Yay! Well, I'm going to open us up with prayer. Father, I thank you for these ladies. I'm
excited to hear heaven's solutions for every issue that we have. I'm excited for the journey
that the Lord has placed before each and every one of us, and that we get to do this with
the one who knows all, who sees all, and who has the perfect suitor just for us. And so
Jesus, we thank you for the equipping. We thank you for this phase and this time in
our life, because we realize we will never see it again. Once we say, I do, old things
will have been passed and new things would have come. And so we thank you for the time
that we have to grow and to build, to expand our tent pegs. The scripture says that the
boundary lines has fallen for us in pleasant places. I just declare over each one of these
ladies that the boundary lines have fallen for them in pleasant places. In Jesus' name,
amen. Amen. Amen. And if that's something, when you get discouraged, ladies, if you just
want to grab hold to that, the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. That's
something I remind myself of in prayer. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant
places. It beats, oh, I'm just forgotten about. Oh, it's never going to happen for me. No,
the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, right? And so I replace that. When
I see somebody else get married, I say, oh God, you're in my neighborhood. I see you
working, you coming close. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant. I'm not next,
I'm now. I'm not tomorrow, I am today. I do not forget these things. So whenever I see
his hand moving, that tells me he's in my neighborhood and he's on the way. He's still
doing the thing that I want to be done, because I know he do it because he did it for somebody
else. He must be on the way, right? So is there anyone on that this is your first time with us
on tonight? Lisa, I was going to say, I think it's you, Lisa. Well, good. Are you just now
coming to phase two? Is today your first day in phase two? Oh, it is. Yeah. I just rolled over
yesterday. Welcome. We're so happy to have you. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome.
This is, I like phase two a lot. It's one of my most favorite phases because I grew so much.
When I was in the program, Jackie was my coach. And so that'll really get you moving. And so
it's fun. The dating challenge, you may haven't listened to the welcome video yet, but they do
challenge you to have seven dates. And because it was an older video that was recorded, I think it's
like seven days to spring. But you're not required to have seven days before you go to phase three.
It's just encouragement to get you out there. This is not, you have to get on a dating app tomorrow
or any of those things. We just want to get you excited about the timing that you're in.
Because in this phase, we believe in dating for discovery. Now I know we came in, we wanted to
date for a husband. And that happens because if you discover somebody, you meet somebody,
that person, you got to meet them for them to be your husband. But in this phase, we want us all
to get to know ourselves through dating. And so no matter what happens in the dating process,
it's actually for discovery of yourself. And so thanks, Rachel. And so that's some of the
things we're going to talk about on tonight. We're going to talk about tonight, what does
divine rejection look like? What does pain look like? And what does identity mislabeling look like?
These are real things. They happen all the time. And so it is a habit of mine
to believe that when someone rejects me, sometimes we believe that it's actually
now our identity. And so sometimes when we start talking to somebody, we'll hold on for dear life
from a scarcity mindset. We don't want to be rejected. We don't be tall. So we don't want
to drop the hanky. We're so sure maybe the Lord convinced us that we wouldn't have to do it that
way. Whatever reasons we have is to guard something, is to protect something. And so we
see people and circumstances and situations through the lenses of our heart. And this is something
Jackie talks a great deal about in phase one. That is the perception of our heart that views
the world around us. And until we create new pathways in our brain, we will continue to
process the same things the same way. Ever since you were a little girl, you will continue to
process with your little girl program brain. And it's not no shame to you. This is how your brain
has been wired. Even in epigenetics, it was passed down to you to see life that way.
Like your parents saw it that way. I heard one psychologist say, and I thought it was so good.
He says, you are a compilation of the thoughts of your parents.
Whatever they believe, whatever their thinking was, they pass it on to you.
If I believe that the garbage can should
be this way. I believe it because somebody taught me this. So if I believe so, we are a compilation
of whatever their thoughts were. If they believe that when a girl goes to church, she shouldn't go
without pantyhose or stockings on, then you live by that law. And then you grow up and you be like,
well, I just don't think it's really that appropriate. But one day your parents thought
that, right? That thought was passed on to them. They pass it on to you. Like my mom say,
women shouldn't wear pants to church. She passed that on to me. I'll still do it,
but in the side of my head lives, you shouldn't wear pants to church. It's really not that
appropriate, right? No harm to it. But then my grandmother taught her that. And so we're just
a compilation of thoughts, passed down thoughts that were put into actions that produce behaviors
and these behaviors shaped us. So what are the things that we have to learn in dating? Because
dating is a skill. It really is. It is a skill to the fullest of skills. And so sometimes when
we sign up for something like this program and we come in, we don't understand that we're going to
be learning a new way of doing things. And that if the old way worked, you wouldn't be in this
program. That's the truth. If you knew how to do it, you wouldn't be in a community to help support
you because you need the support. And so what happens is one of the things that first happens
when we come into this community is a clash of our law versus these new guidelines or guardrails
or new thoughts. And all of Jackie's teaching is fun until it clashed against laws embedded within
us that we believe is the right way because we believe is the right way, though it has not
produced much for us in its rightness. Right. And so you have this clash. It's one of the first
things that happen, especially in this phase when it's time to date, because there are a lot of
things happening on the inside of us. Our past is speaking to us. Our wounds, our hurts, all
these things just kind of rolling around. And then we believe when we get to phase two, I've done the
hard work. What's this problem? Why is this popping up again? I must need to go back and do hard work
again. Hard work is a forever process. We're always pulling up things, planning new things,
pulling up things, planning up new things. One of the things that we're going to talk about tonight
that, you know, is that pain is a signal for us. It's not a defining moment. Pain gives us
information. Just like if you stick your hand on a stove and you get burned, that pain tells you
that my hand doesn't go on a hot stove. Pain is information. It is not, I stuck my hand on the
hot stove. I'm so stupid. Why did I do this stupid stuff? I'm just stupid. That was so dumb. Have you
ever done something like, that's so stupid. Why you do this stupid stuff? I've had that kind of
internal dialogue and that comes from inside because I took what happened outside of me and
I interpreted it with an old thought pattern about me. That's what I believe about me. And so I'm
going to give you a really good example. I had this really, she's still a friend, but she went out,
got married. It was messy. Really didn't, wasn't like, she felt like she heard the Lord. It was a
prophetic word. It was like all these things, this person prophesied this, this person prophesied that,
this lined up, God said this, then God said this, and then he had the dream and I had the dream.
And so even when you will try to gently say, you guys, it's hard to tell somebody
that God didn't tell them something. You're usually not going to do that.
You're not going to say to somebody, God didn't tell you that. So what you do is kind of lightly
say, well, do you have to go so fast? Can you just wait? And so this was what happened. So,
I was like, hey, it's no rush. I know that he's in another country, but it's no rush. You don't
have to jump over there and get married. He can come in for a little while. You can get someone
from the church to put them up. You can go on some dates. You can see what it's like to be around
each other. But it just wasn't working because she has so much confirmation and so many prophetic
words. So this is no shame to her. This is an example that I'm trying to pull together.
So she married him. He was a man of God too. And he was into a lot of stuff,
sex trafficking. Yeah, it was really bad. And so when she made it back to the States,
she called everybody in her circle, very accountable, everybody who gave her prophetic
word, everybody who ever said anything to her. And she sat there and she cried and she said,
can you believe he did this to me? And it shocked my sister.
Because I would have said how stupid of me to go over here and believe all this stuff I've made a mess.
She did not respond the way I would have responded based on how she sees herself.
She saw that this man lied to her. She saw that this man did something wrong to her.
But I, I processed it totally different.
And that's why I'm telling this story so you can see how two people can take a situation and process it totally different.
In dating, things are going to happen and it's based on how you process what is happening that determines how you go through the actual process.
Are we all together on what I'm saying? Like, I thought she had some nerves.
She's like, that's how much I believed. Like, I wasn't accusing her.
But I only when she said it shocked me to the highest level of shock because I knew I would have not responded that way.
I would have been so ashamed. I would have went ahead.
I would have felt like, what did I catch? What did I see? Why did I do this?
But she said he did these things. She told everybody what he did.
I wouldn't have told nobody. The reason why I wouldn't have told nobody is because I would have carried the shame.
I would have said it was me. I've been so stupid. Why did I do that? Why didn't I listen? What did I miss?
But she came back to her prophetic community and she said, you know, she said to one person, you say God told you this.
And then you remember you say God told you this and you remember you say God told you this.
And she said, I just don't understand how this could happen to me.
And and so I just want to give that she didn't allow this situation to say, tell her her identity.
She didn't allow this situation to speak about who she was as an individual.
She didn't allow that situation to say that she was worthless or she wasn't good enough or that she wasn't chosen.
She gave him all of what belonged to him. And I do mean every bit of it.
And it wasn't like she blamed him. No, she rightfully divided what belonged to him.
And so when we're dating, it is very important that we give people what belongs to them.
So. Not everything you feel is who you are.
That's our first point, not everything you feel is who you are, you can feel it and not be who you are.
As a matter of fact, we feel a lot of things as ladies. And so because we feel so well, it's very important that we are tedious not to allow those things that we feel to define us.
When when you let's say you get on a dating app and you're talking to somebody and it's going good and all of a sudden they ghost you.
How many people have the first thought to say, what did I say? Like, what did I do? What happened?
I thought it was going really good. That is or used to be.
Or I am I am I am bent toward that way to say, wait a minute. What happened? What did I say?
I thought it was going so good now. Because I operate in two like it's two things going on at one time, I quickly remind myself that's how they decided to show up.
Everyone gets a right to show up the way they want to show up. And I don't when I meet somebody else, I don't change over.
I get to be who I am. I'm not going to stop being who I am because of how another person chooses to show up.
And my encouragement to you is don't allow how someone else treats you to determine how you're going to show up.
You don't have to play games. You can just be you.
Put yourself under order. Submit to guardrails and boundaries and guard your heart without diligence.
And you don't have to build the walls of Jericho. You don't have to live in fear.
Is it scary? Yeah. But are you guarded and protected? Yes.
Sorry. Sorry, I'm back.
So so rejection, pain and emotional discomfort are experiences, but they're not just they're not identity statements.
Oh, wow. It's so good. I think it's Joanna. Joanna, are you singing?
You can't hear us. I don't want to leave. I want to listen.
Maybe we can get her to do a song for us later on. I didn't know she could sing so beautifully, but I think that I heard her mention it.
All right. And.
Oh, we need to be able to identify when we're feeling something and in the moment
when we're assigning it to ourselves in dating.
If you actually date, you'll become very you can become skilled at this.
So you can practice it in your dating life, you can practice it in everyday life.
If you've got a job, you can practice it.
You can practice this in anything.
The skill is very useful for you because you need it for the rest of your life.
You need to be able to assign things where they belong and not to yourself.
As women that are single, we're used to doing things all on our own.
We're used to things being all on us.
So that line of assigning it to yourself is thinner than you know.
Because if don't nobody do it, who's going to do it?
You.
If it's going to get done, it's going to be you.
And so we're already you already all over the line.
Like it's not a clear line in the area.
So
so Jackie teaches that divine rejection is not identity rejection.
The divine rejection is not what we call
a divine rejection, because we believe that when you're
rejected by someone or someone says there, no, the same way you have the right to say
no. That is for your own protection.
And sometimes in dating and I've heard
this so many times and you read the if you read the wall, you'll see it, too.
I just didn't want to mess anything up.
I mean, if it was going to be a good thing, I just didn't want to mess it up.
You cannot mess up what belongs to you.
I am telling you, if a man desires you,
even if you say something he didn't like, he's going to say, I choose you anyway.
This is how it works.
When you get married, you're going to look at that man and all the pain and hurt
and frustration and confusion he causes you, you're going to have to look at him
if you want to stay married and say, I still choose you.
Because love is forged through forgiveness,
love is forged through grace and mercy and endurance, and you don't get that
with sunshine, you get it with thunderstorms, clouds and rain,
tornadoes and hurricanes.
It is the truth.
You need something to forgive, to practice forgiveness.
You need something that to show grace to.
You need something to have mercy on.
I don't know if you've ever asked God for mercy, but I ask him for mercy.
And I usually went out and missed the real, but have mercy on me.
I ask every day I ask for mercy, have mercy on me, Lord.
Mercy is given because it's not deserved.
I did nothing right for it.
You're going to pardon me, have mercy on me.
And think in marriage, you have to keep pardoning a person, have mercy.
It don't mean you don't have accountability, don't mean you don't have system in place.
It doesn't mean that you're not in a healthy community.
You don't have mentors and counselors and things in place.
You need infrastructure.
But have mercy on me.
You're going to have to have some mercy.
Right. So.
Sometimes when we feel rejection, we'll make it our language.
And it helps you to have language.
So when you hear it, you can know what I'm talking about.
So and so instead of say I experienced a no.
You may say I'm not chosen.
He didn't want me.
Maybe I'm not good enough.
Right.
And I'm not good enough.
Maybe I'm not good enough.
Right.
Or maybe I'm just behind.
I just need to catch up.
These are like real thoughts we can have in our mind.
Oftentimes when we don't, which is hard, I don't even like to say it sometimes,
because a lot of times when I start teaching something, I have
to experience the next day and I don't really like this.
So I think I keep this next statement to myself and be all honest.
And so but anyway.
But divine rejection is actually protection.
It doesn't feel like it, but it is.
And the more you work your language to yourself
and you give everything that belongs to one person to them and you take what
belongs to you, you be accountable for your own.
You let them be accountable for theirs.
Then you can recover more quickly.
Your recovery time from the no.
You bounce back more quickly.
And you want a quicker bounce back.
Because you're in a phase where they're going to be a lot of no's.
Whether you give the no or they give the no.
This is the phase that you're in.
You're dating for discovery.
And so you're going to discover like, oh, not quite.
You're going to discover I went too quickly
at the beginning and it is costing me in week number two.
I went too quickly in the first two days and it is costing me in day number three.
We talked about this before, when you're talking to somebody for some reason,
one day feel like two weeks. I swear, I don't know what it is!
When you like somebody, it seems like you want to get phone wasted.
You can just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
And you look up, it's only been two days and it feels like two weeks.
And you're like, I'm sure, I'm sure of it.
Nope. First time you talk was Sunday and today is Wednesday.
Nope. You ain't even made it through the week. Nope. It's true.
So, um, but divine protection is, yeah.
Joanne, did we hear you singing? Was that you singing and playing your piano?
Oh my gosh, did I not mute myself?
I'm so sorry. I was like, I need to pick these songs for worship tonight.
And I sucked when I sang that song, but thank you.
No, you didn't. We wanted to worship, but I had to, I had to do what they,
what they, what they had me to do when I get on these calls,
but we wanted to worship with you.
But divine rejection is about protection, timing.
And as Jackie says, it's about formation.
Okay. Um, I used to work with insurance agents and they used to tell me,
they wanted me to come over and sell.
I was like, I can't deal with that kind of rejection.
They was like, it is proven after you get so many no's, a yes is going to come.
And so we endure the no's because we know that the yes is going to come.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
And so it's a good mindset for them to have because it teaches them how to have
tough skin.
And so they're counting down the no's because they know if I can just get
through the no's. And so when the person's like, no, they're like, okay, great.
Thank you so much. Have a great day.
Because they know as I make it through the no's, I'm going to get to a yes.
And the truth is,
I don't want to put you in a position where somebody is going to always be
saying no to you, but I'm saying on the journey to your kingdom spouse,
ideally we would like an Amazon package or the first person we talked to to be
the one I'm with you. I am not against you. I am for you.
I am with you on this.
But oftentimes if you will be completely honest with yourself and examine
where you are as a person,
be real about the areas that you need growth in or the things that you may be
blinded to.
You will be thankful that you didn't marry the person you would have married
today, last week, today, last month, today, right?
If you had to pick them last month and now today after you've grown,
you'd be like, whoo, dodge me a bullet.
I am telling you that I, the, the acceleration of growth on my life,
which is absolutely amazing, which we all, we all have it.
It's I'm not special.
I wouldn't have chosen the same man six months ago that I would choose today.
And I remember making the same statement six months before that.
And six months before that.
And six months before that,
because the Lord keeps bringing me further and further into my identity.
And as I go deeper into who I am, I will not easily trade me off.
I cannot, um,
it is not feasible for me to marry someone who does not have the capacity or
who does not have the ability to sharpen me, to champion me and to grow me.
And so now I understand the treasure that God has put on the inside of me.
And I'm not willing to hand it over to anyone in such fashion,
because when you get married,
there is an order to marriage and it's in the scripture here in America.
We've been cultivated, believe that I'm this, I'm that this man comes to serve me,
but it's not true.
And whoever you choose to lead, because if you try to lead all of you,
the house is going to come burning and crumbling down because it's just not the
order. A snake with two heads cannot go anywhere.
Somebody is going to have to be the head.
And if this person is going to be the lead or to be the head that I get to be
the helper to, then they're going to have to have capacity for all of me.
And I'm not looking for a perfect man.
I'm in the market for a man with capacity.
And I understand that the more specialized,
that the more specialized of a man I need,
it goes smaller and smaller as it gets to the top.
But because in this season, ladies,
if we allow God to birth purpose on the inside of us,
not one day of your journey will be wasted.
I am telling you not what I think I'm telling you what I know.
So when you have these ideas in your mind,
sometimes that I ain't got time for that.
I ain't got time. I'm in such a hurry.
I don't have time.
What you're saying is I don't have time to invest in me.
And if you're gonna have time for anybody,
you need the time for you.
You will be married to death do you part.
And that man laying beside you in the bed
is gonna get old.
Sex is gonna get old.
He is not gonna be your best friend
and so you may think you will have your own friends.
You will get used to the mundane things of life.
You will, you will adjust.
This is gonna be your new life.
And so invest in you while you still have time
to just focus on you and to grow you.
And so then when you get to the altar, you have both.
You have a well-developed woman
who has the capacity to sharpen as she is sharpened.
And you have a husband and he has you
in the fullness of all of your beauty.
And there's still gonna be stuff left in you
for him to help cultivate in you.
And then you get to cultivate some things in him.
I'm gonna go back to the lesson,
but I didn't wanna leave you with it.
All right, pain is not who you are.
This is something that Jackie talked about.
It was the theme on our Supernatural Saturday.
Pain gives us a signal.
Frustration gives us a signal.
Have you ever been talking to a guy before
and all of a sudden maybe you got anxious
about a text message not coming back through yet
or he didn't really respond in a timely fashion?
And now I have thoughts like this.
Now, I know that we're not exclusive,
but if I feel that he talking to somebody else,
it just bothers me.
I can't figure that thing out yet.
I ask Jackie P.T., what is this foolery?
Now, I can talk to a lot of other people,
but if I feel like something in me just like,
hmm, are you talking to somebody else too?
And so I usually would need, you know,
in times past have to balance myself
and I have to talk to some more people
so I won't go too far in the deep end.
It's good to know yourself.
It's good to know what will bring balance
to you on your journey.
So some people may say,
well, I only talk to one person at a time.
Nothing wrong with it,
but know how to handle yourself with one person at a time.
Know how not to fantasize and go into the future
with one person at a time.
When they check some boxes that you have,
you've not been a fruit inspector yet,
but they check boxes because they said they love Jesus.
Right?
They said.
As long as you're in the they said stage
and we need some more observation, is that right?
Because that's what they said.
This is not like a conspiracy theory, it's just truth.
They said, I said, I was going to not eat sugar yesterday
and here it is Tuesday, I ate some more sugar today,
but that's what I said.
And most people who know me,
I've really been speaking with my word,
but I shouldn't have went on a sugar binge this weekend
because I am like fighting sugar like this,
like get back, get back, I just want to make it.
And so here I am day two, ate some more sugar yesterday.
And then I hear it come back around again.
I just, I had all my protein.
I'm like, come on sugar, leave me alone.
Right?
So anyway, we are fruit inspectors.
We really, really are.
And so whichever way you decide to do dating as a skill,
whether you date one person at a time
or you date three people at a time,
or you date two people at a time,
you want to find balance for you and what you can handle.
And you learn yourself.
If you know you get very anxious,
it may be best for you to keep yourself very, very busy,
very busy.
So you're not going to talk to somebody else,
keep yourself busy, keep yourself so busy
that you're not looking for your phone
to see if they responded.
But now I'm telling you when that text come through,
it is sweet.
But you know, let's do something else.
Get your attention somewhere.
That's a really good thing to do.
All right?
So pain, frustration, it all gives us a signal
that something is happening in our heart.
So when we feel that pain, when we feel that frustration,
when it's just overwhelming to us,
we have to stop and say, okay, what is this about?
And this is where the dating for discovery comes in.
You're discovering something about yourself.
You're getting these clues to say,
hey, something's going on in here and I need some attention.
So in dating, it's genius to use dating
as a way to discover and grow
because nobody can get to your heart
the way a man that you like can.
Your sister and brother can tell you no,
but the rejection from the opposite sex
of somebody you may like, it feels totally different.
It has a way of touching in places nothing else can touch.
Being vulnerable.
in that way, right?
That is a very, it's just good training ground.
You have to feel all the feels
because when you're feeling it feel good, it feels so good.
I don't know if I've ever felt anything
that felt more exciting and good
than when a man, a boy meets girl.
And it's like, hey, you get filled with so much hope
and all of the dopamine
and all this fun stuff starts happening.
You don't want to let it go.
And then, but at the same time,
that's why in one day you can go up high
and just drop to the ground.
And then when you hear their voice on the phone,
it's like, hey, everything disappeared.
I don't know if that happens to all of y'all,
but if they would just get on his phone with his FaceTime,
maybe I feel better.
And sometimes you do,
and you forget all about the roller coaster
you were on before they got there.
That tells you something about you.
If you want a roller coaster,
and then when you heard their voice,
the roller coaster is no longer there,
then you have to ask yourself the question,
why I'm on a roller coaster if I'm not talking to them?
You shouldn't be on,
your nervous system should be on the roller coaster
and then get out the roller coaster
when you talk to them, right?
And so that tells us, hey, what's going on?
You don't want pain to give you a permanent label.
And most of the times before we get heart healing,
pain does that.
It could have been pain from your dad,
pain from your mom.
It gives you, give yourself a permanent label,
like I'm not worthy of love.
The little girl believes I'm not worthy of love.
I'm not, you know, I'm not good enough.
If I was, my parents would have cared about me,
or they would have stuck around,
or my dad wouldn't have left,
or that wouldn't have worked so much.
We process things that way.
So when we're young, we put a lot of labels on ourselves.
You don't know it.
It is sneaky and crafty of the enemy,
but a label gets there.
And then we live out that label
until we decide to take it off of us
and give ourself a new label.
That new label, as you learn in hard work,
it's a new identity.
And that identity comes from heaven.
And sometimes you can believe
you can love yourself into something,
but I don't know how successful we are
with loving ourself into something
because we actually don't have the love to give ourself.
It comes from somewhere.
If we had our own love within us,
then whatever our mother and father did
may not be as effective in our lives.
Love comes from somewhere, it's given to us.
That's why we love the way we were once loved.
You give of what was given to you.
So if you were given bitterness, brokenness, hurt and pain,
you usually give it back out.
That is the bowl, the table, the plate that you ate from.
It's gonna be hard to produce who you are not
unless some intervention happens
and you redefine who you are.
I remember one day I kept saying,
this is probably, I don't know, almost a year ago now.
I'm just, I am just, what was I saying?
Like I used to be anxious, but this is this love.
I was like, I'm being avoided and I'm being this,
or I just kept speaking about
what this attachment style was I was experiencing.
And I was on the highway and the Lord said,
Ebony, you don't have to give someone fragments
and broken love.
I have given you perfect love that I've poured into you.
You do not have to give someone and avoid it.
You don't have to give them an anxious attachment.
You can give them from the outpouring that I put in you.
Do not continue to give people broken pieces.
Give them the best that I've given you.
That reshaped my mind because the truth is
the love of God does live on the inside of me.
And though my upbringing programmed me a certain way,
I don't have to come under their program.
I can rebel against it.
I can say no.
I don't have to give somebody what was given to me,
especially when I become self-aware
and I have the tools to help myself.
Does that make sense?
All of us have the tools because we've been through hard work
and you can always go back into that phase
and grab the tools that you need,
but we do not have to give people what was given to us.
Especially when you've been introduced to Jesus
and you have a new love that's running through you,
give them from the good supply that you have.
And if you don't know how to do it,
that's why we date for discovery,
so you can learn how to do it.
And so you don't have to sit on a roller coaster
until they call you again.
You don't, right?
Yep, I'm glad that makes sense.
So we wanna stay away from labels
and this has a lot to do with emotional awareness
and I'm gonna kind of speed this up.
Let me say this.
So Jackie talked about attachment and mother wounds
on Saturday, who was on that call?
Attachment.
and in mother wounds, yeah, okay.
And so our current relationships,
and this is what I was just saying to you,
often get filtered through old relationships
or old patterns, the old way we've learned.
The brain just keeps on repeat
until the mind gives it a new program.
It runs a new program, creates new neural paths
in which you will process things.
And the brain will do that repeated behavior.
It takes a while to penetrate it.
The mind will tell the brain
and the brain will create these new pathways
and there you have a new pattern of love.
So current relations often get filtered
through these old patterns.
So that means anxiety becomes a label, I'm too much.
I believe for the longest that I was too much.
I'm a bit much, I can't feel the space of a room.
But that was the truth.
So I labeled my, I mean, that's what I felt was the truth.
So I labeled myself, I'm too much.
Or you shut down and shut down becomes like,
I don't need anybody.
We got any shutters downers in here, forget it.
I don't need nobody.
I'm doing my stuff, I don't need nobody.
Or push and pull becomes, this is just how I love.
This is just how I am.
Sometimes I feel like it, sometimes I don't, whatever.
You gonna be with me, you just got to put up with it.
This is just who I am.
But now let a man do it to you, oh, ah.
It's just, you know, it's so interesting
that we can notice how other people show up.
A lot of times we're not noticing how we're showing up.
And it's a big deal.
And so what we wanna do is our nervous system
is just remembering the prerecorded thing.
The brain operates through the same pattern.
So let's say me and Sydney, we walked up to a dog
and I'm afraid of dogs and she's not.
And this dog is barking some kind of fierce.
As soon as that dog start barking fierce,
my brain remembers that dog can harm me.
It alerts my nervous system to be afraid,
but she never gets afraid
because she don't believe that the dog could hurt her.
We're in the same situation,
but we're having two different experiences.
Are you guys tracking with me?
Same thing, two different experiences.
And so our nervous system is just remembering.
Our brain already has a pattern that's laid.
And you're interpreting your present circumstances
through past experiences.
Most of all of us do that.
That is the purpose of the nervous system.
That is the purpose of the brain.
That's why we have to give it new pathways,
new ways to process situations.
So when somebody says no,
you don't always see it as a rejection
because you take your mind and your brain
are two different things.
Now the Bible says to renew your mind in Christ daily.
As you renew your mind,
your mind tells your brain a new way to do something.
You create these new neural paths.
All of a sudden that changes.
And then when it happens,
your nervous system doesn't get under alarm
because the brain is not saying we're in danger.
Y'all got me with that?
Yeah, okay.
I know I repeated it like two times or three times,
but sometimes people look like they're not getting it.
And I need to hear stuff two or three times sometimes.
So I've just seen it again.
So what we wanna do,
we wanna pause before we assign meaning.
This has been one of the most challenging things for me.
I'm gonna tell you ladies something, just a little secret.
Sometimes we don't pause before we assign meaning
because we're trying to protect ourselves.
You want to quickly make a decision
so that you can protect yourself.
So you'll notice on the wall when people post,
well, is this a red flag?
Does this just mean that he's not masculine?
Does this just mean he's not mature?
Well, he only said one thing.
Are we gonna define the man from one comment?
When you do that, I am telling you,
that's a signal to you
that you're trying to protect yourself.
You're saying, I'm gonna make a decision
because I'm not willing to go through this process.
You know, your brain says, I know how this goes.
I'm gonna go ahead and deal with this right now
before it deals with me.
It look like this is what you're doing.
I feel better just saying this is what you're doing.
I'm finna move on about my business
because I ain't got time for no stuff like this.
It's protection.
And then you say it to us and we're like,
well, did you consider or did you consider?
And it's just like, golly.
And I used to get so upset.
I'm like, look, it's a yes, till it's a no.
What does that even mean?
I'm just like, what does that even mean?
You think I'm finna date somebody three times
to get made a fool of?
What is this stuff you're talking?
No.
But the reason why it's hard sometimes
to do a yes until it's a no
is because we are sometimes not knowing it,
but we're dating for definites.
We're dating for either you are or you aren't.
And the reason as a coach I can say to you
it's a yes until it's a no,
because I am operating through the perception
of understanding that you're dating for discovery.
And it is a no when you get done, I measure how much you've learned through those three
dates.
I measure how much you've learned about yourself, how much experience you've had.
That's what I'm measuring.
And so I want you to stay in it until it's a yes, until it's a no, because I know how
much you're going to grow from it.
But a lot of times we're thinking, I'm about to get to the third date and this ain't it.
Just give me one date and that's it, right?
So it's a protection.
We want to go ahead, shut things down.
We ain't got to go down that road.
So we don't want to start attaching labels to things, to what happens.
We have to be, another way you can identify, like I just said, they do one thing and you
make a decision about it.
As soon as you do that, unless it's really strong, like they make a sexual comment, something
like that.
Well, that's a no-go.
Right?
So I'm not talking about things like that, but if it's something, determine if it's you,
like are you processing through an old thought pattern?
Are you saying in the back of your mind, I know where this is going.
I'm not doing this.
If you say that, you know, for a fact, you're basing it off an old experience because you
don't even know that person, right?
And it is adjustable, right?
To what actually is being said or done.
What story am I attaching to it?
Ladies, have you ever had one thing happen and you create a whole story about it?
Anybody?
Yeah.
I do it pretty often.
And that's why I keep strong community around me that says, Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm like, no, because yes, you kind of owe it to me.
No, because, and they're like, that's not true.
My sister is very genius for this.
That's not true.
I don't care what I'm saying, but that's not true.
That's not true.
And then by the time I get through, I was like, yeah, you're right.
That's not true.
So what you think I should do?
I think you should pace yourself and I think you should wait.
And all the alarms in me are going, because I know that I am, um, I have a propensity
to do this.
I keep people around me that I'm willing to submit to and take what they say, right?
And the fact that my nervous system is going out this way, I know that, um, I am projecting.
I know that I'm putting labels on things and I know that this does not serve me.
I know that when I don't want to pace is because I'm trying to get to an outcome and
I'm trying to protect myself because pacing is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
And when you refuse to pace yourself, you have been negligent of your own heart.
You you're not even guarding your own heart with all diligence.
And I want you to let that sink in.
If you refuse to pace, if you decide I'm going to fantasize every day, I don't talk to them.
I'm going to put my stake in the ground and say, this is the one I know it is, then you
are the one that's not guarding your own heart without diligence.
You're the one that's not putting you first because whether somebody is the one or not,
you still have to grow.
And if you go too fast on the front end, now, ladies, the more you like a person, the more
you're going to be near a person, the more you're going to want to be near a person,
probably more you're going to want to rub and touch and feel their skin and lay up against
them. Like even my students or even my nieces and nephews, when they come over, I'm laying
them on my shoulder, my nieces and nephews, my students, I'm hugging them.
I'm like touching their little faces because I'm trying to get that skin contact so they
can feel my love, so they can feel warmth of affection of an adult that loves them,
that cares about them.
So these are natural things.
OK, and so we want to pacing really helps us along the way.
It helps give you it gives you time to inspect the fruit and all the things you need to do.
All right. Now, remember, rejection is not your identity.
Pain is not your identity.
And this one we overlook.
Discomfort is not your identity.
A lot of stuff we do because we don't want to be in discomfort.
Discomfort is a part of this process.
Some of you probably feel it right now because God didn't do what you said do yesterday or
what you thought was going to do the day before or as soon as you got out of hard work, you
were going to meet your knight in shining armor.
That's discomfort.
This process of waiting is called.
discomfort. You're frustrated because you're uncomfortable and you're in a belief process.
And the Bible says that, oh, I can't believe I forgot the scripture in Proverbs. It says that
hope deferred makes the heart sick. Hope deferred, hope that keeps waiting and waiting and waiting
makes the heart sick, but promises fulfilled are a tree of life. And so this process is a process
of discomfort, but it doesn't have to be. Two things could be true at the same time. You can
be discomfort and you can be growing like a mad woman. You can becoming powerful. You can be filled
with capacity. You can watch the boundary lines fall for you in pleasant places. You can walk
down a path where you never lose and you always win. You can walk down a path where you bear
fruit downward, where you bear root down and you bear fruit upward. This can be your journey.
It doesn't have to be one of complete sadness, lack of joy because you don't have a husband yet.
So much more to be had. Okay, so we're going to do some activation this week. We're going to take
some time sitting in our feelings. All right, sitting in our feelings. That's what the activation
is going to be about. Noticing when you feel sad or when you feel happy or when you feel rejected
or when you feel discomfort. Because most of the time we don't even sit in it. We find something
else to do. We'll scroll or anything. You can find anything to do just to get away from this
discomfort. For us on dating apps, have you ever been talking to somebody and you already see it
ain't going to work? Then you just start scrolling for somebody else. Like, oh, on to the next person.
Some of that is the avoidance of the discomfort.
There's nothing wrong with it. I mean, that's just how it works. Oh, on to the next. You didn't say
nothing. Okay, on to the next. We're going to move on before this even fizzles out because I don't
want to feel what it's like not to kind of have that little thing right there. That's just called
discomfort and it's challenging to sit in discomfort. So this is a, I know we have questions,
but there's an activity I want us to do. It's activation. And so this is a creative expression
and you're going to choose what speaks to you. So there's no pressure to do everything,
but we want you to simply choose one expression. And I'm going to pick the expression for you.
Think I'm going to pick it for you. I want you ladies to pick a song that reflects who you are
becoming in God. Not what you feel in the moment. A lot of us feel a lot of things right now.
Okay. So let's just sit that on the back to the side, back burner. You can kick it out the house
if you want to be much better. But I want you to pick a song that reflects who you are becoming
in God right now. I'm thinking about it. Once you think of this song, I want you to post the title
in the chat and tell us what that reminds you of. So if the song is like someone just
posted coming out of hiding or this little light of mine, I want you to also say like,
this reminds me that God sees me as. Okay. In any way you want to use those words,
you don't have to use my exact sentence stem. You may not remember, but once you pick the song,
tell us how that this reminds you that God sees you as what? This little light of mine
or this reminds me that God sees me as whatever it is based on the song that you have.
Any questions about that? Are we all together on that?
Yeah. If you do just unmute and go for the question.
And if you want to, you can unmute and quickly tell us the story. I mean, tell us the song and
a quickly less than 30 seconds. Well, it reminds you that God sees you as what?
Also you say I'm love. God sees me as he is and he loves me. That's good. God wants me to
shine his light on other. That's nice. Let's see. I'm going to go ahead and pick a song.
God wants me to shine his light on other. That's nice. Luanna rest on us. Can you give us some more
with that too? I know you had already posted it. Life is good by Forrest Frank. It reminds me that
God is calling me to let go of anxiety and see how he is good. That is that song that talks about
the spirit filling up the room, making your heart pound and stuff. I think that's very much where
I'm at, where I'm just allowing the Holy Spirit to change me. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. That's
so good. The first song that came to mind is fears not my future. Come on. Yes. These are
so great my mind is a blank on some currently totally understand you know some of us may
begin candy girl you all know it doesn't have to be a worship song like there could be songs
that describe you know like i'm coming out i want the world to know to let it show
right this could be your coming out season you're coming out time you you're no longer hiding
my faith fights reminds me that he says is what i will stand for regardless of what's coming against
me come on way maker this remind me that even when i don't see what i'm believing for coming
to pass i can still believe yes he's always working that's a good one worthy of it all
helps remind me of his glory how much he deserves our worship i'm getting ready for overflow come
come on through by tasha cobbs yes oh i've never heard this song by um oliver is it chi wa
chi woo y'all i wish i knew my phonics a little better but i'm getting twisted up with that w
then the a and then that e um gratitude needs to be the way i live and continue
oh it is french thank you rachel
oh you can't be nobody but yourself
fran you looked at me like come on like it was not like something bad it was the smile on your face
um and thinking about it a lot for years now my future let him turn you in your favor watching
good something yeah one song that had been kind of ringing through the corridors of my heart was
it is well with my soul and um sometimes it's hard for me to say it but a lot of the places that the
lord has me and bring me so much excitement and it's indeed well with my soul so i try not to
compare it as well with my soul with saying to well god you know if you don't come through for
the next few years i'm okay that is not my statement but it is indeed well with my soul um
and it's just it's so nice when the soul is at risk and it's not wrestling with you
right there when it comes into alignment with what heaven is doing in your life
um or make it well with my soul by mercy me love yeah on my side kim whittaker a reminder that i
am god defending i have been off he has i've been all along he loves me sees me write your story to
let god do what he wants let go and trust in his goodness be a testimony with him that's so good
so good ladies i like this mine is the flame it reminds me of holy spirit's everlasting love for
me and of second timothy one six through seven for this reason i remind you to fan into the flame
the gift of god which is in you through the laying on hands yes that's so good um that's so good so
good so good you ladies can continue to add um this is also good and it is 753 so whoever shares
we want to be mindful that we have one two three four more people after you and so maybe if you
want you can start with the question that way i could be processing the question while you feel
me in um i don't know who was first but i know that you all know so go for it
did you tiffany
karen they said was you camerson not her karen going once going twice so oh karen
no just
it's okay try to you can try to get it to work
finally i'm also gonna update like a month ago my phone will not like show
uh-huh the bar to unmute sometimes so i apologize oh no no worries uh so question on
if i need to take any action or not or just enjoy the process of we've been talking for
three and a half weeks two dates text very lightly maybe every two or three days
so it just kind of feels like nonchalant not really having a purpose which is fine
in a lot of ways it's like oh just someone to chat with but it doesn't seem like a lot of synergy
so i don't know if i need to just let it play out see if he asks for another date or
see if he asks for another date or do anything different i'm just responding when he reaches out
so do you want more connection
It would be nice to have phone calls because it's just like a text here and there, like
how was your day or how was Mother's Day?
The dates have been great because we talk for three hours each time, but in between
it's like, what are we doing?
Do you initiate any of those text messages in between?
I haven't because I'm reading another book that's saying not to do that and I'm like,
hmm.
But this book was more like read in the 90s when people called.
It wasn't text messages then.
Yeah.
So let's not follow that book.
And yes, if you want connection, you're going to have to reach out.
He's probably following your lead.
And so that is a very strong possibility.
If you want to talk to him, you're going to have to make that connection.
You have to send a message and say, hey, I noticed we text, but let's schedule some talk
time.
I enjoy talking to you because we're not going to know.
You go on the dates, but if you're not building connection in between time, that's why you
really don't know.
Like, I don't know.
Right.
And so if you say you don't like talking on the phone, there's one thing, or if you don't
like texting, that's another thing then you have to rely on that when y'all get together.
Is that setting it up though to be like, I appreciate a man who like shows interest
through leading and initiating.
So is that setting it up?
Is my initiating too often setting it up for me to be leading the relationship?
First is not a relationship.
You're dating for discovery.
Second, he's the one always texting you.
You don't text him.
Okay.
No.
Was that a question?
That's it.
That is the truth.
You're not in relationship.
You're getting to know him.
Second, he texts you.
You don't text him first.
And third, every person has equal responsibility to create a connection.
So it's 50-50.
He's not auditioning to be your leader.
He's dating you.
This is not audition time.
So if at some point you guys continue to go on, because right now, both of you are giving
the same amount of effort, it's not like you're chasing him down, begging him to take you
on dates.
That's another story.
But right now y'all are getting to know each other and you have a responsibility to put
in work.
So if a man comes to you and he says, I want to take you out to market.
I want us to go exclusive, then you're going to begin to evaluate that man a whole lot
differently.
A friend asked a question, but it goes into saying, you're going to start evaluating him
a lot differently.
And then you're going to have that talk, right?
Because one thing, if he's inconsistent, you're not going to probably make it that far anyway.
Right.
So you're going to already know that this person has some form of consistency if you
made it 60 days with them, 90 days.
Jackie says before you go exclusive, at least 60 days at the minimum, but at what is optimum,
what is best for you is going exclusive at 90 days, that's a good three months.
So there's no way you will make it that far without someone being consistent.
You would have kicked them to the curve already.
It just wouldn't have sustained itself.
You are looking for mature, marriage-minded individual, right?
And masculine.
So is it date three, that is an appropriate time to find out if they're marriage-minded?
You can ask them, you can say, I'm dating intentionally and I am marriage-minded.
I'm not asking for your hand in marriage, but I would like to know what are your thoughts
about that?
Yeah.
And so when they give their thoughts and they say, well, I'm not looking to be married for
the next five years, keep your nervous system calm and don't be like, well, it's not going
to work.
No.
You just say, okay, thank you for sharing.
That gives you information to know like, hey, I enjoy hanging out with them and I can start
talking to somebody else and I can still enjoy hanging out with them.
Right.
Not going to change you hanging out with them unless you have some emotions attached to
it.
And then you need to release that because at some point you're going to build something.
And that's when it's going to become unhealthy.
Right.
And so, or then after that, you can say, wow, well, yeah, we are going two different directions
and I'm totally fine with it.
It's been a lot of fun, but I know that I like you and I know if I can continue to like you,
I would like you more.
And so it's.
much as I did not want to say goodbye. I now have to say goodbye and that is
completely fine. It's completely fine.
Right?
And you get to say it in joy and in peace and not in anger or bitterness.
But Karen,
you want to be real careful with all of you ladies about this man showing me if
he can leave when you're in the early stages of dating, when it requires 50 50,
you're looking for reciprocity.
Mm hmm.
Right. He, he's not, he can,
if he planned all the dates, you can measure him and say he's a leader,
but you haven't seen the fruit of his life to determine if he's a leader.
And so what you're trying to figure out in some early stages do not pan out well
in latter stages.
Fruit is what you inspect,
not a couple of behavior acts at the beginning.
Mm hmm.
And so if he planned all the dates and he did all the calling and in your mind
that says he's a leader, then that's a very low standard for a leader.
Leaders are accountable. Leaders keep their word.
Leaders are integrates. There are things,
combination of things that cause a person to be a leader.
So when you say accountable,
it comes to my mind is having like being involved in a church community and or a
men's group,
like having community around you that holds you accountable and you've given
permission for that.
That's what comes to my mind as far as being accountable.
Well, accountability can look like that,
but can also look like when a person gives you their word and they keep it,
it can also look like they give you a word. They don't keep it,
but they follow up and say, Hey, I told you this.
I wasn't able to keep my word. I wasn't able to do that. I'm so sorry.
Let's work it this way.
So accountability is not just within that.
And then another thing about men is men are not always a part of community.
This is true. It's hard to get harder for them. Yeah. But what you're,
what you want to evaluate is if they have a teachable heart,
not teachable for you because you're not a man's teacher, right?
You're his helper. Right.
But a lot of times we confuse that we want to just teach them because we in this
program and we know, so we're just going to teach them.
Now you're not going to just teach them.
They don't take too kindly to that either. Men, masculine men,
not going to have some woman teaching them something.
It goes against their nature. It doesn't mean they're not humble.
It just means that just like when somebody come in and try to tell you how to be
a mama to your child, you're like, wait a minute now, don't tell me,
you know what I'm saying? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, Whoa,
back, back, back up, back up, back up. So there's an order to things.
So that's what I'm saying. I forgot where I was, but I'll stop right there.
But let's just be mindful trying to, um, um,
make decisions about leadership style and things like that right now.
It's a 50 50 Karen. If you want to talk to him more,
I encourage you to initiate it. Send a text like, Hey,
let's schedule some talk time. Let's get to know each other in between time.
And so, and you ladies,
I want to say this cause there's so much information out there.
If you're on social media,
everybody's telling us about how to know if a man like you,
how to know if he interested, how to know if he realized this,
how to know this is so much information is the information overload,
but be yourself. Show up.
I am the first one when I'm talking to a guy and he does something I like,
I say, I like that. I really like that.
And I do it every time. And men like to hear,
they like to hear words of appreciation and guess what? Like clockwork.
I got that behavior right back again because of a makeup of a man.
Right. And when he did it again, I knew I had, I said,
so be yourself, show up and be you, be you, be you in that way.
So if you want to talk, talk, thanks. You're welcome.
Whoever was next.
I think I was next. Go for it, Tiffany. Okay.
So I have been talking to this guy for five and a half weeks and we,
we stayed phone wasted for a good long while.
We have texts a lot. We've talked a lot.
We've had several dates and there's definite,
there is definite conversation about moving into,
moving into that exclusive place.
And I'll be honest, like I would like to.
but it's also like okay we're at five and a half weeks this is way early but
we've talked so much and all the things and so how do you do like I don't know
how to do this at this point because I want to say oh yes so if you don't go
exclusive today is he still gonna be there three weeks from now yeah that's
how you do it I just wait yeah because you saying I'm
exclusive exclusive is not gonna change the process that you're in it will
change because you're gonna take yourself out the market and you're gonna
lock yourself in and you may not recognize things you should recognize
time gives you advantage to see once you lock yourself in because you are
marriage minded and you come out for the market you're gonna put yourself in a
different I'm lost in a different realm does that make sense yeah and then you
think it's fast now it's gonna really speed up because you how long you plan
on dating before you get married a long time I don't know like a year okay
really okay well probably not but okay but when you're marriage minded I'm not
sure you want to date a man for two years before you get married and you may
want to be proposed to and then we start planning a wedding if you will have say
not me I'm doing two-year kind of stuff now Lord it with me but I don't know if
you have some real strong boundaries like this just there's a long time Lord
but um I'm just saying to you you ask yourself the question well will I lose
if I wait and so I remember the last marriage minded relationship I was in it
was like week for Jackie recommends for dating they're at the minimum 60 days
before exclusivity at optimum 30 days 90 days that is the best number of days
before you go exclusive that's what Jackie teaches because you'll see if you
waited 90 days you will see the difference I've done it it is a
difference oh she doesn't give you a timeline for marriage so anyway but you
are an accelerated program I can't tell you don't go exclusive tomorrow if you
want to go exclusive I'm just giving you options on how to process it because
this is this is an accelerated program it's true like when God brings things so
even if you went let's say you decide he asked you tomorrow to go exclusive you
say yes I'll take myself out the market if that's what you want to do you're not
wrong for doing so I don't want you to carry that you're not wrong for doing
that you can do it in two weeks if you want to you really literally you can do
whatever you want to do like that's a real deal you're not gonna be shown
because you do it you just did it you took yourself out the market but what
you have to do even if somebody proposed to you and you accepted it you have to
use the time that you have wisely and so now's the time when you go into do we
align on core things because at first you was just living out of butterflies
and what they see but now you're about to start really observing and you're
gonna come out of fantasy lane mm-hmm and then you're gonna say if I am going
exclusive for me exclusive it means I'm moving toward marriage with you I'm not
somebody's girlfriend there's no I operate and so if I say I'm gonna come
out the market for you that means Ebony is evaluating you totally different at
this point so you want to use the time that you have and maximize it because
you're not gonna get that time before they in a lot of this is the truth you
can get me to do more in the waiting time before they get you then you can
after I do and so you really want to maximize your time because they kind of
get set in a ways this is the way that I set up my time after exclusivity this
may be something that's helpful for you so what this person I did well it's
first of all I believe that trauma counseling for me this is not Jackie
program this is not her guideline if there's gonna be any kind of counseling
it's gonna be trauma counseling like I need a person to have it I've been
married before and I know how it shows up in marriage that's my own requirement
you're not willing to their requirement then this is not gonna work this for us
so anyway there's a requirement I have a counselor like this just my own non
negotiable and then I pick two people for my two kingdom marriages from my
community they pick two kingdom marriages from their community and every
time we went out
we went out with them.
Every time we had dinner, we did bowling, we did coffee,
we had a community of people that watched us together,
that knew how to ask us really great questions,
that knew how to help us develop and have fun together.
And so when I got ready to end
that wonderful marriage-minded relationship,
I went to our community and I said
what I needed to say to our community
and I submitted it to them and they agreed with me
and they talked with both of us
and they told both of us why.
And this was just last year.
And so I was very strategic.
I never went, I never, this is me.
Everybody's, you go to school with somebody,
you should see what they live and how they live.
I've heard Jackie tell people that before,
but I know my history.
Everybody has to know themselves.
And so we didn't do a lot of hanging out
at each other's house.
We could do a game night with a group of people,
but I'm not coming over watching a movie.
You're not coming to my place watching a movie.
Why?
Because I know me.
And no, am I just going up and have sex?
No, but I know what gives opportunity to it.
I know what gives opportunity to touching
and feeling and heavy kissing.
And when you cross the line, it ain't no going back.
It only reduces more and more.
I don't know about other people, I can speak for me.
I've never seen me do that and go backwards.
I've only seen me go full steam ahead.
Once that first touch happen,
having that skin to skin and oh Lord,
that kiss and all this stuff get released,
something happens.
And now I have to fight to keep purity
when I didn't have to fight at first.
I've paid a lot to be where I am
and I'm not trading out my dignity
and I'm not dignity and I'm not paying
because I'm not trading over what I have in the Lord
for sex, something I've had all my life.
I had when I was married and I had before I got married.
I just not willing to do it
and I don't trust my flesh at any time.
I believe wisdom will guide me.
Everybody's not like me,
but I'm just telling you why I do what I do.
That's why it's not a rule for you,
it's a guardrail for me.
And so I spent that time after I went exclusive
because I was headed to marriage to maximize it.
What do we need to get in order?
What does your credit look like?
What does my credit look like?
What does your debt look like?
Because remember, I didn't go exclusive until 90 days.
So we were already three months in.
So I just started like, now it was kind of like hustle time.
And even before we went exclusive,
we had already introduced our mentors in.
So by the time we made it to the third month
and then on day 90, exactly, he called me that morning.
He's like, would you be my girlfriend?
It was so funny, but it was cute nonetheless.
He honored and respect my boundary.
And so I know I said a lot
and I hope that you guys may have gleaned something
from that.
It was what I was needing.
It was what I was hoping for.
So thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
Good.
So it will be a waste of time if you're marriage minded.
Right, so we believe that it's a waste of time friend
and next person can unmute while I respond to this.
Should we ask marriage minded questions at the beginning?
You can't ask the person that they're marriage minded.
They say no, then they say no.
However, you're not in the marriage minded phase.
You're in dating for discovery.
And so ideally you want to go on a date
so you can discover yourself.
And you want to sit across from a person
and you want to ask intelligent questions
or you want to laugh
or you want to see what their personality is like.
Maybe you want to go bowling.
Maybe you want to.
So we want you to have the experience of a date.
So it's not a matter of if they're not marriage minded,
they're not the person for me
because you're not actually looking
for the person in this stage.
And that's a hard thing to overcome in this stage
because we are programmed that I'm looking for a husband.
And anything else, if you don't want to be that,
because one thing about it,
if somebody says, well, I am marriage minded,
that releases something in you
probably to go a little bit further than you should
because you believe that y'all
on the same court about marriage.
But you can be on one page about marriage
and you have a totally different idea what marriage is.
Or you can meet a man that may not have been marriage minded
but y'all started hanging out and getting to know each other.
He looked at you and said,
I know her, she bone in my bone and flesh in my flesh.
This is my wife.
I'm just telling you this kind of how things can happen.
And so when we start putting all these parameters
instead of just doing the simple part,
do a low stakes dating experience,
go have a cup of coffee.
I hope that resonates.
Go for it.
I don't know who's next, whoever you are.
Yeah, Bunny.
It's you Rachel.
Hey girl.
I'm struggling.
Tell her, update me, update me.
I'm struggling with the apps.
Oh, the apps.
Yes.
like i don't so my goal is to spend 10 minutes not more like in like 10 minutes
i'm sure like just the swiping i'm like i don't know what to look for like i don't know what to
look for i'm serious like i've never had a boyfriend i'm just being all i'm just being
vulnerable like i don't know what to look for i'm like there's all these faces and i'm like okay
uh-huh like so this is what you look for you look for somebody who has some sense
and so you want seriously when i look
okay there have been guys who didn't have anything on their profile but they look safe to me
and i believe when you look at a man i don't know if it's just it may not be you but i'm
telling you they look safe they have a safety look about them and i haven't been wrong yet
so they didn't tell me anything about themselves and i had mean to tell me about themselves
and they be the complete opposite of what they said they talk about how much they love god
they fear god and you get on that date or you get on that phone and they're trying to have sex with
you and so what i'm telling you is people can say one thing and what they say doesn't always
add up to who they are and we have to be mindful of that has anybody else had that experience
this man talking about he this and he serve and he that and is this yes and their behavior is
totally different but so sometimes if a man doesn't have anything on his profile i know that men don't
have as many words as we do and i do know that it's hard for them to write about themselves
i will give this example i have an uncle he is handsome he's a good man but he don't have a good
pickup i really want him to go to some counseling but he picked the craziest women and i told him i
said listen uncle it ain't the women this your third one you don't pick like that i'm sure it's
you i'm sure of it but he's a great man he told me he's like niece i went on a date and i don't
know what to say to them women and my uncle's a really good man he's a gentleman he's amazing
and i would tell him all the time if i wasn't your niece i'll date you to marry you treat you right
but he he is single but i think he needs some counseling because he keep picking the wrong
women i'm telling you but i'ma see i'ma check it out for you check it out for you but he um
he says i don't know what to say he says so i just asked him like you want to go grab some coffee
he said then they get upset and they said well you ain't you ain't talked to me long enough he's
like i don't know what to say but i tell him if you i can talk to you in person but i don't know
how to talk to you and i believe it because most of us complain that they don't say anything
or even when you go on a date the men don't ask you something about yourself
men don't always know that so that's the part of the world we have to come into
you can ask most women who are married they usually buy their husband's clothes
there are a lot of things that just don't come easy to me and sometimes they will get on a date
with a pretty woman and don't know what to do but talk let them talk no he ain't asking nothing
about yourself it's okay let the man talk is he saying something bad is he is he cussing is he
going under your clothes did he pay for the cup of coffee let him talk i'm just i'm being real like
i'm trying to get you to loosen yourself let him express himself and then when you go on the next
date if he keep doing it he's nervous he's looking at a beautiful woman so then you could just say
it's so much fun learn about you do you have any let's let's learn about each other at the
same time so i'm gonna ask you a question i'm gonna lead with my answer and then you get to
answer that's all you have to do it's just taking some taking some lead it doesn't make you any less
it doesn't mean he doesn't want you it doesn't mean he doesn't like you it doesn't mean he's
not pursuing you it doesn't mean that he don't want to work for you he just don't have coaching
he's not a woman he's a man
and sometimes their brains are not just that big they just don't have the capacity
ask married people been married to men for a long time they are very very very simple
it's black or white you like that yep nope and you're like well what about how it tastes what
did you taste that italian season no but good to me but did you did you see how they put a little
hint no good to me they really mean it anyway so back to you rachel so you want to look for
somebody when you're looking at their profile you probably probably want them to be a christian
right you may not it may not bother you um give me one second it may not bother you if they aren't
or not it's up to you maybe they're catholic there's no big deal either and rachel you'll
have to unmute yourself because i muted everybody um another thing you want to look for is i do this
this may not be something y'all do but i look at what type of music they listen to
so for me if you say you're a believer
of some sorts, there's a level of the music
you should be listening to.
So if you spend your time listening to Bad Bunny,
that just don't work out for me.
Because the lyrics of what you're listening to
has to tell me something about you, in my opinion.
I'm not telling you to look for that,
but that's just who I am.
Because you can like R&B and old school,
that don't make you not a believer.
None of those things, you may like hip hop,
but it's a certain type that you listen to
and it's just kind of like,
oh, I'm a little concerned about your...
If it's a rap song, they talk about women's bodies
and what they got on, you know,
how they're doing to their bodies and stuff like that.
Yeah.
Another thing you can look for is what they do for work.
Not meaning if they make a lot of money,
but some professions are just, it feels safe.
A teacher, if they're a coach, if they're a mentor.
What do they say they like to spend their time doing?
I look at their pictures.
And so a lot of men don't always have great profiles,
but they have different things.
Let's say they put on their 420 friendly.
Well, that ain't my type.
They're 420 friends.
What does that mean?
I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.
They're friends with people who smoke marijuana.
Okay, we'll look.
Oh!
Right, 420 friendly.
Like, okay, that's not my type.
And I know we got to speed up
because it's almost 8.30, we got to go.
But, so those are some of the things I look for.
And I just look to see,
sometimes whatever they do say,
I look to see the quality of what they say.
What matters most?
I look to see if they're negative.
And this is something Jackie actually teaches.
When you make a profile,
you start with what you don't want
and what you have to be.
I've seen a lot of men do that.
I don't want no drama.
I want a woman to be my piece.
Well, look, you need to go get your own piece.
Then what you need to bring your own piece to the table.
That, don't look for me to be your piece.
What you, well, I got to bring peace to you, right?
You need to work that out for yourself.
But that's the real thing.
Like, they're defending themselves or they, you know,
I was just like, don't worry about that.
That's negative.
And it feels negative when you read it.
Oh, wow.
They say gardening is another code word for weed as well.
So I hope that in my talking that you're getting,
this is how I evaluate a profile.
So I don't always look for what they say.
So does attraction necessary
or like, since it's just for discovery?
I mean, I'm not saying you go here today
with somebody you're like totally like, oh, but.
They can't look like no alligator.
It ain't gonna work no crocodile.
But attraction does matter.
And it's up to the person how much attraction does matter.
There have been so many.
I just selected, they were just too fine.
I just said, golly, I just cannot pass this Mexican up.
No.
He like, he'll be okay.
Anyway, now attraction,
if it depends on your level of attraction
that matters for you.
I don't have a high level.
I'm pretty, I'm pretty like even keel.
You don't have to, you know.
Actually, if it's a man who's like in a gym
and showing off his muscles, I pass him up.
I feel like, I just feel like, I feel like it's vanity.
I just feel like, oh, what you trying to, you know,
I don't know, I don't like that.
But some people may like it, but it's just not my style.
I'm like, ah, you just want to show off your body.
I don't know, but it's up to you.
Don't feel like there has to be a level of attraction.
But if it's somebody you think they're quality,
remember that you, you're dating, you want to go on a date.
That's just, you want to go on a date.
And so if you see somebody that's quality
and you look at them and be like,
if they nose was a little smaller,
I might could go out with them.
Well, you might want to give that person a chance, right?
Or if you look at them like, oh, they seem great.
And then they put that they five, five,
and you be like, oh no,
then like you might want to give them an opportunity.
Remember, you're not trying to marry them.
You just, you know.
What about age, like?
Uh-huh, age.
Because, yeah.
So how old are you?
I'm 29.
29, so you're really young.
So you can go up.
Jackie teaches that we date in season
or you marry in seasons, seasons of life.
So you're 29.
What if somebody had three toddlers or three little kids?
You might say, oh no, that's not for me.
I'm not in a season of raising toddlers
or someone who has children that are already almost adults.
You're not going to go back, right?
So seasons has to do with that too.
And so when you talk about age, it's up to you.
You can go up seven years, go down two years.
Women can tend to date men that are older without a problem.
Men that are older sometimes are more established.
Women, we come in the world with an intrinsic value and we have to add to it.
Men build themselves over time,
and that's why you can get with a man,
a woman can get with a man that's 10 years older than her and have a pleasant life,
because he's already built and established some things.
Men build as they go.
That's why you can't look at a man that's 29 and demand of him what a 50-year-old man has,
because men have to build what they're going to have.
Women come with their value.
They come with the womb.
They come with everything they need.
They come with intuition.
They come with all of these things,
and we just build upon that.
Men have to literally build everything that they get.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
So you want to be appropriate in that way,
and you may find that you don't mind a guy that's a little bit older,
go for older.
It depends on what season of life you're in.
Okay. Thank you.
You're welcome. I hope that helps.
I'll come back again to report.
I'm going to try.
Okay. That'd be great.
Next person. I think we should kind of, oh, Joanne?
Yeah. I'm here.
Okay.
I'm here. So I have these ups and downs that I've been going through.
I get really excited like, yes,
I'm going to fast and pray for my future husband.
I'm going to work on me because throughout my whole life,
I've been in church all my life now,
I was barely born on a pew in church all my life.
So I'm on this roller coaster trying to be really positive,
and then I hit that down slope after so many bad dates,
and it's like I'm trying to fight those negative thoughts.
It seems like a lot of Christian coaches,
they're always saying, oh, there's an abundance of godly men,
marriage-binding men.
There's so many men out there.
I'm like, well, if that's true,
then why there's so many millions of single women all around the world?
It's not just me. I'm seeing it all the time.
Another thing, I'm so sick and tired of hearing,
oh, rejection for protection.
I'm like, okay, again, if there's so many great men out here,
then why do we need all this protection?
I can tell you there's a lot of traffic lights outside.
I don't have to, and you know it's a fact because you see them all the time.
You get in your car, you're hitting light after light after light.
There are a lot of traffic lights out there,
but then they're like, oh, there's an abundance of godly men.
I'm like, okay, well, why are we not running into them if that's a fact?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Another thing I'm going to throw at you, it's a whole lot.
Okay.
Another thing I'm dealing with is,
okay, God designed the human brain to slowly develop over time.
Your brain is not fully developed until you're between the ages of 21 and 25, okay?
That's why you can't drink until you're about 21
because they're hoping that most of your brain is developed
before you can actually go get a drink by 21, you know?
So, my thing is, okay, if God designed us the way he designed us, right,
and he doesn't want us to have sex until we're married,
then why not have that sexual desire develop later on in life
when he wants us to be married around that time, you know?
So, that's what I'm trying to wrap my head around.
Okay.
So, let's start from the top,
from the first couple of things you talked about,
this rejection for protection,
and there are a lot of kingdom men for you to choose from.
I was sharing this with someone, and I think that it does well,
especially when you're from...
What age are you, Shekinah?
41. I just turned 41, May 9th.
Woo-hoo!
Especially when you are from a matriarchally-led people group.
And so, this may be more so geared toward women of color more than...
Because the Caucasian culture is still mostly patriarchally-led.
But let me tell you what happens in the breakdown of society,
and this is something that we have to be mindful of.
So, we have, in the Black community,
we have, and it was at one point, I don't know what it is now,
73% single-parent homes.
That means there are no fathers in the home.
You get me?
We have a culture that teaches women not to respect men.
That's our culture.
It's embedded in the American culture
that you get respect when you give respect.
That's not scripture.
The office of a husband requires respect.
Paul talked about two things.
He said that women are to respect their husbands,
and then he gives men nine other things that they must do.
That's the office.
When you come into that place,
that is the office of the husband,
that's the office of a wife, and this is what it requires.
Now, what am I saying?
Where am I going?
point. If you are a black woman and you understand that your black homes lack fathers, that means
you're going to get some black men who don't know what it's like to be a father and who
doesn't know what it looks like for a husband to love his wife.
Oh, true. Okay.
When you understand what your pool is to choose from, you then have to add in some, some,
some contingencies because that man also, if he operates in awareness, knows he needs
to add in some contingencies because this girl may have never seen a woman respect a
man. As a matter of fact, she's probably was abandoned by her father. And so he has to
show up with the capacity to help cultivate that woman in that way. So one of the key
things he's going to look for is that she's teachable because though she may, he may have
to help her grow in respect. If she's teachable, she wants to learn because she wants to stick
with the order because she knows that there's a reward in the order that guys put in place.
All right. So here we go. You're a black woman. You're looking for somebody from the pool
that you're dating. It's kind of like when people say, well, I don't want to do online
dating, which you don't have to do online dating, but the world has moved so much to
online dating. When you go out in the wild, men, they don't want to say nothing. But back
in the day, the only person who says something was the man. Women didn't approach no man
like it was a done deal even before they and family set up people. And in some places they
still do. But we're talking about the moving of the times and the time that you live in.
So if you refuse to come to grips with the time that you live in, then that's going to
be some kind of sometimes unfortunate for you. So that's the only place I'm trying to
speed us up to where we are. And so that does look like a lack of kingdom men. And it does
look like it's not a whole lot for the picking. But what I'm saying is when we get a perspective
on what our picking is, it helps us pick just a little bit differently. So then I gave this
example. I don't know where I was, but listen to this. You go into a neighborhood and you
know, Oh, I now know who I get, who I talked to this about. So let's go in this neighborhood
with all these big, beautiful homes. And you say, when I get my home, I want it to have
mature trees. I want it to be big. Well, if you want a mature tree, we already know that
you can't move into no new bill. Can you? New bills don't have mature trees. Older homes
have mature trees. Older homes come with more land, but this is what you want. You've already
dreamed of it. And so you go to the neighborhood where the houses are with the mature trees
and you walk in there and they say, listen, you look around. Oh, this is it. I like this
house in a real to say the only problem is we're going to have to do a good job in the
bathroom because the pipes have worn out. And in that back bedroom, um, there's been
some leaks over there and over here, the kitchen is going to have to be good because it doesn't
look just like you want it to look. And a matter of fact, the other two back rooms are
filled with mold. So they're going to have to be stripped down. We're probably going
to have to go into the attic and snatch some down. And you're going to say, wait a minute.
I ain't going to do all that. We ain't even got the money for that. I can't do that. That's,
that's not going to work for me. And then somebody else come behind you and they walk
in and the realtor tell them the same thing. They say, perfect. I already know how to do this.
I know how to do that. We got the money set aside for this in there, right? We got this,
I can do this. I can fix it up and be just like I want. But guess what? She kind of,
you're not left with that one. You can go down the street and it's another house. And the only
thing that has to be done is you're going to have to decorate the kitchen, uh, do a little
work in the bathroom and do a little work here. And it's the perfect house for you too.
What am I saying to you? We're in a market with houses. They all come with some type of fixing up
that has to happen. You're going to have to know what you're equipped with for the house that
you're going to purchase or the house that you can get. And you may not be the one for the good job
of the most of the house and doing the piping, but you may be perfect for the one that's going
to fix up the bathroom and do a little something, something with the kitchen and paint the cabinets
and paint the walls and do your perfect color. Are you tracking with me? And so when we're looking
at the market, you have to look at the market through the lens of self-awareness of yourself,
what you're equipped with and not just that. What do you need? What areas have you fallen short in
that you need to look for a specific skill set in the man that you're choosing possibly.
So no, he may not be those things you had on your list. Never. It's going to be void of mature
marriage mind. That's never a compromise. That's the foundation. That's the foundation. Let's,
let's keep this clear. That's the foundation that don't move. So can I find a righteous man? Yep.
May not speak in tongue, may not lay hands and may not cast out devils. Is he righteous?
Okay. That's my first, that's my first criteria. He don't have to be righteous.
He's going to have to be mature in some way. He may not be mature in this way,
but he's mature in all the ways that I need him to be mature because I can tell that he can grow.
So I'm going to watch him over.
time to see how well he grows. I'm going to be a fruit inspector. I'm going to take some time
because I think he got some good bones. And so sometimes we have to shift our perspective to good
bones. That's it. And so no, the world is not filled of these kingdom men that fit everything
on our profiles. It's just absolutely ready to go. But what if it's filled with somebody
that once you've profiled yourself, you find that you need somebody who has a strength in this area
and strength in this area because you need cultivation. Everybody needs some cultivation.
And you are equipped with this, this, this. You're not looking for a project. I did not say that.
We're not looking for projects. I did not say that. You are still looking for a man that is mature,
marriage minded, and masculine. And that comes on all type of levels.
That's all type of levels. Some people, their husband only has to go to church with them.
Ain't nothing wrong with that. That's the level that they're in. But somebody else is knee deep
in ministry. They're going to have to have a husband that has capacity for that. They're
going to have to have a husband that go, he's not coming to fit you because you're his Ezra.
You're actually his help. And so that's the thing that has to be realized too, because sometimes we
show up to the market saying, what can you do for me? When actually the scripture says,
you're coming to help him. Yeah. We're the help mate. We're the help mate. And we got this list
like you ain't, you can't serve me. Ain't nothing you can do for me. And of course,
one gives way to the other. If you get a husband that's righteous and teachable,
if you get a husband who's wise and integrious, then don't you know that he has the wisdom?
Don't you know this man can hear from the spirit of God and he makes space for you as you make
space for him. That's just the way it goes. One begets the other. And so that's what I want to
share with you Shekinah. And I think that it really helps when we adjust to our, where we are,
what people group we're choosing from, our expectations, knowing that me and Bill,
like sometimes somebody may say, oh, well, yeah. So there are a lot of things we could say,
but I think that's a really good perspective to have. And it may help bring breakthrough.
They have to show grace. And then the other thing is, I believe that one of the parts of,
so I believe culturally, we are in a culture about when a person gets married, when a person
doesn't get married. In some cultures, women get married when they're 12 and 11 and 13.
My mama always says, she's a nurse, still is, almost 50 years. She said a 13 year old can
spit out a baby and bounce back like it's nothing. She said, I always wonder if that's the age you're
supposed to have babies. She said, I know it sounds strange, but the way they bounce back,
she said, they spit babies out like it's 14, 15, the baby just pop out and they keep going to keep
going. But every culture is different. So it's shown upon in our culture. I am saying that to
say this, no, I don't believe in pedophile stuff. That's not my point. My point is this,
I can't give you an answer. In our culture, you wait sometime, you know, we don't get married at
12 and 13, it's against the law, unless your parents sign you over. But I do know you get an
opportunity to bring your flesh on the subjection to the order you decided for it to operate in.
I do know that you have that ability within you to say, I know if come you ready to make a baby,
because that's what happens when the body is ready to make a baby. I know you want to make
a baby and that's why you feeling all hot and horny right now, but we're not making a baby this
month because we're not married yet. And so, because I run this temple, you're going to come
under the order that I said, and this is the order that I said, because if I don't put you under
order, you're going to lead me into some places that don't serve me best. You're going to lead
me to some heartbreak. And I'm not willing to let you who have no direction, unless I give it to you,
tell me what to do. And that's what I think about that.
Okay. Thank you for your input. You're welcome, Shekinah.
All right, Joanne, uh-oh, 840. Joanne, go for it. Go for it for two strong minutes.
I have a lot of praises to share. And I have a short question, but like,
um, I asked this guy, Al, who's my friend. I'm so proud of myself. And he said he upgraded from
coffee to dinner. And I just like this guy so much. He's
Like he's like a teddy bear to me and we spent like six hours probably breaking the rule but um
Like we had dinner and then we played ping-pong we watched a movie, but it just I just like this guy
But he's like a lot younger than me. Okay. He's 13 years. Okay. What is the light?
Oh, i'm like 46 right almost 47. He's 34 or something like that
I told him I told him like hey, is this like so I clarify is this a day he's like and then he's like
Yeah, let's make it a day and i'm like great. I just want you know
I'm 46. What do you think and he's like, it's fine. I'm like, all right, cool. Um
So anyways, that's matthew i'm just waiting for him to
Like ask me out again. He said he wanted to do it again. I'm like, yeah, I'd love for you
I'd love to go out again. So
I'm, just waiting on that
and um, so I am gonna see
Uh, the guy went on a hike with like two weeks ago
I'm gonna see him again on friday
And the guy ray who you know was talking a lot. I did tell him I told him how I felt
And he handled it really well. He's the same guy that I wrote to you on the chat like on the
app
yeah about the name and we talked it through i'm so proud of myself because
I was I was
Realizing I was getting triggered about like mom stuff
Like I was scared that he's gonna gaslight me and if I like confront him and tell him how I felt
He was gonna like again gaslight me and blame me because that was kind of like what my mom did she has bipolar
So but he didn't he was very it was like very mature conversation. He told me his perspective. I told him my perspective. He was very
Uh was very mature so that's kind of my question we're gonna meet up on saturday
but it's like it's interesting because i've been talking to three people right and I think that's good for me because
I don't want to go too fast too soon. You know that and so
um
The thing is
like
I feel this unsettledness with ray that I don't feel with these other two guys
And i'm wondering is my discernment like saying there's something off
You know that I can't pinpoint it like maybe something with his baggage or divorce, right?
I don't want to delve into it because it's kind of really early. I haven't even met him
Um, but like when I talked to my counselor, she said everything seemed really it seems good. I mean he responded
Well with your desire for more balance
Um you you I talked to him about he he ended up apologizing he was supposed to get back to me about
Meeting up last week, but he never did but then he told me i'm really sorry
He took ownership and I told him how I felt
I just feel like it's very interesting because i haven't met him, but we have like really good conflict resolution skills
but i'm like this feels like reverse like
we still haven't even met and
Had much fun, but we are like
So good at like mature conversations
I don't know and then so i'm kind of like wondering is it is it my own issues my own triggers?
That god wants me to heal in this with this situation with ray
How much of it is that and how much of it is like my discernment saying there's something that's off that I feel
Unsettled about you know what I mean?
I know what you mean
But I believe that you need to meet up with him if you're going to meet up with him
I believe that it is too you don't know enough to make a decision
I just think you're trying to make a decision. You don't have enough information and that's why you have all these options in your head
Because you're trying to make a decision after something you don't have information to do
And so it's like is it this is it this is it this is it this anytime you can say is it this is it?
This is this is this you don't have enough information to make any decision
So you have to stop your mind from looping
About this person
Put it on the back burner
And go out on a date with him if you're going to go out on a date
Okay. Yeah, I am. I think that's kind of what i'm learning right ebony
I've been praying a lot about god's timing and not joanne's timing
Because it's not an issue only in dating to be honest is I tend to rush my life
Like my work my activities and i'm like really
Trying to align my timing with god's timing because every time I try to push I feel like it actually backfires
Like somehow whether it's me or the relationship, right?
so, um
And but I was very tempted several times to eject
but I i'm trying to just let things unfold instead of just like
Self-protection right what you shared. It's like oh no i'm feeling alarms of like
You know potential like dysfunction
So I want to get out of this
um, but then i'm glad that every time I do show up and you know, we do talk it's
It's like better and better, you know?
Is that normal to have so many like little hiccups
until we meet though?
It's kind of weird.
It's been two weeks.
And I'm like-
Well, first of all, y'all been talking two weeks.
It's time to meet.
You're talking to somebody you haven't met, you know?
So y'all need to meet as soon as possible.
And probably you just cut back on all the talking
until you meet each other.
And I want you to remember,
even if you meet him and what you thought was right,
that's just information.
See, we try to pin something down
to get ahead of something to protect ourselves,
but you don't have to protect yourself.
So whatever ding you get, just make a mental note of it.
Like, oh, that's interesting.
And then you can see if you were right or wrong.
You have no commitment to this guy.
You're not marrying him.
None of those things.
Like there's nothing on the line.
So I don't need to tell,
even though he's just talking to me,
I don't need to tell him
I'm talking to other guys unless they clearly ask, right?
No, you don't have to tell him that.
Okay.
Sometimes I feel bad.
It's like, oh, he's doing it out of his own prerogative,
you know?
Yeah, but your feeling is not true.
Your feeling is just how you feel.
You've been programmed that way.
Oh, like the guilty feelings?
Yeah, that's a programming.
Yeah.
That says, you're a single woman.
Why can't you talk to anybody?
He's not asking you to be exclusive with him.
You're single.
So that tells you that this is a programming.
It's something you believe.
What truth is that?
There's not enough truth on that.
So if you're feeling guilty and feeling bad,
you have to deal with that guilty
and say, you have no home here.
I'm a single free woman.
Okay.
I know the uncomfortability that you're talking about.
I felt it before, but it's not true.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll see him.
I'll see that guy, one of the guys on Friday,
and then I'll see Ray on Saturday.
So, yeah.
Like, hopefully, that's another thing to navigate all that,
because I'm like, oh, that's a lot to navigate too.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Well, I hope you have fun.
I know you will.
Yeah, me too.
I'm learning to have fun and relax.
I used to be so like, ah.
But now I'm like learning to just like, you know,
just chill out, just chill, you know?
Not in a rush, not having this outcome,
like you were saying earlier.
So, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Well, sounds good, ladies.
It has been a great night.
Post whatever other questions you have.
I hope that tonight was wonderful and that you enjoyed it
and that we learned some things.
If not, or disagree with some things,
it is a journey.
And so, happy dating, happy processing,
and happy fun times walking by faith with the Lord,
because this is indeed a faith journey to the fullest.
All right.
All right, ladies.
Have a good night.