Now we're recording. Okay. So yes, welcome ladies. This is the one o'clock Eastern phase two
Call here for last year single. I'm Carla Johnson. I'm one of your coaches here
I am a success story. So I've been coaching now gosh
Over two years now. I kind of lose track of
Everything I I've been with Jackie since 2020 as a single and then I got married in
2023 and then right after I got married I started coaching with her. So
But I was doing a lot of stuff with her even in my single time as well. So
It's so good to be here. I'm so glad she did not kick me out of her program after I got married
I don't know what I would have done
this program definitely
This community was a saving grace for me. It has unlocked so much not just the marriage y'all
I hope you I like that's one thing that I really just feel in my heart to share
this community doesn't just
You know unlock
The possibility of you know, you get in your spirit mate, you know
I'm like that happens y'all it does but it's so much more than that
Okay
Like I cannot even begin to tell you like it would take me
Hours upon hours upon hours if I just told you all like what this community truly has done
in my life and all the full circle moments since I
before I met Jackie and what led me to find Jackie and then even after finding Jackie's community and all the full circle moments after
That all the things that are still happening. So I just want that to encourage you
And just you know, I really just hope that just gives you a little bit of a boost that yes
You're gonna get your husband and get so much more too. Okay, so
For those of that you just jumped on I had
everything that I was going to teach on today and then God kind of last-minute was like
No, you're gonna you're gonna
you're going to share with them kind of what I've been walking you through and
It pertains to a lot of the things that they're going through and dating and I'm like really okay, let's roll with it. So
It's definitely good to be here. But again, so nice to have those of you that are just joining us
And very new to phase two welcome heart work we still do that in here too as well
So don't think that you're getting a lot of that yet. All right
Did anybody sign up for Jackie's book club has anybody been able to do that good awesome
And everyone's starting to read the book
How are we liking it?
It's good. I still have to get my coffee. I told really good
I'm not able to go tonight because I have to go to a meeting. So my schedules flip-flop today
So I usually do the 8 p.m. With Ebony instead of daytime with you
So but yeah, really good. I think for me it really
Like we were praying this morning online. It really exposed
a lot of the lies and agreements that I partnered with in the Christian community about
About dating and marriage, I mean it was it's very humbling
How many allies that you've agreed with that other people have spoken over you
For and that's the thing is and people have the good intention and the good heart when they're sharing that
But it's so interesting how sometimes the enemy can come in and creep in and distort
What God means to like, you know, he wants to he wants to hear the good things
But in our trauma and on our own pain and our unhealed areas
We'll hear something different and we'll start distorting that and so that's kind of one of those
Little avenues that the enemy can use and so I'm glad that you ladies are getting something out of that book
I've got mine. I'm coming. So I'm excited to dig in
I told Bethany the other day I was like, you know, I told my husband I'm like
I know I don't need this book because I'm not dating
And of course, he's like I sure hope not
and
But I'm like, but I really want to get the wisdom because I know we do
Oh, I mean, this is what this phase is. It's it's the dating phase, right?
This is where you ladies are released to go and start dating and you're getting your toes wet or you're either just
Somebody's just diving in like they're going off the high dive. They're like, yes, let's go and then if you were like me
I'm like, uh, can I just put like a pinky toe and I'm not quite ready
and so it took me a little longer, so
I'm definitely excited to hear that. I'm so glad that y'all are having fun with that. Jackie is a riot. I absolutely love her
She has like you just have fun with her
Like you can't not have fun with Jackie like she is a good time
Let me tell you.
Okay, so glad that you are doing that.
If you do not have the book,
go ahead and make sure you're putting that on order.
I don't really have any other housekeeping things
that I can think of right off the top of my head.
Like I said, God said,
you're gonna do some other notes today.
And I was like, okay, I'm gonna roll with it.
So let me go ahead and pray for us.
And that might actually settle me into,
because like I said, I'm kind of like my,
I'm the mentality, like I'm a planner.
I have structure.
And so when that does not follow,
you'll see me a little discombobulated.
So that's probably what y'all seeing right now.
Little insight, when Carla gets a little fluster,
this is what you're seeing.
Oh, heavenly father, I just thank you.
I thank you for this day.
I thank you for this time together, Lord.
I thank you for the pressing.
I thank you for stretching that you allow for us
in this community.
I thank you for the space that you have given us
to be able to do that.
I thank you for just the trust and the honesty
and the vulnerability in this community
that you just provide wisdom and peace
and just care and compassion.
And I just thank you for the opportunity for that, Lord.
I thank you for the hearts in each and every woman
on this call today and in listening and replaying,
here in this community overall.
Lord, I appreciate all the things that you've done
through Jackie's ministry and what you've called her to do
and the connections that you have made
for so many of us women.
And I just thank you that we get to have this opportunity
and this experience to come together
and to lean on each other, to be vulnerable,
to be real, to be honest, to get to investigate
and see those areas where maybe we were seeing
distorted images of what it is
that you were wanting to share with us,
that in those thoughts where maybe the enemy
has distorted things and confused us,
that we get this opportunity to come together
as the body of Christ and we get to lean on each other
and we get to lean on you most importantly.
We get to come to you together
and that you can speak in us and through us
and use each and every one of us
and each and every one of the stories
that is represented here on this call today.
Lord, I thank you for that.
What's so special about this community
is the connections and the stories
that you have written for each individual.
You've written their story tailored just for them,
but you use their story to speak to all.
I thank you for that, Lord.
And I just ask that you come and be with us
in this moment today.
Just give us your word, Lord.
Give us what it is that you wanna speak to us.
And we're gonna just lay this call in your hands, Lord.
And I just thank you for that.
I'm expectant of what you wanna do here
in us and through us and I'm excited.
So in Jesus' name we pray, amen.
All right, ladies, do we have any other joiners?
No, I don't think so.
I think everybody's here.
That started the prayer with me.
Okay, so I was looking through our app.
And so ladies, if you're not posting in the app,
I really do wanna encourage you to do so, okay?
That's where, like I said, like when I was praying here,
your love story isn't just for you.
We're brought to this community,
like we are created to do community
and to do life with each other.
And so I know at times it gets really challenging
to open up and be vulnerable,
especially when we've been hurt in community
or having like, we've been hurt in relationship
and there's a lot of fear that surfaces in there.
And so I know that can be a challenge.
And so I just want you to spend some time
pressing into that a little bit.
You know, we're not asking you to spill all the tea, okay?
We're asking you to partner with God
and He reveal to you what He wants you to share, okay?
It doesn't have to be more than you're willing to share.
He's got you and He's gonna direct you
and give you peace about what it is about your story
that He wants you to share.
wants you to share in this community.
But I read through a lot of the comments,
and sometimes it does take me a little longer
to reply to you because I really do intentionally
spend time with the Lord
to really hear what it is that he's wanting to speak.
And so sometimes I have to kind of take a moment
to make sure that I'm separating parla
from what God is really wanting me to speak, okay?
And so, but when I get the opportunity to really,
like there's days where I just dive in
and I will just sit there and pray and journal
and just ask the Lord, like, you know,
read through y'all's, you know, post
and your replies and your comments.
And I'm like, you know, Lord reveal to me
what it is that, you know, is happening in their hearts
and what it is that you want them to know.
And I was doing that this morning
and I started seeing this,
the same thing kind of popping up.
And it's what, what's interesting is it's what we've,
what I've really been focused on
over the last several weeks in our teachings.
And I'm like, well, God, I think like,
I'm not gonna teach about that
cause we've already taught about that.
And so that's what I'm saying,
I literally had other stuff like planned.
Cause I'm like, no, like we've already,
we've already gone over this
so I'm gonna be a broken record.
And literally like right before I jumped on,
he's like, no, like this is really what I want them to hear.
Like, this is really important, Carla.
Like this is what's happening in their hearts.
And he's like, Carla, this is happening in your heart too.
And so there's a bigger message here
and it is going to really benefit things in their dating
because this is where a lot of this gets revealed.
He's like, Carla, remember a lot of this got revealed
to you in dating and it's where you started the process.
And he's like, and now you're in marriage
and blending your life and your family
and doing this for three years.
And he's like, and you're still like,
that's part of the process.
He's like, so this process is important
because it's going to carry into what promises
he has for you in marriage as well.
And I'm like, okay, Lord, whatever you wanna do,
whatever you wanna do, right?
And so, you know, a lot of the questions
that we keep asking why they all sound different,
they are actually very, very similar
in the sense that the questions at the core
are still wanting certainty
before there's enough information.
Okay, so if you've been on the calls
over the last couple of weeks,
if you've listened to any of the replays,
you will see that that's kind of where, you know,
God is kind of just sitting us there.
So I'm like, okay, God, for whatever reason.
So I really do think today he wants us to just sit
in a space and really learn to lean in and trust him
more than our need to know and understand things, okay?
And so I want us to focus on choosing
super natural surrender every single day.
And God brought me to remembering, you know,
that's when you all first joined this community,
in phase one, and you opened up that heartwork book,
the first step was supernatural surrender.
Ladies, that is an everyday thing, okay?
So really want you to focus on that today
and every day moving forward.
I want us to stay open and curious, okay?
Especially in this dating season,
allow God to reveal what it is that you need to know
when you need to know it.
That's huge, and I don't think that's just for dating.
I don't know about you all,
but that's always been a theme in my life.
If you're like me and just have this kind of tendency
to kind of have some anxiousness,
where like, and I'm a planner,
like I just need to know so I'm prepared.
So if that resonates with you, you feel me, okay?
So I just really want us to sit with that.
Like, that's a good, like, especially in that dating,
like, we want to know all the answers.
We want to know, is this the guy for us?
Is this, you know, what's this gonna look like
if I date him?
enter a relationship with this person, am I going to end up hurt? If I choose this person,
am I going to regret my choice? Is this going to be the right choice? Yes, Cynthia's like,
is this the right choice? Because a lot of us, maybe we had bad pickers in the past. I know I
did. I had a really bad picker, y'all. I came from a really unhealthy, I had a lot of really
unhealthy experiences and a lot of pain. I had a lot of guards up, a lot of trauma, a lot of hurt.
I was operating in that often. Because of that, I just wasn't picking very well.
I was allowing fear to dictate my choices instead of leaning on God to reveal to me
what the next step was. That's another thing, just keeping the Lord at the center
is so important. Ladies, you could be a brand new believer, you can be a believer
your whole life. That can be a struggle for all of us, no matter what season you are in.
Because the enemy is after each and every one of us that believe in our Heavenly Father.
He is coming to kill, steal, and destroy. You could have 30, 40, 50 years of
ministry and all these things, and guess what? You're not immune to it. You're not immune to,
you're not immune to, at times, getting a little bit off path, off course, distracted,
not centered on the Lord, just as much as you are if you're a brand new believer.
You're like, well, I'm brand new. I don't know how this is done. That was kind of me in the very
beginning when I first found the Lord, y'all. I did not grow up in a home that was centered on
the Lord. I was like, this is brand new. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes that was like
nice because I felt like I could give myself a little more grace, but now as I grow and I mature
in that, I'm like, well, I don't know if I can use that anymore. I just want us to keep that open
heart. I'm going to touch on a couple of things, and then I'm going to share some things that God
has been speaking to me, and I'm going to open up for your questions as well. We'll just see
where Holy Spirit leads us. Sound like a plan? Okay. The first thing is, and again, a lot of
this is probably going to be refreshers over the last couple of weeks because a lot of these things
I feel like we've discussed. That's why I was kind of telling God, but I'm like, we already
taught on this a couple of weeks ago. We don't need to do this again. He's like, no, you're doing
this. I'm like, okay, fine. Dating is designed, number one, dating is designed just to reveal
information. Okay. I feel like that one is definitely a very repetitive thing that we have
been sharing, especially in phase two. You will hear it all throughout phase two.
You know, dating is this, level two dating is discovery dating. Okay. We talked a lot last
week about how we often are coming emotionally in at a level three when really we need to still
be at a level two emotional level, that curiosity stage, you know, you know, we're just here to,
y'all, this is, this is when that Jesus take the wheel song comes up all the time for me.
Like, okay, Jesus, you are in the driver's seat of this dating experience.
I had to do that a lot when I was dating in this community,
put him in the driver's seat because your role is simply to observe, to gather information. I mean,
think about it like way back, you know, think about if you're ever going on a road trip when
you were younger, if you, if you and your families ever took road trips and your parents were the
ones driving or, you know, the adult was driving, or maybe you went with some friends or a grandparent
or whatever. And you just got to be in the backseat and do all the fun, like entertain yourself games.
Okay. Cause I don't think anybody on here is, is young enough where we had electronics.
Like I was just riding with my kids the other day and like, they're asking, Oh, can I bring
my switch? Can I bring, and I'm like, yo, we're going like an hour to two hours down the road.
Like what, like, what are we talking about? I'm sitting here thinking, man, you would not have
survived. You would not have survived my childhood because we have those little water push games
in the back, you know, and, and then we're sitting there playing like the, um,
the license plate games, which actually my kids because I we don't really I don't I don't really let them have a lot of electronics
They actually now they tap us like they
Happens like they straight-up hit us in the car
anytime they see a
License plate that has a different state on it because we're in Texas and so like I'll get hit and they'll say, Oklahoma
I'm like what like what are you doing? Like or like they'll hit me and be like, Illinois
Like that's a new one we don't typically see, Illinois, you know in the state so I want you to think back
You get to be in the backseat and you can just get to enjoy the ride you get to get to see the scenery
Like that's what you get to do that's what dating right now is for you
Just observe take in the information
Like don't grab the wheel. Jesus has got that
Stay present observe gather the information
Trust that God is going to reveal to you what you need to know when you need to know it
He's gonna reveal what matters most
The goal is not going to be to figure everything out. It's just to pay attention
Okay
Okay, if we can show up every day in these dates and and when we're talking to people just remember
Nope, right now. I'm just gathering information
I'm just collecting information and
Asking God what are you trying to reveal?
That's a supernatural surrender posture
Okay, number two
Certainty is definitely going to feel safer than curiosity
So once you think about this ladies
It's not just in dating maybe it's with your job maybe it's with your living situation
How often do we just want to know because if we know then then it's all good
This is me
you know, I'm
Blending a family right now and
We have three kids. They've experienced trauma. My two older kids lost their biological mother
She passed away
Six seven years ago. Okay, and so they've they've had a lot
They've had a lot going on in their life and their teenagers
So that and that in of itself y'all for any of you that were a teenager
We all were or have had teenagers you understand like that is just a very challenging season
it's and it's challenging even for me because I
Had a seven-year-old when I met my husband. I
Was not prepared
To take on teens right away. I thought I was I thought it was a pretty darn good mom and
Then I got thrown to teens
who had a lot of trauma and
So I most certainly clung to this I just need to be certain that these kids are gonna turn out, okay
They're not gonna hate me. Um
They're not gonna like
Wind up in jail. Like they're not gonna like I mean literally like I had so much fear
around these two kiddos that like their their life to me like I
Love and cherish like they're my own
and so I
Was fighting oftentimes?
needing just to know and
Control the outcomes of everything because if I could control the outcome then I would feel reassured that they were gonna be
Okay
But what I want you ladies to hear is that the root of a lot of that certainty
It's fear
The need for certainty
Is coming from a place of fear number one was that dating is designed for
Discovery we're just gathering information
So I want you ladies to think and I want you to this is a moment for us to really get real
vulnerable honest raw
Just sit with it for a minute. I really want you to ask
Holy Spirit to reveal to you
What is your one biggest fear?
when it comes to dating and
You can go ahead and share it in the chat
I mean, there's lots of different fears
You
And you might not you might not just have one you might have a handful of them and that's okay, too
That's a big one falling for the wrong guy like picking the wrong guy, right
Getting it wrong choosing the wrong person
You know
We might fear oversharing too soon, but Mika, what's that what's that rooted in what's if you overshare too soon then what?
What's that? What's what's the fear behind the oversharing too soon? There's still something I want you to go deeper there
The wasting time and getting hurt again. A lot of times people fear having to go back and
get
Feel like they're going through that same cycle again
They're getting hurt then
What are we fearing wasting time for what's the what's the big fear of that? That's a big one the wasting time
Rejected yes, that's it. That's a huge one a fear of rejection
Yes, yes, yes
So ladies that's where I want you to be thinking as when you have these moments where you feel like you have to just
know
because if I know
But ask yourself am I needing to know because I'm trying to protect myself
Am I going into self-protection
Because curiosity is going to ask questions here is going to demand answers
So if you're coming from I need answers you're probably being driven by fear
but if you're coming from a place of curiosity and wanting to ask more questions, and you're saying hey, I
Know what do you what do you mean by that? Like, you know, I'm curious. Do you?
Is it important to you to be talking three or four times a day with somebody that you?
Aren't really interested in
You know, I mean, I'm just throwing that out there. I mean again like there's things that like maybe
Trigger us or something or that freaks us out
Or maybe it's not moving fast enough or maybe you know, we're not attracted to them and we're not sure like I just need to know like
How long do I need to stay and this is a big question that I get Carla?
How long do I need to be in level two until?
It's okay to be exclusive with somebody
That's a big one
About how long do I need to be in level two until it's okay to be in level two until I'm not attracted to them
About how long and y'all I wish I could give you an answer, but there really isn't
I will tell you how how long God tells you
And make sure that it's God telling you and not fear
Okay, so that's huge
I
Want you ladies to stay curious
so if you're if
You are dating someone and there's still some things you're not sure about but there are other things that you do like
other things are clicking and aligning and
You're like wow, I
Like how he is
Respecting my boundaries. He's thoughtful. He's showing up. He's intentional. He's planning a date. He's doing this
I'm just not sure
I'm physically attracted to him
But I enjoy my time that I'm spending with him because I really like how he's showing up as a man
This is new for me, maybe I'm not used to guys being intentional
You're still in that curiosity stage. You don't owe him exclusivity
You get to stay open and and be learning
Okay
but the big part here too is are you staying connected here in our community and
Discussing this with your coaches and your sisters here so that we can help you navigate and walk through that
Because ladies I will tell you we will tell you
when
You're holding on to something that it's time to let go of it
and
Then we're gonna tell you ladies
Well sounds doesn't sound like anything to throw in the towel just yet just stay curious
You know, you're not exclusive yet you're not tied to one person, okay
All right, let's move on to three because this is another one that because I was talking
a little bit about this the attraction part.
It's not always going to be fireworks ladies.
You know attraction does matter like this is the thing that like I think it gets misinterpreted
when we coach this sometimes it's like well if he's ugly I'm still but he's nice I'm still
supposed to date him.
Y'all I before I joined this community I was in a very wounded place I did date someone
that I was not physically attracted to and I thought because he was funny and everybody
liked him and like he was like the life of the party but y'all he was he was you know
he's just he was not attractive I was not attracted to him and I just thought why you
know but everybody likes this guy but y'all he wasn't treating me well but I kept giving
him excuses because I thought I had to because well the only reason is because I'm basing
it off his looks but everybody else likes him so I should like him too.
Well no I shouldn't have liked him because he really wasn't respectful to me.
He wasn't being considerate he was more about everybody liking him than him being intentional
to me and honoring me and being respectful to me and holding my boundaries.
So attraction is important but it's not immediate always.
I would rather you ladies spend time with someone that's going to pour into you and
show you what intentional masculine healthy mature attraction looks like with the heart
then the chemistry the fireworks the passion the physical like you know let's just get
married quickly so we can have fun you ladies know I'm talking about all right like yes
that is going to be important as you continue to grow in knowing them but don't think that
that's going to have to be immediate right out the gate it might take a couple months
of intentionally getting to know them and seeing how they show up I want you to look
for compatibility an alignment you know where fireworks sometimes are more about the intensity
of it is it familiar are you getting a dopamine hit are you being emotionally activated sometimes
the attraction is emotionally activated by some of our stuff from our past that's not
healthy because we're responding in some of our old patterns so healthy attraction is
going to grow through trusting learning to trust somebody and again we're not trusting
someone right out the gate like there's a little it there's a in the teaching world
that I'm going back to my days when I was a teacher we used to call it is gradual release
of responsibility or scaffolding you kind of like you went in with a little bit of like
okay I'm going to kind of start you off with something and then gradually release some
something's you we're going to we're going to we're not going to go from zero to a hundred
with the trust but we're going to have to trust you with little bits and pieces and
see how you handle little bits of trust first we're going to start off small and then we're
going to continue to grow that as we continue to get to know know you that's emotional safety
it's through friendship okay consistency consistency is another one that is y'all you can't have
consistency unless there's time so that consistency is not going to happen if you're trying to
cut and run after one week or two dates but two dates you're like okay like there's some
things I really like about this person I don't think I'm like head over heels y'all I was
getting to know my husband for three weeks before like and I really didn't know if I
necessarily wanted to date him y'all I almost bailed out of our first in-person date because
I was like I just don't know I wasn't sure
Like we had a lot of conversations and I'll and you ladies I won't be honest. I didn't do everything correctly. Okay, and
I'll throw some of it
I'll throw some shade at my husband and say some of it was his fault because he was an open book and he overshared way
Too much. I was like and that was another thing
I was like Jackie this man is like over sharing and I don't like and so I was ready to cut and run really quickly
But she's like just go have a date and have fun. I'm like fine
So it's about three weeks that I was like, I just don't know
And then over time and consistency he really did show up
consistently
He was intentional
there was
Something so different about him. It was different for me. And that's why I was a little bit and because it was new and
so
the attraction grew
And it didn't grow right out the gate. It took a little bit of time
Okay, and I had I've had it even
scaled back my talking about that in front of my husband because I've noticed that's like hurt his feelings at times because he was
really insecure and
At times he's like I just thought you were drop-dead gorgeous in that like I don't know why you would choose me
And so I'm like, oh my gosh, like I probably shouldn't share share that right out the gate
and I didn't like really like early early on but you know, I it it goes both ways and
in relationships, so
I want you ladies to be asking yourself. I
Don't want you to ask. I don't don't ask yourself. Well, how do I feel about everything right now in this very very moment?
Is it a yes or it's a no, okay
We always say it's a yes until it's a no
so
Go into that war with curiosity and less about needing to know. Is it yes, or is it no?
That question is supposed to prompt curiosity not definite. Okay, so instead ask yourself
Is there enough?
curiosity
And attraction of things I do like to continue to learn more about this person
Do you want to continue to get to know them do you enjoy being around them?
Are your boundaries being honored?
What's going on inside you? Are you?
Responding in a healthy way around this person or are is being around this person kind of
Patterns that are making you a little bit like oh gosh. Oh gosh. Oh gosh. I had a date like that once
this guy was
One he dropped a lot of um
He dropped a lot of f-bombs
You know and i'm not one of those i'm not one of the I mean
I'm not one of those people where
People's bad mouths don't offend me. I'm not one of those people
I'm not one of those people where people's bad mouths don't offend me
Like i'm just like whatever, you know, um
I don't necessarily want to be around it all the time. I can tell you that much
you know, but
That is not gonna be like oh, that's an absolute no for me like but for some people it is and that's that's fine
um
but he was dropping it a lot for me to be like
It to notice it because I won't really notice it often like if someone just slips up I won't really notice it
But this guy I noticed it
and i'm like jeez, like
i'm sitting there looking at like
the table next to me like
Are they offended by how many f-drums? I have bobsies dropping like whoa
um, and I you know, we asked a lot of questions about you know
How long he lived in because I was living in sarasota he was in st
Pete and I said, okay. How long have you been here? Like what you know?
What what do you you and some of your friends do like do you know?
He didn't have any of that. He lived he had lived with all these girlfriends
he literally went from living with one girlfriend to another to another and that was another thing that I was like
He sounds like a habitual like i'm just gonna move in with my girlfriend and i'm like i'm not moving in
Like if I become a girlfriend i'm not moving in
And um
We went to a concert and
It was crowded and he would like touch and get close to me because it was a lot of crowd
And I could feel myself get activated
of like oh
This feels
Like i'm being seen
It feels like i'm being accepted. It feels like someone is paying attention to me
And I like it
I mean the guy was very attractive
He was a very good looking man
And I was like, uh-oh, this isn't good, this is bringing out that part of Carla that wants
the, like, oh, this is nice, okay, you want to grab my hand and like, okay, like, that's
where, and I'm like, I'm getting that feminine, like, okay.
And y'all, I came home from that date and I jumped into this community and I shared
it with my sisters, I'm like, y'all, I noticed something about myself.
I could tell how the old me would have been way okay kissing that man on a first date.
I was physically attracted to that man, I was feeling seen, I was feeling special.
But I'm like, ladies, he's dropping F-bombs and he lives with these girlfriends, and my
response is like, well, maybe I should give it a try, no, that's a no, like, because now
I'm sitting there, now I'm having to activate and see, okay, but how am I responding, am
I responding healthy?
So now, instead of looking at the man and trying to pick him apart, I'm reflecting inward
and being like, am I making a good choice, am I acting out of a healed heart or an unhealed
fearful heart, which one am I responding to?
And I had this community and I had my sisters here, and so it was my way of holding myself
accountable.
And guess what?
I think I messaged him like, hey, thanks for the date, I got home safely, because I ended
up driving up to St. Pete because that's where the concert was, and I just thanked him.
He never asked me out again, I didn't tell him I wanted to go out again, he didn't ask
me if I wanted to go out again, I didn't overthink, what if he asked me out again,
what am I going to do?
I was just like, well, I'll be polite and say, hey, thanks for the date, I got home
safe, appreciate it, and then guess what, I'm going to leave it to him, I'm going to
leave it to him to reach out to me and see where, because I'm not sure, because I'm like,
if I trust myself and he reaches out, or I tell him that I want to go on another date,
I'm like, I might be setting myself up for something I don't want to.
And guess what, ladies, I didn't have to worry about having to let him down, or freak myself
out if I was capable of doing it, because guess what, God just never had that guy come
back around.
And I was like, man, I dodged a bullet.
I didn't have to sit there and think, what was wrong with me, why isn't he asking me,
I was just like, Lord, whatever that was, I saw how I was acting, I checked myself,
and I trust that that's all you needed me to see, and I'm done with that.
So make that door stay closed.
Okay, so that's, I hope that helps with some of that attraction stuff, for some reason
I'm not seeing all these things in the chat.
Okay, moving forward.
Another question is that spiritual leadership being revealed through patterns.
Okay, this is a big one.
Because obviously, ladies, you want a believer, you want a man who loves God, like, I'm not
telling you, go get into a relationship with someone that is not, whose heart is not going
for the Lord.
Okay, that is not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is, you're not going to rush, whether or not and be able to determine if
that man is going to be able to spiritually lead by just a couple moments, by just a couple
dates.
You need to see patterns, not moments.
So a lot of times, like, this is maybe not what you're going to want to hear, ladies.
You may not find out about his ability to spiritually lead until you're in exclusivity,
because you've been dating for several months, then the exclusivity happens.
And then in the exclusivity, the patterns might start really, truly revealing themselves.
And guess what?
You may have.
to break up with someone after exclusivity.
We have a lot of people in those type of relationships
that happens.
Believe it or not, we have, we call it SIMBAS.
It's actual thing, it's called
Save Your Marriage Before It Starts.
We have a lot of couples that go in,
they're in exclusive relationships,
they're thinking and talking about engagement.
They go into that course.
I know Bethany and Brian teach that.
And they realize they are not compatible.
They are not in alignment.
And they break things off.
And I mean, they've been exclusive for a hot minute.
And I don't say that to scare you,
I'm saying that for the reality of this needing to know
whether or not a man is going to spiritually
lead right out the gate.
Sometimes you're not gonna see that.
What you want to look for,
what can help you look for that in the early stages,
the patterns you're looking for, is he teachable?
Is he teachable?
Is his heart open to being transformed?
Is he hard or is he like bendable?
Does he pursue God consistently?
That doesn't mean necessarily
he's going to church every week, ladies.
And just because somebody goes to church every week
does not mean they have a relationship with God.
There's a lot of lukewarm Christians out there.
There's a lot like,
yeah, I just actually listened to this teaching
and it, whoo, God showed it to me.
He's like, Jesus had 12 disciples.
12 close, close disciples were with him every single day.
Yet one of them didn't believe in him.
Betrayed him.
Didn't believe he was Lord.
And he was with him every single day.
Judas was with Jesus every single day.
So just because they go to church every single week
does not necessarily mean they're following the Lord.
They could just be behind him
and just kind of watching him from a distance here,
kind of just following along with him.
Staying with him every day,
just to kind of see what he's doing.
But guess what?
When it's not, when it wasn't paying off for Judas,
he went to go get something from it.
And he betrayed him.
And then like, so we know the story, right?
I mean, we could go on and on for that.
So I'm just, and again,
I don't share these things to freak anybody out,
but just more so like, you're not gonna know right away.
You're gonna need to see how they show up over time.
So God is gonna reveal to you
and show you how someone's gonna pursue him.
You gotta ask the Lord,
just show me ways that he pursues you.
Is this man taking responsibility for things?
Does he take responsibility?
Does he have kids?
Does he take responsibility for his kids?
Does he take responsibility for his job?
Does he take responsibility for friends and family
that are nearby?
Does it, you know, does he have a home?
Does he take responsibility for that?
Like, what is he responsible for?
Is there evidence of fruit?
You'll hear Jackie say, let's be fruit inspectors,
not gift inspectors.
Just cause someone's sitting there speaking in tongues
doesn't mean they have the fruit of the spirit.
And how does he handle adversary?
Ladies, a lot of you in those first couple of dates,
in those first stages,
you're not gonna see them in tough moments.
You don't, I mean, let's be real.
How often do we like show our chefs,
like our moments with someone that we're dating
until we're like a few months in?
You need to see how they're going to handle
like a tough situation.
God was really, really good to me
when I was dating my husband.
Because I just wanted to be friends with him
on one day.
Cause I thought
without him, we don't understand one another.
I had to see my husband handle a situation
I just wanted to be friends with my husband.
that I would have freaked out about.
And I was very impressed about how he didn't respond
So I'm like, Oh, maybe I should tell you
the way that I would have responded.
He got his car towed.
Now, he lived in Texas and I was in Florida.
And so, he had a rental car.
And so, he was stuck and had gotten towed.
And I'm sitting here thinking,
well, you can't stay here.
Sorry.
And he didn't freak out.
He just handled it.
He took care of what he needed to take care of.
It didn't faze him whatsoever.
And I'm like, I would have been a hot mess.
I would have had probably a full-blown panic attack.
I'm not from here.
That was a rental car.
It's towed.
What am I supposed to do?
I would have lost my mind, right?
And so, seeing my husband,
at the time, he wasn't my husband,
but seeing him in that moment of a tough situation
and how he handled and composed himself,
I was like, dang, that's attractive.
I mean, I was like, you're not staying with me,
but if I wasn't a believer,
I probably would have invited you into my house.
Like, that wasn't gonna happen, but yes.
That was very, like, I could see such fruit in him.
He handled himself with so much masculinity and maturity
that I was like, well, that's what I wanna see.
So, those are the things that you're looking at.
When we're sitting here thinking,
well, I don't know if this man's gonna spiritually lead me,
well, we're not gonna necessarily know that
right out the gate because we're in level two.
Like, that's a big order
because when we're asking for a man to be a spiritual leader,
that's a husband level.
And if we're in level two,
like, we just don't know what that looks like quite yet
because we need to see what their patterns are.
We need to see how do they handle themselves
in other situations, not just situations with me.
I need to see how they're handling situations
with other people.
And so, the last thing I wanna get into,
and this is kind of what God was really, really showing me,
and you might've seen my post in our community,
and I'm gonna add a little bit to that
because it had some things to do
with what I thought was dating,
but there's other things that I had processed through
when I had posted that,
is this, you know,
what is God asking you to trust in this process?
You know, God isn't withholding.
He's inviting us to trust Him deeper
because even if we had the answer,
would you still seek Him?
Would you still seek the Lord if He gave you the answer?
Because would it look like the answer that you'd want?
Or would it look like an answer that looked too hard?
Trusting God's timing is not always an easy thing.
And like what I shared, ladies,
is, you know, it was about like nothing being wasted, right?
I have it pinned to the app.
It really is, you know,
not needing to know about where it's going.
It's just be like, God, what are you revealing?
And being okay that you can still have peace
without having the answers.
And so having the answers would be that certainty piece.
And so I want to really encourage you ladies
to begin to release the need for that knowing.
And so this is something that, you know,
when I was praying, this is what God was speaking to me
and what I shared with my whole community,
like on my own social media page,
was that for the last couple of months,
God's just really been bringing me back
to this word release.
Like He spoke this word over me
in the middle of the night one night
when I was just, I was struggling spiritually.
Like I couldn't sleep.
I was tossing and turning.
felt like I had a lot of anxiety,
like I just felt all this pressure.
And I could just hear God say, release, release.
And I'm like, but what am I releasing?
Like, I don't know how to just release this, right?
And it's like, he's like,
well, you need to release the need to know.
You need to release the need for control
and you need to release certainty.
And, you know, I would love to say that I got that word
and I immediately felt so much peace, but I didn't.
I knew God was speaking to me,
but I didn't know what that looked like.
And over time, over these last couple of months,
what he's been revealing is that
peace doesn't come after we get the answer.
It doesn't come with knowing everything.
It doesn't, like we were never meant
to carry all the knowledge.
And he reminded me of the garden.
It's like Adam and Eve were never supposed to
eat from the tree of knowledge.
That wasn't for them.
And so he's like, you were never meant
to carry all of the knowledge
because it belongs to me.
All that knowledge belongs to God.
And so it's the peace it's finding is
trusting the one who does have all the answers.
That he's not always withholding us from it.
He's actually inviting us into something so deeper
and more intimate with him
and it's putting him in the center.
And when we focus on the answers,
we actually miss out on the adventure
that we get to go on with him.
We don't get to step, if we already knew,
we don't get to step in that day
not knowing what's gonna happen
and get to go on that adventure with him.
We don't know what that looks like.
But what if God's like, you know what?
I'm gonna give you the answers when you need to know them
because then that's when you're gonna know it's from me.
So if you have the peace
that you don't need to know right out the gate
and there's just enough for you to stay,
like I'm giving you like, hey,
there's enough curiosity in this situation
and with this date to continue.
And he might reveal to you what he's revealing to you
and what you're responding to could be fear.
And he might be inviting you into that space with him.
Carla, come to me with your fear.
Let's walk through this.
I'm not gonna remove the fear from you right now
by telling you the answer that you think you wanna know.
I'm gonna get to the root of that fear, Carla,
and I'm gonna start healing that.
Right now, you just need to stay curious
and you need to stay open.
And when it's time, I will let you know
that I'm gonna be there for you.
And when it's time, I will let you know
what you need to know when you need to know it.
It's about seeking his kingdom first.
Trusting before understanding.
Resting before you have the certainty.
So a lot of these questions, ladies,
I know we want the answers.
We want the, you know, Carla, Ebony,
tell me what I need to do.
Like, what's this?
What's it look like this?
I would love to be able to say,
oh, like Karen, Cynthia,
like I have all the answers for you.
God's giving me the answers to give to you.
Then I would turn around and be like,
does God have answers to my questions?
Will you give those to me?
It doesn't work that way, though.
It doesn't.
It really is about sitting in a peace
without having the understanding.
He's not keeping anything from you.
He's inviting you to trust him more.
We want the details.
We want the timeline.
We want the why.
Because we think if we trust him,
why?
Because we think if we have it, we're gonna rest.
But honestly, how often have we ever really gotten rest
and peace from knowing the answers?
I don't know about you all,
but typically I just get more questions.
Or project more things onto something.
Because I'm now like, well, does it mean this?
Does it mean that?
what if we stopped and we sought God and said okay maybe it's not about needing
to know where the person is that I'm dating and know more about them but God
what are you revealing about me what are you trying to show me what are you
trying to teach me what are you trying to show me am I holding on to something
that you're asking me to release is there a fear that this is rooted in that
you're highlighting to me that I need to let go of
so I would love love love to have all those answers for you ladies and we can
give you like the wisdom we can give you you know we can give you some sound
advice and there are times we do and women in our community absorb that
wisdom and they're they're partnering with the Lord in that and guess what
they they get breakthrough like it happens I did that I also did the times
when I asked for wisdom and I asked for you know answers and I'd get something
and guess what I'd get the wisdom and it wasn't the answer that I wanted and I
didn't listen I wouldn't always listening to Jackie
believe it or not and I still did it my way and I kind of had to go through some
cycles and I had to kind of do some of the things that like repeatedly kept
showing me a pattern that was in me and I was like oh so there are times that
we're gonna give you the wisdom and we're gonna give you the answers and you
know ladies we will see that sometimes you won't want to hear it and that's
okay you're on your own you're on your journey with the Lord the Lord's got you
the Lord had to do that with me like he took me through it because I'm very
stubborn believe it or not and I would love to give you the answers that you
want to hear and sometimes I do sometimes we're gonna give you the
answers that you need to hear because that's what God is trying to reveal to
you and God is gonna give you the grace we're gonna give you the grace and we do
that because we've been there
got lots of hands up I want to make sure that we have time for those there we've
got five of them so it's gonna be good today I know this was probably heavy
like I said I I thought I had something prepared and God kind of gave me
something last minute he's like no this is what you're gonna do and I'm like
whoa okay we're just gonna pull some things that I have and we're gonna go
with it so let's start okay Laura I'm gonna start with you okay I got six
hands now so we got to be quick six hands the Laura I know some of your
stuff so don't don't fill me in with all of the details but let's get straight
to the question and we'll go from there okay um yeah I don't know if you saw the
post that I did last night or whatever in the app I did yeah okay yeah cuz I
haven't had a chance to look and see but um yeah so it's mainly about that um I
haven't had a chance to have a conversation with him about okay either
of those two issues or whatever it's like literally like I had a crazy
Wednesday and then I went out on Thursday and yeah I was really busy I
was at a conference just to fill the ladies in is and kind of do this as
quickly so we can get through more people you were gonna like Abby you got
coaching from Ebony to kind of talk to him about communication right you wanted
to see a little bit more communication but you did not have that conversation
with him instead some other things kind of came up that made you like he shared
with you about how he was probably should have been at church but instead
he was doing something for like a work project is that correct yes yes and so
did you said you haven't seen Ebony's response to that have you no I have not
so Ebony's response and then after I read it my response was gonna be very
similar was what what are what exact I mean we need more detail about what
exactly makes makes you believe that he's not going to be a spiritual leader
was it just because he just said that he wasn't going to church when he should
have been and he was doing something for his job
Yeah, it was primarily that.
It was that?
I didn't hear you, I'm sorry.
Yeah, it was primarily that, yeah.
Okay.
So yeah, this is where I'm going to have you slow down, okay?
This is that part, like that was just one moment.
That was not what you're seeing consistently from him.
And so that's where, I don't know if you, when you jumped on, but I talked about looking
for patterns to see if men are teachable, if they are consistent with pursuing the Lord,
if they are being responsible in their life, if there's fruit, how do they handle tough
situations?
Those are going to be better indicators to see how they can lead a wife and a home.
Does that make sense?
Yes, yeah.
So I want you to sit with that, I really want you to, and I can go in and we can respond
a little bit more in depth now that we know that piece, that that's where that was coming
from was the, you know, just that comment that he made about not being at church.
But I'm going to, I'm going to encourage you to kind of sit with some of these fears that
are surfacing because that's what I'm noticing is when it was about the communication and
now it's the church and him like not leading spiritually.
So what, what fears are coming up in you and what are some of the patterns that you're
seeing in yourself that you think God is trying to highlight?
Okay.
That's not the answer you want to hear, is it?
Well I knew like after I like did the post that I was probably like, yeah, like the response
that like I was probably going to get was like to be more curious because I don't really
know exactly like what his church attendance looks like.
So yeah, to maybe just be curious about that or whatever.
Yeah.
What's, but there's, I feel something is, there's something stuck.
There's something.
Well yeah, I think it kind of stems now that you're talking about that from my relationship
with the ex.
So early on, like he had an issue with like his church and I kind of like stepped in and
encouraged him to like go back to church and whatever.
And so I guess I'm just afraid that like, I don't want to be like this person that needs
to like encourage someone to like, to go to church or whatever.
It has to like come from them.
I mean, I can't be like, yeah, saying, okay, let's, let's go or whatever.
So let me ask you, this is going to be a tough question.
Very beginning when you first started getting to know Wade, right.
There was some excitement there.
Remember Greg was telling Wade about you, like you, you, you, there was some interest
there.
There was some excitement with that.
Right.
Yeah.
So you get, there's a motion there that's excitement.
And now that there's some motion, some forward motion with that, it's getting a bit scary.
And so I want you to stop and spend time with the Lord to say, okay, what, what am
I believing that's keeping me from stepping into more excitement and curiosity that it's
actually holding me and keeping me in a place of fear to not move forward and to not find
more information out and to not, you know, say, okay, God, I need, I need, I need time
for you to, to reveal some things to me because when you're operating in that fear and that
needing to know, and just, I just don't want this to happen.
we're projecting that to happen.
In our brain, we're already playing out
what are we gonna do if this happens?
Well, I don't want that to happen,
so do I need to go ahead and cut out?
Do I need to find something wrong first
so that I potentially can save myself
from something that I don't know is gonna happen?
Yeah, I think, yeah, my brain goes to like a lot of times,
like, yeah, even though he's never shown me
any red flags or everything's been great, whatever.
Yeah, see, that's what I'm saying.
We haven't really seen any red flags.
Yeah. Right, yeah.
Like, there's been green flags.
There might be some yellow flags.
I think the concerns are coming from where your fears.
It's that needing to look and see
what is God wanting to heal in your heart?
What is it that you're believing?
What still needs to be healed?
What breakthrough needs to still kind of come there?
And God is gentle.
He's not gonna show it to you all at once.
He doesn't.
I mean, he's gonna be gentle with that.
And it sounds like Wade is a safe,
respectful, honorable, mature man
to be able to navigate that with in this season.
Doesn't mean that he's your spirit mate.
Well, yeah, because I remember like a couple of weeks ago
when I had the conversation with him
about whether he was marriage-minded and whatever.
Right.
Yeah, and he even told me then,
because I just prefaced it,
when I needed to ask him something,
and he's like, yeah, you can ask me anything and whatever.
And so he's very open, so yeah.
And I think that's, you're gonna learn
if you kind of let some of your walls down a little bit
and let go of some of this fear
of I'm gonna make the same mistake,
or I'm gonna have to do this again.
You get to take those things that happened in your past,
and they don't have to be reoccurrences.
They actually get to be lessons of wisdom.
You get to use your past as a stepping stone.
As growth.
And so you get to see, okay, this is how it was back then,
but now I'm approaching it in a different way
because I'm healthier.
I'm not afraid of anything.
And so I want you to sit and spend time with the Lord,
and I want you to begin to really receive that healing
and that peace over you.
I think that's important.
Okay.
Yeah, I will do that.
I really think that there's breakthrough,
and I think that's why you're experiencing this,
and there is that tug, there's that tension that's there
because God is about to take you
through some breakthrough, and it's the invitation.
Okay?
Okay.
Girl, I am proud of you for all,
you are showing up, ladies.
I want you to take a little clip from Laura.
She's been showing up, she's been getting vulnerable.
This has not been an easy walk.
It's not easy kind of stepping out into dating,
especially when we've got past hurts
from previous marriages.
That's not an easy, easy thing to do.
But she-
Well, yeah, I remember the first date back in April,
my heart was pounding for hours prior,
and I was about to text him and cancel or whatever,
but I was like, no, if I cancel,
then I'm never gonna move forward, so yeah.
And so that's what I'm saying.
She's moving, she's taking those steps forward,
she's showing up in community, she's posting.
And here's the thing, she's being real and honest with us
of where she's at.
Like, that's all we ask, ladies.
And we all can relate.
And you're doing great.
Like, Laura, you are getting growth.
Like, God is doing some great things in you.
So I want you to celebrate how far you've come.
All right, thank you.
Yeah, I mean, if it wasn't for this program,
I'm sure I would not be dating, so yeah.
Girl, I'd still be single if it wasn't for this program.
Right, yeah.
For sure.
Thank you, Carla.
All right, Kiernan, how are you?
Hi, I just want, yay!
I'm so glad they let me.
it come in and just, I want to, I'll keep it real short, but I
wanted to first of all, just say thank you face to face, because
that's what hurt, you know, my heart was sad. It's like, Oh, I
didn't know I couldn't come back after I go to phase three in my
situation. So thank you so much for everything you've done. I
just wanted to say that. And I'm glad I I'll see you
in phase three. If you're in the Facebook group, or I don't know,
do you Facebook group or that we they have the app too. But if
you post in there, like I do go and check up on you ladies. So
keep me updated because I do pop in and like respond to some
great, and I wanted to do something that actually feels a
little I don't know, I feel a little risky, a little nervous,
but it's it's something I know God put on my heart just to real
briefly share something that is just like real strong in my
heart. And it's a pearl. And it's like something that's a
big part of God's call on my life. And it's actually and it
you know, it's probably something that's new to many
people that I've experienced, you know, anyway, maybe here. So
just as I share the pearl, I just want to encourage people
just to listen to understand and, and, and ask God to show
you whatever because I am depending on the Lord, I think
is always the bottom line. And, and also just to do whatever
God shows. So and here's what it is. Actually, basically, the
whole the whole view that the scriptures teach that the
husband is the spiritual leader of the wife, I know is a very
popular view. And I believe that for a long time, I did ask the
Lord to show me the truth, actually, right when I came to
the Lord, and had the opportunity like to go to
seminary and study in the Greek and study real thoroughly and
talk with a lot of people, and all that. So I just want to
mention, just so people know that there actually are wrong
translations that anyone can check, like in Ephesians five.
And, and there are actually wrong interpretations of the
word head. Like when in the first century, when it was used
with in relationship to the body, it actually meant source
or source of life, not leader, like our modern definition. And
so I, the the one thing that Jim, I wanted to just leave with
people is, and I can put something in the chat, you know,
if anybody wants to follow up, you know, but
can you post in the, in the app?
I can do it. Yeah, I think I can access the app. Because that I
stay in there.
Oh, okay. I'll put it in the app. Oh,
yes, that was saying there and then that way, like, because
then the women when they go on, like, they can always
screenshot what you what you said. And like, they can keep
that. Right. So I just like some things that like, like you
ladies share in the community that like, when you say, like,
ladies, I'm not screenshotting your questions and all that kind
of stuff. Like, when their messages to me, like, like,
ladies will send messages like Carla, thank you for like, I
keep those because those are special to me, because y'all
are special to me. Like, being on this journey in this walk
with y'all is, is a privilege and honor. Like, there's days
I'm like, why? It's like, why God chose me to do this. I'm
like, I don't know why, but I'm thankful for it. So those kinds
of things. So if there's something that like, in that's
impressing, that you can share that.
I will, I will do that. Suggestion. That's a great
suggestion. So thank you. And I just want to affirm to, I'm not
into the woman being the spiritual leader of the man.
Like, no.
It really is like, it's, it is a it's a partnership. It's a
partnership of the Lord. And it's that it's the treat, like
it's the trio, like it's husband, wife, and God, like,
all three, just like Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Um, it's the
husband and the wife coming together is the perfect image of
God. And so you need both. Yeah, the other one's not dominating
over the other it is, it is clearly a coming together. And
yeah, there's compatibility there. And, and you've been
where you've been married before, right?
No, the Lord showed me not to get married.
No, but to do my hard work for a day. Well, you are well,
marriage is on you because I do like that. Like, that's where
like, when you lay like those of you that have been married will
understand those I was never married until now, where once
you get married, you do realize like, that's what all of that
means that that
grafting kind of together. There is a maturity that comes with it. And again, kind of sacrificing
a self like, you know, yes, your husbands love your wives, like Jesus love the church,
there is a sacrificial love in that. And then the wife is a submission like to your husband,
it's beautiful. And we could do a whole teaching on that and get so much input, but
we don't have time for that. But yeah, like, there really is a beautiful
thing with marriage that God really truly designed. Like it is divine, and it is absolutely
wonderful. And yes, scripture can get distorted, y'all. Satan knew the word of God.
Definitely. Actually, the word submit is not the word submit is not in verse 22 wives submit to
your husbands and anyone can check it because it's got to the verse before which is submit
one to another another yet submit one to another way like you like you honor each other like yeah,
there's just so many we could Yeah, we could dive in and on. I love it. And I love talking about
this. I love me too. I love like God just revealing just his his nature in all of it. And
it's it's gorgeous. So yeah, and it actually causes more abuse of women and girls where there's a view
of one person being the leader, the authority there. I mean, the research is solid across
the world. So it's important and women are the keepers of the home. Like, my husband knows like
I'm kind of the one in charge of the home and the kids. He partners with me. I'm not I mean,
I'm not making all the decisions. We make the decisions together. But I'm the one that like,
I kind of help organize it so that he can go and provide and support like do the things that he
needs to do to cover and get like what he needs to do for our family. Like he can't do all the
things he needs me to be his helpmate. Like, that's what I do. But guess what? I got kids in
a home that you best believe I know how to lead them. So yeah, okay, that's all I don't want to
take too much time, but I'll put it in. So it's such an honor. I've loved it. You've done a great
job. Oh, thanks. Okay, next. All right. Okay, I got Cynthia. See, how are you?
Hi, I think I'm Susan wanted to go next because she's got to get off. Okay. I'll come after
Susan. Okay. Thank you, Cynthia, for doing that. Hey, Susan, how are you? Oh, thank you, Cynthia.
I appreciate that. Did Ebony did Ebony reply? Because I know I just saw today that you had a
post. Did Ebony reply to you? Or do you still need some? Yeah, she did. She did. I just had
another quick question. Um, I'm in my bathroom, too. So I gotta hurry up and change and leave.
But okay, so I had two questions. So I've noticed like, they'll quick on Instagram,
I've noticed a lot of like men kind of like dating coaches that'll just like pop up.
And they're all kind of saying something story similar. And I was curious, you guys,
your perspective. Basically, they're saying, if that man doesn't text you within, you know,
after 48 hours, text you back, forget about it, like, done block them. Another guy's like,
that man doesn't text you back after 24 hours. That man hates you. They're all just kind of
saying similar stuff. That man, he didn't message you back. You could have gotten married in the
time. Oh, I went to Vegas over the weekend. I met someone else and I eloped. Sir, it's been three
days. So what is your opinion about that? Okay. Um, it is true. Everyone has their phone
to me to share is, um, you're gonna see a lot of noise on social media. Yeah.
Um, there's everybody's got an opinion. Okay.
Everybody. I mean, I mean, Jackie's on social media, Jackie's on there and sharing about dating.
I mean, and, and, and there's several, several women dating coaches. There's several men dating
coaches, several women dating coaches. There is, there's definitely something in the air
about dating and marriage. Okay. Marriage and family is being attacked and God wants marriage
and family restored and Satan wants to keep it isolated. Right. So there's going to be a lot
of voices that are coming in and.
So it really is about practicing the discernment
of what is in alignment with God's word and what's not.
And so my initial thought when you're sharing,
because I'm literally writing down and processing
and God's just showing me,
I would encourage to not listen to the noise.
Listen to one or two people
that you hear God's word in
and those are the ones you follow.
When you start putting more voices in there,
that's when it's gonna start getting messy
and that's when confusion's gonna come in.
Because my first question is,
these men coaches, are any of them Christian?
I don't know.
And I don't even follow them.
They just pop up under like,
like randomly like.
Well, yeah, and they're gonna pop up
because that's, I mean, y'all,
I get that stuff popping up too,
because I'm a dating coach.
So guess what?
My phone's algorithm is going to throw those things at me.
So if you are in a season of dating
and learning more about dating, guess what?
That stuff is going to get thrown in front of you way more.
And so that's where we have to guard our hearts.
We have to really make sure that,
ladies, this is just what the Lord
is downloading to me right now is,
it is really important to check anything
that we hear with God's word.
I mean, I can't tell you how many times I'm like,
oh, well, I feel like God told me this.
And my husband will sometimes check me and be like,
well, is that what the word of God says?
Does that come in alignment with the word of God?
And I'm like, oh, I need to go spend more time with that.
And sometimes I'm like, no, yeah.
And then God will show me,
yep, this is what it looks like.
And then other times God's like,
yes, but here's where it got distorted.
And so that's what I would encourage you, ladies,
like really be mindful of what you're listening to.
What are you allowing to enter?
What are you watching?
What are you scrolling and seeing?
How often are we in the word
and how often are we listening to dating coaches
and things on social media?
I had to do that myself.
Like even with Jackie, there were times
that I was like probably listening to Jackie
more than I was going to God.
And Jackie will tell you,
no, you need to go check this with the Lord.
She's not sitting there saying she knows it all.
I'm not gonna sit there and tell you I have all the answers.
She doesn't, I don't, Ebony doesn't,
Bethany doesn't, Renee doesn't.
We're just vessels.
You get the opportunity to spend time
with your heavenly father through Holy Spirit
and what Jesus has done for you.
And that's where I would encourage all of you ladies
spend more time there than anywhere.
Like, and I have to check myself too
because I'll do that often.
Like, oh, wow.
And then that's when I typically feel
like a little more stirred up.
And I'm like, oh, I'll sit and I'll watch sermons.
And I'm like, oh, oh, and then I'll start feeling
like this little, like this tension and everything.
And it's like, I haven't journaled
and I haven't opened my Bible in three days.
Yeah, I might be listening to a pastor talk about the word,
but I need to go open that word.
I need to go hear from him.
I'm wired to hear from the Lord.
We all are.
Like, can he use pastors and other people
to speak absolutely?
But guess what?
When I spend quiet, intimate time with the Lord
and I open his word, his word speaks to me.
And so I get to go and be like, you know what, Lord,
I'm hearing all these men dating, you know,
men coaches tell about this.
Like, Lord, what do you want me to?
This is how I'm responding to this.
And I need some wisdom on this, God.
What do you have for me today?
And that's what we get to,
like we get invited into that.
That would be my opinion on that.
Don't wait.
Yeah, that's great.
That makes sense.
And also, if you're supposed to pace in the beginning,
I mean, to be honest,
I don't really want to talk to someone every day.
So then that's why I'm like, well, maybe that's why I don't.
Maybe that's my issue. Like maybe I
You and
And Jackie will it will share this too is you are going to recognize that you will know a man is interested in you
You're not gonna have to second-guess it ladies
You're gonna know that they're gonna want to spend time. You're not gonna have to go chase after them to go spend time with them
They are going to to make sure they're in front of you and
And
The ones that are constantly wanting to be in front of you. You might have to be like, okay, honey, boy
I need you to step back and
That's okay. That doesn't mean that they're a terrible person. It just means they have an opportunity to
Show you that they respect boundaries
honor boundaries
You get to help kind of like hey, I really I'm flattered that you want to you know, speak to me every day
I got a lot going on and
you know the way I feel safe and comfortable and open up and getting to know someone is is taking time and
Seeing how things unfold and so would it be okay with you?
if maybe we just touched base once every three days there, you know, if you want to get together again
Like plan a date with me a couple days in advance and and then that way we have some things to talk about on our date
Would that be okay with you?
And guess what if it is and he's really interested he don't stick around
He gonna spend
whatever time you're willing to give him and
And yeah, yeah, so doesn't get his ego hurt or get all that's what I'm saying. Sometimes that is like
The message that they may be trying to share is you do not have to question a man's interest
That I do like that. I agree. I
Hadn't I knew my husband was interested in me
Like
My husband was all about talking about marriage very very early. I was like, whoa boy like I
Mean I kind of like like I said, he did not follow a lot of the rules
I didn't follow all the rules, but he definitely didn't he was open and all the the TMI stuff that I'm like
I don't need to know about your
Late wife and the toxic relationship that you had and and how she died and I didn't need to know of that
I didn't need to know about the kids and what I'm like, no, that's too much information for me
but I
Sat and I listened. I
offered some boundaries and I listened how he had healed and how opened he was to the healing process and
What he was doing to show up differently and what he learned and grow from it like now I was just like, okay
You can be on your phone sir, because you work remote from home I can't so
I'll message you when I get off work
I'll call you when I get off work or I'm not gonna have time to talk today because I have my son. I
Have some free time
Such and such day we can spend an hour on the phone then would that work? Yes. Okay, perfect and he made that time
Mm-hmm. Yeah
a lot of men that are
Seem very passive very unintentional
Like they want you to call them
Then they you know, I'll tell them, you know, you can reach me at this time. They missed the call, you know, so
And that's just showing you that you know, they've been they've probably been hurt
They've probably gone through some stuff and they haven't maybe done their healing
It's not your job to sit there and mother them and coach them and teach them and you know
Help boost their spirit and their ego. It's just okay. Well, um
You either want to get to know me or you don't you're either willing to work through that stuff or you're not
It's guess what?
I'm not gonna do it perfectly in this dating and guess what neither are you sir? So let's just be open to
Communicating and seeing where this goes and seeing if there's some things in alignment and if there's not
We don't have to be offended. We don't have to be upset. We just know that there's somebody else out there for us
And you can that's good. Wish somebody out on their way
Like I did it a lot of really great guys that
I'm like that
Handful of them are married now, like I've seen that they've gotten married one actually was in our program and he just recently got married
He was a really great guy. He wasn't my guy for sure
But he really was a really genuine guy not he like
But he wasn't
showing all that interest
He would show a little bit of interest that he had some healing to do and then he met this other girl and I'm like
Okay, like I'm not I didn't have to get
sideways about it
like
he got to meet his person and and
God did something
and him and her and healed them too. Now they're married. God did that with me and my husband
and things are good. Like there's, we don't have to, to get so tore up.
Yeah. All right. I'm going to take Cynthia's seat. Was that, that was it, right?
Well, the other question was just about just real quick, someone at my church. So I matched,
so I don't even know if I should. Cause didn't you guys say that don't even bother matching
with guys on Facebook friendship? Because if they can't even say that they're wanting a
relationship, don't even bother matching. I don't see anything terrible with it. I mean,
you're just, again, you're into discovery phase. I mean, was it on, were you on Facebook dating
and the guys and he just wants friendship? There's like, there's two sections of Facebook
dating. There's like Facebook dating and there's Facebook, like friendship dating,
kind of, it's not like called. I probably wouldn't mess with people like trying to match
his friends. So like, I want to say Ebony or Jackie is saying like, those are the avoidant
guys. Like they are. I wouldn't do that. I just want to be friends. Oh, I'm going to go on a
dating site, but it's just for friendship. No, we're not doing that. Yeah. So that's what that
was. Yeah. Like I, I would just friend section was somehow the guy from my church popped up
and like, I've seen him and I'm like, I'm open-minded. Like, I'm like, I'm kind of attracted.
Like, he's not bad. Like I could probably get there. Like he's cute. And anything I would,
instead of doing it, the whole Facebook thing, I'd like straight up go. And again, I, I can be a
little bit more bold. I'm good. I'm, I got pretty good at dropping hankies that if I saw him at
church, I'd be like, Hey, strike up a conversation in some way, shape, or form. I'd find something
clever and then just kind of see what happened. And then just again, pick up the energy and see
what's happening. Then go from there. If I was going to entertain any of that, it would be an
in-person thing. Cause I want to see interaction. I'm going to see how they
respond face to face in person around other people, Michelle, maybe around other, you know,
that's, that would be me. I wouldn't, I wouldn't do all of the, let me be your Facebook dating
friend. No, like, I'm going to come up to you and I'm going to really see what, what are you,
what are you interested in looking for? Like, you know, I'm like, I'm going to get to know you.
I don't like, I'm not one of those people that I will go up to a lot of strangers. I have opened
up in my 43 years of just learning to, there's not a stranger on this planet. Like, look,
if people want to have conversation, I will have conversation with them. That's just how I am. So,
um, yeah, I wouldn't entertain. Okay. Yeah. Cause it's awkward. That's weird to me.
It is weird. I didn't know Facebook did that. I'm like, are you kidding? Yeah. And it's awkward
because now we both matched and no one's saying anything. Like no one's waved. No one said hi.
It just shows that we matched. And I'm like, uh, and it's, I, I was a, I was a greeter this past
year at church, like holding a sign or whatever. Welcome. So like, he's come up to me a few times
and like said like, Hey, good morning, woman of God. And then I like asked him his name,
but I just feel like, like what you guys say. I mean, if a man is really interested,
like, yeah, I mean, I would just straight up make it. I mean, I'm, I'm one of those people.
I can sometimes make things very awkward, but sometimes I like to do that because I like to
see how people respond to that. And then I met, I met and married a husband that makes
things very awkward. And then I'm like, Oh my gosh, they don't do that. That's like, you're weird.
Like it, it shows I'm getting payback for all the times that I've made people feel awkward is
like, now my husband really does make things awkward. Um, but I would just be like, Hey,
weren't you on that? Like, did you match me on that? Like, I would say that.
That's yeah. And I saw him hinge like a few months ago and he did match. And then what's funny is
now, like, I don't know if he's gotten just discouraged. Did he like, even what he wrote
on his like profile for the Facebook friendship says like, I don't know. I'm getting pretty
content lately with just Jesus and me. My life's pretty good, but I don't know. I'm just on here
because I keep getting a message that I have a secret admirer. So it doesn't even sound like
he's that intentional. Hmm. I don't know. So I would ask questions about it and just be like,
okay, I need to know the story behind all of this. Okay. What man is going on Facebook dating
friends and says they're content. We going to have to have a conversation about that. You're
going to have to let me know more like, like that's how I would drop a hanky. I mean like,
you're going to have, we're going to have to go out to coffee.
And you're gonna have to tell me tell me all your endeavors all your adventures on on this dating
Okay, like that's how I would just I would make it more fun. I would make it more friendly fun and see
See how he shows up. I
Would do it in person though. I wouldn't do this
You see people in real life. I would I'm always about more of the real life stuff than anything else anyway
But yeah, if you see him again just
Pull him out, but in that flirty way
Okay, when you get to practice that flirting muscle
Okay. Yeah, like so any of you ladies that want to practice flirting?
That's what you can do. Okay, and
We can do that, too
You're welcome
We've got to do that too, but we'll coach you on how to flirt. All right
It's tough
I mean
I was I did I wasn't dating for like five or six years after I had my son and I was like I forget how
to flirt and
Jackie helped me and a lot of the women can help me learn how to flirt again
And so that will help you will help you with that
Alright, I'm gonna go Cynthia. Well, we got Cynthia see and then I got Cynthia cave and then I got Joanne
Well, I'd like to learn how to flirt because apparently I think I meet I'm having
Mixed signals and stuff. I'm thinking people men are liking me. I'm having with some of them
I'm smiling having good conversation, but not able to get them to ask me out. So I
We're gonna do yeah
So is that your question? How do I how do I drop the hanky?
Yeah, how do I drop the hanky and then my other one I put in and I guess maybe this might be beyond y'all's pay
grade
about me
Because I you know as I'm thinking I have not actually dated anybody that I really really
Was
Attracted to okay
Even though I've you know made eye contact, you know, we flirting with eyes and stuff but getting them to
Actually talk to me or respond to me. I don't know how to do it
Okay
Have you have you
when you see guys that you're really attracted to
Like are you seeing guys that you're attracted to and you're just like I can't do it
Well, I'm seeing guys that I'm attracted to and I'm speaking to them. I'm smiling at them
In some cases I'm having a conversation I'm have actually having a conversation
Stopping and talking for five minutes. Okay, um
I'm not able for whatever. Maybe they're married or something. I don't know
I don't know what kind I'm not reading signals really good at all. So
Okay, what's happening
Inside you when you were in that moment having conversation with him like what's what's happening
Internally, like is there nerves? Is there anxious energy? Is there are you feel relaxed? Do you feel like what?
What are some of the that well, I guess it's some it's some nervousness but some eagerness to okay, um
And now I guess not wanting to look like a fool
Is there a little bit of fear maybe yeah
Yeah, and that and that's normal
Show up for sure, you know
I
Would spend time with if you think that pattern is happening frequently with you like you're talking to people
and
could could how you like if there's some fear there is that coming across and
Being represented when you're having those conversations with them
like
spend time
Investigating your you know
With the Lord like okay. Is there something that you want me to see or try differently? So with that
Tell me the most recent
Interaction that you have with someone
what that looked like and
Then I will see if I can give you some tips on
What to do differently in the future, well, that's a good question because I'm not it's like I'm not having
You know, it's like one guy I see every so often okay and
This is one guy you see every so often in your attracted
Well, not really attracted, but he's a nice guy. Okay. Um, you're curious to know about him like you're you're like, okay
I would I would hang out and see what you're about. Yeah, I mean and and so I will see
see him sometimes, he's leaving the swimming pool,
I'm going in the swimming pool, or I'll see him at the gym.
So I'm having, you know, we've had a whole lot
of conversations.
I know a lot about him.
But I guess, you know what, maybe I'm not
asking people if they're married.
Maybe that's what it is, or if they've got a girlfriend.
Maybe that's just he, when you all see each other,
and you guys are having lots of conversation,
so there's communication there.
That's good.
Is he sometimes the one that recognizes you and says, hey?
Or is it always you saying, hey, and starting the conversation?
I think it's probably almost at the same time.
Because it's kind of, you know what I'm saying,
it's hit or miss.
Yes.
Do you know anything that he is interested in, that he likes?
Like, what do you know about him?
I know that he's got grown children.
And I know that he works for DC government.
Well, I know that he's lost weight.
So we talked about that.
Because I'm like, how are you losing weight?
And I'm not losing weight.
So we talked about that.
I guess.
He's probably taking a change.
It's like, everybody's on that.
Now, what he said, and it made sense.
He said, I cut the carbs.
I cut the juice.
Because most men don't have the sugar thing that we have.
A lot of the females have.
But he is.
Men just lose weight way easier than.
Yeah.
And I mean, I know I've even seen him.
It was one Christmas.
And so I saw him at the UPS store.
And I didn't even recognize him.
I was fussing about something else.
And then he showed up.
I was like, oh, I know you.
But we have good conversation.
But I think somehow or another, what I'm finding out,
and I even found out on Sunday, one guy, he comes over
and he talks.
But there's another lady over there that's probably
more his age that he talks to.
But he'll talk, talk, talk.
And so we were talking.
And man, I didn't know a whole lot about him.
So we talked.
And I said, hey, you interested in getting married?
And he said, no, I'm not interested in getting married.
Because I told him, I said, I've got plenty of girlfriends
and stuff.
And he's a nice guy, really another nice guy and stuff.
So what I'm realizing is a lot of times, men will talk to me.
They'll talk.
They're friendly.
But they really are not interested in a relationship
and in marriage or in dating.
So that's kind of what I think I'm coming up against,
that we've got good, we have good conversation.
And I don't think I'm a bad-looking person.
So I'm a bad-looking woman.
But that's what I think.
I think that maybe they're just being friendly.
OK.
And I'm just misreading signals.
I want to address the, be careful with aligning
with the, I'm coming up against something.
I don't want you thinking and coming in alignment
that it's going to be difficult and hard.
I feel really strong in sharing that with you.
Because ladies, when we look at something as it being hard,
it will be hard.
That's the lens that we're looking at it.
So if I rephrase it to say, I am learning
how to be comfortable in my own skin
when I'm talking to men, I was going
to say men of the opposite sex.
But of men, I'm becoming more comfortable
and being myself and flirting.
Because I thought I was a pretty good flirt.
But somehow or another, I'm being misread signals
all over the place.
So this is what I would encourage.
Because instead of coming out the gate
and talking about the marriage stuff,
because again, some men, depending on their ages,
some men might just be like, no, I'm not going to get married,
or I'm not going to get married again, or I did that
and not going to do it again.
Yeah, I don't start off like that.
Trust me.
I would start leaning into learning about what
things that they like.
So this guy that you see at the pool and the gym and stuff,
he's grown children.
He works in the DC government.
He's lost some weight.
Do you know what's a passion of his?
What does he really enjoy?
And does he have a big hobby that he's into?
Is there a certain type of food that he's like,
does he travel a lot?
What interesting things do you know about him?
Well, I know that he's traveled.
So he did say something about that.
I wonder if he said something,
maybe he did say something about some food,
because I should have asked him,
do you know how to cook?
I mean, what's your favorite restaurant
or something like that?
There you go.
Okay, so now you've got two topics
that you can now see if that can lead
into a bigger connection.
So if you know he's traveled,
do you have any trips that you wanna go on anytime soon?
Now you sounding like those Facebook dates.
Do you have a passport?
I'm like, look, I'm not even trying to get that far.
It could just be something nearby.
Like, you know, where do you live?
Do you live in New York, DC?
Yeah, that's a lot of stuff to do here.
That's what I'm saying.
Not a shortage of things.
That's for sure.
You could be like, look, like,
you're from here and you've traveled a lot.
I'm just thinking about going
and doing something just locally.
What, as a traveler, if you were traveling here,
what would you do for fun?
Or like, if you have, like, you know what?
Like, someone was asking me the other day,
like they were gonna come to this area
and they asked me like,
what are some things that I would do around here?
And I'm curious what,
I know some things that I would suggest,
but I'm curious, what things would you suggest
to people to do around our area?
That's a good, good starter question.
So thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, then he can tell,
maybe he tells you something about like a museum or a park
or something really cool that you never heard about.
And you'd be like, oh, that does sound like fun.
Maybe I should try that out sometime.
And then you can go try it out
and then you guys can go talk about it.
Or you can say, ah, I was thinking about next weekend
going to that place that you were telling me about.
Do you wanna come spend some time with me
to go and do that?
See how that's dropping a hanky?
Yeah, I guess.
But I think my thing is,
I don't know whether,
he could be married or separated or whatever.
And guess what?
If he is, he'll say so.
He gets to tell you that.
Yeah.
Because right now you're not,
you are inviting, you're just having conversation.
Conversation.
And then when you ask him
and you could be like, oh,
I'm sorry, that sounded really forward.
I apologize.
You could be married.
My fault.
You see how you can say that?
I'm sorry if that was really forward.
I guess I should have asked if you were married.
And then he'd be like, yeah, I am.
Or no, no, I'm not, I'm divorced.
Or oh, nope, I was engaged once
and then she left me at the altar.
I don't know.
Do you know?
Do you see how that can kind of,
you get to, there's some curiosity there.
You get to ask questions.
But do you see how you're asking questions
that can now lead to more opportunity
for engagement and connection
and possible get together?
Okay, that's helpful.
So it's like the same thing with the food.
Oh, would you care to go try
this Italian restaurant with me sometime?
Or go grab breakfast at this breakfast place
that opened up 15 minutes across town.
Yeah, that helps.
This helps me because I've-
That's how we sometimes drop.
Because guess what?
Some men are not very forward.
Sometimes they're nervous.
Sometimes they're-
That's what I'm finding,
especially with the saved ones.
The unsaved don't have any issues,
but the saved men, I'm like,
am I that intimidated?
No, we live in a world
where women have made it very,
very difficult for men to be men.
Yeah, well, I mean, I-
That was like, everyone was silent there.
I mean, we do live in a society
where like men don't know sometimes
if women are going to be defensive with them
if they show interest.
But if we're making eye contact
and we've been doing it for months,
what more do we need?
But if they've been hurt,
or if they've been, you know-
And we all have been hurt.
I know.
Trust me, I get it.
I know.
But thank you.
This was helpful.
So just asking, asking.
Keep me updated about, we need a nickname for this pool guy.
Well, his name is Chuck.
I do know his name.
Name is Chuck.
I don't know what his last name is.
Do we call him like Chuck the Cabana Boy?
Back when I was in the community,
we gave nicknames to all the guys
that we went on dates with.
It was just fun that way.
I want to hear more details about Chuck the Cabana Boy
and how flirting is going with him.
So keep us updated.
OK, all right.
Thank you.
All right.
Other Cynthia and Joanne, if we could,
we are coming up on that.
Definitely spend a lot of time.
But I want to, I'm going to, I'm going to take one for the team
and say this is on me, on me.
So but I want to, I want to hear what your questions are.
So what you got for me?
Oh, bless you.
Thank you.
So I'm in this, in the relationship
I've been in for two years and two months, right?
Yes.
And so back, I think it was probably in March, actually.
We decided that by the end of June,
we would have a kind of cut off where we would just say,
decision time.
End of March was our two year anniversary.
OK.
And yeah.
And now I'm kind of really feeling it
because the end of June is now close.
And I mean, he's been really patient.
And I just don't know how to get myself over the line.
It just seems like, to me, such a huge decision.
I mean, he's not saying let's get married straight away.
But he's a teacher, so he gets big summer holidays.
And so he's like saying, you know,
then I would come because we live in different countries.
I would come to you for six weeks.
I even have somewhere that he could stay nearby
and spend his whole six weeks there.
And I could potentially, I have a job
where I can take unpaid leave.
So I could potentially then take after that, say like a month
or two or six weeks, and go and stay somewhere near him.
But it means that it's like another step forward.
And I feel like I should have more clarity before I do that.
I actually went to see him last week.
How often do you guys see each other?
Yeah.
So it's been kind of sporadic.
So we talk every day in some form.
Sometimes it's voice messages and video messages.
And maybe two, three times a week, it's live conversations, video chat.
But yeah, we see each other.
I just spent the whole of last week with him.
I went over there.
It was his, he had a week off school holiday.
OK.
And otherwise, maybe it's one or two weekends a month.
I will go there or he will come here.
So you're seeing each other once a month?
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
Costing a fortune in hotels and flights and everything else.
But yeah.
And let me ask you this.
If, you know, you continue on, what would relocating look like?
Who would relocate?
Yeah, it's difficult in theory.
He's willing to come here because he can teach in the international system.
He would teach in an English language school.
But he's applied for jobs and has not got anything.
It's really weirdly, he has not even got, often doesn't even get a reply or a reason why.
And then he's asked for feedback on why.
Whereas in Britain, where he is, he's never had an issue with that.
And in fact, his last contract went to an end.
He applied for jobs there and here and there.
He got loads of offers for interviews, got a job straight away.
Here, there was nothing at all.
And you're in Germany, right?
I'm in Germany.
I'm in Berlin.
So there's actually, you know, in the capital.
So there's actually a number of international schools here.
There's also other schools in other close by cities.
So there are lots of options in theory.
And every time a job comes up and he's a physics teacher and they're like really
sought after.
So every time he applies for nothing.
So it's almost like that door isn't open.
It's not out of the effort of him trying to get there so that you guys can be.
No, no, he's keen.
That's what I wonder.
Like, I wonder, like, is it hard for you to even.
see what that step moving forward would be like
if you're living in the same country
or able to see what that would look like.
Well, like I said, we could temporarily,
although both of us would be in a situation.
You know, when he comes here, he would have holiday.
People say it needs to be more like your everyday life,
right?
But when he comes here, he would be his holiday.
I would be his holiday.
He would be our holiday.
What are your thoughts about being able to do that
then sooner rather than later
so that you guys are consistently around each other
and kind of see how y'all interact?
And-
Yeah, I mean, his school holidays start mid-July
till early September.
And then-
I think if the two of you can talk about that
and see if that seems, you know,
you both feel that God is saying that that is an option
and it's doable.
I would strongly suggest that.
So that way you can see what spending time with each other
consistently longer than just like a one week time,
but several weeks, if not like a month or more
would look like
just so that you could start building that connection
of what that intimacy looks like
getting to know someone that's close by.
And then from there, see what surfaces internally
with what you're feeling and experiencing.
If there's anything that needs to be revealed that,
you know, oh, this is why I just can't seem to
feel ready to move forward
or this is why I'm feeling it's a step back
or you'll get to,
with you being intentionally near each other,
more consistently,
it's going to be more highlighted.
And so then you actually get,
you get to actually experience it.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
I mean, my concern is I just,
I feel like I should know,
but I just don't know if I know.
That's what I'm saying.
And I don't want you to,
I mean, cause you've spent two years,
you know, two years and two-
I know.
It's like, you know,
I can't imagine why I keep spending
and stretching this out anymore.
I mean, that's two years is a lot of time.
Yeah, and also by us spending intensive amounts of time
together because he's very sure and he really loves me.
And I always thought,
I feel like by spending intentional time together,
all that time-
That's what I'm saying.
I think if you put yourself in a situation where-
Where it's going to say, actually-
Yeah, where if you're spending time
in the actual situation where you're being intentional,
like that might be able to help you uncover
what the holdup is in you,
or it might just realize it really is just about
we need to be around each other.
It might be hard to connect to somebody emotionally
if you're not physically around them consistently.
And doing-
We did have, we did have two years ago,
I was at DC.
The summer before last,
we spent, again, by being in each other's countries
during his summer holidays,
part of the time I took holiday,
part of the time I was working,
but we spent most, on and off,
most of six weeks together,
but in different countries.
But we were kind of always in holiday mode.
People say that's not what you're supposed to do,
but it's kind of difficult because you can't,
if you're not working, you're on holiday.
So, but we went to nice places and we did things.
He went to see my family.
That was more difficult for different reasons.
And yes, and he has some triggers,
which I struggle with,
but I kind of,
I tried to address those last week when I was with him.
That didn't go so well.
I think I didn't do that so wisely,
but that's maybe a question for another time.
I think my biggest thing is, do I actually love him?
I just don't know.
We get on well.
We have lots in common.
He makes me laugh.
We have lots of common interests.
I really, he prays for me every day
and I've really benefited from that.
I can see real signs of the way I've benefited from that.
I'd love to share it with you all.
So, as I'm really grateful for that,
I just don't know.
Surely, you know, I should feel more.
We met a guy at church last Sunday, one of the leaders,
and then Tuk sent me the message
that he'd sent to him afterwards.
And he'd written, so this guy had written to Tuk saying,
oh, you know, so loved together
and you seem like such a great couple.
It must be such a wrench now to be apart again.
And I thought, no.
I'm used to it, especially if you've gotten
into that rhythm though, where.
you, for years, you're used to not being, not near each other. So you've gotten,
being, I mean, I've been in love so many times, and then it is hard to say goodbye,
and it is hard to be apart from them. But I don't feel in love that sense. We just,
but then I keep thinking, well, maybe that was, that was not, you know, that was more the,
do me a favor, do me a favor, because I really want to help, if I can, in any way to kind of
help uncover this. If you could sit down and have some time journaling with the Lord this week,
and then post, like, what, what are the highlighted things that
you struggle with, with Him, like, that are the triggers?
Where, where is the fear? Let's start looking at what the fears are, and what the concerns are.
Because I think, I mean, you've obviously, you've been with Him for two years, so there's some good
things. We obviously know that. So I want to spend some time where you get to really go and, like,
go to the Lord with the concerns. Like, Lord, are these concerns that you're showing me because
you're showing me that I'm not in alignment with this man? Or are you showing me these concerns
because you're showing me where I need to heal? And so I think, you know, and you don't have to
tackle them all, but if we get a list, we can look at looking at one of those things,
and starting there, and seeing, you know, what is God highlighting to you to look at first,
and we'll see what He wants to reveal. How do you feel about that?
Okay. And you can, like, if you make a post before the call next week, that way we can kind of look
at that as well. That way we get some conversation flowing, some back and forth. That really helps.
Ladies, and that goes for everybody. And ladies, I appreciate y'all stick sticking on. I know this
is a very, very long call today. I appreciate it. The more y'all respond and post in the app,
the more we have the opportunity to kind of do back and forth so that when we have these
group calls, we do actually get to spend time kind of uncovering what we can because we've
done some of the process offline first. So that's always helpful. That, like, I know several ladies
have done that. I know, like, Laura's been posting in there. I know Nadine, she's posted
in there. I think, Mika, you've done that. I've seen Kelly post a lot of things in there.
I'm just looking at, I think, Joanna, she's put. So when you are sharing with us, and Karen as
well, like, when you ladies are sharing things with us and walking us through what's going on
in your life, that when we come on these calls, we can really accelerate some of that growth
because we're not having to comb through all of the details because we've already
been working through that on the app, if you will. So that would be, if you can do that for me,
Cynthia, I think we, I'm going to, I'm going to pray that we're going to get some breakthrough
in that in hopes that something is going to be revealed so that you can get some relief
and you can feel at peace with, you know, a decision one way or the other. Yeah.
Because I can only imagine that's probably, you know, like, I just want to know.
I'm sure at this point, you're like, I like, whether it's yes or no, I just want the answer,
right? Yeah. But again, God doesn't always, I feel like I feel like pressure and almost,
and everybody, like all my friends or his friends, he's hungry. Everybody's going to run.
God's not going to sit here and say, well, here's the answer. Cause guess what? We get
free will, we get choice. But I think there's something in that, in the process of discovering
and it's like, Lord, there's clearly something you want to show me whether it's yes or no,
there's something very sacred and very special about the relationship that you've shared with
this person. And so I think that will be honored regardless of what the outcome is.
But if you're focused on the outcome.
Like I need to know you this or no, then you're we're gonna miss
What God is actually trying to show you and so?
Let's remove the let's remove that. I need to know if it's yes or no
Let's start asking. What is it that you want to reveal to me Lord?
Let's do that, I think that's
That really falls to what was you know, the Lord was really heavy
On sharing with this community and yes
And we can even see if we can find you some information about Simba's as well
Yeah, that's something good. Yeah, let me talk because I think Bethany and Brian are I don't know if they have a
If they're teaching one right now
Or if they're going to be I'll have to let me reach out to Bethany and ask her
Because we can look at that for the two of you as well
Well, that's that's for us as a couple as a yes, that could be a possibility because that will
Highlight
Things that need to be highlighted to be honest. We haven't done a pre-marriage course
Because someone here in my church
So if there is like again like if there's things that trigger you and he's not willing to address him and that's kind of maybe where
the hold-up is
He's not gonna he's not gonna be able to avoid it
like it's going to be highlighted there in that course and
that gets to be like
You know, it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's
like
That gets revealed to you and
Then you you get to decide like okay. This is how I want to navigate this
Are you on board with me or not? Like are we in alignment together is you have to be in alignment in marriage?
You have our you can have disagreements. I mean trust me me my husband don't agree about everything
trust
me
We have two different personalities two different opinions about things like we approach things way differently
But we're in alignment and
So that's important like we don't avoid the tough conversations. I mean there might be times where I'm like
He's just not ready to talk about it, but he knows I'm not gonna not talk about it
So I'm like, okay, I'll give you your space now, but just know like
We're we're in agreement that we are always working to get better on ourselves
So you might not be in a space to work on yourself right now
but how much how long do you need because
We can't stay here for the rest of our lives. And so sometimes he's like, you know, just give me a couple months
I'm like, okay
I needed a couple months recently where I'm like look I like I even just told my husband
I'm like look the Lord told me I'm spending 90 days with just the Lord
Like I'm spending 90 days of intentional time with the Lord. And so I'm like, honey
I just need you to be mindful of that. I
I'm gonna wake up each day and I don't know what God's gonna have me do every day
So I just can you support me in that and he's like, yeah, my husband just started fasting
Three days out of a week and he's doing that for seven weeks
And I'm like, well and I asked him I was like do you expect me to fast with you
Cuz I'm like honey I struggle just to fast one day a week so
Three days it's all for you. I
Will do what the Lord says to me, but I will support you in that and I will do whatever I'm like
What is it that you need from me?
So that you can make I mean again like there's partnership
like I'm like, I'm not gonna fast like that like God's not having me fast right now, but
eventually
You know if if that's something that he's like, okay. Well we need to fast together then
well, we'll have that conversation, but
you'll learn that and send this as
To like, okay what what needs to get highlighted for sure?
Okay, thank you
All right, Joanne. How's everything going with them?
With the guy that's like not not your typical guy
Yeah, so
The there are two guys to put the other the guy that's in the program. We decided not to move for it
that was actually very awesome how we
Came to that conclusion, but for the sake of time, I don't need to go into it. It was just like a reminder that God is
In my dating process, which is really nice
Um, so today's my last day in phase two.
Um, I know they already started removing like all my phase one and phase two.
It's already gone after I got on the call.
Um, but I'm on phase three.
So, and Jackie.
Okay, good.
You're already at least.
Yes.
Yeah.
Um, so the question I have is more, um, about pacing with, uh, Matthew is the guy that I asked down and we've been hanging out.
We like hung out last week.
We spent like nine and a half hours together.
I like Matthew.
We, I think, uh, he's like, he's, this isn't like, this is a new experience for you.
Oh yeah.
He's the guy who's like, does he even like me?
Like he does.
He's the opposite of all the past guys I've dated that were not good.
They would love bomb, like go too fast.
Too soon.
They would say all these things, but their actions wouldn't show.
Whereas Matthew is the opposite.
He like shows by showing up all the time.
He's like, whatever I want to do.
He's always like on board to do very go with the flow.
Super easy going.
I even had to ask him like, Matthew, are you interested?
Um, I didn't ask him that way, but he's like, of course.
I mean, I told you that.
And I'm like, he's obviously spending nine and a half hours with you.
Yes.
Yeah, I know.
He shows.
He's interested.
Kind of like what we were just talking about with Susan when she was on.
Yep.
You're going to know if a guy is interested in you.
Yeah.
I think I just needed to hear it.
And then I was like, are you attracted to me?
Cause he's very good.
Respectfully.
Like he doesn't put any moves, which I love.
It's only like three, four.
It's like a month now, I think.
Um,
I feel like I touch him and flirt with him more like physically, but he's
like, yeah, of course.
Like you're beautiful.
Blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, okay.
And then, um,
I did mention like, I want to plan ahead because.
I usually get busy during the week.
And he's like, oh yeah, let's definitely plan it.
Thank you.
But then I didn't think it would be to the level of.
Now we have a Google doc where it goes until the very end.
Okay.
So that ended up leading into like,
now you've got several things planned out.
We have like 10 things to plan out, but 70% is my ideas.
Cause.
And he said the reason why he doesn't have all these ideas.
Cause he's.
Trying to live a sober life for two and a half years.
So he's in a huddle of men, like, you know, being disciples.
So he's like, I really love how you have all these ideas.
And lately he's been churning out more ideas to me is like, oh, I,
I thought about this and that.
And so he created the Google doc.
And then I filled it out some,
and then we worked on it a little bit together, but then I was like,
my question is mostly like.
That's kind of like a lot, right?
I mean, we're not even exclusive yet,
but I feel like we act like we are.
Like,
I mean,
we're not even exclusive yet, but I feel like we act like we are.
I mean, we're not even exclusive yet,
but I feel like we act like we kind of are already.
I know he's not talking to anybody else and I'm not either.
But I'm wondering if I should.
But I don't really want to.
I mean, I like Matthew.
And.
So.
We had this conversation with you about being exclusive.
You would be all for it.
Yeah.
You know, I've been on her calls more.
She would be like, no.
You know, because I tend to go too fast too soon.
Yeah.
I mean, I get, I understand.
Like, you know, we do try to help you.
Ladies kind of pace that.
So we're not jumping into things, but.
You know, that's, those are guardrails. That's not hard rules.
I mean, we're, we're looking more for.
Are there lots of green flags happening.
And just because you get an exclusive relationship.
Doesn't mean he's your husband.
Yeah.
It just means now.
The relationship is more intentional.
It means you are just focusing on one person.
And seeing.
Is there a possibility that this could move towards engagement?
Is it a pot? Like, is it there? Is there.
Is there enough of a solid foundation there that, that.
God is, is able to, to, to build something there.
Like, do you have the foundation?
For God to build what he wants to build.
Yeah.
You know? Yeah.
Like, yeah, I would, I, I, I.
Okay. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Have you guys.
Kissed or no, no, we haven't.
I wouldn't not do that unless we're exclusive.
We did watch the house of David and we were sitting pretty close.
And there was only a couple of times are like arms touch each other for
a bit, but I was like,
Oh my God.
Okay.
So, so we did watch the house of David and we were sitting pretty
close.
And there was only a couple of times or like,
arms touch each other for a bit, but I was like,
Oh my God.
It's like, whoa, this is too tempting.
Okay, so here's, here's what you can do.
You, okay, you, you're on the, like, you're pretty comfortable with them.
Um, you don't have to ask him, like, you don't have to come out and ask him like,
so are we dating exclusively?
Like, we don't have to do that, but you can say, you know, we've mapped out this,
this plan and we're spending a lot of time together over the next several months.
Um, I'm curious, like, what is your, your, um, what is like your, your idea
of like the future, like, what are, what is your goal for the future?
Like, what are you, when you, when you're, um, you know, getting to know people,
like, what is it that you are intentionally trying to, to move towards?
Well, he does want to get married.
He's like, I'm only dating you for the intention of marriage, but I
usually have to ask those things.
Yeah.
I'm the one asking.
And I said, why am I asking you all these?
I mean, in a nice way, he's like, yeah, you are.
And he's like, I think I'm shy.
And I'm like, shy.
He's like, how long has he been sober?
Has he been sober two years?
You said two and a half years, but he hasn't had been in a
relationship since for six years.
Okay.
Yeah.
So there should, there could be some stuff that, you know, he's having to
learn how to do things differently too.
So that could be what some of that standoffishness is.
And so, I mean, it might be one of those things and like, okay, so I'm
interested to know, like, what are your thoughts about how a man
shows up in a relationship?
Like, what, what do you think, what do you think is important for a man?
How, for how, for what do you think is important for men to
do to show up in a relationship?
Like, how do you think they need to show up in a relationship?
How do you think a woman is supposed to show up in a relationship?
Ask those questions.
What do you think that looks like?
So for example, like my husband and I, like when we were in that
exclusive dating stage or moving towards that, we did talk about, you know,
so what is your take on, you know, marriage, like what's that look like
for a wife and what's that look like for a husband, especially ones that
have kids, because, you know, I had a kid and he had two kids and I told
him, I'm like, you know, obviously I'm a single mom, like, um, I'm
very involved in my son's school.
Um, I knew he had kids that were homeschooled.
I'm like, you homeschool kids.
I am all for the homeschool.
I just know if I'm homeschooling my kids, I can't, I would want to be
very much fully invested in that.
So I wouldn't be working and homeschooling at the same time.
Um, and so I'm like, but if I ever had the opportunity to homeschool
where I wouldn't need to work, I would 100% be all for that.
Like, those are conversations that I had.
Like I told him what I was comfortable with and what it was important to me.
And so then me just answering like that, he was like, well, I'm okay.
He's like, well, I don't see anything wrong with the wife not working.
And I don't even like what he was all for me, homeschooling the kids.
I don't even homeschool our kids now, but I still don't work full, full time.
And he's fully okay.
So that's kind of our roles because he knows I run our house.
So, I mean, I'm not saying like you have those kinds of conversations,
but, but do you see how having those, like, you're not asking for exclusivity.
You're just asking for what does this look like for you?
And you have those conversations and then it sparks, it sparks what that
looks like so that you guys can discuss.
Is it exclusivity?
Like you can be asking him.
So yeah.
Like, what do you, what do you think the role of the man is?
Do you think the man is the one that should be asking the woman if she's
if you want to be exclusive or not?
Like if that conversation comes up and you talk about a bunch of different
things, he might go home and sit and think about that and be like, Oh, I guess
I haven't asked her to be exclusive with me.
And so then you see how it kind of draws him in now too.
Yeah.
I was actually thinking about a question that is super relevant is like, cause
I've been going to single events in person here and I actually coordinate
single events and so I'm like, and I'm supposed to go to a singles event next
week and they even have a speed dating thing and I was like, should I ask him?
What should I do?
If someone asked me out like, yeah.
Like what do I still go to single events? I mean, you're weird. Hey, this is oh, this is perfect
This is what you say you'd be like, hey, you know, and he knows that you run these single events, correct?
Um, I mentioned it to him, but the one that I'm going to you next Saturday is not something I'm running
I just okay once in a while. Well, this is what you can say don't be like, hey
I I don't know if you're aware of this, but you know
part of the involvement that I have in and community is
You know running some single events and I do attend single events and so
Because we now have mapped out
These dates first like several months out
I want to be honorable to you and
And respect you
What would you feel comfortable with when I'm at these single events about what I would like
What would you prefer me to do if someone approaches me?
How like what where are you at with that I
and again
he gets to you get to put on him and just be like I
Wanted I want to honor and be respectful to you because I know we've we're investing a lot of time
How would you like me to handle that?
Okay, can I should I say like there's it's a single event and there's actually speed dating thing
Do what do you should I attend that should I not I wouldn't say that I just say how would you like me to?
Approach these types of situations
Are you comfortable with me going on these? Are you?
Are you comfortable like just I would I would be very just like
Leave the floor open for him to really be able to discuss with you first. Like I want
Make the question very broad
So that he can start having conversation and you and then by listening to him
Then let that draw out any other questions that you might have. Does that make sense?
Yeah, that makes sense. I mean I did ask him
something like oh
Do you ever think about boyfriend girlfriend? He's like
Yeah, I do it
Isn't that where we're going? I'm like, I guess I just wasn't sure where you're coming, you know, he's like that's where we're going
I think we're just getting to know each other
so I guess he was yeah, and if he said if he kind of says that just be like well, I
How how would it?
How would a woman know that she's exclusive with you? Oh
How would you let a woman know that she's exclusive with you
How would a woman know who's dating you that you want to be exclusive with her? Oh
Okay without asking
Yeah, I mean I think that like again, I just think he's he I don't he might just be one
He's just like really just doesn't know how to
Ask or do you think it's just he's like not ready cuz I don't want to be the one like I don't know
You know like and that's what I'm saying like and then if it really is about his sobriety
and
Again, I mean if he's been sober two and a half years and and that's the truth like
He he would be allowed like not that they're not I mean
They weren't allowed to date
Until two years. Yeah, I mean, oh that was because that I have I've always heard at least one year
No, they said two years. Okay, perfect. So that two years
so this would be a first for him just and you can have that conversation with him being like, you know, if
You need to go slower because of this I understand I
Would like to understand and know when you are ready for that. How would I know that you're ready?
and
Then you can say because for now I do run these single events and I do do these these
activities and
I want to be respectful and honoring to you
So that I'm not
Crossing any boundaries of yours and then I'm being respectful to you
But also respectful to the fact that you might not be ready yet
Yeah, and also respectful for me because to you it's like if he's not and he's and that's then I like
You can still go out and meet people. Yeah, I
But it does feel we and as I'm saying you guys aren't kissing you guys are not committed
You're not like you're not doing those things and that's why ladies
I like I know some people are like, but they're hanging out but but there's no
There's no connection. There's no
We're not like she's not doing stuff with someone that she wouldn't do with any friend
like there's not like
She's not holding his hand, hugging him and kissing him and talking about what their family
would look like.
No.
Nothing like that.
There's no future talk in a sense of a relationship being solid.
We're looking at, yeah, I'm dating you because I eventually want to move towards these things,
but that commitment hasn't been made.
So you both are free to have, get to know other people.
Yeah.
It's just, it's just Carla, it's the whole like, whoa, it dawned on me so much time.
And then like, we are planning out all these activities where it's like now, and you know,
he helps me with so many things.
Yeah.
And that's, and that's what you can have that honest conversation with him.
But look, like we sat down and we made all these plans and I, I guess that kind of when
I sat with it, it took me by surprise because now I'm sitting here thinking like, that's
a lot that we're committing to yet.
We haven't really talked about what that looks like.
So I'm, and I want to be respectful and honorable to you.
I'm curious what that looks like for you when, when you're ready, how would a girl know that
you want to be exclusive?
And until then, what, what is your comfort level with me going to singles events?
Because again, like I'm enjoying getting to know you.
I don't want to offend you.
I don't want to upset you, but I want to know like, what, what is your opinion on this?
And just because he has an opinion doesn't mean that you have to agree with it.
It just gives you more information, which is what we're doing in level two is getting
more information.
You're just gathering information.
You're learning more about what is his preference?
What is his comfort level?
What is, what does he feel in alignment with?
What does he feel led to do?
And does that then align with what God is putting on your heart to align with?
You're just getting information.
It doesn't mean that you're being rejected.
It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with him.
It doesn't mean, but it literally is, uh, uh, are we in alignment?
So it's okay for me to ask this question is not having this, like I'm trying to control
or lead, right?
No.
As long as you're open, as long as it's the, I'm not, I'll ask you, is your heart posture
literally to kind of just get the information, see where he's at, not pressure and just say,
is it from a heart of, I'm still trying to respect and honor you, but it's also important
that I respect and honor myself too.
And, and communicating honest that planning all of these things out this far and ahead
did, you know, stir some things up in you and that's honest and that's okay.
And you can communicate that.
I mean, that's, this is where you ladies are learning what healthy communication looks
and feels like in dating.
But what if, what if I want him to initiate this conversation?
I want him to initiate this conversation.
You want it, but does that necessarily mean it's going to happen?
Does it mean like, does it mean that he can't potentially grow into leading those kinds
of things?
But is that, I mean, are you willing, like, cause here's the thing you want him to.
So are you going to sit and hang by and wait patiently until he does and then drive yourself
crazy and then try to sit here and do all these maneuvers until he, then that's just
gonna make you, you're gonna make yourself crazy.
That's the thing where I don't want to waste time.
But that's what I'm saying.
Like, that's where it's like, we've got to like, again, we're, we're all meeting each
other where we're at and we, we want something, we want someone to behave and act the way
we want them to.
It's not that they're not capable.
It just might mean they're not ready or they haven't learned how to do that and are, and
are they, is there a compatibility and an alignment and the potential for them to grow
into that?
Yeah.
I feel like every time I do ask him, he's super open.
He's not uncomfortable.
He's able to talk.
You're seeing, you're seeing green flags.
You're enjoying it.
You're, you're in that level two where things are still curious.
You're still enjoying the process.
You're still learning.
There is still some uncertainty there and that's okay.
You're growing.
you're learning, you're experiencing something new, he's probably experiencing something new.
Again, there's no right or wrong way to do this. I think the 90 days of waiting to go exclusive,
those are good guardrails to help you not rush into things for ladies that rush.
I'm giving you the release and the okay, you can kind of remove that for right now.
This is not about needing to stick to a rule. You get to remove a rule. This gets to be,
I'm not just trying to follow a rule. I'm just trying to learn how to do something different.
I'm trying to open communication differently. I'm trying to honor boundaries for myself,
for other people. That's what you are growing in. Okay, so here's the thing, ladies,
y'all can sit there and go 90 days, and then wait 90 days, and then go exclusive. And then
guess what? You'll still be finding yourself in the same situation. You just took 90 days to get
there. Right? It's about do something with those 90 days. Don't stay stuck doing the same thing
that you've always done in those 90 days and think after 90 days, it's a magical number and
something different is going to happen. No, it's what do you do with those 90 days?
What are you going to do differently in those 90 days that you never did before?
What are you doing differently in this connection, in this situation,
in this relationship that's differently that you didn't do in the past?
That's what I want you looking at. It's going to be different. It's going to feel
uncomfortable at times because it's new. And he's different. He doesn't respond like the men that
you've had before. He's very go with the flow. He's probably more standoffish, just like whatever,
you know? But you also want to make sure that you're not sitting in this place of control.
And I agree with that. You don't want to show up in control, but I also don't want you to sit
there and think not doing anything at all is not control. Yeah. So if he says, oh, I wouldn't like
that, but I can't like hold you back. I mean, what am I saying? And just say, thank you for sharing
that with me. So help me understand when would I know that you're ready to be exclusive? And then
that would be off the table. Okay. And he's going to have to decide. And guess what? That's on him.
You just sit there and just be like, okay, he might not be. And guess what? Then I'm going to
sit and ask you, if he says that, what are you believing on the inside? Is there something that
needs to get sorted out in here? If he says, oh, I want to be okay with that, but there's nothing
I can do because we're not exclusive. What's that mean for you? Well, I think the only question I
would have about myself is, did I ask it in the right timing? Other than that, I'd be like,
that's his problem. But like, I just don't. I wouldn't even question yourself about your timing.
I think it's, you're free to ask these questions because you guys are spending a lot of time
together. Oh, we're planning to, we started and we're planning time together. Exactly.
So it's okay. It's okay. If that's something that you're requesting, like that's okay.
It's just whether or not you're trying to control, manipulate, try to handle this,
you're sacrificing your own needs, desires, and wants, you're being okay with something,
even though you're not okay with it. Like, I don't want you stepping out of who you are and
who God's created you to be. And I also don't want you to align with anything about like,
if he's not ready, that has something to do with you.
Maybe he's just not ready. He's got some other things that he wants to sort out with it. And
guess what? That would be okay. Maybe he needs to get some things sorted out with himself before
he gets into an exclusive relationship. And who knows, maybe it needs to get sorted out and it
gets sorted out in three months. And then you get in an exclusive relationship with it. And then
that's exactly what he needed. But if you would have rushed it, rushed the exclusivity sooner
when he wasn't ready, then guess what? That wouldn't fall in alignment, would it?
And would that relationship actually unfold to a
what God would have potentially wanted it to turn into.
Because we now are stepping into what we want,
not what God's leading us to.
Because now, it's not just about us, it's about two people.
Two people and what God is directing both people,
because that's, I mean, that's marriage.
My husband came to me yesterday,
and he's like, I need to process something with you.
His partner came to him with this thing,
and he's like, laying something down on him
about potentially going into W-2 work again,
and my husband is not interested in doing W-2 work,
you know, he works for himself.
And what I said to my husband, I'm like, okay,
it was a lot for me to process,
because I'm like, I'm gonna sit here
and process things out of my own needs and wants,
and my own fears as a wife,
because you're sitting here talking about your job
and finances and all that kind of stuff,
and I'm like, that certainly affects me.
And so this is what I told him, I said,
honey, I need you to go write down
what it is that you want,
and what it is that you're concerned with,
what you think your partner wants,
and what you think your partner's concerned with.
I said, write all that out,
I said, go spend time with the Lord with it.
I said, when I get that, I said, I can read it,
if I have questions for you, I can come to you,
and I'm like, then I'm gonna go take all of that
to the Lord, privately.
I'm gonna go talk to the Lord about it,
you're gonna go talk to the Lord about it,
and guess what, we're married, we're in covenant.
We went before God and took a vow
to put him at the center of our marriage.
He's not gonna sit here and say something to me
that he's not gonna say something to you.
Whatever he says to me, and whatever he says to you,
will be in alignment if he wants us to do it.
But if God is telling me, nope, give it 90 days, Carla,
I'm gonna go tell my husband, like, you know, honey,
I don't have peace about it,
because I feel like God is wanting us to wait for 90 days,
and I don't know why, but we just need to wait for 90 days.
My husband's gonna be like,
okay, well, the Lord told me this,
but if the Lord said 90 days, then we'll shelf that.
Well, we're gonna come into alignment,
we're gonna take those steps.
You don't wanna rush anything just out of our own stuff.
Like, my husband is the type of person that will typically,
he gets a feather up his behind, and he just wants to move.
Like, he is a, he's an entrepreneur at heart,
he's like, let's, I've got this idea, let's do it.
And I'm like, well, that's a great idea,
let's pray and plan about it.
And, because I'm like, I have a lot of ideas too,
but I'm like, a little more practical.
I'm like, let's see how God wants to unfold this.
My husband sometimes gets so excited, he leads with that,
and we've gotten burned before doing that.
We went and signed contracts on things before,
and it put us in a really, really tough position,
because we didn't stop and like, both speak to the Lord,
and then like, we just made the decision together,
and I was just like, okay, honey, whatever you wanna do.
No, because he wanted what he wanted,
not what the Lord was guiding us to,
because guess what, the Lord was telling me,
like Carla, I don't, that's a, I'm unsettled with that,
and your husband needs to know there's an unsettling there,
so there needs to be a halt.
Let me figure and sort things out.
That's why we're better together, y'all.
That's why it's good to have two people in marriage,
because guess what?
You actually check each other before rushing into something
and stepping into our own will.
So I would encourage you,
don't worry so much about the emphasis
of if he's ready or not.
Just trust that God is moving and doing
what God needs to do in his life,
while God is moving and doing things
that he needs to do in your life.
Yeah, so I was gonna say, just because I asked a question,
doesn't mean I'm saying I wanna be exclusive with him.
It's just, I wanna have a discussion.
I just wanna check in where are we at.
It's not like, oh, tell me when you're exclusive,
and when you're ready to be exclusive, I will be ready.
It doesn't mean that, necessarily, either.
No, it's just, I wanna know where this pace is.
going so that I can plan and spend time with the Lord about this and see if the Lord is
giving me clarity and wisdom and the green light.
But I'm just checking in.
Are we on that page?
Are we moving in that direction?
And if we are, how am I going to know that?
And just say, because I've noticed that sometimes you are, like, one thing I like about you
is that you are go-with-the-flow, you're very easygoing, however, that's not something that
I'm used to.
I've never experienced guys that I've spent time with that have that personality, so I
don't know what to expect.
So I'm trying to learn what that looks like, so I need your help in communicating to me
where you're at.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Totally.
You're learning and you're building new muscles here.
Like you're working some muscles that you haven't worked before.
So it's going to feel, you're going to feel that burn afterwards, and then you're going
to be like, I don't know if I can lift this, I don't know if I can do it because I've never
done it.
No, you haven't.
But guess what?
You're not going to start off, like, with a hundred pound weight.
You can't do that.
You're going to start off with, like, one of those two or three pound weights, and you're
going to start there.
Like, okay, I'm comfortable with this.
Now I'm going to go pick up a five or ten pound weight, and then I'm going to go pick
up another.
Like, you see how we gradually move on?
I kind of said that earlier.
I'm going to gradually move on.
Okay?
Okay.
All right, y'all, I, this is the longest I think I've ever gone.
I feel like I'm going to get in so much trouble.
I, do you know, good dating site for, in order to meet people intentionally.
The only thing that's coming up in my spirit about-
Internationally, not intentionally.
International.
Oh, thank you.
I thought you said intentionally.
Y'all been on this computer for way too long.
International.
I feel like part of the delay in me moving is because I was trying to move back to something
that was familiar, and I knew what it was.
It's where I left.
I left Florida when I made the big move out of fear, but my heart's desire has always
been for as long as I can remember to live internationally, and I've always felt more
comfortable in other countries than I've ever felt in the U.S., except for when I lived
in Hawaii, and that's like living in its own country in and of itself.
It's a very different culture.
It's a whole different cultural aspect of things.
Well, I'm even like, the thing that's coming up for me, like what I'm hearing is, I don't
know if you necessarily need to go on a site that's specific to dating internationally,
but more or less, you getting on sites where there might be potentially, you're going to
probably want a pond that has a big pond, where there's the potential for somebody who
maybe lives in another country or someone who they themselves, like you might find someone
that lives in another state that's wanting to also have that same part and same thing
that God's put in them to live internationally.
Doesn't necessarily mean that they're living there now, but what if they're living somewhere
and God's saying, hey, I want you to go to Florida, because there is someone there that
you are going to go live internationally somewhere, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're
internationally now, but they also have the heart to travel and be international and live
somewhere, or you connect with somebody who knows someone that's living overseas.
Like you see what I'm saying, like I don't, and this is what God has been even kind of
showing me lately, is don't put God in a box of what he can do and how he can do it.
If God is telling you, hey, I want you to live internationally and you're going to be
married, just trust that.
He's telling you, he doesn't lie.
Okay, Lord, well, however you're going to do that, you need to make that very clear,
because that's a pretty, very particular promise, right?
So, Lord, I'm going to need you to show me what that looks like.
So, you make sure that you make it very clear to me.
Sometimes the Lord doesn't.
Ladies, sometimes the Lord will do that.
He will give us a very specific, and we think it's impossible,
but then he makes it so possible,
then we can't deny it, and then that's
when we know it's the Lord.
I'm very thankful, because God told me very clearly,
and I was just like, well, God, you're just
going to have to do something.
And he made it very apparent that my husband was my husband.
When he moved us to Hawaii, it was 100% God the whole way.
So it's like, OK, I can't argue with God right now.
So when the enemy wants to come in and sit here and try
to ruffle our feathers and make me think,
maybe I should have never moved to Texas,
maybe I should have never, no, Carla,
I told you what I promised you, and I wasn't lying,
and I did everything I said I was going to do.
It just doesn't look the way you thought it was going to look.
You've got to be open to how I want to do it, Carla.
You've got to be willing to walk in my will.
Stop trying to make it what you think
it's supposed to look like, and just trust that I've got you.
You've got to trust, ladies, in that uncertainty.
You've got to have peace in not having the understanding,
and trust the one who does.
He's got it worked out.
He's not asking for our help to work it out,
because he's already got it figured out.
So I just pray about, like, just ask me, like, Lord,
I just need some peace.
Give me some options, and give me
a peace about one to just go ahead and jump into.
I enjoyed Facebook dating.
That was me.
Like, that was the one I was most comfortable with.
That was the one I felt like Bethany had success with it.
I think Renee had success with it.
I had, like, I had success with it.
I didn't meet my husband through Facebook dating,
but I actually met my husband sort of through Facebook.
Like, just be open.
Be open to whoever God wants to introduce you to.
That would be my wisdom right there.
OK.
OK?
All right, ladies, I appreciate you so much.
Thank you for being patient with me and staying on.
Y'all are wonderful.
I love you.
I'm just making sure I call every.
The question I got for your husband
was what does God want to do with his company?
You know, not him and his partner,
what does God want to do with the company?
Yeah, and God's been doing some things to me and my husband.
So that's been, like, we're both feeling like God's just
bringing us a lot of breakthrough
on a lot of things we've been praying
for over the last three years.
And so that's why I told him, like, honey, I hope you're OK,
because I got 90 days.
All of June, all of July, all of August, God's like,
Carly, you have no, you are just going to wake up and do
what I tell you to do.
And I'm like, OK.
I'm like, all right.
And so my husband's like, well, I've
been fasting for like three or, I
think this is his fourth week fasting,
so he's got three more weeks after this.
I'm like, honey, I hope he starts doing some work in you
right now, because I feel like I'm getting all of it.
But yeah, so.
All right, ladies, I appreciate you all.
And keep your posts coming in the app, OK, ladies?
All right, talk to you soon.
Bye.