Welcome, welcome everyone.
Welcome to Ask Jackie.
This is going to be a hybrid of Ask Jackie and Modern Dating Sucks, which just means
that I'm going to coach and answer your questions from the modality in my brand new book.
If you have not gotten that book yet, you might want to get it.
It's available on Amazon.
It's also available on my website, JackieDorman.com.
So grab it.
All of you that are here tonight are all in our VIP community, so that means that you
have been around for a while, so you're not new to me and you're not new to the things
that we do here in Last Year Single, but you might be new to some of that information that's
in that book.
I am writing from a front row seat to so many love stories, to so many things that I see
people do wrong over and over and over and over again, so I think that it is definitely
worth a read.
It's an easy read, just like all of my books.
You guys, I write in a conversational tone, which means that I write in a way that you
don't have to be smarter than a fifth grader to read, and it's probably going to sound
just like me talking right now.
I don't write in a way that I don't talk.
In fact, often people say, Jackie, when I read your books, it sounds like you're just
talking to me.
And I'm like, I like that.
That's what I want.
If you are waiting for the Audible version to come out, I will probably have that done
by the end of summer.
I have a lot going on right now.
You guys, we are finishing up.
In fact, some of our master coaches flew into Austin, they are here right now, and we are
finishing up all of the stuff that needs to be finished up in order for us to launch the
community-based matchmaking last year single app.
So get excited about that.
That is on the very near horizon.
It's not far in the future.
It's very close in the future.
We are just deciding a few things here and there.
And some of you that have been around for a while, and some of you that are brand new
and are landing in a certain age group, we're going to be inviting some of you to weigh
in on your favorite things about all kinds of different things, because we want to get
your feedback before we finish up.
So if you get an email from us that says, Hey, you know, we would love for you to weigh
in, or we would love you to fill out this questionnaire, do it, do it.
You're like, but why me, Jackie?
Why would I be picked for that?
Because you might be the age that we need.
You might have the story that we need.
Maybe you're a single mom or single dad.
Perhaps you're divorced.
Perhaps you've never been married.
Perhaps you were impacted by the purity culture, I kiss dating goodbye culture.
Perhaps you have said more than one time that you have no success with apps.
Some of you have said that you have no community, you have no friends.
And so if you have said anything in those categories and many, many more categories
in a live session, if you've made a comment like that on a live session, it's possible
that we recorded that information.
And now you're on our list.
Okay.
In a good way, meaning that, Hey, we need to dig into that a little bit more.
This app that we're releasing is going to solve the problems that modern singles have
when it comes to dating.
We're not interested in putting out a dating app.
People have been asking me for years, Jackie, are you going to put out a dating app?
When's your dating app coming out?
Where's your dating app?
Now we do have a database spirit mate match, but I never wanted to put out a dating app.
And the reason why is because people hate dating apps.
Why would I just want to put out a dating app?
People don't like to date strangers on the internet.
Am I right?
People hate the apps.
And so why would I want to do that?
It's just recreating the wheel and a wheel that nobody likes.
And so I have no interest of doing that, but I do have an interest in bringing back the
village, which I write about in my book.
If you're like, what is she talking about?
I write about bringing back the village.
The thing that's wrong with modern dating is that we're missing the village.
And so bringing back the village, bringing back the way that people have met other people
for centuries, and I'm going to bring that back and more via this new technology that
you guys are going to have your hot little hands on.
So if you even thought, even considered leaving this beautiful community in the next 60 days,
I would put that on pause, honey, because this is going to be tested with all of you.
And with what I call Jackie's list, we have a whole list of singles that we're involved
with that are six degrees of separation from us.
And we are going to be having a good time as we test this out.
So you guys will be our test.
Subjects are little cute little guinea pigs and we're excited for that to happen. All right, so that's all my announcements for right now
Let us jump into some ask Jackie if you're new and you just made it to VIP community. Welcome
This is the session where you get to coach with me Jackie D
You get to ask me all of your questions about relationships about dating about men about women about God about the timeline
About anything and everything about sex, whatever you want
I'm here to answer your questions if I know the answer and if I don't know the answer, we'll have a good time
just talking about it and trying to figure out the answer together and I'm going to be doing most of
The answering from the philosophies in this book. This book is a very practical book
It is a field guide to the wild wild west that is modern dating
And so oh I want to tell you I'm doing one more book club
This will be the third one and it's the last one for summer. So people talked about how
Weekends were better for them than weeknights. And so we're trying this out
We haven't really done this before for any of our book clubs, but Sunday evenings starting this Sunday on the 19th
7 p.m. Central if you can't be there live you can't get the replay
It is going to be the last book club of summer
So if you've been putting it off, but you wanted to join but you put it off like I missed it
I missed it Monday nights weren't good for me Tuesday nights weren't good for me. Guess what Sunday night starting on the 19th
We would love to have you
For those of you that took the book club or you're still in it. Go ahead and put some hearts some fire emojis
Some thumbs up in the chat letting people know. Hey, it's a good time. I've met new people. I've learned new things
I feel confident in
my ability to get out there and be successful most of you are doing something that I call dating with a
Daters
Mindset you're dating from a dating mindset and I want to make you a matchmaker
The reason why I'm a great matchmaker is because I have a matchmakers mindset
I think like a matchmaker and even before when I was single
I thought like a matchmaker God has given me a matchmakers mind meaning that I'm always looking for the connection
I'm always looking for the thread to pull. I'm always looking to connect the dots and this is why I
Have been successful at a lot of things not just pairing people together for them to get married
But also pairing people with their brand new
Stylus with a house that was for sale on the market with a job that they might have been looking for
I'm a born connector
That's what I do and some of you may have that gift as well
But you're not using it or not thinking about using it for yourself in the area of your love life
But I have always been someone who is looking out for other people
I'm the person that's going to notice that someone has a tear in their eye and a crowd full of people
I'm gonna notice that
I'm gonna notice that someone seems lost or they seem confused or they don't know
Doesn't seem like they know where they're going or what they're doing
I'm the person that's gonna notice that someone needs help. Why because I'm a student of people
I love people and you know, who else loves people God loves people
And so that's what makes me a great matchmaker because I'm genuinely interested in other people
But a lot of people walk through life with their head down or their head down looking at their phone
Part of the reason you're single possibly is because you're distracted
You're not paying attention. You don't have your head up
You're not embracing the world and or you're in crisis mode you're in
Victim mode you're in survival mode
And so when you're out in the world, all you're doing is trying to get through the day
All you're doing is trying to survive. All you're doing is trying to make it safely back to your
Isolation, whatever that is your house your condo your apartment your trailer down by the river
Whatever it is that you're doing out there is just surviving
So you're not paying a lot of attention to the people around you
You're not noticing
if people are looking at you or smiling at you or
Noticing you or wondering about you. You're also not noticing the needs of other people
Because you have unmet needs and you're trying to run through life
Focused on that and I get it
When we get into survival mode we get into tunnel vision where it's really hard to see the needs of others
Because we are in such desperate need ourselves and that makes a lot of sense you guys
That makes a lot of sense
Okay
All right friends, so I
Want you to not only become your own matchmaker. I mean God's the matchmaker, right?
He's the ultimate matchmaker, but he works through people
God works through
of people. So for all of you that are out there just trying to go it alone, just reading
the signs like you're reading tea leaves, like you're reading palms, like you're reading
crystal balls. You're like, what? Yeah. You're kind of like a Christian psychic. You're out
here just like guessing at all of these things, these signs that you're seeing, the name on
the side of the bus or this or that, you know, you're reading a lot into very little.
And I want to encourage you to stop doing that and instead come into community like
here and share the things that you think you're feeling or sensing so that other people can
push back, namely your coaches, and help you from being out here doing something cray cray.
Okay. Dating wasn't meant to happen in isolation. That's what this book is about. The village
is going to keep you safe if you date within the village. Not meaning someone in the village,
but you date in the village, meaning you bring whoever you're dating into the village and
you let the village take a good look at them. Take a look at them. Okay. It's important.
Very, very important. All right. We're going to go ahead and start. There isn't anyone
who has signed up to jump in the love seat as far as I know, but if you do want to jump
in a love seat, go ahead and raise your hand. Friends, I need you when you get in the love
seat and I call upon you and I highlight you. I need you to be very quick with your question.
We cannot have 15 years of backstory because it just doesn't work. A lot of people want
to ask questions when we get on these sessions. All right. Uh, Vivian says, yes, Jackie noticed
when I got super emotional. Oh, I'm so glad that God was highlighting you that day, Vivian,
that you got spoken to. I love that. That's great. Does that then also tell us we're not
ready to date yet? Jackie, if we are in that mode that you just described, well, here's
the thing, Pauline, you can get ready real quickly. If you're just willing to embrace
new tools and a new operating system, friends getting ready, doesn't have to take a long
time. If you are willing to allow someone to point out your blind spots so that we can
just move forward, you're going to have to fail forward when it comes to anything in
life and dating included. Now, does that feel forward have to look like getting in bed with
someone and feeling humiliated and ashamed when they break up with you the next day?
No. Does that feel forward have to look like giving someone some money because they said
that they loved you and they were a scammer and they ran off with your money? No. Does
it get failing forward look like getting in a relationship with someone who has no intention
of, you know, it being a long-term relationship that's just using you for your money for this
or that, and then you're broken hearted and you're left at the end and it's just humiliating?
No, that's not what fail forward should look like. That's not what it should look like
at all. Fail forward looks like, Hey, you know, I went on a date and after two dates
with the person, they, I noticed that there were some deal breakers and this person's
just not my person. So I released them back to the wild, right? I blessed them. I left
them better than I found them. Now, is it a failure as far as they're not a love connection?
Yes. But are you moving forward? Yes. It's a failure kind of right, but it's also a win.
It's a failure because they didn't end up being your spirit mate, but a wins a win.
It was a win because you got some practice. You notice what you need and what you want.
You release them. You found them, but you left them better than you found them and you
got to move on. And so did they. It's good. It is good, good, good. Okay. Um, Paul needs
access to the village. Well, that's good, Paul, because we'll be building the village
now. Guys on this new platform, you'll be able to build your village and villagers will
actually be, um, not assigned to you, but they will be recommended to you. And because
remember friends, this is not just about your spirit mate, healthy marriages, strong marriages
happen in healthy, strong communities. And so we are creating a healthy, strong community
here at last year single. And we have been for a long time. All right. Melissa Dawn has
her hand up. So Melissa, I'm going to go ahead and throw you in the love seat. And
then we are going to answer your question. Hi, Melissa. What do you got? Hi. Um, well,
um, I just, I really appreciate this, um, man of God that I've been getting to know.
I have a lot of admiration for him and respect. And, um, and so like I could list off probably
25 things that I appreciate about his character, including empathy.
the emotional intelligence, faithfulness,
kindheartedness, warmth, on and on.
He's a godly guy.
He's amazing.
And so it's kind of odd to me that I
don't feel more excited.
And I'm not sure why that is.
I think part of it potentially might be our personalities,
which I realize there are lots of different kinds of people
that can combine and every relationship is unique.
However, I feel like the gap on the Myers-Briggs
between intuitive versus sensing is rather stark.
And I'm very intuitive.
And he's extremely strong on the S of the sensing.
And so I guess I always want to be very careful
with people's hearts.
And he's very, very into me.
And I admire and respect him a lot.
And I think he has great character
and many wonderful things I could say about him.
OK, so let's go ahead and just jump in here
and ask this, Melissa.
So how long have you been talking to him?
OK, so I have been speaking with him for, well, since May 28.
So roughly six or almost seven weeks.
And we've logged 91 hours of in-person time together.
It's long distance.
But we're both very intentional people.
And so he's been to Texas to see me.
And I've been to his state to see him.
And yeah, so we've logged a good amount of in-person time.
OK, 91 hours over how many actual in-person visits?
Was this just like a marathon, two marathon weekends or what?
Yeah, definitely.
Because of my availability in the summer is quite different.
And so we're kind of making the most of the time
that I will not be super stressed out with my job.
OK, let me ask you a question about yourself.
You just have to remind me.
There's a lot of people in this community.
Oh, totally, yeah.
Have you ever been married before?
I have never been married.
I'm single, never married, no kids.
And he is the same.
He's what?
He's also been in the same situation.
OK, so are you, OK, so forget the intuitive sensing thing.
Are you attracted to this guy?
Are you physically attracted to him?
I think he's an attractive man.
OK, I'm going to, my question, I love you.
You're a beautiful woman.
Are you physically attracted to him?
I am attracted to him.
I just, he feels a lot, I think what it is, Jackie,
is he feels and looks a lot older,
even though he's technically younger than I am.
And so I just feel kind of old with him,
even though I don't normally feel old.
Is he boring?
I hesitate to say that word because.
I already wrote it down.
OK.
This is always what I run into.
You're bored.
I'm trying not to.
He's sensing and I'm intuitive.
What you're really saying is I'm spontaneous and fun
and he's not.
And so what are we going to do?
Does he have another side to him?
He could be putting this side out.
Can you ask him if he has another side to him?
Would you be interested in seeing maybe
a more fun, lighthearted, more go
with the flow, spontaneous side of this guy?
I would.
And I will tell you that he does have a fun side
and it has come out.
I just think that I tend to be very,
like I'm a very deep, abstract, intuitive, intellectual,
kind of also playful person.
Like I have a wide range and he's much more like systematic
and I want to tell you something really important
because you're a woman and some of what you're talking about
are men.
Oh, yeah.
This is what ladies, all of you that are like Melissa,
please listen.
She is describing some of the things that she is describing,
not that men can't be contemplative because they can't,
not that men are not intelligent because they are,
but the deep wanting someone to go deep into emotional places
with you, in intuitive places, even spiritual places.
A lot of women really are looking for this in a man,
but it is a very spiritually feminine quality.
Okay, it's a very spiritual feminine quality.
And I find that a lot of my super, super deep
clients have a real hard time feeling attached or emotionally attracted to people who can't
meet them in those deep reservoirs.
And I just want to let you know that actually that wouldn't make a good spouse for you.
You need someone who's going to kind of watch out on the surface a little bit.
Not that they're, they need to be able to understand you.
They need to be able to not judge you for going into these deep places thinking that
you're too dramatic or you're too serious or you're too deep.
You need someone who's going to appreciate and value this trait about you, but it's better
to have a complimentary opposite than a twin.
Okay.
But you know what I'm going to say to you, Melissa, is that sometimes at the beginning
of getting to know someone, it's hard to feel that connection that you're looking for because
this is how you process connection.
You know what I'm saying?
So it's going to seem a little, maybe boring wasn't the right word, it's going to seem
a little shallow.
Okay.
You know, it's going to seem a little surface, maybe it's going to seem like, Hey, is there
anything more here?
Is there any more depth here?
You know, and I want to encourage you to find out if there are, you know, ask this man to
meet you in some deep places.
Now that you guys have logged 91 in person hours and you said you're both intentional,
I would encourage you to see if he can share some deep stuff with you about how he feels
and about, you know, things that have happened in his life.
That's appropriate here, friends.
Those of you that go deep and you meet other deep people on dates and you go deep too fast
and you're sharing all of your hopes and dreams and everything you've ever felt and you're
going to these deep, deep, deep, intimate places in conversation that can blow up in
your face pretty quick because that is, um, you know, the boundaries are not really great
in that situation.
So I, my instinct says, Melissa, that you should not throw this fish back right now
that you should just see if this, you know, if you can go, if you guys can go deeper together,
kind of invite some depth.
Now I did hear your heart when you said he likes me more than I like him at this point
and you don't want to hurt him or break his heart.
Exactly.
I feel incredibly, I know I shouldn't feel responsible, but I'm just very sensitive to
like being very careful with people's hearts because he has a very amazing heart and I
just want to be a part of blessing him and not needlessly hurting him.
And this is, but this is exactly why you do not need a sensitive man as your husband.
Too sensitive people, not good.
Not good.
That's the most sensitive part though.
It's, but he is very, I mean, in the way that you're sensitive, we don't want that in a
man.
Okay.
Not when we're like that, we need the complimentary opposite.
Now when you say he's kind of older, is that the vibe he gives off or he just straight up
looks older?
Like he's been left out in the sun for a little too long.
Well, um, he's a very attractive man, um, but he does, he, he is actually younger than
I am, but he looks older because what way, the way he dresses, the way he carries himself
or just his straight up skin, he has some sunspots, he has gray hair, um, he has more
wrinkles.
Um, and I know I sell, feel very superficial mentioning these things.
Um, well, that's why I said been left on the sun too long because if people look older
than they are normally is because of, you know, their come from a nationality that sun
damages their skin quicker.
Okay.
No, it is true.
I mean, wrinkles friends, if you have a lot of wrinkles, you probably put the baby oil
on when you were a kid and you were out in the sun a lot.
And it just, people always ask me why I look so young because I don't go in the sun.
I don't bake in the sun.
That's why.
Um, so a lot of what you're talking about can be reversed.
It can be reversed with, you know, a little BBL laser for the sunspots.
It can be reversed with a little eye cream, the gray hair.
We don't, we don't like men to dye their hair, but you know, it could be, you know, there
could be a little zhuzh going on there.
All I'm saying is, is that if that's the only thing, cause you said he is attractive and
you are attracted to him.
You just can't get deep with him.
And getting deep is how you really feel safe and like really attracted.
Right.
And that's happened.
I want to be clear, Jackie, I think you're on point about this, but we have connected
deeply in person.
And that's more like when we're like face-to-face chatting, but whenever he's like in the normal
mode moving through the world, he's very like point A to B to C, which is fine.
I think that's just his being a man, which I respect and have space for.
But I just think that sometimes like, just like.
Sometimes it's hard to connect.
A lot of times it's good and fine,
but then there's like the very long, awkward conversation.
And I don't know if it's true.
Melissa, you're just talking about,
you're just talking about the pitfalls
of long distance right now.
Is that it?
That's where this coaching call has now evolved to.
Friends, you see how we kept talking
and you know, Melissa and I did,
and we kept hitting on some things,
but the more information that Melissa shares,
the more that we see that
this is just a long distance situation.
Cause she said, when he's in person,
we're able to go deeper.
You know, I like what's happening when we're in person.
You know, I feel connected to him,
but all the other time,
which is the longer portion of time,
when he is not, you know, he's from point,
he's all business.
He's from point A to point B, you know,
so many people, Melissa, hate talking on the phone.
They do not feel like they can really connect
talking on the phone.
I'm one of those people.
Please don't call me on the phone.
I don't like to talk on the phone.
And so he is showing you who he is in person,
but so many people are not good texters.
They're not good electronic communicators.
They're not good on the phone.
It just becomes awkward and stale.
So it really sounds like that's what you're running into.
Can you please tell me again the distance between you?
Where do you live?
You live in Texas.
Where does he live?
And he is like Northwest, in the Northwest.
And then I'm actually gonna be in PA,
which is where I spend part of the year,
is in Pennsylvania, so.
But he's already planning to come see me.
And so he's incredibly dedicated.
How close will you be to him when you're up there?
In PA, we'll be opposite.
He's Northwest.
Okay.
He's gonna come and see you there.
Correct.
Yeah, he already booked a flight and everything.
And I have, yeah, so.
Here's the good news.
Yeah.
Everyone that is even thinking about doing long distance,
please listen up.
My thoughts on long distance have really, really expanded
in the last six years,
because I have walked so many people
through long distance connections,
and then courtships, and then marriages.
And here are my hard, fast rules for long distance.
You cannot get super, super serious,
meaning engaged, planning the future,
with someone that you do not do life with in person
for a season of time.
Meaning that someone,
so say Melissa and this man continue to talk,
continue to visit with each other,
decide that, hey, this is headed towards marriage.
They can't even begin to really dig into that,
talk about that, plan that,
unless one of them is able to move,
even temporarily, to where the other person lives,
and they do in-person, everyday life together.
That is a non-negotiable for me.
And you wanna know why?
Because I have seen way too many times
people not truly get to know or know this person
enough to a place where after they get married,
it doesn't become a train wreck, okay?
I'm just telling you, in-person hits differently.
Even marathon dates are not going to make up for that.
Day in and day out,
people cannot hide crazy for long periods of time.
Day in and day out has to be what it is,
getting to know their community,
getting to know where they live and where they go to church
and what other people think of them,
vital in long distance relationship.
So are either of you remote?
I mean, well, he is open to moving where I am,
and I've actually already met some of his community,
including mentors, close friends.
They're all very godly and think highly of him.
And he's about to meet some of my community
and my people that I've walked very deeply with
the whole time I've been in Pennsylvania.
So we are dating in a healthy community,
given the distance.
And so, I mean, I feel like we're doing what we can do.
And I have, he's like, I never get tired of you.
Well, of course not.
You guys barely know each other.
It's only been a couple months
and you've only had two marathon dates.
My question to you is, are either one of you remote?
He could be.
With your jobs.
I'm not.
I mean, in the summers, I'm able to be location independent,
which is why I've taken advantage of the summer
to spend an extended amount of time
in the Northwest where he is.
But like, and then he's gonna come
before I start my work in the fall.
He's coming for like probably.
four or five days in like before, like in a few weeks,
couple of weeks from now to spend extended amounts of time.
There's breaks.
What's the extended amount of time?
Well, I think it's about over four days, maybe five days.
And then I have a time where I could spend
two or three weeks at a time.
Like I can be flexible on that and work from other places.
Two or three weeks, four weeks, five weeks.
You guys, this is what I'm talking about.
This is not just Melissa Dawn that I'm talking to.
I'm talking to all of y'all, okay?
We're not talking about four or five days.
That's great.
And long distance, I love it that they're seeing
each other a lot more than a lot of people do.
But if you really want to build connection,
if you really want to see if this is your person,
like really your person, you know, you have to,
at minimum, you know, be spending two to three weeks,
you know, doing life with them.
Their regular life.
You guys, this is not an episode of The Bachelor
where we make it a vacation
and we're doing all kinds of things.
No, whatever it is that they regularly do,
we call it chore-mancing.
You know, it's romancing your chores.
You know, going to their grocery store with them,
you know, hanging out with their friends,
going to their church, doing their things.
You know, not that you're gonna relocate to him
or he's gonna relocate to you.
That doesn't even have to be decided right now.
Both of you need to be open to, regardless,
unless there's shared parenting, you guys.
And then, you know, if you're not moving
to where that person is, then you can't be with them
because they're not gonna give up their kids for you.
All right?
I've seen people try to give up their kids for a match.
And please, please, please, please don't do that.
But chore-mancing.
So regular, boring, everyday life.
What's it gonna look like to be together?
You know, how do they keep their house?
Not that you're gonna be living at their house.
And here's how you make this more inexpensive.
If they do have community, family, someone can put you up.
You can live in an extra bedroom
in someone's house for two or three weeks.
And, or, you know, you guys can split the cost
of an Airbnb or something like that.
I do not recommend, we do have,
we have people that have done this,
but I do not recommend, I know you're all adults.
So if you do this, it's on you.
Like, I'm not saying that it's bad.
I'm not saying that it's evil or a sin,
but I do know people who have even stayed
in extra bedrooms in the person's house.
Y'all know that that could be a slippery, slippery slope.
So you know yourself, you make that decision.
But the bottom line is, is that two to three weeks
at a time, doing regular life together,
seeing how they, if they're a parent, how do they parent?
What's their parenting style look like?
I have so many couples that are married now
that the biggest fights they have
are they just really didn't,
do not like the way this other person's parenting.
They don't like it, even though they don't have kids.
They just don't like the way this person's parenting.
It's a constant battle.
They don't like the way this person lives.
They don't like their habits, whether it's cleanliness,
whether it's, you know, we have people that get married
where they've just been single for such a long time.
They go to bed at 8.30 and you got this other person
that's going to bed at 12, one o'clock in the morning.
You're like, Jackie, that's a little thing.
People need to get over that, but they don't,
they don't get over it.
And so, Melissa, I think this sounds great.
I think that this guy sounds, did you take the book club?
I have not, but I've read practically
most of the book at this point.
Okay.
I feel like he has your non-negotiables.
Yeah.
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah.
I would say, and yes, his character is remarkable
and it's very rare for me to find someone
who challenges me in a healthy way.
And I appreciate that a lot and respect that a lot.
So.
Yeah.
I think that that's, that's super important.
He's being very masculine.
Like the three Ms are solid, you know?
So I'm like.
That's great.
You need that.
That's stuff that you need.
And the other stuff, the superficial stuff,
don't even worry about that.
We can fix that.
You said he's attractive.
You know, he's got a little wear and tear.
We can, we can deal with that.
The stuff you're talking about,
as far as him not being deep and intentional
when you guys are apart, that's just,
that's just long distance.
Long distance is super, super hard.
Okay.
And so I see a lot of really good green lights here.
So I hope that you decide to continue to give him a chance
because it sounds great.
Thank you, Jackie.
I really appreciate that.
It means a lot coming from you.
And I, I felt a temptation to like give up yesterday
because our one conversation was so boring.
I'm like, I'm not a quitter.
Like, I don't just quit.
And so I'm like, just go through the awkwardness.
Just embrace the weirdness of dating
because we're weird humans.
And when you get distance, he is very intentional.
He's doing it.
doing a great job. He's a man of God. He has so much that I
but you said it's not boring in person.
It's not it's peaceful. It's calm. And it's more connected.
It's just, I think
and it's fun. You said he's fun. He's fun in person.
can be fun. I'm more fun to be honest, but he's fun, too.
Okay, so it's important that you let him know at this juncture,
especially since he's falling for you. You need to start to
communicate your needs. Okay.
Now, if you guys have to play games on your long distance
phone calls, if you guys have to, you know, watch a movie
together, if you have to, you need to play games, if you need
to go on a date where you know, you just take him with you and
you're talking to him on the date, you guys are both going
hiking, whatever. There's all kinds of websites out there that
give ideas for long distance dating as far as like things you
can do like over technology together. Do it to spice it up,
make it fun. You know, there's cards, you can ask each other
questions, there's all kinds of things, but let him know, Hey,
you know, I, you know, the next time that we're in person, you
know, I want to do something that you really are good at
whether he's a good bowler, or, you know, he's a good swimmer.
You need to in order for you not to get the ick ladies pay
attention. In order for you not to get the ick. You have to see
this guy excelling in the things that come naturally to him.
Because you want to just be able to look at him and be like, like
my husband's an amazing singer. So we'll go to karaoke and I'd
be like, man, he's so sexy, because he's confident and he's
doing something he's super good at and it brings them out of his
shell. And he's super fun. He's also a great golfer. So he'll
take me when we were dating, we went to the golf range and he's
hitting them all the way, you know, all the way out. And I was
just like, wow, he's so masculine. He's so good. You
know, ladies, we need to make sure we're giving these guys a
chance to shine instead of, you know, having them do our feminine
activities where they're kind of boring. They're not fun. They're
not lively because they're not into it. And it's hard to get
into just sitting across from someone at coffee or food. So
let's make sure that we're doing things that are super, super fun
in person and things that are in their wheelhouse so that they
can show us the best of themselves. Make sense?
It does. And that's why kayaking working out together and doing a
lot of things, hiking, we did all that. And it was amazing.
Yeah, it's exactly what you're saying, Jackie.
Yes, that's all you need. And you've never been married,
Melissa. So it's kind of scary.
It is scary. I just don't want to go along with someone.
Yeah, I just want to be really wise and respectful and caring
and just, you know, not do it wrong.
So you know, give him a chance to win your heart and also tell
him how. Okay. Give him some hints. Give him some guys need
some hints. Okay. All right. Please report back because we
really want to know. Okay, thank you excited for you. This is so
exciting. That's so kind. Yes. Yeah, I love this for you.
You're so beautiful inside and out. I love it.
Thank you, Jackie. Thanks for your help. I wouldn't be here
without you.
I love it. Thank you. You guys. If someone is beautiful inside
and out as Melissa can be single, then you know, why are
you feeling bad? Okay. She's never been married. Well, I know
but people are always just like, well, I'm single because blah,
blah, blah. No, y'all. We're all single because the game is
rigged. That's the reason why. So stop feeling sorry for
yourself. You've been feeling sorry for yourself. And don't
untrust me. I see you because I see the comments that you make
on my Instagram over here over there. And I get it. You're
discouraged. But you need to know that it's not you. I mean,
there might be some things you need to work on. There probably
is. But overall, it is the system that's broken. You were
born into a really weird generation when it comes to
marriage and family. But we're gonna win. Right? Amen. Are we
gonna win? We're gonna win. We're gonna get together. We're
all gonna get a matchmaker mindset. We're gonna play
matchmaker for each other, not just ourselves. And we're going
to win. By the way, that's the other thing about the
community-based matchmaking app. It gives you the ability to be a
matchmaker for other people. I cannot be the only matchmaker.
The other 20 people that are out here trying to matchmake
Christians, we cannot be the only matchmakers. The real true
matchmakers needs to be singles that are, you know, connected to
the Lord, you know, that have supernatural, supernatural lives
that are just in spaces with other single people and are
willing to be the point of connection between one person
and another. That's what has to happen. Okay. All right, let's
go. We're gonna go girl, boy, girl, boy. And because we only
have one guy, we're gonna go with Kenton. Go ahead, Kenton.
I'm gonna
Spotlight you.
Just have to put it on the speaker.
There we go.
Thanks so much, Jack.
I appreciate it.
Before you say anything, I want to ask you,
are you in like a level three relationship or what?
No, I'm not.
Okay, go ahead.
What's your question?
All right.
A couple of questions.
One is, now you're talking about long distance.
That's going to be what my factor is,
because most of the, our ladies in LYS are in the States.
And so I work one weekend and then one week out
as working up in the North in the mines.
So we live, I live in the camps, in other words.
So that's going to be a little more difficult
having them stay with me for periods of times,
because I'll be gone for a solid week.
And the second one is talk,
if you can talk a little more about,
I understand not giving up your kids,
but there might be that element
that we might have to discuss grandchildren though,
and how that will work out.
Because I've got 10 of them,
and no doubt she'll have a few as well.
Okay, so let's talk about this first and foremost.
And I see that Tim's on here, like,
don't give hints, ladies.
Ladies, yes, you need to be clear with your,
I mean, what I mean by hints is,
and I should have used a different word.
You're right, men are not mind readers,
and they don't actually pick up on,
you know, unclear hints very well.
So directly talk about your needs,
directly talk about your needs,
but don't be bossy or pushy is basically what I'm saying.
Don't be bossy or pushy.
Just say, hey, you know,
I really wanna see more of your fun side.
What sounds like fun to you?
How about that?
I wanna see more of your fun side.
What sounds like fun to you?
Like, what makes you feel like a kid?
Let's go do that.
All right, okay, so Kenton, good questions.
A lot of you older singles, all right,
old enough to know better singles, let's say that,
are entrenched where you are.
You're entrenched, especially if you've been married
and you have kids, your kids are grown up
and now you have grandkids.
A lot of people don't wanna move away from where they are.
And so I asked one of my clients this just recently,
and I'm gonna ask all of you guys this.
This is important.
Are you listening?
I don't want you to answer right away.
I want you to take a couple minutes to think about it,
and then I'll tell you when I want you
to put the answer in the chat.
Nobody answer this right now.
If you do, then we'll all know you cannot follow directions.
Okay, and that's a whole nother problem.
I want you to take a minute to think about it,
and then you think about it,
and then I'm gonna talk to Kenton,
and then I'm gonna ask it again,
and then that's when you're gonna answer it.
Okay, all of you guys are single right now.
Let me ask you this question.
You're single, you have a life that you're living.
A lot of you have a good life that you like,
and you have community, and you have friends,
and you maybe have grown children,
or you have grandchildren.
Maybe you don't, but maybe you have a church that you love,
and a job that you're embedded in for whatever reason,
a business that you built.
It doesn't matter what it is.
Here's the question.
If this is what your life looks like
for the rest of your life,
if nothing changed in the area of your love life,
meaning you never got married, would it be okay?
Don't answer.
Would it be okay?
All right, don't answer.
I'll come back to that.
So Kenton, it comes down to what do you want?
It comes down to what do you want the most,
and in my opinion,
the person with the least amount of community,
the least amount of responsibilities,
maybe the least amount of family,
maybe that person should be the person to relocate.
Now, Canadian and American romances,
we've had a lot of them here at Last Year Single
and Married in 12 Months or Less,
and they're not easy.
Canada and the United States
does not like to play well together.
It's not easy to relocate here as a Canadian,
and it's definitely not easy
for Americans to get Canadian citizenship.
It does happen.
All of our people that have married Canadians
or vice versa, married Americans,
all of them have, except for one,
all of them have moved to America.
So the Canadians relocate it to America,
which seems to be a lot easier.
Not that it is easy, because it's not.
I don't want to tell you that it is,
because it's not, and it's a long process,
but all of them have moved here.
So Kenton, when you date a woman,
you got to keep that in mind,
because her relocating to you
is going to be very, very, very difficult.
You relocating to America
is going to be difficult, but not impossible.
If you're in a situation in your season of life
where the kind of job that you do is hard to find,
and you don't want to give up what you have,
some of you guys have pensions coming,
you have 401Ks,
have all kinds of things and you want to finish strong.
You got to take that into account when you're meeting people.
Cause you know, there's a lot of, there's a lot of cheeky mamas in Canada,
Kenton that you could meet and be with as well.
So now I'm going to ask that question again.
If nothing changed in your love life, would it be okay?
Go ahead and put the answer up. And Kenton, what's your answer?
That is not an easy answer to a question to ask actually or to answer because I
was made to be married. Simple as that.
And so I would have to say personally, not quite honestly, no,
it would not be okay.
That's fair. I want you to say no. If that's what your heart says.
We have a lot of yeses. We have a lot of yeses. No, Tiffany Butler,
there is not a yes and a no. It's a yes or a no question, babe.
I'm going to force you to say yes or no. Not here.
No, I can't. It is a yes and a no. It's okay for me,
but it's not okay for my son. So I would say I would get married for my son.
That's a, I mean, we'll talk about that. We'll talk about that offline.
Cause I don't want to,
I don't want to say anything here that could possibly I know you girl.
So I'm going to talk to you or I'm going to have another conversation with you.
I don't want to say anything here that could be misconstrued or seem harsh or
offensive.
So we're going to talk about that cause I have some immediate thoughts about
that and I'd love to, I'd love to coach you a little bit more on that. Okay.
Um, so lots of you,
more people than I realized are saying yes,
but Kenton who we're coaching right now is saying no. Okay.
So Kenton,
that means that your love story may really stretch you.
Are you cool with that?
I'm good with that.
Right. You're in a good place to be a good place to be. So, you know,
there's planes that go and visit your grandchildren and their grandchildren as
well. If they have them,
women are going to be more reluctant to leave grandchildren.
I'm going to tell you that right now, but
but once again, we're all going to make sacrifices.
You guys know that, right?
We're all going to make sacrifices for the things that we want the most.
We're going to be stretched.
A lot of you are, a lot of you are really, um, and Kenton's one of these people.
So it's perfect that I'm talking to him.
A lot of you guys are used to being stretched and challenged by
circumstances that are out of your control, but those things have come,
you didn't want them to come,
but they did and they stretched and they challenged you.
But I believe in this season,
I'm going to do Supernatural Saturday about this.
I believe we're in the season where God wants to stretch us with opportunities.
That's a whole different type of stretching.
We've been stretched by circumstances that are out of our control,
but now we're going to be stretched by opportunities. And so Kenton,
blessed are the flexible for, they will be flexed.
Oh, absolutely. I mean, it's, it's not a problem. We can,
I can go visit down in the States for six months, less a day.
You can.
And that's exactly what happened because I'm working halfway up in Canada,
but I'm expecting to be a retired by next year.
I've got everything in order basically. And so it should be not a problem.
All right, ladies,
if there's anyone on here that wants to shoot their shot for Kenton, um,
you heard him. He knows that he's meant to be married.
He knows that he's going to be married.
He knows that he is meant to be a husband for someone.
He is flexible to whatever the cert,
whatever the opportunity is that God has for him and wherever that person lives,
he's going to be retiring within a year. Um,
so those of you that are interested, he's,
the house has good bones. He's in good shape, still working,
taking care of himself.
He's been part of this community for a few years.
So we've known him around here. So that's good.
Everyone's like, Kippy's like grab Kenton girl. He's amazing. Take him. Okay.
All right. Jeff, a whole bunch of people want to know how old you are.
I have no idea why. Um,
because none of these ladies should be asking that question, but how old are you?
That's not a problem for me. I'm 67, but my body more looks like a 40.
He is in, he is, he is caped. He kept him,
kept himself in, in some mentor condition y'all. All right.
He's out there being active. Okay. All right.
Top shape. Kenton too. I do like the Oregon coast says Kenton. Okay.
So you cause you're in West Canada, right?
I am. Yes. Uh, we're, I'm just close to the mountains, Rocky mountains.
We do. I lived on the coast as well too. Beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous.
Awesome.
All right, y'all.
Let's, let's put, let's take Kenton out of circulation.
If you know anyone who should meet Kenton, if you want to meet Kenton, go ahead and email
us.
This just turned into a single spotlight because Kenton has been in this community for a few
years.
He's done his heart work and you know, he, he can't grow any further without a woman
to like, you know, a relationship to refine him because you can only do so much heart
work on your own as a single person before you have to be in relationship to, to be refined
and to, uh, sacrifice and to, uh, saying to be sanctified, you know, that's what relationship
does for us.
And so let's take him out of circulation and go ahead and email us if you know someone
who he should meet.
All right, Pauline, Kenton, that was it, right?
That was the only question.
Uh, that's the, well, of course the grandchildren, did we discuss that one?
I think we did.
Didn't we?
Yeah.
We just said, Hey, you're going to have to sacrifice and you can fly and come visit you
for the summer and, or, you know, something, someone, and that's it because an airplane
ticket is easy to get and getting over there, spending a few days, a few, a few weeks.
That's fine.
Cause that's all part of life.
Yeah.
Here's the thing, you guys, I, I never lived near any of my grandparents, but I loved them.
I never lived near them, but I went and spent a couple of weeks in the summer at their house
and stuff.
So, um, God makes a way.
My only grandchildren don't live in the state that I live in and yeah, it's hard.
I FaceTime them.
Technology actually makes it easier.
If we were talking 20 years ago, it's definitely different, even, you know, 15 years ago, but
it's, it's a different game now.
All right.
Pauline, you're up.
Thanks Kenton.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate your time.
Yep.
Hi Jackie.
Hi everyone.
So, um, quick, quick question.
Um, at the context is I think, um, kind of like my experience of dating and relationship
has kind of been clouded by this whole thing about the fear of wanting a relationship or
dating, becoming an idol in, in my walk with God.
And so that's kind of like a marker in the first significant relationship I have in my
twenties.
Now I'm in my forties.
Uh, and so, but that's kind of like being a mark that is lingering.
And then what brought me to hard work, um, in January, early this year was really, um,
I, someone shared a word with me that, um, that maybe this is not the season to be looking
for a partner, but that to find God sufficient as my groom, uh, coming back to the first
love.
So I came in and do the hard work, but I kind of noticed that the fear of dating and wanting
a relationship, um, fearing that it's becoming an idol and that maybe I'm not released and
ready to go back into dating.
That's just a lot of fear.
And I'm just not sure how to assess it.
Um, okay.
Yeah.
So the first thing I want to do is tell you that so many people have had that fear given
to them by what I think is bad theology and bad teaching.
So the very first thing I, you guys, and I'm not going to minimize what she's feeling because
it's so, so many people have come to me with this problem.
Um, and even my own daughter, my own daughter, my youngest daughter, who's 25 and she's been
married for two years now, uh, she, she's known her now husband for five years and not
that she would have gotten married five years ago because she wouldn't have, but she at
the time was in a ministry school and then she went to another ministry school.
She, she, my daughter has done three tours of ministry schools because she's a musician
area.
And so she has felt led by the Lord to do these different missions tracks.
But at every one of those mission schools, they said things like what our dear sister
Pauline is saying, you know, Oh, you know, you shouldn't be, you shouldn't care.
All those mission, all those, all those ministry schools didn't let you date.
There was a no dating rule.
You weren't allowed to be dating anybody either in the school or out of the school.
They want you to fully focus on Jesus.
You guys, there are seasons of our life where I think that it's important that we focus
on our own self development.
But just like I said to Kenton, you can only go so far in your personal development until
you're going to need to be developed within relationship, whether that's romantic relationship
or another relationship, meaning friends, community.
by friendship. We say in last year's single, we say, um, hurt in family, healed in family,
hurt in relationship, healed in relationship, right? We say these things for a reason because
God uses relationships to stretch us, to mature us. I believe that marriage and family is God's
maturity plan for mankind. Does that mean everyone will be married? No. Does that mean that everyone
wants to be married? No. But why will we not want to be married and, or not be married?
It all goes back to the curse friends, because divine design, God's original design
was that he made us male and female, and he put us together period. That's not your idea.
That's God's idea. But then separation came and it's important that you guys take a look at this
because not only did separation come, but God had already made a plan for the separation.
If you look at Genesis, you see in 2, 20, 2, 21, 2, 22, 3, 4, 5, 6, you'll see that God creates
his best creation, his family, which is what this whole thing has always been about God's family.
That was his idea. That was his big idea. That's what all of creation exists for God's family.
And he created Adam, and then he took one half of Adam. The whole rib theology all is really out
of context with the original Hebrew. It's not a rib that God took out of man. It is a half of man
that God took out, meaning the feminine, the masculine got separated into two vessels,
and then God introduced them to each other in covenant. They came together and that is the
model, right? Male and female, both made in the image of God, different parts of the image of God
coming together. And so you know how people always say, and I know it all sounds good,
people say to you, oh, you know, don't look for your other half because you're not a half. Well,
you kind of are actually when it comes to the character of God and the actual personage of God.
Now, should you be looking for, you know, someone to complete you above Christ? No,
because we're complete in Christ, right? We're healed in family, we're complete in Christ,
and you know, it's important that we understand that we're made whole in Christ.
In fact, that's a better word. We're made whole in Christ into our identity, but we're not
necessarily complete without marriage if we're called to marriage. Now you go to Matthew 17,
this is after the curse, and Jesus is talking about the fact that some people in this world
are not going to get married because they've been created, they've been made eunuchs.
Not just you guys castration, that did happen in the Bible days, but also because of spiritual
castration. He was talking about different forms of being a eunuch, not just physical castration.
He was basically talking about people have been harmed in physical ways, in an emotional ways,
they're not going to partner. All right, there's people that are called to specific kind of
spiritual things. He said, but if you have the charisma or grace, if you have the endowment from
heaven to be married, meaning the desire to be married, Paul talks about the same word in
Corinthians, 1 Corinthians 7, 7, the famous gift of singleness verse. He talks about the same word
as Jesus, charisma. He said, I wish all of you had the charisma to be single like me, the gift
from heaven, the power from heaven to be abstinent and celibate and happy, but you don't. So if you
burn with a sex drive, then you should get married. If you have desire for partnership through what?
Through your sex drive, through your desire to come together, to procreate, to have children,
to have a family, then you should do that. Okay. So God's divine design was always male and female
together. Remember that famous speech in Genesis? Oh, woman, bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
And then it goes on to say, let what God has put together, let nothing ever separate.
Right? God separated them. And then he put them back together and he said, let them never be
separate again. Do you see that? And this is the only relationship where it says in the two shall
become one. Why do you think it says that? Because oneness was the model.
And that's the same model as Christ and his bride.
Are we living that out on earth to show people what that looks like?
A thousand percent. And that's why being married to Jesus while you're alive in this flesh suit
doesn't make any sense, friends. It doesn't. It's all a typology and it's the way that we've
been created. And so back to our friend, Pauline, I'm going to spend some time on this because a lot
of people are stuck.
here. An idol is something that you create in your flesh and that it strengthens your
flesh. And when people say that we're making marriage an idol, first of all, marriage is
a supernatural sacrament that was given to us by heaven. So it can't be an idol. Now,
can you desperately want something, anything, marriage, money, whatever? Can you see that
thing as the thing that is going to be the magic bullet of happiness? Can you just obsess
about it? Can you want it, you know, in a way that's unhealthy for you and the way that
you would beg, borrow and steal to get it? A thousand percent. People do this every day.
People do this every day. But friends, when you show up and you say, Hey God, I want to
be a great partner someday. I believe that you've called me. You've given me the charisma
to be married. God, you've given me the desire in my heart. As I have delighted in you,
the desire has only grown for partnership, for children, for family, to be with someone
to further your kingdom and to do it together. That desire is all as has only grown. So I
want to be the best future spouse I can be. So I'm going to do the work. I'm going to
do the heart work. I'm going to unpack my attachment styles. I'm going to make sure
that when I do meet my partner, I am ready to partner with them. That's not making anything
an idol. Jackie, in the, what if it's in the context of us sort of still walking through
some things in our relationship with God, do we then should put dating and wanting a
relationship on pause then? Pauline, honey, I don't know if anyone's ever told you this
or not. How old are you? 44. Okay. So you're old enough to maybe have seen this already
at some level. How long have you known Jesus? Since I was 11. Okay. So a long time. She's
known him for a long time. You guys, 29 years or 20. I don't, whatever girl math, you guys
figure it out. You know how long she's known him. All right. I am 51 years old and I've
been walking with Jesus since I was 22 years old. You can do that math too, cause I don't
want to do it either in my head, but I will say this, you're always going to be working
on something with Jesus. There is never going to be a time when you're on this earth where
you are not being molded and shaped on the Potter's wheel. Friends, that is what your
disciple life looks like. Did Jesus ever take a, take a minute and go over and say
to the 12, which by the way is the typology of what we're doing right now, being discipled
and following Jesus and say, okay, you guys, you've arrived. There's no more lessons to
learn. This is it. It's over. It's done. No, he never said that. But did he continue to
give them amazing opportunities? Did he continue to give them opportunities that stretch them?
Did he continue to give them opportunities that were kind of way above their pay grade
in order for them to fail forward fast and learn and become, you know, better versions
of themselves as disciples? Uh, yeah, he did. So Pauline, honey, it doesn't make any sense
that God would say, Hey, go wait in the waiting room until you're perfect. And then, you know,
then I'm going to allow you to partner with someone. Now, friends, if you have a problem,
please listen. If, if dating has already revealed an area that you really need to work
on, like let's say when you date people, you're always suspicious and jealous of their behavior.
They're not cheating, but you always think they're cheating because someone hurt you
a long time ago. And so all of your relationships end because you're suspicious and accusing
people of things that they haven't done. If you're in a relationship where you always
sexually fall into sin. If you're, you know, if there's a pattern that's happening in dating,
yeah, let's take a step back from dating. Let's work on the root so that we can get
rid of the fruit and then let's step back in and see if we're healed or not. You're
not going to ever find out if you're truly delivered or healed from something until you're
faced with that thing again. You know that, right? But yes, if you do have a life controlling
problem that you need to step aside and kind of think about for a little while with Jesus
so he can show you where it's coming from, reveal and heal, then that's important.
Jackie, but what about the point about how we kind of, we need to reach a place of where
God's our first love and we find him as our all sufficient lover first before we look
for a partner. That's kind of like, I know, but that's not real. That's not the Bible.
The Bible doesn't say that when it says, love him.
Your whole heart is talking about having a whole heart y'all
Meaning not a fragmented heart. It's talking about a healed heart. You know that right?
It's not talking about what she thinks it's talking about or what people have miss taught her to believe because here's the problem friends
God at the very beginning looked at Adam and said it's not good for him to be solitary. I have to make him a partner
God is saying in that very scripture that I'm not enough for Adam. Adam needs a human counterpart
Because we exist in community Father Son and Holy Spirit because remember we've been made in their image
And he needs to exist in his like community as well with other humans
You guys understand that the scripture says that right? So if God himself said that it wasn't enough
Why are preachers arguing and by the way, all the people that teach this theology are all married people, which is really annoying
It's really annoying because people like Pauline and so many people like Pauline get so afraid that they're cheating on Jesus
They get so afraid that God is upset with them because they put a human being before him
You guys this is how you learn more about God through other people. I'm going to tell you right now marriage is kind of the top thing on the list
That's going to refine you and sanctify you and make you more like Jesus and make you love Jesus more and help you to see Jesus
With skin on it and help you understand God in ways that you can't understand him when you're in a solitary state
Now remember Paul said I wish you were single like me but Paul had his own refining process didn't he?
He had imprisonments, shipwrecks, snake bites. I mean if I were you I would sign up for marriage and family before I sign up for Paul's refining fire
Just in general. I mean it's the word of God right?
And just so you guys know that speech that Paul makes in 1st Corinthians 7-7 is so mistaught
Paul is literally making a case for marriage not singleness
He's making a case for marriage because you realize the Corinthians were fighting about sex in marriage
The ones that had received the gospel and had become Christians no longer wanted to have sex with their spouse
The ones that had received the gospel and had become Christians no longer wanted to have sex with their spouses
That is what the letter is all about
That's what Paul is there addressing
And he's like ugh
You can just see him like so frustrated with these people because they're just being so petty
And they're just being so bleh
And he's just like ugh I wish that all of you were celibate like me so you didn't have to worry about this kind of stuff
But because you don't have the same gift as me, you have the gift of marriage
Then you're going to have to figure this out
You're going to have to have sex because that's what you need to be doing in your marriage
And then Jesus says the same thing
His disciples are like ugh marriage sounds hard I don't think we're going to get married
And Jesus is like well your father didn't create you like that
But there are some people who won't get married because of these reasons
Most of them the curse
He said but if you have the ability
That word there was charisma
Same thing as Paul was talking about
If you have the calling to marriage
You have the desire for marriage then you should do it
Same word
Jesus, Paul
Different ways of saying it
But they're both using the same Greek and Hebrew meaning words
Okay
Or the Greek actually it was Greek
Alright Pauline I'm really glad that you brought this up
We haven't gone over this in a really long time
We used to have this conversation so much
Six years ago when people first started coming in
Friends this is a reason why a lot of you
Have been single for so long
Because you're like well if God wants it for me
If God blesses me with it then I'll take it
If God wants it for me but I don't want to make it an idol
I don't want to try to make it happen for myself
I'm going to go sit in this holy waiting room
And wait for God to bless me with it
It doesn't make any sense because it's not scriptural
It's not biblical
And you don't do that in any other area of your life
It's just
It's just religion folks
I'm sorry but the whole singleness theology is religion
It's religion
So
Can we all just agree that we are going to stop beating
Ourselves up for having a desire
Really feel like God wants to deliver you
Of the shame of wanting to have it
to be married.
If you've been dealing with that, if you've been feeling ashamed because you have the
desire to be married, you don't even want to tell anyone anymore that you want to be
married because people are always giving you this speech about being an idol and the speech
about you should be happy single and the gift of singleness and whatever, you know, and
so you don't even want to tell anyone anymore.
In fact, you wish God would just take it away.
In fact, you pray, God, take this desire away from me.
I can't do it anymore.
I don't want to want this.
Come on.
I want to see you in the chat right now.
Let's go.
Please God, make me happy single.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Or you might've said, God, if you're not going to give me a spouse, then I need you to take
this desire away from me.
You guys, I literally just had a vision just now when I said that, you know what it was?
It was a person crying out to God and saying this, God, if you're not going to give me
an apple, then please just take the desire for an apple away from me.
As they're sitting at the trunk, at the base of the tree of an apple tree.
And God was like, stand up and take one.
I literally just saw that.
I've never seen anything like that ever.
He's like, just stand up and reach up and take one.
So as we release that over all of you right now, the earth is the Lord's and the fullness
thereof.
And the last time I checked in America alone, there's 65 million Christian singles.
And all you need is one.
All you need is one.
Come on, y'all.
All you need is one.
Now, I will say this, and I may or may not get to the rest of you that have questions.
Kenton's hand is still up.
If you want to put yours down, Kenton, so that I can see who's still left.
I may not get to those because I want to say this, you guys, this is a really important
conversation.
If you let this conversation set you free, it will.
It will set you free.
Come on.
Lucia, I'm sure that there are tons of singles in Canada too, Christian singles.
I know that it feels like, you know, that all of them are gone.
That's what Elijah thought about the prophets of Baal, right?
They're all gone.
I really challenge all of you to Google the population of your little township where you
live, not even the city that you live in, the township, the village maybe that you live
in.
And if there's more than one person, then guess what?
You have just what you need.
Not that your person's going to be right next door to you like mine.
Come on, you guys.
There's a marriage revival.
That's why this was born.
That's why last year's single exists.
It's not a business that I just decided to start one day.
No, God asked me to help his sons and daughters get married.
For those of you that are new, that's why we're here.
God arrested my attention in February of 2020 before the world pandemic.
He asked me, he said, Jackie, he said, will you take your matchmaking gift and will you
take the heartwork and will you help my single sons and daughters get married?
And I said, yes.
And now we have close to 2000 marriages in the last six years.
And I believe there's supposed to be many, many, many, many, many, many more.
In fact, in our VIP community friends, there's been at least three engagement announcements
in the last week.
There's been at least three or four weddings that have happened in the last month.
I'm going to another wedding this weekend in Kansas city.
There's another wedding that's happening two weeks from now.
There's another wedding that just happened three or four days ago.
It's happening.
Michelle, you are in the VIP community.
That's what I'm talking about.
Phase three.
That's how many weddings are happening.
That's how many engagements are happening.
Usually there's an engagement announcement every week or two.
It's happening for someone.
Why not you?
Are you willing to get up and reach up?
Oh, but here's the thing.
Y'all want a certain apple, don't you?
You don't like to.
any apple, you want a certain apple.
The Lord did speak to me.
I don't have my notes here, but I was away at an inner healing retreat last weekend and
I was praying and I was journaling and the Lord told me that a lot of his singles are
taking a page from the playbook of their flesh when it comes to this area of their lives,
which means that our dear sister said, is it an idol?
No marriage is not an idol, but the person that you want to marry your type might be
an idol for you.
Because remember, if you want to be married for the reasons why we get married God's reasons
for making us male and female, because we're better together, then you need to marry someone
who you're better together with, not someone who your flesh likes to look at, someone who
you're better together, someone who makes you better, someone who you make better.
That's why I told, that's why I told our sister earlier that she wants a complimentary opposite.
She doesn't want someone just like her because that's not going to make her better.
That's not going to refine her.
That's not going to stretch her.
That's not going to cause any good change in her life.
That's not how that works.
So a lot of you, once again, you want something familiar.
You want something that you're attracted to, but you're still not willing.
And I'm going to go ahead and meddle a little bit.
You're not willing to take a look at how toxic your attractions are.
They're toxic.
They're not working out for you because they're not healthy.
They've taken you a lot of bad places and or no place at all because what you're attracted
to is not attracted to you.
So your attraction is either taking you no place at all, meaning that the thing that
you want doesn't want you back and so you can never get it.
And so you're always just unlucky in love.
And or the thing that you're attracted to has caused you hurt.
It's caused you pain.
Yeah.
It might've been a fun rollercoaster ride, but there's always a crash at the end.
Gentlemen, I'm talking to you as well.
For those of you that are attracted to women that you have to save, that's so sexy to you,
the damsel in distress.
You just love that.
How's that working out for you?
You're attracted to women that are out of your league.
You're attracted to women that are young and are not attracted to you.
Friends, I just looked, by the way, for as far as like age gap marriages, I've been asked
a lot about that in coaching and I've also been asked a lot about that on the news.
So when I go on the news like Fox News, ABC, NBC, when I go on the news programs, a lot
of times they want me to weigh in on age gap relationships and May, December romances and
different things.
And I will tell you, a study just came out, a brand new study, and it had all of the ages
of people from 20 all the way down to 50, so 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, all the way down.
And then right next to that age, so right next to the 20 of a 20 year old, it showed
the ideal age of their attraction.
So like for the women, for the women's chart, it was women 20 to 50.
And then next to the 20 year old woman, it said she was mostly attracted to a man who's
around 22.
And then next to the 21 year old woman, it said she was also attracted to someone who
was 22 years old.
But then on 22, it said she was attracted to 25 year olds.
And you guys, this is based on a lot of surveys and a lot of people weighing in.
The women were historically attracted to men all the way from 20 to 50.
They were attracted to men that were two to three years older than them, even all the
way down to 50.
But when we got to about 45, women had a tendency to be attracted to men that were a couple
years younger.
So 45, they're attracted to 43 year olds.
And then the 50 year old was attracted to a 46 year old.
You guys see what I'm saying?
Gentlemen, I don't mean to throw you under the bus, but according to this study that
just came out, they did the same thing with men.
The 20 year old man was the only one attracted to someone his own age, a 20 year old woman.
When we get to 21, 22, 23, they're all still attracted to the 20 year old.
When we get down to 35, he's still attracted to the 20 or 21 year old.
When we get down to 50, he still thinks that he's going to score or pull a 21 or 22 year
old.
Not okay.
It's not okay.
And I know that it probably was a survey that was given to.
to not faith-based people,
but that mindset and mentality
has bleeded into the church, into the ecclesia.
When I say the church,
I don't mean like church that you go to.
I mean us, God's body, the body of Christ,
the church, the ecclesia, okay?
And because of that, a lot of you, once again,
are making some physicality an idol in your partnership.
You want someone who gets your engine running
instead of someone who's going to run with you to Jesus.
That's a problem.
Am I telling you to marry someone you're not attracted to?
No, I'm asking you to examine your attractions.
I'm asking you to examine your attractions.
It's really important.
All right, so God did tell me that.
He did speak that to me
when I was on the center healing retreat.
He said that singles in general that are Christian,
that are his people,
they're taking too much of their ideas
about this time in their life from TikTok,
from Instagram, from worldly things.
You guys, you don't live here.
You're pilgrims.
So you better marry another pilgrim.
Remember when God's people started going into new territory
and new lands that they weren't from?
What did he say to them?
Every single time he said, do not marry anyone from here.
Don't marry anyone from here.
Because if you do, it's going to cause a lot of problems.
Solomon, who was considered the wisest man that ever lived,
did exactly what God said not to do.
He married a whole bunch of women that served other gods.
And what did it do?
It messed him up.
Most of Ecclesiastes is just him being depressed.
Vanity, vanity, it's all vanity.
Yeah, bro, because you married 500 women
that serve idols and false gods.
It's a problem.
So if you're a pilgrim here, just like they were,
what did Abraham tell his servant?
He said, go find a wife for Isaac from my father's house.
Promise me that you will not allow him
to marry a woman from this land.
Promise me.
But some of y'all are trying to marry someone
from this land.
You're trying to marry someone from this world.
Someone who has not been born again.
Someone who is just straight up carnal cornflake.
They just live in their flesh.
They don't even know that they are a spirit
living in a body that possesses a soul.
They don't know anything like that,
but you're attracted to their body.
So you're marrying a body.
You're not marrying a spirit.
They're not a spirit mate.
They are a flesh mate, for real, for real.
So if it was good for our ancestors
to only marry among their own kind,
shouldn't we only marry among our kind?
Shouldn't we only marry other pilgrims?
That's this world is not their home.
They're just passing through.
Isn't that what we should be doing?
Why would you wanna marry a settler?
Why would you wanna marry an inhabitant of this world?
God says, if you love the world, you don't love me.
He even says, my love is not in you.
And so I really, you know,
I didn't mean to get to preach in tonight
and I don't ever talk like this.
So this is straight up Holy Spirit
because this seems super, super, super religious to me
for me to say this stuff.
But I just know in my heart of hearts
that God is saying to us,
we have got to start asking the Lord
to give us different eyes in which to see potential suitors.
We've got to ask God to give us different eyes
to see potential spirit mates.
We have to surrender our taste to the Lord,
our type to the Lord.
We have to say, God,
I do not wanna be looking for someone after my flesh.
I wanna be looking for someone after your spirit.
And I just know that if I'm walking in the spirit,
that I'm going to be attracted to the right person.
And you're not allowed to judge what that looks like.
If you walk in the spirit,
then you won't fulfill the lust of the flesh.
That's the bottom line.
So before you go on dates, you need to be praying.
Hey God, I wanna walk in your spirit and not the flesh.
I wanna see things the way that you see things.
I wanna see this person the way that you see this person.
My attractions are hidden in you.
Pauline, this is how you don't.
marriage an idol. This is how you don't make dating an idol. You make it an exercise and following after the Spirit of God.
And yeah, you guys, I know it doesn't sound very exciting and it certainly doesn't sound very sexy, but you know what?
That's the world's playbook. We're supposed to, it's all supposed to be sexy. It's all supposed to be
intoxicating and erotic. That's where you get in trouble.
I'm just gonna tell you right now, your hormones are already gonna be involved and you are going to
enjoy the sex that you have with someone that you are in
love with, that you trust, that trusts Jesus, that prays with you and prays for you.
That is the sexiest thing anyone can ever do for you. Someone who's kind to you, someone who's
considerate, someone who loves you like Christ loved the church.
Gentlemen, a woman who looks up to you and admires you and thinks that you're amazing and trusts you, when a woman puts her
trust in you and you can tell that she is, you know,
believing that you know what to do next, that is very
attractive.
Very attractive.
Kind.
Feminine.
All right, if Felicia, Stephanie and Rosanna would just put their question in the chat, I'll just look at it really quickly.
But friends, I feel like we got done tonight what we needed to get done.
Looks like some of y'all just trying to make matches for yourself in the chat. I'm okay with that.
And if you haven't joined the book club ladies, there's a lot of men in the book club that are not in our community.
And so they're just from my Instagram following and I, you know, Christian following, but I am a Christian.
But I really do suggest that you try to get into this last book club of summer.
The sign up should be in your groups.
Yeah, there's a sign up in your group.
It's pinned to the announcements in your group.
Gentlemen, you have one as well.
So I definitely want to encourage all of you to get in there.
Lots of really cool coaching.
Lots of cool bragging.
Lots of really cool stuff.
Lots of cool breakout rooms.
Getting to know other people there.
Not just teaching.
There's a lot of breakout rooms.
In fact, there's some of the sessions are the majority of them are breakout rooms.
So you can compare notes and the things you read in the book with each other.
So that's good.
Pauline, don't be sorry.
That's a very important question.
And I hope that you feel some freedom.
I hope you feel some freedom tonight.
I know with Pauline, you're just so afraid to even want this.
Because you've been told that God just wants you to, you know, want to just be with Him and only Him.
You're not going to, you guys, if you get into a relationship that pulls you away from God.
If you have to step away from God to be in relationship with someone, they're not the right person.
But the right person will draw you closer to God.
The right person, you're not going to step away from God.
Your relationship with God is not going to diminish.
Because this person also loves God.
And they also are worshiping God.
And you're going to step in a relationship with them.
And both of your relationships with God is going to be strengthened.
All right.
I want to see, did these ladies put their questions in here?
I feel excited since the book club to be on the apps.
But then I get nervous when chatting.
Not sure if their chats aren't stimulating.
I want to put LYS into practice.
But my nerves are popping up.
Why is that?
Well, you guys pay attention to how your nervous system feels when you're chatting with people.
Because if you feel anxious when you're chatting with people,
then there could be a good reason why you feel that way.
And so you need to take some time after you get off the chat and just say to God,
Hey, you know, I need some time to process that.
I was feeling really anxious.
I wasn't feeling like I could be myself.
And it could be nothing more than chatting on dating apps is really unnatural.
We're not built for it.
We're not built to chat with strangers on dating apps.
And so you already just feel uncomfortable.
Just in general.
And it also can be like,
be because it's just not the right person to be chatting with.
Right?
And if that's the case,
you can just say,
Hey God, you know,
I think that maybe my nervous system,
my Holy Spirit,
my spidey sense is going off and telling me that,
you know,
I really shouldn't be chatting with this person.
And sometimes we just get to a place where just swiping on anybody
and everybody that looks good.
We're not even paying attention to what they're writing anymore.
And a lot of people don't even say anything
about their faith in their,
in their bios.
And I know it's really, really hard.
So it's hard.
And so stay on Christian.
apps for the most part if you can.
Facebook dating is good though
because it shows you friends of friends.
And if you have a lot of Christian friends on Facebook,
it's gonna show you a lot of Christian people.
You see how that works?
If you have a lot of Christian friends on Facebook,
then Facebook dating is gonna show you friends of friends.
So they probably have a lot of Christian friends too.
So that's how you're gonna see a Christian demographic
on Facebook dating is because you have befriended
not just coworkers and other people from high school,
but people that you go to church with,
that you met at church conferences,
people that, whatever, are Christian.
That's how Facebook dating algorithm works, okay?
So Facebook dating and then Christian dating apps,
those are where you wanna be.
And you wanna make sure you're taking
a really good look at those bios.
Don't be desperate to swipe on someone
just so you can swipe on someone.
Make sure that you're swiping on people
that actually have something that you're looking for, okay?
The book club is recorded.
Replays are available after every session.
Brian and I are at the end point after eight months.
The reason he said he thinks we should
is because we talk over our differences,
but we seem to not be understanding each other.
Felicia, I'm just so sorry about that.
Being in a relationship with someone eight months
and then they say that they think that you guys
should go ahead and go your separate ways.
We talk about this in the book club, actually.
We talk about being able to discern
a lot earlier than eight months
whether or not someone is compatible to you
and or whether or not someone is really marriage-minded.
Now I'm saying that, I'm not saying
that you guys don't have a misunderstanding
or not healthy or not good communication
or easy communication.
Friends, communication doesn't have to be easy.
You just have to be willing to work at it.
When someone's not willing to work at communication with you,
that should tell you that they weren't
really that invested in the first place.
They weren't that invested in the first place.
And a lot of times, ladies, gentlemen,
this happens sometimes with women,
but it happens definitely more with men
where men are marriage-curious,
but they're not marriage-minded.
And so in the book and also in the book club,
I help you to see, gentlemen, you as well,
to see whether the person that you're talking to
is marriage-curious or are they marriage-minded?
Because a marriage-curious person
is gonna let go of you a lot easier.
They're not really in the market.
They're kind of window shopping.
They're curious about possibly being
in a serious relationship,
but they're not quite ready to buy yet.
And we don't want that.
That's no good.
So I wanna say to you and encourage you, Felicia,
that oftentimes there's the one before the one.
So really pray into what it is that you've learned
from the last eight months.
And oftentimes these kind of people circle back around
and I want you to go ahead and have some time with Jesus
about if he circles back around, Brian,
what would have to be different
in order for you to even give it another chance?
What would have to be different?
Not just some lip service of, oh, you know,
I thought about it and I changed my mind.
No, you'd have to re-engage with him
if you wanted to give him another chance
with a different set of criteria about readiness
and about where this is going
and how you're gonna get there together
as far as conversation, communication,
whatever needs to happen.
Otherwise, friends, you never go back to a relationship
that's broken up with you
if something significant hasn't changed.
There has to be a significant change.
And I don't mean they're telling you that they've changed
or they're telling you they feel differently.
There has to be something significant that has shifted
in order for us to try again.
Otherwise we're gonna end up right back here
and usually the second time hurts even worse than the first.
And we don't want that.
I'm noticing a pattern where I go on dates and feel drained
because the guy talks most of the time
where I feel like I have to lead the whole conversation.
So she's saying it's one or the other.
He's a yapper or he doesn't talk at all.
I'm a counselor and it feels more like a therapy session
versus a date.
I took my profession off my profile,
which has helped a little bit,
but how do I stop this pattern?
Good question.
Gentlemen, I just wanna let you know
the number one complaint that I get from women,
especially women over 40 years old,
is that men either don't ask them any questions
and or they never stop talking.
This is not your TED Talk when you're on dates.
This is not your podcast, okay?
It's called a conversation.
Sometimes men are like this because they're nervous.
And so there's random stream of consciousness.
So there's no lull in the conversation
where there's awkwardness.
Some people are deathly afraid of awkwardness, okay?
And or they just talk a lot.
And it's fair for you to assess that within the first two dates.
If it's nerves, then he's going to do it.
Probably the first date, maybe by the end of the first date, if you start to kind of
get him warmed up and kind of chilled out, he may stop doing it.
But if he does it every time you see him, then that's what he does.
And you might want to just go ahead and say, you know, thank you next.
And then, and you know, and don't be afraid if you guys, if it's a woman or a man, if
someone does something that is really, really not good and it's going to keep them from
relationship, yeah, it's going to hurt their feelings and it's kind of hard not to offend
them.
But you might just want to say when they say, Hey, you know, I'd like to see you again.
And you're like, Hey, I don't think that we're a match.
Why don't you think we're a match?
Well, because you know, you, you, you do talk a lot.
And even though I've enjoyed the things that you've said, you never gave me a chance to
talk.
And, and if you really like the person, you have a lot in common with them and you really
like them, this is just the one thing that you don't like about them.
You might say something to them on the second date and just say, Hey, you know, I know you
like to talk, but I like to talk too.
So I'd like to get a word in here edgewise, kind of make it funny, see what can happen
there.
Then if the person doesn't talk at all, once again, it can be nerves.
So give them at least a couple of chances, Stephanie, to show you who they are.
If you really like them, if they have all of your non-negotiables, but this is the one
deal breaker that you don't like because they can't stop talking.
Make a joke about it.
See if they course correct.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Kim's, Kim's talking to a guy who's 12 years younger.
She's 46.
All right.
The shoe is on the other foot.
Um, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, Candy's like, Jackie, weren't you going to give us some,
um, skincare products?
You're right.
And I forgot.
So I need to do that.
Thank you.
Please remind me.
Post in the Facebook group and remind me.
All right.
I think that's it, friends.
I got to let you guys go.
It's over an hour and a half.
I appreciate you.
Please, please remember and say, Father God, I just pray right now that all of those that
were underneath this religious yoke that Pauline was talking about, this hard yoke, you said
Jesus that you came to free us from these yokes, to free us from these ideas that literally
have us in bondage, any type of religious ideas, any type of legalism, I pray that you
would reveal it and heal it, that you would show us the places where we believe that you're
not a good father and that you don't give good gifts to your children.
The places that we believe our desires are not good.
And you only want us to desire religious things.
You only want us to desire prayer or reading the Bible or doing some sort of religious
act of some sort, some church thing.
Lord, show us how you've made us fearfully and wonderfully, how our desires, how the
things that we enjoy doing, how the things we enjoy looking at and reading and seeing,
how all of the beauty of how you've made us, how it's all from you, that you made us differently.
Each and every one of us, you knit us together in our mother's womb, our fathers, our DNA,
our genetics, everything about us is so beautiful and so unique.
You don't want cookie cutters.
You don't want little people marching around doing the same thing as other people.
You want us to have joy.
You want us to desire more things and more ideas and more opportunities.
You want us to live big and full lives.
You want us to prosper even as our soul prospers.
You want us to have joy.
You want us to enjoy our lives.
I really feel that really strongly.
You guys, God's trying to tell you, you know, I don't want you to all be alike.
I don't want you to want the same things.
I don't want you to enjoy the same things.
I want you to just be you and I want you to be okay being you and I want you to enjoy
the gift that I've given you called life.
So father, help us to enjoy it.
Help us to stop shaming ourselves.
Help us to stop shooting ourselves.
Help us to stop doing the things that keep us small and minimize us.
Help us Lord to live a big life, a big life that you have for us.
It's not going to be easy.
It's going to be worth it.
And so Lord, whatever's holding us back, whatever religious ideas in any area of our life that
tell us that we're to stay small and that we can't enjoy or love the things that you've
placed in our heart, the desires in our heart to enjoy and love, that those things are lies.
They're not from you and that we can break free from them and enjoy this lovely life
that you've given us in Jesus name.
Amen.
All right, friends.
I hope that you live a big life.
We love you.
I'll see you soon.