Okay, we are doing the love seats tonight.
This is Renee.
I am not Jackie.
And before I hit record, I let folks know that Jackie had a home emergency and a medical
issue come up all at the last minute.
So I'm going to tag in for coaching.
She will be back next week for a love seat episode.
So you will still get your Jackie fix for the month.
And so I was just starting off talking about what is it like to date in level two.
And so it's still dating.
You guys, you can still flirt.
You can flirt without being sexual.
You can still smile.
You can still put your hand on their shoulder.
There's still ways that you can flirt and win people over.
And if you don't know how to flirt, Jackie did a great teaching on it.
And I think February of 2024, I think that's what Bethany mentioned.
But it's it should be fun and flirty.
Like men should see in that first level two dating what it's like to date you.
Now you're not making out with him or her, but you can still show what a dating, what
dating you looks like.
Because how I act with men that are just my friends is very different than how I flirt
on dates.
Now, if I'm not into the guy, I don't flirt.
And then I just am friendly.
And so I just want to make sure you guys feel the freedom to flirt and learn how to
flirt without being sexual.
It's kind of like you guys, you can actually be a comedian.
Like I love Nate Bargatze.
He has shown that you could be a comedian without being filthy.
Like you can actually be funny.
And Leanne Morgan, you can be funny.
What is it with the South?
See, they know how to do it in the South.
You can be funny without swearing and without being sexual.
And the same is true with flirting.
You can flirt without being sexual and without swearing.
And so practice that.
And so because people, especially guys, guys want to see your feminine side.
And so we're going to avoid phrases like, we're just friends.
We're friend zoning each other.
So does that feel good?
Like we want to be careful of using the friend zone wording.
We're just not adding the physical romance right now.
Yeah.
Okay.
Awesome.
Last week, I practiced flirting by making eye contact.
Yes.
Nora, that's it.
I mean, it's all about the eye contact.
Let's see.
Who can I start to flirt with right now?
Well, Nora, so I can flirt with you because you're right up dead center.
See like, see like, you know.
It sounds like silly, but it's all good.
Okay.
So I think I've beat that dead horse.
Phone dates versus video dates.
Another person was really struggling with trying to stop the other person from oversharing.
And she was right.
It is really hard to stop oversharing when you're only with the person on the phone.
Because if I'm physically with you and you can see me and you start to overshare, look
what I get to do when you start to overshare.
Whoa.
I need you to hold on for a sec.
Like, I really want to hear that at some point.
Now's not the time.
Do you see how I can visually slow you down?
But I can't do that on the phone, especially if people are just running their mouth off.
You can't get a word in edgewise.
And it's fine, babe, just let it go.
My dog is barking because the cleaners have decided to clean the hallways at this hour.
Yes.
So that's why I am not a fan of a lot of phone dates.
You already know.
I'm a fan of video dates and in-person dates so you can see their body language.
You can just get a better gauge of who they are.
So yes, once you start dating, do you want to switch over to phone dates?
Fine, whatever, because you don't always look good.
But it is really hard when you're first getting to know somebody to set the pace when you're
only on the phone.
It's a lot harder to stop them.
So that is another good reason for video dates.
Okay.
I also saw this.
Some of us women, we want men to have these exotic, fabulous questions, right?
Like you know all those questions I used to ask in single spotlight that are fun and flirty?
And if you guys don't know fun, flirty questions to ask, pull up any of the single spotlights
that we've done over the last year.
There's always at least a dozen fun, silly questions I ask people.
And just have them in your back pocket ready to go.
But not everybody's in coaching.
So sometimes if you ask really good questions, now here's what I do.
What I used to do.
Because I'm married now, so I got to say it like it's a past tense.
So what I used to do is if I had some really fun questions, I would actually say, hey,
I have a few fun questions.
Do you mind if like we each take turns?
sharing answers about them.
So I already tell them upfront,
we're gonna take turns sharing the answers
so that it's not just a one-way conversation.
But if you say, well,
if they realize they've done all the talking,
this is true for men and women,
and they go to you, oh my gosh,
I've just done all the talking,
please tell me about yourself.
Do not throw back in their court,
well, what do you wanna know?
They've already let you know
they kinda don't know exactly what to ask,
but they've already realized that they're talking too much.
So they've just lobbied it to you.
And so you're like, well, where do I start?
And you can even say, well, gosh,
I don't know where to start,
so let me give you some basics.
If there's anything that I say that piques your interest,
feel free to ask me more about it.
And that's when you can need
to have prepared your elevator pitch.
The thing that you can say about yourself
in under a minute that gives people
the gist of what they do.
You know, what you do, what you like,
what you're looking for, things that matter to you.
So if they ask you, so tell me about yourself,
don't jump back with, what do you want to know?
Chances are that was the best question
they had in their arsenal.
So just work with it.
Help a brother, help a sister out.
Okay.
And the other thing I wanted to say is,
so for those of you that have been slogging it out
as long as me, like you're like,
Renee, I remember when y'all first started the program.
I am doing everything that Jackie
and you and Bethy have asked to do.
I'm working on my weight.
I'm working on movement.
I'm working on my food, fellowship, friends, finances.
I'm on the apps, or if I'm not on the apps,
I'm going to meet up groups.
Like I literally am doing everything
that you guys are asking me to do.
And I'm still not with my person.
What else do I need to do?
The answer is nothing.
That's the answer.
Just keep doing what we've encouraged you to do,
but make sure the one thing that you are doing
is making sure that you leave room
for things that bring you joy.
Because if your man or woman isn't there to bring you joy,
you need other things or people in your life
to bring you joy.
Whether it's go on vacations, join a book club,
take a cooking class, I don't know.
Whatever it is that's going to bring you joy,
make sure that you have space to do it.
I wish I could tell you that there was something magical
and different that I did the year I met Brian
versus any of the previous years.
Sometimes it's literally just timing.
Sometimes you're just waiting for the other person
to get ready for you.
Does that make sense?
So I want some of you to kind of like be relieved
that if you really are doing all that we've asked you to do,
then don't stop doing it, but don't be discouraged
and don't beat yourself up that you're doing something wrong.
You know, I really wished I could have met Brian,
especially when his kids were younger,
because right now they're grown adults
that live very far away.
So I don't get to really be the bonus mom
that I was hoping I was going to get to be,
simply because his kids are a lot older.
But you know what?
Brian had a lot of baggage when his mom was still alive
and I had a lot of baggage when my dad was still alive.
And we both lost our parent.
Almost at around the same exact time
when we did not know each other.
So there may be some part of your story
and some part or some part of your partner's story
that just needs to come to pass.
And it has nothing to do with you not doing enough
or doing too much of something.
So I just want you to trust in that.
And so even though I had to wait until I was 57,
and by golly, that's way later than I wanted it to be,
I promise you, we have such a good marriage.
And Jackie and I actually got to be in person this weekend.
And we talked about it a lot.
She said, you know, Renee,
your marriage is going so much more smoothly
than a lot of early marriages,
especially when you've been single
for as long as you've been single.
And she goes, I think it's just because the two of you
did so much heartwork ahead of time.
Like you came to the marriage already healthy
with your stuff together.
And so I just want to encourage you in that.
That's like the last thing I just wanted to say
before we take questions,
is I just want to encourage you.
And if you are weary from this,
then make sure that there's something in your life
that lifts the weary.
Whether it's, like I said,
whether it's going to vacation, get a massage,
and take breaks if you need to, you guys.
It's like take a break from a dating app,
take a break from something
so you don't have to be hitting it from all cylinders
at all of the time.
But just make sure you don't go to zero.
You might not be operating at 100%,
but stay somewhere above 60.
That would just be my goal for you.
So that's just my encouragement.
All right, raise your hand if you've got.
Scenarios, questions, of course, loveseats.
It can be just about anything.
Ideally, if you can, unless you're somewhere
and you're not dressed appropriately,
ideally, if you come on, that you would be on camera
so I can see who you are.
Lily, is it Lily?
Can you unmute, Lily?
I don't see you.
I'll unmute.
Okay.
There you are.
See, I like to even look at the chicks I'm talking to,
not just the men.
Okay, there you go.
Okay, so I asked my scenario.
Okay, sorry.
No, you're good.
Okay, so I seem to,
I'm trying to figure something out.
So I live in Georgia and I have in the past,
I look at, I'm looking at my patterns.
So in the past three years, I've gone out with, gosh,
four men.
And so I'm trying to figure out,
the length of the distance is like about an hour.
Right now, the current boyfriend is an hour and a half.
And it's made it very challenging
because his schedule is just so,
he doesn't have weekends off.
We don't have the same days off.
And he's been trying to get it back on
so that, well, he's trying to get a job
where we have the same schedule.
And it's becoming just very challenging.
And so I'm-
Did you write in about this at all?
I feel like I've seen this.
Did you?
Yeah, so I'm wondering like,
because it's affecting him so much,
I'm thinking, do we just then take a break
from the whole relationship and let him figure that out?
Or it just-
So I'm not sure if you saw the suggestion I gave.
So how-
I really understand it.
Okay, well then that's why I'll explain it.
Okay, so you guys are exclusive, right?
Yeah.
And how long have y'all been together?
Since, officially since January,
but we've been in each other's lives
since November of last year.
Okay, so enough time.
So what I was suggesting,
because an hour and a half is a long haul,
but 45 minutes is less of a haul.
So what I was trying to suggest was,
instead of like somebody having to do that long drive
and it be like long dates,
could you one or two days a week meet halfway?
And if you're gonna meet halfway,
obviously it's not at each other's homes.
And because he's so stressed,
I was thinking, can you do things like
go to the gym, an escape game,
go play darts, go play pool,
like actually do something that would relieve his stress
and be fun and playful.
And then every other week you would take,
or on the weekends,
one of you would take turns doing the 90 minute drive,
whether it's going to church together
and it's something a little bit more in depth
and meaningful.
So that was what I was suggesting is,
instead of you calling it quits,
or instead of you trying to keep slugging it out
the way you're doing it,
if before you bailed on this relationship,
if he still wants to,
could you try to meet halfway a couple of days a week?
Now, I don't know what hours you guys both work,
so I don't know if you guys both get done
at like five or six,
can you be somewhere by seven o'clock
and like do something fun
and then you go your separate ways kind of thing.
And then, if you do that once or twice a week
and then you FaceTime once a week,
that's helping you guys maintain that relationship
while also doing something fun together
and not stressful together.
So that was what my, I don't know where you went,
you must've undid your hand.
So does that make more sense?
Yeah, it makes more sense.
What if he's not, he just doesn't have energy to do that?
Well, then if he doesn't have the energy to do even that,
then I think it is okay for you to say,
hey, I don't want to do this right now,
but it doesn't seem like you have the capacity
to be putting in for dating.
And I don't want any,
either one of us to feel forced into doing this.
So I'd rather release you
until you get to a season where you have capacity.
And when that season comes,
I don't know if I'll be single or not,
but feel free to reach out to me
and I'll let you know that if I am or not available.
Right, yeah, that works
because it's just been overwhelming and stressful
and then he'll complain about the drive.
He just complains,
and I don't want to hear about the complaints.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
And that's why I think if you.
say the phrase, it just seems like you don't have the capacity right now.
It just it seems like everything is work.
And I just don't want that for you.
And I don't want that for me, frankly.
I, I want somebody who has the capacity and the desire to come be with me.
And if that's not where you're at right now,
that's just that's just our circumstances.
So that if you say it like that, it sounds less combative.
And it just sounds like more like that's just where you're at.
And if he says, well, I know I want to keep seeing you,
then you then you then you can say, well, if you want to keep seeing me,
then I think that then my preference would be for us to pick a schedule
where neither one of us complains about it
because the complaining and the frustration is wearing me down.
And so you need to tell me what that schedule needs to look like
so that you can do it without being bothered by it.
Otherwise, it's taking all the fun out of it.
So you're kind of putting it back in his court, but kindly, but firmly.
I mean, clearly, you know, being clear
if if the relationship ends,
do I just avoid the, you know,
getting to know men who I have to drive more than an hour?
I wouldn't. I mean, I will say, I mean, Brian was three and a half hours away
for me. He was working a full time job at the school, also working at the hospital.
And so and so it's and I said to him,
how are we going to have time today?
Like, how are we going to do this?
And he said, well, I'd have to be intentional
and I would only do it if I really liked you.
So somebody will commute if they really like you.
But I do think to me, 90 minutes like to me
that like 90 minutes is about as far away as my sister is.
And so a lot of times we're both so lazy about driving out to each other's house.
So we meet halfway in Nashville a lot like we'll meet out for dinner a lot.
And so and she's my sister.
It's not like I don't I want to be in relationship with her.
So we don't always make the trek out to each other.
So if you're dating somebody with a further distance like that,
it might mean you're going to have early on more dates
where you're meeting halfway. And I think that's OK.
Yeah. OK, thank you.
I'm glad that you asked about it because I feel like that's a good common question.
And it's just it's really it's a really good question.
I think a lot of people have seen a version of that.
All right, Nora, what you got?
Hello. Hello.
Speaking of flirting, I'm wearing my hat that I got off of Instagram
that says I'm single.
I love it.
So I'm just like, you know, going about my day.
So no takers.
You could just put your QR code on the back of your shirt.
Well, actually, the same.
They also sell a shirt that has a QR code that's like looking for my future husband.
So I haven't I haven't gotten to that level yet.
You know? Yeah. So it's always not.
Yeah. So I have a question that's dating adjacent,
but more about community, if that's OK.
So I know for myself that, like, just in general,
I thrive when I I love this community.
That's amazing. And I'm so grateful for it.
And also I thrive when I have more consistent in-person community
where I feel like I'm really safe and and like where I can.
I feel like they see the whole spectrum of me.
And yeah. And so, you know, I've had that in the past.
But then, you know, seasons changed and people moved.
And so that that kind of just changed.
But like basically right now, I'm in a space where not to bash the church
that I'm in, but I for whatever reason, I just don't gel with them
to the point where I don't feel safe.
I've been trying it out for a year and it's getting to the point
where I have clarity for me that like this is not where I'm going to thrive,
where I feel like it's what I need in order to feel supported
as I move through like a lot of deep heartwork, to be honest, and also dating.
You know, like I feel because I feel more vulnerable right now
because I have that like loneliness ache that I could be more vulnerable
to something that's not right for me just because it's some attention versus like,
you know, none.
So I just I'm curious.
I'm going to start looking at other churches, but that's kind of daunting.
And so I'm just curious.
Like, I would love to get your perspective of like, how do you suss out?
What is a a church space where it's safe?
Because obviously we're not going to be dropping our deepest trauma on each other
like day one when you when I try church, but I find like, you know, some churches,
you know, it's a place where you can kind of it's OK not to be OK.
And they really mean it versus like, well, so here's here's a couple.
Here's a few things.
And I'll tell you just what's available in my community as
adjacent church, adjacent options.
One, I'm in a Facebook page called Women
of Williamson County, that's the county I live in.
And I can't tell you how many times
I've seen women put in there,
you guys, I just moved to town
or I'm in a new season in life, I just need girlfriends.
Here are the things I like to do.
Does anybody, and no matter what it is,
whether it's single, old, married, has babies,
I've always seen at least five or six women go,
me too, let's meet for coffee.
So that's one option.
From that, a woman in our community
started something called Our Gathering Table.
And they literally have meetups all around the city
and they even have it in other states
and fun, fun, fun ways to get to know you.
Some people have found their best tribe in that.
So that's another way.
The other thing that my town has is
there is a woman who owns a boutique
and she sponsors like community Bible studies
for women who wouldn't necessarily show up
at a church.
And so I actually, I taught my book,
my book on hope a couple of years ago,
and I met eight women all just in different places
in their life who also felt like they weren't finding
their community at church.
And so I'm gonna encourage you to kind of like
look into that, like search on your Facebook feed
to see if there's a Facebook community
for women in your community.
Look for, you know, Google like book clubs,
local Bible studies.
Like, so your community, especially if you love your church,
like sometimes people really love their pastor
and they love going on Sunday.
So they don't wanna give up their church,
but they're not connecting with girlfriends.
And here's the beauty about you doing this,
Nora, it might introduce you to a whole different set
of potential men that are nothing,
that might not be connected in any other way,
except it might be the brother, cousin, friend
of somebody in this community group.
So I would look for that intentionally.
I'm just suggesting that, and I will let people throw out
in the feed for you what is available in their community
that might seem like a good idea.
The other thing that I'm just thinking of,
and I know this is also co-ed, so this isn't,
so here's a great way to meet men and women.
It's called, it's like, it is like,
I forget, I saw it on my Facebook feed.
It's like where you put your name in the hat
for a dinner meetup group.
And so they match you with like five random people
to have dinner with.
And you-
Is it Christian or is it just like-
Just regular, it's just regular.
And so here's the thing, and so like, I thought,
my gosh, that's a really cool way to try to meet people
versus just a nap.
So yes, I mean, I found my husband on Facebook dating,
but he's a believer.
So chances are, you might find people who are believers
who are just looking for community,
but there isn't a Christian version of that.
That's the problem.
I don't know if there's enough Christian organizations
doing this.
And so, you know, you do run the risk
of not finding somebody who's a believer,
but you, I thought, what a cool way.
Instead of doing speed dating,
instead of just doing blind apps,
you can meet men and women, like eight of you,
at a restaurant, and worst case scenario,
you get a really good meal, you know,
and they're total buttheads.
So those are my suggestions.
If anybody else has suggestions
on how Nora can find women's communities.
Yeah.
Then feel free.
That's helpful, thank you.
And I mean, honestly, I'm not tied to this,
which like, I don't really, I want to change.
I definitely am open to like community and other places.
And also I don't like this church,
so another question about just-
And so here's also a way that you will know.
So I used to be, so another thing on churches,
cause you also mentioned,
so thank you for bringing that back.
Cause you mentioned a church that is willing to go deep.
So I was a trained Stephen minister.
So Stephen ministry is a interdenominational
brand of lay pastoral care.
You know, if a church has a Stephen ministry program
and 12 step kind of recovery programs, celebrate recovery,
chances are they're a church that will talk about stuff,
the hard stuff.
So either look for churches that have celebrate recovery
in their ministries or Stephen ministry,
chances are going to be pretty high
that they will be willing to have the hard conversations.
Okay, well, thank you.
You bet.
Marilee.
Marilee, is it Marilee?
It's Marilee.
See, you messed me up every time.
I'm sorry, girl.
Just think of Bob.
I know.
Okay.
Hi, Renee.
So my-
question is a follow-up from the last time I asked a question. And I had asked a question
about leading, when not to lead. And this guy, I had suggested a second video chat and
he had responded, sure. And we did have the second video chat and it was pleasant. He
probably talked for 90% of the conversation, but it was still pleasant. And then I let
it be. A few days passed by and finally yesterday he reached out. I said that I was off yesterday
and he said, oh, well, if you're off, maybe we could meet at lunchtime for a coffee. But
the time didn't work for me because I had another commitment. So, and we had not exchanged
phone number. He had sent me his phone number and we had been communicating through FaceTime.
So, I had his number, but he didn't have mine. So, I said, that won't work for me. How about
early afternoon, sorry, late afternoon, early evening? And he didn't respond right away
and I had to go. So, I said, I won't have access to FaceTime in the next little while.
If it works out for you in the afternoon or evening, you can reach me at this number,
right? Okay. So, he reached out and said, thanks for sharing your number. And I have
not heard from him again. And I've been...
You don't need to do anything else. You don't need to do anything else. So, the only thing
we need to do on our end, ladies, is after every day, if we want to see them again, we
say, I had a great time. I'm not sure where you're at, but I would love to continue to
get to know you. Boom. So, they don't leave that phone call wondering what you think.
You've been clear. I would love to, I don't know where you're at, but I just wanted you
to know, I would love to keep talking to you and keep getting to know you.
If they offer a date, exactly what you just did, hey, I already have plans at that time,
but I can meet at this time or this time. And then if they don't book that date, then
that's on them. Then you're done letting them know, because you've let them know. You've
not just said no, you've offered an alternative, but they don't pick that ball back up. And
this is where, and men, I'm sure this happens to you with some women too. There's a phrase
I heard somebody say, and I think it's just really true. It's sometimes they like you,
they just don't like you enough. They don't like it enough. They're not motivated enough
to do anything about it. You want people that like you enough or want to date enough to
keep going. So you don't have to do the heavy lifting. You did exactly what you needed to
do. You, that was perfect.
So do you think at this point I can just close the loop and move on and let them know what
it's like meeting you?
Okay. So I will say this. Have you guys had an in-person date yet?
No, no, we haven't.
So here's what I started to do. I would let, I would keep that Facebook connection open
for like a couple of weeks. And then if I never heard from him again, I just delete
the conversation. I don't go out with a big exit explanation because if they've not reached
out to me in a couple of weeks, then I'm done. But I don't have to tell them I'm done because
they've given me no reason. They've given me no courteous, like they've not been courteous
enough to earn that. And so, and he has your number. So if he really wants to reach out
to you after you close it in a couple of weeks, he can, he can reach out to you. So that's
me. I used to think I'd have to, I used to think it was important to do this big formal
goodbye. Look, I haven't heard from you. So I'm thinking you're not interested. Goodbye.
Like, but then you have to keep the conversation open long enough to make sure that they've
actually read that sentence. And then it can just be awkward. So I thought, you know what?
The only people that I give an explanation to are the people that actually go out on
a date with, whether it's on a video date or a phone date, I mean, um, in-person date,
I would then say, Hey, it was really nice getting to know you. I really enjoyed our
time at this point. I don't want to pursue anything further. I wish you the very best.
That's what I did. If I got a video day or an in-person date, I gave the courtesy of
closing the loop. Um, or if they started to like unwind.
find the conversation, they went AWOL.
I might say something like,
hey, haven't heard from you in a bit.
I did enjoy our time together.
I would have liked to have gotten to know you better,
but we probably just aren't on the same page.
So I just want to let you know,
I wish you all the very best.
And I close that loop.
So like you just say it politely, kindly,
I wish you the very best, boom.
I'm glad, I'm just glad this,
I was really upset yesterday
and I was upset this morning as well
when I checked out the agency,
but at the same time, I'm happy this happened
because it made me realize how I felt.
Right, like all that was happening,
bubbling at the surface, I was aware,
which was different.
And you played it perfectly.
You did everything.
And here's the thing, you guys,
all of us don't like getting rejected.
There, I don't, I mean, there's,
unless you're like a complete narcissist,
or whatever, and you just don't care about people,
like most of us don't like getting a no.
We don't like getting a no for a job.
We don't like getting a no in anything.
I don't like getting nos.
And so that initial sting you feel,
that is okay and that's normal.
That doesn't mean some guy or girl broke your heart.
It just means, oh, like, it's just the sting.
So take the sting,
but not give too much value to the sting,
especially if you didn't meet this person in real life.
You guys, they don't know how wonderful you are.
They don't know you yet.
So they don't know what they just rejected.
They don't know.
So they're, so that's how you have to like,
be able to go, it stings,
but they did not break my heart
because they didn't know my heart.
They didn't break your heart
because they didn't get to know your heart.
And that's on them.
Okay.
You bet, you bet.
I'm so proud of you, girl.
Helen.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Renee.
Hi.
You'll be proud of me.
I'm on camera.
I'm so proud of you.
Finally.
So I am in, I guess what you'd call level two.
I've been meeting with this guy, Eric,
for the last couple months, every week,
since March, since March 14th.
Okay.
And,
some of my friends have met him.
He's been to my church,
pastor and his wife have talked to him,
not for long,
because it was a busy Sunday,
but just kind of trying to involve,
you know, obviously community in person
and here and stuff like that.
I have some, what I believe I would call unknowns.
One of them being, he's 53, I'm 51.
He sold his home and moved in with his family.
He sold his home and moved in with his mom
to take care of her.
She's in her,
she's having some health issues and things like that.
So, which gave me some comfort.
Cause I was like, okay,
this is not a 53 year old guy living at home.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And so that's one of the questions.
So me and him,
I'm meeting with the pastor of my church on Sunday,
this Sunday at their home.
And I don't know whether it's,
it's two months in, right?
So I don't know whether to raise that concern
about what does that look like as far as,
you know, when you leave and have,
you know, like your own family,
you know, and stuff like that.
It's really too early to have that conversation.
It is not uncommon.
I have heard this a lot from people in their fifties
and sixties,
moving back in with a parent to take care of the parent.
One of our most beloved couples that got married
in this community a couple of years ago,
his mother was living with him
and they actually kept both homes.
Like they're about two states away.
So they spend some of their time in his home with mom
and some of the time in her home with her.
And so you just don't know what it's going to look like
and how creative you guys can be about it.
So I'm just curious two months in,
are you thinking about becoming exclusive?
That's the question I have.
So this Sunday, he said, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Okay.
And did you say yes?
I did.
You're level three.
Is it level three?
I don't know.
Red one's like three.
And he gave me a necklace with my birthstone on it,
which nobody's ever done before.
Damn.
So this is-
Everybody, see how Helm was like soft selling this to us?
Cause I'm sitting here going,
why is he meeting with the pastor
if they're not exclusive yet?
But you'd ask you to be his girlfriend
and he got you some jewelry and meeting the pastor.
So this guy is interesting.
Yeah. And he thought we were exclusive a few weeks ago. He was talking to me, he was telling
me about, he was talking to his coworkers and he was like, yeah, my girl, whatever.
And I was like, your girl, when, when did that happen? I don't, I don't, I don't have
that conversation.
I will say, especially when they're older, like, you know, Brian didn't get a whole teaching
on levels. I promise you. Like once he met me, he's like, Hey, I'm in here. Like a lot
of guys, especially if they're older, like this whole dating more than one person at
the same time that just doesn't track with them. And so, you know, in his head, we were
probably exclusive way faster than I thought we were exclusive and that's okay. I mean,
that's okay. Yeah. Um, you know, we can't make people see other people like that's crazy.
And, and I will say like, once you've been dating a long enough time, you will find that
you may not want to sit. And this is for anybody who's been dating a while after the second
or third date. You're like, I just want to focus on this person, whether it's exclusively
named or not. You're like, you don't need to be going out on seven other dates just
for the sake of going out on seven. Cause we've told you in level two, you're supposed
to date other people. If you've had like a bunch of dates and you're like, I'm good.
I just want to focus on this one person. That's all I have time for. And that's okay. As long
as you keep your head about yourself.
So he told me, he told me he shut down his Facebook dating thing the day he met me. I'm
like, Whoa, Whoa. Um, he, uh, and there's another thing that shocked me. He said in
all he's, he's dated, you know, a lot more people than me, girls than me. But he said
that, um, he's never had to, he's never asked a woman to be his girlfriend. It just kind
of, I guess happened. Has he been married before? No, never married. No kids. Wow. Okay.
Yeah. So tell me, tell us, tell the audience, what are like the top five things you love
most about this guy that's reeling you in?
Yeah. He's an amazing communicator. He's very clear with where he's at from day one. He's
been, I'm attracted to you. I find you beautiful. I find you amazing. I, you've worked so hard,
you know, I've shared some of the hardships that I've been through in my life and he appreciates
that. Um, he's learning Swahili of all things. Um, so he's, he's not afraid of culture and
things like that. We've been to, it's crazy. We have a lot of things in common. Like we've
been to some of the same countries. Um, it's pretty wild. I feel like maybe we're in the
same country at one point. He, he went to high school in Germany. He graduated, he went
to a military high school or a school for military families in Germany. And, and, um,
I've been there and I've been to Jordan, some of the other countries he's been to. So it's
pretty wild. Um, so a lot of things in common, he, he, uh, very, um, but he's mature. Um,
he, he, his job is dealing, his job is working for disabled, not disabled, challenged adults,
basically adults that are aggressive, uh, nonverbal, like it's a rough job and for the
County. So he's compassionate. That's another thing I prayed and prayed and prayed for is
God, I need a man with compassion. I, I'm not saying I've heard of her to life than anybody
else. I'm sure people have heard of than me, but I've heard some hard stuff. So I need,
I need that, um, segue to that. He doesn't make a whole lot and I don't know what to do with that.
You can, you can, you can share what you think. Okay. So here's, I gave this advice to somebody
else about money. Um, you want to make sure, especially the older we are, like, I know Jackie
talked about the fact that her and, um, David were in very tenuous financial situation when
they met, but they were also young thirties. So they had a lot of time to make up for that.
So once you're over 50 men and women, most of us want somebody who's financially stable.
So I don't care if they're making 30,000 a year or 300,000 a year, can they live within their means?
Can they learn how to manage their budget? Um, can they live on their budget without using a
credit card? That's the kind of responsibility we want, especially over 50 is can they live within
their means? Because you can be rich, poor too. I know plenty of people. I was on staff at a church
and I promise you, these people lived in McMansions and I can't tell you how many of
them were, um, mortgage poor and just so in debt because they were trying to live a lifestyle.
You just wouldn't know it. So that's my thing is if you are financially stable
and he is financially stable, can you be financially stable together? So that's what
you're going to be looking for is his ability to be stable. Okay. Okay. And we do have, I,
I feel like we have a lot of the same financial values, like it's not about all new cars, you
know, and stuff and good. Good. Okay. So what, what do you think I should
ask on Sunday, like what questions should I ask on Sunday then, like for you, just a
few examples of what I should ask.
You want to ask him?
In the past, I mean, the pastor's wife is going to be there, so like what should be
discussed ideally?
So you guys are going to ask the pastor's questions?
No, I told the pastor, I was like, Hey, you're my dad.
I don't have a dad.
So you're my dad.
Oh, I promise you that pastor will have questions ready.
He will have questions ready.
But some things that are good questions to have in front of those people, like when
I think about the couples, I put a lot of married couples in front of Brian and some
of the questions that they asked him had to do with, you know, what are your intentions?
Where do you want to go with this?
Like what kind of future can you provide Renee?
And so, you know, what have you learned about your past?
What are you going to do differently?
Because Brian was divorced, you know, what are you going to do differently?
Like what makes Renee different this time?
So those are the kinds of questions that you're starting to look for is what kind of future
do they envision?
And if you're both believers, it's like, how do you think, how do you, what kind of things
do you want to do together for the ministry?
Like how do you feel like, what do you think about a covenant marriage and how do you think
that's going to play?
How would you like a covenant marriage to play out in your life?
Because he's never been married, you know, what do you think you're the most concerned
about in getting married?
You know, like obviously you're going to be living with somebody, like what would be some
of the things that you would be the most concerned about or the hardest things for you to let
go of?
Those are kind of some good questions.
Okay.
Yeah.
I saw Nora asked a really good question in the feed, so I'm going to call on you next,
Rosanna.
But she said, pretentious awkward question, what if I'm used to a higher means than the
guy?
I think that's a fair and hard question to have.
Like, so if like, say you make a hundred grand and you're used to the lifestyle that goes
with that and they make 50 and they have a lifestyle that goes with that, I think you
need to have an honest conversation as you're in that exclusive relationship, like, Hey,
I make a really good salary and because of that, I'm able to do some things, you know,
you and I might not be in the same financial position.
Would you be okay if I make more money than you?
Would you be okay if I liked to kind of splurge on things that you may not want to splurge
on simply because I have it in my budget?
And again, back to what I was saying before, they might say, well, heck, as long as we're
saving a certain amount of money a month, that we're tithing a certain amount of money
a month, I don't care.
I mean, so that's what you're looking for is somebody that can be okay with that.
My sister makes a lot more money than my brother-in-law and I think he handles it fine.
I mean, but he's really big about not going into debt and not ever using it.
They use the credit card for points, but they always pay it off every month.
So that's what kind of thing you're looking for.
Rosanna, is it Rosanna?
No.
Thank you.
You bet.
It's my eyes tonight.
I only have one contact lens in too.
You're up lady.
Hi.
So this is my first phase three meeting.
Yay.
So is this your first time meeting me?
Although you watched the online dating and boundaries video, I did, hopefully, so.
I did.
Yeah.
So I haven't met you, met you, but I loved your videos.
I loved that.
So I'm excited about this.
I've been in on several dates, like when I was in phase two, at least on three dates
with three different guys and conversations.
And then one was a longer, we chatted for about two months and stuff, but there was
a lot of, he had a lot of health issues and other things that he was dealing with.
And we just decided to be friends.
And so now I'm, I took a little bit off of Facebook dating and Bumble, and then I'm back
on again.
And I'm definitely having more success on Facebook dating, although actually, no, that's
not true.
I met two guys on, on Bumble.
Anyway, all that to say, so this new guy that I'm chatting with, we just started talking
a couple of days ago and he's, I think about, I want to say he's maybe 70 to 90 minutes
away from me.
And I wasn't open to anything necessarily like long distance, but he has a sister that
lives like maybe 25 minutes from me.
70 to 90 minutes is not long distance.
That is not.
Okay.
Sorry.
Miles.
That's the same thing.
Sorry.
I think in my brain.
I mean, it's not down the street, but it's not.
It's not down the street for sure.
And you have to be more intentional, but it's not like a three hour.
No, not three hours.
I don't think I could do that.
So I think that's why I made it.
I was like, maybe it's not necessarily long distance.
Right.
I don't know.
But like, we're definitely hitting it off very well.
And there were times where I was just like, Hey, I want to know things like small things
about you that, um, because I could tell like two of the.
guys that I've had, they overshare and I'm like, what
are the small things that you're delightful, delighted in? And
what do you like? And he's like, Oh, I really like that you're
doing that. And I was saying, I suppose the way I'm, I've
learned so much through this program that I'm really happy
that I can, because I can be an overshare. And I want to share a
lot more, but I'm like, Nope, we're gonna wait. And I think he
actually really liked that. So all that to say is, so I did
drop a little bit of a hanky today of, he had said something
about paying bills or whatever. And he was like, joking about
something. But then I was just like, Oh, as long as you're
like, was it saving money to come where you know, when you
visit your sister, obviously making time to see me and he's
like, I can definitely do that. And so I'm just like, do I say
you guys that's flirting right there. That was flirting. She
just
I want to like, thank you. Yes. Great. And I know he and I are
gonna flirt. We already kind of flirt very well on the phone. I
can't wait to see him in person. However, I don't know how to,
like, we just started chatting a couple days ago. But and he
knows that I have, I'm a mother of five. And he was thrilled
about it. He's like, you are so blessed. That's wonderful. And I
do have on my profile that I'm open to having Kenny. And so he
asked me about that. He's like, Are you and I'm like, Yeah, I
am. And he's just like, Oh, that's, that's awesome. And so I
was really glad because that is a big hang up of mine. Telling
men that I have, yeah, five children. And so I don't know,
maybe I'm reading into it. Like, I really would really like to
see him soon. But I don't, I don't know if I should say, I'm
like, we're hitting it off really well. But I don't, I
think I'm assuming right now, like his schedule.
I think I think you, you bring up a really good thing for us to
kind of clarify, when we have really good chemistry with
somebody, you guys, we need to meet in person as soon as
possible. Because chemistry digitally can really, because
all you have is a conversation, it's gonna be too easy for you
guys to just start to go down, down the romance, like drain,
and start to overshare. So you want to make sure that that in
person chemistry is as strong as what you're feeling digitally.
And so the ways to pace yourself is, you know, don't text all day
every single day. If you're going to talk at night, you
know, try to like limit it at 30 minutes, an hour, hour and a
half, I blew past all of those gloves. I'm not going to lie to
you. I talked many, many hours on the phone with my husband.
And so he'd be like, Renee, we broke all your rules. We did.
But we got married. Here's what here's what I did, though. We
did have long conversations, but we didn't overshare. We really
kept them in the day to day. And so I know there's some things
you made the comment that you that you also said something
like, I know there's some things we can't talk about yet. You
guys like you don't want to always go like, Oh my gosh, I
can't talk about that yet. Here's what you could say.
Something as simple as you know, I had a really complicated
relationship with my father, and I'm sure it impacted the way I
dated for a very long time, until I did some work on it.
There's plenty of time for me to tell you more. Like that's a way
of like putting a comment out there. It doesn't sound broken.
I don't sound like a victim. I don't sound trauma, or you know
I'm saying like, so there's ways when you're talking about
things for you to drop little hints to stuff like you know
what, you know, I'm not super close with my siblings. You
know, it just was really tough growing up. But you know, I
really learned it. Whatever. I'm not saying that that's true for
me. But I'm saying whatever it is, it's okay to like, sometimes
I think we make it weird when we're like, Oh my gosh, I can't
talk about that yet. So like, I think it's okay that you said,
you know, I have five kids. Yeah, I'd be willing to have
more kids. Now, is that a conversation you would typically
have in the first week with somebody? No. But if it
naturally comes up, and having biological children is something
that's important to him. He might want to know that because
he might be
he had it in his bio, like, yeah. So when he said he's like,
mother, he's like, I'm at the point where I would love another
child, but I don't know if it's gonna happen. So women with
children, blended families, I am absolutely welcome, welcoming to
that. And I was just like, Oh, so immediately, I was interested
because it brought down my that fear that I have a rejection of
a man with a man wanting a woman with children.
So you've got more coaching than him. Here's how you can say you
guys, I actually did. I was lame. But I also was running a
nonprofit when I started working. I mean, started the
program here. So I just, I didn't say the word dating
coach. Some people like, Oh, this is my dating coach. I did
not say that. I just said, I'm a part of a singles
discipleship community. That's what I actually said. I'm in a
singles discipleship community. And I really want to learn how
to date healthy and being in healthy relationships. I might
have said phrases like that. So then I would be able to say to
folks, here's what I've
learned in my singles community, as we talk about dating healthy today, especially with
the internet and apps, it really does work better if we could do video dates as quickly
as possible, in-person dates as quickly as possible, and limit how much texting that
we're doing, just so that we don't lose conversation or kind of start to overshare, which can happen
in texting.
So it's okay for you to quote-unquote teach kind of what the pace could be.
Here's what we've learned is healthy.
Here's what we've learned is most successful.
Like, hey, I'm really vibing with you, and what I've learned in my community is it's
really better for us to meet sooner than later, just so we can make sure that this translates
in person.
Yeah.
We've done it from a couple of phone calls, and I like his voice.
He likes mine.
Have you done video calls yet?
I left him a video message, and he was like, I was not expecting that.
It was not on my bingo card.
Okay.
You need to get a video date with him.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
And just, and how you can say it is, hey, you know what?
What's his name?
Oh, Chris.
Okay.
I know some of you guys only put initials in the Facebook feed.
I don't know what that is all about, but whatever.
It seems so weird to me.
Okay.
So Chris, hey, Chris, you know what?
We've had such fun conversations.
I would love to move it over to FaceTime or video chat.
I'm just a visual person, and I find that it's so much easier for me to get to know
people when I can see them and see their body language.
Okay.
And so that's a good way, because then you'll start to pick up on mannerisms, and again,
if you're having good phone chemistry, you just want to make sure it's not fantasy phone
chemistry.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah.
And it's been good.
I've learned, because of this, I think we've been able to pace it in a sense of, so that's
why I'm saying I really honestly would think it'd be great if we could, I'd rather meet
him in person than have a phone.
Yeah.
But just because it's an hour and a half, you might be able to pop on a video call tomorrow,
but you might not be able to see him in person until this weekend.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes.
I know what you're saying.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Well, I'm excited for you.
I'm excited for you.
Keep us posted.
Will do.
Keep us posted.
Okay.
Any more questions?
I also have the Hubsters right over there.
So if you guys have any questions that you want to get a man's opinion on, Brian is also
a professor.
So he's a really good communicator and he's not laughing at me because I just embarrassed
him.
So if you want to ask a dude question, I'll be happy to grab him, especially since there's
guys on the call.
So dudes, if you want to ask another dude a question and you don't want Renee's answer,
let me know.
Lynn, what you got?
Hey, everybody.
Hi, Renee.
Hi.
So I've been seeing Terry.
We started seeing each other the first week in March.
So my experience is kind of like Helen's, so that's why I can relate with her.
He's older, very intentional from the first time we met.
He's like, I'm off Facebook dating, I'm all in.
But I was trying to really follow, like you had said earlier, you don't have to follow
everything to a T and I was doing that.
So I think it was frustrating him a little bit because he's like, come on, let's just
like.
So finally, I said, OK, we can be exclusive.
He's like, I've only been waiting for two months.
So you know, we're at that point, I let him come to church with me and he really loved
that.
So it's just been really fun.
He's a little concerned because I'm in Florida.
I bought the house in Florida.
Jackie said if it's not happening, move.
So I moved to Florida, but I am going to be going back to Boston for the summer.
Oh, my gosh.
You have a Boston accent.
I'm from Connecticut.
So I know that.
He's from Connecticut.
Terry's from Connecticut.
Oh, my gosh.
So wait.
So where does he live right now?
He's in Florida.
He's been here for probably 15 years.
Oh, OK.
So is he worried that you're moving back to Boston?
Well, he's concerned that I'm going to be gone for three months.
You know what I mean?
Why are you going to be gone?
Are you like a snowbird or something?
Yeah, I am a snowbird, but I'm more like nine months out of the year because I'm not going
back until it's warm.
And it's usually not warm until June.
OK, well, so you're about to go back to Boston?
I just booked my train ticket with my car for July 3rd.
I extended a little bit.
OK, so I'm just curious.
So do you own a place?
You own a place in Florida.
Do you rent it out or is it just free will?
No, I'll just I'll just close it up for three months and just go back to Boston.
So I own a I own a retail store in Boston.
My son lives there.
He's.
Like running everything so I can be here
But I do need to give him a little bit of a reprieve because it's just it's it's a retail store
And he's by them by himself. Yeah, so would you be willing for him to come visit you in Boston?
And yes, so that's what we were doing tonight. He said, you know, I'm really stressing out about you leaving
So we he got on his phone and started he's like can we just kind of look at this and plan a trip?
So he did so I said, you know what? How about we try to see each other once a month?
So I'm wondering if you can give that's perfect creative ideas. That's perfect
I would definitely if I were him, I would want to see you at least once a month, too
Yeah, like he's totally all in
And I'm trying to pace and go slow. But is he is he well, I mean, here's the thing you guys
You know
Like we want you guys to pace yourself so you don't get ahead of yourself
But sometimes the Lord will accelerate a relationship
Especially when you're older like and we're older right? And so I'm not changing that much and so, you know Brian and I
Got married within eight months
Which y'all I made fun of people who did that. I swore that was not gonna be me
I used to and I remember Jen Red River. She used to say Renee, you know, you're gonna meet your man
It's gonna happen really fast. I'm like, oh my gosh. No, it's not so
don't be surprised if it gets accelerated to if you get yeses from all your family and friends and everyone is just like
Oh my gosh, you guys are perfect for each other. Don't feel like because we're asking you guys to be mindful that you
Thwart God's plan to do you know what I'm saying? Trust me trust your gut
So make sure he comes to see you. So are you trying to have creative dates for him?
They're not like I'm just trying to ease his
Mind about the summer and trying to come up with creative things just to you know, help him feel better
I mean like little things like
Here's what's gonna make him the most comfortable when you he comes to Boston is he needs to immerse into your life there
He needs to see the places that are important to you
So like one day you take a scavenger hunt and you literally go visit all the places that are meaningful to you
But he really needs to meet your people
Like he wants to see what you are like in front of your family and your friends and at your job
So you don't have to have an extravagant kind of dating pattern with him
He just needs to see what is Lynn like in Boston?
Is she vibe differently than she does in Florida like I know when I'm around my Italian family
I'm sure my like Italian Yankee accent comes out a little bit more. I'm sure I start talking faster
But I'm still me and he's just gonna make sure are you still you and is there room for him there?
That's what he's looking for. That's what's gonna ease his mind is that there's room for him there with you
Because if you guys got together and you still keep your retail place then you're gonna want to snowbird
Your version of it even married and he's hopefully gonna want to do some of that with you
So he he wants to make sure it feels like home for him, too
So my son came for Mother's Day
He closed the shop and came down for the weekend for Mother's Day
And we were planning on like having breakfast with the three of us and he said to me
You know what Lynn he goes I've met a lot of your friends and that's okay
But I think it might be a little too soon for family right now
And I found out why he said that tonight because he said I want when I meet your son
I want to be able to tell him how I feel about you and let him I want to put him at ease
that how much I care about you and you know all that stuff and I just feel like I
Want to do that when I meet him
so
Yeah, I mean I would argue that in your first in his first visit
I would let him know that in the first visit there meeting him is probably a priority
Okay, and I don't think he needs to have a grand speech. I actually don't
Here's the difference. There's the grand speech. I want to marry her and
There's the hey, let's just pretend is your son's name is Scott. Hey Scott
I just want you to know that I'm dating your your mom intentionally with purpose
Like I'm not just doing this for fun
But I really have enjoyed getting to know her and I'm really excited to see where this is gonna go
And I just want you to know I will guard her heart
That's all that's the kind of stuff that is fun or a daughter is gonna be looking for I guess it mean most
Siblings most children don't want to hear in the very first conversation after meeting somebody. Oh my gosh. I love your mother so much
I'm gonna marry her and I'm gonna put a ring on it like that's
too much, right? Right? Like your, your son is going to want to hear that he likes you,
that he's enjoying you, that he's being intentional with you and he's going to guard your heart.
That's all he needs to hear on the first visit. And I think, I think your guy can do that.
Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's super amazing with communication and all.
Can I just ask you a quickie question? Yeah.
Um, this, I don't, I don't know how to word this, but politically that's my only concern.
Um, we haven't really gotten into politics at all, but I'm not sure that we're on the same
page. Is that something to be concerned about? It really depends on how important it is to you
guys. So I, you know, even like for me, I personally did not put somebody who was a die
hard in either convert in either direction. Well, I predominantly vote over this way because I'm
pretty conservative. I'm also not on the crazy train on either side. That's where I am. So my
preference is to be with somebody who is open in that conversation. That's kind of where Brian is.
So are you getting any perception that he is cemented in one camp or the other?
Well, I, I feel like, like you just said, there are extremes on both sides. I'm in the middle
and I feel like he is too. Um, but sometimes he has said a couple of things and I'm like,
you know, and I just, I think it's okay. Then I would just nip it in the bud because
normally I would not normally Jackie and I've talked about this. Normally we would not in
different times, we would have said politics is not a deal breaker, but the way the climate has
gotten today, it can be. So I think it's a fair conversation to say, Hey, I just wanted you to
know, like, I know politics can get really dicey and just as this is where I tend to lean. And
if you lean and vote differently than me, I'm okay with that. But is it okay with you? If you
and I aren't always voting for the same candidate and our policies can like this still be a safe
place for us? I think it's a fair and appropriate conversation to have. I think it's a fair
conversation. Again, I normally wouldn't think it's a big deal, but it has become a big deal.
And yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Yeah, I know. And I can't, we can't wait to hear all about it. And somebody in the chat gave you
some good ideas of how to date fun while you're away in Boston.
Awesome. Thank you.
Yeah. Like you can actually play board games and stuff on FaceTime. Like there's,
you don't just have to talk, but you can actually do fun dates. You can cook a meal together.
You can take each other on a walk together. So like you can even do a FaceTime date where
you're walking around the town so that by the time he comes to see you, he's already seen some
of the town. So be creative, be creative. There's some fun ways to date. You bet. Okay. Anybody else?
I mean, and here's the thing, you guys, some, let's not rag on people if they're
too political. Cause there are some people, we need people in politics, right? Like
we need healthy, responsible people running for public office, especially in our local communities.
So like, if we just lead it to all the crazy people, then we have crazy candidates. And so,
we just had a new county mayor and we just had two strong believers run against each other. And
it was like a 55, 45 vote. So it was pretty, it was not super close, but close that,
it kind of divided the line a little bit. And so it's okay to feel passionate for your community
and want to be involved in your local community. So there are actually people that start out in
politics because they actually care. What are some good clarity questions for the second month
of dating Elizabeth? Okay. So in the first month, you're just, in my opinion, in the first month,
you're just learning a lot of facts about them. I think it's okay in the second month in clarity
to find out what they think and believe about stuff, where their value system is.
You know, what do they think about marriage in general? And what does that dynamic look like?
What do they think about finances? What do they think about tithing? What are some of their
short and long-term goals that they might have in the next two years? You know, what do they...
they think makes a healthy marriage?
What have they learned about their past relationships?
Because remember, a lot of times you guys find out way too early, like, oh my gosh,
my wife cheated on me.
My husband cheated on me or whatever.
And I get it.
Sometimes people just blurt that information out, but we don't need the details of their
marriage or divorce or even their breakups, but we do need to see what patterns they've
noticed about themselves.
Because the number one thing that you want in your spouse is that they're teachable.
You want them to be believers, but you want them to be teachable.
And the first sign of knowing that they're not teachable is when you ask them questions
like, so what have you learned most about your mistakes?
What have you learned most about your failures?
What have you learned most that you would never do again?
What did you learn most about growing up watching your parents or in your own divorce?
And if they can't tell you things that they learned that they need to do different, then
I would start to question if everything is somebody else's fault and they're the victim
in every scenario in their story, I would be concerned that they don't have a teachable
spirit if they can't self-reflect.
It says it makes, oh my gosh, Dan about the pizza.
I got distracted by that question because Dan lives in Connecticut and you all.
Oh my gosh.
We're going out for pizza this summer.
I promise you, you're going to take me some piece of pizza joints, okay.
You are so funny.
Okay.
So that's, so those, so those are the kinds of clarity questions I would ask.
I would be asking things that let me know what they've learned, how they've grown.
How do you handle conflict?
How do you handle disagreements with somebody?
How do you want to handle disagreements with somebody?
How do you let the person know that you care about when you're having a hard day, when
you're stressed, when you're tired, when you don't want to talk?
How will I know when you're mad?
How will I know when you're sad?
Those are the kinds of questions I'm starting to ask in that clarity conversation.
What would your best friend say about you?
What, what, you know, things do you wish more people knew about you?
I'm looking for a lot more self-reflection at that point.
I'm definitely looking to find out, well, you know, how do you feel about marriage?
Are you excited to get married or married again is, you know, do you feel like you've
worked through everything that you've needed to work through?
Do your friends support you getting married?
Do you have couples that are close to you?
Who's in your community that you want me to meet?
So those are the kinds of questions I would start to ask.
Does that help you guys?
Oh, Pauline, yes.
If you have a question, please ask it.
I'm currently in a relationship with someone who seems to lean more dismissive, avoidant.
We have had frequent conflicts lately and seems to look at the conflicts differently.
He's currently stressed with work and he seems, Pauline, can you come live if you,
even if you're off camera, can you come on so I can talk that out with you a little bit
more?
Are you there, Pauline?
Can you hear me?
Because it's hard for me to, let's see, can I ask, I am currently in a relationship with
someone who seems to lean more dismissive, avoidant.
We've had frequent falling cause seems to look at the conflicts differently.
All right.
So sometimes when people are an avoidant personality, they don't like confrontation.
I highly recommend if you guys have a hard time, and if this is true for anybody who's
either dealing with somebody who's an avoidant or you are an avoidant and you don't like
conflict, I would encourage you to go back to the, it's somewhere in your paths.
It's the phase two boundaries teaching that I do.
I specifically talk about how to handle arguments and disagreements and conflict resolution.
And that's particularly important when you're dealing with somebody who is avoidant personality.
They're going to need you.
And so one of the biggest things I always say in confrontation, the phrase I always
say to folks is slower, lower, softer, SLS.
So memorize that, SLS, slower, lower, softer.
When you have to have a conversation with somebody that seems like it's going to be
confrontational, you want to come in slower, you want to lower your voice, and you want
to soften your voice.
Because coming in slower and lower and softer is going to bring the energy down in the room
and it's going to make somebody...
be less defensive. And if they come at you with a lot of energy, you're going to take
a big in-breath. And then you're going to respond. You're not going to react. So you
just see how you can just take all that energy down. So that's how you want to work with
somebody who's an avoidant. You want to soften the air in the room. You want them to feel
safe to kind of walk back to the center and walk back towards you. And so I don't know,
but Pauline, if you're hearing me, if you need to ask a more specific question, I'd
be happy to walk you through that. But in general, that's how I like to walk through
conflict, especially with people who are avoidant of conflict. What are some good questions
to get to know somebody even better in a level three long distance relationship? Melanie,
so I'm curious how often you are getting to see each other. So in that level three long
distance, I would definitely say, unless it's a plane ride away, hopefully you guys are
seeing each other at least twice. I mean, if you guys are less than five hours apart
and you're a level three, you should be seeing each other at least twice a month. You need
to have that in-person time. So that would be my thing. If it's a plane ticket away,
you need to be seeing each other at least once a month. And to somebody else's point,
I actually don't think you should just be having in-depth conversations with them. I
do think you need to be doing things that look like real life dating. So I do think
it's things like you guys walking down a park together. It is cooking a meal together. It's
playing games together. It's starting to do things that look more like day-to-day life.
But again, those kinds of questions, because here's the problem with just asking a bunch
of questions when it's long distance. All you're getting is their verbal answer. You're
not getting to see them actually do that answer. So anybody can say all the right stuff, right?
If they're well-versed enough and they've done just enough therapy to be dangerous,
they can tell you everything that you think you want to hear and they can learn your patterns
and what you want to hear, but you actually need to see it work out. So if you are level
three, more than anything, you need that in-person time.
What does Jackie always think about tithing? I remember one time she said we should give
out of joy, which was different from a standard 10%, I usually hear. Well, I just came out
of seminary, y'all, and I promise you, they gave more than 10% back in the old days. So
10% is like bare minimum. The way they talked about tithing back then, it was like closer
to 40 to 50%. And so, I mean, I think we could give a lot of sermons on tithing. I think
that it's about the first fruits. If you actually really want to look at Old Testament
time and where it all came from, it was like, you gave the first cow, you gave the first
crop, you gave the Lord the first fruit. So I know for me, more than worrying about it
being 10%, once I started giving online, it came to me like it was my first fruit. That
was the bill I was paying first, was my tithe to the church. And that's a number that Brian
and I have continued to increase, especially as we've paid off some school and we just
paid off my car. So we want to make sure that we are tithing and that we are being generous
to the Lord. And so we want to have a generous spirit. We want to be fiscally responsible.
But I do pay attention to the fact, I personally am like, am I saving 10% a month? Am I investing
10% a month to my retirement? And am I willing to tithe 10%? So can I live on 70%? And 10%
for somebody at a $50,000 a year for raising five kids, it's going to feel differently
than somebody at 10% making a million dollars. So I don't know that we should be married
to the percent as much as the spirit of giving and that spirit of generosity. I can tell
you I've been around enough wealthy people to say that you can't outgive God. Some of
the most generous people I've seen, they give and God just blesses them with more because
they just want to keep giving and the Lord keeps blessing them. And it kind of reminds
me of the parable of the person that got the most flack was a person that just hoarded
their money and didn't do anything with it. So we want to be cheerful givers, but we don't
want to use that phrase to get out of tithing because I also think sometimes tithing is
stretching and it should hurt a little bit. So I would say if whatever you give to the
church doesn't squeeze you just a little bit, maybe it's not such a sacrifice. And so maybe
some seasons the Lord's asking you to sacrifice a little bit more.
Does anyone else experience men only wanting to date, marry in their race or they don't
like tattoos? I mean, I think that you guys are going to see that. You're going to see
all kinds of people only want to date in their race. People only want to date in their socioeconomic
status. People only want to date white collar versus blue collar. Somebody with tattoos
not having tattoos, somebody who swears doesn't swear, somebody who drinks doesn't drink.
And so I think that you're going to find people that have their set preferences. But we talked
about this in my dating coaching call, what, like a month ago, we talked about your God
given deal breakers versus your preferences, but some people make their preferences deal
breakers. And so you just never know. Okay. Awesome. Pauline. And Pauline, I'll be on
the lookout for your post there since I know what you're putting there too. But Bethany,
if you put it in the phase three, Bethany will speak into it. You mean it will speak
into it and you'll get lots of really good feedback there too.
The value of accepting conflict when necessary. I've had a lot of jobs recently where the
boss wouldn't deal with problems because, oh yeah, man, I love confrontation. You guys,
confrontation doesn't mean yelling and screaming. Confrontation literally means showing up with
your full front. It means being authentic and honest and vulnerable straight to somebody's
face. So, and I promise you a good marriage is a marriage that knows how to have healthy
conflict. Because if you never have conflict in a marriage or conflict in a relationship
with your boss, it means you're not having a real relationship. Like that's how we grow.
That's how iron sharpens iron is in that conflict a little bit. Let's see. How long should you
continue the exploratory? It says when you have a feeling it's not right long-term. Ooh,
that's a good question. Okay. So Jackie always says the phrase, it's a yes until it's a no.
And sometimes you know that after one phone call, sometimes you know that after one date,
sometimes you know that after three dates. Jackie's always encouraged us to give everybody
two or three chances, unless you have a complete aversion. If you want to pluck your eyeballs out
in a date, we don't want you to book that second date. I mean, nobody's asking you to do that. But
if you had a reasonably decent time and you had a good time and you're like, maybe he talked too
much. Maybe she didn't wear what I liked. Maybe I didn't have that chemistry, but I really enjoyed
them. And I think I want to give them another chance. That's what we mean by it's a yes until
it's a no. But if you realize that somebody is a good person, but not your person, and you don't
see it changing and you don't get excited when they call and you don't want to have that next
date, then what you just need to say is I've really enjoyed getting to know you. I just don't
really feel like I want to pursue this any further. However, you are incredible. And I'm a part of
this community. I would love for you to join because there are some amazing other men or women
in that community. And your part, like maybe me meeting you was only to help you find your person.
And so I think that, you know, we definitely don't want to drag it out. You definitely don't want to
go to an exclusive relationship. And I learned this the hard way. And, you know, like I went
into an exclusive relationship. I even got as far as like Simbis with somebody. And I was like,
I'm not really that attracted to him. And Jackie's like, what the heck are you doing in Simbis? And
I'm like, you were like, it's a yes until it's a no. She goes, no, it was a no. It was a no.
And so like, I will say this, like, don't go exclusive with somebody unless you're all in.
Like you want to be all in because otherwise that's just misleading. So you can continue to like
date them while you're figuring it out. But don't go exclusive unless you find them attractive.
And you really think this could be the person that you may not know for sure,
but if it's a no, then, you know, let them go. But in general, I mean, I don't know about y'all,
but like, and I will say that person that I dated, you know, he was really nice and
he was really pleasant. And on paper, a lot of the things like check the box.
Um, so, I mean, I don't regret that. I learned a lot in that process. And so you just learn,
but you don't want to, especially if someone's coming in, like they're like all in, you can
tell they're in love with you and you're like way down here. Y'all, you might need to nip that,
but unless you have a crazy good amount of time with them, like if you're having a crazy good time.
then something is telling you to stay in it.
But hopefully that answered your question.
All right, oh my gosh, 3824, look at that.
I didn't think we'd last this long.
Look how long we all lasted tonight.
You guys were so much fun tonight.
I promise, I'm sorry you got me and not Jackie,
because Jackie's amazing, but you will get Jackie.
So if you guys came on late,
Jackie lost her water in her home,
and somebody was coming out,
and she was having a lot of back and leg issues.
So we pray for her at the front.
And so just keep her in your prayers.
And we just want complete healing for Jackie.
I got to be around her and David and Reagan this weekend.
We were at Stacey McVane's wedding.
It was so much fun.
And Jackie was getting a lot of business,
because everyone's like, oh, Jackie's the dating coach.
So it was so fun to be with her and be around them
and kind of get re-excited for you guys.
Y'all are so sweet.
I love y'all too.
I feel so passionate about every one of you getting married.
That's how much I believe in this program
and in this community.
Like some people get married in this community
and peace out, and they pretend
like they were never part of this community.
I am bold, and I have no problem letting people know
that this community needs to exist in every church,
in every state around the country,
because we all need our heart healing,
and we need to have kingdom marriages.
And I'm glad that they have picked it up.
And whatever I can do to help you,
and I'm officiating two weddings this year too,
so I'm super excited about that.
So we care about you.
We really, really do.
And we pray for you all the time.
So if you do not have any hope tonight,
look, I purposely broke, I drank out of my hope mug,
because I want you guys to borrow my hope
if you have no hope tonight.
All right, I love you guys,
and I'm gonna be praying for you tonight.
Have a great night, and we'll talk to you soon.
Thanks, Renee.