Alright, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks Book Club.
I am so excited to have all of you here.
We are going to have such a good time.
I have done two book clubs this summer and they have both been phenomenal.
The second one, the last day of it is tomorrow, so they have their fifth and final week tomorrow
and you guys are starting right now on Sundays.
I decided to go ahead and give it a weekend try, a weekend offering because a lot of times
people tell me I'm just not available during the week at night time and perhaps maybe you're
just exhausted because of the type of work you do and you just don't feel like getting
back on a screen, right?
And then hopefully you've had a really nice relaxing Sunday for most people.
Some of you had to work probably, but I'm so glad that you're here.
So if you're new to me and some of you, put your hand up, your little avatar hand up so
I can see it.
If you are completely new to me and you just met me over Instagram, you just met me over
some form of social media, my Facebook, my Instagram, you're new.
Maybe a friend introduced you to us.
You're just not part of anything that I've done before.
You haven't read any of my books.
You don't know who I am.
Only one, two, Angela and Adrian, they're like, yeah, girl, we don't know you.
That's all right.
We'll get to know you really well over the next five weeks.
Hopefully that's going to be a good thing for you.
All right.
Just two.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Okay.
The rest of you know me from somewhere.
So go ahead and raise your hand if you are part of my last year single program and you're
just hopping in here to make sure that you get in on the book club before it's over.
Let me see all of the folks in the last year single LYS program.
Yes, 17, 18, 19, go ahead and throw some hearts, some emojis, some fire emojis up in the chat
to show everyone that's not part of that.
Just how amazing last year single is, how much you love it, how much it's been changing
your life, especially your love life.
Let's see those hearts, those fire emojis, those thumbs up in the chat telling people,
Hey, I love it.
It's been amazing.
It's been a huge part of my development process in my love life.
All right.
There they come.
All right.
Some are like, I'm not in it, but a good friend of mine is in it.
That's awesome.
Well, you guys, we only did this for book club this summer, but we have a special that's
going to happen at the end of your book club at the end of five weeks.
You are going to have an opportunity to jump into last year single for just the subscription
of $37.
So that's going to be amazing.
I really want to encourage you when that time comes five weeks from now, even if you only
do it for a month because you decide, you know, you don't want to do it or you don't
like it, you're going to like it and you're going to stay, but you might as well just
go ahead and try it.
Make, you know, make good on that offer because it's an incredible offer.
And like I said, we've never done that before, except here in book club.
So that's going to be an amazing opportunity.
Let me see the hands of people that have the actual physical book, Modern Dating Sucks.
Raise your hand in here.
You do not need to buy it friends, unless you absolutely have to have it.
The ebook is included in your materials and I'm going to go over that in just a second,
but I want to see the folks that have the actual physical book.
You like paper, you like doodling, you like underlying and stuff and drawing on stuff.
So you had to get it.
Let's see all of those hands.
All right.
About 15 of you.
Okay.
It's available on Amazon.
For those of you that want to want to grab it, I think it's about two day shipping, so
you should probably get it.
You'll definitely get it before next week's class.
So if you want it, it's there and otherwise the ebook is there in your, in your portal.
So let's talk about your portal for a second.
So all of you are on something called the last year single app.
And if you're not part of any of my other programs like last year single, then you don't
have access to any of the other things on the app.
So I just want to let you know, the app is vast.
It has lots of programming on it.
It has lots of groups on it.
It has lots of coaching on it, but you won't be able to see that because you only have
access to what you purchased, which is the book club.
In the book club.
I'm going to go ahead and look at it on my phone so that I can describe it to you.
For those of you that haven't gotten over there yet,
well, you had to have
because that's how you got the link to get here tonight.
So you definitely went over there.
So I have a lot of different things
in my last year single app
because obviously I own the app and my app.
And so there's lots and lots of things in here,
lots of portals, lots of groups, lots of coaching,
lots of access, but you have access
to your last year single book club.
And if you click on that picture of me, Jackie D,
then you're gonna go in there
and at the top, you're gonna see community,
announcements, courses, replays, events, and resources.
Resources is where you can find that book on Amazon.
If you don't wanna go search it on Amazon,
if you just go under your resource tab,
the book link is already there.
You can just click it and do your thing.
Events tab is where you're gonna find the link
to join us live every single week.
The replay tab is where you're gonna find the replay
of the lives every single week.
The course tab is where you're gonna find
your course material.
You're not gonna have access to all five weeks.
You're only gonna have access to one week at a time
because I don't want you to work ahead.
There is no trophy for getting this done quick.
I want you to take time
and I want you to really process it, okay?
So that's gonna be super important.
So if you click on that, right now you have access
to a welcome video, the instructions,
the Modern Dating Sucks ebook,
and the week one reading assignment,
activation questions, and worksheet.
Not every week has a worksheet, friends,
but there are plenty of worksheets
in the actual reading coursework book, okay?
So announcements is where anything's gonna be
that's coming from me.
So if you click that tab announcements,
the only thing that's gonna be pinned there
is stuff I'm telling you,
not anything that anyone else is telling you, just me.
And the community tab is where your posts
are gonna show up.
Underneath that, you see another toolbar that says all,
and that means everybody, my announcements and your posts.
Wins is where I want you to put breakthroughs.
So instead of pushing the community or the all button
and making your post, if you have a breakthrough,
if you have a testimony, if you have a praise report,
if you got an aha moment during this book club,
go ahead and post it under there
so we can celebrate with you.
And then under the questions tab,
that is where you're gonna ask your questions
to your coach, which is me, okay?
So if you have a question,
it's not just you wanting to post something,
it's not just you wanting to take a picture of yourself
to introduce yourself,
I want you all to introduce yourself in there.
Where are you gonna do that?
Under the all tab.
Under the all tab, who are you?
Where do you live?
You never know, you might meet your BFF in here,
you might meet your future spouse in here.
It's happened before, it'll happen again.
And then under the questions tab,
that's where you're gonna post your questions for me
as we go forward.
Cool?
All right?
If you have any questions about that,
go ahead and put it in the chat
and I'll grab those questions at the end.
My trustee admin will grab those questions for us
so we can grab them at the end.
All right, all right you guys,
I'm so glad that you are here tonight
and I do believe that you will leave this book club
different than you came in.
I know there's a lot of discouragement out there,
there's a lot of stuff out there you guys
that could cause us to just be like, you know what?
Maybe this just isn't for me.
Maybe romance isn't for me, maybe marriage isn't for me,
maybe I should just pack it up and I should give up.
But I believe that you've been divinely led here
because I believe marriage is for you.
And you know how you can't talk me out of it?
I've already had a front row seat
to almost 2,000 love stories
through my program last year single.
And there are every type of love story you can think of.
The people had every kind of backstory you can think of.
Single parents, divorces, disabilities,
active diagnoses of chronic health problems,
all shapes, all sizes, all heights, all weights,
all colors, all ages.
So you can't disqualify yourself with me
because you're not disqualified.
And I'm hoping that tonight on week one,
I can help show you that
even though you probably do have some hard work to do,
we all do,
although you probably are operating underneath some filters
that need to be cleaned off
and we'll help you do some of that here.
A lot of that you're gonna need to continue on
in last year single because we do a lot of that.
I'm gonna help you get clear as much as I can
on what's keeping you stuck.
But the number one thing that I'm gonna prove to you tonight
and hopefully prove to you over the course
of this book club is that the whole system is broken.
The whole system is broken.
Let me see the hands of people that would consider themselves a Christian or a believer.
I just want to see who I'm talking to tonight.
Go ahead and put your hand up.
If you're if you consider yourself a person of faith, a believer, a Christian.
I have all kinds of different people that join this book club.
This book club is for marriage-minded individuals, not necessarily Christians, but I am a Christian.
So I'm be coaching you from a place of truth, my highest truth.
And so if you're not a Christian, do not worry.
You're not in the wrong place.
We're not going to proselytize you.
We're not going to shove Jesus down your throat.
That's not going to happen here.
But we are going to talk about how Divine Design, regardless of how you think Divine
Design happened, Divine Design from the very beginning put men and women together because
they're better together.
Better together.
Created, designed to be better together.
So about 40 of you guys.
All right, that's very helpful.
All right, awesome.
Now, how many of you would just consider yourself spiritual?
Can I see those hands?
People that consider themselves spiritual.
You believe that there's a higher purpose in you being alive.
You believe there's a higher purpose in your love story besides you just Netflix
and chilling.
You just believe that there's a higher purpose for you, a higher plan for you.
You might not really know what it is, but you know that you want it.
Can I see all that?
All those people.
All right, about 12 of you.
Okay, awesome.
All right.
Well, I believe that there is a higher purpose for your love story and I believe
it's about lineage and it's about legacy and the system has been very, very broken
for a really long time as you read in your homework.
I hope all of you guys did your homework.
Otherwise going to be talking French to you tonight.
You'd be like, what's she talking about?
Go read your book.
Co do your homework and then you'll know exactly what we're talking about.
Now, there is a bonus private Facebook community for those of you that actually
are here, you know, you paid for the book club.
You're in the book club.
The app is amazing.
It has community in the app.
I really want to encourage you to use the community tab in the app as much as
possible, but there is a bonus Facebook community.
If you hate Facebook, you're not alone.
And guess what?
You don't have to join that bonus community.
You don't have to be there at all.
You're not going to miss anything if you're not there, but we made it available
because there are some people who just love Facebook and they just want to be
there.
And so it is there for you if you want to be there and you got that link in an
email when you join the book club.
Okay.
All right.
Are you guys ready to get started?
Diana, the homework is in the portal.
I just showed you guys where you're going to find that under your coursework.
If you click there week ones homework questions worksheet is all there waiting
for you.
Now one thing that I want to say about having success.
We have people in our other two book clubs already dating successfully where
they weren't before already in relationships and meeting people where
they weren't before you guys.
It happens fast as the last year single ladies will tell you it happens fast for
some people.
Some people are slower burn, but for a lot of people this kind of breakthrough
happens fast because you're like, oh wait, I see how I've just been kind of
sabotaging myself here.
I've been believing a lot of lies.
I've been doing a lot of things that are just shooting myself in the foot.
And I got to stop doing that.
And once I stopped doing that, oh, I start to make progress.
I don't have a limp anymore.
I'm going faster than before.
In fact, friends, I had someone like that.
She was about the most spiritual girl you could ever meet.
She just saw signs everywhere all the time.
The problem is, is that the signs that she was seeing kept pointing her to the
same old type of guy.
And that type of guy was an abusive guy.
You know, the empath and narcissist bond is real.
The attraction is real there.
So if you're a real spiritual, empathic, intuitive, girly, you're going to need
this teaching and coaching during this book club.
All right, and hopefully you'll join last year single so we can continue to keep
you healthy and keep you focused.
But when she first came to me, she had a whole lot of trauma from the
relationships that she kept choosing over and over again thinking they were a
different person.
And I'm happy to report to you that she got married last night.
And she was such a beautiful bride.
And she's such a beautiful person on the inside and outside.
But what's so exciting about her, and I've had lots of lots of women like her
come through the program, is that she married an incredible man.
A really solid, incredible man, a man who's taking care of his body, who's
taking care of his finances, who's taking care of his family.
Yet that has done the work, who has lots of healthy community around him, lots of
healthy.
The family around him, they were surrounded by healthy family and community at their wedding.
It was just amazing, you guys.
And that was very, very, very different from how she came in.
And so I want to just encourage you, and I have another, I have another wedding just
coming up in about two weeks, not the same type of person.
I could probably divide all of you if I wanted to, and kind of five different avatars, five
different avatars.
And of course, guys, you would be the sixth avatar, right?
And I can divide the men probably into three or four avatars.
This is a co-ed book club, I just want to tell you in advance, I don't know how many
men are in this, but in book club two and one and two, we had quite a few men.
But I could divide the ladies in here up into about five avatars.
What would those avatars be divided in?
And kind of how you approach life and how you approach your love life and how you approach
dating and how you've approached relationships in the past and what it's looked like in your
life.
And there's a couple of those avatars that have a harder time than others, definitely
for sure.
And everyone, everyone can have a love story, like I said before, but there's a couple of
those avatars that they really self-sabotage a lot.
They give, give, give, give, and they attract take, take, takers, and a lot of things happen.
And I really, really want to encourage you that signing up for this book club is not
the win.
It's partially a win, but the real win is showing up for this book club because you're
not going to figure out which of those five you are until you're in here.
And some of you may think that you're someone completely different than who you are.
And hopefully the material in this book and in this coaching is really going to help you
see what you need to see to absolutely weed out the people that should not be in your
presence very, very, very quickly with no apologies.
That is one of the main breakthroughs that I want you to have in this book club, both
men and women, is that you no longer waste even one moment of your precious time on people
who are going to hurt you, betray you, use you, abuse you, liars, cheaters, beaters,
all of those things, but also people that just are not marriage minded.
They're marriage curious, but they're not marriage minded because all of you without
fail are old enough to know better.
And you probably wanted to be married a year ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago.
Some of you have been dreaming about this since you were a little girl or a little boy.
And the bottom line is, is there's no reason to waste any more time, correct?
There's no reason to waste any more time.
And so we're not gonna, we're not gonna waste any more time.
And so that's the number one thing that you're going to get.
If you don't just sign up, you show up, you're going to leave here knowing exactly what you
need to look for, what needs to be happening, what the other person needs to be showing
you in order to even get to the second date.
Not the second month, not the second set of crazy, but just the second date.
Okay.
Yes, we can weed it out that early when we do this type of work.
It's probably going to take you more like three dates if someone's not violating your
non-negotiables from the very beginning, but it won't take you more than four.
I'll tell you that right now.
Okay.
So you have to engage.
You have to show up.
If you can't be here live, please watch the replay.
You have to do the homework.
The only thing that won't be on the replay is our breakouts.
We're going to have breakouts every single time that we're together.
And we're going to do that tonight so you guys can get to know each other.
We'll do that in just a few minutes.
In fact, I'm going to go ahead and do that now.
So you guys put your city, state, your country in the chat.
So I'm going to break you out into just small groups where you can just introduce yourself,
tell them who you are, where you're from.
You can share your age if you want to.
You can share your relationship history as far as if you're divorced or never been married,
if you're a single parent or not.
Share as much or as little as you want, but then you're going to share the reason why
you joined the book club.
What was the tipping point for you to pull the trigger to join this book club?
What is the outcome that you're hoping to have from this book club besides get married?
What's the other thing that you're hoping to not do anymore, to start doing, to see,
to not see?
What is it?
What's the thing that you're like, man, I need that.
I'm going to join.
Okay.
All right.
Let's go ahead and put you in groups and then we'll come back and we'll finish the rest
of our housekeeping and jump into our recap of our first homework assignment.
All right.
Nobody hogs the time.
You're only going to have 10 minutes in these rooms, so let everyone share and there's going
to be two to three to four people per room.
All right.
You're going to see something pop up on your screen that says join your room and that's
how you're going to get there.
Silence.
All right.
You guys are rolling back in.
If you can put your camera on, I would love to see your faces.
If you can't, I understand.
If you're someplace where you just can't be on camera, you're driving, you want to pay
attention to the road, that's all right too.
We're going to wait for everyone to get out of their rooms in 10, 9, 8.
Here it comes.
All right.
Welcome back.
All right.
Just put some of those answers in the chat right now so people who weren't in your groups
can see it.
Why did you join?
What was the deciding factor?
What made you do it?
What was the catalyst besides just being single and wanting to be married?
Go ahead and put it in the chat.
A summer of love.
Okay.
And you guys, it's not too late to have a summer of love.
I mean, literally relationships start so fast.
They start so, so fast, especially when you've done the work they've done, they just start
so fast.
And a lot of you have done a lot of work and I'm not implying that you have all this crazy
work to do.
So we're going to talk about that right now, about what's working against you.
You're doing the work, but you're walking uphill against a wind that's pushing you back.
So we're going to talk about that.
Self-help, needing encouragement, needing perspective, needing all the things.
Okay.
Love it.
Some of you guys, when you come back from breakouts, sometimes your microphones are
still on.
So please be careful of that.
You don't want everyone to hear what's going on at your house.
Dogs barking, kids yelling.
Okay.
You guys see all these different reasons, but there are so many reasons that are so
similar, right?
And that's what I want you guys to see about each other.
You guys are all so similar.
And so if you thought you were the only person out here dealing with what you're dealing
with, you thought you're the only person out here that just hasn't stepped into a love
story and you just feel like you're the only person still in the waiting room and you have,
you have number 999,672 and all those people get to go before your turn.
Okay.
If that's how you've been feeling, it's just not true.
It's just not true.
Some of you are saying in the chat, Hey, I really need help with dating.
Just in general.
I need help with pacing.
I either go way, way too fast or I go way too slow and we're not going to get fully
into insecure attachment styles, but two insecure attachment styles that I teach about in last
year single are avoidance and anxious.
And those are the things that could be at play when you go way too fast, you connect,
you feel deeply, you love quickly.
And that's a beautiful gift that you might have.
But when that gift gets overextended, it becomes a weakness, a weakness that usually gets you
in real trouble.
Okay.
Same thing for those of you that it just takes forever to have any feelings for someone.
And, and a lot of times you can just never get there.
You just, you're like, ah, I just, I've gone out with a lot of people, but I just don't
like anyone.
I just don't want to see anyone again more than once.
Now if that is a common denominator going on in your dating life, there's probably something
beneath that of fear of making the wrong decision or needing chemistry, the kind of chemistry
that oftentimes leads to unhealthy relationship in order to see that this person is someone
you want to keep seeing.
We're going to get into all of that in week three and four.
So don't you worry.
Tonight we're going to talk about how it's the system and not you.
Did you guys know by the year 2030 women and men between the ages of 25 to 45 will be 50%
single.
That's just in four years.
It's in three and a half years, 50% single at the most marriageable time in life.
I want to point that out now, a huge percentage of my.
Success stories are people over 45.
So if you're over 45, it doesn't count you out
and it doesn't leave you out.
But the fact that that's an actual statistic
that's being put out by the statistic machine,
and what is the statistic machine?
It is the machine that creates
all of the funding opportunities
and all the investment opportunities.
It's big business and it's based on a lot of metrics
and so it's not wrong, okay?
It's not wrong.
But that's why I do what I do
because I want to make it a liar
because 50% single, 25 to 45,
by the way, if you do the math,
you'll see that that's mostly millennials.
The millennials really got hit hard by a lot of stuff
that kept them very, very single.
Okay, Gen X, a lot of Gen X is divorce,
some millennials as well, of course.
And then Gen Z is kind of bringing marriage back.
Gen Z is getting married younger.
They're getting more excited about relationships.
We got a lot of hope for Gen Z over here,
but millennials, they got really the short end of the stick.
Gen X, a lot of times got married
before knowing who they were,
before really having any identity formed,
and then they married someone
who they couldn't sustain long-term relationship with,
and then they ended up divorced.
And of course, all of these people
are baby boomer kids for the most part, right?
The baby boomers, the younger baby boomers
are the Gen X parents and the older baby boomers
are the Gen Z or the Gen Y, the millennial parents.
And so it's important for us to understand
where we're coming from.
So the kind of dating that we do right now
where a guy asks you out, maybe you dropped the hanky,
maybe you hinted that you wanted to be asked out,
but the guy asks you out, he asks you on a date,
he asks you to go out with him someplace,
and then he either comes and picks you up or meet you there,
that type of dating is just a little over 100 years old.
This is not the way that we dated over 100 years ago.
How did we date over 100 years ago?
We'll go watch a Jane Austen movie
and then you'll figure it out.
We dated within our villages.
We all lived in villages, y'all.
We didn't live in the big city.
Nobody lived in the big city.
Everybody lived in villages.
They lived in townships.
They lived in rural communities.
Why?
Because we were an agricultural society.
I don't care what country you're from.
That's the way it was.
And then something called the Industrial Revolution hit.
What is that?
That's factories.
That's automation.
Instead of people making things by hand,
machines started making things.
But somebody's gotta run those machines.
So who's gonna run those machines?
All the boys.
So the boys, instead of staying and farming the family farm
or doing whatever it was, becoming a clergyman
or doing law in your small hamlet,
besides those jobs, the boys,
especially the ones that weren't gonna go to university,
the ones that weren't going to be scholars
or clergymen or lawyers or doctors,
those boys all went to the city to work in the factories.
But the boys are gonna live in the city now
and they're gonna need to buy clothes
and they're gonna need to buy food.
And so shops are gonna have to open.
Shops that sell things to who?
To the guys that work in the factories,
to the families that move to the city.
Who's gonna sell those things in those shops?
Girls, all the girls,
all the girls that didn't become governesses,
all the girls that didn't get married.
Where did they go?
They went to the city too, to work in the shops.
Stay with me, because this is really important
because you're about to learn something really new
if you didn't know this before.
So the boys from the factories
and the girls from the shops,
they didn't know each other before.
They didn't come from the same villages, the same hamlets.
They didn't come from the same townships.
So now we've got strangers at the most marriageable age
that you can be.
All the young people before they got married
went to the cities for different reasons.
And now they like each other.
They're feeling chemistry with each other.
Like, oh, that shop girl's cute.
Do we know any of her people?
Well, no, we don't know her people.
She comes from someplace far away.
She doesn't come from a village near our village.
So what's gonna happen next?
Well, I'm gonna take her on a date.
You guys, the newspapers back in this time
called dating scandalous.
In fact, it was a derogatory term
that was used for young people being reckless and wild.
And they said in those news articles
that dating was going to destroy society.
And I mean, where's the lie?
A lot of you would agree that dating sucks,
especially modern dating sucks.
And this is where modern dating came from.
But ladies, I want you to hold on to your knickers
for a second, okay?
Because I'm about to tell you
where the boy paying for you came from, from this.
You know why?
Because the guys in the factories
were making a livable wage
and the girls in the shops were not making a livable wage.
Now this is before the first world war
when the boys went off to war
and the girls went to the factories.
That's what happened.
But this was before then.
This is during the industrial revolution.
And when the guy took you out, guess what?
He had to pay your way to the picture show
or to the dance or to the food.
And the reason why was because you couldn't afford to go
unless a boy took you.
You didn't have the extra income.
You were sending your income home
and you were living in some kind of boarding house
and you barely had enough money to live
because you weren't being paid a livable wage.
Can you hear what I'm saying?
So this whole chivalry thing is just patriarchy.
That's all it ever was.
And gentlemen, you didn't start it.
It wasn't your fault, but it was the patriarchy.
That's what it was.
And so it always cracks me up when men are online
and they're complaining about women wanting their money.
It's like, hello, you started this whole thing, okay?
But now women do have their own jobs
and they do have their own money
and they don't need men to pay for their meals.
And so now it's become just an act of chivalry.
It no longer is a necessity.
Do you guys hear what I'm saying?
It's a chivalrous act.
And we'll talk about whether or not a guy should
or shouldn't do that when we get later into this book club.
But I want you to stay with me
about how dating has just developed over the last 100 years.
And then what happened after that time,
after the industrial revolution, the wars came,
the guys went off to war, the girls went to the factories.
We had to keep working outside the home.
We had to keep the countries going.
We had to keep the households going.
And then the guys came back in the mid forties.
That's when all the wars were over.
World War I, World War II, the guys come back.
Whoever didn't get killed, they come back.
They've even gotten married or not gotten married.
And there's a baby boom because they finally came home
and now everyone's having sex and having babies.
But then what happens is the 1950s
and the 1950s was an opportunity for a reset.
Society was like, okay, we've had a lot of hard knocks.
We want to get things back to where they used to be
before all this crazy stuff.
So guys, you go back to work, ladies, you stay home,
have the babies, raise the babies.
And we're going to have this beautiful marketing thing
that says that this is the golden age
and this is the way that life should be.
And this is the way that everybody wants to live.
The problem is, is that it was too far gone.
Things have been too upside down for too long.
You can't just tell people,
okay, now we're just gonna go back to the way it used to be.
No, and so when you see all those videos
of the boy calling to ask for the date
and how he's supposed to and knocking on the door
and taking her in her little poodle skirt
to get a milkshake and all that,
propaganda, friends, propaganda.
And you know how I know that?
Because the 60s were right on the heels of the 50s
and guess what happened then?
Everyone was like, forget this.
We're not doing this.
We want free love.
We want birth control.
We want abortion on demand.
We want divorce on demand.
We're not going back to the way things used to be
because we don't want that anymore.
We don't wanna have to depend on men to pay for our stuff.
We wanna be the men that our women,
that our moms wanted us to marry
and this happened and that happened
and the sitcoms came out.
Like being single is great.
The 70s, the 80s, the 90s, being single is amazing.
Don't you wanna be single?
Single became a hobby.
It became a recreational sport.
And you guys, you inherited this.
The reason why I'm telling you the backstory
is because you think, oh, you know,
I just, there's something wrong with me.
I just can't find someone who wants to get married.
I can't find someone who likes me,
someone who will fall in love with me.
No, things have been broken for about a century.
And not that they weren't broken before that, you guys.
Not that, you know, arranged marriages
and marrying someone from your farming community
and not that any of that stuff was perfect.
It wasn't.
You had a lack of options.
You had to get married.
Women didn't have jobs.
There were a lot of things that were wrong
with it back then,
but there were a lot of things
that were right with it as well.
And so I'm on a mission to bring the village back.
Who's with me?
I want to bring back the village.
I want us to actually know the people
that we're dating within the six degrees of separation
because there's so many people in the world now.
There's eight plus billion people in the world.
There's a thing called the six degrees of separation
that just means that you are six people
within knowing everyone in the whole
eight billion people world.
And I've tried it out.
Like I've just taken famous people and been like,
okay, how many people am I away from knowing that person?
And it's less than six.
Regardless of how you like or don't like Donald Trump,
I'm one degree away from knowing him.
One of my close friends does stuff for him
and works for him.
Whether you like him or not, doesn't matter.
Same with Obama.
Same with Justin Bieber.
Same with Russell Brands.
Same with Elon Musk.
You're like, well, Jack,
you're just a well-connected person.
No, I mean, I am, but no, that's not it.
It is scientifically, sociologically proven
that you are six people or less
from knowing every single person in the world.
And you know what?
That's why I created this idea, this phrase.
I coined this phrase.
I put it in my book.
I teach it all the time.
For those of you that are in,
I, my program, you know, I say it all the time.
That just means that somebody knows somebody
who knows somebody who knows your spirit mate.
Right now, somebody has your spirit mate's name
in their phone contact list.
They work with them.
Somebody you know works with someone
who works with someone who knows them.
Somebody you know knows someone who knows someone
who's gonna go out to dinner with them tonight,
hang out with them, do something with them.
It's not, it's not just a beautiful, optimistic idea,
you guys, it's science.
It's proven science, social science.
Are you with me?
I wanna see in the chat if you believe it.
If you believe that you are six degrees of separation
or close to everyone in the world.
Some of you will know that concept
as six degrees to Kevin Bacon.
It's a game that you play.
I'm not gonna explain that
because a lot of you don't even know who Kevin Bacon is
and then it must be too hard.
Okay, but they purposely chose someone who's obscure,
like a obscure actor like Kevin Bacon
that not everyone would know
because it's trying to prove the point.
Okay, so friends, if you came in here discouraged,
I want you to know that your spirit mate
is already in relationship with someone
who's in relationship with someone
that you're in relationship with
and that should get you excited.
Because before this book club is over,
I'm gonna teach you how to play your own matchmaker
and how you can play matchmaker for others.
Because these loops only get closed if we all close them.
These threads only get pulled if we all pull them
and these dots only get connected if we all connect them.
It can't just be one matchmaker or 10 matchmakers
or 20 matchmakers, we all have to become matchmakers
at the end of this book club or it doesn't work.
Who is willing to become a matchmaker?
Let me see your hands.
I don't mean professionally,
I don't mean quit your job and become a matchmaker,
I'm just saying who is willing to care
about someone else's love story, not just your own?
Who is willing to introduce the single people
in your life to other people?
Who is willing to, when you go on a date
and the person's great,
but you've been on three dates with them
and it's just not gonna work out
because they don't have that compatibility score
that you're gonna learn here in the program,
in the book club and you just know that long-term
you guys wouldn't work out, but they're really great,
who is gonna introduce them to someone else
instead of just cutting that fish out
and throwing it back into the ocean?
Who is willing to do that?
It's really easy to do.
You're like, well, I'm scared to introduce people
to my friends because what if it doesn't work out,
they'll be mad at me.
No one in the history of me matchmaking
for the last 20 something years
has ever been mad at me for thinking of them.
They've never been mad at me for trying,
they've never been mad at me for introducing them
to someone, never.
No one's gonna ever be mad at you for thinking of them.
Now, if you introduce them to someone
who is just a crackpot, they're gonna be like,
why in the world would you think
that I would wanna meet that person?
And this is what happens,
this is why a lot of you hate matchmaking
because somebody in your life was like,
hey, you should meet so-and-so
and then you met so-and-so and you're like,
what, do you hate me?
Do you hate me?
Why would you introduce me to this person?
Well, you're both, you know, you're both 43,
you're both single, like, no,
that's not the criteria for introductions, okay?
That's not it.
So I'm gonna teach you the criteria
and I'm gonna help you to be successful
at matchmaking yourself and others
in week four and five of this book club.
But you guys, that is the system
that's been working against you
and it's been working hard against you.
And why has it been working hard against you?
Because marriage means something.
Partnership means something.
For those of you that are Christians,
it's divine design and you believe
that God created us, male and female,
and he put us together and he said, yeah, that's good.
That's good, right?
And for those of you that are not,
there's some reason why you wanna get married.
And I believe it's because you've been hardwired
to want that, you've been hardwired to,
in your DNA, to want this kind of lineage and legacy,
to want this partnership.
It's not just because you're lonely.
It's not just because you want someone
to go to farmer's markets with.
It's because you, inside, deep inside,
you know that this is something
that you have been created to do.
All right, so you guys, who feels a little inspired
that it's actually the system
that's been working against them and not just,
like I'm not saying you're perfect, okay?
You're not supposed to be perfect.
You don't need to be perfect.
You're not earning love.
And you probably do need to do some work, for sure.
That's why you're here.
You are stuck in some way.
But the main thing that's against you is the system
and not anything from the inside.
It's definitely from the outside.
How about that?
Yes, yes, all right.
People are starting to feel a little bit, a little bit of happiness.
Now one thing that I didn't say in the other book clubs, but after today, the day that
I've had, I'm going to say it to you guys.
So you're the first book club I'm saying this to.
If I were you, I would go on a social media sabbatical during this book club.
And the reason why is because the things you're going to learn here are really going
to increase your hope.
They're really going to help you get focused and social media, depending on what you've
clicked on in the past, is going to be a total nightmare to that process because it's going
to show you all kinds of things that say men are terrible.
There's no good ones out there.
Women are gold diggers.
All she wants you for is your money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Marriage is terrible.
Divorce rates are so high.
Why would anyone want to get married anyway?
And I really want to encourage you to just take a step back from all of that.
Yes, Myra, you're kind of ahead of the game, honey, but we are going to take a dating app
sabbatical.
We are going to take a dating app sabbatical, and we're going to talk about that next week.
So go ahead and wrap it up if you're on the dating apps, because I'm going to ask you
to take a sabbatical when we meet together next week and we talk about our dating autopsies.
But right now, I'm not going to ask you to do that.
I'm just going to ask you to put in the chat the results from this week's homework of what
is your script?
And for those of you that didn't do the homework, maybe you just signed up today and you didn't
have a chance to do the homework.
I'm going to explain what this is in just a second.
So we're going to take a break, and I can't force you, I'm not going to come to your house
and delete your Instagram, okay?
But if you take a break from the apps, you're going to get more clear.
I mean, I'm sorry, the apps.
From social media, you're going to get more clear, okay?
If you take a break from watching sappy love stories that empower the fairy tale script,
you're going to get more clear.
We want to get clear, you guys.
We want to wipe the slate off during this five weeks.
Can we do that?
All right, here they come.
We have scarcity and fairy tale running.
We have fairy tale and scarcity.
Yes, those are two that go together a lot.
Fairy tale scarcity, passive faith goes with fairy tale a lot.
Scarcity and chill girl.
Yes, Siobhan.
That is a normal partnership right there.
Independence and passive faith.
That's interesting.
That's not one that I see a lot, Amanda.
That's cool.
That's cool that you know that about yourself after reading this.
This is good.
Got a lot of independence up here in the house.
Lots of fairy tale running.
That's because all of you are probably at the age group where you grew up on some crazy
Disney movies or some crazy rom-coms that just made everything seem so, so supernatural
and lightning bolts.
This is the way it's supposed to feel.
If it doesn't feel like this, then it just isn't it because I want to fall in love.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Yes, there are romantic aspects to who you marry for sure.
You want that.
You're going to need that.
But that cannot be the foundation of why you're going to marry this person.
It cannot be.
I go outside and throw a rock and be able to hit someone who married someone because
of chemistry and now they're super, super unhappy in a very toxic situation.
And so did you guys know that infatuation can only last 14 months?
I don't care if you're the most romantic fork in the drawer.
It doesn't matter the hormones that fuel infatuation, puppy love, rose colored glasses.
They can only last 14 months.
They are going to fade and disappear.
And if that is what your relationship is based on, then it's not going to take too long.
Remember, that's as long as they can last.
For most people, they only last through the first ache, through the first inconvenience,
through the first squabble, through the first time that they're not the fantasy that you
made them out to be.
And then what do we do?
All right.
If our admin that's here right now can just respond to Jessica.
Some people, if you have, if you have trouble downloading the ebook, um, you just need to
email us.
We can walk you through it.
Our tech crew can help you.
Okay.
Disney, fairytale, independence, fairytale, all the things.
All right, you guys.
All right.
So you guys, I'm going to read the scripts for the people that just joined.
They didn't have a chance to do the homework.
I'm going to read what the scripts are so you can hear yourself in one or two or maybe
even three of them.
And you can go ahead and put that in the chat.
The fairytale script is when intensity equals.
destiny. You're the people who love has to feel dramatic, it has to feel like a
lightning bolt, it has to feel like true love, like oh this is my soulmate. It
feels like you've known them all of your life when you met them and they're the
person that you've been waiting for and usually you're looking for signs that oh
yes they're the one. It's a fairy tale. Think of fairy tales and that is the
script. The chill girl or the passive guy script is when you abandon your own
so that you're easy to be with and easy to choose. You don't talk about your
needs because you don't want to rock the boat. You don't ask for clarity in the
relationship because what if they say no? What if they don't want to be with you?
There's a lizard. There's a lizard in my studio and I heard something and I was
like what is it? It's a lizard. Okay, scared me. Lizard. Okay, they're not a
lizard. Okay, but you're a passive guy who's just gonna do whatever she wants
and you know you're just gonna treat her like a queen and you're never gonna say
no and you're gonna be a golden retriever and that's all great and
wonderful. The problem with that is is that she is not going to respect you or
like you and probably not gonna marry you if you just start off like that.
She's gonna like you. She's gonna want your attention. She's gonna fall back on
you when the guy that makes her feel all the feelings breaks up with her or is
ghosting her or breadcrumbing her but she's not gonna choose you. You're gonna
get friend-zoned but you're not gonna know that you're friend-zoned because
she's gonna give you enough attention to keep you thinking that you have a
chance and the chill girl is the girl who's she's down for everything. She
doesn't ask questions. She doesn't put any pressure on the relationship or
pressure on him. She just doesn't have any of her own needs. She's just super
easy to be with and guess what? You don't get chosen because men like a
challenge. They do. Now you're gonna get slept with. He's gonna have sex with you
if you'll let him, okay? I can't just assume everyone in here is being
celibate and abstinent although I will just really encourage you. I write about
that in the book. Even if you don't have a faith objection, you don't believe that
it's a sin or wrong to have sex before marriage, even if you don't believe that,
sex will always put you in the gray zone. You'll read about that later in the book.
It will always put you in a situation ship. It will always put you in a place
where the water is muddy. You don't know how you really feel. You're putting up
with things you shouldn't put up with. I really want to encourage you to take sex
totally off the table in your dating seasons, okay? The scarcity script. This
tells you that the good ones are rare. The good men out there are rare. They're
like a needle in a haystack and if you find someone who's halfway decent, you
got to hold on with both hands, even if they're not the person that you want.
Even if you're not really attracted to them, you gotta hold on. You
gotta settle because there's just not a lot to go around. Gentlemen, oh, you know,
any woman who wants to be with me, then I just guess I got to choose her because,
you know, good women are hard to find. The independent script. I don't need anyone.
I'm fine. You've convinced yourself that if this doesn't happen for you, you just,
it's fine. You'll be completely fine. Intimacy is risky after all and you
don't really want to make room in your life for anyone. If they just show up,
then you're gonna make room for them. But you're not gonna make room ahead of
time because you don't need anyone. But, you know, if they show up and they're the
right person and they're compatible to my life and to my lifestyle and they fit
in perfectly, then sure. And then the passive faith script is, oh, if it's meant
to happen, it'll happen. I don't have to do anything. I can just go wait in that
waiting room and, you know, God will just give me a spouse. The universe will give
me a spouse. Whatever it is that you believe is just gonna give you a partner
if it's meant to be. If it's meant to be. And so the passive script is kind of
like the fairy tale script, except in the fairy tale script, you're looking for
chemistry. You're looking for strong emotion to prove that it's the person.
And in the passive faith script, you're looking for signs from God. You're
looking for signs that it's destiny. You know, like, oh, oh, I went on a first date
with Chad and he was just so amazing and I think that he's the one. I think
finally God has pulled my number out of the lottery and this is my person. And
then you drive down the street and you see a street sign that says Chad. And
you're like, see, it's Chad. This is proof. Chad's my guy. It doesn't matter that
Chad's dating three other girls. He has no intention of being marriage minded.
He's marriage curious at the most. And he's gonna break your heart three weeks
later. Okay. So that being said, all of you that didn't do the homework cause
you haven't gotten the book and you just joined right before we had class
tonight, go ahead and put up what you think you are. You guys, there's no shame
in this. And you could be a combination of them or you could be something that's
really close to one of these, but it's not quite right. Still put that one up.
All right, breakout time, all right, I'm going to put you back in rooms and you are going
to tell people what your most primary script is.
And if you think you know where it came from, you can also share that, okay?
Each person's going to have about three minutes, three to four minutes to share, probably three
minutes to share, because I want to bring you guys back and talk about your dating autopsy
before we sign off for tonight, answer any of your questions, I'll do a little Q&A here
at the end.
So I'm putting you back in groups, you're going to share, what is your primary script?
You can share two, up to two, but not more.
What are your primary ones?
What are the ones you operate in the most?
And if you know where you think it comes from, then go ahead and tell them that as well.
You guys know fixing each other, know coaching each other, know critiquing each other, know
judging each other, okay?
We're here to become each other's village and we're going to do that as the book club
wears on.
Some of these people in here may even introduce you to your spirit mate, so be nice.
All right, everybody, welcome back.
Everyone will be back in the room in 40 seconds, and then we will go ahead and wrap this up
with some Q&A time and a little bit of instruction on some homework.
Hopefully, you guys had fun meeting each other, having some breakout time with each other.
You might have even met someone that's going to play a significant role in the rest of
this book club for you and or a significant role going forward.
All right, everyone's back.
So friends, I just want to let you know that I've been doing this professionally for six
years.
I've been matchmaking all my life.
I helped 15 of my friends get married.
I've always had a matchmaking gift because I'm very interested in people and interested
in connecting people, and I've always been interested in love and in marriage and lineage
and legacy.
So I knew that I had this gift and I put it together with my modality called The Heartwork
and I launched it as Married in 12 Months or Less back in 2000 before pandemic.
No one knew pandemic was coming, but because pandemic came a month later, everyone was
on lockdown and I had a captive audience and we had our first marriage just six months
later.
So six months later, we had our first marriage.
They married from within community.
They both knew each other.
They were in the same community.
They got married.
It was really amazing.
They never really thought of each other like that before.
But once again, I believe that somebody knows somebody who knows your spirit mate.
And so that started happening and then it was what I call the marriage funnel from there
on out.
The marriage pipeline.
We just had popcorn kernels popping in the oil on and on and on and on and on until now
nearly 2,000 success stories in six years.
And so I just want to let you know that you're in a good place if you are believing for a
supernatural upgrade in your relationships and specifically to get married.
And so 2027 can look very different than every year before it.
And the reason why I say 2027 is because we're halfway through 2026.
And even if you get into a summer of love, I don't want you getting married.
I'm not going to sign off on that.
You can do what you want, but let's let the wedding be in 2027.
Shall we?
Yes.
Let's get to know that person over the course of at least 12 months, nine to 12 months.
If you've done a lot of work and so have they, and if you know someone that knows them and
you're known in community to each other, then it may go a little faster.
But other than that, let's go ahead and plan that.
Let's plan that right.
Okay.
So the dating autopsy is where you dig into what's been going wrong in your specific relationships,
your dates.
It doesn't matter if you've been on one date with them, three dates, four dates, if it
was a two month situation ship and a situation ship is defined as something that really isn't
going anywhere.
We also call it the gray zone in my book.
It's just like, is it, isn't it?
Are we serious?
Are we not serious?
Is this marriage minded?
Is it not?
So I want you to write all of those down.
You have a worksheet in your book to go ahead and map it out.
and I want you to ask yourself, you know,
what is the pattern here?
And you have all kinds of prompts
that will help you get to it,
and I want you to bring the results of that
to next week's class, to Sunday's class, okay?
And that will be what our first breakout is all about,
is that dating autopsy.
Now, if you've never dated anyone,
and by the way, I just wanna let you know,
if you've never dated anyone, you're in the right place.
Because I've had so many clients
that have never been even on a date,
let alone had a boyfriend or girlfriend.
So, I want you to do the dating autopsy
as a relationship autopsy, meaning friendships,
family relationships.
I want you to take the most significant relationships
of your life, the friendships,
whether the friend lasted two weeks
because you were at camp together,
or they lasted two years or 20 years,
I want you to figure out the patterns,
because the most important part of the dating autopsy
is to see how you show up in relationship.
The scripts that I already told you about,
a lot of times those scripts show up
in relationships as well,
where the scarcity is like, you're a giver,
you're always giving, you're always over-functioning,
they're always taking, you see that there,
romanticizing the friendship, like, oh, we're best friends.
Well, they wouldn't cross the street to help you
if you were dying, how are they your best friend?
Because you're romanticizing it,
because it's like, oh, well, you know,
when we were 10 years old, you know, we were best friends,
and we each had a half of a heart necklace,
it's like, nah, no.
Okay, so, let's see where we are with relationships.
Can we?
So, do that work, if you've already done that work,
that's great, bring it next week,
and I'm gonna go ahead and open this up to Q&A.
We have about 15 minutes for Q&A,
if those of you that are wondering,
hey, how long does this book club last?
It lasts about 75 to 90 minutes,
so you're gonna be here until the half of the hour, usually.
Okay, it's never gonna be longer than that.
Sometimes, if we get it all done, it might be shorter.
If no one has any questions, it might be shorter.
But go ahead, and let's ask your questions.
If you have a question that you can ask, please listen,
if you have a question that you can ask
in 10 seconds or less, put your hand up.
You're not gonna give me a big backstory,
you're just gonna straight up ask me a question.
Put your hand up, and we'll go ahead
and get those popcorn questions out of the way quickly.
It's a quick question.
It can be about the book club,
it could be about the last person you dated,
it could be about something you read in the book.
All right, Rachel, go ahead and unmute yourself,
and let's ask the question.
What are some practical ways
to overcome social anxiety in dating?
I tend to be anxious, and I'm afraid of fear of rejection,
also afraid of attracting a dangerous person,
so it runs the gamut.
Yeah, and you guys, we're gonna talk more about this
as we get further into the book club,
but the answer is, the easy answer is
that you gotta do your hard work.
We gotta find out where does anxiety come from.
Anxiety comes from somewhere.
We weren't just born anxious.
Anxiety comes from somewhere.
So she named some specific scenarios,
some specific things she's afraid of.
She's afraid of rejection.
She's afraid of getting with the wrong person,
and so the very first thing I want you to do
is I want you to sit down, and you can autopsy this.
Autopsy these fears.
In fact, what I can do is I can put up a little
revealing for healing cycle.
Admin team, go ahead and make a note.
I'll put that up.
So the revealing for healing cycle,
and everyone that's in my last year single program
knows this because they've done their heart work,
and their heart work is an actual modality,
but you can look and see, here's the feeling.
When's the last time I felt the feeling?
And so then Rachel could be like,
oh, I felt the feeling the last time.
This is why I was on this date,
or when someone asked me to go on a date,
or when I even thought about going on a date,
or the last time I was with these friends,
or out to eat here, or whatever.
You're gonna say, okay, this is the last time it happened,
and then you're gonna work backwards.
Okay, so here's the thing that I feel.
Here's the last time it happened.
What was the trigger?
What was the belief system?
What was the lie that I was believing?
Oh, none of these people like me.
They don't even really want me here.
They don't want me here.
I'm too quiet.
People think that I'm too quiet and shy.
People don't like me.
Okay, when's the very first time, Rachel,
that you ever felt that way?
When's the very first time
that that thought ever entered your mind?
You might be like, oh, in fifth grade
when everybody had a best friend and I didn't,
or when they were gossiping and making a rumor up about me,
or in my family when it just felt like
I was so different than everybody else,
and no one understood me.
You're gonna get to the root of the belief system,
and then when we see what the root is,
then we can diffuse that bomb before it goes off again.
Does that make sense?
It does.
Okay.
Yes, I can.
I actually have, uh, the sheets, um, so I will go back to those and, and work through
that.
Okay.
So you're in, you're already in, you're in heart work.
You're in last year single.
Yep.
Okay.
Awesome.
So yeah, we want to dig into that because this doesn't just affect her dating life.
This just affects her, you know, this affects her, it affects her identity and behavior
follows identity.
So if Rachel believes that she's not worth knowing, if Rachel believes that every time
she puts herself out there, you know, someone's going to hurt her or reject her, then she's
going to do what?
She's going to shut down.
She's going to close down.
And that might make her seem shy.
That might make her seem antisocial.
People don't know why you're doing what you're doing.
I'm not talking to Rachel, I'm talking to all of you.
People don't know.
So then they just assume a lot about you if they don't know you really well.
And so that a lot of times can keep us from getting friends.
It can keep us from getting ass on date.
And so we definitely want to get to the root of that, Rachel, go ahead and put up in the
chat.
If you are rowing that boat with Rachel, you're like, I have, I have social anxiety.
People have called me shy.
Can I tell you that shy is a lie?
Shy is a lie.
Okay.
Nobody's shy.
There are people that are more introverted.
They like their deep thinkers.
They like alone time to recharge.
That doesn't make you shy.
People who are timid, afraid of people, that's just straight up fear.
Okay.
That's not shyness.
Who else?
People have said you're shy.
People have called you antisocial.
You have a hard time connecting with other people.
You're afraid of social situations.
I used to have a client, you guys, who would throw up before she would go on a date.
She would just puke her guts up because she was so nervous.
So nervous, sweating, vomiting.
Okay.
Right.
You guys are not alone.
There's a bunch of people.
All right, Christy, you're up.
What do you think about signs and wonders, miracles, and different things like that in
terms of choosing someone?
I think it's a really bad idea.
I've actually never, I don't want to say never, but it very
rarely actually points to the person.
And you guys, I have seen it all.
The majority of my clientele are like charismatic Christians.
And once again, I'm a believer.
The people that are my bestest friends, a lot of you charismatic Christians would know
those people and respect those people.
A lot of you know me and you've come here because you know that I'm a spiritual and
Christian leader.
But I will say this.
I will say that when it comes to romance, when it comes to love, when it comes to marriage,
when people think they know, when they think they've had a dream about who the person is,
when they think that God's told them who the person is, maybe even told them their name
or pointed them out at someone that you go to church with or you work with, and there's
absolutely no attention from that person towards you romantically.
You think that there's a sign or whatever it is.
But very rarely, if never, ends up being the real thing.
And so I really want to encourage you guys.
First of all, if you feel like you get those types of signals or signs, you have to vet
them out.
You know, once again, Christians, your source of truth, highest truth is the word of God.
And the word of God says in a multitude of counselors, there is safety.
It also says, let a word be established through the mouth of two or three witnesses.
And so if you don't have people in your life that are spiritually mature, that you can
run things by, then definitely I, you know, that's what I do for my community.
I have a lot of really seasoned leaders in my community and coaches.
Don't get yourself into an abusive situation because you thought that God sent this person
to you.
And another thing that you can really do is you can pay attention to real life.
You know, is this person actually really stable?
Is this person who they say they are?
Do other people know this person?
Does this person have a good reputation?
Is this person even interested in you?
I've seen people, you guys, I'm not kidding.
I have seen people pine away after someone in their community for years, waiting for
that person to notice them.
Well, they know the person knows them, but waiting for that person to notice them romantically,
to ask them on a date, to declare that they're the one that they've been waiting for, because
they had a dream.
Did they run that dream by anyone?
No, not until they ran it by me and they'd already been waiting for five years because
this person doesn't like them like that.
Just like, well, you know, every time I pray about it, God tells me, just, you know, just
wait.
I'm not done working on them yet, but no, that's not God.
Okay.
And so I would love to help you figure out whether it is.
or isn't God? Am I saying that God can never show us something supernaturally? No, I'm not saying
that. But I'm saying if it is God, there will be a witness in that other person and that other
person will show you the confirmation of that by being interested in you, not by, you know,
you just waiting silently for them to come to their senses. So if you've been doing that,
please don't do that. Please don't do that. I promise you, you guys, I used to teach a thing
in my old church in Ohio back in the day. And so many girls had came to me, had come to me
privately and told me that this one assistant pastor, and he was cute and he was young and he
was single, that God had told them that he was their husband unbeknownst to each other.
And so finally I just was like, okay, raise your hand if you think pastor so-and-so is your husband.
I called them all out at the same time. And there was all these hands going up and everyone looking
at each other. And guess what? He did get married to a girl from that church, but none of those
girls. And he had been secretly dating the girl that he married for a long time. And guess what?
He was secretly dating her because he knew that all the girls in the church thought he was their
husband. You guys don't put this kind of pressure on people. Don't put this kind of pressure on
people. Let people just live their lives. Okay. All right. I hope that's helpful. God can,
does he, usually it's more common sense and usually it's more, you know, just
a witness to each other's attraction. That is God in the mix. Okay. I will tell you ladies,
I've officiated a lot of weddings and men, especially men of God, spiritual men,
they know very quickly whether or not they want to pursue you to marriage.
They know very quickly whether or not you're someone that they would want to marry, whether
you marry them or not is, you know, your decision. But almost every one of them, I asked this question
before I officiate when I'm, you know, doing my notes. And I say, Hey, when did you know
that she was the woman you wanted to marry? And almost all of them said that they knew within
the first couple of weeks of knowing her. Now they didn't say that to her. And that's what you have
to watch for. If a man tries to rush you too fast into committed relationship, he tries to rush you
too fast into, Oh, I think you're the one. I think God's showing me you're the one. Or, you know,
even if he isn't a God person, if he's just like, Oh, I've been waiting for you all my life. And
where have you been all my life? And you know, I'm already falling in love with you guys.
That is dangerous behavior. Okay. We call that love bombing. Yes. But I will tell you securely
attached men, not insecure men, not avoidance or anxious attachers, securely attached men also know
very quickly that you are what they want and what they would like to partner with. But they don't
tell you because they also are mature. They're waiting to see how it works out with you. They
don't want to scare you away. They don't want to pressure you or, you know, put you in a bad
situation. We want that kind of emotionally mature man. Okay. Is it Tariana, Tariana?
How would I say that? What is it? Tariana. Okay. What's your question?
Um, two or three ways to spot an avoidance wearing a mask.
You guys are getting into some deep questions in week one. Um, okay. I mean, there's so many
ways, but when we get into the later weeks of the book club, we're going to talk about
consistency. Okay. And most avoidance run hot and cold. They're usually not consistent. Now
that's not every single avoidant, but in my experience, a lot of them, they will like,
they'll move in really quick, you know, and they'll, they'll, they'll wine and dine you.
And they'll just like, they'll romance you in different things. And then, you know, you'll have
a really great date with them. And then you won't hear from them for three days. You know why?
Because they're having an emotional hangover over here because they shared too much with you. They
got too close to you. They violated some of their inner principles and now they're over here,
you know, pulling all the way back. And so they're usually, they usually run hot and cold.
And so inconsistency, you guys, if someone, and gentlemen as well, women can be avoidance,
it's not as, it's not as a common, but they can. Women are definitely more disorder detachers.
You're going to see lots more disorder attachment in women than men. You're gonna see a lot more
avoidant attachment in men than women. You're gonna see a lot of more anxious attachment in
women than men. Although there are, there are anxious attachers in men and there are avoidant
attachers in women. Okay. And sometimes people are just on the spectrum of attachment. We do
call that disordered, but I will tell you.
More men, believe this or not,
doesn't matter if you believe it,
these are stats, more men are secure attachers than women.
More women have insecure attachment than men.
And can I tell you why?
Because women were born with the idea
that we just have to wait around to be chosen.
We just have to wait around to be chosen.
And so women, a lot of times will manipulate,
they'll seduce, they'll do things to try to be chosen
because they believe that they're powerless
when it comes to their love story.
And I wanna change that for all of you ladies
because you're not powerless.
In fact, you're the one that actually in the old model,
in the village model,
not in the new industrial revolution model,
but in the old model, in the village model,
you're the one that gets to do the choosing.
No offense, gentlemen,
but she's the one that gets to either choose you
or not choose you.
So I wanna say something over all the women in here
and men, you're not gonna be offended
because you're good men
and you want a woman to choose you back if you choose her.
But I'm gonna say this and I want you to take it in,
write it down and say it over yourself as much as you can
because God said this to me years ago in this process
and I'm gonna say it to you, okay?
There's a saying that says beggars can't be choosers,
right?
And what does that beggar mean?
That's a poverty mentality.
That's a scarcity mentality.
That's a I just have to settle for what I can get mentality.
Okay?
But I just wanna say to you
that beggars can't be choosers,
but you're not a beggar,
you're a chooser and choosers have options.
I want you to write that down.
You're not a beggar,
you're a daughter of God
and choosers have options, okay?
So you're not out of options.
I know it feels like you've never had any options,
but you have and you're gonna begin to see those more
and more as we go forward.
Sandy Hernandez, what do we got?
So I am that chill girl
and then this is what you just said just spoke to me huge,
but here's the deal.
I keep on, I mean, I've been chosen like when I was younger,
but I mean, cause I got married,
but since I've dated for the last eight years or whatever,
I'm very chill and I like to just go with the flow,
but I feel like I'm not getting chosen time and time again
and I need to know some tools of how to be chosen.
So that's.
Once again, we're gonna get into all of this, you guys,
in the weeks to come about what to look for.
I'm gonna teach you guys how to tell
whether a man is marriage curious or marriage minded
in the first couple of times that you're in his presence.
Because for those of you that really wanna be married,
you're not gonna mess around with someone
who's just curious about marriage someday
and you're hoping that he'll fall in love enough with you
that he'll be marriage minded.
No, masculine, mature and marriage minded.
And gentlemen, I'm gonna teach you how to see
whether a woman is flighty,
whether she's a fliberty gibbet,
or whether she's serious about partnering with a man
and building something.
I'm gonna teach you guys all of that.
Okay, but here's the thing, Sandy,
the reason why you're not getting chosen
is because men don't like the pick me girl.
I know we think that they do,
but they don't like the chill girl.
They like to hang out with her.
They will be happy to have, you know,
a friends with benefits situation with her,
but they don't choose her because men like to be challenged.
And ladies, that doesn't mean nagged.
That doesn't mean abused verbally.
That doesn't mean you run hot and cold
and you're trying to make him prove himself
and you wanna be a princess.
It doesn't mean any of that.
It just means that men like women who know what they want
and are, you know, really pretty sure about it, okay?
That's attractive to especially
a marriage minded man, Sandy.
So we gotta get rid of this.
Go with the flow, Sandy,
because Sandy, you have opinions,
you have desires, you have needs,
and expressing those things and expressing them early
is gonna weed out all the guys that are not serious.
Thank you.
We're gonna have so much fun, Sandy, the next four weeks.
Thank you.
Let Tisha or Letitia?
Hey, yes, Letitia.
Letitia.
Okay, so my question is,
and this might lean towards the anxiety,
but I am scarcity, so afraid, you know,
that no one better is out there.
I guess, how do you,
or how do I control my emotions in those early stages
and not get like too excited, I guess?
Yeah, well, you know, and we're, once again,
you guys, I promise you,
we're gonna deep dive into a lot of this stuff
as we go forward.
But, you know, I just wanna,
I wanna tell you guys something that might be offensive,
but there's always someone better out there.
There's always someone better out there,
but are they better for you?
And that's what I'm gonna teach you
how to discern pretty early in the first 30 days,
60 days, 90 days of a relationship.
Is, yeah, there's someone,
is there someone hotter out there?
Yes.
Is there someone with bluer eyes?
or thicker hair?
Is there someone with more money?
Is there someone with, yeah,
there's always gonna be someone who's more handsome,
more beautiful, has better finances,
has this or that or whatever,
but are they better for you?
That's the question,
because you're gonna get to know yourself
really well in this book club.
It's not just about finding someone,
it's about finding yourself.
You're gonna get to know yourself really well.
You're gonna get to know your non-negotiables really well,
and they're gonna be built on something solid,
not just your preferences
and how you feel today or tomorrow,
and that is going to help you
to discern the answer to Letitia's question
of how do I get rid of scarcity?
How do I stop worrying about,
am I picking the wrong person?
And getting too excited about,
oh, oh, this is the one
when they don't really actually have the things that I need
in a long-term compatible mate.
So we're gonna dig into all that.
So I promise you, it's gonna be good,
and you guys are gonna leave here completely reformed
in this crazy modern dating culture.
You're no longer gonna be disgruntled daters.
You are going to be your own matchmakers,
and it's gonna be beautiful.
All right, friends, that's our last question for tonight.
We're right on time.
I appreciate y'all.
I love y'all for being here.
Remember, show up in the app, ask those questions.
Tell us even wins tonight that you got,
breakthrough you got tonight.
We'd love to hear about it,
and introduce yourselves because everyone wants to meet you.
I'll see you soon, bye.