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Hey, everyone, welcome, welcome.

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Go ahead, I see you guys putting your city, state, country in the chat.

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Go ahead and do that.

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You might see someone who lives near you.

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If so, you know, find out who they are, reach out to them.

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What's better than, you know, going on an adventure to your love story is going with

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others on an adventure to your love story and to their love story.

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And so we love that.

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All right.

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So let me get my co-host situated over here.

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All right.

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All right.

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I'm going to do a little Q&A here at the beginning because I want to talk about the content,

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what you guys have been loving, what you guys what what has you stuck.

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We're going to talk about our non-negotiables versus preferences tonight.

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So I really want to make sure that we dig into that and give a lot of time for that.

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OK, so those of you that still don't have you have zero people for your advisory circle,

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go ahead and raise your hand.

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You have zero people.

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You don't have one person that you feel like they have a different sphere of influence

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than you, that you can confide in them about your love life.

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Raise your hand if you have zero people, not even one person on your advisory team, on

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your matchmaking team with you.

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My voice got softer.

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The volume turned down.

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OK, can you hear me now?

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Is it better now?

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It's not better.

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OK, how about now?

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No?

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OK.

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Some people are saying yes.

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Some people are saying no.

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Some people are saying they can hear me perfectly and other people are telling me no.

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Turn up your volume for those of you that are saying no because I don't want to be blasting

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out everybody else because I'm turned up pretty.

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I'm turned up pretty maxed over here.

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Hello, hello, testing.

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Oh, yeah, I'm all the way maxed.

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Already did and still very low volume.

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Well, I don't know what to tell you because my little volume meter is totally green all

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the way over.

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So everyone that can hear me, I just want a thumbs up.

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Nothing else in the chat.

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Just put a thumbs up if you can hear me.

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You can hear what I'm saying.

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I'm a pretty loud talker.

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So give me a thumbs up, everyone, everyone, everyone that can hear me.

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If you can hear me, give me a thumbs up so I can see.

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All right.

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All right, everybody.

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OK, so if you do not have even.

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Just hang on a second.

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There's a lot of tech stuff going on here.

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That's very distracting.

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OK.

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All right.

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If you don't have even one person that you can put on this team, this matchmaking team,

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this advisory team with you, I want to see your hand.

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Raise your hand.

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Marsha's having issues, Rhonda's having issues, not even one person.

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Esther's having trouble, Brenda's having trouble.

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OK.

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All right, ladies.

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We got to get you out and in community.

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You got to start making friends.

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OK.

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I said this last week.

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I'm going to say this again.

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I don't know if I said it in here last week, but I said it on a different coaching call.

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And that is this, that a lot of people are just waiting for the significant other, their

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spirit mate, their soul mate, their person.

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They're waiting for them to show up so that they're not alone in the earth.

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They're not alone.

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They're not lonely anymore.

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And I'm telling you, that is the wrong thinking.

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You have not been created to just be in relationship with one other person.

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You've not been created to be just in close relationship with one other person.

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Or maybe your family that you come from, and some of you are old enough to know better

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and your family's already gone to heaven, or they're really elderly.

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You've not been created to just have, you know, your cat and your husband or wife, your

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dog and your husband or wife.

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You got to have friends.

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You have to have friends.

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And this is one of the reasons, and please hear me, I'm not trying to offend you, but

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if it offends you, then you might need to really take a deeper look.

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I'm a firm believer that

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If something offends you, it's something you need to take a deeper look at.

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And I'm going to say it.

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I'm going to say it really plainly.

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You have to make friends.

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You have to have community.

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And if you don't have friends or community, it's probably one of the reasons why you're

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single.

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That was the offensive part.

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That was at the end there, that was the part that was meant to not be offensive, but it

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may offend someone like Jackie.

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You mean I have to have people in my life in order to get married?

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Yeah, you do.

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For a lot of different reasons.

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First of all, we have to bring back the village because this is how we meet our significant

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others.

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From the beginning of time, friends, this is the way it worked.

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So we need it for that reason, but we also need it for the reason of accountability and

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protection.

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Part of what I want you to get from this book club is letting down of your defenses, letting

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down your defenses, stop being so self-defended and start being God defended.

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The part of being God defended is having people in your corner, having people around you as

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a hedge around you that you can run things by.

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Not just who you're dating, but yes, who you're dating, but also whether you're going to quit

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your job and you're going to make this decision or go make that decision or whether you're

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going to move or whether you should buy this or that or do this or that, whatever it is.

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Having accountability in your life is important.

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Having wisdom around you is important.

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Having people that know you really well is important.

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Having 2am friends, these are people that you can call at 2am and as long as their ringer

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is on, they're going to answer the phone and if you have some kind of an emergency, they're

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going to come and be with you or help you.

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So put your hands down.

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We've got Marsha and Brenda and Karen, go ahead and put your hands down there.

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Okay.

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I want you to raise your hand if you have a 2am friend.

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Raise them up.

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You have a 2am friend and go, go ahead and put in the chat who that person is.

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Who's that person?

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Who's your 2am friend?

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Larissa only has her mom, so we got to expand Larissa's circle because mom's great, but

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you need more than mom in your life.

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Some people, your 2am friend is your family member and that's great, but you need more

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people than just your family, your brother, your sister, your cousin.

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We got to have more people in our lives than just our family members.

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One of the things that happened with industrialization, remember we went over this in week one about

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why everything has changed, why everything is different.

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One of the things that happened was that young people moved away from where they were

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from.

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Did you guys know that people didn't used to do that at all?

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People grew up in the same sphere that they were born into, the same 25 mile square radius.

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And I know that we're like, oh, that's such a small life and I don't want to stay where

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I was born and all that.

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Yeah, there's pros and cons of everything, but so many people moved far away from everybody

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that knows them.

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And now they're doing life and they're trying to build life with people that aren't part

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of their ancestry, aren't part of the generation.

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So I'm not even just talking about your family and your extended family.

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I'm talking about the people that your extended family grew up around.

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Is there anyone here that has lifelong friends that you grew up with and you still keep in

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contact with?

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And even maybe second or third generation friends, meaning that your parents were friends

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with their parents or your grandparents were friends with their grandparents.

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Does anyone have that going on?

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You were neighbors.

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Okay.

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There's a handful of you.

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So friends, this is what we lost.

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This is one of the things that we lost and I believe that we can bring it back.

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We can bring it back.

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Now it's going to take a couple of generations to rebuild it, but it can start with us.

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Do you guys want it to start with you?

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Where you can marry someone and you can build a family unit.

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You can build a ecosystem of people that your grandchildren and everyone grows up around

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and then so on and so forth.

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We can bring that back.

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My son, our oldest, just got married and we're a blended family.

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For those of you that know our story, we got married 20 years ago.

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The kids were little and now they're big and they're all married except for one.

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Well, they're all married, but this was.

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He's the last one to get married.

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And so he got married last weekend.

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He's been married for a week now.

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Praise the Lord.

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He's been on his honeymoon.

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But at that wedding, our family was very interesting.

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His wife is an only child.

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So her family was really small.

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And our side of the wedding,

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they had a lot of friends though.

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She's got a lot of friends

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and her parents have a lot of friends.

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But on our side, we had all the in-laws

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and all the out-laws and all the people.

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And we all have learned to do life together.

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You know, I'm not his bio mom.

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I'm his bonus mom.

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But me and his bio mom both danced with him at the wedding.

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Not together at the same time.

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Don't get weird, okay?

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But we went to the spa together.

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We went to the spa together with our in-law,

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with the bride's mother.

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We all three went to the spa together

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and we hung out with each other.

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And we exchanged little congratulations to each other.

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Like, hey, our son is getting married.

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In fact, they kept saying at the wedding,

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Jaron's gonna dance with both of his mothers.

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And I thought, people think we're a lesbian couple.

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I don't know that the people that don't know us

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must think that Jaron was raised by two lesbians

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because they kept saying his two moms.

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And I was like, okay, whatever.

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So I'm just saying, we have purposely,

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because you're gonna have to purposefully

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and purposely build that ecosystem, build that village.

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And we've made a decision to build that.

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And guess what?

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That is gonna ripple through the generations.

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That's gonna change our children's lives

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and their children's lives

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and their children's lives forever, isn't it?

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We've made that decision to do that.

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Okay, so I'm trying to stoke the fire of this

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because in order for this to work,

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because I know where we're going

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by the end of this book club,

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in order for this to work,

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in order for this to not just be a moment

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where you came to a book club,

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but it to be a movement in your life

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where you bring back your village,

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you're gonna have to buy into what I'm saying right now.

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You're gonna have to buy into the vision.

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And so I wanna see in the comments, if you want this,

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if this sounds amazing to you,

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if you would love to have a village of people around you

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and your future spouse and whatever children

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will either be produced by that marriage

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or already going to be grafted in

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because they're already part of that person's life

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or your life, who wants that?

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Who thinks that sounds not romantic, but real?

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Like, it's not just a romanticized idea.

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In fact, I made a video today on my Instagram,

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go check it out.

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I said, may all your de lulu come true lulu.

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Because I don't think it has to be de lulu.

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When people talk about your de lulu,

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a lot of times they're talking about something

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that's just too good to be true.

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But why can't it be too good to be true?

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We're talking about God here.

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It's like, God, I see what you've done for others.

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Do it for me.

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Anybody else?

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I mean, it's gonna happen for somebody.

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It happened for me.

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It's gonna happen for somebody.

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Why can't it be you?

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Honestly, why can't it be you?

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So I want you to really ask yourself

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that question right now.

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Close your eyes.

252
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And I want you to ask yourself the question,

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why can't it be me that's surrounded by love

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and extended community and a village

255
00:13:33.620 --> 00:13:37.620
and good friendships and romance?

256
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Why can't it be you?

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Close your eyes.

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Close your eyes.

259
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Okay.

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00:13:55.180 --> 00:13:57.180
And then put the answer in the chat of why not.

261
00:13:57.180 --> 00:13:58.180
Because something's coming up.

262
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There's some kind of objection.

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I'm too old.

264
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It's too late.

265
00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:02.540
I'm too isolated.

266
00:14:02.540 --> 00:14:04.020
I've made too many mistakes.

267
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I have too many kids.

268
00:14:04.860 --> 00:14:06.700
I'm too divorced.

269
00:14:06.700 --> 00:14:07.800
I'm too fat.

270
00:14:07.800 --> 00:14:08.640
I'm too skinny.

271
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I'm too short.

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00:14:09.460 --> 00:14:10.300
I'm tall.

273
00:14:10.300 --> 00:14:11.660
I'm too broke.

274
00:14:11.660 --> 00:14:12.780
It's just whatever.

275
00:14:12.780 --> 00:14:15.020
I don't wanna see it can't be me.

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We're gonna get your hopes up.

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But I wanna hear what the objection was that came up.

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Because we'll speak faith in life later.

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Right now, we gotta deal with the root.

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Gotta deal with the root causes

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00:14:29.260 --> 00:14:31.760
of why it's hard for us to keep our hopes up

282
00:14:31.760 --> 00:14:34.420
and why it's hard for us to look at that kind of stuff

283
00:14:34.420 --> 00:14:36.340
happening to others and ever really believe

284
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that that is going to happen to us.

285
00:14:41.860 --> 00:14:43.060
All right, this is what I wanna get to.

286
00:14:43.060 --> 00:14:45.540
And for all of you that were like, it can't happen to me,

287
00:14:45.540 --> 00:14:47.420
I love that and we'll get to that later

288
00:14:47.420 --> 00:14:48.840
because of course it can.

289
00:14:50.920 --> 00:14:52.340
This is really good right here.

290
00:14:52.340 --> 00:14:53.780
My health hasn't been great.

291
00:14:53.780 --> 00:14:55.140
I feel unworthy.

292
00:14:55.140 --> 00:14:57.120
My family history is a mess.

293
00:14:58.520 --> 00:15:00.140
I'm 77 years old.

294
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.980
It hasn't happened yet. That's why it can't happen to me because why hasn't it happened yet?

295
00:15:06.100 --> 00:15:09.620
It's been so long. I've been too busy. I am too busy

296
00:15:10.940 --> 00:15:12.940
I'm too stuck. I

297
00:15:13.700 --> 00:15:15.700
Haven't had a date in 17 years

298
00:15:17.980 --> 00:15:20.540
Shantay you're gonna have a date before the end of the month

299
00:15:22.060 --> 00:15:24.020
Before the end of May

300
00:15:24.020 --> 00:15:29.220
I'm sorry, June. What month are we in before the end of June? You're going to be on a date

301
00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:32.000
a

302
00:15:34.980 --> 00:15:41.780
Woman called into the radio station last night after only a year of marriage her husband left because her dad had words with her husband

303
00:15:42.060 --> 00:15:44.400
Well, he obviously wasn't married to her then was he?

304
00:15:45.820 --> 00:15:47.820
And you guys when we see things like that

305
00:15:47.900 --> 00:15:53.040
It really makes us feel afraid of even trying because we hear so many horror stories about

306
00:15:53.900 --> 00:15:58.580
Relationships and marriages and all that stuff and I really want to encourage you to

307
00:15:59.100 --> 00:16:03.300
Remember that just because that's happened to somebody else doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you

308
00:16:04.860 --> 00:16:07.900
But ladies I did another video yesterday and this is really important

309
00:16:07.900 --> 00:16:12.560
I know that we have men in here as well. So men I'm talking to you but kind of to the flip side

310
00:16:12.560 --> 00:16:14.600
I'm talking to men and women at the same time

311
00:16:15.420 --> 00:16:17.420
But kind of an opposite message

312
00:16:18.280 --> 00:16:19.960
The number one

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Predictor remember I'm a matchmaker. I've seen lots and lots and lots of matches

314
00:16:24.520 --> 00:16:27.760
We've had over 1,600 people get married through our movement

315
00:16:27.760 --> 00:16:33.780
I think it's closer to 2,000 people actually get married through our movement. We've lost count somewhere around 1,600

316
00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:40.120
but I get new engagement announcements every week and I just kind of stopped counting but I will say to you that

317
00:16:40.800 --> 00:16:45.960
the the biggest predictor in my opinion of future marital problems and

318
00:16:46.300 --> 00:16:49.460
About ten years, maybe maybe five ten years in

319
00:16:51.420 --> 00:16:58.280
Estrangement and possibly even divorce you want to know what the biggest predictor is and if you watch my video don't don't shout it out

320
00:16:58.280 --> 00:17:01.320
Okay, let people guess and then I'll let you go

321
00:17:01.420 --> 00:17:05.260
But go ahead and if you didn't watch my video because I say in my video what it is

322
00:17:05.500 --> 00:17:10.240
Put in the chat where you think the biggest predictor is of future marital

323
00:17:12.020 --> 00:17:14.020
Dissatisfaction

324
00:17:16.460 --> 00:17:18.460
Money

325
00:17:20.540 --> 00:17:27.800
Isolation no community selfishness. These are all really good finances misaligned values unrealistic expectations

326
00:17:30.180 --> 00:17:34.820
Incompatibility different goals values expectations misalignment accountability guys

327
00:17:34.820 --> 00:17:38.780
These are so so so good and that's why we're gonna talk about

328
00:17:39.300 --> 00:17:41.380
You know that 90-day framework

329
00:17:41.380 --> 00:17:43.560
We're gonna talk about that next week of you know

330
00:17:43.560 --> 00:17:48.800
What you should be talking about and what you should be doing and finding out about this person to make sure that you're truly compatible

331
00:17:48.800 --> 00:17:50.720
And aligned, okay

332
00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:58.880
But the the number one thing that's a predictor of future marital dissatisfaction and possibly even divorce is the woman

333
00:18:00.120 --> 00:18:02.960
overfunctioning during the dating season

334
00:18:05.160 --> 00:18:07.160
You better hear me

335
00:18:07.420 --> 00:18:09.420
The

336
00:18:09.820 --> 00:18:16.340
Woman over functioning during the day. She's like, what does that look like? That looks like you initiating you leading you planning you

337
00:18:17.660 --> 00:18:24.220
Carrying the whole thing on your back you bringing up the conversations you bringing up the defining of the relationship

338
00:18:24.220 --> 00:18:26.220
You you you you you?

339
00:18:31.900 --> 00:18:33.900
That is the number one

340
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:38.520
Because what will happen is is that will not stay in the dating season that will continue into the marriage

341
00:18:39.120 --> 00:18:45.940
Because you are training yourself and your future partner to expect this level

342
00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:48.480
of

343
00:18:48.480 --> 00:18:50.480
participation

344
00:18:50.580 --> 00:18:51.760
Accepting

345
00:18:51.760 --> 00:18:56.000
That level of participation, you know a lot of times we're out here saying oh, you know

346
00:18:56.000 --> 00:19:00.360
I don't want bare effort or bare minimum men will then why are you doing the most?

347
00:19:00.580 --> 00:19:03.780
Because that man might not even be a bare minimum man, but

348
00:19:05.100 --> 00:19:09.860
You know, you've been driving the bus for so long. He thinks you're the bus driver

349
00:19:13.540 --> 00:19:15.140
Do you get that

350
00:19:15.140 --> 00:19:21.620
And I'm just gonna tell you something while that might move things forward at the pace that you like during the dating season

351
00:19:21.620 --> 00:19:27.220
And that's probably why you're doing it because I know you think that you're just being helpful and you're just being you know

352
00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:30.440
You know all the things easy and and

353
00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:35.480
Organized and capable but really what you're doing is you're being controlling

354
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:38.400
Man, I didn't expect to read so much mail tonight

355
00:19:39.520 --> 00:19:45.440
But I guess this is where Holy Spirit's leading us. That is that all of that is control. You know that right?

356
00:19:46.360 --> 00:19:50.840
And I'm just gonna tell you you're not gonna like that five years in you're not gonna like that ten years in you won't be

357
00:19:50.840 --> 00:19:52.840
Burned out you're gonna feel unseen

358
00:19:52.840 --> 00:19:54.840
And it's gonna not be good

359
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.820
That's right, it's going to turn to resentment very, very, very quickly.

360
00:20:04.820 --> 00:20:09.460
So gentlemen, if you see a lady that you're starting to date, start doing this.

361
00:20:09.460 --> 00:20:12.760
This is where guys, this is the message that is for the men now.

362
00:20:12.760 --> 00:20:18.740
If you see a woman starting to do this, where she's, you know, pressing and pushing forward

363
00:20:18.740 --> 00:20:23.560
and she's planning everything and she's initiating and she's making your job really easy.

364
00:20:23.560 --> 00:20:29.560
It's up to you to stop that kindly, especially if you like her kindly, politely, but just

365
00:20:29.560 --> 00:20:33.600
let her know, Hey, listen, you know, why don't you relax?

366
00:20:33.600 --> 00:20:36.720
Why don't you just go with the flow a little bit?

367
00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:40.600
And ladies don't, they don't like this because in their minds are like, no, this is how I'm

368
00:20:40.600 --> 00:20:42.200
going to get into a situation ship.

369
00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:45.540
And this is how, you know, things are not going to go towards marriage.

370
00:20:45.540 --> 00:20:52.400
This is why you have conversations about intentions and expectations.

371
00:20:52.400 --> 00:20:56.120
But then ladies, it's a time for you to allow him to initiate.

372
00:20:56.200 --> 00:20:59.960
I have no problem with women dropping the hanky, letting a guy know you're interested.

373
00:20:59.960 --> 00:21:07.880
But after that, if the guy doesn't pick up the hanky, he's not interested enough to build

374
00:21:07.880 --> 00:21:11.840
a relationship on.

375
00:21:11.840 --> 00:21:15.100
I know people don't like to hear this, but the guy, especially at the beginning has to

376
00:21:15.100 --> 00:21:19.600
like you far more than you like him.

377
00:21:19.600 --> 00:21:21.900
I'm not talking toxic obsession.

378
00:21:21.900 --> 00:21:24.520
So don't send me an email.

379
00:21:24.520 --> 00:21:25.520
Okay.

380
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:29.440
I'm not talking about love bombers for all of you that have experienced that.

381
00:21:29.440 --> 00:21:36.560
I'm talking about if he wanted to, and he was healthy enough to, he would.

382
00:21:36.560 --> 00:21:39.840
You notice how I added that if he was healthy enough to, because there's a lot of people

383
00:21:39.840 --> 00:21:43.040
that want to, and they just simply can't and they don't.

384
00:21:43.040 --> 00:21:48.180
But if he wants to, and he's healthy enough to do it, he will do it.

385
00:21:48.180 --> 00:21:50.420
He will do it.

386
00:21:50.420 --> 00:21:53.960
These ladies are out here doing the most.

387
00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:56.520
Doing the most, planning it all.

388
00:21:56.520 --> 00:21:58.000
You even plan your own engagements.

389
00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:02.360
You pick out the rings, you tell him what cut and what carrot, and you go to the store

390
00:22:02.360 --> 00:22:05.400
and you're like, that one or not.

391
00:22:05.400 --> 00:22:08.400
Have we lost the plot?

392
00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:09.400
I know you got to wear it.

393
00:22:09.400 --> 00:22:11.080
I know you should like it.

394
00:22:11.080 --> 00:22:15.620
He can get some hints from some of your friends, but you don't got to go to the store.

395
00:22:15.620 --> 00:22:19.920
You don't got to control everything because here's the problem.

396
00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:26.800
Once you know that that man has seen the ring that you like with you, because you were there,

397
00:22:26.800 --> 00:22:29.600
you tried it on, he had your ring size.

398
00:22:29.600 --> 00:22:33.920
Once you know all that, you might've even seen him tap his card to pay for it.

399
00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:39.000
Now you're going to be controlling when this happens.

400
00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:44.080
You and your manicurist are going to be best buds because you are going to be getting a

401
00:22:44.080 --> 00:22:46.040
manicure every other week.

402
00:22:46.040 --> 00:22:47.640
You're going to be asking lots of questions.

403
00:22:47.640 --> 00:22:49.400
You're going to be getting antsy.

404
00:22:49.400 --> 00:22:54.200
You're going to be acting cuckoo, okay?

405
00:22:54.200 --> 00:22:55.200
Because why?

406
00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:56.600
Because you want it to happen already.

407
00:22:56.600 --> 00:22:58.480
It takes all the romance out of it.

408
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:04.560
It takes all the actual getting down on one knee thing should be a surprise.

409
00:23:04.560 --> 00:23:06.080
The engagement shouldn't be a surprise.

410
00:23:06.080 --> 00:23:10.040
You guys should have already discussed that, should have already decided when and how and

411
00:23:10.040 --> 00:23:16.120
where all the things, not where, but when and how, like as far as like our timeline

412
00:23:16.120 --> 00:23:22.120
of our relationship, when, when do we see ourselves making this promise to each other?

413
00:23:22.120 --> 00:23:25.240
All of that should have been discussed, but the actual details of what it looks like and

414
00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:29.480
where it's going to happen and when that's, that's not up to you and you're going to rob

415
00:23:29.480 --> 00:23:35.000
yourself of that and you're going to regret it later on.

416
00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:40.680
When you're in the middle of a marriage where you realize that every romantic thing has

417
00:23:40.680 --> 00:23:46.080
been initiated by you and controlled by you and you think your husband's not romantic

418
00:23:46.080 --> 00:23:54.280
when the truth is, is you've made no space for him to be that way.

419
00:23:54.280 --> 00:23:56.440
Because I just want to let you know something about men.

420
00:23:56.440 --> 00:24:01.040
They're going to do it wrong.

421
00:24:01.040 --> 00:24:03.800
There's a few men out there that are just really romantic.

422
00:24:03.800 --> 00:24:08.080
They've read some books, they've watched some movies, they're just, they're in tune with

423
00:24:08.080 --> 00:24:10.920
their feminine for whatever reason.

424
00:24:10.920 --> 00:24:13.920
And you know, they, they're aesthetically sensitive.

425
00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:18.120
There's some men out there like that, but the majority of men, no.

426
00:24:18.120 --> 00:24:22.080
The way that they're going to show you love is they're going to rotate your tires for

427
00:24:22.080 --> 00:24:24.080
you.

428
00:24:24.080 --> 00:24:25.480
Okay.

429
00:24:25.480 --> 00:24:27.960
Almost all of them, physical touch and acts of service.

430
00:24:27.960 --> 00:24:30.800
Those are their love languages.

431
00:24:30.800 --> 00:24:35.280
Occasionally throw in a word of affirmation, but mostly they're going to do something for

432
00:24:35.280 --> 00:24:36.280
you.

433
00:24:36.280 --> 00:24:37.880
They're going to fix something.

434
00:24:37.880 --> 00:24:39.920
They're going to take care of something.

435
00:24:39.920 --> 00:24:41.080
They're going to make a phone call.

436
00:24:41.080 --> 00:24:42.880
They're going to schedule the plumber.

437
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:44.760
They're going to rotate the tires.

438
00:24:44.760 --> 00:24:48.280
They're going to walk in the garage and say, your tires are bald.

439
00:24:48.280 --> 00:24:50.520
And that's them saying, I love you.

440
00:24:50.520 --> 00:24:53.280
I love you.

441
00:24:53.280 --> 00:24:56.840
You got some bald tires and I'm going to fix it.

442
00:24:56.840 --> 00:24:58.320
I'm going to get you some tread girl.

443
00:24:58.320 --> 00:24:59.760
It's going to be good.

444
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:09.000
Okay? And so, because you want them to do it the way you would do it, whatever the thing is, plan the date the way you would do it.

445
00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:19.000
Guys, you know how many people I have coached, women that I have coached, that were upset because they wanted him to plan the date?

446
00:25:19.000 --> 00:25:25.000
They wanted a man who plans dates. I don't know why, but they want the man that plans dates.

447
00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:28.000
And they weren't going to settle for any less than the man that plans dates.

448
00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:35.000
But then the man plans dates, and you don't like the dates. You don't like the dates that he planned.

449
00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:45.000
You don't like it. You wanted something different. That's why you plan it. I don't want you to plan it, but that's why you plan it.

450
00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:51.000
And ladies, early on, it's really important to allow this man to court you.

451
00:25:51.000 --> 00:25:59.000
I hate to use the word pursue, because it just is so weird in the Christian circles.

452
00:25:59.000 --> 00:26:05.000
Because it just takes on a whole life of its own. But you have to let the man be a man.

453
00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:13.000
You've got to let him, even if he does it in a clunky way, even if it's not the most romantic thing that you've ever seen in a movie.

454
00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:21.000
You've just got to let him do it. You've got to enjoy it. You've got to enjoy it.

455
00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:30.000
Why did you enjoy it? Because he planned it. And he tried. And that's why you've got to do it.

456
00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:36.000
So we just went down a whole big rabbit trail, but that's going to be important information for somebody real soon.

457
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:40.000
So you better go ahead and stick that in your back pocket if you're not in a relationship.

458
00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:43.000
And remember that over-functioning is literally the kiss of death.

459
00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:48.000
So some of you are going to have a hard time with that, because you are controlling.

460
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:53.000
And you haven't admitted that to yourself yet, but you're going to need to admit it to yourself.

461
00:26:53.000 --> 00:26:57.000
And it's really going to sabotage you.

462
00:26:57.000 --> 00:27:04.000
So we have to get to the root of why you feel like you've got to control everything.

463
00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:11.000
Because otherwise, you're setting yourself up for some hard stuff.

464
00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:19.000
So almost everyone has at least one person in their advisory circle.

465
00:27:19.000 --> 00:27:24.000
I'd like to see at least two to three. Two to three, so that we can do that six degrees of separation.

466
00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:29.000
That's the whole point. Two to three people. And so continue to pray about it.

467
00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:32.000
God might highlight someone to you that you're not even expecting.

468
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:35.000
You know that? Someone that you're not even expecting.

469
00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.000
I know that a lot of times we just kind of think of the usual suspects.

470
00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:44.000
But God can highlight someone to you that you don't even think about.

471
00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:50.000
But you know, and that knows you, but you wouldn't just think about them for this job, so to speak.

472
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:53.000
For this honor in your life.

473
00:27:53.000 --> 00:27:59.000
And guess what? God wants you to invite them into this circle of trust.

474
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:07.000
All right. So let's go ahead and take some questions about the homework, non-negotiables versus preferences.

475
00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:11.000
Can I see the hands of people that did their non-negotiables versus preferences?

476
00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:15.000
And what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to raise your hand.

477
00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:20.000
And listen, we can't take a lot of time on backstories.

478
00:28:21.000 --> 00:28:30.000
Okay. So what I'd like you to do if I call on you is I'd like you to tell us one item.

479
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:35.000
First of all, let's do this so that everyone can kind of get a chance.

480
00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:40.000
Go ahead and put an unusual item from your non-negotiable list.

481
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:45.000
Something that you think is kind of unusual and may just be, you know, something that's unique to you.

482
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.000
But you believe it's a non-negotiable. Let's put it in the chat.

483
00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:55.000
Ann says it was harder than she thought. That's good. I want it to be hard.

484
00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:08.000
You have to like their voice. He must smell good to me. Positive and affirming.

485
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:17.000
A musician. Okay. All right. Let's start here. Everyone put your hands down. Hands go down.

486
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:27.000
So no shame, no shade. I'm going to put some of these to the test.

487
00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:30.000
I told you we're going to pressure test some of these tonight.

488
00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:36.000
Tiffany says it's a non-negotiable that he has to be a musician.

489
00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:41.000
Raise your hand if you think that's a non-negotiable or a preference.

490
00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:48.000
Raise your hand if you believe that that is a true non-negotiable, that she can have that on her non-negotiable list.

491
00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:53.000
She can do whatever she wants. But is that a true non-negotiable? If you think yes, raise your hand.

492
00:29:57.000 --> 00:30:00.000
Okay. How many people think it's a preference? Let's see hands.

493
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:09.480
All right, Tiffany, baby, Tiffany from Seattle, unmute yourself, explain yourself, girlfriend.

494
00:30:09.480 --> 00:30:13.760
Hi, it's my, it's my life.

495
00:30:13.760 --> 00:30:16.440
It's a big part of who I am.

496
00:30:16.440 --> 00:30:23.400
And if, if they're not, they won't understand a lot of me.

497
00:30:23.400 --> 00:30:27.360
So, I appreciate your explanation.

498
00:30:27.360 --> 00:30:29.040
And can I tell you something?

499
00:30:29.080 --> 00:30:30.480
I know, I appreciate it.

500
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:33.800
Listen, I'm just here to pressure test this with you because I don't want it to, I don't

501
00:30:33.800 --> 00:30:36.440
want you to be stuck, okay?

502
00:30:36.440 --> 00:30:38.600
I am married to a musician.

503
00:30:38.600 --> 00:30:39.960
My husband plays the guitar.

504
00:30:39.960 --> 00:30:41.120
He plays the piano.

505
00:30:41.120 --> 00:30:45.980
He plays all three saxophones, alto, tenor, and soprano.

506
00:30:45.980 --> 00:30:47.920
He also can sing like an angel.

507
00:30:47.920 --> 00:30:52.280
Dude, led praise and worship for a mega church for 15 years.

508
00:30:52.280 --> 00:30:53.920
Guess who's not musical?

509
00:30:53.920 --> 00:30:54.920
Me.

510
00:30:54.920 --> 00:30:57.400
But guess who loves music?

511
00:30:57.400 --> 00:30:58.400
Also me.

512
00:30:58.800 --> 00:30:59.800
Now I can sing.

513
00:30:59.800 --> 00:31:02.280
I think everybody can sing, but I mean, I'm not tone deaf.

514
00:31:02.280 --> 00:31:05.640
I can sing and people say that my voice sounds good.

515
00:31:05.640 --> 00:31:10.000
And so, cool, but I'm not leading, like I'm not leading worship somewhere.

516
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:15.340
I have no desire to do that by the way, but, um, I'm just saying that I appreciate his

517
00:31:15.340 --> 00:31:16.340
music gift.

518
00:31:16.340 --> 00:31:18.040
I appreciate his love for music.

519
00:31:18.040 --> 00:31:19.860
My husband is never happier.

520
00:31:19.860 --> 00:31:26.400
He's like a bird with a French fry when he is just creating music.

521
00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:33.520
So is it a non-negotiable or is really the non-negotiable that someone has to love music

522
00:31:33.520 --> 00:31:38.520
even if they can't make it and they have to love it that you love it?

523
00:31:38.520 --> 00:31:53.440
A bit, but I mean, as long as they, as he can understand it and I have, so I have my

524
00:31:53.440 --> 00:31:54.880
master's degree in opera.

525
00:31:54.880 --> 00:32:00.000
I'm a professional harpist and I teach music at an elementary school.

526
00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.480
So it's such a big part of my life.

527
00:32:04.480 --> 00:32:08.680
And I have dated some guys that didn't understand it.

528
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:14.400
And there's like this, it's like a chasm or a gap.

529
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:22.760
Like when I share something and they don't understand it, if that makes sense.

530
00:32:22.760 --> 00:32:27.880
I mean, it does make sense, but also what are you sharing?

531
00:32:27.880 --> 00:32:29.480
Are you nerding out about the harp?

532
00:32:29.480 --> 00:32:31.640
Are you being a nerd, a harp nerd?

533
00:32:31.640 --> 00:32:36.480
So you need someone who wants to nerd out about music and, you know, talk about it all

534
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:37.480
the time.

535
00:32:37.480 --> 00:32:43.320
Like, do you have any other things that you love to do and think about and talk about?

536
00:32:43.320 --> 00:32:51.000
Um, some, because I'm just going to tell you, this sounds a lot like my son who just got

537
00:32:51.000 --> 00:32:52.000
married.

538
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:56.160
My son is very eclectic and eccentric about the things that he likes.

539
00:32:56.160 --> 00:33:00.120
And he likes things that, you know, are not very mainstream.

540
00:33:00.120 --> 00:33:09.800
And he was concerned that he would not find a girl who would understand, you know, his

541
00:33:09.800 --> 00:33:13.380
passion about the things he's passionate about.

542
00:33:13.380 --> 00:33:18.480
And he found a girl that while she doesn't share those passions, she's happy to hear

543
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:23.200
about them as long as he's happy to hear about her passions.

544
00:33:23.200 --> 00:33:28.760
My husband is interested in a lot of things that I have no interest in at all, but I also

545
00:33:28.760 --> 00:33:35.360
like to hear about what he's passionate about and see him light up when he talks about it.

546
00:33:35.360 --> 00:33:41.080
But anybody and everybody can over-talk about things that only they're interested in.

547
00:33:41.080 --> 00:33:47.000
And the beauty of relationship is making room for both people and what both people enjoy.

548
00:33:47.040 --> 00:33:47.560
Okay.

549
00:33:49.000 --> 00:33:54.480
So I don't know you and I don't hang out with you, so I can't tell.

550
00:33:54.680 --> 00:34:02.120
But if all you do is eat, sleep, drink the harp or teaching it or teaching music, you

551
00:34:02.120 --> 00:34:05.520
might want to diversify a little in the things that you enjoy.

552
00:34:08.920 --> 00:34:09.420
Okay.

553
00:34:10.520 --> 00:34:12.400
That's good advice, Tiffany.

554
00:34:13.120 --> 00:34:13.620
It is.

555
00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:22.239
Because even if you find a musician, they still may not share that level of passion.

556
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:27.600
You know, I actually know a lot of musicians, meaning people that play and different

557
00:34:27.600 --> 00:34:29.600
instruments, and they don't talk about them.

558
00:34:29.920 --> 00:34:31.239
They don't talk about that stuff.

559
00:34:31.280 --> 00:34:32.080
They just do it.

560
00:34:32.199 --> 00:34:33.199
They've always done it.

561
00:34:33.320 --> 00:34:35.800
They've been good at it and it came naturally to them.

562
00:34:36.040 --> 00:34:43.080
So what you're really talking about is someone who is a sapiosexual, intellectually

563
00:34:43.080 --> 00:34:49.320
interested in the language of music and all about music and about, you know, those

564
00:34:49.320 --> 00:34:49.920
things.

565
00:34:50.280 --> 00:34:52.280
And yes, are there people out there like that?

566
00:34:52.280 --> 00:34:52.679
Yes.

567
00:34:52.679 --> 00:34:55.679
But will you like other areas of them?

568
00:34:55.920 --> 00:34:57.840
Will you get along with them in other areas?

569
00:34:57.920 --> 00:34:58.520
Maybe not.

570
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.160
So finding someone who loves you for you,

571
00:35:02.160 --> 00:35:03.640
loves what you're passionate about

572
00:35:03.640 --> 00:35:06.560
and loves that you're passionate about it,

573
00:35:06.560 --> 00:35:10.480
but opens your life up to more interesting things

574
00:35:10.480 --> 00:35:14.200
than just that, I think would be a beautiful match for you.

575
00:35:14.200 --> 00:35:15.040
Okay.

576
00:35:15.040 --> 00:35:16.720
All right, let's go ahead and go on.

577
00:35:16.720 --> 00:35:17.600
You're welcome.

578
00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:21.080
Someone said something I thought,

579
00:35:21.080 --> 00:35:25.600
oh, Melissa said, I have to like their voice.

580
00:35:25.600 --> 00:35:27.400
I have to like their voice.

581
00:35:28.520 --> 00:35:29.480
It's an interesting one.

582
00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:30.640
That's a unique one.

583
00:35:30.640 --> 00:35:32.600
So I'm gonna let people vote.

584
00:35:32.600 --> 00:35:33.760
Is this a non-negotiable?

585
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:35.720
Raise your hand if you think it is.

586
00:35:36.600 --> 00:35:38.060
I gotta like their voice.

587
00:35:41.560 --> 00:35:43.140
Got some takers on this.

588
00:35:46.480 --> 00:35:47.760
Got a handful of takers.

589
00:35:48.640 --> 00:35:49.480
They're coming still.

590
00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:50.400
People are getting brave.

591
00:35:50.400 --> 00:35:51.760
They're like, should I, shouldn't I,

592
00:35:51.760 --> 00:35:53.400
should I, shouldn't I, should I?

593
00:35:54.560 --> 00:35:55.400
You should raise your hand

594
00:35:55.400 --> 00:35:56.640
if you think that's a non-negotiable.

595
00:35:56.640 --> 00:35:58.400
Maybe you have it on your list too.

596
00:35:59.480 --> 00:36:00.320
Okay.

597
00:36:06.440 --> 00:36:07.280
Okay.

598
00:36:07.280 --> 00:36:08.120
All right.

599
00:36:08.120 --> 00:36:10.040
We have 13 hands up and two thumbs up.

600
00:36:10.040 --> 00:36:10.860
So 15.

601
00:36:10.860 --> 00:36:13.000
Go ahead and put your hands down.

602
00:36:13.000 --> 00:36:15.680
I wanna see the hands of people that think it's a preference.

603
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:32.160
Fun times, friends.

604
00:36:32.160 --> 00:36:33.280
Okay, 43.

605
00:36:33.280 --> 00:36:34.440
All right, Melissa,

606
00:36:34.440 --> 00:36:37.640
tell us about your unique non-negotiable.

607
00:36:39.440 --> 00:36:40.280
Okay.

608
00:36:40.280 --> 00:36:43.080
Well, gosh, I'm not sure how to explain it

609
00:36:43.080 --> 00:36:44.640
other than how I said it,

610
00:36:44.640 --> 00:36:47.600
but sometimes you talk to someone on the phone

611
00:36:47.600 --> 00:36:50.160
and you're just like, the voice, right?

612
00:36:50.160 --> 00:36:51.280
It just doesn't,

613
00:36:53.080 --> 00:36:55.040
it doesn't have to be really deep

614
00:36:55.040 --> 00:36:58.040
or what other people consider anything special.

615
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:00.720
I just can't imagine someone talking to you

616
00:37:00.720 --> 00:37:04.640
the rest of your life that you don't like their voice.

617
00:37:05.520 --> 00:37:07.360
And I mean, I hear you

618
00:37:07.360 --> 00:37:08.640
and I hear what you're talking about

619
00:37:08.640 --> 00:37:10.800
and I hear where you're coming from,

620
00:37:10.800 --> 00:37:15.240
but I wanna caution you on crossing someone off the list

621
00:37:15.240 --> 00:37:16.240
over a phone call

622
00:37:16.240 --> 00:37:18.280
and what their voice sounds like on the phone,

623
00:37:18.280 --> 00:37:19.280
because there's a lot of things

624
00:37:19.280 --> 00:37:23.000
that you can become accustomed to and used to

625
00:37:23.000 --> 00:37:25.400
and even can become addicted to.

626
00:37:25.400 --> 00:37:29.400
Used to and even can become endearing.

627
00:37:29.400 --> 00:37:31.080
I know a guy, I just wanna say this.

628
00:37:31.080 --> 00:37:31.920
I know a guy.

629
00:37:31.920 --> 00:37:33.400
I agree with that.

630
00:37:33.400 --> 00:37:34.320
That's amazing.

631
00:37:34.320 --> 00:37:35.760
I know a guy that's amazing.

632
00:37:35.760 --> 00:37:38.760
He's really good looking, you guys.

633
00:37:38.760 --> 00:37:41.120
I mean, like above average good looking,

634
00:37:41.120 --> 00:37:45.400
over six feet tall, muscular, got a good head of hair,

635
00:37:45.400 --> 00:37:48.280
got pretty eyes, nice bone structure.

636
00:37:48.280 --> 00:37:49.720
He's also really successful.

637
00:37:49.720 --> 00:37:50.560
He has money.

638
00:37:50.560 --> 00:37:52.840
He's also athletic, all the things,

639
00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:55.400
but he has, wait for it,

640
00:37:56.280 --> 00:37:58.440
a little bit of an effeminate voice.

641
00:38:00.600 --> 00:38:03.760
In fact, the kind of effeminate sort of voice,

642
00:38:03.760 --> 00:38:04.880
it's not a bad voice.

643
00:38:04.880 --> 00:38:06.400
It's not high pitched.

644
00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:08.960
It's just, there's something about it

645
00:38:08.960 --> 00:38:10.600
that when you hear it,

646
00:38:10.600 --> 00:38:11.920
the very first thing you wonder

647
00:38:11.920 --> 00:38:14.680
if you're just meeting him is, is he gay?

648
00:38:15.640 --> 00:38:17.120
That's the very first thing that you think.

649
00:38:17.120 --> 00:38:17.960
And he's not.

650
00:38:17.960 --> 00:38:19.400
He's 100% not.

651
00:38:19.400 --> 00:38:22.560
The problem is, is that he was born with this voice.

652
00:38:23.560 --> 00:38:25.760
And once again, it's not high pitched,

653
00:38:25.760 --> 00:38:28.160
not a Pee Wee Herman voice, okay?

654
00:38:28.160 --> 00:38:32.560
But so many women, when they have met him in school

655
00:38:32.560 --> 00:38:36.100
and stuff, they've just assumed that he's gay

656
00:38:36.100 --> 00:38:39.720
because his voice has more of an effeminate tone to it

657
00:38:39.720 --> 00:38:42.120
than a deep masculine voice.

658
00:38:42.120 --> 00:38:42.960
And guess what?

659
00:38:42.960 --> 00:38:44.520
He's still single over this.

660
00:38:44.520 --> 00:38:46.240
He's still single over it.

661
00:38:46.240 --> 00:38:47.800
And it's terrible.

662
00:38:47.800 --> 00:38:50.160
It's horrible that we would get the ick

663
00:38:50.160 --> 00:38:51.640
over something so silly.

664
00:38:51.640 --> 00:38:53.400
And then I'm not pointing this at Melissa.

665
00:38:53.400 --> 00:38:56.080
This is just for everyone's benefit

666
00:38:56.080 --> 00:38:58.800
to understand that there are going to be things

667
00:38:58.800 --> 00:39:00.860
about your person that you,

668
00:39:02.260 --> 00:39:03.840
if you think about it long enough

669
00:39:04.720 --> 00:39:06.880
and you don't kind of let your heart be softened,

670
00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:10.720
if you're just like looking for some thing wrong

671
00:39:10.720 --> 00:39:13.720
with the person or something you don't like,

672
00:39:13.720 --> 00:39:15.140
you're gonna get the ick.

673
00:39:15.140 --> 00:39:17.520
You're gonna get the ick about something about somebody,

674
00:39:18.200 --> 00:39:19.040
for sure.

675
00:39:19.040 --> 00:39:22.200
And for me, the voice thing can really be an ick.

676
00:39:22.200 --> 00:39:24.520
It can turn into an ick situation

677
00:39:24.520 --> 00:39:26.440
where the person is amazing,

678
00:39:28.120 --> 00:39:31.520
but you've talked yourself out of it because of something.

679
00:39:31.520 --> 00:39:36.400
Okay, so we're not making Melissa take it off her list,

680
00:39:36.400 --> 00:39:39.880
but the rest of you, pay attention.

681
00:39:39.880 --> 00:39:41.960
So to me, it would really, like you said,

682
00:39:41.960 --> 00:39:44.480
be the type of thing where if they had a lot of,

683
00:39:44.480 --> 00:39:46.800
had the other things that I felt they needed,

684
00:39:46.840 --> 00:39:50.560
I would certainly give it like every opportunity, right?

685
00:39:50.560 --> 00:39:55.200
And go the extra mile to try to make,

686
00:39:55.200 --> 00:39:57.240
see if it's gonna grow on me.

687
00:39:57.240 --> 00:40:00.240
And I feel like I've done that with things in the past.

688
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.640
My part of the book, did you read my, did you read my question that you're supposed

689
00:40:03.640 --> 00:40:06.680
to apply to all your non-negotiables in the book?

690
00:40:06.680 --> 00:40:11.440
It literally, it says if they had everything else that you want on your non-negotiable

691
00:40:11.440 --> 00:40:16.640
list, but they just didn't have this thing, would you, would it still be a yes or a no?

692
00:40:16.640 --> 00:40:17.640
Okay.

693
00:40:17.640 --> 00:40:18.640
Yeah.

694
00:40:18.640 --> 00:40:19.640
I see what you're saying.

695
00:40:19.640 --> 00:40:20.640
Okay.

696
00:40:20.640 --> 00:40:21.640
No, I'm just listening.

697
00:40:21.640 --> 00:40:22.640
I'm just here to help.

698
00:40:22.640 --> 00:40:23.640
Yeah.

699
00:40:23.640 --> 00:40:24.640
I'm just here to help.

700
00:40:24.640 --> 00:40:25.640
Okay.

701
00:40:25.640 --> 00:40:34.120
So Joy, who I know because Joy is in my last year single program, she says, can't have

702
00:40:34.120 --> 00:40:35.840
a cat allergy.

703
00:40:35.840 --> 00:40:38.840
Oh, they can't have a cat cause you're allergic.

704
00:40:38.840 --> 00:40:39.840
Is that what you're saying?

705
00:40:39.840 --> 00:40:40.840
Joy?

706
00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:41.840
Are you allergic to cats?

707
00:40:41.840 --> 00:40:42.840
Yes.

708
00:40:42.840 --> 00:40:43.840
Yes.

709
00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:44.840
I'm super allergic to cats.

710
00:40:44.840 --> 00:40:45.840
Okay.

711
00:40:45.840 --> 00:40:46.840
Okay.

712
00:40:46.840 --> 00:40:47.840
You guys, that's a real non-negotiable.

713
00:40:47.840 --> 00:40:53.840
I mean, you're allergic to cats.

714
00:40:53.840 --> 00:40:55.160
You can't live with the cat.

715
00:40:55.160 --> 00:41:01.840
If they have a cat and they love you, they're going to have to give whiskers to someone

716
00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:04.120
else.

717
00:41:04.120 --> 00:41:10.040
I've seen people, I know that's kind of humorous, but I have at least, I have one couple from

718
00:41:10.040 --> 00:41:14.840
my community that got divorced last year over a cat.

719
00:41:14.840 --> 00:41:16.240
They got divorced, you guys.

720
00:41:16.240 --> 00:41:21.680
They got married and they got divorced over her cat.

721
00:41:21.680 --> 00:41:30.080
I'm just going to leave that there.

722
00:41:30.080 --> 00:41:36.080
All right.

723
00:41:36.080 --> 00:41:40.360
Okay.

724
00:41:40.360 --> 00:41:43.440
Someone said here, loves to dance with me and initiates fun.

725
00:41:43.440 --> 00:41:51.400
So, you know, wanting a specific type of personality or needing a certain type of personality,

726
00:41:51.400 --> 00:41:53.520
there isn't anything wrong with that.

727
00:41:53.520 --> 00:42:01.160
But hopefully if they don't know how to dance or they don't really love to dance, that wouldn't

728
00:42:01.160 --> 00:42:03.560
necessarily be a deal breaker.

729
00:42:03.560 --> 00:42:05.480
So let's talk about something like that.

730
00:42:05.480 --> 00:42:11.160
So whatever hobby it is, you put it in the blank, loves to golf, loves to travel, loves

731
00:42:11.240 --> 00:42:16.080
to dance, you know, right out the gate.

732
00:42:16.080 --> 00:42:18.360
Loves that.

733
00:42:18.360 --> 00:42:19.640
Loves it to the same level that you love.

734
00:42:19.640 --> 00:42:22.840
It just loves it.

735
00:42:22.840 --> 00:42:27.000
Put right now, raise your hand if you think that that's a deal breaker.

736
00:42:27.000 --> 00:42:35.800
If they don't love what you love as far as your hobbies.

737
00:42:35.800 --> 00:42:38.800
Is that a non-negotiable?

738
00:42:38.800 --> 00:42:40.380
Okay.

739
00:42:40.380 --> 00:42:41.380
No one's taken that.

740
00:42:41.380 --> 00:42:42.380
Okay.

741
00:42:42.380 --> 00:42:43.380
Everyone's saying that's a preference.

742
00:42:43.380 --> 00:42:45.060
But let me tell you what's not a preference.

743
00:42:45.060 --> 00:42:46.060
Listening.

744
00:42:46.060 --> 00:42:47.060
Listening.

745
00:42:47.060 --> 00:42:48.060
Okay.

746
00:42:48.060 --> 00:42:51.780
What's not a preference is loves to travel is a preference.

747
00:42:51.780 --> 00:42:53.460
Okay.

748
00:42:53.460 --> 00:43:03.620
But what's not a preference is doesn't, doesn't like to go anywhere.

749
00:43:03.620 --> 00:43:05.760
Is a homebody.

750
00:43:05.760 --> 00:43:07.400
Just wants to stay home.

751
00:43:07.400 --> 00:43:12.840
Doesn't like people, doesn't want to go places, doesn't want to see new things, not interested

752
00:43:12.840 --> 00:43:14.740
in any kind of adventure.

753
00:43:14.740 --> 00:43:17.520
That is a non-negotiable.

754
00:43:17.520 --> 00:43:21.600
You will never be happy if you're an adventurous personality that loves to travel and loves

755
00:43:21.600 --> 00:43:26.240
to see things and meet new people and experience new cultures and experience new things.

756
00:43:26.240 --> 00:43:29.360
You cannot marry a potato.

757
00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:30.680
Okay.

758
00:43:30.680 --> 00:43:32.520
You cannot marry a potato.

759
00:43:32.520 --> 00:43:35.800
You cannot marry someone who lives their life within a five mile square radius of their

760
00:43:35.800 --> 00:43:38.520
home, who likes it that way.

761
00:43:38.520 --> 00:43:41.120
They would, they would rather be at home than anywhere else.

762
00:43:41.120 --> 00:43:42.120
They love to go home.

763
00:43:42.120 --> 00:43:44.600
They have little home projects they're working on.

764
00:43:44.600 --> 00:43:46.720
They love to be out in their yard doing things.

765
00:43:46.720 --> 00:43:50.160
They love to be, you know, they have people over maybe to their house, but they don't

766
00:43:50.160 --> 00:43:52.160
really like to go anywhere.

767
00:43:52.160 --> 00:43:53.280
There are people like that.

768
00:43:53.280 --> 00:43:54.400
Some of you are like that.

769
00:43:54.400 --> 00:43:55.400
Raise your hand.

770
00:43:55.400 --> 00:43:57.320
Not if you're a potato, but raise your hand.

771
00:43:57.320 --> 00:44:00.560
If your happy place is home, you can't wait to get home.

772
00:44:00.560 --> 00:44:01.560
You'd love to be home.

773
00:44:01.560 --> 00:44:05.880
You want to find someone who wants to be home with you, wants to do home projects,

774
00:44:05.880 --> 00:44:10.840
wants to have people over and entertain at home, wants to work on the yard and plant

775
00:44:10.840 --> 00:44:12.600
a garden and do the things.

776
00:44:12.600 --> 00:44:13.600
Go ahead.

777
00:44:13.600 --> 00:44:14.600
Get your hands up.

778
00:44:14.600 --> 00:44:17.160
If you are a homebody, you like to be home.

779
00:44:17.160 --> 00:44:21.600
You want to, you know, your idea of date night is to cook a nice meal together and to watch

780
00:44:21.600 --> 00:44:27.640
a movie or go in the backyard and take a swim in your pool, you know, together or have some

781
00:44:27.640 --> 00:44:30.440
friends over, you know, you like that.

782
00:44:30.440 --> 00:44:32.400
You don't need to travel.

783
00:44:32.400 --> 00:44:35.720
You don't need to be flying somewhere every year.

784
00:44:35.720 --> 00:44:37.160
Okay.

785
00:44:37.160 --> 00:44:40.920
There's just like four of you that are admitting to being a homebody, which is interesting.

786
00:44:40.920 --> 00:44:41.920
Okay.

787
00:44:41.920 --> 00:44:42.920
Reggie.

788
00:44:42.920 --> 00:44:43.920
All right.

789
00:44:43.920 --> 00:44:49.880
Um, here's the thing about generous, Eva San Martin.

790
00:44:49.880 --> 00:44:53.800
It's hard to gauge that when you're first getting to know someone, it's hard to gauge

791
00:44:53.800 --> 00:44:55.520
whether or not they're generous.

792
00:44:55.520 --> 00:44:58.320
There's some things on here that I don't disagree.

793
00:44:58.320 --> 00:44:59.840
Like someone said, they can't be cheap.

794
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.240
Once again, it's kind of hard to gauge that.

795
00:45:02.240 --> 00:45:03.980
You can't just gauge that by whether or not

796
00:45:03.980 --> 00:45:06.140
they take you to an expensive place.

797
00:45:06.140 --> 00:45:07.940
You can't just gauge that about whether or not

798
00:45:07.940 --> 00:45:09.620
they offer to pay.

799
00:45:09.620 --> 00:45:13.500
You know, it's really difficult to gauge that right away.

800
00:45:13.500 --> 00:45:16.020
And also people go through seasons of time

801
00:45:16.020 --> 00:45:19.540
where maybe they're a little bit being more frugal

802
00:45:19.540 --> 00:45:22.300
because of whatever's going on in their personal life

803
00:45:22.300 --> 00:45:23.620
with their finances.

804
00:45:23.620 --> 00:45:27.440
And so just be careful with how you're judging these things.

805
00:45:27.440 --> 00:45:29.140
Does that make sense to everybody?

806
00:45:31.000 --> 00:45:31.840
Okay.

807
00:45:33.280 --> 00:45:37.200
Lauren says he has to have light in his eyes.

808
00:45:37.200 --> 00:45:38.600
This is a non-negotiable.

809
00:45:40.480 --> 00:45:43.260
That brother's gotta have light eyes, all right?

810
00:45:44.400 --> 00:45:47.400
And I'm assuming she doesn't mean blue over brown.

811
00:45:47.400 --> 00:45:49.920
So Lauren, please explain to us

812
00:45:49.920 --> 00:45:54.480
how we are going to gauge the light in his eyes.

813
00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:55.520
Yes, I will.

814
00:45:55.520 --> 00:45:59.160
It doesn't have anything to do with color at all.

815
00:45:59.160 --> 00:46:01.840
I think I have dated,

816
00:46:01.840 --> 00:46:05.160
and this is a completely subjective issue,

817
00:46:05.160 --> 00:46:08.880
a lot of men that I, it was dark in there.

818
00:46:08.880 --> 00:46:10.320
Do you know what I'm saying?

819
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:12.120
You could see it.

820
00:46:13.740 --> 00:46:16.520
It's more of a spiritual thing, I suppose.

821
00:46:16.520 --> 00:46:17.360
Okay.

822
00:46:17.360 --> 00:46:19.040
It's unusual, I know.

823
00:46:19.040 --> 00:46:19.880
It's not unusual.

824
00:46:19.880 --> 00:46:21.280
It is, it's kind of unusual,

825
00:46:21.280 --> 00:46:22.920
but this is what I want you to do.

826
00:46:22.920 --> 00:46:23.740
And I know Lauren,

827
00:46:23.740 --> 00:46:25.840
she's also part of my Last Year Single program.

828
00:46:25.840 --> 00:46:27.360
I want to say to you

829
00:46:27.400 --> 00:46:30.780
that I don't want you to judge this on your own, okay?

830
00:46:30.780 --> 00:46:32.820
Because you already said that I've known too many men

831
00:46:32.820 --> 00:46:34.200
where it's dark in there,

832
00:46:34.200 --> 00:46:35.640
there's no spiritual enlightenment,

833
00:46:35.640 --> 00:46:37.320
there's no light coming out.

834
00:46:37.320 --> 00:46:39.280
And I know that a lot of times, ladies,

835
00:46:39.280 --> 00:46:42.080
we pride ourselves on intuition,

836
00:46:42.080 --> 00:46:45.520
but sometimes intuition can just become suspicion.

837
00:46:45.520 --> 00:46:46.360
It really can.

838
00:46:46.360 --> 00:46:48.800
And so we need to let other people meet these people,

839
00:46:48.800 --> 00:46:50.640
especially if they have other things on our list,

840
00:46:50.640 --> 00:46:52.920
and see if there's any light in their eyes,

841
00:46:52.920 --> 00:46:55.000
because I will tell you

842
00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:57.880
that I personally have experienced

843
00:46:57.880 --> 00:47:01.120
someone who was dating someone

844
00:47:01.120 --> 00:47:03.440
and somebody else gave them feedback

845
00:47:03.440 --> 00:47:05.920
that they felt like, you know,

846
00:47:05.920 --> 00:47:07.460
when they were talking to them,

847
00:47:07.460 --> 00:47:09.920
that they saw some sort of demonic activity,

848
00:47:09.920 --> 00:47:12.960
or they saw, you know, some hiding,

849
00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:15.360
something, you know, something about them.

850
00:47:15.360 --> 00:47:16.200
And guess what?

851
00:47:16.200 --> 00:47:18.960
It turned out to be a thousand percent untrue.

852
00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:20.960
Those two people are happily married now,

853
00:47:20.960 --> 00:47:22.600
and he is one of the kindest

854
00:47:22.600 --> 00:47:25.000
and sweetest souls on the planet.

855
00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:27.480
So let's be careful.

856
00:47:27.480 --> 00:47:30.840
If you have something subjective like this,

857
00:47:30.840 --> 00:47:33.760
make sure that we take it into being objective,

858
00:47:33.760 --> 00:47:35.440
meaning it's subjective,

859
00:47:35.440 --> 00:47:38.000
meaning it's hard to gauge,

860
00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:40.920
hard to define,

861
00:47:40.920 --> 00:47:42.680
but let's make it objective

862
00:47:42.680 --> 00:47:44.760
with letting, you know,

863
00:47:44.760 --> 00:47:48.380
the criteria of their actions speak louder

864
00:47:48.380 --> 00:47:50.700
than whatever it is that we think we see.

865
00:47:50.700 --> 00:47:53.580
And this is for all of you that maybe this isn't yours,

866
00:47:53.580 --> 00:47:55.340
but you have other things.

867
00:47:55.340 --> 00:47:58.060
You have other ways that you're, you know,

868
00:47:58.060 --> 00:48:00.300
trying to see whether or not someone's spiritual,

869
00:48:00.300 --> 00:48:02.820
whether or not Holy Spirit is inside of them,

870
00:48:02.820 --> 00:48:06.700
whether or not they're kind or good or generous.

871
00:48:06.700 --> 00:48:07.900
We have to make sure

872
00:48:07.900 --> 00:48:11.800
that we don't let it be figurative and subjective.

873
00:48:11.800 --> 00:48:13.620
It needs to become objective and literal.

874
00:48:13.620 --> 00:48:15.020
And one of the ways that we do that

875
00:48:15.020 --> 00:48:17.860
is our relationship advisory circle.

876
00:48:17.860 --> 00:48:18.940
Let other people meet them.

877
00:48:18.940 --> 00:48:20.820
Let other people weigh in on what they're feeling

878
00:48:20.820 --> 00:48:22.140
about what they're seeing.

879
00:48:22.140 --> 00:48:24.460
Also, if they have other things

880
00:48:24.460 --> 00:48:27.060
on your list of non-negotiables,

881
00:48:27.060 --> 00:48:30.520
give them an opportunity to show you who they are

882
00:48:30.520 --> 00:48:33.700
instead of us just kind of going on our gut.

883
00:48:33.700 --> 00:48:34.740
Women especially,

884
00:48:34.740 --> 00:48:35.580
gentlemen, if you're here,

885
00:48:35.580 --> 00:48:36.740
you need to hear this about women.

886
00:48:36.740 --> 00:48:39.260
Women pride themselves on their intuition

887
00:48:39.260 --> 00:48:41.000
and women pride themselves

888
00:48:41.000 --> 00:48:44.340
on just like a knowing about people.

889
00:48:44.340 --> 00:48:45.740
A lot of women, you know,

890
00:48:45.740 --> 00:48:48.380
we just know whether or not, you know,

891
00:48:48.380 --> 00:48:52.900
someone is acting worthily during this time.

892
00:48:52.900 --> 00:48:54.320
I hate to say whether they're good or bad,

893
00:48:54.320 --> 00:48:56.060
but you know, whether they're doing good things

894
00:48:56.060 --> 00:48:58.700
or acting worthily in this season of their life or not,

895
00:48:58.700 --> 00:49:00.020
we pride ourselves on that.

896
00:49:00.020 --> 00:49:03.940
But ladies, I've been wrong before in my life

897
00:49:03.940 --> 00:49:07.300
because of something that I just wasn't healed from.

898
00:49:07.300 --> 00:49:11.660
And so I had a filter or, you know, a clouded lens,

899
00:49:11.660 --> 00:49:13.100
a blind spot there,

900
00:49:13.100 --> 00:49:16.660
and you can be wrong too about certain things

901
00:49:16.660 --> 00:49:19.580
because oftentimes we just find what we're looking for, okay?

902
00:49:19.580 --> 00:49:22.420
And so I really want all of you

903
00:49:22.420 --> 00:49:24.820
that have anything like what Lauren is saying,

904
00:49:24.820 --> 00:49:27.780
make sure that somebody else takes a pass at it

905
00:49:27.780 --> 00:49:29.840
and not just you, okay?

906
00:49:29.840 --> 00:49:31.380
Cool.

907
00:49:31.380 --> 00:49:34.640
Dan says financially responsible.

908
00:49:34.640 --> 00:49:37.140
That definitely should be a non-negotiable,

909
00:49:37.140 --> 00:49:39.500
but it's also something that's hard to gauge

910
00:49:39.500 --> 00:49:41.360
in early relationship.

911
00:49:41.400 --> 00:49:43.560
It's definitely hard to see whether or not,

912
00:49:44.800 --> 00:49:47.320
unless they just tell you that they have tons of debt

913
00:49:47.320 --> 00:49:48.680
and they filed for bankruptcy.

914
00:49:48.680 --> 00:49:50.740
If they tell you a bunch of stuff, then you know,

915
00:49:50.740 --> 00:49:53.520
but if they don't tell you, then it's hard to see.

916
00:49:53.520 --> 00:49:54.920
Okay.

917
00:49:54.920 --> 00:49:56.640
I'm trying to see if there's any more

918
00:49:56.640 --> 00:49:59.140
like really unique ones.

919
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.000
Wait.

920
00:50:01.000 --> 00:50:02.000
Here's one.

921
00:50:02.000 --> 00:50:05.000
Christina says, knows how to do carpentry.

922
00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:06.000
That's a non-negotiable.

923
00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:07.600
She wants a man that can build crap.

924
00:50:07.600 --> 00:50:08.600
Okay.

925
00:50:08.600 --> 00:50:13.800
She wants a man that can build it, fix it.

926
00:50:13.800 --> 00:50:14.800
Which is nice.

927
00:50:14.800 --> 00:50:17.720
It's definitely nice.

928
00:50:17.720 --> 00:50:18.920
I have a man like that.

929
00:50:18.920 --> 00:50:23.760
It's definitely nice.

930
00:50:23.760 --> 00:50:24.760
Non-negotiable or not.

931
00:50:24.760 --> 00:50:25.760
Is it a non-negotiable?

932
00:50:25.760 --> 00:50:26.760
Okay.

933
00:50:26.760 --> 00:50:32.440
If you think it's a non-negotiable that your man is handy, push your hand up.

934
00:50:32.440 --> 00:50:33.440
It's a non-negotiable.

935
00:50:33.440 --> 00:50:35.600
I don't want to be hiring people to do stuff.

936
00:50:35.600 --> 00:50:37.760
I need my husband to do it.

937
00:50:37.760 --> 00:50:39.720
I want him to build me a she shed.

938
00:50:39.720 --> 00:50:41.920
I want him to build our daughter a dollhouse.

939
00:50:41.920 --> 00:50:46.000
I want him to renovate things with me.

940
00:50:46.000 --> 00:50:47.160
I'm a house flipper.

941
00:50:47.160 --> 00:50:52.960
I want a house flip with him and I want him to be able to do, you know, the stuff.

942
00:50:52.960 --> 00:50:53.960
Okay.

943
00:50:53.960 --> 00:50:54.960
Leslie says non-negotiable.

944
00:50:54.960 --> 00:50:57.840
Leslie, why do you think that's a non-negotiable?

945
00:50:57.840 --> 00:51:01.200
Is that one of yours too?

946
00:51:01.200 --> 00:51:02.520
It is.

947
00:51:02.520 --> 00:51:04.080
It was my number 11.

948
00:51:04.080 --> 00:51:11.160
So in my defense, it was on the lower end of the list, but I think because I don't want

949
00:51:11.160 --> 00:51:13.760
to fix things myself and I don't want to pay for it.

950
00:51:13.760 --> 00:51:19.840
And I've had a man that is handy and it was just lovely.

951
00:51:19.840 --> 00:51:20.840
Is he passed?

952
00:51:20.840 --> 00:51:21.840
Nah.

953
00:51:21.920 --> 00:51:27.120
Well, he's, he's passed as an ex, but not passed like dead.

954
00:51:27.120 --> 00:51:30.120
She's like, he's dead to me.

955
00:51:30.120 --> 00:51:31.120
Okay.

956
00:51:31.120 --> 00:51:32.120
All right.

957
00:51:32.120 --> 00:51:33.120
Okay.

958
00:51:33.120 --> 00:51:35.720
Well, when you said you had one, it sounded like, you know, you lost one.

959
00:51:35.720 --> 00:51:36.720
So, okay.

960
00:51:36.720 --> 00:51:37.720
All right.

961
00:51:37.720 --> 00:51:38.720
So, all right.

962
00:51:38.720 --> 00:51:49.280
So Leslie and Christina, all right, Christina, tell us, Leslie's in your corner and everybody

963
00:51:49.280 --> 00:51:53.080
else thinks it's a preference.

964
00:51:53.080 --> 00:51:55.520
My dad is a very handyman.

965
00:51:55.520 --> 00:52:02.920
So I guess that's, yeah.

966
00:52:02.920 --> 00:52:03.920
And here's the thing.

967
00:52:03.920 --> 00:52:07.320
The thing is, is that it's not wrong to want that.

968
00:52:07.320 --> 00:52:13.280
And you might get that, but we can't put it on our non-negotiable list, right?

969
00:52:13.280 --> 00:52:17.000
Because maybe you marry someone who's really wealthy and can pay other people to do it.

970
00:52:17.000 --> 00:52:21.800
I know people who are handy that don't have time because they own their own businesses

971
00:52:21.800 --> 00:52:22.880
to be handy.

972
00:52:22.880 --> 00:52:27.760
So they just pay other people to fix the things and build the things and do the things because

973
00:52:27.760 --> 00:52:31.200
it's not worth their time to do it.

974
00:52:31.200 --> 00:52:36.640
And so it's definitely a preference and friends, just because you put it on your preference

975
00:52:36.640 --> 00:52:39.260
list doesn't mean you're not going to get it in a mate.

976
00:52:39.260 --> 00:52:43.520
It just means that at the end of the day, the things on your non-negotiable list are

977
00:52:43.520 --> 00:52:49.040
the things that you know that you have to have in order to be happy and have a long

978
00:52:49.040 --> 00:52:51.280
lasting marriage.

979
00:52:51.280 --> 00:52:54.080
Okay.

980
00:52:54.080 --> 00:53:01.360
So handiness is not one of those things and you already have a dad that is handy.

981
00:53:01.360 --> 00:53:05.600
So you can call your dad to come over and do it.

982
00:53:05.600 --> 00:53:07.800
I met a musician last week in our group.

983
00:53:07.800 --> 00:53:08.800
Okay.

984
00:53:08.800 --> 00:53:09.800
Yes.

985
00:53:09.800 --> 00:53:10.800
Yes.

986
00:53:10.800 --> 00:53:11.800
Sounds good.

987
00:53:11.800 --> 00:53:12.800
All right.

988
00:53:13.080 --> 00:53:14.080
All right.

989
00:53:14.080 --> 00:53:19.600
Did someone, was someone afraid because I'm such a direct coach and you're scared of me.

990
00:53:19.600 --> 00:53:23.120
Someone afraid to put theirs up and now you want to unmute yourself and tell us what it

991
00:53:23.120 --> 00:53:24.120
is.

992
00:53:24.120 --> 00:53:26.440
Look, I'm being nice.

993
00:53:26.440 --> 00:53:27.600
I'm a nice coach.

994
00:53:27.600 --> 00:53:31.640
I just don't want you, I want you to have a summer of love and I don't want you to get

995
00:53:31.640 --> 00:53:32.640
in your own way.

996
00:53:32.640 --> 00:53:34.840
I just want you to get out of your own way.

997
00:53:34.840 --> 00:53:35.840
Okay.

998
00:53:35.840 --> 00:53:36.840
Okay.

999
00:53:36.840 --> 00:53:44.960
Jenny and James, did you guys read this story about Jenny and James in my book?

1000
00:53:44.960 --> 00:53:46.000
These are real people.

1001
00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:49.480
Their names not Jenny and not James, but they are real people.

1002
00:53:49.480 --> 00:53:50.480
Okay.

1003
00:53:50.480 --> 00:53:55.040
So we have a woman, Jenny, she's been dating for years and years.

1004
00:53:55.040 --> 00:53:57.120
You guys with no success.

1005
00:53:57.120 --> 00:54:04.120
She had a list a mile long, two pages, single spaced front and back.

1006
00:54:04.120 --> 00:54:10.160
It included particulars and it included things that she wasn't willing to compromise on.

1007
00:54:10.160 --> 00:54:15.400
And here's the thing that I know, gentlemen and ladies, the older we get, the more is,

1008
00:54:15.400 --> 00:54:17.720
we don't even become more willing to compromise.

1009
00:54:17.720 --> 00:54:21.580
We become less willing to compromise.

1010
00:54:21.580 --> 00:54:23.760
That's what happens.

1011
00:54:23.760 --> 00:54:31.300
And so she had been on over 200 dates, you guys, and she was still single.

1012
00:54:31.300 --> 00:54:37.540
And then there was James also not his real name, 44 divorced, two kids did the work

1013
00:54:37.540 --> 00:54:39.940
ready to find love again.

1014
00:54:39.940 --> 00:54:45.300
His main requirements were that the woman shared his faith and that she was open to

1015
00:54:45.300 --> 00:54:51.180
a blended family, that her heart was open to helping raise kids that were not her own.

1016
00:54:51.180 --> 00:54:55.320
Those were the two main non-negotiables that he had.

1017
00:54:55.320 --> 00:54:58.780
Everything else he said was he was open.

1018
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.080
put in a negotiation.

1019
00:55:02.080 --> 00:55:04.300
He went on his third introduction

1020
00:55:05.960 --> 00:55:07.760
and was engaged 11 months later.

1021
00:55:09.160 --> 00:55:11.220
Now some of you are like, oh, James settled.

1022
00:55:11.220 --> 00:55:12.060
No, he didn't.

1023
00:55:14.480 --> 00:55:16.000
He didn't settle.

1024
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:18.140
He's happily, happily married.

1025
00:55:21.200 --> 00:55:22.360
Actually, I didn't put this,

1026
00:55:22.360 --> 00:55:24.200
but he did have one more requirement

1027
00:55:24.200 --> 00:55:29.200
and that was that the woman was like gentle and feminine.

1028
00:55:29.520 --> 00:55:33.000
Like she had a gentle heart, okay?

1029
00:55:33.000 --> 00:55:35.260
Married, happily married.

1030
00:55:37.120 --> 00:55:38.880
Because you know what, as a matchmaker,

1031
00:55:38.880 --> 00:55:40.900
and because all you are gonna play matchmaker

1032
00:55:40.900 --> 00:55:42.720
by the end of this book club,

1033
00:55:42.720 --> 00:55:46.420
it's really a lot easier to introduce people

1034
00:55:46.420 --> 00:55:49.720
when they have really specific

1035
00:55:51.060 --> 00:55:53.780
and small lists of non-negotiables.

1036
00:55:53.780 --> 00:55:58.780
It's so much easier when you know that they're really open

1037
00:55:58.920 --> 00:56:00.380
in a lot of areas.

1038
00:56:00.380 --> 00:56:01.940
They're really open in a lot of areas.

1039
00:56:01.940 --> 00:56:04.380
Like for instance, if you're a blended parent

1040
00:56:04.380 --> 00:56:06.760
and you're co-parenting with your ex,

1041
00:56:06.760 --> 00:56:08.360
you can't move, right?

1042
00:56:08.360 --> 00:56:11.140
You can't move from the geographic area that you live.

1043
00:56:11.140 --> 00:56:12.420
That's a non-negotiable.

1044
00:56:14.940 --> 00:56:17.720
And so immediately, whoever's playing matchmaker with you,

1045
00:56:17.720 --> 00:56:19.900
whoever's in your advisory circle immediately knows,

1046
00:56:19.900 --> 00:56:23.260
hey, unless this other person is willing to relocate

1047
00:56:23.260 --> 00:56:25.600
to them or lives locally

1048
00:56:25.600 --> 00:56:28.220
and is also willing to continue to live locally

1049
00:56:28.620 --> 00:56:30.900
until these kids are grown, that's another thing.

1050
00:56:30.900 --> 00:56:32.340
It's not just they live locally now.

1051
00:56:32.340 --> 00:56:35.380
They have to be willing to stay in that local area

1052
00:56:35.380 --> 00:56:36.820
until the kids are grown.

1053
00:56:37.980 --> 00:56:39.820
That means there isn't any getting up on a whim

1054
00:56:39.820 --> 00:56:42.180
and moving to California or moving to Hawaii

1055
00:56:42.180 --> 00:56:43.500
or moving to Singapore.

1056
00:56:43.500 --> 00:56:46.000
It's you gotta stay here until the kids are grown.

1057
00:56:47.460 --> 00:56:49.700
And you know that that is the criteria,

1058
00:56:49.700 --> 00:56:52.060
then you're able to really make matches

1059
00:56:52.060 --> 00:56:53.620
a lot easier, aren't ya?

1060
00:56:53.620 --> 00:56:55.980
And that's why it was much easier to match James

1061
00:56:55.980 --> 00:56:57.420
than it was to match Jenny.

1062
00:56:57.420 --> 00:56:59.120
Jenny is still single, by the way.

1063
00:57:01.820 --> 00:57:03.120
Still single.

1064
00:57:03.980 --> 00:57:06.180
Now she's probably been on 300 dates.

1065
00:57:07.140 --> 00:57:08.700
I'm not saying that to scare you.

1066
00:57:08.700 --> 00:57:12.140
I'm just saying, if you have two-page lists,

1067
00:57:12.140 --> 00:57:14.020
even if it's just in your heart,

1068
00:57:14.020 --> 00:57:17.500
full of preferences that are masquerading as standards

1069
00:57:17.500 --> 00:57:20.580
or non-negotiables, you're probably gonna stay single.

1070
00:57:21.860 --> 00:57:24.380
And you don't really probably believe this

1071
00:57:24.380 --> 00:57:26.500
or understand this, but you're doing that

1072
00:57:26.500 --> 00:57:29.100
to keep yourself single, because in your mind,

1073
00:57:29.100 --> 00:57:30.380
single means safe.

1074
00:57:33.140 --> 00:57:35.900
Because that's definitely what Jenny's doing.

1075
00:57:35.900 --> 00:57:38.420
Not her name, but that's definitely what she's doing.

1076
00:57:38.420 --> 00:57:39.260
Okay.

1077
00:57:40.100 --> 00:57:41.600
All right.

1078
00:57:41.600 --> 00:57:45.060
So I ask you in the book, in the questions

1079
00:57:45.060 --> 00:57:47.860
at the end of the chapter, which person,

1080
00:57:47.860 --> 00:57:50.580
and be honest, you guys, because it only helps.

1081
00:57:50.580 --> 00:57:52.420
This only helps you if you're honest.

1082
00:57:52.420 --> 00:57:55.780
Which person do you see yourself in more?

1083
00:57:55.780 --> 00:57:57.860
You don't have to be exactly like either one of them,

1084
00:57:57.860 --> 00:57:59.700
but are you more like James or Jenny?

1085
00:57:59.700 --> 00:58:01.300
Go ahead and put it in the chat.

1086
00:58:05.540 --> 00:58:07.160
Be honest.

1087
00:58:07.160 --> 00:58:11.660
If you're really picky and you're really worried

1088
00:58:11.660 --> 00:58:14.380
about settling and you just want what you want,

1089
00:58:14.380 --> 00:58:16.940
then you better put Jenny up there.

1090
00:58:17.940 --> 00:58:19.140
I see some Jennys.

1091
00:58:21.020 --> 00:58:22.420
I see some Jameses.

1092
00:58:26.740 --> 00:58:29.100
People are like, I'm closer to James now,

1093
00:58:29.100 --> 00:58:30.700
because I saw you say that, Lacey,

1094
00:58:30.700 --> 00:58:32.500
and Lacey's part of last year's single.

1095
00:58:32.500 --> 00:58:33.740
I'm just going to tell you right now,

1096
00:58:33.740 --> 00:58:35.100
if you come into last year's single,

1097
00:58:35.100 --> 00:58:37.020
we're going to beat the Jenny out of you.

1098
00:58:37.020 --> 00:58:37.860
Okay.

1099
00:58:39.660 --> 00:58:41.140
I love you.

1100
00:58:41.140 --> 00:58:44.580
We're going to make sure that you let go of everything

1101
00:58:44.580 --> 00:58:47.340
that is a heart wound, a trigger,

1102
00:58:47.340 --> 00:58:49.480
that's going to keep you single, all the blind spots,

1103
00:58:49.480 --> 00:58:51.400
all the filters getting cleared out,

1104
00:58:52.500 --> 00:58:54.660
because it's not about settling.

1105
00:58:54.660 --> 00:58:56.620
I don't want you to marry a man, ladies,

1106
00:58:56.620 --> 00:58:58.500
that's just mildly interested in you,

1107
00:58:58.500 --> 00:58:59.580
that you're going to be miserable with

1108
00:58:59.580 --> 00:59:00.580
for the rest of your life.

1109
00:59:00.580 --> 00:59:01.820
That's not a win.

1110
00:59:01.820 --> 00:59:04.180
And gentlemen, I don't want you to marry a woman

1111
00:59:04.180 --> 00:59:07.420
who is going to brow beat you

1112
00:59:07.420 --> 00:59:10.060
and cause you to be miserable

1113
00:59:10.060 --> 00:59:12.700
and want to stay at work all day

1114
00:59:12.700 --> 00:59:14.780
because you don't want to go home.

1115
00:59:14.780 --> 00:59:15.620
No.

1116
00:59:21.540 --> 00:59:23.260
Yeah, lots of my students in here saying,

1117
00:59:23.260 --> 00:59:25.180
I used to be Jenny, but now I'm James.

1118
00:59:25.180 --> 00:59:26.880
Oh, you guys, I'm so proud of you.

1119
00:59:29.220 --> 00:59:30.060
Dan.

1120
00:59:32.740 --> 00:59:34.700
And if your name is Jenny, I apologize,

1121
00:59:34.700 --> 00:59:37.100
but we used your name as a verb.

1122
00:59:37.100 --> 00:59:37.940
Okay.

1123
00:59:37.940 --> 00:59:39.620
We're going to beat the Jenny out of you.

1124
00:59:39.620 --> 00:59:43.480
And, and remember that's not her real name anyway.

1125
00:59:43.480 --> 00:59:44.700
Okay.

1126
00:59:44.700 --> 00:59:45.680
Great.

1127
00:59:45.680 --> 00:59:46.520
Okay.

1128
00:59:46.520 --> 00:59:50.100
So we want to start in this whole chapter

1129
00:59:50.100 --> 00:59:51.140
and I hope you guys loved it.

1130
00:59:51.140 --> 00:59:51.980
Did you guys love it?

1131
00:59:51.980 --> 00:59:52.800
Give me some feedback.

1132
00:59:53.320 --> 00:59:54.480
If you love what you've read so far,

1133
00:59:54.480 --> 00:59:57.140
this whole chapter is about how to stop dating

1134
00:59:57.140 --> 00:59:59.840
like a disgruntled dater, which is what Jenny is like.

1135
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:01.820
always complaining, there's no good men,

1136
01:00:01.820 --> 01:00:03.660
there's no men that meet her criteria,

1137
01:00:03.660 --> 01:00:04.640
blah, blah, blah, blah,

1138
01:00:04.640 --> 01:00:06.700
and start dating like a matchmaker.

1139
01:00:06.700 --> 01:00:08.100
James knew what he wanted,

1140
01:00:08.100 --> 01:00:09.540
he knew what he was looking for,

1141
01:00:09.540 --> 01:00:11.060
he knew that everything else

1142
01:00:11.060 --> 01:00:13.020
was kind of fluid and negotiable,

1143
01:00:13.020 --> 01:00:14.560
and he's happily married now.

1144
01:00:16.200 --> 01:00:20.040
And his wife is making an amazing blended mom.

1145
01:00:22.180 --> 01:00:23.620
Amazing blended mom.

1146
01:00:30.860 --> 01:00:32.260
Oh my gosh, okay.

1147
01:00:32.260 --> 01:00:33.620
Everyone's loving it, loving it.

1148
01:00:33.620 --> 01:00:34.860
It's so practical, you guys,

1149
01:00:34.860 --> 01:00:37.260
and I'm not very much a practical person,

1150
01:00:37.260 --> 01:00:38.860
so it was really difficult for me

1151
01:00:38.860 --> 01:00:40.340
to stay practical in this book,

1152
01:00:40.340 --> 01:00:41.620
but I just wanted to,

1153
01:00:41.620 --> 01:00:43.500
just the facts, please, just the facts.

1154
01:00:43.500 --> 01:00:46.500
Okay, all right.

1155
01:00:46.500 --> 01:00:49.220
Did you guys really resonate with the analogy

1156
01:00:49.220 --> 01:00:51.580
about how it's so important

1157
01:00:51.580 --> 01:00:53.780
to know what you're looking for,

1158
01:00:53.780 --> 01:00:56.020
and the analogy about the shopper?

1159
01:00:56.020 --> 01:00:58.560
Have any of you experienced going into a store

1160
01:00:58.560 --> 01:01:01.060
and you're not really looking for anything in particular,

1161
01:01:01.060 --> 01:01:05.260
and some salesperson tries to sell you something?

1162
01:01:07.240 --> 01:01:08.740
You're just kind of browsing,

1163
01:01:08.740 --> 01:01:13.280
you're just like laxadaisically walking around.

1164
01:01:15.220 --> 01:01:16.500
God forbid,

1165
01:01:18.900 --> 01:01:21.140
there's some stores that I won't even walk into

1166
01:01:21.140 --> 01:01:23.580
unless I'm serious about buying whatever that is,

1167
01:01:23.580 --> 01:01:26.380
because I know that they're gonna try to sell me so hard

1168
01:01:26.380 --> 01:01:27.940
and they're not gonna let me leave the store

1169
01:01:28.280 --> 01:01:31.640
until I buy something, right?

1170
01:01:31.640 --> 01:01:34.360
You guys know what I'm talking about?

1171
01:01:34.360 --> 01:01:36.080
You're like, don't go in that store

1172
01:01:36.080 --> 01:01:38.320
unless you're really in the market.

1173
01:01:40.520 --> 01:01:41.760
And you guys, this is why I have you

1174
01:01:41.760 --> 01:01:44.880
on a dating app sabbatical or pause.

1175
01:01:44.880 --> 01:01:47.240
I don't want you to get back on the dating apps

1176
01:01:47.240 --> 01:01:48.680
unless you're really in the market

1177
01:01:48.680 --> 01:01:50.560
and you know exactly what you're looking for,

1178
01:01:50.560 --> 01:01:53.360
because otherwise someone's gonna try to sell you

1179
01:01:53.380 --> 01:01:58.160
or someone else who really is maybe good

1180
01:01:58.160 --> 01:01:59.300
is just gonna dismiss you

1181
01:01:59.300 --> 01:02:01.400
because they know that you're not serious.

1182
01:02:02.340 --> 01:02:05.620
They know that you don't really know what you want.

1183
01:02:05.620 --> 01:02:06.740
And you know the biggest turnoff

1184
01:02:06.740 --> 01:02:09.140
for a marriage-minded man or woman

1185
01:02:09.140 --> 01:02:11.620
is connecting with someone who's not really sure

1186
01:02:11.620 --> 01:02:13.820
what they're looking for yet or what they want.

1187
01:02:13.820 --> 01:02:17.500
Come on, that's a turnoff.

1188
01:02:17.500 --> 01:02:20.660
If I'm working on commission, okay,

1189
01:02:20.660 --> 01:02:22.360
and you come into my store

1190
01:02:22.360 --> 01:02:24.660
and I can tell that you're just window shopping,

1191
01:02:24.660 --> 01:02:25.920
thank you, next.

1192
01:02:27.940 --> 01:02:30.940
I'm gonna go deal with someone who's a buyer, not a shopper.

1193
01:02:32.340 --> 01:02:33.180
Right?

1194
01:02:39.020 --> 01:02:41.020
You guys can't hear me?

1195
01:02:41.020 --> 01:02:43.020
We're just seeing the whiteboard.

1196
01:02:43.020 --> 01:02:43.860
Yeah, we lost you.

1197
01:02:43.860 --> 01:02:46.740
Somebody's sharing their screen in a whiteboard.

1198
01:02:48.260 --> 01:02:49.100
What?

1199
01:02:50.660 --> 01:02:51.500
I took it down.

1200
01:02:53.140 --> 01:02:54.060
Thank you, Cheryl.

1201
01:02:55.740 --> 01:02:57.120
Okay, you see me?

1202
01:03:00.180 --> 01:03:02.140
Yes, we can see you.

1203
01:03:02.140 --> 01:03:03.500
Okay, all right.

1204
01:03:03.500 --> 01:03:05.460
So you know what I'm saying?

1205
01:03:05.460 --> 01:03:08.420
Someone who's out here who is seriously looking

1206
01:03:08.420 --> 01:03:12.460
for a serious, committed, marriage-minded relationship,

1207
01:03:13.580 --> 01:03:14.540
if they've done the work,

1208
01:03:14.540 --> 01:03:17.440
they're not gonna waste time on someone who's not serious.

1209
01:03:19.180 --> 01:03:20.160
They're not.

1210
01:03:20.160 --> 01:03:22.900
And they're also not gonna let someone sell them something

1211
01:03:22.900 --> 01:03:24.080
that they don't want.

1212
01:03:25.580 --> 01:03:26.980
Don't you love this analogy?

1213
01:03:26.980 --> 01:03:28.540
Holy Spirit gave me that analogy.

1214
01:03:28.540 --> 01:03:29.380
You love it?

1215
01:03:29.380 --> 01:03:30.540
I love it.

1216
01:03:30.540 --> 01:03:32.480
I feel like it makes it crystal clear.

1217
01:03:34.260 --> 01:03:36.380
Wandering around on a dating app,

1218
01:03:36.380 --> 01:03:37.580
so many of you are like,

1219
01:03:37.580 --> 01:03:40.660
man, I keep meeting these creeps on dating apps.

1220
01:03:40.660 --> 01:03:43.300
Gentlemen, I keep meeting these gold diggers on dating apps.

1221
01:03:43.300 --> 01:03:44.660
That's because you're wandering around

1222
01:03:44.660 --> 01:03:46.140
with a big target on your head

1223
01:03:46.140 --> 01:03:48.420
because you don't know what you want.

1224
01:03:50.980 --> 01:03:52.780
You're not a buyer.

1225
01:03:52.780 --> 01:03:55.500
You're a shopper.

1226
01:03:55.500 --> 01:03:56.940
You're a disgruntled dater.

1227
01:04:01.060 --> 01:04:03.220
And for those of you that are in

1228
01:04:04.120 --> 01:04:05.580
my Last Year Single program

1229
01:04:05.580 --> 01:04:07.620
that have done your heart work,

1230
01:04:08.580 --> 01:04:09.620
what do we say?

1231
01:04:09.620 --> 01:04:11.900
What you believe you become,

1232
01:04:11.900 --> 01:04:14.200
and what you become, you what?

1233
01:04:14.200 --> 01:04:15.340
Put it in the comments.

1234
01:04:21.100 --> 01:04:23.220
Attract.

1235
01:04:23.220 --> 01:04:24.380
That's right.

1236
01:04:24.380 --> 01:04:26.300
Guys, that's Proverbs 23, seven.

1237
01:04:26.300 --> 01:04:27.900
What you believe you become,

1238
01:04:27.900 --> 01:04:29.360
and what you become, you attract.

1239
01:04:29.360 --> 01:04:30.780
You want the real law of attraction?

1240
01:04:30.780 --> 01:04:31.620
It's in the Bible.

1241
01:04:31.620 --> 01:04:32.940
It's in the book of Proverbs.

1242
01:04:32.940 --> 01:04:34.540
That's the real law of attraction.

1243
01:04:34.540 --> 01:04:35.980
What you believe about yourself

1244
01:04:35.980 --> 01:04:38.340
is what you're gonna be putting out

1245
01:04:38.340 --> 01:04:40.340
because behavior follows identity,

1246
01:04:40.340 --> 01:04:43.420
and that is going to attract back to you

1247
01:04:43.420 --> 01:04:44.820
what you've been attracting.

1248
01:04:45.320 --> 01:04:48.120
These dating apps are, it's just technology.

1249
01:04:48.120 --> 01:04:48.960
It's like money.

1250
01:04:48.960 --> 01:04:49.960
Money's not good or bad.

1251
01:04:49.960 --> 01:04:50.800
It's neutral.

1252
01:04:50.800 --> 01:04:53.120
It's bad in the hands of people with bad motives,

1253
01:04:53.120 --> 01:04:54.600
and it's good in the hands of people

1254
01:04:54.600 --> 01:04:56.880
with good motives and good intentions.

1255
01:04:56.880 --> 01:04:58.280
Dating app is no different.

1256
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.400
I know that they create it as a slot machine and they want to make money off you, but if you show up there

1257
01:05:06.440 --> 01:05:14.000
clear in your heart and in your mind having done the work and not being afraid to swipe left on people that are not

1258
01:05:14.080 --> 01:05:18.040
fitting what it is that you're looking for because you don't have a scarcity mentality.

1259
01:05:18.280 --> 01:05:24.020
You're not looking for signs because you're in the passive faith script and you're like, God, are they the one?

1260
01:05:24.820 --> 01:05:29.860
Let me swipe and whoever I stop on with my eyes closed, that is my husband or wife.

1261
01:05:30.100 --> 01:05:34.360
You're not doing this kind of stuff. And if you're not doing this kind of stuff, then guess what?

1262
01:05:34.860 --> 01:05:40.420
You're probably gonna meet some really good intentional people because you're good and you're intentional and like attracts like.

1263
01:05:42.860 --> 01:05:44.980
Someone's gonna get so helped after this book club.

1264
01:05:44.980 --> 01:05:48.280
You're just gonna step right into your love story and it's gonna be incredible and it's gonna be amazing.

1265
01:05:48.280 --> 01:05:52.060
You're gonna have a massive summer of love because you are applying all the things that we're talking about.

1266
01:05:55.020 --> 01:05:59.620
I know you think it's so hard, but we make it so hard because our hearts are hard and

1267
01:06:00.700 --> 01:06:05.820
out of the quality of your heart flows the quality of your life. That's the scripture in the Bible.

1268
01:06:06.260 --> 01:06:08.420
It's also scripture in my heart work course.

1269
01:06:08.940 --> 01:06:15.500
Out of the quality of your heart flows the quality of your life and that includes your dating life, includes your love life.

1270
01:06:18.900 --> 01:06:20.300
Look friends,

1271
01:06:20.300 --> 01:06:25.700
you're showing up too late if you're gonna try to tell me that there's not a love story for people who have done the

1272
01:06:25.700 --> 01:06:29.200
work and want one and eyes are clear to receive one.

1273
01:06:29.620 --> 01:06:33.900
Not based on some silly idea of what it is to look or feel like but based on truth.

1274
01:06:34.820 --> 01:06:42.260
God has something for every single one of us if we partner with him and we also partner with

1275
01:06:43.340 --> 01:06:45.340
wisdom and truth.

1276
01:06:46.340 --> 01:06:53.140
Okay, I've seen it happen for too many people. You can't tell me that you're different or that you're special in a bad way.

1277
01:06:53.980 --> 01:06:55.980
That it just can't happen for you.

1278
01:06:56.740 --> 01:07:00.300
I've seen little old men and little old ladies get married.

1279
01:07:01.300 --> 01:07:06.660
I've seen young people get married. I've seen people that have been married four or five times get married.

1280
01:07:06.660 --> 01:07:08.940
I've seen people with 12 kids

1281
01:07:09.820 --> 01:07:11.700
get married.

1282
01:07:11.700 --> 01:07:13.780
You're like, wait, what? Uh-huh.

1283
01:07:15.340 --> 01:07:19.340
How do you feel if your spirit mate ends up being the mother or father of 12 children?

1284
01:07:19.340 --> 01:07:21.340
I don't know.

1285
01:07:30.020 --> 01:07:35.420
That gives a whole new meaning to that movie Yours, Mine and Ours. Whoo, baby. That's a lot.

1286
01:07:35.620 --> 01:07:38.180
Gotta really love that person. Okay, so

1287
01:07:39.700 --> 01:07:41.660
we've got to work with

1288
01:07:41.660 --> 01:07:48.500
you having and I say this in the book and I thought this was powerful and this is once again, Holy Spirit revelation.

1289
01:07:51.380 --> 01:07:54.300
The people on those dating apps that you're gonna be interacting with,

1290
01:07:55.860 --> 01:08:01.860
they see, they know that anyone who doesn't have a clear yes

1291
01:08:03.540 --> 01:08:05.540
also doesn't have a clear no.

1292
01:08:06.460 --> 01:08:08.900
If you're not clear about what you want,

1293
01:08:08.900 --> 01:08:14.220
then you're also not clear about what you don't want and that just makes you, you guys, that makes you a target.

1294
01:08:14.220 --> 01:08:17.380
It really does. It makes you very susceptible to a lot of things.

1295
01:08:17.380 --> 01:08:20.740
I will tell you I got a message from someone today and

1296
01:08:20.939 --> 01:08:26.020
they've been six months into a relationship and the relationship has been good and they've been enjoying their

1297
01:08:26.220 --> 01:08:30.420
relationship and they think that they're in love with this person and this person's in love with them.

1298
01:08:30.420 --> 01:08:33.180
They've told each other that they love each other and all the things.

1299
01:08:34.060 --> 01:08:36.060
But because they

1300
01:08:36.420 --> 01:08:40.779
were running that chill girl script and just trying to be easy and

1301
01:08:41.220 --> 01:08:44.420
over-functioning and making it so easy on him to be with them.

1302
01:08:44.420 --> 01:08:47.180
It's like, oh, you know men need you to be really easy.

1303
01:08:47.180 --> 01:08:52.620
They need you to be easy to be with and that's how that's why they stay because if you make it hard and

1304
01:08:53.100 --> 01:08:57.460
by the way, her definition of making it hard was asking for what she wants and needs and

1305
01:08:57.620 --> 01:08:59.500
clarifying where this relationship was going.

1306
01:08:59.500 --> 01:09:06.859
She didn't do any of those three things and now the relationship has ended because she finally asked the question, you know,

1307
01:09:07.220 --> 01:09:10.300
are you marriage minded? And he said no.

1308
01:09:15.300 --> 01:09:17.300
What?

1309
01:09:19.859 --> 01:09:21.859
I love you.

1310
01:09:25.300 --> 01:09:27.300
I miss you. I can't wait to see you.

1311
01:09:28.300 --> 01:09:30.300
We're exclusive.

1312
01:09:35.220 --> 01:09:37.220
But it's not headed towards marriage

1313
01:09:37.779 --> 01:09:43.380
because she never bothered to find out whether or not she was dating a marriage minded man. Now this man

1314
01:09:43.819 --> 01:09:50.740
cares for her. This man has feelings and affection for her, but this man does not want to be remarried. He's older.

1315
01:09:50.819 --> 01:09:52.779
They're both older.

1316
01:09:52.779 --> 01:09:56.660
Okay, they're in their 50s. He was married for 30 years.

1317
01:09:57.300 --> 01:09:59.300
He's divorced. He has no intention.

1318
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.400
no desire to be remarried. Y'all, you got to find out stuff like that at the very beginning.

1319
01:10:07.280 --> 01:10:09.120
That's why you have to have your non-negotiables.

1320
01:10:11.440 --> 01:10:17.040
It should be on every one of your non-negotiable lists that the person has to be verbally,

1321
01:10:19.200 --> 01:10:22.640
unapologetically, marriage-minded.

1322
01:10:30.400 --> 01:10:38.320
All right. So you guys, the foundation of our non-negotiables are character. So you should

1323
01:10:38.320 --> 01:10:46.960
have a few that fall into the character category. Okay. Capacity should be on there.

1324
01:10:46.960 --> 01:10:57.520
Compatibility. Conviction. This is where your faith comes into play.

1325
01:10:58.960 --> 01:11:02.480
And community. I believe community should be on your non-negotiable list.

1326
01:11:02.480 --> 01:11:04.480
How does this person do relationship?

1327
01:11:08.320 --> 01:11:11.920
And remember, it's not these five things. It's things in these categories.

1328
01:11:11.920 --> 01:11:16.640
If you're going to have more than three things, James only had three things.

1329
01:11:16.640 --> 01:11:22.080
Let's look at what his three things were. One of them was capacity. Did this woman want to

1330
01:11:22.080 --> 01:11:26.640
raise children that didn't belong to her? Did she have capacity to love?

1331
01:11:27.680 --> 01:11:31.760
Did she have capacity to make room for that in her life? Okay.

1332
01:11:34.880 --> 01:11:39.360
One of the other things was, did she love Jesus? That goes in the conviction category.

1333
01:11:40.160 --> 01:11:45.520
He wanted to be with someone who's spiritually mature, that loved God, loved Jesus more than

1334
01:11:45.520 --> 01:11:54.880
they loved a man or wanted to be in a relationship. Character. I think character and compatibility was

1335
01:11:54.880 --> 01:11:59.600
a feminine and gentle heart. It's in both those categories. Do you guys see that?

1336
01:12:03.200 --> 01:12:06.400
All right. I'm going to put you in breakouts and I want you to share

1337
01:12:06.400 --> 01:12:11.520
your non-negotiables with each other. Okay. And do it kind of quickly.

1338
01:12:16.320 --> 01:12:20.880
At least share your top five. Share your top five non-negotiables with each other

1339
01:12:21.760 --> 01:12:26.880
and try to think about what categories the non-negotiables are in. Is it in character,

1340
01:12:26.880 --> 01:12:29.520
capacity, compatibility, conviction, or community?

1341
01:12:30.320 --> 01:12:34.480
I don't want you to call each other out in these groups and be like, that's not a non-negotiable.

1342
01:12:35.200 --> 01:12:51.440
We're just sharing right now. That's what we're doing. Okay. All right.

1343
01:12:59.520 --> 01:13:07.440
Okay.

1344
01:13:07.440 --> 01:13:29.360
We're not in a group.

1345
01:13:37.440 --> 01:13:45.360
Okay.

1346
01:14:07.440 --> 01:14:14.080
I don't know what happened, but I got kicked out.

1347
01:14:16.400 --> 01:14:18.480
Do you know what group you were in? What number?

1348
01:14:21.920 --> 01:14:25.360
I want to say six, but I, yeah, I don't want to say six, but I don't remember.

1349
01:14:26.080 --> 01:14:29.040
Okay. Well, go ahead and hit yes on that. You'll go back in.

1350
01:14:38.160 --> 01:14:44.160
Okay. The button hasn't shown up yet. I don't know what happened.

1351
01:14:49.280 --> 01:14:50.080
Let me find you.

1352
01:14:50.320 --> 01:14:52.320
It shows you as being in the room.

1353
01:14:53.600 --> 01:14:56.800
That's what, I know I was in it, but I don't know what happened.

1354
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:10.000
Okay.

1355
01:15:10.000 --> 01:15:12.000
Trying it now.

1356
01:15:12.000 --> 01:15:17.000
No.

1357
01:15:17.000 --> 01:15:19.000
Let's see more.

1358
01:15:19.000 --> 01:15:22.000
Okay. Hold on a second.

1359
01:15:22.000 --> 01:15:37.000
Okay.

1360
01:15:37.000 --> 01:15:40.000
Okay, there it is. Okay.

1361
01:15:40.000 --> 01:16:09.000
Okay.

1362
01:16:09.000 --> 01:16:11.000
Okay.

1363
01:16:39.000 --> 01:16:51.000
Okay.

1364
01:17:09.000 --> 01:17:19.000
Okay.

1365
01:17:39.000 --> 01:18:02.000
Okay.

1366
01:18:02.000 --> 01:18:20.000
Okay.

1367
01:18:20.000 --> 01:18:31.000
Okay.

1368
01:18:31.000 --> 01:18:33.000
When you get back in, just make sure you mute,

1369
01:18:33.000 --> 01:18:38.000
because sometimes you're unmuted when you come back.

1370
01:18:38.000 --> 01:18:41.000
I'm going to wrap up strong here.

1371
01:18:41.000 --> 01:18:44.000
All right, how many of you, okay, did you guys have a good time?

1372
01:18:44.000 --> 01:18:45.000
Did you guys share?

1373
01:18:45.000 --> 01:18:46.000
Everyone get a chance to share?

1374
01:18:46.000 --> 01:18:48.000
There should have only been three or four of you in a room.

1375
01:18:48.000 --> 01:18:50.000
Let's go around real quick and share. Good.

1376
01:18:50.000 --> 01:18:51.000
Okay.

1377
01:18:51.000 --> 01:18:56.000
So, did anyone hear something that's very clearly not a non-negotiable

1378
01:18:56.000 --> 01:18:59.000
being described as a non-negotiable?

1379
01:18:59.000 --> 01:19:03.000
Was that happening?

1380
01:19:03.000 --> 01:19:06.000
Yeah.

1381
01:19:06.000 --> 01:19:07.000
I'm sure it was.

1382
01:19:07.000 --> 01:19:08.000
All right.

1383
01:19:08.000 --> 01:19:10.000
So, before tonight's over with,

1384
01:19:10.000 --> 01:19:13.000
I just want to talk about the gray zone.

1385
01:19:13.000 --> 01:19:16.000
I describe it as the gray zone, the almost relationship.

1386
01:19:16.000 --> 01:19:19.000
In culture nowadays, we call it the situationship.

1387
01:19:19.000 --> 01:19:24.000
This is a relationship that has all of the aspects of a relationship,

1388
01:19:24.000 --> 01:19:26.000
but it hasn't had any direction.

1389
01:19:26.000 --> 01:19:30.000
It's not going anywhere, and it's certainly not going to go towards marriage.

1390
01:19:30.000 --> 01:19:35.000
And these are not relationships, pseudo relationships,

1391
01:19:35.000 --> 01:19:38.000
almost relationships that last a week or two.

1392
01:19:38.000 --> 01:19:39.000
They can.

1393
01:19:39.000 --> 01:19:42.000
And if you wake up quickly and you figure out what's going on,

1394
01:19:42.000 --> 01:19:44.000
you can put an end to it.

1395
01:19:44.000 --> 01:19:49.000
But sometimes people are in these for years, years, friends,

1396
01:19:49.000 --> 01:19:52.000
because they have all of the markers of a relationship,

1397
01:19:52.000 --> 01:19:54.000
but they're not progressing.

1398
01:19:54.000 --> 01:19:56.000
That's how you know that it's not a real relationship,

1399
01:19:56.000 --> 01:19:58.000
and it's certainly not a marriage-minded relationship.

1400
01:19:58.000 --> 01:20:00.000
Because year after year after year after year,

1401
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.000
It has not gone anywhere new, okay?

1402
01:20:04.000 --> 01:20:05.960
You haven't gotten closer.

1403
01:20:05.960 --> 01:20:08.400
There isn't any new level of commitment.

1404
01:20:08.400 --> 01:20:10.060
There isn't an engagement.

1405
01:20:10.060 --> 01:20:11.880
There's not a marriage.

1406
01:20:11.880 --> 01:20:14.600
People even add children, believe it or not,

1407
01:20:14.600 --> 01:20:17.460
to some of these gray relationships.

1408
01:20:17.460 --> 01:20:21.080
Okay, so I want you to go ahead and put in the chat

1409
01:20:21.080 --> 01:20:23.900
if you've ever been in one of these gray zones.

1410
01:20:24.760 --> 01:20:27.240
If you've ever been, and then for how long?

1411
01:20:27.240 --> 01:20:29.840
Someone said, I've been in one for seven years.

1412
01:20:31.660 --> 01:20:34.420
Friends with benefits, yeah, that can happen for sure.

1413
01:20:35.820 --> 01:20:39.420
Five months, five months, two and a half years.

1414
01:20:39.420 --> 01:20:42.400
Longer than a few months, three months, seven years, okay.

1415
01:20:42.400 --> 01:20:45.340
So what happened here, and we're gonna make sure

1416
01:20:45.340 --> 01:20:47.180
this never happens to you again,

1417
01:20:47.180 --> 01:20:50.820
is that you met someone who probably had things

1418
01:20:50.820 --> 01:20:53.340
on your non-negotiable list,

1419
01:20:53.340 --> 01:20:55.460
and maybe even some things on your preference list

1420
01:20:55.480 --> 01:20:57.640
that you were really intrigued by.

1421
01:20:57.640 --> 01:20:59.440
And next week, we'll talk about chemistry.

1422
01:20:59.440 --> 01:21:01.760
We're gonna leave that for next week, okay?

1423
01:21:01.760 --> 01:21:04.960
So that's what happened, but what also happened

1424
01:21:04.960 --> 01:21:09.640
is that this person was not ready for a romance.

1425
01:21:09.640 --> 01:21:12.780
They weren't ready for a commitment.

1426
01:21:12.780 --> 01:21:16.620
They were marriage-curious maybe, but not marriage-minded.

1427
01:21:18.920 --> 01:21:20.640
And we didn't find that out soon enough,

1428
01:21:20.640 --> 01:21:23.680
or we kept thinking that it was gonna change.

1429
01:21:23.700 --> 01:21:25.900
That's a big mistake that people make.

1430
01:21:25.900 --> 01:21:29.060
They know it, they know that the person's not ready now,

1431
01:21:29.060 --> 01:21:31.100
but they think they can love them into readiness.

1432
01:21:31.100 --> 01:21:34.620
They think that they can wait for them into readiness.

1433
01:21:34.620 --> 01:21:37.200
And most of the time, that doesn't work out.

1434
01:21:38.500 --> 01:21:41.700
Okay, so here are the four signals of genuine readiness.

1435
01:21:41.700 --> 01:21:43.780
And you guys, I really believe

1436
01:21:43.780 --> 01:21:48.240
that the person has to be ready now.

1437
01:21:49.400 --> 01:21:51.420
You can meet someone, they're great, they're wonderful,

1438
01:21:51.420 --> 01:21:53.960
you really like them, you like so many things about them,

1439
01:21:53.960 --> 01:21:57.080
but their life is just not ready for a romance

1440
01:21:57.080 --> 01:21:59.400
and not ready for a commitment or a marriage.

1441
01:21:59.400 --> 01:22:01.400
Here's an example.

1442
01:22:01.400 --> 01:22:04.020
They're not divorced yet.

1443
01:22:06.600 --> 01:22:07.840
They're not divorced yet.

1444
01:22:10.500 --> 01:22:12.160
They may barely be separated.

1445
01:22:12.160 --> 01:22:14.240
Their divorce isn't even underway.

1446
01:22:14.240 --> 01:22:16.880
Maybe their divorce has been underway for a while,

1447
01:22:16.880 --> 01:22:18.880
but now they're in a custody battle.

1448
01:22:19.860 --> 01:22:22.140
They're in a custody battle.

1449
01:22:22.140 --> 01:22:24.800
And who knows how long this is gonna go on for?

1450
01:22:24.800 --> 01:22:26.940
They can't be in a romantic relationship with you.

1451
01:22:26.940 --> 01:22:28.660
They couldn't marry you if they wanted to

1452
01:22:28.660 --> 01:22:30.640
because they're married to somebody else.

1453
01:22:30.640 --> 01:22:31.480
What is that?

1454
01:22:31.480 --> 01:22:35.460
That's someone who's not ready for a relationship right now.

1455
01:22:37.580 --> 01:22:39.440
What about the person that everything is great,

1456
01:22:39.440 --> 01:22:40.780
they have all your non-negotiables,

1457
01:22:40.780 --> 01:22:42.440
they have great character,

1458
01:22:42.440 --> 01:22:46.460
they have great convictions, all the things,

1459
01:22:46.460 --> 01:22:48.060
but as you get to know them more,

1460
01:22:48.080 --> 01:22:50.440
you see that they're overextended.

1461
01:22:50.440 --> 01:22:52.140
They don't have a lot of capacity.

1462
01:22:54.200 --> 01:22:56.580
They work 90 hours a week.

1463
01:22:56.580 --> 01:22:57.420
They're a pilot.

1464
01:22:57.420 --> 01:22:58.740
They fly all over the world,

1465
01:22:58.740 --> 01:23:01.040
and they're not gonna quit that job anytime soon,

1466
01:23:01.040 --> 01:23:03.880
and you barely even get to see them while you're dating.

1467
01:23:05.520 --> 01:23:07.700
I know a lot of people who didn't break up with someone

1468
01:23:07.700 --> 01:23:10.820
because they were actually never in the same room

1469
01:23:10.820 --> 01:23:13.100
or the same state with them long enough to do so.

1470
01:23:13.100 --> 01:23:15.300
It was a long distance relationship

1471
01:23:15.300 --> 01:23:17.380
because this person's job had them traveling

1472
01:23:17.380 --> 01:23:18.480
all over the globe,

1473
01:23:20.260 --> 01:23:21.820
and so that caused the relationship

1474
01:23:21.820 --> 01:23:23.780
to go on longer and longer and much longer

1475
01:23:23.780 --> 01:23:24.660
than it should have

1476
01:23:24.660 --> 01:23:27.000
because they were never really together long enough

1477
01:23:27.000 --> 01:23:30.400
to have the conversation of, hey, this isn't working out.

1478
01:23:33.980 --> 01:23:36.060
A lot of people would date them for a lot of reasons, Sarah.

1479
01:23:36.060 --> 01:23:37.440
Sarah's like, why would you even date them?

1480
01:23:37.440 --> 01:23:38.860
Because people don't wanna be alone,

1481
01:23:38.860 --> 01:23:40.580
because people like them.

1482
01:23:40.580 --> 01:23:41.860
They like things about them.

1483
01:23:41.860 --> 01:23:43.780
Remember, they have some of your non-negotiables,

1484
01:23:43.780 --> 01:23:45.380
maybe even all of them.

1485
01:23:45.380 --> 01:23:47.260
What they don't have is readiness.

1486
01:23:48.140 --> 01:23:51.460
They're not showing up to the relationship

1487
01:23:51.460 --> 01:23:55.020
ready to go to the next level.

1488
01:23:56.300 --> 01:23:58.400
And you guys, don't count out attraction.

1489
01:23:58.400 --> 01:23:59.900
Someone can have your non-negotiables,

1490
01:23:59.900 --> 01:24:01.220
you can be really attracted to them,

1491
01:24:01.220 --> 01:24:03.220
and you'll be willing to put up with a lot of stuff

1492
01:24:03.220 --> 01:24:04.700
that you shouldn't be putting up with

1493
01:24:04.700 --> 01:24:07.300
from someone who is not anywhere ready

1494
01:24:07.300 --> 01:24:08.820
to make a commitment to you.

1495
01:24:12.620 --> 01:24:13.700
Jackie, what's your advice

1496
01:24:13.700 --> 01:24:15.360
for how to talk yourself out of it

1497
01:24:15.360 --> 01:24:18.320
when you want so badly to wait for someone who's not ready?

1498
01:24:18.320 --> 01:24:20.440
You need to ask yourself

1499
01:24:20.440 --> 01:24:23.340
what you're gonna be doing this time next year, Kimberly.

1500
01:24:29.160 --> 01:24:31.100
What are you gonna be doing a year from now?

1501
01:24:33.380 --> 01:24:35.000
And then you have to ask yourself

1502
01:24:35.000 --> 01:24:37.020
if you're willing to be doing what you're doing right now

1503
01:24:37.020 --> 01:24:39.020
a year from now, because you're gonna be.

1504
01:24:44.160 --> 01:24:45.300
When we get to the point

1505
01:24:45.300 --> 01:24:48.300
where we're not willing to waste another moment

1506
01:24:48.300 --> 01:24:49.940
of this beautiful one and only life

1507
01:24:49.940 --> 01:24:52.260
that God has given us,

1508
01:24:52.260 --> 01:24:54.620
on someone who cannot partner with you

1509
01:24:54.620 --> 01:24:56.760
because they cannot meet you where you are.

1510
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:05.920
the work, you are ready. They're not. That means no matter how much you like them or how much

1511
01:25:05.920 --> 01:25:10.480
you fantasize about a life with them that you thought could be really good, there's someone

1512
01:25:10.480 --> 01:25:16.480
out there that's not only compatible and you have your non-negotiables, but they're also ready.

1513
01:25:16.480 --> 01:25:19.280
They've done the work and they can step into this with you now.

1514
01:25:22.000 --> 01:25:27.200
Okay, so the four signals of genuine readiness that you're going to be looking for

1515
01:25:27.200 --> 01:25:31.760
as you begin to date people are here. Number one, planning.

1516
01:25:33.760 --> 01:25:37.680
A commitment ready person respects and values your time and their own.

1517
01:25:39.760 --> 01:25:43.680
They don't reach out when it's convenient, when they're in town, when they're available,

1518
01:25:44.640 --> 01:25:49.680
when you ask, when you're going to see them again. If they say, oh, I'm not sure. I don't know.

1519
01:25:50.560 --> 01:25:57.840
That's a no. Okay. If this person is so over-scheduled and is so over-committed

1520
01:25:58.400 --> 01:26:03.440
that they don't even know when they're going to see the person that they're dating again,

1521
01:26:03.440 --> 01:26:09.920
that is an absolute red flag. That's not, well, Jackie, we have busy lives and they're in a busy

1522
01:26:09.920 --> 01:26:14.960
season at work or they have, you know, other commitments and no, they're not ready.

1523
01:26:15.040 --> 01:26:19.600
They're not ready. You're going to get burned, gentlemen, ladies.

1524
01:26:25.040 --> 01:26:29.520
A person who is marriage-minded and ready knows that they're going to have to prune some stuff

1525
01:26:29.520 --> 01:26:34.800
out of their life to make room for relationship. And hopefully they've done that before the

1526
01:26:34.800 --> 01:26:39.760
relationship shows up. But if the relationship is worth its salt and they're really crazy about you,

1527
01:26:39.760 --> 01:26:43.280
and I'm talking to the men too, ladies towards the men, men towards the ladies.

1528
01:26:43.280 --> 01:26:47.280
If they are crazy about you and they see a future with you, then guess what? They're

1529
01:26:47.280 --> 01:26:51.120
going to sacrifice some other things in order to be in relationship with you.

1530
01:26:55.280 --> 01:26:59.360
And this goes for the people that have all kinds of time for you when they're infatuated with you.

1531
01:26:59.360 --> 01:27:03.040
When you first started dating, it was like you saw them three times a week. And then all of a

1532
01:27:03.040 --> 01:27:08.080
sudden, two months in, you barely see them once a week if you're lucky. And they don't even talk

1533
01:27:08.080 --> 01:27:13.840
to you in between those dates. What happened there? They're not ready.

1534
01:27:17.840 --> 01:27:22.720
Their like for you collided with their lack of readiness, both mentally, emotionally,

1535
01:27:22.720 --> 01:27:29.760
spiritually, and physically, practically, and this other thing won out. That's what happened.

1536
01:27:29.760 --> 01:27:41.680
So they need to be making you a priority. That's the number one, prioritizing you. Number two,

1537
01:27:41.680 --> 01:27:47.120
their behavior has to match their words. In fact, forget what they're saying. Watch what they're

1538
01:27:47.120 --> 01:27:52.240
doing. The person who says that they want a serious relationship, the person that says that

1539
01:27:52.240 --> 01:27:59.680
they're here for a deep connection, but they're not exhibiting the characteristics of someone

1540
01:27:59.680 --> 01:28:04.080
who's trying to go deep with you, that's trying to get to know you, that's trying to create

1541
01:28:05.760 --> 01:28:11.280
connection and engage with you. You need to believe their behavior. I don't care how great

1542
01:28:11.280 --> 01:28:17.680
the dates are. If in between the dates, it's silent, it's crickets. If every single time you

1543
01:28:17.680 --> 01:28:22.400
go on a date with them, you don't get to any deeper level of conversation or deeper level

1544
01:28:22.400 --> 01:28:28.400
of knowing them. It's just fun. It's just rainbows and giggles and it doesn't get anywhere. It doesn't

1545
01:28:28.400 --> 01:28:35.360
go anywhere. There's no future talk or planning or anything that is suggesting that this person

1546
01:28:35.360 --> 01:28:40.960
is in it for the long haul with you, then you need to cut your losses quickly. Number three,

1547
01:28:40.960 --> 01:28:44.000
they should be introducing you to their world. And I'm just going to tell you, if they really

1548
01:28:44.000 --> 01:28:47.680
like you and they've done the work and you've done the work, there isn't any reason why they

1549
01:28:47.680 --> 01:28:52.480
wouldn't want you to meet the people that they love, their friends, especially pretty quickly,

1550
01:28:54.400 --> 01:28:58.640
pretty quickly. If this person has community and they have good friends and they're crazy about

1551
01:28:58.640 --> 01:29:02.480
you and they're also ready for a relationship and they think that you could be the one,

1552
01:29:04.000 --> 01:29:09.280
this goes for guys too and girls, they're going to want you to meet their best friend and his wife

1553
01:29:09.280 --> 01:29:14.240
or her wife or her and her husband. They're going to want you to meet those people. They're

1554
01:29:14.240 --> 01:29:17.920
going to want you to hang with them. They're going to want to run you by those people.

1555
01:29:19.040 --> 01:29:22.800
They might even want you to meet their parents or their siblings or somebody.

1556
01:29:22.800 --> 01:29:29.520
They want you to be introduced to their world. They'll invite you to a wedding or to a company

1557
01:29:29.520 --> 01:29:34.320
function. They're not afraid to be seen with you. And they're also not afraid for people to know

1558
01:29:34.320 --> 01:29:38.960
that they're serious enough about you to bring you to something like that because they're serious

1559
01:29:39.600 --> 01:29:44.880
about you because they've done the work and they're in it to win it. They're not playing games.

1560
01:29:46.640 --> 01:29:52.080
Number four, how do they handle the first rough spot? There's always going to be

1561
01:29:52.800 --> 01:29:56.880
some kind of conflict. It could be a miscommunication. It could be a scheduling

1562
01:29:56.880 --> 01:29:59.920
conflict. It could be something that happens in their personal

1563
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:03.200
life that kind of throws them into a tailspin like something at work or

1564
01:30:03.200 --> 01:30:09.040
something with their co-parent or whatever, what do they do? A marriage

1565
01:30:09.040 --> 01:30:12.760
minded person will continue to show up, they will adjust, they will repair if

1566
01:30:12.760 --> 01:30:17.480
necessary with you. They don't vanish the first time that the relationship stops

1567
01:30:17.480 --> 01:30:27.560
being fun and easy. Got it? That's a marriage minded person. There's a lot of

1568
01:30:27.560 --> 01:30:31.440
marriage curious people out there. They think marriage sounds good, they'd like

1569
01:30:31.440 --> 01:30:36.080
to be married someday, but their life does not reflect in any practical way

1570
01:30:36.080 --> 01:30:41.200
that they have made room for that someday to be any day soon.

1571
01:30:44.680 --> 01:30:49.560
Gentlemen, you meet a woman, you're dating her for three or four months, you think

1572
01:30:49.560 --> 01:30:54.360
she's the one, you're super serious about her, and then without even asking you

1573
01:30:54.360 --> 01:31:01.640
she goes and signs another year lease at her apartment. Is she marriage curious

1574
01:31:01.640 --> 01:31:10.880
or is she marriage minded? She just obligated herself to live in a studio

1575
01:31:10.880 --> 01:31:21.520
apartment or one-bedroom apartment, okay even worse, with a roommate, a housemate

1576
01:31:21.560 --> 01:31:32.320
for another year. These are things that you have to pay attention to. You're

1577
01:31:32.320 --> 01:31:35.960
dating someone and they take a promotion at work that causes them to have to

1578
01:31:35.960 --> 01:31:41.800
travel three weeks of the month. Are they marriage minded or are they marriage

1579
01:31:41.800 --> 01:31:55.960
curious? You guys feeling me? I don't want you guys to get in the gray zone

1580
01:31:55.960 --> 01:32:00.360
anymore. There's no reason to live in the gray zone. All right, so I'm gonna go

1581
01:32:00.360 --> 01:32:06.400
ahead and let you guys sign off. So before we go, I want you to carry out of

1582
01:32:06.400 --> 01:32:11.680
here tonight the things that we went over. I want you to really truly think

1583
01:32:11.680 --> 01:32:14.800
about when was the last time that you were in a relationship and you saw the

1584
01:32:14.800 --> 01:32:17.840
signs that they were just marriage curious, not marriage minded, but you kept

1585
01:32:17.840 --> 01:32:21.240
pushing forward. You saw that they weren't ready, they didn't have any of

1586
01:32:21.240 --> 01:32:24.000
these signals of readiness, but you kept pushing forward and I want you to ask

1587
01:32:24.000 --> 01:32:30.440
yourself, why? Why was I holding on? Why was I trying to make them ready? Why was

1588
01:32:30.440 --> 01:32:35.320
I trying to wait them out to hoping that they would get ready? What script was I

1589
01:32:35.320 --> 01:32:43.960
running? What was happening? What was happening? Okay, so next we're going to

1590
01:32:43.960 --> 01:32:47.080
talk about chemistry over compatibility. That's going to be really fun and how do

1591
01:32:47.080 --> 01:32:49.760
we date like a matchmaker? What's that going to look like? And then we're going

1592
01:32:49.760 --> 01:32:52.800
to take everything that we're learning out into the real world. We'll do some

1593
01:32:52.800 --> 01:32:58.280
role-playing. We'll do some fun things next week. You guys put up your questions

1594
01:32:58.280 --> 01:33:02.440
in the Ask a Coach tab on the app. Hardly any of you are asking any questions in

1595
01:33:02.440 --> 01:33:06.040
between classes. Make sure that you understand that me and my team, we are

1596
01:33:06.040 --> 01:33:10.520
there to answer your questions. We want to help you. We want to get help you to

1597
01:33:10.520 --> 01:33:14.320
get lots of freedom. Also, put some wins up. What kind of breakthrough are you

1598
01:33:14.320 --> 01:33:17.280
getting? There's a little tab that says wins. Click that tab. We want to know what

1599
01:33:17.280 --> 01:33:20.120
kind of breakthrough you're getting. What kind of aha moments are you getting? What

1600
01:33:20.120 --> 01:33:24.320
kind of freedom is happening here? What do you want to talk more about? You're

1601
01:33:24.320 --> 01:33:27.360
like, Jackie, that was really good. I was really resonating with that. I need to

1602
01:33:27.360 --> 01:33:32.240
hear more on that subject. Put that stuff up. Give us feedback and we love you

1603
01:33:32.240 --> 01:33:36.560
guys. We'll see you soon. Bye, everyone.