All right, well, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks week four.
We just have one more week, friends.
We're almost there.
Next week is going to be our last week, and we are going to do a hybrid of your homework
from this last week, week four and week five, because tonight, as I just said, before I
hit record, tonight is what we call our going deeper night, which means that I'm going to
do a little bit of dating coaching here at the beginning about non-negotiables versus
preferences, and then we're going to go into activations.
You're going to have three activations tonight, and my co-host, Cheryl Going, is going to
do that for you.
She also is part of this community.
She's been part of this community for a really long time.
She is on the staff here at Last Year Single.
For those of you that are part of Last Year Single, you recognize Cheryl.
She's probably answered some of your tech emails when you get stuck or when you're navigating
between phase one and phase two or phase three of our program, but she also has been
around for quite some time just on our team, and she is a prized member of our team.
She's one of our first peer coaches at Last Year Single, Married in 12 Months or Less,
and gentlemen, she is single.
If you're interested and you live near Canada or you live in Canada or you're willing to
relocate to Western Canada, Calgary, Alberta, that area, then hit us up.
Okay, so Cheryl's going to be doing those activations tonight with you, but before,
I'm going to do some coaching because some of you are really confused about what should
go on your non-negotiables versus preferences, and I'm actually going to add an edit to the
book itself that explains this a little bit deeper.
Sometimes, as an author, you think things are self-explanatory.
You think everybody kind of understands, but some of the questions that you guys have been
asking me in our Modern Dating Sucks group in the app tell me that this is a place where
you get really stuck, and the reason why it's important that I get you unstuck is because
this is going to keep you single.
This is sort of a non-negotiable for your future marriage.
It is a make-it-or-break-it area of your single life, and so I really want to help you make
sure that you stay out of your own way, you stay out of God's way in this area.
Just a little bit of housekeeping.
We do have one more session left.
A lot of you have not been putting any kind of questions in the app, so I want to encourage
you to put questions in the app.
Put questions in the optional Facebook group.
We will answer them.
We did have some sort of glitch in the app where questions were answered, but then the
answers disappeared, so if you are one of those people, fear not.
Those questions will be answered again.
I promise you all of your questions have been answered, but the app glitched, as apps often
do, and some of the answers disappeared from the chat, so I will be going through and taking
a look at that.
Okay, so you thought it started at 6 Mountain.
It did start at 6 Mountain.
It is 6 Mountain right now, and we're starting right now.
It's 6 Mountain.
It's 6 o'clock on the mountain, right?
Okay, all right, so for iPhone, whoever that person is, it is 6 Mountain, and we're getting
started right now.
Okay, all right, so yeah, 7 Central, 8 Eastern friends, and guess what?
We have a special encore of the book club on Sundays, so if you know a friend that just
isn't available on weeknights and they kind of need a weekend book club, Sunday evening
starting this Sunday, we're going to be having book club.
It is our last book club of the summer.
People were kind of complaining that they're not available on weeknights.
They have to work.
They don't get home in time, yada, yada, shish, boom, bada.
I understand.
That's why I'm going to make myself available on a Sunday evening for the next five weeks,
and so for those of you that know someone that would love to join but couldn't, make
sure that you pay that forward.
What we help make happen for others, God makes happen for us, and so let me tell you something
before we go into this non-negotiable versus preferences, short, light teaching, and you
go into your activations.
You have an opportunity to do something that we only started with this book club, and that
is you have an opportunity to roll over into the last year single program.
Put your hands up right now if you're in the last year single program currently.
By the way, I am going to be teaching Modern Dating Sucks material in our VIP session this
Thursday at 7 for you that are in LYS.
Go ahead, get your hands up if you are over there in LYS already, and then I want to see
some hearts.
I want to see some fire emojis.
Anything you want in the chat if you're loving it, if it has changed your life, if heart
work has really worked in you.
I want to see those people that are just like, yes, you know, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I am getting so much breakthrough.
I'm learning so much about myself.
I feel fully prepared.
Like if I met someone tomorrow that had all of my non-negotiables, I feel like I would
be ready to step into a relationship.
You guys readiness is important and that's one of your activations for tonight.
Those four steps of readiness, there's also other signs of readiness, but the reason why
I only put those four in the book is because those four are the most important signs that
this person is ready for a relationship, not just a fling, not just a date, not just attention
on the app.
A lot of people are on apps for attention.
Did you know that?
And you actually might be one of those people without even knowing it.
You might be there for attention and you don't even knowing it.
You're like, just hack Jackie.
How you never move anything forward.
No one's ever good enough for you.
You can never find anyone who you have any chemistry with, you know, because you're just
there for attention.
You just got a whole bunch of pen pals going on.
Ladies, maybe you've got a whole bunch of free coffees and free lunches and free dinners
going on.
Do you guys know that there are ladies and yes, I understand that none of you may be
this type of woman, but this is why men think women are gold diggers.
There are women right now that have so much attention from these apps that they're literally
using scheduling apps to schedule all their dates.
They're giving the guys their Calendly like, like they're booking a coaching call or something
like they're booking a sales call.
They're like giving them their Calendly like, Oh, you want to take me on a date?
Here's my calendar.
Find a day and time that works for you and pencil yourself in.
By the way, make sure you tell me where you're taking me.
We have ladies out here turning down dates that are not at the nicest steakhouse in town.
First dates y'all, first dates, not fifth dates, not 10th dates, not two, three, four,
six months in first dates.
And you wonder why men are like, nah, I'm good.
I'm good.
I don't need a woman.
I'm good.
Because most ladies are out here giving y'all a bad reputation and gentlemen, there's all
kinds of men out here giving y'all a bad reputation.
So if you are truly a good man, then you need to show up even more in these single spaces
and let women know that there's good men out there still.
Cause a lot of men, a lot of women have never met a good man.
They've never met a good man.
They have nothing to pull on.
They have no information.
They have no experience with a good man started a daddy being a deadbeat and it continues
to go on and on and on.
And ladies, the chances of you choosing someone that's not that great are high if you don't
do your heart work.
Okay.
And so I really, really, really want to encourage you to roll over in the last year single.
You saw all of those hearts, all those applause, all those fire emojis, and you get it for
only $37.
You get to roll over.
And if you don't like it after a month, just cancel it.
It's $37.
That's for the first 30 days.
That will get you through your heart work.
You guys, that'll get you through your entire heart work and you will really see deeply
how you're in your own way because heart work works.
It is supernatural.
It is the secret sauce to almost 2000 success stories in my last year single community.
It is the thing.
It is the peanut butter that is hiding the medicine.
Okay.
It is that spoonful of sugar that helps the healing go down in the most delightful way.
And so I really want to encourage you to do that.
If you don't like it, there is no harm, no foul.
You can cancel after 30 days.
I mean, you can cancel before 30 days and you're only out $37.
So why wouldn't you do it?
We've never offered this before this book club, like the set of book clubs this summer
for that modern dating sex book club.
We've never allowed anyone to just kind of roll their subscription over into last year
single, but it was a God idea.
I did it.
I pulled the trigger and we're going to do it one more time in our next book club for
Sunday and then it's done.
Okay.
So I really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to encourage you to do
that because you will get a very expensive portion of our last year single community
for $37.
All right.
So do it.
Okay.
Let's talk about non-negotiables.
And I'm going to, I'm going to amend my book.
I'm going to add this in.
Okay.
Not verbatim, but I'm going to add a section in that helps people.
Maybe a worksheet.
I'm going to add in a worksheet in that helps people.
I'm going to expand the worksheet that's already there to help people to understand fully what
a non-negotiable should look like, because some of you guys are hiding your preferences
in your non-negotiables like peas in the mashed potatoes.
You are, you know who you are, you're doing it and you think that it's a non-negotiable
simply because it started out with a non-negotiable, but then you added all kinds of things to
the end of it.
And I'm not mad at you, but I'm just going to tell you that you are lessening your dating
pool by doing this.
You're making your dating pool smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller.
So let's talk about a non-negotiable really quickly because you have lots of activations
to get into.
to. What is a non-negotiable? A non-negotiable is a absolute deal breaker that you need to be able
to discern within the first 30 days of knowing someone. Some of y'all have stuff on your
non-negotiable list that is impossible to gauge unless you've known someone for years.
You want like certainty upon certainty upon certainty about a person.
Now, a non-negotiable is something that you need to be able to weed people out in the first 30
days. And you guys, on average, busy adults, especially in the United States of America,
the first 30 days, at best, you're going to have gone on four or five dates. Did you hear me?
In the first 30 days, you're going to, at best, have gone on four to five dates. And that's at
best. Sometimes maybe in the first 30 days of seeing someone, you've only been on two to three
dates, like in person. You've talked on the phone a lot. You've texted a lot, but in person time
together, maybe only two or three times. Maybe you're on the high end and you've gone out six
to 10 times in the first 30 days. That's awesome. And I do encourage you, spend as much time with
someone that you're interested in as possible. It's awesome when they're local. It's awesome
when you can do life together because you know why? You're going to see if they have your
non-negotiables faster. You're going to see those deal breakers quicker. Okay? You're going to see
them so much faster. And so a non-negotiable has to be something that you can discern within the
first 30 days. Go to the framework. All of you should be in the framework section. You should
have done that reading. Okay? The framework says what you should be doing in the first 30 days,
having fun, going out, having fun, having conversations about dreams and desires,
having conversations possibly about past relationships that didn't work out. This is
what you're doing in those first 30 days, whether it's on the phone, whether it's through texting,
it's FaceTiming, it's in person, you're not doing it on the first date. Okay? It doesn't need to be
the inquisition, but you do need to find out those things in the first 30 days, because by
the 30 day mark for day 30 to 60, you're deciding on whether or not you're going to actually become
exclusive with this person. Some people get to exclusivity faster than 30 days because they know
that this person has all their non-negotiables and they're ready to go forward. And some people
take a little longer than 30 days. They're closer to the 60 day mark before their boyfriend and
girlfriend. What does that mean? That means that we have discerned that we have enough in common,
that we have enough of a foundation, that we like each other enough, that we don't have any
deal breakers, that we're going to go forward together exclusively. That is all that means.
And the man should be leading that conversation, not the woman. Ladies, if you have to ask a guy,
what are we, where is this going? Then he already has a deal breaker of yours. You know what the
deal breaker on all of your lists should be? Readiness, capacity. You're like, well, you know,
he's busy. He's got a promotion at work. He's got a really a new job. He's got kids. He's a single
dad. I don't care. All of that equals, he doesn't have room for a relationship. It doesn't make him
Jeffrey Dahmer. It just means that he's not marriage ready. And that's what you should know.
Gentlemen, same thing. If she's still entertaining Tom, Dick and Harry,
then she doesn't want to get locked down to one guy.
She doesn't. That means she's not ready to be your girl. If she wants to date around,
if she wants to see where this goes, we already know where it's going. It's going nowhere.
She's trying to see what the best offer is going to be. You don't want a woman like that.
Okay. So really important. Ladies, the saying that says, if he, if he wanted to, he would,
it's true in two ways. When a man loves a woman. Okay. He'll spend his very last time. Okay. That
song is true, but there's another type of man that really likes a woman and he still can't show up.
And that's a man who is not, does not have capacity. So don't take it as rejection.
Take it as it's either someone who doesn't like you enough to show up. And then that's
information that's important. And you can move forward because there's someone out there that
does you're someone's dream girl. And then there's the man who can't show up because he literally
hasn't made room in his life to show up. And he's stretched thin in a million different ways.
And that's also really important information because yeah, maybe in a different season,
maybe in a different life, we would have been together, but not this one,
we would have been together, but not this one because this person is not ready for a relationship.
And so if he wanted to, he would gentlemen, same thing. If she wanted to, she would, it goes both
ways. It goes both ways. Okay. All right. Super important stuff. You guys, we're just going to
kick right off there because I don't want any of you to be stuck anymore. So in the first,
so you're making your non-negotiable list. Ask yourself, is
Is this something that I can see
within the first 30 to 60 days of getting to know someone?
Because I already told you,
some people take a little longer, that's fine.
But is it something that I'll be able to see
during that time, right?
If you got on your list that, you know,
they have to, you know, make a lot of money,
well, maybe they're not at that point.
But financially responsible is something you can see
within the first 60 days of getting to know someone,
first 30 to 60 days.
Financially responsible looks like something, doesn't it?
If this person is behind on all their bills,
this person is always short, can't ever go on a date
because they don't have any money,
oh, I'd like to come take you out, but I don't have money.
You know, I don't have money to take you on a date.
Gentlemen, I love ya, God loves ya,
but if you don't have money to go on a date,
you have no business dating.
I know women can pay their own way, that's not the point.
The point is, is that if you don't have money for gas
to get across town, then you have bigger fish to fry
than finding y'all a woman.
Get that in order.
Ladies, let him get that in order.
He might be a great guy, but that's a deal breaker.
Financially responsible, financially responsible
to a place where, and you guys, and the other big thing
is that we're not teenagers.
You know, maybe if he's gotta wait for his paycheck
on Friday to take you on a date when he works
at the movie theater after school, that's cool.
We'll wait till Friday to go on the date,
but if it's a grown man, a grown man,
who has to wait until he gets paid to take you on a date,
whether that's a week or two weeks or a month from now, no.
No, that's a man who's not ready to be on a date, okay?
Now, when you get to know a man better
and you guys are in relationship and you're exclusive,
if you wanna start going half,
if you wanna start contributing,
if you wanna take him out to ice cream after the date,
if you guys wanna plan dates that are not really expensive
because he's got a goal of paying off debt
and you're on board with that
because he's financially responsible
and you wanna see him pay off date.
I mean, why would we drop $200 on dinner
if we want to be able to be together, get married,
buy our dream house, pay off debt?
I mean, I get it.
If someone's in it to win it and you're invested in them
and you don't need fancy dates
and you don't need fancy dates anyway,
but if someone can't date at all,
you know, I've heard it all.
Oh, he asked me to meet him at the coffee shop
and when I got there, he already had his cup of drip coffee,
$3.50, $3.50, and he was sitting at the table
and he waved me to go ahead and go up and get my own stuff.
Why would a man do that?
Because he doesn't wanna pay for your coffee.
That's why.
Gentlemen, you should always wait.
When you meet someone somewhere, you should always wait.
You should ask her, hey, text me when you arrive
so we can walk in together.
This is being a gentle man, okay?
I'm getting into some meddling right now.
If you join my men's group, I'm gonna meddle.
I'm gonna meddle in your life, all right?
No, we don't want credit cards.
You're gonna notice if they have,
you're gonna notice, okay?
If you start asking questions
within that first 30 to 60 days,
you're gonna start seeing whether or not
this person is financially responsible.
Okay, so let's talk about these non-negotiables.
Ask yourself, can I reasonably assess or determine
this thing within a good amount,
a short amount of time, a 30 to 60 day window?
Can I?
Can I see what their faith looks like?
Can I see if they're marriage-minded?
Yes.
Can I see what their capacity is for relationship?
Yes.
Can I see what their integrity looks like?
Yeah, in small doses, you can, you can.
Can I see if they have any addictions
or if they're incongruent with their words and behavior?
Yes.
If you're paying attention
and you don't have rose-colored glasses on,
this is why you should not be having sex.
I know that most of you are Christian people
that believe that sex belongs in covenant
and that it's a sin to have sex
outside of covenant marriage.
I understand that.
But for those of you that don't believe that that's a sin,
and trust me, there are plenty of people in here
that don't believe that,
let me talk to you from a different place really quick.
Since faith isn't in it for you,
I'm gonna tell you that you will blind yourself
to this person's overall long-term potential
if you get your hormones,
your sex hormones involved in the relationship too soon.
You will.
You'll start making excuses for all kinds of things.
You'll start turning a blind eye to all kinds of things.
That will happen if you are heavy making out,
if you're making each other orgasm
in any way, shape, or form.
For all of you technical, technical people,
Christians looking for a loophole,
I don't care if your clothes were on,
I don't care if there was no skin to skin,
give me a fricking break, okay?
The bottom line is, is that if you are doing anything.
thing that is causing you to bond to this person through the chemical bonders of sexual
contact, you won't see.
You won't see the deal breakers or you will dismiss them as something you can change or
that will change.
Okay.
Addictions.
If you're paying attention and you don't got your, you don't got your, uh, your beer goggles
on or your, or your, your, your bootylicious goggles on, you will see, you will see things.
Okay.
Because remember you're God defended.
You're not self defended.
You're like, well, people are good.
Manipulators are good liars.
They can hide all this stuff, Jackie, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, they can.
And that's why you need to, you need a community like last year, single, because they might
be able to hide it to you, but they won't hide it to us.
All right.
Because we have been gifted to sniff it out.
We are matchmakers and match breakers.
And so if you're honest about your dates and you come in and you tell us all about it,
we're going to point out incongruencies.
We're going to point out inconsistencies.
We're going to applaud the things that are great.
And we're going to question the things that are not so great.
And that's why you need to date in the light with a community around you.
That's why I wrote this book because I've seen so many people get messed up by doing
this, especially if they're long distance, you have no business dating long distance.
If you're not going to be in a community that's going to help you discern whether or not this
person is really who they say they are.
I've walked through three, four different divorces now of people in this community that
dated long distance, didn't listen to any of the advice or teaching, didn't heed any
of the red flags or the warning signs, hid things from their coaches, got married anyway.
I called one person at two o'clock in the morning before their wedding and said, do
not marry this person.
They did anyway.
And they're divorced now.
Okay.
So if you are vulnerable, if you date in the light, what you need to see, you will see
because you are God defended.
I believe that with all my heart.
All right.
Are they emotionally available?
Can they make space for you in their heart, in their life?
Can they meet you where you are, where they are?
Can you have conflict resolution?
Can you communicate in a healthy way?
These are all things that you can see.
Are they honest?
This is important stuff.
Okay.
So here's what I want to tell you.
For those of you that have been hiding the peas in the mashed potatoes with your deal
breakers.
Okay.
Like I want the person to be healthy, but then you list out what you think healthy is.
I want them to hike.
I want them to bike.
I want them to be a vegetarian.
I want them to be this and that.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You just put a list of preferences underneath the mash.
Do you see what I'm saying?
It's a bait and switch.
And what you're doing is you're lessening the pool, you know, because here's the thing.
Maybe someone's never been living somewhere where they've hiked or maybe they've never
hiked before, but they like the outdoors.
They like to walk through the park.
They like to kayak.
You know, maybe they like to, you know, the wakeboard, like what's that thing, the stand
up board thing that you do, you know, it doesn't matter.
It can cross over.
You don't need to have specifics.
You don't need to hide your hobbies in your deal breaker.
Likes hiking, likes biking, likes camping.
They have to be willing to touch grass, okay?
They have to be not afraid of the outdoors.
They don't have to like cats, but they definitely have to not be allergic to cats.
Do you understand?
Protect the principle, not the preference.
Don't hide your preferences in a bigger category.
Like I just said, I want them to have a healthy lifestyle.
And then you hide your preferences underneath that with all the things that that means to
you.
I saw several of you do that this week.
Saw several of you.
Paul said they have to touch grass, not smoke it.
I think that's funny.
For those of you that are old enough to call marijuana Mary Jane grass, then you know what
he's talking about.
Okay.
All right.
Don't lump five deal breakers into one deal breaker.
Don't do that.
Okay.
All right.
And then, like I said, your best deal breakers are going to, they're not going to be a lot
because it's going to be a really important principle in your life.
You want them to have faith.
You want them to have character.
You want them to have capacity.
You can't, you can't say, I want them to have faith and then tag on a worship style.
That's a preference.
I want them to be, I want them to be a man of faith.
I want them to be a woman of faith.
But then you can't say loves worship music, reads their Bible five hours a day, praise
in this specific style.
No, you just want them to share your faith.
And that should be on all of you that are people of faith that should be on all of your deal-breakers
You want them to share your faith for those of you that are Christians? Let me tell you unequally yoked means simply this
they
Have not surrendered to Jesus being their Savior and the Lord of their life
They don't believe that Jesus is their Savior
Jesus I don't care if they believe in God. I don't care if they go to church have they surrendered
Are they following Christ? Are they disciple of Christ? Are they following Christ?
That is what that scripture means. It doesn't mean that they worship in a certain style
It doesn't mean they go to a certain type of church. It doesn't mean that they have a certain spiritual gift
It doesn't mean any of that. It means do they follow Jesus?
period
That's what it means
That's what it means, please don't get in the weeds of oh, you know, whose church are we gonna go to?
They go to a way different type of church. What why do you why are you worried about that right now?
You're not marrying them
You're not marrying them right now. You don't have to think about that. That's not important
That's people trying to have a Burger King
Relationship where it's just all your way, you and you know everything in advance
Guys God doesn't even work that way for those of you that are people of faith
There's gonna be some mystery in your love your love story. You know that right?
There's gonna be some mystery in it. You're not gonna get all the details when in your life
Have you ever gotten a full blueprint from God about anything ever?
Never you never did
Okay. So why would you why would this be different? Why wouldn't you have to take this one step at a time?
Why wouldn't you have to compromise why wouldn't this have to stretch you and change you and you know
Why wouldn't you have to make room for this? That's how everything else works in this life
with Christ
Let the preferences work themselves out make sure that the deal-breakers
None of them have been broken as soon as a deal-breaker gets broken
It's important that you end it right then
Maybe not in that conversation, but in an appropriate moment you say hey, you know
I've really enjoyed getting to know you and I just don't I I know that, you know, we're not gonna be a match
Long-term and you can share with them why and if they get mad at you then guess what you were definitely right
and
if they take it and you know
people only get their feelings hurt because people just hang on for too long trying to
Convince themselves that they can make it work when there was a true violation of a deal-breaker
Women you're really bad at this. I can fix it. It's okay. He can change
That's scarcity, that's the scarcity script you're running the scarcity script stop it. Oh, I just like him so much
I'm so excited by him gentlemen. You can do this, too. I'm so sexually attracted to her
I'm just going to ignore the fact that she has three baby daddies and one of her babies is only two months old
That's a deal-breaker
But but but she's learned her she has she just had a baby with another man she wasn't married to two months ago
What are you thinking? I'll tell you what you're thinking
Uh-huh
I'll tell you what you're thinking
You're the thinking
I'd smash that or
You're thinking that you want to rescue her and both of those are gonna get you in deep trouble
Deal-breaker
People's morals matter. It's a deal-breaker
You know let her figure out her own life instead of trying to jump on another man's boat again
God has someone for her in the future. There's no judgment here
Remember when you when you hit a deal-breaker, you're not judging that person
You just know because you have prayed and you know yourself that these are the people that are going to help you
That these are things that you absolutely can't have in a relationship or absolutely have to have in a relationship
Please own it
the faster that you own this stuff the faster that you are gonna weed people out and the faster that you're gonna actually get to
Your spirit mate. Did you know that?
You
Okay, so Nora has a good question in the chat and I'm gonna release you guys in just a second to your activation
So Cheryl get ready. So
She's talking about
Trauma that has created a deal-breaker for her
She does not want to date or marry someone who is on the spectrum
First of all, you guys I think everyone has a touch of the tism. Okay
In different ways. We're all eccentric. We've all got some neurodivergency. I really don't believe that there's any
Normal people out there. Okay, but she's specifically citing that her brother and her father
Have a hard time understanding emotions
They have a hard time having empathy
She's wondering what kind of counseling she has to go through in order to
You know make that not a deal-breaker anymore and you know, just just surrender it to a preference
But Nora what you don't understand honey, is that is a deal-breaker?
It is absolutely okay for you to put on your deal-breaker list that the person is emotionally available
That can be a non-negotiable
the person is
Emotionally informed they have done the work. I
I
Personally am in in relationship with one, you know pretty
Severely autistic guy who's done a lot of healing and a lot of work and guess what?
He has a lot of empathy and he's emotionally available. He's had to really work at it
So it's not that autistic people can't get there because they absolutely can
But it's okay for her to say by the time that you've made it to me
Because I've done a lot of work. I know Nora. She's one of my last year single girls
By the time that you've made it to me and we're on a date you have to have already done this work
You have to have already done it you got to meet me where I am
And you guys there's exceptions to every rule
But for most of you if you've done a specific type of work in a specific area of your life
Then it is completely reasonable that you are wanting someone who is going to meet you where you are
Not someone that's way over here that you're gonna have to I just I got it
I got a really cute client ladies. He's in Las Vegas
So if you're in between the ages of 32 and 42 and you know, you want a musician coach
Wonderful, you know good-looking guy
loves Jesus
Send us an email admin at Jackie Dorman comm
Put David Las Vegas in the in the subject bar. He is willing to move but he is very embedded
He's from there. He's he's from there. He's lived there as all his life most of his life
But I will tell you that he attracts girls because he is good-looking and everything that are just not spiritually mature
They don't really know God. They don't really know Jesus and I really appreciate the fact that even as a man, you know
Could he marry a woman like that?
Could he just trust that you know as the leader as the man that she's just gonna come along with him
You know, you can do anything you want but has that blown up in a lot of people's faces in the past
Yes, it has and he refuses to do it. So he just messaged me and said hey Jackie
Is it okay that you know
This girl's really interested in me and he's like and she has a lot of things on my preference list and even some of my non
Negotiables, but you know, she really is very spiritually a either a baby or you know, barely even a believer
You know, he's like I just really that has to be a deal-breaker for me
He's like am I being too picky and I'm like now
You're not
You're not so Nora you're allowed to have that as a deal-breaker
So guess what? You don't need any counseling to try to get rid of that because you're allowed to have it
All right, so remember friends ask yourself the magic question when you're making these lists
Those deal-breakers are going to be character over chemistry. They're going to be about faith
They're going to be about character about capacity in that person's life. And right now these are the main categories
Remember principles over preference. They're gonna be about emotional availability about financial wisdom about honesty about
Teachability gentlemen, please don't marry a stubborn woman if during the first 30 days
She's got everything but she's just not a safe space
She's super stubborn stubborn every time you say something she pushes back. She doesn't believe you. She doesn't trust you
You know, she's constantly like
Who are you talking to on the phone or this or that? Yeah, that's a no
That's a deal-breaker a suspect a suspicious woman who is
distrusting and
Is unteachable hard-headed or stubborn the the Bible actually talks about that it actually lists that stuff out
So don't think that your love's gonna change her
Okay, let the love of God change her and then maybe he can put some Jesus with skin on it in her life
Later on ladies don't be that woman and if you already are that woman and you're like well
The right man is just gonna you know, he's gonna break down all my walls. No, you're gonna marry a thief
Okay, the book of Proverbs says if you build a wall you marry a thief you're gonna marry a thief
That's what's gonna happen. If you don't take down the walls with the help of the Holy Spirit. That's what's gonna happen
Okay, some man's gonna come and he's gonna love-bomb you and you're gonna be like finally and you're gonna
get married and it's going to be a nightmare.
Remember, non-negotiables should not be superficial. Height, income,
hobbies, even love languages. You guys,
all of us should have developed all the love languages.
If you only have one love language and let's mature and let's develop some more.
I'm so tired of the five love languages. Why are we one faceted?
Did God make you to be one faceted?
If you have a problem with physical touch,
you probably shouldn't get married. Just, just, just so you know,
that's some trauma that needs to get worked out because we've all been created
to be touched.
Do you guys know that there's babies and orphanages in places like Russia that
do not get touched by humans and they fail to thrive and die?
Why is that? Because we've all been created to be touched.
And if you do not like to be touched, then you might have a tad of a tism.
You got to get that. Got to get that worked out.
Not making fun of you. If you know me in person and some of you do,
I'm very eccentric. I would never make fun of someone else's eccentricity.
Very eccentric person right here. And God had a mate for me.
Okay. And he's pretty eccentric too. So if you don't like being touched,
let's work that out. If you don't like spending quality time, I didn't say quantity.
I said quality time with the person you love. Let's get that worked out
because that ain't going to work in marriage.
You need to be spending quality time together. Right? Words of affirmation.
If you can't receive a compliment, if you can't give a compliment,
if you can't encourage someone, if you can't be encouraged, once again,
you're not ready to be married.
So please don't put love languages as your non-negotiables because people should
be developing those gifts. I know that people are just like, Oh,
I don't really understand that.
It should be a love language of everyone's because you should be able to give.
It's not about expensive stuff. It's about thinking of someone.
It's about giving and being able to also receive.
Giving and receiving should be a prerequisite for marriage.
You have to be able to give and to receive.
You do not want to give her and a taker marrying each other.
Both of you should want to receive gifts from each other.
And I'm not talking about material things. I'm talking about a thoughtful thing,
a card, you know, a flower, you know, uh,
a special this or that doesn't matter. Sentimentality, thinking of the person.
That's what this, that's what the gifts love languages.
And there's so many more love languages besides those five. And I don't know,
those five made the cut somehow, but there's more than that. All right. Okay.
So remember it's not about height or income or hobbies or favorite vacation.
It's not about that. It's like, Oh, I like to vacation in the Hamptons.
Well, I like to vacation in Hawaii. Well, we can't be together because you know,
those are two very different vacations. No, that's dumb. All right.
And remember the question is,
would I rather stay single than marry someone who doesn't or does have this?
That is the deal breaker question. Would I rather?
And if the answer is no, then it's just a preference. It's just a preference.
Okay. All right. Cheryl, are you ready to put these folks,
each of your breakouts going to be about 15 to 17 minutes long.
You're going to get out of here at about eight 30 central. Okay.
So in about one hour from now, maybe less,
I hope all of you will stay and be part of these breakouts because you're really
going to help each other. These breakouts are over some really good stuff.
Really, really good stuff. All right.
So here's a little activation for you. After you get off the call tonight,
go back to your list of deal breakers and non non-negotiables and preferences
and ask yourself,
can I know this about this person within the first 30 to 60 days?
Is this thing on my deal breaker list, protecting my future marriage,
or is it just describing my dream person? Is this a value of mine,
a true value? Is it something that I am,
please don't put any deal breakers up that you're not. You can't say,
I want a financially responsible person when you're not financially responsible.
No, no, no. That's not right. You shouldn't do that. You can't do that.
So ask yourself, is this a true value of mine?
Is it a value that I should have because I have it and I'm living it out?
Or is this just a preference in disguise?
And then would I rather stay single than compromise on this?
Okay. Like I couldn't be happy in a,
in a marriage where this thing either lived or didn't live.
So I guess I need to stay single unless I find someone who does or doesn't have
this. Okay. All right. All right, you guys. Good coaching. Does that help you?
Does that help you with your non-negotiables versus deal breakers?
Give me a high five. Does it help you? All right.
All right, Cheryl, let's put these people explain their activation.
Their first one. Cheryl's going to explain the.
Activation, she's gonna put you in groups of three to four.
Please don't talk over each other.
Someone emailed in and said,
no one would let me talk in my group.
Give each other space, okay?
And then when you're in your group,
she's going to drop in a message into your group
that kind of reiterates the assignment.
She's gonna explain the assignment, but you know, we forget.
And she's gonna stick you into your group, send you on,
and then she's going to put it in the chat in your group
so you can see it.
All right.
Okay, all right, friends.
I will be going off camera,
and I will see you either in the app,
in the Facebook optional page.
I hope to see you in last year single in the next two weeks.