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I see a couple guys, maybe one lady on screen, two ladies on screen.

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So guys, good job showing up on screen for us tonight.

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Hi.

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Hi.

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So great to see some of our guys back.

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Hello, anybody else that's able to come on screen y'all I love to see you because it

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helps just as I'm coaching.

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Honestly to tell if some of this stuff is kind of hitting home, how's it going as I'm

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kind of releasing some of the things that God is showing us.

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Welcome for those of you that are just joining.

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For those of you that are new to phase three, welcome.

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If this is your first advanced heartwork, it is built on the heartwork principles that

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you all learn in the initial heartwork course.

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And then we try to take it deeper every single time that we bring the advanced heartwork.

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And Diane, thanks.

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This is a new hat.

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It's from the beautiful conference I went to.

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And so it's got a butterfly there too.

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So I'm representing the ladies from Southwest Florida here tonight from that conference.

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Appreciate that.

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But when you come to these, I really encourage you all to always come in with the understanding

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of we can learn something new about our hearts, about our journey, about how things can cause

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us to just get stuck to show up in situations and relationships, not as our full self, or

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even, you know, hinder relationships, even long after marriage.

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And remember that this isn't, you know, as you all are in this journey of the last year

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single, just remember, of course, we're looking for the spirit mate, but it's not all about

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getting to the altar.

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It's about creating a heart that has the capacity to sustain a long-term, kind and

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loving relationship that works as a team, right?

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And so the more that you heal, the more revelation you get about things that have been holding

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you back in the past, the more it's going to help you.

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So I just want to encourage those of you that still kind of feel like, man, I'm doing everything

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I know to do, and it still isn't working.

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I just want you to know that God sees you and he loves you and he's with you and he

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is going to help you.

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And you are going to find, I believe it, your spirit mate and your spirit mate will

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find you.

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Just continue to partner with that, no matter what comes.

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Partnering with that will be a game changer for you.

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All right, let me pray for us because we have a lot to cover tonight.

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And I do want to engage you all in the chat and kind of get you all talking a little bit

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as we go.

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Father, thank you so much, just for the reminder of your grace that's sufficient for us, no

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matter what season we're in, God on our journey, God, I thank you that you've gone before

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us, that you see every one of the spirit mates represented by the people that are

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here tonight live, those that are going to watch the replay, God, you know all the intricate

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details of the things people have been through on both sides of that relationship that you're

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going to bring together.

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God, I pray that you just continue to heal us and take us deeper, just in the understanding

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and revelation, even of ourselves, God, we know that one whole person partnered with

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another whole person, that's what can create the wholeness in a couple units.

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So Lord, we just thank you for revealing things for healing.

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Yeah, Lord, just help us to recognize the ways that we can even get in our own way at

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times and may not even realize it in the moment.

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God, I pray that you would just bring enlightenment and revelation from heaven tonight.

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Holy Spirit, we thank you that your presence is here.

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I thank you that you would help every person hear what they need to hear tonight, God,

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that our hearts would be open and not easily offended.

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God, that you would help us to just see moments where we've allowed control or perfectionism

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to drive the car in moments when we shouldn't have God and that we would have grace towards

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ourselves that we would forgive ourselves for times where we have made mistakes or where

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we have allowed control to have the first say or perfectionism and God, I thank you

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for humility and grace and truth that would prevail tonight in Jesus' name, amen.

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So y'all, interestingly enough, I was actually praying about a different topic for tonight

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for weeks and Jackie was going to originally plan to be here tonight to do the second session

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of Modern Dating Sucks, so y'all, she hasn't forgotten.

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The plan now is for her to do that next week, there was just something that she had to finish

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doing tonight.

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And so I asked her, I said, well, you know, I have something I've been praying about,

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but is there something on your heart that you would like covered during Advanced Heartwork?

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And she right away said, control and perfectionism.

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And so I just started praying into that and put this content together for tonight.

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It is based on the original Heartwork content, so I am going to pull out some things that

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you all heard and learned when you went through the course the first time.

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Maybe some of you have done it even more than once.

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But I pray that it will land differently tonight, and that there will be some additional things

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that you can really have some handles of how to recognize control or perfectionism.

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And you know, as I was putting this stuff together, I was like, Okay, this is hidden

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home for me too.

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So I just want you all to know, I'm with you, we're in this together, and that God is for

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you.

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So who can be against you, the enemy will try to hinder us through these things and

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cause us as I was even praying to get in our own way sometimes.

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And so the goal would be for the Lord to bring revelations so that again, it's not always

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about like, sometimes we have these big massive breakthroughs, and that's amazing.

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But I really feel like the ones that for me have mattered the most are the ones where

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I'm making consistent strides forward, like there's consistent revelation and breakthrough

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as we go.

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So that's how I want you all to think about it.

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If it radically sets some of you free, that's amazing.

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But I'm asking God to even help you all to have these tools and things that you think

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about, you know, in the next several days, weeks, months ahead, that will continue to

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be like, when something happens, you'll be like, Oh, that's what that was.

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That's what that was about.

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That's what God was trying to say to me.

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And so just to kick off tonight, Proverbs 423 in the Passion Translation says this.

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So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are.

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Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring

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of life.

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Remember that everything that's in our hearts is going to flow out, right?

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It's going to influence how we show up in situations, the way that we think about people,

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and even like claims that we make because of decisions that they make, you know, some

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of you all, and again, I understand why.

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But when we have interactions with people, you know, we tend to say things, well, they're

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just so immature, or they need to grow up and, and I'm not saying those things aren't

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true.

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But I really want to caution you all on really being like harsh and in the way we present,

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because the reality is, is that we're all in process.

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We're all growing up and maturing.

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And I don't know about you all, but you know, let's see how I'm going to be 48.

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But man, I feel like the last eight years have been a radical shift of just like constant

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maturing.

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And there are times that I still think, hmm, I don't know if that was really a mature response

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in that situation.

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You know, I think where we can have that grace towards ourselves and other people is going

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to go a really long way.

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So tonight, we're going after these two sneaky things that tend to live in the heart gardens

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that we have of control and perfectionism.

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And a lot of times they tend to feel like strengths to us.

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And that's why they're sneaky, but they actually hinder us hold us back.

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And they cause us to kind of tighten the grip when we're doing things, even when we're trying

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to go on dates, or interact in conversations with people, or wanting a certain outcome

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in a certain way.

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And if we don't get that we try to control that narrative and that outcome.

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And so what control and perfectionism actually look like, I'm just gonna, I'm going to break

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it down in several kind of layers tonight.

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And so I'm going to engage you all as we go to hopefully that you won't, I won't lose

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you all as we're going through this.

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But the first layer is what is control and perfectionism actually look like?

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Like how does this show up as fruit?

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Remember in the in the heart workbook, we talk about the roots underneath the root system.

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You know, if they're unhealthy, they're going to lead to unhealthy fruit.

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If they're healthy roots, then they're going to lead to the healthy fruit.

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And so you want to be thinking about that as we go as well.

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So before we can pull out the roots, though, before we can pull out the things that are

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unhealthy, we have to actually be willing to take that kind of when I coach the heartwork,

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I talk about looking under the hood, really taking another look at what's going on underneath

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the surface.

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And as you all can remember, Jackie often talks about, you know, the problem that we're

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facing typically isn't actually the problem.

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It's just the fruit of the deeper root of something that's going on underneath.

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So I just want you to think about even in the last week, just be thinking about this

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right now.

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You don't even have to put this in the chat.

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But I would like you to make a note for yourself, whether that's in your phone, a mental note

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right on your paper, a situation in the last week where looking back, you recognize that

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you were trying to control an outcome or a person or that you were striving and leaning

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toward perfectionism, whether you were expecting perfect behavior from someone else, yourself,

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or you just kind of live and exist in the.

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This is never enough. This is never enough. I'm never enough.

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Just really be thinking about how did that show up even in the last week in your life.

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Now here are some examples that I have for you of how these tend to show up.

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I'm going to go through control first, and then I'll go through some examples.

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And again, as I coach every time, there could always be a lot more.

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These are just to get you started thinking about how they are showing up in your life.

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So even where you're at, I really want to encourage you just to pray and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom tonight

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and insight regarding how do these show up in your life.

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And some of us will be like, I don't struggle with control or perfectionism at all.

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And I would love to hope that that is true for all of you, some of you,

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but the reality is, is we all on some level tend to struggle with these two things.

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So here are some ways they show up.

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Control. We have difficulty delegating.

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A lot of times this is going to show up in work.

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Even if you volunteer, some of y'all as parents, grandparents,

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some of you haven't like let go of the reins of your kids, like you're always trying to control things.

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That's kind of the delegation aspect as well.

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If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.

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That's kind of your mantra.

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And so even in dating, sometimes we're just really, I'm not going to say the guys aren't like this,

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but ladies, I know y'all can be like this.

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We're like, man, if he could just actually plan a date, you know,

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we get really harsh about somebody that's actually trying to put some effort forth.

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And I'm not saying we shouldn't have a good expectation and a hope of having a fun date or whatever,

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but the reality is it's not every man is a planner.

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Not every woman is a planner.

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So I'm going to encourage the ladies to kind of even look through that lens.

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Are we expecting perfection?

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I'm going to partner the control and perfection together in this scenario.

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And really not extending grace to partner with a guy in planning a date.

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Now, if the guy wants to plan the date and feels strong and confident in that, cool, awesome.

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That's really great.

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But I want to encourage us to not dismiss a guy and pass him over if that isn't one of his strengths,

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especially if you're a planner.

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Now, if you've been in the driver's seat and God's asking you to let go of the reins some,

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because you're always a planner, then you need to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit in that

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and then not criticize the guy left and right, okay?

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That's letting go and learning how to receive, okay?

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So that's the thing.

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That's one example.

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Here's another one.

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Feeling anxious or unsettled when plans change unexpectedly.

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Man, that hit home for me today.

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I was thinking about this a lot.

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Growing up in my home, it was very chaotic.

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Things were always changing, very unstable.

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And so even things like last-minute changes, even being honest, I had plans tonight.

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And I had plans to go somewhere else.

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And so even the change of having to coach, I was like, oh, man, that's unexpected.

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And so this is a part of my job, obviously, with Ask Your Single, too.

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But just, you know, even that can cause feelings of anxiousness or unsettling for me.

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So really looking into, okay, remember, the reason we're identifying how these show up in our lives

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is not just to stay here, because we're going to walk through later how to get to the root of where these come from, okay?

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All right, so over-explaining yourself or justifying your decisions to people who didn't even ask you for an explanation.

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Anyone else in this club? I do it.

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I've had some people say, well, you don't have to even explain. That's totally fine.

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And I'm like, oh, man, I did it again, you know?

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So we need to recognize, where is that coming from?

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All right, needing to know the outcome before you're willing to take the next step.

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Ouch. Yeah.

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I want the whole plan before I go anywhere.

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I want to know what the outcome's going to be tomorrow.

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The reality is, is that God invites us on journeys and adventures, and He really wants us to step out in faith sometimes

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and not have to have every aspect of every single thing planned out.

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Any vacation planners on here where you have a whole agenda, and if anybody wants to go outside of your agenda,

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and you are just not happy?

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Anyone? I know there's got to be a few. I like to, now I do like to, when we go on vacation,

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you know, we talk about things we want to do and I do like to type up an agenda because I also kind

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of fill in the, you know, work things I might have to do so that I don't forget things, but one of

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the things I've had to learn how to do as a type A administration person, planner, I love to plan

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things. I love to plan events. I love to plan things that we're going to go do. I've had to

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really learn how to also be willing to let go of the plan if something comes up or we decide we

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want to go do something different or maybe someone else is on that adventure with me and there's

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something they really want to go do, right? But so many of us are unwilling to really let go of

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those reins and again, those are the things that are kind of holding us up to even go on fun things

225
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with other people. Here's another one. Managing other people's emotions so that you feel more

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comfortable. I want you to think about right now some relationships in your life where there's just

227
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:16.880
a little bit of unrest. We'll call it that. Not total separation. You might have some of that for

228
00:16:16.880 --> 00:16:21.840
some of you as well where there needs to be reconciliation, but right now I'm talking about

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even like in your work environment, in the day-to-day with your kids or with whoever.

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When people get upset with you, are you constantly striving to try to control their emotions and how

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they feel so that you feel more comfortable and at harmony and peace? Or are you able to

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actually still be at peace no matter what's going on with those other people? I'm not saying we

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shouldn't care, but some of us like blow up people's phones if we think that they are an

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00:16:57.680 --> 00:17:06.880
ounce upset with us. So be thinking about even how that is affecting, you know, like partnering

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00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:11.599
with that anxious kind of that will kick in that anxious attachment like that, you know, you're

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always striving to make them happy and make sure they're good and all of those kind of things.

237
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Here's another one. Keeping people at arm's length so that they cannot disappoint you.

238
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This is control at work as well. Here's the last one in this

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00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:31.840
part. Staying so busy that you never have to sit with what you're actually feeling.

240
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I'm going to say that one again. Staying so busy that you never have to sit with how you're

241
00:17:41.760 --> 00:17:51.040
feeling. That is a control self-protection mechanism. Some people don't like to sit in

242
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silence. They don't like their own presence. We talk about this a lot during the heart work.

243
00:17:56.320 --> 00:18:02.080
And if that is something that you struggle with, I want to encourage you to really get out of your

244
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comfort zone and spend time by yourself to really start to learn how to navigate that. That doesn't

245
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mean that God's not going to bring you someone, but you need to learn how to function and be

246
00:18:13.360 --> 00:18:20.320
healthy in that sense so that when that person comes, whether they're on a trip out of town or

247
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you guys are in two different places at some moment, you're going to still be able to function

248
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:30.960
in a healthy way and not turn into like where you're codependent in unhealthy ways on them.

249
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Okay, here's some for perfectionism. This is how perfectionism tends to show up for us.

250
00:18:35.760 --> 00:18:42.560
Procrastinating on things because if you can't do them perfectly, you would rather not start.

251
00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:48.720
Procrastinating on things because if you can't do them perfectly, you'd rather not start.

252
00:18:51.040 --> 00:18:55.120
Here's another one. Replaying conversations and cringing at what you said.

253
00:18:57.760 --> 00:19:02.160
Anyone here do that? You just replay and replay, replay things you said.

254
00:19:03.120 --> 00:19:04.800
Yeah, I do that sometimes too.

255
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:11.280
I see some people smiling. It made me think too. Some of y'all I think probably go on dates and

256
00:19:11.280 --> 00:19:16.400
really are like petrified afterwards. You're just scanning like, what did I say? What did I say?

257
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:19.920
Was that, should I have said that? Should I have said this? You know, like even with friends,

258
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:25.520
sometimes we do that. Y'all, this is the enemy like causing us to just be afraid all the time

259
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:31.280
that we said the wrong thing. We did the wrong thing. Like I want to just speak peace. God's

260
00:19:31.760 --> 00:19:39.280
peace over you. Cause you know what? When people really love us, this is true with you all.

261
00:19:40.800 --> 00:19:45.520
Even if we said something or did something, you know what? They're going to forgive us

262
00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:50.800
and we don't have to panic that we're going to lose that relationship because if it was really

263
00:19:50.800 --> 00:19:57.280
a healthy friendship or connection, we shouldn't lose it over some small mistake that we made.

264
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Okay.

265
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.440
We want to look at what's causing us to be so afraid.

266
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Or some of that can come out of humility,

267
00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:12.560
but then it can kind of flip into just being overly cautious

268
00:20:12.560 --> 00:20:16.120
and that out of balance aspect of it.

269
00:20:16.120 --> 00:20:16.940
Here's another one.

270
00:20:16.940 --> 00:20:19.440
Finding it easier to see what's wrong

271
00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:21.700
than to celebrate what is right.

272
00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:25.960
This is perfectionism at play.

273
00:20:25.960 --> 00:20:28.400
So if some of you, you tend to struggle

274
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:29.760
with a lot of negativity,

275
00:20:30.320 --> 00:20:31.800
you really struggle to see that anything good

276
00:20:31.800 --> 00:20:35.580
is even happening right now in your life,

277
00:20:35.580 --> 00:20:37.820
that's perfectionism at work there.

278
00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:41.680
I can bet, let's do this really quick.

279
00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:44.640
This was not planned, but I feel like we should do this.

280
00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:47.280
Go ahead and put in there for me in the chat,

281
00:20:47.280 --> 00:20:49.600
one win that you've had in the last week.

282
00:20:49.600 --> 00:20:51.880
Anything, big, small, a win that you've had

283
00:20:51.880 --> 00:20:52.720
in the last week.

284
00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:54.520
Let's just activate this really quick.

285
00:20:54.520 --> 00:20:59.520
And for those that are gonna watch this replay,

286
00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:02.880
I would encourage you all to even sit down

287
00:21:02.880 --> 00:21:05.200
for a few minutes, like when you watch the replay,

288
00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:07.000
whenever you watch it and just say,

289
00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:09.640
okay, here's three to five wins I've had recently.

290
00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:11.080
For those of you watching here live,

291
00:21:11.080 --> 00:21:12.920
after you put the one in the chat tonight,

292
00:21:12.920 --> 00:21:15.000
I really wanna encourage you all to sit with this later

293
00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:15.840
when we jump off.

294
00:21:15.840 --> 00:21:18.680
Just real quick, shouldn't take you that long.

295
00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:21.200
Ask God to help you remember if you forget,

296
00:21:21.200 --> 00:21:22.160
three to five wins.

297
00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:24.460
And you can even do it in the last two weeks.

298
00:21:25.300 --> 00:21:26.500
Y'all, we have a lot of wins.

299
00:21:26.500 --> 00:21:27.540
We really do.

300
00:21:27.540 --> 00:21:29.500
And we need to focus more on those.

301
00:21:29.500 --> 00:21:31.340
It doesn't mean we don't acknowledge the things

302
00:21:31.340 --> 00:21:35.340
that are hard, but we want to focus more on the wins.

303
00:21:35.340 --> 00:21:39.500
Remember what we focus on, we attract, it grows, right?

304
00:21:39.500 --> 00:21:40.620
So think about that.

305
00:21:40.620 --> 00:21:42.060
All right, here's another one.

306
00:21:42.060 --> 00:21:45.140
Struggling to receive compliments.

307
00:21:45.140 --> 00:21:48.260
Deflecting or minimizing things that people say

308
00:21:48.260 --> 00:21:49.720
that are kind to us.

309
00:21:51.620 --> 00:21:53.860
That's perfectionism.

310
00:21:53.860 --> 00:21:56.620
Setting standards for yourself or other people

311
00:21:56.620 --> 00:22:00.140
that are almost impossible for them to meet,

312
00:22:00.140 --> 00:22:01.500
as well as yourself.

313
00:22:05.020 --> 00:22:07.300
For those of you that really struggle with,

314
00:22:07.300 --> 00:22:10.740
like you're never satisfied with anything that you do,

315
00:22:10.740 --> 00:22:12.700
nothing feels good.

316
00:22:12.700 --> 00:22:14.660
Again, this is where this perfectionism,

317
00:22:14.660 --> 00:22:16.380
there's a root to that.

318
00:22:17.980 --> 00:22:21.140
Feeling like good enough is never actually good enough.

319
00:22:22.060 --> 00:22:23.560
Here's the last one in this part.

320
00:22:24.260 --> 00:22:26.360
Tying your worth to your output.

321
00:22:26.360 --> 00:22:30.220
If you're not producing, you don't feel valuable.

322
00:22:33.120 --> 00:22:36.060
So for my, again, overproducers,

323
00:22:36.060 --> 00:22:38.120
it's amazing that we can produce a lot.

324
00:22:38.120 --> 00:22:41.400
I've been in that aspect too.

325
00:22:41.400 --> 00:22:43.120
I mean, I love to accomplish things.

326
00:22:43.120 --> 00:22:46.240
I love to cross really important things off my list.

327
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:49.560
And the list tends to be how I feel like

328
00:22:49.560 --> 00:22:51.600
I've done something great for the day,

329
00:22:51.640 --> 00:22:54.040
or accomplished the things that I set out to do.

330
00:22:54.040 --> 00:22:56.760
The days where I look at my list

331
00:22:56.760 --> 00:22:58.760
and there's like two crossed off

332
00:22:58.760 --> 00:23:01.640
because I've had like five out of nowhere things come up

333
00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:03.620
that I didn't know were gonna happen.

334
00:23:03.620 --> 00:23:05.400
Those are the days that I tend to think,

335
00:23:05.400 --> 00:23:08.020
unless it was really like, oh, wow, man,

336
00:23:08.020 --> 00:23:09.840
God really moved in that conversation.

337
00:23:09.840 --> 00:23:11.120
Now that's different.

338
00:23:11.120 --> 00:23:13.360
But when it's like people that are complaining

339
00:23:13.360 --> 00:23:16.240
or things coming in or whatever,

340
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:19.120
and then I look at my list and I'm like, shoot,

341
00:23:19.120 --> 00:23:20.840
I didn't get anything done today.

342
00:23:22.120 --> 00:23:24.980
Those are the days that I tend to feel not happy.

343
00:23:26.200 --> 00:23:28.780
And I'm not saying that we can't feel those ways.

344
00:23:28.780 --> 00:23:31.140
That's a reality of how I feel.

345
00:23:32.360 --> 00:23:35.600
But I also need to look at how I was raised.

346
00:23:35.600 --> 00:23:37.600
It was very competitive in my home.

347
00:23:37.600 --> 00:23:40.760
My oldest brother, who was my main abuser,

348
00:23:40.760 --> 00:23:42.520
was very much put on a pedestal.

349
00:23:42.520 --> 00:23:46.320
He could do no wrong in my family.

350
00:23:46.320 --> 00:23:49.160
But see, the whole time growing up as a teenager,

351
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:51.280
I knew all the stuff that he did

352
00:23:51.960 --> 00:23:52.800
that was not good.

353
00:23:52.800 --> 00:23:54.880
I knew the stuff that he did was good too,

354
00:23:54.880 --> 00:23:57.200
but I knew the truth.

355
00:23:59.040 --> 00:24:01.660
But yet it was kind of this environment of like,

356
00:24:01.660 --> 00:24:04.280
I was always compared to him regarding my grades,

357
00:24:04.280 --> 00:24:06.700
regarding sports, everything.

358
00:24:07.720 --> 00:24:10.960
And so it really created this dynamic in me

359
00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:13.320
that I've had to really work on over the years

360
00:24:13.320 --> 00:24:18.160
of feeling like I can still have a good day

361
00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:20.600
and not cross everything off on my list.

362
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:22.560
I know that's a small example, you all,

363
00:24:22.560 --> 00:24:24.420
but it really is a thing.

364
00:24:24.420 --> 00:24:26.600
One of the other ways it's coming up in my spirit

365
00:24:26.600 --> 00:24:31.560
is I was promised a promotion in my prior job

366
00:24:31.560 --> 00:24:34.320
before I started working for Jackie full-time.

367
00:24:34.320 --> 00:24:37.760
And for two years, I did everything they asked me to do

368
00:24:37.760 --> 00:24:41.240
to get that title change and get the pay increase.

369
00:24:41.240 --> 00:24:42.960
Now, I got increases over the years,

370
00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:46.160
but the title meant so much to me, you all.

371
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:48.200
And I just felt like I never understood

372
00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:50.040
why they were holding me back.

373
00:24:50.080 --> 00:24:52.680
They were holding me back when I was doing everything

374
00:24:52.680 --> 00:24:55.380
and more that they asked me to do.

375
00:24:56.440 --> 00:25:00.240
And you all know my former boss promised me in writing.

376
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.360
I had it in writing and everything, and I never got that.

377
00:25:04.360 --> 00:25:06.280
I never got that title change.

378
00:25:06.280 --> 00:25:11.080
And still to this day, I still am like, I don't understand that.

379
00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:17.980
After I left, I quit that job because I moved to Indiana, and God was taking me other places.

380
00:25:17.980 --> 00:25:24.820
The woman that replaced me, they gave her the promotion title, like, within a month

381
00:25:24.820 --> 00:25:28.000
after I left, because she was already working there.

382
00:25:28.320 --> 00:25:30.320
Weird, right?

383
00:25:30.320 --> 00:25:32.560
Not sure why that happened.

384
00:25:32.560 --> 00:25:38.600
But when I look at what God was trying to do in my heart, it was about the title for

385
00:25:38.600 --> 00:25:39.600
me.

386
00:25:39.600 --> 00:25:40.600
It was about accomplishment.

387
00:25:40.600 --> 00:25:46.660
I'm not saying we can't want those things, but they shouldn't be like how we define ourselves.

388
00:25:46.660 --> 00:25:50.040
I'm still that title in more you all.

389
00:25:50.040 --> 00:25:51.440
I am.

390
00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:52.440
And God knows that.

391
00:25:52.440 --> 00:25:53.440
God saw that.

392
00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:59.440
God has promoted me on his own terms into now what I do.

393
00:25:59.440 --> 00:26:00.560
It's not about a title.

394
00:26:00.560 --> 00:26:04.800
It's about what I'm doing for him and how he wants to use my life.

395
00:26:04.800 --> 00:26:08.360
And at the end of the day, I can't take a title to heaven with me.

396
00:26:08.360 --> 00:26:11.460
It doesn't matter, right?

397
00:26:11.460 --> 00:26:13.880
But in us, so often it does, right?

398
00:26:13.880 --> 00:26:19.620
A lot of men, men define themselves a lot by their work and their success in their career.

399
00:26:19.620 --> 00:26:22.920
So we, again, men and women alike just need to look at that.

400
00:26:22.920 --> 00:26:24.360
All right.

401
00:26:24.360 --> 00:26:27.360
Great job on seeing those all come in the chat.

402
00:26:27.360 --> 00:26:31.040
It's good for you all just to keep writing those as they come to mind or jot them down,

403
00:26:31.040 --> 00:26:32.040
like I said.

404
00:26:32.040 --> 00:26:33.040
All right.

405
00:26:33.040 --> 00:26:39.160
So as we're talking about, again, these aspects of how control and perfectionism show up in

406
00:26:39.160 --> 00:26:40.160
our lives.

407
00:26:40.160 --> 00:26:43.880
Remember, these aren't just personality traits, they are fruits.

408
00:26:43.880 --> 00:26:47.760
And fruits grow from the root.

409
00:26:47.760 --> 00:26:53.080
So here, you don't have to say why it resonated, but I want you to go ahead and put in the

410
00:26:53.080 --> 00:26:59.440
chat which one is resonating more with you tonight, control, perfectionism, or honestly

411
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:00.920
both.

412
00:27:00.920 --> 00:27:01.920
Drop that in the chat.

413
00:27:01.920 --> 00:27:06.920
Let's see how everyone's feeling.

414
00:27:06.920 --> 00:27:14.920
A lot of both.

415
00:27:14.920 --> 00:27:17.140
I can relate to both in a lot of ways.

416
00:27:17.520 --> 00:27:23.820
And I think, too, for me, I can see aspects of both showing up even now in my life.

417
00:27:23.820 --> 00:27:28.820
And so that's why I would say both for me in this season even.

418
00:27:28.820 --> 00:27:30.820
All right.

419
00:27:30.820 --> 00:27:31.820
Okay.

420
00:27:31.820 --> 00:27:32.820
Cool.

421
00:27:32.820 --> 00:27:34.540
I'm seeing these come in.

422
00:27:34.540 --> 00:27:40.580
I just wanted to see kind of who was saying what a little bit.

423
00:27:40.580 --> 00:27:45.460
Can you elaborate on why overexplaining is control-oriented?

424
00:27:45.460 --> 00:27:49.340
If I have time, I will do my best to circle back to that because I have a lot more and

425
00:27:49.340 --> 00:27:53.500
the things I'm going to share on top of what I already shared might help you get the revelation

426
00:27:53.500 --> 00:27:56.500
on that, Pamela, okay?

427
00:27:56.500 --> 00:27:58.260
All right.

428
00:27:58.260 --> 00:27:59.740
Aspect number two.

429
00:27:59.740 --> 00:28:02.260
What control and perfectionism are really rooted in?

430
00:28:02.260 --> 00:28:05.820
So now that we kind of know, okay, these are some ways they show up in our lives, we're

431
00:28:05.820 --> 00:28:12.020
going to talk about what is control and perfectionism rooted in.

432
00:28:12.020 --> 00:28:16.940
What a lot of times we don't realize is that, again, they're not rooted in strength.

433
00:28:16.940 --> 00:28:21.380
They're actually rooted in fear.

434
00:28:21.380 --> 00:28:28.240
We tend to try to control or be perfect, walk in perfectionism, because there's internal

435
00:28:28.240 --> 00:28:31.220
fear dialogue going on.

436
00:28:31.220 --> 00:28:35.980
Sometimes a lot of times in our subconscious that we don't even fully understand why we're

437
00:28:35.980 --> 00:28:39.340
doing and saying what we're doing and saying.

438
00:28:39.340 --> 00:28:44.500
Jackie says in the heart work, the more hurt we are, the more we try to control our environment.

439
00:28:44.500 --> 00:28:49.260
She also says that control is an illusion and that out of control can actually be a

440
00:28:49.260 --> 00:28:55.900
healthy place to be because it's where surrender lives.

441
00:28:55.900 --> 00:28:59.860
So if we look at the roots that tend to feed both control and perfectionism, these are

442
00:28:59.860 --> 00:29:00.860
some of the ones.

443
00:29:00.860 --> 00:29:03.920
Again, there could be more, but this is what I put together for tonight.

444
00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:09.720
Number one, the root of fear of rejection.

445
00:29:09.720 --> 00:29:13.920
If I do it perfectly, nobody can reject me.

446
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:19.580
Even if I show up perfectly on the date, if I talk perfectly on the date.

447
00:29:19.580 --> 00:29:25.360
One of the things that we tend to do is we want to be the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend

448
00:29:25.360 --> 00:29:29.160
because we don't want that person to be upset with us or to be displeased with us or do

449
00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:30.760
something that they wouldn't like.

450
00:29:30.760 --> 00:29:35.560
Y'all, we're not trying to show up fake, okay?

451
00:29:35.560 --> 00:29:41.120
Do your best to have a great time and be the best version of yourself in this season.

452
00:29:41.120 --> 00:29:42.600
And that's all you can do.

453
00:29:42.600 --> 00:29:45.560
But don't try to hold back who you truly are.

454
00:29:45.560 --> 00:29:46.560
All right.

455
00:29:46.560 --> 00:29:52.320
It's this fear of rejection also says if I can control the outcome, I cannot be left.

456
00:29:52.320 --> 00:29:56.020
This is a vow that we're making internally.

457
00:29:56.020 --> 00:30:00.020
It sounds like this, I will be perfect so that no one.

458
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.000
can turn me away.

459
00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:06.000
Again, we have these internal dialogues and things

460
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:09.400
and storylines that were running behind the scenes that

461
00:30:09.400 --> 00:30:11.100
are showing up and how we're interacting.

462
00:30:11.100 --> 00:30:13.800
Next one, the brute of shame.

463
00:30:13.800 --> 00:30:18.280
Perfectionism is often shame's best coping mechanism.

464
00:30:21.640 --> 00:30:23.700
If I never make a mistake, no one

465
00:30:23.700 --> 00:30:26.400
will see the parts of me I'm most afraid of.

466
00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:29.200
This is even heading home as I'm saying it out loud.

467
00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:30.600
It's just kind of got me thinking.

468
00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:37.200
You know, growing up, having been sexually abused,

469
00:30:37.200 --> 00:30:41.600
I didn't want anyone to know that happened.

470
00:30:41.600 --> 00:30:44.200
Because I had so much shame about it, embarrassment,

471
00:30:44.200 --> 00:30:45.800
and all those things.

472
00:30:45.800 --> 00:30:50.000
And so I learned how to hide those parts of myself

473
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.400
that I was just terrified for someone to know.

474
00:30:54.400 --> 00:30:56.200
And it makes me think of even, too,

475
00:30:56.200 --> 00:31:00.200
like when I make a mistake, even as an adult, you all,

476
00:31:00.200 --> 00:31:03.400
even in the last year, I have this panic

477
00:31:03.400 --> 00:31:05.000
that happens on the inside.

478
00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:07.200
Like, oh my gosh, I don't want anybody

479
00:31:07.200 --> 00:31:11.600
to know that I made a mistake.

480
00:31:11.600 --> 00:31:13.200
And if that's still showing up in me,

481
00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:16.400
it's probably rooted not just in that one situation I said,

482
00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:19.200
but that's coming from somewhere.

483
00:31:19.200 --> 00:31:23.200
Maybe the harsh response my mom had on many occasions

484
00:31:23.600 --> 00:31:25.400
when I didn't have all As.

485
00:31:28.800 --> 00:31:30.000
You know, this is real stuff.

486
00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:32.000
I mean, of course it was good that my mom

487
00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:33.400
wanted me to do well.

488
00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:34.200
Of course.

489
00:31:36.600 --> 00:31:41.400
But I shouldn't have felt like that defined me.

490
00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:42.000
Right?

491
00:31:44.600 --> 00:31:50.600
I'll never forget when I got a D in, let me think what class

492
00:31:50.600 --> 00:31:51.600
it was, in college.

493
00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:54.400
But I tried so hard.

494
00:31:54.400 --> 00:31:58.000
And the teacher just like, she really did the whole class.

495
00:31:58.000 --> 00:32:00.800
Like, a majority of the class got D's and F's.

496
00:32:00.800 --> 00:32:02.800
Like, I think she really actually enjoyed flunking

497
00:32:02.800 --> 00:32:04.200
people.

498
00:32:04.200 --> 00:32:05.400
I was convinced of that.

499
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:08.800
But I remember, like, trying so hard in that class.

500
00:32:08.800 --> 00:32:11.400
And I just, nothing that I could do.

501
00:32:11.400 --> 00:32:15.400
Like, I just kept failing these tests and not doing well.

502
00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:18.600
And it was just so hard on me.

503
00:32:18.600 --> 00:32:20.600
And so I don't know if that was for anyone.

504
00:32:20.600 --> 00:32:22.600
Because I haven't even ever mentioned that story.

505
00:32:22.600 --> 00:32:23.400
I don't think ever.

506
00:32:23.400 --> 00:32:27.600
But I think when we look at those moments, like, I didn't

507
00:32:27.600 --> 00:32:29.400
want to tell my mom about that.

508
00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:30.600
I was in college, y'all.

509
00:32:30.600 --> 00:32:31.600
And I'm an adult.

510
00:32:31.600 --> 00:32:33.000
It is what it is.

511
00:32:33.000 --> 00:32:35.600
But I was afraid to tell my mom.

512
00:32:35.600 --> 00:32:38.600
And I was embarrassed that I got a D.

513
00:32:39.600 --> 00:32:41.000
All right, I'm going to keep going.

514
00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:43.000
There's many other examples of shame.

515
00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:45.400
Again, I'm just giving you all examples from my own life.

516
00:32:45.400 --> 00:32:48.600
But, like, think about, are there parts of yourself that

517
00:32:49.600 --> 00:32:51.600
you are ashamed for people to find out?

518
00:32:51.600 --> 00:32:54.600
And if so, you might be shifting into that perfectionism

519
00:32:54.600 --> 00:32:56.600
as a coping mechanism.

520
00:32:56.600 --> 00:32:59.600
This often root of shame, it often whispers to us,

521
00:32:59.600 --> 00:33:03.600
if they really knew you, the real you, they would leave.

522
00:33:03.600 --> 00:33:06.600
Or maybe even never pursue a relationship with you.

523
00:33:06.600 --> 00:33:07.600
Here's another one.

524
00:33:07.600 --> 00:33:09.600
The root of unhealed disappointment.

525
00:33:09.600 --> 00:33:12.600
Control is what we reach for when we've been let down

526
00:33:12.600 --> 00:33:16.600
enough times that we decide we simply cannot afford

527
00:33:16.600 --> 00:33:18.600
to trust anyone else.

528
00:33:20.600 --> 00:33:22.600
It says, I'll just handle it myself.

529
00:33:22.600 --> 00:33:24.600
I'll just stay single.

530
00:33:25.600 --> 00:33:28.600
At least I know I won't let me down.

531
00:33:28.600 --> 00:33:30.600
You know, I've got this.

532
00:33:30.600 --> 00:33:32.600
I don't need anybody.

533
00:33:32.600 --> 00:33:35.600
These things that we tell ourselves to try to convince

534
00:33:35.600 --> 00:33:40.600
ourselves because we're afraid to feel disappointment again,

535
00:33:40.600 --> 00:33:43.600
that typically means there's unhealed disappointment

536
00:33:43.600 --> 00:33:46.600
underneath the surface that needs another look.

537
00:33:49.600 --> 00:33:50.600
The root of unworthiness.

538
00:33:50.600 --> 00:33:52.600
Here's another one.

539
00:33:54.600 --> 00:33:56.600
Oh, did the sound go out for everyone?

540
00:33:57.600 --> 00:33:58.600
Okay.

541
00:33:58.600 --> 00:34:00.600
Megan, that might just be on your end.

542
00:34:00.600 --> 00:34:03.600
You might've just had a bumpy internet connection there.

543
00:34:03.600 --> 00:34:04.600
All right.

544
00:34:04.600 --> 00:34:05.600
I just want to make sure.

545
00:34:05.600 --> 00:34:07.600
The root of unworthiness.

546
00:34:07.600 --> 00:34:10.600
Perfectionism is often an exhausting attempt to earn a place

547
00:34:10.600 --> 00:34:14.600
at the table that we don't believe we naturally deserve.

548
00:34:16.600 --> 00:34:18.600
The performance is the proof.

549
00:34:18.600 --> 00:34:20.600
If I can achieve enough, produce enough, look right enough,

550
00:34:20.600 --> 00:34:23.600
maybe then I'll be enough.

551
00:34:25.600 --> 00:34:27.600
And I just want to put in this.

552
00:34:27.600 --> 00:34:29.600
It's not in my notes, but it's coming back up in my spirit.

553
00:34:31.600 --> 00:34:33.600
You know, if you go into a situation,

554
00:34:33.600 --> 00:34:36.600
this is an example that I've seen come up quite frequently

555
00:34:36.600 --> 00:34:38.600
in the coaching groups.

556
00:34:39.600 --> 00:34:43.600
Believing that you're not picked because of your age.

557
00:34:46.600 --> 00:34:50.600
Y'all, that is a root of unworthiness showing up.

558
00:34:51.600 --> 00:34:54.600
You feel like you're already not picked just because of your age.

559
00:34:54.600 --> 00:34:57.600
Well, we have people getting married in all different ages.

560
00:34:58.600 --> 00:34:59.600
So if that's the case,

561
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.920
Well, then that wouldn't be happening.

562
00:35:03.880 --> 00:35:08.600
So if you are partnering personally with that lie, that is something that you want

563
00:35:08.600 --> 00:35:14.080
to take a look at with the Lord, because your age isn't putting you on the

564
00:35:14.080 --> 00:35:17.880
sidelines, your belief about your age is.

565
00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:24.040
Your perspective of how you're showing up, you know, of that perspective of

566
00:35:24.040 --> 00:35:29.720
yourself is impacting how you're showing up in dates and interactions.

567
00:35:31.800 --> 00:35:32.320
Same thing.

568
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:38.720
If guys kind of believe, you know, that women are never going to pick me, you

569
00:35:38.720 --> 00:35:42.200
know, whatever that might look like, maybe some of you have certain dynamics.

570
00:35:42.400 --> 00:35:47.640
Y'all let's just say this too, in this day and age, because we're on computers

571
00:35:47.640 --> 00:35:53.440
so much now, our world is increasingly growing in social awkwardness.

572
00:35:54.560 --> 00:35:56.480
Can we just call that elephant out?

573
00:35:58.240 --> 00:35:59.160
It's real.

574
00:36:00.280 --> 00:36:04.880
And so I really want to encourage you all that if you interact with someone

575
00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:08.400
who they might struggle a little bit with some social awkwardness that you

576
00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:09.960
won't just count them out for it.

577
00:36:10.960 --> 00:36:12.560
Some people can grow through that.

578
00:36:12.560 --> 00:36:19.520
If they get some coaching, even myself, I work from home every day, you all, and

579
00:36:19.520 --> 00:36:24.600
I've noticed that since I've been here in Florida, we don't even have the church

580
00:36:24.600 --> 00:36:26.440
building because we're rebuilding that.

581
00:36:26.440 --> 00:36:29.160
So we don't have offices in the church building to go to.

582
00:36:29.920 --> 00:36:32.280
And so I'm literally in my house all the time.

583
00:36:32.640 --> 00:36:35.360
And I noticed the one day, I mean, I'm fine.

584
00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:39.200
So don't anybody worry, but I, because I don't go out that much.

585
00:36:40.440 --> 00:36:43.120
One day when I was out, I'm like, man, I feel weird.

586
00:36:43.120 --> 00:36:48.000
Like it felt weird to drive around and go somewhere.

587
00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:54.040
And, you know, and I know that's such a small example, but if I'm noticing it and I don't

588
00:36:54.040 --> 00:36:59.920
really have a hard time interacting with people, I imagine other people are feeling that too.

589
00:37:01.320 --> 00:37:06.520
So for whoever that's for, I just felt led to mention that because I think that that's

590
00:37:06.520 --> 00:37:10.960
partnering with some unworthiness too, like some of you all might have certain things

591
00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:16.160
that cause you just to get really nervous or really anxious or, you know, some people

592
00:37:16.160 --> 00:37:17.600
over talk on the first date.

593
00:37:17.600 --> 00:37:22.640
You know, I'm not saying allow those things to go on forever if it's really excessive, but

594
00:37:22.640 --> 00:37:29.040
like we might need to just extend some extra grace and really look at what's causing that

595
00:37:29.240 --> 00:37:34.880
in the other person or even in yourself to expect perfection.

596
00:37:35.800 --> 00:37:40.200
There's a difference between expecting perfection and just wanting to have a really good

597
00:37:40.200 --> 00:37:42.040
date from my perspective.

598
00:37:42.520 --> 00:37:47.640
OK, all right, the root of trauma slash survival, that's what I'm calling this one.

599
00:37:48.600 --> 00:37:52.240
Jackie teaches us that trauma doesn't just hurt us, it creates different versions of us.

600
00:37:52.240 --> 00:37:58.320
So control and perfectionism are often these survival mechanisms created by the younger

601
00:37:58.320 --> 00:37:59.560
version of ourselves.

602
00:38:01.160 --> 00:38:03.520
Of who we needed to be back then.

603
00:38:04.920 --> 00:38:06.120
To stay safe.

604
00:38:06.320 --> 00:38:10.760
So I want you to kind of just for a minute, pause and think about the younger version of

605
00:38:10.760 --> 00:38:19.680
yourself. And how did control and perfectionism help you navigate a difficult dynamic

606
00:38:19.680 --> 00:38:25.040
growing up or even in a prior marriage or relationship that wasn't healthy?

607
00:38:27.360 --> 00:38:31.320
And are you still walking that out now, even though you are safe now?

608
00:38:31.320 --> 00:38:36.840
That version of you was brilliant and resourceful as a young kid or teenager or whenever

609
00:38:36.840 --> 00:38:38.320
that situation happened.

610
00:38:39.800 --> 00:38:44.040
But that person doesn't need to run the show anymore.

611
00:38:45.640 --> 00:38:49.600
You don't have to stay in control and you don't have to be perfect.

612
00:38:52.080 --> 00:38:57.680
I remember the first time Brian and I, like, it wasn't like no mistakes had ever happened

613
00:38:58.280 --> 00:39:04.040
at this point, but I just remember one day just feeling like we had this conversation and he

614
00:39:04.040 --> 00:39:08.680
was just talking about, like, I think it was because I was gaining weight or something.

615
00:39:08.680 --> 00:39:14.440
This is a couple of years ago and I just felt so bad because, like, I don't tend to, I've not

616
00:39:14.440 --> 00:39:16.680
tended to have that problem in my life in the past.

617
00:39:16.680 --> 00:39:21.000
But he was like, I still love you the same.

618
00:39:21.800 --> 00:39:24.800
He was like, I still love you the same.

619
00:39:25.680 --> 00:39:29.400
And I just remember thinking like, oh, really?

620
00:39:30.160 --> 00:39:34.160
Because it didn't feel like that was the message I received growing up.

621
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:41.920
Or even in prior relationships, and I'm not saying we should just be like, oh, let ourselves

622
00:39:41.920 --> 00:39:51.760
go. But what I am saying is that I don't have to fear and try to control the outcome.

623
00:39:52.240 --> 00:39:57.000
I don't have to be afraid that my husband's just going to leave me if I'm not perfect.

624
00:39:58.920 --> 00:39:59.920
OK.

625
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.160
This is three connection I wanna make here

626
00:40:02.160 --> 00:40:04.120
to this trauma survival route.

627
00:40:04.120 --> 00:40:05.840
After everything fell apart in the garden,

628
00:40:05.840 --> 00:40:08.740
you all know I love to talk about the Adam and Eve story.

629
00:40:08.740 --> 00:40:11.080
The first human response was to cover themselves,

630
00:40:11.080 --> 00:40:16.000
to hide and manage how they were seen.

631
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:18.560
Control and perfectionism were literally

632
00:40:18.560 --> 00:40:20.320
their original coping mechanisms

633
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:23.160
for that shame that they felt.

634
00:40:23.160 --> 00:40:27.940
They covered everything that they now knew was naked.

635
00:40:28.940 --> 00:40:30.660
Shame fueled that.

636
00:40:32.780 --> 00:40:35.020
So, if you're willing,

637
00:40:35.020 --> 00:40:36.540
I would love for you to put in the chat

638
00:40:36.540 --> 00:40:39.380
what route that I went through tonight, just now,

639
00:40:39.380 --> 00:40:42.620
that route of rejection, route of shame,

640
00:40:42.620 --> 00:40:45.140
unhealed disappointment, unworthiness,

641
00:40:45.140 --> 00:40:48.560
trauma and or survival, that trauma survival one.

642
00:40:48.560 --> 00:40:50.980
Which one is resonating with you the most tonight?

643
00:40:50.980 --> 00:40:53.100
You don't have to say why, you can,

644
00:40:53.100 --> 00:40:55.700
unless you want to, if you wanna name it, why,

645
00:40:55.700 --> 00:40:57.240
but more what I'm looking for

646
00:40:57.580 --> 00:41:00.520
is which one is resonating with you tonight?

647
00:41:00.520 --> 00:41:02.200
All right, some shame and trauma,

648
00:41:02.200 --> 00:41:04.300
route of rejection and shame, rejection,

649
00:41:04.300 --> 00:41:07.120
sorry, I might not keep up with these, unworthiness.

650
00:41:07.120 --> 00:41:09.440
None of them, that's great, Tim.

651
00:41:09.440 --> 00:41:12.420
Unhealed disappointment, unworthiness.

652
00:41:13.360 --> 00:41:16.680
All right, so Tim, if none of those are resonating for you,

653
00:41:16.680 --> 00:41:19.560
I would be curious for you,

654
00:41:19.560 --> 00:41:22.900
where does control and perfectionism show up in your life?

655
00:41:22.900 --> 00:41:25.840
Because most people have it somewhere.

656
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.120
Unhealed disappointment, rejection,

657
00:41:28.120 --> 00:41:29.400
we've got some survival.

658
00:41:29.400 --> 00:41:31.180
Okay, I'm gonna let you guys keep going

659
00:41:31.180 --> 00:41:32.880
and I'm gonna keep moving forward.

660
00:41:33.880 --> 00:41:35.960
The segment number three of this,

661
00:41:35.960 --> 00:41:38.160
the third aspect that I wanna talk about

662
00:41:38.160 --> 00:41:43.160
is what control and perfectionism cost us?

663
00:41:43.680 --> 00:41:47.480
Like when we walk in these things, what does it cost us?

664
00:41:47.480 --> 00:41:48.600
Oh, Tim, you're driving.

665
00:41:48.600 --> 00:41:52.480
I don't mean for you to type while you're driving there.

666
00:41:52.480 --> 00:41:53.320
All right.

667
00:41:53.320 --> 00:41:54.680
I'm sitting in the car.

668
00:41:54.680 --> 00:41:57.200
Okay, as long as you're safe, that's good.

669
00:41:57.200 --> 00:42:00.360
All right, so how do they, what do they cost us?

670
00:42:00.360 --> 00:42:01.280
Excuse me.

671
00:42:01.280 --> 00:42:04.760
They're gonna hinder our freedom and forward movement.

672
00:42:04.760 --> 00:42:09.000
Remember, when we feel like we're stuck, any of you all,

673
00:42:09.000 --> 00:42:10.360
if you feel like you're stuck right now,

674
00:42:10.360 --> 00:42:12.280
remember that that's a signal

675
00:42:12.280 --> 00:42:14.680
that there needs to be healing somewhere

676
00:42:15.800 --> 00:42:18.160
because none of us really are ever stuck.

677
00:42:19.500 --> 00:42:23.700
It's just our perception of ourselves in this situation.

678
00:42:25.680 --> 00:42:30.320
When we let control and perfectionism stay in our lives,

679
00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:35.320
they keep us in survivor mode, not thriving, surviving.

680
00:42:36.640 --> 00:42:38.920
And so maybe even be thinking about right now,

681
00:42:38.920 --> 00:42:40.880
is there any aspect where you've been

682
00:42:40.880 --> 00:42:43.960
just surviving versus thriving?

683
00:42:46.160 --> 00:42:49.080
And y'all, this doesn't have to be your whole life.

684
00:42:49.080 --> 00:42:52.160
Even myself, I think, you know,

685
00:42:52.160 --> 00:42:54.760
there's some aspects of when certain things happen

686
00:42:54.760 --> 00:42:57.200
that can trigger you, you can start to,

687
00:42:57.200 --> 00:43:01.080
we can start to shift back into survivor.

688
00:43:01.980 --> 00:43:05.560
You know, those coping mechanisms, those fear thoughts.

689
00:43:05.560 --> 00:43:07.340
And when we recognize it,

690
00:43:07.340 --> 00:43:09.000
well, then we can allow that to heal

691
00:43:09.000 --> 00:43:12.300
and learn how to shift back into thriving.

692
00:43:14.420 --> 00:43:16.480
So it's not about even in this journey,

693
00:43:16.480 --> 00:43:20.320
you all being perfect and being in complete control

694
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:22.920
of the growth and healing journey that you're on.

695
00:43:24.280 --> 00:43:26.580
Jackie says, we can either survive or thrive.

696
00:43:26.580 --> 00:43:28.740
We cannot do both.

697
00:43:29.820 --> 00:43:33.200
Control and perfectionism are survival tools.

698
00:43:33.200 --> 00:43:36.120
They were built for a season of danger,

699
00:43:36.120 --> 00:43:39.840
but they become a prison when we try to carry them

700
00:43:39.840 --> 00:43:42.140
into a season of abundance.

701
00:43:43.560 --> 00:43:45.680
How many of you want to go into abundance?

702
00:43:46.820 --> 00:43:47.920
I do.

703
00:43:47.920 --> 00:43:50.240
I want abundance in every area,

704
00:43:51.120 --> 00:43:52.080
nothing broken, nothing hindered,

705
00:43:52.080 --> 00:43:55.480
nothing lacking, completely whole.

706
00:43:55.480 --> 00:43:58.320
Like the Bible talks about lacking no good thing.

707
00:43:58.320 --> 00:44:00.280
And so in order to do that,

708
00:44:00.280 --> 00:44:02.820
in order for us to walk into that,

709
00:44:02.820 --> 00:44:05.180
we have to continue to surrender,

710
00:44:05.180 --> 00:44:07.320
continue to shed ourselves of the stuff

711
00:44:07.320 --> 00:44:09.280
that causes us to control

712
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:11.580
or believe that we have to be perfect.

713
00:44:11.580 --> 00:44:14.840
These two things also cause us to build walls.

714
00:44:14.840 --> 00:44:16.920
This is so good, y'all, if you catch this,

715
00:44:16.920 --> 00:44:18.600
instead of boundaries.

716
00:44:19.600 --> 00:44:23.800
Control and perfectionism cause us to build walls

717
00:44:23.800 --> 00:44:25.360
instead of boundaries.

718
00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:28.480
And remember when Jackie talks in the heart work course,

719
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:31.160
who tries to scale the walls?

720
00:44:31.160 --> 00:44:34.520
Thieves, thieves.

721
00:44:35.800 --> 00:44:37.600
There's a difference between a boundary

722
00:44:37.600 --> 00:44:39.880
that comes from a healed heart

723
00:44:39.880 --> 00:44:42.620
and a wall that comes from a wounded one.

724
00:44:42.620 --> 00:44:45.300
Control convinces us that keeping everyone

725
00:44:45.300 --> 00:44:48.300
at the right distance is wisdom.

726
00:44:49.200 --> 00:44:52.240
But real intimacy with God and with people

727
00:44:52.240 --> 00:44:56.740
requires surrender, not management.

728
00:44:58.740 --> 00:45:00.200
Here's, thank you, Lord.

729
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.960
The Holy Spirit's so good, you know, management shifts into place as well.

730
00:45:07.020 --> 00:45:10.880
And it can operate in both men and women, even after you get married or you're in

731
00:45:10.880 --> 00:45:15.600
a relationship where, you know, the men can start to try to father the women and

732
00:45:15.600 --> 00:45:20.200
the women can try to shift into mothering the men that's management.

733
00:45:20.200 --> 00:45:23.760
You all, that's not surrender in that relationship.

734
00:45:24.280 --> 00:45:26.000
That's not mutual submission.

735
00:45:27.000 --> 00:45:31.480
It's lording yourself in some way over the other person and stepping into a

736
00:45:31.480 --> 00:45:35.800
place in that relationship that's supposed to be a romantic one that you

737
00:45:35.800 --> 00:45:37.600
were not intended to step into.

738
00:45:39.880 --> 00:45:43.920
And so if you're going on dates or in a dating relationship and you're already

739
00:45:43.920 --> 00:45:48.000
starting to try to mother the person or father the person, that's probably

740
00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:49.320
not the best fit for you.

741
00:45:49.960 --> 00:45:54.160
And I would encourage you to look at what's causing you to step into that.

742
00:45:54.160 --> 00:45:57.400
It's okay if you all aren't, some of you aren't dating, it's good to take a

743
00:45:57.400 --> 00:46:01.040
break sometimes, or even if you haven't felt led to start yet, that's okay.

744
00:46:03.120 --> 00:46:06.560
But look at these aspects of how it might even show up this, you know, fathering

745
00:46:06.560 --> 00:46:09.440
and mothering and managing people and trying to control people can show up

746
00:46:09.440 --> 00:46:10.480
in work relationships.

747
00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:14.200
Again, it can show up in parental relationships, um, at church, like

748
00:46:14.200 --> 00:46:17.640
anywhere, so if you're not in a dating relationship, just look at other

749
00:46:17.640 --> 00:46:19.640
relationships you have right now.

750
00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:22.280
And how are you showing up in those?

751
00:46:22.320 --> 00:46:22.820
Okay.

752
00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:27.800
Control convinces you that keeping, oh, I did that one already.

753
00:46:27.800 --> 00:46:28.000
Okay.

754
00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:28.360
Sorry.

755
00:46:28.560 --> 00:46:28.800
Real.

756
00:46:28.920 --> 00:46:29.240
Okay.

757
00:46:29.800 --> 00:46:30.240
All right.

758
00:46:30.360 --> 00:46:33.840
These control and perfectionism keep us from receiving.

759
00:46:35.440 --> 00:46:38.600
You cannot receive what you are trying to control.

760
00:46:40.800 --> 00:46:43.600
You cannot receive love when you are performing for it.

761
00:46:44.680 --> 00:46:47.280
You cannot receive grace when you're trying to earn it.

762
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:53.480
When I say this next statement, you know, gentlemen, just kind of put your,

763
00:46:53.480 --> 00:46:57.840
you know, sons, daughters, just kind of, it goes together, but in the book,

764
00:46:57.840 --> 00:47:02.720
I'm quoting Jackie, she says, daughters don't strive, they surrender daughters.

765
00:47:02.720 --> 00:47:03.640
Don't slave.

766
00:47:03.680 --> 00:47:05.800
They inherit same thing for sons.

767
00:47:06.680 --> 00:47:07.880
Sons don't strive.

768
00:47:08.560 --> 00:47:09.400
They surrender.

769
00:47:09.800 --> 00:47:11.040
I even think of the prodigal son.

770
00:47:11.040 --> 00:47:16.360
You all, if you really look at all the layers of that story and what that father

771
00:47:16.480 --> 00:47:23.640
did and the, um, total, like he was willing to be shamed.

772
00:47:24.040 --> 00:47:28.960
I mean, like giving his son, the robe and the ring were a really big deal and

773
00:47:28.960 --> 00:47:32.040
throwing him a party that's on.

774
00:47:32.040 --> 00:47:33.400
All he had to do was come home.

775
00:47:35.920 --> 00:47:38.440
Control and perfectionism are striving.

776
00:47:38.880 --> 00:47:39.360
Okay.

777
00:47:40.560 --> 00:47:44.320
Control and perfectionism cut off the healing process.

778
00:47:45.160 --> 00:47:48.360
Jackie teaches that the Holy spirit needs permission to go into the places

779
00:47:48.360 --> 00:47:53.840
in our hearts that need healing and control puts that you guys, I talk about

780
00:47:53.840 --> 00:47:59.120
all the time that do not enter sign, do not disturb sign up on our hearts, on

781
00:47:59.120 --> 00:48:04.920
the exact doors of the areas where we need healing the most, and this is how

782
00:48:04.920 --> 00:48:11.360
it can kind of show up is, um, you start to move into relationship and something

783
00:48:11.360 --> 00:48:16.320
happens and you get triggered and you automatically just like walls up, push

784
00:48:16.320 --> 00:48:21.280
people away, get really like some people, some of y'all get really nasty to

785
00:48:21.280 --> 00:48:22.080
people.

786
00:48:22.600 --> 00:48:24.320
Some of those people get nasty to you.

787
00:48:24.360 --> 00:48:27.600
Like it's, you know, that's, that's a reaction.

788
00:48:27.600 --> 00:48:29.440
That's not a response that's happening.

789
00:48:29.440 --> 00:48:35.440
And so if you have big reactions to people, even if what they're saying is

790
00:48:35.440 --> 00:48:40.040
not healthy, okay, y'all remember, I think it was one of the last times I led

791
00:48:40.040 --> 00:48:43.800
a session, I was talking all about that man, that about the hot dog situation.

792
00:48:44.560 --> 00:48:46.880
If you don't know what that is, you can listen back to one of my previous

793
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:49.800
sessions, but that was very offensive.

794
00:48:50.360 --> 00:48:55.720
I was very upset, but I didn't allow myself to escalate with that guy.

795
00:48:56.960 --> 00:49:00.760
I just kindly was like, okay, bless you.

796
00:49:01.040 --> 00:49:01.720
I'm done now.

797
00:49:02.600 --> 00:49:03.520
I'm done with this.

798
00:49:04.400 --> 00:49:05.880
Um, this isn't working for me.

799
00:49:06.680 --> 00:49:10.720
And so we can be kind and, and really look at what's going on.

800
00:49:10.720 --> 00:49:12.880
Are we still willing to surrender for some of you?

801
00:49:12.920 --> 00:49:14.600
Um, you know, it can be really tough.

802
00:49:14.600 --> 00:49:17.320
I just heard the Holy spirit say, some of you are like, I just feel like I

803
00:49:17.320 --> 00:49:22.920
surrender all the time and nothing is working and I really want to encourage

804
00:49:22.920 --> 00:49:27.760
you if that's you, I want you to ask the Lord where that lie came from.

805
00:49:30.680 --> 00:49:32.760
Because here's the reality.

806
00:49:33.200 --> 00:49:34.680
I started, started earlier.

807
00:49:35.240 --> 00:49:37.320
Something is always working.

808
00:49:39.040 --> 00:49:43.200
We all like, unless you're dead, here's the reality.

809
00:49:43.400 --> 00:49:46.360
If you're trying to move forward, if you're really trying to work on

810
00:49:46.360 --> 00:49:49.960
yourself, if you're really applying the coaching, you all should be having

811
00:49:49.960 --> 00:49:55.960
some wins somewhere, even if it's not in the romantic relationship right now.

812
00:49:56.240 --> 00:49:59.960
You know, Jackie talked before about what fields is your life.

813
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.800
ready for harvest in your life right now.

814
00:50:03.800 --> 00:50:06.120
Sometimes, unfortunately, the romance

815
00:50:06.120 --> 00:50:08.560
isn't the right field right now.

816
00:50:08.560 --> 00:50:12.360
But that doesn't mean it's never going to be.

817
00:50:12.360 --> 00:50:14.000
But maybe you're going to harvest over

818
00:50:14.000 --> 00:50:17.640
in the financial field or moving to a new location field.

819
00:50:17.640 --> 00:50:19.280
I don't know.

820
00:50:19.280 --> 00:50:20.840
Writing a book, we have people in here

821
00:50:20.840 --> 00:50:23.920
that have written books since they've started this program.

822
00:50:23.920 --> 00:50:25.400
Powerful.

823
00:50:25.400 --> 00:50:28.280
That was a field that they were ready to harvest.

824
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:31.320
And they seized that moment.

825
00:50:31.320 --> 00:50:34.080
So if we're sitting here saying, I'm doing all this work

826
00:50:34.080 --> 00:50:36.360
and God's just not showing up for me,

827
00:50:36.360 --> 00:50:41.520
he's not doing his part, that's basically what we're saying.

828
00:50:41.520 --> 00:50:44.560
That is a lie from the enemy.

829
00:50:44.560 --> 00:50:46.680
And so we have to be willing to really look

830
00:50:46.680 --> 00:50:48.040
at where is that coming from.

831
00:50:48.040 --> 00:50:50.560
OK, here's another one.

832
00:50:50.560 --> 00:50:52.520
A lot of times when we are partnering

833
00:50:52.520 --> 00:50:55.200
with control and perfectionism, we

834
00:50:55.200 --> 00:50:58.720
will project those onto other people.

835
00:50:58.720 --> 00:51:00.600
This is really important.

836
00:51:00.600 --> 00:51:02.640
And we're going to kind of slow down for a minute

837
00:51:02.640 --> 00:51:03.720
and we're going to go here.

838
00:51:03.720 --> 00:51:06.520
And this might get some ouches.

839
00:51:06.520 --> 00:51:10.360
I had some today myself.

840
00:51:10.360 --> 00:51:13.840
When we struggle with perfectionism personally,

841
00:51:13.840 --> 00:51:15.920
here are some things that we can project

842
00:51:15.920 --> 00:51:19.880
onto the people around us.

843
00:51:19.880 --> 00:51:23.280
Holding other people to standards they never agreed to.

844
00:51:27.600 --> 00:51:30.040
Here's a reality.

845
00:51:30.040 --> 00:51:33.600
Y'all can date for a year, two years, three years

846
00:51:33.600 --> 00:51:37.200
before you get married, whatever that looks like for you.

847
00:51:37.200 --> 00:51:39.840
And you can still not know the person completely.

848
00:51:39.840 --> 00:51:41.920
And you're going to keep getting to know them.

849
00:51:41.920 --> 00:51:43.880
For those that were married a long time before

850
00:51:43.880 --> 00:51:46.480
and you have people that, former spouses that passed away,

851
00:51:46.480 --> 00:51:48.840
you know this, right?

852
00:51:48.840 --> 00:51:50.600
We're forever getting to know each other.

853
00:51:50.600 --> 00:51:53.640
Because guess what also happens is every season we go through,

854
00:51:53.640 --> 00:51:55.640
we change.

855
00:51:55.640 --> 00:51:56.600
I change.

856
00:51:56.600 --> 00:51:57.760
Brian changes.

857
00:51:57.760 --> 00:52:00.680
Everything we're going through causes us to change again.

858
00:52:00.680 --> 00:52:02.880
So if we think we're just going to know that person

859
00:52:02.880 --> 00:52:04.960
and that's just it, or they're going to know us

860
00:52:04.960 --> 00:52:07.640
and they're just going to always know what to do or say,

861
00:52:07.640 --> 00:52:10.800
that is unrealistic.

862
00:52:10.800 --> 00:52:12.880
And so hopefully, you hear me tonight.

863
00:52:12.880 --> 00:52:15.320
Because that might be something that will help some of you

864
00:52:15.320 --> 00:52:16.960
just be set free even in the way you're

865
00:52:16.960 --> 00:52:19.280
approaching your current dating relationship right now.

866
00:52:21.880 --> 00:52:27.320
Are you holding them to a standard they didn't agree to?

867
00:52:27.320 --> 00:52:31.800
This is for some of you with your kids, too.

868
00:52:31.800 --> 00:52:34.120
Remember, we're supposed to train up a child in the way

869
00:52:34.120 --> 00:52:36.880
that they should go.

870
00:52:36.880 --> 00:52:40.400
It doesn't say the way that we think they should go.

871
00:52:40.400 --> 00:52:42.440
It's the way that they should go.

872
00:52:42.440 --> 00:52:46.120
What is God telling them for their life?

873
00:52:46.120 --> 00:52:51.320
We have right now, one of our people on staff

874
00:52:51.320 --> 00:52:57.000
here at our church was telling us, like Brian and myself,

875
00:52:57.000 --> 00:53:00.440
God led us to move from Indiana here.

876
00:53:00.440 --> 00:53:03.320
This same staff member, kind of interestingly enough,

877
00:53:03.320 --> 00:53:05.120
also was in Indiana.

878
00:53:05.120 --> 00:53:07.160
And God led them here.

879
00:53:07.160 --> 00:53:10.520
And he was telling us that his family did not

880
00:53:10.520 --> 00:53:12.960
want them to come here.

881
00:53:12.960 --> 00:53:15.120
And they're still mad about it.

882
00:53:15.120 --> 00:53:18.400
And remind him of that all the time.

883
00:53:18.400 --> 00:53:24.480
And I was just thinking, like, you know, God called them.

884
00:53:24.480 --> 00:53:28.080
But yet the parents have this standard and expectation

885
00:53:28.080 --> 00:53:31.400
that they're not willing to let go of.

886
00:53:31.400 --> 00:53:34.200
And it's harming the relationship.

887
00:53:34.200 --> 00:53:35.720
And not only that, it's harming it

888
00:53:35.720 --> 00:53:38.760
between the son and his parents and the now daughter-in-law

889
00:53:38.760 --> 00:53:39.400
and the parents.

890
00:53:39.400 --> 00:53:40.160
I mean, they're OK.

891
00:53:40.160 --> 00:53:41.280
They're working through it.

892
00:53:41.280 --> 00:53:44.520
But it's also impacting this guy's, all of the way

893
00:53:44.520 --> 00:53:48.120
his siblings are treating him now, too.

894
00:53:48.120 --> 00:53:50.360
We have to think about what we're saying

895
00:53:50.360 --> 00:53:52.920
and what we're doing and how we're, like,

896
00:53:52.920 --> 00:53:55.160
trying to control and hold on to people.

897
00:53:55.160 --> 00:53:57.080
Yeah, it's hard when our kids grow up.

898
00:53:57.080 --> 00:53:59.440
And even when they're doing things that we know, man,

899
00:53:59.440 --> 00:54:02.880
they should not be doing that.

900
00:54:02.880 --> 00:54:05.360
It's heartbreaking sometimes.

901
00:54:05.360 --> 00:54:08.080
But that's why we're called to intercede and pray for them.

902
00:54:08.080 --> 00:54:10.000
I'm going to go on to the next one.

903
00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:12.520
Becoming quietly critical when people

904
00:54:12.520 --> 00:54:17.400
don't do things the right way, which is your way.

905
00:54:17.400 --> 00:54:19.080
All right, I'm going to tell on myself.

906
00:54:19.080 --> 00:54:21.440
Y'all, I've been so much better about this.

907
00:54:21.440 --> 00:54:22.440
I really have been.

908
00:54:22.440 --> 00:54:24.920
But this is just a small example.

909
00:54:24.920 --> 00:54:28.840
So I like the dishwasher packed a certain way.

910
00:54:31.840 --> 00:54:35.400
And my husband doesn't really like to do dishes, you all.

911
00:54:35.400 --> 00:54:38.360
But on occasion, when the sink gets too full,

912
00:54:38.360 --> 00:54:40.640
y'all, normally I'm just on it.

913
00:54:40.680 --> 00:54:44.840
A clean sink is, like, gold to me.

914
00:54:44.840 --> 00:54:47.040
I don't like dishes stacking up.

915
00:54:47.040 --> 00:54:48.640
I don't ever, I'm not mean, like,

916
00:54:48.640 --> 00:54:49.960
I don't harp on him about it.

917
00:54:49.960 --> 00:54:53.600
I just, but I do sometimes feel a little, like, resentment.

918
00:54:53.600 --> 00:54:56.120
Like, can he not see these dishes in here?

919
00:54:56.120 --> 00:54:57.280
Just being real.

920
00:54:58.240 --> 00:54:59.680
But here's what happens.

921
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.600
When the dishes, when I do let them go,

922
00:55:03.480 --> 00:55:06.600
he will eventually see that the sink is way too full

923
00:55:06.600 --> 00:55:08.360
and he will offer to do them.

924
00:55:09.600 --> 00:55:14.600
And he just doesn't pack the dishwasher the way that I do.

925
00:55:17.400 --> 00:55:19.080
And when we first got married,

926
00:55:19.080 --> 00:55:21.580
I would go in there and rearrange the stuff.

927
00:55:24.000 --> 00:55:28.560
And the last couple years, the Lord's just like,

928
00:55:29.520 --> 00:55:31.740
Now, you all, I'm a super organized person.

929
00:55:31.740 --> 00:55:33.820
So I'm like, well, I can fit more stuff in here

930
00:55:33.820 --> 00:55:35.820
if I just change the way this is.

931
00:55:36.700 --> 00:55:39.180
But you know, the Lord has been whispering to me

932
00:55:39.180 --> 00:55:42.020
from time to time, just let it go.

933
00:55:43.500 --> 00:55:44.500
Just let it go.

934
00:55:45.580 --> 00:55:46.740
I see some people laughing.

935
00:55:46.740 --> 00:55:50.720
So you guys must be relating to me in some way here.

936
00:55:50.720 --> 00:55:52.620
But this is a small example.

937
00:55:52.620 --> 00:55:57.340
But even like, you know, maybe it's just, you know,

938
00:55:57.340 --> 00:55:59.700
I know one, I heard this story that some,

939
00:55:59.700 --> 00:56:04.220
this one guy going, oh, you all, going through Simbis.

940
00:56:04.220 --> 00:56:07.140
He told his wife, don't wash my clothes

941
00:56:07.140 --> 00:56:09.500
because you can't do it the way I want it done.

942
00:56:11.060 --> 00:56:13.100
Legit, this stuff happens.

943
00:56:13.100 --> 00:56:15.260
We've had people get married

944
00:56:15.260 --> 00:56:17.260
and then the women not let the men move stuff

945
00:56:17.260 --> 00:56:19.860
into the house because the man was moving

946
00:56:19.860 --> 00:56:21.500
into the woman's house.

947
00:56:21.500 --> 00:56:23.900
Highly recommend you all one day,

948
00:56:23.900 --> 00:56:26.140
if it's gonna be like that,

949
00:56:26.140 --> 00:56:29.540
choose a new house where y'all move into it together.

950
00:56:29.540 --> 00:56:31.560
But anyways, you know, this is where, again,

951
00:56:31.560 --> 00:56:33.540
this critical spirit comes into play.

952
00:56:33.540 --> 00:56:36.700
Like, you know, if they don't do it how you do it,

953
00:56:36.700 --> 00:56:38.500
it's not good enough.

954
00:56:39.380 --> 00:56:41.560
And I've had to really watch that.

955
00:56:42.660 --> 00:56:44.560
But you know where that came from?

956
00:56:44.560 --> 00:56:45.880
My mom was like that.

957
00:56:49.240 --> 00:56:52.360
If the dishwasher wasn't done the way she wanted it,

958
00:56:52.360 --> 00:56:54.460
when she came home, if my brother's chores,

959
00:56:54.460 --> 00:56:56.380
I think I told you guys this before,

960
00:56:56.380 --> 00:56:57.700
if my brother's chores weren't done,

961
00:56:57.700 --> 00:57:00.060
even if mine were done and my sister's were done,

962
00:57:00.060 --> 00:57:02.080
if my brother's weren't,

963
00:57:02.080 --> 00:57:04.220
my sister and I would get in trouble.

964
00:57:04.220 --> 00:57:06.180
There was just this high standard

965
00:57:07.500 --> 00:57:09.240
and high level of responsibility

966
00:57:09.240 --> 00:57:12.300
that I felt like I had to take on for other people.

967
00:57:12.300 --> 00:57:14.220
And that plays out even in this way.

968
00:57:14.220 --> 00:57:15.620
Okay, I'm gonna keep going.

969
00:57:15.620 --> 00:57:17.460
Feeling genuinely irritated by people

970
00:57:17.460 --> 00:57:20.620
who seem unbothered or sloppy.

971
00:57:20.620 --> 00:57:22.740
This kind of partners with the last one.

972
00:57:25.380 --> 00:57:30.380
Becoming a difficult person to feel safe around people

973
00:57:30.380 --> 00:57:34.700
because the unspoken bar is too high.

974
00:57:38.460 --> 00:57:41.460
I'm sorry, becoming a difficult person to feel safe around.

975
00:57:41.460 --> 00:57:44.340
Like that you aren't safe for other people

976
00:57:45.540 --> 00:57:48.200
because the unspoken bar is so high.

977
00:57:48.200 --> 00:57:50.940
So I want you to be thinking about right now.

978
00:57:51.940 --> 00:57:55.060
Do you struggle to keep friends?

979
00:57:57.700 --> 00:58:01.600
Do you struggle to make deep connections with people?

980
00:58:03.340 --> 00:58:07.180
Do people tend to ask you to stop being so negative?

981
00:58:10.460 --> 00:58:11.340
There's other things,

982
00:58:11.340 --> 00:58:14.420
but those are just a couple coming up in my spirit.

983
00:58:14.420 --> 00:58:18.660
Is the bar too high for other people to reach it?

984
00:58:18.660 --> 00:58:19.500
Here's another one.

985
00:58:19.500 --> 00:58:24.060
Withdrawing love or warmth when someone disappoints you,

986
00:58:24.060 --> 00:58:26.460
even if you never say a word to them.

987
00:58:29.020 --> 00:58:31.740
I know this happens, you all.

988
00:58:31.740 --> 00:58:33.320
And especially those of us

989
00:58:33.320 --> 00:58:35.940
that have grown up in environments,

990
00:58:35.940 --> 00:58:38.720
like I love my mom, you all,

991
00:58:38.720 --> 00:58:41.260
but my mom was very manipulative.

992
00:58:41.260 --> 00:58:45.260
And there was a lot of passive aggressive behavior,

993
00:58:45.780 --> 00:58:50.500
manipulation, narcissistic tendencies.

994
00:58:50.500 --> 00:58:53.580
And then I married someone with those tendencies

995
00:58:53.580 --> 00:58:55.140
and very abusive behaviors.

996
00:58:55.140 --> 00:58:57.740
And then went on to date several other people

997
00:58:58.660 --> 00:58:59.620
that were like that.

998
00:58:59.620 --> 00:59:02.020
And then all the gaslighting came into play

999
00:59:02.020 --> 00:59:03.580
and love bombing and all those things.

1000
00:59:03.580 --> 00:59:06.860
And every time it was like it kept growing

1001
00:59:06.860 --> 00:59:08.840
until I learned how to heal

1002
00:59:08.840 --> 00:59:11.180
and not attract those kinds of people.

1003
00:59:11.180 --> 00:59:15.260
But I will tell you that growing up in that environment,

1004
00:59:15.260 --> 00:59:18.340
like even another example I'll give you,

1005
00:59:18.340 --> 00:59:19.180
like my mom,

1006
00:59:19.180 --> 00:59:20.740
cause this is where I was going with my mom,

1007
00:59:20.740 --> 00:59:24.700
like she would withdraw love and warmth

1008
00:59:24.700 --> 00:59:26.660
if she was upset with us about something.

1009
00:59:26.660 --> 00:59:28.240
So two things come to mind.

1010
00:59:29.900 --> 00:59:31.820
When my dad got remarried,

1011
00:59:31.820 --> 00:59:33.660
which we all got caught off guard,

1012
00:59:33.660 --> 00:59:36.060
like we didn't even know that he was seeing someone

1013
00:59:36.060 --> 00:59:39.500
until one day my brother called my dad's house

1014
00:59:39.500 --> 00:59:40.860
and this boy answered.

1015
00:59:40.860 --> 00:59:43.860
And he basically was like, I'm gonna be your brother.

1016
00:59:43.860 --> 00:59:45.300
And yeah, that's how we found out

1017
00:59:45.300 --> 00:59:46.580
my dad was getting remarried.

1018
00:59:46.580 --> 00:59:49.640
And then like within a few weeks, the wedding was happening.

1019
00:59:49.640 --> 00:59:51.700
I didn't want to go, but my grandparents begged me.

1020
00:59:51.700 --> 00:59:55.660
So I did go and my sister went.

1021
00:59:55.660 --> 00:59:57.960
When we came home, now mind you,

1022
00:59:57.960 --> 00:59:59.700
my grandma did a really dumb thing.

1023
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.200
She brought cake from that wedding, home for my brothers, to my mom's house.

1024
01:00:06.240 --> 01:00:14.160
Not cool. But here's why I'm saying this. My mom got so hurt by that, that she literally

1025
01:00:14.160 --> 01:00:19.520
wouldn't speak even to my sister and I the rest of the night. Like, she never spoke to us the rest

1026
01:00:19.520 --> 01:00:25.760
of that night. Another example is when I told my mom about the abuse that happened with my brothers,

1027
01:00:26.720 --> 01:00:33.280
she literally said nothing to me and walked away. The next day, she never spoke to me.

1028
01:00:34.240 --> 01:00:39.840
The whole day. And I don't even know when the next time. I can't even remember. I just know

1029
01:00:39.840 --> 01:00:44.720
that the next day, she said nothing. She was in a massive cleaning, cleaned the house,

1030
01:00:44.720 --> 01:00:49.920
wouldn't speak to anybody. And so I don't know what it was like to be her in that moment.

1031
01:00:49.920 --> 01:00:54.640
So I'm not casting judgment on her. Years ago, I did. I had to learn how to not do that.

1032
01:00:55.760 --> 01:01:01.120
I'm just saying, those were like, she was withdrawing love and warmth because she was

1033
01:01:01.120 --> 01:01:06.720
hurt and disappointed in those situations. And sometimes it wasn't even my fault.

1034
01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:10.960
And those are big ones, but it also happened in little ones too.

1035
01:01:13.760 --> 01:01:19.200
So no matter how it happens, withdrawing love or warmth when someone disappoints us

1036
01:01:19.760 --> 01:01:25.920
is, again, where we're expecting people to be perfect. And it's just not a healthy way for us

1037
01:01:25.920 --> 01:01:30.160
to live. Here's one last one, and then we're going to move on. Making people feel like they

1038
01:01:30.160 --> 01:01:37.040
are never quite enough for you, even if that's not your intention. And, you know, again, sometimes

1039
01:01:37.040 --> 01:01:41.440
we do things subconsciously. So we just want to look at that and see where it's coming from.

1040
01:01:43.520 --> 01:01:47.920
So we want to sit with these a little bit in the weeks ahead. And again, you might,

1041
01:01:47.920 --> 01:01:53.840
you might be like, yeah, none of this is me. And if that's really true, cool. But I really want to

1042
01:01:53.840 --> 01:01:59.200
encourage you just to ask the Lord, like, does this, any of this apply to me? Do I show up in

1043
01:01:59.200 --> 01:02:04.320
any of these ways? Because perfection, the perfectionism we refuse to bring to God,

1044
01:02:04.320 --> 01:02:10.080
the control we refuse to bring to God, doesn't just stay on the inside of us. It actually bleeds

1045
01:02:10.640 --> 01:02:18.480
out onto the people closest to us. Okay, so I'm going to activate you in the chat.

1046
01:02:20.800 --> 01:02:24.400
Yeah, some other people are relating to some things I was saying about my mom there. Sorry,

1047
01:02:24.400 --> 01:02:28.320
I was, I was kind of into what I was talking to you all about. So I wasn't keeping up with the chat.

1048
01:02:30.320 --> 01:02:36.720
Okay, so has perfectionism, this is my question to you, has perfectionism or control ever created

1049
01:02:36.800 --> 01:02:44.240
distance in a relationship with a friend, a family member, someone you were dating or married to,

1050
01:02:44.240 --> 01:02:51.280
you don't have to name the person by name, okay? Just you can say yes, no, or working on it.

1051
01:02:52.640 --> 01:03:00.080
Yes, it has. These have impacted. They haven't or I'm working on it. A lot of yeses. Me too.

1052
01:03:00.400 --> 01:03:05.200
This one just came up in my spirit too. How many of you, like someone you're praying for them to

1053
01:03:05.200 --> 01:03:10.880
give their life to Christ, you're just trying to really control that process in their lives?

1054
01:03:12.080 --> 01:03:16.480
That's another way that that can kind of show up in the Christian world a lot.

1055
01:03:19.920 --> 01:03:24.000
All right, thanks guys. Thanks everyone for chiming in. It's helpful to see where everyone's

1056
01:03:24.000 --> 01:03:28.720
kind of at with this. I know a lot of people are kind of like, oh, I don't know, I don't know,

1057
01:03:28.720 --> 01:03:35.280
I don't know where everyone's kind of at with this. We might even want to take this deeper,

1058
01:03:35.840 --> 01:03:39.360
depending on how the rest of tonight goes. I'm already at nine, but I still have more,

1059
01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:43.600
so bear with me. If we have time for the heartwork seat, we'll definitely open up for it. We'll just

1060
01:03:43.600 --> 01:03:50.480
see how this last segment goes. All right, so how do we come, how do we, how do we shift out

1061
01:03:50.480 --> 01:03:58.160
how do we shift out of perfectionism? Y'all, surrender. Remember in the heartwork,

1062
01:03:58.160 --> 01:04:03.600
surrendering the pen. Y'all get that permission slip back out. I'm telling you, don't go get your

1063
01:04:03.600 --> 01:04:09.200
old one out. Print a new one. If you're like, where do I get that? For those of you that are

1064
01:04:09.200 --> 01:04:13.440
in phase three, when you go in the last year single app and you click on the courses tab,

1065
01:04:13.440 --> 01:04:17.920
you're going to see the heartwork is in there for you. It's not your old one that you kind of had

1066
01:04:17.920 --> 01:04:23.120
all your percentages, but if you go in there, that worksheet's in there for you. The gentleman,

1067
01:04:23.120 --> 01:04:27.040
it's going to be the same thing. You're going to go in your courses tab and you're going to look

1068
01:04:27.040 --> 01:04:32.720
in the course and you'll find that, that surrender should be in the welcome area as well as week one.

1069
01:04:32.720 --> 01:04:39.920
Print that out. I want you to fill it out like it's the first time, fresh, and ask the Lord,

1070
01:04:39.920 --> 01:04:45.360
is there anything I need to surrender regarding control and perfectionism? And let's just apply

1071
01:04:45.360 --> 01:04:50.160
it to that. And then what I love to do is encourage you all to put it up somewhere where

1072
01:04:50.160 --> 01:04:56.960
you can see it and where you're praying about it consistently right now. Okay. All right. So

1073
01:04:56.960 --> 01:04:59.840
number one is surrender, but here's the other thing.

1074
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.840
We have to come out of agreement with those things.

1075
01:05:04.840 --> 01:05:09.680
So remember, the way we do this is repentance, confession,

1076
01:05:09.680 --> 01:05:12.720
forgiveness.

1077
01:05:12.720 --> 01:05:15.440
Remember, confession, excuse me.

1078
01:05:15.440 --> 01:05:18.200
I totally mixed up repentance and confession together.

1079
01:05:18.200 --> 01:05:19.240
That was really funny.

1080
01:05:19.240 --> 01:05:22.360
Repentance is coming out of agreement

1081
01:05:22.360 --> 01:05:25.800
with the lie underneath the surface, OK?

1082
01:05:25.800 --> 01:05:29.520
So for example, the lie underneath of control is,

1083
01:05:29.520 --> 01:05:31.880
and again, there's more, but this is one for tonight.

1084
01:05:31.880 --> 01:05:36.120
I cannot trust anyone, including God, to come through for me.

1085
01:05:39.040 --> 01:05:42.440
A lie underneath of control a lot of the time

1086
01:05:42.440 --> 01:05:45.960
is, I cannot trust anyone, including God,

1087
01:05:45.960 --> 01:05:47.360
to come through for me.

1088
01:05:47.360 --> 01:05:50.040
And then what we do is, this is where we are like that whole

1089
01:05:50.040 --> 01:05:52.080
Jesus take the wheel, no, then we give it back,

1090
01:05:52.080 --> 01:05:54.120
then we take it back, then we give it, you know,

1091
01:05:54.120 --> 01:05:55.800
that whole thing.

1092
01:05:55.800 --> 01:05:58.320
That's what we're talking about right now, OK?

1093
01:05:58.320 --> 01:06:00.240
The lie underneath of perfectionism

1094
01:06:00.240 --> 01:06:02.960
is, my worth is conditional.

1095
01:06:02.960 --> 01:06:05.920
I have to earn my place.

1096
01:06:05.920 --> 01:06:09.920
These are lies, and the first step is saying out loud,

1097
01:06:09.920 --> 01:06:13.480
I have been believing this, whatever this is,

1098
01:06:13.480 --> 01:06:18.120
and I am choosing to come out of agreement with it.

1099
01:06:18.120 --> 01:06:21.680
Back in the day, when Jackie said,

1100
01:06:21.680 --> 01:06:25.040
you know, to come out of agreement with independence

1101
01:06:25.040 --> 01:06:28.800
and come into agreement with interdependence on God, man,

1102
01:06:28.800 --> 01:06:31.440
that hit me like deep.

1103
01:06:31.440 --> 01:06:33.400
And I remember just writing it on a Post-it note

1104
01:06:33.400 --> 01:06:35.080
and sticking it on my bathroom mirror,

1105
01:06:35.080 --> 01:06:37.280
and I prayed that over myself a lot.

1106
01:06:41.840 --> 01:06:44.840
Because, you know, I had convinced myself as a teenager.

1107
01:06:44.840 --> 01:06:47.080
Because imagine, like, even in that moment,

1108
01:06:47.080 --> 01:06:48.600
I told my mom that horrible stuff,

1109
01:06:48.600 --> 01:06:50.400
and she just left me alone to deal with it.

1110
01:06:50.400 --> 01:06:53.760
She never circled back to that with me.

1111
01:06:53.760 --> 01:06:56.120
And even as an adult, I tried to talk to her about it,

1112
01:06:56.120 --> 01:06:58.880
and she was really never able or willing to do it.

1113
01:07:01.440 --> 01:07:03.440
And I have forgiven her for that.

1114
01:07:03.440 --> 01:07:06.160
But y'all, when you go through situations like that,

1115
01:07:06.160 --> 01:07:09.600
when we go through stuff, even small things,

1116
01:07:09.600 --> 01:07:13.680
we believe the lie that nobody's going to help us,

1117
01:07:13.680 --> 01:07:15.240
nobody's going to come through for us,

1118
01:07:15.240 --> 01:07:18.040
so I just got to, I have to do it myself.

1119
01:07:18.040 --> 01:07:21.840
Remember that little mantra we learn as little kids?

1120
01:07:21.840 --> 01:07:24.000
We throw tantrums as two-year-olds.

1121
01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:26.560
I want to do it myself, do it myself, do it myself.

1122
01:07:26.560 --> 01:07:30.680
Well, that is still on the inside of us in some areas,

1123
01:07:30.680 --> 01:07:34.080
and it's showing up and manifesting in different ways.

1124
01:07:34.080 --> 01:07:35.160
Hey, confession.

1125
01:07:35.160 --> 01:07:38.000
Remember, confession is letting it actually be seen.

1126
01:07:38.000 --> 01:07:40.840
So remember, confessing our sins one to another.

1127
01:07:40.840 --> 01:07:42.680
Y'all, if this is hitting home for you,

1128
01:07:42.680 --> 01:07:43.880
I want to encourage you to come in

1129
01:07:43.880 --> 01:07:45.880
and confess it in the groups this week.

1130
01:07:46.760 --> 01:07:48.000
Be seen in this.

1131
01:07:48.000 --> 01:07:49.920
Don't be afraid of it.

1132
01:07:49.920 --> 01:07:51.760
We all have imperfections.

1133
01:07:52.560 --> 01:07:53.560
We all are healing.

1134
01:07:54.440 --> 01:07:55.800
Remember I started out tonight?

1135
01:07:55.800 --> 01:07:56.880
We're in this together.

1136
01:07:56.880 --> 01:07:59.000
I've been confessing to you all all night.

1137
01:08:00.080 --> 01:08:03.000
I still sometimes look in that dishwasher

1138
01:08:03.000 --> 01:08:07.360
and like, mm, I might want to move that around.

1139
01:08:07.360 --> 01:08:09.760
Okay, I can do this.

1140
01:08:09.760 --> 01:08:11.040
I can let it go.

1141
01:08:11.040 --> 01:08:12.960
I have to remind myself.

1142
01:08:15.880 --> 01:08:16.840
I use the dishwasher

1143
01:08:16.840 --> 01:08:18.319
because I'm trying to lighten the mood too,

1144
01:08:18.319 --> 01:08:20.840
because, you know, telling heavy, hard stories,

1145
01:08:20.840 --> 01:08:24.080
you got to balance it out with some lighthearted, fun stuff.

1146
01:08:24.080 --> 01:08:26.800
But you guys, some of you all are going to remember this

1147
01:08:26.800 --> 01:08:29.680
when you're married and you're staring at your dishwasher

1148
01:08:29.680 --> 01:08:32.439
thinking the same thing I'm saying tonight.

1149
01:08:32.439 --> 01:08:33.439
Praise the Lord.

1150
01:08:33.439 --> 01:08:36.479
God helps us in the little things as much as the big things.

1151
01:08:36.479 --> 01:08:38.319
So back to this confession.

1152
01:08:38.319 --> 01:08:42.040
Remember, you know, there is so much power

1153
01:08:43.760 --> 01:08:46.760
in what can be accessed through vulnerability.

1154
01:08:47.760 --> 01:08:49.520
Remember, you want to tell the right people.

1155
01:08:49.520 --> 01:08:50.960
You want to tell people that are safe.

1156
01:08:50.960 --> 01:08:53.359
This community is a safe place.

1157
01:08:53.359 --> 01:08:56.399
The person, you know, the people,

1158
01:08:56.399 --> 01:09:01.399
those of us who have been white-knuckling control for years,

1159
01:09:01.399 --> 01:09:04.560
quietly performing for everyone around us,

1160
01:09:05.720 --> 01:09:08.399
there's something so powerful when we just say,

1161
01:09:08.399 --> 01:09:13.000
I have been exhausted trying to manage everything

1162
01:09:13.000 --> 01:09:14.120
and I'm tired.

1163
01:09:16.240 --> 01:09:18.240
Y'all, when I read this today, as I was putting,

1164
01:09:18.240 --> 01:09:20.399
just thinking about some of the things

1165
01:09:20.399 --> 01:09:24.560
as I was processing things I've written down,

1166
01:09:24.560 --> 01:09:27.560
and this was one of the things I wrote down over the years.

1167
01:09:28.760 --> 01:09:32.680
I'm tired, I'm exhausted of trying to hold it all together

1168
01:09:32.680 --> 01:09:35.120
when I don't feel like I have it together at all.

1169
01:09:38.680 --> 01:09:41.920
The perfectionism in me has over the years,

1170
01:09:41.920 --> 01:09:44.960
and it's something I have to really try to keep in check,

1171
01:09:45.720 --> 01:09:50.319
and has tried to cause me to run myself ragged for everyone.

1172
01:09:51.200 --> 01:09:54.720
And then I tend to be the one that gets the last.

1173
01:09:56.160 --> 01:09:59.160
And I have to really work at taking care of myself.

1174
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.640
going and getting massages, you know, getting my nails done if I want to do that,

1175
01:10:04.640 --> 01:10:09.000
getting my hair done. Those are simple things that help me feed back into myself.

1176
01:10:09.960 --> 01:10:13.480
Let God pour into me as other people are taking care of me.

1177
01:10:14.720 --> 01:10:17.200
It's worth it for me to budget for that stuff.

1178
01:10:17.560 --> 01:10:20.600
You guys might not care about that. Maybe for you, it's going on a walk,

1179
01:10:21.200 --> 01:10:22.360
whatever it is for you.

1180
01:10:22.360 --> 01:10:26.160
You got to find those things because we're out.

1181
01:10:26.160 --> 01:10:30.400
Some of us are so out of balance and we're resenting everybody else around us for

1182
01:10:30.400 --> 01:10:31.240
it.

1183
01:10:33.480 --> 01:10:35.160
And God's wanting us to come out of that.

1184
01:10:35.200 --> 01:10:38.720
He's wanting us to know that we don't have to try to manage this dating

1185
01:10:38.720 --> 01:10:42.920
relationship. You guys, yes, I just said that.

1186
01:10:42.920 --> 01:10:45.600
You don't have to manage your dating relationship.

1187
01:10:47.160 --> 01:10:50.000
If you're having fun and you're getting to know them,

1188
01:10:50.040 --> 01:10:52.120
even in the awkward moments, you all,

1189
01:10:52.680 --> 01:10:56.480
you don't have to manage it and try to control it and make sure everything

1190
01:10:56.480 --> 01:11:00.400
happens the way I remember when, when Brian, a couple of things.

1191
01:11:00.400 --> 01:11:04.080
One time he was on the way, for those of you that don't know the story with my

1192
01:11:04.080 --> 01:11:06.320
husband and I, we were long distance,

1193
01:11:06.320 --> 01:11:10.800
four hours apart and he drove almost every weekend to come and see me.

1194
01:11:10.920 --> 01:11:12.960
And then on occasion I would drive to Indiana.

1195
01:11:13.440 --> 01:11:18.200
But one time he was on the way to see me and it was like a torrential

1196
01:11:18.200 --> 01:11:21.160
downpour. It was raining so hard and he's driving in the rain.

1197
01:11:21.280 --> 01:11:25.360
His car literally hydroplaned and spun off the road.

1198
01:11:25.640 --> 01:11:29.440
Praise the Lord. He was not harmed. I don't know how it was by God's grace.

1199
01:11:29.480 --> 01:11:34.320
There was like four lanes of freeway, cars all over the freeway. No one hit him.

1200
01:11:34.800 --> 01:11:37.120
And so he was able to drive out of there.

1201
01:11:37.480 --> 01:11:40.680
But you want to know what, what also happened in my spirit?

1202
01:11:40.720 --> 01:11:44.160
I was praising God that he was safe, but I remember thinking,

1203
01:11:45.280 --> 01:11:46.640
our date is ruined now.

1204
01:11:46.640 --> 01:11:50.920
We've had, we have flesh, y'all. We have flesh and it shows up.

1205
01:11:52.200 --> 01:11:55.600
I dealt with that quickly because of course it wasn't ruined.

1206
01:11:55.640 --> 01:11:58.360
He was safe and we were still going to have time together.

1207
01:11:58.600 --> 01:12:02.280
It just wasn't exactly how I thought it was going to go that night.

1208
01:12:02.320 --> 01:12:06.360
And so I was disappointed. Do you see?

1209
01:12:07.000 --> 01:12:12.000
But see, if I had allowed that disappointment to then cause a reaction

1210
01:12:12.040 --> 01:12:15.040
versus not, I would have been so disappointed.

1211
01:12:15.040 --> 01:12:18.360
Cause a reaction versus a, where did that come from?

1212
01:12:18.360 --> 01:12:22.560
That wasn't very good in me and just deal with it.

1213
01:12:23.200 --> 01:12:26.880
When he got there, he was exhausted. So you all,

1214
01:12:26.880 --> 01:12:28.360
we didn't have a date that night.

1215
01:12:29.360 --> 01:12:32.720
He ended up going to the hotel and checking in and getting sleep,

1216
01:12:32.720 --> 01:12:36.920
which he needed. Was I disappointed? Sure.

1217
01:12:37.960 --> 01:12:42.560
But man, I was really glad he was safe. And that's what I focused on.

1218
01:12:42.640 --> 01:12:44.560
And then the next day we had a great date.

1219
01:12:46.040 --> 01:12:49.480
Some of you all that, that kind of stuff is going to put you out.

1220
01:12:51.280 --> 01:12:54.200
And if that's the case you want to look at, like I said that night for me,

1221
01:12:54.200 --> 01:12:56.920
it was kind of a blip and I had to like, where'd that come from?

1222
01:12:57.720 --> 01:12:59.880
And I needed to deal with that inside of myself.

1223
01:13:00.960 --> 01:13:04.520
One of the other times he was going to come visit me, he got COVID.

1224
01:13:05.800 --> 01:13:07.960
Super disappointed. He couldn't come at all.

1225
01:13:09.200 --> 01:13:13.360
And I could have just been stuck in that pity party kind of stuff.

1226
01:13:13.720 --> 01:13:14.960
But you know what we ended up doing?

1227
01:13:15.640 --> 01:13:20.800
We logged in and we timed watching the same show at the same time.

1228
01:13:21.200 --> 01:13:24.880
And then we like talked about it after, and we just did a video date like that.

1229
01:13:25.200 --> 01:13:27.880
I'm just saying this because some of y'all need to hear this.

1230
01:13:28.240 --> 01:13:32.720
These are the small things that get in the way of us still enjoying something,

1231
01:13:32.720 --> 01:13:35.000
even when it doesn't go the way we want it to.

1232
01:13:36.560 --> 01:13:41.520
But genuinely some of you would go off on that

1233
01:13:42.520 --> 01:13:46.000
person, even though there's nothing they can do about being sick.

1234
01:13:47.520 --> 01:13:52.400
This is legit. And I know what happens. That's why I'm saying it. Okay.

1235
01:13:54.120 --> 01:13:56.040
Are we willing to surrender at all?

1236
01:13:57.360 --> 01:14:00.560
Even in the moments we get disappointed because something doesn't go the way we

1237
01:14:00.560 --> 01:14:01.400
want it to.

1238
01:14:02.600 --> 01:14:04.640
I had a whole butterfly release this big,

1239
01:14:04.640 --> 01:14:06.800
beautiful thing in my head for my wedding.

1240
01:14:06.800 --> 01:14:10.040
It was just going to be this amazing experience.

1241
01:14:11.640 --> 01:14:14.000
Yeah, it did not go that way.

1242
01:14:14.240 --> 01:14:18.440
People went to open the butterflies and they were all dead.

1243
01:14:18.440 --> 01:14:22.280
You all, I paid a lot of money for those butterflies.

1244
01:14:23.920 --> 01:14:27.240
Not one was alive, but you all want to know something.

1245
01:14:27.240 --> 01:14:31.400
We were in this garden and there was a butterfly garden over right by there.

1246
01:14:32.160 --> 01:14:36.600
And you know, after the way in that moment, y'all imagine I'm the bride up in the

1247
01:14:36.600 --> 01:14:41.240
altar and it's supposed to be this big, beautiful memory moment, excuse me.

1248
01:14:41.240 --> 01:14:43.120
And part of it, here's the other kicker.

1249
01:14:43.600 --> 01:14:47.360
The reason I did that is butterflies meant a lot to me and my mom.

1250
01:14:48.920 --> 01:14:53.240
And Brian's dad passed away a few years before we got married and it was in

1251
01:14:53.240 --> 01:14:55.200
honor of our parents.

1252
01:14:58.200 --> 01:14:59.800
Man, that just hit me a little bit there.

1253
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.000
In that moment, I felt this automatic disappointment.

1254
01:15:05.000 --> 01:15:14.000
Because that was like my moment to like honor them and it was supposed to be this big beautiful thing and they were all dead.

1255
01:15:14.000 --> 01:15:24.000
But you know what? All I could think in that moment was like, well, that didn't go as planned and that was literally what came out of my mouth at the altar.

1256
01:15:25.000 --> 01:15:35.000
And I just kind of had to laugh it off and we continued with the rest of the ceremony and it was beautiful and it was wonderful and the rest of the night was.

1257
01:15:35.000 --> 01:15:41.000
Do you know that during the reception, people started sending me photos.

1258
01:15:41.000 --> 01:15:46.000
The whole ceremony, there was a butterfly on my veil.

1259
01:15:48.000 --> 01:15:50.000
The whole ceremony.

1260
01:15:51.000 --> 01:15:58.000
So I don't know who this story is for, but even in weddings, you know, sometimes we just gotta let it go.

1261
01:15:58.000 --> 01:16:02.000
You know, just let it go. Listen to that song.

1262
01:16:02.000 --> 01:16:10.000
For those of you, you might need to listen to that song this week from Frozen and just breathe and let some stuff go.

1263
01:16:10.000 --> 01:16:17.000
None of that was in my notes, so praise the Lord. The Lord knows what we need when we need it, right?

1264
01:16:17.000 --> 01:16:22.000
Surrender, posture changes everything.

1265
01:16:24.000 --> 01:16:32.000
When we yield, Jackie defines it in the book and in the Course as falling back into the arms of.

1266
01:16:34.000 --> 01:16:42.000
In that moment in my wedding, I just had to do a quick fall back into the arms of the Lord because he knew how much that meant to me.

1267
01:16:43.000 --> 01:16:51.000
But even in that, like, he had this butterfly on me. I really believe it was the Lord that whole time.

1268
01:16:52.000 --> 01:17:01.000
And it wasn't that I had to have that to feel like, you know, my family was, our family was with us, but God just gave that to me.

1269
01:17:01.000 --> 01:17:03.000
Just because he can and he does.

1270
01:17:04.000 --> 01:17:14.000
So tonight's invitation is not for you to try harder to stop being controlling, to try harder to stop walking in perfectionism.

1271
01:17:14.000 --> 01:17:16.000
It's to fall back.

1272
01:17:17.000 --> 01:17:23.000
And if you don't believe that God will catch you, well, that's a revealing for healing in and of itself.

1273
01:17:25.000 --> 01:17:29.000
Because he is capable. His arms are big.

1274
01:17:30.000 --> 01:17:41.000
When we trust that God will catch us in the exact place that we need him to touch the control, to touch the perfectionism, to touch the areas that led us to become that way.

1275
01:17:42.000 --> 01:17:49.000
Remember when we were young or whenever the trauma happened and we started partnering with these things, those are the places that need healed.

1276
01:17:50.000 --> 01:17:57.000
And I'm big on us really going back to that younger version of ourselves and just saying, hey, I love you.

1277
01:17:57.000 --> 01:18:01.000
Like you did the best you could with the information you had.

1278
01:18:02.000 --> 01:18:04.000
And I'm even speaking to myself right now.

1279
01:18:05.000 --> 01:18:07.000
Like we need to do more of that.

1280
01:18:08.000 --> 01:18:12.000
I've made mistakes on my journey 100%. I still do.

1281
01:18:13.000 --> 01:18:21.000
But God loves me and I have amazing husband who loves me, even when I make mistakes as well as other people that love me too.

1282
01:18:22.000 --> 01:18:26.000
But so often we believe that we have nobody, that we're not moving forward.

1283
01:18:27.000 --> 01:18:32.000
Do you see how this, the enemy just wants, like what Jackie said on Supernatural Saturday, I hope you guys caught it.

1284
01:18:33.000 --> 01:18:35.000
If you didn't listen to it yet, please listen to it.

1285
01:18:36.000 --> 01:18:41.000
One of the things she said is that God is the creator. He created everything.

1286
01:18:42.000 --> 01:18:44.000
And then he created us to create things.

1287
01:18:45.000 --> 01:18:51.000
Well, the devil can't create. He's just about death and stealing and destroying and crushing things.

1288
01:18:52.000 --> 01:19:02.000
But Jesus came to give us life and give it to us more abundantly, enable us and to enable us to be able to use the power within us that is from him to create.

1289
01:19:03.000 --> 01:19:08.000
So everything that we say creates something.

1290
01:19:09.000 --> 01:19:10.000
And that's what Jackie was talking about.

1291
01:19:10.000 --> 01:19:18.000
And so again, it's not that we can't feel negative things, but what are our mouths and our spirits? What are we partnering with?

1292
01:19:19.000 --> 01:19:26.000
You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to control to get an outcome.

1293
01:19:27.000 --> 01:19:29.000
God is on your side. He's fighting for you.

1294
01:19:30.000 --> 01:19:38.000
So here, just to remind you all of the heartwork prayer, teach me, show me, heal me, grow me.

1295
01:19:38.000 --> 01:19:46.000
It's so true. I believe that. I mean, I just feel that like we need his help.

1296
01:19:47.000 --> 01:19:50.000
Before I got on here tonight, I'm like, God, I need you.

1297
01:19:51.000 --> 01:19:59.000
When I'm tired, I need him. When I'm like, okay, I put the content together, but what I need you to show up.

1298
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:01.000
I'm just a vessel.

1299
01:20:02.320 --> 01:20:07.920
I need his presence to touch you all and help you know what you need and hear what he wants you to hear.

1300
01:20:10.800 --> 01:20:18.440
So where do you need him tonight to to teach you to show up to heal you to grow you?

1301
01:20:19.440 --> 01:20:24.040
You know, you can pray something like, Lord, show me what I'm afraid will happen if I let go.

1302
01:20:25.040 --> 01:20:33.040
Show me the lie. I've been believing that made me feel that it was necessary for me to walk in perfectionism.

1303
01:20:34.040 --> 01:20:37.040
Heal the wounds underneath of the surface here.

1304
01:20:38.040 --> 01:20:45.040
So my last activation and then maybe I'll open heart heartwork seat for like 10 or 15 minutes y'all.

1305
01:20:45.040 --> 01:20:49.040
This was good. I was menacing to me. So we'll just soak this up as much as possible.

1306
01:20:49.040 --> 01:20:53.040
But here's your last question for the chat.

1307
01:20:54.040 --> 01:21:01.040
What's one thing you've been trying to control or perform your way through like perfectionism?

1308
01:21:01.040 --> 01:21:06.040
That's what I'm talking to that you're choosing to surrender to God tonight.

1309
01:21:07.040 --> 01:21:10.040
What's one thing you're going to choose to let go of tonight?

1310
01:21:11.040 --> 01:21:15.040
Some people start to put some stuff in there. Sometimes I feel like letting go is giving up.

1311
01:21:15.040 --> 01:21:18.040
That's really good connection there, Leslie.

1312
01:21:18.040 --> 01:21:28.040
But let's look at that. With the Lord, when's the first time you believe the lie that letting go and surrendering is giving up?

1313
01:21:28.040 --> 01:21:37.040
Because there is a difference. Giving up means we literally just walk away and we're not engaged anymore.

1314
01:21:37.040 --> 01:21:42.040
To let go and surrender is still partnership. It's still connection.

1315
01:21:44.040 --> 01:21:47.040
I want you all to think about that. That was really good.

1316
01:21:49.040 --> 01:21:56.040
Surrender and letting go is still partnership. It's still connection because you're connected to God.

1317
01:21:56.040 --> 01:21:59.040
That's who you're letting go to.

1318
01:22:01.040 --> 01:22:05.040
And if he's God catching you, then how is it giving up?

1319
01:22:07.040 --> 01:22:12.040
Remember like you're connected. You're one with him as he is one with the Father.

1320
01:22:12.040 --> 01:22:21.040
If we believe that, so maybe tonight also, I hear the Holy Spirit talking so I'm going to linger here for a minute.

1321
01:22:22.040 --> 01:22:31.040
Thank you, Lord. Maybe tonight as we close, it's like assessing how connected are you right now to the Lord?

1322
01:22:31.040 --> 01:22:41.040
Not religious duty, not just reading your Bible, but like how's your connection doing with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit?

1323
01:22:42.040 --> 01:22:53.040
All right, Lord. We're going to go after this a little bit because I think this is kind of a key here for some of you.

1324
01:22:53.040 --> 01:22:59.040
All right. Thank you, Father.

1325
01:22:59.040 --> 01:23:07.040
I want you to imagine just like even, you know, you might want to do this to kind of connect with what I'm saying when you jump off of here.

1326
01:23:08.040 --> 01:23:14.040
But like imagine yourself just taking a plug and plugging it in the wall.

1327
01:23:15.040 --> 01:23:19.040
That is the reconnect between you and God as well.

1328
01:23:19.040 --> 01:23:25.040
Remember, he's the vine, we're the branches, and we can't do anything apart from him.

1329
01:23:25.040 --> 01:23:29.040
We can't date in a healthy way without him.

1330
01:23:29.040 --> 01:23:33.040
We can't walk in the fruits of the Spirit without him.

1331
01:23:34.040 --> 01:23:40.040
We can't have joy unspeakable and full of glory without him.

1332
01:23:41.040 --> 01:23:46.040
Yes, Lord, we can't surrender control and perfectionism without him.

1333
01:23:46.040 --> 01:23:50.040
I feel the Holy Spirit. God is so good to us.

1334
01:23:50.040 --> 01:23:52.040
Thank you, Father.

1335
01:23:54.040 --> 01:24:00.040
Is giving up online dating surrendering? If that's what you feel led to do right now?

1336
01:24:00.040 --> 01:24:02.040
Sure.

1337
01:24:03.040 --> 01:24:07.040
Sometimes we need to take a break and recalibrate.

1338
01:24:15.040 --> 01:24:20.040
So I talked to the HeartWork group this last week about soaking.

1339
01:24:20.040 --> 01:24:23.040
I don't know if you all have ever heard of soaking.

1340
01:24:23.040 --> 01:24:29.040
But I learned it when I went to Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship actually years ago.

1341
01:24:29.040 --> 01:24:32.040
It was when they had a revival going on there.

1342
01:24:32.040 --> 01:24:35.040
I had never been exposed to anything like it.

1343
01:24:35.040 --> 01:24:40.040
So I didn't come equipped like some other people did.

1344
01:24:40.040 --> 01:24:43.040
But that's cool, Crystal.

1345
01:24:45.040 --> 01:24:50.040
But legit, part of this conference, it was a conference that I went to.

1346
01:24:50.040 --> 01:24:55.040
But it was all about really learning how to connect with the Spirit in all different ways.

1347
01:24:55.040 --> 01:25:00.040
And people brought pillows and blankets and the whole thing, the whole shebang.

1348
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:20.000
I didn't know that that was the thing, so I didn't have all that, but the point is that what we learned during this session was that just to lay down, and not just lay down and rest, but to really try to rid our minds, that's what they taught us, of thought.

1349
01:25:20.000 --> 01:25:27.000
To really try to practice the art of like, silence in our mind.

1350
01:25:28.000 --> 01:25:35.000
Because see, the thing is, is so many of us, our minds are just constantly going, constantly going.

1351
01:25:37.000 --> 01:25:47.000
And the key wasn't just to silence our mind of our own thoughts, but then it was to invite the Lord to speak to us what He wanted to say.

1352
01:25:47.000 --> 01:25:54.000
And I know that some of you, you know, we get this kickback a lot, I don't hear from God. I don't hear from God.

1353
01:25:54.000 --> 01:26:03.000
And I just want to encourage you, I try to say this all the time, you might not know how to do this yet, but that doesn't mean you can't learn over time.

1354
01:26:03.000 --> 01:26:12.000
The things that I talk to you all about regarding prayer, the prophetic that I operate, I mean, I've been saved since 1998, it's been a long time.

1355
01:26:12.000 --> 01:26:18.000
You guys see me now, you don't see all the things I went through to get here, to learn these things.

1356
01:26:18.000 --> 01:26:27.000
See, we see people's highlight reels, we see people now and we just think, like it should just happen for us in a day, or a year.

1357
01:26:28.000 --> 01:26:33.000
And this is why it's important that we don't compare ourselves to other people.

1358
01:26:33.000 --> 01:26:39.000
Again, I don't know who this stuff is for, but God just wants you to like really have grace for yourself.

1359
01:26:44.000 --> 01:26:50.000
Whom the Son has set free is free indeed. You're free to walk into a healthy relationship.

1360
01:26:51.000 --> 01:27:02.000
You are. You might not believe it yet, but God's healing you, He's restoring you, He's redeeming you, and He's rebuilding the foundation of your life so that you can step into healthy relationship.

1361
01:27:02.000 --> 01:27:09.000
Practicing letting go of control and perfectionism is just another tool in your tool belt to help you get there.

1362
01:27:09.000 --> 01:27:13.000
He's for you. Remember?

1363
01:27:14.000 --> 01:27:20.000
So whatever you need to do in the days ahead to partner with us, I want to encourage you to do that.

1364
01:27:20.000 --> 01:27:24.000
I'm not going to open it up for a long time, but I am going to pause there.

1365
01:27:24.000 --> 01:27:28.000
Is there anyone that does want to get in the heartwork seat tonight?

1366
01:27:28.000 --> 01:27:38.000
You need to really work through something because you just do not know how to navigate control or perfectionism and how it might be showing up in your life.

1367
01:27:38.000 --> 01:27:41.000
Okay, awesome. Elizabeth, go ahead.

1368
01:27:41.000 --> 01:27:47.000
Yeah, God's really been highlighting this in my life in like so many ways.

1369
01:27:47.000 --> 01:27:57.000
And it's really been a big piece of friction in my dating life and just across the board.

1370
01:27:57.000 --> 01:28:09.000
And even today, I had a ballroom lesson and my partner is really honing in on it of learning to trust his leadership.

1371
01:28:10.000 --> 01:28:18.000
And he he shared, like, actually, by the time you get to really advanced dancing, it's such a mutual exchange.

1372
01:28:18.000 --> 01:28:23.000
And that's what allows for this intricate. Movement.

1373
01:28:23.000 --> 01:28:38.000
And so it's such a beautiful picture of like what I want, but I sometimes get so locked in this sort of perfectionism because I so want to look excellent that sometimes that comes up and then it plays out.

1374
01:28:38.000 --> 01:28:44.000
And so the perfectionism and for me and the control interact with each other.

1375
01:28:44.000 --> 01:28:52.000
It really stems to my dad and really that it's more so with men.

1376
01:28:52.000 --> 01:29:07.000
And where I can do it myself, I don't need to or I overfunction and do a lot of the emotional lifting because my dad expects me to emotionally lift him and fit his narrative.

1377
01:29:07.000 --> 01:29:11.000
And if I don't agree to his narrative, if I don't do the work.

1378
01:29:11.000 --> 01:29:14.000
Then he doesn't have a relationship with me.

1379
01:29:14.000 --> 01:29:20.000
OK, tell me what you mean by that. Doing the emotional lifting for dad. How does that show up in your life now?

1380
01:29:21.000 --> 01:29:27.000
I think. Trying to like.

1381
01:29:27.000 --> 01:29:42.000
Well, worried about like not being enough, needing to prove myself, prove my desirability and this fear of being judged that actually leads to a lot of walls and rigidness comes up as a lot of rigidity.

1382
01:29:42.000 --> 01:29:45.000
Get told a lot to relax.

1383
01:29:45.000 --> 01:29:53.000
So it's hard just to be myself and kind of the chasing and the over explaining, like if you just understood, then it would.

1384
01:29:53.000 --> 01:29:58.000
So that's how it's particularly shown up in the dating of like over explaining.

1385
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:06.620
Yeah, and wanting to have things all figured out because of my anxiety.

1386
01:30:06.620 --> 01:30:11.700
So give me an example of how overexplaining showed up in a dating scenario.

1387
01:30:11.700 --> 01:30:18.020
Just like kind of like hone in on one example that you can think of.

1388
01:30:18.020 --> 01:30:25.180
It's gotten a lot better, but in the past it would look like having to explain why I

1389
01:30:25.180 --> 01:30:31.580
show up in certain ways instead of just accepting like where I'm at and who I am of like, oh,

1390
01:30:31.580 --> 01:30:34.080
I have walls and it's because of this.

1391
01:30:34.080 --> 01:30:39.380
Almost like putting on like if you could just love me, then it would be okay.

1392
01:30:39.380 --> 01:30:40.820
Okay.

1393
01:30:40.820 --> 01:30:47.180
And so you mentioned regarding dad told you to relax a lot.

1394
01:30:47.180 --> 01:30:48.980
You felt like you couldn't really be yourself.

1395
01:30:48.980 --> 01:30:53.500
So other men, like I constantly, like when I've gone on dates, they feel the tension

1396
01:30:53.500 --> 01:30:54.580
in the guardedness.

1397
01:30:54.580 --> 01:31:00.740
And so like, there's just such a, and I've had multiple guys and relationships because

1398
01:31:00.740 --> 01:31:06.740
they're like, I, I don't know what it is, but like, I just like, I can't connect with

1399
01:31:06.740 --> 01:31:07.740
you.

1400
01:31:07.740 --> 01:31:08.740
I just don't feel anything.

1401
01:31:08.740 --> 01:31:09.740
You're not my person.

1402
01:31:09.740 --> 01:31:11.640
Like, I don't know what it is.

1403
01:31:11.640 --> 01:31:16.740
So it's been this like ambiguous, like you're great, but, and my dad used to say, you're

1404
01:31:16.740 --> 01:31:17.740
great.

1405
01:31:17.740 --> 01:31:18.740
But.

1406
01:31:18.740 --> 01:31:19.740
Okay.

1407
01:31:19.740 --> 01:31:24.060
So like, tell me, tell me one time that you can think of, there's probably many, but what

1408
01:31:24.060 --> 01:31:29.340
comes to mind when your dad said that to you, like the root, the first time you can remember.

1409
01:31:29.340 --> 01:31:35.700
I was in high school and we were in the kitchen and I'd gotten in a conflict with him and

1410
01:31:35.700 --> 01:31:42.580
my mom and he said, you're great, but like, this is this area.

1411
01:31:42.580 --> 01:31:43.780
Okay.

1412
01:31:43.780 --> 01:31:44.780
What was it?

1413
01:31:44.780 --> 01:31:45.780
Do you remember?

1414
01:31:45.780 --> 01:31:52.660
Um, I just like my, like, basically like, wasn't being heard a lot of invalidation and

1415
01:31:52.660 --> 01:31:59.260
I was reactive and it was the reactiveness that he was criticizing.

1416
01:31:59.260 --> 01:32:06.000
So kind of like who I was, was being seen as not being enough or he couldn't handle

1417
01:32:06.000 --> 01:32:07.660
your emotions is what I hear you saying.

1418
01:32:07.660 --> 01:32:08.660
Oh yeah.

1419
01:32:08.660 --> 01:32:13.460
He even told me like, you're a girl, so your emotions don't matter.

1420
01:32:13.460 --> 01:32:14.820
Okay.

1421
01:32:14.860 --> 01:32:18.860
Do you happen to know what the dynamic was between him and his parents?

1422
01:32:18.860 --> 01:32:21.260
Oh, he hated his mom.

1423
01:32:21.260 --> 01:32:22.380
Okay.

1424
01:32:22.380 --> 01:32:26.780
So did his mom have really big emotions?

1425
01:32:26.780 --> 01:32:30.220
She's probably a borderline, very dramatic.

1426
01:32:30.220 --> 01:32:36.500
Everyone in my family would say grandma was a drama queen and people talk bad about my

1427
01:32:36.500 --> 01:32:39.300
grandma, like the rest of the family.

1428
01:32:39.300 --> 01:32:40.300
Yeah.

1429
01:32:40.300 --> 01:32:44.340
So it doesn't make it okay, obviously, but I just, I'm trying to like make some connections

1430
01:32:44.340 --> 01:32:52.580
to that because kind of the thing that I'm seeing and hearing you say is in a sense,

1431
01:32:52.580 --> 01:32:57.300
you're shut down emotionally when you're interacting with these people, like you have a lot of

1432
01:32:57.300 --> 01:33:01.140
walls up and they're picking up on that because they feel like they can't actually connect

1433
01:33:01.140 --> 01:33:02.880
with you.

1434
01:33:02.880 --> 01:33:09.300
And it stems back to basically not feeling like you could have emotions around your dad

1435
01:33:09.300 --> 01:33:11.300
and be yourself.

1436
01:33:11.300 --> 01:33:20.580
And so what I want to like get you to really work on this week is make a list of like,

1437
01:33:20.580 --> 01:33:26.980
if you can imagine Elizabeth completely free, unhindered, and this might be a challenge

1438
01:33:26.980 --> 01:33:27.980
for you.

1439
01:33:27.980 --> 01:33:28.980
Okay.

1440
01:33:28.980 --> 01:33:30.460
I don't want you to really pick apart like, Oh, I can't do this.

1441
01:33:30.460 --> 01:33:31.460
I can't do it.

1442
01:33:31.460 --> 01:33:32.460
Unhindered.

1443
01:33:32.460 --> 01:33:33.460
Okay.

1444
01:33:33.460 --> 01:33:38.500
Free Elizabeth, where you can feel what you need to feel.

1445
01:33:38.500 --> 01:33:41.300
You can be who you need to be or want to be.

1446
01:33:41.300 --> 01:33:45.460
I want you to like write down a list, like kind of describe what that would look like.

1447
01:33:45.460 --> 01:33:47.220
What would that feel like?

1448
01:33:47.220 --> 01:33:51.340
Like what are some ways that you would show up in life that you don't right now?

1449
01:33:51.340 --> 01:33:58.020
Like where you might show up differently and just kind of even working through that process.

1450
01:33:58.020 --> 01:34:02.460
I'd love for you to come into one of the groups and post kind of what, you know, what the

1451
01:34:02.460 --> 01:34:05.460
Lord is leading you through, even if it's really hard.

1452
01:34:05.460 --> 01:34:06.460
Okay.

1453
01:34:06.820 --> 01:34:13.820
That's where we're going to really try to hone in on, okay, because for me, I want you

1454
01:34:13.820 --> 01:34:16.580
to try to connect with your emotions.

1455
01:34:16.580 --> 01:34:23.500
And I'm not saying you're not at all, but I'm saying it, the way that we shift out of

1456
01:34:23.500 --> 01:34:27.840
not allowing our emotions to be seen in front of other people is to actually allow them

1457
01:34:27.840 --> 01:34:31.740
to be revealed in like within our, like by ourselves.

1458
01:34:31.740 --> 01:34:32.740
Okay.

1459
01:34:32.740 --> 01:34:38.940
So for example, I was never really felt okay to cry around people when I was younger, shamed

1460
01:34:38.940 --> 01:34:39.940
a lot for it.

1461
01:34:39.940 --> 01:34:45.020
A lot of like things were said, I would always go into the garage outside my house, into

1462
01:34:45.020 --> 01:34:50.380
the garage, behind the garage at the back of my yard so that I could cry and actually

1463
01:34:50.380 --> 01:34:54.100
be allowed to express myself sincerely.

1464
01:34:54.100 --> 01:34:56.620
Like I did not feel like I could do that in my house.

1465
01:34:56.620 --> 01:34:59.820
And so when I would get around other people.

1466
01:35:00.840 --> 01:35:05.100
If I felt myself getting emotional,

1467
01:35:05.100 --> 01:35:07.240
I would try to like hide that.

1468
01:35:07.240 --> 01:35:09.400
But I'm a really emotional person.

1469
01:35:09.400 --> 01:35:11.880
That's a really hard thing for me to do.

1470
01:35:11.880 --> 01:35:16.680
Now, I've also had to learn how to balance it, okay?

1471
01:35:16.680 --> 01:35:21.040
Because I am a feeler, like I can feel other people's stuff,

1472
01:35:21.040 --> 01:35:22.580
I can feel my own stuff.

1473
01:35:22.580 --> 01:35:27.580
So as an empath, I've had to learn how to balance that

1474
01:35:27.620 --> 01:35:30.740
and not every time I feel something intensely,

1475
01:35:30.740 --> 01:35:34.820
allow that to like always kind of go out on other people.

1476
01:35:34.820 --> 01:35:36.000
Does that make sense?

1477
01:35:36.000 --> 01:35:38.260
Yeah, and I've done a lot of work on that

1478
01:35:38.260 --> 01:35:42.280
and I'm not reactive in the ways that I've used to be.

1479
01:35:42.280 --> 01:35:47.280
I think where I sometimes the connecting with the,

1480
01:35:49.700 --> 01:35:51.840
right, allowing myself to feel the hard emotions,

1481
01:35:51.840 --> 01:35:56.200
but also allowing myself to enjoy the positive

1482
01:35:56.200 --> 01:35:58.180
and be reciprocal with that,

1483
01:35:58.180 --> 01:36:01.600
those are kind of like the pendulum, those are harder.

1484
01:36:01.600 --> 01:36:06.600
And I've been working to try to create space for that,

1485
01:36:06.620 --> 01:36:07.460
but I still have,

1486
01:36:07.460 --> 01:36:10.940
I think there's a lot more that I can grow in that.

1487
01:36:10.940 --> 01:36:13.700
So do you feel like you work really hard at everything?

1488
01:36:15.580 --> 01:36:16.860
Probably.

1489
01:36:16.860 --> 01:36:18.660
Yeah, I hear a lot of that

1490
01:36:18.660 --> 01:36:21.260
and even what you're saying and describing.

1491
01:36:21.260 --> 01:36:25.340
And so even this kind of exercise that I want you to do,

1492
01:36:25.360 --> 01:36:27.800
I don't want you to work hard at it, okay?

1493
01:36:29.000 --> 01:36:30.920
I want you to shift a little bit more

1494
01:36:30.920 --> 01:36:33.960
into your dreaming place, okay?

1495
01:36:33.960 --> 01:36:37.340
Like if I could be completely free,

1496
01:36:37.340 --> 01:36:38.880
if I didn't have to worry about,

1497
01:36:38.880 --> 01:36:41.080
like I want it to be more of a free flowing

1498
01:36:41.080 --> 01:36:42.960
and even if the answers don't come right away

1499
01:36:42.960 --> 01:36:46.000
and you only get two, great.

1500
01:36:46.000 --> 01:36:47.540
I can envision it,

1501
01:36:47.540 --> 01:36:50.600
but I'm noticing that there's grief coming up

1502
01:36:50.600 --> 01:36:52.880
as I visualize that picture.

1503
01:36:52.880 --> 01:36:55.500
Okay, that's a clue to you.

1504
01:36:55.500 --> 01:36:56.340
Yeah.

1505
01:36:56.340 --> 01:36:57.180
So this is why sometimes,

1506
01:36:57.180 --> 01:36:58.940
you know, I always try to remind everybody that's on,

1507
01:36:58.940 --> 01:37:01.140
sometimes we've got to kind of like bounce around

1508
01:37:01.140 --> 01:37:04.940
a little bit because when we go through things

1509
01:37:04.940 --> 01:37:08.500
and we shut our emotions down, okay?

1510
01:37:08.500 --> 01:37:11.280
Even though you're tapped into your emotions some,

1511
01:37:12.680 --> 01:37:14.040
I say this out of a lot of love,

1512
01:37:14.040 --> 01:37:16.860
I know you've worked really hard to express yourself

1513
01:37:16.860 --> 01:37:21.500
and have emotion now, but there's a lot more for you.

1514
01:37:21.500 --> 01:37:22.340
Oh yeah.

1515
01:37:22.840 --> 01:37:23.780
And I sense that from what you're talking

1516
01:37:23.780 --> 01:37:26.720
and how you're expressing things, you know,

1517
01:37:26.720 --> 01:37:29.320
that you would be able to be in a relationship

1518
01:37:29.320 --> 01:37:33.080
and it wouldn't, the person would no longer say,

1519
01:37:33.080 --> 01:37:34.180
how did you say that?

1520
01:37:36.160 --> 01:37:39.040
You're great, but they're going to be like,

1521
01:37:39.040 --> 01:37:43.960
you're great and, okay?

1522
01:37:43.960 --> 01:37:45.080
And so even in that,

1523
01:37:45.080 --> 01:37:47.000
I want to encourage you to come out of agreement,

1524
01:37:47.000 --> 01:37:49.180
even though it's not something you said,

1525
01:37:49.180 --> 01:37:51.840
other people said it to you more than once,

1526
01:37:52.260 --> 01:37:55.180
which just like in the kingdom of God's truth,

1527
01:37:55.180 --> 01:37:57.540
things that are confirmed multiple times, guess what?

1528
01:37:57.540 --> 01:37:59.500
We start to believe them, don't we?

1529
01:37:59.500 --> 01:38:00.340
Yeah.

1530
01:38:00.340 --> 01:38:02.180
The same thing can happen with the negative.

1531
01:38:02.180 --> 01:38:07.180
And so now you have to come out of agreement with that lie.

1532
01:38:07.180 --> 01:38:09.140
I'm great, but everybody says I'm great,

1533
01:38:09.140 --> 01:38:10.460
but I'm not good enough.

1534
01:38:10.460 --> 01:38:11.300
I'm not good enough.

1535
01:38:11.300 --> 01:38:13.260
That's what that's feeding into.

1536
01:38:13.260 --> 01:38:17.100
So it's like, you've got to say, I, Elizabeth am great.

1537
01:38:17.100 --> 01:38:20.140
And my spirit mate is going to find me

1538
01:38:20.140 --> 01:38:22.840
and choose me and love me.

1539
01:38:22.840 --> 01:38:25.100
And I know sometimes that can be really hard

1540
01:38:25.100 --> 01:38:26.680
because sometimes we're going to say this stuff

1541
01:38:26.680 --> 01:38:28.640
and not really fully believe it yet.

1542
01:38:28.640 --> 01:38:31.900
But that's the part of the healing on the inside

1543
01:38:31.900 --> 01:38:34.400
that's going to help us shift towards the,

1544
01:38:34.400 --> 01:38:35.240
as we let go of-

1545
01:38:35.240 --> 01:38:36.760
Experiential part of it.

1546
01:38:36.760 --> 01:38:37.600
Yes.

1547
01:38:37.600 --> 01:38:41.760
But for you, especially when you say,

1548
01:38:41.760 --> 01:38:44.520
as soon as I start thinking about this thing

1549
01:38:44.520 --> 01:38:48.080
or the two things, I'm starting to feel emotion rise up.

1550
01:38:48.100 --> 01:38:51.220
I want you to ask the Lord, get inquisitive again.

1551
01:38:51.220 --> 01:38:53.740
You know, Lord, what is that emotion that I was feeling?

1552
01:38:53.740 --> 01:38:55.340
Where's that coming from?

1553
01:38:55.340 --> 01:38:57.980
And just see what comes up for you and just write down.

1554
01:38:57.980 --> 01:39:00.020
And again, remember this is discovery.

1555
01:39:00.020 --> 01:39:01.860
So even if you don't get all the information

1556
01:39:01.860 --> 01:39:04.700
in one sitting, this is about you kind of going,

1557
01:39:04.700 --> 01:39:07.700
pulling that thread, so to speak, that I like to say,

1558
01:39:07.700 --> 01:39:09.580
you're going to start asking good questions

1559
01:39:09.580 --> 01:39:12.540
and the Lord will lead you into more truth.

1560
01:39:12.540 --> 01:39:15.500
And I feel like it is, this is all part of your journey.

1561
01:39:15.500 --> 01:39:16.580
You are getting more free

1562
01:39:16.580 --> 01:39:20.240
and God is working on your behalf and you've got this,

1563
01:39:20.240 --> 01:39:22.160
but God's got you.

1564
01:39:22.160 --> 01:39:24.820
So this isn't about you working hard at this.

1565
01:39:25.640 --> 01:39:28.680
You know, I think for you just cutting loose,

1566
01:39:28.680 --> 01:39:30.360
I think of two, I don't know why,

1567
01:39:30.360 --> 01:39:31.200
but I'm just going to say this.

1568
01:39:31.200 --> 01:39:35.120
I think of two, 13 going on 30.

1569
01:39:35.120 --> 01:39:36.320
I don't know if you've ever seen that movie,

1570
01:39:36.320 --> 01:39:40.200
but there's this scene where she's 30 now in this part

1571
01:39:40.200 --> 01:39:41.640
and she's with all the young girls

1572
01:39:41.640 --> 01:39:42.880
and they're jumping on the bed

1573
01:39:42.880 --> 01:39:46.040
and maybe they're singing Pat Benatar, I think.

1574
01:39:47.120 --> 01:39:51.440
That scene comes to mind for, like to me, for you.

1575
01:39:51.440 --> 01:39:54.880
And so I think there's this aspect of you reconnecting

1576
01:39:54.880 --> 01:39:59.880
with that kind of fun, like really loose kind of silliness.

1577
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:11.000
Because if you go out, if you look up the scene, they're all dressed up in like, you know, stuff on in that scene and they're young girls, but they've got bras on the outside of their clothes.

1578
01:40:11.000 --> 01:40:16.000
And, you know, it's just kind of a fun scene, but that's what I feel like God has for you.

1579
01:40:16.000 --> 01:40:19.000
But even in that, you don't have to strive to get there.

1580
01:40:19.000 --> 01:40:24.000
I want you to know, like, one of the times someone spoke over me and they were like, you have to stop striving.

1581
01:40:24.000 --> 01:40:32.000
And I remember being so broken because like, I just remember thinking I didn't even know I was.

1582
01:40:32.000 --> 01:40:39.000
But God led me to be able to walk in genuine joy and celebration in my spirit.

1583
01:40:39.000 --> 01:40:45.000
And it wasn't something I had to strive for anymore because he just taught me how to partner with it on the inside.

1584
01:40:45.000 --> 01:40:49.000
But there was definitely healing I went through to get to that place.

1585
01:40:49.000 --> 01:40:53.000
So you're getting there. It's good. It's all going to work together for your good.

1586
01:40:53.000 --> 01:40:58.000
Really, really good. I have one thing I want to talk about in the chat real quick.

1587
01:40:58.000 --> 01:41:02.000
I don't know if Leslie is still on here, but Leslie, I see your name still.

1588
01:41:02.000 --> 01:41:09.000
She said, do you think counseling when dating is healthy or the need to consider counseling at the dating level more of a sign?

1589
01:41:09.000 --> 01:41:13.000
It's not a relationship with pursuing. Well, number one, I think it's important.

1590
01:41:13.000 --> 01:41:17.000
Like how long you've been in this relationship. I think that's helpful information.

1591
01:41:17.000 --> 01:41:24.000
If there's always a fight, if there's always hard work, y'all, that's probably not good. Right?

1592
01:41:24.000 --> 01:41:27.000
But I need more information to actually say that.

1593
01:41:27.000 --> 01:41:33.000
So hold that loosely, Leslie, because I don't know enough about this dating relationship to really say that.

1594
01:41:33.000 --> 01:41:39.000
But one of the things I will say is you all, if you're in the relationship that you're thinking,

1595
01:41:39.000 --> 01:41:41.000
hey, I might want to move forward with this person.

1596
01:41:41.000 --> 01:41:44.000
I'm not just promoting Simbas because we make all kinds of money.

1597
01:41:44.000 --> 01:41:47.000
Y'all, we don't make a lot of money off of it.

1598
01:41:47.000 --> 01:41:54.000
But it will help you if you're considering moving forward with someone because it's going to lead you into questions

1599
01:41:54.000 --> 01:41:59.000
and dynamics that you're going to have to talk about because it's homework.

1600
01:41:59.000 --> 01:42:03.000
And then you show up in the group and the group talks about them together and we're coaching you through it.

1601
01:42:03.000 --> 01:42:09.000
It's a very helpful tool to not only get to know yourself better, but to get to know that person better

1602
01:42:09.000 --> 01:42:13.000
and really figure out, is this someone I can marry?

1603
01:42:13.000 --> 01:42:16.000
Because I actually like being with them.

1604
01:42:16.000 --> 01:42:21.000
You know, remember, we're not trying to force something to work.

1605
01:42:21.000 --> 01:42:25.000
Marriage is hard work at times.

1606
01:42:25.000 --> 01:42:28.000
Okay, it's the reality because two people are becoming one.

1607
01:42:28.000 --> 01:42:31.000
But it's not hard all the time.

1608
01:42:31.000 --> 01:42:33.000
There's a lot of fun times.

1609
01:42:34.000 --> 01:42:41.000
So, really pay attention to that and make sure that you take a deeper look at that situation

1610
01:42:41.000 --> 01:42:44.000
and what is causing the need for counseling.

1611
01:42:44.000 --> 01:42:49.000
Now, on the other side of that, I don't think there's anything wrong with counseling.

1612
01:42:49.000 --> 01:42:56.000
Now, if you're talking about you all going to couples counseling, I would want to know more there too.

1613
01:42:56.000 --> 01:43:02.000
But I highly recommend if there's counseling needed, that you go ahead and start getting counseling

1614
01:43:02.000 --> 01:43:06.000
because maybe there's something that God wants to help you heal from more,

1615
01:43:06.000 --> 01:43:10.000
that counseling in addition to the coaching and the program will help you.

1616
01:43:10.000 --> 01:43:15.000
I did counseling and coaching for several years and it was a game changer.

1617
01:43:15.000 --> 01:43:20.000
I'm really grateful I invested in both of those things.

1618
01:43:20.000 --> 01:43:21.000
All right.

1619
01:43:21.000 --> 01:43:26.000
Crystal, I'll take Crystal and then I am going to go ahead and close down after that tonight.

1620
01:43:26.000 --> 01:43:28.000
Hi there.

1621
01:43:28.000 --> 01:43:31.000
Hi. Sorry, I didn't have my video on.

1622
01:43:31.000 --> 01:43:34.000
Man, this fostering, that thing will shake you to the core.

1623
01:43:34.000 --> 01:43:37.000
Jackie's like, oh, you guys have lots of love to give.

1624
01:43:37.000 --> 01:43:39.000
Oh, man, that'll just…

1625
01:43:39.000 --> 01:43:44.000
If you ever want to get shaken up, anybody, just go to fostering.

1626
01:43:44.000 --> 01:43:46.000
Okay, so here we go again.

1627
01:43:46.000 --> 01:43:48.000
So, the control thing.

1628
01:43:48.000 --> 01:43:51.000
So, I've worked on this much and I have much improvement.

1629
01:43:51.000 --> 01:43:58.000
So, I want to start with saying that because seeing the improvement is part of half of the battle, right?

1630
01:43:58.000 --> 01:43:59.000
Right.

1631
01:44:00.000 --> 01:44:03.000
I like to have things my way, like you said.

1632
01:44:03.000 --> 01:44:07.000
So, I had this situation and then you brought up all this other stuff.

1633
01:44:07.000 --> 01:44:14.000
My mom was one of these people that if she didn't like something, she would cut you off and she was cold.

1634
01:44:14.000 --> 01:44:20.000
So, I had the twins here and there was a Saturday visit.

1635
01:44:20.000 --> 01:44:22.000
It was not made known before I took them.

1636
01:44:22.000 --> 01:44:23.000
I don't do Saturdays.

1637
01:44:23.000 --> 01:44:25.000
I don't work on Saturdays.

1638
01:44:25.000 --> 01:44:26.000
Whatever, it's a boundary.

1639
01:44:26.000 --> 01:44:27.000
My workers were like, go with it for now.

1640
01:44:27.000 --> 01:44:30.000
But when it came to the summer, they were like, all the visits will be expanded.

1641
01:44:30.000 --> 01:44:31.000
The father will be taking them.

1642
01:44:31.000 --> 01:44:32.000
Whatever, da-da-da-da-da.

1643
01:44:32.000 --> 01:44:34.000
Long story, we can make it short.

1644
01:44:34.000 --> 01:44:36.000
So, we came down to it.

1645
01:44:36.000 --> 01:44:41.000
I asked to not have Saturday or to switch Saturday or to have…

1646
01:44:41.000 --> 01:44:44.000
I didn't want to work any Saturdays.

1647
01:44:44.000 --> 01:44:45.000
That was it.

1648
01:44:45.000 --> 01:44:46.000
That was like none, okay?

1649
01:44:46.000 --> 01:44:49.000
But I was like, okay, it can't be all my way, right?

1650
01:44:49.000 --> 01:44:51.000
So, I came to a million ways to compromise.

1651
01:44:51.000 --> 01:44:54.000
Could it be two Saturdays, two Sundays?

1652
01:44:54.000 --> 01:44:56.000
Could it be one Saturday, three Sundays?

1653
01:44:56.000 --> 01:45:00.000
Could it be one time in the morning on Saturday, one time in the evening on Saturday?

1654
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:01.960
Saturday, could it change?

1655
01:45:01.960 --> 01:45:06.080
The answer to all of these million questions was no, okay?

1656
01:45:06.080 --> 01:45:08.280
So I tried to compromise,

1657
01:45:08.280 --> 01:45:11.400
and there was no compromise to be made,

1658
01:45:11.400 --> 01:45:12.680
so the twins had to leave,

1659
01:45:12.680 --> 01:45:14.160
because that was my boundary

1660
01:45:14.160 --> 01:45:17.160
that I wasn't gonna work on Saturday.

1661
01:45:17.160 --> 01:45:19.760
But as you're talking all about these things today,

1662
01:45:19.760 --> 01:45:20.900
and all these things are coming up,

1663
01:45:20.900 --> 01:45:23.320
it kind of ends in the same type of thing,

1664
01:45:23.320 --> 01:45:25.800
because the woman who was in control,

1665
01:45:25.800 --> 01:45:27.240
because I work with a different agency,

1666
01:45:27.240 --> 01:45:28.840
and then we have children's aid,

1667
01:45:28.840 --> 01:45:31.300
was a very controlling lady,

1668
01:45:31.300 --> 01:45:34.320
and then this ends up like everything is just cut off.

1669
01:45:34.320 --> 01:45:36.040
So it kind of is like,

1670
01:45:36.040 --> 01:45:38.000
it's almost like the same thing,

1671
01:45:38.000 --> 01:45:39.000
where you're like cut off,

1672
01:45:39.000 --> 01:45:40.560
but it's like I tried to make,

1673
01:45:40.560 --> 01:45:43.600
you know, like I tried to be a team player,

1674
01:45:43.600 --> 01:45:46.040
and make a negotiation,

1675
01:45:46.040 --> 01:45:47.680
but nothing could be made.

1676
01:45:47.680 --> 01:45:51.000
And it's like, I can think of a few situations like this,

1677
01:45:51.000 --> 01:45:52.400
and it just ends in the same way.

1678
01:45:52.400 --> 01:45:54.380
And I'm like, okay, this isn't cool,

1679
01:45:54.380 --> 01:45:56.360
because, you know, like,

1680
01:45:56.360 --> 01:45:58.000
in the past, I just would have been like,

1681
01:45:58.000 --> 01:46:00.400
no, it's like, no, I'm not doing Saturday,

1682
01:46:00.400 --> 01:46:02.320
and that's it, I'm not gonna make a compromise

1683
01:46:02.320 --> 01:46:03.720
for two Saturdays, two Sundays,

1684
01:46:03.720 --> 01:46:06.080
two, you know, like, different times, different this,

1685
01:46:06.080 --> 01:46:08.600
three Sundays, one Saturday, whatever.

1686
01:46:08.600 --> 01:46:12.000
So, you know, and I feel like it ends the same way

1687
01:46:12.000 --> 01:46:14.160
as you were talking about with your mom,

1688
01:46:14.160 --> 01:46:15.520
and that I was talking to somebody else

1689
01:46:15.520 --> 01:46:16.760
about some health challenges,

1690
01:46:16.760 --> 01:46:17.580
and they were like,

1691
01:46:17.580 --> 01:46:19.080
it seems like you've got some anger,

1692
01:46:19.080 --> 01:46:20.040
or something like that,

1693
01:46:20.040 --> 01:46:23.540
that's kind of, you know, stored up or laid back.

1694
01:46:23.540 --> 01:46:24.560
So I was like, you know,

1695
01:46:24.560 --> 01:46:26.160
I was like, maybe this all ties in, you know,

1696
01:46:26.160 --> 01:46:27.040
I just say it out loud,

1697
01:46:27.040 --> 01:46:29.000
and I know I'll get an answer here,

1698
01:46:29.000 --> 01:46:30.760
and Holy Spirit will do something,

1699
01:46:30.760 --> 01:46:32.880
and I'll go deal with it.

1700
01:46:34.640 --> 01:46:37.340
Well, so I see a little bit of correlation.

1701
01:46:37.340 --> 01:46:40.040
One thing that I totally understand

1702
01:46:40.040 --> 01:46:42.420
why you wanna hold that Saturday, I do.

1703
01:46:45.300 --> 01:46:47.600
But I just wanna kind of put this out there.

1704
01:46:48.480 --> 01:46:49.880
I wonder if,

1705
01:46:52.240 --> 01:46:54.440
if you could have switched to have your day off

1706
01:46:54.440 --> 01:46:55.520
be a different day.

1707
01:46:56.520 --> 01:46:58.960
Just putting that out there.

1708
01:46:58.960 --> 01:47:00.400
Because like, for example,

1709
01:47:01.840 --> 01:47:04.000
I, and my situation is different than yours,

1710
01:47:04.000 --> 01:47:06.540
but I just wanna give people example for context.

1711
01:47:08.880 --> 01:47:11.840
I can't take my Sabbath on Sundays,

1712
01:47:11.840 --> 01:47:14.940
because the church, I work on Sundays, okay?

1713
01:47:15.800 --> 01:47:19.080
But if I was just adamant that my Sabbath

1714
01:47:19.080 --> 01:47:21.840
has to be on Sunday,

1715
01:47:21.840 --> 01:47:24.880
then that would never work, right?

1716
01:47:24.920 --> 01:47:28.760
Because now circumstances in my life have changed,

1717
01:47:28.760 --> 01:47:30.720
and I'm now working for ministry,

1718
01:47:30.720 --> 01:47:32.740
and we work on Sundays.

1719
01:47:32.740 --> 01:47:33.960
I think sometimes,

1720
01:47:33.960 --> 01:47:38.160
and then some people can actually resent people,

1721
01:47:38.160 --> 01:47:39.480
or churches, or dynamics,

1722
01:47:39.480 --> 01:47:41.660
because now they're doing something

1723
01:47:41.660 --> 01:47:43.160
that they didn't really wanna do.

1724
01:47:43.160 --> 01:47:46.800
So if our heart is that we're not willing to change,

1725
01:47:46.800 --> 01:47:48.760
or shift things,

1726
01:47:48.760 --> 01:47:50.920
again, it's okay to have a boundary,

1727
01:47:50.920 --> 01:47:52.660
and it's okay to honor that,

1728
01:47:52.660 --> 01:47:54.760
as long as your heart is free and clear,

1729
01:47:55.600 --> 01:47:56.440
but I kind of hear you saying

1730
01:47:56.440 --> 01:47:59.040
it's leading to some other revealing for you.

1731
01:47:59.040 --> 01:48:01.040
So God might be just trying to show you

1732
01:48:01.040 --> 01:48:03.320
ways that you can shift out of that.

1733
01:48:04.540 --> 01:48:05.760
Like, if it's not my way,

1734
01:48:05.760 --> 01:48:08.260
it's like the highway kind of thinking.

1735
01:48:09.760 --> 01:48:11.760
The things that I do on the Saturday,

1736
01:48:11.760 --> 01:48:13.840
the market is only on Saturday.

1737
01:48:15.480 --> 01:48:17.240
I can't switch any of that, right?

1738
01:48:17.240 --> 01:48:18.200
And that's why I was like,

1739
01:48:18.200 --> 01:48:19.520
could it be a different time?

1740
01:48:19.520 --> 01:48:21.760
Could it be later in the afternoon?

1741
01:48:21.760 --> 01:48:22.960
Could it be,

1742
01:48:22.960 --> 01:48:25.240
that's why I was offering all these options

1743
01:48:25.240 --> 01:48:27.360
to try to make it work.

1744
01:48:27.360 --> 01:48:29.760
Yeah, so you were trying to shift it,

1745
01:48:29.760 --> 01:48:31.560
and still try to make it work,

1746
01:48:31.560 --> 01:48:33.620
just not on that day,

1747
01:48:33.620 --> 01:48:35.500
because there were other things that you had going on.

1748
01:48:35.500 --> 01:48:36.340
That's what you're saying.

1749
01:48:36.340 --> 01:48:37.480
But even later in the day,

1750
01:48:37.480 --> 01:48:39.640
like, nine, instead of,

1751
01:48:39.640 --> 01:48:41.040
right in the middle of when the market is,

1752
01:48:41.040 --> 01:48:43.040
from eight to 12 in the morning,

1753
01:48:43.040 --> 01:48:46.520
the thing that I love to do every,

1754
01:48:46.520 --> 01:48:48.680
that's just my joy of the summer.

1755
01:48:48.680 --> 01:48:52.040
So did that social worker just remove the kids then,

1756
01:48:52.080 --> 01:48:55.480
or did you ask the kiddos to go on and be moved somewhere?

1757
01:48:55.480 --> 01:48:57.560
Instead of, I'm feeling to do this Saturday,

1758
01:48:57.560 --> 01:48:59.840
at this time exactly, that's it.

1759
01:48:59.840 --> 01:49:02.600
You know, like, just put in my notice.

1760
01:49:02.600 --> 01:49:06.560
Okay, so I think the good question to ask the Lord here

1761
01:49:06.560 --> 01:49:10.260
is the similarity between this woman and your mom.

1762
01:49:11.400 --> 01:49:13.040
So I'm talking in the heartwork,

1763
01:49:13.040 --> 01:49:14.400
I don't know if some of you would remember,

1764
01:49:14.400 --> 01:49:16.560
I talk in the heartwork about,

1765
01:49:16.560 --> 01:49:18.520
and I've probably done advanced heartwork on this

1766
01:49:18.520 --> 01:49:22.840
at some point, about brazen mothers.

1767
01:49:22.840 --> 01:49:25.800
Brazen, that's the word, B-R-A-Z-E-N.

1768
01:49:25.800 --> 01:49:28.040
Okay, I want you to look that word up this week

1769
01:49:28.040 --> 01:49:29.480
and really sit with the Lord on it,

1770
01:49:29.480 --> 01:49:34.360
because sometimes we can have brazen women in our life,

1771
01:49:34.360 --> 01:49:36.640
and that were in authority over us,

1772
01:49:36.640 --> 01:49:38.800
that didn't walk in divine feminine,

1773
01:49:38.800 --> 01:49:40.560
they didn't walk in like,

1774
01:49:41.720 --> 01:49:43.560
the word that's coming to my spirit

1775
01:49:43.560 --> 01:49:45.480
is generosity in their spirit.

1776
01:49:45.480 --> 01:49:47.180
And generosity isn't just money,

1777
01:49:47.180 --> 01:49:50.140
it's a heart attitude, it's a posture,

1778
01:49:50.140 --> 01:49:53.300
you know, where it's a harshness versus love.

1779
01:49:53.300 --> 01:49:56.220
You know, like you said, my mom said,

1780
01:49:56.220 --> 01:49:57.820
or you said, if she didn't like something,

1781
01:49:57.820 --> 01:50:00.660
she just cut it off, cut me off, cut it off.

1782
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:05.160
off, whatever. And so I'm just seeing a similarity here, that

1783
01:50:05.480 --> 01:50:08.560
might lead you back to some more forgiveness with regarding your

1784
01:50:08.560 --> 01:50:15.680
mom. So until that happens, it seems like you're attracting

1785
01:50:15.680 --> 01:50:18.360
these women, and then we can also start to function in those

1786
01:50:18.360 --> 01:50:20.800
same kind of ways. And not that you were, but I'm just saying

1787
01:50:20.800 --> 01:50:24.560
that for context for everybody, that we have to really guard

1788
01:50:24.560 --> 01:50:28.240
against not also then walking in those things. And where this

1789
01:50:28.240 --> 01:50:32.000
comes in as men being really aggressive, very controlling and

1790
01:50:32.000 --> 01:50:36.600
domineering, women just have to submit. So it shows up for men

1791
01:50:36.600 --> 01:50:42.640
too, but the women it tends to show up very brazen. Yeah, B-R-A-Z-E-N.

1792
01:50:43.920 --> 01:50:47.080
You all can look that up. And so Crystal, I think maybe the Lord

1793
01:50:47.080 --> 01:50:49.760
is just doing another layer of revealing for healing regarding

1794
01:50:49.760 --> 01:50:54.320
your mom and forgiving her for times that she did, like she

1795
01:50:54.320 --> 01:50:56.920
didn't extend grace to you, and she just kind of cut you off.

1796
01:50:57.840 --> 01:51:01.840
And as you forgive her for some more things, I feel like maybe

1797
01:51:01.840 --> 01:51:07.080
that will start to, you know, kind of cut the cord of that

1798
01:51:07.080 --> 01:51:11.400
coming towards you. Remember, it's a spirit, this is a spirit

1799
01:51:11.400 --> 01:51:15.440
that's operating through these people, and in this case, women,

1800
01:51:16.360 --> 01:51:19.760
and you're seeing it show up, you're strong, and they're

1801
01:51:19.760 --> 01:51:24.000
strong, strong women, not, you know, and that's very common.

1802
01:51:24.120 --> 01:51:27.480
It's actually really, really common. And so we'll be praying

1803
01:51:27.480 --> 01:51:30.720
for you. Let us know how that goes. As you do, I would get out

1804
01:51:30.720 --> 01:51:33.400
a forgiveness prayer sheet, revealing for healing cycle and

1805
01:51:33.400 --> 01:51:35.840
really just work through that and see what else kind of gets

1806
01:51:35.840 --> 01:51:39.320
revealed to you in the process. And then let us know how it

1807
01:51:39.320 --> 01:51:39.760
goes.

1808
01:51:40.480 --> 01:51:41.920
Definitely, we'll do it. Thanks so much.

1809
01:51:41.920 --> 01:51:45.640
Yeah, you're welcome. It's really important, y'all. This

1810
01:51:45.640 --> 01:51:47.840
stuff really shows up in all different kinds of ways. This

1811
01:51:47.840 --> 01:51:50.000
has been a great session. So glad to have all of you here

1812
01:51:50.000 --> 01:51:54.800
with us tonight. Really want to continue to encourage you to

1813
01:51:54.840 --> 01:51:58.880
look at and ask with curiosity. Remember, we stay curious, we

1814
01:51:58.880 --> 01:52:04.120
ask God good questions, and then he responds. And regarding what

1815
01:52:04.120 --> 01:52:09.400
we talked about tonight, Lord, where do I, if I have any, where

1816
01:52:09.400 --> 01:52:13.720
does control and perfectionism show up for me? And how is it

1817
01:52:13.720 --> 01:52:18.160
hindering me in my relationships? Okay, that's the

1818
01:52:18.160 --> 01:52:21.080
main question. Father, thank you so much for everything that

1819
01:52:21.080 --> 01:52:25.320
you're doing. Thank you for the healing that's taking place

1820
01:52:25.320 --> 01:52:27.960
tonight. God, thank you even for the pause towards the end

1821
01:52:27.960 --> 01:52:32.040
tonight, just to help people reconnect with you to think

1822
01:52:32.040 --> 01:52:36.320
about, you know, how is their connection going with you? We

1823
01:52:36.320 --> 01:52:40.040
know that you love us. God, I thank you that your truth is

1824
01:52:40.040 --> 01:52:44.480
that you always catch us. Lord, where we are afraid that you

1825
01:52:44.480 --> 01:52:47.320
don't come through for us. God, I pray for revelation to come

1826
01:52:47.320 --> 01:52:50.720
for every person. Give them an upgrade of revelation of your

1827
01:52:50.720 --> 01:52:56.560
love of who you are as a good and faithful father. Yes, Lord.

1828
01:52:59.160 --> 01:53:03.720
Yes, Lord, I thank you that you don't cut the string and cause

1829
01:53:03.720 --> 01:53:07.160
us to be lost in the crowd. I just, I literally saw like

1830
01:53:07.160 --> 01:53:10.560
almost like those things where parents would hook their kids up

1831
01:53:10.560 --> 01:53:13.040
to them, you know, for season that was like, you saw those

1832
01:53:13.040 --> 01:53:17.640
everywhere. Just like God has that set up with us, but it's

1833
01:53:17.640 --> 01:53:20.720
not to entangle us. It's not to control us. It's so that we can

1834
01:53:20.720 --> 01:53:24.240
stay connected to him in a positive way. And what I heard

1835
01:53:24.240 --> 01:53:27.960
him say is he's not clipping the cord. He's not, he's not just

1836
01:53:28.200 --> 01:53:31.400
allowing us to be lost in a crowd. So some of you, I just

1837
01:53:31.400 --> 01:53:34.000
hear the Lord saying, you think you're lost in the crowd and the

1838
01:53:34.000 --> 01:53:42.800
sea of people, but I see you. God sees you. He's working. So

1839
01:53:42.800 --> 01:53:44.960
Lord, I pray that you just help us to learn how to stay

1840
01:53:44.960 --> 01:53:49.360
connected to you as we surrender and let go. God, that you would

1841
01:53:49.360 --> 01:53:52.520
reveal areas for healing, help reveal the lies that we've been

1842
01:53:52.520 --> 01:53:56.680
believing the vows that we've claimed and made that hinder us

1843
01:53:56.680 --> 01:53:59.600
from the inside out. We know that you're giving us an

1844
01:53:59.600 --> 01:54:05.200
upgrade. Teach us, show us, heal us, grow us. In Jesus name.

1845
01:54:05.360 --> 01:54:09.400
Amen. God bless you all. We'll see you all in the groups this

1846
01:54:09.400 --> 01:54:11.920
week. Remember, come in and confess if there's something you

1847
01:54:11.960 --> 01:54:14.520
need to confess, maybe you've been resentful towards someone

1848
01:54:14.520 --> 01:54:18.640
or, you know, really trying to lean into that control vibe.

1849
01:54:19.360 --> 01:54:21.640
Maybe even towards a guy you went on a date with, I don't

1850
01:54:21.640 --> 01:54:24.000
know, whatever it is, come in and confess it. Let's get this

1851
01:54:24.000 --> 01:54:26.880
stuff off of us and out of us. Because then you're going to be

1852
01:54:26.880 --> 01:54:31.000
a lot more free to show up in a full, happy way. God bless you

1853
01:54:31.000 --> 01:54:32.240
all. Have a good night, everyone.

1854
01:54:32.600 --> 01:54:33.720
Thank you, Bethany.

1855
01:54:34.280 --> 01:54:35.040
God bless you.