All right, you guys, welcome, welcome.
I see some people were wanting to chat on here.
Sorry about that.
We had to mute you so we could start the recording.
We will have plenty of time to chat here in a little while because we're going to put
you in breakout rooms and that's going to be great.
All right, give me one second.
There I am.
Hello everyone and welcome to Modern Dating Sucks book club.
This is our third session and if you have missed session one or two, that's okay.
You're here tonight and you're going to be able to benefit from our breakout sessions.
When you watch and replay, the only thing that you're not getting is you're not getting the
breakout sessions.
So I just want to let you guys know if you can be here in person, then it's great.
If you can't, then make sure that you're showing up either in that Facebook community or on
the app in the community and you're sharing, you're asking questions and you're getting
a chance to really benefit from the community environment.
People meet some of their best friends in my groups and in my programs.
So it's really important that if you can show up, please show up, right?
Really important stuff.
Okay.
I'm going to answer a couple of questions.
If you posted a question in the app or in the Facebook group within the last 15 hours,
I've been traveling.
I actually didn't get in until 2 a.m. tomorrow, 2 a.m. in the morning.
So I've been traveling from the West Coast and the whole day yesterday was travel.
So there were some questions if you put them in within the last 15 hours or so, I didn't
get a chance to answer them.
So I'm going to answer them here now, if that's okay with you guys.
Rebecca writes that when she goes on dates, she gets some repeat questions.
And those repeat questions are probably some questions that you guys run into as well.
And the first question is, when was your last serious relationship?
Let me see in the chat if that's something that people ask you, or maybe people ask you,
why haven't you had a serious relationship?
Or they may ask you, why are you not married yet?
Anybody else get that?
Come on.
Let's see in the chat.
We're going to have some group interaction tonight.
Why are you single?
This is your date asking you this, not your auntie at Thanksgiving dinner.
Why are you single?
Well, you could turn it right around on them.
Why are you single?
I mean, they're obviously single too, right?
Because they're on a date with you.
So it's just like, what do you mean?
Why am I single?
Why are you single?
Why is anyone single?
There's all kinds of different reasons why we're single.
So the first question that she gets asked a lot is, why are you single?
Or not why, I'm sorry.
When was your last serious relationship?
So I'm going to answer that in a second.
And then the second question is, she wants to know about physical boundaries and dating.
So about sex stuff.
So we'll talk about that in a second.
All right.
So let me answer the question of, when was your last serious relationship?
First of all, what I want you guys to get out of the habit of doing is explaining yourself,
overexplaining yourself or apologizing for your singleness.
Do you hear me?
There's a lot of reasons why people are single nowadays.
Lots and lots and lots of reasons.
And here's the thing, on a first date or second date with someone, you might not really be
ready to get into all of the reasons why you particularly are single.
Because there might be a lot of reasons that bleed into other stories in your life, like
being married, being divorced, going through some kind of abusive breakup situation that
you're just not ready to get into with a stranger.
Right?
Is that right for a lot of you?
So when someone asks you, why are you single?
I want you to answer like this.
Honestly, I have not met someone that I thought would be a good long-term fit.
And I'd rather be single than force a relationship just to say that I have one.
That's it.
If a man is healthy and he hears that, that's going to be the end of the discussion.
If a man is nosy, if a man wants to know all the tea on the first, second date, gentlemen,
if a lady wants to know all the tea.
If she wants to know your body count, if she wants to know how many women you've been in serious relationship with so that she can figure out whether or not she is going to get dumped three months in, then these people haven't done their work, have they?
There's only one or two reasons that someone would ask you that question.
They either don't trust you and they want to find out why you broke up with the last person that you were with, right?
Or in the ladies category, they might be asking you that because they want to know that you've been in a serious relationship in your life because they don't want to waste their time on a man who's not interested in serious relationships.
The bottom line is that they're fishing and you need to make sure that they don't catch anything with their hook because if they're not willing to invest time in getting to know you, then it's already a no, isn't it?
If someone's not willing to invest time in getting to know you, then it's already a no.
Someone's asking me to repeat it, some version of this.
I haven't met the person that I believe would be a really good long-term fit for me.
I haven't met the person that I want to marry yet.
That's why, right?
You don't want to be in a relationship just to be in one.
You are a marriage-minded person.
And you might say, well, Jackie, do I really want to let someone know that I'm a marriage-minded person on a first, second, or third date?
Why not?
If they're afraid of that, if they're afraid, ladies, if it's a guy that's afraid of you trying to get too serious too fast or to lock him down or, you know, whatever, then he's not a marriage-minded man.
A marriage-minded man should be totally fine with a woman casually saying that she hasn't been in a serious relationship lately because she hasn't found anyone to get serious with.
That should be completely fine.
Same thing with you, gentlemen.
If you're saying right away, you know, I haven't found a woman that I want to marry yet, a woman should be completely fine adhering that.
Okay?
All right.
And also, friends, I just want to let you know, for those of you that are Christian, and I know that we have some people that are not necessarily believers or faith-based people, people of faith that are in this book club.
But I want to say, for Christians, we believe that sex belongs inside of a marriage covenant.
And so for those of you that are dating as Christians and you're dating other Christians, you're going to want to let people know, if they start to be affectionate with you physically, that you are waiting until marriage to have sex.
People ask me this all the time.
Hey, Jackie, when should I tell someone that I'm just getting to know that I'm waiting until marriage to have sex?
As soon as the relationship turns affectionate, that's when you should tell them that.
Because otherwise you're just coming out of left field, isn't it?
You're trying to get to know this person.
And then all of a sudden you're like, I'm not having sex until marriage.
Wait, what?
We're just having a cup of coffee.
And ladies, I will tell you, a lot of times when you blurt this out in a timeframe where it doesn't make sense, the man then thinks that you're either prude, frigid, rigid, or you are insinuating that that's what he's here for.
And that's really off-putting.
So I know that it's on your mind when you're on a date because you're like, well, what if, what if, what if?
Well, what if?
If the guy tries to hold your hand or put his arm around you or goes in for a good night kiss and you want to kiss him, kiss him.
But afterwards you should say to him, hey, you know, that was really nice.
I really enjoyed that.
I just want to let you know, here's my standard in this area.
It's the perfect segue to it, isn't it?
It's low key.
It's the right time.
It's the right place.
And then hopefully he's going to respond and say, oh yeah, you know, I have a standard in that area as well.
I'm waiting until marriage.
And you don't have to define what waiting means.
It's like, can we go to first base?
Can we go to second base?
Is it clothes on?
Is it, is everything okay?
If the clothes are on, on top of the clothes, feeling here, feeling there.
There's no reason to get logistical with this statement.
If the relationship turns romantic or physically affectionate, that's the right moment to have that initial discussion about standards in that area.
And then you can let it go until the relationship becomes more affectionate, becomes more passionate, becomes more heated.
you can actually define the boundaries and terms.
Make sense?
All right.
And ladies, it's not only you
that is defining boundaries and terms.
I've known lots of men
that have had to put the brakes on a handsy woman.
I've known lots of men that have had to say,
hey, hey, hey, hey, sister, slow it down, okay?
We're not going there.
And sometimes they don't get a second date.
I know that we think that men are the only ones
that are interested in, only interested in sex,
and they're the only ones that break up with us
if we're not willing to do that,
but it happens to men as well.
Just want to let you know.
I know it's hard to believe,
but I have lots and lots and lots of proof of that
within my student body.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, so I just wanted to go ahead
and answer that question.
Someone else said, how do you know,
how do you show a guy that you're interested
without getting friend zoned?
Well, I don't really think that those two things
go together in the same question.
So as far as letting a man know that you're interested
or that you're open to him asking you on a date,
I think that it's fine for women to make the first move.
I know there's a lot of,
especially Christian coaches out there
that want us to be this helpless feminine.
Guys, that's not the world that we live in anymore.
And just so you know,
that was never the world that we lived in.
Back in the day, it was societal.
It was a societal pressure for men to be the ones
that showed interest in a woman.
Let me tell you what was wrong with that.
Because if you've read the book,
you've read about our past in modern dating.
You've read where modern dating comes from.
The reason why we should be glad
that we're not just sitting around helpless,
waiting for a man to choose us and show interest in us,
we actually get a choice now too.
Isn't that great?
It's not a man choosing a woman.
It's a woman and a man choosing each other.
Do you hear me?
And we should be happy.
And none of you should be waiting around
for a man to choose you
and putting all the pressure on a man to choose you.
Because quite frankly, in the past,
that hasn't worked out for women
because women get chosen by men
that they don't choose back.
And then you were stuck because he chose you
and your family said yes.
Because of the dowry, because of the arrangement,
because you're not gonna get a better offer.
You guys, I'm so glad that we don't live
during the time of debutante balls
where they were basically putting their daughters
out to auction.
Are you not glad?
That's what those were.
Oh, our daughter is in puberty.
It's time for her to come out.
So we're gonna dress her in a pretty dress.
That's white, by the way.
And what is that?
That's indicative of her purity.
And a man is basically gonna bid on her virginity
at this ball.
What?
Get the heck out of here.
All right?
No.
I'm so glad that we get to choose each other.
We get to choose each other.
Ruth absolutely did pursue Boaz, Linda.
But I mean, it's kind of a different type of story.
But yes, it is true.
All right, so friends, it's not about pursuit.
Now, I just wanna let you know,
I don't care how much you pursue a man.
If he is not interested in you,
then he is not going to reciprocate.
And so after the initial interest is shown,
sometimes men, especially men in 2026,
they need some encouragement that you're interested.
They do.
Some men are just not aggressive in this area.
They're not self-starters in this area.
It doesn't make them bad men,
but they have been really confused by what do women want?
Especially in the Christianity circles.
It's kind of taboo to ask someone out at church.
Did you guys know that?
It's frowned upon.
Even leaders don't want you to have singles groups
at your churches.
What do you think message that sends
to single people at churches?
We don't want your singleness here.
We don't want your dating here.
We don't want your sexuality here.
That's the message that it's sending.
And so that's why it's awkward to try to approach someone
in a church context and ask them for a date.
Because if they say no,
then you're probably going to have to find a new church.
At least that's how people feel, right?
And God forbid you actually go out with someone
and then they don't want to go out with you again.
Then you're really going to feel like you need
to find a new church.
And this is.
by men, especially in church context or in spiritual community context, are very nervous
to show interest in a woman.
But guess what?
If you show interest first, that's going to make him brave.
So all you need to do is if you are in proximity to a guy that you're starting to be interested
in, start to want to know more about him, it's very easy for you to say, Hey, you know,
I'd love to hang out with you sometime.
I'd love to go to coffee with you sometime.
You can, you can fill in the blank with something that you know he's interested in.
You know, he likes to hike.
So do you.
Hey, I'd love to go hiking with you sometime.
You know that he likes playing pickleball.
Hey, we should play pickleball sometime.
You know that he loves coffee.
Hey, did you know there's a new coffee shop down on main street?
I was thinking about trying it out.
Do you want to come with?
Do it ladies.
Go ahead and put the ball in his court.
What he does next with the ball is everything that you need to know.
Everything that you need to know happens after you, you make a very clear invitation for
him to hang out with you in a different context from where you know him.
You know him from work, hanging out with you.
If it's not against the rules, of course at work somewhere else, you know him through
a different friend group, inviting him into hanging out with you without that friend group.
Inviting him, you know him from church, inviting him out in the real world to do something
with you.
This is what you do.
And then if he acts weird about it, like he's just like, Oh yeah, well maybe.
Very few men are just going to shoot you down.
Very few men are just going to say, yeah, no, I'm not really interested in doing that.
Very few men are going to do that.
But if they kind of hem and haw and they're just like, yeah, I'm super busy right now.
I don't have a lot of time.
He doesn't like you.
Okay.
I'm just going to rip the bandaid right off.
He doesn't like you.
If he doesn't jump on that like a tick on a dog, then he does not like you like that.
And you know what?
It's an easy segue once again for you just to be like, Oh yeah, you know, work gets really
busy sometimes.
That's cool.
I'll see you next week at church at now.
He knows that you're interested and maybe he's not interested right at this moment,
but if he ever becomes interested, because now he sees you differently.
If he ever becomes interested now that he's seeing you in a different light, cause this
does happen sometimes, he will be the one initiating, Hey, remember when you said we
could go play pickleball?
I'd like to do that now.
Hey, remember it doesn't happen often guys.
Men are pretty decisive about whether they're attracted to you or not.
There have been instances where a man becomes attracted in community later after he knows
that you're interested in him.
Doesn't happen very often, but it does happen.
Once again, if he doesn't have time, doesn't want to do it, it's just like, eh, iffy, like
I don't know, you know, maybe sometime then he's not interested.
If he says yes, immediately you got yourself a, got yourself a date.
Now what happens on that date is super important.
And yes, it's a date.
And what happens on that date is super important.
If he asks you to pay half the bill, he's probably not that interested.
And not that men need to pay the bill, but a man who's romantically interested, he would
die before he lets you pay that bill.
Okay?
He will wrestle someone to the ground for that check.
Why?
Because this is what we equate chivalry with and he knows it already.
If he's just mildly kind of like scoping you out, not really that interested, just going
with you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
He might, he might go Dutch with you on that check.
Okay.
What else should happen before that date is over?
Please listen and hear me.
If that man is excited about being in your presence and he's excited about being on this
date with you and he wants to see you again, he is going to try to secure that second date
before you guys part ways.
Hey, we should do this again.
Hey, I really had fun.
I'd love to do this again.
Hey, there's this thing coming up next week.
Do you want to go with me?
You should hear from him immediately.
He should text you.
He should call you.
If he doesn't, then he is either not ready for any type of relationship or just not interested
in a relationship with you.
Does that make sense, friends?
And that's going back into our framework for next week and the week after we're talking
about the 90 day framework.
What's it look like to get to know someone?
What's it look like to, um, those initial meetings, those initial dates, the first 30
days.
during those first 30 days in order to get from level 1, 2, 3, 4 and up.
So a lot of your questions are going to be answered as you go into more and more of the
reading of the book, okay?
But I wanted to get those questions out of the way because I thought they were good and
I didn't get a chance to answer them because I was on a plane and I was traveling.
All right, let's jump into tonight.
So all of you had the homework to figure out who in the heck is going to be on my relationship
advisory circle.
Do all of you have at least one person?
Let me see in the chat.
Rhonda has three, Nora has one, everyone, a lot of people saying yes.
Let me see who was saying no here.
Okay, for those of you that are saying no, Julia said no, Karen said no.
Go ahead and put your city and state in the chat if you said no.
I see that Karen, I think that's how you pronounce your name, Mainesville, Ohio.
What's that near?
Like what big city is that near, Karen?
If you guys could put up your city and state if you said no.
Carrie, you're saying no.
Put up your city and state.
And friends, look here because you might find someone that you can actually begin to talk
with, chat with.
Someone said here that, um, okay, Kat has three, possibly four.
You probably don't need four.
Three is probably good.
Too many chefs in the kitchen may not be the greatest idea, but four at the very most.
Okay.
Um, Ann's going to ask someone tomorrow.
That's great.
And what is my pastor has to wait because we have to deal with another issue.
And so when you said you'll be asking your first one tomorrow, are you asking your pastor?
I'm going to go ahead and put in the chat.
If you're asking your pastor to be on that advisory circle, I don't think that's a good
idea by the way, just so you know, if that's what you're doing, um, LCSW is tomorrow, not
pastor.
Oh, is it just a typo of some sort?
You didn't mean to put pastor just, it's just a typo.
Okay.
Michelle is like, Hey Carrie, I'll do it.
You guys think you can DM each other on here?
You could definitely find each other in the app, in the groups and get each other.
Yeah.
You friends.
I don't think that spiritual leaders in your life, like pastors and people like that should
be on your list.
And the reason why is because there's already like an imbalance of influence and power.
Does that make sense?
There already is.
And the reason why I say that you shouldn't do this now, I'm not telling you guys, I'm
not making, I'm not making it a rule.
Okay.
It's not black and white, but I will tell you that I've seen a lot of pastors give people
bad advice in the area of romance.
Either they're not your person or they are your person.
I have had heard so many horror stories about I married this person because my pastor thought
they were my person.
They had a word for me or they told me that they were a good catch.
My pastor did our premarital counseling.
I had, I had misgivings.
I tried to bring them up and my pastor was like, no, you're just nervous.
You're just scared.
Guys.
I have heard so many bad stories.
Okay.
So maybe you only have people on your advisory circle that are your equals, your peers, people
that there's not this imbalance of power and influence with.
So you know, maybe, maybe a good idea.
All right.
And Ann brings up something good.
She said, well, if I don't have him, then I don't have a man on my list.
You don't need a man.
You don't have to have a man.
In fact, most people have a same gender advisory circle.
If you have a trusted man in your life that you think gives really good, very clear advice
that's not tainted by any kind of, um, you know, predisposed thinking, then just be careful.
Just be careful friends.
I don't want you to stay stuck.
That's all.
Use wisdom in choosing these people.
Okay.
All right.
So let's go forward.
I'm going to give you guys a chance to go into breakouts.
You might meet some more people for your advisory circles.
It's going to be great.
Alright, so let's jump into some recaps of your homework from this week, your reading from this week. Let's talk about that stuff.
Alright, so we're talking about being stuck this week in the reading.
We were talking about that.
In the form of Jenny.
And James.
Alright, so hopefully you guys did your reading. If not, you got a lot of catching up to do. So I want you to make sure you do it. But I tell a story in the book for those of you that didn't read about two different clients of mine. The names have been changed. So don't try to figure out who they are.
Okay, you know, it's funny is I have success stories named Jenny and James. I have several Jenny's as success stories and I have several James's as success stories. So you're never going to figure it out because the names have been changed. Okay, but both of these people.
Both of these people were around the same age.
And I put them in the book because their stories could be very similar in some ways, but they ended up being so different in their matchmaking. Okay, so Jenny around her late 40s James his mid 40s.
James was divorced had some kids Jenny had never been married, but she had been intentionally dating for a long, long, long time.
She had been on lots and lots and lots of dates and she had a very clear picture in her mind of who it was that she thought was her person.
Okay, what are they going to be like, what are they going to have achieved who they are all the things she had an actual list and I'm not kidding. Okay.
Lots and lots of criteria.
And James only had a few things on his non-negotiables because remember this whole session is about non-negotiables versus preferences.
So she thought that all of her list was non-negotiables. It was deal breakers. It was standards, but it wasn't. It was preferences.
Preferences that she had developed because she had been single for 44 years or 49 years with no really serious relationships.
So she continued to build up this fantasy of what this person should be like, right? So James got married. She didn't, and she's actually still single.
I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings or to scare you, but she's actually still single and she will remain single until she starts dealing with what is keeping her single, which is fear.
You guys, if you have a long list of non-negotiables, it's because you're afraid.
You're afraid. You're afraid of trusting someone. You're afraid of letting someone in.
You're afraid of picking the wrong person. And you think that if you could just get the perfect person for you or the person that's the exact opposite of someone who broke your heart before, or whatever it is behind that long list of non-negotiables, then you're going to be safe.
And you know what? You're not. Yes, 13 is absolutely too long, Carrie, for a non-negotiable list. Your non-negotiables shouldn't have more than five to six items on them.
Remember, it's not your preferences. It's your non-negotiables. It is your deal breakers. And I gave you guys a deciding question.
You're supposed to use that question to decide whether this is a non-negotiable or deal breaker. And the question is, if my person has everything else on this list, except for this one thing, would I still continue to get to know them?
Would I continue to date them? Would I possibly marry them? Or is it a hard pass? If you would continue to entertain them, if they had all the other things and just didn't have that one thing, then it's not a non-negotiable. It's a preference, five to six Juanita, pare it down.
Pare it down. Now, friends, if you're getting into the nitty gritty, nitty, nitty, nitty gritty with these lists of personality, like he has to love Jesus or gentlemen, she has to, you know, be feminine. And she has to do like, if you're like, just kind of trying to be very, very descriptive, that is another pitfall.
You know why? Because there's no way to find this stuff out about someone quickly. If you're getting into the nuances of their personality, you're going to have to know them for a long time before you actually see if that stuff is true or not. Aren't you?
Your non-negotiables should be things that you can quickly discern about someone within the first 30 to 60 days of knowing them, preferably 30. Cause if you not going to read ahead, but when you get to my framework, you're going to see.
That after 30 days, you should be getting into other logistical, serious relationship,
compatibility things.
The non-negotiable questions should have already been answered.
You should not continue dating anyone after 30 days that has a deal breaker.
Oh, they'll change.
It'll be okay.
It can get fixed.
Maybe, maybe I really don't need that after all.
If you're serious that you don't need it after all, it was always a preference.
It was always a preference.
And if you're willing to compromise a true deal breaker after 30 days of knowing someone,
then that means you're desperate and you're in the desperation script, scarcity script.
Okay, I'm going to put you guys in breakouts and you're going to name your non-negotiables.
Don't get into your preferences right now.
You're only going to do non-negotiables.
Okay.
That's it.
You're just going to tell each other what your non-negotiables are.
And then after, after everyone has a chance, I'm going to put you in groups of three.
So after everyone has a chance to go, I'm trying to think of how I want you to do this.
As soon as the person reads off their non-negotiables, the other two people in the room have permission
to maybe push back on a list item that they think is more of a preference.
No fighting in here.
Okay.
And no, no one trying to teach or coach or do hard work with people.
You're just going to say, Hey, you know, that kind of sounds like a preference.
Is it?
Okay.
All right.
I swear, I better not hear about no fighting in these rooms because you know, I can surf
the rooms.
I can come in and don't make me come in there.
Listen to me.
Sounding like your mama.
Don't make me come in there.
Okay.
Some people get real picky with other people's non-negotiables.
So let's be careful.
All right.
Create open.
Go ahead and click that button that says go into the room and I'll see you back in 10-ish
Welcome back, everyone.
We're just going to wait till everyone rolls back in here.
All the, all the rooms are closing.
They'll all be closed in three, two, one.
Awesome.
Don't worry.
You'll have more.
You'll have more breakout time this session and also next session.
Uh, when we do modern dating sucks session, session four, it's a lot of its activations.
And so you're going to be in a lot of breakout rooms next week.
Actually I won't be here.
You will have my co-host putting you in breakouts on all different types of subjects and it
will be great.
Okay.
So I want you to be honest.
I will tell you guys while you were gone, for those of you that are people of faith,
I really felt in my heart and remember I'm a good matchmaker because I am led by a supernatural
signal.
Um, the reason why I'm a good matchmaker is because I have a supernation about who should
be together or who should meet.
Um, I oftentimes have been sitting in front of one person and just seeing another person's
face.
Sometimes someone I barely know and had hardly met before and I introduced them and they
got married.
So I have a gift and I will tell you, I want you to know that there is at least one couple
that's going to meet and get married from this book club.
And I have not said that in any of my other book club sessions, there is one couple in
here right now, a man and a woman obviously that are going to meet because of this book
club and get married to each other.
So I'm putting that out there because I feel it and I know from experience when I feel it, I got to reel it.
I got to make it real. I got to release it. All right. Okay. So let's talk about James and Jenny.
I want you to be honest. It doesn't, it doesn't, it's not about who you're becoming.
It's about who you are right now. And I cannot help you get there.
If you're not going to be honest with me and with yourself, are you more right now of a Jenny or are you more of a James?
Put in the chat right now. Are you more of a Jenny or are you more of a James?
James only had two items on his list and I was able to match him and he was able to get married.
There's screen on. I don't know what's happening there.
Actually, Cheryl, I might need to make you co-host first. Let me do that.
Okay. If you can figure that out, that'd be great because they're my entire screen is this person and I need to figure out what's going on with that.
All right.
Some people are like, I'm Jenny for sure, but I want to be James. I want to be like James. And that's why you're here.
Look, I call Jenny a disgruntled dater. She hated dating. She was tired of dating. She wasn't having any success in dating.
And she's a disgruntled dater. You know what disgruntled daters are? They're reactive. That's what they are.
They believe that they're waiting for something to happen to them. They're enduring this single process or enduring the dating process.
They're complaining about it all the time because they have high hopes when they meet a new person that turns into disappointment every time because this person's not their person.
This person doesn't have their list preferences. They don't get to know the person.
A lot of times these are people that don't even give it a chance to even grow or expand.
So some of these people will either lower their expectations and settle for something that's not really good, not healthy, or they'll continue to add another list item.
Do you hear me? Cheryl, do we know what's going on with that? The screen?
I believe your view preference might be on speaker, just speaker instead of gallery.
Okay. Thank you. Let me check that out. I don't know how that happened. But why would that person be at the speaker view? I'm the speaker.
I don't know.
Yeah. Things that make you go, hmm.
All right. Now it's me. Hello, everybody. Okay. All right.
So disgruntled daters, you guys, they're waiting to be chosen.
Ladies, they're waiting to be chosen. This is not usually a man thing. This is usually a woman thing.
She's sitting around believing that someday her prince will come and he's going to choose her above all the other fair maidens in the land.
Yeah, that's the fairytale script. Stop running it. It's ridiculous. That's not how it works.
Healthy marriage.
Every day on, you're going to choose about love.
You have to keep choosing and you have to keep choosing. You have to keep choosing every day through every season.
You're going to have to choose this person because this person is going to change.
They're going to become different versions of themselves as time goes on.
Disappointment is going to come. Heartache is going to come.
Mountaintop experiences of breakthroughs and promotions and amazing things are going to come.
All of that's going to change you. All of that's going to change them.
That's why your non-negotiables have to be foundational.
Let's think about a house. The thing that causes the house to stand throughout time is its foundation.
Am I correct about building foundation?
It's the load-bearing walls that are built on the foundation.
That is what's going to cause this house to be able to stand through the tests of time.
Isn't the color of the faucets, whether they're gold or silver,
go through the test of time and the storms that are going to beat on the house
and the sun that's going to scorch the house. Is that what it's going to be?
Is it the color of the house that's going to cause it to be able to stand and continue to hold?
I should really answer these questions.
Next question, is it anything cosmetic at all
that's going to cause that?
Now, of course we want to be attracted to the house.
We don't want to move into a house that we absolutely hate.
But remember friends, fixer uppers are not just for houses,
they're for spouses.
And so if someone doesn't have everything
on your preference list on the outside,
so that stuff can be.
Invisalign, get a hold of yourself, okay?
People are like, Jackie, you have beautiful teeth.
Yeah, I had Invisalign,
because I had buck teeth
and I had a space in between my teeth.
You're like, but Jackie, he dresses terribly.
Yeah, it's called the mall.
In fact, I just want to let you ladies know,
if he dresses amazingly well,
if he dresses better than you,
then there's a reason for that.
He knows what women like.
Now, not all men that dress well
and are really handsome, conventionally handsome,
know that they have power over women, but a lot of them do.
Same thing with ladies, gentlemen.
If she's super hot, she knows it.
And she's probably not going to be with you for very long,
especially if there's a better offer on the table
from somebody else.
Women that put lots and lots of money
into the way they look,
and I'm talking about replacing body parts.
They're replacing body parts out here, okay?
They got gummy bear boobies.
Has anyone heard about this new trend, gummy bears?
This is the new silicone implants.
You know how you cut a gummy bear in half
and it doesn't leak any liquid
because it's solid in there, but it's squishy?
Yeah, so if they got the expensive gummy bear implants,
if they got that.
Now, if they had to have reconstruction
because they were sick or whatever, okay.
But women that have really super expensive hair extensions
and filler and lip things,
and men don't really notice this.
A lot of men will be like,
man, she's so naturally beautiful.
Can we all just laugh at that for a second?
Because that costs a lot of money
for her to be that naturally beautiful.
Mm-hmm, and so the women that are walking around
with a little Brazilian butt lift
and in their slinky clothes
and they have perfect spray tans
and all the different things,
those ladies are expensive gentlemen.
And because they're expensive,
they're always gonna be looking for the highest bidder.
And at one point in time, that might be you.
And in the next season, it might not be you.
So once again, does the house have good bones?
Does it have a foundation?
For those of you that are believers and Christians,
does it have a Christian foundation, a Christ foundation?
Is it built on the rock?
Can it stand the test of time?
I always tell people,
imagine that you're going through the hardest time
in your life with this person.
Do you want this person by your side
when you lose your parents someday,
when your parents get sick and they're sick for years
and you're caretaking for them,
visiting them in the nursing home
or caring for them at your own house,
when God forbid you get sick or you get injured somehow,
when you lose a job.
I just had a friend text me the other day.
Her husband lost his job just out of nowhere.
This kind of stuff happens.
Why do you think so many people got divorced during COVID?
Because people started losing jobs
that they didn't think were losable.
They were locked into tight spaces with each other
and they hadn't been at home together in years
because they were ships passing in the night.
Now they actually have to do relationship together.
And they realize, I don't really like this person.
I don't like this person's personality.
I don't like their attitude.
Now we're going through all kinds of hardships.
We don't have any money.
They lost their job, blah, blah, blah.
All the things, you guys,
you have to picture the hardest moments in life
when you are planning on partnering
for your whole life with someone.
Do you want this person next to you during those seasons?
Do you?
Are they going to be a good companion?
Are they going to be a good partner?
Are they going to be there for you?
Are they going to support you?
Are they going to comfort you or they give you?
Gentlemen, I don't care how good she looks.
If she's not divinely feminine, she's not a nurturer.
She's not going to comfort you in your hard times.
And trust me, you're going to have some.
Then she's not who you want as a wife.
So friends, we cannot be disgruntled daters
waiting to be chosen by someone.
We have to choose each other
and we have to keep choosing each other.
And that's why this whole book club
is designed to make you your own matchmaker
and to make you the matchmaker of others.
So instead of dating like a disgruntled dater like Jenny,
now you guys are going to shift
into dating like a matchmaker like James.
James played his own matchmaker.
I helped him.
But you know how I was able to help him?
He gave me a very clear view of who he was
and what he prioritized
and what he needed and wanted in a partner.
And I could work with that.
Now, guess what?
For you gentlemen that are scared
and some of you ladies are scared.
to about what I'm talking about right now.
He actually was very physically attracted to his wife.
I know people are like, oh no, Jackie,
I want the house to at least look good.
I want some curb appeal.
I got you.
But please remember that you can put some sweat equity
into that as well.
Please.
Because I'm just going to tell you as experience
as a matchmaker, and I'm talking to a big group of people,
so I'm not going to offend any one person
because if this is hidden in your heart,
then I'm calling you out without calling you out
because I don't know you.
But the people that have the longest list of preferences
that are superficial and surface
are also some of the most unfit, conventionally mid,
ugly people I ever met.
What are you talking about wanting this whole big list
of preferences and another human being
when you don't have one of these items on the list yourself?
Am I wrong?
Because I'm not.
I've been doing this for a really, really long time.
And I'm like, okay, come on.
Out here like, I want someone fit.
Are you fit?
I want someone who's made the gym their entire personality.
Do you go to the gym?
And they're like, yes.
And I'm like, well, it don't look like it.
I'm sorry to hurt feelings, but I'm going to hurt you
because they're going to hurt your feelings.
Because if you really mean
to actually making the gym their whole personality,
they're not going to be attracted to you.
Now, is it okay to have a lifestyle
that you cannot live any differently
than on your non-negotiable list?
100%.
If you are truly a health, wellness guy or girl,
and you eat super clean and you do all the things
and you're taking the GLPs,
you're microdosing them for inflammation
and you're on all the peptides and you don't go to the gym.
Jackie, you're frozen.
Okay, guys, just give it a minute.
Can you hear me?
That's the most important thing.
Put in the chat if you can hear me.
Okay, we're going to keep going.
Frozen face, fine.
Frozen audio, not fine.
You guys, that is a non-negotiable
because that is your lifestyle.
Can you put on your non-negotiable
that you want an active partner
because you like to hike and you like to bike
and your idea of a vacation is exercise?
You better put that on your non-negotiable list
because if you marry a couch potato,
you're going to be super unhappy.
If you marry someone whose idea of a vacation
is going somewhere and sitting in a chair
and watching television inside
because the outdoors is something
that they're not familiar with, then guess what?
That's not a match made in heaven.
That's a match made in hell.
You're going to be fighting all the time.
I don't care how much attracted you are to them,
you are not going to be happy with them.
Now, a vegan and a meat eater can get along
as long as it's a preference and not a,
like you believe it's wrong to kill animals.
If you believe it's wrong to kill animals,
you believe that we're not supposed to kill animals,
then you definitely should not marry someone
who is eating dead animals.
Now, that's a hard one.
I haven't met anyone like that before.
Like I know people who are vegans
because they believe that you shouldn't harm animals,
no animal products at all in their life.
Those people are very extreme
and yes, they should marry very extreme people.
But if you can live and let live,
like you don't eat meat for health reasons,
it's your preference,
but you're okay with them eating meat, then that's cool.
It's hard to find a man who doesn't want to eat some meat.
I'll tell you that right now.
They do exist, but like, look, Will.
Will in the chat's like, all cows taste good.
Yay, meat.
Okay, all right.
All right.
So you guys, I want to shift you out of disgruntled dater
because you're waiting to be chosen.
And what happens if you get your non-negotiables
really clear?
Please hear me.
If you get your non-negotiables really, really clear,
then you're going to.
be able to find someone compatible to you a lot faster.
Your advisory committee's gonna be able
to help you a lot faster.
Your advisory circle's gonna be able
to help you a lot faster.
You're going to be able to weed people out a lot faster
with no apologies.
You are allowed to weed people out in the first few dates
if they have a non-negotiable on your list
or they don't have a non-negotiable on your list, right?
For instance, long distance, can't relocate.
And why is it you're non-negotiable?
Because you have a shared parenting agreement
for the next 12 years because you're divorced
and you're raising children with your ex-spouse.
If they cannot relocate, they're long distance
and they cannot relocate to you and you find that out,
like say they have a shared parenting agreement,
they can't relocate.
Say that they have a job or they're taking care
of an elderly family member, they can't relocate.
In the first two dates when you find that out,
it's like, hey, it was great to meet you.
Let me see who's on my list of friends
that I met in this book club that lives in your area
because you can't relocate.
Let me introduce you to someone that lives by you.
Easy peasy, friends, you're allowed to weed people out
very quickly if they have a deal breaker.
Make sense to everyone?
Please tell me.
Put in the chat if this is making sense.
I want you guys to put up something
that was on your non-negotiable list
but someone in your breakout room said, eh,
I don't think that's a non-negotiable.
Let's see it in the chat.
You guys, if you get a hold of what I'm talking about
right now, you will be able to date
so much more efficiently, you will become
your own matchmaker and you're gonna meet someone
so much faster, you really are.
This is why I'm successful the way I am
as a dating coach and matchmaker
because I cut right to the chase,
I don't sugarcoat anything and I have people
weed this down and weed people out very quickly.
But if you have a scarcity mindset,
you're not gonna weed people out,
you're gonna be scared to weed people out,
you're gonna keep them on your list,
you're gonna keep meeting them
even though they have a deal breaker.
Okay.
Kat, compassion is not a non-negotiable
but it's hard to see, right?
It's gonna be hard to see if they're
truly compassionate right away.
That's something you're not gonna be able to see
until you're in deeper relationship with them.
Kerry said, he must make me feel safe.
Once again, Kerry, we gotta make sure
that your nervous system is regulated
because you need to be safe in your own body
without someone else making you feel safe.
And sometimes you feel unsafe with people
and it's just a you thing, it's not a them thing.
So once again, it's really hard to gauge that
as a non-negotiable.
You definitely want to feel safe
but that's not something that you're going
to be able to diagnose right away.
Anne didn't get to share her list.
No one in their group disagreed.
Our group agreed on everything.
Blah, blah, blah.
Having young children.
Okay.
Heather had a deal breaker of she doesn't want
to raise anyone's young children still.
Heather, unmute yourself wherever you are.
How old are you?
And do you have children of your own?
I'm 53 and no, I do not have children of my own.
53 and you've never had children of your own.
Is that what you just said?
Correct.
Okay.
So I don't want you, okay?
I'm going to be gentle with you here, all right?
A lot of people in your age bracket have children
and some of those people are going to,
you know, when you say young children,
what do you mean?
Under eight?
Under five?
What's a young child to you?
I mean, honestly, like teenagers and under.
Not adult children but
So you're saying a deal breaker for me
is anyone having minor children still in the house
that we're still having to really help and raise?
Yes.
Okay.
And is, when you say that's a deal breaker,
you realize that you are weeding out
so many men in your age bracket.
And so what I want to ask you is
what's the fear behind that deal breaker?
Is it a situation where you don't feel like
you have paid children?
Is it because you don't want to deal with baby mama drama?
Like what is behind this deal breaker?
I mean, I grew up in that situation
and it was not a good thing.
I had a very ugly, traumatic situation like that.
That's so probably childhood fear.
And just the things that I wanna do
are adventurous, big, the health.
So it's, I don't know, it's part some history.
I was married to someone older than me
that had older children and been a widow.
So I don't know.
I just think it doesn't feel like the life
that I want to have currently.
Okay, so you heard a lot of different reasons
behind this, right?
And so it's very clearly a preference.
I just wanna tell you that just right away, Heather.
But it's a strong preference
and it's based on some trauma that Heather has had.
And you guys, so many of you have these.
Either on your non-negotiable list
or they're a strong preference on your preference list.
And it's based on something that you've been through,
something that you've experienced.
And also based on you forecasting
what it would look like to be married to someone
that Heather said, and she's being very honest.
And Heather, thank you very much
for being willing to talk about this.
Because I see this on a lot of older women's
that never had children on their non-negotiable list.
And some men, but mostly women have this, believe it or not.
And it's because they've been married,
they've been waiting to be married for a long time.
And when they get married,
they know that they're told to have biological children.
So that ship has sailed.
They want to have fun with their spouse.
They wanna travel with them.
It's a few years away from retirement.
They're thinking about this love story
that they wanna have with their best friend
and just explore and all things.
And I didn't let you know that that's not wrong.
I don't want that.
I really want to encourage you to be open
to men that may have minor children
that they're still sharing parenting with.
I don't want you to make an amazing love story
and you will still get to do the things
that you're talking about.
You just don't know that yet
because you haven't lived it yet.
Okay.
And for all of you that are afraid of
maybe it's on your non-negotiable list,
I don't wanna marry someone who's divorced.
I don't wanna marry someone who has any kids
from a previous marriage.
I don't want shared parenting.
I know someone who's been a client of mine for years.
And the reason why she is still single, in my opinion,
is because she has been very, very, very resistant
to relocation and divorced men with children.
Okay.
She's been very resistant to her relocating
even though she doesn't have any reason
for that to be a non-negotiable.
I wanna just tell all of you right now,
if you do not have a responsibility
where meaning you're taking care
of an elderly family member,
you have a shared parenting agreement
that cannot be broken
because you're not gonna move away
and leave your children behind, that's ridiculous.
And people have tried to do that before
and wanted me to sign off on it.
Jackie, I'm in love.
And you know, I'll come back and visit my children.
You know, I'll have them in the summers.
What?
That's not a God love story.
A God love story would never have you
abandoning your children.
I just wanna let you know that.
I don't care if you're even the father.
They're like, well, I'm just the father.
You know, I only have them every other weekend.
I don't care.
Being a Mexican is what your children need
until they're adults.
And you made that commitment when you fathered them
and ladies, when you mothered them,
moving away for your own selfish reasons
and being in love and having a love story
is not a God love story.
I'm just gonna weigh in on that right now.
But if you do not have a non-negotiable
that is like that, okay?
And also I'll put in that non-negotiable
if you really feel before God
that he told you to move where you are
and you have an assignment there,
you maybe have an ministry there,
maybe you're a missionary to that area, whatever,
and you're not released from that assignment
and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt,
not just in yourself,
but it's been confirmed through others
that you're right where you need to be.
Everybody else can relocate.
Will it be easy?
No.
Might you have to transfer your job?
Yes.
Is your job gonna keep you warm at night?
Is your job gonna be there?
For your job could end tomorrow.
Let's be honest about it.
Nobody has job security anymore.
No one.
Please do not frame your entire life
around a paycheck or a job.
I don't care how many years you put in, okay?
If you're one year from retirement,
then yeah, maybe the person you meet can move to you
and then you get to retire with your pension
and then you move to where they are.
You guys, I've seen people come up
with all kinds of really interesting arrangements,
but please be open to relocation.
And because so many people have sabotaged love story,
you're not willing to just leave where they're comfortable.
When you get down to the truth, when I coach you and I get down to the truth
behind everything, beneath everything, you just don't want to be inconvenienced.
You just don't want to move somewhere new because you're used to it here and you
have your routine and you have your community or this or that or whatever,
not good reasons. Maybe God wants to stretch you.
He wants to send you someplace new for a new adventure and a new lease on life.
Stop getting in your own way.
And the other thing that's going to is if you have some hard,
fast rule about people in general,
I don't want to be with someone who's ever been in a longterm relationship,
been engaged, been married. Now they're divorced.
I don't want to be with anyone who's had kids.
I don't want to be with anyone who's this skin color. I don't want to be,
stop it. Those are not non-negotiables.
They're not.
They are preferences and they may be strong preferences,
but they are preferences.
And if you build your dating resume or your, um,
you're the thing that you're going to give your advisory circle based on
preferences, then you are going to be single longer than you need to be.
And please don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not asking you to settle.
You already are settling.
You're settling for your own ideas of what this is going to look like.
And you're robbing yourself.
I don't have to tell you to settle. You're already settling.
And I know I'm getting a little harsh with you guys right now,
because I have had some crazy comments in this book club.
And I just want to let you guys know, you are in your own way.
That pickiness that you have is a heart wound and we need to get it healed so
that you can move forward. Cause I really want you to be able to get unstuck.
All right.
You guys non-negotiable should be built on these five foundational things,
character, capacity, compatibility, conviction,
where they stand in their faith, their values, where you guys align community.
Why is community part of this?
Because the quality of people's relationships is the truest mirror of who they
are.
Every one of you should have something that talks about
wanting to be with someone who knows how to do repair,
who knows how to forgive and be forgiven,
who knows how to repair relationship.
All of you should want to be with someone who has long-term relationships in
their life. Because you know what that tells you?
That tells you that there have been plenty of instances when this person could
have cut and run. It would have been easier.
Just avoid the hard bits that are part of every relationship.
And I'm talking about friendships and family and all those types of
relationships, but instead they stuck around, they dug in,
they did the repair, they did their forgiving.
Right. That is good. You want that. Okay. All right.
I want to help you guys build your advisory circle. Right.
So we're going to have another breakout and this
time the breakout is going to be based on what we just
talked about.
And I want you to go into your group and I want you to admit to them whether or
not you've been a Jenny or a James,
whether you've been a disgruntled dater or you've been
a matchmaker in your own life. This is tight and it's right.
It has a few things on it.
You're super open to whatever God brings you.
Kim K is part of my last year single group. She's in here.
And I already said it's Kim K. It's not Kim Kardashian.
It's the other Kim K. All right.
She had a very picky
dating profile when I first met her. And rightly so.
She's gorge. Okay. She's got it going on,
but it was getting in her way and it was actually attracting men
that were not marriage ready. Her list was not only keeping her stuck.
It was actually getting her into relationship with men that look pretty on the
outside and didn't have nothing going on on the inside. Kim, where are you?
Yes. True. 100,000% true.
Yes. And I've been through some near misses with him.
I've helped be a matchmaker and a match breaker for her. Okay.
So she has a very short list now.
So Kim, will you please tell them what's on your non-negotiable list now?
Must share same faith. Doesn't matter. Denomination.
No sex before marriage and no smoking.
Those are her.
Number three, non-negotiables, y'all.
That means that she's not going to entertain anyone if they have one of these deal breakers.
That's why it's a deal breaker.
Now Kim, share us some things that you would love to have from your preference list.
I would love to have a guy over six feet tall.
Six feet tall, active, works out, I do.
I work out a lot.
I'm very active.
I love being on the go.
It just be spontaneous with me.
Yeah, you guys, God can work with this.
God's the best matchmaker, just so you know.
Yeah, he works for humans, so he works for me.
I'm not the matchmaker.
I'm the matchmaker apprentice or assistant of God.
So are other people that God would use in your life to introduce you to someone.
They're being utilized and it's a beautiful thing, but when you have a short non-negotiable
list like this, she could add two more things to this, but when she has a short non-negotiable
list like this, that what she's saying to God is, I trust you.
Surprise me.
You know, surprise me.
They're going to share my faith and she means the depth of her faith as well.
She loves Jesus.
Okay.
They're going to share her faith, not just that they're a Christian.
They're going to share the depth of faith with her.
They're going to be committed to abstinence until marriage.
They're not going to be a smoker and all that that entails.
And once again, she could add a few more things to this.
She could, you could add two more like real deal breaking things to this.
Like one of the things that I could think of for you, Kim, that, you know, they have
to open to a woman that has kids.
You have to be willing to show up as a, you know, a positive force in your children's
life.
Like they have to be interested in that.
There are people out there that, you know, they're going to marry you, but they're not
going to marry your kids.
Even if your kids are older teenagers, even if your kids are young adults, they just want
you.
They don't want them.
To me, that's a deal breaker as a blended mom.
That's a deal breaker.
Yeah.
That's so true.
Yeah.
So you could add that, but you guys, she's like, surprise me.
You know, I trust you, God, you know what I need and you know how to get it to me.
Okay.
All right.
So we're going to put you in there and you're going to, you're going to be honest with each
other about whether or not you've been a disgruntled dater in the past, just waiting to be chosen.
Okay.
And how you're now pick the top three deal breakers on your list.
Now you're not going to be afraid to weed people out according to those three things
immediately, immediately weed them out in the first couple of days.
Even if the chemistry is, you know, even if you're super physically attracted to them
or emotionally attracted to them, mentally attracted to them, but they have one of these
three things that you're about to share.
It's a no go.
All right.
You guys understand the assignment?
I'm going to make it even smaller rooms so you guys can really get into it with each
other.
All right.
See you in a minute.
Okay.
All right.
See you in a minute.
Okay.
All right.
Jackie.
Hi.
Hello again, guys.
Wait one sec. Wait one sec.
Hey, everyone.
I hope you're finding out some really great stuff about yourself and about each other.
Some people are going to, they're going to die on those hills.
And literally they're going to die on those hills.
Okay.
I know that it's easy, especially if you're running that passive faith script to say, well, if God wants it for me, then he's going to give me exactly what's in my heart.
He's going to give me exactly what I want.
No, friends.
What's exactly going to happen is you're going to stay single.
And I love you, but you're going to blame God for it.
Okay.
You're going to think he's holding out on you.
He's not sending you what you want.
He's not sending you what you've pictured as your love story.
So you're going to disregard everyone who's not what you've pictured because that can't possibly be the one.
Can't possibly be a compatible partner for me.
I can't possibly be part of a divine appointment because remember God doesn't have a one for you, but there's lots of divine appointments in life.
And a lot of times we miss out on those divine appointments because we are looking for a different type of appointment.
Am I wrong?
It happens in jobs.
It happens in friendships.
It happens in communities.
It happens in opportunities.
And it also happens in love.
So for those of you that believe that there's only one person for you and eventually someday your paths are going to cross, maybe in the nursing home and the old folks home, when you're on oxygen and you'll be able to say your vows right before you croak, then I can't help you.
There's not much I can do about that.
Okay.
You're going to have to go ahead and live out that delulu.
But some of you even now have put in the chat things that are not non-negotiables, but they're like, it's my non-negotiable.
I don't want it.
I don't want it, Jackie.
I'm not having it.
And here's what I want to say about that.
Because that's attached to a heart wound.
There's several of you that put something in the chat during our last convo before you went to breakouts.
That is absolutely not a God-given non-negotiable.
It is a wall that you have built because of fear.
Can you meet someone that's willing to climb over that wall?
Yes.
But I want to remind you that the book of Proverbs says the only people that climb walls are thieves.
It says, if you build a wall, you will attract a thief.
That is scripture.
If you build a wall, you will attract a thief.
Right.
And so please be careful with the people that actually scale that wall because the chances of them being healthy people are not good.
And the reason why I say that is because you're not healthy and therefore you're not going to attract healthy.
Please see that I didn't say perfect.
No one's perfect and you're not meant to be perfect.
You're not going to be perfect in this lifetime.
But you're going to be progressing if you're continuing to grow.
And all of you should have on your non-negotiable list someone who is progressing.
I want to be with someone who's committed to personal growth.
I want to be with someone who wants to become a better version of themselves through the finished work of the cross.
And for those of you that are not believers through whatever avenue that you think transformation occurs.
Okay.
That should be a non-negotiable.
And it should be kind of an unwritten non-negotiable.
And you know how you're going to find that out?
Through what I'm going to say next.
So say they have everything on your non-negotiable list, your deal breaker list.
You pruned it down.
You know that these are deal breakers from heaven.
You know you have to have this in a future spouse and partner.
Then what are going to be the signals that this person, yeah, they have everything that you're looking for so to speak.
But are they marriage minded?
Are they ready to partner?
Here's the next things that you're going to look for.
You're going to look for the first signal of a ready partner.
Is there a planner?
They value you.
They value your time.
They value themselves.
They value their own time.
They don't just make plans and break plans.
They're interested in being with you.
They're trying to get in your presence as much as possible.
Signal two is that their behavior is going to match their words.
They don't just say one thing and do another.
A lot of people can talk a good game about the future and about how they think that you're the one and yada, yada, but their behavior does not match that.
They're always breaking dates.
They're always rescheduling.
They're hot and cold.
You guys, please pay attention to hot and cold.
They're hot.
They're really interested.
They're really excited to see you when they're with you.
It's so romantic, blah, blah, blah.
And then when they're not with you, sometimes they don't return your messages in a timely
manner.
They can get really busy and then they can kind of disappear for days at a time and then
they jump back in where they're all hot again.
That is not congruent behavior.
Rule three, someone who really thinks that you are the one for them and they also have
done the work and they also are matching your non-negotiables, they're going to want you
to come into their life sooner rather than later, meaning that you are going to meet
someone significant to them probably within the first month or so of dating them.
Doesn't have to be their parents.
It doesn't have to be their best friend.
Doesn't have to be their sibling.
Doesn't have to be their coworker, but it's going to be somebody, somebody that's significant.
Someone that they're doing life with and they've been doing life with someone in their community
of some sort.
They're going to introduce you to their world if they plan on you being part of their world.
And can I tell you the reason why I made the framework the way I did with what you're going
to know in the first 30 days?
Because without fail, every single success story that I have had knew in the first 30
days that they wanted to have a serious marriage minded courtship with that person.
So in the first 30 days there, you're getting introduced to somebody that's going to vet
you out because they're really excited about you and they're really feeling it and they're
very attracted on all levels and they want someone else to sign off to.
They want someone else to see how amazing you are.
Someone that loves them.
Okay.
And then signal three, I'm sorry, signal four, you're going to see whether they're ready
to have relationship, which requires repair by some sort of inconvenience is going to
show up at the beginning of this relationship where you have to break plans with them.
Something happens, you get sick.
Something happens in life where, you know, something else happens, maybe an emergency
of some sort in their life, whatever.
Doesn't matter.
You get into a little tip, a little argument, you disagree on something, not a deal breaker,
but something that requires forgiveness and repair.
How they handle that is going to show you whether or not they are ready for a deeper
relationship with you or anybody else.
If they pout, if they withdraw, if they, you know, need a break, if they need time to fast
and pray because now they're not sure if you're the one because there's been a little
hiccup, get out of here.
They obviously don't know what relationship looks like because there's going to be a lot
of hiccups.
It's going to be a lot of potholes in the road.
The road to true love does not run smooth.
So if they don't know how to fight fair, if they don't know how to apologize, if they
don't have humility, gentlemen, women as well, you want a humble woman.
You don't want a woman with a big ego.
You don't want a woman who's stubborn.
Can I just tell you, you don't want to be married to a stubborn woman.
You do not want to be married to a stubborn woman.
Okay.
Stubborn men.
Yes, we don't want those, but we don't want stubborn women either.
Women can be super stubborn, especially as they get older.
Okay.
So these are the four signals.
And I want you to ask yourself, do you have the signals of readiness?
If you would meet someone really great tomorrow, would you be able to do these four things?
Would you be able to show up?
Do you have capacity to show up?
That planning thing is about capacity.
Have you made room for a romantic relationship that's going to take up a lot of your capacity?
Can you plan?
Can you keep plans?
Do you prioritize?
Can your behavior match your words?
Do you have a lot of wishbone or do you got some backbone as well?
Are you able to walk it out?
Do you have people in your world to introduce these people to?
Have you forged friendships and relationships?
You have family.
Do you have community?
If you don't have family because you were raised by wolves, like then you better have
some community.
And instead of out here dating, trying to meet someone to marry, maybe you should spend
your time actually building a village for yourself.
Because one thing I know about marriages and I have a lot of them now, almost 2000 marriages
that I'm partly responsible for.
And I will tell you this, strong marriage happens within strong community.
If you want a strong marriage.
You meet this person, you fall in love and you just ride off into the sunset.
You better be riding off into the sunset.
Surrounded by a community of witnesses and people that can check you before you
wreck you and help you in all the hard bits of life that can pour into you and
speak into you. People of all different age groups, people of all different
backgrounds, people that have all different gift sets.
You have to have that. And if you don't, let's go ahead and build that.
Because God places the solitary into family.
That's what the book of Psalms says.
I think it's 68 six or something like that. Okay.
So, and then are you able to not get butt hurt over an inconvenience?
Are you able to make repair if necessary?
Are you able to apologize? Do you know how to apologize? Let me ask you a question.
When was the last time you apologized to anybody? When's the last time you said,
I was wrong. I'm sorry to anyone.
When's the last time you did that?
Yes. Caitlin building difficult, building community is difficult in the year 2026.
And that's what my new app is going to do.
It's going to help you build your village because people have to have their
village.
Last week, look at all these people.
When's the last time you were vulnerable with someone?
When's the last time you admitted weakness to someone?
When's the last time you cried? Let's see it in the chat. You're like, Jackie,
you're like Jackie. What does this have to do with dating? Everything.
It has everything to do with dating. It has to do with having a soft heart,
having an available heart, having a vulnerable heart.
You will never fall in love if you can't be vulnerable.
You will never let someone in. That's why it's called intimacy into me. See
gentlemen. When's the last time you cried? Ladies are like,
I cried two minutes ago. I cried before I got on here.
In fact, I cried three times while you were talking, Jackie. I got you.
Also menopause. So
last few weeks, we'll had a couple of tears. You guys, you're 70% water.
So if you don't open the valve every once in a while, you might drown in there.
Siri lets some of that water out. Barb's crying right now.
I hope she's crying tears of joy because I'm just that funny.
Okay. So friends,
you are on the way to a love story.
If you have these four things activated in your own life,
you are on your way to a love story.
If there's something that you're missing that you're seeing in this book club,
just pray. Just ask God, say, Hey God,
there's this one area of where I'm just really not that developed right now.
I don't have the tools. I don't have the resources.
Maybe it's the community portion.
I really need friends that are like family. I need this in my life.
I'm asking you to help me. I'm asking you to bring it because friends,
he knows who you are. He knows where you are.
He knows what you need and he knows how to get it to you.
Please remember that. And please believe it because it's true.
I have story after story, after story, after story,
after story that I can tell you about when people come into my last year,
single
program and they do hard work with me and they sign this permission slip at the
beginning, giving God control,
giving God permission to start working in these area of their deficits.
And guess what? Crazy supernatural stuff started.
So you're here because you're wanting to learn how to date better and you want to
get married because God kind of tricked you.
He got you to join the book club because he also wants to help position you to
receive so many other things that have been lacking in your life.
So I'm gonna pray over you. Father God, I'm so thankful for this book club.
I'm so thankful for each and one of each and every one of your sons and your
daughters. This is their time, God.
And I believe that you are adding to them and adding to their lives,
things that have been missing for a really long time,
areas where they have felt alone and lost areas where it's just been rough and
they felt stuck things that they've never been able to get ahold of no matter
how hard they've tried. And so Lord, I thank you that you're in a time.
We're in a time right now where you are making rivers in the desert.
The desert is blossoming like the rose.
Things that seem so hard before are going to start giving way and becoming easy,
easier and easier and easier. And all the tears that have been sown,
all the tears that have been shed,
all of those things have been precious seed going forth into these people's
stories, their love stories, but also their life stories.
And so Laura, we just thank you for that.
And we're going to hear reports and testimonies after this book club is over.
They had breakthrough after breakthrough,
after a breakthrough of so many different things in their health and their
finances, in their.
in their friendships, in their families, and in their love stories.
In Jesus' name, let it be so.
Amen.
All right, friends.
I'm excited to see you next week.
Your homework's going to be up in the portal.
Go get it done.
Catch up if you're behind.
Make friends with other people here.
Post on each other.
Comment on each other's posts and get to know people.
That's what you're here to do as well as learn.
See you soon.