Great. Jessica, you look like a little girl. How old are you?
Just turned 37. I could have swore you about 27. You look
like a baby. What do y'all think? Does she look like a little baby? My word. Anyway,
so it is so good to have all you wonderful ladies here on tonight. It's so good to see
some names, not yet faces that I haven't seen in a while. I'm always happy. Kelly, how's
it going? All right. Let me... So let me run through some little housekeeping.
Things here. Okay. We're recording. I need to be more, a little bit more focused. So
is there anyone new? This is your first time. It doesn't look like it to me. Okay. All right.
Good. Nobody. Okay. All right. Good. Modern Day Sucks Book Club starts on July 19th. So
if you didn't get a chance to make it, Amy, is this your first time? You look familiar
to me. I thought I've seen your name before. It's my first time in the second phase for
a Tuesday night. I've only been on Monday nights. So we'll just transition. Welcome.
We're so happy to have you. Yeah. Are you excited about phase two? I'm not sure yet.
Okay. Okay. Well, surely let us know. Tiffany is in the house. Hey, I've been thinking about you.
How's everything going? It is good to be here. Good. Well, it's good to have you. You need to
give me an update when you get an opportunity. Yes, ma'am. Okay. Modern Day Sucks, I know the
book club starts July 19th. So that means if you weren't able to get into the first one,
the second one is going. I heard that it is really, really good. And that book is amazing.
Check your email. You should get an email about signing up. If you want to join, check that out.
If you don't, you can email at me and check your spam folder first. And then you can email at me.
If you make a new post, some of you guys are really good about tagging again and saying,
hey, I made this post. Please follow up with me or check it out. A lot of you ladies are really
good with that. If you post something and then get follow up with, just say, hey, follow up with my
post. I made a post. Please take a look at it. You can do at Carla and at me. If you put the ad in
there, it should bing us hopefully, but you can put both our names on. Now, unless you just want
Carla to respond or whatever. But I think that if you put both of our names, even if you desire,
like, hey, Ebony, I really want you to chime in on this. Or hey, Carla, I really want you to chime
in on this. You can say that, but it's always good to have both. If both coaches respond,
it's a really good thing because you get different perspectives.
Let's see. If you want to do one-on-one coaching, just a reminder, ladies, this is not mandatory.
Okay. And so when it's shared with you, this is not a mandatory thing. It is for an additional fee,
but you can go to the resources tab. And I think it's under there, under coaches or
hire coach. I think that's what is underneath hire coach. This includes 50-minute video call
with the coach that you choose that fits your schedule. And there are coaches on there that
you don't know. You don't have to, like, they're really good. So don't, like, if you feel pulled
toward one or the other, try them out. I know that you're going to really enjoy your session, right?
And so one of the notes, and we generally don't run into this in our session, but it's very
possible. If you had a question, let's, well, not, I'm not going to say that that's not true.
If you had a question, you didn't ask it because maybe it was getting late. Just know that you can
post it in the chat, but I may not get a chance to read it, but somebody can let me know in this
group. Like, hey, somebody posted a really good question in the chat. Can you address it?
That'll be good. It'll be helpful. I can't, it's challenging for me to do both at the same time,
or you can, we'll try to get to your question. All right. So if anybody wants to volunteer to
keep me on task about questions in the chat that are really good, that would be addressed to me
to respond.
or somebody says something you would like to hear,
hear a coach's perspective on it.
You know, definitely, let's go for that.
So I'm gonna pray,
because it seems like I'm kind of dragging along here.
Father, I thank you for every one of these ladies.
I thank you for their love story.
I thank you, Lord God,
that nobody writes a love story quite like you.
Well, not even quite like you, not even close to you,
for you know the way that you've designed us, oh God.
And one thing about you
is everything that you do is intentional.
It is on purpose and it's for purpose.
And so I thank you, Lord God,
for kingdom purpose being manifested
in every one of their lives.
I thank you for the journey
more than I thank you for the outcome,
because it's in the journey
that the stretching and the making is being done.
It's in the journey that you're healing them,
you're restoring them, and you're making them new.
Lord, marriage is a light thing for you to do.
And so that means that they've not said I do,
that there is more work that you wanna do in them
because you love them and you care for them.
You're not dangling a carrot in front of their face
and telling them that they can't have it
because they're not good enough,
they're not been, they're not performed.
God, this is not a performance, oh God,
but you want to be a performance in their life.
Lord God, you want to bring things into manifestation,
into fruition, and you want to heal us,
and you want to grow us, and you wanna make us new.
And so Father, we thank you for this journey,
and we thank you, Lord God,
that if we've not said I do,
we know that you're working something good in our lives.
In Jesus name, amen.
And I just wanna say, you know,
for whoever this is, you're not forsaken,
you're not forgotten, that is not what this is about.
The Lord has not forgotten you, you're not forsaken, okay?
I just wanted to share that.
All right, so tonight we're gonna be talking about,
and it may go fairly quickly,
is learning how to show without performing.
Now this is a thing, because I often say what my sister
will say, dating is one of the biggest scams we know.
Because sometimes people show up with a face on,
and as much as I would like to believe that that's not me,
I've evaluated dating situations,
and I also showed up with a mask.
And when I came afterwards, I had to reevaluate.
Sometimes there's this thing that happens in you,
like you wanna show everything that you are.
You don't know that you're doing it,
but you wanna show all the goodness that you are,
and tell all the things you're doing.
You wanna tell how amazing you are,
so that maybe they can see that you really are good,
that you really should be chosen.
Those are not the thoughts in your head,
but if you will take a little time and evaluate,
you may find that these things are also true for you.
It could be something that, it happens so naturally,
that you don't know that it's happening,
until in hindsight, when you look back upon it,
you can evaluate for yourself that you too were performing.
And oftentimes we will perform,
because they call it putting your best foot forward, right?
But this performance, sometimes it's unto choose me.
And then when they don't choose you,
you're like, well, what is it about me?
I gave them, you know, I gave them the best show I could give.
That's not what you say, but you like,
you feel like you showed up and you gave the very best of you
and it did not pay off.
And so we wanna talk about,
I'm sorry, it hasn't gotten better.
Oh, that's to someone else.
So discovery dating ideally is the place
that we want you to practice being yourself.
And that comes, you have to recognize
that a performance can be happening,
so that you can actually see who the authentic person is.
Because there are some things that happen
in discovery dating and the skill of dating, right?
You want to be kind, you want to be honoring.
Parts of you are operating in new places
you've never operated before.
So you're putting aside entitlement, you're being gracious,
you're extending more than you usually would extend.
And that's not a mask,
you're actually practicing a new muscle.
You're doing something new, you're in this program,
your heart has been healed,
you're looking through a different lens.
And so you actually are working a lot of things at one time
and you ladies don't give yourself enough credit
for everything that you're doing.
And when you use the wrong measuring,
when you measure based on the outcome,
you don't come up with an accurate measurement
of what's happening in you and what you're actually doing.
You are on a faith journey,
I cannot express this enough to you.
You are learning some of you guys how to trust God
for the very first time,
but for all of us a first time in an area
that you've never had to trust him before.
I imagine that most of us
have not seen a kingdom marriage done.
We've not seen God be a matchmaker before.
And though we see lots of women in the community
being married off,
there's nobody in your close-knit circle
that you've seen before.
So this is a whole new thing.
But you do have the history.
of all the failed attempts or the no attempts
or nothing happening in your life.
And so this is a really big faith journey.
And that's something you need to remind yourself of often
that you are always putting yourself out
even if you hadn't created the data profile inside of you,
you're trying to grow to a place of vulnerability.
Inside of you, you want to reach this place
that we talk about.
And so that is work even when you don't use the words
because you're striving for something on the inside of you
and hoping that one day it'll show up on the outside of you.
And that's how we get from the inside of us
to the outside of us because something keeps working
on the inside to produce something on the outside.
I know those like, sounds like a play of words,
but do you, are you tracking with me?
And sometimes we underestimate just how much work that takes
to push past your fears, to push past your limits,
to push past the laws that you've created
on the inside of you.
And so this is a big journey
and it's one that requires much vulnerability.
And it is a journey that is full of bumps
and twists and turns, some stings and some ouches.
Ouch, some rejection, some no, not yet.
And wait a little while longer, wait four months longer,
wait one year longer, by Lord.
Every time you hear somebody say it took three years,
you're like, not me, God forbid.
And then they say, well, the Lord had to do some things
and then you're like, well, God forbid, God forbid,
don't let it be me.
To tell people, don't tell me your story,
keep it to yourself.
Anyway, okay, so I'm done with it, yeah.
So anyway, give yourself more credit
for what you're doing.
And so we always just want to, I just take in moments,
I realize that you may not be celebrating yourself,
but I believe that it's my responsibility
to celebrate you all more in all that you're doing
so that you won't believe that the work
that you're doing is in vain,
even if it's just showing up to a coaching session.
You're actually entertaining the thought of this thing.
You know, the Bible says that even though Abraham
was dead in his body, he believed.
The Bible says that he hoped against hope.
And the Bible says that Sarah being past childbearing years,
believed the Lord for the promise.
You know, one time a guy said to me,
we were ending things and he said to me, he was like,
well, you said that the Lord said
that you were gonna be married this year.
And I got so angry with him because he shared,
threw back in my face after we're breaking up,
something that I believe the Lord has said to me.
And all of a sudden the thought came into my mind
and I said it to him, I said, I have a promise.
What do you have?
So ladies, you have a promise.
And the Bible says that against hope, Abraham hoped
when he was dead in his body, he believed the Lord.
When Sarah was beyond childbearing years,
she hoped in the Lord for the promise to be fulfilled.
I got a promise.
And so I don't think it's strange
that every time I wake up and I keep believing
because I have a promise.
Because you best believe that every time Abraham
put his dead body on top of Sarah and they slept together,
they were believing God for the promised child.
Even though she was beyond childbearing years,
every single time, oh, it went out at the wrong time.
Every single time, they believed the Lord for a child.
Right?
And so that within itself tells me
that when I have a promise, I'm gonna keep believing
and I'm gonna do it without apology.
One second, y'all, I'm trying to get the camera back on.
I don't wanna buy no computer.
All right.
Aye, yai, yai.
Okay.
Maybe we'll have to go with the...
We hear you very well.
Oh yeah.
It's like when I hook up the new one,
the old, the one on the computer wants to work,
but it keeps going.
Yeah.
And so this is what I told, this is what I said.
Huh?
Oh, this is the It Witch.
Oh, shoot.
Sorry.
Shoot.
Me too.
Oh my goodness, how did I do?
Go ahead and mute.
I'm so sorry, though.
It's okay, girl.
We're family.
All right.
So I have a promise
and I want you ladies to hold on to that.
What do I got?
I got a promise.
And then when you, after you say,
I got a promise in your mind, say,
well, what if it's not for you?
Say, hey.
Even if it's not for me, I'm gonna lay claim to it. Ah
So you gotta learn how to use the language of even if
So when the lie comes or when something comes opposite of the Bible says take every thought and hold it captive
You take that thought you hold that thing captive and you look back at that thought and you say even if
It wasn't for me. It's gonna be for me today
All right, even if everybody's getting married, it don't mean I won't get married
Even if there's a drought all around me, it doesn't mean that water won't come
It's gonna rain one day. It's the first Sunday in every month. Come on. All right
You remember that so?
All right
We want to learn to show up without performing
And so I'm gonna hang tight to some of my notes so we can practice how to show up without performing. So
Let's talk about flirting
And we'll talk about flirting because a lot of times we get post or I talk with some lady and they say well
It's flirting like being manipulative or is this like using a person?
When you ladies hear the word flirting put in the chat what you think about
What do you think when you hear flirting
You
Flunk fun and playful. Oh, thank you Rachel
Trying to attract feeling pretty sexy fun light hearted cute. Come on smiling laughing being playful
Goofy maybe like 60 come on awkward fun light
Compliment playful
These are all really good light and fun because what you put
Leaning into the feminine. Yeah light high hearted good
So the things that you put to describe flirting is a description of your personality
more than likely
How you're seeing flare flirting is how you would imagine flirting is and ideally maybe how you show up as a flirt
It can that connect or resonate with anyone it's very possible. Okay, so when we say flirt
You you want permission to just be yourself?
That's basically what you want. You want to be yourself. We give you permission to be yourself. There's nothing wrong with flirting
It's nothing wrong with being light hearted. Sometimes we believe that if I flirt with someone I'm pursuing them
I
I'm like should I be saying this to them or should I be doing this with them?
I want you to hear flirting and I want you to hear what you said flirting is to you and I want you to show
Up that way. I want you to start showing up with me in that way. They will like it and
So will you?
You
Do you think as you think on that do you think that it's possible that you ladies could show up that way give yourself permission
to be you
How many of us hold back that side of us?
light
playful
Mm-hmm, but it's you right
Why do you think you hold back you?
Put it in check why you think you hold back that person
You
Fear rejection. Mm-hmm
Yep fear
Get focused on tasks that need to be done. All right
Nervous of looking silly. Mm-hmm
Yeah
You're trying to save a bit more fear rejection abandon me. They won't like me. Yeah, it won't be received. Yeah
I
Don't want to come across as bold. All right to the one who doesn't want to come across as bold
Tell me what do you think that's connected to?
It is fun to flirt Shelly. I just do it naturally. I don't know how I got good at it, but my lord
My friend when she goes to me, she's like, do you know you was just flirting? I was like, I know it feels so good
It's so much fun. I'm just like don't give me no look 25 year old waiter. I'm like, oh, I don't know the boy
I practice all my skills
Cuz he's just gonna smile and blush
You don't know what to do when it's older woman practice on those little young waiters. They don't know what to do. They just blush
like crazy it's just they want they tilt so they just entertain and they're like whatever you say
whatever you say there go back and tell their friends that they pulled them up they pulled
them a cube a cougar don't just just go for it you naturally smile so me i always think i'm
flirting good it's good that men think that you're flirting it's good that you look open and glenn do
you think that uh you believe that um you don't want to look bold because maybe um women are
maybe like you think that maybe you should be more gentle um that or that that um bold doesn't
associate with femininity i mean i think maybe it's my age group that you just never did that
like growing up you you know you waited on the boy or the guy to make the first move
so uh yeah yeah so it was that ladylike you know that is true i'm so glad you said that
depending on your um what generation you came about in it wasn't um looked upon even though
men liked it it didn't look ladylike or feel like you were putting yourself out there or being loose
right um or not being kept um or it could send signals to men that you're a type of woman that
you're not right go ahead um last week i drove up to my daughter's house and i was on the express
on the freeway and this guy in a truck but he was nice looking too and he come up sign he smiled
and i just smiled back and he waved and i waved and it was like and he he would pull up beside me
a little bit and then pull back and it was just for like a couple miles but i'm like hey i still
got it i know oh it's nothing like when you realize you still got a baby that still gotta
get you that's why i encourage you ladies to go on a date if he don't look like a killer and he
looks he got a decent job he'll teach you or something like that go on out with him even if
he don't look that good just go and let that man look at you like i got a date with a pretty woman
so the only thing he could do with that tape is keep talking about his self his life his self
his life and don't walk away feel like he asked me nothing about myself i must not be injured no
he just don't know what to do he looking at this pretty woman and he can't believe that you are
with him at one point i was like i'm gonna take my age group up because i know the old man want
a young thing like me and it's gonna help me feel like i still got it if they do they be
like sometimes you gotta think outside the box amanda no i'm just playing because how you looking
at me it's nothing personal uh so sometimes you can take your age range up for some nice dates
um just to see that you still got it because they're like oh i can't believe it if you look
at you like i can't believe it i just can't believe it it's like you probably shouldn't
believe it buddy so um flirting is simply creating a way to connect that's all it is
it's sending an invitation that if you're interested i'm interested in hearing what you
have to say that's all it is it's a way of connecting um and shows availability and you
still have the opportunity after flirt i flirted with lots of people and didn't give them my number
and i would just tell them well i'm just having fun if you could keep up let's do it
and so i'll i'll have this fun banter back and forth and it helps me with language um and it
helps me um uh when it's time to talk to someone that i may be interested in i've already worked
the muscle enough to do it without feeling um if they say no they say no because i said no to enough
people to give them space or hold space for them to say no i've had to say no to a lot of me and
that's okay and so then when a man has to say no to me then it has to be okay right and so that's
kind of my my um my that i did that perspective that i've had to say no i've said no to a lot of
men um it's kind of like my place that i can bounce the it's kind of like it's not a wall
that i put up but it's the little mattress in front of me that when they say no it kind of just
hits up against a really soft mattress and that mattress was created from i had to say no to a lot
of people and so i understand their no to me because i've had to do it too and that no doesn't
get a chance to be a rejection toward me because it bounced up against something really soft that
was not absorbing um rejection as an identity but that person's right to say no does that make sense
and so we were at um and tiffany came came over here to austin we went to a single
conference. And the guy that I talked to for like a long time, I wasn't interested in him,
not at all. However, I talked to him because when you talk to men, if there's another man
watching you in the place, they know that you're friendly and that you're easy to talk to.
Because you don't have a problem with holding a conversation with a man. They're looking at
you holding a conversation with a man and you look happy, you don't look afraid. And they're
like, oh, okay. And if he wants you, he's going to be waiting. As soon as you get away from him,
he's going to come over and talk to you. And so I do it just to work my muscles,
just to keep that flowing, to be able to have conversations that are loose in light.
And to make me look more approachable. So flirting is a simple way of creating
opportunities for connection. You want to hold on to that. It is a very simple way to create
opportunities for connection. And then I have this really good example here that Carla added
to the notes and it's called Leave the Baggage at the Gate. And the scenario that's given here,
if you guys were in the first session, I may not tell it exactly the way Carla did,
but she titled it Leave the Baggage at the Gate. And she talked about, have you let us ever,
when you pack up to go on a trip, let's say you're going on vacation and you pack everything,
you pack a backup outfit for the backup outfit, who does that? And when you're done, you say,
I'm going to take these few shoes. But then it's like, well, I need this shoe for this outfit and
this shoe for this outfit and this shoe for this outfit and this shoe for this outfit.
And then when you look up, you got all this stuff with you. When I go home to Mississippi,
my mama, she literally asked me, she's like, what are you here for three days? I tell y'all,
literally I will pack for like two weeks. I don't know why it keeps adding up. And I'd be saying,
but what if I want to change? And, but what if this, and, but what if that? And it's just like,
this don't even make sense. And I agree with her. It doesn't make sense. But something happens when
I start packing, I just keep going and keep going. And so, all of us, sometimes we carry
or pack a lot of baggage. And in discovery dating, we want you to leave it at the gate.
We don't want you to take it with you. We don't want you to take it with you to the dinner table.
We don't want you to take it to the coffee table with you and feel like you have to unpack it
and share all your jewels and all your treasures and everything that you have and every outfit
that you got and every way that you can do whatever you can do and how it all works out.
You don't have to bring every experience to the table with you. You're going to travel light.
And when you travel light, you have more light experiences. You don't show up with
much expectations because you're not bringing a whole lot with you. You're bringing the present
with you. P-R-E-S-E-N-T. Right here, right now. Not tomorrow. Not an outcome. Not yesterday.
Not the last experience you had. You're not bringing any of those things with you.
You're packing as light as possible. You're keeping you some very light, fun, surface-level
things to talk about. You're not showing up for a husband. You're showing up for a date.
You're showing up to have fun, and you're showing up to be a fun person to be around
so that even when you leave, you say, man, boy, was she fun. That was so much fun.
Okay? And sometimes I do this.
I ask myself, what experience do I want a person to have of me? Meaning what experience do I want
them to walk away with? What do I want them to think of me or the experience they had with me
when it's all said and done? And I want you to create what type of experience you want a person
to have of you because when you create that experience, when you write it down, you actually
reproduce that experience. You go in with your mind. And so my thing is in life, anybody who
meets me, a year from now, they say, I met a girl named Ebony, and she was amazing. I met a woman
named Ebony, and she was amazing. That is for every coworker that I meet, people that I meet
in ministry, people that I meet on the streets, even people that I date, like, man, I met.
And so that's why I'm very intentional with not ghosting. I'm intentional with expressing the
fullness of what I'm thinking. I'm being very clear and very kind, and I'm being bold about it
because I want them to know that somebody told them the truth. Somebody was up front with them.
Everybody doesn't do this. And when they look back, they're going to say, I appreciate that.
And so that's the experience I like people to have of me. I want them to have fun. I want them to
feel light when they're around me. And I want them to leave better than when they came. And
so write down, you know, let's just take a moment and do that.
What experience do you want people to have when they're with you?
You want them to feel seen and heard, okay?
That is a good experience.
Safe and be themselves.
Mm-hmm.
You know, one of the ways people can feel safe to be themselves, loose booty.
What is that?
I was into something else.
Okay.
Is that like if you don't make negative comments about people around you or a
waitress or have any negative things, people feel very safe around people who
don't make negative comments.
Like, oh, I wish they would come on.
Like, oh, why are you taking so long?
For some reason, when people do that, they don't look at you like you're being
negative, but it kind of is like, well, let me stay in line.
And it's a subconscious thing that happens.
They don't know that they're thinking it.
Feel like they made a connection, that they're valued, that they have fun and
felt at ease.
That's good.
That you carried them fully present and intentional in showing up with them.
That's so good.
One thing I started doing when I'm with people, period, I usually just
turn my phone over, but I like to keep it in my purse.
I don't even want it at the table because it's still a connection to that
phone when it's at the table and turned over.
So I intentionally keep it in my purse, whether they do it with theirs or not,
but I want to show up fully with nothing else distracting me.
That time you have is the time that I've given.
And so now you get it undivided time.
And so that if we do get an opportunity to grow together, then I can say, hey,
I prefer that when we're spending time together, that is undivided.
And I'm already given that experience.
Okay.
I want you ladies to remember that you don't have to answer every question when
you're getting to know a person.
One of the questions that was asked in the chat, I mean on the app, and I want
to say something about this.
Someone said like, hey, they watched a video and in the video,
well, let's just skip that part.
They wanted to know was it,
what do they say when a man asks them why they're not?
Like, why are you still on the market?
Why are you not with anybody?
And they were wanting to know, like, how do they address this question in me
and say it all the time?
All the time.
This is a normal language of men when you meet them on the dating app.
And part of it, I don't know if they know anything else to say,
but you say it back.
But you need an answer and you can write down your answer and you can use it
over and over and over again.
A lot of times we just don't have language for these things.
And so you don't have to be offended.
It doesn't have to be a rude thing.
They're just asking a question because they're looking at this beautiful woman
who on paper, it looks absolutely amazing.
So please tell me, how did I get an opportunity to talk to you?
Okay?
And so your response is, it can sound something like,
well, that's a really great question.
I ask myself that often.
How about you?
Now, and they could come back and say, okay, but really, why are you on here?
You can say, well, why haven't you met anyone?
Just say, I haven't met anyone and no one has met me where we align
on what we want.
You know, they haven't.
So instead, the reason why I add, I haven't met anyone and no one has
encountered me, that we agree, is because you don't want to, I don't like it
to sound like, I ain't met nobody good enough.
It could sound like that when we don't include the other person.
And so I usually say, I haven't had an experience with anyone where we agree
that we'll be the best match.
That sounds a little bit better.
I haven't experienced anyone where we agree that we will be best.
And then you can say, what about you?
If you'd like to ask it back.
Oh, I don't ask that.
I don't even really care, but you can ask it back.
And so it is good to hear what they have to say, right?
And so when you get that question, I don't want you ladies to feel nervous
anymore because I used to feel really nervous because I didn't have language
for it.
And I'm like, I don't know.
That why I'm on here.
I'm trying to meet somebody because sometimes the reason why they can feel
negative because it can sound like, yeah, something must really be wrong
with me and nobody's chosen me.
Do you, does that resonate?
Like that could bounce back to you.
Like, like I don't want to be on here.
You think I want to answer this question?
I don't even want to build this dating app and now here you ask.
why nobody wants me. I don't know why they don't want me, sir. I want somebody but don't nobody
want me. Like that's just kind of like all of that. You don't say those words, but that's kind
of in there, right? Oh good, Chris said yes, it resonates. And so that's your answer. And that
is the truth. You haven't experienced anyone where you guys agree on a future together.
Because had you experienced somebody where y'all agree on a future together, you will be married.
Sitting on the couch somewhere with your feet propped up.
Asking him why he ain't do what you want him to do. Mad, because you ain't know you ain't
signing for all this. Then what you're going to be somewhere saying, I ain't signing for all this.
And they're like, yeah, you signed up for it. All right, did what you said you wanted. All right.
So we want to always encourage you that this is, I'm trying to stick with this,
but God isn't asking you to become someone worth choosing. And I want you to hear that.
He really isn't asking you to become someone worth choosing. He's inviting you to let the
woman that he's already designed you to be, to become visible, right? He's inviting you to bring
that woman forth so that the world can see you in every sphere of influence that you have.
God is inviting you to come into a place with him where he equips you. He makes you whole.
He brings out beauty on the inside of the woman that looks in seasonal beauty.
You know, ladies, sometimes we believe that marriage is representation of beauty and it's not.
If I was more beautiful, I could be chosen. If I was just this type of woman, I will be chosen.
And that's just simply not true. I'm looking at all y'all beautiful women.
That's how I know it's not true because I'm like, oh, they beautiful. And you know,
and you know, so I know that's not where it is.
And that's just not where it's at. And marriage is not the sum total or the worth of you or the
value of you. It does not give you, it does not assign that to you. It's already in you.
And when we, thank you. And when we assign that to marriage, that's something that the
Lord has to get out of us because God forbid you go into a marriage with that, with that
perception or that idea, because then your husband becomes your idol. And when he stops choosing you
and he will, then what are you going to have left? And if your basis of worth is on the fact
that he chose you, you're going to have a really big problem. And we have been programmed that a
man choosing us for marriage is our worth and our value. And that's why we hold on to men that
don't treat us well. That's why we stay longer than we ever should have stayed. And we agreed
to things we never should have agreed to because our identity is tied to that thing. And the Lord
wants that. He needs you to release that. It's going to cause you more pain and grief.
And you've not yet to count the cost of the grief that it's going to bring to your life
and the destruction of your soul and your emotions. It costs you more than you want to pay,
but because it's your comfort, you don't want to let it go. And it costs you more to repair it
than you put in it. You imagine investing in something for a year and two years,
and it costs you 10 years to clean it up. These are real things.
There's a cost associated with scarcity. Scarcity is birthed out of fear that you're not, that you
won't get something. But the only reason you believe that something's not coming to you
because you don't believe you're worth it. It's always, it's mostly always related to some place
of identity. You may then give yourself that identity. Something spoke that identity to you.
And that's why we do the hard work to release those things. And even when they come back up,
because they come back up in dating, where else are they going to come back up at? Because that's
when you combat it. That's when you kick it out. You recognize it. And so I just want you ladies
to know that, that the goal is always you. And when statements like that are made that the goal
is always you, I want you to hear that and feel chosen above them all. Because the goal with the
Lord is always you. And that's the ultimate choosing right there. But culture and things
that we've learned don't reflect that in our heart.
Right so that we don't rejoice as much and says God choose me. It's like what he's always chosen me
He gave his son for me. I know he choose me
Just choose a husband for me Lord
They like this a real thing
But some but we don't see a lot of things come in their order because he's still choosing us
He still wants to work in some areas
There are things that gonna only happen in your singleness that don't get to happen in your season of marriage
There are things that he wants to produce out of you right now that when you cross over, that's another life
That's another where it's kind of like being a parent
I think I've talked to you ladies about this before there are things you can do before you get children and when you get children
It's time to be a mama and you got these dreams
You really do have these hopes
But you know if you're a mother those things have to sit on the back burner for the thing that's in front of you
Because that part of you is on retirement until you can get that child to a place and
then you can tap back into the dreams and hopes and sometimes people don't even go back and revisit them because they believe that the time
is fast and
For some things there are times that have passed if your dreams were to be a ballet dancer and you got pregnant and had a child
ballet dances ain't 47
Do you hear what I'm saying? Like there are some dreams. There are some dreams that are time-sensitive
They have an expiration they come in a season
there are things that have to be built on the inside of you an infrastructure to hold the promise and
When the infrastructure is not built you can't hold and house the promise
Therefore you don't enter it because you don't have the infrastructure for what this is the time for infrastructure
Dating for discovery is infrastructure time
Dating for a husband gets your heart broken
Why because you keep going in with the same hope in the same?
Expectation with a person you don't know and when they talk to you three days in a row you say they're being
Consistent when actually you've only known them for three days and they have not been consistent
You just talk to them for three days in order to measure consistency
You need at least a good four weeks
Then you can say they're consistent in something that you've noticed over four weeks
And so when we go into it and you refuse to give up your idea that this person I talk to everyone is he the
One is he the one cuz I don't have time for all this other stuff
I just need to know is he the one as soon as he check out the box soon as he says he's a believer
As soon as he says it so he says he loved God you throw all your caution to the wind and you stop observing
Because in your mind you believe what he said
He said and this is just what I've been looking for he checks all the boxes
Right, and so that's the danger of it. And what happens is you we long for certainty
That's one of the things that I challenge is challenging to balance in dating it's a skill of dating
certainty versus curiosity
Certainty brings our nervous system. Peace
and
So we're looking for it. We're trying to sniff it out. Give me certainty. Give me certainty. Give me certain to give me something
I can settle on and now let's get this ball rolling and you get certainty and you get the ball rolling
It usually rolls faster than you can keep up with and soon as it gets to the other side and hit the wall
Everything comes crumbling down and it cost you more than you wanted to pay and so
We
Remember flirting is a form of connection
Right
For flirting is a form of connection ladies. Um, yeah, and
You don't have to rush to answer every question. You don't have to rush for spiritual intimacy
You don't have to rush for emotional intimacy. You don't have to rush for physical intimacy
All of those three things
Oftentimes we get some ladies that I asked. What are those boundaries? What are those guardrails rails?
We want to guard physical intimacy spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy
because submitting ourselves to that boundary will guard our heart and
What could have been a blow-up when you walk away is only going to be a little sting
Kind of like when a wasp a wasp may sting your bumblebee stings you if they sting you it just hurts for a little while
Okay, great. Any questions about flirting any questions about anything? I just shared with you
any questions about
Any trouble with any of the things I just shared?
You find it incredibly challenging
Those questions are welcome now go ahead Rachel
You
I think for me, it's the certainty part, it's the struggle, yeah, and I'm wondering if it's,
I mean, I shared a little bit already with you, I'm wondering if it's just the constant
uncertainty of like childhood that, and I'm seeing that the certainty is also like a form
of control, so yeah, I think that's the part that can be difficult.
Certainty is difficult, it's one of the skills you have to balance in dating, it's not just
some people, it's most all people. Curiosity, being curious, it causes, it requires a level
of vulnerability, and it takes you just waiting, and you want to know, and after you have a certain
number of experiences, there's a part of you that's like, look, I don't really, I'm going
through all this with this person or whatever, but certainty is hard, it's not just for you,
certainty is hard for most all peoples. If I, certainty is hard for me,
certainty versus curiosity is challenging for me, and so because it's challenging for me,
I put things in place to help me, like I talk to more than one person, I limit how much I talk
on the phone to a person, I structure my time differently, I give them less access to me,
the more access you give to a person, the more certainty you're going to want,
because greater access means you're sharing more of yourself, and so those people enjoy
talking to them all the time, you have to realize that you're giving more access,
more access, more of your time, you're going to expect something in return, you're going to expect
some level of certainty, and so it's a balance, because when you first start talking to a person,
you enjoy getting to know them, and so you take that first weekend, you get phone wasted,
you enjoy that, and then the next week, start restructuring your time,
and you can clearly say, like, hey, we really enjoyed our first week, it was so much fun,
like binging, getting to know you, but I'm going to structure my time a little different this
weekend, moving forward, because I want to keep the pace well, so that we can get to know each
other, and at any point that either one of us needs to pull away, I want to make it a safe place to do
so, and that's clarity, and that's kindness, and that's what it is, and they call, say, yeah,
I saw you call, I want to chat with you, but I don't know if you remember, but I told you that
I was trying to pace things well, and so though I was tempted to answer for you, I had to go ahead
and pass up on that phone call, because I really want us to pace well, and you're a really likable
guy, and so I know you can see why I must do this. Yeah, see.
Anything else, Rachel, do you want me to give you some feedback, because your hand was already
up before that. I mean, we can start here, and then whatever you want to add later, you can.
Okay, one of the things that I was most concerned about, and one of the things that I'm most
concerned about, I wasn't sure if you understand the point about
understanding that you're not on a team with him, you're on a team with the Lord,
and I kept seeing a lot of language of we are going to decide, we are going to decide,
we are going to decide, we, we, we, we, we. There is no we. We cannot afford to allow,
and this is just general coaching, allow for, Mika, I'm so sorry. I'm back, Rachel,
don't be, please don't be offended with me. Mika, oh my goodness, it's like seeing a superstar.
What in the world? Okay. When you make we decisions, you are kind of almost at the mercy
of that person, and you believe that they're going to do what's best for you. No, you're going to do
what's best for you. Everybody has their own, their own motivation. Okay. And so I was concerned
about how much we, and I wanted to reiterate that part that there's not a we, and that as long as
you stay in we, you're not really evaluating what that person is saying to you because you still
believe that you're on a team with them. Now, it's going to require some grief for you to release
yourself from a we, but the things that were said already are very clear. But when you, because you
put yourself back in the we, it's like you're not remembering all those things. The part about
children, which was very clear.
then if that is a thing, and you are your age where you are,
of course you want children.
But they've made it very clear that that's not
what they desire, right?
And so we is putting you in jeopardy of seeing the picture
very clearly.
And it's your advantage to see what you're seeing
and make decisions that put you in a position
that a person will see that if they want you,
you also have a standard.
And there are also things that you're not
going to let fly by.
And then when somebody says that you're unwanted in any way,
I'm going to take your word until you find out
that you do want me.
Because it's a privilege to have me in your life.
We're not we until we say I do.
OK.
Right, and so there's a requirement,
there's a standard that you have.
And that is I'm walking with your all in.
And I'll do the dismissing.
Not in a prideful way, but I'll remove myself.
So that was just part of it, understanding
that if you will separate a lot of things,
you won't need as much clarity.
Because there's a lot of clarity that's already there.
But we is stopping you from seeing it.
Because as soon as he changes his answer, and now, oh, OK.
Then you jump over to that way, right?
But we can't forget everything that was already said.
When people say about how they feel or whatever they do,
that's still a real thing.
Even if they go back and regroup, that was said.
That was thought.
What is that about and where did it go?
Yeah.
And so there.
And so I'll respond.
How can I?
Is there any practical tips on how to?
I think the part I'm struggling most with is my heart.
I feel the pain.
I don't know how to.
I don't know how to deal with my heart.
I mean, besides praying, is there anything?
Yeah.
Praying always helps, and I don't mean to say that.
But there's a practical side, right?
The practical.
I need practical tips because it's really hard.
Yeah, you can't escape it.
It's going to hurt.
That's a part of dating.
That's a part of investing.
There's no way around it.
I wish I could give you a way around it, but it's not.
I don't like it either.
OK.
Yeah, you're going to.
Yeah, Roberta said it.
You're going to have to grieve that it's not happening like
you think or that you want it.
You really have to grieve if you're going to.
So this is a part.
When you if you step away completely,
you have to grieve what you hope to be.
Like there are parts that have to be grieved,
and you have to let your heart know,
let yourself know that these tears are just.
This sadness is justified.
It's a part of the process.
And you don't have a problem with allowing
yourself to feel the sadness.
And so you give your body permission to grieve.
Instead of suppressing it or telling it to go away,
just say, I know it hurts.
Let's just grieve.
But now, if you stay tight in that we part,
and it's hard for me to form an answer to share with you,
writing it down, if you stay with we,
this is just the beginning of the grief.
You're going to grieve more.
Because when you go with we, you're jumping on their time.
You're going along with whatever they say.
And when they let you down again,
and they will, because you are giving them the permission
to make decisions for you.
Yeah.
They can't make decisions.
Your power is going to come from you making a decision
and saying, I don't care how bad it hurt.
Your unsurety, you not being sure.
I'm not riding this train.
So let the chips fall where they may.
I'm going to take me a month sabbatical, 30 days.
And I know you need 30 days.
30 days will break some stuff.
I am telling you, 30 days breaks.
You come back stronger.
You have your senses about yourself.
You get grounded.
And then you start hearing what you didn't want to hear
because you were fighting it.
Because we keep saying, well, I'm going to ask this question.
I want clarity about this.
I'm going to ask this question.
I want clarity about this.
I'm going to ask this question.
I want clarity about this.
You have the clarity that you need.
But you're not allowing that truth to stand for you because you want to hold on to, you
want to salvage it over those things that you believe that we're going to be.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Are you, is that resonating with you?
What I'm saying, Rachel?
I think, I think, yeah, I think, I think it's the grieving of what I thought it would have
been.
Yeah.
It's nothing.
Yeah.
And it's okay to grieve it.
Sometimes like what I said to you, when you simply say to your body, you say, Hey, I know
this hurts.
Let's grieve it.
Like literally that those words come out of your mouth and you're going to cry and you've
given yourself permission to do it.
Yeah.
I'm giving you permission to hurt because this hurt and this is hard.
Let's just sit with this.
Realizing what you're experiencing helps you more than you know, because you can actually
wipe your eyes, wipe their tears and get up.
And then the next day when it comes again, you just sit back down and say, yeah, this
is tough.
Then you have to grieve not talking to the person every day.
You have to grieve not seeing them.
You have to grieve not planning dates.
You have to grieve not seeing the text message.
Like all of these different things, they are a real part of the story.
Yeah.
And you, you may not be completely there yet.
And so I will make some more, um, some comments, but thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm so sorry.
If I could express to you in words how much I don't like it, but I, uh, it's like that
when you have to grit your teeth, like, uh, yeah, I am.
I have a conversation tomorrow.
Um, I mean, I told you what I already sent yesterday, but I, but I think, I think it's,
I think my desire is to still keep the friendship.
That's my personal desire.
Um, I just don't know.
I think I need to grieve what I thought, you know, beyond the friendship, I think I need
to grieve and see what my heart can sustain, but I can't make that decision until I'm past
that part.
If that makes sense.
Yeah.
Um, like in the moment, this is what I desire, but beyond that, I don't know, I don't know
Um, like in the moment, this is what I desire, but maybe 30 days from now it might be like,
Oh no, I'm fine.
Like, I don't, I don't need that anymore.
You know what I mean?
Um, so I think it's standing in the in between of like, okay, this is what I want for me
personally.
But then in 30 days after I grieve and everything, it's like, Rachel is back and I'm like, okay,
I don't know.
Just come by.
Yeah.
Like, I just gotta keep going.
You know what I mean?
So yeah, I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think that the friendship is totally salvageable, um, but I wouldn't concern myself with it because
if the friendship can be there, it's going to be there.
You don't have to hold onto it.
It's gonna, it's gonna remain, um, what I was going to say to you is that, um, a lot
of the questions that you have, I know you feel like they're going to make you feel better
and you may, but I think they're completely unnecessary.
I believe that you have all the information that you need to make a decision.
But I understand when we feel like what we ask will give us closure and make us feel
better.
Um, and so if I were, I would encourage you to recollect what we talked about, what you
do know, and then look back at your questions and see if you're like trying to like grab
for some assurance, grab something that, that is not there to be grabbed for when you understand
you already have the answers because what he's saying is what he's saying.
And so I will re-evaluate a lot of your questions to see if you really do know the answer.
Yeah, and so the reason why I believe that your friendship is still can still be intact
is because it's not like you dated this person and now y'all saying, let's be friends.
No, that stuff don't work right there because as soon as you get a real, as soon as you
get a man, everybody will say, we're just going to be friends.
As soon as you get a man, you're going to cut him out.
You already know you're going to cut him out because you're using him for something else.
You're just holding on to, well, let's just be friends.
Come on now, come on people.
But with him, you could, when you, when you date your next person, you can easily say
to the person you're dating, I'm like, yeah, this is my friend.
We tried dating before, but it didn't work out.
And it's the true thing.
He was your friend many years before this.
And so you don't have to fight the hold on to it.
If their friendship is going to be there, it's going to be there.
And if it's gone, it's gone.
And so that's, that's okay.
You'll get a chance to grieve it, but don't grieve it right now.
Thank you, Ebony.
I'll wait for whatever else.
I'll wait for you, whatever else you have later.
Okay.
All right.
Sounds good.
Tiffany.
Hello.
Green is your color.
You look so pretty in green.
Thank you.
It is my favorite color.
So when you were talking about performance, that really kind of struck a nerve because
I'm in that place where it's like, I literally, so Chevello and I are still seeing each other.
And we had a conversation on Sunday and he was like, I really hope that you'll get to
a place where you don't have to try so hard.
That was not easy to hear because it is, I am completely comfortable in our relationship.
I know how he feels about me.
I know how he has been consistent over the last several months.
Like a lot of those things.
And when we're having normal days, things are super cool.
And I am just like, I feel very chill and just confident and very stable.
And I know it's not because of my relationship.
I know I'm good.
But when life happens and I'm busy or he's busy or whatever the case may be, and maybe
we're not having communication or whatever, and it's not a problem, but there's a little
bit of silence or a little bit of whatever, whatever it is, space, even though it's not
like a bad space.
I am seeing myself almost trying to manufacture the connection.
I am finding reasons to text him stupid stuff and he's being gracious and will respond.
But after a little bit of it, it's like, we both know this isn't intentional.
This is just, and I feel it.
I feel it in myself and I know that's what I'm doing.
And so today I know that he's been hit with a whole lot of life stuff.
And so he has been a little less communicative.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I muted you.
I was trying to meet somebody else if I didn't realize I was going to meet you too.
Wait.
Okay.
Is that about it?
A whole lot of life stuff.
Sorry.
He's been hit with a whole lot of life stuff.
So today he was a little more quiet than normal.
I was busy.
So shouldn't have been a problem, but I kept finding myself going, okay, I'm not that person.
I'm not that way.
So what the heck is this?
And I know some of it is, some of this is still like the Lord is still helping me reprogram
and I'm seeing a ton of growth.
Today was the first day.
It was really encouraging because I could see like, oh, I made it almost all day without
starting to feel the unravel.
But then I started feeling it.
What the heck?
What day or week are y'all on in this relationship?
Next Sunday will be three and a half months.
So I say that.
I, and I don't know if you remember from our one-on-one a while back, we are,
we have kind of, we, we ran and went way too fast.
And so we're in this process of like, we didn't have the infrastructure
to handle where we were.
And so we're in that kind of rebuilding foundation.
And so we're still, we're still fully committed.
We're still all of those things.
We are exclusive, but it's, and that's part of it too, is this trusting,
trusting God's rebuilding that foundation.
And that, if I'm really brutally honest, that sucks.
I don't like this part because I feel like we're at three.
We're at three and a half months.
And I, I thought it would look different.
I wanted it to look different.
And we're both feeling it, but we also know, like, we haven't introduced each
other to family or friends and that's hard.
That's been really hard.
And I've told him like, I want to be a part of your world.
I want you to feel like you're a part of mine.
But at the same time, it's also, we're still trying to, his schedule is, is just
a lot, and I knew that going in, but I guess I didn't realize how much of an
effect, like we don't have normal dating time, like it would normally look because
of him working in school and another job also, and so we're still building that
foundation and I get it, but it's still.
It just looks very different.
No, I want you to finish this statement.
It's still not, it's painful.
Yeah.
It sounds like it's not enough for you.
It feels like it.
But I don't know, like, do I need, like, is that wrong to say that?
No, it's not wrong to say that.
What's happening is you believe that some parts, you're believing that
these triggers are coming from you.
I wouldn't call it a trigger, but this desire for this closeness and that
you're operating out of anxiousness, but you're not, you need more connection.
And so when you keep telling yourself, but I understand, but I understand,
but I understand, logically you understand, but emotionally to build
a relationship, you need more connection.
Yes, you understand he has schools.
Yes, you understand he has this.
Yes, you understand he has that, but y'all also need time.
And so right now you're holding on to a text message and a phone call, right?
Right.
We see each other about once a week.
So, I mean, it's not like we're not seeing each other, but it's, it's a couple of
hours it's, and I mean, I don't know.
Is that enough?
Cause I want more.
I mean, I'm just going to be honest.
Like I want more, right.
And we talk like, it's this weird thing of like, we have times where it's like,
we're talking a lot for many days in a row.
And then it's like, it's almost like we've gone too much.
And it's like, Oh my gosh, have you ever talked to somebody so much?
And you're like, okay, I need to breathe for a minute.
That's we've kind of been in that cycle where we do that to each other.
And the nice part is we kind of get there together without even saying it.
And we both kind of take a breath, but then it's like that cycle
is weird, but I feel it.
I need that breath because I've pushed too far.
He's, you know, we're like, we've just gone.
We just talk so much and that's, I want the connection.
So why is that?
thing. Is he avoided? Do you feel like you fit into his world on his time?
That you're always available but it's his time so you fit in his world on his time.
Yes. Whenever we have to fit into a person's world on their time we're going to always feel
like we're reaching and the time that we get is never enough because everything is about their
time and their rules and their world and you're just trying to find a place to fit.
And so it leaves you in a constant state of a deficit even though like I know we talked
and it was so good. It was so good but it just seems like it's not enough. That's because you're
having to fit into their world and their schedule. It's not freedom and open. It's when they have
time. We're always working around your schedule, your schedule, your schedule. Is that a thing?
Yes and then no which sounds weird because then there's times where like every moment that he has
even if it's five minutes like he's making the effort to call to make that connection but it's
like that for a minute and then it's like this pullback for several days and then it's like
all in again and so it's like I don't know how to regulate to that like I don't know how to.
Okay so how long is this kind of schedule going to be? Just until the end of August. Okay you're
in July and you're gonna have to tough it out until the end of August and let's see what the
structure is going to be like. You can make a decision and you're not going to walk away because
you believe he doesn't have time for a relationship. That's the only other option. He doesn't have time
for a relationship or he's not giving you enough or showing up the way that you want to. You have
the right to walk away because of that. Whatever you believe but but but you still have a right
to say this is not enough for me. Okay okay so if you're not going to walk away and then you're
going to have to ride this out until the end of August and see what a structured relationship
would look like for you all. If you're willing to accept this is where he is and this is what's
happening because what you're saying what I'm hearing you say is this not enough.
I feel like it is and it isn't which is no matter how you feel what you're telling me is not enough.
So you may be going back and forth but I'm not going back and forth because I hear you.
It's not the design you had in mind. It's not the setup you had in mind and because it's not any of
those things it's not enough. It's not your expectation. It's not what you desired.
I don't know what your desire is. Maybe you can write down what your desire is like I desire
a relationship where I call you when I get off check on you for the day it could be just a few
minutes and then hey we chat a little bit we get together later this week and go to dinner.
You may say well we already do that but clearly it's not what your expectation is.
Unless you are unless you want to be in his skin.
That's a real thing like if you have the propensity to be that
highly anxious but I don't know that I don't believe that's what's happening.
But the more the less access you have to a person it will literally cause you to be even more
anxious. So like that's the thing like you could be wanting more like it could make you operate
more and more anxiously when you don't have that full access. I do want to say this um
What was I going to say? I really um you know to rebuild a relationship you say you know well
and God's doing it this way. Listen that's not a okay.
Just say it. If you're rebuilding it's not a God thing. You're rebuilding and you need a strategy
and a plan and I don't hear a strategy and a plan for rebuilding. So that means you're just winging
it. So it doesn't mean that you slow down your pacing which is good but if we're going back
I think you lack strategy. You don't see the end the outcome. What is this unto?
Yeah you see what I'm saying? Relationships are marriages are institutions. Relationships
are interstitial. They have structure.
they, they, they, you have skills at play.
Things are happening.
Like a skill is a communication skill, right?
Like there are things that you're putting in place
to restore something.
And if God is the one doing it,
then you need a strategy from God.
Lord, what are you doing?
Okay, we're slowing down.
Then what does that look like?
And maybe if you wrote out a plan
and he agreed to the plan,
you will feel safer in this process.
And you will actually feel like it's enough
or your needs are being met
because you actually created a plan
that's gonna produce an outcome.
Y'all are headed somewhere.
I'm not understanding why y'all haven't been introduced
to each other families.
What does it have to do with going back
to rebuild some things?
What is that about?
Now, some things are off because you,
you went exclusive way too early.
Mm-hmm.
You outpaced yourself.
Y'all didn't have the infrastructure for this.
Well, that's done.
You've done it, right?
I'm just not like a beat you up for it.
I'm just saying like,
there are things that are contributing
to what you're experiencing.
It's when we don't recognize those things,
we feel like, well, what's the problem?
What's the problem?
You stay in a constant state of confusion.
That's what I'm saying to you.
And so-
Like we were at that place
where our next step was introducing each other.
We were there, like we were knocking at the door.
And then he unexpectedly got temporary custody
of this 15-year-old daughter
that he had actually years ago signed his rights away to,
but the mom got on drugs.
It was a whole thing.
And so his whole world got turned upside down
and he got this 15-year-old girl and I couldn't be around.
And so that was about three weeks and it halted everything.
And so since, and there's still like,
it's not for sure done yet.
She's trying to be back with her mom if the mom does well.
And so we're kind of in limbo
and we're being able to enjoy time.
But when she's there because of the whole state thing,
I can't be around.
And so that's what, we would have already hit that point,
but it was right at the time that that happened
and it just turned everything upside down.
Okay, are y'all dating in community?
No.
Okay, y'all are going out on dates.
Go with someone that you know.
Go on a double date.
What's that about?
Where are y'all going on dates to?
Right, right.
I want you to ask me that, Ebony.
I mean, because it's after work.
And so it's like a 9.30 at night
and I'm going over there for a late dinner.
That's honest.
That's ugly honesty.
Well, so where's the daughter?
Right now she's with the mom.
We're waiting to find out if the mom stays good
to be able to keep her full time again.
So. Okay.
So let's find a couple that you know that's available
and ask them to go through the week with you
on a date night.
Ask them, would they be interested in doing a date night?
Do you know anyone?
I probably know someone.
His schedule is that he works at night till 9.30.
And so how do you, I mean,
where do you go to dinner at 9.30?
I don't care if you go to the Waffle House.
The problem is no community is being invited.
Yeah, go to dessert.
No community is being invited in.
You have an issue.
You're having to adjust to his schedule.
Well then his schedule has to lean into something else too.
This is part of this dynamic
that you feel like you're not getting enough.
Everything in your world is bending to him.
Yes.
That's a problem.
And you say, how do I fix it?
You fix it by determining how you,
by advocating and saying, look,
I realized that this is what's happening
and this is not working.
It's causing these feelings to happen on the inside of me.
I'm not getting enough.
This is not his world
and you're just trying to fit into it.
You guys are in a relationship
and so his world has to bend in some way.
Y'all can find somewhere to do this thing.
And so if he gets out of work at 9.30
and y'all is just going for a date night,
okay, meet me at the ice cream parlor.
Meet me somewhere where people are.
You know why?
You want to meet people because you feel like the world don't see you because when you do go with him for one two hours
Through the week you're over at his house club with the door closed
Nobody knows that you all exist except for you and him
You know in this frame of things I'm sure you got friends that know you all on whatever right
And
So 930 is late. I don't know if you have any friends
Maybe you have a single friend that can show up and hang out with you all
But I'm just trying to find a way to get your wheels to turn it on how you can bring some community around
Because maybe you can't be around his daughter that's fine. What is he doing on Saturday and Sunday?
working
Until what time?
It just varies the both of those that it varies
Can you go to church together Karen says
So I have suggested that a couple of times and we haven't really it hasn't gone anywhere
and so that's another question like I
Feel like in some places like phone calls and stuff like that
He's very like really great about showing up
but then when I'm asking about going to church or I'm asking about this or that then I feel like I'm getting less of a
Mm-hmm. And so why does he go to church?
He does go to church
Why y'all don't go team I
Don't know you do know
If
You don't know
You know
It doesn't matter if it sounds bad, it's okay
He just hasn't seemed willing. I
Know you XY
He
Goes to his parents church on some weekends, which is Spanish. So that's a no-go for this girl
The other weekends I don't
he always has some excuse or something or it's work or
How often does he go to church?
I
Usually every week
Okay. Well you go on it sometimes
Sometimes it is like he goes to work and straight to church
Care like I would be fine with me
Babe I will be right at this Spanish church. Send that to me. Amen
Why can't you go to this you ain't got to know what they say trust the spirit
Huh? No, I can I just that I think he would yeah
What I think he'd be like, no Tiffany, you don't have to do that. Oh
No, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, Tiffany. Did you hear what you just said to me?
What you mean? You don't have to do that. What is that language about?
Now I feel like you holding out on me even at this point because something's happening
Why can't you go to church with him? I
Feel like if I push not push
I
Feel like I get told
That I'm pushing a lot. So like if I said, hey, I'll be I'm willing to go to your parents
Spanish church and he's like, I'm willing to go to your parents
I don't even understand. How are you gonna understand?
And I come back with something else like and I hear you Karen
Fuck the galley can't carry this thing. It wastes no punches. They ain't full excuse
I don't know Tiffany full excuse or he full excuse. I don't know who making the excuses around here because I'm like my word
so if I say that and he says
I don't even understand half the time because it's a small church so they don't have a translator
And he's like so no, you don't need to go if I come back and be like
But I want to be there. I want us to have a chance to go together
it's
Because I have pushed in some other ways in like forcing that connection
I feel like he views everything is like i'm trying to overthink things and i'm trying to make it happen
And so when that's not it, I understand him thinking that in some places. I honestly do because I have
But now I feel like we're
and this weird everything is categorized
as I'm overthinking or I'm.
Tiffany.
Yes.
Is he telling you that,
is he telling you that he doesn't want connection with you?
I'm not talking about in words.
I want you to tell me what his behavior is speaking to you.
Is he rejecting connection?
It's what it feels like.
Okay, well, I need you to come to terms with it
because there are two people in this relationship
and he may be texting, but listen,
you're in a marriage minded relationship
and this does not lend itself to that.
When does he wanna be married?
After he graduates in December, he wants to get engaged
and then married not too long after that.
And you want to be married to someone who operates this way?
There's so many parts that I love about him,
but it's this and it's, I'm trying to be honest with you.
I'm trying to be understanding.
That's the thing.
How do I be understanding of all that he's got going on
and how do I be like, I need more?
How do I know when I'm asking too much?
Well, there has to be, Tiffany, okay.
There has to be, Tiffany, okay.
What you're gonna have to do is
you're gonna have to tell him,
you're gonna have to say what you want.
You just have to figure it out
and that men have really, they know how to figure it out.
And I think that in some ways,
I don't know if you coddle him
when you have conversations with him
or you keep trying to prove that you really do understand.
You don't have to prove that you understand.
You don't have to say, I'm trying to understand.
That is irrelevant.
You do understand.
So I understand that you have a lot going on.
It is my desire that we spend more time around others
and that we connect in a way that I feel connected.
I want you to come up with some ideas
on how you feel connected
that you're gonna present to him.
That you understand that's within his ability
to give it to you.
When you share with him what you need,
he has a responsibility or opportunity to respond to you.
Then there needs to be something that happens
so you can stop pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing
to make it happen.
Because I believe you know that if he doesn't connect
with you, that you're waning away.
Like there's no way to stay.
You're not gonna be able to hold on to this
without connection.
Yeah.
And I think that's why it's eating you up on the inside.
You know his schedule, you know his abilities.
When you say, I wanna go to church with you,
you're not saying you wanna go to church
with him to tag along with him.
What you're saying is we, I want us in community.
I want us to be recognized as a couple.
I want somebody else in on our life.
One of the ways that I see that happen
is you go to a Spanish church with your parents.
I want to meet your parents.
The fact that you have to push to meet his parents,
that he's not wanting to introduce you to them.
I wouldn't push for that anymore.
I want you to think about the fact that he,
what reason why he hasn't introduced,
why hasn't he introduced you to his parents?
That's a question you need to ask yourself.
He says it's because of us still like
building our own foundation.
Also what he's saying to you that he's not ready
to introduce you to them yet because he's not sure of you.
He's not sure of us.
I think you know that's what he's saying to you.
What else would he be saying?
Build what foundation?
The foundation that we're going to be together
and I'm not ready to introduce you to anyone
till it's for sure that we're going to be together.
Does that sound like what he's saying?
What foundation?
When we talk about foundation,
he's talking about like time for us to go have
like the normal dates.
the spending time together, we haven't had a ton of normal dates.
But Tiffany, what does that have to do with if he's with you and y'all are moving forward,
y'all went exclusive, you're both marriage minded, what does that have to do with him
introducing you to people that are important to him? They have nothing to do with normal dates.
Also, when you get to go on normal dates, and now I'm going to introduce you to my parents,
that sounds dumb when you say it like that. It's gonna sound dumb when I heard it. I can't put
it together. I'm trying to ask you. I think I have taken some things and just not wanted to push
and not wanted to. I think I have coddled him. I think I have not wanted to push for further,
because I'm almost not scared of the answer, but I don't want to hear the answer if
it's what I don't want to hear.
Well, Tiffany, I want you to get real straight on what you're fighting for.
And so your homework is to write down what you're actually fighting for.
I want you to write down heaven's best for you, what you believe heaven's best for you is. And
I want you to write down for what you're fighting. And Cesar, right? Is it Cesar, Cesar?
What's his name?
Chevello.
Sorry, Chevello. I don't want you to put them side by side,
but he's like, I like so many things about him. What is those so many things you like about him?
The way that I feel like I can absolutely be myself.
The way that I feel like he allows me to be just completely free.
Okay.
The way that-
You mean, talking about when he tells you you're doing too much?
You're not free.
No.
The free as far as like,
my, the way that I express myself and the way that I think through things. And whereas that
has been too much for others in the past, like, he loves that and encourages that in me.
And I'm not having to dial myself down for that. Does that make sense?
That makes sense that he lets you talk.
When you say it like that, Ebony, you take the pretty out of it.
Well, because you're sharing yourself with him, but he gives you no response.
So he lets you talk. He lets you talk things out and you like having that space. There's
nothing wrong with it. I'm not against Chevello. I hope I didn't say his name.
Chevello.
Thank y'all. Chevello. I'm not against Chevello. I really want you to put,
I want you to determine heaven's best for you. And I want you to look at what's happened with
Chevello. And then once you do that, I want you to post it so we can look at it. And then we've
got to come up with a strategy on how we're going to bring more balance to this relationship,
even in his business. We have until August when these things are over with, but let's put some
infrastructure to what we have going on. Don't be afraid to face the music, Tiffany.
When we don't face facts or the music or what's actually happening, we will sugar coat stuff.
We will cover it up. We won't come like, I don't want to face that answer. Face it all
because that's how you're going to get to where you want to be in a relationship.
You don't get there by letting scarcity take over and you believe because you're going to
lose something so good. No, no, no, no, no. Lay it out on the table. Prove it to yourself that
what you have can withstand it. If you believe so much in it, he's so great. They're so great.
All of this is so great. Then you need to prove that it's great enough to hold up Tiffany's
request. Hold up what Tiffany needs, but you got to get it out. You got to be true to yourself
so that when he tells you or you think, well, he does do this. So I guess I
I'm going to say that what he does do this.
So I guess I'm going to say that what he does do this.
I guess I want to say, I've been there.
It's not just you.
This is a real thing.
So just because he does do one thing,
it doesn't cancel out the thing that you need.
Like, OK, yeah, he do it.
Oh, well, he does what's easy for him.
Tiffany, it's easy to listen to you talk.
It's easy to text you.
It's easy for you to show up at his house at 930
when he get out of work and eat with him.
Those are easy things to do.
What does he do in this relationship that cost him?
Because it's costing you everything.
In the beginning, he was doing everything that cost.
I know they all make the pick.
I mean, let me just say that.
Yeah.
That's why we love you, Ebony.
Bad coaching moment.
I'm sorry.
Not bad coaching.
We work on my words.
Go ahead.
In the beginning, in the beginning was the word.
Go ahead.
Just tell me about the beginning.
In the beginning, he was doing it all.
And he was always coming to me, because we
live 45 minutes apart.
So he was always doing that.
But then when it shifted, when I started going over there
to dinner, then it became, oh, this is easy.
He didn't say that.
The way I received it, the way I see it now is, oh, this is easy.
Just come over here.
But I'm the one.
I do feel like I'm the one doing the work.
Yeah.
Let's stop this showing up at 930 at night
when he gets out of work to go have dinner with him.
Let's find a more valuable time for you all to hang out.
Because if you stop going over at 930 at night to have dinner,
you may actually see what a Sunday morning together
going to a church looks like and going to have lunch.
Even if you have to wait, it's not once a week,
but it's every two weeks that y'all get to go somewhere
and have normality in your relationship.
I don't believe you enjoy going to his house at 930 at night.
Don't you have to go to work the next day?
You're driving 45 minutes to fit into his schedule yet again.
These are the things that are making
you feel very uncomfortable.
Your nervous system is alerted, as it should be.
And so the plan is, I want you to write down
what you believe is heaven's best.
I want you to think about the woman that you are.
And I don't even want you to get into what do you deserve.
I'm concerned that what you deserve is a little bit off,
because we will.
It's not about what we deserve.
Sometimes we don't even give ourselves what we deserve,
because God has a higher order for us
than we have for ourselves.
We'll take crumbs, right?
And so I want you to write down whatever I said on one side.
I forgot.
And then on the other side, I want
you to write down these things that you enjoy about him.
And let's just see how these things fit.
And then let's come up with strategy
on how you guys can have a more balanced relationship
that you could feel safe in.
OK.
How does that sound?
Sounds good.
OK.
And I want another thing.
I want you also, I want you to create a little subheading that
says excuses.
And I want you to be completely honest with yourself about him
and write down every excuse he's made
and every excuse you've made and the truth
that those excuses are covering.
Because you are not wrong.
We know within ourselves when we're not getting the very best.
And allow yourself to be free with this activity,
free from the fear of losing him.
If you've accepted bare minimum, he ain't going nowhere.
Right?
You're not losing anything.
I need you to get rid of losing.
Right now, you're evaluating this relationship
for what it is.
And then I'm going to help you.
And then we're going to come up with a plan
to get this more balanced for you.
OK.
Yeah.
Thank you for showing up.
up and being honest I've been looking for you. You've been hiding. Yeah, I thought I was gonna
have to come to temple, maybe see you in bookies or something. Thank you, Ebony. Thank you. You're
welcome. All right. I'll be looking for a post soon here now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.
Is your heart okay? Did you feel offended in any way? Hurt in any way? Did I say anything
or laugh at anything that was really sensitive? No, I actually feel very safe and I feel like
this is the stuff I didn't, this is why I've been hiding because I didn't want to have to
look at this but I know that my, I feel like myself has been saying you are worth looking at this.
Mm-hmm. So I actually appreciate you challenging me in this way.
Good, good. You're so brave and everybody's saying the same thing, you really are.
You have a very, you're vulnerable even when you don't want to be. You look at me like,
don't ask me, don't ask me, don't ask me, don't ask me, you know I can't lie, don't ask me.
Yeah, yeah. And then you ask me. Thank God for the Holy Spirit. All right.
Um Mika, did you have a question?
Yes, I just thought it was so late. I know it's late ladies, you do not have a responsibility
to stay online but I haven't met Mika in a while and so you are free to go but go ahead Mika.
Okay, so there's a, there is a guy that I met on Holy and we had so much in common via text,
it was like almost scary, like same birthday month and everything and our text flows.
But I noticed like when we were getting, speaking by conversation,
it started, ended up being a situation where I was kind of leading a little bit
and I used your idea with the table topics and I'm trying to like not write him off but my question
is, I feel like our conversation is missing something but then there's another part of me
is saying maybe it's not missing something, maybe the relationships that I've been in the past
weren't healthy because how's that been going for me, right? Like, I mean, so I'm like,
I'm trying to give it a chance because I actually just moved to another state.
This man is willing to like, he's already, he's talking the talk, like you were telling her,
like in the beginning they talk a talk, we're supposed to be going on our first date next
Thursday and I'm the one with the crazy schedule because I'm starting a ministry school in September
and I told him like I'm, yeah. What's the ministry school? Global, Global School of Supernatural
Ministry. Okay, who's over there? Randy Clark, yeah. Yes, I'm so excited for you.
Me too, I'm excited too. Yeah, there's like so many different things but yeah.
Yeah, there's the opportunity of a life, oh my goodness. So he's not, but here's the crazy part,
he's non-denominational though, he's non-denominational. So he said he used to go
to a charismatic church and I was trying to explain to him, I'm like, you have to understand,
like I like the fire, I like the fire, I'm not gonna get watered down. He's like, no,
I understand, I understand but like I want to just hear more of your take on that, like in terms of,
like I also don't want to feel like I'm gonna be always the one, I mean, I'm just,
we've just been talking for maybe about two weeks by phone consistently. He's consistent
with the phones, he's consistent with the texts, he's actually, it's actually more than me,
which I love. It's usually, sometimes I feel like recently it's been me chasing the person
but now it's like me being mindful that he's pursuing and he's like, all I have to do is just
say the word and he retires next year. He's like, well, I retire next year so I can kind of go
anywhere and I'm like, oh, okay. So I guess I don't want to, my, I guess my challenge is,
I know you asked me, what is your question? Like, I don't want to sabotage it
because I can ask questions. You think I should just keep, when we have the dinner,
if conversation doesn't flow, do you think I should do the topic question or is that a flag
if we can't just have regular conversations? Like, because, yeah, so I'm kind of all over
the place, but I'm also excited I'm going on a date because it's been a long time.
And I was like, I was like, you don't have to go out. Just, I'm like, I'm easy. I mean,
you know, I was like, not easy, but I was just like, I'm not picky. Like, I just,
I'm just looking forward to getting to know you in person, you know? And he was like, oh no,
I know we're going to do something really nice.
And he's a little bit older.
So there's a slight age gap.
He's fifty five. I'm forty three.
And I explain we probably shouldn't have shared this,
but I shouldn't have shared it, probably.
But he's never had kids.
He's never been married.
He's he's this is he's a music teacher for middle school kids.
And so this is going to be he's saying this is going to be his last year.
He's yes.
Like I said, he's going to retire next year.
And he's like, so I have a lot of time
and we have like a lot of commonplace, like where we where I grew up
is like where he he graduated from, like this college isn't too far.
So there's a lot of different different pieces.
But I'm trying to figure out like.
If there's a lot of silence
and he's not asking me a lot of questions.
Like, I guess I feel like that's going to be a hiccup when we meet in person
because it's coming up already by phone.
And I don't want to seem like I'm too doing too much either.
Yeah, I was like I was starting to feel like I'm like,
why am I feeling the silence last night?
I'm like, oh, let me get these cards for a short table topics.
Yeah. So it sounds like you're uncomfortable with silence.
Do you know why you're uncomfortable with silence?
I think he's uncomfortable with it, too.
He's like, maybe I should ask you some question.
He's like, I'm going to I have some questions for you, but no, I am uncomfortable
with it because I think I think the idea is that I'm afraid.
I guess I'm afraid that it's not going to.
That he's going to get bored, that we're going to get bored of each other.
I feel like there has to be something, you know,
that we're going to get bored of each other.
I feel like there has to be something.
Yeah, that's definitely a problem because I don't need excitement.
I need stability. We need stability in this life here.
No excitement. No more excitement.
He travels, but. So being uncomfortable with silence,
somebody said they're definitely uncomfortable with silence.
You've assigned be you've assigned lack of words to something.
That that means if somebody's not talking, it means something.
Well, listen, it means nothing. It means y'all ran out of words to say.
And you know, he's not interested that he's not that we're not really.
Yeah, him asking you questions about you.
You believe that if someone actually lots of questions about you,
that means they're interested in you.
Men are not like women. Me because they're not.
And him asking you a ton of questions doesn't mean he's interested in you
and he may not be the best conversationalist and that's okay.
So what do we do for for now?
Right? He's not a girl. He's not sound like much.
Right. You're not chatting. You're going to enjoy each other.
You're going to enjoy each other and be present.
And then when it gets quiet, you're going to say come in.
It's like man, it's quiet and it's awkward,
but I'm going to learn how to sit in silence
and I don't want you to feel pressure to have a conversation.
Let's see how long we can sit here before one of us breaks
and then you don't say that to him.
Say that out loud. The truth into the into the conversation.
This is not a show. You're two people showing up
and it's okay to be silent and it's okay for you to say,
okay, here's the silence. I'm going to practice not saying anything.
I'm just going to be present. Trust the process.
Trust an organic out unfolding of getting to know each other.
No, it doesn't mean that something's wrong or something's not right.
If he never asked you anything, if he shows up,
he wants to know you. Men are much better observers than women.
We feel like if we talk, we get you to say what you want,
where you're going, what we're doing,
and then we say, but you say it and you say it and you say it
and you say it and you say it. Men are better at observation
because they don't have a lot of words.
They put stuff in certain boxes, right?
And so, you know, one thing we talked about here
on last Tuesday was partnership versus outcome.
Your responsibility is to partner with the process.
God's responsibility is the outcome.
And you want to guarantee a particular outcome and you can't do that.
It's not a red flag or any type of flag
because somebody doesn't have something to talk about.
It just means they don't have anything to talk about.
It doesn't mean that they don't like you. It doesn't even mean that they're boring.
It just means they don't have anything to talk about.
Right, we haven't done anything together.
We don't have, we don't know each other.
Right, we don't know each other, so you're going to create experiences.
When you go out, you're going to go bold.
you're going to do fun things, you're going to pick things that help you see their personality,
you're going to be strategic about things. Right.
We love you. Good night, Roberta. And so I just want you to know that you're not responsible
for the outcome. You're only responsible to partner and show up. And you're not partnering
with him. You're partnering with the God of your love story. And you're trying to learn about you,
how you show up. Why are you uncomfortable with silence? And they can even... How often do you
sit in silence with the Lord? If you're always in your mouth, then you're not developing intimacy
with the Lord. Because intimacy comes in quiet moments, just sitting, sitting with your father.
Why do you have so many words? What you got to talk about all the time, Mika?
No, I help people. I help people figure stuff out.
What is talking doing for you? What is it fulfilling in you? What does it mean to you?
You may say, well, it means we're going somewhere. It means this. I don't know, but
figure that out about you instead of believing that it's somebody, like it's something wrong
with them if they don't show up that way. Why do I want to talk all the time?
I think it's the work environment thing. You're constantly... There is an expectation
in certain environments, even in church and work, or even with family to interact with others.
And I know my mom wasn't good at that. She hasn't really been... She used to be good at it,
but as she got older, she kind of got away from it. So I think there's a good question. I think
there's a part of me that I don't want to become like that. So she became so introverted. She
basically lost all of her... She had a beautiful community when we were growing up. And she kind
of lost it because when some hurtful things happened, she kind of turned inward. And so,
I think I've been... I try to be purposeful and conscious. Anytime I'm in a situation where I
don't know people, get to know people, talk to them, engage them. But now it's not really
translating over in my dating situation. Yeah, like you were saying, it's off. It's not the
same. It's a different thing. I'm not networking. Yeah, there's a really good truth to get to the
bottom of because the truth is, Mika, you're not your mom. You're not going to be like your mom.
You're giving your own personality. And it's a beautiful personality. And that personality is
seeing whether words are coming out of your mouth or not. That's helpful. That's helpful. Thank you.
That's helpful. Yeah, you're welcome. And so write that down. Deal with it. It's not a flag.
Enjoy this guy, even if it's in silence. And say it when it's silent. This is weird for me,
but I want to learn to sit in silence. So I'm practicing with you right now. Let's see how
long I could go. Make a joke out of it. You can bring table discussions or table topics, things
to discuss at the table. But I need you to know that you don't have to always fill the space
with words. Another thing that will be helpful for you, because you are on an active journey
with the Lord, start practicing how to sit in silence with the Lord. I'm going to write that
down. Start with 10 minutes sitting there. It's going to take you a while to wrestle your brain
back because it's going to go 400 different ways. And it may do it for months on end
until you get trained to sit in silence, not always talking.
Transference happens in silence with you in the spirit realm. The transference happens.
The more you learn to be quiet with the Lord, you're going to learn how to be more quiet in life.
More still. When I say quiet, it's not about shutting your mouth. It's about the stillness
and your safety in stillness. I love that.
Your safety in stillness. You want to feel safe with it. Right now, you don't feel safe when
somebody's not talking because you feel like something's going on. It extends from what
happened with your mom. You can definitely take a look at that, but let this be your practice.
Okay, I'm about to practice with this guy. And then when y'all were talking on the phone and
you don't have anything else, say, well, I ran out of words for now. It's okay.
Good to come to the end. Let's chat another time. I like that.
The abundance of your words don't... I don't know. I know it's hard for us to believe as ladies.
We believe the more we talk, the more we know, the better decision we can make, but it's not true.
The more you observe, the more you know and observe.
takes time. The more you talk, the more you know helps you create a false sense of certainty.
Certainty puts you in a position of missing things and causing a little more pain, making
quick decisions, not seeing things, taking your time, you know, all of those things.
And he's doing this Bible study and I think he's trying to hint that he wants to study Bible together.
I kind of touched when I was like, I don't want to, you know, get to know you spiritually and not really get to know who you are.
And he said he's done that before, too. So how's the what's the time frame when you start talking about like more spiritual things, like if we're really on the same page?
Yeah, well, y'all go exclusive at the minimum of 60 days, 90 days, definitely.
So six is a minimum. So Jackie says she teaches in her book dating club.
The first month is for data. The second month is for.
Yeah, first month is for gathering data. The second month is for determining.
I don't forget. I already must be too late. Oh, goodness. Who knows it? Who's in a book club and knows? But their response.
The first month is for data. The second month is for data. The second month is kind of like for evaluation to see if y'all would be a good fit.
And in the third month, you're coming up on the 90 days and you get to make a decision.
If you want to move forward with that person and so you're just in the first stages of collecting data, when you do spiritual Bible study, reading and stuff like that, when you go exclusive.
Thank you. That's super helpful.
I wouldn't suggest it, but, you know, if you go go exclusive next week, I wouldn't tell you to start talking spiritual talk.
Right. That's out. That's out of order. So what I'm saying is go exclusive at a minimum at day 60, but for wonderful results at day 90, there's three months.
I mean, you can have wonderful results at 62, but just a minimum of 60 days.
Give yourself at least two months to evaluate things. And once you go exclusive, then you can start like studying the Bible together if you want.
That's helpful. That's how because he's already he keeps dropping multiple hints like I want us to grow in the word together.
Oh, my goodness. And I want you to get a little bit more fire.
What you're going to have to do is and I want you to remember this, Mika.
Your husband is not is very likely that he won't come with the ministry on you, the type of anointing that you carry or the fire.
He doesn't have to. God puts people together on assignment and what you carry will light a fire in his life.
He doesn't have to come with it. You don't need a reflection of yourself.
You need a husband that is committed to righteousness. Fire can die out.
It is not a determinant of who a person or where they're going in Christ.
There are many believers who have a testimony that I used to pray. I used to be this way.
I used to be that way. None of those things are. This is a commitment to the journey of growth.
No, you don't have to give a person your timeline of what you want to happen.
You should give your time when you want to go to school. No, no, no, no.
You just let it when you get to 90 days. Jackie says at that point you want to have a comfort.
You let them bring up the conversation about the direction of the relationship.
So inside of you, I'm just responding to a check inside of you, you know, you know.
You know, the days are going, you know what you're working toward.
But yeah. And so be mindful of that. All of that. Thank you.
A person, even if a man is a Methodist and you are charismatic, a fighter, they don't mean anything.
If a man is committed to righteousness, he's committed to righteousness. A righteous man can hear from his father.
If he's a man of integrity, he's a man of integrity. He's a man of character. He's a man of character.
If he's a man that is teachable, whatever environment he gets in, he's going to be taught of his God.
I mean, I mean, he's in the right environment.
He's teachable and he's committed to righteousness. He can outgrow you.
That's how they grow. Very. They grow very, very quickly.
Wow.
And so, yeah, just be mindful that you don't have to cover that part.
Thank you, ma'am. That was super helpful. I appreciate it.
All right, keep us updated. I'll let you know next week how the day goes.
That's right. Ladies, you've been amazing. You've held on. And I'm so happy to see all of y'all.
Keep us updated. Come into the chat. There's going to be an activation posted. Go ahead and
enjoy that activation. I pray that all of you guys have the best night until I see you again.
Oh, glad it was such a rich session. Y'all were amazing. Good night.