All right. Welcome, ladies. This is, oh my goodness, it's May 26. It's Tuesday. It's
one o'clock Eastern. This is phase two, Love Story Accelerator. This is your live check-in.
We have two of those every Tuesday, one at one o'clock, which is now, and then the other
one is eight o'clock Eastern, which is typically hosted by Ebony. So, yeah, it's good to see
you. Do I have any new ladies with us today? I don't think I see anybody brand new. Oh,
Rebecca, you're new. Hi. Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Good, good to see you. So,
yes, so I'll just do a quick intro for anybody that's watching that might not like this is
your first time. I am Carla Johnson. I'm one of your coaches here at Last Year Single.
I'm a success story from Jackie's program, came to her in the start of 2020. It's kind
of the very beginning and stayed single for a couple of years, you know, did the roller
coaster a little bit. I was pretty stubborn. Okay. That's, that's definitely me. So if
that's you, I know Sarah Shell knows, like she knows me, not stubborn at all. She doesn't
have me figure it out at all. So, yes, I was stubborn. So if you're stubborn to don't worry,
I got you. All right. We'll bond very well. But yeah, so I am a success story. I've been now
married. Let's see this year, September will be three years. And so I've been coaching now in
this program for a little over two. So I did have a little time in between after we got married
where I wasn't heavily involved in the community, but I never really left. Okay, so yes, perseverance
for sure. So it's always an honor to be here with you all and to pour back into you all what was
poured into me. I am just a, um, an advocate firm believer. Like I just, I have testimony myself,
having walked through this program and just have seen God show up, not just in my love story,
but in so many other love stories. Like you hear Jackie talk about like 1600 plus love stories.
Like she's not joking. Like I've been in this community for over five years and there have
been so many stories. Okay. So, um, I've got to see it on the side of just being the single person,
celebrating those women as a single. And I'll admit at times there were some, you know,
offenses, you know, I would be a little, little, you know, offended, like, why is it happening for
them and not me? Okay. So I've been in that category and then obviously my own, and then
also getting to see on the other side as a coach and seeing women that I've coached, um, step into
their love stories as well. It's been absolutely incredible. So it's always an honor and blessing
for me to do that. So before we get started, I'm going to go ahead and just touch on a couple
housekeeping things, pray for us, and then we'll get started on our teaching. Um, today I was,
I was praying a little bit last night. I had a one-on-one call yesterday that went really,
really well, um, was really insightful. And, um, honestly, I felt like this person is experiencing
a lot of the same challenges that so many of the ladies in phase two face. And so after kind of
coaching with her yesterday and spending some time in prayer last night and this morning, um, I just
really felt led to kind of spend a little extra time on kind of teaching a little bit more on
those levels of dating, especially like discovery dating versus exclusivity. So that level two and
level three relationships and how we may be showing up, um, in a level two relationship
in this space that maybe we need to be operating if we were in a level three. Okay. So I really
think it's going to be a good teaching today. I think I really pray that y'all get, you know,
some good helpful insight, help clear up any confusion, um, you know, just get some wisdom
on that. So, um, that will be the goal for today. And then we'll take your questions. Um, good
morning, Laura. So good to see you.
Yes, Kelly, yep.
Seeing people get married and then you still see that yourself is single.
I get that.
So I was in this community for two years and I was like, I'm always showing up.
I probably even said that to Jackie, like, well, I'm showing up, like I'm on every single
one of your calls and I'm engaged and I'm, you know, participating in the community.
Why isn't it not happening for me?
You know, and that was just my, my stubbornness coming out, you know, to be perfectly honest.
So, um, and I can't say that I'm completely over that, you know, personality, but you
know, I'm learning.
Okay.
That's, that's the whole point is that we are growing, we're learning and, and God's
got us.
So, all right, let's go ahead and, uh, go over some housekeeping.
So Jackie's modern day dating sucks, book is out.
Yes.
And that starts tonight, that book club.
Okay.
So I'm really excited because I know a handful of you ladies have definitely signed up for
that.
And so I am so excited to see what that's going to look like.
I even have a woman from my church, um, she's in that book club.
And so I'm super excited cause I am not in that book club because I'm not single.
So I'm like, but I want to be in there, you know?
But I, I, I do have the book on order and I plan on reading it, um, because I just find
there's so much wisdom that Jackie has with the whole, um, aiding, you know, and obviously,
you know, being a coach for this community, I want to absorb anything and everything.
So, um, make sure that if you did sign up that you're checking your emails, okay.
The information should be being sent to the email that you registered the book club for
make sure you're checking spam.
Okay.
Because we're not like, I don't have all the details and all the information.
So if you ask questions in our phase two app, I may not be able to get to answer those questions
to you as quickly.
And your best bet is going to be going through your emails, like combing through that first.
Okay.
So make sure you give that email a second read.
Okay.
Um, so that does start tonight at seven o'clock Eastern, no, sorry, eight o'clock Eastern.
So it's around the same, it's the same time on Tuesdays as our evening calls, um, recorded.
So Ebony's evening call and the book club calls are both recorded, I believe.
Okay.
So, um, don't feel like you're going to be missing out and you can't be at two places
at once.
Okay.
Like those calls are recorded.
You can always jump in at the one o'clock if you can make it here with me for five weeks
while you do the book club in the evenings.
Okay.
Um, so yeah, definitely check those spam folders for all of that.
Um, again, I just want to remind you ladies, like our goal is going to be to take as many
questions as possible, um, on these live sessions on these, these check-ins.
Um, so my best advice is going to be that when I open it up for questions that you come
prepared with your question in like one or two sentences, this will help us kind of get
as many possible questions in as possible.
Obviously some questions are a little more meatier than others.
Some require a little bit more detail than others.
Some may be from, you know, women that have been consistent with showing up and I might
have a lot more background because they're showing up in the app.
They, they've been on the calls and we've discussed a lot more.
There may be some of those questions that are just really good questions that come up,
you know, you yourself, but so many other women in the program that I'm going to maybe
spend a little extra time teaching from because everyone is going to be able to gain wisdom
from your question.
So, um, like I said, best advice is to come prepared with your question in one or two
sentences and we will do our best on this call to fit in as many as possible.
It's also really helpful to post in the app.
If you do have one of those questions that do require a little bit more, um, detail.
Okay.
So if you're able to even post in there, whether it's, you know, Monday night or Tuesday
morning or sometime during the week and you're like, Hey, here's my question.
You might not be able to answer it, everything in the app.
But.
but maybe it's something that we can talk about
on Tuesday live call.
Like we can always fit that in
because sometimes I can take some of these good questions
and build that into the content that we teach from.
Especially when I noticed like a pattern
when many women are experiencing the same question
or it's like, oh, I'm in the same situation.
What do I do here?
You know, this is coming up.
Like that is one thing I noticed when I was in the community
is it was often like what was happening for one woman
that was being highlighted,
like an area of healing was also being highlighted
in other women as well.
And if we all stayed quiet,
we would have never been able to grow
and lean in on one another.
And so when we spoke up, we realized,
oh my gosh, I'm not doing this alone.
I'm experiencing something similar.
It might not be the same thing, but it can be similar.
Okay, so that's just a little bit of helpful information.
Now, again, I think we do share this most weeks
is that we do offer one-on-one coaching sessions.
That's 50 minutes.
Those are an additional charge
that's under your resource tab.
So if you feel like I need a little more,
you know, personal, like one-on-one like help,
we have that available.
So there are several of us coaches
that have, you know, open schedules
and you can check that out.
And that is always a possibility.
But I wanna encourage that if that's not something
that you feel like you're able to do,
I don't want that to discourage you in thinking,
well, if I can't do a one-on-one,
then my love story's just not gonna come
as fast as other people's.
Because that's just not true, okay?
So I want to make sure that I share that, okay?
That it doesn't, like God's got your story
and it's your journey, all right?
How you decide to show up and what you're capable,
God already knows.
So if one-on-one coaching is for you, great.
God's gonna utilize that resource for you.
If one-on-one coaching isn't for you, that's okay.
God's got you.
God's gonna utilize what you are,
what you have the capacity for, okay?
He's not leaving anybody out, all right?
Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and pray
and then we'll go ahead and get started.
So Heavenly Father, I just thank you.
I thank you for this time together.
Lord, I thank you that you just open the schedule up
to have each and every one of these ladies come here today.
Lord, I thank you for the desire that you've placed
in all of their hearts for love and connection
and growth and healthy relationships.
Lord, I invite you in this conversation.
Lord, I ask that you quiet any fear, pressure,
comparison, disappointment, any overthinking,
any anxiety, just help us to slow down enough
to hear truth over emotion and wisdom over urgency.
You know, Lord, as we talk about pacing
and the levels of relationship today,
you know, I just ask that you just continue
to help us lean in and trust that you will reveal
what we need over time.
You know, teach us how to stay open
without feeling that we have to be rushed,
how we can discern without needing to shut down
and how clarity can unfold
instead of just trying to force certainty
or, you know, that we have to have this knowing
in order to feel like things are clear.
Lord, I ask that you help us recognize
what needs to be healed, what's being revealed.
You know, teach us, show us, heal us, grow us
in this process of dating and preparing
for the love story that you have for us.
Lord, I ask that you just allow this space today
to be a place of encouragement, of wisdom,
of honesty, of growth, of care and love and consideration.
Lord, we just give this time to you, in Jesus name. Amen.
All right, do I have any other new ladies on? I see a couple
ladies I haven't seen in a while. So it's good to see you
here. So yes, as I said earlier, we're going to talk a little bit
about those levels of dating. All right. So if you've checked
out dating 101, Jackie's teaching on that. So you
probably have a little bit of a, an idea of what that is. If you
haven't, don't worry, especially if you're brand new, you might
not have gotten to that video yet. It's totally cool. All
right. But that teaching is available to you in your
teaching content, your course content. And then there are some
slides there. And so that is always a great point of
reference if you ever have questions. And so today, I'm
going to really focus on am I treating level two like a level
three? Okay, some of you ladies have now started jumping into
dating. Okay, and that's exciting. It's nerve wracking. I
get it. Especially after heartwork. We're like, whoa,
this feels different. All right, you know, for me, it took me a
solid year before I started dating. After heartwork. That
was all God's pacing and time, you know, I might have held,
held off a little longer, because again, I'm a little
stubborn. And I was probably, you know, holding on to a little
bit more fear than I'd like to admit. But at the same time, God
met me in that space. And he also knew that I needed to feel
confident in my identity and him. And so that time was not
wasted. It just because I didn't date in that first year
didn't mean like, I blow down my love story. Okay. In fact, once,
once I got out of my own way, there was definitely
exhilaration on my love story. Once I kind of let go of some
things that I was stubbornly holding on to, like, there was
an exhilaration there. But I want to just again, I'm going to
quickly go over those five levels of relationships,
especially for those ladies who might not have seen that
content yet, but we're going to specifically focus on level two
and level three. So level one is that initial meeting, it's that
you find that you might be attracted to someone something
about that person is like, I might be interested. Okay, that
can be in community, whatever. It's just you're meeting
someone, whether it's, you know, in community, through a
friend of a friend, through church, through an online
dating site. It's just there's going to be a curiosity that's
going to strike it. So it might be reading someone's profile, or
them reaching out to you. And you look at it, and you're like,
hey, they look kind of cute, or, you know, they don't, I'm not
fully physically attracted, but I like some of the things that
they said in their profile. So let's see where the you know,
I'm interested in getting to know them. So there may or may
not be attraction present. Fun fact, I was not fully attracted
to my husband physically, when I saw photos of him. Okay, I did
not meet him online dating, but I met him through online. He was
in a Christian Facebook singles community that I was not even a
part of. But many women in this in Jackie's community also was a
part of but I wasn't. And so some of the women had eyes in
there. And we're like, Hey, about this guy, Carla, I had, I
mean, some of my girlfriends would would see that they
thought that they lived in, he thought that they lived in
Florida, they sent him my way, because, you know, I was one of
the few girls at the time that lived in Florida. And now we
have lots of ladies in Florida. But at the time, at the very
beginning, like, I feel like I was one of the very few lived in
that area. And I was in my, you know, late 30s. And, and if
you've ever been to Florida, I lived in Sarasota, and it's a
heavily populated retirement community. Okay. It's, it's,
it's got, you know, it's just let me just say, like, you have
to have like, it's where you go to retire. All right. And I just
was like, I love the weather. And I wanted to be there. And I
couldn't actually always afford it. Because it is pricey down
there. So I understand why you see more people who are retired
who are more well established financially being able to go
down there. I was a single mom. I don't know how I mean, by the
grace of God, I was able to make ends meet. So
Um, I have all sorts of ladies always saying, Oh, Hey, what do you think about this guy?
Well, one of the girls reached out to this guy and was like, Hey, you need to meet my
friend Carla.
And so she sent me his like profile and his pictures.
And I wasn't like, I wasn't goo goo ga ga.
Okay.
Like, Oh man, he's hot.
Like I was not like that with any of his photos.
Okay.
Did I think he was hideous?
No, but I was like, okay, physically it doesn't look like someone that I would
typically be attracted to, but I liked a handful of the things that he shared
when he talked about himself.
And so I was like, look, you can give him my information.
We'll see what he does with it.
Okay.
So attraction may or may not be there.
Okay.
You should kind of, yeah, no, it's she, she said, Sarasota sounds like where
you go get a sugar daddy.
No, don't go there to get a sugar daddy.
That's not what we're asking for.
I love your sense of humor, girl.
Love it.
Um, but yes, Chrissy, it's snowbirds.
It's transplants.
It's yes, it's exactly.
Um, so Chrissy is from Florida.
She gets it.
And yes, Sarasota Bradenton is gorgeous.
If you've ever been there, like you can understand why.
Like I figured out a way to live there because I spent
like almost 15 years there.
I, it was, it's gorgeous.
It really, really is.
Um, I still miss it.
I said, I was never going to move.
It was actually one of my deal breakers.
It was literally what I thought was a non-negotiable from heaven.
And when I had a lot of, you know, conversations with Jackie in the very
beginning, cause we were a much smaller community.
So we, we got a little extra, you know, one-on-one time with her.
And, uh, after a lot of her kind of talking me down many ledges,
I finally decided I'm like, well, God's just going to have to show up.
So I guess if I have to move, I have to move.
And I really didn't think God was going to move me.
And yeah, he did.
And so I am now a Texan.
So, um, but that's a story for another day.
Um, so that's level one.
Okay.
Level two is where the curiosity, the interest, and maybe
some infatuation might grow.
Okay.
This is what we call discovery dating.
You are going to hear that word phrase all the time in this space.
We're always going to be talking about discovery dating because
that's what y'all are getting into.
We're gently kicking you out of the nest.
Cause you remember in phase one, you didn't get to date.
We said, no, sorry.
Focus on your heartwork.
Now, some of you need a little gentle nudge.
Some of you are like that, like as soon as you, you stepped in, you were
like, where's, where's the diving board.
I'm going, I'm going all in Carla.
Um, I was not one of those girls.
Um, but discovery dating is that level two.
And so that is where you're getting to know someone it's the low stakes.
It's where you're going to gather information.
It's those beginning stages of the get to know you.
It's those, you know, several, like first few dates.
It's the first couple of weeks, months of getting to know somebody.
Okay.
You are just gathering information.
Level three is what we'll call exclusivity.
That's where there's actual intentional relationship.
And that's with the goal of moving towards long-term commitment.
Now, Jackie will share with you that, and I believe this is in the dating one-on-one
video, we encourage the men to lead this exclusive conversation.
Okay.
That does not mean all of them do.
Doesn't mean that there's, that it works perfectly, but we are going to strongly
encourage for that to happen.
You want the men taking the lead on the exclusivity.
Okay.
Then level four is like the engagement.
It's kind of like, okay, we've spent time being exclusive and now there's this
promise that we're going to be able to do this for the rest of our lives.
we are moving towards marriage. We've spent, you know, a handful of time, months,
Okay.
whatever, really getting to know each other on a deeper level to see if we are
in a deep alignment that will, will, will be, what's the word I'm looking for, will
be ideal for marriage, for a covenant. Okay. That's a bit like, that's, that's a
decision. All right. And you want to have confidence in that decision. You want to
feel peace in that decision. Okay. And you get that in that level three
exclusivity. And then once you've kind of gained that, and there's been a lot of
peace and confirmation and things are moving in that direction, then that
promise and that engagement is there. And then that's where you get to really
dive into that deeper future building preparation for what covenant marriage
will look like. We offer Simbis coaching for those couples to save your marriage
before it starts. So anyone that is in that exclusive relationship that are
talking about engagement, again, just because you get into exclusive
relationship does not mean right away, you're going to be talking about
engagement. Okay. You may hear stories in our community, how it did move
accelerated like that, but that is not everybody's story. Okay. You get to let
God take the drive, like be in the driver's seat. Okay. So again, I want to
focus on the level two and a level three, because this is where a lot of us will
experience confusion, anxiety, disappointment, emotional burnout, because
we're emotionally moving to level three while we're still in level one or two.
Okay. So level two, this is where attraction can grow, curiosity grows, and
yeah, there can be some infatuation. Okay. Sometimes there may not be. All right. It
depends on what your patterns are, like what, what things happened in your past
that might be, you know, keeping you from that, because that will be revealed.
This is simply that this is the stage for discovery. So this is not a stage that
you're deciding anything. It's not a stage for attaching. It's not for future
planning. It's not to gain certainty. Believe it or not, this is a big one.
This is the stage where you are observing. It's not, your goal is not commitment.
It is observing. You're not just observing another person. You're observing yourself
as well. How do you show up? What patterns show up in you? Okay. If you're like me,
you're going to notice all the patterns and that person, the other person you're dating,
because it's so much easier to look at them that it is us, right?
Ladies, I do that in my marriage too. It is so much easier for me to look at my husband,
be like, Oh honey, here, why don't you do this and do that and do this?
But it is a lot easier than me sitting here saying, Oh, this is what I need to work on.
Okay. So keep that in mind. All right. The goal of level two is just, it is that clarity,
but not in the sense of certainty. Okay. It's just to give you more insight. So this is where
that helpful mindset and you hear this phrase all the time. Okay. We've talked about this and
try to break this down some, it's a yes until it's a no. All right. So that means there's enough
curiosity to continue getting to know them. You have not seen any clear deal breakers exist yet.
You're gathering information and you're observing patterns over moments,
observing one thing once is not going to be like, Oh, that's how they always show up.
You want to see over time and is this a consistent behavior? Is this what shows up?
I'm curious as to why this is their response. I want to see, is this something that they really
struggle with? And
Is this compatible with me?
Is this in alignment with where I'm at in my life and where I'm going?
What's going to happen when we emotionally skip levels?
This is where many anxious and avoidant patterns are going to show up.
Sometimes, it's without us even realizing it.
All right, hear me.
Sometimes, we are not even aware of these patterns,
but over time, when we show up in the community
and then we see a consistent pattern how we're showing up in community,
that's when it gets revealed.
Okay, that's not to scare you.
That's just to say, hey, we got you.
And chances are, all of us coaches have been there.
Actually, not chances are.
I know we've all been there.
All right, so some examples of what I'm talking about
and how this is going to look like, okay?
And I want you to listen to where the level of emotion is, okay?
So an example would be, well, you know, we talk every day,
so maybe this is serious.
Now, we might have a maybe this is serious like we're excited about it
or maybe this is serious and that scares us.
You know, I stop talking to other men because, you know,
I just I really like this one.
So I'm not going to bother with anybody else.
You know, I just don't know if I even feel like it's right for me
to be getting to know a couple people at the same time.
So I'm just going to focus on this one because this is the one I like the most.
You might have this like, well, he pulled back after three dates.
I'm not sure what happened.
That was a big one for me.
Usually, it was like, he pulled back after one date.
Why didn't he get a second?
Why didn't he put a second date with me?
Like that happened frequently for me.
Oh, this is a good one.
You know, if this doesn't work out, I just, you know, I've wasted two months.
I've wasted my weekend.
You know, my time is valuable and, you know, if this just doesn't work out,
like I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste their time.
You know, I need to know, you know, I don't want to invest my time
unless I know where this is going to go.
Tiffany, I see you smiling.
Yeah.
Some of you ladies, like, look, this is not like, this is not to make you feel
like you're being called out, okay?
And Sarah Shell knows after last week where, hey, there might be some things
that I might say that might be like, oh, like you want to strangle me
through the computer.
And that's okay.
And Sarah Shell will tell you and remind you from last week, she's been there
with me before and she still loves me and she knows I love her.
Isn't that right?
All right.
This is another one.
Maybe I should stop dating because it's just, it doesn't lead to anywhere.
You know, I've been on a handful of dates, you know,
and it never leads anywhere.
So maybe I should just stop dating altogether.
That's another one.
Tiffany, I'm reading your mail.
I love it.
Girl, I'm not reading your mail.
I'm literally sharing with you all my past mail, okay?
So I want you to gently notice something here, okay?
Most of these thoughts and these questions or these, like, statements that I
shared, those are emotionally operating at a level three expectation while
you're still in a level two reality.
Do I need to repeat that?
Okay.
Those thoughts, those statements, those ideas are emotionally operating at a
level three expectation level, a level three relationship expectation level.
While in reality, you're still only in level two.
The discovery, the get to know you, the gather information stage.
Okay.
So I want to break some things down here.
That's going to be where we go a little bit into some heartwork, some anxious
and void at patterns in that discovery dating.
Okay.
This is something, you know, this has hit me because this is
definitely something that I do.
Um, I am one of those people that I know I have a gift of discernment, but if I'm
not careful, I can sit there and say that something is discernment when in
reality, it's actually just fear.
So want you to be mindful of that.
Okay.
If you have some anxious attachments and I'm going to share anxious and avoidant
attachments and ladies, I want to, I'll, I'll be transparent with you.
I operated in both.
So if that's you just know, like, look, that's, that's okay.
There's reasons and, and, you know, past things that I had to sort through as to
why I would operate in that stuff.
And those were just things that God would highlight to me and heal.
And there are still things that God highlights to me that I'm needing to heal
from and just a marriage relationship on how sometimes I can show up anxious or
avoid it.
Now, do I, do I show up more secure?
Well, yes, because I've, I've done my heartwork.
I've worked on it, but it doesn't mean that I'm perfect.
No, I still have areas that I got to work on.
My husband does too.
Okay.
So anxious attachment, this is what it's going to sound like.
I need certainty.
You know, that's going to be like, what does this mean?
What does this relationship mean?
Like, where is this going to go?
Like, what does this mean?
What does this relationship mean?
Like, where is this going?
Why hasn't he texted me?
Does he still like me?
I'm anxious.
You know, we have this temptation to rush, rush clarity to help calm our anxiety.
We'll call it discernment and say, you know, I, I just, you know, I just need to
know like where, where he stands and where this stands.
That's just, I'm discerning what, you know, where I need to invest my time.
Well, no, you're just a fearful that you're, you're not going to be chosen.
Like, what if you're not chosen?
What if this doesn't work out?
What if we might be operating in a scarcity mindset?
Okay.
I had a lot of that stuff a lot.
I just, I struggled with control.
I still do.
I felt like if I kind of had the knowing, if I knew what was going to happen, it
would call my anxiety.
So then everything was cool.
Like I got this.
Okay.
Cause I know what to expect.
Nothing's going to like shake me.
Right.
That's what I'm operating in my own strength and my own wisdom and not
trusting that even in the shaking, God's got me, we live in a world where
that's going to be shaken, that we don't know tomorrow.
But we trust that God does, he died for our sins, he's got us, our
salvation is already there.
So it's, I struggle with that, me letting go of like needing to know, but God,
just tell me, I'm not going to let you go.
I'm not going to let you go.
Like I'm one of those people in a movie that I'm like, especially if my, my
husband or if my kids have seen the movie, just tell me what happens.
Is this what happens?
Cause I have an idea of what happens.
Like, is this what happens?
Just tell me yes or no.
Like if it's yes, like then, okay.
I already figured it out.
Y'all they never tell me drives me crazy.
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, just tell me I'm going to find out.
So why keep me waiting in suspense?
I don't necessarily always like surprises.
Um, yes, just fast forward to the end of the movie.
If, if I'm the only one in the house, I most certainly will.
Don't think I won't, or I'll go straight up Google, you know, what's going to
happen, especially in all those like series, like, so that I don't sit there
and binge watch a book, you know what?
I don't want to binge watch Lord.
So it's okay.
If I just ask Google, what happens at the end of this, this series?
And yeah, I'll read the last chapter of the book.
Y'all I was always the girl that read the last.
page of the book. And I don't know about you, but I feel like I'd read the last page. And I'm like,
none of that made any sense. Because I didn't have all the other in between stuff. And I'm like,
wait, what did I miss here? Like, it's just not life. You can't just fast forward and not live
all of those middle parts. And then the ending makes sense. Like, sometimes it's those middle
parts that we do that make a lot of sense. So yeah, that's that. So we want to stay curious
while gathering information. That's the goal. Instead of being anxious, we adjust the pacing.
Instead of rushing, we want to remain curious while we just gather information. Now, avoid
an attachment. It's going to sound like, well, I need distance. This feels vulnerable. You know,
what if I get hurt? What if they hurt me? You know, maybe this isn't right. What if I choose wrong?
What if I'm not hearing God correctly? You know, this feels off. That's that avoidant. Like,
we have this temptation that we just want to shut down before we have enough information at all.
Okay. Healthy pacing is telling us we don't have to run. We can stay curious long enough
to gather information. Okay. And now I want to just touch on discovery dating is not wasting time
because this one's important because many of us will treat unknowingly level one and two.
If this doesn't become a relationship that I want, then that relationship is not going to be
then this was a waste. I want to challenge you write this down. What if you reframe it
and ask yourself or shape it as discovery is not actually wasted.
Discovery dating is not wasted.
So a date that doesn't become a relationship right away or a courtship,
does that mean it's a failure? Yeah. Teresa's saying, no, it doesn't. So what if we looked
at that and said, okay, I went on, you know, a couple of dates with this person
and it was discovery dating. I was level two. The outcome didn't turn out the way that I had hoped
or what I would have desired. What I, what, what the promise that I'm hoping for,
for God to deliver, but it nest, it doesn't turn out the way that I had hoped.
It nest, it doesn't mean that because it didn't work out that it wasn't actually a failure.
Like, what if I look at that and say, you know what, that time that I spent getting to know that
person actually gave me a little more clarity that otherwise I would have never experienced
because I couldn't experience that stuff alone by myself. So some things that you might learn
in those dates needed to happen and their purpose was simply just to learn,
not to get the outcome promise of a relationship that's going to unfold into marriage.
So you might learn, wow, I rush emotional intimacy. You might learn that because you're
sitting discovering and learning a little bit more and you recognize these patterns
or, you know, over time I'm learning that, you know, yeah, I definitely like the feeling of
chemistry, but in fact, I prefer consistency over chemistry. Someone consistently showing up
means more to me than the sparks always being there.
One thing that I recognized in my discovery dating was,
I don't ignore flags anymore. I don't ignore the yellow flags anymore.
Like, that was like a big deal for me, y'all. I would go on dates and be like,
wow, that, that's kind of a yellow flag. I don't, I don't know if I like that and I'd spend time and
and I'd spend time and be curious about it.
And I could sit there and be like, wow,
before all of this heartwork stuff,
I would have completely ignored the yellow flag
because I was more focused on the outcome than the process.
And so for me, that was always a win.
I learned that I could stay open without attaching right away.
If you have a conversation with my husband ever or Jackie,
the first three weeks of my husband and I
getting to know each other had a lot of me
just needing to be talked off the ledge.
I just was not sure I wanted to stay open.
I was just, I mean, I didn't.
I was ready to hit, go out the back.
Nope, this feels too real.
This seems a little bit vulnerable.
I don't know.
This guy seems more intentional than anybody else.
There must be something wrong with him.
I was ready to cut and run.
I was very hot and cold in the very beginning with my husband.
Like, God, I don't know why.
I mean, I still am like, why did you scrounge?
But it was when we met in person that he was just like,
I just knew there was something with you.
And I'm like, OK.
I was still pretty like, eh, dude.
So those are all things that I got to learn.
I got to learn what safe and alignment felt like.
Because I had never really experienced that before,
so it was different.
I would have never experienced any of that
had I not had the opportunity to do discovery dating
and had the opportunity for some of those discovery dates,
well, all of those but one, not work out.
Like, it's what prepared me.
I'm not sure what you're wanting me to repeat.
Like, I just discovered what safe and alignment looked like,
where before, I didn't experience that before.
Like, I had no idea what that would even feel like.
So, and I wouldn't have learned that by myself.
Sometimes God is using those datings
for revealings for healings.
And you'll hear me share that often.
And he's not doing it, he's not punishing you.
He's not trying to waste your time.
It really is to reveal growth.
And you'll hear Jackie say,
if you've been hurt in a relationship,
you're going to be healed in a relationship.
And there is, like, I can share, like, that's a true statement.
There's areas where I've been hurt in a relationship
that God has used in a new relationship to show me healing.
And it's not always easy, but it is worth it.
And, you know, sometimes the whole point
is the discovery process.
Like, like I said, a handful of my dates,
all 99% of them before my husband,
there was a purpose for them.
It was for discovery and it was for my healing.
It was for me to learn and grow.
I would love to say that I learned and grew
from every single one of those opportunities, but I didn't.
That's just reality.
I didn't necessarily learn and grow from all of them.
I still carried some brokenness and some hurt,
especially from those relationships prior to heartwork.
I had a lot of healing to do there, but that was the purpose.
I needed to, I needed to work on that.
So I want to help shift you ladies,
instead of this idea of this mindset and asking,
did this produce what I wanted?
Did the outcome actually unfold the way that I wanted it to?
Instead of asking that, what if we ask ourselves,
what did I learn?
What did this reveal?
What new information did this give me?
Because remember, it's level two, it's discovery dating.
It's literally to gather information.
Because believe it or not, clarity is progress.
So then we have that level three.
So men are gonna lead that conversation, okay?
This is where both people are going to take
and be intentional, okay?
Because both people are deciding
they wanna move forward together.
And that's why we're gonna encourage,
like men are the leaders,
you're gonna want men to lead that, okay?
And just because a man leads into an exclusive conversation,
do not put the pressure on yourself to make a decision
if you need more time.
You can say, I'm flattered by that question.
Can I have a little more time to think about it?
If you're like me, I'm an external processor
and I need a lot of time to process.
So me being caught off guard last minute to make a decision,
I'm typically just gonna people please
and tell you what I think you wanna hear
because I'm nervous about saying the right or wrong thing.
And so it's just easier for me to just to say something
because I wanna not be uncomfortable, right?
And it's learning like, it's okay to say, I'm not sure yet.
So just because someone asks you for exclusivity,
does not mean you have to give an answer right away.
Now, do I think you should let them like hang around
a month or two before you actually decide?
No, like, I don't think you should.
I think you really do.
Okay, this person really truly does want
intentional commitment.
Is that something that I'm ready for?
Because now I need to see, are we in alignment?
If you're not in alignment and you're still like,
I still want to go and date other people
and get to know other people
and see where things are leading with maybe other people,
then guess what?
You're not in alignment with that person.
And sometimes that person is maybe rushing
because they're not in the best alignment either.
So it really is like you get the opportunity to sit
and say, hey, I need a little more time
because I need a little bit more information
before I make my decision.
Ladies, there are men out there,
I hear this all the time,
they'll go out on one or two dates
and they're like wanting to be exclusive right away.
There are guys like that.
My husband was like that.
Like he was ready, like he didn't want to date anybody else.
And I mean, talk about wanting to be like,
whoa, slow the pace down.
You know, especially someone who like gets anxious
and avoidant, I'm like, whoa, you know,
like where do I stand with this?
Now I have this community and obviously in the time
that I was getting to know him,
I was coming in this community,
sharing what was going on in my heart,
what was God revealing, spending time in prayer,
having Jackie pull me off so many ledges,
and so that when that happened,
there was a little like, whoa,
but I had done the work that I was like,
you know what, it's okay to move forward.
And just because I said yes to exclusivity
did not mean I was saying, yes, I'm going to marry you.
I didn't have to say that either.
So exclusivity doesn't mean like all of a sudden
you are literally in covenant with that person.
Like it's literally like it just becomes about one person.
It's you're in exclusive relationships
so that you can build a greater consistency
with one another.
There's more intentional emotional investment.
You get to have now those future discernment conversations
and you get to practice your communication
to be more strong.
Like do we have strong communication?
Exclusivity does not mean discernment is over.
You are still learning in level three.
Because this is where real information is going to start showing up.
Y'all, when we first start dating people, we are going to show our best selves.
I mean, let's be real.
We like somebody, we don't want anybody to see some of our flaws.
And you best believe those men don't want to show their flaws.
And they have them too.
Some of us have been involved in relationships that have a lot of flaws.
Okay?
And then sometimes, well, the infatuation can settle in that level three.
That intensity, that like, oh, I just am so excited.
Once you settle into that, that's going to sometimes kind of lessen a little bit.
And so your emotions are not going to be driven so much by that intensity.
Like, you're going to be able to sit back and be like, oh, wait, what is this?
You're going to start seeing their personality, their real personality emerge.
And your personality is going to start emerging.
Some of your differences are going to start surfacing here.
Believe it or not, ladies, in the Symbus course that my husband and I took before,
I think we had something like 10 or 12 couples, including my husband and I.
I think only three of three or four of the couples actually made it to marriage.
And I do think one of those couples actually divorced.
Yeah.
So just because level three is exclusive does not necessarily mean
that all of a sudden you get to shut your discernment off.
There will be differences that will pop up.
Guess what?
You're a human being and there's another human being involved.
You're not the same.
There's differences.
You will have disagreements.
Quite frankly, that's typically when you start seeing some of the arguments happen.
And then you're going to sit there and be able to discern, am I in alignment
and how can we as two people work out and communicate our differences
and still show up lovingly and respectfully and honorably?
What does that look like?
Because no marriage is without conflict.
And those marriages where people are like, oh, we never fight, those scare me.
Maybe they don't.
Maybe they don't fight, but then I'm thinking that doesn't sound healthy either.
That really doesn't.
So conflict is actually where you're going to start maybe seeing character being revealed,
not just in the other person but also yourself.
And that actually might even surface some areas of healing in you.
Yes, it's actually a program.
Currently I think Bethany and Brian are the ones that lead that for last year's single.
We have that available for our couples to join, to sign up for.
And I know Brian and Bethany, they had to be certified.
So it's a whole program for sure.
It's really good.
My husband and I, we still pull up our – you take a questionnaire.
He takes one and you take the same one, but you take them separately.
And then it gathers all this information and generates all this data.
And it kind of highlights areas of things that you'll talk about, where you might have differences,
where there may be possible conflict.
And my husband and I, probably more so me, I will still sometimes pull it out and be like,
oh, this makes sense.
He sees me this way and I see him this way, and this is why we're kind of buttonheads.
Same thing with what does he value, what's his mindset on finances versus what mine is.
We have differences.
What's our differences in raising kids?
I mean, y'all, we have a blended family.
He had two kids.
I had one.
We're blending them together.
men and women parent differently and I was a single mom that didn't have a lot
of involvement from my son's biological father so that's been a real big
learning curve for me because now I I have a partner that wants to have input
and sometimes I don't want to hear his input so there's there's differences
there those are all all good things and so again that that you know you're not
always gonna get into that in that level three but it's where I want you to see
that level three exclusivity is where that stuff will surface
and it's okay and it doesn't like it's nothing to be scared about it's it's an
area where you still get to have discernment gather information and you
know you're gonna start seeing things more clearly okay and then that's when
the two of you get to either align and come together and realize hey like we're
working we're working through this and this is an alignment that's going to
lead towards engagement marriage or you know what I learned something along the
way and we part ways you guys I don't like if you've watched some of our
recordings Renee is one of our coaches she coaches often in our phase three she
used to coach with me here in phase two she was in the program for for a number
of years single she had a lot of and I'm sure she won't mind me sharing this
because I think she shares this openly in the community she dated you know a
handful of guys over the course of being in this community she went through
this embass with I do believe one person in particular and they learned that they
just weren't compatible and she ended like they ended it they
separated so she has been through the process of being in exclusive
relationships and discerning that okay this isn't leading to marriage and
ending things and y'all she's married now
like I just saw her in October at the five-year anniversary party and she had
just recently got married like I remember the time that like she was like
I just need a break like she'd been in the program for a very long time she was
one of those women that was very involved helping out coaching single
seeing everybody else get their love story and it wasn't happening for her
and y'all she has the most powerful testimony in this community because she
she received the grace in that process of dating for that discovery and
learning what's in alignment and what's not and so that's really really helpful
I'm gonna go ahead and stop there because I want to leave time for
questions I can always share like the expectations of level two versus the
expectations of level three I can share that in the in the app and just kind of
some you know reflective questions to be thinking about and asking yourself I
can share those in the app as well but I really do hope that this has given you a
better understanding of the differences between those two levels and also like
giving you the the pass the free pass of hey like it's okay if I've been
operating a level two relationship at a level three expectation but now I get to
learn from it like I share this because I was the girl in this community that
was often operating at a level three in a level one and level two and I see that
frequently and a lot of the things that y'all post it's that you know desire for
certainty or the fear of being vulnerable and you know I want to remind
you like that pressure gets to be removed like you get to take that off
your shoulders like this dating
process is that it's a process it is there's nothing perfect there's no right
or wrong you know everyone was like well I want to make sure I'm doing this right
and I get that cuz I'm a rule follower like just give me give me give me the
checklist that I need to follow to get the outcome that I want I'll follow
whatever you tell me to do I'm a good student I'm a good citizen I will follow
the rules and if we lived in a perfect world that would work we don't and so I
get that I'm like I just give me give me all the to do's the do's and the don'ts
and if I follow it then I just put it in a little little box and it generates
exactly what I want um so that was me but you will often hear us say guess
what yes rules are suggestions these are just guardrails because a lot of you
won't like some of my if I sat there and told you all these rules you there's
some resistance that I'll get y'all the big one is I strongly encourage no
physical contact with anybody until you're an exclusive relationship which
I mean there's no no hugging and kissing until that man has asked you to
exclusively date him and only him then that there's no kissing on a first date
or kissing on a discovery date like I look I say that doesn't mean I always
followed it before heart work I never followed that I loved kissing I'll be
honest but I knew that was a weakness for me and so as soon as I started the
kissing there was connection and then I'd operate at level 3 level 4 and it
was a level 1 or 11 level 2 so for me to guard my heart I was like nope not gonna
do it you know I told my husband first date he asked me can I kiss you and I was
like nope I don't think he was expecting that but I said no anyway even
though I was like man part of me just hasn't been kissed in a really long time
and I would really like to get kissed but at least for a strong fun story for
sure so yes no hugging or kissing that's that's again that it's a guardrail you
get to decide if that works for you I will tell you from experience of
coaching and myself included and being in this community with other women that
a lot of chaos and confusion happened when the kissing happened in level 2 and
level 1 hugging it's like you can have like the
friendly hug or the side hug but I mean when I'm talking about hugging I'm
talking about like I'm hugging you and I'm lingering I'm staying there like I'm
hugging you like I'm getting close okay like a quick little hug like I'm not
talking about that I'm talking about a hug like oh I can't kiss you but I can
get close and snuggle with you and ladies be and here's the thing and men
are gonna sit there and say and even women do this too well I just need to
know I'm physically compatible before I decide whether or not I want to be in a
relationship with somebody because that's important which yes it is but
there's other things that are important to establish first before you introduce
that physical stuff okay all right hit me with your questions Joanne how are
you I see your hand pop up I got Tiffany don't be shy ladies how are you good
it's a little awkward cuz I joined the book club and I'm actually talking to a
guy who's in the book club so I'm like I need to ask this question oh yeah you
can ask it here yes definitely ask it here I didn't know men were invited into
that book club which I guess I didn't realize that yeah why wouldn't we have
it's actually he was the one who told me Joanne you know the book club is
happening I'm like oh yeah that's right so I was like oh it'd be so weird if he
was on the call and then asked a question and because I'm talking to two
guys right one of them is him and I want to ask a question about this other guy
I'm talking to so I'm like
Oh, how do I do this?
That's good.
Yeah.
Ladies, definitely keep those conversations, like definitely
shoot them over here and we got you.
Okay.
Yeah.
We don't want to add any of that confusion.
Yeah.
If you're dating guys that are, you know, familiar with Jackie or in our
community, because that will happen, you know, um, yeah, I, when I, I dated a few
guys from this community and I just even never shared their name.
Because that got awkward, not even with the men, but even with the ladies.
Yeah.
I did.
Yeah.
I'm doing the same.
It's like, all right.
What's your question?
Okay.
So my question is, I was bold.
Okay.
This is the context.
Um, I was bold and sort of like drop the hinky on a friend of
mine, like a few weeks ago.
And, um, it was supposed to be just a coffee and then he upgraded it to dinner.
And then we've been like hanging out since, uh, for just a couple of weeks.
And so he's, I really like him.
Like after I hang out with him, I feel so much peace.
I feel very happy.
Um, but he's like 34 and I'm 46 and he doesn't care about my age.
He's like, that's fine.
Okay.
You know, he's not worried about the whole kids thing.
And I was like, praise the Lord.
Um, but like, I'm kind of discerning his readiness and like, how can I tell
if we're in the same alignment?
Like Ebony was like, you should ask him what's his timeline.
So I did ask him like just recently.
And he said, well, I don't know, like if I'll be ready in a year or two, because
he just got sober two and a half years ago and he's a manager of like this man
men's home, like he's the house manager.
So he wants to, he's, he's in a place of rebuilding his life.
Right.
Um, and I, you know, I'm a place where I've been single pretty much all my life.
I'm like ready to settle down.
So he, it's not his plan, but he's like, well, I'm open.
And you know, if God has other plans for, you know, like, like things
happen with the right person, he's not like stuck at that home and doing what he
needs to, it's just, he's, I think half of it is financial because, you know, he
just wasn't living God's lifestyle, doing whatever, and now he's rebuilding capital,
right.
To be able to have a family and kids.
So I'm just kind of like wondering, like, how can I tell if he's like ready?
And, um, he's very different than all the guys I've dated.
Like I'm used to dating guys that are more intense, um, in terms of like very
intentional on telling me he, they, they like me, they want to be exclusive, how
beautiful I am, want to talk to me a lot.
Whereas Matthew is like, so chill, like everything happens so organically with
him.
It's like, I already have him cause we have mutual friends.
He's helping me with like light bulbs and my bench.
And then it's just natural that I'm like, Oh, I have food here.
I could just, you know, share with you.
And then we're like, Oh, I want to play pickleball.
And it's not like he's like, twin, when are you free?
I'd like to take you out.
You know what I mean?
It's like very much, Oh, you like play?
Let's do that Tuesday.
Or it's just so chill.
So I don't know how intentional he really is, but he always pays for everything.
And he's such a gentleman.
He helps me with so many things, right?
Just even like, I don't know.
It just feels like stuff that boyfriend girlfriends would do, but because we're
already friends and I just feel so comfortable.
I just, it's just like, I don't know how to figure out his intentionality and his
readiness, but I feel so peaceful with him, which I never feel with him.
I just don't feel that way with people.
So how many dates have you guys gone on?
Uh, we've gone on like two official ones, but the other two were like
one time he just came over to help me with my bench yesterday.
I took him to my friend's Memorial party and we just hung out with my friends.
So it's like two one-on-ones and two like other.
So when did the first, like, when did the hanky drop happen?
Oh, it happened like the big, very beginning of may.
So maybe like, okay.
So this is about a month.
Yeah.
Like three weeks or something.
Okay.
So about, yeah, three weeks.
We'll say three weeks.
Okay.
So yeah, you're still in that, that level two stage, right?
Yeah.
So this is, this is good practice.
So, um, I'm hearing you're enjoying it.
I do.
It's like the first time I really enjoyed dating.
And so that this is again, this is where you get to gather and collect information
Okay, you you did prompt the timeline. He's like I
Don't think I'm going to get married in a year or two, but we'll see where God takes it
So I mean that might not be the answer that we want to hear but it was an honest answer
You now get to gather information is how does he show up?
Can you remove the comparison on how?
He might show up with intentionality might look different than what other men might have showed up with intentionality in the past
Yeah, which I feel like he's so readily available to pick me up drop off
Pick me up drop off
Pick up the bench. Just you know do all these
things
So yeah, I like have you started kind of this is one thing that I know Bethany did
I think Aaron joy another coach in phase three has done many women I hear talk about doing this
Especially if they're dating more than one person
They start writing a list of like information
What do I like
What do I want to learn more about?
And so when you're sitting there and you get to kind of visually see
Okay, these are all the positive. These are all the green flags that I'm seeing
these are things that are yellow because the yellow flag is are we on
the same page as far as pacing and what we want for our future and
You want to be in alignment for that?
But this is still so fresh and new in three weeks of getting to know each other
That that's not gonna show up until you've spent more time
seeing how they show up and asking more curious questions and
You get to see what their actions and their behaviors
Because we can we can always like we can ask a question and we can receive an answer
But those answers are just words
it's the actions and
the behaviors of someone
That's going to show us the proof of whether or not what they said is what they mean
Yeah, it totally makes sense it's just I noticed Matthew doesn't really ask me these like deep
questions related to marriage whereas well because you're in level two
Do you see that like?
That let like deep questions for marriage. Guess what?
Those are for level three
Exclusive relationships. That's when you're gonna because at this point
You're asking those questions and you're having those conversations with just one person
if you all haven't established that
You want to only focus on one person
Then
Why do we want to open that door and share intimate things?
with someone that
We might decide that we don't even want exclusivity with
Okay, so it's not I was just like thinking if he's not asking a lot of like get to know me
Well, he is he's asking more like the appropriate questions like Oh family, what'd you do today like church stuff, right?
It's not like how many kids do you want? You know and like any yeah
Yeah, and ladies. I will say a lot of times. I don't there are some there are men out there that they don't
That's not how
They engage in a relationship. They don't ask a lot of those questions. Some of them will but there are some men that won't and
That's okay, but this is where I this is where I want you practicing and I don't like I said
I'll post some of this in the app and
for you to kind of sit with and
reflect on the level two versus level three and
Being able to kind of reflect on
Where you're emotionally operating in okay?
Which there's nothing wrong with like
Being curious and I mean you like him you want to see where it's like does he like you back?
Is this the potential like we're good. We're allowed to be excited about that
right
But
What is there a fear there?
That you
Spend so much time and that maybe it doesn't work out that way. Is that what is there a fear?
Yeah, I think I have
like, um, I get hard on myself because sometimes I have a gift of discernment
too. And sometimes, so, so I don't know if like, I was discerning correctly
from the beginning. Cause my main hesitation with Matthew is the
readiness. That's it. Like his ability, is he mature enough to be in a place
to, you know, be married and have kids? Cause he just rebuilt his life. I
mean, I love hanging out with him. I have no, usually when I hang out with
other men, I analyze a lot and I get like very anxious and, uh, you know,
anxious attachment, like tends to be my thing. And, but with him, I feel so
much peace. I don't even think about it. I'm just like, oh, hi. It's so easy
with him. So I think like my, yeah, my fear is that I would just, I knew, oh
yeah, he was too much younger. I kind of had this feeling anyways. Why did I
spend all this time with him? And I would just, you know, what you said,
like the wasting and it's like, what's the point? Because I'm 46. I'm like,
dude, I don't want to make those same mistakes. I don't want to, you know,
invest in something that's not going somewhere when this person's already
saying he made, you know what I mean? So I don't.
And that's valid. And that is so valid. Yeah. I mean, especially, you know,
cause that's, that's real. Like when, you know, we get to a certain age and
we're like, well, we know what we want.
We want to know that someone else is wanting the same thing.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting that knowing that certainty.
It's us allowing ourselves to release that and then lean on the Lord to reveal
that clarity sooner rather than later,
not forcing the certainty,
but allowing the information that we're gathering for us to be able to say,
okay, this is what I'm observing.
And this is what my observations are communicating.
And then I get to be curious. You get to ask questions.
You don't assume anything you get to draw. Okay.
This is making me question this. So I'm going to ask.
So like Ebony shared with you, we'll ask him about his timeline.
You got curious about that. He gave you some information about that. Okay.
You got that.
So now you get to go to the Lord and be like, okay,
what are some other questions and things I can look for that would help me
that would help me discern what you want from me, Lord.
And if the door is open here or if I need to close it.
So one of the things I was wondering if I could ask him is,
I think he's kind of like a go with the flow type of guy or something.
You think it's okay for me to say,
cause we already had a couple of things lined up for, for this week.
And it kind of happened organically. It wasn't like, what are you doing Saturday?
You know what I mean? It was just like, let's go set. Are you free set? Yeah.
I'm free set. So, um, I'm wondering if, is, is it okay for me to say,
Hey Matthew, like, would it be okay? We just like plans plan ahead,
more ahead. Like instead of like, for example, if I see him Saturday,
right. And I don't, we don't have anything planned tonight.
Is it okay for me to say, tell him, Hey,
I'd love it to plan by the end of the day,
instead of like waiting kind of last minute. Cause like last week,
the after we had our first date, he kind of took a while to get back to me.
And by then I was busy. Right. So I, but I want to see him.
And so is that okay to say that? Or does it sound too like,
Okay. So let me ask you this question.
Why do you think it wouldn't be okay for you to ask for something that you
would like?
Because I think I have this fear of, and then this is the dating autopsy thing,
right? That Jackie had us in the book. I think it's like, I have this fear,
like I like him more, or I'm trying to push it,
or I'm trying to make him a certain way.
And then I don't get to actually really know who he is or the fear that I'm
managing the relationship. I don't know.
And so these are, and that's good. Like,
I love that you're able to like you're sitting here and
consciously taking in this information and you're asking yourself these
questions and these are good questions.
So my question then now to you is, are you,
what is your prayer life look like with this?
With these things that you're asking yourself,
like how are you partnering with?
God with these questions? Do you do that regularly? And it's okay if you don't.
Like, ladies, I will be the first to admit, sometimes my prayer life does not look great.
And I'll be like, oh man, well, I really didn't ask the Lord on this one. Like I didn't include
him in this. Like, and that's real. Like, I don't think there's a single person probably on this
call that hasn't at some point said, wow, maybe I, I could, I could reflect there.
Um, yeah, I probably need to, I think sometimes I do. And sometimes I don't.
Yeah.
And I, I sometimes have a hard time knowing what's my responsibility versus God,
because I know the charismatic, like, just, you know, putting it on God, you know,
like God's going to do, I'll have to just trust in him. You know what I mean? And if I'm doing
some, I'm not trusting in like in the past, I would not ask guys out, but then I was like,
well, maybe I should do something different that, cause what I'm doing not hasn't produced
the best results. So maybe I should, you know,
It's like learning, like, what does partnership really look like? Like, yeah, we trust in God,
but we get to partner with him. Like we get to, he invites us to like participate.
And so it's, it's learning that. And I want to just encourage you in giving yourself that grace.
You know, we don't have to have that all figured out. We don't have to know all of all the details.
We don't have to show up perfectly in our prayers and our, you know, relationships.
Like there's no such thing. Like we don't have to do that. That's, that's not our responsibility.
Our responsibility is just to have relationship with the Lord. Right. And have like conversation
with him. And he gets to gently remind us saying, Hey, I didn't ask you to do that.
Or, Hey, why don't you try this? And he doesn't judge us and he doesn't criticize us. And he
doesn't condemn us because we're stubborn children and don't listen to him right away.
Or we are, you know, too hard on ourselves and, and beat ourselves up. And, and,
you know, we can't see how he sees us. He's gentle and he cares about us.
And, you know, I relate to that. What's my responsibility and what's not like,
what do I need to allow him to do? And what do I need to just like, what's my responsibility?
Well, it's just to be in obedience to you, Lord. I don't have to overachieve or, you know,
do anything perfectly. All I can do is what you tell me to do in this moment.
And if I follow that and it brings me peace and I feel that it's from you,
you are going to confirm whether it's from you or not. Like you're there. I hear from you, you show
up and that can get revealed. And that's, that's the goal. And like,
there is no, there's no such thing as perfection with it. Like give yourself that grace.
You don't have to do this perfectly. And ladies that goes for everybody. And the honest
answer is none of us are going to do it perfectly. I may have a success story, but y'all,
I haven't done it perfectly. Like there's a lot that I don't share that I have not done perfectly
because this isn't the place to share it. It's more of just, you know, it's me knowing like,
okay, well this is, I can take what I'm learning in my present and it will help me
be able to pour into you ladies because you're going to like, it's, it's just grace.
There's no such thing as perfection.
So I think I love, like, what I'm hearing is good things. I'm hearing green flags.
There is a yellow flag of the readiness and that's valid. You get to now partner with God
and spend time with God.
him and asking him to show you what information, what new information would that look like
to you to gather to make another decision if a decision is needed. Does that make sense?
Yeah.
So you don't have to know right away. You get to take and paste this to be like,
Lord, give me some new information here. Show me some things and help me see whether or not
this man is ready or not. Help me to see am I ready or not. Help me to see if there's something
I need to work out on so that I can be ready if he's ready or someone else is ready or not.
What does this reveal, not just with them, but what is it revealing in me?
And what can you do? How can you use this information to grow me as well?
How does that sit? Is there a stretching?
Yeah. I mean, I think what you touched upon about the perfectionism, I actually ended up
writing a song about that last night. It's called Grace. It's about falling to his grace and not
trying to make it so high stakes where I have to perform and make everything right,
which is an illusion anyways. So yeah, I think that's the key thing that I want to focus on.
And I just feel like Matthew is a very safe person. So I don't think he's going to be
freaked out. He doesn't seem that type of guy anyway. So I'm sure if I ask something,
he's so open-minded and easygoing. He's probably going to be like, yeah, sure.
Yeah, exactly. And this is new. This sounds like he's a different type of guy that you're not
familiar with. So there's going to be some uncertainty there because you're like, this is
foreign. Guys that show up like this, I'm used to guys showing up like this. This is different.
So it is going to catch you off guard at times. And this is where it purposely
gets to be different and you get to grow and learn. And again, remove the pressure of you
needing to have it figured out. God's aware that readiness is important to you.
Readiness is important to him too. You being prepared and fully capable to handle the capacity
to carry that promise of marriage with anyone is very important to God.
And so he's intentional with you and all the relationships that come in your path.
It's whether or not we are using and utilizing the opportunities to be open,
to grow and learn from those.
Yeah, I think you're on the right track. I think God is revealing some great things through you.
And I just want you to, I just, again, it's the grace. I just keep feeling that.
Give grace over yourself and just give yourself the ease that you don't have to have the pressure
to figure it out, but that God most simply can come and give you confirmation in a blink of an eye.
Okay, thank you. I really appreciate that.
And keep us posted. And I'm excited for the book club for you.
I know. I'm just like, how do I ask questions to Jackie when I'm talking to two guys? How do I do
this? This is so awkward.
Well, and we can always help you formulate questions too. So if there is a question that,
like, cause Jackie is going to be in there coaching. And that like, ladies, like,
definitely, like if you can sign up, like that in and of itself is very valuable.
Like it's very rare to get, like Jackie is so busy now than she was when she first started
this program. And I will tell you, there is so much value in her coaching. Like I was,
I'm very grateful and very thankful and very blessed that when I joined this community,
it was a very, very beginning. And I had the ability to.
get a lot of you know intentional coaching from Jackie like she is she's she's got a gift she
really really does and you know I'm thankful for what she's been able to pour into me because it's
allowed me the ability to give it back but I'm excited I'm excited for all you that are in it
and if you have the opportunity I don't know if the spots are sold out or not but I would
definitely encourage but we can help you formulate some questions so that we can you know make it
sound coded that that other guy is not gonna you know hear it per se but we can um we can
definitely help you out with that too so if you have a question be like okay this is a question
I want to ask knowing that this guy's in here is there a way to word it that I can ask Jackie
and we'll we'll help you figure it out okay yeah I only have two weeks left in this program but I
I'm on phase three so I could do that on phase three too okay perfect thank you yes thank you
all right Tiffany you're up and then um I don't see any other hands so I'm that's why I kind of
spent some time there with Joanne so I'm gonna take Tiffany and then I will um let you ladies go
um and look forward to to hearing from you throughout the week so Tiffany what's your
question um well I feel like I have felt this way the last month I feel like y'all have bugged
like you have bugs like in my phone because I swear every time I come to one of these like
you were dealing spot on with where I'm at um you know then so that's the funny thing it's like
doesn't God just work like so intentionally for us yes I'm I'm glad I'm glad to hear you have
like a sense of humor about it and it sounds like you're taking it in a positive way so that's good
so in a nutshell I've been talking to this guy for seven and a half weeks
um we totally skipped by uh level two like just emotionally went straight to fate or
level three it happened it was enjoyable I've been single seven years he's been single six
this is both our first time to do it God's way so like all of that was just like let's run with
it and it's exciting yes for sure it was um and about the same time I've seen God's
graciousness in this even in all the the missed places we both kind of hit that brick wall of
feeling emotionally maxed out to where like we just had outpaced ourselves we didn't even know
what way was up at this point nothing bad had happened like it's just been a really great
if I could pick someone to talk to like this this couldn't have been more perfectly
so for the last week we agreed that we were just going to take a breather okay um I had a one-on-one
coaching with Ebony because I realized that a lot of you had posted something on one of my posts
that I made about she had posted about needing reprogramming and then you talked about things
like that were kind of coming awake from my past all of that was spot on yeah so this past week
I've been incredibly intentional with the Lord about okay show me all the things let's deal with
this let's do it it's been painful but it's been so good a lot of revealing to healing a lot of
teaching me how to reprogram things um I totally backed off because I'm very I have I have a lot
of the anxious characteristics um and then when I get to a certain point then I can also have some
of the avoid it avoid it yeah and so yeah um so the Lord helped me really like step back and just
really take a breath but this guy was also very kind to still show up like that's one of the
things I've never had a man be more consistent than this guy um he's got a crazy schedule but
he still shows up even when he's maxed out just schedule wise he still shows up and so even in
this that's been the case so from
Um, Thursday night to yesterday, we had had no communication.
We really were like, okay, let's just end this week out really like strong.
Let's give us some time with the Lord one-on-one.
So we kind of, um, we started texting and stuff again yesterday.
We both agree.
Like we want to do the reset.
We want to slow back down, like kind of starting over, but how do you
start over when you still know, like, cause we talked hours upon hours upon
hours and so like, I know a lot about him, but we're still in that, like
still let slow down and restart.
And so we kept everything very lighthearted and fun, playful yesterday.
It was really great, but already this morning, I can already see the writing
on the wall, the little parts of Tiffany going, let's reconnect, let's reconnect.
And so my question is how, cause I feel like he's on another level and he's
getting it and he's like, we're slowing down, we're resetting where this is how
we do it and I'm going, no, no, no, no.
But what about, what about, and I don't want to push because.
I like this guy.
And even if like, we don't go anywhere, I know God's got such awesome
purpose in this cause I'm gleaning and learning like crazy being in this
place and seeing it for what it is.
How do I appear here?
All the things, how do I put myself in that place to, to go back?
That's a really good question.
Um, and so as you, I'm jotting and you ladies know, like I'll sit and note,
take while y'all are given information.
Cause that's how I'll process with Holy spirit as well.
Um, and so some of the things that I wrote down that were highlighted.
That I just really heard the Lord kind of saying is, um, honest communication.
And, and not just with him, but I feel this intensity around you
staying honest and open with yourself.
And I want to celebrate because I think that's what I'm recognizing and seeing
you accomplish in this season.
You're sitting with what's like, you're digesting everything that's coming in.
And you are intentional about being honest and having the awareness.
And I want that to be an encouragement to you because that is growth.
And that as you continue to go through that, the fruit will show.
And so like you said, it like, regardless of what happens, there is purpose in this.
And so it's resting in the peace and the stillness that even if he is still good.
And so I really feel the strong sense of just continue to stay in this honest
communication with yourself and, you know, being able to be honest and open
with him as well, even when it feels vulnerable, okay, there's going to be
growing in that I want to definitely validate the, cause I can, I feel this
again, like I'm a feeler when we talk about those resets and we're talking
about something that has to do with like the emotion, like the emotional
connection went amplified before.
Maybe it, we wanted it to, and women are just more in tune with emotion.
We're just more emotional than men.
Like that's just reality.
Like that's a feminine quality.
And so I do.
don't think like it's not uncommon for you to be like,
well, it sounds like he's got it,
but I'm over here, like I want to emotionally connect.
Well, yeah, because you're a woman, you're feminine,
we connect emotionally.
Like if you look at how men and women operate
in friendships, women operate out of emotion.
Like, I don't, like, do y'all see men really operating
in any emotion in their friendships?
Like us, it's like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
I'm so excited to see you, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like, and they were just like, hi, again, and uh,
oh, I can, da, da, da, da, da, oh, I can, like,
we are very much like, very into our emotions.
So I don't want you to beat yourself up
and recognizing like, look, you have emotions
and those are real and those are honest.
So the way that I've learned that helps me,
because again, ladies, this will happen in marriage too.
Like I am a more emotional creature than my husband.
Like he married a very highly emotional person
and the reason I sometimes think we're compatible
is because I have enough emotion for the both of us
that he doesn't need emotion.
Like at all.
And sometimes that's challenging and he doesn't get it.
He doesn't get my emotion.
I don't get why he doesn't have emotion.
And one thing that I am learning to grow in
that I think is just healthy overall
in relationships altogether is we are first created
to have a relationship with God.
Our first priority is our relationship with the Lord.
And so in those moments where we have these like,
heavy emotions and these, we get to literally go to him,
like I just, if y'all listen to Supernatural Saturday,
like Jesus is our friend.
He is the one friend, the one God,
the one main source we can take all the emotion to.
We don't have to hold back.
We don't have to feel ashamed of it.
We don't have to be scared of it.
We don't have to minimize it.
We don't have to justify it with him.
You get to take your emotion to him
and build that intimacy and that intentional relationship
with the Lord in this season,
because that fruit of that relationship,
that intimacy with the Lord growing and blossoming
will just pour fruit into all your other relationships.
And so I hope that my response and my answer to you,
like, I don't even know if I'm answering your question.
Again, I'm just, this is what I'm being downloaded.
I want this to give you encouragement that
you are right on track.
You are doing the work.
You're partnering with him.
He loves you.
He sees you.
And everything that you're experiencing
is not too much for God.
You get to take it to him.
There's nothing that you've done wrong,
but you get to learn and grow.
And you even just being gentle with yourself and like,
oh my gosh, like we fast forward through the level two
and went level three and now we're all like,
whoa, what do we do?
And we're gonna take a break and we're gonna reset.
Like, that's huge.
Like, you get to say, wow,
like look at the grace that we gave ourselves.
Like that is, like sit with that and celebrate that.
And guess what?
He doesn't have to sit here and look perfectly.
And you're right.
It's okay if it shows up differently for you
than it does for him.
It will.
Men and women are very different.
And so I just, again, like.
The way you work on resetting this is to stay in alignment with the Lord.
Continue to press in in that relationship with Him.
Make that a priority in this season.
Making God our priority doesn't mean that we can't date.
I feel like that just feels Holy Spirit on me right now.
That I think, you know, sometimes we carry this, you know,
well, if I'm dating, then I have to make dating my priority.
Ladies, that's false. That's a lie from the enemy.
God remains priority no matter what season of life you are in.
Yes, we may have to learn how to steward our time differently
because we have dating.
And how does that look in comparison to the time that we spend with the Lord?
But we want to be intentional with the time that we spend with the Lord.
If we do that first, everything else falls in line.
And so spend that intentional time with the Lord.
And that just goes, I think that goes for everyone on this call and everyone listening.
Let's reset.
Like, Tiffany, I think this is so divine.
Divine appointment right here.
That word, reset.
That's not just where you're at in this relationship with this guy,
but I think it's a word for so many of us in this community.
Spend time and reset with making the Lord the priority,
making him your first best friend.
He wants to be your friend.
And so I think that is just a good word to end this call with and leave that.
So thank you so much for sharing that because I think that's powerful.
Can I ask one question?
Yeah.
On the honest communication part,
because we're working on setting up a time to go on a walk this week.
The thing that I've noticed, because I've been like, okay, what is that going to,
what is the conversation going to look like?
The questions that I have and the things that I want to talk to him about are
actually coming from that anxiousness.
Like, where are we?
How are you feeling about things?
All the things.
And so if.
How do I.
I don't feel like I should just like dismiss those things.
I feel like there's value in asking that.
But how do I approach that from a healthy place versus the anxious.
Yeah.
I think the first thing that's coming like in, in my head right now,
like the, what I heard is.
Honest communication does not always mean giving all the details.
Oh,
Okay.
That's what I'm saying. Like that is just,
I literally was writing that down as you were sharing that, that.
Yeah. It doesn't mean giving all the details.
Okay.
This is again, that it's at level two.
You don't have to give all the information.
Us sharing.
Honestly.
And keeping some of those details does not mean that we're withholding
those things.
We're being honest with where we're at.
But it doesn't mean that I have to give it all.
Because it's okay for you to still need to sort some of that stuff out
and spend extra time with.
Again,
Your best friend.
You get to, and you can just say.
I'm still spending time with my best friend.
I don't know where this is.
I'm dealing with some, you know, anxious thoughts and feelings.
I don't want that to, you know, I want you to be aware of it.
I can't go into detail about it.
But this is where I'm at.
And that's being honest. You don't have to sit there and say.
I'm having all these anxious thoughts. Like, where are we at?
You don't have to give all those details.
You just say, I'm.
good, solid, quality friendship time with him.
And it's been great.
And it's amazing that I get to spend time with you
in this season as well.
And we get to see where this goes.
And so yeah, sometimes that honest conversation with him
is in all those details.
Thank you.
I needed that.
Good.
Ladies, I hope this blessed you.
I know it's definitely blessed me.
Look forward to hearing about how the book club call goes
tonight.
And if you didn't get signed up, know
that Ebony is still going to be on tonight for our phase 2
check-in.
She'll also be touching on level 2, level 3 relationship
as well.
You'll get her perspective.
And I'm sure there'll be lots of questions in the evening
as well.
So you'll get to hang tight in there
and learn from all the sisters here in the community.
But it's always been a blessing, always.
So have a great rest of your day.
And I look forward to catching up with you all on the app,
OK?
Got a couple of things to do here.
I want to make sure.
I know sometimes y'all ask things in the chat.
So I want to make sure that I grab everything in there
before I sign out.
All right, ladies.
See you later.