WEBVTT

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Yay! Well, I'm going to open us up with prayer. Father, I thank you for these ladies. I'm

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excited to hear heaven's solutions for every issue that we have. I'm excited for the journey

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that the Lord has placed before each and every one of us, and that we get to do this with

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the one who knows all, who sees all, and who has the perfect suitor just for us. And so

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Jesus, we thank you for the equipping. We thank you for this phase and this time in

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our life, because we realize we will never see it again. Once we say, I do, old things

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will have been passed and new things would have come. And so we thank you for the time

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that we have to grow and to build, to expand our tent pegs. The scripture says that the

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boundary lines has fallen for us in pleasant places. I just declare over each one of these

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ladies that the boundary lines have fallen for them in pleasant places. In Jesus' name,

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amen. Amen. Amen. And if that's something, when you get discouraged, ladies, if you just

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want to grab hold to that, the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. That's

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something I remind myself of in prayer. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant

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places. It beats, oh, I'm just forgotten about. Oh, it's never going to happen for me. No,

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the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, right? And so I replace that. When

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I see somebody else get married, I say, oh God, you're in my neighborhood. I see you

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working, you coming close. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant. I'm not next,

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I'm now. I'm not tomorrow, I am today. I do not forget these things. So whenever I see

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his hand moving, that tells me he's in my neighborhood and he's on the way. He's still

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doing the thing that I want to be done, because I know he do it because he did it for somebody

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else. He must be on the way, right? So is there anyone on that this is your first time with us

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on tonight? Lisa, I was going to say, I think it's you, Lisa. Well, good. Are you just now

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coming to phase two? Is today your first day in phase two? Oh, it is. Yeah. I just rolled over

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yesterday. Welcome. We're so happy to have you. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome.

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This is, I like phase two a lot. It's one of my most favorite phases because I grew so much.

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When I was in the program, Jackie was my coach. And so that'll really get you moving. And so

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it's fun. The dating challenge, you may haven't listened to the welcome video yet, but they do

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challenge you to have seven dates. And because it was an older video that was recorded, I think it's

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like seven days to spring. But you're not required to have seven days before you go to phase three.

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It's just encouragement to get you out there. This is not, you have to get on a dating app tomorrow

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or any of those things. We just want to get you excited about the timing that you're in.

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Because in this phase, we believe in dating for discovery. Now I know we came in, we wanted to

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date for a husband. And that happens because if you discover somebody, you meet somebody,

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that person, you got to meet them for them to be your husband. But in this phase, we want us all

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to get to know ourselves through dating. And so no matter what happens in the dating process,

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it's actually for discovery of yourself. And so thanks, Rachel. And so that's some of the

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things we're going to talk about on tonight. We're going to talk about tonight, what does

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divine rejection look like? What does pain look like? And what does identity mislabeling look like?

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These are real things. They happen all the time. And so it is a habit of mine

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to believe that when someone rejects me, sometimes we believe that it's actually

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now our identity. And so sometimes when we start talking to somebody, we'll hold on for dear life

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from a scarcity mindset. We don't want to be rejected. We don't be tall. So we don't want

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to drop the hanky. We're so sure maybe the Lord convinced us that we wouldn't have to do it that

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way. Whatever reasons we have is to guard something, is to protect something. And so we

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see people and circumstances and situations through the lenses of our heart. And this is something

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Jackie talks a great deal about in phase one. That is the perception of our heart that views

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the world around us. And until we create new pathways in our brain, we will continue to

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process the same things the same way. Ever since you were a little girl, you will continue to

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process with your little girl program brain. And it's not no shame to you. This is how your brain

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has been wired. Even in epigenetics, it was passed down to you to see life that way.

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Like your parents saw it that way. I heard one psychologist say, and I thought it was so good.

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He says, you are a compilation of the thoughts of your parents.

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Whatever they believe, whatever their thinking was, they pass it on to you.

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If I believe that the garbage can should

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be this way. I believe it because somebody taught me this. So if I believe so, we are a compilation

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of whatever their thoughts were. If they believe that when a girl goes to church, she shouldn't go

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without pantyhose or stockings on, then you live by that law. And then you grow up and you be like,

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well, I just don't think it's really that appropriate. But one day your parents thought

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that, right? That thought was passed on to them. They pass it on to you. Like my mom say,

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women shouldn't wear pants to church. She passed that on to me. I'll still do it,

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but in the side of my head lives, you shouldn't wear pants to church. It's really not that

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appropriate, right? No harm to it. But then my grandmother taught her that. And so we're just

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a compilation of thoughts, passed down thoughts that were put into actions that produce behaviors

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and these behaviors shaped us. So what are the things that we have to learn in dating? Because

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dating is a skill. It really is. It is a skill to the fullest of skills. And so sometimes when

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we sign up for something like this program and we come in, we don't understand that we're going to

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be learning a new way of doing things. And that if the old way worked, you wouldn't be in this

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program. That's the truth. If you knew how to do it, you wouldn't be in a community to help support

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you because you need the support. And so what happens is one of the things that first happens

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when we come into this community is a clash of our law versus these new guidelines or guardrails

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or new thoughts. And all of Jackie's teaching is fun until it clashed against laws embedded within

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us that we believe is the right way because we believe is the right way, though it has not

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produced much for us in its rightness. Right. And so you have this clash. It's one of the first

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things that happen, especially in this phase when it's time to date, because there are a lot of

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things happening on the inside of us. Our past is speaking to us. Our wounds, our hurts, all

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these things just kind of rolling around. And then we believe when we get to phase two, I've done the

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hard work. What's this problem? Why is this popping up again? I must need to go back and do hard work

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again. Hard work is a forever process. We're always pulling up things, planning new things,

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pulling up things, planning up new things. One of the things that we're going to talk about tonight

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that, you know, is that pain is a signal for us. It's not a defining moment. Pain gives us

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information. Just like if you stick your hand on a stove and you get burned, that pain tells you

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that my hand doesn't go on a hot stove. Pain is information. It is not, I stuck my hand on the

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hot stove. I'm so stupid. Why did I do this stupid stuff? I'm just stupid. That was so dumb. Have you

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ever done something like, that's so stupid. Why you do this stupid stuff? I've had that kind of

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internal dialogue and that comes from inside because I took what happened outside of me and

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I interpreted it with an old thought pattern about me. That's what I believe about me. And so I'm

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going to give you a really good example. I had this really, she's still a friend, but she went out,

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got married. It was messy. Really didn't, wasn't like, she felt like she heard the Lord. It was a

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prophetic word. It was like all these things, this person prophesied this, this person prophesied that,

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this lined up, God said this, then God said this, and then he had the dream and I had the dream.

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And so even when you will try to gently say, you guys, it's hard to tell somebody

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that God didn't tell them something. You're usually not going to do that.

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You're not going to say to somebody, God didn't tell you that. So what you do is kind of lightly

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say, well, do you have to go so fast? Can you just wait? And so this was what happened. So,

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I was like, hey, it's no rush. I know that he's in another country, but it's no rush. You don't

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have to jump over there and get married. He can come in for a little while. You can get someone

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from the church to put them up. You can go on some dates. You can see what it's like to be around

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each other. But it just wasn't working because she has so much confirmation and so many prophetic

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words. So this is no shame to her. This is an example that I'm trying to pull together.

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So she married him. He was a man of God too. And he was into a lot of stuff,

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sex trafficking. Yeah, it was really bad. And so when she made it back to the States,

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she called everybody in her circle, very accountable, everybody who gave her prophetic

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word, everybody who ever said anything to her. And she sat there and she cried and she said,

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can you believe he did this to me? And it shocked my sister.

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Because I would have said how stupid of me to go over here and believe all this stuff I've made a mess.

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She did not respond the way I would have responded based on how she sees herself.

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She saw that this man lied to her. She saw that this man did something wrong to her.

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But I, I processed it totally different.

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And that's why I'm telling this story so you can see how two people can take a situation and process it totally different.

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In dating, things are going to happen and it's based on how you process what is happening that determines how you go through the actual process.

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Are we all together on what I'm saying? Like, I thought she had some nerves.

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She's like, that's how much I believed. Like, I wasn't accusing her.

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But I only when she said it shocked me to the highest level of shock because I knew I would have not responded that way.

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I would have been so ashamed. I would have went ahead.

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I would have felt like, what did I catch? What did I see? Why did I do this?

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But she said he did these things. She told everybody what he did.

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I wouldn't have told nobody. The reason why I wouldn't have told nobody is because I would have carried the shame.

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I would have said it was me. I've been so stupid. Why did I do that? Why didn't I listen? What did I miss?

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But she came back to her prophetic community and she said, you know, she said to one person, you say God told you this.

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And then you remember you say God told you this and you remember you say God told you this.

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And she said, I just don't understand how this could happen to me.

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And and so I just want to give that she didn't allow this situation to say, tell her her identity.

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She didn't allow this situation to speak about who she was as an individual.

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She didn't allow that situation to say that she was worthless or she wasn't good enough or that she wasn't chosen.

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She gave him all of what belonged to him. And I do mean every bit of it.

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And it wasn't like she blamed him. No, she rightfully divided what belonged to him.

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And so when we're dating, it is very important that we give people what belongs to them.

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So. Not everything you feel is who you are.

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That's our first point, not everything you feel is who you are, you can feel it and not be who you are.

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As a matter of fact, we feel a lot of things as ladies. And so because we feel so well, it's very important that we are tedious not to allow those things that we feel to define us.

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When when you let's say you get on a dating app and you're talking to somebody and it's going good and all of a sudden they ghost you.

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How many people have the first thought to say, what did I say? Like, what did I do? What happened?

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I thought it was going really good. That is or used to be.

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Or I am I am I am bent toward that way to say, wait a minute. What happened? What did I say?

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I thought it was going so good now. Because I operate in two like it's two things going on at one time, I quickly remind myself that's how they decided to show up.

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Everyone gets a right to show up the way they want to show up. And I don't when I meet somebody else, I don't change over.

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I get to be who I am. I'm not going to stop being who I am because of how another person chooses to show up.

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And my encouragement to you is don't allow how someone else treats you to determine how you're going to show up.

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You don't have to play games. You can just be you.

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Put yourself under order. Submit to guardrails and boundaries and guard your heart without diligence.

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And you don't have to build the walls of Jericho. You don't have to live in fear.

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Is it scary? Yeah. But are you guarded and protected? Yes.

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Sorry. Sorry, I'm back.

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So so rejection, pain and emotional discomfort are experiences, but they're not just they're not identity statements.

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Oh, wow. It's so good. I think it's Joanna. Joanna, are you singing?

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You can't hear us. I don't want to leave. I want to listen.

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Maybe we can get her to do a song for us later on. I didn't know she could sing so beautifully, but I think that I heard her mention it.

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All right. And.

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Oh, we need to be able to identify when we're feeling something and in the moment

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when we're assigning it to ourselves in dating.

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If you actually date, you'll become very you can become skilled at this.

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So you can practice it in your dating life, you can practice it in everyday life.

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If you've got a job, you can practice it.

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You can practice this in anything.

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The skill is very useful for you because you need it for the rest of your life.

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You need to be able to assign things where they belong and not to yourself.

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As women that are single, we're used to doing things all on our own.

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We're used to things being all on us.

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So that line of assigning it to yourself is thinner than you know.

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Because if don't nobody do it, who's going to do it?

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You.

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If it's going to get done, it's going to be you.

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And so we're already you already all over the line.

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Like it's not a clear line in the area.

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So

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so Jackie teaches that divine rejection is not identity rejection.

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The divine rejection is not what we call

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a divine rejection, because we believe that when you're

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rejected by someone or someone says there, no, the same way you have the right to say

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no. That is for your own protection.

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And sometimes in dating and I've heard

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this so many times and you read the if you read the wall, you'll see it, too.

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I just didn't want to mess anything up.

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I mean, if it was going to be a good thing, I just didn't want to mess it up.

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You cannot mess up what belongs to you.

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I am telling you, if a man desires you,

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even if you say something he didn't like, he's going to say, I choose you anyway.

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This is how it works.

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When you get married, you're going to look at that man and all the pain and hurt

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and frustration and confusion he causes you, you're going to have to look at him

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if you want to stay married and say, I still choose you.

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Because love is forged through forgiveness,

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love is forged through grace and mercy and endurance, and you don't get that

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with sunshine, you get it with thunderstorms, clouds and rain,

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tornadoes and hurricanes.

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It is the truth.

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You need something to forgive, to practice forgiveness.

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You need something that to show grace to.

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You need something to have mercy on.

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I don't know if you've ever asked God for mercy, but I ask him for mercy.

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And I usually went out and missed the real, but have mercy on me.

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I ask every day I ask for mercy, have mercy on me, Lord.

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Mercy is given because it's not deserved.

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I did nothing right for it.

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You're going to pardon me, have mercy on me.

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And think in marriage, you have to keep pardoning a person, have mercy.

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It don't mean you don't have accountability, don't mean you don't have system in place.

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It doesn't mean that you're not in a healthy community.

199
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You don't have mentors and counselors and things in place.

200
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You need infrastructure.

201
00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:04.920
But have mercy on me.

202
00:18:05.120 --> 00:18:06.600
You're going to have to have some mercy.

203
00:18:06.800 --> 00:18:08.400
Right. So.

204
00:18:08.440 --> 00:18:13.000
Sometimes when we feel rejection, we'll make it our language.

205
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And it helps you to have language.

206
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So when you hear it, you can know what I'm talking about.

207
00:18:17.800 --> 00:18:22.720
So and so instead of say I experienced a no.

208
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You may say I'm not chosen.

209
00:18:25.600 --> 00:18:28.040
He didn't want me.

210
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:30.400
Maybe I'm not good enough.

211
00:18:30.600 --> 00:18:31.600
Right.

212
00:18:31.800 --> 00:18:33.400
And I'm not good enough.

213
00:18:33.600 --> 00:18:35.200
And I'm not good enough.

214
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:37.880
Maybe I'm not good enough.

215
00:18:38.080 --> 00:18:39.480
Right.

216
00:18:40.120 --> 00:18:41.520
Or maybe I'm just behind.

217
00:18:41.720 --> 00:18:43.280
I just need to catch up.

218
00:18:43.480 --> 00:18:47.000
These are like real thoughts we can have in our mind.

219
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:50.760
Oftentimes when we don't, which is hard, I don't even like to say it sometimes,

220
00:18:50.760 --> 00:18:53.520
because a lot of times when I start teaching something, I have

221
00:18:53.720 --> 00:18:56.800
to experience the next day and I don't really like this.

222
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So I think I keep this next statement to myself and be all honest.

223
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And so but anyway.

224
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But divine rejection is actually protection.

225
00:19:05.560 --> 00:19:07.240
It doesn't feel like it, but it is.

226
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:11.440
And the more you work your language to yourself

227
00:19:11.640 --> 00:19:15.400
and you give everything that belongs to one person to them and you take what

228
00:19:15.400 --> 00:19:17.480
belongs to you, you be accountable for your own.

229
00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:20.440
You let them be accountable for theirs.

230
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Then you can recover more quickly.

231
00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:30.160
Your recovery time from the no.

232
00:19:30.320 --> 00:19:33.640
You bounce back more quickly.

233
00:19:33.840 --> 00:19:36.480
And you want a quicker bounce back.

234
00:19:36.680 --> 00:19:40.760
Because you're in a phase where they're going to be a lot of no's.

235
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Whether you give the no or they give the no.

236
00:19:44.280 --> 00:19:46.040
This is the phase that you're in.

237
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:49.360
You're dating for discovery.

238
00:19:49.560 --> 00:19:53.240
And so you're going to discover like, oh, not quite.

239
00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:55.800
You're going to discover I went too quickly

240
00:19:55.800 --> 00:19:59.760
at the beginning and it is costing me in week number two.

241
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.000
I went too quickly in the first two days and it is costing me in day number three.

242
00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:10.000
We talked about this before, when you're talking to somebody for some reason,

243
00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:15.000
one day feel like two weeks. I swear, I don't know what it is!

244
00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:18.800
When you like somebody, it seems like you want to get phone wasted.

245
00:20:18.800 --> 00:20:20.400
You can just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

246
00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:23.000
And you look up, it's only been two days and it feels like two weeks.

247
00:20:23.000 --> 00:20:25.800
And you're like, I'm sure, I'm sure of it.

248
00:20:25.800 --> 00:20:29.000
Nope. First time you talk was Sunday and today is Wednesday.

249
00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:33.000
Nope. You ain't even made it through the week. Nope. It's true.

250
00:20:33.000 --> 00:20:40.000
So, um, but divine protection is, yeah.

251
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.000
Joanne, did we hear you singing? Was that you singing and playing your piano?

252
00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:49.000
Oh my gosh, did I not mute myself?

253
00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:55.000
I'm so sorry. I was like, I need to pick these songs for worship tonight.

254
00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.000
And I sucked when I sang that song, but thank you.

255
00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:03.000
No, you didn't. We wanted to worship, but I had to, I had to do what they,

256
00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:06.000
what they, what they had me to do when I get on these calls,

257
00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:08.000
but we wanted to worship with you.

258
00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:12.000
But divine rejection is about protection, timing.

259
00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:16.000
And as Jackie says, it's about formation.

260
00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:20.000
Okay. Um, I used to work with insurance agents and they used to tell me,

261
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:22.000
they wanted me to come over and sell.

262
00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:24.000
I was like, I can't deal with that kind of rejection.

263
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:29.000
They was like, it is proven after you get so many no's, a yes is going to come.

264
00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:35.000
And so we endure the no's because we know that the yes is going to come.

265
00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:37.000
I know, I know, I know, I know.

266
00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:42.000
And so it's a good mindset for them to have because it teaches them how to have

267
00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:43.000
tough skin.

268
00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:46.000
And so they're counting down the no's because they know if I can just get

269
00:21:46.000 --> 00:21:49.000
through the no's. And so when the person's like, no, they're like, okay, great.

270
00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:51.000
Thank you so much. Have a great day.

271
00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:56.000
Because they know as I make it through the no's, I'm going to get to a yes.

272
00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:57.000
And the truth is,

273
00:21:57.000 --> 00:22:00.000
I don't want to put you in a position where somebody is going to always be

274
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.000
saying no to you, but I'm saying on the journey to your kingdom spouse,

275
00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:07.000
ideally we would like an Amazon package or the first person we talked to to be

276
00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:11.000
the one I'm with you. I am not against you. I am for you.

277
00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:13.000
I am with you on this.

278
00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:20.000
But oftentimes if you will be completely honest with yourself and examine

279
00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:23.000
where you are as a person,

280
00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:27.000
be real about the areas that you need growth in or the things that you may be

281
00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:28.000
blinded to.

282
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:32.000
You will be thankful that you didn't marry the person you would have married

283
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:36.000
today, last week, today, last month, today, right?

284
00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:39.000
If you had to pick them last month and now today after you've grown,

285
00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:42.000
you'd be like, whoo, dodge me a bullet.

286
00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:48.000
I am telling you that I, the, the acceleration of growth on my life,

287
00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:51.000
which is absolutely amazing, which we all, we all have it.

288
00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:53.000
It's I'm not special.

289
00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:59.000
I wouldn't have chosen the same man six months ago that I would choose today.

290
00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:02.000
And I remember making the same statement six months before that.

291
00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:03.000
And six months before that.

292
00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:04.000
And six months before that,

293
00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:08.000
because the Lord keeps bringing me further and further into my identity.

294
00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:15.000
And as I go deeper into who I am, I will not easily trade me off.

295
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:17.000
I cannot, um,

296
00:23:17.000 --> 00:23:24.000
it is not feasible for me to marry someone who does not have the capacity or

297
00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:29.000
who does not have the ability to sharpen me, to champion me and to grow me.

298
00:23:29.000 --> 00:23:35.000
And so now I understand the treasure that God has put on the inside of me.

299
00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.000
And I'm not willing to hand it over to anyone in such fashion,

300
00:23:39.000 --> 00:23:42.000
because when you get married,

301
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:46.000
there is an order to marriage and it's in the scripture here in America.

302
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:51.000
We've been cultivated, believe that I'm this, I'm that this man comes to serve me,

303
00:23:51.000 --> 00:23:52.000
but it's not true.

304
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.000
And whoever you choose to lead, because if you try to lead all of you,

305
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:59.000
the house is going to come burning and crumbling down because it's just not the

306
00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:03.000
order. A snake with two heads cannot go anywhere.

307
00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:05.000
Somebody is going to have to be the head.

308
00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:10.000
And if this person is going to be the lead or to be the head that I get to be

309
00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:16.000
the helper to, then they're going to have to have capacity for all of me.

310
00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:20.000
And I'm not looking for a perfect man.

311
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:23.000
I'm in the market for a man with capacity.

312
00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:28.000
And I understand that the more specialized,

313
00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:32.000
that the more specialized of a man I need,

314
00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:35.000
it goes smaller and smaller as it gets to the top.

315
00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:38.000
But because in this season, ladies,

316
00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:42.000
if we allow God to birth purpose on the inside of us,

317
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:45.000
not one day of your journey will be wasted.

318
00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.000
I am telling you not what I think I'm telling you what I know.

319
00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:53.000
So when you have these ideas in your mind,

320
00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:55.000
sometimes that I ain't got time for that.

321
00:24:57.000 --> 00:24:59.000
I ain't got time. I'm in such a hurry.

322
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:00.840
I don't have time.

323
00:25:00.840 --> 00:25:03.400
What you're saying is I don't have time to invest in me.

324
00:25:05.880 --> 00:25:07.640
And if you're gonna have time for anybody,

325
00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:09.240
you need the time for you.

326
00:25:09.240 --> 00:25:11.720
You will be married to death do you part.

327
00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:13.500
And that man laying beside you in the bed

328
00:25:13.500 --> 00:25:14.800
is gonna get old.

329
00:25:15.960 --> 00:25:17.940
Sex is gonna get old.

330
00:25:19.000 --> 00:25:20.560
He is not gonna be your best friend

331
00:25:20.560 --> 00:25:23.200
and so you may think you will have your own friends.

332
00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:28.140
You will get used to the mundane things of life.

333
00:25:28.140 --> 00:25:30.140
You will, you will adjust.

334
00:25:30.140 --> 00:25:31.860
This is gonna be your new life.

335
00:25:32.780 --> 00:25:35.500
And so invest in you while you still have time

336
00:25:35.500 --> 00:25:37.860
to just focus on you and to grow you.

337
00:25:39.020 --> 00:25:42.960
And so then when you get to the altar, you have both.

338
00:25:42.960 --> 00:25:45.300
You have a well-developed woman

339
00:25:45.300 --> 00:25:49.340
who has the capacity to sharpen as she is sharpened.

340
00:25:49.340 --> 00:25:52.960
And you have a husband and he has you

341
00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:55.580
in the fullness of all of your beauty.

342
00:25:55.580 --> 00:25:57.740
And there's still gonna be stuff left in you

343
00:25:58.340 --> 00:26:00.180
for him to help cultivate in you.

344
00:26:00.180 --> 00:26:02.700
And then you get to cultivate some things in him.

345
00:26:02.700 --> 00:26:03.580
I'm gonna go back to the lesson,

346
00:26:03.580 --> 00:26:05.620
but I didn't wanna leave you with it.

347
00:26:05.620 --> 00:26:08.260
All right, pain is not who you are.

348
00:26:08.260 --> 00:26:10.100
This is something that Jackie talked about.

349
00:26:10.100 --> 00:26:12.460
It was the theme on our Supernatural Saturday.

350
00:26:16.420 --> 00:26:18.340
Pain gives us a signal.

351
00:26:18.340 --> 00:26:20.180
Frustration gives us a signal.

352
00:26:20.180 --> 00:26:22.100
Have you ever been talking to a guy before

353
00:26:22.100 --> 00:26:24.560
and all of a sudden maybe you got anxious

354
00:26:24.560 --> 00:26:27.020
about a text message not coming back through yet

355
00:26:27.020 --> 00:26:30.740
or he didn't really respond in a timely fashion?

356
00:26:30.740 --> 00:26:32.180
And now I have thoughts like this.

357
00:26:32.180 --> 00:26:35.300
Now, I know that we're not exclusive,

358
00:26:35.300 --> 00:26:37.780
but if I feel that he talking to somebody else,

359
00:26:37.780 --> 00:26:39.460
it just bothers me.

360
00:26:39.460 --> 00:26:42.420
I can't figure that thing out yet.

361
00:26:42.420 --> 00:26:45.780
I ask Jackie P.T., what is this foolery?

362
00:26:45.780 --> 00:26:49.820
Now, I can talk to a lot of other people,

363
00:26:49.820 --> 00:26:52.460
but if I feel like something in me just like,

364
00:26:52.460 --> 00:26:56.940
hmm, are you talking to somebody else too?

365
00:26:57.780 --> 00:26:58.780
And so I usually would need, you know,

366
00:26:58.780 --> 00:27:00.740
in times past have to balance myself

367
00:27:00.740 --> 00:27:02.200
and I have to talk to some more people

368
00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:04.260
so I won't go too far in the deep end.

369
00:27:04.260 --> 00:27:05.860
It's good to know yourself.

370
00:27:07.100 --> 00:27:08.980
It's good to know what will bring balance

371
00:27:08.980 --> 00:27:10.300
to you on your journey.

372
00:27:11.180 --> 00:27:12.460
So some people may say,

373
00:27:12.460 --> 00:27:15.260
well, I only talk to one person at a time.

374
00:27:15.260 --> 00:27:16.360
Nothing wrong with it,

375
00:27:17.660 --> 00:27:21.180
but know how to handle yourself with one person at a time.

376
00:27:21.180 --> 00:27:23.680
Know how not to fantasize and go into the future

377
00:27:23.680 --> 00:27:24.780
with one person at a time.

378
00:27:24.780 --> 00:27:26.980
When they check some boxes that you have,

379
00:27:26.980 --> 00:27:28.660
you've not been a fruit inspector yet,

380
00:27:28.660 --> 00:27:31.500
but they check boxes because they said they love Jesus.

381
00:27:32.920 --> 00:27:33.760
Right?

382
00:27:33.760 --> 00:27:35.340
They said.

383
00:27:35.340 --> 00:27:36.940
They said.

384
00:27:36.940 --> 00:27:39.300
As long as you're in the they said stage

385
00:27:40.260 --> 00:27:43.420
and we need some more observation, is that right?

386
00:27:43.420 --> 00:27:45.540
Because that's what they said.

387
00:27:45.540 --> 00:27:48.780
This is not like a conspiracy theory, it's just truth.

388
00:27:48.780 --> 00:27:53.620
They said, I said, I was going to not eat sugar yesterday

389
00:27:53.620 --> 00:27:55.780
and here it is Tuesday, I ate some more sugar today,

390
00:27:55.780 --> 00:27:56.860
but that's what I said.

391
00:27:56.860 --> 00:27:57.980
And most people who know me,

392
00:27:57.980 --> 00:27:59.660
I've really been speaking with my word,

393
00:27:59.660 --> 00:28:02.040
but I shouldn't have went on a sugar binge this weekend

394
00:28:02.040 --> 00:28:04.100
because I am like fighting sugar like this,

395
00:28:04.100 --> 00:28:08.780
like get back, get back, I just want to make it.

396
00:28:08.780 --> 00:28:12.500
And so here I am day two, ate some more sugar yesterday.

397
00:28:12.500 --> 00:28:14.180
And then I hear it come back around again.

398
00:28:14.180 --> 00:28:16.300
I just, I had all my protein.

399
00:28:16.300 --> 00:28:19.440
I'm like, come on sugar, leave me alone.

400
00:28:19.440 --> 00:28:20.280
Right?

401
00:28:20.280 --> 00:28:23.300
So anyway, we are fruit inspectors.

402
00:28:23.980 --> 00:28:24.820
We really, really are.

403
00:28:24.820 --> 00:28:27.660
And so whichever way you decide to do dating as a skill,

404
00:28:27.660 --> 00:28:29.300
whether you date one person at a time

405
00:28:29.300 --> 00:28:31.540
or you date three people at a time,

406
00:28:31.540 --> 00:28:33.980
or you date two people at a time,

407
00:28:33.980 --> 00:28:37.160
you want to find balance for you and what you can handle.

408
00:28:38.180 --> 00:28:40.300
And you learn yourself.

409
00:28:40.300 --> 00:28:41.980
If you know you get very anxious,

410
00:28:41.980 --> 00:28:46.440
it may be best for you to keep yourself very, very busy,

411
00:28:47.300 --> 00:28:48.260
very busy.

412
00:28:49.140 --> 00:28:50.620
So you're not going to talk to somebody else,

413
00:28:50.620 --> 00:28:52.500
keep yourself busy, keep yourself so busy

414
00:28:52.500 --> 00:28:53.660
that you're not looking for your phone

415
00:28:53.660 --> 00:28:54.860
to see if they responded.

416
00:28:54.860 --> 00:28:57.000
But now I'm telling you when that text come through,

417
00:28:57.000 --> 00:28:58.620
it is sweet.

418
00:28:58.620 --> 00:29:03.220
But you know, let's do something else.

419
00:29:03.220 --> 00:29:04.220
Get your attention somewhere.

420
00:29:04.220 --> 00:29:05.660
That's a really good thing to do.

421
00:29:05.660 --> 00:29:07.100
All right?

422
00:29:07.100 --> 00:29:09.860
So pain, frustration, it all gives us a signal

423
00:29:09.860 --> 00:29:11.660
that something is happening in our heart.

424
00:29:11.660 --> 00:29:15.260
So when we feel that pain, when we feel that frustration,

425
00:29:15.260 --> 00:29:17.340
when it's just overwhelming to us,

426
00:29:17.340 --> 00:29:20.320
we have to stop and say, okay, what is this about?

427
00:29:21.320 --> 00:29:25.520
And this is where the dating for discovery comes in.

428
00:29:25.520 --> 00:29:27.840
You're discovering something about yourself.

429
00:29:27.840 --> 00:29:29.520
You're getting these clues to say,

430
00:29:29.520 --> 00:29:33.680
hey, something's going on in here and I need some attention.

431
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:37.960
So in dating, it's genius to use dating

432
00:29:37.960 --> 00:29:40.200
as a way to discover and grow

433
00:29:40.200 --> 00:29:44.520
because nobody can get to your heart

434
00:29:44.520 --> 00:29:47.620
the way a man that you like can.

435
00:29:48.620 --> 00:29:50.940
Your sister and brother can tell you no,

436
00:29:50.940 --> 00:29:52.660
but the rejection from the opposite sex

437
00:29:52.660 --> 00:29:55.260
of somebody you may like, it feels totally different.

438
00:29:56.440 --> 00:29:59.500
It has a way of touching in places nothing else can touch.

439
00:29:59.500 --> 00:30:00.340
Being vulnerable.

440
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.240
in that way, right?

441
00:30:03.240 --> 00:30:06.440
That is a very, it's just good training ground.

442
00:30:07.880 --> 00:30:09.880
You have to feel all the feels

443
00:30:09.880 --> 00:30:13.480
because when you're feeling it feel good, it feels so good.

444
00:30:13.480 --> 00:30:15.080
I don't know if I've ever felt anything

445
00:30:15.080 --> 00:30:16.600
that felt more exciting and good

446
00:30:16.600 --> 00:30:19.040
than when a man, a boy meets girl.

447
00:30:19.040 --> 00:30:22.760
And it's like, hey, you get filled with so much hope

448
00:30:22.760 --> 00:30:24.520
and all of the dopamine

449
00:30:24.520 --> 00:30:26.480
and all this fun stuff starts happening.

450
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:28.360
You don't want to let it go.

451
00:30:28.360 --> 00:30:30.720
And then, but at the same time,

452
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:33.520
that's why in one day you can go up high

453
00:30:33.520 --> 00:30:35.560
and just drop to the ground.

454
00:30:35.560 --> 00:30:36.840
And then when you hear their voice on the phone,

455
00:30:36.840 --> 00:30:40.000
it's like, hey, everything disappeared.

456
00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:42.440
I don't know if that happens to all of y'all,

457
00:30:42.440 --> 00:30:45.000
but if they would just get on his phone with his FaceTime,

458
00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:45.920
maybe I feel better.

459
00:30:45.920 --> 00:30:46.960
And sometimes you do,

460
00:30:46.960 --> 00:30:48.920
and you forget all about the roller coaster

461
00:30:48.920 --> 00:30:50.560
you were on before they got there.

462
00:30:50.560 --> 00:30:53.040
That tells you something about you.

463
00:30:53.040 --> 00:30:54.680
If you want a roller coaster,

464
00:30:54.680 --> 00:30:55.920
and then when you heard their voice,

465
00:30:55.920 --> 00:30:57.720
the roller coaster is no longer there,

466
00:30:57.760 --> 00:30:59.560
then you have to ask yourself the question,

467
00:30:59.560 --> 00:31:02.320
why I'm on a roller coaster if I'm not talking to them?

468
00:31:04.200 --> 00:31:05.040
You shouldn't be on,

469
00:31:05.040 --> 00:31:07.720
your nervous system should be on the roller coaster

470
00:31:07.720 --> 00:31:09.240
and then get out the roller coaster

471
00:31:09.240 --> 00:31:12.760
when you talk to them, right?

472
00:31:12.760 --> 00:31:15.160
And so that tells us, hey, what's going on?

473
00:31:16.760 --> 00:31:19.320
You don't want pain to give you a permanent label.

474
00:31:19.320 --> 00:31:21.440
And most of the times before we get heart healing,

475
00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:22.520
pain does that.

476
00:31:23.640 --> 00:31:25.520
It could have been pain from your dad,

477
00:31:25.520 --> 00:31:26.960
pain from your mom.

478
00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:28.840
It gives you, give yourself a permanent label,

479
00:31:28.840 --> 00:31:30.600
like I'm not worthy of love.

480
00:31:30.600 --> 00:31:33.400
The little girl believes I'm not worthy of love.

481
00:31:34.600 --> 00:31:37.200
I'm not, you know, I'm not good enough.

482
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:39.120
If I was, my parents would have cared about me,

483
00:31:39.120 --> 00:31:40.240
or they would have stuck around,

484
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:41.280
or my dad wouldn't have left,

485
00:31:41.280 --> 00:31:43.040
or that wouldn't have worked so much.

486
00:31:43.040 --> 00:31:44.400
We process things that way.

487
00:31:44.400 --> 00:31:47.280
So when we're young, we put a lot of labels on ourselves.

488
00:31:47.280 --> 00:31:48.520
You don't know it.

489
00:31:48.520 --> 00:31:50.560
It is sneaky and crafty of the enemy,

490
00:31:50.560 --> 00:31:51.680
but a label gets there.

491
00:31:51.680 --> 00:31:53.200
And then we live out that label

492
00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:55.440
until we decide to take it off of us

493
00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:57.240
and give ourself a new label.

494
00:31:57.240 --> 00:31:59.200
That new label, as you learn in hard work,

495
00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:00.280
it's a new identity.

496
00:32:00.280 --> 00:32:02.880
And that identity comes from heaven.

497
00:32:02.880 --> 00:32:04.120
And sometimes you can believe

498
00:32:04.120 --> 00:32:06.200
you can love yourself into something,

499
00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:08.560
but I don't know how successful we are

500
00:32:08.560 --> 00:32:10.080
with loving ourself into something

501
00:32:10.080 --> 00:32:12.200
because we actually don't have the love to give ourself.

502
00:32:12.200 --> 00:32:13.480
It comes from somewhere.

503
00:32:14.320 --> 00:32:16.760
If we had our own love within us,

504
00:32:16.760 --> 00:32:19.000
then whatever our mother and father did

505
00:32:19.000 --> 00:32:21.120
may not be as effective in our lives.

506
00:32:21.120 --> 00:32:23.920
Love comes from somewhere, it's given to us.

507
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:26.560
That's why we love the way we were once loved.

508
00:32:28.160 --> 00:32:31.080
You give of what was given to you.

509
00:32:31.080 --> 00:32:33.680
So if you were given bitterness, brokenness, hurt and pain,

510
00:32:33.680 --> 00:32:35.240
you usually give it back out.

511
00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:40.720
That is the bowl, the table, the plate that you ate from.

512
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:43.320
It's gonna be hard to produce who you are not

513
00:32:43.320 --> 00:32:45.000
unless some intervention happens

514
00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:46.960
and you redefine who you are.

515
00:32:47.880 --> 00:32:52.520
I remember one day I kept saying,

516
00:32:52.520 --> 00:32:55.320
this is probably, I don't know, almost a year ago now.

517
00:32:55.320 --> 00:32:59.160
I'm just, I am just, what was I saying?

518
00:32:59.160 --> 00:33:02.840
Like I used to be anxious, but this is this love.

519
00:33:02.840 --> 00:33:05.040
I was like, I'm being avoided and I'm being this,

520
00:33:05.040 --> 00:33:06.960
or I just kept speaking about

521
00:33:06.960 --> 00:33:09.640
what this attachment style was I was experiencing.

522
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:11.840
And I was on the highway and the Lord said,

523
00:33:11.840 --> 00:33:14.320
Ebony, you don't have to give someone fragments

524
00:33:14.320 --> 00:33:16.360
and broken love.

525
00:33:16.360 --> 00:33:19.760
I have given you perfect love that I've poured into you.

526
00:33:19.760 --> 00:33:22.240
You do not have to give someone and avoid it.

527
00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:24.640
You don't have to give them an anxious attachment.

528
00:33:24.640 --> 00:33:28.600
You can give them from the outpouring that I put in you.

529
00:33:28.600 --> 00:33:33.000
Do not continue to give people broken pieces.

530
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:36.120
Give them the best that I've given you.

531
00:33:37.200 --> 00:33:39.560
That reshaped my mind because the truth is

532
00:33:39.560 --> 00:33:41.920
the love of God does live on the inside of me.

533
00:33:41.920 --> 00:33:46.000
And though my upbringing programmed me a certain way,

534
00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:48.480
I don't have to come under their program.

535
00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:50.160
I can rebel against it.

536
00:33:50.160 --> 00:33:51.720
I can say no.

537
00:33:53.320 --> 00:33:56.960
I don't have to give somebody what was given to me,

538
00:33:56.960 --> 00:33:59.120
especially when I become self-aware

539
00:33:59.120 --> 00:34:01.720
and I have the tools to help myself.

540
00:34:02.600 --> 00:34:04.000
Does that make sense?

541
00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:06.720
All of us have the tools because we've been through hard work

542
00:34:06.720 --> 00:34:08.440
and you can always go back into that phase

543
00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:10.360
and grab the tools that you need,

544
00:34:10.360 --> 00:34:14.000
but we do not have to give people what was given to us.

545
00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:16.440
Especially when you've been introduced to Jesus

546
00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:18.840
and you have a new love that's running through you,

547
00:34:18.840 --> 00:34:21.560
give them from the good supply that you have.

548
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:23.760
And if you don't know how to do it,

549
00:34:23.760 --> 00:34:25.040
that's why we date for discovery,

550
00:34:25.040 --> 00:34:26.719
so you can learn how to do it.

551
00:34:28.520 --> 00:34:30.560
And so you don't have to sit on a roller coaster

552
00:34:30.560 --> 00:34:32.040
until they call you again.

553
00:34:35.520 --> 00:34:37.480
You don't, right?

554
00:34:37.480 --> 00:34:40.400
Yep, I'm glad that makes sense.

555
00:34:40.400 --> 00:34:42.920
So we wanna stay away from labels

556
00:34:42.920 --> 00:34:45.120
and this has a lot to do with emotional awareness

557
00:34:45.120 --> 00:34:46.920
and I'm gonna kind of speed this up.

558
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:51.880
Let me say this.

559
00:34:54.480 --> 00:34:57.480
So Jackie talked about attachment and mother wounds

560
00:34:57.480 --> 00:34:59.560
on Saturday, who was on that call?

561
00:34:59.560 --> 00:35:00.400
Attachment.

562
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.040
and in mother wounds, yeah, okay.

563
00:35:02.040 --> 00:35:05.280
And so our current relationships,

564
00:35:05.280 --> 00:35:06.440
and this is what I was just saying to you,

565
00:35:06.440 --> 00:35:08.840
often get filtered through old relationships

566
00:35:08.840 --> 00:35:11.320
or old patterns, the old way we've learned.

567
00:35:11.320 --> 00:35:13.080
The brain just keeps on repeat

568
00:35:13.080 --> 00:35:15.540
until the mind gives it a new program.

569
00:35:15.540 --> 00:35:18.000
It runs a new program, creates new neural paths

570
00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:19.800
in which you will process things.

571
00:35:19.800 --> 00:35:22.000
And the brain will do that repeated behavior.

572
00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:23.400
It takes a while to penetrate it.

573
00:35:23.400 --> 00:35:24.600
The mind will tell the brain

574
00:35:24.600 --> 00:35:26.400
and the brain will create these new pathways

575
00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:28.400
and there you have a new pattern of love.

576
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:30.480
So current relations often get filtered

577
00:35:30.480 --> 00:35:31.880
through these old patterns.

578
00:35:31.880 --> 00:35:35.660
So that means anxiety becomes a label, I'm too much.

579
00:35:37.540 --> 00:35:40.480
I believe for the longest that I was too much.

580
00:35:40.480 --> 00:35:43.220
I'm a bit much, I can't feel the space of a room.

581
00:35:44.200 --> 00:35:45.340
But that was the truth.

582
00:35:45.340 --> 00:35:47.680
So I labeled my, I mean, that's what I felt was the truth.

583
00:35:47.680 --> 00:35:49.600
So I labeled myself, I'm too much.

584
00:35:49.600 --> 00:35:53.160
Or you shut down and shut down becomes like,

585
00:35:53.160 --> 00:35:54.200
I don't need anybody.

586
00:35:55.240 --> 00:35:57.240
We got any shutters downers in here, forget it.

587
00:35:57.240 --> 00:35:58.360
I don't need nobody.

588
00:35:58.360 --> 00:36:01.960
I'm doing my stuff, I don't need nobody.

589
00:36:01.960 --> 00:36:05.800
Or push and pull becomes, this is just how I love.

590
00:36:05.800 --> 00:36:07.520
This is just how I am.

591
00:36:07.520 --> 00:36:11.400
Sometimes I feel like it, sometimes I don't, whatever.

592
00:36:11.400 --> 00:36:13.120
You gonna be with me, you just got to put up with it.

593
00:36:13.120 --> 00:36:14.280
This is just who I am.

594
00:36:15.600 --> 00:36:18.280
But now let a man do it to you, oh, ah.

595
00:36:19.920 --> 00:36:21.760
It's just, you know, it's so interesting

596
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:23.840
that we can notice how other people show up.

597
00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:27.240
A lot of times we're not noticing how we're showing up.

598
00:36:27.240 --> 00:36:29.360
And it's a big deal.

599
00:36:29.360 --> 00:36:31.800
And so what we wanna do is our nervous system

600
00:36:31.800 --> 00:36:35.140
is just remembering the prerecorded thing.

601
00:36:36.560 --> 00:36:40.000
The brain operates through the same pattern.

602
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:43.840
So let's say me and Sydney, we walked up to a dog

603
00:36:43.840 --> 00:36:45.960
and I'm afraid of dogs and she's not.

604
00:36:45.960 --> 00:36:48.260
And this dog is barking some kind of fierce.

605
00:36:48.260 --> 00:36:50.280
As soon as that dog start barking fierce,

606
00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:52.680
my brain remembers that dog can harm me.

607
00:36:52.680 --> 00:36:54.880
It alerts my nervous system to be afraid,

608
00:36:54.880 --> 00:36:57.080
but she never gets afraid

609
00:36:57.080 --> 00:36:59.320
because she don't believe that the dog could hurt her.

610
00:36:59.320 --> 00:37:01.000
We're in the same situation,

611
00:37:01.000 --> 00:37:03.160
but we're having two different experiences.

612
00:37:03.160 --> 00:37:04.740
Are you guys tracking with me?

613
00:37:04.740 --> 00:37:06.840
Same thing, two different experiences.

614
00:37:06.840 --> 00:37:09.680
And so our nervous system is just remembering.

615
00:37:09.680 --> 00:37:12.520
Our brain already has a pattern that's laid.

616
00:37:12.520 --> 00:37:15.200
And you're interpreting your present circumstances

617
00:37:15.200 --> 00:37:16.560
through past experiences.

618
00:37:17.540 --> 00:37:19.080
Most of all of us do that.

619
00:37:19.080 --> 00:37:21.440
That is the purpose of the nervous system.

620
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:22.920
That is the purpose of the brain.

621
00:37:22.920 --> 00:37:25.360
That's why we have to give it new pathways,

622
00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:29.340
new ways to process situations.

623
00:37:29.340 --> 00:37:30.920
So when somebody says no,

624
00:37:30.920 --> 00:37:32.660
you don't always see it as a rejection

625
00:37:32.660 --> 00:37:34.320
because you take your mind and your brain

626
00:37:34.320 --> 00:37:35.520
are two different things.

627
00:37:35.520 --> 00:37:38.280
Now the Bible says to renew your mind in Christ daily.

628
00:37:38.280 --> 00:37:39.440
As you renew your mind,

629
00:37:39.440 --> 00:37:41.860
your mind tells your brain a new way to do something.

630
00:37:41.860 --> 00:37:43.640
You create these new neural paths.

631
00:37:43.640 --> 00:37:45.240
All of a sudden that changes.

632
00:37:45.240 --> 00:37:46.240
And then when it happens,

633
00:37:46.240 --> 00:37:47.920
your nervous system doesn't get under alarm

634
00:37:47.920 --> 00:37:50.320
because the brain is not saying we're in danger.

635
00:37:51.440 --> 00:37:52.920
Y'all got me with that?

636
00:37:52.920 --> 00:37:54.320
Yeah, okay.

637
00:37:54.320 --> 00:37:56.560
I know I repeated it like two times or three times,

638
00:37:56.560 --> 00:37:58.640
but sometimes people look like they're not getting it.

639
00:37:58.640 --> 00:38:01.340
And I need to hear stuff two or three times sometimes.

640
00:38:01.340 --> 00:38:03.080
So I've just seen it again.

641
00:38:03.080 --> 00:38:04.600
So what we wanna do,

642
00:38:04.600 --> 00:38:07.240
we wanna pause before we assign meaning.

643
00:38:07.240 --> 00:38:09.960
This has been one of the most challenging things for me.

644
00:38:11.360 --> 00:38:14.520
I'm gonna tell you ladies something, just a little secret.

645
00:38:14.520 --> 00:38:17.520
Sometimes we don't pause before we assign meaning

646
00:38:17.520 --> 00:38:19.720
because we're trying to protect ourselves.

647
00:38:20.560 --> 00:38:23.920
You want to quickly make a decision

648
00:38:23.920 --> 00:38:26.540
so that you can protect yourself.

649
00:38:26.540 --> 00:38:29.880
So you'll notice on the wall when people post,

650
00:38:29.880 --> 00:38:31.540
well, is this a red flag?

651
00:38:31.540 --> 00:38:34.040
Does this just mean that he's not masculine?

652
00:38:34.040 --> 00:38:35.680
Does this just mean he's not mature?

653
00:38:35.680 --> 00:38:38.060
Well, he only said one thing.

654
00:38:38.060 --> 00:38:40.680
Are we gonna define the man from one comment?

655
00:38:42.600 --> 00:38:44.960
When you do that, I am telling you,

656
00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:46.200
that's a signal to you

657
00:38:46.200 --> 00:38:48.960
that you're trying to protect yourself.

658
00:38:48.960 --> 00:38:50.960
You're saying, I'm gonna make a decision

659
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:52.760
because I'm not willing to go through this process.

660
00:38:52.760 --> 00:38:56.040
You know, your brain says, I know how this goes.

661
00:38:56.040 --> 00:38:57.840
I'm gonna go ahead and deal with this right now

662
00:38:57.840 --> 00:38:59.060
before it deals with me.

663
00:39:00.800 --> 00:39:02.380
It look like this is what you're doing.

664
00:39:02.380 --> 00:39:04.280
I feel better just saying this is what you're doing.

665
00:39:04.280 --> 00:39:05.480
I'm finna move on about my business

666
00:39:05.480 --> 00:39:07.880
because I ain't got time for no stuff like this.

667
00:39:09.000 --> 00:39:10.220
It's protection.

668
00:39:11.400 --> 00:39:13.120
And then you say it to us and we're like,

669
00:39:13.120 --> 00:39:16.160
well, did you consider or did you consider?

670
00:39:16.160 --> 00:39:18.080
And it's just like, golly.

671
00:39:20.040 --> 00:39:21.440
And I used to get so upset.

672
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:23.680
I'm like, look, it's a yes, till it's a no.

673
00:39:23.680 --> 00:39:25.000
What does that even mean?

674
00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:26.600
I'm just like, what does that even mean?

675
00:39:26.600 --> 00:39:29.080
You think I'm finna date somebody three times

676
00:39:29.080 --> 00:39:30.280
to get made a fool of?

677
00:39:30.280 --> 00:39:31.920
What is this stuff you're talking?

678
00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:33.560
No.

679
00:39:33.560 --> 00:39:36.960
But the reason why it's hard sometimes

680
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:38.840
to do a yes until it's a no

681
00:39:38.840 --> 00:39:42.400
is because we are sometimes not knowing it,

682
00:39:42.400 --> 00:39:45.720
but we're dating for definites.

683
00:39:46.640 --> 00:39:49.640
We're dating for either you are or you aren't.

684
00:39:49.640 --> 00:39:51.560
And the reason as a coach I can say to you

685
00:39:51.560 --> 00:39:53.280
it's a yes until it's a no,

686
00:39:53.280 --> 00:39:57.560
because I am operating through the perception

687
00:39:57.560 --> 00:40:00.160
of understanding that you're dating for discovery.

688
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.080
And it is a no when you get done, I measure how much you've learned through those three

689
00:40:06.080 --> 00:40:07.080
dates.

690
00:40:07.080 --> 00:40:12.680
I measure how much you've learned about yourself, how much experience you've had.

691
00:40:12.680 --> 00:40:14.120
That's what I'm measuring.

692
00:40:14.120 --> 00:40:18.640
And so I want you to stay in it until it's a yes, until it's a no, because I know how

693
00:40:18.640 --> 00:40:22.400
much you're going to grow from it.

694
00:40:22.400 --> 00:40:28.800
But a lot of times we're thinking, I'm about to get to the third date and this ain't it.

695
00:40:28.800 --> 00:40:31.160
Just give me one date and that's it, right?

696
00:40:31.160 --> 00:40:32.160
So it's a protection.

697
00:40:32.160 --> 00:40:33.960
We want to go ahead, shut things down.

698
00:40:33.960 --> 00:40:36.520
We ain't got to go down that road.

699
00:40:36.520 --> 00:40:41.680
So we don't want to start attaching labels to things, to what happens.

700
00:40:41.680 --> 00:40:45.760
We have to be, another way you can identify, like I just said, they do one thing and you

701
00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:47.600
make a decision about it.

702
00:40:47.600 --> 00:40:52.680
As soon as you do that, unless it's really strong, like they make a sexual comment, something

703
00:40:52.680 --> 00:40:53.680
like that.

704
00:40:53.680 --> 00:40:54.680
Well, that's a no-go.

705
00:40:54.680 --> 00:40:55.680
Right?

706
00:40:55.680 --> 00:41:03.840
So I'm not talking about things like that, but if it's something, determine if it's you,

707
00:41:03.840 --> 00:41:06.840
like are you processing through an old thought pattern?

708
00:41:06.840 --> 00:41:10.480
Are you saying in the back of your mind, I know where this is going.

709
00:41:10.480 --> 00:41:12.600
I'm not doing this.

710
00:41:12.600 --> 00:41:16.120
If you say that, you know, for a fact, you're basing it off an old experience because you

711
00:41:16.120 --> 00:41:21.760
don't even know that person, right?

712
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:24.200
And it is adjustable, right?

713
00:41:24.200 --> 00:41:26.680
To what actually is being said or done.

714
00:41:26.680 --> 00:41:28.360
What story am I attaching to it?

715
00:41:28.360 --> 00:41:33.400
Ladies, have you ever had one thing happen and you create a whole story about it?

716
00:41:33.400 --> 00:41:34.400
Anybody?

717
00:41:34.400 --> 00:41:35.400
Yeah.

718
00:41:35.400 --> 00:41:39.720
I do it pretty often.

719
00:41:39.720 --> 00:41:44.320
And that's why I keep strong community around me that says, Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait,

720
00:41:44.320 --> 00:41:45.760
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

721
00:41:45.760 --> 00:41:51.720
I'm like, no, because yes, you kind of owe it to me.

722
00:41:52.680 --> 00:41:56.800
No, because, and they're like, that's not true.

723
00:41:56.800 --> 00:41:59.320
My sister is very genius for this.

724
00:41:59.320 --> 00:42:00.320
That's not true.

725
00:42:00.320 --> 00:42:03.320
I don't care what I'm saying, but that's not true.

726
00:42:03.320 --> 00:42:04.320
That's not true.

727
00:42:04.320 --> 00:42:06.320
And then by the time I get through, I was like, yeah, you're right.

728
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:07.320
That's not true.

729
00:42:07.320 --> 00:42:08.320
So what you think I should do?

730
00:42:08.320 --> 00:42:13.160
I think you should pace yourself and I think you should wait.

731
00:42:13.160 --> 00:42:21.680
And all the alarms in me are going, because I know that I am, um, I have a propensity

732
00:42:21.680 --> 00:42:22.680
to do this.

733
00:42:22.680 --> 00:42:30.680
I keep people around me that I'm willing to submit to and take what they say, right?

734
00:42:30.680 --> 00:42:37.840
And the fact that my nervous system is going out this way, I know that, um, I am projecting.

735
00:42:37.840 --> 00:42:42.840
I know that I'm putting labels on things and I know that this does not serve me.

736
00:42:42.840 --> 00:42:47.480
I know that when I don't want to pace is because I'm trying to get to an outcome and

737
00:42:47.480 --> 00:42:54.200
I'm trying to protect myself because pacing is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

738
00:42:54.200 --> 00:43:03.040
And when you refuse to pace yourself, you have been negligent of your own heart.

739
00:43:03.040 --> 00:43:08.400
You you're not even guarding your own heart with all diligence.

740
00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:10.520
And I want you to let that sink in.

741
00:43:10.640 --> 00:43:17.400
If you refuse to pace, if you decide I'm going to fantasize every day, I don't talk to them.

742
00:43:17.400 --> 00:43:23.800
I'm going to put my stake in the ground and say, this is the one I know it is, then you

743
00:43:23.800 --> 00:43:27.760
are the one that's not guarding your own heart without diligence.

744
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:33.680
You're the one that's not putting you first because whether somebody is the one or not,

745
00:43:33.680 --> 00:43:35.080
you still have to grow.

746
00:43:35.840 --> 00:43:42.920
And if you go too fast on the front end, now, ladies, the more you like a person, the more

747
00:43:42.920 --> 00:43:46.440
you're going to be near a person, the more you're going to want to be near a person,

748
00:43:46.440 --> 00:43:51.680
probably more you're going to want to rub and touch and feel their skin and lay up against

749
00:43:51.680 --> 00:43:56.600
them. Like even my students or even my nieces and nephews, when they come over, I'm laying

750
00:43:56.600 --> 00:44:00.680
them on my shoulder, my nieces and nephews, my students, I'm hugging them.

751
00:44:00.680 --> 00:44:05.440
I'm like touching their little faces because I'm trying to get that skin contact so they

752
00:44:05.440 --> 00:44:10.600
can feel my love, so they can feel warmth of affection of an adult that loves them,

753
00:44:10.600 --> 00:44:11.720
that cares about them.

754
00:44:11.960 --> 00:44:13.600
So these are natural things.

755
00:44:13.760 --> 00:44:18.520
OK, and so we want to pacing really helps us along the way.

756
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:25.680
It helps give you it gives you time to inspect the fruit and all the things you need to do.

757
00:44:25.960 --> 00:44:32.240
All right. Now, remember, rejection is not your identity.

758
00:44:32.240 --> 00:44:33.600
Pain is not your identity.

759
00:44:33.600 --> 00:44:34.920
And this one we overlook.

760
00:44:34.920 --> 00:44:37.240
Discomfort is not your identity.

761
00:44:38.240 --> 00:44:41.440
A lot of stuff we do because we don't want to be in discomfort.

762
00:44:42.680 --> 00:44:44.920
Discomfort is a part of this process.

763
00:44:44.920 --> 00:44:49.960
Some of you probably feel it right now because God didn't do what you said do yesterday or

764
00:44:49.960 --> 00:44:53.920
what you thought was going to do the day before or as soon as you got out of hard work, you

765
00:44:53.960 --> 00:44:55.720
were going to meet your knight in shining armor.

766
00:44:56.080 --> 00:44:57.200
That's discomfort.

767
00:44:57.480 --> 00:44:59.760
This process of waiting is called.

768
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.720
discomfort. You're frustrated because you're uncomfortable and you're in a belief process.

769
00:45:04.720 --> 00:45:13.760
And the Bible says that, oh, I can't believe I forgot the scripture in Proverbs. It says that

770
00:45:13.760 --> 00:45:22.400
hope deferred makes the heart sick. Hope deferred, hope that keeps waiting and waiting and waiting

771
00:45:22.400 --> 00:45:30.320
makes the heart sick, but promises fulfilled are a tree of life. And so this process is a process

772
00:45:30.320 --> 00:45:35.600
of discomfort, but it doesn't have to be. Two things could be true at the same time. You can

773
00:45:35.600 --> 00:45:42.720
be discomfort and you can be growing like a mad woman. You can becoming powerful. You can be filled

774
00:45:42.720 --> 00:45:48.160
with capacity. You can watch the boundary lines fall for you in pleasant places. You can walk

775
00:45:48.160 --> 00:45:55.040
down a path where you never lose and you always win. You can walk down a path where you bear

776
00:45:55.040 --> 00:46:00.880
fruit downward, where you bear root down and you bear fruit upward. This can be your journey.

777
00:46:02.960 --> 00:46:09.280
It doesn't have to be one of complete sadness, lack of joy because you don't have a husband yet.

778
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:15.280
So much more to be had. Okay, so we're going to do some activation this week. We're going to take

779
00:46:15.280 --> 00:46:20.720
some time sitting in our feelings. All right, sitting in our feelings. That's what the activation

780
00:46:20.720 --> 00:46:24.800
is going to be about. Noticing when you feel sad or when you feel happy or when you feel rejected

781
00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:30.320
or when you feel discomfort. Because most of the time we don't even sit in it. We find something

782
00:46:30.320 --> 00:46:34.240
else to do. We'll scroll or anything. You can find anything to do just to get away from this

783
00:46:34.240 --> 00:46:38.960
discomfort. For us on dating apps, have you ever been talking to somebody and you already see it

784
00:46:38.960 --> 00:46:42.960
ain't going to work? Then you just start scrolling for somebody else. Like, oh, on to the next person.

785
00:46:43.920 --> 00:46:46.880
Some of that is the avoidance of the discomfort.

786
00:46:48.080 --> 00:46:51.520
There's nothing wrong with it. I mean, that's just how it works. Oh, on to the next. You didn't say

787
00:46:51.520 --> 00:46:56.000
nothing. Okay, on to the next. We're going to move on before this even fizzles out because I don't

788
00:46:56.000 --> 00:47:01.120
want to feel what it's like not to kind of have that little thing right there. That's just called

789
00:47:01.120 --> 00:47:08.000
discomfort and it's challenging to sit in discomfort. So this is a, I know we have questions,

790
00:47:08.160 --> 00:47:15.280
but there's an activity I want us to do. It's activation. And so this is a creative expression

791
00:47:16.560 --> 00:47:19.840
and you're going to choose what speaks to you. So there's no pressure to do everything,

792
00:47:19.840 --> 00:47:24.400
but we want you to simply choose one expression. And I'm going to pick the expression for you.

793
00:47:25.360 --> 00:47:31.280
Think I'm going to pick it for you. I want you ladies to pick a song that reflects who you are

794
00:47:31.280 --> 00:47:38.640
becoming in God. Not what you feel in the moment. A lot of us feel a lot of things right now.

795
00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:45.440
Okay. So let's just sit that on the back to the side, back burner. You can kick it out the house

796
00:47:45.440 --> 00:47:51.920
if you want to be much better. But I want you to pick a song that reflects who you are becoming

797
00:47:51.920 --> 00:47:58.240
in God right now. I'm thinking about it. Once you think of this song, I want you to post the title

798
00:47:58.240 --> 00:48:08.480
in the chat and tell us what that reminds you of. So if the song is like someone just

799
00:48:08.480 --> 00:48:13.600
posted coming out of hiding or this little light of mine, I want you to also say like,

800
00:48:13.600 --> 00:48:20.240
this reminds me that God sees me as. Okay. In any way you want to use those words,

801
00:48:20.240 --> 00:48:24.480
you don't have to use my exact sentence stem. You may not remember, but once you pick the song,

802
00:48:24.960 --> 00:48:30.960
tell us how that this reminds you that God sees you as what? This little light of mine

803
00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:35.520
or this reminds me that God sees me as whatever it is based on the song that you have.

804
00:48:38.160 --> 00:48:40.960
Any questions about that? Are we all together on that?

805
00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:46.320
Yeah. If you do just unmute and go for the question.

806
00:48:47.200 --> 00:48:53.200
And if you want to, you can unmute and quickly tell us the story. I mean, tell us the song and

807
00:48:54.320 --> 00:48:58.800
a quickly less than 30 seconds. Well, it reminds you that God sees you as what?

808
00:48:59.680 --> 00:49:05.760
Also you say I'm love. God sees me as he is and he loves me. That's good. God wants me to

809
00:49:05.760 --> 00:49:12.240
shine his light on other. That's nice. Let's see. I'm going to go ahead and pick a song.

810
00:49:12.240 --> 00:49:20.480
God wants me to shine his light on other. That's nice. Luanna rest on us. Can you give us some more

811
00:49:20.480 --> 00:49:26.080
with that too? I know you had already posted it. Life is good by Forrest Frank. It reminds me that

812
00:49:26.080 --> 00:49:32.160
God is calling me to let go of anxiety and see how he is good. That is that song that talks about

813
00:49:32.160 --> 00:49:40.720
the spirit filling up the room, making your heart pound and stuff. I think that's very much where

814
00:49:40.720 --> 00:49:52.320
I'm at, where I'm just allowing the Holy Spirit to change me. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. That's

815
00:49:52.320 --> 00:49:59.920
so good. The first song that came to mind is fears not my future. Come on. Yes. These are

816
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.120
so great my mind is a blank on some currently totally understand you know some of us may

817
00:50:05.120 --> 00:50:09.840
begin candy girl you all know it doesn't have to be a worship song like there could be songs

818
00:50:09.840 --> 00:50:16.480
that describe you know like i'm coming out i want the world to know to let it show

819
00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:23.280
right this could be your coming out season you're coming out time you you're no longer hiding

820
00:50:23.280 --> 00:50:34.160
my faith fights reminds me that he says is what i will stand for regardless of what's coming against

821
00:50:34.160 --> 00:50:38.960
me come on way maker this remind me that even when i don't see what i'm believing for coming

822
00:50:38.960 --> 00:50:44.400
to pass i can still believe yes he's always working that's a good one worthy of it all

823
00:50:44.400 --> 00:50:49.680
helps remind me of his glory how much he deserves our worship i'm getting ready for overflow come

824
00:50:50.640 --> 00:51:01.600
come on through by tasha cobbs yes oh i've never heard this song by um oliver is it chi wa

825
00:51:01.600 --> 00:51:07.440
chi woo y'all i wish i knew my phonics a little better but i'm getting twisted up with that w

826
00:51:07.440 --> 00:51:12.560
then the a and then that e um gratitude needs to be the way i live and continue

827
00:51:13.360 --> 00:51:15.680
oh it is french thank you rachel

828
00:51:21.360 --> 00:51:23.200
oh you can't be nobody but yourself

829
00:51:24.800 --> 00:51:32.080
fran you looked at me like come on like it was not like something bad it was the smile on your face

830
00:51:32.800 --> 00:51:36.640
um and thinking about it a lot for years now my future let him turn you in your favor watching

831
00:51:37.360 --> 00:51:45.280
good something yeah one song that had been kind of ringing through the corridors of my heart was

832
00:51:45.280 --> 00:51:55.040
it is well with my soul and um sometimes it's hard for me to say it but a lot of the places that the

833
00:51:55.040 --> 00:52:00.880
lord has me and bring me so much excitement and it's indeed well with my soul so i try not to

834
00:52:00.880 --> 00:52:06.160
compare it as well with my soul with saying to well god you know if you don't come through for

835
00:52:06.160 --> 00:52:13.120
the next few years i'm okay that is not my statement but it is indeed well with my soul um

836
00:52:13.120 --> 00:52:17.600
and it's just it's so nice when the soul is at risk and it's not wrestling with you

837
00:52:19.040 --> 00:52:22.400
right there when it comes into alignment with what heaven is doing in your life

838
00:52:23.040 --> 00:52:31.280
um or make it well with my soul by mercy me love yeah on my side kim whittaker a reminder that i

839
00:52:31.280 --> 00:52:37.360
am god defending i have been off he has i've been all along he loves me sees me write your story to

840
00:52:37.360 --> 00:52:42.560
let god do what he wants let go and trust in his goodness be a testimony with him that's so good

841
00:52:42.560 --> 00:52:49.520
so good ladies i like this mine is the flame it reminds me of holy spirit's everlasting love for

842
00:52:49.520 --> 00:52:55.520
me and of second timothy one six through seven for this reason i remind you to fan into the flame

843
00:52:55.520 --> 00:53:03.280
the gift of god which is in you through the laying on hands yes that's so good um that's so good so

844
00:53:03.280 --> 00:53:12.480
good so good you ladies can continue to add um this is also good and it is 753 so whoever shares

845
00:53:12.480 --> 00:53:17.840
we want to be mindful that we have one two three four more people after you and so maybe if you

846
00:53:17.840 --> 00:53:21.600
want you can start with the question that way i could be processing the question while you feel

847
00:53:21.600 --> 00:53:27.200
me in um i don't know who was first but i know that you all know so go for it

848
00:53:33.360 --> 00:53:34.160
did you tiffany

849
00:53:36.080 --> 00:53:43.360
karen they said was you camerson not her karen going once going twice so oh karen

850
00:53:43.440 --> 00:53:44.000
no just

851
00:53:47.760 --> 00:53:51.040
it's okay try to you can try to get it to work

852
00:53:58.080 --> 00:54:03.760
finally i'm also gonna update like a month ago my phone will not like show

853
00:54:04.720 --> 00:54:12.800
uh-huh the bar to unmute sometimes so i apologize oh no no worries uh so question on

854
00:54:14.560 --> 00:54:20.240
if i need to take any action or not or just enjoy the process of we've been talking for

855
00:54:20.240 --> 00:54:27.920
three and a half weeks two dates text very lightly maybe every two or three days

856
00:54:28.080 --> 00:54:36.400
so it just kind of feels like nonchalant not really having a purpose which is fine

857
00:54:37.520 --> 00:54:42.560
in a lot of ways it's like oh just someone to chat with but it doesn't seem like a lot of synergy

858
00:54:42.560 --> 00:54:49.760
so i don't know if i need to just let it play out see if he asks for another date or

859
00:54:50.160 --> 00:54:57.120
see if he asks for another date or do anything different i'm just responding when he reaches out

860
00:54:58.320 --> 00:54:59.840
so do you want more connection

861
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.880
It would be nice to have phone calls because it's just like a text here and there, like

862
00:55:06.880 --> 00:55:12.440
how was your day or how was Mother's Day?

863
00:55:12.440 --> 00:55:17.120
The dates have been great because we talk for three hours each time, but in between

864
00:55:17.120 --> 00:55:21.160
it's like, what are we doing?

865
00:55:21.160 --> 00:55:25.040
Do you initiate any of those text messages in between?

866
00:55:25.040 --> 00:55:33.360
I haven't because I'm reading another book that's saying not to do that and I'm like,

867
00:55:33.360 --> 00:55:34.360
hmm.

868
00:55:34.360 --> 00:55:38.000
But this book was more like read in the 90s when people called.

869
00:55:38.000 --> 00:55:40.120
It wasn't text messages then.

870
00:55:40.120 --> 00:55:41.120
Yeah.

871
00:55:41.120 --> 00:55:43.640
So let's not follow that book.

872
00:55:43.640 --> 00:55:47.400
And yes, if you want connection, you're going to have to reach out.

873
00:55:47.400 --> 00:55:51.600
He's probably following your lead.

874
00:55:51.600 --> 00:55:53.760
And so that is a very strong possibility.

875
00:55:53.760 --> 00:55:56.320
If you want to talk to him, you're going to have to make that connection.

876
00:55:56.320 --> 00:56:00.480
You have to send a message and say, hey, I noticed we text, but let's schedule some talk

877
00:56:00.480 --> 00:56:01.480
time.

878
00:56:01.480 --> 00:56:04.680
I enjoy talking to you because we're not going to know.

879
00:56:04.680 --> 00:56:08.280
You go on the dates, but if you're not building connection in between time, that's why you

880
00:56:08.280 --> 00:56:09.280
really don't know.

881
00:56:09.280 --> 00:56:10.280
Like, I don't know.

882
00:56:10.280 --> 00:56:11.280
Right.

883
00:56:11.280 --> 00:56:15.880
And so if you say you don't like talking on the phone, there's one thing, or if you don't

884
00:56:15.880 --> 00:56:23.120
like texting, that's another thing then you have to rely on that when y'all get together.

885
00:56:23.480 --> 00:56:33.240
Is that setting it up though to be like, I appreciate a man who like shows interest

886
00:56:33.240 --> 00:56:35.040
through leading and initiating.

887
00:56:35.040 --> 00:56:38.780
So is that setting it up?

888
00:56:38.780 --> 00:56:44.360
Is my initiating too often setting it up for me to be leading the relationship?

889
00:56:44.360 --> 00:56:45.360
First is not a relationship.

890
00:56:45.360 --> 00:56:47.320
You're dating for discovery.

891
00:56:47.320 --> 00:56:49.820
Second, he's the one always texting you.

892
00:56:50.020 --> 00:56:51.020
You don't text him.

893
00:56:57.020 --> 00:56:58.020
Okay.

894
00:57:00.020 --> 00:57:01.020
No.

895
00:57:01.020 --> 00:57:02.020
Was that a question?

896
00:57:02.020 --> 00:57:03.020
That's it.

897
00:57:03.020 --> 00:57:04.020
That is the truth.

898
00:57:04.020 --> 00:57:06.620
You're not in relationship.

899
00:57:06.620 --> 00:57:08.380
You're getting to know him.

900
00:57:08.380 --> 00:57:10.420
Second, he texts you.

901
00:57:10.420 --> 00:57:11.980
You don't text him first.

902
00:57:11.980 --> 00:57:18.420
And third, every person has equal responsibility to create a connection.

903
00:57:19.020 --> 00:57:20.100
So it's 50-50.

904
00:57:20.100 --> 00:57:22.900
He's not auditioning to be your leader.

905
00:57:22.900 --> 00:57:25.580
He's dating you.

906
00:57:25.580 --> 00:57:28.740
This is not audition time.

907
00:57:28.740 --> 00:57:33.100
So if at some point you guys continue to go on, because right now, both of you are giving

908
00:57:33.100 --> 00:57:37.580
the same amount of effort, it's not like you're chasing him down, begging him to take you

909
00:57:37.580 --> 00:57:38.580
on dates.

910
00:57:38.580 --> 00:57:39.580
That's another story.

911
00:57:39.580 --> 00:57:47.220
But right now y'all are getting to know each other and you have a responsibility to put

912
00:57:47.220 --> 00:57:48.220
in work.

913
00:57:49.020 --> 00:57:51.460
So if a man comes to you and he says, I want to take you out to market.

914
00:57:51.460 --> 00:57:55.820
I want us to go exclusive, then you're going to begin to evaluate that man a whole lot

915
00:57:55.820 --> 00:57:56.820
differently.

916
00:57:56.820 --> 00:58:01.860
A friend asked a question, but it goes into saying, you're going to start evaluating him

917
00:58:01.860 --> 00:58:02.860
a lot differently.

918
00:58:02.860 --> 00:58:06.260
And then you're going to have that talk, right?

919
00:58:06.260 --> 00:58:11.740
Because one thing, if he's inconsistent, you're not going to probably make it that far anyway.

920
00:58:11.740 --> 00:58:12.740
Right.

921
00:58:12.740 --> 00:58:15.980
So you're going to already know that this person has some form of consistency if you

922
00:58:15.980 --> 00:58:19.100
made it 60 days with them, 90 days.

923
00:58:19.100 --> 00:58:25.740
Jackie says before you go exclusive, at least 60 days at the minimum, but at what is optimum,

924
00:58:25.740 --> 00:58:31.580
what is best for you is going exclusive at 90 days, that's a good three months.

925
00:58:31.580 --> 00:58:35.700
So there's no way you will make it that far without someone being consistent.

926
00:58:35.700 --> 00:58:37.660
You would have kicked them to the curve already.

927
00:58:37.660 --> 00:58:39.660
It just wouldn't have sustained itself.

928
00:58:39.660 --> 00:58:44.660
You are looking for mature, marriage-minded individual, right?

929
00:58:44.660 --> 00:58:45.660
And masculine.

930
00:58:46.340 --> 00:58:54.260
So is it date three, that is an appropriate time to find out if they're marriage-minded?

931
00:58:54.260 --> 00:59:03.780
You can ask them, you can say, I'm dating intentionally and I am marriage-minded.

932
00:59:03.780 --> 00:59:10.820
I'm not asking for your hand in marriage, but I would like to know what are your thoughts

933
00:59:10.820 --> 00:59:11.820
about that?

934
00:59:11.820 --> 00:59:12.820
Yeah.

935
00:59:12.980 --> 00:59:16.980
And so when they give their thoughts and they say, well, I'm not looking to be married for

936
00:59:16.980 --> 00:59:22.100
the next five years, keep your nervous system calm and don't be like, well, it's not going

937
00:59:22.100 --> 00:59:23.100
to work.

938
00:59:23.100 --> 00:59:24.100
No.

939
00:59:24.100 --> 00:59:26.460
You just say, okay, thank you for sharing.

940
00:59:26.460 --> 00:59:31.460
That gives you information to know like, hey, I enjoy hanging out with them and I can start

941
00:59:31.460 --> 00:59:34.100
talking to somebody else and I can still enjoy hanging out with them.

942
00:59:34.100 --> 00:59:35.100
Right.

943
00:59:35.100 --> 00:59:38.020
Not going to change you hanging out with them unless you have some emotions attached to

944
00:59:38.020 --> 00:59:39.020
it.

945
00:59:39.020 --> 00:59:42.740
And then you need to release that because at some point you're going to build something.

946
00:59:43.660 --> 00:59:44.660
And that's when it's going to become unhealthy.

947
00:59:44.660 --> 00:59:45.660
Right.

948
00:59:45.660 --> 00:59:51.220
And so, or then after that, you can say, wow, well, yeah, we are going two different directions

949
00:59:51.220 --> 00:59:52.500
and I'm totally fine with it.

950
00:59:52.500 --> 00:59:57.380
It's been a lot of fun, but I know that I like you and I know if I can continue to like you,

951
00:59:57.380 --> 00:59:59.020
I would like you more.

952
00:59:59.020 --> 00:59:59.900
And so it's.

953
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.000
much as I did not want to say goodbye. I now have to say goodbye and that is

954
01:00:05.040 --> 01:00:08.600
completely fine. It's completely fine.

955
01:00:09.440 --> 01:00:10.200
Right?

956
01:00:10.200 --> 01:00:15.040
And you get to say it in joy and in peace and not in anger or bitterness.

957
01:00:15.600 --> 01:00:16.120
But Karen,

958
01:00:16.120 --> 01:00:20.840
you want to be real careful with all of you ladies about this man showing me if

959
01:00:20.840 --> 01:00:25.840
he can leave when you're in the early stages of dating, when it requires 50 50,

960
01:00:26.040 --> 01:00:27.680
you're looking for reciprocity.

961
01:00:27.840 --> 01:00:28.680
Mm hmm.

962
01:00:29.760 --> 01:00:33.480
Right. He, he's not, he can,

963
01:00:33.520 --> 01:00:37.160
if he planned all the dates, you can measure him and say he's a leader,

964
01:00:37.400 --> 01:00:40.760
but you haven't seen the fruit of his life to determine if he's a leader.

965
01:00:42.600 --> 01:00:47.320
And so what you're trying to figure out in some early stages do not pan out well

966
01:00:47.320 --> 01:00:48.640
in latter stages.

967
01:00:50.200 --> 01:00:52.160
Fruit is what you inspect,

968
01:00:52.600 --> 01:00:55.480
not a couple of behavior acts at the beginning.

969
01:00:56.000 --> 01:00:56.840
Mm hmm.

970
01:00:57.160 --> 01:01:01.120
And so if he planned all the dates and he did all the calling and in your mind

971
01:01:01.120 --> 01:01:04.560
that says he's a leader, then that's a very low standard for a leader.

972
01:01:07.680 --> 01:01:11.240
Leaders are accountable. Leaders keep their word.

973
01:01:11.600 --> 01:01:14.160
Leaders are integrates. There are things,

974
01:01:14.160 --> 01:01:17.360
combination of things that cause a person to be a leader.

975
01:01:18.360 --> 01:01:19.440
So when you say accountable,

976
01:01:19.440 --> 01:01:23.920
it comes to my mind is having like being involved in a church community and or a

977
01:01:23.920 --> 01:01:24.440
men's group,

978
01:01:24.440 --> 01:01:28.560
like having community around you that holds you accountable and you've given

979
01:01:28.560 --> 01:01:29.520
permission for that.

980
01:01:30.240 --> 01:01:33.000
That's what comes to my mind as far as being accountable.

981
01:01:33.840 --> 01:01:36.400
Well, accountability can look like that,

982
01:01:36.400 --> 01:01:40.400
but can also look like when a person gives you their word and they keep it,

983
01:01:40.680 --> 01:01:43.080
it can also look like they give you a word. They don't keep it,

984
01:01:43.080 --> 01:01:46.120
but they follow up and say, Hey, I told you this.

985
01:01:46.120 --> 01:01:50.800
I wasn't able to keep my word. I wasn't able to do that. I'm so sorry.

986
01:01:51.040 --> 01:01:52.400
Let's work it this way.

987
01:01:53.080 --> 01:01:55.920
So accountability is not just within that.

988
01:01:56.240 --> 01:02:01.240
And then another thing about men is men are not always a part of community.

989
01:02:01.960 --> 01:02:06.760
This is true. It's hard to get harder for them. Yeah. But what you're,

990
01:02:06.800 --> 01:02:10.440
what you want to evaluate is if they have a teachable heart,

991
01:02:10.480 --> 01:02:14.440
not teachable for you because you're not a man's teacher, right?

992
01:02:14.720 --> 01:02:17.120
You're his helper. Right.

993
01:02:17.320 --> 01:02:20.560
But a lot of times we confuse that we want to just teach them because we in this

994
01:02:20.560 --> 01:02:22.520
program and we know, so we're just going to teach them.

995
01:02:22.520 --> 01:02:23.840
Now you're not going to just teach them.

996
01:02:24.000 --> 01:02:27.600
They don't take too kindly to that either. Men, masculine men,

997
01:02:27.800 --> 01:02:30.080
not going to have some woman teaching them something.

998
01:02:30.760 --> 01:02:33.840
It goes against their nature. It doesn't mean they're not humble.

999
01:02:34.280 --> 01:02:38.880
It just means that just like when somebody come in and try to tell you how to be

1000
01:02:38.880 --> 01:02:43.240
a mama to your child, you're like, wait a minute now, don't tell me,

1001
01:02:43.480 --> 01:02:46.640
you know what I'm saying? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, Whoa,

1002
01:02:46.640 --> 01:02:49.640
back, back, back up, back up, back up. So there's an order to things.

1003
01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:54.440
So that's what I'm saying. I forgot where I was, but I'll stop right there.

1004
01:02:54.720 --> 01:02:57.800
But let's just be mindful trying to, um, um,

1005
01:02:57.840 --> 01:03:01.640
make decisions about leadership style and things like that right now.

1006
01:03:01.640 --> 01:03:03.880
It's a 50 50 Karen. If you want to talk to him more,

1007
01:03:04.160 --> 01:03:06.760
I encourage you to initiate it. Send a text like, Hey,

1008
01:03:06.760 --> 01:03:10.120
let's schedule some talk time. Let's get to know each other in between time.

1009
01:03:13.200 --> 01:03:15.560
And so, and you ladies,

1010
01:03:15.600 --> 01:03:18.560
I want to say this cause there's so much information out there.

1011
01:03:19.120 --> 01:03:20.200
If you're on social media,

1012
01:03:20.240 --> 01:03:23.120
everybody's telling us about how to know if a man like you,

1013
01:03:23.320 --> 01:03:26.080
how to know if he interested, how to know if he realized this,

1014
01:03:26.200 --> 01:03:29.920
how to know this is so much information is the information overload,

1015
01:03:29.920 --> 01:03:33.520
but be yourself. Show up.

1016
01:03:34.760 --> 01:03:38.320
I am the first one when I'm talking to a guy and he does something I like,

1017
01:03:38.360 --> 01:03:42.160
I say, I like that. I really like that.

1018
01:03:42.680 --> 01:03:44.880
And I do it every time. And men like to hear,

1019
01:03:44.880 --> 01:03:48.640
they like to hear words of appreciation and guess what? Like clockwork.

1020
01:03:48.680 --> 01:03:52.840
I got that behavior right back again because of a makeup of a man.

1021
01:03:53.160 --> 01:03:57.160
Right. And when he did it again, I knew I had, I said,

1022
01:04:00.800 --> 01:04:05.160
so be yourself, show up and be you, be you, be you in that way.

1023
01:04:05.720 --> 01:04:09.520
So if you want to talk, talk, thanks. You're welcome.

1024
01:04:10.840 --> 01:04:12.280
Whoever was next.

1025
01:04:15.040 --> 01:04:18.680
I think I was next. Go for it, Tiffany. Okay.

1026
01:04:18.680 --> 01:04:23.680
So I have been talking to this guy for five and a half weeks and we,

1027
01:04:28.160 --> 01:04:33.160
we stayed phone wasted for a good long while.

1028
01:04:35.400 --> 01:04:38.640
We have texts a lot. We've talked a lot.

1029
01:04:38.680 --> 01:04:43.680
We've had several dates and there's definite,

1030
01:04:44.400 --> 01:04:49.400
there is definite conversation about moving into,

1031
01:04:50.480 --> 01:04:53.760
moving into that exclusive place.

1032
01:04:55.600 --> 01:04:59.920
And I'll be honest, like I would like to.

1033
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:07.680
but it's also like okay we're at five and a half weeks this is way early but

1034
01:05:07.680 --> 01:05:17.200
we've talked so much and all the things and so how do you do like I don't know

1035
01:05:17.200 --> 01:05:25.120
how to do this at this point because I want to say oh yes so if you don't go

1036
01:05:25.120 --> 01:05:31.040
exclusive today is he still gonna be there three weeks from now yeah that's

1037
01:05:31.040 --> 01:05:38.200
how you do it I just wait yeah because you saying I'm

1038
01:05:38.200 --> 01:05:44.360
exclusive exclusive is not gonna change the process that you're in it will

1039
01:05:44.360 --> 01:05:46.800
change because you're gonna take yourself out the market and you're gonna

1040
01:05:46.800 --> 01:05:51.160
lock yourself in and you may not recognize things you should recognize

1041
01:05:51.160 --> 01:05:58.280
time gives you advantage to see once you lock yourself in because you are

1042
01:05:58.280 --> 01:06:03.000
marriage minded and you come out for the market you're gonna put yourself in a

1043
01:06:03.000 --> 01:06:09.040
different I'm lost in a different realm does that make sense yeah and then you

1044
01:06:09.040 --> 01:06:13.600
think it's fast now it's gonna really speed up because you how long you plan

1045
01:06:13.600 --> 01:06:21.080
on dating before you get married a long time I don't know like a year okay

1046
01:06:21.080 --> 01:06:30.920
really okay well probably not but okay but when you're marriage minded I'm not

1047
01:06:30.920 --> 01:06:35.200
sure you want to date a man for two years before you get married and you may

1048
01:06:35.200 --> 01:06:38.640
want to be proposed to and then we start planning a wedding if you will have say

1049
01:06:38.640 --> 01:06:44.040
not me I'm doing two-year kind of stuff now Lord it with me but I don't know if

1050
01:06:44.040 --> 01:06:48.600
you have some real strong boundaries like this just there's a long time Lord

1051
01:06:48.600 --> 01:06:58.080
but um I'm just saying to you you ask yourself the question well will I lose

1052
01:06:58.080 --> 01:07:06.200
if I wait and so I remember the last marriage minded relationship I was in it

1053
01:07:06.280 --> 01:07:13.360
was like week for Jackie recommends for dating they're at the minimum 60 days

1054
01:07:13.360 --> 01:07:19.320
before exclusivity at optimum 30 days 90 days that is the best number of days

1055
01:07:19.320 --> 01:07:25.240
before you go exclusive that's what Jackie teaches because you'll see if you

1056
01:07:25.240 --> 01:07:31.320
waited 90 days you will see the difference I've done it it is a

1057
01:07:31.320 --> 01:07:37.800
difference oh she doesn't give you a timeline for marriage so anyway but you

1058
01:07:37.800 --> 01:07:42.160
are an accelerated program I can't tell you don't go exclusive tomorrow if you

1059
01:07:42.160 --> 01:07:47.560
want to go exclusive I'm just giving you options on how to process it because

1060
01:07:47.560 --> 01:07:53.680
this is this is an accelerated program it's true like when God brings things so

1061
01:07:53.680 --> 01:07:57.440
even if you went let's say you decide he asked you tomorrow to go exclusive you

1062
01:07:57.440 --> 01:08:00.360
say yes I'll take myself out the market if that's what you want to do you're not

1063
01:08:00.360 --> 01:08:04.400
wrong for doing so I don't want you to carry that you're not wrong for doing

1064
01:08:04.400 --> 01:08:09.360
that you can do it in two weeks if you want to you really literally you can do

1065
01:08:09.360 --> 01:08:12.320
whatever you want to do like that's a real deal you're not gonna be shown

1066
01:08:12.320 --> 01:08:16.200
because you do it you just did it you took yourself out the market but what

1067
01:08:16.200 --> 01:08:21.300
you have to do even if somebody proposed to you and you accepted it you have to

1068
01:08:21.300 --> 01:08:27.479
use the time that you have wisely and so now's the time when you go into do we

1069
01:08:27.479 --> 01:08:30.359
align on core things because at first you was just living out of butterflies

1070
01:08:30.359 --> 01:08:34.439
and what they see but now you're about to start really observing and you're

1071
01:08:34.439 --> 01:08:39.000
gonna come out of fantasy lane mm-hmm and then you're gonna say if I am going

1072
01:08:39.000 --> 01:08:44.160
exclusive for me exclusive it means I'm moving toward marriage with you I'm not

1073
01:08:44.160 --> 01:08:49.680
somebody's girlfriend there's no I operate and so if I say I'm gonna come

1074
01:08:49.680 --> 01:08:54.520
out the market for you that means Ebony is evaluating you totally different at

1075
01:08:54.520 --> 01:09:00.319
this point so you want to use the time that you have and maximize it because

1076
01:09:00.319 --> 01:09:05.479
you're not gonna get that time before they in a lot of this is the truth you

1077
01:09:05.479 --> 01:09:09.600
can get me to do more in the waiting time before they get you then you can

1078
01:09:09.600 --> 01:09:13.760
after I do and so you really want to maximize your time because they kind of

1079
01:09:13.760 --> 01:09:18.340
get set in a ways this is the way that I set up my time after exclusivity this

1080
01:09:18.340 --> 01:09:23.640
may be something that's helpful for you so what this person I did well it's

1081
01:09:23.640 --> 01:09:27.399
first of all I believe that trauma counseling for me this is not Jackie

1082
01:09:27.399 --> 01:09:31.359
program this is not her guideline if there's gonna be any kind of counseling

1083
01:09:31.359 --> 01:09:35.399
it's gonna be trauma counseling like I need a person to have it I've been

1084
01:09:35.399 --> 01:09:38.399
married before and I know how it shows up in marriage that's my own requirement

1085
01:09:38.399 --> 01:09:41.680
you're not willing to their requirement then this is not gonna work this for us

1086
01:09:41.680 --> 01:09:46.720
so anyway there's a requirement I have a counselor like this just my own non

1087
01:09:46.720 --> 01:09:54.260
negotiable and then I pick two people for my two kingdom marriages from my

1088
01:09:54.260 --> 01:09:58.560
community they pick two kingdom marriages from their community and every

1089
01:09:58.560 --> 01:10:01.800
time we went out

1090
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:01.820
we went out with them.

1091
01:10:02.860 --> 01:10:06.220
Every time we had dinner, we did bowling, we did coffee,

1092
01:10:06.220 --> 01:10:09.860
we had a community of people that watched us together,

1093
01:10:09.860 --> 01:10:12.700
that knew how to ask us really great questions,

1094
01:10:12.700 --> 01:10:16.380
that knew how to help us develop and have fun together.

1095
01:10:16.380 --> 01:10:17.980
And so when I got ready to end

1096
01:10:17.980 --> 01:10:20.180
that wonderful marriage-minded relationship,

1097
01:10:20.180 --> 01:10:22.780
I went to our community and I said

1098
01:10:22.780 --> 01:10:24.700
what I needed to say to our community

1099
01:10:24.700 --> 01:10:28.340
and I submitted it to them and they agreed with me

1100
01:10:28.340 --> 01:10:30.140
and they talked with both of us

1101
01:10:30.140 --> 01:10:31.940
and they told both of us why.

1102
01:10:34.060 --> 01:10:35.800
And this was just last year.

1103
01:10:36.780 --> 01:10:39.380
And so I was very strategic.

1104
01:10:39.380 --> 01:10:42.100
I never went, I never, this is me.

1105
01:10:42.100 --> 01:10:44.300
Everybody's, you go to school with somebody,

1106
01:10:44.300 --> 01:10:46.620
you should see what they live and how they live.

1107
01:10:46.620 --> 01:10:48.360
I've heard Jackie tell people that before,

1108
01:10:48.360 --> 01:10:50.760
but I know my history.

1109
01:10:50.760 --> 01:10:53.100
Everybody has to know themselves.

1110
01:10:53.100 --> 01:10:54.660
And so we didn't do a lot of hanging out

1111
01:10:54.660 --> 01:10:56.560
at each other's house.

1112
01:10:56.560 --> 01:10:59.800
We could do a game night with a group of people,

1113
01:10:59.800 --> 01:11:02.000
but I'm not coming over watching a movie.

1114
01:11:02.000 --> 01:11:03.480
You're not coming to my place watching a movie.

1115
01:11:03.480 --> 01:11:04.320
Why?

1116
01:11:04.320 --> 01:11:05.560
Because I know me.

1117
01:11:05.560 --> 01:11:07.440
And no, am I just going up and have sex?

1118
01:11:07.440 --> 01:11:10.040
No, but I know what gives opportunity to it.

1119
01:11:10.040 --> 01:11:11.800
I know what gives opportunity to touching

1120
01:11:11.800 --> 01:11:12.840
and feeling and heavy kissing.

1121
01:11:12.840 --> 01:11:16.080
And when you cross the line, it ain't no going back.

1122
01:11:16.080 --> 01:11:18.000
It only reduces more and more.

1123
01:11:18.000 --> 01:11:21.240
I don't know about other people, I can speak for me.

1124
01:11:21.240 --> 01:11:25.720
I've never seen me do that and go backwards.

1125
01:11:25.720 --> 01:11:28.680
I've only seen me go full steam ahead.

1126
01:11:28.680 --> 01:11:30.400
Once that first touch happen,

1127
01:11:30.400 --> 01:11:33.240
having that skin to skin and oh Lord,

1128
01:11:33.240 --> 01:11:35.600
that kiss and all this stuff get released,

1129
01:11:35.600 --> 01:11:37.080
something happens.

1130
01:11:37.080 --> 01:11:40.720
And now I have to fight to keep purity

1131
01:11:40.720 --> 01:11:43.360
when I didn't have to fight at first.

1132
01:11:43.360 --> 01:11:45.920
I've paid a lot to be where I am

1133
01:11:45.920 --> 01:11:47.800
and I'm not trading out my dignity

1134
01:11:47.800 --> 01:11:49.840
and I'm not dignity and I'm not paying

1135
01:11:49.840 --> 01:11:52.680
because I'm not trading over what I have in the Lord

1136
01:11:52.680 --> 01:11:55.000
for sex, something I've had all my life.

1137
01:11:55.000 --> 01:11:57.560
I had when I was married and I had before I got married.

1138
01:11:57.560 --> 01:11:59.720
I just not willing to do it

1139
01:11:59.720 --> 01:12:02.440
and I don't trust my flesh at any time.

1140
01:12:02.440 --> 01:12:04.240
I believe wisdom will guide me.

1141
01:12:04.240 --> 01:12:05.200
Everybody's not like me,

1142
01:12:05.200 --> 01:12:07.440
but I'm just telling you why I do what I do.

1143
01:12:07.440 --> 01:12:09.040
That's why it's not a rule for you,

1144
01:12:09.040 --> 01:12:11.160
it's a guardrail for me.

1145
01:12:11.160 --> 01:12:14.120
And so I spent that time after I went exclusive

1146
01:12:14.120 --> 01:12:17.480
because I was headed to marriage to maximize it.

1147
01:12:17.480 --> 01:12:19.520
What do we need to get in order?

1148
01:12:19.520 --> 01:12:21.240
What does your credit look like?

1149
01:12:21.240 --> 01:12:22.640
What does my credit look like?

1150
01:12:22.640 --> 01:12:24.320
What does your debt look like?

1151
01:12:24.320 --> 01:12:27.800
Because remember, I didn't go exclusive until 90 days.

1152
01:12:27.800 --> 01:12:30.080
So we were already three months in.

1153
01:12:31.880 --> 01:12:36.440
So I just started like, now it was kind of like hustle time.

1154
01:12:36.440 --> 01:12:38.480
And even before we went exclusive,

1155
01:12:38.480 --> 01:12:41.200
we had already introduced our mentors in.

1156
01:12:41.200 --> 01:12:43.240
So by the time we made it to the third month

1157
01:12:43.240 --> 01:12:45.880
and then on day 90, exactly, he called me that morning.

1158
01:12:45.880 --> 01:12:48.840
He's like, would you be my girlfriend?

1159
01:12:48.840 --> 01:12:51.920
It was so funny, but it was cute nonetheless.

1160
01:12:51.920 --> 01:12:54.400
He honored and respect my boundary.

1161
01:12:55.760 --> 01:12:57.840
And so I know I said a lot

1162
01:12:57.840 --> 01:12:59.920
and I hope that you guys may have gleaned something

1163
01:12:59.920 --> 01:13:00.760
from that.

1164
01:13:02.000 --> 01:13:03.040
It was what I was needing.

1165
01:13:03.040 --> 01:13:04.960
It was what I was hoping for.

1166
01:13:04.960 --> 01:13:06.440
So thank you.

1167
01:13:06.440 --> 01:13:07.680
Oh, you're welcome.

1168
01:13:07.680 --> 01:13:08.960
Good.

1169
01:13:08.960 --> 01:13:11.440
So it will be a waste of time if you're marriage minded.

1170
01:13:11.440 --> 01:13:14.240
Right, so we believe that it's a waste of time friend

1171
01:13:14.240 --> 01:13:17.320
and next person can unmute while I respond to this.

1172
01:13:17.320 --> 01:13:19.400
Should we ask marriage minded questions at the beginning?

1173
01:13:19.400 --> 01:13:21.240
You can't ask the person that they're marriage minded.

1174
01:13:21.240 --> 01:13:22.920
They say no, then they say no.

1175
01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:26.840
However, you're not in the marriage minded phase.

1176
01:13:26.840 --> 01:13:28.960
You're in dating for discovery.

1177
01:13:28.960 --> 01:13:30.920
And so ideally you want to go on a date

1178
01:13:30.920 --> 01:13:32.720
so you can discover yourself.

1179
01:13:32.720 --> 01:13:34.240
And you want to sit across from a person

1180
01:13:34.240 --> 01:13:35.920
and you want to ask intelligent questions

1181
01:13:35.920 --> 01:13:37.120
or you want to laugh

1182
01:13:37.120 --> 01:13:39.240
or you want to see what their personality is like.

1183
01:13:39.240 --> 01:13:40.680
Maybe you want to go bowling.

1184
01:13:40.680 --> 01:13:41.720
Maybe you want to.

1185
01:13:41.720 --> 01:13:44.360
So we want you to have the experience of a date.

1186
01:13:44.360 --> 01:13:47.080
So it's not a matter of if they're not marriage minded,

1187
01:13:47.080 --> 01:13:48.200
they're not the person for me

1188
01:13:48.200 --> 01:13:49.520
because you're not actually looking

1189
01:13:49.520 --> 01:13:51.240
for the person in this stage.

1190
01:13:51.240 --> 01:13:54.520
And that's a hard thing to overcome in this stage

1191
01:13:56.040 --> 01:14:01.040
because we are programmed that I'm looking for a husband.

1192
01:14:01.080 --> 01:14:03.080
And anything else, if you don't want to be that,

1193
01:14:03.080 --> 01:14:04.280
because one thing about it,

1194
01:14:04.280 --> 01:14:06.200
if somebody says, well, I am marriage minded,

1195
01:14:06.200 --> 01:14:07.920
that releases something in you

1196
01:14:07.920 --> 01:14:10.120
probably to go a little bit further than you should

1197
01:14:10.120 --> 01:14:11.080
because you believe that y'all

1198
01:14:11.080 --> 01:14:12.360
on the same court about marriage.

1199
01:14:12.360 --> 01:14:14.000
But you can be on one page about marriage

1200
01:14:14.000 --> 01:14:16.800
and you have a totally different idea what marriage is.

1201
01:14:17.800 --> 01:14:20.480
Or you can meet a man that may not have been marriage minded

1202
01:14:20.480 --> 01:14:22.240
but y'all started hanging out and getting to know each other.

1203
01:14:22.240 --> 01:14:23.080
He looked at you and said,

1204
01:14:23.080 --> 01:14:25.480
I know her, she bone in my bone and flesh in my flesh.

1205
01:14:25.480 --> 01:14:26.760
This is my wife.

1206
01:14:26.760 --> 01:14:30.200
I'm just telling you this kind of how things can happen.

1207
01:14:30.200 --> 01:14:32.480
And so when we start putting all these parameters

1208
01:14:32.480 --> 01:14:34.240
instead of just doing the simple part,

1209
01:14:34.240 --> 01:14:36.920
do a low stakes dating experience,

1210
01:14:36.920 --> 01:14:38.560
go have a cup of coffee.

1211
01:14:41.280 --> 01:14:42.640
I hope that resonates.

1212
01:14:42.640 --> 01:14:43.480
Go for it.

1213
01:14:43.480 --> 01:14:45.560
I don't know who's next, whoever you are.

1214
01:14:46.560 --> 01:14:47.400
Yeah, Bunny.

1215
01:14:47.400 --> 01:14:48.240
It's you Rachel.

1216
01:14:49.640 --> 01:14:50.480
Hey girl.

1217
01:14:50.480 --> 01:14:52.000
I'm struggling.

1218
01:14:52.000 --> 01:14:54.760
Tell her, update me, update me.

1219
01:14:54.760 --> 01:14:57.520
I'm struggling with the apps.

1220
01:14:57.520 --> 01:14:59.120
Oh, the apps.

1221
01:14:59.120 --> 01:14:59.960
Yes.

1222
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:07.840
like i don't so my goal is to spend 10 minutes not more like in like 10 minutes

1223
01:15:08.720 --> 01:15:15.280
i'm sure like just the swiping i'm like i don't know what to look for like i don't know what to

1224
01:15:15.280 --> 01:15:20.800
look for i'm serious like i've never had a boyfriend i'm just being all i'm just being

1225
01:15:20.800 --> 01:15:27.520
vulnerable like i don't know what to look for i'm like there's all these faces and i'm like okay

1226
01:15:27.680 --> 01:15:33.120
uh-huh like so this is what you look for you look for somebody who has some sense

1227
01:15:33.920 --> 01:15:36.880
and so you want seriously when i look

1228
01:15:36.880 --> 01:15:41.600
okay there have been guys who didn't have anything on their profile but they look safe to me

1229
01:15:44.560 --> 01:15:50.160
and i believe when you look at a man i don't know if it's just it may not be you but i'm

1230
01:15:50.160 --> 01:15:55.440
telling you they look safe they have a safety look about them and i haven't been wrong yet

1231
01:15:56.400 --> 01:16:00.240
so they didn't tell me anything about themselves and i had mean to tell me about themselves

1232
01:16:00.800 --> 01:16:05.200
and they be the complete opposite of what they said they talk about how much they love god

1233
01:16:05.200 --> 01:16:09.440
they fear god and you get on that date or you get on that phone and they're trying to have sex with

1234
01:16:09.440 --> 01:16:15.200
you and so what i'm telling you is people can say one thing and what they say doesn't always

1235
01:16:15.200 --> 01:16:19.680
add up to who they are and we have to be mindful of that has anybody else had that experience

1236
01:16:19.680 --> 01:16:25.120
this man talking about he this and he serve and he that and is this yes and their behavior is

1237
01:16:25.120 --> 01:16:30.640
totally different but so sometimes if a man doesn't have anything on his profile i know that men don't

1238
01:16:30.640 --> 01:16:36.080
have as many words as we do and i do know that it's hard for them to write about themselves

1239
01:16:36.080 --> 01:16:41.840
i will give this example i have an uncle he is handsome he's a good man but he don't have a good

1240
01:16:41.840 --> 01:16:47.040
pickup i really want him to go to some counseling but he picked the craziest women and i told him i

1241
01:16:47.120 --> 01:16:51.680
said listen uncle it ain't the women this your third one you don't pick like that i'm sure it's

1242
01:16:51.680 --> 01:16:58.640
you i'm sure of it but he's a great man he told me he's like niece i went on a date and i don't

1243
01:16:58.640 --> 01:17:03.440
know what to say to them women and my uncle's a really good man he's a gentleman he's amazing

1244
01:17:03.440 --> 01:17:07.840
and i would tell him all the time if i wasn't your niece i'll date you to marry you treat you right

1245
01:17:08.400 --> 01:17:15.280
but he he is single but i think he needs some counseling because he keep picking the wrong

1246
01:17:15.280 --> 01:17:21.040
women i'm telling you but i'ma see i'ma check it out for you check it out for you but he um

1247
01:17:21.760 --> 01:17:25.680
he says i don't know what to say he says so i just asked him like you want to go grab some coffee

1248
01:17:26.240 --> 01:17:30.000
he said then they get upset and they said well you ain't you ain't talked to me long enough he's

1249
01:17:30.000 --> 01:17:34.880
like i don't know what to say but i tell him if you i can talk to you in person but i don't know

1250
01:17:34.880 --> 01:17:39.840
how to talk to you and i believe it because most of us complain that they don't say anything

1251
01:17:39.840 --> 01:17:43.440
or even when you go on a date the men don't ask you something about yourself

1252
01:17:44.240 --> 01:17:48.640
men don't always know that so that's the part of the world we have to come into

1253
01:17:48.640 --> 01:17:53.440
you can ask most women who are married they usually buy their husband's clothes

1254
01:17:54.800 --> 01:18:01.040
there are a lot of things that just don't come easy to me and sometimes they will get on a date

1255
01:18:01.040 --> 01:18:07.440
with a pretty woman and don't know what to do but talk let them talk no he ain't asking nothing

1256
01:18:07.840 --> 01:18:15.280
about yourself it's okay let the man talk is he saying something bad is he is he cussing is he

1257
01:18:15.280 --> 01:18:20.160
going under your clothes did he pay for the cup of coffee let him talk i'm just i'm being real like

1258
01:18:20.160 --> 01:18:27.280
i'm trying to get you to loosen yourself let him express himself and then when you go on the next

1259
01:18:27.280 --> 01:18:32.480
date if he keep doing it he's nervous he's looking at a beautiful woman so then you could just say

1260
01:18:32.480 --> 01:18:37.840
it's so much fun learn about you do you have any let's let's learn about each other at the

1261
01:18:37.840 --> 01:18:42.400
same time so i'm gonna ask you a question i'm gonna lead with my answer and then you get to

1262
01:18:42.400 --> 01:18:49.520
answer that's all you have to do it's just taking some taking some lead it doesn't make you any less

1263
01:18:49.520 --> 01:18:52.640
it doesn't mean he doesn't want you it doesn't mean he doesn't like you it doesn't mean he's

1264
01:18:52.640 --> 01:18:57.440
not pursuing you it doesn't mean that he don't want to work for you he just don't have coaching

1265
01:18:57.440 --> 01:18:59.280
he's not a woman he's a man

1266
01:19:02.160 --> 01:19:06.320
and sometimes their brains are not just that big they just don't have the capacity

1267
01:19:06.960 --> 01:19:12.880
ask married people been married to men for a long time they are very very very simple

1268
01:19:15.120 --> 01:19:19.040
it's black or white you like that yep nope and you're like well what about how it tastes what

1269
01:19:19.040 --> 01:19:24.160
did you taste that italian season no but good to me but did you did you see how they put a little

1270
01:19:24.160 --> 01:19:31.360
hint no good to me they really mean it anyway so back to you rachel so you want to look for

1271
01:19:31.360 --> 01:19:36.080
somebody when you're looking at their profile you probably probably want them to be a christian

1272
01:19:36.080 --> 01:19:41.680
right you may not it may not bother you um give me one second it may not bother you if they aren't

1273
01:19:41.680 --> 01:19:46.000
or not it's up to you maybe they're catholic there's no big deal either and rachel you'll

1274
01:19:46.000 --> 01:19:51.920
have to unmute yourself because i muted everybody um another thing you want to look for is i do this

1275
01:19:51.920 --> 01:19:55.360
this may not be something y'all do but i look at what type of music they listen to

1276
01:19:57.040 --> 01:19:59.840
so for me if you say you're a believer

1277
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.540
of some sorts, there's a level of the music

1278
01:20:02.540 --> 01:20:03.380
you should be listening to.

1279
01:20:03.380 --> 01:20:05.540
So if you spend your time listening to Bad Bunny,

1280
01:20:05.540 --> 01:20:07.160
that just don't work out for me.

1281
01:20:07.160 --> 01:20:09.340
Because the lyrics of what you're listening to

1282
01:20:09.340 --> 01:20:12.420
has to tell me something about you, in my opinion.

1283
01:20:12.420 --> 01:20:13.980
I'm not telling you to look for that,

1284
01:20:13.980 --> 01:20:15.020
but that's just who I am.

1285
01:20:15.020 --> 01:20:17.060
Because you can like R&B and old school,

1286
01:20:17.060 --> 01:20:18.580
that don't make you not a believer.

1287
01:20:18.580 --> 01:20:20.500
None of those things, you may like hip hop,

1288
01:20:20.500 --> 01:20:23.260
but it's a certain type that you listen to

1289
01:20:23.260 --> 01:20:24.100
and it's just kind of like,

1290
01:20:24.100 --> 01:20:27.100
oh, I'm a little concerned about your...

1291
01:20:27.100 --> 01:20:29.580
If it's a rap song, they talk about women's bodies

1292
01:20:29.580 --> 01:20:30.860
and what they got on, you know,

1293
01:20:30.860 --> 01:20:34.660
how they're doing to their bodies and stuff like that.

1294
01:20:34.660 --> 01:20:35.500
Yeah.

1295
01:20:35.500 --> 01:20:39.120
Another thing you can look for is what they do for work.

1296
01:20:39.120 --> 01:20:40.860
Not meaning if they make a lot of money,

1297
01:20:40.860 --> 01:20:43.980
but some professions are just, it feels safe.

1298
01:20:43.980 --> 01:20:47.700
A teacher, if they're a coach, if they're a mentor.

1299
01:20:48.860 --> 01:20:51.020
What do they say they like to spend their time doing?

1300
01:20:51.020 --> 01:20:52.620
I look at their pictures.

1301
01:20:52.620 --> 01:20:55.120
And so a lot of men don't always have great profiles,

1302
01:20:55.120 --> 01:20:56.360
but they have different things.

1303
01:20:56.360 --> 01:20:59.220
Let's say they put on their 420 friendly.

1304
01:20:59.860 --> 01:21:00.860
Well, that ain't my type.

1305
01:21:00.860 --> 01:21:01.700
They're 420 friends.

1306
01:21:01.700 --> 01:21:02.580
What does that mean?

1307
01:21:02.580 --> 01:21:03.420
I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

1308
01:21:03.420 --> 01:21:05.340
They're friends with people who smoke marijuana.

1309
01:21:05.340 --> 01:21:06.180
Okay, we'll look.

1310
01:21:06.180 --> 01:21:07.020
Oh!

1311
01:21:07.020 --> 01:21:09.100
Right, 420 friendly.

1312
01:21:09.100 --> 01:21:10.940
Like, okay, that's not my type.

1313
01:21:10.940 --> 01:21:12.140
And I know we got to speed up

1314
01:21:12.140 --> 01:21:13.740
because it's almost 8.30, we got to go.

1315
01:21:13.740 --> 01:21:16.260
But, so those are some of the things I look for.

1316
01:21:16.260 --> 01:21:19.260
And I just look to see,

1317
01:21:19.260 --> 01:21:21.060
sometimes whatever they do say,

1318
01:21:21.060 --> 01:21:23.880
I look to see the quality of what they say.

1319
01:21:23.880 --> 01:21:24.800
What matters most?

1320
01:21:24.800 --> 01:21:25.980
I look to see if they're negative.

1321
01:21:25.980 --> 01:21:28.340
And this is something Jackie actually teaches.

1322
01:21:28.340 --> 01:21:29.380
When you make a profile,

1323
01:21:29.380 --> 01:21:31.360
you start with what you don't want

1324
01:21:31.360 --> 01:21:32.640
and what you have to be.

1325
01:21:32.640 --> 01:21:34.380
I've seen a lot of men do that.

1326
01:21:34.380 --> 01:21:35.820
I don't want no drama.

1327
01:21:35.820 --> 01:21:37.380
I want a woman to be my piece.

1328
01:21:37.380 --> 01:21:39.580
Well, look, you need to go get your own piece.

1329
01:21:39.580 --> 01:21:42.180
Then what you need to bring your own piece to the table.

1330
01:21:42.180 --> 01:21:44.660
That, don't look for me to be your piece.

1331
01:21:44.660 --> 01:21:47.620
What you, well, I got to bring peace to you, right?

1332
01:21:47.620 --> 01:21:49.420
You need to work that out for yourself.

1333
01:21:49.420 --> 01:21:51.500
But that's the real thing.

1334
01:21:51.500 --> 01:21:54.700
Like, they're defending themselves or they, you know,

1335
01:21:54.700 --> 01:21:56.360
I was just like, don't worry about that.

1336
01:21:56.360 --> 01:21:57.200
That's negative.

1337
01:21:57.240 --> 01:21:59.200
And it feels negative when you read it.

1338
01:22:00.760 --> 01:22:01.600
Oh, wow.

1339
01:22:01.600 --> 01:22:04.240
They say gardening is another code word for weed as well.

1340
01:22:04.240 --> 01:22:07.040
So I hope that in my talking that you're getting,

1341
01:22:07.040 --> 01:22:11.080
this is how I evaluate a profile.

1342
01:22:11.080 --> 01:22:13.120
So I don't always look for what they say.

1343
01:22:14.080 --> 01:22:17.320
So does attraction necessary

1344
01:22:17.320 --> 01:22:20.080
or like, since it's just for discovery?

1345
01:22:20.080 --> 01:22:21.760
I mean, I'm not saying you go here today

1346
01:22:21.760 --> 01:22:24.600
with somebody you're like totally like, oh, but.

1347
01:22:24.600 --> 01:22:26.040
They can't look like no alligator.

1348
01:22:26.040 --> 01:22:28.000
It ain't gonna work no crocodile.

1349
01:22:28.000 --> 01:22:30.280
But attraction does matter.

1350
01:22:30.280 --> 01:22:33.380
And it's up to the person how much attraction does matter.

1351
01:22:33.380 --> 01:22:34.480
There have been so many.

1352
01:22:34.480 --> 01:22:36.640
I just selected, they were just too fine.

1353
01:22:36.640 --> 01:22:40.880
I just said, golly, I just cannot pass this Mexican up.

1354
01:22:40.880 --> 01:22:41.720
No.

1355
01:22:45.640 --> 01:22:47.200
He like, he'll be okay.

1356
01:22:47.200 --> 01:22:49.200
Anyway, now attraction,

1357
01:22:49.200 --> 01:22:51.360
if it depends on your level of attraction

1358
01:22:51.360 --> 01:22:52.680
that matters for you.

1359
01:22:53.240 --> 01:22:56.340
I don't have a high level.

1360
01:22:57.720 --> 01:23:01.960
I'm pretty, I'm pretty like even keel.

1361
01:23:01.960 --> 01:23:05.840
You don't have to, you know.

1362
01:23:05.840 --> 01:23:08.120
Actually, if it's a man who's like in a gym

1363
01:23:08.120 --> 01:23:10.280
and showing off his muscles, I pass him up.

1364
01:23:11.600 --> 01:23:15.120
I feel like, I just feel like, I feel like it's vanity.

1365
01:23:15.120 --> 01:23:18.480
I just feel like, oh, what you trying to, you know,

1366
01:23:18.480 --> 01:23:19.960
I don't know, I don't like that.

1367
01:23:19.960 --> 01:23:22.480
But some people may like it, but it's just not my style.

1368
01:23:23.280 --> 01:23:25.320
I'm like, ah, you just want to show off your body.

1369
01:23:25.320 --> 01:23:27.560
I don't know, but it's up to you.

1370
01:23:27.560 --> 01:23:29.880
Don't feel like there has to be a level of attraction.

1371
01:23:29.880 --> 01:23:32.360
But if it's somebody you think they're quality,

1372
01:23:32.360 --> 01:23:37.360
remember that you, you're dating, you want to go on a date.

1373
01:23:40.720 --> 01:23:42.400
That's just, you want to go on a date.

1374
01:23:42.400 --> 01:23:46.400
And so if you see somebody that's quality

1375
01:23:46.400 --> 01:23:47.560
and you look at them and be like,

1376
01:23:47.560 --> 01:23:49.280
if they nose was a little smaller,

1377
01:23:49.280 --> 01:23:50.560
I might could go out with them.

1378
01:23:50.560 --> 01:23:53.840
Well, you might want to give that person a chance, right?

1379
01:23:53.840 --> 01:23:55.760
Or if you look at them like, oh, they seem great.

1380
01:23:55.760 --> 01:23:58.280
And then they put that they five, five,

1381
01:23:58.280 --> 01:24:01.040
and you be like, oh no,

1382
01:24:01.040 --> 01:24:04.320
then like you might want to give them an opportunity.

1383
01:24:04.320 --> 01:24:06.480
Remember, you're not trying to marry them.

1384
01:24:06.480 --> 01:24:07.960
You just, you know.

1385
01:24:07.960 --> 01:24:09.800
What about age, like?

1386
01:24:09.800 --> 01:24:10.880
Uh-huh, age.

1387
01:24:10.880 --> 01:24:13.440
Because, yeah.

1388
01:24:13.440 --> 01:24:15.320
So how old are you?

1389
01:24:15.320 --> 01:24:16.720
I'm 29.

1390
01:24:16.720 --> 01:24:19.000
29, so you're really young.

1391
01:24:19.000 --> 01:24:20.800
So you can go up.

1392
01:24:20.800 --> 01:24:23.400
Jackie teaches that we date in season

1393
01:24:23.400 --> 01:24:26.360
or you marry in seasons, seasons of life.

1394
01:24:26.360 --> 01:24:27.320
So you're 29.

1395
01:24:27.320 --> 01:24:30.000
What if somebody had three toddlers or three little kids?

1396
01:24:30.000 --> 01:24:31.480
You might say, oh no, that's not for me.

1397
01:24:31.480 --> 01:24:33.720
I'm not in a season of raising toddlers

1398
01:24:33.720 --> 01:24:36.360
or someone who has children that are already almost adults.

1399
01:24:36.360 --> 01:24:38.160
You're not going to go back, right?

1400
01:24:38.160 --> 01:24:40.520
So seasons has to do with that too.

1401
01:24:40.520 --> 01:24:45.000
And so when you talk about age, it's up to you.

1402
01:24:45.000 --> 01:24:48.440
You can go up seven years, go down two years.

1403
01:24:48.440 --> 01:24:53.560
Women can tend to date men that are older without a problem.

1404
01:24:53.560 --> 01:24:56.400
Men that are older sometimes are more established.

1405
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:05.600
Women, we come in the world with an intrinsic value and we have to add to it.

1406
01:25:05.600 --> 01:25:07.840
Men build themselves over time,

1407
01:25:07.840 --> 01:25:09.860
and that's why you can get with a man,

1408
01:25:09.860 --> 01:25:14.320
a woman can get with a man that's 10 years older than her and have a pleasant life,

1409
01:25:14.320 --> 01:25:17.760
because he's already built and established some things.

1410
01:25:17.760 --> 01:25:19.740
Men build as they go.

1411
01:25:19.740 --> 01:25:24.540
That's why you can't look at a man that's 29 and demand of him what a 50-year-old man has,

1412
01:25:24.540 --> 01:25:27.620
because men have to build what they're going to have.

1413
01:25:27.620 --> 01:25:29.600
Women come with their value.

1414
01:25:29.600 --> 01:25:31.040
They come with the womb.

1415
01:25:31.040 --> 01:25:32.660
They come with everything they need.

1416
01:25:32.660 --> 01:25:34.660
They come with intuition.

1417
01:25:34.660 --> 01:25:37.180
They come with all of these things,

1418
01:25:37.180 --> 01:25:38.980
and we just build upon that.

1419
01:25:38.980 --> 01:25:42.340
Men have to literally build everything that they get.

1420
01:25:43.500 --> 01:25:45.620
Does that make sense?

1421
01:25:45.620 --> 01:25:46.460
Yeah.

1422
01:25:46.460 --> 01:25:51.060
So you want to be appropriate in that way,

1423
01:25:51.060 --> 01:25:54.380
and you may find that you don't mind a guy that's a little bit older,

1424
01:25:54.380 --> 01:25:55.780
go for older.

1425
01:25:55.780 --> 01:25:58.340
It depends on what season of life you're in.

1426
01:25:58.360 --> 01:25:59.640
Okay. Thank you.

1427
01:25:59.640 --> 01:26:01.320
You're welcome. I hope that helps.

1428
01:26:01.320 --> 01:26:03.480
I'll come back again to report.

1429
01:26:03.480 --> 01:26:04.560
I'm going to try.

1430
01:26:04.560 --> 01:26:06.240
Okay. That'd be great.

1431
01:26:06.240 --> 01:26:09.720
Next person. I think we should kind of, oh, Joanne?

1432
01:26:09.720 --> 01:26:11.200
Yeah. I'm here.

1433
01:26:11.200 --> 01:26:12.240
Okay.

1434
01:26:12.240 --> 01:26:19.640
I'm here. So I have these ups and downs that I've been going through.

1435
01:26:19.640 --> 01:26:22.080
I get really excited like, yes,

1436
01:26:22.080 --> 01:26:25.520
I'm going to fast and pray for my future husband.

1437
01:26:25.520 --> 01:26:28.240
I'm going to work on me because throughout my whole life,

1438
01:26:28.240 --> 01:26:29.740
I've been in church all my life now,

1439
01:26:29.740 --> 01:26:34.100
I was barely born on a pew in church all my life.

1440
01:26:34.100 --> 01:26:38.020
So I'm on this roller coaster trying to be really positive,

1441
01:26:38.020 --> 01:26:42.860
and then I hit that down slope after so many bad dates,

1442
01:26:42.860 --> 01:26:47.140
and it's like I'm trying to fight those negative thoughts.

1443
01:26:47.140 --> 01:26:50.420
It seems like a lot of Christian coaches,

1444
01:26:50.420 --> 01:26:54.540
they're always saying, oh, there's an abundance of godly men,

1445
01:26:54.540 --> 01:26:55.660
marriage-binding men.

1446
01:26:55.660 --> 01:26:57.300
There's so many men out there.

1447
01:26:57.320 --> 01:26:59.240
I'm like, well, if that's true,

1448
01:26:59.240 --> 01:27:02.480
then why there's so many millions of single women all around the world?

1449
01:27:02.480 --> 01:27:05.400
It's not just me. I'm seeing it all the time.

1450
01:27:05.400 --> 01:27:09.920
Another thing, I'm so sick and tired of hearing,

1451
01:27:09.920 --> 01:27:11.440
oh, rejection for protection.

1452
01:27:11.440 --> 01:27:13.880
I'm like, okay, again, if there's so many great men out here,

1453
01:27:13.880 --> 01:27:16.360
then why do we need all this protection?

1454
01:27:16.840 --> 01:27:20.840
I can tell you there's a lot of traffic lights outside.

1455
01:27:20.840 --> 01:27:25.160
I don't have to, and you know it's a fact because you see them all the time.

1456
01:27:25.180 --> 01:27:27.780
You get in your car, you're hitting light after light after light.

1457
01:27:27.780 --> 01:27:29.300
There are a lot of traffic lights out there,

1458
01:27:29.300 --> 01:27:31.620
but then they're like, oh, there's an abundance of godly men.

1459
01:27:31.620 --> 01:27:34.500
I'm like, okay, well, why are we not running into them if that's a fact?

1460
01:27:34.500 --> 01:27:35.380
You know what I'm saying?

1461
01:27:35.380 --> 01:27:36.260
Yeah.

1462
01:27:36.260 --> 01:27:39.020
Another thing I'm going to throw at you, it's a whole lot.

1463
01:27:39.020 --> 01:27:40.540
Okay.

1464
01:27:40.540 --> 01:27:43.220
Another thing I'm dealing with is,

1465
01:27:43.220 --> 01:27:48.060
okay, God designed the human brain to slowly develop over time.

1466
01:27:48.060 --> 01:27:52.860
Your brain is not fully developed until you're between the ages of 21 and 25, okay?

1467
01:27:53.440 --> 01:27:55.160
That's why you can't drink until you're about 21

1468
01:27:55.160 --> 01:27:57.360
because they're hoping that most of your brain is developed

1469
01:27:57.360 --> 01:28:00.200
before you can actually go get a drink by 21, you know?

1470
01:28:00.200 --> 01:28:04.400
So, my thing is, okay, if God designed us the way he designed us, right,

1471
01:28:04.400 --> 01:28:07.320
and he doesn't want us to have sex until we're married,

1472
01:28:07.320 --> 01:28:10.560
then why not have that sexual desire develop later on in life

1473
01:28:10.560 --> 01:28:13.520
when he wants us to be married around that time, you know?

1474
01:28:16.480 --> 01:28:19.320
So, that's what I'm trying to wrap my head around.

1475
01:28:20.300 --> 01:28:21.300
Okay.

1476
01:28:21.300 --> 01:28:24.060
So, let's start from the top,

1477
01:28:24.060 --> 01:28:26.740
from the first couple of things you talked about,

1478
01:28:26.740 --> 01:28:28.940
this rejection for protection,

1479
01:28:28.940 --> 01:28:33.620
and there are a lot of kingdom men for you to choose from.

1480
01:28:33.620 --> 01:28:37.020
I was sharing this with someone, and I think that it does well,

1481
01:28:37.020 --> 01:28:41.100
especially when you're from...

1482
01:28:41.100 --> 01:28:43.220
What age are you, Shekinah?

1483
01:28:43.220 --> 01:28:45.740
41. I just turned 41, May 9th.

1484
01:28:45.740 --> 01:28:47.140
Woo-hoo!

1485
01:28:47.400 --> 01:28:52.280
Especially when you are from a matriarchally-led people group.

1486
01:28:52.280 --> 01:28:58.040
And so, this may be more so geared toward women of color more than...

1487
01:28:58.040 --> 01:29:04.920
Because the Caucasian culture is still mostly patriarchally-led.

1488
01:29:04.920 --> 01:29:08.120
But let me tell you what happens in the breakdown of society,

1489
01:29:08.120 --> 01:29:11.200
and this is something that we have to be mindful of.

1490
01:29:11.200 --> 01:29:15.640
So, we have, in the Black community,

1491
01:29:15.700 --> 01:29:18.780
we have, and it was at one point, I don't know what it is now,

1492
01:29:18.780 --> 01:29:21.900
73% single-parent homes.

1493
01:29:21.900 --> 01:29:24.580
That means there are no fathers in the home.

1494
01:29:24.580 --> 01:29:25.700
You get me?

1495
01:29:25.700 --> 01:29:30.300
We have a culture that teaches women not to respect men.

1496
01:29:30.300 --> 01:29:31.180
That's our culture.

1497
01:29:31.180 --> 01:29:32.860
It's embedded in the American culture

1498
01:29:32.860 --> 01:29:36.180
that you get respect when you give respect.

1499
01:29:36.180 --> 01:29:37.620
That's not scripture.

1500
01:29:37.620 --> 01:29:40.780
The office of a husband requires respect.

1501
01:29:40.780 --> 01:29:42.220
Paul talked about two things.

1502
01:29:42.220 --> 01:29:44.460
He said that women are to respect their husbands,

1503
01:29:44.480 --> 01:29:48.920
and then he gives men nine other things that they must do.

1504
01:29:48.920 --> 01:29:50.880
That's the office.

1505
01:29:50.880 --> 01:29:52.560
When you come into that place,

1506
01:29:52.560 --> 01:29:54.080
that is the office of the husband,

1507
01:29:54.080 --> 01:29:57.880
that's the office of a wife, and this is what it requires.

1508
01:29:57.880 --> 01:29:59.440
Now, what am I saying?

1509
01:29:59.440 --> 01:30:00.280
Where am I going?

1510
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:07.120
point. If you are a black woman and you understand that your black homes lack fathers, that means

1511
01:30:07.120 --> 01:30:11.880
you're going to get some black men who don't know what it's like to be a father and who

1512
01:30:11.880 --> 01:30:15.200
doesn't know what it looks like for a husband to love his wife.

1513
01:30:15.200 --> 01:30:16.840
Oh, true. Okay.

1514
01:30:16.840 --> 01:30:25.320
When you understand what your pool is to choose from, you then have to add in some, some,

1515
01:30:25.320 --> 01:30:31.200
some contingencies because that man also, if he operates in awareness, knows he needs

1516
01:30:31.200 --> 01:30:35.440
to add in some contingencies because this girl may have never seen a woman respect a

1517
01:30:35.440 --> 01:30:40.920
man. As a matter of fact, she's probably was abandoned by her father. And so he has to

1518
01:30:40.920 --> 01:30:45.280
show up with the capacity to help cultivate that woman in that way. So one of the key

1519
01:30:45.280 --> 01:30:51.000
things he's going to look for is that she's teachable because though she may, he may have

1520
01:30:51.000 --> 01:30:55.800
to help her grow in respect. If she's teachable, she wants to learn because she wants to stick

1521
01:30:55.800 --> 01:31:00.440
with the order because she knows that there's a reward in the order that guys put in place.

1522
01:31:00.440 --> 01:31:05.320
All right. So here we go. You're a black woman. You're looking for somebody from the pool

1523
01:31:05.320 --> 01:31:08.160
that you're dating. It's kind of like when people say, well, I don't want to do online

1524
01:31:08.160 --> 01:31:11.600
dating, which you don't have to do online dating, but the world has moved so much to

1525
01:31:11.600 --> 01:31:17.720
online dating. When you go out in the wild, men, they don't want to say nothing. But back

1526
01:31:17.720 --> 01:31:23.200
in the day, the only person who says something was the man. Women didn't approach no man

1527
01:31:23.200 --> 01:31:27.600
like it was a done deal even before they and family set up people. And in some places they

1528
01:31:27.600 --> 01:31:33.480
still do. But we're talking about the moving of the times and the time that you live in.

1529
01:31:33.480 --> 01:31:36.600
So if you refuse to come to grips with the time that you live in, then that's going to

1530
01:31:36.600 --> 01:31:40.680
be some kind of sometimes unfortunate for you. So that's the only place I'm trying to

1531
01:31:40.680 --> 01:31:46.000
speed us up to where we are. And so that does look like a lack of kingdom men. And it does

1532
01:31:46.040 --> 01:31:50.680
look like it's not a whole lot for the picking. But what I'm saying is when we get a perspective

1533
01:31:50.680 --> 01:31:56.400
on what our picking is, it helps us pick just a little bit differently. So then I gave this

1534
01:31:56.400 --> 01:32:01.000
example. I don't know where I was, but listen to this. You go into a neighborhood and you

1535
01:32:01.000 --> 01:32:05.280
know, Oh, I now know who I get, who I talked to this about. So let's go in this neighborhood

1536
01:32:05.280 --> 01:32:09.720
with all these big, beautiful homes. And you say, when I get my home, I want it to have

1537
01:32:09.720 --> 01:32:15.440
mature trees. I want it to be big. Well, if you want a mature tree, we already know that

1538
01:32:15.440 --> 01:32:21.120
you can't move into no new bill. Can you? New bills don't have mature trees. Older homes

1539
01:32:21.120 --> 01:32:26.840
have mature trees. Older homes come with more land, but this is what you want. You've already

1540
01:32:26.840 --> 01:32:32.000
dreamed of it. And so you go to the neighborhood where the houses are with the mature trees

1541
01:32:32.000 --> 01:32:36.680
and you walk in there and they say, listen, you look around. Oh, this is it. I like this

1542
01:32:36.680 --> 01:32:41.240
house in a real to say the only problem is we're going to have to do a good job in the

1543
01:32:41.240 --> 01:32:46.040
bathroom because the pipes have worn out. And in that back bedroom, um, there's been

1544
01:32:46.040 --> 01:32:49.560
some leaks over there and over here, the kitchen is going to have to be good because it doesn't

1545
01:32:49.560 --> 01:32:53.240
look just like you want it to look. And a matter of fact, the other two back rooms are

1546
01:32:53.240 --> 01:32:56.200
filled with mold. So they're going to have to be stripped down. We're probably going

1547
01:32:56.200 --> 01:32:59.240
to have to go into the attic and snatch some down. And you're going to say, wait a minute.

1548
01:33:01.160 --> 01:33:07.400
I ain't going to do all that. We ain't even got the money for that. I can't do that. That's,

1549
01:33:07.400 --> 01:33:10.840
that's not going to work for me. And then somebody else come behind you and they walk

1550
01:33:10.840 --> 01:33:15.160
in and the realtor tell them the same thing. They say, perfect. I already know how to do this.

1551
01:33:15.160 --> 01:33:18.920
I know how to do that. We got the money set aside for this in there, right? We got this,

1552
01:33:18.920 --> 01:33:22.600
I can do this. I can fix it up and be just like I want. But guess what? She kind of,

1553
01:33:22.600 --> 01:33:26.440
you're not left with that one. You can go down the street and it's another house. And the only

1554
01:33:26.440 --> 01:33:30.200
thing that has to be done is you're going to have to decorate the kitchen, uh, do a little

1555
01:33:30.200 --> 01:33:34.360
work in the bathroom and do a little work here. And it's the perfect house for you too.

1556
01:33:34.920 --> 01:33:40.360
What am I saying to you? We're in a market with houses. They all come with some type of fixing up

1557
01:33:40.360 --> 01:33:45.240
that has to happen. You're going to have to know what you're equipped with for the house that

1558
01:33:45.240 --> 01:33:50.520
you're going to purchase or the house that you can get. And you may not be the one for the good job

1559
01:33:50.520 --> 01:33:54.040
of the most of the house and doing the piping, but you may be perfect for the one that's going

1560
01:33:54.040 --> 01:33:58.280
to fix up the bathroom and do a little something, something with the kitchen and paint the cabinets

1561
01:33:58.280 --> 01:34:03.640
and paint the walls and do your perfect color. Are you tracking with me? And so when we're looking

1562
01:34:04.440 --> 01:34:09.560
at the market, you have to look at the market through the lens of self-awareness of yourself,

1563
01:34:09.560 --> 01:34:16.760
what you're equipped with and not just that. What do you need? What areas have you fallen short in

1564
01:34:16.760 --> 01:34:21.640
that you need to look for a specific skill set in the man that you're choosing possibly.

1565
01:34:22.200 --> 01:34:28.680
So no, he may not be those things you had on your list. Never. It's going to be void of mature

1566
01:34:28.680 --> 01:34:33.880
marriage mind. That's never a compromise. That's the foundation. That's the foundation. Let's,

1567
01:34:33.880 --> 01:34:39.560
let's keep this clear. That's the foundation that don't move. So can I find a righteous man? Yep.

1568
01:34:40.520 --> 01:34:45.160
May not speak in tongue, may not lay hands and may not cast out devils. Is he righteous?

1569
01:34:45.160 --> 01:34:48.840
Okay. That's my first, that's my first criteria. He don't have to be righteous.

1570
01:34:49.720 --> 01:34:53.320
He's going to have to be mature in some way. He may not be mature in this way,

1571
01:34:53.320 --> 01:34:58.360
but he's mature in all the ways that I need him to be mature because I can tell that he can grow.

1572
01:34:58.360 --> 01:35:00.600
So I'm going to watch him over.

1573
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.480
time to see how well he grows. I'm going to be a fruit inspector. I'm going to take some time

1574
01:35:04.480 --> 01:35:11.600
because I think he got some good bones. And so sometimes we have to shift our perspective to good

1575
01:35:11.600 --> 01:35:20.080
bones. That's it. And so no, the world is not filled of these kingdom men that fit everything

1576
01:35:20.080 --> 01:35:24.800
on our profiles. It's just absolutely ready to go. But what if it's filled with somebody

1577
01:35:24.800 --> 01:35:30.320
that once you've profiled yourself, you find that you need somebody who has a strength in this area

1578
01:35:30.320 --> 01:35:34.160
and strength in this area because you need cultivation. Everybody needs some cultivation.

1579
01:35:34.160 --> 01:35:38.480
And you are equipped with this, this, this. You're not looking for a project. I did not say that.

1580
01:35:39.360 --> 01:35:45.040
We're not looking for projects. I did not say that. You are still looking for a man that is mature,

1581
01:35:45.040 --> 01:35:48.960
marriage minded, and masculine. And that comes on all type of levels.

1582
01:35:49.760 --> 01:35:54.720
That's all type of levels. Some people, their husband only has to go to church with them.

1583
01:35:56.000 --> 01:36:00.880
Ain't nothing wrong with that. That's the level that they're in. But somebody else is knee deep

1584
01:36:00.880 --> 01:36:05.360
in ministry. They're going to have to have a husband that has capacity for that. They're

1585
01:36:05.360 --> 01:36:09.520
going to have to have a husband that go, he's not coming to fit you because you're his Ezra.

1586
01:36:09.520 --> 01:36:14.560
You're actually his help. And so that's the thing that has to be realized too, because sometimes we

1587
01:36:15.280 --> 01:36:19.040
show up to the market saying, what can you do for me? When actually the scripture says,

1588
01:36:19.040 --> 01:36:25.600
you're coming to help him. Yeah. We're the help mate. We're the help mate. And we got this list

1589
01:36:25.600 --> 01:36:33.600
like you ain't, you can't serve me. Ain't nothing you can do for me. And of course,

1590
01:36:34.240 --> 01:36:39.840
one gives way to the other. If you get a husband that's righteous and teachable,

1591
01:36:40.720 --> 01:36:46.720
if you get a husband who's wise and integrious, then don't you know that he has the wisdom?

1592
01:36:46.720 --> 01:36:51.520
Don't you know this man can hear from the spirit of God and he makes space for you as you make

1593
01:36:51.520 --> 01:37:01.040
space for him. That's just the way it goes. One begets the other. And so that's what I want to

1594
01:37:01.040 --> 01:37:06.320
share with you Shekinah. And I think that it really helps when we adjust to our, where we are,

1595
01:37:06.880 --> 01:37:12.000
what people group we're choosing from, our expectations, knowing that me and Bill,

1596
01:37:12.000 --> 01:37:17.200
like sometimes somebody may say, oh, well, yeah. So there are a lot of things we could say,

1597
01:37:17.200 --> 01:37:23.440
but I think that's a really good perspective to have. And it may help bring breakthrough.

1598
01:37:25.280 --> 01:37:33.680
They have to show grace. And then the other thing is, I believe that one of the parts of,

1599
01:37:34.640 --> 01:37:40.480
so I believe culturally, we are in a culture about when a person gets married, when a person

1600
01:37:40.480 --> 01:37:45.760
doesn't get married. In some cultures, women get married when they're 12 and 11 and 13.

1601
01:37:49.680 --> 01:37:55.600
My mama always says, she's a nurse, still is, almost 50 years. She said a 13 year old can

1602
01:37:55.600 --> 01:38:00.800
spit out a baby and bounce back like it's nothing. She said, I always wonder if that's the age you're

1603
01:38:00.800 --> 01:38:04.480
supposed to have babies. She said, I know it sounds strange, but the way they bounce back,

1604
01:38:04.480 --> 01:38:09.120
she said, they spit babies out like it's 14, 15, the baby just pop out and they keep going to keep

1605
01:38:09.120 --> 01:38:14.800
going. But every culture is different. So it's shown upon in our culture. I am saying that to

1606
01:38:14.800 --> 01:38:21.360
say this, no, I don't believe in pedophile stuff. That's not my point. My point is this,

1607
01:38:21.360 --> 01:38:28.640
I can't give you an answer. In our culture, you wait sometime, you know, we don't get married at

1608
01:38:28.640 --> 01:38:34.960
12 and 13, it's against the law, unless your parents sign you over. But I do know you get an

1609
01:38:34.960 --> 01:38:40.160
opportunity to bring your flesh on the subjection to the order you decided for it to operate in.

1610
01:38:41.280 --> 01:38:49.920
I do know that you have that ability within you to say, I know if come you ready to make a baby,

1611
01:38:49.920 --> 01:38:54.160
because that's what happens when the body is ready to make a baby. I know you want to make

1612
01:38:54.160 --> 01:38:58.800
a baby and that's why you feeling all hot and horny right now, but we're not making a baby this

1613
01:38:58.800 --> 01:39:04.320
month because we're not married yet. And so, because I run this temple, you're going to come

1614
01:39:04.320 --> 01:39:10.000
under the order that I said, and this is the order that I said, because if I don't put you under

1615
01:39:10.000 --> 01:39:14.880
order, you're going to lead me into some places that don't serve me best. You're going to lead

1616
01:39:14.880 --> 01:39:20.880
me to some heartbreak. And I'm not willing to let you who have no direction, unless I give it to you,

1617
01:39:20.960 --> 01:39:25.760
tell me what to do. And that's what I think about that.

1618
01:39:27.200 --> 01:39:31.440
Okay. Thank you for your input. You're welcome, Shekinah.

1619
01:39:33.200 --> 01:39:39.040
All right, Joanne, uh-oh, 840. Joanne, go for it. Go for it for two strong minutes.

1620
01:39:39.040 --> 01:39:46.400
I have a lot of praises to share. And I have a short question, but like,

1621
01:39:46.720 --> 01:39:54.720
um, I asked this guy, Al, who's my friend. I'm so proud of myself. And he said he upgraded from

1622
01:39:54.720 --> 01:39:59.840
coffee to dinner. And I just like this guy so much. He's

1623
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.520
Like he's like a teddy bear to me and we spent like six hours probably breaking the rule but um

1624
01:40:06.480 --> 01:40:11.680
Like we had dinner and then we played ping-pong we watched a movie, but it just I just like this guy

1625
01:40:11.680 --> 01:40:15.920
But he's like a lot younger than me. Okay. He's 13 years. Okay. What is the light?

1626
01:40:16.880 --> 01:40:21.840
Oh, i'm like 46 right almost 47. He's 34 or something like that

1627
01:40:23.760 --> 01:40:29.440
I told him I told him like hey, is this like so I clarify is this a day he's like and then he's like

1628
01:40:29.440 --> 01:40:32.320
Yeah, let's make it a day and i'm like great. I just want you know

1629
01:40:33.040 --> 01:40:38.080
I'm 46. What do you think and he's like, it's fine. I'm like, all right, cool. Um

1630
01:40:40.320 --> 01:40:43.760
So anyways, that's matthew i'm just waiting for him to

1631
01:40:44.400 --> 01:40:48.240
Like ask me out again. He said he wanted to do it again. I'm like, yeah, I'd love for you

1632
01:40:48.480 --> 01:40:50.480
I'd love to go out again. So

1633
01:40:50.560 --> 01:40:52.160
I'm, just waiting on that

1634
01:40:52.160 --> 01:40:55.200
and um, so I am gonna see

1635
01:40:55.920 --> 01:40:58.560
Uh, the guy went on a hike with like two weeks ago

1636
01:40:58.800 --> 01:41:00.800
I'm gonna see him again on friday

1637
01:41:01.040 --> 01:41:06.960
And the guy ray who you know was talking a lot. I did tell him I told him how I felt

1638
01:41:07.280 --> 01:41:11.760
And he handled it really well. He's the same guy that I wrote to you on the chat like on the

1639
01:41:12.400 --> 01:41:13.520
app

1640
01:41:13.520 --> 01:41:17.520
yeah about the name and we talked it through i'm so proud of myself because

1641
01:41:18.480 --> 01:41:19.920
I was I was

1642
01:41:19.920 --> 01:41:23.200
Realizing I was getting triggered about like mom stuff

1643
01:41:23.360 --> 01:41:28.800
Like I was scared that he's gonna gaslight me and if I like confront him and tell him how I felt

1644
01:41:29.200 --> 01:41:35.120
He was gonna like again gaslight me and blame me because that was kind of like what my mom did she has bipolar

1645
01:41:35.760 --> 01:41:43.280
So but he didn't he was very it was like very mature conversation. He told me his perspective. I told him my perspective. He was very

1646
01:41:44.240 --> 01:41:49.060
Uh was very mature so that's kind of my question we're gonna meet up on saturday

1647
01:41:50.160 --> 01:41:56.400
but it's like it's interesting because i've been talking to three people right and I think that's good for me because

1648
01:41:56.880 --> 01:41:59.680
I don't want to go too fast too soon. You know that and so

1649
01:42:00.640 --> 01:42:02.640
um

1650
01:42:02.640 --> 01:42:03.920
The thing is

1651
01:42:03.920 --> 01:42:04.960
like

1652
01:42:04.960 --> 01:42:09.440
I feel this unsettledness with ray that I don't feel with these other two guys

1653
01:42:10.400 --> 01:42:14.640
And i'm wondering is my discernment like saying there's something off

1654
01:42:15.200 --> 01:42:21.040
You know that I can't pinpoint it like maybe something with his baggage or divorce, right?

1655
01:42:21.120 --> 01:42:24.640
I don't want to delve into it because it's kind of really early. I haven't even met him

1656
01:42:25.360 --> 01:42:31.520
Um, but like when I talked to my counselor, she said everything seemed really it seems good. I mean he responded

1657
01:42:32.160 --> 01:42:34.640
Well with your desire for more balance

1658
01:42:35.360 --> 01:42:41.120
Um you you I talked to him about he he ended up apologizing he was supposed to get back to me about

1659
01:42:41.440 --> 01:42:45.680
Meeting up last week, but he never did but then he told me i'm really sorry

1660
01:42:45.760 --> 01:42:47.760
He took ownership and I told him how I felt

1661
01:42:48.160 --> 01:42:54.400
I just feel like it's very interesting because i haven't met him, but we have like really good conflict resolution skills

1662
01:42:54.400 --> 01:42:56.480
but i'm like this feels like reverse like

1663
01:42:57.120 --> 01:42:59.120
we still haven't even met and

1664
01:42:59.680 --> 01:43:01.680
Had much fun, but we are like

1665
01:43:02.320 --> 01:43:04.340
So good at like mature conversations

1666
01:43:04.960 --> 01:43:10.320
I don't know and then so i'm kind of like wondering is it is it my own issues my own triggers?

1667
01:43:11.040 --> 01:43:14.560
That god wants me to heal in this with this situation with ray

1668
01:43:14.640 --> 01:43:20.000
How much of it is that and how much of it is like my discernment saying there's something that's off that I feel

1669
01:43:20.780 --> 01:43:22.800
Unsettled about you know what I mean?

1670
01:43:24.320 --> 01:43:26.080
I know what you mean

1671
01:43:26.080 --> 01:43:29.760
But I believe that you need to meet up with him if you're going to meet up with him

1672
01:43:29.920 --> 01:43:33.760
I believe that it is too you don't know enough to make a decision

1673
01:43:35.280 --> 01:43:40.880
I just think you're trying to make a decision. You don't have enough information and that's why you have all these options in your head

1674
01:43:41.600 --> 01:43:45.200
Because you're trying to make a decision after something you don't have information to do

1675
01:43:46.160 --> 01:43:50.560
And so it's like is it this is it this is it this is it this anytime you can say is it this is it?

1676
01:43:50.560 --> 01:43:54.720
This is this is this you don't have enough information to make any decision

1677
01:43:55.040 --> 01:43:57.360
So you have to stop your mind from looping

1678
01:43:58.000 --> 01:43:59.920
About this person

1679
01:43:59.920 --> 01:44:01.920
Put it on the back burner

1680
01:44:02.480 --> 01:44:04.800
And go out on a date with him if you're going to go out on a date

1681
01:44:05.920 --> 01:44:10.080
Okay. Yeah, I am. I think that's kind of what i'm learning right ebony

1682
01:44:10.160 --> 01:44:13.600
I've been praying a lot about god's timing and not joanne's timing

1683
01:44:14.160 --> 01:44:18.960
Because it's not an issue only in dating to be honest is I tend to rush my life

1684
01:44:19.760 --> 01:44:22.880
Like my work my activities and i'm like really

1685
01:44:23.520 --> 01:44:29.780
Trying to align my timing with god's timing because every time I try to push I feel like it actually backfires

1686
01:44:30.400 --> 01:44:33.920
Like somehow whether it's me or the relationship, right?

1687
01:44:34.720 --> 01:44:36.640
so, um

1688
01:44:36.640 --> 01:44:39.920
And but I was very tempted several times to eject

1689
01:44:40.560 --> 01:44:44.320
but I i'm trying to just let things unfold instead of just like

1690
01:44:44.860 --> 01:44:49.280
Self-protection right what you shared. It's like oh no i'm feeling alarms of like

1691
01:44:50.000 --> 01:44:52.100
You know potential like dysfunction

1692
01:44:52.880 --> 01:44:54.880
So I want to get out of this

1693
01:44:54.880 --> 01:45:00.000
um, but then i'm glad that every time I do show up and you know, we do talk it's

1694
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:02.800
It's like better and better, you know?

1695
01:45:02.800 --> 01:45:05.840
Is that normal to have so many like little hiccups

1696
01:45:05.840 --> 01:45:06.920
until we meet though?

1697
01:45:06.920 --> 01:45:07.760
It's kind of weird.

1698
01:45:07.760 --> 01:45:08.920
It's been two weeks.

1699
01:45:08.920 --> 01:45:09.760
And I'm like-

1700
01:45:09.760 --> 01:45:11.480
Well, first of all, y'all been talking two weeks.

1701
01:45:11.480 --> 01:45:12.900
It's time to meet.

1702
01:45:12.900 --> 01:45:15.280
You're talking to somebody you haven't met, you know?

1703
01:45:15.280 --> 01:45:17.800
So y'all need to meet as soon as possible.

1704
01:45:17.800 --> 01:45:20.080
And probably you just cut back on all the talking

1705
01:45:20.080 --> 01:45:21.740
until you meet each other.

1706
01:45:21.740 --> 01:45:22.800
And I want you to remember,

1707
01:45:22.800 --> 01:45:26.980
even if you meet him and what you thought was right,

1708
01:45:26.980 --> 01:45:29.240
that's just information.

1709
01:45:30.300 --> 01:45:32.260
See, we try to pin something down

1710
01:45:32.260 --> 01:45:35.020
to get ahead of something to protect ourselves,

1711
01:45:35.020 --> 01:45:37.020
but you don't have to protect yourself.

1712
01:45:37.020 --> 01:45:40.020
So whatever ding you get, just make a mental note of it.

1713
01:45:40.020 --> 01:45:41.940
Like, oh, that's interesting.

1714
01:45:41.940 --> 01:45:44.700
And then you can see if you were right or wrong.

1715
01:45:44.700 --> 01:45:46.260
You have no commitment to this guy.

1716
01:45:46.260 --> 01:45:48.400
You're not marrying him.

1717
01:45:48.400 --> 01:45:49.240
None of those things.

1718
01:45:49.240 --> 01:45:50.860
Like there's nothing on the line.

1719
01:45:52.020 --> 01:45:54.660
So I don't need to tell,

1720
01:45:54.660 --> 01:45:56.820
even though he's just talking to me,

1721
01:45:57.740 --> 01:45:59.060
I don't need to tell him

1722
01:45:59.120 --> 01:46:03.080
I'm talking to other guys unless they clearly ask, right?

1723
01:46:03.080 --> 01:46:05.600
No, you don't have to tell him that.

1724
01:46:05.600 --> 01:46:07.040
Okay.

1725
01:46:07.040 --> 01:46:08.240
Sometimes I feel bad.

1726
01:46:08.240 --> 01:46:12.560
It's like, oh, he's doing it out of his own prerogative,

1727
01:46:12.560 --> 01:46:13.400
you know?

1728
01:46:13.400 --> 01:46:16.600
Yeah, but your feeling is not true.

1729
01:46:16.600 --> 01:46:18.000
Your feeling is just how you feel.

1730
01:46:18.000 --> 01:46:20.440
You've been programmed that way.

1731
01:46:20.440 --> 01:46:22.380
Oh, like the guilty feelings?

1732
01:46:22.380 --> 01:46:23.960
Yeah, that's a programming.

1733
01:46:23.960 --> 01:46:24.800
Yeah.

1734
01:46:24.800 --> 01:46:26.200
That says, you're a single woman.

1735
01:46:26.200 --> 01:46:27.680
Why can't you talk to anybody?

1736
01:46:27.700 --> 01:46:29.540
He's not asking you to be exclusive with him.

1737
01:46:29.540 --> 01:46:30.540
You're single.

1738
01:46:31.620 --> 01:46:33.940
So that tells you that this is a programming.

1739
01:46:33.940 --> 01:46:35.400
It's something you believe.

1740
01:46:37.660 --> 01:46:38.940
What truth is that?

1741
01:46:38.940 --> 01:46:40.380
There's not enough truth on that.

1742
01:46:40.380 --> 01:46:42.200
So if you're feeling guilty and feeling bad,

1743
01:46:42.200 --> 01:46:43.540
you have to deal with that guilty

1744
01:46:43.540 --> 01:46:45.140
and say, you have no home here.

1745
01:46:46.460 --> 01:46:48.200
I'm a single free woman.

1746
01:46:51.460 --> 01:46:52.300
Okay.

1747
01:46:52.300 --> 01:46:53.900
I know the uncomfortability that you're talking about.

1748
01:46:53.900 --> 01:46:56.140
I felt it before, but it's not true.

1749
01:46:58.300 --> 01:46:59.140
Okay.

1750
01:46:59.140 --> 01:46:59.960
Yeah, I'll see him.

1751
01:46:59.960 --> 01:47:03.580
I'll see that guy, one of the guys on Friday,

1752
01:47:03.580 --> 01:47:07.180
and then I'll see Ray on Saturday.

1753
01:47:07.180 --> 01:47:10.500
So, yeah.

1754
01:47:10.500 --> 01:47:12.980
Like, hopefully, that's another thing to navigate all that,

1755
01:47:12.980 --> 01:47:16.100
because I'm like, oh, that's a lot to navigate too.

1756
01:47:16.100 --> 01:47:16.940
Yeah.

1757
01:47:16.940 --> 01:47:17.780
You know?

1758
01:47:17.780 --> 01:47:18.600
Yeah.

1759
01:47:18.600 --> 01:47:20.580
Well, I hope you have fun.

1760
01:47:20.580 --> 01:47:21.420
I know you will.

1761
01:47:21.420 --> 01:47:22.240
Yeah, me too.

1762
01:47:22.240 --> 01:47:23.980
I'm learning to have fun and relax.

1763
01:47:23.980 --> 01:47:25.620
I used to be so like, ah.

1764
01:47:25.640 --> 01:47:28.360
But now I'm like learning to just like, you know,

1765
01:47:28.360 --> 01:47:31.280
just chill out, just chill, you know?

1766
01:47:31.280 --> 01:47:34.080
Not in a rush, not having this outcome,

1767
01:47:34.080 --> 01:47:35.280
like you were saying earlier.

1768
01:47:35.280 --> 01:47:39.920
So, yeah, yeah.

1769
01:47:39.920 --> 01:47:41.540
Okay.

1770
01:47:41.540 --> 01:47:42.500
All right.

1771
01:47:42.500 --> 01:47:43.760
Well, sounds good, ladies.

1772
01:47:43.760 --> 01:47:45.720
It has been a great night.

1773
01:47:45.720 --> 01:47:47.480
Post whatever other questions you have.

1774
01:47:47.480 --> 01:47:51.240
I hope that tonight was wonderful and that you enjoyed it

1775
01:47:51.240 --> 01:47:53.640
and that we learned some things.

1776
01:47:53.640 --> 01:47:55.480
If not, or disagree with some things,

1777
01:47:56.340 --> 01:47:57.540
it is a journey.

1778
01:47:57.540 --> 01:48:01.780
And so, happy dating, happy processing,

1779
01:48:01.780 --> 01:48:05.500
and happy fun times walking by faith with the Lord,

1780
01:48:05.500 --> 01:48:10.420
because this is indeed a faith journey to the fullest.

1781
01:48:10.420 --> 01:48:11.500
All right.

1782
01:48:11.500 --> 01:48:12.340
All right, ladies.

1783
01:48:12.340 --> 01:48:13.180
Have a good night.