All right, hey everyone, welcome, welcome, hey, hey, hey.
I'm a little bit blurry, huh, hmm, I don't know, I don't know why I'm blurry.
All right you guys, there's about 66, 67 of us on here live on this beautiful June evening.
Can you guys believe that June is almost over, what the heck, we're headed to the second
half of June already, in just another week, sayonara June, hello July, 250th birthday
of America happening, first week of July, it's going to be, it's going to be a fun time.
My image keeps freezing, hmm, is that for everybody?
Put a thumbs up in the chat if I'm freezing for you.
A bit choppy, okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, freezing and blurry, okay, all right, hold on a second
you guys.
Okay, all right, hold on a second, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hang on guys, I'll be back in just a second trying to figure out the technical difficulty
here.
Don't go anywhere, it's going to be good tonight.
Okay, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.
All right, I'm on the road, as you can see.
I'm on the move.
All right, friends, welcome to Ask Jackie.
If you've never been here before, this is the session where you get to ask me all of
your dating questions, all of your hard work questions, all of your questions, and I will
answer them to the best of my ability.
I might know the answers, I might not, but a lot of times people don't see a lot of me
until they get to phase three.
That rhymed, love it, because you only see me in your heartwork videos or on Supernatural
Saturday.
And so here I am.
Welcome to me, Jackie D., who is brand new to phase three.
Let me see you in the chat who just got here.
You're like, I made it, girl.
I made it to the end.
Let me see.
Second week, oh, second week.
Okay, awesome.
All right, I'm believing that you guys can hear me and see me well now, is that right?
Okay, wonderful.
All right, you guys, well, I have been in the midst of my Modern Dating Sucks book club.
That's why I have been a little bit AWOL, because I've been in the midst of it.
And go ahead, show me in the chat if you have been in the Modern Dating Sucks book club,
this last book club, the only book club.
Let me see your hand if you've been in there with me.
Hopefully you've been enjoying it.
Hopefully you've been getting a lot out of it.
You feel like you are getting to a place where you're ready to have that summer of love.
26, 27 of you, 28, 29, 30, about 30 of you on here.
All right, awesome.
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
Well, give me some hearts if you've been loving it.
We have our last session is next week, and we are going to cover a lot of amazing things.
You guys, I'll say this in the book club.
So for those of you that are in the book club, you're going to have a double dip.
Okay, you're going to have a double dip.
But I get so many testimonies in this community of community-based matchmaking.
And it's just so incredible.
I want to read this to you.
You guys humor me.
I want to really inspire you guys tonight.
I want to get you excited about what God has in store for you.
I want to read this for you.
All right.
It says, hold on, I'm going into my little account here.
All right, this is, I got this.
So I was congratulating one of our brides on her wedding.
They invited me to the wedding, but I couldn't come.
My son was getting married at the same time.
And I don't go to all the weddings, and I'm not promising you guys that I'll come to your wedding.
But I will put your invitation in my keepsake box.
If you send me one, I will send you a congratulation.
I will celebrate you on my social media.
I won't necessarily be able to come to your wedding.
Maybe, but probably not.
Okay?
All right.
So I sent her a little congratulatory note, and then she sent me this back.
She said, thank you, Jackie.
She said, you know, thanks basically for helping me to get married.
Thanks for helping me, letting me be a part of this amazing program.
She said, I want to give you a testimony.
So this is the testimony.
Last May, y'all, so 12 months, less than 12 months ago, for those of you that have been
around long enough to remember, married in 12 months or less.
Last May, I went to an anniversary party of some friends.
She's already in the program, and she gets invited to an anniversary party of some friends.
Okay?
And the friends that the anniversary party was for was someone who got married through
this program.
She was brought into this program by someone who had success here, and that's what happens
so often.
So she was at an anniversary party, and there was a young man.
man there that she used to know from church.
So she goes to an anniversary party of one of our success stories, the same person that
brought her into the community.
And she goes there and she sees someone from her past, a young man who used to go to church
with her.
And she told him and his brother about our program.
Okay.
She used to know him when he was a little boy.
He was a little boy when she attended church with his family.
And so she told him about last year's single.
She said, because I thought I would help him and his brother find matches.
He turned around that same night and he matched her with his coworker.
He played matchmaker.
This young man thought to introduce her to someone that he worked with.
Okay.
And that young man not only match made her, but she ended up marrying that coworker that
he matched her with that night.
And that young man became the best man at their wedding.
But it goes on.
Our MC and one of the bridesmaids was the couple whose anniversary party that she went
to and the matron of honor that introduced me to your program after she did the bride
bootcamp and got happily married after a year.
Her love story was also supernatural and a story of somebody, you know, knows somebody
who knows your spirit mate.
And then she ends her testimony with my husband says, hi, do we not love it?
Do we not love it?
Okay.
For all of you that are sad that you didn't get in the book club first time around, I
didn't do this last time, but I'm going to do it this time because enough people were
like, Oh, Jackie, I couldn't do it.
Tuesdays aren't good for me, blah, blah, blah.
All the things we've gotten the emails and the messages.
I'm going to do it one more time.
So when I end this one, I'm going to start the next one.
Okay.
On Mondays, this time, one Tuesday, Mondays and one Tuesday, it is available and replay
if you can't be there live.
But you guys, it is live.
So got to cap it, got to cap it.
Don't want it to get too big.
And it is open to the public just so you know, and ladies, we have a bunch of men that signed
up for this one, not men that are not in this program.
So just interesting.
It's just interesting that the men from my Instagram that follow me on Instagram.
And anyway, it's really powerful.
It's going to help you take a really good look at your dating life, what it looks like,
how you got here, how we all got here, how did we all get here?
Why is dating feel so hard?
What can we do about it?
And it's really very practical work, but it's very supernatural work as well.
And so if you want to join, go to my Facebook.
I'm sorry, don't go to my Facebook.
I don't even know why I said that.
Go to my website, JackieDorman.com.
Go to the dropdown menu, find the word book, click on that, and then that will be the page
that's all about this book.
Scroll down till you see book club, and it should say starts June 22nd.
Click it and sign up.
Cool.
JackieDorman.com, dropdown menu, book, scroll down till you get to the book club.
Click it.
Sorry guys, my brain's a little bit fried.
I just got off a premarital coaching session right before I jumped on here.
But I just want to say this, we'll start, ask Jackie off, we'll just start it off strong.
This couple is not equally yoked in the way of spiritual understanding.
They're equally yoked in the way of they both believe Jesus is the son of God.
They both love God.
They both go to church, but one of them is much more spiritually mature than the other
person.
One of them has been not necessarily a Christian longer, but they were raised in different
denominations.
So we have a charismatic Christian that's definitely more versed in Holy Spirit things.
And then we have more of a denominational Christian, loves God, very consecrated, but
not really knowledgeable about the things of the spirit.
You're like, can that work out?
Can that be a match?
A hundred percent, it can.
If we approach that other person with curiosity and not fear, remember equal yoking does not
have to do with the level of spiritual acumen that you have, the level of spiritual understanding
that you have, the level of spiritual maturity, even that you have, it has to do with, do
you both believe that Jesus is the son of God?
And he is your Savior. Do you believe in Christ? Are you a Christ follower?
That's what the Bible says.
People people take this equal yoking and they just make it mean all kinds of different things that it doesn't mean scripturally.
All right.
You guys we cannot take scriptures and make them mean whatever we want them to mean.
They mean what they mean in context in context.
Did any of you see my post before I took it down?
Did any of you see my post on Instagram before I before I hit it?
about
the woman
Some woman apparently she's some preacher. I don't know wrote a book or two or whatever
but she was talking about how everyone who wants to get married will not get married because and then she used as her
scriptural proof a
Scripture from Isaiah that talks about and seven women will grab one man and say we don't even want you to give us your name
Well, we just we just want you to give us your name. We'll get our own bread seven women grab one man
She said there's a shortage of men. There's not enough men to come around get around, you know
She's supposed to be a preacher. She's supposed to be a Bible preacher
No shade at her. I'm not mad at her but that ain't what that scripture means
you cannot cherry-pick scripture and then
Apply it to modern dating
Okay, Isaiah 4. I believe it is where that scripture is written down in the Holy Word of God
It is Isaiah talking about
The war that happened because of Israel's disobedience. They they went to war and guess what? Almost all the men died
That's why
In the chapter before
This verse it says why there's a shortage of men because all the men died. It's not a dating verse. It's a war verse and
It says that in that day seven women will grab hold of one man and be like give us identity
Give us your name. We don't need you to provide for us. We just need lineage because all the men are dead
right
You guys you can't make that a dating scripture for the year 2026 now. I know that dating feels like a battlefield
But that's not what that scripture means you can't just pick a scripture out of the Bible and say yeah
This is why Chad from hinged doesn't text you back. No
No
It doesn't work that way you guys and
Honestly anytime someone starts quoting scripture
People start listening and it causes hopelessness. And so can we reject that hopelessness now because the Bible doesn't say that
Can we just reject it and you might say well Jackie. Why did you hide it? It was so good
It was a hot take y'all and I wasn't throwing any shade at her
I was very respectful
But I righted the wrongs and I put it in context and then I hid it and the reason why I hid it is
because this woman was a woman of color and
People showed up in the comments talking about well Jackie, you know, she was talking about
Black women and black men
Because she went on to she quoted that scripture and she went on to say, you know
Basically this scripture is explaining why you know
All these men there's no men to marry anymore because they're they're incarcerated or they're gay or they're this or they're that and
listen, I
Want you guys to know something? I
Just want to talk about America. So if you're here and you're in another country
I did not do the research on your country so I can't give you your stats
But I always want to give you the math you guys all right
I do understand that there are people groups that feel like marriage is really hard and that it's impossible, but there's nothing impossible with God
Because let me just give you the numbers there's 60 million single men 60 million
Please follow me in
America
60 million single men that are not gay or incarcerated
60 million and y'all you don't need a million. You don't need a thousand. You don't even need one out, too
You need one. You need one
Okay, and
Then you might be like what would Jackie we got to marry Christians. Okay, so there's
35
million of that 60 million
Not gay not incarcerated single men of marriageable age are Christian 35 million
Once again, you only need one
Guess how many women that are single and incarcerated?
Christian and not incarcerated and not gay are?
35 million.
I don't know.
Can we all just marry each other and get this over with?
I think that'd be a good idea.
Now, it's not saying that those are single people
that are marriage-minded.
I don't know about that.
I just know that they are single,
they're not gay, they're not incarcerated,
and they're certified, and they're Christian.
They put on their census report that they're Christian.
Now, what level of Christianity?
I don't know.
But you know and I know that there's 35 million of them.
Now, if we take the number,
percentage of the population of America
that is African-American,
which I think is 4.4%,
and we apply it to that number.
I did this math and it mathed, you guys.
But basically, the bottom line is
is that there were about 6 million
not gay, not incarcerated,
single, marriageable age black men in America.
So if you're a woman of color on here, you only need one.
If you have your little heart set on marrying a man
that comes from the same culture as you
and has the same skin color as you,
then okay, if that's what your heart is set on, okay.
But is it a non-negotiable?
Is it?
Because I didn't, listen, the reason why I hid the post
is because I didn't wanna snap back.
Because I understand people are sensitive
and I understand people have their own realities
and people have their own experiences
and they're allowed to have that.
And I'm not taking that from them.
And I don't wanna argue with anyone.
But you can marry people
that have a different skin color as you.
You might have your heart set on a certain type of person.
And I wanna get to you to understand
that that's not a non-negotiable
and that should not be on your non-negotiable list.
It should not.
You don't know what God wants to do
with your lineage and your legacy.
It should not be there.
It shouldn't.
Okay, that's a preference.
Put it where it belongs, on your preference list.
You're like, but I'm only attracted to people
that look like me, or I'm only attracted to people
that understand the culture that I've come from.
And that could be for everyone.
That could be for all of you people of whatever.
We have all different cultures here at Last Year Single
and that's what I love.
We have white people, we have brown people,
we have other people.
People never know what nationality I am.
My daughter told me today that she thinks
that we're East Asian or Mexican.
Because we don't have wisdom teeth.
I don't know.
My daughter shows up this morning in my text messages
and she's like, mom, you don't have wisdom teeth, right?
You were born without them.
And I was like, yeah, I was born without them.
And she goes, yeah, me too.
And she's like, and I get that from you
because dad, my dad has wisdom teeth.
And I'm like, okay, and?
And she's like, well, I did some research
and the only cultures that don't have wisdom teeth
are East Asian and Mexican.
And then she goes, can we do a genealogy test?
And I'm like, whatever you need, baby.
Whatever you need.
I mean, I was told, and we're all told crazy things,
but I was told that we were Native American.
I was told that we were Jewish.
That's where our skin color, we're Mediterranean.
I was told all kinds of things.
So, and family folklore, who knows what anyone is anymore?
I know that we're all a mixture of a lot of things.
So I really wanna encourage you guys,
especially after that experience that I had yesterday.
Please do not allow people to teach you scripture
out of context, especially when it causes hopelessness
or causes fear.
And then secondly, friends,
with God, all things are possible.
And it's not even impossible.
There's 35 million men, ladies and gentlemen,
there are 35 million women.
You only need one.
It's not a hopeless situation.
It's far from hopeless.
And so I really, really wanna encourage you
to not buy into that.
And also to keep in mind, now this is between you and God.
If there's some reason why marrying in your culture
is a promise God's made to you,
and it's about your lineage and your legacy,
I'm not gonna argue with you about that.
You're allowed to have that.
If you really believe it's a non-negotiable,
it is for you.
But for most of us, it's not.
And I have been posting a lot
of interracial marriages lately, all different types,
not just black and white or brown and white,
or I'm trying to think of all the combinations of people.
You know, I've had in just the last couple months,
three or four months, we have had white and Asian.
Asian combinations, we have had lots, we've had lots and lots of intercultural, like intercontinental
love stories.
So like, you know, Canadian people and American people or African, you know, South African
people and Australian people.
So we've had a lot of intercontinental romance.
But as far as race goes, we have had a lot of interracial marriages between black and
white people, between like native people, like aboriginal people and Asian people, Asian
and white.
I'm trying to think of all the different combinations that we've had.
White and African, like African, like, you know, Nigeria.
And I've had, I've had three brides, three of my pretty Caucasian brides here in America
actually marry men in Uganda, Nigeria, and one other country in Africa.
And then I had two women marry Indian men, not Indian men, I'm sorry, Muslim, well, they're
converted, they're Christians, but marry men in Pakistan and Iran.
A lot of y'all couldn't say yes to that love story, let's just be honest.
Are we being honest?
I would have to start questioning the Lord a little bit, even me, like, oh Lord, are
you sure?
But so I just, I want to, I want to help us get out of our own way, you guys.
We have to start thinking bigger.
God's kingdom is vast and it's multicultural.
And I just really want to help us get there.
And listen, that doesn't rob you of your personal experience with discrimination or racism or
any of those things.
But what better way to kind of break through those barriers than to, you know, begin to
embrace other cultures, right?
And to have them embrace you.
And so just pray about it.
If you feel like you have a block here or there's anything blocking you here, just pray
about it.
Okay.
All right.
Anyway, so that's all I have there at the beginning.
I wanted to talk about the faith thing.
So does anyone have, okay, I have questions up already.
Does anyone have any issue with marrying someone that you feel like you're more spiritually
mature than?
And I don't mean like they're sinning.
I just mean like you, you've just known Jesus longer than they have, or they grew up denominational
so they don't really roll around in the gold dust and speak in tongues or whatever like
you do.
Come on, let's look at the chat, you guys.
So is it a biblical thing that the man has to be the spiritual leader?
And if he's not, I guess as mature has been walking with hasn't been walking with God
as much or know the word as much, like how do you submit to that?
I don't have time to do a teaching on this, but the whole scripture about the men is the
man is the head.
That's not what it means.
And so we have put all this undue pressure on men.
You know, everyone has different spiritual gifts.
You guys, let's go over to Paul's teachings and he talks about how we're all different
members of the body.
He talks about how there's all different gifts and that the spirit kind of gives those gifts
out as he sees fit, right?
And so what happens to a lot of women, especially if they're really spiritually charismatic
and gifted is they expect the man that they're marrying the way, the way that they see spiritual
leadership is they expect him to be more spiritual in the same way that they're spiritual.
They expect him to be more charismatically gifted.
They expect him to speak in tongues more.
They expect him to prophesy more.
They expect him to, you know, just be spiritually higher than them in the way that they understand
spirituality.
Does that make sense to you guys?
And that is not what Paul teaches.
Paul doesn't teach based on gender.
He doesn't teach based on married or single.
He said the spirit gives out the gifts as he will.
Amen.
Okay, so being a spiritual leader and ladies, hopefully, you know, all of you have a personal
relationship with Jesus and you're not looking for someone to lead you like your parents
did when you were a child.
You don't need a Sunday school teacher and a husband.
Do you know you want to do life with someone?
You want to grow spiritually together.
Is that not correct?
You want someone who understands why you love God, understands your faith, supports your
faith, has their own faith, but you're not going to grow in unison.
You guys know that you're not going to grow in unison.
You do not have a spiritual.
You are not going to grow in unison, you're not going to grow at the same level, you're
not going to grow at the same rates or the same speed, you're not going to grow in the
same way.
Can you wrap your heart around that?
Can you receive it?
You're not.
When I married David, he had already been in vocational ministry, which means ministry
was his job at a megachurch, spirit-filled church, for over 20 years when I met him.
When he met me, I had already been in vocational ministry, meaning I was a leader in a church
doing ministry work as a career for 17 years.
But guess what?
We were not alike spiritually at all.
We were not alike spiritually.
The way that we connected with God was not the same.
The way that we grew was not the same.
Over the course of the next 10, 12, 15 years, our relationships with God looked very different.
Our growth looked very different.
Our revelation looked very different.
At any time I ever tried to kind of pull him into what God was doing in my life, it's not
that we didn't talk.
It's not that we didn't share those things, but when you start forcing your revelation
on someone else, your timeline on someone else, your rate of growth on someone else,
that's when you start struggling in marriage.
That's when things start getting hard.
That's when people start feeling judged and not seen, but judged, misunderstood, resistant.
So let's be careful with that.
All right.
So did I answer your question?
Pipe back up.
Who was that?
That was me.
We would love if you, when you get a chance, do a teaching on that.
I think you've mentioned it on Supernatural Saturdays too.
Maybe do a teaching on that.
It'd be awesome.
Okay.
I will.
I'm going to do a teaching on unpacking the scriptures about spiritual leadership of the
man.
There's a passage from the scripture about the man is the head of the family, the head,
right?
Christ is the head of the man and the man is the head.
So I'll do a teaching on that so you'll see that it doesn't mean what you think it does.
And the reason why you think it means that is because somewhere along the line, some
church picked up the scripture, just like the scripture of this woman saying that seven
women are going to grab one man, and they made it mean whatever they wanted it to mean,
but it actually isn't what it means.
Just like the teachings on divorce, someone grabbed him and said, oh, hey, this is what
it means.
So unless you have evidence that this person has cheated on you and had sex with someone
else, then you cannot get divorced because you're committing adultery.
That's not what the scripture says.
So we can't just read the Bible, y'all.
We've got to read the Bible.
We've got to understand what we're reading.
And that's important.
And you guys, if you've known me long enough, you know that one of my primary callings is
to rightly divide the word of God for others, to be a teacher that's held accountable to
her teaching, but to take scripture that is being religiously abused and misused and mistaught
and misunderstood and make it make sense.
All right, next question.
Let's go ahead and jump in.
Leslie, what you got?
Oh, I don't think I have a question.
OK, that's all right.
You guys have your hands up maybe for something else.
So put them down if you don't have a question.
I'll give you a second and then I'll we'll start going from there.
All right.
If you have your hand up, I'm going to assume you have a question, Candy.
And you guys, let's be quick with the questions, because a lot of times the questions take
all the time.
OK, how about Alla, is it Alla, Alla?
Help me.
All right.
Moving on.
Amanda.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi.
So I'm going to start with the question and then I'm going to explain really quickly about
what's going on.
So the question is, should I continue getting to know this guy I'm talking to?
So we were long distance.
I'm near Fort Lauderdale, he's near Gainesville, and we've been talking for like two months
and getting to know each other through FaceTime and calling over the phone.
And, you know, we have really different communication styles.
Like I communicate really well.
Well, I assume I do.
And sometimes he takes a while to respond.
And then when he does, it's like doesn't even answer the question that I was asking.
And he's very unorganized.
He's not a planner.
He doesn't like to plan.
He's more of like an avoidant.
attachment style person, and I'm more like anxious. So I was watching one of the teachings
about that and I know you're like, don't do that to yourself. How would you pick someone like that,
you know? But you know, when we went on our date last week, we really had a great time.
Like there was chemistry, there was connection. I enjoyed my time with him.
I just don't know, like, it's funny, you're just talking about like the spiritual maturity.
I don't think he's like, I don't know if he's mature enough, like spiritually,
or just in general, because he loves joking around and I'm still trying to get used to
his personality. So I just don't know, like, if I should continue getting to know him or
just kind of like, you know, stop talking to him.
So you've been on one date?
We've been on one date. We were supposed to meet up earlier, but he had like a
scapula injury, so it got postponed. So we finally met last week.
And when you say that you're trying to get used to, you know, like his personality,
do you mean that he like is off color, he's crude, he says things like, you know,
says things that, you know, Christian, like, you know, things that make you uncomfortable,
or that Christians wouldn't say, or jokes around about sex or anything,
like, like, I need to know what you mean by that.
So it's not really too crude. It's more of like a playful joking around, like,
I would ask him a question, like, Oh, what did you do today? Like, how's your day? He wouldn't
answer directly. He just be like, Oh, just living life, you know, and goofing around that way. And
it can be annoying a little bit. But I know, he just he told me he's like that. And he told me
like, a lot of the girls that he would talk to before, they would leave when they see him like
that. But he noticed that I stayed. Because I didn't really bother me that much. But yeah,
and it bothered them because like, he's too mysterious, annoying. It's annoying,
because like, he won't answer directly. Um, like, like, almost like a private,
like a private situation. Very private. Yeah, he's very private and not like emotionally open.
It takes a little bit for me to try to get things, you know, out of him and things like that.
Well, I will tell you that the reason why you're asking me this question is because your nervous
system is dysregulated with him. And that's why it doesn't feel safe. It feels exciting. This is
what everyone needs to listen to. She doesn't feel safe. She feels excited. But a lot of that is
anxiety as well. And that's why she's asking the question. And here's the thing, friends,
when you show up to ask Jackie or you show up to another dating coach, one of our other sessions
with another coach, and you ask a question like this, like, oh, hey, we had fun together, you
know, da da da da. But I wonder if I should keep talking to him. The fact that you're asking it
is evidence that you feel like something's off. Because if it wasn't, you wouldn't be asking.
You'd be just having fun. You'd be enjoying it. You'd be enjoying the next time. You'd be
thinking about the next time. But you see, she feels something's off. Her nervous system feels
off. And is it fun? Yes. Could you continue to have fun with him? Yes. Is he a placeholder?
Probably. Probably. Can he meet you where you are as far as what you want in a mate, a spouse? Is
he ready for that level of relationship? Doesn't sound like it. And the reason why I'm judging that
is because I have had a lot of experience with men who will not answer questions directly. Hey,
what did you do today? Oh, I went to work. You know, I went to the gym. They're like,
just live in life. It's like they don't want to tell you what they did today.
They don't want you to ask them a question that they feel like they have to answer because they
don't want to be held accountable to you and they don't want to check in. And that's a red flag.
He's playing it off like he's playful. But the reason he even outed himself when he said,
other women have left when I've been like this. Yeah, because they saw the writing on the wall.
Like, oh, I'm never going to know what this guy's up to. He's never going to tell me.
He's not going to be held accountable because he's private. No, he's not private. He's sneaky.
There's a difference between those two things. Girl, you know, you know, I know. Yes.
They always are.
And you've been having a fun time.
You're so funny.
Thank you, Jackie.
Well, you know what?
You had some fun.
But you're looking for a husband.
Yes, ma'am.
Yep.
So don't let him waste your time.
Thank you.
All right.
You guys, those are the harder, kind of harder, and this is what I'm teaching in the Modern
Dating Sucks book club, is how to discern, not only does this person have the characteristics
that I need, and how do you discern that?
In the first 30 days of knowing them, she's already been talking to him for two months,
you are able to discern where they're at, are they marriage curious, or are they marriage
minded?
It doesn't mean that they're going to marry you.
It just means, hold on, y'all, we've got a lot of background noise somewhere, okay, are
they marriage curious, or are they marriage minded?
Have they done the work in order to go to the next level of relationship?
Not just with you, with anybody.
Are they ready?
What's their marriage readiness, their relationship readiness score?
And that's a lot of the work that we've been doing, because no one needs to waste their
time at this level.
You guys, none of you need to waste your time, because you're having fun, and you think it's
going somewhere, and wake up six months, nine months from now, realizing that this is a
dead end.
No, we don't got time for that.
We don't, and we're not going to do it.
Okay, Ala, did you have a question?
Yes, yes, hi, Jackie.
Hi.
Yes, I came to conclusion to stop dating anymore, to be up, perhaps.
I will take, I'm looking for my husband to find me.
So, this is my backstory.
I have been one year.
Okay, we don't have time for backstories right now.
Do you have a question for the loveseat?
Yes.
Okay.
My question, why am I still single?
Well, that's a really loaded question, and I'd have to really know you really well in
order to unpack that with you.
But I promise you, it's not because God's holding out on you.
It's not because you don't deserve a husband.
It's not because you're not healed enough, or you're not good enough.
It's not because you have kids.
I hear some children in the background.
It's not because of mistakes you've made in the past.
It's nothing like that.
It could be very practical.
It could be geography.
I don't know how many children you have, but it could be your level of being able to meet
new people and your community, what community you're in, what you're doing with your life,
your free time, how you meet people, where you meet people.
It could be a lot of different things.
And so, we don't really have time to unpack that, but we do have a moment to encourage
you that if you feel exhausted by dating, which is what I'm hearing from you, you feel
discouraged, which is what I'm seeing in you, it's okay for you to just go ahead and
take a break.
It's okay for you just to say, you know, God, I'm just going to fully give this to you.
You know it's the desire of my heart.
You know that I want it more than anything, but I'm going to go ahead and surrender it
to you because I'm burnt out.
I'm exhausted.
I feel hopeless and discouraged.
And then focus on something that's in your control.
This is not in your control.
Focus on something that's in your control.
Focus on taking a walk with your kids.
Focus on your health.
Focus on your children's health.
Focus on crafts or creating in any which way that you find, you know, healing and productive.
That's what you should focus on.
And friends, I've seen it happen a lot when people get to where she is right now where
she feels like she's done everything that she knows to do and this is not happening
for her.
They kind of let go of control and good things happen.
And so I just want to encourage you to do that because there isn't anyone here that
hasn't felt the feelings that you're feeling right now, including myself.
And it's really good to just take a step back and just exhale and give it to God.
Okay.
Thank you.
All right.
I'll have one more question.
Allah, I have one more question for you.
Where do you live?
I live in Florida.
What part?
Sarasota.
And how old are you?
I'm 41.
41.
And how many kids do you have?
I have three kids.
Divorced or widowed?
Divorced.
worst. Okay. And how is your relationship with your ex-spouse?
Is it amicable?
No, no. He, um, he has abandoned us.
We haven't seen him in three years or have no way of communicating.
So you can relocate because you don't have shared parenting.
You can do whatever you need to do.
No, really. God has blessed me with an awesome home.
Okay. That is, um, and I, um, I'm just trying to stay in Florida.
Florida. Okay. All right. So friends, come on.
You see your sister here. She's done everything that she can.
She's a single mama.
So she doesn't have a lot of free time to go off dating and trying to figure
things out. She lives in Sarasota, beautiful place.
She has her own home. She has children.
She doesn't have a baby daddy in the picture.
That's going to try to cause any trouble because he's gone though. All right.
So that's good. That's in her favor at this point, right?
Because a lot of times, you know, putting up with the next baby daddy is a lot.
And so, um, but she wants partnership. She wants a love story.
She's only 41 years old. You see her, she's beautiful. And so do your thing.
If you know anyone in that area or any surrounding area or anyone who wants to
move to beautiful Sarasota, Florida, um, go ahead and let her know.
I know that our coach, Bethany Cooper lives very close to there.
She lives in Fort Myers, which is about an hour, hour, 15,
hour 30 from where you live. And she has a whole church there,
whole church community. And so, um, you guys,
community-based matchmaking is where it's at.
I already read you a story about that at the beginning of tonight's call.
And so if you know anyone that she should meet, you either contact her,
drop in her DMS, make sure that you know this person and they're not a cuckoo
bird because she doesn't need any more of that. Okay. She's already had that.
She doesn't want that. All right. Um, or otherwise,
if you don't feel comfortable, you can go through us to get her an introduction.
All right. Thank you, Allah. All right.
Thank you. Rosanna, Rosanna.
Hi. Hi. I have a quick question of whether I should communicate with this guy.
We matched, um, almost two years ago. Um, we met at a coffee shop.
It was really great. Good conversation, chemistry. Um,
I'm actually very attracted to him physically. Um,
we talked for just a couple of weeks and then he said, I'm not ready. Um,
that, you know, whatever. I'm like, okay, fine. I was really bummed about it. Um,
and then he actually, a couple months later was like,
I can understand if you don't want to speak to me,
but I wouldn't have to like apologize for how like I ended things.
It turns out like he found himself extremely sexually attracted to me and just
did not want to like whatever. And so he apologized. He's like,
I didn't want to be disrespectful or anything like that,
but that's where I was. And I was like, Oh, okay.
And we had chatted for a little bit and we didn't really talk much after it on
an very small, like, Hey, Merry Christmas, whatever. And then, um,
this now fast forward this past Sunday, um, I was actually thinking about him.
We haven't talked in a while. And then, um,
he communicated with me that next Monday, the next day. And he was like, Hey,
were you at Easton yesterday on Sunday? I thought I saw you. And I was like,
uh, no, I wasn't. And he was like, Oh, it's ironic.
We were both thinking about each other and it's been, it's been a long time.
And so, um, I was like, well, you could still see me, um,
like in person if you're still single. Um, and he was like,
I would love to see you if you're interested.
And so we met up actually at the same exact place that we met for our first
date almost two years ago. And so, um, he's 34, he's never been married,
uh, doesn't have any children and he is interested in marriage and stuff.
We align with a lot of things, um, with, I have a heart for women.
He has a heart for men. So there's a lot of stuff that we agree on. Um,
and so there was one yellow flag. He did get injured, um, on the job.
So he has to work with, um,
workers comp to try to navigate getting his work established again.
And so I didn't, I did bring up, I'm like, I'm nine years older than you.
And I do have five children. Like, would you ever,
are you serious about wanting to date a woman with children? He's like,
I wasn't before when I was younger, but I am now like, I can't,
I don't want to hold that against a woman,
especially if there's a connection there. So we went out, it was great.
We both, um, got really healthy. He lost,
he gained 40 pounds and muscle. I lost weight and blah, blah, blah.
So the connection is still there physically in chemistry. But then, um,
we talked that night afterward. So it's been a week now and we haven't talked.
So he was at his Bible study. He was like, Hey, how did your thing go?
I was like, it was great. How was your Bible study? Once again,
it was really great seeing you. I saw that he read it on Friday.
I haven't heard back.
I wanted to encourage him on something about like something he had mentioned
about ministry. Um, but I have, I haven't reached out to him,
so I don't know if it's just, okay.
How do you go know that the physical chemistry was there? Did y'all kiss?
No, we didn't. It was just, I don't know. Well, we both verbally said it too.
Um, like, well, I'll find you very attractive. Like it was just there. Um,
and talking wise, like, yeah, we both were just like,
we both said we were extremely attracted to one another and,
and the conversation was really good. So, but no touching.
We hugged a couple of times. Yes. Um, but that was about it.
Okay. And then he left and then you talked a little bit and then he.
left you on red. Yes. Okay. Um, have you noticed that this guy does this?
He deft it. I think he must've done it again. He must've done it one time other before. I'm
trying to remember because it was almost like he did it when he disappeared and he disappeared
because he found you physically attractive, but he didn't bother to tell you that he just,
he just dipped. He did. He said the day after we stopped talking, we were supposed to talk on the
after two weeks or whatever. He said he didn't talk to me. So he didn't pick up the phone that
night. The next day at around lunchtime, he was like, Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't pick up.
Um, this is really great. Great getting to know you. I've just not ready for a relationship right
now. And that's how he left it. That was, uh, almost two years ago, whatever. Yeah. So,
but, but he, when he showed back up, he said, he said, uh, sorry about how, how I did that.
I was just really physically attracted to you. Okay. All right. So here's the thing. Everyone
listen, listen up. Right. So when he said to her, I'm not ready for a relationship, he was being
honest. That is the real reason why he didn't want to talk to her was because he could tell that she
wanted a relationship. That's what she's looking for. That's not what he's looking for. At that
time in his life, he was looking for whatever he was looking for. Okay. And you guys were like,
well, he's a Christian. So he's not looking for a hookup. You don't know that. Okay. I know lots
of Christians. This is what I do for a living. Remember? Okay. So I get lots and lots of feedback.
Okay. So that happened. Then he circles back around. Cause guess what? Bro's still single.
He doesn't have a girlfriend and, or he's in between girlfriends or hookups or whatever.
Cause we don't know him yet. We don't know. We only know his behavior. You guys, please do not
assume, you know, people all, you know, is their behavior. And so you have to judge them on their
behavior. Like, well, we don't judge people. Yes, we do. We judge the tree by its fruit. Okay. Now,
listen, this guy shows back up. Now, let me ask you a question. It's the honest question, Rosanna,
if he would have, if he would have shown back up after just saying, Hey, listen, I don't want a
relationship. And then, and then gone. And then he, and if he would have showed back up and just
been like, Hey, you know, um, you know, hi, like I didn't, I didn't meet any other single women and,
you know, you're the most attractive woman that I've met in the last year. So, you know, I'd like
to, you know, maybe waste some more of your time. Would you have been like, yeah, sure. Let's hang
out. No, but what he did was, is he gave you a compliment instead of saying, I'm not ready for
a relationship. He said, Oh, well, the truth was, is that you're just so fine. You fine girl. I just
couldn't resist myself around you. I mean, give me a fricking break. All right. You are beautiful,
but that's not the truth. The truth is, is that he was looking for something much easier. He saw
when he got with you that you weren't going to be easy, that you were going to actually take
relationship investment in order to get you in the sheets. That's my opinion. Okay. And so he
is gone. All right. Now he's showing back up and now he's gone again.
He's already gone again. You got together and I know nothing happened and you guys didn't
kiss or make out or whatever, but you know, we have no idea what his motivations were,
but we do know that he has no ability whatsoever to sustain connection.
Right. Yeah. And you already said it, mama, you're nine years older than him. You got five kids.
You have no time for another kid. Bye boy. Bye. All right. No, I appreciate it. I think it was,
I really hope that you do not entertain one more message from him. Delete block. You're not his
friend. You don't want to talk to him anymore. He's already shown you what he's got available
and it ain't nothing. Okay. Thank you. I think, I think part of it was like, I was, this is the
first guy I've actually super been physically attracted to. That's your first flag, right?
Because normally it's mental that I get attracted to, but we had the mental and the physical,
but that doesn't mean that there's not other men around who aren't going to be the same way.
So thank you very much. You, you're you, we got it. We're going to shift your attractions to men
that actually have something to offer you. All right. Thank you. I appreciate it. It's going
to happen. And you guys, another thing, this is what we're doing in the book club. I know that it
seems mean, but if you guys don't get a little more savage out here, your dating lives, especially
you ladies who are just people pleasers and you don't want to confront, you don't want to hurt
anyone's feelings and you want to give everyone a chance. Okay. If you're like a manager for
Chick-fil-A, then give everyone a chance. You know, it's my pleasure to give you a job and to
let you do the nugs. You messed up the fries. You get to do the nugs. This is your fricking
lineage and legacy. You don't give people chances over and over and over and over again, especially
when you have no investment.
in these people.
These people are strangers off the street.
You barely know them.
You don't even know their middle name.
You don't know their mama's name.
You don't have to give them the benefit of the doubt.
In fact, if there's doubt,
then you need to work that to your benefit
and get moving away from them.
Your doubt should be your number one sign
that this ain't right.
You hear me?
Serious, get savage.
If you guys wanna get to the good guys,
you're gonna have to weed through a lot of the other guys.
And you're gonna, the faster you weed through them,
the faster that you let them weed themselves out,
like this guy just did.
The thing is, is she didn't show up here
because she's physically attracted.
She probably would have given him another chance.
He's gonna show up with some cockamamie story.
Oh, sorry that I ghosted you for two days.
I left you on read, but you know,
oh, my collarbone's hurting, or this happened,
or my worker's comp injury flared up,
or, you know, I had a flat tire,
or I just got so attracted to you
and I got so convicted from the Holy Spirit
that I just didn't wanna talk to you because bleh.
No!
I call BS on all that.
I know, and here's the thing.
If he was mid-ugly,
we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
The only reason she's showing up here
trying to get permission to continue to talk to him
after he's done this twice
is because she thinks he's hot.
You guys, we will dismiss so many things
over hotness, over what we think is hotness.
Gentlemen, you guys too.
She's straight up crazy.
She's straight up crazy, right?
She's got a circus and all the monkeys,
and you're still signing up for it because she's hot, right?
That's what's happening.
You guys, I was thinking about some,
not my circus, not my monkeys.
We're coming up with some new ones.
So not my bake sale, not my brownies,
number one on the list.
What was another one?
Not my, oh wait, what was it?
Not my carnival, not my, what was it?
Oh, so many funny ones.
Not my reef, not my sharks was one.
Shoot.
One was funny.
It was like not my carnies, you know, like carnival workers,
but it wasn't carnival.
Not my carnival, not my carnies.
Anyway, funny ones.
Okay, so we gotta think of some new ones for that
because not my circus, not my monkeys has just been done.
It's been done.
We need new ones.
Okay, Hunter, we have, what time?
Eight o'clock.
We have about 15 minutes.
So Hunter, just your question.
I'm holding you to it.
What's your question?
Oh, it's basically, it's about what happened.
And I was, what happened,
I was thinking about this relational question
I was gonna take to you.
What happened was at work,
I was talking to some coworkers and I said,
hey, to Tara, one of my female coworkers,
said, that's nice.
Do you know this girl, Brittany, right there?
And she's back.
I'm like, wow, this is Brittany and her fiance
I know for a while.
And she's been away for months and then went and left
and then got hired by another DSP.
And I said, and she said hi to me.
And I said, hi.
And then I started to follow and chat
when she was in a shift, I was waiting for mine.
And then we were chatting
and I was talking about catching up on things.
And then finally, and then we're catching up on things.
It was good.
And it came to me now,
it was my natural thing to talk when I go-
I love that for you.
Is there a question though?
Yeah, and then a little bit, and then we'll get to that.
And then her fiance says, hey, Hunter, you better get away
because that's my fiance.
Oh, she has a fiance, okay.
Yes, but here's the thing.
And then he comes down below him and says,
you knew that's my fiance, you need to know.
And then one of my female coworkers turns to say,
dude, he just bugged out, you didn't deserve that.
And then she goes up to the manager and told him about it.
And I was like, dude, I was just, she said hi.
And I was chatting and I decided to chat
and decided to chat and reminiscing.
I mean, it's not like I was trying to hit on her
and make her feel uncomfortable
which would have been a different story.
And then when I got to my time for me to load up my van,
my answer is, take a deep breath, Hunter.
This guy was being a, no, or just an insecure jerk.
And so we just, he just, my manager says,
you know what, just take a breather.
You did nothing wrong.
He was just being an insecure jerk.
And I'm thinking, suppose I did mean my spirit
may end up getting engaged.
How do I handle from being,
and I want to maintain a relationship
and told guys to back off.
How do I maintain the difference
from being an insecure jerk to being a guy
who's wanting to defend the relationship?
Okay, I'll answer your question, Hunter.
Your question is a good question.
And here's the answer to it.
You, if you're going to get engaged to a woman,
make sure that you get engaged to a woman.
You choose a woman.
that can handle herself and tell men to back off herself.
You don't need to tell them to back off.
The girl that you asked to marry you
that's gonna be your wife,
she should be able to tell them to back off all by herself.
Okay?
If some man is bothering her,
she thinks that he's being inappropriate
or he's flirting with her when she has a boyfriend
or a fiance, then she needs to be able to use her words
and say, hey, I have a boyfriend,
and if he doesn't stop then,
then she can report him at work
or whatever the context is.
So women can speak up for themselves.
We don't need men to speak up for us.
We can tell someone, we don't want your attention,
leave us alone, and you need to get yourself
one of those girls because you can't be with her 24 seven.
So you're not gonna be able to protect her all the time.
If someone does it in front of you,
you can say, hey, she's with me,
and hopefully they'll just leave her alone.
But otherwise she needs to be able to do it for herself.
Okay?
That's the difference is the reason I ask
is because now it was me, she introduced her,
my coworker pointed out and said,
that she instigated and said, hi,
because I known her and her fiance at the same time.
It's just, we've been away for a month.
And she said, hi, because she knows me and I knew her.
And we, and then all of a sudden I said, hey,
and I naturally come in reminiscent
of how things were since we parted.
It's not like I went up to her and hit on her
and try to make it work.
If you want validation,
nothing from your story sounds like you did anything wrong.
It sounds like this man is just insecure.
And so guess what?
You can learn from this.
When you have a fiance, don't be insecure.
Pick a woman that doesn't make you feel insecure.
All right.
Diva, am I saying that right?
I can't remember now.
Where'd she go?
Did she disappear?
Cynthia?
Hi there.
So my question is,
how important is it to be in love
with the person that you marry?
I've been in a relationship for just over two years.
I joined last year, single to get clarity.
He's a wonderful man.
We get on really well.
I've known him for more than 30 years, 35 years.
We were briefly in a relationship when we were students
and yeah, and then we reconnected.
We have loads in common.
We never run out of things to talk about.
There's lots of compatibility.
He's an amazing Christian.
I find him physically attractive, but I don't feel in love.
So we live in different countries at the moment.
So we only see each other about once a month,
but we talk every day
and exchange lots of back and forth otherwise.
But I don't miss him when I don't see him.
He really misses me.
He proposed to me six months into the relationship
and it's been waiting ever since.
And he found you, Jackie, and that's why I joined here.
Okay.
Yeah. I love that.
I love that.
I love it that he's really proactive
and yeah, a leader and everything else.
But yeah, but I've been in love many times,
but it's not like that.
When's the last time?
So I'm now 53.
In my forties, when would that have been?
2013, 14, that time.
Yeah.
And what happened to that person?
Oh, we weren't actually in a relationship.
We had this intense friendship
and I kept hoping more was going to come of it.
And yeah, eventually.
I appreciate that backstory.
Okay. So you guys, listen,
I'm going to say some things right now
that are very unromantic,
but I want you to listen up.
Okay.
So our friend here, Cynthia,
told us that she has felt the feelings of being in love.
And I can only assume that she means by that,
preoccupied with thinking about the person,
can't wait to see them again,
feeling butterflies, feeling excited, feeling anticipation.
But she's talking about a crush.
She's talking about someone she was friends with,
something that was unrequited,
something that she hoped became more than what it was,
but it didn't, right?
And so unlike her current relationship with the man
she's in relationship with now,
this relationship was more of a fantasy.
Okay.
It was a fantasy of what it could be
or what she hoped it could be.
And it was based on a lot of nervous system situations.
Situation with butterflies and excitement and different things
But the thing that she didn't have to do with the man that she was in love with in her 40s
She didn't have to
Have conflict and repair with him. She didn't have to go through seasons of time with him
She didn't have to do very unromantic things with him
she got to have this like fantasy about him and
They didn't probably work together long enough for him to ever ruin the fantasy
The only reason that he ruined the fantasy was because he didn't have it about her and they didn't end up in a relationship
So this is what we do friends. And so
Also what I want to tell you guys is that when we get older you need to know that the reason why we call it
chemistry
Is because it has to do with hormones. I
Want you to think back of your first crush when you were a kid the first person that you were excited about you probably
Wrote their name all over your notebook and you couldn't stop thinking about them and you just couldn't stop
You know wondering what it would be like to kiss them and you know
Maybe you actually did date them, you know for a little while and it was so exciting until it wasn't
But the bottom line is is that back in those days you had a lot of hormones in your body
Lots of hormones in your body, okay
and those are connection hormones all of those hormones the dopamine the serotonin the
the hormones that
Hopefully, you know
I mean if you were having sex back then when you were younger and your sex drive was really high
It was probably the best sex of your life
you know because your hormones and all of your nerve endings in your nervous system and the
Orgasms were strong because you know, everything was strong
You can't compare that time to now
Okay, we're older and for those of you that are over 50 that your past menopause gentlemen, you're in menopause
You know gentlemen have menopause too
Whether they know it or not. This is where their testosterone is low in different
emotion
hormone
Hormones that create emotions. They're less now. It doesn't mean that we can't have amazing
Relationships does it mean that we can't have great partnerships? Does it mean that we can't have passionate relationships? No
But it's not gonna feel like that
It's not gonna feel like puppy love. It's not
Okay
What you want in a partner now is someone that you love to be with
Okay that understands you that's so supportive that you genuinely enjoy you need that best friend component happening
But a best friend that you actually want to have sex with okay, you might not be dreaming about them
All right, you might not be fantasizing about what they look like naked
But you're also not disgusted by the thought of it. You also have
Enough attraction to where when you're alone and when it's appropriate
It'll be on like Donkey Kong. All right, you got to have all those things
So it sounds to me like you have a mature love for this person and
It's not a reckless kind of nervous system
igniting situation from your early 40s because you're 10 years older and
It's a different season of your life, but it sounds like this man is very patient with you
It also sounds I'd also sound Cynthia like in your younger years
I don't know how you are now, but it sounds like you might have had more of an anxious attachment
Kind of
Attachment style anxious attachers tend to be very romantic. They tend to be very
Idealistic they tend to be very fantasizing
And they usually pick avoidance. They usually pick people who are not going to choose them back
Not not officially at least not officially. They're not going to choose you back
They'll string you along because they like the attention and so they'll give you just enough
They'll breadcrumb you just enough to kind of keep you there
But and keep you kind of you know in all of them
But they're never going to actually give you it what it is that you want and that is their devotion
No, that's it, I think you should I think you should give this man a chance I have a real good feeling about you guys
You know
Have you made out with him yet?
Yeah, you mean does that mean made out does that mean actually sleep with no kiss like, you know, oh, yeah
Tension me, but yeah, but you know that so, you know that it's there, you know that you're attracted, you know
You just you're not preoccupied. You're not obsessed with him and
No, that's actually good
Okay
I know you are you so and that's another thing
Guys, if you have a predisposition to be a romantic,
then, you know, you need to understand that
even if you had the object of your romantic fantasy,
eventually, it just, it wouldn't be that great, you know?
Eventually, you would need a new romantic fantasy
because it's kind of like those dopamine hits.
And so, you know, ask him if he can be a bit more romantic.
Share with him some of the kind of ideas that you have
about what it looks like to be in partnership
and, you know, what makes you really feel loved and seen
and see if he can meet you there.
Okay.
My husband is very practical.
You guys, I made a YouTube video, no, YouTube.
What am I talking about?
I'm not even on YouTube.
I made an Instagram video today about Mr. Darcy
walking through the misty meadowlands at dawn.
He's gonna do that.
His open shirt flapping in the wind
and his brooding gaze, right?
And he gets up and he's like,
you have, you have, he can't even get it out.
You have bewitched me, body and soul.
I mean, yes, yes, that's hot.
But modern men nowadays in the year 2026,
that's literature.
In modern days, you know,
men are gonna walk in the garage, not across the meadow.
They're gonna walk in the garage and they're gonna say,
hey, babe, your tires are bald.
Let me take your car today.
I'm gonna get it fixed.
I'm gonna get your oil changed, right?
You're gonna, he's gonna get up in the middle of the night
to check out that noise, right, in the house.
These are the things.
My husband, I went outside today
and he had a 12 foot ladder against the house
and he was fricking on the roof.
And I was like, babe, what are you doing?
And he's like, I gotta find out
where this leak is coming from.
I mean, you know, the sexiest thing
that a man can say to me now at 51 years old
is don't worry about it, babe, I got it.
Oh, that's hot.
I like it, okay?
So we can have both though.
I don't want you guys to feel like
you can't have the romance.
Raise your hand if you are in the boat with Cynthia
and you just like some romance.
You want your man to make you a mixtape, okay?
You want him to bring you flowers.
You want to be able to get so excited
about the electric chemistry that you feel.
All right, so if you get with a guy
that's a little more practical,
but he's really amazing and you are attracted to him,
he's just not like the fantasy,
then ask him if he can become the fantasy.
Ask him if he can do some romantic things
and you'd be surprised at what men are capable of doing
when they love a woman.
So let's see.
All right, report back, Cynthia, we want to know.
Okay.
Okay, we're gonna do a speed round, you guys,
so I want to get the rest of the questions in.
So when you unmute, just ask your question.
I'll give a short answer and we'll move forward.
Phoebe, what do you got?
Thanks, Jackie.
I think my question is similar to Amanda's.
So I've been talking to someone for two months
and I'm trying to discern how I feel
and if I want to keep seeing him.
Okay, local or long distance?
Local, but he has a son
and he's available every other week.
So we've had three dates,
three live dates and three phone calls.
In two months?
In two months, yeah.
Oh, on three live dates and how many phone calls?
Three.
Okay, so how come you haven't had
more FaceTimes or phone calls?
Because of work, really, his work
and then the weeks, we do have phone calls
when the weeks he has his son,
but then my schedule is a bit challenging too.
So yeah, scheduling and then he had an emergency.
So there was one week where he had to cancel
three attempted dates.
He canceled three different dates?
Well, I was like, there was an emergency
and then he runs his own business
and it carried over longer than anticipated.
So we kept like rescheduling and then yeah.
Okay, and so on a scale of one to 10,
how motivated or how ready do you think this man
is to be in relationship with anyone, but mostly you?
Right, he says he's ready.
He's been very consistent in communication
and even when things have gone wrong,
he tells me ahead of time.
So there's been lots of follow through there.
His son is five and the business is a lot.
So I have wondered, but I see him making an effort.
And he has shared parenting?
Yes.
Okay.
You guys, I just want to let you know, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but this is what
the book club is covering.
This is what the book, if you haven't read it, covers.
And so if you want to dig in, you want five weeks of coaching with me, breakout sessions,
all different types of things, you're going to want to go to the website and sign up.
It's next Monday that it starts and we're closing registration this weekend.
So get your butt in there and do it.
Okay.
So why are you having doubts of continuing?
You tell me what your doubts are.
I mean, I see that, you know, there's, there's doubts about whether or not he has the bandwidth.
He's a single dad.
He has a business he's had to cancel.
You've only had three dates in two months.
It's like, is this what this is going to look like?
You know, I need more certainty.
I need more attention.
How old are you?
38.
Have you been married before?
No.
No kids?
No kids.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
So tell me what your biggest, your biggest, um, reason for maybe not continuing right
now is.
She's really keen and I'm uncertain.
Uncertain because you're not attracted to him or because he's just, he's just not, uh,
consistent enough.
No, I think I'm, I'm curious about him.
Like, I would like to, to learn more, but I, I don't feel, and it's often harder for
me to connect with how much, like, I don't often like people, um, so, but he really likes
me.
Like he's been very respectful of all my boundaries and everything, like, but he's yeah.
Like we talked on the phone last night and he's like, yeah, the goal is to walk you down
the aisle.
Um, but we're going to like what we're going to take the proper time.
He's like, things don't have to move faster than they are already.
And when he said that to you, how did you respond?
Cause you seem a little bit of void and attacher.
Yeah.
I'm like kind of void and disorganized, but, um, I think I said, thank you so or, um, I
don't know.
I'm enjoying getting to know you as well.
I mean, my goal is to walk you down the aisle and thank you.
I'm enjoying getting to know you as well.
Those are a match.
Okay.
So it seems like even though he hasn't put in the reps, he's only gone on three dates
and three phone calls in two months.
He's already talking about walking down the aisle.
It seems like he might be, uh, he might be going a little quick, especially for his bandwidth.
Um, that's pretty quick.
You've only had three.
You've only seen this man in person, seen him in person three times and had three phone
calls.
And he's talking about the goal is to walk you down the aisle.
That's a flag for me.
That's a flag.
That's a flag for me, not necessarily red, but headed in the red direction.
So what you have to, what you have to make a decision on right now, if there's no other
flags now, here's the, here's the teaching point for all of you.
We saw a flag.
You see a flag right here, but she also said that he communicates.
He lets her know in advance if there's going to be some kind of conflict, he is consistent
in that.
Um, even though he does have a busy life, he's a single dad, he owns his own business.
He still has made time three dates, three phone calls.
It's something right.
And it's a lot more than a lot of people get.
So he is motivated, right?
She has more of a, she's leaning a little bit avoidant where she just said she admitted
to us.
I don't really like people.
I don't let myself like people.
It's not that she doesn't like people.
She doesn't let herself get to the place of vulnerability where someone could have control
over her because she has feelings for them.
That is what she's saying to us when she says that.
And for all of you ladies, they're like, I never feel spark with anyone.
I never feel that interested or that invested.
It's because when you have in the past in your life or other people that you watch your
mother, your grandmother, any woman in your life, when you've seen them fall in love,
when you've seen them become crazy about someone or become excited about someone, you've also
seen them lose control of their life to another person.
You've seen that person now have control over them.
And if it's a bad person, that's a bad thing.
It's easy to be manipulated when you think you're in love with someone, when you think
you can't live without someone, right?
And you feel so attracted to someone.
And so she's holding off on that, but she's still showing up.
So what I'd like for you to do, Phoebe, is I don't feel like we can call this one yet.
I think you're going to have to show up a little bit more.
I would not date him exclusively.
He has not earned.
that and so if there's someone else that comes along wants to take you out go
ahead and go out with them but I think that we need to see we need to see a
little bit more you need to be with him in person a little bit more find out a
little like you even said I am kind of interested in finding out more so let's
go on that it's a yes until it's a no and I don't think it's a no yet okay
hey watch the love bombing though watch the love bombing that's borderline love
bombing with walking me down the aisle okay yeah yes oh wait there's more love
bombing well just yeah like second date he brought a bouquet of red roses like
what's kind of sweet but like a lot for he might just be old-fashioned he is
he's part Italian like he's a romantic he is he definitely is yeah yeah all
right keep us posted okay all right Natasha what do you got you guys I want
to get through so Natasha Joe Joanne Sandy Nicole don't forget go to the book
club go to the page Jackie Dorman comm sign up we are gonna cap that room I
don't know how many people have signed up yet so get in there I want you guys
to have first dibs before the public gets in there and I know that they just
finished a webinar me teaching but I'm here but it's a recording so I don't
know how many people signed up from that okay Natasha go ahead and ask you a
question hi Jackie this could actually possibly go to the book club as well
because it's about that relationship Advisory Committee type of questions
okay yeah hey could I ask it here ask it there you can ask it both places you
guys what she's referring to is one of the things we're putting together is
our our personal little matchmaking circle okay of advisors in our lives of
people that have different communities than us that we trust to speak into our
love lives so what's your question about your your advisory purse circle what
happened because I've only lived where I currently live for just a year
uh-huh so obviously in terms of dating was I haven't really been doing dating
in the year that I've been here or even not much even living in New Zealand so
it's not like a lot of them would know what my dating history looks like but I
actually you know one thing that came to mind just right now is that actually
probably even the people I have dated in the past have been quite private and not
really in my community as well so I don't even know my close friends could
actually speak to the guys I've probably dated because it was kind of like see
that's what I warn against in my book we got a date in the light you gotta let
people in on who you're dating but I just want to encourage you that you
don't have to your advisors do not have to be local to you in fact it's better
if they're not you know so it could even be people from the book club that you
meet okay that are people here from this community yeah because one thing I'm
having a challenge is kind of like knowing what people's that what the
heart is like even those whether they're married or single kind of like
knowing have they done their hard work have they done that for my healing
because that's I'm quite sensitive to that in terms of think I need people who
are healed and whole and that's quite significant you need people you need
people who are working on it for sure yeah yeah yeah but anyways I was talking
to a friend of mine and she's in my church group my lady's church group and
she was talking about and it was quite because like ooh and I was like
wondering whether to have her in my advisory committee but she spoke about
having had a dream about and God showed her who her husband is and how she's
going to meet him so she's not even dating right now even though people are
kind of like I know someone who you could date she's like no because I know
what he looks like and and and as I said oh and that caught me off guard a bit
and then she said but she said and a friend of mine has confirmed that the
dream for me so I was just like well I wouldn't put any of those don't put any
of those people on your advisory committee because they're there they're
gonna see very quickly that that probably wasn't the Lord and so so you
don't want them saying that they know who you're gonna marry because then it
gets to be a big mess okay yeah all right okay I'll see you over there I'll
see you over there okay all right cool thank you all right who's next you guys
we have to go fast Sandy what do you got
is Joey and next no that was shit who was who was I just talking to okay got
it Sandy you're next
Sandy Nicole and yes Sandy and Nicole and Gwen oh Sandy's gone Nicole you're
up hey
Can you hear me? I can hear you. Okay, awesome. My question is more general, just for my life.
I've gone through a lot of things. I've had a lot of grief, lost my parents. I'm so sorry.
That happened a couple of years ago, but I'm kind of coming to a place now. It's a whole
long story, so I don't want to go into all of it, but I'm coming to a place where I need
to be moving. And so here in a couple of weeks, actually a couple of weeks from today, I'm
going to move to a different city in a different state. I'm in small town Alabama, and I'm
moving to a small town in Tennessee, but I just want general guidelines or mindset as
I go somewhere new, because I really don't know a lot of people here. I have acquaintances
there, but not deep friendships. And so just kind of general guidelines for what do I need
to do as I try to start a new life and want to look into dating and that kind of thing.
Well, first of all, I would be super excited if I were you. What an adventure that you're
about to be on. And one thing that I know with having a mother in heaven is that for
some reason, when our parents have stepped through the veil completely, they start, in
my opinion, helping in our love lives. So they start helping in our lives. They're part
of that great cloud of witnesses of intercession for us. And things just start happening. I
can't explain it, but I've seen it happen in so many people's lives. And I just really
believe that there's a whole, you know, ancestry part of that great cloud of witnesses that
is in play. And so I really want to encourage you that, you know, God says the solitary
and family, you know, we read that in the, in the book of Psalms and, you know, that
as you're moving, I would let affirmations be about that. So as you're moving, like God,
I'm on an adventure with you. You're ordering my steps. I'm with all my heart and I'm not
leaving my understanding and I'm acknowledging you in my ways. And you're, you're ordering
my steps. You are putting me in family. You're taking me, I've been solitary. I've lost my
earthly family. You're taking me, you're putting me in family. I'm expecting to meet lifelongs
during this move. I'm expecting to meet my spirit mate. I just start really getting into
alignment with what God's doing in your life and get really excited about it and then expect
divine connections to start happening. Friends, community, spirit mate, all of it.
All right. Thank you.
What city are you moving to?
It's a small town called Livingston, Tennessee. It's like in between Nashville and Knoxville.
Okay. Does anyone know of Livingston? Put in the chat if you know anyone in Livingston that
you can introduce our sister Nicole to. She can already have friends before she even gets there.
She has acquaintances, but she needs more community. If you live near there, maybe live
the town over. I go to Nashville a lot. We do have people in Knoxville and Nashville in this
community and maybe some people in other places. Okay. Go ahead and put where you are in the chat.
See if you can find someone near you right now because we're going to be doing a lot of
community-based matchmaking this summer in this community, lots of it. Starting next month,
we're going to be having sessions on it. Those of you that are in the book club,
we're going to get a double dose of it and probably get a little more of this and that
because we'll really dig into some advisory stuff there. All right. I think that I got
everybody, didn't I? Joanne, did I get you? Hi. No, not yet.
All right. Go ahead.
So my question is when do I bring up again marriage and baby? So in the beginning of
our relationship, I had expressed to him that I wanted to be married and I wanted to have a baby.
We've been exclusive for over a year, maybe a little bit more, but currently he is going through
a cancer treatment. That's something that just came up in this past May.
So obviously he has a lot going on. So that's my question. When is a good time to talk about
these things? Because I don't want to feel selfish. I mean, if you're talking about these
things to decide whether or not you're a match going forward and whether or not you guys can
meet each other on this level and be each other's partners, then I don't think it's selfish.
I think that clarity is kindness. It is. Clarity is kindness in relationships.
We meet people for reasons and seasons and if they're not going to be your spirit mate,
just because they're the opposite sex doesn't mean that they're going to be your spirit mate.
You may be playing a different role in their life. But I think that it's okay to get clarity,
especially if someone's going through a season of their life where things are up in the air and
they just don't even know. They're going through a health crisis or they're going through
a work crisis or this or that,
just because they're doing that
doesn't mean that you have to stick around or stay.
If they're your person, you guys are on the same page
and you've made some decisions about journeying together
and the life that you want, then great.
But if that's not what they want
and that's not something that they want at all,
regardless of the crisis that they're going through,
then you know that they're not your person for marriage.
So no, I don't think it's selfish.
I don't think it's selfish to get clarity
about where someone is as far as like,
what do they want for their future?
I will tell you that people
that are going through a health crisis,
we had a gentleman in this community.
He came into this community
right after being diagnosed with cancer.
And at one point at the beginning, it didn't look good.
There was some bad prognosis
and different things that were happening.
And we prayed him through in this community.
We surrounded him, we loved him.
He wasn't necessarily here looking for a wife.
He was just here looking for spiritual empowerment.
And he got cured, he got healed,
got healed and he got into remission and all the things.
And then he married one of the women here.
And so that kind of stuff,
we've had a lot of people come here,
not in the greatest season of their life
or go through a hard season while they're here
and still on the other side of it.
I guess what I'm saying is sometimes people
don't wanna make decisions like that
if they don't even know if they're gonna be around, right?
Because they're feeling kind of discouraged.
So be careful of that.
Be careful if they're feeling really discouraged.
But then again, making plans for the future
is something to live for.
And it's really good to do that
when you're going through a hard time.
Any kind of hard time.
Friends, if you're going through
any kind of hard time right now,
instead of just buckling down and hunkering down
and white knuckling it,
I want you to start making plans for the future.
I want you to start visualizing yourself a year from now,
six months from now, a year from now, five years from now.
I want you to, one of the things that I did,
and this isn't just about physical illness.
You could be going through a really hard financial time.
This, you could be going through just a hard place.
One of the things that I did when I was with my mom
and she was going through a hard place
is I bought tickets for us to go to a conference
that was nine months in the future.
It wasn't far in the future,
but it was far enough to give some prophetic unction
of, hey, nine months from now,
things are gonna be different.
They're gonna be different enough
that you're gonna be able to go to a conference with me
and we're gonna be able to have a good time.
And guess what we did.
And so I really wanna encourage you to plan for the future
and even invest in the future, in your future.
Okay, all of you.
All right, you guys, I've had a good time with you.
I don't wanna keep you any longer.
Sign up for the book club.
Go to JackieDorman.com, book,
scroll down to book club, June 22nd.
We will be doing a lot of community-based matchmaking
and stuff here.
If it's financially out of the question for you,
you don't have $97, you can't do it.
It is worth every cent of that, I will say that.
But if you can't, then please don't have FOMO
because you are in the last year single community
and we are going to make sure
that we're doing a lot of work this summer
with community-based matchmaking.
All right, hope to see you in the book club.
Otherwise, I will see you Supernatural Saturday.
I have a great message for this Saturday.
God's been talking to my heart about it already.
Be there, be square, right?
Bye.