All right, hello everyone, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks book club session two.
This is week two of our book club.
If you didn't make it to week one, that's okay because you can watch the replay.
You can watch the replay and you might ask, Jackie, where is that replay?
I'm glad you asked.
That replay is in your app, Modern Dating Sucks book club app.
That is on just so you know, for those of you that are not part of our last year single
community, that app or that group, I should say, lives on our last year single app.
Your Modern Dating Sucks book club group lives within our last year single app.
I just want to put a plug in for last year single because all of you are going to get
an opportunity at the end of this book club to roll over into our last year single program,
which normally costs $300 to join.
You're going to get to go ahead and join for the subscription price of $37 a month.
You get to bypass the $297, you get to jump right in at the subscription.
It does have a subscription.
For those of you that have asked, what does the subscription include?
It includes all phases of last year single.
It includes the Our Heart Work.
It includes the Dating Accelerator.
It also includes the LYS community.
Two of those are co-ed and it includes daily prayer.
We have hundreds of singles that show up every day to prayer.
I believe it's the secret sauce of our success.
We have Saturdays, Supernatural Saturdays with me every Saturday.
All of that's available in replay.
Sunday night activations, some of them available in replay.
All of the coaching in phase one and two available in replay, also in phase three.
You're going to get mentored.
You're going to get coached.
You're going to meet other singles that are ready to mingle, that are marriage-ready,
marriage-minded men and women.
We've had lots of couples meet in our program and get married.
Lots of community-based matchmaking, single spotlights, all kinds of in-person events.
We have single cities that you will have entrance to.
Those are 25 different cities across the United States and Canada and one opening in the UK
where our community meet up and see each other.
And then you'll also have access to our brand new community-based matchmaking platform.
We're going to be opening up Jackie's List this summer.
That's going to be exciting.
So you'll get an opportunity to do that at the end of your book club if you want to.
But you're already on the app.
You're already on our app, our custom app right now in your, not right now on Zoom,
but in your book club group.
You're already there.
And so what we'll do is we'll grant you permission to go into the other parts of the app.
You're like, well, Jackie, I don't see anything else here.
Yeah, that's because you don't have permission to see it.
But trust me, there's a lot of stuff that's just lurking around that you can't see.
It's kind of like God, like, you know, you can't see him, but he's definitely here.
All right.
And so it's good.
It's a good thing.
And I hope all of you take advantage of that.
We've only made that available to our book club members.
We've never done that for any other group ever before in the six years that we've been
running Last Year Single.
All right.
So you guys, I was just talking to a student right now.
She was telling me that her wedding date is December 5th.
She's so excited.
When she came into my program Last Year Single, she was, had been chronically single her entire
life, never had really had a serious relationship.
And it was for a reason that some of you might share, you know, she's, she's in her
early forties.
And the reason why is because she's been chronically ill with Lyme disease.
So I'm not saying you have Lyme disease, but maybe you have had a controlling life circumstance.
So maybe it's a health circumstance.
Maybe it's a family circumstance.
It could be that you were divorced and you have a custody circumstance that you think
makes you disqualified or really not a good candidate for a relationship because who in
the heck would want to put up with your toxic ex-husband or ex-wife that you have to put
up with because you have kids together and you love your children and you want to parent
them well.
And so regardless of what that reason is, I just want to let you know that there's a
love story for you.
I just want to start tonight off by encouraging you.
There's a love story for you.
Perhaps you have adult children.
I have this, you guys, there's no circumstance that you have that I haven't already heard.
And I haven't already seen that person have success in their love life.
You can't bring anything to me like, Oh Jackie, I got one for you that you've never heard
before.
Nope.
You only got one leg.
I heard it before.
You know, you got a bum, you got bum kidneys that produce cysts and they've given you a
limited time amount to live. Yes. Brain tumor. Been there. Terminal cancer.
Yep. We've, we've seen those people get engaged. You're like, what? Yes.
You got a toxic former spouse that's in prison for molesting your children.
Yep. We've been there. You guys, we have seen it all y'all. Okay.
We've seen it all. So however you're disqualifying yourself.
And some of you may have adult children that have drug addictions that have
mental illness.
Maybe they're even homeless and you can't figure out how to help them and you
don't want to abandon them. And you're like,
no one's going to want to marry me knowing that at any moment I may have to run
off and help this child of mine that just can't get themselves straightened out.
You guys, that's not true. Whatever lie you're believing,
I want you to release it tonight. I want to be tonight that the,
the time that you release, whatever it is that you're carrying,
I'll give you a little preview of heartwork,
which is the first phase in last year,
single where we just kind of release all of the ideas and all of the beliefs,
all of the mindsets that are keeping us stuck.
I like to say something in heartwork. I wrote about it in my book,
the heartwork and we talk about it in heartwork,
which is phase one of last year, single. And that is, you're never, ever, ever,
ever stuck on the outside.
Your circumstances are not what have you stuck.
You're always stuck. I'm what you believe about your circumstances.
You're never stuck on the outside. You're always forever stuck on the inside.
It's not about what God can do. It's about what you believe he can do.
It's not about what you can have. It's about what you believe you can have.
It's not about the trauma that hurt you.
It's about what you believe about the trauma that hurt you.
You're not going to give up a beautiful,
abundant life because you have trauma because you were abused because you were
hurt because you were abandoned. No,
it's the lies that you believe about yourself because of that trauma.
That's going to keep you from having a big, beautiful, abundant life.
Do you hear me? And you might be like, Jackie, what do you know about it? Oh,
I know everything about it, honey.
I came into this world in a fire with gasoline underwear on.
I completely understand. I came out of my mother's womb running for my literal
life. I've seen it all. Okay.
Every type of abuse I experienced in childhood, sexual, physical, mental,
emotional, everything, abandonment,
girls home at 13 years old,
foster care in my later teenage years,
emancipated minor because
all the adults that I had ever known were unsafe.
And it was safer just to be out on my own couch surfing at 16, 17 years old.
I'm just telling you what I know about it. Okay.
So, you know, mentally ill parents, uh, you know,
addict parents, uh, family members, the Hatfields and McCoys,
family that doesn't get along, blended family divorce.
I've had a little taste of a lot of things. Okay. And this is not a,
this is not a contest. It's not a trauma contest. Cause you guys,
there's no trophies for trauma,
but I will let you know that I have had to work through a lot of things.
That's why I wrote the book.
I literally wrote the book because I lived the book, the heart work.
And I was keeping myself from having a big, beautiful,
abundant life because of what I believed about myself and what I believed was
available to me based on what had happened to me.
And you know, when I came out of agreement with all that stuff,
my life just exploded in all the right ways, my health, my wealth,
my ability to help others, my gifts and talents.
There's a lot of really crazy background noise going on here in my studio.
So I just want to make sure, and you know what my studio is?
My studio is a little Airbnb that I'm at in Southern California.
And I'm here in Southern California because I was here for a business meeting.
And now I'm on a little, you know, five,
six day vacation with my daughter and her husband and I'm loving it. Okay.
So I just want to start out with that for all of you.
So it's a little echoey in here. It's cause I'm not at home in the studio.
I'm in this Airbnb and if there's a little traffic noise over here,
it's because there's crazy traffic and that's okay because we're just going to
make it and we're just going to do it anyway.
I see another Jackie in the house tonight. I see that. Love that.
I don't hear the names Jackie very often. And I heard it.
I heard it today already. I was at a little coffee shop, order my matcha.
If you know me, you know,
I love matcha and I was ordering a matcha and after,
after they called me my name, I was with a friend.
So they actually called her name. But after that I'm sitting there.
And then I heard them call Jackie and I was, I looked up like,
I didn't order anything.
And then there was a young woman that got up and went and got her coffee.
And I was like, Oh, there's another Jackie in the house.
And so that has happened twice today. And I love it.
I grew up not seeing anyone named Jacqueline or Jackie.
where I lived and where I came from there wasn't anyone by that name and in fact they didn't you
know the key chains and the magnets you know the key chains with all the names or the magnets with
all the names Jacqueline was never on those so you know I never was able to get one of those
when I was a kid everyone wants something with their name on it right and I wasn't able to get
one because Jacqueline was not there and now I feel like I'm running into all kinds of
Jackies so welcome Jackie Cooper glad to have you here glad to see all of you guys that are here
tonight let's take a look and see I've been going through what we have we have a short we have a
small group you guys we only have 88 folks in here live tonight but we're gonna have a good
time I have been going through your questions on the app friends not a lot of you asked questions
in fact the same two people asked all the questions and so you need to take advantage of
this time with me you know not to toot my own horn but I am one of the leading relationship
experts in the country in fact I'll be on Fox News not once but twice on Wednesday doing what
weighing in on relationships weighing in on modern dating I go on there a lot I'm kind of their go-to
relationship person also been on ABC NBC okay many times I've been on Access Hollywood I've been
around why because people lean into me because of the success of my last year single program the
success of the books that I've written and so I just want to let you guys know you have access
to me for five weeks I'm the person who's answering your questions it's not it's not
another coach it's not someone posing as me it's me Jackie D all right so make sure that you're
taking advantage of that okay because it's it's a it's a great thing I believe that God has given
me a lot of wisdom in this area and and if you're honest in your question you don't beat around the
bush you just ask it outright I'm going to give you an honest answer and I hope that it helps you
get unstuck really I do because I'm not successful unless you're successful and so your success is
very important to me so friends make sure that you catch up watch week one we talked about our
first reading assignment our first set of homework questions if you didn't do that yet
you're going to want to do that now we have our next our next we're right now we're going to go
over week two's questions and homework and reading assignment we're going to unpack it we're going to
hit some highlights from what you read and what questions were asked of you we're going to talk
about your relationship advisory circle we're going to do that tonight but next week's reading
assignments are already available are they Cheryl is it dripping is it ready or is it going to be
ready after tonight it'll be ready after tonight Cheryl are you talking because I don't hear you
it'll be after tonight can you guys hear her
okay that's going to be a problem because I can't hear her so let me see real quick
you guys can hear me right yes okay um
turn up the volume Jackie okay maybe I'll do that okay Cheryl let me hear you again
Cheryl I want to hear you unmute yourself and answer my question again let me see
it will be dropped off after the class okay I can hear you it was just a situation where
I had to turn up the volume nothing complicated and you know I feel like that's a word for someone
you think that solving the problem is going to be so hard and so complicated and you don't even
want to try because you just think it's going to be so much work and literally it's something very
easy it's something very easy I can't tell you how many times God has said that to me he has said
Jackie the solution to this is very easy in fact you know what God said to me one time when I was
looking under every rock for the answer to a situation that I was in he said Jackie you know
when you hear the sound of hooves he said it's horses not zebras you're like what on earth does
that mean it's a saying you guys it's a saying I didn't know it was a saying but it is a saying it
just means that you know that the that the answer is simpler than you think it is and sometimes we
make things so complicated we make things so hard and we're running around to elemental p when the
answer is a to b okay and so if that applies to you in your life you're you know you you hear
something and you know you're you you're just like oh this is so complicated it's so complex
it's zebras no it's not it's just horses the answer is simple
Now, I had an inclination, I had a word, if you like that,
that terminology from the Lord, a premonition,
a insight into one of you that posted.
Thank you for posting all your introductions.
If you haven't introduced yourself to this group,
go do it.
If you wanna join our bonus Facebook group
for this book club, go do it.
The people from the book club before you
are in there as well.
You can meet new friends,
you can add to your advisory committee,
your advisory circle.
You might not have anyone to add to it,
and so you need more folks.
Guess what?
Go join that Facebook group,
because we're just gonna keep adding people in there.
We're not gonna take anyone out.
We're just gonna keep adding people in there
as we do these book clubs.
And so you're gonna start meeting more and more
and more people in there, okay?
And we have one more book club after this.
If you have any friends that couldn't do the book club
because it's on a weeknight
and they really don't have bandwidth on weeknights
because they have kids or they have this
or they have that,
I wanna encourage you to tell them
to join the Sunday night book club.
We're gonna be doing a book club on Sunday nights,
and that's going to be awesome.
John says his request was denied, Cheryl,
so if you can check into that,
that will be great as well.
So friends, we're here to help you
to engage with each other.
That's what the community-based matchmaking platform
that we have coming out this summer
is gonna be all about.
It's gonna help you meet new people,
it's gonna help you help others meet new people,
and it's gonna be incredible
because a lot of you, that's your main problem.
You don't know anybody.
You are single, but you're also solitary.
And I saw that in the last book club
and I'm already seeing it here.
So many people need friends, they need family,
they do not have it, and so we wanna help you have it.
That's what we wanna do.
But anyway, Dani L.,
you have a beautiful flower crown on in your picture.
In fact, two of you ladies were wearing flower crowns
in your introductory posts.
And you guys, that just reminded me so much of being brides.
I wore a flower crown at my wedding and I just love that.
I love the flower crowns.
In fact, I'm looking outside at this Airbnb
and literally the sign says Flower Street.
I didn't notice that before, but there it is.
And then the sign above that says Sunflowers, come on.
And so when I think of flowers, I think of springtime.
And I just wanna speak over Dani L.
that I just really, when I was looking at your picture,
I just, I saw you, I saw a beautiful spring bride.
I do believe that your love story
is right around the corner.
And then you might not have been meaning to do this,
but in your picture, you're holding your stomach,
you're holding above your stomach
the way people do when they're pregnant.
Now, you don't look pregnant, okay?
You're not fat, I'm not saying anything.
Don't be hearing what I'm not saying, okay?
You look beautiful.
I'm just saying that a lot of times
when people are even newly pregnant
and there's nothing showing yet,
they're like, eh, with their hands on their stomach, okay?
And you are like that in the picture.
And so I just wanna let you know
that I do see in the spirit
that there is marriage and family in your future.
And I just want to release that over you.
So if you have been doubting that,
if you've been worried about that not happening
in your life and for you,
I just wanna make sure that you know
that that is definitely something
that is over you and around you, okay?
All right, you guys.
So please go watch the replay from last week.
Post your questions in the app.
I'm gonna answer them all throughout the week
before we meet live on Mondays.
Next week, mark your calendar.
This is the only time we're gonna be meeting
a different day of the week, Tuesday, not Monday.
Tuesday the 7th, if you come on Monday,
you'll be all by yourself because no one else will be here
except the other people who didn't follow directions,
all right?
Make sure you come on Tuesday.
And the reason why is because I'm traveling
and so I can't do Monday.
I'll be on a plane, but we're gonna do Tuesday
and it's still gonna be great.
All right, all right.
Go ahead and put in the chat where you're watching from,
where you're from, country, city, state.
I want people to see who is in here with them.
Take a look.
We have North Carolina.
We have Washington.
We have Indiana.
We have New York City.
We have Tennessee.
We have Austin.
Come on.
We have San Diego.
We have Arizona.
We have so many places.
Las Vegas, some of my favorite cities ever.
And you know what?
I'm so glad we have Las Vegas in the house
because we're gonna go over the highlights
from your week two assignment.
And in week two, you learned that these apps
are a casino, baby.
These apps are a casino.
Now friends, do you think that in the capitalist country
that we live in, in America,
for those of you that are Americans,
do you think anyone is gonna do anything to help people
that doesn't make them?
money. Their primary focus is not helping you meet someone,
not helping you fall in love, not helping you get married.
Their primary focus is Ka-ching, Ka-ching. Okay.
Not you being a winner, but them being a winner.
And so the apps were designed with the same psychology
as a casino, specifically a slot machine.
Now, if you've ever played the slots,
the slots allow you to have little wins, little wins,
because they know if you don't have a little win,
that you're not going to continue to put your money in it in hopes of the big
win. If you don't have a little win, you're just going to give up like, Oh,
this is a scam. This doesn't work. Right?
I don't know if you know this, but those,
those little claws that go and they go down and they get the stuffed animal,
or they go down and get the things. You guys know that those,
those machines that you put your money in and the claw goes out and get its
little stuffed animal, or it gets another little toy of some sort.
Those things that the actual claw itself,
the strength of it being able to grab and take something all the way over and
drop it.
It is intermittent meaning that it's not a game of skill.
I know you think it's a game of skill, but it's not. It's,
it's a game of chance meaning that if you're the person that just happens to put
your money in on the time that the machine is programmed to have a strong
claw, then you're going to win.
And the reason why is because somebody has to win because otherwise nobody would
play. Same thing with slot machines.
They are programmed to have little tiny trickles of winnings,
$10 here, $20 there, 40, 50, a hundred dollars.
And then every once in a while the house gives up a larger win just to
prove that it works. Because if no one ever won any kind of jackpot,
all the people that habitually and
loyally play slot machines would stop playing.
You're like, well, no one will ever know if anyone won or not. That's not true.
You guys, people that go to casinos and play slots, they do it all the time.
They do it all the time. They're there every payday,
playing the slot machines, hoping that hoping that they're going to be the lotto
winner. Right? So people play the lottery. If nobody ever won,
right? But all the times that nobody wins the power ball,
nobody wins the super lot or nobody wins the pick three, pick four, pick five,
whatever it is.
So I just want to encourage you guys to understand that dating apps are the same
thing. They want you to have matches.
They're purposely showing you people that other people have swiped on.
It's an algorithm. It's not random. If somebody's getting swiped on a lot,
they're making sure that that person gets in front of other people.
Their dating profile gets in front of other people because they want to up the
chances of you staying on that app because you think and believe that there's
people that you could be compatible with and you could get, you know,
you could get in a right relationship with there's even profiles that are not
real. That's right.
And I'm not talking about scammers or spammers making them.
I'm talking about the apps themselves.
The apps themselves have profiles on there that look real that people would feel
like, Oh, this is a great, a great person. I'm going to swipe on this person.
Why? Because they want you to believe that there's great people on there and
there is,
and people do meet good people on there and people do get married from apps.
Not saying they don't, but we have to start playing their game.
We have to start beating them at their own game,
don't we? And that's what this chapter is about.
This chapter is about Sandra's 11 hours. You wrote,
you read about my client Sandra. How many of you see yourself in that?
When you did that exercise, how many hours have I put on the app?
How much investment have I put into swiping with really little to no fruit?
And I want you to go ahead and put the results of that work.
Go ahead and put it in the chat.
How many years have you been on apps with no, no good results?
How many months, how many hours have you, do you put in a week,
swiping, hoping for the winner, winner, chicken dinner?
Okay.
Some of you don't know where the ebook is for this course.
So you haven't read anything yet.
It is right there in the welcome packet in your
very first assignment, the welcome,
the welcome module in your.
group on the app.
Some people have given up on apps.
Jen says 12 years, 12 years with nothing to show for it.
Some of you have 13 years here with Kim.
Kim's like, I've been on there for 13 years.
15 years on and off.
You guys, I'm not saying that apps are not tools.
And I'm not saying that we can't use them and have success.
But we have to learn how to use them right.
Otherwise, the house always wins.
In Vegas, just so you know, the house always wins.
Because if someone starts beating the house,
the people that are lurking around
that you don't see because you don't understand
what they look like, they're going to want to know why.
They're going to want to know why you're winning at the blackjack
table or why you're winning here or there.
And trust me, they're going to take you aside
and have a little chat with you.
Right?
Not saying they're the mafia, but I am saying this.
The house always wins.
So we have to play a different game in order to win.
Six months, lots of you have been single all your lives,
have never had a relationship.
Two to three years on and off, two years here and there.
I hope you guys found your scripts from week one.
I hope you guys are paying attention to those scripts
that you've been running.
All right.
Good stuff, you guys.
All right, so everyone saw that there's
a lot of people that have been on the apps with no results
for a really, really long time.
A lot of people.
All right, so here's a sentence.
I want you to screenshot it, write it down.
Cheryl, if you can scribe it into the comments.
OK.
Ready?
A matchmaker succeeds.
A matchmaker, or a community-based matchmaking
program, succeeds when you don't need us anymore.
An app only succeeds when you stay on it.
I want you guys to get that in your head.
Because some of you believe that the app is your hero,
it's your savior, it is your rescuer.
And the reason why I say you believe that is because you're
treating it that way.
You get anxious.
You get anxious about the app.
You get anxious when you're meeting someone,
thinking that there's something better out there,
and that you need to get back on the apps to find it,
or you need to get back on the internet,
or you need to do whatever.
And maybe it's not the apps for you.
Maybe it's something else that you
think is going to be the magic bullet of happiness
that has to do with your love life or your dating life.
You get super anxious about not being
able to continue to get more and more options.
And this is what happens to people when
they meet people as well.
They believe that there's this endless list of options,
and that they need to make sure that this is the one.
This is the one.
This has to be the one.
If this is not the one, then I'm missing my spirit
mate out there somewhere by choosing this person.
And you're going to learn in this book club
that there's always going to be someone out there that
is better than the person you're talking to in theory.
They're a little bit taller.
They're a little bit better looking.
Maybe they have a little bit more money in their bank
account, right?
Perhaps they don't have this or they do have that.
It doesn't matter.
You have to start understanding that the perfect person does
not exist, and that every single person that you choose,
there's going to be someone out there that
has something in some category more or less or better
than them.
But you have to look at the person as a whole.
And that's why we're going to work on non-negotiables
versus preferences, because this is what happens on these apps.
You get on these apps, and if you're not
armed with the understanding that nobody is going
to have everything that you want or the best of the things
that you want, and that you're going
to have to make it work with anyone,
no matter who you choose, you're going to be swiping forever.
Do you guys believe me?
Do you guys know this game that the kids play, Gen Z plays?
It's called Make It or Break It.
Raise your hand if you know what Make It or Break It is.
Put your hand up.
Let me see.
Do you know what it is?
Raise your hand.
No, there's two versions of it.
Do you know what it is?
Raise your hand.
There's a version of it that sounds like
Do you know what it is?
they're a 10, but,
Raise your hand.
and then they usually add some kind of crazy thing to that.
Like for instance,
she's a 10, but
she has 12 toes.
Yes or no.
This is what the kids play, right?
And then the other version of make it or break it is
they have, they're everything you ever wanted,
but they have chronic halitosis.
Make it or break it.
Apparently some of you haven't played this game.
You've never heard of it.
That's okay.
Cause I have Gen Z kids.
My kids are,
how old are they?
25, 28 and 31.
So I have, I've played this game
and I've heard them playing this game.
So there's always going to be a decision
to either make it or break it.
And you need to make sure that if you are breaking it,
it's for a darn good reason.
For instance, when I met my next door neighbor,
who's now my husband of 20 years,
he's two inches shorter than me in my bare feet, ladies.
In my bare feet,
bro stands two inches below me.
And for some of you, that would be a break it.
And what I want to say to that is, that's ridiculous.
Now, if you're five feet tall and he's 4'10", maybe.
Maybe, but maybe not.
Cause you're super short too, okay?
You're really small as well.
So I just want to let you guys know
that a lot of the things that you would break it over
are probably not going to make it
onto your non-negotiable list as we move forward.
And this is why the slot machine mentality is not good
paired with the preferences over non-negotiable mentality.
Do you see how those two things wouldn't go well together?
Cause why?
Because when you're in the slot machine,
also known as the dating app,
you are looking for what you think you want.
Based on what?
Some bad pictures and a badly written profile?
Based on what?
Guys, I do this as my vocation, as my business tree,
my business ministry.
You know how many dating profiles I've seen?
Do you know how many dating profiles
that really were a good example of who that person was
and even what they looked like?
First of all, gentlemen, why is this your photo?
Why is this your photo?
Stop taking photos like that.
I'm tired of seeing men's necks and they're like this.
Like you're down on the seat, like no, no.
Out and up a little bit, out and up a little bit, okay?
But I've yet to really see quality dating profiles,
which of course we're gonna help you with
when you're in your love story accelerator
and last year single, we're gonna help you with that.
We're gonna help you to represent yourself well.
We do a dating resume, that's an exercise that you do,
finding out like why should someone date you?
What makes you wonderful?
What would make you a good partner?
And really taking that and honing it down
and making it into a dating profile.
But I'm just gonna tell you guys,
this is why the slot machine thing is not good.
You're just going on images.
You're just going on bad information
about who this person is
and it's probably not accurate for real life
and so it's really, really hard.
So the psychology of gambling with your love life
is not good.
And you guys, this whole digital romance era
that we're living in,
it has given way to ghosting, comparison trap,
digital intimacy, what's that?
That's texting back and forth with someone
and thinking that you know them and you don't
and getting into this cyber romance with someone
and building up this fantasy of who they are
and then eventually meeting them in person
and realizing, number one,
that's not who I thought they were.
Number two, everything that I've created in my mind
is not real.
Number three, in the in-person chemistry is non-existent.
Did anyone else, did that happen to anybody else?
Can I see you in the chat?
If you have built up an idea of who someone is in your mind
and when you met them in real life,
that wasn't who they were.
They weren't like that at all.
Yeah, it's hard.
It's rough stuff.
Okay.
All right.
So what are we going to do, friends?
And I said all that to get to this point.
I'm going to ask you to pause your dating apps.
It's the honor system.
I'm not going to come to your house and see if your dating apps are paused, but I'm going
to ask you to pause them because I want to shift your mindset about them.
When you do get back on them, because if you do get back on them, we want you to get
back on them as the house and not the player.
We want you to get back on them poised and positioned to win, to win, to go through the
profiles, to be able to see what you need to see, be able to discard what you want to
discard based on what you have learned in this book club.
Because by the time you're at the end of this book club, you're going to have tools that
you do not have now.
And you're going to be able to see very quickly, either from their profile or from the first
couple chats, even basic chats, whether or not this person is compatible, marriage minded,
marriage ready.
Not that they're going to marry you, but you don't want to waste your time with anyone
who doesn't have the things we're going to talk about in later weeks.
And for all of you, it's going to be different because not all of you need the same things
in relationship.
Cool.
Okay.
So let's start talking about our advisory committees.
The village that we lost.
Was this mind blowing for you guys?
Did you guys really start to see what has happened to society in just the last 100 years?
You guys just the last 100 years, just forget all the time before it's crazy, right?
Hopefully it's taken some pressure off you to understand that you live in a society,
in a culture that God matched you with that is very disconnected from itself.
It's not even your fault.
You're born into this.
You inherited this, not just from your family, from society.
And it's good for you to know that, but it's also important for you to understand that
you are the help.
You're the solution to this problem.
By the time we get to the end of this book club, you are going to be ready to be your
own matchmaker and to be the matchmaker for others.
Because that's the only way this works is if we bring back this village and on my new
matchmaking platform that you guys are going to love.
It's different than anything you've ever seen.
It takes the best of the best about dating apps and the best of the best about my last
year single community and matchmaking, and it marries them together to where the only
people that you're going to have any kind of interaction with are true people that are
someone's partner because they've done the work.
They're ready.
They're marriage minded.
They have their ducks in a row.
They know what's up.
And you're either going to introduce them to someone else, you know, because they're
an amazing person or you're going to lock them down for yourself.
It's going to be incredible.
And I'm so excited about it, obviously.
All right.
So we're bringing back the village.
We are bringing back the village and y'all are villagers.
Marisol, you're hilarious.
Bringing back the village.
Okay.
So you guys read about Marcus and Dana, right?
And you guys, so many, there's so many couples, so many couples that have been connected through
me.
I've match made them, introduced them or couples that have connected through the last year
single ecosystem.
But they were already people that were connected.
They just didn't know it.
They needed someone to connect the dots.
They needed someone to finish the circle.
They were already connected.
You guys, we had one couple that there's literally photo evidence of them dancing on the same
dance floor at a wedding of a mutual that both of them had.
They did not, it was a big wedding.
They did not meet at that wedding.
There's a photograph of the bride and groom dancing on the dance floor and in the picture,
they are both getting jiggy with it on different sides of the dance floor with a different
group of people at the wedding, but they're both in the photo.
Guess what?
They also both worked at the same company.
And when they went back to work, I think it was like four or five months later.
The company had a company-wide seminar that was mandatory.
They both went to it and they met there.
That's where they met.
Even though they had been ships passing in the night, right?
Yes.
That's not Marks and Dana.
That's, this is a different couple that I'm talking about, but you guys photo evidence.
My current husband that was my next door neighbor,
I saw him two years before he moved in next door to me.
You know how many mutual friends we had?
At least a dozen.
And I don't mean like far off acquaintances,
close mutual friends.
Now our situation is a little bit different
because two years before he moved in as my neighbor,
we were both married to other people.
So it wouldn't have been good if we met then, would it?
It wouldn't have been good.
You're like, well then how did you see him
two years before, Jackie?
I'm glad you asked.
I was at a outdoor event at a church that I did not attend.
It was not my church, it was a mega church.
And I was at this church because my friend had invited me
to this outdoor festival that the church was having
to bring my little daughter to it
because it would be fun for the kids.
So I brought my little daughter to this festival
and up on the Jumbotron,
yes, they had a big Jumbotron outside,
they were showing funny videos of pranks
that they had played on their staff members.
And right as I was leaving,
the last prank that I saw came on the screen
and it was super funny and I was laughing
and it was really hilarious prank
that they had played on their youth pastor.
And I asked my friend who invited me,
I said, hey, I said, did that guy
that was in that prank video,
I said, did he ever live in Cleveland?
And she's like, I don't think so.
And she's like, why?
And I was like, I know him from somewhere.
I think we might've gone to school together.
He's just so familiar to me.
Well, yeah, because he was my future husband.
Can't make this stuff up, y'all.
I felt drawn to him and not because it was like, dang,
come on, baby, you looking good.
It was because there was something about him
that was so familiar,
I knew that I knew him from somewhere.
And where I knew him from is my love story.
He's written in my love story.
Now you're like, Jackie,
that sounds a lot like the fairy tale script.
No, the fairy tale script would sound like,
oh, I just, if I meet the person,
I'm just gonna know that they're my future spouse.
And there's gonna have to be
some magical moment of intensity.
No, when he moved in next door to me, I yelled at him.
I yelled at him the first day I ever met him.
And the reason why is because I thought he was a sex offender
from the sex offender email
that I got the week before he moved in
that told me that a sex offender
was moving into my neighborhood.
That doesn't sound like the fairy tale script, does it?
No, it does not.
And then I didn't find out he was the guy from the video
that I felt so drawn to
until two years after we were married.
We were moving.
And he's like, babe, come watch this funny video.
And he popped a VCR tape,
that's how old the story is, into the VCR.
And it was that video from the outside event
that I went to two years before I ever met him.
And now it was four years later.
And I was like, oh my God.
I was like, I saw that video.
I thought that I knew you.
It's crazy.
Crazy, crazy, y'all.
Crazy stuff.
So I say all that to say this,
the six degrees of separation is true
and the odds of your future spouse
somehow being connected to your life,
even right now as we speak, is very big.
Somebody knows somebody that knows somebody
that knows your spirit mate.
And I'm about to put that theory into action
on my new matchmaking platform
because I know that it's true.
I've had a front row seat
to almost 2,000 love stories, you guys.
I know that in every single one of these stories,
there were connected dots.
Do you believe it?
That's all that really matters.
Now, is every once in a while,
does someone get married to someone
like from some foreign country
and there's nothing in common at all
as far as they know and blah, blah, blah?
Yeah, I guess so.
But that's the exception to the rule.
That's the exception to the rule.
I'm gonna tell you, we are connected.
How do you explain these crazy stories
where two twins are separated at birth
and then they end up kind of doing life
in the same vicinity as each other?
You guys see these stories?
Do you see them?
They shop at the same grocery store or something
and all of a sudden someone's like,
oh, hey, you look like so-and-so.
They could be your twin.
Oh, well, they are your twin.
What?
Crazy, okay.
I hope you guys are getting excited.
I hope that makes you feel excited.
Yes, Marcus and Dana, we connected the dots for them.
We introduced them.
We match made them.
But when they rolled the tapes back,
they realized that they could have met years earlier.
And that's why it's so important, friends.
To not just be in the right place at the right time, but to be in the right place
at the right time with the right heart, with the right heart.
Very, very important.
All right. We're going to go into some breakout rooms.
All right. So that brings me to your advisory circle.
A lot of people have reported to me that
they have no idea who they would ask to be part of this relationship advisory circle.
Just to recap, here are the things that the four things that your advisors must
have, they must know you well.
Not the highlight reel of you, the real you.
That means that they see how you act in
relationships, not romantic relationships, in regular relationships.
They see your personas in relationships, OK?
They are. That's number one.
Number two, they have to be able to be honest with you.
This these are people that you've given
permission to be direct with you, to not sugarcoat things with you.
Not just to be kind, but to be real.
People that you are not afraid to say, oh, hey, you know, that guy that
you went out with, that that girl that you went out with.
I got I had some red flags about them and this is what it was.
You know, I don't think that they treated
you well or I talked to them later on and this is what they said.
And that didn't sit right with me.
They have to be people that can tell you
the truth and that you're going to listen to because you respect them.
And then three, they have networks.
This is very important.
They have to have networks that are different from yours.
They can have some mutual friends as you
like, maybe you work at the same place, but they have to go to different churches
necessarily, like, OK, say you have a church in common, that's where you know
them from, then they don't need to be working at the same company as you,
living in the same neighborhood as you.
If their five friends are the same five
friends that you have, this is not going to work out.
OK, they have to have different friends, different circles than you have.
And the number four, you are willing to be vulnerable with them.
OK, you're going to share honestly what's
in your heart about what you're looking for in a future spouse, what you need.
You're willing to share with them the work that we're doing here,
your non-negotiable list and your preference list.
You're not afraid of them telling you
that you shouldn't want to be married, that you should just stay single,
that you're too old or that it's not the right time or you should wait
till your children are grown up.
You don't want anyone who's not on board
with you having a love story in this season of your life.
That's not the right match for this advisory circle.
Makes sense?
All right.
Now, what I'm going to do now, because so many people tell me, oh,
I don't know anyone, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Now, I know you're just meeting each other for the first time.
But if you're willing to be vulnerable
with people, you can start to get to know people really well.
You might meet someone here or in our
bonus Facebook group that lives in your area.
You can start doing life together.
We have a lot of that happening in last year.
Single people really getting together, doing life together.
So I'm going to go ahead and put you in breakouts so that you can get to know each
other. So when you go to these breakouts, you're going to introduce yourselves,
OK, because you're going to meet different people than you did last week.
And you're going to share at least one
person that's going to be on your advisory committee.
OK, and if you don't have anyone share that with the group, say, hey,
I haven't thought of anyone yet.
I really don't know who's going to be on my advisory committee yet.
So you're going to share one person.
If you have a person, tell them who they are and why
they're going to be on your committee, all right, in your circle,
your advisory circle, OK, and then if you don't have anyone,
you know, also share that, but also share who you are, where you live,
how old you are, if you've never been married, if you've never dated,
you know, share a little bit about yourself.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to give all of you
four to five minutes to share and I'm going to put you in groups of three to four.
So you're going to be in these groups.
Actually, I'm going to give you two to three minutes.
You're going to be in these groups for about 12 minutes.
So do not talk over each other and make sure everybody has a chance to share.
Capiche? OK.
All right.
I'm looking for my.
Breakout rooms, there they are.
All right, let me make the rooms.
It's going to be fun.
OK.
Some people have two to three people,
I'm sorry, three people and some will have four.
And here we go.
There's going to be something that says, join your room, click the link,
click the button.
You
I
Think I left a minute or all right you guys welcome back
Welcome back I
Do want to encourage you we will have breakout rooms every single session and so
Being on your camera having your camera on is a really
Advisable thing you know you could meet your future spouse here
And you definitely could meet some friends in some community here, and so please make sure that if you can
To have that camera on that's gonna be important and when you come back in from breakouts remember that you're unmuted and so
Because of that you're going to need to mute please don't unmute and ask any questions if you have any questions
Let's go ahead and ask them in the chat
We'd want to make sure we're recording right now, and we don't want to have any
Any stuff going on that's not part of the recording okay?
All right
All right y'all
That was so fun. I'm so glad. I hope you guys met some fun good new people new friends
Yay, okay, you guys making friends as adults is not easy. It is not an easy situation all right
And so that's what we're here to help you do as well. Okay, all right, so I want to I want to
Check in on your homework from last week
I told you that it was gonna be the first thing that we covered
But it's gonna be the last thing that we covered. What did you learn about yourself when you did the dating autopsy?
Now some of you haven't had any dates. You haven't had any recent relationships
Maybe you've never had a relationship, and I told you that you could use a friendship
You could use maybe even a relationship with a sibling or a parent like kind of dissecting those relationships
Especially the hard points of those relationships and finding out some things about yourself and how you show up in relationship
Okay, so let's go ahead and take a share
Someone who found out something very interesting from the dating autopsy
Okay, you found out that Humpty Dumpty didn't jump. He was pushed
Maybe that's what you found out. Let's find out raise your hand if you have something
An aha moment from the dating autopsy exercise that you would like to share
Raise your hand
We would love to hear from you
Y'all did this homework right it was last week's homework not this week's homework
Okay, Heather Phoenix, Arizona, go ahead. I'm you
I'm on muted. Yes. I think it was just really revealing in
How the
Patterns show up even if you think it's a really different situation
Like if you really dig down and you when I started writing how you said don't just think it write it
Even though they seem like two completely had two different relationships
The more I looked at it and really dug into the autopsy the more I realized there's a lot of
I had a very scarcity mindset and I've worked a lot through that and it's still there. So
I love that. I love that. You're acknowledging that you're owning it friends
It doesn't matter if you've been in some wrecked up relationships where the other person was the bigger villain
They were the bigger villain. They were the bigger villain
Okay, meaning that they did things way more toxic
But we choose them for a reason right like she said, you know, there's scarcity mindset patterns
There's fairy tale mindset patterns, you know, the worst combination i've ever seen
Heather, thank you so much for sharing. You know, the worst combination i've ever seen of scripts
Is the fairy tale mindset and the passive faith mindset
These two are so toxic when they're combined
Is the fairy tale mindset and the passive faith mindset these two are so toxic when they come together, you know, I don't know why
Because you believe that you're gonna when you know, you know
And but you also believe that
The reason why you're gonna when you know, you know is because god has handpicked a spouse for you
And he's going to bring them to you
And you're going to know them from the first moment
Do you know how much trouble this is going to get you into if you're running these scripts
The chances of you getting married to some toxic person with that kind of mindset
are so high because you're going to have some kind of intense chemistry, which you think
is a sign, right? The fairy tale script that this is the person, but you also have always
been believing that when they show up, they're going to be sent directly from God. And so
now when you get into this relationship, maybe even marriage with this person, because you
ignored all the red flags, you ignored non-negotiables, you ignore preferences. You didn't even have
those things. You just jumped right in because of these scripts that you're running. And
then when you get, you know, six months in a year in and it's toxic and maybe even abusive,
it's like, wow, God must not like me very much. Why did he sign me up for this? I don't
understand. And it's a mess. Okay. And so the, all of the, all of the scripts have,
have, uh, cons, but those two running next to each other, that's going to get you in
a lot of trouble that you think God is the author of because you have a fairy tale mindset,
but you think God is the one writing the fairy tale. And that is the biggest problem. Okay.
All right. Steve's like, that was me. He was me to someone. I don't know if he was
saying that to what I'm saying or not. Okay. Um, Juanita Gonzalez, if you could please
unmute. Yeah, I was kind of like Heather is like when I started writing out the, I wrote
one story about one relationship and I found that I was, um, scarcity and romantic. And
so I wrote it all out. And then I started writing out the other relationship, both male,
both marriages. And it was the same, they were coming out the same. I was, I was coming
out the same scarcity and romantic. And, um, and that, that was, um, mind blower to me.
It was revelation. I love it. It's so good. And guess what? Now that you have that revelation,
you get to not just show up differently, but you get to recognize how you're showing
up, who you're attracting, what's happening. Friends, when you come and you're part of
last year, single, one of the things that we do is we talk about attachment styles.
We really dig into your attachment style so that you can own your side of the street with
how these relationships are working out or not working out. And then we also help you
to understand why you're attracting what you're attracting. Cause there is a scripture in
the Bible for all of you, faith based folks, that is the real law of attraction, the law
of attraction out there, transcendentalism, the secret, that's not the real law of attraction.
The real law of attraction is in the book of Proverbs. And it says what you believe
in your heart, you become and what you become, you attract. And so we break that down to
what is that looking like for me? You mean I'm attracting all these people that are no
good for me or not the right fit for me or people that seem great at first. I had this
one student who was attracting married men in the way that every single guy that she
got involved with was still going through a divorce or she would date him for a little
while and find out he was still married. It just kept happening over and over and over
and over again. And of course that started making her feel bad about herself. Right?
Like what in the world? I'm not trying to break up any marriages. I'm not a homewrecker
because of course the guys that were going through divorce, guess who didn't know that
they were going through a divorce? Their wife. Their wife was the one that didn't know. She
hadn't been informed that her husband was in the dating pool again because he was going
through a divorce. And so she was able to come out of agreement with those identities
and those mindsets that were causing that unconsciously and almost supernaturally to
come to her. And I have really good news. She's actually getting married in a couple
weeks to a man that wasn't married when she met him, but he's about to be married to her.
And I'm really excited for her and that's exciting. Okay. Nora McIntosh.
Oh, hello.
Hello, Nora.
Hello. Oh my goodness.
You guys, just so you know, Juanita is a part of last year's single. So is Nora. Nora is
one of our students there as well. One of my favorite students, actually.
You're my favorite.
Okay. So I haven't been in many like official relationships, but I wrote about a kind of
confusing emotional situation ship that has been going on for a while with this coworker.
And an aha moment that I had was when you said like, because there was like immediate chemistry
and you asked like, is that a, was that an indicator of compatibility? And the answer
is a resounding no. And it was really sobering.
And I – so I did that in combination with the questions you were asking on Supernatural
Saturday I think a week ago when you were like, where do you want to be one year from
today?
What's – like one year from today, I will be this, like walking in my purpose and my
marriage will be the cherry on top.
And the first step of that – and I was like, you know what, the first step is I'm going
to block Mike.
Like even – and so I blocked him.
So I blocked him.
I blocked him last night and it was really hard.
Like it's been going on for like a couple of years now, like this on and off like thing.
And so, you know, it was just really eye-opening and I just wanted to like share that with
you.
So I think I might even buy myself a cake like – and like write like, congratulations
for blocking him.
Like it was like that big of a deal for me.
That is so powerful and I had one of those too, you guys.
Back in the day I had one of those where the chemistry was definitely there.
It was very strong.
The compatibility was very low, any kind of long-term compatibility.
And the thing is, is every time I tried to quit this guy, he would just pop up.
You know, like I remember – this, you guys, this is a true story.
I lost track of him for about a year and then my friend moved into a new apartment and I
went to visit her at her new apartment and guess who lived next door to her?
Him!
How is this even a real thing?
How is this real life?
Right?
Soul ties are strong, y'all, and they will take you weird places.
And so I love that for you, Nora, and guess what?
You just made room for so many other things and it's great.
Yay!
Yeah.
And you know what she also knows?
She knows that she can feel really intensely attracted to someone and that's good.
And so now we just needed to be someone who she also has long-term compatibility with.
Someone not crazy.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's really important.
So if we want to feel attracted and feel intense chemistry with crazy people, then we got to
dig into that because it's like, why do I like nervous system dysregulation?
Why do I love hot and cold?
Why do I love back and forth?
What's so exciting about someone who is, you know, not healthy?
And don't tell me that you haven't had it because the majority of you have been excited
by and attracted to things that are very unhealthy.
And so we got to ask ourselves that question.
Okay.
We're going to do a speed round.
So tell me really quickly what you've learned.
I'm going to go from here in this way.
Dana, tell me what you learned from your dating autopsy.
I autopsied friendships, disastrous ones.
And I learned I'm a chill girl.
I will mold myself and turn myself inside out to be liked to the point where I was giving
away things that were precious to me to hold onto these friendships.
And they still deserved.
Of course they did.
Yeah.
They're the takers.
And now did you, were you able to get to the root of the, where that comes from?
Did you go further to find out when you're doing that?
It comes from mom and dad comes from family.
Okay.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Dana.
Great.
What a great revelation.
How many of you over function in friendships?
Can I see your hands in the chat?
How many of you over function in friendships?
You're the giver.
They're the taker.
You continue to give, give, give.
She said she's even giving away things that are precious to her to try to win the love
of that person, win the loyalty of that person.
And they still abandon her.
You know, they still do, right?
Yeah.
You guys, that comes from origin family stuff for sure.
By the way, we do extensive work on that phase one last year, single heartwork.
We get down to the nitty gritty.
And so if you kind of know where that stuff comes from, but you really don't know how
to fix it, you're going to want to roll over into last year, single from this book club
so that we can really help you.
And that's only five weeks of your life, you guys, and you will be forever changed, forever
changed.
Let me see some hearts from people who have done hard work cause you're in last year single
and you're like life changing, life changing.
Let's see some hearts.
Let's see some hearts changed my life, changed the way that I show up in the world, changed
about what I believe I deserve and what is available to me.
So many things.
We're going to keep going quickly.
Allison, what'd you learn from your dating autopsy?
What I learned is I haven't dated a lot, but I realized it's because I felt shame about
not dating.
And so I haven't dated because I felt I'm not chosen.
And so I'm in last year single and it, it finally dawned on me because I've always been
told you don't have a radar.
I mean, my friends will say that guy's looking at you.
And I'm like, they all, you know, and I've been told that for decades cause I'm 65.
I'm like, how do you, how do you know they're looking?
And I've been told constantly, you don't have any radar.
My only friends have been gay because of the professions I've chosen.
safe. But it's because of shame, and it puts you in a vicious cycle. When you feel not chosen,
then you act like you're not chosen, and then you're not chosen. And so through last year's
single, and this in particular really hit me, I've been telling everybody at church, and they're like,
you want to marry that you have it all? And I'm like, why would you think I wouldn't want to
marry? And so I even told a man at a party this weekend, he's married, but I just said,
yeah, do you think there's possibility for me? And he's like, you want to marry? And I'm like,
okay, I've given off this for decades, and I didn't know it.
I love that, Alison, that's so good. And now I love it too, that there's no shame in your game
to admit that you want to be married. And that's actually telling people that, because that is
going to be the game changer for you. So excited for Alison. It's going to be, it's going to be,
look, God can give to us anything, right? It's about what he, it's not about what he can do,
it's about what we believe he can do. But a lot of times we don't even, we're not even willing to ask,
we're not even willing to admit that we want those things. And so if you're like Alison,
and you have not even admitted that you wanted something, whether it's this or something else,
then it's time, it's time for you to do that. And not just to God. Yes, that's super safe.
Admit it to other humans. And yeah, some of them are not going to react well, or some are going to
try to talk you out of it, or someone, some of them are going to try to, you know, tell you that
that's not possible, but that's okay. It's important that you go ahead and say that out
loud to another human being. Okay. All right. Amy, you're up. Yeah, mine is, I realized that when I
was younger, my 20s, I definitely did the fairy tale. As I've gotten older, and a ton of people
have said, you're still single, and it's your fault, because your standards are too high. I
definitely became the chill girl in my 30s. And I think that kind of hosed me more, like I lowered
a lot of my standards as I got older, like saw the red flags, but was willing to give them multiple
chances. I've had a couple different situationships, where I found out that the last two guys,
well, they were both co-workers, so I worked with them, so blocking them was hard, because
professionally, I still needed to keep their number, but they both ended up in relationships
with married women, so behind my back, so I didn't know it. They still kept seeing me while they were
hooking up with other co-workers who were married, some of them who divorced, and
they end up now in a relationship with their used to be married co-workers. And so I think a lot of
that is I lost trust in myself then to pick people, because I let a lot of red flags go,
believing the lies of your standards are too high, you're single, because you're choosing
to be single, because you won't give people chances if they don't fit in your boxes. And
so I kind of loosened my standards, and kept them around when I probably shouldn't have.
So you guys hear her pendulum swung all the way to the other side, because of input from others,
like you're too picky, you're too picky, you're too picky, you're being avoidant, and then she
swung over here to chill girl script, giving everyone a chance, every Tom, Dick, Harry,
giving them more than one chance, ignoring red flags, being the chill girl, like, oh, it'll be
all right, you know, I've been wanting too much, and now she's wanting too little. And so there's
a happy medium there, right, where she's not rigid, she's not picky, she knows her non-negotiables,
and she knows her deal breakers, and she also has some preferences. And so I think this is a
beautiful tipping point for you, my friend, and I'm excited to see where we go next. All right,
Danielle, you're up. Hey, Jackie, and everybody, I just want to say I'm the Danielle you mentioned
in the beginning, and I received everything that you said, it really spoke to my heart. So
awesome. Thank you for that. And welcome. Yeah, that was awesome. Okay, I've related as the
independent. And when I first was reading your book, I'm doing this, I'm like, well, I already
know I'm independent, because I've built this beautiful life being single. And I think at one
point, it was really, this is what I realized at one point, that was like, really healthy for me,
because I leaned codependent love addiction was in a recovery program for that for a few years.
And so being independent actually was very healthy. But then it's pendulum talk about
pendulum shifting. I pendulum shifted into like, well, now nobody's good enough. My life's so
freaking amazing. Like there's no room for these dudes who are like, by the way, the men I've
attracted and I've been in relationship with like a broken engagement and a couple of relationships,
not recovered addicts, trauma, chaos. Yeah, my nervous system did not feel safe most of the time
in relationship. That's why I've also enjoyed being independent. And I realized this, man,
I enjoy being single because I feel a lot of peace.
And I feel good about that, but it's kept me stuck.
And so I'm really ready to get unstuck
and kind of out of this pattern where it's been healthy,
but it's kind of over-served its purpose.
And I can actually lower, maybe not my standard,
but my expectation and make some room
for someone who's also awesome in a match, an actual match.
Because I think I was subconsciously
attracting someone beneath me,
so I could still kind of say a little independent.
So that was really powerful awareness.
Yeah, that's great.
I love that.
And you guys, sometimes we'll over-correct,
which is what Danielle is talking about.
We'll over-correct.
She had some things that really needed to be focused on.
She had some things she really needed to work on,
and that was really important season for her.
But a lot of times we'll stay in that season
or the afterglow of that season, right?
And her season is shifting.
It's not an accident that the word that I had for her
had to do with a season shift.
I said she was a spring bride,
and I'm not necessarily talking about the spring,
like whatever spring is where you live.
I'm not necessarily talking about that.
What that's indicative of is a new season.
Spring is a new season, right?
It's when winter is over with.
And so that makes even more sense
now that we hear her story, that God is saying,
hey, you know, that's all over now.
It's a new season.
You're a new person.
It's a new season, and it's time for you to step into this.
And so for those of you that resonate with that,
where you had some really toxic
things that you had to deal with
that were getting you in a lot of trouble in relationship,
that were breaking your heart and all the things,
and then you started doing what you needed to do,
it's okay to understand that those seasons
of doing hard work, fixing ourself,
whatever it is that we're doing,
that those seasons come to a place
where we really can't do anything more
without the help of another person.
Meaning that, yeah, there's gonna be some more stuff to do,
but it's not even gonna surface,
and we're not even gonna know what that stuff is
until we start to allow someone in
and begin to go through the process
of being in love with someone
and making room for someone in our lives.
And so that's gonna be super important
for so many of you as well
that have been single for a long time,
and you really want someone who is amazing
because your life is amazing,
and why would you partner with someone who's not amazing?
Here's my caution,
and we'll do this work with the non-negotiables
in the preferences.
They're gonna be amazing,
but they might not be amazing like you're amazing,
like in the exact same way that you're amazing.
So what you want is a complimentary opposite.
You don't want a twin.
You're not looking for a twin, okay?
And so let's make sure
that we're not judging people's amazingness
by our work and our amazingness.
Let's make sure that we keep our mind and hearts open
to the fact that people are amazing in their own ways,
and we want someone who's a complimentary opposite,
not looking for someone who's exactly like us,
done the exact same work, blah, blah, blah.
All right, we're gonna have to go really quick, you guys.
I'm gonna ask you a few questions,
and then hopefully you're just gonna share what you learned.
We can't have a real big backstory
because we're out of time.
Kim K., what do you got?
Yes.
Well, you know me very well, Jackie.
Yes, another last year single member right here, Kim K.
All right, go ahead.
So wait, I gotta say this, the other Kim K., right?
The real Kim K.
That's right, girl.
I'm older than her.
That's right, the original, the OG Kim K.
I'm an OG.
Okay, go ahead.
And I find myself now going, swinging the other way
to either chill girl or maybe even independent.
I don't wanna tell guys right away about me.
I'm kinda guarded, and I've had guys say that,
and so I need to work on that.
Well, you know, when we tell the wrong people
about ourselves too often, and it bites us in the butt,
then we kind of get a little gun shy, right?
Yes.
But you have learned how to spot that a mile away now,
and so that's gonna be very helpful.
It's not hard to be vulnerable with someone
when they're a safe person.
And so being able to recognize safety,
and we're gonna go through that
when we talk about character.
And no, no guys are sharing.
So gentlemen, we're only focusing on men right now
because you're not sharing.
Otherwise, we'd focus on women.
So if a man wants to share, we'll focus on women.
But the bottom line is is that
when you know how to spot character,
and you're not gonna lie to yourself
or water anything down or make yellow flags
turn into green flags just because you want them to,
then you get into a safer place
where you can be yourself and open up more.
So that's great, Kim.
Susanna, what do you got?
Hi, hello. Yeah, I just wanted to share something, but I don't know if I just email you or like
through the app better because it's not related to what you guys talking about right now.
It's like something more personal and that's the main reason why I signed up to this program.
Okay. Yeah. If you just, if you just posted in the questions on the app, it just says
ask a coach or ask Jackie. Let me see what it says exactly. So I can tell you, I think
I already posted in the app. I, I put my question there. I answered every single question before
this, uh, before this session. So maybe, maybe, maybe look again. I'll look for it, but, um,
yeah, questions you guys. So you have all comments, you have wins. So if you have a
win or a testimony, make sure you click that button and then post under that. And then
questions. If you click that button and you post under that, then that goes directly into
the coaching questions. All right. Yeah, I did there. I just posted Susana there. So
yeah. Cause you just posted it an hour ago. So I see it. Yeah. All right. Uh, you've been
in a relationship for five years and still don't have a ring or a date for marriage.
What do you recommend? Well, you guys, I talk about this a lot on my Instagram. So
if you guys go to my Instagram, you're going to see a lot of stuff on this. Um, Susanna
just posted that, um, while we've been in session, but I want to tell her and all of
you, um, go ahead and just, uh, put your hand up if you're in some kind of situation. And
you got into this course because you were hoping that it was going to help you decide
on what to do next or what you should do next. Cause that's why Susanna is here. So friends,
when you're in a relationship with someone and you're an adult, meaning that you're not
in high school, you're not in college, you know, sometimes those relationships run a
little longer before they get married because we're young, we're in college, we're in high
school. You know, there's a reason why if you're an adult person, you know, even if
it's a long distance relationship, you're an adult person that's been in a relationship
for longer than a year that is not moving towards marriage. Then some really hard conversations
have to happen about whether or not this person is marriage minded and marriage ready.
And um, and that goes for a woman or a man y'all. So, um, this man has not asked her
to marry him. Um, do you, do you live apart still or do you live together apart? Okay.
Um, okay. So I mean, how, how personal do you want to get in here? I could ask you a
lot of personal questions right now, but I don't want to embarrass you. Okay. Is it,
is it a sexual relationship? No. Okay. And is it local or long distance? Local. Okay.
So you guys, she is in a relationship for five years and so you're exclusive. You're
not seeing other people. Okay. She's in a relationship, an exclusive relationship. How
long has it been exclusive? Five years. Five years. Okay. So how long have you known him
longer than five? Five years. Yeah. So you were exclusive from day one. When did he
ask you to be exclusive after you met him? I started talking with him and I was not talking
with, well, yeah, I was talking with someone else, but then I started talking more with
him and then after six months he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Six months
in. So six months in you guys. All right. And you're positive that he doesn't have another
family, a wife, anything else going on? He's not married. Not that I'm aware of. How often
do you see him? Almost every day. Almost every day. We live very close by like 20 minutes
apart. Okay. All right. So you have to, you know, you'll get there in my book. If you
already have the book, if you have the book, just go ahead and skip to this part. Okay.
It's going to be important for you. You need to look at the part of the book. I think it's
chapter nine that talks about the framework of defining the relationship about where it's
going and you need to have some serious conversations with this guy. Has he ever said that he wants
to marry you? Yeah, he says, yeah, he does. Because I have asked him like, you know, cause
I will, this is a thing I told him, like, I'm just giving myself into this relationship
this last month. And in this month, I don't hear anything from you. Then this is it. You
know, I'm praying. I'm fasting. Let me tell you why. Let me tell you why that's not a
good idea. You guys, she's been with this guy for five years. He's never made any step
forward. It's not a sexual relationship. Sometimes when men are getting the milk, they don't,
they don't want to buy the cow. All right. They're getting the milk for free, so to speak.
Right. And so that happens a lot when people move in together, believe it or not, it is
It's a bad, it's bad for the future relationship.
You know, for all of you, they're like, I don't want to have sex before marriage.
That's wonderful.
A lot of people do end up moving in with people.
They end up getting married eventually sometimes, and then they end up divorced.
It's a higher divorce rate for people that cohabitate before marriage.
She's got a situation.
He's local.
They've been exclusive for four and a half years at least.
And he has not made any move towards, you know, uh, proposing to her or marrying her.
If she gives him an ultimatum, if she says you got a month, I'm out.
This relationship is over if I don't have a ring or you don't have a plan to move forward.
You have to ask yourself, Susanna, this is so important.
Why would you want to move forward with him?
Because if we have to give an ultimatum and really threaten a man to marry us, do we really
want to marry him?
No.
Okay.
So, what's a better question for you, Susanna, is to find out why things haven't moved forward.
Okay?
Does he have some sort of secret life?
Does he have an addiction?
Is he just not a marriage-minded man?
Does he not have the money to buy a ring?
It's important for you to know the why, because if he's just not a marriage-minded person,
he just doesn't believe in marriage.
He's happy.
I don't know any man, you're a beautiful woman, who wants to date a woman for five years without
getting it on.
Okay?
I don't...
So, right there is a red flag for me.
If he's able, as an adult human, how old is this guy?
I'm 44 and he's 52.
All right.
He's 52 years old.
Has he been married before?
Yes, divorce.
Yeah.
How long has he been divorced for?
Ten years.
Okay.
Does he have adult children?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, you guys, that's probably the reason why he doesn't want to get married, is because
he's been married, divorced.
He's gone through divorce.
He probably lost some of his assets.
He had to pay child support, all the things.
Men get really gun-shy after that, but the thing that doesn't add up is this is not a
sexual relationship.
Okay?
Men still have sex drives in their 50s, and the fact that he's willing to date her for
this long without being able to consummate that relationship either tells me he's getting
it somewhere else, even if it's pornography, and or there's some disconnect in that area
of his life, because men are not going to just date you indefinitely because of that
very thing.
Okay?
So, you have, he has some explaining to do.
If that's important for your closure, I would definitely ask him those questions and, you
know, and get those answers.
But I really do not believe that you want to marry someone that you have to threaten
into marrying you.
Like, so, so should I just like end the relationship, tell him it's been too long, you know, I just
don't see this moving forward, I decide to just quit?
Yeah, I think that you need to have a heart-to-heart with him, and then, you know, I can, I can
coach you after that, but you definitely need to have a heart-to-heart.
Have you been the chill girl for most of this time?
Have you been just kind of going with the flow?
Yeah.
Guys, when the chill girl wakes up and realizes she's not really that chill, and she wants
a lot more than she's being offered, it usually gets a little, it gets a little dicey.
So Susanna's about to do that, we're all going to be there for it, we're going to be supporting
her, and so go have those hard conversations with him, do not chicken out, okay?
Read that part of the book, have those hard conversations, and then come and report back
in the app, and I'll give you some more coaching from there.
Okay?
Okay.
So, just read that, and then, like, is there a question that you can tell me, like, or
something to tell him, like?
I'll respond to your question in the app.
I'll write some stuff out that I think that you need to cover.
Okay.
All right.
Then you do that, and you report back.
Thank you.
Okay?
All right.
Bye, Susanna.
We're all, we're all rooting for you, we're praying for you.
Okay, friends, we've got to end, we're three minutes over.
I appreciate your patience in waiting.
This was a really good session.
Make sure that you're doing the homework from session one and two.
Later on tonight, you guys will be able to have access to the session three homework,
the reading, all the things, and we will see you there.
Don't forget, post your questions in the app, because I will answer them.
Bye, everyone.