WEBVTT

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Okay, folks, welcome to Love Seeds, Ask Renee, because I'm here subbing for Jackie.

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She will be, I'm sure, up again sometime later this month for you guys to ask her burning

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questions.

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But as you know, I like to do the dating coaching at least one time in a month, so this is where

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you're going to get this from me.

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And I'm super excited to do it.

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I feel like I've been on a roll coaching a lot of people.

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And here's what I can tell you.

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If you are coming out of your worst relationship, you're about to walk into your best relationship.

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And so I so mean that, and I'm so excited about it.

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So I don't know if you recognize this hat, okay, this cute little logo.

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I might be the only psycho that was following Kelsey, oh my gosh, Kelsey Fedler.

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She was the chick that rode solo all the way from Monterey, California to Hawaii.

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And I set the alarm for 2 a.m. so that I can watch her cross over and land in Hawaii.

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And I love what she said.

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So she, not only was she the, she was only the third woman to try it solo, but she was

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the first American and she was the youngest.

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And not only did she blow past the women's record, but she blew past the man's record

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too.

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And one of the quotes that she said was, I want you to be brave to do your big scary

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hard thing.

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You may not have what it takes to finish the hard thing, but you have what it takes to

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start the hard thing.

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And you'll figure it out and people will come along the way as you go.

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And so I want you to be thinking about that while you're in this program.

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And as we are trying to help walk alongside you in your love story that God has for you,

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all you need to do to do this big scary thing, which is give love a chance again, after all

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your hurts, all your disappointments, you guys just need to come to the starting line,

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which is just show up here and just keep trying.

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And the rest will be God and us walking this out with you.

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So you are not solo cruising into marriage and in your single years, you actually get

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to do it with a team here.

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So take advantage of the team, the coaches, the prayer, we're here in community doing

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it for you.

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So anyway, I donated to her little foundation.

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You guys, her goal was to raise like $50,000.

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She raised over $200,000 and I got a little cute hat out of it.

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And I've got my glasses on because I knocked one of my contact lenses down the drain tonight.

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So I just spent 200 bucks to get a new contact lens.

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Yay me.

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Okay.

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So before, I want you to be able to raise your hands if you have dating questions, anything

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remotely connected to dating.

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This could be your non-negotiable list, your preference list.

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This could be how to get from a conversation, a text to a video date, a video date to a

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live date.

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How do you get a guy from and a girl from level two dating to level three dating?

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Like how do you get through all of this?

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So we can talk about all of it.

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The one thing I do want to encourage you guys to do is not give up, like not give up.

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And if you think you're doing it all, you're like, Renee, I'm on the apps.

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I'm going to meet up groups.

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All my friends know I look amazing every time I walk out the door.

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I'm hitting the gym.

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I'm hitting the steps.

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I'm eating healthy.

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I've paid off my bills.

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I've saved money.

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Like I'm doing it all.

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There's literally nothing else I could do.

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Then it's probably not you.

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Your person might need to catch up with you.

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And so you just need to chill and keep on keeping on and just trust that when you meet

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your spirit mate and you learn their story, you're going to go, oh, it was you.

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I needed to wait for you.

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And so I really want you to be patient now.

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If you're not hitting it up with all cylinders and you're like, yeah, I got some areas to

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work on.

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Okay, cool.

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No big.

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You don't have to be perfect.

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You just need to be moving forward.

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So I don't want you to give up.

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Like I don't want you to think I'm doing all the things.

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It's not working.

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So I must be doing something wrong or I'm not doing enough of it.

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No, no.

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And in my book on hope, I talk about Joshua and I'm actually writing about Joshua in my

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paper.

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Here's what I loved about Joshua.

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You guys, Joshua was kind of like the little right hand, you know, next to Aaron.

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He was like the little right hand guy to Moses.

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So while Aaron was down kind of building the golden calf with all the Israelites, Joshua

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was hanging out right outside the meeting tent, waiting for Moses to come back from

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his visit with God.

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So, he was the only one not connected to the mess that happened down there.

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And he got to see what it was like for Moses to be face-to-face with God.

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Fast forward, when they're only like 30 days into their trip, and they're ready to cross

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over into the Promised Land, one of the places that they were checking out out of the 12

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tribes, the 12 leaders, Joshua and Caleb are the only ones that are like, yeah, we believe

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we can take this land.

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Everybody else did not believe.

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And so, it's this whole long story that happens in the book of Numbers.

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But basically, that is why they're stuck for 40 years wandering the desert.

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So Joshua gets stuck waiting for 40 years because of the mess up of everybody else around

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them.

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But God still had a plan for Joshua, and Joshua was actually going to be the next in line

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after Moses, which is like a big deal.

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So that's a very long way to say you might be living in the consequences of somebody

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else's unhealthy choices, but that doesn't mean that God's not going to take you to the

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Promised Land.

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Does that make sense?

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That was my long way to say that.

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I want you to know that whatever you have done, whatever your spirit mate has done to

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mess it up, whatever anybody else around you has done to hurt you or mess up a situation,

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God's not going to leave you.

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He's going to take you to their side.

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If he has put this desire for marriage and a family in your heart, and you've checked

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it all out with him, and you feel like this is what he's called you to do, he's going

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to be there with you.

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Okay, so, okay.

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Now I'm ready for questions.

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So now I want to see, because I know there was a bunch of stuff going on in the women's

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post, and I don't know about the guy's post, of things that were going on, and a lot of

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people said, bring that to the Ask Jackie for tonight.

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So I definitely want you to feel like you can ask the question.

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So start raising your hands.

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Start raising your hands.

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If you also want to do a speed dating round with me, because you've never done one before.

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Let's see.

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I'm just going to let ... Bethany wants to make sure I know what I'm doing, so I'm just

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going to let her know.

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She's being a mama bear right now, tell her that we're good.

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You know what, you guys, I don't mind people checking up on me, because I can be very disorganized.

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And so I always used to say to my staff, treat me like a child, and you guys can remind me

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all the time that I'm supposed to be someplace, that did I forget my purse, where's my water

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bottle, where's my keys?

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So if you ever hang out with me in real life and you need to treat me like a child, I'm

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never going to be offended by that.

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Okay.

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Let's see.

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Okay.

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Justin.

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All right.

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I love it.

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You're up.

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Get yourself off mute.

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There we go.

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Can you guys hear me okay?

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Yes.

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Hey, Renee.

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I had a quick question.

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Yeah.

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If you happen to like a girl out in town, when is it appropriate to ask her if she's

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single and ask her to go out?

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It's kind of awkward.

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Wait.

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She's out of town, you said?

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No.

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When you're out and about doing running errands and stuff like that.

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Now, are you talking about a complete stranger?

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Yes.

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Okay.

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Have you had any conversation with her?

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Did you small talk with her?

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There was a girl that approached me while I was at Lowe's the other day.

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I thought it might have been a dropped hanky, but she worked there, so I wasn't sure.

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That's a great question.

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I think we talked about this a couple of months ago.

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Here's my tiny little advice.

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Remember we talked about business cards.

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You guys, I said have some business cards ready.

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Justin, here's my silly little way that might be a good way.

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Hey, you seem like a really sweet person.

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This may sound really awkward and weird, but I would love to grab coffee with you and talk

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to you a little bit more.

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I don't even know if you're married, if you're single, if you're even looking.

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If you're not, no big deal.

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I won't be offended at all, but I just realized I don't want to miss the moment.

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You could be a really great person, and I'd like to get to know you.

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If she says, oh my gosh, yeah, that would be great, then you can have your phone number

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ready to be able to easily hand her or give it to her.

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If she says, oh my gosh, I'm working, if she gives you any excuse, you're like, no worries.

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I just thought I would shoot my shot.

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You know, and at the end of the day,

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it just is a compliment to you

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that you looked like a lovely person

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who somebody wanted to get to know.

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Cause you guys, like if somebody did that to me,

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like I would be flattered.

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And I remember there were times like,

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actually the irony is the only time

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that that's ever happened to me, Justin,

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is when I was already seeing somebody.

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Like it happened to the grocery store years ago.

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And I'm like, where was this when I was single?

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And so I think if you acknowledge

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that it could be where like, at the risk of sounding weird,

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I would, you know, you just seem super nice.

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Of course, I don't know much about you

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and you don't know much about me.

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I would love to chat with you in person.

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We can meet someplace super public.

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It could be low-key, ice cream, coffee,

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down the street, whatever.

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If that's, if you are not interested like in dating anybody

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or getting to know anybody in this time of your life,

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that is totally okay.

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So like hearing me say that,

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does that sound like something

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you can make your own version of?

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Yeah, I think I can work something out.

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I just need to think about it a little bit.

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Yeah, I mean, I just want you to be brave

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because I always wonder about that, Justin.

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Like I always wonder about these kind of meek cues

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I thought I had along the way.

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And you're like, he doesn't say anything.

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You don't say anything.

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And you're like, eh, eh.

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And I'm like, what do we have to lose?

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Like, what do you really have to lose?

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So even if she thinks you're a total creeper

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and she's like, eh, eh, eh,

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like she might go like, you know what, I'm working.

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I really can't do that right now.

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Oh my gosh, no problem, totally okay.

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And so how you respond to the quote unquote rejection

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will really like put her at ease, you know?

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And so, and you can even end it with something like,

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well, at least you know,

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hopefully at least it made your day

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that you caught somebody's eye

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or you caught somebody's attention.

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Cause I don't know about you guys,

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but like when somebody compliments my hair or my makeup,

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especially on a day that I don't feel

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really great about myself,

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who doesn't like to feel

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like you caught somebody's attention?

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And ladies, this applies to you too.

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Like, you know, this could be like, like to his point,

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she's like, I think she dropped a hanky.

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Like a lot of times you think you're dropping the hanky

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and you're so not clear at all.

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I did have a private coach coaching session

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and she was like, that was a total drop taken.

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Like, no, that was barely a hanky.

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Like the hanky was, it was a tissue floating in the air.

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And so it is okay for you to say, you know,

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what's your name, Justin, Justin, Justin, you know, gosh,

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I'm going out on a limb and I might totally embarrass myself

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but you seem like a really great guy.

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00:12:49.360 --> 00:12:51.680
I know this is crazy, but here's my business card.

245
00:12:51.680 --> 00:12:53.760
I'd love to chat with you sometime.

246
00:12:53.760 --> 00:12:55.200
I don't even know, whatever.

247
00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:57.320
Like you do not need to call me back.

248
00:12:57.320 --> 00:12:58.520
It's not going to be a thing.

249
00:12:58.520 --> 00:12:59.680
It's all good.

250
00:12:59.680 --> 00:13:00.680
But at the end of the day,

251
00:13:00.680 --> 00:13:02.400
at least know you caught my eye.

252
00:13:02.400 --> 00:13:07.200
Like kind of be willing to be vulnerable and silly

253
00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:09.980
and a complete stranger who doesn't say yes to you

254
00:13:09.980 --> 00:13:12.960
is just a complete stranger who doesn't say yes to you.

255
00:13:12.960 --> 00:13:15.320
This is not somebody who is deciding

256
00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:17.040
that you are not worthy.

257
00:13:17.040 --> 00:13:19.240
So Justin, I love it.

258
00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:22.280
Be brave, do it.

259
00:13:22.280 --> 00:13:24.440
And in the next month I'm coaching,

260
00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:26.800
I want to hear that you tried it with somebody.

261
00:13:28.520 --> 00:13:30.120
You got it, no deal.

262
00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.580
Ladies, give him like some reaction, clapping,

263
00:13:33.580 --> 00:13:36.160
letting him know that we want him

264
00:13:36.160 --> 00:13:40.760
and all the other men on here to do the brave thing, right?

265
00:13:40.760 --> 00:13:42.660
We want y'all to do the brave thing.

266
00:13:43.640 --> 00:13:46.800
And don't let those creepo weirdo ladies

267
00:13:47.560 --> 00:13:48.400
who get offended,

268
00:13:49.280 --> 00:13:52.400
like stop you from being kind and flirty.

269
00:13:52.400 --> 00:13:57.400
Jennifer, where'd you go, Jennifer?

270
00:13:58.240 --> 00:13:59.360
That was an accident.

271
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:01.400
I meant to send a clap.

272
00:14:01.400 --> 00:14:02.680
Oh, okay.

273
00:14:04.100 --> 00:14:06.480
Who wants to go next?

274
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:08.280
Who wants to go next?

275
00:14:09.800 --> 00:14:11.620
Leslie Davis, I might pick on you.

276
00:14:11.620 --> 00:14:14.820
You said you're scared to death to try it again.

277
00:14:14.820 --> 00:14:16.520
What are you afraid to try?

278
00:14:17.280 --> 00:14:18.120
Where are you, Leslie?

279
00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:19.600
What are you afraid to try?

280
00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:25.040
The whole process of, you know,

281
00:14:25.040 --> 00:14:27.160
the chitchat in the beginning,

282
00:14:27.160 --> 00:14:30.100
get to know them, that you think they're great,

283
00:14:30.100 --> 00:14:31.760
they present as great.

284
00:14:31.760 --> 00:14:34.920
And then you get attached and months into it,

285
00:14:34.920 --> 00:14:36.240
boom, they're not great.

286
00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:42.240
Okay, so let's break that down a little bit

287
00:14:42.920 --> 00:14:46.120
because you're expressing something

288
00:14:46.760 --> 00:14:49.240
that I think a lot of people are struggling with.

289
00:14:49.240 --> 00:14:51.160
So let's think about that.

290
00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:54.320
That's why Jackie talks about like,

291
00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:57.520
her and I were talking about that with Bethany this week.

292
00:14:57.520 --> 00:15:00.120
We used to talk about the five levels of dating.

293
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.000
which was very, you know, Henry Cloud boundaries level,

294
00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:06.140
which is like level two, level three.

295
00:15:06.140 --> 00:15:08.880
And she's really trying to simplify it.

296
00:15:08.880 --> 00:15:11.240
So she talks about how for the first month

297
00:15:11.240 --> 00:15:12.880
is just curiosity.

298
00:15:12.880 --> 00:15:15.040
You are just getting to know somebody.

299
00:15:15.040 --> 00:15:18.760
So you should not be trying to form any attachments

300
00:15:18.760 --> 00:15:20.520
in that first month.

301
00:15:20.520 --> 00:15:23.560
In that second month is clarity.

302
00:15:23.560 --> 00:15:26.200
So in my opinion, curiosity,

303
00:15:26.200 --> 00:15:28.660
you are doing fun stuff with each other.

304
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:31.700
You're asking broad questions.

305
00:15:31.700 --> 00:15:34.120
It would be no different than you deciding

306
00:15:34.120 --> 00:15:37.660
if you like that girl that just got hired

307
00:15:37.660 --> 00:15:39.380
and do you wanna hang out with her?

308
00:15:39.380 --> 00:15:42.780
No different than a neighbor who just moved in next door

309
00:15:42.780 --> 00:15:44.760
and you're just getting to know them.

310
00:15:44.760 --> 00:15:47.340
The person that you might sit down next to at church,

311
00:15:47.340 --> 00:15:49.220
you're just getting to know them.

312
00:15:49.220 --> 00:15:51.500
So you're just curious

313
00:15:51.500 --> 00:15:54.540
if you wanna keep talking to this person.

314
00:15:54.540 --> 00:15:59.340
I think where we go awry is where in that first month,

315
00:15:59.340 --> 00:16:01.580
there's a few things that click.

316
00:16:01.580 --> 00:16:04.280
And so we take all the guidelines

317
00:16:04.280 --> 00:16:06.740
and we just check them out the window

318
00:16:06.740 --> 00:16:08.400
and we start praying with them

319
00:16:08.400 --> 00:16:10.260
and we start talking about our divorces

320
00:16:10.260 --> 00:16:12.260
and we start talking about our hopes and dreams.

321
00:16:12.260 --> 00:16:13.900
And, you know, like we go,

322
00:16:13.900 --> 00:16:16.980
we know those two hour calls turn into five hour calls.

323
00:16:16.980 --> 00:16:18.880
And so then we're texting all day.

324
00:16:18.880 --> 00:16:22.260
And so we create some kind of attachment with them

325
00:16:22.260 --> 00:16:24.460
before we've gotten to chance to hang out with them

326
00:16:25.300 --> 00:16:28.220
and before our people have had a chance to weigh in on them.

327
00:16:28.220 --> 00:16:32.000
So remember, month one, you're just being curious.

328
00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:34.280
That's why we tell you to be curious

329
00:16:34.280 --> 00:16:35.820
with a number of people.

330
00:16:35.820 --> 00:16:39.700
We encourage you not to text all day long.

331
00:16:39.700 --> 00:16:42.060
You wanna give them a reason to call you

332
00:16:42.060 --> 00:16:43.220
at the end of the day.

333
00:16:43.220 --> 00:16:45.880
You wanna give them a reason to book a date.

334
00:16:45.880 --> 00:16:50.460
In that second month, you are putting your best people,

335
00:16:50.460 --> 00:16:54.980
your best godly married people in front of that person.

336
00:16:54.980 --> 00:16:58.780
And so, and then you're not even thinking about commitment

337
00:16:58.780 --> 00:17:00.680
until that third month.

338
00:17:00.680 --> 00:17:02.580
Now I'm not saying that you're not exclusive

339
00:17:02.580 --> 00:17:04.420
in that second month, you could be,

340
00:17:04.420 --> 00:17:07.099
but I'm saying you're not even talking about like marriage

341
00:17:07.099 --> 00:17:10.180
and hopes and dreams and values until that third month

342
00:17:10.180 --> 00:17:13.780
after you've gotten past the, I think they're a nice person.

343
00:17:13.780 --> 00:17:16.819
My people thinks that person is a nice person

344
00:17:16.819 --> 00:17:18.859
and you've gotten a lot of thumbs up.

345
00:17:18.859 --> 00:17:23.819
And so I remember, and I will say this to you guys,

346
00:17:23.819 --> 00:17:26.060
and I felt this way about Brian.

347
00:17:26.060 --> 00:17:28.220
And I think a lot of people who end up getting married

348
00:17:28.220 --> 00:17:29.420
feel this way.

349
00:17:29.420 --> 00:17:33.720
I remember we were eight weeks in, I was past the clarity.

350
00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:36.500
I mean, I was past the curiosity, past the clarity.

351
00:17:36.500 --> 00:17:39.020
He passed the test with a few of my people.

352
00:17:39.020 --> 00:17:42.100
And I remember I was starting to say to people,

353
00:17:42.100 --> 00:17:44.020
I think he could be the one.

354
00:17:44.020 --> 00:17:46.080
I think he could be my husband.

355
00:17:46.080 --> 00:17:47.380
But you know what?

356
00:17:47.380 --> 00:17:50.660
For the first time I can honestly say,

357
00:17:50.660 --> 00:17:54.220
if it's not him and I'm not his person

358
00:17:54.220 --> 00:17:58.180
and he's not my person, I'm gonna be okay.

359
00:17:58.180 --> 00:18:01.100
So he is like the first person

360
00:18:01.100 --> 00:18:03.820
I learned how to secure attach with,

361
00:18:03.820 --> 00:18:07.540
not avoid and attach, not anxious attach.

362
00:18:07.540 --> 00:18:10.900
And so that's my encouragement to you, Leslie,

363
00:18:10.900 --> 00:18:15.820
is watch your pacing with getting to know somebody.

364
00:18:15.820 --> 00:18:19.700
Now, and you know, I mean, it's like Jackie kind of says

365
00:18:19.700 --> 00:18:24.020
that those first 90 days, you guys are really critical.

366
00:18:24.020 --> 00:18:27.420
And even though my relationship catapulted

367
00:18:27.420 --> 00:18:29.380
after the first three months,

368
00:18:29.380 --> 00:18:32.900
those first three months we really stayed true

369
00:18:32.900 --> 00:18:37.260
to like the guidelines of what we were saying to each other

370
00:18:37.260 --> 00:18:39.840
and how deep we were going.

371
00:18:39.840 --> 00:18:42.580
Yes, can you date somebody longer than three months

372
00:18:42.580 --> 00:18:44.420
and you start talking about commitment

373
00:18:44.420 --> 00:18:47.140
and can the relationship end?

374
00:18:47.140 --> 00:18:49.620
It can, but again, I would say

375
00:18:49.620 --> 00:18:53.100
if you are doing healthy attachment with that person,

376
00:18:53.100 --> 00:18:55.780
if you are not sleeping with that person,

377
00:18:55.780 --> 00:18:58.540
if you are not creating a soul tie spiritually

378
00:18:58.540 --> 00:19:02.380
with that person, you will be able to walk away

379
00:19:02.380 --> 00:19:05.480
from the relationship without being destroyed.

380
00:19:05.480 --> 00:19:09.060
You could be disappointed, but you won't be destroyed.

381
00:19:09.060 --> 00:19:09.900
Does that make sense?

382
00:19:09.900 --> 00:19:13.380
There's a difference between being destroyed

383
00:19:14.300 --> 00:19:15.380
and disappointed.

384
00:19:15.380 --> 00:19:17.100
So you could be disappointed.

385
00:19:19.780 --> 00:19:22.740
I think for me, it was on the heels of a breakup.

386
00:19:22.740 --> 00:19:27.060
And so the thought of shifting from the person

387
00:19:27.060 --> 00:19:28.980
that you really did think that you were going

388
00:19:28.980 --> 00:19:32.100
all the way with to God bless America,

389
00:19:32.100 --> 00:19:33.500
now I'm starting over.

390
00:19:37.220 --> 00:19:40.220
And I will say, I'm the queen of taking time off.

391
00:19:40.900 --> 00:19:45.900
My last relationship, I sat out for about five months

392
00:19:46.180 --> 00:19:48.540
before I got back in the game.

393
00:19:48.540 --> 00:19:50.460
And that's when I met Brian.

394
00:19:50.460 --> 00:19:53.220
And so for me, there's not a time limit on it,

395
00:19:53.220 --> 00:19:55.660
but I knew if I still had that attitude of,

396
00:19:55.660 --> 00:19:58.420
oh crap, I gotta like weed through

397
00:19:58.420 --> 00:20:00.140
and get past the first stage.

398
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.680
Again, like I knew if that was my attitude,

399
00:20:02.680 --> 00:20:05.080
then I wasn't ready to get back in the game.

400
00:20:05.080 --> 00:20:10.080
Mostly, I don't want to be unfair to next.

401
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:14.680
Cause I mean, they're coming in maybe with good intentions

402
00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:16.440
and you would hate to have in the back of your head,

403
00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:18.400
like really, I'm still suffering here.

404
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:19.760
So let me.

405
00:20:19.760 --> 00:20:21.880
Exactly, exactly.

406
00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:23.760
How long were you with your person?

407
00:20:23.760 --> 00:20:27.320
Well, it was not, it was definitely an unhealthy,

408
00:20:27.320 --> 00:20:28.680
but a couple of years

409
00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:31.200
and it should have not gone that far,

410
00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:32.520
but either way it did.

411
00:20:32.520 --> 00:20:34.880
And it is what it is.

412
00:20:34.880 --> 00:20:39.880
Well, and I will say it is the longer,

413
00:20:40.120 --> 00:20:43.720
the longer a relationship goes on unhealthy,

414
00:20:43.720 --> 00:20:46.720
the longer your recovery might take.

415
00:20:46.720 --> 00:20:50.500
And so for me, breaking up an unhealthy relationship

416
00:20:50.500 --> 00:20:52.320
that only lasted three months,

417
00:20:52.320 --> 00:20:54.000
cause right around the three month mark,

418
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:56.280
I was like, whoa, they're buttercup.

419
00:20:56.320 --> 00:20:58.720
But if I dragged it out for two years,

420
00:20:58.720 --> 00:21:02.360
that might take a lot more work to work through.

421
00:21:02.360 --> 00:21:06.760
And the part that I would encourage you to make sure

422
00:21:06.760 --> 00:21:10.240
whatever caused you to stay in the game so long

423
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:12.160
while it was unhealthy,

424
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:14.840
my suspicion is God's got some teeth.

425
00:21:14.840 --> 00:21:19.840
He's got some gentle words for you of how to help you.

426
00:21:19.920 --> 00:21:21.560
But I can assure you,

427
00:21:21.560 --> 00:21:26.440
my suspicion is you would never lag again like that.

428
00:21:28.560 --> 00:21:29.480
That's correct.

429
00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:34.240
I joined LYS in the middle of the relationship.

430
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:35.800
Let me put it that way.

431
00:21:35.800 --> 00:21:37.440
So I learned along the way,

432
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:41.640
but I was already in, you know, head first at that point.

433
00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:45.000
And then there was moments where we would disconnect

434
00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:45.960
and then reconnect

435
00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:48.360
and I should have just left the disconnect.

436
00:21:49.240 --> 00:21:50.520
It's hard, you guys,

437
00:21:50.520 --> 00:21:53.160
when we've invested a lot of time with somebody,

438
00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:55.320
the biggest issue I see with women

439
00:21:55.320 --> 00:21:56.960
that I've been private coaching with

440
00:21:56.960 --> 00:22:00.320
is when you've invested so much time,

441
00:22:00.320 --> 00:22:03.400
I've seen so many women stay simply because,

442
00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:05.280
and men, this might be you too,

443
00:22:05.280 --> 00:22:08.880
where the thought of starting over is exhausting.

444
00:22:08.880 --> 00:22:13.480
But I promise you staying in miserable is never the answer

445
00:22:13.480 --> 00:22:15.840
and it's never the antidote to not starting over.

446
00:22:15.840 --> 00:22:18.520
So girl, you got this.

447
00:22:18.520 --> 00:22:20.800
I'm sorry that it dragged on,

448
00:22:20.800 --> 00:22:22.920
but I've been saying this to everybody.

449
00:22:22.920 --> 00:22:24.680
Every person that I've been coaching

450
00:22:24.680 --> 00:22:27.400
that has dragged on a relationship

451
00:22:27.400 --> 00:22:29.320
that shouldn't have been dragging on,

452
00:22:29.320 --> 00:22:33.040
their next relationship has been their best relationship.

453
00:22:33.040 --> 00:22:35.560
So I'm gonna be praying that for you,

454
00:22:35.560 --> 00:22:38.680
that anybody, that that's how God's gonna redeem

455
00:22:38.680 --> 00:22:40.000
and bend that time for you,

456
00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:42.040
that you feel like you wasted all this time

457
00:22:42.040 --> 00:22:43.680
in a situation ship,

458
00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:46.000
you hung in there thinking it was gonna get better,

459
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:48.520
they were gonna get the healing and blah, blah, blah,

460
00:22:48.520 --> 00:22:50.400
and you didn't wanna start over.

461
00:22:50.400 --> 00:22:54.280
If you finally were brave enough to end those relationships

462
00:22:54.280 --> 00:22:57.640
where you were getting maybe 50, 60% out of it,

463
00:22:57.640 --> 00:22:59.040
get the healing that you need,

464
00:22:59.040 --> 00:23:01.600
learn what your part of the story is.

465
00:23:01.600 --> 00:23:04.360
I do believe you will date so much smarter

466
00:23:04.360 --> 00:23:05.960
because of what you went through

467
00:23:05.960 --> 00:23:08.800
that it's gonna actually get you to the other side faster.

468
00:23:08.800 --> 00:23:11.240
So that's my word for you.

469
00:23:11.760 --> 00:23:16.760
And you're gonna tell me before the end of the year,

470
00:23:16.880 --> 00:23:18.120
you're gonna tell me some good story.

471
00:23:18.120 --> 00:23:19.520
Okay, thanks.

472
00:23:19.520 --> 00:23:21.720
You bet, Jeanette, for calling me out.

473
00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:26.720
Hi, hi everybody.

474
00:23:27.400 --> 00:23:29.400
So I agree with you,

475
00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:31.920
I was in a relationship for nine and a half years

476
00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:33.760
and I'm so glad I'm over it

477
00:23:33.760 --> 00:23:37.240
and three years out, like not with that guy.

478
00:23:37.240 --> 00:23:40.600
So I feel healed over those three years,

479
00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:43.640
I've had, I don't know, maybe six or seven dates.

480
00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:46.200
All of them were interesting and nice,

481
00:23:46.200 --> 00:23:49.720
but they weren't my person and I left okay with it,

482
00:23:49.720 --> 00:23:52.800
but I work a lot, I take care of my mom, you may know.

483
00:23:52.800 --> 00:23:56.680
And so I haven't, I've been, I feel better now,

484
00:23:56.680 --> 00:23:58.880
I feel like more intentional and not like working it

485
00:23:58.880 --> 00:24:01.560
as a job, but I look on the apps and things like that.

486
00:24:01.560 --> 00:24:04.400
I need some more money to pay for some actual apps

487
00:24:04.400 --> 00:24:07.720
so that I'm feeling like it's a better app to be on,

488
00:24:07.720 --> 00:24:09.800
but separately, so I just wanted to speak about that,

489
00:24:09.800 --> 00:24:11.480
to see if you had anything specific

490
00:24:11.480 --> 00:24:13.440
about what I could be doing differently,

491
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:14.960
because I am working a lot.

492
00:24:14.960 --> 00:24:17.560
Okay, you guys, I want to say something.

493
00:24:17.560 --> 00:24:20.400
Do you want to know, does anybody follow,

494
00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:23.680
I might be showing my age, crazy busy mama,

495
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:26.360
crazy busy mama, Lori Conway,

496
00:24:26.360 --> 00:24:31.240
she lives in Missouri, Minnesota,

497
00:24:31.240 --> 00:24:34.600
one of those, Oklahoma, one of those little states.

498
00:24:34.600 --> 00:24:36.840
And she's a big influencer,

499
00:24:36.840 --> 00:24:40.560
she was married 25 years to her high school sweetheart

500
00:24:40.560 --> 00:24:42.920
and her husband dropped dead, like suddenly,

501
00:24:42.920 --> 00:24:45.120
at like 40 something years old.

502
00:24:45.120 --> 00:24:48.400
And she has spent the last year,

503
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:50.520
two, well, he's been gone two years

504
00:24:50.520 --> 00:24:52.040
and he has spent the last two years,

505
00:24:52.040 --> 00:24:54.520
she's spent the last two years like literally mourning,

506
00:24:54.520 --> 00:24:56.320
like cray cray.

507
00:24:56.320 --> 00:24:59.680
And she now just finally,

508
00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:00.520
she's been.

509
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.280
dating somebody that she just promoted on her socials.

510
00:25:04.280 --> 00:25:06.760
She met him on Facebook dating.

511
00:25:06.760 --> 00:25:11.760
Lisa Terzik, Lisa Terzik met her guy on Bumble.

512
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:16.760
And so you guys, we don't need a big,

513
00:25:16.760 --> 00:25:19.640
I met my person on Facebook dating.

514
00:25:19.640 --> 00:25:20.460
Right.

515
00:25:20.460 --> 00:25:23.120
Bethany met her guy on Facebook dating.

516
00:25:23.120 --> 00:25:24.720
So I don't want you guys to think

517
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:28.800
that you need to be on five apps or expensive app.

518
00:25:28.800 --> 00:25:33.800
Like, I believe that if you do it with consistency

519
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:38.400
and with joy, while you continue to do other things,

520
00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:41.360
God will get him on that app for you.

521
00:25:42.440 --> 00:25:44.600
Like, he's gonna get it to you.

522
00:25:44.600 --> 00:25:45.960
He's gonna get it to you.

523
00:25:45.960 --> 00:25:49.080
And so just do like, but remember you guys,

524
00:25:49.080 --> 00:25:51.400
if you're gonna do apps, I talk about this all the time,

525
00:25:51.400 --> 00:25:53.320
do apps easy.

526
00:25:53.320 --> 00:25:56.440
Pick one, check it in the morning.

527
00:25:56.480 --> 00:25:58.600
Only like, like for girls,

528
00:25:58.600 --> 00:26:01.920
only like the guys that like you first,

529
00:26:01.920 --> 00:26:04.820
because then you know, they already think you're cute

530
00:26:04.820 --> 00:26:07.360
and wait for them to reach out to you.

531
00:26:07.360 --> 00:26:09.920
Do not waste your time reaching out first,

532
00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:11.600
let them reach out to you.

533
00:26:11.600 --> 00:26:14.560
If you want a man who is pursuing you,

534
00:26:14.560 --> 00:26:16.640
he's doing the work.

535
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:19.440
If he likes you, you like him back,

536
00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:21.400
let him make that first connection.

537
00:26:21.400 --> 00:26:24.760
I spent so much time not chasing after men

538
00:26:24.760 --> 00:26:26.160
who didn't like me first,

539
00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:28.440
not chasing after men who didn't comment first.

540
00:26:28.440 --> 00:26:30.080
For me, none of those worked.

541
00:26:30.080 --> 00:26:31.760
So I just stopped doing it.

542
00:26:31.760 --> 00:26:34.240
It just was like, the data wasn't in my favor.

543
00:26:34.240 --> 00:26:35.440
So I just stopped doing it.

544
00:26:35.440 --> 00:26:38.520
I only responded to who reached out to me.

545
00:26:38.520 --> 00:26:41.080
And within a week, I was demanding,

546
00:26:41.080 --> 00:26:44.720
demanding, requesting a video or an in-person date.

547
00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:45.880
If we weren't gonna get it, I'd be like,

548
00:26:45.880 --> 00:26:47.680
hey, we're probably not in the same place

549
00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:48.560
in our dating season.

550
00:26:48.560 --> 00:26:49.640
I wanna date in real life.

551
00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:51.680
So I wish you well, bye-bye.

552
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:53.720
And then you only go out with those people.

553
00:26:53.720 --> 00:26:56.080
It really makes it so much faster

554
00:26:56.080 --> 00:26:59.000
and easier to weed through.

555
00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:02.000
And I did have a few canned answers in my notes

556
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:03.680
that I would cut and paste in.

557
00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:05.800
So I didn't have to like repaint and type

558
00:27:05.800 --> 00:27:06.880
some of the same things.

559
00:27:06.880 --> 00:27:09.440
And usually my standard answer with a lot of questions,

560
00:27:09.440 --> 00:27:11.800
as you guys know, is that's a really great question.

561
00:27:11.800 --> 00:27:13.520
I think it would be better and more appropriate

562
00:27:13.520 --> 00:27:14.840
to do on video chat.

563
00:27:14.840 --> 00:27:17.000
I would love to video chat with you.

564
00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:19.120
And that's gonna save a lot of time and energy.

565
00:27:19.120 --> 00:27:21.640
So I want you to have the mindset

566
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:24.760
that if you can only afford one

567
00:27:24.760 --> 00:27:27.320
and, or you have to get on a free one,

568
00:27:28.760 --> 00:27:30.440
God will bring them to you.

569
00:27:30.440 --> 00:27:32.160
He'll bring them to you at the grocery store.

570
00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:36.520
He will bring them to you through anything.

571
00:27:39.240 --> 00:27:40.480
I wanna say something about that

572
00:27:40.480 --> 00:27:44.160
because I had felt on and off frustrated

573
00:27:44.160 --> 00:27:45.400
that I didn't have the money

574
00:27:45.400 --> 00:27:47.240
or like for whatever stupid reason,

575
00:27:47.240 --> 00:27:50.480
my Google pay was not working with my debit card

576
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:51.440
on the dating apps.

577
00:27:52.200 --> 00:27:53.720
I was having so much struggle trying to do it.

578
00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:54.720
I'm like, I can't do this.

579
00:27:54.720 --> 00:27:55.560
This is ridiculous.

580
00:27:55.560 --> 00:27:56.720
It's not working.

581
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:58.280
So I'm not gonna fuss about it.

582
00:27:58.280 --> 00:28:00.640
I'm just gonna stick with the Facebook dating

583
00:28:00.640 --> 00:28:02.800
and the other free ones that I've been on.

584
00:28:02.800 --> 00:28:06.040
And, but what I wanted to talk about besides that,

585
00:28:06.040 --> 00:28:08.720
thank you, I've listened and remembered what you've said,

586
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:11.320
Renee, and I have done what you've said.

587
00:28:11.320 --> 00:28:13.440
I am not getting discouraged anymore

588
00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:15.800
that men aren't liking me or they're not responding me.

589
00:28:15.800 --> 00:28:17.080
I'm not giving that extra.

590
00:28:17.080 --> 00:28:20.920
I do not have extra minutes to waste in my precious day.

591
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:22.720
I have everything.

592
00:28:23.720 --> 00:28:27.200
I don't like that my day is the way that it is, but it is.

593
00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:30.280
So I'm giving the amount of time that I have to it

594
00:28:30.280 --> 00:28:31.720
around everything else.

595
00:28:31.720 --> 00:28:34.840
But what I wanted to speak about was that a few days ago,

596
00:28:34.840 --> 00:28:36.960
I met a gentleman on TikTok.

597
00:28:36.960 --> 00:28:39.160
I am barely ever on TikTok.

598
00:28:39.160 --> 00:28:42.120
And anyways, we chatted for a few times

599
00:28:42.120 --> 00:28:45.480
and then I decided to go ahead and say,

600
00:28:45.480 --> 00:28:47.360
he started giving some more information

601
00:28:47.360 --> 00:28:50.200
and I was like, well, why don't we talk on the phone?

602
00:28:50.240 --> 00:28:51.480
Would you like to give me your phone number?

603
00:28:51.480 --> 00:28:52.800
So he did.

604
00:28:52.800 --> 00:28:55.760
So then we start messaging and he sounds really great

605
00:28:55.760 --> 00:28:57.520
and very intentional and I'm excited.

606
00:28:57.520 --> 00:28:59.240
I'm thinking, oh, this is nice.

607
00:28:59.240 --> 00:29:02.000
Well, I went ahead and it was like only two days.

608
00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:04.960
So I went ahead and called him the next day.

609
00:29:04.960 --> 00:29:08.240
Renee, he speaks Spanish, but he speaks English

610
00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:10.440
and I can barely understand him.

611
00:29:10.440 --> 00:29:13.720
So I was a little frustrated and I'm like, okay,

612
00:29:13.720 --> 00:29:15.680
interesting, I don't know what I'm gonna do

613
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:18.560
with this right now, but I'm gonna go ahead

614
00:29:18.600 --> 00:29:20.560
and let him try and explain himself or whatever.

615
00:29:20.560 --> 00:29:23.040
So we had a few conversations and then like the next day,

616
00:29:23.040 --> 00:29:24.240
he's blowing up my phone.

617
00:29:24.240 --> 00:29:26.680
Hey, sweetheart, hey, beautiful, how's your day?

618
00:29:26.680 --> 00:29:27.920
And I message him back.

619
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:29.400
I'm like, listen, I'm a swim coach.

620
00:29:29.400 --> 00:29:30.240
I'm in the water.

621
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:31.800
I don't get back to my phone till eight o'clock

622
00:29:31.800 --> 00:29:33.520
and you're wondering where I am.

623
00:29:33.520 --> 00:29:34.920
And so like you were saying,

624
00:29:34.920 --> 00:29:37.080
someone blowing up your phone like that, it's not necessary.

625
00:29:37.080 --> 00:29:39.200
We've talked for a day and a half.

626
00:29:39.200 --> 00:29:40.280
Like it's too much.

627
00:29:40.280 --> 00:29:42.880
Okay, but let me, could I just pause you for a second?

628
00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:45.920
So this is something that I don't recommend.

629
00:29:45.920 --> 00:29:50.080
This is why I do not recommend going to cell phones.

630
00:29:50.080 --> 00:29:52.200
This is why I don't recommend that as the next step.

631
00:29:52.200 --> 00:29:56.000
I don't care if it's your own phone or a Google voice.

632
00:29:56.000 --> 00:30:00.000
It gives them too much, A, you continue the texting.

633
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.160
thing. Yeah. Or you call on the phone and you still don't see

634
00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:07.320
him. And it still give and then it what it does is it gives them

635
00:30:07.320 --> 00:30:12.760
immediate access to you. That is why I go from an app to either a

636
00:30:12.760 --> 00:30:19.360
live day or a video date. And I send a zoom link because I want

637
00:30:19.360 --> 00:30:24.320
them to have access to my phone. Yeah. Okay. So you need to do is

638
00:30:24.320 --> 00:30:30.720
say, hold on there buckaroo. Hold on. Let's go ahead. Like I

639
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:34.440
don't want to get in this text all day call all day thing.

640
00:30:34.640 --> 00:30:37.440
Let's go ahead and book since you've already given me your

641
00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:42.240
number. Can we FaceTime? Can we get on Facebook Messenger? Let's

642
00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:46.280
do a quick video. Let's schedule it. I'm not going to be able to

643
00:30:46.280 --> 00:30:49.760
respond to your text until after we have our meeting. I'm really

644
00:30:49.760 --> 00:30:54.760
busy this week. Yeah, you kind of nip that behavior in the butt.

645
00:30:56.600 --> 00:30:59.360
That's good. I want I'm glad you reminded me of that. But the

646
00:30:59.360 --> 00:31:02.360
other two things I wanted to ask what your opinion was. I'm in

647
00:31:02.360 --> 00:31:06.560
Florida. He's in Georgia. And I'm like, and so when he did

648
00:31:06.560 --> 00:31:09.240
message me a few days ago and say, you know, you didn't really

649
00:31:09.240 --> 00:31:11.840
respond to me after a really nice conversation for a day and

650
00:31:11.840 --> 00:31:13.920
a half. And now you haven't gotten back to me. I really want

651
00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:16.880
to know your thoughts. And I'm like, Oh, dear Lord. So I read I

652
00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:20.480
went ahead and told him, Look, I can barely understand you. I'm

653
00:31:20.480 --> 00:31:23.160
not really sure how we're going to communicate when we're so far

654
00:31:23.160 --> 00:31:26.800
away. We've not met that. I don't I don't feel comfortable

655
00:31:26.800 --> 00:31:27.280
with that.

656
00:31:27.320 --> 00:31:28.440
What's your question?

657
00:31:28.720 --> 00:31:31.880
So I'm wondering how to like, I'm glad you said I and I did

658
00:31:31.880 --> 00:31:35.240
ask him should can would you would you be willing to do the

659
00:31:35.240 --> 00:31:38.720
video dates, you know, calls and, and in person because I'm

660
00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:42.000
not wanting to do extended texting. And he said yes. So my

661
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:45.720
question is, is, if I'm already getting these flags kind of in a

662
00:31:45.720 --> 00:31:48.600
way, should I just end it? Because I'm not in a feeling of

663
00:31:48.600 --> 00:31:52.120
like, I'm desperate in the scarcity mode of like, there's

664
00:31:52.120 --> 00:31:56.120
no good guys. Yeah, I want to be open at the same time. Like,

665
00:31:56.120 --> 00:31:59.360
hey, he sounds like a nice guy. But I'm not sure how the barrier

666
00:31:59.360 --> 00:32:01.560
of the English, you know, language and

667
00:32:01.840 --> 00:32:06.200
feel like the the distance in the language, and his intensity

668
00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:10.280
is too much, then it's okay to walk away. You guys, you should

669
00:32:10.280 --> 00:32:14.120
feel like green flags. Yeah, you feel like especially in the

670
00:32:14.120 --> 00:32:17.520
beginning, if you're like, unless it's your own trigger

671
00:32:17.520 --> 00:32:21.560
happening, but if it's someone coming on full court press, and

672
00:32:21.560 --> 00:32:24.960
you are already coming up with five reasons why it's not going

673
00:32:24.960 --> 00:32:29.040
to work. Who cares? Like, if you were him, I might tell you to

674
00:32:29.040 --> 00:32:31.880
give him a chance. But if he's already long distance already

675
00:32:31.880 --> 00:32:35.280
has an English barrier, and he's kind of being pushy. Move it

676
00:32:35.280 --> 00:32:39.000
along. Yeah, move it along. All right. Was that your other

677
00:32:39.000 --> 00:32:42.840
question? Yeah, thank you. I need to be more intentional.

678
00:32:42.840 --> 00:32:46.040
Like you said about, let's go to a video date, and no phone

679
00:32:46.040 --> 00:32:50.320
number. I haven't done that. But I am. I am also busy. And so I

680
00:32:50.320 --> 00:32:52.480
haven't hardly had any dates. And I haven't had that many

681
00:32:52.480 --> 00:32:56.680
likes. But I'm also not feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with

682
00:32:56.680 --> 00:32:59.640
myself. It's just what's going on right now. Yeah. So I'm not

683
00:32:59.640 --> 00:33:01.560
sure if there's anything different I could be doing.

684
00:33:01.960 --> 00:33:05.240
No, I mean, I just think, I think if you're going to have

685
00:33:05.240 --> 00:33:09.400
low stakes energy, you guys have low stakes energy and how you

686
00:33:09.400 --> 00:33:13.200
respond to men. Like don't rise up. If someone if you're trying

687
00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:16.280
to come in with a level two or three energy of how you're

688
00:33:16.280 --> 00:33:19.400
dating, you're like, I'm gonna be chill about this. I might be

689
00:33:19.400 --> 00:33:23.440
a little snarky, I might be a little fun. If any guy or girl

690
00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:26.720
starts to elevate your energy, and you're starting to get

691
00:33:26.720 --> 00:33:30.240
stressed and panicked and pushed, then then you don't want

692
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:33.400
to be talking to that person. You want to be staying at this

693
00:33:33.400 --> 00:33:37.120
calm energy. Especially in the beginning, when you're just

694
00:33:37.120 --> 00:33:40.640
matching with people to stay calm. Don't try to over and

695
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:45.480
don't try to overanalyze a stranger. Just go next. All

696
00:33:45.480 --> 00:33:46.240
right, Pauline.

697
00:33:47.640 --> 00:33:51.640
Oh, sorry. I wanted to ask one more question. I'm sorry.

698
00:33:51.680 --> 00:33:53.600
Hey, no, no, no. Actually, you know what, I have a lot of

699
00:33:53.600 --> 00:33:55.920
people with their hand raised right now. So I will let you

700
00:33:55.920 --> 00:34:00.800
come back in when there's none. Okay. And I will, I'll let you

701
00:34:00.800 --> 00:34:02.080
come back in. Pauline, go ahead.

702
00:34:03.080 --> 00:34:06.800
Hi, Renee. Hi, everyone. Pauline, I'm in Singapore. So

703
00:34:06.800 --> 00:34:10.360
very glad to be able to be on these calls. So quick question.

704
00:34:11.239 --> 00:34:16.120
Thank you. Quick question. Do you have any guidelines, or

705
00:34:16.120 --> 00:34:20.639
tools or exercises that you will share with us to help us in you

706
00:34:20.639 --> 00:34:25.000
know, the recovery phase, the grieving phase? After we've come

707
00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:28.880
up, come out of say, like an exclusive relationship or a

708
00:34:28.880 --> 00:34:33.639
relationship like, Leslie was sharing? Yeah, because I've, I

709
00:34:33.639 --> 00:34:38.960
realized in my own journey, that what I typically do to work

710
00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:43.040
through my grief is talk to people just talk to God about,

711
00:34:43.040 --> 00:34:46.679
you know, as and when emotions come, I'll be like, God, what on

712
00:34:46.679 --> 00:34:50.600
earth was that, you know, and just kind of talk to him. But I

713
00:34:50.600 --> 00:34:54.960
still find myself, I guess, kind of feeling impatient, or kind of

714
00:34:54.960 --> 00:34:58.000
feel like some parts of the grief still comes up. Sometimes

715
00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:00.040
comes up sometime down the road.

716
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.320
And I'm kind of wondering, like, so am I actually ready to go back into dating or not?

717
00:35:05.320 --> 00:35:06.320
Because...

718
00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:12.240
So I'm so glad that you asked me this question because I just finished a whole semester of

719
00:35:12.240 --> 00:35:13.880
grief and loss counseling.

720
00:35:13.880 --> 00:35:16.720
So I'm going to share you some noodles that I learned.

721
00:35:16.720 --> 00:35:18.960
So here's the first thing we have to know about grief.

722
00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:20.960
Grief is not linear.

723
00:35:20.960 --> 00:35:23.840
So grief is going to come in waves.

724
00:35:23.840 --> 00:35:24.840
And just because...

725
00:35:24.840 --> 00:35:29.160
And like, I was telling you about that widow who's now dating this guy.

726
00:35:29.160 --> 00:35:32.440
She still desperately grieves her husband that died.

727
00:35:32.440 --> 00:35:37.400
She's actually holding space for grief and a relationship in both hands.

728
00:35:37.400 --> 00:35:43.800
So the first thing I'm going to encourage you guys to do when you have to grieve, grieve.

729
00:35:43.800 --> 00:35:44.800
Lament.

730
00:35:44.800 --> 00:35:48.960
If you don't know how to lament, go read the book of Lamentations.

731
00:35:48.960 --> 00:35:56.080
The book of Lamentations is a great way and a great model of lamenting before the Lord.

732
00:35:56.120 --> 00:36:01.240
And in that stage of lamenting, a lot of times, men and women, we want to learn what we did

733
00:36:01.240 --> 00:36:03.040
right and wrong in the relationship.

734
00:36:03.040 --> 00:36:04.120
We don't lament first.

735
00:36:04.120 --> 00:36:08.000
We think we're lamenting, but it's usually this, God, why did this happen?

736
00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:10.360
When was I supposed to learn?

737
00:36:10.360 --> 00:36:12.080
And so like, we're trying to learn.

738
00:36:12.080 --> 00:36:14.080
Like, so we're in our head.

739
00:36:14.080 --> 00:36:18.600
And so lament is in your heart and in your soul.

740
00:36:18.600 --> 00:36:24.520
So you want to make sure you're taking your time to lament, cry, be sad, listen to worship

741
00:36:24.520 --> 00:36:32.120
music, paint, walk barefoot in the sand, in the dirt, get grounding, do a yoga class.

742
00:36:32.120 --> 00:36:38.600
Whatever you normally do to grieve and soothe your soul.

743
00:36:38.600 --> 00:36:42.120
I'm sorry, these stupid benzolines, I still feel like I got spit in my mouth.

744
00:36:42.120 --> 00:36:50.060
Soothe your soul, do that, get a massage, light a candle, burn incense, go to a movie

745
00:36:50.060 --> 00:36:55.860
with a friend, watch a Netflix comedian that makes you do silly laughter.

746
00:36:55.860 --> 00:37:02.300
So first grieve, lament, cry, do what you need to do, and then do what soothes you.

747
00:37:02.300 --> 00:37:09.940
So lament, then soothe your soul, then, not till you're done with that, then you can go

748
00:37:09.940 --> 00:37:16.220
to the Lord and say, Lord, what is my side of the street on what happened in this relationship?

749
00:37:16.220 --> 00:37:21.900
I'm not here to dissect him or her, their unhealth, their crap, what didn't work.

750
00:37:21.900 --> 00:37:24.140
This is my part.

751
00:37:24.140 --> 00:37:30.980
Open up to me, start to reveal to me the part you wanted me to learn in this relationship.

752
00:37:30.980 --> 00:37:33.140
What were you trying to teach me?

753
00:37:33.140 --> 00:37:35.300
What are you trying to teach me?

754
00:37:35.300 --> 00:37:37.100
And let that unfold.

755
00:37:37.100 --> 00:37:38.100
Don't go digging it up.

756
00:37:38.100 --> 00:37:41.660
You know how Jackie and Bethany always talk about in the heart work, we're not supposed

757
00:37:41.660 --> 00:37:43.600
to go digging stuff up.

758
00:37:43.600 --> 00:37:46.960
So if you feel like nothing's coming up, let it go.

759
00:37:46.960 --> 00:37:51.320
Just say, okay, God, I'm not feeling like you're telling me yet, so I might not be ready

760
00:37:51.320 --> 00:37:53.580
to hear what you have to say to me yet.

761
00:37:53.580 --> 00:37:57.320
So I'm going to go back to lamenting, I'm going to go back to soothing, and I'm going

762
00:37:57.320 --> 00:37:59.800
to go back to caring for myself.

763
00:37:59.800 --> 00:38:06.640
You only want to step back in the dating game if you can go on a date without being cynical

764
00:38:06.640 --> 00:38:08.940
or scared.

765
00:38:08.940 --> 00:38:16.380
You want to make sure that you can go into a new date with curiosity.

766
00:38:16.380 --> 00:38:18.860
You're willing to be curious again.

767
00:38:18.860 --> 00:38:25.700
So if you can go start dating again, this really kind of leads back into Leslie's question.

768
00:38:25.700 --> 00:38:33.180
If you can go and be curious and not be cynical or afraid, then you can date.

769
00:38:33.180 --> 00:38:37.820
But that doesn't mean while you're already starting to be curious with new people that

770
00:38:37.900 --> 00:38:44.220
you still don't hold space to grieve and lament when it comes back up, and then soothe and

771
00:38:44.220 --> 00:38:45.860
care for yourself.

772
00:38:45.860 --> 00:38:50.220
And then ask again, okay, Lord, last week you didn't give me anything.

773
00:38:50.220 --> 00:38:55.220
I'm asking again, is there something you want me to learn in this situation?

774
00:38:55.220 --> 00:38:58.020
Is there an area that I need to grow in?

775
00:38:58.020 --> 00:39:02.820
And then if you feel like you're really still not, you know, this is where one-on-one counseling

776
00:39:02.820 --> 00:39:09.880
or therapy or pastoral care can kind of come in, or a trusted mentor, like, you know, Carol,

777
00:39:09.880 --> 00:39:13.900
you watch me just walk out that relationship with Rick.

778
00:39:13.900 --> 00:39:17.100
What do you think the Lord might have for me?

779
00:39:17.100 --> 00:39:19.260
I'm not feeling anything from the Lord.

780
00:39:19.260 --> 00:39:21.660
I trust what the Lord might tell you.

781
00:39:21.660 --> 00:39:22.940
What do you think?

782
00:39:22.940 --> 00:39:29.820
So I think all of those things can help you grieve, help you soothe, help you laugh, and

783
00:39:29.820 --> 00:39:31.860
help you be open again.

784
00:39:31.860 --> 00:39:38.980
But I do think it's okay to hold sadness and grief and joy in two hands.

785
00:39:38.980 --> 00:39:39.980
Does that help?

786
00:39:39.980 --> 00:39:41.380
Yeah, that's helpful.

787
00:39:41.380 --> 00:39:45.940
But I think because in my situation, there was also this element of, because as part

788
00:39:45.940 --> 00:39:51.100
of my relationship advisory circle, which was something that Jackie shared with us to

789
00:39:51.100 --> 00:39:59.420
set up in the book club, one of the members in my advisory circle is prophetic and I relied,

790
00:39:59.420 --> 00:40:04.420
I mean, not relied on, but I relied on the Lord and I relied on the Lord to help me.

791
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.440
but we constantly kind of like regularly we talk to each other and and so he would share with me

792
00:40:04.420 --> 00:40:05.420
So I think that's helpful.

793
00:40:05.420 --> 00:40:06.420
Yeah.

794
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:12.000
um about if he if he gets a sense that if this person is God's will or not you know that sort

795
00:40:06.420 --> 00:40:07.420
Yeah.

796
00:40:07.420 --> 00:40:08.420
Yeah.

797
00:40:08.420 --> 00:40:09.420
Yeah.

798
00:40:09.420 --> 00:40:10.420
Yeah.

799
00:40:10.420 --> 00:40:11.420
Yeah.

800
00:40:11.420 --> 00:40:11.420


801
00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:20.320
of thing and so I know I know to test the word and so I'm kind of like really frustrated and

802
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:26.400
confused in the by the recent experiences because the one that I was told that it's God's will for

803
00:40:26.400 --> 00:40:31.840
me turned out to be someone who really hurt me and and really brought up core wounds that

804
00:40:32.800 --> 00:40:38.560
just you know just suddenly erupted and then of course it didn't work out I took time to grieve

805
00:40:38.560 --> 00:40:44.960
I took break from dating uh here's what here's what you bring up a good point you guys here's

806
00:40:44.960 --> 00:40:50.080
what I can say about God's will and prophetic words I stayed in one of those I stayed in one

807
00:40:50.080 --> 00:40:56.320
of the worst relationships I ever was in because of the prophetic word that came with it and it was

808
00:40:56.320 --> 00:41:03.920
like he matched all the signs all the signs from prophesy your year and it was like ah and so a

809
00:41:03.920 --> 00:41:13.520
prophetic word has to be tested and it has to be I mean and not every prophetic word in is correct

810
00:41:13.520 --> 00:41:21.360
a um sometimes what we think is God's will was just ours and so sometimes and also the third

811
00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:28.240
is maybe God did want that union and match but we live in a world of free will so the Lord could

812
00:41:28.240 --> 00:41:36.080
have wanted somebody for us and if that person walked with the Lord and we walked with the Lord

813
00:41:36.080 --> 00:41:40.800
then we could have had this really great relationship but if that other person chose to

814
00:41:40.800 --> 00:41:47.440
sin and walk away from God's best then he's no longer the right or she is no longer the right

815
00:41:47.440 --> 00:41:52.320
match for us and so God will allow that relationship to fall apart so God's only

816
00:41:52.320 --> 00:41:57.600
going to want a relationship to stay together where we're both people are aligned with God

817
00:41:57.600 --> 00:42:02.960
but if he starts to see somebody fall away he's going to be like I got to get Renee on a rescue

818
00:42:02.960 --> 00:42:09.520
mission here and so I don't know if that's answering your question about God's will and stuff

819
00:42:09.520 --> 00:42:15.040
and it does it this is why I get really like I feel like we need to be very careful about using

820
00:42:15.040 --> 00:42:21.600
prophetic words on is somebody God's will or not because I also believe and Jackie says this all

821
00:42:21.600 --> 00:42:27.360
the time that there's not just one right person for you that God's actually going to give you

822
00:42:27.360 --> 00:42:33.360
a number of people to choose from that are part of his God's will for you because he you know he's

823
00:42:33.360 --> 00:42:40.000
the God of free will and choice and so there's not just one guy that he has for you Pauline

824
00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:46.960
he has probably a few healthy men and he's hoping if you guys can join together and be healthy

825
00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:53.200
together then that is his will it's not going to be his will if somebody falls out of favor with God

826
00:42:53.760 --> 00:43:00.640
and falls into sin and so I would just say and then whenever somebody's giving you a prophetic

827
00:43:00.640 --> 00:43:06.400
word about something it should never override how the relationship is going if the relationship is

828
00:43:06.400 --> 00:43:11.840
not moving forward if you are not getting confirmation from healthy people in your life

829
00:43:11.840 --> 00:43:18.720
if you are not feeling like that person is the safest person in your world then

830
00:43:20.160 --> 00:43:26.480
then I just feel like a prophetic word will come in alignment with everything else everything else

831
00:43:26.480 --> 00:43:33.680
should be clicking but I'm really sorry you went through that and I know that pain

832
00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:41.120
I know that pain and I'm super super sorry for you thank you you bet all right well you

833
00:43:41.120 --> 00:43:46.240
may not be good yet but you're gonna be great Stephanie asked a really great question which was

834
00:43:47.520 --> 00:43:52.320
what do you think had the greatest influence in you attaching securely for the first time was it

835
00:43:52.320 --> 00:44:00.560
spending was it something in him or was it shift in you it was both it was both so I finally got

836
00:44:00.560 --> 00:44:06.160
to a place in my life after four years in the program after what happened what happened with

837
00:44:06.160 --> 00:44:14.080
the guy before Brian was so unhealthy it was so scary and I felt so committed to especially because

838
00:44:14.080 --> 00:44:18.800
I was on the teaching team you guys like I felt like if I failed at this program then who was I

839
00:44:18.800 --> 00:44:24.400
to be teaching you all so I think I put a lot of pressure on the relationship to force something to

840
00:44:24.400 --> 00:44:30.720
happen and I think after I took a few months off and I even took if you guys remember I also took a

841
00:44:30.720 --> 00:44:35.360
few months off from the program I stopped teaching I focused on seminary like I kind of had to pull

842
00:44:35.360 --> 00:44:40.640
myself completely out and I got to the place where I'm like Lord you know what I don't want

843
00:44:40.640 --> 00:44:45.520
to say that I'm content being single because I'm not I still believe you've called me to be marriage

844
00:44:45.520 --> 00:44:49.760
I believe I'm going to have a kingdom marriage I believe I'm going to have a ministry with my

845
00:44:49.760 --> 00:44:56.800
husband I believe that but I also realize I'm an amazing person I have good a good family I've got

846
00:44:56.800 --> 00:44:59.760
great friends I've got great dreams and

847
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.040
I am not going to date anybody anymore.

848
00:45:04.040 --> 00:45:05.400
That's not a hell yeah.

849
00:45:05.400 --> 00:45:08.760
Like that's not just, you know how she says it's a yes until it's a no.

850
00:45:08.760 --> 00:45:12.000
It needs to be a heck yes.

851
00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:18.340
And I was deciding that with all of my relationships, I had done the work to realize I wasn't just

852
00:45:18.340 --> 00:45:20.560
unhealthy attaching to men.

853
00:45:20.560 --> 00:45:24.320
I was unhealthy attaching to bosses, to female friends.

854
00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:27.120
Like I was like the anxious, you know, avoidant.

855
00:45:27.120 --> 00:45:32.940
Like I was an anxious girl and I was attaching to, I was attaching to unhealthy people and

856
00:45:32.940 --> 00:45:38.080
I was letting all the unhealthy people leave my life.

857
00:45:38.080 --> 00:45:44.840
And I was only allowing people in my circle, my close circle that appeared really healthy.

858
00:45:44.840 --> 00:45:48.460
And here, here's how I knew it appeared really healthy.

859
00:45:48.460 --> 00:45:55.200
They gave me peace and they were safe and I didn't need to be codependent with them.

860
00:45:55.200 --> 00:45:57.800
I didn't need to do the heavy lifting.

861
00:45:57.800 --> 00:46:05.280
So I shifted my posture and then when I met Brian, I met Brian at the same time I met

862
00:46:05.280 --> 00:46:10.040
like a handful of guys, but Brian felt safe.

863
00:46:10.040 --> 00:46:12.240
Brian wasn't pushing me.

864
00:46:12.240 --> 00:46:17.440
Brian was pursuing me and Brian, I mean, he'll say the same thing.

865
00:46:17.440 --> 00:46:21.160
He'll say Renee is the first person that I felt safe with.

866
00:46:21.160 --> 00:46:27.640
She was the first person that I could ask for what I needed, even if it came out clunky.

867
00:46:27.640 --> 00:46:31.280
And so I think he was at the right place in his life.

868
00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:36.680
I was at the right place in my life and we both felt safe together.

869
00:46:36.680 --> 00:46:38.320
And we were like, oh, what's this?

870
00:46:38.320 --> 00:46:39.320
It's so calm.

871
00:46:39.320 --> 00:46:40.320
Wow.

872
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:41.320
I don't know how it happened.

873
00:46:41.320 --> 00:46:46.040
So it was a combination of both of us getting healthy at the same time.

874
00:46:46.040 --> 00:46:51.920
And it was really me just saying, you know what, Lord, unless it's amazing, I don't want

875
00:46:51.920 --> 00:46:52.920
to be married.

876
00:46:52.920 --> 00:46:53.920
I'm good.

877
00:46:53.920 --> 00:46:58.400
Now, that doesn't mean I was content with that because I hate when people use that phrase

878
00:46:58.400 --> 00:47:00.080
content in the singleness.

879
00:47:00.080 --> 00:47:01.600
Like I still mourned it.

880
00:47:01.600 --> 00:47:07.280
I was still sad at Christmas when I was alone and I was still sad at New Year's.

881
00:47:07.280 --> 00:47:09.080
So I still had my lament.

882
00:47:09.080 --> 00:47:15.160
Like I just said to Pauline, I still had lament moments, but that didn't mean I was going

883
00:47:15.280 --> 00:47:20.560
to desperately make it happen just for this program, just so I can say it happened just

884
00:47:20.560 --> 00:47:21.800
for whatever reasons.

885
00:47:21.800 --> 00:47:24.200
I hope that answered the question a little bit.

886
00:47:24.200 --> 00:47:26.320
Brittany Johnson, you're up.

887
00:47:26.320 --> 00:47:27.320
Hi.

888
00:47:27.320 --> 00:47:28.320
Hi.

889
00:47:28.320 --> 00:47:34.920
So I have a question and maybe I missed this while I was looking at like phase two, like

890
00:47:34.920 --> 00:47:39.440
the videos about attachment styles, but this is just a general question.

891
00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:46.600
I wanted to know how can you identify if someone has an avoidant attachment style within

892
00:47:46.600 --> 00:47:48.000
the three months?

893
00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:54.960
I've noticed the past couple of people I've dated, they were avoidant and they didn't

894
00:47:54.960 --> 00:48:00.780
feel at some point down the line, didn't feel emotionally safe, especially I was in my previous

895
00:48:00.780 --> 00:48:02.220
level three relationship.

896
00:48:02.220 --> 00:48:10.060
So I just wanted to know how could you identify that within like three months or so?

897
00:48:10.060 --> 00:48:14.140
So here's what I've noticed from pure avoidance.

898
00:48:14.140 --> 00:48:20.500
Pure avoidance actually come on pretty strong, almost like an anxious attachment person.

899
00:48:20.500 --> 00:48:26.380
They're wanting to lock you in into a relationship pretty quickly.

900
00:48:26.380 --> 00:48:29.020
They're going to start sharing all the feelings.

901
00:48:29.020 --> 00:48:34.020
So anxious and avoidant look pretty similar in the front end because they both kind of

902
00:48:34.020 --> 00:48:39.900
come in hot and they're feeling a lot of intensity.

903
00:48:39.900 --> 00:48:48.220
What usually happens with avoidance though is pretty early on, they might start dropping

904
00:48:48.220 --> 00:48:57.300
comments that will warn you that they're not good enough, that other people have left them,

905
00:48:57.620 --> 00:49:02.700
that like full stop and you're going to think they're being honest.

906
00:49:02.700 --> 00:49:06.260
Like you're going to think, oh my gosh, he just told me all his wounds.

907
00:49:06.260 --> 00:49:07.260
That's so great.

908
00:49:07.260 --> 00:49:09.220
He's so self-aware.

909
00:49:09.220 --> 00:49:15.500
But if somebody starts self-deprecating in the first month, it's either somebody who's

910
00:49:15.500 --> 00:49:21.740
unhealthy or it's their avoidant starting to like create the distance for you.

911
00:49:21.740 --> 00:49:26.140
And what they're kind of hoping is going to happen is that you actually break up with

912
00:49:26.140 --> 00:49:28.700
them before they break up with you.

913
00:49:28.700 --> 00:49:37.540
So I would say avoidance come in hot, they get you all hooked and then the second they

914
00:49:37.540 --> 00:49:43.420
feel like you're hooked, you'll start to slowly see it ebb away.

915
00:49:43.420 --> 00:49:49.020
An anxious attacher is going to do kind of like what Jeanette was talking about.

916
00:49:49.020 --> 00:49:52.600
If you don't respond fast enough, they're already asking you stuff.

917
00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:56.600
They're already like, they're needing to talk to you all the time.

918
00:49:56.600 --> 00:50:00.000
You can never give them enough reassurance.

919
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.120
They're just kind of coming in hot and they cling in closer.

920
00:50:04.120 --> 00:50:10.280
But that's why Jackie would say to you, clarity or curiosity the first month, clarity the

921
00:50:10.280 --> 00:50:13.880
second month, and having your friends kind of check in.

922
00:50:13.880 --> 00:50:18.840
Usually avoidance will not want to meet your people.

923
00:50:18.840 --> 00:50:20.560
Avoidance aren't going to want to meet your people.

924
00:50:20.560 --> 00:50:25.760
They're going to want to create a world that's just you and them.

925
00:50:25.760 --> 00:50:33.120
And so that's why like start in that second month having your people meet him and having

926
00:50:33.120 --> 00:50:35.440
you meet their people.

927
00:50:35.440 --> 00:50:39.520
Every avoidant I ever dated did not want me to meet their people and they didn't want

928
00:50:39.520 --> 00:50:41.480
to meet my people.

929
00:50:41.480 --> 00:50:44.400
Because that would kind of put them on the hook a little bit.

930
00:50:44.400 --> 00:50:45.400
Yeah.

931
00:50:45.400 --> 00:50:46.400
Yeah.

932
00:50:46.400 --> 00:50:47.400
That's good.

933
00:50:47.400 --> 00:50:48.400
And that's, that's good.

934
00:50:48.400 --> 00:50:50.440
Cause I was thinking about like, even like said, like the past couple of relationships

935
00:50:50.440 --> 00:50:51.440
I was in.

936
00:50:52.080 --> 00:50:57.880
I know personally for me, I would wait around like month three or four to try to bring them

937
00:50:57.880 --> 00:50:58.880
around.

938
00:50:58.880 --> 00:51:04.080
And then by then that avoidant would end up breaking up with me.

939
00:51:04.080 --> 00:51:06.400
And I know for me, I was like, wait, I'm missing something.

940
00:51:06.400 --> 00:51:12.220
And so I've been out of my previous relationship for four months now and I'm just taking a

941
00:51:12.220 --> 00:51:17.680
dating break because I'm still working through some things and I have some work stuff that

942
00:51:17.680 --> 00:51:20.480
I'm just trying to get like settled in with.

943
00:51:20.520 --> 00:51:27.040
But I did notice like, oh, I missed something early on because I'm a secure attacher and

944
00:51:27.040 --> 00:51:28.960
I was not always like that at all.

945
00:51:28.960 --> 00:51:30.400
I used to be avoidant too.

946
00:51:30.400 --> 00:51:32.360
And I still do with family members who are avoidant.

947
00:51:32.360 --> 00:51:38.360
So but it looks completely different because it's not a romantic relationship, obviously.

948
00:51:38.360 --> 00:51:39.360
Yeah.

949
00:51:39.360 --> 00:51:45.600
And I will say I started secure attaching with non-romantic people first.

950
00:51:45.600 --> 00:51:51.920
And that's probably what made it better with Brian was because I'd already learned, oh,

951
00:51:51.920 --> 00:51:55.040
this is what a secure friendship with a girl is like.

952
00:51:55.040 --> 00:51:58.320
This is what a secure attachment is with a boss.

953
00:51:58.320 --> 00:52:04.420
Like so I actually got to experience secure not with Brian so that when it was with Brian,

954
00:52:04.420 --> 00:52:09.080
I was like, oh, because and I'm glad I did because I probably would have thought it was

955
00:52:09.080 --> 00:52:10.080
boring.

956
00:52:10.080 --> 00:52:15.880
I probably if I secured attached with Brian before everybody else, I might have thought

957
00:52:15.880 --> 00:52:17.600
I wasn't interested enough.

958
00:52:17.600 --> 00:52:19.480
There wasn't enough spark.

959
00:52:19.480 --> 00:52:21.880
There wasn't enough chemistry going on.

960
00:52:21.880 --> 00:52:26.440
But yeah, it started to learn with secure attachment with other people.

961
00:52:26.440 --> 00:52:28.280
I was like, oh, this isn't boring.

962
00:52:28.280 --> 00:52:29.280
This is healthy.

963
00:52:29.280 --> 00:52:30.280
Oh, yeah.

964
00:52:30.280 --> 00:52:31.280
Yeah.

965
00:52:31.280 --> 00:52:39.160
And to your point, though, so I didn't put Brian in front of my family until month three.

966
00:52:39.240 --> 00:52:46.240
So the people I put in front of him were some godly couples that I had a relationship with,

967
00:52:46.240 --> 00:52:48.480
but they weren't even my best posse.

968
00:52:48.480 --> 00:52:53.520
They were just a couple godly couples in the church that I said, look, I got to like start

969
00:52:53.520 --> 00:52:58.480
putting people I date in front of people sooner because clearly my pick are still back.

970
00:52:58.480 --> 00:53:04.440
So and I so and I basically just said like, hey, you know, Brian, we met online.

971
00:53:04.440 --> 00:53:06.480
There's so much we don't know about each other.

972
00:53:06.480 --> 00:53:11.520
I would love us to both have, you know, have each other meet socially with some of our

973
00:53:11.520 --> 00:53:12.560
friends.

974
00:53:12.560 --> 00:53:13.880
These are not my posse.

975
00:53:13.880 --> 00:53:17.300
These are not my family members just to kind of start the ball rolling.

976
00:53:17.300 --> 00:53:22.640
So that's what I did in month two is my in fact, my family said to me, I don't want to

977
00:53:22.640 --> 00:53:23.640
run a year.

978
00:53:23.640 --> 00:53:25.360
We can't even keep up with all the people you're dating.

979
00:53:25.360 --> 00:53:30.760
Like that's about when if you think you love this guy, you think you really like this guy.

980
00:53:30.760 --> 00:53:32.020
That's what we'll be ready to meet.

981
00:53:32.020 --> 00:53:38.220
So I waited a month, three to meet his family and him meet my family.

982
00:53:38.220 --> 00:53:39.220
And I'm praying for you, girl.

983
00:53:39.220 --> 00:53:40.620
I'm sorry you went through that.

984
00:53:40.620 --> 00:53:41.620
Yeah.

985
00:53:41.620 --> 00:53:42.620
Thank you.

986
00:53:42.620 --> 00:53:43.620
Yeah.

987
00:53:43.620 --> 00:53:44.620
Candy.

988
00:53:44.620 --> 00:53:45.620
OK.

989
00:53:45.620 --> 00:53:46.620
Yes.

990
00:53:46.620 --> 00:53:47.620
Hi.

991
00:53:47.620 --> 00:53:48.620
Yeah.

992
00:53:48.620 --> 00:53:54.380
I have a questions about when the when the first month of curiosity, how can I not sounds

993
00:53:54.380 --> 00:53:59.060
like interrogating the person?

994
00:53:59.060 --> 00:54:01.860
That's really good because you guys, it was so funny.

995
00:54:02.700 --> 00:54:06.460
My cousin said to me like she was dating this guy at the time and I apparently did it not

996
00:54:06.460 --> 00:54:09.060
even with people that I was trying to date.

997
00:54:09.060 --> 00:54:15.020
And so I met her boyfriend and I at one point he goes, oh my God, I feel like I'm on a job

998
00:54:15.020 --> 00:54:16.020
interview.

999
00:54:16.020 --> 00:54:17.020
You're stressing me out.

1000
00:54:17.020 --> 00:54:19.420
And I was like, crap, I really do that.

1001
00:54:19.420 --> 00:54:28.540
So I've learned to keep the questions more philosophical, bigger, lighter.

1002
00:54:28.540 --> 00:54:32.580
And I don't fire a lot of questions in one sitting.

1003
00:54:32.580 --> 00:54:33.740
I let them marinate.

1004
00:54:33.740 --> 00:54:36.380
And I'm actually learning that as a chaplain.

1005
00:54:36.380 --> 00:54:42.220
Like when I go to a visit with somebody, when they tell me something, I've got 20 questions

1006
00:54:42.220 --> 00:54:43.220
ready.

1007
00:54:43.220 --> 00:54:44.980
Like I want to know all the answers with it.

1008
00:54:44.980 --> 00:54:51.900
And I'm learning that I don't need to know all of the answers on a given topic in the

1009
00:54:51.900 --> 00:54:54.460
in that one conversation.

1010
00:54:54.460 --> 00:54:59.700
So I might go into a date going, what are some, what are three to five fun questions

1011
00:54:59.700 --> 00:54:59.980
or.

1012
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.900
Good, you know, or maybe what's three fun questions to a little bit harder that I want

1013
00:55:05.900 --> 00:55:08.680
to ask in this date tonight.

1014
00:55:08.680 --> 00:55:14.560
And no matter what their answer is, I'm not going to ask them to explain more.

1015
00:55:14.560 --> 00:55:20.280
And those first dates, like they might say something like, well, you know, this happened

1016
00:55:20.280 --> 00:55:23.200
to me when I was a child and I think this impacted me.

1017
00:55:23.200 --> 00:55:24.200
Wow.

1018
00:55:24.200 --> 00:55:25.200
Thank you so much for sharing.

1019
00:55:25.200 --> 00:55:26.200
I'm learning.

1020
00:55:26.200 --> 00:55:29.760
I started to learn how to say, well, thank you so much for sharing.

1021
00:55:29.760 --> 00:55:33.240
Now I might go home and make a note of it, like, okay, at some point you need to ask

1022
00:55:33.240 --> 00:55:34.560
this dude about this.

1023
00:55:34.560 --> 00:55:36.640
Like you need him to explain this.

1024
00:55:36.640 --> 00:55:41.360
But I'm trying, I was, I, and I'm trying to do this in counseling sessions too.

1025
00:55:41.360 --> 00:55:44.880
I stop asking follow-up questions so much.

1026
00:55:44.880 --> 00:55:48.760
I let their answer breathe.

1027
00:55:48.760 --> 00:55:52.700
And so sometimes I just say, oh wow, thank you for sharing.

1028
00:55:52.700 --> 00:55:59.940
So sometimes I've learned, thank you for sharing and holding space allows them to give

1029
00:55:59.940 --> 00:56:04.660
you more information if they want to, without you actually having, asking them to give you

1030
00:56:04.660 --> 00:56:05.660
more information.

1031
00:56:05.660 --> 00:56:08.580
So paste your questions.

1032
00:56:08.580 --> 00:56:13.900
If you come in with normally with 10, ask five and keep, you know, at least two of the

1033
00:56:13.900 --> 00:56:15.380
five funny.

1034
00:56:15.380 --> 00:56:18.940
And if they give you a really good answer, like, wow, thank you so much for sharing.

1035
00:56:18.940 --> 00:56:23.540
I'm sure at some point we'll be, we could talk more about that.

1036
00:56:23.540 --> 00:56:24.820
That was such a good answer.

1037
00:56:24.820 --> 00:56:27.660
I would love to know more, but we don't have to talk about that now.

1038
00:56:27.660 --> 00:56:38.380
It's, it is being patient and letting the content come out and being silent sometimes.

1039
00:56:38.380 --> 00:56:41.980
And if they feel comfortable with you, Candy, they're going to start telling you without

1040
00:56:41.980 --> 00:56:43.300
you having to ask.

1041
00:56:43.300 --> 00:56:44.300
Right.

1042
00:56:44.540 --> 00:56:49.620
They did, they did mention, they did talk about, but then they get too deep into it.

1043
00:56:49.620 --> 00:56:50.620
Right.

1044
00:56:50.620 --> 00:56:56.020
So in the beginning, we have to be willing to sit in the tension of them not going too

1045
00:56:56.020 --> 00:56:57.020
deep.

1046
00:56:57.020 --> 00:56:59.140
We don't want them to go too deep in the beginning.

1047
00:56:59.140 --> 00:57:02.860
But they, if, but if he is going too deep, what should I, should I stop him?

1048
00:57:02.860 --> 00:57:03.860
Oh yeah.

1049
00:57:03.860 --> 00:57:04.860
You can go, yes.

1050
00:57:04.860 --> 00:57:09.700
If, if, if you feel like somebody is getting too deep, you can just say, and this is why

1051
00:57:09.700 --> 00:57:11.980
I'm, I'm a visual learner, right?

1052
00:57:11.980 --> 00:57:12.980
Whoa.

1053
00:57:12.980 --> 00:57:13.980
I literally do this.

1054
00:57:13.980 --> 00:57:14.980
Whoa, whoa.

1055
00:57:14.980 --> 00:57:16.340
Can we just take a timeout?

1056
00:57:16.340 --> 00:57:18.740
That is such great information.

1057
00:57:18.740 --> 00:57:20.380
I love talking to you too.

1058
00:57:20.380 --> 00:57:23.660
And we clearly seem really comfortable with each other, but I could tell we're starting

1059
00:57:23.660 --> 00:57:26.820
to go down to a too deep of a level.

1060
00:57:26.820 --> 00:57:28.340
Let's put a pin in it.

1061
00:57:28.340 --> 00:57:29.460
That's my favorite phrase.

1062
00:57:29.460 --> 00:57:31.060
Let's put a pin in that.

1063
00:57:31.060 --> 00:57:35.260
And let's get back to that, that I think we're getting a little too deep and heavy tonight.

1064
00:57:35.260 --> 00:57:40.500
So if he starts sharing, let's say if he starts sharing about his marriages and stuff like

1065
00:57:41.500 --> 00:57:42.500
that.

1066
00:57:42.500 --> 00:57:45.340
I have one time that I talked to the guy, he started, he said he has married twice and

1067
00:57:45.340 --> 00:57:46.840
divorced twice.

1068
00:57:46.840 --> 00:57:50.620
And then he started sharing and I said, well, and then he started asking me questions.

1069
00:57:50.620 --> 00:57:52.260
Then I said, well, normally I don't really.

1070
00:57:52.260 --> 00:57:53.260
Yeah.

1071
00:57:53.260 --> 00:57:56.180
So I redirect the, redirect the answer.

1072
00:57:56.180 --> 00:57:58.100
So just say, hey, you know what?

1073
00:57:58.100 --> 00:58:02.660
I actually don't want to know tonight why you got divorced.

1074
00:58:02.660 --> 00:58:04.300
What her role in, is it?

1075
00:58:04.300 --> 00:58:10.060
The only thing I'm actually curious about is what did you learn about yourself in the

1076
00:58:10.060 --> 00:58:15.420
divorce or what did you learn about yourself from the divorce that you're going to take

1077
00:58:15.420 --> 00:58:18.340
into your next relationships?

1078
00:58:18.340 --> 00:58:22.380
What have you learned about yourself that you will take into your next relationships?

1079
00:58:22.380 --> 00:58:24.620
Because I don't even want to say, what did you learn about yourself?

1080
00:58:24.620 --> 00:58:29.080
Cause then it's going to still turn into what they did or didn't do in the marriage.

1081
00:58:29.080 --> 00:58:33.600
What did you learn and how is that going to teach you to do something different going

1082
00:58:33.600 --> 00:58:35.160
forward?

1083
00:58:35.160 --> 00:58:37.440
So you're redirecting them.

1084
00:58:37.440 --> 00:58:43.200
And now if they say to you, and now, and I'll say this, take notice if they don't have an

1085
00:58:43.200 --> 00:58:44.320
answer for that.

1086
00:58:44.320 --> 00:58:49.160
If they don't have an answer for what did you learn and what are you going to do different?

1087
00:58:49.160 --> 00:58:56.120
Then they still haven't done the work and, or they still blame her or him or the divorce.

1088
00:58:56.160 --> 00:59:02.400
And so you want to make sure they've gotten to a place where, you know, they can say,

1089
00:59:02.400 --> 00:59:03.400
you know what?

1090
00:59:03.400 --> 00:59:06.680
In my relationships, I realized I was not good at communicating.

1091
00:59:06.680 --> 00:59:12.320
So going forward, I want to be a better communicator and I need to learn how to speak up sooner.

1092
00:59:12.320 --> 00:59:14.920
I need to not wait until I'm frustrated.

1093
00:59:14.920 --> 00:59:19.480
I know I need to be able to have hard conversations, even if it's going to hurt somebody's feelings.

1094
00:59:19.480 --> 00:59:22.920
Like you're looking for them to talk about that.

1095
00:59:22.920 --> 00:59:29.100
And so if they can't, then you're just going to say something like, well, you know what?

1096
00:59:29.100 --> 00:59:33.240
As we go forward and getting to know each other, that is actually something that I would

1097
00:59:33.240 --> 00:59:38.080
find way more valuable to learn about you than what went wrong in the marriage.

1098
00:59:38.080 --> 00:59:42.520
I really want to know what you'd like to do different this time, because I feel like it's

1099
00:59:42.520 --> 00:59:47.760
more important for us to glean what we've learned and how we're going to change going

1100
00:59:47.760 --> 00:59:49.760
forward.

1101
00:59:49.760 --> 00:59:51.920
But sometimes people just don't know any better.

1102
00:59:51.920 --> 00:59:53.380
So we kind of have to help them stop.

1103
00:59:53.380 --> 00:59:58.960
So sometimes I've literally had to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

1104
00:59:58.960 --> 00:59:59.800
And that usually helps.

1105
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:01.240
You bet, Tammy.

1106
01:00:02.360 --> 01:00:03.200
Thank you.

1107
01:00:09.000 --> 01:00:10.200
Rachel there, Tammy?

1108
01:00:14.800 --> 01:00:17.800
Okay, did I answer Crystal Parrott's question,

1109
01:00:17.800 --> 01:00:21.020
how do you not get attached when you get to know somebody?

1110
01:00:21.020 --> 01:00:24.120
Crystal, do you feel like I answered your question?

1111
01:00:24.120 --> 01:00:27.940
And I definitely think Brandon gave a good answer.

1112
01:00:27.940 --> 01:00:30.140
The best way to not get attached

1113
01:00:30.140 --> 01:00:34.380
is to not future talk too much, is stay in the present.

1114
01:00:34.380 --> 01:00:35.740
So my biggest thing,

1115
01:00:35.740 --> 01:00:39.060
when you are first getting to know somebody in month one,

1116
01:00:39.060 --> 01:00:42.120
you are getting to know who they are today

1117
01:00:42.120 --> 01:00:43.320
and where they're going.

1118
01:00:44.340 --> 01:00:47.100
This is not, if you're gonna find out about their past,

1119
01:00:47.100 --> 01:00:49.980
you might wanna find out that they were a baseball player

1120
01:00:49.980 --> 01:00:54.340
or they went to Denver, Colorado, whatever.

1121
01:00:54.340 --> 01:00:57.860
How you not get attached is you stay in the present

1122
01:00:57.900 --> 01:01:01.380
with your conversation, you do not future talk

1123
01:01:01.380 --> 01:01:03.660
and you do not past talk.

1124
01:01:03.660 --> 01:01:04.940
You don't do spiritual,

1125
01:01:04.940 --> 01:01:07.500
like you don't start praying together.

1126
01:01:07.500 --> 01:01:10.620
You don't start doing a lot of physical stuff

1127
01:01:11.800 --> 01:01:14.820
and you definitely don't daydream.

1128
01:01:14.820 --> 01:01:17.560
And you also watch your communication.

1129
01:01:17.560 --> 01:01:21.140
Don't text all day long, 500 times a day,

1130
01:01:21.140 --> 01:01:23.540
like pace yourself.

1131
01:01:23.540 --> 01:01:27.720
So hopefully that gives you some answers.

1132
01:01:31.100 --> 01:01:32.820
Y'all, I was good at daydreaming.

1133
01:01:32.820 --> 01:01:34.180
I mean, I used to be like,

1134
01:01:34.180 --> 01:01:36.380
I used to live a whole nother life in my head.

1135
01:01:36.380 --> 01:01:37.320
It was amazing.

1136
01:01:40.280 --> 01:01:41.200
Yeah, it's hard.

1137
01:01:41.200 --> 01:01:42.460
You guys, it's hard not to.

1138
01:01:42.460 --> 01:01:46.580
Okay, Sarah, Sarah Wattle.

1139
01:01:46.580 --> 01:01:47.580
Hi.

1140
01:01:47.580 --> 01:01:48.980
Hi.

1141
01:01:48.980 --> 01:01:51.900
I'm actually new to phase three, so I'm loving this call.

1142
01:01:51.900 --> 01:01:52.900
Thank you.

1143
01:01:52.940 --> 01:01:56.780
And speaking of daydreaming too much,

1144
01:01:56.780 --> 01:02:01.260
I think that's kind of the root of my question here.

1145
01:02:01.260 --> 01:02:04.180
So it's a specific scenario I have

1146
01:02:04.180 --> 01:02:06.980
and I've been working, trying to work through it

1147
01:02:06.980 --> 01:02:08.340
with one of the coaches.

1148
01:02:08.340 --> 01:02:09.180
Thank you.

1149
01:02:10.100 --> 01:02:13.500
Anyway, so there's a guy at work, newer guy,

1150
01:02:15.460 --> 01:02:18.740
and I just am trying to kind of figure out what to do here.

1151
01:02:18.740 --> 01:02:21.060
So I'm trying to get down to what my actual question is.

1152
01:02:21.060 --> 01:02:26.060
But when he started, there was some flirting.

1153
01:02:26.360 --> 01:02:29.220
He would seek me out for certain things,

1154
01:02:29.220 --> 01:02:30.260
help and all that.

1155
01:02:30.260 --> 01:02:32.620
And we were getting along well,

1156
01:02:32.620 --> 01:02:35.820
getting to kind of know each other a little bit.

1157
01:02:35.820 --> 01:02:39.660
At the beginning of last month, he liked me on Bumble.

1158
01:02:39.660 --> 01:02:43.340
Like I saw, I pay so I could see who likes first

1159
01:02:43.340 --> 01:02:45.780
or whatever, and I liked him back.

1160
01:02:45.780 --> 01:02:46.660
Waited a couple of days.

1161
01:02:46.660 --> 01:02:50.780
I sent a message or I waited a couple of days to like him

1162
01:02:51.540 --> 01:02:52.380
and send a message.

1163
01:02:52.380 --> 01:02:54.420
And we had a couple exchanges back and forth

1164
01:02:56.060 --> 01:02:57.100
and then nothing.

1165
01:02:57.100 --> 01:03:00.300
And at about that time, his work,

1166
01:03:00.300 --> 01:03:02.860
so I've been in my department for a while

1167
01:03:02.860 --> 01:03:05.900
and he's new and we're peers more or less.

1168
01:03:07.620 --> 01:03:09.160
And his work started picking up

1169
01:03:09.160 --> 01:03:11.660
and he traveled for several weeks straight and all of that.

1170
01:03:11.660 --> 01:03:14.180
And so I'm telling myself maybe that's what it is.

1171
01:03:14.180 --> 01:03:17.420
And anyway, he's been back in the office a few times,

1172
01:03:17.420 --> 01:03:18.300
still nothing.

1173
01:03:18.340 --> 01:03:22.780
I've at this point deleted or unmatched

1174
01:03:22.780 --> 01:03:25.780
because I'm tired of being anxious and thinking about it.

1175
01:03:27.060 --> 01:03:29.660
And I've been trying to get over him.

1176
01:03:30.500 --> 01:03:33.900
Ebony also suggested that I kind of do like a 30 day

1177
01:03:33.900 --> 01:03:36.020
fast from dating in general,

1178
01:03:36.020 --> 01:03:37.620
which I'm trying to work through.

1179
01:03:37.620 --> 01:03:39.860
Normally I would like try to find someone new to date

1180
01:03:39.860 --> 01:03:42.260
to get over thinking about this, right?

1181
01:03:42.260 --> 01:03:47.260
But anyway, I was starting to try to kind of get over this

1182
01:03:47.500 --> 01:03:48.700
and thinking about him.

1183
01:03:48.700 --> 01:03:52.420
And then today I had a surprise and had to present to him

1184
01:03:52.420 --> 01:03:55.540
and like two other people for over two hours.

1185
01:03:55.540 --> 01:03:59.820
And it was just, it was a surprise

1186
01:03:59.820 --> 01:04:01.460
and I was nervous about it.

1187
01:04:01.460 --> 01:04:03.800
It went well, but then he was like telling me stuff

1188
01:04:03.800 --> 01:04:07.900
about how he's just had to travel for four weeks straight

1189
01:04:07.900 --> 01:04:12.140
and after next week he should be able to have more time,

1190
01:04:12.140 --> 01:04:13.140
more time to relax.

1191
01:04:13.140 --> 01:04:15.020
And so I just have this hope in my head

1192
01:04:15.020 --> 01:04:17.380
that like something's still gonna happen,

1193
01:04:17.380 --> 01:04:19.700
but I feel like I'm just gonna setting myself up

1194
01:04:19.700 --> 01:04:20.540
for failure here.

1195
01:04:20.540 --> 01:04:23.460
I'm trying to figure out why I cannot move on from this.

1196
01:04:23.460 --> 01:04:25.980
I don't know why it bothers me so much.

1197
01:04:25.980 --> 01:04:30.980
So it's, you guys probably work in too close

1198
01:04:31.220 --> 01:04:33.780
of a proximity at work to be dating.

1199
01:04:33.780 --> 01:04:36.300
That's gonna be my, I used to be a boss.

1200
01:04:36.300 --> 01:04:37.500
I used to date.

1201
01:04:37.500 --> 01:04:41.020
I just don't believe you should fish off a company pier.

1202
01:04:41.020 --> 01:04:42.660
That's what we called it back in the day

1203
01:04:42.660 --> 01:04:44.460
is don't go fishing off the company pier.

1204
01:04:45.060 --> 01:04:47.460
You were in a building of a thousand employees

1205
01:04:47.460 --> 01:04:50.360
and you ran into him every now and then in the cafeteria.

1206
01:04:51.460 --> 01:04:53.820
So I actually think he,

1207
01:04:53.820 --> 01:04:56.340
and so he might be doing a little bit of this,

1208
01:04:56.340 --> 01:05:00.020
wait a second, we don't just work the same company.

1209
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.680
we are going to run into each other.

1210
01:05:02.680 --> 01:05:07.320
So I will tell you, it is probably not safe

1211
01:05:07.320 --> 01:05:08.960
for you guys to date.

1212
01:05:10.200 --> 01:05:13.920
So I don't know if that alone helps you.

1213
01:05:13.920 --> 01:05:15.080
I got to plug in.

1214
01:05:15.080 --> 01:05:19.480
I don't know if that alone helps you stop daydreaming.

1215
01:05:19.480 --> 01:05:23.480
So it is possible he went through this mental exercise

1216
01:05:24.760 --> 01:05:27.440
which, wow, she's kind of cute.

1217
01:05:28.040 --> 01:05:30.800
In a normal situation, I would give her a chance

1218
01:05:30.800 --> 01:05:33.480
or I would see how this would play out.

1219
01:05:33.480 --> 01:05:36.080
But I just started this job.

1220
01:05:36.080 --> 01:05:39.300
I can't afford for it to go awry.

1221
01:05:41.640 --> 01:05:43.440
And so, and I don't know.

1222
01:05:43.440 --> 01:05:45.280
I mean, Ebony's coaching you.

1223
01:05:45.280 --> 01:05:47.160
So I wouldn't want to tell you to do something.

1224
01:05:47.160 --> 01:05:50.120
She's saying potentially it could be the same thing.

1225
01:05:50.120 --> 01:05:51.200
I don't know that.

1226
01:05:51.200 --> 01:05:53.000
Here's the reason why I don't want you

1227
01:05:53.000 --> 01:05:54.380
to take a dating fest.

1228
01:05:55.380 --> 01:05:58.080
That gives him way too much power.

1229
01:05:58.080 --> 01:05:59.660
That gives this situation

1230
01:05:59.660 --> 01:06:02.420
that didn't even get off the ground way too much.

1231
01:06:02.420 --> 01:06:04.780
You take a 30-day dating fest

1232
01:06:04.780 --> 01:06:06.540
with somebody you broke up with,

1233
01:06:06.540 --> 01:06:09.260
not somebody that you exchanged a couple texts with.

1234
01:06:09.260 --> 01:06:11.740
And so what you're, and I get it,

1235
01:06:11.740 --> 01:06:12.820
like you're kind of-

1236
01:06:12.820 --> 01:06:16.340
And I think she saw, I'm being high level right now.

1237
01:06:16.340 --> 01:06:18.780
I think she saw some extra anxiety

1238
01:06:18.780 --> 01:06:21.340
that I'm potentially not showing on this call with everyone.

1239
01:06:21.340 --> 01:06:22.180
So-

1240
01:06:22.820 --> 01:06:25.820
That's why I'm saying I don't want to jump that.

1241
01:06:25.820 --> 01:06:27.660
And she knows more than I do.

1242
01:06:27.660 --> 01:06:32.660
I will say this, that is something that's worth,

1243
01:06:33.020 --> 01:06:34.180
and you guys always,

1244
01:06:34.180 --> 01:06:37.140
like when we start to get anxious about something,

1245
01:06:37.140 --> 01:06:40.620
that is always our opportunity to go like,

1246
01:06:40.620 --> 01:06:43.540
all right, I do a feelings chart.

1247
01:06:43.540 --> 01:06:45.180
When you're getting anxious,

1248
01:06:47.100 --> 01:06:49.100
there's a little fear,

1249
01:06:49.100 --> 01:06:51.740
and usually fear means you need help.

1250
01:06:52.260 --> 01:06:54.780
So find out where you need God's help right now.

1251
01:06:56.140 --> 01:06:58.420
So anxiety is something is happening

1252
01:06:58.420 --> 01:07:00.420
that's out of your control.

1253
01:07:00.420 --> 01:07:02.380
So it's making you a little fearful.

1254
01:07:02.380 --> 01:07:04.740
So are you afraid you're gonna get rejected?

1255
01:07:04.740 --> 01:07:08.100
Are you afraid he's gonna think that you're something?

1256
01:07:08.100 --> 01:07:09.260
Are you afraid he's gonna have

1257
01:07:09.260 --> 01:07:10.900
a negative opinion about you?

1258
01:07:10.900 --> 01:07:13.180
So maybe if you're feeling anxious,

1259
01:07:13.180 --> 01:07:17.140
write down every possible thing that you're afraid of.

1260
01:07:17.140 --> 01:07:21.860
And chances are 80, statistically 90%

1261
01:07:21.860 --> 01:07:24.180
of what we're afraid of never comes to pass.

1262
01:07:24.180 --> 01:07:25.020
Yeah, that's true.

1263
01:07:25.020 --> 01:07:25.860
So you can look at that list

1264
01:07:25.860 --> 01:07:27.580
and start knocking them all off.

1265
01:07:27.580 --> 01:07:30.060
And then you might take one that says,

1266
01:07:30.060 --> 01:07:32.580
he just didn't think I was cute enough.

1267
01:07:32.580 --> 01:07:37.580
Okay, if that's the worst answer that came out of this,

1268
01:07:38.260 --> 01:07:42.740
that's like, okay, but he doesn't even know me.

1269
01:07:42.740 --> 01:07:44.580
Like he hasn't even gone out on a date with me yet.

1270
01:07:44.580 --> 01:07:45.900
He doesn't even know me.

1271
01:07:45.900 --> 01:07:48.540
And so whatever.

1272
01:07:48.540 --> 01:07:51.500
So in general, I'm not gonna be a fan

1273
01:07:51.500 --> 01:07:55.300
of you trying to date somebody who just started a job

1274
01:07:55.300 --> 01:07:57.180
and you guys are gonna cross over that much.

1275
01:07:57.180 --> 01:07:59.700
It's probably not good for either one of you.

1276
01:07:59.700 --> 01:08:00.860
I know.

1277
01:08:00.860 --> 01:08:01.700
I was so hopeful.

1278
01:08:01.700 --> 01:08:03.020
We have a lot of couples in our department,

1279
01:08:03.020 --> 01:08:04.460
which is probably weird to begin with,

1280
01:08:04.460 --> 01:08:08.220
but I think I just totally got my head totally daydreaming.

1281
01:08:08.220 --> 01:08:10.780
And now I'm like, how do I stop this?

1282
01:08:10.780 --> 01:08:11.860
How do I stop this?

1283
01:08:12.220 --> 01:08:14.300
The daydreaming part.

1284
01:08:14.300 --> 01:08:16.859
Yeah, I mean, how do you stop the daydreaming?

1285
01:08:16.859 --> 01:08:18.220
Oh, golly.

1286
01:08:18.220 --> 01:08:20.300
There was, you guys, I had a board member

1287
01:08:20.300 --> 01:08:23.819
I daydreamed about for so long,

1288
01:08:23.819 --> 01:08:25.540
it's embarrassing to tell you.

1289
01:08:25.540 --> 01:08:27.700
Let's just say it was years.

1290
01:08:27.700 --> 01:08:30.779
I mean, and here's the bummer.

1291
01:08:30.779 --> 01:08:33.660
He was just enough friendly and flirty

1292
01:08:33.660 --> 01:08:35.060
that it kept it going.

1293
01:08:35.060 --> 01:08:35.899
Yes.

1294
01:08:35.899 --> 01:08:37.700
That's the problem with a daydreamy guy.

1295
01:08:37.700 --> 01:08:38.939
That's what happened today, yes.

1296
01:08:39.460 --> 01:08:42.700
They're just enough friendly and flirty.

1297
01:08:42.700 --> 01:08:46.300
So we have to speak out loud to ourself.

1298
01:08:46.300 --> 01:08:50.420
What is true, like, you know, in Jackie's famous phrase,

1299
01:08:50.420 --> 01:08:53.819
if a man is interested in you, he will cut off his arm

1300
01:08:53.819 --> 01:08:58.060
and he will use it as an oar to swim upstream to you.

1301
01:08:58.060 --> 01:08:59.100
Yeah, yeah.

1302
01:08:59.100 --> 01:09:01.700
So if he's not doing that for us

1303
01:09:01.700 --> 01:09:03.580
or she's not doing that for us,

1304
01:09:03.580 --> 01:09:05.460
we are not dreaming about them.

1305
01:09:07.060 --> 01:09:08.260
And then we start to, you know,

1306
01:09:09.220 --> 01:09:12.060
where does your mind go when it's idle?

1307
01:09:12.060 --> 01:09:13.140
That becomes your idol.

1308
01:09:13.140 --> 01:09:15.779
So we don't wanna make this guy become your idol.

1309
01:09:15.779 --> 01:09:19.500
And so we wanna ask God to just like, you know,

1310
01:09:19.500 --> 01:09:21.660
literally get up and go take a walk.

1311
01:09:21.660 --> 01:09:23.420
Like when you see him pinch yourself,

1312
01:09:23.420 --> 01:09:25.500
like, I mean, I don't know what you gotta do, girl.

1313
01:09:25.500 --> 01:09:28.380
Like, whatever you gotta do to snap yourself out of it,

1314
01:09:28.380 --> 01:09:31.260
even it's, snap yourself out of it, girl.

1315
01:09:31.260 --> 01:09:35.020
Like, I mean, like, just like do something goofy.

1316
01:09:35.060 --> 01:09:38.500
Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap the rubber band.

1317
01:09:38.500 --> 01:09:40.779
Like I know somebody has snapped a rubber band

1318
01:09:40.779 --> 01:09:43.020
on their wrist, like something that's gonna be,

1319
01:09:43.020 --> 01:09:46.620
and like have a verse ready or have a mantra.

1320
01:09:46.620 --> 01:09:51.540
Like, what's true is I don't know anything about him yet.

1321
01:09:51.540 --> 01:09:53.180
That's what's true.

1322
01:09:53.180 --> 01:09:55.580
And Sarah, we're gonna trust

1323
01:09:56.500 --> 01:09:59.900
that your guy is gonna be clear.

1324
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.940
and he's not gonna make you anxious.

1325
01:10:02.940 --> 01:10:03.780
Yeah.

1326
01:10:03.780 --> 01:10:07.580
If I've taught, if I reminded you guys anything tonight

1327
01:10:07.580 --> 01:10:12.580
is your guy or girl is not gonna cause you anxiety.

1328
01:10:12.700 --> 01:10:14.300
I just don't believe that.

1329
01:10:14.300 --> 01:10:15.820
I'm not saying it's not gonna be hard.

1330
01:10:15.820 --> 01:10:18.320
I'm not gonna say that you're not gonna have hurdles

1331
01:10:18.320 --> 01:10:22.360
to go through, but it's not gonna cause you anxiety.

1332
01:10:22.360 --> 01:10:24.940
Your person is not gonna cause you anxiety.

1333
01:10:24.940 --> 01:10:25.780
All right, girl.

1334
01:10:25.780 --> 01:10:27.900
I'm so glad to have you in phase three.

1335
01:10:27.900 --> 01:10:29.140
Welcome aboard.

1336
01:10:29.220 --> 01:10:30.060
Thanks.

1337
01:10:30.060 --> 01:10:32.680
As blunt as Jackie, not quite, but almost.

1338
01:10:33.820 --> 01:10:35.900
That's good, thank you.

1339
01:10:35.900 --> 01:10:36.940
Brandon, you're up.

1340
01:10:38.780 --> 01:10:39.620
Hey, Renee.

1341
01:10:39.620 --> 01:10:40.460
Hey.

1342
01:10:40.460 --> 01:10:44.140
So I have two questions that you've managed to trigger

1343
01:10:44.140 --> 01:10:44.980
in the space of an hour.

1344
01:10:44.980 --> 01:10:46.540
I wasn't even gonna have any questions today,

1345
01:10:46.540 --> 01:10:49.220
but I will not be offended if you limit me to one.

1346
01:10:49.220 --> 01:10:50.060
So-

1347
01:10:50.060 --> 01:10:51.580
You can ask two.

1348
01:10:51.580 --> 01:10:54.580
I just, at the time I had a lot of hands

1349
01:10:54.580 --> 01:10:56.020
and so we're good.

1350
01:10:56.020 --> 01:10:56.860
Okay.

1351
01:10:56.860 --> 01:10:59.820
So real quick, everybody else is sharing with strangers.

1352
01:10:59.820 --> 01:11:02.620
So I'm going to rise to the occasion, do the same.

1353
01:11:03.940 --> 01:11:07.620
So my question is, so I recently had a dating experience.

1354
01:11:07.620 --> 01:11:10.980
I did worse than date someone at my job.

1355
01:11:10.980 --> 01:11:13.060
I dated someone at my church.

1356
01:11:13.060 --> 01:11:14.180
I'm so sorry.

1357
01:11:15.140 --> 01:11:17.140
I don't think that's bad, but you know.

1358
01:11:17.140 --> 01:11:18.040
Oh, I do.

1359
01:11:18.040 --> 01:11:18.880
I do now.

1360
01:11:23.020 --> 01:11:26.140
It's, well, hey, when a Southern Baptist pastor

1361
01:11:26.420 --> 01:11:27.860
shows a willingness to set people up,

1362
01:11:27.860 --> 01:11:29.260
you kind of have a parade and you know,

1363
01:11:29.260 --> 01:11:30.740
you jump and you take advantage of it

1364
01:11:30.740 --> 01:11:33.420
because that doesn't happen in that denomination

1365
01:11:33.420 --> 01:11:34.420
for various reasons.

1366
01:11:34.420 --> 01:11:35.260
It's very rare.

1367
01:11:35.260 --> 01:11:39.820
So I was set up by my pastor

1368
01:11:39.820 --> 01:11:41.780
with someone who was really impressive.

1369
01:11:43.340 --> 01:11:45.340
This was last fall.

1370
01:11:45.340 --> 01:11:47.860
She was a very impressive gal for a lot of reasons.

1371
01:11:47.860 --> 01:11:51.220
And to keep it short, I ended up saying no

1372
01:11:51.220 --> 01:11:54.580
to the relationship and she kind of struggled with that.

1373
01:11:56.740 --> 01:11:59.500
So let me clarify, did you go on a number of dates

1374
01:11:59.500 --> 01:12:02.140
with her before you made this decision?

1375
01:12:02.140 --> 01:12:06.340
I went on two dates and had some other opportunities

1376
01:12:06.340 --> 01:12:09.740
to interact with her because we're not only at church,

1377
01:12:09.740 --> 01:12:13.300
we're in two, we're also on the worship ministry.

1378
01:12:13.300 --> 01:12:14.260
Yeah, okay.

1379
01:12:14.260 --> 01:12:19.260
So she, and it was a tough call for me because-

1380
01:12:20.260 --> 01:12:23.300
So she got that upset after only two dates?

1381
01:12:23.300 --> 01:12:27.340
Okay, not too upset.

1382
01:12:27.340 --> 01:12:29.540
I'll give you a little context on that.

1383
01:12:29.540 --> 01:12:31.460
I'm still trying to figure out just, you know,

1384
01:12:31.460 --> 01:12:34.260
was it a red flag that she did with you?

1385
01:12:34.260 --> 01:12:39.260
Anyway, so she is, if you know what a polymath is,

1386
01:12:39.780 --> 01:12:41.420
she was one.

1387
01:12:41.420 --> 01:12:42.540
She was very impressive.

1388
01:12:42.540 --> 01:12:44.660
She's a homeschool mom of four.

1389
01:12:44.660 --> 01:12:46.340
She's a first responder.

1390
01:12:46.340 --> 01:12:48.100
She's a professional archer.

1391
01:12:48.980 --> 01:12:52.580
She's an amazing vocalist and just a lot of stuff.

1392
01:12:52.580 --> 01:12:55.940
And just kind of being on the same spiritual frequency

1393
01:12:55.940 --> 01:12:58.100
and kind of the same, we read a lot of the same books

1394
01:12:58.100 --> 01:12:59.700
was really nice.

1395
01:12:59.700 --> 01:13:02.900
So we went on a couple of dates, got a chance to,

1396
01:13:06.020 --> 01:13:08.340
got a couple of, a chance to talk

1397
01:13:08.340 --> 01:13:10.660
and kind of hash things around.

1398
01:13:10.660 --> 01:13:14.900
And I felt very safe and very welcome with her,

1399
01:13:14.900 --> 01:13:18.660
which was a nice change, honestly, because it was really cool

1400
01:13:19.460 --> 01:13:24.140
and yet I was struggling because I just felt,

1401
01:13:24.140 --> 01:13:25.940
I just felt there was something there that wasn't there.

1402
01:13:25.940 --> 01:13:28.260
Now to have context, about 10 years ago,

1403
01:13:28.260 --> 01:13:29.820
I had a relationship with somebody

1404
01:13:29.820 --> 01:13:31.700
that was also very impressive,

1405
01:13:31.700 --> 01:13:33.060
but I didn't have a spark for it.

1406
01:13:33.060 --> 01:13:36.740
You know, I, you know, I wasn't chewing my arm off for her,

1407
01:13:36.740 --> 01:13:38.980
even though she was, she was awesome.

1408
01:13:38.980 --> 01:13:42.060
And that got, that got real, that got real icky.

1409
01:13:42.060 --> 01:13:45.420
It got real icky because, you know, that just wasn't there.

1410
01:13:45.420 --> 01:13:48.500
And I think she sensed it, right?

1411
01:13:49.180 --> 01:13:50.380
And, you know, you and Jackie and all,

1412
01:13:50.380 --> 01:13:53.100
you've talked a lot about, you know,

1413
01:13:53.100 --> 01:13:57.340
women can sense when the arm chewing isn't there.

1414
01:13:57.340 --> 01:13:58.180
Yeah.

1415
01:13:58.180 --> 01:14:00.780
You know, and it comes out a lot of ways.

1416
01:14:00.780 --> 01:14:05.100
It comes out as the guy not being certain of his pursuit,

1417
01:14:05.100 --> 01:14:08.140
not texting a lot, not reaching out a lot.

1418
01:14:08.140 --> 01:14:11.860
And that, you know, sometimes that's just the guy

1419
01:14:11.860 --> 01:14:13.180
thinking you're really impressive,

1420
01:14:13.180 --> 01:14:15.460
but not experiencing a spark.

1421
01:14:15.460 --> 01:14:20.340
And so I made the decision last Thanksgiving to,

1422
01:14:20.340 --> 01:14:21.420
I was just going to,

1423
01:14:21.420 --> 01:14:23.340
I thought about it long and hard, prayed about it.

1424
01:14:23.340 --> 01:14:25.700
I'm like, this gal is pretty dark.

1425
01:14:25.700 --> 01:14:26.980
She was divorced, but-

1426
01:14:26.980 --> 01:14:30.380
So I'm just curious, Brandon, why was she a no?

1427
01:14:30.380 --> 01:14:31.220
What?

1428
01:14:31.220 --> 01:14:32.060
Why did you-

1429
01:14:32.060 --> 01:14:33.620
Just, I was just hitting that.

1430
01:14:33.620 --> 01:14:34.460
Okay.

1431
01:14:35.460 --> 01:14:37.860
Just because of that, just because I was,

1432
01:14:37.860 --> 01:14:40.020
I was thinking about it long and hard

1433
01:14:40.020 --> 01:14:41.940
and just the quality of her kids, I thought,

1434
01:14:41.940 --> 01:14:44.620
settled, thought about her too, a lot.

1435
01:14:44.660 --> 01:14:47.900
But, you know, I just looked, I looked down at my arm

1436
01:14:47.900 --> 01:14:51.300
and I just, it didn't look appetizing.

1437
01:14:51.300 --> 01:14:54.420
And I just kind of had to say,

1438
01:14:54.420 --> 01:14:56.020
I can see this getting real icky

1439
01:14:57.020 --> 01:14:58.420
if I just don't make a call.

1440
01:14:58.420 --> 01:15:00.220
And so I just made a call and I just-

1441
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:01.600
decided to say no.

1442
01:15:01.600 --> 01:15:03.960
And I went to her,

1443
01:15:03.960 --> 01:15:05.240
talked it over with her,

1444
01:15:05.240 --> 01:15:08.560
told her I thought she was really awesome,

1445
01:15:08.560 --> 01:15:10.440
but that I just wanted to stay friends.

1446
01:15:10.440 --> 01:15:11.800
And that's what I said.

1447
01:15:11.800 --> 01:15:14.000
So I'm still curious what,

1448
01:15:14.000 --> 01:15:16.760
so she's an impressive human

1449
01:15:16.760 --> 01:15:18.360
and you weren't,

1450
01:15:18.360 --> 01:15:19.840
so you weren't feeling like,

1451
01:15:19.840 --> 01:15:21.840
you weren't always in the mood to call her.

1452
01:15:21.840 --> 01:15:23.440
Like you weren't wanting to call her

1453
01:15:23.440 --> 01:15:25.440
and see her and get to know more.

1454
01:15:27.000 --> 01:15:27.840
Yeah.

1455
01:15:28.800 --> 01:15:31.720
Even though conversation was definitely comfortable.

1456
01:15:31.720 --> 01:15:34.080
What do you think was missing?

1457
01:15:34.080 --> 01:15:35.360
Do you know?

1458
01:15:35.360 --> 01:15:36.200
No.

1459
01:15:37.200 --> 01:15:38.040
Okay.

1460
01:15:38.040 --> 01:15:38.880
No, I don't.

1461
01:15:38.880 --> 01:15:40.160
And she, and you know,

1462
01:15:40.160 --> 01:15:41.720
sometimes that's just it.

1463
01:15:41.720 --> 01:15:42.800
Sometimes that's just,

1464
01:15:42.800 --> 01:15:44.920
there's no, it's just mystery.

1465
01:15:44.920 --> 01:15:45.880
Do you think you might've been

1466
01:15:45.880 --> 01:15:48.440
a little intimidated by her?

1467
01:15:48.440 --> 01:15:49.880
Oh, I was definitely intimidated by her,

1468
01:15:49.880 --> 01:15:51.400
but in the right way.

1469
01:15:51.400 --> 01:15:53.920
And see, I'm operating off of some advice

1470
01:15:53.920 --> 01:15:54.760
my father gave me,

1471
01:15:54.760 --> 01:15:56.200
is that with the right person,

1472
01:15:56.200 --> 01:15:57.360
you will be intimidated.

1473
01:15:57.880 --> 01:15:58.720
Just the right amount

1474
01:15:58.720 --> 01:16:00.320
and for just the right reason.

1475
01:16:00.320 --> 01:16:02.640
And I would say that that's true.

1476
01:16:02.640 --> 01:16:03.920
Yeah.

1477
01:16:03.920 --> 01:16:06.560
Yeah, that's kind of healthy attachment.

1478
01:16:06.560 --> 01:16:08.000
Like if you respect her,

1479
01:16:08.000 --> 01:16:08.920
you'll kind of be intimidated,

1480
01:16:08.920 --> 01:16:09.760
but in the right way

1481
01:16:09.760 --> 01:16:11.520
and in just the right amount.

1482
01:16:11.520 --> 01:16:13.360
Don't be afraid of pursuing that.

1483
01:16:13.360 --> 01:16:16.320
But I just sensed the spark wasn't there.

1484
01:16:16.320 --> 01:16:18.880
And I decided to just say no.

1485
01:16:18.880 --> 01:16:19.720
Okay.

1486
01:16:19.720 --> 01:16:21.000
Now she's back in a relationship

1487
01:16:21.000 --> 01:16:22.040
with a previous boyfriend

1488
01:16:22.040 --> 01:16:24.760
who was right back to wasting her time, unfortunately.

1489
01:16:24.760 --> 01:16:26.800
She was, they've been together for four years

1490
01:16:26.800 --> 01:16:28.960
and doesn't know my business anymore.

1491
01:16:28.960 --> 01:16:30.840
Tell me what your question is, Brandon.

1492
01:16:30.840 --> 01:16:31.680
What's your question?

1493
01:16:31.680 --> 01:16:33.120
Yeah, my question is,

1494
01:16:33.120 --> 01:16:35.200
I'm just, what's the difference

1495
01:16:36.320 --> 01:16:41.320
between safe and healthy and boring

1496
01:16:43.040 --> 01:16:45.600
and just not, no spark being there?

1497
01:16:45.600 --> 01:16:46.920
What a great question.

1498
01:16:46.920 --> 01:16:49.840
That is what I'm trying to do.

1499
01:16:49.840 --> 01:16:51.680
That's a great question.

1500
01:16:51.680 --> 01:16:56.280
Because I have dated safe and boring

1501
01:16:56.280 --> 01:16:59.400
and I got all the way to Simbas with safe and boring.

1502
01:16:59.400 --> 01:17:01.400
Cause I kept going, well, it's a yes until it's a no.

1503
01:17:01.400 --> 01:17:03.120
And I kept telling everybody,

1504
01:17:03.120 --> 01:17:04.800
I wasn't feeling the spark

1505
01:17:04.800 --> 01:17:06.800
and I didn't really like all the things.

1506
01:17:06.800 --> 01:17:09.480
And there was like, it's going to come, it's going to come.

1507
01:17:09.480 --> 01:17:11.560
And finally afterwards, Jackie was like,

1508
01:17:11.560 --> 01:17:13.280
oh no, you waited too long.

1509
01:17:15.280 --> 01:17:18.680
And so I will say this.

1510
01:17:18.680 --> 01:17:23.680
I think that within four or five or six dates,

1511
01:17:24.360 --> 01:17:27.680
if you're not wanting to hold that person's hand,

1512
01:17:27.680 --> 01:17:31.120
now let me caveat the whole cut off the arm,

1513
01:17:31.120 --> 01:17:32.880
swim up shore thing.

1514
01:17:32.880 --> 01:17:35.560
I don't think that is a feeling a guy needs to have

1515
01:17:35.560 --> 01:17:37.400
in the first two dates.

1516
01:17:37.400 --> 01:17:40.480
I don't think he needs to be cutting off his arm in two days.

1517
01:17:40.480 --> 01:17:42.840
In fact, that would make me nervous.

1518
01:17:42.840 --> 01:17:46.560
I would say the arm cutting happened after about a month

1519
01:17:46.560 --> 01:17:49.680
of us really communicating,

1520
01:17:49.680 --> 01:17:52.160
spending a lot of conversation together

1521
01:17:52.200 --> 01:17:54.200
and hanging out together.

1522
01:17:54.200 --> 01:17:58.280
So how you know it's healthy safe

1523
01:17:58.280 --> 01:18:00.600
is you want to talk to them again.

1524
01:18:00.600 --> 01:18:02.360
You want to see them again.

1525
01:18:02.360 --> 01:18:04.600
You are at the end of the day

1526
01:18:04.600 --> 01:18:07.000
and you're booking the next date.

1527
01:18:07.000 --> 01:18:08.160
That's what it is.

1528
01:18:08.160 --> 01:18:10.520
That's all it needs to be in that first month.

1529
01:18:10.520 --> 01:18:13.880
No arms need to be getting cut off in the first month.

1530
01:18:13.880 --> 01:18:16.400
We just want you to be interested enough

1531
01:18:16.400 --> 01:18:19.800
that you're like, I know I just finished talking to her,

1532
01:18:19.800 --> 01:18:22.000
but I already want to talk to her again.

1533
01:18:22.840 --> 01:18:24.360
I already want to see her again.

1534
01:18:24.360 --> 01:18:27.280
I want to get to hang out with her again.

1535
01:18:27.280 --> 01:18:29.360
And I think I want to hold her hand,

1536
01:18:29.360 --> 01:18:31.920
but I probably shouldn't yet, but I kind of want to.

1537
01:18:31.920 --> 01:18:35.240
And I'm curious what it might be like to kiss her.

1538
01:18:35.240 --> 01:18:37.720
Like, I think those are normal things

1539
01:18:37.720 --> 01:18:40.000
that go with interest,

1540
01:18:41.360 --> 01:18:46.040
like that's not super sexual,

1541
01:18:46.040 --> 01:18:49.000
but it's not platonic either.

1542
01:18:49.000 --> 01:18:50.560
Like, so somewhere,

1543
01:18:53.560 --> 01:18:55.000
so that's what you're looking for.

1544
01:18:55.000 --> 01:18:57.760
You're looking for enough interest

1545
01:18:57.760 --> 01:19:00.160
that you really want to see them again.

1546
01:19:00.160 --> 01:19:02.160
Like, do you want to see her again?

1547
01:19:02.160 --> 01:19:03.760
Do you want to talk to her again?

1548
01:19:04.680 --> 01:19:07.840
Wow, it's been two hours and that time went by so fast.

1549
01:19:10.680 --> 01:19:12.000
That's what you're looking for.

1550
01:19:12.000 --> 01:19:12.880
Does that help?

1551
01:19:12.880 --> 01:19:16.680
Like, you should really want to see them again.

1552
01:19:16.680 --> 01:19:18.720
You should really want to talk to them again.

1553
01:19:19.440 --> 01:19:21.560
But not in a desperate sort of way,

1554
01:19:21.560 --> 01:19:24.440
but not in a like, I need to see them again

1555
01:19:24.440 --> 01:19:26.400
because I need to make this attachment happen.

1556
01:19:26.400 --> 01:19:29.040
But like, I genuinely like hanging out that,

1557
01:19:29.040 --> 01:19:33.080
but that's why Jackie calls that first month curiosity,

1558
01:19:33.080 --> 01:19:35.280
because you might really like,

1559
01:19:35.280 --> 01:19:37.560
like I have a friend who used to be in the program.

1560
01:19:37.560 --> 01:19:39.360
She's in that phase with this guy.

1561
01:19:39.360 --> 01:19:41.640
She's like, I really like hanging out with him.

1562
01:19:41.640 --> 01:19:44.480
I'm just not sure he's my person.

1563
01:19:44.480 --> 01:19:46.520
And I'm like, okay.

1564
01:19:46.520 --> 01:19:48.120
And this is where I will say at some point,

1565
01:19:48.480 --> 01:19:49.480
you might have to just kiss him.

1566
01:19:49.480 --> 01:19:51.160
Like, you might have to just figure it out.

1567
01:19:51.160 --> 01:19:52.280
Like, you might have to just see

1568
01:19:52.280 --> 01:19:53.720
if there's something there.

1569
01:19:53.720 --> 01:19:56.960
Like, sometimes we kind of make it such a big thing

1570
01:19:56.960 --> 01:19:59.400
that you need to just try.

1571
01:19:59.400 --> 01:20:00.240
But.

1572
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:01.880
Even if you don't, if you don't want to try,

1573
01:20:01.880 --> 01:20:03.900
like if you don't want to try to hold her hand,

1574
01:20:03.900 --> 01:20:05.760
if you don't want to try to kiss her,

1575
01:20:05.760 --> 01:20:09.020
that's a good sign that it's not your person.

1576
01:20:09.880 --> 01:20:10.960
Okay. Yeah.

1577
01:20:10.960 --> 01:20:13.080
Because I found after the second date,

1578
01:20:13.080 --> 01:20:15.040
I found myself going a week

1579
01:20:15.040 --> 01:20:17.280
and barely having even thought of her.

1580
01:20:17.280 --> 01:20:18.120
Oh yeah.

1581
01:20:18.120 --> 01:20:20.160
And I found that, I found that telling.

1582
01:20:20.160 --> 01:20:21.000
Yeah.

1583
01:20:21.000 --> 01:20:22.620
So I decided, okay.

1584
01:20:22.620 --> 01:20:23.460
And here's the thing.

1585
01:20:23.460 --> 01:20:24.920
You don't have to know why.

1586
01:20:24.920 --> 01:20:29.000
And you guys, that Brandon just brought you a good example

1587
01:20:29.000 --> 01:20:32.920
of he has no particular reason why.

1588
01:20:32.920 --> 01:20:35.200
She sounds like an amazing human.

1589
01:20:35.200 --> 01:20:39.320
However, the fact that she's gone back to a unhealthy guy,

1590
01:20:39.320 --> 01:20:41.520
we don't know, like she may not be as healthy.

1591
01:20:41.520 --> 01:20:44.900
And so he might subconsciously realize

1592
01:20:44.900 --> 01:20:47.240
that there's more unhealth, even though on paper,

1593
01:20:47.240 --> 01:20:49.620
she looks like a really good choice.

1594
01:20:49.620 --> 01:20:53.720
The fact that she's maybe going back to a situationship,

1595
01:20:53.720 --> 01:20:57.220
his health might be reacting to her,

1596
01:20:57.220 --> 01:20:58.980
something unhealthy in her,

1597
01:20:58.980 --> 01:21:01.100
but he can't put his finger on it.

1598
01:21:01.100 --> 01:21:02.460
So he doesn't have to know.

1599
01:21:02.460 --> 01:21:03.900
He just know it's a no.

1600
01:21:03.900 --> 01:21:05.660
He just knows it's a no.

1601
01:21:05.660 --> 01:21:07.740
And I'm sorry that at all.

1602
01:21:07.740 --> 01:21:11.660
I mean, to your point, again, this is why dating at church,

1603
01:21:11.660 --> 01:21:15.460
when you're in a population that's gonna cross over,

1604
01:21:15.460 --> 01:21:16.720
can get clunky.

1605
01:21:17.840 --> 01:21:18.680
Okay.

1606
01:21:18.680 --> 01:21:19.500
Yeah.

1607
01:21:19.500 --> 01:21:20.340
Yeah.

1608
01:21:20.340 --> 01:21:21.740
And it felt like a guess.

1609
01:21:21.740 --> 01:21:22.560
It really did.

1610
01:21:22.560 --> 01:21:24.500
It felt like me guessing what I needed to do,

1611
01:21:24.500 --> 01:21:25.460
a guess in the dark.

1612
01:21:25.460 --> 01:21:30.460
And I took a guess and I went to give her clarity afterwards

1613
01:21:30.740 --> 01:21:32.620
and instead of just ghosting her.

1614
01:21:33.580 --> 01:21:36.940
I think I guessed right because over the last three months,

1615
01:21:36.940 --> 01:21:38.560
I've gotten three DMs from her,

1616
01:21:38.560 --> 01:21:40.260
three DMs in three months that are telling me

1617
01:21:40.260 --> 01:21:42.700
a little too much about her current relationship

1618
01:21:43.540 --> 01:21:46.020
and are kind of indicating that she didn't wanna let,

1619
01:21:46.020 --> 01:21:48.500
she didn't like how things were between her and I.

1620
01:21:48.500 --> 01:21:50.580
And I'm like, I'm being as gentle as I can,

1621
01:21:50.580 --> 01:21:54.700
but like, girl, these boundaries are not unusual

1622
01:21:54.700 --> 01:21:58.060
that I'm trying to do here and I'm trying to protect this.

1623
01:21:58.060 --> 01:21:59.780
So I think I guessed right.

1624
01:21:59.780 --> 01:22:02.100
I think you made a right call.

1625
01:22:02.100 --> 01:22:05.020
I like that the Holy Spirit nudged you on the no

1626
01:22:05.020 --> 01:22:06.140
without you knowing,

1627
01:22:06.140 --> 01:22:09.440
but he's actually gonna start confirming that for you.

1628
01:22:09.440 --> 01:22:10.280
So Brandon-

1629
01:22:10.280 --> 01:22:11.380
Well, I just wanted to make sure.

1630
01:22:11.380 --> 01:22:13.220
I just wanted to make sure I hadn't guessed wrong

1631
01:22:13.220 --> 01:22:14.060
cause you really don't mean-

1632
01:22:14.060 --> 01:22:16.260
I'm also glad that I clarified with you

1633
01:22:16.260 --> 01:22:18.540
that you shouldn't be ripping off your arm

1634
01:22:18.540 --> 01:22:19.820
in the first month either.

1635
01:22:20.900 --> 01:22:22.620
Wanted to make sure that we did not put

1636
01:22:22.620 --> 01:22:23.900
that expectation on you.

1637
01:22:23.900 --> 01:22:27.340
Okay, you guys, I have a very,

1638
01:22:27.340 --> 01:22:29.380
I'm having a very hard time keeping up

1639
01:22:29.380 --> 01:22:30.940
with questions in the chat.

1640
01:22:30.940 --> 01:22:33.620
It's easier if you ask them on camera

1641
01:22:33.620 --> 01:22:35.000
than putting them in the chat.

1642
01:22:35.000 --> 01:22:37.460
So I'm trying to toggle and not be rude

1643
01:22:37.460 --> 01:22:39.460
to the person I'm talking to,

1644
01:22:39.460 --> 01:22:42.260
but I'm starting to see conversations happen in the chat

1645
01:22:42.260 --> 01:22:44.020
that I don't like the direction it's going in.

1646
01:22:44.020 --> 01:22:45.580
So like, I feel like I need to jump in,

1647
01:22:45.580 --> 01:22:47.300
but I might not be reading it all correctly.

1648
01:22:47.300 --> 01:22:51.580
So I'm gonna jump over to the chat for a section

1649
01:22:51.580 --> 01:22:54.740
because it kind of started with,

1650
01:22:54.740 --> 01:22:58.100
what do you say when they get too personal so fast

1651
01:22:58.100 --> 01:23:00.420
and they're like, hey babe, we just met.

1652
01:23:00.420 --> 01:23:01.540
And we just met.

1653
01:23:01.540 --> 01:23:04.980
You just, you move quickly into a conversation.

1654
01:23:04.980 --> 01:23:07.020
You either are disgusted by it

1655
01:23:07.020 --> 01:23:08.660
and you don't give them a chance,

1656
01:23:08.660 --> 01:23:10.980
or you think it's stupid and you just say like,

1657
01:23:10.980 --> 01:23:14.020
hey, do you have any real questions for me?

1658
01:23:14.020 --> 01:23:15.940
And then they ask you some questions.

1659
01:23:15.940 --> 01:23:17.660
Well, you know what, I'm really,

1660
01:23:17.660 --> 01:23:19.740
well, if you don't have a lot of questions,

1661
01:23:19.740 --> 01:23:22.460
I also really wanna meet a person in real life.

1662
01:23:22.460 --> 01:23:24.460
I'd be happy to have a video chat with you.

1663
01:23:24.460 --> 01:23:26.500
So you could either give them a chance,

1664
01:23:26.500 --> 01:23:30.300
if they have everything in their profile that is winning,

1665
01:23:30.300 --> 01:23:33.060
then give them a chance and try to help redirect it.

1666
01:23:33.060 --> 01:23:36.940
If there's not enough in their profile that's winning,

1667
01:23:36.940 --> 01:23:38.340
then just move it along.

1668
01:23:38.340 --> 01:23:39.180
Like, don't give it.

1669
01:23:39.180 --> 01:23:42.820
Okay, so then, so you said my favorite language

1670
01:23:42.820 --> 01:23:44.740
is physical touch.

1671
01:23:44.740 --> 01:23:46.620
You guys, I don't want you to slam

1672
01:23:46.620 --> 01:23:48.260
that a lot of men have physical touch.

1673
01:23:48.260 --> 01:23:50.460
Physical touch is my love language.

1674
01:23:50.460 --> 01:23:53.620
Physical touch is not just sex, right?

1675
01:23:53.620 --> 01:23:55.540
I grew up very Italian.

1676
01:23:55.540 --> 01:23:58.980
And so physical touch is like,

1677
01:23:58.980 --> 01:24:02.460
I like to touch the back of Brian's neck a lot.

1678
01:24:02.460 --> 01:24:04.980
I like to put my hand on his cheek.

1679
01:24:04.980 --> 01:24:08.180
My mother used to rub my head when I was little

1680
01:24:08.180 --> 01:24:11.700
and it used to be so soothing and it would like calm me.

1681
01:24:11.700 --> 01:24:14.820
And so just because somebody says physical touch

1682
01:24:14.820 --> 01:24:16.780
doesn't mean that they're trying to just have a sex with you.

1683
01:24:16.780 --> 01:24:18.540
So it says, are you?

1684
01:24:18.540 --> 01:24:22.700
And so then somebody said, let's see.

1685
01:24:22.700 --> 01:24:24.260
This guy's being like it.

1686
01:24:24.260 --> 01:24:27.460
Again, if you guys, yeah, this guy is being like that also.

1687
01:24:27.460 --> 01:24:28.300
I don't like it.

1688
01:24:28.300 --> 01:24:32.180
Jeanette, if he's doing behavior on text

1689
01:24:32.180 --> 01:24:35.380
that you don't like, then stop talking to them.

1690
01:24:35.380 --> 01:24:37.780
Like, so if you're already finding their behavior

1691
01:24:37.780 --> 01:24:39.420
inappropriate, texting.

1692
01:24:39.420 --> 01:24:42.220
So then Mandy wrote, I think the love language

1693
01:24:42.220 --> 01:24:44.300
physical touch is overused with men.

1694
01:24:44.300 --> 01:24:46.100
I see this all the time.

1695
01:24:46.140 --> 01:24:48.860
It's the Christian way to say they want physical touch

1696
01:24:48.860 --> 01:24:50.220
or expect physical touch.

1697
01:24:50.220 --> 01:24:52.580
When in reality, almost all people enjoy physical touch,

1698
01:24:52.580 --> 01:24:53.500
especially in marriage.

1699
01:24:53.500 --> 01:24:54.340
That's actually not true.

1700
01:24:54.340 --> 01:24:56.300
Not all people do enjoy physical touch.

1701
01:24:56.300 --> 01:24:59.940
There are different ethnic groups and cultures.

1702
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.000
that don't like physical touch.

1703
01:25:02.000 --> 01:25:05.980
And when we say physical touch, that's a pretty broad term.

1704
01:25:05.980 --> 01:25:07.680
Is it holding hands?

1705
01:25:07.680 --> 01:25:09.080
Is it hugging?

1706
01:25:09.080 --> 01:25:10.960
Now, I also will tell you guys,

1707
01:25:10.960 --> 01:25:13.360
even though physical touch is my love language,

1708
01:25:13.360 --> 01:25:15.600
I am very uncomfortable when strangers,

1709
01:25:15.600 --> 01:25:18.560
men and women, wanna touch me too quickly.

1710
01:25:18.560 --> 01:25:21.280
I hate when I meet somebody for the first time,

1711
01:25:21.280 --> 01:25:23.000
and they, especially women,

1712
01:25:23.000 --> 01:25:24.720
that are just enough tall enough with me

1713
01:25:24.720 --> 01:25:26.320
and they got big boobs,

1714
01:25:26.320 --> 01:25:28.140
and when they're like, oh, I'm a hugger.

1715
01:25:28.140 --> 01:25:28.980
Are you a hugger?

1716
01:25:28.980 --> 01:25:29.840
I'm a hugger.

1717
01:25:30.680 --> 01:25:32.580
I mean, before I even told her if I am a hugger or not,

1718
01:25:32.580 --> 01:25:35.420
I am now knee deep in her boobs.

1719
01:25:35.420 --> 01:25:37.420
So no, I don't like that.

1720
01:25:37.420 --> 01:25:38.820
And I like physical touch.

1721
01:25:38.820 --> 01:25:41.500
So I don't like physical touch from strangers.

1722
01:25:41.500 --> 01:25:43.100
I don't.

1723
01:25:43.100 --> 01:25:46.860
And I also don't like too much PDA.

1724
01:25:46.860 --> 01:25:50.020
And so we don't know what people,

1725
01:25:50.020 --> 01:25:52.940
if they know physical touch is their love language.

1726
01:25:52.940 --> 01:25:56.580
Now, I will say, for a lot of men,

1727
01:25:56.580 --> 01:25:59.740
they might like physical touch and or sex,

1728
01:26:00.600 --> 01:26:02.120
because that is the only way intimacy

1729
01:26:02.120 --> 01:26:04.640
was ever introduced in their life.

1730
01:26:04.640 --> 01:26:07.760
They may have only experienced intimacy.

1731
01:26:07.760 --> 01:26:10.560
I mean, soul intimacy through physical touch.

1732
01:26:10.560 --> 01:26:14.240
Like for me, some bad stuff happened to me when I was a kid.

1733
01:26:14.240 --> 01:26:17.760
So when I hear the word intimacy, I think sex.

1734
01:26:17.760 --> 01:26:20.040
So when people tell me I'm supposed to have intimacy

1735
01:26:20.040 --> 01:26:21.800
with Jesus, I was like, wait,

1736
01:26:21.800 --> 01:26:23.120
I'm not having sex with Jesus.

1737
01:26:23.120 --> 01:26:24.680
That's creeping me out.

1738
01:26:24.680 --> 01:26:28.160
So we just have to be really careful what people mean,

1739
01:26:28.160 --> 01:26:29.360
and we don't know what they mean.

1740
01:26:30.300 --> 01:26:34.620
And so let's not assume good or bad with physical touch.

1741
01:26:34.620 --> 01:26:36.620
We could assume bad with gifts, you guys.

1742
01:26:36.620 --> 01:26:38.860
We can assume someone's, oh, my love language is gifts.

1743
01:26:38.860 --> 01:26:39.820
Well, of course it is.

1744
01:26:39.820 --> 01:26:43.860
You're a materialistic, high-maintenance girl, right?

1745
01:26:43.860 --> 01:26:47.660
Like, no, gifts might be like the $5 Jujubees,

1746
01:26:47.660 --> 01:26:49.820
you know, from the candy store.

1747
01:26:49.820 --> 01:26:52.460
And so that was the only reason why I wanted to jump in.

1748
01:26:52.460 --> 01:26:55.240
There's, we really don't know what somebody means

1749
01:26:55.240 --> 01:26:58.120
by physical touch, but I can tell you this,

1750
01:26:58.500 --> 01:27:01.980
my husband, he would kill me.

1751
01:27:01.980 --> 01:27:03.660
Promise, you are not gonna tell him this

1752
01:27:03.660 --> 01:27:05.180
when you ever see him in person.

1753
01:27:05.180 --> 01:27:07.180
On our SIMBAS test, he told me,

1754
01:27:07.180 --> 01:27:10.500
he, it says how much you wanna have sex, right?

1755
01:27:10.500 --> 01:27:11.860
Yeah, guy thought, he's like,

1756
01:27:11.860 --> 01:27:13.560
we're gonna have sex more than once a day.

1757
01:27:13.560 --> 01:27:15.300
I was like, oh, crap, I haven't had sex

1758
01:27:15.300 --> 01:27:16.140
in a really long time.

1759
01:27:16.140 --> 01:27:18.340
I don't know if my body can handle more than once a day.

1760
01:27:18.340 --> 01:27:20.540
It has not been more than once a day, people.

1761
01:27:20.540 --> 01:27:23.020
What he really, what he didn't know

1762
01:27:23.020 --> 01:27:27.180
was he really wanted intimacy a lot with me.

1763
01:27:27.180 --> 01:27:30.920
Yes, he wants sex too, but he mostly wants intimacy.

1764
01:27:30.920 --> 01:27:33.420
And what he's learning in a healthy relationship

1765
01:27:33.420 --> 01:27:37.640
and a marriage with me is we are finding hundreds of ways

1766
01:27:37.640 --> 01:27:39.440
to be intimate with one another.

1767
01:27:39.440 --> 01:27:40.760
That's not just sex.

1768
01:27:40.760 --> 01:27:42.960
That's not just physical touch.

1769
01:27:42.960 --> 01:27:46.840
And so I just, I thought I would just jump in there

1770
01:27:46.840 --> 01:27:49.420
and get into that hot conversation.

1771
01:27:49.420 --> 01:27:53.040
And whew, okay.

1772
01:27:53.040 --> 01:27:56.040
Rachel, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna leave that there

1773
01:27:56.040 --> 01:27:59.180
and make everyone awkward with me and jump over to Rachel.

1774
01:28:01.460 --> 01:28:02.580
Hello, Renee.

1775
01:28:04.900 --> 01:28:06.740
Calling from Singapore.

1776
01:28:06.740 --> 01:28:08.540
Sorry, just want to ask you a question.

1777
01:28:08.540 --> 01:28:10.940
Just now you said there's hundreds of ways to be intimate.

1778
01:28:10.940 --> 01:28:11.780
Like how?

1779
01:28:11.780 --> 01:28:13.580
Apart from holding hands, apart from sex.

1780
01:28:15.540 --> 01:28:16.820
Were you asking me?

1781
01:28:16.820 --> 01:28:19.260
You wanna know how to be intimate?

1782
01:28:19.260 --> 01:28:21.240
Ooh, oh my gosh.

1783
01:28:22.180 --> 01:28:26.540
Well, intimacy, you know the phrase into me see.

1784
01:28:26.540 --> 01:28:31.060
So intimacy is being able to be fully known,

1785
01:28:31.060 --> 01:28:36.060
fully seen and loved in that space.

1786
01:28:36.300 --> 01:28:40.500
So like y'all, like I feel like I look really ugly tonight

1787
01:28:40.500 --> 01:28:41.580
and my husband on the phone,

1788
01:28:41.580 --> 01:28:42.860
cause he's on a business trip.

1789
01:28:42.860 --> 01:28:44.320
That's why he didn't even hear me say that.

1790
01:28:44.320 --> 01:28:47.820
That's why I told you not to tell him what I just told you.

1791
01:28:47.820 --> 01:28:50.580
Cause if he was sitting right there, he'd be mortified.

1792
01:28:51.460 --> 01:28:54.540
And so he is like, Renee, you are so beautiful.

1793
01:28:54.540 --> 01:28:58.900
And I'm like, I look so ugly right now.

1794
01:28:58.900 --> 01:29:01.860
But it's because we have this,

1795
01:29:01.860 --> 01:29:05.460
we can bear our soul with each other

1796
01:29:05.460 --> 01:29:08.540
and have really deep and meaningful conversations

1797
01:29:08.540 --> 01:29:10.400
with one another.

1798
01:29:10.400 --> 01:29:12.660
Sometimes it is just a touch.

1799
01:29:12.660 --> 01:29:14.660
Sometimes it is just a hug.

1800
01:29:14.660 --> 01:29:16.660
Sometimes it is just a hold,

1801
01:29:16.660 --> 01:29:19.380
but it's mostly sharing our deepest thoughts,

1802
01:29:19.440 --> 01:29:23.440
our feelings, our fears, our hopes, our joys.

1803
01:29:23.440 --> 01:29:25.560
It is praying together.

1804
01:29:25.560 --> 01:29:30.560
It is serving together.

1805
01:29:30.620 --> 01:29:33.920
Those are all things that create intimacy

1806
01:29:33.920 --> 01:29:37.440
because it's into me, see, see me.

1807
01:29:37.440 --> 01:29:39.960
So it's about, it's about getting,

1808
01:29:39.960 --> 01:29:43.600
it's about letting somebody get to know your inner inners,

1809
01:29:44.760 --> 01:29:45.760
your inner inner.

1810
01:29:46.300 --> 01:29:49.100
And, you know, like we can have intimacy

1811
01:29:49.100 --> 01:29:50.740
with somebody of the same sex.

1812
01:29:50.740 --> 01:29:55.460
Like I have a level of intimacy with my mother, you know,

1813
01:29:55.460 --> 01:29:58.060
and like, and some of it's touch,

1814
01:29:58.060 --> 01:30:00.260
but some of it's just the content that we.

1815
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:02.000
share with one another.

1816
01:30:02.000 --> 01:30:03.880
I have a level of intimacy

1817
01:30:03.880 --> 01:30:05.920
with some of my closest girlfriends

1818
01:30:05.920 --> 01:30:08.480
and it has to do the way that we care for one another,

1819
01:30:08.480 --> 01:30:12.220
serve together, share together and show up together.

1820
01:30:13.440 --> 01:30:16.200
So hopefully I've given you some window to that,

1821
01:30:16.200 --> 01:30:18.200
but that's a good question.

1822
01:30:18.200 --> 01:30:20.920
And I might have Jackie give us more of a teaching on that

1823
01:30:20.920 --> 01:30:23.820
because I think that's good for people to know

1824
01:30:23.820 --> 01:30:25.600
a little bit more about intimacy

1825
01:30:25.600 --> 01:30:28.740
and so it'll help you know,

1826
01:30:28.740 --> 01:30:30.460
because a lot of times she's talked to you guys

1827
01:30:30.460 --> 01:30:32.900
about not doing Bible studies

1828
01:30:32.900 --> 01:30:34.820
and praying together in that first month

1829
01:30:34.820 --> 01:30:37.980
because it can create a spiritual soul tie

1830
01:30:37.980 --> 01:30:40.620
and it can create spiritual intimacy.

1831
01:30:40.620 --> 01:30:44.980
And that's why she cautions against doing too much

1832
01:30:44.980 --> 01:30:47.300
faith stuff right away in your relationship.

1833
01:30:48.340 --> 01:30:50.560
Yeah, thank you for sharing Renee.

1834
01:30:50.560 --> 01:30:52.580
So I've got two questions here.

1835
01:30:52.580 --> 01:30:56.380
In, yeah, I'm in a level three relationship now.

1836
01:30:56.620 --> 01:30:57.460
Okay.

1837
01:30:58.700 --> 01:31:01.420
Yeah, so two things.

1838
01:31:01.420 --> 01:31:03.260
One, how do you manage quarrels?

1839
01:31:03.260 --> 01:31:04.100
Like what do you do?

1840
01:31:04.100 --> 01:31:06.100
How do you, how do you?

1841
01:31:06.100 --> 01:31:06.940
How do you?

1842
01:31:06.940 --> 01:31:08.220
Manage quarrels?

1843
01:31:08.220 --> 01:31:09.980
Quarrels or, you know,

1844
01:31:09.980 --> 01:31:14.860
and the second thing is when two people talk a lot,

1845
01:31:14.860 --> 01:31:16.740
like, you know, when you share

1846
01:31:16.740 --> 01:31:21.020
and how do you get air time in such a way

1847
01:31:21.020 --> 01:31:21.860
asking the person,

1848
01:31:21.860 --> 01:31:24.940
maybe give me five minutes of no question

1849
01:31:24.940 --> 01:31:26.780
and that whole space for me,

1850
01:31:26.780 --> 01:31:28.940
because it's always like, you talk, I talk, you talk,

1851
01:31:28.940 --> 01:31:32.760
I talk, and then I don't feel listened to enough.

1852
01:31:32.760 --> 01:31:35.460
And that could lead to at the end, like a quarrel.

1853
01:31:35.460 --> 01:31:39.060
So, and how do you manage and how do you manage quarrels?

1854
01:31:39.060 --> 01:31:42.120
Okay, so I love talking about conflict resolution

1855
01:31:42.120 --> 01:31:44.280
and it's the bottom of the hour.

1856
01:31:44.280 --> 01:31:47.020
So I could give a whole teaching on this.

1857
01:31:47.020 --> 01:31:52.020
So here's my short answer on quarreling.

1858
01:31:52.780 --> 01:31:54.360
Learn how to fight fair.

1859
01:31:56.100 --> 01:31:59.580
Use kind words when you disagree.

1860
01:31:59.580 --> 01:32:01.700
And the phrase I've teach people now

1861
01:32:01.700 --> 01:32:03.380
that I learned from the Murray method

1862
01:32:03.380 --> 01:32:06.880
is slower, lower, softer, SLS.

1863
01:32:06.880 --> 01:32:08.820
Learn that, write it down.

1864
01:32:08.820 --> 01:32:12.260
When you're about to have a conversation with somebody,

1865
01:32:12.260 --> 01:32:13.880
you're gonna come in slower.

1866
01:32:15.200 --> 01:32:17.740
You're gonna lower your voice

1867
01:32:17.740 --> 01:32:19.340
and you're gonna come in softer.

1868
01:32:20.260 --> 01:32:23.500
You're gonna put breath between the things

1869
01:32:23.500 --> 01:32:28.420
that you're saying and it starts to create the space

1870
01:32:28.420 --> 01:32:30.460
that you're looking for.

1871
01:32:30.460 --> 01:32:34.580
And it's nearly impossible that person

1872
01:32:34.580 --> 01:32:38.360
to not start to match that pace.

1873
01:32:38.360 --> 01:32:42.260
And if they come in hot, you're gonna sit back

1874
01:32:43.640 --> 01:32:45.380
and you're gonna take a big breath.

1875
01:32:47.140 --> 01:32:48.960
How many of y'all just breathed with me

1876
01:32:49.580 --> 01:32:50.420
when I did that?

1877
01:32:53.880 --> 01:32:56.360
And you're just gonna say to your person,

1878
01:32:56.360 --> 01:32:58.380
I love you, you love me.

1879
01:32:59.380 --> 01:33:02.540
Let's agree that when we're disagreeing

1880
01:33:02.540 --> 01:33:04.240
and somebody says something,

1881
01:33:04.240 --> 01:33:09.240
we're both gonna take a breath before we respond.

1882
01:33:12.120 --> 01:33:14.260
And actually our first question

1883
01:33:14.260 --> 01:33:16.680
after somebody says something is,

1884
01:33:17.520 --> 01:33:21.180
wow, I'm curious, tell me more.

1885
01:33:22.120 --> 01:33:25.320
This way you make sure they get it all out first.

1886
01:33:25.320 --> 01:33:27.500
I'm curious, tell me more.

1887
01:33:28.520 --> 01:33:29.920
So you see how much you guys,

1888
01:33:29.920 --> 01:33:32.160
you see how much I just slow down?

1889
01:33:32.160 --> 01:33:35.960
Like I'm like hot Yankee girl, like coming in hot,

1890
01:33:35.960 --> 01:33:39.800
but you see how much I kind of dropped the air

1891
01:33:39.800 --> 01:33:42.440
just by lowering my voice, slowing my voice.

1892
01:33:42.440 --> 01:33:44.040
I know it sounds crazy,

1893
01:33:44.040 --> 01:33:46.500
but I teach it all the time to people now.

1894
01:33:47.320 --> 01:33:48.580
I teach it to couples all the time.

1895
01:33:48.580 --> 01:33:52.420
And now this is really important for strong people,

1896
01:33:52.420 --> 01:33:54.380
strong, loud people for us to do this.

1897
01:33:54.380 --> 01:33:57.980
Cause as we get excited, our energy even goes higher.

1898
01:33:57.980 --> 01:34:00.580
If it's a possible, our energy gets higher.

1899
01:34:00.580 --> 01:34:04.820
Like I remember I was at my family reunion a few years ago

1900
01:34:04.820 --> 01:34:06.980
and it was like seven o'clock in the morning

1901
01:34:06.980 --> 01:34:09.260
and y'all passionate Italians at seven o'clock

1902
01:34:09.260 --> 01:34:11.140
in the morning, it was loud.

1903
01:34:11.140 --> 01:34:13.500
And I remember going, oh my gosh,

1904
01:34:13.500 --> 01:34:16.100
no wonder my staff thinks I'm yelling all the time.

1905
01:34:16.700 --> 01:34:18.340
Like we're just a lot.

1906
01:34:18.340 --> 01:34:21.460
And so add anger and add quarrel to it.

1907
01:34:21.460 --> 01:34:26.180
So that's my short two minute answer to you all

1908
01:34:26.180 --> 01:34:28.480
on how to handle quarrels.

1909
01:34:28.480 --> 01:34:32.580
Be kind, use kind words, do not kitchen sink.

1910
01:34:32.580 --> 01:34:36.100
The other phrase is when you're having a quarrel

1911
01:34:36.100 --> 01:34:38.820
about something and you're upset,

1912
01:34:38.820 --> 01:34:42.380
you're gonna discuss today's problems

1913
01:34:42.380 --> 01:34:45.860
with today's emotions today.

1914
01:34:47.060 --> 01:34:51.180
Today's problems with today's emotions today.

1915
01:34:51.180 --> 01:34:53.480
So if you're having a quarrel about something,

1916
01:34:53.480 --> 01:34:55.500
this is not the time for you to bring up something

1917
01:34:55.500 --> 01:34:58.340
that happened five months ago, five weeks ago.

1918
01:34:58.340 --> 01:35:00.340
It's also time for you to...

1919
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.880
Check in with your amygdala brain and go, okay, the reaction I'm having, I'm feeling

1920
01:35:04.880 --> 01:35:07.680
a level 10 reaction right now.

1921
01:35:07.680 --> 01:35:11.240
Does that match the thing that happened today?

1922
01:35:11.240 --> 01:35:18.120
If it's not matching the thing that happened today, I need to drop down and go, okay, Renee,

1923
01:35:18.120 --> 01:35:22.400
come in with the energy for the thing right now.

1924
01:35:22.400 --> 01:35:26.000
There's four other things bugging you, but now's not the time.

1925
01:35:26.000 --> 01:35:30.640
Deal with today's problem with today's energy today.

1926
01:35:30.640 --> 01:35:33.520
So that's my second little stink.

1927
01:35:33.520 --> 01:35:34.520
Thank you, Renee.

1928
01:35:34.520 --> 01:35:35.520
You bet.

1929
01:35:35.520 --> 01:35:39.320
Do you have to always resolve it?

1930
01:35:39.320 --> 01:35:40.320
No.

1931
01:35:40.320 --> 01:35:42.720
Oh, that's a good question.

1932
01:35:42.720 --> 01:35:48.800
I always used to think you had to resolve the argument in that conversation, but I'm

1933
01:35:48.800 --> 01:35:49.800
a verbal processor.

1934
01:35:49.800 --> 01:35:52.480
I'm like, let's just get it done.

1935
01:35:52.880 --> 01:35:58.520
Ryan is a internal processor and he needs time sometimes to process.

1936
01:35:58.520 --> 01:36:05.560
So if I could tell the argument is not getting anywhere and we're starting to be frustrated,

1937
01:36:05.560 --> 01:36:11.520
we're starting to lose our cool and possibly be unkind, it is okay to say, you know what?

1938
01:36:11.520 --> 01:36:13.160
We both have said a lot.

1939
01:36:13.160 --> 01:36:14.960
We're getting tired.

1940
01:36:14.960 --> 01:36:16.440
Let's put a pin on it.

1941
01:36:16.440 --> 01:36:17.560
Let's sleep on it.

1942
01:36:17.560 --> 01:36:23.040
Let's reconvene tomorrow or let's reconvene Wednesday.

1943
01:36:23.040 --> 01:36:25.800
So you pick a day in time to reconvene.

1944
01:36:25.800 --> 01:36:30.200
What you don't want to say is let's just talk about this later because then later never

1945
01:36:30.200 --> 01:36:31.200
comes.

1946
01:36:31.200 --> 01:36:36.800
You're both going to agree when you're going to reconvene.

1947
01:36:36.800 --> 01:36:39.640
What is a healthy rate for quarrels?

1948
01:36:39.640 --> 01:36:42.320
Healthy rate?

1949
01:36:42.320 --> 01:36:43.320
Like how often?

1950
01:36:43.320 --> 01:36:44.320
Yeah.

1951
01:36:44.320 --> 01:36:45.320
Bless you.

1952
01:36:45.600 --> 01:36:48.600
Bless you.

1953
01:36:48.600 --> 01:36:49.600
You know what, Brian?

1954
01:36:49.600 --> 01:36:51.840
I don't want to answer that question.

1955
01:36:51.840 --> 01:36:53.440
That's too big of a question.

1956
01:36:53.440 --> 01:36:55.780
I will say this.

1957
01:36:55.780 --> 01:36:59.800
I would hope that you more get along than not get along.

1958
01:36:59.800 --> 01:37:01.240
That would be my hope.

1959
01:37:01.240 --> 01:37:07.340
And I would hope the quarrels you have because you're having them in the moment are tiny

1960
01:37:07.340 --> 01:37:09.600
and you get past them really fast.

1961
01:37:09.600 --> 01:37:13.940
Like Brian and I might get in a quarrel that lasts about 45 seconds, but because we deal

1962
01:37:14.060 --> 01:37:19.900
with today's problems today with today's energy, we can get in and out of a quarrel in under

1963
01:37:19.900 --> 01:37:20.900
a minute.

1964
01:37:20.900 --> 01:37:22.460
Do you know what I'm saying?

1965
01:37:22.460 --> 01:37:28.280
But if you are quarreling about big stuff and it's taken up a lot of time and energy

1966
01:37:28.280 --> 01:37:33.460
every day or the majority of the days, I'd say that's a problem.

1967
01:37:33.460 --> 01:37:36.340
That's a problem.

1968
01:37:36.340 --> 01:37:38.100
But I'm not your therapist.

1969
01:37:38.100 --> 01:37:42.380
I don't know enough of the story so I don't want to make a blanket answer on that.

1970
01:37:43.340 --> 01:37:45.060
Crystal, did you have a question?

1971
01:37:45.060 --> 01:37:50.180
Yes, I do have a question or maybe some advice.

1972
01:37:50.180 --> 01:37:53.860
Totally different subjects than all of the other subjects.

1973
01:37:53.860 --> 01:37:55.500
Can you give me some advice?

1974
01:37:55.500 --> 01:37:59.940
I have a pattern and I'm looking at where to go to, I mean, back to heart work or whatever,

1975
01:37:59.940 --> 01:38:04.660
but Jackie always says hurt in community, healed in community.

1976
01:38:04.660 --> 01:38:07.340
This is a repetitive pattern that I have.

1977
01:38:07.340 --> 01:38:11.740
And then my pattern is to separate, disappear.

1978
01:38:12.620 --> 01:38:14.340
And I don't know how to deal with this.

1979
01:38:14.340 --> 01:38:19.180
I mean, I feel like I forgive the person that happens.

1980
01:38:19.180 --> 01:38:25.780
I mean, I can give you two, three examples that just happened recently in a row.

1981
01:38:25.780 --> 01:38:30.220
Are we talking about friends or just people in general?

1982
01:38:30.220 --> 01:38:37.540
In community, anywhere, like a church community, any type of community, business community.

1983
01:38:37.540 --> 01:38:40.460
It's a repetitive pattern.

1984
01:38:40.500 --> 01:38:44.540
So the pattern is you cut and run after somebody has hurt you?

1985
01:38:44.540 --> 01:38:45.540
Yeah.

1986
01:38:45.540 --> 01:38:48.500
Well, like, okay, so let me give you a couple examples.

1987
01:38:48.500 --> 01:38:50.620
Let me give you one example from church.

1988
01:38:50.620 --> 01:38:56.180
So I had a foster kid here with a mom and one of the girls from church is a doula.

1989
01:38:56.180 --> 01:38:59.260
So she's like, oh, let me come over, let me come over and help recipe in this.

1990
01:38:59.260 --> 01:39:03.380
So she came in, all the things, wanted to be involved, you know, like really came in

1991
01:39:03.380 --> 01:39:06.860
really fast, you know, brought all this stuff, brought all this clothes, did all this stuff,

1992
01:39:06.860 --> 01:39:09.060
and then kept checking in on how everything was going.

1993
01:39:09.060 --> 01:39:12.060
And the baby wasn't doing one morning, doing well one morning.

1994
01:39:12.060 --> 01:39:15.360
And the next thing I know, I had two cops and two ambulance at my house.

1995
01:39:15.360 --> 01:39:21.300
So anyways, long story short, I had to say to her afterwards, I was like, you know, I

1996
01:39:21.300 --> 01:39:25.980
would have appreciated if you could have given me some warning that you were sending these

1997
01:39:25.980 --> 01:39:28.420
people to my house.

1998
01:39:28.420 --> 01:39:32.860
Just for many reasons, many, many, many reasons, you know, that I could have explained to her.

1999
01:39:32.860 --> 01:39:37.860
And then afterwards, so when then I went to ask her something else, and she was like,

2000
01:39:37.860 --> 01:39:39.560
please don't contact me anymore.

2001
01:39:39.560 --> 01:39:43.060
If you have any problems, you know, figure out someone else to contact.

2002
01:39:43.060 --> 01:39:47.020
So then I was like, okay, Lord, I was like, what, what have I done?

2003
01:39:47.020 --> 01:39:50.940
So I texted her and I said, you know, if I've done something to offend you, I was like,

2004
01:39:50.940 --> 01:39:54.340
you know, could you please let me know and you know, I really sorry, I didn't want to

2005
01:39:54.340 --> 01:39:55.340
do anything to offend you.

2006
01:39:55.340 --> 01:39:57.380
So please forgive me.

2007
01:39:57.380 --> 01:39:59.860
Then at church, it's like, she shuns me, she sees me.

2008
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:04.880
the other direction, you know, so I just I just vacate like I'm gone.

2009
01:40:06.040 --> 01:40:08.640
Well, I mean, if somebody is going to behave that way with you,

2010
01:40:08.640 --> 01:40:14.080
then I thought what you were asking me about is you're the one cutting and running.

2011
01:40:14.080 --> 01:40:16.600
But if somebody puts a wall up with you,

2012
01:40:17.600 --> 01:40:20.640
especially if you don't have a long relationship with them,

2013
01:40:21.480 --> 01:40:25.640
you can walk away from that because if they if you guys

2014
01:40:25.840 --> 01:40:28.760
because that's the problem, like right now, we're living in a culture

2015
01:40:28.760 --> 01:40:33.160
where boundaries looks like people are either in or out for good and ever.

2016
01:40:33.800 --> 01:40:37.560
Like I if you go all the way, I don't even know if it's on there anymore.

2017
01:40:37.560 --> 01:40:41.960
But I taught a class years ago for us on advanced boundaries.

2018
01:40:41.960 --> 01:40:46.000
It's like there are circles of you bringing people into your place

2019
01:40:46.280 --> 01:40:48.320
and circles of you moving people out.

2020
01:40:48.520 --> 01:40:51.520
And right now we're in a season where if somebody brings somebody in,

2021
01:40:51.520 --> 01:40:54.680
especially too quickly when something happens,

2022
01:40:54.840 --> 01:40:56.680
we don't just move them back a little bit.

2023
01:40:56.680 --> 01:40:59.320
We shove them out the door and we don't hold.

2024
01:40:59.600 --> 01:41:01.760
I cut myself from the whole community.

2025
01:41:01.760 --> 01:41:03.160
Like, that's my problem.

2026
01:41:04.920 --> 01:41:06.800
Like, I'm churches.

2027
01:41:06.800 --> 01:41:09.640
Crystal, I'm like, I'm looking at the time I probably can't.

2028
01:41:09.840 --> 01:41:12.480
I don't know. It's such a good question.

2029
01:41:12.480 --> 01:41:13.840
It's such a great question.

2030
01:41:13.840 --> 01:41:18.160
I just don't know that I can do it justice without learning a little bit more

2031
01:41:18.800 --> 01:41:22.480
because the question I would be asked, the questions I would want to ask you

2032
01:41:22.480 --> 01:41:25.720
is when you connect with people, how close do you let them in?

2033
01:41:25.720 --> 01:41:27.840
How quickly do you let them into their story?

2034
01:41:28.080 --> 01:41:30.480
How intimate do those relationships go?

2035
01:41:30.760 --> 01:41:34.600
And then what happens before you cut them off?

2036
01:41:35.360 --> 01:41:36.800
Like I would need to know.

2037
01:41:36.800 --> 01:41:38.760
I would need to see more.

2038
01:41:38.760 --> 01:41:42.640
I would need way more data to learn what the pattern is

2039
01:41:42.640 --> 01:41:44.520
for me to give you the best advice.

2040
01:41:44.520 --> 01:41:46.600
I'd be happy to do a one on one with you, but that

2041
01:41:48.440 --> 01:41:50.200
so but that's a great topic.

2042
01:41:50.200 --> 01:41:53.960
And so be thinking about providing

2043
01:41:54.000 --> 01:41:56.000
like a little bit more context.

2044
01:41:56.000 --> 01:41:58.560
If you want to do that with me or with with somebody else,

2045
01:41:59.680 --> 01:42:03.640
we would probably need more information to know what the pattern is.

2046
01:42:04.160 --> 01:42:05.840
OK, you guys, I'm just realizing.

2047
01:42:05.840 --> 01:42:08.240
Brandon, do you have one more question or was your hand still up?

2048
01:42:08.520 --> 01:42:10.800
Yeah, I do have one more.

2049
01:42:10.800 --> 01:42:12.520
This is going to be the last question, you guys,

2050
01:42:12.520 --> 01:42:15.120
because she's going to kick my butt that I sit on the phone with you all this.

2051
01:42:15.560 --> 01:42:20.280
OK, go. OK, so my question is,

2052
01:42:20.440 --> 01:42:24.960
and you again, you you brought this up with something else.

2053
01:42:24.960 --> 01:42:27.040
You said earlier, Renee, so this is your fault.

2054
01:42:27.040 --> 01:42:31.160
But what what is the difference

2055
01:42:31.800 --> 01:42:36.040
between anxious attachment and having quality time

2056
01:42:36.560 --> 01:42:38.920
as your love language?

2057
01:42:40.360 --> 01:42:46.080
Because, yeah, story last year, a brief, brief dating pursuit that I had.

2058
01:42:46.120 --> 01:42:48.640
I was a bit more invested in this one.

2059
01:42:49.240 --> 01:42:50.760
This was last year.

2060
01:42:50.760 --> 01:42:53.600
But and this kind of followed a pattern I've noticed for a long time,

2061
01:42:53.600 --> 01:42:57.440
which is if somebody isn't answering me back much

2062
01:42:57.760 --> 01:43:02.520
and is really inconsistent with that, I I definitely spot a bit of,

2063
01:43:02.520 --> 01:43:06.920
you know, quick discomfort welling up, but I know how to not act on it.

2064
01:43:07.160 --> 01:43:10.440
Right. I know how to I know not to make assumptions.

2065
01:43:10.440 --> 01:43:12.160
I know not to bug them.

2066
01:43:12.160 --> 01:43:15.680
I know not to do things like that, like maybe they have a life, God forbid.

2067
01:43:15.720 --> 01:43:22.000
Right. And so, you know, I know I I know not to react to it that way.

2068
01:43:22.000 --> 01:43:25.400
And it really helps that I'm working on being insecure in God,

2069
01:43:25.440 --> 01:43:26.240
secure in Christ.

2070
01:43:26.240 --> 01:43:30.560
And so I have as my friend and I can I can just be OK, you know, by myself.

2071
01:43:30.560 --> 01:43:33.920
It's not fun, but I don't need that or the person to be constantly

2072
01:43:33.920 --> 01:43:36.200
coming back at me to make me feel good.

2073
01:43:36.200 --> 01:43:39.080
But then again, I've got another layer to it, which is

2074
01:43:39.760 --> 01:43:41.720
quality times my love language.

2075
01:43:41.720 --> 01:43:43.680
I like being invited places.

2076
01:43:43.680 --> 01:43:47.560
I like being remembered by my friends when I'm being left out

2077
01:43:47.560 --> 01:43:51.960
is like the worst form of hurt for me, I would say in my church community.

2078
01:43:53.400 --> 01:43:56.240
And I'm just do you have any thoughts on that?

2079
01:43:56.240 --> 01:43:59.560
Like how that.

2080
01:43:59.600 --> 01:44:01.200
So quality, I don't know.

2081
01:44:01.200 --> 01:44:03.800
Oh, here's the quality time is not quantity time.

2082
01:44:04.240 --> 01:44:08.000
Usually people who have a love language of quality time

2083
01:44:08.000 --> 01:44:10.280
is that they need meaningful time.

2084
01:44:10.280 --> 01:44:13.200
They don't need meaningful time every single day.

2085
01:44:13.760 --> 01:44:18.320
So anxious if I know I've got an anxious attachment to somebody.

2086
01:44:19.720 --> 01:44:22.520
I don't just enjoy their quality time,

2087
01:44:23.000 --> 01:44:27.280
but when I don't hear from them, I think all the bad things

2088
01:44:27.840 --> 01:44:32.320
when I don't get an email that makes sense or I don't get a text message

2089
01:44:32.320 --> 01:44:38.520
or I don't get a date from them or I feel like I got left out of a party

2090
01:44:38.840 --> 01:44:43.560
or I see them across the room and I start to narrate a story

2091
01:44:43.560 --> 01:44:46.840
that's not true and I start to get anxious.

2092
01:44:46.840 --> 01:44:50.880
So for me, anxious attachment is I'm starting to feel anxious.

2093
01:44:50.880 --> 01:44:52.040
I'm feeling anxious.

2094
01:44:52.040 --> 01:44:56.240
Like it is like when we don't talk and when we don't like when we're

2095
01:44:56.240 --> 01:44:59.000
when we're talking, I feel safe and secure.

2096
01:44:59.000 --> 01:45:00.040
But when we're not talking.

2097
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:02.000
I don't feel safe.

2098
01:45:02.000 --> 01:45:03.000
I feel anxious.

2099
01:45:03.000 --> 01:45:09.860
That's a good chance I'm having anxious attachment to somebody because safe, healthy attachment

2100
01:45:09.860 --> 01:45:16.360
is when you're apart from that conversation and that person, you still feel okay.

2101
01:45:16.360 --> 01:45:22.080
You're not like checking your phone, reading the text messages, doing a data analysis of

2102
01:45:22.080 --> 01:45:23.080
what it means.

2103
01:45:23.080 --> 01:45:29.960
And so for me, that's how I know anxious attachment is showing up when I'm starting to get anxiety.

2104
01:45:29.960 --> 01:45:35.800
When I haven't heard from them and then I start to narrate a story in my head, that

2105
01:45:35.800 --> 01:45:39.440
is just me spiraling.

2106
01:45:39.440 --> 01:45:45.240
So all right, it's almost 10 o'clock, so I've got to stop it, but this was so fun, y'all.

2107
01:45:45.240 --> 01:45:51.160
I'm glad you guys stayed on the call tonight and for whoever stayed on the call tonight

2108
01:45:51.160 --> 01:45:56.120
and Jackie will be on sometime this month and it will be fabulous.

2109
01:45:56.120 --> 01:45:58.000
And so I'm going to praise that real quick.

2110
01:45:58.000 --> 01:46:00.880
Father God, I just thank you for each and every single person here.

2111
01:46:00.880 --> 01:46:06.880
I appreciate everyone's willingness to be bold with their questions, to be honest.

2112
01:46:06.880 --> 01:46:13.040
I'm just so thankful that you love every single person here, that they are in community, that

2113
01:46:13.040 --> 01:46:15.680
they pursue you first.

2114
01:46:15.680 --> 01:46:20.360
Father God, I just ask that any place in their heart right now that is still feeling wounded

2115
01:46:20.360 --> 01:46:24.040
and hurt and disappointed, that you are close.

2116
01:46:24.040 --> 01:46:27.960
You say that you are close to the broken hearted, so I ask that you do that.

2117
01:46:27.960 --> 01:46:32.640
Father God, for those that have major prayer requests where they need to see your movement

2118
01:46:32.640 --> 01:46:38.320
in their life in some way, I ask that you begin to move that mountain for them.

2119
01:46:38.320 --> 01:46:42.200
Or as the song would say, if you're not going to move the mountain, move them.

2120
01:46:42.200 --> 01:46:46.360
And so we just ask you and we praise you and we thank you in Jesus name, amen.

2121
01:46:46.360 --> 01:46:54.640
All right, you guys have a great night and great weekend and we'll see you soon.