All right. Well, welcome, ladies. We're so happy to have you. It is June 23rd. This is
the 1 o'clock Eastern Love Story Accelerator Phase 2 check-in call. I'm Carla Johnson.
I'm one of your coaches here at Last Year Single along with Ebony. I heard last week
you had an incredible session with Ebony. Ebony and I, we spent some time catching up
a few days ago. I think we were on the phone for like three hours. And so I was really
excited to hear what she was able to come and bless you all with last Tuesday. Such
a good teaching. We were able to unpack so much together. And then we're in the works
of putting together some more teachings for the future here. I've got the Modern Dating
Sucks book that Jackie has put out. So I am about to dive into that and hopefully
we can pull some good content from there and kind of dive a little deeper. Now, she is
doing another book club. So if you were not able to join the first one that just ended,
that second one starts, I believe, today. So no. Was it yesterday? That's what I thought.
I've got my days all mixed up. Last week was a handful. We had our last baseball tournament
for my son and it was insane. It was a week long. But he's now in Michigan with his dad
while I'm here in Texas. So I'm just trying to get grounded again. I had to kind of take
a sabbatical for a few days. So I'm getting back into the swing of things. So yes, that
was yesterday. But if you want to join that book club, definitely check out the resource
tab because that information will be there. A couple more things here for housekeeping.
Do I have anybody brand new? I don't think I see anybody. Oh, Jennifer. Hi, Jennifer.
You know, I recognize you because I think it was when I was helping out in phase one.
That's what it is. I'm like, oh, I remember her. I just haven't seen her in a while. It's
because you were in phase one. And then I was when I was jumping in. So welcome to phase two.
I'm so happy to have you here. So glad to have you here. So yeah, just a couple things on these
live calls we do. It's just a check in. So myself and Ebony, we typically try to spend some time
just doing some coaching from whatever we're seeing kind of show up in the chat in the app.
We kind of dive into what what we're we're recognizing. Many ladies are asking.
We do focus a little bit more on dating, but that doesn't mean you have to be dating in this
phase. OK, especially when you first join. If you were like me, I was really hesitant to jump
into dating right off right off the bat. But it's it's just a great way to absorb information
of, you know, now that you've got the heartwork, OK, you've gotten some healing under your belt.
And now how are you going to approach dating differently? Because it will look different.
And then what you've healed in phase one, there will be more healing that will take place in
phase two and beyond. OK, so heartwork just doesn't stop just because we're out of phase one.
It continues in the dating process. It'll continue in your relationships. It will. I mean,
not just relationships in dating. It will it will. You know, we'll have heartwork in
relationships of our family or co-workers or our kids. All of that stuff will surface. And so
when you start dating, you're going to start seeing some things come to surface
that weren't able to come to surface in phase one because you weren't practicing dating. And so
that's why we have this community here. It's why we kind of put you here before having you
go into phase three, which is a much bigger community where people are at all levels of
dating. This can phase to get your feet wet. OK, kind of gives you a little springboard,
if you will, before, you know, just to kind of get get doing things differently, using those muscles
differently or using muscles that maybe you haven't used before. And so that's what our
phase two is mostly about. We do ask that you stay here at least a minimum of five weeks.
I always encourage a little longer. You know, I say, you know, eight to 10 weeks is probably good
if you are intentionally engaging in the content, showing up to the lives,
showing up on the app, communicating with us what's going on. I have a lot of
ladies that they wait to date and so they'll stay here and even a little bit
longer and they'll learn and glean from other women and then they will start
dating and then they'll spend a month to two months dating and then decide to go
to phase three. So we just ask at least five weeks the videos all that all that
jazz okay if you ladies are interested in more detailed coaching okay we do
have in the resource tab we do have one-on-one coaching available okay that
is an additional charge it's not included with your membership it's a 50
minute session with any one of our coaches that you choose okay all of our
our schedules are up there I know Cynthia I just saw in the app you had a
question about today I don't know what my schedule looks like for today but
ladies when you go in there I do know that our schedules get blocked off
because they they have it in that system to where we need so many hours in
advance so if you're trying to book a call in the next two or three hours our
schedule I mean even if we had the availability it won't show up in that
because they we just just because if we don't think we have something on the
schedule and we don't catch our email or catch the notification that someone's
booked a call with us plus you'll fill out an intake form that will make the
best out of our 50 minutes and so the more detail that you add in that intake
form the better because we can really get to some detail in those 50 minutes
otherwise that 50 minutes can be used for kind of just getting all the
background stuff and so that's where you can just type your novels in okay I
know ladies will send me something they're like I'm so sorry I sent so much
and I'm like oh this is nothing like the more the better and then us coaches I
know speaking for myself I will go and look at those intake forms and I spend a
decent amount of time in prayer looking those over and really and then even if
you pull if you put things in app I'm gonna pull stuff from that and kind of
just spend time in prayer over what it is that you're seeking as far as coaching
because I want you to get the best out of your 50 minutes okay so that is
available I do want to share it is not mandatory one-on-one coaching is not
mandatory to get breakthrough okay it is there as a resource okay some women find
that it is very very helpful other women are like I just I can't do that but
here's the thing if that's not for you but you can intentionally come into this
community show up to these live calls show up in the app ask your questions
you know process through there you will get breakthrough I promise you okay so
don't think that oh only the women that are doing one-on-one coaching are
getting breakthrough because that's not the case okay can it help absolutely I
think I covered everything the book club our resource tab the coaching I briefed
us on some of the insight for our new new people here that might be watching
and replay as well so let's go ahead and I'm gonna go ahead and pray us in and
then we will get started I'm gonna talk well let's just I'm gonna go ahead and
pray okay oh thank you Heavenly Father thank you for bringing each and every
one of these women here with us today Lord I thank you for the work that
you're doing in each and every one of their hearts and my heart included Lord
I just ask that you know you continue to search our hearts especially in those
places where we might feel uncertain where there might be stretching or
anything that's unfinished Lord I know that you want us healed more than you
want us married and so your desire is for complete redemption in our healing
and that is part of our love story Lord and I just thank you for that Lord I
ask that you just your spirit be present in this conversation today Lord I ask
that we just slow down enough to be able to hear your voice especially above any
fear or anxiety over any overthinking any of our past experiences because
Lord you know the past experiences that each and every one of us have
experienced so Lord I just ask that we be able to silence those past
experiences and press into your voice so that we don't have to have this
pressure to figure everything out that you are partnering with us
You're giving us the eyes to see clearly and our hearts to remain open to what it is that you want to speak to our hearts, Lord, in your wisdom.
Lord, today, as we talk about green flags and yellow flags and the red flags that show up in dating,
help us to discern what is truly there rather than reacting out of fear or fantasy.
Where we've been quick to dismiss something that might be healthy, I ask that you help us bring clarity to that.
If we've ignored something, Lord, I ask that you bring us wisdom.
And if there's somewhere where we need more information, Lord, give us the patience to trust the process
and allow the time to reveal what needs to be revealed and that you'll show us what needs to be seen when we need to see it.
We don't have to operate out of fear.
Lord, help us to remember that discernment is not having all the answers right away,
but it's about staying connected to you, pressing into you, paying attention to what it is that you are speaking to us,
trusting that you are faithful, that you will guide us in each step that we take.
And any forward motion that we take is good motion and that you are quick to recalculate our steps if we're out of alignment, Lord.
Lord, I ask that you just teach us to be observers, observe patterns and to be curious and to surrender what needs our control and trust that you are in control.
Lord, again, I just thank you for this community.
I thank you for all the women that are here, that show up, that are engaged, that ask questions, that allow you to do such a deep work in their hearts.
It's their deep work that they're doing in their hearts that's also bringing breakthrough to others, Lord.
And I just thank you for that.
I thank you for their vulnerability.
And I thank you for this being a safe place for them to feel safe, to be vulnerable.
That this is a place that healing and growth and wisdom and encouragement and breakthrough can truly flourish.
Just continue to be with us.
Remind us that our goal is not just to simply figure people out and figure out is he my husband or not, but that we're stepping in alignment of who you've created us to be.
That we're not just wives, Lord, that we're not just brides, but we're women who trust you deeply.
Continue to direct our path in that.
Continue to help us surrender our hearts, our dating journeys, our desires, and anything in our future.
And put that in your hands, Lord Jesus.
It's in your name we pray.
Amen.
All right.
I've got lots going on in the chat.
I'm going to catch up on that here in just a minute.
Okay, so today I wanted to go over flags because I know this is definitely a question that comes up is, well, what's a red flag?
What's a green flag?
What's a yellow flag?
And so I know that there can be sometimes some confusion on that.
And I also recognize that it's really easy to get confused.
And so, ladies, I want you to think about like a stoplight right now.
Okay, we all drive.
We all, you know, been in a car before.
Like, we all know green means what?
Go, right?
And a red light means what?
Stop.
Now, depending on what part of the country you're in, yellow might mean speed up or slow down.
Sorry, Dana, I didn't mean.
Here in Texas, it means put the gas on.
And even when it's slightly red, it's like, hey, it's only a few seconds red.
You still have a clear shot.
But yellow should mean, hey, slow down, okay?
But I want you to think about it for a second.
What if we didn't know what those meant?
What if, you know, green meant stop?
What if yellow meant stop?
What if red meant, okay, maybe we can go?
We get really confused.
Like, it'd be chaos.
And I know in some areas.
areas like I said Texas being one of them like a stoplight and an intersection can look
like dating like we have no idea what color it is and what we're supposed to be doing
let alone what are these people over here doing okay and so I just want to ground us
a little bit in this recognizing flax so that we can date a little more with ease okay
and so what I recognize in this community and just in my own dating journey and then
even in this coaching journey you know walking and partnering with you ladies in this process
is a lot of times what happens is we take yellow flags and we're overreacting to yellow flags
we're making yellow flags red flags when they're just yellow flags
or we're coming across some red flags and we're overlooking them all together
or we see green flags and we've never seen a green flag and so it freaks us out so
to us it means stop this is unfamiliar so we're not really sure how to engage in these
kinds of flags and so I think today will be really good as we kind of
just kind of dig a little deeper here with the flags okay so
what happens is a lot of times women will see a yellow flag and it feels really scary
so they're going to stop they're going to make that yellow flag red or like I said that green
flag it feels unfamiliar so it's like it's going to get overlooked we're going to sit here and try
to be still scoping out the red flags but we're not seeing any of the green flags because we don't
we've never seen them before they're unfamiliar so kind of gets overlooked
so kind of gets overlooked or those red flags this is a big one that I see red flags will feel
really exciting and familiar especially those past experiences it's something that we're used to
and so what happens is we kind of explain those away
we kind of want to see what we want to see we feel familiar with what the red flag is showing us but
it feels safe because we it's familiar and so we're going to explain it and not really call
it out as a red flag and that's why I always encourage you ladies the best advice I can
give in this community is bring all the dating details to us here in this community
write the books write the novels let us know what's happening
in these dating scenarios and I know that can get scary
okay because it requires a little bit of vulnerability but like I was sharing earlier
like this is a safe place okay we've been at this now it's been almost what it'll be six years
six years in October okay and I've been here since the beginning y'all the vulnerability
and the sharing is where the breakthrough happens it really is so I want let's start here
not every concern is going to be a red flag okay so write that down every concern is not
going to be a red flag you'll hear Jackie say this all the time we all have yellow flags
there's no healthy person out there that doesn't have a yellow flag
we all have growth somewhere
okay so some examples of some yellow flags that we might see in dating especially with men
some early suggestions sorry I got sidetracked from the chat there
if a man communicates differently than you some of us might see that as a red flag when really it's
just hey that might be a concern but it's not necessarily a red flag the guy shows up on a
date and he's really nervous we might be like you know he does he's nervous he doesn't ask me
questions on a date and we might like I don't I want someone who's going to be you know able to
have conversation with me well yeah like we all do like that may not happen in the beginning that
it's not that it doesn't need to be looked at it just doesn't need to be looked at
it just doesn't need to be looked at it just doesn't need to be looked at
just may not be a red flag to put the stop,
like it's not the stop sign.
It's just a, okay, like I need to observe a little more.
I need to see what's happening here.
Yes, it is okay to get nervous on a FaceTime conversation,
100%, and yes, especially, I don't know,
like it has taken me many, many years
to get comfortable being on camera, okay?
When I first joined this community, we had to go,
like it wasn't, we didn't have an app.
We had, you know, a Facebook community group,
and we would be prompted to go and do live calls,
like not live calls, live videos,
like literally click live and just talk live.
Like I couldn't go and edit what I said,
like, and people could join when I was like talking live,
and that got, I had to get comfortable with that,
like seeing my face on the camera,
like I was like, oh, this is really nerve-wracking,
and so it's normal to get nervous.
You know, it's taken me many, many years to now,
like, I mean, I would even have to be like,
I can't show my face if my makeup's not on,
and like now today, you get me like,
literally, I comb my hair,
but I didn't put any makeup on today
because I'm just hanging with my girls, all right?
But before, like I'd be really self-conscious about that.
Okay, now, if you ladies are doing a video date with a guy,
I'm gonna suggest that you not come not ready, okay?
It doesn't mean you have to be glammed up, okay,
but you want to be presentable, okay?
But yeah, it's totally okay to be nervous, 100%.
And, you know, if you have like,
you get nervous and you're like,
you don't know what to say,
I would even encourage you to give yourself some Post-its
by your, wherever you're doing your call,
or some notes where you have like questions ready to go.
I love like, would you rather questions for dates,
for getting to know people.
And you can go and Google just, you know,
getting to know you questions.
You know, those, what do we call them?
Surface level, like we're not deep diving.
We're not having deep dive conversations with these guys.
We're just surface level, fun, easy breezy,
get to know you, okay?
And if you're Googling any of it, just be cautious,
because not everything's going to be from a Christian lens.
You know what I mean?
I've had some of those things pop up.
Believe it or not, we had a community call years ago,
and we had the men and the women,
and we did like an icebreaker.
And someone that was leading the call
pulled real quick some like icebreaker questions.
And one of them was like really inappropriate.
And it was like, we didn't, we didn't scan that.
Like we didn't really like filter that one.
And so it kind of, it created a little bit of a laugh.
You know, there were some people
that were a little like upset about it,
but most people in the community were understanding of it.
But yeah, you definitely want to filter,
okay, whatever you're looking up online,
especially for first date questions.
Okay, I'm getting off a tangent here,
so I don't want to, I want to get back on track here.
So the main thing here is just remember,
like everyone has a growth area.
Difference isn't danger.
It doesn't mean, just because you see something different
doesn't mean it's dangerous.
Because a weakness doesn't automatically mean
that it makes someone wrong.
We all have weaknesses.
What we need to be looking for is how does the person
respond more than the issue itself?
Because you'll see some things that will get revealed
and you'll want to zero focus on that thing.
I don't want you ladies focusing on that thing.
I want you to watch and observe how do they respond.
A question you can be asking
when you are in these beginning stages
and you're just like trying to discern,
give an example of what?
Responding to how they respond.
Okay.
Versus like, what are they responding to?
Yes.
Okay. Yes. Okay. Um, okay. So let me think here. Um, so let's say, let's go to the one
where like, they might be nervous. Okay. Shows up on a first date. Really, really nervous
shows up on a second date, still a little nervous. You can have the conversation and
be like, Hey, I noticed that, you know, you seem a little nervous. I'm really nervous
too. You know, and, and see if that kind of lightens things up, you know, you're just
observing and just being like, Hey, um, I noticed that, you know, you don't ask a lot
of questions. Um, is there a reason for that? It's about getting curious, asking curiosity,
okay. And seeing how do they respond, um, in a sense of, um, and I think we'll go at
this, this will be in the next section that I kind of cover. So let's, I'm going to, I'm
going to finish this, this little section up. And then I want to move into that one.
Cause I think that will help answer your question. Okay. Um, but I want to get to these coach,
these reflective questions that I want you ladies to be thinking about when you start
recognizing things and you're like, Oh, this is something that could be a flag, whether
it's green, yellow, red, I want you to ask yourself, am I seeing danger or am I seeing
difference? Am I seeing danger or am I seeing different? They could be responding differently
than how I would respond. They could be responding differently than what I've seen. Is it dangerous
or is it just, I'm not used to this or this is not how I would respond. That's all you
need to be asking yourself at that point. Okay. Again, this doesn't mean you gloss over
anything that you feel is a concern. We just don't want you reacting and responding immediately
out of that. We want you to slow it down and really spend some time processing. Okay, hold
on. Is this danger or is this something different? What information do I need or do I need any
information at all? Cause ladies, you will come across some red flags, you will. And there's
ladies that will come across red flags and they will excuse them away. And when that happens,
I have had to pull some major band-aids off and like, no, this is a red flag and this is not safe.
We're concerned with your safety. I literally had a conversation, this is probably like a year or
two ago. We had to basically tell someone like, you need to get a restraining order on this man.
And she just kept wanting to go back. And I was like, no, we can't advise you to keep going back
because this is some abusive behavior that we're seeing. I mean, that was, that's a hard,
that's a hard conversation to have. It's a hard conversation to receive. But I say that because
ladies, if there's a red flag, we're going to let you know. But we can't let you know if you're not
disclosing all the details with us. Okay. So those are the questions you need to be asking for that.
So let's go, let's jump into this yellow flag. I want to kind of dig in deeper that way. Yellow
flags are just, is invitations for observation. Again, yellow just means slow down. Okay. Not
like you're in Texas, don't speed up. Okay. If you're an anxious attacher, don't speed up. Don't
speed up with those yellow flags. I got to get through this. I got to make this man my husband.
No, we going to slow it down. Okay. And we just want to pay attention. This is where we're going
to start looking around and we're just going to sit with it and we're going to gather the
information. These yellow flags, believe it or not, they can turn green. If the man is aware,
teachable, and willing to grow. That's what we're looking for. So Sarah, I don't know if
that helps you. Like those are the responses that we're looking for. Is when we slow down,
are we seeing mature, masculine, like are we seeing the accountability? Are we seeing the
ownership? Are we seeing the teachable heart? Like that, that's what we're looking for. Because
we're looking at how does it, how does someone.
respond is what's going to matter most.
How they respond, especially because here's the thing,
I don't know about you all, but.
I've like.
Shown some red flag behavior before, too, where I've just flew off
the deep end and snapped.
And I'm like, oh, my gosh, that is like not good.
Now, if I ignored that.
People that are in a relationship with me.
That wouldn't be healthy.
If they're if I'm ignoring it and they're not bringing it to my attention
or they do recognize that I'm having some really red flag responses
and not willing to own my side of the street,
then I'm not invested in that relationship.
And they're going to want to be like
they're going to need to assess that maybe this relationship
isn't working for me.
Or maybe I need to put up some boundaries in this relationship.
Maybe I don't need to be as close to this person.
I mean, because there's some people that we can't get away
like, especially working relationships.
There's some people like they're just unhealthy people.
And we had to put up some serious boundaries and we can't avoid them.
We can't like just stop Hank, like stop working with them
because our boss won't let us,
you know, and so we have to just discern, OK,
these are unhealthy patterns in them.
I don't have to pick it up.
I can create some boundaries.
I just am not going to allow myself to cross certain lines.
I'm going to like I'm going to keep myself safe
and God is going to help me discern what I need to do.
OK, I don't have to get a fearful reaction.
So. That is going to like.
If a man is going to.
React in like a resistance
or a defensive or refusing to grow, there's going to be aggression there.
If you see that pattern.
That's a red flag.
So Jackie's going to teach and you're going to hear this a lot.
Throughout as you remain in this program,
yellow flags will often become green
when someone's aware, teachable and willing to grow.
And I think I said that a little bit earlier.
They become red when there's resistance, defensiveness and refusal to grow.
And y'all, some people are going to be like, oh, yeah, I'm really sorry.
And then they go back to doing the same thing again.
And that's what that's another thing.
We're looking at patterns.
OK, you might want to give a pass
depending on the the dynamic of what you're dealing with.
And just be like, OK, maybe that's a one off.
But if you start seeing a pattern of consistency
where they are responding with defensiveness, they're not open to growing.
They're they're, you know, maybe having some manipulative behavior.
Maybe they're they're gaslighting you and trying to make it look like it was on you.
Like, pay attention to those things.
Those are red flags.
If you bring up an issue and then they start kind of putting it back on you.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, but you know, but when you did this and did it
and then oh, if you wouldn't do well, hold on.
Doesn't mean that there's not ownership on your part.
But. Are they constantly
pointing out your stuff and ignoring theirs?
That's a pattern.
And, yeah, we we hope to see those red flags sooner rather than later, 100 percent.
But again, when we've
are looking through the lenses that we have experienced.
If we're looking through fear, fantasy or our past experiences,
we might not always see those flags clearly ourselves.
Y'all, my son's biological father had a lot of red flags.
I overlooked them all because I was selfishly just wanting to be in relationship.
And I know many of you ladies can relate to that.
OK, I see it. And I've been there.
We want to be married.
We want to have companionship.
We're tired of looking, you know,
we're getting older, like you just get to a point where you're like,
you're just I just want somebody and you look at the good qualities
and you're just like, I'm just going to focus on the good qualities.
that we ignore all of the all of the bad qualities, the unhealthy ones.
OK, and again, it doesn't mean that you're going to have a perfect man
that you're going to marry.
Ladies, I want you to get that out of your head right now.
There is no such thing as perfect man.
You're going to get into marriage and you're going to think,
oh, I've arrived, and then reality is going to hit.
And then you're going to be like, what did I do?
And that's just part of the growing process.
OK, that's why learning this stuff now
as a single is going to prepare you for marriage.
Because you're going to get yellow flags on dating, because guess what?
There's going to be flags and you're going to have things to work out
with your husband, and guess what?
You're going to show flags to your husband.
You got flags, too.
I got a list of flags.
So it's just being able to to recognize those things.
And so I want you to be asking yourself,
what matters most?
Is it the issue or is it how someone responds to the issue?
That's what we're looking at.
Is the issue matter more?
Or how they respond?
That matters.
Remember, yellow flags are not verdicts.
They're just an invitation to watch and observe.
So now let's jump into red flags.
Red flags, like I mentioned earlier, those are going to be patterns.
OK, you're going to see it consistently over time, and again,
this is why when you ladies are like, oh, I went on one date
and it was, you know.
He had all these red flags.
OK, some of them, yes.
Like these guys that are talking about sex and, you know, getting touchy
feel it, yeah, like we're not doing that.
But some of these men that show up
and might act a certain way that you might be unfamiliar with.
Maybe they're nervous or, you know, who knows?
Maybe they didn't pay for your pay for your marriage or maybe they did.
I mean, I've had ladies that were like offended that a guy
like wanted to take them to like a nice place or take them somewhere
that the woman didn't say that she wanted to go.
I'm like, man, there's women out there that are like
they just want the man to plan the date and hear a man plan the date.
And it wasn't what the woman wanted.
Like that happens.
OK, we all have our own little stuff, OK?
And I'm not I'm not dogging that because, look, we all like
we all have something.
But I want I'm sharing that to say.
We're sometimes quick to sit here and see one behavior on a date
or in a phone call and immediately say it's a red flag.
And we don't even know if it's a pattern or not.
So the patterns are going to be
what you're really looking for, not just that moment.
Again, that doesn't mean that there are not some that are like
immediately shut it down, like I said, the sexual stuff.
Absolutely.
If they are raging you and then being like straight up,
just condescending to you, like there's just things that then it's a no.
OK, I'm not sitting there saying that they're not going to be that.
But come in community and we can talk and walk through that,
because here's the thing.
If you put a red flag up and cut someone off, we'll talk about it.
Doesn't mean that you made a mistake.
If if there was something that you could have done differently,
we're going to learn and grow from it.
Doesn't mean that you have to go back and change it because you can't.
And that's fine.
You're not going to mess up your spirit, mate.
You just won't. OK.
All of these things are just all a growing and learning process.
So one moment can just be a mistake,
but the pattern is going to reveal the truth.
So just be paying attention to what happens when it gets addressed.
How do they show up when you bring up the things that you're recognizing?
So question to be asking,
is this an isolated event or am I seeing a repeated pattern?
And this again, if it's we're going to get curious,
we're going to ask questions, we're not going to jump to assuming.
Because patterns are going to tell the truth.
that moments often hide?
What was that question again?
Is this an isolated event or am I seeing a repeated pattern?
Because those patterns are gonna really shed
some truth in areas where moments might hide it.
Because ladies, let's be real,
in those first month of dating,
month to two month of dating,
we're all just trying to be liked.
We're putting our best foot forward, okay?
So we might start seeing some patterns
and we might see how they might be trying to cover it up.
We just need to discern.
Doesn't mean that we're operating in fear, okay?
And it doesn't mean we're taking something
to a fantasy point.
We're just sitting, like that's why it's like,
that level two dating, getting to know you,
there's a reason that process works.
It slows things down because we're not putting ourselves
in something that later is gonna be like,
oh my gosh, what did I do?
And it's gonna create more angst in us and more healing
where it's like, I'm just gonna slow down.
I'm gonna slow down and observe.
And I know a lot of us are like,
well, I don't wanna waste my time.
But ladies, spending two months getting to know someone
and not taking it to like an accelerated pace
is actually gonna save you time
than thinking it's something that it's not
and staying in it longer,
because you didn't slow down and look at
what was actually being exposed.
Does that make sense?
I know we don't wanna slow the process down
and we just wanna find the connection,
either, oh, I don't know,
I'm not feeling it with this person
or I don't wanna waste time.
Okay, well, let's just spend a little time.
You are gonna save more time in the long run
than you are just spending a month or so
getting to know somebody.
That's also why I encourage you ladies is,
in those level two, get to know a couple people.
Yes, getting married to the wrong person
and staying in a marriage for so many years,
that is harder.
100%.
One to two months of slowing the pace down
and really taking some observations
and learning and getting to know somebody
and being curious and not jumping to some fantasy
or some fear is gonna save you so much time,
so much time.
Okay, I think I'm ready to move on to my next point.
Let me just glance over here.
Oh, some examples of some red flags.
This one's good, okay?
Chronic dishonesty.
Okay, sometimes you're gonna see that men might,
oh, like I see this one oftentimes,
like they might be just honest about their age
or their height or whatever.
I know women are like,
well, if he's already lying in the beginning,
well, I get it.
I don't like the lying piece either,
but sometimes when we take a step back and we learn
that why did they feel like they had to
not share their real age
or why they didn't disclose that they were actually
five, eight, not five, 10?
Like it's being able to kind of,
sometimes bringing those things up,
like, hey, I noticed this,
and listening for what is their response.
If they get defensive,
like that's an observation.
I've had some men where they're like,
well, I had to because I was,
this has actually happened.
I know some men that are in their late 40s
or maybe in their mid 40s,
they're getting paired with women
in like their 50s and 60s on the sites.
And so they had to put their age down a little more.
And I'm not saying that this is right or wrong, okay?
But sometimes it's about learning,
like, why are they doing this?
because they're not getting matched.
They're trying to see what will give them
a bigger pool of people to pick from, okay?
And I know that sounds like, you know, not so lovely,
but again, it's sometimes just hearing the response
and not just immediately assuming, okay?
It's learning a little more.
Like I said, it doesn't mean that it's not something
that you're gonna be like, okay, it's a no now,
but it is about getting curious with that.
So that's why I say chronic dishonesty, okay?
And that's why you're not gonna fast forward
that relationship.
Like, you're gonna be like,
I'm gonna sit back and observe.
This is just a warning sign
because the last thing you wanna do is, oh, overlook it.
Because I'm not telling you ladies to overlook it.
I'm just telling you to sit back and observe it.
Get more information.
Other flags, manipulation.
And that can sometimes be hard to see,
especially if we are people pleasers
or we have some stuff in us that's prone to that.
And so that's why we talk about discovery dating
isn't just about discovering about other people.
It's also allowing God to reveal areas in us
that need to be healed.
So if you're recognizing that some of the men
that you are dating are kind of in this same,
like, I feel like they're always trying to manipulate me
or they're always trying to do this.
That's, we're gonna now reflect on what is caught,
like what in me is creating something
that is pulling that to be attracted to me.
And again, that doesn't mean
that you're doing something wrong.
It just means, hey, there's somewhere
that God wants to grow us.
So we just want to pay attention to that.
What's God trying to help me see?
Boundary violations, those are red flags.
Okay, and so that's why, you know,
in this phase two, we had that boundaries video.
That is such a good teaching because,
and to be able to recognize,
are you someone that puts up all the boundaries
because you're guarded and you're like trying to avoid,
or you have no boundaries whatsoever
because you're just ain't like,
just wanting to not be rejected.
So it's recognizing your own boundaries
and how people are responding to those boundaries.
So it's not just, are they violating my boundaries
or am I putting up too many boundaries or not enough?
Yes, does he respect your no as much as your yes?
Y'all, I say this, I tell this story all the time.
My ladies who've been here for a hot minute,
my husband on our first date asked to kiss me.
I said, no.
Didn't mean I didn't want to,
because I loved kissing,
but I knew I was convicted to be like, okay,
I don't want to have any physical connection
with anybody that I'm getting to know
because that physical connection drew me closer to somebody.
And then I was not seeing red flags when they were there
because that physical contact that just got me excited.
So I knew that was not an option for me.
And that's why I encourage a lot of women here.
We do not want to cross those physical boundaries
with someone, especially in a level two relationship
where we're just getting to know them
because that is when you will not see flags
or you're going to see yellow flags,
but then you're going to be like, oh, it's a yellow flag.
And it might be a red flag and it might be,
we're just not going to see it clearly.
And I know some people are like, not like that.
They don't like when I say that and I get it.
And we can always process through it, okay?
But my husband respected that.
I even said, well, do you want to know?
And he's like, no, I mean, he didn't need,
he was like, I don't need to know,
but I still told him anyway.
Because I was like, look, I want you to be,
I want to be clear.
I'm not going to have physical.
Like, I'm not going to kiss anybody unless I'm in a committed relationship with them.
Like, that's just not something that I'm going to do because I don't want to do that to someone else,
be out kissing a couple different guys, or have them doing the same thing.
Because there was no commitment there. We were on a first date.
Like, he was allowed to go date other people and so was I.
He doesn't know if I was talking to a couple different people.
I think he was talking to someone. I think we've even chatted about that.
Like, he had been talking to somebody and it was just more of a friend
and he had to kind of do the whole, like, tell her, like, hey buddy sort of thing.
It was like someone at a singles group at church or something like that.
And I kind of, you know, bust his butt for that still.
But yeah, I mean, if he was kissing me and then arriving back at, you know,
going back to Texas from Florida and then going out on a date with her
and then kissing her, like, no thank you.
I mean, y'all, that Bachelor show, I mean, I know Bachelor has been around for like over decades.
I do not know how they do that.
I do not know how these women all are fighting for one man's attention
and he's over there kissing a bunch of different girls.
Like, I'm sorry. No, no thank you.
Or a woman who's the Bachelorette kissing all these dudes.
Yes, like, no thank you. That is like, no thanks.
I don't know how, I do not know how people go through that program.
Yeah, anyway, that could be a whole nother coaching, teaching thing here.
But let's continue to move on.
Okay, so yeah, those are some of the red flags.
Now, let's talk a little bit about green flags.
Because these are the ones that you'll see,
they'll be green flags, but they're not going to be exciting,
so we're going to overlook them.
Green flags are going to be less exciting than red flags.
And sometimes green flags don't create butterflies.
Green flags sometimes will not create the spark.
Everyone's like, I just want to feel the spark.
Sometimes green flags will not create that.
But what they will create is a peace.
So sometimes, ladies, we're looking for the spark,
we're looking for the excitement, we're looking for the passion,
we're looking for the rush.
When I want you to sit back and be like,
but does this bring me peace?
Do I feel safe and secure?
Do I feel at ease?
That is a green flag.
It's going to create peace, not chaos.
Healthy relationships will feel safe, consistent, and steady.
And ladies, if our past relationships,
if those past relationships was a lot of chaos
and a lot of excitement and a lot of drama,
we are not going to know what to do with a calm, healthy man.
It's going to feel different.
Yes, there is a video.
I do believe the Dating 101 has video,
and Jackie does go through some do's and don'ts.
I do know we are in the process of revamping our Phase 2 videos.
So I'm not quite sure when Jackie's going to be recording those,
but I imagine with the Modern Dating Sex book,
I would imagine it's going to kind of incorporate some of that content.
That's kind of my hope.
But there's still good information in those,
so definitely pull from those.
Does the spark exist?
It does, it just will probably look a little different.
Sparks do exist, okay? They do.
It may just take time to get there.
Okay, if you are like someone like me,
I was always rushing into relationships.
And so those sparks were typically like...
flags for me. I had to learn, like, okay, if I'm seeing, like, if I'm getting excited
and all, like, flustered, like, that was an indicator for me, like, okay, Carly, you need
to observe this. This is feeling familiar. Are you finding yourself in the same pattern
that you were dating before? And just, and that's when I was coming into this community
and I was talking with Jackie and all the other women, like, what I was experiencing
on dates? What was happening in me? What was I processing through? What was God revealing
to me? What was being highlighted? That's where a lot of my growth came in this community,
was sharing my experiences on dates, processing through them with the women here in community.
That's where the growth happened. So I say that not because I don't want you guys not
to be let down, that there might not be a spark there. I'm saying that so that if you're
not feeling, like, if it feels a little bit unfamiliar or boring, you're not going to
overlook it. Because those sometimes, like, the green flags will get overlooked. A guy
that shows up healthy might be boring at first because you're not used to it. Okay? So question
to ask yourself, have I ever mistaken peace for a lack of chemistry? Healthy often changes
what feels attractive. So again, discovery dating will start opening those lenses for
you of what do you find attractive? And you're going to, you may date a handful of different
guys and they may not be your person, but you're going to be able to say, you know what,
this person didn't align, but I really valued. And I found a, like, really attracted. I was
really attracted to the way they communicated or maybe that the way they treated people in
their life, the way they served people. The, I was attracted to the way that they were,
they, the way they showed up for their kids. I was attracted to the way that they created
boundaries. Not every date is going to be your husband, but it doesn't mean that every date
can't be something you can learn and grow in. What green flags do you see that you admire?
Have I ever mistaken peace for a lack of chemistry? Kind of like that spark.
Okay. So you felt so many sparks on that video chat. And so let's, let's dive into
that here in a minute. When I open up for questions, we can, we can process through
that. Like what, what was, what sparks were you feeling? What made you nervous? What were
you recognizing? Let's, we can, like, these can be invitations of what is God trying to heal?
What is he wanting to show us so that we can pay attention to so that we don't continue in
the same dating patterns that we were in before heartwork. And so the last thing I want to talk
about here, cause I know we're running out of time here. I want to be able to leave at least
a good 40 minutes for questions. Well, here, let me, before I do that, some examples of green flags,
consistent communication. Um, does he keep his word? Is he respecting boundaries?
Is there initiation? Is there intentional?
initiation like they're engaging it there's some reciprocation there that's
a big one like a lot of my anxious attached women they like someone and the
guy is nice but he's not overly interested but for now he's engaged like
when you reach out he's friendly he's nice he's open to going on dates but is
he initiating anything is he initiating phone calls is he initiating dates we
can drop the hanky and we can offer the wanting to get together and date like
the first date or so but typically after that first date I'm gonna encourage you
ladies to wait for the guy to ask you out on the second third date doesn't
mean that you can't let them know hey I'd be interested in doing this again we
should do this sometime you know that kind of stuff but you do want to go back
and look are they showing any initiation and intent to want to get to know me or
am I just kind of there if I show up and I message then yeah they're nuts is it a
man following through with what he says he's gonna do that's a green flag does
he own his mistakes so ladies do you see how I said a green flag man isn't a man
that doesn't have mistakes a green flag is he owns his mistakes they're gonna
have mistakes ladies are they owning it and do you see emotional stability
I think I was talking with Ebony and she was sharing with me like some things that
she recognized recognizing men that are not emotionally available I'm a very emotional
person and so I have enough emotions for a lot of people and so I often was attracted
to emotionally unavailable because I was so focused on my own that I couldn't see
that they were kind of like emotions just made them uncomfortable so being able to recognize
that too now the last thing the most important flag get ready for this one ladies the most
important flag to pay attention to is your own
your fears your wounds your past experiences can distort what you see
it changes the lenses that we look through that's why heart work and healing our hearts
is foundation we want to break off those lenses that we're looking through that are not showing
us the clarity and the truth of what is actually there what fears are coming in and lying to us
we have to be aware of those things because your self-awareness is going to create clarity and it's
it's self-awareness that will also put us into a place of humility so that we can actually learn
and grow and it will take vulnerability it will be coming to community and saying you know what
this is what I've struggled with I guarantee you whatever you struggle with whatever lenses you
might be looking through whatever flag you may have you are not the only one in this community
dealing with it because I will be very very candid with you I frequently can relate to the
women in this community with the things that they struggle with because I have gone through it
myself or I'm still working on it y'all I'm married
I'm married and I still have my flags that I still have to work on.
So I want you to pay attention. Just because you have flags doesn't mean that you're not
ready for marriage. It just means you're human. That's it.
And that's why we're looking at how does someone show up? How does someone respond
versus what the issue is? I'm not saying those issues aren't important, but we want to,
we're looking more at what's the response.
Yes, growing and learning does not end when you get married. It actually is. Yes.
And that's something that Ebony and I were talking about this,
this week. I was like, I thought I arrived when I got married y'all.
Ooh, let me tell you, I had a lot more hard work to do after I got married.
And I don't say it. I know someone in the community a few weeks ago was like,
why does it sound like marriage is not so great? I'm like, oh no, it's great.
It's just the reality of like, it's a maturity process.
Like there is, I'm sorry, my phone just went off.
So I want you ladies to just embrace this season of being single and growing and learning and
looking at flags and like looking at your own stuff, because it's just going to prepare you
for marriage and relationship in the future.
I'm sorry, y'all, my, my phone keeps going off and I can't hear you.
I'm sorry, y'all, my, my phone keeps going off and I don't know how to silence it on my computer.
So a reflection question to be asking yourself, what story emotion or wound might be influencing
how you see whatever it is that you're in that situation, what story emotion or wound
might be influencing when I'm seeing
the clearer you become, the clearer the flags will become.
Yeah. And that's another thing too. Like if you grew up or even, I mean, ladies,
Ebony and I were talking about that even this week, um, even in the church,
people will talk about marriage. And, and when people talk about marriage,
they kind of talk about how hard it is. We were, we were sharing, like,
there needs to be more married couples in the church that yes, that talk about the reality
of marriage, but talk about it in a light that doesn't look so negative.
And so that's another thing I want to caution you ladies with when you are out doing, um,
when you are out doing life with people and you're, you know, at church or whatever,
and you know, you're going to have like, you'll have single friends, you'll have married friends,
you'll have all of that. You'll have divorced friends. You know, if you're, if you're engaging
with single friends that are just negative and just look at being single at, and men as the,
like the enemy, I'm going to caution you not to hang out with those people.
If they don't have a, a, a, a sense of hope, like that's, you're gonna, you're gonna carry
some of that same thing. If you're hanging out with married couples, if married couples are
sitting there encouraging you not to get married because it's so hard, I would encourage you not
to get your advice, your dating advice from them.
Find, find people. And again, you don't have to get a lot. I would actually encourage you just
find one or two people that you can go to that you can lean on. And that's again,
why we have community, why we have coaches here that, and it's why we have, you know,
coaches that are married and we have coaches that are single because we've all been in this process,
but that are going to share with you the facts and the reality, but they're also going to
share with you the positive things that come with it. That's going to be encouraged, encouraging.
You know, I, I wish I had more people to tell me about the reality of marriage, which Jackie was.
At the time, I just wasn't, I didn't know it because I'd never been married.
And now I'm like, Oh my goodness. Now, now I get what she was saying.
You know, and so I'm aware that now, you know, while I have some wisdom on this side, not
a lot, you know, I'll be married three years in September, so I'll have a lot, but, you
know, I'm aware that some of the things that I might share with you ladies that have never
been married before, it might not make sense because you haven't experienced it.
That was me, but I want to encourage you to find people that, um, that will lift that
up.
So I'm sorry for anybody that has ever had to hear anything negative about marriage or
it being painted in a lens of negativity because that's false.
Is it hard because it grows us and is that positive?
Yeah.
So it just depends.
Are we looking at something being hard because it's difficult and it's challenging and it's
uncomfortable for us?
Is that a negative thing or is that actually like, I want some things to be hard.
I want things to be hard because it means it matters.
I'm putting the effort and initiative in it.
It requires some sacrificing.
It requires some, some servant, like some service of me.
It allows me to, to, to connect more to the father and to, to operate more like Jesus
and to really embrace what it is that Jesus did for us.
I mean, marriage will do that.
I mean, I always think like, like if you look at what Jesus had to do on the cross, that
sacrificial, like that wasn't easy for him, but was it, was that hard?
Was it worth it?
Sure was.
Marriage is the same thing.
It's worth it.
It doesn't mean it's easy, but it is worth it.
Yeah.
Being negative about marriage.
Yes.
Good.
I'm glad you still have that belief that there are good marriages out there and good marriages
doesn't mean everything is perfect.
It's one that's going to grow us and mature us.
And so just keep that in mind.
So some things to take away, yellow flags are there for observation.
Red flags will need action.
Green flags need appreciation.
You don't have to become this human lie detector, okay?
You don't need perfect discernment.
Your job is just to remain present for you to allow God to show things clearly to you
of what actually is there.
God will be faithful and reveal what it is that needs to be revealed when it needs to
be revealed.
And that is so easier said than done, but keep that in mind.
Use this community to walk that out.
It is about trusting this process, okay?
Thousands and thousands and thousands of people have gone through this process, okay?
I've gone through this process and I will tell you, it wasn't perfect.
There is no such thing, but if we're consistent with the process and staying engaged and intentional
and showing up and leaning on God, like that process will work and it will look differently
than we think.
But I will tell you, whatever you have envisioned of what your love story is going to look like,
it will be different, but it'll be a good different.
It'll be a good different.
And then you're going to be like, oh my gosh, this is better than I even imagined.
And the things that God will like reveal to you, you're just going to be like, I would
have never saw that if it went my way.
Because God will have this really great way of just kind of laying out the details and
he's so intricately, he puts it together.
So our activation this week is I want you ladies to choose one relationship, okay. This doesn't
have to be a dating relationship, okay, because I know some ladies aren't dating and that's totally
fine. So it can be a dating relationship, it can be a friendship, it can be a family
member, or it could be yourself. And I want you to do, we're going to do like a flag audit,
okay. You're going to list at least one green flag that you've been overlooking
you're going to list any yellow flags that might require some more observation
and if there's any red flags that might need action.
And I want you to be asking what additional information do you still need when these flags
are present. Yes, red flags need action, green flags need appreciation, and yellow flags need
observation. Observation, yeah. Like just think of that, it's like slow down.
Warning. What am I looking for? Not warning out of fear, but warning. I'm just like,
I'm going to discern. I'm going to see what is it that I can be learning. Not from fear,
not from fantasy, okay. So we'll get that up in the app as well.
Yeah, we'll get that up in the app as well with the activation.
There's a few things in my notes that I just saw that I'm going to. Fear labels yellow flags as red.
Okay, so if you're operating in fear, you're going to look at yellow flags as red. Fantasy,
if you're operating in fantasy, you're going to ignore red flags.
Urgency, that's kind of like we've been talking about that needing certainty.
That's going to rush your discernment. That's not going to give you clear discernment. If you
have this urgency, like I need to know, and I need certainty, I need to find out right now.
I'm going to tell you that right now, that urgency is really going to rush your discernment.
That urgency is really going to rush your discernment.
So when you feel that, I want you to remind yourself, just slow down.
Come to the group. Share with us, like I'm feeling this. I'm feeling like I need to know.
If you need to feel urgent of something and you need to act on something,
come act and share with us. Let it out there. All right, that way you feel like you're getting that
I'm doing something about it, but I'm doing it in a healthy space. I'm doing it in my community.
I'm not actually doing it with the person that I'm engaging with. Do it here.
Y'all, if you could see five, four years ago, the things that I would post in the group after
dates and what was going on in my head, oh my word, like y'all would have seen, like y'all,
I was, I was not just anxious. I was also avoidant. I was a little bit of both.
And I know we've gotten, um, Ebony and I are talking about kind of doing a teaching on that.
And I want to pull some more, um, information on that about what do we do when we see those, um,
anxious, um, when we're aware of like the anxious tendencies that we have,
or the avoidant tendencies, like what's a way that we can overcome those things.
Because just because we are aware of it doesn't mean that it just goes away. Um,
it's actually putting it into practice. Um, insecurity is you're going to overlook green flags.
Cause you're not going to believe it. So it's going to be really hard to receive anything.
I'm so thankful that you feel free to post. Um, I love it. How we, okay. Yes.
Good, good, good. Um, past wounds are also going to interpret everything through our old experience.
Interpret everything through our old experiences as well. And so again,
those are things to just pay attention to y'all. That is, I still do that. Like even in my
relationship, past things that happened to me in past relationships will, will show up some things
in how I operate in my relationship now. And so those are just good indicators for me to kind of
take a look. And it doesn't mean that I don't look at things that are happening in my current
relationship, but I also can see that I might have to check myself and how I view things because
because I have a lens in the past
and I have to be mindful and aware of it.
Doesn't mean that that goes away and I overlook it.
It just means I'm just using that awareness, okay?
All right, I feel like I covered so much
and we are well over time,
but I definitely wanna make sure
that I leave space for people to ask questions.
So if you have questions, go ahead and put your hand up.
I wanna see how many I have here
and we'll see how long that's gonna take us
to kind of how much time we have for each person.
I'll go a little over today too, if I have to.
Anybody, does anybody have any questions?
Sarah, okay, I see you.
So go ahead and unmute.
Does anybody else, even put it up in the chat,
if you can't find out where to raise your avatar hand.
Okay, good.
Karen, she does.
I know Sarah does.
Sarah's unmuted.
Okay, if you have to put in the chat too,
hey, I've got a question.
Okay, perfect.
And I'll look for yours in the chat then.
Sounds good.
So go ahead and type that out.
If you can't unmute and you have a question,
put it up in the chat,
cause I'll go through it and read through that as well.
All right, Sarah, I'm gonna start with you,
then Karen, and then I'm looking for Jennifer.
So that's three.
I think if we're spending like five minutes on each,
I think we'll make it through the three of you.
If anybody else has one, let me know now.
Otherwise, put it in the app and we'll go over that.
I know I have been MIA for a little bit.
I'm gonna be digging into that.
I'm gonna be looking over the last couple of weeks.
So please know that I am going to go cover several weeks
over the next couple of days.
So if you haven't gotten a question answered
or gotten overlooked,
or if you've followed up with a response from us
and we haven't responded to that,
I'm gonna be going and checking those out as well.
Okay, and so just be on the lookout for that.
You all should, if you have a post in there and we respond,
you should get a notification that we responded to that.
Now, I don't always see if you've responded
to my response in your post,
but I do do my best to kind of go back
and click and look up, okay?
And if you're still waiting on a response
or you responded to one of us
and we haven't responded to your response,
just throw up a new post.
Did that make sense?
I just use a lot of words.
Okay, and then I have one more other question.
Okay, perfect.
All right, Sarah, how are you?
Hi, Carla.
Hi, everybody.
I'm doing okay.
I'm probably gonna post a follow-up question
about that whole situationship that I have shared, you know?
Yes.
And so, but I have a follow-up question about that,
but I'm not gonna do that here now
because I don't wanna take my time for that.
But I am starting to, I'm on online dating.
I did Facebook online dating.
I signed up for it.
So I'm excited.
This is exciting because sometimes it's a bit overwhelming
to get started with all about the profile.
Like somebody from the group had mentioned
that they haven't done their profile yet.
And I can totally relate.
It's hard, but Facebook dating made it easy.
And I'm not on Facebook a lot,
but they match you up with like friends of friends.
So it's kind of nice.
I have run into a couple of people that I knew already,
but I just kind of do the X.
No, thank you.
There you go.
Yeah.
So, but it's been really neat.
So I'm really thankful to, I'm starting getting into it.
And I'm also trying to pace myself
with like not every night looking for responses
for who I've been matched up with,
who I can get matched up with.
I'm trying to pace it between like one evening
or an afternoon trying to respond to people,
reach out to guys, and then maybe the next night
do my thing and try to kind of be healthy
and everything about it.
So trying to find out.
Yeah, I love that.
So I had a guy that I had been matched with
and he gave me his phone number.
So I said, hey, I can, he said like,
hey, why don't we try and he gave me his number.
And I was like, okay, want me to call you in an hour?
And he's like, sure.
So I was trying to set up Google voice
and it was not happening for me.
So I had learned that I can dial star six, seven
and that will block my number.
So I did that, but then I feel bad
because he doesn't have like a callback number
in case he wanted to call me back.
So I need to go back in the dating,
online dating stuff that I think Jackie had posted
about Google phone number.
And I need to look into that a little more.
And I think what you,
cause I didn't use a Google phone number
when I was dating.
Cause I think it's smart to do.
I wish I would have done it.
use my just give my actual number because my whole thought process is I can block somebody
because I was using my cell phone. Now what I didn't think is people can look at your number
and then they can find things like and that's where I didn't think that far ahead. So again,
I'm not saying like I had a piece about that and I also was pretty selective on who I gave out my
number to. Right. But so I haven't personally done the Google voice. Okay. So that's why I preface
that. Okay. But I know a lot of women have just, if you just Google, how do I set up a Google voice?
Yeah. It should give you the process. I would imagine it's not, I don't, I know my husband
has one for his work, but I don't think it's very difficult. I mean, cause again, those numbers will,
they'll, they'll ring your phone, but the callback number will be a different number.
I mean, so they'll be able to access you, but they're not going to access information about
you. Does that make sense? Yeah. It doesn't mean that you might need to block them
from your Google voice. I mean, you might still have to do that if they are just not taking a hit.
Right. So yeah. Gmail lets you set up Google voice. Okay. So do you have a Gmail?
Um, yeah, so I would, I think I use my mom's new one that we set up for her, but I'll probably
have to do one for me cause I have a work one, but I don't want to do, I don't want my last name
to be, you know, I want to kind of like, so maybe you set up a different, like a Gmail account,
like a, yeah, set up a separate ladies. That might be a good idea. Set up a different Gmail
account. Maybe one that you don't frequently use, whether it's like for work or personal, that,
that would be tied to your name, your last name, all that stuff. So set up just a regular,
just one that you don't even check the emails. Yeah. Google number through that. That might be
very helpful. Yes. Um, I think that'd be great. Yeah. So I'm going to do that so I can, and then
maybe YouTube too can kind of help me walk through it. Oh, my husband is a total, like
he, he, he tubes everything, how to's and he's like, you want everything?
Yeah. He fixed our dryer that way. Whatever works. I don't have the patience for that.
I have a question about, so this guy that I talked with on the phone, I kept in mind, like
keep it short. Like I was really mindful of the time. I was like 30 minutes in honestly,
by the end of the 30 minutes I was like, kind of ready to be done. So I was kind of like,
I don't know if that was, if that's just me and I kind of like after, you know, like I,
I recharge being alone type thing. So I don't know if that was kind of that kind of thing
maybe or what, but, um, so we talked for about 30 minutes and, um, so I guess what I'm wondering is
like, I didn't feel like there was a spark, um, personality wise. I don't know if we'd
be complimentary or not. Um, we had a lot of similarities that we like nature,
like to kind of be adventurous, go, you know, he likes fishing, fly fishing, fishing,
um, likes to be in nature. And I, I like to, you know, try to be in nature as much as I can.
Um, so, um, and I did ask him, he did have a, um, something that happened on the job that
caused him to get an injury. I did ask him what happened on the job to get an injury. So I don't
know if I was asking too much diving too deep there. Yeah. So I'm, I'm guessing, I'm wondering,
um, like, I'd like to set up Google voice and say, here's my number if you'd like to
get in touch again. Cause we haven't, um, messaged each other since the phone call a
couple of nights ago. Um, and so would that, so that, that's sounds good, right? Like kind of like
like a follow-up. Absolutely. I love that. And I love that you recognize them. There's no spark,
but remember what we learned today, just because there's no spark doesn't necessarily mean it's
a no, right. Just okay. I, cause again, we're not, we're looking to learn and discover. Yeah.
And so did he give you any, when you were talking with him, was there anything that you were like,
I absolutely do not want to go on a date with this person? No, no. In fact, I mean, he,
he has his own home. He's a supervisor. So you learned some things that were like,
I would let it, it left you still being curious to learn more. There wasn't a spark. You're not
ladies. It's okay. If you don't know how you feel about the person, there's still a stranger.
It's yeah. Did they leave you being open to still continuing to learn more about them?
And if that's yes, then go forward. Okay. And it doesn't mean like you said, like I,
we don't know, like after 30 minutes, you're kind of done. Yeah. Sometimes the same way.
If this is the first time that you've engaged with someone like through an online dating,
it could have been nerves that way. I mean, you could have been stressed with some other
things going on in your life. Like we don't want to just say, Oh, it was just because of this guy.
No, it might've been just other things.
that we were dealing with.
So you're looking for, okay, how do I feel
when I am spending time getting to know him?
Am I seeing something in me?
And what's that saying?
It's being curious about you,
but then are you still interested
in getting to know them as well?
Are you seeing any flags?
What are those saying?
What are you wanting to know more about?
Like it's pacing yourself.
And so I love a lot of things
because you're doing that in so many areas.
Like even just jumping in, getting on Facebook dating,
you're not looking every night,
you're slowing that down.
You're making this work for you
that doesn't feel overwhelming.
And that's growth.
That's healthy action.
And like you said, profiles can get overwhelming, ladies.
Just it's one thing at a time.
It took me forever to come up with a profile.
And then I needed to change it a hundred million times.
Because you can just go post something
and then if you wanna go change it, you can go change it.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
So yeah, I like that you kept things short, 30 minutes.
You recognize like you're someone that you're like me,
I need to be recharged by myself.
Okay, I'm an ambivert.
I like being around people, but then I need downtime.
I need quiet time to process alone.
And so that was probably a bit overwhelming.
Like first conversation probably in a really long time.
It was.
That 30 minutes is good.
Yeah, thank you.
I don't want you to think like
there's something wrong because you were exhausted
or maybe there wasn't a spark.
I like that you recognize there's some things
that you are both interested in.
Yeah.
There's some things that were some good signs
like he owns a home.
Okay, like you're seeing something
like you're making some observations and that is good.
And so I think it's good.
Set up a Google voice, shoot him a message saying,
hey, it was really nice getting to know you.
If you ever want to do it again, here is my number.
Yeah, I think that's great.
And I'm going to do that.
And I also just wonder,
sometimes I felt like I was trying to
keep the conversation going and keep, you know,
so would it be okay if we do talk again,
if I just kind of like let him kind of take the lead
in regards to like-
Yeah, and even before that you can be like,
hey, I know last time we talked,
I probably took over asking a lot of the questions.
I mean, sometimes I'll just admit that like,
hey, and again, whether you did or didn't,
it just signals to them you were recognizing
that you were doing more of the talking.
Yeah.
I noticed I did, I asked a lot of the questions.
I wanted to make sure that I gave you an opportunity
to ask whatever you wanted.
So, you know, when we connect next,
please feel free to come with, you know,
questions to ask me, you know.
Yeah, I like that.
But I would also encourage
still have some backup questions.
Okay.
Some guys are just not great at making conversation.
Right.
Women are, women typically have more words.
Yeah.
Cool, thank you, Carla.
Okay, you're welcome.
All right, Karen, you're up next
and then I'm gonna go look in the chat.
Okay, mine's really quick.
I just wanted to know if being condescending
is a red flag or yellow?
Well, can you give me more information?
Like, when was this?
What happened?
Oh, I'm just, this was years and years
with somebody who's always condescending.
You just said they're always condescending.
So they show up frequently like this.
Consistently, yeah.
So it's consistent.
So would that be a flag or not?
That'd be red.
Yeah.
What if you mention it to them
and then they reflect and try not to do it,
but sometimes slip up?
And that's, they're, it's recognizing the heart.
Like, do you see that they really
are making a conscious effort?
Do they really try?
Ladies, I will say you typically know
when people genuinely are not trying to show up
in a way that they wanna grow.
It's very rare that people don't show that.
when you're around people, you will recognize,
do they offer an invitation of growth
or are they just doing it to please you
and then just push it aside?
You're gonna recognize that.
Those are the things that you're gonna sit back and observe.
How do they show up?
So yeah, if you're bringing up like,
hey, this made me feel this way
and I didn't really like whatever,
and you're communicating it in a healthy way
and there is a sincerity and they take the ownership of it,
they hold themselves accountable to it,
doesn't have to be perfect, okay?
I still show up in my marriage of things
that I need to work on and I don't always do them perfectly
and I have to go back and I have to own up to them.
My husband does the same thing.
There's things that he's working on
that he doesn't do it perfectly,
but he's consistently tries,
doesn't mean he does it perfectly,
but it takes time sometimes to change our habits.
And so I would be more or less looking,
when you bring it up, how are they responding?
And there's consistently like,
you're noticing like it's almost every day
or every other day and when you see it,
how do you respond?
Like, if they come at you condescending,
are you saying, hey, that felt really condescending to me?
What's their response?
Usually say nothing.
And then I reflect back when I'm by myself
and then I'm like, wait a minute.
And then it's kind of too late and I don't know.
I tend to not have the answer
or the come back quickly.
It's always after I reflect and then I have my answer,
but then it's kind of like a mute point
to even bring it up again.
Okay, so I wanna dig a little bit with that then.
So, cause here's the thing, you might not in that moment,
you might need time to process
and there's nothing wrong with that.
That's how you operate.
Like I'm like that.
If I'm in the middle of a heated discussion,
I can get flooded and I'm not thinking clearly.
But when I get myself quiet and I go process it
and then I recognize things and I'm like,
okay, I did this and I didn't like how I showed up here,
but when this happened, I wanna address this.
And I'm now in a calmer state.
I wanna ask you, what's going on inside you
that makes you feel like you can't bring it up again?
Cause you said, after I've gone through
and thought about it, then it's kind of like,
oh, it's already happened.
It's not, there's no point in addressing it.
Yeah, with this particular person,
it's because if I bring it up again, it's his reaction.
So there you go.
Yeah, you just mentioned all of this.
Yeah.
And so then that's a pattern.
Yeah.
Okay.
And that's their response.
And so even bringing up that and just saying,
hey, I wanna come to you about something,
but I've noticed I don't because of this response,
can we work on that?
I mean, I would now address-
It's a past marriage anyway, so it's over.
But yeah, I was just curious.
So yeah, I would just be looking at that stuff.
And I think that's, these are good things
that you're processing through because now as you enter
into dating and getting to know people,
you're recognizing patterns that you had
and patterns that you recognize in people.
And now you can see it through a different lens.
It's gonna be more clear so that you now have wisdom
and some discernment based on the past experience.
And it doesn't have to be out of fear,
but now you can recognize I didn't address things
because of how they responded.
That alone, you're gonna want to be mindful of
if you recognize that pattern again
in anybody that you're getting to know.
And then you can act differently.
You can respond differently.
Where now, hey, I'm going to respond.
I don't feel safe to bring up things that matter to me
because this response.
And then you can ask for a need that needs to be met.
Cause that happens sometimes in my marriage.
Like sometimes I'm like, it depends on how I.
a voice of concern that might trigger my husband to give me that response.
And so now we both get to reflect on that.
But if I constantly ignored it because I was avoiding his response, we
weren't going to work anything out.
And so now I recognize, Oh, that was a pattern I had in a lot
of my other relationships.
So now I get to operate and do things differently and God can now work
on me and I get to go to the Lord.
I mean, like, help me process this.
What, what are you trying to reveal to me?
What are you trying to show me here?
And so I think it's good that this is getting brought up so that as you
navigate dating, these are things that you're looking for.
So just even being able to recognize that alone, the consistent showing up
condescending is a pattern and the way they respond is a pattern, but then
you recognize a pattern in you, a fear of not wanting to address something
because the fear of how they respond.
That's a pattern in you.
That's a flag in you.
That's a good point.
Cause I want to do things differently the next time around.
So that's a really good point.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
I think I got a couple of questions here in the chat, so let's go through here.
Okay.
Jennifer's question.
Um, I've not really dated and would say almost never.
Okay.
Um, never been married nor kissed.
Okay.
How could I get better familiar with these flags since I'm not dated?
Um, also I shared something in phase one of a situation in church.
I started recognizing of when I crushed on a, on guys in church growing up.
Can I post that in the community?
Absolutely.
Definitely post that in the community chat.
Um, you know, when in doubt, post everything in the community chat.
Like the more we, the more details that we have, the more we get to unpack and grow.
And believe it or not, the things that you share, many women are going to relate to.
Um, as far as like ways to get familiar with these flags, it's just going to
be walking through the experience.
It's going to be like, share with us what it is.
It's going through your mind, through your heart.
You know, what fears are coming up in you?
What, what scares you?
What is exciting to you?
Um, what are you noticing?
Okay.
It, it, even now, like with this activation, um, you're gonna do a flag audit.
Pick a friendship or, um, a family member and look at green flags,
yellow flags, and red flags.
Look at that.
And recognize those things.
Um, if you're not sure about a flag, that's when I will
encourage you ladies just post.
We'll talk through those things.
We're going to, we'll get down to the, um, what lens are we looking at?
Something the wise, and it will help us coach you because we'll get to ask you
questions that you then get to go into prayer and process through.
Cause it's gonna be different for everybody.
Everyone's going to have different flags.
You know, if you've been cheated on, that's a flag for some
people on how people show up.
Or, you know, just even not having the experience with dating that alone
might make us a little standoffish.
And that might put a guard up and that might be a flag.
Like, I don't know how to respond to people.
I don't know if this person's responding and they're healthy or they're not
because I've never experienced it.
We're all going to have things.
And so when we share it here in community, that's the best way.
And it's not always, and that, and you could probably go back even to some of
the, I don't know exactly when you joined phase two, but, um, over the last month,
we've talked a lot about, um, the need for certainty and that, um, we tend to
want certainty, but when we're doing that, we're not really releasing the
control typically as we're taking on that control, we want certainty.
But then when we do that, it's actually keeping us from things.
So there's lots of teachings on that over the last month or so that you could
probably get some good information on too.
Um, but I'm excited for you.
I'm excited for you to be in here.
So, um, like I said, I was like, I recognized you and I'm like, no,
she's not new to phase two.
But then I was like, when you said you were new, I'm like, oh, that's right.
Cause I went and helped in phase one first.
for a hot minute.
And so, so good to have you.
All right, I think there was another question.
So hopefully that helped answer your question, Jennifer.
Awesome.
Okay, next question.
You're talking to a guy who's 44 years old and you're 49.
Okay, that's good.
You'll hear us talking a lot that sometimes
it's not about ages, it's about seasons.
Some people are like, oh, at what age should I date?
Well, it depends on what season you're in.
You have two daughters and he doesn't have any children.
He says he's not interested in having children,
but I feel some kind of insecurity
because of the age difference
and the fact that he doesn't have children.
What if he changes his mind later on?
Give me some suggestions or thoughts.
Okay, I don't know if you're able to unmute,
but let me, and if you can't,
if you can type in the response.
Okay, so how long have y'all been talking?
Have you been on a first date?
I don't know if you're able to jump in.
I'm giving you a minute.
Because here's the thing, ladies.
These are good questions.
If this is beginning stages,
we're gonna slow it down
because we're just getting to know somebody.
When we start projecting on what possibly might happen,
like I have children, they don't,
what if they change their mind?
We haven't even gotten through some of the get to know you.
We don't even know if there's someone
that is in alignment with us.
Like, do we get along?
Do we have some things in common?
Do we enjoy being around each other?
Those things are going to be important.
And so that's when I want you ladies to slow down
in these beginning stages
of when you're getting to know someone.
It's these questions of, but what if this?
What if that?
We're gonna slow it back.
You're just getting to know someone right now.
Let all of the other stuff work itself out.
And I know that we were in a rush
because we just don't wanna waste time.
But if you were on earlier, I said,
you are going to waste more time stressing about things
or not getting more information and slowing down,
you're gonna waste more time in the end.
So I would hang tight for just a minute.
He's 44 years old.
Um, your two daughters.
Another question I'm gonna have is how old are your kids?
Okay, you've been talking for two weeks.
Are your kids grown and out of the house?
Or are they still living with you?
And like school age?
Okay, so you still have a 15 year old
and they're living with you.
Okay, so that's gonna be important.
So again, like these aren't,
you're not gonna want to ask a bunch of questions about that.
This is, you're just aware I have children.
He doesn't want children.
As we get to know each other,
if I'm seeing things of, you know,
I enjoy this person, I wanna get to know them more.
As we continue to get to know each other
after a couple dates,
we're gonna need to bring that into light.
So hey, as we're getting to know each other,
I'm curious, I have a 15 year old.
Have you ever thought about what that would look like?
Have you ever dated anybody that had kids?
You're not gonna ask those questions in the beginning
on those first couple dates.
You're just asking those surface level,
who are they, what's their life like?
Like we're not doing the deep dive stuff,
like the future stuff.
You're just getting to know them.
Are you compatible?
Do you enjoy who they are when you show up?
Do you feel like you can be yourself?
So yeah, you have things in common and some interests.
That's great.
Is he aware of, is he aware of the age difference?
I mean, I don't think the age difference really is an issue.
I would,
I would ask yourself, what's the root of the insecurity of the age difference?
Is it because, you know, you're afraid he's going to want kids and you know you're done
having children?
And so he says he doesn't mind at all.
So yeah, you have to take people for what they say.
He has an obligation to share honestly with you just as you have the opportunity to be
honest with him as you're getting to know people.
So it's not on you to determine if he's going to change his mind.
That's him.
He gets to decide if he's going to be honest with you.
And so if he's telling you, look, I'm, I'm okay with that.
I'm okay not having, there are men out there that they're okay not having kids.
They're okay just being, you know, bonus stats.
I had the same questions and concerns too, because I was in my late, my late thirties.
And so I, um, I wanted to have more kids.
I was afraid if I would be able to at my age, cause I'm like, I can't predict that.
And so I would get nervous of if I'm dating someone younger and they want kids and then
what if I can't, and here's the thing is you're going to spend so much time worrying about
all of that.
And it's, it's not even, it's not even necessary.
I thought I wanted to have more kids and that's what I was looking for.
And then I met my husband and he couldn't have more kids, but he had kids from his
last marriage.
And so I got more kids.
It just looked differently than what I thought it was going to be.
And so I had been sitting here worried.
What if I can't, what if I can't, what if I want this?
And God already knew what that was going to look like.
And so I would encourage you just for right now, two weeks in, enjoy the process of getting
to know someone new, get an in-person date if they're nearby, spend some time video calling
if they're not, get to know them, get some dates under your belt with them and see where
that leads.
But right now in that two week period, you do not have to have all of those answered.
And again, he's telling you he's fine with the age and he's like, if he's like, I don't
want kids, then guess what?
Take him for what he says.
He says if he changes his mind or if he wasn't being honest with you in the beginning, then
that's on him and you don't have to carry that.
All right, so hopefully that helped.
All right, ladies, it was wonderful chatting with you.
I see you, Cynthia.
I responded.
I know I'll have to look at my schedule and see what's available because I know you were
asking about a one on one.
If you are able to, were you able to look under the resource tab and click, were you
able to get onto that link to look at my schedule?
And yeah, no, but it was the stock today was was gone when I was looking earlier, I could
book it because it said, you know, if the coach is available, you'll you won't get a
refund for your money.
I thought, oh, OK, let me just check.
No, no, I'll just buy it and reschedule.
But yeah, if you pick something scheduled now, if I like there have been times like
I'm going to actually when you said that, I'm like, oh, I've got to go double check
and make sure that my schedule is up to date because my Gmail calendar doesn't link with
my family calendar.
And so so I have to sometimes go and look, but I'm pretty good about it.
So that's where I was going to have to look just to make sure even my tomorrow schedule,
because I have a few appointments, but I'll go in and look that there.
What they're saying is appointment might book and we might be, oh, we're not available.
We're going to have to reschedule it.
But anytime I've had to reschedule, I'm pretty flexible.
But like I said, like if it's blocked out, it's because there's not given us enough time
in advance.
But if you look at that and it says that it's available, book it because it will we'll get
it on the calendar.
Does that make sense?
OK, so if I want to book something for tomorrow, which is still less than 48 hours in
advance, that's fine, because I change that personally, because for some people, they
want the 48 hours.
Notice me personally.
I'm like, I think I put mine at eight hours notice.
I'm like, yeah, I can stay at eight hours notice.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
It was only me booking it for today, this morning,
but I just got nervous because I just thought,
well, if it's not up to date and you aren't able to do it,
it will get canceled and I won't get the $125 back,
you know what I'm saying?
No, and that's very, very rare.
It would be like a canceling,
you booked it and then you forgot to cancel it
and we didn't know and we were sitting on the call
waiting for you and that's when it's like,
okay, that's when people can't get refunded
is when they are not given the, but again.
Okay, this is very strictly, for any reason,
capitalized, it's all like, okay.
I know.
We just have to cover our bases there,
but I will say it's a really smooth process.
Like I've had to, you know, I've had to change some things.
I've had some of them be like, oh, hey, I booked this call,
but I actually, this time works better.
Can that work for you?
I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, totally.
That actually works better for me.
And so we're able to figure all of that out.
Okay, so then I'll see you back in the book for tomorrow.
Okay, sounds good.
I look forward to it.
Yep.
Perfect, awesome.
Thank you.
All right, ladies, have a great rest of your day
and jump on tonight with Ebony.
She'll be covering the same thing,
the flags, the red, the yellow, the green,
all the discernment, all the good things, okay?
Have a great rest of your day, ladies.