like, they feel like instant intensity. Who's
ever felt that instant intensity before? I don't know. Why it got to feel so good?
Golly. Why the Lord didn't make it where it can feel bad? Emotional obsession.
Thank you. Emotional obsession. Like, you're obsessing over this thing. You don't
know. There's this loop running in your brain, even when it's in the background.
Or you keep picking your phone up. You keep checking. You keep checking to see if they've
called or maybe they text. Did you mix something? Or this constant, that's the
constant thinking about them. Or the high highs and then the low lows. Now, I know me
fairly better than times past. And so, let me say this before I say this. Oftentimes,
these things that you feel like are like chemistry or connection. It's actually your
nervous system being activated. That uncertainty can give you those dopamine spikes. So, like,
you're uncertain that all of a sudden they come through and everything disappears. It feels so
good. All of a sudden, you get that spike of dopamine. And then it's that emotional
unpredictability is mistaken for a spark. And intensity is not clarity. And so, a lot of times
when you have intensity, it lacks clarity. And it takes us a few days to catch up with it. But all
of a sudden, you'll notice later, start posting, I thought this, but I'm confused. When that
confusion start coming, if you're confused, it's because they don't give you clarity.
And we're so quick to blame ourselves. But if you ever, ever date a man who is intentional,
he is going to always be clear. If you are confused, it's because you're not giving
clarity. If you are confused, a lot of times you're being bread crumb. Anytime you feel like,
oh, they could give more. You're probably right. They probably could give more. You're not in your
right mind, ladies. The Lord has given you intuition. There are walls, there are things,
but you can tell when somebody is not doing what they started out doing.
But let's remember that the starting out was just three days ago.
And so, if in your mind, you've already decided they were consistent, you get angry because now
you believe they're behaving inconsistent. When at first they were consistent,
but there was no at first because you're still at first.
They were never supposed to be judged as consistent.
It was only two days.
So we cannot make a decision
that a person is consistent after two days.
Listen, y'all know when we start a diet,
now you know you may start out them first two days strong,
but you let Friday and Saturday roll around.
See how you gonna be showing out.
This is what I'm talking about, the consistent stuff.
You know what I'm saying?
So you know yourself when you're doing a new routine,
you need at least three weeks
to see if you're really in that thing, right?
This is just a measurement of things.
And it goes all, how long does this at first last?
Like, when does it move from there?
And so at first,
look, I'm about to define it with the definition,
is at first.
But I would measure a person's consistency
over at least three weeks, four weeks.
You all start seeing a person's rhythm at that time, right?
Because at least in about a month,
they should have gotten busy enough
not to come through on their word
to no fault of their own and be able to follow up and say,
hey, I know I said I was gonna do this.
I'm not gonna be able to make that happen.
Or even if they didn't send the text,
the next time you talk to them,
they're not acting like nothing happened.
It's like, hey, woo, it didn't happen.
I thought it would, I didn't get an opportunity.
And so you give it enough time so that life can life.
If a person is consistent,
you're gonna start seeing a pattern
that they're really are consistent.
If they're inconsistent,
you're gonna start to see a pattern
that they're inconsistent.
It is really hard.
Consistency is not an easy thing to pull out.
It's just not.
Think about if you start a new workout routine.
When you ain't consistent, you just ain't consistent.
You can't make consistency up.
You either gonna do something and be working at it
or building upon it, and that's just how it is.
That's kind of how I see that.
Now, what does real chemistry feel like?
Because we know what fireworks feels like.
All this intensity, the nervous system, the dopamine hits.
But real chemistry tends to feel like calm curiosity.
It feels a little boring.
It feels like it's sitting still.
Just calm curiosity, a steady interest.
It's just steady and paced, relaxed presence.
Yeah, you're not feeling the need to show out who you are,
how wonderful you are.
You're just calm, pleasant.
And attraction that builds over time.
And a lot of times, culture has trained us
that we need attraction from the jump.
That's not true.
Attraction from the jump gets you having sex very soon.
I'm just telling you,
if you ever been on here and you had sex before,
attraction very early produces fireworks very quickly.
Very quickly.
I don't like attraction early on.
I am not that person.
And I'm just speaking for me, but I need things paced.
I would rather grow in attraction
because I have found out your character.
And we can go there because if you marry a person,
I don't care how good they look,
whoever they are is the person that you're married to.
Whatever bondage they bring into your life
is the bondage you're gonna live under.
And it ain't gonna be no, I don't care how he look.
I don't care how tall he is.
You ain't gonna care either.
By the time he get through dragging you
through all sorts of hell,
you ain't gonna wanna look at a man
that look like him no more.
I'm telling you.
And you don't wanna move so fast
that you get yourself in a predicament
that costs you your heart
and the time it's gonna take you
to pull yourself back together,
to get back at this thing again.
Because even after you do the hard work
to pull yourself back together,
then you gotta go back through the process
of somebody else saying something just like they said,
independent if you're gonna wall up
or if you're gonna believe again.
You gotta keep doing the same process over and over.
You have to show up vulnerable again.
And so all I'm saying is a lot of times
this instant attraction that we want,
it really does cost us because it will speed up the pace,
especially if they start talking
the way we want them to talk.
Women love talk.
It's like, tell me what I wanna hear
that sounds good to me.
It sounds real good to me.
All right, and so that's why you're so bothered
when they don't ask you anything about yourself.
Cause we, we like to communicate. That's who we are.
So attraction that builds over time.
I feel safest with that type of attraction. Um, it may feel less dramatic,
but it's more stable and it's real. And Jackie says,
it's all secure attachments, secure me and feel boring.
I know me, this is what I was saying. When I talk,
getting to know this guy and we got into a little spat and the inside of me was
like, Ooh, I like him. And I said, no, no, you little toxic monster.
You come out of there.
I know I'm aware like that. I'm attracted to this. Yeah.
Yeah. Let's just duke it out. And we like to argue with me.
I grew up under that toxicity and because I'm healthy and whole,
I can hear it when it talks to me and I can feel it when it responds.
And I know when, um, I can tell when I,
when I have these intense feelings, when I'm getting to know a person,
I know that it's my nervous system and it's an alarm to me that this is not,
this is not safe for me. I will not go along with it.
Meeting a person for the first time and having very instant,
intense feelings is a red flag for you, for yourself.
You don't know them. It's not love.
It's not meant to be because they're in town.
I'll tell you how you measure it.
It's not God saying he's the one because that same intense,
instant intense feeling will have you hemmed up in the corner making out.
It's true.
So listen to your nervous system.
When all of these fireworks start going off on the inside of you,
think about it. We just, I just told you, usually when you're,
that's your nervous system.
And a lot of times it is meeting something that is familiar to it.
All right. Um,
real chemistry feels like balance. You want to avoid extremes.
You don't want to force chemistry and you don't want to dismiss, uh,
um,
you don't want to dismiss a connection that's taking its time to develop.
And it actually gives you room to breathe and it gives you space to think
space to think serves you best pacing serves you best.
I was talking to this guy and this is a real recent thing.
I was talking to this guy and he came in really hot.
What are your goals? What did this, this, this, he's just whatever. He's,
he's a minister and oh, that's great. I knew some people that he knew.
I know all this, he was ordained and was like all this.
And so my mind just wasn't in the right place. It just wasn't on,
on garden. So what I told you, how you judge a person consistent. And I saw,
I was like, okay, he's on it.
But then I started noticing over the week he didn't really do what he say he
don't do.
He say it and it took me almost like two weeks to catch up with it
because I had already made some decisions in my mind about him based on the
community that he runs with based on this, based on all of these things.
You can, so sometimes when you date in community,
you will give that person more credit based on the people they know and the
people you know.
And you'll say,
I know they're good people because they're connected to so-and-so you don't
know that they vouch for them. I had a really good friend and I'm gonna,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna wrap it up here without family.
I had a really good friend and um, anyway,
she, she, she was in the program and um, she, um, anyway,
she met this guy and the, her community knew him,
this state community knew him. She calls me and she's like, Hey,
this is who I met. I believe this is the one I believe got this. And I said,
Hey, no. She's like, huh? I said, no. I said, I don't agree with that.
I don't believe with that. I don't agree with that method. I said,
they may know him, but they, they don't know him.
They don't know what he does in his bedroom at night.
They don't know who he talks on the phone to.
They don't know anything about this man. They may know what he shows them,
but they don't know him. But I said, most importantly,
they don't know him enough for you to trust him according to their word about
him. For you to relink with your heart interest to him,
take their words and hold them,
but not say you come get a seat at my table because so-and-so vouched for you.
You get a ear from me. You get my attention.
you get dinner with me, but you don't get a seat at the table
in some of these intimate spaces of my heart
based on what someone said about you.
And it turned into a really big, big, big, big mess.
It did not turn out well.
And it was a mess.
It was very hard.
He was still married.
And I'm like, we don't do still married.
Don't do that.
I said, I've been married before.
I know married people.
Married people, they're still married.
They can decide at any point to go back to their spouse.
Because anybody who's ever been married
wants their marriage most of the time.
And if a person can say, let's work this out,
especially if they have children,
you are going to work it out unless you
have to fight for your life to get out of it.
That's marriage.
Yes, that is called adultery.
I don't care if you ain't the papers ain't signed.
Well, they in the process.
They ain't signed.
Don't do it.
I know married people.
I've been one.
They will turn around and tear them papers up.
And we going to make this work, baby.
It's just the nature of the game.
And it wasn't about just like I said, but it was what.
It happened just like that.
I said, nobody wants to give up their small children
in divorce.
Nobody wants to do that.
But anyway, so I am saying that this thing about it's
nothing wrong.
We want to date in community.
That's not what I'm saying.
It's a wonderful thing.
But before someone gets a seat at the table of your heart,
let them show you who they are.
Go through the same process.
Have the same boundaries.
Put yourself on the boundaries.
Boundaries are for you first.
They serve you best.
All right, so how does this all work together?
This is what I posted for you in the early stage.
There's some attraction.
And there's a no clear no.
So just stay open.
If you're in the early stage, there's some attraction there.
But it's a no clear no.
You still have a yes.
Keep going.
And then when you get to the dating stage,
you're observing their consistency.
And that also your body responds to them over time.
Your nervous system tells you a lot, ladies.
It talks to you.
It knows when you're safe.
Sometimes it'll respond to old programming.
This is true.
But it can tell you a lot.
And what it does, don't tell you about that person.
It tells you about you.
So then you have the responsibility
to ask me, hey, what's happening right now?
What are you thinking?
What are you feeling?
What are you believing?
OK?
And then ongoing, my clarity is built from patterns, not
moments.
You want to build your clarity of an individual
from their patterns.
What they do over time, T-I-M-E, time, over time.
And sometimes this stuff will sneak up on you.
I'm telling you.
You got to watch it.
That did just snuck up on me not too long ago.
I said, what was I thinking?
I wasn't.
I was tired.
I'm a schoolteacher.
Woo!
I had to send that text.
We on a line.
Whoa, brother.
It's OK.
I know you look inconsistent.
I asked you to fix it.
You didn't did it.
Got to go.
OK, now.
It's OK.
That's just who you are.
This is just who I am.
Right?
And then the chemistry awareness.
I'm not confusing fireworks with compatibility.
And this thing, this confusing fireworks with compatibility,
if you sit still long enough, you
can't tell the difference between fireworks
and compatibility.
I heard this person say this.
They said, when I go out with this person,
we have so much fun.
But I'm thinking, is it just because I'm a fun person?
This is telling compatibility.
This is how you tell the difference.
It's very clear.
You just have to sit and think about it.
So I'm a fun, funny, outgoing person.
But sometimes, I can tell when I'm bringing the show.
Now, sometimes, I can pretty much always tell
when I am the promoter of the show.
Even with my friends, I got some friends who are introverted.
If I don't bring the show, we going to be sitting there bored.
I know it's me.
And so sometimes, they want to hang out.
I said, too much work.
I can't.
I'm tired.
I'm just tired.
I know how much work I got to do to have fun with them.
I got to bring it.
I have a really good friend.
We were best friends in college.
And he'll call me.
I won't answer the phone.
He boring.
That's why I told him to call his women, leave them.
He can't keep a woman.
He's so boring.
And I have to do all the work in the comfort.
For Satan, I told him, Ty, I cannot pull the weight.
I love him, bless his little heart.
All the women leave me.
He fine.
But they don't want him.
He don't want to go out to dinner, y'all.
This boy don't want to do nothing but sit at the house.
And I was like, you're boring.
No woman wants this boring life.
And when she first gets with you, you fine.
So she thinks she got herself something.
So she find out you don't want to do them,
and go outdoors and play with them dogs all day.
Get on the phone.
Don't have nothing to say, nothing.
He go, bud, listen, I need your advice about something.
This is what happened.
After that, he shut up.
And I got to told him the rest of the way.
I can't do this.
OK, so anyway.
So you're not confusing fireworks with compatibility,
and you're not ignoring the steady attraction either.
So there's a steady, slow attraction.
Don't ignore it.
And you don't have to hope for something faster.
Sometimes you'll say this to yourself.
Well, I need to see.
I need to see where this is going to go.
I just need to know.
I need to know what they're thinking, what they're this,
what they're that.
There is a time and a place for that.
So you can surely, in week three,
if you can't tell if they're marriage minded, you can ask.
Hey, you can say, I date with intentionality,
and I am marriage minded.
I'm not desiring to marry you because I don't know you.
But I do want to know.
I wanted you to know my mindset, and I would really
enjoy hearing your perspective.
And if they say they're not marriage minded,
please don't get insulted.
And don't say stuff like, why are you wasting my time?
He talking to you because he like you.
He think you're cute.
Let the people tell you y'all pretty ladies.
Man's supposed to tell you you're beautiful.
Let the people tell you what they see.
Let the men shower you with compliments.
You are worthy of compliments.
And give some back.
So if I'm on a dating app, and a man says to me, hey,
beautiful, I say, you know what?
You look really nice in that picture with that orange shirt,
if I must say so myself.
They get so excited.
But I do try to give a compliment back.
Sometimes it's hard.
I am not a looker person.
As long as I'm the prettiest one in the relationship,
it really doesn't matter.
And as long as they don't look like a crocodile,
we are all good.
I'm not.
You just have to dress nice.
You got to look good, like you got to dress nice.
But I am not a big looks person.
So everybody's not like me.
So they could just be decent.
Just be decent.
Be somebody I can take home to my mom and dad.
That's all.
Anyway, OK.
That was fun.
So final takeaway is a yes until it's a no.
And we do not let us have funny emojis.
And you don't want to force certainty.
You want to start recognizing certainty.
It is very easy to force certainty.
And I have been a person, I want certainty.
Certainty makes us feel safe.
And sometimes you'll find yourself
doing that very early on because you want it.
You're like, I don't want to invest too much.
I don't want to give my heart.
Like, I just need to know.
I just need to know where this is going.
I am telling you, even if a person tells you on week two
that they're marriage minded and they're intentional,
that still doesn't tell you where you're going.
Even if they say they want to see,
they want to invest and see how things go.
In two months, you can find out that that's
not the person for you.
I've done it so many times.
Don't force certainty.
Go with the flow.
And it's challenging.
For me, it has been challenging.
I can't speak for everyone.
But you're on a faith journey.
You're believing God for a spouse.
That alone makes this a little bit more complicated
or a little bit more challenging not to want that certainty.
And so if you're craving certainty too much,
be mindful of how much emotional energy you're putting into it.
Because sometimes they will push you to desire more certainty
because of how much you're giving up
or how much of you you're releasing.
Now, some people don't like to talk to more than one person.
But if you find that you have trouble with it,
it's a really good possibility.
Maybe you should try talking to somebody else.
Maybe you should try filling your schedule a little bit
more.
Make yourself busy.
Make your mind busy.
Even if you don't talk to another guy, do something.
Get a new hobby.
These things really help you take your mind
and put it somewhere else.
Do what you have to do to keep you balanced.
Because you want certainty so you could just release it.
Lisa be like, good, finally made it.
Now let's just be ourself.
And so what I was thinking was, no, no.
Be yourself, but don't give yourself away
until one who has not proved themselves worthy
to steward you, to care for you, or to choose you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't give ourselves away
to those who cannot steward us well.
It is not worth it.
Yep, great.
So, okay, we'll stop there.
It is 48, okay.
We gonna make it quicker than everybody.
Consider everybody because at 8.30 we gonna stop
cause we got a field trip tomorrow at work
and I gotta come with my A-game.
I don't know who went first.
I didn't write it down.
I do know somewhere.
Go ahead, Rosanna, it's you.
Whoever was first, go for it.
I'm sure you know who you are.
They said Karen.
Is it Karen?
Yep, Karen, it's you.
Hey, Karen.
You won't go on a field trip
till you get in that bus with all them third graders.
You gonna change your mind, Lovetta.
Hey, Karen.
Hey, hey, I'm assuming it's me, Karen.
I know Karen Walsh is on here too.
Oh, it's two Karens.
Oh no, Karen Walsh was last though.
Right, yes.
Okay.
I do know it.
I mean, when you have many Karens.
Okay, I have a proud moment and a question.
Okay, go for it.
The guy that I'm gonna get together with on Thursday
messaged this morning saying,
let me know if you have ideas of what we can do on Thursday.
Yes.
So I took a minute and went, what would be feminine?
What would Ebony say?
Yeah, I responded to you.
Oh, it didn't show up yet.
I didn't think I made it back to you on time.
I already responded to him.
Okay.
I found a friend who has done this too.
Okay.
Similar mindset.
So we'll see if they're similar.
And so I did respond with,
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better
and our time together.
It would mean a lot to me
if you would set the time and location
and I'm sure you'll make a great choice.
That was great.
It took a lot of courage
and I sent it and I was proud.
And then like an hour later I was like,
oh my goodness, this could go so bad.
Like all the fear, all the like scarcity mindset.
What if I'm being too much of a,
like, am I being too much?
Am I making it more complicated than it needs to be?
Why couldn't I just be lighthearted
and say, why don't we do ice cream?
Because I don't want to be planning the rest of my life.
Come on.
I want you to plan.
This is the second date.
That's right.
You did right.
There's that vulnerability hangover,
like, golly, what did I do?
Does that get easier?
So that's my question is like,
okay, I'm adhering to the wisdom.
And then when the question comes of like,
oh, I'm being too much.
Well, I'm going to tell you what I think,
what language,
I think it's the language you use
that made you feel that way.
When you said it would mean a lot to me,
it sounded like he was doing you a favor.
Yeah, I don't like that.
That was my friend's language.
I couldn't figure out how to flip it.
I know.
And so the language that I gave you,
you still did really well.
I don't want to,
but I'm trying to help you identify
why that backfired in a way.
Yeah.
Like I didn't, it didn't sit well with me.
Yeah.
So your language was,
actually the language,
the way you described what you wanted
was your best language.
When you said, I value men who plan.
Your language was the language to use.
So, hey, I go ahead, pick the place,
give me the date and time.
I have a high value for men who do the planning.
Let me just send me the information.
I know you'll make a great choice.
So it wasn't,
you didn't say anything wrong.
There was nothing wrong with you saying,
I would really like,
or whatever you said.
But I think that piece of language
comes from a place of do this for me.
Do it for me.
And it's also when he does it,
you can also turn around
and feel like he did something for you.
But that's not,
that's not it.
You value men who make plans.
That's just it.
Yeah.
And so you're sharing what you value.
And then when he honors from that language,
what you value,
then you have something to track about him.
Yeah.
I like that so much better
because that keeps the,
we're not connected yet.
Like what I value
versus it felt like more like a demand of.
Oh, it wasn't a demand.
It sounded more like a favorite.
It's not a demand.
A demand says, don't ask me what to do.
You figure it out.
A demand, you know, so I just, I think that you did good.
I'm so glad you said it.
But I'm just telling you what the language that
may make you feel the way that you're feeling.
But it was perfectly fine.
You did a good job.
You didn't fold.
You didn't just do it because you were afraid of rejection
or you were afraid of what he would say back.
No.
And he was probably asking you because he
didn't want to make a mistake.
He don't want to get it wrong.
He's probably had women ream him a new one for making plans.
Who knows?
But this is Karen.
And this is what Karen values.
And so it was good to start off on a good foot.
And you made clear what you wanted to happen.
So he couldn't come back and say something else.
It was clear.
Now, let me know the time and place.
That's all I need from you.
Yeah.
Which we don't have yet, so you know.
I think you did an excellent job.
And I want you to continue doing that.
Everyone, please hear that.
Show up as you.
Find the language.
If you don't know the language, take what you want to say
and put it in chat GPT.
Tell GPT what you want your outcome to be.
And let them give you language.
I forgot about that tool.
It's a good one.
Let chat GPT give you language.
You can't get to somebody.
Even take what your friends say.
Put it in there.
He's not quite hitting it.
Put it in there and let it give you the language you need.
It's very helpful.
Because sometimes we just don't have the language.
We know what we want, but we don't have the language for it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Way to go.
Thanks.
Just be prepared to go anywhere he picks and do not complain.
Don't have to sign up for tennis?
It don't matter.
Just look happy.
And when you get there, say, men really like appreciation.
This is their language.
Look, this is great.
I don't think I could have did better than this myself.
Wow.
Oh, did you see they had this on the menu?
Wow.
You think he won't be playing the 15 more days, baby.
He going to have that calendar booked.
Yep.
Love it.
You're going to be eating out the palm of your hand, Karen.
Well, you know.
Well, right now, he's my only connection currently.
So I'm working on a like, OK, fill your time with hobbies.
It helps.
It really helps the mind so much.
Yeah, I got a garden to plant.
Oh, good.
Good.
Do it, Karen.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Whoever's next, just go for it.
I believe it's me.
Hey, Luann, I miss you.
Hello.
Me too.
It's been a good minute.
Thank you.
I said it's been a good minute.
So today, I wanted to share certain feelings
about yesterday's spotlight.
So I came to a realization that I might not
be wanting the men that would be actually suitable for me.
Because she described Matthew, who was the guy,
exactly as what I think I want, right?
I'm sorry.
She's a puppy, and she's a handful, and she barks.
That's why I'm trying to hold her.
And then he's like, well, at my church, no women are leaders.
And I want a woman to stay in the house.
And I'm this person who, I've been working since I'm 13.
I've always been responsible for my own bills, and my own life,
and my own choices.
And now I have my own business.
So it's just getting me, like my mind
is going at 100 million miles per hour right now.
Because I'm like, OK, what do I want then?
What's the kind of man that's still loyal, and good,
and masculine, and marriage-minded,
and all the good stuff?
But would want a woman like me, you know?
So let me re-pitch.
No, just to give you an update, no news on dating or anything.
I'm still at the very center.
Same stage nobody with you on the were you in the hot seat?
It's called spotlight yesterday
Jackie no, no, no Jackie introduced someone from the group. Okay
It was a guy called Matthew
Okay, I didn't know if you were a spotlight if you were in the seat in these guys sometimes in phase three
They do where the woman is there and the man choose between the three women and I don't know
The oh, that's so cool. Okay. No, I'm not in phase three yet. No, I
Am an extrovert. I don't care
No from there you're saying you wonder to yourself like
Yes
I've been having this in my mind. I even moved to
Oklahoma Tulsa like thinking well in Miami, there's no like these cowboy like man
you know Christian and stuff and
then when he was talking I'm like
Huh?
That's not me at all
So I find right now I'm needing help to reroute I'm like
yeah, I
Think that I want to share this with all of you and I think that
Everybody is so different
Every woman on here wants something different
Everybody's lifestyle is set up differently and you're just a different person and that man wants something different that other man won't I
Know so many men who don't believe it's possible for them not to have a two-income household
There are some men who are past their child
Rearing stages, they don't need that type of lifestyle
Right, and so I want you to know Matthew is just one person. He's just one man. He know I
Understand that and I'm not saying he's the only man in the world. I'm just saying that it was
interesting for him to have every single characteristic of what I
Thought I wanted and I've been asking God for all this time for four years now
But then seeing that I'm not the other side of it, you know, like I'm not the mirror to that
Yeah, so I was gonna continue I'm gonna just pick up right there
so
And thank you for bringing that clarity
Sometimes what we believe we want when it's in front of us like I really don't want it
But this is what I really want to get to
Sometimes the things that we desire or we want requires a different version of us and when we are marriage-minded
We have to come into agreement with being a different version of who we are as a single woman
And it's not because that's what this man wants. But the version of yourself that you truly do desire requires a change
and
So it is very important when you see something you said you want and then you put it against where you are
You may have to ask the question of yourself
What has to happen for me to become that version of that woman because I desire that
and
So just because you worked your whole life
Doesn't mean you have to keep working your whole life
Lana and just because you meet a man who says I want a woman to stay home
It doesn't mean when he meets you he can't understand that she runs a business. And so yeah
This is this was my desire, but I've met her and she's amazing and because I'm marriage minded
I'm willing to give and so in marriage is this beautiful thing about give a little take a little give a little
That is one of the true core foundations of being marriage minded
But it is very important for us to understand that when you get married
You're gonna have to be willing to be a different version of the person that you are now
Not a different version of your moral compass
Not a different version of all the wonderful things that make you who you are
But you are now becoming somebody's wife. You are becoming somebody's helper
You
Cannot stay single and be married the single-minded person is different from a marriage minded person
Even Paul said in the scripture that when you're married you care for the things the natural things first
Your cares change and we have to I want you guys to think to yourself. Am I willing to be a different version?
Just like in this program when you showed up in the hard work
You had to be a different version of the person that you would normally be because you would normally be sitting up here talking about
All of your business putting your heart out for the world to see
If you did not shift you wouldn't have got any breakthrough
It was impossible and then when you get to dating and we said well you got to do ABCD you like, okay
You know, I'll try it. Whatever if you never try it, you'll never be you got to be willing to become a different version of yourself
In marriage is one of those things that really require a different version of yourself
And how do I know this if you don't ladies you don't know me
I've been married before and I haven't been in married as long as miss bunny. Well, she were married for is it 37 years miss bunny?
41 51
She she how you want to cut her cut cut my gonna let her coaches how long is bunny
Oh
Yeah, well you be you become two as one
Yeah, and and when my husband passed I think that and that was 10 years ago when he passed
I think that was the hardest
part
was
Who am I?
That is how I felt
Because everything we
Thought was, you know, we work together for things and it was a blend
You become a blend of the two of you
And so your thoughts and your beliefs not not about the voice so much that but your beliefs about life
And your home and all of that is
merged
So you do become different together
Yeah, yeah, I agree with you
Thank you for sharing. Yeah, I think miss I was married for
Yeah, so it actually took me a good while to
Leave the marriage mind
And and go back to whatever who am I and what do I want and all that stuff?
So maybe that's why it took me four years to be here
It's a while. No, it took me a while. Yeah, and so yeah, and I apologize for my puppy
I I can't hear your puppy. So what?
I don't so with that awareness. I said that to you to say I
Still believe that the woman that you described or that he described that that woman lives in the inside of you. I
Don't believe that there's confusion. I don't believe that you can't be that version
I just believe that right now you have to be who you are because if it doesn't get done who's gonna do it
you're gonna do it so it's
Sometimes we try to have grace for where we're not
You don't have grace for that
You're not there right now. You got to make this business work right now. You got to do ABCD
So I said all that for the encouragement of you will be you will have to become a different version
But it doesn't mean that that version is not in you and it doesn't mean you need to go back and redefine some things
Maybe refine something, but you don't have to redefine anything
And I think it's time for your soft gear era and you've been taking care of yourself this long
You need that masculinity to help soften you
Well, I wanted it's just not happening. I
Have signed up well, you know all the
Stuff and I've moved to a new city I go everywhere
Every event everything and it just didn't happen
It's not I am I am a little bit more encouraged now or a lot
Because a month ago I started a new lifestyle. So I started with medication with
personal training with
Nutritionist, yeah so far. I lost 10 pounds
Yeah
But it's it's hard
because I
I gained
28 pounds in a year. I
I'm not myself
So to give myself grace when 10 pounds means nothing
to the amount of
Weight I need to lose is really hard. Yeah
Yeah
Well you way to go. I
Rather you lose 10 pounds and gain 10 pounds and I know you agree with me on it. Oh, yeah
That's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm like, well at least I lost 10 pounds
Come on, the only way you're gonna get the 28 hours if you first gotta get the 10
Yeah. Yeah. I have a way to go but
I'm happy for you
Just good
Thank you.
Yeah, it's bringing your...
And I think I've...
It's restoring your...
Yeah.
It's restoring your resilience.
And I'm missing...
Yeah, because for all this time, I haven't heard ever that I'm beautiful or any of that
because maybe I don't feel it, so it just doesn't happen, right?
Yeah, because you are beautiful.
Oh my goodness, don't make me cry.
Thank you.
You really are beautiful.
But, you know, nobody's going to be able to convince you of that.
That's an inside job.
I don't have many men tell you you're beautiful.
That's an inside job, but you are beautiful.
I've always told you you're beautiful.
Oh, you're so sweet.
So you're like, nobody like you on the apps.
I'm like, I'm about these people will be dinging her down.
Well, I don't know.
It's...
I think maybe it's about energy.
And I do see that the heart work is taking a longer time to sink in.
So I'm seeing a lot of revelations come up and a lot of things happening.
And I got to this point where I made these decisions to like, no, I got to go back to a place where I feel comfortable.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
Way to go.
Thank you.
Come on, my 10 pounds.
The Lord in my neighborhood.
Somebody tell me they doing good.
I'm like, it's on the way.
It's on the way.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Let's...
I'll have to keep a positive mind for sure.
Yeah.
Well, so good.
Way to go.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Whoever was next.
Go for it, Rosanna.
Hi, ladies.
Noana, you are beautiful.
Hermosa.
Gorgeous.
Beautiful.
Bella.
You are.
Oh, my God.
You ladies, thank you.
You are.
Yes.
You are.
I'm just...
About the spotlight really fast.
I was excited because it encouraged me to believe that they're actually very good men.
And when I popped...
When I thought, I was like, oh, it's you.
Like, I was taken aback for a minute.
And it encouraged me.
And I was like, dang it, I don't live in Texas.
I was like...
I wrote down in the statement, I'm like, Lord, clone him and bring him up north.
You know what I mean?
He's got like eight friends.
He said he has eight men.
He mentors other men.
He's like, Jackie, I'm going to tell them to go.
And they're like-minded like me.
Blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, yes, Lord, please.
Because maybe one of them wants to move up here.
You know what I mean?
Like, maybe somebody wants to relocate.
I have to have this mentality.
Who is this man?
How old was he?
48 years old.
Has a gym in his garage.
Has three young girls.
Yeah.
Is he white?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
What part of...
Is he white?
White or just like...
He's in Austin.
He's a cowboy white.
He like...
Oh, nice.
Any ethnicity, hair color, blah, blah.
He was all for it.
Yeah.
I was like, I thought it was okay.
And white people, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm not trying to call y'all white people.
I'm trying to get like, you see, like...
I did not...
Like, it wasn't like that.
Please, please don't send an email on me.
It's not like that.
It's kind of like...
I'm an attorney.
I'll defend you.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
I need to exchange people.
I'm an attorney.
I need to exchange people.
I'm an attorney.
I don't even know what to say right now.
What do you mean?
There are people that are white, white...
They're so white.
You know they only want a white woman.
And then there's like, oh, he's a cowboy.
He's a man's man, right?
Yes, yes.
Corporate white type guy?
Cowboy white.
Vajado.
White Vajado.
Hey, I'm about to talk, so I need to...
No, not right now.
What's wrong?
One second.
I'm on right now.
It's my 15-year-old.
Can somebody else go?
I guess I'll get on in a minute.
Okay.
Sorry.
Okay.
I think I'm next.
You like corporate white Shelly?
Well, take him and take your cowboy hat off.
Send your email me if you like him.
Aren't you in Texas, Shelly?
Go ahead, Joanne.
I think you're next.
Oh, I don't know, Shelly.
I thought you were in Texas.
Okay.
I thought you were in Texas.
Okay.
Go on, Joanne.
Good news.
I had a really good date with the guy on Sunday.
He drove out, and it was really good.
Joanne, turn your volume up.
Oh.
Oh, can you hear me?
I can hear you.
I just want to hear you louder.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I was just wanting to give a quick update and then ask a question.
So, I had a good time with the guy that I went on a date with on Sunday.
I'm just going to put this down.
Okay.
I'm just going to put this down.
No worries.
I'm going to put this down.
And it was sweet.
He actually asked me right away.
He's like, you want to meet up again?
Right away?
I didn't even have to ask, you know, wait or anything.
He wanted to meet up.
So, I haven't heard from him, though, but I'm just going to trust that he's going to get
back to me, so.
I don't know.
and set something up.
I don't know.
Joey, who is this guy?
Well, he's someone that...
Well, it's someone that I met online and then...
Oh, okay.
Well, you said it, when you talked about him,
you talked as if I knew who you were talking about.
So I'm like, who is this person?
Well, no, I didn't really say much.
I just said, I'm going on a date with this guy on Sunday
and I'm really looking forward to it.
Okay, so you met him online.
Yeah, went on your date.
Yeah, I went on the date and it was really good.
And yeah, and he said, told me afterwards,
can we set something up?
I said, sure.
But I think our schedules weren't lining up immediately.
We're both cold.
So he's like, I'll call you or text you.
And I'm like, sounds good.
And I sent, you'd be proud of me.
I did not ask him certain questions.
It just came up naturally.
So praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
I would just say this,
if certain questions come up naturally,
you have to release them naturally.
You have to say, yeah,
it's a better time for this question.
And now it's not it.
What do you mean?
I mean, even though a question comes up
and you didn't ask it,
there's still a place to put that question.
And it doesn't mean that it's owed an answer.
Oh, what do you mean?
Like, I didn't even ask him anything.
He just brought it up.
And then he asked me.
I understand that he asked you, Joanne,
but I am telling you,
because I'm kind of, you know,
been kind of walking with you for a while.
Yes.
That even ladies,
when someone else brings up the question,
you have to be willing to say, that's a great question,
but I would like to spend a little more time
getting to know you before we discuss that.
Oh, gotcha.
Okay.
Because, and let me just add a little commentary to that.
Questions that you answer that are asked,
you feel like it gives you data.
It tells you something about that person,
but prematurely is telling you
what you don't need to know right now,
because you will attach yourself to their response
and it'll be running in the background
because you know things prematurely.
So it can be like, I don't know.
You can pick a question.
You may think they're just sharing with you.
They may say, so, you know,
what happened to reason why this happened in your life?
And somehow it may lead to why they got a divorce.
I'm just picking something.
And they start sharing with you
what their marriage was like.
And then you think to yourself why they're sharing.
Oh, wow.
He really does have a good heart.
I mean, wow.
That was really honorable.
Uh-huh.
When that comes up,
a lot of times that comment doesn't just stay right there.
You trust them a little bit more
because you know a little bit more about them,
but that is a premature knowing.
That shouldn't be something that you know
in the first two weeks
because you don't want to prematurely
before you've watched a person pattern
attach any part of your trust to the situation.
You want to stay as separate as possible.
And so too much information,
no matter who introduces it,
has to be, you have to be vigilant
about keeping it at a distance.
It can be costly.
I can speak for myself, but this is the truth.
And that's how we can get to the end of the week
or end of two weeks and feel really heartbroken.
And sometimes we need to look at the information
that we're exchanging.
But go ahead, Jalyn.
Okay, well, that's it for him.
I'm just waiting for him to reach out
to set up something.
And I'm trying to just lay back and not do anything,
just trust the process.
The question I have is,
so I started talking to this other gentleman
and I really love texting him.
And it's great.
And I brought it up to Rene,
but I think I might talk to him later tonight.
And I'm kind of figuring out how I should phrase this
because on the phone, I feel really drained talking to him.
Like he just, he'll ask me questions
and I'll answer them in bite-sized form.
I don't go off and off, you know,
that's just not who I am,
especially when I'm getting to know someone.
But he'll just take over the conversation
and like share a lot about himself.
And I'm like, I can't even get a word in, you know?
But like, there's some really great qualities about him.
I didn't want to just disqualify him because,
you know, two conversations, he's just kind of
talking a lot where I'm really drained afterwards,
just to be honest, right?
But I don't feel that way over text.
And he's very, he is a,
Very initiative and he's very communicative almost like a lot like text is a lot, but I try to pace myself and
So yeah, I'm just kind of like I even asked chat GP. How do I say this and Renee was saying?
Oh, you should just like
Hey, how about we do this fun game? Like it just doesn't sound like me
To be like I asked you something. Yes, you know and you answer and come up with five questions
Um, because this would be my third conversation with him, right?
and
Actually, we were talking about going to see the movies tonight
But I got injured rock climbing and I'm actually incredibly exhausted. My body is recovering
so I told him I I think I need a rest tonight and
Plus I was like, I think it would be good to just go on a coffee
First meeting, you know, it's kind of it's kind of probably better
But in a way I almost wanted to go on a movie because I'm like so tired and then he can't talk to me that
much
But then I also know myself when I'm physically like feeling vulnerable
It's not good for me because if they try to make a move
I don't know
I might not do well because I would want to be held in touch because I'm I just I know myself so
Um, so he has been trying to like talk to me and like get a date going and stuff
I'm the one who's more like I'm I'm busy or I'm tired or I have this going on
so how do I my question is I
Mean, how do I talk to him and tell him I wanted to have more balance
Like I was thinking oh, I really love our text conversations
Can we make sure they're more like?
Back and forth like it's hard for me to process a lot of information all at once while I'm getting to know you
Does that sound okay, or how do I that sounds fun? I think I really encourage showing up as yourself
To what and whatever you showing up as yourself and whatever you're gonna say say it and I'm not saying don't use tag
What you just said is really great, you know
Joey you're a really great communicator and you are not harsh
You are kind and you are honorable and I really want to remind you of it
And so what you're saying is hey, I need some balance. It's a bit overwhelming
You can say you are a you're a talker you're communicator
You can say that about him and say you naturally have more words than me right now
And I know the time is gonna come when I have more words than you
and so what I want to do is bring some balance because I want I
Value the things that you share with me and so I'm seeing now that I'm needed a little more time to process it
And so
No, when we're talking I want to just kind of bring a balance to it so that I could really
Enjoy this experience with you
Okay, so it sounds fine. I don't need to be afraid to
I just don't want to like
You don't want to shut him down, I don't want to shut him down make him feel bad and also I'm like, is he lonely?
Who don't is he lonely because he's kind of giving me this impression like he's been married for 20
He was married for 20 years
No, I don't know exactly what happened. She'd filed it and I think he's been really burned. I don't really don't know his story
But
You can also
Give you can give it some more time and see if it mellows out itself, too
It may mellow out after he kind of gets some of this out of his system
He may be backed up like you can see if it mellows out another thing
I want to say you talked about texting and I noticed this and I said that I was gonna share it with you all
I was talking to this guy and when I talk with him on the phone, it's totally different than when we text
There's something about texting that a person can be whatever you
Want them to be?
They can sound however you want them to sound and so when I was texting him, I was more attracted to him
Yeah, we have very good conversations a highly intelligent me
But I was much more attracted to him when I was texting him and that's why I'm attributing
Sometimes ladies can start texting a man and you like have you talked to him yet?
No, we've been texting for three weeks and you're completely happy with it because that man is anybody you want him to be his voice sounds
Anyway, you want it to sound?
His words are as sweet as you want them to be
But when you hear his voice and he talked you can't think oh, I ain't say it that way this boring
talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk about
Like literally like whatever it is and I noticed and I was like, oh wow. I'm a shit is with the ladies
Cuz and my face
time with this guy so I'm not just I face I like FaceTime so I'm FaceTime and having these
conversations all all the time I really like FaceTime I want a video but that's a real thing
and that may be what you're experiencing because on text he can be anyone you want to be he can
sound any way you want him to sound and then when you get on the phone the reality of who he is is
right there in your ear and yeah no what happened was it was like I got on the phone and I it was
I was really excited and it was great and then I saw his face I mean he's not a badly he's actually
very attractive guy but I was like dude this guy got so much freaking facial hair and he asked me
he asked me he was like so what do you think and I was like oh shoot what do I say and I said oh
I think I think I'm just getting to know you yeah it's good to meet you but I was like I'm really
curious how you look without the beard I actually think he's a very handsome guy but it's so much
facial hair that I I think it changed my tone and I was like I wasn't as excited also he just kept
talking talking about so then just was like uh I don't know about this you know what I mean no no
I do not like when a guy asks me back how you look at least I won't tell him if a person don't
say how you look don't say nothing don't say nothing a guy did that to me recently he's like
you're beautiful thanks well you didn't say anything about how I look you don't want me to
say nothing about how you I said wow I said yeah I said really I'm I'm excited to meet you in person
I prefer to get you don't want to say it I was like your skin is nice
I mean I don't know what to say and then um
you have quack on your teeth like this is an issue here sir
leave me alone I panicked
I was like oh man maybe this guy doesn't think I'm trying to you know and then I don't know when
they send me a picture do they want me to comment on their looks I didn't you know I'm just like oh
cool you know I just hearted the message and stuff I mean I do think he's handsome don't get me wrong
I feel like in person I've seen his pictures like he's here but he didn't have that much facial hair
you know and so but I think that even if he was like very good chemistry I I would I'm not a
person I'm not I'm like you too I'm not a I don't focus so much on books it does matter to a point
but it doesn't matter that much and so um that's kind of and to what point what I'm like dude this
guy's still like over dominating the conversation I'm drained I'm drained go but go to the coffee
date with him you can set the pace and when you talk on the phone to him you can intentionally
be busy you can be washing dishes and say I'm really tired up right now I'll get a chance to
talk with you like hey I'm taking some time out just to process and when you talk to him in person
then he can look at your facial expression and see you when you say you know it's so interesting at
this point in life because you have so many more words than I do right now and usually I'm the one
with all the words and so what I want us to do is just kind of pace ourself in our conversations
because I really want to take all of this in it is so wonderful getting to know you um but I'm
kind of on process overload right now do you think I should say that um in person with you
not on the phone let him see your pretty little face when you say it and he gonna be like yeah
yeah yeah whatever you say okay so don't even say it over FaceTime or you can if you want but
you said y'all are going on a date soon right well it's because I'm exhausted from indoor rock
climbing I didn't want to show up when I'm exhausted I know it doesn't do me well so when
are y'all going we haven't planned it uh I could say I mean I'm free tomorrow it's more up to my
body because I've been oh well whenever you're ready go for your coffee date experience him in
person and let him just show up as himself that way he won't be nervous am I talking to him
enough man I'm not talking enough that's my man just let him run his course okay so maybe I should
just say hey why don't we just set something up tomorrow and not talk to him over the phone
well I can do that quickly over the phone and just tell him in person like we can set something up
over the phone tonight and be like he knows I'm tired that's why I didn't go movie with him so
maybe I could just do a quick phone and then like oh I gotta go now I need a rest and then just see
him in person there you go yeah okay okay all right thanks for sharing let us know how it goes
Okay, go for Rosanna
Hi, I'm so sorry forgive my attitude all like three of my five have been interrupting me today. I've had a really rough day
Yeah, just with attitude and tomorrow's the two-year anniversary of my husband's passing
So I've just it's been a lot. There's a lot going on
But I a really quick question. Um, I
Had so the one guy was supposed to go out with on on last Friday. I ended up going dancing
I think I told you all that he had a
Reschedule because he had to go to a funeral and he wasn't gonna be back in time, but we never rescheduled
However, he commented it was a busy weekend for both of us. I wasn't on face on
Social media a lot and he um, he saw my story
He's like wow, you looked really I saw your real your you look great great in those heels and in that dress
You're you're beautiful. So his comments of how I look are
Happening way more. This is like I said this started last week with his comments of like my his attraction
He's definitely to me which is cool. However, like
He has not rescheduled anything and I think and I mentioned something of how he's like
I bet you get those compliments a lot of like a beauty or whatever and I was like in person
Actually, I don't like people don't men don't approach me and tell me that so yeah behind a screen. That's fine
You can all the men say to all of us on the on the on the apps, right?
So that's that doesn't really mean a lot to me to be quite honest. It's nice to hear though. I will say that
However, I was like, I'm very old-school. I would love it if a man would approach me blah blah blah and then he
He's like, well, I would I was like, I don't know if men are intimidated or just nervous or women have made themselves
Like do the comments he said like how dare you call me beautiful or how like they don't know what to come off as like
You're gonna be a creep if you come up or are we I love I would love it
I think I did that but then he was just like he's like for myself
I would probably he's like with a woman as beautiful as you I would be intimidated. He's like and I'm not necessarily scared
He's like more of the rejection of you being like no, I was like, okay, so
He already like kind of asked me out ish or whatever
But I still I think that was his way is still saying that he's kind of nervous if he were to ask me out again
So, I mean I would like and I think I like what you're saying. We've been we've done voice memos on Facebook and
and
We've text we've done messenger
So, I don't know if I don't mind initiating being like hey
Do you think we can actually talk on the phone or like?
When do you think we can reschedule before this high school reunion if you decide to go
If you want to see me before then like should I do that?
Like I'm not sure what to do and then I'm still talking to other guys who are like somebody was like, what's your what's your?
Schedule like so we can meet for coffee
But this week is very busy for me
Just because of Mother's Day and my son's baseball games like this this other dude asked me for coffee doesn't know I have five children
Yet, you know what? I mean? So that's another thing. He's 31 too. He's the youngest one. He's just like oh my so
whatever I
Just want some suggestions of stuff of what do you
We've talked for like a month this guy like voice memos and messenger, okay
This is the language I would prefer for you to use. I will say we've been talking voice memos and chatting
I just want you to know that I am interested in
Going out on dates or yeah, I've been on the phone if there's something you would like but past this
Past this point the ball is in your court
Okay
Yeah, okay
Cuz even in the thing I said I was like
I really love it when men initiate and when men lead
to do stuff and then he vocalized of how he would be in a relationship if he were and he was like
He was like if cuz he's a cuddler. He's very affectionate
So we were talking about some stuff love languages
And I he was like just you know, just so you know if that were me and you you know
Whatever like that would be the treatment you would be getting so I'm like, okay, I will you'd be affectionate with me
I got it like not in an appropriate way necessarily
so like if he's
What was I trying to say with that?
There was a point what you were like, I kind of already said like hey
I like it when men take a lead or when they initiate but I don't know if he's still
Timid so just say what you said. I do I want to talk to him on the phone or I don't know
I don't know. I can't figure out what's in his mind
I would I don't either but I'm just reminding myself not to do that
And so I would say just what I said, if you want to okay, you leave it at that
Don't say anything else if he doesn't step up, you know at that point is because he's choosing not to I don't care
He says he's not cheese. You've actually told him you like him initiate
He still hasn't done it, but he wants to tell you what it would be like if you were his woman. So
So, um, you can fantasize about that, but you can't actually follow through on what I shared
But right we'll do we'll notice that and then you'll make your last statement
We're talking we're chatting. You've made some comments
Clarity but I'm willing to start
Speaking with you on the phone if you want to talk and I'm also willing to go out on a date with you
I want you to know that now the ball is in your court
Okay
I will do it
That's a lot easier because I think this will be like the third time
In the sense of like third times a change of like just in case you're not getting this
Just to be more direct. I suppose. I don't I don't know
But maybe after this if he doesn't step up you need to pull back on how much you're chatting with him
Okay get to get that and not step up
Just like that so he don't get to keep planting seeds about if you were this and he thinks you're so pretty
You know, that's just talk. So let's just say that one last time and okay, you call it done
Cool. Thank you
Hey karen
Hey
It's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah, just a couple things one. Um, there was a guy I talked to
Months ago
And we had a really great conversation on the phone. But then at the end of the conversation, he said he wasn't
fully divorced
and you told me
End it and I did I said I sent him a message the next day. I said i'm sorry
I'm gonna have to end this since like you're not fully divorced
And that was that and I hadn't heard from him again, and then I just heard from him
Yeah on sunday
Out of the blue. Hey, karen. Just want to let you know i've been divorced as of march blah blah blah
Ah
And then i'm like, okay, but that was like a month ago. So like you're still not like
You know what? I mean? Like I don't know what to do with this dude. Like what do I say?
well
Was he separated with his wife before he got the divorce like the way they separated for a year or two years?
Had they he said a couple years they had i've been separated for a while. Yeah
Like not together at all
I don't think so
So that makes a difference when you're talking about. Oh, he needs time to heal
He hadn't been with his wife and they had been separated for two years
It's not like he had just moved out of the house with her if that makes sense
Okay, or she just moved out like that's something for you to consider
And so if you wanted to start back conversing with him, um, you can tell him like I know you said
Y'all been separated for two years
Can you share with me some of the things you did to bring yourself back to heal to a well place
This is something that concerns me because you were married
You can voice that concern and he can share what his journey was like with you and what he said for himself
Especially they've been separated two years. That's a lot of time
Okay
Mm-hmm
And then the other thing
is, um on a whole different thing, um, one of the ladies from my
Um bible study fellowship group that i'm in leadership with
She she's actually the leader of the group and she said to me a couple weeks ago
Out of the blue. She goes. Oh karen
I have somebody I want you to meet
Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay
I was like
Finally my community
You know working for me, right?
Community come on community
Yes
So anyway, um, I told her like I would be fine if she just wanted to send him and I a text together
And introduce us that way
And she's like, okay. Let me go
I'll ask him because she knows him from church and like she does like I guess the children's or something with him in church
I don't really know
and so, um
Then she went to church on sunday and she sent me a message saying hey I spoke to him
He wants to meet you, but he wants it to be natural. He doesn't want a blind date
so
She's like come to church with me
So now I have to i'm going to go to her church in a couple weeks because he won't be there next week
But i'll go a couple weeks later get to his to her church, but i'm like now that feels awkward to me
I felt like it would have been easier to just like
Take it from the two of us just like meeting, you know
but now I have to like hang out with a church with her and like hope that we
I don't know now. It's hard. I don't know what to oh, I see what you're saying
So he said he wanted to be more natural and she's like come to church with me. He can see you
Um, because he didn't want to do a blind date, right?
So, I don't know i'm just trying to like i'm excited that this is a first
Community person trying to like match me, which is great. I've been praying for this. Yeah, so i'm just like, okay
It just kind of feels weird now. I know I say go for his phone
I
Say go for it
You have nothing to lose everything the game right and you've never done anything like this before
Just I get it. I would be a little nervous too, but go for it. Okay
That was it and look look real good, baby
It's good to see you.
Good to see you too, thanks.
You're welcome.
Fran.
Fran Kane.
Hi.
So, Can is for Canada.
I'm in Canada.
I was wondering that.
I was like, I want to say Canada while I'm talking to my Fran Kane.
So, I don't really know how this works, but if it's similar to the hard work, then I think
I got an idea in terms of sharing.
But this is my first week with Phase Two, and I listened to a couple of Jackie's recordings,
courses, and I find that everything she teaches is everything that I thought that I shouldn't
do.
When it comes to waiting for the guy to take the lead and all that good stuff.
So, just some background about me.
I'm going to be a bit vulnerable, but it's good to be direct and let things out.
But I never actually had a boyfriend.
I have been on dates, most of them through online dating, which I hate.
I would prefer something to happen organically.
And for the longest time, I thought that it was going to happen organically, but guys
don't approach women.
And I don't know if it's, bye-bye, give up.
I don't know.
But I think I've been on only two dates where I met people organically, you know, doing
life.
But most of the other dates I've been through online.
And I've never passed three dates with a guy.
So, I don't know.
I'm just like, I'm a little bit all over the place, but I'm 36 years old now and I want
to have kids.
I want to get married.
So, I'm trying this to get things shaken up a little bit because I don't want to get to
40 and be like, oh my God, I wasted all that time and I'm still in the wait.
So, yeah, I'm going to stop there for now.
But yeah, that's a lot.
There's a lot in my head going on right now.
Yeah.
So, thank you for sharing and being vulnerable.
I want you to know that a well over a large number of ladies in the program, some ladies,
most, a lot of ladies never kissed a man before.
They're like 35, 36.
They've never had a boyfriend before.
So, you're in very good company.
I want you to know it's very common.
So, it is very common.
At the beginning, you were saying something.
Were you saying when you listen to her, she tells you, she encourages you to do everything
that you don't do?
Like approach the man first, drop the hanky things.
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah.
So, it goes against your way of thinking.
Yeah.
It is a big like, what?
So, I do want to, I want to do a little, I want to touch and hear this for all of us
ladies.
We have to recognize the times that we're in, in the earth.
And so, a lot of people will say, oh, well, ladies like to hold on to, well, men have
always asked ladies, and if a man wants to talk to me, he's going to approach me.
Those days are long past.
It's true.
Ms. Bunny Mike can attest in her days growing up, men did approach women, or Ms. Sheila
can, or Ms. Peggy can, they did, or Krista can.
Men always did that.
That's what men did.
But as the, as times change, what you have happening, that we're not as patriotically
led in our households as it used to be.
Women have, women lead the matriarchal homes.
Times have changed.
Boys don't see men be men anymore.
Boys don't get to see that figure in the house.
And so, what happens is, you have to, a lot of times, adjust with the times in which you
live in, and recognize the times you live in, and say, okay, this is the time I'm in.
What's happening in this time?
I know guys who are dating, and they never will ask a woman in public, but they're always
on a date, and I say, won't you just ask her?
You're like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
And it's like, come on, dude, you're a man.
But times has changed so much, and sometimes we have to allow our approach to evolve with
the time.
Look around you in the earth, and see the time that you're in, and adjust to the timing.
That helps with that.
Because now, that law that you have ingrained in you, you'll see that that law is not sufficient.
It's outdated.
And so, what you'll do, you'll update.
your brain programming with the concepts that Jackie teaches,
and it is reciprocity.
It is, if you're interested, let someone know.
And if they're interested, they'll say something back.
And so when rejection speaks to you and say,
I ain't going to say nothing to him, he may not even like me.
That's true.
And if he says something to you and you didn't like him,
you have the right to say, I don't want to talk to you.
That's how it works.
People get to say what they like and what they don't like.
But that comes with the update of your programming.
Are you tracking with me?
And I'm just sharing with you things
that help you through that part of the process,
because that is not how we've been taught that it works.
But the times that we live in, it is how it works.
And this is not a campaign for dating apps.
I'm just telling you why it looks
the way it looks in the Earth.
So me, as a Black woman, being age 43,
I understand that if I date a man from a Black community,
that he probably did not have a father.
I have to accept that real fact.
And that means that man is going to lack some things
that I desire from him.
That doesn't mean he's not going to be masculine,
mature, and marriage-minded.
But he didn't have a father, and he
didn't have a man to show him what it's like to love a woman.
And so though he has a good, solid foundation,
I have to consider that.
But I also have to consider that I
may have to help cultivate that part of him,
that I may have to get my hands in this thing
and help him as he matures in this area.
So I have to be sure that the man that I choose
is teachable.
And so my goal changes from, he should know.
No, he should not know, but he has to be teachable.
He has to be willing to submit to mentorship,
because I see we're going to need that.
And a Black man wanting a Black woman
will have to understand that most Black women grow up
in a matriarchally-led home, and she probably doesn't
understand respect for a man.
And because of that, he's going to have
to grow with that woman as she learns respect,
because men have to have respect,
and women have to have love.
We have two commandments.
Jesus said, men, love your wives.
Women, respect your husband, because it's just two.
It's just one simple thing each one of us have to do,
but it's the hardest thing to do,
especially when you've never seen it.
And so within me, I know that the Lord has
helped me grow in respect, but I'm
going to have to have some practice on the job.
I tell me, hey, this is the way I was raised.
This is where I've come, and if you don't have grace for me,
I am teachable.
I'm part of the process.
Then this is not going to work.
This is the condition.
Even culture teaches women not to honor men, not to value men.
They train us and program us.
You can do whatever.
You don't need a man.
You do it yourself.
But yet, you want to come and partner
with a man in the household, and you want to take over,
because you believe that your way is best way,
and we don't understand the office of a husband,
and the office of a wife, and how they play together.
I'm not trying to preach, but I'm trying to bring a reality.
And when we can come in the reality of where we are,
it really helps us adopt new principles, new understandings
with a greater ease.
And I hope this is helping.
No, it is helping.
My thing also is I have two brothers,
and they always tell me, no, you let him come to you.
You do not go to him.
There are guys, and they tell me that when I'm like,
yeah, but he might be shy, or I don't know.
That's always what I get back.
And then also another thing is the Bible says,
do not come from to the world,
and I'm looking for a Christian man.
And so I'm hoping that there are Christian men
who are like, I will be the head,
so I'm going to take the lead.
And I'm hoping that we can see that,
maybe not in all cases, but in many cases.
Yeah, but those are two different things you're mixing.
So let's keep them separate.
Let's separate out those two last things you said.
They don't all go together.
So your brothers are the one doing the choosing.
You have to be chose.
That's the truth.
The man is going to ask you to marry.
You can choose, but you're not the one choosing.
You have to be chosen in order to be married.
They're in a different position than you,
and you have to understand that.
Some parts of you say they're a man, so they must know,
but you got to remember,
your brothers are going to choose.
They choose their wife.
You don't choose a husband in that way.
You have to be chosen.
So I'm saying that to you to say,
if you want to say something to a person
to let them know you're interested,
it's as simple as,
I would enjoy getting a cup of coffee
and getting to know you better if you're interested.
With the moment you say, if you're interested, let me know,
then the ball jumps to his court,
and then he gets to come back and say, yes, I'm interested.
And that thing in you that you say,
you wanted for him to say something to you first
has all been ironed out
because you had a piece of the puzzle,
he had a piece of the puzzle.
Jacket says that we have,
each person has a responsibility,
it's a 50-50 responsibility to get to know each other.
Now, would you go into a relationship and say,
are we gonna go exclusive?
No, you will not.
A man leads in that.
If a man is not asking you to be exclusive,
you're not asking that man to be exclusive
because if he wanted to be exclusive with you,
he would say that to you.
If you start giving, calling and chatting,
but he doesn't give you reciprocity,
you're watching patterns
so that you can see he's not investing.
So there's an opportunity for everyone
to have a piece of the pie
when you're talking about getting to know a person.
And your first phase is getting to know a person.
He's gonna have plenty of time to choose you.
That's what you want.
That's what you're saying.
You're gonna have to show some effort
that you wanna get to know me.
But this is just the first phase
and that's the beauty of this part of the program,
that you're dating for discovery.
This is very low stakes.
And it takes a while to catch on to this friend
so don't feel any type of way about it.
I was in this program, I guess about four years ago
and Jacket was my coach.
And let me tell you something,
I hit my head up against the wall every which way but loose.
And I was very resistant to this, very resistant.
It was resistant, I was all in it.
I broke all the boundaries, ladies.
That's how I learned that you have to submit to them
for your own self,
that you have to bring yourself under a order.
So that's that, right?
And now you come over to, you want a man,
the requirement or the foundation of any man
that you're gonna marry, according to this program,
is he's mature, he's masculine and he's marriage-minded.
That's your foundation.
So him being righteous is not a question.
That's not up for questioning.
Whether he approaches you first,
don't tell you if he's a leader,
it just tells you that he ain't afraid for you to say no.
I don't know if y'all noticed this,
but some of the men who,
and I'm not trying to talk about a person,
but some of the men who don't look the best
are the ones who will approach you in a hot minute
because they feel like I ain't got nothing to lose.
And so I'm saying that to you
is just because they approach you
doesn't make them a leader.
Maybe they feel like they don't have anything to lose
because the worst you can say is no.
And so that's why we don't put everything
in the same bucket and in the same category.
Evaluating a man as a husband
and evaluating him as somebody you'd like to get to know
are two different categories.
And so that's why this phase was my favorite phase
because it's dating for discovery
and it's getting to know a person,
is learning how to pace.
Even if your husband dropped down out of heaven,
you need to know how to pace.
You can go and marry him in a month
because you feel like the Lord said he's your husband,
but when you say I do, you still got to get to know him.
You can't bypass the process because it's not bypassable.
Does that make sense?
And so the things that you're gonna learn
in dating for discovery give you capacity for marriage.
They expand you.
It helps you operate in grace.
It helps you pace yourself enough
to get to know a person for who they are
because in marriage you have to see people for who they are
because they're gonna be there as themselves.
And sometimes we live in fantasy land so long.
We live in urgency so long.
We live in the world that time is not on our side
and we're running all out.
And it's not true because you're worth the investment.
All of us are worth the investment
because nobody gets married to get divorced.
And that's just not what you want.
And so I saw this as an opportunity for him.
It's gonna take a while to catch on to the rhythm.
This program is such an opportunity for growth.
It's gonna go really fast.
Your phases are really fast, but maximize them.
One lady said like this,
she's married now but she was on love seats.
She said when she came to this program,
she studied it like a college.
She took it like a college class.
And whatever Jackie said, dude, she did it.
Like it was college.
She told herself, this is my college course to marriage
and I'm gonna do whatever they say do
even if I don't wanna do it.
And it served her well.
And it's gonna serve all of us well.
And I want you to see it like a short time
because when you get married, this time will never be again.
And so I want you ladies to have fun.
I want you to see somebody you like and drop the hanky.
I want you to feel that hurt a little rejection
just kind of percept, yep, it hurt.
Brush it out.
And I want you to get as many dates as you can.
I want you to laugh a lot.
Meet at the coffee shop.
He's not your husband, if that helps you.
And it does help.
So you can see people rightly, right?
OK, Fran, any more questions for me?
I hope I helped.
I know how this is just starting.
I know, I know, I know.
OK, did I help you?
No, it was helpful.
It was helpful, thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
You sure?
Yes, I have more questions, but it
will be for another session.
It will be for another session?
Is it a quick question?
I know we got to go, but is it a quick one?
What is the question?
No, I was just, oh, it might be a long question.
It might be a long question, maybe next time.
OK, or you can post it on the wall,
and we'll respond in the app.
OK, well, I'm going to go for it.
And if it's long, you tell me.
So I also find that oftentimes, the guy that I want
are not the guy that approach me.
And I always wonder, do I need to adjust,
or is it just like it's going to happen in its own time?
So meaning, I have a master's degree,
and a lot of the guys who approach me online
don't have degrees.
And most of the time, I get that I probably
make more money than they do.
And I'm like, don't they look at my profile,
and they approach me anyways?
I don't know.
So that's one thing.
And also, but you mentioned that guys
that are not necessarily traditionally attractive
would feel less shy of approaching a woman,
because that was also one of my problems.
I'm like, oh, maybe I think I'm a seven,
but actually, I'm only a five, and that's
why I'm only attracting fives.
I don't know.
But that's also something that happens to me
that, in terms of looks as well, maybe I
need to shift my perspective, because I might see myself
at a level that I'm truly not, and I need to change that.
But that's also some of the struggle
that I have in terms of dating.
Yeah, so these are very natural beginner struggles,
because for a while, you've been living the expectations that
are not probably real.
You just don't know it yet, and that's
why I'm here to help you.
And so you've been living in fantasy world
about what your husband is going to be like,
and what type of man you want, and how he has to be.
And sometimes, it's not based in reality.
So first thing is, just because someone is attracted to you,
it is not a reflection of who you are.
It's a reflection of them being attracted to you.
That's all that is.
They saw a beautiful woman, and they like what they saw.
And the way you respond to them is a reflection of you.
So when you respond to a person and say,
why would you think I would want you?
That's a reflection of your heart.
That's a reflection of you looking at them,
not being able to see their internal qualities.
You don't know what you don't know if they're righteous.
You don't know if they're kind.
You don't know if they're generous.
You don't know if they're patient.
But you've looked at their outer appearance,
and you decided, why would I want you?
OK, so disclaimer.
I have been on dates with a lot of men
that I do not find attractive, because I
know that what's in the heart is more important.
But I'm just saying that.
I'm just saying that.
I don't know why I cannot have the looks and then
other qualities.
So you're mixing it.
It's not about why you can't use.
It's not that you can't have somebody that looks the way
you want them to look.
It's just the person you went on a date with
is not your preferred look.
Most married people I know, most all of them
say that their spouse is not somebody
they would have chosen.
Have anybody heard that before?
No, not really one I would have picked, based on looks.
But I just really want to debunk this idea
that because they chose you and they don't meet your standard,
it doesn't speak anything about you or your beauty.
They like how you look.
You have to remember that.
Now, you have a master's degree.
Somebody is trying to talk to you.
They don't have a master's degree.
So I'm hearing that education is of value to you.
Would that be a right assessment?
What if a man tried to talk to you,
and he didn't have a master's degree,
but he had a multimillion-dollar business?
It has never happened, so I cannot speak to that.
But answer the question.
Well, I mean, if he gets to that level, it means that he,
you know, he can think and he can reason and he's smart and all that stuff for sure.
Oh, so you believe that your education determines if you're smart?
No, because I know a lot of people who are not educated, who are smart.
I think for me, education is also a sign of like discipline, hard work.
Um, and that's also what I'm looking for in a man.
Yeah. And so it's going to the gym every day consistently.
And so it's meal prepping every day consistently.
And so don't get too tight while I'm talking,
but I'm trying to help you debunk some of your belief patterns and systems that
may not add up to the truth.
Education does represent that,
but there's no reason for you to hold fast to that in this instant. Yeah.
It represents that a lot of other things represent that.
Okay.
Whatever a person can take in their life and stick to consistently can show all
of the things that education shows.
So I decided I want a doctorate degree. This is a real thing.
I wanted my doctorate degree.
And so I got in the program because I thought that it took smart people to get
doctorate degrees.
I made it up to my dissertation and I quit the program because I found out it
didn't take smart people and I never wanted it.
I did not want it. I did not want a doctorate degree,
but I thought you smart people that clearly must be smart. They're not smart.
They're committed. They're just committed to the process. But I'm just,
I'm just trying to help you fight. Like I'm trying to help you, uh,
do like a pink,
like a weave through some of the things you may believe
about anything.
And so if somebody tries to talk to you and they don't have a master's degree,
it's just a degree. It just shows that they, what you said.
So the core of what you really want is a person who's able to be consistent and
to stick through.
You want to be able to see that they have the ability to stay with something.
That is a really good measurement.
That's a good measurement when you consider somebody for marriage.
That's why when you're getting to know a person, if they're not consistent,
you decide that, Hey, this is not going to work for me.
Because one of the core things a person needs to be to build a relationship is
consistency.
So what I'm showing you is just because a person that have to have a degree,
there's not another way to evaluate the thing that you really want.
And a person can have a very educated discussion with you without having gone to
school. And I know people who go to school that have suck conversations.
Like they ain't talking about nothing at all. And you know,
and so is there your body language?
So you like, it does not like this conversation.
No, I agree with all that you said. Um,
and I've dated a lot of wealthy,
gone on dates with many people who don't have that.
My mom doesn't have that and I respect her. So I always leave the door open,
but I think it's also comes to,
I will be the provider and I do not want to be the provider in,
in a relationship. I do not want to be a provider in my relationship.
So let's stick with that. I value a man who provides.
I believe that a good measurement of a man who provide may not be,
if he has a master's degree, you can marry an engineer,
hear me. And in the next year,
he has an accident where you become the provider and you become his
caretaker. He's your husband at this point. Okay.
So this can get spent all kinds of ways.
So what I'm saying to you is let's measure just what your heart desires and not
attach. They don't have a master's degree. They're not there.
You don't want to be the sole provider for your household.
So that means when you start evaluating a man,
you want to see his track record working.
Maybe you want to know about a man who has the heart of an entrepreneur so that
maybe you are a builder and you like to create your own money.
So me is very important to me that a man is either working somewhere where he's
building some type of where he's able to invest,
that there's enough flow of money, um, that he has an entrepreneur heart.
I would really like that better. Um, I don't always,
I don't enjoy being a slave to a system in exchange for something.
And so I, I'm, I'm always, I have an online store.
Like I'm always doing something outside of those types of things.
And so your better investment would be to get length to have a measurement for
that type of man.
So that means that this man would have to be teachable. That means he would have to be
integrous. You want a man who's committed to being righteous because what comes along
with a righteous man is the order and decrees in the laws of scripture. Right?
You want a man who is generous. Why? Not just generous with money, but generous with his time.
You want a man who honors family. So that means when you get to this stage,
you're looking at a man to see how he operates with his mother. You're trying to see how he
operates around his family. You want to hear what his family has to say about him.
This has nothing to do with a master's degree. Right? You want to see a man, he's been on his
job 30 years and yeah, it may be a warehouse, but he's already the supervisor or he's the manager.
He may be in a position that took somebody else a while to get there. Like, oh, there's so many
things that can show you the things you desire. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with all of that. Okay. Okay.
I know we've said a lot. I would like to encapsulate it into one thing,
but I don't know how to do that because we have talked about a lot and I have tackled a lot of
things. But your perspective shift is going to give you more grace as you're dating and it's
going to open you up for what heaven has for you. I want to encourage you to ask heaven for heaven's
non-negotiables for your life. You see where you are, but you don't know where you're going.
And heaven knows the type of husband you need to cultivate the woman that he has designed you to
be. Marriage makes us most holy than it makes us happy. And whoever your husband is, he's going to
have a design upon him. They probably won't come with the things that you think are needed for your
journey, for your life. Does that make sense? And so Jackie always encourages us to ask God for his
non-negotiables for our life. It is very helpful for the journey. And so I want to encourage you
to do that. I think that's a really good starting point. And lay out what your heart really wants
and not the things you decided is the measurement for that. Does that make sense? One of my greatest
fears when I came into this program is I would have to carry a man. That really bothers me. And
so this was one of the things that had to be broken off of me. I was really, I used to date men just
to prove that they could not stand, that they wouldn't make it. Literally. I judged them so harsh
because I've already decided I wouldn't carry a man and they weren't good enough.
And so that is a real thing and you, we can wear it like armor and we wonder why we don't attract.
We don't attract the type of man that we would like to be with because we repel them.
I'm not saying you're doing that, but it really helps when you break down what you really want.
Hear your heart and then say, Lord, what does that look like to you?
Yeah. Okay.
Ebony. Yeah.
This is Rachel. I just wanted to add, I don't know to what you were saying to Fran. Is there a
cultural aspect? Because for immigrants, education is very important. And I don't know if that is the
case because I can totally relate to Fran. I'm not saying that, you know, I see what you're saying. I
just was thinking of another perspective as well that maybe for her, like the cultural expectation
of, oh, when you're an immigrant and you come from a different country, like there are parents,
when you're a child of an immigrant parent, the expectation of, you got to go to school,
you got to get to the highest degree that you can possibly get. Like, it's a real thing. So I just
wanted to add that.
I agree with you. And thank you for adding, but I thought that Fran was going to say that when I
asked her about the degree, but that's not what she responded back and say it. I assume that it
was more culture because that is a big deal. You come to this country and once you get highly
educated, you know, but that's not what she said. Fran, is there another part of your heart that
you didn't get to share?
Or it could be there and you don't know.
Yeah, I think what Rachel says is a little component of that for sure. Because, yeah,
I am an immigrant here and my mom had, her dream for me was work for the government,
do as high as you can in education, be financially stable, and then go to school.
I grew up with a, you know, a single mother, immigrant coming to a new country. So I think
it plays a role also in that. But it's also because my conception of a hard worker is someone
one similar to me, and maybe because of my background,
is that if you are a hard worker,
you're going to reach for as high as you can.
And it's not necessarily a degree.
You can be, I don't know, an entrepreneur, like you
mentioned, and be very successful
and reach really high as well.
Like from the culture that I come in,
like people who don't go the academic route typically
are kids that don't do well in school
and that were not the well-behaved kids,
the hardworking kids.
And I know school is not made for everyone,
and maybe that's also why.
But that's something that is in my head
as well, that if you were a disciplined person,
if you are someone who worked hard,
unless you have special circumstances that maybe you're
an immigrant, so maybe you were a doctor back home
and now you come and you have to do, I don't know.
Yeah, you have to do other jobs that are not,
like you see what I'm saying.
I know what you're saying.
I think it's also ingrained in my head that, yeah.
No, I hear your heart in that.
And I will say, I'm not an immigrant,
but in my family, education is highly important,
and all the women are educated.
My grandfather was a sharecropper,
and we're going to wrap this up.
And he told, the white man told him
his daughter couldn't go to college,
which was my grandmother.
And he walked out of that land with his child.
And my grandmother and his wife would not
addine to their name.
And my family owns over 1,700 acres of land
that my grandfather paid for.
My grandmother was the first Black woman
in the state of Mississippi to be the superintendent
of special education.
And so I come from a lineage of strong Black women
who believe in education highly, a lot of education.
And so they measure a lot of things out of education.
And so for some of it, I totally get it.
And they raised the women to be very,
the women in my family, if a man ain't got no money,
he can't say nothing.
The Lord had to deliver me from so many things, so much
control the women carried in my family.
And their husbands, you can't say much to them now,
because they measure everything by what do you have,
what your degree, what money you have.
It's just a lot of little things.
But I think, friend, I'm going to say this and I'm going to go.
I think you should write that down as well and ask the Lord,
what do I do with this?
And how does that show up in my life?
Because it's a part of you.
And it's a part of why you feel so strongly about why
you feel those things.
And that's the agitation you feel,
because there are other deep seated things there.
And I think you should get it all out on paper
and say, now, Lord, what do you desire from me out of this?
What would this look like in my life?
And I want you to bring me back what you get.
Because your expectations matter when you're out here dating,
you know, and how you're measuring things.
Because it's going to determine who you may turn away,
who you may give a little more grace to.
OK.
Come back to see me, please.
I hope I did nothing to you.
OK.
All right, ladies, you guys have been amazing.
It's so good to see you, Roberta.
And have fun.
And I'll see you next time.
And Tiffany, update us again on something.
It's like I need to know something.
Bye.
OK, all right, bye, ladies.