WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:19.680 All right, you guys, welcome, welcome. 2 00:00:19.680 --> 00:00:23.120 I see some people were wanting to chat on here. 3 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:24.120 Sorry about that. 4 00:00:24.120 --> 00:00:27.080 We had to mute you so we could start the recording. 5 00:00:27.080 --> 00:00:31.400 We will have plenty of time to chat here in a little while because we're going to put 6 00:00:31.400 --> 00:00:33.920 you in breakout rooms and that's going to be great. 7 00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:36.760 All right, give me one second. 8 00:00:36.760 --> 00:00:37.760 There I am. 9 00:00:37.760 --> 00:00:41.980 Hello everyone and welcome to Modern Dating Sucks book club. 10 00:00:41.980 --> 00:00:46.920 This is our third session and if you have missed session one or two, that's okay. 11 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:51.300 You're here tonight and you're going to be able to benefit from our breakout sessions. 12 00:00:51.300 --> 00:00:54.960 When you watch and replay, the only thing that you're not getting is you're not getting the 13 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:56.960 breakout sessions. 14 00:00:56.960 --> 00:01:01.800 So I just want to let you guys know if you can be here in person, then it's great. 15 00:01:01.800 --> 00:01:06.640 If you can't, then make sure that you're showing up either in that Facebook community or on 16 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:12.440 the app in the community and you're sharing, you're asking questions and you're getting 17 00:01:12.440 --> 00:01:17.760 a chance to really benefit from the community environment. 18 00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:22.800 People meet some of their best friends in my groups and in my programs. 19 00:01:22.800 --> 00:01:27.500 So it's really important that if you can show up, please show up, right? 20 00:01:27.500 --> 00:01:28.500 Really important stuff. 21 00:01:28.500 --> 00:01:29.500 Okay. 22 00:01:29.500 --> 00:01:30.500 I'm going to answer a couple of questions. 23 00:01:30.500 --> 00:01:35.400 If you posted a question in the app or in the Facebook group within the last 15 hours, 24 00:01:35.400 --> 00:01:36.400 I've been traveling. 25 00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:41.640 I actually didn't get in until 2 a.m. tomorrow, 2 a.m. in the morning. 26 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:46.800 So I've been traveling from the West Coast and the whole day yesterday was travel. 27 00:01:46.800 --> 00:01:52.920 So there were some questions if you put them in within the last 15 hours or so, I didn't 28 00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:54.200 get a chance to answer them. 29 00:01:54.200 --> 00:02:00.680 So I'm going to answer them here now, if that's okay with you guys. 30 00:02:00.680 --> 00:02:11.200 Rebecca writes that when she goes on dates, she gets some repeat questions. 31 00:02:11.200 --> 00:02:15.400 And those repeat questions are probably some questions that you guys run into as well. 32 00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:18.720 And the first question is, when was your last serious relationship? 33 00:02:18.720 --> 00:02:23.320 Let me see in the chat if that's something that people ask you, or maybe people ask you, 34 00:02:23.320 --> 00:02:25.920 why haven't you had a serious relationship? 35 00:02:25.920 --> 00:02:28.720 Or they may ask you, why are you not married yet? 36 00:02:28.720 --> 00:02:30.720 Anybody else get that? 37 00:02:30.720 --> 00:02:32.720 Come on. 38 00:02:32.720 --> 00:02:33.720 Let's see in the chat. 39 00:02:33.720 --> 00:02:39.240 We're going to have some group interaction tonight. 40 00:02:39.240 --> 00:02:41.600 Why are you single? 41 00:02:41.600 --> 00:02:49.720 This is your date asking you this, not your auntie at Thanksgiving dinner. 42 00:02:49.720 --> 00:02:50.720 Why are you single? 43 00:02:50.720 --> 00:02:52.640 Well, you could turn it right around on them. 44 00:02:52.640 --> 00:02:54.960 Why are you single? 45 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:56.640 I mean, they're obviously single too, right? 46 00:02:56.640 --> 00:02:57.760 Because they're on a date with you. 47 00:02:57.760 --> 00:02:58.760 So it's just like, what do you mean? 48 00:02:58.760 --> 00:02:59.760 Why am I single? 49 00:02:59.760 --> 00:03:00.760 Why are you single? 50 00:03:00.760 --> 00:03:01.760 Why is anyone single? 51 00:03:01.760 --> 00:03:04.060 There's all kinds of different reasons why we're single. 52 00:03:04.060 --> 00:03:09.920 So the first question that she gets asked a lot is, why are you single? 53 00:03:09.920 --> 00:03:11.880 Or not why, I'm sorry. 54 00:03:11.880 --> 00:03:13.920 When was your last serious relationship? 55 00:03:13.920 --> 00:03:18.360 So I'm going to answer that in a second. 56 00:03:18.360 --> 00:03:23.240 And then the second question is, she wants to know about physical boundaries and dating. 57 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:24.440 So about sex stuff. 58 00:03:24.440 --> 00:03:26.080 So we'll talk about that in a second. 59 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:27.080 All right. 60 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:31.400 So let me answer the question of, when was your last serious relationship? 61 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:35.760 First of all, what I want you guys to get out of the habit of doing is explaining yourself, 62 00:03:35.760 --> 00:03:39.440 overexplaining yourself or apologizing for your singleness. 63 00:03:39.440 --> 00:03:42.560 Do you hear me? 64 00:03:42.560 --> 00:03:45.280 There's a lot of reasons why people are single nowadays. 65 00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:47.080 Lots and lots and lots of reasons. 66 00:03:47.080 --> 00:03:50.980 And here's the thing, on a first date or second date with someone, you might not really be 67 00:03:50.980 --> 00:03:57.960 ready to get into all of the reasons why you particularly are single. 68 00:03:57.960 --> 00:04:05.880 Because there might be a lot of reasons that bleed into other stories in your life, like 69 00:04:05.880 --> 00:04:11.080 being married, being divorced, going through some kind of abusive breakup situation that 70 00:04:11.080 --> 00:04:13.360 you're just not ready to get into with a stranger. 71 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:14.360 Right? 72 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:16.800 Is that right for a lot of you? 73 00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:20.839 So when someone asks you, why are you single? 74 00:04:20.839 --> 00:04:25.040 I want you to answer like this. 75 00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:35.760 Honestly, I have not met someone that I thought would be a good long-term fit. 76 00:04:35.760 --> 00:04:43.640 And I'd rather be single than force a relationship just to say that I have one. 77 00:04:43.640 --> 00:04:47.720 That's it. 78 00:04:47.720 --> 00:04:49.660 That's it. 79 00:04:49.660 --> 00:04:53.480 If a man is healthy and he hears that, that's going to be the end of the discussion. 80 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:58.440 If a man is nosy, if a man wants to know all the tea on the first, second date, gentlemen, 81 00:04:58.440 --> 00:05:00.040 if a lady wants to know all the tea. 82 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:15.000 If she wants to know your body count, if she wants to know how many women you've been in serious relationship with so that she can figure out whether or not she is going to get dumped three months in, then these people haven't done their work, have they? 83 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:21.000 There's only one or two reasons that someone would ask you that question. 84 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:31.000 They either don't trust you and they want to find out why you broke up with the last person that you were with, right? 85 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:42.000 Or in the ladies category, they might be asking you that because they want to know that you've been in a serious relationship in your life because they don't want to waste their time on a man who's not interested in serious relationships. 86 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:57.000 The bottom line is that they're fishing and you need to make sure that they don't catch anything with their hook because if they're not willing to invest time in getting to know you, then it's already a no, isn't it? 87 00:05:57.000 --> 00:06:03.000 If someone's not willing to invest time in getting to know you, then it's already a no. 88 00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:09.000 Someone's asking me to repeat it, some version of this. 89 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:15.000 I haven't met the person that I believe would be a really good long-term fit for me. 90 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:18.000 I haven't met the person that I want to marry yet. 91 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:19.000 That's why, right? 92 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:22.000 You don't want to be in a relationship just to be in one. 93 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:24.000 You are a marriage-minded person. 94 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:30.000 And you might say, well, Jackie, do I really want to let someone know that I'm a marriage-minded person on a first, second, or third date? 95 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:31.000 Why not? 96 00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:44.000 If they're afraid of that, if they're afraid, ladies, if it's a guy that's afraid of you trying to get too serious too fast or to lock him down or, you know, whatever, then he's not a marriage-minded man. 97 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:57.000 A marriage-minded man should be totally fine with a woman casually saying that she hasn't been in a serious relationship lately because she hasn't found anyone to get serious with. 98 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:59.000 That should be completely fine. 99 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.000 Same thing with you, gentlemen. 100 00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:09.000 If you're saying right away, you know, I haven't found a woman that I want to marry yet, a woman should be completely fine adhering that. 101 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:10.000 Okay? 102 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:11.000 All right. 103 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:21.000 And also, friends, I just want to let you know, for those of you that are Christian, and I know that we have some people that are not necessarily believers or faith-based people, people of faith that are in this book club. 104 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:27.000 But I want to say, for Christians, we believe that sex belongs inside of a marriage covenant. 105 00:07:27.000 --> 00:07:46.000 And so for those of you that are dating as Christians and you're dating other Christians, you're going to want to let people know, if they start to be affectionate with you physically, that you are waiting until marriage to have sex. 106 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.000 People ask me this all the time. 107 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:55.000 Hey, Jackie, when should I tell someone that I'm just getting to know that I'm waiting until marriage to have sex? 108 00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:01.000 As soon as the relationship turns affectionate, that's when you should tell them that. 109 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:04.000 Because otherwise you're just coming out of left field, isn't it? 110 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:06.000 You're trying to get to know this person. 111 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:09.000 And then all of a sudden you're like, I'm not having sex until marriage. 112 00:08:09.000 --> 00:08:11.000 Wait, what? 113 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:15.000 We're just having a cup of coffee. 114 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:36.000 And ladies, I will tell you, a lot of times when you blurt this out in a timeframe where it doesn't make sense, the man then thinks that you're either prude, frigid, rigid, or you are insinuating that that's what he's here for. 115 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:39.000 And that's really off-putting. 116 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:45.000 So I know that it's on your mind when you're on a date because you're like, well, what if, what if, what if? 117 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.000 Well, what if? 118 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:55.000 If the guy tries to hold your hand or put his arm around you or goes in for a good night kiss and you want to kiss him, kiss him. 119 00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:59.000 But afterwards you should say to him, hey, you know, that was really nice. 120 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:01.000 I really enjoyed that. 121 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:06.000 I just want to let you know, here's my standard in this area. 122 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:11.000 It's the perfect segue to it, isn't it? 123 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:13.000 It's low key. 124 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:14.000 It's the right time. 125 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:16.000 It's the right place. 126 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:22.000 And then hopefully he's going to respond and say, oh yeah, you know, I have a standard in that area as well. 127 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:24.000 I'm waiting until marriage. 128 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:27.000 And you don't have to define what waiting means. 129 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:29.000 It's like, can we go to first base? 130 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:30.000 Can we go to second base? 131 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:32.000 Is it clothes on? 132 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:34.000 Is it, is everything okay? 133 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:38.000 If the clothes are on, on top of the clothes, feeling here, feeling there. 134 00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:42.000 There's no reason to get logistical with this statement. 135 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:53.000 If the relationship turns romantic or physically affectionate, that's the right moment to have that initial discussion about standards in that area. 136 00:09:53.000 --> 00:10:00.000 And then you can let it go until the relationship becomes more affectionate, becomes more passionate, becomes more heated. 137 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.980 you can actually define the boundaries and terms. 138 00:10:02.980 --> 00:10:03.820 Make sense? 139 00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:07.400 All right. 140 00:10:07.400 --> 00:10:09.160 And ladies, it's not only you 141 00:10:09.160 --> 00:10:10.840 that is defining boundaries and terms. 142 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:12.120 I've known lots of men 143 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:15.000 that have had to put the brakes on a handsy woman. 144 00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:18.040 I've known lots of men that have had to say, 145 00:10:18.040 --> 00:10:22.920 hey, hey, hey, hey, sister, slow it down, okay? 146 00:10:25.520 --> 00:10:26.720 We're not going there. 147 00:10:27.720 --> 00:10:31.160 And sometimes they don't get a second date. 148 00:10:31.160 --> 00:10:33.060 I know that we think that men are the only ones 149 00:10:33.060 --> 00:10:37.680 that are interested in, only interested in sex, 150 00:10:37.680 --> 00:10:39.680 and they're the only ones that break up with us 151 00:10:39.680 --> 00:10:41.920 if we're not willing to do that, 152 00:10:41.920 --> 00:10:44.880 but it happens to men as well. 153 00:10:44.880 --> 00:10:46.120 Just want to let you know. 154 00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:47.360 I know it's hard to believe, 155 00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:50.440 but I have lots and lots and lots of proof of that 156 00:10:50.440 --> 00:10:51.840 within my student body. 157 00:10:52.760 --> 00:10:53.600 Okay. 158 00:10:55.100 --> 00:10:56.320 All right. 159 00:10:56.920 --> 00:10:57.760 Okay, so I just wanted to go ahead 160 00:10:57.760 --> 00:10:59.160 and answer that question. 161 00:10:59.160 --> 00:11:00.620 Someone else said, how do you know, 162 00:11:00.620 --> 00:11:03.040 how do you show a guy that you're interested 163 00:11:03.040 --> 00:11:04.760 without getting friend zoned? 164 00:11:05.640 --> 00:11:07.580 Well, I don't really think that those two things 165 00:11:07.580 --> 00:11:09.000 go together in the same question. 166 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:11.840 So as far as letting a man know that you're interested 167 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:15.880 or that you're open to him asking you on a date, 168 00:11:15.880 --> 00:11:19.440 I think that it's fine for women to make the first move. 169 00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:20.380 I know there's a lot of, 170 00:11:20.380 --> 00:11:22.380 especially Christian coaches out there 171 00:11:22.380 --> 00:11:25.360 that want us to be this helpless feminine. 172 00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:27.940 Guys, that's not the world that we live in anymore. 173 00:11:27.940 --> 00:11:28.780 And just so you know, 174 00:11:28.780 --> 00:11:31.400 that was never the world that we lived in. 175 00:11:31.400 --> 00:11:33.920 Back in the day, it was societal. 176 00:11:33.920 --> 00:11:37.680 It was a societal pressure for men to be the ones 177 00:11:37.680 --> 00:11:40.080 that showed interest in a woman. 178 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:41.560 Let me tell you what was wrong with that. 179 00:11:41.560 --> 00:11:42.600 Because if you've read the book, 180 00:11:42.600 --> 00:11:45.540 you've read about our past in modern dating. 181 00:11:45.540 --> 00:11:47.640 You've read where modern dating comes from. 182 00:11:48.780 --> 00:11:50.280 The reason why we should be glad 183 00:11:50.280 --> 00:11:53.440 that we're not just sitting around helpless, 184 00:11:53.440 --> 00:11:56.280 waiting for a man to choose us and show interest in us, 185 00:11:56.280 --> 00:11:58.120 we actually get a choice now too. 186 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:01.240 Isn't that great? 187 00:12:02.820 --> 00:12:04.340 It's not a man choosing a woman. 188 00:12:04.340 --> 00:12:06.800 It's a woman and a man choosing each other. 189 00:12:06.800 --> 00:12:07.980 Do you hear me? 190 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:10.260 And we should be happy. 191 00:12:10.260 --> 00:12:11.960 And none of you should be waiting around 192 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:13.440 for a man to choose you 193 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:16.340 and putting all the pressure on a man to choose you. 194 00:12:16.340 --> 00:12:18.420 Because quite frankly, in the past, 195 00:12:18.420 --> 00:12:19.800 that hasn't worked out for women 196 00:12:19.800 --> 00:12:22.280 because women get chosen by men 197 00:12:22.280 --> 00:12:24.000 that they don't choose back. 198 00:12:25.520 --> 00:12:29.400 And then you were stuck because he chose you 199 00:12:29.400 --> 00:12:31.260 and your family said yes. 200 00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:35.160 Because of the dowry, because of the arrangement, 201 00:12:35.160 --> 00:12:37.700 because you're not gonna get a better offer. 202 00:12:38.520 --> 00:12:40.480 You guys, I'm so glad that we don't live 203 00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:42.340 during the time of debutante balls 204 00:12:42.340 --> 00:12:44.320 where they were basically putting their daughters 205 00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:45.480 out to auction. 206 00:12:45.480 --> 00:12:46.680 Are you not glad? 207 00:12:49.280 --> 00:12:50.560 That's what those were. 208 00:12:51.520 --> 00:12:53.640 Oh, our daughter is in puberty. 209 00:12:53.640 --> 00:12:56.160 It's time for her to come out. 210 00:12:56.160 --> 00:12:59.040 So we're gonna dress her in a pretty dress. 211 00:12:59.040 --> 00:13:00.520 That's white, by the way. 212 00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:02.200 And what is that? 213 00:13:02.200 --> 00:13:04.960 That's indicative of her purity. 214 00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:07.920 And a man is basically gonna bid on her virginity 215 00:13:07.920 --> 00:13:09.240 at this ball. 216 00:13:10.240 --> 00:13:11.680 What? 217 00:13:11.680 --> 00:13:12.940 Get the heck out of here. 218 00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:15.400 All right? 219 00:13:15.400 --> 00:13:17.000 No. 220 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:19.740 I'm so glad that we get to choose each other. 221 00:13:21.320 --> 00:13:24.200 We get to choose each other. 222 00:13:24.200 --> 00:13:28.080 Ruth absolutely did pursue Boaz, Linda. 223 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:31.280 But I mean, it's kind of a different type of story. 224 00:13:31.280 --> 00:13:32.920 But yes, it is true. 225 00:13:32.920 --> 00:13:35.880 All right, so friends, it's not about pursuit. 226 00:13:35.880 --> 00:13:36.920 Now, I just wanna let you know, 227 00:13:36.920 --> 00:13:38.820 I don't care how much you pursue a man. 228 00:13:38.820 --> 00:13:40.880 If he is not interested in you, 229 00:13:40.880 --> 00:13:43.520 then he is not going to reciprocate. 230 00:13:43.520 --> 00:13:47.840 And so after the initial interest is shown, 231 00:13:47.840 --> 00:13:50.360 sometimes men, especially men in 2026, 232 00:13:51.160 --> 00:13:53.160 they need some encouragement that you're interested. 233 00:13:53.160 --> 00:13:54.240 They do. 234 00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:59.240 Some men are just not aggressive in this area. 235 00:13:59.440 --> 00:14:01.500 They're not self-starters in this area. 236 00:14:01.500 --> 00:14:02.800 It doesn't make them bad men, 237 00:14:02.800 --> 00:14:06.640 but they have been really confused by what do women want? 238 00:14:06.640 --> 00:14:10.280 Especially in the Christianity circles. 239 00:14:11.440 --> 00:14:13.600 It's kind of taboo to ask someone out at church. 240 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:15.540 Did you guys know that? 241 00:14:15.540 --> 00:14:17.480 It's frowned upon. 242 00:14:17.480 --> 00:14:20.560 Even leaders don't want you to have singles groups 243 00:14:20.560 --> 00:14:21.400 at your churches. 244 00:14:21.400 --> 00:14:22.880 What do you think message that sends 245 00:14:22.880 --> 00:14:24.840 to single people at churches? 246 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:27.720 We don't want your singleness here. 247 00:14:27.720 --> 00:14:31.400 We don't want your dating here. 248 00:14:31.400 --> 00:14:33.800 We don't want your sexuality here. 249 00:14:33.800 --> 00:14:36.220 That's the message that it's sending. 250 00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:41.560 And so that's why it's awkward to try to approach someone 251 00:14:41.560 --> 00:14:45.240 in a church context and ask them for a date. 252 00:14:45.240 --> 00:14:46.320 Because if they say no, 253 00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:49.120 then you're probably going to have to find a new church. 254 00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:52.840 At least that's how people feel, right? 255 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:55.120 And God forbid you actually go out with someone 256 00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:57.000 and then they don't want to go out with you again. 257 00:14:57.000 --> 00:14:58.560 Then you're really going to feel like you need 258 00:14:58.560 --> 00:14:59.440 to find a new church. 259 00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:00.280 And this is. 260 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:07.500 by men, especially in church context or in spiritual community context, are very nervous 261 00:15:07.500 --> 00:15:10.080 to show interest in a woman. 262 00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:11.080 But guess what? 263 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:16.300 If you show interest first, that's going to make him brave. 264 00:15:16.300 --> 00:15:22.380 So all you need to do is if you are in proximity to a guy that you're starting to be interested 265 00:15:22.380 --> 00:15:27.860 in, start to want to know more about him, it's very easy for you to say, Hey, you know, 266 00:15:27.860 --> 00:15:29.580 I'd love to hang out with you sometime. 267 00:15:29.580 --> 00:15:33.220 I'd love to go to coffee with you sometime. 268 00:15:33.220 --> 00:15:38.960 You can, you can fill in the blank with something that you know he's interested in. 269 00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:40.060 You know, he likes to hike. 270 00:15:40.060 --> 00:15:41.060 So do you. 271 00:15:41.060 --> 00:15:42.420 Hey, I'd love to go hiking with you sometime. 272 00:15:42.420 --> 00:15:43.940 You know that he likes playing pickleball. 273 00:15:43.940 --> 00:15:46.320 Hey, we should play pickleball sometime. 274 00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:47.580 You know that he loves coffee. 275 00:15:47.580 --> 00:15:51.340 Hey, did you know there's a new coffee shop down on main street? 276 00:15:51.340 --> 00:15:52.780 I was thinking about trying it out. 277 00:15:52.780 --> 00:15:54.580 Do you want to come with? 278 00:15:54.580 --> 00:15:57.700 Do it ladies. 279 00:15:57.700 --> 00:16:01.340 Go ahead and put the ball in his court. 280 00:16:01.340 --> 00:16:07.380 What he does next with the ball is everything that you need to know. 281 00:16:07.380 --> 00:16:12.860 Everything that you need to know happens after you, you make a very clear invitation for 282 00:16:12.860 --> 00:16:17.340 him to hang out with you in a different context from where you know him. 283 00:16:17.340 --> 00:16:20.820 You know him from work, hanging out with you. 284 00:16:20.820 --> 00:16:24.740 If it's not against the rules, of course at work somewhere else, you know him through 285 00:16:24.740 --> 00:16:29.740 a different friend group, inviting him into hanging out with you without that friend group. 286 00:16:29.740 --> 00:16:33.300 Inviting him, you know him from church, inviting him out in the real world to do something 287 00:16:33.300 --> 00:16:34.340 with you. 288 00:16:34.340 --> 00:16:35.560 This is what you do. 289 00:16:35.560 --> 00:16:43.220 And then if he acts weird about it, like he's just like, Oh yeah, well maybe. 290 00:16:43.220 --> 00:16:45.120 Very few men are just going to shoot you down. 291 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:49.960 Very few men are just going to say, yeah, no, I'm not really interested in doing that. 292 00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:52.240 Very few men are going to do that. 293 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:57.480 But if they kind of hem and haw and they're just like, yeah, I'm super busy right now. 294 00:16:57.480 --> 00:16:58.840 I don't have a lot of time. 295 00:16:58.840 --> 00:16:59.840 He doesn't like you. 296 00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:00.840 Okay. 297 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:02.600 I'm just going to rip the bandaid right off. 298 00:17:02.600 --> 00:17:03.680 He doesn't like you. 299 00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:11.640 If he doesn't jump on that like a tick on a dog, then he does not like you like that. 300 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:12.640 And you know what? 301 00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:17.599 It's an easy segue once again for you just to be like, Oh yeah, you know, work gets really 302 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:18.760 busy sometimes. 303 00:17:18.760 --> 00:17:19.760 That's cool. 304 00:17:19.760 --> 00:17:23.880 I'll see you next week at church at now. 305 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:29.080 He knows that you're interested and maybe he's not interested right at this moment, 306 00:17:29.080 --> 00:17:32.840 but if he ever becomes interested, because now he sees you differently. 307 00:17:32.840 --> 00:17:37.440 If he ever becomes interested now that he's seeing you in a different light, cause this 308 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:42.000 does happen sometimes, he will be the one initiating, Hey, remember when you said we 309 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:43.000 could go play pickleball? 310 00:17:43.000 --> 00:17:44.560 I'd like to do that now. 311 00:17:44.560 --> 00:17:47.360 Hey, remember it doesn't happen often guys. 312 00:17:47.360 --> 00:17:50.560 Men are pretty decisive about whether they're attracted to you or not. 313 00:17:50.560 --> 00:17:55.480 There have been instances where a man becomes attracted in community later after he knows 314 00:17:55.480 --> 00:17:57.940 that you're interested in him. 315 00:17:57.940 --> 00:18:00.560 Doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. 316 00:18:00.560 --> 00:18:07.240 Once again, if he doesn't have time, doesn't want to do it, it's just like, eh, iffy, like 317 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:11.940 I don't know, you know, maybe sometime then he's not interested. 318 00:18:11.940 --> 00:18:17.080 If he says yes, immediately you got yourself a, got yourself a date. 319 00:18:17.080 --> 00:18:20.040 Now what happens on that date is super important. 320 00:18:20.040 --> 00:18:21.920 And yes, it's a date. 321 00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:24.600 And what happens on that date is super important. 322 00:18:24.600 --> 00:18:29.620 If he asks you to pay half the bill, he's probably not that interested. 323 00:18:29.620 --> 00:18:34.880 And not that men need to pay the bill, but a man who's romantically interested, he would 324 00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:38.040 die before he lets you pay that bill. 325 00:18:38.040 --> 00:18:39.040 Okay? 326 00:18:39.040 --> 00:18:42.920 He will wrestle someone to the ground for that check. 327 00:18:42.920 --> 00:18:44.360 Why? 328 00:18:44.360 --> 00:18:47.840 Because this is what we equate chivalry with and he knows it already. 329 00:18:47.840 --> 00:18:53.200 If he's just mildly kind of like scoping you out, not really that interested, just going 330 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:57.480 with you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. 331 00:18:57.480 --> 00:19:00.680 He might, he might go Dutch with you on that check. 332 00:19:00.680 --> 00:19:01.680 Okay. 333 00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:04.820 What else should happen before that date is over? 334 00:19:04.820 --> 00:19:06.440 Please listen and hear me. 335 00:19:06.440 --> 00:19:11.120 If that man is excited about being in your presence and he's excited about being on this 336 00:19:11.120 --> 00:19:18.280 date with you and he wants to see you again, he is going to try to secure that second date 337 00:19:18.280 --> 00:19:20.960 before you guys part ways. 338 00:19:20.960 --> 00:19:23.080 Hey, we should do this again. 339 00:19:23.080 --> 00:19:24.360 Hey, I really had fun. 340 00:19:24.360 --> 00:19:25.360 I'd love to do this again. 341 00:19:25.360 --> 00:19:27.160 Hey, there's this thing coming up next week. 342 00:19:27.160 --> 00:19:30.400 Do you want to go with me? 343 00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:32.500 You should hear from him immediately. 344 00:19:32.500 --> 00:19:33.500 He should text you. 345 00:19:33.500 --> 00:19:35.800 He should call you. 346 00:19:35.800 --> 00:19:42.160 If he doesn't, then he is either not ready for any type of relationship or just not interested 347 00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:43.560 in a relationship with you. 348 00:19:43.560 --> 00:19:45.000 Does that make sense, friends? 349 00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:48.780 And that's going back into our framework for next week and the week after we're talking 350 00:19:48.780 --> 00:19:50.200 about the 90 day framework. 351 00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:52.400 What's it look like to get to know someone? 352 00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:57.280 What's it look like to, um, those initial meetings, those initial dates, the first 30 353 00:19:57.280 --> 00:19:58.280 days. 354 00:19:58.280 --> 00:19:58.280 355 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.080 during those first 30 days in order to get from level 1, 2, 3, 4 and up. 356 00:20:06.080 --> 00:20:09.640 So a lot of your questions are going to be answered as you go into more and more of the 357 00:20:09.640 --> 00:20:12.080 reading of the book, okay? 358 00:20:12.080 --> 00:20:15.200 But I wanted to get those questions out of the way because I thought they were good and 359 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:20.000 I didn't get a chance to answer them because I was on a plane and I was traveling. 360 00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:22.960 All right, let's jump into tonight. 361 00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:27.680 So all of you had the homework to figure out who in the heck is going to be on my relationship 362 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:30.260 advisory circle. 363 00:20:30.260 --> 00:20:32.360 Do all of you have at least one person? 364 00:20:32.360 --> 00:20:52.200 Let me see in the chat. 365 00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:56.080 Rhonda has three, Nora has one, everyone, a lot of people saying yes. 366 00:20:56.080 --> 00:20:59.560 Let me see who was saying no here. 367 00:20:59.560 --> 00:21:07.040 Okay, for those of you that are saying no, Julia said no, Karen said no. 368 00:21:07.040 --> 00:21:12.000 Go ahead and put your city and state in the chat if you said no. 369 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:16.440 I see that Karen, I think that's how you pronounce your name, Mainesville, Ohio. 370 00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:17.440 What's that near? 371 00:21:17.440 --> 00:21:19.360 Like what big city is that near, Karen? 372 00:21:19.360 --> 00:21:24.280 If you guys could put up your city and state if you said no. 373 00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:25.960 Carrie, you're saying no. 374 00:21:25.960 --> 00:21:27.840 Put up your city and state. 375 00:21:27.840 --> 00:21:31.960 And friends, look here because you might find someone that you can actually begin to talk 376 00:21:31.960 --> 00:21:43.280 with, chat with. 377 00:21:43.280 --> 00:21:52.540 Someone said here that, um, okay, Kat has three, possibly four. 378 00:21:52.540 --> 00:21:54.940 You probably don't need four. 379 00:21:54.940 --> 00:21:56.060 Three is probably good. 380 00:21:56.060 --> 00:22:01.900 Too many chefs in the kitchen may not be the greatest idea, but four at the very most. 381 00:22:01.900 --> 00:22:02.900 Okay. 382 00:22:02.900 --> 00:22:04.380 Um, Ann's going to ask someone tomorrow. 383 00:22:04.380 --> 00:22:05.380 That's great. 384 00:22:05.380 --> 00:22:13.020 And what is my pastor has to wait because we have to deal with another issue. 385 00:22:13.020 --> 00:22:16.820 And so when you said you'll be asking your first one tomorrow, are you asking your pastor? 386 00:22:16.820 --> 00:22:17.820 I'm going to go ahead and put in the chat. 387 00:22:17.820 --> 00:22:24.300 If you're asking your pastor to be on that advisory circle, I don't think that's a good 388 00:22:24.300 --> 00:22:32.340 idea by the way, just so you know, if that's what you're doing, um, LCSW is tomorrow, not 389 00:22:32.340 --> 00:22:33.340 pastor. 390 00:22:33.340 --> 00:22:39.140 Oh, is it just a typo of some sort? 391 00:22:39.140 --> 00:22:42.380 You didn't mean to put pastor just, it's just a typo. 392 00:22:42.380 --> 00:22:43.380 Okay. 393 00:22:44.380 --> 00:22:49.300 Michelle is like, Hey Carrie, I'll do it. 394 00:22:49.300 --> 00:22:52.220 You guys think you can DM each other on here? 395 00:22:52.220 --> 00:22:56.700 You could definitely find each other in the app, in the groups and get each other. 396 00:22:56.700 --> 00:22:57.700 Yeah. 397 00:22:57.700 --> 00:22:58.700 You friends. 398 00:22:58.700 --> 00:23:02.160 I don't think that spiritual leaders in your life, like pastors and people like that should 399 00:23:02.160 --> 00:23:03.160 be on your list. 400 00:23:03.160 --> 00:23:08.860 And the reason why is because there's already like an imbalance of influence and power. 401 00:23:08.860 --> 00:23:11.500 Does that make sense? 402 00:23:11.500 --> 00:23:12.740 There already is. 403 00:23:12.740 --> 00:23:16.500 And the reason why I say that you shouldn't do this now, I'm not telling you guys, I'm 404 00:23:16.500 --> 00:23:18.660 not making, I'm not making it a rule. 405 00:23:18.660 --> 00:23:19.660 Okay. 406 00:23:19.660 --> 00:23:24.380 It's not black and white, but I will tell you that I've seen a lot of pastors give people 407 00:23:24.380 --> 00:23:28.260 bad advice in the area of romance. 408 00:23:28.260 --> 00:23:31.220 Either they're not your person or they are your person. 409 00:23:31.220 --> 00:23:36.340 I have had heard so many horror stories about I married this person because my pastor thought 410 00:23:36.340 --> 00:23:37.340 they were my person. 411 00:23:37.340 --> 00:23:41.340 They had a word for me or they told me that they were a good catch. 412 00:23:42.180 --> 00:23:43.180 My pastor did our premarital counseling. 413 00:23:43.180 --> 00:23:45.220 I had, I had misgivings. 414 00:23:45.220 --> 00:23:48.820 I tried to bring them up and my pastor was like, no, you're just nervous. 415 00:23:48.820 --> 00:23:49.820 You're just scared. 416 00:23:49.820 --> 00:23:50.820 Guys. 417 00:23:50.820 --> 00:23:53.700 I have heard so many bad stories. 418 00:23:53.700 --> 00:23:54.780 Okay. 419 00:23:54.780 --> 00:24:02.820 So maybe you only have people on your advisory circle that are your equals, your peers, people 420 00:24:02.820 --> 00:24:08.060 that there's not this imbalance of power and influence with. 421 00:24:08.060 --> 00:24:14.420 So you know, maybe, maybe a good idea. 422 00:24:14.420 --> 00:24:18.020 All right. 423 00:24:18.020 --> 00:24:19.260 And Ann brings up something good. 424 00:24:19.260 --> 00:24:22.060 She said, well, if I don't have him, then I don't have a man on my list. 425 00:24:22.060 --> 00:24:23.060 You don't need a man. 426 00:24:23.060 --> 00:24:25.500 You don't have to have a man. 427 00:24:25.500 --> 00:24:27.460 You don't have to have a man. 428 00:24:27.460 --> 00:24:31.120 In fact, most people have a same gender advisory circle. 429 00:24:31.120 --> 00:24:36.620 If you have a trusted man in your life that you think gives really good, very clear advice 430 00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:47.180 that's not tainted by any kind of, um, you know, predisposed thinking, then just be careful. 431 00:24:47.180 --> 00:24:48.180 Just be careful friends. 432 00:24:48.180 --> 00:24:49.220 I don't want you to stay stuck. 433 00:24:49.220 --> 00:24:50.300 That's all. 434 00:24:50.300 --> 00:24:51.900 Use wisdom in choosing these people. 435 00:24:51.900 --> 00:24:52.900 Okay. 436 00:24:52.900 --> 00:24:53.900 All right. 437 00:24:53.900 --> 00:24:54.900 So let's go forward. 438 00:24:54.900 --> 00:24:56.440 I'm going to give you guys a chance to go into breakouts. 439 00:24:56.440 --> 00:24:59.060 You might meet some more people for your advisory circles. 440 00:24:59.060 --> 00:24:59.700 It's going to be great. 441 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:09.600 Alright, so let's jump into some recaps of your homework from this week, your reading from this week. Let's talk about that stuff. 442 00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:14.360 Alright, so we're talking about being stuck this week in the reading. 443 00:25:16.140 --> 00:25:17.800 We were talking about that. 444 00:25:19.400 --> 00:25:21.920 In the form of Jenny. 445 00:25:24.760 --> 00:25:25.520 And James. 446 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:44.440 Alright, so hopefully you guys did your reading. If not, you got a lot of catching up to do. So I want you to make sure you do it. But I tell a story in the book for those of you that didn't read about two different clients of mine. The names have been changed. So don't try to figure out who they are. 447 00:25:44.760 --> 00:25:58.680 Okay, you know, it's funny is I have success stories named Jenny and James. I have several Jenny's as success stories and I have several James's as success stories. So you're never going to figure it out because the names have been changed. Okay, but both of these people. 448 00:25:58.800 --> 00:26:01.520 Both of these people were around the same age. 449 00:26:02.560 --> 00:26:16.160 And I put them in the book because their stories could be very similar in some ways, but they ended up being so different in their matchmaking. Okay, so Jenny around her late 40s James his mid 40s. 450 00:26:16.600 --> 00:26:25.120 James was divorced had some kids Jenny had never been married, but she had been intentionally dating for a long, long, long time. 451 00:26:25.600 --> 00:26:35.680 She had been on lots and lots and lots of dates and she had a very clear picture in her mind of who it was that she thought was her person. 452 00:26:36.600 --> 00:26:44.920 Okay, what are they going to be like, what are they going to have achieved who they are all the things she had an actual list and I'm not kidding. Okay. 453 00:26:46.120 --> 00:26:47.640 Lots and lots of criteria. 454 00:26:48.640 --> 00:26:57.960 And James only had a few things on his non-negotiables because remember this whole session is about non-negotiables versus preferences. 455 00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:08.440 So she thought that all of her list was non-negotiables. It was deal breakers. It was standards, but it wasn't. It was preferences. 456 00:27:09.320 --> 00:27:19.880 Preferences that she had developed because she had been single for 44 years or 49 years with no really serious relationships. 457 00:27:20.320 --> 00:27:29.640 So she continued to build up this fantasy of what this person should be like, right? So James got married. She didn't, and she's actually still single. 458 00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:44.120 I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings or to scare you, but she's actually still single and she will remain single until she starts dealing with what is keeping her single, which is fear. 459 00:27:44.800 --> 00:27:49.880 You guys, if you have a long list of non-negotiables, it's because you're afraid. 460 00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:56.760 You're afraid. You're afraid of trusting someone. You're afraid of letting someone in. 461 00:27:56.800 --> 00:28:12.000 You're afraid of picking the wrong person. And you think that if you could just get the perfect person for you or the person that's the exact opposite of someone who broke your heart before, or whatever it is behind that long list of non-negotiables, then you're going to be safe. 462 00:28:12.040 --> 00:28:20.920 And you know what? You're not. Yes, 13 is absolutely too long, Carrie, for a non-negotiable list. Your non-negotiables shouldn't have more than five to six items on them. 463 00:28:20.920 --> 00:28:30.440 Remember, it's not your preferences. It's your non-negotiables. It is your deal breakers. And I gave you guys a deciding question. 464 00:28:31.400 --> 00:28:43.800 You're supposed to use that question to decide whether this is a non-negotiable or deal breaker. And the question is, if my person has everything else on this list, except for this one thing, would I still continue to get to know them? 465 00:28:43.800 --> 00:29:04.200 Would I continue to date them? Would I possibly marry them? Or is it a hard pass? If you would continue to entertain them, if they had all the other things and just didn't have that one thing, then it's not a non-negotiable. It's a preference, five to six Juanita, pare it down. 466 00:29:05.160 --> 00:29:24.920 Pare it down. Now, friends, if you're getting into the nitty gritty, nitty, nitty, nitty gritty with these lists of personality, like he has to love Jesus or gentlemen, she has to, you know, be feminine. And she has to do like, if you're like, just kind of trying to be very, very descriptive, that is another pitfall. 467 00:29:25.880 --> 00:29:41.240 You know why? Because there's no way to find this stuff out about someone quickly. If you're getting into the nuances of their personality, you're going to have to know them for a long time before you actually see if that stuff is true or not. Aren't you? 468 00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:58.600 Your non-negotiables should be things that you can quickly discern about someone within the first 30 to 60 days of knowing them, preferably 30. Cause if you not going to read ahead, but when you get to my framework, you're going to see. 469 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:09.880 That after 30 days, you should be getting into other logistical, serious relationship, 470 00:30:09.880 --> 00:30:11.720 compatibility things. 471 00:30:11.720 --> 00:30:14.960 The non-negotiable questions should have already been answered. 472 00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:19.840 You should not continue dating anyone after 30 days that has a deal breaker. 473 00:30:19.840 --> 00:30:22.720 Oh, they'll change. 474 00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:23.720 It'll be okay. 475 00:30:23.720 --> 00:30:25.480 It can get fixed. 476 00:30:25.480 --> 00:30:28.600 Maybe, maybe I really don't need that after all. 477 00:30:28.600 --> 00:30:32.260 If you're serious that you don't need it after all, it was always a preference. 478 00:30:32.260 --> 00:30:34.680 It was always a preference. 479 00:30:34.680 --> 00:30:39.680 And if you're willing to compromise a true deal breaker after 30 days of knowing someone, 480 00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:47.080 then that means you're desperate and you're in the desperation script, scarcity script. 481 00:30:47.080 --> 00:30:57.480 Okay, I'm going to put you guys in breakouts and you're going to name your non-negotiables. 482 00:30:57.480 --> 00:30:59.560 Don't get into your preferences right now. 483 00:30:59.560 --> 00:31:00.560 You're only going to do non-negotiables. 484 00:31:00.560 --> 00:31:01.560 Okay. 485 00:31:01.560 --> 00:31:02.560 That's it. 486 00:31:02.560 --> 00:31:06.380 You're just going to tell each other what your non-negotiables are. 487 00:31:06.380 --> 00:31:14.240 And then after, after everyone has a chance, I'm going to put you in groups of three. 488 00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:22.120 So after everyone has a chance to go, I'm trying to think of how I want you to do this. 489 00:31:22.120 --> 00:31:27.240 As soon as the person reads off their non-negotiables, the other two people in the room have permission 490 00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:33.040 to maybe push back on a list item that they think is more of a preference. 491 00:31:33.040 --> 00:31:36.080 No fighting in here. 492 00:31:36.080 --> 00:31:38.420 Okay. 493 00:31:38.420 --> 00:31:43.360 And no, no one trying to teach or coach or do hard work with people. 494 00:31:43.360 --> 00:31:47.440 You're just going to say, Hey, you know, that kind of sounds like a preference. 495 00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:48.440 Is it? 496 00:31:48.440 --> 00:31:49.440 Okay. 497 00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:50.440 All right. 498 00:31:50.440 --> 00:31:56.780 I swear, I better not hear about no fighting in these rooms because you know, I can surf 499 00:31:56.780 --> 00:31:57.780 the rooms. 500 00:31:57.780 --> 00:32:02.660 I can come in and don't make me come in there. 501 00:32:02.660 --> 00:32:03.660 Listen to me. 502 00:32:03.660 --> 00:32:04.660 Sounding like your mama. 503 00:32:04.660 --> 00:32:07.660 Don't make me come in there. 504 00:32:07.660 --> 00:32:11.160 Okay. 505 00:32:11.160 --> 00:32:14.080 Some people get real picky with other people's non-negotiables. 506 00:32:14.080 --> 00:32:15.620 So let's be careful. 507 00:32:15.620 --> 00:32:17.500 All right. 508 00:32:17.500 --> 00:32:18.500 Create open. 509 00:32:18.500 --> 00:32:24.140 Go ahead and click that button that says go into the room and I'll see you back in 10-ish 510 00:33:24.140 --> 00:33:36.500 Welcome back, everyone. 511 00:33:36.500 --> 00:33:38.580 We're just going to wait till everyone rolls back in here. 512 00:33:38.580 --> 00:33:40.500 All the, all the rooms are closing. 513 00:33:40.500 --> 00:33:43.820 They'll all be closed in three, two, one. 514 00:33:43.820 --> 00:33:44.820 Awesome. 515 00:33:44.820 --> 00:33:45.820 Don't worry. 516 00:33:45.820 --> 00:33:47.020 You'll have more. 517 00:33:47.020 --> 00:33:51.340 You'll have more breakout time this session and also next session. 518 00:33:51.340 --> 00:33:59.420 Uh, when we do modern dating sucks session, session four, it's a lot of its activations. 519 00:33:59.420 --> 00:34:02.660 And so you're going to be in a lot of breakout rooms next week. 520 00:34:02.660 --> 00:34:03.700 Actually I won't be here. 521 00:34:03.700 --> 00:34:09.420 You will have my co-host putting you in breakouts on all different types of subjects and it 522 00:34:09.420 --> 00:34:10.420 will be great. 523 00:34:10.420 --> 00:34:11.420 Okay. 524 00:34:11.420 --> 00:34:14.080 So I want you to be honest. 525 00:34:14.080 --> 00:34:16.980 I will tell you guys while you were gone, for those of you that are people of faith, 526 00:34:16.980 --> 00:34:23.060 I really felt in my heart and remember I'm a good matchmaker because I am led by a supernatural 527 00:34:23.060 --> 00:34:24.060 signal. 528 00:34:24.060 --> 00:34:29.020 Um, the reason why I'm a good matchmaker is because I have a supernation about who should 529 00:34:29.020 --> 00:34:30.420 be together or who should meet. 530 00:34:30.420 --> 00:34:34.340 Um, I oftentimes have been sitting in front of one person and just seeing another person's 531 00:34:34.340 --> 00:34:35.340 face. 532 00:34:35.340 --> 00:34:39.020 Sometimes someone I barely know and had hardly met before and I introduced them and they 533 00:34:39.020 --> 00:34:40.020 got married. 534 00:34:40.020 --> 00:34:45.739 So I have a gift and I will tell you, I want you to know that there is at least one couple 535 00:34:45.820 --> 00:34:49.179 that's going to meet and get married from this book club. 536 00:34:49.179 --> 00:34:53.540 And I have not said that in any of my other book club sessions, there is one couple in 537 00:34:53.540 --> 00:34:58.340 here right now, a man and a woman obviously that are going to meet because of this book 538 00:34:58.340 --> 00:35:00.020 club and get married to each other. 539 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:08.000 So I'm putting that out there because I feel it and I know from experience when I feel it, I got to reel it. 540 00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:12.000 I got to make it real. I got to release it. All right. Okay. So let's talk about James and Jenny. 541 00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:15.000 I want you to be honest. It doesn't, it doesn't, it's not about who you're becoming. 542 00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.000 It's about who you are right now. And I cannot help you get there. 543 00:35:19.000 --> 00:35:29.000 If you're not going to be honest with me and with yourself, are you more right now of a Jenny or are you more of a James? 544 00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:32.000 Put in the chat right now. Are you more of a Jenny or are you more of a James? 545 00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:43.000 James only had two items on his list and I was able to match him and he was able to get married. 546 00:35:43.000 --> 00:35:53.000 There's screen on. I don't know what's happening there. 547 00:35:53.000 --> 00:36:01.000 Actually, Cheryl, I might need to make you co-host first. Let me do that. 548 00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:10.000 Okay. If you can figure that out, that'd be great because they're my entire screen is this person and I need to figure out what's going on with that. 549 00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:20.000 All right. 550 00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:26.000 Some people are like, I'm Jenny for sure, but I want to be James. I want to be like James. And that's why you're here. 551 00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:33.000 Look, I call Jenny a disgruntled dater. She hated dating. She was tired of dating. She wasn't having any success in dating. 552 00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:41.000 And she's a disgruntled dater. You know what disgruntled daters are? They're reactive. That's what they are. 553 00:36:41.000 --> 00:36:51.000 They believe that they're waiting for something to happen to them. They're enduring this single process or enduring the dating process. 554 00:36:51.000 --> 00:37:00.000 They're complaining about it all the time because they have high hopes when they meet a new person that turns into disappointment every time because this person's not their person. 555 00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:06.000 This person doesn't have their list preferences. They don't get to know the person. 556 00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:12.000 A lot of times these are people that don't even give it a chance to even grow or expand. 557 00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:21.000 So some of these people will either lower their expectations and settle for something that's not really good, not healthy, or they'll continue to add another list item. 558 00:37:21.000 --> 00:37:27.000 Do you hear me? Cheryl, do we know what's going on with that? The screen? 559 00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:36.000 I believe your view preference might be on speaker, just speaker instead of gallery. 560 00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:48.000 Okay. Thank you. Let me check that out. I don't know how that happened. But why would that person be at the speaker view? I'm the speaker. 561 00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:51.000 I don't know. 562 00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:56.000 Yeah. Things that make you go, hmm. 563 00:37:56.000 --> 00:38:01.000 All right. Now it's me. Hello, everybody. Okay. All right. 564 00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:06.000 So disgruntled daters, you guys, they're waiting to be chosen. 565 00:38:06.000 --> 00:38:12.000 Ladies, they're waiting to be chosen. This is not usually a man thing. This is usually a woman thing. 566 00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:20.000 She's sitting around believing that someday her prince will come and he's going to choose her above all the other fair maidens in the land. 567 00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:26.000 Yeah, that's the fairytale script. Stop running it. It's ridiculous. That's not how it works. 568 00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:32.000 Healthy marriage. 569 00:38:32.000 --> 00:38:40.000 Every day on, you're going to choose about love. 570 00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:46.000 You have to keep choosing and you have to keep choosing. You have to keep choosing every day through every season. 571 00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:50.000 You're going to have to choose this person because this person is going to change. 572 00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.000 They're going to become different versions of themselves as time goes on. 573 00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:57.000 Disappointment is going to come. Heartache is going to come. 574 00:38:57.000 --> 00:39:01.000 Mountaintop experiences of breakthroughs and promotions and amazing things are going to come. 575 00:39:01.000 --> 00:39:05.000 All of that's going to change you. All of that's going to change them. 576 00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:10.000 That's why your non-negotiables have to be foundational. 577 00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:17.000 Let's think about a house. The thing that causes the house to stand throughout time is its foundation. 578 00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:22.000 Am I correct about building foundation? 579 00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:26.000 It's the load-bearing walls that are built on the foundation. 580 00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:31.000 That is what's going to cause this house to be able to stand through the tests of time. 581 00:39:32.000 --> 00:39:37.000 Isn't the color of the faucets, whether they're gold or silver, 582 00:39:37.000 --> 00:39:43.000 go through the test of time and the storms that are going to beat on the house 583 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:48.000 and the sun that's going to scorch the house. Is that what it's going to be? 584 00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:58.000 Is it the color of the house that's going to cause it to be able to stand and continue to hold? 585 00:39:58.000 --> 00:40:01.000 I should really answer these questions. 586 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.660 Next question, is it anything cosmetic at all 587 00:40:03.660 --> 00:40:05.200 that's going to cause that? 588 00:40:05.200 --> 00:40:07.200 Now, of course we want to be attracted to the house. 589 00:40:07.200 --> 00:40:10.080 We don't want to move into a house that we absolutely hate. 590 00:40:10.080 --> 00:40:13.620 But remember friends, fixer uppers are not just for houses, 591 00:40:13.620 --> 00:40:14.700 they're for spouses. 592 00:40:14.700 --> 00:40:16.380 And so if someone doesn't have everything 593 00:40:16.380 --> 00:40:19.020 on your preference list on the outside, 594 00:40:19.020 --> 00:40:20.220 so that stuff can be. 595 00:40:21.060 --> 00:40:26.060 Invisalign, get a hold of yourself, okay? 596 00:40:30.040 --> 00:40:31.640 People are like, Jackie, you have beautiful teeth. 597 00:40:31.640 --> 00:40:33.760 Yeah, I had Invisalign, 598 00:40:33.760 --> 00:40:34.720 because I had buck teeth 599 00:40:34.720 --> 00:40:36.620 and I had a space in between my teeth. 600 00:40:38.080 --> 00:40:41.220 You're like, but Jackie, he dresses terribly. 601 00:40:41.220 --> 00:40:42.560 Yeah, it's called the mall. 602 00:40:44.680 --> 00:40:46.320 In fact, I just want to let you ladies know, 603 00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:48.500 if he dresses amazingly well, 604 00:40:48.500 --> 00:40:51.500 if he dresses better than you, 605 00:40:51.500 --> 00:40:53.360 then there's a reason for that. 606 00:40:55.260 --> 00:40:57.520 He knows what women like. 607 00:40:58.440 --> 00:41:00.300 Now, not all men that dress well 608 00:41:00.300 --> 00:41:02.740 and are really handsome, conventionally handsome, 609 00:41:02.740 --> 00:41:06.740 know that they have power over women, but a lot of them do. 610 00:41:06.740 --> 00:41:08.520 Same thing with ladies, gentlemen. 611 00:41:08.520 --> 00:41:10.280 If she's super hot, she knows it. 612 00:41:10.280 --> 00:41:15.280 And she's probably not going to be with you for very long, 613 00:41:16.300 --> 00:41:18.220 especially if there's a better offer on the table 614 00:41:18.940 --> 00:41:20.140 from somebody else. 615 00:41:20.140 --> 00:41:22.120 Women that put lots and lots of money 616 00:41:22.120 --> 00:41:23.140 into the way they look, 617 00:41:23.140 --> 00:41:26.100 and I'm talking about replacing body parts. 618 00:41:26.100 --> 00:41:29.180 They're replacing body parts out here, okay? 619 00:41:30.140 --> 00:41:32.380 They got gummy bear boobies. 620 00:41:32.380 --> 00:41:35.260 Has anyone heard about this new trend, gummy bears? 621 00:41:35.260 --> 00:41:37.580 This is the new silicone implants. 622 00:41:37.580 --> 00:41:39.280 You know how you cut a gummy bear in half 623 00:41:39.280 --> 00:41:41.380 and it doesn't leak any liquid 624 00:41:41.380 --> 00:41:43.740 because it's solid in there, but it's squishy? 625 00:41:43.740 --> 00:41:47.020 Yeah, so if they got the expensive gummy bear implants, 626 00:41:47.020 --> 00:41:48.620 if they got that. 627 00:41:48.620 --> 00:41:50.580 Now, if they had to have reconstruction 628 00:41:50.580 --> 00:41:52.580 because they were sick or whatever, okay. 629 00:41:52.580 --> 00:41:56.480 But women that have really super expensive hair extensions 630 00:41:56.480 --> 00:41:58.620 and filler and lip things, 631 00:41:58.620 --> 00:42:00.220 and men don't really notice this. 632 00:42:00.220 --> 00:42:01.060 A lot of men will be like, 633 00:42:01.060 --> 00:42:03.100 man, she's so naturally beautiful. 634 00:42:03.100 --> 00:42:04.740 Can we all just laugh at that for a second? 635 00:42:04.740 --> 00:42:06.660 Because that costs a lot of money 636 00:42:06.660 --> 00:42:09.140 for her to be that naturally beautiful. 637 00:42:09.140 --> 00:42:13.560 Mm-hmm, and so the women that are walking around 638 00:42:13.560 --> 00:42:15.260 with a little Brazilian butt lift 639 00:42:15.260 --> 00:42:17.100 and in their slinky clothes 640 00:42:17.100 --> 00:42:18.820 and they have perfect spray tans 641 00:42:18.820 --> 00:42:20.060 and all the different things, 642 00:42:20.060 --> 00:42:22.500 those ladies are expensive gentlemen. 643 00:42:23.420 --> 00:42:25.020 And because they're expensive, 644 00:42:25.020 --> 00:42:26.900 they're always gonna be looking for the highest bidder. 645 00:42:26.900 --> 00:42:28.860 And at one point in time, that might be you. 646 00:42:28.860 --> 00:42:32.260 And in the next season, it might not be you. 647 00:42:32.260 --> 00:42:36.140 So once again, does the house have good bones? 648 00:42:37.620 --> 00:42:38.980 Does it have a foundation? 649 00:42:38.980 --> 00:42:40.680 For those of you that are believers and Christians, 650 00:42:40.680 --> 00:42:43.460 does it have a Christian foundation, a Christ foundation? 651 00:42:43.460 --> 00:42:44.700 Is it built on the rock? 652 00:42:45.340 --> 00:42:46.860 Can it stand the test of time? 653 00:42:46.860 --> 00:42:47.820 I always tell people, 654 00:42:47.820 --> 00:42:49.820 imagine that you're going through the hardest time 655 00:42:49.820 --> 00:42:51.260 in your life with this person. 656 00:42:51.260 --> 00:42:52.820 Do you want this person by your side 657 00:42:52.820 --> 00:42:54.580 when you lose your parents someday, 658 00:42:54.580 --> 00:42:57.340 when your parents get sick and they're sick for years 659 00:42:57.340 --> 00:42:59.140 and you're caretaking for them, 660 00:42:59.140 --> 00:43:00.460 visiting them in the nursing home 661 00:43:00.460 --> 00:43:02.500 or caring for them at your own house, 662 00:43:02.500 --> 00:43:05.220 when God forbid you get sick or you get injured somehow, 663 00:43:05.220 --> 00:43:06.140 when you lose a job. 664 00:43:06.140 --> 00:43:08.580 I just had a friend text me the other day. 665 00:43:08.580 --> 00:43:11.740 Her husband lost his job just out of nowhere. 666 00:43:11.740 --> 00:43:14.620 This kind of stuff happens. 667 00:43:15.420 --> 00:43:17.940 Why do you think so many people got divorced during COVID? 668 00:43:17.940 --> 00:43:19.500 Because people started losing jobs 669 00:43:19.500 --> 00:43:21.460 that they didn't think were losable. 670 00:43:22.660 --> 00:43:25.140 They were locked into tight spaces with each other 671 00:43:25.140 --> 00:43:28.200 and they hadn't been at home together in years 672 00:43:28.200 --> 00:43:30.340 because they were ships passing in the night. 673 00:43:30.340 --> 00:43:32.220 Now they actually have to do relationship together. 674 00:43:32.220 --> 00:43:34.460 And they realize, I don't really like this person. 675 00:43:34.460 --> 00:43:36.100 I don't like this person's personality. 676 00:43:36.100 --> 00:43:38.180 I don't like their attitude. 677 00:43:38.180 --> 00:43:39.740 Now we're going through all kinds of hardships. 678 00:43:39.740 --> 00:43:40.660 We don't have any money. 679 00:43:40.660 --> 00:43:42.540 They lost their job, blah, blah, blah. 680 00:43:42.540 --> 00:43:44.180 All the things, you guys, 681 00:43:44.180 --> 00:43:47.580 you have to picture the hardest moments in life 682 00:43:47.580 --> 00:43:50.300 when you are planning on partnering 683 00:43:50.300 --> 00:43:52.100 for your whole life with someone. 684 00:43:52.100 --> 00:43:54.940 Do you want this person next to you during those seasons? 685 00:43:56.220 --> 00:43:57.060 Do you? 686 00:43:58.220 --> 00:43:59.500 Are they going to be a good companion? 687 00:43:59.500 --> 00:44:00.540 Are they going to be a good partner? 688 00:44:00.540 --> 00:44:01.780 Are they going to be there for you? 689 00:44:01.780 --> 00:44:02.660 Are they going to support you? 690 00:44:02.660 --> 00:44:04.300 Are they going to comfort you or they give you? 691 00:44:04.300 --> 00:44:08.180 Gentlemen, I don't care how good she looks. 692 00:44:08.180 --> 00:44:11.140 If she's not divinely feminine, she's not a nurturer. 693 00:44:11.140 --> 00:44:12.980 She's not going to comfort you in your hard times. 694 00:44:12.980 --> 00:44:14.700 And trust me, you're going to have some. 695 00:44:14.700 --> 00:44:17.180 Then she's not who you want as a wife. 696 00:44:19.740 --> 00:44:21.900 So friends, we cannot be disgruntled daters 697 00:44:21.900 --> 00:44:24.860 waiting to be chosen by someone. 698 00:44:24.860 --> 00:44:26.180 We have to choose each other 699 00:44:26.180 --> 00:44:27.700 and we have to keep choosing each other. 700 00:44:27.700 --> 00:44:29.780 And that's why this whole book club 701 00:44:29.780 --> 00:44:32.980 is designed to make you your own matchmaker 702 00:44:32.980 --> 00:44:35.700 and to make you the matchmaker of others. 703 00:44:35.700 --> 00:44:38.540 So instead of dating like a disgruntled dater like Jenny, 704 00:44:38.540 --> 00:44:39.620 now you guys are going to shift 705 00:44:39.620 --> 00:44:42.340 into dating like a matchmaker like James. 706 00:44:43.660 --> 00:44:45.500 James played his own matchmaker. 707 00:44:45.500 --> 00:44:46.860 I helped him. 708 00:44:46.860 --> 00:44:48.380 But you know how I was able to help him? 709 00:44:48.380 --> 00:44:50.980 He gave me a very clear view of who he was 710 00:44:50.980 --> 00:44:52.220 and what he prioritized 711 00:44:52.220 --> 00:44:54.780 and what he needed and wanted in a partner. 712 00:44:54.780 --> 00:44:56.460 And I could work with that. 713 00:44:56.460 --> 00:44:57.420 Now, guess what? 714 00:44:57.420 --> 00:44:58.900 For you gentlemen that are scared 715 00:44:58.900 --> 00:45:00.660 and some of you ladies are scared. 716 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.640 to about what I'm talking about right now. 717 00:45:01.640 --> 00:45:04.400 He actually was very physically attracted to his wife. 718 00:45:06.160 --> 00:45:08.160 I know people are like, oh no, Jackie, 719 00:45:08.160 --> 00:45:10.280 I want the house to at least look good. 720 00:45:10.280 --> 00:45:11.880 I want some curb appeal. 721 00:45:11.880 --> 00:45:12.760 I got you. 722 00:45:14.240 --> 00:45:16.700 But please remember that you can put some sweat equity 723 00:45:16.700 --> 00:45:17.700 into that as well. 724 00:45:19.120 --> 00:45:19.960 Please. 725 00:45:22.280 --> 00:45:24.120 Because I'm just going to tell you as experience 726 00:45:24.120 --> 00:45:26.180 as a matchmaker, and I'm talking to a big group of people, 727 00:45:26.180 --> 00:45:27.880 so I'm not going to offend any one person 728 00:45:27.880 --> 00:45:29.640 because if this is hidden in your heart, 729 00:45:29.640 --> 00:45:31.520 then I'm calling you out without calling you out 730 00:45:31.520 --> 00:45:32.760 because I don't know you. 731 00:45:33.680 --> 00:45:37.100 But the people that have the longest list of preferences 732 00:45:37.100 --> 00:45:42.100 that are superficial and surface 733 00:45:42.100 --> 00:45:47.100 are also some of the most unfit, conventionally mid, 734 00:45:48.280 --> 00:45:49.820 ugly people I ever met. 735 00:45:52.160 --> 00:45:55.640 What are you talking about wanting this whole big list 736 00:45:55.640 --> 00:45:58.320 of preferences and another human being 737 00:45:58.360 --> 00:46:02.160 when you don't have one of these items on the list yourself? 738 00:46:02.160 --> 00:46:03.040 Am I wrong? 739 00:46:04.520 --> 00:46:05.360 Because I'm not. 740 00:46:06.280 --> 00:46:09.720 I've been doing this for a really, really long time. 741 00:46:09.720 --> 00:46:13.420 And I'm like, okay, come on. 742 00:46:15.320 --> 00:46:17.240 Out here like, I want someone fit. 743 00:46:17.240 --> 00:46:18.160 Are you fit? 744 00:46:19.560 --> 00:46:24.560 I want someone who's made the gym their entire personality. 745 00:46:25.400 --> 00:46:26.780 Do you go to the gym? 746 00:46:27.700 --> 00:46:28.540 And they're like, yes. 747 00:46:28.540 --> 00:46:30.420 And I'm like, well, it don't look like it. 748 00:46:30.420 --> 00:46:34.580 I'm sorry to hurt feelings, but I'm going to hurt you 749 00:46:35.780 --> 00:46:37.460 because they're going to hurt your feelings. 750 00:46:37.460 --> 00:46:38.580 Because if you really mean 751 00:46:38.580 --> 00:46:40.980 to actually making the gym their whole personality, 752 00:46:40.980 --> 00:46:43.020 they're not going to be attracted to you. 753 00:46:44.500 --> 00:46:47.420 Now, is it okay to have a lifestyle 754 00:46:47.420 --> 00:46:49.860 that you cannot live any differently 755 00:46:49.860 --> 00:46:51.740 than on your non-negotiable list? 756 00:46:51.740 --> 00:46:53.580 100%. 757 00:46:53.660 --> 00:46:57.940 If you are truly a health, wellness guy or girl, 758 00:46:57.940 --> 00:47:02.460 and you eat super clean and you do all the things 759 00:47:02.460 --> 00:47:03.900 and you're taking the GLPs, 760 00:47:03.900 --> 00:47:06.260 you're microdosing them for inflammation 761 00:47:06.260 --> 00:47:11.260 and you're on all the peptides and you don't go to the gym. 762 00:47:21.140 --> 00:47:22.940 Jackie, you're frozen. 763 00:47:23.580 --> 00:47:28.580 Okay, guys, just give it a minute. 764 00:47:36.460 --> 00:47:37.300 Can you hear me? 765 00:47:37.300 --> 00:47:38.480 That's the most important thing. 766 00:47:38.480 --> 00:47:39.940 Put in the chat if you can hear me. 767 00:47:39.940 --> 00:47:41.260 Okay, we're going to keep going. 768 00:47:41.260 --> 00:47:43.780 Frozen face, fine. 769 00:47:43.780 --> 00:47:45.660 Frozen audio, not fine. 770 00:47:45.660 --> 00:47:49.500 You guys, that is a non-negotiable 771 00:47:49.500 --> 00:47:52.940 because that is your lifestyle. 772 00:47:54.180 --> 00:47:55.700 Can you put on your non-negotiable 773 00:47:55.700 --> 00:47:57.260 that you want an active partner 774 00:47:57.260 --> 00:47:59.340 because you like to hike and you like to bike 775 00:47:59.340 --> 00:48:03.480 and your idea of a vacation is exercise? 776 00:48:03.480 --> 00:48:05.780 You better put that on your non-negotiable list 777 00:48:05.780 --> 00:48:07.780 because if you marry a couch potato, 778 00:48:07.780 --> 00:48:09.700 you're going to be super unhappy. 779 00:48:09.700 --> 00:48:11.740 If you marry someone whose idea of a vacation 780 00:48:11.740 --> 00:48:13.740 is going somewhere and sitting in a chair 781 00:48:13.740 --> 00:48:15.820 and watching television inside 782 00:48:15.820 --> 00:48:17.620 because the outdoors is something 783 00:48:17.620 --> 00:48:20.180 that they're not familiar with, then guess what? 784 00:48:20.180 --> 00:48:21.660 That's not a match made in heaven. 785 00:48:21.660 --> 00:48:23.060 That's a match made in hell. 786 00:48:23.700 --> 00:48:25.180 You're going to be fighting all the time. 787 00:48:25.180 --> 00:48:27.660 I don't care how much attracted you are to them, 788 00:48:27.660 --> 00:48:30.120 you are not going to be happy with them. 789 00:48:32.840 --> 00:48:34.940 Now, a vegan and a meat eater can get along 790 00:48:34.940 --> 00:48:38.180 as long as it's a preference and not a, 791 00:48:40.300 --> 00:48:42.020 like you believe it's wrong to kill animals. 792 00:48:42.020 --> 00:48:43.900 If you believe it's wrong to kill animals, 793 00:48:43.900 --> 00:48:47.220 you believe that we're not supposed to kill animals, 794 00:48:47.220 --> 00:48:49.220 then you definitely should not marry someone 795 00:48:49.220 --> 00:48:51.180 who is eating dead animals. 796 00:48:52.200 --> 00:48:53.040 Now, that's a hard one. 797 00:48:53.400 --> 00:48:55.280 I haven't met anyone like that before. 798 00:48:55.280 --> 00:48:57.940 Like I know people who are vegans 799 00:48:57.940 --> 00:49:00.720 because they believe that you shouldn't harm animals, 800 00:49:00.720 --> 00:49:02.800 no animal products at all in their life. 801 00:49:02.800 --> 00:49:04.160 Those people are very extreme 802 00:49:04.160 --> 00:49:06.520 and yes, they should marry very extreme people. 803 00:49:10.400 --> 00:49:12.040 But if you can live and let live, 804 00:49:13.400 --> 00:49:15.520 like you don't eat meat for health reasons, 805 00:49:15.520 --> 00:49:16.400 it's your preference, 806 00:49:16.400 --> 00:49:19.200 but you're okay with them eating meat, then that's cool. 807 00:49:20.320 --> 00:49:22.500 It's hard to find a man who doesn't want to eat some meat. 808 00:49:23.020 --> 00:49:24.180 I'll tell you that right now. 809 00:49:25.300 --> 00:49:29.700 They do exist, but like, look, Will. 810 00:49:29.700 --> 00:49:32.100 Will in the chat's like, all cows taste good. 811 00:49:37.140 --> 00:49:38.820 Yay, meat. 812 00:49:38.820 --> 00:49:40.100 Okay, all right. 813 00:49:45.060 --> 00:49:45.900 All right. 814 00:49:47.420 --> 00:49:50.060 So you guys, I want to shift you out of disgruntled dater 815 00:49:50.060 --> 00:49:52.260 because you're waiting to be chosen. 816 00:49:52.980 --> 00:49:54.340 And what happens if you get your non-negotiables 817 00:49:54.340 --> 00:49:55.180 really clear? 818 00:49:55.180 --> 00:49:56.000 Please hear me. 819 00:49:56.000 --> 00:49:59.220 If you get your non-negotiables really, really clear, 820 00:49:59.220 --> 00:50:00.220 then you're going to. 821 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.640 be able to find someone compatible to you a lot faster. 822 00:50:04.560 --> 00:50:06.160 Your advisory committee's gonna be able 823 00:50:06.160 --> 00:50:07.160 to help you a lot faster. 824 00:50:07.160 --> 00:50:08.360 Your advisory circle's gonna be able 825 00:50:08.360 --> 00:50:09.560 to help you a lot faster. 826 00:50:09.560 --> 00:50:12.840 You're going to be able to weed people out a lot faster 827 00:50:12.840 --> 00:50:14.960 with no apologies. 828 00:50:14.960 --> 00:50:18.320 You are allowed to weed people out in the first few dates 829 00:50:18.320 --> 00:50:21.160 if they have a non-negotiable on your list 830 00:50:21.160 --> 00:50:23.960 or they don't have a non-negotiable on your list, right? 831 00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:29.960 For instance, long distance, can't relocate. 832 00:50:30.240 --> 00:50:31.480 And why is it you're non-negotiable? 833 00:50:31.480 --> 00:50:33.160 Because you have a shared parenting agreement 834 00:50:33.160 --> 00:50:35.520 for the next 12 years because you're divorced 835 00:50:35.520 --> 00:50:37.840 and you're raising children with your ex-spouse. 836 00:50:38.680 --> 00:50:40.640 If they cannot relocate, they're long distance 837 00:50:40.640 --> 00:50:43.720 and they cannot relocate to you and you find that out, 838 00:50:43.720 --> 00:50:45.320 like say they have a shared parenting agreement, 839 00:50:45.320 --> 00:50:46.360 they can't relocate. 840 00:50:47.480 --> 00:50:48.880 Say that they have a job or they're taking care 841 00:50:48.880 --> 00:50:51.160 of an elderly family member, they can't relocate. 842 00:50:51.160 --> 00:50:53.440 In the first two dates when you find that out, 843 00:50:53.480 --> 00:50:56.200 it's like, hey, it was great to meet you. 844 00:50:56.200 --> 00:50:59.240 Let me see who's on my list of friends 845 00:50:59.240 --> 00:51:02.760 that I met in this book club that lives in your area 846 00:51:02.760 --> 00:51:04.740 because you can't relocate. 847 00:51:04.740 --> 00:51:07.240 Let me introduce you to someone that lives by you. 848 00:51:08.200 --> 00:51:10.640 Easy peasy, friends, you're allowed to weed people out 849 00:51:10.640 --> 00:51:13.120 very quickly if they have a deal breaker. 850 00:51:13.120 --> 00:51:14.360 Make sense to everyone? 851 00:51:16.080 --> 00:51:17.600 Please tell me. 852 00:51:17.600 --> 00:51:20.240 Put in the chat if this is making sense. 853 00:51:20.240 --> 00:51:22.840 I want you guys to put up something 854 00:51:23.240 --> 00:51:25.040 that was on your non-negotiable list 855 00:51:26.200 --> 00:51:29.440 but someone in your breakout room said, eh, 856 00:51:29.440 --> 00:51:31.480 I don't think that's a non-negotiable. 857 00:51:31.480 --> 00:51:32.720 Let's see it in the chat. 858 00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:42.400 You guys, if you get a hold of what I'm talking about 859 00:51:42.400 --> 00:51:44.600 right now, you will be able to date 860 00:51:44.600 --> 00:51:46.920 so much more efficiently, you will become 861 00:51:46.920 --> 00:51:48.920 your own matchmaker and you're gonna meet someone 862 00:51:48.920 --> 00:51:51.840 so much faster, you really are. 863 00:51:51.880 --> 00:51:54.280 This is why I'm successful the way I am 864 00:51:54.280 --> 00:51:56.120 as a dating coach and matchmaker 865 00:51:56.120 --> 00:51:57.820 because I cut right to the chase, 866 00:51:57.820 --> 00:52:00.800 I don't sugarcoat anything and I have people 867 00:52:00.800 --> 00:52:04.960 weed this down and weed people out very quickly. 868 00:52:06.360 --> 00:52:07.580 But if you have a scarcity mindset, 869 00:52:07.580 --> 00:52:08.660 you're not gonna weed people out, 870 00:52:08.660 --> 00:52:10.100 you're gonna be scared to weed people out, 871 00:52:10.100 --> 00:52:12.040 you're gonna keep them on your list, 872 00:52:12.040 --> 00:52:13.020 you're gonna keep meeting them 873 00:52:13.020 --> 00:52:14.880 even though they have a deal breaker. 874 00:52:16.520 --> 00:52:17.360 Okay. 875 00:52:18.360 --> 00:52:23.360 Kat, compassion is not a non-negotiable 876 00:52:24.640 --> 00:52:27.840 but it's hard to see, right? 877 00:52:27.840 --> 00:52:29.120 It's gonna be hard to see if they're 878 00:52:29.120 --> 00:52:31.520 truly compassionate right away. 879 00:52:31.520 --> 00:52:33.320 That's something you're not gonna be able to see 880 00:52:33.320 --> 00:52:36.540 until you're in deeper relationship with them. 881 00:52:36.540 --> 00:52:38.560 Kerry said, he must make me feel safe. 882 00:52:38.560 --> 00:52:41.500 Once again, Kerry, we gotta make sure 883 00:52:41.500 --> 00:52:43.960 that your nervous system is regulated 884 00:52:43.960 --> 00:52:46.840 because you need to be safe in your own body 885 00:52:46.920 --> 00:52:49.040 without someone else making you feel safe. 886 00:52:49.040 --> 00:52:51.120 And sometimes you feel unsafe with people 887 00:52:51.120 --> 00:52:53.200 and it's just a you thing, it's not a them thing. 888 00:52:53.200 --> 00:52:56.620 So once again, it's really hard to gauge that 889 00:52:56.620 --> 00:52:57.920 as a non-negotiable. 890 00:52:57.920 --> 00:53:01.280 You definitely want to feel safe 891 00:53:01.280 --> 00:53:02.760 but that's not something that you're going 892 00:53:02.760 --> 00:53:04.760 to be able to diagnose right away. 893 00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:07.760 Anne didn't get to share her list. 894 00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:09.960 No one in their group disagreed. 895 00:53:09.960 --> 00:53:12.200 Our group agreed on everything. 896 00:53:12.200 --> 00:53:13.020 Blah, blah, blah. 897 00:53:13.020 --> 00:53:15.000 Having young children. 898 00:53:15.000 --> 00:53:15.840 Okay. 899 00:53:15.840 --> 00:53:18.760 Heather had a deal breaker of she doesn't want 900 00:53:18.760 --> 00:53:21.540 to raise anyone's young children still. 901 00:53:23.120 --> 00:53:25.640 Heather, unmute yourself wherever you are. 902 00:53:25.640 --> 00:53:26.480 How old are you? 903 00:53:26.480 --> 00:53:28.560 And do you have children of your own? 904 00:53:28.560 --> 00:53:31.560 I'm 53 and no, I do not have children of my own. 905 00:53:33.400 --> 00:53:35.520 53 and you've never had children of your own. 906 00:53:35.520 --> 00:53:37.120 Is that what you just said? 907 00:53:37.120 --> 00:53:38.760 Correct. 908 00:53:38.760 --> 00:53:39.600 Okay. 909 00:53:39.600 --> 00:53:42.360 So I don't want you, okay? 910 00:53:43.040 --> 00:53:46.960 I'm going to be gentle with you here, all right? 911 00:53:48.920 --> 00:53:53.360 A lot of people in your age bracket have children 912 00:53:54.480 --> 00:53:56.080 and some of those people are going to, 913 00:53:56.080 --> 00:53:57.280 you know, when you say young children, 914 00:53:57.280 --> 00:53:58.120 what do you mean? 915 00:53:58.120 --> 00:53:59.000 Under eight? 916 00:53:59.000 --> 00:53:59.920 Under five? 917 00:54:02.640 --> 00:54:04.720 What's a young child to you? 918 00:54:04.720 --> 00:54:08.280 I mean, honestly, like teenagers and under. 919 00:54:08.280 --> 00:54:10.680 Not adult children but 920 00:54:12.480 --> 00:54:14.600 So you're saying a deal breaker for me 921 00:54:14.600 --> 00:54:17.280 is anyone having minor children still in the house 922 00:54:17.280 --> 00:54:20.040 that we're still having to really help and raise? 923 00:54:20.040 --> 00:54:20.880 Yes. 924 00:54:22.160 --> 00:54:23.000 Okay. 925 00:54:23.000 --> 00:54:27.000 And is, when you say that's a deal breaker, 926 00:54:27.000 --> 00:54:29.840 you realize that you are weeding out 927 00:54:29.840 --> 00:54:32.360 so many men in your age bracket. 928 00:54:33.880 --> 00:54:35.400 And so what I want to ask you is 929 00:54:35.400 --> 00:54:38.360 what's the fear behind that deal breaker? 930 00:54:38.360 --> 00:54:40.720 Is it a situation where you don't feel like 931 00:54:40.720 --> 00:54:42.840 you have paid children? 932 00:54:42.840 --> 00:54:45.000 Is it because you don't want to deal with baby mama drama? 933 00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:47.040 Like what is behind this deal breaker? 934 00:54:52.760 --> 00:54:54.920 I mean, I grew up in that situation 935 00:54:54.920 --> 00:54:57.160 and it was not a good thing. 936 00:54:57.160 --> 00:55:00.120 I had a very ugly, traumatic situation like that. 937 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.400 That's so probably childhood fear. 938 00:55:02.400 --> 00:55:05.520 And just the things that I wanna do 939 00:55:05.520 --> 00:55:08.440 are adventurous, big, the health. 940 00:55:08.440 --> 00:55:12.580 So it's, I don't know, it's part some history. 941 00:55:12.580 --> 00:55:15.180 I was married to someone older than me 942 00:55:15.180 --> 00:55:19.320 that had older children and been a widow. 943 00:55:19.320 --> 00:55:20.240 So I don't know. 944 00:55:20.240 --> 00:55:22.720 I just think it doesn't feel like the life 945 00:55:22.720 --> 00:55:25.200 that I want to have currently. 946 00:55:26.200 --> 00:55:29.520 Okay, so you heard a lot of different reasons 947 00:55:29.520 --> 00:55:30.880 behind this, right? 948 00:55:30.880 --> 00:55:33.060 And so it's very clearly a preference. 949 00:55:33.060 --> 00:55:36.360 I just wanna tell you that just right away, Heather. 950 00:55:36.360 --> 00:55:37.700 But it's a strong preference 951 00:55:37.700 --> 00:55:41.360 and it's based on some trauma that Heather has had. 952 00:55:41.360 --> 00:55:44.080 And you guys, so many of you have these. 953 00:55:44.080 --> 00:55:45.640 Either on your non-negotiable list 954 00:55:45.640 --> 00:55:48.600 or they're a strong preference on your preference list. 955 00:55:48.600 --> 00:55:51.180 And it's based on something that you've been through, 956 00:55:51.180 --> 00:55:52.660 something that you've experienced. 957 00:55:52.660 --> 00:55:55.120 And also based on you forecasting 958 00:55:56.000 --> 00:55:59.640 what it would look like to be married to someone 959 00:55:59.640 --> 00:56:04.520 that Heather said, and she's being very honest. 960 00:56:04.520 --> 00:56:05.600 And Heather, thank you very much 961 00:56:05.600 --> 00:56:08.760 for being willing to talk about this. 962 00:56:08.760 --> 00:56:12.120 Because I see this on a lot of older women's 963 00:56:12.120 --> 00:56:15.600 that never had children on their non-negotiable list. 964 00:56:15.600 --> 00:56:18.680 And some men, but mostly women have this, believe it or not. 965 00:56:18.680 --> 00:56:21.000 And it's because they've been married, 966 00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:23.560 they've been waiting to be married for a long time. 967 00:56:23.560 --> 00:56:26.000 And when they get married, 968 00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:28.480 they know that they're told to have biological children. 969 00:56:28.480 --> 00:56:29.960 So that ship has sailed. 970 00:56:29.960 --> 00:56:32.040 They want to have fun with their spouse. 971 00:56:32.040 --> 00:56:33.760 They wanna travel with them. 972 00:56:33.760 --> 00:56:35.900 It's a few years away from retirement. 973 00:56:35.900 --> 00:56:37.860 They're thinking about this love story 974 00:56:37.860 --> 00:56:40.880 that they wanna have with their best friend 975 00:56:40.880 --> 00:56:44.840 and just explore and all things. 976 00:56:44.840 --> 00:56:47.240 And I didn't let you know that that's not wrong. 977 00:56:47.680 --> 00:56:49.800 I don't want that. 978 00:56:49.800 --> 00:56:53.600 I really want to encourage you to be open 979 00:56:53.600 --> 00:56:56.920 to men that may have minor children 980 00:56:56.920 --> 00:56:59.000 that they're still sharing parenting with. 981 00:57:02.080 --> 00:57:05.400 I don't want you to make an amazing love story 982 00:57:05.400 --> 00:57:08.400 and you will still get to do the things 983 00:57:08.400 --> 00:57:09.960 that you're talking about. 984 00:57:09.960 --> 00:57:11.280 You just don't know that yet 985 00:57:11.280 --> 00:57:12.920 because you haven't lived it yet. 986 00:57:13.800 --> 00:57:14.640 Okay. 987 00:57:14.640 --> 00:57:16.960 And for all of you that are afraid of 988 00:57:17.680 --> 00:57:18.520 maybe it's on your non-negotiable list, 989 00:57:18.520 --> 00:57:20.840 I don't wanna marry someone who's divorced. 990 00:57:20.840 --> 00:57:22.640 I don't wanna marry someone who has any kids 991 00:57:22.640 --> 00:57:24.040 from a previous marriage. 992 00:57:24.040 --> 00:57:25.800 I don't want shared parenting. 993 00:57:25.800 --> 00:57:29.360 I know someone who's been a client of mine for years. 994 00:57:29.360 --> 00:57:33.520 And the reason why she is still single, in my opinion, 995 00:57:33.520 --> 00:57:37.040 is because she has been very, very, very resistant 996 00:57:38.320 --> 00:57:42.020 to relocation and divorced men with children. 997 00:57:44.160 --> 00:57:45.000 Okay. 998 00:57:45.000 --> 00:57:47.400 She's been very resistant to her relocating 999 00:57:49.160 --> 00:57:51.160 even though she doesn't have any reason 1000 00:57:51.160 --> 00:57:52.800 for that to be a non-negotiable. 1001 00:57:53.880 --> 00:57:55.560 I wanna just tell all of you right now, 1002 00:57:55.560 --> 00:57:57.800 if you do not have a responsibility 1003 00:57:57.800 --> 00:58:00.080 where meaning you're taking care 1004 00:58:00.080 --> 00:58:01.960 of an elderly family member, 1005 00:58:03.000 --> 00:58:04.840 you have a shared parenting agreement 1006 00:58:04.840 --> 00:58:05.960 that cannot be broken 1007 00:58:05.960 --> 00:58:06.960 because you're not gonna move away 1008 00:58:06.960 --> 00:58:08.960 and leave your children behind, that's ridiculous. 1009 00:58:08.960 --> 00:58:10.920 And people have tried to do that before 1010 00:58:10.920 --> 00:58:12.520 and wanted me to sign off on it. 1011 00:58:12.520 --> 00:58:13.520 Jackie, I'm in love. 1012 00:58:13.520 --> 00:58:15.320 And you know, I'll come back and visit my children. 1013 00:58:15.320 --> 00:58:17.000 You know, I'll have them in the summers. 1014 00:58:17.000 --> 00:58:17.840 What? 1015 00:58:19.360 --> 00:58:20.840 That's not a God love story. 1016 00:58:20.840 --> 00:58:22.360 A God love story would never have you 1017 00:58:22.360 --> 00:58:23.320 abandoning your children. 1018 00:58:23.320 --> 00:58:24.720 I just wanna let you know that. 1019 00:58:24.720 --> 00:58:26.560 I don't care if you're even the father. 1020 00:58:26.560 --> 00:58:27.840 They're like, well, I'm just the father. 1021 00:58:27.840 --> 00:58:29.440 You know, I only have them every other weekend. 1022 00:58:29.440 --> 00:58:30.360 I don't care. 1023 00:58:31.360 --> 00:58:34.560 Being a Mexican is what your children need 1024 00:58:34.560 --> 00:58:35.840 until they're adults. 1025 00:58:35.840 --> 00:58:39.200 And you made that commitment when you fathered them 1026 00:58:39.200 --> 00:58:41.040 and ladies, when you mothered them, 1027 00:58:41.040 --> 00:58:43.120 moving away for your own selfish reasons 1028 00:58:43.520 --> 00:58:45.160 and being in love and having a love story 1029 00:58:45.160 --> 00:58:46.800 is not a God love story. 1030 00:58:46.800 --> 00:58:48.480 I'm just gonna weigh in on that right now. 1031 00:58:48.480 --> 00:58:51.760 But if you do not have a non-negotiable 1032 00:58:51.760 --> 00:58:54.400 that is like that, okay? 1033 00:58:54.400 --> 00:58:56.520 And also I'll put in that non-negotiable 1034 00:58:56.520 --> 00:58:59.360 if you really feel before God 1035 00:58:59.360 --> 00:59:01.520 that he told you to move where you are 1036 00:59:01.520 --> 00:59:02.880 and you have an assignment there, 1037 00:59:02.880 --> 00:59:04.400 you maybe have an ministry there, 1038 00:59:04.400 --> 00:59:06.720 maybe you're a missionary to that area, whatever, 1039 00:59:06.720 --> 00:59:08.600 and you're not released from that assignment 1040 00:59:08.600 --> 00:59:10.800 and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt, 1041 00:59:10.800 --> 00:59:11.800 not just in yourself, 1042 00:59:11.800 --> 00:59:13.680 but it's been confirmed through others 1043 00:59:13.680 --> 00:59:15.760 that you're right where you need to be. 1044 00:59:15.760 --> 00:59:18.120 Everybody else can relocate. 1045 00:59:18.120 --> 00:59:18.960 Will it be easy? 1046 00:59:18.960 --> 00:59:19.800 No. 1047 00:59:21.920 --> 00:59:23.440 Might you have to transfer your job? 1048 00:59:23.440 --> 00:59:24.400 Yes. 1049 00:59:25.520 --> 00:59:27.360 Is your job gonna keep you warm at night? 1050 00:59:27.360 --> 00:59:29.040 Is your job gonna be there? 1051 00:59:29.040 --> 00:59:31.080 For your job could end tomorrow. 1052 00:59:31.080 --> 00:59:32.680 Let's be honest about it. 1053 00:59:33.840 --> 00:59:35.840 Nobody has job security anymore. 1054 00:59:35.840 --> 00:59:37.320 No one. 1055 00:59:37.320 --> 00:59:39.800 Please do not frame your entire life 1056 00:59:39.840 --> 00:59:42.280 around a paycheck or a job. 1057 00:59:42.280 --> 00:59:46.160 I don't care how many years you put in, okay? 1058 00:59:46.160 --> 00:59:47.800 If you're one year from retirement, 1059 00:59:47.800 --> 00:59:49.880 then yeah, maybe the person you meet can move to you 1060 00:59:49.880 --> 00:59:51.880 and then you get to retire with your pension 1061 00:59:51.880 --> 00:59:53.840 and then you move to where they are. 1062 00:59:53.840 --> 00:59:55.920 You guys, I've seen people come up 1063 00:59:55.920 --> 00:59:58.200 with all kinds of really interesting arrangements, 1064 00:59:58.200 --> 01:00:00.200 but please be open to relocation. 1065 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.640 And because so many people have sabotaged love story, 1066 01:00:04.240 --> 01:00:07.400 you're not willing to just leave where they're comfortable. 1067 01:00:07.880 --> 01:00:11.360 When you get down to the truth, when I coach you and I get down to the truth 1068 01:00:11.720 --> 01:00:15.720 behind everything, beneath everything, you just don't want to be inconvenienced. 1069 01:00:15.920 --> 01:00:19.280 You just don't want to move somewhere new because you're used to it here and you 1070 01:00:19.280 --> 01:00:23.960 have your routine and you have your community or this or that or whatever, 1071 01:00:24.000 --> 01:00:27.120 not good reasons. Maybe God wants to stretch you. 1072 01:00:27.480 --> 01:00:31.880 He wants to send you someplace new for a new adventure and a new lease on life. 1073 01:00:32.120 --> 01:00:33.360 Stop getting in your own way. 1074 01:00:33.960 --> 01:00:36.920 And the other thing that's going to is if you have some hard, 1075 01:00:36.920 --> 01:00:40.320 fast rule about people in general, 1076 01:00:41.520 --> 01:00:44.280 I don't want to be with someone who's ever been in a longterm relationship, 1077 01:00:44.280 --> 01:00:46.720 been engaged, been married. Now they're divorced. 1078 01:00:46.720 --> 01:00:48.520 I don't want to be with anyone who's had kids. 1079 01:00:48.520 --> 01:00:50.960 I don't want to be with anyone who's this skin color. I don't want to be, 1080 01:00:51.080 --> 01:00:54.760 stop it. Those are not non-negotiables. 1081 01:00:55.640 --> 01:00:56.480 They're not. 1082 01:00:57.000 --> 01:01:00.120 They are preferences and they may be strong preferences, 1083 01:01:00.120 --> 01:01:01.680 but they are preferences. 1084 01:01:01.960 --> 01:01:06.360 And if you build your dating resume or your, um, 1085 01:01:06.600 --> 01:01:09.800 you're the thing that you're going to give your advisory circle based on 1086 01:01:09.800 --> 01:01:14.000 preferences, then you are going to be single longer than you need to be. 1087 01:01:14.240 --> 01:01:17.640 And please don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not asking you to settle. 1088 01:01:17.960 --> 01:01:19.160 You already are settling. 1089 01:01:20.120 --> 01:01:23.280 You're settling for your own ideas of what this is going to look like. 1090 01:01:23.280 --> 01:01:24.600 And you're robbing yourself. 1091 01:01:28.640 --> 01:01:30.760 I don't have to tell you to settle. You're already settling. 1092 01:01:31.240 --> 01:01:33.280 And I know I'm getting a little harsh with you guys right now, 1093 01:01:33.280 --> 01:01:36.880 because I have had some crazy comments in this book club. 1094 01:01:37.200 --> 01:01:40.880 And I just want to let you guys know, you are in your own way. 1095 01:01:42.480 --> 01:01:46.320 That pickiness that you have is a heart wound and we need to get it healed so 1096 01:01:46.320 --> 01:01:50.600 that you can move forward. Cause I really want you to be able to get unstuck. 1097 01:01:50.920 --> 01:01:51.760 All right. 1098 01:01:52.040 --> 01:01:56.840 You guys non-negotiable should be built on these five foundational things, 1099 01:01:56.880 --> 01:02:01.000 character, capacity, compatibility, conviction, 1100 01:02:01.000 --> 01:02:05.120 where they stand in their faith, their values, where you guys align community. 1101 01:02:05.400 --> 01:02:06.760 Why is community part of this? 1102 01:02:06.760 --> 01:02:11.600 Because the quality of people's relationships is the truest mirror of who they 1103 01:02:11.600 --> 01:02:12.440 are. 1104 01:02:13.400 --> 01:02:18.440 Every one of you should have something that talks about 1105 01:02:19.120 --> 01:02:22.280 wanting to be with someone who knows how to do repair, 1106 01:02:22.720 --> 01:02:25.840 who knows how to forgive and be forgiven, 1107 01:02:25.840 --> 01:02:27.960 who knows how to repair relationship. 1108 01:02:28.840 --> 01:02:33.640 All of you should want to be with someone who has long-term relationships in 1109 01:02:33.640 --> 01:02:35.480 their life. Because you know what that tells you? 1110 01:02:35.720 --> 01:02:39.440 That tells you that there have been plenty of instances when this person could 1111 01:02:39.440 --> 01:02:41.680 have cut and run. It would have been easier. 1112 01:02:41.800 --> 01:02:45.240 Just avoid the hard bits that are part of every relationship. 1113 01:02:45.240 --> 01:02:47.600 And I'm talking about friendships and family and all those types of 1114 01:02:47.600 --> 01:02:52.240 relationships, but instead they stuck around, they dug in, 1115 01:02:52.400 --> 01:02:55.160 they did the repair, they did their forgiving. 1116 01:02:56.880 --> 01:03:00.600 Right. That is good. You want that. Okay. All right. 1117 01:03:01.440 --> 01:03:05.680 I want to help you guys build your advisory circle. Right. 1118 01:03:05.960 --> 01:03:10.560 So we're going to have another breakout and this 1119 01:03:10.560 --> 01:03:15.200 time the breakout is going to be based on what we just 1120 01:03:15.200 --> 01:03:16.040 talked about. 1121 01:03:17.320 --> 01:03:21.680 And I want you to go into your group and I want you to admit to them whether or 1122 01:03:21.680 --> 01:03:23.640 not you've been a Jenny or a James, 1123 01:03:23.640 --> 01:03:26.880 whether you've been a disgruntled dater or you've been 1124 01:03:28.720 --> 01:03:33.360 a matchmaker in your own life. This is tight and it's right. 1125 01:03:33.840 --> 01:03:35.920 It has a few things on it. 1126 01:03:36.160 --> 01:03:39.880 You're super open to whatever God brings you. 1127 01:03:41.320 --> 01:03:44.320 Kim K is part of my last year single group. She's in here. 1128 01:03:44.400 --> 01:03:46.720 And I already said it's Kim K. It's not Kim Kardashian. 1129 01:03:46.720 --> 01:03:48.360 It's the other Kim K. All right. 1130 01:03:48.920 --> 01:03:52.760 She had a very picky 1131 01:03:53.760 --> 01:03:58.040 dating profile when I first met her. And rightly so. 1132 01:03:58.080 --> 01:04:00.960 She's gorge. Okay. She's got it going on, 1133 01:04:01.920 --> 01:04:06.720 but it was getting in her way and it was actually attracting men 1134 01:04:06.760 --> 01:04:11.080 that were not marriage ready. Her list was not only keeping her stuck. 1135 01:04:11.080 --> 01:04:15.400 It was actually getting her into relationship with men that look pretty on the 1136 01:04:15.400 --> 01:04:20.120 outside and didn't have nothing going on on the inside. Kim, where are you? 1137 01:04:25.240 --> 01:04:30.080 Yes. True. 100,000% true. 1138 01:04:31.960 --> 01:04:35.400 Yes. And I've been through some near misses with him. 1139 01:04:35.440 --> 01:04:39.200 I've helped be a matchmaker and a match breaker for her. Okay. 1140 01:04:39.760 --> 01:04:44.160 So she has a very short list now. 1141 01:04:44.160 --> 01:04:47.280 So Kim, will you please tell them what's on your non-negotiable list now? 1142 01:04:47.960 --> 01:04:51.120 Must share same faith. Doesn't matter. Denomination. 1143 01:04:52.560 --> 01:04:55.920 No sex before marriage and no smoking. 1144 01:04:59.480 --> 01:05:00.320 Those are her. 1145 01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.360 Number three, non-negotiables, y'all. 1146 01:05:03.360 --> 01:05:11.020 That means that she's not going to entertain anyone if they have one of these deal breakers. 1147 01:05:11.020 --> 01:05:12.880 That's why it's a deal breaker. 1148 01:05:12.880 --> 01:05:19.960 Now Kim, share us some things that you would love to have from your preference list. 1149 01:05:19.960 --> 01:05:29.480 I would love to have a guy over six feet tall. 1150 01:05:29.480 --> 01:05:39.800 Six feet tall, active, works out, I do. 1151 01:05:39.800 --> 01:05:42.080 I work out a lot. 1152 01:05:42.080 --> 01:05:43.560 I'm very active. 1153 01:05:43.560 --> 01:05:47.280 I love being on the go. 1154 01:05:47.280 --> 01:05:51.400 It just be spontaneous with me. 1155 01:05:51.400 --> 01:05:55.760 Yeah, you guys, God can work with this. 1156 01:05:55.760 --> 01:05:58.200 God's the best matchmaker, just so you know. 1157 01:05:58.200 --> 01:06:00.880 Yeah, he works for humans, so he works for me. 1158 01:06:00.880 --> 01:06:02.240 I'm not the matchmaker. 1159 01:06:02.240 --> 01:06:07.800 I'm the matchmaker apprentice or assistant of God. 1160 01:06:07.800 --> 01:06:12.040 So are other people that God would use in your life to introduce you to someone. 1161 01:06:12.040 --> 01:06:16.780 They're being utilized and it's a beautiful thing, but when you have a short non-negotiable 1162 01:06:16.780 --> 01:06:21.280 list like this, she could add two more things to this, but when she has a short non-negotiable 1163 01:06:21.280 --> 01:06:26.520 list like this, that what she's saying to God is, I trust you. 1164 01:06:26.520 --> 01:06:29.400 Surprise me. 1165 01:06:29.400 --> 01:06:32.440 You know, surprise me. 1166 01:06:32.440 --> 01:06:38.640 They're going to share my faith and she means the depth of her faith as well. 1167 01:06:38.640 --> 01:06:39.640 She loves Jesus. 1168 01:06:39.640 --> 01:06:40.640 Okay. 1169 01:06:40.640 --> 01:06:42.760 They're going to share her faith, not just that they're a Christian. 1170 01:06:42.760 --> 01:06:45.560 They're going to share the depth of faith with her. 1171 01:06:45.560 --> 01:06:50.000 They're going to be committed to abstinence until marriage. 1172 01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:53.200 They're not going to be a smoker and all that that entails. 1173 01:06:53.200 --> 01:06:55.600 And once again, she could add a few more things to this. 1174 01:06:55.600 --> 01:07:06.640 She could, you could add two more like real deal breaking things to this. 1175 01:07:06.640 --> 01:07:09.840 Like one of the things that I could think of for you, Kim, that, you know, they have 1176 01:07:09.840 --> 01:07:13.120 to open to a woman that has kids. 1177 01:07:13.120 --> 01:07:21.040 You have to be willing to show up as a, you know, a positive force in your children's 1178 01:07:21.040 --> 01:07:22.040 life. 1179 01:07:22.040 --> 01:07:23.100 Like they have to be interested in that. 1180 01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:27.340 There are people out there that, you know, they're going to marry you, but they're not 1181 01:07:27.340 --> 01:07:29.220 going to marry your kids. 1182 01:07:29.220 --> 01:07:33.900 Even if your kids are older teenagers, even if your kids are young adults, they just want 1183 01:07:33.900 --> 01:07:34.900 you. 1184 01:07:34.900 --> 01:07:36.460 They don't want them. 1185 01:07:36.460 --> 01:07:38.340 To me, that's a deal breaker as a blended mom. 1186 01:07:38.340 --> 01:07:39.340 That's a deal breaker. 1187 01:07:39.340 --> 01:07:40.340 Yeah. 1188 01:07:40.340 --> 01:07:41.340 That's so true. 1189 01:07:41.340 --> 01:07:42.340 Yeah. 1190 01:07:42.340 --> 01:07:47.700 So you could add that, but you guys, she's like, surprise me. 1191 01:07:47.700 --> 01:07:51.300 You know, I trust you, God, you know what I need and you know how to get it to me. 1192 01:07:51.300 --> 01:07:52.300 Okay. 1193 01:07:52.500 --> 01:07:53.500 All right. 1194 01:07:53.500 --> 01:07:56.340 So we're going to put you in there and you're going to, you're going to be honest with each 1195 01:07:56.340 --> 01:08:02.620 other about whether or not you've been a disgruntled dater in the past, just waiting to be chosen. 1196 01:08:02.620 --> 01:08:04.340 Okay. 1197 01:08:04.340 --> 01:08:10.360 And how you're now pick the top three deal breakers on your list. 1198 01:08:10.360 --> 01:08:14.900 Now you're not going to be afraid to weed people out according to those three things 1199 01:08:14.900 --> 01:08:20.100 immediately, immediately weed them out in the first couple of days. 1200 01:08:20.100 --> 01:08:25.180 Even if the chemistry is, you know, even if you're super physically attracted to them 1201 01:08:25.180 --> 01:08:29.500 or emotionally attracted to them, mentally attracted to them, but they have one of these 1202 01:08:29.500 --> 01:08:31.819 three things that you're about to share. 1203 01:08:31.819 --> 01:08:33.859 It's a no go. 1204 01:08:33.859 --> 01:08:34.859 It's a no go. 1205 01:08:34.859 --> 01:08:35.859 All right. 1206 01:08:35.859 --> 01:08:41.420 You guys understand the assignment? 1207 01:08:41.420 --> 01:08:45.020 I'm going to make it even smaller rooms so you guys can really get into it with each 1208 01:08:45.020 --> 01:08:46.020 other. 1209 01:08:46.020 --> 01:08:47.020 All right. 1210 01:08:47.020 --> 01:08:49.020 See you in a minute. 1211 01:08:50.100 --> 01:08:51.100 Okay. 1212 01:08:51.100 --> 01:08:52.100 All right. 1213 01:08:52.100 --> 01:08:53.100 See you in a minute. 1214 01:08:53.100 --> 01:08:54.100 Okay. 1215 01:08:54.100 --> 01:08:55.100 All right. 1216 01:08:55.100 --> 01:08:55.100 1217 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:11.000 Jackie. 1218 01:10:11.000 --> 01:10:14.000 Jackie. 1219 01:10:14.000 --> 01:10:15.000 Hi. 1220 01:10:15.000 --> 01:10:17.000 Hello again, guys. 1221 01:10:17.000 --> 01:10:25.000 Wait one sec. Wait one sec. 1222 01:10:25.000 --> 01:10:27.000 Hey, everyone. 1223 01:10:27.000 --> 01:10:31.000 I hope you're finding out some really great stuff about yourself and about each other. 1224 01:10:31.000 --> 01:10:36.000 Some people are going to, they're going to die on those hills. 1225 01:10:36.000 --> 01:10:39.000 And literally they're going to die on those hills. 1226 01:10:39.000 --> 01:10:40.000 Okay. 1227 01:10:40.000 --> 01:10:47.000 I know that it's easy, especially if you're running that passive faith script to say, well, if God wants it for me, then he's going to give me exactly what's in my heart. 1228 01:10:47.000 --> 01:10:49.000 He's going to give me exactly what I want. 1229 01:10:49.000 --> 01:10:51.000 No, friends. 1230 01:10:51.000 --> 01:10:54.000 What's exactly going to happen is you're going to stay single. 1231 01:10:54.000 --> 01:10:58.000 And I love you, but you're going to blame God for it. 1232 01:10:58.000 --> 01:10:59.000 Okay. 1233 01:10:59.000 --> 01:11:01.000 You're going to think he's holding out on you. 1234 01:11:01.000 --> 01:11:03.000 He's not sending you what you want. 1235 01:11:03.000 --> 01:11:09.000 He's not sending you what you've pictured as your love story. 1236 01:11:09.000 --> 01:11:15.000 So you're going to disregard everyone who's not what you've pictured because that can't possibly be the one. 1237 01:11:15.000 --> 01:11:20.000 Can't possibly be a compatible partner for me. 1238 01:11:20.000 --> 01:11:28.000 I can't possibly be part of a divine appointment because remember God doesn't have a one for you, but there's lots of divine appointments in life. 1239 01:11:28.000 --> 01:11:34.000 And a lot of times we miss out on those divine appointments because we are looking for a different type of appointment. 1240 01:11:34.000 --> 01:11:35.000 Am I wrong? 1241 01:11:35.000 --> 01:11:36.000 It happens in jobs. 1242 01:11:36.000 --> 01:11:37.000 It happens in friendships. 1243 01:11:37.000 --> 01:11:38.000 It happens in communities. 1244 01:11:38.000 --> 01:11:39.000 It happens in opportunities. 1245 01:11:39.000 --> 01:11:41.000 And it also happens in love. 1246 01:11:42.000 --> 01:11:57.000 So for those of you that believe that there's only one person for you and eventually someday your paths are going to cross, maybe in the nursing home and the old folks home, when you're on oxygen and you'll be able to say your vows right before you croak, then I can't help you. 1247 01:11:57.000 --> 01:11:59.000 There's not much I can do about that. 1248 01:11:59.000 --> 01:12:00.000 Okay. 1249 01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:03.000 You're going to have to go ahead and live out that delulu. 1250 01:12:03.000 --> 01:12:11.000 But some of you even now have put in the chat things that are not non-negotiables, but they're like, it's my non-negotiable. 1251 01:12:11.000 --> 01:12:12.000 I don't want it. 1252 01:12:12.000 --> 01:12:13.000 I don't want it, Jackie. 1253 01:12:13.000 --> 01:12:14.000 I'm not having it. 1254 01:12:14.000 --> 01:12:16.000 And here's what I want to say about that. 1255 01:12:16.000 --> 01:12:18.000 Because that's attached to a heart wound. 1256 01:12:18.000 --> 01:12:23.000 There's several of you that put something in the chat during our last convo before you went to breakouts. 1257 01:12:23.000 --> 01:12:27.000 That is absolutely not a God-given non-negotiable. 1258 01:12:27.000 --> 01:12:31.000 It is a wall that you have built because of fear. 1259 01:12:31.000 --> 01:12:34.000 Can you meet someone that's willing to climb over that wall? 1260 01:12:34.000 --> 01:12:35.000 Yes. 1261 01:12:35.000 --> 01:12:41.000 But I want to remind you that the book of Proverbs says the only people that climb walls are thieves. 1262 01:12:41.000 --> 01:12:45.000 It says, if you build a wall, you will attract a thief. 1263 01:12:45.000 --> 01:12:46.000 That is scripture. 1264 01:12:46.000 --> 01:12:50.000 If you build a wall, you will attract a thief. 1265 01:12:50.000 --> 01:12:51.000 Right. 1266 01:12:51.000 --> 01:12:59.000 And so please be careful with the people that actually scale that wall because the chances of them being healthy people are not good. 1267 01:12:59.000 --> 01:13:07.000 And the reason why I say that is because you're not healthy and therefore you're not going to attract healthy. 1268 01:13:07.000 --> 01:13:09.000 Please see that I didn't say perfect. 1269 01:13:09.000 --> 01:13:11.000 No one's perfect and you're not meant to be perfect. 1270 01:13:11.000 --> 01:13:13.000 You're not going to be perfect in this lifetime. 1271 01:13:13.000 --> 01:13:18.000 But you're going to be progressing if you're continuing to grow. 1272 01:13:18.000 --> 01:13:24.000 And all of you should have on your non-negotiable list someone who is progressing. 1273 01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:29.000 I want to be with someone who's committed to personal growth. 1274 01:13:29.000 --> 01:13:34.000 I want to be with someone who wants to become a better version of themselves through the finished work of the cross. 1275 01:13:34.000 --> 01:13:42.000 And for those of you that are not believers through whatever avenue that you think transformation occurs. 1276 01:13:42.000 --> 01:13:43.000 Okay. 1277 01:13:43.000 --> 01:13:45.000 That should be a non-negotiable. 1278 01:13:45.000 --> 01:13:48.000 And it should be kind of an unwritten non-negotiable. 1279 01:13:48.000 --> 01:13:50.000 And you know how you're going to find that out? 1280 01:13:50.000 --> 01:13:52.000 Through what I'm going to say next. 1281 01:13:52.000 --> 01:13:56.000 So say they have everything on your non-negotiable list, your deal breaker list. 1282 01:13:56.000 --> 01:13:57.000 You pruned it down. 1283 01:13:57.000 --> 01:14:01.000 You know that these are deal breakers from heaven. 1284 01:14:01.000 --> 01:14:07.000 You know you have to have this in a future spouse and partner. 1285 01:14:07.000 --> 01:14:14.000 Then what are going to be the signals that this person, yeah, they have everything that you're looking for so to speak. 1286 01:14:14.000 --> 01:14:16.000 But are they marriage minded? 1287 01:14:16.000 --> 01:14:18.000 Are they ready to partner? 1288 01:14:18.000 --> 01:14:20.000 Here's the next things that you're going to look for. 1289 01:14:20.000 --> 01:14:24.000 You're going to look for the first signal of a ready partner. 1290 01:14:24.000 --> 01:14:26.000 Is there a planner? 1291 01:14:26.000 --> 01:14:27.000 They value you. 1292 01:14:27.000 --> 01:14:29.000 They value your time. 1293 01:14:29.000 --> 01:14:30.000 They value themselves. 1294 01:14:30.000 --> 01:14:32.000 They value their own time. 1295 01:14:32.000 --> 01:14:36.000 They don't just make plans and break plans. 1296 01:14:36.000 --> 01:14:38.000 They're interested in being with you. 1297 01:14:38.000 --> 01:14:42.000 They're trying to get in your presence as much as possible. 1298 01:14:42.000 --> 01:14:47.000 Signal two is that their behavior is going to match their words. 1299 01:14:47.000 --> 01:14:50.000 They don't just say one thing and do another. 1300 01:14:50.000 --> 01:14:58.000 A lot of people can talk a good game about the future and about how they think that you're the one and yada, yada, but their behavior does not match that. 1301 01:14:58.000 --> 01:14:59.000 They're always breaking dates. 1302 01:14:59.000 --> 01:15:00.000 They're always rescheduling. 1303 01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:01.660 They're hot and cold. 1304 01:15:01.660 --> 01:15:04.580 You guys, please pay attention to hot and cold. 1305 01:15:04.580 --> 01:15:05.580 They're hot. 1306 01:15:05.580 --> 01:15:06.580 They're really interested. 1307 01:15:06.580 --> 01:15:08.020 They're really excited to see you when they're with you. 1308 01:15:08.020 --> 01:15:10.200 It's so romantic, blah, blah, blah. 1309 01:15:10.200 --> 01:15:15.900 And then when they're not with you, sometimes they don't return your messages in a timely 1310 01:15:15.900 --> 01:15:16.900 manner. 1311 01:15:16.900 --> 01:15:21.260 They can get really busy and then they can kind of disappear for days at a time and then 1312 01:15:21.260 --> 01:15:25.020 they jump back in where they're all hot again. 1313 01:15:25.020 --> 01:15:27.500 That is not congruent behavior. 1314 01:15:27.500 --> 01:15:35.040 Rule three, someone who really thinks that you are the one for them and they also have 1315 01:15:35.040 --> 01:15:42.100 done the work and they also are matching your non-negotiables, they're going to want you 1316 01:15:42.100 --> 01:15:47.580 to come into their life sooner rather than later, meaning that you are going to meet 1317 01:15:47.580 --> 01:15:53.900 someone significant to them probably within the first month or so of dating them. 1318 01:15:53.900 --> 01:15:54.900 Doesn't have to be their parents. 1319 01:15:54.900 --> 01:15:56.300 It doesn't have to be their best friend. 1320 01:15:56.300 --> 01:15:57.380 Doesn't have to be their sibling. 1321 01:15:57.380 --> 01:16:04.100 Doesn't have to be their coworker, but it's going to be somebody, somebody that's significant. 1322 01:16:04.100 --> 01:16:10.200 Someone that they're doing life with and they've been doing life with someone in their community 1323 01:16:10.200 --> 01:16:11.540 of some sort. 1324 01:16:11.540 --> 01:16:17.700 They're going to introduce you to their world if they plan on you being part of their world. 1325 01:16:17.700 --> 01:16:20.780 And can I tell you the reason why I made the framework the way I did with what you're going 1326 01:16:20.780 --> 01:16:22.360 to know in the first 30 days? 1327 01:16:22.360 --> 01:16:28.320 Because without fail, every single success story that I have had knew in the first 30 1328 01:16:28.320 --> 01:16:35.560 days that they wanted to have a serious marriage minded courtship with that person. 1329 01:16:35.560 --> 01:16:39.060 So in the first 30 days there, you're getting introduced to somebody that's going to vet 1330 01:16:39.060 --> 01:16:45.360 you out because they're really excited about you and they're really feeling it and they're 1331 01:16:45.360 --> 01:16:50.000 very attracted on all levels and they want someone else to sign off to. 1332 01:16:50.000 --> 01:16:52.320 They want someone else to see how amazing you are. 1333 01:16:52.320 --> 01:16:53.440 Someone that loves them. 1334 01:16:53.440 --> 01:16:54.440 Okay. 1335 01:16:54.440 --> 01:16:58.680 And then signal three, I'm sorry, signal four, you're going to see whether they're ready 1336 01:16:58.680 --> 01:17:04.440 to have relationship, which requires repair by some sort of inconvenience is going to 1337 01:17:04.440 --> 01:17:10.340 show up at the beginning of this relationship where you have to break plans with them. 1338 01:17:10.340 --> 01:17:13.120 Something happens, you get sick. 1339 01:17:13.120 --> 01:17:16.840 Something happens in life where, you know, something else happens, maybe an emergency 1340 01:17:16.840 --> 01:17:19.560 of some sort in their life, whatever. 1341 01:17:19.560 --> 01:17:20.560 Doesn't matter. 1342 01:17:20.560 --> 01:17:24.640 You get into a little tip, a little argument, you disagree on something, not a deal breaker, 1343 01:17:24.640 --> 01:17:29.280 but something that requires forgiveness and repair. 1344 01:17:29.280 --> 01:17:34.440 How they handle that is going to show you whether or not they are ready for a deeper 1345 01:17:34.440 --> 01:17:38.280 relationship with you or anybody else. 1346 01:17:38.280 --> 01:17:48.260 If they pout, if they withdraw, if they, you know, need a break, if they need time to fast 1347 01:17:48.260 --> 01:17:51.220 and pray because now they're not sure if you're the one because there's been a little 1348 01:17:51.220 --> 01:17:55.740 hiccup, get out of here. 1349 01:17:55.740 --> 01:17:58.580 They obviously don't know what relationship looks like because there's going to be a lot 1350 01:17:58.580 --> 01:17:59.580 of hiccups. 1351 01:17:59.580 --> 01:18:02.900 It's going to be a lot of potholes in the road. 1352 01:18:02.900 --> 01:18:06.420 The road to true love does not run smooth. 1353 01:18:06.420 --> 01:18:14.020 So if they don't know how to fight fair, if they don't know how to apologize, if they 1354 01:18:14.020 --> 01:18:18.300 don't have humility, gentlemen, women as well, you want a humble woman. 1355 01:18:18.300 --> 01:18:20.540 You don't want a woman with a big ego. 1356 01:18:20.540 --> 01:18:23.740 You don't want a woman who's stubborn. 1357 01:18:23.740 --> 01:18:26.960 Can I just tell you, you don't want to be married to a stubborn woman. 1358 01:18:26.960 --> 01:18:29.340 You do not want to be married to a stubborn woman. 1359 01:18:29.340 --> 01:18:30.340 Okay. 1360 01:18:30.340 --> 01:18:31.340 Stubborn men. 1361 01:18:31.340 --> 01:18:34.220 Yes, we don't want those, but we don't want stubborn women either. 1362 01:18:34.220 --> 01:18:37.260 Women can be super stubborn, especially as they get older. 1363 01:18:37.260 --> 01:18:38.260 Okay. 1364 01:18:38.260 --> 01:18:40.540 So these are the four signals. 1365 01:18:40.540 --> 01:18:46.660 And I want you to ask yourself, do you have the signals of readiness? 1366 01:18:46.660 --> 01:18:53.740 If you would meet someone really great tomorrow, would you be able to do these four things? 1367 01:18:53.740 --> 01:18:54.980 Would you be able to show up? 1368 01:18:54.980 --> 01:18:56.700 Do you have capacity to show up? 1369 01:18:56.700 --> 01:19:00.080 That planning thing is about capacity. 1370 01:19:00.080 --> 01:19:06.300 Have you made room for a romantic relationship that's going to take up a lot of your capacity? 1371 01:19:06.300 --> 01:19:07.300 Can you plan? 1372 01:19:07.300 --> 01:19:08.300 Can you keep plans? 1373 01:19:08.300 --> 01:19:11.540 Do you prioritize? 1374 01:19:11.540 --> 01:19:15.020 Can your behavior match your words? 1375 01:19:15.020 --> 01:19:17.500 Do you have a lot of wishbone or do you got some backbone as well? 1376 01:19:17.500 --> 01:19:20.940 Are you able to walk it out? 1377 01:19:20.940 --> 01:19:25.700 Do you have people in your world to introduce these people to? 1378 01:19:25.700 --> 01:19:28.700 Have you forged friendships and relationships? 1379 01:19:28.700 --> 01:19:29.700 You have family. 1380 01:19:29.700 --> 01:19:30.700 Do you have community? 1381 01:19:30.700 --> 01:19:33.740 If you don't have family because you were raised by wolves, like then you better have 1382 01:19:33.740 --> 01:19:36.740 some community. 1383 01:19:36.740 --> 01:19:39.540 And instead of out here dating, trying to meet someone to marry, maybe you should spend 1384 01:19:39.540 --> 01:19:44.260 your time actually building a village for yourself. 1385 01:19:44.260 --> 01:19:48.260 Because one thing I know about marriages and I have a lot of them now, almost 2000 marriages 1386 01:19:48.260 --> 01:19:52.060 that I'm partly responsible for. 1387 01:19:52.060 --> 01:19:58.520 And I will tell you this, strong marriage happens within strong community. 1388 01:19:58.520 --> 01:20:00.020 If you want a strong marriage. 1389 01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.740 You meet this person, you fall in love and you just ride off into the sunset. 1390 01:20:02.740 --> 01:20:04.580 You better be riding off into the sunset. 1391 01:20:06.120 --> 01:20:09.740 Surrounded by a community of witnesses and people that can check you before you 1392 01:20:09.740 --> 01:20:13.300 wreck you and help you in all the hard bits of life that can pour into you and 1393 01:20:13.300 --> 01:20:17.400 speak into you. People of all different age groups, people of all different 1394 01:20:17.400 --> 01:20:19.540 backgrounds, people that have all different gift sets. 1395 01:20:19.540 --> 01:20:23.340 You have to have that. And if you don't, let's go ahead and build that. 1396 01:20:24.700 --> 01:20:27.140 Because God places the solitary into family. 1397 01:20:28.000 --> 01:20:30.080 That's what the book of Psalms says. 1398 01:20:31.320 --> 01:20:34.600 I think it's 68 six or something like that. Okay. 1399 01:20:35.440 --> 01:20:40.040 So, and then are you able to not get butt hurt over an inconvenience? 1400 01:20:40.040 --> 01:20:43.940 Are you able to make repair if necessary? 1401 01:20:43.940 --> 01:20:47.600 Are you able to apologize? Do you know how to apologize? Let me ask you a question. 1402 01:20:47.600 --> 01:20:50.560 When was the last time you apologized to anybody? When's the last time you said, 1403 01:20:50.560 --> 01:20:54.440 I was wrong. I'm sorry to anyone. 1404 01:20:55.380 --> 01:20:56.700 When's the last time you did that? 1405 01:20:59.580 --> 01:21:03.660 Yes. Caitlin building difficult, building community is difficult in the year 2026. 1406 01:21:03.660 --> 01:21:05.180 And that's what my new app is going to do. 1407 01:21:05.180 --> 01:21:08.980 It's going to help you build your village because people have to have their 1408 01:21:08.980 --> 01:21:09.820 village. 1409 01:21:11.580 --> 01:21:13.300 Last week, look at all these people. 1410 01:21:14.500 --> 01:21:16.220 When's the last time you were vulnerable with someone? 1411 01:21:16.220 --> 01:21:18.180 When's the last time you admitted weakness to someone? 1412 01:21:18.180 --> 01:21:21.460 When's the last time you cried? Let's see it in the chat. You're like, Jackie, 1413 01:21:21.520 --> 01:21:23.840 you're like Jackie. What does this have to do with dating? Everything. 1414 01:21:25.360 --> 01:21:28.440 It has everything to do with dating. It has to do with having a soft heart, 1415 01:21:28.440 --> 01:21:30.580 having an available heart, having a vulnerable heart. 1416 01:21:30.760 --> 01:21:33.040 You will never fall in love if you can't be vulnerable. 1417 01:21:33.960 --> 01:21:38.800 You will never let someone in. That's why it's called intimacy into me. See 1418 01:21:43.680 --> 01:21:47.480 gentlemen. When's the last time you cried? Ladies are like, 1419 01:21:47.560 --> 01:21:51.340 I cried two minutes ago. I cried before I got on here. 1420 01:21:51.360 --> 01:21:54.560 In fact, I cried three times while you were talking, Jackie. I got you. 1421 01:21:55.480 --> 01:21:57.280 Also menopause. So 1422 01:22:01.560 --> 01:22:05.400 last few weeks, we'll had a couple of tears. You guys, you're 70% water. 1423 01:22:05.400 --> 01:22:08.200 So if you don't open the valve every once in a while, you might drown in there. 1424 01:22:09.360 --> 01:22:14.080 Siri lets some of that water out. Barb's crying right now. 1425 01:22:14.800 --> 01:22:17.840 I hope she's crying tears of joy because I'm just that funny. 1426 01:22:21.340 --> 01:22:22.180 Okay. So friends, 1427 01:22:27.960 --> 01:22:30.240 you are on the way to a love story. 1428 01:22:31.080 --> 01:22:34.240 If you have these four things activated in your own life, 1429 01:22:34.900 --> 01:22:36.560 you are on your way to a love story. 1430 01:22:36.560 --> 01:22:39.280 If there's something that you're missing that you're seeing in this book club, 1431 01:22:39.520 --> 01:22:43.040 just pray. Just ask God, say, Hey God, 1432 01:22:43.200 --> 01:22:46.320 there's this one area of where I'm just really not that developed right now. 1433 01:22:46.320 --> 01:22:49.160 I don't have the tools. I don't have the resources. 1434 01:22:49.380 --> 01:22:50.980 Maybe it's the community portion. 1435 01:22:51.180 --> 01:22:55.860 I really need friends that are like family. I need this in my life. 1436 01:22:56.180 --> 01:22:59.780 I'm asking you to help me. I'm asking you to bring it because friends, 1437 01:22:59.780 --> 01:23:01.460 he knows who you are. He knows where you are. 1438 01:23:01.480 --> 01:23:03.700 He knows what you need and he knows how to get it to you. 1439 01:23:03.900 --> 01:23:06.320 Please remember that. And please believe it because it's true. 1440 01:23:06.940 --> 01:23:08.980 I have story after story, after story, after story, 1441 01:23:08.980 --> 01:23:12.860 after story that I can tell you about when people come into my last year, 1442 01:23:12.860 --> 01:23:13.700 single 1443 01:23:14.360 --> 01:23:19.360 program and they do hard work with me and they sign this permission slip at the 1444 01:23:19.800 --> 01:23:23.400 beginning, giving God control, 1445 01:23:24.600 --> 01:23:29.600 giving God permission to start working in these area of their deficits. 1446 01:23:31.880 --> 01:23:34.840 And guess what? Crazy supernatural stuff started. 1447 01:23:36.600 --> 01:23:39.980 So you're here because you're wanting to learn how to date better and you want to 1448 01:23:40.520 --> 01:23:43.120 get married because God kind of tricked you. 1449 01:23:43.360 --> 01:23:48.360 He got you to join the book club because he also wants to help position you to 1450 01:23:48.480 --> 01:23:51.960 receive so many other things that have been lacking in your life. 1451 01:23:52.280 --> 01:23:54.640 So I'm gonna pray over you. Father God, I'm so thankful for this book club. 1452 01:23:54.640 --> 01:23:57.560 I'm so thankful for each and one of each and every one of your sons and your 1453 01:23:57.560 --> 01:24:00.880 daughters. This is their time, God. 1454 01:24:00.920 --> 01:24:04.400 And I believe that you are adding to them and adding to their lives, 1455 01:24:04.400 --> 01:24:06.280 things that have been missing for a really long time, 1456 01:24:06.740 --> 01:24:10.860 areas where they have felt alone and lost areas where it's just been rough and 1457 01:24:10.860 --> 01:24:15.380 they felt stuck things that they've never been able to get ahold of no matter 1458 01:24:15.380 --> 01:24:19.540 how hard they've tried. And so Lord, I thank you that you're in a time. 1459 01:24:19.540 --> 01:24:23.740 We're in a time right now where you are making rivers in the desert. 1460 01:24:24.500 --> 01:24:26.700 The desert is blossoming like the rose. 1461 01:24:27.300 --> 01:24:32.300 Things that seem so hard before are going to start giving way and becoming easy, 1462 01:24:33.200 --> 01:24:36.720 easier and easier and easier. And all the tears that have been sown, 1463 01:24:37.000 --> 01:24:38.660 all the tears that have been shed, 1464 01:24:38.880 --> 01:24:42.620 all of those things have been precious seed going forth into these people's 1465 01:24:42.620 --> 01:24:46.360 stories, their love stories, but also their life stories. 1466 01:24:46.840 --> 01:24:48.480 And so Laura, we just thank you for that. 1467 01:24:48.680 --> 01:24:53.040 And we're going to hear reports and testimonies after this book club is over. 1468 01:24:53.080 --> 01:24:54.560 They had breakthrough after breakthrough, 1469 01:24:54.560 --> 01:24:58.360 after a breakthrough of so many different things in their health and their 1470 01:24:58.360 --> 01:24:59.880 finances, in their. 1471 01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.400 in their friendships, in their families, and in their love stories. 1472 01:25:04.400 --> 01:25:06.760 In Jesus' name, let it be so. 1473 01:25:06.760 --> 01:25:07.760 Amen. 1474 01:25:07.760 --> 01:25:08.760 All right, friends. 1475 01:25:08.760 --> 01:25:10.460 I'm excited to see you next week. 1476 01:25:10.460 --> 01:25:12.000 Your homework's going to be up in the portal. 1477 01:25:12.000 --> 01:25:13.000 Go get it done. 1478 01:25:13.000 --> 01:25:14.440 Catch up if you're behind. 1479 01:25:14.440 --> 01:25:16.380 Make friends with other people here. 1480 01:25:16.380 --> 01:25:17.380 Post on each other. 1481 01:25:17.380 --> 01:25:20.360 Comment on each other's posts and get to know people. 1482 01:25:20.360 --> 01:25:21.960 That's what you're here to do as well as learn. 1483 01:25:21.960 --> 01:25:22.600 See you soon.