Yes and no because I've done this program before and then I just went to like went through
a rough season so I had to quit but I'm back again.
We're so happy to have you back.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So what year did you do it?
I did it last year and this went through a really crisis spot that I had to remove myself
from the program so.
Yeah okay and were you in phase one or phase two when you left the program?
I was in phase three.
Ah well we're happy to have you in phase two.
Who was your coach in this phase?
Renee?
Renee yeah.
Ah okay cool cool well we're happy to have you back.
Thank you.
You're welcome and I know the Lord is excited to have you back because he has a big love
story with your name written all over and so we're excited to do this with you.
I hope so.
Oh yeah oh yeah get your hopes up up up up up that's the only way you survive them.
You can't hear anything oh no all right so good to see you Kaylee will your name be set
as Kaylee?
Rat Waxer is it Kaylee?
No.
Hi sorry I'm just uh hold on uh one second it's like I just logged in and okay wait what's
happening it's all uh I'm sorry um.
I can't see y'all anymore can I can I can you come back to me okay wait wait hi now
I see y'all hey um sorry I've been on no worries at all it's so good to meet you my computer's
doing funny things and it's okay I can hear you though yeah if you can hear me yes it's
my first uh time on this call with you guys so thank you for having me oh we're so happy
to have you we're so happy to have you if there any other San Antonio people Tiffany
I was telling um Kaylee on the post tonight uh on on the wall that she was looking for
somebody in San Antonio but I was telling her that we have some people in Temple um
and then we're gonna all get together she's coming up to Austin for a few weeks this summer
and we're gonna all get together with uh Alexandria for her job thank you awesome and my daughter
is actually in New Braunfels and so I'm in that area every so often anyway so we need
to connect yeah um paddle boarding over there I live kind of more closer like it's only
I live 30 minutes from New Braunfels so I'm more on the that side yeah yeah y'all should
exchange information in the chat Kaylee said that she's working to build community right
yes ma'am yeah I was wondering I didn't know the rules as far as like sharing phone numbers
and like uh things like that how to um get in contact with people on yeah yeah what's
appropriate most of hers and also um there is a the the San Antonio last year single
Facebook group is very active so it's a lot of ladies in San Antonio so go to resources
we go to resources you're going to go to what those groups called there's some kind of group
you're going to go to it is going to have a code it's a spreadsheet then it has a code
you click the link single city that's right thank you Tiffany single city there's a code
you click the link put the code in they'll accept you into the group okay okay thank
you for that yeah did I go too fast I wrote down no I think I got it thank you go to resources
and then once you get the resources you're going to look for single city and then you're
going to San Antonio Austin but I think it's probably San Antonio just do both of them but
they're pretty active okay thank you yeah you're welcome friend I don't know anyone in Canada
Nikki okay I'm back to friend Nikki's here so I don't know anyone but I know a pretty she's in
I mean phase three she just left phase two she's in Ottawa Ottawa is that far from you okay I'm
supposedly hopefully
We may be going up to visit her this summer.
And so maybe we can find a way to connect all three of us.
If it's not like 10 hours from you,
is it like how many hours is it away?
Five.
Oh, we probably made it halfway.
I don't know.
We'll talk about it.
Okay.
Hello, everyone.
I hadn't seen Nikki in a while.
I will shout all of us out.
So it's not like that.
Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.
Anyway, it's so good to see all of y'all.
Let's get started.
Yes, let's get started.
So tonight it's gonna be,
I always think it's a very simple coach.
Oh, and so let me say this.
For all of our first timers, this is how it works.
You'll watch one video a week.
You can post on the group, your aha moments.
You don't have to have watched videos to come to coaching.
Coaching is all about you, whether you're dating or not.
It could be a job issue.
It could be a family issue.
It could be just a youth thing going on,
fear, joy, excitement, things that happen,
things you grow from.
We'll have activations after the coaching.
So these activations aren't geared toward a man.
They're geared toward you and developing your capacity.
And so I just wanted to say that this is your session.
It's all about you.
Not if you're dating, but dating is fun too.
And we want you to date.
Okay.
All right.
So tonight, one of the things that we recognize,
and I have my notes outlined,
so I won't be all across the place,
is that most of our dating questions
where they could be about attraction,
sometimes they're about a lot of attraction exclusivity
or spiritual things,
but they're more about wanting certainty.
Like how can we guarantee you certainty
before enough information exists?
So what does that look like?
It looks like you want the certainty of level three
in a level one.
And since level one is just exchange and communication,
the first time you say hello,
that kind of looks like,
well, the first conversation,
can I just ask you, you know,
where you go to church at?
Do you speak in tongues?
I don't know.
Do you read your Bible every day?
For us, they really, you know,
you know, are you mentored?
Do you have a mentor?
You know, all of those questions are living,
we want phase level three information
from a level two, getting to know phase.
So that says that you want certainty
where it's not time for certainty.
And because you desire certainty,
it actually puts you in a position
that you believe what a person tells you is the truth.
Because once they tell you what you want to hear,
your mind will say back to me,
oh no, I'm gonna watch them to see.
But it automatically puts a guard down.
And we're not talking about guards like walls,
we're talking about guardrails.
So it automatically release something in you
because you feel like they've checked all the boxes.
Now you can read, go through our posts and you can read.
Someone will say, I met this really great person,
they have all three Ms,
they checked all of my boxes,
we've been dating, talking for two days,
and we're gonna try to go out at the end of the week.
So that tells me you ask them questions
while y'all were talking and a plenty of them,
and you start checking your box.
And so then you show up and say, they have the three Ms,
they are marriage-minded, they are masculine,
and they mature, and they check all of my boxes.
I'm so excited.
Masculinity is measure over experience.
Maturity is measure over experience.
And marriage-minded, we can say we're marriage-minded
and not be marriage-minded.
That is also measured over experience with the person.
And the same way that all of us can say that we're feminine,
same way all of us can say that we are mature,
and the same way that all of us can say
that we're marriage-minded,
yet we fail to submit ourselves to order and boundaries
that will produce the outcome that you desire.
It is no different.
And so sometimes in the process,
you believe you got to make sure you watch him
to make sure he lined up with everything you want
and everything you need,
but you fail to cause yourself
to come under some type of order
that you may also produce that.
One of the most challenging things,
I think for a lot of us in this program,
it depends on how you were raised,
is to produce a level of femininity.
Where there's fear present is hard to operate in femininity.
Femininity comes from a vulnerable, soft space,
not an unwise place.
So don't hear vulnerability and hear unwise.
Vulnerability and wisdom are married to each other.
OK, so a lot of times you're not going to be able to produce that femininity
that's needed to attract a masculine man because you are operating out of fear
and you want certainty and when you want certainty, you become like a detective
and you hone in on every single thing and you create a scenario in your mind
and you treat people of the you treat people the way you have created
the scenario in your mind.
You will treat a person based on what you believe is happening.
What happens when we do that?
We're not curious anymore.
Dating for discovery is about curiosity, not certainty.
It literally removes curiosity.
We go into protection mode,
believe that certainty gives you safety, it makes you feel safe.
It's all about you.
It's me, too.
I would like to give you ladies a world where everything is certain.
If I could literally line me up and marry
y'all off, I am telling you, I would all of us in this program.
We pray for your marriages.
We don't just talk about your marriages.
We pray for your kingdom marriages,
for the release of husbands, for you in the wellness of the whole person that you are.
So let's get into this.
Let's talk about this.
So what was dating designed for?
Dating is designed to reveal information.
And this is one of the painstaking parts
of dating because it requires a lot of restriction on your behalf.
I'm talking from a person who knows every time I date somebody,
I have to practice the same thing that I'm telling you.
It doesn't change.
Whether you like a person or not, but if you like them even more,
or if you feel attracted to them, it's going to be even harder.
OK, and so dating is designed to reveal information.
It's discovery.
It is God in the driver's seat.
So why are we struggling so much?
If you've never had God in the driver's seat of any parts of your life?
Y'all
don't believe you can tell yourself over and over again, I'm God defended,
I'm God defended.
You really don't have a lot of experience with being God defended.
Because you there are areas you have not allowed God to be in the driver's seat.
And so you we come into this wonderful
program where God is actually the captain.
This is not some podcast or YouTube video or reel of or women or men saying work
this, this, this, this, and then it's going to produce this.
And it's still don't do it.
It just puts you in a performance mode.
This is a program that says when your heart
is healthy, what a water attracts to its own level.
When you're healthy and you learn the skills of dating,
you will date successfully and you will marry.
And because God's hand is on it, there is a level of acceleration.
Okay, so that's what that is.
And so so then what do we do about it?
One thing you need to know is for sure,
if God has never been in the driver's seat in many areas in your life,
heaven is rejoicing because this is the one thing you keep coming to him about.
And he's like, oh, we're going to get some stuff done today.
My daughter wants a husband and she wants
some bad, and even though she's wrongly judged me, she's accusing me.
Why ain't you brought my Amazon package yet?
Do what you said you're going to do.
I want a husband.
I've been waiting 15 years, 10 years, 12 years.
I know I stayed in the wrong relationship 10 years, but that's OK.
I have been free of it for six months.
Give me a husband.
And no, I don't need to work on anything.
I'm perfect. He needs to be a B, C, D.
And because you won't give up, neither will he.
And so he keeps working, planning your life.
He keeps allowing, allowing for disappointment.
So there's something in your heart could
break open until you say, OK, God, how do you want to do this?
What? Forget it.
I'll give it over to you.
I'm tired, I'm tired of trying to make this work.
And for some of us, it takes a long time to get there.
It took me a long time to get there.
And when you get there, you don't live there.
You literally have to keep renewing it day by day.
Pick it up, put it down, pick it up, put it down, pick it up, put it down.
There's the cycle. Pick it up.
Put it down for a while.
Pick it back up because you're kind of excited.
I think it's going to work. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, do your A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
You had put it down so long, you forgot about all your skills that you hadn't learned.
decide right and so it's this it's a cycle until one day you say god you know what if it never comes
my way i'm okay no there's a hard statement to make even when i said it to the lord i was nervous
myself but i'm like i don't know if i want to say that because i really don't feel that way but i
know you want me to have a husband lord so i'm not even concerned about that that's kind of like
so anyway um it's a journey hear me ladies it's a journey and it's a journey worth taking
and some of us will find that we will be married in six months seven months three months two years
i don't want to say too many years because when people used to say that stuff around me i'm like
shut your mouth don't you dare say it took you five years get married around me i don't care
how beautiful your love story is i don't want it so no one else telling you the truth i'm like do
not tell me it took you seven years i don't know what you were doing but i don't want to do that
plan so every person is different every person has things that has happened in them that god
needs to build up to get them to to to attract what is of their level because he knows that
one day you're going to get there and if you choose where you are now you're going to have a
bigger problem than you could ever imagine because if you outgrow your spouse and they never come up
and he is the leader of the home and you're the woman you're about to live in chaos because aside
from accepting jesus as your lord and savior the next most important thing in your life is who you
marry and so right now you want a man you want somebody to lay beside you you have all these
fantasies and big dreams about what this husband's going to bring to the table but if he ain't got it
he ain't got it and there's a destiny d8 dna in you now if you want to live a mediocre life it's
easy to marry a mediocre lives you don't want much you don't make you wrong but that's just who you
are that's just like some people just want somebody who goes to church some people just
want people who watch church on tv some people need somebody they're already in ministry this
man's going to be in ministry they know they're headed to ministry some people gonna need
missionaries because they're called to the mission field everybody has a different level of what is
needed based on who they are their dna and how far they're gonna go and that's why comparison is not
gonna work best in your favor because you don't know that like there i have a friend who got in
the program i introduced her to the program this is before i started coaching i've been in the
program almost a year that thing got in this program did her little phase and by january
yeah yeah was engaged and i said
oh no said lord what kind of foolery is this and in my self-righteousness i said and i'm holier
what kind of stuff is this so self-righteous i'm a recovering pharisee people so
so i'm like this is crazy
and and though i love her and we're very close and i love her husband that's not the marriage i want
i'm not designed for that type of marriage and they have a nice simple life but i wasn't born
for that level of life right god is good friend we're all recovering pharisees now and so i just
want you know and so we'll see things and somebody say oh well god did this listen people you don't
know the ins and outs of people marriages you don't know what they're struggling in their house
you don't know the areas of growth that are necessary you don't know what's killing them
from the inside you don't know about their small foxes that are destroying the vine i've been
married before so i understand some of those dynamics and i've been around a lot of married
people i've seen marriages make it through some i didn't think anybody anything could bring it
from the grave and god did and i've seen marriages who god told them when they got married they were
for each other just as he says you're for each other doesn't mean that it's going to sustain
itself you have to have communication skills you have to have grace you have to have mercy you have
to operate in forgiveness you cannot be entitled in marriage you have to be selfless and all of
those things are really hard challenging things to do you can look at your own life right now
you don't do it while you're by yourself you think you're gonna voila you're gonna all of a sudden be
that when you get married you're not if you're a parent you know for yourself as hard as you would
like to be something for your child you are limited by your level of development and before
you know it you blow up on them all over again because they triggered you and you don't you're
not working boundaries you're not
not working things that will help you.
You ain't never read a book.
And it's a struggle.
And there's no manual unless you go get one.
And so you do the best you can with what you have
and sometimes the best you have is the reason why some of us
show up here and have to do the hard work, which everybody's
going to have the hard work because we raised by humans.
But still, think about your life and the best that you got
and what did it produce.
So you can look at things all around you.
It's not a blame game.
It's the way things are.
And so that's why you're in this program.
Not to know when you click on the first person
if they're your husband.
You're in this program to build your capacity
so that the boundary lines can fall for you in pleasant places
because honestly, I'm going to tell you, I don't believe.
This is not on the paper.
I don't believe that, and this may
be a little hard to bite on or chew on when I say it,
but I believe it for my life as well.
I don't believe that a person who's
completely prepared and ready that the Lord will overlook.
I don't believe we're ever overlooked by God.
And I believe that if I'm not standing at the altar
right now today like I'm talking to you and I'm not there,
then what are you doing in my life, Father?
Because you have deemed something else more significant.
And you said, that thing is coming.
I want to work on this right now.
And that takes a lot to trust that what he's doing
is best for us because we don't practice
that muscle a whole lot sometimes.
And for every area, it's different.
You can easily do it in one area.
In the other area, you can't, especially marriage and dating
because there's so many of your own heart issues going on.
Am I good enough?
Nobody will ever pick me.
Am I pretty enough?
Do I have what it takes?
So you got all of that going on.
And then you're trying to mix it in.
But I believe God said it and got this and got that
and got this and got that.
And so the Lord ideally wants to free you from that bondage
because that's not going to serve you.
If you don't know how to open up your mouth
and advocate for yourself on a date
with a person you don't know,
you're not going to do it when you get in marriage.
Whatever is keeping you bound now
is the same bondage you carry on the other side.
And it's very important that you learn boundaries.
You're going to need boundaries in marriage.
Nothing's going to change.
You need boundaries on your job.
You need boundaries with your children.
You need boundaries with your church members.
You need boundaries with your own self, right?
So, all right.
So now, next thing.
Certainty often feels safer than curiosity.
Safety, safety definitely feels.
Certainty feels way more safe than curiosity.
And this is, y'all believe it or not,
I have people in my ear all the time saying,
okay, would you like to act that in a curious way?
And I'm like, no, I need an answer
so I can know what I'm going to do next.
Yeah, that's what I need.
But curiosity, curiosity helps you
navigate the process better.
Why?
Certainty makes you settle on a thing.
Certainty says, I know they're going to be
on the coaching call at seven o'clock
because they're always on the coaching call at seven o'clock.
Certainty causes you to say, yep, this is it.
Curiosity produces curiosity.
And you're like, well, he did call every day last week.
Let's see how this week goes.
When you become curious, things don't sting badly
because you were never in a state of certainty.
You were in a state of curiosity.
Now, it sounds simple coming out of my mouth,
but the stakes keep getting higher and higher
and you have to work to maintain it.
And that is not easy, but it is doable.
Especially when you like a person
and they do carry qualities that you've not seen
and they are sustaining.
So if they start sustaining over time,
then guess what?
You're now a fruit inspector.
I don't know what it is about them first two weeks.
It's like a make a break.
If you make it through the first two weeks,
it's like, you know, if you make it through two weeks,
sometimes it's good for two days,
but it's something about that two week mark.
In the same way, something about a two week mark
is something about a 60 day mark.
And if you think a 60 day mark is something,
you make it to 90 days,
you will literally see the fullness of what Jackie teaches.
Because you're gonna see how you change
from week one to week two, to week three, to week four.
After you start getting used to a person,
your performance drops a bit.
All of us wear a mask in dating,
we put our best foot forward, all right?
And so then you start dropping.
and your mask too.
And then you go on to the 60 days.
And then 90 days, all of a sudden you start seeing things
about them that you don't really like
and you getting a bit tired of.
They're not new and fresh anymore.
You don't have all those feelings
rushing through you anymore.
The fantasy is no longer as alive as it was
when you first met them.
And so you start seeing things at 90 days
that you wouldn't see.
Now, what does that sound like?
You think I'm finna give 90 days to somebody
to walk away, right?
Those are some of the thoughts that happen.
But curiosity allows you to do that.
And when you start going into 60 days,
if you've made it that far,
you're gonna start having some type of emotional attachment
and then you're gonna have to manage that.
And you say to yourself,
well, I don't feel like doing it.
I don't wanna do it.
Well, you have that option too.
You have the option to go with your emotions.
They may lead you wrong.
It is gonna hurt.
And sometimes it feels so good,
you'll be like, I'm just gonna go with it.
I've done it before.
I crashed and burned.
You see, I'm not married, right?
It's, it hurt bad, man.
Like, I mean, you come back, right?
But so anyway, so let me ask you this.
So let's see.
Certainty often feels safer than curiosity.
I wanna say all these things.
The need for certainty,
we talked about this really early on,
is rooted in fear.
Would we agree?
If you want certainty,
you're trying to get away from fear.
You believe that this certainty
is gonna relieve your fear
and it does temporarily
till you find out something else.
And then what does curiosity,
so fear looks for answers,
but curiosity asks questions.
Y'all, curiosity is way better.
It's way, way better.
It makes you feel better.
Please try it.
Please, please, please.
I beg of you to practice curiosity.
You don't get offended by people
when you practice curiosity
because you never had an expectation.
But when you seek out certainty,
you put an expectation on it.
And the thing that's gonna be most hurt
at the end of the day
is the expectation you had.
Okay?
So discussion, let's talk about this.
What is your biggest fear
when it comes to dating?
Now, some common fears,
if you can't identify them,
is rejection, fear of wasting time,
fear of getting hurt,
your fear of choosing wrong,
and then fear of disappointment.
So I want you guys to post in the chat,
what is your biggest fear
when it comes to dating?
I know, mm-hmm.
Yeah, and Kaylee,
integration instead of getting to know someone,
asking someone lots of questions.
So you sit down,
you got a whole laundry list of questions,
but you're not letting conversation flow
where you learn about them as they talk.
Well, Mike, I've done that before.
And now looking back,
I was like, that's really mean to do to someone
to feel like,
I felt like it was just kind of,
oh, I want to weed this guy out.
Like my neighbor wanted to set me up on a date
and I was like, oh, well, he's this to domination.
So I already had a like,
yeah.
What do you call it?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
A fear.
Reconception.
Somebody said, okay.
Getting hurt, choosing wrong,
falling too hard, too fast,
and getting overly emotionally attached
and then it doesn't work out.
I know.
Choosing wrong, fear of rejection.
So all of us are about in the same boat,
saying the wrong thing.
Oh, it's funny.
That's a good one.
Anyone have fear of saying the wrong thing?
Fear of rejection, fear of reliving past hurts,
fear of letting my emotions run away
and overriding what I'm learning.
Come on.
Baby, them emotions will take you so fast,
your head will spin.
You're gonna wake up and say, where I been?
You'll almost have a hangover.
Literally feels like a hangover.
You'll be like.
You'll go over there.
It's hard to come back.
Everything feels so real.
And then you'll be like,
Kylie, it's only been three days.
How did I get here?
I'm like, what is this?
Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.
This is all so good.
And so one of the things I want you ladies to remember
that the same fears you have.
Men carry fears as well. This is not on the script, but I need you to remember that so when you come with all of your high demands
What they should be and who they should be and what they should do and they're not pursuing you and they're not doing this and they're
Not doing that. I want you to remember reciprocity
And I want you to remember that everyone comes to the table a lot of times with a fear
It doesn't mean that you accept less than what's best for you. That's not what I'm saying
But what I'm saying is don't require out of somebody else or put a standard on them that you've not put on yourself
If you carry fear of rejection be mindful that they're human just like you they're just the male counterpart
And you're the woman that came out of the man
Okay, and so we're people first
See people as people that's a big big help
See people as people
All right, so attraction doesn't always arrive like fireworks who looks for fireworks when they meet somebody. I
Know somebody's just posted. Yeah, they said they posted we've been on two dates, but you know what? I don't think I'm attracted
So what do I do about that? The dates were great. That's the voice I hear when I read
The dates were great, but I'm not attracted. And so I don't know what I do about that and I'm like, okay
And so attraction matters, but it's not always immediate
Fireworks can be intensity
Familiarity dopamine and emotional activation not necessary compatibility. What does that mean?
You know that feeling you get when you kiss somebody and it feels so good
That's the feeling we're talking about a lot of times
You can be attracted to person baby. You could feel stuff just running all through your body. There's some real
There's some attraction you literally can't feel it
And so we sometimes we think oh, they call it chemistry if I'm not attracted to a person
But I know y'all had to hear psychologists say but you not psychotic
You heard Jackie say that most of the time the most secure person you're gonna meet is the boring me
You
Listen if you get your hands on a good mature marriage minded masculine, man
Won't you bring the phone to the relationship? What you gonna do?
What's your role because I'm telling you I ain't gonna pass one up now
I was I will not I will not if you if you've been I know a lot of us ladies
Possibly have been married here, you know that chemistry does not sustain a marriage
It just does not I don't care how they look it is not sustainable
Everything everything
The Bible says that these things that are now won't always be like it says beauty is fleeting
You living with a person
Right everything is subject to life
So anyway, but you just say I know what you say coach, but I just can't help it
Okay, and everybody has their limit, you know, I say I'm not a big looks person
Is attraction about how you feel or or
How fine you think Sonya's these don't seem to be the same. I agree. I think that but some people
associate attraction with looks
but you can be attracted to a person and not attracted to their looks and I just want to I want to speak on that
Because I've talked to a lot of people before and I want I wasn't attracted to their looks
Sometimes I'm attracted to their skin color. We won't talk about outer appearance. Sometimes it's just their skin color
Sometimes it's how broad their shoulders are. Sometimes if they're Hispanic is they look telly telly to the stomach?
I don't know why I like them. They had a little stomach. They're Spanish weirdest thing
But anyway, so you're not to marry but to date so, you know, it's different things
But I am highly attracted to intelligence
Is so everybody is attracted to something different highly attracted to a tennis of your
intelligent not book smart so much but intelligent can navigate things and can break things down and you can teach and you could just
Bob in and out and we've been out of things. I'm locked on. It's like, oh, yeah, we going somewhere now
I'm got a man with a plan. So everybody it is different
Yes, and you can become like she'll say you can become attracted to God to get to know them
Ideally, that's what you want to see you give it enough time for things to come forth out of them that you say
You know what? I like this fruit. I like how generous is he is with this time? I like his consistency
I like that. He cares for his mother that tells me a lot about him. I like that, you know, he
He's a good father.
I like that he actually invest.
I like that these different things about him.
I like the way that he thinks.
I like the way that he's always thanking God
in the good and in the bad.
I like how teachable he is.
I like the way he asks questions.
I like how quickly he is to forgive.
So then you start looking for a lot of those things, okay?
So instead of asking, do I feel everything right now?
Ask, is there enough attraction and curiosity to keep going?
That's why we say it's a yes, tell us a no.
So what you're saying is, is there enough curiosity?
Enough curiosity and enough attraction to keep moving.
If you're starting with certainty,
you'd be wanting to say no after the first date.
I get a lot of no's after the first date around here.
You know what?
I just don't think he's my type.
Oh yeah, based on what?
I mean, the date was fine, but he's just not my type.
Based on what?
Right?
And so that means we've made some type of solid decision
about whoever you're talking to.
If you want to cut loose clearly, surely,
yes, you can do that.
But we want you to stay curious
because that really helps your process.
Don't think of it like I keep giving them a chance.
It is actually you stay,
is that you stay in it long enough
to discover things about you.
As a matter of fact, if you meet a man,
he's kind and he's wonderful.
I say, date him more and longer
so you can learn you in a safe environment.
Now, what you do not do is,
if you know you've made a decision,
you don't allow them to keep paying for dinners for you
or doing all those things
and you know you've made a decision, right?
So you can kind of like start splitting the bill
or grabbing the bill.
Or if you see that they're more attracted to you
than you are to them at some point, you need to tell them.
So after the third date, decisions need to be made.
Not if you're exclusive, but if you want to move forward.
But sometimes the safer the guy,
the more you get to learn about yourself
in a safe environment, all right?
Because it's low stakes.
Spiritual leadership is revealed through patterns.
And so some of us may say,
I need to know how much of a spiritual leader they are.
That's not even possible to know
if a person's a spiritual leader
and knowing them one week, two weeks, three weeks.
Sometimes not even four weeks.
You just been knowing them for four weeks, literally.
Like you're literally just getting to know them.
And so you have to observe their patterns
to determine if they will make a good spiritual leader.
And those are patterns over moments of time.
Everybody can be nice and kind and wonderful,
even us when everything is going good, right?
And so these patterns have to be observed over moments
because you can't make a determination over moments.
Even if they serve in leadership,
that doesn't mean anything.
So you want to look for consistency over time.
How do you notice those patterns
when you aren't studying or praying together at that point?
Okay, so patterns.
How do we know if a person is a good spiritual leader?
It has nothing to do with how much they read their Bible
or how well they pray.
There are lots of people who read their Bible and pray now.
Reading your Bible and praying is a spiritual discipline.
And now of all my spiritual people on the line,
a lot of us don't read our Bible all the time.
And you know that, whoever you may be.
And you may go to church all the time,
but you don't read your Bible.
You may be on the worship team,
but you don't read your Bible.
You could be on the prayer team
and you don't read your Bible.
You could pray all the time
but you're praying about everything you want.
You ain't praying no scripture
because you don't know no scripture.
I'm just telling you the truth.
Like eat all of these things
that we want to measure somebody off of.
That's why you measure fruit.
Because my fruit tell you, yes, I know.
I've been through season.
I'm like, I ain't read my Bible for nobody.
And so there are times where I'm building the altar
of the word in my life and I'm going hard after it.
And then I learn and then I stay in that place.
So, but you, a person's character will reveal
the law that's at work on the inside of them.
And so the law on the inside of me
is that I treat others more highly than myself
is going to show up in desert scripture
and it shows up in my behavior.
Right?
And so that's the thing.
So reading the Bible and praying together
are not necessary for that.
So what kind of patterns do we want to look for?
Are they teachable?
Do they pursue God consistently and intentionally?
So listen, you know you want someone
that has the ability to be a spiritual leader.
Okay.
Well, it's probably not a good idea for you to try to go into an exclusive relationship with the men who don't really go to church
You're not here to be Jesus
And you're not here to be their pastor
And so if you know that your goal is someone who's more of a spiritual leader when you start getting to know them and you
Like them if you in 60 days or so and you see that they don't have any allegiance to
Their spiritual growth and then you ask questions you get curious even before then you can be curious
Um, is there evidence of fruit?
Right and is the does he take responsibility and how does he handle adversity?
Okay
You have to let time reveal what only time can reveal so you can ask a lot of questions
But these things only time can reveal
So, um
And I said this at the beginning I'm gonna say it now many times we are trying to evaluate husband-level qualities during discovery dating
Husband-level qualities only only only come with time
Anything before time is just what they say
And you can say well is what I see. Yeah over three weeks. You ain't been no one on long enough. You can't justify it
Anybody could do something for three weeks. How many y'all get on the diet and do good for a week?
Talk to everybody. Yeah, girl. I'm eating this I'm doing it. That's what I'm doing
I'm going to the gym. Look go on a vacation come back everything and one after wonder
But you were committed you were dedicated like we can see these in simple things in life
Or that weekend that you go on the sugar binge some I
Have to fight money tears and wins get back sugar get back. I'm not doing you no more
I'm all for you like sugar fights me for at least three days through the week if I went on the sugar binge on the weekend
It is like
Just loose me and let me go
But so you got to keep those things in mind these are natural things and you can see all around you it's just called a process
What if God is asking you to trust the process? I want y'all to hear that question again and let it sit down on the inside
What if God is asking you to trust the process?
What do you think about that put your thoughts in the in the comment section
What if God is asking you to trust the process?
What if your marriage is not a suddenly it is hard come on tell the truth
You
Yeah, it's been a bit discouraging yep, he teaches me so much about it
So yes, he does I've been trusting I've been trusted the process my entire life. No
It is a comforting thought he has it all under control. I can't mess it up. Okay
It feels scary, but I guess that the definition of faith, huh, I know right who's fan out with these real definitions
Are we like, are you serious? That's what this is because I didn't think it would look this way
whoo
Love this out and it's giving me the opportunity to trust the process in this job search it really like dating for discovery
Oh, yeah
Yeah impatient, but I want to grow in there
Feel like it's been a long time already
Yeah, if God is asking me to trust the process I want to respond. Will you let me trust you in an expedient time frame?
Yes, that's good. Um, I want you all to
Really sit with this because that is the truth
You've come to a cross and fork in the road the same way you had to trust God through your hard work if you actually
Really dug in deep. This is this is the thing
if I could tell you one thing that
really
trips us up in this process in the way that this
the Lord has given this to Jackie is
Us trusting God in the process
Because we could trust him in one area and not know the way in the next area and that's okay because it's not one
It's not one way fits all
It's just not how that works with God everything affects you differently as an individual
So where there's fear so
Some people's like, yeah, I'm ready for the ride, but they're actually afraid to talk to somebody.
So it feels like they're trusting, but actually they're not, they're hiding.
And some people rush it because they fear, because they want certainty. Do you understand
the different dynamics? Some of us say, I want a baby, I want children, hurry up God,
I'm not gonna be able to have children, I'm not gonna be able to have a family,
hurry up God, hurry up God, as if he's not the author of family.
And so we have these demands that oftentimes causes us to judge the father incorrectly.
And so sometimes we'll judge him and believe in our heart that he's withholding a good thing from
us. Why would you withhold good from me? Okay, I've done everything I should do, where is he?
Or even bigger question, if you had the answer, would you seek him the way you are now?
How many of us have spent more time seeking God since we wanted a spouse
than any other areas in our life? You can be honest, it's okay, I mean,
like it's a thing you really want, so it's very possible. Yeah, come on, that's right.
I know that I was very much, very, very, very much one of those hats that it really
is a growth process. It really is a journey and God is trying to get to something in your heart.
But if that's the case, then go get you a man. You don't have to take this path.
There are some men out there that will marry you, but I know that you know
that God has the best and you want quality.
And you know, don't nobody carry quality like the Lord. And that is the truth. And so,
I honestly, I had to be honest with you, even in my own heart, that question triggers things for me.
What is God asking you to express? So I feel little kinks going down in my heart, like,
yeah. So then my question, well, what do your process look like? And how long are you going to
take? What is this about? And so how much longer do I have to wait? But what if we have a
misunderstanding of waiting? What if heaven is waiting on us? What if you've never done it this
way before? What if there are things in your heart, things in the way you think, things even
in your family lineage, it can be that you've inherited that is the hindrance to you getting
married and not the Lord. Do you believe the Bible says that he'll withhold no good thing from us?
And so do I believe the scripture over my own experience? Sometimes our own experience is
is much more real than the scripture.
So, there's always something that heaven is working on in our hearts. I just believe it.
I believe it because I'm a product of it. And I've said this many times to you all before,
the man that I would choose today would not be the man that I would chose even four months ago,
three months ago. This is how quickly I changed before my very eyes.
And I see now that I would have cut myself way short because the woman that God has designed
is a masterpiece. And I'm not talking from no high thing in my head. I look, he told me one
day, he said, you would be amazed at the specs that I put on you. Watch me. Watch me show you
how I designed you. You're going to be amazed. And I am still growing and still learning. And
he has not fallen short of that word. And that is the same for each and every one of you. When
heaven stamps something, you better believe it's the absolutely best because only extravagance
lives in heaven. Everything about heaven is extravagant. And that is the place in which
you came from. And heaven has your very best. And I know it was a long process. You ain't got
to tell me, baby, we preach to the choir around here, but however the Lord is working to get you
to an expected end. The destination is sure, but I don't want you to miss your flight. I was
listening to Reverend Sam Oye. He's from somewhere in Nigeria. I think it'd be Nigeria, somewhere
over there. And he does a lot of teaching on kingdom marriage and things like that. And he
said it resonated with me so much. He said, the destination is sure. It's this in-between space
that you need to fix your eyes on. I've seen too many people get married in this program to know
that the destination is sure.
sure we had over 1600 marriages i am convinced i tell the lord all the time i said i know
marriage is not a hard thing so what's this we got going on here with me
because it ain't hard this is a light thing to do
so that means you're doing something that i need to get on board with
so the destination is sure but it's the in-between time and it says what are you gonna do
you're gonna sit around and wait but you're gonna get busy living your best life and being fulfilled
because the other option is to whine and cry and be mad and i've done it and it don't feel good
and i've done it again it didn't feel good that time i mean you're a little while you know but
then after that it's like oh this sucks anyway so we're gonna post the activation um for you
and you ladies to do um and this is a really good one you can do it in a journal the letters are so
small i have to hold the paper i think i'm gonna have to go to the eye doctor y'all let them get
me some they say after you get 40 i'm not claiming something for myself so don't hear that but they
say you have to i have to pull the back page back like this i'll be like oh i see i can see everything
i remember seeing my mama do that and i see all my aunties do that they'll be like let me see
and so i have to pull back they say like you have to get the zoom in on it so the activation is
gonna be you you ladies are gonna um we're gonna work on that certainty you're desiring to know
certainty about everything you don't just do it in dating if you look over your life you do it
over your whole life i know that i am definitely that um so you're gonna this the prompts are
gonna be there what am i wanting certainty about and for everybody else it's gonna be something
different we have some people who are looking for a job we have some people who are looking to move
you know uh there could be a lot of things i have a friend her dog is dying she wants
certainty that he's gonna live you know we can have certainty about our children
um wanting certainty about their paths and lives or what and then once you do that you ask yourself
what emotion am i feeling and what fear might be underneath it and what has god already revealed
that i can trust today
that's a big one i'm gonna post and our last activation was amazing i hope y'all did it
don't feel like i'm talking all over the place even though i am we're going somewhere
but oftentimes you gotta take baby steps and say what is god revealing that i can trust right now
because i can't live in six months from now a year from now and i can't live in scarcity
it's it don't feel good it sucks actually and so what is god revealing right now that i can trust
and so we're gonna post it and uh you'll have that too did anyone participate in the activation that
we posted for last week anyone get a chance to take your stab at it i think that it was one of
i think that it was one of the most important ones
okay uh we're not we're gonna post it on the wall um kaylee so you'll have it everything
will be written out so you can see yeah it'll be up for a whole week that one was of course
you're welcome that that activation helps with your nervous system and that certainty that you
want and one of the one of the things you did in the activation was not assigning an outcome to
what you're observing do you know what that means that means i see something um let me pick on
somebody tiffany looks at me and she rolls her eyes i can pick on tiffany because she feels safe
with me she rolls her eyes and i i attach an outcome to that oh it must be when i said this
the reason why she's so upset with me well all i was doing was just doing what i was supposed to do
or i was just seeing what i needed to say it really wasn't against her i took her action
and made a sign of something i took an observation i made and i assigned an outcome to it or if
somebody's supposed to take you back and then it takes you back well i guess they talking to plenty
of women i guess they talking to somebody else they used to talk to me at this time like you
could take anything and assign an outcome to it and so what happens is when we observe something
instead of saying an observation when we assign an outcome to it we they usually come from the
pathways in our brain fear is activated you're doing something to make you feel safe
and then the nervous system is all worked up because now you're fearful you're only going
to feel fear if this nervous system is worked up you're going to feel something
joy fear whatever you associate these things with and so in dating it is very important
that you learn the skill of not attaching an outcome to your observations
And it is very challenging, very, very, very challenging.
Okay, was that good ladies?
Yup, let's unmute a couple of people
and give me an aha moment that you had.
Cause I don't hear from y'all enough.
I'm gonna stop putting y'all in breakout rooms.
What's something that was said tonight
that was like, it really resonated with you?
Like, oh wow, go for it, anybody.
Yeah, certainty for me, definitely certainty.
Certainty, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cause I tend to do that a lot.
And the way that you explained it,
the difference between being curious and certainty,
I think would definitely make a huge change.
Like it, you know, it would be very good for me.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, thank you for sharing.
It has made all the difference in my life, for sure.
If I actually pull it out really well.
I'm bobbing weave in and out sometimes, yeah.
Anyone else?
For me, it was when you explained the difference
between certainty and curiosity and what that looks like.
Yeah.
And I needed the practical of what that looks like.
So that was good, thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
And let us, anytime I say something, you need a practical,
I'm a very practical, give me an example.
Say, please give me an example of what you're saying.
And I'll be happy to do that.
Anybody else want to share?
Yeah, I was gonna just say
when you had said no good thing will he withhold.
Cause I kind of feel like I'm in sometimes
in the back of my mind,
like I'm trying to wrench this from his hand
instead of realizing that it might
just be part of his design.
Yeah, that's so good.
How many of us try to wrench it from a hand?
I'm like, you can let it go, God.
I liked where you talked about pattern
indicating the ability to lead
those patterns really in the moments you said.
That really is that consistency that you look for over time
and it can't be rushed.
I want it to be, but I can't make it be.
I know, that's true.
And Ms. Bunny, how long were you married?
Tell us again.
36 years.
36 years until your husband went on to Glory Lane.
Is that right?
Yes.
So you know, Ms. Bunny was married 36 years
and she's telling you y'all it's the truth.
It is the truth.
I have to say, you say such good things.
And I mean, I'm not trying to flatter you.
I'm trying to confirm you.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Yeah, it's true, it's true.
Anybody else?
I saw someone post in the chat.
I'm learning to trust this time, yeah.
Ebony?
Yes.
I've missed you.
I know, Nikki.
But one thing that you said tonight, there's a lot,
but when you said,
when you're talking about trusting the process
and would we rely on God the same if we knew the answer,
that would really hit me.
Yeah.
Because I wouldn't.
That's the truth, I wouldn't rely on him the same way.
And that's more important.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's true, I agree with you.
I mean, you know, yeah, I agree.
He knows the truth about my heart too.
Like, oh, I got my answer, move on to the next thing, yeah.
And then to endure this process of learning,
dating and the skills and all of that,
it's like, look, all of us want an Amazon package.
Y'all ain't on the boat by y'all self.
Wala!
But the Lord loves us too much.
Ebony, I also wanted to add that I am coming out of that,
whatever that was, situationship.
Yeah, I don't want to settle and I do want to,
cause I was starting to kind of settle, you know,
and like, oh, starting to already just let my mind go like,
oh yeah, and my, you know,
we're going to end up together and all that.
But no, I praise the Lord.
Cause I don't want that.
And I definitely don't want to settle.
And I, I want to have a quality husband and a quality and, and kingdom marriage.
So yeah, you talking about that was, yeah, I'm, I'm living it coming out of it.
Yeah.
Come on.
Like how you said, uh, kingdom marriage, uh, Sarah, that sounds really cool.
Um, but I wanted to say too, that, uh, I liked it, Ebony, when you said how everybody comes
to the table with fears, because sometimes I feel like I have a lot of fear and insecurity
and like, oh my gosh, I'm the only like person or I don't know, overthinking things.
And like, uh, it's good to remember, or sometimes I can be hard on myself.
Like when I make mistakes in talking to people and then I feel bad about it later, but I
was like, well, would I react?
I don't know.
Would I react that way?
If the guy had said something weird, I don't know how to, uh, yeah.
Like self-compassion, I guess.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah.
Those are real things.
Really, really good things.
Anybody else?
Okay.
Karen, go for it.
Okay.
Uh, I just want to give praise to God and testimony of, even though I'm not utilizing
these skills quite to the degree in the dating world, because there's not as much opportunity,
I so see how your coaching, how the heart work is playing into this job search.
Yeah.
And it's been so fun to remain curious, but then I've also seen, you know, when you notice
yourself dating for discovery, I'm really discovering myself in the job process of having
an interview and like making a conclusion based on just like one, you know, 45 minute
conversation with two guys at a flooring store.
And then thinking, no, they're a hot mess.
Like this is like, I don't want to be part of that company.
And then a few days later, one of the owners calls me and is going to give me an offer.
I was like, huh, maybe I need to find out more, just more about this.
Maybe I jumped to the conclusion.
Yeah.
So it's just so interesting to use the dating skills and the job search and it's been really
fun.
And God's been so kind to give a lot of networking and I haven't had to go on Indeed yet.
Like it's been really fun.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
That's so awesome.
I want to do a little, what's the little fun, ta-da.
I'm so glad you shared that because dating skills are life skills is how we show up.
They transitioned me to another school because my particular school wasn't going to have
third grading up anymore.
And so when they moved me to the new school, everybody kept saying, did they give you the
position?
Did they give you your third grade?
Because our school would make changes.
Did they give you your third grade?
Did you get third grade?
It's like, they said they was, I don't know, but I just never got hooked on anything and
I remained curious.
Now, one of my reasons why I was able to remain curious in such a way is because I knew that
the Lord would place me where he wanted me.
I started teaching because he called me to the classroom.
So I never trusted them with my destiny.
And so sure enough, when I get to this school, I'm like, where's my third grade classroom?
And she's like, oh, let's just view it a little while.
She's like, here's your new team, first grade.
And she said, my eyes got huge.
And I say, what's that you say?
She's like, first grade.
And so some of the other teachers, they were like, well, I can't believe they did you like
that.
I said, well, they didn't do anything to me.
They're going to pay me to work.
They didn't do anything to me.
And they're like, oh, that's how you see it.
I'm like, yeah.
You know, but it was from, I just never set uncertainty.
And so when you say that, it made me think of that as well.
I just, I wasn't certain.
And I don't know.
And it's just so great to, every day I'm having different conversations.
Like today I had two different networking meetings.
And just every day, like, okay, Lauren, lead this conversation because I think my picker
is broken in the job market.
So I don't want to step into another job that was like this last 10 months.
So can you be really clear?
And he's being really clear.
And it was also so fun today, y'all.
I thought of everybody today.
This last networking coffee was.
with some guy that, you know, we were just synergistic in ideas and entrepreneurship
and things like that. And I walked out of the coffee shop, I'm thinking, dang, why can't dating
be so fun like this? And why can't dating be as easy as like getting all these networking meetings,
like I meet one person, then they set me up with four more, and then they set me up with four more,
and like, the network grows. And I was just thinking that and smiling and just kind of like
having a good old time in my head. And so as jaunty, there was a guy walking towards me
who totally smiled, straight up smiled, I smiled right back at him, looked him in the eye,
practiced. And sure enough, he's like, how are you doing today? I was like, I'm doing fine. How
are you? He's like, doing well, doing well. And like, we just had a moment. Yeah, that never
happens in my town, y'all. Never. Oh, wow. And it really shows like that if you're having a good
time with yourself, it shows on your face. And a man is going to be like, she's having a good time.
I want a part of that. That's true. Even if it's a moment. So it was kind of fun. Thank you for
sharing. That's really good. I concur. Concur. Yeah. Concur. Yeah. So thank you for all the
coaching. Oh, it is my delight. Yeah. Okay, Miss Bunny, I think you were next.
All right. I have two questions and a testimony. Okay. But I'll try not to be too long.
So I'll do the questions first. I am on dating sites.
Finally. And there's sure a lot of people out there that I just want nothing to do with.
But there is a person who has liked me after I liked him. And we've been talking for
two days or three, something like that. And he knows the Lord. I am like, really?
Finally, somebody is actually walking with the Lord in their day-to-day and wants to share that
with a permanent marriage partner. And he's cute. I always be shocked when somebody loves the Lord
and they're cute. Okay. But now, so one of my questions, though, is he just asked tonight,
would it be okay to text, like phone text, instead of message on the dating site?
And I don't think we should yet, but I don't know how to tell him that in a way that, I mean,
he was very respectful and has been. And very transparent, which I love, because I am too.
But anyhow, so I don't want to sound like he's getting too far ahead, but I kind of feel like
that is, because I don't even know his first name and he does not know mine. And so I don't think
it's time to do that yet. But I also need to know how do I get an anonymous number to give
in those situations for future and video? How do I do those anonymously? So that's my question,
but also how can I tell him nicely? I don't think we're there yet. I don't want to go.
And when do you think you'll be ready?
Well, I would like to know his first name first.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
The dating app, he must have his nickname on there.
It says, oh shoot, what does it say?
Well, it's okay.
I forget.
I forget. What it says or means is he thinks young. I just forget the wording,
but he is 12 years younger than me.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, which is fine.
But I mean, I mean, it's fine with me and evidently seems to be with.
OK, so what we can do is.
OK, Miss Bunny, you're going to have to unmute again for me.
OK, so you can do this, you can do this one or two ways.
OK, respond to him and say, oh, you can respond to him and say,
getting my number is a great idea at a better time.
And so what I would like, if now we can just exchange names,
I want to know your full name and then you can tell them what your full name is
and say, you know, before we exchange numbers,
I will be really interested in doing a zoom call with you, a video chat.
And then we can determine where.
You know what? I am.
Not fearful, but I am.
Reluctant because.
And I'm going to have to face this.
I have tremors.
My head, my body, my voice box,
my hands tremble and it's benign.
It's not Parkinson's, but people think it is.
Uh huh. And so.
I guess I'm not ready for him to see that yet.
OK, so no, don't be sad, OK?
Oh, no, it is OK.
This is your journey.
And you get to wait until you trust getting to know
until you get to know him a little bit better
before you share their personal information about yourself.
OK, so I'm not.
So what you need.
So in the text that you're going to send him, then you're going to say, hey,
exchange your numbers is a great idea, but I would like to stay on the app
a little while longer to get to know you.
OK, thank you.
Yeah. And Kaylee made a really good, made a really good suggestion.
You can don't forget to ask for his name when you say that.
But you get this in like a couple of weeks to do a voice call.
OK. OK, I put the instructions,
I put the instructions on the wall on how you set up your Google voice number.
Do you have a. Yeah, yeah.
I put it up earlier today.
OK. Yeah.
Now you're welcome.
Now this when I say this to you,
you don't want to go over two weeks texting someone that you don't know.
OK. That you have not seen,
because then you're going to run the risk of developing an emotional attachment.
Yeah. And that's.
Yeah. So you want time because you're not quite ready for some things.
And I'm not saying that you don't need more time.
A week and a half to two week mark.
It's important that you go ahead and have a voice call.
And at the voice call, either you're going to decide if you want to see him,
but you what you don't want is money.
You can't you don't want to talk to a person for three weeks over the phone
and only their voice or a month or just their voice.
As a matter of fact, the longer you wait, not after your two weeks,
but the longer you wait, the harder it is going to be to reveal yourself to them.
It doesn't get easier.
It actually gets harder and you become more comfortable with the setup
because a lot of times companionship just does the job
depending on what phase of life we're in.
And so sometimes a lot of our more seasoned participants,
they'll they'll get caught up in talking for like a month and two months
and never seen each other.
But because there's a threshold you cross that you're like,
oh, I like it this way.
You know, it's harder.
I don't know what happens, but it actually gets harder
to want to see that person or to want to interact with them
any other way than what you're doing.
Well, I think it's because you invest
your information, your feelings, your time,
all of that, and it gets to be comfortable.
Yeah. And that's really what you're saying to look out for.
I agree with that, too. Yeah.
And so you're taking your time with this this this guy in
telling him you understand takes and sounds great for a later date.
You'll let him know when you're comfortable with that and then say,
but I would like to know your full name.
And then once he gives you his full name, you can offer your full name.
OK. That sounds good.
He is four hours away from where I live.
Okay.
That's where he's located.
Okay. Okay. Now the testimony. I don't know if I did put this in the community chat, but it wasn't the main chat it wasn't the answer to.
Oh, so I don't know if you saw it. I didn't.
I went to a funeral last Saturday a week and a half ago.
And it was my stepchildren's mother's funeral. Okay, so my late husband's kids, their mother died. Well, she was married for like 30 years.
And he came over and sat next to me at the, we were all at tables afterwards, you know, and I was sitting with my daughter and her husband, he came over and sat with me, and, and he's began to tell me that his son was just diagnosed with Parkinson's.
And that's because he thought that's what I was with.
So I explained that was sorry that that had happened.
That is not what I have. So that we were talking to some.
The next day, the Lord showed me things that I did that are different in the dating world than they are in a friend type gathering. Okay.
As I counsel, I, my personality is just to help people feel welcome, help them feel comfortable reassuring people. That's, that's what I do.
I often do it with touch on the arm with my hand. Well, he was right next to me. And so I did that, you know, and I lean into people. And the Lord said, observe, don't analyze because when you counsel you analyze.
Okay. So he wants me just to observe. And he says, keep your hands to yourself.
And don't lean in because all those things are in a dating sense, an invitation.
Yeah. And I am not wanting to go there. That's my biggest weakness is intimacy wanting intimacy. Yeah. I mean, marital intimacy, but that's how things start.
And so it's like a new viewpoint that he's trying to show me in these situations that come up comes across differently than what you want. Yes. And so I thought that was so cool because it wasn't even a date, but he sure did show me stuff.
That was really good. I thought it was too. I thought it was too. Is he looking to, just a side note, that was really good. I liked it. Is he looking to, is he looking to remarry?
You know what? He was going through divorce with her when she died. So he wasn't a very popular person at the funeral. And so I was kind of trying to make him feel comfortable and accepted, you know, but no, I have no desire for him. No, no, no. And he does not know the Lord.
Oh, well, no, no, no. You ain't been living out the rest of your day like that. That's right. Yeah. Right. But I leaned in a lot too, Miss, when they said that it's really good that the Lord told you that because they said that when a woman is getting to know a man, if she leans in, that means she likes him more, that the fact that she starts to lean in.
And so I could see the tape and I catch myself leaning. I was like, lean back, girl, lean back. That's right. Yeah. Thank you for sharing, Miss Bunny. Thank you. You're welcome. Go for it, Cherish.
OK, so I think I just need some encouragement and guidance today from the ladies here and from you, Miss Ebony.
I was really excited about phase two because when I was at phase one, I was 98% done and
just kind of hemming and hawing and maybe I need to forgive a few more people and maybe
I need to do a few more things.
And I felt the Holy Spirit say, wrap it up, move on.
And I was like, okay, I got really excited because I was like, Ooh, that means something's
going to happen.
But I got on the dating apps and have just been so discouraged this last week.
The one app that I'm paying for, it's like, there's like tumbleweeds in there.
It's like the old West, but without any like cowboys at all.
So it's been very discouraging in that aspect.
And then the, um, like the, uh, another app that I'm on, it just, every interaction has
been disheartening.
You know, I, I, one guy, I'll spare you all the stories, but I'll tell you two of them.
One guy, um, that I was talking to for about four days, I said, do you think we should
just chat on the phone?
And he was like, yes.
Um, and up until this point, like I, the first thing I do is I look at the age because sometimes
really young people reach out sometimes much older reach out and I get uncomfortable with
it going either way, but right before the call, he changed his profile and updated his
age and he was much older than he said he was.
And so I felt like he was being dishonest and I reached out and said, I'm uncomfortable
with the age difference.
And then his response was, was very rude.
And these are all Christian men that are talking about how much they love Jesus.
And the other gentleman, um, you know, he said what he was looking for and it was like
a bullet point of things.
And one of the things he highlighted was being fit.
And I said, okay, well, I'm all of these things, but you needed to find fit because I ran eight
miles yesterday, but I'm also not a size two.
So then he was like, well, can you please put a picture of your full body?
And I was like, oh, okay, well, I guess, I guess I don't have full body shots, so I'll
do that.
And then it just devolved into this, well, are you intentionally trying to hide your
body?
And I was like, okay, um, I'm not deceptive.
Um, I'm no longer pursuing this.
We're off to a bad start.
And there've been other experiences.
So my first week has been very discouraging, um, and I know now why I got off the apps.
Um, but there are some victories because before the whole, I need to see your body shot, you
know, like would have been very upsetting.
And now it was just kind of like, wow, kick rocks, man.
You know what I mean?
I was just like, uh, you know, that's, that's what you like.
And if, if that's what you like, that's totally fine, but I'm not going to kind of, uh, play
a game, you know?
Um, so it's just been exceedingly discouraging.
So one, um, any guidance in that area and two, what apps are you guys using and are
they working?
Yeah.
Let us post your apps in the chat.
Um, and if you post the one you like, um, so that Cherish can see it, which ones are
you on now Cherish?
I'm on Holi and then I'm doing like the free Facebook, but they're both kind of like equally
frustrating, but I'm on that Holi, um, app.
Okay.
Um, uh, for instance, she on like Niner, like hinge paid version.
Um, Daisy said she's not on one yet.
Arc looks okay though.
Um, and Arc is, is still moving around, so they may not have a lot of people in your
area.
Um, those are, those are there.
Um, I do want to speak to this, that online dating within itself, you hear Jackie say
this all the time.
It's like swimming with the sharks sometimes, and it can be very discouraging from week
to week.
And so Kaylee wants to exchange numbers with you, Cherish, um, and it can be very discouraging.
And so one of the things that I would encourage you to do if you're feeling very discouraged
about it is to take a break.
You know, I was like, Oh, I just got started.
It's been one week.
Take a break.
But you really can.
You can wait three or four days if you want.
You can wait a week if you want.
So you may feel like there's no movement, but you can go to Home Depot to meet people.
You can meet people in the wild.
It's just a matter of if you want to say something to them first, if they don't, you can practice
smiling.
I'm not saying you don't do these things, but you can meet somebody, a guy at Home Depot.
You can meet someone at the grocery store.
I don't know what your town is like or how many people there, where do you live?
I'm in Colorado Springs.
Oh, Colorado.
I want to come to Colorado.
It's gorgeous.
Yeah.
I was just thinking, I don't know, I don't know.
talking to one of my friends about coming there in the off season right now.
I don't know.
But there are other places you can meet guys, right?
You can find out if there are single events happening in the area.
You can find out if any events are happening in the area.
You can put on your best face and your best clothes and you can go out.
You can take a wing woman with you.
Dating apps aren't the only place to meet people, but there is a large group of them.
Now, the truth is about dating apps.
Also, you can match with so many people
and you barely come out with one with any sense sometimes.
And that's just barely.
And that's a real thing for all of us.
Every person on here, pretty much if they've been on a dating app,
they've said what you say and you've been on them before.
And so every time I do, I say the same thing like this.
Well, I don't even fool with these dating apps.
That's my thought. The same thought you had.
It's my thought.
And so we always encourage you to give it a break or to keep going because
something about the dating apps, the algorithm,
sometimes they'll flood you with quality men like, oh, oh, oh,
especially Facebook.
And sometimes they can pull them out the bottom of the barrel.
And I think you're like, where did this fella come from?
So.
They didn't they didn't alleviate you, but that is the truth of the matter,
Cherish, and I believe that you could keep you should keep going.
And I think that you already have a level of expectation for dating.
So I think that you should use that.
Oh, Karen is in Colorado spring.
Oh, she's coming July, June 11th through the 15th.
I think that you should use that as a way to keep you encouraged.
So that means your expectations aren't very high.
You've measured it for what it is.
And then you're going to look through what's there and see what you come up with.
Now, that is one of the things I do.
I'd be like, let me weed through and see what I can find here.
Because sometimes and I want to say this,
sometimes we believe if I stop looking or if I stop doing something,
I'm not going to find a mate.
And that's not true because you're not the driver.
The Lord is the driver.
And preparing you and developing you for marriage,
we do it through dating because that's one of the closest things that gets to your
heart. That string pulls differently than other
strings, but the father can develop you in all sorts of ways.
And so even while you're looking for a date, you can be growing in other areas,
learning other things, having different adventures, enjoying yourself,
doing things that you want to do, because at this point, do you have children?
I do. Well, grown, my son's 22.
Oh, so you get to live life how you want to basically at this age.
Yeah.
So you can get involved in a lot of different things.
Those are my thoughts about it.
But it is going to look it's going to look up for you.
You're going to go on dates.
I've seen it too many times.
It's an ebb and a flow.
OK.
Yeah. And take many breaks as you need.
You might meet your man while you're out enjoying your life, of course,
and doing something fun for you. That's a good idea.
Yeah.
OK, ladies, it has been fun.
We're going to post the activation for everyone to see.
I have enjoyed you all.
It is so good to see you, Theda, even though it's OK.
You don't have a camera.
Still good to see you, Kelly.
Friend, I call all of you, Luanna.
It's good to see all of you, Amanda and Daisy.
And I just got right in.
I'm about to mess your name up again,
but you're in Houston and your name is K-A-N-Y-I-N.
Yep, Connie.
That's right, Connie.
It's so good to see you and Shelly, everybody.
If you guys didn't get a chance to watch
the prophetic gathering from Sunday, go check it out.
It was really good.
Some really good words, very encouraging words.
I think you should jump over and catch
a replay if they posted it because you will be encouraged by it.
And you're welcome, Theda.
I need some updates, ma'am.
Email me, post or do something.
I need to hear from you and what you're
doing and why you're doing what you're doing, whatever it is.
Give me a thumbs up if you heard my message, Theda.
Give me a heart.
Oh, you're welcome, as always.
Oh, Theda, I see you coming.
Say your name again for me, Miss Jean.
I know I'm sorry I'm going to mess it up,
but I avoid saying it because I don't want to mess it up.
It's OK.
It's Edwidge.
Say it again.
Edwidge.
You said it so beautifully. Edwidge.
Edwidge. Edwidge.
Because I be saying Edwidge and I'm like, that ain't it.
Edwidge.
No, people say it like that, too.
I grew up with them saying it either way.
It didn't matter to me.
Oh, okay. Good. Ladies, if you're in Austin or in San Antonio or, I mean, yeah, or in
Temple or in surrounding towns, Alexandra's going to post, we're going to all hang out.
I hope to get over and to help her move into her new apartment. By the grace of God, he's
relodicated her back to, not back, to Austin. It has been a long journey for her. She had
been praying into this thing and the Lord has made it happen. And so we're believing.
I believe that spouses are definitely a lot of times associated with geographical locations.
I've seen it too many times not to know it to be true. And so we're believing that her
husband is in Austin waiting for her. And so, so are we. So we're celebrating her arrival
in a good old fashioned Texas way. So, all right, ladies, have a good night. And Fran,
we need to, have you had a date? You've been on a date yet, Fran? You're so young and pretty.
I don't know how you keep the mouth of you. Oh, thank you. You're too kind. I've been on dates,
but I think I mentioned it last time. It's just like, when I don't feel the attraction,
I'm very reserved and I feel like they can maybe feel it. I don't know, but yeah. First dates are
okay. Second dates are hard to get. I don't know. You're welcome. A lot of times men, most men,
most all men, I've heard this from men from all levels. Most all men are very insecure.
Most all men deal with insecurity. Boys are not loved very well growing up. They're taught to be
strong and don't cry and don't show emotions. And so they spend most of their life actually
boxed in, never being able to express emotions, always encouraged not to do it. And so men have
a very low, oftentimes you'll see very low self-esteem. And so if they feel like you're
not attracted to them, a lot of times you do see that, but you can always tell a guy that you had
a great time and you want to go on another date with them. And so if you do that and they still
don't say anything, I don't know what you're talking about on that first date, but if you
have a list out friend, we need to talk. Oh my God. Yeah. I don't know. It's really hard
because I feel like most of the guys who approach me, not that they're not cute.
I did some self-introspection. They are cute, but they're not necessarily the type I'm looking for.
And so that's also a barrier that when I meet with them, I'm very reserved and I'm waiting for
some other stuff to make us connect. But I know that I'm so reserved that it's also hard for them
to actually. So what you probably want to do is get you some conversation starters. Now that you're
aware of yourself and see them as a person and just have fun, tell yourself, this is low stakes.
I'm just going to have fun. And then you can tell them, Hey, I am very reserved, but I'm excited to
get to know you. Statements like that. Let people know that I am not opposed to you. I am reserved
by nature. And it's a very easy statement to make. Like so happy to be getting to know you today.
I just want to tell you a heads up. I'm very reserved and it's hard for me to shake myself
out of myself, but I'm here and I'm present and I'm happy to be here.
It is shift things for you.
And also one thing I noticed, I don't know if I'm the only one, but I think past 33, like the
type of guy that I attract is very different from before. So I blame it on like getting older and
like, you know, like the age thing is a real thing for women, unfortunately. But I feel like I'm
But I feel like I'm attracting a lot of people who are new to the country too.
So they all come from, yeah. So when I ask them, they're like, Oh, I've been in the country for
two years, a year, three years, less than five years. And I'm like, that's not what I'm looking
for. Because I feel like if you're new to a country, you're building and I'm 36 years old.
I'm not like, I don't want to carry a man that's building. I need someone who's with whom I can
just rest. That's what I'm looking for. And so it's very discouraging as well, that the demographic
that keeps like, you know, reaching out to me is not what I'm looking for, basically.
Well, maybe can you make, adjust your number on the dating app to older guys?
Well, my range is like, I got lower because of the, you know, last year's single school.
So 32 to 46. So I got 10 years over. But um,
Yeah, I don't know another thing to help you out with it
Sometimes you have to be able to identify if a person carries the tools to deal with
You have an idea about how to make your life comfortable
But God has an idea for a helper that he designed to come in and help
And so you saying I need a man who's gonna make my life comfortable
But God didn't make God didn't design to set up that way
Everybody has a role to play in the cultivation of an individual
and so what you want to know if you have the equipment to help cultivate somebody because a man can carry all the tools and
You can get with him in a year. Whatever life you had envisioned that you thought he couldn't give you
It'll be done with a helper by his side
And another thing that's important to understand about both men and women
Women come in already with the system built on the inside of them
And if they don't build upon themselves, they actually decline me and build as they grow
That's how it works for me
That's why a man in 55 can be more attracted to a woman because he's established and we desire that establishment
We desire for someone to be set up
And so oftentimes you'll see throughout the ages that women marry older men. The idea was they're more mature
it takes time for me and to mature not just maturity, but to build and
Whoever's going to come along and give you a certain type of life if they built to that level of
Establishment there is also a lifestyle that is required of them to or work ethic that is required for them to keep it
Especially depend on how far they go up. And so if you're starting to talk about
This is an example. I don't know tech which I'm just giving example. You take a high-earning man
It's a reason why a man is a high earner and you may say well
I want a high earner because I'm a high earner
Well that change the dynamics of what type of lifestyle you want in your house
That changes what type of relationship you want
Is this just an exchange of high bad with both of climbing the career ladder or then it's gonna cost you
It's like well, I don't mind my husband working 16 hours a day
It may sound like it at first but it's not gonna be like that always you should mind at some point because you actually want
A husband and not a machine and by the time he gets through don't he's doing when he comes home
He's too tired to be there. And so they're pros and cons to all these things
there is not a conversation to convince you but it is a conversation to have you to look for a person who has
tools in our is equipped to build and
some so
And so we have to
Sharpen our eyes to be able to identify the things that a person carries that with just a little push from the feminine
With just a little encouragement with baby, I know you can do it
Maybe you would have been built an empire in two years and you spent or spent seven years time
Are they just not my type?
They just not the one they just don't do this and they just don't do that and you've passed up one
That carries every quality you need to sustain you for the next 40 50 years. And so oh
It's a long story I was very open before I'm just getting at an age where I'm like, I need to raise my standards. That's I
Don't know what standards are not based on a finished product standards are based on as they can identify
What makes quality?
Because a person can be well established today and flat on their back tomorrow
And you can have a paraplegic for a husband that you pick because you thought he could give you a life
And now you be like, oh, I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a son. I'm gonna have a baby
And now you become the provider and you're his wife and now you're doing everything and so it's really
Interesting their life is interesting in that way
And so we have to become skilled and trained in how to select the makings of quality
Each part is integral. We have to pick ones that rank the highest that will produce what we want
and so, you know, I
I'm
Not looking for a millionaire. I'm just I just want to be clear out there. I'm not looking for that
I'm looking for someone that's about the same range as me not lower. That's that's all
Understand what you're looking for, but what I'm telling you is that the way you're choosing to look may not be serving you best
You're looking for finished products. But just because a product is not finished doesn't mean that it's not finished
The same way that you're believing for a spouse right now, there is an end result and
So it is it is a more beneficial for you to identify the makings of greatness
Then it is to look at somebody and say you're great. You may be great today
But I don't know what greatness looks like 10 years from now 15 years from now 20 years from now
Heaven knows that and you can identify those things that they carry that will produce that
It may give you a good running start so is it unrealistic to expect a 40 year old man
to have his life together and have built a career.
I don't feel like it's too much to ask to a 40 year old man.
I don't know.
Well, I don't know what you determine
have your life together.
What would you like him to have?
What's your top thing he must have?
I think stability is the main thing for me.
So what is stability?
Being able to provide for yourself,
for your loved ones, for your future family,
being emotionally mature.
What else?
Yeah, being kind, knowing that it's not all about taking,
but it's also about giving and not just romantically,
but just in life in general.
Your neighbors, your community, all that stuff.
I think that's what I'm looking for.
And then for a genuine love for God.
I used to want someone who knew more than I do,
but I don't anymore.
It's okay.
But I think like a genuine love for God,
I think is very important.
And I find that a lot of people are Christians,
but it's a lot of cultural thing and it's not a real faith,
but it's the culture you grew up in.
And so it's been an eye opener for me also,
which is why I'm not looking for someone
who can cite Bible verses and all that stuff
I'm looking for the genuine love and connection with God.
So, yeah.
I agree.
I think those are really great aspects
in a man to look for.
And of those things that you want,
because if a man wants a family or a wife,
he should be able to provide for them.
That's a non-negotiable.
If somebody wants a family,
they should have a place to bring them to.
You should have a table to put the food on.
So that's totally.
Which one of those areas are you willing
to help a man grow in?
That's a good question.
I feel like faith has to be there,
but I'm willing to, not me, but I have a circle.
I have people around, like I have brothers
who can be friends and help them grow.
I don't want to be that person that teaches you
about things of God,
but you cannot teach someone to love God.
So this has to be something
that they already have for themselves.
And I have in my circle, someone who married a person
that he now discovers was just a cultural Christian.
And I'm really like, that's something
that I'm very mindful of,
that I don't want to fall into that trap
where they say all the right things
and then you discover afterwards
that it's just religion and nothing else, you know?
So, yeah.
So we're not going to negotiate,
there's a non-negotiable in the spiritual area.
So what area are you willing to help in?
Let's talk about emotional maturity.
How do you define that?
I don't know.
Someone who knows how to master their feelings.
Self-control, I think is very important.
Yeah, I feel like self-control is very important.
They need self-control, it's true.
Do you master your feelings?
Yeah, some people say I'm too cold,
and I hold things too much.
So you don't master your feelings?
I do, I was raised by an African mom
and I saw her cry, like I can count them on my fingers.
So it's not something,
and she's very caring and very gentle,
but it's not something that she was like,
it's just a cultural thing, right?
So I grew up in the West though, so I have that.
And then I grew up in France, so, you know.
So you're not, you haven't mastered your emotions, right?
Why are you saying this?
Because your mom taught you to tough it up,
grin and bear it, do what you have to do.
It doesn't matter how you feel,
but it does matter how you feel.
And a woman who toughs it up and grins and bears it,
she tends to be less feminine because that's what men do.
So it's a very masculine trait.
And so when a man looks at a woman who looks masculine,
she looks hard and tough.
She's like a wall, right?
Now, my mom's not African,
but black women carry a very hard stance sometimes
because they had to suffer a lot.
They had to learn a lot.
They didn't have a man to lead.
So they have a very, do what you have to do.
You're gonna get it done.
That's a real thing.
And so that means.
you may struggle more in your femininity area and growing in their softness.
And you may have to have a husband that understands his culture and
sees the softness in the femininity through those walls and knows how to
reach you. So he would come with a special skillset.
Most of the guys, sorry to cut you off,
but most of the guys who actually approach me are African man. So, um, I,
I don't, I'm not sure that it would be an issue for them because like,
I don't think it would be.
But this is what I'm saying to you. Yeah.
That's an excuse to what I'm saying to you.
You keep saying this perfection that you're looking for that you don't house
completely. So when you say to me,
a man has to be emotionally mature and this is the way he has to do it.
I'm asking you in what area are you required to have grace for a man?
Grace for a man.
Because if you're showing up and there's no grace to be required and you
respond like, well, I think a man should have this at this age.
I agree with you,
but I also agree that you have to recognize within yourself that no perfection
lies and that even within yourself,
there's growth to be had at the moment. You can conceive that.
Then you see people through a different lens.
You can actually look at a man and say, Oh, he, he has the bones of a good man.
I know a good man when I see one and that's one.
But when we look for perfection, it's hard to spot a good man.
The only thing we have are their words and our fear and our vetting system.
And that right there does not produce the best because it's,
it is, it is ran by fear.
It is ran by certainty and is ran by my eyes are watching you for the moment you
mess up. And inside of you, I already knew it. It's like, Oh yeah,
I already knew what I was watching. You weren't going to get by me.
That produces a different person when you show up on a date.
And so this has nothing to do with you settling at 43.
I would not marry a man who does not have the stability or the capacity to
sustain a family.
But I also know that emotional maturity can come in levels and there's a certain
level of emotional maturity that I require,
but there's also a space that I know that this man is only going to grow when he
gets with me and I'm not going to compromise on him being marriage man.
I'm not going to compromise on him being mature and I'm not going to compromise
on masculinity.
We show up different when we realize when we see ourselves rightly because then
we can see people rightly. That's what I'm saying to you.
Okay. So if I get what you're saying,
you're saying I need to work on my emotions and being more vulnerable.
That's what you're saying.
I'm just saying recognize that the emotional maturity,
whatever thing you're expecting, you got your income down pack.
So we couldn't, you said that spiritual, I wouldn't,
I wouldn't give on spirituality. Some people will, I won't, this is not me,
but so emotional maturity is something you wanted.
I asked you about your level.
So then because we realize that you may not be at your full capacity and you
don't even know it till you mix with somebody else.
They actually do something to pull on some stuff around you and see how you're
going to respond.
Then you might be able to look at a man and evaluate him more rightly and say,
okay, he is mature. He could use a little bit more,
but maybe I could work with this.
That little crack helps you start to see people rightly
that they're not going to come perfect.
And you may say, I'm not asking for perfection. What is this to ask?
They just got to have the same salary I have. They just got to have this,
this, this, this, and this. And what is that? That's Jesus.
That's who that is. And you're not going to meet him. No, I'm just playing.
Jack always says these people want to be married to Jesus,
but I'm just trying to get some space in there.
I do. I do. I do want to be married to Jesus. I'm willing to admit that.
That's okay. Well, you don't need a husband.
You already got Jesus. You the bride of Christ.
But I just wanted to,
I just wanted to break that down with you and try to see if we could get some
leeway, a little space in there. So you can start seeing people rightly.
The more grace we have grace is not grace is not,
um, compromise for foundational things,
but the more grace we have, the more we see people rightly.
And when you start to see people rightly, you can pick out the gold in them,
not potential people carry gold on the inside of them.
And I want to encourage all of you guys to learn, to be gold diggers,
looking for the gold in me. And when you meet them,
You'll see a beautiful thing. This is not compromise. It is far from compromise
It's just coming in and looking for the gold in people
So be gold diggers
G-o-l-d diggers and you may strike it rich
Okay
How is looking for gold different from potential because gold is actually what someone houses so you can look at me. It's like, oh
I
Can see it. I can see all in evidence. She's she's so generous
And you look at me say, you know
You're a very generous person and it causes you to pull it out and present it to that person. They'd be like, oh
Potential is okay
You probably could do that you working on that. Oh
But it hasn't come to fruition. You got all these dreams and visions, but you ain't never did none of them
There's potential or
Sometimes he calls like he says and sometimes he don't there's potential is a potential to be consistent, right?
So but gold is what a person actually houses. They carry it and because you'll go digger you can see it in them
So, that's what I'm thinking is it does that make sense or no
It's kind of like the fruit that you already show in your life
Yeah versus like what you're hoping somebody's gonna be like based on
What they want but maybe they're not there yet, yeah
It's true. So that is true
Potential is what I hope you can produce like I see signs of it
I know you could do it because the first week you did it perfect and what we'll do is women is like I know that
Man is in there and I'm waiting on him to come back
But actually they did something for a week that they couldn't sustain them two weeks
usually they're gonna give out about the third second third week and being you know, and so
Looking for fruit looking for gold all of those things help to see people rightly and it helps us see ourselves rightly
The more grace you have for yourself
The more grace you have for others the less critical you are of yourself the less critical you are others
It really is an inside job how you view people is how you view yourself
It's just that's the lenses in which it comes from and
then if you actually hold somebody to a standard that you don't hold yourself to then that would be a
hypocrite
Kind of like what that is, right? I've been known to be one from time to time. I'm like, yeah
I might not do it, but you need it
That's I'll be alright you just go get it. Oh
Anyway ladies, it was fun. I hope you had a good night, and I hope you guys got a lot out of this session
Um, keep us posted and we'll talk next week
Good night. Thank you
Thank you, bye-bye