Okay, folks, welcome to Love Seeds, Ask Renee, because I'm here subbing for Jackie.
She will be, I'm sure, up again sometime later this month for you guys to ask her burning
questions.
But as you know, I like to do the dating coaching at least one time in a month, so this is where
you're going to get this from me.
And I'm super excited to do it.
I feel like I've been on a roll coaching a lot of people.
And here's what I can tell you.
If you are coming out of your worst relationship, you're about to walk into your best relationship.
And so I so mean that, and I'm so excited about it.
So I don't know if you recognize this hat, okay, this cute little logo.
I might be the only psycho that was following Kelsey, oh my gosh, Kelsey Fedler.
She was the chick that rode solo all the way from Monterey, California to Hawaii.
And I set the alarm for 2 a.m. so that I can watch her cross over and land in Hawaii.
And I love what she said.
So she, not only was she the, she was only the third woman to try it solo, but she was
the first American and she was the youngest.
And not only did she blow past the women's record, but she blew past the man's record
too.
And one of the quotes that she said was, I want you to be brave to do your big scary
hard thing.
You may not have what it takes to finish the hard thing, but you have what it takes to
start the hard thing.
And you'll figure it out and people will come along the way as you go.
And so I want you to be thinking about that while you're in this program.
And as we are trying to help walk alongside you in your love story that God has for you,
all you need to do to do this big scary thing, which is give love a chance again, after all
your hurts, all your disappointments, you guys just need to come to the starting line,
which is just show up here and just keep trying.
And the rest will be God and us walking this out with you.
So you are not solo cruising into marriage and in your single years, you actually get
to do it with a team here.
So take advantage of the team, the coaches, the prayer, we're here in community doing
it for you.
So anyway, I donated to her little foundation.
You guys, her goal was to raise like $50,000.
She raised over $200,000 and I got a little cute hat out of it.
And I've got my glasses on because I knocked one of my contact lenses down the drain tonight.
So I just spent 200 bucks to get a new contact lens.
Yay me.
Okay.
So before, I want you to be able to raise your hands if you have dating questions, anything
remotely connected to dating.
This could be your non-negotiable list, your preference list.
This could be how to get from a conversation, a text to a video date, a video date to a
live date.
How do you get a guy from and a girl from level two dating to level three dating?
Like how do you get through all of this?
So we can talk about all of it.
The one thing I do want to encourage you guys to do is not give up, like not give up.
And if you think you're doing it all, you're like, Renee, I'm on the apps.
I'm going to meet up groups.
All my friends know I look amazing every time I walk out the door.
I'm hitting the gym.
I'm hitting the steps.
I'm eating healthy.
I've paid off my bills.
I've saved money.
Like I'm doing it all.
There's literally nothing else I could do.
Then it's probably not you.
Your person might need to catch up with you.
And so you just need to chill and keep on keeping on and just trust that when you meet
your spirit mate and you learn their story, you're going to go, oh, it was you.
I needed to wait for you.
And so I really want you to be patient now.
If you're not hitting it up with all cylinders and you're like, yeah, I got some areas to
work on.
Okay, cool.
No big.
You don't have to be perfect.
You just need to be moving forward.
So I don't want you to give up.
Like I don't want you to think I'm doing all the things.
It's not working.
So I must be doing something wrong or I'm not doing enough of it.
No, no.
And in my book on hope, I talk about Joshua and I'm actually writing about Joshua in my
paper.
Here's what I loved about Joshua.
You guys, Joshua was kind of like the little right hand, you know, next to Aaron.
He was like the little right hand guy to Moses.
So while Aaron was down kind of building the golden calf with all the Israelites, Joshua
was hanging out right outside the meeting tent, waiting for Moses to come back from
his visit with God.
So, he was the only one not connected to the mess that happened down there.
And he got to see what it was like for Moses to be face-to-face with God.
Fast forward, when they're only like 30 days into their trip, and they're ready to cross
over into the Promised Land, one of the places that they were checking out out of the 12
tribes, the 12 leaders, Joshua and Caleb are the only ones that are like, yeah, we believe
we can take this land.
Everybody else did not believe.
And so, it's this whole long story that happens in the book of Numbers.
But basically, that is why they're stuck for 40 years wandering the desert.
So Joshua gets stuck waiting for 40 years because of the mess up of everybody else around
them.
But God still had a plan for Joshua, and Joshua was actually going to be the next in line
after Moses, which is like a big deal.
So that's a very long way to say you might be living in the consequences of somebody
else's unhealthy choices, but that doesn't mean that God's not going to take you to the
Promised Land.
Does that make sense?
That was my long way to say that.
I want you to know that whatever you have done, whatever your spirit mate has done to
mess it up, whatever anybody else around you has done to hurt you or mess up a situation,
God's not going to leave you.
He's going to take you to their side.
If he has put this desire for marriage and a family in your heart, and you've checked
it all out with him, and you feel like this is what he's called you to do, he's going
to be there with you.
Okay, so, okay.
Now I'm ready for questions.
So now I want to see, because I know there was a bunch of stuff going on in the women's
post, and I don't know about the guy's post, of things that were going on, and a lot of
people said, bring that to the Ask Jackie for tonight.
So I definitely want you to feel like you can ask the question.
So start raising your hands.
Start raising your hands.
If you also want to do a speed dating round with me, because you've never done one before.
Let's see.
I'm just going to let ... Bethany wants to make sure I know what I'm doing, so I'm just
going to let her know.
She's being a mama bear right now, tell her that we're good.
You know what, you guys, I don't mind people checking up on me, because I can be very disorganized.
And so I always used to say to my staff, treat me like a child, and you guys can remind me
all the time that I'm supposed to be someplace, that did I forget my purse, where's my water
bottle, where's my keys?
So if you ever hang out with me in real life and you need to treat me like a child, I'm
never going to be offended by that.
Okay.
Let's see.
Okay.
Justin.
All right.
I love it.
You're up.
Get yourself off mute.
There we go.
Can you guys hear me okay?
Yes.
Hey, Renee.
I had a quick question.
Yeah.
If you happen to like a girl out in town, when is it appropriate to ask her if she's
single and ask her to go out?
It's kind of awkward.
Wait.
She's out of town, you said?
No.
When you're out and about doing running errands and stuff like that.
Now, are you talking about a complete stranger?
Yes.
Okay.
Have you had any conversation with her?
Did you small talk with her?
There was a girl that approached me while I was at Lowe's the other day.
I thought it might have been a dropped hanky, but she worked there, so I wasn't sure.
That's a great question.
I think we talked about this a couple of months ago.
Here's my tiny little advice.
Remember we talked about business cards.
You guys, I said have some business cards ready.
Justin, here's my silly little way that might be a good way.
Hey, you seem like a really sweet person.
This may sound really awkward and weird, but I would love to grab coffee with you and talk
to you a little bit more.
I don't even know if you're married, if you're single, if you're even looking.
If you're not, no big deal.
I won't be offended at all, but I just realized I don't want to miss the moment.
You could be a really great person, and I'd like to get to know you.
If she says, oh my gosh, yeah, that would be great, then you can have your phone number
ready to be able to easily hand her or give it to her.
If she says, oh my gosh, I'm working, if she gives you any excuse, you're like, no worries.
I just thought I would shoot my shot.
You know, and at the end of the day,
it just is a compliment to you
that you looked like a lovely person
who somebody wanted to get to know.
Cause you guys, like if somebody did that to me,
like I would be flattered.
And I remember there were times like,
actually the irony is the only time
that that's ever happened to me, Justin,
is when I was already seeing somebody.
Like it happened to the grocery store years ago.
And I'm like, where was this when I was single?
And so I think if you acknowledge
that it could be where like, at the risk of sounding weird,
I would, you know, you just seem super nice.
Of course, I don't know much about you
and you don't know much about me.
I would love to chat with you in person.
We can meet someplace super public.
It could be low-key, ice cream, coffee,
down the street, whatever.
If that's, if you are not interested like in dating anybody
or getting to know anybody in this time of your life,
that is totally okay.
So like hearing me say that,
does that sound like something
you can make your own version of?
Yeah, I think I can work something out.
I just need to think about it a little bit.
Yeah, I mean, I just want you to be brave
because I always wonder about that, Justin.
Like I always wonder about these kind of meek cues
I thought I had along the way.
And you're like, he doesn't say anything.
You don't say anything.
And you're like, eh, eh.
And I'm like, what do we have to lose?
Like, what do you really have to lose?
So even if she thinks you're a total creeper
and she's like, eh, eh, eh,
like she might go like, you know what, I'm working.
I really can't do that right now.
Oh my gosh, no problem, totally okay.
And so how you respond to the quote unquote rejection
will really like put her at ease, you know?
And so, and you can even end it with something like,
well, at least you know,
hopefully at least it made your day
that you caught somebody's eye
or you caught somebody's attention.
Cause I don't know about you guys,
but like when somebody compliments my hair or my makeup,
especially on a day that I don't feel
really great about myself,
who doesn't like to feel
like you caught somebody's attention?
And ladies, this applies to you too.
Like, you know, this could be like, like to his point,
she's like, I think she dropped a hanky.
Like a lot of times you think you're dropping the hanky
and you're so not clear at all.
I did have a private coach coaching session
and she was like, that was a total drop taken.
Like, no, that was barely a hanky.
Like the hanky was, it was a tissue floating in the air.
And so it is okay for you to say, you know,
what's your name, Justin, Justin, Justin, you know, gosh,
I'm going out on a limb and I might totally embarrass myself
but you seem like a really great guy.
I know this is crazy, but here's my business card.
I'd love to chat with you sometime.
I don't even know, whatever.
Like you do not need to call me back.
It's not going to be a thing.
It's all good.
But at the end of the day,
at least know you caught my eye.
Like kind of be willing to be vulnerable and silly
and a complete stranger who doesn't say yes to you
is just a complete stranger who doesn't say yes to you.
This is not somebody who is deciding
that you are not worthy.
So Justin, I love it.
Be brave, do it.
And in the next month I'm coaching,
I want to hear that you tried it with somebody.
You got it, no deal.
Ladies, give him like some reaction, clapping,
letting him know that we want him
and all the other men on here to do the brave thing, right?
We want y'all to do the brave thing.
And don't let those creepo weirdo ladies
who get offended,
like stop you from being kind and flirty.
Jennifer, where'd you go, Jennifer?
That was an accident.
I meant to send a clap.
Oh, okay.
Who wants to go next?
Leslie Davis, I might pick on you.
You said you're scared to death to try it again.
What are you afraid to try?
Where are you, Leslie?
What are you afraid to try?
The whole process of, you know,
the chitchat in the beginning,
get to know them, that you think they're great,
they present as great.
And then you get attached and months into it,
boom, they're not great.
Okay, so let's break that down a little bit
because you're expressing something
that I think a lot of people are struggling with.
So let's think about that.
That's why Jackie talks about like,
her and I were talking about that with Bethany this week.
We used to talk about the five levels of dating.
which was very, you know, Henry Cloud boundaries level,
which is like level two, level three.
And she's really trying to simplify it.
So she talks about how for the first month
is just curiosity.
You are just getting to know somebody.
So you should not be trying to form any attachments
in that first month.
In that second month is clarity.
So in my opinion, curiosity,
you are doing fun stuff with each other.
You're asking broad questions.
It would be no different than you deciding
if you like that girl that just got hired
and do you wanna hang out with her?
No different than a neighbor who just moved in next door
and you're just getting to know them.
The person that you might sit down next to at church,
you're just getting to know them.
So you're just curious
if you wanna keep talking to this person.
I think where we go awry is where in that first month,
there's a few things that click.
And so we take all the guidelines
and we just check them out the window
and we start praying with them
and we start talking about our divorces
and we start talking about our hopes and dreams.
And, you know, like we go,
we know those two hour calls turn into five hour calls.
And so then we're texting all day.
And so we create some kind of attachment with them
before we've gotten to chance to hang out with them
and before our people have had a chance to weigh in on them.
So remember, month one, you're just being curious.
That's why we tell you to be curious
with a number of people.
We encourage you not to text all day long.
You wanna give them a reason to call you
at the end of the day.
You wanna give them a reason to book a date.
In that second month, you are putting your best people,
your best godly married people in front of that person.
And so, and then you're not even thinking about commitment
until that third month.
Now I'm not saying that you're not exclusive
in that second month, you could be,
but I'm saying you're not even talking about like marriage
and hopes and dreams and values until that third month
after you've gotten past the, I think they're a nice person.
My people thinks that person is a nice person
and you've gotten a lot of thumbs up.
And so I remember, and I will say this to you guys,
and I felt this way about Brian.
And I think a lot of people who end up getting married
feel this way.
I remember we were eight weeks in, I was past the clarity.
I mean, I was past the curiosity, past the clarity.
He passed the test with a few of my people.
And I remember I was starting to say to people,
I think he could be the one.
I think he could be my husband.
But you know what?
For the first time I can honestly say,
if it's not him and I'm not his person
and he's not my person, I'm gonna be okay.
So he is like the first person
I learned how to secure attach with,
not avoid and attach, not anxious attach.
And so that's my encouragement to you, Leslie,
is watch your pacing with getting to know somebody.
Now, and you know, I mean, it's like Jackie kind of says
that those first 90 days, you guys are really critical.
And even though my relationship catapulted
after the first three months,
those first three months we really stayed true
to like the guidelines of what we were saying to each other
and how deep we were going.
Yes, can you date somebody longer than three months
and you start talking about commitment
and can the relationship end?
It can, but again, I would say
if you are doing healthy attachment with that person,
if you are not sleeping with that person,
if you are not creating a soul tie spiritually
with that person, you will be able to walk away
from the relationship without being destroyed.
You could be disappointed, but you won't be destroyed.
Does that make sense?
There's a difference between being destroyed
and disappointed.
So you could be disappointed.
I think for me, it was on the heels of a breakup.
And so the thought of shifting from the person
that you really did think that you were going
all the way with to God bless America,
now I'm starting over.
And I will say, I'm the queen of taking time off.
My last relationship, I sat out for about five months
before I got back in the game.
And that's when I met Brian.
And so for me, there's not a time limit on it,
but I knew if I still had that attitude of,
oh crap, I gotta like weed through
and get past the first stage.
Again, like I knew if that was my attitude,
then I wasn't ready to get back in the game.
Mostly, I don't want to be unfair to next.
Cause I mean, they're coming in maybe with good intentions
and you would hate to have in the back of your head,
like really, I'm still suffering here.
So let me.
Exactly, exactly.
How long were you with your person?
Well, it was not, it was definitely an unhealthy,
but a couple of years
and it should have not gone that far,
but either way it did.
And it is what it is.
Well, and I will say it is the longer,
the longer a relationship goes on unhealthy,
the longer your recovery might take.
And so for me, breaking up an unhealthy relationship
that only lasted three months,
cause right around the three month mark,
I was like, whoa, they're buttercup.
But if I dragged it out for two years,
that might take a lot more work to work through.
And the part that I would encourage you to make sure
whatever caused you to stay in the game so long
while it was unhealthy,
my suspicion is God's got some teeth.
He's got some gentle words for you of how to help you.
But I can assure you,
my suspicion is you would never lag again like that.
That's correct.
I joined LYS in the middle of the relationship.
Let me put it that way.
So I learned along the way,
but I was already in, you know, head first at that point.
And then there was moments where we would disconnect
and then reconnect
and I should have just left the disconnect.
It's hard, you guys,
when we've invested a lot of time with somebody,
the biggest issue I see with women
that I've been private coaching with
is when you've invested so much time,
I've seen so many women stay simply because,
and men, this might be you too,
where the thought of starting over is exhausting.
But I promise you staying in miserable is never the answer
and it's never the antidote to not starting over.
So girl, you got this.
I'm sorry that it dragged on,
but I've been saying this to everybody.
Every person that I've been coaching
that has dragged on a relationship
that shouldn't have been dragging on,
their next relationship has been their best relationship.
So I'm gonna be praying that for you,
that anybody, that that's how God's gonna redeem
and bend that time for you,
that you feel like you wasted all this time
in a situation ship,
you hung in there thinking it was gonna get better,
they were gonna get the healing and blah, blah, blah,
and you didn't wanna start over.
If you finally were brave enough to end those relationships
where you were getting maybe 50, 60% out of it,
get the healing that you need,
learn what your part of the story is.
I do believe you will date so much smarter
because of what you went through
that it's gonna actually get you to the other side faster.
So that's my word for you.
And you're gonna tell me before the end of the year,
you're gonna tell me some good story.
Okay, thanks.
You bet, Jeanette, for calling me out.
Hi, hi everybody.
So I agree with you,
I was in a relationship for nine and a half years
and I'm so glad I'm over it
and three years out, like not with that guy.
So I feel healed over those three years,
I've had, I don't know, maybe six or seven dates.
All of them were interesting and nice,
but they weren't my person and I left okay with it,
but I work a lot, I take care of my mom, you may know.
And so I haven't, I've been, I feel better now,
I feel like more intentional and not like working it
as a job, but I look on the apps and things like that.
I need some more money to pay for some actual apps
so that I'm feeling like it's a better app to be on,
but separately, so I just wanted to speak about that,
to see if you had anything specific
about what I could be doing differently,
because I am working a lot.
Okay, you guys, I want to say something.
Do you want to know, does anybody follow,
I might be showing my age, crazy busy mama,
crazy busy mama, Lori Conway,
she lives in Missouri, Minnesota,
one of those, Oklahoma, one of those little states.
And she's a big influencer,
she was married 25 years to her high school sweetheart
and her husband dropped dead, like suddenly,
at like 40 something years old.
And she has spent the last year,
two, well, he's been gone two years
and he has spent the last two years,
she's spent the last two years like literally mourning,
like cray cray.
And she now just finally,
she's been.
dating somebody that she just promoted on her socials.
She met him on Facebook dating.
Lisa Terzik, Lisa Terzik met her guy on Bumble.
And so you guys, we don't need a big,
I met my person on Facebook dating.
Right.
Bethany met her guy on Facebook dating.
So I don't want you guys to think
that you need to be on five apps or expensive app.
Like, I believe that if you do it with consistency
and with joy, while you continue to do other things,
God will get him on that app for you.
Like, he's gonna get it to you.
He's gonna get it to you.
And so just do like, but remember you guys,
if you're gonna do apps, I talk about this all the time,
do apps easy.
Pick one, check it in the morning.
Only like, like for girls,
only like the guys that like you first,
because then you know, they already think you're cute
and wait for them to reach out to you.
Do not waste your time reaching out first,
let them reach out to you.
If you want a man who is pursuing you,
he's doing the work.
If he likes you, you like him back,
let him make that first connection.
I spent so much time not chasing after men
who didn't like me first,
not chasing after men who didn't comment first.
For me, none of those worked.
So I just stopped doing it.
It just was like, the data wasn't in my favor.
So I just stopped doing it.
I only responded to who reached out to me.
And within a week, I was demanding,
demanding, requesting a video or an in-person date.
If we weren't gonna get it, I'd be like,
hey, we're probably not in the same place
in our dating season.
I wanna date in real life.
So I wish you well, bye-bye.
And then you only go out with those people.
It really makes it so much faster
and easier to weed through.
And I did have a few canned answers in my notes
that I would cut and paste in.
So I didn't have to like repaint and type
some of the same things.
And usually my standard answer with a lot of questions,
as you guys know, is that's a really great question.
I think it would be better and more appropriate
to do on video chat.
I would love to video chat with you.
And that's gonna save a lot of time and energy.
So I want you to have the mindset
that if you can only afford one
and, or you have to get on a free one,
God will bring them to you.
He'll bring them to you at the grocery store.
He will bring them to you through anything.
I wanna say something about that
because I had felt on and off frustrated
that I didn't have the money
or like for whatever stupid reason,
my Google pay was not working with my debit card
on the dating apps.
I was having so much struggle trying to do it.
I'm like, I can't do this.
This is ridiculous.
It's not working.
So I'm not gonna fuss about it.
I'm just gonna stick with the Facebook dating
and the other free ones that I've been on.
And, but what I wanted to talk about besides that,
thank you, I've listened and remembered what you've said,
Renee, and I have done what you've said.
I am not getting discouraged anymore
that men aren't liking me or they're not responding me.
I'm not giving that extra.
I do not have extra minutes to waste in my precious day.
I have everything.
I don't like that my day is the way that it is, but it is.
So I'm giving the amount of time that I have to it
around everything else.
But what I wanted to speak about was that a few days ago,
I met a gentleman on TikTok.
I am barely ever on TikTok.
And anyways, we chatted for a few times
and then I decided to go ahead and say,
he started giving some more information
and I was like, well, why don't we talk on the phone?
Would you like to give me your phone number?
So he did.
So then we start messaging and he sounds really great
and very intentional and I'm excited.
I'm thinking, oh, this is nice.
Well, I went ahead and it was like only two days.
So I went ahead and called him the next day.
Renee, he speaks Spanish, but he speaks English
and I can barely understand him.
So I was a little frustrated and I'm like, okay,
interesting, I don't know what I'm gonna do
with this right now, but I'm gonna go ahead
and let him try and explain himself or whatever.
So we had a few conversations and then like the next day,
he's blowing up my phone.
Hey, sweetheart, hey, beautiful, how's your day?
And I message him back.
I'm like, listen, I'm a swim coach.
I'm in the water.
I don't get back to my phone till eight o'clock
and you're wondering where I am.
And so like you were saying,
someone blowing up your phone like that, it's not necessary.
We've talked for a day and a half.
Like it's too much.
Okay, but let me, could I just pause you for a second?
So this is something that I don't recommend.
This is why I do not recommend going to cell phones.
This is why I don't recommend that as the next step.
I don't care if it's your own phone or a Google voice.
It gives them too much, A, you continue the texting.
thing. Yeah. Or you call on the phone and you still don't see
him. And it still give and then it what it does is it gives them
immediate access to you. That is why I go from an app to either a
live day or a video date. And I send a zoom link because I want
them to have access to my phone. Yeah. Okay. So you need to do is
say, hold on there buckaroo. Hold on. Let's go ahead. Like I
don't want to get in this text all day call all day thing.
Let's go ahead and book since you've already given me your
number. Can we FaceTime? Can we get on Facebook Messenger? Let's
do a quick video. Let's schedule it. I'm not going to be able to
respond to your text until after we have our meeting. I'm really
busy this week. Yeah, you kind of nip that behavior in the butt.
That's good. I want I'm glad you reminded me of that. But the
other two things I wanted to ask what your opinion was. I'm in
Florida. He's in Georgia. And I'm like, and so when he did
message me a few days ago and say, you know, you didn't really
respond to me after a really nice conversation for a day and
a half. And now you haven't gotten back to me. I really want
to know your thoughts. And I'm like, Oh, dear Lord. So I read I
went ahead and told him, Look, I can barely understand you. I'm
not really sure how we're going to communicate when we're so far
away. We've not met that. I don't I don't feel comfortable
with that.
What's your question?
So I'm wondering how to like, I'm glad you said I and I did
ask him should can would you would you be willing to do the
video dates, you know, calls and, and in person because I'm
not wanting to do extended texting. And he said yes. So my
question is, is, if I'm already getting these flags kind of in a
way, should I just end it? Because I'm not in a feeling of
like, I'm desperate in the scarcity mode of like, there's
no good guys. Yeah, I want to be open at the same time. Like,
hey, he sounds like a nice guy. But I'm not sure how the barrier
of the English, you know, language and
feel like the the distance in the language, and his intensity
is too much, then it's okay to walk away. You guys, you should
feel like green flags. Yeah, you feel like especially in the
beginning, if you're like, unless it's your own trigger
happening, but if it's someone coming on full court press, and
you are already coming up with five reasons why it's not going
to work. Who cares? Like, if you were him, I might tell you to
give him a chance. But if he's already long distance already
has an English barrier, and he's kind of being pushy. Move it
along. Yeah, move it along. All right. Was that your other
question? Yeah, thank you. I need to be more intentional.
Like you said about, let's go to a video date, and no phone
number. I haven't done that. But I am. I am also busy. And so I
haven't hardly had any dates. And I haven't had that many
likes. But I'm also not feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with
myself. It's just what's going on right now. Yeah. So I'm not
sure if there's anything different I could be doing.
No, I mean, I just think, I think if you're going to have
low stakes energy, you guys have low stakes energy and how you
respond to men. Like don't rise up. If someone if you're trying
to come in with a level two or three energy of how you're
dating, you're like, I'm gonna be chill about this. I might be
a little snarky, I might be a little fun. If any guy or girl
starts to elevate your energy, and you're starting to get
stressed and panicked and pushed, then then you don't want
to be talking to that person. You want to be staying at this
calm energy. Especially in the beginning, when you're just
matching with people to stay calm. Don't try to over and
don't try to overanalyze a stranger. Just go next. All
right, Pauline.
Oh, sorry. I wanted to ask one more question. I'm sorry.
Hey, no, no, no. Actually, you know what, I have a lot of
people with their hand raised right now. So I will let you
come back in when there's none. Okay. And I will, I'll let you
come back in. Pauline, go ahead.
Hi, Renee. Hi, everyone. Pauline, I'm in Singapore. So
very glad to be able to be on these calls. So quick question.
Thank you. Quick question. Do you have any guidelines, or
tools or exercises that you will share with us to help us in you
know, the recovery phase, the grieving phase? After we've come
up, come out of say, like an exclusive relationship or a
relationship like, Leslie was sharing? Yeah, because I've, I
realized in my own journey, that what I typically do to work
through my grief is talk to people just talk to God about,
you know, as and when emotions come, I'll be like, God, what on
earth was that, you know, and just kind of talk to him. But I
still find myself, I guess, kind of feeling impatient, or kind of
feel like some parts of the grief still comes up. Sometimes
comes up sometime down the road.
And I'm kind of wondering, like, so am I actually ready to go back into dating or not?
Because...
So I'm so glad that you asked me this question because I just finished a whole semester of
grief and loss counseling.
So I'm going to share you some noodles that I learned.
So here's the first thing we have to know about grief.
Grief is not linear.
So grief is going to come in waves.
And just because...
And like, I was telling you about that widow who's now dating this guy.
She still desperately grieves her husband that died.
She's actually holding space for grief and a relationship in both hands.
So the first thing I'm going to encourage you guys to do when you have to grieve, grieve.
Lament.
If you don't know how to lament, go read the book of Lamentations.
The book of Lamentations is a great way and a great model of lamenting before the Lord.
And in that stage of lamenting, a lot of times, men and women, we want to learn what we did
right and wrong in the relationship.
We don't lament first.
We think we're lamenting, but it's usually this, God, why did this happen?
When was I supposed to learn?
And so like, we're trying to learn.
Like, so we're in our head.
And so lament is in your heart and in your soul.
So you want to make sure you're taking your time to lament, cry, be sad, listen to worship
music, paint, walk barefoot in the sand, in the dirt, get grounding, do a yoga class.
Whatever you normally do to grieve and soothe your soul.
I'm sorry, these stupid benzolines, I still feel like I got spit in my mouth.
Soothe your soul, do that, get a massage, light a candle, burn incense, go to a movie
with a friend, watch a Netflix comedian that makes you do silly laughter.
So first grieve, lament, cry, do what you need to do, and then do what soothes you.
So lament, then soothe your soul, then, not till you're done with that, then you can go
to the Lord and say, Lord, what is my side of the street on what happened in this relationship?
I'm not here to dissect him or her, their unhealth, their crap, what didn't work.
This is my part.
Open up to me, start to reveal to me the part you wanted me to learn in this relationship.
What were you trying to teach me?
What are you trying to teach me?
And let that unfold.
Don't go digging it up.
You know how Jackie and Bethany always talk about in the heart work, we're not supposed
to go digging stuff up.
So if you feel like nothing's coming up, let it go.
Just say, okay, God, I'm not feeling like you're telling me yet, so I might not be ready
to hear what you have to say to me yet.
So I'm going to go back to lamenting, I'm going to go back to soothing, and I'm going
to go back to caring for myself.
You only want to step back in the dating game if you can go on a date without being cynical
or scared.
You want to make sure that you can go into a new date with curiosity.
You're willing to be curious again.
So if you can go start dating again, this really kind of leads back into Leslie's question.
If you can go and be curious and not be cynical or afraid, then you can date.
But that doesn't mean while you're already starting to be curious with new people that
you still don't hold space to grieve and lament when it comes back up, and then soothe and
care for yourself.
And then ask again, okay, Lord, last week you didn't give me anything.
I'm asking again, is there something you want me to learn in this situation?
Is there an area that I need to grow in?
And then if you feel like you're really still not, you know, this is where one-on-one counseling
or therapy or pastoral care can kind of come in, or a trusted mentor, like, you know, Carol,
you watch me just walk out that relationship with Rick.
What do you think the Lord might have for me?
I'm not feeling anything from the Lord.
I trust what the Lord might tell you.
What do you think?
So I think all of those things can help you grieve, help you soothe, help you laugh, and
help you be open again.
But I do think it's okay to hold sadness and grief and joy in two hands.
Does that help?
Yeah, that's helpful.
But I think because in my situation, there was also this element of, because as part
of my relationship advisory circle, which was something that Jackie shared with us to
set up in the book club, one of the members in my advisory circle is prophetic and I relied,
I mean, not relied on, but I relied on the Lord and I relied on the Lord to help me.
but we constantly kind of like regularly we talk to each other and and so he would share with me
So I think that's helpful.
Yeah.
um about if he if he gets a sense that if this person is God's will or not you know that sort
Yeah.
of thing and so I know I know to test the word and so I'm kind of like really frustrated and
confused in the by the recent experiences because the one that I was told that it's God's will for
me turned out to be someone who really hurt me and and really brought up core wounds that
just you know just suddenly erupted and then of course it didn't work out I took time to grieve
I took break from dating uh here's what here's what you bring up a good point you guys here's
what I can say about God's will and prophetic words I stayed in one of those I stayed in one
of the worst relationships I ever was in because of the prophetic word that came with it and it was
like he matched all the signs all the signs from prophesy your year and it was like ah and so a
prophetic word has to be tested and it has to be I mean and not every prophetic word in is correct
a um sometimes what we think is God's will was just ours and so sometimes and also the third
is maybe God did want that union and match but we live in a world of free will so the Lord could
have wanted somebody for us and if that person walked with the Lord and we walked with the Lord
then we could have had this really great relationship but if that other person chose to
sin and walk away from God's best then he's no longer the right or she is no longer the right
match for us and so God will allow that relationship to fall apart so God's only
going to want a relationship to stay together where we're both people are aligned with God
but if he starts to see somebody fall away he's going to be like I got to get Renee on a rescue
mission here and so I don't know if that's answering your question about God's will and stuff
and it does it this is why I get really like I feel like we need to be very careful about using
prophetic words on is somebody God's will or not because I also believe and Jackie says this all
the time that there's not just one right person for you that God's actually going to give you
a number of people to choose from that are part of his God's will for you because he you know he's
the God of free will and choice and so there's not just one guy that he has for you Pauline
he has probably a few healthy men and he's hoping if you guys can join together and be healthy
together then that is his will it's not going to be his will if somebody falls out of favor with God
and falls into sin and so I would just say and then whenever somebody's giving you a prophetic
word about something it should never override how the relationship is going if the relationship is
not moving forward if you are not getting confirmation from healthy people in your life
if you are not feeling like that person is the safest person in your world then
then I just feel like a prophetic word will come in alignment with everything else everything else
should be clicking but I'm really sorry you went through that and I know that pain
I know that pain and I'm super super sorry for you thank you you bet all right well you
may not be good yet but you're gonna be great Stephanie asked a really great question which was
what do you think had the greatest influence in you attaching securely for the first time was it
spending was it something in him or was it shift in you it was both it was both so I finally got
to a place in my life after four years in the program after what happened what happened with
the guy before Brian was so unhealthy it was so scary and I felt so committed to especially because
I was on the teaching team you guys like I felt like if I failed at this program then who was I
to be teaching you all so I think I put a lot of pressure on the relationship to force something to
happen and I think after I took a few months off and I even took if you guys remember I also took a
few months off from the program I stopped teaching I focused on seminary like I kind of had to pull
myself completely out and I got to the place where I'm like Lord you know what I don't want
to say that I'm content being single because I'm not I still believe you've called me to be marriage
I believe I'm going to have a kingdom marriage I believe I'm going to have a ministry with my
husband I believe that but I also realize I'm an amazing person I have good a good family I've got
great friends I've got great dreams and
I am not going to date anybody anymore.
That's not a hell yeah.
Like that's not just, you know how she says it's a yes until it's a no.
It needs to be a heck yes.
And I was deciding that with all of my relationships, I had done the work to realize I wasn't just
unhealthy attaching to men.
I was unhealthy attaching to bosses, to female friends.
Like I was like the anxious, you know, avoidant.
Like I was an anxious girl and I was attaching to, I was attaching to unhealthy people and
I was letting all the unhealthy people leave my life.
And I was only allowing people in my circle, my close circle that appeared really healthy.
And here, here's how I knew it appeared really healthy.
They gave me peace and they were safe and I didn't need to be codependent with them.
I didn't need to do the heavy lifting.
So I shifted my posture and then when I met Brian, I met Brian at the same time I met
like a handful of guys, but Brian felt safe.
Brian wasn't pushing me.
Brian was pursuing me and Brian, I mean, he'll say the same thing.
He'll say Renee is the first person that I felt safe with.
She was the first person that I could ask for what I needed, even if it came out clunky.
And so I think he was at the right place in his life.
I was at the right place in my life and we both felt safe together.
And we were like, oh, what's this?
It's so calm.
Wow.
I don't know how it happened.
So it was a combination of both of us getting healthy at the same time.
And it was really me just saying, you know what, Lord, unless it's amazing, I don't want
to be married.
I'm good.
Now, that doesn't mean I was content with that because I hate when people use that phrase
content in the singleness.
Like I still mourned it.
I was still sad at Christmas when I was alone and I was still sad at New Year's.
So I still had my lament.
Like I just said to Pauline, I still had lament moments, but that didn't mean I was going
to desperately make it happen just for this program, just so I can say it happened just
for whatever reasons.
I hope that answered the question a little bit.
Brittany Johnson, you're up.
Hi.
So I have a question and maybe I missed this while I was looking at like phase two, like
the videos about attachment styles, but this is just a general question.
I wanted to know how can you identify if someone has an avoidant attachment style within
the three months?
I've noticed the past couple of people I've dated, they were avoidant and they didn't
feel at some point down the line, didn't feel emotionally safe, especially I was in my previous
level three relationship.
So I just wanted to know how could you identify that within like three months or so?
So here's what I've noticed from pure avoidance.
Pure avoidance actually come on pretty strong, almost like an anxious attachment person.
They're wanting to lock you in into a relationship pretty quickly.
They're going to start sharing all the feelings.
So anxious and avoidant look pretty similar in the front end because they both kind of
come in hot and they're feeling a lot of intensity.
What usually happens with avoidance though is pretty early on, they might start dropping
comments that will warn you that they're not good enough, that other people have left them,
that like full stop and you're going to think they're being honest.
Like you're going to think, oh my gosh, he just told me all his wounds.
That's so great.
He's so self-aware.
But if somebody starts self-deprecating in the first month, it's either somebody who's
unhealthy or it's their avoidant starting to like create the distance for you.
And what they're kind of hoping is going to happen is that you actually break up with
them before they break up with you.
So I would say avoidance come in hot, they get you all hooked and then the second they
feel like you're hooked, you'll start to slowly see it ebb away.
An anxious attacher is going to do kind of like what Jeanette was talking about.
If you don't respond fast enough, they're already asking you stuff.
They're already like, they're needing to talk to you all the time.
You can never give them enough reassurance.
They're just kind of coming in hot and they cling in closer.
But that's why Jackie would say to you, clarity or curiosity the first month, clarity the
second month, and having your friends kind of check in.
Usually avoidance will not want to meet your people.
Avoidance aren't going to want to meet your people.
They're going to want to create a world that's just you and them.
And so that's why like start in that second month having your people meet him and having
you meet their people.
Every avoidant I ever dated did not want me to meet their people and they didn't want
to meet my people.
Because that would kind of put them on the hook a little bit.
Yeah.
That's good.
And that's, that's good.
Cause I was thinking about like, even like said, like the past couple of relationships
I was in.
I know personally for me, I would wait around like month three or four to try to bring them
around.
And then by then that avoidant would end up breaking up with me.
And I know for me, I was like, wait, I'm missing something.
And so I've been out of my previous relationship for four months now and I'm just taking a
dating break because I'm still working through some things and I have some work stuff that
I'm just trying to get like settled in with.
But I did notice like, oh, I missed something early on because I'm a secure attacher and
I was not always like that at all.
I used to be avoidant too.
And I still do with family members who are avoidant.
So but it looks completely different because it's not a romantic relationship, obviously.
Yeah.
And I will say I started secure attaching with non-romantic people first.
And that's probably what made it better with Brian was because I'd already learned, oh,
this is what a secure friendship with a girl is like.
This is what a secure attachment is with a boss.
Like so I actually got to experience secure not with Brian so that when it was with Brian,
I was like, oh, because and I'm glad I did because I probably would have thought it was
boring.
I probably if I secured attached with Brian before everybody else, I might have thought
I wasn't interested enough.
There wasn't enough spark.
There wasn't enough chemistry going on.
But yeah, it started to learn with secure attachment with other people.
I was like, oh, this isn't boring.
This is healthy.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And to your point, though, so I didn't put Brian in front of my family until month three.
So the people I put in front of him were some godly couples that I had a relationship with,
but they weren't even my best posse.
They were just a couple godly couples in the church that I said, look, I got to like start
putting people I date in front of people sooner because clearly my pick are still back.
So and I so and I basically just said like, hey, you know, Brian, we met online.
There's so much we don't know about each other.
I would love us to both have, you know, have each other meet socially with some of our
friends.
These are not my posse.
These are not my family members just to kind of start the ball rolling.
So that's what I did in month two is my in fact, my family said to me, I don't want to
run a year.
We can't even keep up with all the people you're dating.
Like that's about when if you think you love this guy, you think you really like this guy.
That's what we'll be ready to meet.
So I waited a month, three to meet his family and him meet my family.
And I'm praying for you, girl.
I'm sorry you went through that.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Candy.
OK.
Yes.
Hi.
Yeah.
I have a questions about when the when the first month of curiosity, how can I not sounds
like interrogating the person?
That's really good because you guys, it was so funny.
My cousin said to me like she was dating this guy at the time and I apparently did it not
even with people that I was trying to date.
And so I met her boyfriend and I at one point he goes, oh my God, I feel like I'm on a job
interview.
You're stressing me out.
And I was like, crap, I really do that.
So I've learned to keep the questions more philosophical, bigger, lighter.
And I don't fire a lot of questions in one sitting.
I let them marinate.
And I'm actually learning that as a chaplain.
Like when I go to a visit with somebody, when they tell me something, I've got 20 questions
ready.
Like I want to know all the answers with it.
And I'm learning that I don't need to know all of the answers on a given topic in the
in that one conversation.
So I might go into a date going, what are some, what are three to five fun questions
or.
Good, you know, or maybe what's three fun questions to a little bit harder that I want
to ask in this date tonight.
And no matter what their answer is, I'm not going to ask them to explain more.
And those first dates, like they might say something like, well, you know, this happened
to me when I was a child and I think this impacted me.
Wow.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I'm learning.
I started to learn how to say, well, thank you so much for sharing.
Now I might go home and make a note of it, like, okay, at some point you need to ask
this dude about this.
Like you need him to explain this.
But I'm trying, I was, I, and I'm trying to do this in counseling sessions too.
I stop asking follow-up questions so much.
I let their answer breathe.
And so sometimes I just say, oh wow, thank you for sharing.
So sometimes I've learned, thank you for sharing and holding space allows them to give
you more information if they want to, without you actually having, asking them to give you
more information.
So paste your questions.
If you come in with normally with 10, ask five and keep, you know, at least two of the
five funny.
And if they give you a really good answer, like, wow, thank you so much for sharing.
I'm sure at some point we'll be, we could talk more about that.
That was such a good answer.
I would love to know more, but we don't have to talk about that now.
It's, it is being patient and letting the content come out and being silent sometimes.
And if they feel comfortable with you, Candy, they're going to start telling you without
you having to ask.
Right.
They did, they did mention, they did talk about, but then they get too deep into it.
Right.
So in the beginning, we have to be willing to sit in the tension of them not going too
deep.
We don't want them to go too deep in the beginning.
But they, if, but if he is going too deep, what should I, should I stop him?
Oh yeah.
You can go, yes.
If, if, if you feel like somebody is getting too deep, you can just say, and this is why
I'm, I'm a visual learner, right?
Whoa.
I literally do this.
Whoa, whoa.
Can we just take a timeout?
That is such great information.
I love talking to you too.
And we clearly seem really comfortable with each other, but I could tell we're starting
to go down to a too deep of a level.
Let's put a pin in it.
That's my favorite phrase.
Let's put a pin in that.
And let's get back to that, that I think we're getting a little too deep and heavy tonight.
So if he starts sharing, let's say if he starts sharing about his marriages and stuff like
that.
I have one time that I talked to the guy, he started, he said he has married twice and
divorced twice.
And then he started sharing and I said, well, and then he started asking me questions.
Then I said, well, normally I don't really.
Yeah.
So I redirect the, redirect the answer.
So just say, hey, you know what?
I actually don't want to know tonight why you got divorced.
What her role in, is it?
The only thing I'm actually curious about is what did you learn about yourself in the
divorce or what did you learn about yourself from the divorce that you're going to take
into your next relationships?
What have you learned about yourself that you will take into your next relationships?
Because I don't even want to say, what did you learn about yourself?
Cause then it's going to still turn into what they did or didn't do in the marriage.
What did you learn and how is that going to teach you to do something different going
forward?
So you're redirecting them.
And now if they say to you, and now, and I'll say this, take notice if they don't have an
answer for that.
If they don't have an answer for what did you learn and what are you going to do different?
Then they still haven't done the work and, or they still blame her or him or the divorce.
And so you want to make sure they've gotten to a place where, you know, they can say,
you know what?
In my relationships, I realized I was not good at communicating.
So going forward, I want to be a better communicator and I need to learn how to speak up sooner.
I need to not wait until I'm frustrated.
I know I need to be able to have hard conversations, even if it's going to hurt somebody's feelings.
Like you're looking for them to talk about that.
And so if they can't, then you're just going to say something like, well, you know what?
As we go forward and getting to know each other, that is actually something that I would
find way more valuable to learn about you than what went wrong in the marriage.
I really want to know what you'd like to do different this time, because I feel like it's
more important for us to glean what we've learned and how we're going to change going
forward.
But sometimes people just don't know any better.
So we kind of have to help them stop.
So sometimes I've literally had to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.
And that usually helps.
You bet, Tammy.
Thank you.
Rachel there, Tammy?
Okay, did I answer Crystal Parrott's question,
how do you not get attached when you get to know somebody?
Crystal, do you feel like I answered your question?
And I definitely think Brandon gave a good answer.
The best way to not get attached
is to not future talk too much, is stay in the present.
So my biggest thing,
when you are first getting to know somebody in month one,
you are getting to know who they are today
and where they're going.
This is not, if you're gonna find out about their past,
you might wanna find out that they were a baseball player
or they went to Denver, Colorado, whatever.
How you not get attached is you stay in the present
with your conversation, you do not future talk
and you do not past talk.
You don't do spiritual,
like you don't start praying together.
You don't start doing a lot of physical stuff
and you definitely don't daydream.
And you also watch your communication.
Don't text all day long, 500 times a day,
like pace yourself.
So hopefully that gives you some answers.
Y'all, I was good at daydreaming.
I mean, I used to be like,
I used to live a whole nother life in my head.
It was amazing.
Yeah, it's hard.
You guys, it's hard not to.
Okay, Sarah, Sarah Wattle.
Hi.
I'm actually new to phase three, so I'm loving this call.
Thank you.
And speaking of daydreaming too much,
I think that's kind of the root of my question here.
So it's a specific scenario I have
and I've been working, trying to work through it
with one of the coaches.
Thank you.
Anyway, so there's a guy at work, newer guy,
and I just am trying to kind of figure out what to do here.
So I'm trying to get down to what my actual question is.
But when he started, there was some flirting.
He would seek me out for certain things,
help and all that.
And we were getting along well,
getting to kind of know each other a little bit.
At the beginning of last month, he liked me on Bumble.
Like I saw, I pay so I could see who likes first
or whatever, and I liked him back.
Waited a couple of days.
I sent a message or I waited a couple of days to like him
and send a message.
And we had a couple exchanges back and forth
and then nothing.
And at about that time, his work,
so I've been in my department for a while
and he's new and we're peers more or less.
And his work started picking up
and he traveled for several weeks straight and all of that.
And so I'm telling myself maybe that's what it is.
And anyway, he's been back in the office a few times,
still nothing.
I've at this point deleted or unmatched
because I'm tired of being anxious and thinking about it.
And I've been trying to get over him.
Ebony also suggested that I kind of do like a 30 day
fast from dating in general,
which I'm trying to work through.
Normally I would like try to find someone new to date
to get over thinking about this, right?
But anyway, I was starting to try to kind of get over this
and thinking about him.
And then today I had a surprise and had to present to him
and like two other people for over two hours.
And it was just, it was a surprise
and I was nervous about it.
It went well, but then he was like telling me stuff
about how he's just had to travel for four weeks straight
and after next week he should be able to have more time,
more time to relax.
And so I just have this hope in my head
that like something's still gonna happen,
but I feel like I'm just gonna setting myself up
for failure here.
I'm trying to figure out why I cannot move on from this.
I don't know why it bothers me so much.
So it's, you guys probably work in too close
of a proximity at work to be dating.
That's gonna be my, I used to be a boss.
I used to date.
I just don't believe you should fish off a company pier.
That's what we called it back in the day
is don't go fishing off the company pier.
You were in a building of a thousand employees
and you ran into him every now and then in the cafeteria.
So I actually think he,
and so he might be doing a little bit of this,
wait a second, we don't just work the same company.
we are going to run into each other.
So I will tell you, it is probably not safe
for you guys to date.
So I don't know if that alone helps you.
I got to plug in.
I don't know if that alone helps you stop daydreaming.
So it is possible he went through this mental exercise
which, wow, she's kind of cute.
In a normal situation, I would give her a chance
or I would see how this would play out.
But I just started this job.
I can't afford for it to go awry.
And so, and I don't know.
I mean, Ebony's coaching you.
So I wouldn't want to tell you to do something.
She's saying potentially it could be the same thing.
I don't know that.
Here's the reason why I don't want you
to take a dating fest.
That gives him way too much power.
That gives this situation
that didn't even get off the ground way too much.
You take a 30-day dating fest
with somebody you broke up with,
not somebody that you exchanged a couple texts with.
And so what you're, and I get it,
like you're kind of-
And I think she saw, I'm being high level right now.
I think she saw some extra anxiety
that I'm potentially not showing on this call with everyone.
So-
That's why I'm saying I don't want to jump that.
And she knows more than I do.
I will say this, that is something that's worth,
and you guys always,
like when we start to get anxious about something,
that is always our opportunity to go like,
all right, I do a feelings chart.
When you're getting anxious,
there's a little fear,
and usually fear means you need help.
So find out where you need God's help right now.
So anxiety is something is happening
that's out of your control.
So it's making you a little fearful.
So are you afraid you're gonna get rejected?
Are you afraid he's gonna think that you're something?
Are you afraid he's gonna have
a negative opinion about you?
So maybe if you're feeling anxious,
write down every possible thing that you're afraid of.
And chances are 80, statistically 90%
of what we're afraid of never comes to pass.
Yeah, that's true.
So you can look at that list
and start knocking them all off.
And then you might take one that says,
he just didn't think I was cute enough.
Okay, if that's the worst answer that came out of this,
that's like, okay, but he doesn't even know me.
Like he hasn't even gone out on a date with me yet.
He doesn't even know me.
And so whatever.
So in general, I'm not gonna be a fan
of you trying to date somebody who just started a job
and you guys are gonna cross over that much.
It's probably not good for either one of you.
I know.
I was so hopeful.
We have a lot of couples in our department,
which is probably weird to begin with,
but I think I just totally got my head totally daydreaming.
And now I'm like, how do I stop this?
How do I stop this?
The daydreaming part.
Yeah, I mean, how do you stop the daydreaming?
Oh, golly.
There was, you guys, I had a board member
I daydreamed about for so long,
it's embarrassing to tell you.
Let's just say it was years.
I mean, and here's the bummer.
He was just enough friendly and flirty
that it kept it going.
Yes.
That's the problem with a daydreamy guy.
That's what happened today, yes.
They're just enough friendly and flirty.
So we have to speak out loud to ourself.
What is true, like, you know, in Jackie's famous phrase,
if a man is interested in you, he will cut off his arm
and he will use it as an oar to swim upstream to you.
Yeah, yeah.
So if he's not doing that for us
or she's not doing that for us,
we are not dreaming about them.
And then we start to, you know,
where does your mind go when it's idle?
That becomes your idol.
So we don't wanna make this guy become your idol.
And so we wanna ask God to just like, you know,
literally get up and go take a walk.
Like when you see him pinch yourself,
like, I mean, I don't know what you gotta do, girl.
Like, whatever you gotta do to snap yourself out of it,
even it's, snap yourself out of it, girl.
Like, I mean, like, just like do something goofy.
Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap the rubber band.
Like I know somebody has snapped a rubber band
on their wrist, like something that's gonna be,
and like have a verse ready or have a mantra.
Like, what's true is I don't know anything about him yet.
That's what's true.
And Sarah, we're gonna trust
that your guy is gonna be clear.
and he's not gonna make you anxious.
Yeah.
If I've taught, if I reminded you guys anything tonight
is your guy or girl is not gonna cause you anxiety.
I just don't believe that.
I'm not saying it's not gonna be hard.
I'm not gonna say that you're not gonna have hurdles
to go through, but it's not gonna cause you anxiety.
Your person is not gonna cause you anxiety.
All right, girl.
I'm so glad to have you in phase three.
Welcome aboard.
Thanks.
As blunt as Jackie, not quite, but almost.
That's good, thank you.
Brandon, you're up.
Hey, Renee.
Hey.
So I have two questions that you've managed to trigger
in the space of an hour.
I wasn't even gonna have any questions today,
but I will not be offended if you limit me to one.
So-
You can ask two.
I just, at the time I had a lot of hands
and so we're good.
Okay.
So real quick, everybody else is sharing with strangers.
So I'm going to rise to the occasion, do the same.
So my question is, so I recently had a dating experience.
I did worse than date someone at my job.
I dated someone at my church.
I'm so sorry.
I don't think that's bad, but you know.
Oh, I do.
I do now.
It's, well, hey, when a Southern Baptist pastor
shows a willingness to set people up,
you kind of have a parade and you know,
you jump and you take advantage of it
because that doesn't happen in that denomination
for various reasons.
It's very rare.
So I was set up by my pastor
with someone who was really impressive.
This was last fall.
She was a very impressive gal for a lot of reasons.
And to keep it short, I ended up saying no
to the relationship and she kind of struggled with that.
So let me clarify, did you go on a number of dates
with her before you made this decision?
I went on two dates and had some other opportunities
to interact with her because we're not only at church,
we're in two, we're also on the worship ministry.
Yeah, okay.
So she, and it was a tough call for me because-
So she got that upset after only two dates?
Okay, not too upset.
I'll give you a little context on that.
I'm still trying to figure out just, you know,
was it a red flag that she did with you?
Anyway, so she is, if you know what a polymath is,
she was one.
She was very impressive.
She's a homeschool mom of four.
She's a first responder.
She's a professional archer.
She's an amazing vocalist and just a lot of stuff.
And just kind of being on the same spiritual frequency
and kind of the same, we read a lot of the same books
was really nice.
So we went on a couple of dates, got a chance to,
got a couple of, a chance to talk
and kind of hash things around.
And I felt very safe and very welcome with her,
which was a nice change, honestly, because it was really cool
and yet I was struggling because I just felt,
I just felt there was something there that wasn't there.
Now to have context, about 10 years ago,
I had a relationship with somebody
that was also very impressive,
but I didn't have a spark for it.
You know, I, you know, I wasn't chewing my arm off for her,
even though she was, she was awesome.
And that got, that got real, that got real icky.
It got real icky because, you know, that just wasn't there.
And I think she sensed it, right?
And, you know, you and Jackie and all,
you've talked a lot about, you know,
women can sense when the arm chewing isn't there.
Yeah.
You know, and it comes out a lot of ways.
It comes out as the guy not being certain of his pursuit,
not texting a lot, not reaching out a lot.
And that, you know, sometimes that's just the guy
thinking you're really impressive,
but not experiencing a spark.
And so I made the decision last Thanksgiving to,
I was just going to,
I thought about it long and hard, prayed about it.
I'm like, this gal is pretty dark.
She was divorced, but-
So I'm just curious, Brandon, why was she a no?
What?
Why did you-
Just, I was just hitting that.
Okay.
Just because of that, just because I was,
I was thinking about it long and hard
and just the quality of her kids, I thought,
settled, thought about her too, a lot.
But, you know, I just looked, I looked down at my arm
and I just, it didn't look appetizing.
And I just kind of had to say,
I can see this getting real icky
if I just don't make a call.
And so I just made a call and I just-
decided to say no.
And I went to her,
talked it over with her,
told her I thought she was really awesome,
but that I just wanted to stay friends.
And that's what I said.
So I'm still curious what,
so she's an impressive human
and you weren't,
so you weren't feeling like,
you weren't always in the mood to call her.
Like you weren't wanting to call her
and see her and get to know more.
Yeah.
Even though conversation was definitely comfortable.
What do you think was missing?
Do you know?
No.
Okay.
No, I don't.
And she, and you know,
sometimes that's just it.
Sometimes that's just,
there's no, it's just mystery.
Do you think you might've been
a little intimidated by her?
Oh, I was definitely intimidated by her,
but in the right way.
And see, I'm operating off of some advice
my father gave me,
is that with the right person,
you will be intimidated.
Just the right amount
and for just the right reason.
And I would say that that's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's kind of healthy attachment.
Like if you respect her,
you'll kind of be intimidated,
but in the right way
and in just the right amount.
Don't be afraid of pursuing that.
But I just sensed the spark wasn't there.
And I decided to just say no.
Okay.
Now she's back in a relationship
with a previous boyfriend
who was right back to wasting her time, unfortunately.
She was, they've been together for four years
and doesn't know my business anymore.
Tell me what your question is, Brandon.
What's your question?
Yeah, my question is,
I'm just, what's the difference
between safe and healthy and boring
and just not, no spark being there?
What a great question.
That is what I'm trying to do.
That's a great question.
Because I have dated safe and boring
and I got all the way to Simbas with safe and boring.
Cause I kept going, well, it's a yes until it's a no.
And I kept telling everybody,
I wasn't feeling the spark
and I didn't really like all the things.
And there was like, it's going to come, it's going to come.
And finally afterwards, Jackie was like,
oh no, you waited too long.
And so I will say this.
I think that within four or five or six dates,
if you're not wanting to hold that person's hand,
now let me caveat the whole cut off the arm,
swim up shore thing.
I don't think that is a feeling a guy needs to have
in the first two dates.
I don't think he needs to be cutting off his arm in two days.
In fact, that would make me nervous.
I would say the arm cutting happened after about a month
of us really communicating,
spending a lot of conversation together
and hanging out together.
So how you know it's healthy safe
is you want to talk to them again.
You want to see them again.
You are at the end of the day
and you're booking the next date.
That's what it is.
That's all it needs to be in that first month.
No arms need to be getting cut off in the first month.
We just want you to be interested enough
that you're like, I know I just finished talking to her,
but I already want to talk to her again.
I already want to see her again.
I want to get to hang out with her again.
And I think I want to hold her hand,
but I probably shouldn't yet, but I kind of want to.
And I'm curious what it might be like to kiss her.
Like, I think those are normal things
that go with interest,
like that's not super sexual,
but it's not platonic either.
Like, so somewhere,
so that's what you're looking for.
You're looking for enough interest
that you really want to see them again.
Like, do you want to see her again?
Do you want to talk to her again?
Wow, it's been two hours and that time went by so fast.
That's what you're looking for.
Does that help?
Like, you should really want to see them again.
You should really want to talk to them again.
But not in a desperate sort of way,
but not in a like, I need to see them again
because I need to make this attachment happen.
But like, I genuinely like hanging out that,
but that's why Jackie calls that first month curiosity,
because you might really like,
like I have a friend who used to be in the program.
She's in that phase with this guy.
She's like, I really like hanging out with him.
I'm just not sure he's my person.
And I'm like, okay.
And this is where I will say at some point,
you might have to just kiss him.
Like, you might have to just figure it out.
Like, you might have to just see
if there's something there.
Like, sometimes we kind of make it such a big thing
that you need to just try.
But.
Even if you don't, if you don't want to try,
like if you don't want to try to hold her hand,
if you don't want to try to kiss her,
that's a good sign that it's not your person.
Okay. Yeah.
Because I found after the second date,
I found myself going a week
and barely having even thought of her.
Oh yeah.
And I found that, I found that telling.
Yeah.
So I decided, okay.
And here's the thing.
You don't have to know why.
And you guys, that Brandon just brought you a good example
of he has no particular reason why.
She sounds like an amazing human.
However, the fact that she's gone back to a unhealthy guy,
we don't know, like she may not be as healthy.
And so he might subconsciously realize
that there's more unhealth, even though on paper,
she looks like a really good choice.
The fact that she's maybe going back to a situationship,
his health might be reacting to her,
something unhealthy in her,
but he can't put his finger on it.
So he doesn't have to know.
He just know it's a no.
He just knows it's a no.
And I'm sorry that at all.
I mean, to your point, again, this is why dating at church,
when you're in a population that's gonna cross over,
can get clunky.
Okay.
Yeah.
And it felt like a guess.
It really did.
It felt like me guessing what I needed to do,
a guess in the dark.
And I took a guess and I went to give her clarity afterwards
and instead of just ghosting her.
I think I guessed right because over the last three months,
I've gotten three DMs from her,
three DMs in three months that are telling me
a little too much about her current relationship
and are kind of indicating that she didn't wanna let,
she didn't like how things were between her and I.
And I'm like, I'm being as gentle as I can,
but like, girl, these boundaries are not unusual
that I'm trying to do here and I'm trying to protect this.
So I think I guessed right.
I think you made a right call.
I like that the Holy Spirit nudged you on the no
without you knowing,
but he's actually gonna start confirming that for you.
So Brandon-
Well, I just wanted to make sure.
I just wanted to make sure I hadn't guessed wrong
cause you really don't mean-
I'm also glad that I clarified with you
that you shouldn't be ripping off your arm
in the first month either.
Wanted to make sure that we did not put
that expectation on you.
Okay, you guys, I have a very,
I'm having a very hard time keeping up
with questions in the chat.
It's easier if you ask them on camera
than putting them in the chat.
So I'm trying to toggle and not be rude
to the person I'm talking to,
but I'm starting to see conversations happen in the chat
that I don't like the direction it's going in.
So like, I feel like I need to jump in,
but I might not be reading it all correctly.
So I'm gonna jump over to the chat for a section
because it kind of started with,
what do you say when they get too personal so fast
and they're like, hey babe, we just met.
And we just met.
You just, you move quickly into a conversation.
You either are disgusted by it
and you don't give them a chance,
or you think it's stupid and you just say like,
hey, do you have any real questions for me?
And then they ask you some questions.
Well, you know what, I'm really,
well, if you don't have a lot of questions,
I also really wanna meet a person in real life.
I'd be happy to have a video chat with you.
So you could either give them a chance,
if they have everything in their profile that is winning,
then give them a chance and try to help redirect it.
If there's not enough in their profile that's winning,
then just move it along.
Like, don't give it.
Okay, so then, so you said my favorite language
is physical touch.
You guys, I don't want you to slam
that a lot of men have physical touch.
Physical touch is my love language.
Physical touch is not just sex, right?
I grew up very Italian.
And so physical touch is like,
I like to touch the back of Brian's neck a lot.
I like to put my hand on his cheek.
My mother used to rub my head when I was little
and it used to be so soothing and it would like calm me.
And so just because somebody says physical touch
doesn't mean that they're trying to just have a sex with you.
So it says, are you?
And so then somebody said, let's see.
This guy's being like it.
Again, if you guys, yeah, this guy is being like that also.
I don't like it.
Jeanette, if he's doing behavior on text
that you don't like, then stop talking to them.
Like, so if you're already finding their behavior
inappropriate, texting.
So then Mandy wrote, I think the love language
physical touch is overused with men.
I see this all the time.
It's the Christian way to say they want physical touch
or expect physical touch.
When in reality, almost all people enjoy physical touch,
especially in marriage.
That's actually not true.
Not all people do enjoy physical touch.
There are different ethnic groups and cultures.
that don't like physical touch.
And when we say physical touch, that's a pretty broad term.
Is it holding hands?
Is it hugging?
Now, I also will tell you guys,
even though physical touch is my love language,
I am very uncomfortable when strangers,
men and women, wanna touch me too quickly.
I hate when I meet somebody for the first time,
and they, especially women,
that are just enough tall enough with me
and they got big boobs,
and when they're like, oh, I'm a hugger.
Are you a hugger?
I'm a hugger.
I mean, before I even told her if I am a hugger or not,
I am now knee deep in her boobs.
So no, I don't like that.
And I like physical touch.
So I don't like physical touch from strangers.
I don't.
And I also don't like too much PDA.
And so we don't know what people,
if they know physical touch is their love language.
Now, I will say, for a lot of men,
they might like physical touch and or sex,
because that is the only way intimacy
was ever introduced in their life.
They may have only experienced intimacy.
I mean, soul intimacy through physical touch.
Like for me, some bad stuff happened to me when I was a kid.
So when I hear the word intimacy, I think sex.
So when people tell me I'm supposed to have intimacy
with Jesus, I was like, wait,
I'm not having sex with Jesus.
That's creeping me out.
So we just have to be really careful what people mean,
and we don't know what they mean.
And so let's not assume good or bad with physical touch.
We could assume bad with gifts, you guys.
We can assume someone's, oh, my love language is gifts.
Well, of course it is.
You're a materialistic, high-maintenance girl, right?
Like, no, gifts might be like the $5 Jujubees,
you know, from the candy store.
And so that was the only reason why I wanted to jump in.
There's, we really don't know what somebody means
by physical touch, but I can tell you this,
my husband, he would kill me.
Promise, you are not gonna tell him this
when you ever see him in person.
On our SIMBAS test, he told me,
he, it says how much you wanna have sex, right?
Yeah, guy thought, he's like,
we're gonna have sex more than once a day.
I was like, oh, crap, I haven't had sex
in a really long time.
I don't know if my body can handle more than once a day.
It has not been more than once a day, people.
What he really, what he didn't know
was he really wanted intimacy a lot with me.
Yes, he wants sex too, but he mostly wants intimacy.
And what he's learning in a healthy relationship
and a marriage with me is we are finding hundreds of ways
to be intimate with one another.
That's not just sex.
That's not just physical touch.
And so I just, I thought I would just jump in there
and get into that hot conversation.
And whew, okay.
Rachel, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna leave that there
and make everyone awkward with me and jump over to Rachel.
Hello, Renee.
Calling from Singapore.
Sorry, just want to ask you a question.
Just now you said there's hundreds of ways to be intimate.
Like how?
Apart from holding hands, apart from sex.
Were you asking me?
You wanna know how to be intimate?
Ooh, oh my gosh.
Well, intimacy, you know the phrase into me see.
So intimacy is being able to be fully known,
fully seen and loved in that space.
So like y'all, like I feel like I look really ugly tonight
and my husband on the phone,
cause he's on a business trip.
That's why he didn't even hear me say that.
That's why I told you not to tell him what I just told you.
Cause if he was sitting right there, he'd be mortified.
And so he is like, Renee, you are so beautiful.
And I'm like, I look so ugly right now.
But it's because we have this,
we can bear our soul with each other
and have really deep and meaningful conversations
with one another.
Sometimes it is just a touch.
Sometimes it is just a hug.
Sometimes it is just a hold,
but it's mostly sharing our deepest thoughts,
our feelings, our fears, our hopes, our joys.
It is praying together.
It is serving together.
Those are all things that create intimacy
because it's into me, see, see me.
So it's about, it's about getting,
it's about letting somebody get to know your inner inners,
your inner inner.
And, you know, like we can have intimacy
with somebody of the same sex.
Like I have a level of intimacy with my mother, you know,
and like, and some of it's touch,
but some of it's just the content that we.
share with one another.
I have a level of intimacy
with some of my closest girlfriends
and it has to do the way that we care for one another,
serve together, share together and show up together.
So hopefully I've given you some window to that,
but that's a good question.
And I might have Jackie give us more of a teaching on that
because I think that's good for people to know
a little bit more about intimacy
and so it'll help you know,
because a lot of times she's talked to you guys
about not doing Bible studies
and praying together in that first month
because it can create a spiritual soul tie
and it can create spiritual intimacy.
And that's why she cautions against doing too much
faith stuff right away in your relationship.
Yeah, thank you for sharing Renee.
So I've got two questions here.
In, yeah, I'm in a level three relationship now.
Okay.
Yeah, so two things.
One, how do you manage quarrels?
Like what do you do?
How do you, how do you?
How do you?
Manage quarrels?
Quarrels or, you know,
and the second thing is when two people talk a lot,
like, you know, when you share
and how do you get air time in such a way
asking the person,
maybe give me five minutes of no question
and that whole space for me,
because it's always like, you talk, I talk, you talk,
I talk, and then I don't feel listened to enough.
And that could lead to at the end, like a quarrel.
So, and how do you manage and how do you manage quarrels?
Okay, so I love talking about conflict resolution
and it's the bottom of the hour.
So I could give a whole teaching on this.
So here's my short answer on quarreling.
Learn how to fight fair.
Use kind words when you disagree.
And the phrase I've teach people now
that I learned from the Murray method
is slower, lower, softer, SLS.
Learn that, write it down.
When you're about to have a conversation with somebody,
you're gonna come in slower.
You're gonna lower your voice
and you're gonna come in softer.
You're gonna put breath between the things
that you're saying and it starts to create the space
that you're looking for.
And it's nearly impossible that person
to not start to match that pace.
And if they come in hot, you're gonna sit back
and you're gonna take a big breath.
How many of y'all just breathed with me
when I did that?
And you're just gonna say to your person,
I love you, you love me.
Let's agree that when we're disagreeing
and somebody says something,
we're both gonna take a breath before we respond.
And actually our first question
after somebody says something is,
wow, I'm curious, tell me more.
This way you make sure they get it all out first.
I'm curious, tell me more.
So you see how much you guys,
you see how much I just slow down?
Like I'm like hot Yankee girl, like coming in hot,
but you see how much I kind of dropped the air
just by lowering my voice, slowing my voice.
I know it sounds crazy,
but I teach it all the time to people now.
I teach it to couples all the time.
And now this is really important for strong people,
strong, loud people for us to do this.
Cause as we get excited, our energy even goes higher.
If it's a possible, our energy gets higher.
Like I remember I was at my family reunion a few years ago
and it was like seven o'clock in the morning
and y'all passionate Italians at seven o'clock
in the morning, it was loud.
And I remember going, oh my gosh,
no wonder my staff thinks I'm yelling all the time.
Like we're just a lot.
And so add anger and add quarrel to it.
So that's my short two minute answer to you all
on how to handle quarrels.
Be kind, use kind words, do not kitchen sink.
The other phrase is when you're having a quarrel
about something and you're upset,
you're gonna discuss today's problems
with today's emotions today.
Today's problems with today's emotions today.
So if you're having a quarrel about something,
this is not the time for you to bring up something
that happened five months ago, five weeks ago.
It's also time for you to...
Check in with your amygdala brain and go, okay, the reaction I'm having, I'm feeling
a level 10 reaction right now.
Does that match the thing that happened today?
If it's not matching the thing that happened today, I need to drop down and go, okay, Renee,
come in with the energy for the thing right now.
There's four other things bugging you, but now's not the time.
Deal with today's problem with today's energy today.
So that's my second little stink.
Thank you, Renee.
You bet.
Do you have to always resolve it?
No.
Oh, that's a good question.
I always used to think you had to resolve the argument in that conversation, but I'm
a verbal processor.
I'm like, let's just get it done.
Ryan is a internal processor and he needs time sometimes to process.
So if I could tell the argument is not getting anywhere and we're starting to be frustrated,
we're starting to lose our cool and possibly be unkind, it is okay to say, you know what?
We both have said a lot.
We're getting tired.
Let's put a pin on it.
Let's sleep on it.
Let's reconvene tomorrow or let's reconvene Wednesday.
So you pick a day in time to reconvene.
What you don't want to say is let's just talk about this later because then later never
comes.
You're both going to agree when you're going to reconvene.
What is a healthy rate for quarrels?
Healthy rate?
Like how often?
Yeah.
Bless you.
You know what, Brian?
I don't want to answer that question.
That's too big of a question.
I will say this.
I would hope that you more get along than not get along.
That would be my hope.
And I would hope the quarrels you have because you're having them in the moment are tiny
and you get past them really fast.
Like Brian and I might get in a quarrel that lasts about 45 seconds, but because we deal
with today's problems today with today's energy, we can get in and out of a quarrel in under
a minute.
Do you know what I'm saying?
But if you are quarreling about big stuff and it's taken up a lot of time and energy
every day or the majority of the days, I'd say that's a problem.
That's a problem.
But I'm not your therapist.
I don't know enough of the story so I don't want to make a blanket answer on that.
Crystal, did you have a question?
Yes, I do have a question or maybe some advice.
Totally different subjects than all of the other subjects.
Can you give me some advice?
I have a pattern and I'm looking at where to go to, I mean, back to heart work or whatever,
but Jackie always says hurt in community, healed in community.
This is a repetitive pattern that I have.
And then my pattern is to separate, disappear.
And I don't know how to deal with this.
I mean, I feel like I forgive the person that happens.
I mean, I can give you two, three examples that just happened recently in a row.
Are we talking about friends or just people in general?
In community, anywhere, like a church community, any type of community, business community.
It's a repetitive pattern.
So the pattern is you cut and run after somebody has hurt you?
Yeah.
Well, like, okay, so let me give you a couple examples.
Let me give you one example from church.
So I had a foster kid here with a mom and one of the girls from church is a doula.
So she's like, oh, let me come over, let me come over and help recipe in this.
So she came in, all the things, wanted to be involved, you know, like really came in
really fast, you know, brought all this stuff, brought all this clothes, did all this stuff,
and then kept checking in on how everything was going.
And the baby wasn't doing one morning, doing well one morning.
And the next thing I know, I had two cops and two ambulance at my house.
So anyways, long story short, I had to say to her afterwards, I was like, you know, I
would have appreciated if you could have given me some warning that you were sending these
people to my house.
Just for many reasons, many, many, many reasons, you know, that I could have explained to her.
And then afterwards, so when then I went to ask her something else, and she was like,
please don't contact me anymore.
If you have any problems, you know, figure out someone else to contact.
So then I was like, okay, Lord, I was like, what, what have I done?
So I texted her and I said, you know, if I've done something to offend you, I was like,
you know, could you please let me know and you know, I really sorry, I didn't want to
do anything to offend you.
So please forgive me.
Then at church, it's like, she shuns me, she sees me.
the other direction, you know, so I just I just vacate like I'm gone.
Well, I mean, if somebody is going to behave that way with you,
then I thought what you were asking me about is you're the one cutting and running.
But if somebody puts a wall up with you,
especially if you don't have a long relationship with them,
you can walk away from that because if they if you guys
because that's the problem, like right now, we're living in a culture
where boundaries looks like people are either in or out for good and ever.
Like I if you go all the way, I don't even know if it's on there anymore.
But I taught a class years ago for us on advanced boundaries.
It's like there are circles of you bringing people into your place
and circles of you moving people out.
And right now we're in a season where if somebody brings somebody in,
especially too quickly when something happens,
we don't just move them back a little bit.
We shove them out the door and we don't hold.
I cut myself from the whole community.
Like, that's my problem.
Like, I'm churches.
Crystal, I'm like, I'm looking at the time I probably can't.
I don't know. It's such a good question.
It's such a great question.
I just don't know that I can do it justice without learning a little bit more
because the question I would be asked, the questions I would want to ask you
is when you connect with people, how close do you let them in?
How quickly do you let them into their story?
How intimate do those relationships go?
And then what happens before you cut them off?
Like I would need to know.
I would need to see more.
I would need way more data to learn what the pattern is
for me to give you the best advice.
I'd be happy to do a one on one with you, but that
so but that's a great topic.
And so be thinking about providing
like a little bit more context.
If you want to do that with me or with with somebody else,
we would probably need more information to know what the pattern is.
OK, you guys, I'm just realizing.
Brandon, do you have one more question or was your hand still up?
Yeah, I do have one more.
This is going to be the last question, you guys,
because she's going to kick my butt that I sit on the phone with you all this.
OK, go. OK, so my question is,
and you again, you you brought this up with something else.
You said earlier, Renee, so this is your fault.
But what what is the difference
between anxious attachment and having quality time
as your love language?
Because, yeah, story last year, a brief, brief dating pursuit that I had.
I was a bit more invested in this one.
This was last year.
But and this kind of followed a pattern I've noticed for a long time,
which is if somebody isn't answering me back much
and is really inconsistent with that, I I definitely spot a bit of,
you know, quick discomfort welling up, but I know how to not act on it.
Right. I know how to I know not to make assumptions.
I know not to bug them.
I know not to do things like that, like maybe they have a life, God forbid.
Right. And so, you know, I know I I know not to react to it that way.
And it really helps that I'm working on being insecure in God,
secure in Christ.
And so I have as my friend and I can I can just be OK, you know, by myself.
It's not fun, but I don't need that or the person to be constantly
coming back at me to make me feel good.
But then again, I've got another layer to it, which is
quality times my love language.
I like being invited places.
I like being remembered by my friends when I'm being left out
is like the worst form of hurt for me, I would say in my church community.
And I'm just do you have any thoughts on that?
Like how that.
So quality, I don't know.
Oh, here's the quality time is not quantity time.
Usually people who have a love language of quality time
is that they need meaningful time.
They don't need meaningful time every single day.
So anxious if I know I've got an anxious attachment to somebody.
I don't just enjoy their quality time,
but when I don't hear from them, I think all the bad things
when I don't get an email that makes sense or I don't get a text message
or I don't get a date from them or I feel like I got left out of a party
or I see them across the room and I start to narrate a story
that's not true and I start to get anxious.
So for me, anxious attachment is I'm starting to feel anxious.
I'm feeling anxious.
Like it is like when we don't talk and when we don't like when we're
when we're talking, I feel safe and secure.
But when we're not talking.
I don't feel safe.
I feel anxious.
That's a good chance I'm having anxious attachment to somebody because safe, healthy attachment
is when you're apart from that conversation and that person, you still feel okay.
You're not like checking your phone, reading the text messages, doing a data analysis of
what it means.
And so for me, that's how I know anxious attachment is showing up when I'm starting to get anxiety.
When I haven't heard from them and then I start to narrate a story in my head, that
is just me spiraling.
So all right, it's almost 10 o'clock, so I've got to stop it, but this was so fun, y'all.
I'm glad you guys stayed on the call tonight and for whoever stayed on the call tonight
and Jackie will be on sometime this month and it will be fabulous.
And so I'm going to praise that real quick.
Father God, I just thank you for each and every single person here.
I appreciate everyone's willingness to be bold with their questions, to be honest.
I'm just so thankful that you love every single person here, that they are in community, that
they pursue you first.
Father God, I just ask that any place in their heart right now that is still feeling wounded
and hurt and disappointed, that you are close.
You say that you are close to the broken hearted, so I ask that you do that.
Father God, for those that have major prayer requests where they need to see your movement
in their life in some way, I ask that you begin to move that mountain for them.
Or as the song would say, if you're not going to move the mountain, move them.
And so we just ask you and we praise you and we thank you in Jesus name, amen.
All right, you guys have a great night and great weekend and we'll see you soon.