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All right. Well, welcome, ladies. We're so happy to have you. It is June 23rd. This is

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the 1 o'clock Eastern Love Story Accelerator Phase 2 check-in call. I'm Carla Johnson.

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I'm one of your coaches here at Last Year Single along with Ebony. I heard last week

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you had an incredible session with Ebony. Ebony and I, we spent some time catching up

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a few days ago. I think we were on the phone for like three hours. And so I was really

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excited to hear what she was able to come and bless you all with last Tuesday. Such

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a good teaching. We were able to unpack so much together. And then we're in the works

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of putting together some more teachings for the future here. I've got the Modern Dating

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Sucks book that Jackie has put out. So I am about to dive into that and hopefully

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we can pull some good content from there and kind of dive a little deeper. Now, she is

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doing another book club. So if you were not able to join the first one that just ended,

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that second one starts, I believe, today. So no. Was it yesterday? That's what I thought.

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I've got my days all mixed up. Last week was a handful. We had our last baseball tournament

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for my son and it was insane. It was a week long. But he's now in Michigan with his dad

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while I'm here in Texas. So I'm just trying to get grounded again. I had to kind of take

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a sabbatical for a few days. So I'm getting back into the swing of things. So yes, that

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was yesterday. But if you want to join that book club, definitely check out the resource

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tab because that information will be there. A couple more things here for housekeeping.

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Do I have anybody brand new? I don't think I see anybody. Oh, Jennifer. Hi, Jennifer.

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You know, I recognize you because I think it was when I was helping out in phase one.

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That's what it is. I'm like, oh, I remember her. I just haven't seen her in a while. It's

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because you were in phase one. And then I was when I was jumping in. So welcome to phase two.

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I'm so happy to have you here. So glad to have you here. So yeah, just a couple things on these

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live calls we do. It's just a check in. So myself and Ebony, we typically try to spend some time

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just doing some coaching from whatever we're seeing kind of show up in the chat in the app.

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We kind of dive into what what we're we're recognizing. Many ladies are asking.

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We do focus a little bit more on dating, but that doesn't mean you have to be dating in this

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phase. OK, especially when you first join. If you were like me, I was really hesitant to jump

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into dating right off right off the bat. But it's it's just a great way to absorb information

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of, you know, now that you've got the heartwork, OK, you've gotten some healing under your belt.

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And now how are you going to approach dating differently? Because it will look different.

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And then what you've healed in phase one, there will be more healing that will take place in

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phase two and beyond. OK, so heartwork just doesn't stop just because we're out of phase one.

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It continues in the dating process. It'll continue in your relationships. It will. I mean,

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not just relationships in dating. It will it will. You know, we'll have heartwork in

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relationships of our family or co-workers or our kids. All of that stuff will surface. And so

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when you start dating, you're going to start seeing some things come to surface

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that weren't able to come to surface in phase one because you weren't practicing dating. And so

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that's why we have this community here. It's why we kind of put you here before having you

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go into phase three, which is a much bigger community where people are at all levels of

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dating. This can phase to get your feet wet. OK, kind of gives you a little springboard,

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if you will, before, you know, just to kind of get get doing things differently, using those muscles

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differently or using muscles that maybe you haven't used before. And so that's what our

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phase two is mostly about. We do ask that you stay here at least a minimum of five weeks.

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I always encourage a little longer. You know, I say, you know, eight to 10 weeks is probably good

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if you are intentionally engaging in the content, showing up to the lives,

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showing up on the app, communicating with us what's going on. I have a lot of

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ladies that they wait to date and so they'll stay here and even a little bit

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longer and they'll learn and glean from other women and then they will start

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dating and then they'll spend a month to two months dating and then decide to go

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to phase three. So we just ask at least five weeks the videos all that all that

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jazz okay if you ladies are interested in more detailed coaching okay we do

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have in the resource tab we do have one-on-one coaching available okay that

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is an additional charge it's not included with your membership it's a 50

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minute session with any one of our coaches that you choose okay all of our

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our schedules are up there I know Cynthia I just saw in the app you had a

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question about today I don't know what my schedule looks like for today but

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ladies when you go in there I do know that our schedules get blocked off

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because they they have it in that system to where we need so many hours in

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advance so if you're trying to book a call in the next two or three hours our

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schedule I mean even if we had the availability it won't show up in that

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because they we just just because if we don't think we have something on the

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schedule and we don't catch our email or catch the notification that someone's

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booked a call with us plus you'll fill out an intake form that will make the

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best out of our 50 minutes and so the more detail that you add in that intake

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form the better because we can really get to some detail in those 50 minutes

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otherwise that 50 minutes can be used for kind of just getting all the

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background stuff and so that's where you can just type your novels in okay I

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know ladies will send me something they're like I'm so sorry I sent so much

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and I'm like oh this is nothing like the more the better and then us coaches I

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know speaking for myself I will go and look at those intake forms and I spend a

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decent amount of time in prayer looking those over and really and then even if

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you pull if you put things in app I'm gonna pull stuff from that and kind of

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just spend time in prayer over what it is that you're seeking as far as coaching

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because I want you to get the best out of your 50 minutes okay so that is

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available I do want to share it is not mandatory one-on-one coaching is not

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mandatory to get breakthrough okay it is there as a resource okay some women find

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that it is very very helpful other women are like I just I can't do that but

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here's the thing if that's not for you but you can intentionally come into this

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community show up to these live calls show up in the app ask your questions

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you know process through there you will get breakthrough I promise you okay so

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don't think that oh only the women that are doing one-on-one coaching are

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getting breakthrough because that's not the case okay can it help absolutely I

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think I covered everything the book club our resource tab the coaching I briefed

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us on some of the insight for our new new people here that might be watching

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and replay as well so let's go ahead and I'm gonna go ahead and pray us in and

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then we will get started I'm gonna talk well let's just I'm gonna go ahead and

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pray okay oh thank you Heavenly Father thank you for bringing each and every

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one of these women here with us today Lord I thank you for the work that

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you're doing in each and every one of their hearts and my heart included Lord

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I just ask that you know you continue to search our hearts especially in those

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places where we might feel uncertain where there might be stretching or

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anything that's unfinished Lord I know that you want us healed more than you

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want us married and so your desire is for complete redemption in our healing

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and that is part of our love story Lord and I just thank you for that Lord I

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ask that you just your spirit be present in this conversation today Lord I ask

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that we just slow down enough to be able to hear your voice especially above any

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fear or anxiety over any overthinking any of our past experiences because

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Lord you know the past experiences that each and every one of us have

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experienced so Lord I just ask that we be able to silence those past

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experiences and press into your voice so that we don't have to have this

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pressure to figure everything out that you are partnering with us

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You're giving us the eyes to see clearly and our hearts to remain open to what it is that you want to speak to our hearts, Lord, in your wisdom.

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Lord, today, as we talk about green flags and yellow flags and the red flags that show up in dating,

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help us to discern what is truly there rather than reacting out of fear or fantasy.

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Where we've been quick to dismiss something that might be healthy, I ask that you help us bring clarity to that.

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If we've ignored something, Lord, I ask that you bring us wisdom.

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And if there's somewhere where we need more information, Lord, give us the patience to trust the process

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and allow the time to reveal what needs to be revealed and that you'll show us what needs to be seen when we need to see it.

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We don't have to operate out of fear.

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Lord, help us to remember that discernment is not having all the answers right away,

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but it's about staying connected to you, pressing into you, paying attention to what it is that you are speaking to us,

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trusting that you are faithful, that you will guide us in each step that we take.

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And any forward motion that we take is good motion and that you are quick to recalculate our steps if we're out of alignment, Lord.

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Lord, I ask that you just teach us to be observers, observe patterns and to be curious and to surrender what needs our control and trust that you are in control.

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Lord, again, I just thank you for this community.

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I thank you for all the women that are here, that show up, that are engaged, that ask questions, that allow you to do such a deep work in their hearts.

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It's their deep work that they're doing in their hearts that's also bringing breakthrough to others, Lord.

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And I just thank you for that.

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I thank you for their vulnerability.

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And I thank you for this being a safe place for them to feel safe, to be vulnerable.

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That this is a place that healing and growth and wisdom and encouragement and breakthrough can truly flourish.

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Just continue to be with us.

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Remind us that our goal is not just to simply figure people out and figure out is he my husband or not, but that we're stepping in alignment of who you've created us to be.

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That we're not just wives, Lord, that we're not just brides, but we're women who trust you deeply.

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Continue to direct our path in that.

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Continue to help us surrender our hearts, our dating journeys, our desires, and anything in our future.

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And put that in your hands, Lord Jesus.

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It's in your name we pray.

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Amen.

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All right.

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I've got lots going on in the chat.

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I'm going to catch up on that here in just a minute.

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Okay, so today I wanted to go over flags because I know this is definitely a question that comes up is, well, what's a red flag?

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What's a green flag?

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What's a yellow flag?

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And so I know that there can be sometimes some confusion on that.

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And I also recognize that it's really easy to get confused.

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And so, ladies, I want you to think about like a stoplight right now.

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Okay, we all drive.

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We all, you know, been in a car before.

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Like, we all know green means what?

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Go, right?

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And a red light means what?

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Stop.

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Now, depending on what part of the country you're in, yellow might mean speed up or slow down.

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Sorry, Dana, I didn't mean.

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Here in Texas, it means put the gas on.

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And even when it's slightly red, it's like, hey, it's only a few seconds red.

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You still have a clear shot.

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But yellow should mean, hey, slow down, okay?

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But I want you to think about it for a second.

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What if we didn't know what those meant?

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What if, you know, green meant stop?

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What if yellow meant stop?

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What if red meant, okay, maybe we can go?

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We get really confused.

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Like, it'd be chaos.

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And I know in some areas.

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areas like I said Texas being one of them like a stoplight and an intersection can look

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like dating like we have no idea what color it is and what we're supposed to be doing

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let alone what are these people over here doing okay and so I just want to ground us

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a little bit in this recognizing flax so that we can date a little more with ease okay

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and so what I recognize in this community and just in my own dating journey and then

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even in this coaching journey you know walking and partnering with you ladies in this process

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is a lot of times what happens is we take yellow flags and we're overreacting to yellow flags

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we're making yellow flags red flags when they're just yellow flags

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or we're coming across some red flags and we're overlooking them all together

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or we see green flags and we've never seen a green flag and so it freaks us out so

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to us it means stop this is unfamiliar so we're not really sure how to engage in these

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kinds of flags and so I think today will be really good as we kind of

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just kind of dig a little deeper here with the flags okay so

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what happens is a lot of times women will see a yellow flag and it feels really scary

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so they're going to stop they're going to make that yellow flag red or like I said that green

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flag it feels unfamiliar so it's like it's going to get overlooked we're going to sit here and try

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to be still scoping out the red flags but we're not seeing any of the green flags because we don't

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we've never seen them before they're unfamiliar so kind of gets overlooked

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so kind of gets overlooked or those red flags this is a big one that I see red flags will feel

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really exciting and familiar especially those past experiences it's something that we're used to

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and so what happens is we kind of explain those away

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we kind of want to see what we want to see we feel familiar with what the red flag is showing us but

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it feels safe because we it's familiar and so we're going to explain it and not really call

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it out as a red flag and that's why I always encourage you ladies the best advice I can

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give in this community is bring all the dating details to us here in this community

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write the books write the novels let us know what's happening

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in these dating scenarios and I know that can get scary

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okay because it requires a little bit of vulnerability but like I was sharing earlier

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like this is a safe place okay we've been at this now it's been almost what it'll be six years

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six years in October okay and I've been here since the beginning y'all the vulnerability

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and the sharing is where the breakthrough happens it really is so I want let's start here

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not every concern is going to be a red flag okay so write that down every concern is not

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going to be a red flag you'll hear Jackie say this all the time we all have yellow flags

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there's no healthy person out there that doesn't have a yellow flag

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we all have growth somewhere

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okay so some examples of some yellow flags that we might see in dating especially with men

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some early suggestions sorry I got sidetracked from the chat there

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if a man communicates differently than you some of us might see that as a red flag when really it's

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just hey that might be a concern but it's not necessarily a red flag the guy shows up on a

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date and he's really nervous we might be like you know he does he's nervous he doesn't ask me

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questions on a date and we might like I don't I want someone who's going to be you know able to

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have conversation with me well yeah like we all do like that may not happen in the beginning that

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it's not that it doesn't need to be looked at it just doesn't need to be looked at

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it just doesn't need to be looked at it just doesn't need to be looked at

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just may not be a red flag to put the stop,

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like it's not the stop sign.

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It's just a, okay, like I need to observe a little more.

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I need to see what's happening here.

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Yes, it is okay to get nervous on a FaceTime conversation,

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100%, and yes, especially, I don't know,

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like it has taken me many, many years

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to get comfortable being on camera, okay?

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When I first joined this community, we had to go,

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like it wasn't, we didn't have an app.

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We had, you know, a Facebook community group,

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and we would be prompted to go and do live calls,

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like not live calls, live videos,

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like literally click live and just talk live.

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Like I couldn't go and edit what I said,

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like, and people could join when I was like talking live,

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and that got, I had to get comfortable with that,

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like seeing my face on the camera,

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like I was like, oh, this is really nerve-wracking,

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and so it's normal to get nervous.

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You know, it's taken me many, many years to now,

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like, I mean, I would even have to be like,

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I can't show my face if my makeup's not on,

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and like now today, you get me like,

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literally, I comb my hair,

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but I didn't put any makeup on today

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because I'm just hanging with my girls, all right?

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But before, like I'd be really self-conscious about that.

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Okay, now, if you ladies are doing a video date with a guy,

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I'm gonna suggest that you not come not ready, okay?

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It doesn't mean you have to be glammed up, okay,

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but you want to be presentable, okay?

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But yeah, it's totally okay to be nervous, 100%.

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And, you know, if you have like,

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you get nervous and you're like,

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you don't know what to say,

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I would even encourage you to give yourself some Post-its

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by your, wherever you're doing your call,

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or some notes where you have like questions ready to go.

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I love like, would you rather questions for dates,

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for getting to know people.

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And you can go and Google just, you know,

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getting to know you questions.

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You know, those, what do we call them?

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Surface level, like we're not deep diving.

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We're not having deep dive conversations with these guys.

250
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We're just surface level, fun, easy breezy,

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get to know you, okay?

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And if you're Googling any of it, just be cautious,

253
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because not everything's going to be from a Christian lens.

254
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You know what I mean?

255
00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:53.000
I've had some of those things pop up.

256
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Believe it or not, we had a community call years ago,

257
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and we had the men and the women,

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and we did like an icebreaker.

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And someone that was leading the call

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pulled real quick some like icebreaker questions.

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And one of them was like really inappropriate.

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And it was like, we didn't, we didn't scan that.

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Like we didn't really like filter that one.

264
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And so it kind of, it created a little bit of a laugh.

265
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You know, there were some people

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that were a little like upset about it,

267
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but most people in the community were understanding of it.

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But yeah, you definitely want to filter,

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okay, whatever you're looking up online,

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especially for first date questions.

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Okay, I'm getting off a tangent here,

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so I don't want to, I want to get back on track here.

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So the main thing here is just remember,

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like everyone has a growth area.

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Difference isn't danger.

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It doesn't mean, just because you see something different

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doesn't mean it's dangerous.

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Because a weakness doesn't automatically mean

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that it makes someone wrong.

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We all have weaknesses.

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What we need to be looking for is how does the person

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respond more than the issue itself?

283
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Because you'll see some things that will get revealed

284
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and you'll want to zero focus on that thing.

285
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I don't want you ladies focusing on that thing.

286
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I want you to watch and observe how do they respond.

287
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A question you can be asking

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when you are in these beginning stages

289
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and you're just like trying to discern,

290
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give an example of what?

291
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Responding to how they respond.

292
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Okay.

293
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Versus like, what are they responding to?

294
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Yes.

295
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:09.280
Okay. Yes. Okay. Um, okay. So let me think here. Um, so let's say, let's go to the one

296
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where like, they might be nervous. Okay. Shows up on a first date. Really, really nervous

297
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shows up on a second date, still a little nervous. You can have the conversation and

298
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be like, Hey, I noticed that, you know, you seem a little nervous. I'm really nervous

299
00:25:27.360 --> 00:25:33.660
too. You know, and, and see if that kind of lightens things up, you know, you're just

300
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observing and just being like, Hey, um, I noticed that, you know, you don't ask a lot

301
00:25:38.440 --> 00:25:45.240
of questions. Um, is there a reason for that? It's about getting curious, asking curiosity,

302
00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:52.920
okay. And seeing how do they respond, um, in a sense of, um, and I think we'll go at

303
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this, this will be in the next section that I kind of cover. So let's, I'm going to, I'm

304
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going to finish this, this little section up. And then I want to move into that one.

305
00:26:01.760 --> 00:26:07.320
Cause I think that will help answer your question. Okay. Um, but I want to get to these coach,

306
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these reflective questions that I want you ladies to be thinking about when you start

307
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recognizing things and you're like, Oh, this is something that could be a flag, whether

308
00:26:18.800 --> 00:26:25.800
it's green, yellow, red, I want you to ask yourself, am I seeing danger or am I seeing

309
00:26:25.800 --> 00:26:40.480
difference? Am I seeing danger or am I seeing different? They could be responding differently

310
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than how I would respond. They could be responding differently than what I've seen. Is it dangerous

311
00:26:47.320 --> 00:26:56.880
or is it just, I'm not used to this or this is not how I would respond. That's all you

312
00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:03.080
need to be asking yourself at that point. Okay. Again, this doesn't mean you gloss over

313
00:27:03.080 --> 00:27:12.000
anything that you feel is a concern. We just don't want you reacting and responding immediately

314
00:27:12.080 --> 00:27:19.520
out of that. We want you to slow it down and really spend some time processing. Okay, hold

315
00:27:19.520 --> 00:27:27.280
on. Is this danger or is this something different? What information do I need or do I need any

316
00:27:27.280 --> 00:27:36.040
information at all? Cause ladies, you will come across some red flags, you will. And there's

317
00:27:36.040 --> 00:27:41.480
ladies that will come across red flags and they will excuse them away. And when that happens,

318
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I have had to pull some major band-aids off and like, no, this is a red flag and this is not safe.

319
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We're concerned with your safety. I literally had a conversation, this is probably like a year or

320
00:27:56.200 --> 00:28:01.080
two ago. We had to basically tell someone like, you need to get a restraining order on this man.

321
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And she just kept wanting to go back. And I was like, no, we can't advise you to keep going back

322
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because this is some abusive behavior that we're seeing. I mean, that was, that's a hard,

323
00:28:15.840 --> 00:28:23.880
that's a hard conversation to have. It's a hard conversation to receive. But I say that because

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ladies, if there's a red flag, we're going to let you know. But we can't let you know if you're not

325
00:28:33.760 --> 00:28:41.680
disclosing all the details with us. Okay. So those are the questions you need to be asking for that.

326
00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:46.240
So let's go, let's jump into this yellow flag. I want to kind of dig in deeper that way. Yellow

327
00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:55.560
flags are just, is invitations for observation. Again, yellow just means slow down. Okay. Not

328
00:28:55.560 --> 00:29:01.640
like you're in Texas, don't speed up. Okay. If you're an anxious attacher, don't speed up. Don't

329
00:29:01.640 --> 00:29:06.520
speed up with those yellow flags. I got to get through this. I got to make this man my husband.

330
00:29:06.520 --> 00:29:15.040
No, we going to slow it down. Okay. And we just want to pay attention. This is where we're going

331
00:29:15.040 --> 00:29:19.480
to start looking around and we're just going to sit with it and we're going to gather the

332
00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:30.000
information. These yellow flags, believe it or not, they can turn green. If the man is aware,

333
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teachable, and willing to grow. That's what we're looking for. So Sarah, I don't know if

334
00:29:36.520 --> 00:29:42.200
that helps you. Like those are the responses that we're looking for. Is when we slow down,

335
00:29:42.200 --> 00:29:49.600
are we seeing mature, masculine, like are we seeing the accountability? Are we seeing the

336
00:29:49.600 --> 00:29:58.000
ownership? Are we seeing the teachable heart? Like that, that's what we're looking for. Because

337
00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:00.000
we're looking at how does it, how does someone.

338
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.800
respond is what's going to matter most.

339
00:30:05.540 --> 00:30:08.260
How they respond, especially because here's the thing,

340
00:30:08.760 --> 00:30:10.840
I don't know about you all, but.

341
00:30:10.920 --> 00:30:12.800
I've like.

342
00:30:13.100 --> 00:30:16.300
Shown some red flag behavior before, too, where I've just flew off

343
00:30:16.300 --> 00:30:18.520
the deep end and snapped.

344
00:30:19.600 --> 00:30:23.520
And I'm like, oh, my gosh, that is like not good.

345
00:30:24.180 --> 00:30:27.320
Now, if I ignored that.

346
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:32.480
People that are in a relationship with me.

347
00:30:34.520 --> 00:30:36.740
That wouldn't be healthy.

348
00:30:37.160 --> 00:30:40.740
If they're if I'm ignoring it and they're not bringing it to my attention

349
00:30:41.320 --> 00:30:46.420
or they do recognize that I'm having some really red flag responses

350
00:30:46.420 --> 00:30:48.500
and not willing to own my side of the street,

351
00:30:48.760 --> 00:30:50.760
then I'm not invested in that relationship.

352
00:30:51.840 --> 00:30:53.760
And they're going to want to be like

353
00:30:53.760 --> 00:30:56.680
they're going to need to assess that maybe this relationship

354
00:30:56.680 --> 00:30:58.720
isn't working for me.

355
00:31:00.300 --> 00:31:04.980
Or maybe I need to put up some boundaries in this relationship.

356
00:31:04.980 --> 00:31:07.280
Maybe I don't need to be as close to this person.

357
00:31:08.140 --> 00:31:10.320
I mean, because there's some people that we can't get away

358
00:31:10.320 --> 00:31:12.160
like, especially working relationships.

359
00:31:12.160 --> 00:31:15.280
There's some people like they're just unhealthy people.

360
00:31:15.860 --> 00:31:19.740
And we had to put up some serious boundaries and we can't avoid them.

361
00:31:19.740 --> 00:31:22.700
We can't like just stop Hank, like stop working with them

362
00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:25.120
because our boss won't let us,

363
00:31:25.460 --> 00:31:29.160
you know, and so we have to just discern, OK,

364
00:31:29.460 --> 00:31:32.740
these are unhealthy patterns in them.

365
00:31:33.160 --> 00:31:34.580
I don't have to pick it up.

366
00:31:34.580 --> 00:31:37.080
I can create some boundaries.

367
00:31:37.080 --> 00:31:40.300
I just am not going to allow myself to cross certain lines.

368
00:31:40.800 --> 00:31:43.640
I'm going to like I'm going to keep myself safe

369
00:31:43.640 --> 00:31:46.220
and God is going to help me discern what I need to do.

370
00:31:47.380 --> 00:31:49.680
OK, I don't have to get a fearful reaction.

371
00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:53.520
So. That is going to like.

372
00:31:54.440 --> 00:31:57.820
If a man is going to.

373
00:31:58.680 --> 00:32:02.480
React in like a resistance

374
00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:07.120
or a defensive or refusing to grow, there's going to be aggression there.

375
00:32:08.500 --> 00:32:11.960
If you see that pattern.

376
00:32:12.460 --> 00:32:14.160
That's a red flag.

377
00:32:17.660 --> 00:32:20.340
So Jackie's going to teach and you're going to hear this a lot.

378
00:32:21.840 --> 00:32:24.180
Throughout as you remain in this program,

379
00:32:24.740 --> 00:32:26.880
yellow flags will often become green

380
00:32:26.880 --> 00:32:28.800
when someone's aware, teachable and willing to grow.

381
00:32:28.800 --> 00:32:31.180
And I think I said that a little bit earlier.

382
00:32:31.180 --> 00:32:36.440
They become red when there's resistance, defensiveness and refusal to grow.

383
00:32:39.480 --> 00:32:42.520
And y'all, some people are going to be like, oh, yeah, I'm really sorry.

384
00:32:43.900 --> 00:32:46.240
And then they go back to doing the same thing again.

385
00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:47.860
And that's what that's another thing.

386
00:32:47.860 --> 00:32:50.400
We're looking at patterns.

387
00:32:50.540 --> 00:32:53.840
OK, you might want to give a pass

388
00:32:54.080 --> 00:32:58.340
depending on the the dynamic of what you're dealing with.

389
00:33:00.220 --> 00:33:02.260
And just be like, OK, maybe that's a one off.

390
00:33:02.260 --> 00:33:04.900
But if you start seeing a pattern of consistency

391
00:33:04.900 --> 00:33:09.440
where they are responding with defensiveness, they're not open to growing.

392
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:12.700
They're they're, you know, maybe having some manipulative behavior.

393
00:33:12.700 --> 00:33:17.080
Maybe they're they're gaslighting you and trying to make it look like it was on you.

394
00:33:17.360 --> 00:33:19.400
Like, pay attention to those things.

395
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:22.320
Those are red flags.

396
00:33:22.320 --> 00:33:26.500
If you bring up an issue and then they start kind of putting it back on you.

397
00:33:27.780 --> 00:33:31.380
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, but you know, but when you did this and did it

398
00:33:31.380 --> 00:33:34.460
and then oh, if you wouldn't do well, hold on.

399
00:33:36.180 --> 00:33:38.760
Doesn't mean that there's not ownership on your part.

400
00:33:39.960 --> 00:33:43.680
But. Are they constantly

401
00:33:44.100 --> 00:33:47.480
pointing out your stuff and ignoring theirs?

402
00:33:47.480 --> 00:33:49.400
That's a pattern.

403
00:33:51.280 --> 00:33:56.780
And, yeah, we we hope to see those red flags sooner rather than later, 100 percent.

404
00:33:58.780 --> 00:34:02.820
But again, when we've

405
00:34:03.820 --> 00:34:07.160
are looking through the lenses that we have experienced.

406
00:34:08.420 --> 00:34:14.000
If we're looking through fear, fantasy or our past experiences,

407
00:34:14.960 --> 00:34:18.960
we might not always see those flags clearly ourselves.

408
00:34:18.980 --> 00:34:24.860
Y'all, my son's biological father had a lot of red flags.

409
00:34:26.000 --> 00:34:33.120
I overlooked them all because I was selfishly just wanting to be in relationship.

410
00:34:33.920 --> 00:34:36.080
And I know many of you ladies can relate to that.

411
00:34:36.080 --> 00:34:38.580
OK, I see it. And I've been there.

412
00:34:40.080 --> 00:34:41.080
We want to be married.

413
00:34:41.080 --> 00:34:43.179
We want to have companionship.

414
00:34:43.179 --> 00:34:45.760
We're tired of looking, you know,

415
00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:48.820
we're getting older, like you just get to a point where you're like,

416
00:34:48.820 --> 00:34:53.320
you're just I just want somebody and you look at the good qualities

417
00:34:53.320 --> 00:34:56.360
and you're just like, I'm just going to focus on the good qualities.

418
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.880
that we ignore all of the all of the bad qualities, the unhealthy ones.

419
00:35:06.340 --> 00:35:09.940
OK, and again, it doesn't mean that you're going to have a perfect man

420
00:35:09.940 --> 00:35:12.380
that you're going to marry.

421
00:35:12.380 --> 00:35:14.600
Ladies, I want you to get that out of your head right now.

422
00:35:15.140 --> 00:35:17.140
There is no such thing as perfect man.

423
00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:21.340
You're going to get into marriage and you're going to think,

424
00:35:22.040 --> 00:35:25.440
oh, I've arrived, and then reality is going to hit.

425
00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:30.380
And then you're going to be like, what did I do?

426
00:35:31.580 --> 00:35:34.420
And that's just part of the growing process.

427
00:35:34.480 --> 00:35:37.720
OK, that's why learning this stuff now

428
00:35:37.820 --> 00:35:40.380
as a single is going to prepare you for marriage.

429
00:35:42.240 --> 00:35:45.180
Because you're going to get yellow flags on dating, because guess what?

430
00:35:45.220 --> 00:35:47.440
There's going to be flags and you're going to have things to work out

431
00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:48.580
with your husband, and guess what?

432
00:35:48.580 --> 00:35:50.720
You're going to show flags to your husband.

433
00:35:52.380 --> 00:35:55.020
You got flags, too.

434
00:35:55.060 --> 00:35:57.160
I got a list of flags.

435
00:35:57.600 --> 00:36:01.720
So it's just being able to to recognize those things.

436
00:36:02.920 --> 00:36:04.800
And so I want you to be asking yourself,

437
00:36:06.020 --> 00:36:07.560
what matters most?

438
00:36:07.560 --> 00:36:10.600
Is it the issue or is it how someone responds to the issue?

439
00:36:12.360 --> 00:36:14.800
That's what we're looking at.

440
00:36:14.800 --> 00:36:17.720
Is the issue matter more?

441
00:36:18.760 --> 00:36:21.300
Or how they respond?

442
00:36:21.300 --> 00:36:22.900
That matters.

443
00:36:23.400 --> 00:36:25.540
Remember, yellow flags are not verdicts.

444
00:36:26.040 --> 00:36:28.400
They're just an invitation to watch and observe.

445
00:36:33.500 --> 00:36:36.680
So now let's jump into red flags.

446
00:36:37.180 --> 00:36:40.700
Red flags, like I mentioned earlier, those are going to be patterns.

447
00:36:43.180 --> 00:36:47.200
OK, you're going to see it consistently over time, and again,

448
00:36:47.200 --> 00:36:51.200
this is why when you ladies are like, oh, I went on one date

449
00:36:51.240 --> 00:36:53.840
and it was, you know.

450
00:36:53.840 --> 00:36:54.840
He had all these red flags.

451
00:36:54.840 --> 00:36:56.880
OK, some of them, yes.

452
00:36:56.880 --> 00:37:00.480
Like these guys that are talking about sex and, you know, getting touchy

453
00:37:00.480 --> 00:37:02.900
feel it, yeah, like we're not doing that.

454
00:37:04.540 --> 00:37:07.600
But some of these men that show up

455
00:37:08.300 --> 00:37:11.540
and might act a certain way that you might be unfamiliar with.

456
00:37:12.400 --> 00:37:16.340
Maybe they're nervous or, you know, who knows?

457
00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:20.300
Maybe they didn't pay for your pay for your marriage or maybe they did.

458
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:27.180
I mean, I've had ladies that were like offended that a guy

459
00:37:28.100 --> 00:37:32.600
like wanted to take them to like a nice place or take them somewhere

460
00:37:32.600 --> 00:37:34.900
that the woman didn't say that she wanted to go.

461
00:37:35.280 --> 00:37:37.500
I'm like, man, there's women out there that are like

462
00:37:37.500 --> 00:37:40.840
they just want the man to plan the date and hear a man plan the date.

463
00:37:40.840 --> 00:37:43.180
And it wasn't what the woman wanted.

464
00:37:43.180 --> 00:37:44.840
Like that happens.

465
00:37:44.840 --> 00:37:47.000
OK, we all have our own little stuff, OK?

466
00:37:47.240 --> 00:37:49.940
And I'm not I'm not dogging that because, look, we all like

467
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:52.780
we all have something.

468
00:37:53.080 --> 00:37:56.680
But I want I'm sharing that to say.

469
00:37:58.020 --> 00:38:04.680
We're sometimes quick to sit here and see one behavior on a date

470
00:38:04.680 --> 00:38:09.180
or in a phone call and immediately say it's a red flag.

471
00:38:09.820 --> 00:38:12.380
And we don't even know if it's a pattern or not.

472
00:38:14.680 --> 00:38:18.740
So the patterns are going to be

473
00:38:19.140 --> 00:38:22.280
what you're really looking for, not just that moment.

474
00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:25.280
Again, that doesn't mean that there are not some that are like

475
00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:28.480
immediately shut it down, like I said, the sexual stuff.

476
00:38:29.380 --> 00:38:31.120
Absolutely.

477
00:38:31.120 --> 00:38:34.780
If they are raging you and then being like straight up,

478
00:38:34.780 --> 00:38:38.620
just condescending to you, like there's just things that then it's a no.

479
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:41.520
OK, I'm not sitting there saying that they're not going to be that.

480
00:38:42.240 --> 00:38:45.420
But come in community and we can talk and walk through that,

481
00:38:45.420 --> 00:38:46.060
because here's the thing.

482
00:38:46.060 --> 00:38:50.760
If you put a red flag up and cut someone off, we'll talk about it.

483
00:38:50.800 --> 00:38:53.120
Doesn't mean that you made a mistake.

484
00:38:53.120 --> 00:38:55.500
If if there was something that you could have done differently,

485
00:38:55.500 --> 00:38:57.160
we're going to learn and grow from it.

486
00:38:57.160 --> 00:39:00.420
Doesn't mean that you have to go back and change it because you can't.

487
00:39:00.520 --> 00:39:01.920
And that's fine.

488
00:39:02.460 --> 00:39:04.900
You're not going to mess up your spirit, mate.

489
00:39:04.900 --> 00:39:08.020
You just won't. OK.

490
00:39:08.020 --> 00:39:10.760
All of these things are just all a growing and learning process.

491
00:39:11.700 --> 00:39:15.300
So one moment can just be a mistake,

492
00:39:16.100 --> 00:39:19.060
but the pattern is going to reveal the truth.

493
00:39:23.740 --> 00:39:27.840
So just be paying attention to what happens when it gets addressed.

494
00:39:28.760 --> 00:39:34.440
How do they show up when you bring up the things that you're recognizing?

495
00:39:36.260 --> 00:39:38.960
So question to be asking,

496
00:39:38.960 --> 00:39:45.060
is this an isolated event or am I seeing a repeated pattern?

497
00:39:47.500 --> 00:39:50.960
And this again, if it's we're going to get curious,

498
00:39:51.640 --> 00:39:54.240
we're going to ask questions, we're not going to jump to assuming.

499
00:39:56.340 --> 00:39:59.960
Because patterns are going to tell the truth.

500
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.160
that moments often hide?

501
00:40:08.880 --> 00:40:11.160
What was that question again?

502
00:40:11.160 --> 00:40:15.060
Is this an isolated event or am I seeing a repeated pattern?

503
00:40:17.560 --> 00:40:21.960
Because those patterns are gonna really shed

504
00:40:21.960 --> 00:40:26.960
some truth in areas where moments might hide it.

505
00:40:30.080 --> 00:40:31.960
Because ladies, let's be real,

506
00:40:31.960 --> 00:40:36.120
in those first month of dating,

507
00:40:36.120 --> 00:40:37.920
month to two month of dating,

508
00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:41.020
we're all just trying to be liked.

509
00:40:41.020 --> 00:40:45.080
We're putting our best foot forward, okay?

510
00:40:46.760 --> 00:40:48.920
So we might start seeing some patterns

511
00:40:48.920 --> 00:40:52.720
and we might see how they might be trying to cover it up.

512
00:40:52.720 --> 00:40:53.960
We just need to discern.

513
00:40:53.960 --> 00:40:56.840
Doesn't mean that we're operating in fear, okay?

514
00:40:56.840 --> 00:40:58.120
And it doesn't mean we're taking something

515
00:40:58.120 --> 00:40:59.460
to a fantasy point.

516
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:03.760
We're just sitting, like that's why it's like,

517
00:41:03.760 --> 00:41:07.600
that level two dating, getting to know you,

518
00:41:07.600 --> 00:41:10.780
there's a reason that process works.

519
00:41:10.780 --> 00:41:15.400
It slows things down because we're not putting ourselves

520
00:41:15.400 --> 00:41:20.400
in something that later is gonna be like,

521
00:41:20.440 --> 00:41:22.520
oh my gosh, what did I do?

522
00:41:22.520 --> 00:41:27.360
And it's gonna create more angst in us and more healing

523
00:41:27.360 --> 00:41:29.460
where it's like, I'm just gonna slow down.

524
00:41:30.720 --> 00:41:32.760
I'm gonna slow down and observe.

525
00:41:32.760 --> 00:41:33.880
And I know a lot of us are like,

526
00:41:33.880 --> 00:41:36.720
well, I don't wanna waste my time.

527
00:41:36.720 --> 00:41:41.720
But ladies, spending two months getting to know someone

528
00:41:42.400 --> 00:41:45.720
and not taking it to like an accelerated pace

529
00:41:47.080 --> 00:41:49.200
is actually gonna save you time

530
00:41:50.600 --> 00:41:54.440
than thinking it's something that it's not

531
00:41:54.440 --> 00:41:56.360
and staying in it longer,

532
00:41:56.360 --> 00:42:00.000
because you didn't slow down and look at

533
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:02.040
what was actually being exposed.

534
00:42:03.040 --> 00:42:05.000
Does that make sense?

535
00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:07.120
I know we don't wanna slow the process down

536
00:42:07.120 --> 00:42:09.320
and we just wanna find the connection,

537
00:42:10.360 --> 00:42:12.000
either, oh, I don't know,

538
00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:14.080
I'm not feeling it with this person

539
00:42:14.080 --> 00:42:16.260
or I don't wanna waste time.

540
00:42:16.260 --> 00:42:21.180
Okay, well, let's just spend a little time.

541
00:42:21.180 --> 00:42:23.400
You are gonna save more time in the long run

542
00:42:23.400 --> 00:42:26.680
than you are just spending a month or so

543
00:42:26.680 --> 00:42:28.720
getting to know somebody.

544
00:42:28.720 --> 00:42:30.880
That's also why I encourage you ladies is,

545
00:42:30.880 --> 00:42:33.640
in those level two, get to know a couple people.

546
00:42:35.400 --> 00:42:37.840
Yes, getting married to the wrong person

547
00:42:37.840 --> 00:42:41.000
and staying in a marriage for so many years,

548
00:42:41.000 --> 00:42:44.280
that is harder.

549
00:42:46.680 --> 00:42:49.080
100%.

550
00:42:49.080 --> 00:42:51.360
One to two months of slowing the pace down

551
00:42:51.360 --> 00:42:53.400
and really taking some observations

552
00:42:53.400 --> 00:42:55.560
and learning and getting to know somebody

553
00:42:55.560 --> 00:42:58.520
and being curious and not jumping to some fantasy

554
00:42:58.520 --> 00:43:02.360
or some fear is gonna save you so much time,

555
00:43:03.280 --> 00:43:04.340
so much time.

556
00:43:07.800 --> 00:43:09.800
Okay, I think I'm ready to move on to my next point.

557
00:43:09.800 --> 00:43:12.960
Let me just glance over here.

558
00:43:12.960 --> 00:43:17.320
Oh, some examples of some red flags.

559
00:43:17.320 --> 00:43:18.960
This one's good, okay?

560
00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:23.280
Chronic dishonesty.

561
00:43:26.880 --> 00:43:30.280
Okay, sometimes you're gonna see that men might,

562
00:43:30.280 --> 00:43:33.080
oh, like I see this one oftentimes,

563
00:43:33.080 --> 00:43:35.360
like they might be just honest about their age

564
00:43:35.360 --> 00:43:37.120
or their height or whatever.

565
00:43:37.120 --> 00:43:38.120
I know women are like,

566
00:43:38.120 --> 00:43:41.280
well, if he's already lying in the beginning,

567
00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:42.960
well, I get it.

568
00:43:42.960 --> 00:43:45.400
I don't like the lying piece either,

569
00:43:46.740 --> 00:43:49.200
but sometimes when we take a step back and we learn

570
00:43:50.040 --> 00:43:54.360
that why did they feel like they had to

571
00:43:54.360 --> 00:43:56.280
not share their real age

572
00:43:57.440 --> 00:44:02.440
or why they didn't disclose that they were actually

573
00:44:03.760 --> 00:44:07.080
five, eight, not five, 10?

574
00:44:09.440 --> 00:44:12.520
Like it's being able to kind of,

575
00:44:12.520 --> 00:44:14.440
sometimes bringing those things up,

576
00:44:14.440 --> 00:44:16.280
like, hey, I noticed this,

577
00:44:16.280 --> 00:44:20.400
and listening for what is their response.

578
00:44:20.400 --> 00:44:22.040
If they get defensive,

579
00:44:24.040 --> 00:44:27.860
like that's an observation.

580
00:44:29.400 --> 00:44:31.360
I've had some men where they're like,

581
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:36.360
well, I had to because I was,

582
00:44:37.040 --> 00:44:38.400
this has actually happened.

583
00:44:38.400 --> 00:44:42.160
I know some men that are in their late 40s

584
00:44:42.160 --> 00:44:44.080
or maybe in their mid 40s,

585
00:44:44.120 --> 00:44:45.760
they're getting paired with women

586
00:44:45.760 --> 00:44:48.840
in like their 50s and 60s on the sites.

587
00:44:50.120 --> 00:44:52.880
And so they had to put their age down a little more.

588
00:44:52.880 --> 00:44:56.000
And I'm not saying that this is right or wrong, okay?

589
00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:57.360
But sometimes it's about learning,

590
00:44:57.360 --> 00:44:59.720
like, why are they doing this?

591
00:45:00.640 --> 00:45:03.080
because they're not getting matched.

592
00:45:03.080 --> 00:45:06.480
They're trying to see what will give them

593
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:10.520
a bigger pool of people to pick from, okay?

594
00:45:10.520 --> 00:45:15.200
And I know that sounds like, you know, not so lovely,

595
00:45:15.200 --> 00:45:20.200
but again, it's sometimes just hearing the response

596
00:45:20.440 --> 00:45:24.840
and not just immediately assuming, okay?

597
00:45:24.840 --> 00:45:26.840
It's learning a little more.

598
00:45:27.720 --> 00:45:31.640
Like I said, it doesn't mean that it's not something

599
00:45:31.640 --> 00:45:34.200
that you're gonna be like, okay, it's a no now,

600
00:45:34.200 --> 00:45:37.100
but it is about getting curious with that.

601
00:45:38.200 --> 00:45:42.560
So that's why I say chronic dishonesty, okay?

602
00:45:46.040 --> 00:45:47.820
And that's why you're not gonna fast forward

603
00:45:47.820 --> 00:45:48.660
that relationship.

604
00:45:48.660 --> 00:45:50.280
Like, you're gonna be like,

605
00:45:50.280 --> 00:45:52.040
I'm gonna sit back and observe.

606
00:45:53.140 --> 00:45:55.000
This is just a warning sign

607
00:45:55.040 --> 00:45:57.840
because the last thing you wanna do is, oh, overlook it.

608
00:45:59.400 --> 00:46:01.080
Because I'm not telling you ladies to overlook it.

609
00:46:01.080 --> 00:46:03.960
I'm just telling you to sit back and observe it.

610
00:46:03.960 --> 00:46:05.740
Get more information.

611
00:46:07.580 --> 00:46:09.300
Other flags, manipulation.

612
00:46:12.480 --> 00:46:17.160
And that can sometimes be hard to see,

613
00:46:18.740 --> 00:46:22.400
especially if we are people pleasers

614
00:46:23.400 --> 00:46:28.400
or we have some stuff in us that's prone to that.

615
00:46:31.880 --> 00:46:36.360
And so that's why we talk about discovery dating

616
00:46:36.360 --> 00:46:39.120
isn't just about discovering about other people.

617
00:46:39.120 --> 00:46:42.480
It's also allowing God to reveal areas in us

618
00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:43.840
that need to be healed.

619
00:46:43.840 --> 00:46:47.380
So if you're recognizing that some of the men

620
00:46:47.380 --> 00:46:52.160
that you are dating are kind of in this same,

621
00:46:52.960 --> 00:46:54.960
like, I feel like they're always trying to manipulate me

622
00:46:54.960 --> 00:46:57.000
or they're always trying to do this.

623
00:46:57.000 --> 00:47:01.800
That's, we're gonna now reflect on what is caught,

624
00:47:01.800 --> 00:47:06.480
like what in me is creating something

625
00:47:06.480 --> 00:47:11.480
that is pulling that to be attracted to me.

626
00:47:11.880 --> 00:47:12.720
And again, that doesn't mean

627
00:47:12.720 --> 00:47:14.880
that you're doing something wrong.

628
00:47:14.880 --> 00:47:18.000
It just means, hey, there's somewhere

629
00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:20.560
that God wants to grow us.

630
00:47:22.640 --> 00:47:24.640
So we just want to pay attention to that.

631
00:47:25.960 --> 00:47:29.600
What's God trying to help me see?

632
00:47:31.280 --> 00:47:34.860
Boundary violations, those are red flags.

633
00:47:37.800 --> 00:47:39.520
Okay, and so that's why, you know,

634
00:47:39.520 --> 00:47:42.560
in this phase two, we had that boundaries video.

635
00:47:42.560 --> 00:47:46.640
That is such a good teaching because,

636
00:47:46.640 --> 00:47:48.040
and to be able to recognize,

637
00:47:48.040 --> 00:47:50.940
are you someone that puts up all the boundaries

638
00:47:50.940 --> 00:47:53.900
because you're guarded and you're like trying to avoid,

639
00:47:53.900 --> 00:47:55.900
or you have no boundaries whatsoever

640
00:47:55.900 --> 00:47:57.900
because you're just ain't like,

641
00:47:57.900 --> 00:48:00.500
just wanting to not be rejected.

642
00:48:00.500 --> 00:48:04.620
So it's recognizing your own boundaries

643
00:48:04.620 --> 00:48:07.100
and how people are responding to those boundaries.

644
00:48:07.100 --> 00:48:12.100
So it's not just, are they violating my boundaries

645
00:48:12.260 --> 00:48:16.320
or am I putting up too many boundaries or not enough?

646
00:48:17.320 --> 00:48:22.320
Yes, does he respect your no as much as your yes?

647
00:48:23.320 --> 00:48:25.840
Y'all, I say this, I tell this story all the time.

648
00:48:25.840 --> 00:48:28.680
My ladies who've been here for a hot minute,

649
00:48:28.680 --> 00:48:31.580
my husband on our first date asked to kiss me.

650
00:48:32.520 --> 00:48:34.520
I said, no.

651
00:48:34.520 --> 00:48:35.520
Didn't mean I didn't want to,

652
00:48:35.520 --> 00:48:38.140
because I loved kissing,

653
00:48:38.140 --> 00:48:40.920
but I knew I was convicted to be like, okay,

654
00:48:40.920 --> 00:48:45.920
I don't want to have any physical connection

655
00:48:45.960 --> 00:48:48.400
with anybody that I'm getting to know

656
00:48:48.400 --> 00:48:52.480
because that physical connection drew me closer to somebody.

657
00:48:52.480 --> 00:48:55.760
And then I was not seeing red flags when they were there

658
00:48:56.800 --> 00:49:01.800
because that physical contact that just got me excited.

659
00:49:03.120 --> 00:49:07.760
So I knew that was not an option for me.

660
00:49:07.760 --> 00:49:10.200
And that's why I encourage a lot of women here.

661
00:49:10.200 --> 00:49:15.200
We do not want to cross those physical boundaries

662
00:49:15.520 --> 00:49:17.960
with someone, especially in a level two relationship

663
00:49:17.960 --> 00:49:19.640
where we're just getting to know them

664
00:49:19.640 --> 00:49:24.640
because that is when you will not see flags

665
00:49:24.680 --> 00:49:25.840
or you're going to see yellow flags,

666
00:49:25.840 --> 00:49:27.960
but then you're going to be like, oh, it's a yellow flag.

667
00:49:27.960 --> 00:49:29.960
And it might be a red flag and it might be,

668
00:49:29.960 --> 00:49:31.920
we're just not going to see it clearly.

669
00:49:33.320 --> 00:49:35.720
And I know some people are like, not like that.

670
00:49:35.720 --> 00:49:39.600
They don't like when I say that and I get it.

671
00:49:39.600 --> 00:49:42.160
And we can always process through it, okay?

672
00:49:42.680 --> 00:49:47.680
But my husband respected that.

673
00:49:49.240 --> 00:49:50.640
I even said, well, do you want to know?

674
00:49:50.640 --> 00:49:52.200
And he's like, no, I mean, he didn't need,

675
00:49:52.200 --> 00:49:53.600
he was like, I don't need to know,

676
00:49:53.600 --> 00:49:54.840
but I still told him anyway.

677
00:49:54.840 --> 00:49:56.080
Because I was like, look, I want you to be,

678
00:49:56.080 --> 00:49:57.400
I want to be clear.

679
00:49:57.400 --> 00:50:00.080
I'm not going to have physical.

680
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.000
Like, I'm not going to kiss anybody unless I'm in a committed relationship with them.

681
00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:10.000
Like, that's just not something that I'm going to do because I don't want to do that to someone else,

682
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:18.000
be out kissing a couple different guys, or have them doing the same thing.

683
00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:23.000
Because there was no commitment there. We were on a first date.

684
00:50:23.000 --> 00:50:29.000
Like, he was allowed to go date other people and so was I.

685
00:50:29.000 --> 00:50:32.000
He doesn't know if I was talking to a couple different people.

686
00:50:32.000 --> 00:50:35.000
I think he was talking to someone. I think we've even chatted about that.

687
00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:41.000
Like, he had been talking to somebody and it was just more of a friend

688
00:50:41.000 --> 00:50:48.000
and he had to kind of do the whole, like, tell her, like, hey buddy sort of thing.

689
00:50:48.000 --> 00:50:53.000
It was like someone at a singles group at church or something like that.

690
00:50:53.000 --> 00:50:58.000
And I kind of, you know, bust his butt for that still.

691
00:50:58.000 --> 00:51:04.000
But yeah, I mean, if he was kissing me and then arriving back at, you know,

692
00:51:04.000 --> 00:51:08.000
going back to Texas from Florida and then going out on a date with her

693
00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:11.000
and then kissing her, like, no thank you.

694
00:51:11.000 --> 00:51:19.000
I mean, y'all, that Bachelor show, I mean, I know Bachelor has been around for like over decades.

695
00:51:19.000 --> 00:51:22.000
I do not know how they do that.

696
00:51:22.000 --> 00:51:27.000
I do not know how these women all are fighting for one man's attention

697
00:51:27.000 --> 00:51:29.000
and he's over there kissing a bunch of different girls.

698
00:51:29.000 --> 00:51:32.000
Like, I'm sorry. No, no thank you.

699
00:51:32.000 --> 00:51:38.000
Or a woman who's the Bachelorette kissing all these dudes.

700
00:51:38.000 --> 00:51:44.000
Yes, like, no thank you. That is like, no thanks.

701
00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:50.000
I don't know how, I do not know how people go through that program.

702
00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:56.000
Yeah, anyway, that could be a whole nother coaching, teaching thing here.

703
00:51:56.000 --> 00:51:59.000
But let's continue to move on.

704
00:51:59.000 --> 00:52:03.000
Okay, so yeah, those are some of the red flags.

705
00:52:03.000 --> 00:52:07.000
Now, let's talk a little bit about green flags.

706
00:52:07.000 --> 00:52:12.000
Because these are the ones that you'll see,

707
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:18.000
they'll be green flags, but they're not going to be exciting,

708
00:52:18.000 --> 00:52:23.000
so we're going to overlook them.

709
00:52:23.000 --> 00:52:28.000
Green flags are going to be less exciting than red flags.

710
00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:32.000
And sometimes green flags don't create butterflies.

711
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:36.000
Green flags sometimes will not create the spark.

712
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:40.000
Everyone's like, I just want to feel the spark.

713
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:45.000
Sometimes green flags will not create that.

714
00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:48.000
But what they will create is a peace.

715
00:52:48.000 --> 00:52:51.000
So sometimes, ladies, we're looking for the spark,

716
00:52:51.000 --> 00:52:54.000
we're looking for the excitement, we're looking for the passion,

717
00:52:54.000 --> 00:52:56.000
we're looking for the rush.

718
00:52:56.000 --> 00:52:59.000
When I want you to sit back and be like,

719
00:52:59.000 --> 00:53:03.000
but does this bring me peace?

720
00:53:03.000 --> 00:53:07.000
Do I feel safe and secure?

721
00:53:07.000 --> 00:53:10.000
Do I feel at ease?

722
00:53:10.000 --> 00:53:13.000
That is a green flag.

723
00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:19.000
It's going to create peace, not chaos.

724
00:53:19.000 --> 00:53:26.000
Healthy relationships will feel safe, consistent, and steady.

725
00:53:26.000 --> 00:53:32.000
And ladies, if our past relationships,

726
00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:36.000
if those past relationships was a lot of chaos

727
00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:40.000
and a lot of excitement and a lot of drama,

728
00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:47.000
we are not going to know what to do with a calm, healthy man.

729
00:53:47.000 --> 00:53:52.000
It's going to feel different.

730
00:53:52.000 --> 00:53:54.000
Yes, there is a video.

731
00:53:54.000 --> 00:53:59.000
I do believe the Dating 101 has video,

732
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:02.000
and Jackie does go through some do's and don'ts.

733
00:54:02.000 --> 00:54:07.000
I do know we are in the process of revamping our Phase 2 videos.

734
00:54:07.000 --> 00:54:12.000
So I'm not quite sure when Jackie's going to be recording those,

735
00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:18.000
but I imagine with the Modern Dating Sex book,

736
00:54:18.000 --> 00:54:21.000
I would imagine it's going to kind of incorporate some of that content.

737
00:54:21.000 --> 00:54:26.000
That's kind of my hope.

738
00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:28.000
But there's still good information in those,

739
00:54:28.000 --> 00:54:31.000
so definitely pull from those.

740
00:54:31.000 --> 00:54:33.000
Does the spark exist?

741
00:54:33.000 --> 00:54:38.000
It does, it just will probably look a little different.

742
00:54:38.000 --> 00:54:43.000
Sparks do exist, okay? They do.

743
00:54:43.000 --> 00:54:49.000
It may just take time to get there.

744
00:54:49.000 --> 00:54:52.000
Okay, if you are like someone like me,

745
00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:55.000
I was always rushing into relationships.

746
00:54:55.000 --> 00:55:00.000
And so those sparks were typically like...

747
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.400
flags for me. I had to learn, like, okay, if I'm seeing, like, if I'm getting excited

748
00:55:06.400 --> 00:55:10.440
and all, like, flustered, like, that was an indicator for me, like, okay, Carly, you need

749
00:55:10.440 --> 00:55:16.740
to observe this. This is feeling familiar. Are you finding yourself in the same pattern

750
00:55:16.740 --> 00:55:22.520
that you were dating before? And just, and that's when I was coming into this community

751
00:55:22.520 --> 00:55:27.700
and I was talking with Jackie and all the other women, like, what I was experiencing

752
00:55:27.700 --> 00:55:33.100
on dates? What was happening in me? What was I processing through? What was God revealing

753
00:55:33.100 --> 00:55:41.060
to me? What was being highlighted? That's where a lot of my growth came in this community,

754
00:55:41.060 --> 00:55:50.900
was sharing my experiences on dates, processing through them with the women here in community.

755
00:55:50.900 --> 00:56:03.840
That's where the growth happened. So I say that not because I don't want you guys not

756
00:56:03.840 --> 00:56:09.780
to be let down, that there might not be a spark there. I'm saying that so that if you're

757
00:56:09.780 --> 00:56:15.000
not feeling, like, if it feels a little bit unfamiliar or boring, you're not going to

758
00:56:15.000 --> 00:56:22.560
overlook it. Because those sometimes, like, the green flags will get overlooked. A guy

759
00:56:22.560 --> 00:56:35.480
that shows up healthy might be boring at first because you're not used to it. Okay? So question

760
00:56:35.480 --> 00:56:54.040
to ask yourself, have I ever mistaken peace for a lack of chemistry? Healthy often changes

761
00:56:54.040 --> 00:57:04.240
what feels attractive. So again, discovery dating will start opening those lenses for

762
00:57:04.240 --> 00:57:18.880
you of what do you find attractive? And you're going to, you may date a handful of different

763
00:57:19.040 --> 00:57:25.480
guys and they may not be your person, but you're going to be able to say, you know what,

764
00:57:25.480 --> 00:57:34.080
this person didn't align, but I really valued. And I found a, like, really attracted. I was

765
00:57:34.080 --> 00:57:43.200
really attracted to the way they communicated or maybe that the way they treated people in

766
00:57:43.200 --> 00:57:50.480
their life, the way they served people. The, I was attracted to the way that they were,

767
00:57:50.480 --> 00:57:57.760
they, the way they showed up for their kids. I was attracted to the way that they created

768
00:57:57.760 --> 00:58:08.520
boundaries. Not every date is going to be your husband, but it doesn't mean that every date

769
00:58:08.520 --> 00:58:15.720
can't be something you can learn and grow in. What green flags do you see that you admire?

770
00:58:15.720 --> 00:58:27.600
Have I ever mistaken peace for a lack of chemistry? Kind of like that spark.

771
00:58:27.600 --> 00:58:42.640
Okay. So you felt so many sparks on that video chat. And so let's, let's dive into

772
00:58:42.640 --> 00:58:47.240
that here in a minute. When I open up for questions, we can, we can process through

773
00:58:47.240 --> 00:58:55.360
that. Like what, what was, what sparks were you feeling? What made you nervous? What were

774
00:58:55.360 --> 00:59:04.480
you recognizing? Let's, we can, like, these can be invitations of what is God trying to heal?

775
00:59:04.480 --> 00:59:13.840
What is he wanting to show us so that we can pay attention to so that we don't continue in

776
00:59:13.840 --> 00:59:25.240
the same dating patterns that we were in before heartwork. And so the last thing I want to talk

777
00:59:25.240 --> 00:59:28.840
about here, cause I know we're running out of time here. I want to be able to leave at least

778
00:59:28.840 --> 00:59:37.560
a good 40 minutes for questions. Well, here, let me, before I do that, some examples of green flags,

779
00:59:37.680 --> 00:59:52.840
consistent communication. Um, does he keep his word? Is he respecting boundaries?

780
00:59:52.840 --> 00:59:59.920
Is there initiation? Is there intentional?

781
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.880
initiation like they're engaging it there's some reciprocation there that's

782
01:00:04.880 --> 01:00:12.000
a big one like a lot of my anxious attached women they like someone and the

783
01:00:12.000 --> 01:00:21.760
guy is nice but he's not overly interested but for now he's engaged like

784
01:00:21.760 --> 01:00:27.240
when you reach out he's friendly he's nice he's open to going on dates but is

785
01:00:27.240 --> 01:00:37.040
he initiating anything is he initiating phone calls is he initiating dates we

786
01:00:37.040 --> 01:00:42.280
can drop the hanky and we can offer the wanting to get together and date like

787
01:00:42.280 --> 01:00:47.400
the first date or so but typically after that first date I'm gonna encourage you

788
01:00:47.400 --> 01:00:51.840
ladies to wait for the guy to ask you out on the second third date doesn't

789
01:00:51.840 --> 01:00:55.520
mean that you can't let them know hey I'd be interested in doing this again we

790
01:00:55.520 --> 01:01:01.000
should do this sometime you know that kind of stuff but you do want to go back

791
01:01:01.000 --> 01:01:08.280
and look are they showing any initiation and intent to want to get to know me or

792
01:01:08.280 --> 01:01:20.080
am I just kind of there if I show up and I message then yeah they're nuts is it a

793
01:01:20.080 --> 01:01:27.720
man following through with what he says he's gonna do that's a green flag does

794
01:01:27.720 --> 01:01:36.920
he own his mistakes so ladies do you see how I said a green flag man isn't a man

795
01:01:36.920 --> 01:01:45.280
that doesn't have mistakes a green flag is he owns his mistakes they're gonna

796
01:01:45.280 --> 01:01:52.040
have mistakes ladies are they owning it and do you see emotional stability

797
01:01:59.280 --> 01:02:04.960
I think I was talking with Ebony and she was sharing with me like some things that

798
01:02:04.960 --> 01:02:17.600
she recognized recognizing men that are not emotionally available I'm a very emotional

799
01:02:17.600 --> 01:02:28.440
person and so I have enough emotions for a lot of people and so I often was attracted

800
01:02:28.440 --> 01:02:38.040
to emotionally unavailable because I was so focused on my own that I couldn't see

801
01:02:38.040 --> 01:02:45.320
that they were kind of like emotions just made them uncomfortable so being able to recognize

802
01:02:45.320 --> 01:02:58.520
that too now the last thing the most important flag get ready for this one ladies the most

803
01:02:58.520 --> 01:03:04.200
important flag to pay attention to is your own

804
01:03:08.560 --> 01:03:18.880
your fears your wounds your past experiences can distort what you see

805
01:03:18.880 --> 01:03:30.840
it changes the lenses that we look through that's why heart work and healing our hearts

806
01:03:30.840 --> 01:03:43.680
is foundation we want to break off those lenses that we're looking through that are not showing

807
01:03:43.680 --> 01:03:53.440
us the clarity and the truth of what is actually there what fears are coming in and lying to us

808
01:03:53.440 --> 01:04:06.160
we have to be aware of those things because your self-awareness is going to create clarity and it's

809
01:04:06.160 --> 01:04:12.680
it's self-awareness that will also put us into a place of humility so that we can actually learn

810
01:04:12.680 --> 01:04:17.320
and grow and it will take vulnerability it will be coming to community and saying you know what

811
01:04:17.320 --> 01:04:27.480
this is what I've struggled with I guarantee you whatever you struggle with whatever lenses you

812
01:04:27.480 --> 01:04:32.000
might be looking through whatever flag you may have you are not the only one in this community

813
01:04:32.000 --> 01:04:45.440
dealing with it because I will be very very candid with you I frequently can relate to the

814
01:04:45.440 --> 01:04:50.920
women in this community with the things that they struggle with because I have gone through it

815
01:04:50.920 --> 01:04:58.600
myself or I'm still working on it y'all I'm married

816
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.880
I'm married and I still have my flags that I still have to work on.

817
01:05:06.000 --> 01:05:10.960
So I want you to pay attention. Just because you have flags doesn't mean that you're not

818
01:05:10.960 --> 01:05:15.920
ready for marriage. It just means you're human. That's it.

819
01:05:18.320 --> 01:05:24.320
And that's why we're looking at how does someone show up? How does someone respond

820
01:05:25.120 --> 01:05:31.280
versus what the issue is? I'm not saying those issues aren't important, but we want to,

821
01:05:31.280 --> 01:05:33.440
we're looking more at what's the response.

822
01:05:36.480 --> 01:05:41.280
Yes, growing and learning does not end when you get married. It actually is. Yes.

823
01:05:42.240 --> 01:05:45.040
And that's something that Ebony and I were talking about this,

824
01:05:45.040 --> 01:05:50.240
this week. I was like, I thought I arrived when I got married y'all.

825
01:05:50.800 --> 01:05:56.000
Ooh, let me tell you, I had a lot more hard work to do after I got married.

826
01:05:57.360 --> 01:06:01.120
And I don't say it. I know someone in the community a few weeks ago was like,

827
01:06:01.920 --> 01:06:05.600
why does it sound like marriage is not so great? I'm like, oh no, it's great.

828
01:06:05.600 --> 01:06:09.760
It's just the reality of like, it's a maturity process.

829
01:06:12.080 --> 01:06:15.200
Like there is, I'm sorry, my phone just went off.

830
01:06:15.200 --> 01:06:24.560
So I want you ladies to just embrace this season of being single and growing and learning and

831
01:06:24.560 --> 01:06:29.360
looking at flags and like looking at your own stuff, because it's just going to prepare you

832
01:06:31.040 --> 01:06:34.000
for marriage and relationship in the future.

833
01:06:36.880 --> 01:06:40.240
I'm sorry, y'all, my, my phone keeps going off and I can't hear you.

834
01:06:40.880 --> 01:06:46.800
I'm sorry, y'all, my, my phone keeps going off and I don't know how to silence it on my computer.

835
01:06:48.960 --> 01:06:59.040
So a reflection question to be asking yourself, what story emotion or wound might be influencing

836
01:06:59.040 --> 01:07:06.400
how you see whatever it is that you're in that situation, what story emotion or wound

837
01:07:07.200 --> 01:07:08.960
might be influencing when I'm seeing

838
01:07:12.400 --> 01:07:15.600
the clearer you become, the clearer the flags will become.

839
01:07:22.080 --> 01:07:27.920
Yeah. And that's another thing too. Like if you grew up or even, I mean, ladies,

840
01:07:27.920 --> 01:07:32.640
Ebony and I were talking about that even this week, um, even in the church,

841
01:07:33.280 --> 01:07:36.480
people will talk about marriage. And, and when people talk about marriage,

842
01:07:36.480 --> 01:07:41.200
they kind of talk about how hard it is. We were, we were sharing, like,

843
01:07:42.800 --> 01:07:50.080
there needs to be more married couples in the church that yes, that talk about the reality

844
01:07:50.080 --> 01:07:53.680
of marriage, but talk about it in a light that doesn't look so negative.

845
01:07:54.960 --> 01:08:00.320
And so that's another thing I want to caution you ladies with when you are out doing, um,

846
01:08:00.560 --> 01:08:06.320
when you are out doing life with people and you're, you know, at church or whatever,

847
01:08:07.200 --> 01:08:11.440
and you know, you're going to have like, you'll have single friends, you'll have married friends,

848
01:08:11.440 --> 01:08:16.399
you'll have all of that. You'll have divorced friends. You know, if you're, if you're engaging

849
01:08:16.399 --> 01:08:23.279
with single friends that are just negative and just look at being single at, and men as the,

850
01:08:23.279 --> 01:08:27.040
like the enemy, I'm going to caution you not to hang out with those people.

851
01:08:27.359 --> 01:08:36.000
If they don't have a, a, a, a sense of hope, like that's, you're gonna, you're gonna carry

852
01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:42.479
some of that same thing. If you're hanging out with married couples, if married couples are

853
01:08:42.479 --> 01:08:48.640
sitting there encouraging you not to get married because it's so hard, I would encourage you not

854
01:08:49.600 --> 01:08:52.319
to get your advice, your dating advice from them.

855
01:08:55.359 --> 01:09:02.240
Find, find people. And again, you don't have to get a lot. I would actually encourage you just

856
01:09:02.240 --> 01:09:10.640
find one or two people that you can go to that you can lean on. And that's again,

857
01:09:10.640 --> 01:09:16.560
why we have community, why we have coaches here that, and it's why we have, you know,

858
01:09:16.560 --> 01:09:22.160
coaches that are married and we have coaches that are single because we've all been in this process,

859
01:09:23.359 --> 01:09:30.319
but that are going to share with you the facts and the reality, but they're also going to

860
01:09:31.600 --> 01:09:38.960
share with you the positive things that come with it. That's going to be encouraged, encouraging.

861
01:09:39.520 --> 01:09:47.920
You know, I, I wish I had more people to tell me about the reality of marriage, which Jackie was.

862
01:09:49.120 --> 01:09:52.880
At the time, I just wasn't, I didn't know it because I'd never been married.

863
01:09:53.920 --> 01:09:57.360
And now I'm like, Oh my goodness. Now, now I get what she was saying.

864
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:06.540
You know, and so I'm aware that now, you know, while I have some wisdom on this side, not

865
01:10:06.540 --> 01:10:12.880
a lot, you know, I'll be married three years in September, so I'll have a lot, but, you

866
01:10:12.880 --> 01:10:17.480
know, I'm aware that some of the things that I might share with you ladies that have never

867
01:10:17.480 --> 01:10:23.040
been married before, it might not make sense because you haven't experienced it.

868
01:10:23.040 --> 01:10:34.800
That was me, but I want to encourage you to find people that, um, that will lift that

869
01:10:34.800 --> 01:10:35.800
up.

870
01:10:35.800 --> 01:10:44.200
So I'm sorry for anybody that has ever had to hear anything negative about marriage or

871
01:10:44.200 --> 01:10:51.980
it being painted in a lens of negativity because that's false.

872
01:10:51.980 --> 01:10:58.860
Is it hard because it grows us and is that positive?

873
01:10:58.860 --> 01:10:59.860
Yeah.

874
01:10:59.860 --> 01:11:00.860
So it just depends.

875
01:11:00.860 --> 01:11:05.820
Are we looking at something being hard because it's difficult and it's challenging and it's

876
01:11:05.820 --> 01:11:08.500
uncomfortable for us?

877
01:11:08.500 --> 01:11:16.380
Is that a negative thing or is that actually like, I want some things to be hard.

878
01:11:16.380 --> 01:11:18.820
I want things to be hard because it means it matters.

879
01:11:18.820 --> 01:11:22.380
I'm putting the effort and initiative in it.

880
01:11:22.380 --> 01:11:25.700
It requires some sacrificing.

881
01:11:25.700 --> 01:11:32.260
It requires some, some servant, like some service of me.

882
01:11:32.260 --> 01:11:40.900
It allows me to, to, to connect more to the father and to, to operate more like Jesus

883
01:11:40.900 --> 01:11:45.820
and to really embrace what it is that Jesus did for us.

884
01:11:46.820 --> 01:11:50.380
I mean, marriage will do that.

885
01:11:50.380 --> 01:11:55.620
I mean, I always think like, like if you look at what Jesus had to do on the cross, that

886
01:11:55.620 --> 01:12:00.700
sacrificial, like that wasn't easy for him, but was it, was that hard?

887
01:12:00.700 --> 01:12:03.540
Was it worth it?

888
01:12:03.540 --> 01:12:06.660
Sure was.

889
01:12:06.660 --> 01:12:07.660
Marriage is the same thing.

890
01:12:07.660 --> 01:12:08.660
It's worth it.

891
01:12:08.660 --> 01:12:10.300
It doesn't mean it's easy, but it is worth it.

892
01:12:16.380 --> 01:12:17.380
Yeah.

893
01:12:17.380 --> 01:12:18.940
Being negative about marriage.

894
01:12:18.940 --> 01:12:19.940
Yes.

895
01:12:19.940 --> 01:12:20.940
Good.

896
01:12:20.940 --> 01:12:24.860
I'm glad you still have that belief that there are good marriages out there and good marriages

897
01:12:24.860 --> 01:12:29.940
doesn't mean everything is perfect.

898
01:12:29.940 --> 01:12:32.460
It's one that's going to grow us and mature us.

899
01:12:32.460 --> 01:12:34.760
And so just keep that in mind.

900
01:12:34.760 --> 01:12:41.580
So some things to take away, yellow flags are there for observation.

901
01:12:41.580 --> 01:12:44.620
Red flags will need action.

902
01:12:44.620 --> 01:12:55.140
Green flags need appreciation.

903
01:12:55.140 --> 01:13:02.700
You don't have to become this human lie detector, okay?

904
01:13:02.700 --> 01:13:07.900
You don't need perfect discernment.

905
01:13:07.900 --> 01:13:20.060
Your job is just to remain present for you to allow God to show things clearly to you

906
01:13:20.060 --> 01:13:24.340
of what actually is there.

907
01:13:24.340 --> 01:13:30.420
God will be faithful and reveal what it is that needs to be revealed when it needs to

908
01:13:30.420 --> 01:13:33.020
be revealed.

909
01:13:33.020 --> 01:13:40.700
And that is so easier said than done, but keep that in mind.

910
01:13:40.700 --> 01:13:48.980
Use this community to walk that out.

911
01:13:48.980 --> 01:13:52.980
It is about trusting this process, okay?

912
01:13:52.980 --> 01:13:58.660
Thousands and thousands and thousands of people have gone through this process, okay?

913
01:13:58.660 --> 01:14:05.420
I've gone through this process and I will tell you, it wasn't perfect.

914
01:14:05.420 --> 01:14:17.100
There is no such thing, but if we're consistent with the process and staying engaged and intentional

915
01:14:17.100 --> 01:14:25.860
and showing up and leaning on God, like that process will work and it will look differently

916
01:14:25.860 --> 01:14:28.460
than we think.

917
01:14:28.460 --> 01:14:32.860
But I will tell you, whatever you have envisioned of what your love story is going to look like,

918
01:14:32.860 --> 01:14:37.460
it will be different, but it'll be a good different.

919
01:14:37.460 --> 01:14:38.980
It'll be a good different.

920
01:14:38.980 --> 01:14:42.700
And then you're going to be like, oh my gosh, this is better than I even imagined.

921
01:14:42.700 --> 01:14:47.700
And the things that God will like reveal to you, you're just going to be like, I would

922
01:14:47.700 --> 01:14:52.300
have never saw that if it went my way.

923
01:14:52.300 --> 01:14:56.500
Because God will have this really great way of just kind of laying out the details and

924
01:14:56.500 --> 01:14:58.700
he's so intricately, he puts it together.

925
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.520
So our activation this week is I want you ladies to choose one relationship, okay. This doesn't

926
01:15:05.520 --> 01:15:09.360
have to be a dating relationship, okay, because I know some ladies aren't dating and that's totally

927
01:15:09.360 --> 01:15:15.120
fine. So it can be a dating relationship, it can be a friendship, it can be a family

928
01:15:15.760 --> 01:15:21.840
member, or it could be yourself. And I want you to do, we're going to do like a flag audit,

929
01:15:23.200 --> 01:15:28.320
okay. You're going to list at least one green flag that you've been overlooking

930
01:15:30.960 --> 01:15:35.760
you're going to list any yellow flags that might require some more observation

931
01:15:38.320 --> 01:15:41.200
and if there's any red flags that might need action.

932
01:15:43.600 --> 01:15:48.960
And I want you to be asking what additional information do you still need when these flags

933
01:15:48.960 --> 01:15:58.720
are present. Yes, red flags need action, green flags need appreciation, and yellow flags need

934
01:15:58.960 --> 01:16:05.120
observation. Observation, yeah. Like just think of that, it's like slow down.

935
01:16:06.560 --> 01:16:11.840
Warning. What am I looking for? Not warning out of fear, but warning. I'm just like,

936
01:16:11.840 --> 01:16:18.080
I'm going to discern. I'm going to see what is it that I can be learning. Not from fear,

937
01:16:18.080 --> 01:16:24.640
not from fantasy, okay. So we'll get that up in the app as well.

938
01:16:29.680 --> 01:16:33.680
Yeah, we'll get that up in the app as well with the activation.

939
01:16:37.120 --> 01:16:45.120
There's a few things in my notes that I just saw that I'm going to. Fear labels yellow flags as red.

940
01:16:46.160 --> 01:16:51.600
Okay, so if you're operating in fear, you're going to look at yellow flags as red. Fantasy,

941
01:16:52.640 --> 01:16:55.120
if you're operating in fantasy, you're going to ignore red flags.

942
01:16:56.080 --> 01:17:00.640
Urgency, that's kind of like we've been talking about that needing certainty.

943
01:17:01.440 --> 01:17:06.480
That's going to rush your discernment. That's not going to give you clear discernment. If you

944
01:17:06.480 --> 01:17:11.200
have this urgency, like I need to know, and I need certainty, I need to find out right now.

945
01:17:12.160 --> 01:17:17.920
I'm going to tell you that right now, that urgency is really going to rush your discernment.

946
01:17:18.160 --> 01:17:22.000
That urgency is really going to rush your discernment.

947
01:17:23.200 --> 01:17:27.840
So when you feel that, I want you to remind yourself, just slow down.

948
01:17:30.480 --> 01:17:35.760
Come to the group. Share with us, like I'm feeling this. I'm feeling like I need to know.

949
01:17:36.880 --> 01:17:40.400
If you need to feel urgent of something and you need to act on something,

950
01:17:40.400 --> 01:17:47.040
come act and share with us. Let it out there. All right, that way you feel like you're getting that

951
01:17:47.520 --> 01:17:52.480
I'm doing something about it, but I'm doing it in a healthy space. I'm doing it in my community.

952
01:17:52.480 --> 01:17:59.840
I'm not actually doing it with the person that I'm engaging with. Do it here.

953
01:18:01.520 --> 01:18:09.680
Y'all, if you could see five, four years ago, the things that I would post in the group after

954
01:18:09.680 --> 01:18:15.120
dates and what was going on in my head, oh my word, like y'all would have seen, like y'all,

955
01:18:15.120 --> 01:18:19.040
I was, I was not just anxious. I was also avoidant. I was a little bit of both.

956
01:18:20.080 --> 01:18:25.840
And I know we've gotten, um, Ebony and I are talking about kind of doing a teaching on that.

957
01:18:25.840 --> 01:18:32.720
And I want to pull some more, um, information on that about what do we do when we see those, um,

958
01:18:33.680 --> 01:18:39.040
anxious, um, when we're aware of like the anxious tendencies that we have,

959
01:18:39.040 --> 01:18:43.200
or the avoidant tendencies, like what's a way that we can overcome those things.

960
01:18:43.200 --> 01:18:48.640
Because just because we are aware of it doesn't mean that it just goes away. Um,

961
01:18:48.640 --> 01:18:55.680
it's actually putting it into practice. Um, insecurity is you're going to overlook green flags.

962
01:18:56.320 --> 01:19:00.960
Cause you're not going to believe it. So it's going to be really hard to receive anything.

963
01:19:05.760 --> 01:19:13.680
I'm so thankful that you feel free to post. Um, I love it. How we, okay. Yes.

964
01:19:15.840 --> 01:19:23.280
Good, good, good. Um, past wounds are also going to interpret everything through our old experience.

965
01:19:23.840 --> 01:19:26.960
Interpret everything through our old experiences as well. And so again,

966
01:19:26.960 --> 01:19:32.960
those are things to just pay attention to y'all. That is, I still do that. Like even in my

967
01:19:32.960 --> 01:19:39.760
relationship, past things that happened to me in past relationships will, will show up some things

968
01:19:39.760 --> 01:19:46.160
in how I operate in my relationship now. And so those are just good indicators for me to kind of

969
01:19:46.160 --> 01:19:51.680
take a look. And it doesn't mean that I don't look at things that are happening in my current

970
01:19:51.680 --> 01:19:59.840
relationship, but I also can see that I might have to check myself and how I view things because

971
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:03.640
because I have a lens in the past

972
01:20:03.640 --> 01:20:05.280
and I have to be mindful and aware of it.

973
01:20:05.280 --> 01:20:07.480
Doesn't mean that that goes away and I overlook it.

974
01:20:07.480 --> 01:20:11.880
It just means I'm just using that awareness, okay?

975
01:20:11.880 --> 01:20:15.000
All right, I feel like I covered so much

976
01:20:15.000 --> 01:20:17.280
and we are well over time,

977
01:20:17.280 --> 01:20:19.040
but I definitely wanna make sure

978
01:20:19.040 --> 01:20:22.440
that I leave space for people to ask questions.

979
01:20:22.440 --> 01:20:24.760
So if you have questions, go ahead and put your hand up.

980
01:20:24.760 --> 01:20:26.680
I wanna see how many I have here

981
01:20:26.680 --> 01:20:28.520
and we'll see how long that's gonna take us

982
01:20:28.520 --> 01:20:31.920
to kind of how much time we have for each person.

983
01:20:32.960 --> 01:20:36.200
I'll go a little over today too, if I have to.

984
01:20:36.200 --> 01:20:39.000
Anybody, does anybody have any questions?

985
01:20:39.000 --> 01:20:41.120
Sarah, okay, I see you.

986
01:20:42.280 --> 01:20:43.600
So go ahead and unmute.

987
01:20:43.600 --> 01:20:46.160
Does anybody else, even put it up in the chat,

988
01:20:46.160 --> 01:20:48.860
if you can't find out where to raise your avatar hand.

989
01:20:50.720 --> 01:20:51.600
Okay, good.

990
01:20:51.600 --> 01:20:53.400
Karen, she does.

991
01:20:53.400 --> 01:20:54.520
I know Sarah does.

992
01:20:54.520 --> 01:20:56.000
Sarah's unmuted.

993
01:20:56.000 --> 01:20:59.120
Okay, if you have to put in the chat too,

994
01:20:59.120 --> 01:21:00.480
hey, I've got a question.

995
01:21:02.320 --> 01:21:03.320
Okay, perfect.

996
01:21:03.320 --> 01:21:05.080
And I'll look for yours in the chat then.

997
01:21:05.080 --> 01:21:05.920
Sounds good.

998
01:21:05.920 --> 01:21:07.840
So go ahead and type that out.

999
01:21:07.840 --> 01:21:09.840
If you can't unmute and you have a question,

1000
01:21:09.840 --> 01:21:10.720
put it up in the chat,

1001
01:21:10.720 --> 01:21:13.160
cause I'll go through it and read through that as well.

1002
01:21:13.160 --> 01:21:14.560
All right, Sarah, I'm gonna start with you,

1003
01:21:14.560 --> 01:21:17.000
then Karen, and then I'm looking for Jennifer.

1004
01:21:17.000 --> 01:21:18.080
So that's three.

1005
01:21:18.080 --> 01:21:20.760
I think if we're spending like five minutes on each,

1006
01:21:20.760 --> 01:21:22.120
I think we'll make it through the three of you.

1007
01:21:22.120 --> 01:21:24.960
If anybody else has one, let me know now.

1008
01:21:24.960 --> 01:21:28.640
Otherwise, put it in the app and we'll go over that.

1009
01:21:28.640 --> 01:21:31.440
I know I have been MIA for a little bit.

1010
01:21:31.440 --> 01:21:33.360
I'm gonna be digging into that.

1011
01:21:33.360 --> 01:21:35.480
I'm gonna be looking over the last couple of weeks.

1012
01:21:35.480 --> 01:21:40.480
So please know that I am going to go cover several weeks

1013
01:21:41.040 --> 01:21:42.160
over the next couple of days.

1014
01:21:42.160 --> 01:21:44.160
So if you haven't gotten a question answered

1015
01:21:44.160 --> 01:21:45.600
or gotten overlooked,

1016
01:21:45.600 --> 01:21:48.960
or if you've followed up with a response from us

1017
01:21:48.960 --> 01:21:50.720
and we haven't responded to that,

1018
01:21:50.720 --> 01:21:53.600
I'm gonna be going and checking those out as well.

1019
01:21:53.600 --> 01:21:56.600
Okay, and so just be on the lookout for that.

1020
01:21:56.600 --> 01:22:00.320
You all should, if you have a post in there and we respond,

1021
01:22:00.320 --> 01:22:03.320
you should get a notification that we responded to that.

1022
01:22:03.320 --> 01:22:06.120
Now, I don't always see if you've responded

1023
01:22:06.120 --> 01:22:08.240
to my response in your post,

1024
01:22:08.240 --> 01:22:10.840
but I do do my best to kind of go back

1025
01:22:10.840 --> 01:22:12.920
and click and look up, okay?

1026
01:22:12.920 --> 01:22:15.240
And if you're still waiting on a response

1027
01:22:15.240 --> 01:22:17.320
or you responded to one of us

1028
01:22:17.320 --> 01:22:19.760
and we haven't responded to your response,

1029
01:22:19.760 --> 01:22:21.520
just throw up a new post.

1030
01:22:21.920 --> 01:22:23.640
Did that make sense?

1031
01:22:23.640 --> 01:22:25.000
I just use a lot of words.

1032
01:22:26.160 --> 01:22:27.600
Okay, and then I have one more other question.

1033
01:22:27.600 --> 01:22:28.840
Okay, perfect.

1034
01:22:28.840 --> 01:22:31.320
All right, Sarah, how are you?

1035
01:22:31.320 --> 01:22:32.160
Hi, Carla.

1036
01:22:32.160 --> 01:22:33.000
Hi, everybody.

1037
01:22:33.000 --> 01:22:33.840
I'm doing okay.

1038
01:22:35.000 --> 01:22:37.960
I'm probably gonna post a follow-up question

1039
01:22:37.960 --> 01:22:42.880
about that whole situationship that I have shared, you know?

1040
01:22:42.880 --> 01:22:43.720
Yes.

1041
01:22:43.720 --> 01:22:45.560
And so, but I have a follow-up question about that,

1042
01:22:45.560 --> 01:22:47.080
but I'm not gonna do that here now

1043
01:22:47.080 --> 01:22:49.880
because I don't wanna take my time for that.

1044
01:22:49.880 --> 01:22:54.880
But I am starting to, I'm on online dating.

1045
01:22:55.040 --> 01:22:57.040
I did Facebook online dating.

1046
01:22:57.040 --> 01:22:58.720
I signed up for it.

1047
01:22:58.720 --> 01:23:01.360
So I'm excited.

1048
01:23:01.360 --> 01:23:06.120
This is exciting because sometimes it's a bit overwhelming

1049
01:23:06.120 --> 01:23:08.160
to get started with all about the profile.

1050
01:23:08.160 --> 01:23:10.360
Like somebody from the group had mentioned

1051
01:23:10.360 --> 01:23:12.200
that they haven't done their profile yet.

1052
01:23:12.200 --> 01:23:13.800
And I can totally relate.

1053
01:23:13.800 --> 01:23:18.000
It's hard, but Facebook dating made it easy.

1054
01:23:18.000 --> 01:23:20.120
And I'm not on Facebook a lot,

1055
01:23:20.120 --> 01:23:24.000
but they match you up with like friends of friends.

1056
01:23:24.000 --> 01:23:25.560
So it's kind of nice.

1057
01:23:25.560 --> 01:23:28.160
I have run into a couple of people that I knew already,

1058
01:23:28.160 --> 01:23:30.320
but I just kind of do the X.

1059
01:23:30.320 --> 01:23:31.240
No, thank you.

1060
01:23:32.320 --> 01:23:33.320
There you go.

1061
01:23:33.320 --> 01:23:34.160
Yeah.

1062
01:23:34.160 --> 01:23:36.240
So, but it's been really neat.

1063
01:23:36.240 --> 01:23:39.680
So I'm really thankful to, I'm starting getting into it.

1064
01:23:39.680 --> 01:23:41.360
And I'm also trying to pace myself

1065
01:23:41.360 --> 01:23:44.280
with like not every night looking for responses

1066
01:23:44.280 --> 01:23:46.240
for who I've been matched up with,

1067
01:23:46.240 --> 01:23:48.360
who I can get matched up with.

1068
01:23:48.360 --> 01:23:53.360
I'm trying to pace it between like one evening

1069
01:23:53.360 --> 01:23:57.040
or an afternoon trying to respond to people,

1070
01:23:57.040 --> 01:24:00.880
reach out to guys, and then maybe the next night

1071
01:24:00.880 --> 01:24:03.120
do my thing and try to kind of be healthy

1072
01:24:03.120 --> 01:24:04.000
and everything about it.

1073
01:24:04.000 --> 01:24:05.520
So trying to find out.

1074
01:24:05.520 --> 01:24:07.520
Yeah, I love that.

1075
01:24:07.520 --> 01:24:10.720
So I had a guy that I had been matched with

1076
01:24:10.720 --> 01:24:12.640
and he gave me his phone number.

1077
01:24:12.640 --> 01:24:15.400
So I said, hey, I can, he said like,

1078
01:24:15.400 --> 01:24:18.040
hey, why don't we try and he gave me his number.

1079
01:24:18.040 --> 01:24:20.280
And I was like, okay, want me to call you in an hour?

1080
01:24:20.280 --> 01:24:21.320
And he's like, sure.

1081
01:24:21.320 --> 01:24:24.320
So I was trying to set up Google voice

1082
01:24:24.320 --> 01:24:26.280
and it was not happening for me.

1083
01:24:26.280 --> 01:24:30.320
So I had learned that I can dial star six, seven

1084
01:24:30.320 --> 01:24:32.480
and that will block my number.

1085
01:24:32.480 --> 01:24:34.040
So I did that, but then I feel bad

1086
01:24:34.040 --> 01:24:35.640
because he doesn't have like a callback number

1087
01:24:35.640 --> 01:24:37.760
in case he wanted to call me back.

1088
01:24:37.760 --> 01:24:41.120
So I need to go back in the dating,

1089
01:24:41.120 --> 01:24:43.720
online dating stuff that I think Jackie had posted

1090
01:24:43.720 --> 01:24:45.920
about Google phone number.

1091
01:24:45.920 --> 01:24:47.640
And I need to look into that a little more.

1092
01:24:47.640 --> 01:24:48.720
And I think what you,

1093
01:24:48.720 --> 01:24:50.960
cause I didn't use a Google phone number

1094
01:24:52.960 --> 01:24:54.400
when I was dating.

1095
01:24:54.400 --> 01:24:57.920
Cause I think it's smart to do.

1096
01:24:57.920 --> 01:24:59.480
I wish I would have done it.

1097
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.240
use my just give my actual number because my whole thought process is I can block somebody

1098
01:25:04.240 --> 01:25:10.480
because I was using my cell phone. Now what I didn't think is people can look at your number

1099
01:25:10.480 --> 01:25:15.680
and then they can find things like and that's where I didn't think that far ahead. So again,

1100
01:25:15.680 --> 01:25:21.600
I'm not saying like I had a piece about that and I also was pretty selective on who I gave out my

1101
01:25:21.600 --> 01:25:28.400
number to. Right. But so I haven't personally done the Google voice. Okay. So that's why I preface

1102
01:25:28.400 --> 01:25:35.840
that. Okay. But I know a lot of women have just, if you just Google, how do I set up a Google voice?

1103
01:25:36.480 --> 01:25:43.920
Yeah. It should give you the process. I would imagine it's not, I don't, I know my husband

1104
01:25:43.920 --> 01:25:49.600
has one for his work, but I don't think it's very difficult. I mean, cause again, those numbers will,

1105
01:25:49.600 --> 01:25:54.000
they'll, they'll ring your phone, but the callback number will be a different number.

1106
01:25:54.000 --> 01:25:57.440
I mean, so they'll be able to access you, but they're not going to access information about

1107
01:25:57.520 --> 01:26:01.280
you. Does that make sense? Yeah. It doesn't mean that you might need to block them

1108
01:26:01.920 --> 01:26:06.240
from your Google voice. I mean, you might still have to do that if they are just not taking a hit.

1109
01:26:07.040 --> 01:26:11.680
Right. So yeah. Gmail lets you set up Google voice. Okay. So do you have a Gmail?

1110
01:26:13.040 --> 01:26:17.600
Um, yeah, so I would, I think I use my mom's new one that we set up for her, but I'll probably

1111
01:26:17.600 --> 01:26:20.800
have to do one for me cause I have a work one, but I don't want to do, I don't want my last name

1112
01:26:20.800 --> 01:26:24.960
to be, you know, I want to kind of like, so maybe you set up a different, like a Gmail account,

1113
01:26:24.960 --> 01:26:29.920
like a, yeah, set up a separate ladies. That might be a good idea. Set up a different Gmail

1114
01:26:29.920 --> 01:26:33.920
account. Maybe one that you don't frequently use, whether it's like for work or personal, that,

1115
01:26:33.920 --> 01:26:39.360
that would be tied to your name, your last name, all that stuff. So set up just a regular,

1116
01:26:39.920 --> 01:26:45.520
just one that you don't even check the emails. Yeah. Google number through that. That might be

1117
01:26:45.520 --> 01:26:50.320
very helpful. Yes. Um, I think that'd be great. Yeah. So I'm going to do that so I can, and then

1118
01:26:50.320 --> 01:26:54.240
maybe YouTube too can kind of help me walk through it. Oh, my husband is a total, like

1119
01:26:54.880 --> 01:26:58.960
he, he, he tubes everything, how to's and he's like, you want everything?

1120
01:26:59.680 --> 01:27:07.440
Yeah. He fixed our dryer that way. Whatever works. I don't have the patience for that.

1121
01:27:11.040 --> 01:27:15.520
I have a question about, so this guy that I talked with on the phone, I kept in mind, like

1122
01:27:15.520 --> 01:27:19.280
keep it short. Like I was really mindful of the time. I was like 30 minutes in honestly,

1123
01:27:19.280 --> 01:27:23.040
by the end of the 30 minutes I was like, kind of ready to be done. So I was kind of like,

1124
01:27:23.600 --> 01:27:28.160
I don't know if that was, if that's just me and I kind of like after, you know, like I,

1125
01:27:28.160 --> 01:27:32.320
I recharge being alone type thing. So I don't know if that was kind of that kind of thing

1126
01:27:32.320 --> 01:27:40.080
maybe or what, but, um, so we talked for about 30 minutes and, um, so I guess what I'm wondering is

1127
01:27:40.800 --> 01:27:45.520
like, I didn't feel like there was a spark, um, personality wise. I don't know if we'd

1128
01:27:45.520 --> 01:27:49.520
be complimentary or not. Um, we had a lot of similarities that we like nature,

1129
01:27:50.160 --> 01:27:54.560
like to kind of be adventurous, go, you know, he likes fishing, fly fishing, fishing,

1130
01:27:54.560 --> 01:27:59.120
um, likes to be in nature. And I, I like to, you know, try to be in nature as much as I can.

1131
01:27:59.680 --> 01:28:05.440
Um, so, um, and I did ask him, he did have a, um, something that happened on the job that

1132
01:28:05.440 --> 01:28:10.480
caused him to get an injury. I did ask him what happened on the job to get an injury. So I don't

1133
01:28:10.480 --> 01:28:16.560
know if I was asking too much diving too deep there. Yeah. So I'm, I'm guessing, I'm wondering,

1134
01:28:16.560 --> 01:28:20.960
um, like, I'd like to set up Google voice and say, here's my number if you'd like to

1135
01:28:20.960 --> 01:28:25.760
get in touch again. Cause we haven't, um, messaged each other since the phone call a

1136
01:28:25.760 --> 01:28:32.240
couple of nights ago. Um, and so would that, so that, that's sounds good, right? Like kind of like

1137
01:28:33.840 --> 01:28:37.760
like a follow-up. Absolutely. I love that. And I love that you recognize them. There's no spark,

1138
01:28:37.760 --> 01:28:42.160
but remember what we learned today, just because there's no spark doesn't necessarily mean it's

1139
01:28:42.800 --> 01:28:52.080
a no, right. Just okay. I, cause again, we're not, we're looking to learn and discover. Yeah.

1140
01:28:52.080 --> 01:28:59.040
And so did he give you any, when you were talking with him, was there anything that you were like,

1141
01:29:00.160 --> 01:29:05.760
I absolutely do not want to go on a date with this person? No, no. In fact, I mean, he,

1142
01:29:05.760 --> 01:29:10.400
he has his own home. He's a supervisor. So you learned some things that were like,

1143
01:29:10.400 --> 01:29:16.720
I would let it, it left you still being curious to learn more. There wasn't a spark. You're not

1144
01:29:17.760 --> 01:29:22.400
ladies. It's okay. If you don't know how you feel about the person, there's still a stranger.

1145
01:29:23.200 --> 01:29:29.520
It's yeah. Did they leave you being open to still continuing to learn more about them?

1146
01:29:30.240 --> 01:29:38.480
And if that's yes, then go forward. Okay. And it doesn't mean like you said, like I,

1147
01:29:39.040 --> 01:29:44.160
we don't know, like after 30 minutes, you're kind of done. Yeah. Sometimes the same way.

1148
01:29:44.800 --> 01:29:49.200
If this is the first time that you've engaged with someone like through an online dating,

1149
01:29:49.200 --> 01:29:54.320
it could have been nerves that way. I mean, you could have been stressed with some other

1150
01:29:54.320 --> 01:29:57.840
things going on in your life. Like we don't want to just say, Oh, it was just because of this guy.

1151
01:29:57.840 --> 01:29:59.760
No, it might've been just other things.

1152
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:01.840
that we were dealing with.

1153
01:30:01.840 --> 01:30:06.440
So you're looking for, okay, how do I feel

1154
01:30:06.440 --> 01:30:10.140
when I am spending time getting to know him?

1155
01:30:10.140 --> 01:30:12.580
Am I seeing something in me?

1156
01:30:12.580 --> 01:30:13.940
And what's that saying?

1157
01:30:13.940 --> 01:30:16.680
It's being curious about you,

1158
01:30:16.680 --> 01:30:18.940
but then are you still interested

1159
01:30:18.940 --> 01:30:21.340
in getting to know them as well?

1160
01:30:21.340 --> 01:30:23.800
Are you seeing any flags?

1161
01:30:23.800 --> 01:30:25.940
What are those saying?

1162
01:30:26.840 --> 01:30:28.840
What are you wanting to know more about?

1163
01:30:28.900 --> 01:30:32.120
Like it's pacing yourself.

1164
01:30:32.120 --> 01:30:35.680
And so I love a lot of things

1165
01:30:35.680 --> 01:30:40.520
because you're doing that in so many areas.

1166
01:30:40.520 --> 01:30:45.060
Like even just jumping in, getting on Facebook dating,

1167
01:30:45.060 --> 01:30:48.040
you're not looking every night,

1168
01:30:48.040 --> 01:30:50.580
you're slowing that down.

1169
01:30:50.580 --> 01:30:55.280
You're making this work for you

1170
01:30:55.280 --> 01:30:57.440
that doesn't feel overwhelming.

1171
01:30:57.440 --> 01:30:59.520
And that's growth.

1172
01:30:59.520 --> 01:31:02.680
That's healthy action.

1173
01:31:02.680 --> 01:31:07.680
And like you said, profiles can get overwhelming, ladies.

1174
01:31:09.800 --> 01:31:12.720
Just it's one thing at a time.

1175
01:31:12.720 --> 01:31:14.680
It took me forever to come up with a profile.

1176
01:31:14.680 --> 01:31:17.440
And then I needed to change it a hundred million times.

1177
01:31:18.660 --> 01:31:20.680
Because you can just go post something

1178
01:31:20.680 --> 01:31:22.840
and then if you wanna go change it, you can go change it.

1179
01:31:22.840 --> 01:31:24.920
It doesn't have to be perfect.

1180
01:31:25.840 --> 01:31:29.080
So yeah, I like that you kept things short, 30 minutes.

1181
01:31:29.080 --> 01:31:31.480
You recognize like you're someone that you're like me,

1182
01:31:31.480 --> 01:31:34.880
I need to be recharged by myself.

1183
01:31:34.880 --> 01:31:35.920
Okay, I'm an ambivert.

1184
01:31:35.920 --> 01:31:40.080
I like being around people, but then I need downtime.

1185
01:31:40.080 --> 01:31:44.400
I need quiet time to process alone.

1186
01:31:44.400 --> 01:31:48.180
And so that was probably a bit overwhelming.

1187
01:31:48.180 --> 01:31:51.580
Like first conversation probably in a really long time.

1188
01:31:51.580 --> 01:31:52.420
It was.

1189
01:31:52.420 --> 01:31:55.980
That 30 minutes is good.

1190
01:31:55.980 --> 01:31:56.820
Yeah, thank you.

1191
01:31:56.820 --> 01:31:59.140
I don't want you to think like

1192
01:31:59.140 --> 01:32:03.420
there's something wrong because you were exhausted

1193
01:32:03.420 --> 01:32:05.500
or maybe there wasn't a spark.

1194
01:32:05.500 --> 01:32:07.400
I like that you recognize there's some things

1195
01:32:07.400 --> 01:32:10.060
that you are both interested in.

1196
01:32:10.060 --> 01:32:10.900
Yeah.

1197
01:32:10.900 --> 01:32:13.100
There's some things that were some good signs

1198
01:32:13.100 --> 01:32:15.180
like he owns a home.

1199
01:32:15.180 --> 01:32:17.380
Okay, like you're seeing something

1200
01:32:17.380 --> 01:32:20.760
like you're making some observations and that is good.

1201
01:32:20.760 --> 01:32:23.400
And so I think it's good.

1202
01:32:23.400 --> 01:32:25.720
Set up a Google voice, shoot him a message saying,

1203
01:32:25.720 --> 01:32:28.480
hey, it was really nice getting to know you.

1204
01:32:28.480 --> 01:32:31.720
If you ever want to do it again, here is my number.

1205
01:32:31.720 --> 01:32:35.200
Yeah, I think that's great.

1206
01:32:35.200 --> 01:32:36.080
And I'm going to do that.

1207
01:32:36.080 --> 01:32:38.640
And I also just wonder,

1208
01:32:38.640 --> 01:32:41.000
sometimes I felt like I was trying to

1209
01:32:41.000 --> 01:32:44.200
keep the conversation going and keep, you know,

1210
01:32:44.200 --> 01:32:46.560
so would it be okay if we do talk again,

1211
01:32:46.560 --> 01:32:49.640
if I just kind of like let him kind of take the lead

1212
01:32:49.640 --> 01:32:50.480
in regards to like-

1213
01:32:50.480 --> 01:32:51.320
Yeah, and even before that you can be like,

1214
01:32:51.320 --> 01:32:53.400
hey, I know last time we talked,

1215
01:32:53.400 --> 01:32:56.760
I probably took over asking a lot of the questions.

1216
01:32:56.760 --> 01:32:58.400
I mean, sometimes I'll just admit that like,

1217
01:32:58.400 --> 01:33:02.040
hey, and again, whether you did or didn't,

1218
01:33:02.040 --> 01:33:07.040
it just signals to them you were recognizing

1219
01:33:07.040 --> 01:33:09.340
that you were doing more of the talking.

1220
01:33:09.340 --> 01:33:10.180
Yeah.

1221
01:33:10.180 --> 01:33:12.280
I noticed I did, I asked a lot of the questions.

1222
01:33:12.280 --> 01:33:15.200
I wanted to make sure that I gave you an opportunity

1223
01:33:15.200 --> 01:33:16.740
to ask whatever you wanted.

1224
01:33:16.740 --> 01:33:19.380
So, you know, when we connect next,

1225
01:33:20.700 --> 01:33:22.740
please feel free to come with, you know,

1226
01:33:22.740 --> 01:33:25.700
questions to ask me, you know.

1227
01:33:25.700 --> 01:33:28.020
Yeah, I like that.

1228
01:33:28.020 --> 01:33:29.620
But I would also encourage

1229
01:33:29.620 --> 01:33:31.860
still have some backup questions.

1230
01:33:31.860 --> 01:33:32.700
Okay.

1231
01:33:32.700 --> 01:33:36.340
Some guys are just not great at making conversation.

1232
01:33:36.340 --> 01:33:37.460
Right.

1233
01:33:37.460 --> 01:33:41.540
Women are, women typically have more words.

1234
01:33:41.540 --> 01:33:43.180
Yeah.

1235
01:33:43.180 --> 01:33:44.020
Cool, thank you, Carla.

1236
01:33:44.020 --> 01:33:46.100
Okay, you're welcome.

1237
01:33:46.100 --> 01:33:47.420
All right, Karen, you're up next

1238
01:33:47.420 --> 01:33:49.140
and then I'm gonna go look in the chat.

1239
01:33:49.140 --> 01:33:51.340
Okay, mine's really quick.

1240
01:33:51.340 --> 01:33:54.580
I just wanted to know if being condescending

1241
01:33:54.580 --> 01:33:56.660
is a red flag or yellow?

1242
01:33:58.500 --> 01:34:01.100
Well, can you give me more information?

1243
01:34:01.100 --> 01:34:02.620
Like, when was this?

1244
01:34:02.620 --> 01:34:03.820
What happened?

1245
01:34:03.820 --> 01:34:08.820
Oh, I'm just, this was years and years

1246
01:34:08.900 --> 01:34:11.480
with somebody who's always condescending.

1247
01:34:12.620 --> 01:34:14.900
You just said they're always condescending.

1248
01:34:14.900 --> 01:34:16.620
So they show up frequently like this.

1249
01:34:16.620 --> 01:34:17.740
Consistently, yeah.

1250
01:34:17.740 --> 01:34:18.820
So it's consistent.

1251
01:34:19.860 --> 01:34:23.180
So would that be a flag or not?

1252
01:34:23.180 --> 01:34:24.460
That'd be red.

1253
01:34:24.460 --> 01:34:25.660
Yeah.

1254
01:34:25.660 --> 01:34:27.540
What if you mention it to them

1255
01:34:27.540 --> 01:34:32.020
and then they reflect and try not to do it,

1256
01:34:32.020 --> 01:34:34.300
but sometimes slip up?

1257
01:34:34.300 --> 01:34:38.740
And that's, they're, it's recognizing the heart.

1258
01:34:38.740 --> 01:34:41.100
Like, do you see that they really

1259
01:34:41.100 --> 01:34:43.460
are making a conscious effort?

1260
01:34:43.460 --> 01:34:44.660
Do they really try?

1261
01:34:45.300 --> 01:34:47.540
Ladies, I will say you typically know

1262
01:34:47.540 --> 01:34:52.340
when people genuinely are not trying to show up

1263
01:34:52.340 --> 01:34:54.660
in a way that they wanna grow.

1264
01:34:54.660 --> 01:34:59.660
It's very rare that people don't show that.

1265
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:03.040
when you're around people, you will recognize,

1266
01:35:05.080 --> 01:35:09.880
do they offer an invitation of growth

1267
01:35:09.880 --> 01:35:12.160
or are they just doing it to please you

1268
01:35:12.160 --> 01:35:13.560
and then just push it aside?

1269
01:35:14.480 --> 01:35:15.760
You're gonna recognize that.

1270
01:35:15.760 --> 01:35:18.220
Those are the things that you're gonna sit back and observe.

1271
01:35:18.220 --> 01:35:20.000
How do they show up?

1272
01:35:20.000 --> 01:35:22.000
So yeah, if you're bringing up like,

1273
01:35:22.000 --> 01:35:27.000
hey, this made me feel this way

1274
01:35:27.900 --> 01:35:29.840
and I didn't really like whatever,

1275
01:35:29.980 --> 01:35:32.920
and you're communicating it in a healthy way

1276
01:35:32.920 --> 01:35:37.920
and there is a sincerity and they take the ownership of it,

1277
01:35:38.500 --> 01:35:40.920
they hold themselves accountable to it,

1278
01:35:40.920 --> 01:35:44.220
doesn't have to be perfect, okay?

1279
01:35:44.220 --> 01:35:46.380
I still show up in my marriage of things

1280
01:35:46.380 --> 01:35:48.860
that I need to work on and I don't always do them perfectly

1281
01:35:48.860 --> 01:35:52.060
and I have to go back and I have to own up to them.

1282
01:35:52.060 --> 01:35:54.020
My husband does the same thing.

1283
01:35:54.020 --> 01:35:55.480
There's things that he's working on

1284
01:35:55.480 --> 01:35:57.340
that he doesn't do it perfectly,

1285
01:35:57.340 --> 01:35:59.420
but he's consistently tries,

1286
01:35:59.920 --> 01:36:02.520
doesn't mean he does it perfectly,

1287
01:36:02.520 --> 01:36:06.840
but it takes time sometimes to change our habits.

1288
01:36:06.840 --> 01:36:09.440
And so I would be more or less looking,

1289
01:36:10.920 --> 01:36:13.400
when you bring it up, how are they responding?

1290
01:36:14.440 --> 01:36:17.640
And there's consistently like,

1291
01:36:17.640 --> 01:36:19.840
you're noticing like it's almost every day

1292
01:36:19.840 --> 01:36:24.840
or every other day and when you see it,

1293
01:36:25.680 --> 01:36:27.320
how do you respond?

1294
01:36:27.340 --> 01:36:30.580
Like, if they come at you condescending,

1295
01:36:30.580 --> 01:36:34.900
are you saying, hey, that felt really condescending to me?

1296
01:36:36.340 --> 01:36:37.900
What's their response?

1297
01:36:37.900 --> 01:36:40.100
Usually say nothing.

1298
01:36:40.100 --> 01:36:43.940
And then I reflect back when I'm by myself

1299
01:36:43.940 --> 01:36:46.000
and then I'm like, wait a minute.

1300
01:36:47.140 --> 01:36:49.700
And then it's kind of too late and I don't know.

1301
01:36:51.740 --> 01:36:56.580
I tend to not have the answer

1302
01:36:56.640 --> 01:36:59.760
or the come back quickly.

1303
01:36:59.760 --> 01:37:03.520
It's always after I reflect and then I have my answer,

1304
01:37:03.520 --> 01:37:05.920
but then it's kind of like a mute point

1305
01:37:05.920 --> 01:37:07.440
to even bring it up again.

1306
01:37:07.440 --> 01:37:10.960
Okay, so I wanna dig a little bit with that then.

1307
01:37:10.960 --> 01:37:14.580
So, cause here's the thing, you might not in that moment,

1308
01:37:14.580 --> 01:37:17.240
you might need time to process

1309
01:37:17.240 --> 01:37:18.320
and there's nothing wrong with that.

1310
01:37:18.320 --> 01:37:19.480
That's how you operate.

1311
01:37:19.480 --> 01:37:21.040
Like I'm like that.

1312
01:37:21.040 --> 01:37:23.640
If I'm in the middle of a heated discussion,

1313
01:37:23.640 --> 01:37:27.580
I can get flooded and I'm not thinking clearly.

1314
01:37:27.580 --> 01:37:32.260
But when I get myself quiet and I go process it

1315
01:37:32.260 --> 01:37:34.100
and then I recognize things and I'm like,

1316
01:37:34.100 --> 01:37:36.960
okay, I did this and I didn't like how I showed up here,

1317
01:37:36.960 --> 01:37:41.060
but when this happened, I wanna address this.

1318
01:37:41.060 --> 01:37:43.740
And I'm now in a calmer state.

1319
01:37:43.740 --> 01:37:48.740
I wanna ask you, what's going on inside you

1320
01:37:49.460 --> 01:37:52.100
that makes you feel like you can't bring it up again?

1321
01:37:54.340 --> 01:37:57.180
Cause you said, after I've gone through

1322
01:37:57.180 --> 01:38:01.460
and thought about it, then it's kind of like,

1323
01:38:01.460 --> 01:38:03.460
oh, it's already happened.

1324
01:38:03.460 --> 01:38:05.900
It's not, there's no point in addressing it.

1325
01:38:05.900 --> 01:38:08.060
Yeah, with this particular person,

1326
01:38:08.060 --> 01:38:11.420
it's because if I bring it up again, it's his reaction.

1327
01:38:11.420 --> 01:38:12.900
So there you go.

1328
01:38:12.900 --> 01:38:16.500
Yeah, you just mentioned all of this.

1329
01:38:16.500 --> 01:38:17.340
Yeah.

1330
01:38:17.340 --> 01:38:18.940
And so then that's a pattern.

1331
01:38:18.940 --> 01:38:19.760
Yeah.

1332
01:38:19.760 --> 01:38:20.600
Okay.

1333
01:38:20.600 --> 01:38:22.900
And that's their response.

1334
01:38:22.900 --> 01:38:25.080
And so even bringing up that and just saying,

1335
01:38:25.080 --> 01:38:28.320
hey, I wanna come to you about something,

1336
01:38:28.320 --> 01:38:33.320
but I've noticed I don't because of this response,

1337
01:38:35.440 --> 01:38:37.160
can we work on that?

1338
01:38:38.760 --> 01:38:40.200
I mean, I would now address-

1339
01:38:40.200 --> 01:38:43.520
It's a past marriage anyway, so it's over.

1340
01:38:43.520 --> 01:38:47.720
But yeah, I was just curious.

1341
01:38:48.720 --> 01:38:50.420
So yeah, I would just be looking at that stuff.

1342
01:38:50.420 --> 01:38:52.720
And I think that's, these are good things

1343
01:38:53.540 --> 01:38:55.620
that you're processing through because now as you enter

1344
01:38:55.620 --> 01:38:57.660
into dating and getting to know people,

1345
01:38:57.660 --> 01:39:01.380
you're recognizing patterns that you had

1346
01:39:01.380 --> 01:39:04.100
and patterns that you recognize in people.

1347
01:39:04.100 --> 01:39:07.740
And now you can see it through a different lens.

1348
01:39:07.740 --> 01:39:10.780
It's gonna be more clear so that you now have wisdom

1349
01:39:10.780 --> 01:39:13.500
and some discernment based on the past experience.

1350
01:39:13.500 --> 01:39:15.420
And it doesn't have to be out of fear,

1351
01:39:15.420 --> 01:39:19.540
but now you can recognize I didn't address things

1352
01:39:19.540 --> 01:39:21.840
because of how they responded.

1353
01:39:23.060 --> 01:39:28.060
That alone, you're gonna want to be mindful of

1354
01:39:28.280 --> 01:39:30.400
if you recognize that pattern again

1355
01:39:30.400 --> 01:39:32.920
in anybody that you're getting to know.

1356
01:39:32.920 --> 01:39:36.520
And then you can act differently.

1357
01:39:36.520 --> 01:39:38.480
You can respond differently.

1358
01:39:38.480 --> 01:39:42.160
Where now, hey, I'm going to respond.

1359
01:39:43.060 --> 01:39:47.440
I don't feel safe to bring up things that matter to me

1360
01:39:47.460 --> 01:39:49.620
because this response.

1361
01:39:50.660 --> 01:39:53.420
And then you can ask for a need that needs to be met.

1362
01:39:53.420 --> 01:39:57.020
Cause that happens sometimes in my marriage.

1363
01:39:57.020 --> 01:40:00.180
Like sometimes I'm like, it depends on how I.

1364
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.480
a voice of concern that might trigger my husband to give me that response.

1365
01:40:05.480 --> 01:40:07.680
And so now we both get to reflect on that.

1366
01:40:08.720 --> 01:40:14.800
But if I constantly ignored it because I was avoiding his response, we

1367
01:40:14.800 --> 01:40:16.080
weren't going to work anything out.

1368
01:40:17.640 --> 01:40:23.480
And so now I recognize, Oh, that was a pattern I had in a lot

1369
01:40:23.480 --> 01:40:24.920
of my other relationships.

1370
01:40:25.840 --> 01:40:29.640
So now I get to operate and do things differently and God can now work

1371
01:40:29.640 --> 01:40:31.880
on me and I get to go to the Lord.

1372
01:40:31.880 --> 01:40:34.440
I mean, like, help me process this.

1373
01:40:34.440 --> 01:40:36.120
What, what are you trying to reveal to me?

1374
01:40:36.120 --> 01:40:37.280
What are you trying to show me here?

1375
01:40:38.680 --> 01:40:43.240
And so I think it's good that this is getting brought up so that as you

1376
01:40:43.440 --> 01:40:46.320
navigate dating, these are things that you're looking for.

1377
01:40:46.320 --> 01:40:52.200
So just even being able to recognize that alone, the consistent showing up

1378
01:40:52.200 --> 01:40:59.480
condescending is a pattern and the way they respond is a pattern, but then

1379
01:40:59.480 --> 01:41:04.520
you recognize a pattern in you, a fear of not wanting to address something

1380
01:41:04.560 --> 01:41:08.040
because the fear of how they respond.

1381
01:41:08.800 --> 01:41:09.760
That's a pattern in you.

1382
01:41:09.760 --> 01:41:10.840
That's a flag in you.

1383
01:41:11.440 --> 01:41:12.760
That's a good point.

1384
01:41:12.840 --> 01:41:15.920
Cause I want to do things differently the next time around.

1385
01:41:16.520 --> 01:41:18.040
So that's a really good point.

1386
01:41:18.040 --> 01:41:18.560
Thank you.

1387
01:41:18.840 --> 01:41:19.520
You're welcome.

1388
01:41:19.920 --> 01:41:20.200
All right.

1389
01:41:20.200 --> 01:41:27.840
I think I got a couple of questions here in the chat, so let's go through here.

1390
01:41:28.840 --> 01:41:29.120
Okay.

1391
01:41:29.120 --> 01:41:30.520
Jennifer's question.

1392
01:41:30.960 --> 01:41:34.320
Um, I've not really dated and would say almost never.

1393
01:41:34.360 --> 01:41:34.840
Okay.

1394
01:41:35.400 --> 01:41:37.120
Um, never been married nor kissed.

1395
01:41:37.160 --> 01:41:37.640
Okay.

1396
01:41:38.200 --> 01:41:42.920
How could I get better familiar with these flags since I'm not dated?

1397
01:41:43.600 --> 01:41:47.320
Um, also I shared something in phase one of a situation in church.

1398
01:41:47.360 --> 01:41:52.320
I started recognizing of when I crushed on a, on guys in church growing up.

1399
01:41:52.600 --> 01:41:54.200
Can I post that in the community?

1400
01:41:54.240 --> 01:41:55.160
Absolutely.

1401
01:41:55.440 --> 01:41:57.320
Definitely post that in the community chat.

1402
01:41:57.760 --> 01:42:01.320
Um, you know, when in doubt, post everything in the community chat.

1403
01:42:02.200 --> 01:42:09.400
Like the more we, the more details that we have, the more we get to unpack and grow.

1404
01:42:09.960 --> 01:42:15.000
And believe it or not, the things that you share, many women are going to relate to.

1405
01:42:15.560 --> 01:42:20.400
Um, as far as like ways to get familiar with these flags, it's just going to

1406
01:42:20.400 --> 01:42:22.440
be walking through the experience.

1407
01:42:22.840 --> 01:42:25.640
It's going to be like, share with us what it is.

1408
01:42:25.640 --> 01:42:27.920
It's going through your mind, through your heart.

1409
01:42:28.240 --> 01:42:30.080
You know, what fears are coming up in you?

1410
01:42:30.080 --> 01:42:31.440
What, what scares you?

1411
01:42:31.440 --> 01:42:32.960
What is exciting to you?

1412
01:42:33.360 --> 01:42:35.480
Um, what are you noticing?

1413
01:42:35.920 --> 01:42:36.360
Okay.

1414
01:42:36.360 --> 01:42:41.680
It, it, even now, like with this activation, um, you're gonna do a flag audit.

1415
01:42:42.280 --> 01:42:49.640
Pick a friendship or, um, a family member and look at green flags,

1416
01:42:49.640 --> 01:42:51.160
yellow flags, and red flags.

1417
01:42:51.400 --> 01:42:52.400
Look at that.

1418
01:42:52.640 --> 01:42:54.120
And recognize those things.

1419
01:42:54.480 --> 01:42:58.520
Um, if you're not sure about a flag, that's when I will

1420
01:42:58.520 --> 01:42:59.920
encourage you ladies just post.

1421
01:43:00.280 --> 01:43:01.920
We'll talk through those things.

1422
01:43:02.280 --> 01:43:08.640
We're going to, we'll get down to the, um, what lens are we looking at?

1423
01:43:08.680 --> 01:43:16.760
Something the wise, and it will help us coach you because we'll get to ask you

1424
01:43:16.760 --> 01:43:21.880
questions that you then get to go into prayer and process through.

1425
01:43:22.320 --> 01:43:23.680
Cause it's gonna be different for everybody.

1426
01:43:24.680 --> 01:43:26.680
Everyone's going to have different flags.

1427
01:43:28.480 --> 01:43:31.960
You know, if you've been cheated on, that's a flag for some

1428
01:43:31.960 --> 01:43:33.800
people on how people show up.

1429
01:43:35.200 --> 01:43:40.920
Or, you know, just even not having the experience with dating that alone

1430
01:43:40.960 --> 01:43:45.240
might make us a little standoffish.

1431
01:43:45.240 --> 01:43:47.680
And that might put a guard up and that might be a flag.

1432
01:43:47.680 --> 01:43:49.920
Like, I don't know how to respond to people.

1433
01:43:49.920 --> 01:43:52.920
I don't know if this person's responding and they're healthy or they're not

1434
01:43:52.920 --> 01:43:54.440
because I've never experienced it.

1435
01:43:54.800 --> 01:43:56.800
We're all going to have things.

1436
01:43:56.800 --> 01:44:00.360
And so when we share it here in community, that's the best way.

1437
01:44:01.480 --> 01:44:04.720
And it's not always, and that, and you could probably go back even to some of

1438
01:44:04.720 --> 01:44:09.320
the, I don't know exactly when you joined phase two, but, um, over the last month,

1439
01:44:09.320 --> 01:44:18.880
we've talked a lot about, um, the need for certainty and that, um, we tend to

1440
01:44:18.880 --> 01:44:22.920
want certainty, but when we're doing that, we're not really releasing the

1441
01:44:22.920 --> 01:44:27.360
control typically as we're taking on that control, we want certainty.

1442
01:44:27.840 --> 01:44:32.120
But then when we do that, it's actually keeping us from things.

1443
01:44:32.120 --> 01:44:37.160
So there's lots of teachings on that over the last month or so that you could

1444
01:44:37.160 --> 01:44:39.280
probably get some good information on too.

1445
01:44:39.640 --> 01:44:43.360
Um, but I'm excited for you.

1446
01:44:44.040 --> 01:44:45.760
I'm excited for you to be in here.

1447
01:44:46.000 --> 01:44:53.480
So, um, like I said, I was like, I recognized you and I'm like, no,

1448
01:44:53.480 --> 01:44:55.080
she's not new to phase two.

1449
01:44:55.120 --> 01:44:57.560
But then I was like, when you said you were new, I'm like, oh, that's right.

1450
01:44:57.560 --> 01:45:00.080
Cause I went and helped in phase one first.

1451
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:01.400
for a hot minute.

1452
01:45:01.400 --> 01:45:05.520
And so, so good to have you.

1453
01:45:05.520 --> 01:45:07.600
All right, I think there was another question.

1454
01:45:07.600 --> 01:45:11.160
So hopefully that helped answer your question, Jennifer.

1455
01:45:11.160 --> 01:45:12.000
Awesome.

1456
01:45:12.000 --> 01:45:13.760
Okay, next question.

1457
01:45:13.760 --> 01:45:16.800
You're talking to a guy who's 44 years old and you're 49.

1458
01:45:16.800 --> 01:45:19.320
Okay, that's good.

1459
01:45:20.800 --> 01:45:23.160
You'll hear us talking a lot that sometimes

1460
01:45:23.160 --> 01:45:25.240
it's not about ages, it's about seasons.

1461
01:45:26.600 --> 01:45:29.380
Some people are like, oh, at what age should I date?

1462
01:45:29.380 --> 01:45:32.180
Well, it depends on what season you're in.

1463
01:45:32.180 --> 01:45:34.380
You have two daughters and he doesn't have any children.

1464
01:45:34.380 --> 01:45:36.280
He says he's not interested in having children,

1465
01:45:36.280 --> 01:45:38.580
but I feel some kind of insecurity

1466
01:45:38.580 --> 01:45:40.340
because of the age difference

1467
01:45:40.340 --> 01:45:42.660
and the fact that he doesn't have children.

1468
01:45:42.660 --> 01:45:44.820
What if he changes his mind later on?

1469
01:45:46.260 --> 01:45:47.900
Give me some suggestions or thoughts.

1470
01:45:47.900 --> 01:45:51.700
Okay, I don't know if you're able to unmute,

1471
01:45:51.700 --> 01:45:56.700
but let me, and if you can't,

1472
01:46:00.180 --> 01:46:02.460
if you can type in the response.

1473
01:46:02.460 --> 01:46:07.460
Okay, so how long have y'all been talking?

1474
01:46:09.860 --> 01:46:11.860
Have you been on a first date?

1475
01:46:16.700 --> 01:46:19.780
I don't know if you're able to jump in.

1476
01:46:21.700 --> 01:46:26.700
I'm giving you a minute.

1477
01:46:33.700 --> 01:46:35.700
Because here's the thing, ladies.

1478
01:46:35.700 --> 01:46:37.620
These are good questions.

1479
01:46:37.620 --> 01:46:42.540
If this is beginning stages,

1480
01:46:44.340 --> 01:46:45.700
we're gonna slow it down

1481
01:46:47.180 --> 01:46:49.420
because we're just getting to know somebody.

1482
01:46:49.420 --> 01:46:54.420
When we start projecting on what possibly might happen,

1483
01:46:55.660 --> 01:46:57.940
like I have children, they don't,

1484
01:46:57.940 --> 01:46:59.940
what if they change their mind?

1485
01:46:59.940 --> 01:47:03.220
We haven't even gotten through some of the get to know you.

1486
01:47:03.220 --> 01:47:04.860
We don't even know if there's someone

1487
01:47:04.860 --> 01:47:08.740
that is in alignment with us.

1488
01:47:08.740 --> 01:47:10.500
Like, do we get along?

1489
01:47:10.500 --> 01:47:15.140
Do we have some things in common?

1490
01:47:15.140 --> 01:47:18.140
Do we enjoy being around each other?

1491
01:47:18.140 --> 01:47:21.100
Those things are going to be important.

1492
01:47:21.100 --> 01:47:25.780
And so that's when I want you ladies to slow down

1493
01:47:25.780 --> 01:47:26.900
in these beginning stages

1494
01:47:26.900 --> 01:47:28.460
of when you're getting to know someone.

1495
01:47:28.460 --> 01:47:31.940
It's these questions of, but what if this?

1496
01:47:31.940 --> 01:47:33.420
What if that?

1497
01:47:33.420 --> 01:47:34.260
We're gonna slow it back.

1498
01:47:34.260 --> 01:47:38.260
You're just getting to know someone right now.

1499
01:47:38.260 --> 01:47:40.820
Let all of the other stuff work itself out.

1500
01:47:40.820 --> 01:47:42.060
And I know that we were in a rush

1501
01:47:42.060 --> 01:47:45.060
because we just don't wanna waste time.

1502
01:47:45.060 --> 01:47:47.580
But if you were on earlier, I said,

1503
01:47:47.580 --> 01:47:52.580
you are going to waste more time stressing about things

1504
01:47:55.060 --> 01:47:59.400
or not getting more information and slowing down,

1505
01:47:59.400 --> 01:48:01.820
you're gonna waste more time in the end.

1506
01:48:03.300 --> 01:48:08.300
So I would hang tight for just a minute.

1507
01:48:11.620 --> 01:48:13.600
He's 44 years old.

1508
01:48:14.240 --> 01:48:17.280
Um, your two daughters.

1509
01:48:17.280 --> 01:48:21.580
Another question I'm gonna have is how old are your kids?

1510
01:48:22.600 --> 01:48:24.840
Okay, you've been talking for two weeks.

1511
01:48:24.840 --> 01:48:28.760
Are your kids grown and out of the house?

1512
01:48:30.720 --> 01:48:32.640
Or are they still living with you?

1513
01:48:32.640 --> 01:48:35.360
And like school age?

1514
01:48:35.360 --> 01:48:38.300
Okay, so you still have a 15 year old

1515
01:48:38.300 --> 01:48:39.280
and they're living with you.

1516
01:48:39.280 --> 01:48:41.280
Okay, so that's gonna be important.

1517
01:48:41.280 --> 01:48:43.740
So again, like these aren't,

1518
01:48:43.740 --> 01:48:47.160
you're not gonna want to ask a bunch of questions about that.

1519
01:48:47.160 --> 01:48:50.640
This is, you're just aware I have children.

1520
01:48:50.640 --> 01:48:52.800
He doesn't want children.

1521
01:48:52.800 --> 01:48:54.360
As we get to know each other,

1522
01:48:54.360 --> 01:48:57.200
if I'm seeing things of, you know,

1523
01:48:57.200 --> 01:49:00.340
I enjoy this person, I wanna get to know them more.

1524
01:49:00.340 --> 01:49:02.800
As we continue to get to know each other

1525
01:49:04.160 --> 01:49:05.920
after a couple dates,

1526
01:49:05.920 --> 01:49:08.400
we're gonna need to bring that into light.

1527
01:49:08.400 --> 01:49:10.960
So hey, as we're getting to know each other,

1528
01:49:12.960 --> 01:49:16.440
I'm curious, I have a 15 year old.

1529
01:49:16.440 --> 01:49:18.680
Have you ever thought about what that would look like?

1530
01:49:18.680 --> 01:49:22.040
Have you ever dated anybody that had kids?

1531
01:49:22.040 --> 01:49:25.360
You're not gonna ask those questions in the beginning

1532
01:49:25.360 --> 01:49:27.800
on those first couple dates.

1533
01:49:27.800 --> 01:49:30.440
You're just asking those surface level,

1534
01:49:30.440 --> 01:49:32.600
who are they, what's their life like?

1535
01:49:32.600 --> 01:49:34.720
Like we're not doing the deep dive stuff,

1536
01:49:34.720 --> 01:49:36.480
like the future stuff.

1537
01:49:36.480 --> 01:49:38.720
You're just getting to know them.

1538
01:49:38.720 --> 01:49:40.040
Are you compatible?

1539
01:49:40.040 --> 01:49:43.200
Do you enjoy who they are when you show up?

1540
01:49:43.200 --> 01:49:45.640
Do you feel like you can be yourself?

1541
01:49:45.640 --> 01:49:48.220
So yeah, you have things in common and some interests.

1542
01:49:48.220 --> 01:49:49.460
That's great.

1543
01:49:50.720 --> 01:49:55.560
Is he aware of, is he aware of the age difference?

1544
01:49:55.560 --> 01:49:58.640
I mean, I don't think the age difference really is an issue.

1545
01:49:58.640 --> 01:49:59.640
I would,

1546
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:08.340
I would ask yourself, what's the root of the insecurity of the age difference?

1547
01:50:08.340 --> 01:50:15.200
Is it because, you know, you're afraid he's going to want kids and you know you're done

1548
01:50:15.200 --> 01:50:19.520
having children?

1549
01:50:19.520 --> 01:50:21.040
And so he says he doesn't mind at all.

1550
01:50:21.040 --> 01:50:27.760
So yeah, you have to take people for what they say.

1551
01:50:27.760 --> 01:50:34.400
He has an obligation to share honestly with you just as you have the opportunity to be

1552
01:50:34.400 --> 01:50:39.440
honest with him as you're getting to know people.

1553
01:50:39.440 --> 01:50:46.840
So it's not on you to determine if he's going to change his mind.

1554
01:50:46.840 --> 01:50:48.960
That's him.

1555
01:50:48.960 --> 01:50:55.100
He gets to decide if he's going to be honest with you.

1556
01:50:55.100 --> 01:50:59.020
And so if he's telling you, look, I'm, I'm okay with that.

1557
01:50:59.020 --> 01:51:03.440
I'm okay not having, there are men out there that they're okay not having kids.

1558
01:51:03.440 --> 01:51:10.940
They're okay just being, you know, bonus stats.

1559
01:51:10.940 --> 01:51:17.660
I had the same questions and concerns too, because I was in my late, my late thirties.

1560
01:51:17.660 --> 01:51:23.860
And so I, um, I wanted to have more kids.

1561
01:51:23.900 --> 01:51:30.780
I was afraid if I would be able to at my age, cause I'm like, I can't predict that.

1562
01:51:30.780 --> 01:51:35.620
And so I would get nervous of if I'm dating someone younger and they want kids and then

1563
01:51:35.620 --> 01:51:40.940
what if I can't, and here's the thing is you're going to spend so much time worrying about

1564
01:51:40.940 --> 01:51:43.260
all of that.

1565
01:51:43.260 --> 01:51:47.580
And it's, it's not even, it's not even necessary.

1566
01:51:47.580 --> 01:51:50.700
I thought I wanted to have more kids and that's what I was looking for.

1567
01:51:50.700 --> 01:51:58.980
And then I met my husband and he couldn't have more kids, but he had kids from his

1568
01:51:58.980 --> 01:51:59.980
last marriage.

1569
01:51:59.980 --> 01:52:02.100
And so I got more kids.

1570
01:52:02.100 --> 01:52:05.860
It just looked differently than what I thought it was going to be.

1571
01:52:05.860 --> 01:52:07.700
And so I had been sitting here worried.

1572
01:52:07.700 --> 01:52:10.700
What if I can't, what if I can't, what if I want this?

1573
01:52:10.700 --> 01:52:14.560
And God already knew what that was going to look like.

1574
01:52:14.560 --> 01:52:22.880
And so I would encourage you just for right now, two weeks in, enjoy the process of getting

1575
01:52:22.880 --> 01:52:30.400
to know someone new, get an in-person date if they're nearby, spend some time video calling

1576
01:52:30.400 --> 01:52:39.360
if they're not, get to know them, get some dates under your belt with them and see where

1577
01:52:39.360 --> 01:52:40.840
that leads.

1578
01:52:41.160 --> 01:52:47.680
But right now in that two week period, you do not have to have all of those answered.

1579
01:52:47.680 --> 01:52:53.960
And again, he's telling you he's fine with the age and he's like, if he's like, I don't

1580
01:52:53.960 --> 01:52:56.260
want kids, then guess what?

1581
01:52:56.260 --> 01:52:58.840
Take him for what he says.

1582
01:52:58.840 --> 01:53:05.520
He says if he changes his mind or if he wasn't being honest with you in the beginning, then

1583
01:53:05.520 --> 01:53:09.880
that's on him and you don't have to carry that.

1584
01:53:10.560 --> 01:53:12.640
All right, so hopefully that helped.

1585
01:53:12.640 --> 01:53:15.960
All right, ladies, it was wonderful chatting with you.

1586
01:53:15.960 --> 01:53:17.200
I see you, Cynthia.

1587
01:53:17.200 --> 01:53:18.600
I responded.

1588
01:53:18.600 --> 01:53:23.320
I know I'll have to look at my schedule and see what's available because I know you were

1589
01:53:23.320 --> 01:53:26.480
asking about a one on one.

1590
01:53:26.480 --> 01:53:31.680
If you are able to, were you able to look under the resource tab and click, were you

1591
01:53:31.680 --> 01:53:35.680
able to get onto that link to look at my schedule?

1592
01:53:35.720 --> 01:53:41.920
And yeah, no, but it was the stock today was was gone when I was looking earlier, I could

1593
01:53:41.920 --> 01:53:46.800
book it because it said, you know, if the coach is available, you'll you won't get a

1594
01:53:46.800 --> 01:53:47.680
refund for your money.

1595
01:53:47.680 --> 01:53:49.920
I thought, oh, OK, let me just check.

1596
01:53:49.920 --> 01:53:54.720
No, no, I'll just buy it and reschedule.

1597
01:53:54.720 --> 01:53:59.120
But yeah, if you pick something scheduled now, if I like there have been times like

1598
01:53:59.120 --> 01:54:01.760
I'm going to actually when you said that, I'm like, oh, I've got to go double check

1599
01:54:01.760 --> 01:54:08.080
and make sure that my schedule is up to date because my Gmail calendar doesn't link with

1600
01:54:08.080 --> 01:54:10.280
my family calendar.

1601
01:54:10.280 --> 01:54:14.640
And so so I have to sometimes go and look, but I'm pretty good about it.

1602
01:54:14.640 --> 01:54:18.600
So that's where I was going to have to look just to make sure even my tomorrow schedule,

1603
01:54:18.600 --> 01:54:22.080
because I have a few appointments, but I'll go in and look that there.

1604
01:54:22.080 --> 01:54:26.960
What they're saying is appointment might book and we might be, oh, we're not available.

1605
01:54:26.960 --> 01:54:28.160
We're going to have to reschedule it.

1606
01:54:28.160 --> 01:54:32.040
But anytime I've had to reschedule, I'm pretty flexible.

1607
01:54:32.040 --> 01:54:36.720
But like I said, like if it's blocked out, it's because there's not given us enough time

1608
01:54:36.720 --> 01:54:38.200
in advance.

1609
01:54:38.200 --> 01:54:44.960
But if you look at that and it says that it's available, book it because it will we'll get

1610
01:54:44.960 --> 01:54:47.040
it on the calendar.

1611
01:54:47.040 --> 01:54:47.680
Does that make sense?

1612
01:54:47.680 --> 01:54:52.280
OK, so if I want to book something for tomorrow, which is still less than 48 hours in

1613
01:54:52.280 --> 01:54:57.680
advance, that's fine, because I change that personally, because for some people, they

1614
01:54:57.680 --> 01:54:58.680
want the 48 hours.

1615
01:54:58.680 --> 01:55:00.040
Notice me personally.

1616
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:05.000
I'm like, I think I put mine at eight hours notice.

1617
01:55:05.000 --> 01:55:08.580
I'm like, yeah, I can stay at eight hours notice.

1618
01:55:08.580 --> 01:55:09.420
Yeah.

1619
01:55:09.420 --> 01:55:10.240
Okay, yeah.

1620
01:55:10.240 --> 01:55:11.740
It was only me booking it for today, this morning,

1621
01:55:11.740 --> 01:55:13.620
but I just got nervous because I just thought,

1622
01:55:13.620 --> 01:55:17.300
well, if it's not up to date and you aren't able to do it,

1623
01:55:17.300 --> 01:55:20.820
it will get canceled and I won't get the $125 back,

1624
01:55:20.820 --> 01:55:21.760
you know what I'm saying?

1625
01:55:21.760 --> 01:55:24.660
No, and that's very, very rare.

1626
01:55:24.660 --> 01:55:26.220
It would be like a canceling,

1627
01:55:27.220 --> 01:55:31.820
you booked it and then you forgot to cancel it

1628
01:55:31.820 --> 01:55:36.380
and we didn't know and we were sitting on the call

1629
01:55:36.380 --> 01:55:39.340
waiting for you and that's when it's like,

1630
01:55:39.340 --> 01:55:41.700
okay, that's when people can't get refunded

1631
01:55:41.700 --> 01:55:46.380
is when they are not given the, but again.

1632
01:55:46.380 --> 01:55:49.100
Okay, this is very strictly, for any reason,

1633
01:55:49.100 --> 01:55:51.600
capitalized, it's all like, okay.

1634
01:55:51.600 --> 01:55:52.440
I know.

1635
01:55:54.020 --> 01:55:55.700
We just have to cover our bases there,

1636
01:55:56.540 --> 01:55:58.940
but I will say it's a really smooth process.

1637
01:55:58.940 --> 01:56:01.900
Like I've had to, you know, I've had to change some things.

1638
01:56:01.900 --> 01:56:04.160
I've had some of them be like, oh, hey, I booked this call,

1639
01:56:04.160 --> 01:56:06.780
but I actually, this time works better.

1640
01:56:06.780 --> 01:56:07.700
Can that work for you?

1641
01:56:07.700 --> 01:56:09.700
I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, totally.

1642
01:56:09.700 --> 01:56:11.460
That actually works better for me.

1643
01:56:11.460 --> 01:56:14.740
And so we're able to figure all of that out.

1644
01:56:16.140 --> 01:56:18.460
Okay, so then I'll see you back in the book for tomorrow.

1645
01:56:18.460 --> 01:56:19.580
Okay, sounds good.

1646
01:56:19.580 --> 01:56:20.580
I look forward to it.

1647
01:56:20.580 --> 01:56:21.420
Yep.

1648
01:56:21.420 --> 01:56:22.660
Perfect, awesome.

1649
01:56:22.860 --> 01:56:24.100
Thank you.

1650
01:56:24.100 --> 01:56:27.220
All right, ladies, have a great rest of your day

1651
01:56:27.220 --> 01:56:30.020
and jump on tonight with Ebony.

1652
01:56:30.020 --> 01:56:31.860
She'll be covering the same thing,

1653
01:56:31.860 --> 01:56:34.540
the flags, the red, the yellow, the green,

1654
01:56:34.540 --> 01:56:37.060
all the discernment, all the good things, okay?

1655
01:56:37.060 --> 01:56:38.960
Have a great rest of your day, ladies.