WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:07.000 All right, well, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks week four. 2 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:08.240 We just have one more week, friends. 3 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:10.640 We're almost there. 4 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:16.320 Next week is going to be our last week, and we are going to do a hybrid of your homework 5 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:22.280 from this last week, week four and week five, because tonight, as I just said, before I 6 00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:27.840 hit record, tonight is what we call our going deeper night, which means that I'm going to 7 00:00:27.840 --> 00:00:32.080 do a little bit of dating coaching here at the beginning about non-negotiables versus 8 00:00:32.080 --> 00:00:35.480 preferences, and then we're going to go into activations. 9 00:00:35.480 --> 00:00:39.680 You're going to have three activations tonight, and my co-host, Cheryl Going, is going to 10 00:00:39.680 --> 00:00:40.680 do that for you. 11 00:00:40.680 --> 00:00:41.680 She also is part of this community. 12 00:00:41.680 --> 00:00:44.640 She's been part of this community for a really long time. 13 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:47.480 She is on the staff here at Last Year Single. 14 00:00:47.480 --> 00:00:51.120 For those of you that are part of Last Year Single, you recognize Cheryl. 15 00:00:51.120 --> 00:00:55.800 She's probably answered some of your tech emails when you get stuck or when you're navigating 16 00:00:55.800 --> 00:01:00.520 between phase one and phase two or phase three of our program, but she also has been 17 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:07.320 around for quite some time just on our team, and she is a prized member of our team. 18 00:01:07.320 --> 00:01:11.400 She's one of our first peer coaches at Last Year Single, Married in 12 Months or Less, 19 00:01:11.400 --> 00:01:14.080 and gentlemen, she is single. 20 00:01:14.080 --> 00:01:17.920 If you're interested and you live near Canada or you live in Canada or you're willing to 21 00:01:17.920 --> 00:01:25.520 relocate to Western Canada, Calgary, Alberta, that area, then hit us up. 22 00:01:25.520 --> 00:01:29.680 Okay, so Cheryl's going to be doing those activations tonight with you, but before, 23 00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:33.400 I'm going to do some coaching because some of you are really confused about what should 24 00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:39.120 go on your non-negotiables versus preferences, and I'm actually going to add an edit to the 25 00:01:39.120 --> 00:01:42.880 book itself that explains this a little bit deeper. 26 00:01:42.880 --> 00:01:47.840 Sometimes, as an author, you think things are self-explanatory. 27 00:01:47.880 --> 00:01:51.280 You think everybody kind of understands, but some of the questions that you guys have been 28 00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:57.760 asking me in our Modern Dating Sucks group in the app tell me that this is a place where 29 00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:02.240 you get really stuck, and the reason why it's important that I get you unstuck is because 30 00:02:02.240 --> 00:02:05.480 this is going to keep you single. 31 00:02:05.480 --> 00:02:09.759 This is sort of a non-negotiable for your future marriage. 32 00:02:09.759 --> 00:02:15.220 It is a make-it-or-break-it area of your single life, and so I really want to help you make 33 00:02:15.220 --> 00:02:18.580 sure that you stay out of your own way, you stay out of God's way in this area. 34 00:02:18.580 --> 00:02:20.580 Just a little bit of housekeeping. 35 00:02:20.580 --> 00:02:23.140 We do have one more session left. 36 00:02:23.140 --> 00:02:27.700 A lot of you have not been putting any kind of questions in the app, so I want to encourage 37 00:02:27.700 --> 00:02:29.060 you to put questions in the app. 38 00:02:29.060 --> 00:02:31.620 Put questions in the optional Facebook group. 39 00:02:31.620 --> 00:02:32.980 We will answer them. 40 00:02:32.980 --> 00:02:36.660 We did have some sort of glitch in the app where questions were answered, but then the 41 00:02:36.660 --> 00:02:41.460 answers disappeared, so if you are one of those people, fear not. 42 00:02:41.460 --> 00:02:43.380 Those questions will be answered again. 43 00:02:43.460 --> 00:02:48.020 I promise you all of your questions have been answered, but the app glitched, as apps often 44 00:02:48.020 --> 00:02:54.340 do, and some of the answers disappeared from the chat, so I will be going through and taking 45 00:02:54.340 --> 00:02:55.540 a look at that. 46 00:02:55.540 --> 00:02:59.620 Okay, so you thought it started at 6 Mountain. 47 00:02:59.620 --> 00:03:02.020 It did start at 6 Mountain. 48 00:03:02.020 --> 00:03:05.220 It is 6 Mountain right now, and we're starting right now. 49 00:03:05.220 --> 00:03:10.340 It's 6 Mountain. 50 00:03:10.340 --> 00:03:13.300 It's 6 o'clock on the mountain, right? 51 00:03:13.300 --> 00:03:18.660 Okay, all right, so for iPhone, whoever that person is, it is 6 Mountain, and we're getting 52 00:03:18.660 --> 00:03:19.700 started right now. 53 00:03:19.700 --> 00:03:24.340 Okay, all right, so yeah, 7 Central, 8 Eastern friends, and guess what? 54 00:03:24.340 --> 00:03:31.780 We have a special encore of the book club on Sundays, so if you know a friend that just 55 00:03:31.780 --> 00:03:36.500 isn't available on weeknights and they kind of need a weekend book club, Sunday evening 56 00:03:36.500 --> 00:03:39.220 starting this Sunday, we're going to be having book club. 57 00:03:39.220 --> 00:03:41.140 It is our last book club of the summer. 58 00:03:41.780 --> 00:03:44.660 People were kind of complaining that they're not available on weeknights. 59 00:03:44.660 --> 00:03:45.540 They have to work. 60 00:03:45.540 --> 00:03:48.660 They don't get home in time, yada, yada, shish, boom, bada. 61 00:03:48.660 --> 00:03:49.780 I understand. 62 00:03:49.780 --> 00:03:55.380 That's why I'm going to make myself available on a Sunday evening for the next five weeks, 63 00:03:55.380 --> 00:04:00.420 and so for those of you that know someone that would love to join but couldn't, make 64 00:04:00.420 --> 00:04:01.780 sure that you pay that forward. 65 00:04:01.780 --> 00:04:06.660 What we help make happen for others, God makes happen for us, and so let me tell you something 66 00:04:06.660 --> 00:04:12.020 before we go into this non-negotiable versus preferences, short, light teaching, and you 67 00:04:12.020 --> 00:04:13.300 go into your activations. 68 00:04:14.260 --> 00:04:18.100 You have an opportunity to do something that we only started with this book club, and that 69 00:04:18.100 --> 00:04:22.019 is you have an opportunity to roll over into the last year single program. 70 00:04:22.740 --> 00:04:25.780 Put your hands up right now if you're in the last year single program currently. 71 00:04:27.620 --> 00:04:32.740 By the way, I am going to be teaching Modern Dating Sucks material in our VIP session this 72 00:04:32.740 --> 00:04:35.620 Thursday at 7 for you that are in LYS. 73 00:04:35.620 --> 00:04:40.260 Go ahead, get your hands up if you are over there in LYS already, and then I want to see 74 00:04:40.260 --> 00:04:41.300 some hearts. 75 00:04:41.300 --> 00:04:43.060 I want to see some fire emojis. 76 00:04:43.060 --> 00:04:46.900 Anything you want in the chat if you're loving it, if it has changed your life, if heart 77 00:04:46.900 --> 00:04:48.980 work has really worked in you. 78 00:04:49.540 --> 00:04:54.660 I want to see those people that are just like, yes, you know, yes, yes, yes, yes. 79 00:04:55.460 --> 00:04:57.060 I am getting so much breakthrough. 80 00:04:57.060 --> 00:04:58.900 I'm learning so much about myself. 81 00:04:58.900 --> 00:04:59.940 I feel fully prepared. 82 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:05.400 Like if I met someone tomorrow that had all of my non-negotiables, I feel like I would 83 00:05:05.400 --> 00:05:07.860 be ready to step into a relationship. 84 00:05:07.860 --> 00:05:12.360 You guys readiness is important and that's one of your activations for tonight. 85 00:05:12.360 --> 00:05:17.240 Those four steps of readiness, there's also other signs of readiness, but the reason why 86 00:05:17.240 --> 00:05:21.280 I only put those four in the book is because those four are the most important signs that 87 00:05:21.280 --> 00:05:27.160 this person is ready for a relationship, not just a fling, not just a date, not just attention 88 00:05:27.160 --> 00:05:28.160 on the app. 89 00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:29.800 A lot of people are on apps for attention. 90 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.040 Did you know that? 91 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:34.680 And you actually might be one of those people without even knowing it. 92 00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:37.040 You might be there for attention and you don't even knowing it. 93 00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:38.040 You're like, just hack Jackie. 94 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:40.360 How you never move anything forward. 95 00:05:40.360 --> 00:05:41.740 No one's ever good enough for you. 96 00:05:41.740 --> 00:05:46.760 You can never find anyone who you have any chemistry with, you know, because you're just 97 00:05:46.760 --> 00:05:47.760 there for attention. 98 00:05:47.760 --> 00:05:50.840 You just got a whole bunch of pen pals going on. 99 00:05:50.840 --> 00:05:54.160 Ladies, maybe you've got a whole bunch of free coffees and free lunches and free dinners 100 00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:55.160 going on. 101 00:05:55.160 --> 00:05:59.440 Do you guys know that there are ladies and yes, I understand that none of you may be 102 00:06:00.080 --> 00:06:02.800 this type of woman, but this is why men think women are gold diggers. 103 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:08.560 There are women right now that have so much attention from these apps that they're literally 104 00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:12.160 using scheduling apps to schedule all their dates. 105 00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:17.560 They're giving the guys their Calendly like, like they're booking a coaching call or something 106 00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:19.240 like they're booking a sales call. 107 00:06:19.240 --> 00:06:22.760 They're like giving them their Calendly like, Oh, you want to take me on a date? 108 00:06:22.760 --> 00:06:24.840 Here's my calendar. 109 00:06:24.840 --> 00:06:29.320 Find a day and time that works for you and pencil yourself in. 110 00:06:29.320 --> 00:06:33.500 By the way, make sure you tell me where you're taking me. 111 00:06:33.500 --> 00:06:39.200 We have ladies out here turning down dates that are not at the nicest steakhouse in town. 112 00:06:39.200 --> 00:06:45.000 First dates y'all, first dates, not fifth dates, not 10th dates, not two, three, four, 113 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:48.040 six months in first dates. 114 00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:51.240 And you wonder why men are like, nah, I'm good. 115 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:52.240 I'm good. 116 00:06:52.240 --> 00:06:53.240 I don't need a woman. 117 00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:54.240 I'm good. 118 00:06:54.240 --> 00:06:58.600 Because most ladies are out here giving y'all a bad reputation and gentlemen, there's all 119 00:06:58.600 --> 00:07:01.080 kinds of men out here giving y'all a bad reputation. 120 00:07:01.080 --> 00:07:06.920 So if you are truly a good man, then you need to show up even more in these single spaces 121 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:11.400 and let women know that there's good men out there still. 122 00:07:11.400 --> 00:07:14.880 Cause a lot of men, a lot of women have never met a good man. 123 00:07:14.880 --> 00:07:16.840 They've never met a good man. 124 00:07:16.840 --> 00:07:18.680 They have nothing to pull on. 125 00:07:18.680 --> 00:07:21.720 They have no information. 126 00:07:21.720 --> 00:07:28.800 They have no experience with a good man started a daddy being a deadbeat and it continues 127 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:29.960 to go on and on and on. 128 00:07:29.960 --> 00:07:34.800 And ladies, the chances of you choosing someone that's not that great are high if you don't 129 00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:35.800 do your heart work. 130 00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:36.800 Okay. 131 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:40.780 And so I really, really, really want to encourage you to roll over in the last year single. 132 00:07:40.780 --> 00:07:45.800 You saw all of those hearts, all those applause, all those fire emojis, and you get it for 133 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:47.960 only $37. 134 00:07:47.960 --> 00:07:48.960 You get to roll over. 135 00:07:48.960 --> 00:07:51.320 And if you don't like it after a month, just cancel it. 136 00:07:51.920 --> 00:07:52.920 It's $37. 137 00:07:52.920 --> 00:07:53.920 That's for the first 30 days. 138 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:55.520 That will get you through your heart work. 139 00:07:55.520 --> 00:08:00.480 You guys, that'll get you through your entire heart work and you will really see deeply 140 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:03.640 how you're in your own way because heart work works. 141 00:08:03.640 --> 00:08:04.640 It is supernatural. 142 00:08:04.640 --> 00:08:10.040 It is the secret sauce to almost 2000 success stories in my last year single community. 143 00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:12.420 It is the thing. 144 00:08:12.420 --> 00:08:16.760 It is the peanut butter that is hiding the medicine. 145 00:08:16.760 --> 00:08:17.960 Okay. 146 00:08:17.960 --> 00:08:23.480 It is that spoonful of sugar that helps the healing go down in the most delightful way. 147 00:08:23.480 --> 00:08:25.560 And so I really want to encourage you to do that. 148 00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:28.420 If you don't like it, there is no harm, no foul. 149 00:08:28.420 --> 00:08:30.320 You can cancel after 30 days. 150 00:08:30.320 --> 00:08:34.020 I mean, you can cancel before 30 days and you're only out $37. 151 00:08:34.020 --> 00:08:35.280 So why wouldn't you do it? 152 00:08:35.280 --> 00:08:40.520 We've never offered this before this book club, like the set of book clubs this summer 153 00:08:40.520 --> 00:08:42.559 for that modern dating sex book club. 154 00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:46.960 We've never allowed anyone to just kind of roll their subscription over into last year 155 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:49.200 single, but it was a God idea. 156 00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:50.200 I did it. 157 00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:52.800 I pulled the trigger and we're going to do it one more time in our next book club for 158 00:08:52.800 --> 00:08:54.440 Sunday and then it's done. 159 00:08:54.440 --> 00:08:55.440 Okay. 160 00:08:55.440 --> 00:08:58.560 So I really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to encourage you to do 161 00:08:58.560 --> 00:09:05.360 that because you will get a very expensive portion of our last year single community 162 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:06.360 for $37. 163 00:09:06.360 --> 00:09:07.360 All right. 164 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:08.360 So do it. 165 00:09:08.360 --> 00:09:09.360 Okay. 166 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:10.360 Let's talk about non-negotiables. 167 00:09:10.360 --> 00:09:12.640 And I'm going to, I'm going to amend my book. 168 00:09:12.640 --> 00:09:13.840 I'm going to add this in. 169 00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:14.840 Okay. 170 00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:19.080 Not verbatim, but I'm going to add a section in that helps people. 171 00:09:19.080 --> 00:09:20.080 Maybe a worksheet. 172 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:23.160 I'm going to add in a worksheet in that helps people. 173 00:09:23.160 --> 00:09:27.000 I'm going to expand the worksheet that's already there to help people to understand fully what 174 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:32.520 a non-negotiable should look like, because some of you guys are hiding your preferences 175 00:09:32.520 --> 00:09:36.400 in your non-negotiables like peas in the mashed potatoes. 176 00:09:36.400 --> 00:09:41.080 You are, you know who you are, you're doing it and you think that it's a non-negotiable 177 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:45.960 simply because it started out with a non-negotiable, but then you added all kinds of things to 178 00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:46.960 the end of it. 179 00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:51.240 And I'm not mad at you, but I'm just going to tell you that you are lessening your dating 180 00:09:51.240 --> 00:09:53.360 pool by doing this. 181 00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:56.800 You're making your dating pool smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller. 182 00:09:56.800 --> 00:09:59.760 So let's talk about a non-negotiable really quickly because you have lots of activations 183 00:09:59.760 --> 00:10:00.040 to get into. 184 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:09.600 to. What is a non-negotiable? A non-negotiable is a absolute deal breaker that you need to be able 185 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:15.360 to discern within the first 30 days of knowing someone. Some of y'all have stuff on your 186 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:21.040 non-negotiable list that is impossible to gauge unless you've known someone for years. 187 00:10:22.560 --> 00:10:26.800 You want like certainty upon certainty upon certainty about a person. 188 00:10:27.760 --> 00:10:33.040 Now, a non-negotiable is something that you need to be able to weed people out in the first 30 189 00:10:33.040 --> 00:10:38.240 days. And you guys, on average, busy adults, especially in the United States of America, 190 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:44.560 the first 30 days, at best, you're going to have gone on four or five dates. Did you hear me? 191 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:51.600 In the first 30 days, you're going to, at best, have gone on four to five dates. And that's at 192 00:10:51.600 --> 00:10:55.840 best. Sometimes maybe in the first 30 days of seeing someone, you've only been on two to three 193 00:10:55.840 --> 00:11:01.520 dates, like in person. You've talked on the phone a lot. You've texted a lot, but in person time 194 00:11:01.520 --> 00:11:06.240 together, maybe only two or three times. Maybe you're on the high end and you've gone out six 195 00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:10.960 to 10 times in the first 30 days. That's awesome. And I do encourage you, spend as much time with 196 00:11:10.960 --> 00:11:16.080 someone that you're interested in as possible. It's awesome when they're local. It's awesome 197 00:11:16.080 --> 00:11:19.680 when you can do life together because you know why? You're going to see if they have your 198 00:11:19.680 --> 00:11:27.760 non-negotiables faster. You're going to see those deal breakers quicker. Okay? You're going to see 199 00:11:27.760 --> 00:11:32.240 them so much faster. And so a non-negotiable has to be something that you can discern within the 200 00:11:32.240 --> 00:11:37.280 first 30 days. Go to the framework. All of you should be in the framework section. You should 201 00:11:37.280 --> 00:11:41.680 have done that reading. Okay? The framework says what you should be doing in the first 30 days, 202 00:11:41.680 --> 00:11:48.160 having fun, going out, having fun, having conversations about dreams and desires, 203 00:11:48.160 --> 00:11:52.480 having conversations possibly about past relationships that didn't work out. This is 204 00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:56.400 what you're doing in those first 30 days, whether it's on the phone, whether it's through texting, 205 00:11:56.400 --> 00:12:01.600 it's FaceTiming, it's in person, you're not doing it on the first date. Okay? It doesn't need to be 206 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:07.920 the inquisition, but you do need to find out those things in the first 30 days, because by 207 00:12:07.920 --> 00:12:13.360 the 30 day mark for day 30 to 60, you're deciding on whether or not you're going to actually become 208 00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:18.080 exclusive with this person. Some people get to exclusivity faster than 30 days because they know 209 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:21.600 that this person has all their non-negotiables and they're ready to go forward. And some people 210 00:12:21.600 --> 00:12:25.920 take a little longer than 30 days. They're closer to the 60 day mark before their boyfriend and 211 00:12:25.920 --> 00:12:30.160 girlfriend. What does that mean? That means that we have discerned that we have enough in common, 212 00:12:30.160 --> 00:12:34.720 that we have enough of a foundation, that we like each other enough, that we don't have any 213 00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:39.040 deal breakers, that we're going to go forward together exclusively. That is all that means. 214 00:12:39.040 --> 00:12:45.040 And the man should be leading that conversation, not the woman. Ladies, if you have to ask a guy, 215 00:12:45.040 --> 00:12:49.760 what are we, where is this going? Then he already has a deal breaker of yours. You know what the 216 00:12:49.760 --> 00:12:56.240 deal breaker on all of your lists should be? Readiness, capacity. You're like, well, you know, 217 00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:01.280 he's busy. He's got a promotion at work. He's got a really a new job. He's got kids. He's a single 218 00:13:01.280 --> 00:13:08.560 dad. I don't care. All of that equals, he doesn't have room for a relationship. It doesn't make him 219 00:13:08.560 --> 00:13:14.560 Jeffrey Dahmer. It just means that he's not marriage ready. And that's what you should know. 220 00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:19.520 Gentlemen, same thing. If she's still entertaining Tom, Dick and Harry, 221 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:23.360 then she doesn't want to get locked down to one guy. 222 00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:32.720 She doesn't. That means she's not ready to be your girl. If she wants to date around, 223 00:13:32.720 --> 00:13:36.320 if she wants to see where this goes, we already know where it's going. It's going nowhere. 224 00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:40.880 She's trying to see what the best offer is going to be. You don't want a woman like that. 225 00:13:41.280 --> 00:13:46.320 Okay. So really important. Ladies, the saying that says, if he, if he wanted to, he would, 226 00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:54.240 it's true in two ways. When a man loves a woman. Okay. He'll spend his very last time. Okay. That 227 00:13:54.240 --> 00:14:01.520 song is true, but there's another type of man that really likes a woman and he still can't show up. 228 00:14:01.520 --> 00:14:08.400 And that's a man who is not, does not have capacity. So don't take it as rejection. 229 00:14:08.400 --> 00:14:12.640 Take it as it's either someone who doesn't like you enough to show up. And then that's 230 00:14:12.640 --> 00:14:15.840 information that's important. And you can move forward because there's someone out there that 231 00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:20.320 does you're someone's dream girl. And then there's the man who can't show up because he literally 232 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:25.360 hasn't made room in his life to show up. And he's stretched thin in a million different ways. 233 00:14:25.360 --> 00:14:29.360 And that's also really important information because yeah, maybe in a different season, 234 00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:34.240 maybe in a different life, we would have been together, but not this one, 235 00:14:34.640 --> 00:14:39.520 we would have been together, but not this one because this person is not ready for a relationship. 236 00:14:40.080 --> 00:14:45.360 And so if he wanted to, he would gentlemen, same thing. If she wanted to, she would, it goes both 237 00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:51.680 ways. It goes both ways. Okay. All right. Super important stuff. You guys, we're just going to 238 00:14:51.680 --> 00:14:56.720 kick right off there because I don't want any of you to be stuck anymore. So in the first, 239 00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:59.760 so you're making your non-negotiable list. Ask yourself, is 240 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.080 Is this something that I can see 241 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:07.500 within the first 30 to 60 days of getting to know someone? 242 00:15:07.500 --> 00:15:08.340 Because I already told you, 243 00:15:08.340 --> 00:15:10.300 some people take a little longer, that's fine. 244 00:15:10.300 --> 00:15:12.500 But is it something that I'll be able to see 245 00:15:12.500 --> 00:15:15.000 during that time, right? 246 00:15:15.940 --> 00:15:17.620 If you got on your list that, you know, 247 00:15:17.620 --> 00:15:20.100 they have to, you know, make a lot of money, 248 00:15:20.100 --> 00:15:22.380 well, maybe they're not at that point. 249 00:15:22.380 --> 00:15:25.200 But financially responsible is something you can see 250 00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:27.700 within the first 60 days of getting to know someone, 251 00:15:27.700 --> 00:15:29.540 first 30 to 60 days. 252 00:15:29.540 --> 00:15:32.380 Financially responsible looks like something, doesn't it? 253 00:15:34.020 --> 00:15:36.220 If this person is behind on all their bills, 254 00:15:36.220 --> 00:15:38.620 this person is always short, can't ever go on a date 255 00:15:38.620 --> 00:15:41.180 because they don't have any money, 256 00:15:41.180 --> 00:15:43.820 oh, I'd like to come take you out, but I don't have money. 257 00:15:43.820 --> 00:15:45.420 You know, I don't have money to take you on a date. 258 00:15:45.420 --> 00:15:48.200 Gentlemen, I love ya, God loves ya, 259 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:50.200 but if you don't have money to go on a date, 260 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:51.800 you have no business dating. 261 00:15:53.040 --> 00:15:55.820 I know women can pay their own way, that's not the point. 262 00:15:55.820 --> 00:15:58.060 The point is, is that if you don't have money for gas 263 00:15:58.060 --> 00:16:01.060 to get across town, then you have bigger fish to fry 264 00:16:01.060 --> 00:16:02.580 than finding y'all a woman. 265 00:16:04.100 --> 00:16:05.260 Get that in order. 266 00:16:07.220 --> 00:16:09.500 Ladies, let him get that in order. 267 00:16:09.500 --> 00:16:11.460 He might be a great guy, but that's a deal breaker. 268 00:16:11.460 --> 00:16:15.980 Financially responsible, financially responsible 269 00:16:18.820 --> 00:16:21.260 to a place where, and you guys, and the other big thing 270 00:16:21.260 --> 00:16:22.740 is that we're not teenagers. 271 00:16:22.740 --> 00:16:24.660 You know, maybe if he's gotta wait for his paycheck 272 00:16:24.660 --> 00:16:26.580 on Friday to take you on a date when he works 273 00:16:26.580 --> 00:16:30.340 at the movie theater after school, that's cool. 274 00:16:30.340 --> 00:16:31.860 We'll wait till Friday to go on the date, 275 00:16:31.860 --> 00:16:35.460 but if it's a grown man, a grown man, 276 00:16:35.460 --> 00:16:39.340 who has to wait until he gets paid to take you on a date, 277 00:16:39.340 --> 00:16:42.680 whether that's a week or two weeks or a month from now, no. 278 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:49.120 No, that's a man who's not ready to be on a date, okay? 279 00:16:50.500 --> 00:16:52.380 Now, when you get to know a man better 280 00:16:52.380 --> 00:16:54.780 and you guys are in relationship and you're exclusive, 281 00:16:54.780 --> 00:16:56.260 if you wanna start going half, 282 00:16:56.260 --> 00:16:57.460 if you wanna start contributing, 283 00:16:57.460 --> 00:16:59.980 if you wanna take him out to ice cream after the date, 284 00:16:59.980 --> 00:17:03.940 if you guys wanna plan dates that are not really expensive 285 00:17:03.940 --> 00:17:07.640 because he's got a goal of paying off debt 286 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:09.140 and you're on board with that 287 00:17:09.140 --> 00:17:11.260 because he's financially responsible 288 00:17:11.260 --> 00:17:12.780 and you wanna see him pay off date. 289 00:17:12.780 --> 00:17:14.900 I mean, why would we drop $200 on dinner 290 00:17:14.900 --> 00:17:18.460 if we want to be able to be together, get married, 291 00:17:18.460 --> 00:17:20.180 buy our dream house, pay off debt? 292 00:17:20.180 --> 00:17:21.220 I mean, I get it. 293 00:17:21.220 --> 00:17:24.420 If someone's in it to win it and you're invested in them 294 00:17:25.060 --> 00:17:26.380 and you don't need fancy dates 295 00:17:26.380 --> 00:17:28.339 and you don't need fancy dates anyway, 296 00:17:28.339 --> 00:17:30.100 but if someone can't date at all, 297 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:33.100 you know, I've heard it all. 298 00:17:33.100 --> 00:17:35.060 Oh, he asked me to meet him at the coffee shop 299 00:17:35.060 --> 00:17:37.900 and when I got there, he already had his cup of drip coffee, 300 00:17:37.900 --> 00:17:41.500 $3.50, $3.50, and he was sitting at the table 301 00:17:41.500 --> 00:17:45.020 and he waved me to go ahead and go up and get my own stuff. 302 00:17:45.020 --> 00:17:46.020 Why would a man do that? 303 00:17:46.020 --> 00:17:48.620 Because he doesn't wanna pay for your coffee. 304 00:17:48.620 --> 00:17:49.440 That's why. 305 00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:50.980 Gentlemen, you should always wait. 306 00:17:50.980 --> 00:17:54.380 When you meet someone somewhere, you should always wait. 307 00:17:55.420 --> 00:17:57.600 You should ask her, hey, text me when you arrive 308 00:17:57.600 --> 00:17:59.220 so we can walk in together. 309 00:17:59.220 --> 00:18:03.460 This is being a gentle man, okay? 310 00:18:03.460 --> 00:18:04.900 I'm getting into some meddling right now. 311 00:18:04.900 --> 00:18:07.220 If you join my men's group, I'm gonna meddle. 312 00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:09.860 I'm gonna meddle in your life, all right? 313 00:18:09.860 --> 00:18:11.300 No, we don't want credit cards. 314 00:18:11.300 --> 00:18:12.940 You're gonna notice if they have, 315 00:18:12.940 --> 00:18:14.460 you're gonna notice, okay? 316 00:18:14.460 --> 00:18:15.780 If you start asking questions 317 00:18:15.780 --> 00:18:17.340 within that first 30 to 60 days, 318 00:18:17.340 --> 00:18:19.380 you're gonna start seeing whether or not 319 00:18:19.380 --> 00:18:21.220 this person is financially responsible. 320 00:18:21.220 --> 00:18:23.740 Okay, so let's talk about these non-negotiables. 321 00:18:23.740 --> 00:18:27.420 Ask yourself, can I reasonably assess or determine 322 00:18:27.420 --> 00:18:32.100 this thing within a good amount, 323 00:18:32.100 --> 00:18:34.740 a short amount of time, a 30 to 60 day window? 324 00:18:34.740 --> 00:18:36.200 Can I? 325 00:18:36.200 --> 00:18:38.480 Can I see what their faith looks like? 326 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:41.060 Can I see if they're marriage-minded? 327 00:18:41.060 --> 00:18:41.900 Yes. 328 00:18:41.900 --> 00:18:44.060 Can I see what their capacity is for relationship? 329 00:18:44.060 --> 00:18:44.960 Yes. 330 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:47.020 Can I see what their integrity looks like? 331 00:18:47.020 --> 00:18:50.260 Yeah, in small doses, you can, you can. 332 00:18:50.260 --> 00:18:52.340 Can I see if they have any addictions 333 00:18:52.340 --> 00:18:54.820 or if they're incongruent with their words and behavior? 334 00:18:54.820 --> 00:18:56.080 Yes. 335 00:18:56.080 --> 00:18:57.060 If you're paying attention 336 00:18:57.060 --> 00:18:58.580 and you don't have rose-colored glasses on, 337 00:18:58.580 --> 00:19:01.780 this is why you should not be having sex. 338 00:19:01.780 --> 00:19:04.080 I know that most of you are Christian people 339 00:19:04.080 --> 00:19:05.860 that believe that sex belongs in covenant 340 00:19:05.860 --> 00:19:07.140 and that it's a sin to have sex 341 00:19:07.140 --> 00:19:08.700 outside of covenant marriage. 342 00:19:08.700 --> 00:19:09.980 I understand that. 343 00:19:09.980 --> 00:19:12.100 But for those of you that don't believe that that's a sin, 344 00:19:12.100 --> 00:19:13.600 and trust me, there are plenty of people in here 345 00:19:13.600 --> 00:19:14.820 that don't believe that, 346 00:19:14.820 --> 00:19:17.220 let me talk to you from a different place really quick. 347 00:19:17.220 --> 00:19:19.220 Since faith isn't in it for you, 348 00:19:19.220 --> 00:19:22.940 I'm gonna tell you that you will blind yourself 349 00:19:22.940 --> 00:19:25.900 to this person's overall long-term potential 350 00:19:25.900 --> 00:19:27.500 if you get your hormones, 351 00:19:27.500 --> 00:19:30.980 your sex hormones involved in the relationship too soon. 352 00:19:30.980 --> 00:19:31.920 You will. 353 00:19:31.920 --> 00:19:34.220 You'll start making excuses for all kinds of things. 354 00:19:34.220 --> 00:19:36.940 You'll start turning a blind eye to all kinds of things. 355 00:19:36.940 --> 00:19:41.420 That will happen if you are heavy making out, 356 00:19:41.420 --> 00:19:43.300 if you're making each other orgasm 357 00:19:43.300 --> 00:19:44.860 in any way, shape, or form. 358 00:19:44.860 --> 00:19:48.980 For all of you technical, technical people, 359 00:19:48.980 --> 00:19:50.540 Christians looking for a loophole, 360 00:19:50.540 --> 00:19:52.820 I don't care if your clothes were on, 361 00:19:52.820 --> 00:19:54.580 I don't care if there was no skin to skin, 362 00:19:54.580 --> 00:19:56.500 give me a fricking break, okay? 363 00:19:56.500 --> 00:20:00.100 The bottom line is, is that if you are doing anything. 364 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.280 thing that is causing you to bond to this person through the chemical bonders of sexual 365 00:20:06.280 --> 00:20:08.980 contact, you won't see. 366 00:20:08.980 --> 00:20:13.800 You won't see the deal breakers or you will dismiss them as something you can change or 367 00:20:13.800 --> 00:20:15.040 that will change. 368 00:20:15.040 --> 00:20:16.040 Okay. 369 00:20:16.040 --> 00:20:17.040 Addictions. 370 00:20:17.040 --> 00:20:21.880 If you're paying attention and you don't got your, you don't got your, uh, your beer goggles 371 00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:28.920 on or your, or your, your, your bootylicious goggles on, you will see, you will see things. 372 00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:30.920 Okay. 373 00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:31.920 Because remember you're God defended. 374 00:20:31.920 --> 00:20:32.920 You're not self defended. 375 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:33.920 You're like, well, people are good. 376 00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:35.040 Manipulators are good liars. 377 00:20:35.040 --> 00:20:37.600 They can hide all this stuff, Jackie, blah, blah, blah. 378 00:20:37.600 --> 00:20:38.880 Yeah, they can. 379 00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:42.160 And that's why you need to, you need a community like last year, single, because they might 380 00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:45.400 be able to hide it to you, but they won't hide it to us. 381 00:20:45.400 --> 00:20:46.960 All right. 382 00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:49.320 Because we have been gifted to sniff it out. 383 00:20:49.320 --> 00:20:51.400 We are matchmakers and match breakers. 384 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:57.600 And so if you're honest about your dates and you come in and you tell us all about it, 385 00:20:57.600 --> 00:20:59.560 we're going to point out incongruencies. 386 00:20:59.560 --> 00:21:01.400 We're going to point out inconsistencies. 387 00:21:01.400 --> 00:21:03.400 We're going to applaud the things that are great. 388 00:21:03.400 --> 00:21:05.600 And we're going to question the things that are not so great. 389 00:21:05.600 --> 00:21:09.760 And that's why you need to date in the light with a community around you. 390 00:21:09.760 --> 00:21:13.680 That's why I wrote this book because I've seen so many people get messed up by doing 391 00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:17.160 this, especially if they're long distance, you have no business dating long distance. 392 00:21:17.160 --> 00:21:20.560 If you're not going to be in a community that's going to help you discern whether or not this 393 00:21:20.560 --> 00:21:22.960 person is really who they say they are. 394 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:28.680 I've walked through three, four different divorces now of people in this community that 395 00:21:28.680 --> 00:21:33.400 dated long distance, didn't listen to any of the advice or teaching, didn't heed any 396 00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:39.960 of the red flags or the warning signs, hid things from their coaches, got married anyway. 397 00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:44.320 I called one person at two o'clock in the morning before their wedding and said, do 398 00:21:44.320 --> 00:21:45.720 not marry this person. 399 00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:46.720 They did anyway. 400 00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:48.920 And they're divorced now. 401 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:50.920 Okay. 402 00:21:50.920 --> 00:21:57.720 So if you are vulnerable, if you date in the light, what you need to see, you will see 403 00:21:57.720 --> 00:21:59.040 because you are God defended. 404 00:21:59.040 --> 00:22:00.240 I believe that with all my heart. 405 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:01.240 All right. 406 00:22:01.240 --> 00:22:03.300 Are they emotionally available? 407 00:22:03.300 --> 00:22:05.880 Can they make space for you in their heart, in their life? 408 00:22:05.880 --> 00:22:09.520 Can they meet you where you are, where they are? 409 00:22:09.520 --> 00:22:11.720 Can you have conflict resolution? 410 00:22:11.720 --> 00:22:15.600 Can you communicate in a healthy way? 411 00:22:15.600 --> 00:22:17.140 These are all things that you can see. 412 00:22:17.140 --> 00:22:19.060 Are they honest? 413 00:22:19.060 --> 00:22:20.420 Are they honest? 414 00:22:20.420 --> 00:22:21.620 This is important stuff. 415 00:22:21.620 --> 00:22:22.620 Okay. 416 00:22:22.620 --> 00:22:25.420 So here's what I want to tell you. 417 00:22:25.420 --> 00:22:28.580 For those of you that have been hiding the peas in the mashed potatoes with your deal 418 00:22:28.580 --> 00:22:29.580 breakers. 419 00:22:29.580 --> 00:22:30.580 Okay. 420 00:22:30.580 --> 00:22:33.660 Like I want the person to be healthy, but then you list out what you think healthy is. 421 00:22:33.660 --> 00:22:34.740 I want them to hike. 422 00:22:34.740 --> 00:22:35.900 I want them to bike. 423 00:22:35.900 --> 00:22:37.900 I want them to be a vegetarian. 424 00:22:37.900 --> 00:22:39.660 I want them to be this and that. 425 00:22:39.660 --> 00:22:40.660 No, no, no, no, no, no. 426 00:22:40.660 --> 00:22:43.860 You just put a list of preferences underneath the mash. 427 00:22:43.860 --> 00:22:46.740 Do you see what I'm saying? 428 00:22:46.740 --> 00:22:49.420 It's a bait and switch. 429 00:22:49.420 --> 00:22:53.220 And what you're doing is you're lessening the pool, you know, because here's the thing. 430 00:22:53.220 --> 00:22:56.220 Maybe someone's never been living somewhere where they've hiked or maybe they've never 431 00:22:56.220 --> 00:22:58.540 hiked before, but they like the outdoors. 432 00:22:58.540 --> 00:23:00.740 They like to walk through the park. 433 00:23:00.740 --> 00:23:02.300 They like to kayak. 434 00:23:02.300 --> 00:23:05.300 You know, maybe they like to, you know, the wakeboard, like what's that thing, the stand 435 00:23:05.300 --> 00:23:07.820 up board thing that you do, you know, it doesn't matter. 436 00:23:07.820 --> 00:23:09.380 It can cross over. 437 00:23:09.380 --> 00:23:11.480 You don't need to have specifics. 438 00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:15.580 You don't need to hide your hobbies in your deal breaker. 439 00:23:15.580 --> 00:23:19.820 Likes hiking, likes biking, likes camping. 440 00:23:19.820 --> 00:23:22.820 They have to be willing to touch grass, okay? 441 00:23:22.820 --> 00:23:27.280 They have to be not afraid of the outdoors. 442 00:23:27.280 --> 00:23:31.260 They don't have to like cats, but they definitely have to not be allergic to cats. 443 00:23:31.260 --> 00:23:33.180 Do you understand? 444 00:23:33.180 --> 00:23:36.740 Protect the principle, not the preference. 445 00:23:36.740 --> 00:23:38.820 Don't hide your preferences in a bigger category. 446 00:23:38.820 --> 00:23:41.700 Like I just said, I want them to have a healthy lifestyle. 447 00:23:41.700 --> 00:23:46.460 And then you hide your preferences underneath that with all the things that that means to 448 00:23:46.460 --> 00:23:47.460 you. 449 00:23:47.460 --> 00:23:50.300 I saw several of you do that this week. 450 00:23:50.300 --> 00:23:53.580 Saw several of you. 451 00:23:53.580 --> 00:23:58.100 Paul said they have to touch grass, not smoke it. 452 00:23:58.100 --> 00:24:01.220 I think that's funny. 453 00:24:01.220 --> 00:24:07.820 For those of you that are old enough to call marijuana Mary Jane grass, then you know what 454 00:24:07.820 --> 00:24:09.420 he's talking about. 455 00:24:09.420 --> 00:24:10.420 Okay. 456 00:24:11.140 --> 00:24:14.860 All right. 457 00:24:14.860 --> 00:24:19.420 Don't lump five deal breakers into one deal breaker. 458 00:24:19.420 --> 00:24:20.860 Don't do that. 459 00:24:20.860 --> 00:24:21.860 Okay. 460 00:24:21.860 --> 00:24:23.460 All right. 461 00:24:23.460 --> 00:24:27.980 And then, like I said, your best deal breakers are going to, they're not going to be a lot 462 00:24:27.980 --> 00:24:33.360 because it's going to be a really important principle in your life. 463 00:24:33.360 --> 00:24:34.380 You want them to have faith. 464 00:24:34.380 --> 00:24:35.600 You want them to have character. 465 00:24:35.600 --> 00:24:37.620 You want them to have capacity. 466 00:24:37.620 --> 00:24:42.900 You can't, you can't say, I want them to have faith and then tag on a worship style. 467 00:24:42.900 --> 00:24:44.740 That's a preference. 468 00:24:44.740 --> 00:24:47.540 I want them to be, I want them to be a man of faith. 469 00:24:47.540 --> 00:24:49.060 I want them to be a woman of faith. 470 00:24:49.060 --> 00:24:54.200 But then you can't say loves worship music, reads their Bible five hours a day, praise 471 00:24:54.200 --> 00:24:56.660 in this specific style. 472 00:24:56.660 --> 00:24:59.980 No, you just want them to share your faith. 473 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.340 And that should be on all of you that are people of faith that should be on all of your deal-breakers 474 00:25:04.340 --> 00:25:10.520 You want them to share your faith for those of you that are Christians? Let me tell you unequally yoked means simply this 475 00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:13.000 they 476 00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:17.360 Have not surrendered to Jesus being their Savior and the Lord of their life 477 00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:20.720 They don't believe that Jesus is their Savior 478 00:25:21.900 --> 00:25:26.480 Jesus I don't care if they believe in God. I don't care if they go to church have they surrendered 479 00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:29.880 Are they following Christ? Are they disciple of Christ? Are they following Christ? 480 00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:35.520 That is what that scripture means. It doesn't mean that they worship in a certain style 481 00:25:35.640 --> 00:25:40.720 It doesn't mean they go to a certain type of church. It doesn't mean that they have a certain spiritual gift 482 00:25:40.720 --> 00:25:45.720 It doesn't mean any of that. It means do they follow Jesus? 483 00:25:46.440 --> 00:25:48.080 period 484 00:25:48.080 --> 00:25:50.080 That's what it means 485 00:25:50.840 --> 00:25:55.440 That's what it means, please don't get in the weeds of oh, you know, whose church are we gonna go to? 486 00:25:55.440 --> 00:25:58.960 They go to a way different type of church. What why do you why are you worried about that right now? 487 00:26:00.040 --> 00:26:02.040 You're not marrying them 488 00:26:02.520 --> 00:26:06.360 You're not marrying them right now. You don't have to think about that. That's not important 489 00:26:08.040 --> 00:26:11.000 That's people trying to have a Burger King 490 00:26:12.360 --> 00:26:16.000 Relationship where it's just all your way, you and you know everything in advance 491 00:26:16.520 --> 00:26:19.820 Guys God doesn't even work that way for those of you that are people of faith 492 00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.640 There's gonna be some mystery in your love your love story. You know that right? 493 00:26:24.640 --> 00:26:29.040 There's gonna be some mystery in it. You're not gonna get all the details when in your life 494 00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:33.920 Have you ever gotten a full blueprint from God about anything ever? 495 00:26:35.360 --> 00:26:37.360 Never you never did 496 00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:42.880 Okay. So why would you why would this be different? Why wouldn't you have to take this one step at a time? 497 00:26:45.160 --> 00:26:50.600 Why wouldn't you have to compromise why wouldn't this have to stretch you and change you and you know 498 00:26:50.600 --> 00:26:55.000 Why wouldn't you have to make room for this? That's how everything else works in this life 499 00:26:55.840 --> 00:26:57.840 with Christ 500 00:26:59.800 --> 00:27:03.800 Let the preferences work themselves out make sure that the deal-breakers 501 00:27:04.760 --> 00:27:08.160 None of them have been broken as soon as a deal-breaker gets broken 502 00:27:09.320 --> 00:27:11.960 It's important that you end it right then 503 00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:18.760 Maybe not in that conversation, but in an appropriate moment you say hey, you know 504 00:27:18.840 --> 00:27:25.740 I've really enjoyed getting to know you and I just don't I I know that, you know, we're not gonna be a match 505 00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:31.920 Long-term and you can share with them why and if they get mad at you then guess what you were definitely right 506 00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:32.640 and 507 00:27:32.640 --> 00:27:34.320 if they take it and you know 508 00:27:34.320 --> 00:27:39.120 people only get their feelings hurt because people just hang on for too long trying to 509 00:27:39.400 --> 00:27:44.960 Convince themselves that they can make it work when there was a true violation of a deal-breaker 510 00:27:45.720 --> 00:27:51.280 Women you're really bad at this. I can fix it. It's okay. He can change 511 00:27:54.720 --> 00:28:00.720 That's scarcity, that's the scarcity script you're running the scarcity script stop it. Oh, I just like him so much 512 00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:04.960 I'm so excited by him gentlemen. You can do this, too. I'm so sexually attracted to her 513 00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:12.640 I'm just going to ignore the fact that she has three baby daddies and one of her babies is only two months old 514 00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:14.640 That's a deal-breaker 515 00:28:17.280 --> 00:28:23.040 But but but she's learned her she has she just had a baby with another man she wasn't married to two months ago 516 00:28:23.040 --> 00:28:25.680 What are you thinking? I'll tell you what you're thinking 517 00:28:26.520 --> 00:28:27.720 Uh-huh 518 00:28:27.720 --> 00:28:29.720 I'll tell you what you're thinking 519 00:28:29.840 --> 00:28:31.840 You're the thinking 520 00:28:32.120 --> 00:28:34.120 I'd smash that or 521 00:28:34.360 --> 00:28:39.000 You're thinking that you want to rescue her and both of those are gonna get you in deep trouble 522 00:28:39.040 --> 00:28:41.040 Deal-breaker 523 00:28:41.600 --> 00:28:44.080 People's morals matter. It's a deal-breaker 524 00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:50.480 You know let her figure out her own life instead of trying to jump on another man's boat again 525 00:28:52.720 --> 00:28:55.760 God has someone for her in the future. There's no judgment here 526 00:28:56.640 --> 00:29:00.440 Remember when you when you hit a deal-breaker, you're not judging that person 527 00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:07.760 You just know because you have prayed and you know yourself that these are the people that are going to help you 528 00:29:08.080 --> 00:29:13.360 That these are things that you absolutely can't have in a relationship or absolutely have to have in a relationship 529 00:29:14.120 --> 00:29:15.960 Please own it 530 00:29:15.960 --> 00:29:22.160 the faster that you own this stuff the faster that you are gonna weed people out and the faster that you're gonna actually get to 531 00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:24.160 Your spirit mate. Did you know that? 532 00:29:24.160 --> 00:29:26.160 You 533 00:29:34.240 --> 00:29:39.720 Okay, so Nora has a good question in the chat and I'm gonna release you guys in just a second to your activation 534 00:29:39.720 --> 00:29:41.720 So Cheryl get ready. So 535 00:29:43.280 --> 00:29:45.280 She's talking about 536 00:29:45.320 --> 00:29:48.680 Trauma that has created a deal-breaker for her 537 00:29:49.680 --> 00:29:54.840 She does not want to date or marry someone who is on the spectrum 538 00:29:55.240 --> 00:29:59.360 First of all, you guys I think everyone has a touch of the tism. Okay 539 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.760 In different ways. We're all eccentric. We've all got some neurodivergency. I really don't believe that there's any 540 00:30:06.280 --> 00:30:12.280 Normal people out there. Okay, but she's specifically citing that her brother and her father 541 00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:15.640 Have a hard time understanding emotions 542 00:30:16.480 --> 00:30:19.400 They have a hard time having empathy 543 00:30:21.160 --> 00:30:25.800 She's wondering what kind of counseling she has to go through in order to 544 00:30:26.240 --> 00:30:32.840 You know make that not a deal-breaker anymore and you know, just just surrender it to a preference 545 00:30:33.160 --> 00:30:35.880 But Nora what you don't understand honey, is that is a deal-breaker? 546 00:30:36.800 --> 00:30:43.240 It is absolutely okay for you to put on your deal-breaker list that the person is emotionally available 547 00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:46.480 That can be a non-negotiable 548 00:30:46.720 --> 00:30:48.640 the person is 549 00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:52.360 Emotionally informed they have done the work. I 550 00:30:52.880 --> 00:30:54.880 I 551 00:30:55.080 --> 00:30:58.760 Personally am in in relationship with one, you know pretty 552 00:30:59.320 --> 00:31:03.800 Severely autistic guy who's done a lot of healing and a lot of work and guess what? 553 00:31:03.800 --> 00:31:08.080 He has a lot of empathy and he's emotionally available. He's had to really work at it 554 00:31:08.080 --> 00:31:10.920 So it's not that autistic people can't get there because they absolutely can 555 00:31:11.040 --> 00:31:14.740 But it's okay for her to say by the time that you've made it to me 556 00:31:15.280 --> 00:31:18.840 Because I've done a lot of work. I know Nora. She's one of my last year single girls 557 00:31:19.360 --> 00:31:23.680 By the time that you've made it to me and we're on a date you have to have already done this work 558 00:31:25.440 --> 00:31:28.480 You have to have already done it you got to meet me where I am 559 00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:31.400 And you guys there's exceptions to every rule 560 00:31:31.400 --> 00:31:36.200 But for most of you if you've done a specific type of work in a specific area of your life 561 00:31:36.440 --> 00:31:42.400 Then it is completely reasonable that you are wanting someone who is going to meet you where you are 562 00:31:43.440 --> 00:31:48.080 Not someone that's way over here that you're gonna have to I just I got it 563 00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:50.720 I got a really cute client ladies. He's in Las Vegas 564 00:31:50.720 --> 00:31:56.720 So if you're in between the ages of 32 and 42 and you know, you want a musician coach 565 00:31:57.800 --> 00:31:59.800 Wonderful, you know good-looking guy 566 00:32:00.840 --> 00:32:02.640 loves Jesus 567 00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:05.340 Send us an email admin at Jackie Dorman comm 568 00:32:06.040 --> 00:32:12.680 Put David Las Vegas in the in the subject bar. He is willing to move but he is very embedded 569 00:32:12.680 --> 00:32:16.840 He's from there. He's he's from there. He's lived there as all his life most of his life 570 00:32:16.840 --> 00:32:23.320 But I will tell you that he attracts girls because he is good-looking and everything that are just not spiritually mature 571 00:32:23.320 --> 00:32:28.840 They don't really know God. They don't really know Jesus and I really appreciate the fact that even as a man, you know 572 00:32:28.840 --> 00:32:30.200 Could he marry a woman like that? 573 00:32:30.200 --> 00:32:34.960 Could he just trust that you know as the leader as the man that she's just gonna come along with him 574 00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.840 You know, you can do anything you want but has that blown up in a lot of people's faces in the past 575 00:32:39.840 --> 00:32:44.280 Yes, it has and he refuses to do it. So he just messaged me and said hey Jackie 576 00:32:44.320 --> 00:32:46.200 Is it okay that you know 577 00:32:46.200 --> 00:32:51.960 This girl's really interested in me and he's like and she has a lot of things on my preference list and even some of my non 578 00:32:52.120 --> 00:32:59.000 Negotiables, but you know, she really is very spiritually a either a baby or you know, barely even a believer 579 00:32:59.080 --> 00:33:03.320 You know, he's like I just really that has to be a deal-breaker for me 580 00:33:03.320 --> 00:33:05.360 He's like am I being too picky and I'm like now 581 00:33:06.800 --> 00:33:08.800 You're not 582 00:33:09.080 --> 00:33:12.160 You're not so Nora you're allowed to have that as a deal-breaker 583 00:33:12.160 --> 00:33:16.800 So guess what? You don't need any counseling to try to get rid of that because you're allowed to have it 584 00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:27.440 All right, so remember friends ask yourself the magic question when you're making these lists 585 00:33:28.400 --> 00:33:32.360 Those deal-breakers are going to be character over chemistry. They're going to be about faith 586 00:33:32.360 --> 00:33:37.640 They're going to be about character about capacity in that person's life. And right now these are the main categories 587 00:33:37.640 --> 00:33:44.160 Remember principles over preference. They're gonna be about emotional availability about financial wisdom about honesty about 588 00:33:44.920 --> 00:33:48.880 Teachability gentlemen, please don't marry a stubborn woman if during the first 30 days 589 00:33:48.880 --> 00:33:53.160 She's got everything but she's just not a safe space 590 00:33:53.400 --> 00:34:00.480 She's super stubborn stubborn every time you say something she pushes back. She doesn't believe you. She doesn't trust you 591 00:34:00.680 --> 00:34:02.680 You know, she's constantly like 592 00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:06.800 Who are you talking to on the phone or this or that? Yeah, that's a no 593 00:34:07.760 --> 00:34:13.120 That's a deal-breaker a suspect a suspicious woman who is 594 00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:16.000 distrusting and 595 00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:23.280 Is unteachable hard-headed or stubborn the the Bible actually talks about that it actually lists that stuff out 596 00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:27.560 So don't think that your love's gonna change her 597 00:34:27.679 --> 00:34:32.719 Okay, let the love of God change her and then maybe he can put some Jesus with skin on it in her life 598 00:34:33.719 --> 00:34:38.320 Later on ladies don't be that woman and if you already are that woman and you're like well 599 00:34:38.320 --> 00:34:42.800 The right man is just gonna you know, he's gonna break down all my walls. No, you're gonna marry a thief 600 00:34:43.199 --> 00:34:47.320 Okay, the book of Proverbs says if you build a wall you marry a thief you're gonna marry a thief 601 00:34:47.320 --> 00:34:53.000 That's what's gonna happen. If you don't take down the walls with the help of the Holy Spirit. That's what's gonna happen 602 00:34:53.800 --> 00:34:59.960 Okay, some man's gonna come and he's gonna love-bomb you and you're gonna be like finally and you're gonna 603 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.480 get married and it's going to be a nightmare. 604 00:35:04.080 --> 00:35:08.800 Remember, non-negotiables should not be superficial. Height, income, 605 00:35:09.160 --> 00:35:13.080 hobbies, even love languages. You guys, 606 00:35:13.100 --> 00:35:15.720 all of us should have developed all the love languages. 607 00:35:15.920 --> 00:35:20.600 If you only have one love language and let's mature and let's develop some more. 608 00:35:21.120 --> 00:35:24.120 I'm so tired of the five love languages. Why are we one faceted? 609 00:35:24.120 --> 00:35:25.760 Did God make you to be one faceted? 610 00:35:28.080 --> 00:35:29.660 If you have a problem with physical touch, 611 00:35:29.700 --> 00:35:32.940 you probably shouldn't get married. Just, just, just so you know, 612 00:35:32.960 --> 00:35:35.860 that's some trauma that needs to get worked out because we've all been created 613 00:35:35.860 --> 00:35:36.700 to be touched. 614 00:35:36.900 --> 00:35:41.060 Do you guys know that there's babies and orphanages in places like Russia that 615 00:35:41.060 --> 00:35:44.900 do not get touched by humans and they fail to thrive and die? 616 00:35:45.260 --> 00:35:48.220 Why is that? Because we've all been created to be touched. 617 00:35:48.220 --> 00:35:51.780 And if you do not like to be touched, then you might have a tad of a tism. 618 00:35:52.460 --> 00:35:55.780 You got to get that. Got to get that worked out. 619 00:35:56.100 --> 00:35:59.540 Not making fun of you. If you know me in person and some of you do, 620 00:35:59.540 --> 00:36:03.380 I'm very eccentric. I would never make fun of someone else's eccentricity. 621 00:36:03.860 --> 00:36:08.420 Very eccentric person right here. And God had a mate for me. 622 00:36:08.740 --> 00:36:13.620 Okay. And he's pretty eccentric too. So if you don't like being touched, 623 00:36:13.620 --> 00:36:18.060 let's work that out. If you don't like spending quality time, I didn't say quantity. 624 00:36:18.060 --> 00:36:21.980 I said quality time with the person you love. Let's get that worked out 625 00:36:24.380 --> 00:36:26.100 because that ain't going to work in marriage. 626 00:36:26.860 --> 00:36:31.820 You need to be spending quality time together. Right? Words of affirmation. 627 00:36:31.820 --> 00:36:34.460 If you can't receive a compliment, if you can't give a compliment, 628 00:36:34.460 --> 00:36:37.780 if you can't encourage someone, if you can't be encouraged, once again, 629 00:36:37.780 --> 00:36:38.980 you're not ready to be married. 630 00:36:39.620 --> 00:36:44.180 So please don't put love languages as your non-negotiables because people should 631 00:36:44.180 --> 00:36:48.460 be developing those gifts. I know that people are just like, Oh, 632 00:36:48.460 --> 00:36:49.500 I don't really understand that. 633 00:36:49.820 --> 00:36:53.300 It should be a love language of everyone's because you should be able to give. 634 00:36:53.540 --> 00:36:57.380 It's not about expensive stuff. It's about thinking of someone. 635 00:36:57.660 --> 00:37:01.100 It's about giving and being able to also receive. 636 00:37:01.420 --> 00:37:04.220 Giving and receiving should be a prerequisite for marriage. 637 00:37:04.500 --> 00:37:06.620 You have to be able to give and to receive. 638 00:37:06.860 --> 00:37:09.100 You do not want to give her and a taker marrying each other. 639 00:37:09.260 --> 00:37:13.060 Both of you should want to receive gifts from each other. 640 00:37:13.500 --> 00:37:16.740 And I'm not talking about material things. I'm talking about a thoughtful thing, 641 00:37:16.740 --> 00:37:20.620 a card, you know, a flower, you know, uh, 642 00:37:21.020 --> 00:37:25.820 a special this or that doesn't matter. Sentimentality, thinking of the person. 643 00:37:25.820 --> 00:37:27.860 That's what this, that's what the gifts love languages. 644 00:37:27.860 --> 00:37:31.660 And there's so many more love languages besides those five. And I don't know, 645 00:37:31.660 --> 00:37:36.020 those five made the cut somehow, but there's more than that. All right. Okay. 646 00:37:36.020 --> 00:37:40.420 So remember it's not about height or income or hobbies or favorite vacation. 647 00:37:41.260 --> 00:37:45.540 It's not about that. It's like, Oh, I like to vacation in the Hamptons. 648 00:37:45.540 --> 00:37:50.340 Well, I like to vacation in Hawaii. Well, we can't be together because you know, 649 00:37:50.460 --> 00:37:54.740 those are two very different vacations. No, that's dumb. All right. 650 00:37:55.460 --> 00:37:56.660 And remember the question is, 651 00:37:56.660 --> 00:38:01.500 would I rather stay single than marry someone who doesn't or does have this? 652 00:38:01.540 --> 00:38:06.020 That is the deal breaker question. Would I rather? 653 00:38:09.420 --> 00:38:12.780 And if the answer is no, then it's just a preference. It's just a preference. 654 00:38:12.820 --> 00:38:16.260 Okay. All right. Cheryl, are you ready to put these folks, 655 00:38:16.300 --> 00:38:19.780 each of your breakouts going to be about 15 to 17 minutes long. 656 00:38:19.820 --> 00:38:23.300 You're going to get out of here at about eight 30 central. Okay. 657 00:38:23.300 --> 00:38:26.460 So in about one hour from now, maybe less, 658 00:38:27.460 --> 00:38:30.540 I hope all of you will stay and be part of these breakouts because you're really 659 00:38:30.540 --> 00:38:33.660 going to help each other. These breakouts are over some really good stuff. 660 00:38:34.300 --> 00:38:36.580 Really, really good stuff. All right. 661 00:38:36.820 --> 00:38:40.580 So here's a little activation for you. After you get off the call tonight, 662 00:38:40.580 --> 00:38:45.140 go back to your list of deal breakers and non non-negotiables and preferences 663 00:38:45.660 --> 00:38:46.780 and ask yourself, 664 00:38:46.780 --> 00:38:50.340 can I know this about this person within the first 30 to 60 days? 665 00:38:51.540 --> 00:38:55.540 Is this thing on my deal breaker list, protecting my future marriage, 666 00:38:55.940 --> 00:39:00.580 or is it just describing my dream person? Is this a value of mine, 667 00:39:00.580 --> 00:39:02.780 a true value? Is it something that I am, 668 00:39:02.940 --> 00:39:06.540 please don't put any deal breakers up that you're not. You can't say, 669 00:39:06.540 --> 00:39:10.180 I want a financially responsible person when you're not financially responsible. 670 00:39:10.420 --> 00:39:13.420 No, no, no. That's not right. You shouldn't do that. You can't do that. 671 00:39:13.580 --> 00:39:16.980 So ask yourself, is this a true value of mine? 672 00:39:17.060 --> 00:39:21.380 Is it a value that I should have because I have it and I'm living it out? 673 00:39:22.340 --> 00:39:24.220 Or is this just a preference in disguise? 674 00:39:24.980 --> 00:39:28.700 And then would I rather stay single than compromise on this? 675 00:39:30.220 --> 00:39:33.060 Okay. Like I couldn't be happy in a, 676 00:39:33.100 --> 00:39:35.900 in a marriage where this thing either lived or didn't live. 677 00:39:36.140 --> 00:39:40.220 So I guess I need to stay single unless I find someone who does or doesn't have 678 00:39:40.220 --> 00:39:45.020 this. Okay. All right. All right, you guys. Good coaching. Does that help you? 679 00:39:45.100 --> 00:39:47.660 Does that help you with your non-negotiables versus deal breakers? 680 00:39:48.260 --> 00:39:51.580 Give me a high five. Does it help you? All right. 681 00:39:52.780 --> 00:39:57.140 All right, Cheryl, let's put these people explain their activation. 682 00:39:57.140 --> 00:39:59.940 Their first one. Cheryl's going to explain the. 683 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.240 Activation, she's gonna put you in groups of three to four. 684 00:40:03.240 --> 00:40:04.680 Please don't talk over each other. 685 00:40:04.680 --> 00:40:05.920 Someone emailed in and said, 686 00:40:05.920 --> 00:40:08.100 no one would let me talk in my group. 687 00:40:09.560 --> 00:40:11.580 Give each other space, okay? 688 00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:15.380 And then when you're in your group, 689 00:40:15.380 --> 00:40:18.680 she's going to drop in a message into your group 690 00:40:18.680 --> 00:40:20.360 that kind of reiterates the assignment. 691 00:40:20.360 --> 00:40:22.840 She's gonna explain the assignment, but you know, we forget. 692 00:40:22.840 --> 00:40:25.960 And she's gonna stick you into your group, send you on, 693 00:40:26.040 --> 00:40:31.040 and then she's going to put it in the chat in your group 694 00:40:31.120 --> 00:40:32.980 so you can see it. 695 00:40:32.980 --> 00:40:33.820 All right. 696 00:40:35.340 --> 00:40:37.180 Okay, all right, friends. 697 00:40:38.200 --> 00:40:40.400 I will be going off camera, 698 00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:43.440 and I will see you either in the app, 699 00:40:43.440 --> 00:40:44.960 in the Facebook optional page. 700 00:40:44.960 --> 00:40:47.960 I hope to see you in last year single in the next two weeks.