Go ahead and start moving.
Yeah, we're so happy.
Do you see, do you need some help moving?
I would love like maybe,
I don't know, which part do you think?
Like, I think I'm gonna be doing the move on the 20th.
That's like my goal.
So I would like leave Tyler in the morning
and then arrive sometime in Austin on the 20th.
So if you are free, that would be amazing.
On June 20th?
Yes.
Are you moving upstairs or downstairs?
I think it's downstairs.
Oh, good.
I'm so about to change my mind.
You're like, wait.
No, I think I'm busy on the 20th.
I'm so glad you mentioned that date.
I would understand.
I'll keep that in mind.
I haven't selected a place yet, but yeah.
Okay, I'm putting on my calendar possible move date.
Yay.
How can we get in contact?
Just let me know on the page, like if you will.
Yeah, I'll email you my contact information.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
And then do we still wanna do like, I didn't,
I can't remember.
I found out after I left Austin that I got the job
and I didn't forget the dinner and dancing.
So if you have an idea.
Lizzie.
Yeah, thank you.
Oh yeah, for sure.
Yeah, I'll definitely, you know,
we'll stay in communication and we'll come up with something.
Okay, I'm kind of playing with whoever else lives there.
Okay.
Yeah, sounds good.
Thank you.
All right, you're welcome.
Well, ladies, let us get started.
I wanna pray for us.
Father God, I thank you for this day.
I thank you for an opportunity to gather together
and to glean from the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
We thank you that you meet each one of us where we are.
You always provide what we need.
And so we thank you for answers to our questions
and to our thoughts and to plans and strategies
to help us grow in the path that you've laid before us.
I thank you for every lady in this call.
I thank you for their love story.
And not only for their love story,
I thank you for the love story that you're writing
with them between you and them,
the way you're developing them and growing them
and open doors.
And so we just thank you right now for a night of open doors
in Jesus name, amen.
Amen.
But we just wanna take a little time
and celebrate with Alexandra.
She's gotten a new position here in Austin.
She's excited about moving.
She's excited about leaving Tyler.
And so she believes that this is from the Lord.
We agree with her.
We'll let her share a little bit about her story
in a little while.
You're gonna be okay with that, Alexandra.
Yeah, just to show that God is moving.
You know, I always like to say
when God does something for somebody else
and I know about it, I say, he's in my neighborhood.
How do I know?
Because I hear of something that he's doing.
I see somebody's moving.
I see somebody's getting engaged.
I see somebody's pregnant.
I see somebody's getting an advancement on their job
or somebody's starting a new business.
He's in my neighborhood.
I want you guys to learn how to practice
this saying in your mind.
I'm not next, I'm now.
I'm not tomorrow, I am today.
Something good is always happening to us in Christ.
So, great, great, great, great, great.
I tried to print my notes
but that was not a success for me today.
And so I'm gonna be working with two screens here.
I wanted to give us a couple of updates.
Not sure why this is.
But, welcome any new members?
I don't think I see any new members.
Is there anyone new on tonight?
No.
I only have one screen, so.
Okay, perfect.
Cherish, is this your first time?
Sorry, I was munching.
I hopped on, I think, two weeks ago, possibly.
Okay, okay.
Well, good to have you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
For Jackie's Modern Day Sucking Book,
Modern Day Sucks book is out
and the book club starts tonight.
So if you signed up,
please make sure you are checking your email for details.
Check your spam folder just in case.
If you post questions in our phase two group,
we may not be able to get you the answers,
get the answers to your question in time
because it does start tonight.
We're gonna be covering some content on tonight.
Our goal is to get as many questions as possible.
However, we don't make that happen.
You guys can always post in the app.
We're always available to do one-on-one coaching with you
as well.
Well, I think that's it.
Okay, great.
I've already prayed.
So I really need to find another way.
I should be sharing.
I need two screens beside each other.
And so let me try to do that
because I can't go back and forth.
I got to look at y'all while I talk.
This ain't working out for me.
If I was a little more computer savvy,
you would think I would be.
Not always the case
because this screen keeps taking over.
Now where did my document go?
This is so funny.
It's taking time, but I think I really laughing.
So I won't cry.
As soon as I get one, the other one disappears.
Okay.
Yay.
Okay, tonight we're going to talk about something
and it's going to be,
I think it's going to be a little more quicker
and it's going to leave us a good bit of time
to answer some questions.
Later I'm working with two screens.
So if you post something in the chat that I don't see.
Sorry about that.
That's all I can say about that part.
Sorry about that.
So let's see.
Okay.
So this is what we're going to talk about.
And this is something that we see a lot,
but it's about the levels of dating
or the phases of dating.
And so it's discovery dating versus exclusivity
is what it is.
And I could just go on and on and on,
but we made some really good notes
to address questions that you guys specifically have.
And so if it looks like I'm reading this
because I want to give you details
from what you've asked us.
Okay.
So today we're going to be teaching
about Jackie's dating one-on-one content
because you need to know it.
And a lot of times we talk about level one,
level two, level three, and probably level four dating.
We don't use the same level four,
but level four is just engagement.
So level one, level two, and level three
is what you always hear.
Level one is your initial meeting.
The attraction.
This is meeting someone.
And as we talk about each level,
we're going to talk about what is involved in that level.
And get this ladies.
The reason why this is such a big deal
because oftentimes we'll enter into a level two
and operate as a level three.
We'll enter into a level one
and kind of think like a level two.
So a level one is just simple.
I met you on the app.
I met you through a friend.
We had our initial conversation.
That's it.
Your curiosity begins.
And then a level two is curiosity, interest,
and sometimes infatuation.
Most times you do kind of get infatuated person.
They seem wonderful.
They check all the boxes.
So that's that phase.
That's the discovery dating.
That's your getting to know someone.
That's the low stakes.
That's the gathering information.
This is the phase when I talk about
things kind of get tricky with us,
especially depending on how we learn love.
If we're anxious or avoidant.
If we're trying to guard and protect ourselves.
If we're future forecasting.
A lot of this will happen in level two.
It shouldn't be happening.
We're trying to protect ourselves.
So we do a lot of things.
Our nervous system does things
to try to make that happen for us.
And then level three is exclusivity.
This is intentional relationship
moving forward toward commitment.
And then level four, which we don't talk about a lot,
but that is engagement.
So we're gonna focus on level two and level three.
Level two is what we call discovery dating.
Level three is exclusivity and courtship.
We get this question a lot.
How much time before each one?
Now this is the absolute truth.
You can go exclusive with somebody in one day, one week,
two days, two weeks, three weeks.
It's up to you.
People do it all the time.
Jackie encourages you not to move
from a level two to a three,
which is exclusivity at a minimum of 60 days.
60 days is two months,
but at a sweet spot of 90 days.
90 days, meaning you should not go beyond three months
without that man having to define that relationship.
At three months, if he haven't defined the relationship,
then there's no point in you moving forward.
You shouldn't be dating someone past 90 days
and they don't make a decision
about where you stand with them.
All right, and why we wanna talk of this
because many women unintentionally experience confusion.
And this is an unintentional thing.
You experience confusion, anxiety, disappointment,
or emotional burnout when you emotionally move
into a level three while you're still in a level two.
If you wanna know where your burnout is gonna happen,
where your frustration, your confusion, your anxiety,
and your disappointment is gonna happen,
it's gonna be usually when you in level two
operating like a level three.
So what is level two?
Level two is curiosity, discovery,
and information gathering.
I don't think I can stress this enough
because level two is even tricky for me
because our nervous system kicks in,
old patterns kick in,
and you're really trying to guard and protect yourself.
In your future forecasting,
if you see any one little thing,
you determine how's they gonna show up later on.
You read into things that shouldn't be read into.
And it's very, very challenging
to stay balanced in this stage.
And in level two, you need a lot of community.
You need people to run stuff by constantly,
especially if you're anxiously attached or avoided,
you need to take your thoughts and your emotions
to someone who can help you piece through them
from a very objective point of view,
not someone who wants to live out a fantasy just like you.
I have a friend that I love her,
but I can't process certain type of relationship,
discovery stuff with her
because she's intent on living out a fantasy.
Some guy's gonna come and God is just gonna make it
so amazing for you.
And he's gonna do this and da-da-da, da-da-da.
And so she's really caught up in a love story.
And I know that she has no,
she's not in a position to help me navigate truth.
So I have to do it with someone who's more objective
to say, hey, no, you're going too far ahead.
She's also trying to protect herself.
You can't process what people
are trying to protect and guard themselves
who are also future forecasting.
And so I'm gonna tell you,
in dating, it's really good to have a strong community
that you trust and that you run everything by
because you're getting to know this person.
Things are exciting, you're infatuated.
They seem like they're checking all the boxes.
One day feels like two weeks.
I'm telling you, two days feel like two months.
It seems like you've been knowing them forever.
It feels so good.
Your emotions are just kind of bubbling
all up over the place.
And so you need someone to help keep you grounded
if you struggle with it.
So what's happening in level two is curiosity,
discovery, and you're gathering information.
And sometimes infatuation grows.
So this is what Jackie teaches us is important.
Not making decisions.
We don't make decisions in level two.
We are not attaching.
If you don't wanna,
if the quickest way for you to attach in a level two
is to share too many emotional things,
you wanna stay clear of emotional attachment.
If you struggle with emotional attachment very quickly,
this is something I also struggle with.
Then you have to come up with a strategy
to help you not do that.
Whether it's gonna be pacing,
how much you talk on the phone,
or whether it's gonna be talking to other people.
If you're determined that you only wanna talk
at one person at a time, fine, you can do that.
But if you attach emotionally very quickly
and you have not gained strength
or that muscle is not the strongest muscle for you,
you're gonna have to come up with a way to help yourself.
Because if not, you're gonna end up frustrated,
disappointed, full of anxiety,
and overall usually end up in a very hurt space.
Stage discovery, stage two is not for future planning.
Even if he wants a future plan, you stop him.
Don't let someone future plan,
and don't use for an excuse,
well, he did it, he said it.
That doesn't matter.
You have to guard your heart with all diligence.
Even if he said it, whose heart is on the line?
Whose feelings are on the line?
Yours, because what he speaks,
because you're partnering with the Lord,
you're walking in faith, you're believing for kingdom spouse
and especially if he checks any boxes,
it's gonna be like music to your ears.
And future casting in a level two.
in week one, week two, week three, week four, week five, week six of knowing someone is not
safe for you. It's not safe for your heart and it's not safe for the pacing of getting to know
a person. And remember, I am telling you this while you are sober in mind. When you start getting
to know that person, something in you is going to feel like you know that you know that you know
that you know that he's probably the one. And you're going to know that you know that you know,
I just feel it. I just kind of know. I just know. I just know. I just know. I just know.
And when you just know, you just know, you just know, you just know, you actually into
a scarcity mindset and you ignore everything you should be paying attention to because those things
are going to come against what you just know that you know, just you just know, just you just know.
And so usually in the beginning of getting to know someone and we're not very grounded and we
don't have anyone to lean on, we'll ignore some things we should pay attention to. And then we
get further down the road, we'll be like, when it all fall apart, you can start naming everything
that he did. I've processed with people before and they say, then he did this and then he did
that. But you overlook those things because you like them. It's exciting. It feels good.
And it doesn't carry such heavy weight. And so we don't let people future forecast,
even if you know that you know that you know that you know.
And I'm going to do this as an example, sometimes in level two. So let's get through this.
It's not time for certainty because the truth is you don't know.
It's just not you. You want any time you desire safety, certainty. If you feel yourself desire
certainty, you know that this is a response from your nervous system trying to help you feel safe
and secure. But you have to speak back to your nervous system and say, we don't need
certainty in this stage. This is a stage for discovery. This is not a stage. This is also
a stage where you're just observing. The goal of level two is not commitment. This is the danger
of entering if when you talk to a person already saying, is this the one? I'm not going to waste
my time. I'm not wasting my time talking to somebody. Is this the one? So I want to know
if you answer certain questions, correct. Are you the one that is costly to your process? Because
it's going to change your pacing. If you make a decision that you've decided that this person
is the one you are going to move so fast, your head will spin. And I'm going to tell you what's
going to happen. I watched it happen over and over, happened in my own life. And it's going
to happen in your life. The truth of the matter is a certain level of infrastructure is required
to uphold certain emotions and certain levels of vulnerability. Infrastructure can only be built
over time. You can't rush infrastructure. You can't rush developing a friendship. That is timing.
Your system requires time to build that way. And so what we do is we outpace our infrastructure
and it all comes crumbling down and falling apart because the infrastructure has not built
to hold it up. Infrastructure is only built in time. If you outpace yourself, it's going to fall
apart. Because when you outpace your infrastructure, you don't have what it takes to sustain the level
of emotional investment that you're adding. Your expectations that you're going to develop
for that person is not going to withstand because you hadn't made it there to have the
expectation of an individual. Are you tracking with me? You know you've outpaced yourself
when it starts crumbling and you're going to know it because you can feel it.
Hey, friend, can you mute for me? Oh, it's okay. Yeah. And so let's also talk about,
let's keep going. Level two is for clarity. So what I think about Christians who get married
within a month, you can get married within a month, but it doesn't change that you don't
change that you don't have a friendship. You're just going to get to the other side of I do and
have to learn how to be a friend to the person you married. Not only you got to learn how to
be a friend, you're going to have to be a spouse at the same time. So you're going to have the
expectation of a husband that you don't know. You're going to have the expectation of a wife
that you don't know because you haven't learned them. And so you're not going to change your
process of learning. You're just going to be sleeping with a person that you don't really
know that much yet, but it's not going to change your expectation of them coming to
the office of a wife in the office of.
husband. They're settled but you still have to go through the process. So whether
you do it on one side or the other, on this side you have a chance to make
adjustments and say oh you know what I really feel safer when you do this this
way. But when you have an expectation of a person, especially in a marriage, that
well you should just know. No they don't just know. They don't know what makes you
feel safe. And so these conversations necessary will still have to be had and
it still has to be made space for. And so you have to remember if you go
into an accelerated marriage, you want to use the time that you have dating very
wisely. Like if you believe that something about your life you're gonna
have an accelerated marriage, this is an accelerated program so we've seen
accelerated marriages. You know that your intentionality has to be on point. So
that means you need to come in with a strategy when you decide to date
someone on picking activities that help you get to know them. So you're not, you
want to pick active activities where you get to see what makes them laugh, when
you get to see if they're competitive. Like you want to be strategic in
everything that you do. You want to be strategic in pacing. Pacing is everything.
You want to be strategic and not to overload your emotions, that you keep it
at a slow enough pace where you build. So you know you're gonna be building for
two months, you better build well for two months. If you know that you want to be
accelerated, there's something you just set your mind on. You set your mind on
that, that means you need to build in community. You need to date in community.
You need to date around people who see you, who see them. You need to do more
double and triple dates than you do you and that person. Because you want
observation and evaluation. So another goal of level two is clarity. So
that's why we say it's a yes until it's a no. Meaning there's enough curiosity to
continue. Like okay, no clear deal-breakers exist just yet. So you come
up with your non-negotiables or what your deal-breakers are. But you know some
deal-breakers are gonna be if you're a believer and they're not a believer. You're
just not going any further with it. I mean, what is that? They're not committed
to righteousness. As you grow with them, you begin to see their character. Not
just because they say they love God. I cannot tell you how many men on dating
apps say they love God or fear God. And they get on the phone with you and tell you they love God.
But they literally do want you to have sex with them. They literally say sexual
things to you. They say they're Christians but they don't operate that
way. There are a lot of things. People have different definitions about what a
committed relationship to Christ looks like. They have a different idea of what
intimacy looks like. All of these things. Everybody has their own ideas about
things and that's why you grow and learn each other. Another thing, you should be
gathering information. You're observing patterns over moments. Hear me. If somebody
calls you every day for the first week, you don't know if they're consistent yet.
You just know they called you every day for the first week and then the next
week maybe they didn't call you as much because they got busy. Well, you need
another week to determine are they consistent or what this week they just
really busy and they're gonna pick back up. Only time can tell you. The first week
doesn't count. The first week cannot count for a person's pattern. You just
know what they did for the first week. They were excited. You were excited. You
probably stayed up later than you usually would talking to them. There are
a lot of things. So you need to give it to pick up a pattern. You need to give
yourself at least four weeks. One week, two weeks. Into the third week, you should
maybe see some type of ebb and flow with what they got going on but probably not
as much. But into the fourth week, you'll see more. And that's how you observe
patterns over moments. You can't talk to them two times and say they're
not consistent. You just can't say it because you don't know. You haven't had
enough time to determine that. The reason why I'm using it is because I've done that
before. Pacing, when you don't keep a rhythm of pacing, it just throws things
off. What happens when we emotionally skip levels? I kind of talked about that
ahead of time. You outpace yourself and you don't have the infrastructures to
sustain what you've done. So there are many ways depending on if we're
anxious or avoiding. If we've learned these patterns of love from our childhood,
things show up. So let me give you an example. We talk every day so maybe this
is serious. You can believe if you talk every day, this might be serious. Or you
may believe I stopped talking to other men, you'll do this. You talk every day
so there must be serious. So I just stopped talking to other men because of
person or they say, well,
I really just talked to one person at a time or I'm not on the apps.
Once I met you, I came out.
So you make the decision that you're going to come off to listen
and now, now don't let you find out that before he got out the app,
he was already talking to other women,
but you weren't talking to anybody else. And I'm going to tell you for,
for a fact, I've come out for app before,
but I still had two other people I was talking to besides that one person that
already had my number from the app.
So that's why it says they come out to app doesn't mean anything,
but whether they don't talk to anyone else or not,
do not assume the position of making yourself exclusive.
If they've not asked you to be exclusive with them. Hey, listen,
that is an honor. They should be asking you that you should not be picking up
after their little signs that you're going to do what they did.
If a man wants you to go exclusive with him,
he's going to have to open up his mouth and ask you to take you out to market.
You're not coming out no market. Cause he said he not on the market.
What'd they got to do with you? You want some serious stuff happening around here.
Okay. Um, when he pulls back after three days and you go,
what happened? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?
Of course we won't evaluate things cause we don't do want to see what goes wrong.
But if somebody pulls back after three days,
if they don't say something to you or voice something to you,
it's not about what did you do? They're showing you who they are.
And so many times we believe it's about who we are,
but they're showing you who they are.
If they can't have a respectable conversation with you, if they ghost you,
they're showing you who they are.
Oh friend, I'm scared to open up one screen or the other.
So hold on to that question cause it didn't all come up at one time. All right.
And then we have the, if it doesn't work out, I just wasted two months. Listen,
I am the queen of it. I'm like, look, brother,
I don't have two months to give away, but it's not true.
You're not giving two months away. This was my cry. Um,
when I was in this, in the thing, you know,
of course Jackie was my coach and I'm like, I'm not wasting my time.
I want to know ABCD and I want to know right up front cause I
believed that if you said it, it was true.
I believed it.
I believe that whatever that man said,
this was the truth and I was going to run with it.
And that is dangerous to you because you are
refusing to understand that observation tells you who a person is and
not what they say.
Women believe words. We like communication. We like what we hear.
Men observe. You have to learn how to be observer.
We are fruit inspectors. We inspect fruit. Okay.
So you're not wasting your time when you talk to someone for two months.
Um, maybe I should stop dating. You may have thoughts like,
maybe I should stop dating. If this just not going over, I'm tired of this.
Level two is for discovery.
There is not one person you would date that you're not going to discover
something about yourself.
I, I have outpaced myself when I was on the other side and I've outpaced
myself as a coach.
I've done both having all of the guardrails actively in my mind.
There are things that I learned about myself.
There are certain things that could be said to me that could trigger different
thought patterns in me. I've had to,
accountability is key like with every person that I've talked to,
accountability is key. Like with every person that I've dated,
it has, I've always learned something,
always learned something about me and always grew.
There's no such thing as you're wasting your time.
I'm telling you there's so many things to discover about yourself.
And as you grow,
you should see yourself implement the things that you learn in the next
relationship and you should get stronger and stronger.
And it's a beautiful sight to see. All right.
And so let's talk about, uh, seven 30.
Let's talk about hard work, anxious and avoidant.
So usually an anxious attachment, if you hear yourself in this,
which I am more bent toward anxious attachment,
though I told you guys this before, though I've been that way,
I've been myself the other way to more of a secure attachment because I don't
have to live out of the pattern that my parents taught me.
And neither do you. You don't have to live from that place.
We have a more perfect love that comes through Christ Jesus that lives in us.
We can allow it to give, give life to us and to those around us.
But I lean more towards the anxious attachment.
I have to always reel myself back in.
So anxious attachment, people need certainty.
I'm telling you sometimes I've, I need certainly like I need the air.
I breathe. That's how much.
It was like, I need to know.
Listen, I will talk about the elephant in the room
so I can feel safe.
I don't care how bad it is.
It's like, whatever.
Let's just get it out the way.
Who killed who?
I don't care how bad it is.
Just tell me.
I'll deal with me later.
I'll deal with my own heart.
I'll deal with my own emotions.
You ain't got to do nothing for me.
But I'm going to feel safe if I just get to the bottom of this.
And that's just me, right?
So you need certainty when you're talking to somebody.
Everything is, what does this mean?
What does this mean?
Is this a sign?
I remember when I said this, and I said this.
Maybe this means this.
Or where is this going?
You're on day two, day three, or week one.
It's like, where is this going?
Or why hasn't he texted?
Who's ever picked up their phone just to look?
Now, you know what the text come through is going to highlight.
But you just keep checking.
Like, everybody texts back.
Like, this constant loop in your mind, right?
Or does he still like me?
I've been so bold enough, I just ask, do you like me?
Oh, yeah, what do you like about me?
What is it that you like about me?
I'm not fishing for compliments.
I just want to know what do you like about me.
So just that strong, anxious, oh, strong, anxious attacker.
You, yeah, you have to know yourself
when you hear those thoughts.
Know that this is your attachment style,
trying to operate through you and reel yourself back in.
Because the truth is, there's no certainty
that a person can give you.
Safety comes in you first.
They cannot produce a safety for you.
You have to produce your own safety.
Safety comes through you.
Your security comes through you.
Nobody else can provide safety and security for you but you.
If you depend on another person to provide safety and security
for you and they don't do it, you're going to fall apart.
And you live with the pain from it.
So the temptation is to rush clarity
so that you can calm your anxiety.
So I just want this clarity so I can feel calm.
Have you ever been so in a loop, in a loop, in a loop,
as soon as that person called, everything changes?
And now you're back settled.
Now you're back happy.
Now you're back peaceful.
That is usually what a person who is anxiously attached feels.
All of a sudden, the things are clearer now.
But you can stay healthy while pacing.
So you say things to yourself like,
I can stay curious while gathering information.
It may be hard, but I can do it.
And I'll get a community to help you.
If you're avoiding attachment, you
sound like this in your head.
I need distance.
This feels vulnerable.
What if I get hurt?
Maybe this isn't even right, or something feels off to me.
Something's just, and if you're spiritual, oh my goodness.
In my spirit, I just feel like something is off.
Let me tell you something, you guys.
Your nervous system is a real thing that has to be healed.
Your brain, the patterns, the pathways in your brain
that have been shaped by your history in life
are things that you have to actually reshape.
So when your brain tells you that something is off,
you have to remind, give your brain a new thought
so that your brain can tell your nervous system to calm down.
I think I used this example last time.
Let's just say me and Fran.
Fran loves dogs, and she feels safe around them.
But I got bit by a dog.
I walk up to a dog.
That dog seems aggressive to me.
My nervous system goes bazooka.
And she just sitting there playing with the dog.
I'm not in danger, but my memory,
my nervous system has a memory.
My brain has a memory of what happened to me around a dog.
And I'm in high alert.
And she's looking at me like, what's wrong?
Everything is OK.
Am I being logical right now?
No, I'm working off an old experience.
And so as spiritual as I am, I can say in the name of Jesus
all I want, but that's not going to override this pattern.
And so Christ tells us, he said, renew your mind daily
because your mind instructs your brain and your brain
instructs your nervous system.
So you have to feed your mind with new thoughts that give you
new pathways in your brain.
And then your brain will feed your nervous system.
And your brain will say to your nervous system, hey, we're safe.
Everything is OK.
Or you tell yourself, we're safe.
We don't need certainty.
We're in discovery.
We don't have to run.
This is a journey.
And so something feels off.
Something could be off.
I'll know in time if something is off.
My only job is to pace myself.
That's my only job.
I'm on my way.
fruit inspector. I learned everything I need to know in time. Hey, Miss Bunny. Hey.
All right. So I'm going to move us on. Discovery dating is not wasted time. If you need to write
that on your wall, Miss Bunny, will you mute your camera for me? I mean, your computer for me.
Discovery dating is not wasted time. It's going to be a place where you learn yourself
very, very well. Discovery dating is fun. It's exciting and it prepares you for marriage.
It builds capacity and it teaches you about yourself. Let me tell you something. There's
no threat like the threat of a man that you're dating and them getting close to your heart.
Okay. Many of us, and I said this before, you treat level two like level one. Level two,
I mean, you treat level two like level three and you haven't made to exclusivity yet.
So maybe you learned, and you're going to learn this if you date enough,
you may rush emotional intimacy. Consistency matters more than chemistry. So a lot of times
we feel like if we didn't feel any sparks, this is not going anywhere, but consistency matters
more than chemistry. You can have chemistry or what you call chemistry, but there's no consistency.
It burns out quickly. You're going to realize that you ignore some flags. If you go through
this process, you're going to learn how you can stay open without attaching. And that is a skill
within itself to stay open without attaching. And then you can discover what actually feels safe
and aligned. I'm going to tell you something. However, your nervous system responds to stuff
while you're single, it's going to be the same way you respond to something when you're married.
I do is not going to change you. It's going to take you with all your unhealthy behaviors or
your undealt with issues and put you in a union with somebody that now has to live with you until
you grow. If you even choose to grow. And if you didn't make the choice to grow when you weren't
married, what are the chances you're going to make the choice to grow when you're comfortable
in this thing you so desire called marriage? Nothing's going to trigger your nervous system
like being in relation marriage with a person that the decisions they make directly affect you.
You tell me I scared. Your nervous system is going to be all over the place.
And you're going to throw it off on them. And you got to keep doing life with them.
And so you want to learn these things in a short time while you're dating is very helpful.
So sometimes God uses dating to reveal our healing places that we need to be healed. He is a master
at this. He's not punishing you. It's not to waste your time, but it's to reveal growth.
Because when you're hurting relationships, you're healed in relationships. And sometimes the
discovery is the point of growth. I told you, ladies, this before, and I've experienced this
on my own journey. There are going to be some men that come into your life that you date and
they're coming simply to restore. There are going to be some men that come into your life that come
to bring upgrade. They're going to treat you so well, but just because they treat you so well,
don't mean that they're the one for you, but they're going to treat you so well. And they're
going to bring you up to another level of expectation because to get what heaven has for
you, he has to raise your expectations of the type of man that he has for you. And you really
don't in your mind, you think, you know, some I want A, B, C, D you got to be like, and you've
only been in relationship with Jesus. You've only been in relationship with the people who
didn't treat you. Right. And so this is all the background you have. So he needs to come and
field you with the expectation that you have to have. I'm telling you, I don't believe this
is a coincidence because God doesn't do coincidences in my life. I went from dating some
righteous man who was a believer, who was the leader, whatever, dah, dah, dah, at the lowest
of the low, broke, didn't have nothing. And I'm just, I'm not criticizing, but I'm just telling
you his status. One week I was talking to a man who says he, he was a bishop in the church. He
never wanted to talk about the word. He never want to do any of these things. He didn't have
to talk about the word with me, but you would think he would have some enthusiasm about Jesus,
but he didn't. Right. But he's all of these things. And then within three weeks after that,
I'm talking to this high level earner, very, very high level earner, earner. And he is a teacher of
the word. He's a mentor of the word. He was absolutely amazing. Now tell me, what are the
chances I talked to somebody here and somebody here? I didn't realize there were some areas that
I needed an upgrading because I thought to myself when I met this.
high-level earner. I was kind of stuttered by myself just at the quality of a man that he was.
And I realized that there were some places in me that had not allowed for a man of such greatness.
And so God was upgrading me in that, you know, so just that. So if I had tagged on to either
one of them and said they were mine, I would have missed what the Lord was trying to do with me.
Does that make sense? It is a clear spiritual image of the Lord trying to upgrade me in every
low place in me. He was bringing me up to a high place so that my expectations can be rightly
aligned to what he wanted to release in my life. Those things I could not see in me. So just like
that one man was low, low, low, there were some low, low, low places in me that I had no thought
of. I had no idea about. And then there were some places in me that needed to be upgraded to what
the other guy was or the things that he introduced into my life. And so both of them came to serve me,
even though they didn't get to stay. Okay. So it's 741. I want to go ahead and take our
questions. There is an activation and we're going to post it. And let me touch on this. Oh,
my hand went up so quick. I thought I was going to touch on something, but I won't be touching on
this. I want you to, I'm going to open my screen back up. When we do go into
exclusivity, a lot of people say, once I go exclusive, what do I do? I want to tell you
this. I created my own strategy for when I go exclusive. And I think it's a really good one.
When you go exclusive, it's time to hit the ground running. This means that if you saw
areas that you feel like they needed some trauma counseling on, if you saw some areas where, you
know, they need some helping, listen, you guys, just because somebody needs help, doesn't mean
that they're not going to make up. They're not mature marriage model masculine. We all need help,
but you want to tackle it because if you go off the market for somebody, you're saying that you
would marry them pretty much. You're saying I'm about to evaluate you for marriage. Are y'all
tracking with me? I'm going to pull myself at the market. I want to see where this could go.
Use your time wisely. Because for me, if I go exclusive, now I can waste my time. If I don't
use it, well, I don't need another movie date. I don't need another coffee date. We got to get
down to business to figure out if we are best fit for each other. That means you're coming around my
community. You're coming around wise men in my community, people who I know, know how to evaluate
a man. I am now entrusting you to my community to tell my community, to tell me what they think
of you, to tell me what they think of us together. How do I show up with you? And then any little
things that I saw now, we're going to discuss those things. Like, hey, I need you to get help
in this area, right? I need you to get some little help if we're going to move forward in this. You
need to see how willing they are to grow in areas because that's going to be important for you.
And so what I did was, if I go exclusive, I really do set it up where I pick two or three
couples that are kingdom marriages that I know that are solid and true. And that's who me and
the person go out with every time we go out, whether it's bowling, whether it's game night,
whatever it is, we're around them for mentorship. And that person also picks mentors that he trusts.
And my idea, the way I set it up is, if we were to move into marriage, these were people that we
will be in covenant partnership with, that will be the community for the growth of our marriage.
Right? And so we're picking people who we know carry wisdom, and we're going to do the rest of
our time with them. And then you'll do family stuff, and this is then another, but it'll be
under somebody's under, that we're under their kind of guyship. This is not premarital counseling.
This is just somebody to help guide us to pick up things that we can't see, that we don't know
about. They have more wisdom. And so I say, when you go exclusive with people, now's not the time
that this is where we don't waste time. You want to dig in. You're not acting like you're married.
You're not digging out into deep, deep stuff. You're going to work your way there, but you will
dig into some things that are very important. And you want to know what those important things are.
And that's why you need wise people in your life. You need very wise community,
that once you go exclusive, you're not wasting time drinking coffee anymore and going out to
dinner. You can still go, but this, you know what I'm saying? Like you've done a lot of that before
now. So let's dig in. Okay. All right. I don't know who was first. I only had half a screen.
So if you know who you are, go. And Fran, what was the question that you posted? Let me,
let me answer that question that Fran posted in the chat, and then anybody else can go after that.
So I had two questions. My first one, somebody else had the same question, but my last one is
just about what you just said. So you talked about being around community, family, friends,
all that stuff. How do you do that if it's a long distance relationship?
That's the thing about long distance relationships, and it's very challenging.
And so that means whenever you all visit each other, you're going to have to maximize
your visits. You're going to have to do probably longer visits, and long distance relationships
require finances. You really need to experience that person as much as you possibly can,
because there's a big difference from FaceTime and being on the phone and experience.
But whenever you do visit, you got to maximize it to the core, like on steroids, not rushing,
but early on, you need to start introducing some key players, mentorship.
Okay. So my first question, I think Cherish had the same question as well.
How do you get to phase two, which is my issue personally. I have never
reached phase two. So how do you push specifically through lack of attraction when meeting someone
for the first time? All right. So level one is just talking to somebody, like, hey, friend,
nice to meet you. That's level one. Level two is when you go on a date or when you start talking
on the phone back and forth. That's already level two. You're already entered into it.
Level one is just to come in pleasantries. How do you get past... If you can't get past how
they look, you're probably not going to go out with them. If they look that rough to you,
ain't no how are you going to accept it or you're not. That's how you do that. Does that make sense?
Well, then it's problematic because most of the people I go on a date with,
I had to reflect for myself. They are actually good looking, but they're not necessarily my type.
So how do you push through that so that you can get to know the person and just give room for
that thing, that attraction to build up?
Okay. Well, then you have to determine what is your type. What do you mean by they're not your
type? You have to deal with what you're saying your type is and you have to deal with, is this
thing that you're saying your type based on superficial things? Is it based on vanity or
is it based on non-negotiables? So their nose is, let's just say, this is not your thing. I don't
know. Their nose is big or I really don't like the way their teeth kind of twist over a little bit.
Well, if they're a great person, can they go to the dentist? Huh? You know what I'm saying?
Or, oh, they're not tall enough. Oh, well.
That's a thing for me. Height is a big thing for me, for sure.
Yeah. So that may be one of the things that you want to kick to the curb.
Most all women say height is a thing for them. Most all women.
And height has nothing to do with the value of a man.
Height has nothing to do with that, right? But it plays into the attraction part where
when you are with the person, you're like, ugh. I don't know. Maybe I just need to work on myself,
but I feel like the energy I give off, there is an energy I give off. Even if I'm here and I'm
trying to be open, I feel like I get that type of energy where I'm on guard and I put some distance
and maybe they get... I don't know, but I'm not... Yeah.
Well, you have to deal with internally what it looks mean to you, like mean to you.
What do they mean to you? And what do those looks represent to you? Because it's a you,
it's an inside job. You measure people by the way you measure yourself, right? And so then
you got to deal with the way you measure yourself because it's not fair to you.
That's a real deal, that's a thing, because that's a thing, you'll have to deal with that,
friend.
You have to deal with your measurement of yourself and what looks mean to you.
And I'm not saying that, this is not me in any way saying, hey, if somebody is just not
tasteful to you, that you continue going.
But if you notice that if a man is in a certain height, or you really know that there's nothing
inherently wrong with him, he seems okay, or there's certain markers that just, I'm
not going to be myself because you don't like meet a certain mark, I would evaluate myself
and what looks really mean to me, and kind of deal with it.
And after you deal with it and you, you know, inside of you, you know, then move forward.
Does that make sense?
I have to think about it.
It's not you, it's me.
I need to process.
I need to measure.
I understand that.
Yeah.
What I'm saying is we measure people by the same way we measure ourselves.
And if you have a harshness toward people, when you measure them, you have a harshness
towards yourself when you measure you.
Mm-hmm.
That I understand.
Yeah.
So what have you learned about your body?
What have you learned about your image?
What have you learned that causes value, your value?
What is your value based?
Is your value based on how you look, or is it value based on what you carry?
Hmm.
And.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
And what makes a man mature, masculine, and marriage-minded, get to the bottom of it?
And what makes, when you, when you get ready to live your life with a husband, is it going
to matter how tall he is or how well he stewards your heart?
Like you got to ask yourself real questions, especially if you've never been married before,
then you got to figure out, you need to talk to some people, interview some people about,
have you been married before?
Yeah.
Okay.
Ask some people that you trust what makes it, they have a healthy kingdom marriage.
Even if they don't, ask them what, what values, what, what would they do differently?
What does that man carry that, that, that makes use for their marriage or what do they
wish he had?
And I guarantee you, nobody's going to say how they look.
They're not going to say how tall they are.
Then.
And so do that.
Like give yourself a reality check and deal with it because you know, that could be costly
for you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're not alone though, but I can tell you every lady on here will raise their hand.
All right.
Who's next?
Whoever you are.
Go.
I think I'm the first.
Does everybody agree or am I?
We agree.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I think I was.
Okay.
Thank you, Ebony.
Um, so, um, last Tuesday.
Oh goodness.
She's going to, no bubbles.
Okay.
Um, last Tuesday.
Well, first I wanted to say something to what Fran said.
I have a friend that I was bridesmaid to her wedding and she had a long distance relationship
for, for quite a little bit and he really loved her.
So he would FaceTime with us, all of her friends.
And then once they, they got serious, he went to Miami to meet all of us on a dinner.
So I mean, when, when someone really wants to make it happen, they will.
Right.
And also to what Fran was saying, it has a lot to do with what my chin or advice is.
So last Tuesday, I.
I mistakenly got into another call, but I was happy to see that it was ladies night.
I had never participated in this.
I was Jackie and I got to, for the first time, talk to her and ask her questions.
And she, she said really amazing things that made me think, made me, um, change certain
things, but also she boosted my self-esteem and I was on fire and I was happy.
And I was like, yeah, let me get my Facebook profile.
But she also mentioned that she could just easily tell that I was quite, um, I had a
really high standard for myself.
Therefore, um, I would do the same to other people.
Right.
Exactly what you just mentioned to, to Fran.
And needless to say, I did.
get on Facebook, and I was like, he's short, he hunts, he this, he that, he this, he that.
Till I got to a point where I was like, okay, maybe I'll like this one. To the point where
I finally got frustrated after three days because the few ones I liked never liked me back.
And I gave up. I don't know. I don't know what's stopping me. I don't know if it's just
real fear of rejection. I don't know if it's... I have no idea. I just know I'm
kind of sabotaging myself. And as soon as I am not liked back, I'm like, okay,
this is not fun. I don't like this. Is this immaturity? Because at some point,
somebody told me something that resonates in a way. I don't know how much that really makes sense.
But I've only had one boyfriend that became my husband in my entire life.
And the last time I really, really dated was when I was 18.
So somebody told me that it really puts me in a quite kind of immature place because
everyone had their heartbreaks, and they stood up, and they just kept going.
They've had their fair share of different experiences, different people,
different situations that they just fell, cried for a little bit, stood up, and kept going.
So, I don't know. I don't know if that's where I'm stuck. I have no idea.
Yeah. Well, I would have to say in some ways, I disagree with that advice. I don't have the
full picture of what they were saying, but I can speak for myself. Rejection sucks,
and somebody just put it in there. I don't care how many times it's happened to me.
It doesn't feel like, okay, okay. No, it still sucks. It hurts. I don't, I don't,
ain't nothing in my mind says, we've done this before. It's all going to be okay. It's just,
it's the same way you feel like, oh, I like somebody. Oh, they didn't like me back.
The issue with when you like somebody that didn't like you back,
you're believing that they didn't like you back. You're believing that they didn't like you back.
You're believing something about yourself, the reason why they didn't like you back.
They have the right not to like you back. They don't like you. They don't like you,
but something's happening internally that you're taking it more than the same way you passed by
people who liked you that you didn't like. That's the same thing that just happened.
It's not fun when it's the other way around.
So you're right. So we, people have the right to not like you back and you have the right to not
like people and that's the beauty of it. And so what I want to encourage you to do is some people
that are liking you, if they seem decent, go ahead and like them and go on a date.
You need to try to get a coffee date. And the reason why we want you to get there within a week
or at least two weeks of getting to know them, don't do a lot of heavy talking and give yourself
an ounce. If you'll sabotage, then if you do talk to them and set up a date, don't talk every day.
You're probably going to find a reason not to go out with them. But pick somebody that likes you,
that's decent on paper, you know, like they have a decent profession. And I mean like a teacher or
like a coach or somebody that has a safe, safe type of job, right? And talk to them,
chat with them a little while and say, Hey, Hey, I'm interested in getting to know you a
little bit better. Are you interested in a coffee date? Go on a date, get a feel of it
because that's going to help you get in the game. It's going to break through some things for you.
So remember that your goal is a coffee date. That's it with a decent person.
It's very low stakes. You're not imagining that they're going to be something for you. They're
not because you're going on, going in, finding the safest person you can
to go on a coffee date with. So try to get somebody local.
Okay. Yeah, I know. And again, I don't know if I'm trying to sabotage
Like, a little while back, some weeks ago, a friend kept talking about this guy and she
knows I'm super awkward with this, so she just had like a huge dinner with a lot more
people where I, you know, we were just there and it wasn't like a date.
And I could only see that he had tiny hands, and that's the only thing I could see.
And I couldn't get past that.
A tiny hand probably equals a tiny man.
I don't know.
Well, that's why I want you to focus on a coffee date, because you couldn't get past
his hands.
For what?
You wouldn't have been married, man.
Where you going?
You're outpacing yourself in the process.
You're trying to get to know someone so that you can get to know yourself, so that you
can deal with the areas that need to be dealt with, so that you could build capacity for
your marriage.
And you're not going to get there without accepting people for who they are, because
you can easily accept someone for who they are when you're not trying to put them in
your story.
And you're just trying to grab a cup of coffee.
You're not building a life with him.
Every person, every man brings a different experience to the table.
And this is for your growth.
You're not picking a husband.
You're picking an experience.
And so if you have a friend or somebody who knows somebody who can get you out on a coffee
date, you should go.
It'll really help you.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Next person.
Am I next?
I don't know where I'm at.
Me?
I don't know either.
Whoever.
Should I go?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I was on the call earlier today with Karla, and she mentioned how, which I guess
it's kind of like her standard or whatever, but I just wanted your feedback, too, or whatever,
because she said that like her recommendation was not like, you know, you're not going to
get there without accepting people for who they are when you're not trying to put them
in your story.
And so if you have a friend or somebody who knows somebody who can get you out on a coffee
date, you should go.
It'll really help you.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
So I was in a car last night, and as he was walking me into my car, we were chatting for
a few minutes.
He asked if he could give me a hug, and I said that he could.
So, and then when she said that today, I was like, so how do I go back or whatever, like,
if I decide to have to like, bring it up in conversation be like, oh, by the way, or whatever,
like, as it like, I don't know, as he's saying goodnight to me, and he wants to give me a
hug or something, or I don't know.
To me, it seems super awkward.
I don't know.
I mean, how did you feel about the hug?
Well, I told him that I appreciate that he asked, because like, like, when I was dating
the ex, like years ago, like, he just, um, and also, I didn't know all this stuff that
I do now or whatever.
So, but I told him that I appreciate that he asked, or whatever.
Okay, let me ask you this, did you enjoy the hug?
I did.
Well, good.
I'm glad you had a hug that you enjoyed.
That was a very redemptive moment for you.
You have been dating him a while, and so you've already given the hug.
If you're uncomfortable with the hug, don't do any more hugs.
But if you're comfortable with the hug, then give him another hug when you see him.
Hugs are, there are levels to hugs.
So if I'm getting, I'm a hugger.
So if I've been talking to somebody and we meet up for coffee, I'm going to offer out
a hug.
It's just the way it is.
When I see Alexandra, when she gets to Austin, I'm going to probably hug her, unless she's
not a hugger.
So I don't, you know, right, there's a difference between just hugging somebody, then they're
these romantic, long...
Well, yeah, she did clarify, she said, like, sometimes, like, you give the side hug, but
this wasn't the side hug.
And then she said that, like, there's some where you, like, linger a little bit longer
and whatever.
And yeah.
Yeah.
So at this point, you're just going to pace your hugs.
You've already...
cross that threshold, you don't have to hook again if you don't want to.
But when you do hook, if you feel like you're holding too long or you're holding too tight
and things are getting a little heated up, you want to embrace and release.
Right.
Right. And so it's not that you did anything wrong. He asked you for a hook and you felt
safe to give him one. You're two months in at this point, right? So.
Yeah. And I mean, I'm not ready for like a kiss or whatever. To me, that's like way
like next level or whatever. So like, yeah.
Yeah. You know, one thing about physical contact, physical,
once the, once it's, once most balls start, they kind of keep rolling to build.
Right.
But when you pace yourself and give it time, especially with kissing,
everything just keeps building momentum. And so in every woman is different.
Right. A touch to one woman, not a touch to another woman. And it could trigger certain
things in one woman. It can't trigger in other one, another woman. So yeah. I just think that
you enjoyed the hug. It was a good experience. And if you wanted to hug again, you're at the
place where you can do that. You just, you, you know, adjust it accordingly.
Okay. And then one other quick question. I did ask this in the app and Carla, she did respond,
but I didn't bring it up in conversation. Cause I don't know, it just didn't feel like
the moment or whatever, but I was wanting to like have the conversation of like the frequency of
like just chatting on the phone or texting or whatever. Cause we usually go like one day to
week or whatever. And I'm actually going out of town again, like Thursday. So I'm gone like until
Monday. So we're not going to go on a date this weekend either. And we technically were supposed
to go on a bike ride yesterday. But I like was so exhausted. I'm a dog walker and a pet sitter.
And I had like a lot of things going on this weekend, caring for like a dog sitting client
and cat sit. And so like, I was literally exhausted. So I called him yesterday morning
just to let him know that I wasn't have to cancel or whatever. So, but like, can you give some like
suggestions on how to like, cause I know like she said that she did respond, like, cause I guess I
was being too like demanding in the way, like I worded it in the app or whatever, when I was
initially asking my question, which I understand to be more curious as to like, whether he has the
capacity to even like connect by phone periodically throughout the week or. And I mean,
we usually like conversation flows like he called, he called me and we talked on the phone for like
an hour or something before like a date. And then at dates, like we're there for like two and three
hours, whatever. But yeah, so I'm not saying that we have to call and like talk on the phone for like
three hours every time or an hour or whatever it is, but just to, yeah, just to ask like, if he like
is able to, to text periodically throughout the week or like check in. I don't know.
So are you saying that, I think I hear you saying that you guys don't talk regularly except for
right before the date and during the day. Right. Yeah. And you desire more communication.
Right. Yeah. Yeah. And this has been going on for two months.
Well, yeah, I was kind of like letting it go. Cause I was trying to like pace myself. Cause
I know that if I tried to like make all these demands like right away, then like, I'm just like,
I don't know. So like, I was trying to like take a step back, but I, and then I was trying to see
how things went, but it hasn't really changed that much. So, yeah. So now's the time for you
to say, this is not a, first of all, it's not a demand. Let's, let's straighten it out. Laura.
It's not a demand. You want to grow in connection. And so you're saying that you,
um, growing connection better when you have communication throughout the week,
please don't minimize what you're going to say to him and do not over-explain yourself
and do not make excuses for what you want. That's not this. Okay. This is what this is.
You desire more connection throughout the week when you're not dating, when you're not seeing
each other. Don't say it's not like I want you to talk for hours. It's not, it could just be a
little short text. No, none of that. We're not over-explaining. Okay. You're going to say
whatever his name is. So I enjoy getting to know you. I desire more connection throughout the week.
I would like for us to set up time where we can talk more throughout the week.
What does that look like for your schedule?
Okay.
That's it.
I don't want you to add, it could be 10 minutes here,
10 minutes there, it could be 29, none of that,
because I don't know why this man
is not talking to you through the week,
but I'm not as comfortable with it either,
and you want to build a connection,
and it's going to be hard trying to build a connection.
You're in the second month now,
and the only time you're talking
is before you go on the date and during the date.
Now, if he says to you,
I really don't like to talk on the phone a lot,
that I completely understand,
but for me, it helps to build connection.
Is there a time that we can sit through that?
Well, he's actually said that he prefers to talk
over texting, so, but,
but yeah, like, the most,
which, I mean, I know that he's like
a sole business owner, too,
and so that's why I was like
kind of cutting him slack or whatever,
but I don't know, it is what it is.
No, no, no, you need to go ahead,
because I'm going to tell you something.
If you decide to go exclusive,
y'all been dating two months,
it's time for you to be able to see
if he can honor what you ask.
That's a big deal.
Right.
Because you're needing more connection,
and let's just see what he's going to do with it.
It doesn't matter that he's a sole business owner, Laura.
People do what they want to do.
Well, yeah, I mean, I'm a sole business owner, too,
and I'm asking for it, so I just don't.
That's right.
So people do what they want to do.
That's what people do.
Yeah, they make time for what's important to them, so yeah.
So let's see, okay, and don't,
this is not a demand, you're not demanding.
Right, okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome, keep me updated.
Okay, whoever's next, go for it.
It all happened so fast,
so I don't know if Karen or Sarah was before me,
but I guess.
Sarah, you were?
She was, me.
Me?
Me, go.
Okay, I'll just, let me come on here.
Okay, hello.
Hello.
You said I could share my story,
so I was like, that's why I put my hand up,
but you'll have to tell me
if there's a part you're thinking of
that you wanted me to share if I don't say it,
but.
I just wanted you to share with them
that you were wanting to move,
you prayed about it,
that got, you know, this transition.
Yeah.
Let's see, so.
You got testimony time.
Yay.
I know, yeah.
Well, I definitely, I didn't think it could happen,
like, I guess I just went through a rough,
like, I was in, like, a really bad house church
for four years, so then I came out of that
just thinking that, like, God didn't have much,
like, it was just, like, sacrifice
or, like, doing the hard thing all the time,
and it wasn't about enjoying, like, life,
and I definitely wasn't encouraged to be,
like, love who I was made to be.
It's more like you're critical of yourself
and always trying to, like, fix yourself kind of culture,
so came out of that, and it's just been,
this program's really helped me just to open up
that, like, God cares about our desires.
A long time ago, I had thought about moving to Austin,
but I was just, like, I don't know,
I just thought it was, like, too good.
Like, I was like, I like it too much,
so it's probably not gonna happen.
I don't know what I really thought, so.
But I was already living here in East Texas
and in the house church.
Once I got out, I bought a house,
and I was really struggling financially
with the house as well, and then I was also depressed,
and so I joined this program,
and I think they've just helped me to kind of, like,
reopen up, like, what are your desires,
and, like, the Jesus Cares Board has been really helpful.
And so I really didn't believe it could happen
that, like, I could move out,
and I also didn't know where I was going to move,
and so I was just kind of waiting to feel like
I had a place that I wanted to move
because I didn't really wanna make the same mistake
that I made coming here.
I didn't know that a move could be so bad,
but it was more than just a move.
It was a lot of decisions, but let's see.
So, yeah, I've just been praying about it,
and then, I guess, thinking about, like, who am I,
and, like, where would I meet someone, basically,
that, like, because I was very clear, like, in East Texas,
like, I don't like it here,
so it's been really hard to meet people here
because I'm like, hey, I don't like it here,
but they're like, I live here because I wanna live here,
and I'm like, okay.
That makes sense. So I was like, I think it would be good to live somewhere where I like enjoy like it's it's who I am
Like it's the things I enjoy are there. So that's Austin. I'm outdoorsy. I love good food
I love like a diverse political culture
I've got a dog. They're big dog people not quite ready to move home yet
Wanted to find wanted to be in a city that was not as family oriented as where I am right now
Cuz there's like hardly any singles here, which I mean God can do anything, but I've tried here for a long time
And just ready for something new. So
It's been a long process. I don't know Ebony helped me to put down dating
I realized I need to see what God wanted to work on in me right now
And I don't feel like dating like actively dating
I have done it but I was like, I think just preparing for the next season
So I've just been preparing and I think that led me to seeing
Being like I want to move to Austin and then I checked the job site and they had an opening with my current
Position my current company, which I love. I'm a I love what I do
Um, so they had an opening in Austin and I was like that seems too good to be true
Who knows if the timing's gonna work out if I'll apply in time
Whatever told my supervisor because we have a good we have a good relationship
and I was like, yeah, I think I'm gonna apply and
It just was a funny moment cuz she was like, yeah, so are you gonna go apply and I was like, yeah, I guess so
So like I just wasn't really ready like but I am but like taking these steps has been like walking through quicksand
Like it's been really hard
But just trying to hold on to hope and not like God cares about my desires and not like it's not
Selfish like I'm going to be better for the people around me if I'm living in a place
That fits me better and
It's just been a whole thing and then it took like a month I guess to get the job
I thought it'd be really smooth and easy and it was smooth
but it took forever it felt like and it's how I'm gonna be in a
Relationship when I like someone and I know what I want. I'm gonna be like this was supposed to happen yesterday
my little anxious attachment self, so
Um, yeah, I finally they called and I got it and
I'm kind of in the scary part of packing up and I have to put my house on the market and that's really scary
and just financially but
God's provided and I think it'll all be okay
I'm just kind of in the scariest part of the now I have to find an apartment that's affordable in Austin
which I'm working on and
Ebony and this whole community is just I think the biggest lesson for me is like God cares about what I desire
like that's not a selfish thing that he made me to be who I am and
And he cares about those things and I think when I'm living in that I
I think a guy that I really enjoy and maybe will want a date or happy
My husband will be in the same kind of location. Maybe it's a hope
It's been so hard so everyone you can I don't know keep doing hard things
I don't know what to say. I still feel like it's hard and I still feel like I've experienced it like a darkness
I guess I don't want to share too much about that. But like I didn't really want to live anymore
and
yeah, so I'm still like I'm okay, but
I'm not like at risk or anything. I don't want to scare anybody, but I'm still like coming out
Yeah
Thank you for sharing Alexandra
The Lord is doing great things in her life
You know out to say the way we coach one person is not a coaching for everyone, right?
And so when Alex and just see it we say like hey, let's sit dating
Over here. This is too much on you
Sometimes we we pal on like God is working and moving and doing things and I like and we can pal on all these things
We're trying to date and I want to keep staying on the apps and I'll keep dating but he's you you're not
Continuing your living situation. You want to make moves in this area?
you want to make moves in this ear all of this can't get done at one time and
Because you sit things to the side and you deal with first things first and we see that the Lord has opened up this door
For her to come because Tyler was very hard on her
And so we believe that God is gonna continue doing the work in her life and we celebrate with her. Yeah
Thank you. Yeah, yeah
Alexandria your process. It's just you're
Inside to keep thing because it hasn't been that long
Since well, it's been a I guess it's been almost a year in this program
And I started putting things on my Jesus board and just like starting to dream
but I didn't really have a place in mind, but it's felt like forever happening, but
That's the part with God that like I think I'm still wrestling through.
So it's just...
I know.
It's kind of like when you say what happens, it's like, yeah, when did you start believing
God for a spouse?
It was last year.
It was the longest journey ever.
And then the next year, he's like, oh, I'm married.
Oh, last year this time I wasn't married or last year this time, but you have to actually
get to the other side.
And then when you look back, you're like, oh, it sure didn't feel like it.
I really see how he's been preparing me.
Like I just wasn't I really wasn't ready to move.
I really wanted to, but like this community was that like pillow, like a cushion to like
help me get through.
And I've had other other godly people in my life along the way that have helped me to
wait.
But it's been a hard wait for sure.
But thank you.
Thanks for all your encouragement.
And yeah, everybody for your help.
I just wanted to encourage people to hopefully.
Encouraging to people.
I don't know.
Yeah.
We would have to get you into Austin and live on you.
Yeah.
For you.
Yeah.
I love that.
I'll definitely give you a hug.
I'm a hugger.
So.
Okay, great.
Great.
Thanks for sharing.
Who's next?
Go for it.
I go next.
Go for it.
Okay.
Hi, Ebony.
Hi, everybody.
I've I've processed some with Carla the last couple of weeks about that.
That thing that I had wrote about with the guy who got a girlfriend.
And I anyways, all this these things that and my nervous system was like jacked up.
And I couldn't sleep.
So I could totally relate about the nervous system stuff.
But I just, you know, I try to go back and I try to figure out what went wrong.
Like what?
How?
What happened?
I think I think we were in level one.
And I mean, we were talking beyond like, pleasantries.
I think.
I mean, not really, yes and no.
So I don't know, I maybe I was mentally in a level two, but we were still in level one.
And and then maybe the maturity wasn't there.
Because I was talking to somebody recently, she's like, really, he's his maturity is not
there.
And it's like, well, how do you until you kind of spend some time getting to know them
and stuff?
Like, how do how do we know when we're going from level one to level two?
Maybe I guess is it is it only until they ask you out because I was never asked out.
But but yet he was building he was doing like, I was we were both didn't guard our hearts.
And it was very evident.
And it was very hard.
We go to church together at the same church.
And so, you know, you could just see, like, I we both are struggling and guarding our
hearts.
And so I think that probably was just the fact, yeah, not the maturity there.
Maybe.
I don't know if I didn't realize he wasn't mature.
But then as time went on, I kind of saw some things, you know.
But I would say maybe we didn't guard our hearts.
And maybe I thought we were in level two, but we were actually in level one.
And it was just like, you were definitely in level two, level one is just such a small
it's just when you it's the first time you say hello.
But let me just drop my memory on this story.
He was in a relationship with someone else.
No, I so we were for a couple years just trying to figure out like what and this and that
and do is there attractions or not?
Is there interest?
Is there not?
Communication was horrible.
and and people about this, like, I felt like communication just wasn't there.
And maybe I, I'm my communication was probably not there, too.
But there was a lot of like, not talking.
And it was interesting how you were talking about how they observe, like guys observe
and girls want to connect and talk.
So I was observing, I mean, but, you know, he can talk and he can connect, but it was
kind of sporadic.
And then we would talk and then we wouldn't talk for a while.
And I don't know, we were both kind of playing games.
It felt like a lot of game playing a lot of hiding a lot of just it was very unhealthy.
And and then when he he I felt like he was building this connection, this this attachment
to me without talking without defining anything, right?
Like I brought invited somebody to church, a guy that I've known forever, you know, not
a Christian.
And then he wasn't there.
But he found out about the next week and he was all like, oh, you know.
And it was like it showed me that he had this attachment to me, this connection, that this
possession of me almost like it felt like a possession that like we haven't even discussed
anything.
We haven't talked on him.
We haven't shared our feelings.
We haven't, you know.
So it was very it felt very comfortable.
So now I'm like, OK, let me start putting up boundaries and, you know.
And then he didn't like that. And then so it was just all kinds of crazy stuff, but not a lot of
words, nothing where we were like, actually sharing, you know, our interests in one another.
And, and I look back and I'm and then, well, anyways, moving forward. So then eventually,
right, so now it's like, and he would like, he would kind of like do things that made me feel
like he was manipulating me. It was very, I felt very manipulated. And then, so I'm kind of still
setting up some boundaries and stuff, trying to set up some boundaries. And then finally,
I feel like he stops. And I'm like, okay, now I feel like I can connect with him. So now I'm
trying to connect with him. But now I'm going the other, the other like extreme where now I'm,
I'm kind of not selling Carla this and I and she and I was like, I was kind of flirting,
kind of teasing, right? So now I'm going in that direction. And then a couple weeks later,
I find out that he has a girlfriend and I'm just like, what? So all this unhealthy craziness
games, what are we doing? I don't know. And then, and then it is like that. And now and then
and it's like, I feel like he couldn't take the cope. He couldn't cope with rejection.
And now I feel like I can't and I'm just like, you know, you just want to get revenge. You want
all those crazy things, the dark feminine stuff that you're like, okay, Lord, please contain me
and, and hold me and help me to not go crazy female. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot because
when he pulled back, you drew back, pull them back for the, you know, for whatever you're receiving.
And so, yeah, I'm so glad that you brought that to an end. That's, that's not kind to you.
Not kind, right. Not healthy. Yeah. And I, and I felt frustrated that I wanted to hold on to that
and I wanted to bring it back and I'm frustrated. Like, why did I do that? You know, but for some
reason I did and yeah. So yeah, not kind, right. Like there could have been better communication.
I mean, definitely on both of our parts, but I think he felt like, I think he was interested
in then, but when I kind of what saw some things that caused me to not be interested, he kind of
was like, you know, doing whatever to try to minimize the rejection or not make it such a big
blow or something. But yeah, I think it's just a lack of communication. And, um, you know,
one thing that you can glean from this is moving forward. You always have clear communication.
Yeah. We're not going to entertain emotional things without clear communication. Yeah. Yeah.
Which is like, at one point I could have been like, like he talked for me. At one point we
were talking with somebody else from church and somebody joked around with me, kind of teased me
about something. And then he said something to, to, you know, and I, I didn't feel like anything
needed to be said. And instead of addressing that, I just let it go. And then I kind of pulled back
because, you know, rather than addressing it, like, oh, I could have just said, oh, I didn't
feel like anything really needed to be said there, but instead I, you know, I pulled back and I
didn't say anything. And so no clear definitions of the relationship. Yeah. No, it was just all
sorts of confusion there. Absolutely. Yeah. And that's because of the maturity wasn't there.
And so maybe that was why. Well, you, you didn't also require any definition
before allowing yourself to get more. You didn't probably see how far along you were going,
you know, in emotionally with him, but you know, this was before the program and now you're equipped
different and you're empowered differently. And so now that won't be an issue for you because
you know what it costs you when you don't. Clarity is kind. When we're clear, we have clarity.
That's kindness. And so you always want to move in clarity.
Okay. Thank you very much. You're welcome.
Go for it, Karen. Okay. Hi. So just a little update. I went on two dates with Chuck,
the guy that was divorced, but then he, uh, uh, divorced, whatever. Anyway, the first date was
so great. We had so much fun. I mean, it was just Starbucks and then we chatted for a while
and then we decided to get dinner. So then we went out and got dinner at the same time.
Um, I think the date started at six. I didn't get home to like 10 30 that night.
And then the next day, like we text a little bit and I was like, when's our next date? And he was
like, is tomorrow too soon? And I was like, okay, I can make that work. So we went out again on a
Sunday and we went out for some Mexican food and a walk in the park and I wasn't feeling it.
And so I'm like, what happened? Like I was feeling it.
the first date, but not the second date.
And I think it was like, we talked on the phone for two hours before we met.
We talked on the phone like six months ago, a couple hours, right?
So we've had like the small talk stuff for a while.
And then when we were talking at the Mexican restaurant, I mean, it was a Sunday.
So I asked him how his church was and he said, oh, it was good, da, da, da.
And then I said, do you do any Bible studies in your church or whatever?
He goes, no, I don't have time for that.
I'm on the road too much.
And he's not involved in any of like, and I don't think he even really owns a Bible.
And so I think once he said those things, I was turned off like immediately.
And I was like, am I doing the right thing?
Like, because the next day after the date, he sent me a good morning text and a picture.
And then I just didn't respond.
And I didn't respond.
And then like Wednesday comes along and he sends me the same message, good morning, and
then a picture.
And I didn't respond.
And I was like, I am pulling away and I think I'm feeling ick.
I'm feeling ick because I'm not interested anymore and I don't know what to do.
And he's feeling interested and I'm not.
And I don't like that unbalanced.
Like he's more interested in me than I am with him and I didn't know what to do.
So eventually after a bit of time of processing, I sent him a message letting him know that
I just don't think that we're a match and I really appreciate him like treating me like
a lady and you know, whatever.
So we ended it and it's fine.
But I'm like, when you know after like the second date, like, is that the right thing
to do?
Or should I have given him more time?
I don't like, am I being avoidant?
Like I'm trying to just like evaluate myself.
Okay.
So what happened was he shared information with you that was distasteful to you.
You labeled it, you just know, you didn't know anything.
All you knew is that he didn't read his Bible and you didn't like it.
Yeah.
Right?
Because that's the only information that you received that changed your experience.
And when he said he didn't read his Bible, that was a non-negotiable for you clearly.
Okay.
And that's an okay non-negotiable, right?
That's an okay one or not an okay one?
I mean, I know.
So there are plenty of people who are righteous that don't read their Bible.
Yeah.
People go to church every Sunday, they don't read their Bible.
There are lots of believers who do not read their Bible.
I had to actually practice, create a pattern in me of reading my Bible to be intentional
about increasing my capacity of scripture and it was very directed.
And so there are seasons where I read, well, not now, transition past that point, but there
are seasons where I probably worship more than I read my Bible.
Like a lot of Christians neglect.
If we took a toll of these people on the call right now, I guarantee you, I can ask how
many people consistently read their Bible and we may not get a lot of hands raised.
So I don't know exactly what that represents to you that he says, probably because he said,
I don't have time for it, I travel too much.
But you may have associated that with his level of intimacy with the Lord or the type
of relationship he has with God, right?
Instead of just saying, okay, you don't read your Bible, okay?
That's interesting.
And then you could mention, hey, if you ever moved to a point of talking about future,
you ever advanced, you could have kept getting to know him and just made a note of that.
As you advance later on, you can say, hey, I know you like to go exclusive, but there
are some things you mentioned to me that I'm concerned about.
You said that you don't study your word.
And that's a big deal for me, because if I were to go exclusive with you, that means
that you will be a leader in our home.
And this is an area that I would like to see you grow in because then if all other things
checked and you say, I will go exclusive.
I want to see you grow.
Then you get an opportunity to watch him grow.
You get an opportunity to see him find community that helps him grow.
And so there are ways to go for that.
But whatever, when he said that represented to you, represented something else, represented
something else, like you had time to attach that with so many things, right?
Okay.
But when he said that, it kind of reminds me of this.
I was talking to this guy that I was absolutely in awe of, and he started making very cheeky
jokes, but they were sexual in nature.
Immediately, I lost all that.
Nothing, period.
It was as if I never even knew him.
Yeah.
And it caught me off guard.
And so the next day, I said, hey, you made these jokes.
I was uncomfortable with that.
That's not something that I will allow for in our conversation.
And he responded, it'll never happen again.
And it never happened again.
Instantly, when it never happened again,
I became back at all.
But literally, what he did, I was like, I don't even like you.
I was going to block him.
It was like this instant, like, ugh.
How did I ever consider you?
Oh, my goodness, you are disgusting.
Well, that's kind of how I felt, too.
And it's like just over the, because I teach the Bible.
I'm a Bible study leader, and I guess that just bothered me.
I'm like, no.
I don't want to fall into teaching you.
So you see, it wasn't just one thought.
It was a thought connected that you
were going to have to teach him, which is not the order.
Because he didn't ask you to be his teacher.
He didn't want you to be his teacher.
He gets to choose if he wants to learn his Bible.
You assume the role.
You're not his mama.
When he said that, you could have said, oh, my goodness.
This is challenging for me, because I'm a Bible.
I love the Bible.
I teach the word.
Can you tell me, like, what else stops you besides time?
Like, you could have explored that with him.
But somewhere in you outpaced yourself to the future.
Yeah, OK.
You see that outpacing, and you didn't have the infrastructure
to uphold that pacing.
Baby, you went to the future and said,
I'm going to have to teach this man the Bible.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's wrong?
When you could have stayed present in the moment,
but that also means you put some weight on something else.
You also futuristic something else before you got there.
It could have been the fact that he came around.
Maybe he's the one.
Or that after all this time, he came back.
There's so many different thought patterns that could
have got you to that place.
Something got you there.
Something made you believe you were going to have to teach
somebody the Bible.
Yeah.
Right?
And then it's like, forget that.
I ain't teaching no man no Bible.
I ain't got time.
I ain't over with it.
But so that's how that sounds.
I think that next time, you could just be like, wow.
You could still be explorative.
Because remember, you're in Dating for Discovery level 2.
But it's the history that outpaced you.
But you can't let your history outpace you.
Yeah.
OK.
You were supposed to have been still curious.
And like, wow.
And right?
OK.
So was that naturally like an avoidant type of attachment
thing that I kind of acted in?
I really wouldn't.
I really would encourage you not to label that.
I want you to see it for what it is.
This is what just happened.
Yeah.
Whether you are anxious or avoidant,
it has no consequence to this.
This is what happened.
Yeah.
He said something.
You were in the future.
You outpaced the infrastructure that you had.
You didn't have infrastructure to hold up
that type of comment or that thought pattern that you had.
You were in the future saying, you're
going to have to teach this man how to read the Bible.
Your thoughts weren't, oh, man.
What skill set do I have to encourage him?
I'm a teacher of the word.
What can I explore?
What can I ask him to get him excited about the Bible
possibly?
Or just to see where he's at.
He says, I don't have time.
Be like, oh, wow.
You never know when you share how much
you said the Bible would have lit something in him.
Right?
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, or you could have made suggestions if he ever asked,
not without him asking.
He probably could listen to it on Audible sometimes.
He probably could read one scripture a day
when he wakes up.
There's so many ways in curiosity that it could go.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's not a redo.
It's not an undo.
It's not a backdo.
It's a done deal.
Yeah.
But this is a great discovery for you.
And that's why I say nothing is wasted.
Yeah.
Because that one statement, you Zoomed it to the future
and you ended it.
You're not dealing with avoiding or anxious.
You already had some other stuff.
I would go back and process what else was playing
in the background too.
OK.
Because that is quick.
I know.
Yeah.
You could avoid him afterwards because you
said you needed time to process.
Yeah.
That doesn't feel good, but that's what you did.
Yeah.
I know.
And I didn't want to be like that, but what's that?
So you repeated.
The same pattern you did when he told you you didn't read the Bible instead of opening up your
mouth and saying something, you kept quiet. And then you did the next thing you could have said,
I got so thrown off when you told me you didn't read the Bible. I just need time to process this.
Yeah.
That's something I want you to practice in your next getting to know people,
practice using your voice.
Okay. That's good.
It's just being vulnerable. It's called vulnerability.
Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Ebony.
You're welcome. How interesting. Okay, ladies, it has been lovely.
I hope that you all have a good night.
Ebony, can I just ask a really quick question?
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay. Yeah. On Sunday after worship, I was talking with the preacher and his wife from
church about dating Wade. And they're like, well, when are you going to invite him to church?
And so I was just wondering, is that something that I should do at this point? Or I don't know.
I just remember hearing that to not visit each other's churches for a certain period of time.
Yeah. You guys are too much in, but I will tell you before inviting him to your church,
I would like to see him talk to you more.
Oh, okay.
I think it is interesting to me.
It's interesting to me that he wants to text you through the week instead of talking.
I want to see him under your request for more connection.
So for me, that needs to come first before you invite him to your church,
because you're moving on like everything is okay and it's not okay.
Right. Yeah.
You want more connection, right?
Oh yeah. Yeah. So I say do that first and then invite him to church.
Okay. Sounds good.
Okay. All right.
Thank you.
Oh, you, of course you're welcome. So the activation is,
it's going to get posted in the app and let me just tell you what it is.
You guys are going to pause before meaning making.
This is going to be really good.
You're going to start pausing before you make a meaning of things.
So we're going to practice this in some very simple ways.
It's going to be observation over interpretation.
So whether you're dating or not dating,
we want you to notice moments where you rush meaning, assume outcomes,
over-attach or decide something was a waste before enough information exists.
Y'all, I'm going to do this with you.
I practice it every day and I don't do very well with it.
Okay. Something kicks in is those old pathways in our brain.
And then when something triggers you, an emotion,
we want you to pause and ask yourself, what am I actually observing?
Like literally, what am I seeing?
What story am I attaching to this?
Just like Karen just said, did you hear that whole story?
She attached to that one thing he said,
one thing he said, she attached the story
that she was going to have to teach him the Bible
because he said he doesn't read his Bible.
And she attached the story to it and left the man.
He wouldn't even talk to him no more
because she attached the story to something.
So am I gathering information or rushing meaning?
And this was like the perfect example, right?
Or what might God be revealing here?
And so we're going to put these questions on there, right?
So this didn't work out.
What a waste.
You want to actually say, well, what did this teach me?
When someone's pulled back, do I actually have enough information
to determine why they pull back?
You know how we run our brain like, well, what happened?
Well, maybe it could be this, or maybe it could be that,
or maybe it could be this, or maybe it could be that.
We got to stop this stuff.
We don't know what it is.
We don't know the people.
We don't know what they're thinking.
Okay.
And so then there's going to be some sharing.
You can say this week, I noticed I was quickly assuming.
So we'll put these sentence stems.
I'm sorry if I'm saying too much that you're not able to track with me,
but we'll put these sentence stems for you to use.
So after you do all this noticing, you're going to say,
this week I noticed I was quickly assuming,
and you'll complete the sentence.
Or after I paused, I realized they weren't angry with me.
They were already upset about something.
Or I feel like God may be showing me that I am offensive
or I get off or I'm offended easily.
Or that, you know, I pile on a stress
or whatever the Lord may show you.
But that's going to be our activation and I'll get it posted tonight.
Sounds good.
You challenging us for real.
That's a big thing.
That's a big.
One of y'all ladies, I'm telling you,
if you didn't hear what I was reading, that is a doozy.
And I really, really want y'all to process.
I really want y'all to do this activation,
because this is a good one.
It's going to help retrain the pathways in your brain.
This really works with your brain.
Your mind is going to give your brain a new way to think,
and it's going to change your nervous system
if you keep working it over time.
And it really helps you to see things well.
OK, you're welcome, Laura.
All right, Shariah, enjoy your summer break.
I'm coming to Dallas for a conference.
I'm going to shoot your email.
I'm going to be up there June 5th, 6th, and 7th.
And we can have lunch or dinner or whatever, Ebony.
OK, I'm going to reach out to you.
OK, sounds good.
All right, and any other ladies that live in Dallas,
I'm not just choosing her.
I will post my whereabouts, and we can all get together.
All right, have a good night.
Rest well.
Thank you.