Hey, everyone, welcome, welcome.
Go ahead, I see you guys putting your city, state, country in the chat.
Go ahead and do that.
You might see someone who lives near you.
If so, you know, find out who they are, reach out to them.
What's better than, you know, going on an adventure to your love story is going with
others on an adventure to your love story and to their love story.
And so we love that.
All right.
So let me get my co-host situated over here.
All right.
I'm going to do a little Q&A here at the beginning because I want to talk about the content,
what you guys have been loving, what you guys what what has you stuck.
We're going to talk about our non-negotiables versus preferences tonight.
So I really want to make sure that we dig into that and give a lot of time for that.
OK, so those of you that still don't have you have zero people for your advisory circle,
go ahead and raise your hand.
You have zero people.
You don't have one person that you feel like they have a different sphere of influence
than you, that you can confide in them about your love life.
Raise your hand if you have zero people, not even one person on your advisory team, on
your matchmaking team with you.
My voice got softer.
The volume turned down.
OK, can you hear me now?
Is it better now?
It's not better.
OK, how about now?
No?
OK.
Some people are saying yes.
Some people are saying no.
Some people are saying they can hear me perfectly and other people are telling me no.
Turn up your volume for those of you that are saying no because I don't want to be blasting
out everybody else because I'm turned up pretty.
I'm turned up pretty maxed over here.
Hello, hello, testing.
Oh, yeah, I'm all the way maxed.
Already did and still very low volume.
Well, I don't know what to tell you because my little volume meter is totally green all
the way over.
So everyone that can hear me, I just want a thumbs up.
Nothing else in the chat.
Just put a thumbs up if you can hear me.
You can hear what I'm saying.
I'm a pretty loud talker.
So give me a thumbs up, everyone, everyone, everyone that can hear me.
If you can hear me, give me a thumbs up so I can see.
All right.
All right, everybody.
OK, so if you do not have even.
Just hang on a second.
There's a lot of tech stuff going on here.
That's very distracting.
OK.
All right.
If you don't have even one person that you can put on this team, this matchmaking team,
this advisory team with you, I want to see your hand.
Raise your hand.
Marsha's having issues, Rhonda's having issues, not even one person.
Esther's having trouble, Brenda's having trouble.
OK.
All right, ladies.
We got to get you out and in community.
You got to start making friends.
OK.
I said this last week.
I'm going to say this again.
I don't know if I said it in here last week, but I said it on a different coaching call.
And that is this, that a lot of people are just waiting for the significant other, their
spirit mate, their soul mate, their person.
They're waiting for them to show up so that they're not alone in the earth.
They're not alone.
They're not lonely anymore.
And I'm telling you, that is the wrong thinking.
You have not been created to just be in relationship with one other person.
You've not been created to be just in close relationship with one other person.
Or maybe your family that you come from, and some of you are old enough to know better
and your family's already gone to heaven, or they're really elderly.
You've not been created to just have, you know, your cat and your husband or wife, your
dog and your husband or wife.
You got to have friends.
You have to have friends.
And this is one of the reasons, and please hear me, I'm not trying to offend you, but
if it offends you, then you might need to really take a deeper look.
I'm a firm believer that
If something offends you, it's something you need to take a deeper look at.
And I'm going to say it.
I'm going to say it really plainly.
You have to make friends.
You have to have community.
And if you don't have friends or community, it's probably one of the reasons why you're
single.
That was the offensive part.
That was at the end there, that was the part that was meant to not be offensive, but it
may offend someone like Jackie.
You mean I have to have people in my life in order to get married?
Yeah, you do.
For a lot of different reasons.
First of all, we have to bring back the village because this is how we meet our significant
others.
From the beginning of time, friends, this is the way it worked.
So we need it for that reason, but we also need it for the reason of accountability and
protection.
Part of what I want you to get from this book club is letting down of your defenses, letting
down your defenses, stop being so self-defended and start being God defended.
The part of being God defended is having people in your corner, having people around you as
a hedge around you that you can run things by.
Not just who you're dating, but yes, who you're dating, but also whether you're going to quit
your job and you're going to make this decision or go make that decision or whether you're
going to move or whether you should buy this or that or do this or that, whatever it is.
Having accountability in your life is important.
Having wisdom around you is important.
Having people that know you really well is important.
Having 2am friends, these are people that you can call at 2am and as long as their ringer
is on, they're going to answer the phone and if you have some kind of an emergency, they're
going to come and be with you or help you.
So put your hands down.
We've got Marsha and Brenda and Karen, go ahead and put your hands down there.
Okay.
I want you to raise your hand if you have a 2am friend.
Raise them up.
You have a 2am friend and go, go ahead and put in the chat who that person is.
Who's that person?
Who's your 2am friend?
Larissa only has her mom, so we got to expand Larissa's circle because mom's great, but
you need more than mom in your life.
Some people, your 2am friend is your family member and that's great, but you need more
people than just your family, your brother, your sister, your cousin.
We got to have more people in our lives than just our family members.
One of the things that happened with industrialization, remember we went over this in week one about
why everything has changed, why everything is different.
One of the things that happened was that young people moved away from where they were
from.
Did you guys know that people didn't used to do that at all?
People grew up in the same sphere that they were born into, the same 25 mile square radius.
And I know that we're like, oh, that's such a small life and I don't want to stay where
I was born and all that.
Yeah, there's pros and cons of everything, but so many people moved far away from everybody
that knows them.
And now they're doing life and they're trying to build life with people that aren't part
of their ancestry, aren't part of the generation.
So I'm not even just talking about your family and your extended family.
I'm talking about the people that your extended family grew up around.
Is there anyone here that has lifelong friends that you grew up with and you still keep in
contact with?
And even maybe second or third generation friends, meaning that your parents were friends
with their parents or your grandparents were friends with their grandparents.
Does anyone have that going on?
You were neighbors.
Okay.
There's a handful of you.
So friends, this is what we lost.
This is one of the things that we lost and I believe that we can bring it back.
We can bring it back.
Now it's going to take a couple of generations to rebuild it, but it can start with us.
Do you guys want it to start with you?
Where you can marry someone and you can build a family unit.
You can build a ecosystem of people that your grandchildren and everyone grows up around
and then so on and so forth.
We can bring that back.
My son, our oldest, just got married and we're a blended family.
For those of you that know our story, we got married 20 years ago.
The kids were little and now they're big and they're all married except for one.
Well, they're all married, but this was.
He's the last one to get married.
And so he got married last weekend.
He's been married for a week now.
Praise the Lord.
He's been on his honeymoon.
But at that wedding, our family was very interesting.
His wife is an only child.
So her family was really small.
And our side of the wedding,
they had a lot of friends though.
She's got a lot of friends
and her parents have a lot of friends.
But on our side, we had all the in-laws
and all the out-laws and all the people.
And we all have learned to do life together.
You know, I'm not his bio mom.
I'm his bonus mom.
But me and his bio mom both danced with him at the wedding.
Not together at the same time.
Don't get weird, okay?
But we went to the spa together.
We went to the spa together with our in-law,
with the bride's mother.
We all three went to the spa together
and we hung out with each other.
And we exchanged little congratulations to each other.
Like, hey, our son is getting married.
In fact, they kept saying at the wedding,
Jaron's gonna dance with both of his mothers.
And I thought, people think we're a lesbian couple.
I don't know that the people that don't know us
must think that Jaron was raised by two lesbians
because they kept saying his two moms.
And I was like, okay, whatever.
So I'm just saying, we have purposely,
because you're gonna have to purposefully
and purposely build that ecosystem, build that village.
And we've made a decision to build that.
And guess what?
That is gonna ripple through the generations.
That's gonna change our children's lives
and their children's lives
and their children's lives forever, isn't it?
We've made that decision to do that.
Okay, so I'm trying to stoke the fire of this
because in order for this to work,
because I know where we're going
by the end of this book club,
in order for this to work,
in order for this to not just be a moment
where you came to a book club,
but it to be a movement in your life
where you bring back your village,
you're gonna have to buy into what I'm saying right now.
You're gonna have to buy into the vision.
And so I wanna see in the comments, if you want this,
if this sounds amazing to you,
if you would love to have a village of people around you
and your future spouse and whatever children
will either be produced by that marriage
or already going to be grafted in
because they're already part of that person's life
or your life, who wants that?
Who thinks that sounds not romantic, but real?
Like, it's not just a romanticized idea.
In fact, I made a video today on my Instagram,
go check it out.
I said, may all your de lulu come true lulu.
Because I don't think it has to be de lulu.
When people talk about your de lulu,
a lot of times they're talking about something
that's just too good to be true.
But why can't it be too good to be true?
We're talking about God here.
It's like, God, I see what you've done for others.
Do it for me.
Anybody else?
I mean, it's gonna happen for somebody.
It happened for me.
It's gonna happen for somebody.
Why can't it be you?
Honestly, why can't it be you?
So I want you to really ask yourself
that question right now.
Close your eyes.
And I want you to ask yourself the question,
why can't it be me that's surrounded by love
and extended community and a village
and good friendships and romance?
Why can't it be you?
Close your eyes.
Okay.
And then put the answer in the chat of why not.
Because something's coming up.
There's some kind of objection.
I'm too old.
It's too late.
I'm too isolated.
I've made too many mistakes.
I have too many kids.
I'm too divorced.
I'm too fat.
I'm too skinny.
I'm too short.
I'm tall.
I'm too broke.
It's just whatever.
I don't wanna see it can't be me.
We're gonna get your hopes up.
But I wanna hear what the objection was that came up.
Because we'll speak faith in life later.
Right now, we gotta deal with the root.
Gotta deal with the root causes
of why it's hard for us to keep our hopes up
and why it's hard for us to look at that kind of stuff
happening to others and ever really believe
that that is going to happen to us.
All right, this is what I wanna get to.
And for all of you that were like, it can't happen to me,
I love that and we'll get to that later
because of course it can.
This is really good right here.
My health hasn't been great.
I feel unworthy.
My family history is a mess.
I'm 77 years old.
It hasn't happened yet. That's why it can't happen to me because why hasn't it happened yet?
It's been so long. I've been too busy. I am too busy
I'm too stuck. I
Haven't had a date in 17 years
Shantay you're gonna have a date before the end of the month
Before the end of May
I'm sorry, June. What month are we in before the end of June? You're going to be on a date
a
Woman called into the radio station last night after only a year of marriage her husband left because her dad had words with her husband
Well, he obviously wasn't married to her then was he?
And you guys when we see things like that
It really makes us feel afraid of even trying because we hear so many horror stories about
Relationships and marriages and all that stuff and I really want to encourage you to
Remember that just because that's happened to somebody else doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you
But ladies I did another video yesterday and this is really important
I know that we have men in here as well. So men I'm talking to you but kind of to the flip side
I'm talking to men and women at the same time
But kind of an opposite message
The number one
Predictor remember I'm a matchmaker. I've seen lots and lots and lots of matches
We've had over 1,600 people get married through our movement
I think it's closer to 2,000 people actually get married through our movement. We've lost count somewhere around 1,600
but I get new engagement announcements every week and I just kind of stopped counting but I will say to you that
the the biggest predictor in my opinion of future marital problems and
About ten years, maybe maybe five ten years in
Estrangement and possibly even divorce you want to know what the biggest predictor is and if you watch my video don't don't shout it out
Okay, let people guess and then I'll let you go
But go ahead and if you didn't watch my video because I say in my video what it is
Put in the chat where you think the biggest predictor is of future marital
Dissatisfaction
Money
Isolation no community selfishness. These are all really good finances misaligned values unrealistic expectations
Incompatibility different goals values expectations misalignment accountability guys
These are so so so good and that's why we're gonna talk about
You know that 90-day framework
We're gonna talk about that next week of you know
What you should be talking about and what you should be doing and finding out about this person to make sure that you're truly compatible
And aligned, okay
But the the number one thing that's a predictor of future marital dissatisfaction and possibly even divorce is the woman
overfunctioning during the dating season
You better hear me
The
Woman over functioning during the day. She's like, what does that look like? That looks like you initiating you leading you planning you
Carrying the whole thing on your back you bringing up the conversations you bringing up the defining of the relationship
You you you you you?
That is the number one
Because what will happen is is that will not stay in the dating season that will continue into the marriage
Because you are training yourself and your future partner to expect this level
of
participation
Accepting
That level of participation, you know a lot of times we're out here saying oh, you know
I don't want bare effort or bare minimum men will then why are you doing the most?
Because that man might not even be a bare minimum man, but
You know, you've been driving the bus for so long. He thinks you're the bus driver
Do you get that
And I'm just gonna tell you something while that might move things forward at the pace that you like during the dating season
And that's probably why you're doing it because I know you think that you're just being helpful and you're just being you know
You know all the things easy and and
Organized and capable but really what you're doing is you're being controlling
Man, I didn't expect to read so much mail tonight
But I guess this is where Holy Spirit's leading us. That is that all of that is control. You know that right?
And I'm just gonna tell you you're not gonna like that five years in you're not gonna like that ten years in you won't be
Burned out you're gonna feel unseen
And it's gonna not be good
That's right, it's going to turn to resentment very, very, very quickly.
So gentlemen, if you see a lady that you're starting to date, start doing this.
This is where guys, this is the message that is for the men now.
If you see a woman starting to do this, where she's, you know, pressing and pushing forward
and she's planning everything and she's initiating and she's making your job really easy.
It's up to you to stop that kindly, especially if you like her kindly, politely, but just
let her know, Hey, listen, you know, why don't you relax?
Why don't you just go with the flow a little bit?
And ladies don't, they don't like this because in their minds are like, no, this is how I'm
going to get into a situation ship.
And this is how, you know, things are not going to go towards marriage.
This is why you have conversations about intentions and expectations.
But then ladies, it's a time for you to allow him to initiate.
I have no problem with women dropping the hanky, letting a guy know you're interested.
But after that, if the guy doesn't pick up the hanky, he's not interested enough to build
a relationship on.
I know people don't like to hear this, but the guy, especially at the beginning has to
like you far more than you like him.
I'm not talking toxic obsession.
So don't send me an email.
Okay.
I'm not talking about love bombers for all of you that have experienced that.
I'm talking about if he wanted to, and he was healthy enough to, he would.
You notice how I added that if he was healthy enough to, because there's a lot of people
that want to, and they just simply can't and they don't.
But if he wants to, and he's healthy enough to do it, he will do it.
He will do it.
These ladies are out here doing the most.
Doing the most, planning it all.
You even plan your own engagements.
You pick out the rings, you tell him what cut and what carrot, and you go to the store
and you're like, that one or not.
Have we lost the plot?
I know you got to wear it.
I know you should like it.
He can get some hints from some of your friends, but you don't got to go to the store.
You don't got to control everything because here's the problem.
Once you know that that man has seen the ring that you like with you, because you were there,
you tried it on, he had your ring size.
Once you know all that, you might've even seen him tap his card to pay for it.
Now you're going to be controlling when this happens.
You and your manicurist are going to be best buds because you are going to be getting a
manicure every other week.
You're going to be asking lots of questions.
You're going to be getting antsy.
You're going to be acting cuckoo, okay?
Because why?
Because you want it to happen already.
It takes all the romance out of it.
It takes all the actual getting down on one knee thing should be a surprise.
The engagement shouldn't be a surprise.
You guys should have already discussed that, should have already decided when and how and
where all the things, not where, but when and how, like as far as like our timeline
of our relationship, when, when do we see ourselves making this promise to each other?
All of that should have been discussed, but the actual details of what it looks like and
where it's going to happen and when that's, that's not up to you and you're going to rob
yourself of that and you're going to regret it later on.
When you're in the middle of a marriage where you realize that every romantic thing has
been initiated by you and controlled by you and you think your husband's not romantic
when the truth is, is you've made no space for him to be that way.
Because I just want to let you know something about men.
They're going to do it wrong.
There's a few men out there that are just really romantic.
They've read some books, they've watched some movies, they're just, they're in tune with
their feminine for whatever reason.
And you know, they, they're aesthetically sensitive.
There's some men out there like that, but the majority of men, no.
The way that they're going to show you love is they're going to rotate your tires for
you.
Okay.
Almost all of them, physical touch and acts of service.
Those are their love languages.
Occasionally throw in a word of affirmation, but mostly they're going to do something for
you.
They're going to fix something.
They're going to take care of something.
They're going to make a phone call.
They're going to schedule the plumber.
They're going to rotate the tires.
They're going to walk in the garage and say, your tires are bald.
And that's them saying, I love you.
I love you.
You got some bald tires and I'm going to fix it.
I'm going to get you some tread girl.
It's going to be good.
Okay? And so, because you want them to do it the way you would do it, whatever the thing is, plan the date the way you would do it.
Guys, you know how many people I have coached, women that I have coached, that were upset because they wanted him to plan the date?
They wanted a man who plans dates. I don't know why, but they want the man that plans dates.
And they weren't going to settle for any less than the man that plans dates.
But then the man plans dates, and you don't like the dates. You don't like the dates that he planned.
You don't like it. You wanted something different. That's why you plan it. I don't want you to plan it, but that's why you plan it.
And ladies, early on, it's really important to allow this man to court you.
I hate to use the word pursue, because it just is so weird in the Christian circles.
Because it just takes on a whole life of its own. But you have to let the man be a man.
You've got to let him, even if he does it in a clunky way, even if it's not the most romantic thing that you've ever seen in a movie.
You've just got to let him do it. You've got to enjoy it. You've got to enjoy it.
Why did you enjoy it? Because he planned it. And he tried. And that's why you've got to do it.
So we just went down a whole big rabbit trail, but that's going to be important information for somebody real soon.
So you better go ahead and stick that in your back pocket if you're not in a relationship.
And remember that over-functioning is literally the kiss of death.
So some of you are going to have a hard time with that, because you are controlling.
And you haven't admitted that to yourself yet, but you're going to need to admit it to yourself.
And it's really going to sabotage you.
So we have to get to the root of why you feel like you've got to control everything.
Because otherwise, you're setting yourself up for some hard stuff.
So almost everyone has at least one person in their advisory circle.
I'd like to see at least two to three. Two to three, so that we can do that six degrees of separation.
That's the whole point. Two to three people. And so continue to pray about it.
God might highlight someone to you that you're not even expecting.
You know that? Someone that you're not even expecting.
I know that a lot of times we just kind of think of the usual suspects.
But God can highlight someone to you that you don't even think about.
But you know, and that knows you, but you wouldn't just think about them for this job, so to speak.
For this honor in your life.
And guess what? God wants you to invite them into this circle of trust.
All right. So let's go ahead and take some questions about the homework, non-negotiables versus preferences.
Can I see the hands of people that did their non-negotiables versus preferences?
And what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to raise your hand.
And listen, we can't take a lot of time on backstories.
Okay. So what I'd like you to do if I call on you is I'd like you to tell us one item.
First of all, let's do this so that everyone can kind of get a chance.
Go ahead and put an unusual item from your non-negotiable list.
Something that you think is kind of unusual and may just be, you know, something that's unique to you.
But you believe it's a non-negotiable. Let's put it in the chat.
Ann says it was harder than she thought. That's good. I want it to be hard.
You have to like their voice. He must smell good to me. Positive and affirming.
A musician. Okay. All right. Let's start here. Everyone put your hands down. Hands go down.
So no shame, no shade. I'm going to put some of these to the test.
I told you we're going to pressure test some of these tonight.
Tiffany says it's a non-negotiable that he has to be a musician.
Raise your hand if you think that's a non-negotiable or a preference.
Raise your hand if you believe that that is a true non-negotiable, that she can have that on her non-negotiable list.
She can do whatever she wants. But is that a true non-negotiable? If you think yes, raise your hand.
Okay. How many people think it's a preference? Let's see hands.
All right, Tiffany, baby, Tiffany from Seattle, unmute yourself, explain yourself, girlfriend.
Hi, it's my, it's my life.
It's a big part of who I am.
And if, if they're not, they won't understand a lot of me.
So, I appreciate your explanation.
And can I tell you something?
I know, I appreciate it.
Listen, I'm just here to pressure test this with you because I don't want it to, I don't
want you to be stuck, okay?
I am married to a musician.
My husband plays the guitar.
He plays the piano.
He plays all three saxophones, alto, tenor, and soprano.
He also can sing like an angel.
Dude, led praise and worship for a mega church for 15 years.
Guess who's not musical?
Me.
But guess who loves music?
Also me.
Now I can sing.
I think everybody can sing, but I mean, I'm not tone deaf.
I can sing and people say that my voice sounds good.
And so, cool, but I'm not leading, like I'm not leading worship somewhere.
I have no desire to do that by the way, but, um, I'm just saying that I appreciate his
music gift.
I appreciate his love for music.
My husband is never happier.
He's like a bird with a French fry when he is just creating music.
So is it a non-negotiable or is really the non-negotiable that someone has to love music
even if they can't make it and they have to love it that you love it?
A bit, but I mean, as long as they, as he can understand it and I have, so I have my
master's degree in opera.
I'm a professional harpist and I teach music at an elementary school.
So it's such a big part of my life.
And I have dated some guys that didn't understand it.
And there's like this, it's like a chasm or a gap.
Like when I share something and they don't understand it, if that makes sense.
I mean, it does make sense, but also what are you sharing?
Are you nerding out about the harp?
Are you being a nerd, a harp nerd?
So you need someone who wants to nerd out about music and, you know, talk about it all
the time.
Like, do you have any other things that you love to do and think about and talk about?
Um, some, because I'm just going to tell you, this sounds a lot like my son who just got
married.
My son is very eclectic and eccentric about the things that he likes.
And he likes things that, you know, are not very mainstream.
And he was concerned that he would not find a girl who would understand, you know, his
passion about the things he's passionate about.
And he found a girl that while she doesn't share those passions, she's happy to hear
about them as long as he's happy to hear about her passions.
My husband is interested in a lot of things that I have no interest in at all, but I also
like to hear about what he's passionate about and see him light up when he talks about it.
But anybody and everybody can over-talk about things that only they're interested in.
And the beauty of relationship is making room for both people and what both people enjoy.
Okay.
So I don't know you and I don't hang out with you, so I can't tell.
But if all you do is eat, sleep, drink the harp or teaching it or teaching music, you
might want to diversify a little in the things that you enjoy.
Okay.
That's good advice, Tiffany.
It is.
Because even if you find a musician, they still may not share that level of passion.
You know, I actually know a lot of musicians, meaning people that play and different
instruments, and they don't talk about them.
They don't talk about that stuff.
They just do it.
They've always done it.
They've been good at it and it came naturally to them.
So what you're really talking about is someone who is a sapiosexual, intellectually
interested in the language of music and all about music and about, you know, those
things.
And yes, are there people out there like that?
Yes.
But will you like other areas of them?
Will you get along with them in other areas?
Maybe not.
So finding someone who loves you for you,
loves what you're passionate about
and loves that you're passionate about it,
but opens your life up to more interesting things
than just that, I think would be a beautiful match for you.
Okay.
All right, let's go ahead and go on.
You're welcome.
Someone said something I thought,
oh, Melissa said, I have to like their voice.
I have to like their voice.
It's an interesting one.
That's a unique one.
So I'm gonna let people vote.
Is this a non-negotiable?
Raise your hand if you think it is.
I gotta like their voice.
Got some takers on this.
Got a handful of takers.
They're coming still.
People are getting brave.
They're like, should I, shouldn't I,
should I, shouldn't I, should I?
You should raise your hand
if you think that's a non-negotiable.
Maybe you have it on your list too.
Okay.
All right.
We have 13 hands up and two thumbs up.
So 15.
Go ahead and put your hands down.
I wanna see the hands of people that think it's a preference.
Fun times, friends.
Okay, 43.
All right, Melissa,
tell us about your unique non-negotiable.
Okay.
Well, gosh, I'm not sure how to explain it
other than how I said it,
but sometimes you talk to someone on the phone
and you're just like, the voice, right?
It just doesn't,
it doesn't have to be really deep
or what other people consider anything special.
I just can't imagine someone talking to you
the rest of your life that you don't like their voice.
And I mean, I hear you
and I hear what you're talking about
and I hear where you're coming from,
but I wanna caution you on crossing someone off the list
over a phone call
and what their voice sounds like on the phone,
because there's a lot of things
that you can become accustomed to and used to
and even can become addicted to.
Used to and even can become endearing.
I know a guy, I just wanna say this.
I know a guy.
I agree with that.
That's amazing.
I know a guy that's amazing.
He's really good looking, you guys.
I mean, like above average good looking,
over six feet tall, muscular, got a good head of hair,
got pretty eyes, nice bone structure.
He's also really successful.
He has money.
He's also athletic, all the things,
but he has, wait for it,
a little bit of an effeminate voice.
In fact, the kind of effeminate sort of voice,
it's not a bad voice.
It's not high pitched.
It's just, there's something about it
that when you hear it,
the very first thing you wonder
if you're just meeting him is, is he gay?
That's the very first thing that you think.
And he's not.
He's 100% not.
The problem is, is that he was born with this voice.
And once again, it's not high pitched,
not a Pee Wee Herman voice, okay?
But so many women, when they have met him in school
and stuff, they've just assumed that he's gay
because his voice has more of an effeminate tone to it
than a deep masculine voice.
And guess what?
He's still single over this.
He's still single over it.
And it's terrible.
It's horrible that we would get the ick
over something so silly.
And then I'm not pointing this at Melissa.
This is just for everyone's benefit
to understand that there are going to be things
about your person that you,
if you think about it long enough
and you don't kind of let your heart be softened,
if you're just like looking for some thing wrong
with the person or something you don't like,
you're gonna get the ick.
You're gonna get the ick about something about somebody,
for sure.
And for me, the voice thing can really be an ick.
It can turn into an ick situation
where the person is amazing,
but you've talked yourself out of it because of something.
Okay, so we're not making Melissa take it off her list,
but the rest of you, pay attention.
So to me, it would really, like you said,
be the type of thing where if they had a lot of,
had the other things that I felt they needed,
I would certainly give it like every opportunity, right?
And go the extra mile to try to make,
see if it's gonna grow on me.
And I feel like I've done that with things in the past.
My part of the book, did you read my, did you read my question that you're supposed
to apply to all your non-negotiables in the book?
It literally, it says if they had everything else that you want on your non-negotiable
list, but they just didn't have this thing, would you, would it still be a yes or a no?
Okay.
Yeah.
I see what you're saying.
Okay.
No, I'm just listening.
I'm just here to help.
Yeah.
I'm just here to help.
Okay.
So Joy, who I know because Joy is in my last year single program, she says, can't have
a cat allergy.
Oh, they can't have a cat cause you're allergic.
Is that what you're saying?
Joy?
Are you allergic to cats?
Yes.
I'm super allergic to cats.
Okay.
You guys, that's a real non-negotiable.
I mean, you're allergic to cats.
You can't live with the cat.
If they have a cat and they love you, they're going to have to give whiskers to someone
else.
I've seen people, I know that's kind of humorous, but I have at least, I have one couple from
my community that got divorced last year over a cat.
They got divorced, you guys.
They got married and they got divorced over her cat.
I'm just going to leave that there.
All right.
Okay.
Someone said here, loves to dance with me and initiates fun.
So, you know, wanting a specific type of personality or needing a certain type of personality,
there isn't anything wrong with that.
But hopefully if they don't know how to dance or they don't really love to dance, that wouldn't
necessarily be a deal breaker.
So let's talk about something like that.
So whatever hobby it is, you put it in the blank, loves to golf, loves to travel, loves
to dance, you know, right out the gate.
Loves that.
Loves it to the same level that you love.
It just loves it.
Put right now, raise your hand if you think that that's a deal breaker.
If they don't love what you love as far as your hobbies.
Is that a non-negotiable?
Okay.
No one's taken that.
Okay.
Everyone's saying that's a preference.
But let me tell you what's not a preference.
Listening.
Okay.
What's not a preference is loves to travel is a preference.
Okay.
But what's not a preference is doesn't, doesn't like to go anywhere.
Is a homebody.
Just wants to stay home.
Doesn't like people, doesn't want to go places, doesn't want to see new things, not interested
in any kind of adventure.
That is a non-negotiable.
You will never be happy if you're an adventurous personality that loves to travel and loves
to see things and meet new people and experience new cultures and experience new things.
You cannot marry a potato.
Okay.
You cannot marry a potato.
You cannot marry someone who lives their life within a five mile square radius of their
home, who likes it that way.
They would, they would rather be at home than anywhere else.
They love to go home.
They have little home projects they're working on.
They love to be out in their yard doing things.
They love to be, you know, they have people over maybe to their house, but they don't
really like to go anywhere.
There are people like that.
Some of you are like that.
Raise your hand.
Not if you're a potato, but raise your hand.
If your happy place is home, you can't wait to get home.
You'd love to be home.
You want to find someone who wants to be home with you, wants to do home projects,
wants to have people over and entertain at home, wants to work on the yard and plant
a garden and do the things.
Go ahead.
Get your hands up.
If you are a homebody, you like to be home.
You want to, you know, your idea of date night is to cook a nice meal together and to watch
a movie or go in the backyard and take a swim in your pool, you know, together or have some
friends over, you know, you like that.
You don't need to travel.
You don't need to be flying somewhere every year.
Okay.
There's just like four of you that are admitting to being a homebody, which is interesting.
Okay.
Reggie.
All right.
Um, here's the thing about generous, Eva San Martin.
It's hard to gauge that when you're first getting to know someone, it's hard to gauge
whether or not they're generous.
There's some things on here that I don't disagree.
Like someone said, they can't be cheap.
Once again, it's kind of hard to gauge that.
You can't just gauge that by whether or not
they take you to an expensive place.
You can't just gauge that about whether or not
they offer to pay.
You know, it's really difficult to gauge that right away.
And also people go through seasons of time
where maybe they're a little bit being more frugal
because of whatever's going on in their personal life
with their finances.
And so just be careful with how you're judging these things.
Does that make sense to everybody?
Okay.
Lauren says he has to have light in his eyes.
This is a non-negotiable.
That brother's gotta have light eyes, all right?
And I'm assuming she doesn't mean blue over brown.
So Lauren, please explain to us
how we are going to gauge the light in his eyes.
Yes, I will.
It doesn't have anything to do with color at all.
I think I have dated,
and this is a completely subjective issue,
a lot of men that I, it was dark in there.
Do you know what I'm saying?
You could see it.
It's more of a spiritual thing, I suppose.
Okay.
It's unusual, I know.
It's not unusual.
It is, it's kind of unusual,
but this is what I want you to do.
And I know Lauren,
she's also part of my Last Year Single program.
I want to say to you
that I don't want you to judge this on your own, okay?
Because you already said that I've known too many men
where it's dark in there,
there's no spiritual enlightenment,
there's no light coming out.
And I know that a lot of times, ladies,
we pride ourselves on intuition,
but sometimes intuition can just become suspicion.
It really can.
And so we need to let other people meet these people,
especially if they have other things on our list,
and see if there's any light in their eyes,
because I will tell you
that I personally have experienced
someone who was dating someone
and somebody else gave them feedback
that they felt like, you know,
when they were talking to them,
that they saw some sort of demonic activity,
or they saw, you know, some hiding,
something, you know, something about them.
And guess what?
It turned out to be a thousand percent untrue.
Those two people are happily married now,
and he is one of the kindest
and sweetest souls on the planet.
So let's be careful.
If you have something subjective like this,
make sure that we take it into being objective,
meaning it's subjective,
meaning it's hard to gauge,
hard to define,
but let's make it objective
with letting, you know,
the criteria of their actions speak louder
than whatever it is that we think we see.
And this is for all of you that maybe this isn't yours,
but you have other things.
You have other ways that you're, you know,
trying to see whether or not someone's spiritual,
whether or not Holy Spirit is inside of them,
whether or not they're kind or good or generous.
We have to make sure
that we don't let it be figurative and subjective.
It needs to become objective and literal.
And one of the ways that we do that
is our relationship advisory circle.
Let other people meet them.
Let other people weigh in on what they're feeling
about what they're seeing.
Also, if they have other things
on your list of non-negotiables,
give them an opportunity to show you who they are
instead of us just kind of going on our gut.
Women especially,
gentlemen, if you're here,
you need to hear this about women.
Women pride themselves on their intuition
and women pride themselves
on just like a knowing about people.
A lot of women, you know,
we just know whether or not, you know,
someone is acting worthily during this time.
I hate to say whether they're good or bad,
but you know, whether they're doing good things
or acting worthily in this season of their life or not,
we pride ourselves on that.
But ladies, I've been wrong before in my life
because of something that I just wasn't healed from.
And so I had a filter or, you know, a clouded lens,
a blind spot there,
and you can be wrong too about certain things
because oftentimes we just find what we're looking for, okay?
And so I really want all of you
that have anything like what Lauren is saying,
make sure that somebody else takes a pass at it
and not just you, okay?
Cool.
Dan says financially responsible.
That definitely should be a non-negotiable,
but it's also something that's hard to gauge
in early relationship.
It's definitely hard to see whether or not,
unless they just tell you that they have tons of debt
and they filed for bankruptcy.
If they tell you a bunch of stuff, then you know,
but if they don't tell you, then it's hard to see.
Okay.
I'm trying to see if there's any more
like really unique ones.
Wait.
Here's one.
Christina says, knows how to do carpentry.
That's a non-negotiable.
She wants a man that can build crap.
Okay.
She wants a man that can build it, fix it.
Which is nice.
It's definitely nice.
I have a man like that.
It's definitely nice.
Non-negotiable or not.
Is it a non-negotiable?
Okay.
If you think it's a non-negotiable that your man is handy, push your hand up.
It's a non-negotiable.
I don't want to be hiring people to do stuff.
I need my husband to do it.
I want him to build me a she shed.
I want him to build our daughter a dollhouse.
I want him to renovate things with me.
I'm a house flipper.
I want a house flip with him and I want him to be able to do, you know, the stuff.
Okay.
Leslie says non-negotiable.
Leslie, why do you think that's a non-negotiable?
Is that one of yours too?
It is.
It was my number 11.
So in my defense, it was on the lower end of the list, but I think because I don't want
to fix things myself and I don't want to pay for it.
And I've had a man that is handy and it was just lovely.
Is he passed?
Nah.
Well, he's, he's passed as an ex, but not passed like dead.
She's like, he's dead to me.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Well, when you said you had one, it sounded like, you know, you lost one.
So, okay.
All right.
So, all right.
So Leslie and Christina, all right, Christina, tell us, Leslie's in your corner and everybody
else thinks it's a preference.
My dad is a very handyman.
So I guess that's, yeah.
And here's the thing.
The thing is, is that it's not wrong to want that.
And you might get that, but we can't put it on our non-negotiable list, right?
Because maybe you marry someone who's really wealthy and can pay other people to do it.
I know people who are handy that don't have time because they own their own businesses
to be handy.
So they just pay other people to fix the things and build the things and do the things because
it's not worth their time to do it.
And so it's definitely a preference and friends, just because you put it on your preference
list doesn't mean you're not going to get it in a mate.
It just means that at the end of the day, the things on your non-negotiable list are
the things that you know that you have to have in order to be happy and have a long
lasting marriage.
Okay.
So handiness is not one of those things and you already have a dad that is handy.
So you can call your dad to come over and do it.
I met a musician last week in our group.
Okay.
Yes.
Sounds good.
All right.
Did someone, was someone afraid because I'm such a direct coach and you're scared of me.
Someone afraid to put theirs up and now you want to unmute yourself and tell us what it
is.
Look, I'm being nice.
I'm a nice coach.
I just don't want you, I want you to have a summer of love and I don't want you to get
in your own way.
I just want you to get out of your own way.
Okay.
Jenny and James, did you guys read this story about Jenny and James in my book?
These are real people.
Their names not Jenny and not James, but they are real people.
Okay.
So we have a woman, Jenny, she's been dating for years and years.
You guys with no success.
She had a list a mile long, two pages, single spaced front and back.
It included particulars and it included things that she wasn't willing to compromise on.
And here's the thing that I know, gentlemen and ladies, the older we get, the more is,
we don't even become more willing to compromise.
We become less willing to compromise.
That's what happens.
And so she had been on over 200 dates, you guys, and she was still single.
And then there was James also not his real name, 44 divorced, two kids did the work
ready to find love again.
His main requirements were that the woman shared his faith and that she was open to
a blended family, that her heart was open to helping raise kids that were not her own.
Those were the two main non-negotiables that he had.
Everything else he said was he was open.
put in a negotiation.
He went on his third introduction
and was engaged 11 months later.
Now some of you are like, oh, James settled.
No, he didn't.
He didn't settle.
He's happily, happily married.
Actually, I didn't put this,
but he did have one more requirement
and that was that the woman was like gentle and feminine.
Like she had a gentle heart, okay?
Married, happily married.
Because you know what, as a matchmaker,
and because all you are gonna play matchmaker
by the end of this book club,
it's really a lot easier to introduce people
when they have really specific
and small lists of non-negotiables.
It's so much easier when you know that they're really open
in a lot of areas.
They're really open in a lot of areas.
Like for instance, if you're a blended parent
and you're co-parenting with your ex,
you can't move, right?
You can't move from the geographic area that you live.
That's a non-negotiable.
And so immediately, whoever's playing matchmaker with you,
whoever's in your advisory circle immediately knows,
hey, unless this other person is willing to relocate
to them or lives locally
and is also willing to continue to live locally
until these kids are grown, that's another thing.
It's not just they live locally now.
They have to be willing to stay in that local area
until the kids are grown.
That means there isn't any getting up on a whim
and moving to California or moving to Hawaii
or moving to Singapore.
It's you gotta stay here until the kids are grown.
And you know that that is the criteria,
then you're able to really make matches
a lot easier, aren't ya?
And that's why it was much easier to match James
than it was to match Jenny.
Jenny is still single, by the way.
Still single.
Now she's probably been on 300 dates.
I'm not saying that to scare you.
I'm just saying, if you have two-page lists,
even if it's just in your heart,
full of preferences that are masquerading as standards
or non-negotiables, you're probably gonna stay single.
And you don't really probably believe this
or understand this, but you're doing that
to keep yourself single, because in your mind,
single means safe.
Because that's definitely what Jenny's doing.
Not her name, but that's definitely what she's doing.
Okay.
All right.
So I ask you in the book, in the questions
at the end of the chapter, which person,
and be honest, you guys, because it only helps.
This only helps you if you're honest.
Which person do you see yourself in more?
You don't have to be exactly like either one of them,
but are you more like James or Jenny?
Go ahead and put it in the chat.
Be honest.
If you're really picky and you're really worried
about settling and you just want what you want,
then you better put Jenny up there.
I see some Jennys.
I see some Jameses.
People are like, I'm closer to James now,
because I saw you say that, Lacey,
and Lacey's part of last year's single.
I'm just going to tell you right now,
if you come into last year's single,
we're going to beat the Jenny out of you.
Okay.
I love you.
We're going to make sure that you let go of everything
that is a heart wound, a trigger,
that's going to keep you single, all the blind spots,
all the filters getting cleared out,
because it's not about settling.
I don't want you to marry a man, ladies,
that's just mildly interested in you,
that you're going to be miserable with
for the rest of your life.
That's not a win.
And gentlemen, I don't want you to marry a woman
who is going to brow beat you
and cause you to be miserable
and want to stay at work all day
because you don't want to go home.
No.
Yeah, lots of my students in here saying,
I used to be Jenny, but now I'm James.
Oh, you guys, I'm so proud of you.
Dan.
And if your name is Jenny, I apologize,
but we used your name as a verb.
Okay.
We're going to beat the Jenny out of you.
And, and remember that's not her real name anyway.
Okay.
Great.
Okay.
So we want to start in this whole chapter
and I hope you guys loved it.
Did you guys love it?
Give me some feedback.
If you love what you've read so far,
this whole chapter is about how to stop dating
like a disgruntled dater, which is what Jenny is like.
always complaining, there's no good men,
there's no men that meet her criteria,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
and start dating like a matchmaker.
James knew what he wanted,
he knew what he was looking for,
he knew that everything else
was kind of fluid and negotiable,
and he's happily married now.
And his wife is making an amazing blended mom.
Amazing blended mom.
Oh my gosh, okay.
Everyone's loving it, loving it.
It's so practical, you guys,
and I'm not very much a practical person,
so it was really difficult for me
to stay practical in this book,
but I just wanted to,
just the facts, please, just the facts.
Okay, all right.
Did you guys really resonate with the analogy
about how it's so important
to know what you're looking for,
and the analogy about the shopper?
Have any of you experienced going into a store
and you're not really looking for anything in particular,
and some salesperson tries to sell you something?
You're just kind of browsing,
you're just like laxadaisically walking around.
God forbid,
there's some stores that I won't even walk into
unless I'm serious about buying whatever that is,
because I know that they're gonna try to sell me so hard
and they're not gonna let me leave the store
until I buy something, right?
You guys know what I'm talking about?
You're like, don't go in that store
unless you're really in the market.
And you guys, this is why I have you
on a dating app sabbatical or pause.
I don't want you to get back on the dating apps
unless you're really in the market
and you know exactly what you're looking for,
because otherwise someone's gonna try to sell you
or someone else who really is maybe good
is just gonna dismiss you
because they know that you're not serious.
They know that you don't really know what you want.
And you know the biggest turnoff
for a marriage-minded man or woman
is connecting with someone who's not really sure
what they're looking for yet or what they want.
Come on, that's a turnoff.
If I'm working on commission, okay,
and you come into my store
and I can tell that you're just window shopping,
thank you, next.
I'm gonna go deal with someone who's a buyer, not a shopper.
Right?
You guys can't hear me?
We're just seeing the whiteboard.
Yeah, we lost you.
Somebody's sharing their screen in a whiteboard.
What?
I took it down.
Thank you, Cheryl.
Okay, you see me?
Yes, we can see you.
Okay, all right.
So you know what I'm saying?
Someone who's out here who is seriously looking
for a serious, committed, marriage-minded relationship,
if they've done the work,
they're not gonna waste time on someone who's not serious.
They're not.
And they're also not gonna let someone sell them something
that they don't want.
Don't you love this analogy?
Holy Spirit gave me that analogy.
You love it?
I love it.
I feel like it makes it crystal clear.
Wandering around on a dating app,
so many of you are like,
man, I keep meeting these creeps on dating apps.
Gentlemen, I keep meeting these gold diggers on dating apps.
That's because you're wandering around
with a big target on your head
because you don't know what you want.
You're not a buyer.
You're a shopper.
You're a disgruntled dater.
And for those of you that are in
my Last Year Single program
that have done your heart work,
what do we say?
What you believe you become,
and what you become, you what?
Put it in the comments.
Attract.
That's right.
Guys, that's Proverbs 23, seven.
What you believe you become,
and what you become, you attract.
You want the real law of attraction?
It's in the Bible.
It's in the book of Proverbs.
That's the real law of attraction.
What you believe about yourself
is what you're gonna be putting out
because behavior follows identity,
and that is going to attract back to you
what you've been attracting.
These dating apps are, it's just technology.
It's like money.
Money's not good or bad.
It's neutral.
It's bad in the hands of people with bad motives,
and it's good in the hands of people
with good motives and good intentions.
Dating app is no different.
I know that they create it as a slot machine and they want to make money off you, but if you show up there
clear in your heart and in your mind having done the work and not being afraid to swipe left on people that are not
fitting what it is that you're looking for because you don't have a scarcity mentality.
You're not looking for signs because you're in the passive faith script and you're like, God, are they the one?
Let me swipe and whoever I stop on with my eyes closed, that is my husband or wife.
You're not doing this kind of stuff. And if you're not doing this kind of stuff, then guess what?
You're probably gonna meet some really good intentional people because you're good and you're intentional and like attracts like.
Someone's gonna get so helped after this book club.
You're just gonna step right into your love story and it's gonna be incredible and it's gonna be amazing.
You're gonna have a massive summer of love because you are applying all the things that we're talking about.
I know you think it's so hard, but we make it so hard because our hearts are hard and
out of the quality of your heart flows the quality of your life. That's the scripture in the Bible.
It's also scripture in my heart work course.
Out of the quality of your heart flows the quality of your life and that includes your dating life, includes your love life.
Look friends,
you're showing up too late if you're gonna try to tell me that there's not a love story for people who have done the
work and want one and eyes are clear to receive one.
Not based on some silly idea of what it is to look or feel like but based on truth.
God has something for every single one of us if we partner with him and we also partner with
wisdom and truth.
Okay, I've seen it happen for too many people. You can't tell me that you're different or that you're special in a bad way.
That it just can't happen for you.
I've seen little old men and little old ladies get married.
I've seen young people get married. I've seen people that have been married four or five times get married.
I've seen people with 12 kids
get married.
You're like, wait, what? Uh-huh.
How do you feel if your spirit mate ends up being the mother or father of 12 children?
I don't know.
That gives a whole new meaning to that movie Yours, Mine and Ours. Whoo, baby. That's a lot.
Gotta really love that person. Okay, so
we've got to work with
you having and I say this in the book and I thought this was powerful and this is once again, Holy Spirit revelation.
The people on those dating apps that you're gonna be interacting with,
they see, they know that anyone who doesn't have a clear yes
also doesn't have a clear no.
If you're not clear about what you want,
then you're also not clear about what you don't want and that just makes you, you guys, that makes you a target.
It really does. It makes you very susceptible to a lot of things.
I will tell you I got a message from someone today and
they've been six months into a relationship and the relationship has been good and they've been enjoying their
relationship and they think that they're in love with this person and this person's in love with them.
They've told each other that they love each other and all the things.
But because they
were running that chill girl script and just trying to be easy and
over-functioning and making it so easy on him to be with them.
It's like, oh, you know men need you to be really easy.
They need you to be easy to be with and that's how that's why they stay because if you make it hard and
by the way, her definition of making it hard was asking for what she wants and needs and
clarifying where this relationship was going.
She didn't do any of those three things and now the relationship has ended because she finally asked the question, you know,
are you marriage minded? And he said no.
What?
I love you.
I miss you. I can't wait to see you.
We're exclusive.
But it's not headed towards marriage
because she never bothered to find out whether or not she was dating a marriage minded man. Now this man
cares for her. This man has feelings and affection for her, but this man does not want to be remarried. He's older.
They're both older.
Okay, they're in their 50s. He was married for 30 years.
He's divorced. He has no intention.
no desire to be remarried. Y'all, you got to find out stuff like that at the very beginning.
That's why you have to have your non-negotiables.
It should be on every one of your non-negotiable lists that the person has to be verbally,
unapologetically, marriage-minded.
All right. So you guys, the foundation of our non-negotiables are character. So you should
have a few that fall into the character category. Okay. Capacity should be on there.
Compatibility. Conviction. This is where your faith comes into play.
And community. I believe community should be on your non-negotiable list.
How does this person do relationship?
And remember, it's not these five things. It's things in these categories.
If you're going to have more than three things, James only had three things.
Let's look at what his three things were. One of them was capacity. Did this woman want to
raise children that didn't belong to her? Did she have capacity to love?
Did she have capacity to make room for that in her life? Okay.
One of the other things was, did she love Jesus? That goes in the conviction category.
He wanted to be with someone who's spiritually mature, that loved God, loved Jesus more than
they loved a man or wanted to be in a relationship. Character. I think character and compatibility was
a feminine and gentle heart. It's in both those categories. Do you guys see that?
All right. I'm going to put you in breakouts and I want you to share
your non-negotiables with each other. Okay. And do it kind of quickly.
At least share your top five. Share your top five non-negotiables with each other
and try to think about what categories the non-negotiables are in. Is it in character,
capacity, compatibility, conviction, or community?
I don't want you to call each other out in these groups and be like, that's not a non-negotiable.
We're just sharing right now. That's what we're doing. Okay. All right.
Okay.
We're not in a group.
Okay.
I don't know what happened, but I got kicked out.
Do you know what group you were in? What number?
I want to say six, but I, yeah, I don't want to say six, but I don't remember.
Okay. Well, go ahead and hit yes on that. You'll go back in.
Okay. The button hasn't shown up yet. I don't know what happened.
Let me find you.
It shows you as being in the room.
That's what, I know I was in it, but I don't know what happened.
Okay.
Trying it now.
No.
Let's see more.
Okay. Hold on a second.
Okay.
Okay, there it is. Okay.
Okay.
When you get back in, just make sure you mute,
because sometimes you're unmuted when you come back.
I'm going to wrap up strong here.
All right, how many of you, okay, did you guys have a good time?
Did you guys share?
Everyone get a chance to share?
There should have only been three or four of you in a room.
Let's go around real quick and share. Good.
Okay.
So, did anyone hear something that's very clearly not a non-negotiable
being described as a non-negotiable?
Was that happening?
Yeah.
I'm sure it was.
All right.
So, before tonight's over with,
I just want to talk about the gray zone.
I describe it as the gray zone, the almost relationship.
In culture nowadays, we call it the situationship.
This is a relationship that has all of the aspects of a relationship,
but it hasn't had any direction.
It's not going anywhere, and it's certainly not going to go towards marriage.
And these are not relationships, pseudo relationships,
almost relationships that last a week or two.
They can.
And if you wake up quickly and you figure out what's going on,
you can put an end to it.
But sometimes people are in these for years, years, friends,
because they have all of the markers of a relationship,
but they're not progressing.
That's how you know that it's not a real relationship,
and it's certainly not a marriage-minded relationship.
Because year after year after year after year,
It has not gone anywhere new, okay?
You haven't gotten closer.
There isn't any new level of commitment.
There isn't an engagement.
There's not a marriage.
People even add children, believe it or not,
to some of these gray relationships.
Okay, so I want you to go ahead and put in the chat
if you've ever been in one of these gray zones.
If you've ever been, and then for how long?
Someone said, I've been in one for seven years.
Friends with benefits, yeah, that can happen for sure.
Five months, five months, two and a half years.
Longer than a few months, three months, seven years, okay.
So what happened here, and we're gonna make sure
this never happens to you again,
is that you met someone who probably had things
on your non-negotiable list,
and maybe even some things on your preference list
that you were really intrigued by.
And next week, we'll talk about chemistry.
We're gonna leave that for next week, okay?
So that's what happened, but what also happened
is that this person was not ready for a romance.
They weren't ready for a commitment.
They were marriage-curious maybe, but not marriage-minded.
And we didn't find that out soon enough,
or we kept thinking that it was gonna change.
That's a big mistake that people make.
They know it, they know that the person's not ready now,
but they think they can love them into readiness.
They think that they can wait for them into readiness.
And most of the time, that doesn't work out.
Okay, so here are the four signals of genuine readiness.
And you guys, I really believe
that the person has to be ready now.
You can meet someone, they're great, they're wonderful,
you really like them, you like so many things about them,
but their life is just not ready for a romance
and not ready for a commitment or a marriage.
Here's an example.
They're not divorced yet.
They may barely be separated.
Their divorce isn't even underway.
Maybe their divorce has been underway for a while,
but now they're in a custody battle.
They're in a custody battle.
And who knows how long this is gonna go on for?
They can't be in a romantic relationship with you.
They couldn't marry you if they wanted to
because they're married to somebody else.
What is that?
That's someone who's not ready for a relationship right now.
What about the person that everything is great,
they have all your non-negotiables,
they have great character,
they have great convictions, all the things,
but as you get to know them more,
you see that they're overextended.
They don't have a lot of capacity.
They work 90 hours a week.
They're a pilot.
They fly all over the world,
and they're not gonna quit that job anytime soon,
and you barely even get to see them while you're dating.
I know a lot of people who didn't break up with someone
because they were actually never in the same room
or the same state with them long enough to do so.
It was a long distance relationship
because this person's job had them traveling
all over the globe,
and so that caused the relationship
to go on longer and longer and much longer
than it should have
because they were never really together long enough
to have the conversation of, hey, this isn't working out.
A lot of people would date them for a lot of reasons, Sarah.
Sarah's like, why would you even date them?
Because people don't wanna be alone,
because people like them.
They like things about them.
Remember, they have some of your non-negotiables,
maybe even all of them.
What they don't have is readiness.
They're not showing up to the relationship
ready to go to the next level.
And you guys, don't count out attraction.
Someone can have your non-negotiables,
you can be really attracted to them,
and you'll be willing to put up with a lot of stuff
that you shouldn't be putting up with
from someone who is not anywhere ready
to make a commitment to you.
Jackie, what's your advice
for how to talk yourself out of it
when you want so badly to wait for someone who's not ready?
You need to ask yourself
what you're gonna be doing this time next year, Kimberly.
What are you gonna be doing a year from now?
And then you have to ask yourself
if you're willing to be doing what you're doing right now
a year from now, because you're gonna be.
When we get to the point
where we're not willing to waste another moment
of this beautiful one and only life
that God has given us,
on someone who cannot partner with you
because they cannot meet you where you are.
the work, you are ready. They're not. That means no matter how much you like them or how much
you fantasize about a life with them that you thought could be really good, there's someone
out there that's not only compatible and you have your non-negotiables, but they're also ready.
They've done the work and they can step into this with you now.
Okay, so the four signals of genuine readiness that you're going to be looking for
as you begin to date people are here. Number one, planning.
A commitment ready person respects and values your time and their own.
They don't reach out when it's convenient, when they're in town, when they're available,
when you ask, when you're going to see them again. If they say, oh, I'm not sure. I don't know.
That's a no. Okay. If this person is so over-scheduled and is so over-committed
that they don't even know when they're going to see the person that they're dating again,
that is an absolute red flag. That's not, well, Jackie, we have busy lives and they're in a busy
season at work or they have, you know, other commitments and no, they're not ready.
They're not ready. You're going to get burned, gentlemen, ladies.
A person who is marriage-minded and ready knows that they're going to have to prune some stuff
out of their life to make room for relationship. And hopefully they've done that before the
relationship shows up. But if the relationship is worth its salt and they're really crazy about you,
and I'm talking to the men too, ladies towards the men, men towards the ladies.
If they are crazy about you and they see a future with you, then guess what? They're
going to sacrifice some other things in order to be in relationship with you.
And this goes for the people that have all kinds of time for you when they're infatuated with you.
When you first started dating, it was like you saw them three times a week. And then all of a
sudden, two months in, you barely see them once a week if you're lucky. And they don't even talk
to you in between those dates. What happened there? They're not ready.
Their like for you collided with their lack of readiness, both mentally, emotionally,
spiritually, and physically, practically, and this other thing won out. That's what happened.
So they need to be making you a priority. That's the number one, prioritizing you. Number two,
their behavior has to match their words. In fact, forget what they're saying. Watch what they're
doing. The person who says that they want a serious relationship, the person that says that
they're here for a deep connection, but they're not exhibiting the characteristics of someone
who's trying to go deep with you, that's trying to get to know you, that's trying to create
connection and engage with you. You need to believe their behavior. I don't care how great
the dates are. If in between the dates, it's silent, it's crickets. If every single time you
go on a date with them, you don't get to any deeper level of conversation or deeper level
of knowing them. It's just fun. It's just rainbows and giggles and it doesn't get anywhere. It doesn't
go anywhere. There's no future talk or planning or anything that is suggesting that this person
is in it for the long haul with you, then you need to cut your losses quickly. Number three,
they should be introducing you to their world. And I'm just going to tell you, if they really
like you and they've done the work and you've done the work, there isn't any reason why they
wouldn't want you to meet the people that they love, their friends, especially pretty quickly,
pretty quickly. If this person has community and they have good friends and they're crazy about
you and they're also ready for a relationship and they think that you could be the one,
this goes for guys too and girls, they're going to want you to meet their best friend and his wife
or her wife or her and her husband. They're going to want you to meet those people. They're
going to want you to hang with them. They're going to want to run you by those people.
They might even want you to meet their parents or their siblings or somebody.
They want you to be introduced to their world. They'll invite you to a wedding or to a company
function. They're not afraid to be seen with you. And they're also not afraid for people to know
that they're serious enough about you to bring you to something like that because they're serious
about you because they've done the work and they're in it to win it. They're not playing games.
Number four, how do they handle the first rough spot? There's always going to be
some kind of conflict. It could be a miscommunication. It could be a scheduling
conflict. It could be something that happens in their personal
life that kind of throws them into a tailspin like something at work or
something with their co-parent or whatever, what do they do? A marriage
minded person will continue to show up, they will adjust, they will repair if
necessary with you. They don't vanish the first time that the relationship stops
being fun and easy. Got it? That's a marriage minded person. There's a lot of
marriage curious people out there. They think marriage sounds good, they'd like
to be married someday, but their life does not reflect in any practical way
that they have made room for that someday to be any day soon.
Gentlemen, you meet a woman, you're dating her for three or four months, you think
she's the one, you're super serious about her, and then without even asking you
she goes and signs another year lease at her apartment. Is she marriage curious
or is she marriage minded? She just obligated herself to live in a studio
apartment or one-bedroom apartment, okay even worse, with a roommate, a housemate
for another year. These are things that you have to pay attention to. You're
dating someone and they take a promotion at work that causes them to have to
travel three weeks of the month. Are they marriage minded or are they marriage
curious? You guys feeling me? I don't want you guys to get in the gray zone
anymore. There's no reason to live in the gray zone. All right, so I'm gonna go
ahead and let you guys sign off. So before we go, I want you to carry out of
here tonight the things that we went over. I want you to really truly think
about when was the last time that you were in a relationship and you saw the
signs that they were just marriage curious, not marriage minded, but you kept
pushing forward. You saw that they weren't ready, they didn't have any of
these signals of readiness, but you kept pushing forward and I want you to ask
yourself, why? Why was I holding on? Why was I trying to make them ready? Why was
I trying to wait them out to hoping that they would get ready? What script was I
running? What was happening? What was happening? Okay, so next we're going to
talk about chemistry over compatibility. That's going to be really fun and how do
we date like a matchmaker? What's that going to look like? And then we're going
to take everything that we're learning out into the real world. We'll do some
role-playing. We'll do some fun things next week. You guys put up your questions
in the Ask a Coach tab on the app. Hardly any of you are asking any questions in
between classes. Make sure that you understand that me and my team, we are
there to answer your questions. We want to help you. We want to get help you to
get lots of freedom. Also, put some wins up. What kind of breakthrough are you
getting? There's a little tab that says wins. Click that tab. We want to know what
kind of breakthrough you're getting. What kind of aha moments are you getting? What
kind of freedom is happening here? What do you want to talk more about? You're
like, Jackie, that was really good. I was really resonating with that. I need to
hear more on that subject. Put that stuff up. Give us feedback and we love you
guys. We'll see you soon. Bye, everyone.