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Great. Jessica, you look like a little girl. How old are you?

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Just turned 37. I could have swore you about 27. You look

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like a baby. What do y'all think? Does she look like a little baby? My word. Anyway,

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so it is so good to have all you wonderful ladies here on tonight. It's so good to see

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some names, not yet faces that I haven't seen in a while. I'm always happy. Kelly, how's

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it going? All right. Let me... So let me run through some little housekeeping.

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Things here. Okay. We're recording. I need to be more, a little bit more focused. So

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is there anyone new? This is your first time. It doesn't look like it to me. Okay. All right.

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Good. Nobody. Okay. All right. Good. Modern Day Sucks Book Club starts on July 19th. So

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if you didn't get a chance to make it, Amy, is this your first time? You look familiar

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to me. I thought I've seen your name before. It's my first time in the second phase for

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a Tuesday night. I've only been on Monday nights. So we'll just transition. Welcome.

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We're so happy to have you. Yeah. Are you excited about phase two? I'm not sure yet.

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Okay. Okay. Well, surely let us know. Tiffany is in the house. Hey, I've been thinking about you.

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How's everything going? It is good to be here. Good. Well, it's good to have you. You need to

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give me an update when you get an opportunity. Yes, ma'am. Okay. Modern Day Sucks, I know the

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book club starts July 19th. So that means if you weren't able to get into the first one,

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the second one is going. I heard that it is really, really good. And that book is amazing.

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Check your email. You should get an email about signing up. If you want to join, check that out.

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If you don't, you can email at me and check your spam folder first. And then you can email at me.

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If you make a new post, some of you guys are really good about tagging again and saying,

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hey, I made this post. Please follow up with me or check it out. A lot of you ladies are really

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good with that. If you post something and then get follow up with, just say, hey, follow up with my

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post. I made a post. Please take a look at it. You can do at Carla and at me. If you put the ad in

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there, it should bing us hopefully, but you can put both our names on. Now, unless you just want

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Carla to respond or whatever. But I think that if you put both of our names, even if you desire,

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like, hey, Ebony, I really want you to chime in on this. Or hey, Carla, I really want you to chime

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in on this. You can say that, but it's always good to have both. If both coaches respond,

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it's a really good thing because you get different perspectives.

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Let's see. If you want to do one-on-one coaching, just a reminder, ladies, this is not mandatory.

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Okay. And so when it's shared with you, this is not a mandatory thing. It is for an additional fee,

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but you can go to the resources tab. And I think it's under there, under coaches or

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hire coach. I think that's what is underneath hire coach. This includes 50-minute video call

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with the coach that you choose that fits your schedule. And there are coaches on there that

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you don't know. You don't have to, like, they're really good. So don't, like, if you feel pulled

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toward one or the other, try them out. I know that you're going to really enjoy your session, right?

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And so one of the notes, and we generally don't run into this in our session, but it's very

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possible. If you had a question, let's, well, not, I'm not going to say that that's not true.

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If you had a question, you didn't ask it because maybe it was getting late. Just know that you can

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post it in the chat, but I may not get a chance to read it, but somebody can let me know in this

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group. Like, hey, somebody posted a really good question in the chat. Can you address it?

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That'll be good. It'll be helpful. I can't, it's challenging for me to do both at the same time,

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or you can, we'll try to get to your question. All right. So if anybody wants to volunteer to

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keep me on task about questions in the chat that are really good, that would be addressed to me

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to respond.

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or somebody says something you would like to hear,

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hear a coach's perspective on it.

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You know, definitely, let's go for that.

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So I'm gonna pray,

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because it seems like I'm kind of dragging along here.

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Father, I thank you for every one of these ladies.

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I thank you for their love story.

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I thank you, Lord God,

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that nobody writes a love story quite like you.

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Well, not even quite like you, not even close to you,

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for you know the way that you've designed us, oh God.

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And one thing about you

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is everything that you do is intentional.

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It is on purpose and it's for purpose.

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And so I thank you, Lord God,

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for kingdom purpose being manifested

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in every one of their lives.

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I thank you for the journey

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more than I thank you for the outcome,

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because it's in the journey

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that the stretching and the making is being done.

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It's in the journey that you're healing them,

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you're restoring them, and you're making them new.

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Lord, marriage is a light thing for you to do.

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And so that means that they've not said I do,

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that there is more work that you wanna do in them

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because you love them and you care for them.

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You're not dangling a carrot in front of their face

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and telling them that they can't have it

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because they're not good enough,

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they're not been, they're not performed.

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God, this is not a performance, oh God,

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but you want to be a performance in their life.

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Lord God, you want to bring things into manifestation,

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into fruition, and you want to heal us,

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and you want to grow us, and you wanna make us new.

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And so Father, we thank you for this journey,

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and we thank you, Lord God,

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that if we've not said I do,

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we know that you're working something good in our lives.

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In Jesus name, amen.

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And I just wanna say, you know,

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for whoever this is, you're not forsaken,

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you're not forgotten, that is not what this is about.

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The Lord has not forgotten you, you're not forsaken, okay?

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I just wanted to share that.

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All right, so tonight we're gonna be talking about,

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and it may go fairly quickly,

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is learning how to show without performing.

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Now this is a thing, because I often say what my sister

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will say, dating is one of the biggest scams we know.

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Because sometimes people show up with a face on,

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and as much as I would like to believe that that's not me,

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I've evaluated dating situations,

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and I also showed up with a mask.

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And when I came afterwards, I had to reevaluate.

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Sometimes there's this thing that happens in you,

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like you wanna show everything that you are.

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You don't know that you're doing it,

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but you wanna show all the goodness that you are,

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and tell all the things you're doing.

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You wanna tell how amazing you are,

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so that maybe they can see that you really are good,

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that you really should be chosen.

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Those are not the thoughts in your head,

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but if you will take a little time and evaluate,

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you may find that these things are also true for you.

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It could be something that, it happens so naturally,

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that you don't know that it's happening,

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until in hindsight, when you look back upon it,

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you can evaluate for yourself that you too were performing.

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And oftentimes we will perform,

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because they call it putting your best foot forward, right?

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But this performance, sometimes it's unto choose me.

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And then when they don't choose you,

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you're like, well, what is it about me?

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I gave them, you know, I gave them the best show I could give.

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That's not what you say, but you like,

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you feel like you showed up and you gave the very best of you

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and it did not pay off.

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And so we wanna talk about,

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I'm sorry, it hasn't gotten better.

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Oh, that's to someone else.

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So discovery dating ideally is the place

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that we want you to practice being yourself.

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And that comes, you have to recognize

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that a performance can be happening,

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so that you can actually see who the authentic person is.

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Because there are some things that happen

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in discovery dating and the skill of dating, right?

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You want to be kind, you want to be honoring.

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Parts of you are operating in new places

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you've never operated before.

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So you're putting aside entitlement, you're being gracious,

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you're extending more than you usually would extend.

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And that's not a mask,

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you're actually practicing a new muscle.

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You're doing something new, you're in this program,

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your heart has been healed,

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you're looking through a different lens.

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And so you actually are working a lot of things at one time

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and you ladies don't give yourself enough credit

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for everything that you're doing.

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And when you use the wrong measuring,

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when you measure based on the outcome,

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you don't come up with an accurate measurement

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of what's happening in you and what you're actually doing.

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You are on a faith journey,

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I cannot express this enough to you.

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You are learning some of you guys how to trust God

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for the very first time,

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but for all of us a first time in an area

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that you've never had to trust him before.

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I imagine that most of us

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have not seen a kingdom marriage done.

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We've not seen God be a matchmaker before.

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And though we see lots of women in the community

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being married off,

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there's nobody in your close-knit circle

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that you've seen before.

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So this is a whole new thing.

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But you do have the history.

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of all the failed attempts or the no attempts

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or nothing happening in your life.

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And so this is a really big faith journey.

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And that's something you need to remind yourself of often

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that you are always putting yourself out

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even if you hadn't created the data profile inside of you,

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you're trying to grow to a place of vulnerability.

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Inside of you, you want to reach this place

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that we talk about.

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And so that is work even when you don't use the words

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because you're striving for something on the inside of you

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and hoping that one day it'll show up on the outside of you.

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And that's how we get from the inside of us

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to the outside of us because something keeps working

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on the inside to produce something on the outside.

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I know those like, sounds like a play of words,

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but do you, are you tracking with me?

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And sometimes we underestimate just how much work that takes

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to push past your fears, to push past your limits,

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to push past the laws that you've created

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on the inside of you.

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And so this is a big journey

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and it's one that requires much vulnerability.

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And it is a journey that is full of bumps

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and twists and turns, some stings and some ouches.

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Ouch, some rejection, some no, not yet.

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And wait a little while longer, wait four months longer,

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wait one year longer, by Lord.

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Every time you hear somebody say it took three years,

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you're like, not me, God forbid.

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And then they say, well, the Lord had to do some things

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and then you're like, well, God forbid, God forbid,

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don't let it be me.

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To tell people, don't tell me your story,

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keep it to yourself.

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Anyway, okay, so I'm done with it, yeah.

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So anyway, give yourself more credit

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for what you're doing.

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And so we always just want to, I just take in moments,

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I realize that you may not be celebrating yourself,

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but I believe that it's my responsibility

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to celebrate you all more in all that you're doing

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so that you won't believe that the work

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that you're doing is in vain,

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even if it's just showing up to a coaching session.

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You're actually entertaining the thought of this thing.

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You know, the Bible says that even though Abraham

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was dead in his body, he believed.

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The Bible says that he hoped against hope.

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And the Bible says that Sarah being past childbearing years,

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believed the Lord for the promise.

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You know, one time a guy said to me,

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we were ending things and he said to me, he was like,

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well, you said that the Lord said

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that you were gonna be married this year.

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And I got so angry with him because he shared,

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threw back in my face after we're breaking up,

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something that I believe the Lord has said to me.

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And all of a sudden the thought came into my mind

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and I said it to him, I said, I have a promise.

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What do you have?

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So ladies, you have a promise.

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And the Bible says that against hope, Abraham hoped

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when he was dead in his body, he believed the Lord.

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When Sarah was beyond childbearing years,

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she hoped in the Lord for the promise to be fulfilled.

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I got a promise.

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And so I don't think it's strange

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that every time I wake up and I keep believing

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because I have a promise.

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Because you best believe that every time Abraham

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put his dead body on top of Sarah and they slept together,

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they were believing God for the promised child.

241
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Even though she was beyond childbearing years,

242
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every single time, oh, it went out at the wrong time.

243
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Every single time, they believed the Lord for a child.

244
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Right?

245
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And so that within itself tells me

246
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that when I have a promise, I'm gonna keep believing

247
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and I'm gonna do it without apology.

248
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One second, y'all, I'm trying to get the camera back on.

249
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I don't wanna buy no computer.

250
00:14:06.880 --> 00:14:08.200
All right.

251
00:14:08.200 --> 00:14:09.520
Aye, yai, yai.

252
00:14:14.640 --> 00:14:15.480
Okay.

253
00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:17.040
Maybe we'll have to go with the...

254
00:14:18.260 --> 00:14:20.520
We hear you very well.

255
00:14:20.520 --> 00:14:21.440
Oh yeah.

256
00:14:21.440 --> 00:14:24.280
It's like when I hook up the new one,

257
00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:26.660
the old, the one on the computer wants to work,

258
00:14:26.660 --> 00:14:27.500
but it keeps going.

259
00:14:27.500 --> 00:14:28.320
Yeah.

260
00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:31.320
And so this is what I told, this is what I said.

261
00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:32.160
Huh?

262
00:14:32.160 --> 00:14:33.760
Oh, this is the It Witch.

263
00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:36.160
Oh, shoot.

264
00:14:36.160 --> 00:14:37.240
Sorry.

265
00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:38.080
Shoot.

266
00:14:38.080 --> 00:14:38.900
Me too.

267
00:14:38.900 --> 00:14:40.320
Oh my goodness, how did I do?

268
00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:41.880
Go ahead and mute.

269
00:14:41.880 --> 00:14:43.240
I'm so sorry, though.

270
00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:45.160
It's okay, girl.

271
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We're family.

272
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All right.

273
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So I have a promise

274
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and I want you ladies to hold on to that.

275
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What do I got?

276
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I got a promise.

277
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And then when you, after you say,

278
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I got a promise in your mind, say,

279
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well, what if it's not for you?

280
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Say, hey.

281
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.680
Even if it's not for me, I'm gonna lay claim to it. Ah

282
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So you gotta learn how to use the language of even if

283
00:15:08.600 --> 00:15:13.880
So when the lie comes or when something comes opposite of the Bible says take every thought and hold it captive

284
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You take that thought you hold that thing captive and you look back at that thought and you say even if

285
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It wasn't for me. It's gonna be for me today

286
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All right, even if everybody's getting married, it don't mean I won't get married

287
00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:36.280
Even if there's a drought all around me, it doesn't mean that water won't come

288
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It's gonna rain one day. It's the first Sunday in every month. Come on. All right

289
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You remember that so?

290
00:15:45.560 --> 00:15:47.240
All right

291
00:15:47.240 --> 00:15:49.560
We want to learn to show up without performing

292
00:15:49.560 --> 00:15:55.000
And so I'm gonna hang tight to some of my notes so we can practice how to show up without performing. So

293
00:16:00.920 --> 00:16:02.920
Let's talk about flirting

294
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And we'll talk about flirting because a lot of times we get post or I talk with some lady and they say well

295
00:16:11.160 --> 00:16:16.560
It's flirting like being manipulative or is this like using a person?

296
00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:21.440
When you ladies hear the word flirting put in the chat what you think about

297
00:16:25.200 --> 00:16:27.520
What do you think when you hear flirting

298
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:32.000
You

299
00:16:33.920 --> 00:16:36.560
Flunk fun and playful. Oh, thank you Rachel

300
00:16:37.840 --> 00:16:44.440
Trying to attract feeling pretty sexy fun light hearted cute. Come on smiling laughing being playful

301
00:16:48.560 --> 00:16:53.800
Goofy maybe like 60 come on awkward fun light

302
00:16:56.200 --> 00:16:58.000
Compliment playful

303
00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:03.120
These are all really good light and fun because what you put

304
00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:09.760
Leaning into the feminine. Yeah light high hearted good

305
00:17:10.280 --> 00:17:15.119
So the things that you put to describe flirting is a description of your personality

306
00:17:16.040 --> 00:17:17.640
more than likely

307
00:17:17.640 --> 00:17:25.200
How you're seeing flare flirting is how you would imagine flirting is and ideally maybe how you show up as a flirt

308
00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:33.080
It can that connect or resonate with anyone it's very possible. Okay, so when we say flirt

309
00:17:33.800 --> 00:17:36.800
You you want permission to just be yourself?

310
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That's basically what you want. You want to be yourself. We give you permission to be yourself. There's nothing wrong with flirting

311
00:17:44.840 --> 00:17:49.720
It's nothing wrong with being light hearted. Sometimes we believe that if I flirt with someone I'm pursuing them

312
00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:52.720
I

313
00:17:53.360 --> 00:17:57.080
I'm like should I be saying this to them or should I be doing this with them?

314
00:17:57.080 --> 00:18:02.520
I want you to hear flirting and I want you to hear what you said flirting is to you and I want you to show

315
00:18:02.520 --> 00:18:08.560
Up that way. I want you to start showing up with me in that way. They will like it and

316
00:18:09.200 --> 00:18:11.200
So will you?

317
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:13.200
You

318
00:18:15.360 --> 00:18:21.120
Do you think as you think on that do you think that it's possible that you ladies could show up that way give yourself permission

319
00:18:21.120 --> 00:18:22.440
to be you

320
00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:24.680
How many of us hold back that side of us?

321
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light

322
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playful

323
00:18:27.640 --> 00:18:29.640
Mm-hmm, but it's you right

324
00:18:30.600 --> 00:18:33.000
Why do you think you hold back you?

325
00:18:35.080 --> 00:18:37.960
Put it in check why you think you hold back that person

326
00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:43.200
You

327
00:18:44.800 --> 00:18:46.800
Fear rejection. Mm-hmm

328
00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:49.920
Yep fear

329
00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:52.560
Get focused on tasks that need to be done. All right

330
00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:57.000
Nervous of looking silly. Mm-hmm

331
00:19:02.320 --> 00:19:03.920
Yeah

332
00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:09.880
You're trying to save a bit more fear rejection abandon me. They won't like me. Yeah, it won't be received. Yeah

333
00:19:12.200 --> 00:19:13.040
I

334
00:19:13.040 --> 00:19:18.840
Don't want to come across as bold. All right to the one who doesn't want to come across as bold

335
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:21.920
Tell me what do you think that's connected to?

336
00:19:22.440 --> 00:19:28.980
It is fun to flirt Shelly. I just do it naturally. I don't know how I got good at it, but my lord

337
00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:36.440
My friend when she goes to me, she's like, do you know you was just flirting? I was like, I know it feels so good

338
00:19:36.440 --> 00:19:43.920
It's so much fun. I'm just like don't give me no look 25 year old waiter. I'm like, oh, I don't know the boy

339
00:19:47.520 --> 00:19:49.520
I practice all my skills

340
00:19:51.400 --> 00:19:53.560
Cuz he's just gonna smile and blush

341
00:19:53.560 --> 00:19:59.880
You don't know what to do when it's older woman practice on those little young waiters. They don't know what to do. They just blush

342
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.240
like crazy it's just they want they tilt so they just entertain and they're like whatever you say

343
00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:10.960
whatever you say there go back and tell their friends that they pulled them up they pulled

344
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:16.960
them a cube a cougar don't just just go for it you naturally smile so me i always think i'm

345
00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:23.760
flirting good it's good that men think that you're flirting it's good that you look open and glenn do

346
00:20:23.760 --> 00:20:30.400
you think that uh you believe that um you don't want to look bold because maybe um women are

347
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:37.600
maybe like you think that maybe you should be more gentle um that or that that um bold doesn't

348
00:20:37.600 --> 00:20:45.600
associate with femininity i mean i think maybe it's my age group that you just never did that

349
00:20:45.600 --> 00:20:51.920
like growing up you you know you waited on the boy or the guy to make the first move

350
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:59.680
so uh yeah yeah so it was that ladylike you know that is true i'm so glad you said that

351
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:07.680
depending on your um what generation you came about in it wasn't um looked upon even though

352
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:15.360
men liked it it didn't look ladylike or feel like you were putting yourself out there or being loose

353
00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:22.400
right um or not being kept um or it could send signals to men that you're a type of woman that

354
00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:31.440
you're not right go ahead um last week i drove up to my daughter's house and i was on the express

355
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:38.320
on the freeway and this guy in a truck but he was nice looking too and he come up sign he smiled

356
00:21:38.320 --> 00:21:44.960
and i just smiled back and he waved and i waved and it was like and he he would pull up beside me

357
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:49.440
a little bit and then pull back and it was just for like a couple miles but i'm like hey i still

358
00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:57.120
got it i know oh it's nothing like when you realize you still got a baby that still gotta

359
00:21:57.120 --> 00:22:02.400
get you that's why i encourage you ladies to go on a date if he don't look like a killer and he

360
00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:06.320
looks he got a decent job he'll teach you or something like that go on out with him even if

361
00:22:06.320 --> 00:22:12.800
he don't look that good just go and let that man look at you like i got a date with a pretty woman

362
00:22:12.800 --> 00:22:16.480
so the only thing he could do with that tape is keep talking about his self his life his self

363
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:21.680
his life and don't walk away feel like he asked me nothing about myself i must not be injured no

364
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:26.240
he just don't know what to do he looking at this pretty woman and he can't believe that you are

365
00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:32.480
with him at one point i was like i'm gonna take my age group up because i know the old man want

366
00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:37.440
a young thing like me and it's gonna help me feel like i still got it if they do they be

367
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:46.160
like sometimes you gotta think outside the box amanda no i'm just playing because how you looking

368
00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:53.680
at me it's nothing personal uh so sometimes you can take your age range up for some nice dates

369
00:22:53.680 --> 00:22:58.400
um just to see that you still got it because they're like oh i can't believe it if you look

370
00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:02.560
at you like i can't believe it i just can't believe it it's like you probably shouldn't

371
00:23:02.560 --> 00:23:11.600
believe it buddy so um flirting is simply creating a way to connect that's all it is

372
00:23:11.600 --> 00:23:16.720
it's sending an invitation that if you're interested i'm interested in hearing what you

373
00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:24.960
have to say that's all it is it's a way of connecting um and shows availability and you

374
00:23:24.960 --> 00:23:29.360
still have the opportunity after flirt i flirted with lots of people and didn't give them my number

375
00:23:30.320 --> 00:23:34.080
and i would just tell them well i'm just having fun if you could keep up let's do it

376
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:42.880
and so i'll i'll have this fun banter back and forth and it helps me with language um and it

377
00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:49.360
helps me um uh when it's time to talk to someone that i may be interested in i've already worked

378
00:23:49.360 --> 00:23:56.480
the muscle enough to do it without feeling um if they say no they say no because i said no to enough

379
00:23:56.480 --> 00:24:04.000
people to give them space or hold space for them to say no i've had to say no to a lot of me and

380
00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:09.280
that's okay and so then when a man has to say no to me then it has to be okay right and so that's

381
00:24:09.280 --> 00:24:18.080
kind of my my um my that i did that perspective that i've had to say no i've said no to a lot of

382
00:24:18.080 --> 00:24:23.600
men um it's kind of like my place that i can bounce the it's kind of like it's not a wall

383
00:24:23.600 --> 00:24:27.520
that i put up but it's the little mattress in front of me that when they say no it kind of just

384
00:24:27.520 --> 00:24:33.760
hits up against a really soft mattress and that mattress was created from i had to say no to a lot

385
00:24:33.760 --> 00:24:39.840
of people and so i understand their no to me because i've had to do it too and that no doesn't

386
00:24:39.840 --> 00:24:44.800
get a chance to be a rejection toward me because it bounced up against something really soft that

387
00:24:44.800 --> 00:24:52.080
was not absorbing um rejection as an identity but that person's right to say no does that make sense

388
00:24:52.080 --> 00:24:59.920
and so we were at um and tiffany came came over here to austin we went to a single

389
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.160
conference. And the guy that I talked to for like a long time, I wasn't interested in him,

390
00:25:06.160 --> 00:25:13.920
not at all. However, I talked to him because when you talk to men, if there's another man

391
00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:18.880
watching you in the place, they know that you're friendly and that you're easy to talk to.

392
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:23.200
Because you don't have a problem with holding a conversation with a man. They're looking at

393
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:26.240
you holding a conversation with a man and you look happy, you don't look afraid. And they're

394
00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:30.960
like, oh, okay. And if he wants you, he's going to be waiting. As soon as you get away from him,

395
00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:35.360
he's going to come over and talk to you. And so I do it just to work my muscles,

396
00:25:35.360 --> 00:25:39.520
just to keep that flowing, to be able to have conversations that are loose in light.

397
00:25:41.040 --> 00:25:48.480
And to make me look more approachable. So flirting is a simple way of creating

398
00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:53.120
opportunities for connection. You want to hold on to that. It is a very simple way to create

399
00:25:53.120 --> 00:26:02.800
opportunities for connection. And then I have this really good example here that Carla added

400
00:26:02.800 --> 00:26:09.040
to the notes and it's called Leave the Baggage at the Gate. And the scenario that's given here,

401
00:26:09.040 --> 00:26:13.520
if you guys were in the first session, I may not tell it exactly the way Carla did,

402
00:26:14.080 --> 00:26:19.360
but she titled it Leave the Baggage at the Gate. And she talked about, have you let us ever,

403
00:26:19.360 --> 00:26:25.600
when you pack up to go on a trip, let's say you're going on vacation and you pack everything,

404
00:26:26.320 --> 00:26:31.360
you pack a backup outfit for the backup outfit, who does that? And when you're done, you say,

405
00:26:31.360 --> 00:26:34.880
I'm going to take these few shoes. But then it's like, well, I need this shoe for this outfit and

406
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:38.000
this shoe for this outfit and this shoe for this outfit and this shoe for this outfit.

407
00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:45.040
And then when you look up, you got all this stuff with you. When I go home to Mississippi,

408
00:26:45.040 --> 00:26:50.080
my mama, she literally asked me, she's like, what are you here for three days? I tell y'all,

409
00:26:50.080 --> 00:26:56.400
literally I will pack for like two weeks. I don't know why it keeps adding up. And I'd be saying,

410
00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:00.480
but what if I want to change? And, but what if this, and, but what if that? And it's just like,

411
00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:05.600
this don't even make sense. And I agree with her. It doesn't make sense. But something happens when

412
00:27:05.600 --> 00:27:15.200
I start packing, I just keep going and keep going. And so, all of us, sometimes we carry

413
00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:21.200
or pack a lot of baggage. And in discovery dating, we want you to leave it at the gate.

414
00:27:21.840 --> 00:27:25.760
We don't want you to take it with you. We don't want you to take it with you to the dinner table.

415
00:27:25.760 --> 00:27:29.600
We don't want you to take it to the coffee table with you and feel like you have to unpack it

416
00:27:29.600 --> 00:27:34.080
and share all your jewels and all your treasures and everything that you have and every outfit

417
00:27:34.080 --> 00:27:38.160
that you got and every way that you can do whatever you can do and how it all works out.

418
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:42.720
You don't have to bring every experience to the table with you. You're going to travel light.

419
00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:50.320
And when you travel light, you have more light experiences. You don't show up with

420
00:27:50.320 --> 00:27:56.240
much expectations because you're not bringing a whole lot with you. You're bringing the present

421
00:27:56.240 --> 00:28:05.040
with you. P-R-E-S-E-N-T. Right here, right now. Not tomorrow. Not an outcome. Not yesterday.

422
00:28:05.040 --> 00:28:08.720
Not the last experience you had. You're not bringing any of those things with you.

423
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:14.240
You're packing as light as possible. You're keeping you some very light, fun, surface-level

424
00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:18.800
things to talk about. You're not showing up for a husband. You're showing up for a date.

425
00:28:19.520 --> 00:28:24.480
You're showing up to have fun, and you're showing up to be a fun person to be around

426
00:28:24.480 --> 00:28:30.960
so that even when you leave, you say, man, boy, was she fun. That was so much fun.

427
00:28:32.560 --> 00:28:34.880
Okay? And sometimes I do this.

428
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:44.560
I ask myself, what experience do I want a person to have of me? Meaning what experience do I want

429
00:28:44.560 --> 00:28:49.840
them to walk away with? What do I want them to think of me or the experience they had with me

430
00:28:49.840 --> 00:28:57.280
when it's all said and done? And I want you to create what type of experience you want a person

431
00:28:57.280 --> 00:29:02.560
to have of you because when you create that experience, when you write it down, you actually

432
00:29:02.560 --> 00:29:09.120
reproduce that experience. You go in with your mind. And so my thing is in life, anybody who

433
00:29:09.120 --> 00:29:16.320
meets me, a year from now, they say, I met a girl named Ebony, and she was amazing. I met a woman

434
00:29:16.320 --> 00:29:21.120
named Ebony, and she was amazing. That is for every coworker that I meet, people that I meet

435
00:29:21.120 --> 00:29:25.200
in ministry, people that I meet on the streets, even people that I date, like, man, I met.

436
00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:30.720
And so that's why I'm very intentional with not ghosting. I'm intentional with expressing the

437
00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:36.000
fullness of what I'm thinking. I'm being very clear and very kind, and I'm being bold about it

438
00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:40.320
because I want them to know that somebody told them the truth. Somebody was up front with them.

439
00:29:40.320 --> 00:29:44.080
Everybody doesn't do this. And when they look back, they're going to say, I appreciate that.

440
00:29:45.040 --> 00:29:49.040
And so that's the experience I like people to have of me. I want them to have fun. I want them to

441
00:29:49.040 --> 00:29:56.720
feel light when they're around me. And I want them to leave better than when they came. And

442
00:29:56.720 --> 00:29:59.840
so write down, you know, let's just take a moment and do that.

443
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.400
What experience do you want people to have when they're with you?

444
00:30:15.400 --> 00:30:18.200
You want them to feel seen and heard, okay?

445
00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:19.700
That is a good experience.

446
00:30:21.300 --> 00:30:23.100
Safe and be themselves.

447
00:30:23.400 --> 00:30:24.200
Mm-hmm.

448
00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:39.600
You know, one of the ways people can feel safe to be themselves, loose booty.

449
00:30:39.600 --> 00:30:41.800
What is that?

450
00:30:41.800 --> 00:30:44.000
I was into something else.

451
00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:44.300
Okay.

452
00:30:44.300 --> 00:30:51.600
Is that like if you don't make negative comments about people around you or a

453
00:30:51.600 --> 00:30:56.300
waitress or have any negative things, people feel very safe around people who

454
00:30:56.300 --> 00:30:57.600
don't make negative comments.

455
00:30:57.600 --> 00:30:58.900
Like, oh, I wish they would come on.

456
00:30:58.900 --> 00:31:00.700
Like, oh, why are you taking so long?

457
00:31:01.100 --> 00:31:05.700
For some reason, when people do that, they don't look at you like you're being

458
00:31:05.700 --> 00:31:08.900
negative, but it kind of is like, well, let me stay in line.

459
00:31:09.200 --> 00:31:11.300
And it's a subconscious thing that happens.

460
00:31:11.300 --> 00:31:12.900
They don't know that they're thinking it.

461
00:31:14.300 --> 00:31:17.300
Feel like they made a connection, that they're valued, that they have fun and

462
00:31:17.300 --> 00:31:18.200
felt at ease.

463
00:31:18.200 --> 00:31:19.000
That's good.

464
00:31:20.800 --> 00:31:23.400
That you carried them fully present and intentional in showing up with them.

465
00:31:23.400 --> 00:31:24.300
That's so good.

466
00:31:24.300 --> 00:31:28.800
One thing I started doing when I'm with people, period, I usually just

467
00:31:28.800 --> 00:31:32.100
turn my phone over, but I like to keep it in my purse.

468
00:31:32.600 --> 00:31:35.700
I don't even want it at the table because it's still a connection to that

469
00:31:35.700 --> 00:31:37.600
phone when it's at the table and turned over.

470
00:31:37.900 --> 00:31:41.700
So I intentionally keep it in my purse, whether they do it with theirs or not,

471
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:46.500
but I want to show up fully with nothing else distracting me.

472
00:31:46.500 --> 00:31:48.700
That time you have is the time that I've given.

473
00:31:49.700 --> 00:31:52.300
And so now you get it undivided time.

474
00:31:52.700 --> 00:31:57.300
And so that if we do get an opportunity to grow together, then I can say, hey,

475
00:31:57.400 --> 00:32:00.400
I prefer that when we're spending time together, that is undivided.

476
00:32:01.200 --> 00:32:03.400
And I'm already given that experience.

477
00:32:04.900 --> 00:32:05.400
Okay.

478
00:32:06.500 --> 00:32:10.280
I want you ladies to remember that you don't have to answer every question when

479
00:32:10.300 --> 00:32:11.600
you're getting to know a person.

480
00:32:12.100 --> 00:32:17.080
One of the questions that was asked in the chat, I mean on the app, and I want

481
00:32:17.100 --> 00:32:18.400
to say something about this.

482
00:32:18.700 --> 00:32:21.800
Someone said like, hey, they watched a video and in the video,

483
00:32:23.700 --> 00:32:25.200
well, let's just skip that part.

484
00:32:25.500 --> 00:32:27.500
They wanted to know was it,

485
00:32:29.000 --> 00:32:31.800
what do they say when a man asks them why they're not?

486
00:32:32.700 --> 00:32:34.500
Like, why are you still on the market?

487
00:32:35.900 --> 00:32:38.000
Why are you not with anybody?

488
00:32:38.100 --> 00:32:41.180
And they were wanting to know, like, how do they address this question in me

489
00:32:41.200 --> 00:32:42.400
and say it all the time?

490
00:32:43.900 --> 00:32:44.700
All the time.

491
00:32:44.700 --> 00:32:49.200
This is a normal language of men when you meet them on the dating app.

492
00:32:49.700 --> 00:32:52.800
And part of it, I don't know if they know anything else to say,

493
00:32:53.200 --> 00:32:54.800
but you say it back.

494
00:32:55.900 --> 00:32:59.880
But you need an answer and you can write down your answer and you can use it

495
00:32:59.900 --> 00:33:01.100
over and over and over again.

496
00:33:01.100 --> 00:33:03.800
A lot of times we just don't have language for these things.

497
00:33:04.200 --> 00:33:06.500
And so you don't have to be offended.

498
00:33:07.500 --> 00:33:09.400
It doesn't have to be a rude thing.

499
00:33:09.800 --> 00:33:13.400
They're just asking a question because they're looking at this beautiful woman

500
00:33:13.900 --> 00:33:16.300
who on paper, it looks absolutely amazing.

501
00:33:16.300 --> 00:33:20.400
So please tell me, how did I get an opportunity to talk to you?

502
00:33:21.100 --> 00:33:21.700
Okay?

503
00:33:21.700 --> 00:33:25.200
And so your response is, it can sound something like,

504
00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:27.800
well, that's a really great question.

505
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:29.600
I ask myself that often.

506
00:33:29.600 --> 00:33:30.500
How about you?

507
00:33:31.800 --> 00:33:35.700
Now, and they could come back and say, okay, but really, why are you on here?

508
00:33:35.700 --> 00:33:37.300
You can say, well, why haven't you met anyone?

509
00:33:37.300 --> 00:33:43.100
Just say, I haven't met anyone and no one has met me where we align

510
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:44.500
on what we want.

511
00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:47.400
You know, they haven't.

512
00:33:47.400 --> 00:33:51.300
So instead, the reason why I add, I haven't met anyone and no one has

513
00:33:51.300 --> 00:33:55.500
encountered me, that we agree, is because you don't want to, I don't like it

514
00:33:55.500 --> 00:33:57.500
to sound like, I ain't met nobody good enough.

515
00:33:58.800 --> 00:34:02.000
It could sound like that when we don't include the other person.

516
00:34:02.800 --> 00:34:08.000
And so I usually say, I haven't had an experience with anyone where we agree

517
00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:09.699
that we'll be the best match.

518
00:34:10.500 --> 00:34:11.900
That sounds a little bit better.

519
00:34:12.300 --> 00:34:16.500
I haven't experienced anyone where we agree that we will be best.

520
00:34:17.900 --> 00:34:20.400
And then you can say, what about you?

521
00:34:20.400 --> 00:34:21.800
If you'd like to ask it back.

522
00:34:21.900 --> 00:34:23.100
Oh, I don't ask that.

523
00:34:23.100 --> 00:34:26.100
I don't even really care, but you can ask it back.

524
00:34:26.500 --> 00:34:29.600
And so it is good to hear what they have to say, right?

525
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:32.800
And so when you get that question, I don't want you ladies to feel nervous

526
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:35.500
anymore because I used to feel really nervous because I didn't have language

527
00:34:35.500 --> 00:34:36.100
for it.

528
00:34:37.100 --> 00:34:38.500
And I'm like, I don't know.

529
00:34:39.199 --> 00:34:40.199
That why I'm on here.

530
00:34:40.199 --> 00:34:43.699
I'm trying to meet somebody because sometimes the reason why they can feel

531
00:34:43.699 --> 00:34:47.000
negative because it can sound like, yeah, something must really be wrong

532
00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:48.500
with me and nobody's chosen me.

533
00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:50.500
Do you, does that resonate?

534
00:34:50.500 --> 00:34:52.199
Like that could bounce back to you.

535
00:34:52.199 --> 00:34:55.100
Like, like I don't want to be on here.

536
00:34:55.500 --> 00:34:57.400
You think I want to answer this question?

537
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:00.000
I don't even want to build this dating app and now here you ask.

538
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.880
why nobody wants me. I don't know why they don't want me, sir. I want somebody but don't nobody

539
00:35:06.880 --> 00:35:12.880
want me. Like that's just kind of like all of that. You don't say those words, but that's kind

540
00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:19.200
of in there, right? Oh good, Chris said yes, it resonates. And so that's your answer. And that

541
00:35:19.200 --> 00:35:26.480
is the truth. You haven't experienced anyone where you guys agree on a future together.

542
00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:31.920
Because had you experienced somebody where y'all agree on a future together, you will be married.

543
00:35:32.880 --> 00:35:34.960
Sitting on the couch somewhere with your feet propped up.

544
00:35:36.480 --> 00:35:41.040
Asking him why he ain't do what you want him to do. Mad, because you ain't know you ain't

545
00:35:41.040 --> 00:35:44.800
signing for all this. Then what you're going to be somewhere saying, I ain't signing for all this.

546
00:35:44.800 --> 00:35:51.680
And they're like, yeah, you signed up for it. All right, did what you said you wanted. All right.

547
00:35:52.640 --> 00:36:04.000
So we want to always encourage you that this is, I'm trying to stick with this,

548
00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:09.840
but God isn't asking you to become someone worth choosing. And I want you to hear that.

549
00:36:09.840 --> 00:36:16.560
He really isn't asking you to become someone worth choosing. He's inviting you to let the

550
00:36:16.560 --> 00:36:22.720
woman that he's already designed you to be, to become visible, right? He's inviting you to bring

551
00:36:22.720 --> 00:36:27.840
that woman forth so that the world can see you in every sphere of influence that you have.

552
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:35.840
God is inviting you to come into a place with him where he equips you. He makes you whole.

553
00:36:36.720 --> 00:36:41.120
He brings out beauty on the inside of the woman that looks in seasonal beauty.

554
00:36:41.680 --> 00:36:45.680
You know, ladies, sometimes we believe that marriage is representation of beauty and it's not.

555
00:36:47.040 --> 00:36:52.880
If I was more beautiful, I could be chosen. If I was just this type of woman, I will be chosen.

556
00:36:53.520 --> 00:36:57.440
And that's just simply not true. I'm looking at all y'all beautiful women.

557
00:36:57.440 --> 00:37:02.400
That's how I know it's not true because I'm like, oh, they beautiful. And you know,

558
00:37:02.400 --> 00:37:06.000
and you know, so I know that's not where it is.

559
00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:14.720
And that's just not where it's at. And marriage is not the sum total or the worth of you or the

560
00:37:14.720 --> 00:37:20.640
value of you. It does not give you, it does not assign that to you. It's already in you.

561
00:37:21.200 --> 00:37:29.200
And when we, thank you. And when we assign that to marriage, that's something that the

562
00:37:29.200 --> 00:37:37.040
Lord has to get out of us because God forbid you go into a marriage with that, with that

563
00:37:37.040 --> 00:37:43.280
perception or that idea, because then your husband becomes your idol. And when he stops choosing you

564
00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:51.360
and he will, then what are you going to have left? And if your basis of worth is on the fact

565
00:37:51.360 --> 00:37:58.240
that he chose you, you're going to have a really big problem. And we have been programmed that a

566
00:37:58.240 --> 00:38:03.280
man choosing us for marriage is our worth and our value. And that's why we hold on to men that

567
00:38:03.280 --> 00:38:08.080
don't treat us well. That's why we stay longer than we ever should have stayed. And we agreed

568
00:38:08.080 --> 00:38:14.000
to things we never should have agreed to because our identity is tied to that thing. And the Lord

569
00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:19.440
wants that. He needs you to release that. It's going to cause you more pain and grief.

570
00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:25.920
And you've not yet to count the cost of the grief that it's going to bring to your life

571
00:38:25.920 --> 00:38:34.000
and the destruction of your soul and your emotions. It costs you more than you want to pay,

572
00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:41.360
but because it's your comfort, you don't want to let it go. And it costs you more to repair it

573
00:38:41.360 --> 00:38:45.840
than you put in it. You imagine investing in something for a year and two years,

574
00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:51.600
and it costs you 10 years to clean it up. These are real things.

575
00:38:52.480 --> 00:38:59.360
There's a cost associated with scarcity. Scarcity is birthed out of fear that you're not, that you

576
00:38:59.360 --> 00:39:02.880
won't get something. But the only reason you believe that something's not coming to you

577
00:39:02.880 --> 00:39:11.120
because you don't believe you're worth it. It's always, it's mostly always related to some place

578
00:39:11.120 --> 00:39:17.360
of identity. You may then give yourself that identity. Something spoke that identity to you.

579
00:39:17.760 --> 00:39:22.400
And that's why we do the hard work to release those things. And even when they come back up,

580
00:39:22.400 --> 00:39:26.320
because they come back up in dating, where else are they going to come back up at? Because that's

581
00:39:26.320 --> 00:39:34.000
when you combat it. That's when you kick it out. You recognize it. And so I just want you ladies

582
00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:40.000
to know that, that the goal is always you. And when statements like that are made that the goal

583
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:48.800
is always you, I want you to hear that and feel chosen above them all. Because the goal with the

584
00:39:48.800 --> 00:39:57.200
Lord is always you. And that's the ultimate choosing right there. But culture and things

585
00:39:57.200 --> 00:39:59.920
that we've learned don't reflect that in our heart.

586
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.440
Right so that we don't rejoice as much and says God choose me. It's like what he's always chosen me

587
00:40:04.440 --> 00:40:06.560
He gave his son for me. I know he choose me

588
00:40:07.080 --> 00:40:09.200
Just choose a husband for me Lord

589
00:40:10.120 --> 00:40:12.120
They like this a real thing

590
00:40:13.440 --> 00:40:19.000
But some but we don't see a lot of things come in their order because he's still choosing us

591
00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:21.000
He still wants to work in some areas

592
00:40:21.240 --> 00:40:27.000
There are things that gonna only happen in your singleness that don't get to happen in your season of marriage

593
00:40:27.240 --> 00:40:33.520
There are things that he wants to produce out of you right now that when you cross over, that's another life

594
00:40:33.520 --> 00:40:35.840
That's another where it's kind of like being a parent

595
00:40:35.840 --> 00:40:41.460
I think I've talked to you ladies about this before there are things you can do before you get children and when you get children

596
00:40:41.880 --> 00:40:45.520
It's time to be a mama and you got these dreams

597
00:40:45.640 --> 00:40:47.480
You really do have these hopes

598
00:40:47.480 --> 00:40:52.500
But you know if you're a mother those things have to sit on the back burner for the thing that's in front of you

599
00:40:52.540 --> 00:40:57.660
Because that part of you is on retirement until you can get that child to a place and

600
00:40:57.940 --> 00:41:04.340
then you can tap back into the dreams and hopes and sometimes people don't even go back and revisit them because they believe that the time

601
00:41:04.340 --> 00:41:05.980
is fast and

602
00:41:05.980 --> 00:41:12.340
For some things there are times that have passed if your dreams were to be a ballet dancer and you got pregnant and had a child

603
00:41:12.540 --> 00:41:14.580
ballet dances ain't 47

604
00:41:15.580 --> 00:41:20.420
Do you hear what I'm saying? Like there are some dreams. There are some dreams that are time-sensitive

605
00:41:21.420 --> 00:41:24.980
They have an expiration they come in a season

606
00:41:25.660 --> 00:41:31.700
there are things that have to be built on the inside of you an infrastructure to hold the promise and

607
00:41:32.580 --> 00:41:37.340
When the infrastructure is not built you can't hold and house the promise

608
00:41:37.340 --> 00:41:44.080
Therefore you don't enter it because you don't have the infrastructure for what this is the time for infrastructure

609
00:41:45.820 --> 00:41:48.500
Dating for discovery is infrastructure time

610
00:41:50.460 --> 00:41:53.100
Dating for a husband gets your heart broken

611
00:41:53.740 --> 00:41:57.180
Why because you keep going in with the same hope in the same?

612
00:41:57.460 --> 00:42:02.620
Expectation with a person you don't know and when they talk to you three days in a row you say they're being

613
00:42:02.940 --> 00:42:07.380
Consistent when actually you've only known them for three days and they have not been consistent

614
00:42:07.380 --> 00:42:10.740
You just talk to them for three days in order to measure consistency

615
00:42:10.740 --> 00:42:12.340
You need at least a good four weeks

616
00:42:12.340 --> 00:42:16.780
Then you can say they're consistent in something that you've noticed over four weeks

617
00:42:16.900 --> 00:42:23.980
And so when we go into it and you refuse to give up your idea that this person I talk to everyone is he the

618
00:42:23.980 --> 00:42:26.660
One is he the one cuz I don't have time for all this other stuff

619
00:42:26.660 --> 00:42:31.740
I just need to know is he the one as soon as he check out the box soon as he says he's a believer

620
00:42:31.740 --> 00:42:38.400
As soon as he says it so he says he loved God you throw all your caution to the wind and you stop observing

621
00:42:39.460 --> 00:42:42.100
Because in your mind you believe what he said

622
00:42:43.100 --> 00:42:48.380
He said and this is just what I've been looking for he checks all the boxes

623
00:42:49.380 --> 00:42:55.220
Right, and so that's the danger of it. And what happens is you we long for certainty

624
00:42:56.860 --> 00:43:02.300
That's one of the things that I challenge is challenging to balance in dating it's a skill of dating

625
00:43:03.340 --> 00:43:05.340
certainty versus curiosity

626
00:43:06.180 --> 00:43:08.500
Certainty brings our nervous system. Peace

627
00:43:09.860 --> 00:43:11.300
and

628
00:43:11.300 --> 00:43:17.620
So we're looking for it. We're trying to sniff it out. Give me certainty. Give me certainty. Give me certain to give me something

629
00:43:17.620 --> 00:43:24.060
I can settle on and now let's get this ball rolling and you get certainty and you get the ball rolling

630
00:43:24.060 --> 00:43:29.540
It usually rolls faster than you can keep up with and soon as it gets to the other side and hit the wall

631
00:43:29.660 --> 00:43:34.860
Everything comes crumbling down and it cost you more than you wanted to pay and so

632
00:43:34.860 --> 00:43:36.860
We

633
00:43:38.820 --> 00:43:42.500
Remember flirting is a form of connection

634
00:43:44.380 --> 00:43:45.660
Right

635
00:43:45.660 --> 00:43:49.660
For flirting is a form of connection ladies. Um, yeah, and

636
00:43:50.500 --> 00:43:55.580
You don't have to rush to answer every question. You don't have to rush for spiritual intimacy

637
00:43:55.580 --> 00:43:59.900
You don't have to rush for emotional intimacy. You don't have to rush for physical intimacy

638
00:44:00.900 --> 00:44:02.980
All of those three things

639
00:44:04.020 --> 00:44:08.820
Oftentimes we get some ladies that I asked. What are those boundaries? What are those guardrails rails?

640
00:44:09.020 --> 00:44:13.820
We want to guard physical intimacy spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy

641
00:44:14.620 --> 00:44:20.980
because submitting ourselves to that boundary will guard our heart and

642
00:44:22.020 --> 00:44:26.620
What could have been a blow-up when you walk away is only going to be a little sting

643
00:44:27.620 --> 00:44:34.940
Kind of like when a wasp a wasp may sting your bumblebee stings you if they sting you it just hurts for a little while

644
00:44:35.740 --> 00:44:41.460
Okay, great. Any questions about flirting any questions about anything? I just shared with you

645
00:44:42.020 --> 00:44:44.020
any questions about

646
00:44:44.220 --> 00:44:47.340
Any trouble with any of the things I just shared?

647
00:44:49.420 --> 00:44:51.420
You find it incredibly challenging

648
00:44:52.940 --> 00:44:55.860
Those questions are welcome now go ahead Rachel

649
00:44:56.620 --> 00:44:59.620
You

650
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:18.240
I think for me, it's the certainty part, it's the struggle, yeah, and I'm wondering if it's,

651
00:45:18.240 --> 00:45:24.360
I mean, I shared a little bit already with you, I'm wondering if it's just the constant

652
00:45:24.360 --> 00:45:32.320
uncertainty of like childhood that, and I'm seeing that the certainty is also like a form

653
00:45:32.320 --> 00:45:44.160
of control, so yeah, I think that's the part that can be difficult.

654
00:45:44.160 --> 00:45:49.240
Certainty is difficult, it's one of the skills you have to balance in dating, it's not just

655
00:45:49.240 --> 00:45:55.680
some people, it's most all people. Curiosity, being curious, it causes, it requires a level

656
00:45:55.680 --> 00:46:05.800
of vulnerability, and it takes you just waiting, and you want to know, and after you have a certain

657
00:46:05.800 --> 00:46:11.840
number of experiences, there's a part of you that's like, look, I don't really, I'm going

658
00:46:11.840 --> 00:46:16.560
through all this with this person or whatever, but certainty is hard, it's not just for you,

659
00:46:16.640 --> 00:46:21.240
certainty is hard for most all peoples. If I, certainty is hard for me,

660
00:46:21.240 --> 00:46:26.760
certainty versus curiosity is challenging for me, and so because it's challenging for me,

661
00:46:26.760 --> 00:46:33.480
I put things in place to help me, like I talk to more than one person, I limit how much I talk

662
00:46:33.480 --> 00:46:39.080
on the phone to a person, I structure my time differently, I give them less access to me,

663
00:46:39.080 --> 00:46:42.080
the more access you give to a person, the more certainty you're going to want,

664
00:46:42.080 --> 00:46:47.360
because greater access means you're sharing more of yourself, and so those people enjoy

665
00:46:47.360 --> 00:46:50.960
talking to them all the time, you have to realize that you're giving more access,

666
00:46:50.960 --> 00:46:57.040
more access, more of your time, you're going to expect something in return, you're going to expect

667
00:46:57.040 --> 00:47:02.000
some level of certainty, and so it's a balance, because when you first start talking to a person,

668
00:47:02.000 --> 00:47:06.120
you enjoy getting to know them, and so you take that first weekend, you get phone wasted,

669
00:47:06.200 --> 00:47:11.560
you enjoy that, and then the next week, start restructuring your time,

670
00:47:12.680 --> 00:47:17.080
and you can clearly say, like, hey, we really enjoyed our first week, it was so much fun,

671
00:47:17.080 --> 00:47:21.080
like binging, getting to know you, but I'm going to structure my time a little different this

672
00:47:21.080 --> 00:47:25.480
weekend, moving forward, because I want to keep the pace well, so that we can get to know each

673
00:47:25.480 --> 00:47:30.440
other, and at any point that either one of us needs to pull away, I want to make it a safe place to do

674
00:47:30.440 --> 00:47:39.400
so, and that's clarity, and that's kindness, and that's what it is, and they call, say, yeah,

675
00:47:39.400 --> 00:47:43.000
I saw you call, I want to chat with you, but I don't know if you remember, but I told you that

676
00:47:43.000 --> 00:47:46.840
I was trying to pace things well, and so though I was tempted to answer for you, I had to go ahead

677
00:47:46.840 --> 00:47:52.600
and pass up on that phone call, because I really want us to pace well, and you're a really likable

678
00:47:52.600 --> 00:47:57.720
guy, and so I know you can see why I must do this. Yeah, see.

679
00:48:01.800 --> 00:48:06.040
Anything else, Rachel, do you want me to give you some feedback, because your hand was already

680
00:48:06.040 --> 00:48:12.200
up before that. I mean, we can start here, and then whatever you want to add later, you can.

681
00:48:13.080 --> 00:48:20.360
Okay, one of the things that I was most concerned about, and one of the things that I'm most

682
00:48:20.360 --> 00:48:25.960
concerned about, I wasn't sure if you understand the point about

683
00:48:29.160 --> 00:48:33.080
understanding that you're not on a team with him, you're on a team with the Lord,

684
00:48:33.080 --> 00:48:37.080
and I kept seeing a lot of language of we are going to decide, we are going to decide,

685
00:48:37.080 --> 00:48:44.520
we are going to decide, we, we, we, we, we. There is no we. We cannot afford to allow,

686
00:48:44.520 --> 00:48:52.280
and this is just general coaching, allow for, Mika, I'm so sorry. I'm back, Rachel,

687
00:48:52.280 --> 00:48:57.640
don't be, please don't be offended with me. Mika, oh my goodness, it's like seeing a superstar.

688
00:48:57.640 --> 00:49:08.520
What in the world? Okay. When you make we decisions, you are kind of almost at the mercy

689
00:49:08.520 --> 00:49:12.680
of that person, and you believe that they're going to do what's best for you. No, you're going to do

690
00:49:12.680 --> 00:49:23.160
what's best for you. Everybody has their own, their own motivation. Okay. And so I was concerned

691
00:49:23.160 --> 00:49:29.480
about how much we, and I wanted to reiterate that part that there's not a we, and that as long as

692
00:49:29.480 --> 00:49:36.840
you stay in we, you're not really evaluating what that person is saying to you because you still

693
00:49:36.840 --> 00:49:42.040
believe that you're on a team with them. Now, it's going to require some grief for you to release

694
00:49:42.040 --> 00:49:50.200
yourself from a we, but the things that were said already are very clear. But when you, because you

695
00:49:50.200 --> 00:49:55.960
put yourself back in the we, it's like you're not remembering all those things. The part about

696
00:49:55.960 --> 00:49:59.800
children, which was very clear.

697
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.120
then if that is a thing, and you are your age where you are,

698
00:50:04.120 --> 00:50:05.400
of course you want children.

699
00:50:05.400 --> 00:50:07.680
But they've made it very clear that that's not

700
00:50:07.680 --> 00:50:15.400
what they desire, right?

701
00:50:15.400 --> 00:50:19.720
And so we is putting you in jeopardy of seeing the picture

702
00:50:19.720 --> 00:50:21.040
very clearly.

703
00:50:21.040 --> 00:50:24.280
And it's your advantage to see what you're seeing

704
00:50:24.280 --> 00:50:27.200
and make decisions that put you in a position

705
00:50:27.200 --> 00:50:30.200
that a person will see that if they want you,

706
00:50:30.200 --> 00:50:32.840
you also have a standard.

707
00:50:32.840 --> 00:50:34.520
And there are also things that you're not

708
00:50:34.520 --> 00:50:36.120
going to let fly by.

709
00:50:36.120 --> 00:50:39.280
And then when somebody says that you're unwanted in any way,

710
00:50:39.280 --> 00:50:41.560
I'm going to take your word until you find out

711
00:50:41.560 --> 00:50:43.520
that you do want me.

712
00:50:43.520 --> 00:50:46.240
Because it's a privilege to have me in your life.

713
00:50:46.240 --> 00:50:49.200
We're not we until we say I do.

714
00:50:49.200 --> 00:50:50.680
OK.

715
00:50:50.680 --> 00:50:54.560
Right, and so there's a requirement,

716
00:50:54.560 --> 00:50:57.240
there's a standard that you have.

717
00:50:57.240 --> 00:51:00.400
And that is I'm walking with your all in.

718
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:02.920
And I'll do the dismissing.

719
00:51:02.920 --> 00:51:07.600
Not in a prideful way, but I'll remove myself.

720
00:51:07.600 --> 00:51:10.040
So that was just part of it, understanding

721
00:51:10.040 --> 00:51:12.640
that if you will separate a lot of things,

722
00:51:12.640 --> 00:51:16.240
you won't need as much clarity.

723
00:51:16.240 --> 00:51:20.640
Because there's a lot of clarity that's already there.

724
00:51:20.640 --> 00:51:23.040
But we is stopping you from seeing it.

725
00:51:23.040 --> 00:51:28.640
Because as soon as he changes his answer, and now, oh, OK.

726
00:51:28.640 --> 00:51:32.520
Then you jump over to that way, right?

727
00:51:32.520 --> 00:51:36.120
But we can't forget everything that was already said.

728
00:51:38.800 --> 00:51:41.640
When people say about how they feel or whatever they do,

729
00:51:41.640 --> 00:51:42.760
that's still a real thing.

730
00:51:42.760 --> 00:51:46.440
Even if they go back and regroup, that was said.

731
00:51:46.440 --> 00:51:48.160
That was thought.

732
00:51:48.160 --> 00:51:49.880
What is that about and where did it go?

733
00:51:50.360 --> 00:51:52.880
Yeah.

734
00:51:52.880 --> 00:51:54.240
And so there.

735
00:51:54.240 --> 00:51:57.120
And so I'll respond.

736
00:51:57.120 --> 00:51:59.760
How can I?

737
00:51:59.760 --> 00:52:04.360
Is there any practical tips on how to?

738
00:52:04.360 --> 00:52:08.400
I think the part I'm struggling most with is my heart.

739
00:52:08.400 --> 00:52:16.000
I feel the pain.

740
00:52:16.040 --> 00:52:17.120
I don't know how to.

741
00:52:23.400 --> 00:52:25.040
I don't know how to deal with my heart.

742
00:52:25.040 --> 00:52:29.200
I mean, besides praying, is there anything?

743
00:52:29.200 --> 00:52:30.200
Yeah.

744
00:52:30.200 --> 00:52:32.280
Praying always helps, and I don't mean to say that.

745
00:52:32.280 --> 00:52:33.880
But there's a practical side, right?

746
00:52:33.880 --> 00:52:35.520
The practical.

747
00:52:35.520 --> 00:52:39.720
I need practical tips because it's really hard.

748
00:52:39.720 --> 00:52:42.160
Yeah, you can't escape it.

749
00:52:42.160 --> 00:52:43.520
It's going to hurt.

750
00:52:43.520 --> 00:52:45.520
That's a part of dating.

751
00:52:45.520 --> 00:52:47.200
That's a part of investing.

752
00:52:47.200 --> 00:52:48.360
There's no way around it.

753
00:52:48.360 --> 00:52:51.440
I wish I could give you a way around it, but it's not.

754
00:52:51.440 --> 00:52:53.640
I don't like it either.

755
00:52:53.640 --> 00:52:54.520
OK.

756
00:52:54.520 --> 00:52:55.480
Yeah, you're going to.

757
00:52:55.480 --> 00:52:56.720
Yeah, Roberta said it.

758
00:52:56.720 --> 00:52:58.800
You're going to have to grieve that it's not happening like

759
00:52:58.800 --> 00:53:00.720
you think or that you want it.

760
00:53:00.720 --> 00:53:02.960
You really have to grieve if you're going to.

761
00:53:02.960 --> 00:53:04.120
So this is a part.

762
00:53:04.120 --> 00:53:06.040
When you if you step away completely,

763
00:53:06.040 --> 00:53:09.160
you have to grieve what you hope to be.

764
00:53:09.160 --> 00:53:10.960
Like there are parts that have to be grieved,

765
00:53:10.960 --> 00:53:13.400
and you have to let your heart know,

766
00:53:13.400 --> 00:53:19.280
let yourself know that these tears are just.

767
00:53:19.280 --> 00:53:21.200
This sadness is justified.

768
00:53:21.200 --> 00:53:23.000
It's a part of the process.

769
00:53:23.000 --> 00:53:25.160
And you don't have a problem with allowing

770
00:53:25.160 --> 00:53:27.840
yourself to feel the sadness.

771
00:53:27.840 --> 00:53:30.920
And so you give your body permission to grieve.

772
00:53:30.920 --> 00:53:33.960
Instead of suppressing it or telling it to go away,

773
00:53:33.960 --> 00:53:35.680
just say, I know it hurts.

774
00:53:35.680 --> 00:53:36.560
Let's just grieve.

775
00:53:39.960 --> 00:53:42.960
But now, if you stay tight in that we part,

776
00:53:43.800 --> 00:53:48.240
and it's hard for me to form an answer to share with you,

777
00:53:48.240 --> 00:53:51.000
writing it down, if you stay with we,

778
00:53:51.000 --> 00:53:52.720
this is just the beginning of the grief.

779
00:53:52.720 --> 00:53:54.200
You're going to grieve more.

780
00:53:54.200 --> 00:53:57.520
Because when you go with we, you're jumping on their time.

781
00:53:57.520 --> 00:54:00.280
You're going along with whatever they say.

782
00:54:00.280 --> 00:54:02.160
And when they let you down again,

783
00:54:02.160 --> 00:54:07.120
and they will, because you are giving them the permission

784
00:54:07.120 --> 00:54:10.320
to make decisions for you.

785
00:54:10.320 --> 00:54:11.640
Yeah.

786
00:54:11.640 --> 00:54:13.040
They can't make decisions.

787
00:54:13.040 --> 00:54:15.480
Your power is going to come from you making a decision

788
00:54:15.480 --> 00:54:19.480
and saying, I don't care how bad it hurt.

789
00:54:19.480 --> 00:54:22.240
Your unsurety, you not being sure.

790
00:54:22.240 --> 00:54:24.760
I'm not riding this train.

791
00:54:24.760 --> 00:54:26.880
So let the chips fall where they may.

792
00:54:26.880 --> 00:54:29.400
I'm going to take me a month sabbatical, 30 days.

793
00:54:29.400 --> 00:54:31.440
And I know you need 30 days.

794
00:54:31.440 --> 00:54:33.360
30 days will break some stuff.

795
00:54:33.360 --> 00:54:35.480
I am telling you, 30 days breaks.

796
00:54:38.200 --> 00:54:39.800
You come back stronger.

797
00:54:39.800 --> 00:54:41.600
You have your senses about yourself.

798
00:54:42.560 --> 00:54:43.440
You get grounded.

799
00:54:43.440 --> 00:54:45.880
And then you start hearing what you didn't want to hear

800
00:54:45.880 --> 00:54:47.200
because you were fighting it.

801
00:54:50.920 --> 00:54:53.840
Because we keep saying, well, I'm going to ask this question.

802
00:54:53.840 --> 00:54:54.680
I want clarity about this.

803
00:54:54.680 --> 00:54:55.440
I'm going to ask this question.

804
00:54:55.440 --> 00:54:56.200
I want clarity about this.

805
00:54:56.200 --> 00:54:56.960
I'm going to ask this question.

806
00:54:56.960 --> 00:54:58.080
I want clarity about this.

807
00:54:58.080 --> 00:55:01.160
You have the clarity that you need.

808
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:11.840
But you're not allowing that truth to stand for you because you want to hold on to, you

809
00:55:11.840 --> 00:55:15.080
want to salvage it over those things that you believe that we're going to be.

810
00:55:15.080 --> 00:55:19.600
There's nothing wrong with it.

811
00:55:19.600 --> 00:55:23.080
Are you, is that resonating with you?

812
00:55:23.080 --> 00:55:24.080
What I'm saying, Rachel?

813
00:55:24.080 --> 00:55:37.360
I think, I think, yeah, I think, I think it's the grieving of what I thought it would have

814
00:55:37.360 --> 00:55:38.360
been.

815
00:55:38.360 --> 00:55:39.360
Yeah.

816
00:55:39.360 --> 00:55:40.360
Yeah.

817
00:55:40.360 --> 00:55:41.360
It's nothing.

818
00:55:41.360 --> 00:55:42.360
Yeah.

819
00:55:42.360 --> 00:55:50.120
And it's okay to grieve it.

820
00:55:50.120 --> 00:55:54.600
Sometimes like what I said to you, when you simply say to your body, you say, Hey, I know

821
00:55:54.600 --> 00:55:55.600
this hurts.

822
00:55:55.600 --> 00:55:57.680
Let's grieve it.

823
00:55:57.680 --> 00:56:03.080
Like literally that those words come out of your mouth and you're going to cry and you've

824
00:56:03.080 --> 00:56:06.720
given yourself permission to do it.

825
00:56:06.720 --> 00:56:07.880
Yeah.

826
00:56:07.880 --> 00:56:13.400
I'm giving you permission to hurt because this hurt and this is hard.

827
00:56:13.400 --> 00:56:15.960
Let's just sit with this.

828
00:56:15.960 --> 00:56:22.800
Realizing what you're experiencing helps you more than you know, because you can actually

829
00:56:22.800 --> 00:56:26.280
wipe your eyes, wipe their tears and get up.

830
00:56:26.280 --> 00:56:29.520
And then the next day when it comes again, you just sit back down and say, yeah, this

831
00:56:29.520 --> 00:56:30.520
is tough.

832
00:56:30.520 --> 00:56:32.840
Then you have to grieve not talking to the person every day.

833
00:56:32.840 --> 00:56:34.120
You have to grieve not seeing them.

834
00:56:34.120 --> 00:56:35.680
You have to grieve not planning dates.

835
00:56:35.680 --> 00:56:38.200
You have to grieve not seeing the text message.

836
00:56:38.200 --> 00:56:42.680
Like all of these different things, they are a real part of the story.

837
00:56:43.680 --> 00:56:44.680
Yeah.

838
00:56:44.680 --> 00:56:45.680
Yeah.

839
00:56:45.680 --> 00:56:48.800
And you, you may not be completely there yet.

840
00:56:48.800 --> 00:56:56.840
And so I will make some more, um, some comments, but thank you.

841
00:56:56.840 --> 00:56:57.840
You're welcome.

842
00:56:57.840 --> 00:56:58.840
I'm so sorry.

843
00:56:58.840 --> 00:57:08.680
If I could express to you in words how much I don't like it, but I, uh, it's like that

844
00:57:08.680 --> 00:57:15.840
when you have to grit your teeth, like, uh, yeah, I am.

845
00:57:15.840 --> 00:57:17.840
I have a conversation tomorrow.

846
00:57:17.840 --> 00:57:32.120
Um, I mean, I told you what I already sent yesterday, but I, but I think, I think it's,

847
00:57:32.120 --> 00:57:35.880
I think my desire is to still keep the friendship.

848
00:57:35.880 --> 00:57:37.320
That's my personal desire.

849
00:57:37.480 --> 00:57:40.480
Um, I just don't know.

850
00:57:40.480 --> 00:57:46.160
I think I need to grieve what I thought, you know, beyond the friendship, I think I need

851
00:57:46.160 --> 00:57:52.680
to grieve and see what my heart can sustain, but I can't make that decision until I'm past

852
00:57:52.680 --> 00:57:53.680
that part.

853
00:57:53.680 --> 00:57:54.680
If that makes sense.

854
00:57:54.680 --> 00:57:55.680
Yeah.

855
00:57:55.680 --> 00:58:03.320
Um, like in the moment, this is what I desire, but beyond that, I don't know, I don't know

856
00:58:04.320 --> 00:58:09.760
Um, like in the moment, this is what I desire, but maybe 30 days from now it might be like,

857
00:58:09.760 --> 00:58:10.760
Oh no, I'm fine.

858
00:58:10.760 --> 00:58:13.440
Like, I don't, I don't need that anymore.

859
00:58:13.440 --> 00:58:15.480
You know what I mean?

860
00:58:15.480 --> 00:58:24.400
Um, so I think it's standing in the in between of like, okay, this is what I want for me

861
00:58:24.400 --> 00:58:26.840
personally.

862
00:58:26.840 --> 00:58:32.400
But then in 30 days after I grieve and everything, it's like, Rachel is back and I'm like, okay,

863
00:58:32.480 --> 00:58:33.480
I don't know.

864
00:58:33.480 --> 00:58:34.480
Just come by.

865
00:58:34.480 --> 00:58:35.480
Yeah.

866
00:58:35.480 --> 00:58:36.480
Like, I just gotta keep going.

867
00:58:36.480 --> 00:58:37.480
You know what I mean?

868
00:58:37.480 --> 00:58:38.480
So yeah, I don't know.

869
00:58:38.480 --> 00:58:39.480
Yeah.

870
00:58:39.480 --> 00:58:40.480
I don't know.

871
00:58:40.480 --> 00:58:46.120
I think that the friendship is totally salvageable, um, but I wouldn't concern myself with it because

872
00:58:46.120 --> 00:58:50.640
if the friendship can be there, it's going to be there.

873
00:58:50.640 --> 00:58:51.840
You don't have to hold onto it.

874
00:58:51.840 --> 00:59:01.600
It's gonna, it's gonna remain, um, what I was going to say to you is that, um, a lot

875
00:59:01.600 --> 00:59:05.920
of the questions that you have, I know you feel like they're going to make you feel better

876
00:59:05.920 --> 00:59:09.040
and you may, but I think they're completely unnecessary.

877
00:59:09.040 --> 00:59:14.160
I believe that you have all the information that you need to make a decision.

878
00:59:14.160 --> 00:59:18.680
But I understand when we feel like what we ask will give us closure and make us feel

879
00:59:18.680 --> 00:59:19.680
better.

880
00:59:19.680 --> 00:59:29.440
Um, and so if I were, I would encourage you to recollect what we talked about, what you

881
00:59:29.440 --> 00:59:34.880
do know, and then look back at your questions and see if you're like trying to like grab

882
00:59:34.880 --> 00:59:41.680
for some assurance, grab something that, that is not there to be grabbed for when you understand

883
00:59:41.680 --> 00:59:52.160
you already have the answers because what he's saying is what he's saying.

884
00:59:52.160 --> 00:59:57.680
And so I will re-evaluate a lot of your questions to see if you really do know the answer.

885
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.520
Yeah, and so the reason why I believe that your friendship is still can still be intact

886
01:00:06.520 --> 01:00:11.520
is because it's not like you dated this person and now y'all saying, let's be friends.

887
01:00:11.520 --> 01:00:15.000
No, that stuff don't work right there because as soon as you get a real, as soon as you

888
01:00:15.000 --> 01:00:17.200
get a man, everybody will say, we're just going to be friends.

889
01:00:17.200 --> 01:00:19.480
As soon as you get a man, you're going to cut him out.

890
01:00:19.480 --> 01:00:24.000
You already know you're going to cut him out because you're using him for something else.

891
01:00:24.000 --> 01:00:26.480
You're just holding on to, well, let's just be friends.

892
01:00:26.480 --> 01:00:29.840
Come on now, come on people.

893
01:00:29.840 --> 01:00:35.040
But with him, you could, when you, when you date your next person, you can easily say

894
01:00:35.040 --> 01:00:37.960
to the person you're dating, I'm like, yeah, this is my friend.

895
01:00:37.960 --> 01:00:42.800
We tried dating before, but it didn't work out.

896
01:00:42.800 --> 01:00:43.880
And it's the true thing.

897
01:00:43.880 --> 01:00:47.280
He was your friend many years before this.

898
01:00:47.280 --> 01:00:49.080
And so you don't have to fight the hold on to it.

899
01:00:49.080 --> 01:00:51.040
If their friendship is going to be there, it's going to be there.

900
01:00:51.040 --> 01:00:55.560
And if it's gone, it's gone.

901
01:00:55.560 --> 01:00:57.360
And so that's, that's okay.

902
01:00:57.360 --> 01:01:01.880
You'll get a chance to grieve it, but don't grieve it right now.

903
01:01:01.880 --> 01:01:02.880
Thank you, Ebony.

904
01:01:02.880 --> 01:01:05.200
I'll wait for whatever else.

905
01:01:05.200 --> 01:01:08.400
I'll wait for you, whatever else you have later.

906
01:01:08.400 --> 01:01:09.400
Okay.

907
01:01:09.400 --> 01:01:10.400
All right.

908
01:01:10.400 --> 01:01:11.400
Sounds good.

909
01:01:11.400 --> 01:01:12.400
Tiffany.

910
01:01:12.400 --> 01:01:13.400
Hello.

911
01:01:13.400 --> 01:01:14.400
Hello.

912
01:01:14.400 --> 01:01:16.560
Green is your color.

913
01:01:16.560 --> 01:01:18.280
You look so pretty in green.

914
01:01:18.280 --> 01:01:19.280
Thank you.

915
01:01:19.280 --> 01:01:22.280
It is my favorite color.

916
01:01:23.280 --> 01:01:36.040
So when you were talking about performance, that really kind of struck a nerve because

917
01:01:36.040 --> 01:01:45.000
I'm in that place where it's like, I literally, so Chevello and I are still seeing each other.

918
01:01:45.000 --> 01:01:50.880
And we had a conversation on Sunday and he was like, I really hope that you'll get to

919
01:01:50.880 --> 01:01:58.160
a place where you don't have to try so hard.

920
01:01:58.160 --> 01:02:08.280
That was not easy to hear because it is, I am completely comfortable in our relationship.

921
01:02:08.280 --> 01:02:10.560
I know how he feels about me.

922
01:02:10.560 --> 01:02:15.320
I know how he has been consistent over the last several months.

923
01:02:15.320 --> 01:02:21.440
Like a lot of those things.

924
01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:25.320
And when we're having normal days, things are super cool.

925
01:02:25.320 --> 01:02:30.480
And I am just like, I feel very chill and just confident and very stable.

926
01:02:30.480 --> 01:02:32.600
And I know it's not because of my relationship.

927
01:02:32.600 --> 01:02:35.360
I know I'm good.

928
01:02:35.360 --> 01:02:42.200
But when life happens and I'm busy or he's busy or whatever the case may be, and maybe

929
01:02:42.360 --> 01:02:48.720
we're not having communication or whatever, and it's not a problem, but there's a little

930
01:02:48.720 --> 01:02:56.680
bit of silence or a little bit of whatever, whatever it is, space, even though it's not

931
01:02:56.680 --> 01:02:59.800
like a bad space.

932
01:02:59.800 --> 01:03:07.800
I am seeing myself almost trying to manufacture the connection.

933
01:03:07.800 --> 01:03:20.280
I am finding reasons to text him stupid stuff and he's being gracious and will respond.

934
01:03:20.280 --> 01:03:27.760
But after a little bit of it, it's like, we both know this isn't intentional.

935
01:03:27.760 --> 01:03:30.040
This is just, and I feel it.

936
01:03:30.040 --> 01:03:33.600
I feel it in myself and I know that's what I'm doing.

937
01:03:33.600 --> 01:03:39.720
And so today I know that he's been hit with a whole lot of life stuff.

938
01:03:39.720 --> 01:03:43.200
And so he has been a little less communicative.

939
01:03:43.200 --> 01:03:44.680
Oh, I'm sorry.

940
01:03:44.680 --> 01:03:45.680
I muted you.

941
01:03:45.680 --> 01:03:50.640
I was trying to meet somebody else if I didn't realize I was going to meet you too.

942
01:03:50.640 --> 01:03:51.640
Wait.

943
01:03:51.640 --> 01:03:52.640
Okay.

944
01:03:52.640 --> 01:03:53.640
Is that about it?

945
01:03:53.640 --> 01:03:54.640
A whole lot of life stuff.

946
01:03:54.640 --> 01:03:55.640
Sorry.

947
01:03:55.640 --> 01:03:58.640
He's been hit with a whole lot of life stuff.

948
01:03:58.640 --> 01:04:02.040
So today he was a little more quiet than normal.

949
01:04:02.040 --> 01:04:03.240
I was busy.

950
01:04:03.240 --> 01:04:14.440
So shouldn't have been a problem, but I kept finding myself going, okay, I'm not that person.

951
01:04:14.440 --> 01:04:17.080
I'm not that way.

952
01:04:17.080 --> 01:04:19.200
So what the heck is this?

953
01:04:19.200 --> 01:04:27.680
And I know some of it is, some of this is still like the Lord is still helping me reprogram

954
01:04:27.680 --> 01:04:30.120
and I'm seeing a ton of growth.

955
01:04:30.120 --> 01:04:31.400
Today was the first day.

956
01:04:31.400 --> 01:04:38.560
It was really encouraging because I could see like, oh, I made it almost all day without

957
01:04:38.560 --> 01:04:41.280
starting to feel the unravel.

958
01:04:41.280 --> 01:04:45.160
But then I started feeling it.

959
01:04:45.160 --> 01:04:49.920
What the heck?

960
01:04:49.920 --> 01:04:54.840
What day or week are y'all on in this relationship?

961
01:04:54.840 --> 01:04:58.480
Next Sunday will be three and a half months.

962
01:04:58.480 --> 01:05:00.040
So I say that.

963
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.560
I, and I don't know if you remember from our one-on-one a while back, we are,

964
01:05:04.600 --> 01:05:09.920
we have kind of, we, we ran and went way too fast.

965
01:05:10.640 --> 01:05:15.760
And so we're in this process of like, we didn't have the infrastructure

966
01:05:15.880 --> 01:05:17.480
to handle where we were.

967
01:05:18.240 --> 01:05:23.840
And so we're in that kind of rebuilding foundation.

968
01:05:24.280 --> 01:05:29.880
And so we're still, we're still fully committed.

969
01:05:29.880 --> 01:05:31.200
We're still all of those things.

970
01:05:31.200 --> 01:05:38.760
We are exclusive, but it's, and that's part of it too, is this trusting,

971
01:05:40.200 --> 01:05:43.160
trusting God's rebuilding that foundation.

972
01:05:43.240 --> 01:05:48.240
And that, if I'm really brutally honest, that sucks.

973
01:05:49.160 --> 01:05:53.200
I don't like this part because I feel like we're at three.

974
01:06:03.360 --> 01:06:05.120
We're at three and a half months.

975
01:06:08.560 --> 01:06:13.120
And I, I thought it would look different.

976
01:06:13.800 --> 01:06:15.520
I wanted it to look different.

977
01:06:18.520 --> 01:06:24.120
And we're both feeling it, but we also know, like, we haven't introduced each

978
01:06:24.120 --> 01:06:30.400
other to family or friends and that's hard.

979
01:06:30.440 --> 01:06:31.920
That's been really hard.

980
01:06:32.400 --> 01:06:36.360
And I've told him like, I want to be a part of your world.

981
01:06:36.400 --> 01:06:38.960
I want you to feel like you're a part of mine.

982
01:06:39.560 --> 01:06:46.800
But at the same time, it's also, we're still trying to, his schedule is, is just

983
01:06:47.120 --> 01:06:53.680
a lot, and I knew that going in, but I guess I didn't realize how much of an

984
01:06:53.680 --> 01:06:59.240
effect, like we don't have normal dating time, like it would normally look because

985
01:06:59.240 --> 01:07:08.040
of him working in school and another job also, and so we're still building that

986
01:07:08.040 --> 01:07:12.680
foundation and I get it, but it's still.

987
01:07:16.800 --> 01:07:18.400
It just looks very different.

988
01:07:19.000 --> 01:07:20.840
No, I want you to finish this statement.

989
01:07:20.920 --> 01:07:26.240
It's still not, it's painful.

990
01:07:29.640 --> 01:07:30.000
Yeah.

991
01:07:31.520 --> 01:07:33.480
It sounds like it's not enough for you.

992
01:07:42.640 --> 01:07:43.760
It feels like it.

993
01:07:47.080 --> 01:07:52.920
But I don't know, like, do I need, like, is that wrong to say that?

994
01:07:54.760 --> 01:07:56.600
No, it's not wrong to say that.

995
01:07:56.720 --> 01:08:05.000
What's happening is you believe that some parts, you're believing that

996
01:08:05.000 --> 01:08:06.680
these triggers are coming from you.

997
01:08:06.720 --> 01:08:10.320
I wouldn't call it a trigger, but this desire for this closeness and that

998
01:08:10.320 --> 01:08:16.000
you're operating out of anxiousness, but you're not, you need more connection.

999
01:08:17.399 --> 01:08:21.120
And so when you keep telling yourself, but I understand, but I understand,

1000
01:08:21.120 --> 01:08:26.359
but I understand, logically you understand, but emotionally to build

1001
01:08:26.359 --> 01:08:28.520
a relationship, you need more connection.

1002
01:08:28.520 --> 01:08:29.920
Yes, you understand he has schools.

1003
01:08:29.920 --> 01:08:31.120
Yes, you understand he has this.

1004
01:08:31.120 --> 01:08:34.880
Yes, you understand he has that, but y'all also need time.

1005
01:08:37.840 --> 01:08:42.880
And so right now you're holding on to a text message and a phone call, right?

1006
01:08:43.120 --> 01:08:43.640
Right.

1007
01:08:44.600 --> 01:08:46.960
We see each other about once a week.

1008
01:08:47.000 --> 01:08:55.319
So, I mean, it's not like we're not seeing each other, but it's, it's a couple of

1009
01:08:55.319 --> 01:08:58.760
hours it's, and I mean, I don't know.

1010
01:08:58.760 --> 01:08:59.640
Is that enough?

1011
01:09:00.560 --> 01:09:01.800
Cause I want more.

1012
01:09:02.000 --> 01:09:03.240
I mean, I'm just going to be honest.

1013
01:09:03.240 --> 01:09:05.279
Like I want more, right.

1014
01:09:06.319 --> 01:09:11.560
And we talk like, it's this weird thing of like, we have times where it's like,

1015
01:09:11.560 --> 01:09:16.080
we're talking a lot for many days in a row.

1016
01:09:16.080 --> 01:09:19.240
And then it's like, it's almost like we've gone too much.

1017
01:09:19.240 --> 01:09:22.560
And it's like, Oh my gosh, have you ever talked to somebody so much?

1018
01:09:22.560 --> 01:09:25.479
And you're like, okay, I need to breathe for a minute.

1019
01:09:27.600 --> 01:09:32.080
That's we've kind of been in that cycle where we do that to each other.

1020
01:09:32.080 --> 01:09:36.960
And the nice part is we kind of get there together without even saying it.

1021
01:09:37.080 --> 01:09:41.319
And we both kind of take a breath, but then it's like that cycle

1022
01:09:41.319 --> 01:09:46.520
is weird, but I feel it.

1023
01:09:47.160 --> 01:09:51.279
I need that breath because I've pushed too far.

1024
01:09:51.279 --> 01:09:53.520
He's, you know, we're like, we've just gone.

1025
01:09:55.160 --> 01:09:58.960
We just talk so much and that's, I want the connection.

1026
01:09:58.960 --> 01:10:00.000
So why is that?

1027
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:09.360
thing. Is he avoided? Do you feel like you fit into his world on his time?

1028
01:10:12.560 --> 01:10:17.440
That you're always available but it's his time so you fit in his world on his time.

1029
01:10:18.800 --> 01:10:23.360
Yes. Whenever we have to fit into a person's world on their time we're going to always feel

1030
01:10:23.360 --> 01:10:28.320
like we're reaching and the time that we get is never enough because everything is about their

1031
01:10:28.320 --> 01:10:32.160
time and their rules and their world and you're just trying to find a place to fit.

1032
01:10:34.800 --> 01:10:38.960
And so it leaves you in a constant state of a deficit even though like I know we talked

1033
01:10:38.960 --> 01:10:44.160
and it was so good. It was so good but it just seems like it's not enough. That's because you're

1034
01:10:44.160 --> 01:10:49.680
having to fit into their world and their schedule. It's not freedom and open. It's when they have

1035
01:10:49.680 --> 01:10:54.160
time. We're always working around your schedule, your schedule, your schedule. Is that a thing?

1036
01:10:54.160 --> 01:11:02.160
Yes and then no which sounds weird because then there's times where like every moment that he has

1037
01:11:03.760 --> 01:11:10.240
even if it's five minutes like he's making the effort to call to make that connection but it's

1038
01:11:11.280 --> 01:11:17.360
like that for a minute and then it's like this pullback for several days and then it's like

1039
01:11:17.360 --> 01:11:25.360
all in again and so it's like I don't know how to regulate to that like I don't know how to.

1040
01:11:26.960 --> 01:11:34.720
Okay so how long is this kind of schedule going to be? Just until the end of August. Okay you're

1041
01:11:34.720 --> 01:11:40.320
in July and you're gonna have to tough it out until the end of August and let's see what the

1042
01:11:40.320 --> 01:11:44.560
structure is going to be like. You can make a decision and you're not going to walk away because

1043
01:11:44.560 --> 01:11:48.320
you believe he doesn't have time for a relationship. That's the only other option. He doesn't have time

1044
01:11:48.320 --> 01:11:52.320
for a relationship or he's not giving you enough or showing up the way that you want to. You have

1045
01:11:52.320 --> 01:11:57.600
the right to walk away because of that. Whatever you believe but but but you still have a right

1046
01:11:57.600 --> 01:12:07.600
to say this is not enough for me. Okay okay so if you're not going to walk away and then you're

1047
01:12:07.600 --> 01:12:13.840
going to have to ride this out until the end of August and see what a structured relationship

1048
01:12:13.840 --> 01:12:20.640
would look like for you all. If you're willing to accept this is where he is and this is what's

1049
01:12:20.640 --> 01:12:28.720
happening because what you're saying what I'm hearing you say is this not enough.

1050
01:12:35.360 --> 01:12:41.680
I feel like it is and it isn't which is no matter how you feel what you're telling me is not enough.

1051
01:12:42.640 --> 01:12:47.440
So you may be going back and forth but I'm not going back and forth because I hear you.

1052
01:12:49.040 --> 01:12:55.600
It's not the design you had in mind. It's not the setup you had in mind and because it's not any of

1053
01:12:55.600 --> 01:13:00.800
those things it's not enough. It's not your expectation. It's not what you desired.

1054
01:13:02.400 --> 01:13:07.360
I don't know what your desire is. Maybe you can write down what your desire is like I desire

1055
01:13:08.320 --> 01:13:13.120
a relationship where I call you when I get off check on you for the day it could be just a few

1056
01:13:13.120 --> 01:13:19.280
minutes and then hey we chat a little bit we get together later this week and go to dinner.

1057
01:13:19.280 --> 01:13:23.760
You may say well we already do that but clearly it's not what your expectation is.

1058
01:13:26.960 --> 01:13:29.920
Unless you are unless you want to be in his skin.

1059
01:13:32.000 --> 01:13:35.680
That's a real thing like if you have the propensity to be that

1060
01:13:35.680 --> 01:13:40.240
highly anxious but I don't know that I don't believe that's what's happening.

1061
01:13:40.240 --> 01:13:47.280
But the more the less access you have to a person it will literally cause you to be even more

1062
01:13:47.280 --> 01:13:55.280
anxious. So like that's the thing like you could be wanting more like it could make you operate

1063
01:13:55.280 --> 01:14:03.440
more and more anxiously when you don't have that full access. I do want to say this um

1064
01:14:06.640 --> 01:14:14.080
What was I going to say? I really um you know to rebuild a relationship you say you know well

1065
01:14:14.080 --> 01:14:19.360
and God's doing it this way. Listen that's not a okay.

1066
01:14:22.400 --> 01:14:28.080
Just say it. If you're rebuilding it's not a God thing. You're rebuilding and you need a strategy

1067
01:14:28.080 --> 01:14:34.640
and a plan and I don't hear a strategy and a plan for rebuilding. So that means you're just winging

1068
01:14:34.640 --> 01:14:42.720
it. So it doesn't mean that you slow down your pacing which is good but if we're going back

1069
01:14:42.720 --> 01:14:48.640
I think you lack strategy. You don't see the end the outcome. What is this unto?

1070
01:14:50.560 --> 01:14:57.520
Yeah you see what I'm saying? Relationships are marriages are institutions. Relationships

1071
01:14:57.520 --> 01:14:59.680
are interstitial. They have structure.

1072
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.820
they, they, they, you have skills at play.

1073
01:15:04.820 --> 01:15:06.400
Things are happening.

1074
01:15:06.400 --> 01:15:09.300
Like a skill is a communication skill, right?

1075
01:15:09.300 --> 01:15:12.140
Like there are things that you're putting in place

1076
01:15:12.140 --> 01:15:13.760
to restore something.

1077
01:15:15.100 --> 01:15:16.980
And if God is the one doing it,

1078
01:15:16.980 --> 01:15:18.900
then you need a strategy from God.

1079
01:15:18.900 --> 01:15:20.580
Lord, what are you doing?

1080
01:15:20.580 --> 01:15:21.700
Okay, we're slowing down.

1081
01:15:21.700 --> 01:15:22.900
Then what does that look like?

1082
01:15:22.900 --> 01:15:24.940
And maybe if you wrote out a plan

1083
01:15:24.940 --> 01:15:26.380
and he agreed to the plan,

1084
01:15:26.380 --> 01:15:28.980
you will feel safer in this process.

1085
01:15:30.580 --> 01:15:32.700
And you will actually feel like it's enough

1086
01:15:32.700 --> 01:15:34.780
or your needs are being met

1087
01:15:35.700 --> 01:15:37.660
because you actually created a plan

1088
01:15:37.660 --> 01:15:39.260
that's gonna produce an outcome.

1089
01:15:39.260 --> 01:15:41.060
Y'all are headed somewhere.

1090
01:15:41.060 --> 01:15:43.700
I'm not understanding why y'all haven't been introduced

1091
01:15:43.700 --> 01:15:45.000
to each other families.

1092
01:15:45.940 --> 01:15:48.420
What does it have to do with going back

1093
01:15:48.420 --> 01:15:50.780
to rebuild some things?

1094
01:15:50.780 --> 01:15:52.220
What is that about?

1095
01:15:52.220 --> 01:15:54.220
Now, some things are off because you,

1096
01:15:56.000 --> 01:15:57.900
you went exclusive way too early.

1097
01:15:58.760 --> 01:15:59.600
Mm-hmm.

1098
01:15:59.600 --> 01:16:00.440
You outpaced yourself.

1099
01:16:00.440 --> 01:16:02.240
Y'all didn't have the infrastructure for this.

1100
01:16:02.240 --> 01:16:03.360
Well, that's done.

1101
01:16:03.360 --> 01:16:04.960
You've done it, right?

1102
01:16:04.960 --> 01:16:07.160
I'm just not like a beat you up for it.

1103
01:16:07.160 --> 01:16:08.080
I'm just saying like,

1104
01:16:08.080 --> 01:16:09.600
there are things that are contributing

1105
01:16:09.600 --> 01:16:11.240
to what you're experiencing.

1106
01:16:11.240 --> 01:16:13.400
It's when we don't recognize those things,

1107
01:16:13.400 --> 01:16:15.000
we feel like, well, what's the problem?

1108
01:16:15.000 --> 01:16:15.820
What's the problem?

1109
01:16:15.820 --> 01:16:17.840
You stay in a constant state of confusion.

1110
01:16:17.840 --> 01:16:19.240
That's what I'm saying to you.

1111
01:16:19.240 --> 01:16:20.600
And so-

1112
01:16:20.600 --> 01:16:22.480
Like we were at that place

1113
01:16:22.480 --> 01:16:25.360
where our next step was introducing each other.

1114
01:16:25.380 --> 01:16:28.260
We were there, like we were knocking at the door.

1115
01:16:28.260 --> 01:16:33.260
And then he unexpectedly got temporary custody

1116
01:16:33.660 --> 01:16:35.540
of this 15-year-old daughter

1117
01:16:35.540 --> 01:16:39.820
that he had actually years ago signed his rights away to,

1118
01:16:39.820 --> 01:16:41.240
but the mom got on drugs.

1119
01:16:41.240 --> 01:16:42.700
It was a whole thing.

1120
01:16:42.700 --> 01:16:45.800
And so his whole world got turned upside down

1121
01:16:45.800 --> 01:16:49.300
and he got this 15-year-old girl and I couldn't be around.

1122
01:16:49.300 --> 01:16:54.300
And so that was about three weeks and it halted everything.

1123
01:16:55.120 --> 01:16:58.600
And so since, and there's still like,

1124
01:16:58.600 --> 01:17:00.960
it's not for sure done yet.

1125
01:17:00.960 --> 01:17:04.600
She's trying to be back with her mom if the mom does well.

1126
01:17:04.600 --> 01:17:06.520
And so we're kind of in limbo

1127
01:17:06.520 --> 01:17:09.240
and we're being able to enjoy time.

1128
01:17:09.240 --> 01:17:13.440
But when she's there because of the whole state thing,

1129
01:17:13.440 --> 01:17:14.840
I can't be around.

1130
01:17:14.840 --> 01:17:19.840
And so that's what, we would have already hit that point,

1131
01:17:19.920 --> 01:17:23.040
but it was right at the time that that happened

1132
01:17:23.040 --> 01:17:26.540
and it just turned everything upside down.

1133
01:17:26.540 --> 01:17:28.600
Okay, are y'all dating in community?

1134
01:17:30.460 --> 01:17:31.780
No.

1135
01:17:31.780 --> 01:17:33.740
Okay, y'all are going out on dates.

1136
01:17:33.740 --> 01:17:35.420
Go with someone that you know.

1137
01:17:36.540 --> 01:17:37.860
Go on a double date.

1138
01:17:37.860 --> 01:17:38.780
What's that about?

1139
01:17:38.780 --> 01:17:40.480
Where are y'all going on dates to?

1140
01:17:43.100 --> 01:17:45.100
Right, right.

1141
01:17:46.340 --> 01:17:48.040
I want you to ask me that, Ebony.

1142
01:17:48.740 --> 01:17:52.900
I mean, because it's after work.

1143
01:17:52.900 --> 01:17:55.300
And so it's like a 9.30 at night

1144
01:17:55.300 --> 01:17:58.180
and I'm going over there for a late dinner.

1145
01:17:58.180 --> 01:17:59.460
That's honest.

1146
01:17:59.460 --> 01:18:02.060
That's ugly honesty.

1147
01:18:02.060 --> 01:18:04.340
Well, so where's the daughter?

1148
01:18:04.340 --> 01:18:06.820
Right now she's with the mom.

1149
01:18:06.820 --> 01:18:10.420
We're waiting to find out if the mom stays good

1150
01:18:11.300 --> 01:18:14.140
to be able to keep her full time again.

1151
01:18:14.140 --> 01:18:15.460
So. Okay.

1152
01:18:15.480 --> 01:18:18.240
So let's find a couple that you know that's available

1153
01:18:18.240 --> 01:18:20.020
and ask them to go through the week with you

1154
01:18:20.020 --> 01:18:20.860
on a date night.

1155
01:18:20.860 --> 01:18:23.320
Ask them, would they be interested in doing a date night?

1156
01:18:26.720 --> 01:18:28.000
Do you know anyone?

1157
01:18:33.720 --> 01:18:35.400
I probably know someone.

1158
01:18:35.400 --> 01:18:39.320
His schedule is that he works at night till 9.30.

1159
01:18:40.360 --> 01:18:43.800
And so how do you, I mean,

1160
01:18:43.820 --> 01:18:45.820
where do you go to dinner at 9.30?

1161
01:18:46.780 --> 01:18:49.060
I don't care if you go to the Waffle House.

1162
01:18:49.940 --> 01:18:53.700
The problem is no community is being invited.

1163
01:18:53.700 --> 01:18:55.260
Yeah, go to dessert.

1164
01:18:55.260 --> 01:18:57.460
No community is being invited in.

1165
01:18:57.460 --> 01:18:58.980
You have an issue.

1166
01:18:58.980 --> 01:19:01.100
You're having to adjust to his schedule.

1167
01:19:01.100 --> 01:19:03.580
Well then his schedule has to lean into something else too.

1168
01:19:03.580 --> 01:19:05.300
This is part of this dynamic

1169
01:19:05.300 --> 01:19:08.260
that you feel like you're not getting enough.

1170
01:19:08.260 --> 01:19:11.400
Everything in your world is bending to him.

1171
01:19:12.380 --> 01:19:13.620
Yes.

1172
01:19:14.780 --> 01:19:15.980
Yes.

1173
01:19:15.980 --> 01:19:17.520
That's a problem.

1174
01:19:21.420 --> 01:19:22.860
And you say, how do I fix it?

1175
01:19:22.860 --> 01:19:25.620
You fix it by determining how you,

1176
01:19:25.620 --> 01:19:27.220
by advocating and saying, look,

1177
01:19:27.220 --> 01:19:29.340
I realized that this is what's happening

1178
01:19:29.340 --> 01:19:30.740
and this is not working.

1179
01:19:30.740 --> 01:19:33.620
It's causing these feelings to happen on the inside of me.

1180
01:19:33.620 --> 01:19:35.320
I'm not getting enough.

1181
01:19:36.380 --> 01:19:38.420
This is not his world

1182
01:19:38.420 --> 01:19:41.220
and you're just trying to fit into it.

1183
01:19:42.000 --> 01:19:42.840
You guys are in a relationship

1184
01:19:42.840 --> 01:19:45.200
and so his world has to bend in some way.

1185
01:19:45.200 --> 01:19:47.560
Y'all can find somewhere to do this thing.

1186
01:19:50.160 --> 01:19:52.080
And so if he gets out of work at 9.30

1187
01:19:52.080 --> 01:19:54.080
and y'all is just going for a date night,

1188
01:19:54.080 --> 01:19:56.480
okay, meet me at the ice cream parlor.

1189
01:19:56.480 --> 01:19:58.520
Meet me somewhere where people are.

1190
01:19:59.440 --> 01:20:00.280
You know why?

1191
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.520
You want to meet people because you feel like the world don't see you because when you do go with him for one two hours

1192
01:20:04.520 --> 01:20:06.860
Through the week you're over at his house club with the door closed

1193
01:20:10.720 --> 01:20:13.800
Nobody knows that you all exist except for you and him

1194
01:20:15.720 --> 01:20:21.640
You know in this frame of things I'm sure you got friends that know you all on whatever right

1195
01:20:22.280 --> 01:20:24.280
And

1196
01:20:24.800 --> 01:20:28.680
So 930 is late. I don't know if you have any friends

1197
01:20:28.680 --> 01:20:31.520
Maybe you have a single friend that can show up and hang out with you all

1198
01:20:31.640 --> 01:20:37.800
But I'm just trying to find a way to get your wheels to turn it on how you can bring some community around

1199
01:20:40.600 --> 01:20:45.020
Because maybe you can't be around his daughter that's fine. What is he doing on Saturday and Sunday?

1200
01:20:46.080 --> 01:20:47.280
working

1201
01:20:47.280 --> 01:20:48.960
Until what time?

1202
01:20:48.960 --> 01:20:52.400
It just varies the both of those that it varies

1203
01:20:54.760 --> 01:20:56.920
Can you go to church together Karen says

1204
01:20:58.760 --> 01:21:04.720
So I have suggested that a couple of times and we haven't really it hasn't gone anywhere

1205
01:21:05.640 --> 01:21:08.840
and so that's another question like I

1206
01:21:13.040 --> 01:21:17.200
Feel like in some places like phone calls and stuff like that

1207
01:21:18.120 --> 01:21:21.500
He's very like really great about showing up

1208
01:21:22.000 --> 01:21:29.200
but then when I'm asking about going to church or I'm asking about this or that then I feel like I'm getting less of a

1209
01:21:30.320 --> 01:21:32.440
Mm-hmm. And so why does he go to church?

1210
01:21:34.280 --> 01:21:36.280
He does go to church

1211
01:21:38.360 --> 01:21:40.360
Why y'all don't go team I

1212
01:21:42.360 --> 01:21:44.360
Don't know you do know

1213
01:21:47.920 --> 01:21:49.920
If

1214
01:21:51.320 --> 01:21:53.320
You don't know

1215
01:21:53.800 --> 01:21:55.800
You know

1216
01:21:58.080 --> 01:22:00.520
It doesn't matter if it sounds bad, it's okay

1217
01:22:01.760 --> 01:22:04.000
He just hasn't seemed willing. I

1218
01:22:05.520 --> 01:22:07.520
Know you XY

1219
01:22:08.520 --> 01:22:10.520
He

1220
01:22:13.960 --> 01:22:21.000
Goes to his parents church on some weekends, which is Spanish. So that's a no-go for this girl

1221
01:22:23.440 --> 01:22:25.440
The other weekends I don't

1222
01:22:26.400 --> 01:22:31.200
he always has some excuse or something or it's work or

1223
01:22:32.080 --> 01:22:34.080
How often does he go to church?

1224
01:22:34.760 --> 01:22:36.760
I

1225
01:22:36.920 --> 01:22:38.920
Usually every week

1226
01:22:39.000 --> 01:22:41.000
Okay. Well you go on it sometimes

1227
01:22:41.800 --> 01:22:45.440
Sometimes it is like he goes to work and straight to church

1228
01:22:46.520 --> 01:22:49.400
Care like I would be fine with me

1229
01:22:51.280 --> 01:22:54.560
Babe I will be right at this Spanish church. Send that to me. Amen

1230
01:22:58.840 --> 01:23:02.560
Why can't you go to this you ain't got to know what they say trust the spirit

1231
01:23:02.800 --> 01:23:06.640
Huh? No, I can I just that I think he would yeah

1232
01:23:08.000 --> 01:23:12.880
What I think he'd be like, no Tiffany, you don't have to do that. Oh

1233
01:23:13.880 --> 01:23:18.760
No, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, Tiffany. Did you hear what you just said to me?

1234
01:23:20.040 --> 01:23:22.960
What you mean? You don't have to do that. What is that language about?

1235
01:23:23.520 --> 01:23:27.920
Now I feel like you holding out on me even at this point because something's happening

1236
01:23:28.640 --> 01:23:30.960
Why can't you go to church with him? I

1237
01:23:31.920 --> 01:23:34.720
Feel like if I push not push

1238
01:23:36.000 --> 01:23:38.000
I

1239
01:23:38.040 --> 01:23:39.520
I

1240
01:23:39.520 --> 01:23:41.520
Feel like I get told

1241
01:23:41.760 --> 01:23:47.640
That I'm pushing a lot. So like if I said, hey, I'll be I'm willing to go to your parents

1242
01:23:48.160 --> 01:23:52.640
Spanish church and he's like, I'm willing to go to your parents

1243
01:23:53.200 --> 01:23:56.100
I don't even understand. How are you gonna understand?

1244
01:23:58.160 --> 01:24:02.000
And I come back with something else like and I hear you Karen

1245
01:24:02.800 --> 01:24:07.540
Fuck the galley can't carry this thing. It wastes no punches. They ain't full excuse

1246
01:24:08.880 --> 01:24:16.080
I don't know Tiffany full excuse or he full excuse. I don't know who making the excuses around here because I'm like my word

1247
01:24:17.120 --> 01:24:19.200
so if I say that and he says

1248
01:24:20.080 --> 01:24:24.500
I don't even understand half the time because it's a small church so they don't have a translator

1249
01:24:25.760 --> 01:24:30.080
And he's like so no, you don't need to go if I come back and be like

1250
01:24:30.880 --> 01:24:34.720
But I want to be there. I want us to have a chance to go together

1251
01:24:35.760 --> 01:24:37.040
it's

1252
01:24:37.040 --> 01:24:42.880
Because I have pushed in some other ways in like forcing that connection

1253
01:24:43.360 --> 01:24:50.000
I feel like he views everything is like i'm trying to overthink things and i'm trying to make it happen

1254
01:24:50.560 --> 01:24:57.600
And so when that's not it, I understand him thinking that in some places. I honestly do because I have

1255
01:24:58.800 --> 01:25:00.800
But now I feel like we're

1256
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:03.320
and this weird everything is categorized

1257
01:25:03.320 --> 01:25:06.640
as I'm overthinking or I'm.

1258
01:25:08.600 --> 01:25:09.760
Tiffany.

1259
01:25:09.760 --> 01:25:10.800
Yes.

1260
01:25:10.800 --> 01:25:13.080
Is he telling you that,

1261
01:25:13.080 --> 01:25:16.720
is he telling you that he doesn't want connection with you?

1262
01:25:18.200 --> 01:25:19.880
I'm not talking about in words.

1263
01:25:19.880 --> 01:25:22.920
I want you to tell me what his behavior is speaking to you.

1264
01:25:26.920 --> 01:25:28.780
Is he rejecting connection?

1265
01:25:31.000 --> 01:25:32.400
It's what it feels like.

1266
01:25:33.800 --> 01:25:36.280
Okay, well, I need you to come to terms with it

1267
01:25:38.160 --> 01:25:40.640
because there are two people in this relationship

1268
01:25:43.640 --> 01:25:46.080
and he may be texting, but listen,

1269
01:25:46.980 --> 01:25:49.320
you're in a marriage minded relationship

1270
01:25:50.480 --> 01:25:52.520
and this does not lend itself to that.

1271
01:25:53.680 --> 01:25:55.240
When does he wanna be married?

1272
01:25:55.920 --> 01:25:59.120
After he graduates in December, he wants to get engaged

1273
01:26:01.240 --> 01:26:03.280
and then married not too long after that.

1274
01:26:04.680 --> 01:26:07.680
And you want to be married to someone who operates this way?

1275
01:26:14.880 --> 01:26:17.440
There's so many parts that I love about him,

1276
01:26:20.320 --> 01:26:24.320
but it's this and it's, I'm trying to be honest with you.

1277
01:26:25.440 --> 01:26:27.040
I'm trying to be understanding.

1278
01:26:27.920 --> 01:26:29.200
That's the thing.

1279
01:26:29.200 --> 01:26:33.880
How do I be understanding of all that he's got going on

1280
01:26:33.880 --> 01:26:38.880
and how do I be like, I need more?

1281
01:26:42.320 --> 01:26:45.040
How do I know when I'm asking too much?

1282
01:26:46.440 --> 01:26:51.440
Well, there has to be, Tiffany, okay.

1283
01:26:51.440 --> 01:26:54.120
There has to be, Tiffany, okay.

1284
01:26:54.120 --> 01:26:56.080
What you're gonna have to do is

1285
01:26:56.080 --> 01:26:58.000
you're gonna have to tell him,

1286
01:26:58.000 --> 01:26:59.960
you're gonna have to say what you want.

1287
01:27:02.440 --> 01:27:03.800
You just have to figure it out

1288
01:27:03.800 --> 01:27:08.000
and that men have really, they know how to figure it out.

1289
01:27:09.240 --> 01:27:14.240
And I think that in some ways,

1290
01:27:14.440 --> 01:27:16.240
I don't know if you coddle him

1291
01:27:16.240 --> 01:27:18.480
when you have conversations with him

1292
01:27:18.480 --> 01:27:21.040
or you keep trying to prove that you really do understand.

1293
01:27:21.680 --> 01:27:22.720
You don't have to prove that you understand.

1294
01:27:22.720 --> 01:27:25.040
You don't have to say, I'm trying to understand.

1295
01:27:25.040 --> 01:27:26.280
That is irrelevant.

1296
01:27:26.280 --> 01:27:27.600
You do understand.

1297
01:27:29.080 --> 01:27:32.440
So I understand that you have a lot going on.

1298
01:27:32.440 --> 01:27:36.240
It is my desire that we spend more time around others

1299
01:27:36.240 --> 01:27:39.760
and that we connect in a way that I feel connected.

1300
01:27:39.760 --> 01:27:42.000
I want you to come up with some ideas

1301
01:27:42.000 --> 01:27:43.680
on how you feel connected

1302
01:27:43.680 --> 01:27:45.360
that you're gonna present to him.

1303
01:27:47.240 --> 01:27:50.400
That you understand that's within his ability

1304
01:27:50.760 --> 01:27:52.240
to give it to you.

1305
01:27:52.240 --> 01:27:54.920
When you share with him what you need,

1306
01:27:54.920 --> 01:27:58.680
he has a responsibility or opportunity to respond to you.

1307
01:28:02.920 --> 01:28:05.080
Then there needs to be something that happens

1308
01:28:05.080 --> 01:28:08.440
so you can stop pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing

1309
01:28:08.440 --> 01:28:09.720
to make it happen.

1310
01:28:09.720 --> 01:28:12.000
Because I believe you know that if he doesn't connect

1311
01:28:12.000 --> 01:28:14.040
with you, that you're waning away.

1312
01:28:14.040 --> 01:28:15.280
Like there's no way to stay.

1313
01:28:15.280 --> 01:28:16.720
You're not gonna be able to hold on to this

1314
01:28:16.720 --> 01:28:17.840
without connection.

1315
01:28:18.560 --> 01:28:19.400
Yeah.

1316
01:28:19.400 --> 01:28:22.600
And I think that's why it's eating you up on the inside.

1317
01:28:22.600 --> 01:28:24.560
You know his schedule, you know his abilities.

1318
01:28:24.560 --> 01:28:26.440
When you say, I wanna go to church with you,

1319
01:28:26.440 --> 01:28:28.000
you're not saying you wanna go to church

1320
01:28:28.000 --> 01:28:29.600
with him to tag along with him.

1321
01:28:29.600 --> 01:28:32.960
What you're saying is we, I want us in community.

1322
01:28:32.960 --> 01:28:35.320
I want us to be recognized as a couple.

1323
01:28:35.320 --> 01:28:37.720
I want somebody else in on our life.

1324
01:28:37.720 --> 01:28:39.520
One of the ways that I see that happen

1325
01:28:39.520 --> 01:28:41.760
is you go to a Spanish church with your parents.

1326
01:28:41.760 --> 01:28:43.560
I want to meet your parents.

1327
01:28:43.560 --> 01:28:46.160
The fact that you have to push to meet his parents,

1328
01:28:46.160 --> 01:28:48.320
that he's not wanting to introduce you to them.

1329
01:28:48.320 --> 01:28:49.480
I wouldn't push for that anymore.

1330
01:28:49.480 --> 01:28:51.320
I want you to think about the fact that he,

1331
01:28:51.320 --> 01:28:53.080
what reason why he hasn't introduced,

1332
01:28:53.080 --> 01:28:55.720
why hasn't he introduced you to his parents?

1333
01:28:55.720 --> 01:28:58.120
That's a question you need to ask yourself.

1334
01:29:02.000 --> 01:29:05.440
He says it's because of us still like

1335
01:29:05.440 --> 01:29:07.800
building our own foundation.

1336
01:29:07.800 --> 01:29:10.360
Also what he's saying to you that he's not ready

1337
01:29:10.360 --> 01:29:13.880
to introduce you to them yet because he's not sure of you.

1338
01:29:13.880 --> 01:29:15.440
He's not sure of us.

1339
01:29:17.160 --> 01:29:22.280
I think you know that's what he's saying to you.

1340
01:29:22.280 --> 01:29:24.680
What else would he be saying?

1341
01:29:24.680 --> 01:29:26.240
Build what foundation?

1342
01:29:28.360 --> 01:29:30.800
The foundation that we're going to be together

1343
01:29:30.800 --> 01:29:33.200
and I'm not ready to introduce you to anyone

1344
01:29:33.200 --> 01:29:36.200
till it's for sure that we're going to be together.

1345
01:29:38.200 --> 01:29:40.120
Does that sound like what he's saying?

1346
01:29:47.160 --> 01:29:48.400
What foundation?

1347
01:29:52.120 --> 01:29:54.080
When we talk about foundation,

1348
01:29:54.080 --> 01:29:58.280
he's talking about like time for us to go have

1349
01:29:58.280 --> 01:29:59.840
like the normal dates.

1350
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:07.920
the spending time together, we haven't had a ton of normal dates.

1351
01:30:09.040 --> 01:30:13.760
But Tiffany, what does that have to do with if he's with you and y'all are moving forward,

1352
01:30:13.760 --> 01:30:18.400
y'all went exclusive, you're both marriage minded, what does that have to do with him

1353
01:30:18.400 --> 01:30:25.680
introducing you to people that are important to him? They have nothing to do with normal dates.

1354
01:30:30.240 --> 01:30:33.520
Also, when you get to go on normal dates, and now I'm going to introduce you to my parents,

1355
01:30:33.520 --> 01:30:42.240
that sounds dumb when you say it like that. It's gonna sound dumb when I heard it. I can't put

1356
01:30:42.240 --> 01:30:59.200
it together. I'm trying to ask you. I think I have taken some things and just not wanted to push

1357
01:31:00.160 --> 01:31:12.240
and not wanted to. I think I have coddled him. I think I have not wanted to push for further,

1358
01:31:12.240 --> 01:31:19.120
because I'm almost not scared of the answer, but I don't want to hear the answer if

1359
01:31:20.640 --> 01:31:22.160
it's what I don't want to hear.

1360
01:31:23.120 --> 01:31:35.680
Well, Tiffany, I want you to get real straight on what you're fighting for.

1361
01:31:38.320 --> 01:31:42.080
And so your homework is to write down what you're actually fighting for.

1362
01:31:43.200 --> 01:31:47.200
I want you to write down heaven's best for you, what you believe heaven's best for you is. And

1363
01:31:47.280 --> 01:31:53.680
I want you to write down for what you're fighting. And Cesar, right? Is it Cesar, Cesar?

1364
01:31:53.680 --> 01:31:54.320
What's his name?

1365
01:31:54.320 --> 01:31:54.960
Chevello.

1366
01:31:59.840 --> 01:32:04.560
Sorry, Chevello. I don't want you to put them side by side,

1367
01:32:04.560 --> 01:32:10.160
but he's like, I like so many things about him. What is those so many things you like about him?

1368
01:32:10.400 --> 01:32:13.600
The way that I feel like I can absolutely be myself.

1369
01:32:14.720 --> 01:32:19.440
The way that I feel like he allows me to be just completely free.

1370
01:32:21.600 --> 01:32:22.100
Okay.

1371
01:32:23.760 --> 01:32:24.320
The way that-

1372
01:32:24.320 --> 01:32:26.960
You mean, talking about when he tells you you're doing too much?

1373
01:32:30.960 --> 01:32:31.520
You're not free.

1374
01:32:32.080 --> 01:32:32.580
No.

1375
01:32:33.460 --> 01:32:37.700
The free as far as like,

1376
01:32:42.260 --> 01:32:49.060
my, the way that I express myself and the way that I think through things. And whereas that

1377
01:32:49.060 --> 01:32:56.020
has been too much for others in the past, like, he loves that and encourages that in me.

1378
01:32:57.300 --> 01:33:01.940
And I'm not having to dial myself down for that. Does that make sense?

1379
01:33:02.980 --> 01:33:04.740
That makes sense that he lets you talk.

1380
01:33:07.700 --> 01:33:11.460
When you say it like that, Ebony, you take the pretty out of it.

1381
01:33:12.580 --> 01:33:16.260
Well, because you're sharing yourself with him, but he gives you no response.

1382
01:33:20.900 --> 01:33:25.140
So he lets you talk. He lets you talk things out and you like having that space. There's

1383
01:33:25.140 --> 01:33:30.260
nothing wrong with it. I'm not against Chevello. I hope I didn't say his name.

1384
01:33:30.260 --> 01:33:31.140
Chevello.

1385
01:33:32.100 --> 01:33:37.620
Thank y'all. Chevello. I'm not against Chevello. I really want you to put,

1386
01:33:38.740 --> 01:33:43.460
I want you to determine heaven's best for you. And I want you to look at what's happened with

1387
01:33:43.460 --> 01:33:49.300
Chevello. And then once you do that, I want you to post it so we can look at it. And then we've

1388
01:33:49.300 --> 01:33:57.140
got to come up with a strategy on how we're going to bring more balance to this relationship,

1389
01:33:57.140 --> 01:34:03.140
even in his business. We have until August when these things are over with, but let's put some

1390
01:34:03.140 --> 01:34:09.220
infrastructure to what we have going on. Don't be afraid to face the music, Tiffany.

1391
01:34:09.780 --> 01:34:16.020
When we don't face facts or the music or what's actually happening, we will sugar coat stuff.

1392
01:34:16.020 --> 01:34:21.060
We will cover it up. We won't come like, I don't want to face that answer. Face it all

1393
01:34:21.780 --> 01:34:25.140
because that's how you're going to get to where you want to be in a relationship.

1394
01:34:25.940 --> 01:34:30.100
You don't get there by letting scarcity take over and you believe because you're going to

1395
01:34:30.100 --> 01:34:36.660
lose something so good. No, no, no, no, no. Lay it out on the table. Prove it to yourself that

1396
01:34:36.660 --> 01:34:45.220
what you have can withstand it. If you believe so much in it, he's so great. They're so great.

1397
01:34:45.220 --> 01:34:50.660
All of this is so great. Then you need to prove that it's great enough to hold up Tiffany's

1398
01:34:51.220 --> 01:34:56.340
request. Hold up what Tiffany needs, but you got to get it out. You got to be true to yourself

1399
01:34:56.340 --> 01:34:59.780
so that when he tells you or you think, well, he does do this. So I guess I

1400
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:01.560
I'm going to say that what he does do this.

1401
01:35:01.560 --> 01:35:03.440
So I guess I'm going to say that what he does do this.

1402
01:35:03.440 --> 01:35:05.060
I guess I want to say, I've been there.

1403
01:35:05.060 --> 01:35:06.280
It's not just you.

1404
01:35:06.280 --> 01:35:07.280
This is a real thing.

1405
01:35:12.320 --> 01:35:15.120
So just because he does do one thing,

1406
01:35:15.120 --> 01:35:17.080
it doesn't cancel out the thing that you need.

1407
01:35:22.000 --> 01:35:23.520
Like, OK, yeah, he do it.

1408
01:35:23.520 --> 01:35:26.080
Oh, well, he does what's easy for him.

1409
01:35:26.080 --> 01:35:29.160
Tiffany, it's easy to listen to you talk.

1410
01:35:29.160 --> 01:35:31.160
It's easy to text you.

1411
01:35:31.160 --> 01:35:33.200
It's easy for you to show up at his house at 930

1412
01:35:33.200 --> 01:35:34.920
when he get out of work and eat with him.

1413
01:35:34.920 --> 01:35:36.600
Those are easy things to do.

1414
01:35:39.520 --> 01:35:42.840
What does he do in this relationship that cost him?

1415
01:35:42.840 --> 01:35:45.040
Because it's costing you everything.

1416
01:35:48.720 --> 01:35:52.480
In the beginning, he was doing everything that cost.

1417
01:35:52.480 --> 01:35:53.840
I know they all make the pick.

1418
01:35:53.840 --> 01:35:55.040
I mean, let me just say that.

1419
01:35:55.040 --> 01:35:55.840
Yeah.

1420
01:35:55.840 --> 01:35:56.340
Yeah.

1421
01:36:00.160 --> 01:36:01.760
That's why we love you, Ebony.

1422
01:36:01.760 --> 01:36:03.160
Bad coaching moment.

1423
01:36:03.160 --> 01:36:04.040
I'm sorry.

1424
01:36:04.040 --> 01:36:04.920
Not bad coaching.

1425
01:36:04.920 --> 01:36:06.920
We work on my words.

1426
01:36:06.920 --> 01:36:07.720
Go ahead.

1427
01:36:07.720 --> 01:36:09.880
In the beginning, in the beginning was the word.

1428
01:36:09.880 --> 01:36:10.380
Go ahead.

1429
01:36:13.120 --> 01:36:15.080
Just tell me about the beginning.

1430
01:36:15.080 --> 01:36:16.960
In the beginning, he was doing it all.

1431
01:36:16.960 --> 01:36:19.040
And he was always coming to me, because we

1432
01:36:19.040 --> 01:36:21.520
live 45 minutes apart.

1433
01:36:21.520 --> 01:36:24.480
So he was always doing that.

1434
01:36:24.480 --> 01:36:28.360
But then when it shifted, when I started going over there

1435
01:36:28.440 --> 01:36:33.800
to dinner, then it became, oh, this is easy.

1436
01:36:33.800 --> 01:36:34.960
He didn't say that.

1437
01:36:34.960 --> 01:36:40.760
The way I received it, the way I see it now is, oh, this is easy.

1438
01:36:40.760 --> 01:36:42.680
Just come over here.

1439
01:36:42.680 --> 01:36:44.560
But I'm the one.

1440
01:36:44.560 --> 01:36:47.560
I do feel like I'm the one doing the work.

1441
01:36:47.560 --> 01:36:49.440
Yeah.

1442
01:36:49.440 --> 01:36:52.120
Let's stop this showing up at 930 at night

1443
01:36:52.120 --> 01:36:56.160
when he gets out of work to go have dinner with him.

1444
01:36:56.160 --> 01:36:59.360
Let's find a more valuable time for you all to hang out.

1445
01:37:01.960 --> 01:37:05.600
Because if you stop going over at 930 at night to have dinner,

1446
01:37:05.600 --> 01:37:08.320
you may actually see what a Sunday morning together

1447
01:37:08.320 --> 01:37:12.160
going to a church looks like and going to have lunch.

1448
01:37:12.160 --> 01:37:14.440
Even if you have to wait, it's not once a week,

1449
01:37:14.440 --> 01:37:18.360
but it's every two weeks that y'all get to go somewhere

1450
01:37:18.360 --> 01:37:23.520
and have normality in your relationship.

1451
01:37:23.520 --> 01:37:27.400
I don't believe you enjoy going to his house at 930 at night.

1452
01:37:27.400 --> 01:37:29.600
Don't you have to go to work the next day?

1453
01:37:29.600 --> 01:37:34.120
You're driving 45 minutes to fit into his schedule yet again.

1454
01:37:37.600 --> 01:37:38.920
These are the things that are making

1455
01:37:38.920 --> 01:37:42.040
you feel very uncomfortable.

1456
01:37:42.040 --> 01:37:44.960
Your nervous system is alerted, as it should be.

1457
01:37:49.320 --> 01:37:52.280
And so the plan is, I want you to write down

1458
01:37:52.320 --> 01:37:56.240
what you believe is heaven's best.

1459
01:37:56.240 --> 01:37:59.640
I want you to think about the woman that you are.

1460
01:37:59.640 --> 01:38:02.840
And I don't even want you to get into what do you deserve.

1461
01:38:02.840 --> 01:38:06.240
I'm concerned that what you deserve is a little bit off,

1462
01:38:06.240 --> 01:38:09.000
because we will.

1463
01:38:09.000 --> 01:38:10.480
It's not about what we deserve.

1464
01:38:10.480 --> 01:38:15.600
Sometimes we don't even give ourselves what we deserve,

1465
01:38:15.600 --> 01:38:18.400
because God has a higher order for us

1466
01:38:18.400 --> 01:38:19.520
than we have for ourselves.

1467
01:38:19.520 --> 01:38:23.720
We'll take crumbs, right?

1468
01:38:23.720 --> 01:38:29.280
And so I want you to write down whatever I said on one side.

1469
01:38:29.280 --> 01:38:30.040
I forgot.

1470
01:38:30.040 --> 01:38:31.480
And then on the other side, I want

1471
01:38:31.480 --> 01:38:36.200
you to write down these things that you enjoy about him.

1472
01:38:36.200 --> 01:38:38.720
And let's just see how these things fit.

1473
01:38:38.720 --> 01:38:42.760
And then let's come up with strategy

1474
01:38:42.760 --> 01:38:45.280
on how you guys can have a more balanced relationship

1475
01:38:45.280 --> 01:38:46.680
that you could feel safe in.

1476
01:38:49.880 --> 01:38:51.560
OK.

1477
01:38:51.560 --> 01:38:54.200
How does that sound?

1478
01:38:54.200 --> 01:38:55.400
Sounds good.

1479
01:38:55.400 --> 01:38:56.240
OK.

1480
01:38:56.240 --> 01:38:58.600
And I want another thing.

1481
01:38:58.600 --> 01:39:03.840
I want you also, I want you to create a little subheading that

1482
01:39:03.840 --> 01:39:05.400
says excuses.

1483
01:39:05.400 --> 01:39:09.320
And I want you to be completely honest with yourself about him

1484
01:39:09.320 --> 01:39:11.120
and write down every excuse he's made

1485
01:39:11.120 --> 01:39:14.760
and every excuse you've made and the truth

1486
01:39:14.760 --> 01:39:19.040
that those excuses are covering.

1487
01:39:19.040 --> 01:39:20.840
Because you are not wrong.

1488
01:39:20.840 --> 01:39:25.600
We know within ourselves when we're not getting the very best.

1489
01:39:25.600 --> 01:39:28.040
And allow yourself to be free with this activity,

1490
01:39:28.040 --> 01:39:30.400
free from the fear of losing him.

1491
01:39:33.480 --> 01:39:38.120
If you've accepted bare minimum, he ain't going nowhere.

1492
01:39:38.120 --> 01:39:39.120
Right?

1493
01:39:39.120 --> 01:39:40.640
You're not losing anything.

1494
01:39:40.640 --> 01:39:42.160
I need you to get rid of losing.

1495
01:39:45.280 --> 01:39:47.800
Right now, you're evaluating this relationship

1496
01:39:47.800 --> 01:39:48.960
for what it is.

1497
01:39:48.960 --> 01:39:50.280
And then I'm going to help you.

1498
01:39:50.280 --> 01:39:52.800
And then we're going to come up with a plan

1499
01:39:52.800 --> 01:39:56.480
to get this more balanced for you.

1500
01:39:56.480 --> 01:39:57.640
OK.

1501
01:39:57.640 --> 01:39:59.320
Yeah.

1502
01:39:59.320 --> 01:40:01.520
Thank you for showing up.

1503
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:06.240
up and being honest I've been looking for you. You've been hiding. Yeah, I thought I was gonna

1504
01:40:06.240 --> 01:40:14.000
have to come to temple, maybe see you in bookies or something. Thank you, Ebony. Thank you. You're

1505
01:40:14.000 --> 01:40:23.040
welcome. All right. I'll be looking for a post soon here now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.

1506
01:40:24.160 --> 01:40:28.160
Is your heart okay? Did you feel offended in any way? Hurt in any way? Did I say anything

1507
01:40:28.160 --> 01:40:34.640
or laugh at anything that was really sensitive? No, I actually feel very safe and I feel like

1508
01:40:34.640 --> 01:40:40.960
this is the stuff I didn't, this is why I've been hiding because I didn't want to have to

1509
01:40:40.960 --> 01:40:50.480
look at this but I know that my, I feel like myself has been saying you are worth looking at this.

1510
01:40:51.440 --> 01:40:56.560
Mm-hmm. So I actually appreciate you challenging me in this way.

1511
01:40:58.000 --> 01:41:02.400
Good, good. You're so brave and everybody's saying the same thing, you really are.

1512
01:41:02.400 --> 01:41:08.560
You have a very, you're vulnerable even when you don't want to be. You look at me like,

1513
01:41:08.560 --> 01:41:14.160
don't ask me, don't ask me, don't ask me, don't ask me, you know I can't lie, don't ask me.

1514
01:41:14.160 --> 01:41:21.280
Yeah, yeah. And then you ask me. Thank God for the Holy Spirit. All right.

1515
01:41:23.600 --> 01:41:26.800
Um Mika, did you have a question?

1516
01:41:29.440 --> 01:41:34.800
Yes, I just thought it was so late. I know it's late ladies, you do not have a responsibility

1517
01:41:34.800 --> 01:41:39.680
to stay online but I haven't met Mika in a while and so you are free to go but go ahead Mika.

1518
01:41:40.400 --> 01:41:48.320
Okay, so there's a, there is a guy that I met on Holy and we had so much in common via text,

1519
01:41:48.320 --> 01:41:53.760
it was like almost scary, like same birthday month and everything and our text flows.

1520
01:41:56.160 --> 01:41:59.760
But I noticed like when we were getting, speaking by conversation,

1521
01:41:59.760 --> 01:42:03.120
it started, ended up being a situation where I was kind of leading a little bit

1522
01:42:03.760 --> 01:42:11.120
and I used your idea with the table topics and I'm trying to like not write him off but my question

1523
01:42:11.120 --> 01:42:19.840
is, I feel like our conversation is missing something but then there's another part of me

1524
01:42:19.840 --> 01:42:24.320
is saying maybe it's not missing something, maybe the relationships that I've been in the past

1525
01:42:25.280 --> 01:42:32.080
weren't healthy because how's that been going for me, right? Like, I mean, so I'm like,

1526
01:42:32.080 --> 01:42:35.840
I'm trying to give it a chance because I actually just moved to another state.

1527
01:42:35.840 --> 01:42:40.160
This man is willing to like, he's already, he's talking the talk, like you were telling her,

1528
01:42:40.160 --> 01:42:44.400
like in the beginning they talk a talk, we're supposed to be going on our first date next

1529
01:42:44.400 --> 01:42:50.320
Thursday and I'm the one with the crazy schedule because I'm starting a ministry school in September

1530
01:42:50.320 --> 01:42:57.440
and I told him like I'm, yeah. What's the ministry school? Global, Global School of Supernatural

1531
01:42:57.440 --> 01:43:05.600
Ministry. Okay, who's over there? Randy Clark, yeah. Yes, I'm so excited for you.

1532
01:43:07.840 --> 01:43:13.520
Me too, I'm excited too. Yeah, there's like so many different things but yeah.

1533
01:43:15.760 --> 01:43:20.720
Yeah, there's the opportunity of a life, oh my goodness. So he's not, but here's the crazy part,

1534
01:43:20.720 --> 01:43:25.440
he's non-denominational though, he's non-denominational. So he said he used to go

1535
01:43:25.440 --> 01:43:31.040
to a charismatic church and I was trying to explain to him, I'm like, you have to understand,

1536
01:43:31.040 --> 01:43:36.400
like I like the fire, I like the fire, I'm not gonna get watered down. He's like, no,

1537
01:43:36.400 --> 01:43:43.440
I understand, I understand but like I want to just hear more of your take on that, like in terms of,

1538
01:43:45.440 --> 01:43:51.280
like I also don't want to feel like I'm gonna be always the one, I mean, I'm just,

1539
01:43:51.280 --> 01:43:56.560
we've just been talking for maybe about two weeks by phone consistently. He's consistent

1540
01:43:56.560 --> 01:44:00.160
with the phones, he's consistent with the texts, he's actually, it's actually more than me,

1541
01:44:00.160 --> 01:44:05.040
which I love. It's usually, sometimes I feel like recently it's been me chasing the person

1542
01:44:05.680 --> 01:44:11.200
but now it's like me being mindful that he's pursuing and he's like, all I have to do is just

1543
01:44:11.200 --> 01:44:15.280
say the word and he retires next year. He's like, well, I retire next year so I can kind of go

1544
01:44:15.280 --> 01:44:22.160
anywhere and I'm like, oh, okay. So I guess I don't want to, my, I guess my challenge is,

1545
01:44:22.160 --> 01:44:26.560
I know you asked me, what is your question? Like, I don't want to sabotage it

1546
01:44:27.920 --> 01:44:31.600
because I can ask questions. You think I should just keep, when we have the dinner,

1547
01:44:31.600 --> 01:44:36.480
if conversation doesn't flow, do you think I should do the topic question or is that a flag

1548
01:44:36.480 --> 01:44:42.720
if we can't just have regular conversations? Like, because, yeah, so I'm kind of all over

1549
01:44:42.720 --> 01:44:46.240
the place, but I'm also excited I'm going on a date because it's been a long time.

1550
01:44:46.880 --> 01:44:51.280
And I was like, I was like, you don't have to go out. Just, I'm like, I'm easy. I mean,

1551
01:44:51.280 --> 01:44:56.000
you know, I was like, not easy, but I was just like, I'm not picky. Like, I just,

1552
01:44:56.000 --> 01:44:59.680
I'm just looking forward to getting to know you in person, you know? And he was like, oh no,

1553
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:01.800
I know we're going to do something really nice.

1554
01:45:01.800 --> 01:45:03.700
And he's a little bit older.

1555
01:45:03.700 --> 01:45:05.000
So there's a slight age gap.

1556
01:45:05.000 --> 01:45:07.400
He's fifty five. I'm forty three.

1557
01:45:08.800 --> 01:45:11.440
And I explain we probably shouldn't have shared this,

1558
01:45:11.440 --> 01:45:12.740
but I shouldn't have shared it, probably.

1559
01:45:12.740 --> 01:45:14.680
But he's never had kids.

1560
01:45:14.680 --> 01:45:16.200
He's never been married.

1561
01:45:16.200 --> 01:45:21.080
He's he's this is he's a music teacher for middle school kids.

1562
01:45:21.500 --> 01:45:24.900
And so this is going to be he's saying this is going to be his last year.

1563
01:45:26.640 --> 01:45:28.580
He's yes.

1564
01:45:28.580 --> 01:45:31.080
Like I said, he's going to retire next year.

1565
01:45:31.320 --> 01:45:33.480
And he's like, so I have a lot of time

1566
01:45:34.220 --> 01:45:37.580
and we have like a lot of commonplace, like where we where I grew up

1567
01:45:37.580 --> 01:45:42.080
is like where he he graduated from, like this college isn't too far.

1568
01:45:43.920 --> 01:45:46.420
So there's a lot of different different pieces.

1569
01:45:46.420 --> 01:45:48.120
But I'm trying to figure out like.

1570
01:45:50.380 --> 01:45:52.820
If there's a lot of silence

1571
01:45:53.620 --> 01:45:55.820
and he's not asking me a lot of questions.

1572
01:45:56.360 --> 01:46:00.360
Like, I guess I feel like that's going to be a hiccup when we meet in person

1573
01:46:00.360 --> 01:46:02.360
because it's coming up already by phone.

1574
01:46:02.360 --> 01:46:05.960
And I don't want to seem like I'm too doing too much either.

1575
01:46:05.960 --> 01:46:07.760
Yeah, I was like I was starting to feel like I'm like,

1576
01:46:07.760 --> 01:46:10.120
why am I feeling the silence last night?

1577
01:46:10.120 --> 01:46:13.760
I'm like, oh, let me get these cards for a short table topics.

1578
01:46:13.760 --> 01:46:16.660
Yeah. So it sounds like you're uncomfortable with silence.

1579
01:46:20.160 --> 01:46:22.320
Do you know why you're uncomfortable with silence?

1580
01:46:22.960 --> 01:46:25.060
I think he's uncomfortable with it, too.

1581
01:46:25.060 --> 01:46:26.960
He's like, maybe I should ask you some question.

1582
01:46:26.960 --> 01:46:31.220
He's like, I'm going to I have some questions for you, but no, I am uncomfortable

1583
01:46:31.220 --> 01:46:35.860
with it because I think I think the idea is that I'm afraid.

1584
01:46:35.860 --> 01:46:38.460
I guess I'm afraid that it's not going to.

1585
01:46:40.720 --> 01:46:43.820
That he's going to get bored, that we're going to get bored of each other.

1586
01:46:43.820 --> 01:46:46.820
I feel like there has to be something, you know,

1587
01:46:46.820 --> 01:46:48.820
that we're going to get bored of each other.

1588
01:46:49.820 --> 01:46:52.220
I feel like there has to be something.

1589
01:46:52.220 --> 01:46:58.520
Yeah, that's definitely a problem because I don't need excitement.

1590
01:46:58.520 --> 01:47:01.720
I need stability. We need stability in this life here.

1591
01:47:01.720 --> 01:47:04.320
No excitement. No more excitement.

1592
01:47:04.320 --> 01:47:09.120
He travels, but. So being uncomfortable with silence,

1593
01:47:09.120 --> 01:47:11.420
somebody said they're definitely uncomfortable with silence.

1594
01:47:11.420 --> 01:47:19.220
You've assigned be you've assigned lack of words to something.

1595
01:47:19.220 --> 01:47:22.520
That that means if somebody's not talking, it means something.

1596
01:47:22.520 --> 01:47:27.620
Well, listen, it means nothing. It means y'all ran out of words to say.

1597
01:47:27.620 --> 01:47:31.220
And you know, he's not interested that he's not that we're not really.

1598
01:47:31.220 --> 01:47:34.020
Yeah, him asking you questions about you.

1599
01:47:34.020 --> 01:47:37.320
You believe that if someone actually lots of questions about you,

1600
01:47:37.320 --> 01:47:39.620
that means they're interested in you.

1601
01:47:39.620 --> 01:47:45.620
Men are not like women. Me because they're not.

1602
01:47:45.620 --> 01:47:49.220
And him asking you a ton of questions doesn't mean he's interested in you

1603
01:47:49.220 --> 01:47:53.420
and he may not be the best conversationalist and that's okay.

1604
01:47:53.420 --> 01:47:56.720
So what do we do for for now?

1605
01:47:56.720 --> 01:47:59.720
Right? He's not a girl. He's not sound like much.

1606
01:47:59.720 --> 01:48:04.520
Right. You're not chatting. You're going to enjoy each other.

1607
01:48:04.520 --> 01:48:06.820
You're going to enjoy each other and be present.

1608
01:48:06.820 --> 01:48:08.820
And then when it gets quiet, you're going to say come in.

1609
01:48:08.820 --> 01:48:11.120
It's like man, it's quiet and it's awkward,

1610
01:48:11.120 --> 01:48:13.320
but I'm going to learn how to sit in silence

1611
01:48:13.320 --> 01:48:16.120
and I don't want you to feel pressure to have a conversation.

1612
01:48:16.120 --> 01:48:19.820
Let's see how long we can sit here before one of us breaks

1613
01:48:19.820 --> 01:48:22.720
and then you don't say that to him.

1614
01:48:22.720 --> 01:48:27.620
Say that out loud. The truth into the into the conversation.

1615
01:48:27.620 --> 01:48:31.420
This is not a show. You're two people showing up

1616
01:48:31.420 --> 01:48:34.220
and it's okay to be silent and it's okay for you to say,

1617
01:48:34.220 --> 01:48:37.920
okay, here's the silence. I'm going to practice not saying anything.

1618
01:48:37.920 --> 01:48:42.520
I'm just going to be present. Trust the process.

1619
01:48:42.520 --> 01:48:50.220
Trust an organic out unfolding of getting to know each other.

1620
01:48:50.220 --> 01:48:55.420
No, it doesn't mean that something's wrong or something's not right.

1621
01:48:55.420 --> 01:48:58.120
If he never asked you anything, if he shows up,

1622
01:48:58.120 --> 01:49:02.120
he wants to know you. Men are much better observers than women.

1623
01:49:02.120 --> 01:49:04.620
We feel like if we talk, we get you to say what you want,

1624
01:49:04.620 --> 01:49:05.720
where you're going, what we're doing,

1625
01:49:05.720 --> 01:49:07.820
and then we say, but you say it and you say it and you say it

1626
01:49:07.820 --> 01:49:11.320
and you say it and you say it. Men are better at observation

1627
01:49:11.320 --> 01:49:12.920
because they don't have a lot of words.

1628
01:49:12.920 --> 01:49:17.620
They put stuff in certain boxes, right?

1629
01:49:17.620 --> 01:49:20.820
And so, you know, one thing we talked about here

1630
01:49:20.820 --> 01:49:25.720
on last Tuesday was partnership versus outcome.

1631
01:49:25.720 --> 01:49:28.520
Your responsibility is to partner with the process.

1632
01:49:28.520 --> 01:49:31.920
God's responsibility is the outcome.

1633
01:49:31.920 --> 01:49:36.420
And you want to guarantee a particular outcome and you can't do that.

1634
01:49:36.420 --> 01:49:38.620
It's not a red flag or any type of flag

1635
01:49:38.620 --> 01:49:41.020
because somebody doesn't have something to talk about.

1636
01:49:41.020 --> 01:49:44.220
It just means they don't have anything to talk about.

1637
01:49:44.220 --> 01:49:47.820
It doesn't mean that they don't like you. It doesn't even mean that they're boring.

1638
01:49:47.820 --> 01:49:51.320
It just means they don't have anything to talk about.

1639
01:49:51.320 --> 01:49:53.720
Right, we haven't done anything together.

1640
01:49:53.720 --> 01:49:55.720
We don't have, we don't know each other.

1641
01:49:55.720 --> 01:49:58.520
Right, we don't know each other, so you're going to create experiences.

1642
01:49:58.520 --> 01:50:00.020
When you go out, you're going to go bold.

1643
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:03.920
you're going to do fun things, you're going to pick things that help you see their personality,

1644
01:50:03.920 --> 01:50:07.520
you're going to be strategic about things. Right.

1645
01:50:08.160 --> 01:50:12.800
We love you. Good night, Roberta. And so I just want you to know that you're not responsible

1646
01:50:12.800 --> 01:50:16.800
for the outcome. You're only responsible to partner and show up. And you're not partnering

1647
01:50:16.800 --> 01:50:23.040
with him. You're partnering with the God of your love story. And you're trying to learn about you,

1648
01:50:23.040 --> 01:50:29.040
how you show up. Why are you uncomfortable with silence? And they can even... How often do you

1649
01:50:29.040 --> 01:50:37.440
sit in silence with the Lord? If you're always in your mouth, then you're not developing intimacy

1650
01:50:37.440 --> 01:50:43.920
with the Lord. Because intimacy comes in quiet moments, just sitting, sitting with your father.

1651
01:50:47.360 --> 01:50:51.280
Why do you have so many words? What you got to talk about all the time, Mika?

1652
01:50:51.280 --> 01:50:56.560
No, I help people. I help people figure stuff out.

1653
01:50:57.680 --> 01:51:02.080
What is talking doing for you? What is it fulfilling in you? What does it mean to you?

1654
01:51:05.280 --> 01:51:08.320
You may say, well, it means we're going somewhere. It means this. I don't know, but

1655
01:51:11.520 --> 01:51:16.320
figure that out about you instead of believing that it's somebody, like it's something wrong

1656
01:51:16.320 --> 01:51:20.160
with them if they don't show up that way. Why do I want to talk all the time?

1657
01:51:21.360 --> 01:51:27.280
I think it's the work environment thing. You're constantly... There is an expectation

1658
01:51:28.800 --> 01:51:36.080
in certain environments, even in church and work, or even with family to interact with others.

1659
01:51:36.800 --> 01:51:43.600
And I know my mom wasn't good at that. She hasn't really been... She used to be good at it,

1660
01:51:43.600 --> 01:51:49.040
but as she got older, she kind of got away from it. So I think there's a good question. I think

1661
01:51:49.040 --> 01:51:55.200
there's a part of me that I don't want to become like that. So she became so introverted. She

1662
01:51:55.200 --> 01:52:01.440
basically lost all of her... She had a beautiful community when we were growing up. And she kind

1663
01:52:01.440 --> 01:52:09.840
of lost it because when some hurtful things happened, she kind of turned inward. And so,

1664
01:52:10.320 --> 01:52:14.640
I think I've been... I try to be purposeful and conscious. Anytime I'm in a situation where I

1665
01:52:14.640 --> 01:52:19.680
don't know people, get to know people, talk to them, engage them. But now it's not really

1666
01:52:20.240 --> 01:52:26.480
translating over in my dating situation. Yeah, like you were saying, it's off. It's not the

1667
01:52:26.480 --> 01:52:33.760
same. It's a different thing. I'm not networking. Yeah, there's a really good truth to get to the

1668
01:52:33.760 --> 01:52:38.880
bottom of because the truth is, Mika, you're not your mom. You're not going to be like your mom.

1669
01:52:38.880 --> 01:52:45.120
You're giving your own personality. And it's a beautiful personality. And that personality is

1670
01:52:45.120 --> 01:52:53.520
seeing whether words are coming out of your mouth or not. That's helpful. That's helpful. Thank you.

1671
01:52:53.520 --> 01:52:58.400
That's helpful. Yeah, you're welcome. And so write that down. Deal with it. It's not a flag.

1672
01:52:58.400 --> 01:53:03.600
Enjoy this guy, even if it's in silence. And say it when it's silent. This is weird for me,

1673
01:53:03.600 --> 01:53:08.160
but I want to learn to sit in silence. So I'm practicing with you right now. Let's see how

1674
01:53:08.160 --> 01:53:14.400
long I could go. Make a joke out of it. You can bring table discussions or table topics, things

1675
01:53:14.400 --> 01:53:19.360
to discuss at the table. But I need you to know that you don't have to always fill the space

1676
01:53:19.360 --> 01:53:24.240
with words. Another thing that will be helpful for you, because you are on an active journey

1677
01:53:24.240 --> 01:53:32.480
with the Lord, start practicing how to sit in silence with the Lord. I'm going to write that

1678
01:53:32.480 --> 01:53:37.600
down. Start with 10 minutes sitting there. It's going to take you a while to wrestle your brain

1679
01:53:37.600 --> 01:53:41.520
back because it's going to go 400 different ways. And it may do it for months on end

1680
01:53:41.520 --> 01:53:44.560
until you get trained to sit in silence, not always talking.

1681
01:53:46.160 --> 01:53:54.000
Transference happens in silence with you in the spirit realm. The transference happens.

1682
01:53:54.000 --> 01:53:58.320
The more you learn to be quiet with the Lord, you're going to learn how to be more quiet in life.

1683
01:53:59.200 --> 01:54:03.600
More still. When I say quiet, it's not about shutting your mouth. It's about the stillness

1684
01:54:03.600 --> 01:54:07.440
and your safety in stillness. I love that.

1685
01:54:13.040 --> 01:54:18.080
Your safety in stillness. You want to feel safe with it. Right now, you don't feel safe when

1686
01:54:18.080 --> 01:54:23.840
somebody's not talking because you feel like something's going on. It extends from what

1687
01:54:23.840 --> 01:54:30.240
happened with your mom. You can definitely take a look at that, but let this be your practice.

1688
01:54:30.320 --> 01:54:34.400
Okay, I'm about to practice with this guy. And then when y'all were talking on the phone and

1689
01:54:34.400 --> 01:54:38.400
you don't have anything else, say, well, I ran out of words for now. It's okay.

1690
01:54:39.040 --> 01:54:45.040
Good to come to the end. Let's chat another time. I like that.

1691
01:54:47.360 --> 01:54:52.000
The abundance of your words don't... I don't know. I know it's hard for us to believe as ladies.

1692
01:54:52.000 --> 01:54:56.720
We believe the more we talk, the more we know, the better decision we can make, but it's not true.

1693
01:54:56.720 --> 01:55:00.240
The more you observe, the more you know and observe.

1694
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:11.480
takes time. The more you talk, the more you know helps you create a false sense of certainty.

1695
01:55:11.480 --> 01:55:19.200
Certainty puts you in a position of missing things and causing a little more pain, making

1696
01:55:19.200 --> 01:55:27.360
quick decisions, not seeing things, taking your time, you know, all of those things.

1697
01:55:28.360 --> 01:55:37.360
And he's doing this Bible study and I think he's trying to hint that he wants to study Bible together.

1698
01:55:37.360 --> 01:55:43.360
I kind of touched when I was like, I don't want to, you know, get to know you spiritually and not really get to know who you are.

1699
01:55:43.360 --> 01:55:52.360
And he said he's done that before, too. So how's the what's the time frame when you start talking about like more spiritual things, like if we're really on the same page?

1700
01:55:52.360 --> 01:55:59.360
Yeah, well, y'all go exclusive at the minimum of 60 days, 90 days, definitely.

1701
01:55:59.360 --> 01:56:05.360
So six is a minimum. So Jackie says she teaches in her book dating club.

1702
01:56:05.360 --> 01:56:11.360
The first month is for data. The second month is for.

1703
01:56:11.360 --> 01:56:15.360
Yeah, first month is for gathering data. The second month is for determining.

1704
01:56:15.360 --> 01:56:23.360
I don't forget. I already must be too late. Oh, goodness. Who knows it? Who's in a book club and knows? But their response.

1705
01:56:23.360 --> 01:56:43.360
The first month is for data. The second month is for data. The second month is kind of like for evaluation to see if y'all would be a good fit.

1706
01:56:44.360 --> 01:56:49.360
And in the third month, you're coming up on the 90 days and you get to make a decision.

1707
01:56:49.360 --> 01:57:00.360
If you want to move forward with that person and so you're just in the first stages of collecting data, when you do spiritual Bible study, reading and stuff like that, when you go exclusive.

1708
01:57:00.360 --> 01:57:02.360
Thank you. That's super helpful.

1709
01:57:03.360 --> 01:57:13.360
I wouldn't suggest it, but, you know, if you go go exclusive next week, I wouldn't tell you to start talking spiritual talk.

1710
01:57:13.360 --> 01:57:27.360
Right. That's out. That's out of order. So what I'm saying is go exclusive at a minimum at day 60, but for wonderful results at day 90, there's three months.

1711
01:57:27.360 --> 01:57:33.360
I mean, you can have wonderful results at 62, but just a minimum of 60 days.

1712
01:57:33.360 --> 01:57:41.360
Give yourself at least two months to evaluate things. And once you go exclusive, then you can start like studying the Bible together if you want.

1713
01:57:41.360 --> 01:57:48.360
That's helpful. That's how because he's already he keeps dropping multiple hints like I want us to grow in the word together.

1714
01:57:48.360 --> 01:57:54.360
Oh, my goodness. And I want you to get a little bit more fire.

1715
01:57:54.360 --> 01:57:59.360
What you're going to have to do is and I want you to remember this, Mika.

1716
01:57:59.360 --> 01:58:08.360
Your husband is not is very likely that he won't come with the ministry on you, the type of anointing that you carry or the fire.

1717
01:58:08.360 --> 01:58:15.360
He doesn't have to. God puts people together on assignment and what you carry will light a fire in his life.

1718
01:58:15.360 --> 01:58:19.360
He doesn't have to come with it. You don't need a reflection of yourself.

1719
01:58:19.360 --> 01:58:24.360
You need a husband that is committed to righteousness. Fire can die out.

1720
01:58:24.360 --> 01:58:28.360
It is not a determinant of who a person or where they're going in Christ.

1721
01:58:28.360 --> 01:58:32.360
There are many believers who have a testimony that I used to pray. I used to be this way.

1722
01:58:32.360 --> 01:58:40.360
I used to be that way. None of those things are. This is a commitment to the journey of growth.

1723
01:58:40.360 --> 01:58:45.360
No, you don't have to give a person your timeline of what you want to happen.

1724
01:58:45.360 --> 01:58:49.360
You should give your time when you want to go to school. No, no, no, no.

1725
01:58:49.360 --> 01:58:55.360
You just let it when you get to 90 days. Jackie says at that point you want to have a comfort.

1726
01:58:55.360 --> 01:59:02.360
You let them bring up the conversation about the direction of the relationship.

1727
01:59:02.360 --> 01:59:08.360
So inside of you, I'm just responding to a check inside of you, you know, you know.

1728
01:59:08.360 --> 01:59:13.360
You know, the days are going, you know what you're working toward.

1729
01:59:13.360 --> 01:59:19.360
But yeah. And so be mindful of that. All of that. Thank you.

1730
01:59:19.360 --> 01:59:25.360
A person, even if a man is a Methodist and you are charismatic, a fighter, they don't mean anything.

1731
01:59:25.360 --> 01:59:31.360
If a man is committed to righteousness, he's committed to righteousness. A righteous man can hear from his father.

1732
01:59:31.360 --> 01:59:36.360
If he's a man of integrity, he's a man of integrity. He's a man of character. He's a man of character.

1733
01:59:36.360 --> 01:59:43.360
If he's a man that is teachable, whatever environment he gets in, he's going to be taught of his God.

1734
01:59:43.360 --> 01:59:46.360
I mean, I mean, he's in the right environment.

1735
01:59:46.360 --> 01:59:51.360
He's teachable and he's committed to righteousness. He can outgrow you.

1736
01:59:51.360 --> 01:59:56.360
That's how they grow. Very. They grow very, very quickly.

1737
01:59:56.360 --> 01:59:59.360
Wow.

1738
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:05.520
And so, yeah, just be mindful that you don't have to cover that part.

1739
02:00:06.480 --> 02:00:08.880
Thank you, ma'am. That was super helpful. I appreciate it.

1740
02:00:09.520 --> 02:00:13.840
All right, keep us updated. I'll let you know next week how the day goes.

1741
02:00:14.960 --> 02:00:20.560
That's right. Ladies, you've been amazing. You've held on. And I'm so happy to see all of y'all.

1742
02:00:20.560 --> 02:00:25.360
Keep us updated. Come into the chat. There's going to be an activation posted. Go ahead and

1743
02:00:26.320 --> 02:00:30.880
enjoy that activation. I pray that all of you guys have the best night until I see you again.

1744
02:00:30.880 --> 02:00:37.680
Oh, glad it was such a rich session. Y'all were amazing. Good night.