Hello, ladies. How are y'all tonight? Good? Good. I have something that I want to make
sure I make this announcement to y'all so I don't want to forget. Couple of housekeeping
announcements. Let's see. Hello, welcome to all our newest members. Let me put this on
to see if I have some new people here. I'm so concerned about not missing this. Oh, it's
just a few of us. So hey, I know everybody. Hey, Amanda, and I didn't get a chance to
speak to you, Amanda, last time. Hello. How have you been?
Good, good. I'm not really a talker. I usually like to write long posts in the community.
Yeah. I won't make you talk. I just wanted to say hello. Hey, Jessica, is this your first
time with us, Jessica McVeigh or no? This is my second week.
Second. How are you adjusting? Have you had an opportunity to watch any of the teachings?
Like I just watched like the first video. Okay. The kickoff video?
I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're so happy to have you. Hope you felt no pressure when
I said that. You do not have to watch the video to come to coaching. I was just trying
to see how your journey was going. You were like, oh, no, that's not the way I wanted
it to go. I was checking in on you. So I'm glad. Welcome to phase two. It is an exciting,
exciting phase. It is part of the plan that gets you to the end result, right? And so
we're excited for you to get started, get started dating and start getting an opportunity to
express the healing that you've received in hard work through getting to know others.
I think it is the best, simplest way we can put that. Yeah. Sarah is in the house.
Are you like a superstar around here, girl? I haven't seen you.
And do I have a question tonight? And she comes with questions.
Is it, how do you say your name? Your name is spelled Y-B-E-L-I-S-E.
It's Ivelisse. Ivelisse. Is this your first time with us, Ivelisse?
It's, well, I've popped in here and there a couple of times, but I'm wanting to
get more consistent on Tuesdays. Uh-huh. Well, I'm happy to have you.
Thank you. I'm happy to be here. Yay. Okay. Well, you ladies are rolling on up here and
that makes me happy. I'm trying to see, this is the, uh, uh, Jackie messaging.
Give me one second. Okay. So Jackie was doing a sneak peek for, um, us for the Modern Dating
Sucks. We already did one special session. She was doing another one on this upcoming Thursday.
You guys should have been expecting it this week, but, um, it's going to be moved to next Thursday
evening. Okay. Yeah. The special session two is going to be moved to next Thursday.
Yep. So that means the phase two, um, sneak peek will be next Thursday. Okay.
Okay. We got it. If you got it, you got it. All right. So let's see about these other updates
before we get into this very interesting, one of the challenging teachings for me, myself, honestly.
Um, uh, you guys know that, um, if you ever need more detailed coaching, you can always book a
lovely coach. Um, we're always happy to help you grow. Um, I've already welcomed new individuals.
I'm just trying to make sure if you hadn't got Jackie's book, I heard, I've been hearing that
it's amazing. Um, I haven't started reading it yet, but it is a must on my to-do list.
Um, I heard that it's a very easy read that it brings so much clarity. And so, um, Jackie is
amazing. Now I'll praise her just because I get the privilege of joining her, working for her
in this movement. But then I'll also praise her because she is absolutely amazing. She,
she carries the word of the Lord and what she produces is really, really good.
There's not one of her teachings that I don't listen to. Like I've never heard it before.
You will think I don't.
these years you would think I've never heard Jackie. Every time I hear her talk, I listen to
her as if I never heard her before. And nothing that she says gets old or boring to me. And it
always comes with a challenge. And so that's how I feel about it. And so I think that the book is
amazing and that you guys should get your hands on it because I've been hearing some really great
things about it. And I'll be done reading it soon. So then you'll hear a lot more about it.
Um, so got it. All right. So, um, we're going to open up in prayer, even though
we kind of already opened Jesus. I thank you for these ladies. I thank you for their destiny.
I thank you, Lord God, that he who began a great work in them is faithful to complete it.
I thank you that this is a great work. I thank you, Lord God, that this is one of
the most important works that's going to happen in their life because how they show up in their
marriage is determined on what happens on the inside of their heart, the skills that they
develop in the way they allow you to stretch them. And so with that being said, I just release
a stretching anointing over each and every one of these women, allow them to become bendable
and pliable Lord God, so that you can give them the desires of your heart. Lord God, you always
desire to give them your very, very best. And so I thank you for positioning them for the best that
the kingdom has for them in Jesus name. Amen. All right. So tonight we're going to talk about
something that happens in dating that we don't highlight a lot, but it's a real thing.
And it's called discomfort. You feel it, but all the times you don't recognize that it is actually
just discomfort. And so what do we mean discomfort? Sometimes in dating or any situation,
sometimes we can confuse this comfort for is wrong, but discomfort, oftentimes I've never
been in a process with the Lord. I've never grown in something that did not require discomfort.
So imagine that you go back to the gym and you maybe go to the gym and you've never been in a
year and you've never been in your life and you started working out and you get home and you're
so, have you ever worked out with a trainer before? And you couldn't even sit on the toilet
from doing them squats and you be pissed. You can't even get in the bed. I be saying,
I bet you I won't go back. I can't get on the toilet and pee. I do not need to be going to
this person, but I don't get home and say, Oh, I must've did something wrong.
I'm sore. I must've did something wrong when I went to the gym.
We all know that when we go to the gym and we work a new muscle group that we're going to be
sore and we don't believe that we did something wrong. We know that's the process of ripping the
muscles so they can rebuild. And that's how it kind of happens in dating. The Lord likes to rip
up some of those muscles so he can rebuild. And oftentimes what happens in this very uncomfortable,
discomforting situation is that either we think something is wrong or we walk away from it
because it's not how it, how we want it to look, or we make a judgment of God that is incorrect.
Hear me when it doesn't happen, when we think it ought to happen, that's discomfort.
When it doesn't feel good to get up and try again, it's discomfort because I guarantee you
if one band didn't work and you had a line of them lining up outside your door,
they met all of your qualifications, you'll say, welp, on to the next one. I know it didn't work,
buddy, but it's okay. There's another one right here. Have you ever dated a guy and then it's
like, oh, it splashed to the ground or maybe you were really excited, you had a good conversation
and he ghosted you. And then you're like, well, I'm just going to get back on the dating app and
scroll till I found somebody else. Like you just start scrolling. You don't allow yourself to sit
in the discomfort of what just happened to you because it don't feel good. Are y'all tracking
with me? Anybody ever did that? It don't feel good. Or you fill it with cookies or ice cream or cake.
You feel the discomfort with something. That's what we're talking about tonight.
And one of the things that's interesting, and I think I mentioned this now,
in order to grow, discomfort is required. And I was at a women's prayer gathering in Dallas this
weekend. And they asked us to come to the altar and just ask the Lord to come into our hearts,
these places where we've fallen short of whatever idols we may be harboring in our hearts,
the things we go to instead of God, those things. And the Lord told me, he said,
Ebony, you have an idol of discomfort. And he said that every time something gets uncomfortable.
So we won't say every time because he didn't say every time because there are things that
are allowed to be stretched in my life.
but because I don't want to withstand the discomforting process," he said,
when you don't want to withstand discomfort, you gain weight because you eat your way out
of your discomfort. He said, you keep weight around because you refuse to be uncomfortable.
You don't sit in processes because you refuse to be uncomfortable. Your nervous system is on high,
so you need something to comfort you. You need somebody to change. You need something to change
because you just won't sit in it. Discomfort is not the idol. Comfort is your idol.
You want comfort by any means necessary, and I've come to make you uncomfortable.
He says, there's a scripture that says, we'll be planted like a tree by the rivers and waters,
but we'll bear fruit in all season. He said, the only way that a righteous can stand and
bear fruit in all season is if they could stand in uncomfortable situations. He says,
I want to design you and build you in such a way that you are unmovable, unshakable, and unstoppable,
and that's what the kingdom of God produces, and that's what I'll produce in you if you will hand
over your idol of comfort to me. And so, of course, that was glad tidings to my ear,
but I'm sharing it with you so that you can begin to evaluate the places in your life
where instead of sitting in the process, you opt out for comfort.
Somebody makes you angry, you don't want to deal with it. Forget it. I'm done with it. Don't talk
to me. Whatever. Or you don't confront somebody because it's uncomfortable. You don't say
something because it's uncomfortable. You don't see the story to the end because it's uncomfortable.
It's uncomfortable because you don't know what's on the other side, and so you're going to take
comfort now and not even go through the process. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said that because of this
camera because I think y'all saw me disappear. If it adds up too much, I hope it lets me come
back. I'll keep talking. I don't know what's wrong with it. Sorry, ladies. But I hope you're
tracking, and I hope you start thinking about areas in your life you've refused growth because
it's uncomfortable to you. So let's talk about this. Growth and discomfort go hand to hand.
There's no other way to grow but by some discomfort. So
we talked about how some discomfort comes from doing something healthy,
but it feels very unfamiliar to you, right? It's something healthy, something good, but it's
unfamiliar to you. What healthy thing might feel uncomfortable simply because it's new?
Have you guys ever did something healthy, but it felt uncomfortable because it was new
to you? Yeah? Can you put it in the chat? Something you did, it was uncomfortable
to you. It was healthy. It was good for you, but because it was new,
it was very discomforting. Who's ever opt out of a process because it was too uncomfortable?
Coaching people at work, that can be very uncomfortable because you don't know how
they're going to respond to you, right? How they're going to see you, what they're going to
think. Networking, yes. You've run the risk of these people, right? Saying no is very, yeah.
And networking is like, will they accept me? Will they receive me? I know working out with
my trainer. Allow him to make that meal plan and ask you if you went along with it. Please
don't ask me nothing about that meal plan if I went along with it. I forgot how this thing...
Anyway, I'm sorry. I think I'm getting a little sidetracked. I got this little camera,
but for some reason I used it for so long, I forgot how it worked. Okay.
This is now, I want to say this. Sometimes discomfort, this is where it gets twisted.
Sometimes discomfort is a warning sign and sometimes it's a part of the journey.
So sometimes you can meet a person, your nervous system can scream to you like,
hey, something's not right. That's discomfort or that's uncomfortable, right? And then sometimes,
like I said, it's just a part of the growing process. So sometimes it's evidence that you're
growing your old patterns. Have you ever noticed the old pattern and you come up,
but you're able to deal with it? And it's like, oh wow, that did used to be a thing.
Like now you can recognize that this is no longer happening. I feel it. I remember doing something
like this would be my out in the past. I'm not taking it this time.
Anybody? Yeah. Sometimes dating reveals areas that still need healing. Sometimes, most often.
all the time.
And you can identify those spaces
by identifying the things you are most resistant to.
So there's something happening in your dating process
and you feel yourself being the most resistant to it.
That's probably a place that the Lord wants to expose
so that it can be healed.
Just out of curiosity,
I want you guys to put in the chat
an area that has happened to you in dating,
even if it's dating itself,
that you're the most resistant to.
And tell us why you think you're the most resistant to it.
An area in dating you're most resistant to,
why do you think you're most resistant to it?
It could be setting boundaries,
don't want to lose them, the potential, yeah.
It could be making the first move.
Dropping the hanky, you're most resistant to that.
You've made up your mind, I ain't doing it.
Pacing because it feels so different and slow.
Oh my God, that is so good.
Physical attraction, I want to be able to be intimate
and enjoy it.
Okay, this feels the most...
Say that, friend, give a little, add some more to that.
Having to tell my life story,
making the first move, fear of rejection, hmm.
I'm telling that first move is something.
Ladies, I'm terribly sorry about my camera.
Anybody else, can you think of something
that's most uncomfortable?
Fear of rejection and fear of getting vulnerable
when we get to that point.
Oh, that's good.
Telling them my age and where I work.
Oh wow, okay.
What's the business with your age and where you work?
What's that about, Jessica?
Are they going to think you're too young
or you think they think you're too old or what is it?
Just that I look younger than my actual age.
Ah, okay.
People think I'm like 25, I'm like, no, I'm 36.
You do look like it.
Why is she worried about it?
She's just 26, it doesn't matter.
And then I work at McDonald's,
so that's kind of like judgment.
I think I feel like that's kind of what it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, being vulnerable, okay.
Friends, that's a good thing to have the age thing.
Oh, I don't know, I don't know.
Friends, that's a good thing to have the age thing.
Who programmed us as women
that we should be younger and never get older?
I'm going to find that person and do something about it.
I'm so serious.
Like women don't even tell their age.
Who told us this stuff?
Every woman does it.
I don't care where you from on the planet.
Good, good, good.
Thank you ladies for sharing.
I mean, I'm 29 again.
Thank you for sharing, all right.
And then I want you to,
oh friend, you're so freaking young, cut it out.
Oh my goodness, okay.
So this is how some areas when you're dating
can show up that need to be healed.
So let's say a date gets canceled.
How do you respond?
Or they didn't text back
in the amount of time you thought they should.
What does your nervous system do?
How do you respond?
Someone expresses interest.
How do you respond?
Do you get so super excited
and you go ahead and start planning your life with them
in your head?
Or someone loses interest.
How do you respond?
All of these things can tell us something about us.
There's a possibility of healing and growing.
I don't know, maybe that one about text
should have came back by now.
I have to literally make myself do something.
So that I would not be like, wait a minute.
Why you didn't text, it's an hour now.
You mean to tell me you didn't see my text
and you were doing good right before now?
You know, like sometimes I would,
they're like, that text back is like, what was the problem?
happening. I think even if it's like some of my close friends, I'll just pick up the phone call,
you didn't see my other texts. I see, did you see my text? If there's something I want to know,
and she'd be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Just feed into it. I'd be, okay, I'm going to text
right now. She ain't go and text me. But anyway, so these can tell us something if we're a little
more anxious or different things like that. And so, but when all of these things happen,
something is actually getting activated in you. Something deeper is happening. So fear that you're
being rejected, fear of abandonment, fear of not being chosen, fear of wasting your time,
or fear of disappointment. It's one of those, they kind of run together.
Like if you start freaking out, like it could be one of those you want to check them out. And
that's the good thing about dating because they didn't reveal these things. Okay. So the
temptation is to make the discomfort about the situation. What does that mean? That means they
should have texted me by now. That's just rude. Because if I told somebody I was going to do
something, I would do it. You just made the discomfort about the person. I had an interesting
conversation with a person and this is what happened. I told them that I was no longer going
to proceed talking with them because one of the things that I despise down on the inside of me
is if I ask you a question and you gloss over my question and you do not answer me.
There's something in me that gets triggered that I will tell you, forget you and your mama too.
Don't talk to me no more. Your mama, your sister, and your brother. I will delete your number and
it will be like you never even existed, especially if it's a man and if it's a pattern. So the first
time I was like, Hey, after they do all that talking. Yeah. So this was the question. Yeah.
So this was the question. And so I'll track and I said, I got upset. I was livid. I was like,
Oh no, this is done for. And so then this person says back to me, they were upset with me because
I keep asking why. And sent me an article on how why is the trigger word for people
and that why would trigger you to make you think if you had childhood trauma around why
all of these things like why. And then I should have asked the question by saying,
can you share more with me about that? Because why can be a trigger. Now this thing is true,
but why is not a trigger for me? And so I'm like, Oh, well, of course I'm like, I am so sorry. I
didn't even know you had this issue, but I'm saying, I'll let to say this, y'all both of us
were making each other responsible for our own triggers in our own wounds. So I tell you, let's
just, I'll use Sarah. I say, Sarah, you need to answer my questions because when you don't do
that, that really offends me. It feels like, cause what it makes me feel like is I'm not seeing her
to know that you can just forget about me. It doesn't matter what I say. I'm not important.
That's an inside job. That's a me thing. That's not a Sarah thing. Sarah didn't have to change
the way she talks to me to pacify my wounds. I need to go and deal with my wounds. Sarah has
the right to respond to me any way she wants to. Sarah has the right not to answer my question.
That's her right. And so I had the right to ask that person why that's their wound from their
childhood that gets activated. When I say why to them, why is a word? Are you hearing what I'm
saying? Are you, are you catching that? We both made each other responsible for
wounds and traumas when actually I need to go deal with that trauma in me because when a person
says certain things to me, I shouldn't get that upset. I shouldn't get so mad. I say, forgive you
and your mama too. That's a problem that I would get that livid that I would get that angry because
I feel so something that they did took me back to the little girl who wasn't seeing her to know.
It took me back to the woman where her husband always lied to her and she had to try to be an
investigator to find things out. It's just that quick, that thing took me back to that place.
And so now I tell the people around me how to behave to keep me at level, to keep me feeling
wrong. And so that's what I'm saying. So if we can connect it, we're making it about the
situation instead of understanding that there is an issue within us.
And that's not okay, but answering the question is rude, answering the question is just what
they decided to do.
But in your book, it's like, in our book it's rude, but that was their choice, right?
And at some point I have to give, now I come back by three or four times and say, Hey,
and there's different people.
When I find out that your intent is to, it's like you're intentionally, almost I feel like
you're trying to manipulate me, not in a coaching.
So don't ever think it about coaching.
That's totally different.
It's when I know, I feel like you're trying to avoid me because you don't want to give
me a particular answer or something like that.
So it wouldn't be this, it would be probably more like with a guy, it's not happening with
me with a female.
It's that trigger point.
That's why I said dating exposes things in you.
It's not the same.
When you start dealing with a man, that thing, it gets ignited.
So anyway, so we'll assign this comfort to the situation when it really is about us.
And we want to watch that.
Why we want to watch that, not to perform, but when you see it so that you can deal with
it properly.
Because when you get married, you ain't going to care.
You're going to probably act a fool if you don't get this stuff together.
Why are you going to do that?
Because you ain't worried about him going nowhere.
He married to you now.
And you're going to be like, whatever.
I don't care.
I don't know how y'all act, but that's me.
And so that's how I got.
I was already to level 450.
I said, look, I done had it up to here.
I'll give you dates and times every time you did it because it's a pattern and I ain't
putting up with it no more.
So anyway.
Bye.
But usually when these things happen, God is highlighting something different.
The same thing that happened with me, I found that after I evaluate the situation, we both
were making each other responsible to treat each other triggers, to coddle each other
triggers right now.
I can't speak for that person, but I can't deal with me and dealing with yourself.
I don't know about you ladies.
Has been one of the most challenging things for me in my life.
I will tell you this.
The more you deal with you, the more grace you'll have on other people.
The less you deal with you.
I know when people don't deal with themselves because when you don't deal with yourself,
you don't have grace for other people.
Your awareness is so low that you can't determine what it was required for a person to even
come through a process like this.
And so yes, dealing with me is the hardest part of dating so far because you really do
and I can't say this for everybody.
I'm going to speak for a few of us.
We really believe we're perfect.
It is absolutely nothing wrong with us.
Golly.
And if everybody else could just recognize that I'm right, I'm always right.
And if I am a little wrong, I'm just a little wrong.
Come on now.
Oh my goodness.
And so it's already this thing that has to get torn down in a woman's mind that she's
right.
And if everybody just did it this way, everything will be okay.
All right.
So let's see.
Have you ever heard somebody say, or if you've been married before, if you've been in a long
term relationship, have you ever said to a person or heard somebody say, you just bring
out the worst in me?
Have y'all ever heard that before?
Are you familiar with that thing?
Yeah.
I remember when I was, marriage truly is a mirror.
Jackie calls it God's maturity plan.
And so sometimes when we have these, yeah, you have these things, when you think about
getting married, especially you've never been married before, I know what you're thinking
about.
Eating pancakes at two o'clock in the morning, running around butt naked, slapping each other
on the butt, kicking and laughing and everything so wonderful and everything in the world disappears.
But it does not.
And so what happens is because marriage truly is a mirror, oh goodness, I got too wrapped
up.
I forgot what I was about to say.
It shows you your true self.
And I remember I said to my ex-husband one time, I said, you know, you bring out the
worst in me.
He said, oh, you were like this when you came to me.
I said, golly.
And I'm finna tell you, I was the most self-righteous person you wanted to meet.
And he would say to me all the time, he said, you think your problem is you think you know
everything.
You know what I would say in my head?
I know more than you.
And he said, you know what I would say?
He said, you think you're perfect.
And I would say, out my mouth, I would say, no, I don't.
But in my head, I would say I'm more perfect than you every time.
And I said, lord.
I'm just saying if I had to just tell the truth about myself and so a lot of us ladies tend to
there's a very much a possibility I'm trying to see if I can make my camera come back on but
anyway so um so we know that dating isn't creating the problem usually if a problem
arise I want you to practice asking yourself what's happening inside of me it doesn't mean
that this person is not doing something to cross the boundaries we're not talking about that don't
get that confused boundaries are boundaries foundations are foundations right we're not
looking for projects that's not what we're talking about but dating does give you an opportunity to
um to to grow more it really does okay we talked about that all warning signs are not
discomfort for growth when a woman has intuition and that's why it's so good to abide by your own
boundaries submit yourself to order so that when something is disrupted you will know where it's
coming from don't get so loose or get so gone away and if you do just get somebody you can
talk to to help you come back and I'm going to tell you something in your communities of people
that you talk to we're going to always be great that's what we're here for but I encourage you
even in so doing try not to choose someone who is also looking for a love story
try not to choose everybody to be in your group is somebody waiting on somebody a night and shining
armor to take them away does that make sense so it's two two sides to a coin when you do that
they're going to tell you you don't deserve that you deserve to be pursued and you deserve to be
this no he didn't say that to you I can't believe it and they may not evaluate you well
they may not be able to tell you the truth about what's happening on the inside of you
and then if this man is saying all the wonderful things that every woman wants to hear they may
not be able to tell you about pacing they may not be able to say to you like hey I think that's going
too fast because they also are looking for a fantasy and so that's why in your circle of
people that you come to and you run your checks by you need a variety of people I have a friend
bless her heart I love her but every time she thinks about me she writes a love story
and I just tell her I said that's a wonderful fantasized love story
but I don't agree with it and it breaks her heart I know that God is going to send you the most
amazing man Ebony and he's gonna this and he's gonna that you should hear it she should get an
Emmy for this love story she writes for me every time the difference is I've been married before
and I know things don't play out that way it's not that I don't believe God has good things for me
but she can't help it she's never been a bride before so she by right has this story and I'm
not gonna take it away but she can't help me uh uh she can't objectively help me
and so I don't give as much weight to what she's saying because she's already programmed in her
mind what it should be like I'm gonna give you an example of programming that we have
let's say you meet somebody and this person is a high earner it's gonna be a different type of me
and he works 16 17 hours a day and so before you met that man he carries high responsibilities high
up in his company before you met him you were used to talking to people who maybe were middle income
earners they worked their hours at work and they went home so they could text you good morning they
will call you in the evening for you that's a sign that they like you somebody like you they gonna
talk to you right so you're used to that they're checking in everything's going great but then you
meet this man who is a high earner and he works all these long hours and he can't talk to you as
much as a matter of fact he may text you every two days and when he does text you he says hi
he say let's schedule a phone call and then maybe y'all may go out once and then you may not
get a chance to go out with him again but he said that he likes you
now that's not how you probably envision that process going but you will have to have wisdom
to determine if i need to make adjustments of my expectations
because there's no way you can expect a person who works 16,
17 hours a day,
who makes the level of decisions they have to make in companies to show up and
talk to you like somebody who works a mundane job or a job that's
repetitive. And you may say, well, I'll do it. No, you wouldn't.
You ain't never lived that type of life.
Ain't nobody paying you $300,000 to make a decision.
You're not in the meeting in China and you're not getting flown out here and
flown out there and carrying the weight of the responsibility that people have
to process.
So I want you to think about that because you're going to date people who don't
fit the custom or the way that you think it should go.
And when you do, sometimes you think something's wrong with them.
You think they may not like you because it doesn't show up at your doorstep,
the way you designed for it to show up. And why am I saying this?
I'm saying this because I had to make adjustments.
I had to be like, Oh,
I didn't realize how program I had been to the normal way of doing something and
saying that my way was the right way. Are y'all tracking with me?
And they're going to be people that show up in your life and they're not going
to show up to date you the way you know, but it doesn't mean that when you date,
somebody who processes different from you, who thinks different from you,
dating an engineer is going to be different than dating a school teacher.
Their mind thinks different.
These people process totally different.
And so we have to be aware that we can meet people who don't process like us,
who don't think like us.
And sometimes that becomes a stumbling block for us because you told yourself
that this is the way that it goes.
And that's not true.
This is not void of mature marriage, man and masculine.
This is not bored of core foundational things.
This is just a different style.
And so at this point you start getting to know them.
You got to give yourself time to get the swing of it, right? Yeah.
I'm a little intimidated too.
You got to get yourself to get the swing of it, right?
Once you get the swing of it, then you can say, okay,
I see how this is flowing. You give yourself about three weeks.
You just about three weeks to get the swing of how they're flowing.
And then you can say stuff like, you know what? I really like connecting,
but I would like us to push to do a little bit more connection.
I know you're busy and I understand that,
but in order for me to feel safe in this process,
I'm going to need a little bit more communication.
Can we schedule something every two days to talk?
And you know,
I know that you send me a text message and I don't know how that works for you.
I'm not a big texter,
but if that's the best way you can meet at the day,
can we structure the texts where they're a little bit more than hey and bye,
but maybe in our texts, can you tell me how your day was going? Um,
maybe, um, why you haven't really been able to talk the last two days.
So you see, I don't do that the first week, the second week,
I wait till I get a swing or their pattern or what's happening.
And then I'll come in and make adjustments as necessary.
But sometimes before you can even get there, you're so uncomfortable.
Okay.
That is not going the way you thought it would go when a person likes you.
And you can try that rule. When somebody like you,
they're going to do this and they're going to do that. All of that is in,
it's with, it's true, but it's within, it's within exceptions.
It's within the person. I'm going to tell you something.
So I have a very tight schedule and there
was a time when I only talked to people on the weekend.
And rightfully so.
The only time I could squeeze the person in was when I got off work from my trip
from work to my next destination.
My free days didn't come up until Thursday and I wasn't ready to give it to
somebody because that's the day I used for something new.
I was developing or book that I was reading.
So I was scheduling my phone calls on Friday, Saturday or Sunday.
Now, if any person was talking to me like me, they would have been like, Oh no,
I ain't doing that.
I'm not going to text at work and I don't text when I'm at work.
So I'm at work from seven, six, something to four, something.
I will not text.
And the reason why I don't text is because I don't like it.
I do not like getting used to someone texting me.
And then when it's over, I don't get that text anymore.
I rather not grieve that. So I'm not going to start that.
I'm not going to be picking up my phone, looking for a text.
You just hang it up. I've been in game long enough.
I don't want that process. So I don't do it.
But somebody would think that, Oh, well,
she must don't like me. That was never the case.
Now the more I did like them, I would start making some exceptions. Okay.
Like, well, Tuesday right here on my way from work, can you fit in?
I've had guys to leave me. And it's like,
You too busy today.
And I'm like, I'm giving you the best I got.
And I really am available.
So that rule wouldn't work against what I was doing.
It's just because I was giving the best that I had.
I was showing up.
I was being fully there.
It's just that my schedule looked
different from somebody else.
So maybe that's a really good example.
I hope that I got you guys to see it.
That's not to say take somebody's less than best.
Give it three weeks.
Get the swing of things, even the fourth week.
Jackie says that the first week is the first month,
the first four weeks.
She says in her new book, I just read it,
is for like a kind of like discovery.
And then the second month is for clarity.
Last week, we talked about this.
It serves you best to stay curious
and not desire certainty.
For me, I can't speak for all of you.
But certainty is at the forefront of me.
I have to literally snatch it down to be curious.
I choose certainty because of things in my past.
It goes to three weeks top and they out.
But let me tell you something.
If you make it to second week after dating,
you'll be good to make it.
I don't know what it is about that second week.
You think you're going good.
You're going to wait to tell somebody
before you know everything went down here.
OK, but certainty is actually a trauma response.
Certainty is saying that I have to have something solid
before I move forward because I'm too afraid of what's
going to happen.
And so make certain.
But the truth is, it's a lie.
There is no certainty.
You don't even know this person.
And so that's when you have to become certain within yourself.
Certain that I am going to set boundaries.
Certain that I'm going to follow a certain protocol.
Certain that I'm going to guard my heart with all diligence
without putting up walls.
I am certain of that.
So when this ship do start to sink,
I am certain that you won't sink me with it.
That's what I'm certain of.
You tracking with me?
You have to have certainty that you carry within yourself
and stay curious with others.
And that is not easy.
And so what I want us to do, I want us to, first of all,
all of you know that this process that you're in right
now is very uncomfortable and discomforting.
Most of us want Amazon package at the door, including myself.
If you can see my hand, it will be waved.
I hear your heart in the matter.
I just have to tell you the hard part
that it ain't going to happen.
I've been trying to get it to happen, but it won't.
It hasn't happened.
So dating within itself is very uncomfortable
because you have to keep getting your hopes up.
It seems like over and over and over again.
And you keep having to feel like you're learning very hard
lessons.
If it's always the other person's fault
or you can't pull out anything for you to learn,
then something's totally wrong.
Not if it's always their fault.
It could definitely be that it didn't work out.
But if you can never find a lesson for you
in someone you dated, then something's not right.
There's always a lesson for you.
That's why it's called discovery dating.
If everybody you met was your husband,
that means you wouldn't have the best.
Because I'm telling y'all, y'all can go get a man to marry you,
believe it or not.
He just ain't the one you want to spend
the rest of your life with, OK?
And so that's why we're going to stay in the process,
no matter how uncomfortable it is.
So you're going to keep showing up.
You're going to keep asking questions.
You're going to stay vulnerable.
You're going to stay connected.
You're going to allow God to reveal things.
And you're going to take out some Band-Aids.
And you're going to stay teachable.
And I'm encouraging you to do what you've never done before.
The idea that you want something,
and when someone introduces a path that's different,
that'll stretch you to go that way, do it.
Don't oppose the thing because it's uncomfortable
or because that ain't the way you wanted to do it.
Well, clearly, your way don't work.
Let's try Jackie's way.
She got some pretty good results.
Are you tracking with me?
So there's no way you show up in a program
and don't want to do it the way the program does it
when you're the one who want a spouse.
And the person who designed the program
have married so many people.
So it's like it's in your best interest
to try it another way, even when it's uncomfortable.
because it will pay well for you.
And so that's what we want to talk about tonight.
Discomfort and understanding that I had an idol of comfort.
Everything was for comfort.
When I started evaluating my life,
there were things I didn't do just for comfort sake.
It's too hard, I don't wanna do all that, right?
So any questions about that?
Did it raise up any thoughts in your mind
in ways that you push things away
just because it was discomforting?
Some of us, when relationships start to take a turn,
someone put on there about being vulnerable,
they stop it right there.
Oh no, I'm not doing it, it's too uncomfortable.
You know, it's uncomfortable.
Being vulnerable is uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Breaking a relationship off is very uncomfortable.
You know that it is discomfort versus a standard
in being respectful.
Well, you have to measure what's the standard.
Yes, extremely uncomfortable,
breaking up is still uncomfortable.
Oh, you're not breaking it off or anything.
I would look at the standard.
I would look at what my definition of respect is.
I would look at the standard
that I believe that they're going against.
I remember when I was younger,
when the excitement died down,
I would take that as wonderful if I still liked them
or if I was just struggling to come down
off of the initial excitement.
Okay.
Oh yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Or if I was just struggling to come down
off of the initial excitement.
You're saying you're wondering if this,
what are you wondering, Shailene?
No, I just mean like when I was younger,
I just remember when that initial,
like first couple of months of,
like all the woohoo settled down
and like life settled back more into normal.
I used to wonder, do I still like him or not?
It's like, I would have a hard time telling the difference
between was I still interested or was I not interested?
Or was it just that I was struggling to land?
Like I had gotten so into the woo
and it was like hard to settle back down.
You know, like sometimes,
I just remember when I was younger,
I used to get stuck in that wondering, what was it?
You know?
Yeah, that's really good because it's true.
You know, something happens when that excitement died down.
You'd be like, do I even like this person?
That's how crazy that excitement level could be.
No, that was really good.
So friend, what is the standard?
What are you saying?
No, I always like to hear what you have to say.
I mean, I hold myself to a certain standard.
Like for instance, you were talking about responses, right?
And taking longer or shorter to reply to a text message.
I used to be the same way as you.
And then where I was like, during my workday,
I'm focusing on work, I'm not gonna answer messages.
But I changed that pattern just because,
I don't know where it came from,
but I got the awareness.
Maybe it's not a right awareness,
but I got the awareness that maybe that's why some people
become disinterested in me.
It's because I take a long time to reply to messages.
Right?
And now I make time during my workday
to check my messages and answer,
just to show that I'm here, I'm dedicated,
I'm taking you seriously, I'm interested in you.
It's not something that I take lightly,
just to show them my interest.
So for me, a standard would be,
if you take more than three days to answer me,
it means you're not really interested.
Because if you were interested,
you would make time to check your message and answer.
So for me, after three days,
sometimes if I really like the profile,
I would give it a week.
But after a week, if I don't hear from you,
it means you're not interested.
And so I just put you in the archive.
Oh yeah, no, no, no.
That makes sense.
You're talking about like on a dating app.
Yeah.
Oh no, no.
Yeah, I totally understand.
Okay.
No, no.
That's not being uncomfortable.
Like if a person wanted to reply to you, they would.
Now, sometimes people don't go on there.
So I don't keep an app on my phone
because it's too, especially like Facebook dating app.
And so somebody like me, sometimes
it will take me four days to respond
before I go back on there.
But they should totally go on about their business.
That makes sense.
No, there's nothing wrong with it.
That's not discomfort.
That's a standard.
And your other thing about if someone,
if you ask a question and the person don't answer,
which happens a lot on dating apps,
where you ask a guy a question and they reply to you,
but they don't address your question.
And you're like, are you paying attention
or are you just like sending a message just
to keep me hanging, just to show that you're still there,
but you're actually not engaging with me?
Like a lot of people do that on dating apps
where it's like I ask you a question
and you just like ignore the question.
Yeah.
And so generally what I do about ask a question
and you ignore it, I was like, hey, OK,
I just want to double back.
I asked you a question.
That's exactly what I say.
Let's double back.
I asked you a question and I really would like a response.
And when I send that back, I only send back that question.
It ain't nowhere around.
Like this is it right here.
So if you don't, if you, I know then you're
just trying to avoid it.
So if they don't, after that time, I just, I say,
I make a note in my head.
Oh, they're not wanting to answer the question.
The only time I get more worked up
is when I'm getting to know you more, right?
But no, you're right.
People can do that.
But and I will say this, ladies with guys,
just do one question at a time.
And use as few words as possible.
They're not really into answering all those questions
like that.
It ain't that they simple now.
Men are simple.
You'll find some really intelligent,
like really in-depth ones.
But I had a best friend.
He tells me all the time.
He said, Ebony, you a lot now.
You a lot.
I answer you because I love you, but you
require men to go into places that they're not
used to going to to have a conversation with you.
And he says, unless they carry a level
of emotional intelligence, that's just hard for them to do.
And so it's just too much work sometimes.
And I've heard men say that all the time.
And so as you grow with a person,
they get to know you better, and they will engage.
But sometimes it's best when you're first meeting guys
just to keep it as simple things, just a simple question.
And a lot of times, they'll definitely
talk more with you in person than they're
able to do over the app.
And it may take a couple of days.
But that's the difference between men and women.
Women, we're like spaghetti string.
Baby, we can loop around, come back around town,
go back over, and still land where we first started.
Men are one at a time.
That's so funny, man.
Pineapple on pizza, yes or no?
That's right.
Or straight to jail.
Oh, there's a difference between a person
who's really interested versus a man who's
just adding me to their roster.
And you know what's an interesting thing about noticing
a man who's really interested?
Because sometimes, hear this, we can
see a man is really interested if he calls us,
if he plans a date, and he does all this thing.
It's like, OK, he's showing interest.
Now, you remember, that is our blueprint for interest.
You hear me?
But then when month two come in, things
kind of start falling apart.
Or maybe they're not doing with the same enthusiasm
that they did before.
But you got another man who starts out very paced.
He's already said, hey, he don't want to invest too much
and lose.
He's coming from the same place you are,
so maybe he calls three times a week.
But he don't look like he's really interested in you
because you know, hey, there's a lot of work in you.
If a man like you, you're going to know about it.
And that is still true.
But sometimes, we can take our blueprint
and say, this is the way when a man likes you, he shows up.
But a man can show up that way and not even be marriage minded.
A man can show up that way and not
have no good intentions for you.
He can show up running out the gate like a thoroughbred
till you get halfway around the track
and you see he was not a thoroughbred at all.
And so that's why you have to give time to the process
because somebody can come out the gate running, baby.
They moving.
You thinking, they got it, they got it, got it.
They start giving out of breath, need a little water, break down.
And here go the one on the back end who was being paced
and taking his time.
And you were convinced because he didn't show up
like the so-called thoroughbred that he
wasn't interested.
And that's why it's good to ask really good questions.
And when you notice a pace that's different from yours,
say, hey, I noticed that you operate this way.
Could you share more with me about that?
I noticed we only talk a couple of times a week
or three times a week.
Is this lack of interest?
Or is this just how you usually do things?
And then that person is going to get to speak for themselves.
And if you like them, you can stay in the process
a little longer, and then that pace can make you slow down.
Their pacing will cause you to slow down.
And when you slow down, you'll be able to observe more.
But when somebody comes out the gate and is nice,
giving you flowers, good morning, good evening,
texting you, talking just like you like it,
it's going really good.
And then when something happens, you're like,
everything was going so good.
Because remember, that's the blueprint.
That's the program that we know.
And so all I'm saying is, let's be
mindful of when someone fits just into the program
the way we want it.
Let's not hang our hat on it and say,
this is it, because they did A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
I've had it happen quite a few times here.
I literally had a thought came to my mind when I said it.
And I really liked him.
He heard my little feelings.
So bad, he heard my feelings.
I'm just saying, he really did hear my feelings.
But it did.
It was like, golly, shoot, that stings.
Jesus, help me.
I had to pray in tongues behind there.
Like, you're going to have to help me today, Lord.
Woo.
So anyway, I hope this was good, ladies.
And I hope I didn't.
I hope we got to the place.
I'm so sorry, Sandy.
A breakup hurt.
Telling you, it just hurt.
Now, even before, do you remember when you were young
and you dated and your heart got broke?
It seemed like the world had come to an end.
Like, just stop it.
Just don't let the life, life cannot go on.
I don't know.
But discomfort, uncomfortability is our friend.
And don't run from it, ladies.
Listen, what you get to get right now,
if you embrace it fully, it is preparing
you to be a healthier version of yourself in marriage.
Because marriage is one of God's maturity plans.
And it is not easy by a long shot,
especially when you start to see a person's weaknesses
and you see your very own come to the surface.
And you can't run.
And you ain't got nowhere to go.
And you're going to have to deal with it.
And if you never want to deal with your nervous system,
you're going to have to deal with it now.
It ain't nothing like being anxious and anxious
and anxious until somebody says something.
They got to say one thing to make you feel better.
Now you feel better until it happens all over again.
Or a person showing up and not valuing you, not honoring you.
You may have liked them.
They may have said all the right things before you married them.
But there are things that you missed, that you did not see,
that you could have measured the fruit of their character
had you given it time.
Because it matters a whole lot when
you got to spend the next 50 years of your person who
does not see you, hear you, or doesn't
take interest to know you.
That does not feel good.
OK?
Yay.
All right.
What do we got tonight?
Go for it.
It all came up at the same time.
I don't know if Fran was first or Lou Ann was first.
I know Sarah was first.
She was first.
Go for it, Lou.
Yeah.
Hello.
Yay.
So I did start dating apps yesterday.
And it's a lot of work.
Oh, I'm in love.
Oh my goodness.
Pray for you.
Yeah, I started with Bumble.
Because I kind of did a profile on Facebook dating.
But I never really looked at it.
I don't know.
I never really put intention in it.
And it's so hard.
In Bumble, I'm only giving likes to whoever
gave me the like back.
But I'm not sure really how it works.
And then just right now as we're talking,
a guy that I actually know from the program I came through
in Tulsa was talking to me.
And I already know him.
So then I don't know.
It just gets uncomfortable.
I'm so scared of first dates.
And like yesterday, two of the guys were already like,
we're.
super close. We're gonna watch the game. Do you have to come
and join? And I'm like, what the heck? Like, I've exchanged like
three sentences with you. Like
I know.
This is so hard. And then they're bots, bot accounts that
you know, I easily spot them because I don't know how they
phrase it. And like, they've they say something that's very
chat GPT like and then whatever you answer, they already asked
for your number.
Yeah, it's confusing.
Yeah, it's so and it's giving me such tension to think of a
first date. I don't know.
So that means we need to explore why you're tensed about having a
first date. Because it's not them that's making you tense
about a first date. So what do you fear about first date?
That's the question. What am I fearing about this first date?
So much I think I've embedded in my head that is so hard to have
to tell my whole life story, especially now that I'm 39. It's
like, I've lived through so much and I got here. Yeah. And then
having to hear all that too. It's like, Oh my goodness. Yeah.
Well, maybe not go anywhere. That's that's why.
Why do you think you have to? I'm trying to move the camera
off so I can look at you at the same time. But this is really
challenging to do. I added a different camera. Anyway, what
do you think is a why do you think that says I'm out of your
full life story? Where do you get that from?
I mean, I know not on a first date, obviously, but
not on the second, not on the third, not on the fourth, not on
the fifth. So where are you? Where's this coming from? You're
not going to tell it on any of those dates. So it's just I
think, because I've shared that, like I, I married my first
boyfriend and stuff. And haven't been doing this. For me, like
there's so much at stake right now. Like, it's so different.
I'm very outgoing. And I meet people all the time. And I
really don't care. And I'm genuinely myself. But then, when
it's this. Yeah, it's just so different. I'm like, what do I
wear? What do I do? How do I sit? How do I say hi? I really I
literally don't know.
What do you think is gonna so what's probably driving all of
these I don't know, is what you fear. So when you say what am I
gonna wear? What am I gonna wear? Do you fear that you're
going to wear something that's not pleasing? Do you have an
issue?
I do. Because I gained 40 pounds.
So it's not that dating I lost 20 so far, which is yeah. But I
still have 20 to go.
So your issue is you're not comfortable in your body right
now.
True.
True. So the issue is not dating.
The issue is you believe the issue is you believe that your
past story identifies you. But that's not true. That's not your
identity. You believe that somehow they need to know this
about you. The reason why you may believe they need to know
this about you is because you believe is who you are. It's not
It's not who you are.
That's an experience you had.
And it's your experience to share or not to share. But when
you believe it's your identity, you believe it's required of you
to share so that they can make a decision about you.
You've already made a decision about you, that you're
overcomer, that nothing held you back, that you keep moving
forward, because that's who you are.
Even if you got super close to them, you didn't owe them that.
The things, the matters of your heart, Lou, don't need to be
exposed to anyone but somebody that you, after y'all have gone
exclusive, and you guys are going through a counseling
process of some sorts. You don't give away your treasures to
anyone. Your experience is not a slash against you. It shows who
you
really are and what you're made of. It shows that nothing by any means can hold you down,
that you come back stronger and better.
You see? And so these are not things that you just throw out to someone who doesn't know your heart.
They need to know you because if you throw it out without a person knowing you, absent of knowing
you, then that's when you get judgmental thoughts in because they don't know you.
So they don't have the correct measuring tools when it comes to that. And that's why you don't
willingly share those things. That's not you trying to hide. That's wisdom.
Got you. But then I'm raised in a different culture and I think we're
louder and more emotional and we share a bunch. And I'm not used to these shallow questions like,
what pizza do you like? What book do you read? Because it's like, I'm not that one person. I have
moments in life, like right now I'm building a business, so I'm reading a lot about starting
a business. So I'm reading a lot about startups and biographies, but I could read novels. I had
moments where I was super into history and all history stuff mattered. So I'm having a lot of
difficulty with these like, bum, bum, bum, kind of like, you're this, you're this, you're like this,
you're like that, you do this, you do that. Does that make any sense? That makes me so
uncomfortable. Yeah. So it sounds like you're saying you struggle with your communication
skills. And somehow you believe that if you don't talk about things that are more personal,
that you're on surface level. And that to know a person, you have to talk about things that are
intimate details to their life. Or that's what you choose to talk about. Because that is you,
that means this other thing is surface level in these intimate things. That's what, you know,
I'm that type of person. I like to talk about deep things, maybe. I think that really is who I am.
Because I really struggle with a question like, what do you like to do? I mean, a bunch of things.
I can't think, I can't be like, oh, listen to music. Like, that's, that's not me. I'm not just
that. So this is the thing. So then now what your journey is going to be is going to research
questions that are appropriate for getting to know a person. Because the truth is, you believe it's
not you. But what it is, it's not wisdom, Lou. That's not wisdom. It's not wisdom to share
intimate parts of who you are with a stranger and call it death. That's not death that lacks wisdom.
Because that's not how it works. No matter what culture you're from, you're going to have to
adopt a different culture. And just because it's your culture doesn't make it healthy.
Because in no means do you get in front of a stranger, even if it's one month and two months.
Because once you start exchanging intimate things about your life, you create an emotional
attachment. It's almost no way around it because you brought them into your bedroom.
And I've used this example before, and I want you to think about this thing.
When somebody knocks on your door and they're selling satellites to go on top of the house,
those solar panels, and you go to the door, do you open door and say, come on in. I'm just
going to use the bathroom, but follow me back here. That's what you do when you meet somebody
and you bring them into your bedroom, you bring them into your bathroom, you bring into the most
intimate spaces of your house. They're a stranger. They have to stay at the door and talk to you
through the crack because you don't know what's going to happen if you let them in your house
because you don't know them. This is called wisdom. And so what-
Okay. So can I take a step back? I'm not sharing or oversharing or hoping to overshare.
What I mean is I don't enjoy those conversations and I struggle with
just simplifying those things because I find that I'm not being genuine. Is that more of what it is?
I know what you're saying, but you identified yourself in such a way that you believe
that intimate questions are right. You believe that this is who you are. It's just because you
haven't developed your other communication skill. I enjoy asking-
I don't ask surface level questions.
I don't talk about surface level things.
I wouldn't say I'm a surface level.
I can do high and bad, but people are so vast.
There's so many different things.
So let's say right now you into business.
You can ask a question.
You ever started a business before?
If you could start a business,
what type of business would you start?
That person may say, you know what?
I've always wanted to run an ice cream shop.
Really?
What made you say ice cream shop?
Like this is a real conversation
and you're actually getting to know
about some of their dreams.
They may say, when I was little,
I really want to do an ice cream truck.
When the ice cream truck used to come
through the neighborhood, I used to ask my mom for money
and I would run out and dah, dah, dah, dah.
And then you start learning all these things about them.
If they're funny, if they're fun.
This has nothing to do, this is just a conversation
that I just popped up at the top of my head.
Nothing boring about that.
I so want to meet someone
that wants to open an ice cream shop.
Now I want that happening.
But it's not that you want that,
it's that you are interested in business
and you're learning that they have an entrepreneur mind.
So the problem is your spectrum is not stretched enough
because you say right now you're learning about a business.
And if you're talking to somebody
and you ever wanted a business minded man
and you ask that question and you begin to hear
he does have the heart of an entrepreneur,
you can go back to your little list and make a check.
And then he may can talk to you
about a book that he read.
It started with the memory.
It started with the questioning.
If you could start any kind of business,
what would you start?
But it opens up more to you about that person.
So I use the ice cream truck, but it could be anything.
I've always wanted to do a snow business in my small town.
It's the same as ice cream.
So, you know, you call it what you want.
You don't have the language or the files to pull from
to be able to produce this type of communication.
And so what you wanna do is you wanna go to chat GPT or AI
and ask them like, I have this whole list,
month one to first 30 days,
what type of questions would you talk about?
And they're not boring.
Next 30 to 60, taking you from level to level.
And when you see those questions,
it starts training your brain like,
oh, okay, that's interesting.
Oh, you can do this.
You could do that.
And so that deals with that.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
All right, next person.
So I have a question.
So when you match with someone,
you really like their profile.
Like from what you're saying on the app.
And then after three days, they ask for your number.
For me, I feel like it's really soon.
Like, I mean, we only exchange just a few pleasantries
and then you're asking me for my number.
Typically I tell them that I'm not comfortable
and most people are okay with it,
but I wonder like, is it a good strategy?
Like, is it?
Like, what do you say to those people?
Because I'm very skeptical too
of those people who ask your number really, really fast.
Like, I feel like it might be a scam
or someone who just wanna play.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I think what you're doing is fine
and people do receive it very well.
But I will tell you, I myself am a very,
this is not, this is Ebony, this is who I am.
I move quickly.
Meaning I'm not gonna talk to you more than two days.
I don't have time to come into a data app and text anybody.
So I am a more quickly moving person.
So by the second day, if they haven't said anything,
especially if it's some heavy communication
and you're trying to go back and forth
and learn all this stuff, I'm like pretty much,
I was like, hey, these are all really great questions.
I am interested in getting to know you
a little bit better and we can talk about these questions.
If you would like, we can exchange numbers
and set a time to talk.
That's me on day two.
So I don't have a, only time somebody can move really fast
for me if I say hi, and you know how they do,
here's my number, call me.
You'll be like, no, bro, that's not gonna happen.
That's a little too quick.
Like, hello, here's my number.
I don't do it that quickly.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with you
on the third day saying,
hey, I'm not comfortable with that yet.
But I like to have, personally,
so we kind of teach you within the week
you want to have a date.
And so I rather, and you don't have to give a person
your number to pull that out either.
You know like if you want to give a Google number you're not ready to give them access like that
You can say hey
I'm enjoying getting to talk to you on the app and
Then you come down to a week and you do want to meet them. You could still go out for coffee
I don't know if I answer your question friend, but I do know the first part of my answer was
There's nothing wrong with it. That's your pacing
But I wouldn't go longer than a week
Hmm, I think I would lose interest. I I've never talked to anybody for a week on a dating app
Really? I don't know. What would we talk about? Okay. I don't for it bothers me to talk to a person
I don't know them like I can't see them. So my first order of business is when I exchange numbers with you there
I'll say hey, I'm gonna send a text. Are you okay with me saving your number? Let's schedule a FaceTime
That's what I say, it's just hard for me to talk to a person I've never seen you before
It's like it's weird to me. And so I am very like let's get some face
Even if for a minute, I just need some face
Like I don't know what maybe other people also are you know?
encountering this
but like I'm afraid of the 90-day fiance type of trope and
I feel like a lot of the people that get really excited and want your number right away
Often and I mentioned that a little bit, you know last last week
People that are new to the country very new where maybe they don't have their work permit situation
Sorted out or like, you know, like you never know
So I'm really like for me it's a it's a yellow flag if not a red flag
But it's something that makes me pause and be like I need to be very careful because you just arrived in the country
You're very new. What are you looking for?
What can you add to a relationship when you're still figuring out things for yourself?
You know what? I mean? I'm not 25 or 28 anymore. I'm 36. So I don't have time to
Support or
Accompany someone who's figuring things out and they're not even sure that there can stay in the country for longer or whatnot. So
Yeah
I think I've never I don't say never but I don't believe I've encountered a lot of people like that
and so that's not something that I think about but
Nothing wrong what you're saying? I think that yeah
I mean, I don't get a little nervous, but I'd be afraid to say this like if they're not from this country
I'm like, oh you're from something. I'd be want to be like, well, look how long you been here?
Are you a citizen because then I do get a little nervous
Like are you like?
It's don't like can I say this so I'm like, are you how long have you been in USA?
Can I see your documents like can you say that to
And
Then sometimes I try to be real my listen I'm a little nervous because they say sometimes
You'd be so funny, but I do say I try to keep the same face
Like what you are you trying to like deal with me so you can get citizenship and they get offended
But I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to dance around it and I need to know
Because you know, you're asking me and I just like they axiom they shouldn't be talking it like they'd be singing a song for me
And I'd be having to get hold to this stuff. I'm like, let's straighten this stuff out
What do you want?
The Nigerian me and my word, what do you want sir?
Go ahead
So, thank you for answering that's helpful
So, okay, I'm not just being paranoid I'm like, okay, that's good and then that person that I'm talking to they're new to the country
There were four five years from what they say in the United States and now they move to
Canada and it's been just a year that they've been here and
On the profile it says CEO and CEO can mean anything to be honest. I
Doesn't mean that you are a high earner
Like you could be someone that you know has a business where it's a one-person business and you go to people's houses and you clean
you know
You yeah, you you do house housekeeping and cleaning or yard, whatever
work
so that's what they put on their profile and I'm like, I
Talked to my brother and my brother is like that's a red flag. Why would you put CEO?
On your dating profile, so I wanted to have your input as well. Like should I take it as a red flag?
I don't know if it's a red flag, but I will tell you if somebody was a real CEO
They generally wouldn't put that because they wouldn't want to attract people
So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna put it as a red flag
black women who just want money from them.
I don't know if it's a red flag, but I will tell you if somebody was a real CEO
And so I would just say, you know, I talked to,
They generally wouldn't put that because they wouldn't want to attract people
so tell me more about your company.
I would just see, you know, what would they say?
Because I can't say that it's a red flag,
but it's an interesting thing
because I don't see it that way.
And so, you know, when people put those types of things
on their, you know, put that, you know,
I have this awareness, like you said,
well, that really doesn't mean anything.
I mean, like you literally can own your own loan company.
It's nothing wrong with it, but it's true.
It's not that you're such a high earner
or they put it at my own business.
Well, what kind of business you got, buddy?
I learned the hard way, five years or more.
So I learned the hard way
that the people were saying something.
And then when we got to talk after a couple of months,
I realized that, well, your business is actually you
going and like cleaning houses.
So that's your business.
And I'm like, which is why, like,
I talk about, you know, wanting someone that matches me
because I've had experiences, you know,
where it's like, what are you doing?
So that's also why I have that in mind.
And another question, that's my last question, I promise.
Should I put on my profile that I am a manager
because I feel like it can also attract those people
who are looking for whatever,
especially because I'm over 35 now.
And so people might think, oh, she's old.
She doesn't have kids yet.
She has good money.
She might just want like someone just for comfort
and attract those types of people
that want to take advantage of you, so.
No, you don't have to put that on here.
You can put anything on there.
I mean, Edwin, she just said
she didn't put her profession on there.
I used to not put it,
but I wasn't attracting the level of guys that I wanted.
So I was like, I need to put it out there
so people know that I'm educated.
Like, you know what I mean?
I have a good job.
And then now I feel like it's just like a circle,
like the dog biting their tail,
because I'm like, now I put that now,
but I'm not attracting the type of guy
that, you know, would match this.
So it's just like, I'm not sure what to do, to be honest.
I will tell you, I wouldn't put as much weight on it.
And I'm going to tell you why.
Men who are marriage-minded, mature and masculine
usually are not as invested in what that woman does
because he's prepared to care for her.
Generally a man who is of a certain level,
I've had men tell me,
I really don't care if you work or not.
True, I don't really.
They didn't care what I did.
They didn't even read my profile,
but they genuinely, they were that of level
that it didn't matter much to them.
But when, of course, you know, I have degrees
and so that's on there too.
So you already know you're dealing with an educated person
because on Facebook dating, you put your degrees on there.
Like if you have master's or all these degrees.
But I think that you can put it,
or you can use other words,
or you can put the name of the company
or something similar to that company
because you'll get a chance to talk to that person.
You know, so you can put something else there.
Okay.
I also put it because I was like,
they know that I have a good job.
They know I'm not a gold digger.
So it appeases the type of men that matches my,
I think education, you're right.
Education should be enough
and then I don't have to go into more.
Yeah.
And I wouldn't,
yeah, I wouldn't give a lot of weight to that.
Not like that.
I think you should just let your education take care of it.
Don't give a lot of weight to that.
Okay. Sounds good.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Go for, I think it's Sarah.
Hi.
It's been a long time.
I know.
Speaking of work and jobs,
I've been trying really hard for a promotion,
haven't been dating and I just got it last week and,
Woo!
Thank you.
But at the same time,
might be dating again now with a guy from work
and I've got, I don't know.
I've got a list of questions,
but I'm just going to keep it really short into one.
I think one.
So this guy started new in my department
and now we're the same level before he was above me, but.
And we don't, like, report to each other any of that, but we're in the same department, just on different teams.
And I thought I had noticed, like, we were kind of flirty at work, like, I think he's super attractive.
We've been hitting it off, like, just talking about work stuff, but, like, a little, like, some good eye contact, that kind of thing.
Anyway, over the weekend, he liked me on Bumble, and I let it sit for a while until last night.
I returned the like, and, anyway, I didn't say anything yet, because I have one of those openers where they can respond first.
You know, normally, emails have to, anyway, he hasn't said anything, but we were almost out of time.
And so, just, like, right before this call, I said, you know, you look familiar.
And he, I don't know, he hasn't answered, and I'm just, like, a nervous wreck about this, because I don't know.
Like, again, like, I could be way misreading this whole what I thought was flirting at work, and what if he doesn't respond, and I have to see him at work.
I'm all over the place. Excited, but nervous, and probably overthinking a lot of it.
But, I also don't know enough about him. I don't even know if he's a Christian.
I don't know any of these things, but, and we were talking earlier about, you know, do you make stuff up in your head?
And, yes, I've already planned our marriage, but I just, there's so, I know we're getting married, but there's so, I don't know anything about this man yet.
Anyway, there's a whole lot more detail I could add. I'll stop there.
I don't know what my question is. I'm just nervous and excited, and what do I do if he doesn't respond tonight?
Listen, when you get to work, say, huh, you decide to join me on Facebook. What's the dating app called?
Bumble.
Walk up to him. You go see him first. Don't hide. Say, oh, you join me on Bumble, huh? Did you know you match with me?
Very fun and exciting. He's like, oh, yeah, I was intentionally doing that.
Well, how about we grab a cup of coffee and see if we're a good fit before we fall out on this job?
Ebony, you're way bolder than me. Okay. You're right, though.
What happens when you do this, it's going to put you in control.
It's going to put you in a position to make it sound friendly.
And let's grab a cup of coffee because what we're not going to do is fall out on this job because we didn't date well.
So let's go hang out and see what we have in common.
When you sit down, if you get to create the way you want instead of him saying, oh, I saw you match back.
Like, make it like that. Like, I don't know. I don't know the word for it.
But you get to put your playfulness in it. You get to add the energy that you want.
So the reason why you're doing it, you're investing in winning with it doesn't work out.
Okay. And you sit down, listen, say, so because I don't want to spoil a great working relationship,
I'm just going to run through some questions that I would not normally ask a person on the first date.
Do you believe in Jesus and how? Oh, man, you know, I'm really a preacher.
So let's just get to know each other. You know, right.
So that's when you get to get that fun bounce and you get to show who you are like that,
because I don't want you feeling some type of way when you go to work.
And you got to keep it light and fun when you do these questions.
I'm going to let's do some checks so we won't have no issues. Yeah. Yeah. OK.
You could do it. Thank you. What was it?
I think for now, I'm still waiting on him to respond. OK, so congratulations.
Thank you. You're welcome. OK. Oh, Bunny, Miss Bunny.
Hi. Hey, how's it going? Well, remember last week I said yes.
Well, I think he's a catfish. He has been love bombing me for a week.
OK. And I said, when was it? Sunday night.
I texted him and I said, I think we ought to have lunch.
What's good time for you? Well, now he's four hours away.
I don't think he's even real. All his responses were perfect.
Answering everything I said in a really loving way.
And the last time he texted me on Sunday early in the day.
sent me another picture and he's blowing a kiss.
Oh, man.
Like that.
Oh!
Yeah.
And I mean, it has been cohesive
from the first sentence, okay,
that we connect on everything just about.
And I think that's AI, I really, really do.
So then I was trying to see, validate his picture.
I had five pictures of him.
And so three of them, I tried to validate
through a couple of different things.
One of them was Google image.
I forget the name of the other one for his face.
It would diagnose his facial features,
but there is no other pictures of him anywhere.
And so I think he isn't real,
but also I looked him up on Truthfinder
and Intellius, I think it's called,
and one other,
and they can't find anything for this name
at that age in that city.
Okay.
And so I really think he's fake.
So then Sunday night, I'm asking, let's have lunch.
We've been texting one to three times a day up to then,
and I have heard zero since then.
And I did it to flush him out
because what's the point of continuing if he's not real?
And if he's not real, he will not want to meet up with me.
Right.
That was a good one.
That was really good.
Yeah.
So that's what I did, but I'm sad.
I know.
I was very much excited about this person
until I started thinking, you know,
I'm not so sure about this.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
It was too perfect.
He's awesome, but he's not real.
So anyway, and I'm on several dating sites
because I'm nervous probably.
I was signing up for different ones
and I have zero anybody to date so far.
Yeah.
So I can't do anything.
I know.
Well, yeah, I'm sorry.
It's probably my age too, you know,
because I'm looking through men at my age,
I look at them and think I could not even consider
kissing them ever.
So I'm X-ing, X-ing, X-ing.
Yeah, I know.
These people that I think are just,
I mean, they look 100 to me, age 100 to me.
They just look, no, thank you.
And so then I'm looking at upper 60s
and because I'm 78, so it's really pushing it.
And I showed my daughter this one picture
and she says, wow, he's too young for you.
I'm thinking, well, I get it because her husband's 62.
You know, and she's upper 50s.
So, I mean, I understand,
but I don't think most of the people my age
are attractive at all.
Yeah.
Men seem to age a bit harder.
Yeah, yeah.
They do.
And when they go on to the other side of their age,
they do, really, they go out with a bang.
I'm telling you that right now.
You'd be like, golly, what happened?
Golly.
Yeah, so no, and I told her, I'm so sorry it was a bot.
I don't know if you saw LouAnna's message,
but she said she had been getting a lot of messages
from LouAnna's message,
but she said she had been getting a lot of them.
And I'm gonna tell you something too, Ms. Bunny.
It is very common.
It is common when you're older,
but it is common across the board.
Like lots of people with scammers, you know,
and so it's not just you,
so I don't want you to think of that and you know.
Right, I know.
Yeah.
I do.
learned something I wanted to share with everybody though.
Because of this, I took my computer in
to a place next to my church where I know the people.
And I said, will you make sure I have nothing malicious?
You know, from his pictures and email.
So they were checking it and there isn't,
so I'm glad of that.
But I asked them, is it possible for AI
to be on a video in real time?
And it is possible.
And they told me how you can find out
if you're talking on a video to someone you think
might be AI and ask them to put three fingers
or four fingers up by their face.
Okay.
And I can't handle that.
They can't do it.
Oh, that's good.
They can do this.
But they can't put it to their face.
Right.
Oh, that's good.
I thought that would be helpful.
That is helpful.
You're right, they can do a video
because I remember this, a scammer said,
for some reason I'd like to go to WhatsApp too,
but this guy was a scammer.
And then he wanted to do a video and he did,
but it was AI.
It was, yeah.
And so then you aren't sure.
I mean, you think you are talking to a real person then.
Yeah.
And you're not.
You're not.
Yeah, Jackie has talked about this before.
And I don't know if you saw one of the comments
in the chat from Lovetta.
And she said, don't worry,
we haven't found anyone to date either.
You said, like, I was like,
have y'all ever looked at your phones?
Like, man, my phone's so dry.
Look in the data app, don't nobody wanna talk to you.
You'd be like, golly.
It's not just you, trust me,
you're in the company of the greats.
Hard to be patient, but what can you do?
I know, this is that uncomfortable.
And then sometimes, before you know it,
they be flooding you.
And then by the time you think you got some good fish
on the line, all of them been and got your bait
and ran out.
You'd be like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.
I'm sure that's where I'm just not there yet.
Yeah, but it's gonna,
it's, dating apps are very,
what do they call it?
Like, it's a ebb and flow.
Yeah, cyclical.
Yeah.
Cycles.
Yeah.
Well, good, I'm glad you found out
and I'm glad you asked me.
But you know, even though it was a bot,
I'm glad you had one good week of chatting
with the perfect person.
Hey, it feels good, it's nice.
You needed to feel that again.
Oh boy, it was exciting.
Yes.
I didn't remember how I felt that way before.
I mean, I know, but it's just been a long time.
And I'm so proud of myself
because I did not share anything with him that I regret.
Yeah.
That's good.
That's so good.
I can walk away from that and be good.
Yeah.
Good, thank you for sharing this, honey.
Okay.
Awesome, awesome.
That's so good.
Nikki.
Hey, Nikki.
We miss you, Nikki.
I hope she talks to us.
Did she leave?
Bye.
Hello?
We can hear you.
Can you hear me?
It probably sounds like I'm looking at you
because I got this other camera
and I have to keep adjusting it.
How are you?
Good.
I finally got on a dating app, Facebook Dating.
Yeah.
And I did it before,
like maybe I tried it like four weeks ago,
but it didn't go through.
So it just went through on like Sunday.
Yeah.
I got like two responses
and I wanted, they're not like in their bio,
it doesn't say that they're Christian.
It doesn't say anything about being a Christian.
So.
i was wondering should i just ignore them yeah uh just ask them tell them your faith
is really important to you and you'd like to know their thoughts about faith
okay my faith in jesus is really important to me can you share with me your thoughts about faith
are you a believer of jesus or in jesus okay yeah or you can just leave it open in and say can you
share your thoughts with me about faith and then they don't give you enough information and it's
like yeah i think faith is a big deal so oh really um what church do you attend or you know
what taste what church do you attend on a regular basis
right so then you have to follow up do you go all the time no what church do you attend on a
regular basis this is my profile i said i go to church like every sunday they probably didn't read
it i've talked to some of the most some of the greatest of men they did not read my profile i
mean like i put it on my profile but you should ask because just because they don't have at least
it doesn't mean that they're not a believer okay yeah i'm excited for you yeah because i tried um
online dating like maybe five years ago yeah and it didn't like work out
and i had like a really bad experience and i got scared so yeah and um
this is really new and i haven't dated in very very long time since i was in college so
yeah it just is pretty new i'm just saying that i think all of us have been in that boat of some way
of another yeah and i wanted to ask um what are the requirements to move to phase three
three you just wasn't um you've been in this phase probably about more than six weeks huh
four to five weeks yeah yeah just shoot an email to admin and just tell them to move you to phase
three tell me you want to move to phase three okay yeah um i don't think i went through all the um
videos well you can you don't have to have completed the videos to go to phase three
um but it will be it will serve you well to finish them because you're not gonna get those
videos over there but if you have time i would encourage you um especially like divine feminine
it'll be really good for you to watch divine feminine and it'll be really good for you to
watch your boundaries yes i'll have more time now that yeah my schedule is gonna change this week
okay but yeah you can go without watching those videos okay yeah and is it um and the dating app
is it okay to use like a nickname like no not your real name yeah yeah
at least up front yeah no you can use a nickname i know i've seen lots of guys use nicknames on
dating apps it makes a good conversation starter because you can say well okay so your name is
sunshine no you think like what's your real name and then you can tell them your real name okay
yeah because so so there's a flip side to this so you in your mind you're thinking um
let me move this camera over so i can at least kind of almost look like i'm looking at you
i am looking at you just don't look like it to you um you may think to yourself like hey
i don't want um you to know my real name okay if i talk to somebody and i don't talk to people i
don't know their real name i'm not finna sit up and talk to somebody and i don't know your name
to me it's crazy to me right and so i just want you to know it's two sides of the coin
like you think it's maybe maybe i don't know what you're thinking security for reasons i just don't
want you to know my real name yet and then the other person's thinking well i can't even know
your name i really don't want to talk to you and so if you do do a nickname and somebody asks about
your name be prepared to share it an answer that says i don't think i'm ready to share my name with
you yet can feel a little scammish it makes sense yes okay just just making sure you get you like
do that like if i change numbers with a person uh when i change the numbers
and it takes, I ask for their last name.
I'm not comfortable talking to a person
I don't know your full name.
So I went and met a person in a restaurant
I don't know your full name.
No, no, not me.
I'm not doing that.
Do they give you, do they usually give you their last name?
Yeah, but you know, men are different from women.
Men don't have a reason to fear
what a woman would do to them in that sense.
But I usually say, hey, my last name is Jones.
What's your last name?
I'm gonna save your information in my phone.
I had this guy one time, I was like,
why would I give you my full name?
I was like, because you wanna hold a conversation with me.
Then he says, I'm not doing it.
I said, I understand, it's your right.
And that was the last time we talked.
Cause to me, why would I talk to somebody
that I don't even know your full name?
Like it just don't, it don't add up.
So both sides thinks it doesn't add up, you know, right?
Like maybe he thought I was gonna research him
or something, but I wasn't, but.
I just, I was like,
you got some kind of record or something
that you don't wanna give somebody your last name?
What you trying to hide?
Like, ooh, ah.
But yeah, but it's nothing wrong with using a nickname.
People do it all the time.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm excited for you.
Thank you.
You're looking like,
oh, this is the scariest thing in my life.
Yeah, I'm more open now.
Oh, good, good, good.
Perfect, well, keep us updated.
Okay, will do.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Laura.
Oh, okay.
I'll try and be quick.
So anyhow, Wade and I have been dating
and I did have the conversation with him,
I don't know, like two weeks ago
about like increasing like communication
and that has improved some.
And so my question is, he hasn't initiated,
so we've been dating for like almost two months now,
whatever, and he hasn't initiated the conversation
about whether we wanna go exclusive,
which I don't wanna have that conversation either
cause I'm still trying to like increase my dating pool
or whatever, cause it's just been him still.
Whatever.
And so I wanna have more dating like experience
before I go exclusive with him,
if that's like what, yeah, the Lord has for me, so.
Yeah.
Well, I think that's good
that you want more dating experience
before you go exclusive with him
and you still have time.
Now, I believe that once you get around
the three month mark, you guys need to start
to shape finding something.
Yeah, and I actually leave tomorrow
cause I'm going to Taipei for like 10 days,
so I won't be in contact with him for like 10 days as well.
Well, so count like, if I say 90 days
and you know that you're gonna be gone
somewhere for 10 days and you won't talk,
then you add that on to the time.
Like, cause you wouldn't have had
the same amount of experience.
Got it.
Right.
Okay, sounds good.
Okay, good.
Excited for you.
And good job on speaking up.
Yeah, I mean, I know like-
You said he would agree?
You said he agreed?
Yeah, I mean, he did make a comment
that like, cause he has also been divorced
for like eight years or whatever.
And he like, he made a comment that like,
that it's like easy to get in like to habits.
Like he, cause he hasn't been like in a relationship
for like a long time either.
And so, but like, I kind of like take a step back too.
So like, I'm waiting for him to like step up.
So, yeah.
So-
Oh, good.
So y'all are communicating more?
Yeah, I mean, it has been more
since I had the conversation, so yeah.
Is it to your satisfaction?
Well, I also like can be critical of myself too.
Cause like, I'm like, I didn't initiate like anything today
but like, I've been like super busy,
like getting ready to like go out of the country
like tomorrow.
And he knows that I'm leaving or whatever.
So yeah, but I mean, we texted last night or whatever
and that was like it, so.
Okay.
And you're happy with that?
Well, like.
But then like, I'm like, I didn't reach out to him at all myself today either.
So I'm just...
I hear what you're saying, but you're not really answering my question.
So a couple of things could be happening.
You cannot be satisfied with it.
You could not be reaching out to him either, but you actually could be not reaching out
to him because you fear that he doesn't really want to talk to you.
Because if he did, you may be thinking he would have reached out to you.
And so because of that, you draw back and don't do it as much either.
That's a real dynamic.
And so that's why I'm asking you, are you comfortable with this?
Are you pleased with this?
Does that make sense?
What I just said?
Yeah.
It does.
Yeah.
I'm not totally pleased with it.
Because I would have wanted him to reach out today to just have a short phone call or whatever
to being that I am going to be gone for 10 days.
And so one of the things you can do since he said he had to get back in the swing of
things, you can start working to create the type of culture that you want and to see if
he grabs a hold to that.
So that's not forcing, but it is removing you from the fear of rejection.
Because maybe you don't feel safe reaching out to him first.
Because maybe you feel like he's going to reject you.
I don't know what laws are working you, what blueprint is running through you right now.
But you can reach out and say, leaving for tomorrow.
I just wanted to reach out to you before I left.
And yeah.
And then what happens when you do that, that says to him, oh, she wanted to hear from me
before she left.
Right.
Yeah.
But if you have thoughts like, well, if he would have reached out to me, he knows that
I'm leaving.
I would want him to do that.
But he didn't.
So do you want to reach out?
Do you want to make a connection before you leave or you don't?
Those are the things you have to start.
That's the conversation you have to have with yourself.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Because I guess I'm questioning if he's more into me than I am into him.
So I'm trying to decide that as well.
So you got to have those type of...
I will tell you, look over the months, measure it, and then ask him.
We've been talking for a couple of months.
What level of into me do you think you're experiencing?
Do you, are you experiencing, because you want to hear about his experience with you.
So you don't want to give him a question like, do you like me?
Yeah, I like you.
What level of growth or what are you experienced with me?
Where would you like to see this go?
I don't know if y'all talked about that, but you can ask, where would you like to see this
go?
What are you planning to get out of this with me?
Have you asked questions like that before?
No, that sounds super scary.
Yeah, but it's even more scary for you to keep going along and investing because of
parts of you being invested.
And so you need to understand what, what's his goal?
Where is he headed?
What is this about?
You're not asking him to be with you.
You're asking him, what is he hoping to get out of this?
You and him, but I don't want you to live in fear that he doesn't really want you.
Or there's so many thoughts can be attached as a woman to something like that.
Oh, you don't really want me, or he's just talking to me or he's just putting up with
me.
He probably talked to somebody else too.
I'm probably not that important.
Whatever those things, all of these things are going to come up in that process, right?
But when you get back, I will be prepared to ask those questions so that you can have
some clarity.
So as long as you operate with that clarity, you're actually being unkind to yourself and
he's just going along.
Because if he tells you, yeah, if he just tell you, well, I was just wanting to friend
somebody, a companion just to chat with, okay, even if you keep chatting with him, you know
what to do with your emotions.
Or if you like him more than that, you're going to have to say, even though like we
already had the conversation about like him being marriage minded and whatever.
Is he marriage minded?
He is.
Yeah.
No.
Is he marriage minded?
You're the one getting to know him.
Is he marriage minded?
How is he showing up?
He doesn't seem very proactive.
So that means because he's not being proactive, you need to get his understanding of what
marriage minded is.
He could be marriage minded.
Did you ask him how long he wanted to be, what time in life he wanted to be married?
No, I didn't ask like a timeline.
Okay.
So this is one of the questions that I asked that I've been dating.
somebody for right in two months. I said, are you married?
And he's like, what kind of question is that?
I just said, I'm just asking what I knew where I was headed.
So yeah, I said,
so what's your ideal timeline for marriage
when you think about it?
And he's like, oh,
I think you shouldn't be dating somebody more than a year.
In a year, you should be married.
If you know you want to marry somebody, you marry them.
I said, okay, thank you for sharing.
I said, what type of things you think need to be evaluated
or what do you, how do you measure things?
Like there were other questions that I had,
but I was not afraid to explore that,
especially if I'm walking up on two months.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I know that's a good business.
And at 90, we're going to be deciding
if we're going to be exclusive or not.
And I'm not going to ride no train till I get to day 90.
And all of a sudden I find out that your ideal
of being married is a two year window.
That may can explain a person's pacing.
They ain't looking to get married no time soon.
They be thinking about the next two years.
You ain't finna be nobody's girlfriend for two years.
Right.
Come on now, you ain't no girlfriend, you a wife.
Right, okay.
And this person was married so long
and they're no longer with their wife.
I could have forgotten.
Man just, hmm, he's special sometimes.
He, I don't know how much he's dated
or how he understands pacing or any of those things.
Like there's so many things you don't know.
So he could be showing up until the amount that you show up
or, and so really good questions
will help you understand things.
Okay, yeah, I mean, he did reveal to me
that like shortly after his divorce,
he like connected with somebody from high school,
but that didn't last very long.
And then like, I'm not sure how long after that,
but like he dated somebody from like South America,
but he didn't want to do long distance.
And so like that ended too.
So yeah, I don't think he's dated from those people.
Okay, so that means you don't even know
what his dating style or pace is.
He came out of marriage, went in with somebody else.
He hadn't dated, how long was he married?
I think it was like at least 15 years or something.
I'm not sure.
So for 15 years, unless he was cheating on his wife,
he had married, I mean, he hadn't dated anyone.
So, right, so that means you gotta, y'all know how to,
you gotta catch up with how they date now, how they do it.
You're back on the scene, what are these people doing?
You don't know what it's like, you know?
So there's a lot of things.
So him not talking as much done necessarily,
like he could just ask questions.
Now's the time for you to ask a few questions.
Okay.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Okay, great.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome, have fun on your trip.
Oh, I appreciate it, thank you.
Yeah, we pray God's traveling grace and mercy over you,
that you will have a joyful, fun-filled time.
We just ask God to release his best angels
to keep watch over you as you travel,
to bring you back in perfect peace.
And the matter of fact, that you will come back,
return better than when you left.
In Jesus name, amen.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Tiffany, how's it going?
It is going well.
Okay.
I am on day five of my sabbatical.
Yes.
And I had no idea how bad I needed it,
but I felt completely a little cray-cray.
Yeah.
And so, because when you first mentioned it to me
at that one point, like I was like, no, I don't need that.
Wow.
Oh girl, you do.
I'm about to show you how crazy you are right this moment.
But I really, I love that it happened,
the timing that everything happened,
because I had a weekend off.
And so, I really just closed myself off to the world
and leaned in with the Lord and just was like,
I don't like what I'm seeing.
I don't like what I'm feeling.
I knew that the way that I was reacting to things
is not who I am anymore.
And I didn't want that to have a root.
And so, we've done some really intense artwork.
We've done a lot more reveal to heels.
And just today I noticed something
that the Lord was doing in that
there were times that I would think about wanting to text
or wanting to wish he had texted me or something.
And instead of letting that,
giving that space to kind of like
before I would have spiraled with it,
it was more.
or like, well, why are you wanting that?
Because you genuinely are missing talking to him
or what is it in you that is signaling
that you need to message?
Because I had, I'll be honest,
I had like typed up a whole message
and I really like, I copied it
and I was gonna paste it and send it.
And I was like, no, I'm not.
And so I love this forced time
to be able to like question those things.
It feels good.
It doesn't always feel good.
It doesn't always feel easy.
There's been so many tears,
but I feel like they've been productive
and I really feel like I needed this
and didn't even know it.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Praise Jesus.
Yeah.
That's so good.
Thank you for saying the hard things
cause I wasn't very fond of it.
I couldn't tell.
I hadn't got a chance to respond to your other two email.
I read them, but I was like, okay, well we're tracking.
Well, this is all good.
So I messaged you and I was like, how's everything going?
But good.
I'm happy for you.
Yeah, thank you.
And I leave on Thursday to go to a trip with a friend
and I'm just, it's God's perfect timing.
The conference we're going to is called Replenish.
Wow.
And I'm like, Lord, your timing is impeccable.
And I just found out the conference name.
She had bought the tickets and I was like, yeah, I'm game.
So it's just really cool how God's timing
and how he's laid it out.
Yes, it's so good.
Right before the end of the sabbatical is done, so.
Yeah, where's the conference at?
In Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Oh, wow.
How long are y'all gonna stay there?
We're gonna, we're flying out early Thursday
and then we come back Monday evening.
What's the temperature there?
80s, 50 in the morning, 80s in the low 80s in the afternoon.
And the conference is only like a day and a half.
And so we have two full days to just enjoy.
So I'm so excited to get away.
Oh, yes, that's so nice.
Well, we just pray God's choicest blessings
on you and your friend as you all travel.
We pray that you truly do get replenished
and you come back renewed, refreshed and restored
and everything that heaven has for you
that you get it while you're there.
God is such a good father and he's good to you, Tiffany.
And so we just thank God for your travel.
We pray protection.
We declare no accidents, incidents,
no deaths in the name of Jesus.
Amen.
Amen, thank you.
You're welcome.
Yay.
Okay, ladies, it has been amazing chatting with you all.
Tiffany, you were just doing an update.
Do you have a question?
I'm sorry.
Great, all right.
Well, you ladies rest well on tonight.
Keep us updated on everything that's happening
because we wanna know all about it, all right?
Have a good night.