All right, welcome everybody to Ask Jackie, also known as Loveseats.
We did invite Phase 2 to come over here.
Go ahead and wave your hand, well, give me an avatar, thumbs up, or a hand,
not your hand on the screen, but your little yellow hand, if you're in Phase 2.
I want to see all of the Phase 2 folks that are joining us.
Let's see how many people from Phase 2 are over here with us.
Guys, we have a great night ahead of us, so get comfortable, get something to drink,
get some coffee, get some tea, get a glass of wine, get a glass of water,
get what you need to take some notes.
We're going to do Ask Jackie.
I am going to loveseat you guys, and guess what?
You have me for the next two weeks.
I'm going to be teaching you guys some things that I think is going
to accelerate your love life, and a lot of it is from my new book, Modern Dating Sucks.
If you did not get this book, it is available on Amazon.
Go get you one, all right?
We're holding strong in the top five on Amazon still, you guys.
We were in the top two.
We're holding strong in the top five.
The people that have read the book tell me that it is the best, most practical,
most beneficial book on dating that they have ever read,
and that is what I wanted to put out.
I wanted to put out kind of a field guide.
I wrote this book not as a philosophical book, not as a ideological book,
not even as just an encouraging book.
This book is encouraging, and yes, it is ideological, okay,
but it also is very practical, and if you will allow it,
it will help you to be successful out there in this wild,
wild west that we're called dating.
Okay, and we're going to go over some of the highlights of the book.
Let me see your hands if you have the book.
If you have the book, let me see your hands.
Put your little hand up.
Put your hand up if you have the book.
Let me see some feedback in the comments.
If you're enjoying the book, where are you in the book?
Have you finished it?
I know it's easy to read through it really fast.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I think you need to really process, answer the questions.
There's a lot of prophetic processing.
I did give people cliff notes at the end of every chapter
to kind of remind them of what they just read
because people's reading comprehension is really not that strong.
They're like, what did I just read?
Okay, I'm glad you asked.
Let me remind you of what you just read.
Okay, skip to the chapter I needed, then started it.
Oh, no, okay.
Well, you should skip to the beginning, Kathy, and read it from there.
How about that?
All right, starting chapter five, it's helping.
Finish chapter four, it's amazing.
Thank you, thank you.
All right, we have about 26 people that have the book out of,
I don't know how many people are here with us right now.
Okay, and then put your hands down real quick.
I'm just doing a little poll here at the beginning
so I can see who I'm talking to.
I need to see who I'm talking to tonight.
There's 104 of you in here, only 26 of you have the book.
Okay, put your hand up if you're actually in the book club as well.
You got the book and you're in the book club
or, you know, the ebook came with the book club.
So maybe you're just reading that.
You don't have the physical copy, you just have the ebook.
That's part of the book club.
All right, about 33 of you, 35 of you in the book club.
Let me see comments in the chat.
Can I get some feedback?
We're only on week.
We just started week three in the book club.
We have three more weeks to go.
Can you put in the chat if you're enjoying the book club?
Just getting a little poll going here.
It's so good.
Yes, the book club is great.
Okay, all right, so all of you,
so many of you are not in the book club,
which is what I suspected.
So for those of you that are in the book club,
you're gonna get a little recap tonight,
but you're also gonna get to ask me questions.
We'll do some Q&A, okay?
And we're gonna do that going forward in the book club too,
just so you know.
We haven't been able to get there yet, but we will.
But for all of you that weren't able to join the book club,
for whatever reason, time, finances,
I wanted to give you guys some teaching as well.
Does that sound good?
You know, I love y'all.
Okay, all right, awesome.
All right, can I see the hands?
Okay, let's put all of our hands down for one second.
I think I can put them all down.
All right, raise your hand
if you haven't read even one word of this book.
You have no idea what it says.
You don't know anything about it.
You've maybe heard that it exists, but you don't have the book.
You haven't read the book in any way, shape, or form.
Nothing.
Nothing's been read from this book by you.
And yes, it will be available in Audible.
Not right away, you guys.
It'll be a couple months before that's available for all of you people who are like, I can't
read.
I'm busy.
Or I have dyslexia.
I have dyslexia.
So I understand, okay.
Only about 20 of you.
You guys, that math is not mathing.
There's 115 of you on here, and only 20-something of you have the book.
Only 30-something of you are in the book club, and then another 20 say they haven't read
one word of the book.
So there's still a bunch of people that are not raising their hand for anything.
Okay.
So that's fine.
You don't want to raise your hand.
You don't got to.
You're like, Jackie, I don't, I want to, I don't want to raise my hand.
I don't want to be part of any of it.
I see I have a little co-host here, so let me go ahead and get that going.
Okay.
Awesome.
All right.
Okay, guys.
Well, here's what we're going to do tonight.
We're going to cover some high points from the first two book club sessions.
Just some high points.
I can't cover it all, obviously.
But I really want you guys to benefit for those of you that weren't able to join the
book club.
And guess what?
I was only going to do one book club, but I decided when this one's over, I'm going
to actually do it again.
So for those of you that are like, man, I missed it, I wanted to be in it, you're going
to have another shot to join the book club because it's just going so well and people
love it so much.
And there were a lot of people that messaged us and said, hey, I wasn't able to get in
this time around.
So I'll do it one more time.
Another five weeks and then, and then we'll, we'll move forward.
Okay.
Um, I only did one book club on my second book and I thought that was sufficient, but
I think this one's going to take two.
All right.
All right, guys.
So let's get started tonight.
So for those of you, there's quite a bit of you that raise your hand that you haven't
read one, one chapter, not even one word of this book.
So in order to do that, in order to kind of catch you guys up, I just need to let you
know that the very beginning of this book is about how we got here for with dating.
I want you to raise your hand and be honest.
If you have ever said some version of, I hate dating, I don't want to date any version
of that sentiment.
Get your hand up, get your hand up, put your hand in the air, wave it like you just don't
care.
Come on, get it up.
Any version of that, oh, we know there's 60 of you being honest in here, 61, the rest
of you love dating.
It's your favorite thing in the entire world.
You wish you could just do more and more and more of it.
You wish you could do it forever, 68 of you with your hands up now, 69 of you, 60, 70
of you are like, Jackie, I hate it.
It's a total, you know what show?
It's a poop show.
I can't stand it.
I don't understand.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I just want God to just drop me my person, my husband, my wife.
I just don't want to have to date them.
I want to know who they are from the very beginning and just be done with it.
Don't want to have to date anybody.
Can we please skip the talking stage?
God, the stage where we're trying to find out if we like each other, the small talk
stage.
Anyone else hate small talk?
I hate small talk with platonic people.
I'm just, you know, and this is why I ask you guys to pace yourself because I know what
it's like to get intense really quick because I'm an intense person.
I'm not the kind of person who likes small talk.
If you meet me in real life and we're just sitting there and we're chilling, I'm not
going to talk to you about the weather.
I'm going to immediately be like, are you single?
Who are you dating?
What's your love life like?
I'm just going to dive in.
I'm going to just dive right in with you because that's the kind of person I am.
And so of course when I was a single woman, that's the kind of person that I was with
men.
And it, you know, a lot of times it backfires because if someone can meet you in the depth,
if you dive right into the deep pool, the deep end of the pool, the dating pool, you're
going to find out that if someone is able to match you in the deep end, a lot of times
it turns out as going too fast, too quickly, and then it just blows up, right?
You just, it goes a hundred miles an hour, like a race car on a racetrack and you blow
out a tire.
And then what, then what do we do now?
Right.
So those of you that hate small talk, you hate the talking stages, you hate the building
block.
And I just really want you to think of it that way.
And there is a whole chapter in this book that's dedicated to what do we do now?
What do we do now?
You meet, met someone, you like them.
You really, really want to get to know them more.
And you think that there really could be something there.
You're wondering if this person is the one, what do we do?
And it's part three of the book is called into the wild part three.
And it starts with chapter eight date, like a matchmaker, because this whole book is teaching
you, teaching you how to find your person on purpose, not just come out here and whatever
happens happens.
And you're just, you're the luck of the draw and you know, whatever, whatever it is, you
know, the slot machine, pull the, of the lever.
And we're going to go there in a second, winter, winter chicken dinner, big money, no whammies.
So, and so chapter nine is called structure over chaos, a framework for building your
love story.
And this chapter is all about what do you do in the first 30 days after meeting someone?
What do you do in the next 30 days?
So the first 60 days, and then what do you do in the first 90 days?
So days one through 30 days, 31 through 60 days, 61 through 90.
There's some benchmarks here.
There's some landmarks here.
There's some, there's some suggestions here.
There's some milestones here.
And I think it's going to be really, really, really helpful for people who want to rush
too fast, who want to go too slow, who wonder what they should be talking about, wonder
when they should be official, wondering in our community, when you should be going from,
from level two relationship to level three to level four, this is going to really lay
it out for you.
Is that exciting?
So I put it there.
I put it there because I wanted you to have something to look at now.
Is your relationship, even if it's a good one, going to look exactly that way?
No, it's not going to look exactly that way, but it is giving you some prompts of what
to talk about and what to do.
It is giving you some help.
It is.
It is giving you some structure because structure is good.
Guys, see my naked little fingers.
I have no nails.
I know you're not used to seeing me naked, but here it is, no nails.
And I feel like a gobble just so you know, unclean, don't look at me.
I'm just so used to having nails on, I don't know what to do, but my nails needed a break
for sure.
Okay.
All right.
All right, you guys.
Okay.
So the very first thing that I want to do with you guys, this is what I did in the book club
is I talked to you.
For those of you said that, yes, I hate dating.
There were about 70, 80 of you that said that.
I just want to let you know that God wants to move you from shame to the realization
that even if you have hard work to do, which all of us do, even if you may not be ready
to step into an engagement tomorrow, even if you met your person, even if you're still
working on some things that are still the building blocks of what you would need to
receive love from whoever's out there looking for you right now, or gentlemen, whoever you're
looking for, okay.
Regardless of all of that, the reason why you're single is because the system is broken.
I want you to get ahold of that right now because so many of you think that it's you
and yes, we do hard work here and yes, we get ready here and yes, we work on stuff here
and that's all important because that's just going to make it seamless.
It's going to make it more seamless when you step into a relationship.
I can't tell you how many people have circled back around after getting married and said,
I'm so glad that I did this work.
I'm so glad that I spent this time.
I'm so glad that I was in this community because I've run into so many things in this process
that I would have cut and run or, you know, we would have had a lot more trouble than
we've had with our blended family, with our relationship, with these things that have
popped up.
And so you guys, you are doing really important work to be able to sustain what it is that
God has for you.
Even if you don't have it yet, you're doing the work to be able to sustain it, what it
shows up.
Make sense?
Okay.
So forget about fixing yourself, forgetting about, forget about what you still need to
work on.
I want to highlight the fact that the system is broken.
For those of you that wonder how we got here, the very first chapter of this book is the
history of modern dating.
That's why the name of it is Modern Dating Sucks.
We weren't created to date this way.
We weren't created to meet each other this way.
And you guys know, if you know me and you've been in this community for any length of time,
you know that I'm trying to bring back something called community-based matchmaking.
I've been talking about it for over six years and now it's catching on.
I hear other people talking about it.
I hear other dating coaches talking about it.
I just heard someone that Oprah had on her show actually.
using those words. And I'm like, you know, Jackie, don't, don't, don't,
don't think that, you know, don't think that you did this.
Um, but I will tell you,
I've been saying it for a long time and you guys are my witnesses.
I've been saying it for a long time. We got to bring back the village.
We got to bring back the community because that is how we got married back in
the old days, back in the ancient days. If you're an OG, you know,
I used to say the ancient of days has ancient ways.
God has ancient ways and the way that God designed us to flourish in romantic
relationship is visibly in the open in community and in family.
That is how we've been designed. We're not supposed to be dating in the dark.
I have an entire chapter in here about dating in the dark.
Look, dating apps are not evil and they're not the devil and they're not the
problem. They're a, they're a symptom of the problem.
That people want to do this all by themselves,
that people think they're supposed to do this all by themselves.
And so they're outsourcing their love life to an algorithm now and set it to
their friend groups. And some people don't have friend groups.
We just finished week two in my book club and so many people can't rebuild their
village because they don't have anybody to rebuild their village with.
They're isolated. They have no friends, they have no community.
They couldn't even think of three to five people to put in their advisory circle,
their relationship advisory circle,
which I will talk to you tonight about what that is and I'm going to put you in
breakout groups so that you can meet some people that possibly might make the
cut into your relationship advisory circle.
But you guys,
that's part of the reason why you're single because you're isolated and you
have no friends.
In fact, I'm going to meddle a little bit. I didn't say this in my book club,
but I might write it down and say it next week in my book club.
You're hoping to meet someone significant in order to fall in love and get married
because you're lonely.
But can I tell you that that's not going to solve your loneliness?
That's not going to solve your loneliness.
You were designed to just have one person in your life.
And so for those of you that are out here like, Oh God, where's my person?
First of all, they're not your person. They're just one of your persons.
Now, are they going to be a very significant person? Yes.
Are you going to prioritize them above all else besides God? Yes.
But they're not going to be your persons because you need more than one person.
And if you don't have more than one person in your life right now,
then that's a problem.
That's a problem that we probably need to work on before you even meet them.
And it's probably part of the reason why you haven't met them.
Because I do talk in this book about the six degrees of separation.
You have heard me teach that before, but I want to tell you guys,
I've been doing this for over six years now. Professionally.
I've been doing it as an amateur all of my life. Matchmaking my friends,
matchmaking the people all around me and, and helping in their love lives.
But professionally I've been doing for six years and I can tell you,
we don't have one success story in this community or in my private coaching
circle that when we replay the tapes,
when we connect the dots of those two people that are now together and
now married, we see all the people they had in common.
And there were a lot of people. They had a lot of people in common.
They had a lot of situations in common.
They had a lot of places of employment or schools or churches or cities.
They had things in common. You guys,
they were ships passing in the night until somebody
connected the dots until somebody pulled the thread until
somebody completed the circle. Do you see what I'm saying?
There isn't one success story that I know of.
Not one success story that I know of that there isn't someone that both of them
know within six degrees of separation.
I need you to take that in because I feel goosebumps all over my body right now.
God is trying to get through to you that you probably already know someone who
knows your person.
You know somebody who knows somebody,
you guys know that I've become famous in this community for saying this because
God said this to me one day, he said, Jackie,
somebody knows somebody who knows somebody who knows their spirit mate.
That was straight off.
The bread oven from heaven, bread from heaven.
That was a rhema word that I got from the Lord.
Somebody knows somebody who knows somebody who knows your spirit mate right now.
And so instead of feeling depressed and despondent and despairing,
you need to be making more friends.
You need to meet new people and not just the opposite sex, all kinds of people.
And you guys,
I preach this until I'm blue in the face and I'm going to keep preaching it and
I'm going to write books about it because this is what's missing.
We've got to bring back the village. You've got to get in a village.
If you don't have a village, then it's time to have one. All right,
so let's look at the way we used to date and let's look at.
at how recent the way that we date right now is.
Okay, and I write about this in the book.
For those of you that read it,
you're just getting a little recap of it,
which is great because once again,
we cannot hear things too much.
I think we've got to hear it lots and lots of times
until it sinks into our hard heads
because we all have, we have hard heads, don't we?
Okay, all right.
So let us look just real quickly.
I'm pretty sure that I have, well, I have it in the book.
I thought I had it in my notes,
but I definitely have it in the book.
So let's look.
Pre-1800s.
You guys know, you've read the Jane Austen books.
Raise your hand if you've read literature
from this timeframe where everyone's dating
within their communities, there's dances and there's balls
and you know, Pride and Prejudice
is a perfect example of this.
All right, I write really funny things
about Pride and Prejudice in this book.
So get the book so you can read it.
Village life.
This is when you lived your life in a rural community.
You did.
And you married someone from that community.
That is who you married.
You married someone who was related to someone
in that community.
So maybe from a neighboring farm town or a neighboring city,
but you married somebody that everybody knew
or everybody knew the family of.
This is why it was so important
to not get into a scandal back in these days.
This is why it was so important not to do anything
that you shouldn't be doing back in these days,
because if you got a bad reputation in the community,
then you weren't getting married, okay?
Nobody was gonna give their son or daughter to you.
No one's gonna give their daughter to you.
And daughter, if you were the one that became the,
you know, the blacklisted woman,
then you were just gonna have to stay in shame
with your family for the rest of your life, okay?
And then the late 1800s,
something happened called the Industrial Revolution.
Raise your hand if you know history
and you understand what happened.
Basically what happened, you guys, is cities opened.
Remember, these are farming towns.
In the pre-1800s and early 1800s, these are farming towns.
These are agricultural towns.
And so cities started opening and factories started opening
and we started producing things like cars
and different things started happening.
You know, like technology started advancing, basically.
And so these young people,
right about the time when they would be getting married,
instead of staying in their little towns
and their little agricultural circles and villages,
they left those places and they went into the big city.
And the boys went to work in factories
and the girls went to work in shops.
And this is where the first dates started happening.
In fact, you guys,
the newspapers wrote about the first dates.
They called them scandals.
They said they were gonna ruin society.
These young men asking these shop girls out
to dances and picture shows and food and whatever.
And I know this is gonna hurt your feelings,
all of you that are like,
chivalry says that a man should pay for a woman.
No, it actually was parody.
It was actually the patriarchy
because the boys in the factories
were getting paid a livable wage,
but the girls in the shops were not.
The girls were getting paid less than a half
of what the factory workers were getting paid.
And so they couldn't afford to go out to dinner
or to the picture show or to the dances,
unless they had a male escort that was paying for them.
Did you hear what I said?
This is where a guy paying for a girl on a date comes from.
How does that make you feel?
It's a little shocking, right?
It's like, oh,
now we're not saying that we don't want men to still pay,
but if you don't like a guy,
perhaps you should go ahead and Venmo him for that coffee.
If you know when you meet up with him
that there's not gonna be a second date,
that you're not interested at all,
why don't you go ahead and split it and pay for yourself?
If he lets you, a lot of guys won't even let you,
but you can go ahead and try,
especially now that you know the history of this.
The history of this has to do with first wave feminism.
It has to do with parity,
which is the equality between men and women in the workforce
and in the pay scale, the wage gap.
That's what it has to do with.
It has less to do with chivalry
and it has more to do with necessity.
Okay, all right.
And then we're gonna skip on to the World Wars.
So all the kids are leaving the farms,
they're going into the cities, they're working like this,
they're dating each other, it's a scandal,
all the things are happening.
And then the World War I happens
and all the boys in the factories go to war
and all the girls from the shops move into the factories
and start taking the men's jobs
because someone had to do it.
All right, the only people that left that were dating
were guys that were in college
and different things that were happening.
And then World War II is right on the heels
of World War I.
on still women in the factories, women doing all the male jobs,
women leaving their households, being the breadwinner for their
households, doing all the things.
And then the guys come back from war.
After world war two, we see there's a baby boom, right?
That's where all the baby boomers came from.
All those kids were born during that time.
And the people that weren't married, the people that were still single,
what started happening now is, is we had to resell the American
dream because everyone's been displaced.
The women have been in the workforce, working like men,
taking care of their households.
The men have been off to war and now everybody's back.
And what do we do?
There's a huge PR campaign called the 1950s.
You guys think world war two ended in 1947 or something like that.
And the 1950s, all of the women at home dressed up vacuuming in their
pearls and, you know, picket fence in the house and the kids and the men
are off to work and the women stay home and raise the children.
That was a PR campaign to try to get everyone back in their place, men
back to work, women back in the home, everything right with the world.
Everyone's smiling and happy, but guess what?
Too much damage had already been done.
Too much damage had been done.
And that's why you see the 1950s didn't actually work.
Did they?
That repainting that golden age.
A lot of you probably have looked back on pictures of that and been like, wow, I
wish I would've lived during the poodle skirt boys knocking on the door,
asking for permission to take me on a date, you know, no friends.
Okay.
Smoke and mirrors in the 1960s are like, nope, sorry, we're not doing this.
We're not going to fake it until we make it.
This isn't real.
And then you see that we have birth control being legalized.
We have abortion on demand being legalized.
We have divorce on demand being legalized.
And then you guys, everything really, really falls apart.
Sixties, seventies, lots of, lots of casual sex, lots of, uh, young people
trying to figure out their identities out there, marriage starts to decline.
Abortion starts to rise.
Divorce starts to rise.
A lot of you are kids from the seventies whose parents were divorced.
Raise your hand.
If your parents got one of those divorces on demand in the seventies, mine did.
My, my parents got divorced in 1976.
Let's see your hands.
If your parents got divorced in the seventies, early eighties.
Anybody else?
Okay.
So the eighties come roaring in with, oh, dating's a hobby now.
Remember all the sitcoms from the eighties and nineties, like sex in the
city and, and, uh, friends in the nineties, Seinfeld, sex in the city.
There were so many, so many sitcoms and everyone was single, right?
And everyone was dating like a revolving door, wasn't it?
It's like by the end of the season, everyone had had four or five different
partners, different girlfriends, boyfriends.
They were having sex with all of them.
You guys remember these sitcoms, right?
What are they selling us?
They're selling us that, Hey, being single is cool.
You should be single.
And that's when the first dating apps came out in the early nineties.
So the digital age took all of this bad information and it put it, you
know, at your fingertips on a dating app.
And so it was about dating.
It was about dating.
A lot of people is about keeping your options open.
And this is where the endless supply of options was born.
And all of the things you guys see what happened here to us.
And so when you guys hear me teach, when people ask me, why are there
so many single people in the earth?
The answer that I give them is because of the curse.
And you guys can clearly see the curse in all of this that's
happened since the 1800s.
Can you see it?
Capitalism, greed, more and more money, more and more this, that the
advancement of technology, which is not a bad thing, but the, the
leaving of families and the fraction, the frac, the fracturing of families
and divorce and, you know, children out of wedlock and abortion and all
the different things you guys see it.
And you're like, well, Jackie, what does abortion and birth control
have to do with like the disintegration of marriage?
Because people no longer have to get married to have sex because now
every time they have sex, it doesn't have to create a child.
Part of the reason why people used to get married before they had sex is
because when you have sex without birth control, the chances of
getting pregnant are good.
You guys, they didn't even have, they didn't have health class like you.
They didn't know about ovulation and all that stuff.
They just knew you have sex.
And it's like, it's like the Russian roulette.
You can have a baby every time.
See what I'm saying?
So now because of condoms, because of chemical birth control, like the
birth control pill, and then of course, abortion on demand, there's
always been abortions.
Don't trick yourself into thinking there hasn't been, there's always
been abortions, but now safe abortions, abortions on demand, abortions
in clinic, medically, medically approved abortions that you can just pay.
for and get. All of those things increased the rate of of the disintegration of marriage or the
the the lessening of the marriage rate. Do you guys know since the consensus the census began
I think it was 1860 is when the census began. You guys you know the census is where they give
you a little survey in your mailbox that you have to fill out how many people live in this house,
what are their ages, what are their races, are they married or not married.
Since the census came out marriage is at the lowest that it's ever been since 1860.
Right now in some people groups different people groups it's even lower. Some people groups it's
at really really really low rates. Some age groups it's at really low rates. Millennials
have one of the lowest rates of marriage right now 56 percent. You guys in the 80s people between
the ages of 27 and 43 which is what the millennials are right now 20 I'm sorry 29 and 44.
That age group in the 1980s was like 90 married. Do you see what I'm saying? Now you guys I'm not
saying any of this to to discourage you I'm actually saying it to encourage you. It's not
you that's broken it's the system that's broken and we can fix it. You want to know how we can fix
it? No we're not going to go back to pride and prejudice. We're not going to go and join you
know Puritan handmaidens tale farming communities but we are going to bring back the village.
We are going to bring back some of the ancient ways which is what we've already been doing in
things like last year single because modern dating may suck but your love story definitely
does not have to. All right so all this stuff that's been happening what has it done to you?
I will tell you what it's done to you. It has given you some pre-programming when it comes
to dating and in the book for the sake of putting it in a synopsis I had to put it into
five different scripts. So depending on where you were born and what you experienced in your
origin family with love and romance and who was married or who was divorced or what tv shows you
watched growing up or what movies you liked, what music you listened to, if you went to school in
the inner city, if you went to school in the suburbs, if you lived in the north, if you lived
in the south, depending on what it was that you brought into your mind and heart during your
formative years you're probably running one of these scripts. Okay let me just read them off
really quickly and then I'm going to have you guys vote on which ones you guys have. The fairy
tale script. The fairy tale script is exactly what you think it is. You think that love is destined.
That doesn't matter what you do. Destiny is going to find you. It's dramatic. You feel like you're
going to know. If you know, you know. You're going to know as soon as you see the person.
There's a lightning bolt that's going to hit you. You're expecting it to feel like something
specific or to look like something specific and you just know that when you meet the person that
you're going to know that they are the one. And no matter what else is going on, no matter what
odds are against you, you guys will overcome those odds because you're destined and meant to be
together. This is a version of the one but it's also a version of just the fairy tale that God
has a person picked out for you and someday they're going to find you.
All right. The next one is the passive guy script.
The next one is the passive guy script or the chill girl script. Okay I've seen a lot of this
in this community and I've seen a lot of this in my private coaching. You think that if you just
are cool enough, if you're laid back enough, if you're just go with the flow enough that
this person's going to fall in love with you or someone's going to fall in love with you,
that that's what's attractive. That people don't like high maintenance people and so you're going
to abandon your own needs in relationship because you just want to be easygoing and easy to be with
and easy to choose. Well guess what? Those people don't get chosen. Those people get used. Those
people end up in situationships. Guys, you too. The good guy finishes last. No, the passive guy
finishes last. Please listen to me. Passive men finish last. Women want men who know where they're
going and know what they want and know how to get there. That's attractive to women. Not an
aggressive, alpha, toxic way, but in a, I have thought about this. I know what I want. I know
what I need and I want you. Now if she shoots you down, then okay, you move on. But you got to shoot
your shot. You got to shoot it fast. You got to shoot it with confidence. You got to shoot it
with confidence. You got to get up to that free throw line and you got to shoot it like you know
you can make it. You can't just be like, well, you know, if you want to or we can hang out or
you know, I'm going to end, I'm going to be over here. I'm going to be your friend or be your
buddy and hopefully one day, you know, you're going to see me as something else. No, she'll
never see you as anything else. Okay, so that's another script you might be running.
Don't be difficult. Don't talk about what you want because that just scares the
away. Scarcity script is another one. The good ones out there are rare. There's very few of them
left. So we have to make sure that we don't mess this up. We have to make sure that we do everything
right. And if you have an anxious attachment style and you have a scarcity script, oh baby,
you won't be in trouble. You're going to be hanging on to stuff that you should have never
even given a second conversation to. Because you're like, well, there's probably nothing
better out there. So I'm going to hang on to the leg of this one, make sure they don't get away.
It's going to be like that movie, Misery, going to have them chained up somewhere,
breaking their legs with a sledgehammer, trying to keep them. No, no, no, no, no. All right. Next,
the independent script. A lot of you are running the script. You think that someone's going to
climb your walls because you're going to act like I don't need anybody because that's sexy, right?
I'm fine. I'm self-sufficient. I don't need anybody. I'm, I'm, I'm super confident. I'm super,
you know, I'm a boss, babe, gentlemen. You know, I've got my stuff together. You know,
she wants to be with me. Then, you know, she's going to have to go where I'm going and she'll
have to go. More women run this than men. The independent script, way more women, but gentlemen,
you're running it too. And you're running it in a different way. You're running it in,
I'm going to build my business. I'm going to build my body. I'm going to go out here and
I'm going to have a certain amount of money. And I'm going to make myself someone that a
woman can fall in love with. No, sir. You don't build yourself up in order to get a woman. You
get a woman in order to have her partner with you to build yourself up. God has ordained it to be
this way. We're better together. You can't go out here and make a life that a woman wants to join.
You have to go out here and you do your best in your single season. When you're a young,
young man of figuring out what it is you're good at and where you should go and what God's calling
you to do. And then you meet a woman and you partner and you build together. That's what you
do. That's why so many older people are having so much trouble, even after they get married,
because you've built this life. And now you're asking someone to join it. And maybe the pieces
don't really quite fit together. And so there's a lot of change. There's a lot of transition.
You know, there's a lot of sacrifice and rubbing off rough corners and edges that need to happen
because you have, you know, been very autonomous and very independent for a really long time.
And now you're asking someone to join what you've built instead of building it together.
All right. And then we have the passive faith script, which a lot of you have been running
for a long time. If it's meant to happen, it will. If it's meant to happen, it will.
Okay. It is meant to happen. You've been hardwired for it ever since you were born.
The prototype is men and women together. The exception is singleness. Please hear me.
The rule is marriage. The exception is singleness. Do you hear me? It's not the other way around.
Meaning the majority of mankind, humankind is going to be in a maturity process called
marriage and family. And then a few precious individuals because of, you know, weird stuff
that happened to them. And then maybe once in a blue moon, a calling of celibacy and abstinence
and singleness. Okay. It's the exception. It's not the rule. So the passive faith script will
tell you to go sit in some proverbial waiting room because someone told you that was holy.
That's not holy. That's passive. You're expecting God to do your part and his part.
That's passive. You're expecting God to do your part and his part.
Now there is a supernatural element to every love story that I've ever seen,
but you have to do the natural so God can put his super on it.
And then it will be supernatural. Understand? You guys picking up what I'm putting down today?
I'm looking at you. Nod your head. Nod your head. Yes or no.
All right. All right. So you can run more than one script at a time. Like someone might be running
the chill girl script and the, um, and the passive faith script at the same time. Someone
might be running the fairy tale script and the passive faith script. A lot of people that are
running the passive faith script, they also are running the fairy tale script because they're
like, okay, I'm going to go over here and wait. And God's going to bring me this amazing love
story. And I'm just going to know them when I see them. I'm going to know it. I'm going to feel it.
God, the heavens are going to open and a white dove is going to descend
and what poop on their head. No, that's not the way it works. And I will tell you that men,
when they do their heartwork, when they do their heartwork and they get out of their own way with
feeling like they have to be fully accomplished and they have to fully
built something and they have to have it all together.
When men do their heartwork and get out of their own way,
they very commonly know that a woman is their wife because they go into this
marriage minded season and they're really are marriage ready.
And when that happens,
they very commonly have told me that they knew pretty early on,
like, I know it's going to scare some of you,
but within the first three to five dates,
they knew that this was a woman that they wanted to marry.
Not necessarily that they were going to marry her,
but that they could marry her. Does that make sense? All right,
go ahead and put in the chat friends. Which of these scripts are you running?
You can run more than one.
Some of you are going to say I'm running all of them scripts, girl. All right,
put up. Let's see. Let's see it.
Let's see it. Let's see it.
I don't see anything. Do I not have, Oh, here.
My bad. All right.
Okay.
Lots of fairy tales up in here. You guys got to let go of that.
Trust me. My love story did not look like a fairy tale.
I know some of you were like,
I want him to be my neighbor just like David was yours. You guys,
it was a bad season. It was not a fairy tale, honey.
It was a hard season.
Scarcity, lots of scarcity. See some independence going on here.
Okay.
Karen said, I think that I've been running three,
four and five all at the same time. All right. So she's running scarcity,
independence, impassive all at the same time.
Some of y'all got some PI bipolar scripts running
for the exact opposite of each other. So you're like this,
that, this, that. Okay. That's why when people date you,
they don't know who's going to show up to the date because you're running
opposite scripts.
It's like you could be the chill girl and the next day you can be the
independent girl. I don't need you. I don't need a man.
What are you talking about? Right? And the next day you show up as, Oh,
pick me, pick me, pick me. I'll be whatever you want. I can do it. I can do.
I can be purple. I can be blue. I can be anything you want me to. All right.
Okay.
All right. Okay. So you guys,
your homework and those of you that are in the book club,
you've already done this,
but everyone else's homework cause we're going to go into some Q and a now
because we're, we're going to cover more good stuff next week.
So if you can be here live, make sure you're here live next Thursday.
I think it's Thursday. Look on your,
look on your calendar in your app and see,
but next week we're going to do some breakout sessions.
We're going to talk about your revi your advisory,
your relationship advisory circle, how to build it, who should be on it.
I'm going to put you in breakout so you can meet some new people,
especially if you don't have anyone else to be part of that.
But right now I want to do a dating autopsy with you. Okay.
Trying to think of how I can do it right now. Okay. Actually what I think,
I am going to put you in breakouts. Okay. So here are,
here are what we're going to do in the breakouts.
We're going to go into the breakouts and you're going to pick your most dominant
script and you're going to share it and you're going to share it.
You're going to share how it showed up in your latest dating situation.
Even if it was just talking to someone,
even if it was just having a crush and you never did talk to them,
how it showed up. Okay. And then I want you to share.
So you're going to share your most dominant script or scripts, no more than two,
how they show up currently right now.
And then you're also going to share one more thing,
one belief about dating that you've actually outgrown.
and you're no longer doing sound good you guys got it your most active scripts and how they're
showing up and sabotaging you right now and then something that you've actually overcome
and that you no longer believe two things sound good i understand all right karen we'll see you
later girl all right okay i'm about to put you in some breakout rooms all right include the co-hosts
in the breakouts um um
i have a couple i have a couple hosts on here um i have a couple coaches on here i should say so
so i'm just quickly making them some co-hosts
all right and then
so all right i'm making the groups you guys in one minute go clockwise in your group person
at 12 shares first and go clockwise all right no one over talk please be respectful make sure that
everyone gets a turn and then we come back we're going to do some q a we're going to do some shares
it's going to be great i'll see you soon
you
okay you have to hit that button that says join the room for those of you that are still here
i you need to hit that button in order to go to your room
so
come on y'all
so
you
so
okay
Sorry, Renee, I didn't mean to put you in there.
I was all good. I was actually being nosy. So I thought I said, I'm just here for more support.
I did want, I did want Cheryl and Ebony to make it into a room, but since they're single.
The rest of these folks, Alice, Juana, Lucia, Rachel, Yesenia, I don't know where y'all are.
Maybe you're in your rooms and it just still shows that you're here.
Do you want to pause the recording?
I can do that.
All right, friends, welcome back.
Did you guys find out that people are more like you than they are not like you?
Guys have a lot in common. Lots of things in common.
We had one, I had one lady who was independent. The other was scarcity.
So I, and I was an independent too.
Okay. Thanks for sharing Hunter.
Okay. All right, you guys raise your hand and we'll start some Ask Jackie Q&A.
All right. So next week we are going to hop into the second, some of the highlights.
Once again, I'm doing a lot more in the book club that I'm doing here because
obviously time and I just don't have time, but I am going to do a little bit of work
with you guys on, you know, bringing back your village, your individual village.
And of course we are a village, all of us are a village together as well.
And so we'll do, we'll do some work on what do we do about this?
How do we recognize the scripts in real time?
How do we allow other people in our lives to help us recognize these scripts
so that we can rewrite portions of them and we can be successful.
I believe that each and every one of you can have a summer of love,
be engaged by the fall or be asking a woman to marry you by the fall.
Do you believe that? Cause I do.
There is no reason why it cannot happen and why it should not happen.
Okay. And so that's going to be great.
All right. So let's go ahead and put, put up your hands.
I think, I think a few people already have their hands up that have questions.
Now we're going into kind of a regular Ask Jackie, regular love seats type of flow.
I'm going to coach you from the information in this book though.
Okay. And so we're going to go ahead and do that.
And let's go ahead and start with Pamela. I'm going to.
Hi there.
You have to start, you have to turn on your video.
If you're going to jump in the love seat, Pamela.
Oh, okay. Hold on a second. Okay.
Um, let me turn on a light. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just got off of work.
It's okay.
Okay. All right.
All of you that have your hands up, make sure you have your cameras on.
I'm not camera ready, but I'm not camera ready, but that's okay.
I mean, it's fine. Whatever.
You are absolutely fine.
Okay. So my question is, um, out of the scripts, where would,
cause I was trying to pick things out.
Where would like the rescuer helper person fall in that,
in those scripts? Cause I had a little trouble with that.
Well, here's the thing, you know, we're not talking about,
we're talking about what we believe about our love story,
not necessarily how we act in our love story.
So, you know, um, probably, uh, maybe us, one of the, maybe scarcity,
like, Hey, I, I have to fix the person that I'm going to be in relationship with.
I have to help them. I have to save them.
I can't just go find someone who's already.
somebody who's already done the work,
because there's not a lot of good ones out here.
So if there's anything about this person that I like,
then I'm just gonna have to suck up all the things
that I don't like.
Okay, that makes sense.
And that's kind of the one that I was leaning more towards,
but since you, you know, I was thinking about it
in the wrong way, but you just changed that for me.
So thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
And you look great.
You do, you're gorgeous.
Gorgeous hair, beautiful smile, beautiful skin.
What's not to love?
I don't care if you got off work.
What do you do for work, Pamela?
I'm a registered respiratory therapist.
Oh, all right.
Well, that sounds like you're saving lives.
And so once again, so what she does for a living
kind of bleeds over a little bit
into other things, doesn't it, friends?
And that happens to a lot of us,
even though we don't know it.
Those of you that are counselors,
those of you that work in healthcare,
a lot of you are applying those dynamics
that you have at your job to your friendships
and your romantic relationships.
That happens very frequently.
Okay, Jessica Frank, camera on.
I'm gonna spotlight you.
Add spotlight.
Oh man.
There she is.
Hey, thank you.
Hey, I think mine's pretty quick.
I've been seeing a guy for about seven weeks.
We are exclusive.
He was married, he's been divorced about four years,
has two children, two girls, seven and 11.
And I do recall this question has been asked in the past,
but I could not remember your response.
He texted me recently.
Basically, just so you know,
my children will always come first.
And I'm like, I don't think Jackie loves when we hear that.
But I couldn't remember what you usually say.
So if you could just remind me, that would be great.
Okay, so you guys are exclusive
and you're talking about marriage.
Not yet.
Okay, but you know that he wants to be remarried.
He wants to be married.
Okay.
All right, so you guys see the difference there?
They're seven weeks in, they're exclusive.
He's asked you to be his girlfriend, correct?
Called me his bill.
I was like, what the heck is that?
You're his boo, but he doesn't have any other boos.
Is this correct?
Correct, yes.
All right, so you guys have had a conversation
that neither one of you is dating anyone else.
Yes.
And you want to see where this goes.
I did.
Okay.
I mean, I'm still seeing him, but.
Okay, and so, but you know he's marriage-minded.
He has expressed to you in conversation,
not necessarily marry you,
but he does want to be married again.
Correct, yeah.
All right, so you guys, just to catch you up.
So Jessica is dating someone.
She's been dating him for seven weeks.
It's a little less than two months, and they're exclusive.
That's right about where I would say
having a define the relationship, where is this going?
What are we to each other conversation?
Seven weeks, that's good.
It happens sometimes quicker than that,
maybe a couple of weeks later than that,
but definitely within 90 days,
according to my framework in this book,
you want to know that you're exclusive with someone
and you're building towards a future together.
Now you heard what she just said.
She said that this guy that she's building with,
okay, she's building a relationship with him,
maybe not a future and a marriage,
but a relationship, told her, just want to let you know.
My kids are always going to come first.
Okay, how old are the kids?
Seven and 11.
All right, so there's a couple of things
that might be happening here.
One of the things that might be happening
is he has heard the folklore of women trying to,
women, the step monster folklore.
A woman comes in and tries to divide a man from his children,
tries to take him over,
tries to get him to cut off his children,
not give them any money,
not see them anymore kind of thing.
And that happens, you guys,
and unfortunately it happens a lot.
It's not sometimes, it's common that this happens.
A lot of women don't want anything to do with children
that are not theirs.
Do you guys believe me?
And they don't really come across like that at first.
You know, they want to win the man over,
they want to win his heart,
but then the manipulation starts and the deception starts
and they're sowing seeds of detachment and disconnection
with him and his kids.
Okay, there's a reason why when you hear wicked step mother,
it's not wicked step father.
The reason why that's a moniker,
wicked step mother is because it happens way too often
because women are very territorial
and they're very jealous and they're very insecure.
Okay, so he could just be testing you.
Even unconsciously, he could be testing you right now.
And so we can't make a decision on this man
based on that one statement,
because he could just be seeing
like where your loyalties are,
you know, how you're gonna feel.
Most men that are good men,
that are divorced and have young children especially,
they wanna marry a woman
who's gonna love their children like their own.
That's what they want.
And so he could be testing you.
And so if I were you and you really liked this guy
and there's a lot to like about him,
and this is the only kind of yellow flag,
I would continue to see him
and I would make sure that you are letting him know
that you have no desire to steal him away from his children.
You know, in little ways, in little ways.
Like, have you met the kids yet?
You're only seven weeks in, you probably haven't met them.
Okay, does he have a plan for introducing you to the kids?
No.
Right, and what is his relationship with their mother?
It's good.
Amicable, is that, that's the right word?
It's amicable, it's good.
And is she cool with him dating and getting remarried?
Yeah, she has a boyfriend, yes.
Cool, awesome.
All right, yes, it could just be, even unconsciously,
him just wondering like, you know,
whether you're gonna be some jealous or insecure woman.
Oh, that's, I've never even had a thought
like you just described, so.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, okay.
You like stuff about him besides the statement?
Yeah, there's other yellow flags,
but I just set up a coaching call with Renee.
And how does Juan share information like this?
What kind of environment were you guys in
where he busted out with, just so you know?
That was a text, which I, I mean,
I've had Renee's coaching for two years.
What were you guys talking about?
We had plans and he was gonna be late,
which I'm like, bro, like I'm, I don't call him that.
Okay, so, okay, so you had plans,
he was gonna be late
and he was gonna be late because of his kids.
Yes.
Okay, all right, yeah.
I don't see that as harmful at all.
I feel like if you like this guy
and there's a lot of other things that you like about him,
I think that, I think that, you know, that's fine.
Now you do wanna be prioritized during the relationship.
And if you start to see that,
cause I'm just gonna tell you this about men
and you probably already know this,
but I'm gonna reiterate it to you.
Even when men have kids, if they are marriage minded
and they're relationship minded,
they will make room and make space and make time
and prioritize building with you
if they really, really like you.
He hasn't done that this week.
We haven't spoken on the phone at all this week.
And I called him twice.
Just this week.
What's the change this week?
I don't know.
When's the last time you saw him?
Sunday.
How did you respond to my kids come first comment?
Oh, I was like, no problem.
I understand.
Like, yeah.
Okay, great.
Yeah.
And what is he doing differently this week
that he doesn't usually do?
Is there some extra work?
Is there some extra kid stuff?
Is there something that's causing him to be,
you know, AWOL?
He's had the kids twice.
They live with her, but they, he lives a block from them.
So he sees them every morning and takes them to school.
Okay, so we are Thursday.
We're Thursday.
You haven't heard from him at all?
Just good morning.
Which I'm like, listen, don't even send me that.
Like, it's so lame.
So you've heard good morning.
Yeah.
Sorry.
That's it.
And how often do you guys usually talk
and how often do you get together?
We were doing like once during the week
and then once on the weekends.
But the last two weeks
we haven't been able to work out during the week.
Okay.
And do you guys talk on the phone
between those dates in person?
Haven't been.
Okay.
So it's completely okay for you, Jessica.
This is not demanding.
Okay.
Cause we don't want to run the chill girl script.
Okay.
Right.
We're not going to run the chill girl.
I'm easygoing.
I'm go with the flow.
No, you have needs, you have desires
and you've been dating this guy for almost two months.
He's asked you to exclusively date him and no one else
which gives you the right to say, hey, you know
I know that our schedules are not aligning
but when we can't get together in person,
I really, I really need to talk to you on the phone.
Can we FaceTime?
You know, I'm feeling kind of disconnected, you know
missing, missing seeing you.
It could be light.
You don't have to be demanding.
I'm missing seeing you.
You know, can we connect?
Because he can be overwhelmed.
You guys, this is what you need to know about single dads.
If he wanted to, he would, does not fit them that well.
Single dads that have little kids
and they have shared parenting.
I know, cause I'm married to one,
same, almost the same age as the guy she's dating.
The kids were nine and 11 when I met David
and he had a lot on his plate as a single dad
and he only had them a couple.
times a week, just like this dude. And it was, it was a lot.
There's a reason why men don't have children on their own.
There's a reason why women shouldn't have children on their own. Okay.
We need each other. And so I just want to let you know that he might want to,
but he might be being spread a little too thin.
So she needs to ask for her needs to be met, not in a demanding way,
but in an informative way.
And then I want you to report back to us and tell us what happens.
Here's the thing. If he gets upset that you have needs,
if he feels like you're being too demanding, if he pulls back even more,
then you just know this, he could be a good guy. Um,
he could even be a compatible guy, a guy that has your non-negotiables,
et cetera, et cetera, but he's not ready for relationship.
He doesn't got his stuff. Right. He might even think he might've even thought
when he asked you to be his girlfriend, that he was ready,
but he has not gotten his stuff together to a place where he can
actually give you the time and attention you deserve.
So we're going to find out, aren't we? Yeah. All right. That's your homework.
Let us know. Let us know, girl. We want to know report to us.
We're your village. Okay. Jessica, we're your village. Okay. Sarah bath.
Okay. Wait, let me find Jessica.
She doesn't want to continue to be spotlighted when she's not talking.
You guys. And I'm just kind of rushing things along.
Cause I want to make sure I get everybody in, um, shoot,
um, remove spotlight. Okay. Um,
all right. Sarah path. Hello.
Oh, I did. Yes. I went over to the dark side. I mean, why not? Right.
Went to the dark side. Cause we have,
that's why I haven't even, I wasn't planning on being on camera,
but I had a question. So, um,
I'm running around like a mad woman trying to get packed for vacation. But, um,
so I have a little crush and I want to talk through that.
I want to ask you, cause I have really strong opinions about crushes. Yes.
So the first question I want to ask you is how long have you been crushing?
Oh, not long. I mean, like, um,
a week, maybe, no, not even that long. Probably. I mean,
I have known this person for a very long time. He actually lives in my town.
How about that? Um,
just recently started seeing him in a different way. Okay. Go ahead.
Okay. So I see him when I go for a walk in the evening,
there's a college here close and I go walk and he works there.
And so we are there all the time. Just he's running. I'm walking.
And I see him, you know, just in passing, we always just say hello and chit chat.
I mean, it's nothing, you know, anything crazy, but just, you know,
we're just nice. And, you know, like I said, we've known each other forever.
So anyway, but tell us how you know each other forever. So,
well, I mean, not forever,
but I have known of him that we have not had like a friendly relationship.
Like he went to school here. He's from here.
I've lived over this way since about 2008 acquaintances. Yes.
Yes. Um, and so anyway,
but the other day we stopped and talked for
about an hour and that had never really happened before. And he kind of,
you know, opened up to me about some different things about, you know,
his past marriage, which was about eight, eight, nine years ago, you know,
he's gone through a divorce and that kind of thing. And so, um, you know,
nothing too deep, but I mean, he's been through some hard stuff.
I've been through some hard stuff and we just kind of, you know,
talked about some things and also some fun things like what we like to watch on
TV and just different things like that, you know? Um, and so anyway,
um, then I had told him, I was like, um,
there's somebody on a TV show that reminds me of you. And you know,
when I think when I see him, I think, Oh my gosh,
he reminds me so much of you. And I said, if I can find it, I'll send it to you.
He said, yeah, send it to me. So I sent it to him. Um, we,
we're Instagram and Facebook friends, you know, and so I sent it to him and then
he wrote me back and, and he was just like, well,
I'll take that as a compliment. And I said, well, you should. And,
and then he was like, well, I'm glad for the great chat today. And I said,
well, me too. And, um, and you know, he's Christian, you know, and,
and he's, we talked about the Lord and, um, you know,
how he's kind of been on a journey with that as well. And so my,
my question is like, there's no clear, like, you know,
like he knows I'm single. I'm not 100% sure.
I'm pretty certain that he's single. Um, but
okay. Like what am I saying? What's your question?
Your question is what do I do next?
Yeah. Like do I just like continue to see him and just say hi and talk and,
or is there a point to where I'm like, Hey, you know, if you're interested,
you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?
I don't want to be too forward.
Yes.
No, I get what you're saying.
But here's where if he wanted to, he would, does apply.
All right, you guys listening?
He has access to her.
They run into each other regularly.
They have now connected.
Even though they were already Facebook friends,
they now have a connection on Facebook.
They have an open chat on social media
where she has sent him a picture of someone he looks like.
And he has said, I enjoyed our chat.
She has reciprocated and said, I enjoyed our chat, too.
The ball is in his court.
Do you see why?
Because he knows he's going to run into her.
He knows where she's going to be.
He knows when she walks.
He knows that she does walk.
He runs at the same place.
They've run into each other several times.
They now have an open chat on Facebook.
She doesn't have to drop the hanky.
The hanky's dropped, all right?
So the next time that you run into him, just like you
were like, oh, hey, you know, someone looks like you,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you
can say to him something like, have you ever
been to such and such a place in your town?
Maybe you have a new coffee shop or something there.
Have you ever been to that place?
Oh, I go there a lot.
You know, we, you know, you should meet me there sometime.
You can do something like that when
you see him in person next if he hasn't already
asked you out by then.
Yeah.
OK, sound good?
Yes.
All right, Sarah.
I mean, he said he enjoyed your company.
That's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was telling the group, I'm a romantic, right?
And like the fairy tale thing kind of hit me, you know?
And so I'm like, I just want to keep it, keep it,
you know, at bay a little bit.
And I'm just trying to figure it out, so.
No, I love it that you guys cross paths
and it could become something.
But he has to want it to become something.
And he has to, you know, you're making yourself available.
You're open, you're receptive, you know, you're flirting.
And, you know, just even saying, oh, you
look like someone from a TV show.
That's flirting, honey, all right?
That's flirting.
Thank you.
Unless the guy was, you know, mid-ugly
and then we have a problem.
He is definitely not.
OK, all right.
So you told him that he looked like someone
who's probably substantially better looking than him
because they're on TV.
So guess what?
That's a flex.
You just flexed this guy.
All right, so we'll see what happens, but keep us posted.
If you see him in person and you want to, you know,
tell him about some place in your town
that he might not have gone to and be like,
we should go there together.
Then, you know, or you know what you could do, Sarah?
Because you guys both walk around,
you should be like, hey, we should come here
at the same time on purpose, you know?
You could definitely do that too.
OK.
All right, girl.
Thank you, Jackie, appreciate it.
I always want to go to my place.
Who's got their stuff unmuted?
OK.
All right, you guys, we have to do a speed round
because we have nine minutes.
And so as soon as I spotlight you,
you have to ask your question.
We can't have any back story now, OK?
Because we don't have enough time.
All right, so let's do it.
Peggy's up.
Peggy, what's your question?
OK, I just want to know when you get
to the place of going on dating apps, which I haven't done yet
because I'm in phase two and I just, I haven't done that.
So how many apps do you go on?
Do you just pick one?
Do you do two, three, whatever?
I mean, what?
I would pick two.
For those of you that are only on one, I would do two, OK?
And I do have, all the people in my book club
are on a dating app sabbatical for the duration
of the book club.
But you guys are not in that.
You're not on the sabbatical.
So I'm in the clubs.
So I'm on the sabbatical.
Yeah.
OK, well, guess what, honey?
We're going to go into depth about how
you do that in week four.
OK, perfect.
You got it.
OK.
I'm excited.
I'm excited to do that.
Did I answer your question?
Yes, it did.
Thank you.
OK, awesome.
Rosanna, you're up.
OK, what you got, Rosanna?
OK, can you hear me?
Hi, so really quickly, one of the guys,
I think you answered some of it, he
was dealing with a custody battle
with somebody I was talking to.
And I'm starting, we haven't spoken in a couple of days.
And we haven't seen each other.
It was four weeks when we matched.
And I'm like, he was like, I'm starting
to see that I am not finding joy in what I'm doing.
And so I've picked up on it, obviously.
So I just wanted to let it be like, hey,
when things settle down on your side, reach out to me.
We clicked so well in the first two weeks.
And I feel like I answered this in text.
You did.
You did answer some.
Yeah, I just wanted to know how I should phrase it to like,
can I just say that in a sense of,
I wanted to know how to phrase it.
I'm going to text him this weekend.
That's exactly what you should do.
You should just say, hey, you got a lot going on
in your life right now.
And I'll be praying for you.
And when your custody is over and your divorce is over,
hit me up.
Okay. Just leave it like that. That's fine. That's all I wanted. Thank you.
Yep. And listen, if he pushes back, then you already know that this guy is, you know, trying
to do things out of order in his life. He's not ready for a relationship. He's in the
middle of some very complicated stuff.
Correct. Yes. Thank you.
You know, he doesn't have bandwidth for that. All right, Susan, you're up. Thank you, Rosanna,
for the question. And you guys, this doesn't mean, listen, not everyone who's going through
divorce has this guy's situation. We don't have time to talk to you all about it, but
Rosanna spelled it out really clearly in our, in our dating, our book club questionnaire.
And so this guy has a lot of drama in his life right now. He's in the middle of a custody
battle. Okay. And so that's not someone that you want to partner up with. That's not someone
you want to date. That's not, that's not, that's not the right timing for that. I know
he probably wants a distraction. Makes sense. I would want a distraction too, but just cause
you want a distraction doesn't mean that, you know, you should be having one. All right.
And let me see. I think that I forgot to, poor Peggy. She keeps getting spotlighted
by me, Peggy. I got you. All right. Um, no, you're not there anymore. Okay. You're there
on my screen, right? Susan Bennett. Let me find you. It says you're spotlighted. Do you
guys see Susan? Oh, there you are. Talk. Hello there, darling. Hello darling. I always get
so nervous to ask you a question. I don't know why. I don't know why. Okay. So there's
a guy, a man who I went to elementary school with, has out of the blue started calling
me. And we've communicated a little bit over the years, but anyway, so he lives in Chicago.
His daughter was coming to Durango and he took me out on a date through his daughter
in Durango. And she was a lovely young lady. She's a lawyer, blah, blah, blah. He lives
in Chicago and he, um, and so he says, you know, when you come to Indianapolis to see
your daughter, who's having a baby in August, let me know. And I will, I will come down
and see you. And intellectually, uh, he's, he's way up here and I love it. We have great
conversations. And, um, but it's like, it's, it's kind of baffling to me getting, I feel
like I I'm always like getting the cart before the horse and I'm jumping ahead and I'm thinking
about how much I don't want to live in the Midwest ever again. And he's very, um, established
in Chicago. And so I start thinking about, oh my gosh, I don't want to move. I don't
want to live in the Midwest ever again in my life. And, um, but I haven't even seen
him in decades other than photographs and, um, Facebook. And so,
Okay, wait, I need, I need caught up. So you knew this guy from your past, you reconnected
through his daughter and you went on a date and he said, Hey, if you're ever in my neck
of the woods, you know, I'll come down and I'll take you out again.
Yes.
And you had a good time with him and you're attracted to him, but you just don't want
to live in Chicago. And he's, he's entrenched in Chicago. He's embedded and you're just
like, so what's the question?
Yeah. I'm, I'm, you know, I'm flitting about, but no, my, my, my question is no, it's not
that I'm attracted to him. I mean, intellectually I'm attracted to him artistically, physically,
not so much. And then I think, am I so vain to think that is physical that important,
but it kind of is based on being, I'm in the older age bracket and people aren't healthy
and then they die early and you don't want a guy that's not very healthy and hasn't taken
care of himself over the years.
Okay. So you're jumping ahead. Cause during these sessions, we are going to build our
non-negotiable lists. And I think that when you build that, we're going to answer all
these questions.
Okay.
We're going to build that together. Are you in the book club?
Yes, I am.
Okay. We're going to build it there. We're going to build it in depth. We'll do a little
brief building here. Um, but, uh, I think that, I think a lot of your questions are
going to be answered when we do that.
Okay.
Okay. Cause you guys, if you notice, this is what she's talking about. She's talking
about non-negotiables versus preferences. And a lot of you guys have things shifted
on those lists. You have preferences on your non-negotiable list. You have non-negotiables
on your preference list.
And I will tell you, here is my litmus test for that.
Here's my litmus test for that.
You ready?
I'm just going to go ahead and give it to you.
I'm going to give it to you straight.
I'm going to give it to you right now.
Since we're here, we might as well do it.
Okay.
Here is the litmus test.
Here's a question to ask yourself about the thing, the item, the line item, whether you
have it currently on your non-negotiables or not.
Is this standard?
Oh, hold on.
This is the question.
Okay.
I use this with every private client that I coach, you guys.
By the way, I have two coaching slots open for coaching with me.
I know a lot of you write in, you're like, is Jackie one-on-one coaching?
No, I'm not.
Right now, I have two slots open.
I know that that makes it sound like scarcity, but I'm only one person.
I have a lot of stuff going on with building this community.
And you guys, we do have a community-based matchmaking app coming out in mid-July.
So hang tight in here.
You're going to be so glad you did.
It's going to have all the bells and whistles.
Thanks to AI and thanks to all the advancements in technology that we've never been able to
get our hands on before in helping you not only be matchmade yourself, but also matchmake
each other.
It's just going to be incredible.
All right.
I'll talk about that later.
Okay.
Here's the question.
That shifts a non-negotiable to a preference or the other way.
This is what I ask you.
Imagine this person.
Okay.
So Susan, you're imagining this person right now.
You don't know him.
You do.
Imagine him.
Okay.
Imagine this person has everything on your non-negotiable list.
Every single trait, every single thing on your non-negotiable list, the things that
you think are non-negotiable friends.
They have every single one of those things, except for this one thing.
This one thing.
They don't have this one thing that's on your non-negotiable list.
Okay.
But you're attracted to them.
You really like them, but they're only missing this one item.
Would you still say yes to being with them?
If you would, then it's a preference.
And if you wouldn't, then it's a deal breaker.
And you have to ask yourself that question for every single thing on your non-negotiable.
When you build that, for those of you in the book club, we're going to do that intensively.
Those of you want to join the next book club, you can join the next book club and I'll do
that work with you intensively.
We'll do a little brief amount of it here in the last year single program because I want
you to do it.
But I'm going to tell you this, each thing that you think is on your non-negotiable list
should not have more than seven, eight things on it at the most.
Really it should have about five things on it, five or less.
But each one of those things, you have to ask yourself that question.
If this person had all these other things, but they just didn't have this one right here,
this thing, would I still want to go forward with them or would it be a deal breaker and
I would have to show up to the next date and say, Hey, I'm sorry, we're not compatible.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I don't see this going anywhere.
Hey, I'm sorry.
You're not the right one for me.
That's how you know.
That's how you know whether or not you're that serious and it's a non-negotiable.
That's how you know.
All right.
Okay.
It means you would not listen no matter how hot they are, no matter how attracted you
are, no matter how funny they are, no matter how much you like them, you still could not
go forward with them if they did not have that thing or if they had that thing that's
on your non-negotiable list.
That's how you know it's a real non-negotiable.
Feel me?
Do you guys realize that non-negotiable means non-negotiable?
It means deal breaker.
It means you're not negotiating on this thing.
It's a no.
It's a, I've seen all I need to see is a no.
It's a hard pass.
It's a no.
It doesn't mean they're a terrible person.
It doesn't even mean you don't like them.
You could really like them a lot, but you're like, no matter how much I like them, I just
can't go forward with this one thing.
Okay.
All right, girl, we're going to get there with you.
Amen.
You're going to be engaged by the fall.
That's what I know.
I sure hope so.
You're going to, and that hair is going to look gorgeous as a bride.
She's going to have gorgeous bride hair.
What are we going to do with her?
Okay.
You guys, we're over time.
So we're going to do a speed round.
I can have no backstory.
Please listen.
If you have a backstory, I'm going to cut it off because I want to answer.
these four people's questions.
So Shelly, what's your question?
Straight off, what's your question?
How to scale up time with someone's family,
someone's kids that you're getting more serious with.
And if that's not a great question for here,
I can post it in the group to get more.
That's okay, are you in the book club though?
No, I'm not.
Okay, scaling up time.
First of all, it depends on how old the kids are.
It depends on the relationship
that the parent has with the children.
Okay, a lot of you guys are dating people
that have children,
but they don't have good relationships with their children.
They don't.
And that doesn't mean,
that's not necessarily a deal breaker.
There's parental alienation.
There's all different types of reasons
why kids are on the outs with their parents.
The kids are adults.
The kids have been poisoned.
The kids have just been estranged, whatever.
They didn't raise them
because there's parental alienation.
There's all kinds of reasons, okay?
So we're not gonna judge it black and white,
wrong or right,
but if they have a really good relationship
with their children
and the children are over the age of 10,
then I think you should meet them
within the time of becoming exclusive.
So after you're exclusive, you should meet them.
Yeah, so we, yeah.
In a very neutral environment,
like somewhere in public, neutral environment,
not something that feels too intense
or too formal or too scary.
If they're under 10,
then I think that you shouldn't meet them
unless you guys know that there's a future here.
Okay, yeah, she's 13
and I've actually been around her a few times,
but I've been following this
to just do it like not super frequently.
He's a widower, so he has her full time.
Oh, okay.
There's no-
Yeah, it's a different situation.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, so the last-
Do you feel like this is your guy?
It could be.
He thinks I'm his girl, I think so.
What do you think about this child so far?
How does she feel about you?
She's warming up to me.
So the first couple of times I was around her,
I was like, I'm not sure how I feel about this energy
because she just had some little sassier, more teen vibes.
Not to me, but just in general, but-
Well, she's menstruating probably and she's 13.
Exactly, she's, yeah, a lot going on.
So the last couple of times she's warming up to me.
She's creative, I'm creative.
So we have some common, a little bit of common ground.
So-
Yeah, I think that, okay,
so now that you've given me those details,
I think that you should pace your cadence with her
with how close you're getting to dad.
I don't think that you should get involved in her life.
She's lost her mother, her mother has passed.
That's very serious.
She's at a very formative time in her life.
Do not be part of her life
unless you really are falling in love with dad
and you're thinking you're going to be part of his life.
Okay, that's-
Okay, she doesn't need any more loss.
Yeah.
Cool?
That's great, thanks, Jackie.
Yeah.
So do a lot of things with him, find out if you love him,
find out if you have a future together
and then plan your time with her accordingly.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
I'm excited for you.
Blessings.
We'll keep on checking in on you.
Oh, Robin's here.
Shelly's still here.
Let me get Shelly.
Hi, Jackie.
Can I go now?
You can go now.
All right.
My question is about how to plan, pace, organize
a first meeting with someone.
I'm talking to him.
He's quite keen to come see me in the next few weekends.
He's five hours away, but I've never done that,
like the long distance thing.
He's probably going to come for about 24 to 36 hours
because he does have to get back
probably maybe for Father's Day.
Okay, well, here's what you're going to find out
really quickly.
He's willing to come to you five hours.
It's not a long way, but it's a long way.
And so when you guys get together,
is this the first time you're going to be meeting in person?
Yes.
Yeah, we've had two phone calls, but yeah.
I love it that after two phone calls,
he's willing to come see you in person.
That's a man who's motivated.
And long distance, you need a motivated man.
Ladies, listen, you need a motivated man for long distance
because long distance is hard.
Okay, you guys both have to be in it to win it,
but we really can't give a lot of advice
until we see what kind of energy
you guys have together in person.
So I don't think you should judge
whether or not you're willing to do long distance
or you're capable of doing long distance
until you get with him and you see how much
you like each other or not like each other.
I guess it wasn't clear my question.
I meant in terms of pacing it,
like if he comes in the evening
or should we do like a couple of dates and break it apart
or like more about how to like organize it,
like a general comment.
Where is he staying at?
Is he staying at a hotel, an Airbnb?
Where is he staying?
He said he'll probably get an Airbnb
because he's going to bring down his dog.
We have like many things in common.
We both have dogs, work in the same field.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, you guys, here's the thing.
Even when people come to visit you,
don't do marathon dates.
Okay.
Break it up, go home, take a nap, feed your dog,
you know, have a little downtime.
He's going to want some.
Downtime as well. You don't have to feel like you have to spend 12-14 hours straight with someone, right?
Okay. Yeah, so plan it. It's your city. He's coming to so I believe it's your responsibility to plan
He's coming to visit you
So plan some fun things for you guys to do some stuff to do with your dog and give some downtime give him some time
To regroup to think about it
even if it's just a couple hours in between going on a hike with the dogs till dinner a couple hours of
Downtime where he gets to go back to the Airbnb freshen up rest relax take a nap
And then you guys are gonna go to dinner. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, that's good. Thank you. All right. We're excited
Please keep us posted
Love it. Love it. Okay
You
Sorry guys, I'm all over the place
All right
Lynn I'm coming for you. Okay. All right, Lynn. Go ahead. What's your question? We have more after this?
really quickly
You helped me when I was at the 60-day marker with Terry and you you basically said it's a yes until it's a no
now we're at the 90-day marker and through my
Lots of stuff my Advisory Council agrees. It's a no. I'm struggling with how to tell him
because he's like all in and
What's the deal breaker? What happened? What's the deal breaker? Tell us the deal breaker real quick too much to tell he's basically
He's he needs hard healing and I'm just not gonna I can't fix them
You want something further along in their healing?
And you know, that's what you need to tell him. You need to say listen, you know, just be honest with him
Say listen, I care about you
But I've just done too much work and I've come too far and I just you know, I think you're a great man
I just think that
The the level of work that you've done, you know towards being in relationship is not gonna be compatible
I think that you know, I think that you need to you know, and I think you need to do some more work
And you know and if he here's the thing, you know
if someone gets prideful and arrogant you guys which they might because they might be really wounded and feel rejected and they might lash out and
If that happens, then you know kind of proves your point, right? And if it doesn't happen
Here's where you might get real messed up Lin is if he takes it with a grain of salt if he's real humble about it
He's like, yeah, I do need to do more work, you know, will you wait for me?
You know, what if I go do it?
You know, it's very it's very possible that he could take that
Low road humble road type of response and then you have to decide what you're gonna do if that happens. So that did happen
Something happened on Sunday. He apologized to me and that was his words to me
Can you I know that I need a lot of work I he even I even
Asked him to get be a part of the last year single and he did do that when you had the hundred dollars off
But he hasn't really even done anything with it. So you're but he was like don't give up on me
He's like don't give up on me Lin, you know
I want you to be able to walk walk me with me through it and not just be done with me
Okay. Yeah, don't be done with me
I want you to walk with me and I want you to hold my hand through but you said you're not
You're not willing to do that
He's now he's way too passive-aggressive like even less. He just says things under his breath like I just
Yeah, yeah, you don't need to be walking through a minefield
No, and I'm now it's to the point where I'm I don't even enjoy being with him
I just that that that's your answer. That's really all you need to know your nervous system is activated
You know, you're not at peace and you just need to let him know
Hey, you know, you're you're not a you're not a terrible man. Okay, but you're not the man for me and
And you need to be very specific
You know, you need to be very decisive
And because he's used to you like giving him another chance another chance another chance
So clean breaks if you heal the fastest you need to say hey
This is the end of this for us and you can point him towards our program
But make sure he knows that if he comes here, it's not to get back with you
Sound good. I'm sorry, babe, but guess what the one before the one is a real thing
Like Bethany said this was great practice
Yes, I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay, Bethany. She's a wise one
Okay. All right, and last but not least never least Kathy. What's your question?
All right, I'm on hi, hi, okay. Okay quick question. What's your question?
Okay quick question
I've just come recently back to Canada and I have more dating apps available. I'm on arc. I really like arc
But you mentioned we should
have two. So what other one do you recommend? I've been on a
harmony. And are you are you are you in the book club? No, I
don't know what the book club. Oh, what happened is I was in
your program for phase one and two. Then I took a break because
I had a court case in Panama that absorbed all my time. And
now that's over and I'm back in. Okay, you guys, she likes arc
said no one ever. So we're happy that she does. And it's amazing.
And you know, we have at least one success story from arc. So
just proves my point that when you're ready, and you've done
the work, you can meet someone anywhere. Okay, so she likes arc.
Can you see how old are you? Kathy? I'm really old. I'm
ancient. I'm 69. You're not ancient. Okay. So everyone who
is in her in her ballpark, so 60 and up, put in the comments
your favorite app for older singles. I have some I have
some, but I want you guys to be the village be the village right
now. And tell her where you have met some quality people. I love
Facebook dating. Kathy, if you know how to do it, it's one of
my favorites. It shows you friends of friends. And I think
it's a really great place to be a lot of people are putting up
Facebook dating.
Well, maybe in the US, it's better. I tried it from Panama
and and then I tried another one Ruth and Boaz.
And not Ruth and Boaz. There's a bunch of 80 year old 80 year old
men on there dating 40 year old women. Is that what we got with
Ruth and Boaz? Dear Jesus. Okay.
No, there was just mostly just, I'm not racist. My first
marriage was interracial. But I just for me, it's it's not a go.
I did the thing and we just have so much cultural things not in
common. So for me, it's just not
you guys have to be really careful with some of these hokey
Christian apps. A lot of them are really religious and a lot
of them are a lot of foreign people. Okay, especially things
that are called things like Ruth and Boaz. All right. So just
be careful with that kind of stuff. Okay, someone's
recommending upward. I haven't tried upwards a good one. That's
where my daughter met her husband. It is a Christian app.
I don't know if the if there are people in your age bracket
there. But you can check it out where she's in Panama, you guys.
So no, I'm not in Panama. Now. I'm in Canada now. So what
happened is I signed up. Yes, I signed up to arc and and then I
couldn't get on when I was in Panama wasn't available in
Panama. So now I've come to Canada. And I find there's lots
much much more Christian guys on art than there ever were on e
harmony.
Okay, so people are recommending for Canada all the Canadians
please weigh in Facebook dating and use arc obviously and
Facebook dating. Those are the ones. So maybe let's try
Facebook dating again.
Okay, somebody said hinge.
I guess hinge. I find hinge to be much younger, but okay, you
could try. You can always try. Listen, if you don't see
anything interesting there, you don't got to do it. Okay, guys,
we're going to talk a little bit about how much time you should
be spending on these dating apps and what your strategy should
be. You should never be on a stress. You should never be on a
dating app without a strategy. Okay, it's going to burn you out
really quickly. And I'm going to tell you why next week on
Thursday, who's going to come next week, who's going to be
here in person? Who is giving me there? Come on, put your
avatar hand up who's going to be back who's enjoyed this. Come
on flattery will get you everywhere. If you enjoy my
coaching if you want to hear from me more.
Can you explain a little more what you mean by strategy? Can
you explain a little more what you mean by strategy or is that
next Thursday?
Choosing your dating apps, you're choosing the ones that
you're going to have, you know, the most success with based on
demographics based on age based on G, you know, geography of
where you live. And then you're going to spend a specific amount
of time on them. And this is what you're going to do when
you're there. The criteria that you're going to use to swipe is
going to be the non negotiable list that we make. And you guys
are not going to run the scarcity script. So you're not
going to be worried about missing out. There's going to be
no FOMO. Okay? YOLO is not real. You only live once. No, you live
every day, you only die once. Okay, so there's not going to be
any FOMO. And you're going to make sure that you are swiping
on people based on your preset criteria that I'm going to give
you the template for, and nothing else, which means if
they don't fit that criteria, they're not going to magically
fit it later. And so we're not going to bother with them. We're
not going to waste any more time, especially if you're going
to be on the apps, no more wasted time on the apps. Okay.
In fact, some of these apps, there was one called our time,
and it should just be called waste of time. And so we don't
want that. And we're not going to do it anymore. All right,
Kathy, thank you for joining us. We're going to talk more about
so many things, guys, and it's going to be incredible next
week. I love you so much. I'm rooting for you. I'm in your
corner. And guess what? It's going to be your summer of love.
Father, I thank you for all of these singles. I thank you for
your single sons and daughters and for your love and your
goodness in their lives. We thank you for the plans and the
purposes that you have for them. And some of those plans
Purposes require a partner Lord and so we thank you for partnership and we thank you God that this is the season for them to go
forward especially those that
Have been doing the work and they have been you know looking to
Coaching and looking to
Taking a look in inventorying what they are doing and what they're not doing and all the things God
They've done their best and now you have to do the rest. And so Lord, we're thanking you for summers of love
We're thanking you for divine appointments. We're thanking you for community-based matchmaking and we're thanking you for
Marriages that are matched in heaven and kingdom alliances in Jesus name. Amen. All right friends. I'll see you soon. Bye. Bye